KFC Radio - Lil Sas and Feits Are Extremely Nervous For Their Comedy Sketch Show Debut - Full Episode

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

Go watch Out of Order starring Feitelberg & Lil Sasquatch, Created by Mikey Pavinelli & Owen Roeder : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEY2lyQYtVQ&t=645s +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ - Out of Order makes its debut and Feits is extremely nervous - Dan Orlovsky Washes his towels after 30 uses - Feits wants to do hard boiled pocket eggs - Ari did the grossest thing on our show - Jackie didn't record the Ari ATI and we come up with her punishment - Lil Sas + Owen + Pavs join to talk about OOO - ATIA - stripper roommate - feits lost his package - Video Voicemails - 06 Ari Shaffir Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 00:00:00 Out of Order makes its debut 00:22:02 Dan Orlovsky Washes his towels after 30 uses 00:38:48 Pocket Eggs 00:50:27 Ari did the grossest thing on our show 00:54:14 Jackie didn't record the Ari ATI 01:03:23 Lil Sas + Owen + Pavs join to talk about OOO 01:21:08 ATIA 01:37:21 https://www.instagram.com/p/CpsXfRFu62w/ 01:41:03 Video Voicemails 01:47:47 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTXUyD2krIU 02:03:06 Ari Shaffir Interview Catch the rest of the podcast here: https://linktr.ee/kfcr +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Catch the rest of the podcast here: https://linktr.ee/kfcr #KFCRadio #BarstoolSports #outoforderYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. He's like, you're the weird one. You brought your dad. You brought her dad. It's wrestling. Yeah. It's all very, very funny. You keep saying that like it means something.

It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. KFC Radio Live is coming to you in April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November. Starting off in Texas. It's our first time in Texas, right? We've never gone there? Never as a show, no. I've only been like twice. I've only gone to Houston for the Super Bowl.

Houston and Austin for a UT football game. That fucking sucked. You guys sucked. Come to the show. We're going to Dallas. We're going to Houston. We're going to Austin. And then in May, we're back to the Northeast. We'll be at the

Wilbur in Boston, and we will be at Stanford, Connecticut right after the Wilbur. You can check our dates. It's the end of April and the middle of May. So if you're in any of those cities, come see us live. It's funny as fuck. It's a funny show. It is a very funny show.

I'm very excited for the show. It's not nearly as funny as fuck it's a funny show it is very funny show i'm very excited for the show i it's not nearly as funny as your sketch show you're you're gonna have to probably like look the other way because i'm gonna be effusive with my praise but out of order is the new uh barstool sketch comedy show it's feidelberg and sass and pavs and owen you know the duo you're always used to the duo you never knew you needed uh i just heard that that uh adoption is was the first sketch you guys ever did yeah floored by that really i would have the first time sass never talked yeah yeah i the the chemistry you guys had when you were like You both at the same time Were like I thought I was going to be a boy

I thought I was going to be a boy Like I would have bet That that was rehearsed No Well kind of Because it was like Our second time film But no

They were telling Well I don't know How you did it But I know that there was Like an attempt to reshoot it And it wasn't as funny But like the first That being the first

Oh so we went with the original Yeah I haven't told you this So we did Whoops a little No but that's good because like that's what i thought yeah i was like there was no point i knew you probably wouldn't have watched it so i was like so i i showed i showed sassano and i was like am i crazier was the first one just like perfect and that's what it was yeah the first one was better yeah for sure okay so

that was the first one then right yeah because i know there's like some technical stuff to reshoot it but you can't recapture the magic of that. The fact that that was just, I don't know who was playing off of who or if it was just serendipity, but that's when you know. I always like to look at things through the lens of the script. The script is the hottest joke in the streets, right? Everything's scripted. We got our script.

We read the script. But the script will read that one day when out of order was like the beginning of something big like did you know that was the first sketch those guys ever did together like no practice no rehearsal no nothing like that you need to have that story in the beginning to make sure it's good in the end if you guys if it was just normal it wouldn't be a big thing it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy the fact that you had that little nugget of like so if you haven't seen it yet out of order is the new sketch show uh that these guys have been working on and the first episode has three skits that are all like high level sketch

show worthy you know like it's it's right up there with gillian keeves it reminds me all right all right it reminds me of chapelle's no premises i'm not even kidding you those ideas of like what if what if this you know what if that were this way or what if these guys did that like the the catch a predator sketch sketch is it sketch or i feel like one thing is one thing they consider offensive. I've had people apologize, really. I don't know if that's... I don't know what you call it.

I think skit is more demeaning. Oh, your little skits? Yeah. This is sketch comedy, bro. But, man, that Predator sketch is so fucking funny. I mean, I wish you were here, or I wish we were filming it. I walked in the door. I watched it as I was driving in.

And then I was watching it like the final sketch as I walked into the office. And, I mean, I was in tears. I was like laughing, like genuinely laughing so fucking hard. And I was like, I wish Feidelberg was here because he'll never believe in himself otherwise. Like he needs hardcore evidence that this shit is so funny. I wouldn't have been within 10 miles of you if I knew you were watching that. I know. I know you wouldn't.

But, man, like, every line of that one was just like, I'm here to fuck the 14. I was just, like, howling. When we pitched that one, it was, like, the original idea we wrote was that they were going to both be Chris Hansen. And they were going to be, like, two camera crews. Warring Hansens. And then, like, within, like, 30 seconds, Fights fights was like what if I'm wearing like a jacked suit and then sass like jump right in and like yeah and then I will be like it was just like it happened right before eyes that's how you know it's a good fit like you gotta have the right chemistry between

the people doing it uh is I I'll never see it um never but But it was – We just said that. Like, you will never watch an episode of this. He said – It was very funny shooting it. I hope it translates. He said at 3.30 in the morning when you were in Amsterdam, you texted him, like, show me an episode. And I said, I bet you he doesn't even remember watching that. No, no.

I don't know if I watched it. I probably just said, like, that's great. Never mind. I can understand that because I can't watch myself talking when it's just talking about stuff like let alone like I'm trying to act or trying to do something funny

so I get it but also I'm telling you you can watch it because it's fucking hilarious and it's all so high quality even I've seen the opening, the opening is very cool the opening is really cool also the in between shit cool yeah all of the also the in-between shit the the subway uh yeah all that stuff the yeah i've seen the new york

city b-roll yeah and i like that it was cool but that also separates it like from everything else that we've done um even the adoption like the the baby doll is a weird thing that you're like wait a minute like what is going on here but it sets the tone for like a weird show yeah and then also like then you just get into like the dialogue of it and you think about like the idea of what if you got a white girl when you wanted a black boy it is it comes in hot it's very funny i'll say this i i i slept maybe a half hour last night really you're nervous i'm so nervous Bro, like 5 a.m. I was up, like, just like in my bed.

I watched fucking The Fugitive. I watched Psych a lot. Like, it was, I was so stressed. I couldn't watch. And I, at first, I, I'm surprised you didn't just go

with the Has Fallen series. I feel like that's your go-to. I considered it, because, dude, I was watching comedy, and like, That was making it worse? It was making it worse,

just because, like, there's, there's almost more tension in comedy comedy where it's like comedically. And so like that was making me so anxious. So I was just putting on like the fugitive and like – because action movies are just action movies. It is whatever. And yeah, I thought about the Fallen Friends, but I was like – I was hoping I would fall asleep. So I didn't want shootouts to wake me up.

Yeah. And the fugitive was kind of in between where there's like a couple of 80s fight scenes. It was like a pow, pow, kabo a couple of 80s fight scenes where it's like a pow! Kaboom! Or 90s, whatever it was. But it is... It's nerve-wracking to release something new. I mean, it's been like 10 years since I did something really new.

Well, that's the thing. It's like it's... I mean, making a gambler was a great idea and worked really well. You've done one thing I learned in making a gambler. You've done things. But this is also...

But one thing I learned is just telling stories I've told and I know people like them. Right. When I do a podcast, like I – when I come in here, I'm not like, fuck, I hope people like it. I know. No, because you've been doing it for 10 years. And it's like – that's not to say I know everything is a fucking knockout.

I know one of the bad ones too. I'm like, ah, I'll get it next time. But it's also a very like people – I've actually, I thought of this the other day, that, like, the reason why podcasting is different and why it works and why it, like, changed the game is it's the only, like, passive entertainment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, so when you do bomb, it doesn't really matter, you know, because it's, like, half the people didn't even hear it.

And they'll also just tune in the next time because it's whatever. If you put together a comedy act and you get on stage and you bomb, it's like, oh, boy. You put together a scripted show. Like, the stakes are much higher. There's no stakes in podcasting. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, we know that you're going to kind of suck every now and then because you're on the mic like 100 million hours in a year. But, yeah, I totally understand being more nervous about something like this.

And it's not to make too much of it. We're still just fucking high school kids and adult bodies doing dumb things with their friends. Write that down. That's the pitch. When sales people are like, what is it? High school kids and adult bodies doing – Oh, this show is never getting sold. Bro, they barely sell this show. This will make make zero dollars we have one ad this week

we have one ad this week we have hundreds of thousands of downloads been doing for a decade your shit will never even sniff a cent not even a penny this is the passion project folks i think i even just said this and i tried to say it politely i don't know if these guys noticed but um there was some legal issues With To Catch a Predator Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, dude In the first episode

We're mad that we got a white baby And we're talking about Fucking 14-year-old kids Never getting sold Bro, but also Again, the script The narrative It's like always Sonny doing

Well, let's get a Sonny sale team Then we'll talk about it But you know It's like the first episode Sonny's got fucking Co cores light we can't talk to a porn star about college without losing our fucking beer salesman the uh i i was saying like i i would probably ask for forgiveness and not permission on that one and just roll with to catch a predator but i was also thinking uh two things. Number one, it doesn't...

I don't think it changes it. I do think it's fine. I don't think it changes it. But it doesn't change the skit, so it's not worth the lawsuit. But also, number two, no one is going to sue over this for the show. But what I said, and I do genuinely mean it... Although the lawsuit could be nice, almost like when PMT got sued

by ESPN right away. Yeah, getting sued is a good thing. Yeah. We were hoping to have Catholic church protesters. Yeah, that would be good. That would be great. But I said, you know, this is the first... This is the...

So we're trying to do a Barstool comedy. Barstool New York is trying to turn... Go subscribe to YouTube if you haven't. Go watch the show if you haven't. Yeah, it's going to be all new social channels. It's a whole new era a Barstool comedy. Barstool New York is trying to turn it into... Go subscribe to YouTube if you haven't. Go watch the show if you haven't. Yeah, we got... It's going to be all new social channels. It's a whole new era of Barstool. We're talking about bringing on comics and entertainers. And I think I've said this before on this show, but the idea is to become a comedy network

and a distribution hub and all that shit for everyone from stand-up comics to sketch shows and everything in between and this is kind of the unofficial launch of it yeah and i very unofficial but i'm like this i have no problem with this being the first thing out on you know under the barstool comedy umbrella because it's exactly what I, first of all, have always wanted Barstool to be. I think sketch comedy, there's a reason why people love Chappelle's show and it's remembered for years after

because you remember a sketch. You can love a stand-up act and you might remember a couple jokes or whatever. People will still be like, do you remember the Charlie Murphy skit? Do you remember the rig? You know, whatever. So people will, you know, when they're good, they're memorable.

They stick with you. And this one is for sure good. It's got the quality that you need. And I – there was a time at Barstool where I would say – where I would have said everybody and everything we put out is fucking money. And not that I don't, you know, there's still a ton of very funny people here, but there's also some things that I don't think are funny.

And some people who I don't think work as hard and some content that I don't think is up to snuff. And this is like something you can be proud of Barstool, like make Barstool proud again. Like, like I, I could definitely say like, you know,

go watch out of Order with these guys. It's fucking funny. And maybe you have different preferences or whatever, but the quality is for sure there. I mean, that doesn't surprise me just because I know the producers who worked on it. Look at the quality of the people. They've worked crazy hard. There's no weak link. Shout out to Bardog.

Bardog was great in the Catholic in the uh uh the the catholic skit those jokes were great who's that it's uh he's like the producer i can't watch that one because i'm not in it he's uh one of the producers for matt and shane oh yeah yeah yeah and i i recognize his voice i never i didn't know what he looked like yet because i've never seen him before but i always listen to their podcast so his voice is very recognizable i was like is that guard dog uh so was like, is that Guard Dog? So yeah, working people in like that, and I'm hoping that it's a collaborative thing,

and you have guest appearances. I very much want it to be that. Because I honestly think that, I think obviously I wouldn't do something if I didn't think it was funny, but I think some of our better sketches, whatever the fuck we're supposed to call them, are to come. Because they need more people.

A lot of these are limited cast members. Because it's the first couple guys starting. I hope people like it. I hope people want to be a part of it. And again, it will be a passion project that makes no money. Come on over and have some fun. It's not a big corporate to-do. We don't have to worry about being profitable.

Revenue. Fuck that. But yeah, so about you know being profitable revenue fuck that um the uh but yeah so like i think i i i think it's funny as a script i think it's funny like i know when we filmed it it's in a room full of funny people and everyone laughed yeah and like you think it's funny which surprises me to be honest i didn't think you were gonna like it that's how good it is sometimes i don't like weird shit yeah and this is good weird and then like like i i i was almost nervous because i was like sometimes i don't get the weird shit yeah i remember when like barstool van talk came out and they were showing me some of the stuff and i

was like cool man like you guys are killing it so i'm sure it's right but i don't get what the fuck that was at all and i know you know some of the younger guys like the younger humor is sometimes weirder for me and i was like no, no, no, this is wheelhouse. Weird, but funny. So I give it the cosine for if you're 30, 35 years old, used to that old style of humor. It holds up for sure. Roan, when I was – I was never having a panic attack. I was nervous.

I'm stressed. It is weird. Again, it is something pretty new. Again, we did Make Me a Gambler, like we did make a gambler and we did, that was kind of a short run. Turns out when you make a comedy show about gambling and you have regulators breathing on your neck, you can't say what you want to say anymore.

Yeah. That one got out. You gotta put that one in the trash. Um, the, uh, but the, um,

you know, like I said, like one thing I learned was whatever, but like, I was, it's just like, it's just stresses that I haven't really had since we started doing podcasts. We were doing something.

I was like, fuck, how does this work? And shit like that. And Roan started texting me at 2 a.m. last night. And I was like, Roan and I are boys, but we don't really talk. I was like, dude, I'm so nervous. It's funny. And he's like, no, it's great. He's like, you have a hit.

And I'm like, I don't know. It's great to hear that because I'm texting Sass and telling him. Me and him never talk. So it's like, you know, it's going to – that's the whole plan, man. That's what like the whole dream for mine has always been is like those kind of things where it's like that, you know, like maybe you didn't even realize it. But now that you know that like Feidelberg and Sass has some sort of weird chemistry, like let's go. And it doesn't have to be like son of a boy dad and KFC radio, like, never touches each other.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, this is an awesome way to do something different, set the tone, you know, start the atmosphere we want. And then it's just, you know, it's just fucking funny. It's so much easier. Like, you know what it is? It's the perfect in-between. You can't, like, recommend a podcast. You can recommend an the perfect in between you can't like recommend a podcast you can recommend an overall podcast but you can't be like hey man listen to this episode

yeah yeah unless it's like you know amazing and it's about a singular topic because it's like you're recommending an hour and a half long thing and then that's you cannot recommend kfc radio to anybody like what the fuck is this listening for like three plus years you're not it because it was going on if you tune into the first like idiots talking about if you turn it you could put on radio for the first like 45 minutes and be like i still don't get it and then the flip side is this like extremely shareable but kind of low quality tiktok world where it's like you can share it with all your friends and it's going to get views but let's be honest half of them are just like people playing clips of music and whether or not they remember songs yeah yeah so this is in between where it's

like it's quality but still short form and like i mean there is a there is a need for that kind of shit still where it's like you know we were even talking before you came in about how to share it and pavs was like should i uh shoot it vertical so that we can put it on reels i was like i'm not gonna do that i want to do square but nick was like no you got to do that to to get because it'll get suppressed by instagram and i was like i think you should just go into it and be like it's it is what it is it's better consumed this way we're not asking you to sit down for two hours we're asking to watch 11 minutes you'll also probably put them out individually

we're not going to bow to the algorithm we're not going to fucking do what sizing we have here it is I tend to think that as well if someone smarter than me tells me otherwise we'll do that it's probably a happy medium the pendulum I think is a little bit

swinging back of like people i think are annoyed with algorithms and yeah and for you pages and all that kind of shit and it's like this is a little bit more like uh that shit i've never word of mouth never done that and it's my shit with with like social is is i just don't need another medium where people tell me to go fuck myself um so like i like i've i've clearly i think uh had something of a a reckoning with social media but i've never used the for you pages i never i i and like that that's why this is like particularly nerve-wracking for me because like i didn't i don't do tiktok because it's like i don't know i'm scared yeah and i basically i'm a coward. I was going to say, I can tell there's some... It's not a coward.

It's just a fear of doing something. I know you didn't want it to be a big push. It was like, we're just going to put out a new show. That's because it's a risk and you're nervous. You're in your comfort zone. My comfort zone is really fucking comfortable. And it's tight.

My comfort zone is this fucking big. It has to be that way. Guess what? My comfort zone is really fucking comfortable. And it's tight. My comfort zone is like this fucking big. But when you got a hit on your hands, like I think we should all out blitz this shit because it is. I want to I want it to get in front of as many eyeballs as possible. Do your duty. Share it on your page. Tell your friends about it. Spread it word of mouth because first of all it does take a little bit more effort than just this bullshit you know and there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes and uh and so they you know deserve it for that but also like if you want better like the right now everyone i think most people like in our comedy world in our uh not

comp like our sense of humor world our you know are like like fuck tiktok and fuck the algorithm shit it's like well then fucking change it do something about it like you guys are let the world has let the the the platforms take over where it's like if you were to spread and talk about out of order and push the good shit make sure you use the right hashtags though what does that mean like make sure you use the right hashtags though what does that mean like make sure you when you're sharing it use the hashtags that'll catch up in the algorithm let's still absolutely utilize the algorithm well let's not yeah yeah i mean it's uh it's gonna be great i don't even know what else is in store but i've always said i think i said this

the other day how many times on the show have we been like, oh, we got to make a movie out of that. Let's make a movie. We're like, oh, that's going to be the pilot of our TV show. And all it is is one good idea. And you can't make a two-hour movie out of that. But all of those now have a place to become sketches. And it's all the what ifs. It's like, I really think that's what Chappelle's show was.

It was like, oh, there's that show Wife Swap. What if it was a white and a black family? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here you go. That's actually one of my favorite ones. That's one of the best ones. What if different races could draft biracial people? It's all these concepts that you just play out.

And I think as long as you do that with today's world, there's like an endless amount of them. So I think it's awesome, man. I'm very proud of you. I think it's very cool. I hope so. Like I said, we're in a room full of funny people when we shoot it. Everyone laughs.

Everyone laughs. If that's not, you know. I hope it translates. Yeah. I think also it's very, I'm going to love being able to watch stuff from Barstool that I'm not in. I don't have to worry about it at all. I'm like, oh, a new episode of Battle Royale. Let's go.

I don't know how often we're going to be doing it. Once a month, we think? Once a month. Trying to get four to five in every single one. I think that's a good way to start. Once a week. Then if more people get involved. We'll just go with different people.

If you do end up with a roster of 12 or 15 people that can do it, you can probably bulk up the frequency or the number of whatever. It is hard. We're two people with... 12 or 15 people that can do it. You can probably bulk up the frequency or the number of whatever. But right now, I think... It is hard. I mean, just we're two people with rather busy schedules, to be honest.

It's a joke of a job. There's always shit to do. There's always something. And those things do take a long time. With the producers, it's hard. And Sass is on the road. So it's hard to get everyone's schedule lined up. But then when you do, it's like,

you've got to shoot it, reshoot it, a couple hours, whatever it is. So it's work you know you gotta shoot it reshoot it a couple hours whatever it is so it's it's it's work we should um every sketch we have the idea for right now we should get everything all the costumes wigs shit like that i feel like every day we're like every day we shoot we're like fuck we gotta run to grab this we gotta run to grab that let's just let's after we finish this podcast it was very old barstool like it was like 20 minutes before shooting we We need two costumes. Yeah, right.

Boom mic and three extras. We can't get any of those things. All right. Let me pitch a couple ideas for sketches. Okay. Okay. What if you are a popular football analyst writer and you go on the internet and tell the entire world that you only wash your towels every 30 years?

What if, Dan Orlowski? What if? Dude. entire world that you only wash your towels every 30 years what if dan or losky what if dude so here's the thing with that first of all i quote tweeted it and i was kind of making a joke i was definitely making a joke because i was like this man washes his towel once every one six times a year and and people like you the shocking thing was people you're so bad at math like no i'm joking i shower every other day right not that i'm also were so bad at math. I'm like, no, I'm joking. I shower every other day. Right, right. Also, I am bad at math, but that's a bad reputation to have

when people are like, he's probably not talking about how non-hygienic he is. He just sucks at math. It's a funny joke if someone who can do numbers tells it, but you're retarded, so it's not funny. But the issue, and I've become a more, in my new apartment, in my old apartment, it was very well known. I had one towel that I ripped in half.

Those were my two towels. So that also, if it's a rippable towel, that means it's a shitty towel, too, so that it's like. It was just, no, it was such an old towel. Gratty. It was like a canvas that just kind of split. It was like, easy, rip. That was fucking no problem. But now I've moved.

I have laundry in my unit. And I do it more often now. Well, so here's the thing about 30 uses is either if you shower once a day, that's a month. Also, if you shower like twice a day, that means that towel is fucking wet and used a lot. So either way, because if you said like, I wash that shower, I wash that towel like once every two weeks, I'm like, I don't know, that's probably still not good, but it's not crazy.

But if there's 30 uses in that two weeks, that towel is fucking gross. That's a twice a day. I'm about once every 30 uses, I think. You're doing once every 30? So you shower how often?

I'm about twice a day with a shower, and I'm about I'm over a week with wash. And it's two every day? So when you go back to that towel, is it still damp? Yeah. i do that sometimes too i was about to say i i i i brought this up because it's it's a it's a topic on the internet right now i'm not as like against him as i think some people on the internet are yeah i

what i i don't have but we've learned what people are disgusting disgusting yeah yeah like like dude like it was like people have started say replying to me with other things. They're like, once a month, that's how often you should change your toothbrush. Oh, I haven't changed my toothbrush in like two years. I was like, excuse me? What did you say? Right, right, right. I couldn't tell you the last time I got a new toothbrush.

No, yeah. Probably, yeah, probably closer to two years ago. And then someone goes, sorry, go. Well, you know who fucked me on my toothbrush? It was Biz. Biz came to me in the early days of Chiclets and was like my buddy starting a fucking electric toothbrush company. Like, you got to get one. I'll get you one.

And he wanted me to push it. I'm sure he had a stake in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure it was his buddy. And that came with like one. Ball pissing at me my friend ball pissing at invented a so that came with like one extra toothbrush head and so i swapped that out at one point and then i like i can't find the company anymore because the company is bruce bru with those two dots over but it just puts in brush when you fucking try

to Google it. Do you mean brush? Yeah, I can't find the company. I don't even know if it exists anymore. So I just bought another electric toothbrush head and just fucking jammed it on there. It works fine, but it's not the right fucking company. I should just get

a new toothbrush. Yeah, they're not very expensive. No, but it's you know it's one of those things it's just like it's a thing that's all of these things are things wash my towel get a new toothbrush change my sheets wash my clothes they're all things that i have to do bro the other one someone said was uh like i think that's as often as you're supposed to change a towel a floor floor mat, bathroom mat. That I do actually change. You haven't changed that in years?

Three years. I mean, I live in my apartment three years. Because those, especially if you're showering twice a year, those I can smell. Never touched it. Because it's soaked all the time. Never touched it. Really? Never.

I mean, that doesn't surprise me, but also it's like, fuck. I mean, maybe I'll do it. I never even considered washing my bathroom mat i don't even know what they're called they're called bathroom mats towel you're talking about like the the the thing on carpet yeah yeah okay not like the in the shower like no no those are stupid i'm not 90 those are also like those are just designed to catch like mildew and soap scum underneath it i think they're so like old people don't slip and break their head. Right. It's like – I got good enough balance. Yeah, we're fine.

The towel thing is funny because I don't have an answer for you. I know it's less than every 30, but it's like it's when I finally just like throw it in the hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically when I see another fresh one from like that's folded. I'll just grab that one and throw the other one out. Yeah. So maybe that's five uses, ten uses. Maybe, I don't know, maybe it's 40 uses. And the thing is, I have like 20 towels. Yeah.

But I got two towels that work. I got ten pairs of jeans, I got two that I like. Yeah. Same sort of thing. The other towels are just... We've talked about this extensively. Well, there are towels that towel, and there are towels that look pretty. Yeah.

I want a towel the towels. I want an old ratty towel. I want... I want to take sandpaper. I want to exfoliate when I dry off. I want a towel that when you wet it, you can see the water.

Like a towel gets... Yes. It absorbs it and gets darker where the water is. Because there's other towels that just moves it around your body

and I'm like, is this even wet? It's like a chamois. Yeah, you might as well be drying off with like a Patagonian fleece. Yes, I'm just moving it around. It's like duck feathers. Like what is even happening? I'm just, I'm squeegeeing it down my body, like to my toes.

So I want a thin towel that fucking, you know what I actually like? Why people invent towels that don't towel you off is beyond me. You know what it is? And I know people, if you care about what you're... This is another thing. It's like you really care what your towel motif is in your bathroom. Beach towels are good towels.

Great towels. But they're not fluffy and soft and they don't look pretty, but they will dry you the fuck up. And you look fat when you put it on. Jesus Christ. It looks like you're wearing a clown's pair of pants. With that big oval. Someone can shoot basketballs into your drawers, whatever you call it. The beach towel is big enough for bigger people.

That's another thing. Sometimes I put these bath towels on and they look like washcloths, which I don't even use in the shower. What are those mini towels for? I'm throwing those out that's it i still remember that they ask a black blogger for mo people like wait you just hand towel i still don't think like i don't i don't think you have to use a washcloth i don't think that's that big of a deal i don't i do not use a washcloth i go bar soap but i'm also like i'm not there are things like if you if you were to tell me like i do something gross and i'd be like wow you're right

that is gross like i don't think that one's gross i'm sure you do get cleaner like if you scrub something i just don't like if i if i ever was like in a coal mine for the day i would use a washcloth when i'm just like washing off the day i don't think you need that um and i'm still you know me i go gravity with the legs i'm good with that i i actually do my legs but the weirdest weirdest... People are like, this means you're gross. This is how you're learning I'm gross? I'm disgusting. Don't even get me started. Yesterday was a reckoning

where I was like, I'll probably do my bath mats today. I'll admit that. I didn't even know that. I did my sheets. I'll tell you what. Definitely pre-Amsterdam. Well, here's the thing your sheets are very different sheets are a different game if you are having sex consistently versus if you're not right because that will make you strip the bed some shit goes on in there and it's like i can't we can't sleep in this

like this has got to go but if you're not i i wash my people you know what you really need to wash that you probably don't? Pillow cases. Oh. Because I don't care. My sheets, like, all right, my legs. You're struggling with that there, huh? Yeah. Dude, I'll say this quick aside.

I've started this in. Whenever you kick a nicotine habit, you've got to pick it up again five years later. Naturally. They make it quite hard to open. It's way too hard. Like, a tin you just rips though you just used to just open and now you gotta like line up arrows and shit and it's too much for me it's it's like what we're learning is your your gross end

they've made these nicotine pouches childproof and i can't break through um it might as well be a goddamn Rubik's Cube But the What were we saying The sheets The sheets But pillowcases Because obviously your face and your head's going on there And then when you do

Change your pillowcases And you see the pillow underneath and it's like that yellow here's what i've started doing hello it's like oh my god that means that all went through the pillowcase and that means that's what you know i'm like holy shit i've started i obviously bought new pillows recently thanks to dave for recommending the brand for me i don't know if we're doing free ads still uh But the... Yeah, great pillows. But I raw dog them. So I know. So I'll be like, I'll buy me a new pillow.

Well, that's crazy though. Because pillowcases are way cheaper than pillows. You can do that, but it's also like wearing underwear. You know what I mean? It's like you put a case on the pillow so you don't have to just buy a whole new pillow. Strong argument. It's the only argument. It's why they exist.

No, it's a good one. Because the pillow does get gross, but then the pillowcase blocks it. Yeah. No, it's pretty strong. But that yellow, man, it's the same thing, I guess, as like when you have like an old white T-shirt. It's not so much anymore because deodorant has changed a little bit. But like you used to get yellow. And I'm like, what is going on that that's turning yellow?

Yeah, I thought my dad was a construction worker for like first 10 years of my life right it's like no that has changed a little bit but the fact that pillows get that color just from like it's not like i go to bed sweating every night it's like it just happens from i just living yeah same thing with what if you they say like you like burn for a lot of fat sleeping. Not enough. The same thing happens, I don't get with boxers. I've said this before. When you wear, if you have to wear an old pair of boxers,

like put on yesterday's boxers when you run home from a walk of shame or whatever, and it feels itchy. I'm like, how does just the fabric from yesterday make me feel? Is there little creatures in there? there fucking yeah you know what is the crabs what you're describing is the spd sir the uh with the sheets i i decide i i i can tell i can't tell you how often it happens but i can tell you when i wash my sheets it is when i can't fall asleep the night before because I'm itchy. Oh, my God. Bro, I am no squeaky clean kind of guy, but that's disgusting. Yeah.

When you can feel. Because I eat a lot in bed, too. I was going to say, I thought your answer was going to be when I spill the ice cream in my bed. Well, those are extenuating circumstances. Of course, I will wash then. Obviously. Maybe I'll go to sleep on the couch for maybe a couple days. But then I'll get in there and I'll clean the sheets. But the... Have you seen the...

When I'm like, picking up blue chips, I'm like, God damn. Well, okay, itchy because of like... All of it. Because if it... I also always fall asleep with zins now. So I'll wake up, there'll be like three zins around. You're disgusting.

You're an extenuating circumstance. You're an extenuating circumstance. You are an extenuating circumstance. You are an extenuating circumstance. Let me say how gross this thought is. If you're talking about being itchy because of chips and food and debris, I think that's actually the better of two options. If you're just itchy from you can't see anything on there, but it's just so dirty that you're itchy,

that's grosser than like, oh yeah, this is potato chips. Is this a dried mango? And you know that's true. You know that's not him just picking a fruit that would be ridiculous. He's doing that on purpose. Because he did that. I'm crushing dried mangoes. Like, bro, I'm getting, I'm getting,

I'm eating three mega-sized bags. There's 20 servings per bag. I'm eating, I'm on a three-sized bags. There's 20 servings per bag. I'm on a three-a-week bag click. So I'm eating 60 servings of mangoes a week. And you know what the thing is? If you were living in the Caribbean on a beach and you were eating real mangoes, it would be one thing. These are like dried mangoes in a bag. bag yeah they're the better kind of mangoes not the chip style like

the fucking like air freeze dried or whatever they're called uh i'm gonna put dude 60 servings of mangoes i'm gonna show you the size of the bag for my last amazon 60 that should last you like a year no dude like yo i'll tell you straight up i I won't have six servings of mangoes the rest of my life. I eat $100 worth of mangoes a week. I get three of those bags at $30 a pop. Bro. 28 ounces a pop? You're eating...

Wait, no. You eat one of these bags in a sitting? Is that what you're saying? No, but I eat one every day and a half, two days. It's two pounds. You're eating pounds, dozens of pounds of mangoes. It's so good. 60 servings.

Made in nature, they're called. Free ad for them. Made in nature. Bro, I will straight up never eat a mango. There's a chance i'd never have a mango for the rest of my life and you're having 60 servings a week it's just you know as similar as we are there's certain areas where it's very very different that is crazy great they're great

like because i'm trying to be healthy so like i'm not doing sour patch kids it's kind of like fills the void all right so this is like you're weaning off of something so that's okay that makes more sense but you know to bring it all back like what what happened to dan orlovsky is something that's happened to a lot of us here at barstool sometimes you share something on the internet that you don't realize is a you thing you think that you're saying something very relatable that everyone's going to be like oh yeah me too i'm on a 30 uses schedule too and what i'll tell you dan and this is why i i ultimately you asked me where i stand i'm on his side when it comes to these things people are not truthful it's like they they don't tell the truth about how gross they are it's

like you can put up a poll that says do you pee in the pool and you'll be like 50 no and it's like fuck you yeah yeah because people 100 there are a few things that are 100 pee in the pool uh yeah almost exclusively get the fuck out of here yeah okay you don't you do not you get out of the pool go to the go into the house wet and pee yeah that's oh fuck god i hate it sorry i wish i could say no, but like, yeah. Do you pee in the shower? Yeah. Sometimes. I actually pretty rarely pee in the shower. Really? I will pee in the shower, but I guess I just pee before I go in and I get it.

I mean, yeah, so Jackie's a liar, but whatever. I can actually tell she's telling the truth, which is weird. Yeah, she's almost embarrassed to be telling the truth. She's like, yeah, get out. Sorry, I don't pee in communal puddles. But people, even just if they're sitting in the comfort of their own home and nobody knows, will lie on the internet about these gross things. So there's far more people out there who are probably closer to 30 uses per wash than the internet is acting. But it is funny to see someone be like, send, and they're like, oh, fuck.

Everyone thinks I'm the gross guy now. I saw it like 30 minutes after he tweeted it because he replied to like Marlon Humphries, who's someone I don't follow, so I didn't see it until. Yeah, wait, how did this all come about? He just shared it or was there towel talk? He was talking, I believe, Marlon Humphries on the Ravens. And someone I follow, I follow Orlovsky. I think he's actually pretty great. And someone replied to him, who I follow.

So, like, that brought the thread onto my timeline. Got it. And I think it was 34 minutes after he tweeted it, and I quote tweeted it. But when I quote it, it'd been up for 34 minutes. It already had 1.2 million views. That's all black Twitter, just being like, white people are gross.

That's fucking diesel. Someone said, someone said, man's treating his towel like a skillet. Dude, I'll never forget when Kelly Key got roped into black Twitter and they said that she smells like a wet dog. The best, the best. So, yeah, there's, how about another, I have another sketch idea. You have a coworker who considers bringing hard-boiled eggs in his pockets

in his pockets to the office to eat i'm i can't tell whether i'm grateful or deeply disappointed that you didn't actually do it and you just told me well here's the deal because if you if you pulled out a pocket egg, have you heard about this? Do you guys know what his idea was? Oh, yeah. But he was running late. He wanted to have hard-boiled eggs. So he was going to boil them, put them in his pockets while they still had the shells on.

He was like, don't worry. I'll peel them when I'm at the office. So he was going to come in with pre-boiled eggs, but not yet peeled, and just sit here. Well, it would have been gross if I just had what I was going to eat. Totally. It would have been gross. I don't think it's that crazy. I probably would do it.

It is. Again. It's like you're both dumb and gross and children. If you came here and were just peeling, and it was just smelling, I would fucking kill you. I'd buy a gun and i would shoot you what the only thing that deterred me was the fact that like people would be like it's fake and it's like it's not fake it is like i genuinely yes i i there is an aspect of it too like this would be kind of funny but it is like that was my first thought like you brought like um cases of

ham yeah on road trips i I stand by that. Yeah. Pocket ham. Pocket ham. Pocket eggs. But the, like, it was one of those things, like, I was like, just put it in your pocket. And then I was like, well, that's kind of funny. So, like, it wasn't my first thought. Were you going to put it in a bag, at least?

Like a Ziploc bag? No, I was going to pop it. I was wearing a Carhartt, dude. That's another thing. You know how gross the pockets of your jacket must be Yeah If I was wearing a jacket like this I wouldn't have Not the first eggs in a Carhartt brother

But the Same thing With the mangoes Trying to be a little healthy Trying to not eat all the snacks at work So I like to eat before I come to work now And I just do some hard boiled eggs Yesterday we had re at 10 30 which is usually earlier than we do most interviews and then i was kind of scrambling in the morning and i was like i'll make some more

because i can't make it i can't make scrambled eggs i can but i can't look at it it's too gross to me and then when it like sits in the fucking sink it's too and like there's no garbage disposal in new york so like i have to have to fucking scrape it into a trash. I prefer my eggs other ways, but it makes more sense to just hard boil them. It doesn't repulse me. If you're cooking egg whites, it looks like you're boiling cotton. It's disgusting. Even when I'm trying to be healthy, I'll do two egg whites and I'll put a yellow in it

just to fucking mix it up so it doesn't look like what it is. You need like egg blues with like blue color. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is not cum. Like the purple and green ketchup we used to have back in the day. Yeah, for kids to eat. But so like today – yesterday they were my last two eggs. Today – yesterday I walked home from work.

How many eggs are you crushing? About three a day. That's not bad. Yeah. So you have like a pound of mangoes and three eggs a day. Yeah. Tell you what, it's an upgrade from like ice cream and fucking. Last night I also had salmon and I had lemon chicken and I had a bunch of turkey too.

I wake up at like 4 a.m. and I just fucking fistful cold cuts in my mouth. Eat food and watch action movies. No, I'll go back to bed after 4 a.m. I wake every single night. Like at 4 a.m. I wake up so hungry that I wake up and I'll go fistful. But it's good that you're eating like – because that's usually when you cave and you're like, I'll just eat like a loaf of bread and go back to sleep because you're not thinking. But if you're still doing like only protein, then you're going to get in shape.

It's going to work. We'll see. But let me tell you this much. If you start bringing eggs in your pockets, we just have. I mean, it's straight up Frank Reynolds. Yeah. Can I interest you in eggs? Straight up.

But like, we're disgusting, but we have some semblance of a reputation to upkeep. And you can't be the egg pocket guy. You can't be a natural. Pocket ham, sure. Can I tell you something I did the other day? No, this isn't disgusting. It made me very uncomfortable. It was like Saturday or Sunday

where I had time to make myself a nice egg sandwich for breakfast. I don't have that. I don't. But the... It was like Saturday or Sunday where I had time to make myself a nice egg sandwich for breakfast. I don't have that. I don't. I do. Hard-boiled. But the – It's like the Tasmanian devil. But in the mornings, on Saturdays and Sundays, I got nothing to do.

Yeah, sure. I'll even do my eggs over easy on those days. Yeah, no problem. And I was – I didn't have any turkey or ham cold cuts, so I had eggs and cold cut chicken. Made me very uncomfortable. Really? Because it was like... It's so similar to turkey in my mind.

It wasn't the taste. It was... I was like, this is a baby and their parents. Oh, like you slaughtered the whole family. Yeah. It did not sit well with me i was very i was like biting and looking at and i was like oh my god i'm a fucking animal i don't know how hitler did it it is like um hitler exclusively fucked his niece exclusively yeah like there are other

like he's like no i'm fucking my niece no i think you got her pregnant she killed herself jesus these are burke uh uh hitler facts shout out to burke uh the um that that was a little reference to uh blake griffin's tweet what did he say? I ran over a raccoon the other day, and it still haunts me. Casey Anthony's a monster. It's something along those lines. Maybe it was a squirrel he ran over. I know he was sort of doing stand-up for a while. I hope he retires from the league soon and just does that,

because he's funny enough that he could be a basketball Pat McAfee type. It would not shock me, and I don't really know Blake Griffinin at all i don't even think i've ever met him um i believe we follow each other but i've never met him um it would not shock me to see blake griffin retire from the celtics at some point and uh move to barcelona chicago yeah i could see that i mean like he's he's ripe for for that whole industry um or barstool new york come here too yeah i was gonna say come come on come on down to the comedy world he's definitely more a pmt guest but um if you're in the comedy world though i mean new york's where it's at so um who i was just watching something uh on instagram the other day somebody

uh got he had a 250 000,000 investment in StockX. Did you see this? No. It was Dan Gilbert came to him. This is Blake Griffin? No, no, no. It's another basketball player, I think. He loves, like, sneakers.

And Dan Gilbert is the guy who invented, he's the. Yeah, yeah. I don't think he invented it. I think he bought it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think he, it. I think he bought it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think he broke off. He had a lot of his friends buy into StockX for

equity and it sold for 3.5 billion. Really? Joe Hayden. That's who it was. He invested $250,000 and then he says Eminem, Mark Wahlberg, Usher, a couple other people

got to invest and Joe invested $250,000 and that turned into $14 million because it sold for $3.5 billion. Jesus. Yo, it's like legal drugs. It's like StockX is a cartel. Dan Gilbert is like

Manuel Noriega. You own the product and you control the price and all that shit. It's crazy. You see all those... Also, while we're talking about people getting really rich, shout out Ryan Reynolds. Someone replied to me. You could make the argument that Ryan Reynolds is

right now living the best life. Best male life on the planet earth yeah dude he sold his gin for 600 million 610 610 i mean sold mint mobile for 1.3 billion which was crazy because i was looking at twitter today and I think I texted you about it and it's crazy. It was 1.35 billion and the.35 because in numbers you're used to using, it encouraged you to round down and just say he sold

it for a billion dollars. Yeah. And you forget that that.35 is $350 million. It's a big chunk of cash. That's a big fucking chunk. Yeah. You's a big fucking chunk, yeah. You know what? See, we've got to be smarter, Johnny. We've got to be smarter.

Remember when we did those ads for Mint Mobile? Yeah. We should have done it for equity. We should have said, you know what? From now on, we're going the Beyonce route. We don't do anything for fucking money. We probably did an ad read for Mint Mobile for $2,500. We actually own.00001. We would have ended up with $2,500. We actually own.00001

We would have ended up with $2,500 with a back wing. But man, that's one of those things that... He's going to buy the Ottawa Senators now. He was already going to do it. He was already in talks about it. He's definitely going to do it. He's in on the

soccer team. Wrexham? Yeah. But there's a difference between buying a fourth league in English soccer. Although, you know what? in on the soccer team? Wrexham, yeah. But there's a difference between buying a joke soccer team and a fucking hockey team. Although, you know what? Shout out to the NHL. No, there's not. You could probably

buy the Ottawa Senators for like $150 million. I think they're... You're probably not too far. Let's see what... I was going to say... I was exaggerating. I was going to say like $600 million.

Yeah, okay. It better be above $500 million. But it might not be. Something happened in our lifetimes where sports 900 yeah i was gonna say nine bids some top 900 million dollars because something happened i remember vividly when i was really donald sterling got maybe it maybe it was that maybe they decided to fuck that guy but i remember for 800 million then what's his name bought it flip it for like now it's worth like it's like it's like billions already yeah it's crazy what did donald sterling sell for i it was definitely in the hundreds

millions i remember as a kid when the miami heat were terrible like the ronnie cycli days um that they were valued at like 400 million because i remember joking that if me and my boys ever won Powerball, this was back in the day when Powerball... Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry. He sold them for $2 billion. I still think that's like half, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember joking with my friends that if we ever won Powerball, we're going to buy the Miami Heat.

And it was like feasible because Powerball was always around like $300-$400 million and the Miami Heat was like $400- or $500 million or some shit like that. Now, I mean, every sports team, and I don't know if it was TV rights or something happened with the unions or whatever, but now it exploded. Now the worst WNBA teams are fucking, which, by the way, we talk about later on the show with Ari. It's worth 3.9 now. Yeah, so you basically had a 50% discount. teams are fucking, which by the way we talk about later on the show with Ari, are worth like...

3.9 now. Yeah, so you basically had a 50% discount. The Warriors are the crazy one. The Warriors, what's the guy's name? Fucking... The Oracle dude? Yeah, fucking it's like Joe something I think. No, not Joe Size of the Nets. Whatever his name is.

He definitely bought the Warriors for like hundreds of millions. They were a joke team for a long time. Joe Lacob? Joe Lacob. Okay. I knew there was a joke. You get in on those, forget about it.

Okay. One more sketch idea. Two more. Two more. Two more. You are a podcast guest, and you come to the show with your asshole plugged with toilet paper because your ass was bleeding, and you proceed to pull out the bloody toilet paper and put it on the podcast host's cellular phone ari shafir is on the program today and if you know anything about ari he is a disgusting vile creature and he has no problem sharing all of those facts and one thing he's been very open about is his problems with the bathroom and blood in his shit and he literally uses a man

pawn that he had in his ass the whole interview and then he pulled it out and I don't know why but it's Ari and I'm just like kind of okay with it like I said afterwards it's the Ari Shafir tax he comes on your show you get one of the greatest comics ever he's an og in the podcast world he's insightful and like a really good hang and a really good conversation and interview it's good for business and then he will do something irredeemably bad and you just have to put up with it he might drug you yeah he might you know pull out his shitty tampon and put it on you is there a camera angle of me when he puts out i'd like to see my face um i think i went wide

for all of it okay we can zoom in on it i like i turned my head i turned my head to john and ari was to my right so i turned my head to the. So I didn't see what he was doing. I just saw John's face seeing it, and it was pure fear, terror, and horror. I was like, there's no way that's what it is. I could kind of see it. There's like your shoulder was in the way, and the mic was in the way. I could kind of see it sitting on the water bottle, and I could see red, and I could see like a toilet paper looking thing.

And I was like, that must be a saltwater taffy. There's no way it could possibly be anything else He put it on the table I immediately throw my hood up and pull the drawstrings Like I go into hazmat mode Feidelberg runs out of the room because he's about to puke And while he was out of the room Ari picks it back up and just places it on his cell phone

And as quickly as I could I pulled John's phone away But it still did graze it I should have just told you it didn't I saw it, I was peeking. I should have just told you it didn't. Just for peace of mind. I saw. I was peeking through the door. I had a feeling it touched. And I've cleaned my phone a thousand times now. I am getting a

new phone. It is very clear. The RE tax is John has to pay out of pocket for a new cell phone. That's what's great. It's like RE came on the show and it cost you like a thousand dollars. Because I can't look at... I went to Apple right away yesterday and it was a 45 minute wait and I was like, well, I'll take $1,000. Because I can't look at – I went to Apple right away yesterday, and it was a 45-minute wait, and I was like, well, I'll get AIDS.

But the – I can't not – when I look at my phone, I can't not see it. It's just – it's like I told you before, it's like in the league. It's forever unclean. It is forever unclean. And you'll always, at the very least think of like ari in general even just thinking about ari's face like ari you fucking gross monster uh so that that could be another sketch for you and then last one is i'm texting with shane about it right now i'm hoping he replies he put it on he explains he put it on lewis j gomez's fucking like face

shane said yeah man that's a classic trick. He is truly vile. Vile is exactly what I said. That is the word that people use for Ari. He's just a vile, and everyone wants to finish it off with Jew, but they're not allowed. It's okay. Ari's a vile Jew. He just is.

Those are facts. That's not an anti-Semite thing. He is a Jew, and he's vile. He's a vile Jew. Last thing. Okay, here's vile. He's a vile Jew. Last thing. Okay, here's the hypothetical. Let's say the same podcast guest who has a man pond in his ass performs like a 20-minute internet series and the producer does not press record on the camera and we need to

come up with a punishment for said person what what would that be hypothetically speaking of course if that were to happen if that were to happen i think the best course of action and i i i've already shared this one with you um i don't know if we're gonna lock it, but I think the best course of action is one week. We get a Staples easy button, which very much resembles a record button, and Jackie has to have a tape to her hand. So you can take it off when you are editing,

because I imagine you need both hands to edit the podcast. Aside from that, when you're out to dinner, when you're out at bars. When you're in the shower, when you're in bed. You have a – and much like the Hank rule. We can call it at any moment. If you text and say, send me a picture, you have ten minutes to reply. I want to make it even less. People do take showers.

People do fall asleep. So you got to be kind of reasonable with it. We'll find out what day is number one. Is it like on my palm? Yes. Okay. So you basically have like a ping pong handle for a hand. I mean, there's so many uses for my hands throughout the day, though.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there are. You know what there are so many uses for? Popular internet videos. Yeah, there are. Hence it being a punishment. You know what there are so many uses for? Popular internet videos. Yeah. So here's my favorite part about the... First of all, new rule. If you fuck up, you have to tell me in person

you can't text me. Because that's not fair. I was going to, but you guys left. And so then Nick was like, tell them right away okay because i because over text it seems like it's it's just it's so much more serious yeah yeah yeah you're backing me into a corner making me look like an asshole and i have to text back being like i just wanted i just because i didn't realize that you guys left i just wanted to like tell you like right right away yeah um the other thing was shout out this this is a phrase that has been used before in Barstool lore.

Shout out to White Sox Dave and his showers. Jackie said, it didn't take. She said she pressed record and it just didn't take. And I'm pretty sure the machine would have just recorded if you pushed the record button. No, but the thing is is it didn't take. Like, it literally, like, you said, are we ready to go? I, like, thought we were, like, waiting for fights,

so I hadn't pressed record yet. I know it wasn't recording. Then I pressed record. But, like, you didn't. Right. So it's not that the camera didn't take. It's that you didn't push. And we are forgetting,

not that it matters at all, but we are forgetting that I did half of, there was half. Well, there's the, who's of Exassle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, to be fair, the answer to the internet was so fucking funny. Ari killed it. Now, I, in order to make this all harmonious and kind of come full circle, I said, why don't we let Ari pick the punishment? Oh, did he have something?

Because he was the one who, you know, technically he wasted his time. Nobody really cares, but whatever. And I said, I didn't phrase it to him as I'm going to let you pick because he's terrifying. Like, who knows what he's going to come up with so i said i will consider your input and being the uh benevolent leader that i am we will not be going with aries because he wanted to incorporate his bloody oh yeah toilet paper so we will not be doing anything with that i don't know he just said it should include that somehow and i was like what do you want me to like come to your house and pick up another fucking this is more than a punishment for me dude right uh okay so

this this will get here on friday so we will start on monday okay okay got it easy button and this is not fucking bean socks this is not like you're gonna do it once and then we're letting you off the hook no you have a fucking a button hand for a week. I know. I feel really bad. I feel really, really bad. You also have to figure out how long Day's Rule was for Hank, because I don't know how to find that kind of thing. What? For a week.

Oh, how long? Hank's was like a month. Hank had to do it for a month. 30 days wearing an I Am Internet Troll shirt, and I think there was a little bit of a grace period on the prove to me you're still using it. Yeah. The only thing is, like, the thing that sucks is you can carry

an easy button in your pocket in your purse yeah put it on you can't like leave the house like he had to wear the shirt so so so she can just be out at like a restaurant and then we text her she puts it on you know so okay if you're out you can't bring a purse either

nah it's too much might have to be something like on her face is it gonna always hit the easy like yeah yeah probably will be great what if i'm sleeping it's a punishment yeah yeah it's supposed to be bad so we might we reserve the right we're gonna we're gonna workshop this because there is ways around this that she's just going to be like, whatever. Yeah. You know? It's still a bitch to wear it at work, but the point is full-blown punishment.

It's inspired by Friday Night Lights where you don't fumble the football and you tape it up and shit like that. So you tape to the record button. But yeah, there are ways around it. Maybe we'll superglue it. Maybe she has to wear one of those gloves that hawk trainers wear. It's glued to that. You have to have the glove on at all times.

And you strap in for the day and you can't take it off. Yeah, it might need something that has a key that only we have. It's Jackie's chastity belt. What if she just has to wear a... Maybe we don't even need it to relate to the record button or the easy button. If she just has to

wear a motorcycle helmet all the time. What? No! I mean, yes, I will like wear a motorcycle helmet all the time what no i mean yes i will or a bicycle helmet yeah maybe that because then even that like taking out a bicycle helmet with like first of all her being out at the bar wearing a bicycle helmet's hilarious and even if she's like faking it she's a woman of honor so she won't but like she could bring out the bicycle helmet that's annoying to carry but even having to be like strapped bicycle helmet might be better yeah like a like a like a like a we'll put this to a vote yeah okay and and it does it can be anything like anything it can be a vote you can vote on the ideas we put out here you can also suggest ideas um because we

can't have it happen again so it's got to be something that it's got to be something that you're like, I don't ever want to go through this again. So I will always make sure I press the record button. I mean, I mean, now I can tell you like, I'm, I'm scared straight.

I'm not going to say that, but we're still smiling and laughing. There's gotta be like, I'm on a date with a rapist who has a DUI and I'm wearing a bike helmet. That maybe that's okay. Maybe how about we can do something like this too. Like you have to wear it for like a week or two weeks or like you can, you have to go on like one date wearing a helmet or something like that.

And then you're off. You know what I mean? Like you can cram it all into one really embarrassing thing. Yeah. So you have to like go out, you have to like, like match with a guy, talk to him for a little bit,

meet up. He's gotta be hot. You want to actually hook up with him. And then you meet up and you have to wear a bike helmet. And when he asks you why you, you can only say, because I'm afraid I might hit my head on something. And you got to try to play straight.

I actually think more people should wear helmets. It's dangerous out here. Yeah. Oh my fucking God. I'm never going to play it straight. I actually think more people should wear helmets. It's dangerous out here. Oh, my fucking God. I'm never going to do this again. Exactly. We're never going to lose another answer to the internet. While we're on Jackie, Jackie, how's the video for the week coming? So I did it.

Oh, okay. But I haven't, like, edited it. But, like, I did it last night. Did we get a sneak peek or, like, a theme? Like, tell me what it is. No? No, I mean, like like it's not good. Like I – then I got all in my head because then I was like, well, I screwed up.

She's a great promoter, folks. She's really good. Yeah, I know. I know. Because then I was like I screwed up and then I got all in my head being like I can't screw this up too. I was just like I did it like last night and then I was like – You could also – Woke up.

I don't want to dissuade you if you've already done this one, make content about this screw up, you know, sometimes it's best to like do what's actually happening in your life. Yeah. Cause that's what you're thinking about the most. And you're actually like, you know,

you're not forcing anything. Yeah. Just a thought. So you can make whatever you want though. Monday's Monday's episode. So when we record, we will have the punishment locked in and we will have your new video. So can make whatever you want, though. Monday's episode when we record, we will have the punishment locked in, and we will have your new video so we can talk about that, whatever it may be.

Got it. Jacking off. Jacking off. All right, before we get into Am I the Asshole, I've got the distinct honor of having the entire out-of-order brain trust on the show now. Not the entire. There's a lot of people who are on there. But we got Pavs.

We got Owen. We got Sass. We got Feidelberg. Nick. Owen's back for his first day at Barstool. His second first day ever. You're in the illustrious crew of maybe one, two people. I don't know.

How many people have had second first days at Barstool? Rico. Rico had like a dozen. Rico had a dozen. Devlin. Devlin had two. Tyler O'Day. Did he?

Did he do two stints? Didn't Tyler O'Day leave when he got – or no, he asked for a 300% raise on his first day. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think he formally left. I think he just had crazy demands. But he got five. He went into the Milton Aldridge. Oh, did he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So what a crew. You, Rico, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So what a crew. You, Rico, and Tyler O'Day. Amazing. Perfectly barstool.

He doesn't know where he's technically working if he's getting a paycheck. They just said show up on the 15th. I don't know if I'm a producer. I don't know if I work in the social media team. The 15th? Payday? Payday. Let's go, baby.

For you. not for me um yeah you're like the opposite of of office space like where they just stop paying him i think they just like flip a switch and the page just starts again you know just like we i bet you they never even took you out of payroll they're just like put it back on i've been watching uh succession have you seen succession i did like the first season and a half after that question yeah have you seen it yeah yeah the whole world has seen succession i just started watching it's fucking awesome but the scene where greg gets hot where he finally gets paid he's like so i got paid today so i'm rich now he gets like a slice of pizza what an all-time character i can't believe we have not gotten him in here yet he doesn't he is a bar school he's probably like a slice of pizza What an all time character I can't believe we have not gotten him in here yet

He is a Barstool fan He's probably like a fan of you guys He's been on Chicks in the Office I know he went on that pizza review with Dave Please just come on I'm not The man himself seems to be very nice Everyone loves him

The character is fine for me I think there should be a whole spin-off show about Tom and Greg. I like Tom way better. Dude, what? Tom and Greg are so fucking funny. Because you can't get

some of the great Tom moments without having Greg be like this bitch. Anyway, so we were just talking about how you will spend tonight. Feidelberg is like I will be away from my phone for five hours.

I'll be on Do Not Disturb. I will not watch. I will not be talking about it. I will not be on the internet. Sass was like, I will be scrolling my phone until two in the morning reading every single comment. Somewhere in between. I'm going to turn social off. I don't want to see comments.

But I do want to see it. And it's easier for me. No, I've been re-watching it all the time. I just love watching it. And it's easier. I'm not in it. You have to see it yeah and it's easier for me like no i've been re-watching it all okay i just love watching it and it's easier i'm not in it like you have to see your own face do you watch yourself that's gross not as grossly hear my own voice is not good yeah yeah when we first started doing our podcast i would watch the full episode would you really yeah because i know a lot of comics you have to re-watch your shit and like i listen to my sets like every night which sucks that's i mean that to me is like part

of like the the the hardest part of the gig is like that almost yeah i didn't start doing that until recently but apparently it's like apparently it's like i didn't know that people did this but like you record you do like a voice memo of your set and then you like listen back and you can like add tags and stuff so you listen to yourself doing it not in a club no i listened i record my sets oh okay okay okay like on the stool but it's almost like you have to like to know where the laughter is yeah it pauses and it does help a ton i think it would absolutely help podcasts we just don't do it yeah like like any when i first started listening to podcasts in general when somebody would talk over another person i was like oh that is annoying and i do that all

the time and if i had listened to myself 10 years ago i would have known that and been like i gotta stop doing that but we just didn't for a fucking decade yeah now i do listen to them and i still don't change but whatever i know i know what the flaws are i just don't change it um but yeah i mean john john's never like watched anything it was himself so this is the hardest thing to watch a podcast where you're just being yourself or live streams like whatever when this is like i wrote something or produced something and i'm like here's my well i'll talk for john he's like insanely good i know yeah it's crazy i we were just talking about that on the yak i was just saying that like we would go in and like i need like 10 takes to like warm up and he's like the first take it's like already funny he's a good actor he doesn't know i couldn't believe jim carrey says his greatest roles himself

that is you the the the fact that the adoption baby skit was like the first time you guys you two recorded anything is wild. Yeah. I almost thought it was rehearsed. The way you guys were both like, I thought it was going to be a boy. You were talking over each other, but in the right way. And I was like, damn, they must have done that a bunch of times to nail that. And then I found out it was the first fucking take.

I found out today it was the first thing. I didn't realize we didn't do it. I agree. I thought the first one was funnier. So I agree with that. Paz wasn't going to tell him. He was never going to see it. So I'll just put out the first one,

tell him that we did the second one. And that makes me wonder how many times we've asked them to do certain edits on the podcast and they were just like, yeah, yeah, totally, totally. Jackie is like that. She takes herself out every single time. Everything.

I was just talking. I was with Sean Gardini last night, and he was saying that when he adds the Matt and Shane's podcast, he says he just mutes his microphone the entire time, even though there'll be like full conversations. And he just like removes his audio file. Dude, he was funny too. Yeah.

Those jokes were fucking funny. The Chrysler joke. I mean, it's's good I'm very excited I think We've kind of been talking about it for like Probably like a year It's been like a long time Coming and I'm very excited for it to be out there

I think everything we do is very funny I said like I probably will never see, but it is the... If this episode airs and everyone's like, this is fucking incredible, you still won't buy into it? I mean, not that I won't buy into it, it's like I want... It'd be nice if they said it, though.

Yeah, it'd be really fucking nice if you guys said how good the sketch show was. Dude, there could be a thousand comments being like, this is the greatest thing I ever created, and there's gonna be one that's, like, kind of underwhelming. Yeah. You know, because you know what it is? I'm going to kill myself.

It's always the one. The praise is always just like, this is really good. Yeah. And the negative is like the way that you said that one word and that one thing. And you're like, yes, that's true. That's what was in. I knew that was the problem. Right.

Right. You know, it's like's like Yeah you're right That one little bit Was stupid And we should have Taken it out Fuck But fuck that

I mean I don't know how they know It's an impressive Like there's always One asshole Who Knife to the core And it's like wow

It's just a nine year old Because they're the best In those days Yeah they really are Just on their mom's iPad Bullying. I don't like the way his ears look. Fuck!

I'll tell you who's going to love it. It's Chris Hansen. We had Chris Hansen on the show not too long ago. And his kids are like 20-something. And they love barstool. Yeah. And they told Chris Hansen, they told their dad, like, you got to go on the show. So he came on and did, like, a normal interview.

And it was great. But ever since then then we get tagged in every Chris Hansen Instagram. Oh really? Every fucking video. Is that show still going on? He has a new show on True TV.

It's called like True Blue. It's the same show but it's just like a different name basically. And I think that either he or his kids or whoever runs the social is gonna fucking

love Chris Branson. I have seen the opening of that because as I don't have shown in a clip where I don't talk like where I'm like walking in. It's so good. The way you just go, that's not him. Is it? Yeah.

I think that one's really funny. I honest, I think that's the funniest of the bunch. I think that's the funniest one. It's it like the way that develops is so good that one like while we were filming and i was like this is gonna be the funniest yeah yeah the premise is very funny but then so you're like no you get it you're like oh okay it's making a spoof on a show we all know that's why it's funny but then like the the new like the little details are

all so fucking funny yeah i'm here to fuck yeah just how casual he is. Yo. Yeah, yeah. Even the fucking muscle suit looks good for me. He's like, you're the weird one. You brought your dad. You brought her dad. It's like he's wrestling. Yeah. It's all very, very funny. You keep saying that like it means something.

She's 14 better be. Yeah. And that's all off the rip? None of that's scripted? None of that was? No, I think most of that's scripted? None of that was? No, I think most of it's scripted. It was scripted? A good amount of it.

It's like we'll run through it one time with ideas and then pick out the four best lines and hammer them the third or fourth time. Yeah. I think it's like how a lot of shows are where it's like we have a premise and we have lines that we know. That would be fun. Are you writing out a script? Sometimes.

I would say on... We always have a script. I think some of them we end up not using it. Yeah, right, right, right. Probably the better ones. I know the only one that we really didn't do a hard script was the priest one. Yeah.

That was just so easy to film. We knew what it was going to easy to film. I love that. We knew what it was going to be. Like you doing crowd work. We didn't need any jokes. Just them in full Priest garb was like enough. Yeah,

that's enough. This is the funniest thing I've ever seen. But the way like, you know, that it was like, like the way that comics are doing like fake crowd work.

Yeah, like the way that you did that as a poet. Fuck it. Even the way, the way Guard Dog, the way he does that first Mary joke is like, are we all liars yeah yeah

it's all very funny i know this is also i do think this is great it's great it's funny but it really i do think we're not far from that i because i saw that was based off of i saw there was a podcast with like 4k multicam clips and it was two priests from a parish hosting a podcast really yeah it's like it's like we're in the simulation now. Yeah, it's like, what is going on? Dude, the priest podcast, it's like one of the biggest podcasts

in the world. What is it? Oh, dude, I remember that. It's always on the top of the charts. Chaps and I had like doing a sermon or they're doing a podcast. No, it's like a low-level one, which is even worse.

Yeah, that's tough. Dude, Chaps and I, we had like Barstool Confessions. We had like this Catholic podcast. We were basically, Chaps and I when we had like Barstool Confessions we had like this Catholic podcast where basically Chaps was talking about Catholicism and

it was like in my head because I'm an idiot I was like dude we're gonna be number one top of the charts

like who the fuck was in the religion podcast and that dude no dude those guys like sell out arenas

he would have like those are like the megachurch there's even one guy whose name I don't know it's not like the Joel whatever it's like he would have like

99 of 100 of the top episodes he cornered the market he's rich as fuck yeah that's gotta be against something if he's just like

cashing in ads he's not writing checks to the Vatican they all say, you know, God wants you to be happy. Pay your tithe. Dude, I've told, I've talked about this,

but like the town that I'm from, the nuns had a house and it was like, dude, it was like a commune. Like they, it was a mansion. Yeah. Like the biggest house in my town and it was right on the water.

They had the whole street and you just see nuns walking around in this like beach house. You can't take a vow of poverty and duck was right on the water. They had the whole street. And you'd just see nuns walking around in this beach house. You can't take a vow of poverty and duck to bury a mouse in a tree. You can't. Nuns are weird, bro. Priests, at least, we know why priests are in the game. They have their vices and their reasons.

What are the nuns getting out of being nuns? I think it's kind of a dated thing, isn't it? If you find a 20-year-old girl right now who's like, I'm going to the convent, that's fucking wild. I think he might be on too. It might be more dated. It was like shot clock. It was like, they're going to burn me for being a witch.

If I'm still single, where I can become a nun, play this all off. I went to Columbia not even that recently anymore, probably five or six years ago. And down there, I saw a ton of nuns. It was my first ton of nuns. It was my first time seeing nuns in a long time. I remember seeing them in my hometown. They're kind of scary. I'll see them walking down the street. The habits and shit.

You see it at night, and it's like, I don't know. It's fucking weird. But I'd see them in the airport. I was like, fuck, I forgot about nuns. Because they definitely are a day thing. Nuns make it a comeback, bro. You don't see nuns anymore. In South America, they're still all over the place.

They love their church down there. How many skit ideas? You guys got a lot in the can? Because I feel like now, every time you think of a funny premise or just a funny joke or something happens on the internet, it's like, oh, let's make fun of that. Now you can just start rolling. Yeah, that's what's exciting, too. We didn't blow our load in this first episode at all.

We still have episode two shot already. We have a bunch of ideas written out for more. I think we have three or four that aren't done yet, which I think are probably our funniest. I think we have three or four. Yeah, that are going to be kind of tough to film. Yeah, we also want to push it off. We don't want to waste ideas before maybe we get a budget

or production value. Totally. But also, it looks pretty good regardless. Yeah. Yeah, it's awesome the uh i there i don't want to say it because but sass has an idea for one that i think is just the fucking funniest thing in the world and it's the hardest one to film maybe we'll beep it i'll say it like i think is so oh yeah yeah yeah i forgot about that completely dude i think

about it every single day yeah i like I like wrote that out, I think. Really? Yeah. I think you guys should also do like quick one-offs, like as the internet gives you material. Yeah, that's the other exciting thing. Now that it's like up and running. Yeah.

Like you have more topical ideas and more just shit. There was a sweet spot like a few weeks ago where like if you guys did a filming at the gym type skin yeah it would have crushed yeah and now you have it up and running like it can be low budget it could be a quick reel or instagram or whatever yeah that's the thing i'm also pumped is like all of these can just work as like reels yeah standalone clip bang it out yeah let's pick which ones you want to do yeah professionally and long form and all that shit and pick ones you want to just rattle off a few jokes and go viral and then you know pepper those two things together and it's it's good to go but

i was saying earlier that i uh this is basically the first thing being published under at least the idea or the umbrella of barcel comedy and it's like i couldn't think of a better thing it's different it's unique it's high quality high quality. And if someone were to be like, show me the first thing that Barstool Comedy did and I showed them this, it's absolutely up to par. I appreciate that.

And I think it's something that Barstool should have done so long ago and never could have because of the way we operate. And now that we can do it, I think it's going to be very, very big.

I think you guys are onto something very huge. I hope so. If not, I'll kill myself. I'd like to sleep at some point in the next week. I was saying to Kevin earlier that the only

reason I slept last night is because you sent it to Rowan and then Rowan texted me positive things and it completely changed my mood. I was in bed like, you know sometimes you'll read a tweet like, I't need to i don't need i don't need i don't know who needs to hear this but like relax your shoulders take your tongue off your mouth and like i was in bed like i'm fine i'm fine i'm gonna sleep and then rowan texted me i was like i was like i told him i was like dude you've completely changed my mood yeah i might actually be able to sleep tonight i think

anybody who's seen it so far, from new employee to old school, everybody loves it. I'd be stunned if it doesn't smash. Make sure you subscribe to the channel. Yeah, make sure you subscribe. Make sure you like it. Share it.

Tell your friends about it. If you're sick of shitty internet comedy, make sure you share the good stuff. Thank you to Pavs, Tyler, Jake Bass, etc. Yeah, it's a big squad. sure you stick around through the whole episode dude we shot one in greer's apartment that i think is very funny yes i started editing that one it is amazing the only issue with that one is it might need to be a full episode yeah 20. 20 minutes. Yeah. It's like the Charlie Murphy. It's a TV episode.

That one was long. Christmas special or something. Last question. How often do you guys wash your towels? Oh, man. Oh. Anytime I do laundry. Every time my girlfriend does laundry. Yeah.

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purchase. Terms apply. Am I the asshole for telling my roommate's boyfriend that I am a stripper? I, 21-year-old female, have been a stripper for about a year now. I'm open about it with my people. My family knows what I do. I'm not ashamed of it at all. I was on the verge of being homeless when I started,

and now just recently I'm able to pay my rent for the year. I have two roommates. They know what I do. Asked some questions about it in the beginning, but they're very nice and accepting. People our age group don't tend to care. The issue. I was in my kitchen making myself some dinner when my roommate, also a 21-year-old female, walked in with her boyfriend.

He's coming to visit for a few days. They started making themselves some food as well so we exchanged some small talk he asked what i'm studying in school and i told him that i'm taking a break from school for a few months and pretty much just focusing on work it is funny for a stripper to say i'm focusing on work you can just say i'm making money right now whatever but focusing on work it's like you can't focus you just do you just are gotta be in the zone up there dog he asked uh what i do for work and i told him i'm a stripper he was pretty much like oh cool and we moved on i finished up and went back to my room to eat didn't think anything of it but i got a text from my roommate later that night she said quote

really didn't appreciate you telling my boyfriend that you're a stripper especially dressed the way you were i was confused because i was wearing shorts and a tank top which is what i literally always wear around the house and i also didn't know her boyfriend was coming, so it's not like I was planning it out. I told her that I'm sorry she was uncomfortable, but I tell anyone who asks what I do because I'm not ashamed of it, and I was just wearing what I normally do wear. She said, quote, I should know better. She said that I, quote, I should know better than anyone what a male mind is going to imagine when they see a woman wearing revealing clothes who then tells them that they get naked for money. Then said that I'm used to seeking out male attention.

I truly didn't know how to respond, and I still don't. The conversation may be pretty much uncomfortable, and I'm pretty much, it may be pretty uncomfortable, and I'm pretty much just stayed in my room the past few days. I am aware of the nature of my job as sexual,

and I know some men will fetishize me for lack of a better word, so I do understand why she'd be upset. I just don't think i did anything directly wrong now i thought this was gonna go a different way i think it was gonna go i thought the girlfriend was gonna be mad at her for saying she's a stripper because she doesn't want to like her boyfriend to know like that's the crew she rolls with like she was because i i get that like when you meet your girl's friends and you're like we need to hang out with these tramps Oh so these are sluts

Oh so you just hang out with a bunch of fucking whores Oh you're the hoes around town And it works the other way too When people meet my buddies I'm like don't tell them you do fucking coke dude Shut up The amount of girls That are like

You're going out with Jimmy tonight I know what that means. Don't have 40 drinks at dinner tonight. And that depends on how long the relationship's been. Yeah, yeah. And if it really matters. That's like it has a peak and valley. In the first three months,

let's not be fucking animals today, guys. But then it's like open the gates when she's in. But then once it gets more serious, it's like, let's not be fucking animals today, guys. Like it is. There's a bell curve to it. Totally.

And it's an age thing, I'm sure. But the – I do think – listen. This is almost like the same thing as being like can men and women have relationships, friendships. It's like they can. But like 99% of of them people are thinking about fucking each other you know yeah so like you're super hot and you're a stripper that guy comes over to the house he's thinking about the roommate stripper you know like he's thinking about fucking her now the answer is like you should hopefully have a strong enough relationship that that doesn't matter and that he wants to be with you and fuck you and all that shit uh because there's a plenty of like hot

women in the world he's going to come across and if you're that worried about it like you'll it'll probably fall apart but it is like every time i come over every time he comes over now i'm i know but see i know that like his friends are texting him like what's what's fucking jessica wearing yeah i mean like it's, like, it's a novelty. And there is going to be an initial reaction of, like, oh, shit. And the friends are going to know, and they're going to talk about it and all that shit. That is true. I don't think it's necessarily worth, like, I don't think I would speak up on it.

I think it would just be like, this is the situation at hand, whatever. I wouldn't be an asshole to this girl about it. But I think there's some truth to, like, her concerns. I get it but speaking for myself the like with my relationship with sex workers i yeah if it's a hot girl i'm gonna think about a hot girl fucking doesn't it doesn't you know you could be a goddamn nun yeah and if you're like yeah i'm you're attracted i'll be like well i'm thinking about you naked yeah uh i'm not thinking about you i'm wondering what you look like naked i'm not photoshopping

my mind i'm not 12 anymore uh but the uh i'll be honest you got really really specific and defensive there i don't know what you're doing i swear i'm not but the i i would i actually would appreciate it because like now we have things to talk about like usually when you're sitting there with your your girl's friends you're like like, so how was fucking... We have something in common. We both know we still have clubs like that.

Like, what was last night? Yeah. But I could see a girlfriend not wanting that and I don't want my fucking boyfriend... But I don't want to hear

about what your titties look like. I want to hear about some fucking shit that went down the trip. Yeah, like the owner was beating up some guy in the back

or whatever. Who was the creep weirdo that got thrown out? Yeah. But that also naturally, you know, there's going to be some of the other stories where it's like you're just going to get outshined by the roommate yeah it's like i know that you probably like and want to fuck my roommate more than me which is i don't know maybe be hotter yeah no one wants competition totally what we all don't have hot friends we know our girlfriends are more

attracted to right right i mean that's just how it goes. Don't come around here, Tim. I guess it's just the extreme. It's like if you have a hot roommate, you're probably already like, fuck, I have a hot roommate. It's like now I have a hot roommate who's a stripper. Yeah. Fuck.

You know? I think if she was blatantly more honest, like, yo, my boyfriend's going to like me more than you now. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're more sympathetic. The way she did it was bitchy. You know? You should know better. like me more than you now. You know what I mean? You're more sympathetic. The way she did it was bitchy. You should know better.

Particularly dressed the way you were. Yeah. If she's just like, you're fucking hotter than me and now my boyfriend knows. At no point are you ever the asshole for just telling someone what you do for work. No. You're the asshole for saying you're focusing on your job. She's for sure not the asshole. But it is like I do – if we're just just if we're being honest about the way you knowing

how like human nature works and how guys operate there's there's a concern there is there is a reason to be like well this would be it's not a concern i shouldn't say concern it's not like a problem it's just like i wish this wasn't the case and that in relationships that's like everything it's like oh i found out your number i'm not like mad. It's not wrong, but I wish it wasn't the case. You do these things that bother me. I'm not going to dump you over it, but I wish it wasn't the case. There's a lot of that shit in relationships. And I think having a stripper roommate falls under that umbrella.

I agree with that. What was yours? Okay. This one is something that happened to me. So I live in a building very a small apartment building where there's just like three people live there i think there's there is a first floor and i've seen a person go in there but like there aren't there's not furniture in it well you can see it from the street there's not furniture in it so i don't know what that person does i don't know if they

technically live there or what but so there are there are three people who live in my apartment building regular full-time at least one guy's got keys i got a delivery the other day and fedex has given me the proof of delivery it was it is on in my front lobby and so it brought it inside it's not like a porch pirate took it and um and they showed you a picture they sent me the picture yeah and someone took it am i the asshole for not going door-to-door and asking? I would say, hey, did you accidentally grab a package? And instead just reordering and overnighting it so I could get it. I'll give you the answer and then the real answer.

You're not an asshole. You are a pussy. Yes, obviously. But you also are a completely reasonable person for just buying a new one how much does it cost there's 150 that's fine i like if it's like 500 or something so it's now 300 in total yeah but it's still 150 yeah you know but it's like i think you're i mean you're within your rights to go banging on doors and fucking running an inquisition if you wanted. But also –

It's not worth it. What is the value of your time and comfortability of your neighbors and shit? Like if you run a fucking investigation, it's not like you hang out with your neighbors and shit. But now every time you see them, it's going to be weird. And if you do ever need some help or something, they're not going to give it to you. And if this happens again, they're going to be like, fuck you, all that sort of shit. So it's worth $150 just to not worry about it. But that's also – we are in a lucky spot.

A lot of other people would be like, I can't do another $150, so I got to fucking find that. Yeah. So most people would probably say, hell no, I'm going door to door. We are pussies and have a little bit of money so we can we can just buy a new one can i add two things and this isn't the main deterrent from me not knocking door to door we played a factor my upstairs neighbor black person and I have an immense amount of white guilt so I am not I was sitting in my seat going

please say they're black that is a sketch for you I'm not going to knock on my black neighbor's door and ask if they stole my package no fucking way. No fucking way.

You could have video proof it was him, and I'm still not going up there. No fucking way. That is a perfect sketch. Dude, look, we caught him. Nope, not doing it. Could be anybody's package. Dude, that is 100% a deciding factor. He is off the list.

Anybody else that's white, a girl, whatever, you can go do. A black guy or a girl, a black woman, for sure not. It's a black woman. Black woman, no way. Oh, my God. She could answer the door with it in her hands and be like, what are you talking about? I mean, no fucking shot. You're right.

My mistake. My mistake. That was, you're like, I mean, like You're right. My mistake. My mistake. I mean, that's very funny. But a very real thing. It's a very... If you think I will ever accuse a black person of stealing something from me, you are outside

of your mind. I don't care what scenario it is. No matter the race, I was never going to accuse you. You happen to grab this by, have you seen it? You happened to grab this by accident. What is it? Can't tell. The second Am I the Asshole part.

Okay. It is two polos from... You wear polos? I guess now is the time to make an announcement. I'm becoming a sport coat guy this spring. Oh, no. I bought like four sport coats the other day. I'm a sport coat guy.

I don't wear polos under my sport coats. You're reaching your final four. You're like rounding into like – Ellen. It's like old school Feidelberg, you know, mixing with new school Feidelberg, and now you wear polos and a jacket everywhere. I'll tell you what. If people thought that Feidelberg was a douchebag now,

when he's at least dressing like hoodies and shit, when he's in his sport coats all the time, we'll see. I think I'll pull it off. And if I don't, I'll abort it. Like everything else in life. Just like we always do. But the The polos I've heard That the double

Collar is making its way back in Really? I don't know who told me that But I feel like I heard somebody say They've seen people wearing the two polos Which was a phase bro That was something That was the moment I realized

There was two moments When I moved out of the Bronx into Westchester and all my friends, all the people who came to be my friends were like guidos and wearing earrings and getting like gelled hair and all that shit. I remember being like if this is what cool is, I'm just not going to do it. And the same thing with the pop collars and the double collars. I was like this is what like is hot in the streets right now i am not putting on two polos have i not fucking doing have you ever heard of where and this is something i was told at boarding school i don't know and look up its etymology but where the pop collar was born of i might have said this before i'd imagine like a sunburn thing no it is

back in the day in boarding schools and prep schools and things like that you had to have a starched collar and if you went to school the next day went to class the next day and the collar was kind of popped up and not starched down, people knew you probably fucked the night before. It's like you wore two nights in a row. Yeah. So it's like, oh, that's what the cool people do. Cool. And again, I don't know if that's true.

But here are the two polos I got. And they're not like the standard polo polos. They're both a little unique. Oh, yeah. There's a little flavor to that. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I've already seen you wear the full button-up ones like this.

Okay. That's doable. Now, that's doable. Now, here's the Am I the Asshole? Why don't you scroll up and see where that is from? I've actually heard they're kind of maybe the same. They're coming back. Abercrombie and Fitch. Abercrombie and Fitch. Abercrombie and Fitch. If I hadn't heard that, maybe I heard this all in the same thing,

but I heard, maybe it was you even, I heard if you go to an Abercrombie now, it's like, you know, you used to go to Abercrombie and it was like music bumping, a guy with a shirt on, spraying cologne, like you're in a club. I've heard now like their stores are very nice. That wasn't for me. I didn't know that. It was still the, oh.'t know i don't know the opposite but i just i hadn't heard that i think uh i think abercrombie i mean gq is like writing writing two years ago yeah i mean everything is like i wonder if you as a business if you i'm gonna cut the tags out right away but like gQ is regular writing articles. Abercrombie is making some of the best polls in the game right now.

That's the thing. I think everybody – it's like being on the internet for a really long time. You eventually, if you stick around long enough, people are like – they respect your name. Your name is known. We know that they make clothes. They've done it before. They were hot in the streets at one point. And I think everything is cyclical where those brands are probably like, alright, we blew up in the

mid-90s, whatever, late 90s, 2000s. We've got to wait like 20 more years but then we'll pop off again. Let's just make sure we stay afloat and then this will become nostalgic or throwback or whatever. But there is a moment when you get the email from Hollister Co. that your order is on the way. At least it's not Hollisterister no they're from abercrombie i think hollister

must have bought it right but i mean like the hollister store is still worse than i've yeah i've never worn hollister yeah that that shit is that was even worse yeah abercrombie at least was like you're a preppy white guy this is what you wear uh but but yeah that that i mean i'm not a European DJ I don't wear Hollister that was more like the frayed Hollister with a little bird it was almost like you were trying to be like a beach bum

but you were just a preppy asshole and yeah I mean all those clothes and all that stuff it was all just fucking Italian guidos wearing and doing all that stuff. So I was just like, I'm not doing this. I don't know what my style is going to be, but it's not going to be this. We'll be anti-Italian forever.

So right now, the Italian baseball team, the World Baseball Classic, boy, do I fucking hate them. They, first of all, are, I would imagine, all just American dudes who like, you know. Isn't Mike Piazza the coach? Yeah, Mike Piazza, I think, set this trend off of just playing for Team Italy because you're like, your last name's Italian.

They are all blasting Frank Sinatra. I mean, like, you're just a fucking American dude, you know? They got Frank Sinatra playing in the postgame. They've got the Italian flag everywhere. They've got an espresso

machine. Yeah, espresso machine in the dugout. In the dugout. I'm like, you fucking guidos. They're the worst. Wear an Italian flag, dorags on their head while Frank Sinatra plays. All of a sudden, you're Italian. Are you allowed to play on that team if you don't have the boot tattooed on you? Yeah, you got to wear the horn fucking necklace or something. If you say that, the first thing at tryouts was say mozzarella.

And then, you're in. Fucking. You don't have to show a passport to prove like your fucking heritage or ancestry

just say marinara to me you mean gravy I don't care about the world baseball classic except I'm just rooting wholeheartedly

against the Italians I don't I don't really get the world baseball classic because I think a lot of the games are in Japan but there aren't

some of the games in Arizona I think it's like around the world I think like lot of the games are in Japan. But there aren't some of the games in Arizona? I think it's like around the world. I think you play in certain groups. And then they all kind of come together? I think so. That's interesting. Wouldn't know because –

I feel like you would have more pizzazz if it was all in one place. Team Canada threw this kid Matt Birch. I saw that. 19 years old. Looks like he's 12 years old. And he faced a murderer's row. Pitched one-third of an inning. Gave up six runs.

And then they gave up nine in the first in total. And they'd taken him off the mound. He was just like... Kids should be pitching in high school against freshmen. That guy should not hang his head for a single second. He should be standing on the mound going, I fucking told you! I told you so! What did you think was going to happen? guy should not hang his head for a single second he should be standing on the mound going i fucking told you i told you so what do you think was gonna happen i'm a fucking jv high school player right

now you put me up against mike trout dude i would have thrown the ball at my manager hey there you go yeah i'd have fired you're fired dude you're fired i'm coming out of this game you're you're gone bring trudeau out here in blackface. You're fired. Alright, voicemails. Let's go. Alright, voicemails are brought to you by Pirate Water. You knew it was coming. They are the exclusive presenter of our longest running segment at Barstool Sports, I think.

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I like this guy already. I like the cut of his jib. He's Canadian. What's up, Kevin? Long time listener. Long time chicken head. Fucking love the show. Fights. Jackie. Love it all. You know it.

Let's go, Pirate Water, baby! We live here. Smoking the cigarettes. Fights. You know about these. You've seen them in Buffalo. This one's for fucking Jackie. Jackie the sausage fingers Jackie. Yeah. She wants to be on Love Island.

New show on Fox coming out soon called Farmer Wants a Wife. She wants a ranch. She gets on that show. Boom. Bada bing, bada boom. One other thing I will say is would you rather drink a glass of vomit or burp every time somebody says your fucking name? Love the show. Love getting pegged. Keep it up.

Love getting pegged. Like that guy. I was pretty close with the Canadian. He's from upstate New York. He's got a farmhouse in the background. What's it called?

Farmer Needs a Wife. I tried watching that and it was so bad. Not good? Yeah, it's not good. Not good. Well, one way or the other, you will be a reality TV star. That's for certain. You can't drink a glass of vomit.

I mean, like physically can't do it. And, and dude, I fucking basically burp every time someone says my name anyway. But like, what if it was like, you can't, you can't go. Oh, like what if it's a belch? That's cause then I think you just got to try to choke down. Let's say you don't have to physically complete the puking. Cause you couldn't, cause you would just puke it back up in a second. But let's say for like a solid minute, you have to keep trying keep trying you just have to because this is a lifelong thing versus like one

minute of terror true but god damn would that be terrible but bro i mean like as someone who suffered from acid reflux before you have the dementia pills for 20 years like i spend most of my i spent most of two decades burping. Bro, you were destined. I just did it. I just burped. Yeah, I know. You're always going. Like, this is why this sketch show is going to work out and all this stuff.

Like, you were just destined to do these kind of things. You have acid reflux to the point that you need dementia pills. It's so fucking – It's almost a better would you rather. Would you rather burp all the time every time you eat or have dementia and i chose dementia like like they said the side effects are dementia and it's happening and he knows it and he's still like gotta do it it's not like oh you know that might happen it's like it's happening i can feel it crazy i remember the doctor and maybe i've said

this but the doctor was like just so you know a side effect is dementia but like don't worry you're fine like i would give these to my son and i was like don't worry you didn't have to tell me any of that you're a doctor just prescribe me medicine and i'll take it like i'm not i'm not some fucking guy who's on i don't't know, whatever fucking – for some reason I am getting pushed on Instagram, like those fucking guys, like the fucking finance bros and the fucking like here's what you need to be a man kind of stuff. I don't know how I'm hitting – stop showing me that stuff. But like I'm not one of those guys that question everything.

Like if a doctor gives me a prescription, I just take the medicine. I don't even look at anything. I just go, okay, fine. I was convinced, and I still kind of am, that I'm getting Alzheimer's, early onset dementia. But I had a good dozen matches the other day, and I remembered a lot of things. And I was like, I'm going to step on this for six more hours. For real. For real.

That saved me. We were down 5-1, and we came back. This is after we blew a 6-0 lead to Minahan. We had we had a six nothing lead i didn't know that minahan was like the number i knew he was good but i didn't know his team was like the number one team or whatever so we had a six nothing lead on like the number one team and we fucking blew it i didn't even know it but then we had a five nothing uh i gave them the first two answers it was like you know when they ask an nba like questions and it's like i was like that's either the pistons or the nets yeah and It was like, you know when they ask an NBA questions and it's like, I was like, that's either the Pistons or the Nets. And it was like, I was wrong and they were right and then I was wrong on the steal

and they were right and I was like, I gave you that answer. And I did it on Celebrity Mashup too. I gave them who the guy was and they were like, I know who the girl is and I didn't know who the guy was but we got the girl wrong and the guy right. And I was like, fuck! So I gave you your first two points but yeah, we came back with a W. That's good.

I was going to say, the double dip, no one ever uses it until last. It's always like the last life on you. But at some point in the show, it's either blank or blank. Yeah, just use it. Just use it. Twice in a row on baseball, I called a friend and had the answer right. It was Dan Ugla and the Phillies. And I said it.

And they were like, should we call? And I was like, yeah, let's call. Go with your fucking gut, man. You don't have dementia. Next voicemail. What up, girl? What is the sport with the biggest gap from the best D1 athlete to the best professional player in that sport?

There have been a lot of arguments in my friend group that I think basketball, no best D1 athlete is beating LeBron James, Michael Jordan, and Prime, obviously. I disagree with that completely. But they say baseball, no D1 is better than Mike Trout. But also, like, their argument is that the basketball players go straight into the NBA and almost no baseball players go straight into the MLB. And I think that's just, like, because they have a bad system. Like, why? They just have a bad system.

No. I mean, basketball is the number one sport where the most D1 athletes like come in and like can make an impact right away yeah

LeBron James stepped in and put up like a you know 28, 5, and 7 like right away like my caveat to that is how are we

choosing the best athlete cause I'm I'm strictly thinking of football where like there's a lot of times in football where it's like that guy's a Heisman Trophy winner. He'll be a sixth-round pick. Totally. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? How is he going to play college football?

I think the answer probably is football, but it's more specialized. It's like, you can be a great offensive lineman in college and get steamrolled every single play of an NFL game. Also, I'll tell you what.

I think the answer is the miscellaneous sports. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like the weird shit that it's like. The shit that we can't even name anybody. But even like I'm a D1, like, sprinter or something like that, but, like, the gold medal winner will dust you. Yeah, like, did you see the Tyreek fucking Hill video the other day? No, what did he do?

He finally raced an Olympian? I don't know who he raced. Because people have always been saying that. We need to see, like, Usain Bolt versus... Can you pull up a Tyreek Hill video? He must have been racing, like, I don't know, like, JV kids. I mean, he blew them away, dude.

Oh, he won. Like, destroyed them. See if you can find, like, right here. That Twitter. But wait, what was the headline? It said what those kids were like. Okay. Won the men's 60 meters. So these are...

These are USA Championship... United States men's track and field, I guess? USA track and field Masters Indoor Championships. And he just steps in and dusts them? Dude, I think they USA track and field Masters Indoor Championships. And he just steps in and dusts them. Dude, I think they're like 30 yards in when he finishes.

No way. Oh my god! Oh my god! They weren't even on the screen! So like, I don't know what level those guys are. For all we know, USA track and field Masters Indoor Championships is, like, not even close to the Olympics. But, I mean, if that's any indication, you know, like, see you fucking later. He finished 60. They're probably at 45.

He found it odd that Hill, a decorated high school sprinter who once competed in the NRL championship, chose to stage his comeback at such a low-stakes event. So, okay, all right, so listen. He was competing against an accountant, a property manager, and a museum employee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. That makes a lot more sense. It's a beer league for track. Okay, okay.

Makes a lot more sense. That's bullshit, though. That's making the rounds like he's doing something. Yeah. So if he, I want to see him go against the gold medal. Yeah. You know, I don't even know. There was a time where like who are the men's like i remember like uh dan johnson dan michael johnson and but there was dan there's two dans i guess i don't know them but um but yeah i i i think though like if you i guess there's not professional of a lot

of these things but it's like I don't know like fucking fencing or some shit where it's like water polo I don't know but I think the answer is probably football I think the jump from pros to the NFL is bananas baseball is a good answer too baseball they acknowledge is such a crap shoot

they have 70 rounds to draft but maybe it is baseball because you do sit in the minors forever. But also, if you're talking about the best one, those guys do step in and play right away. You know what I mean? But there is a learning curve where it's like your first – O'Neal Cruz is batting like 190. I don't know who that is.

The kid on the Pirates, the shortstop is like 6 know oh yeah he hits tank jobs when he does hit the ball but you know he's also batting under 200 so but it's 100 not basketball i know that yeah that's the most right easy where like you could step in and like alan irison right away was like crossing over michael jordan he's not better than him but you can you can hang with them almost right away. Alright, last one. What's up, gang? Wanted to start by saying, really looking forward to the one show at the Wilbur. One show at the Wilbur. This is one of our old international girl gang chicken head group.

We'll be in attendance at one of the front tables, and we will be causing a ruckus. On to my question. I need to... So everyone knows unsolicited nudes. Bad, right? No questions.

But what if the purpose of your unsolicited nude is to turn the person on? Like a surprise, like titties. Unsolicited to your significant other. Or is it only unsolicited if they don't reply? In either scenario, I would love some confirmation. Otherwise, I think I may be the face of the Me Too Too movement.

And I think I've been the face of it for about 10 years. And I know, Post-Nude Society, for John. Post-Nude Society is one of the funniest. Girls can just fire off unsolicited nudes a guy can get an unsolicited nude and go

cool even if you're like offended by it I think it's a Ron White joke like you've seen one pair of tits I want to see them all and it's like maybe I could see a scenario where like perhaps an unsolicited nude from a chick like if your girlfriend sees it or something and like fucks with your relationship like that sucks like that. But that's like the only scenario where I think it's like a problem for a guy. Otherwise, it's like we look at it. We probably like it. And if we don't, we just delete it and move on. As a girl, an unsolicited nude is like sexual abuse. Like you're, you're, you're, you know, their eyes are happening upon your ugly penis and that like will burn into their brain forever. Um,

so I recommend never unsolicited nude as if you're a dude, even if you're like hot, you know, she's into you also like, are we talking about unsolicited nude to your significant other? Cause that, that's not unsolicited. No,

that's not unsolicited. Unsolicited is a, it's like when I grab your butt in the kitchen it's not sexual harassment it's like when I put it in your ass but she also says what if the purpose is to turn someone on like that that's always

like the other if you're on a plane air dropping your dick as like a terrorist then you're like a sexual deviant everybody else who's like I think their intent is like I hope she likes it you know what I mean yeah I think but there's also

like they're turned on a truly unsolicited one is more like I'm turned on and this is what I want to do so yeah so I actually I get what she's saying. If truly in your heart you're like, I think this girl is going to be turned on by this and you're not like, I'm going to force her to look at my dick even though I know she doesn't want to. In your heart of hearts, you're like, I thought you were going to like it. It's like a pickup line that goes wrong.

It's like, I don't know. I thought you were going to laugh. But it's your dick. It's your dick dude it's reminding me of this uh tweet i've seen um you know the the tweet that was like or i guess it was a dm um used a lot is like the i'm not reading all that but i'm happy for you or sorry that happened yeah this one i've seen a quote through a lot and i feel like it's it's taking the place of the tom hardy that's bait. I'm not falling for that hot take. That's clearly someone with a fetish for getting yelled at.

I refuse to participate in that kind of perversion. It fucking cracks me up. And I think that's what's hitting the dick. You want someone to be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Even if you don't realize it, that's what you're doing. But there also does come up – somebody has to send the first nude.

Someone's got to fire the first shot, the shot heard around the world, you know, like when, whenever that is, and you're in the talking phase, you're in the dating phase, whatever your personal situation like stacks up to be. But at some point someone is going to just go, I think she's turned on over there. And we're kind of talking about sex like i'm just gonna go for it yeah and if you read that situation wrong i you're in trouble i tend to be like i i'm like uh like oliver i'll send one back oliver what is it oliver oliver like please yeah like please can i see some nipper please and then and then will

you be like let me see it or something like that i'll be like like if the sexual it's the sexuation if the conversation turns sexual i think you know it's like you can tell whether if some chicks like i'm so fucking wet right now like it's like i think i can prove that yeah yeah like that or you but also i don't do that anymore. You're posting to society. Posting to society, dude. I don't even sex anymore, dog. It is fucking...

Bro, I straight up, I have clearly mental illness. But I have an anxiety attack every time. Like, straight up. When the phone buzzes? When my phone buzzes. It is. I'm not there. I'm not for everybody.

But certain names pop up, and I like it. It's because I assume the worst. I hear the buzz. When I'm sitting on my couch, I make sure it's not on the same seat as me, so I feel a buzz. Because it would ruin the show. It would ruin the movie. Whatever I'm doing. At night, the buzz that goes through a bed or a bedside table, because I have so nights where somebody was calling me harassing off the hook like 50 times in a night.

And I would wake up to it. And if I hear that at night, I instantly get – it's a true psychological reaction. During the day, not as much. But at nighttime, that trigger is real. I am like a wife whose husband is over at World War II, and every time the phone rings, they assume it's the news. The door knocks. I do not ever think I'm getting something good on my phone.

If someone texts me, calls, I'm actually better with it. But if someone texts me, I assume it's either someone to like harass me or someone to be mad at me. And it is the worst. It's the worst. It's just from years of abuse, but it's fucking, it's horrible. It's like,

it's, it's, yeah. Can you believe there are people out there who just like, don't know what you're talking about? Like, it's just like, I can't,

but I can believe it, but it's like, they could, they could never walk a day in our shoes. It could never, you know what it's like up here? It's a fucking nightmare. For real. We're fucking real.

You know what's a nightmare? Ari Shafir in studio. Oh, my God. Let's talk to him. Who? Aaron Rodgers. He's going to the Jets. He's going to the Jets?

Yeah, I was trying to pull it off. Guys! I was out of there. I thought – yeah. So he said it's his intention to go to the Jets. It's not signed. He needs to do a – like they need to figure out the money. Well, wait a minute.

But also the most Jets thing in the world would be the entire family is getting riled up. Yeah. And that's already happened. No, it's – he said – What did you say on McAfee? I mean, I went through Carlos Correa. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

Okay. I choose to wait. I choose to not engage until the ink is dry. I was so skeptical from the jump. I couldn't believe when this started to take form. And I still was like, no fucking way because this is classic. You use a team like New York to leverage another offer. And you use it as bait.

And you never actually had an intention to come here. And then it started to feel like it. I'm still not going to do it though. Because it's like, no fucking kidding you're gonna work out the money yeah like that's the that's the hardest part you know then this guy is gonna make 60 million dollars if he stays in green bay so the money is probably a difficult part i also though will say this like the jets cannot not now aaron rogers comes out and says i want to to play for you. Just get the money. And if they don't, people will leave the franchise in droves. You think so?

I think football and I think fandom in whole is so perverted. You always say, we're going to lose fans. And I guess you lose them. They'll come back. I'm not saying they'll lose them, but people will be. That's a hard one to come back from because the team is ready to win. Is Aaron Rodgers ready to win? I didn't watch the Packers games last year.

Okay, so this is my thing. He's an enormous upgrade from the three-man rotation the Jets had between Flacco, Mike White, and – see, this is the fucking dimension, man. So that's for sure true. But I feel like this is almost getting the Brady treatment, and it's like we – I just feel like a guy coming to New York at this stage isn't –

he didn't win in Green Bay. Wasn't it like his wish list, like all his players in Green Bay? Yeah, and it's like you're not going to get everything you want and you have to deal with the weapons you have and there are a few of them. How can he give a wish list that of people who don't want to play with him?

Includes Odell Beckham when he wants 60 and Odell wants 20. You want Odell? Fine. Play for Brady. Play for Brady. There's one reason why I believe in Rodgers coming here. It's a great thing. It's because of Brett Favre.

He wants to show him up. He's forever compared to Favre. He didn't go on to win. Favre came right here, right? Then Minnesota, there wasn't a stop in between? No, it was right here. That's weird to do the exact path. Right, and he was killing it. it it was like eight and three i think

was their high water mark was like we're fine we're going to the playoffs and they missed the playoffs at eight and three uh but i i think like there was a time where like oh rogers is gonna like surpass farb like he's gonna win a couple two three four and then he didn't and so now he's still got to prove that out. I also, I don't know. I mean, it's just, maybe it's, I don't know. I just, it's a huge upgrade. I just don't know if it's an automatic like, because it depends on

if Aaron Rodgers... It's also if you're fucking up to get through the bills. Right, like you're still in a stacked division. Like when Brady went to the NFC South, he was fucking 800 or 500 and you're going to be fine. I also feel like, you know, if he has that motivation, you're good. If he has the, like, I got to get out of Green Bay. I'm not quite done yet, though. Let me go to this team.

If I do win, oh, my God. If I don't, they're used to losing, you know, whatever. But if he's motivated and riled up – this is weird, though, to be like, my intention is to play for the Jets. That feels like a negotiating move. But I don't know. He's also doing this new age, like, I'm on a podcast every week sort of thing. So maybe he's like, let's get these views off.

500,000 concurrence. I mean, the Jets right now, either do they hear that? Like, do they know that was coming or do they hear that? And they're like, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scambling out. You know? But, I mean, like, you just have to cut anybody and everybody.

But that's the thing, you know? Like, what if it takes, like, you know, rework your roster in a way to make him happy and then it takes away what everyone is saying? The whole point of him is we're set. We have a great defense. We have some new young weapons for him to work with. Like, but if you have to mortgage that, then what?

But I would imagine there's a way to fucking get it all done. That would be wild. That would be wild. I mean, it's interesting not to be in New York, but in New York, that's like the fucking basement of the fucking AFC East. But,

and, and who knows, you know, in Belichick, we trust, but as it stands, if Rogers, Josh Allen, Tua, Miami, probably the fourth-place team.

Yeah. It's crazy, man. Holy shit. Well, we'll see how the Jets fuck this one up. Maybe the tides have turned, man. I was thinking the other night, I was trying not to get ahead of myself. I was like, is there a world where I'm 23 living in New York City and the Knicks, Mets, and Jets are all championship contenders? I don't even want to get that far ahead, but it's realistic.

At least let's go to playoff teams. All three are playoff teams for sure. Yeah, yeah. Maybe not the Jets. Right away, you've got to figure that out. The Knicks and Mets are for sure playoff teams, you know? All three are playoff teams for sure. Yeah, yeah. Maybe not the Jets. Like right away, yeah, you got to figure that out. The Jets are for sure playoff teams. Brother, bite your fucking tongue. I'm telling you, as a 38-year-old who has been a 23-year-old in this position, ain't nothing guaranteed.

But maybe it's finally my time to shine. Get a little bit of money in my pocket. My teams get good. Maybe the mush is gone. Also famous last words. You really wrote for 40 straight days? Yeah. It's difficult.

I saw it already. You son of a bitch. Are you left out? No, no, no, no. Don't look. Do you want to include it? Don't look. Do not look. don't look do not look it is the exact opposite of sexual but still it's worse I would prefer you take your dick out than show her that. You you stroll in here an hour late showing your shit

to our girls. You're a vile person. You're an hour late. I was on the other Oh shit. You're 45 minutes late. What time was I supposed to be at?

1030. I was on that fucking dickhead. They kept me too long. Is that true? I was on one too. Yeah. Oh I thought you weren't here. So did I. Yeah I was here. Oh dickhead. They kept me too long. Was that true? I was on one, too. Yeah. Oh, I thought you weren't here.

So did I. Yeah, I was here. Oh. All right, fuck those guys. They always do that shit. I'm going to start bringing people in the back door. Yeah. That's bullshit.

You should have stopped and just jumped in there and stolen me. I should have. Yeah, now that I know that. You should steal guests from each other. Now? I've been sitting here for 45 minutes. I'm absolutely going to ruin their next show. Yeah, 100 percent. Next time they have a guest, I'm just going to walk in with a fucking –

Hey, can you guys pull a second? Yeah. I'm going to sit in and talk to you for a second. And then you're just going to be like, come here. Yeah, no. It's always been a one-way thing because they're glass walls right by the elevator. So they come off and they're always like, oh, you, come on on. And then I'm sitting here with my dick in my hand in the back

corner. So we're just going to have to smuggle people in. Well, they're leaving. They're going to Chicago. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out. What's wrong with your body, dude? I drank a lot, but the blood is always. Are you always shit blood?

Is that not a sign of really bad? No, I got a doctor looked at it. It's fine. It's just hemorrhoids. So what happens is my asshole inflamed. I think just pooping too long. Really?

I think it's from pushing, right? Because they pop. Yeah, it creates this bubble. So you must be just pushing? Really, really hard all the time. See, what I do is when I go to the bathroom, I've said before, every time I go to the bathroom, it's an emergency. You hold it. You don't want to go?

It just falls out of me. I give birth at 10 months. So when you're on the bowl like that, are you in intense pain? Nope, nothing. And then I'll wipe and I'll feel wet. That's what it feels like. Blood went all the way through and just broke the paper. This is a horrible podcast.

Yeah. That's how you start it off. It's a problem, but then you've got to plug it up. You've got to plug it up. If it's bleeding, it'll keep bleeding. So you've got to plug it up. You've got to plug it up. If it's bleeding, it'll keep bleeding. So you've got to take some toilet paper. You put a tampon in your ass? Yeah.

Manpon. I was going to say, this is the old man show bit, right? The manpon? You're fucking disgusting. Yeah. Rolling around with a fucking. I'll show you one in 20 minutes. I was saying.

I swear to fucking God right now. You do that. You do the naked man a lot, right? I love the naked man. And then I feel like somebody recently was telling a story about you saying, do you want to see my hemorrhoids? And they were like, no. And I'm pretty sure they had to see it anyway.

Dude, one time it was like early Legion of Skanks. I think it was Skanks. And they were like, Lewis or somebody was like, oh, my asshole is terrible right now. And whatever. And they were like, Ari, why are you being so quiet? I'm like, because it's like I'm going to one-up you guys. This is light work. This is child's play.

I mean, imagine if you're talking about how far you can hit a baseball and you don't realize you have a guy who just left Major League Baseball last year. And he's just like, I mean, I'll beat you. So he's just like confident. And it was like, then they started looking at it. We had to look into each other's assholes. Oh, my God. No pushback was the rule. They have honor. They was like, then they started looking at it. We had to look into each other's assholes. Oh my god. No pushback was the rule. They have honor. They have a certain level of honor there at Skanks.

No pushback, meaning like you can't shove your ass into someone's face. Because they're like, I'm not going to look at your asshole if that's on the table. I'm actually very surprised they didn't just violent that. If no one brought it up, there would have been pushbacks. Right. That makes sense.

How are you guys doing? I mean, any day that I don't have a hemorrhoid is a great day, I feel like. Literally, Jordan was like, sorry, I have to troubleshoot shit today. I'm getting an Uber right now. I'll be probably five minutes late. And she was like, do you need pictures? She was like, send it to Kevin. I'm like five minutes late. And she was like, I was like, do you need pictures? She was like, send it to Kevin. I was like,

all right. Fucking, so it's Jordan's fault. Send it to Kevin. I was having issues. You need pictures. Get the fuck out of here. You are disgusting.

I had a couple things to talk to you about. Well, the first one, Diplo. Oh, yeah. Diplo.

Diplo went on. Do you know who Diplo is? is he died not yet um even better didn't he stop doing music because he was gonna get sober was that another one I don't know I don't know but he went on Emily Ratajkowski's podcast Emily Ratajkowski can speak yo kind of I gotta give her credit at least the clips I see you don't you don't you don't have to she's more like conversational than you would expect really like i would think it would be like you know she fucking eric andre i'm sorry she's eric andre fucking her i think they fought i think that was it what a i think that was a quick in and out yeah good for eric good for eric that is like uh that is i don't

care how like he's very successful and famous and and it's like, of course he can get girls, but Emily is still a notch above when a guy like that goes. Because he views himself as not famous. Exactly. So you know on the inside, he's like, holy shit, I'll go to the Emily and Ronnie house, you're gonna find my dick. There were the rumors that it was like a publicity thing, that kind of shit.

Great. I was gonna say, would you do that? I'll do a publicity thing, but we're fucking. We're fucking. We'll get the business out of it, but also I was going to say, would you do that? I'll do a publicity thing, but we're fucking. We're fucking. We'll get the business out of it, but also I get to put it in. You wouldn't do, like if she was like, we're not going to actually fuck.

If Kim Kardashian came to you. We're fucking. We're fucking. That's the same thing with a marriage for a Canadian. I'm like, sure, sure, we'll get married,

but we're fucking. Once or? No, no, no. It's got to be because of the name. Because when the guy comes over to inspect, it's got to be real. And he's like, oh, you guys live together? I'm like, and we fuck, dude.

Smell my fucking dick right now. It's got her pussy stink all over. Smell her pussy and smell my dick. And I'll guarantee you it smells the same. It's a mess. Do it. It's a mess, brother. Do it, fucking U.S.

I don't know. I got a bunch of buddies who are, like, Irish, and they've all, like, married here. But they don't the women don't live here i i had a bunch i had two buddies who um one like was in florida one was like in california and they've been married for like five seven years good people good people i i mean it it's expensive it's expensive and it's all he i think one of my buddies he paid 25 i think 25 is going right these days wait wait like as a black market thing or yeah yeah yeah okay so those people get 25 grand to be those people get paid 25k to be fake married yes i mean that's you know if you're but they have like a joint where you're out in life like

you you need money you can do if you have a friend but it's like yeah it was that's gonna be a hassle for you like that's there's some shit that's like it's gonna be a a nuisance it's funny because i have a friend who married a British guy, but for real. And then they had the same thing. We're like, let's see about this. But it was a real marriage. And they asked him questions with someone. It's like, what's their favorite color?

And they're like, I don't know. That's actually, see, the best. People would study it. I think it depends on what color is your tooth. I don't fucking know what their color is. I don't know because they're my tooth. What's their favorite flower? I don't know.

I get them roses. I don't fucking know. They're disappointed every Valentine's Day flower I don't know I get them roses I don't fucking know they're disappointed every Valentine's Day my relationship's not perfect but it's still fucking right it's like bro we barely even fuck anymore

I don't know what I'm gonna tell you that's the real shit right there ask me questions about what I hate about it I'll get them right yeah publicity relationship

you know they have those I would say like 99% of them are if Kim Kardashian came to you tomorrow and was like we're gonna work you into the to you tomorrow and was like, we're going to work you into the show,

you're going to become famous, famous, money, money, you wouldn't do it? First of all, I mean, speaking real, the last thing I want in the world is fame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For no real benefit, only for fame's sake? Yeah, yeah, I'm with you on that. No way. I actually always say if I could get the money without the fame,

that's the dream. The fame is just you got to put if I could get the money without the fame, that's the dream. The fame is just you got to put up with to get the money. But then rich people are like, God, I'd give anything for someone to come take a picture with you right now. Yeah, yeah. To know I have a billion dollars or whatever. Right, right. Right. I mean, yeah, they're on another level.

I guess that's a bad example. But if it was like a – I don't know, another comedian, a female comedian, something that was like this is going to really benefit you. You're going to sell tickets. You're going to achieve, sell the garden, whatever. Yeah, if Sarah Silver and I started this fake relationship. That would be, you would be like a power Jew couple. You guys might fucking wake Hitler from the grave. What the fuck's going on up there?

Sarah and Ari featuring Kanye. Let's go. That's right. What if I start fucking Kanye? The relationship no one expected. Well, this brings us back to Diplo. Oh, yeah. So Diplo was on Emily Ratajkowski's podcast saying, he's like, I've been blown by guys before.

And he's like, but I'm not gay. Incorrect. Yeah. He goes, he said, it sounded like it was one of the things he was so fucked up and probably having like an orgy. I don't remember it, but I think I got my dick sucked by a guy. I'm sure. And he was like – and I liked it. Why wouldn't you?

It's a dick sucker. But like if you like a guy sucking your dick, you're probably gay. People say like just because you did it once doesn't make you gay and people – everyone else will say that's incorrect. But it's like just because I've had meat one time just doesn't mean I'm not a vegetarian. Like, incorrect. If you eat meat on occasion, you're not a vegetarian. But what if you never eat meat again? Okay.

It's only the gay thing. It's only the gay thing. It only works for gay. Then there's no metaphor. I'll start being straight now. And it's only men. If you've hooked up with a chick and you're a chick, you're like, it's something you tried. Why is that?

It's the final frontier. I don't know. It's so funny that they can just switch back and forth. If I could defend Diplo here for a second, I bet you could.

What people talk about with old school rock stars is like the fucking, fucking, God damn it. Led Zeppelin? I was going to say fucking Rolling Stones,

fucking Prince, like all of those. They fucked every woman. No shit, they started fucking guys. They were sick damn it. Led Zeppelin? I was going to say fucking Rolling Stones, fucking Prince, like all of those. They fucked every woman. No shit they started fucking guys. They were sick of it. Eventually. Diplo's kind of,

I mean, Diplo's kind of, he's not quite to that level, but like, Diplo's a modern day rock star. I mean, I was going to say, he's not like on that level

of like fame and popularity, but in terms of partying and fucking. Yeah. He's got like a Vegas residency and shit. He drugs all the time. Yeah.

And also it's like, girls like, hey, can I fuck you? It's like, we already have three. And they're like a Vegas residency and shit. He drugs all the time. Yeah. And also it's like, girls like, hey, can I fuck you? He's like, we already have three. And they're like, how about this two?

All right, I'll jump in two. It's not ideal, but it's fine. He said, like, you know, like almost the old joke,

like it's not gay unless you know, if you don't make eye contact. He like said that legitimately. Really? Like dead, dead face. Like,

you know, I didn't make eye contact. I did make eye contact, but I will maintain that if you don't make eye contact, it is not gay. Yeah, gay is the last thing where it's still like, whoa. Because I said this the other day. It was funny. We admitted on the podcast, or I admitted it.

Oh, we were taking – who was here? We did the gay test with Josh Potter. Let's run a train on each other. I'm not fucking your head right now. No eye contact. Imagine if you were gay. You'd be at the back. You could never be gay.

You'd have to be a top. Yeah, I'd have to be a top. Imagine guys being like, I want to fuck you. No, you don't. No, you don't. You bleach that asshole. It's worse than that.

It's not even. That's not the issue. Imagine that. You get ready, and you're like, what is that? It looks like a Demogorgon coming out at you.

Are you on your period? You're on your period? We used to think it was something to do with the moon, but I don't think it is. What the fuck does that mean? Like, you know, the cycle brings it out of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The hemorrhoid?

Yeah. It's that time, but I don't think it holds up. I think it's you pushing too hard. We're drinking shit, but every time we're drinking shit, the moon is full. Even diarrhea ones. Today was loose. I drank hard hard. We're drinking shit. But every time I'm drinking shit, the mood is full. Even diarrhea ones. Today was loose.

I drank hard yesterday. Okay. All right. It was loose and fucking, you know, that kind. And still bloody. I love a diarrhea. I know. He says that all the time.

It's a fun one. Well, if you're sick, it's a fun one. If you're sick, dude. There's no pain it just it just there there are times where there are times where like i'll just like obviously i thought i was just laughing you know what it is it's one of those planes that drops like the water over a fire yeah yeah yeah exactly and sometimes you're like how did i even hold that in there's no consistency to it dude i had diarrhea so bad it's like a hole got poked in a water balloon.

Somehow you kept it closed. Did I remove the balloon and still hold it the shape? I was skiing with comedians, and I had diarrhea so bad. I was like, I got to go. That's got to be one of the worst places in the world. Yeah, and so I started skiing down, and then I had to stop. And I'm like, I could see the lodge, but I had to stop and cross my legs. Because I'm like, I won't make it. And then I was like, fuck. And then I'd wait stop. And I'm like, I could see the lodge. But I had to stop and cross my legs. Because I'm like, I won't make it.

And then I was just like, fuck. And then I had to wait there for two minutes. You don't get regained control. You're like, I think I'm OK. Stop again. Stop, go, stop, go. You almost got to sit on your knees. It's like a video game where you got to hide and regain your health back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your turbo back. It's a sports podcast. Oh, man. Yeah, Diplo is a homo. it's a sports podcast oh man yeah Diplo is a homo well so we we did the the

it was like an are you gay test with Josh Potter it was an Instagram it was so stupid yeah but one of them was like when you see

two guys kissing and Josh Potter's like I don't see shit have you seen me it was like A you know ABC

it was like feel okay feel weird feel whatever and everybody was kind of like answering like it's fine and i was like i'm gonna be honest here every time i see that i'm not i don't have a problem with it but i still go like whoa whoa see what see like two guys like hardcore make out it's especially if it's like you know what actually if i saw two gay guys do it but when I see like an actor that I know is straight or something like that or Diplo, who I thought was straight,

when I see like two guys going at it, yeah, I'm always like, holy shit, they went for it there. Yeah. And it's not like I have

a problem with it or whatever, but we're still at a point where I'm like, It takes you out of it for a second where you're like, whoa. And I'm sure like

one more generation or two more will just, it won't even affect them. But after I said that, everybody kind of went like oh yeah yeah me too me too

it's just it's not like it's a you're angry it's just like what you were raised it's just like that wasn't

for the first 10 years of your life that wasn't a possibility I go even further I grew up in quite a bubble where it was like I remember I met a Jewish person

I was in New York I was like I was like 21 years old in New York. I was like, I've got a lot of big noses here. I was talking to Keith. Keith's not working today. I was like, why? He's like, it's Rosh Hashanah.

I was like, what the fuck is that? What does that even mean? I was like, you're from Massachusetts and Jewish? What the hell? Dude, Barstow was very wacky with the Jews. Dave and Keith being Jewish from Boston, you're not Jewish. Portnoy is Jewish? Oh, yeah. Portnoy?

Yeah Wow, interesting How about this, yesterday on the rundown Dave was anti-NDA Really? Of all people How's he anti-NDA? We were just talking about Tiger It was mostly because he's so anti-Tiger

That no matter what about that story He was going to be anti-Tiger But he's like, imagine how bad you got to be to make your girlfriend sign some paperwork saying you won't talk about it. Not girlfriend, some random slut. I was like, it's not – it's like you're going to share – talk about your money. You're going to talk about your family. You're going to probably pee on this girl if you're Tiger Woods. You're going to do all sorts of stuff and you just want to make sure – and he was like – and I'm sitting there looking around.

I'm like – looking at at Eddie like is he serious? Does Dave Portnoy not get the value of an NDA right now? I love that girl suing him I want to be free of the NDA

and then Tiger's response is there is none. There is no NDA. Did he say that? No NDA? Yeah he's like we don't even have one with you but we will not renege

the one you have but you don't have that. Because even saying I have an NDA is like, that's against the rules too. I also think like if she was, if there was a bombshell, like if he really did some terrible abusive shit, I think she would have just said it.

I don't think he'd go to the court. It's going to be just like, I want to sell a story. Like he, I bet you he did some cakey shit. He came early or whatever. No, I bet you it's going to be some stuff that's like foul

because Tiger's wacky, but it's going to be, he made her call him his kid's name. Some shit like that where people are going to be like, I think violence and stuff like that, I think that stuff violates an NDA and makes it Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I don't think you would go to the court and be like, Tiger used to beat me and I'm not allowed to talk about it. You would just be like, here it is, motherfuckers. Also, NDAs are tough because if you sue someone for violating, that's almost confirming it. If someone violates an NDA and you're like, we're suing you, we're taking you to court, you violated the NDA.

It's like, well, now it's good. I would imagine what it is is it's just like, it's a line of defense that's like, this is going to be a fucking pain in the ass for everybody. You're going to have to pay lawyers. You're going to – like that's why – but like some of these people where it reaches a level where it matters, it's like I'm going to write a book and make all the money. DiCaprio, for sure you can't fuck DiCaprio without signing shit. Dude, oh, I know.

I mean I know of like – You can't walk through the door. I know of like lower – Forget it. I've heard rumors of like lower level like athletes and shit that aren't like even superstars. Dude, I've fucked chicks in the past. Come through the door sign the sign the paper would just start blabbing about the celebrities they fucked and then you gotta be like please don't no matter what happens here you're gonna tell people right yeah i know

yeah that's why like you can have them sign it but it's just like if you fuck a random they would start telling you before you have a girlfriend like eventually you're gonna and it's like they didn't sign an nda they were just telling me and it was like this is the reason you have them because these chicks are tacky dude but i'd be like i don't want to hear how you fucked lebron let's just have sex and like i why are you telling i'd be like why are you telling me this you're ruining this is not the game to play yeah well also tell me tell me you're a virgin tell me you've never even hugged somebody before yeah i'm excellent at sex, and I've never done it. Right, right.

I learned these things practicing at home. Some guy in second grade tried to hold your hand once, and your dad beat him up. That's the shit I want to hear. I feel like an NDA is also probably public declarations. You're allowed to talk to your girlfriends, right? I used to do commercials, and sometimes when Apple would have a commercial, before you even audition, they'd make you sign an NDA, and I would just take a picture of it and post it on Twitter. Here's the live phone.

This is not binding. What are you talking about? Would you tell your post-picture after you signed it or before? Oh, good question. I don't remember. Let's say both. While he's signing it. Yeah, I do think it's one of those things where lawyers are probably like, we'll make it really big with a lot of words.

And we'll say, you're not allowed to talk about it. It gives people some courage. And they just pause and they go, I can't say that. I also think it makes people feel special. Like, no, no, no, you're my real girl. You're in the circle. I'm going to tell you everything, you dumb fucking bitch. I think everyone would be using low level.

I remember when Drake had the thing. Remember when Drake getting a rim job was a big deal? Yeah. Drake has gotten so many rim jobs. So many. So many. I would bet the most rim jobs. Out of anyone on earth, I bet Drake has got the most rim jobs.

Because most people don't want rim jobs, celebrity-wise. And so if you do want one, you're in the league. You think most... Oh, I think at this point, everybody wants a rim job. I don't care for them. Well, we know why. Yeah, I feel bad for the league. You think most... Oh, I think everybody. I think at this point everybody wants a rim job. I don't care for them. Well, we know why. Yeah, I feel bad for the chip. You're a normal asshole.

Maybe you can get one. You sick fucking freak. I would actually... Please tell me that's never happened. Gotten a rim job? Yeah. Yeah, once.

I just felt really bad for it. It didn't do anything for me and I just felt bad the whole time. Yeah. It's because it's... Oh, gee. The disrespect to Colleen on this episode is just

not paying attention at all she's trying to block this out forever uh yeah that's because that girl that's more like giving a blow job to you she's like sucking on things sucking on things yeah i got a bunch of clits back there sports podcast it was my fault for bringing that even up i still got this man pond we got to deal with later. Yo, let me tell you this. The Beacon March 24th. Remember to get tickets now at rishabray.com. I'm coming to that, by the way.

Are you? Yes. Hell yeah. This weekend, the building shut off running water. But it ran. Why? Portnoy wanted to fucking tell you guys not to cut your weight. It ran through.

The Jews are down. We lost. The girls got to eat. We got to cut your weight. It ran through. The Jews are down. We lost Girls Gotta Eat. We got to whatever it is. No water, no food until we get the views. It ran through all day Monday, though. Usually they do that shit on off hours of the weekend, but it went through Monday. So yesterday at the office, there was no running water.

On this floor, though. So everyone had to go upstairs to go to the bathroom. Weird. And what we learned real quick is that everybody disregarded that rule real fast. There was no running water on this floor, though. So everyone had to go upstairs to go to the bathroom. Weird. And what we learned real quick is that everybody disregarded that rule real fast. He had an empty toilet. And I – Shit. He had an empty toilet.

So I – he went to the bathroom and there was someone shitting. And then I went like 20 minutes later. And maybe that was just one really long shit, but I'm pretty sure it was a second person in there shitting. And I was like, man, on the one hand, it could be an emergency. But on the other hand, you got to be a real – Go up be a real like you just go up one floor but as i say that i was i went in there and i went right past the sign that said out of order and i pissed but it is in order but it holds my dump it's not out of order it's like that escalator joke yeah it can't be broken escalators just stairs i mean did someone shit on shit it smelled so bad it smelled like it if somebody shit on shit

that's that's another level that's savage you are yeah if you're popping I wouldn't even shut up

I would no way you got a flesh what if there's flashback flashback it is if you shit on shit

you're a savage also what if you get a ball dipper you know if it's a high high level and you get a ball dipper in piss

but it was it was some lord of the flies shit man and I was like you know tipper. You know, if it's a high level and you get a ball tipper in piss? But it was some Lord of the Flies shit, man. And I was like, you know, I would venture to guess any group of people would do this,

but Barstool Sports failed that test with flying colors. Like, we all were just like, we're using the bathroom all day no matter what.

It smelled terrible. It was terrible. I hope that woman walks in And just like Throws a bleach bomb first I think she just Lighted on fire She should burn this place down

I would actually quit I think I would quit I'd be like I'm not cleaning this You guys clean this yourself I'll clean the rest of it But I'm not going to those bathrooms You fucking animals Dude I did that in college once

Where I got like I was a job like As like a fucking bar back Yeah Like first night I went into the bathroom At like 3am at a bar Yeah

College dive bar I was like No I'm not doing this i'm not doing this the bar we were at in arizona you think i'm mopping up this puke and this piss and this shit everywhere like that's not what i'm doing i was like i will i will fill the ice tray right i was hiding a bar back i'm not doing this i love when it's so clear like oh no not worth it yeah yeah i'm just done here the the bar we went to in arizona someone shit in the urinal which is like wow that's how yeah like yeah how was it logistically so you think that they The bar we went to in Arizona, someone shit in the urinal. Wow. How?

How? Yeah. How was it logistically? You think they had to piss and then turn around. Because if you're just shitting in the urinal, then you're pissing on the floor. That's also a very popular thing. They probably just piss on the floor. Me and Ren Aziz used to do this thing where we would just fuck with people.

He'd stand. I mean, it's illegal, I guess. But he'd stand in the bathroom in the shitter place so and he'd wait and hold a phone up and i and then so we'd wait someone to come in then i would go in and piss next to him a variety of things one i would take my pants all the way down okay so you're at the urinal naked yeah and then while they're next to me and try not to look and steve's just recording it and then another time you piss backwards. So the urinal's here. You gotta like come in this way, dip your dick down.

No! Yeah, somebody looks like and you can get it in? Yeah. I know what I'm trying later. Yeah. I'd have to,

I'd have to do it like this. I'd have to like hold my balls up. Yeah, because your balls are hard to get out of the way. Or you'd have to split your balls. Split'd have to like hold my balls up up yeah because your balls are hard are hard to get out of the way yeah or you have to split your balls yeah that's why yeah yeah you pull it up yeah try it i mean i'm definitely gonna if someone's there how far do you think you can pee from a urinal away from it yeah depends this guy last year said he could pee like he i

think he was sitting there and he said like i could pee. I think he said I could hit the trash barrel of the chair. It's retarded. Well, you just said it was retarded. It's just not true. It's not true. It's just not true. I think – If it was way low, if you're on a mountaintop maybe.

No chance. No chance. Man, I still don't think it's crazy. You still got to get the velocity going. I got to pee right now. Let me try it. Yeah, yeah. We did.

So after that episode, I went and I peed, and I got like three squares of tile away. You got to hold it, like pinch, and then like push. Yeah, like a hose. That's your very first burst. It's very first, and then it slows down from there. But all you do is get a touch. You just get one drop. One drop.

It's like, ring. This is disgusting. This popped up on... Emily Ratajkowski has a podcast? I'd laugh at it, but we have a podcast. Dude, podcasts are done. We've got to find a new career. Yeah, that is true.

That might be the last moment. We're done with it. Models are doing it. There was someone who retweeted a podcast clip recently, and it was a viral clip. You might have seen it, but a girl sneaking out. She was sleeping with her boyfriend, and she snuck out while he was asleep,

fucked her ex-boyfriend in a gas station bathroom. No. He came in her. She went back to her boyfriend's apartment. He woke up from his sleep and was hungry. I'm not hungry. Horny. Started eating her out.

Hungry too. And was like, baby, your pussy tastes so good right now. And she's like, and he's eating my ex-boyfriend's cum out of my pussy. I remember that. Women, remember that. They're just vile beasts.

Someone just tweeted, these are my favorite kind of podcasts. The one where a guy who thinks he's Bradley Cooper interviews a girl who was deprived of oxygen at birth. How about this one? What do you got for this one? Okay. This is from Reddit. Today I fucked up by getting tested to donate a kidney to my wife.

I decided to get tested to see if I could donate a kidney to my wife of six years. We have two kids together, four and two. My wife got sick just after our son was born and now is in need of a kidney transplant. We checked with all of her relatives. None were a match or a viable donor. Last week I got tested. I knew it would be a long shot, so I decided to get tested to see if I could donate. I got a call the other day saying that I was

a match. The doctor then said something about wanting to do additional testing for some information for the HLA tissue test results. I didn't think much of it and agreed. Then the results came back and I was shocked and confused. He explained that because of how DNA information is passed

down through generations, from a parent to a child, you'd have to have at least a 50% match. Siblings can have a match anywhere from 0 to 100%. It was rare to have a high match as a husband and wife. I asked what that means. They said you have an abnormally high match percentage. Long story short, we're

related. I was put up for adoption before I was born, placed into a family that moved across the country. I knew I was adopted but we didn't have any information about my bio family. It was a closed adoption before I was born, placed into a family that moved across the country. I knew I was adopted, but we didn't have any information about my bio family. It was a closed adoption. I met my wife by chance eight years ago. I was on a trip from work, and she was working at the site we went to. We worked together for a week.

We exchanged numbers. We kept in touch. I was sent back there three more times that year. We became closer. Yada, yada. This guy writes too much. I fucked my sister in one sentence. too much uh and i fucked my sister one sentence yeah yeah yeah i fucked my sister bro you find out you have two kids though i mean i guess they're but they're both fine yeah yeah it said like they're okay i think i think he had like an edit that was like

yeah we're not at least stupid i was gonna say they're at least assholes i i i thought it was like 100 and maybe it's just like what people tell you as a kid so you don't have sex with your hot cousin yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i think you can dodge a bullet i think you can do all the time but dodging yeah i mean the fucking real family yeah it's like driving drunk you mostly don't crash right the truth they don't want to tell you i would say 99 of all drunk driving you succeed succeed yeah yeah i mean but that you but you don't want to tell you. I would say 99% of all drunk driving, you succeed. You succeed. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean... But you don't want to risk that 1%. That's the same... Yeah. You do. That's why you do it. You do want to risk it.

You mostly don't crash. I mean, that's the reality of it. You mostly don't crash. There are a lot less police officers than you think. It's like the ads for condoms. It's either this or this. It shows condom or a baby. And you're like, but it's notom or a baby and you're like but it's not either that or that yeah it's a lot of times it's fun yeah you know uh it's fucking you just it should be either this

or the chick's face covers the semen there's third options which are also really cool dude i was at an ob-gyn once... We were just trying to get laid. Picking up chicks. That's where you pick up chicks. You single? I'll raise it. What's your plan? Were you pro-life, pro-choice?

I'll decide which way I'm going to go with this. Just in case I don't pull out, what would you do? But on the fucking wall, they had a poster of rating the... Almost like an Uber system where they're rating the stars of different contraceptives. And five stars were IUDs. IUDs too. They both work pretty well.

You ain't gonna have a baby With one of those Four stars were Fucking Like condoms And fucking birth control And shit like that And three stars Which is a very

Satisfactory rating Was pulling out And I was like Oh if you guys Are saying this Pulling out works 100% of the time Pulling out

100% of the time I just don't think it does It does I have a scientific study. Zero kids. Here's what doesn't work. Barely pulling out. Yeah, you got to fully pull out.

That's far less effective. When you want it to feel good. What everyone does is. You got to ruin your orgasm. It's like it's shooting and the seam is coming down the shaft and you're like pulling it right there. That's not it. You got to.

It stays. The cum stays exactly where. You know what I mean? When you do that, that's like. It. The cum stays exactly where, you know what I mean? When you do that, that's like... It's like jumping on a train. You know what I mean? Like, the cum just stays

right where it is and puts you on the train. Yeah, exactly. It just stays there. It's like how Dobby got killed. The little Harry Potter reference for everybody. When they throw the knife

through the fucking, like, time hole. Oh, yeah. Dobby, hurt. I don't know how Harry Potter references, but that sounds wild. Throw the knife through the time hole and kill Dobby. Yeah,'t know how Harry Potter references but that sounds wild

throw the knife in the time hole and kill Dobby yeah you gotta make sure you have to be you have to have the awareness

to ruin your own orgasm and be like I'm gonna pull this out a little early and fucking jerk it off it is always a tough conversation you have

in your head you're like this is about done yeah how many more can I get in how many more strokes can I get in

yeah exactly and you're like this is the best part yeah so you definitely don't want to leave early. And your brain is... The last thing you want to do is pull out and then have to jerk for a little while. That's so embarrassing.

You're like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I've said when I was younger, I was so scared. Somehow I've gotten less scared of it, I guess, just because it's worked so many times. But when I was younger, I'd pull out so early that basically it was just me and a girl wrestled for a while, and then I jerked off all city on her. That was how I had sex. Sometimes a girl, too, she'll come to my mouth, and you're like, okay, tongue before you cut. And then you're like, okay, I'm pulling out. And then she'll get a hair tie.

I'm like, dude, get the fuck down there. It's right now. You gotta fucking spit and go. What the fuck down there. It's right now. You gotta fucking spit and go. What the fuck are you doing behind your time? That's nuts. These chicks gotta work on their game. For real. Before you go,

you test them how fast they can do up-downs. No! Yeah, exactly. That's like in the NBA when you have to have a certain amount on the clock to get a shot off. Right, right, right. You got a certain amount of time.

0.3. Yeah, 0.3 seconds. You have to be there. Have you ever faked it? Faked an orgasm? Yeah. Yeah. Only in condoms.

Oh, really? Yeah. I did it one time. Then you got to fill it up with some lotion and shit and put it in the trash. I think you can fake if you're leaving it in and be like, I don't know, there just wasn't a lot. Yeah, I guess. You can probably one time. Then you got to fill it up with like some lotion and shit and put it in the trash. I did it once. I think you can fake if you're leaving it in and be like, I don't know. There just wasn't a lot. Yeah, I guess.

You can probably do that. Unless you like are blasting loads. You know, if it's your second or third time. You can't feel a little? Colleen. No, Colleen. Colleen. Can you feel?

Colleen, don't answer this question. I think they can feel it, but I don't think, you know, I think if you're just like, listen, I don't know. You didn't feel that time? I don't know. Whatever. It wasn't a lot. I've done it before where, like, I pulled out. It was, like, the first time I ever had sex with this girl.

And I pulled out. I faked it. It was, like, we were in the morning. It was the morning because I was too drunk to get up the night before. Yeah. And I was still so fucked up. And, like, we'd done drugs. It was fucking a mess.

And so, like, it was just, like, I was just pushing rope. Pushing rope. four yeah and i was still so fucked up and like we've done drugs it's fucking a mess and so like it was just like i was just pushing rope and i pulled out and i was like oh i finished and like i figured like that was gonna be in it she's like okay whatever and she stood up and we were on blue sheets and she stood up and held up the sheets like where is it and i was like she called you on it i was like what the fuck I thought you knew I was lying you were here this is one of those agreed upon things just let me off the hook

we both know I'm lying don't call me on it it's the same thing we've been letting you guys do it yeah yeah I'm not grilling you about your fakes so this is the best way to do it I came on a rug once and it just like it was like mystery it just like – Soaked it in.

It was like mystery. It was like, where did it go? And I was like, I'm going to get this for my house, whatever this rug is. It's like calling the concierge. What's laying down in room 103 here? It's amazing. Oh, that's a rug that's soaked with the cum of people for the last three decades. I came on a wall once.

On a wall? In college, one of the first chicks I fucked I think the second chick I ever fucked And I just blasted A load inside her And she's like Did you just come inside me? And I was like

Yeah What do you mean? Because my last The first girl was like On the pill We talked about I was like Are you not

You don't just assume that I'm like fuck Oh no You gotta pull out I was like okay And then I pulled out But I didn't know What to do with it.

At that age, too. I was on a bunk bed, turned to the side, shot on the wall, and just dripped down to where her roommate slept. Oh, God. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? On my stomach. It is pretty funny. I had a buddy. We had an apartment in like a summer share house kind of deal.

And he would do kind of what Kevin did or what you did too. It was just when he was jerking off. I don't think he had sex the whole summer. But when he was jerking off, he would just turn and come on the floor. And it was a hardwood floor. And he wouldn't clean it up. So it would just collect like dust. So if you looked in his room, it was just like black splotches.

Kelly left, by the way. She's done. But it would still be wet under? I don't know. It would be like a Viet Cong trap? Dude, so one day when he was at work, it looked like a jungle floor. So we got a paper mache. We made a paper mache tree.

And we had it stretch out to a ceiling fan. And we just played Toto Africa because it looked like the jungle. There was so much cum and so much dust it collected that it looked like a jungle floor. That's great. I thought you would like that one. I do. I like it. I like it a lot.

The shit you do when you're, I was going to say younger, but it probably just keeps going. It stays. Yeah, like you don't really. As long as you don't have kids sure yeah i was fucking nailing beer pong me and sal i've never been that on i've never been that you are pathetic last night i made how old are you i'm 48 48 with hemorrhoids playing fucking beer pong with sal fucking life baby yeah yeah i mean I woke up still drunk today. It's rare that I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm like, come on, I'm still fucked up.

How late are you out? Not crazy late. 2, 2.30. Have you slowed down at all? Are you drinking the same amount you always have? No, I'll just have days where you go for it. Generally, I don't drink much. I've been drinking hard lately.

It's the frequency that goes down. Yeah, but this last road trip was like, next week I'm taking off much I've been drinking hard lately so it's the frequency that goes down but the consumption but this last road trip was like it was I was like next week I'm taking off and I was like no shit

no next week I'm taking off there's always something that pops up that is the worst I can't believe you're a quarter of the way through the year you're like fuck

alright it was San Jose I'm like no I'm not doing it in San Jose and the opener's like come on have a drink it's gotta I've gotta take three days off it's been two weeks already that I've wanted to take a day off it in San Jose. And the opener's like, come on, have a drink. It's got to, I've got to take three days off.

It's been two weeks already that I've wanted to take a day off. It's San Jose. You guys fucking suck. This is not a party city. That is one of the more, I remember Bert, when we went to Amsterdam, was talking about he was going to take off the next city. And I think it was Antwerp. Yeah.

And I was like, oh man, that sucks. If you live in a city that people say, they look at the map and they go, all right, I'll take off. Yeah. It's like San Jose. If you miss San Jose, nobody cares. The first sober October we did, we were just like, okay, I got to take off. And then he had never been to Australia before.

And he goes, I'm going to take off in, I guess, August or whatever it was. And I was like – I looked at his schedule. I'm like, oh, dude, that's three of those weeks you're in Australia. He goes, so? I'm like, oh, you don't understand. You're not going to be able to not drink in Australia. It's not. It's just not.

Certain places you can't. They'll be mad at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The country will be mad at you. They'll treat you're not going to be able to not drink in Australia. It's not. They'll be mad at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The country will be mad at you. It's like you're disrespecting them. Yeah, their national bird is a shooey. You just can't. You just can't. They drink so fucking hard.

I heard the other day you were... What'd you hear? I think, were you like the second or first guest on Rogan? Something like that? I was early, for sure. We used to do it when it was a webcam. We'd have the crowd around, and then we figured out

if we sat three to a couch, it wouldn't work, so we'd have to sit one on a couch, two on the floor to hold the frame. From one webcam? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I knew you were early on,

but somebody brought a... They told me a trivia question, like, first Joe Rogan guest guest and I said Red Band. And they were like, nope, it was Ari Shapiro. It might have been. It might be me. It's crazy. Yeah.

Me, Heffron, Eddie Bravo, Diaz. So you sat – We'd go to his house. We'd get high. One up and two on the floor? Yeah. Yeah, me and Diaz did a bunch. It was just like Justin TV would put him out.

I don't even know what that is. Justin.TV. Wow. It was a web streaming site. Really? Crazy. Yeah, it was like that predated the podcast. We were just like, let's get on there.

But there was no money in it. Right. It was just like this was fun. You see you guys were doing it just for the love? Yeah. It was just like cool. We had like hundreds of people listening. Right.

And at that point, it was like amazing. Yeah, we do it from green rooms. And people like was- People tune in, comment on the side. You can read what they said. Yeah. It's always live. Yeah, when he stopped streaming, I was like, oh, you stopped streaming live?

He goes, years too late. We were taking wild risks. Yeah, yeah. We were just popular as this got to do this live. Right. It was such a mistake. Yeah. Especially with the guys that were coming through.

Yeah. You're always taking a chance. We're going for the live. Yeah. Although I will be honest like i mean how much do you think like he and all those guys are editing their podcast now they do it a little and every time it comes up with like i'm gonna take this out i'm always like why you don't have to yeah we'll say if something like a personal detail or something comes up we'll do that but like that's the only getting in trouble or like i don't know if i said somebody's somebody's

cheating on their wife and i was like ah shit I think they're still together can you not like that that's it but otherwise like yeah it's just like people

like oh it wasn't funny I'm like that's fine we did our our daily yeah yeah like if you're we're not I'm not like

trying to make us look good for an edit like we're just putting the podcast out we did our our daily rundown show live one time

and I think one time only it was one and done, right? I think so. Oh, really? Yeah. We streamed it. It was when Facebook Live first became a thing. And we were like, we're going to do this every day. We'll put it out as we usually do, but also if you want to watch when we record in the afternoon. And we had a guest on,

which is also very rare. So it was like two very rare. It was usually just me, Portnoy, and Big Cat. Every day, all day, filmed it the same way, recorded it, put it the same way. all of a sudden we have a guest and we're doing it live and uh and this girl joined the show and was like like not a comedian like she was she like we're a sports reporter but just like kind of like barstools this sometimes goes nuts because sometimes they try to keep up with like funny that's kind of when anything happened but she also she was just kind of like well that's what the mexicans do or whatever. And, I mean, I remember being on that panel.

I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was definitely Mexicans. Yeah, and I was just like, oh, boy. And I tried to, like, throw her a bone and laugh at it and kind of. I can kind of say these things and, like, get away with it, but you're fucked. Yeah. And then it ended, and she was like, that was okay, right? And I was like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, if you're looking for a new job can you please get the fuck out of here before you look at your phone because you're gonna have a breakdown you're gonna have a problem I do remember that

she was kind of scrolling like just like to this day oh really but yeah like I mean live shit is like oh she was like fired before she like

left the apartment yeah it was like you're done dude I'm about to take down all my old podcasts so I actually it's not gonna do any good

and it's just there for the people who are looking to hurt people. You should. And the zeitgeist changes. So the stuff you could say... The best example of this is Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Remember that?

Yeah. Gays weren't allowed in the military. Yeah. Bill Clinton was like, how about we change it where you just can't ask them their sexual preference? And if they don't tell you, it's fine. Everyone's like, good compromise. Yeah.

But if you do this now, if gays aren't allowed to say they're gay, you'd be like, get him fired. But it was groundbreakingly progressive at the time. So shit changes. So anything you said 10 years ago, it's like, it just won't play. I was saying that with the new Instagram memories. I don't want to see what I fucking used to say. Oh, yeah.

I don't want to see what I used to look like because I used to look better. And also, I don't want to see the shit I used to think was funny. Because I'm like, guess what? I probably fucking don't think that. It evolved. It changed. I probably just don't think that's funny anymore. I'm not friends with that guy anymore. That too.

We had all of our old podcasts on YouTube. And then we took them down to make it an audio-only product so that everybody repushed the downloads. So we had this, probably hundreds of episodes on video. And then so went when we we were like as a company we're like we got to make a big push on youtube i was like let's just re-release all our old episodes and we'll have you know a treasure trove and we'll just get a million subscribers and like the first episode the first three minutes i was like no no one will see right now but what was acceptable then but they're doing it now so it sounds like you said it now right and I don't expect people

to be like looking like oh this is from you know 2015 or something why would they you know when people are like

do your research I'm like I don't do my research either I just watch something I'll skim a headline you know I see a clip out of context and I react

that's the way the fucking world works that's how it is exactly what am I a scientist do my research I'm not even reading your research you do your research bitch reading the other... Fuck your research.

You do your research, bitch. What the fuck are you talking about? I have to pay 99 cents to read that article. Are you out of your fucking mind? I think 95% of cancel culture would go away if you had a $1 paywall. Yeah, probably. You're like, I don't know. Yeah, never mind.

Never mind. Maybe catch them. So you're at the Beacon on March? March 24th. I saw you guys at the Beacon on March? March 24th. I saw you guys at the Garden. That was the last time I think I saw you guys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Louis.

You were lit. We had just come back from Amsterdam. I was still drunk from Amsterdam. We kept that train rolling. Oh, that's right. You couldn't come to my travel podcast because of that. Dude, if I came on that day, I would have died. Yeah, he would.

I remember him being there. I think I preemptively said i will go do re myself don't worry he was dude like we like landed in amsterdam i like went out from there cool and then like we like the next day was just like that like i like woke up still drunk then we went to like pre-game that and i was straight from there to pretty much to the garden we landed friday garden was saturday wow yeah fun time though, it was great. You know what happened? I would like to do that show a separate time, but a more sober time. That night, we were walking into the garden.

So we had to go from 7th to 8th Avenue to get into the entrance we were going in. Story tricks. And there was this guy and this girl arguing. And she tried to walk away. And he kind of like grabbed her arm and like spun her like pretty fucking hard to the point that like our crew saw it. And like we made eye contact and she said to him like,

yeah, like they fucking just saw that. And I kind of like, I'm still walking, but I'm looking at her and I was like, are you good? And he was clearly shit faced. So tough.

And I have a pretty steadfast rule of like, I don't get involved. Don't get involved. But he was also like really drunk. And I, and I was clearly shit-faced. So tough, dude. And I have a pretty steadfast rule of, like, I don't get involved. Don't get involved. But he was also, like, really drunk, and I was just, and I kept walking. It has to be real violence. And it's been on my mind for, like, since. It has to be real, like, punches to get involved.

Yeah, because I'm thinking, like, what if I do get involved and it escalates? And then it's worse later. It's worse once you're gone. Yeah, yeah, right. If they're grabbing arms too much, and it's like, even if it's going to bruise the arm, it's like, don't get involved.

If it's a punch, like, this is as bad as it will be later. Right. You've got to stop that. But, yeah, it's like even if it's gonna bruise the arm it's like don't get involved if it's a punch like this is as bad as it will be later right you gotta stop that but yeah it's like what if I make it worse and you don't know

their fucking thing that might happen every day of the week as far as I know we tried to break up me, List, and somebody tried to break a canter I think

tried to break up something wait what happened this guy was like holding this chick's purse and she's like give my fucking purse back and he's just like no

and he was just like I think it was a cook at a diner we were at and he was just being real calm she's like you me my fucking purse back and he's like no and he was just like i think it was a cook at a diner we're at and uh and he was just being real calm she's like you're fucking bitch and we got it like ma'am you okay she goes mind your fucking business bitch and we're like okay all right and then steal that one the guy's like she's gonna get you fucking killed dude yeah and it was like yeah you don't know what's going into this i've been thinking about that ever since i was like you should have hit her you missed an opportunity he would have let you for sure if you're like i need to crisscross this like a stranger in a plane

i'll hit your chick just please i know you're a divorce come on help you out it is it is so funny too just like like everything like the reversal of roles dude there was one time this is probably like college maybe a little after where i was getting hit by a girl in a bar and it's like girl i was singing and like i didn't bro she was like going to town on me like like rock and it was just like like a right and like i was just kind of eating them and the only reason someone stepped in is because she was wearing like a flowy like jumper. Someone like casually

said to me like dude excuse me your tits are out. I was like thanks for the backup bro. That's when Final Work had his window for a right cross. That's crazy that that can happen. And you just take it. Even if you stop it too hard you're at fault. Dude we were in college. Dude, that's crazy. That can happen. And you just take it.

Even if you stop it too hard, you're at fault. Dude, we were in college and me and my friend Jesse saw this guy hitting his girlfriend across the quad. Get the fuck out. And we're together. So it's like when you're together, it's like when you have someone over your shoulder so you have to tip $2 at a coffee shop instead of $1. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you would never tip $2. Right. So we saw this guy hitting his chick and we're like let's do something we gotta stop this yeah and so we went up there like picked up our pace went up there and then it was a chick from the basketball team hitting her girlfriend no and we were like trina how are you and we just like carry on we're not big game last night yeah yeah double double i saw yeah they're really killing it on the boards ah that's crazy. Women's college double-double is 5-5. Sports podcast.

Sports podcast. Do you think that they'll ever just cancel the WNBA? I mean, they'd have to just let it dissipate. It's so nothing. Every year they ask for more. The latest round was the private planes for everybody, like chartered planes. And then people came out and were like, you haven't ever made a profit. Where does the money come from?

They don't. So how are you going to fly everyone in private planes? I've never watched a WNBA game, but I've been in a bar where it's on in the background. I am always surprised by how full the crowd is. I can't imagine the TV ratings very well. I'll move down. I think they moved down. I was in a Bullets game once.

It was during a blizzard. You give them out. And it was like no one showed up. It was like 3,000 people showed up. It game once it was during a blizzard and it was like no one showed up it was like 3,000 people showed up it was crazy it was a blizzard and then they go

at the end of the first quarter they go everyone we invite you to move down and we filled up the blue seats and it was

fucking great but if you just show you don't show this part and I would imagine a lot of that's like

here's fucking 50 tickets to the Girl Scout group and this yeah Simmons had a joke about it when they traded britney grinder for that um for that the merchant of death whatever he goes that's the first wmb trade i've heard of that's how little nobody cares about that sport

i i love when the wmba when somebody goes on like the ir because they're pregnant it's like ir season growing a human. Human life. You ever hear that paint call to the WNBA? No. It was this guy and he was like, when they were asked for more money, he called one of the teams. Let's say the Mercury. Good for you for knowing the Mercury. I know one team. I know the Liberty. Liberty.

Let's do it. How many? Mercury, Sparks. LA Sparks, New York Liberty, Mercury. I think Connecticut Sun. I think Connecticut Sun. The menopause. The fucking dumb bitches. We said Sparks.

It's LA Sparks, right? LA Sparks, Liberty, Mercury, Soul. Soul is what it is. Storm? Is there a storm? I think there might be a storm. That might be hockey. Can you pull these up, Paps?

Yep. Fuck. They're all usually... I think there's the... They don't go plural. The Monarchs or something. They usually do similar to the NBA team, I think. Oh, yeah.

I think there's the Sacramento Monarchs. Instead of the Kings. Houston has a team. They had a four-peat. Don't you? Really? Houston... There's 12 total. There's 12 teams? the Kings. Houston has a team that they had like a four-peat. Really? Houston. There's 12 total. There's 12 teams? There's only 12 teams? That's surprising.

Okay, so we got Liberty, Sparks, you got the list out? Yeah, I got the list out. Okay, Liberty, Sparks, Mercury. Is there a soul? There is no soul. What did you say it was? Connecticut Sun. No, there's Connecticut sun

Connecticut team? Yeah they play Mohegan sun Give me the city and we'll see if we can get it Atlanta You're not going to get this one What is it? Dream Atlanta

No definitely not going to get that Chicago Hold on Oh wait no because I know Dan used to go there I know the colors are It's who Dyladon Dyladon there I know the colors are It's who Deladon Deladon played for It's powder blue and yellow

Yeah But Chicago It's like Denver Nuggets colors Chicago I don't Is that Storm? Yep

Beans with an S Sky? Yep Sky Nice Indiana You guys might be able to get this one Indiana

It was like Pacers Is it Pacers related sort of? No No okay Indiana Hoosiers. They did those Stranger Things uniforms a while back. That's how I know it. Oh.

Indiana Fever. Fever. I've never even heard of that one. That's not a good one. Washington. Washington. It's similar to. Capitals.

No. To their NBA champ. General. Bullets. The female senators. That'd be funny. Mystics. Mystics.

I've heard of that one. Oh, Wizards and Mystics. Dallas Wings. Never have heard of that. Never. All of senators? Mystics. Mystics. I've heard of that one. Oh, Wizards and Mystics. Dallas Wings. Never have heard of that. All of these I've heard of, but I don't remember. I've never heard of it. Las Vegas. Aces.

Yep. That's new. Minnesota you guys had, right? No. Is that smarter than Hawaii? Minnesota, it's similar to their NBA team. The Lynx. The Lynx.

I've heard of that. I mean, that's bad. This is a – The last one is Saddle Storm. This is a sports podcast. Sports podcast. So this guy called a WNBA team, the Sparks, and he goes, hey, I'm sorry this is late notice. I need 10 tickets for tomorrow for my company.

Can you get us 10 tickets all sitting together? I know it's late notice. We need 10 tickets together. Like, absolutely, we can get that for you. He's like, sweet. Just want to know. Oh, shit. What? Oh, I'm so sorry. It's the whole department. I need 50 tickets for tomorrow, all sitting together. I know this is tough. We got you.

And he goes, really? Oh, that's so good. Actually, and he's like, hey, so we're going to get this whole company. Can you get us 200 tickets for tomorrow's game all sitting together? Absolutely, we can do that for you. And that's right when they were like, we need more money.

Whatever. That's so mean. They must have been so jacked up. We had a Christmas bonus this year. Not only are you not selling us tickets, we're going to mock you and your whole organization. I mean, it is tough, though. It's like, yeah, it's just like a charity.

No one gives a fuck. I mean, it's just people don't care. I don't even care about women's fighting. I'm still not sold on that. I don't know. That was pretty cool the other day when that chick jumped on her back like a fucking spider monkey. That was cool. A really good submission like spider monkey that was cool a really good submission

like that that was cool but the punches are like this is just like fake there was a Jake Paul fight recently

where they had two women on the undercard and I forget Serrano yeah yeah she's been boxing for like 30 years that was a great fight

that was a fight of the night Jake Paul is smart he like put her on being like this is one of the most like authentic real boxers for 25 years, and she deserves more props, so she got to fight.

He's training with her in Puerto Rico or something. There's been like two knockouts ever. With the women? Yeah. They just have no power. They should just go. Have you seen the bare knuckle shit? Bare knuckle they should do.

There was some girl I saw the other day afterwards doing her post-fight interview just lumped up. Dude, I would. I mean, you have to be a gypsy to fight bare knuckle. There's two punches in it. You have to be broke, broke, broke, desperate, desperate. There's so many other. I would break the law.

I'd be a hooker. I'd steal drugs. I'd do all that before I bare knuckle box. Did you see, I don't know if it's bare knuckle or not, but phone booth fighting? No. It's Russian. knuckle box did you see um i don't know if it's bare knuckle enough but uh phone booth fighting no it's russian is that two guys in a phone booth and then you're this close to each other and it's like three two one and you just go and you get knocked out but there's no room to fall so you kind of like and then just and then eventually like stop stop stop no what you can get knocked out there's enough like force to it's just a bunch of punches all at once maybe it's

bare knuckle and you can't back up. There's nowhere to go. That's a nightmare. I mean, if you're overpowered, can you tap out? Probably not. It's just punches. There's no submissions that close. I've seen, and maybe it's in a movie,

maybe it's, I don't know where I saw it, but it's like two of your hands get taped together. And she can't get away. So it's just bang, bang, bang. Oh, really? That's fun. That's fun. It's also a great way to dislocate your shoulders and shit. Yeah.

Why are so many comics into MMA, you think? I feel like an abnormal amount. Rogan might be there. Is it because of Joe? It might be. Because whatever Joe does, we do. Why are so many comics in it? You're right. A lot of them are.

And a lot of them aren't really into regular sports. I feel like you and Soder are the only guys I talk to about basketball. Real sports, yeah. Shane's into regular sports. I'm just saying. That was the biggest disappointment when I started comedy. I was like, none of you guys know just basic. Weird.

Who won the NBA title last year? You don't even know. What is that about? You don't even follow it. Is that just like all we do is comedy? It's latent homosexuality. You would figure like you're in clubs.

You're at bars. There's TVs on. Your demo's probably a lot of men. It was odd how few people were into sports. I remember being like, oh, we can't talk about anything. And people were like, oh, I don't know. We just wouldn't even do it. Rogan's like that, to be honest.

He knows two sports. He knows fucking MMA and pool. He knows pool? Yeah, he don't know. Yeah. Well, we just wouldn't even do it. Rogan's like that, to be honest. He knows two sports. He knows fucking MMA and pool. He knows pool? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, he's really good at pool. Yeah. Like, he knows pool. He knows, like, the history of pool.

But, like, he knows anything more than, who is it, the Black Widow? Yeah, no, I think. Yeah. I mean, it's Rogan. If he does something, he does it. That's like you going, like, Randy Couture? Yeah. Like, oh, there's more.

Right, right. Yeah. If you know any professional pool players not named the Black Widow, you are too into pool. Pool is like, or billiards, excuse me. Like, you win the break, you win. It's like they run the table every time. Run the table. It's like whoever gets.

They don't even get a shot. It's like, come on. Somebody was telling me they were into comedy. They were like, a friend of a friend was like hey do you know this guy named Tom Segura

and I'm like yeah they're like do you know he bought a six million dollar home it was like a year and a half ago it is weird like that though

like in the world of comedy and they go my friend told me this he goes I've never heard of this guy I'm like okay he's a friend of mine and he goes

she said she knows comedy and she's never heard of him how does he afford a six million dollar home and i'm like she doesn't know right that's like saying i know hockey i've heard of wayne gretzky but i've never heard of you just don't but you can also know comedy and not like i know i know like football and i guess football's different because like there's so much money but like you're like there's a million linebackers i don't fucking know who has six million dollars but that's so much money. But there's a million linebackers I don't fucking know who have $6 million. But that's not low in the quarterback. He's a perennial all-star.

But it is weird in the world of comedy that like – for the people who know comedy, they're going to know that. Outside of comedy though, it's like I don't know who you are. It's like I make $50 million a year, bro. It's nice. You're only famous to people who know comedy. That's a nice thing. That actually is the closest you can get to, like we were saying earlier, money without the fame. I mean, I guess you can just be like a –

Daft Punk is the key. Yeah. Put the fucking helmet on. Nobody knows you. Marshmallow. Yeah. But you know what's funny? Football is like that because they're all so masked all the time.

Yesterday when the free agency started, there were people getting $60 million contracts. I'm like, I've never heard of that person. That's also what we're getting. You're like, what? You have to look up their first and last name? Yeah. I admittedly watch less football than I used to. No!

No! Oh, my God. No! Oh, my God. No. Bro, you scared me. I didn't know what was happening. Dude, that is the most disrespectful thing that has ever happened.

I left the room. Did you just have it in your pocket? Not in my pocket. It was in my butt. You pulled it out of his ass. Look how bloody it is, dude. Dude, if you put that at me, this will be worse than Burt fucking. Colleen, welcome to the show.

You're never welcome back here if you don't do something with that. Put that away. It's a real problem. Put that back in your ass. Okay. You're not actually going to do it. I'm not. No!

No, no, no, no, no! No. No. No. Get out! Get out, Shafir! Get out! Get out! He went unabomber to protect him.

He's like, I'm keeping... I need like a bio mask. Give me a hazmat suit. I'm restarting. Bro. This is so much worse than eating a bat. This is... Bro.

You are... You have issues, dude. I don't even want this in the garbage. Did that get on my phone? It got near your phone. No, you didn't. But it... I mean, I got it quick.

I gotta go get fucking. You gotta. I gotta get a new phone. I gotta get a new phone. That's worse than

when you drugged Bert. You're never, you're never, my family's gonna hate you now. My kids hate you. You disgusting animal. Listen, I have no

choice. You brought it up early. I'm bound. It was Chekhov's gun. It really was. You knew that man had to come out. I mean, I have no choice. You brought it up early. I'm bound. It was Chekhov's gun. It really was. You knew that man had to come out. I mean, I was just like,

the whole time I'm feeling it, I'm like, when's the right time? Does it go in? It goes in. It clears the surface, so some parts come out, some parts go in. Beacon Theater, March 24th.

Get tickets now at artistyourfear.com. I turned to you like, I didn't see it, and I just saw your eyes go like, no. I didn't know. I thought you were going to punch me or do something. I was like, there's no way that's what I think it is. And then I saw it and I was like, that's exactly what I think it is.

I put it on Luis Gomez's shoulder once. Oh, my. I pulled it out and put it on there. He didn't know. And everyone was like, no. He goes, what? What? And he just couldn't see it.

And then eventually he was like, what the fuck? So you guys got off easy. So how many times have you done this? This is like a party trick. Not that many. Four, five, six, ten. We're an elite company then. I did it on Something's Burning once.

On Brad Christmas' show. Go to the show. Buy tickets to the Beacon. I can't help it. I find funny stuff funny. You're horrendous. Let's go next door and do answer the internet សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.