KFC Radio - KFCradio: Tinder Hunger Games, Funeral Director Dating, and Young Mantis Red-Shirt Year

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

Barstool Idol recap and the shocking twist Young Mantis threw in at the end, a man from Mumbai does the 2nd most embarrassing thing any man has done to try to win back a woman, and the Tinder Hunger Games.Voicemails include: the sex life of a funeral director, how much are you allowed to cry in public, and the saga of Two Pump TomEpisode presented by:MGM Go out to MGM Springfield get a few beers and watch a few games for us. Let us know what you think of the place.Simplisafe simplisafe.com/kfcradioOMAX Health OmaxBoost.com/kfcBlue Apron blueapron.com/kfcLeesa leesa.com/barstoolMyBookie mybookie.com promo code KFCYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Alright, it's another edition of KFC Radio. Today's episode is brought to you by MGM Springfield, and Feidelberg will be telling you about him! I saw you smirking, I knew it, I knew it, I was waiting the whole time, I was like, how am I gonna do it to him, and then I saw you look up and I was like, yeah, he thinksking. I knew it. I knew it. I was waiting the whole time. I was like, how am I going to do it to him? And then I saw you look up, and I was like, yeah, he thinks he got away with it. Nope.

Nope. And let me tell you something. There are one, two, three, four, five, six ads today. Yeah, buddy. Let's go. You dog. For those who don't know, we made a bet a couple weeks ago at a carnival shooting Papa Shot. And if I won, Feidelberg had to do ad reads for an episode since I've been doing those for six straight years.

I put up like 12 buckets on them. I've been forgetting about it ever since every single episode. Not today, my friends. Today's episode is brought to you by MGM Springfield. Look, Springfield's not the best spot in town. For someone who's not from Massachusetts, Springfield isn't exactly the place you need

to go. It's not a destination, especially when we're talking MGM. You think like, you take Vegas, you think Strip. Springfield's biggest land of fame is that it's the town from The Simpsons, but Springfield was intentionally chosen because it's in every single state in the country. It's just there. It's just not a hot spot.

It's got the Basketball Hall of Fame, which everyone gets into. You can buy a ticket or play for five minutes of the NBA. You get into the Basketball Hall of Fame. I think I'm the greatest modified basketball player of all time. I think I'm in the Hall of Fame. It's really embarrassing. But now we got a little taste of Vegas there. Baby, bring it. A little taste of Vegas out there in central kind of all time. I think I'm in the Hall of Fame. It's really embarrassing. But now we got a little taste of Vegas there. Baby, bring it. Little taste of Vegas out there in central

kind of western mass. They got the Vegas style gaming. They got top golf suites. They got a tap sports bar, full arcade and bowling. All the food. It's Vegas. MGM. You can just go for the food if you want. It's that good. MGM, if their claim to fame being like we made Springfield

fucking dope, that is impressive. That's how awesome MGM is if their claim to fame being like we made Springfield fucking dope, that is impressive. That's how awesome MGM is. That even Springfield, Massachusetts is going to be the hot spot. And we might be taking a little trip up there very soon. Wink, wink. So we'll let you know about that. But you go first. You let us know how it is.

It's MGM Springfield. Check it out. So we're going to start off today. We've got our voicemails coming up. Oh, you're going to tell me I smashed that? One of six, babe. Let's relax. One of six. You've got a lot more. Nailed it. MGM Springfield. Give me some more. This shit's easy.

This is easy for me. Bites of goodwill hunting this shit. You know what? You can do the ad reads forever, pal. You like it that much? You go right ahead. We'll get to our voicemails of course but first uh a couple topics on uh on the internet we got to run through this there's a twitter thread that that uh right now is over 16 000 retweets it is quite the tale so this, should I just read the thread or should we summarize here? Read the thread.

Okay. This comes from a terrible Twitter handle, BVDHI. H-A-I. I don't know. That's the kind of guy who's going to be in his own mentions now being like, oh my God, I'm famous. Right? Like, let me plug. I love the people now who are like, I don't have anything to plug, but like, follow me.

Shut up. Don't plug anything. Just go viral like an adult. Act like you've been there before. I'm about to tell you an epic tale. Start selling merch. Can we get, maybe we'll do a little, a little like background music as I play here. As I do a little, a little like reading music. We do it on Barstool Radio often.

Just something to set the tone a little bit as we read. This is a, I don't know, probably 10 tweets or so. And John, if this ever happened to me, this is why we're going to do it, because I don't know what I would do in this scenario. I don't know how I would react. I feel like anything, any reaction to this group of people, I would have found acceptable.

I'm about to tell you an epic tale about subterfuge, dating in the 21st century, and the fall of human civilization. This actually happened to me, and it could happen to you. Get some popcorn. So a few weeks ago, I was on the Tinder machine, shopping my soul around, and I matched with a very attractive young lady. No bio, fairly innocuous. I messaged her some random shit, and we chat for an hour or so and she says, here's my number. Text me. I'm like, okay, sure thing. I text her and we make small talk about work for a bit and she goes, actually, I had this huge presentation I'm working on for my job.

Would you be offended if I got back to you in like a week or two when I have more free time? You're cute and I want to meet you. I'm just too busy right now. I thought, well, that's an overly elaborate way to ghost someone. I say, LOL, I wouldn't be offended. I totally get it. Hit me up when you're free. She says, thank you. I was worried that you would think I was trying to blow you off, but haha, I'll text you in like a week. I'm excited. In my head, I'm thinking, yeah, sure. I respond with a smiley face emoji. Two weeks pass. I completely forget about her. And then I remember to go back to Tinder and I can't find the conversation. I think, well, that's weird. She deleted

her Tinder, but really elaborate ghosting methods continue. Then yesterday I get a text. Hey, I'm finally free. My friend is DJing near Union Square around six tomorrow. I was wondering if you wanted to go for a bit and then we'll get some drinks. I was like, well, I'll be damned. Genuinely

didn't think she'd message me. Says, yeah, I'll be damned. Genuinely didn't think she'd message me. He says, yeah, I'll be free. Amazing. I'm going to be running around today, but come around six. Fast forward a little bit here. So he says, I find her Instagram and it says singer, actress, model. She has 3000 followers. And at this point he says, some shit feels off.

This point things just feel weird. He makes his way to Union Square. I eat a hot dog, and I look over this open lot by 17th Ave. And there's a stage and a DJ and about 100 people and cameras and shit. And I think, well, this is some random-ass Manhattan shit. She texts me. Hey, I'm running a little bit late. Just meet me by the stage, and then we can go.

I wasn't going to stand in front of the fucking stage. So I stand off to the side a little bit. Eventually I see a girl moving towards backstage with two enormous bodyguards and sunglasses. And I realized what the fuck is going on. Uh, the DJ eventually stops playing and he's, he's so fucking confused.

She gets on the mic and she's like, thanks for coming out. I bet you're wondering why you're all here. What the fuck is this about? She then says, I know you all here are on Tinder. She then says, I've invited you all here for a chance to go on a date with me and proceeds to give out a hunger game speech about what it's going to take to date her. All the dudes there she found on Tinder and texted them the same shit. Every man at each other looks in the crowd and mimes what in the fucking name of Scooby-Doo is this shit.

At that point, I'm genuinely amazed at the fallopian fortitude this girl possesses. This is the top 10 greatest finesse of all time. Dudes actually stayed and played the game. I went home. I trust no one. I trust nothing anymore. Vanity will be the demise. I went home. I trust no one. I trust nothing anymore. Vanity will be the demise of the human civilization. Don't get got.

The end. If I ever found myself standing in the middle of Union Square with like a hundred other dudes who all got played the same way on Tinder I mean I'd probably just like quietly slink away And act like it never happened

But That girl deserves to be fucking Roasted by that crowd I wish all like A hundred of those dudes Just sat there and just started Smoking that chick She's so goddamn dumb

Why don't she sell tickets? Get paid Sell tickets Well no I mean No one's gonna buy tickets Why not? We're going on a first date. Going on a first date at a $20 concert.

Oh, I got you. I feel you. Yeah, I feel you. Grab a ticket. I already have my own. Bam. If you were selling $20 tickets and a girl wants to go on a first date, she says she already has her ticket, I'm buying a $20 ticket.

But like this guy said, if that happens, I mean, I'm not assuming that this Hunger Games thing is happening, but something feels off there. If it was like, let's go on a first date. I already have my ticket. You buy yours. Just meet me there. That's all very strange. This is all very weird. I don't think it's that weird. You don't think so? No, I think I'd notice if I got to Union Square and I was standing in a

pile of 200 dudes. Yeah. I'd be like, where the fuck is not a single other girl? So she never performed, right? It does not seem like it, no. no okay i would have given her one song shot imagine if she just had fire see what kind of pipe she was working with i mean she must be pretty i'm i mean can we get the fucking instagram at please like she must be pretty sexy if guys decided to stay and try to play the game yeah i think he later tweeted a picture

uh yeah it's like it's from behind her you can't see her face. Listen, sometimes from behind all that matters. Now, the behind shot didn't jump out. But I've done something kind of similar to this before. I mean, yeah, I see the behind shot. It's yeah. Yeah. No, it's nothing. I mean, it's not.

It wasn't similar. I'm also looking at the crowd. It's all guys. It's definitely all guys. It's a lot of what appears to be corny white guys. Well, that's kind of the guy who goes up for anything, is the corny white guy.

Yeah, but the dude in the Twitter account is far from a corny white dude. He's a corny black guy. Yeah, he looks like a Steve Harvey type of skinny black guy. He looks exactly like Steve Harvey. By that I mean he's black and has a mustache. Yeah, it's all takes. That whole scene, I mean, like that woman.

We get worried about, like, going up to a girl, asking for their number, saying hi, asking to go on a date. You get nervous. Imagine being like, all right, I've collected 100 people. They've come here to this stage. And I'm pretty confident they're all going to play my Hunger Games to date me. It sounds like a good amount did. But that's what I mean. I mean, what he called fallopian fortitude, which I think is a great fucking line.

I mean, that is some, you talk about big dick energy. The fallopian fortitude to be like, yeah, no, these guys are all going to want to stick around and do my reality game challenge for my pussy it's crazy i don't i don't think it's crazy i think like most girls think like that i think most girls think that maybe not most most is an exaggeration but i think a lot of girls power the pussy runs that deep they're like i think i and if they don't they should think like that because it clearly is what happens if you're a girl and you don't think like that, start. I feel like the laziness in me is

like, I'm not doing that. Oh, I wouldn't do it. There's such a process there. I just put my phone in my other room this morning or this weekend just because I was tired of texting people. To set up a date with a hundred people. That set up a date with 100 people.

That's why John was writing me back. This motherfucker. Yeah. And in fact, I was sitting on my couch watching movies. And every time I felt the buzz, I was like, no, I don't want to look at it. John's reverting back, by the way. He's like, I don't go on Twitter anymore. I don't text you back anymore.

You're going to be one of these fucking hipsters who all of a sudden is like, I actually have a landline. I don't even have a cell phone. No, I won't have a landline either you want i'll be gone just just die already i'm gonna be good you're just reverting away from like everything that even like makes you enjoyable to begin with just get out of here the uh but i was saying earlier i i've kind of it's really nothing like this but in a sense i guess it's a little bit like this we had like a sunday fun day maybe it was a saturday fun day years ago um where we had a brunch me and like eight friends guys and girls and we made the reservation for 16 and we all had to bring a tinder date so it was kind of it was kind of that's a move yeah it was fun we had a blast that's a cool idea yeah um and it was anyway. Anyway, we got the idea. We were already at brunch, so we made reservations for another brunch.

We had a couple mochis and decided to do that. So we just had brunch for like six hours straight. But it was fun. It was a good time. Did you tell the Tinder dates? Once they got there, it was kind of like, it was never explicitly said. Like someone sat at the head of the table and was like, you're all Tinder dudes. Right, right.

But you just kind of realized you were on like a double date where people were kind of getting to know each other. Yeah. But that was the only time I ever downloaded Tinder was for that. Now I've downloaded it 2 a.m. sometimes. I got caught by a lie. But the – You didn't really get caught. You caught yourself.

Yeah, I caught – I'm the only one who catches myself. Otherwise, you got no idea. But it was – that was a good time. It's not really like this, but I guess in a sense it's like this. Yeah, I mean, to announce it to the crowd. I mean, good for her, man. I mean, that is some confidence on a whole new level. The more I think about it, I might be so impressed by just her balls

and everything that I might – you know, see, everything's so distorted now where I would stay and I would think, this is going to be an awesome blog. Yeah, just for the story, for the content. But I guess I've always done that my whole life. Yeah, whether or not you're putting it on the blog, you're – I've always told my friends at the bar. Yeah, but this is going to be –

Well, I am a big fan of, you know, doing it for the story. Say yes instead of no. These are all the things I preach, at least. I don't practice any of them. But if I could go back in time and give my younger self. Well, you're practicing it tonight, baby. Maybe. We'll see. There's a party that starts at 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

There's no shot you're coming. No shot. I can't do it. 11 p.m. with all the different circumstances of my life. As soon as when we were texting. So it's the post VMA party for Republic recording artists. Yep. And I'm going to go.

And we were texting about it this weekend. I want to go. We got invited. And Kevin said, I'm going to come, but I'm going to go home first. And I said, I know. Famous last words. I'm going to go home real quick. I'll be back. Yeah. Okay, buddy. But the problem is to go home real quick. I'll be back.

Okay, buddy. But the problem is I can't 11 to I have to get back to the kids. And then you're right. As soon as I hit the couch. You've been slowly working with the cars that you're not coming. I know you're not coming. Just say it. It's not even.

Listen, I'll shoot. I will. Everyone in my life, John, I shoot you so fucking straight. I will always shoot you straight i'm lying to myself right now that's what i'm doing i want to go i want to be that guy you can go to an 11 o'clock party i want to be the guy who says yes to things and does things for fun and for the story just not that guy we'll see i mean i'll be all dog new tricks being a con can be fucking ripping it up yo if you go and a and Akon's there, I'll kill myself.

If I find out that you're like partying with Akon. I also have this vision in my head that Akon just like sings all of his talking. Like that's just like

the way he operates at all times. I can see that for sure. So that's what I'm picturing. Akon like singing to you. Akon's just a Disney cartoon who happens to give electricity to Africa.

That's the superhero he is. He also had sex with that young girl. I stick to his charitable endeavors. You like to go with the whole breaking the law. I always go with that statutory thing. I get it. Listen, there's many sides to all people out there. So weigh in.

I don't know. What would you do if you found yourself in some sort of mass Hunger Games Tinder plot from a fake instagram soundcloud rapper model this is the kind of girl who like if you if you if you dismissed her she's probably gonna show up at your house and that's why you need simply safe this guy yo it's a rush right when you nail a segue when you nail a segue, it feels so good. My God, this kid is a fucking genius. The kid has got the itch. He's got the ad read itch.

My God, if a storm takes out your power, Kevin, know who's there? It's simply safe. If an intruder, perhaps a woman from Tinder, if she cuts your phone line, do you know who's there? It is simply safe. That's who's always there for you. Say they destroy your keypad, they destroy your siren, she dismantles your whole alarm system. Doesn't matter. Simply safe is there.

Maybe it's overkill. That's what you think. That's because you haven't been on a date in Union Square with a woman on a reality television show. It could cost an arm and a leg to have that safety and security for you, but guess what? It doesn't. It doesn't, buddy. Instead, they charge you what's fair. 24-7 professional security.

I'll be honest. I would argue this isn't even fair. I think it's so cheap it's unfair to them. Is that what it is? It's like $15, right? Oh, my goodness gracious. It's crazy. That's not fair.

I would pay you more, I think. I would be like, here, let's make it $30, because the pricing is just simply preposterous to get that level of safety for that price. Plus, no contracts and no hidden fees. You tried to get roped into a three-year deal. You said, buddy, I'm going to have this house for six months. I'm going to get the hell out of here. I don't need to keep this thing safe.

So that's right. Go to simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio today. That's simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio to protect your home and your family and yourself from crazy Tinder chicks. We go to Mumbai, which is what? It's India? Mumbai? Sure. Yes. This man

puts up 300 banners with an I'm sorry message to make amends with his girlfriend. The police are now intervening. 300 hoardings were put up. SimpliSafe.com slash KFC Radio. You need it. In Mumbai. A man put up 300 banners

and hoardings in a plush area of Maharashtra, Pimpri Chinchwad. India, in case we haven't landed on that yet. He got in a tiff with his girlfriend and it said Becky, I'm sorry. In bold print with a heart symbol.

Interesting. Beside it in red dotting the area. It's all along a very prominent road with all sorts of traffic. Probably people like riding donkeys or some shit. I mean, John, what do you think of this move? I think this guy's a pussy. He should just cry to his mom instead. That's how you get a girl back.

Weep to your mother about what a bad boyfriend you are. I was going to say the whole time I'm reading it, I'm like, this will be interesting. This is the second most pathetic move I've ever seen. I feel for these guys because I fall in love hard. And those two days after I get dumped, man, I'm really sad. I'm pretty fine after that. Yeah. Then you get over pretty quick.

Yeah. I mean, listen, everybody's been there. The three of us, it's, it's me, you, and this, this cat. I mean, you, you cried to your mom. I had an issue and a formal apology and I cried on radio and Indian guys put up 300 fucking billboards. I mean, everybody handles these situations, you know, in their own way. I think most guys would be like, he's such a pussy. You're so weird, bro.

But I understand that. I don't think I understand this. I don't mean no. I don't. I understand the emotion. I don't understand the reaction. Yeah. I mean, you definitely will find yourself in a position where you're like,

I will just do whatever it takes to fix this, right? 300 billboards, like, fine, whatever. In that moment, you're not thinking about how logistically ridiculous this is. You're just like, I want to just knock this out. I want to just snuff this out, get the apology done, be good with it, and move on. And you're not thinking clearly as far as as far as thinking like you know if this is something you have to do it's probably not the best relationship it's probably not working out no and but but you can't that's like seeing the force of the trees man you don't you don't do that you just you know you were

comfortable there right and that's and that's what we're all seeking as humans isn't just want to go back to someone we're comfortable with and that's what he felt. Clearly she did not. Probably for the right reasons. Because he's a psychopath. You just want that. I just bought myself something to comfort me. My first Amazon purchase.

John has joined the world of Amazon. I got a 15 pound weighted anxiety soothing blanket from my autistic ass. You got yourself one of those gravity blankets. Yeah. One of those ones that get little kids. Yeah.

How is it? I haven't got yet. Come tomorrow. I got it on Amazon yesterday. It's heavy as fuck. 15 pounds is heavy as shit. It's, it's weird.

I, I was, uh, I got my cooling pillow from Brookstone the other day and there was was one they had a weighted blanket there and i was like this is some heavy duty shit i had a buddy who's much bigger than me tell me he used a 12 pound one and he loved it and i said i want a whole human give me the give me the max why why why did you do this like you're just sitting around being like i really just feel like I just like compression I like I like being held yo let me tell you something folks there's a lot of girls out there who listen to this show

some of you are probably single right now and you wish you had somebody a lot of guys out there maybe you just got dumped and maybe you're putting up billboards trying to get her back and maybe you think that you're lonely let me tell you something about lonely i got this guy buying heavy duty blankets just to feel like he's getting human interaction no i'm not i'm okay i'm that's lonely i'm not lonely i'm alone and i like that's a different thing. Well, yeah. But if you find yourself, uh, buying, I mean, the compression is, that's just,

that's, that's anxiety. That's, that's something different. That's, that's a different one of my depression. We're talking about this. I'm talking about the one of this box up here.

That's just like, I'd be, I like, I like to be like, you have a great night's sleep. You have the hangover. I love hot as shit. Nah, like, I'd be I'd like to be, like, you have a great night's sleep, you have the hangover It's gonna be hot as shit. Nah. No? I think it is.

Pretty sure it's gonna be. Figure it out. If it's hot, it's out the window then. Yeah. Maybe we'll just gotta keep that apartment nice and cool. I'm about it. I'm gonna get one too. The cooling pillow, you gotta get one of those, bro. I don't have one of those. I have, my pillows are like children's pillows. Listen, the two things, yeah, I can see that. I can see your entire betting

situation. Thank God for Lisa. Otherwise you would just be a fucking child. What? Yeah, it's gone. No, it didn't. Fido Berg's pretending to be a soccer fan still. Yeah, you are a pathetic problem. I know. You're a pathetic person.

But listen, you gotta do whatever it takes to make yourself physically feel comfortable. You also gotta do whatever it takes to make yourself physically feel comfortable. You also got to do whatever it takes to get your head right and be mentally straight. Am I right, Fitz? We're talking about with the compression. I love it. The compression is the best during a hangover. That's what I need.

I need it to get my mind right, as you said. I need to feel better about it. Bro, I gave you the lead in. You just didn't take it. I know, because I like mine better. Thanks for the try, though. I know how to read a fucking ad. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Last time I tried to help you. See how you get through the final three without me, you fucking dick. This is fun. I'm having fun today. So the compression is what helps my hangover. It makes my body feel better

all that stuff and then you know what i have to do after that it's like i get the mind better and omax every time if you see me coming to the office one day walk right to my desk open a drawer and take an omax oh boy was out drinking last night that's just and guess what i see him do that every day but it is it's it's like honestly, it genuinely makes me feel smarter. And I, I need that. It's the OMAX cognitive boost. The daily supplement increases your brain power,

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The alpha, the omega baby makes the neurons fire rapidly. It basically just improves the mind-body connection. You get that fucking blanket on you? Body. Set. You get that alpha in you? Body. Set. You get that alpha in you? Mind. Set. It's a cognitive boost. Go to omaxboost.com slash KFC. Save over, oh my goodness,

save over 70% on your first 30-day supply of OMAX. And, guess what? On top of 70% off, you get that free shipping. That's omaxboost.com slash KFC. 30 days of OMAX boost free. I'm sorry, 30 days of OMAX boost, 70% off. You get that free shipping. That's omaxboost.com slash KFC. 30 days of Omax Boost free. I'm sorry, 30 days of Omax Boost, 70% off

omax.com. I'll tell you who's getting their money's worth today. Every single sponsor. These are the most passionate, excited ad reads you ever heard in your life. Fights is addicted to it, bro. Speaking of the bug, well done. Young Mantis,

the newest member of Barstool Sports, maybe, perhaps. Young Mantis, our boy Austin, he won Barstool Idol. If you were following along last week, which everybody was, we have the newest member who won the contest, the same contest that Francis won last year.

This dude, Mantis, wins it this year. He calls himself Young Mantis because last year this dude uh mantis wins it this year he calls himself young mantis because he is a human praying mantis his body his body is so jacked up i want to i want to like send him to like a chiropractor i feel like if someone just like just like breaks him that he'll like go back like he'll feel like his his body will just like fall into shape there's nothing wrong with him right no? No, he said. So he actually wrote a very, very like long, heartfelt blog, like explaining his whole life. And he said, you know, he popped out of the womb and doctors are like, yeah, we don't know what this is. They said it went.

It's undiagnosed. It's obviously like a physical structural type of problem. They said that they told his parents that he would be like brain dead. They told him they said, like, never even be able be able to like drive a car or do anything like that. That's a strange thing that they picked, like drive a car. I don't know if that was a joke or something. Can you drive a car? I mean, he can.

Fucking Mantis can go to the park and beat kids and horse. He can do anything. Probably physically more capable than I am. So he said that they didn't really, there's no precedent for his disorder, which I think he should get to name it then. Yeah, I mean, if you're the only person, he's the only person ever to have this.

Basically. I find that hard to believe. Well, or it's just that there's no, I guess when say undiagnosed, there's no literal like, oh, okay, this is happening because your bones are suffering from this. I mean, I don't it's a undiagnosed like there's no literal like, oh, okay, this is happening because your bones are suffering from this. I mean, I don't want to be rude here, but it sounds

like they're just trying to find a nice way to do you kind of mean it's like we have a medical definition. You're weird, man. I love it. I'm not trying to i don't think i am i think i'm just busting balls here mantis is i don't think i've ever seen somebody quite make

lemonade out of lemons the way mantis has and now is he gonna go back to school so and that's the big the big thing so he i mean listen i would say by day one and a half he had this shit wrapped up i was i mean young young mantis had this in the bag. And everyone else was great. They really were. I was very impressed with all of the candidates. They all really brought the heat. I feel like any other year, it would have been like a five-way tie.

But Mantis, he came in hot. And so we all knew it was coming. And then the day of, Dave is announcing it. He's like, you know, you win. One of the other guys in a last-ditch hammer. I mean, Dave did give it a five-way tie, essentially. Huh? Dave essentially did have a five-way tie.

Yeah, right. So I want to talk to all of you. Right. He was like, this is not a participation awards thing, but, like, you all might actually be winners. But one guy raised his hand and said, wait a minute, isn't it true that you can't even start yet? And Mantis and his, in his weird Mantis voice,

like, yeah, I can't actually until... That's a good permit. And it turns out he still has another fucking year of school. Fake school. Fake school. Indiana University at Purdue University at Indiana. Ooey-pooey. For a sports management degree.

Someone said, well, so he announces that and uh dave's like you know it would have been fucking nice to know before i you know awarded you the winner of the goddamn contest and so mantis is out here acting like he can redshirt for a year like he's gonna defer i'm gonna redshirt my freshman year at barstool. No, no, no, no, bro. You're not a fucking five-star quarterback. You're just another fucking blogger, man. And so the natural reaction from pretty much everybody is to drop the fuck out of school, man. And I remember someone actually. No regrets over here.

Yeah, you did it. Rhea did it. Bob Fox did it. I mean, none of you fucking morons went to college. Somebody tweeted me. Thank you. Well, and actually so did it. Rhea did it. Bob Fox did it. I mean, none of you fucking morons went to college. Somebody tweeted me. Thank you. Well, and actually, so did Mantis. He has 12 credits left.

Like, you can finish that up anytime, bro. But somebody tweeted me, IUPUI is actually a great school for sports management. Well, sports management is fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a great school for a fake degree. Who fucking cares? I had a buddy who graduated from FSU in sports and recreation. I was like, that's the fakest.

And he totally embraced that. It's like sports fun. He's like, yeah. I mean, I go to yoga class and I go to Ultimate Frisbee. I took Ultimate Frisbee with him in a hell of a class. That's unbelievable. You had the gym class. Yeah.

You had college gym class. I had credits for gym class. That's incredible. Yeah. the gym class. Yeah. You had college gym class. I had credits for gym class. That's incredible. Most of my credits are something along those lines. I took stretching and relaxation. So funny that you're so dumb you didn't graduate college. What an idiot. It is funny.

John's a pretty academic guy otherwise. Yeah. Yeah, me and Zuck. Yeah, you and Zuck. Yeah, yeah, you and Zuck. So Mantis, I hope he drops the fuck out of school. He was like, I got to call my mom. What is he going to do? Like, why does he have to?

I just don't understand. Why does he have to go back? He, because of like society. He was like, you got to get a degree. Why? Why? I mean, nowadays more than ever. It's like, you got to get a degree. Why? Why? Why? I mean, nowadays more than ever.

It's like I remember talking to Bob Fox about it. Well, I'll be honest. It does. It does like scare me sometimes when I see some of the younger guys who like they just dove right in. And I was like, what if this doesn't work? And yeah, you can always go back to school. But now all of a sudden you're in like a weird spot where you're not doing it at the same age group of everyone else. Just it just worried me because I am old.

I get what I get. Someone very worried me because I'm old as shit. No, I get someone very young skipping it, like someone just skipping college entirely. But the goal of college is to get a job. He was like, I want this job. I would go through four years trying to get this job. I got it. What's going to change? The only thing I would say is that I don't think school

is about the academics of it all. I think it's about living on your school is about the academics of it all. I think it's about, like, living on your own and. But that's why I mean, like, I've been to the green. Yeah. So that's what I was getting at. Yeah. Twelve credits is not even a full single semester. So you can just you basically got the experience as it is.

Your degree in sports management is not going to matter anyway. Just drop the fuck out. But I did that moment of Dave announcing the winner and him being like, thanks, but I'll be back in a year. Not how it works. I mean, in a year, who knows? In a year, we're not going to be in this office. Right. Good luck finding us.

Young Mantis, the newest of the game. He's on Twitter at Young Mantis 2. Because Young Mantis and Young Mantis 1, I guess we're taking. All right. Of course. So shout out to him. Red shirting a year. Give me a goddamn break.

You ready to do some voicemails? Let's do some voicemails, baby. Let's do some voicemails. Your voicemails. Well, buddy, these are brought to you by Blue Apron. You know how you're talking about you need that experience, living alone. Gotta learn how to cook for yourself. Gotta learn how to do your own laundry.

Blue Apron makes that first part very easy. I was going to say, no need to throw laundry in there, but we'll work on that. No, I was going to go, okay, Kevin, don't ruin my fucking flow, okay? You goddamn son of a bitch. Or I'll get a vat of Blue Apron oil and I'll throw it in your face. Blue Apron delivers farm fresh and step-by-step recipes to your door. The mission is to make an incredible home meal, cooking accessible to everybody. They achieve this by supporting a more sustainable food system, setting the highest standards for ingredients, and building a community of home chefs.

A community. Yeah, a community. Kind of like one young man just joined. You get quick and easy recipes. They're perfectly portioned ingredients, so you're not getting all fat, right? You're cooking exactly what you need to cook for yourself. Someone alone like me. One meal.

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Let's Blue Apron cook. Oh! I'm going to skip the intro because that's the worst part of the podcast. I am amazing. So, I have a question. Is it bad that I cry in public? Like, I think I cry in public at least three times a week. Like I used to hold my car.

Like I know it's like not normal, but like sometimes like you just have to cry, you know? And like I'm going back to college and I was kind of like my friends kind of roast me for the fact that I would cry on my way to class or cry in lecture. And I'm not even, like, depressed. It's just sometimes, like, it comes out. You know what I mean? Like, I could have the best thing and cry. But do you think people judge me for crying or people don't even notice? I feel like it's more comforting to cry in public with no one caring than like, you know, crying in front of people.

I mean, John, you are team crying like none other right now. I don't know. You've been crying. What? Cried three times last night, all during San Andreas. San Andreas? Oh, man. I was a fucking puddle. Dwayneson had me explain me the three times it was

i wasn't in a puddle it wasn't when i cry when i cry i'm never weeping now but i yeah i teared up just three separate times talking about their daughter uh who was young and drowned and he was talking about how he couldn't get to her and he wanted to get to her. Yeah, that'll do it. Drowning kids will do it. I mean, yeah, when you cry, it's like, you know, you get like the water behind your eyes and your nose kind of like stings a little bit. That sort of thing. It takes a special something to get you going. Like if you're doing that, it's, you know, it's got to be, it's got to be like in a sickeningly sad movie or something like that. Oh, I don't think anything can make me do that

I think I I've just broken enough Where I can tear up But I don't think anything can make me weep Nothing's gonna get that going The only thing that can make me weep is myself When I look in the mirror when I'm tearing up You know what will make me weep

When I see the sorry fucking sight of you With your lonely blanket Like this is the saddest god damn thing I've ever seen That's just getting delivered to the office tomorrow You know what will make me weep when I see the sorry fucking sight of you with your lonely blanket? Like, this is the saddest goddamn thing I've ever seen. That's just getting delivered to the office tomorrow, so we'll all test it out. We'll all test it out. This girl, though, like, do you think that people are judging me as I just, like, walk around and weep? Like, yeah, bro. They're judging the fuck out of you.

I talked about this recently, I think. I've seen it three times in New York City. Right. Women walking defiantly. Like, about this recently, I think. I've seen it three times in New York City. Women walking defiantly. Not trying to hide their face. Chest out, shoulders back, face chin up.

Just Just walking by a Chipotle. I'm like, let me go to the bathroom. Right? These people in public, you are having a moment. I respect like, let me go to the bathroom. Right? Like, these people in public. Like, you are having a moment. I respect that. Get the fuck out of here, man. But it, I guess it's different.

Because you know what? The first time it surprised me after that, I'm like, New York City, baby. It's that concrete jungle. This shit happens. If you live in the Midwest, probably someone will comfort you. Oh, yeah. Hand you a tissue. Call for help.

You in the Northeast. If she lives in the Northeast, then she's good. People'll like call for help. You in the Northeast. If she lives in the Northeast, then she's good. People get it. Get the fuck out of the way. People get it. Yeah. Get out of here. Yeah, me too, bitch.

Stop crying. We all got our shit. I've been holding, I hold your shit back like a woman or a man, whatever it is. Yeah, being an adult, suppress your fucking emotions, God damn it. I mean, listen, a good cry, we all need it. But if you do it in public, you are fair game to be judged and ridiculed. And rightfully so. I mean, if I see you, fucking Michigan man sat here and wept like a baby.

And everybody was laughing about it. And we kept him on for content and all that. And that's fine. I get it. This is a goddamn circus. Porcelain is is a big big content factory I never got the chance to I wanted to tell that kid like

don't ever do that again don't ever do that again in any scenario it was remotely acceptable here because it was funny barely yeah nowhere else will I even like laugh it won't even be it'll be like you have to get out of the room get out like you're making me uncomfortable acknowledge it yeah you'd be like oh you you want this job so so much like awesome i'm gonna go take

the guy who's mature and in control of his goddamn emotions like you you are showing me nothing but instability and the inability to keep yourself in check. Stability. The best ability is stability, right? Despite what Todd McShay said. You don't want an unstable person who shows up on time, right? No thanks. I pass. No, yeah, we're all good on that. The best ability is stability.

And if you're constantly proving that you don't have that ability, you're out. It's a tough one. Yeah, go ahead and cry, but we are judging you. Go home and cry. Watch San Andreas. Let it all out then. Public's just a tough spot to cry. You know who's a big crier, by the way? My guy Tom Brady.

My guy Tom Brady's a big crier. I like that about him. That's probably what they programmed the robot to do to make it be like, oh, no, he's real. He's a real boy. He can cry real tears. Four years old, and my family owns funeral homes. Oh, yikes.

I've been working there since I was about 16, and in the last year, I took one over as my own. So I'm pretty much owning my own business. Nice spin zone, pal. It's been an interesting line of work. Recently, I went on a Tinder date with a girl that I've been talking to. You know, we had gone along well, similar sense of humor. We go out to dinner, and that was the first time I told her that I was a funeral director now. She looked like she had seen a ghost.

About ten minutes later, she gets up to say she goes to the bathroom and fucking leaves the restaurant. My thumb up my ass. So my question is the next time I go on a date like this, do I just not stay where I work or do I just keep pushing it until I find the right one? That's okay with it. I tell everybody all the time to be normal.

Being a mortician ain't normal. Being a mortician ain't normal. Being a funeral director ain't normal. Someone's got to do it. I guess I'm happy that those people exist. But... Make bank, right? Yeah, that's the thing. Because it's like we're doing shit that nobody else wants to do.

I'm sure you just charge an arm and a leg. Garbage man. Yeah, same shit. I don't think garbage men make that much money. I think garbage men do pretty well. Yeah? I could be wrong. I don't fucking know. I feel like I've heard that too. I don't think Garbage Man made that much money. I think Garbage Man did pretty well. Yeah? I could be wrong. I don't fucking know.

I feel like I've heard that too. I feel like that's like an urban legend. Resume. That is the weirdest thing in the world. Yeah. And I have,

and almost in any other circumstance, I think someone ditching you in the middle of a date like that is like truly the most genuinely disrespectful thing you can do to a person. In that case, I kind of understand it.

I'm running for the hills. So this mortician doesn't creep me out. Anyone who enjoys playing for lack of a better word with dead bodies. Yeah. You're going to get run out on a lot. Yeah. Well, I think this guy has to do is to strictly date within his own circle.

He has to date people who work in morgues. He has to date other funeral directors. No, I think. Yeah, no, that's it, dude. You have to date doctors or see dead people all the time. Like, that's it. It's the same problem I ran into back in the day when blogging wasn't an acceptable job. When you were a black sheep.

Right? And it was, you kind of just got to, you got to bend the truth. You got to white lie it a little bit. I'm a writer. And yes, I would say I'm a writer. I work in journalism. I wouldn't say I'm a journalist. So what would you say if you were a funeral director?

My family owns a string of funeral homes. I work. That's not it at all. That's what he does. That's what he said. He owns one of them now. Yeah, but I thought you were saying you're going to bend it so that you don't have to tell them that you work in a funeral home. I work in the office.

I'm the accountant. Yeah, see, I wouldn't even talk about funeral homes. I would just be like, I'm the accountant for my family-owned business. Yeah, but the follow-up is going to be, what is that? Yeah, and then you say it's event planning. Where's the lie? Show me the lie. I do some event planning for my family-owned business.

Done. Dude, yeah, that's it right there. Don't go around saying I'm a funeral director, or you just say you're a director. Oh, really? What are you directing? I'm the head of event planning. I tell the eight friends how to carry the casket. Yeah.

Yeah, I coordinate logistics for family events. Oh, really? Where? You know, churches and there's outdoor events. That's great. You go in construction. I'm in construction. Yeah.

What do you do? Dig holes. 12 feet wide, 6 feet high. That's all you are. That's what I specialize in. Listen, we, you know. I'm the foreman on a construction site where we continuously build dig holes 12 feet wide, 6 feet under. We talked about the white lies that must be told.

This is one of them. And this is one where eventually, when she likes you for you, then you can say what you do. Right. When you're like, okay, she likes me. Right. Now I can say, look, I'm going to marry her. And again, you will always run the risk. You could tell her a year in, and you could be in love.

If that girl wants to hightail it out of there, you have chosen your path, my friend. Yeah. You have to deal with the fact. At that point, I think it's on her, because she should understand it. Look, I couldn't tell you date one that this is what I do. Right. Because you would have ran out the door. It happened already right you have you have the fucking scientific evidence to prove that if i told you what i did straight up you would run out the door right so now i'll tell you i drain blood from bodies now i i put makeup on dead people i like i take all their clothes off

i see their dicks and stuff i put them in clothes i paint them and i pump their veins full of preservative formaldehyde what how was your day how was your day at work so uh yeah listen how much money would it take for you to be a to do this i don't think i could do it i don't think i got and it's not even just a human element it's just meat like i couldn't be a butcher i don't think I could do it. I don't think I could. And it's not even just a human element. It's just meat. I couldn't be a butcher. I don't. Well, you don't have to chop them up. Well, but you have to. I mean, yeah, you have to slit under their armpits and on their knees to drain the blood.

That's enough for me. What if it was half a million? Five hundred thousand dollars a year? No. Not even close, Kevin. A million dollars a year. Come on. I don't think I could do it.

I think it would fuck with me. Yeah. As fucked up as I am already. Yeah, that's true. I think it would affect me. I think you think I could do it. I think it would fuck with me as fucked up as I am already. Yeah, that's true. I think it would affect me. I think you need to be groomed. You need to be a family business. I've been watching Grandpa fucking slice dead people

since I was six. Right, I agree. So then it's like you're desensitized to it. It's like the same thing as hunting. If you grow up hunting, it's like, yeah,

I'll just blast animals with a gun, whatever. No big deal. You need to be around dead people. But I'm also willing to give it a shot for like a million dollars a year. I don't think a million is enough because I think it would wear on me. But would you try? No, because I think once you try, it's like goat fucking.

Once you fuck a goat, you're a goat fucker. Once you cut a body open. You're a mortician. That's it. You can't just do that one time. A couple mil? Five mil? I mean, five mil, I guess.

Yeah, right. I got to take a whack at it. But I don't think... Give me the scalpel. Yeah. Give me the lipstick. I only have to try once. I still get my five million?

Yeah, sure. Okay. I don't know if I'd do that for a million. Just cut open it. I don't know. I mean, it had to seriously be contemplated. But all right, what if you were a doctor, and you're doing an autopsy, and you're learning to do surgery and all that shit? That was never an option for me, the sciences.

It was from like seven years old. It was, dude, the only thing you can do is talk and write, so do that. My path was chosen pretty early. It was like, lawyer, insurance salesman, hopefully something comes up on the internet where you can write shit. That was it. It came right along. KFC, Bites, BC. So we'll call a spade a spade.

I stink at sex. I'm not good. It's the way it is. We'll fight through it. But I found an alarming trend in my hookup life, whatever, where if I'm genuinely interested in a girl or dating her or whatever, I can last like five minutes, a few minutes, whatever. It's not good. It's not bad, though. There's strategies. But if it's a one-night stand, like, girl, I pick up at a bar. No, there's nothing after it.

I fucking suck. Like two pump Tom tacked out. Not good. Um, I guess my question is, is, is there any, like,

do I just stop having one night stands? I mean, I'm fucking mortified at the, with this. It happens every time I've heard drinking's answer. Drinking's not the fucking answer. Like you're supposed to just get blacked out and you can last forever. My body just takes that, nope, see you later, not happening.

What do I do? Is there a good answer to this? Do I just stop hooking up with girls at the bars? I don't know. Love hearing what you guys have to say. See ya. It's rather interesting that if he's into the girl, he can last a decent amount of time, like five minutes.

What soccer is this? Liverpool, bitch. Like what league? EPL. Is it early or is it playoffs? Yeah, it's week two. I feel like soccer is all year round now. They get a month off.

They get a month off. It's crazy. Sorry. Go ahead, John. off what's like a month off it's crazy um sorry uh okay no go ahead john tell us tell us what you what was your opinion on the how to not think it's sex i don't know so i can ask you there are two guys no sense to me that if you like the girl that you'd be able to last longer no like that's where i get that like i almost think it would be the opposite like you're more nervous you're like think like, overthinking it. No, but if you like the girl, like, you know her.

You're just more comfortable? Yeah. It's with anything. Comfort is the key, right? Yeah, I guess. You're out to dinner with someone you don't really know. You're nervous, right? And you're going to fuck up.

Yeah. You're out to dinner with someone you've fucking known forever. But to me, like, I don't know. When that dick goes in and it just feels really good, it's going to feel good whether you like the girl or whether you just met her i guess like to me i don't know it's not like if i if i'm if i'm prematurely ejacking it's not like oh my god i like this girl so much i have a future with her i really think she makes me so comfortable and she brings out the best i came yeah but that's like oh that pussy feels good no you're right you're right i guess i right. I guess the comfort level

I would imagine comes in more with the just straight up getting it. Getting it hard. Right. Yeah, that I can understand. But to me, he brings home one night stands and it's just like,

bow, bow, done. And when he's with a girl he really likes, he's able to put in a good five minutes. This is one, not to brag here, this is one I've never had a problem with.

I mean, I've never been like a two pump guy. mean to have a consistently i've had my moments but to be like uh this happens every time see i would tell him who if it's the one night stands that it's happening to like who cares but he's like i'm demoralized every time so if it's like fucking with you oh yeah because that's gonna fuck you up if you can just be like i don't care i got mine still fucked like then just keep doing it it's like fucking with you. Oh yeah. Cause that's going to fuck you up. If you can just be like, I don't care. I got mine still fucked. Like then just keep doing it. It's your one night stands. You're never going to see them again.

But if you walk out of there feeling bad about yourself every time he said, should I stop doing it? I mean, I don't, I don't think that's the answer you want to give in life. Like, yeah, just give up.

Just don't try anymore. But maybe give it some thought. If you really are going to like, if it's going to be more negative than not. Some people just aren't one night stand guys. You're not a one night stand guy. Right. But it's also,

it's, I think it would also be demoralizing if some smoke is like, let's go home. And you're like, no, no, man. But then that's,

that's then your mystery. Yeah. That's the game right there, man. And then you can find out if you like her, and then you can fucking knock her socks off. Well, you know, give her five minutes. Five minutes? That's plenty.

Any more than five minutes is crazy. What about going home with her and just going down on her for like an hour? I've done that. Right? For sure. I don't think I would turn down. I would get nervous about turning down, like, blatantly available

hookups one night stands i just feel like you're spitting in the face of fate i wouldn't i wouldn't say i wouldn't i wouldn't turn down i'd be like i can't tonight um i don't know i'd make up some excuse i think i go home and figure out i've got something to do i've got a dinner i think i'm going home for playing the shit out of you Doing my two pump routine And being like You're just that hot What's the harm there I think that's such a

Fucking cliche lame thing Or whatever Sorry you're so hot Like you said I got so That's not even something I'm thinking about When

Once I'm inside There's I'm thinking about nothing Like I'm thinking about Our future together I'm not thinking about How attractive you are.

There's nothing in my mind except like... Don't come, don't come, don't come. Not even that. There's just nothing. It's blankness. It's vapid. You are just a vapid whore. There's nothing in my mind.

Nothing going on at all. You're just a brainless mimbo. Yeah, I am. You're right. I don't think I would turn anything down. I think I would go make the goddamn best of it. I've gone home and I've done the whole fucking, like, I've done the go down. Yeah, leave me down there.

I did it once where it was like, I was going down, she reached down to get my belt buckle. I jumped back like I saw a spider. Like, why are you touching me? Lady? I'm busy. Excuse me, lady. I'm not that easy. I'm not you. Trying to get in my pants? I'm busy. Excuse me, lady. I'm not that easy. I'm not you.

Trying to get in my pants? Trying to get in my, I know. I'm in your pants tonight, and that's it. That's the only thing happening here. My man of God. Don't be so presumptuous. You think you get this? I don't think so.

Knees back. I'll come up for air in about seven minutes. Until then, hands off. Don't touch me. Oh, man. And the best thing is to do, for me, do that on a Lisa mattress. Yeah, buddy. Right?

Do that on a Lisa mattress. They got that memory foam that just remembers where the butt goes, where the knees go, where your knees go that you don't let her touch. Right? You say back there. Remember where the butt goes is quite the plug for Lisa. Lisa Manchester says, we remember where the butt goes. Look, we got a lot of plugs going today. A lot of plugs.

All sorts of plugs. But no, Lisa hooked me up. It is, I, Lisa, before Lisa, I slept on couches all the time just because I like to. Came to New York, got a Lisa, buddy, I live in my bed. John goes to bed every single night now. Go to bed every single night. That's a testament to the Lisa night. When I was texting you last night, I was in bed.

Proud of you, John. Yeah, you're welcome. I didn't say thank you. I said proud of you. No, I said you're welcome for growing up. I know you've been looking forward to it. You get a quality night's sleep, recover from distractions,

prevent burnout, make better decisions, improve your memory. All this stuff is very important. I follow through with about one of those, but I'll tell you what, I have a hell of a night's sleep, recover from distractions, prevent burnout, make better decisions, improve your memory. All this stuff is very important. I follow through with about one of those, but I'll tell you what, I have a hell of a night's sleep. The mission is to provide a better night's sleep for everybody through the 110 program. They donate one mattress for every 10 they sell. Not too shabby.

Not too shabby. That's more than 26,000 mattresses in Calton, buddy. 26K. That's what I make in a year. Lisa strives to make the world better and they found it, but that doesn't stop with mattress donations.

Together with Arbor Day Foundation, Lisa also plants trees. One tree for every mattress. Committed to planting one million trees by 2025. 2025. So, get a good bed for sex. Work towards a donation for beds for people who need to have sex.

And then you plant trees. Don't miss the savings. A hundred and sixty bucks off. A hundred and sixty. Jesus Christ, folks. Lisa mattress dot com slash barstool. A hundred and sixty bucks off. And then you plant trees.

Last voice mail. Lay wood, if you will, Kevin. You lay And then you plan treats. Last voice mail. Lay wood, if you will, Kevin. You lay wood. Short-time listener, first-time caller. Got a would you rather for you. Okay, for the rest of your life, would you rather always have sex with the lights on or always have sex with the lights off? Let me hear what you think.

One, two, three. Lights on. Yeah. How am I going to see a butthole with the lights off? Exactly. That's what it comes down to. What is he talking about? One, two, three. Lights on. How am I going to see a butthole with the lights off? Exactly. That's what it comes down to. What is that all about? I mean, that's...

I mean, you know, you run the risk of like, well, you know, she can probably see yours now, too. And that's not great. But I'd rather, you know... Oh, man, you should see me. No, I shouldn't. No, I shouldn't. I'm like a dainty woman getting dressed after sex.

You don't see anything? I am. Put the leg this way. Cover up that way. Dude, I like a girl in a dress. I bend down and get my arm. It's like this. Like, okay.

Thank you. I've only seen my asshole once a long time ago. I can't believe what you're going to see. I can't let you see something I haven't seen. I mean, it's got to be gruesome. Can you imagine John's asshole? Jesus Christ. No, I mean, that is...

I got one of those Tushy.com assholes, I think. And that's worrisome in and of itself. I got no hair anywhere. We are moving on from that right now. Goodness gracious, John. we are moving on from that right now goodness gracious John the visual that you just gave our poor fucking listeners

holy fuck you know you never I'm laughing a lot today oh man that is all the thoughts running through my mind I'm not even going to. All the thoughts running through my mind. I'm not even going to say them out loud.

That is just a gruesome thought. You know what? I'm going lights off because I just thought. Now I'm going to think about John's tushy. No, thanks. And also, like, lights on. I just. I mean, I don't.

When I go down, I don't know what I'm. I need to see what I need to see. Yeah, man, it's fucking. Like, this is hard enough as it is, not going in blind. Yeah. Let me, you know, I need all my senses. I need to be able to fucking see. I need to be able to smell.

I need to be able to taste. I need to be able to hear your pussy to figure that thing out, okay? I need to listen for the G spot. What do you want me to do? What is it? Use both hands or tie one hand behind your back? I'm going to use both hands, bro. I need everything.

I need every advantage I can get. Every advantage I can possibly provide. I mean, now, I know a lot of girls out there are probably at least asking for maybe some mood lighting. You know, like dim it a little bit, you know, which is fine. I don't know if that's bathroom lighting or that's refrigerator lighting. Oh, no, refrigerator lighting is good. I've heard of girls who take selfies in front of the fridge. Oh, yeah? All right.

I mean, you need enough that I can see, but I understand I don't need, like, 10,000 kilowatt bulbs putting the HD light on places you don't want. But if it's between that and, like, pitch black, girl, turn the lights on. Yeah, pitch black is no fun. No, it's literally no fun. Like, earlier this summer, I had no memories

from it. Right. I don't know what the fuck happened. I need to be able to close my eyes and picture it again. Exactly. I can't go back and relive my past. Well, usually that's probably the best bet for me, but in this scenario, it's the one thing I want to go back and revisit. And I can't. I got nothing.

Just blackness. It's crazy. I got nothing. Just blackness. It's crazy. I got nothing. It's like it never even happened. Exactly. Listen, it's like if a tree falls in a woods, right? Yeah. If you can't close your eyes and picture a girl's butthole, did you ever even have sex? I'll leave you with that Chinese riddle.

Today's episode was brought to you by. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Pause it. Chinese rental. Today's episode was brought to you by. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Pause it. Today's episode was brought to you by my bookie. I don't need your goddamn lead-ins, Kevin.

Go do the fucking radio. Get out of here. I'll handle this last night. Thank you very much. Today's episode was brought to you by my bookie. You know, ever since I started this podcast, people have been asking me for advice. Usually it was with Tina Benoit because everyone knows they're like, fights, fights.

Who you got this weekend, buddy? Who you got? I said, buddy, I got the New England Patriots, and that's about it. But now I tell them to use my bookie because that's the way to do it. You lay down some cash, you win big. I wouldn't recommend something that doesn't work. Right? My bookie, it works.

They pay you out. They take care of you. They know. You say, hey, I'm a fights Guy. I say, I got you. That's why I'm urging everyone to use MyBookie because when you win, they pay. They have in-game betting. They have live betting. They have the most rewarding player perks in the business

for the fantasy guys out there. You can even bet the overrunner on how many fantasy points a player will score each game. Join MyBookie now. They will match your deposit dollar for dollar. That 401k shit. Use the promo code KFC to activate the offer. My bookie online today. That's M Y B O O K I E.

Don't forget to use the promo code KFC while creating your account. Cause you get that double bonus. You win, you play, you get paid, you play, you win, you get paid.

I said that backwards. Fuck it.