KFC Radio - Mark Normand Interview || Who's Got Smallest Dick in the Room?

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

(0:00) The KFCR team is in LA for the week (10:54) KFC is getting roasted online for his choice of wings (18:45) Feits and his uncle only communicate through monkey related tragedies (45:00) Feits saw the biggest bro locker room moment of all time (1:59:32) Interview with Mark Normand Betterhelp: Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC for 10% off your first month Cortina Health: Get your first month free with promo code KFC at https://barstool.link/CortinaKFC DAVE: Download the Dave app from the App store right now. eBay: EBay Sneakers – Authenticity Guaranteed Gametime: Download the Gametime app at https://barstool.link/GametimeApp and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). MVMT: Join the MVMT and get 15% off at https://barstool.link/MvmtKFCYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Nothing has made me miss the glory days, high school sports, the locker room, like that. I'm so sick. Are we good? It's another edition of KC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We are live from the City of Angels, the Angels of Los Angeles. Los Angeles is where we're at. We're at.

It's very pretty. Wait, hang on. We're looking out here right now. The Angels, then. The Los Angeles Angels are just the Angels Angels. Yes. The Angelus. Well, they're also from Anaheim, though.

The Anaheim Angels of Angels Whatever What did you say? I said it's very pretty out here It's nice I mean I mean we're looking at A crane and

I don't see the crane I see the mountains Oh I can see a crane I see the mountains I see some palm trees I see a black hotel That looks like a nice hotel It's just a black square, folks.

I'll tell you what I appreciate. Black building hotels are nicer hotels. That is true. That is just for sure. That is true, but it's like a 10-story black square. That's for sure an office building. I was going to say, it's definitely not a hotel. If there is someone counting on the seventh floor right now,

who's going to kill himself tonight? It's like one of those kind of office buildings. Everyone who works that office. is going to kill himself tonight. It's like one of those kind of office buildings. That has boiler room fucking floors and cold callers and suicidal losers. Everyone who works in that building will not survive the week. There is. That building will start the week next week down one. They will do that every week. Forever.

Forever. There is a chance everybody in that building right now eventually kills themselves. Let's say there's 700 people that work there. For the next, like, every day, for the next, like, 60 years, somebody might kill themselves. Great. Great stuff. Coming in hot. I'll tell you what.

I appreciate a good hotel robe. Yeah, you look sharp in it. Do I? Yeah. I got, well, feel it. It's different. Oh, wow. Yeah, you look sharp in it. Do I? Yeah. I got... Well, feel it. It's different. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I didn't expect that. Almost like a little chenille-ish. I thought... It's not like one of those Terry... Not Terry. They just do the waffle now, you know? Usually it's just a waffle. It's like a towel.

But I'll tell you what they usually do. I really don't know. I don't have the... Okay, well, let me tell you what they usually do. Nothing. They've just cut the robes. Probably because of COVID. Probably because of cheapness.

Probably the same reason we don't get any fucking napkins Or straws Or cutlery Same reason we just had A six hour flight And no one even considered Offering me food Food

No food on a six hour flight There are rules We are living in a society folks A cross country flight Equals food Bro they used to get Full on steak dinners I couldn't even get A second order of biscotti on this fucking thing.

They handed me the biscotti. They went like this. Do you want this? And I was like, well, I'll take anything at this point. Dude, they handed me the biscotti like those fucking shock girls do on Bourbon Street where they fucking rub my face in and smack me in the head. Enjoy your cooking, bitch. Eat this, you fucking whore.

Enjoy your fucking French cookie, you asshole. Dude, what major corporations do to the consumer is fucking, it's legitimately criminal. Because once they get us used to something, they're like, you're never getting it back. They fucked us on 9-11 9-11 became patriot act and you can't bring any bags you gotta take your shoes off and all that shit

all your baggage fees that's to be an American and help the airlines bounce back it's been 20 fucking years we've bounced back yet I'm still paying the goddamn baggage fees and then it was COVID they took away everything for COVID it's gone now. We're not getting anything back.

We're never going to get a napkin again. We're never going to get – I mean, this is the last fucking robe you'll ever have at a hotel. I order delivery, and I use the paper bag as a napkin, wipe my fucking face with it. Every time. Like a fucking animal. Like an absolute animal. And then when you do ask for napkins at these places, they're like – They're over there, I guess. We didn't realize a Rockefeller was dining with us tonight?

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't want to be covered in your food this evening. Can I maybe get a napkin? It is crazy. Yeah, no food. I did have two glasses of... two cups of tea, like a gentleman.

What? Yeah. I had two cups of tea. That's crazy. Also, though, no surprise. That's crazy. Well, here's the thing. I don't really do those drinks. So when I do it, I do a lot of sugar. Yeah.

So when they give me the tea, they give me one of those Pixie Stix of sugar. Uh-huh. Not like a packet, but like a Pixie Stix. And I'm like, I need some extra. And they give me another one. I'm like, I need some extra And they give me another one And I'm like Let's not make this embarrassing Just give me a handful and go

You're not making this tea for Earl Grey I'll tell you that, you're making it for his kid This is basically sugar water With some fucking dirt in it Speaking of that, Nick, do you have tea in here? Can I have a glass of tea? I have a really sore throat right now Are you really going to make him do you do you have tea in here can I have a glass of tea I have I have a really sore throat right now I either are you really gonna make him tea you have tea of course why is it crazy for why is it crazy for me to have tea on a on a plane but you asked for tea

in the hotel because I would have never in a million years thought of it but oh we'll do the We're not doing Earl Grey here I'll have an Earl Grey, please I have a really, really sore throat Nick, just shut the fuck up for a second Why? I'm explaining my tea consumption Yes, I know, that's why I told you to shut the fuck up Nick, full permission next time to say shut the fuck up Can you get me some tea, please?

You know what you should do? You know what I hope you do? I hope you superheat this water and then pour it on his face. Can I get some tea? I've gotten real bougie in this operation here. Well, I mean, it's because I think I have COVID. Before we started the show,

John opens up his black book to go through his topics, and as if one of his topics at the end, he just goes his black book to go through his topics. And as if one of his topics at the end, he just goes, and I think I have COVID. Like it's, bro, I mean, let's just say old Johnny's not feeling so hot. This is going to be such a good episode and potentially a great week. This is just going to be great. Here's the thing. The thing is I'm not boosted. I've read about the

pandemic of the unboosted now. It's not that I'm anti-vaxxers, it's just that I'm anti-fucking putting in effort. If someone wants to come to the office with just a bunch of needles, you can boost me with whatever the fuck you want, but I can't figure out how to get boosted, so I'm not

boosted. I know so many people now, two, who have gotten COVID. You're probably the third, who are like, you know, I just don't get it. It's not behaving like a normal virus. I don't know why I'm getting it all of a sudden, and everyone who's saying that is unboosted.

I couldn't figure out the website. I've sat down with Gabe Pat for 30 seconds. I'm out. Turns out, if I can't just walk into the Javits Center and they stab me or something, then I don't know. I'm. I sat down with Gabe Pat for 30 seconds. I was like, this, all right. I'm out. Turns out I'm not. If I can't just walk into the Javits Center and they stab you or something, then I don't know. I'm probably not going to get it. City MD, do it.

Let's fucking go. City MD does it? No, that's what I'm saying. If it's not that, I'm out. All right. Thank you. So we're in LA. You didn't, I don't know if you saw my tweets or just didn't care or doesn't register for you.

Thoughts on my 8 a.m., 7 a.m. Buffalo Wild Wings? I don't know if you saw my Instagram or didn't care, but thoughts on my Buffalo Wings yesterday at 9 a.m. I got to the Buffalo airport. I said, I'll do a Bloody Mary. Oh, I did see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We went in Rome. I said, I'll do a Bloody Mary. Oh, I did see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We went in Rome. They said, we don't serve alcohol.

I said, how about a dozen wings then? I'm stunned they didn't do alcohol. I guess it's a New York thing. Like 10 a.m. Because Buffalo's done some city. But yeah, 10 a.m. They couldn't serve it until 10 a.m. Oh, let me go with my other crippling vice.

Bro, by the way, no bullshit here. Probably the second best wings I've ever had in my life. Well, I mean, I guess you're surprised because they're at the airport. Yeah. They were crispy. They were fucking awesome. I will tolerate zero Buffalo Wild Wing slander on this program. A lot of people were chirping me.

These were fucking fantastic. I did the boneless. Let's talk about that for a second. Let's talk about that for a second. lander on this program uh a lot of people were chirping me these were fucking fantastic i did the boneless let's talk about that for a second let's talk about that for a second i gotta i gotta i gotta scream and yell about some fucking assholes in this world it's brought today's brought to you by uh game time uh we're probably gonna have to end up catching a game of some sort here because we came out to la to do all sorts of work and none of it's happening uh we tried we tried to come out here uh to do a bunch of podcasts well we came out here to do bert show of work and none of it's happening. We tried to come out here to do a bunch of podcasts. We came out here to do Bert's show, but then we were like,

let's do a bunch of podcasts while we're out here. Either everyone who we were going to go on in LA is in New York now or they're just not doing podcasts and whatnot. We're going to have all this free time to catch a game, but we're going to make sure we get our best prices possible by going to the Game Time app. What it is is up to the

minute, up to the GameTime app. What it is is up to the minute, up to the second pricing and availability. So you think about all those algorithms and all the AI and all the technology we have now. Well, we're putting them into the ticket game so that you can see, boop, 7-10 first pitch. It's 7-09. You can get first base side, front row for $2, whatever it may be. The cheapest tickets available every single time, courtesy of the GameTime app.

What you're going to do is download the app. Listen to Mr. Fancy Pants as the tea begins to crack. Mr. Earl Grey can knock it on the door. Pardon me, Mr. Earl Grey is available. Download the GameTime app. Go to the account tab. Create a login. Mine would be KFC Barstool.

Did you explain what logins are? Yeah, you know. Mr. KFC Barstool. You know how a login goes. A screen name people could use as well. Kdogs98, my first ever screen name. And use code KFC redeemed for $20 off your first ticket purchase. Oh, yeah.

I'll loosen it up, baby. We're on vacation, son. Thank you. Yeah, come on, brother. Oh, yeah, John's too fat for the robe. It's fine. We're on vacation here, apparently, because, like I said, we were going to do work, but now we're not. So let's fucking kick it.

But also, here's the deal. You just said that, and I was like, actually, you know what? I wouldn't hate catching a Dodgers game. We're only here for a night. I know. We don't have time. We have plans tomorrow night. Right.

And that's it. That's it. Then we're going home. Yeah. We're going home. But loosen up that belt and have yourself an Earl Grey. Let's have a day, folks. So download the Game Time app, promo code KFC.

Get $20 off your purchase. I'll tell you, I have to keep an update running in my life. As hater of the year from 2009 until forever, I have to keep evolving, John, or else they call you a bigot. Because if you go back in time – Yeah, let me explain. Yeah, sure, go ahead. Well, no, that sentence holds true, period.

If you don't evolve, you become a bigot. Yeah, it makes sense. Right? Yeah. So, you know. Well, I think it's you are a bigot, and then either you evolve or you don't. I don't think you become a bigot. It's you're a bigot, and then you hide it with your evolution.

Yes, yes, yes. And if you don't evolve and you just say, I don't care, then you are flaunting your bigotry. Sure. Right? Yeah. I'm a little lost, but I'm going to ride with you. Okay, here's the thing. Do you think you're born a bigot?

No. And you work your way out of it? No. I think you are not born a bigot. You were born good. You're born good, and then you start talking to your parents. You start overhearing your parents in the crib. Bigotry comes on pretty fast.

Right. And then you are just fighting your bigotry. No, no. Of course not. My parents. The royal you. The royal we. So, like, when we do ATI questions, one of them is, like, which group of people do you hate the most in this world?

Yes. And there are answers that I have given in the past before they became really super bigotty that I was like, now I can't say that anymore. Yeah. But I found one that I think we're good. Okay. I think this one will stand the test of time forever and I will be able to say I hate these people with a burning passion and I want the worst things in this world to happen to them and only them. The people who care if you get boneless wings instead of bone-in wings. The people who get offended. The people who tell me to eat like an adult.

Be a man. Eat food with bones in it. You're just eating chicken nuggets. Well, guess what? Chicken nuggets are fucking awesome too. The amount of responses I got today that said, you're not eating wings. You're eating chicken nuggets. Fucking okay dude. Whatever.

Chicken fingers, chicken wings, boneless wings, chicken nuggets, popcorn, chicken. I don't fucking care. It's all delicious. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I get very upset with the people because I'm what I am. I actually, I go back.

I think I'm probably pretty based with what I get, like pretty even, how often I get regular wings. Like 8 a. 8am in a fucking Airport I don't want to get all messy I'm going to get the boneless wings You know Yeah that makes sense

I get that Right I mean I got the boneless wings yesterday But That was in Buffalo You are a filthy animal But the The thing about it is that

Like I am When it comes to wings I am a A dainty eater So I'm one of those people who... You're like a number one on that scale. I leave a ton of meat on the bone because I'm not going to fucking bite grizzle or fucking tendons.

Me neither, man. Because I have a job. So if I want to get another 25 cent wing, I'll just fucking get another 25 cent wing. If I just want another bite of chicken instead of tumors and bone shards, I'll just buy another wing for less than a dollar. Thank you very much. That's how I'll just buy another wing for less than a dollar. Thank you very much. That's how I'll just get my meat that way. I'll order 30 wings and

eat total about 7 of them. But that's okay with me. There's the same kind of people who see that. They're like, that's not how you eat a chicken wing. You gotta clean a wing. Oh, I don't fucking care. What am I, a caveman? I'll just get a new one. But again, like you're monitoring the number of bites I take on my food?

What? It is. I hate that shit. It takes a certain breed of person. But here's the thing. It's still going on. I think the real problem. I think one of the guys you quote tweeted would be like,

wasn't he literally like, have bones in your food like a man or something like that? Yes, he was like, men should only eat food with bones in it. And I was like, I eat my chicken with unplugged feathers. But I think the real problem here is that we've been doing this. No one is meant – I'll tell you what the problem is. I'll tell you what the problem is. We're going to end up like those people in that building right there. No one is meant to do what we do for as long as we do it.

And I think that we're the guinea pigs. We're the canary in the mine, and we're going to end up killing ourselves. Because nobody is supposed to be on the internet as plugged in, as argumentative, as content-based as long as we are. Because it's all just a cycle like we've done all this before you know I'm watching Will Compton god bless him love him amazing content guy we're doing the in and out arguments

we're doing the one gotta go charts we're doing how much bones meat you leave on the bones we're doing stand up or sit down we always talk about that one how much you how do you wipe there's a finite amount of arguments in the world. We'll never have those arguments before because he was busy being a professional chicks and playing sports. Right.

Yeah. We were like we've been Internet nerds for two decades and you can't do three decades. John, I can't. I mean, I've very much noticed that with Dave. Dave doesn't really use social media anymore. No, he's not. Well, he stopped a long time ago. Dave doesn't really use social media anymore at all. He stopped a long time ago. Dave became

the content. Yes. People talk about Dave. Dave doesn't talk about people. You know what I mean? Correct. By the way, speaking of In-N-Out, sorry to interrupt real quick. We did have In-N-Out on the way here. I only had In-N-Out twice before. We're going to have the argument,

but I've only had it twice. Once before this, and then today. The time I had it, I don't even think I shared my opinion because I thought people were going to get so like, oh, you're being a contrarian, whatever. I genuinely did not like it. It was bad. I remember that. We came down here for something on KFC Radio, and I didn't like it either. I was like, this is

not even worth talking about. It was really not good. Had it again today. Today was delicious. That was good. Again, I mean, we pulled up and there was probably, what, 15 cars in the drive-thru? Well, I'm not going to do that. More than that. It was insane. Yeah, we walked in and just got it in like four seconds. The milkshake is underrated. Nobody talks

about the milkshake. But it promptly made me sick because I just, you know, got to kill myself soon. Could have been the 8 a.m. Well, that's the thing as I'm piling on today. It's not a great run. But it's just not natural

because here's the deal. There's a new wave. It's like we're on our fourth, fifth tour of duty and the people we're fighting are fresh. They've got gusto. They're still fighting for the flag.

And they believe in the ideals of the country. I'm fighting for a paycheck, brother. Yeah. I'm fighting because it's the only thing I know how to do. Yes. Yes. We cannot assimilate back to regular society. We are the veterans of war of the internet. We are. This is

real. We are veterans of war. You internet We are This is real We are veterans of war You're listening to troop radio right now Yeah Yeah We're supposed to just go For real We're supposed to just go back to regular society Where like you go to a fucking cocktail party

And someone says to you like Do you like boneless or bone in It's like shut the fuck up alright I've been doing this here for 15 fucking years I don't want to hear it out of your little soft bitch-ass mouth, okay? You know, these people, they think that they're doing something, and they're not. They think that they're bringing up videos. Have you ever seen this?

Yes! I've seen all of it. Did you read this? All of them. You've got to see this new... All of it! Seen all of it, done all of it, talked about all of it. Not all of it.

I was talking about it in the car today. I've been getting some new stuff, some new links. From what? What do you get? I got my uncle who's on the beat. I got my uncle who's on the monkeys killing kids beat. That's all I do. Yo, okay.

So, wait. Taxing my uncle. Listen, listen. Monkeys killing kids. We are anti-constitution. We are pro-feminism, pro-masculine, anti-constitution,

and anti-monkeys killing kids. I don't know if people know about this. Are we going to go as far as to say we're anti-monkey in general? I don't think we can start picking and choosing. This is like all cops are bad. This is like AMAB. All monkeys are bastards, okay?

If you're going to hate – It's not just a couple bad apples that ruin it for monkeys, okay? Monkeys are kidnapping kids and throwing them off of buildings, okay? I just got to read you these tags. So it started – John's uncle is obsessed with monkey murder stories. This is true crime, by the way. That's all this is.

He's just got a true crime obsession. It just happens to be monkey based. Dude, I was like, how do you respond to these kind of things, right? So I just get, monkeys are fucking bad news, dude. Great to see you last week. What? And then a link that says, troop of monkeys throw baby from roof after snatching him from his mother. Bro, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Can I tell you how funny it is? You can read them. You can scroll through. Let me tell you how funny it is that he led with the monkeys and not great to see you. Like, great to see you, man. And by the way, just a quick thing to let you know, monkeys are bad news. No, no, no. He said monkeys are bad fucking news, dude.

Good to see you last week. Troop of monkeys. So this was a lot of monkeys. Yeah, yeah. So John says, dude, I just saw this story. That's insane. He followed up with 10 minutes later, fucking monkeys, man. Be careful.

Be careful. So that was Monday, July 18th. The next day, 8 a.m. Now fucking bears, too? A camper scared off a bear. Then a grizzly came back and killed her. And then today, more monkey news, this time from Japan. Monkey attacks and injures 42 people in a Japanese city.

Yeah, monkeys are out of control, man. Monkeys are bad fucking news, man. They are bad fucking news. They are dangerous, dude. Authorities in Yamaguchi use tranquilizer guns after, how do you say that? Makikes or something like that? Makikes?

Makikes. You know what I'm talking about? M-A-C-A-Q-U-E-S. Makakis. Monkeys. I know. I would have said Macau. That might be it.

Local authorities in Japanese city are using a trench rifle as a gun. But a spate of monkey attacks in Yamaguchi. 42 people is a lot of fucking people. If you're the 42nd person that gets fucked up by a monkey, you kind of had it coming. Shame on you, bro. I just kind of like dropped your phone for a second and pulled up like that. What's that? Whatever the Pornhub is.

Cherry Kiss. I've been watching her. Cherry Kiss goes hard in the paint, bro. Why can't I go back? Oh, I'll go back to the text message. The 42 injuries were mild. The baby snatching Is the one We gotta dive into

Bro that's like the fucking The meme From the opening of Lion King How it gets altered To throwing Yeah Killer beasts

Says troop of killer monkeys Throw a I mean I don't even This is foreign right We can do this I mean Yeah yeah yeah Cause you know our rule

It's one of our internet rules that we live by in battle. This is one of those ones that I'm not sure holds up so well. If it happens to foreigners, it's okay. We used to have a rule from 2009 through... Well, I still say today,

but it probably ended around 2015. If there's death involved, it can't be America. That was the best. We'd scroll down, and it would be like, oh, it's okay. It's like a third world country. Sometimes we'd be like, well, it's Canada. You'd be reading with your fingers crossed like, come on. Come on.

Not America. Not America. Bang. Hell yeah. Budapest. Four-month-old baby got thrown off his three-story roof terrace when the monkeys took the fucking baby. A gang of monkeys snatched this baby. The animals surrounded the terrified trio, continued to taunt them.

The dad tried to scoop his newborn baby back to safety. Bro, this is fucked. I got to be honest. I got to be honest. I don't want to victim shame. You let your four-month-old get kidnapped by these little monkeys. You're a bad dad. Oh, yeah.

You watch your fucking baby get thrown off a terrace by monkeys. You're a bad dad Oh yeah No You watch your Fucking baby get thrown Off a terrace By monkeys You're a bad dad You're probably gonna have I don't even know Cause like

You know I think I'd be I would actually It would happen to me Cause The monkeys would be Surrounded by the baby

I'd be like Look I'm not gonna Upset the monkeys It's not like they're Gonna throw the fucking thing Just be nice They'll play with it They'll put it down And then's not like they're going to throw the fucking thing down. Just be nice. They'll play with it.

They'll put it down. What are you going to do? Throw it in the fucking room? Don't wait. It is funny that monkeys would know to do that. You know, like, they're really, like, that's like they've seen movies. Despite their best efforts to drive them away. That's my problem. Like, I, okay, I'm looking at these monkeys.

We'll put up a picture, Nick. I'm not by any means saying I'm a tough guy who could fight a troop of monkeys. I'm just saying you're not going to get my baby from me and throw it off a roof. Like, you might scratch our eyes out. You better fucking watch how loud you say that. These monkeys are going to come prove their shit. I'm just saying, like, I will hold my baby like a roof. Like, you might scratch our eyes out. You better fucking watch how loud you say that. These monkeys are going to come prove their shit.

I'm just saying, like, I will hold my baby like a football, and you might claw our eyes out and rip our larynx out, and we're dead that way. But you're not, I'm not fumbling my baby, and you're not going to then take it and scoot away up to the third-story terrace and then fucking throw it off without me. But the more concerning part, open that back up, scroll down to the bottom that's just that's that's the second baby that happened to yeah yeah no that's yeah that there was another one a mom was breastfeeding that baby

got this whole texting thing started right right so so two monkeys two babies stolen by monkeys and murdered uh so we are officially an anti-monkey podcast. But we do have to like, are we anti-Macau monkeys? Yeah, well, yeah, let's not put them all in a box. I'm going to throw chimpanzees in there because they regularly rip people's faces off. But that's only like their owners.

Agreed. They're anti-oppression. I agree. No, but the same thing with pit bulls.s Like I don't I don't really blame them But also like I'm not going near them Yeah yeah yeah So it's like

Chimpanzees should just Live in the wild And the people who try To make them as pets Eventually get their face Beaten in And ripped off And that's their fault

But also Once I know Those chimpanzees Have the capability To beat my face off I'm not I'm not fucking with them Pit bulls

Not fucking with them Can I make a confession real quick? Nick, on the video, maybe you could count how many times it's happened, but I have... I don't know how many sips of tea you think I've had so far. He's trying so hard to drink this tea. It's like 5,000 degrees.

It has not touched my lips. Yeah, you keep going... I keep turning around and seeing you shake. I just thought that was your normal shake. No, the shake was normal. That is a question I have too. And maybe there's some science to this because maybe it needs to be this hot to get the – I got some that time.

It's pretty hot. It's not that hot. I was a little more scared of it than I had to be. Is that because – like why – when you're getting coffee and and tea it needs to be that hot to like get the flavors and shit or like why is it you know 8 000 degrees i would be able to answer and like steeps it a little but like it just but even the coffee that's already brewed needs to be that fucking hot i mean this is like you know old shit mcdonald's the coffee's too hot i mean isn't it like almost great the greatest fucking anti-marketing of all time.

What? That was like the greatest PR campaign of all time. Yeah. No, for sure. This woman's suing because coffee's hot? Yeah. It served at like 80 degrees. It was 160, and it burned my fucking clit off.

True story. It fucking mangled her genitals. She was 80 spilled right she was 80 something so yeah it's over for her jackie almost did that on the train jackie spilled her coffee on on yeah what time did you guys have uh 10 a.m 10 40 got pushed back 10 40 i was playing hockey in buffalo by the time you guys just got on a train okay so we so we got so off track here with the murder monkeys. The reason you think you have COVID is A, because you probably have COVID.

I have COVID. B, we've just been doing so much stuff, and you even more than I, and I don't like it. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna throw you off the roof. I'm gonna kidnap you and throw you off. Because you effectively agreed to a podcast tonight at 10 p.m. our time.

That's patently ridiculous. That's my fault. I take that one. A 10 p.m. podcast after traveling is not cool, dude. We're just going to go, and I love him to death, and it's going to be fun. But we're just going to go hang with Josh Potter. We could absolutely do it at another time besides 10 p.m. our time. You're 100% right.

And I said it. I said this is a bad idea, and we're going to get there on travel day, and you're not going to want to do it. And you were like, but we've got to do it. I was like, fuck, fine. Yeah, you're absolutely right. I love Josh. I'm excited to do it.

I'd love to go to bed after this podcast. So much so. So much so, man. Yeah, so you... We did our show in Providence. Oh, we got to recap Providence. We got a lot to get into. But we'll vaguely just run through your schedule here

so that people know why you feel like you have COVID. We did our show in Providence. We started in Vermont. Yeah, we went to Vermont. When did we go? Like 10 days ago. That was 10 days ago? That was last week? Yeah. This time last week, we were in Vermont. Yeah. Yeah, we went to Vermont. When did we go? Like 10 days ago. That was 10 days ago? That was last week?

Yeah. This time last week we were in Vermont? No, Wednesday we went to Vermont. So, yeah, okay, okay. So we went to Vermont. Oh, you guys stayed. We got back from vacation 11 days ago, I think. I actually meant to ask you guys if we can go on vacation next week.

Like, we need to go on vacation soon. Done deal. Okay. We can go on vacation next week. Like, we need to go on vacation soon. Done deal. Okay. We're taking off again next week. We went to Vermont. We went up to Whistlepig. We are working on something that is going to be the biggest thing we've ever done in our podcasting careers. I like how we think we're being subtle about it.

I mean, what could it possibly be? There's really, like, one thing we could be doing at Whistlepig. Yeah, like, subtle about it. I mean, what could it possibly be? There's really, like, one thing we could be doing. Yeah, like, what could it be? Like, what could it be? What could all these, what could these whiskey-drinking podcasters be doing with this whiskey company? But we went up there. I bounced early to come back to do Keegan's birthday party, which is part of my, the cross that I bear you guys

stayed longer to get more hammered than you know maybe anybody has been on this planet earth the last 10 years um then we then then what what happened from there we then then we were home then we came back for a couple days then right to Providence for our live show. Then I end up – we could just go home. John hops like a 3 a.m. flight. Like something – We went out to dinner after our live show. It was 11 o'clock. And John was like, I got to go, man.

I got to be up in three hours – four hours. I was like, it's 11. That can't pop. Yeah, you got to be up at 3. Four hours. I was like, it's 11. That can't pop. Yeah, you gotta have a three. Four hours? So John gets up at three to get a 5 a.m. flight to go to Buffalo to play four... 5 a.m. flight to go to LaGuardia.

Yeah, fly from Providence to LaGuardia back home to then go to Buffalo to then play four full ice hockey games. Holy shit. And then, like, a day of rest, and then we're out here for this shit.

Crazy. Yeah. But here's how I know that, like, I mean. That's why we're a little run down. But that's what I mean. We're such fucking pussies. Like, I did, you know, we did a train to Providence, and then, like, I had to drive my car back, and then we did a plane here. We've done planes, trains, and automobiles twice, and I'm like, I can't handle this.

Imagine all of our fucking contemporaries who fly around the country nonstop every week, all week. I don't know how you fucking idiots do it. Just don't, by the way. Just stop doing that, guys. When the Uber picked me up in Providence at like 3.15 in the morning, probably, she goes, she was in her, like,

it was clear. So first of all, I actually almost ended up missing that flight. Despite waking up two hours early, plenty of time, I almost ended up missing the flight because I still have a New York brain where I think, like, there's always an Uber out. So it took 25 minutes for the Uber to get up. That happened to me in Philly when I had to get up at 3, and I thought I was going to miss my flight.

That is the shit when people talk shit about New York. I agree 90% of it, but the stuff that you take for granted where it's just like everything you need to get done gets done because it's just so – Whatever time, it can happen. Yeah. Because it's just so Whatever time It can happen Yeah This was I woke up And like Clearly Very clearly My request for an Uber Woke up this woman Yeah

She was in her pajamas She got out of bed She was like Alright I'll go get A couple bucks 40 bucks Whatever it is right now So she comes out

Imagine that I mean God bless you If you gotta do If you gotta get on that grind But like Not for $10,000 To get out of bed But the She I put my stuff In the back of the car She goes If you've got to get on that grind, but not for $10,000.

But I put my stuff in the back of the car. She goes, damn, are you a professional hockey player? I said, professional hockey players usually don't get picked up alone in Ubers at 3.15 in the morning. Like, what plan would I be in this year? This is the most scrub behavior of all time, lady. No, I actually have a roller hockey tournament in Buffalo I'm going to. Bro, good for you. I know you work out enough, so it probably wasn't.

I mean, it couldn't have been easy, but if you didn't work out, you would be puking on that ice, man. Yeah. Full ice is no joke. It was. How long were your shifts? Olympic size, too. Were you doing 15-second shifts?

No, we were doing pretty regular shifts. I mean, like, it was very tiring, but it wasn't that bad either. It was like – Were you defense or offense? Because there was a video of you – Oh, we don't have positions. I was going to say, is there offsides? Because there was – No, no.

In roller hockey, like, real roller hockey, not even just a tournament, like, real roller hockey does not have rules. You just go. That's funny because I just saw – Is it like offsides and shit or you just go? Yeah, I saw the video of you just like by yourself at one end and I couldn't tell if you just weren't getting back on D or were cherry picking.

Oh, or whatever. I did a little bit of that. Like by the end, so we didn't – I don't know if I want to spoil stuff or whatever, but we didn't do too hot. We moved up two divisions and we lost our three best players. So things didn't go great. But the best part is when he explains the three best players that he lost.

He was like, we lost Chief, Rudy. No, Riggs, Rudy. Riggs, Rudy, and Patrick Sharp. You guys might be in trouble. We lost two D1 players and a professional. And a guy who scored 300 career NHL goals. And a three-time Stanley Cup champion. We might be in trouble.

The dreamiest man alive. Oh, absolutely. Rock. My family became Stars fans because he went to the Stars for a bit. He's the type of guy you just follow. Every woman in my family is like, we like the Stars, too. I'm sure you do. But the, so yeah, it was like, but like game one, I'm playing hockey.

Game one, I play. And then like we lose game two. It's like, I'm going to save a little more energy here. By game three, we've lost the first two. I'm like, I'm just here for fun. Right. I'm just smoking cigs and skating. Because there are – yeah, usually by game one,

I'm usually wearing, like, equipment and ready to go. By game four, I'm probably not wearing a helmet. I'm smoking a cigarette on that. But the – Dude, let's talk about the cigarette. Because it was kind of like um it was kind of like and michael's magic secret stuff uh like it was like your your popeye spinach you said yeah yeah uh so john's ripping a heater and the whole time he's like oh this cigarette tastes a little different this this yep never

tasted anything like this before i don't know and i'm sitting here going this motherfucker is smoking angel dust this man is smoking a cigarette dipped in formaldehyde right now, and he doesn't even know it. Some fucking local yokel in Buffalo gave this man PCP, a PCP cigarette. And he's like, okay, let's go. That's true. I didn't even think about the fact that it was like a Lucy. Like, it was just like a cigarette. It's like, this guy is going to, he's smoking some sort of fucking, you know, like bootlegger prohibition cigarette.

But you did seem to perk up a little bit. Yeah, I got you going. You got Pink Whitney and some cigs. The next thing you know, the guy has white lightning on the ice. I went and bought up the next morning. So the reason, those are Seneca's. Someone replied to me that they keep Western New York afloat. Seneca.

And so the next morning I went to a gas station and I was like, can I get some Seneca? I'm 99% sure I said, can I get a pack of Seneca's? I don't know if I did. I don't know if I didn't. I think I said, can I get a pack of Seneca's? And the guy said, hundreds are kings. And I don't really know what a king is. I'm an amateur cigarette smoker.

Hundreds are like the skinny, long ones, right? The lady six, right? Yeah, and I was like, I was 200s. And he came over with a full carton and put that down. Yeah, because he looked at you and said, this guy's not a pussy. Yeah, but also I didn't correct him because I'm not the king of England. No. So you bought yourself a carton of 100 Seneca's.

But once he rang him up, what do you think it costs? See, so in New York, that would probably – what's in a carton? Like eight packs? I would say eight to ten. In New York City, that would run you $135. At least. Yeah. Right?

Isn't it like 14, 15 bucks a pack? Yeah. Yeah. That probably – you're in Buffalo, New York? Uh-huh. Probably like $63. $30. Right.

Well, then you got to get the carton. I got the carton. Let me tell you what we're doing. That's two packs of cigarettes. Let me tell you what we're doing then. We are buying a U-Haul truck, and we are going to bootleg cigarettes from Buffalo, New York to Manhattan. We are going to sell cigarettes out of the back of a truck, and we're going to make way more money than this podcast is. This is going to be like some Kramer shit.

Cigarettes are coming back, dude. I buy stock in cigarettes. Well, especially if they're going to try to fucking get rid of all the nicotine. You're going to literally need a black market for cigarettes. You're going to have drug dealers dealing nicotine the same way they're doing fucking H. Selling weed on street corners. Yeah, yeah.

You want some loosies? You want some loosies? You want some loosies? Dealing fucking jewels. I mean, you know, like, that shit's cigarettes. Cigarettes is, are the, you've just been digging in your nutsack. Bro, when it's nutsack this whole episode.

When it's fucking just available. What I've learned this episode is the only thing that keeps my hand off my dick is my belt. Your belt. Your belt is not to hold your pants up. It's to keep your hands out. That shit is a chastity belt. I also have a huge rip in it, so I kind of keep it playing with my balls a little bit. You know, it's so funny you

just you do your podcast in your studio and you just go through the motions and you just change the setting and it's just a fucking shit show man um i could figure my ass without without getting up right now i could i could put a figure in my ass right now dude i fucking dare you to do it i fucking dare you to in my ass right now, dude. I fucking dare you to do it. I fucking dare you to finger your ass right now, you sick fuck. Disgusting. Hey! I was going to say you. Earl Grey.

Earl Grey. Earl Grey's down. That's what you get. That's what you get. You have smelly fingers and a burnt leg. You got Earl Grey up your asshole now. We are off. We say this very often these days.

The industry has pretty much completely shifted, and you're late to the game if you don't know yet, but this is a must-watch on YouTube instead of a lesson. Wait, so without the... He's holding the cup like a lesson. He's holding the cup like a mic. We've all got COVID. Jesus Christ. God damn it, man.

Anyway. What I was going to say was that cigarettes are the most... When the world goes to rubble, cigarettes are currency. Yeah. And we are going to stack them. Yes. I mean – Real quick while you're drinking that, which finger was in your ass? Yeah.

I didn't put any fingers in my ass. I was just kidding. I'm serious. I didn't. I didn't put a finger in my ass. I thought when you dared me to, I thought about it. I was like, that's a little bit much. That's a little bit much.

Yeah. Yeah, man. But like if they take away cigarettes cigarettes are literal gold people talk about you know bitcoin and shit there's no inflation or whatever blah blah blah blah like fucking cigarettes tobacco we should start we should start growing tobacco the duke family yeah oh yeah sorry baby um the uh i feel like now's a good time to tell I'm done with that. Come on, it's the Duke family. Yeah. Yeah, it's ours, baby. I feel like now's a good time to tell the story. To tell the story. Okay, so this is all to set up.

We're talking Buffalo. This is all to set up one of, if not the. Nick, do you know the story? No. This is a story. I am worried. This is a story that is so funny. You can't call it, like, the funniest story of all time, because who knows?

Everyone's got amazing stories. What you can call it is in the history of guys being dudes, dudes being guys, bro-ing out, hanging with the fellas, it's the number one guy story. I think it has to be. It's the number one guy story. I think it has to be. It's unbelievable. Particularly at a Pink Whitney event. It's hockey, which is already –

It's all hockey dudes, right? It's probably the largest collection of hockey bros. Being a hockey bro is the definition of guys being dudes, and this is the most dude bro-ing out story of that. So this is it. This is the one. It's brought to you by BetterHelp. If you do what we're about to describe, you need to go to BetterHelp.com.

Get yourself some help. Actually, on a very real note, our boy Paddy the Batty won himself another UFC match. Did you see his post-match? I did see that, yes. Awesome, awesome message from Paddy. I didn't see it until later. I actually quote tweeted because I have an older tweet about fighters grabbing mics and how I think it's funny that they're the only athletes who grab mics.

And they take it from them. And I didn't see that. I saw it because we were at the Pink Whitney thing, so I didn't hear the speech. I just saw him grabbing the mic, and I thought it was funny, so I grabbed a picture. Great moment. But then I deleted that tweet because I later heard what he was talking about. Yeah, it looks like you were kind of missing the message there. But Patty with another tap, which I know to be the biggest superstar

in the UFC, you gotta have knockout power, but I don't know. If you become a tap artist and you get everybody to succumb, that's pretty fucking bad. Is he a tap guy? I mean, I think he's won the last two. I think two of his three have been through the tap.

And he says that. And he goes, I'm a weirdo. They can't fight me because I'm a weirdo. I could wrestle you on the match for three hours. I could wrestle you for three rounds, but nobody wants to see that. So he knows how to put on a show, but I think he is more of a wrestler grappler. I mean, even obviously two very different worlds. One's fake.

One's real. But from the crowd point of view, in the WWF world, when a guy has a submission move the crowd goes wild for it you know if you make it your thing and then especially if you promise to teabag a guy and you fucking teabag i said messier calling game six babe ruth calling his shot fucking joe namath guaranteeing super bowl three and patty the baddie promising a teabag and delivering and in the same night meatball molly strikes again with the spinning back elbow i mean they are down and then gets the quote tweet from the rock yeah i mean they're on top of the world and so right in that moment patty and all of liverpool have every right to just be like cocky and loving it and partying and talking

shit on top of the world and patty takes the time to tell a story about how a friend of his tragically killed himself last week and how he wishes he spoke up and he has a great line saying i'd rather me i'd rather my uh my my bro you know cry on my shoulder than me go to his funeral next week so um and and you know for as much as people say like the stigma is getting removed and all that like it's not you know what i mean people say that but then when they have when they have to face it they're like well i'm not going to say anything about it you know it's it's so much like practice what you preach you know because everyone says oh yeah tell somebody and then when you have to do it you don't so uh if you know the baddest

motherfuckers in the world like patty can do it then you can too and the easiest way to do it is to go to betterhelp.com where you don't really even have to make a big deal out of it. You don't have to go find a doctor and wait and make an appointment and go somewhere and sit and see people see you. The stigma isn't even there because you just go on the internet. You get matched with

a doctor, a professional who can help you in just 24 hours and you can get yourself some professional help right away. And right now when you go to betterhelp.com, it's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash KFC, you get your first month for free. That's betterhelp.com slash KFC and get your first month for free.

Do it just like Patty the Batty says. John, the floor is yours okay so again where is it it's at the chicklets cup which again i i don't know how many thousands of how many hundreds maybe thousands of people were there but when you really think about it like a hockey game doesn't have as many hockey bros it's got regular people in the crowd. This is probably the largest collection of pure hockey bro that there really is. There are some other tournaments. You did it in Canada last time, right? No, that was –

Upstate or something was in Canada, right? We did a pond hockey one in Canada a few years ago. Pond hockey, right, right, right. But we're talking Canada. We're doing Buffalo, New York. Exactly. This is hockey country, and it's – like you Buffalo, New York. Yeah, exactly. This is hockey country. And it's, like you said, it's not just a game.

It's like it is a celebration of hockey is what those guys do. And everyone there is a hockey player. There are very few spectators. Very few passengers. Right. Everyone there who played hockey has that mentality to them. Right. Varying levels from pro all the way down to whatever. But they all love the game.

And this year was the first year with – this tournament was the first one with a girls division, but usually it's almost all men. Right. And so it's like the bathroom – this is the Pig Whitney party Saturday night, Friday night. Okay. Okay.

The bathroom is like – it's as jammed as like in between periods of the Bruins game. Right. It's a huge long line. Is that a bar, restaurant, or just like it's like an outdoor? This is like an outdoor venue. It's really – it's called Riverworks Buffalo. It's fucking sick.

If I – it's only like five years old, but if I grew up in a town that had a Riverworks in it where it's like two rinks, an arcade, a bar, a concert venue, I'd have never left it. I'd have been a pro hockey player. I'd have lost my virginity at seven. It would have been fucking sick. But I'm in the bathroom. To a dude. In the bathroom of this place. Long lines. Everyone's kind of

waiting in the urinal. While we're all waiting there. You think you know what's about to come. You have no idea. Now I'm currently at a urinal When this all starts I'm currently at a urinal And some dude jumps in the middle of the room

And he just goes FELLAS I got the smallest dick in the room And he pulls his pants down And and he fucking shows his little dick, and he starts flicking it around. And someone goes, who's got smaller? And then we all start pounding the wall going, who's got smaller? Who's got smaller?

Who's got smaller? And another dude jumps in the middle and goes, fellas, I got the smallest dick in the room. And then he pulls his pants down. He starts flicking his dick back and forth. Two dudes, two little things go like this. The rest of the boys go, who's got smaller? Who's got smaller?

I was, like I said, I was at the end when this started. So I'm walking out at this point. I do not know if a third jumped in. Jordy said when he got to the bathroom, it was still going on. I would have just stood in that room. I would have just been like, this is where the party's at. How many more guys would step up and go, fellas! Fellas!

Ah! Got the smallest dick in the room. Now, do you think that the fact that there was this kind of cadence and this chant from the crowd is this something that happens immediately afterwards I walked out I was talking to anyone who would listen to me

anyone who was from Buffalo everyone was like I have no idea what they were talking about it was just pure I have no idea what that is. It was just pure. I want to Google. I want to put everything in quotes and see if the internet's ever talked about this. Is there a fellow? It's, oh, I've got the smallest dick in the room.

Locker room thing that we don't know about. Literally, I told this story. It was just beautiful. At this point, I've told this story 20 times, 30 times. Nobody's ever heard of it. No one's ever heard of it at all. It is literally, the word for it is beautiful. It was like, just like, it's not like being like, I got a big dick, I'm tough.

It's just like, it's being the fuck. I got my little dick, let's have a good time. And they did have it. And they were true to their word. They had little, little. Like, just like a tip. Tiny little dicks. Yeah.

It would be very annoying if the guy was like I've got the smallest dick in the room And then he just was like hanging No you don't It was pure uncut guys being dudes Was it uncut? I don't think the first guy was I think when I turned around I was like what the fuck I don't really

I didn't get that great a look at him You know what that is right there? That's taking back the power, man. That's turning the game on its head. We've been – we've had big dicks jammed into our brains our whole lives. And now, no. I've got the smallest dick. Like everyone jumping.

I was the URL. I was pissing, jumping, slamming the wall. Who's got smaller? Who's got small? Who's got small? That – like if you have a small dick and that's going on and they're cheering you, that's arguably the best moment of your life. Because like up until that point, depending on how old you are and where you're at with your tiny dick. Like, you have, that is the, your biggest insecurity. Girls have laughed at you, guys have made fun of you,

you have, you know, whatever. And all of a sudden, in the land of the tiny dicks, you know, you're king. You are, you're the star of the show! Fellas! I've got smaller! The events, it's not the goal of the event,

but events like this tend to make you miss the glory days and make you want to get back on the ice and shit like that. I've played, and this is my fifth one, I think, fifth Chiclets event. This is only the third roller hockey. I did two of the pond hockeys. I might have done a couple others. Nothing has made me miss the glory days,

high school sports, the locker room, like that. That was like, I was like, fuck me, man. How old were you when you were talking? How old were the kids?

They were kids. I mean, like, I don't know. It was, they were nondescript. Let's call them mid-20s. Let's take out that part

where we said they were kids. No, it was the kids in the bathroom showing me their dicks. You gotta be 21 to play in the where we said they were kids. No. It was the kids in the bathroom showing me the dicks. You got to be 21 to play in the event. But they were kids. They were just regular dudes. It wasn't like they were old guys or something like that. I'll be honest, Kev.

I don't know what I say. I look at their faces. What were their balls like? It's all kind of a blur. If you have a really tiny dick, does your balls change size? Yes. I would say yes. It would be crazy to have regular ass balls.

Yeah. It was a small little coin purse. If you have a huge dick, you don't have huge balls. You get longer balls, don't you? I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, look. If I remember correctly, maybe I'm just painting the picture in my head.

But, like, it was, like, a little coin purse. That's crazy. And then a little thing. Like, you know, we joke all the time about having a small dick. And I do think my soft penis is rather small. But it's probably completely normal. And if I were to jump in there and be like, I got the smallest, they'd be like, boo. That's a normal two and a half inches soft.

Boo. That's actually regulation for America. I've Googled it before. 5.14 inches is the average. Boo. I mean. Maybe in Brazil you'd get away with that shit being small, but not here in the States. You're right.

That is just like I've heard stories. Nikki Glaser told it on her stand-up once, and I've heard girls that I know tell the story of where they all show each other their pussies. Yeah, yeah. To be like, yeah, mine's a little lippy, and mine's a little dark, and I've got roast beef. Oh, yeah. Nikki's story is very much like that, where strangers were showing each other their pussies in the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like... But normally that's girlfriends and they go to a stall and it's like, let's just do this to empower ourselves and not like a chanting in public. But as always,

guys take it one step further and they're just like, yeah, man, it's cool to have small dicks. It's a small dick party and it's like to have small dicks it's a small dick party and it's like it's like being a short king you know it's a small dick party and if you're hanging if you're hanging dick you're a fucking loser i'm actually fucking mad i walked out i would have i was sat down on the fucking floor you were lingering i was no i was becoming like i was

starting to hear a couple of john john oh okay John. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't fly too close to the sun on that one. Oh, man. Chef Donnie was in the bathroom with me, too. We walked out and we were like, that was the fucking coolest thing I've ever been a part of. That was fucking beautiful. It was hilarious. It was like a celebration of manhood, but not in a creepy, not in a creepy, but not in a dangerous way. No, because you know what?

Celebrating men, it's bad. It's things are going to go. Everyone's incredibly misogynistic and horrible. Right. But this is just like the fucking. Celebration of manhood. This is a celebration of dudehood. That's usually like clan meetings.

Yeah, right, right. And like gang warfare and shit. It's manhood, but not, but it is because it's like true manhood. You know what the gayest shit in the world is? The fucking lamest, softest shit in the world? Having a big dick. You're blessed. Life's easy.

Girls want to fuck you. You have confidence. You walk around and you can show it off. You're a fucking – it's like you're like a cake eater of dick. You know what I mean? You know what a real man is? Having a little pecker. I still get up and go to fucking work in the factory.

I play in my men's league afterwards. I'll hit the ice and I'll fucking throw you over, throw you over the fucking, uh, over the, the, the fucking, you know, what's it called? It's fucking boards. And I do it all with my little fucking mushroom tip dick. That's like one of my, the fate, my favorite, like quote unquote pickup line I've ever seen delivered. It's my buddy. Who's probably about five, seven.

Uh huh. This girl is talking and he's one of those guys who like he like talks to every like one of those like I'll just shoot a million shots one will land and it lands basically every night

but my one buddy is about 6'5 and he's talking to this chick and my buddy steps in the middle of him and he says

look up at him look at that guy he's been handed everything his whole life he doesn't have to work for anything I'll take you home I'll fucking pin your legs on the headboard and I'll fuck you until your eyes roll to the back of your head.

I'll work for it. And guess who guessed it? Yes! Yes! The lines! Yes! Yes! I got two friends.

Look at me. I'll fucking work for it. I got one friend who's 6'5", chiseled. Girls say that his face looks like John Mayer and works in finance. I got another friend. Actually, they both work in finance, so that's a wash. I got another friend, 5'7", balding, you know, admittedly says not the best looking guy in the world.

He goes, if I look like him, I'd be the fucking president. He's like, I would run the fucking world. He goes, forget about getting laid. I would run the fucking world if I looked like him. Are you kidding me? And then it's funny because we all laugh, but the tall guy was just doing what we're all doing. He's kind of like, shit, fuck. Maybe I haven't done enough of this.

You started on third. You're getting picked off. Yeah, yeah. It's the same thing when you say, you know, like fat girl head. It's like fat girls are going to suck your dick because they need to. They fucking need. Unless you're just watching 30 Rock in bed and Liz Lemon says, I'm not one of those girls who do weird things in bed because I think I have to.

Yo, speaking of, did you see Rosebud's latest Instagram clip? She said she retired from sucking dick because I don't do it anymore. She said, I'm done doing it and the crowd is like,

boo. And some people are cheering. Some people are groaning. I swear, if they had heads of lettuce, I think they would have been throwing them. And she's like,

nope, don't care. Don't care. Not going to do it. You know why? She's basically saying because she throwing them. And she's like, nope, don't care. Don't care. Not going to do it. You know why? She's basically saying because she sucks at it. It's like, trust me,

it's a good thing that I'm not even going to try anymore. But yeah, I mean, those are the people that try hard in life. Those guys,

that little dick guy will probably eat your box until you fucking... That dude was in the fucking corners all tournament. He doesn't care about scoring up on the stat sheet. He's just trying to help the squad, dude.

Oh, man, that's great shit. What else do we got? Well, I had one other story from Buffalo, and then I have one from last night, too, if you want to hear that. Yeah, keep it rolling here. We are off the rails. This is off the rails LA week here. So we're Sunday morning, Saturday morning.

We have the kind of like shuttles going to and fro from the hotel, which actually is such a funny thing from the hotel to the Riverworks. Such a funny thing that like it was a half mile away. If it was in New York, there would be no shuttles running back and forth. Right. You just walked a half mile. Right. So like, after like four times of waiting 15 minutes for the shuttle to come.

I could have been there. I was like, I could have just walked. You know, like it's so weird when you're not in the city. You like, walking is a thing. I don't know if it's because it's like a grid and you can just go like one, two, three, Because it does feel a lot longer. Yeah. Like that half mile.

When you're walking through like tree- two, three, four Because it does feel a lot longer. Like that half mile. When you're walking through like tree-lined streets or whatever you feel ridiculous. It's an eternity. I did it once. I took a train out

to the Hamptons and we were walking through just like a neighborhood. You're like, this is absurd. This is the longest walk of my life.

There's no sidewalks. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Because this, I think in the city of distractions people are walking. There's people watching and checking out storefronts people are walking. I'm doing some people watching.

I'm checking out storefronts. I'm doing this. There's none of that here. Right. But so I'm getting in the shuttle Saturday morning, and we're driving over to Riverworks. Dante had done Friday night. Dante had performed. He'd done the Pink Whitney event.

Right. He'd DJ. Boston Levi had played as well. And it was an awesome party. But I just see Dante halfway from the Riverworks, between the Riverworks and the hotel. I just see him facing the other way on a street corner, his backpack by his side.

He's got the same gray T-shirt on he was wearing the night before. He's got a barstool hat on, and he's just texting, wearing a red light. And I'm sitting next to Avery in the backseat, and I'm like, yo, roll the window down, roll the window down. And he's like, Dante looks like a fucking idiot out here. And he's like, what? And I'm like, roll the window down. He's like, I don't think that's Dante. I'm like, roll the fucking window down, that's Dante.

He rolls the window down, I go, get a job, you fucking loser. As the car pulls away. And I look back, and I just go, not Dante. Not Dante. It's not Dante. It's not Dante. Drive. It's not Dante.

Some kid on the street corner. And he just looks up and gets the most like, what the fuck, man? Like, it's 9 AM on a Saturday. Someone's just screaming at me to get a job, you fucking loser. Like, what kind of asshole does that? And then it turns out to be – I felt really awful right away. You know who it was, Nick? I was like – I told them.

I was like, Kyle. I don't know if he does sales or what he does. I don't know. Kyle. We're still Kyle. He was the one driving the van. I was like, dude, make sure you tell that guy. We thought it was someone different. Let's get to a rock to the van. I was like, dude, make sure you tell that guy. We thought it was someone different.

Oh, let's get to a rock to the window. It was Corey from the Kevin Clancy show, Corey, to end the show every week. Oh, Corey Bruce? Yep, Corey Bruce. Oh, yeah. Dude, he took a bunch of photos of you, right? Yeah. Great photographer.

Chugging Pink Whitney. Yeah, so he was literally on his way to his job which is but but he was he was coming to the event to shoot that's what i mean yeah he was on his way to take pictures i don't want to say it's like that far-fetched because he's obviously so uh for the kevin clancy show radio show every every episode we finish it off because he called in once and he was like dude i think you're a genius and you're underappreciated. I was like, this is the best call ever. So we finish every episode. I'm like, tell the people.

Tell them what you think. And he says, you're the most underappreciated genius besides me. So me and him end the episode every week like that. So he's obviously a diehard stoolie, listens to my show every week, would go to an event like this. So it's not like what are the chances, but it's still like what are the fucking chances you know it that that's that's the uh i've been saying i feel like i'm back on the truman show again because um just everything keeps going wrong like i like like my my air conditioner broke in the kid's house for the heat wave it's like it's just like what like yeah i mean i guess i'm complaining to the wrong guy because you've been going through it too.

But yours is more just like it's been that way forever and you're not fixing it. Like for the heat wave, like the unstoppable, oppressive, check on your kids and your Nana heat wave because they might be dead. The air conditioner stops working. Like, God fucking damn it. And that's where I'm just convinced I'm still on the Truman Show. And I think you guys are just all fucking crisis actors. I heard someone else said that recently to you. And you're like, yes, I always think that, too.

Yeah. And I didn't realize that that's, like, an actual, like, psychological condition. Yeah, the main character syndrome. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, most of the time. Jackie is the one that said it. Well, but so Jackie's the type because she's like, am I famous?

You know what I mean? It's more like you're a narcissistic asshole. Right, for sure. This is like so many bad things keep happening and I'm just like – but then I'm coming to realize like shut the fuck up. That's just called life. Yeah, yeah. Like I keep doing – I've been doing it with money forever where I keep being like oh

Like like alright If I just like I got to pay their kids tuition and then I'll be able to like save some money and stack it away And then another unexpected thing pops up and I'm like, oh another one another one It's just like they're not unexpected things just pencil in expense Like they're changing they're different but it's just going to keep happening dude it's just called life so i think that's part of part of oh you know what i got we got an email uh from my old house situation the people i sold out of them when the

floods yes exactly uh the people who bought it from them the people bought it from us sold it and bounced and they didn't disclose anything and we got an email being like you know i i my heart started fucking pounding i was like i'm getting sued i can't believe this like like truman show kicked in big time i was like i was i was on the plane and i was like i i'm gonna go i'm gonna take over the cockpit and crash this whole plane and take you all with me uh but it's it's the new people being like fuck fuck those guys and like did you know about this or whatever but i don't want to get involved at all probably shouldn't even be talking about this on the podcast part of me wants

to go like hard and be like because those people we had to sell it at such a loss because we were honest about it and they didn't so i'm like fuck you yeah that's fucked up it is fucked up and i think it's like fraud and probably illegal uh but i'm also like you know what i don't eat on my plate right now like me being involved in some house that like i don't even fucking own anymore but fuck that noise i but that was that was a moment i was like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god like i haven't seen it came from the lawyer from that house i was like i haven't heard from this guy since the house no no something is going wrong thank god it wasn't well you owe us all the money back yeah like I was waiting for some shit like that, man. But like that's, you know. That house.

Oh, I got another story for you. I went to Hot As Fuck the other day. I went on a quest to find a slushie. And so I went to a 7-Eleven in. I'm going to solve that one for you pretty quick. What do you mean? 7-Eleven will do it. Yeah, but the 7-Eleven do it yeah but but uh uh the 7-eleven i went to

is on mclean avenue in yonkers not the best area i go in and there's this homeless guy shirt off cleaning though clearly trying to be one of those bums that's like i'll do work for money but also absolutely off his rocker and the people who work there uh clearly must see him all the time and they were like get the fuck out of here and he's like fuck you i'm gonna fucking kill you and your whole fucking family and they're like yeah yeah yeah and they're fine with it but i'm sitting there trying to he's like right next to me cleaning up like the counter and i'm kind of like uh can we not like poke the bear here they're like fuck you and then he goes crazy and he's like i know triads i know fucking latin kings okay i'm talking mk ultra shit i know guys that'll fucking wipe you and your family off the face of the fucking earth okay and then as i'm

i'm so i'm just like this is wild right i'm filling up my slushy and we kind of bump into each other we like bump hips by accident i was backing up and he was you know whatever the fuck he's doing and i was like here we go i'm about till i have to fight a bomb in 7-eleven because i went to get a slushy and uh and he ends up kind of like we bounce back and he ends up yelling at me. I'm going to go get some TNT and blow this fucking place up with you in it. I'm talking TNT dynamite. It's almost like go do it. Like I want you to come back with some sticks of dynamite and one of those things where you go kaboom.

I want you to fucking blow this thing up like it's Looney Tunes, you fucking bum. Yeah, so things like that where I was just like, I swear to God, I think you guys are watching me on reality TV. That one right there. Someone says TNT. Yeah, I'm talking TNT dynamite, man. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Let's run through a couple topics in the news. This is our one-minute man KFC radio edition brought to you by Cortina Health,

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was accused so sick of this guy well this is not his fault though no I'm just so sick of him this is what sucks now I have to No, no, I'm just so sick of him. This is what sucks. Now I have to see his cute little tweet back. What sucks is when you want to do anything,

whether it's Dave Portnoy taking over the gambling world with Penn or Elon Musk trying to buy Twitter and get involved, or you run for president, whatever, and this has been going on forever, but now it happens on a global everyday level where everyone reaches – like sees it. The motherfuckers just dig up like every single thing on you.

I mean it's kind of crazy at this point. If you run for president, someone will say 45 years ago you groped them. And that's almost white noise now. Like we know that's offsetting because both candidates are going to have that. that you know what i mean so it's getting to the point where it's like why are we even digging up all this shit let's just talk about like the here and the now but like elon we knew about him but now we know that his fucking uh dad fucks his daughters or whatever we know all about all the kids he had like i knew he had some kids i didn't know he had like nine kids by three different women and all this shit.

Everybody starts airing your dirty laundry out because you want to spend your money. I don't know. I just fucking hate all that shit. But this one, I really feel bad for him because it seems to be straight up not true. They said that he the founder or the head of Google right now that Elon fucked that guy's wife.

He was a cock chair? Huh? A cock chair? Yeah, probably. Probably was. who was like the head of Google right now, that Elon fucked that guy's wife. And that's... The cock chair? Huh? The cock chair? Yeah, probably. Probably was. Dude, that picture of the cock chair someone photoshopped was so funny.

With Elon? No, with me. Oh, I didn't see it. So my hotel room last night just had this fucking chair sitting there. Oh. Oh, I thought you were talking about the royal weed, just the cock chair. You had a cock chair. I had a cock chair.

I didn't put that there. I didn't move that from a desk and put that there. This is in the Crowne Plaza in Queens? Yeah. I mean, that's a 40... That is a room you rent by the hour. Like, it's just... That chair was just sitting there. Or for the

pimp to sit and make sure nothing goes wrong But someone Photoshopped this It's a great Photoshop It's a great Photoshop That's just you watching your wife get fucked By some giant black guy When you sit there and smoke cigs on the cock chair

You on the cock chair would be funny Because you'd be like talking to the guy Good stroke dude Nice, nice. Good shit, man. What's your 401K looking like? Are you taking a bath too? So this story was – it's like the head of Google.

Is that who it is? If I remember correctly. It's funny that we don't – I mean I don't. Maybe you guys do. Like I don't know the head of Google the way we do know like Zuckerberg and Elon and like – How come we don't know like the Google guy? That's not an accident. Yeah, right?

You think we would know, right? Sergey Brin or something like that. Yeah, Sergey Brin. Okay, I guess I do. I'm smart as fuck. Yeah. So they said that he's breaking up with his girl, and then it was caused by Elon Musk fucking her,

which would be like, that would be a monster story to me if the tech giants are banging each other's wives. That's like fucking nuts. And Elon, Elon's just like, there's no truth to this. I was hanging out with Sergey earlier today. Like, here's a fucking, now, here's the thing, though. What if, like, you can do all this and still be fucking his wife. Because what if it is a cuck situation?

What if he was on the cuck chair and it's like, yeah, I do have pictures of us smiling and hanging out. Because usually we have pineapples upside down and things are all good. But shit has gone awry. Because once you fuck, like, tech giants, they ain't no going back. Why? Oh, you'd be promoted for shit. For many.

Yeah, it's like once you start dabbling in that game, what are you going to get back on the hinge? You start fucking regular guys. I'm used to fucking banging the head of Google. Once you start dabbling in that game, when you get back on the hinge, you start fucking regular guys. I'm used to fucking banging the head of Google. Well, if that doesn't work, I'm going to go bang the guy from Tesla. Yeah. Once you start running in those circles. Nah, I disagree, actually, on what you're thinking about.

It's like fucking an athlete. Plenty of chicks fuck athletes, and then they go fucking back to. I don't think they do. You think that those club girls and shit who start fucking athletes and rich guys, then once they get older and shit, in their prime? Eventually, they fucking marry a guy over there. Yeah. Yes, but in their prime, they go from their homie hop in. But she's not in their prime.

She's the wife. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that might be true. I mean, at that point, you've got to just take his money and run, and that's the goal. You know what I mean? You fuck these tech giants, then you get them, and you divorce them, you take their money, and you leave. That's the circle of life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, but, you know, Elon, either those guys got together and were like, hey, let's fucking squash this and, like, bro out. And be like, we're cool, right? Let's not fuck up our money and all this shit and just say like we're friends you know what i mean because it's that seems like a weird story to run with if it's not facts because you now have like two billionaires who can throw you know endless money at you for a lawsuit if it's liable or whatever so that seems weird but nonetheless elon comes out and says not only are we boys it can't be me because I haven't had sex in a while. Sigh. I don't give a fuck about Elon Musk

as far as anti or pro him. I don't find him particularly interesting, so that's why it's very weird how much people love him. But that shitposting when you're a billionaire, I think, is so lame. It's like shitposting.

Shitposting is for 20-year-old dudes. That's what he thinks is funny. I find him interesting Posting when you're a billionaire, I think, is so lame. What? Just like shit posting. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's – Shit posting is for like 20-year-old dudes. That's what he thinks is funny. I find him interesting from like a science point of view. I think it's – his brain is obviously crazy and he – my problem with Elon has always been that he makes those promises and then he can't deliver them. Yeah.

But what he actually has delivered, spaceships that can land in the same spot and like we're going to get to Mars and all this shit like that's obviously i love that shit um what i don't like is that he's tried to be funny yeah right the dogecoin and the tweets and when they when he calls himself i don't know who's worse him for calling himself a meme lord or like when other people call him a meme lord what's worse i don't know either that was happening but both things you want to fucking puke how about the one did you see the tweet I, so when he said, I haven't had sex in a while, sigh. Ugh, like a fucking like anime cartoon commenter.

Yes. That makes me want to crawl out of my skin just hearing that tweet, reading that tweet. When I saw that The top reply Was A fan Like a fucking Elon bro So he said I haven't had sex in a while This guy goes that's bullshit bro I'm happily married with an amazing wife

Even she understands if I helped you out She would even be proud of me Even if I myself Would feel like shit LOL that's hell for me, but I would do it. Is this guy talking about giving up his wife or fucking Elon Musk himself?

Sounds like he's talking about fucking himself. Yeah. These guys are the biggest fucking losers in the world. Fans of anything are like huge losers. Yeah. Fanatic is short. Fans are short for fanatic. Fanatics are fucking nutjobs. When you cross that threshold

Across that line It happens pretty quickly When you become like a weirdo But like being a fan of like But a team and a sport is like Is different We know We inherently know it's silly

Because we're talking about a game And all this shit But it's just like We're doing it as like a hobby And like an outlet And for fun Being a fan of another dude is weird. Particularly when it's like, I love his business or I love his science.

I don't know. I guess everyone's got their thing. Because then what happens, the same way you defend a team no matter what, that you defend this guy no matter what. And it's like, what if he does something wrong? He did something wrong. No, no. Because it's like what if he does something wrong yeah he did something wrong no no because you know it's like well no it's just a guy you know it just becomes so weird when

you you co-sign like everything a guy does like you're fucking and then you either offer to suck his dick or his wife to suck your dick suck his dick dude the uh weird bro the uh i i at the hotel last night i went downstairs i went to the bar just to get some food, and it was terrible. Like, the town, Crown Royal, Crown Plaza. Crown Plaza in Queens is legitimately the worst hotel I've ever seen. I thought the one in Providence was absolutely awful myself. Musty old air. That was the Ritz compared to this.

Really? It was the Ritz compared to this. But the, like, I think that's why my throat was so sore. Like, it might be COVID. It might be just like the air in that hotel. Like,

it was like breathing vinegar. Every breath. Like, truly. It was probably that you had bags and bags of salt and vinegar chips, but anyway.

But the, I'm going down to the hotel party to get some food, which I ordered a grilled chicken and a frozen chicken patty is what came out but the in the elevator

on the way down I bumped into someone who was clearly I bet this kid's an Elon Musk superfan he's such a motherfucker

and he bitched me man he fucking him and three friends one was a chick they fucking just bodied me you get so dominated

in public like in public spaces he just goes hey man nice mustache right i thought it was gonna be something like they bumped into you or like they took your space nope he he dunked on you and then i went i went i went uh i had headphones in this is gonna go to the bar all alone. So I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he goes, good beard too. And then luckily we were on the third floor going down. So I just kind of looked and got out. And then I spent a good portion of my dinner from then on just taking pictures of him across the bar. Just being like that little motherfucker.

John. John, what? John. John, you did what? Just taking pictures of him, thinking about killing him. You just took pictures of this acne-riddled teen? Yeah. I mean, he needs like... He needs Cortina in a mean he has he has like needs he needs like like he needs

Gortina in a bad way yeah yeah he is he is covered in acne he needs that like you know and he bitched me suicidal

he fucking bitched me bro you see this face with this bowl cut yeah yeah yeah that kid that kid fucking

ran my show this kid shit pumped you in front of his girl too yeah dude like he he made sure that that woman was like I'll never fucking my show. This kid shit pumped you. In front of his girl too. He made sure that that woman was like, I'll never fuck anyone. I won't fuck that guy. This is my man right here. Nice mustache.

And beard too. Good beard too. Connects and everything. That kid might be the biggest loser on the planet but except for you. Nice beard man. Totally not patchy at all. Look how much acne he has. And look at his buddy who's sitting next to him slumped down. Those two kids put me in a fucking blender.

Let's call a spade a spade. Those two guys are school shooters. And they are such losers, but they could bully you. Yeah. And I love that little snicker. Totally connects. He looks to his friends. And I love that little snicker. Totally connects. Like he looks to his friends. It's not patchy at all.

Totally is, though. Get it? It is. I mean, you should go. If you committed a mass shooting after that, I wouldn't have fucking blamed you for that. That is some intense bullying. I'm sorry. I'm't have fucking blamed you for that. That is some intense bullying. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

That's fucking weird. I got to be honest. That's fucking weird. The fact that you took ten pictures of a teenage boy, and I know the whole time you were like this. You were like, fucking piss off. Piss off. Piss off. Fucking piss off.

You were like the wet bandits. I'm never going to forget this. You were this the wet bandits. I'm never going to forget this. You were this thing. That's my nine. This little kid thing. He's fucking tough. I'm going to take pictures of him from afar and talk about him on my podcast.

Yeah. No, that elevator ride was my 9-11, and I'm making sure I never forget. Nice mustache. Yeah, good beard, too. Connection, everything. Fucking little cunt what a fucking what a bitch you are man last thing before we go to voicemails

and then we get into our interview with Mark Norman how about Kyler Murray having a hundred million dollar homework clause that was awesome that is fucking is that something that's

in a lot of contracts and we don't know it or this is like the Kyler clause because he like doesn't give a fuck I would imagine it like the Kyler clause because he doesn't give a fuck? I would imagine it's a Kyler clause. I've never heard of this. No, I've never heard of it. He has to do at least four hours of game film homework prep studying a week.

Or he could lose up to $100 million in incentives. That must mean that that motherfucker does nothing. And like nothing. That means he has that motherfucker does nothing. And, like, nothing. That means he has just been like, I am super fast. I can sling it. And I just, that's what I do, coach. Because four hours a week is like, you should want to do four hours a week so you don't get fucking killed out there. A clip went viral today of Brady being like.

I do that every night. He's like, I could. I'm not kidding. I could literally sit here all day. Talk football. Someone was watching film. He's like, I could literally sit here all day. Talk football. Someone was watching a film. He's like, it's so therapeutic to me. He's like, I'll sit in this chair five, six hours ago.

But sometimes I don't even notice. Yeah, yeah. But that's the difference. He likes it. Right. He's intrigued by it. It soothes him. It's like the battle to him.

And he figures it. But if you view it as homework, you probably fucking hate it. Yeah. This guy probably wants to to him, and he figures it. But if you view it as homework, you probably fucking hate it. Yeah. This guy probably wants to go fuck bitches and party and shit. He's like, I got to do homework. When you call it homework, that's, you know what I mean? It's like this, ah, you're like, sorry, guys, can't hit the club. I got to go homework tonight.

Like, come on, man, it's no big deal. Oh, well, I'm going to lose $100 million if I do it, you know? It is like how they have to have it, like, how it's programmed to be able to read what else he's doing on the iPad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he can't be like, he's doing other things during four hours. But it is like, I don't know, man. It's crazy.

Some people are like the Bradys. I think Brady himself would tell you, it's not easy for me. I have to grind to be good at this. Yeah, he's not the best athlete in the world. Yeah, if Brady had Kyler's abilities, he probably wouldn't need to do all that shit. I think he said,

remember he set up a fucking cone drill in his garage in high school. He'd do that three hours a day because he just couldn't need to do all that shit. I think he said, like, I remember he set up a fucking cone drill in his garage in high school. He'd do that like three hours a day because he just couldn't figure out, like, he had no pocket presence, no pocket awareness. But then there are other people, like, I mean, one of my favorite stories to tell is the one talking to Gronk about his iPad.

When Gronk, it was when Antonio Brown had just signed with the Patriots. And Gronk happened to be in the office. And I was talking to him, and I was like, how long do you think realistically until Antonio learns the playbook? I've heard it's pretty hard. And he's like, man, it's not that hard. And he's like, our playbook is big,

but every week you only need a few. And update your iPad with the plays you need to learn that week. And I forget his fucking boy's name. Fucking, I forget, the big dude. He's like his driver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forget his name, but he was with him. And he goes, let's just call him Dave.

I know it's a goofy name, but he's like, he's like, ask Dave when the last time my iPad was charged was. And I was like, when? He goes, I don't know, three years ago? And Gronk just starts laughing. He's like, how do you do that? He's like, I don't know. He's a savant. I understand it's hard for other people.

But not for him. I understand I'm not a genius at everything. I can do this. I don't need to study it I'm not a genius at everything. Right, but this – I can do this. I don't need to study it. Manny Ramirez with baseball. Gronk with football. Like, some guys just fucking get it.

But, I mean, for quarterback, I mean, it's usually a different one. It's like the fact that Kyler's got to be, you know, for a week, seven days in a week. You're doing, like, 30 minutes here and there. That's all it takes to get 100 million. You know what But doesn't that make I guarantee This will come up

That like He won't do this Really I guarantee That they put that in there To be like We'll recoup our money Yeah yeah yeah

We will nail him on this In year like 5 Or something like that Especially because You could be a motherfucker About it You'd be like Well he opened Twitter

During one of the Exactly Like you can There's enough to be like He said she said, and, like, they get out of the contract or whatever, you know? But doesn't this make them look bad for giving him a $250 million contract for a guy who, like, doesn't –

You have to make do homework. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, that's – the quarterback game is a tough one, man. Last thing. Have you heard the song If I Get Caught by Division? No. Did you see the – I saw your – I saw, yes.

Yeah, so Jermaine Dupri posted a screenshot of a text between him and Jay-Z. He wanted to get this sample cleared. So he just texts Jay-Z, which is awesome by the way. The song is Song Cry, which is a song Jay-Z wrote about a relationship where he's like extremely misogynistic. The line – the famous line that gets sampled is, I was just fucking those girls. I was going to get right back. And he's like, how could you break up with me? How could you do me like that?

I'm a man with pride. You don't do shit like that. You don't get up and leave and leave me. Like, you know, being like, I can fuck other girls and we should still be in the relationship. So he says, the sample's good. You're cleared. I didn't think there'd ever be a song more toxic than Song Cry, but I stand corrected. These guys, Division, DDSN, they're, I think think on ovo and jermaine dupree works with them um they write back like

it's not toxic it's just honest this song bro is wild it's it's just if i get caught cheating that don't mean that i don't love you and it is i like feminists i i could i want to just watch their heads explode listening to this song i can't sing it or we can't put on the youtube but you just have to go listen to it it's just guys being like you knew the deal when you got here you wouldn't like me if i didn't have other hoes you knew i was charismatic and just because i fucked that girl doesn't mean that i don't love you and we and we should blow up this relationship and while of course extremely toxic i'm sure there's a bunch of guys out there who like for real man for real facts for the video is funny too the uh the girl uh he he goes out to the club and she's like oh you're gonna be out with like john he's always

with hoes like fuck that and he says like yeah you know you like that i have hoes they push and they play they go to the club there's a phone left behind and uh girls start blowing it up and she rips off rips up his sneakers tears apart his clothes they go back from the club and it's his friend who's like oh shit i can't believe i left my phone here i bet you i bet you saw some crazy shit out there huh and she And she's like, what? And the boyfriend's like, come on, babe. Let's go inside. And she's like, what the fuck just happened? So go watch the video. Go watch the song. I'm sure it'll be big on TikTok and all that shit because it's just –

it feels like an SNL song. It's fucking ridiculous. All right, we're about to get into our voicemails. Perfect timing, though. I get this tweet from Gavin. He says, boneless, LMAO. My nephew just turned four and has switched over to traditional wings. Enjoy your chicken nuggets,

young man. Bro, your name's Gavin. Yeah, like drop dead, Gavin. Gavin. I bet you you're in the cuck chair, you little fucking bitch. Gavin. The day I get insulted by a Gavin is the day

the Gavin gets his larynx ripped out. Yo, we've been watching The Terminalist, Chris Pratt and Tim Riggins in a just like CIA What episode are you on? I'm done. You're done, yeah.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Fucking CIA, PSYOPs, triple back cross backstabbing, murder fucking scenes. Chris Pratt is. One of my favorite tweets has come out of that. One that I found incredibly complimentary. When someone said, this is such a Feidelberg show, I thought you were going to be listed as executive producer. It is great.

But Chris Pratt at one point is like a murder monster. That's what I want to do to Gavin. I want to fucking do a Johnny Reese. Tommy Reese? What's his name? I don't remember. Reese. Reese.

Yeah. There is a murder. I think it's at the end of episode three, maybe four. There is a kill when they're down in Mexico. There's a kill and a threat. One of the most ruthless fucking kills. What's the threat? Well, with the Pacific Ocean when he's like – I can't do it without spoiling, but he's like –

the kill and then the threat, it's just like – I was like, yo, is this the good guy? I don't even know what's going on right now. I don't think he's supposed to be clearly the good guy. That's what's cool about the show. It's very like, you don't even know what's real and what's not for the first few episodes. I know. I actually didn't love that. Once we got, I think episode three where you're like, okay, here's.

Yeah. But I did like, it was, you know, unique because you don't always get that. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't hate it, but I was a little like, all right. I don't like what – the unreliable narrator bothers me. It's like, well, this is stupid because I'm here to watch your show. If you're going to lie about it, then what do you want me to do?

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Instant transfer fees apply. Banking provided by Evolve. Member FDIC. First voicemail. What do we got, Nick? KFC Radio. What's up, guys? I live in a three-bedroom apartment.

Just got a quick question. So I use another bedroom to sleep on the couch. This is my dining room. I actually sleep in a mattress right there because it's super hot. So my question for you guys, mostly Kevin, is does it get any better than this? You know, everyone says once you have kids, once you get married, it gets better. Tell me the truth. What was the question?

Play, wait, play that again? Did he say, play it again. KFC Radio, what's up guys? I live in a three bedroom apartment. Just got a quick question. So, I use none of the bedrooms. I sleep on the couch. This is my dining room. Okay, this is awesome.

I actually sleep in a mattress right there. This is super hot. This is the best. So my question for you guys, mostly Kevin, is does it get any better than this? You know, everyone says once you have kids, once you get married, it gets better. Tell me the truth. What? I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or he likes it.

I can't really tell what's happening. He's showing his apartment is, like, filled with junk and arrow beds. And, like, he's like, this is my dining room. It's just an empty room. This is my bedroom. It's just, like, a mattress on the floor. Okay. But then he says, does it get better? There's a drum set there, too? There's a drum set. Yeah, my bedroom. It's just like a mattress on the floor. Okay. But then he says,

does it get better? There's a drum set. Yeah, drum set. He says, people say it gets better when you have wife and kids. I'm like, who says that?

Yeah, that's... So I can't tell if he's like, I'm struggling right now. Please tell me it gets better. Or... Because what I was going to say, what's the famous line Michael Scott says

about the good times, knowing the good times when you're in them? That was Andy Bernard. Andy Bernard. Also, I think that's one of those things. They didn't invent that. I don't think that's an original line.

I think they get credit for that. I'm sure Andy Bernard took it from a fucking play or some shit. When you are in that lifestyle, and some people do recognize it because those are the guys who stay like bachelors for life. They recognize it's awesome. It's a tradeoff. I wrote this down the other day. I think I basically broke it down.

I wrote it down on my notes. I think I figured out there is – yeah, it's just complex versus easy is what it comes down to like you you life is so easy when you're doing that that i think people get bored of it because it's just like we go out maybe i fuck somebody we drink too much and do it again travel a little bit go out like i think people think that they need more in life right and then when they do that it gets extremely complicated it's no longer fun but there's complex things and maybe you have kids that fulfill you and you have a purpose and all that shit so your life gets complex but it's not fun and then there's fun but kind of like uh empty i guess yeah but the what you need

to realize is that you just need to fill that emptiness with awesome shit go travel you can still be in relationships you don't have to be married with kids but you can still find like great people and partners and fuck them and party with them and love them and travel with them go do different shit go do different shit go to different cultures go all the things that i never like i'm team indoors and i'm team sit on the couch and shit but looking back it's like fuck when you're living that life you can do any of that at a whim or you can do none of it on a whim you don't have to do any of it but i don't think you you realize that in when you're in that mode you're just like i don't know just like yeah

so it's hard to be like, seize the moment. What? Why am I going to add hurdles? Right. But also, by the way, you don't have to be one of these do something motherfuckers. You can just, like, that is when, you know when you're a little kid? What's the coolest thing when you're a little kid? Having a sleepover, right?

When you're like, can I have a sleepover, mom? Can he come here? Can I go there? And it's awesome. You stay up all night, you fuck around with flashlights and maybe you watch some porn on the computer

and you play pranks and prank calls and you do all that shit and then you kind of like stop doing that. You just blended like three separate childhoods. Yeah, yeah,

like three different eras. There's never been a single kid that did all of it. Like we played flashlight tag. Right. That was like the 60s, 70s. Then they watched Board of the Computer. It's a little more modern.

In the 90s, we were doing prank calls on phones. But all those eras were all great, right? But then you just stopped doing that. College, you kind of do it. You're forced in a dorm. But for the most part, you stop. But when you're 24, 25, 26, 27, that's what you're doing.

You're just having like slumber party fucking sleepovers every night and it's awesome you're just showing your you know your life is just your those guys in the bathroom showing your dicks and and it is a billy madison thing where it's like stay here because i've said it a million times it's not fun having getting married is not fun having kids is not fun. Your day-to-day, you don't wake up being like, this is awesome. You don't go to sleep being like, this was so fun. I have moments that I can just think about that make me cry when I think about how, like, I don't know, my kids do something.

And it's like something in me is like, oh, my God, that's amazing. That's my kid. And it's really, really cool, really cute, really sweet. But it's not fun. It's not enjoyable. It's just some other sort of feeling. And if you want that, go get that. If you don't want that, don't go get that.

You don't have to have that in your life. I fucking see my kids jump in the pool and swim, and I don't know. I'm like, this is amazing. They can fucking swim in pools now. And I think it's very cool. I'm not like, that was that's so amazing i gotta tell my friends about it like you have stories and and and tales to tell and memories forever and parties and fun and enjoyment you personally will enjoy that more for like forever just depends on

what you want that's but it is hard to recognize both things and then of course the problem is if you live that lifestyle the three--bedroom apartment with all your buddies forever, there is a level of depressing eventually when everybody else settles down and you're alone. But it's like why worry about when you're like 70 and almost dead? Why give up your 30s, 40s, and 50s for your 60s, 70s, and 80s? Right. Dude, that's what – Who gives a fuck about that? When people ask about tattoos.

It's a trope. No one really ever says it to your face. What are you going to do when you get older? When I'm older, I don't give a shit. Right now, they're cool and I fuck with them. Dude, I just saw one right before we restarted. This guy got a pitbull with pitbull's face tattooed on his body. It's a pitbull body with pitbull's head, and he's laughing.

He's like, I can't believe this is going to be on me for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. Yeah, it's like we – When do you get older? What about when I get older? That's a fucking shit. Yeah. Right now, when you have kids –

Of all the decisions I've made in my life, that's like – One of the lower-level warriors, 70-year-old, has to deal with. For real. You're like, oh, I'll travel again when I'm like 65, when my kids are grown. Dude, by the way, I saw you put on your Instagram story a quote from the airport today. I took a picture of one. John Steinbeck can suck my dick with this one. This one, mine's from Susan Son.

What did Susan say? Because I'll read John's. John sucked. Susan Son tag is, I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list. That's good. I like that one. This one is, people don't take trips. Trips take people.

Shut the fuck up, John Steinbeck. What does that mean? I guess it means trips will take you for a ride and like – I don't know. I don't know. I don't think it means anything. I think it's a stupid quote. That's why I posted it and said, fuck you, John Steinbeck. Grapes of Wrath sucked.

Anyway, I think if a guy is being honest, he will – it's like when guys lie about their sex life. It's like you're not fucking your girlfriend anymore. It's the same guy who's like, I love being a dad. It's like I love being a dad. I'm not going to tell you it's fun though because it's not. It's hard. It's expensive. It's tiring.

It's not fun. Think about all the things you do as an adult that's fun. You can't do those with kids. So unless you just – I always say that every time I'm walking through Times Square, like walking through New York and just like see people pushing their cars. I'm like – I know. I just know for a fact you'd have more fun if that wasn't here. Yes.

That's what I'm saying. I still do this. I still fuck this up because I've had so many years of like, this is how I want to do things. When I go to the pool, I just, I'm like, I bring like a towel. I'm like, oh fuck. I forgot all your shit kids. Like I don't have any of your stuff.

One time I went to the zoo where you have to walk miles and miles. You use your towel? No. It's mine. You figure it out. I went to the zoo once, and I forgot to bring the stroller. You have to walk, like, miles and miles and miles at the zoo. Two kids, little kids can't do it.

And I forgot the stroller because I was just like, I don't need that. Whatever. Let's go to the zoo. Hop in. Let's go. And I was like, this is awful. I'm carrying two kids by the end of it

just like dumb shit like that single dad shit where I'm just like I fucked it up again because it's just so much shit to always worry about

it's not fun stay in your three bedroom apartment with your fucking idiot friends hey guys what's going on it's your boy

Tom Thomp here and I was listening to your episode from Thursday about the Pokedex and the groups on Facebook about girls talking about cheating, and it made me think of this podcast idea I had forever ago. Sorry for the construction work, but I don't have the time or resources to do this, but I've always thought it would be a banger. So I figured I'd share it with you. Maybe, Jackie, this will be your podcast. It's a show called Your Man's Man. And what it would be is someone going through those Facebook groups and highlighting like the craziest ones and trying to reach out to the dudes involved and put them through like a fuck boy

reform school almost like uh tosh.0 web redemption type shit but for like the biggest scumbags in the world and to see just either a how big of a scumbag that person is or if they've changed it all and trying to coach the scumbags into not being a piece of shit that's a plate on humanity um so let me know what you guys think thanks for everything all right well uh to bring up nikki glazer again they do they kind of have their show with fuckboy islands yeah where they bring in people who are admittedly like i'm here to just fuck chicks and then there's other guys who are like i'm looking for love and you have to kind of guess who's who also here's the thing about like what he's talking about like

fuck boys and stuff like and even that song I was talking about like if you're an asshole to people and you're like are just like purposely hurting people's feelings and leading them on and fucking with their life and shit like yeah you're a dickhead but like somewhere along the way we kind of lost the script of like if you're up front with people and you tell them

what you're doing and what you're what you do want to have and don't want to do in a relationship and all that and like and it it like hurts some people or pisses them off or whatever like that's just how it goes right like you're allowed to to play the field and tell people that i'm i'm i'll hook up with you and date you but i'm doing it with someone else i told you up front you know i uh don't want to be in a relationship with you like we can still hang out but this is never going to become something and you know if you if you say that and people still get involved or breaking up in general i was saying the other day i think there needs to be college for relationships or in in college in college they need to do like emotional classes as well we where like one of the classes should be like

you're allowed to break up with someone. You can – people like villainize you like you're a bad guy and it's like I'm choosing to do something like – this is not working out in my life and I'm making that decision for me and I'm sorry that it hurts your feelings. But like you're going to be in the next – you'll be the breaker-upper next time. This is how it goes.

Sometimes you get dumped. Sometimes you're the dumper and like next – you'll be the breaker-upper next time. This is how it goes. Sometimes you get dumped. Sometimes you're the dumper. And like people shouldn't hold that against you or whatever. So like a lot of what he's talking about I think is like straight-up cheating and two-timing and shit like that. But when girls are like, this guy has like fucked everybody in the sorority or like they did it with one of the Mets prospects recently. I went on a date with him. So did I. So did I. So did I.

So did I. So fucking what? Like unless he was lying to you guys, but I think he was just like I go on a lot of dates. You know, I hooked up with a lot of people. Sorry that you don't like that, but I don't know. In my life, not yours. So it depends on like if it's fuck boy. I also think fuck boys get a bad rap.

Yeah, man. That's what I'm saying. Fucking team fuck boy. Yeah. It's like, again, if you do saying fucking team fuck boy yeah it's like again if you do it the right way it's like i i would i'm not complete fuck boy but i got i got fuck boy tendencies yeah do you think do you think that that was some big revelation in the world that the world's like oh really i didn't know it. I did not know.

But, yeah, I mean, if you're just like, here's the deal, and I know you don't like it, you're going to try to fix it. I kind of thought it was a bit of a revelation. Not like a no way, but like a little bit. It's a no way. It's a no way, dog. That's a no from me. Not even a little bit, dude. That was amazing.

Come on. That's a little piece. I think we all got a little beast in us. A little 2 AM what's up. Everyone's got a little one of those. Bro, there have been many times where we've said one thing on the podcast. It's like, I don't want to have sex or like I don't know this or that. And then we're drunk later that night and I'm like, this is the exact opposite behavior of what we were talking about. You said earlier, do as I say, not as I do.

Yeah. But anyway, I think this idea of like, I don't want to deal with like reform them. Like, no, thanks, man. Yeah. That's for the girls to do. That's called dating. Women find the guy and try to change them. That's called marriage, dude.

We don't need a game show. We have an institution. Yeah. That's, I mean, it's pretty hard to find a podcast that would interest me. But definitively, reforming fuckboys is – Ain't the one. Is not the one. I guess apparently that's what this one kind of is. I have seen a couple episodes of Nicky's show and when the girls get it wrong – because you have to like predict.

And if you kick off a guy and he's like, I'm one of the nice guys. You fucked up. Sometimes they keep him and he's like, yeah, I was a fuckboy. They're like, what? I had no idea. Watching them be like, get totally duped is pretty fucking funny. It's like, yeah. You girls think you're smart and you're not.

You're dumb. Last voicemail today is brought to you by eBay. eBay, the OG place to buy and sell everything, but particularly collectibles, and then within the collectible world, sneakers. Whether you're doing trading cards, whether you're doing antiques and fancy shit, or you're a sneakerhead in the game where you're just trying to buy and sell rare sneakers, new sneakers, old pairs you can't find, used pairs that are a little bit cheaper, any sort of sneakers, eBay is back as the premier spot because they've got the 100% authentic guarantee.

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and make sure you get that authenticity guarantee before you buy anything, and then everything's covered. So eBay sneakers, authenticity guaranteed. Last voicemail. Let's go. Hey, Jackie and everyone else. What the fuck? Jackie, there's my grand gesture uh balls in your court now this guy's been trying to fuck her but uh so i'm going on bachelor party in

a couple weeks and i learned that one of the guys is bringing his wife to the bachelor party so i texted the group and i was like oh that's kind of weird and he was like no you know i you know i told them invite their wives and the groom even said he invited his fiancee and wanted to bring her to the bachelor party. And I was like, oh, that's wild. And he was like, well, I mean, it's not like we're doing coke or hookers or something. I was like, all right, I guess. But I'd love to know what y'all think about that. Am I crazy for thinking that's kind of a wild move?

Or am I just behind on the times? I don't know. Well, I'll hang up and listen. Unfortunately, this is a like yes and yes. You're not you're not crazy. But the times are moving this way. Like we know bachelor parties are moving away from hookers and blow. And they're moving towards like golf and paintball.

And they're moving more towards Jack and paintball and they're moving more towards jack and jill it's just as a thing i think jack and jill's can be all right if you do like thursday and friday we hang out alone and then saturday the groups get together but even that you're at like you're in one city in one hotel you're at the same pool it's not good I actually as someone who is not a in an anti-fuckboy sense I'm not a guy I'm rarely going to pick up someone

on the night of a wedding I like the extra 72 hours with a group if I'm going fuck like one of the bachelors so you're saying at the bachelorette party you meet the girl and then see you in a couple months and we fuck at the way and I can like then I can yeah I agree because you have some history yeah yeah yeah but like like if I if we meet like for the first time in the bridal suite yeah yeah yeah taking

pictures yeah fucking me that night sure but that but what you're talking about is a very different thing you're you're utilizing the bachelorette bachelor party to get laid the night of the wedding yeah but most people or just fuck other people at the bachelorette party yeah right right but what what's what when it works i can't do that either because like i'm not a one night guy it's it's it's pretty rare for well you drink yourself into a coma someone's gonna fuck old johnny fights that that dick is not gonna work. That's the problem. I'll fuck you night two. I'll fuck you in the morning. But, you know, night one, it didn't happen.

Jack and Jill also works. Like, I went on a Jack and Jill where the girls were really pretty and the guys were kind of, like, doofuses. So there was, like, cool. We have built-in, like, hot girls to hang out with. Yeah, yeah. So they were, like, happy because they weren't gonna be, like, fucking chicks and, you know, banging chicks in the club in the bathroom anyway, you know? Like, a lot of most bachelor bachelor parties are like just

dudes like who just want to get fucked up and not be bothered by girls you know what i mean some of them are going to be like yeah we're going to the club we're going to bang chicks most of it is like guys who are already married and kids want to get away and they want to like flirt with some chicks and just drink a thousand beers and be left alone and all that kind of shit. So it's like bringing your wife and all that shit and your fiance is not even about necessarily like the, well, now we can't like kill hookers in the hotel room. It's like we can't tell the jokes we wanted to tell. We can't whip our dicks out and slap the wall. We can't like have the guy moments because your girl's there now.

Yeah. Girls, guess what? Girls are not fun. I think I've just been very, I mean, just based on what everyone else says, I have been pretty blessed in life that, like, you know, from starting in high school through college, through my young adult life to now, now, the chicks I wrote were fun. But are they in relationships with the guys?

No. That's the difference. If those girls were dating your friends, it'd be different. Probably. Girls do not. I've never been like, girls are going to come out. It's always – I guess I'm in a weird situation where despite the fact that I'm 33, very few of my friends are married or in serious relationships or anything like that. You're all smart.

But like I probably have like – in my life, I probably had like seven girls who like I regularly spend time with. Yeah. I mean that's a lot. That is a lot. But not all at the same time. Like I had a high school. I had some in high school. Right, right, right. There's a lot of the high school ones I still spend time with. Yeah, that's a lot. That is a lot. But not all at the same time. I had a high school. I had someone in high school. Right, right, right.

There's a lot of the high school ones I still hang out with. Usually that kind of platonic girlfriend goes away pretty quickly. Oh, we've all fucked each other. Even more rare. The people who look up to them. No, that's not entirely true. But some of us have. What happens is girls, this goes both ways.

This is generalizing from a guy's point of view, but it happens to boys and girls. Girlfriends don't like when boyfriends go out and have fun without them, specifically when it's drinking and partying with the boys. And that's what bachelorette parties – bachelor parties are. So they text you and they bother you and they annoy you and then eventually you just cave in and you just fucking bring them. And then maybe that's okay for like you but like i said like you bring your girl and it's like no no she's cool man she's cool it's like fine that might be true but i don't really know that for sure so i'm uncomfortable and i'm not gonna say the jokes that i want to say and do the things i want to do and tell the stories i want to tell because you think your girlfriend's cool but she

might go like oh my god that guy guy Kevin is fucking blah blah blah. So you're just putting other people in an awkward spot. But it is the way that the world is moving. It's going to be one big binary pre-wedding, non-binary, pre-marital consummation party. You nailed this. Fucking. Yeah, dude. You are fucking smoking this.

Keep it going. This just sucks. It just sucks. All the old fun is definitely going away. That's for sure. And I never was even one of those guys, but it's just like there needs, the world still needs guys to do cocaine and fang hookers. It never was me.

My friends were more the guys who were like, let's play. Got a Hunter Biden, baby. Yeah, yeah. The world needs Hunter Bidens who just film all of their illicit drug and sex use. I mean there's a million pictures of Hunter Biden, but one that went around fairly recently I saw that it's him taking a picture of the mirrors on the ceiling of the bathroom. That chick with the tattoos,

what's her at, though? I don't want to get involved in Hunter Biden Twitter, so I don't want to actually ask it, but I fucking want to know what's that girl's name. I'm trying to find it right now. And those are the kind of girls you want on a bachelorette party. Not your friend's

wife. Unless you're friends with Hunter Biden. And then if you're friends with Hunter Biden, you can do a Jack and Jill bachelorette party all you fucking want. Have Hunter bring along all the girls and all the drugs. Until then. Do you know this picture I'm talking about uh i i know the mirror picture but i don't know if i ever like no like like recognize the girl dude i mean i mean but here's the problem

maybe i maybe i do maybe i don't because hunter biden takes more pictures of his illegal drug use and sex than anyone ever it's like hey am am I doing something illegal with substances or a person? Let me put on a GoPro real quick. Every fucking time. It is wild. Like, what's on that? If you were to get my laptop, I don't think there'd be one thing I'd be worried about on there.

Hunter Biden has a treasure trove of fucking drugs, sex, and like illegal federal fucking crimes. It's crazy. God damn, I want to find this picture so fucking bad. It's like the it's not like in a regular bathroom mirror. The mirror is like on the fucking roof, on the

ceiling, I mean. Okay, so it's from this photo shoot. I love that you call it a photo shoot. I don't know why. It's not a photo shoot. It's a fucking crack addict taking pictures of himself banging a whore, John. It's not a photo shoot. It's a man disconnected from reality on crack rocks. Jesus Christ.

Speaking of a crazy crack addict, Mark Norman's on the show. This man, Mark Norman, he does heavy drugs. He is a Hunter Biden type man. Mark Norman does. I don't know if you can just say that. Mark Norman smokes crack and fucks hookers. Comedy! It's brought to you by MVMT.

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You can get 15% off plus free shipping and free returns right now at MVMT.com slash KFC. Mark Norman on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. Good to see you, man. Good to be back. Hey, great to see you. Mark, what's up, him. Good to see you, man. Good to be back. Mark, what's up, brother? How you doing, man? Good to see you. Best hairline in the business. It is good. We're going to put you over here.

That's better than me. That was fucked up, man. What? Well, I mean, I have a hat on, but you're inferring that I have a bad hairline or that he has a better hairline, you know? Yeah, yeah. No, you got a nice one, too. Very jealous. Revitalite. Revitalite. You don't have to go to the baby aisle. Or that he has a better hairline, you know? Yeah, yeah. No, you got a nice one, too. Very jealous. Pedialyte. No, Revitalyte.

Ooh. You don't have to go to the baby aisle. You can just get it in the drunk aisle. Smart, smart. No cans? Nah, you don't need cans. Good, I hate cans. I mean, there's no reason, unless you're playing, like, audio.

Right, you're taking radio calls. People like to hear themselves. Someone, I was saying this recently on a show, and someone said that the reason you do it is you talk over each other less because you can hear it which i was like i didn't notice that but that what are you talking about i don't know if that's the reason i could use that i guess if that's the case but uh i get my ear it's hot it's like big leather fucking you know yeah i've seen some people who who put like the adapter in so you can just have your earbuds. That's all right, but I'm not doing the big thing. Maybe in like a Black Hawk Down situation, you know, like, ah, the terrorists.

What if we had to put on helmets like that? We're so removed from those. I don't know what you're talking about. What? You're like, no cans? And I just kind of stare at you. Oh, yeah. A beer kind of stared oh yeah yeah by the way would you like some whiskey we were just talking okay i got 19 pods after this you know this is a full day now yeah i'm doing my own pod i have another pod i'm doing corolla later this is uh this is this is our day job it is and it's it's

i know you know some people uh he was just showing me a skit that they were recording where it's like making fun of like oh it's it's really hard to talk to your talk to your friends for a couple hours totally but it's like but also when they say that i'm like yeah have you ever talked to your friends as like an adult when you're kids and you're all just fucked up and you're just like i want to fuck that chick or like hey i bet i can't drink all you know whatever but now when you're talking to people, it's like, ah, I got to talk to you about your kids.

I got to talk to you about your job. I got to talk to you about, you know, your wife. It's like, it is hard to talk to my friends for two hours. So fuck you. I know why Jimmy Fallon drinks like an animal.

Cause he's like, he's going to laugh at Snooki. Oh, you don't say Miley Cyrus. You crack me up. Slapping the desk. Come on. What a life that's got to be.

For a dude who is obviously funny. Funny guy, cool guy. Right. And yeah, like Cool Cat was growing up, had to be like the funniest dude in the room, in the class, in the group. And then, you know, makes it big and all that. And then just has to like neuter himself and just chop that dick off and not make any funny jokes anymore. Yeah, I just did a thing with them. I did an announcing thing, and you realize how antiquated TV is.

You get to 30 Rock, they got to sign you in. They got to take a COVID test. You got to wear a mask. I got there at 2. I didn't go on until 5. I did 11 minutes on set, and then they sent me home. And you're like, we could have knocked this out with an iPhone in a hotel room. And your jokes had to be like, knock, knock.

Yeah, I did a bunch of jokes and they kept one in. Oh, man. You said how hard that has to be. I'd like to make it very clear. I am ready to do that. Do what Fallon does for like $25 million? Yeah, I don't care about the job. No, but I think.

Remember what I said when Matt Lauer got busted? Oh, yeah. I said I wouldn't take that job. He came out with the money he made, which was like $42 million a year. And I was like, I don't think I'd take that job because you have to be up at 3 a.m. every morning. Yes. I would – Fallon at least gets to stay up. Actually, no, they record that at regular times, right?

Yeah, they do it at 4 p.m. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, by no means am I saying I would not trade lives with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know. But there has to be a moment where you're, like, fucking annoyed that you have to, like, dumb down and blot it out. Oh, I'm sure. Everything that you think is funny, you know?

But you guys are younger, and I think in a couple years that format might be kaput. Yeah. I don't think that's the only way to do it. I was wondering that. Like, I don't know. You think it's dead, done? I love Quentin Tarantino. He was just on Kimmel. I watched it on YouTube. I watched the 11 minutes he was on

Kimmel and I was like, this sucks. Get to something real. What are we talking about? He's like, last time I saw you was at that party and we both farted on Jennifer Aniston and woohoo. And I'm like, come on. I don't know. I'm a little interested in that story. I made that part up, actually. That would have been funny.

That would have been a good conversation. Dude, do you know what Tarantino said the other day? Tarantino bought a – I guess I forget wherever he grew up. Van Nuys maybe or some shit like that. But there was – he worked at a movie rental place. And he bought the whole place. Right. And then moved it into his house because it was going out of business.

Wow. And now does a podcast about movies in the movie store. That's what I would do if I was rich. Dumb shit like that. On his podcast, he said, if podcasts existed when I was coming up, I would have never made a movie.

He's like, I was just on a podcast. Which is crazy. Think how many Tarantinos we're losing because they're too busy just talking. Wow, Tom Segura might be an amazing movie director. And we missed it because he's got 19 months. He's talking to Bert about Kool-Aid. Yeah, right.

Exactly. He might have been the best porn director of all time. We have no idea. That is, we even lost that. They even tried it and we didn't get to it. What? When Bert and Tom directed each other's porns. Oh, yeah.

They directed each other's fantasy porns. Too busy doing a podcast. Get foul to do that. There's no chance. I mean, we got blackface, thank God, but that was years ago. Those were the days. Somebody just sent me a clip from The Simpsons from 2002. They say Tran in the cartoon.

Really? Yeah, they go in about gender stuff. On Simpsons? Principal Skinner's wearing a dress. He walks out and he's in a dress. They're like, how dare you? He's like, I thought we were all the same. How dare you say men are women? It's like fascinating. And it's 2006. Really? That is

nuts. I did that recently when I was not re-watching. I was watching Cheers. I'd never seen it. It's too many episodes to watch the whole thing, but it's very good but I probably like five seasons it did like 13 seasons 30 episodes oh yeah you still bang I'm out um but they were like in the first season maybe there's like like there's a gay guy in the bar and they're like some people like get him out of here whoa I was like I was like what's Sam Malone gonna do and Samone's like, everyone's fine in my bar. And I was like, ooh, that's like the 70s.

Yeah. You're Sam. Yeah. All right. Progressive motherfucker. Look at that. That'd be a great show. Cheers, but a gay bar.

Queers. Comedy. All right. Where everybody knows you're gay. And they're always glad you came on my face. It's like a planned bit. You want to be where you can pee

in other people's mouths. You want to go where somebody will shit on your chest. All right. Clip it. Clip it. I was listening to the Burt cast of just all you guys after the fully loaded got canceled because of rain. So it's Norman, Gillis, Glazer, Big J.

Trailer Trash Tammy's in it for a second. Trailer Trash Tammy Lynn, Burt, and a born star, Carter Cruz. All talking about getting punched in the face while they're fucking and pegging. Gillis was like one second away

from telling Carter Cruz to shut the fuck up. It was unbelievable. It was brutal, but it was fun because you're in a bus. Me and Shane do a thing where we start drinking

and then in accordance to the show, by the time you go on, you're a little tipsy, and then you keep going, and then by the end of the night, you're wrecked. So the show just kept getting pushed back because of rain. This is like an amphitheater in the middle of Mississippi. So we're putting them back.

The show keeps getting pushed back. So now we're hammered, and then Bert's like, we're doing a pod. And we're like, oh. Pod. And so you can see Shane is off the rails. Nikki's talking. He's like, stop talking. I can't take it anymore.

When did you do that? That was like a Sunday night a couple weeks ago. That was probably like two weeks. Do you know if it was before or after he did? Did he talk about the case race here at Barstool? Case race. Oh, it was before that. That was bad.

Because I was going to say, I would be surprised if Gillis gets drunk on camera again anytime soon. He was beating himself up over that one. I texted him. He's like, I deleted my Twitter. I got to take a break. He took a three-day cleanse. Yeah, he needed it. We all need it.

We're all going hard. We do that Rogan show where we get hammered, and then we did the Burt Fully Loaded Tour, which is just booze and hoagies and anal and all this shit. And then that pod, and then he does this. It's too much. Well, you know what it is, too, though? You guys got to, the drinking comics got to stick together. Oh, yeah.

So many of them now go sober. Good for them, whatever. But, you know, there's a few of you left. It's like, let's get fucking blacked out. I know. Me and my friend Sam have a podcast about it. We might be drunk just because there's, like, eight of us. Yeah, yeah.

We had Soder. He's gone. We had Joe List. He's gone. Dave Attell is gone. Just chopping them down. Chopping Soder, he's gone. We had Joe List, he's gone. Dave Attell is gone. Just chopping them down. Chopping them down. Nikki's gone. She was a mess.

It was a good time, but I get it. You could drink and drive or fuck a kid, whatever it is. Nikki did both of those. We've told this story before, but when we were in Nashville for National Comedy Fest, we were out and Soda saw I was drinking O'Doul's. It was just like, it was early in the week, and I was not ready to go. Yeah. And

I was like, if we're going to be here seven days, I'm not fucking going every single night. So I was just drinking O'Doul's out, and Soda was like, fight, so we doing NAs? I was like, yeah. So we had a bucket of non-alcoholics. A bucket! A bucket of O'Doul's. Just empty calories. They both were like, burping and bloated. A drink double digits. Ohcoholics. A bucket. Wow. A bucket of O'Doul's. Just empty calories. Yeah, right.

That's all you're getting. They both were like burping and bloated. I drank double digits. Oh, you shit your pants too. You almost shit yourself. Remember that? Yeah. Remember I was driving you home and you were like, I got to get out right now. I got to get to the bathroom.

I was like, yeah, because usually if you're shit-faced after 10, 12 whatever beers, like you're, I don't know, the drunk part kind of takes over more so than the stomach part. Yeah. This is just like, you know, fucking how many ounces is that? That's, you know, like 200 ounces of non-alcoholic beer just sitting in your legs. And they're each like, people don't know a lot about non-alcoholic beers, but how they get like the barley and the wheat taste is a fucking shitload of bread, whatever the fuck that is. Of course, sugar, bread.

It's like 30 grams of carbs per beer. The most empty calories of all time. You're basically fucking getting an STD, and not coming. And all the bad parts. So I brought the bucket to the table, and Soder grabbed one. And Gillis saw that. And not even a moment of, you sure? Because he didn't know it was NA.

Hands up. He goes, he's back! He's throwing it all down the drain! That's great. And then when he was like, no, no, no, they're not alcoholic, the look, he's back! He's throwing it all down the drain! Oh, that's great. And then when he was like, no, no, no, they're not an alcoholic, the look, he was like... Like Charlie Brown. Because you do want, like... I don't like when people are like, you have to drink because I'm drinking.

Yes. But you do want that. Of course. You'd rather everybody else be drunk with you. Yeah. You never want to be the only drunk one. You never want to be the only sober one. I'm fine drinking alone though in my own room. But around

other people. I don't like being the only person drinking if like there's other people with me but I'm fine sitting on my couch drinking whiskey. I just don't like being and I don't even I'll drink. I'll be the only person drinking. I don't like being the only like shit based person. No that's a bad look. Because then it feels like they're just playing on a level above you.

Yeah, that's full Andy Dick at that point. Nobody wants you there. You're a weirdo. You're touching stuff. Yeah. But Soder was the man because his head is huge. It's like a water bubbler. And when he drinks, he can hold so much.

He was the funnest drunk. We miss him. R.I.P. Yeah, well, that's what's so funny. You guys were like, it was the just he can hold so much. He was the funnest drunk. We miss him. All right, P. Yeah, well, that's what's so funny. You guys were like, it was the best. You were so much fun. And he was like, I had demonic evils taking over my heart and soul. I get it.

Kudos. I think it was him. He's talked about his. It was that night. He was talking about it. He was like, if I come back. He's like, I've talked about doing it for like a night or something like that. Oh, no, no.

And he was putting together like his team, like his comic drinking team, who would go out for one night just to wreck the town. He was talking to Nate about that in Bargatze. Yeah. Who's also an animal. Yeah. But who would be on your squad?

Oh, geez. Well, I'd still drink with all these idiots, but if I could pick who I could get back, it'd be List Nate Soder uh who else is Soder

that's the same list everyone those guys were hounds Nate was a well we heard the story about David Tell uh uh

Joel was shitting in that girl yeah that's one of the all time like like that is a story that like if aliens come down it should be like top five

We'll tell them about like I don't know The dinosaurs used to rule this planet And then the Magna Carta And then there was a world war And one time Joe Liss Got so shit based He's shitting his girl's shoe

Dude I don't think That's the interesting part of that story I mean obviously it's interesting I think the crazy It's not the crazy part The text from her afterwards No I think the crazy part The comedy festival?

There's so many. There's so many. Seattle's, he only packed a bag. He had shit on his pants on the plane. Yeah. For a six-hour flight in the middle seat, and then he went to the festival and won. He won it? I don't think I knew he won.

I think Nate and Joe have told us that story. I don't think I would have mentioned he won. That's the kicker. That's the final, and I fucking won. They say comedy comes from sadness. What's sadder than having feces on your pants at the fucking contest? Didn't he say he crossed his legs? Yeah.

Never mind. Put that one down. Man, I didn't know he won it. I definitely didn't. I would remember if he won it. They told us that story. They left out the fact that he won. He won it. They told us that story. They left out the fact that he won it.

Hell yeah. There is – I'm not like sober, but I really don't drink anymore, and I certainly don't like party like I used to because – and what's sad about that is those stories. Like he said, he walked out and the table was broken. It was like carnage. And you just don't get that anymore i know that feeling but i don't want to feel that way but i want other people to do it so i can laugh at it of course of course you just don't you know there was just stories that stories are just better when people

are dumb and drunk you know words of jim jeffries no great story started with so i had a salad yeah you gotta go in yeah you know you're not but're getting older, you know. These guys stop drinking. You take a hit. I used to have a joke like I've lost a lot of friends to sobriety. You know, because you usually think you lose them to drinking. But I've lost them to sobriety. But we're all getting older, so we're all taking it more easy. So even if they don't drink, we can still get along.

Well, how is your hangover situation? It's horrible. And you just power through it. I have to, yeah. Because that's what did it for me. I was like, I started drinking when i was like 15 years old and so by the time i was like 30 i'm drinking for like half my life yeah and i had a lot of fun and not to say that i had all the fun because of course there's always new places a new show you know but it was getting to the point where it's like this two-day

hangover it's just not worth me being in a bar for probably like the 8 000th time in my life doing shots till three in the morning. Yeah, yeah. But I say that, but it's like, but you do it for that one time where someone shits in a shoe and breaks the table. Of course. But it does get to the point where it's like, that hasn't happened in about five years.

Right. And I'm puking and everything hurts my head, you know, it's just not worth it. Not to mention the anxiety, the depression, all that goes up. And the fuck, it also used to be like you get drunk and maybe you said something stupid to someone in a bar. Now people, you know, wreck their lives all that goes up. It also used to be like you get drunk and maybe you said something stupid to someone in the bar. Now people wreck their lives with these fucking things. Yes, yes, Roseanne. It used to just be like, oh, man, that cute girl at the bar, I told her she was ugly, and then we never see her again or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Good point. But you were more of the kids, right? Wasn't that more of a line? Yeah. Being hungover with a kid, there is no party worth that. No.

I don't care what you did. You ran into like Jay-Z and Beyonce or whatever. I've often wondered, like we talked about if we were on, if Rogan ever said to you, like, we're doing mushrooms right now or whatever. It's like you have to say yes, right? Sure. And I wonder if there was somebody who said to me, we're going out drinking, and it's like I can't say no.

But if I had the kids the next day, I think I'd tell anybody. I'd be like, I'll come around. Or I would fake it. I would be like, let's go. And I'd be the guy throwing shots out and sipping and whatever. That should be AA. You get all drunk. You get them into the meeting, and then that's what the 12 steps are.

It's six kids coming in, and they're like five, and they're shitting themselves. They're climbing on you, and they're screaming. Oh, my God. It's hell on earth. We used to do that. First of all, I was going to say, I had a party at my house recently, and one of my friends came. It was actually a boyfriend of one of my friends. Wait, are you sober?

No. Oh, okay, because of the NA. It was actually a boyfriend of one of my friends. Wait, are you sober? No, no. Oh, okay, because of the NA. What was that? It was just early in the week. I knew we were going to be there for like seven nights. That was like the first night. I was like, I'm just not going to go crazy yet. Got it.

But he was like, he showed up, and he was drinking non-alcoholics. You're not sober, by the way. No. That's like asking Bert, are you sober? No, sir. Okay. That shirt doesn't say sober. And he was just drinking non-alcoholics.

And I was like, what are you doing? Why are you drinking non-alcoholics? And he was like, ah, the hangovers got bad. And that's the first time I've ever heard that excuse. I've done dumb shit. They don't have kids. And I've heard dangerous health issues. But I've never been like, eh've heard that they don't have kids. And I've heard like, you know, like dangerous health issues.

But I've never been like, eh, the hangovers got too bad. To go completely non-alcoholic. Yeah. I mean, I'm getting there, though, where it's just like, because also what happens is once you scale back your drinking, the, you know, like one or two might hit you funny or your stomach's fucked up. Like I was a well-oiled machine. Four nights a week, we're doing 15 of these drinks, and we know what's coming. All of a sudden, you take that away, and then we're drinking whiskey at 9 in the morning of the day. I was like, oh, my God, this ain't right.

It's almost like if you don't use it, you lose it sort of thing. I'll tell you when it really gets sad is when you're just drinking to get to fun. You know, you're like, hey, what are we doing? Let's watch a movie. And then you start drinking. You're like, this sucks, so we'll drink more. You should be drinking as part of the celebration. That shouldn't be the celebration. You're going from negative two to zero

before you can get up to a tangent. It's like, I just need this to even out. What we're describing is alcoholism. I just need a couple beers to be able to function. How about that Ricky Martin? There's no way he's fucking his nephew, I don't think. I think it came out that the nephew was a little nutty. Right.

But he also hired. So I made a video about this for Instagram and a lot of feedback. I said the fishy part is that Ricky Martin went and hired the attorney for these situations. Bill Cosby got him. Prince Andrew had him. He's also done other non-fucked up cases for Hollywood people. So he's just a very esteemed attorney. But he's also done Bill Cosby and Prince Andrew.

Yeah. And those guys are walking the streets right now. So I feel like when you are in trouble like this, that's the guy you go and get. But I said in my video, hiring a lawyer is not an admission of guilt, but, and a lot of people were like, no, no, no, there's no but there.

You can hire whoever you want. And I'm like, I know that's true, but that shit is suspect. Right. If I just started screaming from the mountaintops that you fucked your nephew and somebody tweeted it and ran with it, would you go get the best lawyer in the world? Or would you just make a video the next day being like, I didn't fuck my nephew. This dude is a fucking wacko.

Right. There's no merit to this. And if anybody does a single investigation, you will find out. And maybe that's where lawyers say, like, don't do that because of xyz but i think it's super weird when you immediately start talking through your lawyers you're immediately putting out statements and you have the rape lawyer right you know right like well i don't know about that you would go portnoy method of just of like a blast like a video when yeah when dave like when dave knew the fucking truth yeah there was There was no gray area. There was no like, oh, shit, that did happen. He was like, none of this is true.

I never did any of that. Boom. Right. And I don't even know if he got a lawyer ever. Dave did. I know we talked to our counsel here, but did he go? Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

I think when you're lawyers once when you are, I have no idea. Unabashedly innocent. And there's like like there's nothing here and it's kind of fucked up that that there's like only one outlet reporting it and i know they never really he really went to the police so it's kind of just like you can charge i can charge you i can make up anything you know so that kind of fucking sucks so maybe you have to do it the right way to make sure you you know or maybe you know what it is i bet there's some other shit that maybe went on with that where. Ah, that's probably it.

Maybe I did knock him around a couple times. That's what I heard. But I didn't fuck him. I beat the shit out of him one day because he was being an asshole or whatever. That's a wild move to beat your nephew. Everyone's talking about the dream to become the fun uncle. Ricky's like, I'm going to become the nightmare uncle. He's the asshole.

The kid's 21. He's showing up drunk and fucked up and and if you're spreading these kind of rooms maybe you deserve an ass beat yeah yeah but i also the other flip side the third side of the coin he's like we were dating for seven months we broke up two months ago just like a lot of weird like details that are like i don't know that would be super weird if you very specifically made up that you were fucking your cousin, your uncle, Ricky Martin, for seven months. That sounds like a real story. How hot is this kid?

That plays in. We've got to see a photo of this sexy Latina. Or Latino, because Ricky Martin's a hot guy. Ricky Martin is sexy as fuck. He's a good-looking gentleman. Still at this age, and he's like 50 now. What? You got it.

Might have made that up. No, I would bet he's 50. I mean, he was popular in the 90s. Yeah. 2020. 20 years ago. That's a good point. 30 years ago. Yeah? You got it. Might have made that up. No, I would bet he's 50. I mean, he was popular in the 90s. Yeah. 2020. 20 years ago. That's a good point. 30 years ago.

Yeah, 30 years ago. He's probably 60. He might be dead soon. Don't even worry about it. He's facing 50 years. I know that. Oh, really? Puerto Rico says 50 years for incest.

Whoa. Fuck your family member? I didn't even know. Incest. I get that it's incest, but I don't know if I would have... Try it lightly here. What are you about to say? I know if you were like, you fucking your nephew incest, I don't even know. I get that it's incest, but I don't know if I would have. Try it lightly here. What are you about to say? I thought you were like, you're fucking your nephew into incest.

I don't know. I thought incest was just like in your family. It's one of those things like cousins. You know, everybody wants to fuck their cousin, right? We all have a hot cousin. I'm pretty sure on this podcast at one time I said that way too confidently. I was like, you know, everybody gets a crush on their cousin and thinks about if they weren't their cousin they would fuck them right and it was no no no i wouldn't let you have crickets well maybe them or something i remember

titled the podcast kevin wants to fuck his cousin i think i went a little too hard on that but nephews actually this is a bad thing funny funny thing to say, bad thing to say. To answer your question, I saw a picture of him in the Daily Mail. The kid's shredded. Yeah. The kid's shredded. Oh, really? He was showing his arrows down.

I was like, it looked like a guy, a person that Ricky Martin would fuck. Yeah. It just happens to be his cousin or nephew. The best part about incest, though, is you don't have to meet the parents again. You know? You already got that out of the way. All right. I'll be here all week. I'm from Louisiana, by the way.

Incest was just like, it's Tuesday. It wasn't that crazy. You're from Louisiana? Born and raised. I thought he was a New Yorker. It feels like you and Sam Murill went to the same public school

sort of thing. Oh, I'll take it. Well, not a Jew. I get that all the time. The Jewish guy, like the Orthodox guy is like, you Jewish? You know,

they're doing that thing and I'm always like, no. And they're like, what? But to be fair, they do that to me too. Oh, okay. I think they just say it to anybody. It's a very weird thing

because it's not, it's almost like in the office with Michael Scott when he's like what are you Oscar and he says Mexican is there any other way to say that no I'm just Mexican and it's like mildly offensive the way that they say that to me

are you Jewish and I'm kind of like are you attacking me do you want me to be what's the right answer here you're clearly Jewish what the fuck's going on here that's why it's want me to be? What's the right answer here? Yeah. You're clearly Jewish. What the fuck's going on here? Yeah, well, that's why it's so weird to be anti-Semitic, because it's weird to hate a

group you can't always identify. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Asian, black, brown. Right, we know. A Jew, it's like, what's your last name? Right. I want to know if I hate you. And even then.

Yeah. Feidelberg, non-Jew. Ah. So it's like, what the fuck, man? I don't know what's going on here. And that sounds like a parody, Feidelberg over here. It sounds like you're making fun of a Jew. Literally, the reason why he came aboard,

I said, you have to use your last name so I can make fun of you and make Jewish jokes. And he was like, okay, I'll use my last name. I won't hide my name, but not Jewish. And I was like, what? It was for very much hack purposes Jewish jokes that's why you gotta hire a black that's why every late night you know Leno and all those guys had the black guitar yeah right Kevin Right, Kevin? He'd go, yeah, yeah, yeah. The roots, I mean, they're all there.

We don't want you talking. Just play. I feel like when was the last time you came on my show where we were doing that deep dive talk, but I don't know if we've done this in a while. It's been a minute. Good to be back. I mean, I feel like since you've been on this, the whole fucking life has changed. Yeah, a lot's going on. A lot of touring.

A lot of big comedy stuff. And then I'm getting married. Oh, congrats. Yeah, he's a lucky guy. Yeah, so a lot's going on. Terrified, nervous. When are you getting married? November.

Where are you getting married? New Orleans. Ah, cool. Dude, I just went to New Orleans wedding like a couple months ago. Dangerous. Really? Yeah. I feel like that's going to be a party.

It's going to be wild. I was in the wedding, and we'd gone out at night four. We were all fucked up. I mean, someone hadn't really been to bed. And I was at the altar, and they were doing a full mass. Ah. Like a full, long mass. Yeah.

And I was standing there. Mass shooting? No, sorry, sorry. I hear mass now. That's where my brain goes. Fucking garbage. And one of my buddies behind me, and I was starting to do like this,

like the wobble. The wobble. Yeah. And someone just goes, unlock your knees. That shit is real. I was like, oh, fuck. It changed my whole day.

Have you ever experienced that? The wobble? No, but if you lock your knees when you're hungover or standing for a long time, the blood flow. I mean, that shit, I always had heard that, and it was real. Yeah, I turned around, and I was like, did you say that? And they're like, no. The Lord. No, no, no.

Well, the heat and the humidity doesn't help either. When was this? Filmy, wet, sticky. March? When was this? Yeah, March. And it was springtime wet. I can't think of it. Second line? Second line. Filmy, wet, sticky March Yeah, March But we did like the fucking I can't think of it

Second line Second line Yeah, that was so sick What's that? That's where a bunch of people get into a parade With tubas and drums and horns And you all dance down the street For the wedding

For the wedding And then for a funeral too It's like our Well, they're both one and the same Yeah Your social life is dead But yeah, we're doing a bachelor party in florida yeah that's when you do the wedding in new orleans where is the bachelor party yeah well florida you know you

want your you're thinking of amsterdam and all that but then you still want your crew to go and yeah the schedule i think it's tough to uh i guess depends on what stage you're at in life asking for like an international bachelor party sometimes is like, bro, that's a lot. Exactly. Exactly. So also, if you go to Amsterdam, it's just like, we get it, you're fucking whores. Yeah. So that was too obvious.

We got to fuck American whores. Yeah. They'll never know that in the panhandle of Florida, we're fucking prostitutes. Right. So we got a great crew going. And how about this? The first night, we're going to this comedy club, and it's all of us, and we sold out three shows,

and all the money from that is going to pay for the whole bachelor party. Very cool. So we got this crazy beach house. I was about to say, you fucking losers can't even take one goddamn break from comedy because you're all so obsessed and you need it in your life, but that's a good racket. This is a money grab. This is totally a money grab, yeah.

That is, I mean, how many people? You do like a full club? It's a sick lineup, yeah, full club seats, like DeRosa, Burt Kreischer, who's from there, is coming. He's like, don't plan anything. I know everyone in the city, Steakhouse, Strip Club, you name it, Gun Range. It's all booked from him. He's the king of Tampa.

The Burt Kreischer planned bachelor party has to be. That's got to be like. We need to write this down. Burt could sell like a fucking travel agent. Yes. Talk to me. I'll plan the bachelor party. This whole comedy thing doesn't work out for him.

You can book the Burt Kreischer gold package silver package bronze package how much do you want to spend what do you want to do oh yeah yeah Tampa is like Tampa's that spot

that's kind of underrated like you are it is it's got beach you want to have promiscuous sex and fuck and all that shit yeah here you go exactly

so it's all the comics it's all the comics and it's jet skis do you have any non-comic friends coming nah just cause I'm gonna do a different one with them like all my New Orleans guys that I was gonna say It's all the comics. It's all the comics and it's jet skis and all that. Do you have any non-comic friends coming? No, just because I'm going to do a different one with them, like all my New Orleans guys. That, I was going to say, mixing.

Yes. That's got to be weird. If you bring the brother-in-law and my two friends from elementary school and you give them Joe DeRosa and Berg Kreischer and Joe Lit. I mean, it's hard enough when you mix friend groups anyway. Yes. It's got to be real hard when you're all talking about the funniest like best comics in the world you're all roasting everybody exactly and there's like you ever heard that gaffigan bit where he's like you ever make two friend groups meet and you have to be you have to prep them like they don't know uh they think i'm british yeah that's a great bit but yeah it's all comics and i'll do another one later but it's gonna be if one of us doesn't die

it won't have been good somebody's gonna do if one of us doesn't die it won't have been good somebody's gonna do we're gonna have a cockfight a petting zoo midget toss you name it it's gonna be wild uh yeah is uh is the wedding gonna be like a traditional wedding no no no i like i went to catholic school and all that i've been to a million mass weddings, and it's a nightmare. We all hate it, let's be honest. I'm not religious. She's not religious. That's why I bring it up because it's like so many people.

I'm wondering when does the cycle break. I say it mostly with chicks because I have never heard one girl be excited to go to a shower of any kind. They all hate it, but then when it's their turn, they all do it. I think a lot of them have to do it because they're mothers and grandmothers, but I wonder if will their daughters not do it because they know their mom doesn't really give a fuck.

I know you gotta get your gifts and shit like that, especially when it's a baby shower. It's like, I need all this stuff and I need my friends to help me out, but the rest of it is like, sit here and play games and read fucking puzzles and blah, blah, blah. At least the guys don't do that kind of stuff. No. But even with the weddings, it's like when are we going to stop with the million-dollar invitations,

the things that literally get thrown right in the garbage? I know. When are we going to stop with the speeches that ruin the fucking – everyone's partying and it's like sit down now for a four-minute speech. Yes, yes. Why? Why does every party have to be the same? Think about it. fucking everyone's partying and it's like sit down now for a four minute speech yes yes why why does every party have to be the same think about it if you threw a party for an event for your birthday party an anniversary or whatever and then i was like i'm gonna do the same exact thing in the same

exact order yeah that's what tradition is i know but it's like a lot of things are steeped in tradition yeah but it doesn't mean i don't think it should be it's like not a party a party is like you know whatever happens happens and this person played music i guess there's not a party. A party is like, you know, whatever happens, happens. This person played music. I guess there's like a band versus a DJ, whatever. There's some things that are different, but it's like, why does... Just keep, just see what people do and keep the fun parts. You know, throw out the masks, throw out the speeches,

throw out the vows, all that shit that nobody likes. So we're just doing band and bar and a party. Just come to this place and drink and eat and dance. Exactly like do more of that and less of the other shit i think it's parents but you see we're very fluid gender wise you know everybody's swimming and then whatnot sports it's all getting like fluid men women but when the wedding shit comes out it's full girl man yeah she's like i don't want a big wedding it'll be

fine we'll keep it light and then two weeks later she's like okay i need the right flowers and who's gonna do the dancing who's gonna do the roses and the ring bearer i'm like ah what happened to light wedding yeah yeah and it is it's like you know girls who are the same people who like you know six months earlier before they got the ring went to a wedding it was like god that was a drag that one sucked yes exactly and then they plan the exact same one i know something happens i tell a man i always said because i when i got engaged it was like i live with her now like what's the difference going to be it's lord of the rings man yeah ring has some sort of power over them but yeah it's gonna be different um it never is it's the same shit and this time we're making

it different god damn it but i turn into the dude on the sitcom. I'm like, shut up, bitch. I got a beer in my hand. I'm watching the game in my underwear. I don't even like sports. But I'm like, oh, shut up, you whore. So it just happens. You just go the other way. You both go gender roles.

Yeah. I say the traditional stuff, but the best wedding I've ever been to was they handed you a glass of champagne as you walked down the aisle to your seat. And I sat down, and I didn't – I basically shoot champagne. I didn't have a chance to finish my drink before the wedding. They're like, all right, that's it. We're like, oh. Wow. It's done?

And then people tell stories about how awesome it was on a podcast later. That's the way to do it where it's like you're remembered for how considerate you were of everybody else's time and shit like that. Exactly. So how was the Kanye-Kim wedding? It was that quick. In and out. No, you'll actually see that that proves you were wrong about the gender separation because Kanye, one of my favorite stories of all time was that he came down.

I'm sure I'm misquoting parts here. But he came down from – he was already in his wedding talks kim was getting her her dress on whatever and he saw the bar and it was just a white standard bar and he got a hacksaw he cut the bar in half oh boy got two two by fours and then he and then he bent the bar kind of like this, to be honest. And then he got two 2x4s and nailed them both to the front of the bar and walked away yelling, if anyone's done something as culturally relevant as Yeezy this year, they can fix it. What the fuck?

I would have divorced that guy immediately. What the hell does that mean? I don't even get it. What? That's Kanye there. Kanye can say whatever he wants. No, no, it was the year yeezy the album came out so he was like i'm the best but what a what a what a what a joy to get to a

level where you can say and do whatever you want i guess that's amazing could you imagine if you got to a point where like you could your comedy just fucking kind of sucks now and people just go like nah man you don't get it dude it's over your head man yeah well that's different creeping into comedy i won't name names but like all this goat shit and you're like hey hey hey get go funny go be funny stop trying to be the best the best like that is taking away from you being the best yeah just go prove it if all you're talking about is your comedy yeah your comedy's not actually that good yeah like with sports is great because you go i'm the best well you just missed that shot so maybe there's a definitive method. Yes.

Stand-up is a subjective horseshit where like we, and dumb people buy it. They go, maybe he is. I guess he is the good guy. Well, that, I mean, I learned I learned like if I could do it all over again, I always said I would be a little less self-deprecating. Like not all the way because I think that's funny

and that's who I am. But I think there was a lot of times where we were like, I don't know, this show kind of fucking, like, sucks. We just, like, shoot the shit. And I think the audience likes it and knows that we're – but I don't know. There's probably a handful of listeners along the way every stop that were like, all right, maybe this show sucks. And, you know, it's like the corny kind of like if you don't believe in yourself, who is? But sometimes I wish I was a little like, this is fucking great. This show is great.

I'm funny. But that's not funny. Yeah yeah what is funny is to be like we suck but you're right that does work dumb yeah so you play a bad song on the radio like sweet dreams i hate that fucking song but it's on every eight minutes and then you go oh maybe i do like it at the very least when it comes on and everyone else is dancing to it you join in yeah yeah you know about it and you talk about it so even if the podcast isn't great but people know about if you just say it over and over again i know like got milk when that came out milk they're still going it's still wet milk uh went through the roof like it was already obviously milk was doing well but it was like went from here to here and so you're like oh shit it's true. Publicity works. Well, even this, they have been yelling at us for a decade. Say, rate, review, give us five stars, leave a review.

And I dread saying it. And I'm like, this doesn't even work. I've never gone and done that after I've heard it. But other people do. A lot of fucking people do. It does work. I mean, we all know guys who got canceled, and now they're doing better. Yeah.

You know, so. Why don't you just get out here and drop a slur right now? Drop an N-bomb, and we will cancel you, and you'll be on the top of the charts tomorrow. Yeah, and also give us a chance to win some points. We'll condemn you right away. Yeah, we'll say. Oh, good point. You guys can denounce me, and they're heroes, and everybody wins.

I'll say, you stupid Jew, Mark Norman. Do you feel like the comedy kind of has there's a lot more of that with social media and shit, what you were talking about like the competition and comparing and... Well, Schultz has the theory that he's like, no, no, everybody's scared and everybody's PC now and cancel shit. So he's like no no everybody's scared and everybody's pc

now and cancel shit so he's like this is great for us because we we get to be the the dangerous ones and people yeah people have to like buy your special just so they can hear crazy shit again so there's some truth to that but it's like this what scares me is like the ricky martin shit like somebody can just say something that is is fucked. That scares me. And what I hate is the comedians calling people out. Like, he said this word. Fuck him. And you're like, you're a comic, though.

You know what he's doing. He's trying to get a laugh. You don't actually think he's in the Klan. It's a joke. You know? That Ricky Martin shit is fucked. That's fucked. There's just one newspaper in Puerto Rico,

and I don't think it's like the big one. Right. It's like a little local spot. But then TMZ says, this is going to get some clicks. Exactly. It's like Elon Musk. Love him or hate him, whatever you think. He's like, hey, they got mad at me for whatever I said about being a Republican, so watch the allegations fly.

And then two days later, it was like, he MeToo'd me on an airplane, and you're like, ah, this is fucked up. And why aren't the women mad at this? This is like diluting real allegations, like real shit. Real shit like his father getting his stepdaughter pregnant. Is that right? Yeah. Whoa.

Two times. African-American. It's all right. It's out of control. God damn. But yeah. E-Roll said he's putting this planet to procreate that's like his mission and i guess he will stop at no length i think nick cannon subscribes as well but yeah

do you see the the bill burr special i haven't seen it yet it's fucking incredible and he goes hard and i was like fist pumping while watching like ah it's so good right but it felt like real comedy and he's getting a lot of backlash, but I didn't even notice. And that's where we gotta go. It's just gotta be like, eh, let them bitch. They'll wear themselves out.

It's like a dog with a chew toy. Like the baby cry out. Yeah, yeah. So I think we used to focus on it and write articles, and it made... Like, the fact that comedians are in the news,

it's fucking bananas. It's crazy. Like, that's a bad sign for society. We got real problems. Like, Flint has... They're drinking cups of piss You know And we're like

Ricky Gervais Yeah oh the guy The funny guy Who made a joke Who gives a shit This is CNN What are we doing here I've seen it for like three days

I mean Rogan's obviously One of those people Who gets clicks But like for like three days It's like Rogan and Segura Joked about murdering All the homeless people I know

It's like who's buying this Who's like They're gonna go out there. There's actually real shootings. He made a joke about a shooting, and we're focusing on that. Right. That is crazy. It's like Bill Burr was on a-

We're talking about the fake shootings and not the real shootings. Bill Burr was on a morning show once, and they go, I went and saw your show last night, and I got to say, don't you think the Catholic Church pedophile jokes are a little far? And he goes, don't you think the priest went a little far? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Catholic Church pedophiles are too far far. And he goes, don't you think the priest went a little far? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Catholic church pedophiles are too far? Not the guy joking about it. That's one of my favorite.

I feel like you've done that a couple times when you go on those local news morning shows. Oh, you've got to go nuts. Did you say you were molested by your uncle, or was that Morel? That was Morel. I queefed. I said I queefed a lot or something. And poor Sandra, who's just trying to make it to the weather girl.

I need to fill 90 more seconds of air and this guy's talking about queefing on me. It just can't work. They're like, be funny. It's like 8 in the morning. You're hungover. You don't want to be there. This is going to sell one ticket. I don't even know why you guys do it.

I don't either. It's the oldest method. Yeah, it's in the contract. Otherwise, we wouldn't do that shit. Yeah. But it's the third one that day, and they're like, be funny. You're on after the animal tricks guy. You're like, all right, great.

And then you try to be funny, and they're like, whoa, what the fuck? Cut it, cut it. Hey, you can't say something. You're like, you said be funny. This is what I do. And they're like, not that kind of funny. So you're like, this doesn't make sense sense it's like having a porn star on and being like do your thing and don't talk about that you know like whoa whoa turn the cameras off so it

doesn't work but you just got to go balls out because fuck them anyway it's not gonna get seen you know the only place it's gonna get seen is when i put it on my instagram and i'm fucking with you and that'll sell more tickets, ironically. Mark's a pussy who won't punch girls in the face during sex. Even when they ask and they give consent, he just says no. What an F word. No, I think you're right. I think a punch in the face, we have a line.

I've been punched in the face, but that was abuse. But that was domestic violence. No, no, no, this is a different time. Really? I couldn't hear out of my left ear for a while. Oh, that's right. I don't trust him. I don't trust him to throw a punch. I couldn't hear out of my left ear for like a week. Damn, who do you fuck, Cyborg? Jesus Christ. You get boxed in the

ear by anybody. Yeah, it wasn't even a punch. It was like... Oh, that's bad. Damn, that's an anti-Semite. That's horrible, Feidel. Jesus. Anytime they've reciprocated that type of stuff, I'm like, I don't know why girls like this at all. I don't either.

I got hurt, and I'm feeling like I want to punch you back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like totally stuck out of the moment, to be honest. I start putting my clothes on, and I'm like, all right, let's go. Taping up, you know. Maybe that's how fisting started. I totally took it out of the moment, to be honest. I started putting my clothes on, and I'm like, all right, let's go. Taping up. Maybe that's how fisting started. The guy was like, all right, and he slipped.

Whoa! Went right up the old gash. That was part of that fully loaded conversation. It was like eight people on the mic being like, I punch chicks. I don't punch chicks. You're a pussy for not doing it. You're a weirdo for doing it. And the porn star was like, okay. It was wacko. She was like, you must not respect women. You don't punch chicks. You're a pussy for not doing it. You're a weirdo for doing it. And the porn star was like, who cares?

It was wacko. She was like, you must not respect women. You won't punch a woman. I'm like, what the fuck is happening here? I'm on a bus. I'm drunk. Gilis, how about this? Gilis said, because they were talking about punching, and I think it's more like slapping usually, but I guess one girl was asking for a punch.

Hit in the face, let's say. And one of the, kind of the consensus was like if you've been in a relationship for a long time, you're looking to do kinky things, okay. First date, first one-night stand, some girl says, hit me in the face. You're a little like, whoa. That's how TMZ gets you. Right. Picking up the bar and asking to be punched in the face.

But I think Gillis then said like that would be like if you went on a date with a guy on the first night and he said, peg me. And so Carter Cruz goes, so you think that getting fucked in the butt is the same thing as getting punched in the face? But at one point, Shane was like, yes. Yeah. Yes. It's fucking weird, okay? I don't want it.

Exactly. Yeah. It was bad. We had her pegged all wrong. It was awkward. But it was a fun trip. Is that still going? Well, we're going to make that up.

Yeah, one day. Then I think there's other ones. We're doing Red Rocks. Oh, cool. So we're doing Brandon, Mississippi again, and then Red Rocks right after, and that's going to be fucking bananas. I think when we talked to Bert in Nashville,

he was talking about how you guys were going to have masseuses and stuff like that. Did he take care of you? Oh my god, he just knows how to throw a party. First you wake up, you wake up on a bus, by the way, in a cot and it's Joey Diaz down below sleeping like, he's shaking and twitching.

Who knows what he's dreaming about, some Uzi fight he was in. He's probably having flashbacks of when he was in a trunk at some point. But Shane was right below me, and then there's a couple other guys and Bert and whatever. Are the girls in there with you? They have their own bus. I was going to say, that's not allowed. Yeah, no, exactly.

And so then I woke up one morning, and you're like, you're hungover, you jump out of the bunk. And I looked outside, and there's a giant inflatable water slide, like the size of like two stories. Hell yeah. And you're like, all right, there's the morning. I know what we're doing today. Yeah, exactly. And then there was a dunking booth, and we would sit in the booth and make fun of, you could roast everybody, and they kept missing.

So you get a bunch of real zings in, like, Bird, you've never met your kids. You're mad as shit. Shane, you do uh trump that's all you got how was snl this season it was pretty good you know and then they're like fuck and they can't hit the the the circle the paddle and you're like that's great you know big j nice streak in your hair you queef how about you get some sleeves on your shirt what's a chain wallet a chain wallet? What is this, 1998 at a Dishwalla concert, you know? And finally they get you

and you go under. But it was fun. What are they saying about you? Oh! Comedy! All good things. All good things. Yeah, you fucked your cousin,

your nephew, or whatever. Bird, you've never met your... You can't punch a woman. Yada, yada. Unreal, man. So what do you got coming up? Oh, boy.

Besides that. I'm all over the road. MarkNormanComedy.com. A lot of dates. I'm out every weekend doing some theaters coming up. So check the website. We Might Be Drunk podcast. Tuesdays with Stories podcast.

I have my own Patreon podcast. So I'm a busy douche. Solo dolo on that one? Solo dolo. You talk about hard to talk. You know, you're like 12 minutes in, like, I'm out. I remember that. Brutal. At this point, I just fill the air, because that's

what I do, but I remember early on being like, okay, how much was that? And they were like seven minutes. Yeah, exactly. Okay, I need to come up with about ten times that amount, but we'll figure it out. You get why they take calls and advice and all that, because it is hard to fill dead air. Alright, brother. Well, appreciate it as always. Hey, that we'll figure it out. You get why they take calls and advice and all that because it is hard to fill dead air. Alright, brother. Well, appreciate it as always.

Hey, that flew by. Mark Norman. I'm going to go eat some more Gushers. This man had four bags of Gushers and two Airheads. Three bags in three. Three in three in a matter of 60 seconds. Shoving Airhead.

His jaw was unhinged. My jaw still hurts from it. Jesus, man. What are you, training for the cunnilingus contest? That's insane. No, I got a big nose. I don't need to. He said he uses his nose.

A couple girls on the podcast here said they heard that guys with a big nose kind of get better. I do that. Yeah. Can you do that? Why not? It's an appendage. Intentionally? Yeah, of course.

You're already there. Yeah. Use everything do that? Why not? It's an appendage. Intentionally? Yeah, of course. You're already there. Yeah. Use everything you got. That's what I said. I feel like I could probably, unintentionally it happens, you know? Yeah. But I'm never like, but I mean, if it works, you know? Yeah.

I was kind of asking around about that, and one girl said like, well, like, I'm riding your face. Am I using it? Yeah. And I was like, whoa. Whoa. So you're like, you know, I'm like, if I'm riding your face, am I using it? Yeah. And I was like, whoa. Whoa. So you're like, you know, I'm like, all right, let me fit that in right there. Yeah.

That makes sense. You know what, essentially, a lot of ladies tell me, and maybe you could weigh in there, sister, is the tongue directly in the hole. We were talking about that just the other day. Oh. Yeah, we were. What were the girls saying to you? They said that's the hottest thing ever.

In the pussy hole or the asshole? In the hole. That's where I was saying that's when the nose would come into play. If your tongue's on the clit, then the nose is too high. But if your tongue is in the hole, then the nose is right for the button. Yes.

But I thought it was weird to put the tongue in the hole. But I guess these chicks are saying otherwise. But I thought it was weird to put the tongue in the hole, but I guess these chicks are saying otherwise. I've heard it's good. I think it's just the idea of like, your tongue is in me. It's in my body.

But also, you've got to do that thing with your tongue when you do that, you've got to like, harden it up. Yes. You've got to give your tongue

an erection. You've got to fluff it a little bit. Like a little helicopter talking in the bathroom. Fluff your hole. Right, right. You spit a loogie, that's when you jizz. On that note.

Thank you, guys. Comedy. Make sure you subscribe to KFC Radio on YouTube to get all the video content. Subscribe, comment, like, and make sure you turn on the bell notification so you know whenever new video content drops. I want to say something, but the video has to be fast.

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