KFC Radio - Marilyn Monroe Was More Gross than Feitelberg Ft. Paul Virzi

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

- KFC f'ed up by thanking Portnoy - Chicago recap / Bride-to-be who sucked down a tray of tequila - Marilyn Monroe was gross... even grosser than Feits, which is saying a lot - a guy on Twitter promised to get a Jacqed Up tattoo for only 100 likes - AITA - stealing neighbors garden gnome - too many restaurants are still in business - Video Voicemails - recognized by food delivery people - rom coms in real life - update on guy who is definitely still in a relationship - Paul Virzi interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Being too nice to Portnoy 6:42 - Chicago Recap 16:10 - Marilyn Monroe was gross 30:47 - Jackie Tattoo 34:26 - AITA 44:20 - Feits is going to the Pride Parade 52:06 - Video Voicemails 1:14:27 - Paul Virzi Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Shady Rays: 50% OFF 2+ pairs of Adult Non-Prescription Sunglasses at https://barstool.link/ShadyraysKFC FFUPS: Go to https://barstool.link/ffupsKFC and use code KFC15 for 15% off Helix Sleep: Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at Helix Sleep dot com slash KFC.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Like, we're all pretending we don't fuck girls with depression? Yeah, well... I fucked a girl in that state all the time. Like, from the moment I started having sex, I think I've only fucked depressed women. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Your boy is back. After missing the Tuesday episode, I got to watch it as a fan.

I saw that. It's great. It's like one of those things, like, I remember hearing some story about, I think it was Ted Williams. They asked him, like, what do you think of, like, or something on the Dodgers. They're like, what do you think of the Dodger dogs? And he was like, I don't know,

I've been playing every single time I'm at Dodger Stadium. I've never been here as a fan. I've never eaten a hot dog. That's true. I've never gotten a chance. There was a lot about that. I also just didn't listen

or watch podcasts for so long now that I am a fan of it. It's like the first time I've really been off and had the chance to watch it, and it was like, oh, it's a good show. Yeah? It's a good show.

I thought I did not do well. Oh, no, no, no. You're crazy. You're crazy. So no surprise there. There were times I've hosted before where I was like, that actually went okay. That one, I was like, you did not do okay.

No, I thought it was great. But there is also an aspect of that, like you were talking about the Ted Williams thing, at Barstool, where it's just like, I don't listen to their show. I hang out with them all day. i don't not that i hang out with everyone here all day but there are when i get home i don't want to do more barstool stuff no i don't i don't want to consume more bar i yeah and i'm sure there's so many great shows here

that i don't i just don't listen to because i don't know i i want to unplug yeah did you hear what he said nope exclusively did not like probably always never will will ever know what was said um i tried to get get caught up to speed for uh barcelona we just did friday night pints with them um this is i think there's some good people in it i think at first i was kind of like i don't know i'm not interested this year but then in talking to them i was like i think there's a few few people and two people specifically who like actually could could be a person. I agree.

I don't I didn't I have not paid much attention to it because exactly what you're saying. I don't know. When I get home, I don't want to do more Barstool stuff. Right. Right. And I've never really paid that much attention to Barstool. I don't because I don't have a say. So I don't know. Imagine you were just involved in every hiring process. Right. But you don't get a say. You don't know we like what imagine you were just involved in every hiring

process you're like right but you don't get a say you have to watch us go through the hiring process this person and then not decide yeah oh no no no no you don't get to chime in for shit um but in this one we do this time we did have a say today so um i agree with you i think everyone was good um i think i do think everyone had their moments. I can't really think of... We didn't really interact with them before. Barcelona was like the old office. Yeah, you're right. It was kind of like

they were doing things and then they would interact with the judges. I guess I did as a judge. But they didn't interact with the regular other employees. I'm surprised that usually, I think, in these situations people are weirdos. And that's the main thing. It's like, you're nice, you seem like you can make some content, but you're fucking weird.

And this was the opposite of that. I was like, I'd probably talk with all these people. Yeah, I didn't think there was one person who was weird. I think the weird ones got weeded out already. I've seen a couple tweets. The guy who Minahan knows

looked like he lurked. Oh, yeah, and obviously Dave's in love with him because he's weird. Find a fucking weirdo, I'll show you a guy that Dave Portnoy loves. Dave also, by the way, tweeted that everyone who works here sucks now.

You keep hiring weird people, Dave. Nobody's hiring bad people. They've tweeted that 98% of the people who work here are not as good as one of the idol connoisseurs. And it's, I know, I agree. You keep hiring weird people, dude. It's your fault! I made a critical error with Dave. Dave's been saying a lot of nice things about me right oh yeah by the

way uh while i'm talking to dave who will never see this show in a million billion years uh kevin gotta have a congratulations text for the 10-year anniversary john did not i did not receive such a but yeah i got that and then prior to that, you know, one person I would make more content with is me. And then he went on Flagrant 2 with Schultz. He went on Flagrant 2? Yeah. And he said, it was funny. The clip that was sent to me and the quote that I saw some people tweet was, I love KFC.

I would do anything for that guy. I think I would die for him. I think he said. I was like, wow. And then I listened to the full clip, and it was explaining the Francis firing and how different people get treated differently. And then he said like, you know, if you've been here and you're loyal, then I'm loyal to you. And then he

said, even if I don't like people, like, you know, me and KFC don't get along, like, I would still... So, like, the full clip was like, I don't like Kevin, but I would still be nice to him. But he has been saying these nice things. We were texting about some other shit. And so I just said in the middle of our comment, I said, by the way, I heard what you said on Flagrant. I'm like, thanks.

I appreciate it. And he wrote back, I don't even know what I said. I was like, fuck. Fuck. Now I'm like the pussy who sent like a thank you note. And he's like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Fucking A. I should have just stuck to my gut.

I wasn't going to say anything. And I was like, ah, whatever. It's a nice thing. Let me just say something. Moron. What a rookie mistake that was 15 years in. I learned right away with Dave. I said, thank you for the interview.

And like, he did. It was almost like i could speak technology and i could feel that it wasn't just not responded to it was red discarded yeah and i just felt it in my bones i was like yeah never get sentimental with him ever ever he just doesn't do that yeah and i knew that and i'm like i don't know why i would but but you know what i like it's because dave is like like things like thank you notes are kind of stupid, and they're very performative, and he doesn't do that, so... But also, like, performative

only applies there, because I was very thankful for that interview. I guess if you really were, but I think 99% of the time, a lot of people are like, you know, they're doing it because you have to send the follow-up email, and he's just like, fuck that. But that's the thing, and I was genuinely like, thanks, man, thanks for saying that. It's a big show, you know, said it in front of my peers.

And then he was like, I don't even care. Classic. Let's just go back to never talking again. Thanks. Today's episode is brought to you by 3Chi. It's a hot, sticky, uncomfortable summer. You want to be comfortable? Get in the air conditioning.

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Uh, it's stool five at threechi.com so uh we uh nick nick was saying we didn't do much chicago recap um on the last episode so i figured we could i didn't listen to the whole thing so um the i don't think we did any yeah the night at the bar after our show we had our live show in Chicago. Awesome. I think our best crowd yet. They were doing chants and clapping and shit before we went on stage.

The crowd matters so much. And I know sometimes comedians are like, oh, the crowd was bad. And I'm like, fuck you. You were bad. Yeah. But the vibe of taking the stage for people who really want to be there and they were doing like i was like yes let's go so uh i totally understand that there's like one one thing with me was like i think i think on stage it was like you asked me

like what how was chicago whatever and like like why didn't I just be like it's so fucking amazing I was like it's a good city it's okay like why didn't I just I've been thinking about that since then like why didn't I just be like

the best city in the in the fucking world I did think Chicago I love deep dish I love deeps I love it all I was like it's a good

it's a good it's a good place it's a good C plus yeah the uh it is it is it didn't need to be taken down a peg though I will say this about Chicago It's good. It's a good place. It's a good. C plus. It is. It is. It did.

It didn't need to be taken down a peg, though. I will say as much. Of course. Because I went out like every night and I just go to dinner. Nothing crazy or anything like that. But I'd see stoolies everywhere. Yeah. And not every single one of them, but a good amount of stoolies.

Like, so, dude, are you moving to Chicago? And I'm like, every time I think that just because I'm in your city, I'm moving. I wanted to grab that. No, because I think because people you moving to Chicago and I'm like every time I want to think that just because I'm in your city I'm moving I wanted to grab that no because like I think because people are moving to Chicago so it's like you're going to make the move man and I want to like grab their face and be like I have a comedy entertainment podcast in New York City

why would I come to Chicago we were in Chicago for a week we didn't get a single guest we have guests here all the time people come here it's a good city they definitely We were in Chicago for a week. We didn't get a single guest. We have guests here all the time. People come here. It's a good city. It's a good city. They definitely, like, yeah, it needs to be taken down.

It's very good. That's not a bad thing to say about a city. It's a very good city. It's also, like, not their fault because I feel like other people do talk about it in that way. But it's just, like, it's just not that. I will say, you guys talk about how everyone says summertime shy. I've never heard that until you guys really ramped it up. I've never... You've never heard people say that Chicago in the summer is the best city in the world?

I don't hear them jerking it off like that. I think that you guys hear it from Dante, who isn't from Boston. No, it's not Dante. I've always heard that. You don't need to leave Chicago in the summer. People come to Chicago in the summer. Now that it's not Dante. We've talked about Eddie and Chief. I've always heard that. You don't need to leave Chicago in the summer. People come to Chicago in the summer.

Now that it's been, you guys have said it, I've noticed it more, but I also like it. I mean, it's a Kanye West look. Oh, is it? That's where Summertime Shot is from. The Summertime Shot. Welcome to the good life. Yeah, to me, any city is not the spot to be in the summer. You know what I mean?

The lake's there, fine, but you need to be on the beach somewhere. You need to be on a little island somewhere. I will say that when I went to the lake a lot, it's ocean-like. Well, there's no waves, but you are like, oh, all I see is water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's something as a little kid I didn't understand. Like, oh, a lake can be the size of a fucking ocean. It's fucking huge.

So we go out after the show and uh it was like the perfect type of go out for me like it was me it was me you ravi patel oh god it's another home run jesus fucking christ on the cross thank god carasco's getting knocked around um so we go out after the show and it's me you and r Ravi Patel who's been on the show before he came to our live show with a couple of his friends so it was like older guys

we went out we had a couple cocktails we had a bunch of laughs but it wasn't like a party scene although we did go to this like rooftop

like club scene at first and these two girls come over and they say I'm a fan of Barstool. Like you guys are the Barstool guys. I recognize you.

We're here for a bachelorette. Could you just like go over and buy the bride a drink and hit on her? I was like, that's a lot. That's a big ask. You want to like take a picture, bring her over. Fine. You want me to like get up, go to where you are, are hit on her buy her a drink and talk to her while i'm here with my friends like no we're good and i was like yeah i don't know about that and

then and then i think you said like does she even know who we are and she was like no no we do oh that'll be even better like be really creepy with her it's like yeah let me a male in 2022 go up to a girl and intentionally be creepy to her and hit on her has no idea who i am well i'm gonna get a rape whistle blown in my face are you kidding me so eventually we just settle on the good old let's all just do a round of shots so we'll get shots for the bachelorettes fine and uh like i said so it's it's me and john but then it's three other guys who are married or have been married or have kids and so the bride comes over and she says, like, do you guys have any advice for me?

And all of us are thinking, don't do it. But, you know, the cliche, like, don't do it. But we're like, and one of the guys is like, well, how old are you? She says, 23. And the whole table goes, oh! Like, not one of us had the couth to be like, oh, good for you. Wow, found love early, didn't we? Yeah, yeah.

We were just like, yikes! Didn't have to spend a lifetime searching. Good for you. I was like, my piece of advice, have a seven-year engagement. She was like, well, we're getting married in September. I was like, cool, great. Let's rush into this thing as fast as humanly possible. And then she goes, well, I'm from Canada.

I was like, I don't know what that means, but okay, I guess you guys get married early. Sure. She said it like, well, I'm in the military. You know what I mean? Everybody knows Canadians get married early. I was like, well. I went to a southern state school.

I was a, what do they call them? Ring by spring. An MRS degree. MRS, yeah. Yeah, it's like, okay, you're from Canada. But we all audibly groaned in her face, and she just kind of kept it moving. But I have to imagine she might have been like, what was that? But it's funny because literally everybody says this, and then everybody gets married anyway.

It doesn't affect you. People can be like, do not do this and you're like and you do it anyway and then you're that person you know five ten years from now you're the person the bar is saying don't do it uh but then as so we're doing the shots and john goes to the bar to get the tequila and it's a tray of what 10 or or 12 shots? Yeah, yeah, exactly that number. And as he's walking over with the tray, a waiter bumps into him. It was a smooth I was picking up from the bar

and I turned right, I turned my back towards the door and the waiter just slammed into my arm. So it's just like right away, you didn't even get like a step away. I did not get a full step. I turned, boom, it's knocked back. And so it's a full puddle of tequila on this tray. It's more like a plate.

Like it has a little dip so it could hold the tequila. So John gets another round of shots, but it's on that same tray. And brings it back over, like walking it over with just tequila sloshing everywhere. I was very delicate. You were. You were. We all rep the shots. And then me and Ruvie and people were like,

John's going to drink this, isn't he? John's going to drink this plate of tequila. To be credit to me, I had not considered it until everyone said John. Until this fucking animal over here is going to do it. So we bully John into drinking a plate of tequila. And he starts to chug it. And it's one of those things. We had an Ultimate Frisbee team in college at Fordham.

And they used to, their initiation for new kids was you had to drink beer out of a Frisbee. Hands behind your back. You had to drink it like a dog. And whoever, I don't know, who won the race or whatever. And you can fit four full beers in a Frisbee. I think it's three. Well, either way, it's a fuck ton of liquid. And so I'm like –

I believe it's three. Just guessing. And so like it's a – a full like layer of tequila is – on a plate is more than you even realize. Yeah. So John starts to chug it. More than I realize. And drank a lot. And I'll give you – it was not all of it, but like way more than I expected.

I was like, whoa. And John's like, I'm done. I'm done. The bride grabs a straw, puts it in the puddle, and just like a superhero, like a superpower, all into her body. And then like no lime, no chaser, just. And again, we were all like. And goes well i'm from canada i don't know what this means you're just this young marrying booze band but good for you a young drunken like that's that's what we do that's canada i mean i'm from moose

jaw what do you think we do you get married young and we slurp booze. Also looked me dead in the eyes and goes, I like to wear heels to emasculate men. What? She was like six feet. Yeah, I noticed she was tall. Yeah, I think I had no heels on there. And she was like, yeah, I like to wear heels to emasculate guys around. I'm like, oh, goodness gracious. I was like, how tall is your boyfriend?

She was like six two. I was like, that's, you know, you're taller than him. You're emasculating him. too it was like that's you know that's like yeah you're taller than him you're you're imagining him uh the the uh me acting like an animal kind of reminded me of a tweet that went a little viral last night well that tweet went viral uh we we were commenting on it um oh marilyn monroe marilyn monroe bro what do you think you how lucky are you that you get to do a show with Marilyn Monroe? I mean, what's funny is I read that and then saw your tweet, but I had the thought before I saw your tweet. Honestly, it happens occasionally.

You're watching a movie like, oh, I feel like I'm kind of like this character. And I got like three sentences. I did that description. I was like, oh, I'm just like Marilyn Monroe. So where is it? Okay. So somebody, this guy tweeted, damn, Marilyn Monroe stunk. And this is an excerpt from.

Now, I don't do that part. You don't stink. I don't stink. You should stink. I should stink. I don't know what it is. You don't produce any of the sweat stuff or whatever. David Brett writes about Marilyn Monroe's non-hygienic personal habits this is from clark gable tormented star

because i think there's a movie coming out about her or something yeah yeah a netflix movie according to brett i guess it's just the writer according to brett she was flatulent dirty and ate in bed like gene harlow she bleached all her pubic hair and never wore panties. I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't know that ever happened. That's early for that. Bleaching pubes? Yeah. Does that happen now? I don't know. I'm sure.

People are bleaching their asshole. Well, that's a very different thing. I think it's very similar. You're just making your asshole look clean. A bleached pubes, you're just making them blonde. Yeah, I bet you that's happening. I would think it's because back in her day, you're just making them blonde. Yeah, I bet you that's happening. I would think it's because back in her day, shaving pubes didn't really exist yet, and that was like it made them more skin-like.

Yeah, like it blended in. But why did you just fucking shave them? Well, she's dirty. Shaving faces existed. Why wouldn't you think? She's a filthy fucking rotten whore. Shout out Marilyn. Allegedly, Monroe would frequently go about her house in soiled clothes and add huge piles of dirty dishes in her bedroom oh i know exactly how

depressed i am based on how much of my of my cutlery in china yes bedroom in the same oh in the bathroom i see the sink get filled up and i I'm like, man, I should really take care of this. This is a bad look. Once every two weeks, I bring out about 15 cups. I do water cups every night, so sometimes I come out with a million cups. But if you have dishware, if you have plates, forks, knives. Trash. I have trash.

Delivery bags. What trash do you have? Like wrappers. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's fair. This morning, I woke up with an empty bag of chips in bed. Dude, because I haven't been eating a lot. I don't know why.

It's the depression. But I'm back to sleep eating. Oh. Because your body's like, I need food. I need nourishment. Are you like, you're not dieting or anything, are you? No. No, no, no.

I just had a sub in front of me. Allegedly, her personal hygiene was allegedly so bad that it drove several of her maids to quit working for her. Imagine being like, I can't even be in the house with this chick. And you know she's probably paying good. She's a movie star, you know? In addition, she suffered from what today would be described as irritable bowel syndrome, which may explain the flatulence. She rarely bathed,

slept in the nude, and ate a lot in bed, shoving what was left of her plate under the sheets before going to bed. Can I get an amen, John Henry? That's chaotic behavior. Bro. Now, I'll do that accidentally. I'll fall asleep. Okay, well, I did do it the other night with a lava cake.

You are one step away from doing this. I have a grease stain on my bed. I've not redone the mattress, the sheets. I have a huge grease stain on my bed because I just fell asleep. I put my lava cake next to me. Yo, lava cakes from Domino's? Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They seep through the box, so your sheets just get eaten alive. I need a new mattress. It's like acid. Yeah. It's like you can look up and see your neighbor burn a hole in the fucking floor um baseball legend and second husband joe dimaggio complained that marilyn stunk to high heavens because she would avoid bathing for days on end do you know i don't know what the takeaway here is other like is it is it like obviously you're disgusting yeah but it's also more like but damn

bitch you had it like that because like dimaggio and jfk and all these guys are still fucking yeah right so like you were a dirty bird and guys were still like i gotta get some of that maryland but like it's also very clear what's happening like she just has clinically depressed she has she has depression and we lived in a world where that wasn't an option yet what we're all option yet. And we're all pretending we don't fuck girls with depression. Yeah. I fucked a girl in that state all the time. The moment I started having sex, I think I've only fucked depressed women. Here's what I'm saying.

I'm dead. Marilyn's back real quick. It's not always like that. You just run through weeks of it sometimes what you just go through bad stretches dude okay and yeah it happens to me it happens to anyone who chooses to sleep with me you just have really rough patches the fact that you said the quote since I started having sex it's been exclusively with depressed women and that was not like a punch line or a joke that was just a fucking

a statement ass statement oh I haven't fucked a happy person ever you kidding me you fucked me you're not happy this is not a joke I cannot think of a single time i slept with someone who was happy i'd like to be clear they were all willing yes but they were consensually depressed but like consensually depressed girls who who but like i i don't know i listen i don't give a fuck if you're depressed i'll bang you i'll bang you right out the window i'll get you a little

bit of oxytocin but i don't care i don't i do not care you're depressed. I'll bang you right out the window. Yeah, I'll get you a little bit of oxytocin. But I don't care. I do not care for the stinkiness. The stinkiness. If I'm just stirring a pot of mashed potatoes in my dick and it just stinks, like, no, no, no, no. Dude, oh, my God. I forgot about this today. Dude, I, yes, obviously, 100% right.

I will say this for all my depressed lovers. None of them really stunk. Yeah. The stinky ones. I mean, I'm sure. Days on end. Sometimes you've had some stink. You've run across it a couple times here and there.

Yeah. And I'm sure I've brought it to the table before, too. It's just different for guys to be stinky. We're supposed to be. Yeah, I was out working in the yard. The thing is, if they're talking about how dirty she is, like regular hygiene, that pussy was rancid.

And if you are just mashing up a rancid pussy, it's just got to be like... You know, it's like if your armpits stink. Dude, just bang on some rotten meat. The hole, the fuck hole in your body. You know, if just your regular body stinks, the fuck hole has got to be putrid. But I was seeing when I was walking away. It's just an asshole.

Her pussy, she just had two assholes. Shut up. I was walking to work today and I saw some chick in almost like a pink-ish, almost a skin tone type Lululemon. And she was a darker woman, so I could clearly tell. She didn't have skin like me where you'd be like, is she even wearing pants? No, I knew she was wearing pants.

But only right here. She clearly come from Barry's Boot Camp or something like that. Just sweating? Soaking wet, dude. To the fact that it was so wet that if it had gone down her legs, I'd have been like, she definitely pissed herself. But it didn't. It was just like in a diaper area.

It was crazy. Maybe she's just wet. It was. I mean, we've said that. Maybe she just turned on at Barry's Boot Camp, you know? No, because it was too much wetness to be wet. It was way too much wetness to be wet. But it's what I think my underwear probably looks like all the time.

You get the wet gooch, and it runs up, and that's – we were talking about that on the bracket too where it's like – Nick brought up the good point. We were talking about why aging is bad, and Nick brought up the point. He said, once you hit 30, your gooch just stays wet. He's like, I get out of the shower, I dry it, put it on boxes,

they're wet. Sweating. Get wet, stay wet, man. It just doesn't stop. Wet gooch until you die. You just fucking get a wet gooch.

Dude, I'll sit down for too long. I'll get up. I got a sweaty ass. What happened? I've been sitting down and I haven't done anything. How am I sweating?

That's like why underwear exists, man. Some guy used to be like, my happened? I've been sitting down. I haven't been doing anything. How am I sweating? Yeah, that's like why underwear exists, man. Some guy used to be like, my ass is just sweating. But the last thing on Maryland, really, is it's a thing. I didn't even think to bring them up together, but they do make sense together. I famously, for a long time, did not wash my face. Right. Never touched it until we did a podcast with Whitney Cummings where she shamed me to the point where I said, you know what?

I'll take the plunge. If someone sends me a routine of sorts, I will start it. I forget the listener's name, but we did have a listener who was a dermatologist or an anesthetician or something like that. Whatever. One of those things. And she sent me two links. Two things. A moisturizer and something else. I was like, fine. I'm going to start doing that. Gentlemen,

when I tell you I'm deep in the game, and I'm too deep in the game. Yes. I'm too deep in the game. You got masks and lotions and serums and shit. Kevin, I wrote down my morning routine this morning. Let's go. You know I love this shit, man. This is why I'm watching these fucking videos all the time.

Yeah. Yeah. So I start with a protein serum booster. Okay. Then the moisturizer comes. Naturally. Just trapping the serum. Then we do an eye cream that you just kind of pat under the eyes.

Of course. Right? Yep. We move on to the vitamin C brightening booster. Naturally. Naturally. Okay. Then we have a glycolic acid line smoother. Now you only use that infrequently, no? You use that every day? No, that's at night.

Okay. Okay. And then the infrequently one is the multi-acid resurfacing. Yes. You can't do it with too much acid. There's too much damage. So I went in, let's call it six months. I went from, and then I just, I'll start adding now. I've had to pump the brakes because Biz kind of called me out on it. I had like a bronzing moisturizer.

I mean, I say I'll pump the brakes. That's not going forever because, I mean, people tell me I'm glowing. You took a day off. Someone says you're glowing. I'm like, all right, I'm going to keep fucking glowing, dude. I know. And I know Pat's getting there with that golden Jurgens or whatever it's called. you're glowing like all right we'll keep fucking glowing dude i mean i know and i know that uh that golden jergens or whatever it's called yeah um so i went from not even putting soap oh yeah

by the way i have two cleansers in the shower you just have like six like bottles on your like in your bathroom yeah i have in the shower i have a scrub and a different uh face wash sure so i did two a scrub then a face wash then a a protein booster, moisturizer, eye cream, vitamin C brightening booster, glycolic acid line smoother, and then – And Barstool Wood. That's what the scrub is. The face scrub, yeah. That's what the scrub is, yeah. It is a good scrub.

It is a true scrub. That actually is. Because it feels like it's just like pebbles that are just rubbing your face, like just tearing that top skin off. I love it. And then maybe a little bronzing. So – oh, wait. I forgot to count. So one, two. I went from I don't touch my face with soap to one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

An eight skincare routine every morning. I mean, look at him. He was glowing. He was told he was glowing. I've been told by numerous people. You're glowing. It's better than the grease. You used to probably have a layer of...

It does feel greasier, though. Yeah, well, it's softer. There's a difference when you know it's like a lotion or a cream versus like you're just like your skin. You know what I mean? Like if I don't wash my face, it feels different. And I'm like, I really don't like that. Same thing.

I have to wash behind my ears. If I don't wash behind my ears, it feels like weird back there. And I'm like, that's gross. A little filmy, a little Marilyn-y? Yeah, I guess so. It's probably not, but in my head it is. You want to know what Marilyn's pussy feels like? Rub behind Kevin's ears.

If I don't have it also happens on my hands. What's very funny, since I'm notoriously, I don't wash my hands after I pee, but I actually am a hand washer almost all the other times. When I get home from work, I wash my hands immediately and I can

feel on my hands the day on my hands. Also sometimes if I have black jeans on or something like that, it almost like the denim kind of runs on my hands a little bit and I just feel like I piss, no big deal. But everything else, I'm touching it or whatever, so I wash my hands a lot

and I can feel the difference in my skin, or at least I think I do. So I'm super OCD about this shit. I'm all down with all that stuff. There's a reason why guys are ugly. We've said this before. Girls are the fairer sex, not by chance, because they fucking work at it. They do all the creams and lotions, and they stay out of the sun, or they put the sunblock on, or whatever.

Guys are just like, whatever. We're fucking ugly. ugly just suck our dicks we'll give you money it's like i'll fuck you even if you have food in the bed i don't give a shit yeah only one of us will fuck you if you have food exactly right dude the thought of i bring a lady home i got a couple lava cakes under my pillow the thought of marilyn Marilyn Monroe going full Costanza, like reaching in, grabbing a sandwich and just eating while she's fucking.

What would you do if you went home with a guy and there was food in his bed? No. What would you do if you brought a guy home and there was food in your bed and you were like,

fuck, I forgot to get rid of the food in my bed? How about you come into the microphone? Yeah come on to the podcast we're talking like marilyn monroe like used to leave food and dishes in her bed i'm not disgusting like some people you weren't even in here when we were talking about it well it's pretty known you've talked all the time yeah yeah I forgot about that what if you you know you had a little

as John calls it you hit a bad patch you're eating in bed you forget that there's like a dish and a knife and a fork in your bed

no no Marilyn Monroe did but you were not above heaven you just don't eat dish food but if you if you were to eat dish food oh I've had okay sure

I've had bowls of cereal and bowls of ice cream and stuff yeah and you left them in your bed yeah I mean I didn't bowls of cereal and bowls of ice cream and stuff, yeah. And you left them in your bed. Yeah. I mean, I didn't tuck them in. She tucks them in.

I didn't tuck them in. She was just like, I got to get rid of this. I'd rather get on my sheets. What would you do if you went home and you're like, oh, fuck. Like, we're going to the bedroom right now and there's a, what? I would just be like, this is my roommate's room. I thought about this before. Just go fuck in the other bed. That's smart.

He'd be like, why did you take me into your roommate? I don't know. in the other bed. That's smart. He'd be like, why did you take me into your roommate? I don't know. I'm disoriented. I'd be like, I'm drunk. Sorry,

the roofies you gave me. I'm drunk, but I still consent. This is my roommate's room. Wait, one more thing. Marilyn Monroe. One more thing

before you leave. This morning, there was a tweet that you have to get a... No, no, no. Someone said that you have to get a... No, no, no. Someone's going to get a jacked up tattoo. Homeboy said 100 likes and I'll get a jacked up tattoo. It was wild.

We will get that done in literally three seconds. And we did. And we did. And you're upset about it? Because I'm not worth a tattoo. That's going to make me feel guilty. You are the girl who came in here to talk about raising the morale, and now you don't think you're worthy of a fucking tan and getting a tattoo.

No, no, no. You have how far you have fallen. Take that jar and put all your fucking foot money in there. I just think that like— You're a star, baby. I'm a famous bitch. Am I famous? Like, I am famous.

But just wait for me. Oh, wait for you to pop. No, no, no, no, no. Just wait for me to make sure. What if I get canceled? I mean, not that I'm important enough to get canceled. But you don't know. What if I have racist?

I don't. Jackie's going to talk herself into it. What happened on that podcast you were on the other day that you're worried about this? Jackie's like, I'm 99% sure I don't have any racist. No, no, no. But on the other day that you're worried about this? Jackie's like, I'm 99% sure I don't have any racist things. No, no, no. But I'm just saying like, you don't know that.

I don't. I'm clearing this up right now. Listen, shut up. He's getting the tattoo. Give him, say, say, wait, I want to,

I want to. Can you at least be. What if he gets the tattoo of your Jesus Christ face where it says Jesus Christ underneath you? That would be awesome. I'll do, like, he could do, like, J.

J-U. No. No. Johnny Hayes off. Say, Johnny Hayes off, get the jacked up. Johnny Hayes off, think about this before you do it. No, he's definitely, I think he should get your face. But I guess, you know, the tweet said the jacked up logo.

He could do that. I think you should get Jackie's face, the Jesus Christ face from the other day, and write Jesus Christ underneath it. Jackie as? As Jesus Christ. Oh, the Jesus Christ. When you were like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, I mean. Or, oh, he should get the toothbrushing picture. Oh, that one. Tits out. Yeah, the thirst trap picture. That would be a good one. Now she's on board. Now she's down. Yeah, the thirst trap picture. That would be a good one. Now she's on board. No, I'm kidding.

Don't do it. No, you may as well. It's legally binding. Yeah, we both were. You have no choice. You have no say in the matter. That would be really cool, though, I will say. Yeah.

So then why are you trying to talk him off of it? But, like, I don't know. Just, like, that's, I'm not, I'm not. Yes, you are. I am, okay. Look in the mirror, I'm not, I'm not. Yes, you are. Look in the mirror every morning and say, I'm worthy of a stupid tattoo. I want to know what he, what his plan is for the tattoo, where it is. First of all, let's, you know. Well, you tell him, I'm sure he'll listen.

Where do you want it to be? Face tattoo. How about like back shoulder? Yeah. I was thinking this was probably going to be an upper leg tat. Nothing that's going to sag too much in the future. Don't get this tattoo on your balls, dude. That's where I've opted to get all my tattoos,

are places that aren't going to get fat. No, not hide, but they're not going to get fat. I know the rest of me is gonna get fat like my forearms yeah yeah you get like a belly tat your abs tat is gonna turn into a belly my tits are gonna get fat like i'm gonna get fat basically everywhere but my forearms right it's gonna be inked up right here that's it yeah so i mean that guy like i don't care what she says like he has to get the face down so yeah he's getting the tattoo he is getting guy, I don't care what she says. He has to get the face tattooed. But I'm flattered. He's getting the tattoo.

He is getting the tattoo. It doesn't get on his face, I don't think, but he's getting the jacked up tat. Okay. Am I the asshole for hiding my neighbor's garden gnome because it was scaring my son? My neighbor, Cindy, 34, has a large front garden. She grows flowers and some produce. Sometimes she comes over with extras, which is nice. She has a little gnome village in her garden. You know those tacky garden gnomes you see in the lawn in the garden store that you can paint and whatnot?

Well, recently Cindy got a new gnome. For whatever reason, my five-year-old son has developed a fear of this particular gnome. I'm not sure why, and yes, I've asked him why. I'm sure he just saw something scary on YouTube or whatever. The gnome is just a normal gnome with like a gardening hoe and a basket of flowers. I decided to talk to Cindy, explain the problem, and asked if she would move the gnome back to the back garden or behind the bushes on her patio. She refused. A few days ago, my son was outside playing ball. His ball rolls into Cindy's yard. He refused to go get it, crying and begging for me to go get the ball.

I got the ball and moved the gnome behind some flower bushes. My plan was to move it back once my son stopped playing. Cindy came out to water the garden, noticed the gnome was gone, and demanded to know where it was. She even threatened to call the police on me over a gnome. I told my wife what happened, and while she thinks Cindy overreacted, she also thinks I shouldn't have taken the gnome. She says our son will get over his fear in time,

or he'll just have to play in the back. I think our son has a right to play in his own front yard without being scared of a gnome. So she just hit a gnome. Yeah. That was a lot to say, she hit a gnome. Hit a gnome. She hit a gnome.

Now, this gnome has no sentimental value. I'll be honest, I heard gnome three times, and my brain shut off. It was crazy. It's the neighbor's gnome um now this gnome has no sentimental i'll be honest i heard gnome three times in my brain shut off this like it was it was crazy it's the neighbor's gnome yeah but there's nothing there's no like this is my my grandfather my grandfather before him it could be for all we know the neighbor might like love the gnome for some reason uh this is a moment straight out of old school where you need to sit your son down and tell him you recommend yeah that he stopped being such a little scaredy cat of gnomes okay like brother get over it man i think i think i think i guess i mean yeah i mean i guess i've never also what's weird is that the kid is afraid of this gnome so just be like look that gnome doesn't scare you that gnome does they're the fucking same shut up yeah yeah but how old is the kid five ah five's pretty young that's pretty young i mean

but here's the thing like i'm thinking about keegan if this happened with keegan i would like very much greatly focus on parenting him to explain that there's nothing to be afraid of um i would not be touching other people's shit though i would not touch another neighbor's stuff because my kid's afraid uh i touched another neighbor's stuff because my kid's afraid. I touched another neighbor's stuff just because I had a buzz on. What, like you never fucked with your neighbor's shit because you were drunk? Well, that's different. That's for my enjoyment.

That's not for my pussy-ass son. That's just for me to get a laugh at. We used to fuck with people and just switch their front yard decorations with their neighbors and just like start yeah yeah dude we still time we used to we one time we went to a guy we don't like we had all of our empty beer cans from the night we just strewn them all about as long oh my god it was the most it was the most without a doubt the most dirtbag thing i've ever done like as we were doing this i was like this is despicable but the kid really sucked this is college this was like, this is despicable. But the kid really sucked. This is college? This was like 10th grade.

Oh, so his dad was picking him up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were trying to frame him? No, no. We were just like, we're just destroying your property. Not even destroying it. It was just like we put like, I kind of was like a pussy about it. I was like, here's the sidewalk.

I was like putting things like right here. My buddy ran up on the front step and was putting bottles and 40s and cans. And we had a good crew, and we would do, like, some drinking at night. So it was, like, dozens of bottles. It was probably, like, 60 bottles. Cans, all sorts of shit. And, like, I think, like, they opened the door as we were, like, skirting away. But, yeah, it was, like, his mom and dad were probably like,

the fuck? But we were like, you suck. But that was egging houses and putting the cans all over was the most dirtbag thing I've ever done. We never egged, but we did find out that Dunkin' Donuts throws away all their donuts at 10 p.m. every night. We would go to the dumpster, get all the donuts, and just donut people's houses. Donutting people's houses.

It was awesome. It ended when one of our buddies climbed on top of our friend's dad's Lexus and emptied a whole thing of powdered sugar just everywhere. Hey, I want to be clear. I was making a joke. I've never done any of this shit, you monsters. You never vandalized anything? I don't think so, no. What a fucking F word you are too

no I really don't think I've ever like no I really I don't think I've ever vandalized anything like I've definitely never like done

never threw rocks at cars? no I threw rocks through abandoned buildings before doesn't count like abandoned mills I don't think that counts as vandalizing but I'm sure I've done that

it's fun it's so great it's a huge fucking target nobody really cares I don't give a shit I was making a joke I don't think I've ever vandalized anything I was just entrapping YouTube I think if I said to you my son's a little scared of you a joke. I don't think I've ever vandalized anything. I was just entrapping you two. All of your things.

I think if I said to you, hey, my son's a little scared of you, I'd take this all back. If I said to someone, I would go over there and say, hey, do you think we can move that gnome? Fully expecting, they would be like, of course. And when they said no, I would walk out there with a nine iron, and I would

pshh, pshh, pshh. I would shatter every single face it the other way or put it in some i don't know i would destroy all those thumbs i wouldn't yeah he'll get over it in a week but every time i walk into the house my son's crying now right just fucking me i if if nothing was said and i just touched it i think that'd be a little weird i would ask first expecting you to move it and if you didn't i would i would probably ruin like your life yeah i would ruin your oh i would ruin your life i would ruin would ruin your life. I probably wouldn't even touch the gnomes. I would go way higher than that.

I would probably put garbage all over your lawn. Seems to be my MO. But no, I would probably burn down your house. You'd probably be like, oh, yeah, you fell asleep smoking that cigarette, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weird about citizens in your body. Yeah, how about that? You're dead now.

I have an M.I I the asshole for myself. And I'm trying to think how to properly phrase this. Am I the asshole for wishing more restaurants closed during the pandemic? Short answer, yes. Hang on.

But I can be persuaded. Let me explain. Let me explain. This is how an am I the asshole works. Yeah. It's a very declarative statement that, yes, makes you seem crazy. But there is, I think what's happened with the fucking, let me explain this is how that's how it works it's a very declarative statement that yes makes you seem crazy

but there is I think what's happened with the fuck I think I think we fucking we treated them like little silver spoon kids

everybody became the bell of the ball and everyone now thinks they're the best in the business now we survived the pandemic and not even that

but now they fucking they don't do anything anymore like restaurants do you think that I didn't notice that you stopped giving napkins napkins survived the pandemic. And not even that, but now they fucking, they don't do anything anymore. Like, like, restaurants, do you think that I didn't notice that you stopped giving napkins?

Napkins? Forks, knives? Yep. I noticed. You stopped giving all those. You don't give me any of the sauces or any of that shit anymore.

Yep. And the one, the kicker with that, because now I wipe my fucking face with bags at night. I know, that's despicable. Like an animal.

Yep. But the biggest kicker was the other night I was out getting drinks and the owner of the bar came out. I was getting snacks too and shit like that. And the owner of the bar came out and he's just like, I just wanted to apologize to you.

I know it's taking a while. I had not noticed it was taking a while. For the food to come out. Yeah. I didn't mention it to anybody. I hadn't even thought. I was watching the game. I was watching the fucking Lightning Abs game. Had a beer. I was content. And he's like, I just want even thought. I was watching the game. I was watching the fucking Lightning Abs game. Had a beer. I was content. And he's like, I just want to apologize. And I was like, oh, don't even worry about it.

You're totally fine. He's like, I just can't get people to come back to work these days. Oh, shut the fuck up. And here's the deal, motherfucker. That pissed me off to such an extent that I looked it up. I looked up what unemployment is right now. 3.6%. Yo, when John gets so upset, he looks things up. Unemploy is right now 3.6 percent yo john when john gets so

upset he looks things up dude unemployment right now upset you have poked the beast is 3.6 percent unemployment in january 2020 was 3.5 percent yeah so everyone who was working is working again yeah if you can't get people to work at your fucking place it means you're not offering a salary yeah you're not offering benefits yeah you're not. Everyone's got a fucking job now. Everyone who had a job has a job. So if you can't get help, look in the fucking mirror. Maybe you should have gone out of business then. Maybe that's it.

Maybe you're a fucking asshole boss and a shitty owner. Shut it down! Shut it down! We'll remain unnamed, but maybe you should have gone out of business during the pandemic because clearly you're not doing business right. While we're venting about restaurants...

You like that one, Zach? Because you were pretty hard yes when I opened that up. In a different vein, I hate pushy waiters. This happened when we were out in Chicago. And Jackie wanted to order a certain thing and he was like, nah, don't do that. And then he pushed her in a certain direction.

And I was like, get what you want, motherfucker. And he was like, no, no, no. I'm just looking out for her. I was like, why? What the fuck does that mean? You can recommend something. But then when someone says, here's what I want. You come in.

Here's the specials of the day. And might I recommend blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When I say what I want, write it down. Or don't write it down. Keep it in your memory because you think that's fancy. And go fucking get it. Don't fucking tell me, oh, no, that has too much bread because, you know, the other things you ordered have bread. I love fucking bread.

I want all the bread. The other things we ordered didn't have bread either. Right. It was just bread. Yeah. So every time someone eats at that restaurant, they say don't get the cheeseburger. Right. Because bread on the bun.

We already brought bread on the table. Shut up. Just give me what I want. That's crazy. I will say I have told somebody, don't get something, but it's because it's bad. I worked in the kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's different. Do not get the salmon here. But he was talking about it from a point of view of like, well, you're already having this, and so I think you'll

like that. It's like, why don't you shut up, little waiter man, and just do my bidding. Run back and forth, please. Fuck you. Alright, voicemails. What do we got? Before we get to Shut up, little waiter man, and just do my bidding. Run back and forth, please. Fuck you. All right. Voicemails. What do we got? Before we get to these things, Pride Parade this Sunday.

In it, how gay do I go? All the way. I think you should just be yourself. See, I was talking to Pat about it yesterday a little bit, and Pat was like, just wear a T-shirt. I was like, no, dude. I'm not going to wear a t-shirt. I'm going to gay it up. I'm going to fucking gay it up.

Yeah. But I don't want to get like, like you, I feel like you don't have, you don't have a middle of the road. You either look like a dad going to the mall, or you look like a mess shirt. I don't think this is like dad, first of all. No, but it's very standard,

or you're wearing a mess shirt, and like paint your fingernails I don't always do that I do occasionally no when I go out I don't obviously wear what I go out in here

yeah that's what we're saying there's no you're not what they call them like day walkers you're not a day walker right

I don't think it's gay people who are day walkers I know you mean no that was they apply to the gays too oh for sure they use them with fucking gingers ohers oh yeah yeah oh i thought there was a legit thing about gays too i think it's just like i think i might be considered a daywalker

in the ginger community right i have red hair but i'm like yeah but you're accepted in community in the yeah i have red hair but like not the gross kind um i don't know how gay do you want to go john that's the question so it seems like you want to gay it up i like i don't know how gay do you want to go, John? That's the question. It seems like you want to gay it up. I don't know. I think you should be in a leather fucking executioner mask. I was going to say, do you want a harness? No, no, no. I was going to say stopping short of the mesh shirt.

So you won't wear the mesh shirt? I won't not wear a mesh shirt. You wear a crop top. I think I'm wearing a mesh shirt. Crop tops also for straight guys are in right now. I don't have a belly for that. I have a belly, therefore I don't have a belly for that. You're fine.

I think you could wear it. 100%. We're vlogging this, correct? Yes. I was going to say also. So get the harness. I went over for one of the parties I went to. There's a shop about a block west of here that we could go to if we want to do vlog content for that.

That would be pretty funny. Yeah, I'll do that Friday. Okay, yeah. I think that you should wear that thing around your mouth that has a dildo coming out of it. The whole time, ooh, ooh, buy money!

Someone had it. One of the accounts I followed recently had like, it was basically like a guy dressed up like a horse and had like a chick on his back. And she was just riding him. Just on the beach.

This is one of the accounts you follow? Yeah, yeah. Well, I was expecting at least his back and she was just riding him yeah it's on the beach yeah yeah well I was I was I was expecting at least a like a butt plug with the tail for you I mean that's for the course and and it was like but like to me like she's low and they're like I got kid I could have Zack on, Zach on the back? Yeah, Zach on the back? Zach on the back? Zach on the back? Every time

there is a gay joke made, I noticed this in the clip the other day, Pavs never laughs at anything as much as when you motherfuckers make a joke and he dies laughing.

Every time. You can hear it in the background of every fucking joke. Zach on the back, Zach back is very funny. Funny? Yes. Yes. Funny it in the background. Zach in the back. Zach back is very funny. Funny? Yes.

Funny joke, but still. I think you do. Scantily clad is mostly what I think when I try to. I think you should do a mesh shirt. I like a mesh shirt. I might be able to do a juice cleanse for the next few days. Mesh shirt with really short shorts. I was going to say, do like a short. I don't have the legs for that, dude. No. Talk about the belly first. I don belly wrap. With really short shorts. I was going to say, do like short...

Oh, I don't have the legs for that, dude. No. Talk about the belly first. I don't have the legs for short shorts. Really? Short jean shorts?

Why not? That's a look. I don't know. You wear shorts now. Oh, I meant like short shorts. But I mean, all right, so the difference of like here to here

is going to bother you that much? I was going to say, yeah, it's not. Go get a bunch of spray tans. Go get a bunch of spray tans. Maybe this will be the excuse. Sorry.

I had to pretend to be gay this weekend. You know what you should do? This feels a lot like Mac, right? I feel like, why don't you do a little Magnum PI type of thing? You could do that, too. Like an 80s, short-ass shorts, and you could just have a button-up undone, some shades, like a very Tom Selleck. A bandana also is in. Bandanas are in? That would work. Undone, some shades, like a very Tom Selleck.

A bandana also is in. Bandanas are in? That would work. Depends on how you wear it, but yes. Depends on how I wear it? I would not wear a bandana. How would you wear a bandana? I would do it like the rolled, almost like a headband. That's what I'm saying.

I'm saying like around the neck. Oh, fucking ascot? Yeah, wear an ascot, bro. Yeah, so John is going to fuck somebody by the end of the parade. It sounds fucking ascot? Yeah, wear an ascot, bro. Ascot, I mean. Ascot, yeah. So John is going to fuck somebody by the end of the parade. It sounds like you're gay. Yeah. John is, by the end of it,

is going to be like, oh, I can wear a bandana. You're not. You're calling it an ascot bandana? Fucking grow up, dude. No, it's not, dude. You wear a bandana around, or you wear it out of the back pocket.

You know the hanky code. That's not the whole thing. The what? There you go. Hanky code. Oh, is that it? You wear it out of the back pocket. Is it your gang?

Well, no, it means different shit, depending on what color you're wearing. I've just had a bandana in my back pocket before. I had no idea. It depends what color it is. Yeah, dude. All right. So I think if you want to stay straight,

but dress it up, I think you do that, like a little short shorts with an unbuttoned shirt. I think if you want to go gay, you go mesh shorts with some hot pants. How mad are gangs that the gay culture just took over bandanas? We've had this for a long time. Okay. This is an old thing.

I love that, though. Yeah. Short shorts, maybe mesh. If you don't want to do mesh, you do like cutoff type thing. And yeah. Because it's all supposed to be like 85. So it'll be. You know what would be really funny?

It's always the hottest thing. It's a hot one. If you just had a shirt that said, I might gay how funny would that persuade me right right no the have a table set up i might be gay convince me what shirt we were saying uh yesterday i was talking to nick and he was like we were like it was uh i was gonna say let's just say no to pussy yes to drugs amazing because that because that is like that's not necessarily gay i don't want to fuck chicks and i will do drugs we're talking about straight straights can do that like that's just a shirt we want to wear i am not trying to deal with women tonight i just want to fuck

i just want to i just want to do drugs and hang out no to pussy yes to drugs that is fucking great we make that before like this weekend that needs to be the movement right there is that um that'll be so that'll be sunday a parade in new york um starts at noon and uh you know went down the village right so it's gonna be a lot right yeah oh it's gonna be a lot i mean i go to irish parades where people just get black out and they're irish i'm like, you guys, there's too many of you here right now. And I'm one of you. Right, right, right.

To quote, uh, it was, uh, Joey on, uh, Chris Stefano's podcast. It was,

uh, basically this just turns into, it's the same thing, except it's just a bunch of drunk Puerto Rican, uh, lesbians. All right. Voicemails are brought to you by shady rays.

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price at ShadyRays.com slash KFC for the 50% off two plus pairs or more. KFC fights for the rest of the crew. 21% are here with the question. So I work at a mental hospital with kids. The other day I was ordering food home and I chose the option to leave it at my door because I don't want to interact with anybody. The food gets here. I get a knock.

I'm just like, this is weird. They must not have read it right. Okay, whatever. I open the door. Turns out it's one of the kids I used to work with like five years ago. So I'm like, this is already weird because seeing kids outside of work is weird. I don't like it.

Anyways, they started being really weird and asking me these weird questions, and I'm just trying to inch my way back inside, because I'm getting weird vibes. And then, right before I, like, slam my door, they make it a point to say, oh, and I'm 19 now, by the way, with a wink, and I was like, mm, no, just slam my door immediately,

because I'm too old for that. That's just gross. So have you been recognized by any of your delivery drivers? And if so, anything where it happened? Viva. This guy looks young, though. So he said these are the children's hospital. So it could be up to 18.

I think he said a teacher or something. Okay. Dude. So he sees these kids in a hospital and then sees them as drivers, and they're like, hey, I'm old. I'm old enough to fuck. I mean, I would fuck them. My mom –

Don't get me wrong. I'll kick you out after we fuck. My mom has actually recently started working with kids like this, and I think that's a pretty common trajectory where it's like, oh, fuck you, not for money. If it does, it doesn't go well. I've never had that. I've dreaded being recognized by a delivery driver.

One of the weirdest things in the world for everybody is seeing your teachers for the first time outside of school. Where it's just like, this is like the universe. There's a glitch in the matrix. Like, it's not supposed to happen. I've said it before. Dude, my principal, Mr. Kelly. I'll say his name because I think he's probably dead. He used to be at the beach in a fucking bikini.

Not a bikini. Speedo. Speedo. Speedo. Speedo. Speedo. Yeah. Principal was like, bro, you can't do that. used to be at the beach in a fucking bikini not bikini uh speedo speedo speedo speedo yeah principal i was like bro you can't do that like even if you think it's totally normal like i just say i wear speedos where they get over it like half the world does it it's like

you are a person who works with children this is basically like your underwear it's just not like socially acceptable over here you can't do it yeah i'm not calling for you to be arrested right but it's fucking weird if you don't think'm going to yell about it at the playground the rest of my elementary school days. Mr. Kelly wears a fucking thong to the beach, loser! I saw his fucking balls. I have had a similar situation to that where, I've told this, the kid who recognized me in my apartment building

and came to knock on the door to talk about the Bills-P about the bills pads game and he first he brought me a note yes and like the same idea like i knocked on the door and it's just like him and i was like what's up man and he's like yeah he just froze right yeah and he handed me a note that he'd written a note to himself and then he just stood there while i read the note and it was just like, hey man, big fan. And I was like, dude, are you fucking okay? It's so weird. You seem a little drunk. Are we sure that's it?

What the hell is going on here? Is this like a cry for help? Is this like a kidnapping note? What's going on here? What made me think of it this way, he said he was inching back and I was trying to inch back and then he finally snapped into it and was like, yeah, I made me think of it this way. He said he was inching back. And I was trying to inch back. And then he finally snapped into it and was like, yeah, I'll just come in for a second.

I just want to talk about the game real quick. And he was using a Bills jersey. It was Bills Pass I just played. And luckily, thank God, I was going to dinner. Not for like two and a half hours, but I just had that excuse ready in the chamber. And I was like, ah, I'm about to jump in the shower for dinner, man. Sorry, I can't go. You can't come in and he's like oh okay cool as opposed to just saying no yeah dude this is again like with the fucking this is with the the stuff at the the airport the other day someone someone like tweeted me like you're like oh you could have just said no

no I can't I know no I couldn't maybe other people could have said no yeah I couldn't have it's not you're not coming in my house you are not coming to my fucking house I couldn't have. Maybe other people could have said no. I couldn't have. You're not coming to my house. You're not coming to my fucking house. It's not a possibility. I can't say no. I can't. I can't say no.

It's an asshole. Why am I an asshole? You shouldn't let fucking people walk in your house. I don't know. It's weird. Dude, we talked about this with Nikki Glaser. Most of the sex I've had, I didn't want to have. I just didn't want to be rude.

John's just a rape victim. Life is just raping you, John. It wasn't not consensual, but I was like, oh, fuck. I don't want to do this. That sounds pretty non-consensual. No, no, no, no. That's pretty non-consensual. No, no, no, no. That's pretty non-consensual. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Oh, by the way, at the show this week, we had a father and son pair. And they were front row. The kid, um, he actually brought us a pair of, uh, Gopay gloves. He made these himself, uh, which is funny,

but also quite the move. Yeah. Like a 19, 18 year old dad. I think he was 19. I think he was 19. Uh, with his dad,

his dad had never heard of us. It was just like, I think it was a graduation present or something that he just went with his son which is cool cool move um we've got we've got a lot of father and sons over the years and it's always kind of funny to like you know usually the dads are fans though this guy had no idea what he's getting into and we we shout them out in the beginning of the show we talked to them for a little bit it's very cool don't realize that later in the show we have a question uh would you rather get shot in the head or 69 with your dad and uh and i realized after the show

not many people like if you were in that in that section it was hilarious i went over and i like kneeled down and i was like gonna get commentary from the dad and the son. And the dad just put the gun to the kid's head and pulled the trigger. And so everybody was there. I mean, I fell on the floor laughing. I think the rest of the crowd probably didn't understand what was happening. But before I could even be like, so what do you think, sir? He was like, nope, not happening.

Just as awkward as it gets yeah and then we uh for our nightcap they're at like the the fancy hotel bar uh but it was quite the awkward moment but uh the reason i bring it up is because you're the king of awkward moments because you just won't be like no why couldn't you just say um not right now man it's not a good time when to like come in to watch the game not right now man it's not a good time. When? To come in to watch the game. Not right now, man. It's not a good time. I don't know. My body's rejecting it right now. Let alone with the person putting pressure on me.

I'm right now. I'm like, oh, no. I can't do that. I mean... I don't know, man. I wish I was a different person. Chapter fucking 10,000. Amen. Next up. Hey, guys. I'm going to keep this I don't know man I wish I was a different person chapter fucking 10,000 next up hey guys I'm gonna keep this real short

I'm watching a movie here and it had one of those moments where like someone drives to the fucking end of the earth to tell someone else they love them and it got me thinking about like moments in movies where people like run to the airport before a flight and be like hey I love you back have you guys ever fucking seen that happen in real life or

know of anybody where that has ever happened in I feel like that shit just doesn't fucking exist I feel like that's just happened to one dude, and then they put it in movies, and it just never fucking happened again. I have a pseudo story about this. I, I, I... You go first, please. I was in high school. Same chick I always reference.

A little weird sex stories from high school. And we had, like, broken up. And, um... On a break sort of thing. And then I kind of wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Like hang out for a little bit. Let me fuck other chicks. You know, whatever.

And eventually she said something like, you need to pick. Like is it that or is it me? And I was just kind of like, it's you. It was like this is a big romantic proclamation, right? And she was like, what? And I was like, it's you. So she was like, really? And I'm like, yeah, yeah.

So I like race over to her house, drive over to her house to kind of like, you know, reunite or whatever. But I had a basketball game like within the hour, you know. So we like race over to the house and I'm kind of like, you know, embracing. And then I was like, but I got to go. Like we'll have our big grand thing afterwards. And as I'm leaving, she starts fingering herself at the top of the stairs just to like tease me. And I was like, I got a basketball game. I got to go.

But that was more adventures in the warped romance. Dude, that is wild. I didn't know that one was going. I was trying to leave. Like, all right, I'll be back. And we'll do it later. We'll have this big romantic night. The way we interview Polly, we got to interview this girl.

By the way, shout out Polly. It's her birthday. The, what was I going to say? Yeah, like the run on the plane sort of thing. Yeah, but I don't have a problem with that because most things I watch in movies don't happen. I know. That's the problem with love.

Every other movie you watch, you know that the action is fake. The violence is fake. The sex is fake. But you should know it's fake in the movie the movie too i know it's what you want is like that's what i mean they don't they for whatever reason people think that rom-coms are real oh that's what i want to find well i i want to be john mclean but i'm not gonna be because i live in the real world so this this this romance that's going to strike you like a you know lightning bolt is not real and like the you know the And the one is not real. And when you are like,

you're cheating on someone who you really are in love with and whatever, no, that's going to be messy. You're going to be the asshole for cheating. It's not that you found your one true love and everybody wants you to be together. You're going to be a dickhead for sleeping out of your marriage.

All of the things that get romanticized are all just not realistic. And for some reason, people are thinking like, I can't wait for that. Not going to happen yeah no you're right you're right but it is like i don't think the action movie comparison is perfectly apt because like like what what what these are what these movies are displaying is just someone who's happy and like i don't think it's i don't think it's i don't know i think some of this shit is completely unrealistic just just as much

as i don't think it's unrealistic to want happiness. And I think that's what typically... It takes a windy road to get there, but typically what it is is it ends happy. And you're like, yeah, that's what I want. Sure. I want to be happy. But the way in which it happens

or how you find them or whatever, it's just like, I don't know. It's probably going to be much fucking less glamorous than that. You know what I mean? I hope we get that as a whole but like at the end like i do just want to be happy yeah and and we get there but i think people want to like hit me over the head like i my entire life has changed and it's like that sort of shit is always the fleeting stuff that's like the moments of passion where you think you're gonna be last forever and you end up it's like a six month thing where you have like great sex and a wild time and it's romantic and then

you like it crashes and burns yeah the real stuff that lasts is kind of like you know probably much more pedestrian because they're happy already um the uh what was gonna say though i had two quick things uh oh the the realest thing in those kind of movies and it's because it probably happens at the end of a relationship is the look back when you look and she's gone

I'm always like don't turn around don't turn around but then I'm trying to see behind me is she turning around is she turning around like a mirror

trying to do that peripheral all the way around and guess what I've turned around basically every time and I usually turn around but that's always what happens because you turned around then

and they turned around before yeah and you walk away thinking they never wanted to look back and she walks away thinking you never look that might be real yeah that one's the real one that one that one i can confirm or the more like realistic version of that is like i'm not gonna text her she doesn't want me to tell you like i'm not gonna text and she's he's at home going oh please text me you both want to be texted definitely texted and you're never gonna do it and it's that's just the way that the real world works

but my favorite thing in movie love and all that stuff is how the guy always wins the girl over where she's like she's like how do you even know

like how do I even know that you love me and he's like do you remember that time when we went to dinner and you had on the red shoes and the blue. And he's like, do you remember that time when we went to dinner and you had on the red shoes and the blue dress? And she's like, you remember that? He's like, yeah.

He's like, yeah, I really wanted to fuck you that night. That ass was popping. She's like, oh, my God. He does love me. He does. I love it. Alright, last voicemail is brought to you by Phups. Pass me some Phups.

Phups is the new snack. Phup it up. What do we got here? Professional salt and vinegar. What do you got? A little hot chocolate? Hit me with a little grocery store cheddar. This is where it's at. The grocery store cheddar is kind of like your standard cheese puff. We all have that

semi-historic sour cream and onion. I didn't know how instant hot chocolate puffs were going to be. This is a fucking rant. Sour cream and onion, fucks. Professional salt and vinegar. Salt and vinegar is usually too much for me. Yeah, well, but I mean, if you like salt and vinegar,

you're going to like that. They've got cinnamon. Oh, wow. I like vinegar, though. Hot chocolate. Ooh, this one has a lot of chocolate on it. Look at that one. Really? Where's the... I do. See, that's a good dessert. It's like a snack.

It's like a dessert. Is it cinnamon? Yeah, I think those are kind of like... Unambiguous cinnamon toast, it's's called can we say the cinnamon twists from that taco joint like taste like that yeah yep yep which like now they don't sell anywhere a lot of these snacks you see are always like this is healthy and it's like you know whatever well look right there right on the fucking bag that highly not healthy it's just good snacks it's just a real snack it's like a good cheese puff snack with a whole array of flavors here obviously bags on bags on bags uh that's going to replace your old school lame uh played out cheese puffs so uh they've got these

when your co-host is asking earlier in the podcast if you're on a diet that's when it's time to pop it up you can get all five uh in one uh one pack or you can just pick one flavor you have these big ass bags uh it's it's see they say it's puffs backwards but it's not it's spuff backwards. It's puff backwards with an S, but it's not puffs backwards. It's spuff. Get your FUPS. What are FUPS? They say they're flavor in the physical form.

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Go to F-F-U-P-S dot com slash KFC and then use code KFC 15 for 15% off. That's fups.com slash KFC with code KFC 15 for 15% off. Scott. Hey, KFC, Pice, Jackie. First time, long time, although we did talk on friday

at the meeting in chicago actually about that uh preemptive breakup situation right so update on that um you know we're supposed to spend our last date at your show on saturday and as you know instead decide to fly to Florida. Today she came back. Her family's still there and she needs her car for school tomorrow. Unfortunately she managed to leave her keys

in Florida so she has no way of getting anywhere. She lives across the state so about five hours round trip and contacted me so i am now about to head out the door on a five-hour excursion with her to go retrieve her spare keys and then send her on her way you are so am i this is just being a civil human being or am i just the biggest idiot on the planet? Or are you a little horned up right now?

Or you got a little half chug on your... A little chubsy in your pants. They're fucking. It is... Oh, you're fucking for sure. This is... Dude. These two are so dating.

This is... You don't do this shit unless you're still dating. To be clear to the listener, this is Scott. Scott meant they... They be clear to the listener, this is Scott. Scott meant they're supposed to have a preemptive breakup. His girlfriend's moving away. They're fine. It was not a fight.

It was just like, I want to move here. You don't. So it was one of those right person, wrong time, wrong place, whatever. So they had an amicable breakup, and they said KC Radio Live will be our last event together. Correct. That did not end up happening. She split. Now you're caught up.

She went to Florida, forgot her keys there. This is like, why does he need to go with, like you get that, you know, you get your keys shipped back or something, you know what I mean? You don't need, there's other ways around this than getting your ex-boyfriend to drive you. That's very true. I had not thought about that. And if you do need some, I understand

you might need two people to go because I need to drive and then i'd no because she's not gonna be able to drive back right her car wait she lost her keys right so yeah they're just going to pick up keys it's not like there's a double car thing yeah you're right so you just don't need to do this you can go by yourself you can have someone send them you can bring a friend you guys are dating yeah you only do this kind of shit for people that you still want to fuck or are still in love with. And she still wants to be around you. And dude, I completely like. You guys are fine.

Do the fuck. Right. Definitely. I mean, just do like a little long distancing for a little while. Then break up. Fuck now. Fuck later. There's no reason you guys need to call it right now.

Relationships are fine until you get a new boyfriend. Right. Don't close the door unless you need to. We'll be fuck buddies for a little while. And then one of us will get a new boyfriend right that's that's actually like don't close the door unless it's like we'll be fuck buddies for a little while and then yeah and then we'll one of us will get a new relationship and then we stop then it'll really end horribly it'll be terrible and you'll hate those people and it'll be and you'll stalk and fight and it'll be terrible but right now there's nothing better than like we know each other we know how to get each other off we're not really dating we are dating let's. There's a little window here. She's going to suck that dick in that car.

Five hours? She's probably going to suck that dick like five times. Is he saying five hours round trip? Or is he saying five hours? I don't know. It's five hours both ways. He said five hours across the state. Yeah.

That's a long. How big is Illinois? I don't know. Five hours across the state is a long ass time. I mean, that's a lot of fucking. Across Illinois? Yeah. It's only three hours mean, that's a lot of fucking. Across Illinois? Yeah. It's only three hours across.

There's something about Florida. Or no, like two and a half to three. Well, she said where she was, so that's where she forgot the key. Right, right, right, right. But it's not five hours from Illinois to Florida, so they're not driving to Florida. Whatever it was, doesn't matter. You guys, you're getting it in. Yeah. But shout out, I think it's an amazing idea that you're going to do your last ever mutual

event at KFC Radio Live. I know. I wish it's an amazing idea that you're going to do your last ever mutual event at KFC Radio Live. I know. I wish it happened. Another couple, I would love for you to take that, like do that. If you ever want to break up, break up at our show. It would be fucking amazing. All right, interview time. It doesn't have to be agreed upon beforehand.

You can spring it on them right then and there. That would be amazing. That would be amazing. I do want to quickly apologize. There was a guy who skipped out of a wedding reception to come to KFC Radio Live. We should have brought him on stage and had him part of the show. That was awesome that he just bailed on a fucking wedding reception.

He was all the way up in the balcony and I didn't know how to do it and I didn't want the show to drag but that guy was awesome too. There's always a lot of characters at our shows so come out the next one. Providence. Oh, is that official? Yeah. July 21st in Providence uh don't know the venue don't know anything else i just know that the tickets are live so go to our social media

we will put the ticket link out and you can get tickets i know it's a little last minute i'm gonna find but we wanted to uh have a a uh providence we don't want to have a july show so that we didn't skip a month without getting out there prov Providence is actually our fourth biggest market. It was like New York, Boston, LA. Rhode Island Comedy Connection, baby. Rhode Island Comedy Connection. Tickets are live now. It's only like 200 seats.

So we might be able to add more shows. So we'll see if these sell out real fast. We can maybe add an additional show or whatever. So go to KFC Radio media uh or go to we'll put it all in the links yeah all links below in the youtube uh you can get tickets to our providence show july 21st boy uh our interview today is paul verzi paul verzi has a new special out um that it sounds like it is kind of like his magnum opus like the best work of his career. You know him from all of his work with Bill Burr.

He's been on our show before, and it's just a real good dude. He has an awesome story about parenting with his daughter, a great story that I think should be like in his special and in movies and shit. It's a great scene. So today's interview is brought to you by Helix. Gotta make sure that you get your sleep. Paul is an older

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It's helixsleep.com slash KFC, $200 off the mattress, two free pillows. It's Paul Verzi on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. Yo, what's up, man? What's up, man? What's going on? What's up? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? Yeah, but sometimes that's not good. I almost think they're too good. Sometimes it's not good. If it was me, if this is the 90s Yankees again, I'd be like, well, whatever.

We're going to win 125 games in the World Series. This era of Yankees has a little bit of, well, that was the year we won 100,000 games and then lost. That was our new heartbreak. Yeah, well, you remember the Mariners? Yeah. First exit. First round exit. But see, that's a Mariners thing to do.

It's not a Yankees thing to do. But this era of Yankees is a much more normal team. I can't believe this is the team that is going to go off and win, you know, 120 games. Like, the lineup is good, but it's not like, you know, the 98 Yankees was like, who the fuck is going to beat these guys? Whereas this lineup is a little more...

We'll see, yeah. But I don't know, man. You know, all it is is that Aaron Judge hasn't gotten hurt yet. When he doesn't get hurt, he's fucking disgusting. So, we'll see. Yeah, that's what I was saying. It's like, this is the first time he's actually had a full... Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's fucking disgusting so yeah that's what I was saying it's like this is the first time he's actually had a full yeah full year

yeah I mean he's he's out of control alright man Paul Verzi in the building what's up dude thanks for having me yeah man

good to see you again absolutely absolutely man by the way I should have I actually didn't do it as a no I didn't

I didn't come in as I walked in and I saw all the Mets shit I was like oh shit he's gonna think I'm a dick it's actually it's happened very rarely I was like, oh, shit, he's going to think I'm a dick.

It's actually like it's happened very rarely. I think like Michael Che just wore one. Yeah. And that's it. There hasn't been much Yankees in here. This is the hat my son got me for my birthday. So I have to wear it like I'm fucking Puerto Rican. I mean, look at it.

Look at the – it's got the fucking – the big patches on it and everything. So I wear it like this. And people ask me all the time. Did you wear it at the parade? People ask me all the time people ask me all the time if it's photoshopped on my head so this is usually the representation but I'll let the Yankee hat slide right now because I know you're also an OG

you know, there's a lot of bandwagon shit going on right now I'm pro bandwagon, just so we're clear I am exceptionally pro bandwagon as a bandwagoner myself well actually I don't know, I guess I wouldn't say I as a bandwagoner myself um not well actually i don't know i guess i wouldn't say i'm a bandwagoner for sports for soccer maybe right yeah but like even that like liverpool was bad when i started like right right i have no problem if you're a

bandwagoner and you admit you're a bandwagoner and i have no problem if you're an og and you yell at the bandwagoners who are like phony bandwagoners. It all plays, but it's a good sign. You should want bandwagoners. Yeah, the bandwagoners are what gets you the players that make you really good. You get pretty good, then you get bandwagoners. You know where there's nothing worse than. There's nothing fucking worse than this.

Than a woman who likes sports. No. No. Ex-Nick fan that went to Brooklyn Nets. I'm talking about grew up with Ewing, grew up in the 90s. Do you know somebody? I know a lot.

Really? I know a lot. I don't know a lot of Nets fans. Stop. Period. I don't know anybody who's really a Nets fan except for like Evan Roberts on WFAN. Oh, do I have friends? No, you don't.

Because they shouldn't be your friends anymore. I would honestly be like, we are no longer friends. Because that is also a sign of your makeup as a person. That you jumped to that team. Yeah, they were like, well, it was too much heartbreak. And I couldn't. And I'm like, nah, dude, you can't. That's going to just make it better when we win.

Well, I don't mind. Any Knicks fan, because this is probably where I'm at. I don't think anything happens with the Knicks until Dolan goes away. And so if you don't want to waste your time, like there are very few, there's very few, I think Bill Simmons once wrote a list of like, back when he was a really good blogger, of like the acceptable reasons you can bail on your team. And I think the Knicks have reached that with Dolan and his ownership.

What you can't do is then jump on the Nets. And I wouldn't blame you. You want to, like, I don't know. If you had jumped off the Knicks and became a Bucs fan with Giannis, and then you watched them all the way, and you were like, I'm a Bucs fan now, whatever, fine. You can't jump to the Nets. No, you can't jump to the Nets.

If you have any self-respect. Oh, seeing those, like, hipsters listening to Biggie wear Brooklyn hat. It's like, shut up. Fuck off. Shut up. Your parents are paying for that fucking brown stuff. You know nothing

about basketball. You're wearing a Kevin Durant jersey. It's the absolute worst. And then, and then, and then all the guys, you know,

you're rooting for Harden, Kyrie, and even Durant for a little bit. It's like, you know. But I will say this. I'm a delusional,

and they all make fun of me. All my friends. I'm a delusional Knick fan. I'm a every year. He's stuck there. No, dude, we won the first two. I'm so fucking nuts that if they're like, no, dude, Steph Curry was spotted at JFK. I'm like, he's coming.

He's coming, dude. They're taking meetings. They're like, no, he was at a wedding, Paul. He was at a wedding. I love it, especially in New York. Yeah, it's like there's no other reason a millionaire could come to Manhattan. Biggest city in the world. I'm like, no, he's taking a meet-up.

I think he wants to play at the Garden. We went through that heavy for a while with the Patriots. I'm from Massachusetts. Okay. And we did that. Because there was something to it where a lot of veterans who were like, had been on losing teams their whole career, didn't want to come here. There was Corey Dillon, Randy Moss.

And then we had it with Larry Fitzgerald for a decade plus. Like, every offseason, it was like, Larry Fitzgerald's coming! He's got a house here, guys! It was with Darrell Revis, it was with and some of those, you know, some of them did come true, so there was something to them, but it was it was actually almost more fun than the season.

Every year being like, one free agent's coming. Offseason, well, there's hope in the offseason. You guys didn't even fucking need it but like with the Knicks you know like LeBron's a free agent in four years

let's get geared up for that you know what I mean like shit like that oh that was the one that I really like he's coming he came to Greenwich

I go he's that's where the Knicks practice I go he's coming he's not gonna come here and say he's going anywhere else we actually talked about

what did we talk about with Shea was it with Shea what's that we talked about the Knicks like you have to live in fucking like the burps to practice.

There's a fundamental problem with the way this team works because it's like, come to New York, and then they're drinking and hanging out on white planes. You know what I mean? Because that's where they got to fucking live. It's not what it's cracked up to be. But yeah, I remember when I first started Barstool, because selling t-shirts is a big part of our business, right right and back then it was like the only way we made money i think

like oh nine was when i started and i think lebron was becoming a free agent like in 10 or something like that yeah and we made the obama shirts that said hope and we put lebron's face on it and started selling those like he was ever gonna come to like to... Like, anybody who's a bona fide star who knows it is never going to waste a minute of their time, let alone their prime, playing for a guy like James Dolan. It's just too much of a risk. But I would just be like, I'm not going to fuck this up. What if he becomes full Dolan?

He went to the back a little bit and signed Phil Jackson. It didn't work out, but he showed, you know, enough. But then he goes right back. It's like, yeah, I'm just not dealing with that. I agree to that to an extent, but do you think there's something in LeBron or certain guys that don't want the heat that comes with playing here under the lights? Because I thought halfway through his career, I thought until he got that block, until he got the block, he was, remember he would like defer?

Yeah. And then they would be like, what are you doing? He would be like, no, well, the pass was the right move. That was also some fear. So being at the garden probably played a little bit of. It's going to take, somebody someday will eventually be like, and I was hoping it was going to be Giannis somehow. But because you got a guy like, a guy like Giannis who has, you know,

who was like sending money back to his family, who was dirt poor. He's going to be like, I'm supposed to be afraid to play in this big, bad building or something? I have real-life problems. What was it after his rookie year? I played a rookie year, had an awesome rookie year, then I went back to Greece to be in the military.

To go to war. I don't give a fuck about MSG. Yeah, so this does not scare me, and I don't give a fuck about MSG. Yeah, so like, this does not scare me and I don't give a fuck about the media so I'll take it on. Somebody someday,

it will be like, it'll have to be a LeBron level talent where you are like, you've been groomed since you were like 15 and you are like, I want to do

like the impossible and bring a title to like James Dolan and the Knicks. It's just, if you do it, it's the greatest thing in sports. When you said Gianan, the Knicks, Charles... It's just... If you do it, it's the greatest thing in sports, but... When you said Giannis to the Knicks, I literally...

So sometimes... So my son inherited... And I believe this. As a parent, if your children don't root for the teams you root for, you're a piece of shit father. In my life. Go on, but I have a rebuttal. I have an example as well.

I shouldn't say piece of shit. Something happened, I should say. No, there's. Something happened. We've had a kid who worked here before, who remained unnamed, but he chose. Intentionally, right? Yeah. He chose to like the Cowboys because his dad was a Skins fan or something like that.

Yeah. And I was like, all right, so you and your dad have some weird fucking issue. That's the thing. Okay, your dad beats you. You've got to be your kid's hero. So my son inherited the Giants, Yankees, which have been fine, but also the Knicks. And he loves it. But what we do sometimes, he'll be like, Dad, I'm going to sleep.

Can you just come in and sit with me for a little while? What we do, this is how nuts and delusional, we Google. Free agents and shit? No, no, no. We just Google Giannis to Knicks. And then we'll be like, right donovan mitchell to nick we just keep doing it before he goes to bed that's how nuts we are so even just literally like when you're supposed to be reading fairy tales you are

that's our fairy tale yeah and and when you said yannis to nicks i'm like why wouldn't he want to that's the delusion we're thinking why wouldn't you want to play at the Mecca yeah but so many people are like why the fuck would I go there like I think there's a lot of New York-ism in you

where you're like this is great and the rest of the world is like no it's fucking not didn't Durant say that when he chose Brooklyn he's like dude

nobody cares about that anymore yeah and it's like fuck you're probably right I mean there was a time where you used to have to literally physically be here and now it's just not. And then you throw in Dolan and you throw in

some shit about the city that you might not like and the media and it's just like, why would I go make it harder? And the answer is like for immortality, but also it's like I'll go be an immortal in fucking whatever other city. When you can make like $300 million, you really care about immortality. It doesn't matter.

You'll make $300 million in Milwaukee. I can play on the Sacramento Kings. You guys forgot that's a team. You want to talk about easy living. For real. I took my son. So we went to the Knicks playoff game last year, game two against Atlanta, and it's the only game that we won.

It's sad when you can just say the Knicks playoff game. It's the only one that we won. Because they beat us in five, right? So we go. And my son is so excited. And the garden is rocking. But he sees adults cursing, right? And he sees them.

So this is all true. So my son goes, dad, next time everybody goes nuts, and these adults curse and say let's. How old is he, by the way? He's just turned 13. He goes, can I curse with everybody? I swear to God. What a good kid.

So I go, he's the best. He's the best. He's good in school, good in sports, great. So I go, yeah, buddy. All right, listen. We're at the Knicks game. Who knows when this is going to happen again? Yeah, right.

For real. So go for it. All bets are off. So later in the game, Emmanuel Quigley's at half court. And you probably remember the play. He throws an alley-oop from half court court and it looks like it's going over the backboard. So everyone's like, oh fuck, because it looks way too, OB topping out of

nowhere, grabs it with his fingertips, just yokes it down. Madison Square Garden went fucking berserk. I was going, it was, I've never heard anything like it. So now my son's like, this is my time. Yeah. Right. And he gets up and he goes, yeah, let's fucking go. And I'm like, all right.

Yeah, you bitches, take your pussy on the road. Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. You cocksucker motherfucker. I was like, wait a minute, dude. Wait a minute. He just unloaded all the bullets. He's like, this is my one shot. But he went berserk.

But it was a memory. And then he said to me, he goes, Dad, if they ever win, he goes, it's going to make my life. Yeah.

That's why somebody that goes to the Nets because Durant and they can't take, that's why I can't handle it because what my son's going to feel, God willing,

that's going to be on you. We're putting together a list of all, one of the segments we do is Am I the Asshole? You read out a scenario. Who's the asshole in the scenario? Okay. And I wrote down the last night am i the asshole for making my kids root for bad teams and that's why you do it because like you know if if but like i'm fucking

37 man you know it hasn't happened and if it doesn't happen for another like 10 15 years even if it does happen and i'm an old ass man for it my whole life as like my fun time as a fan is over so I like legitimately started to think about like I wouldn't I would never be like go be a Nets fan I would just be like what if you're just not a sports fan or

just like everything in that sport just be like a lot of people in the NBA just kind of like root for stars now you know but you know I look at what he had. Like, you know, he... But when I was born and I was forced into teams, they weren't good. Like, they were bad teams.

Right. The Red Sox in particular. Yeah. Patriots even. They were even worse than the Red Sox. Bruins were not anything special. Right. They were like...

And so the story you were talking about before was when you were a Rangers fan, right? Yeah. So when I was born, I loved Mark Messier. So I was a Rangers fan. I was born in 88.

I was a Rangers fan until 96. I'm sorry, 94. And I was six. And I celebrated that. I got to stay up for game seven. Got to like,

saw the Messier guarantee. I'm going nuts on the couch and then I go to bed and I wake up in the morning and just all of my Rangers stuff is down in my room and I walk down the breakers and my dad's like you're a Bruins fan now he went a little too hard I let this go to six

but I can understand that so my son is he's four, almost five, and we played T-ball for the first time this year, and he was pretty good at it, and I got, for the first time, really excited about something I do personally like. We went out and got all the equipment, and we're playing now, and I'm trying to get a little kid to watch a baseball game, brother. No wonder this sport's dying.

He's like, what am I watching? It sucks. I'm like, you're right, it does. Speaking of dying, real quick, sorry. Karabas had a quote to me yesterday that Game 6 of the World Series last year had 14 million viewers. Game 6 of the NBA Finals this year had 13.9. I can't believe that's true. Yeah.

Braves, Astros beat Warriors, Celtics. I have a hard time. I have a hard time. I do feel like this finals had no juice. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. That would be crazy, though. Those are two big markets.

I bet you they're probably fucking, you know, there's probably 10, 50 million more streamed or something. People only watching on cable. It's hard to, those numbers are so weird now with the technology. You can make any streaming, anything you want. But Boston, being a Boston fan, you guys went from like, you growing up until, you guys went from like a broke homeless dude to hitting the lotto. He has everything.

He has championships as a kid, as like a teenager, as a college kid, and as like an adult. So you did the one where you're like hugging your dad, and then you did the one where you're in school with your friends, and then you did the one in college where you're drunk as fuck, and then you do the one as an adult where you can, like, reflect on it all. Like, fuck this, man. Fuck you. How arrogant were you in college with any Patriot playoff game? Oh, God. It was actually, so I went to a bunch of different colleges, but the one I was mostly at was Florida State, where big, big football school, and I just couldn't get into it.

I couldn't get into it. Wow. And I'm like, oh, Jameis? Yeah, whatever, dude. I root for Brady this time of year. Get the fuck out of here. I'd be like, you want me to get sad that fucking EJ Manuel threw three picks today? Tom Brady plays tomorrow.

Right. I don't give a fuck. This is a warm-up for tomorrow. I'll give a fuck about this. Yeah, we're going for six. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think you're a good person to have this conversation with, though, because I wrote a blog way, way back, and it always resonated with people.

People still talk about it to this day. And it's similar to what we've been talking about here. And it's advice. At the time, I said I would give it to my unborn son. Yeah. And I had a few things on there, and all the commenters on our website all kind of crowdsourced it. And it's like things that you want to really make sure you impart to your son.

And I realized once I had a son, some of the things, I was like, all right, that's not really important. You know, did you have anything or do you have anything coming up? Or, you know, 13 is kind of in that spot where, like, you got to teach some lessons. We're talking about girls. We're going to talk about college soon, like all that shit. Part of me starting to realize, like, you can't.

Like, you just got to let them live. But also there are certain things you can kind of push them in a certain direction. The one thing that I tell them is that the insecurities and the self-worth that you'll question is a myth. It's not real. Dude, so many people have that same exact thing. So I said this. When Custom Auto took Mike Tyson, right? Mike Tyson was gangbanging in Brownsville, didn't know if he would be arrested or killed. And now this older man in the Catskills takes him up at 17 and Tyson said he's eating dinner and he's looking around at shit he could rob.

He's like, I could take that shit. Meanwhile, these people love him and want to mold him. And there's video of Customato as he's hitting the bag, this kid who's got no self-worth no self-esteem he's going you're great you're gonna be a champion you're great now i grew up with a little bit of my security strip because of shit that happened when i was young my parents separated it was brutal and i was just this kid like my parents don't like each other my mom moving with my mom so i had insecurity i tell my daughter and my son i said i'm not saying this because you're my kid you're gonna have to have doubts, but you're great. And you need to understand that.

And when you have those insecurities, just know that it's normal. But you, and, and I, and I tell them that all the time, like probably like two years ago till now. Right. Okay. But so like a little bit older, right? Yeah. Like they were like, nah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like I have six and four. And I'm like, he's going to be like,'s gonna be like he's gonna be like i'm worth what but i am but i am trying to like i would really love to make sure i have kids who like are just like nice to everybody and the cool people in the room and nice you know like and so i'm sometimes i try to like i stop them and i'm like hey look at me for a second you know and i'm like when you're on the playground and somebody falls down like help them up you know whatever and i can see it just you know what i mean yeah i'm like oh i wish those things would like start to stick because i'm like

we're you know am i supposed to make it stick now or do i have to wait no it will though it will though and in a weird way they probably subconsciously get it yeah and you're a good parent to to do that now because they're gonna get older and no because i i've seen like you know some shitty kids right that's what parents and their parents are shitheads having shitty kids is the worst until you realize that it's not their fault

I took my daughter to the park back when maybe your son's age younger and this kid my daughter just knew how to wait her turn

for the slide and this one kid was like it was just like a lunatic and I was doing all this stuff and He's like going down the wrong way. He's yelling. He's like a bulldozer.

And then I looked over at his father, and his father's just staring in space like, this kid's a fucking moron because his dad is. You know, his dad's just looking around. Kids and dogs know something is a bad one. They're bad owners. Your dad, you're the bad one. Yesterday, I'm at the playground, and this one little girl is going

but like spit flying yeah and it's hitting my kid and my nephew in the face and they and they like they get hit and they look at me and they're like that little girl is being bad i was like and i could see her mom was like right there not doing anything so i just started speaking like very loudly like yes that little girl is being bad but you should just go over there and play and leave her alone because no one's stopping her. You dumb bitch. Hey, bitch. Come control your kid.

You suck as a parent. I can't even imagine having to tell a parent like, hey, just so you know, your kid's spitting on mine. Your child's an animal, man. It's crazy out there. Yeah, and some kids, like, I remember my wife

picked my son up from like a play date and she pulls into the driveway and she's beet red. She's almost crying and I go, oh, fuck.

My wife picked up my son from a play date and they pull in and she's upset and then my son Lucas gets out of the car and he looks upset and my wife is like,

get over here. And I'm like, oh, and and she's like this fucking kid showed like it was like a death video like a video like he's like look at this so now I gotta tell him oh that's makeup that's not real and then the parents heard and the parents were like yeah we're so sorry we understand if you don't want to hang out

for a hang out forever like I'm done you're done yeah you're fucking done and it's like how are you allowing and I'm talking about this is young my son's 13 now this is probably like eight yeah and i'm going like that's on the parents dude the fact that you have the he's accessible to that right like that's it's crazy man my daughter has a couple friends who have older siblings and so they're like they're gonna be like the bad kids because they are the youngest of like four parents i don't even blame them the The parents are like, I don't know, man, you're raising yourself, but you know? And so they're like, one of them already has a cell phone or gets her sister's cell phone.

I'm like, oh, fuck all this stuff. Like for the longest time, it was, you know, that was dope when you were like, when you got to hang out with those kids though. Yeah. That's what I think. I'm like, I remember those kids and be like, oh, I'm going to Charles's house today. That's part of important. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Part of it is like, I kind of, you know, it's like, think. I'm like, I remember those kids. I'd be like, oh, shit. Oh, I'm going to Charles' house today? That's part of. I'm going to watch some porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Part of it is like, I kind of, you know, it's like, do I want my son to watch porn at 13? I don't know. I did. Do you have anything? I said I want him to go because I went to Fordham. Yep. It was great because I met all like the best people that I know in my life. But the experience was not great.

It's just not. You know, you go to school in the hood. There's no sports. There's no frats. There's no parties. It was fine. We drank at bars. But you can drink at bars your whole life, but the experience was not great. It's just not. You go to school in the hood. There's no sports. There's no frats. There's no parties. It was fine. We drank at bars, but you can drink at bars your whole life. So I wish I had did something different.

So I was thinking at the time when I wrote that blog and I didn't have a son, I was like I want him to go to a big sports and party school and get that experience. And now I'm like I don't know if that's the best idea, but also I do want him to go somewhere where he wants to go back and have an alma mater experience like I don't give a fuck about going back to Fordham

when I wrote the blog I was like you could go to Clemson, Alabama, USC or LSU that's it you have four choices and that's it I love that he's four and you're already expecting the grades to get into all those grades forget it right but like I love that he's four and you're already expecting the grades to get into all those grades. Forget it, right?

But do you have anything coming up for high school and college and beyond that you hope he does or you're going to try to impart? He's an incredible basketball player and point guard to the point where NBA players and college players have seen my son's jump shot. So you think he's got a shot? His last organized game, they were texting me on an airplane. He dropped like eight threes and 36 points and he's like 12 and he just wants to pass shot. Really? Yeah, like my son. So you think he's got a shot? His last organized game, they were texting me on an airplane. He dropped like eight threes and 36 points and he's like 12 and he just wants to pass first but I don't know.

I'm 5'8", his mother's 5'1". But his grandparents are both 6, so I'm hoping he can get 6'1". My dad is 5'7", my mom's 5'0". Me and my brother

are both 6 feet. Now that's not going to be like NBA level but 6 feet is, you know. But the thing is, I was bad, man. I got, I would do bad shit. I partied too hard. I would, you know. But the thing is, I was bad, man. I got, I would do bad shit.

I partied too hard. I would, you know, get arrested for dumb shit. A lot of things that I look back at, and I realize now it was a tension because of things that happened at home, but I don't want them to ever do that. So if he takes the calmer road, if he takes the like, ah, you know, but if he's like, dad, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to the U. I'm like, all right. Pops is coming down for prayer weekend.

Let's go. You'll be stealing bases down at the U, man. Yeah, I have both of it. But I know as long as me and his mother raise him enough to know that if you do get into a frat, you are going to University of Miami, don't be a dick. Have fun. Drink. That's all I want. I just want to know when they leave the house, you're not going to be a fucking asshole and an idiot.

Someone tweeted at me the other day where they were like, I saw you years ago or something like that, and I just want to say you were really nice to that bartender. I was like alone at a bar. And I was like, if that's all I remember to ask, the guy who was nice to the bartender, that's fucking perfect. That's great. That's a good parenting by your parents.

I got one for you because you mentioned the cell phones. So we didn't let Lucas get a cell phone until he finished fifth grade. That's a good parenting by your parents. I got one for you because you mentioned the cell phones. We didn't let Lucas get a cell phone until he finished fifth grade. So he had to be out of elementary school going into... 12-ish? Yeah, like 11, 12. He had to be going into high school to get a cell phone. It's just a decision me and his mother made, right? Now my Sophia, she's a female, so a little

more mature. She's now at the end of third grade. So she's in fourth now. Last year she goes, Daddy, I want an iPhone 11. This is over. Not a phone, a specific one.

So Lucas goes, that's bullshit. You made me wait for fifth grade. You can't get her it. So she's on the couch and she's just whispering to Stacy.

She's whispering to her mother. I want a cell phone. I deserve a cell phone. This and that. She's on a soccer team. Soccer team stinks. They didn't win one game. They had two goals all year.

Okay? You had to watch all those games. All those games, driving. So not one game won, maybe two goals. Definitely won maybe two goals all year. We got to drive to Dobbs Ferry for the last game. We drive down from up north to west to Dobbs Ferry for her last game. She's on the couch, and I look at her,

and she's one of the younger girls on the team. But she's good. And I go, all right, here's the deal. And my wife's going, no, no, no, no, no deal, no deal. Here's the deal. You score a goal tomorrow, I'm going to get you an iPhone 11. And she goes, she goes, what? Mommy, mommy.

And my wife's going, and I go, Stace, they haven't won. I mean, they're not scoring a goal. I go, they're never on the side of their goal. They're never even fucking positioned to score, right? Tell me this girl, Babe Ruth, this shit. Call her shot. Now, we get to Dobbs Ferry, and all the parents start hearing about this. So now the dads are coming up to me going, did you really tell her?

I'm like, dude. And they're like, I go, if my daughter scores a goal, we're going to fucking Verizon. I'm getting her an iPhone, right? Dude, first half, we had to get there 7 o'clock in the morning. They're dragging ass. They're tired. They're still like dew on the grass. They're tired.

Halftime comes. We're losing 1-2-0, right? After halftime. Ferocious. Starts in and for some reason my daughter starts running towards the goal, and it just goes in front of her, and everyone's going, no, no. It goes in front of her, and the goalie comes out to get it. My daughter kicks it.

Up and over? It goes over the goalie's head, and it goes in. Everybody explodes, and my daughter puts her hands on her head, goes like this. As she's running down, she goes like this. iPhone 11. Everybody lost their shit. Guess what? iPhone 11.

And now the next year we played, and all these dads are like, you fucking ruined it. Absolutely. So you are the worst dad and the best dad all at once. If it was another parent, I would fucking hate your guts. My son's not happy. Not happy.

My son's still not happy. Yo, that is a moment that lasts forever. I think it teaches like... It does. It's like capitalism. It teaches that it's possible. It teaches that things are possible. I can go make...

She probably would have sleptwalked with that game and then was like, I gotta fucking score this goal. And she got it, man. So you know what you got to do is start dangling shit left and right, man. One more goal is a puppy! Only reason I did good in school was my mom, once I was old enough to even just be able to buy things

here and there, so probably middle school, she was like, I'll give you $20 per A. Every A that I got in class. So then you've got five classes. You get like $100 for a report card. I would just do that every time. Middle school, you could retire on that. Yeah, that I got in class. So then you've got like five classes. You get like a hundred bucks for a report card. I would just do that every time.

Yeah, that's what I mean. I was like, and that's like, I never cared otherwise. I guess bribing is probably frowned upon, but I'm kind of like, well, that's the way the world's going to work, right? You work and I'll give you some money. My son gets $200 every honor roll he gets on. Yeah, that's what I mean. And he's run

the table since sixth grade until now. So he just goes, let's go get sneakers. And it's not like because I want to be good at school. It's like, of course not. I want cool shit. I want a fucking iPhone. That must have been. Dude, it was nuts.

I can't even imagine what she felt. You gave her a walk-off moment. You made a sports moment and a learning moment and a iPhone moment and a... That was her Steph Curry ring me. Yeah. She put her hands on her head

and went like this. I saw it register. And then she like, I did, I did something. Like I said, a goal was given to me. I didn't think it was possible.

I set out. I did it. Like, holy shit. She's probably like, I can do anything. I think what you said is right. I think she's going to take that the rest of her life and put it towards things and and like even though it made my wife nuts i think my wife loved it yeah it's like it shows my little girl like you know what if you have a goal that's the other thing if you have and i'm

very big on that i'm very big on that in my stand-up career i'm very big on anything i do short-term and long-term goals and when you put your mind to it like you're gonna get it you're gonna get it it also're going to get it. It also shows that dad really thought she was a shitty soccer player. It also showed you guys haven't won a game all year. We're probably not going to get you an iPhone. Did they end up losing the game anyway?

Yeah. But you know who won that day? The other team was, you know, they were not the winners that day. It was her iPhone 11. That's fucking incredible yeah man i can only dream of a moment like that i'm gonna you know i'm gonna get i'm gonna i'm gonna do this i'm gonna steal this you know this right i'm gonna have to pick out a time and be like i'll get you an iphone if your son's gonna be up at the plate literally i'm like dude you get a double dude we're going yeah yeah you got like an infield single, dog. You like this out. You make contact.

He hits a foul ball. Yeah! I'm born! Dude, I got PTSD, though, when you mentioned the dewy fields because I forgot all about those. Those early games. Those early games when you showed up with a dewy, you were like, fuck this.

It's so fucking early. Even as a kid, you're like, this is going to suck. I'm going to fall at one point. I'm going to get soaking wet. I'm going to get miserable. The only thing that was worse than it was i was a hockey player and and like if you showed up like you know like 5 a.m practices it would be i don't know how it works or what i think it was in summer like during my summer leagues but like the rink would just be fog everywhere would just be covered in fog and they just make you to start practice you have to do sprints to get like the fog to rise and it's like

dude this fucking that's a sign that we shouldn't be playing if we need to like adjust the chemistry of the room in order to fucking play I hated that

and I hated fall ball baseball when it would get like into the later when it would just be cold as fuck yeah cause that makes you feel like football

for me but also like if you get jammed I don't even want to make contact. Strike me out or something. Yeah. Would it be, like, November? Would you play that late in fall ball? Whenever it was, it would just be, yeah, those cold days.

And it was just like, get me the fuck out of here. I don't want to do this shit anymore, man. That is so, that is a great, great moment, though, man. So, what's good, what's the latest with everything? I mean, you shot a special. Special drops on Netflix on Thursday.

And this is the one you shot. It's out today. It's back, right? Yeah, it got announced today. People knew because it was in Netflix queue, but we made the official announcement today. Trailer's up. They're going to put out a clip on Thursday,

but it comes out that's the one man i know there's a lot of streaming now and you can do good on everything but netflix is still like when they when they the phrase netflix special almost became for a little while like uh kleenex and it was like a comedy special was just called a netflix special what was amazing was everybody saw it everybody loved it and netflix is like this belongs here and and it's 64 minutes and and i've had the preliminary reviews of it are you know like a lot of people man and i've had i and i say this not arrogantly humbly like i've had like four legends hit me up and go dude you know this thing bangs wow so and and i wanted that i wasn't going to do it any other way you know i did my first

special comedy central 2018 i stand by it i love it it made people kind of see a lot of this stuff but this one was just different and uh it's a different you know it's kind of just like when you watch this you kind of know me a lot more and um yeah it's great and Pete Davidson who's who was who he told me I'm one of his I'm his fate one of his favorites he was like let me direct this thing so uh he did and that's a great name to be associated with right now you know what I mean like well this is the thing this is like this is like years ago he was like hey what I mean? Well, this is the thing. This is like years ago. He was like, hey, man, I want to direct that.

This is like before we talked about it a long time ago. Right, right. I put Pete on my podcast when he was like 18. So he's like, hey, man, I'd love to. He saw me at Caroline's when he was like 16. And he was like, dude, I want to do that. I think I was hosting or on the show. And we just became friends.

And he was like, hey, man, I want to do this. And when he saw some of the material, he's like, I do this so um yeah and we didn't know and then once people saw everybody kind of wanted it so that's that's what makes me feel good so you shot it this was the one you did it was it at nyack i shot yeah i shot this at at levity live at nyack like right around like the holidays yeah and uh yeah so you shot that and at that point had no idea where it was going to go? Or was that already like Netflix already decided? No, no, no. So you shoot that just kind of being like, I know I got the material.

I'm going to shoot it, but I will figure out where it goes. Being on your show, I want to be respectful. There were options. And, you know, I want to be respectful. But there were options. But then, you know know I had to be honest this Hollywood director Mike Binder

he did the oh yeah we just met him oh you did yeah we just met him in Nashville and like I don't think we were quite aware

of how much of a fucking legend he was like because he was talking to us and then when I found out how much of a legend he was I was like why is he why is this guy even talking

to us why is he bothering me and stuff yeah like big time shit so he hit me up and he goes hey man like you're one of my favorites right now and I loved your first special he goes i heard about the second one i want to do an essay

on you do you mind sending me the special before it comes out so i'm like yeah of course so i sent it to him and he hit me up and he goes dude he goes this is he goes this i need to reach out to people and he he if i'm being honest like he was just he's he's like hey i'm gonna send this to some people and i read what he wrote and i was like whoa hey, I'm going to send this to some people. And I read what he wrote, and I was completely humbled and blown away. And then Netflix was like, let's take a look at this thing. And then they were like, this belongs here. So yeah, man, Thursday we're here. And I'm really excited about everybody seeing it.

Because the work is done. Because here's the thing. The work is done. The work was done. Clearly. I've been doing this a while, so I'm really excited for everybody to see netflix and with the mike binder cosign and and a few there were like a lot of comics in the crowd that night right because i feel like i saw i've seen a few quotes to be like i was here i saw this that's why sam was there right no uh sal

vacano sal was there okay sal was there and then um some people that jumped on the show before kevin ryan from are you garbage he's good friend. He used to open for me. Robbie Slowick. So there were comics that were on the show that opened, but then there were a couple of friends in the crowd. But Sal Vacano was there. I mean, when you get the cosign from other comics, I feel like is when you know that you really crushed something, you know? Yeah, it felt like that. And then-

I like 64 Minutes, too. Everyone's kind of trending short, and I get why. But it's almost like catering to like the TikTok brains. And it's like, yeah, this is, this is, nobody has an attention span.

It's like, you're right. But first of all, they can watch it in two 30 minutes in segments if they want. Also, if it's that good, the attention span is there. You know what I mean?

When I watch really good shit, I can watch an hour. That's it. And some of these people were like, uh, I would just did whose pocket. I did Greg Fitz, Greg Fitzsimmons podcast. And he goes, uh, he goes, dude, you know, I watched it and he was just like, and what of these people were like, I just did whose podcast? I did Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast.

And he goes, dude, I watched it. And he was just like, and what people are saying is like it goes quick. And it's just because I just wanted it to be Sal Vacano was like, man, this is like relentless for 60 minutes. That's what I wanted. Relentless is a great word for a fucking. I wanted to fucking grab him by the fucking throat with this. And so and then, you know, and then Burr came out and said something on a podcast where he was like dude this one is so like to have that and then to have people like binder and these people but you know i'm super humble i'm still i'm still like oh it comes out thursday i hope

everybody feels that way yeah but people were like hey man i just saw the trailer you know what i do sometimes feel like there are like comics comics and and it doesn't always resonate the same way with comic uh fans of comedy you know right so you got to still make sure like the the people and the masses like it so there's that one last hurdle to like jump but i feel like everything is yeah yeah no and for me i'm always like i'm always like you know always have my i always have i'm just like hey man i put it out i'm done you know i've seen it we edited i don't even know if i'm gonna watch it on netflix i might like once and then that's it yeah but um no what people are saying is cool and so let me ask you this when you do like you you're you're set in your life really right like

family you're you always want to well family was always first yeah right family yeah you have your happy family you are of course you always want to make more money but you have money you want to be more successful but you are already successful so what is like the the the the bar for this being a successful special like do you want is it like a goal like i want to be able to sell out an arena off of these tickets or i want to or is it just like i want people to say they like it or no listen because when you're at your you know what i mean at your stage in life you're kind of like it's bringing sand to the beach almost in a way. Because you are good and you're happy, but it's like, what is the level where you'd be like, wow, I did it. I want, for me, it's always getting better.

So it's like, I want people to go, everything that this dude put out from his album in 15 to his special on Comedy Central in 18 to now this one. Like, everything Verzi puts out is just, is getting better and better. And it's, and so for me it's that now I want unlike and this is not to shit on anybody on TikTok and YouTube and the quick attention span but I want fame and money to be a byproduct of me being dope at what the fuck I do and and and if that means more tickets good yeah I want to sell more tickets I want to make more money and I want to sell as many tickets as I can maybe doing acting and maybe doing projects with my friends all things like that man you know but family yeah dude my listen dude at the end of the day if my kids are fucking healthy and happy and and we're making a living and stuff like that but no I want

I want it all dude I want to sell out yeah I want to sell out uh clubs and theaters and I want to do that it's just a funny industry in the way that like uh like kind of going back to what we're talking about with the kids it's like you almost like tell people to like not worry about the opinions of others and just do your thing and make sure you're good at it but in a way what you do in comedy is like you're looking for acceptance from an audience and you want an audience to laugh and think you're funny and it's all it's about you know yourself and doing the best comedy you think you can do but on the whole it's also like i want everyone to like me i want everyone to like this yeah it's a little counterintuitive you know what i mean because

dude i grew up watching hours of stand-up that crushed like eddie murphy raw and then like i grew up watching that that's what i wanted to do so like carlin and prior and and rock stalking the stage and wall like that's it was just boom boom and that's what i that's what i want to do so i want people to watch it and go dude that went fast and that was and that felt real good that's what i and i don't want the quick you know like youtube click and listen that hurts my following sometimes but i don't i wanted to you know oh comic destroys heckler really really oh you mean the guy who's been doing it for a living and has an amplified thing he got the best of a fucking accountant he's supposed to if a guy works in a mall, you fucking asshole, you should beat him you should fucking win

you have a microphone and this guy works at Sbarro in the mall I feel like I'm I have a similar line of thinking where I don't want to do the TikTok, I don't want to do the YouTube and all that stuff and I think that's part because I feel like I have a similar line of thinking where I don't want to do the TikTok. I don't want to do the YouTube and all that stuff. And I think that's part because I'm like, this is the long form is the way to do it. But also it's part like, I don't want to learn how to do a new thing. And I'm hoping if I put out this attitude where I'm like, I don't give a fuck about that.

Then it doesn't matter. I respect that out of him. No, you're right. And you do have to adapt. He's old school. And that's wrong. You do have adapt yeah like you definitely have to adapt like i built a studio in the in my house to make the podcast get on video now so you do have to adapt and do that but i was just talking to uh my publicist the great michael o'brien we were just

in the green room and i was going like i would rather the longer road where somebody's like where you have like let's say a hundred thousand followers that have been there from day one. They've listened to you talk about jokes that have touched them. Then have 350,000 who watched you do that dance on Tik TOK. They're not coming to your theater. You know what I mean? There's, Oh,

that's that guy that did that thing. Fuck that. I would rather, but there is a fine medium where you want to make sure that you kind of adapt. Yeah. You want to adapt. And it is, it is a world of podcasts too. And it is a world of podcasts, too.

And it is a world of, like, making content, too, and a YouTube channel, all that. But for me, I want all of that to come after somebody's like, oh, that shit was dope. That's just me, you know? And I'm not the dude, you know. I mean, from the short time that we've known each other, like, I'm not going to, you know, put makeup on

and go do man on the street. That's not who I am. Right, right, right. You know what I mean? That's not who I am. And then I think also, like, you know, I feel like you've gone through some shit in your life. You know, you talked openly about the anxiety. The pressure, yeah.

And that story you told, I was listening to you on somebody recently. Oh, Honeydew, I think? Probably Honeydew. You were talking about your mom when she was sick. Yeah. And then experimental drugs end up giving her, like, another 25 years of life. Yeah, she's alive today. And she was in stage four of that.

And just some shit happened younger. I mean, listen, I'm not going to say I had it harder than anybody else. A lot of people have it hard. But, yeah, all of those things kind of like, and I still deal with shit today. Right. Just gives you a perspective on the shit that's really hard versus some of the shit that you might have thought was hard before you went through some things.

You know what I mean? Yeah, and when somebody writes to me and goes, dude, that thing you said, you know, on the honeydew about the depression or that joke you said that made it make me feel okay like you know it's having somebody go dude you saved my life and i'm going what like that i want because that guy's coming to the show yeah right as opposed to doing some other shit we get that without ever really talking about that shit yeah people are like yo like you got me through like a like really hard time and'm like, we exclusively talk about our dicks. We don't even open up about the crazy shit.

You want to know what you two do? I mean, I guess I do. This is the truth about you two, man. You two are so genuine and just honest with what you talk about. And it's a pastime for people. So when you guys are just talking, just shooting the shit, and somebody's in the car and they're going through it, this show is like it's an escape.

Now, when you give that to somebody and you guys are genuine which you are that's that's all that matters you guys could sit and talk about going to the beach and it's gonna make somebody be like i mean you know what i want to listen to that because they're going through something so it's all relative to what you're doing have you seen that the the podcasting meme that came out recently is one of the most accurate memes and it's so disappointing because it's just like it's like yeah did you text that to the group recently i don't remember it's like it's very the way it's worded is really good too though because it was like i think we have we have definitely

said this like it's like exactly this story but it's basically the uh it's like it's like some a musician right and they got like a guitar and they're working the pedals and they got the keyboard over here they're like they're playing seven different instruments and it's like musicians what if no one wants to listen to this and then it's podcasters and it's just like it's like guy one like dude so i'm at the fucking convenience store the other day and i got the ice cream sitting right there and then it's like one guy's like i hate that bro it's like yeah it's like it's like yeah dude i hate that and she can see that it's ice cream but right there and one guy's like i hate that bro it's like yeah dude i hate that and she can see that it's ice cream but she's taking forever it's like i hate that bro and i was like fuck fuck i do that son of a bitch there is that's that is what i don't think

the the podcasting world has like reconciled yet is like when you go on stage and do a comedy special, it's refined. The punchlines are so smart and everything down to your breaths and your timing. Yeah, you toured the country doing it. Right, it's perfect. Podcasting is like, yeah, the ice cream was melting on the fucking counter and I was mad about that. But for some reason, those two things can almost hit on the same level.

Yes. Which is weird because it's like, I don't know, sorry you you know you toured the country and refined yours i just told the story that happened yesterday but we're i don't know it's it's hitting the same for some reason yeah because there's a beauty in that there's a beauty in the off the cuff yeah yeah there's a beauty in that ice cream melting because it lets somebody talk about that right dude do they see that shit yeah you know what i mean as opposed to some so i think both as long as the shit is entertaining yeah but so that's why i think when people get upset about like oh you're just a tiktok or whatever it's like dude i don't know what to tell you entertaining is

entertaining like your shit is really fucking refined my shit is a dance i don't know man i mean like those stories works and it's like i wish it wasn't that way, but it is. The stories that your best friends have, like, dude, tell a story. When you heard that, you were in a bar, it was being yelled over a couple of people. He was fumbling over his words. We'll be out with new friends.

I'm like, you gotta tell them a story. You gotta tell them a story. Maybe it's a little better now, but the way I remember it is there's fumbling and at one point the waiter interrupted and I had know maybe it's a little better now but it's like the way I remember it is like there's fumbling and there's like you know like at one point the waiter interrupted

and I had to stop it like there's that's the more like natural telling of it and then you could even be like what the fuck is this waiter not listening to this and that makes it funny

because you're like I was like right in the heart of this shit this fucking guy no sense of timing dude right now you gotta refill my water glass I was just gonna say

I'm fine with the water I'm in the middle of a punchline. 75% full anyway. I hate that. They pour that much. I'm genuinely upset about that. Don't always come down a good story.

They're all 90% full. That's so fucking great. I was listening to Ron White on Two Bears with Segura. It's an awesome interview hearing Ron White chronicle everything. He doesn't drink anymore. But when he goes up on stage,

and he's kind of officially retired, but when he had stopped drinking, he goes on stage and he drinks what looks like a cocktail. And people were like, some people, I guess, said to him, like, oh, you're being phony. It's fake. You're not drinking. Why are you making it look like you're drinking?

He's like, because it's a fucking show, you assholes like these are all stories and premises that are kind of fake and pumped up anyway so like shut the fuck up so like kind of at the end of the day it's there's also something to that when we were in nashville and i was drinking uh non-alcoholics someone sent me a tweet being like why are you like why don't you just not drink or whatever it was and part of it because it takes the beer of beer but also there's something to you're holding it like I'm doing I'm setting the vibe man I don't want people to be like

why are you just drinking water I don't have one asshole on the internet but why are you drinking non-alcoholic beers or you either drink in water and people are asking that or you don't have a drink

in your hand someone says let me get you a drink you drink it's like no I don't need thank you I don't need 50,000 people to ask me if I need a drink I'll just hold this fake one

isn't it funny what people comment about? And like, yeah, like, yeah, nice, nice picture in the background. Like, yeah, we deal with that. There was, we're a little over that, I think. But there was a phase, not over it, but like, there's still assholes who do it. But there was a phase, like, in like the early 2010s, where everyone was zooming in on something. Like, you had to rent the hotel room just to post a picture. I did it yesterday, even in the hotel room.

Yeah, even in the hotel room. Where are you staying? Is that a three star? Last week, I was doing all my One Minute Man videos from the hotel and you could kind of see my bed and I made sure I threw the covers. I didn't make the bed, but I just made sure.

At one point, my boxers were in the background. I was like, I've got to get rid of that. I was like, what are you going to point out that makes you stop listening to the fucking actual content? You dumb assholes. There was nothing worse than you write something funny, post something funny, whatever, and the only thing people were talking about was like, you've got small feet, man. They're normal-sized feet or whatever it is. I posted a picture of, when you said that, it made me realize.

And it was like comics were joking. But I'm a size 10. Yeah. Size 10 sneaker. I posted new Air Force Ones because I love them. They're fresh out the box in white leather, and I love shit. And they were like, dude, you got small. Baby feet?

It's like it's literally the most common size. I'm actually a 10, and I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to fucking explain my foot size to this asshole. I have literally done that before. And I replied, I was like, I'm a 10 and a half. It's actually the most common size. And I sent it and I was like, you win, I lose. I am the fucking loser who was like, it's a normal dick. Okay.

Five bitches is totally fine. I swear, man. Going back to what we were saying about being authentic and doing it the long way which is which is what i just chose to do but i'll never knock anybody's hustle i'll never not listen if you did it quick on tiktok and you got a million followers because of something that went viral and you're selling out places and you're feeding your family good on you like i listen i may not go that approach or maybe love that approach for me, but God bless you. I'm never going to

hate on that. What I think it should be, I think everybody should respect whatever level of success is attained and then really respect the people who did it, quote unquote, the right way. Rather than, I only respect you if you did the right way and I knock you if you didn't do it. Everybody should get,

if you've made it, you've made it. if you grinded for fucking 30 years and did it all blah blah blah then you are like a true true master of the craft or whatever but everybody should get the like you're here then you're here you know yeah it's like well i love i i love when people even on us on some level uh we a guy uh who used to work you know francis ellis right yeah he he went to harvard and a lot of times it was like, you're still sitting right next to me, man. It was like things like that where it's like if you're in the same arena, it doesn't fucking really matter, right? But I do like – I think the people who are the comics comic or get the seal of approval from people who really know what's up or do the long form or whatever, it does have that like like you did it you know the old school way or like the really quality way and it's also for what makes you personally feel like what gives you personal satisfaction right yeah like and for me

it was like you know everybody told me no in this business for like 14 years it was like i remember people would go it's called killing in obscurity you would you would killing in obscurity yeah you go out you kill on the road, everything, nobody fucking, nobody knew, nobody cared, you're like, no, dude,

and it's like, oh, wait, wait, you know, so, so for me, that's what's incredible.

But that's gotta be like, when you make it, that's, that becomes cool, you know? Right. But there are people who stay in obscurity, man,

it's like, yeah, that's a fear, you know, that was a fear, you know? Yeah, I do think that's where the,

like the YouTube specials have made, there's a lot of guys who are even come through the podcast, was like this guy is funnier than his fame and his money is showing right now and then youtube happens and then like boom they got it and it's like thank god but before youtube you probably just continued to tour for 150 people you know on the road and it's like yeah shit man that's a that's a tough life but yeah well we uh we we just got to the point where we started to um like when we did live podcasts it was a different show like every single time because we didn't think we could like recreate conversations or whatever but we're starting to see like a couple different videos and a couple different stories work and so it's the first time that we're ever like refining things a little bit.

And it, you know, it's when I do a podcast, we come in and we go, I had something funny happen and I'll tell the story. That's it. You know? And then we tell the pod, you tell the story on the podcast and that's a podcast, a live story. It's like, I was like, oh wait, I need to like figure out how I'm going to tell the story because it's different when you're in front of the room. So it is, I know it's funny, but I got to make sure I get this room to know it. On a podcast, you're driving, you're doing, working out, whatever. You can just tell it. Now I think it'll be the first time in our careers where we're like, okay, wait, nope.

Tell it this way instead of that way. Yeah, and you'll see like in a year from now when you guys go out and do a live show in like a theater, it's going to be a machine. And it's so much – there is like a cool thing in that that i've never experienced where it's like whether or not the audience ends up like you know whatever i want to i want to do this you know that's like anything right like when you first started this show yeah and then you listen back to episode one and two and then you listen to episode 50 it's the same thing with stand-up yeah you know you go out with stand-up and you start

the new hour and you're like oh this this needs needs – and then all of a sudden, a year later, you're doing that hour in fucking Milwaukee and bang, bang, bang. It's the same thing will happen. But you know what? Even more than that, when we just used to write, I used to write – I don't know about you. I would just write to write. I really – I wanted people to like – if people wanted to comment or tweet me being like, that was funny, of course, go ahead. But I was like – it was like painting a picture to me, and it was like, I want it to be a certain way, kind of like

a little OCD, change a couple words around, fix a couple things, and posted it, and I would read through it once, and I was like, I wanted it to look like that. And that was the only motivation. Like, hopefully you like it, hopefully I make some money off it. So, I'm almost hoping the same thing happens with on stage, where it's like, I don't know,

maybe the audience laughs at it more, maybe they don't, but I wanted it to sound this way, and I got it there. It is cool, too. I just like even like telling, retelling a story. I mean, I'm explaining to someone who knows, but like where it's almost like learning a new language where you're like, all right, this is how the beat's got to go. This is how the fall is. Yeah, I say it this way.

Or like I noticed I said this earlier in the show. This crowd didn't react to that, so I'm going to drop this part of that story. That shit's annoying. That drop this part of that story. That shit's annoying. That's a part of it, too. We did back-to-back shows in Boston, and it was the first time I – Like you and Wilbur? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And something – the day of the show happened to me that was very funny. Told it the first time, and the house was coming down. Told it the second time, and they were like, yeah, it was all right. And I was like you might you should have seen this two hours ago you know why that happened though right

probably because I didn't tell it it was so real and exciting the first time I don't know how you guys fucking do it with one with one repeat I couldn't do it you guys repeat it like fucking a thousand times in your heart so much the first time and so real that it didn't matter

and that's that's what i was going to say to you guys is you're going to get to a point and this is not an arrogant thing because i'm not an arrogant dude but you got to get to the point where you're like no these people are lucky to be in this theater to see this listen to me no listen to me catch me in the year 2352. I don't know if I'll feel that way. Dude, those people are lining up and buying the tickets because of what you do here. Yeah, that, I mean, we literally had to line up

And I'm not saying it, like I said, I'm not saying that in an arrogant way. I'm not saying it like, I'm saying it like you got to understand that they're so excited to be there because of what you've done here. They're excited. So they feel like, oh man,

we're here to see this show live because of what they've done for us to this point in their lives you got to think of it like that right it's like you've you've earned right you've earned those tickets sold so instead people get up there you get a little scared right you're like oh shit how's this gonna be it's like no it's like they fuck it you earn that yeah i understand that you earned that might be the great difference between the two the two things we're talking about today is that like i think deep down if you sell out something some some form of a show yeah because you got big on tiktok within the last six months yeah i think deep down you know you haven't really earned it oh i mean you know what i mean you'd have you must right so that and that's where

that's not knocking them but you gotta you you will i don't know if you ever reach that point if you get famous overnight because of some silly shit I don't know if you ever reach that point if you get famous overnight because of some silly shit I don't know if you're like you're lucky to be here cause it's like they're not they just didn't turn

their fucking phones on like I did you know what I mean right so like I think there has to be some level of work if you ever want to get to the level of

you're lucky to see me right and that's what I meant I meant like when people come to see the KFC radio show and you two are doing it live i mean lucky like in other words like i'm so happy to be here to watch these two have passed time for me and made my day better yeah that's a good thing that right i don't mean like oh you know i slipped on a banana peel and i fucking filled up

madison square garden that would you'd have to look in the mirror but it's like you're a little fucked up you can do it and you should do it right Ride that wave. Like I said, go ahead. Not knocking it. You gotta be like, this is gonna, this is, this is, uh, this is like the Cinderella. Like, the clock's gonna strike midnight one day, and it's gonna go away. I do think there is a thing though that, like, because that's the newer one, we look down on it and all that stuff.

But, like, I learned, I learned talking to Josh Richards, who we had on the show, actually on the show next week. Mods to YouTube, kid. Like, YouTube, TikTok kid, that, like, it's kind of like with overnight success. I think Louie has a joke where he's like, you guys think I popped overnight. I've been doing this for 30 years. Right. And even with Josh Richards, who's huge, you know, got huge on TikTok.

And he was telling a story. He's like, he's like, yeah, I was on Musical.ly when I was 15, 14. He just did it. He's like, I'm 20 now. It's a six year grind. Right, right. That's a pretty good run. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not like-year grind. Right, right. That's a pretty good run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like a 30-year. Yeah, Louis said, I've been doing comedy 34 years, and I was happy for four of them. Yeah, right. I know. Yeah, you guys are sick of that. Because nobody sees that we were. Dude, I was in somebody's living room three years in, having adults sit Indian-style, using an empty Corona bar.

I was standing on soda crates in bars in Jersey with tvs on people are eating meals looking on the side yeah people don't see that right like oh dude this dude got a netflix special like well was that happened it's like no it didn't happen it's been a long time shitty condos and you know certain things and so people don't know that right right i mean that's i think what makes you able to like really like uh you you know that you know what i. I mean, that's, I think, what makes you able to, like, really, like, you know that. You know what I mean? Of course. So every time you take the stage, you know that.

Of course. That's what it's about, man. So, I mean, this is, what's the name of the special? Nocturnal Admissions. Nocturnal. Why is that? Well, I say. Without giving it away, but, like, is there a.

In the special, I talk about how, like, I've always been, even from a little boy, a nocturnal creature. I'm that. I thought you were going to say you're just always coming in your pants at night. Oh, no, no. Even when I was a little kid, even now, I'm just still wet dreams all over. I had wet dreams forever. You know what? I missed a good wet dream.

I still never had one. Really? Never had a wet dream. Ha. I feel like I still get close, but then I wake up. And I'm like, this is weird. No, I didn't, but I thought I might have. This is weird.

I remember my first wet dream, and it was because of the mannequin, the movie Mannequin, with Kim Couture. And I had a dream. Dude, I had a dream about her and mannequin. And I just woke up, and I was like, what does this even mean? But I don't know. I guess it depends on how you sleep. Like, I'm a sleep talker and sleep walker and shit.

So I'm often like in between awake and not. Oh, okay. So if I'm about to have one, it feels real, dude. Like, I'm like in my head, I'm like, this is, you know. I'm opposite. I'm a log. Yeah, so you just wake up with cum in your pants. I'm on the verge and I'm like, and then I will wake up and i'll be like oh man that wasn't

real but it felt like it was for like a few seconds there i thought that i was fucking you know keep control from mannequin i've had one time this is years ago i had one time where i was having a sex dream maybe i would have come here yeah i was having a sex dream and i was not to toot my own horn, but I was giving it to her good. And I was like, I guess I was humping in bed and the girl

was a girl in bed with me who thought I was having a seizure. So she woke me up. Oh, that's great. And she's like, are you okay? Are you okay? And I, I'll be honest here too, I wasn't fucking her in the dream,

so I let her go with the seizure. I was just like, yeah, I had a headache. I was like, I had a headache. Rather than just say it was you, you said it was a seizure. I was like, I don't know what's happening. Thank God you woke me. My left side went numb. She's like, what was that?

You were shaking fingers. I was like, I don't know. I don't know. That must have been crazy. Dude, I was fucking is what I was doing. Ow. Ow. This is one of those moments.

I yell at him all the time. We've been doing this for 10 fucking years, and I don't know that story yet. 10 fucking years. I don't know the seizure. Wet dream story? That might have to make the live show. For real. Goddamn.

That's unbelievable, dude. And the fact that there's somebody with you in the bed. But no, I would say I'm a nocturnal dude, and then I was talking about a lot of things in my life, so we were going over things, and it was like, nocturnal admissions. It's a play on words. You're admitting stuff. You're nocturnal, and it ended up, and when you see

the graphics of it, it's sick. Dope. Love it, man. It's out now, right, as we speak? Oh, Thursday. Oh, Thursday, yeah. So go give it a watch. Paul's out now, right, as we speak? Thursday. Go give it a watch. Paul Verzi, Nocturnal Admissions. Congratulations, man. Thank you so much, man. Thank you guys for having me, man. I really appreciate it, man. Thank you. You want to go next door to Answer the Internet? Are we set up for that? Do you have time? Yeah.

Oh, can I plug my dates? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I will be June 30th through July 2nd. I will be at the American Comedy Company in San Diego and July 22nd and 23rd I'll be at Zany's in Rosemont and I got Michigan coming up in July all the dates are on paulverzi.com

that's V-I-R-Z-I and this Thursday June 23rd Nocturnal Emissions Netflix thank you for having me how much do you love when you go to San Diego versus going to like I don't know Cleveland Cleveland's beautiful How much do you love when you go to San Diego versus going to, like, I don't know. Cleveland. Yeah. Cleveland's beautiful.

Cleveland, I like it. No, no. Cleveland hilarity is one of the best in the country. It's just what you do during the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like where you stay. You're just kind of like, man, what do I do? You go to the mall.

I'm not going to go to the gamble. Right, right. Gambling during the day សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.