KFC Radio - KFCradio: TJ Miller

Episode Date: July 17, 2018

is KFC and Feitelberg down in DC for the MLB AllStar game hanging out with JD Martinez and Chris Sale, promising the return of #BarstoolConfessions, and answering you voicemails including: masturbating during The Shining, how long can you wait before asking for stuff back after a breakup, and best moves in a romcom. Feits and Donnie sat down with TJ Miller to talk about roles he'd accept, the Mr. Rogers movie, how Netflix is like a drug dealer, running out of culture, and an embarrassing Ryan Reynolds storyEpisode brought to you by:SimpliSafe simplisafe.com/kfcradioBlu myblu.com Just 20 minutes to charge and you're set all dayMint Mobile mintmobile.com/kfc Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month and get free shipping on yourMint Mobile SIM CardLeesa leesa.com/barstool for $160 offTeeter teeter.com/kfc for $150 savingsLightStream lightstream.com/kfc get an additional interest rate discount on top of LightStream's already low ratesYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio comes to you completely pre-recorded from Washington, D.C. We are live down here at the All-Star Break. We got our tacos showing up. We are in the air conditioning right now, thank God, because it is hotter than the devil's dick out there. Dude, people talk about how hot D.C DC is all the time, and I thought it was kind of like an overstated thing. So did I. I didn't think DC could be that hot. Everyone whose hand

I've shaken thus far? Soaking wet. Sweaty palm. Soaking wet hands. Big time sweaty palm. Everyone in DC is a soaker. No wonder politicians are so miserable and shit like that. Everyone's soaking drippy hands. Why is it so hot here? You would think that we're like at the equator. Yeah. It's crazy. It makes no sense. It's brutally hot. We're coming, we're doing all of of our shows in the middle of a fucking parking lot.

We're in the bullpen. It's an awesome bar, but it's hotter than shit. So right now, quick little break into the AFC, eating some Mexican food, recording the podcast. We're making Liz sit alone while we do this, by the way. We're at a Mexican place, so Liz is very happy. We just put her alone and eat our tacos. She's waving behind. So today's episode is brought to you by SimpliSafe.

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That's Simpl's simply safe.com slash kfc radio that's right i'll tell you what there's some good in the world happening and you know a lot of people are doing that as always whenever we have one of these sponsors that does the like buy one we'll donate one i know i can use all the karma i can get and if you're listening to this show you probably can too that is the hallmark of our people. We all need all the good karma out here. We are in Washington, D.C., like I said, one of the barstool on the road type of weeks.

I just got in today. I hopped on the train in the morning. I was doing a little... What time did you get to your train? 9 a.m. Okay, that's not bad. Why? I just thought it was going to be some impressively early thing. No, no, no. It was actually reasonable. I thought it was going to have to be that way. 9 a.m. to 12 p.m.

I watched a few episodes of Banshee. Solid. Yeah. A lot of fucking, a lot of murder. Like right away, there's a bunch of naked chicks and people getting murdered in ridiculous ways. I was like, um. My favorite part of work trips is the travel. Like when I'm on the plane.

Oh, see. When I'm on the train, when I'm just by myself and there's nothing to do, I'm like, I'll watch a movie, watch whatever, drink some booze, eat some food, and I'm as happy as a pig and shit. I had some interesting travel yesterday because I was sitting next to a man who was humongous. Oh, I saw this. Right? He was huge.

And it was actually like I just – I saw people like were waiting in line. Like people were just like standing, kind of looking for seats on the train. I could tell it was actually, like, I just, I saw people, like, were waiting in line. Like, people were just, like, standing, kind of looking for seats on the train. I could tell it was going to be a packed train. I could tell no one wanted to sit next to this guy because he was huge. Super fat. So I was just like, fuck, I'm going to sit next to this guy. I don't give a shit. Right.

I really don't care. I usually cross my legs, like, very narrow. Yeah, you sit like a little bitch boy. Narrow. Yeah. So, like, I don't take up a lot of space. Right. Despite, like, being a pretty large person.

Yeah, for your size, you take up minimal seat space because you sit like a woman. Yeah. And so I was like, I don't give a shit. I'll just fucking do this. And so I sat next to the guy but I could feel him being kind of tense

where he was like trying to suck it in. Yeah. Like just trying to make his 500 pound frame smaller and it wasn't working. But I didn't, people like,

I tweeted out that I said, I want to tell him like, yo man, I don't give a fuck. Let it spill bro. It's fine. Let it spill. And People, like, I tweeted out that I said, I want to tell him, like, yo, man, I don't give a fuck. Let it spill, bro. It's fine. Let it spill. And people were like, you should do it. Like, why don't you do that?

It's a really nice gesture. Maybe I'm reading the room wrong, and he's totally fine, and he doesn't need a little shithead to be like, hey, I'm cool with you being fat. Or, or you're reading the room right, and this is a guy who already is clearly self-conscious to the point that he's sucking his fat in, who doesn't need some stranger turning up to him saying hey you know what it's okay to just be morbidly obese in front of me yeah maybe that's not exactly gonna help the self-esteem nice way to say no it's like a really weird imagine saying tap you on the shoulder hey bro you can be fat in front of me what that was that was the joke and people were like oh yeah like do it do it now i just want to be like yeah man it's cool. As always, do not listen to the internet and their social skills.

They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. The only people on the internet you should listen to, me and John. Right. Honest to God, I've said this before. I've said one thing before. I said, everyone on this earth is disgusting except for me. Like, I feel like I need to, like, we're just talking about the sweaty palms. Yeah, everybody's got the sweaty palms.

Everyone's gross. Every time, every hand I shake, I'm like, yo, my hand is so much drier than yours. I am so much better than you. Yeah, but listen, I'm going to stand up for sweaty people right now. You, you are the hairless cat, you are the deodorant-less boy, and you are the sweatless monster. Your body, your homeostasis just naturally... My body, I'm fine. You know what you are?

I swear to God, I'm going to give you a big compliment. Well, backhanded compliment. If you got your shit together, you could be like an astronaut. Oh, whoa. Yeah. A space construction worker? Because your body does these weird things. Like, first of all, I could see a prerequisite being like you can't have hair.

I don't know. You need to put on these special suits and have air locks. No hair. You don't sweat. You stay cool, calm calm the problem is that you're like a functioning alcoholic and you're addicted to tobacco and you have uh intense uh social depression and you don't maximize your intelligence so all those things are really going against you but if you clean all those up you would be a good astronaut okay but yeah you know you don't do it first of all no but uh but thank you.

Yeah, that's great. Except for all those things that are like real problems. Really big problems. Major, major problems. It's basically just like you don't sweat. And I'm going to stand up for the people who do sweat here. This is unbearable heat. I don't know what's going on because it says it's 90.

I've dealt with 90. Yeah. It's 190. I've dealt with 90 before. This ain't 90. Dude, I lived in the fucking Florida Panhandle. South, yeah. Yeah. It's 190. I've dealt with 90 before. This ain't 90. Dude, I lived in the fucking Florida Panhandle. Yeah. It was not this hot.

Apparently, no. This is this DC thing. I think it's because it's one big parking lot, and it's just so hot. I'll say this. These are my levels of hot. There's armpit sweat, which that can happen to me in the winter. You can be hot. You can have armpit sweat even when it's not hot.

Then I have brow sweat. That's when it's be hot. You can have armpit sweat even when it's not hot. Then I have brow sweat. That's when it's like summertime hot. This is also like a skinny fat slash fat person thing. When you get belly sweat, that's when you know it's hot. I was just sitting down for the rundown, and my shirt was touching my belly, and it got wet spots on my belly. Ew, Kevin. That's when you know it's hot.

You could not be an astronaut. No way. No way. We all do. Even Liz had it. Liz is a hot chick, and she had belly sweat. That's when you know it's hot. You could not be an astronaut. No way. No way. We all do. Even Liz had it. Liz is a hot chick, and she had belly sweat. That's when you know it's truly hot. Yeah, right.

Those are the levels of sweat. That's the levels of hot. So we're just roasting away. I know. I hate you for it. I hate your guts for it. So I got here today. Let me just say this.

You know how I've been doing my crusade to eliminate social norms of meals? Yes. I'm not doing breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm doing meal one, meal two, meal three. By the way, just so we're clear, two years ago, I wrote a blog about that. Oh, what are we going to do? Like the Feidelberg Portnoy thing? Like I've been wearing those pants for two years, bro?

I guess in a sense we are, yeah. Well, listen, I know what you're going to talk about. You did your hamburger blog. Yeah. What is it called? Eat Hamburgers for Breakfast. No, but wasn't it like a specific? are, yeah. Well, listen, I know what you're going to talk about. You did your hamburger vlog. What is it called? Eat hamburgers for breakfast. No, but wasn't it like a specific – Eat cheeseburgers for breakfast. Right, right, right.

Yeah, listen, I'm not saying I invented anything. No, no, no. I'm not accusing you of that. I'm carrying the torch. I'm not accusing you of that. We're not actually doing the point. What it really is is you were coming from a spot of like – you were probably like 24, 25 at the time, maybe a little older.

I don't know how old you are. So I just, if you tell me that was two years ago, I got nothing. I think I was 26. Okay. So there's two levels. There's either like I'm young and I don't give a fuck what I do when I do it. Now my thing, you're up around the clock cause you're drunk and you don't care. I'm up around the clock cause of my kids.

So we're coming from two different angles, but we're meeting in the middle where it's like i'm gonna eat what i want when i want to do it so i also i was on the train today like i just said i love my travel time so i was like i soak it in i like get a little drunk i go to get food that i want to eat and i sit on the train and i watch some fucking like i was watching this show that had like major major sex scenes and i was enjoying them and everybody could see and so i went and got shake shack at like 8 a.m oh i had two shack burgers cheese fries yeah oh yeah i got a little uh i got a nip and did like a little uh true driver action very nice uh so yeah um i was i was feeling it i was enjoying my travel however you guys last night went to a party that made me think to myself,

probably should have gone down last night. You should have come last night. Today's recap of last night's Adidas party with the stars of Major League Baseball and the stars of Pup Punk and Feidelberg are brought to you by MyBlue. MyBlue is the OG vape. We are the OG podcasters. MyBlue is the OG vape pen. So if OG podcasters. My Blue is the OG Vape pen. So if you care about being down

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which has got to be the most important thing, and it's got the free limited lifetime device warranty called MyCare, so try MyBlue today. Go to MyBlue.com. That's M-Y-B-L-U dot com,com and check it out the og vape for the og podcasters last night fights frankie borelli producer logan who else anybody else from the crew um that was the original original crew that was the not fucking around crew that went out first got it i texted you about it i was like yeah i was like yeah well because i got here and i texted them and i met out

met the three of them out for a drink. Brett. Brett. No, yeah. So Brett, Logan, Frankie, you. Yeah. The four horsemen of the goddamn apocalypse. This is not fucking around, crew. And I texted them when I first got here.

I met them out for a couple of drinks. And then I had a text from a friend who works at Adidas, which is probably my most important relationship I maintain. Yo, it's my most important relationship that you maintain. Sam, I love her. She's great. I only see her when we're at major sporting events and Adidas is having a party. I'll just check in periodically. Yo, you talked to her recently? Is anything going on? Any goodie bags coming our way?

I think the only time I've seen her in the last few years has been I saw her at the Rugby 7s in LA, the last two Super Bowls, and this party. Whenever there's a major sporting event, we're both there. And so she texted me. She's like, yo, I'm at the Adidas party. We're having a party tonight.

You should come by. And I was like, I appreciate it, but I'm with some friends, and I don't want to— You don't want to be that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So don't give a fuck. Bring the whole squad. So we roll in, and we get there. And the thing was like that's jd martinez he was like taking like a picture like along the wall or whatever and then are these guys adidas athletes

or they're just there at the party are they like signed i think they're adidas athletes oh yeah yeah because they were yeah they're adidas athletes and um and then where the bar getting a drink and sale is standing right next to us ch Chris sale. Heard of him. And as that, as that text comes in, as that was happening, a text comes in from Carabas to Frankie. He's like, Hey man, what are you up to him at this party?

And it stinks. And Frankie replies, I'm literally standing right next to Chris sale. Where the fuck are you? Of all people too. I mean the Carabas versus Frankie and hubs rivalry right now has just been bubbling all season long. It's the Yankee Weasels versus Gold Bottles Carrabbas.

They fucking hate each other. Carrabbas is basically like a pathological liar at all times. Frankie and Hubs are these Yankee Weasels. So the fact that Frankie gets in and is hanging out with Jumbo Dong and Chris Sale. That's what he replied next. He goes, oh, wait, Jumbo Dong Martinez. In all caps. Just stood next to me. What the? And so Carabas immediately.

Carabas was there in 10 minutes after that. I'm sure. And then Carabas. Took a helicopter there. He got to the door. And Frank, we happened to be like standing near the front for that. And Frankie just goes, hey, yo, yo, you need me to get you in? And he literally did.

Because Carabas didn't know who to say he was with. Was Frankie doing it like to actually be nice or was he being a dick? Oh, he announced it being a dick. Yeah. He invited him to be nice. Right, right. But then he's going to, yeah, get your money's worth. He's like, hey, hey, you need me to get you?

So he walked over and said, who Krabis is with? I'll be perfectly honest. If I have a, I think I wouldn't have gone. I don't think I've given Frankie the satisfaction of being like, let me get you in, boss. I'll get you in, bro. Yeah, no chance. For a Team Portnoy member, no shot I'm doing that. Frankie even tweeted, I got Kropos in.

It's nice to just help these guys meet their heroes. What a dick. What a high he's riding, from Pup Punk to Foo Fighters to Chris Sale and J.D. Martinez. Yeah, and then we talked. I mean, we talked to him for a while. J.D. was awesome. J.D. was, like, very, very cool dude. Smaller than I thought. I'm bigger than J.D. Martinez. Yeah. And then we talked. I mean, we talked to him for a while. J.D. was awesome. J.D. was, like, very, very cool dude. Smaller than I thought.

I'm bigger than J.D. Martinez. Really? Yeah. Guy can just swing a stick the right way. But at one point, we're kind of just, like, shooting the breeze. And, like, he knows Karabas. Like, Karabas walked up to him, and it was, like, dapped up. It was like, what up, man?

Yeah. I don't know if they'd ever met. Well, it's funny, though. I mean, for those who don't know, Karabas, like, wanted him as a free agent. Then J.D. Martinez kind of, like, was like, I don't need the Red Sox. And Karabas was like, fuck you, I'm out. And I fought Karabas on that on Section 10. Like, this is what negotiations are.

Yeah, this is how it goes. This is how it goes. I mean, in classic Karabas fashion, he had his, like, but if he signs, I'll still love him. You know, he half-assed it, of course. But, yeah, the fact that they're, like, cool, he signs, I'll still love him. He half-assed it, of course. But yeah, the fact that they're like, cool. It's weird. Yeah. So he

dabs him up, they say what up, and we're talking and Frankie at one point, Frankie just goes, honestly, man, can you just can you just please stop doing what you're doing? And JD just gives him the Kembe finger while he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was.

That reminds me of when I met Vinatieri at, ooh, Churro Bites. That's what's up. When I met Adam Vinatieri at Pat McAfee's retirement slash parcel announcement press conference, I was like, you know, it's like a pleasure to meet you. But seriously, fuck you, dude. You've been ruining my life for a long time now. It's a weird feeling when you meet guys who you're like,

no, man, I swear to God, if I met him, I'd fucking yell at him. I'd tell him for real how I feel. It's like, no. Some of these guys, you're never going to be the tough guy you say you're going to be. But sometimes you've got to let people know. When J.D. Martinez had 30 home runs at the fucking break and you're a yankee fan you gotta let them know like come on man please please stop by the way the yankees who were there last night it was aaron judge was a no-show there at one point the doors were closed and take a bite of the churros

by the way people they're like light and fluffy they're amazing people were trying to get in and the door people the door said the like Kravitz's friends came late and they didn't let him in. That's it. Capacity. They said the only person who's allowed to come in at this point is Aaron Judge.

And Judge didn't come in. What a dick. Right? And then, who are you? Who the fuck are you, Aaron Judge? Who's around for two minutes?

Severino was there. Like, wasn't Minglin, wasn't, wasn't mixed in? The Yankees are the worst. I don't care how much they win. And Frank himself said it.

Frank himself was like, we're mixing it up and chilling with Sale and Martinez and having fun, and Severino's just sitting by himself. And you're at the All-Star game. You're allowed to – nobody cares. You're allowed to get fucked up. Listen, of course I would want to be a Yankee fan and win all the championships, but they're genuinely the worst to root for. I really mean that.

And Sale was like – I'll tell you what, Sale slow played the hell out of for. Yeah. I really mean that. And Sale was like, I'll tell you what, Sale slow played the hell out of me. We were just talking, we were shooting the briefs for like, I don't know, 10 minutes, just like talking at the bar

and talking about all kinds of shit. And he never once indicated that he's a Barstool guy. Never once even like, we didn't bring it up. Did you think that he was just like, did he think that you were just like, Karabas' buddy and just like,

hey, what's up, man? Nice to meet you. I just thought, yeah. Because, I mean, listen, you're a very down-to-earth guy, so you're probably not even thinking this way, but Chris Sale's not just going to go talk to some schmo for a long time. I honestly thought he was just talking to a guy at the bar. Maybe he would.

Maybe he's that nice of a guy, but I feel like he's probably talking to you because your bar's still. I guess. I just thought, like, I went up to him i said hey i'm john like big fan blah blah we just started talking about baseball that's my bae he's so down to earth he's just such a humble guy and then like we talked for like 10 minutes and he's like all right i gotta run man and then we kind of dapped up and he's like and by the way fucking bring back confessions and i was like oh oh you know you know who i am and then i tweeted i'm bringing

back investors like i got on the computer and put up a blog right away million random ass people could ask me and i'd be like i just didn't think they were good anymore i didn't find them interesting i didn't i didn't stop them for any reason other than the fact that it was good by the way doing confessions isn't a thing you just put up a blog st barstow confession it's not like you wrote like uh yeah and but i just didn't think they were good. I wasn't getting them anymore on Twitter. I just didn't think they were good. What's the level of athlete or star that could get you to restart?

Star in the All-Star Game. Is that like if Mookie Betts asked you? Star in the All-Star Game. Okay, if Xander Bogarts asked you? Nope. Nope, it's got to literally be a star in the All-Star Game. Yeah, you'reander Bogarts asked you. Nope. Nope, it's got to literally be a starter in the All-Star game. Yeah, you're a starting All-Star game pitcher. I'll bring back.

I was like, right away, I was like, done. This Friday, they're back. 100%. So you're rubbing elbows with Sale, J.D. Martinez. You've got Carabas versus Frankie. You're getting free Adidas swag. Oh, yo. Bro, you're living the highlights, man.

You got the free Adidas swag. Oh, yo. Bro, you're living the highlights, man. We got the free Adidas swag. We got the Donovan Mitchell wore that rookie sweatshirt to define rookie. And so Adidas made for the definition of all-star. They made sweatshirts for that. By the way, what did it say? Because if you look around

the goddamn NL all-star team, there's some scrubs on there. So I would be interested to know what the definition is. I haven't read it. I looked at it, but the, and they're not even putting them on sale. They're not doing anything but giving them to the All-Stars. Johnny fights out. They're not fucking around.

You know why? Yeah, because you guys are fucking All-Stars. You got one who's a rock star. You got one guy who's on the longest running podcast at Barstool. You got OMB who puts up with more fucking emotional trauma than absolutely anybody. And who was the other one? Logan. And Logan, the best producer in the goddamn game.

They're not fucking around crew. We're coming out to DC. We're running this shit. You hear? Let's get into some voicemails. And then we've got an interview, if you can call it that, with TJ Miller. It's not an interview. It is just the stream of consciousness and the ramblings of an off-the-rails Hollywood star. I feel like this is almost like, not that obviously TJ Miller has been very much in the news

and kind of been out to space, out to lunch for a long time now, but I feel like maybe we got the last interview before something really big goes on. Because that interview, I wasn't even part of it. It was Donnie and Fights on the Friday after Pup Punk where it was the Skeleton Crew. Mikey Podcast called us up. He's like, yo, we got TJ Miller at noon. These guys jumped in and did it.

I got there at 11.55. I didn't realize, because in our text crew, Logan didn't clarify that Francis wasn't doing it. So he said, Don's going to do it. I replied, perfect. Thinking those two. So did I. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, perfect. Word. I'm not getting out of bed yet. Yeah. So yeah, you were running over at noon. And then Logan called me at 11.50. He's like, are you going to make it here for noon? I said, I did not know I was supposed to be there.

Dude, what a perfect way that Barstool operates. For those who think, my favorite thing is if anybody ever calls us try hard. Like, we are not trying at all, let alone hard, okay? We rolled out of bed at 11.58 for a 12 p.m. interview with TJ Miller. And, like, we barely had anybody able to do it. I was like, nah, I can't do it. Three other people were like, can't make it. Fights rolls over with Donnie.

And so it is the stream, the rambling stream of consciousness of a man who has a lot going on in his life. So we'll get to that after voicemails. But today's voicemails are brought to you by Mint Mobile. Big wireless can stand for a lot of things. I'm talking big contracts, big bills, big secrets. The AT&Ts and the Verizons of the world, they don't want you to know that you can cut down on your wireless bill down to just 15 bucks a

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10 gigabyte 4G LTE plans. What? No more paying for the unlimited data that you never use. You pay for exactly what you need. You got unlimited text and talk. Feidelberg is floored right now. Yeah. Mint Mobile has you covered. Mint Mobile has you covered, man. They got a

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So I have a story about one of my friends. She went on a Tinder date with this guy. They went out to dinner and it was fine. And then he invited her back to his house and was like, do you want to watch a movie? And she said, sure. And he's like, let's watch my favorite movie. It's The Shining. She was like, all right, that's kind of weird, but whatever.

So they start watching The Shining, and she looks over, and he's, like, rustling under the blankets, and she's like, what is this guy doing? And she looks over, and he's jacking off to The Shining. Like, while they're just sitting there, like, not touching her, like, legit just jacking off. So she went to the bathroom and left. So I was just wondering if this is weird. Obviously, I think it's weird, but is there a movie that you guys think turns you on? I'm just confused.

Viva. All right, so we got this girl. She goes on a Tinder date. The guy on the date says, you want to go back to my place and watch a movie? She's down. So obviously, the date must have gone pretty well. He gets back to his apartment. He says, let's put on The Shining.

It's my favorite movie. Already an interesting choice. Mid-movie, he starts jerking off. She's laying next to him. She feels some rustling under the blanket. She sees some movement. She looks over. He's jerking off to The Shining on a Tinder date.

She gets up to excuse herself to go to the bathroom and just bounces. I was literally just rendered speechless. I would call it pre-crime, except that's just literally the crime, I think. I don't think you can do that in the presence of someone. That's just crime. The girl's question was,

do you have a movie that turns you on like this? Like, no. I don't have a movie that makes me want to jerk off next to someone. The How Many Likes Music video. Yeah, I mean, no one could be held responsible for your actions when that comes on. Me, it would be Little Kim for me. It would be the original, the Crush on You remix, where she had all the different fur coats and different colored thongs on.

That did it for me. There's certain Little Kim moments when a man just can't be held responsible for his actions. Lil' Kim was a fucking fatty. She can make a Sprite can disappear in her mouth, bro. She had her stomach pumped from too much cum. That's one of the truest rumors ever. The best and realest urban legend of all time. So a guy cannot be responsible for any Lil' Kim incidents.

The shining, I mean, this reeks to me of a fetish. If you go home and you say, let's put on The Shining, it was your choice, you say it's your favorite movie, and then you jerk off, that means this is like your thing.

Do you think like, like honestly, Redrum, Redrum, Redrum, just crack it off. First of all, The Shining stinks.

Wow. Big take. It's kind of like your Godfather thing. I watched it for the first time ever this past spring, I think. Yeah.

In bed on a home over Sunday. I fell asleep. I haven't seen it. I fell asleep in like two hours. I've probably seen it like once all the way through, so I can't speak to it really. I definitely think it's creepy. It gives me the willies. It's a weird show.

I didn't get willies. I got super underwhelmed. But this is what it comes down to. You cannot watch a movie that's like 30 years old, no matter what it is. If you haven't seen it, if you've seen it and you like it, you'll always be able to watch it. Because you can put yourself back. I'll be able to watch Home Alone until I'm 1,000 because I'll always remember. If you watched it now and you've never seen it, you probably wouldn't like it.

TV shows, it's not even 30 years. It's honestly like 10 or 15 at this point. You just can't do it. If I'm like six months late, I'm like, I'm out. I can't do it. It's honestly like 10 or 15 at this point. You just can't do it. If I'm like six months late, I'm like, I'm out. I can't do it. It's just like the look of it. It actually is. Like early 2000s, you can't go back. Brady's early highlights, to bring

him up again, Brady's early highlights looked like they were filmed in 1962. Yeah, standard definition shit. Can't do it. Anything that doesn't look real, I just could not share. Let's go. Horror movies. I remember one not share less about horror movies. I remember one time when I was growing up, I was scared of...

I watched The Green Mile, and I actually got scared. Yeah. And then the next night, my dad was like, instead of comforting me, he's like, you want to really get fucking scared, you little pussy? He's like, we're going to watch Werewolf in London. And I watched that. What a choice. And that was so ridiculous. I got not scared.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he remembered him seeing it as a kid. Right. He thought that was going to be awesome. I'm going to do a werewolf. This is ridiculous. You know what I think holds up? But I've seen it.

I feel like you could watch The Exorcist now and be creeped out. No? I watched The Exorcist when I was in high school. Maybe that's just because I've seen it. I just feel like that devil possessed shit with little girls and priests. Creeped out. No? I watched The Exorcist when I was in high school. Maybe that's just because I've seen it. I just feel like that devil possessed shit with little girls and priests will always fucking scare me. But it looks like her crawling on the stairs isn't creepy looking. It looks so ridiculous. No, yeah.

At that point, it was like, oh, shit. At that point, they were doing like... I think the only thing... I remember the way they filmed in the stairwell there. They hadn't even invented like moving cameras, like stably moving cameras. So like wobbling. They made, like, a swing set on the stairwell, and they had a photographer just sit in it, and then someone would pull him from behind,

and that's how they got the shots of people running up the stairs, and that had never been done. That was a big deal. It was, like, crazy directorial. That's talking movies on KFC radio, bro. Watch out, like, it's a camera podcast. Fuck you guys. So, yeah, so listen we're

not even going to be impressed with some of these movies let alone start jerking off to it i mean listen this guy is like a fucking bona fide sexual deviant yeah like we should send them that girl almost has a responsibility like send the police to his house it's a real real problem he's probably got bodies in the freezer the only thing i like my, my mind's so twisted, I'm like, maybe it's a joke with himself. Like, maybe he just thinks it's funny to do that. Because like, I'm a guy who's had,

Oh yeah, sexual assault. It's just a joke. I've had people from Backpage come to my apartment. Hey now, watch out when you, just,

oh, I've talked about this before. We used to watch The Sopranos. I don't think we've talked about this. We've talked about that. You ordered hookers just to watch The Sopranos? And they were so confused. When did you do this?

When you were young? Like as a prank? Yeah. Or because you like... I never started jerking off, but like, we just got girls from Backpage and we were like, they're like, what do you guys want to do? Who's the we? Like you and a buddy grabbed a couple girls?

Yeah. Got it. We got two girls from Backpage and we were like, we're just going to watch an episode of The Sopranos. Did they get like the same amount of money that they would? So that's like the best night ever for them. They called their pimp, and they were laughing. They were like, nah, it's cool.

We're just watching The Sopranos with a bunch of kids. You want to come too? With a bunch of kids. What a move. I don't think. I mean, there's just been so many stories on this show, but maybe I did know that deep in my mind. I definitely imagined it.

Fights out here watching Tony Soprano with hookers. I don't even watch the Sopranos. It's not even like I'm watching my favorite episode. I've never seen the Sopranos. That is a fine joke. Jerking off next to a girl is not a joke. Yeah, yeah. Not a prank.

My dick did not get pulled out or anything like that. It was just, we just watched the show. I will say, you know. It's not even a prank. I mean, we all had fun. They weren't uncomfortable. We were having fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I get that. The only thing I'll say is that I could see, let's like the flip side. A guy calls up and he's like, yo, should I bring this girl back to my place? And we're trying to hook up, but it's not working. Like, what do I do? I could see a scenario where we're like, just go for it, man. Just like lay yourself out there. Put it all on the line.

And if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. And he was like, I'll take my deck out and jerk it off. I don't know. I'm trying to level with him, trying to figure out out a way here if she's under the covers with you yeah it's there right lean over yeah like yeah right right just yeah if you go on a tinder date and a girl agrees to come back to your place for the movie like it's pretty much a done deal that something's gonna go on gets under the don't yeah don't ruin it kiss her right just like just rub her a little bit just Just rub her, not your dick.

I'm the worst in the world at reading signals. Even you would be able to handle that. If I came home from dinner and got in bed with me, I'd be able to be like, okay, she wants to hook up. Yeah, bottom line, don't do that. Don't do that at all. Next voicemail. What's up, KFC? It's SuperFootyRBC.

A longtime steward from the great state of Oregon. Go Beavs. Just got a little question for you guys. So I just pulled the classic rom-com. Pebbles thrown at the window. Boombox on the shoulder. I didn't have a boombox, so I was using my phone. Just a quick question.

What is the weirdest thing that you guys have done in that vein, the rom-com kind of vein, if anything? I'm hoping this one worked. Anyway. All right. Shout out to all my rom-com fans out there. First of all, I want to say, first of all, this is a unique experience in the filming of KFC Radio, whereas you're just listening to the radio. Right. So I kind of like to fill the people in. so we're sitting at the bar because you can't really

hear the voicemails i'm just listening to them and recapping them john you say that as if that's not what i've been doing for six years no i always listen to the voicemails and you always text during them and then i have to say something like so we got this guy who's doing this thing that usually used to be that way still that that way. I really focus on it. And now occasionally I will look at you and be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is true. When it was KFC Radio 1.0, you guys would never listen. And I knew that.

And then when it got down to just me and you, you started to. Yeah, I put my phone on. Now I only read my phone and text her hats. Oh, man. You son of a bitch. John has finessed this so well. Like, oh man, I don't think I'm good at ad reads. What is, no.

I never said that. I don't think I'm good at interviews. I don't, I'm fine at ad reads. All right, so you're going to do half the ad reads from now on. Yeah, you fucked yourself on that one. So, rom-com movies, a couple things. First of all, the super producer, excellent producer, Logan, is working on our best rom-com movies, a couple things. First of all, the super producer, excellent producer Logan, is working on our best rom-com, drom-com, com-rom video.

It's a masterpiece, and it will be out shortly. Also, Alone Together, this week, Thursday night, at the Ainsworth. Jurassic World is the primary movie. If you'd also want to go see Skyscraper, that'll be a little secondary action. We're all going to get together at the Ainsworth. 26th Street Ainsworth? 26th. the primary movie. If you'd also want to go see Skyscraper, that'll be a little secondary action. We're all going to get together at the Ainsworth. 26th Street Ainsworth? Which Ainsworth? 26th. The original Ainsworth on 26th Street. So we're all going to get together out there. We have an RSVP list out right now. Go to kfcradio.com slash alone. You have to sign up.

You have to RSVP to get your drink tickets. So if you're going to come through, sign up at chaosradio.com slash alone. What is the best rom-com type move you've ever pulled? So this guy was throwing pebbles at the window, which I didn't think was a real thing that actually happened. Have you ever done a movie move? The short quick answer here for about 99% of the world is going to be no. Yeah. Because movies are not real. They are not real. Good point. And I think you need to remember that in all facets of life. I had a moment the other day. You know, my life's been topsy-turvy and completely flipped upside down. So everything I watch now, I get emotional one way or the other.

I've been crying a lot, too. Have you been? Yeah. You were getting old, man. What were you crying at recently? Honestly, everything, Kevin. What was the last one? I've been on my period for like a year.

I'm like a pregnant woman right now. We're the most sensitive fucking podcast on the internet, dude. I've been crying at everything. I mean, it's just we're getting in touch with our emotions. I was texting with Hank the other day and I was crying. What were you talking about? Granted, we were both talking about our friends who passed away. But it was still just texting.

Yeah, dead friends are a reason to cry i mean i i'm not gonna go as far as say that i cry there was no tears but i got emotional at pop punk i cried in the cock blockers i watched cock blockers i wasn't i mean that was like that was like friday i cry everything i was just crying at something like heavy crying what was? This was like last night I was crying. I mean, it's so frequent now, I don't even know what it is. Everything I watch, I cry. I think I cried when we watched The Office. I think I cried when Michael and Ollie got engaged.

Everything. Yo, when I, at Pup Punk, everybody who had girlfriends, their girls were supporting them like crazy, and family was there, and my family life was so fucked up. I would just start thinking about it and start crying about punk. When I saw Frankie Borelli's dad representing for him, I wasn't crying at the show, but I was definitely goosebumps and emotional. And then in the privacy of my own home, I was weeping. Dude, we're both such women.

We are such bitches. We are such little beta boy bitches. So, I mean, to answer your question like i think all i don't think i'm like cool enough to be pulling off the moves on the guy who's sitting there crying like a little bitch about it i mean i did like like i i do think my like first date move is that's definitely a rom-com move yeah um for those who don't know they they what do you want to do on your first date pick pick the thing that they like the least because if i can make you smile during that, I can make anything happen. I say that.

I'm so mad I brought that up. Now you shot yourself in the foot. I know. But, yeah, I always be like, what are we going to do? What do you like doing the least? Let's spin this into, this will be all quickie. We're going to break down the best rom-com moves, best movie moves we've ever seen. Our favorite

lines or favorite whatever. What are you laughing at? I got one that's like so fucking funny. Save it for the quickie. Yeah, I will. And we'll talk about, we'll come up with a couple original ideas for... Oh, Jesus.

Oh, yeah. We're going to actually Rom- Oh, Jesus. Oh, yeah. We're going to actually have to do some work. So, yeah, we'll break that down quickie-wise. The best rom-com move out there. Let's talk about snooping. Hey, Casey. Hi. Super British ABC.

So I'm trying to say this really fast before the kid comes back. The long story short, I went to his phone. I saw some shit that I thought he was lying about. Woke him up out of his sleep, confronted him about it. Turns out I was completely wrong. Like, he was right about everything. Like, don't want to get into the situation. It's kind of boring.

But point being, I was wrong. He was right. So rather than, like, being a normal girl, I just turned around and I was like, all right, I'm sorry. Like, I was wrong. Like, you're right. Like, I shouldn't have said anything. Like, I'm sorry. I was wrong, you're right, I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't trust you. But now all my friends are saying that now I've given him too much power, now he's going to bother me all the time.

So let me know if I did the wrong thing or not. Wild situation here. We had a girl calling mid-snoop. She said, I gotta make this quick before he comes back so she went snooping through his phone while he was like in the bathroom or something that is crazy can you imagine doing that's like i mean when you go snooping through a phone that's like a high pressure that's a high pressure operation to do that and then be like i gotta call my favorite podcast voicemail line. I got to just leave these guys on message.

You could do that at any point. At any point. The line is open at all times. So she went snooping. He was right. She was wrong. He was telling the truth the whole time. And now her friends are saying she admitted it.

She said, listen, I know you were telling the truth. I'm sorry. Now her friends think that she gave away too much power. I don't understand. I don't understand either because girls are crazy. I was like, I don't get it. I mean, if a girl went snooping. You're wrong.

Well, here's the thing. No, I kind of get it. If a girl went snooping and I was vindicated, the next time she snoops, you have the precedent. It would be like, it was just like, you're doing it again. It's just like last time. You're going to do this every time you have a hunch. Last time you were wrong. This time you're wrong.

That's a precedent that you're able to reference every time there's an incident of some sort. Oh, see, I don't even like, I just assume. I assume the woman I'm seeing is snooping on my phone. And you would be correct. Right. So if you tell me you did it, I don't care. I'm like, yeah. That's why I have a keep safe.

Yeah, I mean, you're smart about it. I was not. So, I mean, here's what I've learned throughout my experiences as someone who had their life completely ruined because somebody found something on my phone. I remember at the time being like, man, that's fucked up. Because, I mean, she had my Twitter downloaded on her phone, you know? So, like, if you leave your phone out or something like that. But I was like, there was an extra step of, you know, people have said to me a million times, how could you be so stupid?

I was like, I mean, I was the victim of like a hacker, okay? So, but my point being that there was a time where I was like, this is fucked up. This is like a violation. And then I realized two things. One, my violation was way worse. And two, it's just standard. It's not a violation. Every girl is doing it.

It's like when you date a girl, you always accept the fact that they're maybe going to be a little bit more emotional than you, right? That's just like a thing between men and women. You also just have to accept. Speaking of that, by the way, can I just tell you? I had an ex-girlfriend text me the other day. She said, I finally got around to watching Very Cavallari, and you and Jay Cutler are the exact same fucking person, except he's more romantic. Oh, wow.

Which was a nice little dagger to throw in there. Yeah, man. No one that I like to think of myself as a romantic. Yo, saying, I mean, the levels of like romance is apparently, like romantic is like a brick wall, Jay Cutler and then you apparently. Like that's crazy. So you just have to accept that your girl will be snooping. I remember thinking like I got to find a...

This is before my wife, just in general. Like, I got to find a girl who, like, trusts me so much, and we're so cool with each other, that there's just no... There's no snooping. It's just, I mean, it's just not going to happen. If it's not happening, then they don't care. That's a great point.

If a girl's not snooping on you, break up with her. Right. That's a ridiculous thing, but it's kind of true. Yeah. It will lead you to you two breaking up eventually. Right. But at least you'll have a passionate relationship in the time being. If they don't care to violate your trust, it ain't worth it.

No. And I honestly kind of believe that. I mean, don't get me wrong. If we could live in a world where, in a perfect world, it would be great. But in this imperfect world we live in, I'd rather choose you care so much. Dude, I've had girlfriends who didn't snoop before.

It's like, what do you care? We were great friends. Yeah. But we didn't have that. Well, and again, you're talking to two highly dysfunctional people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's probably people out there who are super happy. Like, no, we just trust each other. Fucking weirdos. For all you listeners out there at home,

the real KFC radio fans, you're probably on the same page as us uh it's just a thing that you need to accept that all girls will be doing they will snoop they will like connive they will and it's and it's really out of uh probably a love and an insecurity thing that you feel like you want i mean if i i've come from such a place of like we were so insecure and so on the wrong page and barstool presented so many problems and obviously infidelity and all that shit i don't even think i could have a normal one after this no i'd be like i'd be like wait a minute i went out for the night i went away on business and like you don't you don't care you're okay with this wait what no let me tell you what I did.

I would be leaving my phone out like a trap. I'd have it like under a box with a stick, like my phone, and like a Starbucks latte. Luring them in. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Lisa. You're going to take your Tinder date home and watch The Shining. You want to do it on a comfortable bed do it on a lisa mattress they're the most comfortable and easy uh affordable mattress in the game we were talking the other day about the uh the conspiracy theory that mattress firm is a drug front yes yes wait we were talking about that i was talking about on the radio okay i was gonna say i think i've read about it but yeah i mean

it's a very prevalent conspiracy theory that's floating around the denver airport why are we talking on the radio that's so weird that i just read about it well coley blogged the the denver airport recently and then we were talking about that uh the denver airport is a like a freemason illuminati government special it's oh really oh okay let's talk about that real quick the denver airport is uh it's like twice the size of manhattan i knew it's enormous yeah it has it has multiple levels like the they they built the original carousel was like three levels below ground and before like day one they were like oh we it's broken it's not working and they sealed it off and so

there's like multiple levels multiple levels beneath ground level that have, like, never been used, but can house, like, zillions of square feet of shit. There's the giant bronco statue outside. So they have, like, this 20-foot blue bronco statue that is just the scariest thing you've ever seen in the world. It also killed the sculptor. It fell and decapitated the sculptor.

So there's just weird things that happen with that. There's a giant mural of a Nazi skeleton with one of those big curved swords, and he's slicing up a child. What? And it's just like a mural on the wall. You're walking to your gate, and there's just this Nazi mural. There's also something like...

A Nazi skeleton? Yep something like apparently it was like Nazi skeleton. Yep. And apparently it was like built. It was commissioned by like, let's just say like it's the the end, the N.C.T.P. like group that just doesn't exist. Like if you do research on that, it just is not real. It's it's way too far away from the city. Like, you know, most airports like a little bit removed.

It's like 50 miles away. It's in the middle of nowhere. It's not that I've flown into the airport. It's not that far away from the city. Most airports are a little bit removed. It's like 50 miles away. It's in the middle of nowhere. I've flown into the airport before. It's not that high traffic. It's not like you need to be that big. There's the Nazis, the Freemason. There's all sorts of symbols and things like that. People think that there's some alien stuff going on. There's a lot to be said about it.

There are three stories underground? Something like that. That's the crazy part. That have never been used. I'm fine with Nazi skeletons. The three stories underground is very, very good. I think there was some talk about maybe some nuclear shit going on. That's why it needs to be that far beneath.

Makes sense. We're going to do a KFC Radio conspiracy theories episode. Yes. We're going to break down our favorites. We're going to come up with a couple of our own. Be on the lookout for that. We're going to go from everything from aliens at Denver airport to Lil' Kim's cum belly. Oh, yeah.

That's a perfect tagline. From the aliens at the airport to Lil' Kim's cum belly. The KSC Radio Conspiracy Theories episode. But the other one is that mattress firm is a drug front because there's like millions of storefronts all over the place. But nobody's ever walking into a mattress firm and buying it. So they just need to launder the money. And, uh, my point being, don't go to a mattress firm for a mattress. You go to a mattress firm for your drugs. Go to Lisa to get yourself a mattress. Don't, don't, don't, you don't want that blood money. You don't want to support that drug money. You want to get a real affordable mattress. Go to

Lisa. They have the memory foam mixed with the materials that are... I see what Leesa did. It's fucking dope as shit. Yeah, I mean, I have a king size and a twin size. So I got it all. The twin starts at $525, and you get $160 off when you go to leesa.com slash barstool. So you get that for like $300. I got the king

size. It's huge. So we all here at Barstool sleep on them. You should too. Go to leesa, L-E-E-S-A all here at Barstool sleep on them. You should too. Go to lisa.com slash Barstool for 160 bucks off your mattress. Last one. I'll give you a couple, uh, I'll give you some, some, some choices. Alien sports draft, tipping in the bathroom, time limit for asking for stuff back. Time limit for asking for stuff back. Nah, man. Hey, fellas. So me and my girlfriend of about a year and a half just recently broke up about four months ago.

And a few days after, she texted me saying, I've got all your shit packed up whenever you want to come get it. And I was like, all right, whatever. And I never went around and, like, collected her stuff or anything super important that she left. She'd come over, you know, whenever she wanted to get it if she really wanted it. So within the last four months, starting at about the month and a half mark, I've been getting random texts about, like, hey, did I leave that there? Do you have this in mind? Which is never, you know, we're talking little stuff like,

I'm sure she left when she stayed the night one time. Or as of recently, a board game she won at a white elephant party we went to last Christmas. So my question is, is there like a deadline for asking for your stuff back? You know, does it vary with importance? All right, so we got this guy. He was dating for a year and a half. They broke up. She put together all of his stuff and was like, come get it.

He did not do that for her. I probably wouldn't do that either, to be honest. Fuck no shot am I doing that for you. But so the flip side is now, you know, for about four months now, every time something pops up, she's like, hey, did I leave that at your place? Did I leave this at your place? Everything from like clothes down to like a board game down to, something she won at a Secret Santa at her office. So this girl, every time she thinks of something, she wants it back. She's texting.

Is there a time limit on that? Yeah, like a week. I was going to say, like, there's the breakup. I'll say this. You break up, I say, like, there's the breakup. I'll say this. You break up, I think, like, within 24 hours. You don't have to say it right there on the spot, but I think you've got to be like, I'm going to come get my shit or I want these specific things.

And then if there's any period of time where it's like we are now broken up and you are just living your life separately, those things now belong to that other person. Those are gone. That's it. Those are gone. That's in God's hands now. Yeah.

You have, the only reason I say a week is because my last breakup we had, she packed up all my stuff and then had a Postmates guy deliver it to me. Oh, wow. But it was like, I was going to go. She really didn't want any contact, huh? I was going to go pick it up, but like, we like, our schedules were getting crossed a lot. Right.

And she was eventually like, I'll just have a post, I'll have like a runner or favor or whatever. One of those. Yeah, yeah, like, our schedules were getting crossed a lot. Right. And she was eventually like, I'll just have a post. I'll have, like, a runner, a favor, one of those things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just have it bring it to you. I felt so fucking awful for that guy. It was, like, a lot of shit. I was basically living there. He moved an apartment.

Wow. For, like, $6. Yeah, usually it's, like, bring's like bring this document to this other office. This is like take all my idiot ex-boyfriend's shit over to his house. And that took a week. So that's why a week was my first thing. This feels like a much more like a girl problem. Like I can't think of anything that I would expect to get back.

Once there's a breakup, that's it. It's like, well, I shouldn't have had, I blame myself. I shouldn't have had all of my special belongings with this person who clearly doesn't even want to see me again. Short of if I leave a Rolex at your house, I'm like, I got to get it back. The rest of it, like your favorite hoodie, the cliche, that's it. It belongs to you now. I have a very few articles of clothing that i would be like i need that back i'm sorry like i have to have that i in fact i have one i have no it wouldn't be easy i have

i have one t-shirt that has a lot of sentimental value and that's the only thing in the world i would be like i need that back in fact during that situation i was like i was like can you just make sure i have that no that t-shirt What are you doing even leaving that out of your place, bud? I told you I was living there. Yeah. Fact. I just, to me, you got to understand, like, these are social risks that you take. You're going to, like, commit to someone and leave your shit there,

and there's a chance that they pull the rug out from under you or you pull the rug out from them, and then they might throw your shit out, they might burn it, or they simply might just keep it, and you don't have any right to have that anymore. I mean, I can't even imagine. Like, hey, did I leave, like, my fucking, I don't know, work bag there? I also would just be like, no. No.

I wouldn't reply. Yeah, right, right. I would not even entertain it. Like, let me look for you. You want to come by and get it? I would just say no. I could be looking right at the fucking thing. I'd be like, nah, I don't have it.

Tell your new boyfriend to buy you one. Fucking A, man. That's crazy. There is a time limit, and it's a week. That's fine. That's it. The official stamp of KC Radio, you have one week to get your shit from your ex, and that's it. All right, let's get into TJ Miller.

Buckle up, folks. TJ Miller, you know him from Silicon Valley, Deadpool, a host of other appearances. One of the biggest stars in Hollywood. He's had his scandals and his run-ins, and he is a trip, man. He is something. And I'll tell you this. Very nice fellow. To you.

To me. Maybe not to some others. So here's what we do. I said everything on how you talked to me personally. He was fine to me. We will present this to you, and you can decide what you think about TJ Miller. This is brought to you by Teeter. Your boy KFC has had fusion in his neck.

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baby. Teeter is on the hot seat because Teeter has guaranteed Matty Brown that this will fix my back. Wow. It will fix my spasms. So I've done it twice now. Felt very good both times. It does. But we're...

The G word is a big deal. We're waiting to see if it's going to fix my back. I haven't had one. I haven't had it yet. So we'll see. It's also a testament to how diesel the hardware is that can hang your fat ass upside down. Go to teeter.com slash KFC.

That's T-E-E-T-E-R.com slash KFC. And you can get a $500 decompression table, inversion table, for $349. So you get $150 off, and you get a 60-day money-back guarantee if you don't like it. Go to Teeter.com slash KFC. $150 discount on the device that is going to save your life and save your back. I woke up and like basically I slept in this outfit but I bought

this stupid shirt because of my wife Kate. Donnie, do my check real quick. Check one two. She really wants me to do more yoga like a fucking weird LA woman would. Hot yoga, like where they turn the room up to 100 degrees? There's nothing hot about yoga, first of all.

But no, no, we do, like, I don't know, restoration yoga. She's also a weird chanting Buddhist. A chanting Buddhist? Yeah. What does that entail? She's into it. I mean, it's the SGI, so they all get together and they're like, Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, nam-myoho-renge-kyo, She's into it. I mean, it's the SGI, so they all get together and they're like,

Nam-myo-renge-kyo, Nam-myo-renge-kyo, Nye-ma-ngi-ha-ra-yang-wang-ye, Mung-wa-na-ra-yang-yang-kyo-ng-kong-ka-yang-wa. And then in the morning a lot of times, she does it in the morning and at night, and she'll be like, do you want to chant with me? I'm like, no. It's just so weird to me.

But I'm a juggler, so we tolerate each other's idiosyncrasies. But, yeah, so I brought this because I do like whiskey, and I'd like her to be accepting that yoga and whiskey can be a part of a lifestyle culture together. Does yoga help when you're, like, brutally hungover after a night on the whiskey? Does yoga help cleanse your system? I think the thing that—you know what? I was talking to somebody about this the other day. None of us need to get hangovers anymore.

None of us. And we all know how not to, and none of us do it. Hair of the dog. You're supposed to drink. Hair of the dog helps. I'm getting in on that tomato juice in a second. Who knows what else is going to be in it? Cucumber salt.

And so I think it's weird that we all know that if you drink a glass of water in between each drink, then you don't get hungover. It's just true. I mean, it's true, but it's- No, no, it's very true but it's true but it's very very true but who the fuck after three or four drinks is like time for my water ratio to be evened out like no you just dive right into the next four drinks so i think that's that's the funny thing about adults is and then if you wake up you just have to drink as much water as possible that's all hangovers and yes if you have a hair of the dog cocktail in the morning, that's not horrible. If you're mixing in that much water, though, this might not be a problem you have.

Sometimes I wet the bed as a grown man. I wake up not hungover, but I wake up covered in my own piss. I do that without alcohol being involved. Okay. No, actually what I did was, and this was in a sanctioned area. No, a story from a long time ago was I don't wet the bed, but I have a tendency when I urinate, if I'm in shorts, and I have to urinate, it's not as much embarrassing as just awe-striking to Kate that I will just sort of,

she says I pull some gum out of my pants and then I urinate into the street. And then we have an argument about whether or not I have to get my shoes dry cleaned or something. I usually drop a knee when I do that. Do you? Yeah, just to avoid the shoe situation. I only do that during the national anthem. No, I'm excited like we were looking to hook this up for a little while i think in anticipation of ready player one the steven spielberg oh yeah i

did but more you know most recently i think most people are talking about is deadpool 2 did you guys see that i have not seen devil 2 i'm not gonna lie to you i'm fascinated did you see it yeah i saw it. Nice. What did you think? Loved it. Great. That's fantastic.

I mean, no one disliked it, right? I mean, it's a very well-reviewed movie. But I think, you know, if you're in something, you're kind of, especially a sequel, you're like, this better not be much worse than the first one. So you don't even want it to be better. You just want it to live up. Like, there's no second movies that are better except for Godfather 2 and Dude, Where's My Car Again. The Dark Knight. The Dark Knight was better than Batman Begins.

Was that a sequel or was that sort of part of a trilogy? That could be argued. But I think you're right. In terms of a series, that second one is much better than Batman. Yeah, you just don't want the second one to ruin the first one. Exactly. See, I totally disagree with that. With The Hangover 2, some people are like,

oh, The Hangover was so good. Hangover 2 kind of like... Yeah, they were like, it's the same movie in a different place, right? I don't think a sequel can be bad, but I don't think you can ever ruin the first. The first is always good no matter what. I'm going to side with him on this one.

I think sometimes you see a second one and you're like, why did you do that? Yeah. You know who, you know what people have said that about that I haven't even seen yet. Cause it's kind of depresses me. So I was in Cloverfield and then, uh,

Cloverfield lane, my buddy, John, uh, I call him John Garfield jr. Uh, but J G J was the guy in Cloverfield Lane with John Goodman. It was just the three of them.

And he's in Underwater, this movie that I just did with Kristen Stewart. It's coming out maybe in the winter, maybe in the fall. We're not sure. But he was in Cloverfield Lane. I was in Cloverfield. And then they had that Cloverfield Paradox movie. Yeah, which went straight to Netflix.

And people hated that so much and said it was like a bad episode of Black Mirror. Exactly. Did you see that? Yeah, I did see that. And so a lot of people have said like that kind of ruined the franchise. Like they don't want to see any more Cloverfield stuff. And it's not. Let me put it this way.

It definitely didn't drive you to be like, I should go see the first Cloverfield. Well, I did see the first one in theaters. That was incredible. It's incredible. But I'm saying after seeing the Cloverfield Paradox, then you're not like, I should go back and check out Cloverfield. You know what I mean? No, not at all.

Whereas if I was to catch, we did. We saw Godfather 3 was playing at a bar that we went to that was trying to be super Italian and fucking Port Charlotte, Michigan, Florida. And it's an Italian steakhouse comedy club. And they would just play Godfathers on repeat. And I said, the third one,

I was like, I should go back and watch those three in a row. That's what you want. That's what I would like from Deadpool. And I think, I don't think they'll do a Deadpool three. No. Would you be down though?

If they know, if you get the car not really i mean i'm contractually obliged to be but there were so many um characters in this one that it's almost like nobody really got a ton of screen time and then the people that did like zazie beats and brolin and the kid it made sense but for a lot of other people, I was like, Blind Al is such a funny part of this whole world. And she's in like one scene or something or a scene and a half. She's very. And she's hysterical. Leslie Ogham.

She's hilarious. And so but I think as I was telling Kate, like, I would be very, very happy for them, you for them to bring me back for a third one, of course. But if it's not as nice as one would think on any of this stuff. Everybody thinks you make so much. You make union wages, which is a very good living. But for a movie, unless you're selling tickets, you make the same that another actor would make on an independent film or something like transformers i got for transformers i got paid the same amount that i would have gotten paid for like little miss sunshine or something like that which again

not complaining but deadpool especially voiceover you know everyone's like oh the emoji movie you did that for a check voiceover you make no money the only money is on bonuses and they don't start the bonuses until much later which is smart of them because they're like if it's a huge hit you're really going to get paid but if it's not a huge hit and it just does well you're lucky to be in it it's sort of their perspective

of it but I think you know there's dangers of Deadpool 3 just like there would be a danger and sort of you know being in How dangers of Deadpool three, just like there would be a danger and sort of, you know, being in how to train your dragon three. It's like, those are both decisions that involve not only like they involve in part,

like, do I want to be in what I know is going to be a film that is, uh, inferior to the previous two. Yeah. Cause the third installment of something is almost never the best. Except for Toy Story 3, I guess. That was a solid one.

Oh, you know what, though? But that would be the one that you would say, because even Godfather 3 I don't think is better than the other ones. But you're right. Toy Story 3 is really in that category. But that's how hard it is to get to that point. And I think in a weird way now audiences, it's not like they used to say that like audiences are having sequelitis or

they don't want to hear another sequel. They don't, they don't want to see another sequel. And that wasn't true. People are happy to see sequels, but now culture is moving so quickly that I think lots of people are like, wait, they're making another one of those. Like that's not the case with Deadpool. But that really happened with Solo. I talked to somebody and this was really interesting.

I thought, so I had seen The Last Jedi but not in theaters. So I saw it on a plane or something. And then I was talking to somebody and I was like, I might go see Solo just because I love that story. I love Chewbacca. I love the idea of everything involved in that except for Donald Glover and just the whole thing sounded like... You're not a Donald Glover guy? I was going to be not a Donald Glover guy. You're like the only person

in the world who's not. I know. That's okay. That's okay. You used to make rap music as well, right? You used to make some hip hop? That's part of it. I made it as a joke. So I made this fake folk hip hop pop album. It was an EP that was 41 tracks. Some of the tracks were less than six seconds long.

But it is a full-on album. And I do rap and sing and do all this stuff in it. But it was a joke. It was a satire on... I now sell the CDs on the road for $40 cash. That's real. Because I don't know how one would play them. There's nothing in this room that could play a CD right now,

and we have all the high-tech equipment. But I feel as though it's stupid for a celebrity to go into a different medium that they don't belong in just because they're a celebrity, a.k.a. the president of the United States. You know, just to go from like building casinos to being a reality television person, then to being the president, I'm like, that's inappropriate. Just because you're famous doesn't mean you're talented. So what the joke of that was, was I did the extended play EP, it's called, available on iTunes right now. And then I gave it to Illegal Art, which was a very famous underground record label that produced Girl Talk.

You know, Girl Talk. Gave all that shit away for free. Yeah, and Steinsky. And Illegal Art did that. Anything that they sampled, they couldn't use, they would give shit away for free. Yeah, and Steinsky. And Illegal Art did that. Anything that they sampled, they couldn't use, they would give it away for free. Or they just straight up would use Illegal Samples and be like, find them. See if you can find them. I'm positive you can't find the copyright.

I bet you anything you don't know. And that's more like the Brand Flakes was one of their bands, and they are amazing. But they use old Christian records and really strange shit. they're super dope you should check them out but steinsky is like the beastie boys consider steinsky and africa bambada two of their biggest influences so steinsky was on there and he became a friend because illegal art everybody not everybody like girl talk didn't but like everybody in the label for the most part remixed one of my tracks or, and then Steinsky took the entire album and condensed it into one 20 minute EP.

And the point of that was the whole joke is like, I'm famous so I can make a hip hop pop folk album. That's not that great. Um, and, but it will still and but it will still but it will still get made and then but if i give that material to real musicians it's actually a great album so that's a separate album called uh the extended play ep the illegal art remix tape and it's a better album so it's a very there's a lot of meta aspects to that joke and it has yet to pay off i'm waiting for about two more years before people really get the joke in the meantime i'll sell it for 40

dollars it's a relic and um but you know donald glover i asked him because he was rapping and we just had this you know there's no beef or anything but we had this misunderstanding where i was like you're like joke rapping also. Like Lil Dicky. Lil Dicky has a funny song where in the beginning of it somebody recognizes him at a Chinese food restaurant in LA that's super famous and they're like, he's a rapper.

He's not like a good rapper. He's like a fake rapper. He's like a funny rapper. And that's not how he wants to be known. No, I mean, I think he's a real rapper who's just a funny guy. Because he's a very good rapper. I didn't love his appearance on Wildin' Out, but I doubt he loved my appearance on Lip Sync Battle. So I think we're even Stevens there. But I think he's a very, very talented rapper, but he doesn't take himself seriously.

So I approached Donald Glover and found out that is the exact opposite with him. He takes himself incredibly seriously. His music is very important. He really did believe in his heart of hearts that he is a rapper. And now he has proven to be one. And he has a huge fan base. At the time, I thought it was ridiculous that this dude from Community was taking himself seriously as a rapper

and calling himself Childish Gambino. That's a strange thing. None of that connected for me. And so starting there, I just was like my thing is anybody that takes themselves seriously, I have a real tough time with them. I like that. That's strong. I just have a very tough time with them.

And it doesn't matter. That's why I'm not friends with most actors is they all take themselves seriously. That's why I get along better with stand-up comics because none of them do. Would you ever take a serious role? Between what? Would you ever take a serious role? Between what? Would you ever take a serious role in like a show or something or just that's not your lane? I mean, I feel like there's other people.

I like that. That's not my lane. I'm going to stay out of that lane. No, I mean, I think, you know, people ask me that a fair amount, and it's only because the like – oh, hi. Sorry, I just now figured out how to use a microphone. So I couldn't hear myself. I was like, why am I talking and I sound so muted? Well, I had headphones on without sound coming through them.

Okay, great. Oh, my God. So this next movie that I'm in, Underwater, is a thriller. So it's like Cloverfield. But like Cloverfield, I am funny. Yes. And so the idea is I will take a role in a movie that is a genre that is not just straight-up comedy. But I don't want to do anything with

comedy because that's what i've worked on my entire life so underwater is this very it's like alien meets uh the abyss that james that sounds incredible i think it's gonna be a fucking amazing movie vincent castel the coolest man in all of france who played the director in the ballet in black swan he's in it and then krris and stewart in it who's super dope but keeps you know we keep texting each other and then not checking our phones and then where is this film being filmed do you actually film it it's done we filmed it in atlanta are you underwater some of the time we were underwater for reals and it was real real weird i wore one of those scuba suits that you it's not a mouthpiece it's a whole suit where your head

is in this air yeah and that shit is scary as fuck and then we had to wear these gigantic suits and the director is a nice guy will eubank he he lied to all of us and he told me he's like you're gonna be wearing these suits but they're like made out of plastic so there's gonna be like 15 25 pounds and me being a gigantic dude. I was like, okay, yeah, that's not a problem. My suit weighed 115 pounds.

So when I was walking and working on that movie, I was carrying two 60 pound weights essentially during the entire thing. And Kristen's suit weighed, this is real. Kristen's suit weighed almost twice what she weighed or whatever or no almost no more than half of what she weighed so it's like she was putting another one of her on it yeah actually almost as much as she weighed exactly and because she's a little thing you know so um but you know with the movie when we were underwater was very scary because you can't get out of the suits and in certain parts you're almost drowning.

That's part of the movie. A small price to pay. Yeah, right. To have a great thriller that might not work if it comes out in late October. No, but I – and that's an example of like Deadpool, I'm much quicker to – I'm just much quicker to take something or do something that hasn't been done before. Like Deadpool was the first R-rated superhero movie. So I was like, okay, I'll do that. Whereas if they came to me and they were like, do you want to be in Infinity War as Avenger, as like the Falcon Man or something?

I'd be like no and I definitely am not a person who's going guys when will people take me seriously like Jim Carrey kind of did that where and I just don't need to be the guy who's like and now watch me in this quiet quiet like

you know period drama or something I don't want to do that but I would like to do you know Underwater is an original script and i hadn't worked with is you know i took transformers four because i was like all right they're rebooting it mark walberg is somebody that i always like watching and i was like it would be different for me to be in a michael bay movie that'll just look different than other Michael Bay movies. And that was the case. Whereas, for instance,

Jason Sudeikis was in Michael Bay's War film and he was serious in that. I would not have taken that role. Sudeikis, which one? What was the name of the... or it's Krasinski. John Krasinski.

I can't believe I messed that up. 13 hours. Zydankis, which one? What was the name of the, or it's Krasinski. John Krasinski. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. I can't believe I messed that up. 13 hours. He looked very similar. I couldn't take him seriously in that, really. And that's the tough thing. The other thing is I've cultivated for years looking like a ding-a-ling, ding-dong guy.

Like, I'm supposed to be your toddler-bodied best friend, and then you want me to, like, hold a machine gun and be like, Everybody out! Clear! Clear! Next room! Clear! All clear! Nobody cares. That one was particularly weird because it was both Jim from The Office

and what was Pam's first? Pam's first boyfriend was in there too. Rashida Jones? No. I don't know the name of that actor. They were both like that's my big that's my big joke right now actually uh and this is a good time to plug I'm gonna be in Levittown uh at Governor's Comedy Club tonight for two shows and tomorrow night for two shows so Friday the 13th which it is today

guys be careful tonight yeah be careful out there tonight everybody listening be careful out there tonight I've been drinking since 11am I probably won't be out tonight my Friday the 13th it got so scary around sunset I think I don't remember it so I'm playing this is the first time I've played Long Island cause I'm a New Yorker

now I live in Greenwich Village. All right. Which is fantastic, because I cannot stay in Los Angeles, California. It's a strip mall, a giant strip mall of broken and crumbling dreams, and the crumbling dreams aren't even half off, you know? And so I'm loving New York, and like, Governor's is supposed to be a great club, so I'm playing two shows there tonight.

I perform there. Two shows tomorrow. What do you think? No, it's a really cool club. Is it great? They say that the venue's like really cool. It be a great club? So I'm playing two shows there tonight. I perform there. Two shows tomorrow. What do you think? No, it's a really cool club. Is it great? They say that the venue is like really cool. It's a nice club. You'll have a lot more people there.

Is it in a strip mall type of deal? Or is it freestanding? It's in the middle of Long Island. Like it's not a very scenic area, but the club itself, once you get inside. That's what I heard. Is that from the outside, you're kind of like, yikes. Are they selling?

Is there human smuggling going on in there? Yeah. And then you go in there and it's supposed to be great so that that's really good but part of what i talk about in my act right now is sort of what just happened with us which is where now there's so much content i call them streaming conversations you we've all had one of these conversations recently oh man i just finished narcos did you see the last season? No, no, no, no, no, no, but I, I, have you seen the OJ Simpson documentary? Yeah.

Yeah. The one on FX. No, no, no, no. The one on ESPN. No,

but I heard that's amazing. Have you seen the FX one? No, but I, I'm definitely going to watch that, but you've been watching Schitt's Creek, right? Is that the one on Netflix?

Yeah, absolutely. I can't wait for snowfall. What's that on? I don't know. Yeah. And then that's the end of the, what the fuck are we

talking about like we haven't seen anything that the other people have seen so we're having these conversations where we're basically giving people assignments and feeling bad that we haven't seen the things that they've seen to be able to connect with them and then walking away being like well it was nice not talking to you and then i also reading you an imdb page right exactly exactly it's nice helping you with your netflix queue and then i think reading you an imdb page right exactly exactly it's nice helping you with your netflix queue and then i think everyone's disappointed in netflix now because it's really straight up become a drug dealer like it really is first of all why why are the previews happening as soon as you select something the preview comes on as if it's like you want a little of this come

on come here come here you can smell it here you smell it why don't you want a little of this? Come on. Come here. Come here. You can smell it. You smell it? Why don't you take a little toke? And then the biggest disappointment in why it's absolutely a drug dealer is that with the end of watching something, you can be binging Narcos, for instance, for just hours on end. And then you're done and you're like, oh, my God, that was amazing. I'm finished. And Netflix is like, and now you'll be watching this next thing

in five four three and you're like where's gotta turn it off two one boom you know you're back into it all right fuck it yeah exactly i mean you would not tolerate a real drug dealer like that you would not you would not you would not go to a drug dealer's house and the drug dealer's like hey you want to stay and smoke a joint? And you're like, yeah, because I'm obligated to. And then you finish and you're like, all right, well, this is done. It's all out. And your drug dealer's like, okay, cool.

You'll be doing cocaine in five, four, three. Like that just – so I'm feeling like there's so much content now people are getting fatigued by it. So I talk about that i talk about social media and screens in general just kind of like ruining our day like not ruining society and it's destroying us from the inside out just like from person to person it's so rare that you get off instagram and you're like ah now onward and upward to the day like you just don't do that you just look at it like you're not, what I've been saying is, like, the phones become, like, I call it, like, my thumb treadmill. Because, like, I'm not even, like, when I'm going through Twitter, I'm not reading anything. I'm just scrolling.

Yeah, you're not. You're just getting arthritis earlier. Right. Instagram stories, I'm just tapping. I'm not actually looking at your fucking pictures. I'm not listening to your fucking videos. And I'm kind of, the Instagram story, you start to have this weird thing where you're're watching somebody like, did you really need to spend this much time on that shot? Like, what the fuck is that about?

Now we're kind of like, I learned how to edit. Why don't you? Or like, be more selective about your post. So it's become something that is much more about getting on there and criticizing it. People are starting to not go on Twitter because of what you're saying. But also, it's just screaming into a vacuum. Like once you do learn, once you do stop, the reason you're not reading stuff is because every third thing is like, I can't believe this is happening. They're putting babies in cages.

And then the next thing is like, whoa, just had a burrito so big. I farted so hard. My fucking bar stool fell out from underneath my goddamn ass. And then the next one is like you know supreme court justice and that's depressing like the amount of content the amount of news we get is like legitimately depressing it's like all depressing the amount of people that can just tweet about politics for like eight hours straight is insane but also it's like it's also like it's just like it's sad and it's like it's like I shouldn't know as much as I know.

That's why people are tuning out is because they're like there's nothing to be done until I can vote. So in the meantime, why am I allowing these clickbait motherfuckers to just draw me in more and more and more? Even Vanity Fair, which I used to read because I thought that they were funny and smart and had a good take on stuff. Now they're joining the clickbait legion, which is just all these people being like, it's just so many people. The language on the internet is just like, Jeff Zuckerberg drags Congress. So-and-so slams,

Kathy Griffin face fucks the idea of Anderson Cooper. It's just all so mean. But hasn't it always been that way? Not dragged and burned and slammed. No, but it's been different words. Newspaper headlines have always been their goal all the time, right? Yeah. That's kind of how I try to read it. I agree with you.

But now there's so much that it has to be a worse and worse. It has to sound worse and worse and worse. It has to sound like, you know, it just sounds like totally destroys. So, you know, Kevin Hart murders, you know, Elizabeth Warren on, you know, whatever it is. Seth Meyers eats the heart alive of so-and-so congressman. There was a headline about you. It was like the epic self-destruction

of T.J. Miller. By the way, thank you. Thank you, Page Six. I know. And Kate and I talk about that a lot. It's like Page Six survives only on that. On being like like and even when they'll report things nicely they have to like kind of be mean because that's their brand yeah

they're just going for clicks and it is i mean you know that was the other thing i'm getting a lot of good response nationwide sort of talking about how i'm i'm disappointed in hollywood and and having a tough time with hypocrisy there but i I'm also, you know, I'm disappointed with the amount of content there is, and I'm obviously a part of that problem, and so are you guys. Oh, without a doubt. But I also talk about just, like, the good content because there's just so much that that's the only way to parse yourself out from the crowd is to be the meanest, to have the headline that is the most sort of clickbaity.

And because there's so much of it, that's what I think is happening. People are starting to be like, what is the point of media? Like, why am I going on Facebook right now? And so I think people are becoming more selective. And then I think eventually, you know, Facebook, let's just go all in and only be online. No, let's let's let's be the nice ones. Ready player one sign. Let's be the nice ones.

I'll write a headline about you and I'll be like, TJ Miller has a. Nicest fella. Yeah, during the renaissance of his life right now. Yeah, yeah. See, no one would click on that. They'd be like, well, my life sucks. That's why people click on stuff and why you want to and why people delve into the hatred of the internet is that makes me feel better about myself. So you don't want to read a headline that – nobody wants to read a headline that's like Beyonce and Jay-Z are doing A-OK.

That's it. It has to be all the trash rags and, you know, grocery stores are like, Jen is so pleased with the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Look at her happy face. She's celebrating with coffee and walking her dog. Like, I know Jen Aniston. I talked to her. She's like, that was so disgusting when people were like, well, are you happy he's getting divorced? She's like, I'm not happy anyone's getting divorced. I'm not happy for other people's unhappiness.

So it's weird where we get these kind of the middlemen between the truth and us as an audience are kind of like manipulating it in a way that is just trying to make it meaner and more angry and more whatever. So it's a strange time. But it's a good time to be doing stand-up instead of um i don't know i just i haven't like what's the best thing you guys have seen in the theater recently movie-wise i didn't much care for uh infinity war i'll say that a lot

of people i enjoyed that but that was the first it was 3d imax movie i've seen in like five years thor ring gorgon and akadaka i like that yeah yeah i hear that's really really good i saw that on netflix i like it's pretty much this is kind of awkward because we talked about krasinski earlier but like i really like the quiet place i thought quiet place oh quiet place is great you're right that's a great one and then what i saw and i'm trying to really plug in addition to my dates at levittown Governor's Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow, 7.30 and 9.30 and 10 and 11 a.m. and 4 p.m., is Won't You Be My Neighbor, the Mr. Rogers documentary. Oh, right, right, right, right.

And I got to say, we saw it yesterday morning, and then Kate and I, as soon as we got out of the movie theater, we turned to each other and we're like, do you want to see this again tonight? And we went back last night and saw it. And it's so good and makes you feel so good. And there's nothing that makes you feel good right now. So I'm telling everybody, like, see it immediately.

It's great. You expect Mr. Rogers to, like, have a headline being, like, he used to touch kids at one point. But, like, no, he's got no skeletons in his closet. He's just a genuinely great guy. Rollins College grad. When you watch the documentary, you see that he is. He's almost like Jesus Christ. It's so strange.

And then Kate and I were the exact same age. I'm 14. No, no, no. 11 days older than her. And so everything in our life happened to us at the same time. So Mr. Rogers, we watched it exactly at the same time in our lives. And it's a strange thing. You know, we used to watch all the other cartoons also, but that he is a big part of.

And then you find out that later his acceptance of gays and, you know, things like white people and black people swimming in the same pool. Yeah, that was a big thing. All of his acceptance of that led to, at his funeral, there were parents with children being like, Mr. Rogers dies, God laughs, like God hates fags, so God hates Mr. Rogers. No way. Mr. Rogers is the devil and he'll see you in hell.

It's Satan saying, won't you be my neighbor? Like the Westboro Baptist Church of G.E. whenever he died. and he's see you in hell. Once you know, it's Satan saying, won't you be my neighbor? Like, like, like the Westboro, Westboro Baptist Church. Whenever, right. Exactly.

Just the craziest, meanest, fucking everything. And, um, and that just goes to show you like, you can even be Mr. Rogers and you've got haters. Like that's insane.

That's so crazy. That's like people being like, man, fuck Patch Adams. Ronald McDonald House can suck my dick. Ridiculous. My favorite Mr. Rogers fact was he read all his fan mail. And one time a blind girl emailed him, or not emailed him, wrote him a letter. And said that, you know, I noticed you talking about your fish fish but i've never heard you say you're feeding the fish are they okay

and so at the end of every show he started going and now i'm feeding the fish wow just because that one letter that's it's moving he he also um there's a bunch of stuff like that i mean you gotta you should just see the movie if anyone hasn't seen it but there's a bunch of things like that where he had this new i'll spill this one because i didn't get to see it and kate told me and then i saw the movie and i was like whoa that's amazing because i had to leave to speak with my psychiatrist to make sure that i continue to be sane to be in my renaissance period as you're saying yes um but But what's the, oh, 143. So he thought that was a very special numerical sequence, 143. And it's because the word I has only one letter.

I love you. Love has four letters and you has three letters. So 143 is I love you. Love has four letters and you has three letters. So one, four, three is I love you. And this is real. Really? Is that a common thing? Every girl puts that in there. That was in the AIM phase.

The AIM with AOL Instant Messenger. They would all have that in their away message. Well, here's how far Mr. Rogers took it. He weighed 143 pounds his entire life. That's a little obsessive compulsive. He swam every day. Not when he was a kid. When he was a kid, he was fat.

They used to call him Fat Freddy. So that was a big part of, yeah, I mean, even us laughing right now, that's the reason we have Mr. Rogers. But when he was like an adult and swimming he straight up always weighed 143 pounds isn't that amazing no never 144 never 142 yeah just 143 and seems very obsessive compulsive it is but it's when you watch the movie you're no, it's an example of his discipline and he's devoted. He was devoted like a minister or a Christ-like figure to children. And he single-handedly, you've got to see the movie for when he saves PBS.

He does it just by himself by appealing to the child and this horrible congressman. And it's so fucking cool to watch so it's like definitely even if you even if you didn't grow up like watching Mr. Rogers it's just an incredible documentary so that one A Quiet Place but notice that we're not talking about

comedies and that when we're talking about these superhero movies you know neither of you like you gotta see Thor like you're like, no, it's very comedic, I liked it. And then you're kind of like,

I hate to say it, but I hated Infinity Wars. It was fine. So I think people are getting fatigued. So I'm doing, the next thing I'm going to do, there go the headphones. The next thing I'm going to do is a,

I wrote this movie called Ex-Criminals, which is basically like Bonnie and Clyde like a bank robbing couple but they break up in the first scene and that to me is like an action comedy it's not based on previous material and

I just think it's more interesting to do something like that than take I've never been an actor I've always been a comedian who learned how to act so that i could get a wider platform to make people laugh a bigger audience yeah because life is ultimately tragic in every area of it and especially now it is the darkest times so um that's why i did that but right now i'm just feeling like a lot of and also a lot of what's on the development slate in Hollywood is not the greatest.

I mean, it's just, it's nothing. It's 10 more years of Marvel. It's 10 more years of Marvel, but in the comedy world, it is Beverly Hills Cop reboot. Oh, I didn't know that. Which would be awesome, but it's a lot of stuff like Zoolander 3. I mean, it's not going to be that, but it's just a lot of stuff, too, where it's like, okay, we all liked these comedians in these movies from the 80s, so I guess now they'll

do those again. So I have a theory that we've run out of culture, that we ran out of culture in the 80s, and then once we started learning to remix things and sample things, now everything is not derivative. I don't think we've run out of culture. We're afraid to take the risks now. Like we know like a remake or a sequel will at least make its money back or at least make some money. When it's a brand new concept idea, they're like nervous that it's going to just lose a bunch of money. It's not just with movies.

It's also like tv shows are coming back and then the same thing like pop art for the most part is all still it looks like andy warhol and because my wife's a mixed media artist so i actually have a weird amount of experience in that world but it just it feels like there's kind of like, what is the new frontier? Like hip hop right now is not anything really different. And again, culture, the speed of it is so fast that it's like trap music was a thing. And then what happened to the trap music? I was joking with my doctor.

This is a sad version of what I just said, but I was joking with my doctor about how, and that's very New York thing. I found out that you're like friends with your doctor and stuff in Los Angeles. Is your doctor, you're a psychiatrist? No, I have a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a regular doctor, and a neurologist. I read that your mom's a psychologist.

My mom is also a psychologist. Somebody else yesterday was like, I read that your mom is a psychologist. Everybody knows my mom's a psychologist! My mom's a psychologist too. If you grow up in that world you think about things very differently yeah but also um very light you know you think about people's behavior much more than other people do there's so many people that their dad was like a clerk and their mom was a teacher or something like that and you're just like they're just

walking through their day i'm like looking at someone being like I can tell by their body posture that they've had a bad phone conversation perhaps I should go over and say hello and tell them about my comedy club routines that I'll be doing in Levittown you know most people don't think like that they're just like I wish I could ever get the fuck out of my way

I'm trying to get up to make my train so yeah I find that booze helps but it also can cause a lot of problems. It can do both. Yeah. I gain weight for parts and I cut weight for parts, and so I have long periods of not drinking and then periods of replacing water with beer to gain weight.

And all meals are pizza. All meals are pizza. So last year you were supposed to come on and do a pizza review? Yes. Not with one of us. It was with Dave, who's the founder of this company. He's not here, so I don't know if he'll be doing a pizza review. Which makes me sad, but I want to do a pizza review. In fact,

Roland and I are going to go get pizza after this. Okay, great. Because I'm a big pizza guy. My favorite place in town is Prince Street Pizza. Have you guys been there? Yeah. Oh, it's the Soho Square. It's worth it. It should be famous worldwide, and I'm trying to help it get there.

Because not like they need it. If you call and be like, sometimes I do it just to show people. I'll call them and on speakerphone be like, hey, do you guys deliver? And their answers are amazing. And so I was like, no. Like, we're busy. Fuck you. Stop it.

There are people in front of us that we need to give pizza to. We're not going to bring it to you. They got that fuck you pizza. Yeah, they got that fuck you pizza. What are your guys' favorite places? What's the best place right around the studio? I actually live in China, so I don't have a favorite spot around here. In Chinatown?

No, I live in Shanghai. I'm Barstool's foreign correspondent. Yeah, you are. You're in Shanghai. You're Barstool's very foreign correspondent. But I'm back for the summer. Oh, welcome back. Are you happy?

What's the culture shock like? Are there a lot of expats in, where are you, Beijing? I'm in Shanghai. Loads of expats. It gets so brutally hot there during the summer, though. I had to come back. That's hilarious when you're in New York and you're like, it's a billion degrees here.

How fucking hot is Shanghai? Only 115 with humidity, finally. So it gets super hot there. But that's what I heard is there's like so many Americans living there That there's a whole scene Yeah Where you just can run into Americans Oh yeah

There's bars You wouldn't know you're in China Yeah right Exactly That's what I heard Because I have a couple friends That live there But I've never been

I'm going to I'm going to be The TJ Miller foreign correspondent In November I'm going to Australia. And then in October, I'm doing Scandinavia. And, you know, that'll be really interesting. But then they were telling me, even I'm doing Oslo. And I was like, Oslo, Norway?

Would they want people, like, are people going to want to see an American comedian? And they're like, yeah, of course. They all speak English. And then they were like, you should do Hong Kong. And I was like. Hong Kong's incredible. Hong Kong, yeah. I guess they would speak English there, too.

And they're like, yeah. And they're like, and we also have a run that goes Shanghai, Beijing. I'll find you a gig. And then Dubai. And I was like, what? First of all, I will never perform in Dubai. They apparently, if you say something incorrect, they just cut off your dick, not even your hands.

But I would love to do... I've always wanted to go to Shanghai and Beijing. I can put you in touch with some clubs. They have a club in Vietnam that Americans go to. Yeah. So I just think that there's enough expats everywhere. DJ Miller, China tour coming soon. Coming soon.

Are you living there permanently? Yeah. I think the first week of September, I'll move back. But I mean, do you see yourself living there forever? As long as I can do summers back in the U.S., I could see myself being there for another five years. But that's not forever. I mean, you're not. I mean, I...

That's a good question. You've been there for what, six now? Yeah, I've already been there for six. Do you have a Chinese girlfriend? She's not Chinese. I have had a Chinese girlfriend. Right. Yeah.

But it's the only way that you would stay there permanently is if you met a nice Chinese girl and you said, I'm going to stay here with you. And her parents are like, you cannot take my one child back to America. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, but who knows? I mean, I'm not really thinking past two years in the future. I can tell by your Bloody Mary.

I got a week. I mean, two years in the future. I can tell by your Bloody Mary. I got a week. I mean, two years is impressive for me. Yeah, three months is really, that's my three-year plan. I got a three-month plan. But, yeah, I mean, I think, you know, it would be weird to live in another country completely. I lived in New Zealand for six months, which is nothing like spending a year or most of the year. So you went abroad there? That's where I went abroad. No, I filmed

Yogi Bear 3D there. Oh, sick. And it was sick. And it is the sickest fucking talking bear, 3D talking bear comedy in the history of American cinema. Out on Blu-ray, Yogi Bear 3D. Yogi Bear 3D Blu-ray. Gotta get Bear 3D Blu-ray.

Gotta get them outtakes, baby. That's only on a special edition. Yogi go boo-boo. I made a boo-boo. I think we love those outtakes because everybody's making a boo-boo. But living in New Zealand was so weird. I really liked it. But after about four months, I was like, I could never live here. I'm so absolutely American that now everything here that isn't American bothers me.

And so that was the deal. And that's why I'm, yeah. That whole thing, because I work in Canada a lot. I just did a tour in Canada last November. And I just spent a lot of time in Canada. I just did Edmonton recently. I'm going to do Vancouver in just a little bit. But I could never live there.

And it's so similar to the United States, but it's just not, you know, it's not the United States. Yeah. And then you have a problem where when you live in New York, anywhere else in the United States, you're like, it's not New York. But some people hate it here. It's always weird for me to hear that. But people are like, oh, God, I would do anything to move to Los Angeles. And they might be right. The subway system here is way worse than it is out in Shanghai, China.

I'll tell you that much. And what do you mean by that? That it's always late? It's always late. It always breaks down. There's no air conditioning when you go on the station. I've never had an issue here. I've been here for three years.

I've never had an issue. Where did you move here from? Boston. Oh, nice. We moved here when Leigh Barstool moved here. Oh, nice. Did Barstool start in Boston? Yeah, we started in Boston in about two... That's why you guys are the rowdiest people on the net.

Two and a half years ago, we came down here. But I think they want this too, so we're going to have to cut this. But before we go, you alluded to it. We had the pizza review you missed and the voicemail you promised a very embarrassing Ryan Reynolds fact. Yeah, because you left a really long voicemail. I don't know if you recall leaving that. Yeah, of course. Did you guys play it?

Yeah, we shared it on the website and everything. Fantastic. Now, you can be honest with us. Did you not come because you were brutally hung over or like you no no it's always with me it's always double booking and being exhausted like last night i did like three shows and kate and i went and saw the mr rogers movie and something else like i just am constantly doing stuff so sometimes things just don't work out so that that that was what it was it was like i had it – I think it was a reshoot maybe.

That's why I said the Ryan Reynolds thing. And you said you were laying off the carbs because you were trying to cut weight at that time for a role. And that actually – For underwater. That's why I didn't come. Yeah, you were like – Because I couldn't eat pizza. I was eating absolutely zero carbohydrates, not drinking any alcohol.

And I think you mentioned the previous night you had like raided some fridge accidentally. Yes. No, I think that that accidentally had to do with legal cannabis in a legal city and county. And then I made a huge mistake of like, I think I did the same thing because I'm cutting weight right now for something. And yeah, the thing that you can't do is you're like, okay, I'm cutting weight, so I'm not going to drink. And then your body at the end of the night is like, well, where's all the sugar that comes from the booze? You know, where did that all go? So then suddenly you become like this weird, sad, like 20-something after a breakup that she thinks was her lunch.

And you're just like eating out of the pint of ice cream. Oh, I know that game. So that was kind of a disaster and contributed to it. But I'll fall through with my embarrassing Ron Reynolds story. And that was that he, there was this moment where we were changing something in Deadpool 2. We're supposed to be that he had a fanny pack, Brolin had a fanny pack, and then I do that line about a fanny pack and it's not a utility belt, that he had a fanny pack Brolin had a fanny pack

and then I do that line about a fanny pack and it's not a utility belt, it's a fucking fanny pack you know, the difference is nine day and then he was supposed to take out a lip gloss thing and Ryan was going to say something funny and then he was going to throw the lip gloss at me and it ended up being explosive

so it was like another funny fanny pack joke kind of and then they cut that because the director didn being explosive. So it was like another funny fanny pack joke kind of. And then they cut that because the director didn't like it. And I was like, well, we've got to do something to knock me out. Like, should he just hit me or should, you know, I don't know, should I wet myself? You know? Thanks for bringing that back up. No problem. Got to keep it in the rotation.

You know, we should do something that kind of explains why I – this is just one of many embarrassing stories with Ryan Reynolds. But I was like, should we do something that explains why, you know, should we do something that explains why I'm just like no longer in the movie after this? And he's like no no no what it is is this all build up like these first two movies and then in the third one weasel sort of is

a coward and like disappeared in the second one and the third one like he comes through and saves Deadpool and saves the day and saves everyone and I just looked at him and I wanted to be like do you know that I know you're lying? Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

The third Deadpool weasel comes back and saves everybody like house. And it really was. Then there was this awkward pause where he was waiting for me to say something like, oh, really? Cool. Yeah, that sounds awesome. All right. Great. Great.

Yeah. Let's leave this unexplained. But because I didn't and he wants everyone to like him because he's a really nice guy and he hates the idea of somebody not like him, we just sat there in a dead, locked stare with him waiting for me to be like, wow, I get to be the star of the third Deadpool. It's going to be called Deadpool 3, weasel. And I didn't do that. And then I was waiting for him to be like, I'm just fucking with you, man. Like, can you just not do this? Because we don't have time to.

We just like, we don't have time. We're running low on time for today. So we just need to like do this and we'll figure it out in editing. And he didn't do that because he was like, it was weird. It was like Santa. It was like, I was like, Santa's not. It was like like Santa's like, well, I'll see you at your house later. And the kids like 13 or something is like, yeah, I'll see you at the house later. And Santa's like, no, but I'll be coming down your chimney soon.

And at that point, the 13 year old wants to be like, I hope not, dude, because you're an old portly gentleman in a mall. And if I see you in my house i'm gonna call the fucking cops so it was that moment with ryan and i and then at the end of it i remember and i've done this recently i just sort of backed away that's been my new fun thing is if something's awkward instead of trying to like make the other person feel better or like get out of it or something just slowly walk backwards. Could he sense that you saw right through his bullshit? Of course.

He's not a stupid idiot. Like he's very smart, but I think that was what was so awkward was he just right then and there was like, I've just totally lied to this guy and he totally knows that I lied to him. Like I totally thought this guy was stupider than he is, and he is not that stupid. So that was super fucking awkward. But, I mean, you know, he's the type of guy who I love him.

I think he's great. I think he's very loyal. He's given a lot of opportunities to people in general, a lot of opportunities to me. But, you know, he's a fairly – I thought it was a little weird. very loyal. He's given a lot of opportunities to people in general, a lot of opportunities to me, but, um, you know, he's a fairly, I thought it was a little weird. You know,

people said, well, is TJ going to be an X force the next movie that Deadpool's in? And he's like, no. And I wasn't going to be in it anyway. You know what I mean? But he didn't explain that.

So he's that type of dude where he will be like, you know, if that might leave some intrigue or something, then he'll just kind of be like, we decided not to put him in when really I was never going to be in that movie. There's already again, there are so many fucking characters in the Marvel Universe. It's like I would like to leave. There's plenty of room for other people to do plenty of stuff. So, you know, i think he's a little bit insecure as a person because he was heavy set as a kid he was like a fat kid he always talks about that and then he is really really really funny but nobody wants to laugh at him because he's too handsome so he's got this like you know famous pretty boy look problem yeah yeah

i know you get that all the time, especially with those jeans. You bought those pre-torn. He did. But I think, you know, I think it would be hard. I, in his position, I would find it difficult to be as funny as he is, but people only really appreciate how funny I am when I cover up my goddamn face. I mean, that's what Deadpool is. Is they covered his face completely or they scarred it up

and then suddenly you're able to like appreciate that he is one of the fastest, sharpest, funniest improvisers, comedy actors, anything that's out there. Because when I improvise with him, it's fucking awesome. It really, really is.

But, you know, he's, dude, he's an actor. I mean, I kind of touched on that earlier. Like, he takes himself seriously. You know, I you know he's dude he's an actor i mean i kind of touched on that earlier like he takes himself seriously you know i mean he's he's very funny and he can be self-deprecating and stuff but he takes it very seriously how he is you know seen uh the how successful his films are whether or not people think that he's a good actor how funny people think he is i mean i think i've shown very clearly from my past that i do not give a fuck about anything except for, like, making people laugh and putting in the work and making people happy. It doesn't matter to me what people think about me. genuine me which is like a kind individual who's in a very healthy transparent relationship with a woman who's brilliant and and a guy who like at the core is a stand-up comedian and is willing

to travel and tour rather than like take the easy money and that's why i left silicon valley i would prefer that but it's fine to me that there are people that are like you fucking stupid fat piece of shit you ruin your career by doing the emoji movie dumps fucking loser. I'm like, cool. See it. Ready? Player one.

What are you talking about? But that's okay. I mean, that's people again, and I've said this in the past, people need somewhere to direct their hate. And I'm the type of person that isn't as bothered by that as other people. Like I would like,

let me put it this way. I would much rather have some asshole on the internet be talking terribly about me than even one person say something negative about Kristen Stewart. Or her body image or something like that. That's fair.

And that's my very unfunny. You asked if I was going to do a serious role. I just did it. That was my ending. No laugh. Just a truly honest hope for people to be sweet to darling Kristen Stewart. When Ryan Reynolds probably wouldn't want to be known as Van Wilder, so he made it his goal to be taken more seriously. I think that's true. But I think what's cool is that he will be happy being known as Deadpool.

He worked so hard to get that movie made, and people loved it so much. And it is, it's like one of the all-time great comedies, in my opinion. Thanks to you. It's like Caddyshack in part. No, but I mean, I'm happy to be the Bill Murray or whatever I was in Deadpool 1. Bill Murray's setting the bar pretty high.

I was more like the fucking chipmunk puppet, but I'm happy to be the chipmunk puppet in a movie like that. But I've been lucky to be in mostly great movies. So I'm, I'm hoping underwater is equally as great. And, um, and yeah, I just, and the show tonight and the show, the two shows tonight and the two shows, Long Island. And that's a good thing is like, I'm very lucky to be in a position where I can go to

Levittown, Long Island and perform at governor's this weekend. And then next weekend go to Cincinnati. And then next weekend, go to Cincinnati. And then the weekend after that, go to San Diego. And next year, in Shanghai, China. And next year, from Shanghai to Beijing, they'll be all asking themselves, what the fuck is this guy talking about? TJ Miller, everybody, thanks for coming on, man. I feel like the dim sum of comedians right now, thanks to you.

You win some, you dim sum. You win some, the dim sum of comedians right now thanks to you you win some you dim some all right i'm gonna go eat pizza because i'm not on so straight fucking yeah thank you very much thank you that was great yeah all right uh big shout out to tj miller big shots to you came through like a goddamn wild man they were like four different times throughout the interview where I just looked at Logan and I was like, what's going on? What's happening here? That almost listening to it felt like a dream. Like when you're in a dream and you're like, like I could see myself being like, yo, I

had the craziest dream, man. I was at the office and TJ Miller came by and he just sat down. He was drinking a Bloody Mary and he just started talking about. No, he never poured a Bloody Mary. He poured it when he walked out he walked out he kept saying he's gonna get one and then when the interview ended he went and made one but the uber was already on the way so he took a road out with our glass take a roadie man i don't hate that move oh no i don't at all it just felt like is this real life is this actually happening it's like oh and then it was such a weird dream then like my middle school teacher walked in. It felt like something like that was going to happen because he was just going.

He was on one, man. He was on one, no doubt. There's no intro to the interview. It's just, like, he just walks in. We're already talking, and that conversation just carries on for an hour. And he's talking about whiskey and yoga and Ryan Reynolds being a little bitch. No, by the way, Ryan Reynolds, if you care to come on the show to refute the point, you want to defend yourself, you and Blake, open invite for you guys to come on the show.

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