KFC Radio - KFCRadio: We Got Heckled (6 Year Anniversary Special Live from LA)

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Live from a bar outside of E3 in LA, we celebrate the 6 year anniversary of KFC Radio. While we were recording a random person on the street heckled us because Feits called himself a FDB. Voicemails include if you could go back in time who would you heckle, would you rather your daughter be the face of a strip club or the featured performer and a debate over what motivates you: fear or friendship. Special thanks to all the LA Stoolies who came out for the event and to everyone who has supported us over the last 6 years.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Coming to you live from LAX, we just wrapped up the live podcast that we did on the street at the bar for E3. And we're now sitting at the airport, we're drinking, we ordered a bunch of cookie dough. Just cookie dough. No, no, no, no, no, no. Warm. It was baked cookie dough, otherwise known as a cookie.

Yeah, that's a cookie. That's what a cookie is. It's an outrageous thing to put on a menu. That's some rebranding that I appreciate. I think it's false advertising rather than rebranding. You get a little bait and switch it. Because a cookie dough, to me, sounds better than a cookie. That's true.

So if you say baked cookie dough, I just see cookie dough, and I buy it. If you tell me you can have some cookie dough and you bring me a cookie, I'm not going to be happy about that. I'm going to be very upset. Give me the raw shit that's in the salmonella. If I don't get salmonella after eating cookie dough, it's bad cookie dough. Right. Then it's not true cookie dough. So the episode you're about to listen to is a live recording.

So I don't want to hear it. Logan's already like they're going to complain about my volume and my sounds and all that shit. Logan's like a gal before sex. He's going to think I have love handled. No, you're going to be great, babe. You're going to be very self-conscious. Very self-conscious. Logan, you did a great job, hon.

A guy before sex, too. You will see us get yelled at about being sexist, so you're like a guy before sex. We had a heckler in the crowd. You're probably right on that front, but the rest of it, you're going to be just fine. We had a heckler on the street. Boy, she sucked. She sucked. I didn't know what she was saying the whole time.

That's the nicest thing I could say about her. Anyway, so we're about to hop on the flight. I had to change into some comfortable clothes before we got on the plane. So I'm wearing my bird dogs. You're a shorts guy now. Oh, yeah. Bird dogs turning you into a shorts guy is... Listen, we all know I look awkward in shorts.

You look ridiculous. They're so comfortable. I took my pants off. I took my underwear off. And I put on my bird dogs. You don't even need underwear. They've got like a liner that makes it feel like it feels like heaven you're getting a fucking hand job in space if you ask me

it feels honestly the only thing i want to do right now is get home get on my recliner binge watch xeno warrior princess and touch myself that's what my bird dogs are making me feel like i wanna i wanna watch when i put on my bird dogs, it feels like Bob Ross is painting happy little trees on a blank canvas. That's how sexy I feel in my bird dogs. If you think that feels good, you should feel the inner bicep of a 47-year-old Asian woman. Because let me tell you what. If you like a 47-year-old Asian woman, you should think about the Pillsbury Doughboy whipping up a batch of groin sleeves because I got my groin sleeve on right now.

Groin sleeve is what I've always dreamed of. Dude, here's the thing. You know how much stock I put in internet comments and whatnot. It's what I live for. The most. It's what I need to have. If you want to check out some of these internet comments, it feels like they were swimming butt naked in the Adriatic after four Mickey Lights.

No. Four? Four of them? Savage. I mean, it's like being in a McDonald's playhouse. It's like being in a McDonald's playhouse, but there's not a bunch of kids banging around in there. You have the total freedom to just swim around in the balls. In fact, if you think about it, though, there's a lot of kids banging around in it, aren't there?

Billions, perhaps, banging around in there. Tons of children in there just fighting it out. So, where are your bird dogs? And you can feel all of these things and more. Well, I mean, you probably look better than Kevin does in them. Kevin looks a little awkward, but that's a leg situation for Kevin. He hasn't done a leg day in 15 years. It's just rude.

We were having a good time talking about groin sleeves, and you had to make it personal. Go to birddogs.com. Use the promo code KFC. You'll get a free bird dogs dad hat with your order. So get yourself some groin sleeves. Get a dad hat. Birddogs.com. Promo code KFC.

Let's get into this podcast live from Tom Urbans. Tom Urbans is right. On Figueroa Street. Figueroa. Figueroa. Good? Great? Born a baby.

All right. Let's get it started. It is KFC Radio live on the West Coast. Shout out to all the West Coast Phillies for coming through. A big shout out to Logan who was twisting knobs and pressing the board and stuff like that. You were making a lot of guesses. That's what the job is, the guessing. And thank God he is around.

Super Producer BC could not be out here with us. So we would not be able to do it without someone else who knows how to turn the knobs. I wish that BC could be out here, though, because today ironically, coincidentally, is the 6th year anniversary of KFC Radio. So, 6 years probably

if I had to guess, like 450 episodes by now? Sure, that sounds right. I don't know, 500! We'll round up to 500! This is is the five hundredth episode of Games of Radio. And so an interesting little twist to be performing on the corner like a common street whore

here on the west coast. That guy liked it. Hey, come on in, buddy. Come on. I think that was sarcastic. I think it was. This is one of the weirder things we've done. I was thinking back over the last six years of the podcast, last ten years on the blog now,

some of the weirder things we've ever done. The first party I ever threw was on the Upper East Side in Manhattan at a magical place called Tin Lizzy. Oh, Tin Lizzy. Well, what did you think it was going to be? You've been there? Saloon, you. Oh, Saloon, yeah, listen. Saloon we literally put out of business.

I lived on 83rd and York. Saloon we put out of business. We drank them until their business was no longer functioning. Tin Lizzy just didn't even charge money. You would go in, they would just hand out free beer and they had a deformed midget who would be the bar back. The whole thing was a show.

And the first party I ever threw was a drinking contest with a truck bomb. You guys ever do a truck bomb? It's like a car bomb, but a car bomb you put a shot glass in the pint glass. This you put a pint glass in a pitcher. So it was like a pint of whiskey and Bailey's into the pitcher of Guinness. And it was two guys. It was Moose the Carpet Pisser

was his name, versus I Drink in My Sleep. Where the two guys, they chugged this shit down in like four seconds. It was unbelievable. And it was like the very first show we ever did at Barstool New York. And that was the. And it was like the very first show we ever did. Show. We ever did at Barstool, New York.

And that was the moment where I was like, if this is all we got, I don't know if this is going to work. Well, mine was even worse. It's actually, to this day, one of the worst nights of my entire life. Me and Gaz had taken his fucking Subaru. Fuck Gaz, by the way. Fuck Gaz. Up to Vermont.

And we were doing a show. It was pre-Blackout Tour. It was the Stoolpalooza. And we were doing a show. It was pre-Blackout Tour. It was the Stoolapalooza, and we were with this artist named Malfi. Now, Malfi would hotbox his car to heaven every single day, and he would just stumble out to come do a show. There was one person in the whole fucking bar. It was the night of, like,

the culmination of the chicken and beer season when the Red Sox had the ultimate collapse. We had, like had John Valvois save. Evan Longoria hit a fucking home run. That was nuts. And while that was going on, we had a terrible concert happening that one person attended

and Malfi was just on the bar kicking glasses and the fucking bottles out of the well thing. And the people at the bar were like, dude, you gotta stop this and the people at the bar were like dude you gotta stop this fucking kid and we were just like dude look

the Red Sox just lost not right now we talked about Mouthy on Barstool Radio like a week ago I love Mouthy Dave said the same thing Dave swears that Mouthy

could have been like the next biggest rapper ever Mouthy was a monster apparently not man he was super high all the time and liked to destroy things but that's rockstar living you gotta be a rockstar before you can do that.

No, you beat it. You've seen Always Sunny a bunch of times. You start off acting like a rock star. You destroy hotel rooms, destroy bars, and then the music follows most of the time. Is that like the hat? You wear the hat to make yourself feel more important? You hit the nail on the head, didn't you? Look, you saw today.

Today we had to do a couple of meetings and shit like that. We were in Hollywood. We were in Hollywood. And I was waving. And the tours going by were like, who is that sexy celebrity? Absolutely did not happen. Yes, it did. He's been telling himself this all day.

They were waving at me. Did you see them looking at me? I think that girl thought I was something. No, no way. No, they all were. No way he was doing that at all. They were waving at me. Yo, did you see them looking at me? I think that girl thought I was something. No, no way. No, they all were. No way he was doing that at all. He was tipping his cap.

He was like, good day. I was like, what are you doing? How many times? Four times today he called himself John Mayer. No, four times

someone thought I was John Mayer. No, you. Four times you called yourself John Mayer, which is maybe the most ridiculous thing of all. It was seven. It was seven times I did it.

John Mayer is like the fucking coolest, most talented coxswain in the world, and you are you. I'm wearing a cool hat, Kevin. That's all that matters. You think John Mayer would rock that hat? I think John Mayer owns three of these. I don't know about that money. So, yeah, I mean, you had Malfi.

I had the truck bomb contest. There were better times. We sold out the Wilbur for the last episode of KC Radio with Big Cat. We were up in Boston. So we've done good, we've done bad,

we've done everywhere in between. Yeah, we've done... Which is kind of what we do here. This is... For the new people here on the West Coast, this is what we do. We just kind of wing it.

We're just like, I don't know, we'll figure it out. It works out. It always works out. Except for the times it doesn't and we don't remember those. Well, the perfect example is we are technically here for E3. Yes.

Oi, oi. You guys are here for E3 or what? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right. These guys work. We don't know a fucking thing about video games. No.

You guys, E3, you just guys go wait in line, huh? A lot of lines. The whole day. Just sitting in line. Get in line to wait in line, huh? A whole day, just standing in line. Get in line to wait in line. Yeah, why? Don't you have video games at home? You got to see the new ones, he says.

You can't play the new ones. You're just fucking standing in line the whole time. Yeah, I tried to do virtual reality boxing and waited in line for an hour and decided I was over it. The only thing I'll say, though, is that we walk into the convention and we're like, Nerds, who are these nerds? we're like nerds who's nerds I'm like look at us look at you look at me I'm where we do a podcast for a living we blog on the internet I'm addicted to twitter we're fucking nerds man you guys play video games we play twitter basically I sit around crying about I'm a grown man crying about the Mets every single night

I'm worried about exit velocity and bapip and shit like that. But I'm not the nerd. Exit velocity is fucking awesome. Exit velocity is cool as shit. Exit velocity. Jose Reyes, get the fuck off my planet at this point, man. You guys want to do a Mets podcast?

I can just let that rip. I got a lot of feelings pent up there. Yeah, listen, I don't know. I feel like the video game stuff is just as nerdy as our dumb sports obsession? No, a thousand percent.

They get a bad rap because they're the new guys in town. Video games have only been around for a little while. Sports have been around, I believe it was the Greeks invented them.

Sounds fair. The Greeks invented orgies. That's like their main... Are you guys a professional team? Are you guys a pro team? You got your own gear here. Come here.

What team do you play for? Is that how it works? It's Endemic. Endemic? What's your game? Well, I play Heroes of the Storm. We got Hearthstone players. You guys know Paul George,

basketball player? Oh, yeah. He was playing Fortnite yesterday. He was wearing this jacket. Paul George was? Paul George, yeah. See, we're talking right was playing Fortnite yesterday. He was wearing this jacket. Paul George was? Paul George, yeah. See, we're talking right now how, like,

sports people are losers and you guys are cool. And Paul George... Right? Yeah, you're feeling it. It's a fucking, like, dope-ass uniform. That's a cool uniform.

Yeah. Where are you guys from? I'm from Arizona. They're all from Cali. But, like, your team, like, do you have, like, a team in, like, a hometown?

Yeah, look at Paul George repping the squad Paul George, he's coming to LA, right? Look at that, these guys are cool as shit You guys should get hats like this guy Yeah, you guys should get a hat It would go great with your hair, my man You guys are just getting like tons and tons of pussy

while you're out here or what? Look at this one hiding behind Shout out to Endemic and tons of pussy while you're around here or what? Look at this one hiding behind here. Shout out to Endemic. You guys are my new squad. I want one of those. It's a good color.

You gotta be nice though. I fucking always I just said win words. You gotta be nice. You gotta be pussy. We're a game. We're a game.

Are you nice? I don't know. We're not nice. You can go. I thought I was a nice person. I am not talented in games. No. You know that doesn't matter for girls.

The last game I think I played was, like, GoldenEye. Thoughts on GoldenEye? Zelda. Best game of all time, man. Really? GoldenGun. Are you kidding me? The GoldenGun.

Listen, as long as you New Age guys respect the real greatest of all time, GoldenEye, Zelda. GoldenGun's one shot, everybody knows the rules. This guy knows the deal. He slow played it the whole time. This show's fucking over. He just brought it down. Shit.

Well done. Do a dab, dude. Kyle has a slow play there, man. Damn. These guys are cool. That was fucking awesome. So, we're getting used to the West Coast. We're not exactly West Coast guys.

In-N-Out? In-N-Out fucking sucks. I had In-N- out for the first time today. You guys have garbage palates. I mean... It doesn't suck, but it's one of those things I got yelled at so much, so now it sucks. It was fine. I like shaking

Jack better, but everyone keeps calling me a pussy for, I don't know, liking cheeseburgers. And I'm like, there it is, see? I'm done with In-N-Out. Never again. Never. Animal style, that was a farce. That was what they gave it to us. Animal style was just like extra tomatoes and some shit. A lot of tomatoes. A diet burger, no

thank you. We're adjusting. You guys out here are happy. Happy's weird too. Good looking, tan. We're like fat, depressed, and bitter. That's just how we do things on the East Coast. I don't know if I could change it. Feidelberg had a conversation with his own mother the other day.

She said, that's what you need to run. That's what you need to do your job and run on light. You need to be depressed. I was like, well, that's a bleak thought. When your own mother is like, you need to be depressed to live. You better not get happy, you fat bitch. I mean, that is as gruesome as it gets. That's how my mom talks to me.

What's that? What's she say? Oh, we're sexist? My mom called me a fat bitch, so I'm sexist? She's romantic. me a fat bitch so I'm sexist? That was the lamest heckler ever. My mom called me a fat bitch so I'm a sexist. It sounds like my mom's the one you need to be

talking to. You know who I feel bad for? The dog. That dog deserves a nicer better order than that girl. Jeez. That dog probably can't even play or do anything. Shout out to our favorite heckler. First time we were ever truly heckled. We've been yelled at.

We've had drunk fans scream obnoxious things at us. But it was never a true malicious heckle the way this chick was. And I feel bad. I feel bad for her because clearly she's got an unpleasant disposition in life. I think what she did was she heard me talk about how my mom calls me a fat bitch. Right. She heard fat bitch and was like, you're a sexist. I'm like, no, that's what my mom calls me. Actually, equal opportunity. I'm a male and my female mother is calling me a fat bitch. was like, you're a sexist. I'm like, no, that's what my mom calls me. Actually, equal opportunity.

I'm a male, and my female mother is calling me a fat bitch. My mother, yeah. My mom is the one who's mean to me. It's not the other way around. You didn't listen to the full story, and you're acting on impulse. And it just seems like it's really a misrepresentation of us. Well, what I really felt bad for was the lovely yellow lab that was walking alongside. Oh, it's a golden lab.

No, it's not. It's a yellow lab. Well, I have a golden doodle, so I call them golden labs. Well, that's not the right dog name. I don't care. It's a yellow lab, and it was a lovely dog, and it was walking along the street with that heckler. I want to go save... They're gold, not yellow.

I want to go save that yellow golden lab. That's what I want to do. And so I'm going to take that lab over to Rover where they have the largest network of five-star pet sitters and dog walkers in all of North America because that lady was not fit to

own such a majestic creature. If anyone if you have any sense of right and wrong and you're listening to this podcast and you live in the Los Angeles area. You know her. You know that dog. You're going to sign up for this. Everyone sign up and be like, I want the lady who called Kevin and John sexist.

I want to walk her dog and never bring it back. This dog, the Rover gives the pet parents the peace of mind whenever you're away from your dogs that you're getting 24-7 support for your pup. There's protection. There's the guarantee that they have full background checks. They have all the vet consultations, GPS dog walking. It is the safest, most luxurious way to walk your dog, pet sit your dog. Have you ever had someone walk your dog?

It's very nerve-wracking. See, I've never had someone walk my dog because I don't trust anyone. It sounds like I trust the people at Rover. They are the number one service out there. Go to rover.com slash KFC Radio. Use the promo code KFC Radio, and you'll get $25 off your first booking. So that's rover.com slash KFC Radio. Then you've got to use the promo code KFC Radio during checkout.

Get $25 off your first booking. For all the dog people out there, this is the service for you. It's a difficult one to trust. Rover's the place to be. Jesus. The only thing, so, like I said, we're not fitting in

in L.A. It's not exactly our... As you can fucking see. Yeah, clearly. We're being echoed off the streets. The main concern I've had, though, like, could I move out here? Probably. Like, maybe I'll get in shape. Maybe I'll be happy because it's sunny.

My main problem is all of the billboards that I've seen for super gonorrhea. You guys have a problem. Everybody starts shaking their head, like, what is this deal with super gonorrhea? Everywhere you go, it's like, It says it everywhere. It's the deal with Super Gonorrhea. Everywhere you go, it's like, Gonorrhea alert. It's like a tornado alert in the Midwest. LA just like, stop putting your dick in stuff.

I mean, I... It sounds like this resistance... Medicine resistance train is going to kill everyone, and I think you guys are like this epicenter of the whole fucking thing. I've seen movies. No one fly anywhere. No one come to New York. That's how it gets you.

That's how it just spreads. It spreads, yeah. All the mile-high stuff. I thought it wasn't... Connery wasn't even all that bad, but apparently the Super one is... I mean, even adding Super to anything, I think it's pretty bad. Except man.

Man, he's good. Man's good. Man's good. Unless he has Batman, and that's a whole thing. We did man, man, he's good. Man's good. He's taking less damage. Batman, that's a whole thing. We did the Barstool spelling bee. This is off topic, but I just thought,

you could put a gun to my head right now and ask me to spell gonorrhea and I would have absolutely no shot. G-O-N-O-R-R-H-E-A. Somebody's had gonorrhea before. And that's the birth of the Fidelberg has gonorrhea before. And that's the birth of the Feidelberg has gonorrhea rumor. Rumor, yeah.

Shot yourself in the foot on that one. Let's do chlamydia next, man. C-H-Y-L-M-E. C has never had chlamydia. He doesn't know how to spell chlamydia. He only had gonorrhea. All right. C-H-Y-L-M-E.

So, we... The other thing that I feel like we wouldn't really understand out here in L.A. is, we, the other thing that I feel like we wouldn't really understand out here in LA is, like, the dating scene. We've been driving, like, everywhere.

I think we're unique with that, though. Like, I think other people, like, would drive to their girlfriends' house. I wouldn't take the subway to my girlfriend's house. Right.

I mean, everywhere we go is, like, 90 minutes, but fights won't go, like, 10 blocks. No. Like, hey, meet go is like 90 minutes, but fights won't go like 10 blocks. No. Like, hey, meet me around the corner

of this bar. Like, ah, I can't get off my couch. Yeah, that's the whole thing. If you were, like,

half the time if my girlfriend was on my couch, I'd be like, ah, not tonight, no. I have gone to rehab.

Just go. You wouldn't want to anyway. Yeah, no, no good. Yeah, I'm on my cycle.

Oh, yeah. You guys wanted to get us some voicemails. Yeah, no good. Yeah, I'm on my cycle. You guys want to get some voicemails? Yeah. All right. Can I play them from here or are you going to do it? All right. Lisa Mattresses. Mattresses, Mattresses, Mattresses. I cannot wait to get home to my Lisa Mattress.

I'm going to. I. Okay, I'm going to be honest. I'll be flat out true with everyone right now. Sometimes I exaggerate on the ad reads. No. I got a little excited when you said that. When I'm home in a bed, I'm going to crawl right in. I just washed my sheets, too.

Oh, that's the best. Yeah, no, bi-monthly for sure. That's a great feeling. A Lisa mattress with fresh sheets after a red eye. You know what? I lied to you. I told her we were going right to the office because I knew she wasn't going to be in. Everyone keep this secret. I know the KFC Radio listeners are great at that.

Secret. Don't tell anyone. Don't tweet at anyone. I said, look, I'll be there tomorrow. She said, oh, I'll be at Shinnecock. I said, oh, I'll be there tomorrow. She said, oh, I'll be at Shinnecock. I said, oh, you don't say. I think I'm going to take off all my clothes, climb into my fresh sheets on my Lisa mattress, and have myself a lovely little morning.

Lisa.com. Lisa.com backslash barstool. $130. They're going up. They keep going up. These goddamn savages. They're going to go out of business. It's going to be $130. They're going up. They keep going up. These goddamn savages. They're going to go out of business. It's going to be $200.

It's going to be a free mattress all the way. It's unbelievable. I'll tell you what. Lisa.com slash barstool. You've got to stop raising the price or raising the discount. $130 off. You can try it for 100 nights and return it risk-free. They have taken the mattress world by storm, and they're about to take me by storm this morning.

Eastern.com slash Barstool for $130 off. Oh, well, it's password protected. So that's not exactly ideal. That girl was in a Ponce de America shirt, too. I like Ponce de America. Yeah, I fuck with them. Hey, I know where you are. I know you're in the most feminist podcast.

The most feminist podcast in the whole world? Yeah. Wait, where were you fucking five minutes ago? Good. You guys are sexist. Now, actually, we're the most number one feminist and masculine podcast on the planet. Thank you very much. Let's get into these voicemails.

Hello, KFC, Spice, BC. First time, last time. I have a question for you. If you had the chance to heckle any person throughout history, like talk shit, call them out for whatever, whatever you want. Absolutely no consequence. Who would it be and what would you say to them?

That's rather timely. I was going to say, there are certain moments in bar school where I feel like the serendipity makes me feel like it's all going to work out

despite the fact that we're the most dysfunctional company in the world. And being heckled like a second before we play a heckling voicemail, I feel like is either a good omen or an absolutely horrible one. I guess my new answer is I want to fucking heckle that chick.

I want to just follow her around on her dog walk and go to work with her and be like, hey, you're fucking annoying, you suck. That's who I want to heckle, that random stranger for the rest of my life. Great question, though. Heckle anybody throughout history. Anybody that you want to chirp.

The first answer that popped into my head is an odd one, I admit. It's John Hinckley Jr., the guy who tried to assassinate Reagan. And just be like, Hey, shot, pussy! Hey, ever heard of a gun range, John? I feel like if you're trying to assassinate someone,

that's like, you better be good at that. Yeah, like, yeah. Like, you gotta know that you're gonna kill the guy. First time handling a gun, John, was it? Maybe a little practice next time. I feel like I would want to heckle Napoleon, too. Napoleon? Yeah, you short little bitch.

Trying to start a war with Russia. You stink. I thought you were good at taking over the world. A land war with Russia? What are you, a fool? In the winter? You dumb little midget. I don't know.

I think I'd want to heckle everybody. I'd want to egg Hitler. Kill yourself. You lost, dude. But also heckle Abraham Lincoln. So people throughout history have no idea what to expect of me. This guy's face is like, what? I'm going to be an Abraham Lincoln fan.

I don't get what this guy's deal is. He hates both of them? A little Abe Lincoln. How would you hackle Abe? I don't know, but I'd end up in history books. Like, yeah, the Gettysburg Address, some guy just kept booing. What does four score even mean? Say how many years, dude.

I was thinking... I didn't bring my fucking dictionary, dude. I was thinking... I didn't bring my fucking dictionary, Abe, to say the date. I was thinking, like, you go to a Bill Cosby show before anybody knew what was going on. There you go. Bill, I'd like to go to anyone ever

and say I didn't know what you did. Like Matt Lauer. You go to, like, a Today show. Hey, Matt, I know the said i know what you did like like matt a matt lauer you go to like the today show hey matt i know the truth i know you i know you got that creepy button on your desk people think you're crazy i'd be like just wait just wait you're gonna find out the truth i'm gonna start doing that because i'm sure it still plays oh right now you can just anybody yo carson daly i know what you did. Carson's like, oh, fuck. Run away with his black nails. I remember that time you wore camo with black nails and a do-rag, bro.

Let's hear from the girls. I'm calling because I'm wondering, so I'm going to the webinar page, and I'm wondering if I can go to it, basically. Don't fuck with it too much. Alright, so here's the question. I'll recap it for her. This girl wants to know, she goes home with a guy, should she take her makeup off or just let it rock?

So she wakes up in the morning still with the whole face painted on. Or can she take it off and go au naturel? I would definitely go au naturel. Isn't it really bad for you to do it on your skin? To leave it on? You are. take it off and go au naturel? I mean, I would definitely go au naturel. Don't you like, isn't it really bad for your skin to leave it on? You are.

I've heard, I've heard this. The most beta boy in the fucking world. John's like, you gotta get your oil bowl laid out and exfoliate

and get it off your face. It's just something I've heard. Even sometimes I'm astounded by how gay you are. I mean, listen, it depends on how much you need the makeup, right? You're a hot chick? Don't worry about it. If you're super ugly, leave it on.

Oh, God, his back isn't your... God damn it. Fucking... I don't know what... See, I'm going to win myself back here. I don't know. I'm going to win myself back here. I don't know how long it takes to take off makeup. And if you go to the bathroom. Liar.

Fucking liar. If you go to the bathroom for like 20 minutes, I'm like, what is she doing in there? Right. That's true. You might start wandering into something way worse than just taking off her makeup. Yeah, but what if, you know, what if this girl comes back out and she looks completely different? I don't think that happens very often. That's like a movie thing, I think, right?

I don't know. I'm also, listen. I'm worried that girl has embedded herself in here. All women look the same to me. Everyone's beautiful on the inside. Everyone's gorgeous. Listen, my thing is if you're at that point, no guy cares. No.

Like, you went in and your eye shadow looked good. You come back and it's not. No one cares. It's like, I'm still going to try to have sex with you right now. As far as I'm concerned, no woman's ever worn makeup. What? I don't really know how to tell the difference. I guess they're like those people who, like, they have, like, a different color skin below

their shirt line. Yeah, like someone who maybe has salt tan all over their body. This is fucking... This sucks. You planted this fucking club. That worked out perfect. This guy had to wash his hands with lemon juice the other day. Let me tell you something.

There had to be a moment, I hope maybe a moment, where you're looking in the mirror with a dumb fucking hat on bathing in lemon juice maybe being like, I need to scale it back a little bit. I'm a little too much, a little too extra these days. I knew I was coming to LA. I knew drastic measures were necessary

and I know I'm fucking glowing right now. So you tell me who made the mistake, you pale motherfucker. I was a little jealous of the glow. I'm not going to lie. Let's talk about strip clubs. It's okay if the site SuperproducerDC

had a bit of a hypothetical question for you. So I was talking with my brother the other day, driving, and we saw a billboard for a strip club. So the question was, in this situation, you have a daughter, and would you rather your daughter be on all the billboards, you know, basically advertising as the main attraction,

but she doesn't actually work at the strip club, or would you rather your daughter be the main attraction at the strip club, or would you rather your daughter be the main attraction at the strip club? So, in one scenario, she's a mom. I don't think this is hard. Just so people understand exactly what we're talking about, your daughter is the face of strip clubs all across billboards all over the city, where she just is a stripper. This is not hard.

Nope. Nope. Not at all. I have a friend who moved out to Los Angeles here after college to become an actor. And he ended up being the face of Valtrex. And yeah, we bust his balls a little bit for it. But...

It's a paycheck. He does good money. And he doesn't have herpes. And so I think you could say, look, it's a job. A job is a job. You know what? If my daughter is a model I'll spin I just spun off the fucking planet.

Not even an Instagram one either. She gets paid and everything. She's a stripper billboard model. But we'll just go with model. Look, you see them all the time driving up to Boston from New York. They have those, like, VIP billboards. Okay. I'm pretty sure they still have Lana Barbie, Lanny Barbie on those.

Remember her? Shout out. Shout out. She's probably walking around the streets right now. She's probably saying, As someone who at least had gonorrhea once, clearly. Would you be on the super gonorrhea billboard? Yes, absolutely. It's like the, don't be like me. Fight gonorrhea once, clearly. Would you be on the super gonorrhea billboard? Yes, absolutely.

Just like the don't be like me. Fight gonorrhea. Dude, I think it would be me with a laser gun just shooting gonorrhea. That would be, that's a fucking,

literally fighting it. That's a monster ad right there. Literally and figuratively. That sounds like a movie, man. We're out here in L.A. pitching movies.

Final Bird versus gonorrhea, part nine. I don't know, dude. The face. This, by the way, I did not see. Like, this is going to be the new storyline for, like, years to come. I knew it. I didn't spell a word I read on a billboard four minutes ago.

Yeah, sure. Keep telling yourself that. Your daughter being the face of strip clubs is not a good thing. I don't know. I think it's okay. I, I, I, I, I, I. Someone without a daughter. That's a good point. I don't know. I think it's okay. I... That's a good point. I genuinely don't see her.

I'd be like, yeah, my daughter is a model. She gets paid. Okay, well, let me spin zone the other side of that. My daughter is just a dancer. Okay. Good for your daughter. She sounds flexible. Rude.

Rude. Oh, come on. That wasn't fucking up. Jesus Christ final answer I think though you have to go with you are right

you can't have your daughter you just wanted to listen Chris Rock said it best right your goal in life is to keep her off the pole so

keep her on the billboard instead I don't know billboard look man I think billboards there's something to be aspired to

being on a billboard. And you can say, look, I'd Instagram that. I'd be like, look at my baby. She's not actually at Sapphire, but looks great on a billboard. If you Instagram your daughter on a strip club billboard, you need to kill yourself. I would Instagram my daughter on a strip club billboard, hashtag proud dad. Let's do a classic KSU radio type of hypothetical. Where's the girl on that one?

KFC, Mike, people producing DC. First time, long time. Got a question for you. Would you rather feel sticky all the time or be itty all the time? Got to get your thoughts. Let me know. Sticky all the time or itchy all the time? Gotta get your thoughts. Let me know. Sticky all the time or itchy all the time? This sucks.

You did this on purpose, like, all this order of voicemails. I'm always itchy. I don't know why, but I'm always... It's the gunnery. It's the STD. It's the second least asmetic. It's like my arm and my elbow are always... It's called the symptom of STDs.

It's always... My arm is always itchy, so I just... I don't know. That even sounds worse. That sounds like a heroin thing. But it's none of those. It's just an itchy arm. I don't think you can be sticky all the time.

Oh, no. Sticky doesn't work because that's an outward thing. You shake my hand and I feel sticky. Sticky, no. I walked out of the bathroom before one of the meetings today and I pounded the guy. So I just washed my hands. I didn't want you to feel me wet. Here's a question for you.

Someone walks out of a bathroom, shakes your hand. Would you rather it be wet or dry? Dry, 100%. That means they didn't wash their hands. Don't care. Me neither. Don't want to feel your hands. I don't fucking care about that.

I'll go wash my hands. I went to the bathroom before you started and a couple of you guys were in the bathroom and I just was like, I'm not fucking washing my hands. I'm not going to be care about that. I'll go wash my hands. I was actually, I went to the bathroom before you started, and a couple of you guys were in the bathroom, and I just was like, I'm not fucking washing my hands. I'm not going to be pressured into that. I don't like washing my hands, and I'm not going to do it, even though you guys know I'm going to sit down without washing my hands. I mean, like, look, I ride the New York subway. I hold the bars on the New York subway.

Those things are way dirtier than my dick. It's just a fact. It's just... Again, the running theme here, maybe not so much. You keep walking into it. I'm going to keep bringing it up. Listen, unless you're peeing all over your own hands,

you don't need to wash your hands in the bathroom. And if you have gunpowder. As far as sticky, you ever touch a sticky person? No, I don't think so. Me neither. Exactly. It would be horrible. It would be a terrible situation that you would remember for the rest of your life. But you would absolutely lose your goddamn mind being itchy the rest of your life.

I'm going on two years. You want to hear some pre-crime shit? Portnoy, he says that he loves mosquito bites. Don't tell me. I don't think it's as crazy As you think it is You do this I mean like

By a show of hands Who loves mosquito bites Give me one Give me one Zero Zero Huh Okay

Just you and Porto But it is Bunch of fucking You said he loves to scratch them I'm like Bunch of turncoats Oh another person

Fun person to heckle Benedict Arnold Nice choice You fucking idiot Really picked the right side There you Dirk We're on the wrong side Oh, another fun person to heckle. Benedict Arnold. Nice choice, you fucking idiot. Really picked the right side there, you dick. We're on the wrong side of history on that one. Kevin Garnett or Kevin Durant of the Revolutionary War.

Sharks. What's up, KFC? Hi, I'm Super Producer DC. First time long time. I was reading about the guy in Brazil who's kind of dicked it up by a shark and I was thinking if every shark in the world was tagged or was able to be traced would you look up and see how close you were to a shark encounter in the ocean?

So you got shark radar basically. You can see where all the sharks are at all times. Would you want to be able to do that? Yeah, without a doubt. First of all, I think this exists. Because I think, like, boats have it

where you can see the fish under you. Yeah, boats, but not the average person. Like, I could buy it, right? I could just buy it and swim with it. You want to know where all the sharks are at all times? I feel like ignorance is bliss.

Ignorance is bliss when the shark's not going to eat you. Like, ignorance is bliss, like, with your daughter on a strip club billboard. But ignorance is not bliss with a fucking animal that's going to eat you. That's going to kill you?

Yeah. I don't think I'd ever go in the water again. How close is too close for a shark? If I find out there's a shark anywhere near me, I'm not going in the water. So I'm basically just never going in the ocean again. See, I just don't think I fear sharks. I know you stab it in the eye.

I would love to see you get in a fucking pool with a shark and try to fight it. I think you could. That was actually, of all the ideas we've ever had at Barstool, Dan's shark tank idea is still my favorite. Which one? Dan, it's a literal shark

tank. And you can choose to have more sharks in it for more money, and you swim across. And if you get across, you get that money. And if you get eaten, you lose it. I mean, who would not watch that? If you put ten sharks in it, that's a million dollars on the line, and you go to swim underwater with ten sharks.

It's like literal sharks and minnows except with real sharks and real money exactly how many sharks did you put in I mean like let's be clear one shark you're fucking dead

so let's pretend for a moment here I thought my answer was going to be zero zero sharks I'll do one lap you know what I think

or you just load it up with so many sharks that they like fight each other oh distracting sharks yeah like if there's 50 sharks in a pool, there might be so much shark chaos you're going to get through.

Could I bring a bunch of Hamburg and just throw it to the side before I jump? Look at YP's weird ass in here. Oh, I've caught a shark before. I'll handle it. I've caught a shark before. Oh, okay. I did. I caught a Mako shark. How big was it?

It was 8 feet. It would have won the DeMarcus Vini shark fishing competition. This is a lot. It's not. I have pictures of it. Of an eight-foot shark you caught? Oh, yeah. You have pictures of your girlfriend from summer camp? Yeah.

Back in the day. Shout out to Pup Punk. All right. I need to freshen up. This has been a long day of travel, a long trip in L.A. It's time to get myself presentable again. That's why I use all the products from Dollar Shave Club. Everything from their executive razor to their shave butter to get a close shave,

down to the lip balm, the hair gel, the lotions, everything in between to look presentable, feel good, and do it at the best affordable price with the easiest process possible. All gets delivered right to your door. And right now you can try all of Dollar Shave Club's products for just $5. You get the Daily Essentials Starter Kit, which comes with the body cleanser, the butt wipes, and their best razor, the Six Blade Executive Razor. I'm at the perfect time for that because it's been like four or five days.

Oh, I thought you meant the butt wipes. I was like, we got a problem on hand. We got a problem. I'm at the perfect time for the shave because it's been four or five days, right? It's been four or five years. You finally got some facial hair. Lord knows how much I've done the sake creams, right? Who knows what that does to facial hair?

Yeah, sure. Threw a couple tanning lotions on there, right? And now it's just, who knows where it's at. Time to take it down. At this point, I have like blonde but orange facial hair. And it's a mess. You've become a full-blown hobbit. I look like a hobbit?

You look like a full-blown hobbit, yeah. You put my face with your legs. I'm a hobbit. Go to dollarshapeclub.com. Use the promo code KFC, and you will get $5 off your second month of the club. So join the club today. Get all these products, and for your second month, you'll save $5. When you go to dollarshapeclub.com, promo code KFC.

John, you're my best friend, John. So let's talk about friendship. Thanks. What up, KFC, Spike, Brendan. Second time, long time. Basically, I'm just calling in. This is kind of spread out Spike's alley, parking lot reference.

It's a pre-watching episode where Ron and Chris have a little contest with Jerry. They see what the best motivators are. Ron says the only motivators in life are money, hunger, and fear. And I was just wondering if you guys agree with that, or you lean, I'm assuming you do, or you lean towards the Chris Traeger friendship, positive reinforcement. Fear versus friendship. We're getting philosophical right now. I don't know if Los Angeles is ready for this shit.

The bigger motivator in life. Your fear versus friendship. This is extraordinarily easy. I don't even know what the fuck friendship being a motivator means. I can't remember the last time I did a thing for a friend. You motivate me zero. Zero? I wouldn't do shit for you. We just said I wouldn't remember the last time I did a thing for a friend. You motivate me zero. Zero.

I wouldn't do shit for you. We just said I wouldn't travel on the subway to go see a girlfriend. I imagine that's pretty true. And she's going to have sex with you. Perhaps. But I bail on my friends almost exclusively. There is nothing better than bailing on friends. I do.

Canceling plans on friends is, that's my motivation. That's the only thing that motivates me in life. I need to meet people, befriend them, to make plans with them, to fucking cancel on them. That's the high I'm chasing forever. I've started canceling, I'll always cancel going to a bar

and stuff like that. I've canceled weekends now. It's Thursday. It's like, we're going to go to Boston Friday. Nah, I'm out. I'll leave the hotel. I've canceled weekends now. Just like, it's Thursday. It's like, we're going to go to Boston Friday. Nah, I'm out. Just, no, I'll leave the hotel. I'm just not coming.

I don't know if fear is a motivator for me either. No, fear is a motivator for sure. You think so? Fucking A, right? Oh, yeah. I have one motivator in life and that is shame.

The only way I'm ever going to get in shape is if everybody shames me and calls me a bitch. Okay, well, here's my little spin here. I am motivated by the fear of shame oh you put me in a pretzel that's a Michael Scott shit

the only reason I work is because I'm scared Dave will write a blog yelling at me that's a good one to shame you the looming fear that Dave will shame you is the only reason you come to work that's actually scary accurate it's not the paycheck So, again, the looming fear that Dave will shame you is the only reason you come to work. Right. Exactly. That's actually scary actor.

It's not the paycheck. It's just the looming fear that Dave will fuck with you on that. I can say this because I know Dave won't listen to it. Never. Like, if Dave cut my salary in half tomorrow and was like, you have to keep working, I'd be like, ah, okay. Because I'd just get a blog. That's a great company dynamic. Fireworks are fucking pussy. You won't even work for free. And he's like, that's a great company dynamic. Fowler's a fucking pussy.

He won't even work for free. And he's got a gunnery. Yeah, now that's the Barstool vibe. That's what we do around here. Shame, fear of shame. The only reason we're going to do pretty much anything. Let's talk about UFC. We got UFC fans out here?

You guys even like sports out here? I don't know how this works. No, let's not go Mets. What's up, KFC fights, DC? This is my fourth fucking time trying to record this because I keep fumbling over my way. I've got a date next

weekend with the daughter of one of the best UFC fighters that I've ever lived. I am freaking the fuck out. I have to take her up at this dude's house. I have no clue what to do. How am I going to talk to this guy?

He's one of my favorite fighters. I don't remember his name. I do not know. I don't know. I don't know. So you're going on a date with a UFC legend's daughter. I mean, I just wouldn't do this if you were this scared about it.

Like, I'm going to find a different girl. Like, it's also like, you like the guy? It's one thing if it just happens to be a UFC guy, but like, this is your hero? I wouldn't want to date Tom Brady's daughter. I'd just disappoint him. I don't want to disappoint Tom. But you'd kind of be like, in with Tom. Nah. You'd have to do holidays with Tom. Not for long. I'd get dumped in six months. I just disappointed him. I don't want to disappoint Tom. But you kind of be like in with Tom. Nah.

You can do holidays with Tom. Not for long. I get dumped in six months. I'd be out pretty quick. You think? I feel like you would actually find a way against all other evidence that you would find a way to make it work if Tom Brady's approval was on the line. Interesting case.

Right? Yeah. Talking about motivator. The only thing that motivates you is TV12. Is motivating the fear of disappointing Tom Brady. Tom Brady, Right? Yeah. Talk about motivator. The only thing that motivates you is TV12. Is motivating, the fear of disappointing Tom Brady. Tom Brady, right?

Yeah. More than your parents, more than fucking crazy Dave. More than my parents, more than that girl on the street. That's clearly

really affecting me. She's in your kitchen right now. Yeah, she is. She's in it and destroying it. Just throwing pots and pans around.

Much like your last relationship. I think that... I said I want to hold a fire. I know, I got it. I think that... I think I just wouldn't... There's no good that can come of this.

What is the best case scenario? You live happily ever after? Yeah, that fucking chance, bud. I also think, though, like... What's also the worst case scenario? You think this girl's dad's gonna, like, what's also the worst case scenario? You think this girl's dad's going to, like, beat you up? Yeah. You think so, though?

You think that's realistic that, like, you're going to be put in a fucking chokehold by this girl's dad? I think it's extraordinarily realistic that that could happen with a UFC guy. I think most dads know. They just want to do it. I mean, UFC guys are just ripping ready to put you on an arm bar. They are animals. They are born maniacs. They fight with bare luck.

Okay, fine. And if this was a legend, that means he probably fought back in the day when you can do eye gouges and shit. And also he's all fucked up now. So how much of a dream girl would you need to date? Doesn't matter. Doesn't exist. Maybe Olivia Wilde.

Yeah, okay. Olivia Wilde, her dad is a UFC fighter. You're saying no? Yeah, I'm a big pussy, so yeah, for sure. That's a fact. I'm definitely saying no. That guy actually, though, he sounded like he had some bravado about him, so he'd either get knocked out in two seconds, or he might be able

to scrap with him a bit. And then if you beat the daughter's UFC dad, you are, like, I'm the captain now. Oh, I know that. I think you run away. Because he's going to come. He's like, he'll get back to training or something. I think naturally you have to fight to the death at that point.

Yeah. That's it. Either you kill this girl's dad and get a date her, or you're dead. One or the other. All right, last voicemail here before we wrap it up. The open bar is still rolling, so grab your drinks, get your food,

and, well, let's talk about poop. I don't know. The open bar is still rolling, so grab your drinks, get your food, and, uh, well, let's talk about poop. I don't know. We're wrapping up on some poop. What's up, Kevin, John, I've got a hypothetical. Would you rather have a ear of a horse and have your S's sound like S's

and your R's sound like W's so instead of saying stupid raspberry, it would of saying stupid raspberry, it would come out stupid raspberry. Or would you rather keep your voices like they are now, but once a week at any given time, you uncontrollably shit your pants? Do that.

All right, this is a pretty... This is, like I said, we're on episode 400-something. This is like an episode 9 question. We are throwing it back here. We always like to end on a little bit of a throwback note. So, you have an irreversible lisp for the rest of your life? Or once a week, at random, you don't know when it's coming, you poop your pants? This is a tough one because I'm one of those guys, I don't like pooping my pants. I'm not Dan.

Dan would have been... Let me play Dan for a minute now He'd be like Well I poop in my pants Once a week anyway So why would I want the list I am pretty I'm pretty much

Batting a thousand On getting the poop In the toilet I don't run into That problem often And I don't ever Really want that problem No I don't think so

But A list is a tough one Well I hate my voice already Like I've heard it all day I hate your voice, too. I fucking cannot stand part of a voice. The day that this podcast ends will be the best day of my life. I sound like a drunk baby.

It doesn't make any sense. You look like one, too. I know. This is an overgrown, drunk baby. Yeah, it's just the way I talk, so it sucks. I don't know. I think I can make a lisp with the earring. I don't know why, but I do.

Just like the hat? Yeah, just like the hat. People, come around on the hat. Stop trying to spin it the other way. I like the hat! Show of applause, do you like Fuddleburg's hat? Woo-hoo! Show of applause,

do you not like Fuddleburg's hat? The people have spoken. Hats in! Hats in! Congratulations. Listen, the list like Fretilberg's hat. The people have spoken. Hats in the hatsies! Hats in the hatsies! Congratulations. Listen, the list is not great, but I gotta be able I think things could be worse

if I didn't have a lift. Oh. Maybe you need a list. Maybe you should do the rest of these episodes with a list. I work for Barstool Sports. Having a list

but having to say Barstool Sports is a real fucker up. I just walk out of meetings like, where do you work? Like, mmm. Barstool Sports. Having a list behind me saying Barstool Sports is a real tough drug. I just walk out of meetings like, where do you work? Like, mmm. No. You guys, you got any questions?

Yeah, you got a question. You want to do a Q&A here with the audience? Anybody got a question they want answered? You want to just keep drinking? What do you got? Oh.

Toronto Blue Jays, actually? I flew to Canada for this. You flew to Canada? Yeah, from Canada. All right, we got a Canadian. I was going to say, I was like, we're not going to Canada for this you flew to yeah from Canada alright we got a Canadian I was gonna say I was like

we're not gonna refund that you know um so you guys actually I was a long time so I got my girlfriend into KFC radio yep

most feminist podcast yeah um so you guys obviously talk quite a bit about spitting people's mouths

alright I'm sorry I'm sorry. I know you're squashing your hair. That's my bad. I like it, but not as much as it's going on. Okay. So you're a little scared. How do I get it?

Not to stop. One big step. Yeah. We got to start screening the questions. You know what's funny I mean that guy this guy what's your name

Joel Joel is standing at the bar and I said like any questions he was like I came here for the spinning top listen I

I spoke to one of our one of our most important higher ups and I said how much do we need to scale back and she said

just do your thing, and I'm pretty sure she probably regrets it now. Because here we are. I don't. I don't. The street's listening. The street's watching. How do you scale back the spinning, John?

God damn. Listen, real answer, you can't. You've opened up Pandora's box, then, you know, she's the captain. Oh, you got an answer? Tell her you like it. Hey, I like that answer. Tell her you like it and she'll stop. Eventually, she'll be a married man over there.

Great. That's a great answer. Otherwise, open up, babe There's no slowing it down I would ask I cannot believe that just happened I would ask if there's any other questions But I don't know if anybody wants to follow up that act

And I don't know how much worse it could get So on that note We appreciate you guys coming out Thank you to anybody out here on the west coast Who's been listening, supporting, and spreading the word. Obviously, we've been in Boston and New York and the East Coast, and we're hoping to keep moving it out as far west as possible. So shout out to you guys for coming out and listening.

And drink up. Enjoy the rest of the night. And come say hi to us. Thank you. You don't have to.