KFC Radio - Mark Normand and Sam Morril Interviews || We Are Begging You to Not Listen to This Episode

Episode Date: September 20, 2022

We have two great interviews with Sam Morril and Mark Normand Sam Morrill Interview: Joe Rogan gives Sam an Iron Neck, Adam Levine naming his son after his mistress, Tom Brady and Gisele potentially splitting, and much more Mark Normand Interview: Why Dave Attell is the best comedian, Bert Kreischer planned Marks bachelor party and it went awry, the dream of being a UPS worker, and much more ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - You Shouldn't Listen to This Episode 5:32 - Sam Morril Interview 1:03:31 - Mark Normand Interview ++++++++++++++++ Freedom Grooming: Go to https://barstool.link/FreedomGroomingKFC for 20% off. Gametime: Download the Gametime app and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Hellofresh: Go to Https://barstool.link/HFKFC and use code KFC65 for 65% off plus free shipping Simplisafe: Customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at simplisafe.com/kfcradio Thursday Boot: Go to thursdayboots.com and try a pair today with free shipping & free returnsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Whoa, J-Lo's pegging him. She has to look at that thing. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We're going to be live in D.C. on Thursday, September 26th to 29th. I would guess there's probably about 50 tickets left so we're almost sold out so last little bit if you want to come see us and then

John's going to head on down to the Ocean's Calling music festival so we're kind of down in the DMV area in the DC Improv if you want to come see us then also in New York in October and then a little west coast swing from denver to phoenix to la in november so uh go to kfc radio social media we have a link in there for all of

our tickets go buy them uh your second piece of homework we don't we don't ask for much we really don't we really i mean we we've begged here and there for subscribers but we really don't ask you guys to do anything over the last like 10 years. We are on an episode of something's burning with Bert Kreischer, meaning we're the second episode, right? Yes. Which is a very high honor. The first episode was Mark Norman and Bobby Lee,

who are like births, like friends in the comedy circle. They've known each other for years. The fact that we went second, I think is a, is a huge honor and a testament to what we're doing. Very nerve wrwracking. But also very fucking nerve-wracking because Burt has fucking a million subscribers on YouTube

and Mark Norman has a million subscribers on YouTube. Bobby Lee's a monster. All huge guys. They did 1.4 million views on their first episode of Something's Burning. We are nervous that we're not going to do that many views as many views as that so i we just need you to stop listening to this right now the only podcast in the world where we will tell you to go watch something else on another fucking person's channel just go watch at least 30 seconds of something's watch watch more than that because i will say this it's funny the

production people on bird show were like that's our best one yet yeah they were like they've been banging out a bunch of them with a whole bunch of people in la and they're like that's our best one we it was right it was coming right i don't like to toot our own horn but we were fucking laughing a lot and they were like no joke that's the best one it came right off the heels of who's got who's got yes so we told bert the fella story. I mean, that's the most Bert Kreischer story ever. The fucking buffalo. The promo, your pants are undone in it. Yeah. I don't think I take my dick out on this show, but I fucking could.

Oh, you could just see my penis. Yeah. Why were your pants up? I don't remember why. That's either your dick or your ball bag. Why were your pants up? I don't remember why. Was that just my dick? That's either your dick or your ball bag. We had to be doing the fellas thing, right? Oh, for sure. For sure.

But I didn't know that you acted it out. Yeah. How'd that make it past the YouTube fucking... No, that was when you guys were just doing a swipe up. Yeah, yeah. Oh, at the boot. That was the most KFC radio moment we we ever had it was i have that on camera it was like one of us was filming or it was like we got to cut a promo and like a camera

went up and we just kind of looked at each other and we both just went fella i don't even think we look i think we just did it like yeah i know i know we're going with the exact same timing it was like some jedi shit shout out to kanye but But we got a lot of work to make sure our views are up there. So go watch it. It is a good episode. We cook a KFC casserole. It's delicious. It's funny.

The whole thing is awesome. But if you can't do like a whole hour of it or whatever, it ends up being a final cut. Get that fucking view. Just 30 seconds. Get that fucking view up. Watch it later. But get that fucking view. We're talking to like 25,000 people.

Get the views. Tell your friends. You'll all have to tell five people to watch it for 30 seconds. All right. We got Mark Norman and Sam Murill on the show today, so it's just jam-packed with comedy. John just had to leave. He is going to Monday Night Football in Philadelphia.

Yeah, that's Johnny Jetsetter. Agreed to go to an Eagles game not realizing it was in not realizing it was Monday Night Football in Philly. So he's got to hop a train head out there. He's with a bunch of Eagles fans, Gillis and the boys. If you want

to join them, you want to go see the Eagles last minute on Monday Night Football. You want to go see your baseball team last minute, you want to go see your favorite concert, you want to see any sort of live comedy, any sort of live entertainment, period. GameTime is the best app to get your tickets because it has up to the minute, up to the second

information, meaning prices are always changing as you get closer and closer to GameTime or first pitch or kickoff or the beginning of the show. You'll see prices drop. You'll know you're going to get the cheapest ticket or the best ticket available at the best price because they've got the technology down pat. They also say that I can be PG-13 on my ad reads here. So I can probably say like shit, but I can't say and I definitely can't do any nudity during this ad read, so keep it PG-13.

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guaranteed. I'm like there's always more to go right yeah but like you made it dude you did it oh thank you fucking did it yeah it's been cool to watch you guys too well yeah you had that tweet yesterday about like how long you've been here yeah holy shit it's almost 15 years man but like we had you back in our old studios yeah before youtube specials and all sorts of shit and it was always one of those things we know that there was like that list of comics that were all really fucking funny that hadn't really got a look yet and you guys all started like to do the youtube thing and it just fucking worked

and yeah and of course you can always go bigger and bigger but like you know it works yeah it's nice to be on netflix for this one but again like you know the ship is kind of sinking over there they might be doing ads soon so it's like i got in at the very end so i mean it's great for right now but in like a year if i maybe back it was i think it was the uh i think it was like the day that de stefano announced his special was like netflix is down 89 like mass exodus of employees i do feel like we got in we like got a ticket to the titanic and they were giving out lifeboats you know but i'll tell you yeah i know what you mean but like you're there's still cachet that comes with that totally and a new audience level that comes with

that finally get the invite on rogan like that was yeah well i got that before netflix that i just asked to go on what i said he said come on i said well i have a special coming on can i come on when the special comes out? Oh, wow. All right. I just figured it made more sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that wasn't, he's not like looking at who's on.

No, no, no. He doesn't give it. He just went. But that was another thing. Everyone was like Soder, DiStefano, and Sam are like three guys who deserve to be on there who haven't. So like, you're just checking the boxes, man. It was nice.

Yeah. Rogan was so cool. He's helping my neck. I have a fucked up neck. And he gave me this thing called the iron neck. Get the fuck out of here! Of course he is. What is the iron neck? I look like...

Is it like a device you put on? No, you put it on your head and you have to like, it's resistance and you have to do like this and this and this. See, I won't... Do you have like a hunchback thing? No, not a hunchback. I have like that are poking out of bulged discs and stuff. Oh, dude, it's hell. I got a scar here. If you do neck surgery, you go in the front, not the back.

For whatever reason, I think your spine's in the way. This is what they do with Peyton Manning. It's the opposite with my girlfriend. It's a very successful surgery if you ever have to have it. Damn. But you're okay now? Yeah, I've had a bunch of different surgeries. The one that was really successful is that.

I don't know if I can call Kevin okay now. The neck is not. The neck is not. Yeah, well, you speak for a living. They better not. You don't want to come out of there like, hey, this is Kevin. You don't want to talk like that after you turn into Tom Waits or something. Yeah, they go around your vocal cords, your trachea and all that shit,

and take the vertebrae out through. I'm surprised you like that Rogan's helping you with your neck, because I think there's nothing worse than someone helping you. You're like, no, I just wanted a bitch for a second. I don't want this fucking iron neck. You see that studio, and you look at all the equipment, and you're like, yeah, whatever you got, I'll take it. I could also see like Rogan's not the guy to vent to because he'll have a guy or a substance or a whatever.

You know, like there's a supplement that'll fix that. Or I know a guy, a doctor, a scientist. I'll try anything at this point, though. I mean, yeah. I mean, he's talking to some high-level people. So if he says it's good, I'll give it a shot. He's doing like stem cell fucking implantation and shit. He's doing it all, man.

I'm thinking of the more basic physical rehab. We've talked about that before. I have a shoulder issue. I went and I'm like, okay, so every day you do this half-hour workout. I'm like, okay, I'm just going to have a hurt shoulder first. I'm not waking up every morning and doing 30 minutes of – Dude, it was like get down on your knees and just go like this yeah i was like i'm not doing that it's not gonna happen that's exactly why um but i know exactly what you're talking about were you clockwise and i didn't do any of that that was

like post uh surgery i was a freshman in college and they were like don't do this this this and this and i like took the fucking sling off like the first night and went partying and i have now like the worst arm in the world yeah well that's what the problem is you do pt and it's like there's an occasional young guy like us but it's usually like there's like a woman in her 80s next to me and i'm just like this is my fucking person this is who i'm with and uh and i will tell you that you do feel good when you're doing like because i can do push-ups at least she can can't do shit. She's done. This is it. This is her last stop. I'll get better. No, but you do feel like shit.

Also, I live in a building with just like old people. So in that gym, there's just like old people in there. So you do feel like not as weak. It's a good place to rehab. I'm strong. I'm getting back. It's like minor league baseball before you go back to the bigs. You stop at this gym first with the olds before you hit up Equinox with the hot people.

The minor league is so fun. There's something about minor leagues. I was just in Buffalo, and they got that big park. There's something so fucking wholesome about minor league baseball. Dude, going to a minor league game is one of the more fun things. Oh, I went to the last minor league game I went to. I'm going to refrain from mentioning the name because it gets a little odd. But it was depressing. But like, it was

depressing. It was super, like, I was sitting next to the hot dogs that were not left there from that game. I'll say that. Triple A beef, too. They're not having a clean-up crew every game. Maybe weekly they have a clean-up crew. So I go to this

game and some of the, like, because there were so few people in the crowd, the GM recognizes me, just sees me sitting. He's up in the booth, and he's like, hey, fight over! Is that fight over? No, that's not me. So he comes down and takes me into the suite, which actually was on the third baseline, which was kind of sick,

like the owner suite, whatever. And then they start telling me the story of like, which is actually awesome about minor leagues, where you have like all these absolute fucking horror stories about like recruiting trips and shit like that. I swear to God, this is the story they tell me. I can't imagine it's true. I can't imagine it's true.

But they were in Japan. I don't know if it was a recruiting trip or if they were on like a playing trip or something like that. Yeah. And the players who they were trying to impress wanted to go to this club. So they go to this club. This can't be real. They told it to me.

They go to this club where the whole thing is a glass ceiling. And it's just women walking around up top. Oh, wow. Shitting. Shitting? Shitting. Wow. Just shitting on the glass floor it is japan

like i don't know if it was if it was just like the most racist joke in the world that even i didn't get damn like i was like oh that breaks the middle of my head or if he was just telling a real story about this fuck well now we really can't break the glass ceiling because it's gonna come down on us and it's gonna get ugly it was he's like he's like dude it was just women i was like there's no way there's a bunch of women just walking around in a glass room full of shit what town is you can't tell the town i can't tell the yeah i mean i can tell the town that you used to be in it's oh fuck it it was the patucket red sox i'm pretty sure that was hilarious though because i do i do relate to like when you walk if i walk into a sporting event and i get treated well, I'm like,

this ain't it. You know what I mean? You are not big enough. I go to a Knicks game and they're just like, eh. A few more years, pal. Dude, you know, there's this great short story. I'm sure none of those guys are still there because they're in Worcester Red Sox. That's a tough town.

I mean, there's this Elmore Leonard short story about this minor leaguer uh he's this guy he's like this washed up baseball player and he was trying to get a job as a casino at a greeter the whole thing is like i want to be a greeter here i'm a famous guy i've struck out don mattingly i've struck out wade boggs and then it kind of becomes clear it's like he struck them all out as minor leaguers he's a fucking loser you know it's a great story i forgot the name of it but it's uh but the climax is like so it's such a dude story where uh the guy who runs the casino is like let me if you can strike me out i'll give you a job at the casino and the guy's like all right so he just fucking throws chin music at him the first two times he's like fuck this guy and he's like just

throw one down the middle and he throws it down the middle and he hits it and he goes you're hired and his girlfriend's like why did that happen and he goes, you're hired. And his girlfriend's like, why did that happen? And he goes, after you tried to take his head off and he goes, it's part of the game. It's such a dude story.

He knows it's my plate. He knows he's proud of my plate. That's such a great story. You say that shit to a woman, they don't get it. But to a guy,

you're like, yeah, dude. Even when, there's just certain things like, yeah, of course, girls can like sports, but there's just very few that are stupid. If you're a player, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but you know, there's just certain things like yeah of course they're girls can like sports but there's just very few if you're a player yeah yeah yeah but you know it's just like

we we just treat it more ridiculous than you guys do just it ruins my what what i'm letting the meds do to my life right now like the roller coaster i love how hardcore you are too it's it's like it's it's uh it is absolutely a sickness it's an addiction, it's a mental illness It's a problem That's who I am with the Knicks I'm such a diehard Knicks fan Could you imagine if the Knicks Were closing in on

68 wins for the year 70 wins And there were fans You'd never see me on the road again I'd become that dude with the orange and blue face. Imagine if there were fans being like, ah, this team. This team's pathetic. They lost to the fucking Suns last night or whatever.

Just random shit. That's what's going on with the Mets right now. It is the most infuriating thing I've ever seen in my life. They could go all the way because of the pitching. If they don't, I'm sure they'll be called an absolute failure. It's just the worst fucking fan base in the world. Who are the other teams in the NL that could compete? Well, the problem is the Braves are in their division,

and they're just as good as them. So it's like every day has been like, well, the Braves are going to overtake us. And it's like, well, the Braves are the best team in baseball. I get all worked up about it. But they could take them in a series, don't you think? They absolutely do. But there's half the fan base who just thinks they're still bad. And it's like, no, those are the fucking – those days are gone, man.

I grew up a Yankees fan, and I'm sorry because I know you fucking hate us. But it's like I did grow up like it was my grandpa's team. I was on his lap. It was like my first few years – and this sounds like such a fucking spoiled – my first few years, Mattingly was like, oh, he was the coolest. You know, Donnie Baseball. They had Boggs, all those mustache dudes, Bernie O'Neal. And then they just started winning everything.

And then you feel guilty. You're like, this is not – spread it around a little. This is crazy. Well, I mean, that time period too. How old are you? I'm 36. Yeah, you're around the same age. I mean, it's like you're growing up through your years of being a kid who loves sports.

It's like, we win the World Series every year. It's incredible. The only person I know, I've said it about him with Boston teams, he's won as a 12-year-old when it's like, wow, dad. He's won as a kid in college where it's like, let's go to the parade and get shit-faced. And then he's won as an adult. He's seen

every fucking level. If you were ever going to have kids, thank God you're not going to. That would be the only thing left for you to do. Win with your kid or some shit. Don't do it, John. Don't have kids. I mean, really, it's just the Knicks for me.

Because Yankees, Giants, Rangers have all won. It's just the Knicks. And if they get it in my lifetime, I'll be there. I'm patient. I can wait. That's such a fucking crazy thing. I remember growing up, that was the same thing with my grandfather. I just hoped the Sox get one before I died.

And just hoping for a singular event to happen in your entire lifetime. No, that's a sickness. It could happen, though, because I will say this. If they went for that Mitchell trade, it would have been the dumbest shit ever. Everyone was like, they had a star who wanted to come here. He doesn't make sense here. He's a great player. And they would have gave up too much.

But it's more than Mello. More than we gave up for fucking Carmelo. And Mello is a way better player than Donovan Mitchell. They gave the better offer. I don't really follow basketball, so I know who Donovan Mitchell is. Is it a better offer? Colin Sexton? A dude that you have to pay if you want to keep?

I don't know if it's a better offer. I don't want to give up R.J. Barrett. I think he's like – He was involved in the offer, right? Everything I know from Knicks basketball is just through Twitter. So it is – I feel like that first – they said that they offered like R.J. and a bunch of firsts. And I don't know.

Sometimes after trades are done, I think anything you read after it's done is bullshit. Where the Knicks can be like, we offered everything. So the fans are like, oh, well, we tried. I don't think any of this is funny. I don't want to give him up. And also, no disrespect to Obi Top, and he's fun as hell.

He's super fun to root for. The fact that they didn't draft Tyrese Halliburton, everyone knew. I fucking knew. We had a kid who worked here. Does Dukes still work here yeah yeah yeah yeah Dukes Dukes uh was didn't Duke say he would like Dukes went to uh Dayton I think is where I'll be talking one right yeah and like he knew him and I'm pretty sure I'll be talking fucked his girlfriend nice there was like a story like that

where it was like yeah my girlfriend used to like hang out with Obi Toppin fucked his girlfriend. Nice. There was a story like that where it was like, yeah, my girlfriend used to hang out with Obi Toppin before me or something like that. But I just remember... You're not fucking her better than Obi fucks her. I've seen the way he elevates. His girlfriend does not have a type. Isn't that funny when you find out? I might have made that story up completely.

I had a guy come up to me and he was like, she knew Obi Toppin. And I think, I'm pretty sure I just said like, she fucked your girlfriend, dude. I had a guy come up to me and I think, I'm pretty sure I just said like, she fucked your girlfriend, dude. I had a guy come up to me on the street the other day and he goes,

Sam Morrell? And I was like, yeah, he goes, we're Eskimo brothers. And I was like, just say you like the special. What are you telling me?

And then I was like, all right, tell me who it was. And then he told me, I was like, well done. She was good. I've only ever had that

happen to me one time and it was like really early Barstool days. me, I was like, well done. Yeah, dude. She was good. I've only ever had that happen to me one time. And it was, like, really early Barstool days. Like, honestly, it was probably 10 years ago at this point. And so it was the first time anyone had ever done that, like, ever. Like, you know, even, like, in high school or college, people, like, used to think it was cool. And, like, I was at Cheers the bar in Boston. Classic. I'd never been there before.

That was my first time there. And some dude's, like, he was from, like, South Carolina because obviously no one else in that bar is from Boston. Classic. I'd never been there before. That was my first time there. And some dudes like, he was from like South Carolina because obviously no one else in that bar is from Boston. And he's like, whoa, fuck dude. Dude, I think we fucked each other's girlfriends before. And I was like, I don't know, man. It was like a love story. This is where everybody knows your name, but

this is ridiculous. This is crazy. I was like, oh, really? And then the same exact thing. I was like, who was it? And he said, and I was like, yeah, she was awesome. She was cool. Yeah, when it's good, it's good. Yeah, that is a weird thing. I mean, I'm sure pro athletes are just getting that constantly.

Yeah, I mean. Yeah. It's like, yeah, no kidding. I fucked everyone in this city. If you live in this city, we are Eskimo brothers. I fucked all of them. And it's probably like their rock bottom is our peak. Oh, absolutely.

That was like... They're like, oh yeah, I guess I fucked her. I'm like, she was the best in my life. Yeah. I really lucked out. I literally proposed to her. Simply safe. The only way at this point to protect your family, your loved ones, your belongings,

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Yo, how about this, the new gossip that i just i'm seeing breaking on twitter adam levine uh got caught cheating and it turns out when he was having his baby with his wife he was trying to name the baby after his mistress oh that is fucking that is maybe that was his subtle way of trying to tell her i mean maybe that was like he's trying to get the ball rolling serial killers like like a serial killer is leaving notes behind. Just fucking kill and leave. Why do you want to be caught so bad? See you later, Adam Levine, bro. I can tell you right now it's going to not be a fun five years,

and it's going to be way worse for you, homie. That is some deeply sick shit. That is pretty bad. To just be like, let's name her Jessica. It's like, why? Why Jessica? No reason. He's trying to defend. He's like, it's just a good name. It's just a really good name. let's name her Jessica. It's like, why? Why Jessica? No reason. He's trying to defend.

He's like, it's just a good name. It's just a really good name. It's a strong name. It's a person who can keep a secret. I'll tell you that much. It's, you know. Adam Levine, that guy, damn. That's not good for a guy.

He judges one of those shows. He's so fine. It's the one where you spin around. Yeah. He's like, household name. Your's so famous. The voice. It's the one where you spin around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's like household name. Your mom knows and loves him type shit. That's not going to go well. Or maybe it will because I don't fucking know.

Some people just get that pass. I just feel like dude's that famous. I'm like, I just assume they cheat, I think. Well, I mean. But he also, it's not like fucking high school sweetheart. It's fucking, it's Bahati Prinslow, right? Oh. Who's the famous person? She's like Victoria's Secret, My Life. Oh, wow. Something like that. Yeah, see, that's not like a fucking high school sweetheart. It's Bahati Prinslow, right? Oh, it's a famous person? She's a Victoria's Secret model, I think. Oh, wow.

Yeah, see, that's tough. Sometimes women are happy, though, when you cheat down because their friends are like, I mean, you're so much hotter. But if it's a Victoria's Secret model, they're just like, this shit happened. You can't say much, right? It's Victoria's Secret. I think at that point, ultimate Sorry I don't know

Why this popped up You're talking Cheating down When Arnold fucked his maid Yes One of my all time Mr. Universe Just bang

Married to a Kennedy I still think Yeah Is that worse Than Tiger with the Perkins waitress The Perkins waitress Well Tiger fucked everybody Yeah

So it's like we were saying Arnold Arnold groped a lot of people Arnold wanted to fuck his maid Arnold's one of the fucks, man. Arnold's so interesting because you see him speak about, like, Kristallnacht or whatever, you know, I'm destroying the pronunciation there. But when he does that Night of the Broken Glass speech about the Nazis,

you're like, oh, my God, Arnold is such a moving public speaker. And then a minute later, someone walks by, he just grabs her ass. It's amazing you can be both those things. Like, you're still just a dude. Oh yeah, no doubt. Burr's bit about him is one of my favorite. It's brilliant. He's going to get famous just by lifting weights. Everyone's like,

no way. He's like, alright, I'm going to become an American. I'm a state I can't pronounce. California. He's like all in his man. Well, John Edwards, remember the politician John Edwards, the vice presidential nominee? His wife's got cancer

and he's fucking that woman like outside the hotel. That was tough. Yeah. That was a bad one too. Your wife's got cancer. You got to really not get caught cheating. Especially if your whole brand is likability.

You know? You got to not do that. That dude, he was probably already cheating. Probably. He got cancer and he was like... I never trusted his smile. He had a really wormy smile.

He was like a little too handsome. Like a fucking politician. Yeah. None of them should ever be actually smiling. Wait, how old were we for this? Were you a little too involved in politics at a young age? I was probably 18. Okay.

That's like when you kind of get into it usually. I was a little later. I think I was a little later. I went to college and lived with three people from Texas and was like 18. Okay. No, that's like when you kind of get into it usually. I was a little later. I think I was a little later. I went to college and lived with three people from Texas and was like, all right. I think it's time for me to draw a line in the sand. I got a picky side here, I think. It's time. It's time.

Is that true that three guys are from Texas that you live with? Yeah. That's wild. That's tough. That's why you got to go to college, though, I think. You know? Yeah. It's not about school or whatever.

It's like you live with three guys from Texas That's why Homeschooling is the worst Not because of just being around your parents You gotta see Why your family's weird Yeah You gotta get out of there

I mean that's like Yeah That's what I love about the road Is every weekend I'm in a different city And I'm just seeing different people Yeah And talking to different people I'm like this is good for you

It's also good to just say a bit That I'm passionate about And see if it just falls completely flat Yeah I mean like I'm doing, this is good for you. It's also good to just say a bit that I'm passionate about and see if it just falls completely flat. I mean, I'm doing an anti-gun bit in Kentucky over the weekend and I'm like, oh, this is a fucking wild ride. I'm getting booed. I'm like, let's soak this up.

I think if you can turn bombing into a competitive thing like that, it's almost fun. As long as it only lasts for like 30 seconds. Yeah, that's like... As long as you don't as long as it only lasts for like 30 seconds yeah that's like uh but as long as you don't milk it too long like sometimes you just want to dig a hole just to see if you can get out yeah you know and uh and they were kind of dead so i'm like i'll just start poking them and seeing what hits and then they and then they kind of got better i mean

we were at uh where we go the cellar or what's the store in LA in LA the comedy store and we watched somebody bomb and he was just screaming at the crowd about it like you fucking assholes

I'm killing up here you guys are the fucking morons and it was so so bad and he absolutely was not killing and it was I mean if you say I'm killing

and you're clearly not you look like a psycho and he was like this side of the room is okay and he's like, they don't like you that much either. They hate you a little bit less. That's not overcharacterizing.

My favorite is when a comic is clearly bombing and he just goes, you guys are fun. No, they're not. I hate the blaming of the crowd. I do it all the time, but I also admit that... I had one crowd that was just screaming shit out the time, but I also admit that... But you know... I mean, Louisville, I had one crowd that was just screaming shit

at the whole set and I'm just like, fuck you animals. Louisville, I had fun there. Fuck you animals. Yeah, but you know the thing is... There are goddamn rules.

There are social rules up here. They think they're better than you because they know bourbon. They're like Somalis in the deep south, but they're still guttural alcoholics. You're still wrapping your car around a fucking pole.

You just can smell caramel notes, and I'm missing. You're not better than me. No, they were cool. They were fine. Lexington's way better than Louisville, if we're going to continue. It's just a better vibe for comedy, at least. Stand-up comics probably know this country better than anybody in the world. Yeah, I would guess that.

Because even if you're a politician and you travel, you're not going to clubs and bars. You're doing a stump speech. I'm not going to Croatia, but I could tell you a shitload about a Biloxi, Mississippi. I could tell you a shitload about Arkansas, Alabama. Places that I would never, ever consider going. Oh, man, they fucking hated me in Huntsville, Alabama. That was interesting because they have that space museum. ever consider going yeah oh man they fucking hated me in huntsville alabama that was like that was interesting because they have that they have that uh space museum and by the way the

museum they have like video games in the museum i'm like this is what it takes to get a person in alabama to a museum you gotta have like fucking video games and shit i know huntsville is like a smart city all but they're engineers smart where they're like all right they're they're book smart but they're social fucking yeah yeah you know what i mean uh also they have like, all right, they're book smart, but they're social fucking lunatics. You know what I mean? Also, they have like, it's named after that Nazi, one of the museums. And I was making jokes about it, and they're just like this. I'm like, oh, you got to let me joke about the Nazi.

Come on. If your town's known for the Nazi museum, you got to fucking. Von Braun, am I pronouncing it right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he came here and he did some good stuff, but he was a Nazi. Yeah, that guy was a, yeah, I mean, he came here and he did some good stuff, but he was a Nazi. Yeah, that guy was a – yeah, I mean, we had a free agency draft, basically, with the Nazis. We scooped up, like, the best Nazis and brought them over here. And, like, yeah, they didn't really believe in it.

No, he was like Dirk. He panned out over here. He did good. Did a good job. It really – it is like – You got to take the best. It's like a free agent, though, where it's like, you know, he's got, you know, a record or a DUI or whatever, but it's like, have you seen.

Bit of a locker room cancer. Yeah, a little. He's got some problems, but like, he'll get you to the fucking moon. We'll put a man on the moon with this guy. I promise you that much. I love doing the road, man. I get, it's the best. Like it's, you go crazy every couple of weeks, but it's.

Do you think you'll just do it like forever? I don't know. I mean, that's, my mom is like, please get off the road. Stop go crazy every couple weeks, but it's still good. Do you think you'll just do it forever? I don't know. I mean, my mom is like, please get off the road. She's so – I remember when I was like 24 going hard on the road. She was like, think if this is the life you want. And you know what? Sometimes your mom is right. I was like, what are you talking about, mom? I don't know how you guys do it.

But I'm like, fuck, it does take a toll on the body. I'm like, sure. That's not how you get your neck better by just flying every week and connect flights and stress and cars not showing up. Have you ever had a paycheck, like a steady paycheck? A steady paycheck? Have you ever done that in your life? Yeah. I would do like part-time shit, but it was never like a full-time thing.

Because like you're – I mean you guys have the potential to make however much you can by – I'll take more spots. And then if you get big, like it just keeps going. I can't say no. Yeah. I also feel like a lot of you guys are just like well to me i'm out every week i just can't say no it's hard i don't know when it's gonna go away i also feel like if i had a good routine that i knew was like i could do it easily and i was like offer had an offer i think i could just sit at home tonight or just go make another you know five grand ten grand whatever you know whatever you're making now it's uh it's it's crazy yeah it's crazy i can't turn shit down so uh i'll work like every week and then every once in a while you're like i'm getting every once in a while you'll talk to people i met son neil brennan at

the comedy store in la and he's like you're on the road every week like how do you do that i was like i just never feel good what do you mean? How do I do it? It's very simple. I power through it with blues and depression. I plan it perfectly, though. I'm really good at the coffee to alcohol transition. I'll get the coffee going through the first show like 7 p.m.

and then the middle show, I'll have one whiskey. End of the show, I'll have another. I'm like, perfectly planned buzzes. I don't waste a buzz. You're like Maradona when he used to get his breaks he had scheduled breaks

to just get fucked I'm a lot like Maradona we're very similar no you know but every once in a while you're like yeah I talk to comics

who they can't you know they don't tour when they don't have new stuff like they need I've talked to comics who are like I need an hour

before I go back on the road. I need to always do it just so I can... I can't write a new hour in the city. I need to go to cities. To experience shit or something like that? Yeah. Experience shit, but also just have an hour every night because you don't get that in the city.

I'll do an hour here sometimes, but if I'm on the road, I'll do an hour twice a night sometimes. So that will make you write. Yeah, I love that. How many days a week? I'll do like five of those a week usually sometimes six and then i'll do like sometimes an hour in the city but like i yeah i like it i like doing the long sets where like it's got to stop eventually though no i mean i don't know i look at guys like cigar i'm like

but don't you feel like tom is doing this i feel like tom is gonna stop for like a decent amount of time after this you gotta ask him i don't know he seems like he's got a healthy routine too he lost all that weight he's gonna train with him on the road he's doing rich very well he's like but also in his new in his new hour he talks about how he's been really hitting it hard lately he's's like, I'm trying to drink more. He's like, I hang out with Burt all the time. I'm trying to drink a lot more these days. I mean, he's got the trainer with him at all times.

He eats healthy. It's all nice new clothes, new cars. I feel like he just knows that right now, like you said, now's the time to get it. It's like thousands of tour dates, it's like, now's the time to get it. I mean, he's, it's like thousands of tour dates. It seems like it's insane. It's hard to ever say no to the work when it's there, because you know, there are people who are like,

you know, I, I, you know, I just, you just said a special command. I'm like, well,

that's kind of when you want to get a new special. Right. And then in the winter, you're like, well, you got to go to bigger venues. So, well,

that is, I think the most unhealthy part about, uh, our, our world's overlap a lot, overlap a little bit, but not quite as much. But it's like you sell out a show. You put a theater on sale, right?

And you're like, I want to sell this one out, right? And you do. And it happens to go fast. And you add a second show. And then you're fretting that the second show didn't sell out when originally all you wanted to do was sell out the first one. So you're never satisfied, which I guess is a good good thing but also i think an unhealthy thing i was just talking just be happy like just be happy that that video did well and you don't need to make a second one right away or that that show sold out you don't need to add three exactly we we don't we always

want more and that's the nature of these shows and social media i mean you post something and you're just like oh this didn't get as many likes as I, I gotta just disengage and not look, I'll post it and go away. And then of course every once in a while you look back and you're like, oh come on, you know, like that's it? But you gotta disengage a little bit from that, from the social media and the shows.

Do you, I know Chris, he like, has people do his social media now. Are you on your social media? I'm on it, yeah, I gotta get someone to do it. I don like doing the problem is i forget all my passwords so i don't i don't know how to do that you can't get someone to do it for you i could probably log in i probably could yeah do you think that i always the difference is like we our job is the internet really yeah there you have they have a thing that they do that they use the internet to like promote where like we just do the internet.

Everything's just for stand-up. Which is less and less now. But everything's for stand-up with us. I would love to just be an old school comic and you do one Carson spot and then you're like, all right, go on tour. Half the grind. It's hilarious. You think about being a comic in the 80s. You could tour in the same hour for like eight years.

I have to write a new one every seven months. And I'm like, I'm fucking tired, dude. Dude, yeah. I mean, I know when people say like that guy's been doing the same act for like a decade, it's like frowned upon. But also it's like, I don't know, man. Oh, I did a show in Louisville. If you can do it, do it.

Fuck it. I did 50 new minutes out of the gate. And then I was like, I can't think of another new one off the top of my head. So I did one old joke. And a guy in the crowd screamed out the punchline. Really? And I was like I can't think of another new one off the top of my head so I did one old joke and a guy in the crowd screamed out the punchline really and I was like the one fucking just the one old joke I did that's crazy and I'm like it's a badge of honor too though it's like you guys know it is but I felt like a fucking cheese dick yeah I was like oh that's so lame I've never once cared about that yeah and then he was like I'm a huge fan and I'm like okay what

you know whatever he's in the front row he goes I'm a huge fan. He's in the front row. He goes, I'm a huge fan. I'm coming to the late show, too. I'm like, sit him in the fucking back this time, please. You're going to know all the jokes. God damn. That's the new punchline. I'm like, come on. No, he was a fan.

Do you get that? Sometimes we'll do two shows and the second show, we'll be like, who's here from the first show? And it'll be like a decent chunk. Why did we ask that fucking question now in my own head about like you're gonna hear the same fucking thing yeah i remember doing this show there was this room in uh wilmington north carolina called the dead crow and this guy was always like really nice to me it was a small venue but like you know you'd have to do the late show and they couldn't sell the tickets so they'd be like we're bringing people

back and i'd be like i'm doing the same show what do you want me to do the late show, and they couldn't sell the tickets, so they'd be like, we're bringing people back. And I'd be like, I'm doing the same show. What do you want me to do? That was a young comic, and he was just like, you know, you'd have to do new shit. You just have to come up with new shit. Do some crowd work. You're like, I can't do it. Or I'm doing the same jokes. But that's the kind of shit where that's probably why you're as good as you are today.

I mean, dude. I mean, that's like the minor leagues, man. You're on the bus, you know, fucking grinding it out. I love Bill Durham. It's such a good movie. I mean, that's... the minor leagues, man. You're on the bus, you know, fucking grinding it out. I love Bill Durham. Such a good movie. I mean, that's... I love the spirit of the minor leagues. I love the spirit of, like, the G League. I love that they, like, they're just in it for love of the game. The people who are lifelong

minor leaguers have something wrong with them. When I hear that you're a minor leaguer for, like, 12 years, if you have any more than, like, 100 minor league home runs, you need to just, like, accept that it's not happening. You're like the Babe Ruth of the minors. It's like, guess what, man, you need to just like accept that it's not happening. You're like the Babe Ruth of the minors. It's like, guess what, man?

You need to just like go work at a grocery store. How about Shane Spencer? Yeah. Remember Shane Spencer? That dude was in the minors for like six years. And then had that moment. Yeah. Fuck Shane Spencer.

Kelly Duncan, all those fucking inbred gangsters. How about Jeremy Lin? Everyone's thinking, hey, man, you get your moment. Because to get even there, you have to be so good. Yeah's thinking, hey man, you get your moment. To get even there, you have to be so good. So they all think, I get that moment. But the thing,

Jeremy Lin was able to parlay that. I think he's given speeches and shit, Jeremy Lin. He got like a 30 something million dollar deal. He also got paid,

yeah. The other guys, I think, just had their moment and then it was like, yeah, you can't hit a curveball, go back to the fucking minors.

That's like half your job, by the way. When I hear players can't hit curveballs, I'm like, that's like one of the most popular pitches. You've got to hit that. You've got to hit. That's the thing. There are guys who throw that a majority of the time.

That was when I checked out. Barry Zito comes in, they're like, this guy can't even play. As soon as they started throwing breaking balls at whatever age that is, like your early teens, I was like, well, I quit. The ball is moving out of the way of my back. That's not fair. Who's the guy in the Mets? Dickie, R.A. Dickie.

Yeah, the knuckleball. I love when dudes have to reinvent themselves. I love in all sports when a guy is – he's like a solid player, and then at like 38 he figures it out. And you're like, what the – when do you see that in sports? That dude just starts throwing a knuckler. The knuckleball is also so much fun. Remember when the Red Sox had Doug Mirabelli get a fucking...

Oh, the escort? The police escort to get him to the fucking field on time? Dude, monster. Because he's the only guy who could catch it because it's impossible to catch a fucking knuckleball. There was one time where I was like... I'd never seen one up close. Not a professional one.

I'd seen your friend in high school fucking around. I could throw a knuckleball, and I watched Wake one up in a bullpen once. I was like, this is crazy. It's also hilarious that someone does anything. There are dudes that can throw 100 miles an hour, and you're like, okay, I can see why that strikes a guy out. But to see a world-class athlete just see a ball go like this, you're like, ugh. But, I mean, he gave up the home run to Aaron Boone. It's also like sometimes it doesn't move, and then it's just on the team.

But also, Wake was such a guy that he was, like, never did he get even a semblance. And, granted, we won the very next year. But, like, never did he get a semblance of the Buckner treatment, where it was like couldn't go out in Boston. Oh, yeah. I think he told stories like people bought him beers that night and like that kind of shit but it was too important Buckner didn't deserve the Buckner treatment

no I agree he deserved like a you know bad couple weeks a lifetime of pain but the fact that that's your whole thing when you're like a solid MLB player that's crazy my dad was at that game and he was he was like with my uncle in my uncle's seats.

And it was, this was in October. So I had just been born. And this guy, my dad was getting a beer, had a Red Sox hat on at Shea. And a guy turned around and was like, hey, do you want tickets to game seven if it goes seven? Like, I got tickets. I want to give them to a Sox fan. And my dad was like, I just had a kid. Like, I can't go from here up to Boston for seven. I got tickets. I want to give them to a Sox fan. And my dad was like, I just had a kid. Like, I can't go from here up to Boston for seven.

I got to pass. And he's like, all right. I don't know if he introduced himself first or second, but he's like, I'm Bill Buckner's brother. And then. I don't know that story. Wow. Oh, my God.

But now my dad has this weird connection to that play. Like, in our, like, Hall of of fame whatever you want to call it man cave where it's like covered in autographs and shit of pro boston events we have that picture autographed by buckner and and mookie wilson it's like it was a huge moment in my life where i learned to like yeah i could commit to family or i could see your dad doing that and also telling the story like having it be like a punchline, like, and that guy was Bill Buckley. Yeah, yeah.

His dad's story. I was at the Ewing finger roll game. We got tickets from Patrick Ewing's brother. It was, no, I'm kidding. No, I was at that game, though. Yeah, it was the way it. Oh, no, he just got married. It was 86, so he just got married.

Not you. Not me. But the Ewing finger roll rolling out. Heartbreak. Heartbreak. I hated the Pacers like no other. That was a rivalry, though. That was great.

I mean, Reggie Miller was just a great villain. That was. He was an all-time asshole. But he was just clutch. One of your side films was when Kramer goes out with Miller. When Spike Lee gets in a fight on the court, and then Kramer, Spike Lee, and Reggie Miller the or they get a fight on the court and then Kramer Spike Lee and Reggie Miller go to a strip club I don't remember that one you would know

Seinfeld right I remember the Murphy episode where they're trying to get tickets I don't remember it is I'm like 99.99 I'm sure you're right I uh Kramer's are you still doing that what they don't make an appearance Kramer's time is short no I don't do a Seinfeld podcast I do the one with Norman we make me drunk and then I start a one with Julian Edelman

yeah how's that going all the games with names it's great man was that just Jewish Connection Jewish Connection dude Illuminati no we

did you go to camp together we went to summer camp and he was a slightly better athlete no it's so it's so just humiliating changing next to him because we would backlog a bunch of episodes and we'd just change next to each other.

And I'm like, oh, this is so cruel that I have to look at his body while shifting into my next outfit. He's so ripped. And he'll shit on his physique. And I'm like, dude. He'll be like, yeah, I'm just not in shape yet. And I'm just like, dude, your legs are huge.

Like, this is embarrassing. That is a very funny thought to just think of you two, like, finishing a pod and be like, all right. Welcome back. It's another episode. Yeah, one of us is like hiding our body in the corner of the other. Just like, whatever. No, we have great guests, man. We just had Paul Pearson.

We had Michael Vicks on the new one. Peyton Manning, Eli. Great guests. Yeah, yeah. You got those guys, right? I booked them. I know Paul Pierce very well. You know, he didn't know them.

It's weird. They played in Boston at the same time, but I had to bring Paul in. No, it's great. And, yeah, the premise is just we take the greatest game. We're in search of the greatest game ever. So then we take people from the games. First episode with Eli Manning, 18 wins and one giant loss.

The Patriots. Teddy Bruschi was on that one, too. He's great. Greatest game ever. Yeah, it's a fucking great idea. It's a fun game. It wasn't mine. I mean, my greatest game ever is a pretty easy one.

I was in the crowd for it. 28-3. 28-3 is a pretty big one. 28-3, come back, and Super Bowl is a pretty big one. We did that one crowd for it. 23. 22-3. 28-3 comeback in the Super Bowl was a pretty big one. We did that one. Julian also played in that one. Yeah. Oh, he made that catch, right?

He made that incredible catch. That was incredible. That was incomplete. That's incomplete. We just taped that one with Amendola for that episode. I mean, that one's...

Because he made some big plays that game, too. That was one... I have to give a shout-out. I mean, Hank, who he produces part of my take here, him and I watched that game in the crowd. You went in the bathroom, right?

We were in a Pat's section. And Hank has done this in multiple Super Bowls where he's like, I'm the bad luck. I gotta leave. Multiple times he's been in the stadium and left for the fourth quarter. And he did this one for the same thing. He sat on the concourse. For the Seahawks Super Bowl for the fourth quarter. And he did this one for the same thing. He sat on the concourse.

For the Seahawks Super Bowl for the fourth quarter, he sat in a single stall. This one, he sat out on the concourse just looking out. He couldn't see a TV. He wasn't anything. Just stared looking out. Wow. He's like William Macy in the cooler or something.

Remember that movie? Dude, to not watch the game. It's one thing to be like, I'll watch it on a TV. Yeah, that's a bit much. I'm just going to stare at the sky. I believe I'm correct in the Seahawks when he was in a literal bathroom stall. Which, the fourth quarter of the football game is a fucking mess, dude. Disgusting.

Like an absolute mess. And also, the fourth quarter lasts like an hour to be in it that long. It's fucking disgusting. And like Brady just got his to be in it that long. It's fucking disgusting. And like Brady just got his powers because he left the arena. It's fucking hilarious. It was like even the whole crowd knew of Hank's like – or our whole section knew of Hank's like fourth quarter antics. So when they left, it was like a bit of a like, all right, something might be happening to you guys. And then like everyone was like no one fucking talk.

No one fucking talk. And then I think right after it sucks when that because it works so now he thinks it was him yeah right it's like when you're on a flight

and you're just like you know oh I did something bad the plane's gonna crash like as if God would punish all these other people because you did something stupid it's like there's a

it's incredibly narcissistic yeah like this is this is my doing to think that you have any power over anything in this world yeah Hank might at some part he doesn doesn't talk about it in parties,

of his brain, think he's more important than Tom Brady. Absolutely. If you put him on a lie detector test and be like, are you somewhat responsible for that Super Bowl? He'd be like, no, no. Hello Fresh is the only reason my co-host is even alive at this point. He has informed us that he is lactose intolerant. He can't eat anything dairy anymore, although he's just going to keep doing it.

He's on heartburn medicine that causes dementia and delirium, and he's not going to stop eating spicy foods. He has pancreatitis, but he won't stop drinking. He's just going to power his way through all of it. The only thing that saves him and keeps him alive to do this podcast is HelloFresh, the number one meal kit delivery service where you can get fresh ingredients, all pre-portioned and pre-measured out, delivered right to your door where you can cook nice, tasty, and even somewhat healthy meals in just 20 minutes or less.

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HelloFresh.com slash KFC65. Promo code KFC65. Dude, I can't stand the way the media is handling the Tom Brady Giselle stuff I think it's so shitty well they're just like that's how it's gonna go bro yeah I guess

if you're that famous but like they're just like they're living separately I'm like let them break up if they break up report it

well I think they first of all it's like of course they live even when you're a happily married couple you're on that level you're living separately

you're on the road in Milan. Giselle's over at Mod's Venus in fucking Tampa. Yeah. Right. She's hanging out at Triple H – not Triple H. Hulk Hogan's bar. What is Giselle Bunchen doing in Tampa? That's what I think was –

That's a good point. It was those rumors like 10 years ago that they were like on the rocks, and I think that was just kind of like tabloid shit but then the rumors came up again and then there was a quote from her that was like i put in my time like i i yeah i lived in like boston and and now i'm around tampa a lot like it's my time to be like on the runways in fucking milan we should be like on the almofi coast in like the mediterranean and instead i'm sitting in the fucking tamp Bay Bucks parking lot. We're getting a divorce! I don't think anyone can blame her. The last one they had, which at this time in my life I was a lot more volatile. I remember you and Dan would fucking needle me and I'd get furious.

I'd like throw shit around my room. Oh yeah, we were like, oh, they're going to be broken up by the end of the day. They're in love! They fucking love each other! It's going to be tough for both be tough. Every couple goes through things. But for both of them to go on dates after this and they break up, it's going to be hard because it's hard to find another Tom Brady. Tom Brady's got to be a weirdo dating too, no?

Who? I would. I can see Giselle. Giselle will be fine. I think Tom Brady is a fucking. Ordering with people. He goes, no tomatoes, no mushrooms, no... Oh, he hasn't eaten out

in probably a decade. He probably hasn't left that house in a decade. That's another reason why he's not eating. Because the last time he went out... I remember the last time

there were divorce rumors, it was just the fact that he was on a plane with Ben Affleck. Ben's gotta be fucking shit. It was like... And so was Ben's mistress. And it was like,

it must be so cool to be so hot that Brady was on the plane too so he definitely fucked her He had to be fucking her What do you mean? I was just hanging out with my friends Nah nah you're hot she's hot You're around another girl I think Affleck's a good hang Oh yeah Cause he's way top of the list

He parties, he knows so much about film He knows sports He's like a normal guy He's also top of the list. Because he parties. He knows so much about film. He knows sports. He's like a normal guy. He's also a great director. Yeah. The town is unbelievable. I think Argo's way better. I haven't even seen Argo.

I gotta watch Argo. Really? Argo's awesome. Argo deserved all the acclaim. Yeah, he's a beast. Gone baby gone. He's got his sags and fucking just seems like one of the guys. Anyone who, I believe the story is he got that back tattoo absolutely hammered.

And anyone with that tattoo is... That thing is... I mean, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. It's so bad, it's good. You're a fucking... Yeah. It's also like to be a world-class Hollywood guy.

Can you picture John Wayne just being like back tattooed? Like what? Humphrey Bogart. He's got a tramp stamp. You're like, really? Doesn't it take a long time to get those? Yeah. Multiple sittings?

That couldn't have been one second. But the outline is your shit face. You're like, well, I guess I got to keep going with it. Whoa, J-Lo's pegging him. She has to look at that thing. But we heard recently that he read like 15 pages of vows at his wedding too. Oh, wow. 12.

It was 12 pages of vows. His vows were 12 pages long, and then we did the math on that, and it was like 40 minutes. It was like a 36, roughly 500 words per page of paper and da-da-da. 12 pages. It was like a 36-minute vows speech. It was just the beginning of Good Will Hunting 2. No, he did

quote one of his movies in it. Really? It was Into the Night, In the Night. The one where he's like a bootlegger. It's like him in this big white suit. It was not a well-received movie. It's a wild movie

to choose to put in your vows. I think the line was something along the lines of, like, this is heaven, we're in it now. Which, to be fair, isn't really a good quote for a movie. But the people in the crowd picked it out fast. Like, live by night. Live by night. That was live by night.

He just quotes the scene. He's fucking Charlize Theron in Reindeer Games. She's like, this is weird. He's just grunting. He's like, ah, ah. As I said in a great movie with Gary Sinise. Yeah, he'd be up there at the top of my list. I feel like him, back in the day before things really blew up for them,

like him and Matt Damon, whoever else was in that crew, was probably a wrecking crew. Yeah, Matt Damon seems cool, too. We had Danny DeVito in here. I saw that. That was amazing. Dude, he used to roll with Jack Nicholson,

Robin Williams, Balushi. Dude, one of the cuckoos in the movie together. Yeah, and they were all And he directed the movie with, didn't he do a Jimmy Hoffa movie

with Nicholson that he directed? I think that's what we were talking about. Yes, that's what we were talking about, yeah. They were all either working together

or on the same set or down the block from each other so they would all hang out afterwards. And then what did he say? Imagine getting shit-faced with young Danny DeVito. Just like this little fucking guy who's still a megastar.

And one of the funniest. I mean, dude, Taxi is one of the best shows of all time. He's one of the nicest dudes I've ever met. But the thought of him just tearing up the town. Somebody brought up something and he said, well, that was the 80s and everything was getting snowblown. Yeah, he goes, he just got snowblown the whole time. And he just shrugged like that. So that's what it is, you know?

Yeah, I have a decade of my life I just did copious amounts of cocaine. His daughter was right next to him. He got snowblown. What do you mean? But yeah, right. And he's so funny now. He's like, now I'd like to do everything in moderation. Yeah, imagine if they were 40 years without, you didn't do that. Yeah, he's had funny now. He's like, now I'd like to do everything in moderation. Yeah, in my opinion.

They were 40 years without that. You didn't do that. Yeah, he's had the longevity, too. Well, yeah, Sonny and everything. He's just been relevant for so long. Well, before Frank, though, I would have never, like, now as Frank, if there's any part of him that's like that lifestyle, it's almost like, all right, I can envision it. Yeah, yeah.

But the thought of, like, you know, like funny twins, Arnold DeVito, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito, just, like, blowing lines and partying in the club. It's like, what? Come here, babe. Dude, there's the scene with Frank where he does. They think. No, Sonny's very good at making it seem like it's just the one person alone. Yeah, and then pans to somebody else. And then Danny comes into the office.

He's like, we're not in the office. The bar is just grunting. He pours himself a shot. He takes out a full Ziploc bag of coke. And he's just got his nose in it. And the opening seems like 10.30 a.m. or whatever. And then he goes, oh, what are you doing here? And they're like, Frank, is cocaine a big party of mornings

he's like I mean yeah sometimes I was like the way he did it I was like oh that's just he's had this conversation

he's done that before yeah like to know that Danny's run wild like that is he's an all time legend yeah that's a crew it was who Nicholson

Nicholson him Davido Nicholson Belushi Rob Williams Rob Williams damn damn crazy damn So Nicholson, him, DeVito, Nicholson, Belushi. Robin Williams. Robin Williams.

Damn. Damn. Fucking damn. I mean, it doesn't get much. I couldn't think of like, I think someone said Farley, but there's really no way to even add to that crew. Who else? Who are the historic partiers? I mean, I guess you do.

Maybe too young. I mean, there's rock stars. No, no, but you say in the fantasy world, if you could put together your crew. Geez, I don't want to party with a guy that overdoses, though. I want to party with him. Not for a while, dude. He has a good year. He could still run it back then.

Damn. Yeah, that can't beat that. I mean, he's another guy you would talk about longevity. He's been doing it for, like, 40, 50 years. Danny DeVito? Yeah. Yeah. Got in the game in, like, the 70s.

I think he might have said the end of the 60s. Yeah. I could be mistaken on that, but. Yeah, he's been around. So when you're in, you know, Missouri or whatever, just like me and Danny, man. It's our lives. Missouri's a tough state, man.

Yeah, we deemed it the worst in the union. Yeah, that's actually a new bit. And people did not like that. That's a new, actually it's a new bit in my set, which is right now where I was with a woman a few years ago in St. Louis, and she asked me if I had a condom, and I was like, you think I want to come back to Missouri? And I was like, I don't know when I play Missouri later this year.

I don't know which state I'm going to sub. I don't know. Connecticut's kind of shitty, but I got to think of it. It's hard to. It's hard. Missouri's perfect. We did Missouri. We did Bruins, Blues, Stanley Cup.

We were going back and forth a lot. And I had never been to St. Louis before. And I, like, sent a tweet, like, being like, yo, where can I get, like, dip at, like, 9 p.m. on a Sunday? And everyone's like, dude, if you're outside right now, get inside. I was like, where is this? In St. Louis. I was like, it's 9 p.m. on a Sunday in St. Louis. It was heavy responses.

I was like, I'm in downtown St. Louis. Every convenience store is closed. Where do people get tins here? Overwhelming response. Dude, get inside. Oh, yeah. I was like, wait, is there a storm coming? Oh, no.

I played a lot of those areas. I remember doing Valley Park there. The gig, I don't even think the club's there anymore. It was a Funny Bone. There's another Funny Bone still there, but one of them, it was in between a gun store and a bird store. A bird store? Birds and guns.

That's right. And those were more packed than my show. So I'm telling you, more people. But it was a weird week. I a weird uh week and yeah i played st louis so many times yeah i mean i remember last time i was there with my buddy gary veder the hotel ward hard to find a good hotel in uh st louis gary veder he calls me he's like there's pubes on my bed they stopped cleaning those rooms during the pandemic yeah and then and then gary goes to he goes i need another room. And then Gary goes to, he goes, I need another room.

He goes, there's pubes. And he goes, oh, sorry. Hopefully the next one's better. He said, hopefully. Like, that's. No promise. No one gives a shit. The next one actually is a pile of shit.

So it's up to you. I'll go back to the pube room. I'll go. I'll tough it out. The devil you know, man. The devil you know. My favorite, like, bad state thing I've ever seen was I was driving. I went to school in Florida.

I went to FSU. So I was driving home from school that year, and I was going through just all those states. I honestly don't remember what state I was in. It was either Georgia or Alabama. There's a Cracker Barrel. That's all I know. Dude, it was a stretch of just wasteland.

Nothing, nothing, nothing for miles as far as i could see and then i'm coming up i see this building and it's a double building and it was a firework factory in a preschool like they had nothing but land as far as the eye could see to keep these two places separate and it was just like explosions and children like just right there well a lot of those places they say the cost of living is cheap here i'm like is it living yeah yeah really can we qualify this as living man no look i get it for retirement i get it like if you just want space and you know i mean then you go to a diner in those places you get like an omelet coffee hash browns bacon and it's like 8.37 8.35 and you're like i mean i get that yeah that's why

i don't get the old people who live in new york like lifetime new yorkers yeah like you can still can you imagine like do it and being a lifetime new yorker a lifetime new yorker and then you have to go hang out in biloxi yeah yeah you're right you're right that's that's like uh you know joe paterno that's how I hope to go. I'll be in my 80s. I'll be walking down a subway stairs. I'll be taking too long. Some young kid just pushed me.

I'm just fucking dead. Wouldn't that be the way to go? Push me in front of the tracks. They make the train, though. I go like I'm like Obi-Wan for them. They make the subway. People on the train right now, a guy was fucking me so hard on the train. I was on the train. This guy's like in my face.

I'm with a friend of mine, and he's in my face. So I sit down, and he sits like right down next to me. And I'm like, they're on drugs. You can't say shit, right? So he's just sitting next to me. So I get up, and I put my hand on the pole thing. And he gets up, and he puts his hand right above my hand. And it was my friend's stop.

I know he's fucking with me. I can't do anything. And my friend gets off, and no one helps. They're just looking at you like thank god that's not me we've all been in that situation so then he gets off and uh my friend gets off and i'm just stuck with the guy he's like give me a look like i hope you're okay and i'm like yeah me too i don't know what's gonna happen yeah so i get off and i i get off the train and i sit back down he sits down with me again so then it's like my stop is next i gotta say something yeah so i get off the train, and I sit back down. He fucking sits down with me again. So then it's like my stop is next.

I'm like, I got to say something. So I get off the train, and he fucking follows me off the train. So he's just following every move. He follows me every move. You've got to do one of those, like, jump off the train as the doors are closing. I got off, and as I turn around, I just go, what? And he goes, ah, and he falls back on the train, and the door's shut. And I was like, oh, my God.

I had, like, one gulp of manliness in me. Mustard. Thank God. How far would I have let that go? Call the next special one gulp of manliness. That sounds like something else. I don't know. It's not going to be the story you think it is, man.

I love it, dude. All right. So the Netflix special is out. Same time tomorrow. Same time tomorrow. Same time tomorrow. You're touring. Sounds like everywhere. So hit up samorell.com.

Yeah, I'm everywhere. I'm gone. This weekend, Irvine, California, then Omaha, then Phoenix, then Lexington, Kentucky. Do you stay out there for a little while? I was going to stay out, but I had so many 10-day stretches out where I was like, I just got to get

the fuck out of here. So I'm cutting the L.A. trip a little short this time just to have a... Even having like two nights here makes a difference. Yeah, get back home a little bit. Just some stability.

Just like a real pillow. I can't take these fucking hotel pillows anymore. Oh, dude, my bed setup is so bad that I... You love hotels. my bed setup is so bad that I... You love hotels. My home setup is a mess.

And I get jacked up to go to a hotel. Those pillows stink. This is how the MyPillow guy gets on your good side again. Yeah, I say the election was rigged, but I'm going to donate all my pillows to Marriott, Kempton's. You embrace him again. Yeah.

All right, man. Appreciate it, dude. Thanks for having me. Thank you very much, bro. One gulp. That was fun. That was fun, dude. Thursday Boots is back in the mix.

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Dude, you know who raids the hell out of our kitchen? The fucking USPS guys. Yeah, they come on. They love it. They come in with like, they got big jackets, particularly like on like raincoat days or rainy days. And I'll see them and they'll just be in there. They pack for like a week.

It's unbelievable. I mean, that's a good hustle. Yeah, I would do that too. Yeah, why not? We also, the girl who watches our front desk, I guess our security, she's also out here promoting her OnlyFans. Shout out to Ebony. Oh, Ebony.

Great ass. She just gets high and orders the food. So sometimes we'll get king-size, full-size candy bars. Usually it's supposed to be a granola bar or something. Yeah, yeah. And we'll be like, oh, Ebony was on when she ordered that one. A bunch of honey buns and cinnamon rolls. I mean, sometimes it's like a full-blown

mode. Yeah, it's not like an office at all. It's like, did you have the house that had good snacks and shit? No! We had powdered milk. We had granola. We had weird crab soups in a can. My mom was the... That was your trauma? That's why you're funny today? Yeah, exactly. We had no food in the in a can. My mom was the...

That was your trauma? That's why you're funny today? Yeah, exactly. We had no food in the house when I was growing up. That's why I steal food like a mongoose. Were you just poor or what? Nah, we weren't poor. They just worked all the time.

They never went to the grocery. It was pre-Grubhub and pre-all that eat fresh shit. Is that it, eat fresh? Or that's Subway. I'm thinking of child fucking. We didn't have anything. Every now and then my mom would cook. She was the queen of

when you're high and you're like, alright, I got a beach ball, an onion, and a radish, and a ham, and you make some kind of stew. She could do that with anything. That's what my mom said. She's a depression cook. That's what her mom was. I's a depression cook. That's what her mom was. I learned how to cook depression therapy. Exactly.

We had chicken bones and she would simmer them down and get the jizz out of it. We'd eat it. She'd spit on my face. It was a good time. No food in the house. I don't say it traumatized me, but it definitely shaped my personality. I saw the other day, I don't know if it's new or what,

but Kellogg's now has just add water. No. They have one of those pre-made bowls, and in it has the powdered milk, and I think you put, and it just, and that sounds fucking disgusting. I think you might have seen it from me, and it was just like a personal friend just quote tweeted and went, this is godless. Yeah. That was the best way I could see it.

That's great. Legit, I'll starve to death before I'm doing pre-made milk. Yeah. I actually never even investigated far enough to know. I was just like, hey, you eat this cereal with water. I've done that. But it does say, yeah, but that's poor too, but that's understandable, I guess. But it did say like on that powdered milk.

With the powdered milk. Yeah, but that's almost worse because you've got to work at it. I don't know how powdered milk. I imagine powdered milk is made exactly like cocaine, where it's like stepped on in the forest. Some X-Lax in there. Kind of like a fucking – I honestly don't even know how – shocking news, I don't know how cocaine is made.

Oh, I could send you some links. But yeah, that's child abuse. I've seen movies where they do stuff. Yeah, no, I mean, that's the kind of shit that's, you know, no. No, I'm just not eating that. And also, parents out there, get the brand name shit. Yeah, for real. We got soda, which we never did, but we got Czech.

You ever heard of Czech? No, I never. Yeah, it's like a knockoff shit. RC Cola was the knockoff. Oh, I would kill for RC. That's good for you. My house was cans of Coca-Cola Classic, full-size donuts, every kind of cookie. Turn me into the fucking lumpy piece of shit I am today.

I hated going to other friends' house because my mom would be like, do you want peanut butter and celery? And I'd be like, shut the fuck up, bitch. No, I don't. I want a fucking Reese's peanut butter cup. I don't want a fucking celery. Give me a Lunchable, whore. I love the Lunchable. I thought the peak of childhood

snacks for some reason when I was a kid was pecan spinwheels. Those are my... Those are good. I don't even know what that is. That sounds like a gay move. So I gave him the pecan spin wheels. Those are my... Those are good though. I don't even know what that is. You don't know what a pecan spin wheel is? That sounds like a gay move. So I gave him the pecan spin wheel in the back of the Chelsea parking lot. I think I got a pecan spin wheel from Seuss once. You just dipped it.

That was your belly button, right? He dips it in your belly button. Where do you fall on... Rub and tug? No, well, yes, but just in general. Massages. I can't go. I can't do it. It's a low self-esteem where I'm like, who am I, Mariah Carey? I can't go in there. Well, why do I deserve comfort? Yeah, exactly.

You don't think you're good enough to get massaged? No. I do not think. I don't like being touched either. It just doesn't feel good to me. It does like, I guess when I get up on the neck, it does a little bit. Yeah, hell yeah. These are the pecan wheels, by the way.

Oh, come on. These are the pecan wheels, by the way. Oh, come on. These are fucking delicious. News to me. But the, yeah, I had a guy. Spin wheels, that's what I remember. He would stick his finger, he stuck his. Yeah, wait, so I have a fucked up shoulder, neck, back, so I always get a ton of massages. And he was always like, you're weird, they're gross, I don't like them.

And then after like a few years of hearing this, I find out he had this massage where the guy just like finger blasted his belly button. I'm like, well, of course you don't like them And then after like A few years of hearing this I find out he had this massage Where the guy just like Finger blasted his belly button And I'm like Well of course You don't like the belly What? Who'd you have? Tom Cruise?

No John Travolta Ah shit I got the wrong guy I was in Portugal And I went to this fucking Really weird Masseuse thing With my whole family

Oh Like it was It was six of us. Like, not all in the same room or anything like that, but, like, it was actually, like, three of us were up at the bar, which was kind of dope, while three of us got massages in our own rooms and it kind of came down. But, like, this guy, he dipped his finger in oil.

He asked me something important. He was like, do you want the blank? And I was like, it was like my first massage ever. And I was like, fuck yeah, let's do it. And it's towards the end. I'm laying on my back. And I was like, it was like my first massage ever. And I was like, fuck yeah, let's do it. And it's towards the end, I'm laying on my back and I'm kind of like, you know when you're

laying on your back and you're kind of like twisting your head to try and see what's going on up there? Sure. And he's dipping his finger in oil.

What? And he just comes over and he just like twisted around my belly button and then gets in deep and like, I don't know if last time you fingered your belly button,

you kind of have to pee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, right. Tip of your dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, right. You feel the tip of your dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm pushing right now, I can feel the tip of my dick right now. And I was like, what is happening? It feels good.

I like it. Oh, wow. I bet you if you were coming and someone did that to you, I bet you it feels good. Yeah. Maybe you were supposed to be coming. Maybe. I remember in the car on the way home,

we had a van with a driver kind of deal, and I was just kind of silently sitting in the car on the way home, we had a van with a rented driver kind of deal. And I was just kind of silently sitting in the car. Just a thousand yard stare. I was like, because I knew I had crossed with my dad while he was leaving and I was going. And so I knew we were the ones who had shared the same masseuse. Right. And I was like, dad, the fingering part was weird, right? And he was like, what are you talking about?

You're like, yeah, you didn't get a pecan pinwheel? What the hell? Come on. Some people pay extra for that, son. Yeah, no, that guy sexually assaulted you. Yeah. Add it to the list. Or he just doesn't know what a pussy looks like.

Imagine that if your belly button looked so much like a pussy, some guy got confused And fingered it I was holding it Vertical the whole time And a happy trail Looks like a Landing strip Yeah

You ever gotten a rub and tug About a massage Yeah we had this debate Or I guess discussion Recently It was like We were going around the room About who has had them

And who hasn't Because some people Went when they were like 14 oh with all of their friends yeah yeah you snuffed that one out pretty fast he looks he looks sticky so they would go at like you know groups of like eight to you know some fucking whorehouse in long island probably yeah um and you have not i have not no yeah we got we got we got to remedy that i i i do it. I want massages. Well, you never got your dick jerked off in one.

You're gonna like that one. I have been to them while friends went. Were you just watching the corner? No, I wasn't in the room. Honestly, it was only one time. We were in Montreal for a bachelor party. And a buddy went in there

and we went at like 3am like 4am like we'd been up late I can't believe you can get a rub and tug at that hour well in Montreal you can't it's a new room massage but and we were in there for like 40 minutes while we were waiting for our buddy but he'd done a bunch of fucking coke so he couldn't get his hard dick

so he came out just naked into the lobby and he was like does anyone else have any cash on them I'm out of cash I just keep handing her money The hard dick. So he came out just naked into the lobby. Oh, wow. And I was like, does anyone else have any cash on them? I'm out of cash. I just keep handing her money. And I was like, I'm going home, guys. This is enough of this.

It's like gambling where you've got to keep putting money down and you want to keep playing. That sucks. It's not, by the way. Usually you just come and it's over. That's true. What was he doing? The belly button?

It's more like paying a whore to have sex. Except she just does it with her hands. That's true. What was he doing? The belly button? It's more like paying a whore to have sex. Except she just does it with her hands. Yeah, I'm not against it. I have a lot of friends who do it. But my friends have jobs. And at noon, they'll be like, I'm going to rub and tug. And then they'll go back to work.

That's a bit much. Yeah, yeah. The midday. Well, I guess, you know. I guess is it? I don't know. I mean, they have hard jobs, you know. Hard job, hard dick. Yeah jobs so I guess they need a relief maybe the world would be a better place

if men were jerked I think we'd all have a little less toxicity I'll tell you who'd like that would be the wives go get your jerk off also the difference between men and women how often are women like I gotta get my clit tweaked I don't think there actually is

there was two things. There was – I know there was a dude who sued. It was a gay spa. It was a gay spa. Okay. And he sued them I think because they like – it was like a rub and tug place. And he went and they started to like touch his dick and stuff. And he was like, how dare you?

Sure. And they were kind of like, what the fuck, man? Yeah. Like in the middle of Chelsea, everyone's naked, whatever. Yeah. He was doing that. And then there was a there's another story about a guy who does do happy endings for chicks, but it's much more.

It's like you're getting a gigolo. It's not like this is a massage. It's like I will like finger blast you till you come like you've never come before. Right. But I don't think many girls are signing up for that because it feels like you're going to get kidnapped and never let out. I guess that's what it is. If shit really goes down... Couldn't you call the Better Business Bureau?

It would be made like Uber. You had to put a card in, and then you could track what they were screwing over. Because if shit goes down at the rub and tug, I'm pretty confident that I could take that chick. You could take the Korean lady? The other way around, not so much. She might not get all the spots, but I think I could fight

an Asian dick masseuse and get out of the room. I don't think so. I think I'd be in the corner of the room with a shower hole like a cat. Get out of here! A chair like a fucking lion table. Scrams, get out!

Meanwhile, all the soothing music is playing. Yeah, yeah! Get going, get! You don't want to fuck with those immigrants. I mean, who knows what they had to do to get here, you know? They came here on a bus with DeSantis. That had to be the

wildest shit to just, I mean, what? He told them they were going to Boston, right? Said there would be jobs and houses and shit. And then you get out, and it's not, but it's also, you know, at least to some people. I know there's a big rivalry with Nantucket and shit, but to some people, like, the nicest fucking vacation place in the world, right? It's a very beautiful place. It's like some Wizard of Oz shit all of a sudden. You're talking about the vineyard?

Yeah. It's someplace I've spent a lot of time. And as someone who's spent a lot of time there, you missed us. We're back in the cities now. It's now like blue-collar workers who have opioid addictions. Yeah, there's a lot of that.

Right in. A lot of that there. It'll fit right in. The liberal leads I keep seeing mention, you just missed us. I'll tell you, you had a charmed life, man. You're getting massaged in Portugal. You're spending your summer in Martha's Vineyard. Who are you?

Your belly button fingers. Yeah. All the perks. You've lived. I just got to Martha's Vineyard like a year ago for the first time. That vineyard house was some of the fingering lawsuit. That's how you got your money, yeah. Yeah, it's crazy.

It is one of the, objectively speaking, it's a funny move. Yeah, sure, sure. Taking out the human rights violations. It's very funny to send a plane full of immigrants to Martha's Vineyard. That's fucking funny. It's funny. To just be like, okay, you guys Martin's Vineyard. That's fucking funny. It's funny. Okay, you guys want the open border? Here you fucking go. It also, you know,

it's not a cool move. Human trafficking to own the libs, not great. Not the best move. But it is like, boy, we're taking it up a notch. Holy shit. This is like a prank war that's gone awry. Well, you ever ridden a bus to another state?

It's hell. They went from Texas to the Vineyard. That's insane. Or to Boston. That's insane. But no, they did take a plane, right? I thought there were some buses involved. No, I think there's another.

I think they got flown. Oh, they got flown. Oh, my flights are fucking delayed. God, these guys are making it on time. What the fuck? God damn. Flights now are ruined. time. What the fuck? God damn. Flights now are ruined. It's a bad time to fly.

Well, it's because of the immigrants. Yeah, I guess so. But no, that is, I wonder, like, you got to fire back now. You know, like, what's the response? I don't know what it is. Send a bunch of, like, super trans people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're going to get to Texas and like, hey, how you doing? It's her, him. Like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're going to get to Texas and be like, hey, how you doing?

It's her, him. Like, oh, shit, sorry. Yes, you need some of that at the Texas border. Just have a fucking pronoun war down there. That would be hilarious. That would be great. Cowboy, it's cow them. Cow them.

That's coming Cow them I'm surprised it hasn't come yet Oh yeah Like John in the fucking In the belly button We'll get sued for this We just had Sam on

Oh yeah And I said congrats to him On a grand scale And I gotta say it to you too Like you did it. It worked out. What do you mean? You did the YouTube special.

You got a bajillion views. Thanks. You're selling the tickets. It was like there was a time where we all, I said the same exact thing, there was a group of guys we all knew were funnier than anybody, hadn't gotten the look yet, and you guys went out and did it on your own, and I'm sure that was probably like, is this going to work or not? I think it fucking worked. I appreciate

it. It took forever and there was a lot of bitter drinks spilled over this and a lot of bitching, but we pulled it off and he just got a full Netflix hour and it's killer. It's great. He looks amazing in it and... Oh, I forgot to say that to him. His jacket is so nice. He had a gay...

What's that guy's name? Tan France. He's one of the Queer eye guys He dressed him No way Yeah yeah I meant to bring it up To him too

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That's the Mark Norman brain at work right there. It's a problem. I feel like, yeah, you just see the Matrix like you're just always thinking of jokes? Always thinking of jokes. You want to just turn it off? That's where the bodega cat comes in. But, yeah, it didn't help me in school at all. Like anything silly or clever or cute, they were like, shut up, pipe down, do math.

I cannot add to save my life. I have a thing called dyscalculia. Oh, for real? This is one of those things where you're just dumb and they made up a fucking thing. Exactly. Oh, I don't do math good. Oh, who suffers from dyscalculia? That is a made up fucking thing. I'm 34 years old and just hearing about a syndrome I have.

Yeah, I was going to say, he's got dyscalculia too. So what, if I give you a couple numbers, you can't add them up? Can't do it. They all malfunction. My brain spazzes out. Really? Yeah. I also dated a black chick named Dyscalculia. No, no. If I put a gun to your head and I was like,

what's 8 plus 7 plus 3, you'd be like... It would take me a little while. I'd have to turn the lights down, think about it. What's 8 plus 7 plus 3? Hold on. 8 plus 7 plus 3. That's 18. That's not bad.

Well, I did the 7 plus 3 is 10. Yeah, you're just kind of dumb. All right. Well, however you want to do it. 8 plus 3 is 11 plus 7. That's fine. There's a couple ways to fuck a cat. You're fine.

You better watch out on the playground, buddy. You're going to be like, oh, how old are you? 8 plus 7 plus 3. All right. You're legal. But like, oh, how old are you? 8% was great. All right. You're legal. But yeah, it's a bad brain. Thank God for comedy. I don't know what I would do.

Really, what do you think you would be? If I didn't do comedy, the goal, the dream would be like a madman kind of thing. Smoking, drinking whiskey, wearing a suit, slapping a lady. But was there any chance of that? No. No, that's what I mean. So what was your legitimate, like, I need to make money, and comedy's not working, what were you going to go do?

I've always thought it was romantic, UPS guy. Well, let's break it down. You got the shorts on, no office, outdoors. I used to work as a janitor. And when they would go, can you run this to another building? That was the best one. You could get out. You were out of the building. And you could get a slice. You could have a beer. They weren't really watching

the clock. So UPS, the whole job is that. You're just out. And I'm sure you fuck a couple of divorcees out there. You got a package. Catch a porch pirate here and there. Yeah, you get to beat. Catch a porch pirate here and there. Yeah, you get to beat his ass and all that.

The truck has no door. That's kind of fun. You slide that open. I always thought that as a kid, like the mail truck and the UPS truck driving with the door open. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. And the worst slogan in history. What can Brown do for you?

But you know it. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. At the end of the day, it's like, yeah, this uniform looks like I'm a giant turd. A lot of people are associating us with poop, but hey, you remember our fucking name and our brand. I had a buddy who did that. UPS?

Yeah, this is when we were in college. Around Christmas time, they need tons of new drivers. So it was like to make some extra money around Christmas, he would sign up for it. And he's like, it's the worst fucking house in the world. He's just like, every house has a lot more stairs than you think. Where it's just like. I just did it to the porch. He was.

But I think he was like, you think that six stairs at a time aren't a lot until you're stopping at a couple hundred houses a day. And it's like, there's a lot more stairs here than I thought they were going to be. So I, and also I think they have like fucking, like now they have like chips in the car to like make sure

like you're making like, they like, that might be just Amazon who like really treats you like that. Right.

Really treats you like a human slave. Like I remember when Keith's girl who works with us, Kelly, she posted the video of like her sending

her mom. Oh, that was the best. It was her mom. Like she said, just fucking who works with Kelly, she posted the video of her sending her mom Oh, that was the best. It was her mom. This guy just fucking flipped him. Oh, really? And she put up

a post, and it's how the internet works. That guy probably got fired. She put up a very innocent post where it's just like, this happened, this is funny.

Yeah, it's hilarious watching the person treat the Fast and Furious like skid up, throw stuff out the window, and people were like, how dare you do this? Like, you're putting this person out of a job.

I didn't have to speak to the manager. I just said, this happened. This is a pretty ridiculous video. And he's a piece of shit for throwing the package around. It's like you can't complain even a little bit anymore. You're like, yeah, this was not what I paid for. It's like, who are you to think you deserve what you paid for? Right.

Oh, here we go. These ring doorbells are going to ruin society. The best thing is that it's the content you get. It's not that it saves burglaries. It's so true. All right, we got a van pulling up. Oh, wow. Literally just threw out the window.

It's actually not that. He doesn't airmail it. No. It's just so meh. I truly don't give a fuck about this. Somebody's grandmother's ashes in an urn in there. Just ruined. Real nice.

It's funny you say that. He does it part-time. That's the problem because you get your sea legs. I just moved, and I moved out of a walk-up and into a walk-up because I'm still poor. They're two guys, blue line moving, unbelievable company. They are fucking great. Two guys who do it all the time and they just scooped up a third guy who was like local. And it was – my stairs I guess were a very hard apartment to move in and out of.

And by the end of it, he was like, my legs are killing me. Oh, interesting. by the end of it he was like my legs are killing me I hate that I hate when you have a person cleaning your house or moving you or any sort of manual labor where you're paying for it and you just stand around not being a pussy and I was like you can stop if you want I used to move furniture

and there would always be a lady just watching making sure you didn't nick a dresser and I dresser Stop watching me You're making me nervous How long did you move shit for? I moved furniture for like three years Just because I didn't want an office job And the fucking brownstones with the stairs

And the couch You gotta jick it, juke it, twist it The fact that there are companies here That companies were invented To slice apart your couch And then put it back together. I've used that guy. It's the most unholy city in the world. It's just disgusting that that became a thing.

I know. We make the apartment so tiny and inaccessible, you'll have to mutilate your furniture and put it back together. The couch doctor. Yeah. And he ain't cheap either. He, like, costs more than the couch. Because that's the thing. It's like, you know.

He's got you by the balls. Right, right. He knows. Son of a bitch. Nothing worse to when you're moving furniture when you've got the couch going up and you're on the third floor, beads of sweat in your face, and the

goddamn bed pops out of it. Like a boxing glove. What do you call that? The pullout? The pullout! And it just flops over. You're like, ah! Nightmare. Dude, three years of that, it's a nightmare. Brutal. I would have, ah! Oh, nightmare. Dude, three years of that, it's a nightmare. Brutal. That's, you were hurt.

I would have just gotten a fucking office job. You know, at an office job, you could just sit at a desk. I did that eventually. But to me, that ate my soul away. At least I was with eight guys in a truck. Well, that's what it is. You either lose your soul or your physical body. Yes, yes.

I was fucking jacked for a while. Yeah, I bet, dude. I bet. But when you're hungover, pulling a mini fridge up some stairs, you want to kill yourself. That is no joke, yes. I was fucking jacked for a while. Yeah, I bet, dude. I bet. But when you're hungover pulling like a mini fridge up some stairs, you want to kill yourself. That is no joke, dude. I walked home the other day. I also live in a walk-up.

And I walked home, and the guy who lives above me is like, I don't know, 70-year-old Russian. Oh, boy. And he's an artist. And he sometimes gets these shipments of just tons of art product and shit like that like i mean he had i don't know what anything's called because i'm not a man uh but like you know like like slabs of thin wood oh yeah yeah that were like this wide and and he had i mean he had 50 of them and then he had a bunch of other like fucking barrels of paste and this yeah and i

walked in as he had the door propped open. And he's a very nice guy. We've never really like interacted that much. But like he's a quick pass in the hallway. What's up, Valdeer? And he's like, when you've gone from apartment? And I was like – I gave him like a real answer because I was like, next Thursday. I'm good.

He's like, no no i do sooner and then he we stood there and it was like almost almost like the fucking diddy meme was like we're staring at each other i mean he's he's old yeah skinny and kind of decrepit and wearing like a a waist belt oh yeah yeah it's like he's like are you gonna grab one of these things and i i like it was just we like it was probably 30 seconds. But it's nothing to do with yours, right? It has absolutely nothing to do with me. Bro, I am not helping you out, old man.

Peace. See you later. And then I just went to my apartment and just listened to this dying old man just drag pieces of wood down the hallway. Come on. And I was just sitting there being like, I mean, but he's not even on my floor. Yeah. So I have to take another floor.

Fuck that. And I was like, I could just hear like, it was a sad, it's like. Yeah. Like as he drags a piece of wood up his head. God damn. Bro, moving is a sacred thing that you only, family, bloodlines, help each other, and that's it. That's it. I had a friend early – when I first started Barstool, I was like 24, 25, and he started a Facebook group, invited all of us on Facebook.

And it was like we're leaving from Philly to go – you have to pack up my apartment in Philly, go to Brooklyn, pack up Chris's apartment in Brooklyn, and then drive to Jersey to unload us there. And he was like, I'll get you pizza and beer. That's what it always is. And I was like, how about you give me like $1,500. Yes, yes. And then maybe we'll talk about it, you fucking asshole. No, give me a belly button job or something.

Pizza and beer. Pizza and beer. I can get that on my own. Yeah, like I know things are not going well, but I can order a fucking pizza and beer i can get that on my own yeah like i know things are not going well but i can order fucking pizza and beer that's the thing moving is the second circle of hell and that was my job was to help you it was a nightmare and then people's apartments are so fucked up you go in these new york apartments you wouldn't believe what you see well so that's what i was i was kind of banking on i was like these guys have seen it all you know like they've gone through the worst of the worst yeah and at the end i was like thanks a lot man

like i know i know it wasn't an easy job and they were like yeah it wasn't yeah this was like the worst you've seen god damn it i'm yeah i'm a i think i'm a accidental hoarder are you well i didn't think i was but then it came time to move i've been in my apartment for five years the problem is that i get like we get a lot of shit sent from sponsors we we make clothes here so there's always like a sample sent, and then a second round, and then a final product, and then we got a advertiser, so they send it. So I just started accumulating, and all of a sudden

I look around, and I was like, oh my god, how am I going to get all this shit out? I ended up throwing out so fucking much. Oh, I would have taken half of that off your hands. T-shirts. Next time. Really? Would you take my second, like hand-me-down shirts? Sure, sure. I'll call you next time.

But it's funny. I've done this show, I don't know, six times. You're wearing this shirt four of them. That Viva shirt is every time. You're probably right. You're probably right. All right. So what do we got?

Oh, by the way, we just saw your Something's Burning came out. Oh, thanks. I think we were like right after you guys. Oh, you did it? Yeah. Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait. He did a KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken casserole.

So he made the chicken, but he got all the sides for the casserole from KFC. He made the gravy as well. Yeah. How is Bert still alive? The food and the booze and the weights and the alcohol. According to him, he says, I got back from the doctor and all my numbers are... He's the machine. God bless him.

He really is. That Mickey Mantle gene is no joke. Because it's like, you should be dead and you're thriving. I know. But that casserole was fucking delicious. It was really good. I should have had. Yeah, it was.

I got a miscarriage after that one. But yeah. It sounds amazing. You can't go wrong with a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yeah, that'll ruin you. I mean, it was. Oh my God. But that show is so good

because it's better than anything on TV. The internet is dominating. You know, like Gillis' sketch show is so good and something's burning. We hit a million views in like four days. That thing is a hit. It's dominating. I just saw like an early cut of

Gillian Keeves. The new one and there's a scene Don't give it away! But they've upped the production quite a bit. Francis showed it to me. We were both watching it together and I was like it's absolutely Chappelle show level fun skit. There's a new one

and it's more N-word. But yeah. They stepped that up. I mean, it's going to be a very good season. Yeah, comedy's great right now. Marijuana has basically taken over the world. It's already been

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Promo code STOOL5. It's definitely like a little golden age. Yeah. It's funny because you wouldn't think it because all you guys are just fuckingbabies about your fucking cancel culture but you're all millionaires now it's hard to be a comic you're all millionaires shut up yeah most of us is pull i've pulled back on the the whining yeah i mean i i understand where i came from but yeah now you guys have you're good yeah it's funny because like sam who's killing it will be like Can you believe this?

And then some open mic-er will walk by and he's like Fuck you But also I don't think that I think that no matter how well you're doing You should be able to complain I agree It's all relative I'm a

I think I'm a moderate complain think I'm a moderate complainer. Okay. I'm an elite complainer. But like, I don't like when, like we were just talking about with the stuff where it's like, who are you to think that like, you deserve,

like you're doing really great. Like why are you complaining about delivery food? Like, I don't know. That delivery food was a mildly inconvenience to me. Yeah. So sure.

Well, it started with me, like the old starving kids in Africa never registered with me. Those are just not connected. I don't know how. I don't want to eat that fucking vegetable. So I think you always get to complain about your life as long as you're not comparing the two. You know what I mean? I recognize that things could be worse, but it doesn't mean that everything is ultimately perfect.

Yeah, progress comes from complaining. This was solid, but it could have been better. I got better. Let's try to make it better. That's what Yelp is and all that. That's why Uber has ratings. This guy tried to molest me. One star.

So they get rid of him. They get a new guy. You need to complain. That's how capitalism works. You know? That's true. But I don't complain to people. I don't complain to companies

or anything. I don't either. I just complain to the ether. I'll just bitch to Twitter or Facebook. This fucking sucks. Every single day that I like do this job,

even when shit's not going right or whatever, I always keep in the back of my mind that like a soul crushing desk job was the alternative. And and the fact that i got out of that so like i complain but i also know how you can i think you can do both and be like grateful for what you got or what you're doing and also be like fuck this fuck that you know yeah because if every single you know you'll you'll yeah you'll never progress in anything you'll just be like well this is better than the last thing so i'm good. It kind of motivates you.

Like black people used to not be able to go to the same restroom, and now they can. So stop complaining. So stop complaining, but they still get shot. So, you know, there's always more room to grow. There you go. There you go. Do you think that you've just created like a...

Uh-oh. What's the word for it? I don't know. If you just yell comedy at the end, it's all... That's how that started, by the way. I was saying shitty, fucked-up jokes and people were like,

Jesus, comedy. Now you do it and it's like, Jesus, comedy. So now you do it and it's like a catch-all. I go to shows now and I've got a pretty good diverse audience because I talk about everything. Black, white, gay, men, women, Asian, trans, whatever.

It's a whole room of people that hate you. But the thing is, you get the hate, you get the hate, you're a racist, you're a bigot, you're a pedophile, you're whatever. And you're like, why'd that one sneak in? I'll throw anything at you that try to stick. But my thing is like I'm joking about everything because we're all equal. Isn't that the definition of equal?

Except for the Italians. Well, yeah, their knuckles hurt from hitting their women. But, you know, oh, my own. But I get all these groups coming out now and i had this asian guy this old asian guy in san diego he pulled me to the side i was selling merch like a fucking shill and he was like uh hey i just gotta i want to thank you because i did a bunch of asian jokes and he's like you're bringing so much levity to this shit we're all so tense and i know we need some levity and that's what your comedy did and it's beautiful. I got Indian

people going like, do Indians! So then I make fun of Indian people and we all have a good time and then you go read Twitter and you want to kill yourself. I can't imagine for you guys the difference in real life. Our whole existence is

99% internet and now we're just dabbling in live shows. I think you guys are kind of going the opposite way. So it's like you know that normal people who do social things and eat and drink and talk and go out are like, this is funny. And then you realize that it's just all the fucking absolute scum of the earth on the internet who are the problem with it, right? Yeah, yeah. That took a while to learn. Ryan Long saying like, people would be like, ooh, you're edgy.

You're like a dangerous comic. And he's like, no, I'm not because I know this makes people laugh in real life. So I know I can put it on the internet and regular people will receive it the right way. And that is just the weirdos who are going to have a problem with it. So I'm not edgy. I've just tested it out and I know what's what. So that makes sense. People change too. Like we all with it. So I'm not edgy. I've just tested it out, and I know what's what. So that makes sense. People change, too.

Like, we all talk about, like, these comics are so edgy. It's like, well, we used to not be, but everything keeps getting weirder and weirder, so now you're considered edgy. Like, Eddie Murphy wasn't really considered edgy. He was just a comedian. Yeah. And you said, you know, the F word 900 times. You all want to fuck my ass.

You're looking at my ass. F word, F word. You know? Yeah, people are just like, this is hilarious. Yeah. Like, this is the biggest ass. You're looking at my ass. F word, F word. You know? People were just like, this is hilarious! This is the biggest comedy icon. He's on SNL. He's cool. He's in every movie. And it was just like, that's what a comedian is. The joke was just like, gay people want to fuck me. Yeah, that was it.

And he's like, get the hell away from me. I'll kill you. He didn't hold back. I can't imagine what a gay... I would love to see... You know they have reaction videos of a black guy watching magic, and he's like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see a video of a gay guy in 1983 watching Delirious. Right.

And just be like, what the fuck? I can go outside. I'll get killed. The biggest star in the world is just trashing my whole sexual preference. Do you think that your comics... Is it almost like a sport where it's like, if you were to drop some modern-day NBA players into the 1950s NBA, it would be like a bloodbath.

Do you think that you're actually, while still being respectful of the legends, I think a lot of, sometimes when I see old comedy, I'm kind of like, wow, this wasn't that creative or that witty or whatever. It was basic. I think for lot of, sometimes when I see old comedy, I'm kind of like, wow, this wasn't that creative or that witty or whatever. It was basic. I think for sure, yeah. And like, look at, go back to Sam. The guys put out, I don't know, six, seven, five, six, seven hours. He had that rooftop thing, and then he had a YouTube, now he has a Netflix.

And it's like, this is a lot of comedy. And Richard Pryor has what, four? Like his whole career, right? Four specials, maybe five yeah so like and sam's 35 or 36 so he's got a whole life ahead of him and he's gonna put more out so i think just the volume is crazy right way more and we're tweeting and we're putting clips and we're promoting it's a nightmare podcasting you're probably able to just think of like a handful of jokes and live on that for a year yeah now it's like that gets me through a day on twitter exactly writing the other jokes over here and i'll tell you wake up

and you're like uh somebody decided it was like an iv drip you just got to keep that drip going or the thing dies yeah and it's terrifying you're like can i just that's a horrible horrible way to put it horrible very accurate but yeah i get it it's but it's quite descriptive and depressing but you gotta think about it you know what else you going to do? Are you going to just sit in Martha's Vineyard and talk to migrants? No, you've got to make it work. We have a job, and you want to sell tickets. But then there's guys like Mulaney and Bill Burr who are just so revered that I don't see Mulaney putting clips up with a funny caption.

I try to, yeah. But it's like... So maybe there's a level you can you know? I try to, yeah. But it's like. So maybe there's a level you can get to. Well, yes. Yeah, for sure. It's like I, it's like, you know, the best of the best don't ever respond to a single troll. Yeah.

They don't waste their time doing any of this shit. But also there are some times where I'm like, I don't fucking care. I want to do it. You know what I mean? Yeah. And a lot of us. Because I think that keeps a little bit of. I do think that.

Mystique. And also like, you know, if relatability is your thing at least yeah you're not going to be that relatable anymore if you're not doing any of the stuff that regular society does agree i'm a fucking arena theater type act it's like that's what your material is going to be yeah you're not on the internet you don't deal with any of the shit that the commenters are, but also fuck them. If I could be that, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but it is going to be your comedy has to change. Do you think you have

a comedy prime because of that? Yeah, I think you do. You can't possibly be your best work when you're rich and 55, right? Probably not. A little more when you're grinding. The hunger pulls something out of you that goes away

when you've got your feet up on a jet. Right, right. I think Chris Rock's talking about that where he's like, I don't have anything anymore because I fly private. Yeah. I don't see funny things happen in the airport. I don't have a bad Uber driver. I don't have a moving experience.

I always think about the joke on 30 Rock with Tracy Jordan where he's like, like Jack Donaghy's telling him, like, he's like, you know, you're kind of losing your comedy a little bit. And then it cuts to him at a club going like, you know how in St. Barth people eat lobster like this? It's like, yeah, all right. It's like, yeah, what can't you make fun of when that's what you do? You know, rappers go through that.

Like, you know, people talk about Jay-Z. Right. And fighters definitely go through it you know oh my gregor as soon as gregor was rich he you know lost it because you just can't replicate especially in fighting yeah like that guy is fighting for a paycheck you're fighting for what you know yeah because i think we all have something in us you guys have a talent i have a talent i mean this guy might be useless but i think you need to pull it out of you and it's hard to get it out of you. And I think you need to be poor or struggle or have some goal in mind. But when you already get to the goal, you get to that mountaintop,

it's hard to get to the next one. And then I think once you get to that goal, you feel so guilty about getting to the goal that you make the struggle sound a lot worse. Oh, yeah. People love being like, like oh it was fucking crazy back in the day I don't know it was mildly uncomfortable

it was it was like a little bit more time consuming than it is now that's about it but there are tortured people like a Dave Attell who's brilliant

and still just as funny as he ever was because he's so fucked up yeah I hope he never hears this but he's such a mental I can assure you

Dave Attell's not listening okay he's such like mental... I can assure you David Tell's not listening. He's such a low self-esteem kind of guy that he just can't ever get to the mountaintop. Everybody loves Tell. Comics, comics. He's the holy grail. He's the funniest. Why is that not... Is it that he doesn't

do the big figures? No, no. That's not it. He could do all that. He's just. That's what I mean, though. He could, but he just chooses not to? Yeah, but that's not what makes him great. What makes him great is the fact that he's just as sharp. You hang out with him, and he's funny.

You watch him on stage, and he's funny. You put him on a podcast, and he's funny. And he always has new shit. He's always writing, and everything he writes is better than everybody else's. And he's at the cellar. He'll be at the cellar in four hours. Why is that? Why is what? He's got to do it it's in him rather than like instead of doing the cellar

why don't i just do like this theater there or this arena because he's he's like it's a blue collar state of mind and he's stuck in this arrested development of like this is who i am this is the level i'm at and this is where i'll stay he's stuck there crazy it's like you can just do these same jokes for a lot more money. I know, I know. He could do special after special, but he's like, no, I suck. I'm a hack. Nobody wants to hear this.

We're like, we're dying to hear it. Come on, Dave. You're going to die one day. So he actually says that. He has that self-love. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Even with all you guys sucking his dick.

He hates the sucking dick. Yeah. And it's like a supermodel. You see this beautiful woman who's like 10 with a perfect body. She's like, I'm fat. I like my chin. And you're like, you're gorgeous. She just can't see it. He's the same way. Well, that's why I think everybody has their struggle and everybody

should get to complain. Kind of bring it full circle. Try and get by dysmorphia too. I'm complaining about people who have depression. How about me? I'm sick of hearing about it. When are you getting married? Oh, shit, it's today.

A couple hours? No. November 10th. Oh, yeah. How was that basketball? Because Burt planned the whole thing, right? Oh, man. Did he end up fucking dying?

One guy went to the hospital. It got pretty ugly. Someone was at the hospital? Yeah, we got some weird drugs. Really? Yeah. He's fun around. No, no, really.

But he's okay. But we did a couple shows, and the shows paid for the whole trip. Right, right. So that was pretty good. So we did the shows the first night. That's brilliant. Sold out everything. You know, Ari, King Ju.

That's a motivator, by the way. Yeah. As good as this show is going to be is how good your week will be. Exactly. It's a fun way to do it. And we got this sick house on the beach, and it was right on the ocean in Florida, and that's about all I'll say, but I think I took 10 years off my life. Yeah.

It's a good, like, I'm not doing this ever again. No, no, that donkey is buried. Dead and buried. But, yeah. PETA. Sorry, PETA. But, yeah. Peter sorry Peter I mean I can't think of if you like to put anything up like maybe Drake in Toronto but having

like Bert in Tampa that's what party is like as good as it gets and it's his hometown so he made a lot of connects and just a lot of cigars a lot of booze a lot of fun yeah Bert's a lot of cigars, a lot of booze, a lot of fun. Yeah, Bert's like, let's do it again next week. Yeah, yeah.

Like, no way, man. He's an animal. He went to Italy with his family, flew in on a jet, did the party. We did that for a week. He bought us all matching outfits. He bought us all cigars. He bought us all this extra shit. And then he flew out and went to Hawaii and did a gig.

He's an animal. He really is. We're supposed to go on like – I'm getting less and less confident that it's going to happen. We saw him in – Where was it? Nashville. We had him on our show in Nashville.

Oh, in Nashville, yes. And we were talking about how Dave Chappelle just disappeared that one time. Yeah. And we were like, wouldn't that be great to just pick up and go? And he was like, let's do it. And we were like, all right. And he was like, all right, you, you, you, and you, me, and my guys, we're going to go. The deal is you're going to get a text.

It's going to say a gate at an airport. You have to respond within 24 hours if you're in or not. You bring one change of clothing. You can't pack. We're just going to go for two nights. I don't even get that. He's picking the clothes. Right, right.

You're probably going to be matching outfits. And we're going to go for 48 hours or something like that, 36 hours. And it almost happened one time. But he won't tell us any more details about where we're going or anything like that. But he did start to say – When we did Something Burning, we were like, are we really still doing this? And he was like, yes. Something Burning drops tomorrow.

Oh, sorry. Ours. Oh, cool. He just teased it. Oh. Awesome. And he said that in there. All, cool. Awesome. Alright, alright. Oh, really?

So you think that's it? But also he scared me because in the beginning, when we were doing the show, we were like, let's go somewhere cool but a little bit different. Let's go to Portugal. We know it, right? But then when we were talking about it he was like i feel like he's gonna take us to like you know fucking afghanistan or something he was like i want to go somewhere like off the beaten path that's really different i'm like we're gonna end up in like goddamn antarctica

no just because bird wanted to like do something different like listen bro i understand you're coming from italy and jet setting to haw Hawaii. That's pretty good for us, so let's keep it fucking normal and poor. I can feel it. You're going to Wuhan. Yeah, that's what I mean. Feel it. That's what I mean.

We're going to end up in fucking China or some shit. No thank you, man. But do whatever he says. Just go with it. It'll be fun. I can't believe he knows his kids' names. Has he ever been home? Jesus Christ.

Oh, that's good. Go watch Something's Burning. Yeah yeah i know your guys episode crushed crushed and it's still moving the needle bobby lee is just comedy have you had him on here uh we did like a zoom oh okay pandemic but funny thing is when we do have it in person john no shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up snip his dick wait what yeah for some reason there was something about up shut up sniff his dick wait what yeah for some reason there was something about john has to sniff his dick it was like he's like he was like i have the worst smelling dick in the world smells bad and then kevin was like he'll make john puke and he's like john you have to smell it and i was like okay and now like she cut all this cut all this i don't want to smell bobby we are like We are like for sure about to cross paths with him.

Just let him fuck you. I think that we have a feeling it's a bridge too far. If I smell Bobby Lee's naked dick, I think I've gone a bridge too far. There's no coming back. Nobody will ever respect you again. You'll never really. If that was me, if I was you and someone was like, well, you have to do it. You said so on a podcast.

I'd be like, I don't fucking care. It wasn't even a bet. If we had a bet and I lost a bet, maybe I would. I was just like, yeah, sure, I'll smell your dick. I'm not smelling the dick. I'm not smelling the dick. Why not? You'll never be able to eat crab rangoon again. But it's tiny if that helps.

It's a tiny dick, so it's a tiny smell. Disgusting comparison and probably very accurate. Small egg roll. You're gross, man. All right, dude. Well, we appreciate it, as always. Hey, thank you. Next.

Next, I'm going right to that kitchen to get those kind bars. But no, next I'm in Brea. When does this come out? Tomorrow. When do you come out? Brea this weekend, then San Jose, then Boston, then Orlando, and New Orleans, and the whole MarkNormanComedy.com. We're doing the whole gamut.

Mark Norman Comedy, Mark Norman on social media, all that shit. Go watch the special. Comedy. Yeah, comedy indeed. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.