KFC Radio - Mark Cuban, Jimmy O. Yang, and The Ghost of TikTok's Future

Episode Date: October 15, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -Adam Schefter's funny tweet -Who was the first person to do CPR? -Celebrities who unexpectedly took their shirts off -The Tik Tok kids are coming after us -AITA Thursday -Voicemails (01:51:00) Mark Cuban stops by the show. He tells us stories about becoming a young billionaire, partying around the world, seeing the Dream Team on an impulse decision, and many more wild stories. He gives us his thoughts on people complaining about ratings, tells us an incredible story about how he helped Delonte West, and we play Answer the Internet. (02:21:00) Jimmy O Yang returns to the show and now he's a leading man! He tells us about his new movie The Opening Act, how he got to work with so many stand up comedy icons, reflects on how his early days in stand up, and how doors have opened up since his latest special (Good Deal on Amazon). Check out The Opening Act this Friday October 16th! Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @FeitsBarstool @FunnyAsianDude @MCuban Subscribe to our Youtube for daily clips: youtube.com/c/kfcradioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I was a piece of shit one time in my life. And it don't change. You just put on weight and it hurts to sleep. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. There, um... There's a lot of people I mean we've had a lot of enemies throughout the days

Here at Barstool Sports I agree but I couldn't list them right now Like when they come back into my life I'm like I fucking hate that person But as I sit here right now I don't know how many I could list You wanna try? Sure Jamie O'Grady.

Okay, I remembered him. I couldn't think of his name. He's a medium guy. Yep. Okay. Barstool as a whole? Sure. Sam Ponder. Barstool as a whole before four years ago. Because now there are just too many people. Agreed. Like Barstool as a whole.

Back when it mattered, yeah. When everyone was fighting the same person. Now, like, someone can be in a feud and, like, I don't even fucking notice. So is Sam Ponder making the cut or is she too new? No, Sam Ponder, she was old. I mean, I was living, I wasn't even living with Lulia in Boston. So I was living with my older man in Boston. So that was long.

Sam Ponder. You know? Z, it's hard. It's like it's one of those things where you just – I think almost like we keep using the reference with sports today that like there are just too many on, and that's not really true anymore because it's all – but in the heyday of the post-seasons,

it was like starting at 11 a.m. every day. We were overwhelmed. Five sports on. Yeah. And I think early days of Barstool, there were probably just so many feuds. Also, we're not driven. Like, Dave can probably rattle these people off. This is why he lives, you know what I mean?

Yeah, he's got champagne bottles for him. Right. Yeah, he can literally be like, okay, let me read off the engraved champagne bottles. But one that has been there for a long time. Oh, KO Barstool. Like, the whole. And As K.O. Barstool. The whole. Anna Sembor or whatever. But one that has been there all the time

and I think we don't talk about because she, I think, makes such a big stink is Julie DeCaro. She's been around for a minute. She's become like Voldemort where she's just the one with no name. She shall not be named. Because then one person will get in their mentions.

Don't do it. I feel like I don't have to warn our audience not to do it. But I also don't care anymore. I mean, I don't ever want anybody being harassed, but she's gone full troll. Yeah. So now I feel like you're mixing it up on the internet and saying ridiculous shit. Ridiculous shit is going to happen. And she's from Chicago, and I remember Dan being like i don't want like that drama and i was like all right you know

i'll respect like your city because because i got i got it i got mixed up with her when i i said that she should uh take her son shine him up real nice turn him sideways and stick him right up her candy because she said it's so It's so ridiculous, it's funny. Yeah, come on. I'm not saying you should literally put your son in your ass. I'm a human of your ass. Yeah, come on. That's just crazy.

But the latest, she now works for Deadspin. Which, by the way, congrats to Deadspin. You're still a thing. Are you at this, though? I mean, it's just unbelievable. Even for Deadspin standards this is stooping to a level that is laughable like there are even it is one that they are like because i don't really get mixed up in this stuff anymore i unfollowed them just because i

didn't want to get mad about seeing some stupid article that fucking even the author doesn't really care about that much and but this was one that came across the timeline via retweet or quote tweet or whatever it was and it was jaw-dropping it was it's one of the i'll give her this this is one of the funniest articles i've read in 2020 this is unintentionally yeah yeah she wasn't going for it this is one of the funniest blog posts yeah so this uh this is filed under Adam Schefter sucks. It says, breaking. Adam Schefter is a vacuous turd who embodies white male privilege. And I'll read a little bit of it.

Not a lot of it, because, come on. Sports media is overpopulated by privileged white people, myself included, but it's especially populated by privileged white men who are never called to account for their privilege or use it in any constructive way. America seems, by and large, okay with this. The, quote, leave politics out of sports crowd is effectively shouted down and exhausted those of us who keep insisting that sports is not

and has never been apolitical. For the most part, we try to pick our battle. Hang on, let's find a better part. Let's find a... Sometimes a white media person does something that evidences such terrible judgment, such lack of compassion or care for the people they cover, that it merits calling them out on it. Witness, then, this tweet from ESPN's Adam Schefter.

And this is the tweet, October 13th. He said, three weeks from today is a hugely significant day with potential ramifications for years to come. The NFL trade deadline. Funny. Funny joke. That's a fine, that's a clean shot. That's a good joke.

When you read the top half, three weeks from today is a hugely significant day with ramifications, you're thinking election day. You read the bottom half, plot twist, M. Night Shyamalan. Plot twist, the NFL reporters talking about the NFL. And I was going to say, for a guy like Schefter, for a guy like Rap Sheet, for a guy like the other one, I don't know. This is their election day. This is their thing.

This is what matters to them. And the fans they're talking to would appreciate this humor and appreciate that it is an important moment for their sport. Joey DeCaro says, see, because you think he means the presidential election, but he actually means the NFL trade deadline. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the premise of the joke. And it's not like a set up in the punchline. Yeah. Congratulations for explaining jokes. And I'm not telling you that Adam Sheff, that was the funniest joke I've ever heard. But for what he does and who he is and what he covers,

it's kind of like a fucking NFL nerd reporter. It's pretty fucking funny. Makes you chuckle. Good job, Shefty. Good job, big boy. This is where it just gets crazy. This is where it just gets crazy. This is a poor attempt at humor during a good year

and a fuck you to every non-white person who has been and continues to be deeply affected by the actions and policies of Donald Trump in 2020. While the president continues to refuse to disavow white right supremacy. Shout out to Jamel Hill, who was light years ahead of the rest of America on this one. While COVID continues to ravage black and brown communities at two and a half times more than the white ones. While people wait in line to vote upwards of 11 hours in Marietta, Georgia, this is the joke Adam Schefter decided to make. He doesn't have to worry about any of these things, you see.

As a white man with a high-paying gig, he doesn't have to think about the same things you do. He'll continue to do well no matter who sits on the Supreme Court, no matter who occupies the Oval Office. Schefter has built his career and reputation on a coverage of a league that is 70% black. It's also a league that is run, coached, and covered overwhelmingly by white men. I have a pretty good

idea who the audience was intended to be for Schefter's tweet, but I hope the guy he covers in the league sees it well and remembers that next time they decide who they trust with their stories and information. I mean, holy fuck. I don't disagree with some of her points.

I agree it is an important election. I agree waiting in line 11 hours to vote is a bad thing. I agree COVID is a bad thing. Everything I say until Election Day doesn't have to be reverting to Election Day. I can make fucking jokes. I can say whatever the fuck I want. You could list off horrible things happening in the world anytime someone tweets anything. Yeah, every time Rob Schneider makes a movie, there's an oil spill.

Anytime someone is using their platform to crack a joke, to talk about something trivial, to mention sports, to discuss something inconsequential, you could say, there's no clean water in Flint, Michigan.

Which, is that still true? Because that's awesome. I think so. I think so. Didn't Elon Musk say he was going to fix that? Yeah, where you at, Elon? Where you at, Elon? Elon Musk also said he's going to go to Jake Jupiter.

He doesn't do things he says. Yell at Elon Musk, Julie DeCaro. I feel like, you know, you could. There are people getting their limbs chopped off for blood diamonds. Why are you talking about reality TV? Like, I mean, and by the way, she covers sports too. So like at all times, I think she's not mad. She's mad that like he like implied.

Yes, I understand it. I get it. But there can still be humor in the world of politics and you can still make a joke about election day or the president or any of this shit without implying without that meaning that you're a white privileged male who like Schefter fucking press send and was just like

I'm gonna go back to my ivory throne where I don't have to worry about any social issues. Give me a fucking break man. It must be exhausting to be hurt that's the pleasure I take from it that you know that she just despite how much you annoy me

I only have to live with you in my life very rarely you have to live with you in your life 24 7 you have to live in that head all day ever it's one of those things where it's like I'm glad you're not getting the death penalty because it's worse to live in prison.

Sit in your own mess. It's worse to live in your head than it is the rare time I come in contact with you, and I just kind of think, again, I loved this article. I thought it was great. I thought it was really fucking funny. I thought it was unbelievable. I thought the headline, 10 out of 10.

It's all great. For the wrong reasons, but great. I mean it was unbelievable. I thought the headline, 10 out of 10. It's all great. For the wrong reasons, but great. I mean, it's an Onion article. It is. It really is. It's truly an Onion article. This person made a joke about football

and the election. Let's hang them. Crazy. And, and... But the fact that she has to go on, like, I will talk about her today and maybe we'll talk about her again in two years.

Right. Julie DeCaro's got to talk about Julie DeCaro. Every second. And more importantly, she talks about her and she's got to talk about her today, and maybe we'll talk about her again in two years. Right. Julie DeCaro's got to talk about Julie DeCaro. Every second. And more importantly, she talks about her, and she's got to talk about herself. She's got to talk about us every single day, and she hates us. She put out a book, and the description for the book mentions us. Oh, really? That is crazy.

You know, the old real estate in your head type shit is played out. But, I mean, in her description, it says, Covering everything from the abusive online environment at Barstool Sports to the sexist treatment of Serena Williams and professional women's teams fighting for equal pay and treatment. It's like, Oh, that was, let me just take a fucking big fat shit in my hand and throw it at the wall, huh? Let me shit my son out and throw it at the wall, huh? Let me shit my son out and throw it at the wall.

I'm so mad about this. Oh, man. And by the way, you cannot cover. What is all that? You cannot cover anything about the environment at Barstool Sports without fucking talking to us or someone or knowing, having any sort of like inside information or knowledge. So to throw that in your book description is like, I know that every day you wake up thinking about us and every day you go to bed thinking about us and thinking about how every. I mean, it's not even just us. It's just everything that you think about

must be awesome somebody what was the latest example ah fuck i tweeted something the other day and i just got the like uh you know like well that's you know it's because of liberals like you and i was just like i and i hadn't it was totally apolitical you know and i just i was like i cannot believe how how how i can't believe you live like this, where everything is a thing. Everything is a fight and a and a and a deeper meaning and a vacuous fucking human turd, white privileged man who is taking advantage of his status in society. Like poor fucking Schefter decided to try to make people laugh one time. One time he said, I'm going to make somebody laugh. And this is what he gets.

I'm going to bring joy to someone's life so they don't just reply like, fire Gase or whatever. I'm just going to have a pretty fucking innocuous tweet where I'm just like, well, maybe everyone's going to chuckle out of this. Right. And they're not going to tell me to announce the A.J. Green trade. Where I'm just like, well, maybe everyone is going to chuckle out of this. Right. And they're not going to tell me to announce the A.J. Green trade. We're not going to demand

to announce the Pat signing Le'Veon Bell. Right. That's all people replied to him with. They fucking blame him for the moves. He's like,

everyone fucking hates my mentions at all times. Period. Yeah. I'm just going to go with some fucking bland. A little misdirection. A little twist on the end there.

A little M. Night at the end can you believe it i was talking about football all along you know oh chapter's talking about ball you know he's still talking about football but i mean truly seriously if you are i i i think this a lot when when when you write articles about sexism assault racism blah blah blah and you pick the wrong targets i do believe it minimizes everyone else who is who it's real for and picking adam goddamn chef who by all accounts has a flawless reputation he is the the... Didn't he, like, raise that kid? Oh, yeah. No, his wife's husband was killed in 9-11. Oh, that story.

At E60, I was a fucking puddle. I was weeping. Mr. Schefter. He was, like... But even, like, aside from that, like, in his personal life, he's also, like, I don't think I've ever heard an industry professional talk bad about him. There's never been a moment of sexism. There's never been a moment of sexism.

There's never been a moment of racism. Everybody loves him. He does his job exceptionally well. Does it with a smile. He goofs around. He plays along with the bit, but he takes his time. Yeah. I think it was actually today, five years today,

or whatever one of those fucking tweets are. Today was him doing the Lambeau leap. Yeah. You ever seen Adam Schefter do the Lambeau leap? It's hilarious. Yes. It's so funny. Adam Schefter do the Lambo leap? It's hilarious. It's so funny. Adam Schefter being fucking Ray Lewis. Hilarious.

He'll play into his fucking, I'm a nerdy little fucking dude. Yep. And he'll have fun with it. Remember the chair? Remember the chair? Oh, yeah. It's the best. That chair beat the shit out of Schefter.

That chair. My guy just rode that thing right into hell. It was like an elevator. It was just slowly going down. I got no control of this because my feet don't touch the ground. He's a nice guy. You know what he's going to be? He's going to be a great old guy.

He's going to be a great grandpa. You know, like Grandpa Schefter. And when you pick him to write, I don't know, I'm sure that was 10,000 words. I'm sure that just kept going and going and going. You are wasting your time. You're wasting your reader's time. And you are wasting, like, bullets in this war. You know what I mean?

It's like if you wanted to do something. Julie ran out of bullets. Oh, she never had bullets. She never had any bullets. But God damn. I mean, it's like, if you wanted to do something Julie ran out of bullets. She never had bullets. But goddamn. It's sad. And at this point, wildly ineffective.

I can't imagine. Like I said, I'm glad she's trapped in her own head. But I feel awful for her kids. They're up her ass. Oh, fuck. Mom's coming home again. God, I don't know what she's going to want to talk about at dinner tonight. But, like, she just hits her kids with lectures.

They're like, Mom, can we just please talk about my homework? Or, like, ask me what I did at school today so I can fucking finally once give you one answer. No child in the history of that question has ever given an answer. What did you learn at school today? I don't know. That's a one answer. No teen, no child in the history of that question has ever given an answer. What did you learn in school today? I don't know. That's a blanket answer. Their kids fucking try and filibuster her when she asks. If I stop talking, she's going to bring up white male privilege.

So just keep going. It's almost like, you know, you've got to be ready to carry the baton. I've got to take a breath. You keep going. Jesus Christ. I mean, every single thing is white male privilege, sexism in sports, women in the media. Josh, shut up. There are fair points to be made in those things, but you just don't get to make them anymore because you are bad at it, one. And two, insufferable.

That's it. That's like like you know what i i had the other night i got high what up and and what's up drugs i was well i was already i'd finished i'd completed smoking the marijuana and i was laying in bed i completed the smoke and i was laying in bed. I had completed the smoke. And I was laying in bed watching Seinfeld on Hulu, and a CPR scene came up. And I laughed to myself for five to seven minutes, just thinking about the first person who gave CPR a whack. Just like, oh, Tim drowned. Did you try kissing him?

And then like what like you should go kiss him and then they didn't throw a punch in his chest and i was just there high laughing hilarious hysterically loving life and i was just like well now thinking back on my poor juliette cars never had just one of those moments in her life just that one where she's just stupid high thinking about something stupid. CPR is so rudimentary that it works. It's just like, oh, well, his lungs aren't working and stuff, so just squeeze them. Just squeeze the lungs and it'll do the same thing. Punch him in the heart. And it's like, yeah, it works. It works.

That's got to be one of the only things that is that stupid that does work. He's out of oxygen. Give him yours. I've got some. Do you want some of mine? Sure. I don't fundamentally understand CPR. It's because it's carbon monoxide I'm blowing out, right?

Dioxide. If you're blowing out carbon monoxide, you are in trouble. I smoked a lot as a kid. If you, yeah, so you get the heart going and the lungs, you get the lungs going with the kissing. And you get the heart going with the compressions. But I'm not breathing in breathable air.

No, but I think it just gets your shit going. I think. I don't know. My guess would be the pumps get your heart going, the breathing, even though it's carbon dioxide, it gets your lungs pumping. There's still a decent amount of oxygen. So it's not a lot, but it's enough to keep you going. It's a kickstart.

When you exhale, it's what? Like 80% dioxide? They actually say now just to skip the breaths and just do compressions. Just do the compressions, right? Because that's more important. Necrophilias around the world are like, we're going to stick with that. I don't know if the science is out on that one. You have to keep kissing Samantha.

By the way, you know if you do it right, you break their ribs? Yeah. That's the Heimlich. The Heimlich might be if you do it wrong. The Heimlich, if you do it wrong, you could make them shit themselves. Oh, that's hilarious.

If you go below the navel and squeeze, they'll shit on you. Oh, below the navel. If you go below the navel, you're doing it wrong. If you grab my fucking prick while you give me the Heimlich. It might work, actually. I mean, I almost just pissed myself right there. I threw it to myself. I actually walked by Ebony yesterday.

I think she's mad at me. Yeah, guess what? No, yes. she's mad at me because – Yeah, guess what? No, yes. She's mad at everyone all the time. She had her arms up, and she was kind of coughing and laughing, and I was just like, oh, and I just walked by. And she then goes, I'm fucking choking, and I'm like, you're speaking. International sign of choking.

Nick was like, if you can speak, you can fucking breathe. People are like, if your fingers touch the ball, you should catch it. You're a heckling, Ebony. She died. But yeah, I just completely walked by. And then I'm like, I'm just going to avoid her for the rest of the day and hope she forgets that. Might as well just make it the rest of your life. I would imagine Ebony thinks we're all the same.

I think she knows like three of us. She'll punch me in the face because you walk by. She's a dumb white boy. That's it. I mean, Ebony came back, and then so did Tiffany, the mailwoman. She just started coming back around because she was like, oh, my friend's back. So she popped in, and nothing changed. She started shaking those tits again.

She shakes them in a circle. Who's been delivering our mail? She's been doing it? He hopped in and like nothing changed. Just started shaking those tits again. He shakes them in a circle. And it's just absolutely unbelievable. Who's been delivering our mail? She's been doing it? I don't know. She's been fucking putting it in a storage locker? He came back with tons of it for months because Ebony was back. And those tits keep shaking, man.

Did you see the big pair of tits on the internet yesterday? Oh, Cardi B. Cardi B's nipples are brought to you by. Oh, you want to body talk two people? I got another one. Yeah, you... We body talking two? Yeah, well, I'm going to say body shaming because one is hats off to you. Peyton Manning.

Really? Whoa, mama. Really? Alright, let's do a little KSC Radio The Body Issue brought to you by Miller Lite. Whether you are talking serious business like the election, whether you're talking about something completely innocuous and unimportant like the NFL draft, or whether you're talking about something,

or the NFL trade deadline, excuse me, or whether you're talking about the most important thing, like Cardi B's nipples. I mean, crack open up here, baby. If we're going to be talking Cardi B's nips, I need myself a nice Miller Lite. Every time, the kid. You can't tell?

I have really weak hands, I think. Yeah, I think so, too. No, no. I can do a sweatshirt. Barely. I can't twist it. I just don't get it. It's just he's holding the glass.

He doesn't hold the fucking. It's not the glass thing. It must be. It better be. No, I think it's just like, I think it's the arthritis. The arthritis. I would kill myself if I couldn't open a beer, man. Wouldn't that be?

That'd be like a Twilight Zone episode. Like a genie gives you three wishes on your third wish. You wish for all the beer in the world and you can't open it. I thought you were just going to be like, I don't wish to open beers. That'd be a good wish. Just the ability. That on your third wish, you wish for all the beer in the world, and you can't open it. I thought you were just going to be like, I wish to open beers. That would be a good wish. Just the ability. I'll buy my own beers. Just like, give me hand strength, please. Imagine that.

The genie would be like, hand strength? Yeah, my grandfather kept by the TV. Where do I buy one of those? They really did. They always had those things, right? And the other ones, the elastic ones, we just pull them apart. Anyway, great taste, less filling for your Miller Lite, whether you're talking about nipples or the election.

You always need some Miller Lite to, you know, inspires you a little bit. You throw a couple back and you have some better jokes. You have some more fun. You have some more fun. You make some more points. It's conversations always better when you got a Miller Lite in your hands. In a socially distant world, you can be doing it at home. You can be doing it over Zoom. You can be sitting six feet apart.

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Celebrate responsibly and drink that Miller Light. It's MillerLight.com slash KFC. Cardi B posted her nipples to her Instagram story yesterday, two days ago. And they were... Alarming. Awesome. Well, first of all, I want to make a clarification.

Not her nipples really are the interesting part. Her areola. The nipple's the mountain. The areola's the plane. Right. Not her nipples really are the interesting part. Her areola. The nipple's the mountain. The areola's the plane. Right. And the nipples were fine. The areola was breathtaking in not a great way. I gasped.

I gasped. I gasped. I was like, I love it. I love it. No. So in bed, personally, myself, I like regular nipples. Normal areola. Whatever.

But when I see something on the internet, I like it to be a little fucked up. Speaking of fucked up, how about you saw something fucked up, it was her face. She was wasted. She was drunk as shit. Yeah, yeah. So am I usually when I'm fucking, just gotta, if I'm ever in a position where my fucking two titties are hanging over each other. I ain't sober, son.

When gravity is pulling down your tits into each other, man. That's the worst. If I'm shirtless laying on the couch and I got a titty fucking migrating over to become one big titty. My other titty? Yeah. Become that big thing from Monsters, Inc., then I'm pretty fucked up. I mean, I don't have the tit problem as much as I have the belly. When I lay on my side and your belly just folds in.

And it like, I mean, there's a, it's bad. It is bad, bro. So yeah, her tits are all over the place. And her nipple, her areolas are the size of dinner plates. They are a full fucking dinner plate nipple. It's a big nip. It's huge. It's a big nip.

I zoomed in. Did I show you the Jupiter picture? Yeah. I mean, it looks like Jupiter with the nipple being the big red spot. The big red storm that's been raging on Jupiter for like a billion years. It had the curvature of a gigantic planet

with the spot of the nipple as a spot. My one buddy said that it looks like Antarctica on the bottom of the globe. It's all kind of like jagged. It's not smooth. It looks like the areola at the bottom of the globe. It's all kind of jagged. It's not smooth. It looks like the areola at the bottom of the globe is Antarctica just kind of creeping up.

And so here's my question. She was obviously shit-faced. Do you think that she meant to post this to her OnlyFans and fucked up? Does she have OnlyFans? Yes. Do you think that she just meant to post a picture of her baby fucked up? By the way, I followed Tyga on OnlyFans for, I forget, it was the rundown

of KFC Radio. Really fucking up my timeline. I bet. Just randomly Tyga's dick is on my timeline. You know you can unsubscribe. I unsubscribe when they keep you for the month. Oh, they're like, we got you. Yeah, I'm sure there's a mute. I've never really gone to

see the mute, but it's like, oh, oh, oh. Ah, son of a bitch. You really are in. You're on OnlyFans. I look at it at night. I look at it at night. It's not enough to jerk off to.

Right. But I got to scroll it like a Twitter feed. I only follow like 14, I think, people on it. But I'll like. So you have 14 subscriptions? Yeah. Yeah. You probably have... You probably pay upwards of... You probably pay

about $140 a month. We're going to subscribe to pretty much everybody right now. That is irresponsible. I mean... Right? I would imagine most of them are closer. Zach is like cackling. I mean, I would be willing

to guess that most of them are $10 a month I follow $13 so let's see you're pushing like $1500 a year on Christy Mac that was $10 I was already out on Maitland Ward that was just because she was on Asa's podcast recently from Boy Meets World to porn

man I went down an Asa rabbit hole the other day she inspires those yo i i i went down an asa behind the scenes uh rabbit hole man that girl she is a legend for a fucking reason i am proud to say that she was my former co-worker she goes so hard it is i mean it's for the love of the fucking game i bet you could have told us you're not gonna make any money and she would have fucked the same goddamn way that girl just loves fucking dick she she is a a showman she is a performer uh but yeah all right so who So who else? I mean, how? It was... Tyga? They're actually like all unfollowed.

So I actually had seen it. 14 people. So Maitland Ward. I had Adria Fox on there because she's out the game. She's only in the OnlyFans game. I had KC Radio listener Scarlett Snow. I had Abella Danger. What's her name?

Scarlett Snow. Yeah, I had Abella Danger. How's she? Not good? Abella... She posts pics on Twitter, too. Yeah. Skin Diamond, again, out the game.

Tyga. And then it's... Oh, Asa's free, though. Right. Again, legend. And then KFC Radio listeners. Can you imagine... Oh, and No Face Girl.

Can you imagine being like, I make so much money elsewhere? The weirdest thing, too, is like half of those people are just like KFC Radio listeners are like friends. Yeah. How is No Face Girls? Good. Yeah. No Face Girls is a strong one.

Because she'll post her fans' reactions to them, and they're always like, oh, my God. I was like, is this just like simps who are going hard, or is it really that good? No, they're strong. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But how about Asa being like, it'll be free. Yeah.'d be like she doesn't post a lot on it no but it is funny

to be like this is the number one like money making platform for people and it'd be like if we were like all right we'll do the podcast for free because we make you know money over here i think she has doesn't she have a pay one though she has like a model hub too i don't know what that is she got she has one of those pages where's like, here's a link to all my sites. So Pornhub got into the sex toy game, which is very smart, by the way. Because I think if I were to be like, let me go buy sex toys now, I think I would just be like, all right, I'm going to go buy the Pornhub line. Because I'm sure they're all the right ones and the new ones and what girls like. But she's making reels on Instagram where she's just like, let's unbox this and try it out.

And she just stuck a plug in her ass on Instagram. Really? You don't see it. But she just reaches back there and she's like, you can see her tongue's out. She was like, yeah, I would love if I was getting fucked in the pussy with that. I was like, Jesus, right on my Instagram feed.

Yeah, geez. Anywho. Back to Cardi B. Back to Cardi B. See, fuck. OK, B Cardi B's nipples Made fun of them They're jarring no doubt But I like a nipple that has a personality You're so weird

Those nipples have personalities Kevin Those nipples tell a tale Let's name those nipples I'd probably be able to read it if I was blind But it's just a fucking story To those nipples. And I'd probably be able to read it if I was blind, but it's just a fucking story to those nipples that I like. Let me, let's let's. I think the story is I have a baby, but

I have a human who tries to eat these every day. I still am confused because if you look at other pictures over on the red carpet and stuff with like extreme cleavage out, no sign of an areola anywhere in the scene. Apply right to the edge, though.

No, no, no. Yes, but I mean, there's no edge here, John. The nipples cover the whole tit. There is no edge. And I don't know if it's you pull them all the way over. Yeah, you go home or Simpson where you fucking just like pinch it all back. Yeah, yeah. I mean, her nipples are probably like under her armpits.

I mean, that nipple, that tit right there. It's a good tit. I mean, it's absolutely not, John. It is. It's horrific. Nah, that nipple's got a story to tell, man. That nipple. Yeah, that story is my nipples are a fucking catastrophe.

Gather around for my story. It's a catastrophe here. You would see some nip there. Nah. I think that's perfectly on the edge right there. It's not. Yeah, it is. It's decidedly not.

But it's also like these are – the boobs are in a strange situation there. Like how she's laying down, how she's angled. I think if they're glued up like that – I'll accept the argument that they've been chewed on for a couple years. But, I mean, that really does. Were you talking about Mike Wazinski from Monsters, Inc.? Is that the one-armed, like the big? Yeah.

It really does look like that. Because even like it's got like the hair almost. You know what I mean? Like those two little. I mean, that really is Billy Crystal from Monsters, Inc. You've seen Monsters, Inc. a lot more recently than I have. Yeah, pull that up, man. I think I've only seen it once, and I couldn't tell you any of the voices in it.

But I'm seeing... But see, look, there's the two little ears. See the two ears right there? And then there's a little bump in the head there. Nick, you need to Photoshop that ASAP. If there was just two arms hanging and two legs and a mouth, that is Mike Wazinski.

Yo, she's got her fucking eggs are sunny side up. They look good, man. It looks like a fucking oil spill, man. I'm just going to let that linger. It looks like a oil slick in a puddle, you know? It does look like a topiary map, for sure. Yeah, it looks like a...

It looks like a map that Columbus drew. You know how it's always a little gray and, like, on the... It's on parchment, not paper. I will shoot you straight. I don't even know if that's a good description or not, but if you tell someone yo, your titties look like Christopher Columbus drew a map on some parchment.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. God didn't make those. Yeah, that's exactly what it looks like. Exact right coloring. The exact correct coloring. God, she has got to be.

Not really. There's one person. God outsourced those nipples to a cartographer. There's got to be like a surgery to correct this or something, right? I'm sure there's a surgery to correct everything, but don't correct those, girl. Those are fucking good. No, they're not. They are decidedly not.

No, I like them. Now, of all, if there's anybody out there who would be like, I could just see y'all being like, yeah, fuck y'all. My nipples are great. You know, she doesn't give a shit. But when you see that this has been accidentally posted by yourself to your own account, you must be like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, son of a bitch. God damn it.

Oh, my God. God damn it. My lipstick is smeared. This is a disaster. I mean, yeah, her face is not great either. I mean, this is I would absolutely enjoy titty fucking. Those are. God, I just...

You know. Just a terrible turn of events. But I guess Peyton Manning's got a great body. Peyton Manning, folks. Is he jacked? Let's on to fucking body talk, too. Let's cleanse our palate of that and get some more. Check out Peyton's washboard.

Peyton's washboard. Peyton. I think Peyton and the wife are going for a baby number whatever. I think she might be on some fertility drugs again. Because. He's flexing, bro. He's using whatever she's got. Yo. He's got like an eight pack.

Yeah. I mean, he's just flat out shredded. Yeah. I never understand that with athletes. I think. By the way, I feel like this is the only time we've ever seen him with his shirt off. Nah, I've seen him shirtless before. He was shirtless on like SNL and stuff.

Yeah? And he didn't look like this? No, fuck no. No. That's like the weird thing with athletes. I think depending on what position you play. Yeah. Like.

Well, certainly when you see like linemen. Being. Trimmed down. Being jacked and like, like. You're like Peyton Manning if you want to be the quarterback of the Denver Broncos the Indianapolis Colts

like your time is wasted doing sit-ups yeah it's you know like you're doing I also think

having a little engaging exercises he probably like slimmed down oh for sure slimmed down where you want like some mass on you

to fucking take hits and you know right oh he needs arm strength and like there are so many athletes where you're just like oh like

once their career is done you're not doing the vanity muscles then they have a completely different body. Joe Thomas is the most jacked person on the planet right now. Yeah. That's got to be so crazy. It's almost like when you – people used to say, Derek Jeter wanted to. He could hit 40 home runs a year. It's like, no, he fucking can't.

He just chooses to hit for contact. No, no, no. But these guys, it really is like, oh, if I wanted to have that body, I could. I'm an athletic freak. I can do whatever the fuck I want with my body. This thing, I can turn it into anything. It's just that doesn't make sense to my position. Brady looks like Veal.

Brady looks like, if you see Brady Shirtless, he doesn't have abs. He doesn't have fucking biceps. He doesn't have anything. He's all about fucking pliability and fucking being able to take a car accident. For sure, take something probably. Take a car accident and not tear muscles and shit like that. Because, I mean. I bet he's bendy as fuck, man.

He's pliable. I bet you Gisele just folds him up. Do you think that Gisele fucks Tom Brady? What do you mean? If there's one couple out there that I think gets into some pegging, I bet you it's Tom Brady. I bet you Gisele fucks Tom Brady. What do you mean? If there's one couple out there that I think gets into some pegging, I bet you it's Tom Brady. I bet you Giselle fucks Tom Brady. And I'm like more power to you.

If you're going to get fucked by a supermodel, go ahead. I can see that being a thing. I don't know about that. If that's what Tom likes, I hope that's what's happening. Man, I got a text from you this weekend about like a Hollywood rumor. But Tom is going to be a fairly conservative family in California, although I guess sometimes those are the ones where it's like you texted me this weekend about a rumor out in the sports world of somebody who used to get pegged by somebody else and it was

the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life we can't reveal names but I mean that is that's one of the funniest rumors I mean I've ever heard it's an old woman who pegged a younger man. I forgot about that. I forgot to text you that. I forgot I got that message. It's Saturday night, right? Saturday night got really off the rails. I hope that was just text messages.

I don't know why that came up, John. But yeah, I mean, god damn, Peyton, fucking good for you, pal. I mean, he looks great. He looks the best. I'll tell you what, his head's shrinking. Maybe he's not doing the steroids. Oh, that's true, yeah. Maybe he's off the steroids, getting some abs,

and the head is going back to a normal size. Because that head is... I mean, that head, that helmet just didn't even... It never fit him. You know, his helmet, he always had the red spots on his forehead. It was like, just get a bigger helmet, Peyton. It clearly doesn't fit you. It's clearly smushing your head.

You can deflate it a little bit. I've played football. I know how those fucking helmets work. Speaking of, you found that league where those, like, fucking rec league football where those kids, those guys play with no pads, no helmet, and they just play full contact tackle football. What is that even named?

AFL 7, I believe. AFL 7 is the most dangerous thing you'll see. They just play 7 on 7. And I think it definitively answers our question that scientists or whoever has posed for a few years now that would taking the helmets out of the NFL, would that take away concussions? And it turns out

the answer seems to be a resounding no. I mean, if these guys are the case study, it's a big fat no. It seems I couldn't get a good look at them. I'm pretty sure Brian Dawkins is in the league. Oh, wow. No, but are there real people in it? No. No. No. If you see some of the other, like, that was a quick

cut highlight of hits. Yeah. If you watch them play football. Yeah, not great. This is playing to the YMCA. But they are laying the wood, though. They're hitting the fuck out of each other. But, like, one of the wide receivers in one of the highlights on their Twitter feed, he

looked like Kelvin Benjamin ate Kelvin Benjamin. Yeah. And then the quarterback who threw him that ball had a worse arm than me. And it was like, and then he was in the end zone, like, doing, like, the LeBron stomp, and his stomach was just fucking jiggling all over the place. Ain't no pain out there. So get a wide out than me. And it was like, and then he was in the end zone, like doing like the LeBron stomp, and his stomach was just fucking jiggling all over the place. It's like, you're the wide out, bro. If anyone's supposed to be the long slender fella, it's you. You're wearing like number 88 and you're fucking jiggling and shit.

But I mean, those guys are, you know, those guys are like scumbags who got nothing to live for. And they're just out there trying to Uncle Rico that shit. They they are headhunting those guys yeah that might have been played in the prison yard right though it might have been convicts who were like look i'm that was that was like warring gangs yeah if you were if you were to take the park tonight yeah i'm gonna settle this once and for all right i'm bringing the pigskin if you if you were uh if they took away pads and helmets in the NFL And they were like I have to make millions

You do too I do think It's the ultimate like I don't think we'll ever know Because what if you're wrong You know what I mean like the first game Well didn't work that guy's dead Yeah his head cracked I don't think you can

I think you need to start Like in Peewee and, like – You can't grandfather anybody in because they don't know how to play any other way. You know what I mean? So you need to start at a certain point, and then when those guys reach the league, like the last guy who played with helmets is out, then we can start. You know what I mean? And if your test subjects are children,

it's a pretty immoral experiment we're running there. See, you can teach little Johnny how to fucking form tackle. Nope, no helmet. Again, didn't work. He's brain dead now. I was at the park, so Saturday

Shay plays baseball, and then we hang out at the playground there, and then there's baseball and then we hang out at the there's like a playground there and then there's you know there's a t-ball field but then there's like a real little league baseball a little league field and i watched this kid hit a fucking bomb the other day i mean colossal shot and i watched the pitcher just be like like put his head down and the t and the fathers were going wild and shit. And I was like, this is like, I guess I just haven't seen kids sports on display recently. I've heard about the participation trophies and shit. And people are like, we need to keep real competition in and whatever.

And this kid just put one that was probably like 390 feet. And the wall is like, you know, a buck 80. It was a monster shot. And the dads were like, yeah, that's right. That's right, Jimmy. Yeah. And I was just like, wow, this is a scene, dude. This is a scene.

The moms were like yelling and shit. There was like in the bottom of the sixth, there was like the team, like the team almost came from behind and the moms were going crazy, like nervous and shit. I was like, this is, these these kids are fucking, like, 11. I don't know what it is with parents that turn you into a psychopath watching your kid compete. But, like, I, as a child, like, had my team escorted out of the Barnesville hockey rink by the police because the parents of the other team were, like, too mad at us. And were, like, throwing shit.

And, like, the cops had to walk us out. I was like, I don't know, 12, between eight and 12. I was like, it was like, we was happening here.

It's fucking dude. I like there. I mean, the hockey in particular, they're famously nuts, but like even our little leagues, I remember like my dad, like guest umping once.

Yeah. And he's like, everyone was screaming at him and he like walked over the crowd. He's like, he's like, fuck everyone. him and he walked over to the crowd and he's like everyone shut your fucking mouth I'm just, I don't need to fucking be here, this is my job, the ump didn't show up he's drunk in the fucking storage shed

I'm just fucking doing this, I don't give a shit also by the way, if you keep running your mouth you're not going to get a call the rest of the night little Timmy's not going to see a fucking everything's a strike when he's up but all I know I think I used to be like, I want sons. I don't want daughters. I want to teach them sports.

I hate sports. I do not want my kids playing sports. Shay playing T-ball is so nerve wracking. I fucking hate it. Do you think that's what it is? Do you think the nerves turn into anger and rage? Probably. I think get so nervous that you're and you want your kid to do well and then when they don't you can't you feel helpless i mean shea just walking up to the plate as a fucking four-year-old to hit t-ball i'm like please hit it please hit it please hit it please

hit it then she's in the field and i'm like please don't hit it to her please don't hit it please don't hit it like anything where you're't hit it to her. Please don't hit it to her. Anything where you're alone too, you know what I mean? All eyes on you. Please do well. I hope they never play sports. I don't want any of my kids to play in sports. It's terrible. Yeah, get Keegs and fucking play.

We've always talked about that. Yeah, I want- Get him in a theater company. Absolutely. I need them to start fucking dancing. Yeah. And I'll send them to hip hop with Shea. They could dance away. That's the life for me.

I'm not trying to do any fucking. Fuck sports. Sports are the worst. We got a couple. We have maybe the best interview we've ever done with Mark Cuban. Because, and I say that. We say that a lot. This is the best.

This is the funniest. I mean, it's decidedly the only billionaire we've ever talked to, right? We don't talk to billionaires, have we? Did we do any other Shark Tank guys? I don't think we did. No, I don't think. I would be surprised if we got another billionaire on the roster. And you wouldn't know it, because he is like... I mean, he's exactly how we're expecting him to be.

I'm not like, wow, Mark Cuban's nice. Yeah, but he's not... I didn't think he was gonna be that chill, like that normal. He's just a regular dude. I mean, dropping motherfuckers, talking about getting shit-faced, doing donuts in the Red Square. Right, and like, what'd you do with your money? Fucking party, dude. You're an idiot, you know? He's just a regular drop in motherfuckers doing donuts in the red square. Right. And like, what'd you do with your money?

Fucking party. Yeah. You're an idiot. You know, like, I love you. We're just honest about it. And we'll talk about it after the interview. But, you know, he spent his money in ways that I think were made up for him. He is unbelievably cool.

I'm probably in the doghouse, though. My mom loves Mark Cuban, and she wants him to run for president desperately. She's like, why doesn't Mark Cuban run? He would win. Because it sucks being president. He's a billionaire sports owner. He's having fun. Right.

But I thought, I mean, did I say this on the air? I don't think I did. I was worried about talking about political topics with him and the China stuff. Because I thought that's where the conversation was going to go. So I planned on bringing up, my mom wants you to run for president. And I was hoping to maybe get him to just on the way out,

just give a little shout out like, hi, Kathy. And none of that happened because we were talking about booze and pussy. It's like, sorry, mom. We weren't talking about you or politics. I was talking about fucking Russian girls and stuff. So unbelievable interview with him. And we also got our boy Jimmy O. Yang, who has made it to the top as a leading man, which I couldn't be happier for a guy.

He's grown with us. So he's gone from bit character to the best friend. He was definitely one of our first interviews. Yeah, for sure. I had no idea who he was at the time. No, me neither. He was definitely one of our first interviews. Yeah, for sure. I had no idea who he was at the time. He was promoting a book called How to American. I was like, I just read he's a strip club DJ.

I was like, alright, I'll fuck with this guy. Two interviews and of course voicemails. Of course we got our Am I the Assholes? We got a bunch of those today. But first, I, John, I'm caught up in the world of TikTok. And I need you to throw me a lifeline. It's brought to you by Fubo TV. Now, I bet to the kids on TikTok, I've never, they don't even know what cable is.

I bet you if you were like, I bet you if you asked them what's a cable box, they would have no idea what that means. No, cable box is still pretty prevalent. What's a cable box? If you don't have a cable. I mean, but you know what, plenty Plenty of people still have cable boxes. I don't think those kids do. When I was growing up, I knew what an 8-track was.

Did you? Yeah. I didn't have one, but they were around enough that I knew what they were. I don't think I did. I mean, I definitely did. Did you... What... I don't even know what an 8-track is right now.

I don't know what an 8-track looks like. It's just one of the older cassettes. I don't know. My dad had it. So you did have it. No. I mean, he had them in a fucking box. But we didn't play music. I don't think those kids have ever seen a cable box.

They've definitely seen cable boxes. They're 20 years old. I mean, all right. I guess you're 20. They're 10 years old. If you're 16. Chord cutting started like five years ago. They grew up with cable boxes. I just don't think that's true. If you're 50 years old, started like five years ago. They grew up with cable boxes.

I just don't think that's true. If you're 15 years old, I bet you don't know. Your family had cable, right? As long as your family had cable, you watched television? I guess. If you watched television as a child, if you were a 15-year-old, you had cable. Their parents are like 29. They had cable!

They had cable! I don't think so. If you're a 16-year-old, you must have watched television when you were a child. The only way you could have watched television as a child was with a cable box. With Fubo TV. That was 10 years ago we're talking about. Fubo TV. That's now.

We're talking about them as kids. This is 10 years ago. Fubo TV is for people who are sick of cable. You can get your live sports, your news, your primetime TV, no complicated contracts. If you hate your cable company, if you don't want to pay the prices, if you want to just have it all digital and all streamlined for you and tailored to what you watch with no extra bullshit that you don't watch,

Fubo TV is the answer. $65 a month with all the same channels that you want, nothing you don't want. Monthly cost of cable, over $200. This is just $65, and you don't pay for installation or any DVR. FuboTV is how you should be watching. If you're not, you're in the past,

you're paying too much money. You get over 100 channels, the cloud DVR, plus no hidden fees. You can stream everything you want, all on your smart devices. It's got major broadcasts. It's got cable networks, all your favorites. They've got the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, Premier League, La Liga, college sports, and more. And you can try FuboTV right now, seven days for free, to find out if you like it, to find out if it works for you.

Because there's still some trepidation over whether you're actually going to get the right stuff. So you can try it for seven days and make sure you like it uh seven day free trial plus 15 off your first month when you go to fubo tv.com slash kfc so you get it for like 50 bucks uh with no contracts you can cancel at any time when you go to fubo tv dot com slash kfc that's f- B O TV. Dot com slash KFC. These that's like asking me if I had ever seen a tape player because I had a CD player at 16. Yeah, bro. It was just for the fucking ad.

Hey, you were fucking pushing back hard. Well, I just wanted to do it for the fucking ad. Oh, you should have been like, yeah, you're right. It's just a fucking ad. Not a real argument to the fucking client. You were you. I thought you were serious about it. Some tick tock who are in the future. It's no, it's not a real argument to it it's for the fucking client you were babe you i thought you were serious about it kids of tiktok who are in the future it's no it's goodness thing you use but they've seen a cable box what i can't believe do you wear all the pants in your abs do you

actually use all the products that we're talking about goodness gracious uh these kids are are a menace to society they are they they're so mean they're they've grown up on the internet i thought they were supportive i don't know marty was talking about that okay see sometimes you just go with things marty was talking about how nice the tiktok kids are i was like uh okay i feel like they are uh they've grown up on the internet and you know the internet is a horrible place and they are like they're like cut from iron like they've grown up on the Internet, and the Internet is a horrible place, and they're cut from iron. They're forged in fire on the Internet. But Dave is walking into the TikTok world and just dropping a stick of dynamite and walking out. And then these motherfuckers at the TikTok shade room, the TikTok room, they had one post with two swipes on it.

And the one post is Dave and audio of his podcast where he's talking about how Josh Richards used Nessa and all these things. He's just stirring the pot. And then you swipe and it's a video of me. So they assume I'm the same fucking guy. Why? Because it's Dave talking, but then a video of me. So they're just like.

Well, there's a picture of Dave, right? I don't think so. Oh, okay. It's just like a screen recording of the Apple podcast. You just see the TikTok. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So they're like, who the fuck is this old guy?

And it's like, we both are. It still makes sense. But I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was not me. I'm not up in here claiming that some TikTok guy is using another TikTok girl because I want no smoke with the teenagers. We said for years, I don't like to even be out in the streets of Manhattan when the normal kids are walking around. I certainly don't want any smoke. I've come around on that, by the way.

I've started just puffing my chest out. I'm bigger than you. You finally are not afraid of that. You might think mean things about me, but I ain't fucking kick your ass, you little 10-year-old. I'm finally not afraid of the 10-year-olds. Yes. You made it, bro. I don't know what happened.

I think maybe it was just not seeing them anymore for a while because of summer and being home and all that. I came back, and I was probably just like, I'm not going to be scared of you anymore. You're Kevin McAllister in Home Alone. I'm not afraid. You hear me, I'm not going to be scared of you anymore. I'm not going to let you. You're Kevin McAllister in Home Alone. Yeah. I'm not afraid. You hear me? I'm not afraid anymore. I don't feel like you little fucking shits run my life anymore.

I'm going to walk down the streets whenever I want to. Well, I'm still decidedly afraid of them. And I don't want. You know what is funny? If they really wanted to. And this is more like the fans. Like none of the actual TikTok people are saying anything to me. But if they wanted to, they could win like any argument they wanted. Because at the end of the day, they still could play like the fans like none of the actual tiktok people are saying anything to me but if they wanted to they could win like any argument they wanted because at the end of the

day they still could play like the i'm a kid card like they could they make more money than me they're more popular than me more successful than me but if i ever like came back at them too hard they'd be like you're an old man picking on a 15 year old kid i'd be like well yeah like it's a total lose lose i either lose because i'm actually like a loser compared to them or i lose because i'm like fighting a 16-year-old boy. Either way, I'm completely helpless. How old is the kid that Dave does a podcast with? I think 18.

Yeah. He's always got one. So some of them are... He's always got an 18-year-old in his back pocket, doesn't he? A young, supple 18-year-old boy, Dave, is always there. It keeps scaling down, too. It started as a 20-year-old, and 19, 18, a young, supple 18 year old boy. Dave is always there. It keeps scaling down to start. That's like a 20 year old and 19, 18. We're just getting younger and younger here.

But yeah, Dave, Dave goes on and he's just like, oh, so, you know, you had more followers than that girl. And the kid's like,

yeah. And he's like, oh, so you must, she was using you. And he's like, well, I mean,

I, I may be, I don't know. And it's like, Dave, you know, Barstool sports. And Josh Richard says he's you. Nessa was using him. I's like, well, I mean, maybe. I don't know. And it's like, Dave, you know, Barstool Sports and Josh Richards says Nessa was using him. I'm like, oh, my God. And the one comment that said, why is this old man?

Why doesn't this old man go worry about his mortgage and stop talking about kids 15 years younger than him? I'm like, yeah, I'll take your advice. I do not want to be a part of this at all. Unless I can somehow get some of your money. If I can get some of that TikTok money. Otherwise, I want – I mean I cannot believe that Dave is doing this. I mean I can because Dave just told him to his face. He's just like, I'm using you.

Yeah. I don't know that he did that, but he essentially did by saying you necessarily used him. He's like, it's what I'm doing too you have more followers than me just so you know you young child I mean yeah listen he says that the things I do for this company he likes us

I don't know he did say what did he say the rundown yesterday he said that he ran out of shit to talk about after episode 1 you can't be having fun if you're like He did say, like, what did he say in the rundown yesterday? He said that he ran out of shit to talk about. After episode one. Yeah. So you can't be having fun if you're like, we have to re-record that podcast because he didn't have anything to talk about. Well, you know what?

He's like, we're going to have to figure out some things. I'm like, guess what? You're not going to. You're not going to figure out you have anything in common with him by next week. Yeah. If you don't have anything after one hour, you're not going to have anything after one week. Like, it's, unless you start, I mean, unless he starts living like an 18 year old which is entirely possible i guess it's not out of the

realm of possibility but i i feel like he wouldn't want to talk about living like an 18 year old dave's just benjamin button man just going backwards just just i i would just be like if i was him i'd be like i just can't i feel like once you hit i I guess, 30 is what I am now. You kind of just like, I got enough names in my life. You what? I got enough names. I'm done learning new names. I don't need to know the Ness's and the fucking.

Lil Huddy's. Lil Huddy's. Charlie D'Amelio. I just, I don't know if it's, I don't have the brain capacity. Sure, it could be it. I don't know if it's, I don't have the desire. Also, it could be it. I don't know if it's I don't have the desire. Also, it could be it. But I've been told their names a million times, and my brain's just like, dude, we're not interested.

I think that's kind of when you're officially getting old. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You hit 30, and it's just like, yeah. You just can't. Your brain doesn't. It's not that you could remember names. No, I don't think I can. No, you could. No?

But it's what you don't want to. That is not appealing to you at all. You start to get into soccer, and you learn Mo Salah, and you learn those guys. You like that stuff. But that was also a long time ago. I saw Liverpool like 10 years ago. 10 years ago.

I think it was in 2014. What year are we in? 2020? I was going to say, that's not 10. So 6. 6. 6 is 10. 6 is almost half of 10. Six. Six is 10. Six years.

Six is almost half of 10. Six years ago is 10 years ago. Oh, by the way, who said that the other night? Was it Monday Night Football or Sunday Night Football? No, it was Sunday because I was watching Red Zone. Scott Hansen said that the Chiefs have been dominating the AFC West for the better part of half a decade. I was like, what an odd way to say a few years.

I was going to say that's like three years. Two to three years, I guess. The better part of half a decade. What an odd way to say a few years. I was going to say that's like three years. Two to three years, I guess. The better part of half a decade. Three years. That's just a weird way to say it. Yeah, they've had a couple good seasons. Alex Smith was a quarterback four years ago. By the way, if we're talking about things that announcers are saying,

who's the cat on the Vikings? Every time Chris Collinsworth says his name, it sounds like he's saying Riley Reed. And if you, if you like search on Twitter, it's, it's Riley Reed. It's like,

it's something very similar to, I mean, Adam Thielen's the only one that popped into my head, but that can't be it. And also, I don't have an extensive knowledge of the Vikings roster. Riley Reef. Yeah.

And so I got tagged in a couple of tweets like, oh, is Chris Collinsworth a Riley Reif guy? So I searched on Twitter hoping that there's a video of it. And there's tweets from my 2017. Like every time the Vikings are playing and Collinsworth's on the call, he says Riley Reif. And people are tweeting like, he must be watching Riley Reif every night. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway, TikTok. What is your connection with TikTok?

I made one video. And then that's... Now I've got... Then they posted this video with Dave's podcast and I'm getting roped in, people thinking that I'm Dave. So all the comments on Instagram are at me thinking that I was the one.

Are you getting tagged? Uh, no, but like, uh, it's, it's, I saw like, I tagged you. Yeah. Like I'm getting tagged by people who know, but like the, the, the, the mean kids are not, they don't directly know. And I hope they don't. So what are you doing? Diving into the comments then?

They're just sending them to me. I'm not, I mean, I dove into the comments because I think it's funny. I mean, you know, as long as you think it's funny, I don't, I don't like people diving in the comments when they're going to them to me. I mean, I dove into the comments because I think it's funny. Okay. As long as you think it's funny. I don't like people diving into the comments when they're going to get their feelings hurt. I guess it is funny. Don't get me wrong. It hurts my feelings. But it's a 15-year-old telling me to worry about my mortgage.

And I'm like, yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah. I don't think a 15-year-old could actually hurt me. We say that. Because they are intimidating. And they probably are thinking some stupid joke that I could fucking just really eviscerate if they said it out loud. Yeah.

But, like. I think, like, an 11-year-old could hurt me. And then, like, a 25-year-old could hurt me. I think you start at. So it's like an ATI question. Like, what's the youngest kid who could beat you up? Youngest person who could emotionally destroy you

she didn't emotionally destroy me but Shay when they're so young that's what I mean it's almost like 15 is probably where you can't hurt me because I'd be like you're a fucking little shit you don't know anything but like a 4 year old Shay was like daddy you have a fat belly

I was like fuck because I know that was just pure honesty. But that's also just funny. Yeah. I think you've got to be like 25 or 40. Even like a four-year-old, you don't know what a fat belly looks like. You don't even know what a fat belly looks like. You're like, you haven't even seen fat.

You don't even know fat people. You're not around fat people. I'll bring you to the fucking office. I'll show you some fat people. Yeah, exactly. Then you'll know dad's fucking shreddedding kids uh but i i read those comments for like hoping to be you know hoping for them to be mean because it's funnier that way yeah it's when it's when they're uh when they know you like they don't yeah i guess it's that they're so young that it's ridiculous that i can i can

laugh at myself when when they're old enough that it's like you are just critiquing me and what I do and who I am, and it's not nice. I actually feel like you have to be my age. I think you've got to be 32. 32 to what is it? To hurt me with words. Well, we should all hope that it's no age, really. Yeah, but that's an unlikely case.

I'd always be able lot harder on like... As long as you're younger than me, I'd be like... You don't even know what life is, kid. You were born in what, 1989? Yeah. Like you've seen half the shit I've seen. I don't even know if it's an age thing. Maybe it's...

What if it's like a success thing? No, because I don't think it'd be successful to hurt my feelings. Eh, but I guess I'd still just be like like i think some of these kids if the actual tiktokers were to be like like bro you've been doing this podcast for like 10 years and like and you still like have a walk-up apartment i'm like i've been doing this for a year, and I drive a $400,000 car. And I'd be like, oh, fuck. You know? No longevity in it. You know, I'd be like, yeah, and you're going to die of a fucking heroin overdose.

So suck my dick. Yeah, like, it's not that I couldn't come back from it. Yeah, there's definitely an angle to be played there. So, yeah, well, like, you know, you're estranged from your parents, and you're going to die in a gutter soon. I assure you, you will wrap that car around a tree before you turn 27. Exactly. I promise you. You will commit suicide. You are for sure in the suicide demographic.

So there's a way to battle back from it, but I definitely think those kids, if you have more money, if you work, if you do the same thing as me, it's almost the younger you get, the more hurtful you can be because it's like, oh my God, you did this like instantly. You know what I mean?

You had way more success, way faster than me. But also, I mean, this aren't the same either. Well, you know, generally,

you know, more so than like a lawyer. Like if Jacob Tremblay comes on and he's like, you guys still fucking do a podcast? Like Jacob Tremblay, I'm going to fucking punt you through the door. But it's like, that really going to hurt my feelings.

We're talking about different mediums here. But we're all kind of in the same mediums. Like it's not really going to hurt my feelings. We're talking about different mediums here. But we're all kind of in the same mediums. It's all social media and stuff like that. You're not on the big screen. We're all using our phones and they're making millions doing it. They could crush me. When Lil Huddy fucking gets his girlfriend

her third abortion and she kills herself over it. And now you see what I mean? This goes back to what i said it's a lose-lose because either little honey makes fun of you or you are now coming up with a hypothetical situation where a 15 year old girl has had three abortions and 15 are they in my defense i don't know any of their ages. I think he's an older one. I think... They range from like 16 to 20. So either way... Wait, oh, I didn't know his girlfriend's an actual person too.

Yeah. All right, see, I'm pleading ignorance on all this. I thought he was just picking up some trailer trash. Listen, if it's some fucking... Where he fucking no doubt grew up. I'm talking about a hometown chick.

I'm talking about some other famous chick. I'm talking about a hometown chick. I'm not talking about some other famous chick. I'm talking about a fucking lot lizard off the PCH. Do you see how this trend keeps happening, by the way? Do you see it? It's like one hour into the show. Something happens. And you know what it is? and I love to see it. You are podcasting for yourself.

You are here to make yourself laugh. You love it. I'm some lot lizard. And you're laughing at yourself. Like, yeah, that's fucking funny, man. Fucking funny. Love it. Am I the asshole?

All these fucking kids are the assholes. You know what the answer is? Yes, you. You are the asshole. We are old, though. We are old, and so we suffer from stress and anxiety and exhaustion. That's the worst part about those little fucking kids. They're just like, yeah, my body doesn't hurt.

Yeah, I love how this went for me making a lot of fucking teenagers into being like, anyway, in order to sleep, I need a handful of fucking, I need a cocktail of medications. 10,000 milligrams of this and that. So I'm not pulling my hair out from stress constantly. I need drugs. you know what trump got for coronavirus i need that for a fucking nap bro regeneron or whatever right up my fucking ass I can't breathe it's so true man it's so true

once once like I would love to sit down with those TikTok kids and be like just wait until your body starts to betray you just

until that happens take off my shirt be like welcome to the fucking coast of Christmas future bitch I show my high school picture The Christmas future, bitch. I show my high school picture.

Like, I used to look like you, too. Here you go, kids. Welcome to fucking the future. I have tears streaming down his nose. I can see it. Oh, man. Like, yeah, man, it can be you. There was a time when that little fucking prick thought he was invincible, too.

I had these shorts. I had Madras shorts. I had a fucking choker necklace. Yeah, I was a piece of shit one time in my life. And it don't change. He just put on weight and it hurts to sleep. I can see the tears. The lights are shining off the tears. He just put on weight and it hurts to sleep. I can see the tears. The lights are shining off the tears.

My fucking stomach. My fat stomach is hurting from laughing too much. Yeah. TikTok kids, they don't need healists. We do. We do. Bro, the talking points here literally use the phrase, living in a constant state of anxiety and exhaustion. Oh, my God. Play that beat back.

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I mean, they've got all this stuff. Chamomile, lemon balm, essential oils. They have calm chews. I like that. A calm chew. Is that a chew? No, that's the oil. No, that's the tincture.

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I did that too. And I like almost like something, something went off in my shoulder. So I probably will need to get like an MRI. And the doctor is going to say, what were you doing? And I'm going to say, doing a podcast. I dislocated a shoulder doing a podcast. Okay. Am I the asshole, huh?

Let's get into it. Am I the asshole? Asshole-io. Am I the asshole for telling my mother-in-law to stay in a hotel room after she put human feces on my kitchen table? This guy, just go to fucking Reddit slash I got a good story. Yeah, right? No, bro. You're not going gonna be the answer i can't believe we're questioning this one but let's see sometimes you never know i've had an ongoing issue i love that too it's like peter griffin and the chicken like you've got some

battle going with the mother-in-law uh as most women do these days oh she's uh oh i assume it's gonna be a guy yeah me too interesting sexist of. Sexist of us. Very. Sorry, Julie. My father-in-law got sick and passed away months ago. She's been staying with us while she figures out how to move on with her life. All right. You know, there's already a little mitigating circumstances. She's dead and alone. He's dead and alone.

As much as I feel sorry for her loss, she uses this as an excuse to berate others, insult my kids, and just be an all-around slob without repercussions. The other day, she clogged my husband and I's toilet. Now, we've asked that she share a toilet with our kids because we have a small house with only two bathrooms and my husband and I don't want anyone coming into our master bedroom to use our bathroom. That's pretty fair. Reasonable.

I don't know. She has been stubborn about this and keeps barging into our bathroom to use our toilet at all hours of the day and night. We've had to start locking and barricading our door because she will try ramming her shoulder into it to force it open. This bitch is fucking virile enough to live alone. You're fucking kicking in doors. Go live at the home yourself. Seriously.

Go join the police force, for God's sake. Right. The other day, she used our toilet and clogged it. I asked her. I mean, so this is a big birth. This is a big woman. You're knocking down doors, and you're clogging toilets with your shits. I asked her to use the plunger next to it and fix it because it's gross,

and I shouldn't have to do that. Again, pretty fair request. She used the plunger but cursed at me the whole time and called me a lazy housewife. I work from home. I pay 80% of the bills when my husband does gig work right now. What does that mean? Gig work. I'm going to guess it's like a free, like a, no, I was going to say like a creative design.

Okay. That's an obvious shot in the dark. I think it's a thing on Craigslist. It is like odd jobs, like come move my couch, 20 bucks. Oh, that kind of stuff. Oh, okay. I think it's a thing on Craigslist It is like odd jobs like come move my couch 20 bucks That guy's a piece of shit Anyways after a few more incidents Of her clogging our toilet perhaps on purpose

A few more instances of it Perhaps on purpose Imagine just sitting there like I'm gonna clog this lot Just loading it up With as much toilet paper as you can That is 20 eggs for breakfast. One day she clogged it up real bad and I could smell it from the hall. I said, please unclog our toilet.

She gave me a smirk, went into the room, and I thought she was fixing it. I go to the garage to put away some stuff. I come back into the house and her feces is on our table. She told me that if I was so interested in her bathroom habits, she would put it on display for me. I kind of like this woman. She's so fucking crazy. At that point, I was so disgusted.

I felt like I would throw up. So I grabbed her stuff from the couch. She had been sleeping on and threw it outside and told her to leave. I was not joking. As soon as she stepped outside, I locked the door and called my husband and said she cannot come back. My husband said I overreacted. And many other relatives are posting on Facebook. There you go.

That I'm a monster who kicked out a widow, but the woman put human feces on my table to spite me. My husband also refused to kiss me or hug me, and he's been giving me the cold shoulder. My kids are too young to understand, and they think that I'm the monster that kicked out their gammy. I mean. Could you imagine living in a world where you're the only one? That is. why like am i the asshole does need to exist though like that poor woman was like wait a minute am i the asshole here and like the you know the rest of the eight billion people in the world come running around and be like no no the seven people in your world are fucking idiots i mean the only way that could have gotten even remotely weirder is if she shit on the fucking

table, like, out of her asshole. She fucking... Just, like, looked you right in the eyes. Just while she was gargoyling up there, just fucking staring at you while you do the dishes. Imagine that, your mother-in-law staring at you while you do the dishes and just shitting on her heels. Like, look at me! Look at me!

Look into my eyes! Oh my god. The, uh... Okay. like look at me look at me look into my eyes that was you know tick tock tock he would have fucking did a backflip off exactly man i mean like obviously dude the fucking i'd fuck it don't look don't i wouldn't kick her out i just murder her and be like why don't you let her back in poison her her. I was going to say, you know what you got to do? You can poison an old person, no problem. You know what you got to do is tie her down and... She's got to choke on that shit to death. You got to kill her with shit.

With her own shit? Yes. Put it fucking... Scoop it up into one of those Ziploc bags and snip off the end like icing and squeeze it in. That's fucking good. I was crazy specific, but yes. But you could definitely just live with her and poison her

just do that for sure just like a little bit like no one fucking how'd grandma die fucking old age slash I suffocated her with a pillow

grandpa died and they you know they were in love and they died too and they're like looks like asphyxiation no no no it was a broken heart

I swear it was a broken heart her throat's filled with shit it was a broken heart it was a broken heart I swear there is there like

the moment she kicked in my door to take a shit in my room while I was asleep I would have started plotting your murder it's over bro I'm gonna concoct it I can't believe she threw her out

without making her clean it up first right I'd be like clean that shit then get outside I'd use all her blankets that she was sleeping

on the fucking couch with I'd throw that out now you're homeless and you're covering shit right right fast track right take all her clothes or something it's that shit in her shoe i mean it's stunning that people are like well also fucking i i never understood this luckily i didn't grow up in a in like a family where like that was a thing like having like nana lives with us now oh i was gonna say what shitting on table yeah but i would be like i't know, as a kid, I just throw off my whole world. If your grandma lived with you? I'd be like, I got to deal with this now.

Like, I got to deal with this fucking lady kicking in doors and shitting. Well, I think. Like, clogging the toilet regularly, it seems. I mean, I think if your grandmother is Godzilla, then yeah, it's a problem. I live with my grandma. She was a normal-ass old woman. She just ripped cigs all day long. That wasn't great.

But I didn't have to deal with her shitting on tables and knocking down doors. We had a big family, so I had enough people. Yeah, you're good. I don't need any more. There were six of us. It's like, all right. You live with a literal gargoyle. Yeah, maybe a problem.

This one we didn't initially discuss, but I love this move so much. Not only is this guy not an asshole, he's a revolutionary. Am I the asshole for proposing to my girlfriend with a... By the way, the grandmother, though she deserves to die, is hilarious. Oh, yeah. I mean, the smirk, like, oh, yeah, you want me to clean? All right. I got something to store for you.

Call it a handful, like fucking Dr. Dr. Allen whatever in fucking Jurassic Park. Reaching all the way in. There you go. Fucking fry that up, bitch. I'm hungry. Am I the asshole for proposing to my girlfriend with a video game relic instead of a real ring? My girlfriend and I met in a Skyrim meme page in 2014. We've been together for six years.

I love this. How do you pronounce that? Skyrim? I think it's Skyrim. I've always said Skyrim. Skyrim. Skyrim. Yeah, no, I mean, it's phonetic.

It makes sense. Last week was our anniversary, and I decided I wanted to propose. Since we met via Skyrim, I thought I would propose with the amulet of Mara, which is a symbol that someone is ready for marriage. She doesn't really wear jewelry or anything and has never shown me a ring she likes. And we never when we talked about marriage. So I thought it would be sweet to have something to bring us together. I mean, this is a brilliant move.

This is a great loophole. This is something. This is our thing together. It symbolizes you're ready for marriage. You don't even wear jewelry. You're not into it. She shouldn't want some big ring. Yeah, you shouldn't expect it. I set up this whole picnic with our favorite things when i proposed she looked

sad and said what about a ring i told her i thought the amulet of mara was sweet because we met via skyrim the other day she sat me down and said she thought the amulet was very sweet and she liked it but that she wanted to go ring shopping i told her i already bought a necklace and i don't see the reason for a ring uh I didn't propose with one. She said she appreciated the sweet gesture, but she really wanted a traditional ring. I mean, you know, sorry, bitch. Not for everybody. See, I think he's the asshole.

Yeah, I mean, definitely. But he's also a revolutionary. No, he's like, I mean, it's sweet. It shouldn't be. If she was like, fuck this, what do you think? It's really adorable, but also I'd like a ring. I think that's fair. It is crazy that, again, we don't talk about it plenty of times it is insane

that's just like the whole tradition is the tradition is wild but i don't know i'm not a fucking revolutionary i'm not a trendsetter i'm not a i'm not a guy who's gonna buck the norms you know this guy this guy he's gonna cave and he's gonna get out of the ring but the next guy who read this he's gonna stick to his guns yeah Yeah. And the guy after that is going to be like, not only did I do it, bitch, you should like this. And maybe one day down the road, they're going to look back to this guy who proposed via the amulet of Mara. And they're going to be like, that guy changed the game forever. I could see that. That's not out of the question.

It's got to start somewhere, you know? Also, if I was her, I'm just taking it. Taking the ring? You're not putting up a fuss? You could give me, if you proposed to me, like you personally, with a spit in my face, and said, we're getting married, I'd say, all right. All right. Lack of self-respect is just astounding. Are you watching The Haunting of Bly Manor?

I have not. My girlfriend had not seen Hill House, but we finished Hill House last night, so I imagine we'll be starting Bly Manor tonight. Let's put a pin in this. There's something I want to talk about in that, but I don't want to do spoilers. Okay. So, just remember that, okay? By the way, this guy proposing on the anniversary.

Great move. Two birds, one stone. You won't forget your, you know, the day, blah, blah, blah. Oh, that's true. Does that ever happen? Does that, blah. Oh, that's true. You know, like, I don't... Well, no, but that... Does that ever happen? Does that happen? I feel like that's just a movie trope. I never encountered it, but I'm saying...

I've also never been told to, like, remember the day I proposed. You know what I mean? Right, but, like, anniversaries or birthdays and shit like that, like... Like, you don't forget them or that girl's not that mad? Like, no, you, like, you completely forget them. Like, you wake up on your fucking girlfriend's or wife's birthday and you're like ah fuck i forgot man not birthday anniversary for sure for sure after like a long time too but i feel like the long time the repetition gets in i feel like maybe like the first year or two you forget yeah i guess you look at it both ways

have you done it 50 years like okay i'm 50 years old now on this day well what do you think about on your first anniversary doing ketamine with your girlfriend? Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah. 20-year-old. I don't even really know what ketamine is. It's a horse tranquilizer. The TikTok kids.

Yeah. They've been together for a year next week. Talking about doing something special. She said she wants to do something that she's never done before and will remember her for the rest of her life. Now, some people might think, I want to go on a hot air balloon. I want to go bungee jumping. This guy's like, how about some fucking ketamine?

You've never done it, and you'll remember it for the rest of your life. You should know that me and my girlfriend have smoked a lot of weed a lot of times in the last year, and even before that, we also have friends who do more drugs, but we've never tried anything besides weed. I'm open to trying something new, and I thought it would be the kind of thing that you've never done before and won't forget, plus it's not too expensive. Friend told me that she had a really good experience with ketamine. However,

when I suggested doing ketamine for our anniversary, she lost it. Said that it's inconsiderate. I guess she expected something a little more romantic, but it is a bonding activity in my opinion. This dude's such a stoner. I just don't even get why she's mad bro

It's something you've never done It's something you're never going to forget And it's a bonding experience Everything I'm saying dude This just sounds like fucking Just like totally rad For some reason she's just fucking Not being cool about it at all

I will say this She didn't want a fucking war strength visor For her anniversary. I think if you, listen, you can be the type to do a special K on your, on your anniversary,

but you got to find, there's a lid for every pot, bro. Yeah. That ain't the right girl for you. I think that, I think that is the right girl for you. Yeah. I think she's going to fucking,

yeah. Yeah. Because, because if you find the girl that does ketamine with you, you're going to end up in a K-hole and die. Yeah. That's fair.

But without him, like, the silver anniversary is cocaine. The fucking gold anniversary is fucking, I don't know, whatever. Then they just die on heroin. Yep. No, I feel you. So everyone dies. Let's hope. What's the one that we got DM'd?

Do you want to read that one? I just texted it to you. Okay. Okay. This is the one that a lot of people have DM'd us so we'll end on this one I 28 think my girlfriend 26 has been using oh this is terrible

has been using my gym socks to wipe after going to the bathroom TLDR found my gym socks to wipe after going to the bathroom. TLDR, found my gym socks in the garage, in the garbage, covered in poop. Asked my girlfriend about it. She started yelling at me and crying and left. I think we know the answer. I don't even know where to start with this.

I'm dumbfounded. She just stormed out of the house and I'm sitting on the bed asking myself a lot of questions. I like this guy. He's a storyteller. I live a pretty normal life. I thought so did my girlfriend. We've been together for a few months, and after things got serious, we moved in together. We started sharing a lot of the household responsibilities, but the one thing she was adamant about was doing the laundry.

She would come home and find me in the bedroom getting the laundry together and would quickly ask me to do something else. I'd come back to finish the laundry, and she would say she had already started it. I always thought that it was sweet and never done the job before. I wouldn't stop her. This is where we take a turn for the weird. I keep all my socks and underwear in the bottom drawer of my That's insane.

In the bottom drawer? That guy's crazier than the girlfriend who wipes her ass with the socks. Socks and underwear in the very last drawer? I agree. I've never done it. It's definitely odd. But, I mean, you're probably right, to be honest.

You're goddamn right I'm right. You want to know why? Because you're flashing your asshole. Yes, you have to bend all the way down and you're naked. Just to get your underpants. Dude, that's crazy, Town. You're right. Your asshole's on display for your girlfriend. I, you have to bend all the way down when you're naked. Just to get your underpants. Dude, that's crazy, Town. You're right. Your asshole's on display

for your girlfriend. I don't know. That's probably why she's got some weird asshole thing going on. She's always looking at yours while you're putting your socks on.

She calls herself Cleopatra because you're her cat because you show her asshole. You're going to have to rewind that one for me. Nah, it's just a bad one. Let's move on.

Let's push through. Going to my head, I don't know what that means at all. I think Cleopatra had a lot of cats. Not a good one. That was a heat check. That just a bad one. Let's move on. Let's push through. Come to my head, I don't know what that means at all. Yeah. I think Cleopatra had a lot of cats. Not a good one. Not a good one.

That was a heat check. That was a heat check. You pulled up from half court. You pulled up like Dave Lillard from the logo, and you fucking bricked something. You hit no rim, man. That was like whatever Nick that was who just fucking threw it. Swaggy feet. No, no, no, no, no. no wasn't one of the nicks who like

it was like a buzzer beater and it went like 12 rows deep yeah yeah that's what that one was that was great that is great that was a check uh okay so bottom dresser bottom drawer i also go to the gym frequently so i always keep a good supply of clean gym socks ready to go i never kept count but i just know by a visual glance i have several pairs yeah okay uh this morning i went to grab a fresh pair of pack a fresh pair to pack for the gym i noticed there were several dress socks but no gym socks again not weird they must have just been in the laundry i went to check the laundry basket and it was empty so i checked the washing machine and dryer both were empty i couldn't find out i couldn't figure out where all my gym socks got. So I did the very natural thing.

I asked my girlfriend when it happened to them. After all, she's the one. She went silent, turned red, and ran out of the room. When I went after her to see if she was okay, she wouldn't talk to me. I told her I wasn't mad. I was just looking for my socks. I mean, this chick shot herself right in the foot. She could have just been like, I don't know where your socks are.

They're your socks, dude. Instead, she was like, ah! She kind of mumbled, I don't know. I still wasn't mad, of course. I was just super confused. Socks just don't disappear. By the way, yes, they do. Definitely.

That's the literal number one thing in the world. If this is Family Feud, feud survey says name a thing that disappears like that's it you know i mean not pairs at a time but a sock yeah for sure yeah uh so i asked her again and uh she just looked at me and got mad and said i'll buy you new ones at first i went through my uh the first thought that went through my head was she had somehow managed to destroy my socks while washing them i thought the site was actually pretty funny so i joked about her ruining my socks wrong thing to say she immediately started crying like full-on sobbing at this point i don't care about the socks anymore i want to know what's wrong with my girlfriend i sat down next to her on the bed

and just put my arm around her and asked her if she was okay she just kept saying she was sorry and then she would buy me new socks i tried reassuring her again it was okay even went as far to say I would buy new socks and that she doesn't have to. This poor bastard being like, it's just socks. I sat with her for a few minutes trying to calm her down and eventually to get ready for work. I told her I loved her and got my things ready to leave. On the way out, I grabbed the garbage to take outside. When I got outside, I lifted the lid of the garbage can. I noticed a small plastic bag sitting on top of the garbage already in there.

I could see through the bag. There were socks in the bag. Since I was sure she had somehow managed to ruin the socks washing them, I wanted to see for myself. I opened the bag and immediately regretted my choice. There, inside the bag, were several pairs of gym socks covered in what smelled like poop. As soon as the smell hit me, I knew it was poop. One, we don't own any pets. Two, we don't have any kids. Two, we don't have any kids.

Three, whose poop was on my socks? Caps lock. Work could wait. I couldn't go the rest of the day wondering why my gym socks were covered in poop and inside a plastic bag in the garbage can. I grabbed the bag and walked back inside. As soon as my girlfriend saw the bag, she flipped out and started yelling at me. She said I shouldn't be going through the garbage and that I was disgusting for bringing them back into the house. Fair. I asked her to calm down and that I wanted an answer as to why there was poop on my socks.

I wasn't blaming her or anything, but when she started accusing me of blaming her, that's when it clicked. I don't know what it was that led me to ask this, but everything leading up to this moment had just been so crazy. I asked her, Is this your poop? She started sobbing again and ran out of the house. I didn't go after her this time. So now I'm sitting on my bed with a bag of poopy socks on the floor and a lot of questions on my head. The only conclusion is that she used them after going to the bathroom, which that alone has its own set of questions above everything else.

I sent her a text asking her to come back. She hasn't responded yet. I don't know what I'm going to say if and when she gets back. Oh, boy. Update. Okay, there's a little more. I had to leave for work work now i'm at work i threw away the bag of socks uh i flat out asked her if it was a fetish it is not a fetish she confessed to using the socks after going to the bathroom i found the reason she always does the laundry is because she was hiding the fact that she uses

socks to wipe with primarily her own i had no reason to question the amount of socks she ever... She admitted she has done this for a long time. Her reasoning is that because she is a germaphobe, she's afraid of toilet paper will tear and afraid of getting any of it on her hands in any way. She uses socks because it covers so she... What, you've never done that? Can I be honest? This whole time, was thinking of her like holding the sock i didn't think of her doing like the puppet oh i've wrapped

the puppet before really yeah i was like i was like in a pinch in a jam yeah yeah yeah i wasn't in a fucking house i was by the by like i just took off my own sock and was like that's the way to get away with this like you just be like, I don't know. I had the laundry in the bathroom, but there was no toilet paper. Right. And I mean, this girl had so many ways out before. She's the worst liar in the world. Also, if you're going to throw away shitty socks, you don't put them on top of the trash.

Right, right. Come on. You're going to hit the bottom of the trash barrel. Back on top of it. Done. So my girlfriend has a fear of getting poop on her hands, so she wipes her socks and has done so for a long time. It could be worse, I guess.

I hope we can have a laugh about this later. I'm trying to find the humor in it all, but I'll weird it out. I mean, this guy's a fucking... I would absolutely have to break up with her, not because she's done that. If somebody told me, it's almost like, you know, it's crazy that we just wipe with fucking dry toilet paper. Yeah.

You know, and if someone used wipes or a bidet or something, they'd be like, you're the weird one. You use little tissues to wipe your fucking ass. I need a cloth. I'd be like, you know what? Makes sense. You're not so wrong. Yeah.

No. But she acted like, you know, she turned it into a thing. I think that. I would break up with her not because of the behavior, not because of what she does, because of how she behaved afterwards. Oh, I'd marry her because it's clear whenever she's lying. Yeah. Like, you're never going to lie to me.

Never. Because you are very, very bad at it. Seriously. It would be. Hey, are you going to be five minutes late? Like, no, I'm not cheating. No. Yep.

There you go. All right. I mean, that is. I get it. I think it makes sense. If she had just explained that from the get go, I'd be like, that's fine. I'll tell you what. This might be a business idea.

I think. Poop socks. Like, maybe not reusable, but some sort of toilet paper that you put your fucking puppet hand on and that there's no way you can get on any of your fingers. I mean, I don't think I've ever gotten fucking poop on my fingers. I personally know how to wipe. I don't think I've ever done it. But there is... That's another movie trope of, like, your finger going through and, like, hitting the shit.

Right. Literally thinner than one ply or whatever it is. But, boy, that's one for the record books. That's a good one. I like you can almost make like you sell them their cut gloves and poops mittens. And it's the same thing. It's just bag of socks. Bag of socks.

We don't even have to like produce them ourselves we'll just buy them at kmart say they're poop socks and just just put a piece of a piece of tape on it yeah yeah poop socks right i know poop bins yeah yeah it's like are these socks no they're poop no they're poop bins unless you need socks then they're socks and i'm sure there's a way to make it like biodegradable so it flushes because i mean that's that's what you run into a problem is well i think that's the issue. That's what toilet paper is. It's the perfect amount of thickness while still can

melt in the water. You run into an issue with just keeping a bag of socks. I thought she'd always been fucking, by the way, reusing it. If you're just one touch in these, all good. That's an expensive habit. Oh, for sure.

I don't understand where her need to do laundry good oh good except you're gonna run i mean that's an expensive habit oh for sure yeah but the like like i don't so i don't understand where her need to do laundry came from then because he's just getting trashed well i guess not i guess she was redoing them i don't know like this bag was for sure thrown out but maybe she was washing maybe well it sounded it sounded like she always used her socks so maybe this time it sounded like they were in a pinch. And, like, she needs to use his. And then was like, I don't know. Throw those out.

Bro, if you're in a pinch, just get in the fucking shower. Yeah. There's other ways around the pinch. There's fucking plenty of ways. I've actually never done that. Don't you need to, like. Got in the shower with a poop? Yeah.

With a poopy butt. Don't you need to wipe it with your hands? And then I guess you just wash your hands? No, I don't wipe it with my hands. You can just, like, straight, like, spread your cheeks in the shower with a poop yeah with a poopy butt don't you need to wipe it with your hands and then I guess you just wash your hands no I don't wipe it with my hands you can just like straight like spread your cheeks in the shower

see I don't have the water pressure for that I'll clean it up it's not a thing I regularly do but it's happened before fucking pop in there get on the tiptoes spread the cheeks

tiptoes yeah exactly what you mean unfortunately I think that might I've also done I've done a lot of fucking horrific things with the yeah you have the yeah you have I've done a lot of fucking horrific things with the

yeah you have the yeah yeah I was visiting a buddy in Port Colborne up by Toronto he was playing junior hockey and they just couldn't

even afford toilet paper so we were just peeling the toilet paper rolls to get the cardboard the cardboard

to get like single plies out that's the worst one I've ever done how much could you possibly get out of that by the way and I did it for like a full weekend how many rolls? they had been saving their rolls because they knew

that is some poor shit by the way I think I would just take a whole roll and just log it and like also like I don't know I was on vacation quote unquote like I could have bought toilet paper I don't know, I was on vacation, quote unquote. I could have bought toilet paper. I don't know why I didn't. The main thing I would do is go buy toilet paper. Jesus Christ.

That's a preemptive breakup, though. I'm done. Oh, no, I'm fine with it. Yeah, I'm totally cool with that. I am not. I will always think of you with a poop mitten wiping your ass and then running around the house. For sure, but I always think of someone spreading their cheeks mitten wiping your ass and then running around for sure but i always think someone like fucking spread their cheeks on a bidet too no but but running around screaming

crying about it that's the next level for me that i just you're a child it depends how she takes the teasing about it okay that's fair so when i'm like hey poop mittens grab me a fucking beer if she's crying about that then you gotta go if you don't have a sense of humor about being called poop mittens then you really like vo. Voicemail time. We're doing like three voicemails. We're getting the fuck out of here because this has just been too much today. Zebra. The Zebra. It's the number one way to save money on car insurance and

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And you can save, like I said, up to $670 a year. How much can you save? Go find out. Go start at Thezebra.com slash kfc that's thezebra.com t-h-e-z-e-b-r-a.com slash kfc hi kfc um i am listening to your podcast and you're talking about um making really crazy requests when you die and when you're What? Holy shit. and in my letter to my mom and dad i mentioned my funeral plans that i wanted and this is probably about junior year of high school i wrote it and my request was that they throw me in a tanning bed so that i looked tan love it uh at my viewing if i could have a viewing. I don't know if that works, but...

I guess the question that would come from this was if anyone actually did make those requests. But I requested that they threw me in a canning bed. They said nice to see you. My question is does a dead body tan?

I think yes. I didn't know what I was going to say even after it came out. Does a dead body tan? I think yes. Yeah? I didn't know what I was going to say even after it came out. That was as from the gut as it can go. No brain. You went right to the line. What's the answer? What's the answer?

Say something. There was no logic in it. It was just like, what word is going to come out? Logically, I would think that you would need some sort of body processes going on. I would guess blood flow. But maybe not. Maybe it's just like I could just zap this skin. Well, I know what peeling is. No, I know what a sunburn

is. Yeah. A sunburn. Oh, yeah. So maybe you can't. Because a sunburn is your skin cells committing suicide so they don't become cancerous. Ooh, cool. So if you're not alive, I would imagine they wouldn't know to do that.

Right. I don't think they can do that. Again, I don't think any body processes are going on. Right. So the answer goes to – So if you can't get a sunburn, you can't get a suntan. Right. I would guess, right?

Well, a suntan is melanin, right, coming out, I think. I don melanin right coming like out i think i don't i don't think you're wrong i think i don't know um okay i bet you this i bet you can google this i i bet fucking i just have a mortician give you a spray tan that's the main thing i guess they just paint you yeah for a slight while after death you could still tan because you're metabol or this mother it really is there's an answer metabolism is like winding down it's still kind of going i guess but you okay but for a viewing you'd be out you don't you have to get like right away like the juice the me fucking calls it and it's like get her to the fucking bed yeah like like people rushing you

like you imagine that you want to talk about morbid like throwing a dead body into the fucking bed you know like clunk clunk throwing the legs in cutting putting the thing down i'd put her she'd be in a stand-up i'd fucking handcuff her in a stand-up this feels like a sunny episode i can see dennis reynolds having this be his request they did something similar where they did to a baby. Yeah? They put a baby in a tanning bed. Not far off. It's the other end of the spectrum of life, but it's there.

Almost dead, because it's brand new. All right, so what would be... I mean, you would pick a ridiculous clothing outfit, right? No, I'm getting burned. Let's say you were to do a viewing oven me up um the uh let's see if i were to do a viewing by the way when i get cremated i want it to be like a fucking put me on a wooden paddle like a pie oh oh like that okay yeah no pirate no i want a wooden paddle lay me in and and I want Laredo from Borrelli's to shove me in a fucking pizza oven. Hook me up that way.

Let's see here. I don't know. I think we've had this discussion before. If you were a Puerto Rican gangster, what would be your setup? That's what this girl was. She's like, make sure I'm tan. Why are you looking at it, bro? What does that mean?

Just like this? Put me in front of a microphone? I guess. I don't know. I don't do anything else of note. Yeah. What if I buried you like in six feet worth of tobacco? Just shovels of fucking dip.

I'm like a fucking, I mean, that's fine, I guess. But like, I'm like one of those, like all men men do is, like, eat hot chip and lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, all John do is lay on couch and drink wine. Yeah. Oh, what if I, like, preserved you in a thing of booze? Whiskey. Whiskey?

Yeah, I've been on a wine kick lately. Growing up. Yeah, typically, no, that's not for long. It's just a... Girlfriend thing? No, no, it's just been, I don't know, it's only been, a wine kick lately. Growing up. Yeah, typically. No, that's not for long. It's just a... Girlfriend thing? No, no. It's just been... It's only been like a week.

I mean like this week I've been drinking wine. Steve Cohen has a shark in formaldehyde as like an artwork thing in his building. If you were just suspended... No, I don't want to be... I don't want to be like seen still. But again, this is the thing. It's the viewing, you know? You have to be seen. I will eventually burn you.

Okay, I just want to make it clear that this is not real requests. Okay, so if we're not doing real requests, I would like to be playing hockey with a bear. Both taxidermied. So, maybe let me score a goal. Move me around like a bubble hockey guy.

I'll have like a stick up your ass and I'm like, and I'm skating around behind you. Like, you know, like the ice girls with the shovels. I'll just be doing that with you, like pushing you around. And I'll have you score on a, how about a goalie bear? Goalie bear deal, goal. If you can get Putin there, that'd be great. I mean, you may be.

I mean, imagine if I was like, hey, Putin, for your next campaign, you could play hockey with a dead American and a bear. Oh, you're misunderstanding. I'd like him to be dead. Dead. Yeah. That's going to be tough. You'd have to assassinate him.

It would be a whole thing. That would be a whole thing. Wouldn't it be great to assassinate Putin? People just thought he disappeared. He turned up dead playing hockey with me. They're like, what kind of fucked up killer is this? Hey, if you could assassinate one person, who would it be? Oh, boy. A little honey.

Josh Richards. What if I assassinated Dave? I don't know if I can say that. I don't know where we're at anymore. Who cares? I don't actually want to do that. It's just a joke. Again, he's 18. You can kill adults. It's fine. What if I kill Dave?

What if I assassinated him? Who? Dave. Dave? Can't assassinate Dave. I'm a firm believer. He's not big enough. No, no, no, no.

No, I guess he's probably not big enough either, but I'm a firm believer that like Franz Ferdinand, there needs to be political aspects to it. Okay. Why are we asking this? Because this is a fucking loaded question. I don't know. You asked about killing Putin.

So I said, who are we going to kill? Pretty logical question there. I mean, you know, how about this? I'd like to assassinate a... How about if you got to assassinate an American? An African warlord. No, an American. Who trades in blood diamonds

and is mean to Leonardo DiCaprio. If you had to kill one American, who would it be? Ah, God. Boy, oh boy. I'm going to put you on a list. You're going to end up on an FBI list on this one. I mean, like, for sure, I am. I think I would kill Marco Rubio and take his job as the UFO guy.

I also feel like Marco Rubio is the head of the UFO department. It's crazy. It's crazy town. He is. It is that. Oh, I would. Can I kill Elon Musk? Is that political?

It's not super political, but I'm sure he's a billionaire who influences politics. You'd have to make it explicit in your note why. This wasn't about my car battery was fine. This is more about the other stuff. This is where he spends his money lobbying. Me and Trent will tag team that one, and we shall kill Elon Musk. Let's do one more, right? What's up, KFC? Fight everybody else.

Quick, would you rather? You know how in horror movies, like monster movies, there's always that one character that sacrifices themselves to fight the monster to hopefully everybody lives? Yeah, what an idiot. So would you rather be the guy that fights the monster and dies, but you get to watch how the rest of your group plays out so they might all die they might all live so if they all die like oh fuck you know

why did i sacrifice myself or would you rather just run away and you know take your chance to survival but you like the rest of the group might be like oh you know i thought you were going to fight that fucking monster and help us, but I don't know. Yeah, you don't know. You realize at the end of this question that you're an idiot, right? Would you rather live or would you rather die? I mean, I guess you're going to say you wouldn't mind dying, right? I was going to say Ted Cruz because I think it would be a mercy killing.

I got to be like Dr. Kevorkian. Like that dude's just the fucking saddest person on the planet. I'd fucking kick in his front door. He'd be sitting in the living room couch. You want about time. Been sitting here waiting for you every single night. You know what?

And not that I have like political issues here. This is not politically motivated. I wouldn't want to assassinate him because he is such a sorry sack. He'd be like, Oh shit, I'm political issues here. This is not politically motivated. I wouldn't want to assassinate him because he is such a sorry sack. He'd be like, oh shit, I'm getting assassinated. I wouldn't want to give him that satisfaction of thinking that he's assassinatable. That picture of him is on the phone at a Trump

hotline or whatever the fuck it was. So sad. He's just been calling his wife a dog saying his dad assassinated JFK. He's like, please vote for Mr. Trump? These are the moments when you lay things out like that, I get so sad that Trump actually became president and it went so south because that is so funny that he was campaigning and he was like,

you know what? I think the other guy's dad might have killed JFK. That is so fucking funny. It's on the cover of papers. Everyone's just like, what are you talking about? He said that he was the Zodiac killer. Oh, yeah. His father might have killed JFK, right?

I don't know. Maybe. Hey, Mr. Trump, why should I vote for you? Well, the other guy, he might be the most prolific serial killer in history. I just thought. Despite being involved in two of the more famous American killings of all time, still can only land a dog. That just doesn't even have the confidence to commit gruesome murders, but doesn't have the confidence to talk to a girl in a bar. God.

Can you imagine when you go home that day and it's like, hey, honey, how are you doing? And it's like, well, you know, Donald Trump called me a dog. How do you think my day's going? God almighty. Anyway, I'm not being the hero in a fucking horror movie.

Are you kidding me? You know, I think I would. Why? We said that, oh, actually, because I watched Strangers for the first time the other night. You keep saying this movie you speak of. What movie? What are you talking about?

The Strangers. What is that? It's Liv Tyler. Oh, or like the Hill people, right? They're Hill-esque. They have masks on. Yeah, they break into their house. Glenn Howerton's in that one, right?

Glenn Howerton is briefly in it, yes. Okay. He takes a shotgun in the chest pretty quick. Oh, I thought he got shot in the face. Maybe it was chest, face, whatever it was. It's like a home invasion, but by some semi... They're not just like normal people, right? They're a little bit creepy?

They're creepy, yes. I wouldn't say they're not like trained killers or anything like that, but there's mental warfare going on as well. And I was just like, this wouldn't... I would just fight them. Mark Wahlberg. They're hiding in rooms and stuff, and it's like, well, I mean, there's

fucking six of them, so they're gonna find us under the bed. So you might as well go down and fight them. I'd just go fight them. I don't know whatever would happen. Take my chances. Under the bed, it's not even like, oh, I'd rather live on my feet than die on my knees. I'm just going to get found. This isn't the greatest hiding spot.

If I had a panic room, I'd go to the fucking panic room. But if it's under a bed, I'm like, I'm just going to go fucking fight them. Let's see what happens. I think under this guy's hypothetical, it sounds like there's a safe route and there's a like. No, he said you're taking your chances running. Yeah, that's true. But I think I'm taking my chances running. I mean, I guess it depends.

Guess what, Kevin? Not very fast. Fast, yeah. Yeah. But I guess it depends on the, you know, is it a monster? Yeah. Is it just a single guy? Is it, like...

Yeah, that's true. Am I fighting, like, am I going after the fucking Demogorgon? No. I'm going to run from that one you know if it's a person you know what this reminds me i will fight them this video going around this week of the fucking mountain lion uh where they stalked him for like six minutes yeah and then you see that uh uh yashar ali he went he went off he's a big animal guy huge animal guy and he wrote like a fucking like 17 tweet thread being like, this is why the guy is actually the asshole.

Because he like ran up on them. He was like fucking with the kittens. He was like walking up on them. And the mom was like, back the fuck up. And actually what that mountain lion was doing is called escorting. He was like, just back up, bro. Like he just kept pushing them away. Yeah, I didn't watch the full six minutes, but I did see him doing like the claps almost.

And he was like, just back up, back up. And then as soon as the guy got far enough away, yeah, yeah. I didn't watch the full six minutes, but I did see him doing like the claps almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, just back up, back up. And then as soon as the guy got far enough away, he went back. Like, he was like, if that, everyone was like, oh my God, he almost died. He was like, if that Mettler wanted to kill you, you'd be dead. Right, right.

He wouldn't just keep going. He was like, get away from my house or whatever. And that dude was like, he was just an asshole. You know, you could just tell if you listen to the whole thing. I didn't listen to anything. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you, dude. Like, the way he was talking, it was just like, you suck, man tell if you listen to the whole thing. I didn't listen to anything. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you, dude. The way he was talking, it was just like, you suck, man.

But all that being said, Yashar was like, I'm still not sympathizing with the fucking mountain lion. You know what I mean? At the end of the day, that dude is still a scary fucking situation. It's a scary situation. But also, you're taught as a fucking baby, don't fuck with babies of other animals. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even know if there's truth behind it, but I was taught you don't ever touch birds. Yeah.

Once they smell humans on them, the parents don't touch it. If you see little kittens, don't fuck with them because the parents get mad. Yeah. You know don't fuck with the children of animals. That thing, man. So if you're an adult going over to a fucking mountain lion's fucking nest or whatever the fuck they live in, you're an asshole. You know when they say, like, would you actually have the guts

or the wherewithal or whatever to do the, like, ah, make yourself big? Make yourself bigger? Yeah. Boy, that would be like my, that's one where I would stare at a mountain lion and like my answer for creating you be tan after you die. I just figure out what happens. We'll find out in the moment.

I'd be like, you know what? It's fight or flight, right? My main thing would be, I would, I'd be like, you know, my answer is, are there any other people around? Cause I would feel very silly doing that. You're like, I'm not going to pretend to be a big monster. You can just kill me. That's embarrassing. I'm going to go out with some dignity.

You can just maul me to death imagine being like roar roar i'm a big bad monster all right boys uh interview time we're starting off with mark fucking cuban first billionaire on kfc radio and i can't stress enough like how again i i was worried about talking about china and the repercussions of the nba's hypocrisy for progressive reform and right away mark cuban was like let's talk about partying in russia i was like oh throw the notes out the window let's go uh so this interview is brought to you by the thursday boot company a bootstrap startup just like mark was he make his money in the dot coms is that what it was yeah uh that has shaking up. I don't know if it was a dot com, but it was a tech company. Right.

By making really ridiculously high quality boots, they sell at direct to consumer and unbeatable prices. Head over to Thursday Boots dot com to try a pair today with free shipping and free returns. If for any reason you don't like your size or fit, Thursday Boots has got you covered. Do me a favor. Do the survey afterwards to let them know that KFC Radio sent you. It goes a long way for us. Let's talk to Mark Cuban, billionaire broadcast.com that doesn't sound right micro solutions micro solutions yes sorry guys hey there he is i was eating watermelon you

know how you start eating something and it was just like it's so good if you don't put it away you're gonna eat all of it especially especially watermelon that's one you start going and the next thing you know you've had like 50 slices oh yeah i mean i'm just like like i bought it was like four pounds of watermelon and i was halfway through and i'm like oh this is so good but like this whole podcast is just gonna be me munching on watermelon one of the few foods where you're talking about it in terms of poundage. I just put down three pounds of watermelon. Maybe for you one of the few foods. Unfortunately for me.

Yeah, I see that, Tums. You stay strapped right there. How are we doing, man? How's things? I'm good. How are you all doing? I'm good. We're doing well. Times at's things? I'm good. How are y'all doing? I'm good. We're doing well.

Times at Barstool have been good. I know your history with Barstool goes back quite a few years, doing that video with Dan and Dave. I would imagine throughout your illustrious career, that has got to be one of your bigger misses, Mark. You could have had half this thing for free. You know what? I told him, let me think about it.

I mean. I'm surprised they didn't kick you off Shark Tank for that. You could be sitting on 250 mil right now, Cubes. I know you've got way more than that. Yeah, he wishes. He wishes. No, I'm happy for Dave. Man, I have Dan, the whole crew, man.

I'm glad. I'm glad. Hopefully all you guys made some money off of that. Yeah, we're all going to get there, hopefully. That's just not easy. No, no. And I actually, what you said, and I think what your criticism of it, or the reason why you didn't invest, was that it's a grind. That it's a lot of work for only a handful of us to carry.

And you're not wrong but somehow we fucking did it we just kept on grinding but let me just tell you something i'm already fucking rich i wasn't gonna need to do the grind you know i didn't need to do that that's on you i love it i love it man what what's it like like when at what age were you rich let's just let's just lay it on the table what age you say you're rich it's all relative like i remember i retired when i hit 30 oh you son of a bitch and i bought a lifetime pass on american airlines and partied like a rock star and so it was just like i just remember thinking i would walk into bars right because that's you

know that's what i would do me and my guys guys, still some of my best friends, right? We walk into a bar and I remember thinking to myself, I'm the richest motherfucker in this club. That's the whole point of getting rich. You know, now then we did what I thought every rich guy did. I bought a bottle of champagne, got bottles from my guys, and we'd walk around drinking the champagne. Now, at that point in time, it was FrexelNet,

which is like a $12 bottle of champagne. But we did that. We turned the label off, and all the girls knew that we were walking around drinking champagne out of the bottle. That's unbelievable. It's a fast and cool club. Where was the wildest place you partied during that excursion, the Lifetime Pass bouncing all over the place?

Moscow. It's not even close. Moscow. Is that because of just the drinking? What, it's just vodka and vodka and vodka? Or is it like a wild party? It was covering his face. Everything you can imagine.

Because they just loved American guys. So I took Russian in high school. My grandparents are Russian, so I took Russian in high school like my grandparents are Russian so I took Russian high school so I spoke just enough to get by and I got this girl before I went over there I got this girl um to help me with my Russian she was Russian turns out her mom was the secretary or assistant or whatever for the mayor of Moscow and so so it was the shit he set me up with was even 25 years later, I can't talk about one story, one story. Right. And so they gave me the mayor driver with the mayor's Mercedes. And I'll never forget. It was October 15th. Right. So we're almost to the day here, right? Because it was the first snow in Moscow, which was like even early then for them. And so he took me into Red Square. And so if you know what Red Square is about, right,

you've got the Kremlin, you've got St. Peter's Basilica, like this big church, right? And you've got Lenin's Tomb. And then there's this big open square area.'s snow on the ground and he's like and i can't really understand him and it's just like donuts i'm like donuts you're getting donuts he goes into red square i'm doing donuts and i'm doing donuts in red square that is the honest to god truth and i literally have video of me inside the kremlin so they said and i had this like this the old back in the day um video camera and um so i'm carrying it in like over my shoulder like i'm a tourist right and they invited me in and i'm like what whatever so they're going to take you know set me up while i'm in this room and i'm like sneaking in videos of me walking into kremlin

and i'm like and it's the mid 90s so it was pre Putin and it was just a shit show all of Russia was a shit show and so I have these videos of me like terrified that I'm going to get knocked off in Russia I was going to say Niki in videos that's one of the most death defying things I've ever heard like doing from the donuts into the filming

like you guys as an American you're dangerous that wasn't even the scariest wait that wasn't even the scariest part right so one of the things that i was doing over there i was helping these kids um figure out how to do business right because they were you know it was always communist country soviet union right and they didn't know what profits or business was but they had a lot of good computer people and And so I got connected through somebody in Dallas to this company over there. And I went to meet them and they had this incredible office,

right in the cool part of town, right next to the Bolshoi Ballet. I mean, just high-end real estate. All of a sudden it's like, and the door, they opened the door and there's this guy with no neck, fingers like as big as my face and pinky rings, right? Tattoos everywhere. And I couldn't understand my Russian wasn't good enough to understand what this dude was saying.

But basically they basically said, Mark, you got to help us get our stuff out of here. We've got to go now. The mafia just decided that they were going to take over that, that, um, that office and they just booted them out. And so Russia back then was a wild, wild West. It was crazy. that office and they just booted them out holy shit Russia back then was the wild wild west it was crazy

so were you like grabbing printers like billionaire Cuban yeah grabbing printers grabbing everything just helping them

and just leaving it outside right and I'm just like I'm out of here yeah I was gonna say you guys are on your own I'm out the window I do not want to know

how this story just go party in like South Beach Mark Just go somewhere safe There's champagne and girls everywhere You have to be in Moscow Oh my god It was crazy

I like to hear that What did you do when you got rich I fucking partied That's what I did I enjoyed it man Like a rock star My goal was to have drinks with as many people in as many countries as I possibly could. And I was really good at it.

Like, my guys would be like, okay, you got that lifetime pass in America. When I sold my company, Micro Solutions, you know, we all went out and did this big steak dinner. Got torched. And it was one of these old school steakhouses that had the phones you know way back when you used to plug in a phone right yeah they used to have this deal at all the tables like you know old school and i saw one of the plugs at the table i'm like can i get the phone barely can talk and i call american airlines i remember the number because i would fly so much i'm like did you guys have lifetime passes i'm like let me click you connect you to the air pass

department i'm like they truly exist connect you to the air pass department. I'm like, they truly exist. Maybe, you know what? Even if they didn't, I think they would have been like, we'll make one from Mark Cuban. I don't know, whatever. So I bought one. It cost me the 125,000.

It was like $125,000 or like 50,000 miles a year for the rest of my life. Wow. And so all I had to do was show up to any airport, for like 50,000 miles a year for the rest of my life. Wow. And so all I had to do was show up to any airport, any American Airlines flight, and I could take me and anybody else, just get on and go, and they would have to kick somebody off.

Oh, shit. Oh, my God. So obviously, like, I'd go into a club, hey, let's go to Vegas, right? Or, you know, just with my friends, we went to the Olympics, Madrid, London, wherever, you name it. What is the most like impulsive, you know, you're in a club, you grab a girl or a buddy and you

say like, fuck it, let's go. We went, this is 1992 because I sold my, way back when, we went to the 92 Olympics, the dream team. Oh, shit. Dude, that was an impromptu decision. You got to go see the dream team on a win my buddy mark stall my buddy mark stall was like we gotta go we gotta go i'm like okay show

it because it didn't really cost me anything it gets even better right it gets even better because um we buy tickets outside we get in they seat us at the seats and then somebody comes up has the exact same ticket and turns out we bought counterfeits but they were really cool to us they put us in the press area so we actually got better seats and we got to see um against lithuania i think it was it was like it was unbelievable that's i mean that i don't think i've ever i know i know for a fact i've never talked to anybody or even known anybody who saw the dream team live you know it's just something that you don't know enough old people i got a question for you do you ever get sick of doing rich stuff like like like i like i don't understand the question like well wait wait wait wait before we get to that what's what's like the most non-rich person thing you do?

Do you still eat like easy Mac and cheese or something like that? Oh yeah. I don't know. So I like cheese grits that I get in the little craft thing where I put in a little water, put it in the microwave. Okay. So somebody asked me to do like, let's go to a fancy dinner there. It was like this reporter. I'm like, only if it's IHOP, literally, I hate going to fancy restaurants. The people at IHOP know me. Literally we walked into IHOP right now. They'd be'd be like no big deal they see me there all the time

see that's that's what i mean like i like when i go out i like to just be in like a dark bar and like just like in like a basement bar and like i got you do that oh no i hate like i was telling these people like i don't want to get dressed up i don't want to deal with the fanciness of it all you know the whole like let me put my nap the napkin on your lap and like me being terrified i don't know which spoon or fork to use first you know still to this day you would think i would have learned and like i'm not going to drink wine mr cuban you know because i feel bad like oh we'd like for you to sample our best wine saving mad dog 2020 yo have you ever done i did this in college once i don't remember anything that happened afterwards but we did mad dog 2020 you drink

half of it and then you fill it back with vodka oh man no no but let me just tell you what we did do so at indiana the big day was the little 500, right? Oh, yeah. And so it would start at like 7 in the morning. And Mad Dog 2020 was like $2.99 for a pint. And so the whole idea was all you had to do, three bucks, you chug your Mad Dog 2020 and wait 20 minutes. Yep. Away you go.

And even, and let me just tell you, shark tank which premieres friday october 16th right on abc like when they have like when we know we're gonna have when they know they're gonna have deals on that require alcohol right they'll say do you have any limits or things or do you have any food allergies or stuff like that so no one gets sick but anytime that like if you notice like when someone comes on and needs to pour wine for whatever reason every single time it's md 2020 every time no exceptions i mean that stuff that's black out in a bottle right there that is great out in a bottle some things you know money can't buy you know no let me just tell you let me just tell you i did improve once i got because as i got better off like i started off with booms farm and swisher sweets and then i moved up to md classy so uh i think i already know the answer to this question but i guess you know when people say

money can't buy happiness what do you say to that because i feel like you're pretty fucking happy do you like if you were happy when you were poor, you're going to be a lot motherfucking happier when you're rich. If you're miserable when you were poor, you're probably still going to be miserable. The difference is you don't have to stress. Stress levels are night and day. Like I've had my credit cards cut off, the lights turned off, you know, waiting in line at the utility companies with an excuse on why you should take my check, all that stuff. Right. And just not having to worry about anything like that. Not even knowing what, you know, my utility bill is at this place. That's the difference. But I guess so you said you did have to go through those things at one point.

Oh, yeah. And that's the difference. I think, you know, if you're born into it or you inherit it or whatever, my kids are never going to know anything. What do you do? I mean, I I get worried about or whatever my kids are never gonna know anything what do you do i mean i i get worried about making sure my kids are not spoiled and i don't even think i need to worry about that mark when you are a billionaire uh i mean are there any times you are like intentionally not letting them do something or buy something yeah oh yeah all the time yeah all the time i mean i make it clear it's my my money, not theirs because that is one of my biggest fears after their health. Right. You always worry about their health, but you know, then it's like,

I don't want them to be entitled jerks and I want them to really, you know, recognize the value of work and really enjoy the process of figuring things out for themselves and accomplishing things for themselves. And, you know, my wife and I try to make it really, really clear to them that that's the way it's going to be. Like, you know, like when you make a buy-in. But yeah, they get it. They have to buy their own tickets to Mavericks games. No, I cut some slack there.

So when you say, you know, a lot less stress, I would also imagine there's another side to it, though, that like I own an NBA franchise. I'm on the television show all the time. I have a imagine there's another side to it, though, that like I own an NBA franchise. I'm on the television show all the time. I have a ton of business interests. I mean, that's got to get stressful, no? Yeah. No, there's moments of stress. I mean, look, being famous, just to be honest, has changed over the last 10 years. Yeah. You know, it used to be all upside. Now, not so much. A lot of downside. And so now, you know, and not me, it's not particular to me. It's just, you know, and not me.

It's not particular to me. It's just, you know, everybody's paying attention to everybody else and everybody else's business. And so would I change it or trade it? No, hell no. But it's just things have changed, and that's just the way it goes. Well, things have changed. You walked by our bar in Miami, and this clown we work with,

Brandon Walker, was getting shot at as a famous. Yeah, I mean, at that point, he had worked with us for about a month. So fame can, you know, happen overnight now. The game certainly has changed. But you seem to handle it pretty well, man. Yeah, it's ups and downs. So the NBA, obviously a bizarre season. And strangely enough, on top of all the other storylines about LeBron and winning and all that, the ratings.

It's just like ratings are down, ratings are down. And first of all, who fucking cares? But it seems like the world has, in recent years, ratings has become more of a thing. Would you agree with that or has it always kind of been? Not really. I mean, mean look it's become a hot button for people trying to prove some type of point correct it's like what people are doing with new york over coronavirus they're like it's it's dead it's dead just because they

want to say like this no it's not they want to say right because they want to prove a point that you know the some political point right yeah exactly started with kaepernick right and so if kaepernick, you know, if ratings were down and then people were guys were kneeling. Right. So it must be because of that. They don't pay attention to anything else going anywhere else. Right. They don't look at this TV show and say, right, the star of this TV show said X, Y, and Z, where are their ratings at?

You know, and a lot of it, you know, cause most of our players are black. Most of the NFL is black, right? And so when they take a stand, then someone's going to raise hell. And it's just, that's just the way it is. And so you just ignore those idiots. Is there a reason you think that ratings were down? Is it just, you know? Yeah, I mean, look, there's a lot of reasons the ratings were down.

First, I mean, look, you got every professional sport playing at the same time. That's what we were saying we couldn't even keep track like i walked by the tv yesterday i was like wait the fucking alcs is on right now at three o'clock on monday right yeah last the other night was nlcs right i did even know right and second you know we're we get into new habits now there's many there are as many netflix subscribers as there are people who have cable or satellite. Right. And so all of our games are, so people just have more choices, right. And you get into your habits and you're not necessarily breaking away three, like before the finals, um, all of our games were on cable.

And the reality is there's fewer people watching cable and our best audience is Gen Z and younger millennials, right. They just love nba and you see it on social but they they don't even have the cord they never had the cord right so they don't have yeah you didn't even cut it you just never even fucking actually that's a question that's exactly right when i watch like right now i don't have cable and it's just because spectrum hasn't come to set it up yet but like so when i watch on the espn app or on the abc app am i counted as a viewer um depends on how and where i'm not exactly sure yeah that's a good point but it's like who knows you know people like want to say it's all about the politics

look horse racing was way down you know you can't tell me the horses were woke across the board the nfl is down not as much as we were but you know stanley cup was down huge you know baseball was down you know the nlcs so it doesn't matter you watch the game enjoy the game and all these idiots that are trying to say well you know it's we don't want to connect politics and sports if you watch the game right there's no politics there and you know oh i see black lives matters on the court you can't even read you won't even know our sponsors right you yeah but it's an excuse that's also just such bullshit politics have been intertwined with sports forever and and like you know we stand for the national anthem before the

game that's fucking politics that's you know it's like so ted cruz was trying to give me shit about something um online on twitter right and then you know don't want to connect politics and sports and to your point right then he posts a video of muhammad ali i saw that when you're like he doesn't even understand the irony or whatever you said irony of the whole thing right yeah i mean like jesse owens running in front of hitler like like there are iconic moments in sports that were entirely based on politics. Miracle on Ice is all politics. Yeah, Miracle on Ice.

Exactly, right? The whole thing, right? I mean, everything. It's crazy. And the last thing I would worry about, probably out of any sport, is the popularity. I mean, the NBA, it's so star-driven, and there's so many stars. How good does it feel when you've got a guy like Luka? Oh, my God. I mean, man like and it's not like you

know you know he was a high draft pick it's not like you snuck him in the second round or anything crazy but you know some other people passed on him and as he goes and grabs a fucking the larry i mean i would show him this guy right i want a whole bunch more of these he is so unbelievable. To know that it's just like, yep, we chose right, and we've got him for the next 15 to 20, that has got to feel so good. With the technology and the medicine today, I mean, just a little bit of luck. Yeah, he's played for a long time.

I mean, that's a guy like you would do absolutely anything to make sure he doesn't go anywhere, right? Oh, yeah. If there was no salary cap, how much would you pay luca everything i could yeah if he if he said to you i want 75 million a year would you give it to him probably like unless there's some crazy reason why i couldn't right you know that's just the way the salary cap structure the very very top five players in the league are under thing yeah maybe top 10 that's just the way the salary cap structure. The very, very top five players in the league are underpaid. Maybe top ten. That's just the nature of it. But what makes it work isn't just his talent.

He's just such a good guy, man. Such a good, down-to-earth guy that appreciates everything he's gotten and knows he's got to bust his ass to keep up and to stay ahead. And he's just hysterical. He's fun to hang out with and that you know he's just his own person he just he really is a good guy and on the other side of the spectrum uh delonte west is kind of been granted this second shot uh talk me talk to me about that what was the you know the the uh motivation for that move i mean we've tried to help delonte many times over the years um

since he last played for the mavs in 2012 or whatever but i just had seen um pictures of him and a video of him scary and handling but it was only two miles away from my house and so it's like okay whatever i'm gonna go drive around and look for him and i couldn't find him and then i'd been trying to reach his mom and mom called me back and said, you know, Delonte going to try to reach you. And he did. And I said, D West, you know, tell me where you're at. Don't move. And that's when I went to pick him up and took him to a hotel and his mom came and, you know, we got him into the rehab in Florida and now he's doing well. Now I'll break some news. Like you saw the one picture I posted. They sent me a picture this morning of him skydiving. Skydiving.

Dude, we just saved your life last week. Come on Delonte. Stay in a bubble, man. They're like, he's got it. You know, as part of his rehab, he's got to develop trust and connections to people. And you've got to trust when you're a guy that works hard. Wow, the ultimate way. I'm so proud of him. But look, the hard work is just starting for him.

You know, the first couple weeks are tough, but now we'll see what happens from there, and hopefully he can stay with it. He's a good guy. He's got great heart. Why do you think someone like you, it's so rare to have an owner with such a kinship with his players. Like, the way you just lit up, like, talking about Luka, the way you're like,

I'd give him everything, your connection with Delonte. I feel like in sports that's pretty rare to see the owner have that kind of bond. I don't know. There's a lot of good owners in the NBA that would have done the same thing, no doubt. But I just like it. I'm a ball is life guy. I'm not a sit upstairs.

After I'm done here, my kind of clear my head. My wife takes yoga. I'll go shoot. I'll get out there and get up shots. Right. When we're playing in regular world before every home game, I'm getting up shots. And I think, you know, so and I'm around the guys and you get to know them and, you know, they respect the fact that I, I respect them as professionals and as people. And when you, when you're around somebody that much, you talk to them, right? And so it's just normal. I wouldn't ask you to speak bad of anybody or throw them under the bus, but I am a Knicks fan. And when you look at the Knicks franchise and the ownership,

which I would say is kind of the polar opposite of situation like yours or Balmer or some of the owners who are really into it. What's just the perception of the Knicks franchise from other owners and yourself around the league? Look, I like Jimmy Dolan. I mean, he's always been cool to me, straight up. And look, you can argue about different moves, but bringing on Leon Rose was super smart.

I mean, Leon Rose is one of the best in the business. In order to be successful in the NBA when he was was an agent you had to go through leon rose and and so i think you know that move alone was strategic and smart and will pay off dividends what's one one other thing let's say tomorrow somehow you switched you were the owner of the new york knicks what's the first thing you would do to try to turn that team around i mean hey lucas 75 million yeah all right kidnap him yeah look we sucked for three years right and let me just tell you it's not because i wanted to suck it's because we had to hope to get lucky yeah and even when we you know traded to be able to draft luca you think you're right but no one ever drafts anybody

thinking you're going to be wrong yeah yeah you know it takes luck you know if you go down the list of top players with you know even lebron came and went to multiple places places right but you don't you know the greek freak you know fell to 15 you know kawaii fell to 11 you know there's just you just don't know um if it's more art than science so you just gotta be patient i hope you get a little bit lucky all right we got a game here we're gonna wrap up with a couple questions it's called answer the internet it's uh questions that our fans have called up with over the years or some of the questions from the deep dark corners of the internet so mark cuban here is going to answer the internet take it away johnny okay let's see

we'll go we'll go rapid fire with you here since we're almost out of time. At what age or moment do you officially become a man? Thirteen? I don't know. Yeah, I should say the first time you... Yeah. The first time your mom

looks at your laundry and says, stop, you'll go blind. That's a great answer. Okay, you're a three-headed monster and get to select the other two heads. The first head is one of your idols. The second head is a person you hate. Who are you picking? First head is Ted Turner.

I always looked up to him because he went hard, was successful, and did it right. Second, Donald Trump. That's a three-headed monster right there. I would start to hate someone else just so I could – I don't even need – the hate is too strong to have that. I got to have someone else. Okay, are you smarter than Christopher Columbus was? Think about it.

I hope so, man, because he got lost, right? That's what I said. He doesn't go the right way. He landed here and thought he was in India. He got lost. If you found out your life was the Truman Show, what would you be most proud that people saw and what would you be most embarrassed about?

Hopefully the way I treated my kids and my relationship with my kids. And most embarrassed, my wife is telling me I'm going to go blind. Great answer. Great answer. Great answer. We'll wrap it up. If you could open a school of life to learn real life valuable things.

This is a great question from our Q. What would you teach? There's so many things that we don't get taught that we should be taught. I think just teaching people how to, you know, that's a great question. I think, you know, just the fact that learning is good, right. That you don't, it's not so much what you learn. It's just that you want to keep on learning things. Um, it depends on how old the kids are. Right. So let's just say they're high school kids. I mean, just getting people excited

about learning because that's what opens up every door because the world is always changing. And if you don't, if you're not able to change, if you're not agile, then you're not going to, you're not going to make it forward. And you got to be someone who likes to learn. Learning how to learn kind of is a lesson in its own right. You got to know how to do it, right? That's literally the best skill you can have in life, I think, because there's always something new, always somebody to learn from, always something to get better at. And if you just think, you know what, this is just it, then that would suck. That would really suck. All right, man. Well, thank you so much for the time. The new season of Shark Tank is out. October 16th, Friday night. Friday night's on ABC,

8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Central. Thank you, man. Really? It's always a blast. See you. All right. Thank you to Mark. I, I think there's like a, a small percentage chance that American Airlines invented the lifetime pass on the spot for him. I think he said they did. Yeah.

Well, you know, he was like, let me, he was like, we'll transfer you over to like our, our like that department. But I was like, I think that this was a was like, we'll transfer you over to that department. But I was like, I think that this was a thing. Like some guy was crunching the numbers in the moment being like, okay, give me $75,000 or whatever. It was $125,000. Yeah, $125,000. I'm like, we'll break even on that. It sounds like, I bet you Mark got the better end of that deal.

Yeah. That's a good gym membership. One of those things where you think, they'll never use it. Mark Cuban's calling up every fucking night. I want to go here. I want to go there that is uh he's like a living walking breathing ati question where it's like if you were to get a billion dollars what would you do and it's like he did all that party go to russia party here fucking sneak into the fucking kremlin

that's the i don't think he's talking about sneak video in a kremlin going to the with with again with a video camera that you can't really sneak with. No. Like an old school one. He didn't have a fucking phone like this. No, yeah. Although he probably did have some cool shit knowing who he is. Yeah. But, like, even just – he made it, like, an age thing. But, like, I just don't know anybody who went to see the Dream Team in person.

Like, that's a very rare thing. Yeah, 92. Like, you don't have to be that old. Yeah. It was more to me that, like, who was flying over – 92 was the first year? Yeah, 92 was Dream Team 1. Yeah.

And that was in Barcelona, right? And so I mean, I'm sure there's people in Spain that did. But like, I just don't know many Americans who are like, fuck it. We're going to watch MJ and the boys. I don't know anyone who's been to the Olympics outside Atlanta. Right. Right. I mean, that's a fucking flex.

So unbelievable. Let's talk to our boy Jimmy O. Yang now. He's starring in a new movie opening act. Which looks awesome. It's got literally every comedian in the world. If you have a favorite comic, they're in it. And he's got leading man roles now, so he's finally broke

through to the big time, and it could not happen to a better dude. So let's talk to Jimmy. What's up, fellas? What's up, bud? What's up, motherfucker? How we doing? Good, man. I'm all the way in Vancouver right now. Oh, Hollywood North, as they say.

It is. Everything is shooting here now. Yeah, no, I wasn't being sarcastic. I think, like, the Massachusetts area is Hollywood East, and Vancouver is Hollywood North. Why Massachusetts? I thought, you know, Vancouver makes sense with Canada. It's all tech stuff.

I guess Massachusetts gives a lot. That's why they... I don't know if you guys have seen, in the last 15 years or so, there have been a handful of Boston gangster movies. Some would say too many. Heard of them, yeah. And it's all because Massachusetts wanted to become... Patriot's Day shot there.

Patriot's Day, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're there for a couple months, yeah. I'm liking this... What do you got, a little cardigan you're working with there? like wanted to become Patriots Day shot there. Patriots Day. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm liking this. What do you got a little cardigan you're working with there? Yeah. You know, just to keep me warm and snazzy.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Looking good. Go to audience that your boy got a little money now. Let's go. Let's do it. Throw around that cash. So I was just watching the trailer for opening act and uh holy shit

there's a lot of unbelievably talented people in that movie it looks pretty fucking good man right every turn you just get like your favorite comedian popping up in a cameo role and really shows you comedians can really freaking act yeah Yeah, for sure, man. You know, even the smaller parts like Russell Peters parts. He was so good. And you don't see him too much on, like, say, TV and film and stuff. But yeah, man, you know, these directors out there got to give comedians a chance. Yeah. People who are hiding their actual emotions all day, every day.

They can act pretty good at acting. Deeply damaged. People can act really well well i i looked it feels to me like a office space meets like some sort of comedy world and then when i saw that bill burr is playing like your boss in the cube world i mean perfect job of casting right there i'm sure he is just like the asshole boss and plays it to perfection so uh like i i i mean i personally i did the cube thing before i became doing doing all this so i can relate to it but i feel like anybody who's got a job where they're sitting and rotting

away at a desk is going to be able to relate to the idea of getting out and doing something cool and creative for sure anyone who's ever thought about or is pursuing their dream you know you got to sacrifice what when is that time to kind of say i quit and sacrifice for something you love uh so hopefully that resonate with the audience and and this movie just takes you to kind of like the bowels the the back behind the curtains of the stand-up comedy club and all happens over one weekend oh wow get to see really what happens on you know what does the thursday show mean how is it friday first show late show. How do you try new material? What happens when you bomb?

And then the local radio you got to do to promote and sell tickets. All these like really crappy stuff that happens being a standup comedian, but we still love it. That's why we do it. Right. Was it, do you think it is, is it like very true to the experience? Is it like, you know, kind of dramatized at all? Or is it like, this is really how it goes?

I think every one of those things, once I got to the stand-up comedy club, it all happened to Steve Byrne, who wrote and directed it. And all of those things are extremely relatable. I think any comic that's been on the road has experienced a kind of weird club owner, the crappy comedy condo, waking up at 6 a.m after drinking till 2 to do radio to promote and then bombing and then people kind of not giving you the time of day uh and even the great stuff like opening for heroes and finally finding like a good set a good new joke it's all super true it all honestly felt like half documentary for me like half documentary half

scripted and really a behind the scenes look and honestly um i did a little bit of material on there that's actually my old material uh and then there's some newer written material that's in the script cedric did some of his very old material also uh i think and whitney did a little bit of material you know so it's interesting it's almost like we're all playing a version of ourselves 20 years ago or 10 years ago. Right. What's it like being like,

you just referenced Cedric and Whitney. We obviously talked about Bill a little bit earlier. Like at one point in the trailer, there's a list of just like everyone who's in it. Eliza, uh, Peters, like everyone's in it.

What's it like being like, you're the star. I was going to say, I'm so happy to see you, the star. That's in it. What's it like being like, you're the star? I was going to say, I'm so happy to see you the star, man. It's great. That's amazing. Man, that was wild, dude. Because not so long ago, maybe five years ago, right? I didn't have enough clout in the stand-up comedy world.

I haven't done my special yet. And I would try to sneak into the comedy store to watch Bill, to watch Whitney, you know? And the door guy wouldn't even let me in. Oh, fuck. You gotta be kidding me. It's like that. You tell me like, hey, I'm a comedian. Let me in, man.

Come on. I know. I know. I know Bobby Lee, please. But it's just so special to, I mean, not even just be a star of this movie, but like kind of hang out with these guys, you know? And Whitney, I've met before. Neil Brennan, who's in a movie but like kind of hang out with these guys you know um and uh um whitney i've met before neil brennan who's in a movie i met before but a lot of people like uh bill i think i briefly

met but finally getting to work with him and like every week in this movie like cedric was there basically throughout the whole movie but like one week it'll be hanging with bill burr and then the next week you'll be hanging out with whitney Neil and Jermaine Fowler and stuff. It was just like the best like green room experience ever. And now I can, you know, hopefully if they don't mind, I can call them friends and that's kind of cool.

And hopefully now they can vouch for me to get into any comedy club. Who is the scariest one? Cause every time we interview Bill, we're so scared. We probably interviewed Bill like seven times now. He's openly like, you guys are cool. I like you. Like we're friends. And every time I'm Bill, we're so scared. We've probably interviewed Bill like seven times now. He's openly like, you guys are cool. I like you. We're friends.

And every time I'm still like, oh, fuck, it's Bill. I hope I don't say something stupid in front of him. Bill's very cool. And he's actually extremely professional. I think comedians, when it comes to acting, a lot of us are kind of green or just getting into it. None of us are like John Malkovich, right? But Bill has that old school actor vibe vibe he leaves his phone in the trailer he's focused he's chatting but like when he's on he's on and he never misses a line so like that was i wouldn't

say intimidating but that was like wow dude this guy's so good at stand-up and he's an absolute professional when we talked to him about king of staten island i think there was a air of like he really respects what actors do and i feel like yeah you know he he specifically has mastered his craft and now he's doing something a new one and like realizing and understanding that he's the rookie and like you gotta you gotta pay your dues and you gotta do it the right way and he's not in a position yet to be like fucking around on set it's you know i think it's a level of respect because you guys go through such a grind to get to where you are in comedy too yeah and i think a lot of comedians go into acting like fuck that like i can go tour and make like millions of dollars i don't need this shit but bill absolutely respectful of the whole acting thing which i love acting so much

as much as stand-up right so like just that that was really cool i loved seeing you as like the the star and that's awesome man especially with that son of a bitch ken in it like yeah you take a back seat now man you're the little bit role but yeah i mean i feel like it's been like a long time coming it's very cool to see you be like the you know the the focal point is it's an awesome uh it's next level i mean yeah thanks to steve burn for really believing in me you know and and the role wasn't even written for an as dude, you know, it was the, the, the role's name originally was Will O'Brien.

Oh shit. Yeah. You see, yeah. Steve Byrne is half Irish and half Asian, half Korean. So, you know, I guess he went with his Korean side eventually. So that was really cool that they, it wasn't a ethnically specific role and they went with your boy And Vince Vaughn and Peter Billingsley produced a movie, and they were really behind me also, which was freaking awesome. Yeah, fucking Vince Vaughn. When that popped up during the trailer, it was like,

Vince Vaughn, produced by Vince Vaughn. I was like, that's a fucking monster move for you. Yeah, there's a quality to everything produced by Vince Vaughn. Yeah, he doesn't do small stuff let me tell you a fun story about vince was um so he came on set and and like a set visit he's a producer and i was like hey vince what's up man um and i was about to say like not nice to meet you but nice to see you because i actually met him once before but he's like hey nice to meet you so i was like yeah yeah nice to meet you and then for the first time definitely for the first time yeah we're just so grateful you part

of the movie you know uh we're really stoked on this i was like yeah yeah cool cool and then i totally i was like okay don't tell him i actually met him because the first time i met him i was more or less a glorified extra in this movie called the internship with him and owen wilson oh yeah i know it i played yeah i i played a ping pong player at google playing ping pong with vince and it was so embarrassing and i didn't do good like acting wise ping pong i was fine but that was like straight up like my second acting role and i got completely cut out of the movie so rightfully so he didn't remember me and i still haven't told him that i actually met him on that movie because i don't want him to be

like oh fuck i hired that guy i oh shit well listen it's too late now bro i mean you know i can understand the moment but shit's already done they can deep fake my face with bobby lee what else is going on man how is uh how was quarantine life treating you and like what else is cooking right now it was kind of wild i i just focused on writing a lot when i was in la um so i mean we talked last time it was during quarantine right yeah yeah yeah was that right that was actually i came to vancouver uh to shoot something actually i, I'm leading this rom-com now. How about that? Look at you.

Here's the kid. We're in the rom-com world. The money is rolling in the Matthew McConaughey spot. Let's go. It's me and Nina Dobrev. Oh, shit. I was actually going to say, in the opening act, also, your girlfriend is too fucking hot.

Debbie Ryan. That's that's very unrealistic in that movie. I would say that this Midwest guy who works at insurance at a cubicle and Debbie Ryan is my girlfriend. That was that was that was just a casting at Debbie Ryan. Yeah. I mean, forget about the money and the accolades and the success. Let's do it. Are we getting sex scenes up in these movies or what, Jimmy? Brian, need the dough brev. I mean, forget about the money and the accolades and the success. Let's do it.

Are we getting sex scenes up in these movies or what, Jimmy? I don't know. Well, I guess we'll see. No, I don't know. It's a really fun movie. It's a Netflix rom-com. I think people are going to enjoy those things, like killing it. Oh, they know exactly what they're doing.

That kills it, but also you saying killing it just reminded me of your amazon stand-up where that was awesome and great on amazon and it's also it's also got millions of views on fucking youtube yeah it got me trending on tiktok i got a million and a half tiktok followers now i'm basically the guy drinking juice on his longboard i feel like you could crush tiktok yeah I can't complain. Have you been engaging in TikTok? Have you been doing it? Because I feel like you would be good at that. I actually hired a kid, this Asian kid in Utah.

Shout out to William Pepper. That's his name, Asian kid named William Pepper. Apparently, his last name is William Tiu, and Tiu means pepper in Vietnamese, so his family just changed the name to William Pepper. Really nice kid and he helps me on my TikTok and I've only ever done one dance.

Oh, you've done a dance? I did the savage dance. Nice! Did you really? Are you throwing it back? I did. This girl wanted to do a TikTok dance and I was like, yeah, okay, I'll do it. Just to impress this woman um all right so hang on what's this what's the thing but what's the dumbest thing you've ever done for a girl and is it tiktok dance i mean i don't know how much

yeah what's the second dumbest thing because that's the first what's the second dumbest thing oh man one time i was like so into this girl i um i brought like thai food and like one of those coconuts to her house you know and it was just it was just weird like how old how old one of those coconuts yeah i've never heard of that is that a thai thing no that was like something she liked and it was supposed to be sweet but it turned out to be like it was it was too much like you know you don't show up at people's doors man that was coconuts at least how how uh old were you when you did this uh this was two weeks ago that was it wasn't it was it was like a few years ago i forget how long isn't it funny when you think of like that sounds totally good on paper in your head totally good and you're like yeah this is gonna come off as sweet and considerate and then it's like wait a minute i just i just came to your house for the

fucking meal and like here you go like what's super weird that sounds very normal like i brought over food let's eat and watch a movie yeah that's right but but then for what i mean and it could have gone well i feel like that it could have gone i think the fact that it didn't go well is why yeah it's whack right it might be on her maybe she should have been more like accepting of it i bet she wishes she did now your boy's a starring leading man but uh but i feel like you know in the moment when she's like oh uh like i already ate and i'm busy and like you can't just show up at my door you're like the fuck was i thinking yeah or i was risking like maybe she's paying another guy i don't i can't show up randomly at somebody's house the dropping that's also the dropping oh yeah yeah like i was trying to do a rom-com move

you know i mean like but you can't it's actually rom-com's fault yeah like i've tried to do a million rom-com moves because i've seen them in rom-com rom-coms and that's just not how real life works it's not how the world works not now like you know you you would send a text or pick up the phone first before you showed up somewhere or you like all the natural things that you just that you don't see in movies are like oh yeah that there's no surprise there's no romance because it would be like, no, dude, I'm busy. I have to go to work. You can't come over.

It's like, oh, well, fuck. All right. That whole idea is gone. From 14 to 18, all I did were grand gestures. And I had my heart broken every single time. So now I just don't have emotions. Has there been a change for you? I guess, you know, maybe when when the movie this has to come out

first and then the the rom-com drops as well but have you felt a change in your life professionally socially financially family-wise all that shit yeah i guess professionally yeah it's it's been like a steady climb um with space force with the comedy special i did a comedy special it's been like a steady climb um with space force with the comedy special i did a comedy special it's been very helpful even in my acting career because now people really get to know who i am like you know before hiring me so yeah i'm getting some scripts in my way and stuff but just during this covid time it's tough man you know and i'm just really focusing on uh some writing you know creating some of my own stuff films tv whatever that may be you've said that socially twice now sorry Sorry to interrupt you.

You said that twice, the writing thing. So how does that work? I don't understand that. Like do you like wake up in the morning and you have like a set time for writing? I write when I can, you know, I haven't been writing stand up because I can't perform it. It's hard to write in a vacuum uh when it's during coven and you can't go out and perform right so i just been focusing on like i co-created this one show that

set a network now and then i i wrote a book that i'm trying to turn into a show i wrote wow you know working on a couple feature scripts and also uh jamming in that uh writer's room with space force that was a great learning experience also. That was another bomb squad cast, man. I mean, that was heavy hitters, you know, from funny guys all the way to like John Malkovich. It's just like, holy shit, you are with a who's who. You are really rubbing elbows, man, with like the cream of the crop.

I'm trying, but you know what's funny? Because you asked me socially. Socially, nothing's changed. I was going to gonna ask you are the girls you're getting hotter in real life or in your movies great question you're too i yeah i would say maybe the movies because uh i don't think it's my own insecurity but i don't think uh i can uh land the nina dober up yeah well not not even yet it's just that's not you know like she's i would feel insecure around her you know listen maybe right

now but you're an actor you gotta start playing the part you gotta walk in there like yeah nina you should date me you should be you should be insecure around me all right i'm jimmy o yang exactly well and also i guess uh uh i don't i don't really care about a celebrity like i like socially that's why i hadn't changed like sure maybe if i can get in on some guest list on a club or something but i never went to clubs anyways well that's the thing i i think the people who really uh like their movie comes out or their album drops or whatever it is that they make it to number one blockbuster whatever i think you also have to have that persona and that lifestyle already in you like you already have to kind of be like on the club scene and now you can get in but you're already

one of those guys i don't think you can just become that person because now you have a hit movie it's like well i'm still the type of guy who like i don't know i watch like i play video games at home like that's just what i do yeah it's it's fame and money has been really wasted on me. I still just play PlayStation with my buddies. I was gonna say, what's an average an average night for you when you're not working? Not right. And you're just gonna hang out. What are you gonna do?

So during quarantine in L.A., I had a bubble just just like four friends. Maybe we'll come hang out, barbecue. I'll cook something. And then at night, I'll play Ghost of Tsushima, like Overwatch with some boys. When there's sports, when NBA, NFL came back, that was awesome. That kept me busy every night. I just remember there was one night, I think it was like Wednesday. There was no NFL, no playoffs. And I didn't know what to do with myself, and I got depressed.

And I just started drinking. So that helps. I was going to say, and then all of a sudden you weren't depressed. Yeah, that usually clears things up. Yeah, yeah. Are your boys people you've met like – are they from a long time ago? Like I'm always interested in the people you knew prior to making it or in the industry, or are they people who are in the industry?

Yeah, my best friends are still just boys from high school we still do the same shit you know um but i would say some of my closest friends are uh the asian community in hollywood and mostly you know like my boys from crazy rich asians we're still like close, close friends. Even like Ron, Ronnie, you know, Ronnie Chang, Remy He, like those guys, whenever they come from New York, from Australia, we're the first people we hit each other up. You know what I mean? So all of them really close. Crazy Rich Asians, by the way, made me cry three times. Yeah. And I always think about that.

It was three exact times. That is too many times to cry. And what's up? Is Crazy Rich Asians 2 coming out? Is that a thing? i i don't even like you're writing and developing it i mean i'm all about it i would love to do one i mean there has to be like the way that it ended they clearly uh i would hope so it's based on three books so it's perfect for trilogy there you go you know that's the studio development process i I got nothing. I have no power over that. So speaking of Crazy Rich Asians, Henry Goldlund's in that.

And then when he was in, what, The Gentleman, I think? Yeah. He did a pizza review with Portnoy. And I know. Oh, he did? Yeah, yeah. Well, like the whole cast did. It was a whole bunch of them, right?

But Henry was like a pretty big fan. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he kind of, he like, he pulled dave aside and started talking about like some of the inner workings of barstool that like you gotta be you got you had to be in the know of barstool to know some of the shit he was talking about so he's he was deep in it but you were the other person who i remember uh you know you were in on the portnoy pizza reviews pretty damn early the first time i came in i was like one bite everybody knows yeah and now and now you kind of got your own thing cooking on youtube right you're doing your own reviews

so i i was trying to you know it's weird i just put my old stand-up videos up and then i put some clips from amazon you know on youtube got millions of views and i got like 400 000 youtube subscribers things that a kid would really dream of right so i was like oh let me try to monetize this but i don't know what really to do so i just posted some cooking videos and i got some traction and then now i'm in vancouver shooting something i can't really cook so i just started doing like food review videos uh very much like your boy uh give it a little score and stuff and mostly it's like asian food and uh it's almost like a mukbang. I order a ton of food. Yeah.

Eat it. What is a mukbang? I've seen mukbang a million times. It's just eating a lot of food. I don't know the history of mukbang on the ins and outs of it, but I think it started by like a Korean, uh, vloggers.

It's a very skinny person. Usually sometimes a very small hundred pound Korean woman will order this massive bowl of soup with noodles or just an insane amount of food. And the point is to eat it till the end. So it's a little bit of ASMR. They don't even talk. They just keep eating, eating.

It's almost like watching Kobayashi. Yeah, yeah. But if he stunk, you're supposed to. If he wasn't fast at eating food. Yeah, you're just slow. You're not doing it like you're just sitting there. Yeah, I think it's like two hours. And if people watch it, I don't know why.

It's like very comforting, apparently. Well, we saw like the first one was some sort of Asian dish. But then it was like shrimp scampi and pasta bolognese. I figured it was going to be like just Asian food. But you got it. You hit everything. Oh, yeah, that was my cooking stuff. Yeah, I just I just going to be like just Asian food, but you kind of, you hit everything. Oh, yeah, that was my cooking stuff.

Yeah, I just love to cook and it's actually like super easy and I think dudes like our age don't really ever think about cooking, you know, just either the old school mentality or we never thought we could, especially even like college kids,

but like, dude, it's actually super easy. Like five minutes, you can make an amazing shrimp scampi that a college kid wouldn't afford to pay $30. Five minutes? Come on.

Five minutes. Come on. That's not true. Five minutes. I mean, you got to cook the pasta takes 10 minutes. So now all of a sudden it's 10 minutes. Come on. We're going to do a little answer the internet here.

You remember that? You played with us once before. Yeah, let's do it. We kind of just rolled it into the podcast because it's hard to do during quarantine. uh let's do it it's answer the internet with jimmy o yang back once again um how do you get out of accidentally sending screenshots of your texts back to the person who sent them oh you know what i mean so you text me something i screenshot it i mean to send it to john but i I send it back to Jimmy. What do I say?

How do you get out of that? Oh, oh, oh. I would just say it's an accident, right? I think it's going up to it. Yeah, because unless you already texted, like, look at what this fool is saying. What a piece of shit. Then you might have a problem. What if you can't actually?

I would just be like, clearly what you said is insane. And I was going to send it to someone. It depends on why. But whoops, it's to you. If you said something really funny or cool or whatever, but if you said something that I horribly disagreed with and it's obvious that's why I'm sending it back, yeah, you just have to cop to it and be like.

I think you have to cop to it. I don't think there's a way out of it. I think you're like, look. We know what happened here. I don't even really like you as a person. We went to middle school together. That's the only reason we still talk at 32 year olds. I was sending that to our other friend who also hates you to prove what a piece of shit you are.

And then I did it once to a guest we were trying to get who like is a pretty like private person. So like really not what you what he wanted to be seeing. And all I was doing was sending it to our producer, being like, yo, he's down to come on the show. But I was like, I swear I wouldn't send any of your other texts around. It was just to book this, I swear. Oh, so you did straight up cop up to you, like I'm trying to send your text to somebody.

I would just say it's an accident. I pressed the wrong button, and I was trying to send you a cute picture, then i'll send like a cute picture of something oh so you have a second picture on deck yeah yeah yeah oh i meant to send you this but i pressed the wrong button i sent you a screenshot haha that's stupid you know just keep it that's that's good enough that they would say haha okay but they know you were lying. 100%. But that's in this world. It's just like if we've learned anything, just like deny it and keep the conversation moving, and the person will just be like, okay, whatever. I guess we're talking about this now.

As long as they don't call you back. But you have to cop up to it if it's like circled and highlighted and, you know. What is your closest near-death experience? I feel like you probably got some of the strip club days or on the come up i feel like you've done some weird shit man i don't i don't have too much i'm a pretty risk adverse person when it comes to like uh thrill-seeking sports and stuff like that yeah you're wearing a cardigan we figured not the most extreme dude on the block. But I would say I think when I was 18 or 19, I smoked too much weed. Or I bought weed from random kids at the park.

And they were smoking Chewy, which is like weed laced with cocaine. So whatever weed they sold me, it might be laced with something. I straight up went home, had a panic attack. Like my heart was pounding. I didn't know what to do. So I tried to calm myself down. I took some Advil. I tried to watch some porn, jerked off a panic attack. Like my heart was pounding. I didn't know what to do. So I tried to calm myself down. You know, I took some Advil. I tried to watch some porn, jerked off a couple of times, you know, took a shower and my heart was just pounding. And I didn't know what a panic attack

was. I was 18, you know? So I just, I tuned into some sports center and I was staying at my dad's place and he was in the other room. So I was like, okay, do I knock at my dad's place and he was in the other room so I was like okay do I knock on my dad's door and be like dad I smoked some weed and I you got to take me to hospital or do I just fall asleep to sports center and hope that I wake up the next day and I mean hopefully luckily I woke up I got two things here I got three things a lot of things one first of all it's hilarious that like porn really is the cure-all yeah we're like look i don't have to jerk off like like when you're hung over and you wake up you're like i gotta get it out get the poison out

after you jerk off you're still fucked up then you know something's wrong i one time i was studying abroad in spain and this dude was just sitting on the steps of a church and was like, Hey guys, you want to hit this? And my buddy was like, we were both like, fuck yeah. And we walked up and my buddy hit it first and he like immediately dropped the pipe and walked away and he goes, Nope, not weed, not weed. Let's go. Oh, wow. And three, my first panic attack, I was kind of doing a similar thing. Where it's like, all right, I'll jerk off.

I'll see how this goes. Nope, that's not working. All right, I'm going to go to the hospital. And I went to the hospital in New York. I took an Uber to the hospital. And they were like, dude, you're having a panic attack. Here's a bottle of water. sit in a chair stop being a pussy we're dealing with a gunshot wound right now

but it's good that you knew at least you found out it was a panic attack cause for like a year I just thought I had a psychotic break or something or like my heart has an issue I do love the idea too of like I could talk to my parents who like love me and will probably help me through this.

But I'm like embarrassed and a little bit afraid. So I'm just going to close my eyes. And if I die, I die. Hopefully I wake up. Yeah. Yeah. That was a business decision. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. If you could have a coach from any sport or, you know what, any anything in life could be acting, stand up, whatever, standing next to you, coaching you as you have sex, who would it be? Well, I feel like just the nature of that question, I would prefer a woman standing there. Okay. All right. That's a twist. Very smart. Oh, right.

I don't want Bobby Knight screaming at me or Bill Belichick in his weird cut off sleeve. That's super weird. I'm with you on Bobby Knight. I bet Belichick knows all the games. No he doesn't. Have you seen Bill Belichick's fucking girlfriend?

That doesn't mean he fucks. I think it does. I don't think Bill Belichick fucks. It also means he makes about $15 million a year. I don't know. I don't think Bill Belichick fucks. It also means he makes about $15 million a year. He thinks Belichick has a good dick game. I don't know. No way Belichick has dick game. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does.

He's just a Patriots fan. He'll never be honest about it. Bill Belichick fucks better than Brad Pitt, and that's a fact. No way. Fuck you. Yeah, I'm 100% sure of that. By the way, I don't think Brad Pitt fucks that good. Oh, you're wrong on that, buddy boy. Okay, that I might disagree with. don't think Brad Pitt fucks that good. You're wrong on that, buddy boy.

That I might disagree with. I feel like Brad Pitt fucks well. I think he's almost like a hot chick who is like he doesn't need to. You think that Brad Pitt's getting in there and getting dirty with it? Oh yeah. No way. He doesn't need to.

He doesn't need to. Not only do I think it, I think about it every night. I was about to say, do you know it? I bet you Jimmy gets down and dirty better than Brad. Yes. Oh, yeah. You got a lot of stereotypes to undo, you know?

Yeah, I can't be the last Asian guy she fucks. I hope that after me, she only fucks Asian guys. There's a lot of pressure. I like that. It's like hot potato. You don. There's a lot of pressure. I like that. It's like hot potato. You don't want to be the last one. How tall are you, Jimmy? What was that?

How tall are you? 5'6". I have a buddy who's like 5'4". And I have another buddy who's like 6'3". And one night, he was talking to a girl, my buddy, who's 6'3". And my other buddy just interrupted her right in the middle. And he goes, look at him. Look at me. He goes, everything's been given to him his whole life.

I'm going to have to fucking work for it with you. And guess what? That's exactly what it is. Took her home. Yeah, man. All right, how about this? Would you give up... How does it work?

Would you give up an inch of your dick for, let's say, four inches of height? Ooh, shit. So you could be five... What did you say? Five, six? You could be five, ten. And then your dick would be eight inches.

Wouldn't make a difference. If I could be six, two, I'll give up an inch of my dick. Okay, so we'll do six inches for uh if you want six inches of height we're gonna do two inches of dick oh nah nah i can't i got i got a decent sized penis but i can't give up two you know i mean yo in order to give up two you have to have extra dick i mean two inches is a lot for a normal dick. All right, I like that.

But to answer your question, to answer your question, I think, not even really a coach, but if Doris Burke will be there to talk me through it. Yo, that's the fucking best answer ever. We're retiring the question. There's one other question in the history of this game that has been retired. You are the second one going into the rafters. I will never ask that question again

because there is no better answer than Doris Burke. It cannot be beaten. Congratulations. It's a big honor. Wow. Doris Burke. What an answer. Yeah, and then second pick will be if I can get two people, I'll get Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson. At the same time?

That would just be kind of funny. How about Mike Breen being there like, bang, bang! J.R. Smith already took his shirt off. What'd you think of LeBron getting it done? Are you watching the Lakers when you're out there? I'm happy for him, man. I'm a big Clippers fan. So, you know, my heart already broke in that Denver series.

It reminded me of that Houston series in 2015 with Paul and Blake going up 3-1 and losing it. So it's just been tough. But I just want to see a good story. And I think Miami Heat, amazing story. And they fought. They fought hard. I would love to see Miami win, but that was a long shot. But the way LeBron won,

he played so freaking well, and it's his third MVP with a third team. Amazing. That's a great story. Dude, he shot 65% last night. What? 65. He broke his own record.

I turned it off. I actually, I was watching it. I turned that off. So I bet, last night I bet the Heat, I bet the Seahawks, and I bet the over in the Hawks game. All of it. All of it gone. So I ended up just watching the strangers, I bet the Seahawks, and I bet the over in the Hawks game. All of it. All of it gone.

So I ended up just watching the strangers because all of it was gone fast. It was the first half of both games before I was like, I lost all of these. And I ended up just watching the strangers. But I did not realize that fucking LeBron had shot 65. He broke his own record. But even Shaq in his prime shot 62 and shit. It was a finals record, 65%. It's insane.

And then you look at Jimmy Butler. He put up 12, 5, and 7. That's the difference. He was exhausted. I guess he's gassed. But that's the difference. It's like LeBron doesn't get tired. He's relentless.

He just keeps delivering. LeBron doesn't get tired. LeBron doesn't get hurt. Even though he got hurt last year, but everyone knows that was fake hurt. That was like, this season's over. It's like, I don't have teammates. Yeah. I'm not even saying LeBron was faking it.

I mean, the whole team, the whole organization was like, dude, just fucking sit down. You're hurt. Who cares? Let's do one more question here. Would you hook up with the hottest girl from your high school even if they were hideous in present day how hideous like hideous jimmy like you hate like like she's put on weight she's got yeah she's losing her teeth she's you know but she's done she's done years of what what was it chewy i've never even heard of Chewy. Yeah, Chewy.

Chewy is a joint with cocaine sprinkled on it. Why is it called Chewy? We're so lame. I don't know. I think there are different names for it. Chewy, like that's what California calls it. Chewy. I have no idea.

I have no idea. But yeah, she's been smoking that for years. Her hair is gross. Her face is gross. She's put on some weight. But in your mind, you'll get to hit the girl. The it girl. If she's unrecognizable, what's the point?

I mean, the hottest girl in my high school was a PacSun model back in the day. She was really hot. Emily Peterson, I think was her name. We can bleep that out. We can't get clearance. I don't know. I'm sure she's still hot. I mean, it would take a lot for her to be to for me to say no yeah but in in your description i think i would have to say no dude i love i fucking love that you just

like you knew her like you knew everybody knows everybody i've done it by the way i've done this question the answer was yes she wasn't like grotesque or anything like that but the hot girl from my high school came to new york oh you hit it like probably three years ago give or take whoa no way that's a life-changing thing like i can't believe you still don't have self-confidence yeah no turns out that doesn't cure it either like finally getting the girl who rejected you forever doesn't fix it but it would I mean, she by no means was, like, in that situation where it's like, who the hell are you? She still had it. I'm just bragging right now. Yeah, I know.

How does this correlate to our story? So I just fucked a really hot girl who was even hotter in high school. Did you get some high fives from your buddies? I honestly don't think I ever told them. I think this is my first time ever telling it. What's the point of doing it if you don't tell them? Wow. I tell all of my first times on air.

And then I tell my friends because I'm like, and they're going to hear from someone else, I might as well tell them. One time I hooked up with this girl. She at Hooters. She was a waitress at Hooters because we used to run a comedy club at Hooters. And she came in like top three in the national bikini contest.

This really beautiful girl, right? And she just was into me or my stand-up or into Asian guys. I don't know what it is. She just liked me. And I was nobody. I was living in a one-bedroom with like two roommates, okay? So I remember I took her home. And, you know, my roommate clearly can hear me having sex with her.

And apparently he was like so stoked on it he texted every single one of my buddy he was like you can't believe what's going on and then the next day i mean i this is almost an insult like they couldn't believe what's going on because the next day i got calls from friends i haven't talked to in years as if i won the lottery or something like straight up i. You did. You honestly did. Yeah, I picked up the phone. My buddy Sean was just like, hey, Jimmy, man, congrats, dude. I was like, what?

What are you talking about? I mean, that's how it feels though, right? It is. It's like that's why they call it getting lucky. You got so lucky that night. It's like you hit Powerball, man. You're getting calls from friends and family. But you're right. It is a backhanded. It's like, what? Is it that

far-fetched? Is it that ridiculous that I would have sex with someone? Well, whatever, man. As long as it happens, right? I feel like there's going to be a lot more of that in your future as a leading man. So, you know, when you are officially dating her... I'm going to start ending conversations that way. I feel like you're going to keep fucking.

You're going to be getting your fuck on. So, you know when uh when nina dobrev is your real life girlfriend uh say hi to nina for us too and keep on fucking jimmy keep on fucking opening act is out uh tomorrow it'll be on uh on demand you can get it uh and go give it a look it's i mean it looks very funny and and if you've ever watched any stand-up and have uh you're a fan of anybody basically, they're in it. So go give it a watch, and we appreciate it, man. Thanks for your time, as always. Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you. Great seeing you, guys.

Good to see you, too, bud. Peace out, y'all. Bye. I've got some issues that nobody can see, and all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring

them to the life in me It's only like this is The soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Some guy DM'd us, my dad works offshore in the Gulf of Mexico, and one year they found millions of dollars worth of gold. Gold! Yeah, in a sunken Russian submarine.

Gold, not bills. I guess we should read some of this. I think gold would work though. Yeah, I think you could like... I think gold is okay. No, it's not. He says bills. No, he doesn't say bills. He says currency.

No. Gold's currency. We fucking. The thing he. Whatever he said, I specifically said, are we talking pirate booty and like jewels and diamonds and pirate shit? Because then I agree. But we specifically said for our argument, we were talking about paper bills.

That's fair. And then dumb fucking Tom Scabelli, who said, what about all the coins people throw in the ocean? When you're wishing. First of all, who throws coins in an ocean? I don't know. To wish. You throw coins into almost every other body of water before you throw it in an ocean. And second of all, they're coins.

But he, like, if he didn't mean gold, I feel like he would have said gold. Like, he's like, I'm not counting stuff like Prussian francs. No, that guy meant fucking paper money, bro.