KFC Radio - Lamorne Morris || Pete Holmes || Feits Had A ROUGH Time in Jamaica

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

A pod from the Whistlepig House in Nashville brings you: - Feits comes back from Jamaica and he is NOT feeling 100% after the trip - We almost get murdered in our Nashville Airbnb - Feits almost sh*t his pants one time after eating a 7/11 hot dog - Top 5 places to pee - video voicemails - Lamorne Morris Interview - Pete Holmes Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - We almost got murdered in Nashville 25:32 - Feits' Jamaica trip/gas station trip 1:18:27 - top 5 places to pee 1:46:24 - Video Voicemails 2:15:52 - Interview Previews with Lamorne Morris and Pete Holmes Roman: Go to https://barstool.link/Romankfc to get $10 off when you choose a monthly plan. Simplisafe: Customize the perfect system for your home at https://barstool.link/Simplisafekfc Ten Thousand: Go to https://barstool.link/TenthousandKFC for 15% off your purchaseYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I am sexually attracted to Granite. Cold over. you're right yeah it's another edition of kfc radio live from nashville the music city music yeah yeah music yes the city of music the city of music miracle is the famous play Music City? Yeah. The City of Music. The City of Music Miracle is the famous play. Music City live in Nashville at the Whistlepig House as you

can obviously see. This is a dangerous house to be in, man. We've got every whiskey you could need from the piggyback to the 10-year to the 10-year small batch. We've got the 12-year. We got it all. I'm going to make Fidel like dunk his head into a barrel of whiskey at some point this week uh so we will be here all week podcast as usual you'll get this you know this episode your

tuesday episode you'll get your thursday episode like regular pete holmes later today and lamorne morris and lamorne morris who was very funny he was awesome he he did not disappoint sometimes i get nervous doing the white people be like black people be like yeah but he but he was very comfortable to do it yes by the way over the weekend decided white people love sunsets oh you don't think black people like sunsets i was i was in jamaica and not a one not get up running to the sun no no it no. It was pretty much a white people thing. And basically weather as a whole. White people have sunsets when it was lightning out.

Look at the storm. Look how hard it's raining out. It was basically all we talked about. We need to fact check. Do black people care about the weather? Do black people love the weather? I'm a bit of a paradox, as you may know, because I also don't care about the weather i'm a bit of a paradox as you may know because i also don't care about the weather because i don't have any clothes for here because i packed for jamaica and i was like well they're

both south so they'll the clothes i for jamaica will be fine i said on instagram i didn't expect it to be jamaica i didn't expect it to be tropical be fine but i thought it would be warm for some reason i'd be able to get by with the clothes it's it's like 45 degrees and it's like the middle of April if you went here in February of course it's going to be cold it should be warm I honestly thought we were going to be doing some sunbathing we got a hot tub I want to be up there I want to pop the top off get some color

I said to bring the bring the fucking sad boy clothes for the spring I'll get the hoodies out man this is no yeah it's not gonna work but it's kind of nice because i'm super sunburned oh are you bro especially you you didn't even have your layer of little cat hair to help you i you went in with a fully waxed aerodynamic body where are you sunburned pop that top it's not like oh yeah no but i can see but it's it's gone down yeah but the worst

one i got the day of i put on sunscreen the whole time i'm not i don't think i'm better than the fucking sun but one thing you don't think about as you gain weight oh boy as you get older is this like the shadows it creates no have you ever had that your fucking belly button usually just by putting on suntan lotion regularly it'll get into my fucking belly because it's almost like flat but now it's deep you got my belly button so you got a you got a sunburn in your hole i got a roasted hole dude you're you got a belly bone burn hole burn pictures of it got a belly button burn let me see see that. I had no. Let me see that red hole. I had no.

I didn't really get a good shot of it. But you could kind of tell the juxtaposition between that's what my regular skin looked like and in there was like super red. Also, just opening my photos have been horrifying. This is like Zoom. i was gonna say like when you you know when you when you scroll through somebody's the the the camera roll you can see when there's flesh yeah right you can see and you don't know i'm really attracted to it look at it on the tv oh my god you know what that looks like? That looks like the surface Out of everything Out of everything that we put that girl through This might be the most disgusting

She is horrified That looks like When you see pictures from like a planet That looks like Wait, wait, wait, zoom back Oh my god, that looks like an asshole Like you have cancer or something Yes, zoom out Oh my god, that looks like an asshole. Like you have cancer or something. That's like, you know,

those are balls. Yes, zoom out, like, slowly zoom out, I'll tell you when to stop. There was like a point where it was like right there, right there, looks like a planet like in, and the black spot is space and then that thing is almost like when they say on Jupiter, it has like the big red spot or whatever, that's your

roasted hole. Dude, my hole got fucked up your hole was limping home from jamaica just got blown out it happened like wednesday i think no maybe tuesday oh man and like did you use lube on that you lubed up on the sunblock so? So you would have to get in there. I gotta figure my hole now. I gotta lube up my hole with suntan lotion. What else we got for the day? That was in the middle of the intro. By the way.

That was still introducing the layout for the week. We got to your roasted hole in about 10 minutes. So these glorious episodes as per usual tuesday thursday uh and then every week every day this week live at 4 p.m eastern time 3 p.m central which we have fucked up already we will continue to fuck up and i will not fix it uh central time is stupid and it's fucking me up Central Time is great, it's just time zones are stupid but also we have to acknowledge

that like 77% of America lives in the East Coast in the Eastern Time Zone I saw it on Twitter and then there's probably like 20% is the West Coast and you wonder why we have an East Coast bias

we're all fucking here. I don't care that the people in Montana get to watch the college basketball championship at a good time. There's five of them. Meanwhile, there's billions of people on the East Coast who are like, I want to go to fucking sleep. I got to wake up in the morning. Okay. Well, you know, same thing. 36%?

Same shit. Pretty close. Same fucking thing. Pretty close. Same thing. No, wait, wait, wait. No, wait, no, no. On the coastline, that's very different. Coastline of the Atlantic Ocean?

We need East time zone. Not coastline. Yeah, okay. 36% on the coastline. Then I'm going to get my 77%. I think I'm going to nail this. Come on, baby baby give it to me yeah give it to me from Quora we know that that's real forty seven point one

percent well you know still really cool look at that if half the country's in one of the time zones out of the four we own every fucking thing wait and since I'm surprised central came in second I would have thought Pacific had next with California yeah that's what I was gonna say actually is that the move cares about the middle of the country but I I guess we do got to give a little bit of props to the Central Time Zone. My apologies to Central Time Zone. No, no, I'm not apologizing to them. I'm not apologizing to everybody. East Coast is for life! Anyway, 4 o'clock Eastern, 3 o'clock Central Time,

we will be doing KFC Radio Radio, because we'll be doing live radio on the YouTube, so KFC Radio Radio because we'll be doing live radio on the YouTube. So KFC Radio Radio every day for the next week. So it's going to be a big week for the YouTube. We got a ton of guests coming through. We got Chase Rice. We'll have already aired, so you can go back and watch that one.

We've got Shane Gillis on today. We've got... Brantley Gilbert on Wednesday. Brantley Gilbert. We've got Bertane gillis on uh today we've got um uh brantley gilbert on wednesday gilbert we've got burt burt working on uh dan soder working on maybe some of the other comics that are coming later in the week um so everybody's down here for the nashville comedy festival which is why we're here we have our live show our actual live show on stage thursday night so we have our live shows every day then our live show on thursday night and then have our live shows every day then our live show on Thursday night and then our regular podcast I explain this to your family yeah for real talk to your grandparents about how to watch all this

so you have six live shows yeah no it's one live show but five shows that are recorded every day that are live you get it keep up let go. Two shows are pre-recorded. Come on! So, we're here in Nashville in a like a triplex. Yeah, it's a great place for a horror movie. Yep. Because all you do is hear fucking doors opening. So, let me set this scene.

First of all, when we pulled up, that place is beautiful, right? But where my Uber driver pulled up was just like an abandoned parking lot lot kind of behind a hustler club yeah and i was like this ain't right and next to show show girls yeah we are in some kinky neighborhoods yeah and i was like i've been before i was gonna say we kind of fit i walk in there it's gonna be like welcome to moe's hey we've been saving your seat for your whole life i was like on the one hand i was like this is a perfect fit on the other hand i was like

nah this can't be right this is not the right spot I must be I must have put in avenue instead of street or whatever you know it's the right spot we think I find where the actual duplex triplexes are we're all good but late last night me and John there's like a living quarters and then like a studio if you will so we're in the other building watching a movie john and i and all all all the old knives fucking fire yeah great movie it's a little pine a little bit mr mrs smith a little bit spy game yeah that's a good it's a good description it's available for free i'm proud it's not a plug but uh so we're watching and basically this exact

setup I'm laying on the couch John's sitting on a chair like that and down the stairs of the first flight everything has like one there are four flights four stories everywhere when you first walk in you gotta go up the stairs and we're on like the TV room level

and so in the middle of the night and at this point everyone's retired to their place for to sleep or people are working over here at this place and we hear the door open and we hear like uh and everything's locked you have to know a code so we hear a door open and then we hear like other doors being opened and closed and kind of some milling around and i did this this was the move that i pulled i was sleeping like that or laying and i went like this and i looked at john and the stairway was over there and john john just went like this we're looking at each other and i was kind of like well he's tougher than i am so he's gonna

have to do this he's gonna have to fight this intruder. And what's crazy is, like, obviously it was one of our team. We have a million people here. People are living in all sorts of places. At the same time, because to give credence to the horror movie aspect, the same time the Internet kicked out. Right. So we lost our movie. As soon as they left, the Internet kicked out.

Yeah. Or as soon as they came in, the Internet kicked out. So I'm thinking they, like, cut the Internet so i'm thinking they like cut the cut the internet next thing they're gonna cut the power and i remember thinking in that moment i was like all right well i mean now we get slaughtered and die i i don't i will die in nashville next to my partner here and we will be on the headlines and and that's just kind of what's gonna be because i'm not gonna stop this guy i don't think i even turned around you didn't you didn't you didn't the whole time i was waiting for you to turn around do something but i got a fucking internet stop i was just worried about the movie i was worried about the blood man just

getting the fucking good part with chris pine he's looking like a sex pot um he looks chris pine in this movie looks so fucking hot but it is it is fucking it is weird in these houses because they are they're very well also by the way i i wasn't the reason i had a little more nerves to it because i i'm gonna guess you didn't read the email from the airbnb people and i know that they live like three doors down so i thought maybe they came in to do something and they came they like they saw like we were using too much internet or some shit and they came and could click off the internet so that was just like oh so they'll just come in like that yeah they can just stroll in whatever they want a weird thing to do i thought it was for sure a a uh a murderer and i was just like what are you gonna do sometimes you uh go to

national for a single night and you get sliced up but that was a real uh real look in the mirror moment where you know some guys some people have a gun like in the safe near in the closet some people have a bed uh a knife or a fucking bat under the bed get up ready for action i was just like all right let's get this over with just get like right there please go ahead like i said i didn't turn around i was like i just don't want to see it coming. Yeah, I was going to have to watch you get like your head chopped off. Like I was actually envisioning like a top of an axe going through the top of your head. Splitting you this way. And like hitting me in the face with the blood and me just being like.

That sucks for you. Yeah, just be like, hang on a second. Let me just, you know, before we do this, let me get one last shot in here. It actually reminded me of, and I might have told this this story before of a poem we had to read in second grade second poem second grade it was about an after yeah like a poem an epic no no i'm saying a poem poem yeah you're saying poem poem you say poem i don't say poem i say poem no i say a poem boom yeah like it just it just is the same as home. Poem. Poem. I read this poem about home.

You all say poem? Poem? You're hitting it too hard. I don't say poem. I say poem. Poem. Poem. Poem.

Poem. Poem. Yeah. Poem. You're a poem, Pabst? Pabst is close to me. How do you betray me? Pabst's always my guy

when any idiot to back me up i know i wanted to pass you my guy now i'm realizing he's just an idiot boom anyway long island guys is like poem they said poem anyway so in second grade we had to read this poem about courage and it was this astronaut who had been lost in space and he'd like been thrown off the spacecraft and he's floating through space and he sees that he's going to hit an asteroid and the whole time and this is in second grade second grade again no second grade again and it's him just spitting slowly he can't stop his spinning and the only thing on his mind if he's gonna hit it face forward or back or backwards like a coward yeah and he's trying to get forward and and i was he wants to be a hero yeah and i was like uh just fucking i don't want to say bro i'll tell you what

i'm doing at that point i'm taking my mask off my head explode let's get this over with last thing i want to do is hit it and like not die what are you doing fucking just watching a slow car crash coming that you're in it one of my worst like uh you know worst nightmare things is i've watched like so many movies on space and a little space and stuff those scenes where like someone is working on the outside and they get like knocked away and their cord rips and they just they just flip into the abyss yeah like you're just that was a big fear yours yeah oh yeah you thought you thought you were gonna be a construction worker construction worker just drifting off because like it is weird i think melania has a bit on that like the fears we have as a kid or melania quicksand was going to be a much bigger part of my life.

Yeah, for sure. There's so many things I was scared of. You're never going to encounter that once in your life. You are far more likely to forget to look crossing the street than you are to be in a place with quicksand. Should we do top five things like that? Do we come up with enough? I don't know.

That's a lot. Yeah. That's a lot for that i mean no maybe i you know we can yeah i think i was gonna take the top five places to pee because that was a big one over the weekend um but i'm do that one okay okay okay so then in that case i'll just throw out a couple more now here you can edit that uh there's a few things that you are like yeah you have this like ultimate fear instilled in you. And my parents used to treat insulation in the attic. Oh, yeah. Like it was. That's a very good one.

Like if I touch that, I am instantly going to get cancer and die within like 24 hours. Because we obviously used to use it. We had an unfinished basement for a while. And actually, it was probably when we were finishing the basement because that's why there would be a bunch down there. To this day, it makes me like... Yeah, but we would... It didn't work on us.

We would use it for wrestling matches. Oh, my God. Now, I mean, they are correct that it's like fiberglass and it's going to get in your skin and shit, get all itchy. You would just roll around in that? It wasn't regular, but we'd play knee hockey like kind of bump each other into it oh my god it wasn't it was very rarely used as the focus yeah yeah yeah but it would be but maybe i'm

even doing this just because it's instilled like it's you know they scared me yeah the um but then they bro fucking fiberglass gets a bad rap fiberglass i mean it was in dip too like just fiberglass in there to cut your lip i don it was in dip too like just fiberglass in that to cut your lip i don't know man that's the point that's how i get the fucking nicotine i've looked at dip pretty closely i've never seen even the slightest shard of fiberglass in it that that uh that and um uh ripping the tag off of a pillow i remember being afraid of that like what happened herman or something like that yeah i was like what happens if you do that it's arrested in peewee herman for that then that's i mean the fear came from elsewhere but like that's my uh my my older cousins used to say

you've been shot with an invisible bullet you're gonna die in three days and my younger cousin than me on a different side of the family like ran to his parents were like they shot me with the invisible bullet i'm gonna die that one's dumb yeah i was like so here's the thing you're not gonna die you're stupid you you were dumb maybe crossing the street one day uh running over a uh fucking um bees nest in a lawnmower oh that seems absolutely horrifying yeah never gonna happen i didn't even have a lawnmower it was it was a physical impossibility but it was something i thought about it like happened to my uncle or something like that oh and or like my friend's dad yeah it was like kind of my uncle one of those weird things right and uh and for some reason that

always scared me after that so i was very thankful that my grandfather the psychopath that he was would make me cut his lawn with one of those fucking things which is like butter knives churning up the grass and then i had to go rake it all up he's a lunatic i mean you run over a fucking bee and that's with that that's not great either no that but i think that would probably i probably wouldn't get over so the bee's nest was, I think when it happened to him, it was like slightly underground. But that wouldn't really work because the blades wouldn't hit that. I don't know. I was a kid. I probably fucked the story up.

And had irrational fear for the next 30 years of my life. You know what got me when I was like a little bit older? I feel like I'm the guest on your show, by the way. Or do you feel like you're the guest on mine? Yeah, I'm on the seat like we're going to have another guest have another guest come down and I'll shift down and they sit here. I think we both feel like, yeah, just because you have a desk,

right? We need a desk. We need a desk. I'd be the host. Yeah. Uh, as I got like a little bit older, I just like never believed a condom worked.

I just was convinced I'm getting this girl pregnant every single time I had sex with her. Oh, I'd be like, I believe that with cum. Oh, I'd be like, this is that with come. Yeah. Wait, what? Which I guess is a rational fear,

but every time I will get you a girl. I know, but every time I have unprotected sex, I'm like, fuck, she's pregnant. That's pretty rational. Yeah.

It's a rational fear, but it's also not like, because she's on the pill. No, no. Okay. So here's the deal Coming in a girl who's not on the pill. No, I didn't say coming in. I said had sex. Oh, okay You sure run it back. I thought you just said coming in a girl. Maybe I made that up because I maybe I'm

I think I just said that's how it works with cum but like I may pull that on I just meant like yeah you pull Well, we know the pre comecum, it's possible, but you're right, it probably is. And then you get older and you do realize, here's the thing though, you realize when you're older that it's like hard to get pregnant, but because the world is a motherfucker, it will make the teenage kid get pregnant off the pre-cum. Yeah.

And the mom who's desperately trying to become, the woman who's desperately trying to become a mother can get loaded, can get like covered, like to the point that it's sealed up she's got one of those like mortar fucking little trowel just covering the cum in the pussy and he's like nope didn't take i have a trillion fucking sperm in here nope didn't work so it's irrational but it's kind of rational because that's how but i mean i would wear i would get dry the red box trojans the dry like i think they put like

powder on them to make them like extra dry i was so convinced that when i saw like extra thin when i saw like uh ultra thin i'd be like well that's gonna rip that's like dangerous i'm not doing that and then even when it was like lubricated i was like i don't know man this all seems like you're gonna get pregnant so i I had come on the outside I I had I would wear a regular thickness No lube red Trojan condom and I would pull out With the condom on and I'd still be like, I don't know the girl come for a long This the box no, cuz that ENC is like some new shit like this was just the yeah But ENC was not it didn't say that at the time for me. Maybe that's a new- whatever.

Classic reservoir tip without the lubrication. Girls were going around telling high school that you had a fucking rotten dick. Every time I fuck Kevin, I'm just raw. You think the smell is bad? Well, Kevin's throwing fucking pee pee powder on a stick in the bathroom. She will not enjoy this. That's the one. Second row to all the way to the right. That's the one.

Just fucking, just condom. It was just condom. It was the original OG. When it says trusted for over 90 years, I'm talking this was the first condom made 90 fucking years ago. No, this was made in 91. They didn't start trusting it until they got to the next version. This shit was like, I guess like allergies maybe with lubrication or something.

But like, this is fucking. The silhouette of the woman doesn't look like she's in it. That's a nightmare. It's like, this is like in it. That's a nightmare. It's like this is like some like something that didn't create for hostile That shit is so thick and bad that like when you were done. It was like a tint of yellow Like when the rubber looks yellow No, we didn't plan for this. We're guests. It was a yellow bag of rubber filled with cum.

In order to defend you. Oh, no. Shut the fuck up, dude. Let's talk about your makeup. It would smell like rubber mixed. Alright, let's now that we've I do think if I could continue on that topic for one second i do

think that would be on more on her than on you the yellow the yellow tint to it no no it's not it has nothing to do with either of us it's like the rubber was trying to think of an example where it's like uh it was just white and then it went and everything got all wet it like turned yellow it was it was it was a vile vile if we're doing a quick disgusting thing we've been doing a quick disgusting thing we've been doing a quick disgusting thing segment for 15 years dude what is your quick disgusting thing uh the uh um next up on the show disgusting thing i was sick for a while actually it's a good segue to get to jamaica i was sick for a while in jamaica and uh yesterday in the airport i was i was trying to take a shit

and uh i i ended up taking a shit next to one of the uh baggage handlers uh-huh like in a stall next to him yeah you can just tell like i didn't see the guy but i just i could tell it was new but did you see the shoes you know when you're dumping next to a blue collar yeah yeah you know they take a different kind of shit. Also, like back in the day, it used to be because you could hear a newspaper crinkling. Well, he ended up dropping. He was like, he's standing up and he ended up dropping a piece of paper that slid into under my stall. Oh, no.

And it was young. Embarrassing. And I was like, oh, my God, he just dropped the toilet paper and it flew under my stall oh no and it was embarrassing and i was like oh my god he just dropped the toilet paper and flew under oh i luckily i looked closer and actually it ended up being i could tell before i was like that's a blue collar shit and it ended up being like a tag for baggage handling you are uh you have a blue collar shit sensor congratulations john what a talent to have you show john 10 stalls with feet underneath and he'll give you like he'll go like you know eight out of ten if they're blue collar or white collar that dude

either fucking works out on the runway that dude handles the bags you can tell I can fucking hear it in them man you can hear the fucking I don't know what I can do but I can hear it dude so we uh as we like we're approaching this week, let's take care of some business here. So today's week is obviously brought to you by Whistlepig. They'll be taking care of us in the house for the foreseeable future. But today's, specifically today's episode, is brought to you by 10,000. I'm so grateful that we got into the podcast game strictly for the amount of clothes that we've gotten and the companies we've been introduced to with comfortable clothing. And this is the latest one that's joining on with KC Radio.

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you got to make sure you have the right uh pockets and the 10 000 has you covered on that so go to 10 000.cc slash kfc um what's he gonna say ah fuck it so we get to nashville last night and we're getting settled and because we're doing airbnb not a hotel there's no hotel bar there's no uh room service so we say let's go grab some snacks it's easter sunday though only thing open is going to be a gas station so we go to the gas station and we load up on um it was a tale of two men two boys really yeah yeah uh john coming off his week fucking call me a man no never never remember we used to do adolescent versus adolescent until i realized i was reverting back to an adolescent when i was like a married man we're gonna pass like ships yeah there was a close there was a close time where all of a sudden we were gonna

get to keep doing adolescence adolescence it was just gonna be a flip but no when you went to the um you went to a bachelor party and john like stayed in that weekend yeah read a book or something yeah yeah you became gay that day i'm still on there's a case we're gonna have that 600 page book by the way so yeah we we both have reverted to adolescent such as life and uh we go to the gas station and now john was coming off of a week in jamaica where if you watch the vlog we did have an adolescent adolescent moment in a way you were down in jamaica at least what you portrayed you're in jamaica you're on the beach relaxing all that shit i paid like twenty thousand dollars in taxes i fought Oh, by the way, I've won my car battle.

Oh, good for you. For all intents and purposes. I got Hyundai off my back. I returned the car and got money back somehow. Well, I know how. I already paid up front. I'll do it. But you know what?

When you get money back, like that. It doesn't matter how much you gave. That day I went to my my my i went to geico i had looked at my bank account and i knew what it was going into geico and i came back and they said you'll be getting 130 back and i was like that's a win what i didn't realize is i already spent 1300 but that day they were like we had you had this extended coverage that's up to this and then so we'll actually give you because your deposit 13 uh 130 bucks back bam got it back also pulled out one of the slickest

moves i've ever pulled the the dude was doing his lap around the car to uh to check for any bumps or anything and i i i don't know what it was i didn't have any accident of anything but there was a scrape on the uh back bumper that i don't think was there to begin with and like as we got to that spot i started chatting him up more and explaining I was like dude you wouldn't believe the situation I've had and then so and I said to him like if you know any um like I'm look I'm in the market for a new car and he just started talking to me about how enterprise sells cars and if I could get a commission and just went right around the scrapers. Like, oh, oh, oh.

But between, I was running around doing that. I had the taxes fiasco. I just had a million work things that I was doing. And John was sitting there, sitting pretty in Jamaica. Except you were not. I wasn't, it was, yeah. I had a stressful, I had a stressful last few days. I thought I was coming home to Nashville to go to the hospital because I asked, I asked one of the, I got sick and I, I don't know what it was.

Cause it was just like, I don't know. I did Google, I Googled, can you drink the water in Jamaica? And it said, yes. So I just started drinking the water. Which is fair. Like, yeah, it was like, it said in most parts and I was like, I was at a resort. So like, I was going to say you're in the clear. Also, I think a good rule of thumb, if you're Googling it, don't drink.

Yeah, I know. It's like, you don't go to like London or Paris and Google, can I drink the water? That's a good point. You know. But I was, I just got sick. And then I was like, I thought I was super sick. And I had the chills and everything. In like a video in the vlog, I'm wearing a sweatshirt on the beach.

It's like 100 degrees out. He couldn't take a shit. That's what the problem is, John. When your body is just filled to the brim with toxic waste, that's what's going on. Because I'm eating healthy and shit, I don't know. I think I just got sick. Also, sometimes it just happens. You just get sick.

In the COVID world, people don't think of that, but sometimes you just just got sick. Also, sometimes it just happens. In the COVID world, people don't think of that, but sometimes you just get fucking sick. Yeah, people get sick. You've been traveling, you're on a plane, you're drinking weird water, you can't shit, it all adds up, you get sick. But it was a journey. It was a fun trip. There was one thing I learned on the trip

and I thought about it and realized how funny it kind of was. Where my dad was complaining. We like joined a frat again so my my mom and two sisters are in paris and they're just like i don't know going to museums and shit they're having it they're just like drinking normal water pooping regularly having a culture having great meals all this new cavemen are down and you might have my brother just went to jamaica and wrestling match and joined a frat again he just like exercised and fucking drank all day and um but one time we were like we're at the bar after working out my dad saw a

story he we'd gone to work out in the morning and then he went again later it was all a whole thing and he saw stories like he's like this guy was in there just like fucking making so much noise he's grunting and this and that by the way my dad grunts louder than anybody i think everybody who everybody who's a grunter doesn't realize they're a grunter but he was like he's like and my brother goes what about headphones and my dad was like i hadn't even thought and that made me realize i'm like to work out without headphones your whole life and being like, I didn't even realize that was a thing. It's so fucking psychotic.

That's that era, right? They don't even turn to it. Exactly. I started to know more. There might be, you know, our version of that, our kids will be like, dude, why didn't you put on, like, the Oculus goggles? You could have, like, blah, blah, blah. And we'd be like, oh, fuck.

We didn't do that, you Oculus goggles? You could have blah, blah, blah. And we'd be like, oh, fuck. We didn't do that. I started thinking about it later. He started exercising at a time when people thought cigarettes were healthy. And jogging wasn't even invented yet. And Joe was like, you want to go fucking have a cigarette? And he was like, I'm just going to do push-ups to my body hurts instead.

Thank you very much. It was fucking... The thing is, that's how long someone's been exercising. We're like, we're going to go on a diet outside real quick. Rips the eaters. I'm all set. Thank you very much. That's the Herschel Walker shit. But all this is to say, so Feidelberg was not feeling well.

So when we got to the gas station, it was a tale of two men. I was like late night. I wanted like donuts and pastries and my sweet tooth fulfilled. John was on the lookout for bananas and, like, an Advil. I was just trying to get it out. Yeah, man. And we're still not totally on the clear, right? No, we're okay.

We're good. But also, if you just think about your last few weeks, like, there's probably some shit still lodged in there. You know what I mean? But I'm getting my snack on, and john's getting water and bananas and then as we're leaving we walk by and totally had missed the first time through the hot food section of this shell gas station and on the rollers there was beef hot dogs pork hot dogs uh jackie saw them they were big fat meaty skinny like with i mean not skinny like with a lot of skin on it you know uh there was a buffalo chicken taquito and uh i think it was like a stuffed dog as well a meat like stuffed dog and they're just sitting there rolling and

uh the cheese they the cheeseburger dogs I didn't even look at them dude that was that was all the gross things I've ever done in my life that was the gross thing I've ever done you said that like so what about the cheeseburger dogs the grossest shit I've done in my life

was when we first got to barcelona hq and I had a work wife and we had a little prank game we play where we'd hide it's so cute it's so cute while you fuck all your co-workers it's so cute it was a work wife sitting where you eat all the time and we would hide burger dogs in each other's desks oh god it was like we moved out of that office and that's like i found like three like honestly they weren't even rotten because they were just fucking their burger dogs they'll be there till the end of time wait was this a

legitimate work wife or somebody other than fucking somebody okay i was gonna say because i was like i know one but i don't know the other okay uh that is disgusting yeah you would find you would hide hot dog like where would you hide them give me some examples just like in like a drawer or something would be pretty big yeah that's an easy tampon bag i used once hell of a move yeah you imagine you're you're running over to the bathroom you got your cramps everything's awful you got to plug your shit up with a fucking cotton ball and you open up and you see a hot dog cheeseburger bro i obviously have to rip it open to get it in there like if you can't tell if you're holding a tampon or a

cheeseburger dog that's kind of on you i'm not gonna take responsibility for that one oh man uh but so we see that we all kind of have a laugh and then john i mean i i i was so mad we didn't have a camera on us because the way you delivered this story and i think it's what we may have told before but the way you told it was so perfect uh when was this what was this? this was call it 2012-2013 Boston, Massachusetts corner of Mass Ave and Tremont 7-11, go down hungover one day get some chips, get some Gatorades all shebang, haven't eaten in a while

guess what's staring at me with lusty eyes is a buffalo chicken taquito I'm holding everything, standing there at the gate not the gate, at the cash register lusty eyes is a buffalo chicken taquito. I'm holding everything, standing there at the gate, not the gate, at the cash register, and there's a bit of a line. I got a couple bags of chips, a couple Doritos, a couple Gatorades, and

I'm holding the taquito, and just me and her just fucking eye-banging each other. I was like, you know what, I'm just gonna do it. You're like Tim Robinson eating the hot dog out of the fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna do it. You're like Tim Robinson eating the hot dog out of the fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just, like, standing in line, eating it,

eating it as I move up, move up. Let's call it a grand total of three minutes from consumption to payment to get to the door. In those three minutes, it went through my entire digestive system. I shit my pants before I got out of the building.

You picked out eight paid, consumed, and shit before you left the door. I really didn't live far. I lived at 792 Tremont, I think it was. I had to fucking... Pinched it off. I pinched it and it's going back

just like that you imagine seeing someone it wasn't it wasn't super close it was like a block so it's not like that's a long time to waddle it's not like this door yeah yeah yeah it was like dude i feel uncomfortable if you're like if you're like waddling from like the toilet to the shower if you have something you know what i mean there's been timesling from the toilet to the shower if you have some mishap. There's been times where if the toilet paper's across the bathroom, I'm kind of like, oh, I don't like this. If you're out in public, a block is a fucking eternity.

But the way he said it too, I was like, oh, he didn't even look at the hot dogs. He was like, oh, do they have any of those taquitos? I once ate one of those and shit my pants before I hit the door. And it was just the way it came out. Before I got hands of metal metal just fucking and you got pooped pants did you say you like locked eyes in the cashier or something yeah we're doing this like they knew yeah i can't believe i can't believe that whether you're in this was a shell but of course like

the infamous wawas and sheets and circle k's and all those things that there's enough of a demand for those oh yeah they're delicious yeah it's a really good snack i need i need the fuck i want right now uh send jackie to get something i didn't say but wait but wait speaking of jackie and speaking of that trip we learned something even better on that trip. Dude, this is one of the more wacky Jacky things. We need a segment called Wacky Jacky. I also think we should do baseball. You have to come on camera.

I think we should do baseball. Oh, you got one on you. Oh, perfect. Baseball three-run Jack is pretty funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We might make you do jacked up for baseball. I, no. I'm done with sports.

No, now you're definitely in. I think just every now and then do a three run jack what do you mean it'll just be called jacked up we'll call it three run jack like when the Mets play the Yankees or something like that you have to do a little baseball I'm just telling you I'm your boss

this is not negotiated Jackie was how did this come up oh she had claritin and I said like oh are your allergies acting up because i think it's like a bad allergy year she was like well no but yeah because i got what'd you get because i got just yeah i got start at the beginning start for me okay i wanted to look like a baddie so i got that was the perfect start in the beginning naturally wanted to look like a baddie yeah

you're going to nashville time to look like a baddie oh yeah i got a spray tan i got nails baddie right but i know that i'm allergic to dip dye nails so i specifically asked a person put on um acrylics you guys know obviously no but i do i've always i've never heard of dip dye but i know acrylics is like kind of like the standard right yeah yeah but then there's dip dye there's tip extensions obviously and then dip dye sure you get the whole deal yeah so i and i said to the person i said don't do dip dye because i'm allergic and i will break out in hives and then i'm talking and then they did dip dye and i'm looking over and they were they were all dipped and died and so then so then i tell the person i was like oh i'm i'm allergic so i can't do dip dye like i said before because you're like halfway through right because i was halfway through and they were

like sorry and then i was like okay that is so crazy that is such a final bird you just let him dip down your other hand i just let him dip down and i knew and i was just like you win some you lose some and today i'm gonna lose something i knew i was gonna break on hives and i'm in the midst of hives but you're a baddie but i'm a baddie like i did notice your nails you look like a baddie you got baddie nails but like the thing is like you you win some and you lose some but also sometimes you can lose like half of some and put an end to it and not just let them finish off putting poison into your body yes i should have done that technically but i but i was just like it's going to take a while

and I don't you win some you lose some and sometimes you have to take it out so if you had taken the dip die off right there I would have been fine best in the business nobody better so it would

have taken you longer like this wasn't it would have been like 20 minutes more that's like a lot but then but then so then i was like i was like i'm in this hole because i i was listening to this podcast right and it's like your your body is just like what your mind is like you're true like your mind like then i was just like i'm just gonna tell myself like i'm just not gonna break out in hives like hives is a mindset and i'm just not gonna get to that so i told myself i kept being like we're not gonna break on knives we're not breaking on knives and then i broke right out in hives i do kind of believe my neck is so fat but uh because you're touching and scratching because i'm scratching so stop i'm watching you do it right now you're like oh my god my neck is so you're just doing more stop because i'm i'm

breaking out in high i'm getting the whole worship i know listen to the story you're gonna make it worse oh okay but i can't like not put some gloves on or something we'll get some trojan we'll go to like a cowboy cowgirl store and i'm sure they have like rhinestone gloves with like the tassels and you can rock those i like that kind of covers up your baddie nails and defeats the purpose but you'll be a national baddie yeah yeah yeah okay anyways that's you are by the way you guys went and got those at what like 10 o'clock last night? A little later, but yeah. She'd been breaking out before we got on the plane.

Yeah, I'm sure it's been an all-day thing. She was eating it all fucking day. Yeah, you're allergic like that. She's like, at some point... I mean... The reaction... You've been having an allergic reaction all day. I mean, the reaction. You've been having an allergic reaction all day.

You're goddamn right. Shake that brain and donate it to science one day. It's spectacular. You guys would have done the same. I would have done the same. I would not have, but it's similar to what we always talk about. I don't know if the mic fits it up, but when you said you would not have, I let out just the

simplest little moan. I was like, oh, we're all the same boat, but alright. No, I draw the line at allergic outbreak that I can stop. Because I was going to say, it's very similar to when we always talk about when we get a bad haircut and we're like, yep, thank you. Here's your tip. But that's, you can't like, once she's gone

and like half your hair is gone, you're like, well, we have to even it out. But if there was a way to stop that in the middle somehow, I probably would. If there was a way to stop me from getting literally making my fingertips poison bombs to put all over my body. I gonna be able to will it my body to not well i do i do believe in that yes but i don't believe you can do it you don't have the money i don't think any

of us can do it i think that only like i did it just last night i came downstairs you watched me do it i did i did i did i came downstairs i'm tired of being sick so just you know i've decided i'm getting better and i woke up in the morning felt like a million bucks well it was a it was a change in mindset where he was just deciding like i am going to be happy and not sick and not but here's the thing i think that there is levels to a who can overcome and what they can overcome yeah so like you are able to just be like i'm feeling yeah ick but i'm gonna overcome that stopping an allergic reaction which your body is like planned to do i think you need to be like a shaman you got to be like a woman said that yoga you gotta be sting only sting can do that i would think allergies are pretty bottom of the barrel

overcome you think so yeah some of them i do i think i fucking when people like allergies made up by dads who don't want dogs that kind of stuff when people are like oh uh you know there's i'm allergic to pollen it's like we're all allergic to pollen shut the fuck up some some dad didn't want a dog 70 years ago made up a lie that he's allergic now kids are allergic to peanuts yeah it's the that's the you know that's the mindset butterfly you know that is john that's the meme with the dominoes that's that's the jesus to uh mark we have we have referenced that meme 25 episodes in a row but the fact that mark ruffalo should drop down to his knees and thank jesus christ not for the salvation but for the off for the oscar yeah That's incredible. Jesus didn't die on the cross.

Mark Ruffalo doesn't get an Oscar. Yo, I had to... Spotlight. Spotlight. I had to... Oh, can I get a water, by the way? I missed that part. Bring four, actually. I was out of the studio for that part of the podcast last week, so when I saw that meme go live,

I was like, what? I'm like, Zach, why are you tweeting fucking the word rape all over Twitter? I was surprised, Zach, why are you tweeting the word rape all over our Twitter? I was surprised to see the word. The hard R. He started out, but it was still like, even with the, it was like, ooh, yeah. I was like, we're just raping the same meme.

We are going somewhere. But then again, we're just stating facts. It wasn't our fault. That was one of the most logical things I've ever fucking heard. Because of Easter, I had to have the death... Wait, wait, I'm sorry. Can I interrupt that real quick? Yeah.

I guess, actually, now your segue makes better sense. I had something real quick I wanted to say, but what were yours? Say it. I just want to defend Prince Andrew real quick. No, your segue makes sense. I'll tell you what, I think yours, I don't think there's any segue in the world that could make sense of yours. So let's go. It was just, it's a very quick thing.

I saw the Daily Mail tweet an article the other day about how Prince Andrew was, he went on some, it was called a bombshell. Bombshell report that one day, one time Prince Andrew went to an 1100 acre farm, estate, whatever for vacation and just stayed in a room and masturbated for two days straight. And I just want to say

that part's okay. There are other things Prince Andrew did that I vehemently disagree with. I think that sounds like a nice weekend. If it wasn't for the rape, he'd be my hero. That's the kind of behavior I want. I want to get to a point where I'm

rich enough that I can go to a 1300 acre farm for vacation. And see a 12 by 6 room. And confident enough to be like I don't want to go horse to be like I don't want to go horseback riding, I don't want to do outdoors stuff

I just want to jerk off in this room and it was back in the day too, so it was the cable porn, I don't even know what that means like the Spice Channel? I guess I believe the exact thing was, yeah watching porn on a cable TV oh my god but like this right here

stay in a VIP suite alone for two days to watch porn on a cable TV and it says like bombshell report there's a lot of bombshell reports on Prince Andrew this one doesn't really fall into bombshell report Prince Andrew behaves like every guy on vacation wants to behave always an over sexed boob

ogling adolescent you know some things don't leave our body yeah that's like that's who we are from fucking 13 to 113 that's kind of who we are some people control it better than others you know i would say prince andrew is on the other end of the spectrum of handling it you know but like when you go on these vacations he should have gone on this vacation a billion times. And then he'd be fine. And then he'd be fine. Right. But he went on this vacation once, people called him weird, he's like, I gotta do something else!

Alright, if you're gonna call me an over-sexed boobo- I was like, what you doing in the room? Bring in a 14 year old then! I won't be alone in the 12 by 6 room. I'll have a companion. Is that better now? Are you guys happy now, Daily are you happy queen grandma does this make sense grandma you happy I'm picturing him like the fucking kid in wedding cratchits

will this make you love me will this make you love me it was a gift what was his name? Todd? Is it Todd? Yes, classic character. I want to be at the point where I can go on a vacation like that and be like, I'm doing what I want to do. Whistle Pig was awesome. I'm wearing the Whistle Pig. Whistle Pig, I mean, I got the slippers on because when you go to the Whistle Pig

farm, they're just like you want to do activities or not like you can just hang out and chill you don't have to do a fucking thing and i was like yes that's where i want my vacation to be i brought my whistle pig slippers too hell yeah they're amazing i thought that was we said some more no these are the ones i like from our first trip wow uh because i was like i just wanted to eat like gourmet food and you know if I could have if I was all alone I would have masturbated in a 12x6 room it would have been like do you want to go like snowmobile no no no I won't do it I'll do this you got a cable TV pop that in here give me the spice channel and we are good

pop that in here put the dude on the stirrup tag on the door on your way out thank you very much I'll see you in checkout anyway what was your thing about well your segue was good mine mine's about my children so you know okay so we'll do an ad read i had to have the uh the death and afterlife talk with shay which is something i've been wanting to put off for a long fucking time right i was like fuck this i would not be talking about it if we didn't have this dumb which is something I've been wanting to put off for a long fucking time. Religion is so dumb. It brings us to the most awkward subject. Right. I was like, fuck this.

I would not be talking about it if we didn't have this dumb goddamn holiday. I could just do Sunday instead of have deep conversations with my daughter today. It started, I think, last podcast. I mentioned that Shay said to me, do you think you're still on the cross? Yeah, I did. And I was like, this fucking world where we teach these kids right right away that homeboy was nailed to a cross and stabbed in the gut and bled out for days and all that shit a lot of blood a lot of blood you know aspirated everywhere the sharp crown yeah the whole nine so she says to me i can't remember exactly how it started

but um i think she said where is jesus now like she was like jesus jesus is like he rose right she like knew the word rose but didn't really and she was like so where is he and i was like oh well now he's in heaven and she was like what i was like yeah well and died and then came back and then went to heaven but she was like what's heaven she started asking me that so i'm like heaven is the best place in the world i guess it's not totally in the world but i was gonna correct you i was like it's the best place i did the six-year-old body didn't catch it but i got it but she kind of did in the sense in the sense that like i so i said to her the best place i said if you wanted a new makeup kit you just think of it

and it appears you want to hang out with all your friends and family. I love that that was your first go-to. Yeah because that's what she wants right now right and and like I said like your friends and family are there and like everything's a trampoline and a party or whatever and she was like what I quote I tweeted it from my Twitter because it was the way she said it was like it was so perfect because she's thinking this is like a place that you can just kind of go to, you know? And I'm sitting here trying to explain it's actually like if you're lucky when you die is the made-up fucking story. She wanted to go to the mall? Yes. So she goes um where is it

she goes so wait if i'm in heaven and i just wish for makeup it appears and i said yeah and she goes oh my gosh heaven is the best and i was like yeah no heaven's dope pretty cool i was like but you only go there once you know know, like you get one shot. And that's what was not getting through. I was like, she goes, so, um, like, when did you go to heaven? And I was like, I didn't go to heaven. Cause once you go to heaven, you never come back. And she was like, you're there forever. And I was like, yeah.

She was like, that started to freak her out a little bit. And I had to basically, I was just skipping over the death, dead part. You die. Your body gasps for air as you're probably yourself. I was just skipping over the death part. You die. Your body gasps for air. You probably shit yourself. You shit yourself while you desperately want to breathe another breath. While you want to live one more day

and beat another beat and your body gives out on you and you shit yourself and you die and your loved ones are crushed. Then you have it. Then you get all the makeup you want. God, I don't want to be doing this at all. All you have to do is sacrifice yourself.

But somebody said to me, you're being a bad dad. And I was like, fuck you. What the fuck am I supposed to do here? Am I supposed to tell her the truth? Somebody was like, that's why you shouldn't get her hopes up. Do you want me to tell a six-year-old that we're just like a carbon-based life form that expires at a certain part and then it's eternal blackness forever? That's why you shouldn't get her hopes up you want me to tell a six-year-old that we're just like a carbon-based life form that expires at a certain part and then it's

eternal blackness forever that's why you shouldn't get her that's why you shouldn't get that six-year-old hopes up let them know what it is from the jump eventually you're gonna die like a like a worm in the dirt that's it what do you what do you think you think you're gonna enjoy any second of this you're fucking idiot like come on man another one another one was like you You think you're going to enjoy any second of this, you fucking idiot? Like, come on, man. Another one was like... If your fucking parenting style was don't let them get their hopes up, you're raising school shooters exclusively. It's so true.

Don't worry, honey. You're going to go to heaven soon when you do suicide by cop at middle school tomorrow. Dude, it is so true don't worry honey you're gonna go to heaven soon when you do suicide by cop at middle school tomorrow dude it is it is very funny you say because we were talking about today you saying that like all she wants is makeup yeah because like that shit it is dude it's so like i i two of my best friends have sons now and they're like two and three or whatever. They're crazy young. They're two of the most progressive people I know. They're like, dude, if he wants to be a ballerina, he can be a ballerina. He can do whatever

the fuck he wants. We don't give a shit. Both of these kids come in the room and they're just like, where are the trucks? It's weird. Some things are fucking... I played trucks with them for like 6 hours they love it you wanna play trucks?

what does play trucks even mean? but yeah let's do it when Keegan was first old enough to start to do things he had an older sister so he just fell in line and he was wearing dresses and high heels and shit and right away I have family members being like oh my god he he's gay.

We gotta figure out how to raise him. I was like, what do you want to put him in? Conversion therapy? What are you talking about? But I was kind of like, first of all, relax because he's two. Second of all, if he is, all good. And then, a year later, once he was old enough to make his own

decisions, trucks, weapons, destruction. And Shay, meanwhile, is like a year later once he was old enough to kind of make his own decisions trucks fucking weapons like destruction like it and and shay meanwhile is like you know uh like combing the horse's mane you know and like some things man i don't know i don't know what's what but i'm telling you certain things in certain people are just in their dna like a guy that boy is a boy by our standards and that girl is a girl. And yeah, he sometimes wears his sister's Uggs to school. Whatever.

No big deal. But when he comes home, he wants to... I actually have to... I'm enforcing a rule and I catch him doing it every time. He's fucking nasty at Minecraft and I don't know how Minecraft works. I don't know what it is. I don't know what the point of it is. I don't know how to do it. don't know what it is. I don't know what the point of it is. I don't know how to do it. I can't.

So I can't like police it. You know, all I know is that I keep catching him fucking slaughtering pigs and cows. And I yell at him. I go, what's that one rule? And he goes, no killing animals. Because I'm like, I don't know what you're doing right now, but you shouldn't be just killing unsuspecting cows and pigs. And so that's a thing.

Like kids do that. Yeah. My little brother brother yeah too he used to bury them alive yeah see i'm a little worried your brother is a school shooter in training right now i i mean i i tell him could uh you know i'm gonna give him his password to our Twitch channel, but maybe not. Not good. Good pub. My sister, his sister, so Shay even yells, I was like, what are the rules? And he was like, no killing animals. I was like, okay, yeah, what are you allowed to do? And Shay's like, kill zombies and bad guys. And she rattles off all the things that are the bad guys on the show.

And I was like this is so this is what it's going to be good kid bad kid she's going to follow the rules he's not it's going to be an absolute fucking nightmare let's just get this over with now but the Easter thing my kids were like insatiable

on Easter with the fun and the events yeah insatiable is a porn word now because of Asa? Porn word. Because of Asa or just because you have an insatiable sex drive? No, they've done it with a bunch of porn stars. I think Asa did the first insatiable. That was a ton of insatiables.

And also, when I read it, Asa's like, I learned the word. I didn't know what insatiable meant. Until I was like, I'm googling. What is it like when you can't stop fucking people? And you say you have an insatiable sex drive. I wasn't goog what asexual meant. Until I was like, I'm Googling. What is it like when you can't stop fucking people? And you say you have an asexual sex drive. I wasn't Googling the definition. I was just Googling scenes.

And I gathered it. I put it together. Well, I had to. I brought them over to my mom's house. We're like, oh, the Easter Bunny came to grandma's. And they opened up their Easter baskets. And they did a little egg hunt. And they were kind of like cool.

That was cool. I was like, fuck. So then I had to, I ran around collecting the eggs that they had already collected, went back outside and hid them in the backyard and wrote another fake note from the Easter bunny. Fill them with more candy. Huh? Fill them with more candy. Fill them with coins actually. They've been doing it. They're on a money

kick right now. Like that. And they keep going, I'm rich! I'm rich! And i was like look they'll come back around the candy one day don't worry everything goes full circle i had to write another note from the easter bunny and i was like kids there's there's more there's more eggs in the in the backyard and then i wrote another one while they're in the backyard i was hiding more in the front yard because these kids were just like not impressed enough with my Easter effort. Like, fuck, this whole thing is stupid. The whole concept of Easter, whether it's religious or the fun part of it.

Easter sucks, man. It is. It's it's also now it's become like I can't I don't even know why people use Instagram anymore. I don't know why people use any social media anymore. I'm off it. I'm done with it. That's good. We don't even know why people use Instagram anymore. I don't know why people use any social media anymore. I'm off it. I'm done with it. That's good. We don't need that or anything.

But the, the, I mean, all Instagram is, is like, it's just, it, both Twitter and Instagram are just quick ways to ruin something you enjoy or,

or not enjoy. But like, if you like looking at pictures of like families and Easter outfits, spend three minutes on Instagram. You'll be sick of it and you'll never want to do it again yeah if you like a certain like meme trend such as i guess if we were doing like gifts or whatever of what uh just walk out of tune yeah yeah there were a bunch of different examples of it it was like what if it was you were the first one i saw the uh mike's on and then there was some gifts and then there was like basketball

announcers calling it yeah and like by then i was like i'm done you guys beat the joke to shit did you did you see the joke the the joke yeah the the fucking what do you call it template the template of the joke right so you're like all right this is what the whole day is i'm done the the one guy the the skateboard one i saw was unbelievable it was like uh can you go to my twitter and uh pull it up i like quote i like posted the i quote tweeted it with the original tweet because some guy said if if jesus if you were jesus stepping out of the tomb like how would how would you have done it oh yeah and it was this yeah that was one of the ones this uh this skater was where was it i guess it was a little before that no because i had quotes we did search like uh search tomb quote control f tomb

yeah so click that one teach your man let's go up up nope how fucking awesome is that how fucking incredible is that that dismount off the fucking half pipe i was like this one i was gonna try to come up with one i was like nope that's it that's what people need to learn what what you are talking about why it gets ruined is because not enough people look at a template a a viral thread uh a meme whatever you want to call that and they like that's there was a couple other funny ones like those are all better than what i'm going to come up with yeah and now i'm almost like poisoned by theirs like i'm thinking of like what are other skateboarding no it's just done unless you had something really fucking funny and it killed it

just be a spectator you don't have to you can be a spectator in life you don't have to be a spectator. You don't have to... You can be a spectator in life. You don't have to be a competitor, a contributor. That's what I've... To the world. I've started with it. Social media, but also everything. Sometimes you can just be a spectator. My Twitter is... I don't know if it's new Twitter.

My Twitter is just weird now. But I could not go on Twitter for two hours, and then if I refresh it, it just shows me like 20 tweets, and then I'm back to where I left it. So I don't spend much time on it anymore. But I was doing that exact... i was having that exact thought yesterday so i was at the airport bar delta lounge yeah i got a platinum card whatever and uh it actually sucks in atlanta it sucks yeah it was but i'm sitting at the bar drinking water eating tomato soup trying to poop

and i was watching i just like to check Jackie's face and I was watching the Celtics game and there were a bunch of times where I wanted to be like whoa, holy shit there's no fucking need to do that no, I know it just comes a fee to be like holy shit, holy shit

why does your input matter that much? I like to do it with Liverpool because it's funny where I just tweet a solid gif or something like that but like you don't need to comment on every fucking thing every goal well that was crazy what I like actually

for the Mets podcast we like snake some shit we like went in, now that you can do Twitter communities we just made New York Mets the community. Oh, really? So it's just technically like under our control. It's just called New York Mets. That's it.

Yeah. So we have like 5,000 members in it already. But that, I can send my tweets to just that timeline. Because that is where I do want to just be like, that ball was outside. But I don't want everybody's, like that's so annoying for the timeline

to just see you live tweet like every aspect of what you were watching but in general also the idea of like i need to contribute to every single thing and not just consume is the problem it's like you're not that funny or that important so and you don't need to come in and ruin the joke just let the there's a there's a bunch that have 50,000 retweets already. Those are the funny ones. Let that fucking be, man. But yeah, that, especially the like, no way!

Let's go! How about this? I'll retweet the winning play forever, because that's what people are looking for, people who aren't watching. They want to know the score. They want to know what's happening. No way what?

No way what? I'll just retweet the play. How about that? Yeah, for sure, man. But what was the tweet you saw explaining Easter? want to know what's happening right no wait what no wait let's retweet the play yeah yeah yeah for sure man but the the what was the tweet you saw explaining easter because that was why we started talking about this how just stupid easter is yeah you told me last night oh oh it was it was this was funny where it was it was like these are my this is my favorite template of tweet by the way conversation yeah where it's like and it's it, Jesus, when I come back, make sure

there are eggs. Apostles, what? Jesus. And I don't want to be able to see them. Apostles, what? Bunny, I'll help hide. Apostles, what? Like, what? You can do that with every holiday, like, why?

But the idea thatesus is coming from the dead for our sins but we'll also have an oversized bunny who hides things what at least actually can we can you google that real quick like origin of easter bunny you gotta you gotta tip your cap to uh you know i guess i get it's kind of like a rob manfred thing where he i i don't think people are the the uh old heads and i don't think really the young heads either are happy with what he's doing no but he is making attempts to get a little younger yeah and the little party's got to respect that a lot of it's right like i actually just saw a clip today uh of i think it was a worcester socks game or might

have been important sea dogs game um and it was fucking, I'm forgetting his name, but the Sox prospect, Hernandez, got two strikeouts in the inning. Both of them, he only threw two strikes. Or he actually struck outside, but in two of the strikeouts, he only threw two strikes. Two, because there is a, you have to be ready. It's one of those things where they're testing out the rule to see if they're going to get to the MLB.

But you have to be ready to bat with nine seconds left on the pitch clock. Both times they weren't. And that, you get enforced a strike? It's enforced a strike, yeah. He threw two and the third one was the first one. The second strike, I think, is bad. So some dude's sitting there, yeah, and they're just like, strike.

The un-credited strike. I do kind of like, I mean, it's annoying, i mean let's fucking go here you know uh have you seen the savannah bananas too much for me oh no i need more well it depends i haven't seen everything the flaming bat i saw but then i looked at their page i didn't see the stilts there's a guy pitching on stilts he's 13 feet tall and he's pitching he throws over the plate he throws like a fucking like a real like a regular pitch he's huge and he's like i went to their page recently for something and like the pin tweet was or maybe it wasn't the pin tweet the pin tweet was a flaming bat still and it was i scrolled down a bit and it was like a guy doing a ballerina dance to the

plate yeah that that i was like look at this bro bro go back go to the top it was the top watch him come out of the dugout what the fuck this is him batting which is just what what so how is he even gonna fucking like what are we I so he just throws it super high he throws it like like it's and then he came in and pitched yesterday. Go to the top one. Scroll up. But now is this... When he comes out of the dugout, it's incredible. Go all the way to the very top.

There was him coming out. Yeah, this one. Just like when he steps out, it's so fucking good. I can see this being a fun experience at the game I don't know if I'd love watching I could get a kick out of this all day long the clips are funny can you see when he's pitching

he throws it over the plate, he gets it out and then just walks his way back the flaming bat was a little bit of a obviously a little gimmick are they like actual baseball players? are they working towards? They're like, I think they're like. They're more self-aware.

Yes, yes. Okay. It's North Carolina and South Carolina teams. They like are in just those two states. Or no, wait, no, because Savannah's in Georgia, right? Savannah's in Georgia. So I thought there was something about the Carolinas are like most of the teams. Could still be.

But I guess these guys are like the. They're very very talented baseball players but this is the pinnacle of their career yes yes which is I think I know this shit is like super silly obviously but like it's entertaining you know so like what's that clip there oh this is the one where you, also, if the crowd catches it, it's an out. It's a pop fly and your crowd catches it, it's an out. Yeah, yeah. Like, these are all so stupid. You need to make it entertaining. I take it back.

I was watching the Mets game the other day. Nine-inning game, Mets-Phillies, was four hours and four minutes. It started, it was a day game. And I was like off from work, but I was watching my kids and took them to the park and stuff. So I kind of consumed it on the phone and on the radio. And if you're like young and you're in college or whatever, you can kind of consume it. People at work can't do shit. But it was over

four hours and I was thinking you can do the pitch clock thing and you can do these little things. It's just not practical to do something 162 times but it's also four hours a pop. Football can be four hours because you have one a week and you have one day

where it's like I'll watch all these games, they're all four hours but this day is for you can't do i got shit to do you can't do six out of seven nights right like i got a podcast to do i got kids to watch if you want to have if you want to watch anything else it's like oh this new show is out on the metzeron for the next eight days in a row like it's just not a practical fucking piece of content yeah it was back in the 1930s when people were like do you want to go to the parade and watch people walk by or you want to like watch the game i'll watch they were also fucking six teams right right right but now it's like i can stream on twitch and make money while

i do it i can you know look at uh like all the most funny people in the world i can stream this i can watch that i like yeah i wouldn't do any of this i don't know why i do this yeah it is it is i like that i i've always so i i used to when i watched baseball a lot more i exactly like i used to be 162 when i was younger like would not miss the game five years ago i was watching 162 a year right maybe even more recently than that and it's it the pandemic took a lot out of baseball for me. I don't know why baseball specifically. I think maybe because the Sox weren't good at the time either. I think I will this year

because I seem like a fun team this year. I think I'll bounce back more. I really haven't bounced back that much. That's the main thing. The Mets right now are so fun so I'm happy to watch fucking five-hour games. Watching bad baseball now when all these options are around is not, it's not feasible. It's not reasonable to ask a young person to do that.

It's like, hey, you want to watch this shitty team who can't score any runs for your entire evening or your entire afternoon? And it's also, I think there's a thing, too, with, like, bad teams after they've given you what you wanted. Yeah, you've already won, and you, you mean, like, you've won the championship? Yeah. I'm still, like, climbing the, the, the. Like, look, I, we've been to the mountaintop. I'm not fucking. It's as good as it gets.

I've already experienced that. I'm not doing this shit with you anymore. Yeah, no, I'm with you on that. Where you're kind of like, I still need my reward. I've got my reward. What do you think is, like, the. It's literally the definition of a bandwagon fan. But that's fine.

But there's also some truth to it. Yeah. Where it's like, I'm not fucking hanging out also some truth to it. I'm not fucking... Dedicating my life. I'm not doing four hours a night when I know what it's like when it's good. Right, and I know that we're not going to score. What do you think the equivalent for... I always kind of say that reality shows are like sports for chicks, generalizing speaking.

What do you think... I think that's incorrect. I think sports are reality shows for guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's saying literally the same thing, but I think guys, I think most guys care more about the drama than they do about what's happening on the field.

Right. Dude, I went on a whole... A lot of people, like yesterday, a lot of Boston fans were fucking more jacked up about Kyrie giving the finger than they were about the Tatum game. Because those are the storylines. Exactly. What you need is a good combo where the game matters and you get the drama. Because otherwise, there's no reason to hate the player or the fan.

So you do need the sport there. But always, when you learn about the the new stars like hot girlfriend that's always a big deal when there's there's a uh like when there's a player a fan um like two players fought in the clubhouse like why when you hear that like somebody was fucking tony park brent barry fuck tony parker's wife that's like the drama that people love and that's all of just like reality shows are all the time. And people don't want to admit that. I was fighting the ocean.

I was fighting the tides on like a Friday, last Friday. I think the same day I was out with my kids. I'm sitting there on Twitter fucking people because I did a Kardashian video. And they're like, who cares? I'm like, so many people. So many fucking people care. It's just that you don't care. We've talked about that before.'s just that you don't care and we've talked about that before well i the who cares it pisses me off i don't care that's fine right and yeah and if you

want to say it sucks and you don't care fine but put some fucking ownership on that because i think way more people probably care about this it's like widespread and everyone can i i think caring about sports is the dumbest thing in the world yeah I do it, but I openly acknowledge that. People are like, well, these guys are talented, though. At what? Jumping off the ground higher than other people? Running from point A to point B faster than someone else? Carrying a ball across a painted line to score imaginary points is is is important but you know who this girl is

married to and who this guy is fucking isn't it's all just dumb forms of entertainment you just have to learn that everything in the world is stupid everything's stupid and you're you don't yuck your yuck don't yuck my yuck yeah your opinion doesn't matter your form of entertainment doesn't matter just let people like what they like and realize that none of them are better than the other. Even like politics, it's like you're arguing just like your side. It's the same thing as being like, I like the Cowboys. You like the Democrats. It's all just dumb arguments that you're doing to entertain yourself,

and you're not above anybody else who has their own version of that. So fuck you. All right, top five. Now let's get to some important things like best places to pee. Today's top five is brought to you by SimpliSafe. You can catch someone peeing in your backyard with the new SimpliSafe outdoor camera that also goes along with your indoor cameras to make sure that not only just your home but your entire property is safe so simply safe has has gone above and beyond now where you can have the motion sensors for outside when you can see people or animals or whatever that may be uh fucking with your your property they've got the inside indoor cameras all hd to make sure uh that you can keep

an eye on all the different rooms in your home and of course all the alarms and connections to the police department the fire department poison control uh you know whoever else you might need uh to make sure that your home your belongings and your loved ones are all safe now i mean i don't have any uh belongings that i care about no you can pretty much have any i don't have either so you got nothing bro i'll just i casually walk out of my house if it's on fire i mean we saw it if we if we had simply safe here we would have uh we would have known and maybe the alarms would have scared that guy off. We should have been responsible for SimpliSafe.

Instead, we were just going to wait until we got hit in the head with a hammer and died. But if we had SimpliSafe, we would have been all good because the police would have been on their way, and the sirens would have been going off, and we would have been like, go away, burglar. But we don't have SimpliSafe, so we sit here in fear, in trepidation. And you don't have simply safe so we sit here in fear in trepidation and uh you don't have to do that make sure that you keep everything safe and sound with simply safe.com uh it's s-i-m-p-l-i safe.com uh slash kfc radio and you can get the free indoor security camera plus 20% of 20% off the interactive monitoring package that's simply safe.com slash KFC radio for a free HD camera and 20% off the interactive monitoring top five places to be which got the people going very very I I just kind of tuned in I didn't I knew this was gonna be a top five so I didn't want to see. I didn't want to be poisoned by the well.

I don't know. But people were riled up, huh? Yeah, people. And this is when Twitter's at its best. Which is a stupid thing like this? Yes. And that's why. Everyone agrees it's stupid.

I want Elon to buy it, and I want to go back to the good old days where it was just like i used to do with emtc where it was like let's pick a an on purpose irrational take and let's have some fucking fun with it and argue it like it really matters and like the best places to pee there's a clear one and it feels like i'm gonna get it because you pointed at me yeah you can pick backyard yeah just now does that just mean the outdoor or outdoors outdoors but like backyard in particular is pretty good because there's a little naughtiness to it backyard's like fucking secretary you're like i there's this is like a porn category there's some fucking places i'm supposed to pick right there's some fucking people i'm supposed to okay now here's my question there's

a fuck yeah i got a wife at home but i like my little tree that's been antagonizing that dirty tree is gonna get a little a little dirty a little water sports it is it's salacious peeing in the own vacuum okay so do you do you like the the naughtiness the taboo up here or do you like the feeling of just the blowing in the wind it's both because when you get it on like a on a right day it was yeah you know it's it's it's blowing in the wind is good i think probably you're not tightening up and your dick's flopping in the wind bro i'm gonna say some shit right now it only happened once but i used to do it a lot there were a lot of opportunities for it

um so because i stay up late so when i was living at home my parents be like you go to bed make sure you take the dog out first. Gotcha. I would drink a lot of water so I could pee outside with her. That's not bad. Is that what you were going to say? Or did it get worse? One time she ran under. You pissed on your own dog.

Just a stripe right in the back. Two gangsters just in the backyard fucking having a cross stream yeah yeah she'd be squatting over here i'd be like fucking that's right baby and then one time she finished and like saw a squirrel or something yeah so i kind of peed on my dog once no one tell my parents sister brother uh this is places places to pee not like time, like best piss are we doing best pees? I would say places I'm going to go with the undisputed king

for me and all other honest people out there the pool peeing in the pool is cool and it's what you do and it doesn't matter you're in like 10,000 gallons of water, and you're going to put a little drip drop in there, and it doesn't really fucking matter. So get off your high horse if you are A.

No, I'm not even going to say A or B. It's just you're a liar because I know you're doing it. I know you're doing it. And if you're – I swear to God, if you are a person that is like oh wait a minute yep gotta pee let me swim over to the fucking ladder get out of those steps and walk somewhere with your fucking trapes in the water everywhere you're soaking wet anyway to then get to a urinal or a toilet especially if you're a chick you're in a one piece you're taking that thing down you're gonna sit there and pee and then waddle your wet get the fuck out of you if you're one of those people i don't want to know you as a

person i don't trust you i don't i can't your your logic is flawed i don't want to know your your decision making process you are a fucking wacko just pee in the fucking pool with everybody else be in the pool of a child yes um but you know what i like to do sometimes in the pool poop no but you ever maybe maybe you've been drinking all day in the sun you're a little dehydrated maybe you took some vitamins that morning but you ever have kind of a yellow pee and if you force it out hard enough and you look down you can see it coming out of your bathing suit yeah oh yeah yeah but that's classic but then i kind of like like this because i don't want people to see the pee cloud you know what i mean you feel like you're coming out of your bathing suit? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Funny stuff. But then I kind of like this because I don't want people

to see the pee cloud. You know what I mean? You feel like you're pissing like gaseous poison. Yeah. It's like... I'm a superhero. Yeah, it's like you're a villain.

You're like... It's like when you're in the shower and you let the water run down your dick tip and your fingertips. You're like, look at me. I'm Waterman. Yeah, yeah. Waterman.

I've still... When I've been saying kid it took me a lot of showers to figure out the from the first time i noticed it to when i stopped to when i was like oh wait it's just the water running down yeah yeah you thought you're yeah it wasn't the first time too many i don't know anything over one is too many for you to think you were actually why is it just dumped out of my fingertips right now? I think that they should if they haven't, they should invent the purple chlorine thing. And just have, like,

you finally catch someone? Yeah, I think that should be real. Or, like, a way to prank somebody. Like, if you want to fuck with your buddy, there's, like, a little, like, bath bomb. You can just put, like, a little purple tablet in there. Yeah, it's going to be real small, but a little something. Oh, you know what I would do would do oh we need prank bathing suits that like whatever's on there all of a sudden just like the purple comes out of it but yeah man like here's a new bathing

suit and then you go in the pool like i did it but some way to actually make the purple what a great lie unless an unnecessary one because who cares at the end of the day peeing in the pool is okay but some like camp counselor out there came up with that lie to make sure that his kids weren't all peeing in the pool no that was dad that wasn't a camp counselor but i i yeah probably but i will say as much as i'm like yeah you can pee in the pool the thought of like at camp or a class or a birthday party when there's just like 50 kids in like a relatively small pool and they're all peeing you probably do affect the water yeah it probably does get kind of gross so whatever whoever there are some places like you see like the wave pools in china

like that you can't that's that's that's a that's a pool of piss but yeah i mean at that point the pendulum goes the other way and it's like whatever you might as well shit then to start coming shitting this whole thing is disgusting have you ever peed into a pool not in a pool like standing standing outside i have not done not that much of an animal so my friends uh in high school it was our last day they just stopped going to class and walked around we're all on swimming and they fucking hated it so they just went and took a ripped a piss right right into the pool i've heard stories of uh of like people telling their kids like it's okay like go pee in the pool and they do that yeah they stand there and pee in it it's great good good clean fun disgusting it's actually dirty fun whatever but pee is sterile so anyway number two

the full-size urinal the pitch like up to your yeah yeah yeah the floor to the neck yeah totally unnecessary but but good it's it's only in classy establishments so you know you're having a nice dinner if you're taking that piss second of all part of the best part of peeing outside is just the freedom to put it anywhere yes and with that you rarely there are very few places in the world where you get the piss and point it up yeah you get the piss and point it up there and successfully like you know what i mean you can do it whenever you want but it'll go everywhere and go everywhere. And you can kind of make it like your own little waterfall. Yeah. You'll piss the top and it comes down.

You can paint the whole fucking wall with it. You know what's funny? The best place to pee is if we have a lot of surface area. If you're peeing, if you got top to bottom, right? You're just peeing down. If you're just peeing down, right? Theoretically, the extra like three, four feet bottom right you're just peeing down if you're just peeing down right theoretically that the the

extra like three four feet just don't mean anything right yeah but if it were only like a foot high you'd be like this is i'm gonna piss in this you know what i mean it would it would fuck with your mind yeah they can in the toilet you know uh number two for me is the shower the shower pee also another thing i think we have progressed enough as as a society to be unafraid to proclaim that you pee in the shower but there are still chicks out there i think who are like i don't watch porn and i don't pee in the pool and i don't pee in the shower and it's like you're a fucking liar i haven't hung out with any of those girls since high school yeah yeah like if you if you if you're a girl or a guy but if you're

a person that claims they don't pee in the shower get out of my life get out of my life that's just that's just an unnecessary lie like you a you're lying for no reason b i can tell that that means you think you're better than me you think you're better than me because i pee in the pool in the shower and you don't you're not that was the shower is a crazy one to not admit i mean it's it's what am i doing like riding the pipes don't be an idiot there's there's literally nothing wrong with being in the shower yeah the what is a joke i'm sure i've told this podcast before but one of the funniest things i ever heard in my life was uh this is when i was in like

college i was dating a girl and she it was like a shore house kind of deal and uh she's like i'm gonna take a shower real quick and my buddy just very casually i think we laguna beach on tv very casually goes uh hey make sure you don't slip because you'll get pregnant and the way he said it was so goddamn fucking funny and it's like yeah guess what sometimes we come in the shower too there's just a pipe and a hole right it's it's the easiest place to do i don't have to unbutton anything i don't have to flush anything i don't have to zip anything i don't have to what i don't even call what you call a belt what do you call what do you fasten your belt fasten the belt yep i do nothing it's yeah just comes out and you're

done you can get out of the shower you blow your nose you can do all that pissing the shower is one i've pissed into before yeah yeah yeah just stand on the outside yeah yeah dude i try to hit the hole pretty convinced i had a childhood shower i ruined yeah why i i just got super rusty i thought we just said that we don't we're not concerned well i wouldn't like there would be no flushing or anything oh so it would just be straight urine yeah and like i i think you're fine to be honest but i do get what you're saying it's like i i don't know the science but there's there could be very sound science that proves i didn't right but when it happened when i was younger we had to get a new shower i was like that was my fault you're up the um

uh the urinal full of ice i don't know exactly what it is i don't know i don't know no not okay urinal full eyes got it the i love that because it feels like cleaner it feels like uh like it's not gonna smell as much and like the ice kind of like you melt the ice first of all it's fun to melt the ice you see how high it gives you a little game yeah yeah yeah but now here's the thing i'm to say something. It might be still one of your answers because this was a popular comeback to me. Despite liking the ice, there are two things I dislike. Flashback?

One. No, no, no, no. Two other places I dislike. One is the urinal, which I feel like is always at airports. They put a little fly in it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not about that. Every time I think it's a real fucking fly. Yeah. And every time I feel like is always at airports. They put a little fly in it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not about that. Every time I think it's a real fucking fly.

Yeah. And every time I'm like, what? That's gross. Never mind. It's just this fucking thing. Right. No. I guess it's been very strategic.

I Googled it. I guess it's been very useful in people. I mean, if you can't pee in a urinal. A urinal is an open. I have to give you a very specific target in a urinal. I can see it in a toilet. Yeah. But a urinal, dude?

You need help with a urinal? It's just somewhere to piss. That's crazy. And I also don't care for pissing in snow. No, I don't like my dick... That wasn't on your list? No, it wasn't. People are going to be furious.

It's on neither of our lists. I'll tell you that. Well, I'm actually going to struggle with these last... What, do I have three more? Because I didn't have a list ready. So I'm going to need to come up with some. I might have come up with snow, but I don't like pulling my dick out in the cold like that.

That's a good point. I don't like that, being exposed to the elements. That's a good point. You also don't get to see much yellow. If I got more yellow, I'd be fine, but most of it just melts. It melts. I feel it's immature. It feels immature? It feels immature. Writing your name in the snow? I feel like you're immature. It started immature? It feels immature. Writing your name in the snow?

I feel like you're immature. Started with one. I pissed on my dog. At three, we're like, snow's immature. Because, I'll tell you why. Because my next pick here, number three, I can't believe I got this third pick. The sink. Peeing in the sink.

I'll tell you why. That's not even about fun or even ease of use. It's not. That's like utility. Like sometimes there's only one bathroom and someone's shitting and you're stuck and you're like, I'm going to piss my pants. Because a lot of times when you're pissing in the sink, you're either I got to go so bad and there's no option. So I'm pissing. So that feels great. Or like the bathroom is upstairs or downstairs or far away and you're lazy so you're

satiating that laziness where it's like i'm just gonna fucking piss right here but either way when i'm on my tippy toes and i lay my my balls on the counter and i just get my tip over the edge of the sink i'm happy you go balls on the counter with it it depends on it depends on the like the height of the you know you know what i mean and the cat like if the counter is really gross i might try to not to but like right now i gotta gotta you know get tippy tippy toes i mean i told you you put a nice slab of granite and slab of granite in front of me your dick's going on your balls my dick's gonna have to touch it yeah it's just yeah i am sexually attracted to granite cold over the way the way granite feels on your peep if you're not fucking rubbing your dick over all the granite you see they're great in this house uh you know i'm more of a limestone

kind of man but i'll go with the granite marble marble's probably the holy grail yeah it's a nice like lacquered uh marbles gotta be away from this countertop yeah no you guys are a little late on that all right you're up um number four gatorade bottle oh it's the sex of piss because you're like getting in a hole that's hilarious i would say that squirting is the sex of piss but hey whatever uh i i don't like that bottle almost for the it's the opposite of the sink is you're usually jammed in a car yeah and you're about i guess i guess that's well to me but to me that excitement that to me that feels like i don't know yeah because the answer is yes yeah it's very very hard i don't care who you are how experienced you are. It's very hard to piss in a bottle and get it done clean.

You're at least getting some piss on your hands, your pants, or the car. 100%. But it's nice to have a measurement. A measurement. I just ripped 32 ounces of piss. Oh, that is cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little science experiment.

Yeah. Back to the car. Because that's also one, like, if you asked me right now, how many ounces do you pee per piss, I'd be like, you could tell me, like, 64, or like 64 or you could tell me like five i can tell you from the bottles i've peed into in my life it's more than you think doing the dummy number time you're like it's not i've definitely a bottle as well a gatorade bottle you have a chance a beer bottle a 12 ouncer dude no i've had to like stock up you're doing the dummy dumber where you slide it in very counterintuitive where it's like i gotta gonna chug this water wow do i have another answer

what were you gonna say that's i've definitely had to like stop we've been on long car rides i'm like i think i'm gonna fill this fucking thing up i'm gonna have to cut it off and go again i never understand though why you know people just don't pull over i I might even add that to my list, like the pullover piss. It's like the same reason Jackie doesn't ask someone to stop being allergic, getting her nails allergic. Because you don't want someone to. Right, you want to be, like, inconvenience someone on the drive. If I'm in the car, if I'm in the car and I'm not driving, I will wait until it's a fucking emergency, which probably isn't great. Right.

But until it's a emergency, I'll casually be like, hey, you know, next time you get a chance pull over and on the inside you're like oh they'll forget they'll be like oh there it is right there 64 more miles i love when you see the sign no more stop no more service areas for 110 miles like oh boy i'm just describing exactly the situation that happened when we drove to boston really i miss it yeah oh no i was like hey by the way next time you see a chance I'm just like fuck me we ended up stopping like 6 miles before Boston I thought we stopped at the rest area though we missed one and there was one like

and it was like how close were we Nick was like how close were we it was like about 6 minutes we were right there it was not gonna happen that's funny I recently was on one of those trolleys like to drive around drinking like uh and everyone knew each other just not well enough where all the guys were like looking around like waiting for the first guy to take a piss into a cup or something and thank god the guy driving

the trolley was just a pro and pulled over at like a public restroom it was like we know we're an hour 15 in i know i know everyone's got a girl yeah everyone everyone at that moment was like all right if we have to do it again we're going in cups right wait i gotta before you go on this reminds me of my favorite scene from sunny or one of my billion favorite scenes the max reaction in this video it's so funny um okay I will go with um get a little curveball here for you your pants yo that's a great one i wouldn't have thought of that it's a a great one. The last time I pissed my pants knowingly,

I was in like second grade. No, I was in elementary school. I was in between first and fourth grade. And I remember I was wearing my Bugle Boy jeans. Remember, I loved them. They were actually like joggers. I was ahead of my time. They had the elastic on the bottom and the elastic on the top. And I was running home.

I really had to pee. And I made it to the bathroom and the elastic on the top. And I was running home. I really had to pee. And I made it to the bathroom, but not to the toilet. Because you know when you make it to the bathroom, your body is like, okay, we made it. We're going to start. You really hold the – when you're in a car, you just lock up. When you're at home, you're like, we're going to get to pee. You know what I mean? I'm going to do this.

But I guess my body just let go too much, and I started to go. And I could have tried to pinch it off and get to to the and i just stood there two feet from the toilet and i just finished my piss and i just peed the whole pants wet and i was just like and it was kind of fucking like relieving it was like you know and then i had to peel off wet denim disgusting i probably threw them out but i was like yeah man eat my pants dude i've peed i've peeled off wet denim disgusting i might threw them out but i was like yeah man eat my pants dude i've peed i've peeled off wet denim a lot more recently i'll tell you that i was i was never a drunk i was never a bed pisser i just i don't know um all right last one is uh i don't know how to say this really like often elevated surface like my parents

exactly yeah yeah and then it's just like again you can aim up i'm picking up apparently yeah finish of mine aiming piss upwards um and uh and and it's it's fun to just like you can like hear you can move back and forth and hear it fall in different places. Is this making sense? Because it hits grass. It's almost like you start an acapella band where it's landing in different

places and you can also get it on the side of the garage where you can get different noises. My parents, they have a wood garage and they have a rock moat, if you will, I don't know, whatever, like a bed there.

Then it's leaves, then it's grass. That's like a drum set. I'm hitting all kinds of different noises with it. That sounds amazing. It's a lot of fun. My last pick, I will go with... Can't say ocean.

Too many sharks. I was going to say ocean because I never did this, but one time my cousin took a shit in the ocean. What? And it was so funny. Not the ocean. We were in the Long Island Sound. We went on his boat, and he had to shit, and he was a fisherman. He fished all the time.

So this is probably totally normal. Dude, you don't have to call time. So he probably, this is probably, like, totally normal. Dude, you don't even call it. Those people who spend a lot of time on boats. What? Because I've spent a lot of time with people who spend a lot of time on boats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They lay cable. Lay cable?

I don't get it. Is there, like, a reason why, or that's just what they call it? I think it's, like, you go out there, you're laying cable, which is, like, you kind of just pull your pants down, swim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he just... It sounds like laying cable. Like laying cable for a line. He was just like...

He kind of like pushed away from the boat and was just kind of like treading water and just like, I knew that poop was coming out. I didn't see it like bloop bloop, but it was pretty funny that... And then he was just like, came back to the boat. I haven't... I've never done it because I don't see it like bloop bloop, but it was pretty funny. And then he was just like, came back to the boat. I haven't. I've never done it because I don't.

With a lot of rational fears, I think water would rush into my body. Yeah, you go up your ass. Even though something's coming out of your ass. Your hole's open for a second. That hole has any. I think I'd drown. I'd drown from my butt. That is the most irrational thing I've ever heard in my life. I will drown from my butt. That is the most irrational thing I've ever heard in my life.

I will drown from my butt. Your butt's filling up and you're just like, It's all connected. It's like this is one pipe. Idiot. I will go with, instead of that then, I'll go with one that's very counterintuitive too. I'm forgetting that word.

Sure. The porta potty. You like this in the porta potty you like this in the no i hate it okay i hate it because i'm a rick but it's like uh first of all anytime you're pissing in a porta potty it's almost it's an emergency right so you're like i have to go oh my god there's a porta potty you know and i just find them i just did this the other day at city field we were tailgating before and i went into a porta potty. And I was like, I cannot believe that, A, this is still our best system. We just put a toilet room out there. Someone comes and vacuums up later.

And two, every porta potty I've ever been in, there's a really good amount of shit in there. And I'm like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. This isn't a football game. A lot of people will shit in a porta potty. Football fans, a lot of blue collar workers. A lot of poop in the potty. And they're just like, yeah, I got to drop trowel. Because your pants are on the ground.

Your butt's on the fucking, you know. I'm just like, wow, there's so much shit in here. I can count on one hand how many I've taken in a porta potty. Oh, I can count on, I've never shit in much shit in here. I can count on one hand how many I've taken in a port-a-potty. Oh, I can count on I don't think, I've never shit in a port-a-potty. I've had a couple emergencies. You're disgusting. You're an absolute disgusting creature.

But every time I've been in a port-a-potty, it's like a bad, you know, it's like, I hate it, but that's why I like it, because it makes me feel alive. I'm like, you run in, you're trying to hold your breath, and sometimes you run out of breath, so you have to inhale the port-a-potty air, and you're like, it's like a war in there and then you stumble out and you're done and then some people fuck in there

and it's just like, the port-a-potty is a crazy place you find that? you didn't cum though, right? uh, no no, maybe I did I don't think you did it was pre-kness, I was drunk as shit I think I know your story, I don't think you did

I will tell you, I i'm gonna reach out to my buddies where they run on top of them yeah they rarely honestly that was i think during this year that was like hardcore i went there was like a four-year stretch where i went to preakness every year yeah one or two years it was like hardcore band yeah one of the years i was there while it was raining beers on me i'm gonna ask uh my buddy they do they they know a list like uh of places they will be like oh this restaurant this this one has the best floor to ceiling door this one like if you ask them the best place at the piss they'll give you addresses and but he told me like costanza yes yeah he told me uh he used to run cross country for uh columbia so they're

like all the way up on the west side and and they would run over the George Washington Bridge, down the Palisades of Jersey. And I think there's a bathroom or porta-potty situation right on the Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge that is either really enjoyable, or it's just a funny place to go, or whatever. But they all said that it's the best place to have shit. But they'd be running, and they'd be like, oh no, fuck. And we're like, we're like 12 more miles from home.

But don't worry, like there's the bridge and we can go to that fucking, that little spot. All right, so get at us, top five places to pee. That was a great list. That was a great one. Tweet at us at KFC Radio or on Instagram, same thing. Let's get into our voicemails. Shout out to everybody who converted over to the video voicemails.

After many, many years of doing audio, we switched it to video. And I think some people were a little afraid to perform, but there are the people who have no performance anxiety and are willing to make a video. And it really makes sense. Oh, he did it, folks. I did it to him. I'm like that kid in the picture like i had to do it to him i had to do it to him because if you do have

performance anxiety you can go to roman and get your roman swipes go to get roman.com slash kfc and here's what you can get a month supply of roman swipes and what are the swipes they're little towelettes moist towelettes i can say moist because we're talking about sexual activity yeah yeah you rub it on your dick i say moist all the time you just don't care about people moist sponge cake no i love i love a moist sponge cake you know what's weird about that i think sponge is almost the worst word in that yeah how about sponges or moisture cookie moisture cookie? Moist sugar cookie? Moist sugar cookie. Moist sugar.

I was like, what's a moisture cookie? Any kind of moist cookie. But there are things in other cookies that can cover up for them not being particularly moist. Sure. Such as a chocolate chip or things of that nature. Right. But a sugar cookie, you got to have it be moist because otherwise it's garbage. Yeah.

How about the sponge, though? The contraceptive sponge? All I know of that is from seinfeld i don't know what's worthy right i don't know who used that or how it works but i'm i'm envisioning something that literally soaks up human yeah no the science makes sense i mean and so would you usually it soaks up it's so it's a sponge do you know what a sponge is sexually is that something that any girls on the planet earth wear at all yeah i feel like that's like dead and gone what do you say about it what what what what did you say not that i know oh i think he said like what if a guy made you wear a female condom

no she goes no yeah like that that i think sponges are dead and gone i think sponges you think i think it just it it absorbs semen and then you kind of stick the fingies in there and you pop it out and you throw it away. That can't work. It can't be the way that it works. It's just a little yellow spot. On one side, it's got the green,

the harsh green part because we're talking, you need to catch every single individual sperm. If one gets through, you're pregnant. It was a very poor success rate. That's why they're out of business now. What happened to the sponge? Everyone was getting pregnant.

So they got rid of it. I'll tell you what does work and has a great success rate, though, are the Roman swipes. You rub it on your dick. It desensitizes you so that you can last a little bit longer. It's an interesting feeling. Because in the past, I've used the numbing condom thing.

And that's weird because it feels like it's numb. It feels like it's gone. I'm looking down. I'm like, okay, my dick's still there. It's still hard. I can still use it, but I can't feel a thing. Yeah, like phantom leg from someone who lost it in an accident. It was exactly like that.

And then I was like, this is not good. I'm going to lose this boner because I can't feel anything. The Roman is this weird feeling where it's like, okay, I can still feel that. I like this, but I'm not going to cum. It's amazing. So you can last that much longer. So go to GetRoman.com slash KFC.

Get $10 off your monthly supply of the Roman swipes. That's G-E-T-R-O-M-A-N. GetRoman.com slash KFC for $10 off your monthly supply of swipes. What up, KFC? Fights. Nick. Jackie. Zach.

Pavs. Got them all. Okay, so I have this little thing right here. And this is basically like a i guess you call it a fabric yes i know i had that exact one sounds like a pencil sharpener kind of looks like one but it isn't and this thing is actually for like the the inside of sweatshirts wait pause real quick can you press pause is that a problem really good do you know what he's talking about i i know sweater shavers i've never used one but i know of them it's just funny that he's talking about it like it's from like the 1400s yeah i i remember

when i first learned like my my friend's sister when i was very young was like shaving like all the pills off her sweater whatever i was like oh i just kind of pick mine and yeah no yeah that's what it's for it's also do not do not put it on your tongue do not because i did that as a small child oh okay it's a fucking catastrophe i i honestly i don't know this gives you it definitely doesn't give you credit because i was thinking you did this like three weeks ago no no no i was a small boy but it like you know it rips apart your fucking tongue but it's just very funny i wonder how many people like would you have known what that is paths no would you yeah no not even you yeah it's there's got it's just funny to think that there's some people being like what is this what is this sorcery what is this thing okay good or sheets and comforters

and have me thinking what kind of inventions did you come across across later in life that would have been super super useful during like your time in college or when you got your first apartment um because like i got this thing from my mom i had no idea they existed and it's pretty sweet like it's really it's really useful so yeah just curious uh and also jackie hit me up you know I do. I'll teach you things you don't know, girl, like a sweater shaver. Yo, you know how I do. Me and Koos Koos. This is an impossible question.

Rubber sheets for college would have been pretty helpful. I didn't put that together until I was older. i'm not like i re-watched home alone when i was yeah i was like oh all right that would have been it was it wasn't from piss i was spilling too much marinara sauce in my bed when dominoes yeah it wasn't from it was a healthy mixture a lot of piss i was a healthy mixture of piss marinara sauce um i mean the roman swipes by the way are like that's not an old invention but it's an invention that i'm like i could have used this when i was younger um i i don't i have not my life is so simple yeah you know i don't come across you don't have any

tools very often you don't have things that you need to do new stuff how about uh i wish i came across more you know it's an amazing thing but again i don't think this was like around when i was like a small boy i think it's been around for a while but not when i was like a kid it's more about me getting to like realizing it a steamer like a handheld steamer nope that's not a real thing i still don't know how those work well i assure you it's a real thing i don't know how it works i have no like i't. It doesn't de-wrinkle my stuff. My clothes are... Every single article of clothing I've ever owned

is impervious to steamers. Tell me... Walk me through how you use it when you use it. Dude, I fucking... Do you put water in it? I was going to say, I have a feeling you're not putting water in it. Step one, put water in it. Step step two lay my clothes on the floor step three fucking it might be the floor iron or

whatever steam and pull i know it's like you're supposed to hang it yeah and i don't know if that i haven't even attempted in a long time but it was my old apartment in new york so i was i was an adult um by age there was a uh a steamer i'm sorry there wasn't a hook next to a fucking outlet next to a steamer got it god damn it an outlet next to a hook that's what i'm trying to get at here i've been talking for a long time my brain is dying and i'm out of oxygen and uh and the that's why i would just lay it down on the floor and I would try and fucking steam it. But Lou could steam it. I was going to say, I'm pretty sure you are the idiot.

Yeah, Lou could steam my clothes for me. There was one time Lou was steaming my clothes for me before some fucking... It wasn't an event. It was a barstool thing. We had a photo shoot or something like that. And he's like, no other fucking salesman on the plane's gotta do this shit my sister has one that looks like a fucking vacuum it has a thing like this you hang your

clothes from there down at the bottom has like a big thing where you put the water and then it has almost like when you're when you're vacuuming your couch like one of those things you plug on the end you know that's the steamer yeah i've seen those and i bet i could make that work i well i i i needed to borrow hers the other day and i thought i was getting one of the just the handhelds and i was like where's your steamer she's like it's up in my in my room and i go up in there i'm like i don't see it she's like it's right there and i was like no it's fucking see it. She's like, it's right there. I was like, no, it's fucking not. She was like, it is literally impossible to miss.

She comes up and she's like, it's right here. I was like, that thing? The fucking vacuum thing? You didn't tell me it was a whole apparatus. That shit worked like that. You are the idiot. What do I use later in life? How did you clean your apartment ever in college?

You said vacuum. Did you ever use a cleaning product in life? How many times did you clean your apartment ever in college? You said vacuum. Did you ever use a cleaning product in college? No, I did. Oh, fuck no. I got kicked out before I needed to use them pretty often. I was on the run. I lived with I always lived with

my junior year I lived with my junior year. I lived with some dirt balls who I don't think really gave a fuck, but every other year it was enough guys that like, we would, it would, don't get me wrong. It was not like a regular thing, but we would all hit our point where we'd be like,

it would be from like playing beer pong and being like, Oh my God, we got to clean tomorrow. And we would like Swiffer the whole thing or whatever, but it was never out of anything other than like our ping pong balls are getting disgusting you know what is it not an invention but a a logical thought that that we all learned like in our mid-20s that we could have just figured out during college is to just put water in the beer pong cups no and drink the beer separately this day no you're still hating i still hate it. You're disgusting. I won't play. You are such a fucking loser.

I hate you with all of my heart, and I want to stab you in your sleep. You're playing. It is fake. No, because part of it is being able to drink through that. Part of it is being able to drink through that, but part of it is also like, I know exactly how much I've forced you to drink. Sure. So you're going to buzz on. People will get like a little sub.

Agreed. No, no, no. I don't play the fucking game. Let's play by the fucking rules and that means you drink there's a little dust in your beer and fucking deal with it it's not a little dust it's fucking disgusting well how about you just i used to love the idea of just putting it in the water cup and that means the water cup works one time because the next time you're dipping it into disgusting fucking water no it works every time it no it doesn't the water cups the water cups goal is to just get fucking bullshit off the walls i don't get germs off no but you get the dust bunnies and shit

when there's hair in the water and shit you just plunge it in and take it out it comes off on the ball too not really if you like if you get like if you had something on the ball you would see you're getting like 90 of it off but you're not getting all the dust and dirt out of there, you dumb idiot. Who cares? Me, man. Gross. There's got to be a good invention, though. Not older. No, there are no good older inventions. Anything that's going to be good has yet to be invented. Fucking Socrates over here.

I mean, it's obviously complete bullshit. I'm staring at a light while i say this uh good things have been invented there's gotta be something that i'm like oh man i should have been doing this a long time ago i feel like there's stuff we see this on tiktok all the time where it's like tiktok taught me more than like my school did and i'm like there's always some shit that i'm like wow but i guess i haven't done that yet you know there's always like there's like the right way to rip the saran wrap. There's the right way to use the Ziploc bag.

Oh, follow this. English muffins. Cut them with a fork. It's not really an invention, but it's like knowledge. Yeah, that's a major one. Because when you cut it with a... That's what you're trying to say right now? That they're inventions? It's just how to do things properly?

Yeah, yeah. But when you cut it with a knife, it's like terrible. It's like you get rid of the nooks and crannies and when you just try to rip it, it's a mess. But you get that... Bingo bango. That one's a good one.

And this last thing, I said it multiple times, there's like the air fryer mafia and those people are annoying, but get the air fryer mafia and those people are annoying but get an air fryer it's fucking it's worth it it's really good it's a good within arm's reach because you put it on top of your cabinet you're never gonna eat never never never never it's not i have an air fryer i've used literally zero times yeah you got to plug it in and like have it there and leave it there zero times next up oh tired hey cave super radio papa john

that's rude i should have said that look at this guy's cheeks though looks like big f it came on the other day and she had a bunch of crafts that her preschoolers had made at school for arbor day over arbor day well Well, what a lemon of a day. A day stinks. Stinks. He called me an arbor day Grinch. And it got me thinking that an arbor day Grinch would probably be pretty funny. I don't know, go around plucking leaves off trees or whatever. But it got me thinking even more that if every little holiday or every little event had a Grinch, what would be the funniest i don't know exactly what the pride month grinch would get up to but i'm sure it'd be some shenanigans i'm sure that

would be a crime an arbor day grinch i mean if you imagine imagine being like a kindergarten teacher you got to teach arbor day get the fuck out of here that's just something to kill time it's like what am i gonna do today let's talk about arbor trees i have a hangover today yeah yeah we're doing trees draw leaves how long could you do on arbor day i could do 10 minutes it's promote trees never mind i'm out yeah in 10 minutes to promote tree growth i i mean dude i'm a huge i'm a huge uh observer tree guy tree guy? I own so many fucking trees in the rainforest. You got those little white certificates. Bro, I used to get trees all the time as a kid.

I was a Johnny Appleseed. Do you own more trees or stars? Probably, I don't know. There's also walruses. What? No, it's not walruses what's this what's this the big mammal down florida manatees yeah i swam with manatees i part on a manatee i'll tell you what once you swim in the manatee you really get upset when you think about them just

getting massacred by boats yeah dude i was down in florida once where it was like this little cove where they would all come hang out yeah Yeah. And it looked like the VA. Right. Like it was just all of them. What? Missing limbs and fucking. It was crazy. Is this the Special Olympics?

Is this the Manatee Paralympicsics what's going on here i don't know if we can keep that joke in no you got it that was amazing it was that was hilarious it was like that was your best joke of the year i was looking in the water i was like jesus massacre dude everyone's missing pieces and chunks and shit it was not i was just i was rolling around in the water with them and petting them and they're so fat and like and i was just thinking oh my god a boat propeller would just rip your belly apart yeah this is an awful thought i want to buy all you guys and keep you away from the boats it was what it was i wish i said special olympics i don't know know. I guess neither would have gone well.

I was going to say, we're in the same boat, brother. Don't worry. Is it a sea lion? What's a sea lion look like? Sea lion looks like a seal. A manatee is more like a walrus. Okay, so let me see seal, please. Show me seal!

Dude, you're sea lion versus seal. Yeah you go i can't click images i can't think of what the no it's not that either what's the fucking animal and it's not a walrus it's not a manatee it looks like it like it gives the high fives and stuff not a manatee no who's it like the i like sea world he's the one who doesn't high five that's a walrus he otter no it's not an otter you buffoon um i thought that was a reasonable guess it is he and otter does give high fives he's bigger whatever the point is i watched 50 i think jackie deserves an apology i think that was a fine guess the uh and i was i was um the walrus jaco the walrus

said that like 600 times you said walrus yes i didn't hear that one sitting here like over and over saying walrus walrus that once like i said we gotta wrap this show soon i think i even said i even said are you thinking about a walrus but at least i watched this movie the other day and uh it was um that we don't know we don't know what walruses do two-thirds of their lives and at least that's what the uh animal trainer adam sandler says and why because they're like not spend underwater and we don't i mean there's plenty of things that go underwater that we know what they do i don't we don't like track them or something why are you tweeting me why are you searching my tweets about walruses oh no i think you've gotten tweeted at me like you look like that

oh oh i see i see i see um the yeah that yeah i guess that's what adam sandler's that's right up there going to do that's right up there with um with um lobsters don't die yeah that's like what what are we talking about by the way can i do a little quick 50 to 50 first dates tangent real quick sure don't mind um that was yours a fucking nightmare that movie is one of the most depressing it's it's not i wouldn't call it depressing like and it's actually like there are parts i found it funny like i wasn't like oh adam sandler movie new adam sandler stinks blah blah blah the end of that movie if i may spoil it for those who haven't seen it i feel like i mean this is i've seen it but i don't remember so go ahead this woman drew barrymore who does not remember anything beyond i'll stop moving i'll just say i'll stay here or beyond her life in hawaii where she was

in a horrible car accident and the last thing she remembered the last thing she remembers is getting in a car accident she was the day before her car accident right that's it right in her mind in that day she lives with lives with her dad and her brother in Hawaii. That movie ends. She has not gotten better. She has no newer mental capacities. But she lives in Alaska, is married to Adam Sandler, and has a daughter. And lives on a boat.

So she wakes up every morning and has to watch a movie that says that adam sandler that like they eat you away here's the life we've had since you can remember so come on outside for breakfast and then she comes outside for breakfast and her like at this point her child's like four or five yeah she comes running up she's like hey mommy i'd be like all right get me the fuck off this boat i'm done with this i'm going back to hawaii live with my dad why would he take her to alaska that because he wants to study the walruses oh yeah study the walruses find out what they do below below sea level i'm telling you this right now if i am a mental like vegetable whatever i have a situation like

that at least let me do it in in a nice in hawaii doing why not on a boat with a baby yo in alaska every morning you wake up and you don't know what your life is let me tell you something the last thing you want is to have a kid like if you wake up and you're like fuck wait a minute i have some sort of like alzheimer's amnesia i don't know but she doesn't even know that please don't have a kid please don't have a kid please don't have a kid please don't have a kid i got a kid fuck she doesn't even have that she she she doesn't have amnesia i don't know but she doesn't even know that please don't have a kid please don't have a kid please don't have a kid please don't have a kid i got a kid fuck she doesn't even have that she she she doesn't have amnesia she wakes she wakes up just thinking like she stretches her arms in bed she's like oh day two another beautiful day in alaska it's my dad's birthday today i'm

excited you love your dad's birthday say it celebrate my dad's birthday oh wait i'm in alaska and there's a baby on his boat get the fuck out of here that is that whoever came up with that that's like that's like fucking um like hostile i was that's like saw you got a you're a fucked up brain if you come over that movie you saw that was the second part of a movie where you liked it it was like it was ah yeah yeah with the rapist yeah and then i was like that guy's awesome he's a rapist i was like you haven't seen the first one he's like a goddamn monster what movie oh see no evil no uh see no evil maybe or something like that it is yeah because he's blind and he turkey basters

that girl yeah yeah yeah no is it no it's not too old man. Do old man... old man... blind... Yeah, scary movie. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. He's the man in season two. Yeah, I have not watched...

I have protested movie two. We should watch it this week. He's not a man who needs a redemption arc. I'm going to make you... Horrible animal monster. But in season two, in episode... Whatever, fucking sequel sequel he's like i'm a monster you don't want like she's like come on like we gotta save you and he's like i'm not

worth saving and i and they keep being like you know like they allude to it a bunch and i think he should just be like listen i fuck a chick with a turkey baster trying to have her i try to have a child to steal from her okay Alright, last voicemail. What was the question? About Arbor Day? I don't know, it seems okay. Wait, wait, what was the fucking question? What was the fucking question?

Anyway, that's probably what the Arbor Day Grinch does. He kidnaps women and keeps them in his basement. That was the question. What holidays would have the funniest Grinch? And we ended with the rapist turkey so that guy's birthday one um goodness gracious this is a good question i want to kind of answer it now um the uh uh valentine's day no i got a great one just a divorce attorney i was gonna well yeah that would be good i think a mother's day grinch would be fun there's someone who's like fuck mothers i don't give a fuck about mothers oh

so you gave birth who cares pow someone who's just who's whose entire existence is to to hate on mothers and ruin their day a mother's day or um the grinch is also by the way the grinch is one of those movies where i actually do believe in the reimagining of it. Because there's the things where like... Oh, he got totally fucked over. Yeah, like Jim is actually a bad guy. No, he isn't. If you watch the Jim Carrey one, you kind of learn

he's like bullied. Yeah, I was bullied so I ran away. You guys still fucking hated me. But I don't think the book tells that story very well. No. He's just like I'm a monster in the fucking mountains. Yeah yeah so the actual grinch probably doesn't deserve much redemption that's true right um the fuck uh wait valentine i think valentine's day be really funny grinch just just a guy like who hates love and it's just like yeah who just like is like yeah just get some strange pussy man nobody's looking for love yeah like like it's like bad santa only he's yeah he's he's just you know what he can even be in a santa's costume

it's just the same guy how about what about it you know what i'm gonna say right you know what i'm gonna say i don't know i don't know which one uh i'm gonna say a juneteenth grinch just a white man there's a lot of them it's just a white man there's a lot of juneteenth grinches there's like there's a shocking amount of juneteenth let's just real quick have we have we aired have we aired jenny molin okay um i i i we had so we had jenny molin on the show and and that interview will be coming up and she talks about her life in Arizona and then I was watching Dan Soder on on Whiskey Ginger. There's a lot of those too.

Talking about life in Arizona too. Arizona not recognizing Martin Luther King Day in like modern times is insanity. Is it still like that? No, I think they like that no i think they caved i think they caved they caved i mean jenny mullen's not much older than us no yeah i mean it's modern

day don't don't get me wrong but um 1992 arizona was the last state in the union to install it go go go to that because in 1992 okay okay because uh dan so jenny said the same thing she was i was kind of like yo arizona doesn't give a fuck and she was like yeah growing up we didn't even we didn't even do martin luther king day and then dan on whiskey junior it was kind of like yo arizona like we don't give a fuck man martin luther king day like that ain't shit oh that is a crazy thing after the anything past the year of like 1865 to not fucking do that shit is nuts yeah MLK

I would say after 1865 though I would imagine he would have to live first let's make him earn it there's gonna be this guy in the future we think let's make him earn it.

Let's make him get there. Uh, um, uh, really going to say next, next, before. All right.

What's up KFC radio crew. Uh, all you schlups over there. I'll start off with my question, which is basically what is the weirdest summer job or just job in general that you've ever had and why was it so weird um mine would have to be one time i worked at basically a farm which has a multitude of stories but basically the key story in this job was uh we had a llama that had a prolapsed anus and i went and told you know the people that were in charge of this whole place I said hey I think there might be something wrong with this llama and they were like

eh no he'll be alright and that llama proceeded to die the next day so yeah they were confused and I was like well no shit this thing died it's anus was hanging about a foot out of it's own asshole so yeah what is the weirdest

job and or weirdest situation in the job that you've ever done? I can't, you know, to wrap up on this. That farmer fucked that llama. Yeah. A prolapsed anus is a very obvious thing to point out unless you cause that prolapse. And then you're going, he's fine, he's fine. He's fine, he's fine. What are you, a llama's attorney?

Get out of here. What do you care? Why are you so interested, huh? Can I tell you something weird by the way i was i was watching again actually dude i was when i was in jamaica i just like came home from the bar one night and i was looking for someone to watch and saw the stefano's young face and it was on comedy central an old special on like comedy central the uh caribbean which probably because he's going to puerto rico or something like that and And then I was watching a half hour special and then after that

was Michael Che's half hour from years, he was, it was from 2014 actually. And he was telling a joke about why, he's like, I don't understand why there are laws against fucking animals. And he's like, I mean, I eat animals. I'm pretty sure I'm doing... That's a great point. We kill them, slaughter them and eat them. I'm doing the worst

things. If I was a goat and you asked me fuck me or kill me hey we're gonna put you in the blender and chop you up and you're gonna end up in a caribbean woman's uh stew well this weird farmer sucks your dick i know my answer because it's not a hard answer for me because because that wouldn't be the toughest question i'm asked that day is a goat which i was like valid point uh but i've i've never really had a weird summer job i've had the standard ones i tell you i think i figured this out the other day i've had three jobs my entire life what yeah i think i've only had three jobs. How is that possible? When I started working, my family owned a coffee shop in the city. Yeah.

So I worked there. That's when you bled on a bagel, right? Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. That's when you founded OSHA. Yeah.

And then there was like two summers in a row the the summer after that i had surgery and i like like i just i couldn't even like have a summer job i was like rehabbing my back and all that shit and the summer after that i had another surgery so i went to school so i just did like another another semester of school. Then I had a summer job working for an internship working for a trading company. I worked on a trading floor.

Then I got my job at Deloitte. I only started working towards the end of high school. Then I had two years off. Then I got Deloitte and then I got Barstool. What? I'm trying to think if I ever had... i i don't think i i wasn't one of those kids who started working when he was like 13 i didn't do that i just had like summertime until then dude i started working i was like 14 at my uncle's pizza shop and i'm not even italian yeah i don't think

i did that i was like what is we talking about this family business he started this yesterday but like yeah that's why i have to work because he can't afford to pay anybody yeah get the fuck in there i guess i had four job every summer from when i was in like high school i worked as like an engineer's assistant in like a boiler room of a high-rise building that my dad got me so i did that for like every year because it was paying like almost 20 bucks an hour when i was like a kid it was like fucking yeah so i did that so i did engineer's assistant, coffee shop, trading floor assistant, Deloitte, and then Barstool. So five, not three.

Crazy. I know people who are now like, you know, they've worked five jobs in the last five years reviewing, changing their resumes and all that shit. I got a lot of friends like that too. I can't even imagine. That'd be so stressful. Starting over all the time. Trying to find new jobs. Fuck, this is fine.

But I also think I would be one of those have if we didn't land a job like this i would i would not hesitate to leave a shitty plate like you're like you gotta get like three years on your resume or otherwise it looks like shady or whatever it's like i don't know i'll tell them in the interview that it fucking sucked and i had to get the fuck out of there so that's why i'm here now i'm not just sitting at a shitty job to get a magical three-year rule or whatever it's called but what do i know i just it's funny to think that like i wouldn't know do you go to linkedin do you go to monster.com do you go to um uh careerbuilder.com i don't know like i don't i wouldn't even know i wouldn't that's it this is the only one i've heard of in the last like 10

years that i would know to go to otherwise I'd just be fucking unemployed and homeless. I had a lot of jobs. Oh, wow. Look at that. Bill Burr's going to do Fenway. Yeah. Oh, I forgot about that. First comedy show ever in Fenway Park. Bill Burr. That is a fucking... We should go to that. August 21st. That would be

awesome. Yeah, we'll be there. Yeah, I didn't have any weird jobs i did landscaping i did retail i did bartending i did yeah the jobs that you do yeah what was the question weird weirdest weirdest yeah why are you hanging out with i mean i have like weird stories to all the jobs yeah the why were you hanging out with llamas with prolapsed that's a you thing that's not a us thing well i got nothing for you but let us know where's job where's where this moment yeah i bled all over bagel and tried to feed it to a woman i watched a guy chop off his finger one time it was pretty nuts we got a lot of we were in a lot of stories but there are normal jobs sold a drug dealer nasa tall monthly so he could

that part is cocaine with it was he yeah was he using the slicer and he sliced his finger off no he's just fucking cutting i don't know something it was just i mean it was just a tip well yeah i knew i knew a guy at a deli my buddy calls his finger uh a buddy you know and uh he gets like fucking tons of money a month now because it was it was uh injured it's like it it affects his ability to work it is it's not much of his finger but it's a it's his finger he works with his hands and like it's not a ton of money but he gets he gets paid monthly now because it was like it's by how much it's not by like it's not the government i forget exactly what it is it's by a church it's insurance oh um and it's it's his it's i i guess it's workman's comp but that wasn't the

word he used what a great fucking like that's a great ati question like would you give up a fingertip for $1,200 a month? I want to say it's something in that range. That's great. You're paying a chunk of your rent or even full rent in some spots and all you do is have a little bit of a mangled finger. I'm sure in the moment when you slice it off,

you don't think that, but right now... Alright, interview time. It got sucked away too. I don't know. It't know one of these saws where i guess it's like some air suckage with it so it's just like see ya yeah i didn't have a chance that one that's in god's hands now bro all, let's get into it with our interviews. We got Lamorne Morris on the show, who is just – the New Girl cast does not disappoint. Every single time we get one of them on, they absolutely kill it. And this was no exception.

We did have a good, funny, like, white man, black man thing. It was very funny. So let's get into it. Lamorne on KGB. Black man, black man, black man. All right. That'll make sense. it. Lamorne on KJ. Black man, black man, black man. All right. That'll make sense. Oh, what a shirt.

Great shirt. That's a great shirt. Wow. With the hairs coming out and everything. Wow. That is an absolutely despicable shirt. Until you pulled up and I saw the balls, I thought it was a Chicago Bulls shirt. No.

No, this one's a little different ball sack hanging that makes sense after last night what's going on man oh my goodness guys i i can't tell you what's going on because i'm trying to fix this uh the the no i got it i got it figured out what's going on greatness that's what's going on all right what's up with that baby back there That's what's going on, guys. All right. What's up with that baby back there? What's up with this baby right here? Yeah.

I'm just trying to raise him right. You know what I mean? This is a... Hold on. Let me grab this. It's a little jaggy. Oh, wow. Whoa.

Whoa. Heart of a champion. This is... I did Kevin Hart's game show and I won. Wow. That's quite the trophy. Yeah. They gave me a life-size statue.

That's great, man. That's great stuff. How's things going? Things are going well. Things are going very well. Life is stressful at times, but I'm out here, man. I'm out here. Where are you? I thought you were going to, like, London or something.

Yeah, yeah. So I was supposed to be going to London. Oh, you bailed on us for no reason, you dirty dog. Yeah, no, it was last minute. I'm still going. I'm still going, just not for the extended time that I thought I was going for. I got you. I got you.

Yeah. So we, yeah, I mean, it going for. I got you. I got you. Yeah. So we, yeah. I mean, it got crazy. Yeah. It was like, yeah, I can't put it out there, but it got a little crazy. What's the most stressful thing in your life? The most stressful thing in my life is trying to be a good father. You know what I mean? Yes, I do.

Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, it's not hard to be a good father. It's just a lot that goes into raising the kid you know what it is dude it just doesn't stop you never like that like that's why when people have kids i tell them they're stupid because it's just it's not like and i'm divorced so i actually do get a little bit of a reprieve because like you know we split time but even when i'm not with them it like's like between bills and buying things for them and taking them places.

It never. It never ends. Yeah. It never ends. And I hate that about it. Yeah. My daughter is amazing. My daughter is absolutely fantastic.

But I have to wipe her shit. You know what I'm saying? I have to do everything. And it's the same. We co-parent. You know what i'm saying like i have to do everything yeah you know every like and it's the same we co-parent you know what i mean we co-parent so you get a little bit of reprieve but you know no and that and that actually comes with its own struggles too because it's i always tell when people like dude you you get to give them back sometimes and relax it's like yeah but then when i have them i do there's no stopping it's just me So it's cramming it all into a couple days here and there. But yeah, when you break it down as simple as that,

I have to wipe your shit. That's pretty much as bad as it gets all the time. I'm going to try and get through this without gagging. He has the most pussy stomach in the world. I saw a tweet very recently, yesterday, last night, and it said something to the effect of, everybody wants a baby, which I would debate. Debate. I would.

Maybe it's just me, but I would. I'd raise a hand and be like, I don't know. I kind of have a different take on that. And it says, everybody wants a baby until the baby starts to baby. And they're just holding up a baby. Bro, there is shit everywhere their toes their nose it's like i don't understand how it erupted out of the diaper it's fucking oh yeah it's disgusting oh yeah especially like you know when you're if the kid is a little antsy at times like there's sometimes when my daughter is in such

a playful mood that she doesn't realize how volatile this scenario is you've got shit right there and i gotta clean it stop playing move it stop moving so much like she'll like try to grab it and you're like no yeah how about this i'll do you one better so so i'm gonna embarrass my son right now when he's older and he hears this he's he's four and he's still struggling he's terrified of the toilet so he's still he puts on a diaper when he's got a shit he the other day he took such a big shit and then when i had to change it he said to me dad like put me down gently on my back because if i sit on my butt it will smush the poop out and i said if you are old enough to say all that to me, you are old enough to get on the fucking toilet, man.

You're describing like the physics of shit in your diaper. You're old enough to hit the toilet, man. It's a nightmare out here, dude. Your kid, I'm not sure if you know this, but your kid is fucking with you. Your kid knows this. Your kid's going to be 17 like, hey, dad, just, hey, real quick. Just lay me on my side real gentle.

Just, hey, hey, give me some of them wipes. Hey, dad, come here. Hey, dad, hey, give me an old-fashioned. Your kid is fucking with you. That is funny shit. Dude, I saw you posted the other day On your Instagram You posted a clip of Minx Or a highlight reel of Minx I believe

And we've had Jake on here a couple times We had Jake on to promote Minx And actually We're big New Girl fans And you're actually I think our final piece of the puzzle At least for the male side so very excited about that but

have you watched any of Minx because there is we had Jake on and we were talking about it and we were we were talking about how much fun it is

to objectify men and bodies and shit like that and he was talking about he's like dude there's so much male body and then I watched episode one

there's more dick in that show there's so much male body. And then I watched episode one. There's more dick in that show. There's so much male body. That I've seen in probably... I was going to say. There's so much of that. There's so much dick in that show. Bro, there was... And I, like a fucking idiot, I recommended it to my mom.

Oh, no. Who then told me she loves it. She's like, I love episode one. I can't get past episode one. I'm going to make your she loves it. She's like, I love episode one. I can't get past episode one. I'm going to make your father watch it. Like, my dad's going to run out of the room. Oh, my God. Our parents' generation.

No, no, no. Not watching that. No, my gosh. I'm a very, very 21st century man. And even I'm like, boy, that is a lot of big dick, too. Jake wouldn't have it any other way. But you said, I believe, in the caption that he is, it's the role he was born to play.

Oh, 100%. He used to talk about dicks all the time on YouTube. It's like, bro, we get it. We get it. You appreciate a good dick. That's amazing. But to answer your question, no, I haven't seen this show yet. Oh, okay.

Well, as soon as this interview ends, you're going to run to episode one. I'm going to run to it. It's on in the background right now. It's like a 20-minute mark of episode one. You just start getting smacked in the face with dick. It's a literal parade. There's a montage of dick. It's parade. There's a montage of dick. It's crazy.

There's a montage of clothes up to dick. I swear. I mean, I know there's been a ton of shows that are very funny and with a lot of casts that people fall in love with, but as far as roles you're born to play, I think that cast was meant to be together. I mean, the way you guys click is crazy. We ask this of every show and everybody,

but you guys all like, there's some shows that have like a group text where they all stay in touch and they're all, and I feel like that's New Girl, right? You guys are all still. Oh, 100%. 100%. You know, you have to. You spend so much time with each other over the years.

You know, seven seasons doing, you know, 14, 15-hour days, sometimes longer. You know, you become closer with your cast and your crew than you do with your own family at times. Right. And everything that's going on in your personal life, they know about, they know everything, you know? And, and, and so when the show is over, it's kind of like, do we just delete the chat?

That gets more aggressive. You know, we talk about everything from from life to to business you know what roles we're gonna take do we take them we talk about deals that we're trying to do like everything like you know we we literally bounce ideas off of each other and uh and that's just that's just if you watch the show we had so much chemistry you know that was real it is a bananas amount of chemistry i i remember like i think the first time we had jake on i think the show, we had so much chemistry. That was real. It is a bananas amount of chemistry. I remember the first time we had Jake on, I think the show was still on the air. We had Jake on for the first time a long time ago. And we were talking about how, I think we said something along the lines of,

and it was a bit of a take at the time, I think, where it was like, this show is going to be on the pantheon of sitcoms. It's a classic, yeah. The Office, The Parks and Rec, one of those ones that people just rewatch all the time and all that shit. And Jake was very humble about it. He's like, I don't know. I don't know.

And it clearly has become that now. And I think that's largely in part due to the chemistry. Oh, 100%. 100%. The creators of the show did a good job of piecing people together. And Zoe talks about it all the time where she was at all of our auditions. She was there for everything. And she was like, as long as I get along with everybody.

She's like, obviously, we want the most talented people. But personality-wise, we have to get along because we're going to be spending so much time with each other. And then that's what happened. Were you auditioning at the same time? Because obviously Coach was like episode one or two, and then he went through happy endings. Were you auditioning at the same time as everyone, or was that like once Coach had to leave or once Damon Wayans had to leave,

you were the same? Same time. Yeah, because what happened was I was offered the role first. Oh, really? Yeah. So everyone always thought Damon had a show because he had done one season of it already. So when they're going through the casting process, everyone's reading for Coach. And I was testing for it. And I had another show that I was testing for at the same time.

And so the second show that i was testing out for knew that i was up for new girl and so in order to snag me up they just made me a straight offer and so i walked away from the test of new girl an hour later they they messaged my agent and said hey if we make lamorne an offer will you take it it was like well it's too late now and new girl was the show i always wanted to do so i was like damn it and then it was it was a well it's too late now oh no and new girl was the show i always wanted to do so i was like damn it it was it was a good offer like you were it was yeah yeah it was a solid offer it was a better offer than new girl at the time you know and i it was i didn't have a show people knew me from like tv commercials right and so i i was like I got to take it. Absolutely. You can't walk away from that.

Sure. And then ultimately, Damon had to go and leave. He had to go and do a second season of his show. He was fucking meant to be, man. I'm telling you. It was fate. Because then he came back. Yeah.

Right. And then it's so everybody got to. It's one of the few shows where I've seen it all work out like that, which is so awesome. Yeah. So, I mean, think about, like, do you think about had you had that not played out that way and you would have missed new girl forever oh man that probably would have i probably would have um you know i've been thinking about my adult film career yeah i would have showing that male body you're the only fans yeah you get a little get a roll on minks, parlay that to an only fan. A lonely fan. I ain't getting it. You're fucking retarded.

I'm only fans. Let's go. I got a Lamord Lee fan. Exactly. I want to start that app. I want to start that. Y'all know any developers? We've got a couple here.

They're very slow. We get 50%, bro. Hey, please do. Please do. I'll take it. Dude, so I was reading your Wikipedia last night, and I didn't recognize the name of the restaurant, but I know a comparable one. What was it?

Ed Devichicks or something like that? DeBevix. DeBevix. Yeah, Ed DeBevix. I know it as Dick's Last Resort, where the waiters are just mean to you all the time. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always been very confused. I've never been able to go, because my self-confidence would not be able to withstand it.

Because I'm from Boston. There used to be one in Faneuil Hall. And my friends were like, let's go, let's go. I'm like, I'm not going, dude. They're going to be fucking – I have a big nose. I'm an easy target. You guys all want me to go, so they fucking attack me. I'm not going.

How mean do you get at these things you get pretty damn mean like i was you know i'm eating people's food i'm like i'm walking out with like two straws and they're shaking ones for me and one for this guy's wife and like you know what i mean like and they love it they they absolutely love it i i once waited an entire shift without walking up to the table people were like i was making them leave cash or like come up to to me and bring me their credit card like everything i would say your food's over there go pick it up they're like what i go pick up your damn food look that's a people's dream dude that's all under the guise of like you know it's the shit exactly you can just do whatever you want exactly it's almost like the meaner you got at you know, it's the shtick. Exactly. You can just do whatever you want. Exactly.

It's almost like the meaner you got at that place, the more they would tip. Right. Bro, you were dominatrix. People loved it. Yeah, you're basically a food dominatrix. You were dominatrix. Yeah. 100%.

Guys, I just told you. I was going to dive into my adult film career after. Like, you know, people, I don't know. I think, I want to say there's a story about a guy who got fired. There were two locations and the guy got fired because his whole thing was you know being shirtless and being like this old school like greaser kind of guy you know what i mean like with his hair slicked back and smoking cigarettes and and he got in trouble because one of the one of the women that he was flirting with they were flirting a little too hard.

Okay. Yeah, there's got to be a line somewhere. Somewhere. Too hard. Yeah. Too hard. And where she was like grabbing him, you know, pulling him into the side rooms. And it got to be a little bit much.

That sounds like customer service. That sounds like, if you're going to get fired, it might as well be for fucking in the back room. I was like, all right. I'd walk out of there like, oh, okay. Put my back on. You let me walk around the trailers and smoke cigarettes all day. Sorry, I thought they wasn't alive. Yeah, exactly. That's like something true.

You can get away with it because Stan's like, sorry, I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to do that. But you gave the customer what you wanted. Of course you're not supposed to do it. And so now we got, what, season two of Woke, right? We had on Blake. Where, by the way, a nice little crossover, that kind of J.B. Smoove is your father figure again, in a sense. Yes.

In both shows. We'll get to Woke in one second but when when j when you realize jb's move isn't your dad and new girl is one of them when you talk about chicago and he goes never been garbage city i fucking laugh every time man that episode was crazy because i directed that one and it was that's right you directed most of the last season right uh no just that one just that one i got a stupid question what does that mean when you direct an episode what is what does literally go into directing so you you essentially you set the you set the stage meaning you're you're making the decisions

on which angles we shot okay yeah what shots we're doing, you know, when you're editing, which storylines to focus more on. And obviously the studio, they have their ideas and their notes because the show has been around. So we have our template of what works and what doesn't work. So you never want to break the formula. So essentially for that week, you're a hired gun to run the set. You know, someone who says, OK, we got it. Let's move on. Now we're going to go shoot over here with a it let's move on now we're gonna go shoot

over here with like a schedule like pacing of how we're shooting it um that's pretty much it and and in performance stuff you're talking to the actor and say hey look i know you're jake johnson and i know you're lazy as fuck i just need you to walk across the room really quick I want to walk across the room I'm from Chicago I don't do that I don't do that alright Jake thank you for disrespecting me I'm the director but you don't care alright thanks

and you know essentially that's how it works on our show and that's it that's pretty much it you get a cool credit at the end. Okay, so sorry. So you're directing the episode and No, and then you know, you hear

they're offering JB. And so you reach out to JB Spook and like, hey man, offer's gonna come and you gotta take it. You gotta take the offer. And he's like, alright, cool man, I'll do it man. I'll do anything for you brother. I got you bro. And so he comes in and got these lines. You gotta say JB is this real simple line, man. I do it, man. I do anything for you, brother. I got you, bro. And so he comes in and got these lines. You got to say, JB, it's this real simple line, man.

Just say, you know, Chicago, never been garbage city. What you saw was probably take seven. Chicago. Oh, we tell you about Chicago, man. It was one time I was in Chicago, man. I had this big booty, Judy. Oh, she's walking across the street. I saw, I saw hips. I said, God damn it. Man, I had this big booty, Judy. Oh, and she was walking across the street. I saw her.

I saw her hips. I said, God damn it. I got to get a piece of the hips. Looked like she had turkeys in each pocket. I said, oh, my God. Is it Thanksgiving already? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

So I'm following her, right? Not like a creep, but I'm following her like a protector. Because it's dark and it's Chicago. You know the rumors. So I had to protect her. And I'm like, JB, what the fuck are you talking about? He goes on and he like when I tell you JB could improvise an entire one man movie by himself.

I'm sure. Never miss a beat. He's that good. He's that good. That's a great impression. Thanksgiving already. We've had JB in like once or twice. I don't think we said three words in the whole interview. It's like, hello and go, dude. Just go.

He came in like white suit, had his white hat on. Body, his sunglasses. Legend. Absolute legend. But Woke season two is out April 8th. I love season one. I thought season one, speaking of chemistry, I thought you

and Blake and T-Murf? His name gets with a C. Clovis. You guys are unbelievable. I thought the show was so great. Thank you, man. Season two, we step it up a lot more. We talk about different

storylines with the other characters too. The question in season two is my character wants to be this activist he thinks he doesn't know what to do he all he talks about is that one time that thing happened to him with the police and then everyone else is like what the else you want to talk about i don't know and it's like that's all you're going to talk about he's like that is old bro and so he's he's worried that he's becoming this performative overnight activist. And he's like, you know, is this even what I want to do? So, you know, and then, you know, the question is what happens when you got the microphone and you got the cameras on you and you get a little bit of money?

Do you still stand behind all that shit you were talking? Yeah, yeah. You know? Well, in season one, I they when you get fired from the the syndication company and they're like you got to do it like legend like john legend where you got to do 10 years of ordinary people before you can get before you can get woke and you went right into it i went right into woke equals broke you know and like damn you know and you find and we play around

with that a lot because there's a lot of like there's a lot of performative stuff out there there are people who are real activists who really want to like change things in the city

that they live in or you know but then there are other cats who are like man this might be cool for Instagram real quick yeah absolutely I mean it's all

followers and shit reposting stuff that doesn't yeah you got like you know activists being like my promo code promo code woke for 20 i think in the trailer for season two you have that where uh keith's on a bus on the bus and one of the some white guy is like hey man i just want to let you know like i still post a black square on instagram every every week and you're like, yeah, you can stop doing that. But it's such a fine line.

And then it's like, okay, yeah, it's performative, but it's spreading the message. So is it really a bad thing? And who am I to put that down? You go in circles where it's like... You go in circles. And that's what we talk about on the show too. The ally stuff. How do you do that?

How do you become an ally and you know and it's both sides of the coin you know we got blake anderson on our show who's like man i just want to help and i'm like yeah but you ain't got to burn shit down it's like the revolution's dead bro you know what i mean so it's like there's all types of people you know what it is because what any activism is trying to do unfortunately is like a decade

multiple decades long process and nobody ain't got time for shit and that shit nobody likes that exactly that's why it's like

let's get this done like today so I'll burn down Target you know what I mean exactly let's do it quickly yeah the reality is it's like you got to vote

and get the right people in and change things slowly and blah, blah, blah. And people are like, uh... That's not fun. I like instant gratification. I skip YouTube commercials.

Yeah. Five seconds? Oh, I always hit skip ad. Yeah. Always hit skip ad. Somebody got mad at me the other day. They were like,

you don't pay for premium YouTube. What are you doing? I said, what is premium YouTube? They're like, you can skip the ads. I was like, or I could just click skip. you don't pay for premium youtube so what is premium youtube i'll wait you can skip the ads i was like or i could just click skip yeah man but no the show the show is one of those i i just say that the show essentially is it's for everybody a lot of people hear the title woke and they go oh no this is this sounds like some you know it's not for me and i'm like no it is it's just a mirror of everything that we see that's happening right now well that's the whole conversation what is was there

concern about naming it that because like there's unfortunately it's gonna be a whole half of america who might be like that's not for me exactly you know and that's and that was that was the issue they had all kinds of titles that they were playing with and woke seemed to be the one that was like okay you know what it might it our show just asks the question right whatever that topic may be just ask the question there's no answer we don't give answers to anything it just brings up the debate you know and that title is the same way it's like well what is woke right i don't know all right let's watch it maybe it's maybe it's not what i think it is and then and then people are pleasantly surprised right you know what i mean or do you have the folks who really want that

want to see woke you know they like the title and then they watch it in there and then they like the show you know um so it it just it i like to tell people all the time it's still a comedy man it's a fucking comedy it's a it's a comedy it's very funny one of my favorite scenes is a great it's actually it's it's like a perfect scene in television because there are three separate things going on. It's Clovis and Ayanna on the couch, and they're trying to work out, I think, Clovis' female issues and Ayanna's female issues, and then you and your girlfriend, whose name, I'm very bad with character names, I apologize.

Oh, yeah. Rose MacGyver is her real name. Rose MacGyver. And then you guys are kind of breaking up but she's wondering why you had colored her into blackface on your cartoon and then and then

Lake Anderson and then Gunther's in the middle of a threesome where he's it's a guy him and a guy and a chick but he's high on mushrooms and he's trying to be like a 21st century dude and he chick, but he's high on mushrooms. And he's trying to be like a 21st century dude. And he starts grabbing the guy's dick. The guy's like, yo, what's up?

The guy's like, what are you doing, man? Like, what's up? There's so much going on in all three rooms. Like, bouncing. And everybody keeps kind of crossing over. Everybody keeps kind of coming back to the living room for a second to regather. It's an unbelievable scene. Yeah, man.

That was one of the episodes that people talk about. And if you don't watch the show, then you won't know. You might think you were just like on a soapbox preaching. And it's like, no, that's not the case. So I think this season people will really get it. You know, again, we talk about a lot of different shit in the weirdest in the weirdest ways you know i just did kimmel the other day and and i talked about one of the one of the real essential points of our show is when we're just trying to figure out if white people wash their

legs or not yeah gravity dude gravity we just have gravity we're good i've said i don't and i've realized in the shower more recently, I do. I'm a leg washer. I don't get down to the feet. I did get a pedicure the other day, though. Not too bad. Pedicure's great. Pedicure's so great.

But I get down to ankle. I get down to ankle. There's just no way my knees are dirty, bro. It's just not. It's sweaty, though. I'm sweating right now. I don't sweat on the bottom half. I sweat on the top half. I sweat. It's just a. It's sweaty, though. I'm sweating right now. I don't sweat on the bottom half. I sweat on the top half.

I sweat. It's just a little bit of like. But the water and the soap just do it for you. It's fine. It's like it trickles down your body. It is so funny, particularly on Twitter, when you see like the white versus black cultural divides. Wash cloths is another big one.

Dude, there was one the other day where wash cloths is a big one. There was one the other day where washcloths is a big one. There was one the other day, Paula Patton, I believe was her name. Her fried chicken. I was watching the video and it was a TikTok and it was a black lady who was kind of watching. You put yourself in a TikTok. She was like, oh no, Paula, that chicken's not clean.

That chicken's not clean because she ran under the water. I don't know what she's talking about. How are you supposed to clean it? Wait, is it for soap? There's a big difference. That is another thing. People use soap?

No, you don't use soap. You would use vinegar. Really? You would use water and vinegar to get in there and clean it, you know, to clean it more. Bro, I'll be honest. I barely run it under the water. I was going to say, also, once it's on the pan and cooking, you're killing all that shit anyway. Mind you, I get food

poisoning all the time. He's like, I'm sick now. I'm sick now. He's always on the phone. I've had E. coli, so don't worry about me. He's like, I like my pork medium rare. He's like, I always got swine flu. But I don't watch it old school diseases no man yeah that's what you got to do but i'll tell you this i'm not a chef uh you know so when like my mom does that

when i was coming up my mom my grandma they always wash the meat first like they take the water and vinegar and just do a quick little massaging of it and getting that that whatever is on it off i didn't understand that because i wasaging of it and getting that, that whatever is on it off. I didn't understand that. Cause I was like that water or that oven or that oil is so hot. Yeah. Isn't it killing anything that's, that's on there.

That's what I would think. You would think, you know, and I used to think that when you, when you, when you wash the chicken like that before you cook it, you're drying it out, you know,

but you know, apparently not because whenever i had you know old black lady chicken it was not dry yeah old black lady chicken is good is where it's at for chicken it's where it's at you know if it ain't an old black lady in that kitchen cooking that fried chicken good luck i do love when like for the most part I know What things I do That are quirky Or white Or you know

Different from other But every now The best thing on Twitter Is when Somebody really doesn't know You know what I mean Like They just post themselves

Doing something In the shower In the kitchen With their food With their clothes Whatever And they Just

It's that avalanche And you know like When you learn something That's like Oh I had no idea this was like specific to us it's hilarious that's how i was i genuinely don't know how old you i wouldn't have known that it was a brand new thing yeah oh my god so when i first moved i was i was born and raised in the south side of chicago all black neighborhood then i moved to the west burbs which which is predominantly white. I mean, it's a little it's mixed. You know, you got some Middle Eastern Asian folks. You got a couple of black folks out

there, but it was predominantly white. And I remember after PE or basketball practice, something like that, after the showers, I just did what I normally do. I go in my bag and I bring out my cocoa butter lotion. My lotion is a big one for the whites. We just caught on to lotion, man. Everybody looked at me like, I mean, I remember one kid going, Morris, the fuck are you doing? That's like straight out of a Chappelle skit. What the fuck are you doing?

I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, what's in your hand? What are you, a girl or something? I'm a black man. I was like, no, man, my skin gets ashy. They were like, what's in your hand? What are you, a girl or something? I'm a black man. I was like, no, man, my skin gets ashy. They were like, what's ashy? I showed him. I said, oh, gather around. So my skin gets dry

because of this. And if you go like this, then you'll see how dry that looks. They're like, am I ashy? I was like, you probably are. You can't see it. Bill Burr's got a bit about that. He's like, white people get itchy in the winter, and they're scratching their backs against door frames.

I don't know what happens. He's like, your skin's dry. What are you talking about? There's a literal reason why black don't crack. It's because of the lotion. We're cracking up all over the place. And so, yeah, by the end of that, everyone was just gathered around. And then people started bringing

lotion to school. It was so funny. Some kids were using it for other reasons. Stop beating off practice. You're beating off at school with lotion? Come on. That's not a cultural thing. You got a problem, man. School's for a dry beat.

Don't do it. I'm saying don't make a mess. That is fucking great, man. Dry beat. Give me a dry beat. The beat made me think of another little new girl crossover kind of. When you and Nick are trying to – you had your Men of Means Day, and you're trying to get back, and you go up to the street drummer,

and you say it first, and then Nick says it, where you just go, black man, black man, black man. I say that in my head all the time i'm like i know i should like i know i shouldn't be doing but it's just so catchy for some reason you know what's so funny is jake jake so jake is when i say one of the funniest people he i just had a feeling he was gonna to do that. He just did that on his own. I go up and then he just goes, that's the exact same thing.

Like, man, black, red, red. Oh man. I think we've, uh,

we've asked this question before. What would we ask? We asked Jake who he thinks he should have ended up with on the show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who who he thinks he should have ended up with on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who do you think Jake should have ended up? What's his name? Nick. Nick should have ended up with on the show.

You guys have seen the show. Come on. Schmidt. You know what? I think that was the exact answer. I think we said that. That was Max's answer. Max's answer.

I think he said it the same exact way. That was Max's answer. I think he said it the same exact way. That's fucking hilarious. That was the biggest romance there. In all time. And we've been talking lately about how the homie bromances are far better.

We've been talking a lot lately about how... Chicks are the worst. It's all about the homies. A question we got before was for the rest of your life, would you rather make a girl cum or make the homies laugh? And we were like,

you gotta make the homies laugh. Not one guy in the room took the girl. Everyone was like, I'll take making the homies laugh. They never made a girl come before that's why i'm 33 why start now it's like i'm good uh yeah no i i'm not gonna lie probably probably be the same thing yeah you're just like fucking around so much you're like oh this is it right here that's the thing my day's doing that doing that. It's just a matter of time.

It's like you're in the bedroom for a fraction of your life. The rest of your time, trying to make the homies laugh. Yeah. All right, dude. We appreciate the time as is. Come on anytime you want, but Woke Season 2 is out April 8th. I appreciate that. It's awesome.

I strongly recommend it. It is very, very good. And we got a welcome to our show podcast Zoe Hannah Simone we shoot the shit a little bit kind of like this we just talk about old episodes and try to break down some things here and there we had Jake on recently

and then Mac's gonna come on and Damon and everybody's gonna come on and just kind of fuck around a little bit those are such a hit these days, man. Once you get on a hit show like that, you can do it for life. You can make a career, money, and fans for life off that. It's crazy. Absolutely. I'm paying

fans out there to give them Winston tattoos on their face. On their face? Yeah. How much are you paying? I'm paying them $10 million each. Things are going really well for the morning. Oh, guys, I live in a castle. With so many serpents.

There's some guys here, I'm looking at one, gets reckless tattoos on the regular. Really? Yeah, yeah, pretty stupid. Not on the regular so really yeah yeah pretty stupid not on the face but you know there's money involved and for something with new girl like shit man you so I'm getting a tattoo I'm gonna get

this one oh hell yeah so the artist that I play on the show drew this for me because it's a real guy who I play on woke and I was like I want to get a tattoo to commemorate you know this achievement in my life that's such a cool thing

I've wondered about it with like because I saw it with with Jon Snow and the Stark family they all got like the house Stark tattoo I think that's so cool when you have a show where you can kind of I mean it's such an important part of your life it's something you've devoted so much to that –

It's an era of your life. Why wouldn't you get a tattoo of it? And I think those are some of the coolest tattoos, like show tattoos, kind of shit like that. Absolutely. What would the new girl tattoo be? The Griffin? The new girl tattoo?

It would probably be a small picture of, like, right here of, like, Ferguson. Oh, yeah. It might be, like, that or, like, Prank Sinatra it might be like i'm like that or like pranks pranks yeah something like that so you know a lot of fans they come up to me they want to talk about those things and they go man you know a lot of a lot of actors shun away from that but i go man this is a big part of my life yeah right yeah you know luco saved my life you know what i mean like i i was like damn this is this show is a blessing for sure so you know anytime anytime fans want to talk about that's one that's another reason why we're doing the podcast because it was

so much talking about it that we're just like you know let's go do a show and it is like so clear with with shows with chemistry where how how easy it is to do the podcast where you're like I I've listened to a few episodes of the Always Sunny podcast I love Always Sunny yeah for sure and you're like oh it's just They can talk about it forever. It's exactly the characters because they put so much of themselves into the characters that it is very, very similar. It's almost the extension of the show. Absolutely.

And fans love it. Fans love to hear it. They love to see it. And especially with streaming, everybody keeps re-airing and re-licensing the show. So it's like the show won't let the show die the show will live forever it's streaming and it's also the huge emergence of mental

illness has been a huge part because I learned and this is something I do very often I get a show and I re-watch it a hundred times and I learned that that's what people with high anxiety do because you know what's going to happen. So you're comforted watching the show.

And when I heard that, I was like, oh, that makes a lot of my life make sense. Keep New Girl and Woke on repeat. All those anxious folks out there. And what's the name of the podcast? Welcome to our show? Welcome to our show. Awesome, man.

All right, go check it all out, people. And thanks for the time. Anytime you want, come back on. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good one, bro. Take it easy. welcome to our show welcome to our show awesome man all right go check it all out people and uh thanks for the time anytime you want come back on thank you so much thank you thank you have a good one bro take it easy all right see ya all right big shout out to lamorne let's get into our second interview now with pete holmes very funny comic he's got a new show on uh cbs just roll with it and uh this interview is it's funny of course because you know we're on it and he's a comedian but the the knowledge that pete drops and like you get like we get like philosophical and thoughtful on this

is that people crave chaos i was like oh fuck and then i craved chaos for yeah you know what i i didn't speak up because i'm kind of a pussy but at one point he said something about like craving chaos when you're like a little kid and i was like that was not me bro he was like you love when you're like late and you're running late and you're not getting to class or something i was like i don't like see i think i but like i disagree with him but my actions speak louder yeah they agree because guess what i've been late for everything my entire life i'm in a rush constantly right right there's a reason if i if i didn't love it i'd fix it smart man it's pete holmes on kfc radio like those guys yeah they're funny they're clowns you know when someone reminds you of someone you used to know and you're like,

I was listening to you, by the way. They're clowns. I heard you. It's one of my pet peeves. Oh, I'm just, you say something that I say something. Is it my turn to talk yet? Okay, good. I Leno'd you.

But he looks like someone I used to know. Which one? In Chicago. Unfortunately, they didn't remind me of their names, so I didn't get it. The long hair guy? Beard guy. Yeah. Beard guy.

Beard guy, the Dan. And he's actually from Chicago, so that makes sense. Could have been him. Could have been him for all you know. What if you were like, his name is Jeff Sienna? That would have been great. I'd be like, oh, he didn't just remind me of the guy. He is the guy.

You have a whole interview with a guy that you knew. I mean, if that was Jeff Sienna, I would have loved to catch up. The people that you start comedy with, it's like those are your foxhole buddies. Yeah, right. I don't mean to say it was the same. No, but in getting to talk to so many comedians now, the whole industry together, you guys all kind of stick together, but the people that you were, you're class, if you will, it's like you would murder a person for these other people, you know? Absolutely.

And also, well, not literally. Absolutely. These days? That's the inspiration. You can't do anything. Holmes is a murderer. You can't even murder anybody anymore. Also, the people that were ahead of you.

So let's say I was a freshman. I was a freshman with Kumail and Malaney and lots of wonderful people. Decent squad. Yeah. It was actually like an absurdly great squad. Hannibal. She was an absurdly great squad. And then if there are people that are sophomores, juniors, or seniors, they're always sophomores,

juniors, and seniors. In your mind. Like I'll never, I'll never, yes, in my mind, I'll never big time.

Not that I would, but like, you'll never look down. It doesn't matter what your success is, right? Exactly. Yeah. You are ahead of me.

Right, right. You'll always be older than me. Which is funny because like, you know, you've, let's say you've had more success or you're doing a show and they're not, but it's like,

you'll always be like, that's why it's so hard to come up with an example right now. Because if I say, like, blah, blah, blah, I'd be like, I've laughed at that dude five times. And I still show him respect. Can you believe it? I don't even spit in his face when I see him. I shake his hand and say hello. I gave him a noogie.

I gave him a noogie. Actually, nothing makes me sadder. This is real talk. When, if I go somewhere where they used to be mean to me, like let's say a club. Yeah. And now they're nice. Yeah. I would hate that.

I would be like, no, fuck you guys. It makes me feel sad and alone. You could go angry. And I don't quite get to anger, but it just makes, it reminds you of of I don't know, man. Like this is the dark side of show business as a whole. It's like it's a business that like being like, I love you is puts food in your mouth. Pretending to love somebody. What I mean is they don't love me now and they didn't hate me then.

Right. Right. Sort of a plant. Yes. You're right. And now we talk this way to this plant. But you were always peanuts on the bar. Yes. No, you're right. And now we talk this way to this plant, but you were always peanuts on the bar. Right.

But now this peanut, more people come and watch that peanut, so it'll be nice. I completely get it. Sure. It just reminds me of a side of myself and a side of all of us where we can be fake. Well, really, you should do, though. That makes sense. And actually, even you explaining it is quite depressing. It is sad.

I'm just picturing a sad peanut on a bar. No, really, really depressing. Mr. Peanut. He takes out the monocle. He's crying. Mr. It is sad. That was, that peanut, I'm just picturing a sad peanut on a bar and it's really, really depressing. Mr. Peanut, he takes out the monocle. He's crying. Mr. Peanut's like, peanut butter comes out. You're already salty.

You don't need to cry on your own. That's the funny guy. I mean, you said something there where you're like, I don't get angry. Well, what gets you angry?

Yeah, I don't feel like you get angry much. Do you? Come on. Define anger. What do you do when you're angry? Are don't get angry well what gets you yeah i don't feel like you get angry much do you come on well when i i'll find anger what do you do in your anger are you like i vent okay and the hoop that i'm sticking down the wheel i'll just leave that on the street i'll look at my dog i mean you know what gets me mad and you guys might relate to this, because I'm assuming you work with advertisers. If an advertiser emails me and says, what were the ratings? Even though that wasn't part of the deal.

I get really. Good, good. You should. Not to them. No. Oh, of course not. I immediately tuck my tail, and I'm just like, I'm so pleased to report that we're on track to hit.

No one knows. Or if they say you read the wrong copy. Like this has happened to me a few times on my podcast. I immediately see red and I'm like, I hate that. You know what it is? Like for real? I've given it a lot of thought because it's such a trigger for me. Is I think my mom loved me too much.

And she made me believe. and I love my mom. It's one of the reasons I'm a comedian, is because she fluffed me up so much. You're the prettiest boy in school. You're the most handsome boy in the world. So if an advertiser emails me and goes, you actually said 10%, it's actually 20% off. I hate that.

I go like, in my mind, I'm like, my mom said you should be lucky that I'm even saying your name. You know what is so funny? I'm experiencing this now with my mom as a grandma. And I made the horrible mistake of telling her my daughter – I have a six and a four-year-old. My daughter got like her first report card. And my daughter is pretty – like she can really – she's pretty advanced and pretty cool. She should have gotten straight A's, if you will.

I'm already there. My daughter's three and a half. And I'm already like, you gave her a B? So that's, yeah, she got like a needs and, no, not even. I think she just got a satisfactory instead of like all of the time. I'm already livid and this hasn't happened to me yet. And I told my mom that. And she was like, are you kidding me?

They should be lucky to be graced by her. And this is your daughter in the future with a podcast going like, you should kiss my ass. As I'm thinking about it, I'm like, they gave me money to say something. I didn't say it. But I'm like, you should still give me money. Sometimes they're pretty picky where it's like, all right. I've had that happen. I say 10%.

I get that that's not the best deal because it's more. But if they're going to go, they're going to do it and they're going to see 20%. Yeah, it's like – Have you done that? I've done it too where I'm like, but I read 95% of the – 99% of the ads. That's a good grade. That's a good grade. I got an A+.

What they should do is like, okay, if you want to give me 95% of the money, okay. But I shouldn't have to do a whole new one because I screwed up one little bit of one. You should get a 5% extra. And I feel like it's capitalizing, as they should, on the fact that they know that it's just you talking for $60,000. Yeah. You can conceptualize that. It's the easiest money in the world. Yes, but I'm exposing your product to this many people.

But they're like, but you're also just talking for 60 seconds. That I've thought about a lot. And that's what calms me down. I go, wait, I'm just talking for 60 seconds. What it is, though, and I've figured out how to spin this to argue our point, is like when we read an ad read, it's not hard. We're not grinding. We're we read an ad read it's not hard we're not grinding we're just reading an ad read but it's the audience that we're delivering that we did grind for you know what i mean so it's like i'm not working hard right now doing your ad read i worked hard to have the

audience to to make it even matter to me yeah you're giving me the kobe bryant contract yeah you know i'm at the end of my rope and I'm probably not going to win a championship, but I had a hell of a career and I'll take $40 million a year, please. Thank you very much. You earned it. Yeah, but I still – I mean, some of the people who are – with the really, really successful podcast are reading 60-second ad reads and probably making like $100,000.

And it's fucking insane to think that. I thought about it. At a certain point, there has to be a cap i know or a bubble or no i think people i mean like a plateau a bubble something i took my ratings and then my rate and then i somebody told me rogan gets 11 million or something right so i was So it's $100 billion. Every time he says me on these.com slash weird, he gets $100 billion? And I was like, you can't. It's got to. Yeah, I think. I think.

You can't. You can't. It's just not possible, right? I mean, the CPM thing is a formula, so I guess you could just plug the numbers in. Here's hoping you and I both find out at some point. Yes. Amen, brother. Like, actually, your numbers are so big, we have to cap it. That's why this is going to sound forced, but on How We Roll, I'd be on the set, right?

So it's about bowling. We'd be in a bowling alley, and the ads would be fake, right? So this is what we're talking about. It's like it would say – it wouldn't say Cacacalla Classic, but let's say it does. Sure, sure, sure. And I'm like, I don't understand. It wouldn't say Cacacalla Classic, but let's say it does. And I'm like, I don't understand. Why not go to Coca-Cola?

Because I love the show. I'm like, you maybe get another writer or another guest star if we say Coca-Cola. Sure. Why not? Because four million people watched our premiere. That's a lot of eyeballs, right? Congrats, man. Yeah, it was huge. It was great.

One of them. Oh, thanks, my friend. I really mean it. I got you caught. I love this show, and I love working on it so much. I'm really... It made me cry. He cried.

I swear to God. I swear to God. I get that a lot. Do you? Yeah. I cried episode one. Well, I got a lot going on in my life right now. I wasn't going to give you full credit, but we all do.

I'm on the edge at all times right now, and I got a little edge when you got your third horseshoe. Well, they took the take where I cried a little bit. But I mean, who doesn't have a lot going on? That's why these kind of shows hit. And these shows, especially about a family supporting somebody. The show would be totally different if my character Tom Smallwood was like, I want to be a bowler. Deal with it.

And just like went out and did it. It's not that. It's he kind of believes in himself. That's so many of us kind of believe in ourselves. It's so relatable.

But you need someone else to be like, go for it. You need a lot of people to be like, go for it. Well, that's why it's how we roll. It's not how I roll. There could have been

the how I roll show. That's what it's like being a comedian. She's like, I got in my Subaru and I drove to Minneapolis and I asked the club owner for a shot. It's all you. This is all about a family and it's about his coach.

It's about his friends. It's about Michigan. And true story. So that always helps too because it's like a lot of sitcoms are just like, oh, yeah, there's a husband and a wife and a kid in this. And it's like, but this one really happened. So it's not just a Hollywood script. Brian Darcy James, there's a husband and a wife and a kid and it's like, but this one really happened, so it's not just a Hollywood script. Brian Darcy James, who's a wonderful actor,

who was the original King George in Hamilton, which I think is the coolest, he produced the show. He was the original? I didn't know that. Yeah, he was the original. And then I think he left and then it blew up, which I think is really funny. I think he jokes that he's the Pete Best. The best one.

Right before the ship came in. But he had the idea. He found the story. He's the Pete Best. The best one. Right before the ship came in. But he had the idea. He found the story. He's from Saginaw, Michigan. He knew about Tom. And then Mark Gross, the wonderful stand-up, wrote it. But yeah, I think it is the story we need right now. A lot of people were crying.

You're also breaking Hollywood norms in the sense that you're huge. You mean tall? Tall. And Tommy Smallwood is 5'6". No, I know. Robert Smith, the bowler, not the guy from The Cure. He came and he coached me in bowling

and the first thing he said, he was like, you have like four feet on the real Tom. And four feet on like every actor in Hollywood. You're like the anti-Jack Reacher like it's not Tom Cruise playing Jack Reacher it's Pete Holmes

playing Tom Smallwood we flipped it yeah sometimes you go bigger right yeah no I'm surprised that that's never been an issue

as much as we all grew up hearing about Tom Cruise and his actresses had to be a certain height or whatever yeah and honestly that's true of everybody you're you're matching to the lead no matter who it is um it's ain't nobody

matching you brother well shy mcbride who plays my coach he's also he's six five yeah when you guys kind of eyed up i was wondering i was like oh this is some hollywood magic it's never happened in my career you know it actually came to mind because you guys have me a little bit lower than you. We did that because recently – We wanted to dominate and establish dominance. Because recently someone came up to me in a bar and said, you look like one of the – He said, you're one of the only people I've ever seen who are taller and skinnier on camera. So then –

Right to his face. Right to his face. In then... Right to his face. In person. So then yesterday when we were recording the podcast, someone gave the idea I should have the chair lower. So now you'll surprise people. Now people will see it and be like, whoa, you look a little bigger than we thought.

But people on the internet are going to be like, you look like a tiny little bitch. I was going to say, more people are seeing you on the internet than they're seeing you on the phone. I'm a completely normal-sized person. I'm above average-sized, in fact. You're way above average. I can vouch.

One of the questions we've asked is, would you rather look good in person or look better than you do look in person or on the internet? Or photograph, yeah. And I think nowadays I would probably pick the internet, which is a sad, sad thought. But I'm going to...

Many, many, many, many more people. I see like five people in person total. See, like these guys and my family. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. But I'm on the internet all the goddamn time. You've got the Philip K. Dick kind of sci-fi angle of like, that is reality. That's life now.

Yeah, like where it is, all of a sudden it flips. It's like, I'll be hot in the metaverse. Like, I sound like such an old person, but I was once on a- Well, I would go in person Because I'm trying to opt out as much as I can From only living online But that's like a luxury now It's like saying you fly private

I post and ghost on my social You can follow me and you'll see where I'm performing And all that sort of stuff This is me on Instagram And I'm not proud to admit this Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you stuff but i used to this is me on instagram and i'm not proud to admit this fuck you fuck yeah my friends bad fuck you fuck you mosha fuck you that looks like a delicious meal i didn't get to

eat yeah and it's hard i don't think that's what my wife is doing val is on instagram like and she's like oh melissa's pregnant you know, look at this recipe and look at this. All I was doing. And then I'd go to my messages and the rambling. Oh, then forget about it. Oh, you do that. What are you, not that? That's just like, oh, and then I put my hand in the fire. It is.

It's putting your head out the window of a very busy street. And if you listen carefully, someone's like, I love you. And you're like, oh, okay. And someone's like, you should die. And worse, someone's like, I'm going to kill you! Or something like that. Like, weird, weird shit. And I was like, it's an eight ball.

I'm not a drug guy, but it's an upper and a downer at the same time. And you realize, my great spiritual teacher, Richard Rohr, taught me, it's actually psychology. He's like, a good compliment. If I go, you are a handsome man, you are a handsome man. Thank you, sir. You are, too. You've got the height, the hair, the eyes. Beautiful.

You're beautiful. Okay, now we've both had a compliment, right? Notice I didn't pick you. I'm just going to hear a very handsome man. Don't worry, I did. Don't worry, I did, and I'll never forget. Well, that's actually my point. A negative, this is the Velcro Teflon theory, right?

Velcro, negative. Let's say you are handsome, for real. Handsome man. Thank you. You should have seen him a week ago you I'm really locking on to you and making sure you hear that but if I say you suck I'm not saying that

but if I say you suck that sticks like Velcro absolutely there's something about our psychology it just negative is always gonna like stay in your brain the brain

look at the the trash fires that get movement started in this country you like they know on Instagram Facebook whatever

that if they can incite you, I'm not saying they do it on purpose, but the medium itself does it, you'll stay on much longer. It's a much hotter energy. And I notice I'd read three messages, literally, I love you, I was going through a dark time in my life, your comedy made a difference to me. And I'm not saying it didn't mean anything, but the Velcro Teflon theory is that's Teflon. Like someone says, I love you. It slides right off.

Unless you take, I believe it's 15 seconds to consciously like savor it. Yeah. The fact that someone got on, found your name, wrote you the thing. And that's what I do when I'm doing stand up and I don't feel like it. I'm like these, you have to remember these are human beings. Each and every one of them got a sitter, their money yeah they a lot of them work jobs it's it's I one of the saddest things is how many of us are working jobs we don't like to get money that we then pay to do things that we do like I always go right to like we used to just be in like a meadow

you know what I mean and there was fruit and animals all around. And somebody got the idea to be like, well, I'm faster and stronger, so I'll hoard and then I'll give it to you. And then, you know, why don't you go sweep those leaves with a palm branch? And this is just the norm now. So anyway, all that aside, I go, some of these people hauled ass, ripped ass. I like saying ripped ass. I know it means farted. They ripped ass at a job that they didn't like, and they saved up that money to come out and see me.

And I don't fucking feel like it. It's like George on Seinfeld. I don't have a job. I'm single. You have dish. Detail. Get in the fucking mood. That's how I get in touch with gratitude and trying to be present.

And also just like, I don't know, I'm a big believer in gratitude. But I will tell you. I mean, especially for comics, you guys, I'm always so impressed when I look at the tour dates you guys put up. It's just like thousands of days. And a lot of those days, I mean, eight days a week. It's crazy. It's hard to stay. It's hard to let it be special because it stops being special.

Well, I kind of experienced it for really the first time. We do a live podcast. Very different from stand-up. But we did two shows at the Wilbur. That's not that different. Well, it is in the sense that we don't have a routine that we know we're going to deliver. It's still pretty freestyling. So the first show, I had this funny story happen to me earlier in the day,

and I told the story at the first show, and it was very funny. Everybody was laughing. I loved telling it. And the second time, just second time, one hour later, I wasn't into telling it. I was like, I already told this part,

and the crowd was kind of laughing, and I was like, that was just twice that I had to redo something, let alone hundreds of times that you guys do. It's very empathetic of you picking up on that so this is what's interesting about the quarantine for me for the past couple years right it doesn't even matter if you have a dream job I have my dream job I'm a comedian I can't believe it I love it it's unbelievable I'm so grateful and even as a comedian during that time I did what everybody did which was what don't I like in my life and how would I change it?

Like we all got this reminder of our mortality and we all had this time where we were locked away and kind of isolated to rethink our lives. And that's why I got to be honest. I didn't. Yeah. Well, we all had the time to do it, whether or not we did it. Yeah, I had the time. You were never washing a dish just going like, I didn't do a thing. I didn't have any.

But also it's because our lives are basically permanent quarantines. Yeah, it is. That's not that much different. We didn't quarantine for very long. We didn't quarantine for as long as the rest of the world did. We were there like, I think we did two months before we were back in the office. Yeah, you need more than that to break in. And so, yeah, I was just like, I think we did two months of like, before we were back in the office. You need more than that to break. And so, yeah, I was just like, I was cool.

We were in LA. Years. You guys are still in it. I'm actually at home right now. But it's like, it was a long time. But like, that's why I feel how we roll is a timely show about going for a dream. That's why you're getting emotional. I think in, at least in part,

is like so many people that I know use the quarantine or were forced by the quarantine to go like, wait a minute, what am I doing? And they know if they're going to make a change, it doesn't have to be going for a dream like becoming a bowler or becoming a comedian,

but any change, you're fucked if you don't have support. And that's why when Katie Lowe's, who plays my wife, is like, no, you have to do this. And my son is like, you have to do this. And my coach is like, you have to do this. And then finally my character basically relents. Under what? It's like snapping under love.

We need to see that. It's funny. The shows we were watching before the world got as wild as it is, it was all like pot boilers. It was all like, I loved watching Breaking Bad and stuff. Oh. And now I'm like, can I just see Ted Lasso? Our show is on Ted Lasso. That's why Ted Lasso really hit.

It killed the quarantine or the pandemic, whatever. It did kill the age of the antihero, which lasted 30 years. It did. It started with Tony Stark. Everybody liked the bad guy a little bit. And then we got Schitt's Creek, and we were like, wait, characters can be awesome and nice and grow and like get better every season.

And then Ted Lasso got us there. And our show is, you know, I don't want to flatter ourselves and say it's it's it's exactly like Ted Lasso, but it's in the spirit of Ted Lasso. It's an under under service sport that you think they're going to make fun of. Like, I thought Ted Lasso, we're going to have a lot of soccer jokes. No, no, no. It's not bowling. Yeah. Nin have a lot of soccer jokes. No. No, it's... Bowling, yeah. 90% of the world loves this sport.

Let's show America why. Yeah. And then also bowling, I thought it was all going to be like, I got greasy fingers from the chicken wings. It isn't bad. Right. Like, the bowling alley also is just like this excuse

to be together. Right. Which I think also from the quarantine, we're like, this podcast, look, I love promoting it, but this is my favorite part, is being with people. And as a lone, not a lone wolf sounds cool. I just mean like I can be a little bit introverted. Also could sound dangerous, lone wolf.

Yes, exactly. Let's stay away from that one. He was a nice guy. It turned out he was a lone wolf. As a recluse who just stays in his apartment most of the time uh no but like i sort of need my job to force me into community yeah and a lot of people do that and also my hobby is my job so stand-up comedy and bowling are similar it's these places you go i love that tonight if i go to the cellar uh with brabiglia tonight We'll see people we know. And that's the point.

Like, I actually think, not to get too existential, this whole thing, and I'm gesturing to reality, is an excuse to be together. And now I am getting a little woo-woo. No, I agree with that. I very strongly agree with that. If you think that there was an indivisible source of life, right, the energy that animates all things,

most of history has called this God. Right. But we don't have to. Whatever it is. You said there was a beginning. There was one thing and it was by itself. And the one becomes many. The point of life is life.

Right. Right. The point of life is even you and I having a disagreement. Sure. Or you and I falling in love with the same person. We want it all. Right. I'm trying to do this bit where I'm like, you know when you're running late for a flight

and you're like, where are my keys? Yeah. Where are my keys? I got out of the fucking Uber's here. And you're panicking. Don't you kind of love it? Isn't there something deep down? Because when you were a kid, that's what you did.

You pretended that you had somewhere to be and that you were late. You wanted conflict and you wanted a goal. Right. Just like a movie. Right. You want a goal and a conflict. So now you're doing it. So even as you're stressing out, you're like,

I'm a grown up. I'm trying to love it. It exactly happened recently. And I did feel accomplished when I got on the plane. I was out of gas and I couldn't wait. We did it. We did it, man. Valerie and I, we talk about this all the time. We were in Chicago and we were running late for a flight.

And I'm really lame, or you could say very efficient, meaning I don't mess around. If my flight is at 7 and I get an email from Delta, they're like, hey, it's spring break, so you might want to get there early. I get there early. You're a father. It's a gift. And also a father. But I was traveling alone. I didn't go alone.

But once you become a father, it doesn't matter. You're a father. I get it. It's a gift. And also a father. But I was traveling alone. I didn't go alone. But once you become a father, it doesn't matter. You're a father at all times. You're never an off-duty cop. And if you don't get to the show, the show doesn't happen, and you don't get paid. And you can't pay your rent. You learn to get to the airport really early. Now I do it because I want to be the chill guy. I love going to the airport.

I love the airport, too, and I still don't do it early. I love hanging out at the bar at the airport or just kind of meandering around at the airport like i got i love the airport too and i still don't do it early like i love hanging out at the bar at the airport or just kind of meandering around an airport and i still fucking sit on my couch yeah dude not even the tv on just being like i just sit and scroll and be like i still got five minutes so i have to leave it doesn't make any sense that might be an unconscious desire for what we're talking about yeah you like the chaos. It's like when you unconsciously keep dating the same type of person that hates you. Why do you do this?

You're cutting deep so often. This is like the fifth time. You don't even know what you're hitting on. You're like a psychiatrist, man. Forget about the comedy and the acting. There's been like six times. Katana blades over here. Just dicing me up.

Fucking A. Holy moly But I think we like everything But also I don't I also I thrive in conflict In a sense where Because I I've been working out

More recently I was telling this story How I jump rope On my back porch But I don't really like Listening to music So I listen to comedy albums And one I've been listening to Is yours Your newest newest one, and forgive me, I forget the name,

because I think Spotify... Dirty Clean. Spotify fucked us with that. Oh, I don't know if they took it. I just meant, like, you kind of don't even check album titles anymore. Oh, you listen to it on Spotify? Yeah, and it's kind of hit play and put it away, and I work out. I thought it was all off.

I didn't mean to interrupt. This was in the last few months. Okay, then it's back. Okay. Hey, great. And so, it's interrupt. This was in the last few months. Okay, then it's back. Okay. Hey, great. And so it's actually, I look like an insane person on my porch because I jump rope and sometimes I'm just cackling at me. And I'm laughing.

Talk about a lone wolf. That's fucking psychopathic. That's a lone wolf. That's when we saw that we should have known. Yeah, like when you stop, you start cleaning your gun. Sometimes I'll accidentally hit myself in the toe and it'll hurt. So I'll be like. Yeah, like, when you stop, you start cleaning your gun. Sometimes I'll accidentally hit myself in the toe and it'll hurt,

so I'll be like, ah, fuck! It's insane. It's insane. But I believe it's in that special that you have a joke about how you, like,

you don't give a shit about traffic. When people get angry and they're like, oh, traffic sucks. When did that happen for you? Now I like this bit more because it's like,

actually, you like it. Yeah. That's the next step is it's not just that you don't? Now I like this bit more because it's like actually you like it. Yeah. That's the next step. It's not just that you don't mind it. And even if you hate it, you love hating it. When I was like, you're alive. I just love like, I'm like, when people are like changing lanes, I'm like, what are you doing? Who fucking?

You love it. I hate Waze. We'll get off the highway and we'll go on a rural route and hit red lights all the time. Why would you fucking sit here? Waze hates me. Somebody showed me at the Waze corporate headquarters. They have my face on their trash bin.

And it says, like, Pete Holmes suggestion file. Somebody texted it. What? I don't know if it's still there. Fuck you, Waze. I've always hated Waze. I hate Waze a lot more now. I like Google Maps, too. Sorry. Suck it, Waze. The reason I hate Waze is because

Good luck without us three. It's what's wrong with the human brain actually is that like instead of sitting for two minutes in traffic, you'll save those two minutes by careening through a residential neighborhood. The last time I used Waze real, I ran over a skateboard. There was a skateboard rolling into the road and I ran it over.

I'm like, I don't belong on this road. Right. And also, where the fuck are you going? We started talking about how fake show business can be and how we sort of sell our smile. And I know that doesn't sound that weird because we're all like we're selling our smile to each other. But if you can really get back in touch with like base humanity, like what it means to be alive, like hundreds, thousands of years ago as a human being, that is like the fucking saddest idea that you would. I remember I went to Uganda and one of the things I was a teenager was people were like Americans smile when they're not happy I was like and I was like you I was like

wow you've cut me to my core today well I'm actually devastated right now and if there's any way you can carve out because look I'm in show business too and I love show business I'm not one of these people that's like it's a necessary evil.

I sort of love all the razzmatazz. Because to your point, sometimes you fucking need it. Like, I went and saw Mr. Saturday Night last night with Billy Crystal, and it was great. Were they in the mood? Were they in the mood? You get in the mood, Mr. Crystal! And he does. And there's something beautiful about that.

They're also selling tickets for a theater and there's all this profit and all that stuff. Sure. But like at the end of the day, even though it's like the weirdest thing humans can be doing, it's also the most natural things humans can be doing, which is like you're low. I'm going to pick up a palm leaf and make you laugh. This is like in our DNA. There's a beautiful thing that Jack Kornfield taught me. It was like the beginning of society.

Somebody asked this anthropologist, when do you think human civilization began? And they were expecting that maybe they were going to say fire or caves or family or whatever it might be. And they were like, we found a bone, like a really, really old human femur bone that had been mended. And he was like, that's the beginning of society. Somebody fixed you. And I don't want to sound up my own ass, but like that's comedy. Yeah, you're fixing people. Yeah, you're trying to help.

You're entertaining. Like for real. Please don't misunderstand and think I'm saying this is like more special. That's cooking a meal for somebody. That's listening to somebody. That's smiling at somebody on the bus. It's what we do. It's these gifts that we give away that what we say, what we do and how we behave matters. And if I say my example, I just did this with the other guys, but I was like, that's a cool

sweatshirt. If I say that, it actually matters. Not only does it maybe make you feel nice about your sweatshirt, but you are so much more likely to remember that someone made you feel good and make someone else feel good. I don't mean to be Haley Joel Osmond, pay it forward right now, but I'm just like, like shit matters. And when you watch a show like How We Roll and you're watching and you're like, these are people supporting each other, as weird as it is, you're more likely to support somebody.

It changes you. We've said that a lot on this show that particularly men don't do it enough to each other where like you don't like and we've we've made concept efforts to be like walking through the office and be like bro nice shirt dude yeah like you're kind of like oh yeah all right yeah like i remember reading something at some point in my life where it was like talking about like the amount of hugs a man gets in his life very low number comparatively speaking to a woman or whatever and where the science came from i don't fucking know yeah but it was like 113 and it was like it's like it was like a guy will remember like every time he's told he looks handsome or pretty because like it doesn't and women it happens to probably too often with cat calls and

all that kind of shit but with with a guy it's like they're never they never get compliments so we're like we're gonna start doing it more we're gonna start going through the office and then i think we've hit a breaking point where now people are like he just says it to everything now i know you're lying now we're chicks now we're just girls we become women it is true though i i used to think it was so funny that you'd say, have a good weekend. Because I was like, what is this spell I think I'm casting? What control do any of us have over the weekend? But then the bit went like, I'm thinking about your weekend.

If you get late, text me the word finance. If you get late, I'll know what it means. But then that was my attitude before. But now my attitude is like like everything is so insanely interconnected. It's one of the reasons why advertising works. You see people drinking Coke on the beach. You go like, Coke is a fun time on the beach. Use that for us.

That's to get you to buy soda. That is what it is. But you can also use it, have a good weekend. I'm reminding you for, to set an intention. That's very L.A. But to have, be reminded of the possibility that there are good weekends and bad weekends. Right. So have a good one.

Pick a good one. And it slightly just points your compass towards a good weekend. We know this. When I do my podcast, the better episodes, I sit down and I go, let's fucking blow these people away. Yeah. The guest. With how much I'm listening, with how much I'm yes-anding their premises. And let's blow the audience.

Let's have a great episode. When I sit down to write a script, I go, and I heard Paul Thomas Anderson said this when he sits down to write his movies. He goes, I want to write an amazing movie. That sounds stupid. It's not stupid, guys. Like, advertising works. Subliminal, unconscious, subconscious, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. I could show you the things that I've gotten from Instagram ads and it's insane. All of it. So use that for your benefit at no cost to

you. Just with your words, with your face, with eye contact. Give a compliment to I do it when I'm on stage. I sometimes talk about this and I'll say, that's a great sweater. I guarantee that person is like, this is my lucky sweater. Right, right. P. Holmes is famous and he liked what I wear. That's crazy. Amen, brother.

That's why you're doing so well. You got a lot of good things going in your life. One last question before we let you go. We always bust, everybody busts Chris DiStefano's balls because I think every single comic

in the world was in Crashing except for Chris DiStefano. Why was Chris DiStefano not in Crashing? It's because you hate his guts? Yeah. Yeah.

I knew it. I knew it. Not all the time. Three of us again. Eat all the food. I knew it. Not all the time. Three of us again. Cut the camera. I'm doing a bit. I'm doing a bit. You know that is funny.

I think about that all the time as I'm like, the people that weren't on Crashing. It's like... No, it's not. It's just the person. Yeah, the person. Well, Neil Brennan said that to me.

He was like, I wouldn't do Mark Maron's podcast if he asked me and I was like why and he goes I'm not the 590th most interesting person he knows

and I was like that is a very absurd way of looking at it now I'll have you you book a show you know what I mean like my

we're in the 400s on my show my 409th guest is not the 409th most interesting person no of course not that's not how it works at all I book my show as a matter of fact guest is not the 409th No, of course not. That's not how it works at all. I book my show

like a bunch of bullshit. As a matter of fact, we're getting more interesting because you get bigger. You get bigger and better. But I'm also just walking around, running into people. Right, what interests you

in the moment. I'll literally watch a show and go, oh, that guy's great. That's what we do. Did you remind Neil that Barack Obama was like the 300th?

Yeah, he wasn't the first one. Look, I'm not putting down Neil. Neil! But, you can, now I sound like the 300th. Yeah, he wasn't the first one. Look, I'm not putting down Neil. Neil! But you can – now I sound like the girl on We Crash. But you can – the things you can choose to be offended by are endless. Endless. Absolutely. I'm joking.

I could have raised my seat if I wanted to. But if I was like, they lowered me. They lowered me. Or this is warm water. Yeah. This is warm. Room temperature, not warm. It's room me. Or, this is warm water. Room temperature, not warm. It's room temperature. They distracted me with a bikini model.

You can always pick to be upset about something. Exactly. Or you can just be like, this is all a dream in the most beautiful way. I think the people who do think like that, because I know some. Everyone knows some. But particularly in entertainment, everyone kind of thinks that someone's out to get them for some reason. And I'll be like, what are you talking about? They're definitely, they did that on purpose.

They did it on purpose, dude. I don't know what problem they're in. Blame it. You're not that important. They didn't do it on purpose. They didn't even think about you. They don't even know if that bothers you. It's just great things I learned.

When I, you know, I went to a Christian college and I was very religious. And then after my divorce, I certainly lost my faith as it appeared. And there was this time when I would go out and get loaded in New York. And the next morning, I was that person that would want to send texts to be like, I'm so sorry. Like, I hugged you. I'm sorry. I said you're not handsome like like it would be

that sort of stuff and it was so liberating when somebody was like nobody gives a shit right yeah yeah it's okay they did it too we did it nobody remembers that was the point is like yeah it was this actual hidden beauty in something that you might have seen as like certainly religious people would have been like getting drunk is like wrong and evil and and it was actually beautiful i was like wait the world isn't about me and and you can be a jackass and sometimes you are too loud and and you did hug that person and or you know you grabbed your friend real hard or whatever it might have been and it's okay because one of the best things you can do is realize that it's not about you. That's what having kids has certainly helped me.

And you just go like, who fucking? It doesn't matter. What were you worried about a month ago? What were you worried about yesterday? Ten seconds ago, yeah. So just fucking surrender. We're all the same. We're all going like, do they like me?

Do I look shy? I've had the water. Shut the fuck up. It's like the key. We're all going like, do they like me? Do I look good? Do I look shy? I've had the water. Shut the fuck up. It's like the key. Amen. Shut up. Yeah, it really is. Everyone's doing the same thing.

Just you're in the river. Just let go and float. Let go and float. That's the words right there. How we roll. CBS Thursday nights. Thursdays after ghosts. So it's on at 930 on CBS.

It's also on Paramount Plus. That's the one with the big mountain. The big mountain, yep. So it's on at 9.30 on CBS. It's also on Paramount+. That's the one with the big mountain. The big mountain, yep. So please watch it. It would mean so much to me. And it matters that you watch it now because they're watching it. It's like the old school. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like watch it now. So please watch it now. Get the ratings up, yep. It would mean a lot to me. All right, Pete. Thanks so much, Pete. Thank you. Thanks for watching.

If you're watching on YouTube, click here to subscribe so that you get all the new episodes as they come out. And, John, what should they click if they want notifications? A bell icon. Make sure you click thumbs up for the like. Hit that bell icon. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.