KFC Radio - Maury Povich, Sherrod Small, Tom Brady's a Witch, and Our Greatest Fears

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -Feits is hooked on Miley Cyrus's Cranberries cover -The perfect length of a book/song -This is where we go off the rails -Old soul at the playground vs KFC -A Majority of Feits football teams won this weekend -Tom Brady is a witch -Top 5 Fears -Voicemails include Sex for Lesson Plans, we detour talking about the highest paid onlyfans accounts, and getting called the wrong name (01:25:00) Maury Povich joins the show! We talk about the legend status that Maury has built, adapting the show as social media began to rise, plans for the future of the show, and a special Barstool Father reveal. Maury also calls out Riggs! (01:49:00)Sherrod Small joins the show! We talk about the outrage surrounding Bill Burr's SNL monologue, people getting offended too easily, comedians turning it on under the lights, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @TheMAURYshow @Sherrod_Small Daily Clips on Youtube: www.youtube.com/c/KFCRadioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I'm leaving lasting memories. Hey, you're not going to forget this. You're going to remember this face, as mangled and melted as it is. Remember this face. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's in your head. I'm surprised you stopped. It's in your head.

I'm surprised you stopped. It's in your head. Zombie, zombie, zombie. Hey, hey. That was harmonizing, motherfucker. That is 10 years of chemistry right there, bitch. That was good stuff. Fuck you, cranberries.

Why are we singing this? Miley did it. Oh, no, I'm a cranberries guy. Huh? I'm a cranberries guy. Oh, I fuck you cranberries why are we singing this uh miley did it oh no i'm a cranberries guy huh i'm a cranberry oh i love the cranberries well then you can why did you say fucking cranberries we just fucking one-upped them oh okay uh i thought you're saying fucking cranberries like i like the miley one better no no i love the cranberries i was more of a linger guy do you have to do you have to let it linger um but. There are some people of our audience. Most people know that. But some people in our audience are like, what is going on? Yeah, well, I only know that because my dad loved them.

Like, I was too young. I was like. For Grammys? No. I was. Like, they were popular. But it wasn't the music I would be listening to at that age. I was like two to four.

I'd say two to six. They were like a 90s MTV watch the music video type of band. Oh, I think she's like Unplugged. They were like a 90s MTV watch the music video type of band. I think she was like Unplugged. I know they at least had the Unplugged album. Unplugged was a big one. For sure. I still to this day don't know what it's about.

Oh, I don't know what any of it's about. I bet you that's about teenage abortion or something. I'm going to guess it's some IRA shit. Yeah, they were big time like you know irish terrorists right or they were singing about that they might have been terrorists i don't know i feel like there was there was like a slew of songs in the 90s they're like you know that's about abortion right dude i learned i didn't know that i learned the other day dj bean tweeted it like uh stop putting you can go your own way in in commercials like it's not about like

it's symbolizing freedom apparently it's about people high on cocaine telling each other go fuck off that's not that bad though no you know no but it doesn't inspire me by a forward focus either there's a song maybe it does maybe that does i saw one that was floating around it was kind of like it was like a 70s or 80s probably 80s like um like uh i don't even know like a black boy band in like the 80s kind of like a bobby brown type of like thing i don't know and it was about uh it was called candy and it was like how like how old were you when you found out this song was about cocaine and i had never heard the song but it's called candy and i was like anybody who listened to the song and didn't this song was about cocaine? And I had never heard the song, but it's called Candy. And I was like, anybody who listened to the song and didn't know it was about cocaine is just not listening.

The moment you told me the title, I knew it was about. Right, but it was funny. The lyrics are like... I actually guessed crack, but I was close. The lyrics are like about not having an appetite. I mean, they were on the fucking nose. But yeah, I mean, we should do that. We should do, not today today today's top five greatest fears

but we'll do a top five like songs that you were like what you know didn't know or top five inappropriate songs that you shouldn't be singing out loud because you didn't know what the fuck a king you lay put it in my mouth yeah akanele akanele it's always it's always gonna be a king you lay that was yo fucking when i first heard that song. My fucking slut babysitter used to make me watch porn with her. Yo, can we track her down? Yes, I easily could, I think, but I don't think I want to. Can I track her down? This is not about content, bro. I don't think I want her to know I'm still talking.

How much older is she than you? Not much, right? I would guess four to six years. So she's probably right age. Four to six years. So she's probably right up your boy's ass. I would love to fuck your babysitter. Love.

I have a few. Not only because I could be like, I fucked your babysitter, but also because she sounds like she would throw down. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you're watching porn

at that age, you have learned some things. Watching porn is invaluable. People talk about it being like an addiction and bad for you. And, you know, obviously you've got to – all things in moderation. Celebrate porn responsibly. But you pick up a lot of, you know, learn a lot of stuff. If you're a girl not watching porn right now –

Stuff that I just don't even know I picked up when I was 15. Which is like, ooh, I like that. Yeah. I don't know how I knew how to do that. It's like osmosis. It's not like I ever watched it and was like, I'm going to learn how to do that. Yeah, I wasn't doing X's and O's. Just like, hey, there's something to do.

Yeah. It's like, you know, I'd probably still be using these two fingers to finger girls, you know? Like a fucking schmuck. When you said the word candy about the song, it reminded me of an article I was reading last night, which was just a fun fact I'm going to throw out here. This isn't opening to discussion. Do you know?

I'll be the judge of that. In the last year, because record labels are encouraging their artists to shorten song titles for Alexa. Oh, the titles. Song titles for Alexa. And in the last year, most, it used to be 15% of songs had a one-word title. Wow. This year or the last year. Nine years and shit. 45. Wow.

I thought you were going to say shortened songs. Have you noticed that? I have not noticed that. Songs are like two minutes long now. Yeah, I guess that new Bieber piece is like two and change. All of Machine Gun Kelly but that's also like a pop punk thing a lot of short songs

there's like 3 songs in a row on Machine Gun Kelly that's a total of like 6 minutes I like the songs but they're over fucking quick and so I feel like they've been doing shorter albums recently like 7, 8, 9, 10 song albums I feel like we come back around on albums recently, right? It's like seven, eight, nine, ten song albums. I feel like we've come back around on that.

I think we're back to long again. They're getting long again? Yeah. Because if you're doing like an eight song album and the songs are two minutes long, that's like one Meatloaf song. You know? I need a good, like, I need like a four and a half minute song. Oh, heavens no.

I like a bridge and, you know, all those things. I need the choruses. I need the verses. I need a bridge. I like a bridge and, you know, all those things. I need the choruses. I need the verses. I need a bridge. I need a refrain. Give me a three spot. Oh, I like three. It's going to be good.

Three to 330. I don't like when people just repeat the chorus for like an extra two minutes at the end. I think songs are like books. And a book, if you can't say it in 200 to 220, it's just where you're getting the filler part. I think 200 to 220 or three minutes to 330 is the 200 to 220 of music. I don't think you are a qualified enough reader to be talking about this. I think I am. I don't think you are.

I think if we were to put out a poll, what is the perfect book length? I bet it's a 200 to 220 range. Well, that just varies so much, though. You know? How so? Like, topics and, like, if it's, like, a beach book, yeah. If we're talking about, you know, like a George R.R. Martin novel, like, where you're, like, building a world,

I think his books are too long no matter what. I don't think any book should ever be, like, 1,000 pages long. But I feel like if you're doing, like, a nonfiction book, a research book, or this book, a research book, this book, that book versus like a fun, you know, young adult vampire book is going to be very different. You know, the Declaration of Independence was one page. You can't. You can't. If you build a country on a page.

Granted, it was a big fucking page. But I don't give you like that. That thing broke down to like 12 pages if you fucking need more than 200 pages to build the world the founding fathers built this shit and granted they had a lot of stuff wrong i was gonna say we could have used a few more pages i think we could have we could have uh listed a few more things out i think like yeah that's the reverse of deeper explanations to all men are created equal. What do you mean by like that, Thomas Jefferson? What is all? What is men equal?

Almost all of the words in that statement. They're going to get it. They're going to get it. They'll figure it out. That's great. Betsy Ross is in the corner like, I'm going to stop stitching, I think. How much are you guys paying me for this? Shut up, bitch. Shut up, bitch.

Imagine they just published their first draft where it was just like, all men except blacks. And they're like, we'll just take it out all together. We'll leave it up for interpretation. It's like the Sopranos finale. See what they think. They'll probably get it. I mean, you know, they're definitely leaning one way. It's called artistic interpretation, okay? Boy, where do we go?

We were still talking about Tom Brady. Where did we start? Where are we? Is this? I think I just dropped in in Fortnite. Where? Where am I? I don't know what's happening right now.

Robin Williams and fucking Jumanji. What year is it? All right, so it's not an hour into the podcast. I know. I was going to say. It's 4 p.m. It's the time of day. It's 4 p.m.

It's the time of day. It really is. You're a fucking gremlin. We can't feed you. We cannot feed you past midnight. Now we're doing fucking, what is that, Daffy Duck? Who is that? Who is that?

Woody the Woodpecker. Yeah, what do you want? I'm starting to get scared. Like, this is one of those things where if, God forbid, something really goes wrong, they're going to be like, was his behavior off at all? They're going to be like, oh, he was having full-blown manic episodes at 4 p.m. on the dot every fucking day. I don't know what to say right now. Just having fun, baby. Yeah, man.

We got a fun episode. We got Sherard Small on. We got Maury Povich on. We're going to go off the rails today. Fuck. A lot of content out right now. Tonight or this week, we have another One Thing I Learned, KFC Radio Primetime.

Wednesday night, 8 o'clock. Feidelberg's back with another cartoon about his fucked up life. This one's about my home invasion, right? Yeah. When I was home invaded. It's got good artwork that seems borderline racist at the beginning, but you gotta stick through it.

I promise it'll make sense. It does make sense. It gets there. In the beginning. It gets there. We're dicey. Yeah, yeah. We land the plane.

Three robbers broke into my house. Three black guys come in. It will. I was there. I can confirm their skin color. We should have talked about artistic artistic interpretation we should have taken some liberties on that one i mean i later said could know because it plays a factor in the story watch it watch it we also got uh karen fian who's a very funny comedian on ati oh ati yeah uh karen is

a fucking savage uh who says let's I mean, lets it fucking fly. So we're back in action on ATI with someone who really truly understands the essence of ATI and just lets it fucking rip. Yeah, she said everything. It's a rare Monday, though, John, as we record this. Today's very strange and rare and just does not occur very often. It's brought to you by Revitalite. Now, it is Monday, like I said, as we record this. And there is a lot of people out there who won their games, lost their games,

had a big weekend gambling, a bad weekend gambling. We had people celebrating with Glenny Balls, winning another 10K, spreading it around. We had some people spreading it around. That's a good thing to say about Glenny Balls, winning another 10K, spreading it around. We had some people spreading it around. That's a good thing to say about Glenny Balls. Fucking partying in clubs in Miami. Super spreader. Super spreader.

Just comes back to the office. Just been hanging out in the office all day. Mm-hmm. He was doing, he's getting his makeup done. He was in this poor girl's face, like right up, like touching nose to nose. Now, to be clear, I don't want to throw him under the bus. He did get it. I've been told he was tested.

He got a negative test. Yeah. But, oh, yeah. I mean, put it this way. It's a fucking miracle we haven't had an outbreak here at Barstool Sports. It's coming. It is 100% coming. Yeah, I heard the winter's going to be worse, so we'll find

out. I can't get COVID, bro. I can't get it. Why? It'll just be such a mess. I mean, I think I already got it. Kids and shit. We'll see. Yeah, but you're gonna get it again. Probably. Fuck.

What are you gonna do? It'll just be a whole thing. It'll be a thing. I gotta call people and tell them. Would you rather have an STD or COVID? Oh, STD. I mean, COVID. I was gonna say, that's a crazy quick answer and the wrong one. For sure. Yeah.

Because it's got to be like COVID. I like Rabel's answer when he's asked about who's the Titans. He's like, it's no one's fault. It's a fucking pandemic. Yeah. He's like, I don't know. Well, we just bashed Lenny Ball. Well, I mean, none of the Titans were going to.

But I go to bars. Yeah. You might be a super spreader, too. I go to bars. I follow all the protocols and stuff like that. I'm not going to bars and drinking out of the fucking bar mats. But I wear a mask when I go to the bathroom. I sit at my table with my friends. But I go out.

If we get COVID. If I could get it. If we get COVID, we're going to get cold take exposed for sure. Why? I think we're on the record a couple times being like, I'm not even afraid of it anymore. Oh, I've muddied those waters so hard. Yeah. You won't be able to find any.

I'll be like fucking Tucker Carlson. I got a clip for everything, baby. I do like that one. It's like, bam, got you here. Nope, I got you there. Oh, that's what you think I said? Well, I said the opposite six times, too, so suck my dick. I think I'd rather go STD right now because with the kids, it doesn't affect them at all, you know?

If I got COVID, I'd probably just tell the school, you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, daddy fucked it up again. Yeah. That's the last goddamn thing I need. First, daddy fucking ruined my lunch. Now, daddy ruined my school. Wait, why did I ruin lunch?

I don't know. I just figured you'd pack a bad lunch at two times sometimes. I think I would. Do you pack lunches? No, I don't have to do that. No. But I would pack a five. I would pack like too good of a lunch.

Oh, you'd be one of those moms who are making fucking charcuterie boards in their kids thing? No, but I would be like, here's like donuts and cookies. You know what I mean? Here's some yogurt. Don't get me wrong. They'd be diabetic by middle school. But boy, would those. It would be great.

But you'd be making trades on the fucking playground. Like, you know, none of. Oh, my God. Speaking of the playground. I had an incident at the playground. This fucking kid, man. We're at the playground. We've been going to this playground for six weeks.

When she goes to T-ball. And then afterwards, she goes on the monkey bars. And she learned how to do the monkey bars over the last six weeks. It was actually great. In the beginning, she couldn't do anything. anything by the end of it she could go across the whole fucking thing and she's flying she's like swinging momentum like a true monkey and so i was like it was a moment she was like proud of herself and she was doing it and then there's this boy who is like probably a couple years older than her this kid man he's like it was like she

grew up to be like larry david or something he first thing happens he goes down the slide he goes holy crap holy crap he's gotta be like six seven holy crap jesus christ that slide was fast and i was like what is going on he's like an adult trapped in his body and then he goes to me what's's your name? I'm like, hey, you little fucking punk ass bitch. Come here. Come here. Which one of these kids is yours? You got the fucking stones to go down that slide? I doubt it, old man. Fucking pussy. Establishing dominance.

No, he goes, what's your name? And I'm like, well, I'm hanging around these parts. I'm daddy. He's like, I'm Kevin. He's like, oh, hello, Kevin. And I guess I'll switch up his name a little bit here. He goes, I'm Evan Rick Ortega. And he's like, Rick is my dad's middle name. I was like, this motherfucker just dropped his full government name.

Like, weird behavior for, like I said, a 6-, 7-, 8-year-old. I don't know what, but, like, around that range. Evan Rick. I thought he was giving you options. You could call me Evan Rick Ortega. Your call. Choose your own adventure. Whatever you fucking want, bud.

Evan Rick Ortega. And then he shows Shea's flying, and this fucking kid can't do the monkey bars. He's like, he hangs from the first one. He just hangs there, and then he just drops. And he was like, she's really good at that. I can't do it. And he's, again again going crap crap eventually rolls over to me goes hey kevin how much does she weigh i'm like what the fuck is going on here and

i was like don't you you never ask a woman taga i can't believe i even entertained this so i'm but i'm sitting there i'm like um 34 pounds and he goes oh that's what it is. I'm 44 pounds. No wonder I can't do it. I weigh so much more than her. And I wanted to be like, shut the fuck up. That's not how this works. Proportionally speaking, you should be stronger. You should be able to do this.

No problem, kid. But he's running. It's the weights you fucking work around. I'm just sitting there. This kid, though, he's sitting there the whole time. It was like a 30-minute thing where he was just stewing that he couldn't do the monkey bars and then he came over and asked me how much my five-year-old daughter weighs to prove to himself that he's not a pussy and he stopped by the bar on the way home to drink it off his fat fucking grandma just sat on the

bench the whole time while he ran around screaming holy crap jesus christ it's like somebody put a tent on this fucking circus for ev Rick Ortega. Jesus. Me at the park is just fucking hate it, man. I play with my kids, you know, and then the other kids want to play with me. I play with them. Yeah, I like. Do you want to play hide and seek? I'm like, not with you, motherfucker. Or there'd be like, you know, Shay.

I'm like helping them and I'm picking them up and like and they're like, do me next. I'm like, I don't touch kids. Oh, man. You know, I do like, you know what? You hold their hands and they walk up you and then flip over. Yeah. First of all, I always said their arms are going to dislocate every time. So I'm like, I'm not touching you.

And two, like if I were to do that to you, your arms will dislocate. Could you imagine that? If I did that and some kids like, ah, you dislocated both of my arms. Run to your fucking parents. He did it to me. I don't touch other kids. Would you rather have your arms be cooked spaghetti or loose spaghetti? Lesson learned, bitch.

All right. Anyway, it is a, like I said, Monday. I don't even know how we got there either. But, you know, you might have COVID. You might need. Revitalite. Yeah, you might need to hydrate yourself. You might need. Revitalite. Yeah, you might need to hydrate yourself. You might need a drink that helps you bounce back and stay healthy.

And that's what Revitalite does. It can help you keep all your vitamins up and hydration up, whether you just need some health or whether, you know, you could just straight up be flat out hungover. It'll help you rehydrate, recover, and repeat. So you can hydrate responsibly. The plan is you drink it like half the bottle at night You go to bed, you drink half the bottle in the morning You fight that hangover And you stay hydrated

It's growing like crazy man You don't have to go in the baby aisle anymore You're not buying a baby drink This is a full blown adult drink now Go to drinkrevitalite.com Slash find They sell it in liquor stores too Which is so great, just cut to the chase man blown adult drink. Now go to drink revitalize.com slash fine. And liquor stores too.

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If you hydrate that one's for free, go to drink revitalize.com slash find, and you'll find where you can get revitalize today. So what I was saying is this is rare because we're both miserable today, sports-wise. But you're not really because you like Tom Brady. I went 2-1 yesterday, buddy. 2-1.

I mean, my Titans had a hell of a game. Derrick Henry, 95-yard run. A.J. Brown with that fucking toe tap, touching the end zone. Fucking overtime victory. Unbelievable. And then fucking Tom Brady took Aaron Rodgers out back and just fucking skinned his hide. So I had a nice day.

And then the Patriots game has an asterisk anyway. COVID. COVID. Cam Newton practiced one time in two weeks. That game should have been illegal to play. Two and one, you say, huh? Two and one, baby. You root for a tenth of the league.

Ten percent of the league belongs to you. That's insane, man. I mean, one of my coaches, Mike Rabel, pulled just a legendary move. I mean, some stuff that must have been out of Belichick's playbook because it's too smart. One of those rules that's going to get changed after the fact? No. So let's see.

Titans. No, not Titans. Texans were driving, right? 3-0-5 left in the game. Second and one. They're on like the 20 in the red zone. Vrabel sends out 12 men on the field. On purpose.

Takes the penalty. On purpose. Takes the penalty. Stops the clock. That saved 40 seconds of time. Wow. Titans tied it up with four seconds left. Wow.

Without those extra 40 seconds. Cooked. Cooked. They had no timeouts? They had three timeouts, but they just kept their three timeouts. Wow. See, that's ballsy to do. Because under two minutes, once under two minutes,

then it comes with a runoff and stuff like that. Oh, so he knew he had to get it in before. Get it in then. Wow. Smart fucking cookie. He is the before. Wow. Smart fucking cookie. He is the best. He's a smart cookie. It's one thing.

You're on such a level where you're getting penalized on purpose to benefit, and then you have a team like the Jets who just get penalties because they stink. I mean, I said it yesterday, Derek, because I was on the train home. I was up in Boston this weekend. And I was on the train home, and I was watching the – I was watching Red Zone on my phone. And I was at 4 o'clock slate, and they were just like, so – or it wasn't Hanson yesterday, I don't think.

Whoever it was was like, so what we're going to do now for the 4 o'clock is just bounce back and forth between Packers, Bucks, and Jets, Dolphins. And I was like, that is bouncing back and forth between a filet mignon and a bowl of dog poop. I have no interest in watching these games. I was forced to. They look. I couldn't believe that the fucking Adam Gase is 30 and 40 in his career.

That's like a borderline serviceable coach. No, he's terrible. I would have believed zero and 100. I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. It's crazy. He's so, so bad. That team, they will go 0-16, especially now if Darnold's not going to play, which I don't think, like, why would he come back anytime soon?

Just take your fucking time, dude. Why would the Jets stay with him? Because they want – no, no, no, no, with Gase. They want to take – I think at this point, it's like we should – I hope they're thinking, I don't want Adam Gase fired anymore because I don't want any sort of rally. Like, all right, we actually like this guy. Gase and Greg Williams are jawing at each other on the sideline.

I mean, it's a full-blown shit show. Getting fucking waxed 24-0. Getting shut out in the NFL is bananas. Bananas. It was the first shutout of the year. Week six? Yeah. You can't get a field goal.

Week six, week seven? What is it? Six. They're all in six, you can't get a field goal in the world. Week 6, week 7, what is it? 6. They're all in 6. I can't tell because everyone's got fucking... Yeah, weeks all over the place, yeah. But, I mean, this is the worst team I think I've ever seen. That I've really paid attention to. I can't remember, I didn't

watch the Jets like I did the Mets with my childhood, so I can't remember teams from my early days, but like, certainly since I've been covering Barcelona, this will be the worst team, which is saying a lot. There's a lot of bad teams. There's a couple 4-12 teams in there. There's a couple really bad teams. I think this team will

be no more than two wins. And I've roped poor Jackie into the fucking mix now. This poor bitch is like, this team, these guys fucking stink. That is just spreading misery. That should be like an OSHA violation. You should not be able to make your employees do anything Jets related.

They are so fucking bad. And I don't think that Trevor Lawrence will fix it. If you guys ruin Trevor Lawrence. I don't know really enough about him. I just hear that he's a Peyton Manning type. Maybe he's really that good. He should be able to turn it around. What if he fucking goes Eli with it?

I don't think he will. I think he might go Eli. Peyton, I don't think he'll stay in school. If he forces a trade, that's a different story. What Eli Manning did was so crazy. To just be like, I am not going to play for you. Fucking figure it out. And he just did it with that. I can't believe more players don't do that.

I know. Especially because it worked for him. It worked for both parties, really. Rivers went to San Diego. Rivers went to San Diego. I mean, yeah. He didn't win a championship, but he worked out pretty well. I guess that's probably why it worked out okay,

because it was just like no foul, you know? But, like, it's a shitty move, you know? But, like, he did it. And when Eli Manning's remembered, and same thing with John Elway. No one's remembering them for those moments. They're remembering them for their titles and their, like, illustrious careers. And, like, everybody loves him. And,. And by all accounts, Eli Manning's

a great guy. He was just like a prissy fucking diva to start his career. It's very similar to Kevin Durant chasing rings. It's very similar to just do what you gotta do to make sure you're right. Imagine if this was on the other foot and people were like, you're like, I'm gonna be a blogger. People are like, okay,

you're doing it in San Antonio. I'm like, oh, no, oh no i'm not no i'm not doing that yeah i'll do it in new york city thank you right there really is an argument to be made for like the draft being like an antiquated system where it's like everyone should be a free agent and the highest bidder and i get it it's it's like for the sake of of having markets all around the country and shit i think it's kind of impossible but i do understand the logic behind like why the fuck would you just mandate where somebody lives their life and it is still kind of a crapshoot where it's like you know there are plenty of top 10 picks top five picks so it's not like yeah free agency would be like oh well i mean the good teams aren't going to get the good players now or the bad teams are going to get good players

kind of rarely do anyway yeah right i mean the jets right that's the top pick every fucking year and it doesn't fucking work um but i don't know like the jets are so bad but whoever gets the number one pick is gonna be so bad in the nfl the bottom picks are usually the fucking bad franchises you know like theants would be the only argument where it's like maybe all of a sudden they'll just go back to being the Giants. Right now they're like the worst team in football over the last five years.

It's very rare. People are like, oh, you can't let Trevor Lawrence go there. I'm like, well, so what? He ends up in Jacksonville. You want that? You want him to end up in Detroit? You want him to end up if the Browns didn't have, you know, and Joe Burrow ends up in Cincinnati?

Like, This happens. You're great. That's how the draft works. But I mean the Jets they stink and right now they stink but I don't know. They're not that bad historically like within the context of really bad teams.

You know what they need? What? They need Tom Brady to move to New York. Everywhere Tom Brady goes, success follows. I did some investigative journalism. Oh, boy. I did it in my bed. Did you get the trench coat again? At 9 a.m. in my underpants.

Wow. Which is when I do my best internet surfing. I bet you do. Did you have your laptop on your chest? I did. Yeah. Typing that blog up, doing some research. Did you have your laptop on your chest? I did. Yeah. Typing that blog up, doing some research.

Did you have your dick in your hand? I did not. Later. No. That came first? First or before or after? No, I didn't do it either this morning. Wow. No morning masturbation today.

I feel like you would have done even better had you done it before. If you were doing that investigation with a clear mind. Probably. But let me tell you what I've discovered in my investigation. Tom Brady demands the attention of the sports world like a fucking Titanic cruise ship dragging our eyes and views into his wake. Where he goes,

domination and attention follow. It is inarguable at this point. This man is giving the Constitution right now. Let me take you back to August 3rd, 1977, San Mateo, California. Young man named Thomas Edward Patrick Brady was born in 1977. The next season after that football season, the San Francisco 49ers, the favorite football team of the Brady family, they decided it's time to go in a new direction at head coach.

They hire one Bill Walsh, inventor of the West Coast offense. His first draft, he drafts a young man named Joe Montana. Heard of him. The San Francisco 49ers go on to dominate. From 78 until 1994 was the last Super Bowl that dynasty won. You could argue it was the greatest dynasty in sports history at the time.

A long one. That was long. It was about 18 years. Or as long as someone lives before they go to college. Tom Brady in 1995 moves to Michigan. Wow. That number is pretty fucking shockingly spot on. In 1995, Tom Brady moves to Michigan.

They win the fucking Rose Bowl that year. 1996, 97, the Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup. 1997, 98, the Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup. 2000, Tom Brady is drafted to the England Patriots. But while he's still living in Michigan, the 2000 season starts in the NHL, and the Red Wings win the 2001 Stanley Cup. Jesus Christ. Tom Brady then moves to Boston, Massachusetts.

And by the way, while he was in Detroit, it was the Red Wings and the Avalanche were like the sports story of that quarter to half decade. It was every year Osgood and Waugh just fucking killing each other. That's the best. 2000, Tom Brady moves to Boston, Massachusetts, where he, for the next two decades, oversees the greatest era of sports dominance ever witnessed by human eyes. He sees six Super Bowl championships. He sees the curse, the curse of the Bambino

since 1918. He sees that broken in his first four years. He sees the Boston Bruins win their first Stanley Cup since the 70s. He sees the Boston Celtics invent super cheat teams and change the landscape of basketball forever in their quest for Larry O'Brien trophy. In 2020, Tom Brady packs up and he heads south to Tampa, Florida. In Tampa Bay, he immediately delivers a Stanley Cup championship to the Tampa Bay Lightning, a team who has historically fallen very short and just not gotten the job done. Next, the Tampa Bay Rays make the World Series against all odds kevin a team with a 23 million dollar payroll that is 24 million dollars is what the dodgers are paying in bonuses this year and they'll be playing the tampa bay rays of the world series if we want to get crazy with it wait that's

not a real stat is it yes 23 24.8 whatever the The Dodgers bonuses are higher than the raised salary. The entire team? Yes. No. Cannot. Let's double check. Let me finish real quick and then we'll double check. Yes.

If we want to get super crazy with it, I'm going to add these two things in. I left them out because it makes my argument a little crazy. But first of all, the Miami Heat, the closest team to Tampa Bay, go on an improbable championship run. And in the 80s and early 90s is when Silicon Valley really started going. You know, the iPhone. I mean, that's when San Francisco became San Francisco. When Tom Brady was out there throwing passes in the backyard and running fucking cross routes. Not cross routes.

Whatever he set up in his garage with the fucking cones where he'd just work on his footwork. That is undeniable. It is. It's hard to deny. It is. It's hard. It's hard to argue against. The man just exudes goat energy.

It's crazy. And you could have kept him in New England, Joe. Could have, for sure. 28.7 is the race payroll. The whole thing? Yeah. So then the Dodgers are like 29, whatever. Like a 40-man roster?

Yeah. And I'll tell you what, I don't think it's the lowest payroll. That's not like they're starting. Come on. Are you sure? 2020 opening day MLB payrolls. 28.735. I mean, the Yankees are like 220. Yeah. The Yankees are like 220.

Yeah. But also, the Rays aren't the lowest. What? Marlins, Pittsburgh, and Orioles are low. But does this mean like opening day, like the players on the field? Not like the 40-man? Like this is like... I don't know about 40-man. I can't imagine 40-man sends it much higher.

You're bringing up guys from AAA. Thomas Brady. I don't know about 40. I can't imagine 40 man sends it much higher. You're bringing up guys from triple a, um, Thomas Brady is, uh, a warlock. He, I mean, he's a witch.

Yeah. If this was black magic, if this was an ancient, ancient Salem, we'd burn them. Yeah, we should. Why should Tom?

No, I disagree. Okay, here it is. Sorry. I'm going to, I'm going to report one more time. The Dodgers nearly paid more money in signing bonuses this season than the Why should he? Set Tom Brady on fire. No, I disagree. Okay, here it is. Sorry. I'm going to do it one more time.

The Dodgers nearly paid more money in signing bonuses this season than the entire raised team payroll. Dodgers bonuses, 25.3. Raised entire payroll, 28.2. Christ on the cross. But, yeah, I think cities, and I'm so stupid for giving this idea out right now, but cities, in preparation for when Tom Brady retires, should be preparing Olympic bid type fucking package. Like, come live here.

He's a free agency for just life. Like, tax-free? For sure. Stadiums and fucking monuments in your honor? Absolutely. Whatever the fuck you want, Tom, come home to Boston, please. Make our city thrive again.

Need it. Gotta have it. Bruins doing fucking nothing. Red Sox stink. Fucking Celtics are, come home to Boston, please. We'll make our city thrive again. Need it. Need it. Gotta have it. Bruins doing fucking nothing. Red Sox stink. Fucking Celtics are, I don't know, they got the young core, but people are still calling up being like, Brad Stevens should lose his time. Tom Brady, no. I mean, like, think about how bad Tennessee missed out, you know? I know. Think about how bad his son missed out

when Tom Brady ditched him. Ran away from him. Ben, when he ran away from his kid, you know? That kid could have been a fucking genius, but Tom ditched him. Remember when Tom Brady's emails were hacked? And what they found were a man who didn't like white pool covers and a man whose email exchanges... Trying to make up for the fact that he ditched his son when he was born.

Email exchanges with his ex-lover were so incredible, it caused parenting websites to write articles about how they have the perfect co-parenting relationship. Well, sure, now. Now. Pretty good. But not back then. Pretty good.

Not back then. Hey, moms and dads, you want to see how to handle the co-parenting situation let's look to Tom and Bridget Tom and Bridget fuck you let's go do a little

top fives today we got top five biggest fears top five biggest fears that's it right not irrational it can be anything it can be phobias Top five biggest fears. Top five biggest fears. That's it, right? Top five biggest fears. Not irrational. It can be anything. It can be irrational fears. It can be phobias.

It can just be scary movies. It could be whatever. Just fear. Brought to you by Solo Stove. Whether you're camping in the woods or just getting together in the backyard, whether you want to roast some marshmallows or just build a fire to keep warm, whether you are just looking to kick back in the summertime and have a crackling fire to look at or whether it's a wintertime

and you need it, a roaring fire makes the moment. Roaring fire takes just like it creates a moment. It creates a scene. Let me tell you what it creates. A memory. A memory. Like young Tim Riggins sitting in a fucking lawn chair, handing a beer to Jason Street and saying,

hey, man, let's make some memories tonight while he's sitting by the fire. And you hear that crackling noise. Every now and then a pop that makes you go, oh, shit. Whoa. I thought it was going to explode. Makes you know you're too comfortable around here. Yeah. Like a fire, it relaxes you, but keeps you on your toes. I mean, how about this?

I thought you were pretty dramatic. The copy here says, fireside moments ground you in what it means to be human. Whoa. Hey, buddy. Think about it. I don't disagree. Fire is like, you know, when man discovered fire, that changed the whole goddamn world. So fire, it can be, it's useful.

Would you stop playing with that? I feel like you keep hurting yourself. Are you flicking your fingernails? Is that what's going on? No. Because, yeah, it hurts. Right on the knuckle. Yeah. Next tell. That didn't make you pop at all? I mean, listen, I'm a seasoned veteran when it comes to this shit, bro. You can do this all you want to me. You can do this all you want to me.

Really? I used to. I was born in this. I was molded by it. Next tell antennas would hit with the force of a thousand hammers. I mean, my knuckles would be bleeding from that shit. So solo stove. Anyway, fire.

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Go to SoloStove.com and use the promo code KFC at checkout. Get $10 off. That's SoloStove.com. Promo code KFC for $10 off. Can I go first? Sure. Because it ties into SoloStove. Burning alive.

My number one pick. Burning alive. It doesn't get much worse than that. Burning alive? Burning alive is My number one pick. Burning alive. Doesn't get much worse than that. Burning alive? Burning alive's not so bad. Burning alive just gets a bad rep, got bad marketing, got bad PR. It's actually the same as drowning. No, that's not true.

That's not true. We're drowning where it's blissful almost. You just roll back and you go to sleep. It burns so fast. No, no, no. It burns off your nerve endings so fast it gets it gets but no it burns off your nerve endings so fast that you kind of just end up sitting there on fire okay well two things getting to that point where it's awful yeah i was gonna say getting to that

point where your nerve endings are gone usually i've seen i've seen movies where it's like and you're running around because you're on fire and And then, let's say, my nerve endings are gone. I'm still sitting there going, well, I'm about to die, engulfed in flames. Yeah. And I'm looking through the fire at the people who are like, and I'm the one burning alive. That would be funny. And I guess seeing the – Yeah, this is chaotic.

But I guess it also depends on how you – You're like looking at people, just like looking at children around crying, like I'm leaving lasting memories. You're not going to forget this. You're going to remember this face as mangled and melted as it is. Remember this face. But I also think it matters if you're like...

People, when they die, they're worried about like their legacies, like who will remember me. Every single person here will remember me. Closed casket, but you'll remember the death they'll try and forget this they'll spend hours and hours and hundreds of dollars in therapy and they will never forget

this face it also depends on like if you're burned at the stake where it like slowly kind of like creeps up you that's my specific one like the witches of Salem what we should do to Tom Brady you're on like a pyre and it's like your feet start to burn and then you just start to like melt and all that

kind of shit that is that's you know uh also just a quick little aside do you believe in spontaneous combustion no neither do i there are like reports of like um you know like the the way that we found the body like there's just no explanation right i'm like i don't know they're probably smoking a cigarette or something then you didn't think hard enough you know people don't just catch on fire that's but like there are people who believe that no there's like there are cases of it around the world is this like a joe rogan thing no i mean maybe i'm sure tom i'm sure i'm sure where'd you hear this i was just thinking about burning you just i was just yeah this thinking about burning. That was just –

Yeah. I thought this was like something on your mind. No, no, no, no. I just – I mean I've long – like it has been on my brain for a long time because it's like there are some people out there who believe it. And I'm just like that is not scientifically real. I don't know the science, but from where I'm from, I did biology in high school and we didn't get to that, so I just don't think it's real.

Yeah. I feel like you have to be like... Same reason I don't think herpes is real. We didn't get to it. Your pick. Herpes! I'm afraid of herpes! oh boy oh now you got me thinking all right i'll go one i'll go one we'll do real wait what do you mean i got you thinking we're

doing the top five we weren't thinking about it until then well i was but you just gave me an idea i hadn't thought oh okay um we'll go well one we'll stick with for like for real for reals uh the dark terrified of dark i mean it's not a crazy unique answer i think no i think it kind of goes actually i'm still an adult who i i fucking reach into rooms and put the light on before i go in there i won't hang out in a dark room i'm not like scared of the night but i'm scared of the dark i'm totally totally with you, bro. Okay. Absolutely. I mean, I will always scurry up the stairs real fast. In the basement? Like, when I had to fucking...

My old house, like, the basement lights were controlled in, like, the front half of the house but you still, when you were going upstairs, had to go through the back. So it was like a whole back basement you had to get through in the dark and it was also very cluttered so it was scary so you had to kind of tiptoe through yeah have your hands out and stuff like that you

couldn't really run up right and it was like i would leave the door open on purpose so you could get that light you see the light at the end of the tunnel yeah but then when we were fucking kids we'd fuck with each other we just shut it when they went down and it was and you'd quietly shut it so they were in the front of the house like rotating the laundry or whatever chores we had, you'd quietly shut it so when they didn't even know, they thought they had that salvation waiting for them at the end. But then you just, God! Yeah, when you get in the other room, you're like,

Extinguish yourself! All the lights are off down here! It's not a pitch! And there's a crawl space that we've never been in because it's so fucking scary. Dark is way up there on the list. I'm going to go with something developing in my later life is a little bit of claustrophobia but i'm not talking like i can't go in an mri machine i'm talking about some sick shit when i was like a little kid i read a story about this this this uh i think a woman was kidnapped by a couple and they kept her in between the mattress and the box spring like

she had they had like a hollow box spring imagine that and like that's where she lived she like laid out like a starfish and then like the mattress was like right on top of it and they would like only let her out like you know to like feed her and do terrible shit to her and like you go back to the fucking bed and that has been in my brain since I was like eight years old. Right. Yeah. Fucked me. Now it's in my brain forever.

Yeah. And so now, and, and, and it never really, uh, like affected me. I think I, I, have you noticed, like, I mean, my grandma was this way and I'm seeing it with my mom. Like as they get older, they're just afraid of like everything. And I think that I'm like, I hope I'm never like them because they're crazy people. But I am getting more afraid of things as I get older. Oh, I'm definitely.

I mean, even just little changes. I think I'm scared to jump over those cliffs I used to always jump off. Yeah, you better be. You should be. I think I'm scared of those now. Yeah, definitely don't do that anymore. You're crazy. I'm not sure.

We'll find out. No, see, that's the thing. When you do those things, if you're not fully certain, that's when you're going to, like, half jump and then not make it all the way. You know? So I can't think of exactly what. But also, like, I'm not scared of. I get what you're saying there, and that situation does sound horrible, but I just will never find myself in that situation.

Yeah, but I'm trying to think. There's been things recently where. Fully grown adult men who get kidnapped. Yeah, that's true. You're safe. You're good. I'm trying to think of something recently, though. Like, there was something where I was thinking.

I remember thinking, like, ooh, if this were to happen, I would be stuck here. And that would bug me out. And it's more like hypothetical situations. But I find myself thinking, like, if I were to have gotten trapped in that closet, what would I have done? Something like that. I didn't have my phone on me or whatever. And I was, like, in a room. And I was, like, in, like, a closet or reach.

You know, I was just like, oh, my God. What if i was trapped in there what the fuck would i do and i just start like thinking of all the worst things this spiral real good huh big time big time spiral right out of control um number two uh this is what you got me thinking on i'm gonna stick with it pregnancy scares you that oh goodness gracious getting someone pregnant well i guess or me yeah that's a real fear. Yeah. That would be disastrous. But like I'm saying you're afraid of getting your girl pregnant when like not planning

it or like just like her being pregnant or like just the whole thing. The whole shebang. Like not what I'm saying. Not fatherhood. Like pregnancy. Pregnancy. Yeah. Because fatherhood follows.

It's coming up next. That also is not. The worst part about pregnancy is at the end of it is fatherhood. Yeah, I have real fears about getting someone pregnant. Yeah, that's a good one. I have. You should be. No interest in that.

That should be. And the older I get. Actually, that's mine as well. The older I get, I actually am more. Because sometimes you're like, well, maybe I'm just young and I'm not. And I'm still – I still am young-ish. You really don't think you're going to have kids? You keep saying you don't want to have kids. And the older I – I'm like – granted, I've been saying it for like two years, so I went from 30 to 32.

But like, yeah, even at 32 now, I'm like – I have no itch, no inkling. But I never had like an urge to do it. I think what the difference is for you is that you don't, you're not going by like the path. I'm just exceptionally selfish. I just, I like my life. Yeah. I'm good.

I don't, I don't have like a desire to rear a child or like teach them. Again, maybe at some point in my life, I'm not going to be a secretary right now, but the, I cannot imagine like, I'm going to go home and, like, cook some dinner, drink some wine, and chill on the couch. Yeah, I know what you mean. I never had – I think the problem with me was I never had enough, like, self-confidence to be like, this is the life that I want to have and lead, and so I'm going to take all the steps to do that.

It was more just like, how is this supposed to go? Like, how is the life supposed to go? I'm supposed to get this old, find someone, marry them, have steps to do that it was more just like how how's it supposed to go like how's the life supposed to go i'm supposed to get this old find someone marry them have kids do that and then like i got this job and like probably should have been like oh this opens up a lot of doors that i didn't think were ever going to be open so let me think about like which doors i want to walk through rather than being like this is the door you're supposed to walk through at the time you're supposed to walk through it and i never had like the the uh i guess like self-confidence or i guess enough selfishness to be like well hang on i want to do some things like this way everyone in the world should be exceptionally selfish yeah like i think for the most part you're lucky they are don't don't get me wrong like yes you'll help your fellow man and

all that shit but like it's your fucking life man do what you want to do yeah i've never understood that and i don't i didn't probably because i didn't grow up in one of those families but like It's your fucking life, man. Do what you want to do. I've never understood that. And it's probably because I didn't grow up in one of those families. But when you see families on TV or even families of friends and stuff like that, where it's like, oh, when are you going to get a grandkid? When are you going to get married? No one's ever asked me that once. Because they're like, do whatever the fuck you want, man.

It's never been. I never had a grandma. So when are you going to get married? It's just been like, yeah, cool. That's what you like to do yeah if you get me grandkids cool if you don't whatever no big deal like like my parents have never even they considered discussing that because they know i'd be like because first of all they don't give a shit and they know i'd be like yeah like i'm gonna do if i want to do it when i want to do it it's an interesting way man my parents never like pressured me either but i guess i guess it's like the the the world

did in a way yeah you know it was just like yeah we you know i guess my friend i my friend group was just all very my friends and family were all just very traditional so it's just like this is how it goes and they weren't like forcing it but i was just like you do what you see you know maybe you live how you see other people live i was like okay this is what you do you know yeah i think we i're not happy like i love my kids and shit but i'm like it was it was more i never thought to myself like i want to be a father okay and i never thought to myself like i don't want to do this i was just like i don't know what you did you know i think my family's both families that like are you know my mother and father are both traditional but also have like they all did their own thing like everyone like

uncles who are like yeah no I'm like not going into business I'm going to go fucking travel the world for a few years. It's like yeah do whatever the fuck you want to do. As long as you can do it yourself fucking do it. I'm not going to give you anything. Parents aren't going to cut me a check to go do it but if you can do it go fucking do it. I did behind the blog with Pat.

Hard Factor Pat. He was a sophomore in high school. He dropped out of school to start a business. Yeah. That is just not, was not, I don't think I had that kind of freedom at that age. No, I definitely didn't have the freedom from my parents,

but I also just, I didn't have the desire to do that. I was not thinking that way at all. It just like, I was very cookie cutter, like white suburban, like that, that,

that, that, that, that, that, and then, and then, and it was just like,

I mean, it worked out pretty well. But I never had, I just don't think about it. I just like lived. Just like woke up and go. I never was like, here's my plan to become a father. Or my plan to not become a father. Well, that's how I just wake up and go, too. And I want to just continue waking up and going.

I wake up when I want to wake up. And I do what I want to do, save for some podcasting interviews and blogging uh my pick right yes uh loneliness loneliness loneliness an old age thing that's another thing that's getting creeping in my old age really being alone uh boy mine's gonna look like a real real asshole answer following that one being around people no no no no i uh i i learned that i mean when the sun goes down and i am alone oh i'm just like let me go to sleep right fucking now i i see that's oh that's when i wake up yeah i'm alive no that's when i'm done what i learned was like when I have indefinite freedom, that's what fucked me up. Oh, you're red.

When I – yeah, like when I – yes, kind of. When I – it was – well, in a way, like when I was still married and I had the kids all the time, when I would get freedom and I was alone, I was like, yes. Because I know that like I only have it until 6 o'clock and then they get home. Right. Or I have it until Monday. I have the the weekend off and then I'm back on the clock. So let me soak this in when it's like I don't have my kids for a few days and it's just like nothing. I'm like, oh, I should be there. I should be. I should.

I should. I should. And I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. And the wheels start fucking spinning. And I'm just like, please make me go unconscious now. Please just turn me off for the night. And then in the morning, the sun comes out and I'm

just like, okay, back to work. Whatever. All good. But when the moon comes out, I'm like, what's that? Whatever that kid Cuddy line is. I'm like, yeah, the night time for me is really day man over here. Night man cometh. No, thank you. Day man champion of the sun.

Okay. Number three for me is undercooked chicken. It's a good one. That is a great one. I just like bare my soul and he's like

salmonella motherfucker particularly I've gotten a significant amount of undercooked of uh food poisoning from delis in New York

and it's always and like I can and you keep going back it's almost like I've evolved cause like I can tell as soon as I bite I finish a sandwich but I'm like

I'm like nah this trick is not that good it good dose of you can tell you with chicken in particular and then i'll like hold up to light i'd be like it is a little pink in there there's some undercooked chicken is uh is a scary one for me yeah that's tough that's tough um um fourth pick Bloody Mary oh I'm just not going to do that it's just like what if I'm not going to go in the bathroom with the

ketchup on my finger and the steam running and I'm not going to say her name three times I feel like everyone's got the variations I feel like you're looking in the mirror don't do that just yeah the lights off you'll be looking just saying don't tempt fate i i only did it once ever and i sprinted out of the bathroom i was in second grade i think and i ran out of the bathroom right after it's just one of those things that's like but what if yeah it's probably not real probably not but you could be and if it is then

you are fucked my man so uh just don just no need to tempt fate on that one. Never will be saying, buddy, Mary, or even like Ouija boards and shit like that. Like, oh, I don't know if this counts. Like, I mean, it's a different thing. I don't want to go to psychics because it's like, what if? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude, I had I've told this before.

I'm sure. But my mom thought one fun thing to have at my high school graduation party would be psychics. So we had like three psychics. I think she's just a twisted woman and was like, you know, it would be a real funny way to fuck with a bunch of drunk 17 and 18 year olds telling them their future. So imagine that. Like, where'd you get into school, kid? You know, it's like, well, this psychic says, like, you're not going to graduate. You're not going to get a job. You've heard of into school, kid? It's like, well, this psychic says you're not going to graduate there. You're not going to get a job.

You've heard of Columbine, right? Yeah, that's coming for Wichita State. But out of everyone at the party, my entire class came, their families, everything like that. And out of everyone at the party, the only two people who didn't go to a psychic were me and my dad. Yep. Not interested. Nah, don't need that at all. Don out of everyone at the party, the only two people who didn't go to a psychic were me and my dad. Yep. Not interested. Nah, don't need that at all. Don't need that at all.

My number four, garbage disposals. Terrifying. I feel like I honestly got a much better reception than I thought I was going to get because I thought I was kind of starting to dip my toe into Charlie Kelly territory, where it's just like people's knees. But garbage disposals disposal every single day if i were designing my house the switch to flip on the garbage disposal would be on the other side of the kitchen i am always so sure that a knife was in down there it's gonna come fucking flying out far too destructive of a device to have at your fingertips. Like, that is an industrial strength thing

that, like, only a factory worker should be operating. You need a license to use a fucking garbage disposal in my book. That thing is... My last pick here. Oh, man. What am I afraid of? I guess, I don't know the word for this, but I used to feel this way. I used to wake up and be like, what if the internet is just not,

like what if there's just nothing to talk about today? Like what if there's just no blogs on the internet? And what do I do for work, right? And then I always learned, like, the internet is always going to, like, provide you with material. But now that's morphed into, like, what if they just stop listening to this?

So how would you, like, sum that up? Like, in that, like... Rejection. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, in that, like rejection. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Started when I was like 15 with fucking girls and it's gone through the internet with our, with our work and shit. Yeah. I can't believe that was my number one. For sure. Reject. Yeah. Rejection.

I think, who is it? Oh, my girlfriend's mom was saying the other day where she was reading an article about, like, how hard it is for men because, like, they're so, and they're like. Don't say it like that. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is.

Don't cry for me. Don't cry for me. She was like, she's like, yeah, like, how hard it is for men to, like, ask a woman for a drink or ask a woman to go out to dinner or ask a woman for a dance because they're so scared of rejection. Oh, that. And I was like, I've never done any of those things because my fear of rejection.

I've never grown up to be like, do you want to dance with me? I don't know if I've ever bought a girl a drink. You don't even get to the point where you get rejected. Maybe I've been talking to a girl and been like, oh, you want to grab something? I'll get you something. But I've never been like, excuse me, miss, can I get you a drink?

I've never done that. We've extensively discussed, I've never been on a first date. I've never asked a girl out to dinner it's because of fear of rejection yeah but like things are pretty good for me so like don't you know i'm not looking for sympathy and pity but well that just goes to show how easy it is for white guys where it's like i don't even need to do all that stuff and it's still still found a girlfriend still found a job still found out you know what i mean uh but i i was speaking not even for myself personally so much but just as like men and white men in general like we have some shortcomings or misgivings about life but all in all pretty good i'm not looking to trade with anybody else because i'm scared to ask but the problem is for guys is that the the

things that are tough for us or whatever just don't get the time of day like even at all, which again is fine. I keep throwing up this disclaimer, but it's like, no, there are some things that make it really fucking hard that like just nobody will give any respect to or pay any attention to. It's like, okay, we'll just sit over here and rot emotionally. Okay, if that's the price we got to pay for everything else being good, fine. But just know that's what's happening yeah so i think it's like a dose of rejection mixed up with like a fear of uh not pleasing other people or whatever yeah that's i mean that's a good fear right it's a good fear it is your fears are better than mine my well my fear it's like i find myself worrying about like people i shouldn't or things that I shouldn't.

You know what I mean? It's kind of like we talk about never sending food back. It's like, why am I all of a sudden so worried about what this waiter thinks or feels? Some person's like, fucking cares. But I'm like, I have to cater to this person completely and entirely. I mean, I did it at lunch today. I got chicken marsala. I forgot that chicken marsala has mushrooms in it.

I hate mushrooms. And as I was watching him put the chicken marsala and mushrooms on my bed of rice, I was just like. You didn't say anything. I was just like, well, I guess I need mushrooms today. But not out of, like, because you didn't want to, like, upset him or fuck with him at all, right? Yeah. Maybe one thing, it was like, oh, man, I'm so stupid. I don't want to embarrass myself.

But I'm like, this perfect stranger who does not care one way or the other. I am afraid of making him be like upset or feel bad or whatever. And it's like there's like in everyone's day, there's always a star. And the goal is to never be that. Be the star. Yeah. Never be that focus. Never be the person who like they go when people go, babe, how was your day?

This fucking guy at the restaurant today sent his food back! Yeah. And I'll take that to the fucking extreme, where it's like, you weren't gonna be the star for saying that, dude. Right. Alright, what do I expect? Um, it's a kind of a combo. Plugging

things in. Um, like, when you get that blue light yeah fuck yeah or or just maybe we're gonna go with electricity i'm afraid of electricity electricity because like like really the bigger one is and it comes during winter months i noticed more shocked yeah and like i don't know what it is about winter but like this gym i used to work out at only in the winter was like when i'd pick up and it was always it was every time i touched the weight so i had to really dedicate to this workout like every way every new weight i touch is like oh you motherfucking ass and then my old apartment i moved out of i don't know how it's gonna work in the new one but like

whenever i walked out i knew every day to start my day touching the doorknob to get out of that out of the building was going to shock me. So I'd walk up and slap it first, trying to get that. There's no way to get through it. You gotta just do it. So I don't know if shocks are technically electricity, but

I think electricity is going to look ridiculous on the list. Electrical shock. Electrocution. That sounds more badass. I got just several other honorable mentions. When I crack my neck, I'm always convinced like, that's the one I'm paralyzed.

And I'm just dead. Slush puddles in New York City that look exactly like the street. And you step through them and you're just gonna be completely soaking fucking wet. You know what I'm talking about? Also getting my foot run over, jaywalking. I'm getting really fucking close to that.

And that's about it. The paralysis is way up there on the list, though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to paralyze myself eventually. That's a coming, boys. And that'll almost be like spontaneous combustion. I'll just be like if you ever find me just paralyzed with no force entry no nothing like he was cracking his neck yeah it's not quite bursting into flames but he just did to himself no i'm gonna tell everyone

i ghosted it thank you very much oh yeah you know what do that do that for sure oh don't don't you worry yeah i'll spin that fucking death real nice voicemails are brought to you by thursday no voicemails are brought to you by healist No, voicemails are brought to you by Healist. Modern life has made it a constant state of stress and anxiety and exhaustion. Just look at our list of fucking 10 things. Everything from loneliness to goddamn pink chicken, okay? All of these things make your body,

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hey kfc fights happy thanksgiving calling from canada i've got a question for you guys i'm 26 years old i used to work at a school as an educational assistant for six years. Made a lot of friends there, lots of co-workers. Anyway, I came home for the weekend and I fucked my old co-worker who is 30 years older than me. So about 56, 57. Didn't think anything of it. Had a couple drinks, whatnot. Anyway, fast forward to this morning, he sends me a message, and he has made me up a bunch of lesson plans and unit plans and gotten me a bunch of resources for when I'm a teacher because I'm in university right now to become a teacher.

So I want to know your opinion on this. I feel like this is kind of like prostitution. Getting paid in a different way. What do you think? Should I keep fucking this guy so I have to do less work in the future? What do I do? Let me know. Thanks.

Yes. I don't understand. Neither do I, but it sounds like she's fucking this guy and she's getting a bunch of good stuff out of it. She's making lesson plans? Lesson plans and unit plans. A unit plan is like it could be anywhere from like two to four weeks of a subject that you're going to cover and you have to turn them in

like to your principal and shit like that and like... Why do you know all of this? Because I originally wanted to be a teacher. This sounds like a man as a teacher. Boy, did you not end up a teacher. No, not at all. I don't know. I was going to say, did you dodge a bullet or whatever? I don't know.

Maybe you wanted to do that, but you're decidedly not a teacher. Nope. I mean, I think that prostitution is fire. And if you can do it in such a way where you're not actually being called a prostitute. But also, but well, here's the deal. I guess obviously that's, that's tedious and sounds like a pain in the dick and something I don't have

any interest in doing, but she still has to learn it. Right. So like you have to learn enough to teach it still. I don't know about that. This is more the organizing of like, you have to present what you're going to teach to the class to your higher ups.

Yeah. And now Sherry has ones that have probably been approved. And yeah. Can you get caught with that kind of shit? This isn't even about the question anymore. This is really about these fucking things. Can you get like caught plagiarizing those kind of things? No, no, I don't think it matters. It's just like, this is how I'm going to teach the students.

And these are the goals we're setting for them to learn. You're getting too in the weeds here. Yeah, no, I'm lost. Yeah. Yeah. Just imagine. I don't know which way is up Just imagine, whatever it is she does is now greatly easier

because she fucks an old guy. All right. I keep fucking, I mean, look, man, you have a good dick game? That's really what it comes down to. Not even.

No? I mean, I wouldn't fuck someone for a lesson plan if it's a catastrophe. Yeah. But if it's just like normal, average sex

and you, and it But if it's just like normal, average sex, and it sounds like she's like, this makes her life decidedly easier, whether or not you agree with that, like for her it feels like it's easy, I think, I mean, I just think we put too much on sex. It's like, so just, like, just throw out all the norms of the world

for a second. And it's like, fuck, I gotta do this thing at work that drives me crazy. It's like, or this guy can just like

stick a part of his body in my body for a little bit and then when it's over I don't have to do that thing anymore. That's it. That's a pretty

clean cut and dry way to do it. Right, we put like this emotional and respect thing onto sex and it's like if i told you that it was like another physical act you know i mean i guess like a massage it almost is almost

more work but it was like i don't know and that's almost like you wouldn't want to do that either awful i wouldn't do that yeah i probably i would probably fuck before i do the massage but you know what i mean if i could if you could be you know, you gotta like, fucking play ping pong with him for a little bit. You know, and that makes him happy and then you don't have to do work.

It's like, just let him put it in and maybe, maybe it is good and get something out of it. Yeah, I think it's a no brainer. I think fucking a teacher

is always a little weird. But, you know, like, I think at no matter what age, I feel like a teacher fucking a prior student

is a pedophile. Yeah, you're right. It doesn't matter. It's a power dynamic. It's not an age thing. It's just, it's like Yeah, she's 26. She's an adult woman

making her own conscious choices. Yeah. It still feels like he's being taken advantage of. Even if they're like Despite the fact that he's the one providing his service.

and moved on and everything it's like you once taught that person you fucking him you pedophile. Yeah, 100%. I think that's like we'll bring in the G word, a little grooming.

And it doesn't sound like, it sounds like they just bummed into each other's bar. It's not like a teacher I always hung out with and whatever. Right, preying upon you. But it is bizarre for an adult to fuck another adult if you taught them the multiplication tables. And for you, that would be nobody because nobody taught you the multiplication tables. And for you, that would be nobody.

Because nobody taught you the multiplication tables. I'm going to have sex with everybody. John, can you do that? It's like anything. If you taught someone something ever in their life. You can't fuck them. You can't fuck them. That should be cut and dry.

If you were. They could get rid of the 18-year-old age. It doesn't matter. You ever taught that person something? Well, no, you still can't fuck kids. Let's definitely keep the 18 thing in there. That one got away from me. That's not what I was trying to say at all.

I'm happy you pulled the plug on that one. Pull the ripcord. Nope, 18 stays. It's not 18 anywhere. It should be 18. It's not 18 anywhere. It should be like 20. Yeah. But the... 18 anywhere it should be like 20 but the

it should be 20 to fucking 28 to drive it should be a sliding scale a little bit you should be able to fuck before you can drive your parents should have to drop you off at your earlier sex conquest like 30 years old I mean I definitely know girls who are

well equipped and skilled at fucking who i do not trust behind the wheel not even a little bit you know it's like you know how to work a pussy you do not know how to work a fucking car you're not how to work a 15 000 pound piece of machinery driving is the most given away privilege we have in this absolutely this country at least i don at least. That and garbage. If you were a chick who had like nothing, you didn't have any family to worry about. Let's say you're a loner. Wouldn't you just be a hooker?

Or like a cam girl or something? By the by, I figured something out recently. Have you noticed how every fucking porn video where girls are squirting, There's that pink vibrator that's just hanging out of their pussy No I haven't actually What the fuck John now you're making me look like an asshole here I thought I could bank on you for that I haven't watched much squirting You know what I think I got a lot of the squirting out of the system

When I was like in my mid 20's probably You went through a phase and then you're done with it I don't avoid it I'm not like ew gross but i i don't well i'm not seeking it out you won't see me hit squirt in the search bar very often there's there's this pink vibrator and it's all this all comes around to make sense to her it like it's hands-free sort of thing and it's kind of like soft it's kind of just like dangling out of these chicks and i i was talking to her the other day and i was just like what is this thing that I see like all these girls have?

And she told me it's a cam girl thing because you can hook it up so whenever you get tips, it like zaps you. It vibrates. Oh, and then you're getting off on the fucking money again. And also these creeps are like,

I'll tip you, I'll tip you, I'll tip you because you're getting... So it's just scamming these dudes for money. Not scamming them. It's just like, you know. I want to be the one in the jackpot. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Best of luck. No whammies, no whammies, no whammies. Pow! But so I was thinking about cam girls, and that was pretty cool. Yeah, I know. And then we stumbled upon this list of OnlyFans this weekend. This blows my mind more than the baseball payrolls that we were talking about. This is the top list of OnlyFans earners.

And I am telling you right now, if you are hard-pressed for money, if you are really miserable at your job, don't listen to this this segment will enrage you and if you're on the verge of doing only fans go ahead and listen to this because this subject will for sure put you over the edge now again i i question this list is so far-fetched i think that it might not be correct but i'll go from uh let's go from top seven down because i do want to mention number seven is pia mia she's a singer who has that one song um it's a remake of a really dope song with uh it brings a bell uh with chris brown um it was nice to nice to know you oh yeah yeah okay okay so that's her i mean she's pretty hot

yeah and i think she just said all right i got that one hit and i'm just gonna now go be an only fans girl so she's top seven in the world right now uh she makes one million dollars 1.7 million dollars a month she's pia Mia folks but Pia Mia she's got an international hit sure okay see that is one thing I do want to warn I suppose with these that like

these are superstars already Pia Mia I don't know about the rest yes I said Pia Mia you said who's that I said Pia Mia the rest yes she has and you're right she has 6 million Instagram followers. So that is like a lot. Let me, I'll cut to the top five. Mia Khalifa, number five.

$4.9 million per month. But you know, like porn star, I have my gripes with her. I don't like that. I have all the gripes with her. Number four on OnlyFans. An industry that you would think would be dominated by women and hot ones like that. I have all the gripes with her. Number four on OnlyFans, an industry that you would think would be dominated by women and hot ones at that. Number four in the world, Tyga.

I said to John, Nick, I said to John, how much money do you think Tyga makes per month? And he said 75. And I said, higher, Bob. And he said 150. And I said, five. And he goes, I said, higher, Bob. And he said, 150. And I said, five. And he goes, is it a million? It's like, yeah, you're in the hundreds of thousands, bro.

You're in the wrong fucking comma. Five million dollars a month. Per month. He's making $60 million a year. Tyga. He's a dude. Cardi B makes. Tyga.

By the way, way Tiger's fucking obviously we've talked about it before that I follow Tiger on OnlyFans we wanted to check out his OnlyFans and Tiger sends just over the top DMs

like do you want me to read Tiger's DMs yes maybe in post we'll put a little dramatic reading music or something john fight also sends non-stop dms okay so john feidelberg reads tyga's only fans dms and like tyga you can see he got like fucking drunk with power with like i think he realized how much money he was making when he leaned into it. So the first thing, again, I subscribed to see what was on

for Tigers whenever. I think we do. We posted a dick pic. I think we were just checking out his dick, right? I think he wanted to see Tigers dick. Yeah. And then so we were like, let's check it out. Subscribed. First DM. Welcome to my OnlyFans. Let's have some fun with this. Second DM.

How big you think it is when it's hard In the shower With a bunch of squirting emojis Uh Fucking Eggplant And four tongues Next one

She almost choked sucking my dick With an eggplant A shocked face And a smiley face Next DM Eight and a half inches, and a smiley face. Next DM. Eight and a half inches. Netflix and cum. Next DM.

Want to watch my dick cum on her perfect ass? My dick looks so big on her ass. With the eye, with the heart emojis, shocked face, eye heart emojis, shocked face. On her ass. Like he laid it on. I imagine he laid it on. Yeah. Another.

She almost choked sucking my dick. Shock face. Shock face. Eggplant emoji. And he's cum with videos? Yeah. That's a 51 second video. I mean, you have to buy him.

Yeah. Shot my cum all on her ass. Two squirt emojis and a tongue drooling emoji. This one is just good morning with a topless chick. Stroking my dick until I cum part one, triple X. Part two, stroking until I bust a nut. Here's the triple X video from Money Mouth. I nutted so much.

Washing my dick never felt so good. Talk to me. I mean, and how frequently? Multiple per day. I'd say two or three per day. I mean, that's how you make $5 million a month, though. Suck and spit on my dick. Suck my balls and spit on my dick.

Feel so caps locks, here we go. Feel so good when I shoot my cum everywhere. With a lot of emojis, as you can see. He's not wrong. Five million a month. And then this one, I woke up rock hard. What you do with this? I remember saying when Tyga started, I was like,

I know he's not a superstar rapper, but he's had some hits. How much money could he possibly be making? Well, $60 million a year. $60 million. And then, so that's the Mount Rushmore. That's top four. Now, top three.

Bronze medal. Cardi B. She only charges $3. It's three pounds and 93 cents. So that's got to be like five bucks. I didn't imagine. Yeah, probably something like to be like five bucks. I didn't imagine. Yeah, probably something like that. So five bucks. I mean, that's cheap for Cardi.

She makes $7.1 million. A month? Again, pounds. So that's probably like nine. A month? A month. Oh, my God. So that means she has like 1.5 million subscribers, by the way.

Number two, Bella Thorne, we know uh kind of scammed the whole system nine million and then number one in the only fans world right now black china that fucking gross troll 15 million dollars a month that is so fucking that i i, I can't believe that's real. That's $180 million a year. No, God. It can't be. It can't be. Give her a few years, and she'll be a billionaire. OnlyFans is doing the fucking Pornhub shit.

See, all right. Doing the Netflix shit with Jack and Numbers. Yeah, the Netflix, the Pornhub. Pornhub's like, oh, 80 million people watched after the Super Bowl. Everyone didn't come home and fucking jerk off after the Super Bowl. I can imagine Cardi B is a superstar. At five bucks, you might get a lot of people to sign up. Blac Chyna, I know she had her day in the sun as a stripper.

And the Kardashian. Yeah, but that was brief. And it was like they didn't like her. The Kardashian fans hate her. $15 million a month for anything in the world. it was like they didn't like her. You know, like the Kardashian clan, the Kardashian fans hate her. 15 million a month for anything in the world. I mean, I mean, she's got,

I would say, I was going to say the top five don't, well, the top three don't do nudity. I think she must do nudity. Oh yeah. She's got it. She's got it.

But like, I mean, black China in two months, two months and a couple of weeks makes what LeBron James makes in a year. Sex fucking sells baby i mean this is this is gonna throw off the balance of the world i think i said that originally when only fans first started we're proving it now if black china can make 180 million dollars a year we got a problem we got a fucking problem all right let's do one more voicemail and we'll get into get into our interviews. Hey, KFC Fight. So got myself into an interesting situation. Became a regular at this awesome bar around the corner from my house.

Became friends with a bartender there, except he thinks my name is John. My name is George, and first I didn't catch it. Now it's, you know, three or four times I've been there. I mean, he's even calling me Johnny Boy. And am I in too deep now? Like, do I ever correct him? Am I just John now? Do I need to find a new bar?

Let me know. Thanks. Yeah. It's like Jerry Gergich. I'm fucking done, man. Just fucking. I, I, it's like what? Jerry Gergich from, uh, Parks and Rec.

His, his name is actually, he had three separate names. It was, he was definitely Gary. And then Jerry, Larry, Terry. Fucking, I forget. I think Gary. Jerry, Larry, Terry. Fucking, I forget. I think Gary's his real name. Yeah. I forget, but they always called him Jerry.

And then, like, after, like, six seasons, they're like, he's, like, testifying or whatever. Like, are you Terry Gergich? He's like, yes. It's like, no, you're Jerry. He's like, no, I'm actually Terry.

Right, right. Once that happens. Once you have a name, you got a name, man. And also, it's kind of fun to have a fake name. I don't know about that. Yeah, why not?

It just seems like a hassle. A little nice anonymity. I mean, I guess you can use it to your advantage, yes. But like, to me... If I could go to a bar and I was just Rick, bartender's name is Rick, fuck yeah. Love that bar. Rick feels like not only the middle name of the child I was hanging out with at the park, Rick feels like a name that's like an 80s baseball player.

Rick Sutland, Rick Sutter. It's like, my name's Rick, and I drink whiskey neat. Rick. Rick's a man's name. You're never going to meet a gay, fancy Rick. He's Richard. He's not Rick. I guess that makes sense.

And there's a huge difference, by the way, between Rick and Ricky. Ricky can be like Ricky Martin. Ricky can be like, hey, Ricky. Rick is like a grizzled man. Rick is like a stepdad. Right away, I went to Rick. I'd love to be a Rick. In my heart, I'm a Rick.

In reality, I'm not. He does, like, carpentry in a garage. Rick. Rick. I think it depends on, I think you have a small window to, like, correct people, and then the horse is out of the barn on that one. I think if he gave you a stupid name, then fucking maybe you'd change it. But John's a good, strong name. It's a bartender, you said, right?

Yeah. Don't you, I feel like you eventually, the problem here is you get the card, and they, like, close you out, and they're like. Yeah, but how often do they actually look at those things especially once they know you i guess but you would think that there's a chance more so than not like they're more and more there's a chance that a bartender will see your name than almost any other scenario that's true that's very true so you might get you might have to run into that awkward like and then it's like dude you've been letting me call you this is one of those things where if you told this to me, I'd be like, bro, why didn't you come to me earlier? Why didn't you tell me?

I would have called you. But I will never do it to you. You know what I mean? I would be like – I would feel like the whole world would agree to help the person out. But when it's happening to you, you think, oh, I could not possibly say anything. Go back to my number five fear where it's just like, no, I can't make you feel uncomfortable at all, so I will just sit here in the uncomfortableness.

It's so fucking stupid. But I would say you have the first meeting doesn't count. The first time you meet someone doesn't count. You have the second meeting. You could bring it up then. I think after the second meeting, you're in. I think you have three. I think you have three instances because, like I said, the first one doesn't count.

The second one counts. The third one, you could be like, actually. Like, you called me that last week, but actually. And then after that, that's your name. Okay. And then you know what you do? You go down to the Department of Motor Vehicles. You change your name.

You get a new password. You get a new fucking ID. The whole nine. You are now Rick. Yeah, but I like John. He says he calls him Johnny Boy. Like, that's... We're fucking thieves.

Can I tell you something? You're a Rick. I'm a Rick? You got, like, a Rick vibe. Sometimes you're, like, Lady Feidelberg. You're Madame Feidelberg. But then the other side of you is a Rick. Okay.

You got whiskey and a flannel and some tobacco. And you're, like, you know, thick. Okay. You got whiskey and a flannel and some tobacco and you're like, you know, thick. You know, you're warm. You have a coat of blubber on you. You're a warm guy in the winter. You're a Rick. You're a Rick. That's the nicest thing you ever said about me. You look like a Rick.

Not a Rick Feidelberg. You'd have to change your whole fucking shirt. Rick. I'll come up with the last name. Rick rick winters no that's a person isn't it rick winters is if that's not a porn star i'd be shocked rick winters i was gonna say rick bonner rick winters md popped up first okay i'm during dr rick i'm rick winters. Rick Winters. Okay. I have an alter ego in Sad Boy season. His name is Rick Winters. He's sad.

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I don't have any shoes, but I have nice Thursday boots I can pass for shoes. High-quality soles there. I like the green olive suede we have are kind of like shoes more like, you know, and these are the boots. And then there's like the black, like high boots. That's like, like you can do some damage in those boots. You could be a Rick. So whatever you need, whatever style, whatever type of footwear you need with your boots, they've got you covered. I think they got bags and belts, all leather goods.

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That's T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y-B-O-O-T-S.com. Get a pair of high-quality boots that you'll be wearing for years. We are here with the legendary Maury Povich. And no, listen. Don't give us that fake humility. You know you're a legend. Oh, no. No, you know something?

If you hang around long enough, you're legendary. I mean, that's all it is. Well, listen, I know what you mean, but the reason why you're able to hang around What you're saying is I'm a 43-year-old NFL quarterback. That's what you're saying. I mean, I'm an old guy. Hey, Morrie, there's worse things you can be

than Tom Brady. I was going to say that if you look around, the only quarterback who's 43 is Tom Brady. So, you know, in order to be around as long as you have been, you got to have the goods and I think you certainly have it. Thank you. Appreciate it, Kevin.

Is there something, is there a secret to it? Do you, you know, is there a secret to your longevity? Well, I'll tell you, years ago when I first started, I came off a kind of an edgy show called The Current Affair many, many years. Right. And it was a very kind of tabloid news program.

And I had I had a lot of recognition in terms of the business. But a lot of it was some was positive and some was negative because of the edginess of the show. And so now I'm starting a talk show. And I learned a long time ago, it's almost like you're in an election. You're in a campaign. You've got to knock on a door. People have to open their door, invite you in, and you have to present yourself in a way as a member of the family. Because you're going to eat with them.

You're going to be on the couch because you're going to eat with them. You're going to be on the couch in the living room, watching TV with them. And so I always wanted to be an extension of the audience, an extension of my viewers, ask questions that they would ask if they had a chance to. So, I mean, that's been my, you know, that's been my MO ever since I started 30 years ago. How many times is that question just i mean what the hell like that like that like that's the question the viewers have like how how what the hell what is going on how did this happen yeah i mean i get a lot i i get a lot i mean somebody told me the other day that

i am now in my 30th year of daytime talk. Wow. And the research people came and said, you are now the longest running daytime talk show host in history. No kidding. And I said, you know, I don't know if I like that. I mean, I don't know. That only means I've been around. I mean, that's all that means.

You are selling yourself way too short here. Yeah. I mean, you've got the longest career for a reason. The ratings are there. The popularity's there. Of course. I know. I know. I mean, look, I prefer for the last 35 years, I've always identified myself as Mr. Chung. okay? Because I've always been, I've been married to this woman for 35 years. She was always the star. I was always the second banana. And I, you know, I've always felt that way and still do,

even though she hasn't played in the TV game in the last, you know, 10, 15 years. Listen, Dave, you are the second banana of a relationship. That is a power couple, my friend. I don't even know. I was just thinking, as years. Listen, if you are the second banana of a relationship, that is a power couple, my friend. I don't even know. I was just thinking, as you said that, how many people in the world there are that Maury Povich could play second banana to? I think you can count them on you.

Maybe two. I mean, you found yourself a keeper there, sir. Well, I'll tell you. I mean, lately, I mean, it's because it's strange because I get a lot of really big celebrities who kind of like watch the show all the time. I mean, today, for instance, I had to give a shout out to a really big comic named Tiffany Hadash. Oh, yeah. And she's and she's hosting Ellen, I think, this week or something. And so they called me up and said, can you give Tiffany a shout out? She watches you all the time. I want really a big stand up comic like that.

Actress like that. So I get I mean, Shaq Shaquille watches me every day. Yeah. And Shaquille says he likes it because he gets on with his friends and they bet on whether the guy's the father. Yeah. I mean, that really, you know, you've done a million shows over the years and I'm sure there's all sorts of, uh, wild storylines, but the, the, you are, or are not the father is, you know, forever going to be the, the bread and butter of the Maury Povich show. And I think specifically, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think at least maybe for the

modern era or some of the younger kids, there's the one clip of the one guy who really starts dancing when you announce he's not the father. And the internet put music over it and they turned it into a meme. And I feel like that really kind of exposed a whole new generation to it. But I think that was kind of a turning point moment was, is that, do you like identify with that guy as well? Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah. That, I mean, that guy, that guy is really representative of a lot of things. And I see,

I see that clip all the time with GIFs all the time when something goes on and they run that guy's clip over who knows what these days. And so, yeah, I mean, a lot of it's gone viral. I'll tell you one thing that in YouTube, I think it's got like 5 million views, was that we had years ago, we used to do these phobia shows and this woman was scared of pickles And we had the pickle lady on and that's that's gone. That's five million views on YouTube. Yeah. I mean, some of this stuff is. I mean, thank God for the Internet. I mean, social media has. I mean, I now have somewhere between four and a half to five million viewers on Facebook.

I've got millions of viewers on YouTube. The bigot, I think they told me the other day, this was good. I got a million on TikTok. Yeah, that's it, Maury. Get on that TikTok world. Now, have you made a big, like a conscious transition from, not from the daytime talk show, but just really like working on clips that are better on YouTube and better on TikTok and Twitter and all those? No question. No question.

We do a lot of behind the scenes stuff. We do after the show stuff. We do updates on YouTube of the guests that have gone viral. So we do a lot of special clips on social media that's important. And not only that. It's all so much more work, right? The technology is supposed to make our lives easier. We just have more and more work to do.

Yeah. And at the same time, you know, there's money in it. Amen, brother. That is the name of the game. Speaking of money, I was reading your Wikipedia today. I didn't know you used to be in business with Tony Kornheiser.

That's right. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, yes. You see, I've done... Here's the thing. First of all, Tony and I have known each other 40 years, maybe. You see, my father was the sports columnist of The Washington Post for 75 years. Holy shit.

And Tony Kornheiser says that the greatest the greatest things he's ever done in his life is carry the typewriters of the legendary sports writers, Red Smith and Shirley Popich, because he wrote, he worked for the times and he worked for the Washington. So I've known Tony ever since he came to the post in the late seventies, I think. And so maybe early seventies. And so I've known him a long time.

And he talked me in to investing in a restaurant in Washington, DC. Now, any financial advisor would tell you, you do not go into restaurants. You don't do things like that. They are the biggest loser in the world unless you're the chef. If you're the chef, maybe you got a chance. So Tony and I and a few of our friends went into a restaurant and he did his podcast for a few years on the restaurant.

And of course, the restaurant went belly up. And so we're no longer in business, but we still love each other. I feel like that's how every I feel like every friend group has that. We're like, we got to buy a bar together, guys. We got to buy a bar. Oh, no. And I feel like they always end like that, but there's got to be some

good times in between, right? Yeah, there had to be a couple moments when you opened it up. There were free breakfasts. That was the only thing. But I have invested in the worst things in the world

that do nothing but get you in trouble. What was worse than the restaurant? Well, I own a newspaper in the great state of Montana, which is critically acclaimed in terms of its content. It's the best weekly newspaper. It's been voted that way for the last 10 years in Montana. It's called the Flathead Beacon.

My wife and I started it. You don't open newspapers in this day and age. No. I mean, you're going to start selling fax machines, too? It's been highly successful fax machines too highly successful it's been highly successful editorially and then financially well guess what we're we're we're not there yet what what's it been like uh all these years with the like how do you relate to to your the people on your show?

You know, you are you went to University of Penn. You are a smart guy. You know, you're married to an award winning personality herself. Do you get along with the people on your show? Do you do you relate to them at all? What's it like behind the scenes when some of these characters come through? It's very interesting. As you rightly said, I have absolutely no experience in my life as to the lives of our guests.

They live lives I've never lived in my life. And yet at the same time, I don't know what it is about the connection. I don't like to think about it too much. I don't want to go into shrink land as to why they have embraced me. I've embraced them, I think, mainly out of human instinct. I understand that they have gone through a lot in their lives. There are a lot of burdens they have to deal with. I think one of the reasons they come on the show is to unburden themselves in one way or another. And they feel that I am a safe place and that I can, I mean, even if it's, you know, with lie detector tests, for instance, even though the guy is guilty, he's coming on to take a lie detector test. Why would you do that? If you're guilty?

Do you think people get the idea that they could beat it because we see it in movies so many times? Like I know if I was going on more, I'd put a rock in my shoe. But they think they can beat it. But I think back in their mind, they want to be able to end what's ever going on in their life and be able to start again. And they find that coming here is kind of a safe place.

And as far as the paternity test, you know, I've been criticized for exploiting people and things like that. I mean, I have TV critics all the time or, you know, on my case. But I have always said that I believe that. If I can get two parents into the life of a child, that child has a better chance of making it. Now, I'm not going to be successful every time a guy's proven to be the father when he doesn't think he is. But a significant percentage of fathers do get into the lives of these kids. And because I've been on so long, I can update these stories 5, 10, 15 years out. In fact, that's what we're doing this season.

We've got a show I'm bringing back out of control teenagers from 20 years ago. Yeah. How did that turn out? You don't know me. You don't know me. You know, yelling and screaming at their parents in the audience, you know, at 14 years old, running the streets, trying to have a baby because they want unconditional love. How did that work out? You know, so I got to i gotta guess i mean i can probably tell you do you ever uh do you ever find yourself rooting for certain members like you know a guy or a girl comes in and yeah say the girl is a real bitch or really awful or whatever and you find yourself rooting for the guy or do you you stay, like, impartial? Like, have you ever opened it up and been like, you are the father. I'm impartial, but, for instance,

I love it when the guys can pass a lie detector test. I like that. That doesn't happen all that much, but I like it when it happens. And I also like it when the guys prove to be the father, because now I know that kid has a chance. And if he's not the father, now that woman has to go down a road that she didn't think that she had to go down and then go back in in time and try to figure out who the father was. So, I mean, yeah, I mean, I root for the best i don't root you know we get some you know we get some assholes on the show but i mean you know i mean uh you deal with it do you ever feel like uh if someone's particularly disappointed are you ever like like i'm so sorry or is it just

like you know sometimes the crowd is like hooting and hollering and going crazy and there's this girl who's like oh shit what shit, what do I do now? Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, we have the classic was, you know, it proved not to be the father. The woman runs off our stage. She goes backstage. She falls down on the couch. She is just, I'll tell you, a funny moment like that.

Tyler Perry, of course, does the Madea movies. And so he asked me to come down because Madea was going to try to prove that such and such by the way, he's at the biggest, it's like, it's like Hollywood East, Hollywood Southeast and this big studio. And he has completely recreated my entire set on, on for this movie. I mean, it looks exactly like the set we're on now. And he plays Medea when she hears the wrong answer, she runs off the stage crashes on those couch backstage i said tyler you watch my show don't you we all do maury i mean everybody from when you're a kid and you stay home from school you watch the price is right and you watch maury up until now on the internet where you get clips and and go viral i mean it's part of everybody knows you are not the father.

It is like embedded in our culture, man. It's crazy. You know, it's very interesting. The inflection on the line, it came to me because, and this was just by coincidence and maybe my own instinct. First time I did DNA, the producer is saying, okay, here's the story. I've got the story. I've done all the briefing and everything. And she says, and here's the answer. Here's the result. And I said, you know, I don't want to know the result. I don't

want to know anything more than the guest. So I don't want to know anything more than my studio audience or my viewers. I don't want to know. I'd skew the questions. I want to be as surprised as they do. So that's how the inflection, you are, you are not, it comes out because I'm as surprised as everybody looking. Do you usually know or are you actually surprised? Are you like, wow? No, I don't know. But I mean, like when you're hearing their story, are you like, I know what's going on here?

There is no chance. I mean, look, I mean, I have seen the whitest children end up being with very colorful African-American couples. I mean, you know, I mean, I have long since given up trying to figure it out. Yeah, that makes sense, because I'd be I'd put all my eggs in that basket. I didn't even know what was going on here. Nope. All right, so what we're going to do now, we're going to bring in our buddy Pat. Pat's on the line.

I'll unmute him. Right. There he is. Look at this guy. He is looking sharp today. Really? Let me see. Goodbye.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. All right. So, Maury, if a fellow like this shows up on your set looking the way he does with this red suede moccasin tasseled shirt, what's your thoughts? What are you thinking here? Let me take a look at Pat one more time. What's up, Maury? Oh, wow.

Pat. Pat. Hey. That hair looks like my golden retriever. Does he get a lot of sex? No. No, guess what? He'll never end up on my show

makes me want to bark maury oh yeah he can bark so uh pat i hear i hear congratulations are are due right or at least to your better half right i don't know maury i don't know i was hoping you might have the results i was was hoping maybe you could give the results in terms of the barstool baby. Let hard factor Pat know here whether he's the father. I happen to have done a lot of research on this, Pat. And, you know, while you were sleeping, we swabbed you. And we have the result right here. When it comes to the barstool baby, Pat, you are the fuck.

Oh, hell yeah, Maury. Come on, Maury. Put some respect on my name, Maury. Put some respect on my name, Maury. You got it, kid. Hey, Maury, I hear, I don't know if know this is a rumor but it's on the internet but i hear that if i get my birth announcement on maury that you got to pay for college is this true oh really you thought that i've put a lot of stock into it more i started spending

because i figured you got it if that was true i'd be dead broke it's not what they're saying i read it maury if all my people on my show all those babies on my show look i'm the father of some but not many maury you got any advice for me yeah i got some advice for you learn how to change diapers no that's woman's work maury that's not gonna work that's not gonna work and byury. That's not going to work. That's not going to work. And by the way, I got one more thing to ask about Barstool, okay? You all know Riggs?

Yeah. You know Riggs? Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. You see those journeys he makes all the time on these golf courses? He goes all over the country playing golf courses, shows everybody his swing and everything. Would you please tell him that he's taken his club back too far inside on the backswing?

I don't believe – I think you're not the first person to tell him that. I believe he hears that quite often. How do you know Riggs, Maury? I mean, if he takes it back here, he's going to flip it and hit it left, and if he holds on, he's going to fade it and hit it right. What's the Maury-Riggs connection? There are no Riggs. I just watch it.

He'll be happy to hear that. Well, all right. I know you're out there swinging clubs at the Ocean Township golf course. How'd you know that? How'd you know that? Rachel Dorman, I grew up with her. Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, her dad is one of my best friends and a golf buddy of mine. I beat him in the finals of the Hollywood Club Championship a few times. No big deal. But David Dorman and Rachel, I've known them. I don't want to tell you how long. No, yeah. That's the first place I ever smoked weed is on that golf course I snuck on. There you go.

Hey, by the way, so did her father. All the time. Oh, you go. Hey, by the way, so did her father. All the time. Oh, you dog, Maury. All right. Well, we really appreciate the time, Maury, and thanks so much for the little recreation here. And, you know, obviously the Maury Povich Show is legendary. New season will be coming out, so everybody keep up with it,

especially this Where Are They Now with the out-of-control teens. I mean, I will be coming out. So everybody keep up with it, especially this. Where are they now with the out of control teens? I mean, I will be tuning in for that. So that's a good. We're looking at one right now. Thanks, guys. John, thank you very much. Kevin, nice to be with you. Thanks so much.

All right. Big shout out to Maury Povich and congratulations to Pat and Kate. We recorded that, obviously, like a week or two ago when their announcement was made. Perfect Barstool serendipity. Pat was like, oh, man, I would love to do a video with like Maury Povich or something. I was like, he's quite literally our guest tomorrow. So it was meant to be that baby. That baby fucks already.

That baby is a content baby. Yeah, it really is. I mean, you know what? They should name him. CB. Rick. CB. Rick. CB? Content baby?

Rick Barstool. That's that man's name, Rick Barstool. All right, next up, Sherard Small is on, and he is a wild motherfucker who is just a New York comic through and through who doesn't get offended, who cracks jokes. He is like, he's just so refreshing. You know, it's like he's a black guy who clowns white people and black people and men and women and young and old in New York and not New York.

And like anybody can get it. Anybody can be the subject of a joke. It's brought to you by Miller Lite. When you're hanging out with me, Fights, Rick, Sherard, anybody who wants to kick back and have a good time, share some laughs, tell some stories, spin some yarn, learn some lessons, get over their

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It's great taste, less filling. And, uh, you know, life is complicated right now. Miller light, not so much.

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or listen to the podcast. Always do it with a Miller Lite. Great taste with only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. It's brewed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin from the Miller Brewing Company. So celebrate responsibly. Go to MillerLite.com slash KFC. I've been watching you one minute of fire.

Yeah? Dude, it's been getting a lot of views and a lot of hate. There's a lot of comments on that. That's how you know you're doing it right. Yeah, right, right. That's what I told Billy the other night, Billy Burr. Yeah, right. Pips off the right people.

That was so great. That was awesome night. Billy Burr. Yeah? Yeah, right. I mean, that's... Piss off the right people. That was so great. That was awesome. We good over there, Nick? Yeah, I mean, that was like... I would imagine, and maybe in your conversation he told you this, like, he had to know what was going to happen with that. Oh, yeah. And he's like, fuck it, I don't care.

Yeah. Well, he cared. That's why it was so damn good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he really leaned on it like the way he's supposed to lean on it. Right. It was just great. How much do you think, we were just discussing yesterday?

Like, for the most part, I thought that was a Bill Burr set, minus, you know, language. Yeah. But, like, as far as if he was doing that at the club, would his jokes have been, like, that much further? Or do you think he really, like, did exactly what Bill Burr would do? I think he made that set just for SNL's monologue. And I think he put all of him in it without doing the nightclub version of it, but it was still just solid. It was solid. I was proud of him.

Every topic, I was like, I feel like he could do 10 more minutes on this. Because it's SNL, time constraints, and also just it's NBC, but I was like, man, I want to hear him keep going on this. I'm sure he chopped it down, but I don't think it got probably vulgar. It probably got longer, though. I'm sure he had to nip this and nip that. And now what I'm looking want to hear him keep going on this. Yeah, I'm sure he chopped it down, but I don't think it got probably vulgar. Right, right. It probably got longer, though.

I'm sure he had to nip this and nip that. Yeah, for sure. And now what I'm looking forward to is him talking about that, be it on his podcast or back in the club, because I feel like that just new material comes from that set and that whole experience. Oh, that can be a whole new hour.

That's a whole new hour, just that experience in that fucking eight-minute set. What is funny, too, is if you make fun of angry white women, the reaction is angry white women. You know what I mean? Oh, they come out. You're proving the entire point right here. Because they can't take a joke.

Yeah, they really can't. Anybody who's too angry can't take a joke. You're right. So if you already all binded up from whatever's going on in your head, you're going to fuck the joke up in your head. It's like relaxing to take a beating sometimes. Yeah, yeah, right, right. Just be like, yes, it is what it is. Everybody got to take a beating. What movie is that?

Oh, I don't know the movie, but I know it's just my strongest suit. You know the reference? I think it's Goodfellas, right? At the beginning? Yeah, yeah. With all those beating them? Or Bronx Tale. Yeah, one of those with the guineas fucking doing their mafia shit.

But it's true. I think the world lacks that right now. Admit when you're wrong or just admit when it's a joke or take a beating like hand up or change your opinion. You don't have to dig your heels in on fucking everything if you're proven wrong. Stop being offended

so easily. It's like, Lord have mercy. You don't even know this man. He's not talking to you. He's just talking. Have you found, so your podcast is Race Wars. Yeah, Race Wars. And you've been doing it for a while now, right? Yeah, we've been doing it for about five years.

So five years ago, the term Race Wars and the subject matter. I smelled it coming, Kevin. I smelled it coming, brother. This is like you started a podcast in 1936 called The Holocaust. That's right. You go like this with the wind. I know how the wind is blowing.

Got in on the bottom floor when it came to racism. I got in on the racism gold rush. I was a prospector way before. This is my land here. This is my territory. I saw you, I think, at Dangerfields maybe. This is probably like, gotta be like almost 10 years ago. Okay, yeah.

And you were doing this thing where you were clapping at the crowd. Trying to keep the crowd up. Yeah, oh man. And it was like the funniest shit I've ever seen, so I'm happy to have you in here. It's like cattle prodding. You gotta get those cows in that fucking tank. Just point them here, you know? Laugh now.

Here's the joke. But so race wars, I mean, now, like, has the subject matter changed? Are you finding it, is it more serious? Is it more, is it harder to navigate? Or is it the same old shit? No, it's the same stuff. Because we approach it with love, you know what I'm saying? But we still got laughter in it.

But it's like we approach it like trying to listen and trying to hear everybody's side of it. That's why we have a lot of different people who come on it, from Ann Coulter, who's been on a dozen times. Really? Yeah, Ann Coulter's been on a bunch of times. How's that go? It's great. It's great. I had her on with Yamanika. I don't know if y'all know Yamanika Saunders, the black girl

who's very funny. Basically anti-Ann Coulter. Yeah, that's what they think, but when you meet her, it's like she's just a person with opinions too. And it's funny how people attack her even though a lot of her shit I don't agree with, but a lot of politics from my family I don't agree with.

But it's funny how people think, like, first of all they think they're going to come on a show and smash her but she's smart as shit. She's a lawyer and a writer, so she knows the stuff. You've got to come in with your information and not just passion, or you're going to lose. Right. I learned that a long time ago from Manny Dorman at the fucking Comedy Cellar.

Yeah, man, it's like a debate. It's like a battle. It's not just about how excited or passionate you are. You have to, like, they're going to say this, and I have to rebuttal with this. I mean, there's a lot of people on both sides who are just good at arguing now. Yeah, yeah. And they might be, like, dead wrong, like, morally. Right.

But they're going to have the stats and the whatever. They stay calm. And next thing you know, you look like the asshole for being, you know, screaming and yelling. And it's funny how a lot of even, like, liberals or just people say, you know, women have the right to have an opinion. And women got the right. You can't attack them for having to. But then Ann comes around and you know they run through her they call her

horse face this and horse face that but it's like what happened to all that women unity yeah yeah it's funny how quickly that changes

they ditch you if you ain't got the same politics they ditch you yeah it's funny it's like where did that go man we have some good

shows on man Artie Lang cutting him on a bunch of times and George Wallace a bunch of times so I try to have a nice mix

Artie is one of the we had him in likeie is one of the... We had him in right before one of his latest slip-ups and bouts. When he is lucid, he's unbelievable. Nobody's funnier. He's one of my best friends, but nobody's funnier than him. The way he paints a picture like that is like... I always call him the white Tracy Morgan.

The way these fuckers explain shit, it makes you feel like you get transported to where they are. We had a great episode with him called Drunk Trump, right, when they were first running for office. And he did a character that we just kept on there. It was the funniest shit. But it's just impromptu. Just how Artie is. Artie's interview with us was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen because he was definitely fucked up. He was in top of the room.

There were multiple times throughout the interview where I was like, we're going to have to catch this dude. So he thought he was going to fall off a chair. Really? In fact, the guy was like, sometimes looking to his publicist like, are you going to step? There's something wrong here. But it was wrong physically looking at him.

But he had the mic in his hand and he was still just fucking rushing it was like like jordan flu game stuff really i can see you're not okay to head bird head bird you'd be like holy shit head bird we gotta get him a cab yeah and then he'd get on stage and smash really still be yeah he was just in his own place i feel like that that to me i mean i guess it is kind of similar to sports when you see like a jordan flu game but the thought of being like fucked up on stage to me and still killing is so foreign to me. When you feel sick and you get on stage, you feel better on stage. I remember a while ago, like, over a decade ago, I was in L.A. at the Laugh Factory. And Dangerfield was there.

Rodney Dangerfield. This was before he died. And on stage, I was like, yeah. They were rolling his ass out there. Prior to the tour after he died. died and I was like he was sitting in the audience with his wife and I was like this dude like he's on death's doorstep yeah and barely moving the crepit he got on stage and was like boom bang bang bang but killed and then right up back off stage back back to an old man. It's like a time machine at that stage, man.

Honestly, I even see that, like, not with comedy, but, like, my own father is, like, around the house on the weekends. He's, like, goofy and not making sense. And he's, like, fucking, you know, like, bothered by all of us. And then he goes to work, and he's, like, in his suit and doing, like, real shit. I'm like, how are you the same person? Because he hates being around us all the time. He's at home fucking pissed off in his knock around pants exactly but yeah i mean so you feel that way with comedy too like you get on stage and you're just like oh yeah at home oh yeah that's why it's so hard right now with this you know quarantine and all that we can't get in and perform it's like it's hell yeah it's the longest i've been on stage in

20 years have you been doing like the drive-in shows or the fucking group shows? I had a show in Roysta, Pennsylvania, like an outdoor show, and it got canceled because of the hurricane. It's like comedy is the new baseball. So it's not one thing, it's another. It's got weather delays and rain delays.

It stinks. Yeah, that's tough, man. I feel like it's like, I mean, we do live podcasts here and there, but it's not like, it's not really, you know, it's not comparable to stand-up comedy. And I like it's like, I mean, we do live podcasts here and there, but it's not like, it's not really, you know, it's not comparable to stand-up comedy. And I don't need it, you know? I feel like if we couldn't do this, I'd probably lose my mind, too.

You think so? Well, this is like my therapy. You know what I mean? If I can't talk into this, I'm going to lose my goddamn mind. You got to get it out. You got to get it out, man. Yeah, it really is. Like, I don't even care.

Are you listening? I don't care. This is for me. You know what I mean? And writing is, you know, it's therapeutic, but it's not the same as performing right there and getting that gratification right in front of you. And podcasts are fun, but without comedy. If you're a stand-up, you know, podcasts are your second thing.

Yeah. It's not your first thing. So when it became your first thing, it's like, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, making you jump off your girl. Podcasting's my side chick. You're not my main. But if you didn't,

I mean, the guys who don't have any sort of podcasts or video series, digital, whatever, you're fucked. Yeah.

I mean, if you got nothing else, it is a tough scene. But that's like a lot of the comics who've taken a risk in doing shows in other states

that's doing indoor shows. Yeah. It's not worth it for me. No, I mean, at what point do you think would you say fuck it

let's say there's no vaccine or whatever but we go another year another six months what would you just be like I gotta do what I gotta do in my head I think in New York State at least New York City it's gonna be to January we're not getting back in and I'm really thinking April

not April but Spring but yeah I'm not thinking that we're going to be back in like everybody who knows maybe we'll find a vaccine or maybe you know should have swung though well we just got to get to the election what the fuck does that mean

it's only going to get worse then I was saying the other day at the election I'm like a small part of my mind is like I kind of hope Trump wins because then the people with the guns aren't angry. I can tell they still have liberals. What about the crips and the bloods?

I don't know if they're on board with that. I saw you describe the debate as the worst versus of all time. Oh, yes. That was pretty funny. I mean, even if Trump loses, he's still the president of January. Yeah, that's right. I mean, can you imagine what, like...

He's going to rock out. He's going to burn the building. A lame duck for a couple months? Make it count, man. It's like your last day in the hotel room. He's like, fuck this place. I'm coming on everything in here. And that's

not like figured. He will come on everything in the White House, man. Lincoln's going to have a milk mustache in his portrait. Maybe he would stop being such a fucking asshole at that point. If he just went back to like celebrity apprentice Donald and was just like partying in the White House for a couple months, maybe it'd be a little more tolerable. But I think he's going to have

a chip on his shoulder for a long time. For sure. No doubt. I had never considered that until right now. The place will be burned down this winter. It's either my house or nobody's house. It's like saying you had some shit job where you got fired from.

They have security go to your desk with you so you don't fuck the place up. They escort you the fuck right out, man. You don't get an extra minute in that building. They got to walk him out. I mean, if I was Eric Trump, if he loses, Eric Trump, just stay away from your father. Because he's going to beat the shit out of you. You know that's the one he hits.

He get mad at Ivanka like this. Go get Eric. Whip his ass. You better stay clear what'd you think of him uh dancing to the ymca who saw that trump when he did that it was like last night i think oh and when it's rallies yeah i mean it was it was the uh the most like white guy dancing you've ever fucking seen and again these are things that probably would have been funny you know how do had he not been the fucking president and gotten so

controversial. I mean, even when he was first running and it was kind of like, oh, this isn't so, you know, this is just like a silly thing. But, I mean, that would have been funny in 2015, you know, and now it's like, what the fuck's going on? That's some steroids in him right there.

I've been wondering about this ever since I heard that he switched his songs to, they're both Village People songs, right? I think he does, goes on to YMCA, leaves to Macho Man. Really? Does he know about, like, YMCA is about, like, fucking each other in bathrooms. But so many people, so many bands banned him from using their music. Right, right. That's the answer. It's either that or DMX.

Man, if Donald came out to DMX. Where my niggas is at? Where my niggas is at? He'll get my vote if you come out to that. I was going to say, I might even vote for that. That's fucking funny. DMX or the Village People. One or the other, man.

That is a trip, dude. I got a clip with me and Donovan Malani. I used to do Good Morning America all the time. And me and Malani were on together. Then Trump calls in and fires me on the air. It's real funny. Yeah. That's right before he ran.

So everybody was still clapping and everybody was still happy. You used to just kind of be the fucking reality TV guy, whatever. Poor Malani. I feel like Malani is like, this is not what the fuck I signed up for, man. I'm a gold digger. I got the billionaire TV guy and now I gotta be the first fucking lady.

She didn't come on board with Trump to get a job. No. That's the whole point. I was just doing what I was doing. Yes. She tried to avoid a job and ended up in a job.

The ultimate job. That's how white she is. Damn, it's good being white. I can't even be unemployed if I want to. You can't lose or win it. make her do like anti-bullying she's like I don't even speak English dude what are you talking about how am I supposed to do anti-bullying

she sounds like the bad guy in Rocky IV Rocky III which one was the Russian I mean she got she kind of dodged a bullet with like right before they got the night before they got COVID was those tapes released of her. Oh, right.

Talking about Christmas decorations. Fuck Christmas. And then you can hear it in her voice like, I don't know these fucking kids. I don't know what. I don't. She was like, Michelle didn't do it. Why are they mad at her? I feel for her, man.

She just said, whatever Michelle did, let's do it again. Put my name on it. You saw my speech. I feel like she's got a story. I my name on it. You saw my speech. I feel like she's going to have stories. I used to live in a fucking house of gold. And now I'm in this house that was built in 19- Whatever the fuck the White House was built. I hate everything about this.

She's got to be counting down the days. Go back to my life of fucking- Divorce this guy, take half his money, and go back to my life of opulence. You think she'll try to bounce? I mean, wasn't there talks of, like, there was rumors that she was, like, about to file the papers, and then he won, and it was like, well, I guess we can't, like,

do the divorce now? I don't know if that's true. There definitely were those rumors. The whole presidency's just been a bunch of footage of her pulling her hand away from him. Yes. For Air Force One. I mean...

Like, she knew he had COVID from the beginning. Did you sanitize? I smell it on you I smell it I mean yeah If I'm her I'm out Why stick around? What's the fucking point? You want to stay married to Donald Trump at this point?

I feel like they have some kind of weird marriage Where it's just like You think she's like into him? She got all over him Respect him? Not into him but like You think there's like into him? She got all over him. Respect him? Oh, fuck no. Not into him, but like, you think there's something...

No, there's nothing there about money. Once she had Baron, she was like this. Yeah. My work here is done. Yeah, man. Baron's about to hit

the fucking NBA draft at this rate. She chose her name at what she wished she does. He is a freak, man. He looks like Kristaps. He looks like Porzingis out there. That's right.

If that kid has any handles, any jump shot at all, he's going to the fucking league, man. He could be like a European player that grew up here. It was bound to happen. Baron. Who was it? Geraldo Rivera, how do you pronounce it? Had a tweet where he's like, he had two back-to-back tweets that were so

fucking weird about Baron Trump, where one was about if Trump wins, he gets second term, he's going to be the hottest dude in D.C. Like, just like. For all those cities? Yeah. Barron?

Just like, I'm going to fuck that 17-year-old boy, man. Maybe it sounds better in Spanish. Sounds less offensive than Spanish. It sounds better in Greek, and that's about it. And then he was like, he's like, also like, it's my dream to watch him and Bronny James on the same team. Like, they should play basketball together. And like, added LeBron. Like, you should

have him come to the White House. I don't think LeBron's going to the White House to fuck around with Baron Johnson. LeBron ain't been right since those Al Capone vaults. Was a Pepsi bottle and a dirty penny. He ain't been right since then. He went straight Fox News after that. Yeah, LeB He ain't been right since then. He went straight Fox News after that.

Yeah, LeBron ain't fucking around with that. No. Period, man. I'm happy that he won another, you know, I'm happy for LeBron. Yeah. But what do you think? You know, I saw El Presidente talking about the bubble not being a real season and then you have asterisks. I think everything with sports is if what you want to happen happens, it's a real season.

Right. And if it doesn't, then it's fake. So if you're a LeBron hater, this doesn't count. I mean, if the Heat had won, it would have been an amazing upset. They took down LeBron. What a great championship. Right. The Lakers win.

It's fraudulent. The bubble, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'm a Cowboy fan. I remember when they had scab players, when they had that strike season. Yeah. And with the scabs, it was better than the team. I was like, let's hear these guys out. This counts.

This all counts. The union ain't all that good. Yeah, I mean, LeBron, to me, man, we had an episode out today where we were talking about it. It's just like, what more does he have to fucking do? He has a lot of fans, of course, but he's got a lot of haters still, too. He got three MVPs haters still, too. That's like three. The champ.

He got three MVPs in three different cities. He did it for his home city that never had a championship since, you know, the factory revived. Revives like, you know, Lakers once great kind of in the dumps. Brought them back. Did it in the east. Did it in the west. I mean, what fucking more does he have to do? But I mean, I feel like he's right on the cusp.

Because I think a lot like Jeter, like Peyton Manning, I hated their fucking guts until probably year 18. Eventually, it was like, I gotta respect them. You gotta respect them, yeah. Same thing I did with Brady, too. It's like eventually, but I don't know. He is just the most, could you imagine being that good at something

and still having people be like, nah man, you fucking suck. Masturbation is my answer. Masturbation. I'm the greatest of all time. I'm the greatest of all time. I got two hands going, I got a foot going. It's just sparks coming from it. Dude, I revolutionized the game, alright?

LeBron's like a 6'8 point guard. I'm a masturbating freak, okay? If scouts could all right? I'm talking like LeBron's like a 6'8 point guard. I'm a masturbating freak, okay? If scouts could watch me, they'd be like, this guy, he's going to change the game forever. Scouts do watch me. Like FBI agents talking about me. Oh, yeah. If Big Brother's watching, they're getting a show.

Some guy's at CIA learning some things from me. Like, oh, I'm going to go home and try that later, man. Shit. Oh, man. Being off is fun. It's fun. Are you a New York guy through and through? Yeah, I was born in Brooklyn.

I was raised in Brooklyn with a college in Maryland. And then I live on Upper East Side now. That's where I've been, you know. Brooklyn, we were just talking about COVID. Brooklyn and Queens, it's all spiking because of the Hasidics. Yeah. They won't follow any of the fucking rules. I think that's where it first sparked off to in Westchester. The same thing.

That's where you're at. Yeah. The Jews just won't listen. They just won't follow the rules, man. They're like, fuck it. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Can't knock them, you know?

I ain't raising my written yelling at them. I'm going to let them rock out, baby. I see you, Moish. Stay six feet, but I see you,ish it's 86 feet but I see you brother do your thing man do you I'll be in Manhattan

you have your fun man it's crazy mazel baby are you on where do you fall on the New York's dead New York's anarchy no it's fine

it's fine it's fucking fine New York's is still here I mean anybody I wouldn't say it's different it's not fine it's different but it's still like here yes i mean you walk out then you see something like on a warm day is all these restaurants outside packed it was like holy shit what am i in montreal this is great yeah man so i'm like everybody's still here but i think a lot of people some people moved out there's a lot of apartments available and stuff like that

but i think that's people who were just on the way out anyway. Yeah. Maybe it bumped their plan up a little bit a couple years earlier or whatever. Right. Sucks to see some classic places close, some small businesses go under. When you see all the Dominicans out of Inwood, then you tell me. Inwood got problems, man. Let me know about that. Yeah. But everybody's here who's always here is still here.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. I mean, and I think there are people, I think they had their moment in the sun like when shit was bad.

They were like, ah, like, we're, you know, out and we're in like farm country, like, you know, your city's in ruins and now it's back to normal.

I think they're pissed off about it. I think we're going to have a rush of people coming back next year. You think? Oh, I believe it. I keep wondering, like, with these rents like this?

Yeah, right? That's the thing. Now's the time to get in. at home, saving somewhere else, saving money up, not spending on anything? Right. I just, I moved That's the thing. Now's the time to get in. Saving money up, not spending on anything. Right. I just, I moved like in the pandemic. I moved in September or August, whatever it was, and I was like,

oh, I can have this place now? Fucking awesome. Unbelievable. As long as you're not around the Hasidics, you're fine. Pick the right neighborhood and you're good to go. Alright. Did you grow up in New York where you grew up? Yeah, I was born in the Bronx. What high school were you in? I was born in the Bronx. What high school? I went to high school

in Pelham in Westchester. I was born in the Bronx, lived outside of Philly for a minute and then when we came back to the Bronx, we moved to Pelham, New York. So I was in Pelham High School. Public High School. PS175 was where... How was your teams in high school, yo? Terrible.

I put it this way. I was the captain of the basketball team. Oh, no. We were that bad, bro. Oh, Papa, no. We were that bad, okay? Y'all might as well play in jean shorts. Why waste a uniform on this white team? We had a – I remember our coach said – we went 2-18 that year.

And our coach said, like, beginning of the season, he was like, if we play well, like if we're good, I'm going to write a book called, I think he was going to call it Starting at Guard, because everybody was like 5'10". You know what I mean? Like no height, no wealth. Everybody was like, yeah. The Rockets, like without James Harden, without any talent.

And he was like, if this goes well, like I'm going to have a story to tell. It did not go well. It did not go well. The story to tell was that we fucking sucked, dude. We were bad. But yeah, so where did you go to school? I went to Bishop Loughlin in Brooklyn, Catholic school. Mark Jackson went there.

Okay. From, yeah, and who else? Dougie Doug. You play ball? Yeah, I played a little ball. Yeah? Yeah. You still play?

Somewhat. Yeah? I need to get back on a, yeah. You still play like sports? How old are you? Yeah, I'm 45. Why? Yeah, that's true. Because I love a... You still play sports? How old are you? I'm 45. Why? Because I love it.

Do I play sports? Yo, every time I have to... You said that until you tear an ACL. If you still fucking, you still want to play sports because you still need that kind of agility. I'm trying to get out on both. He's like, somebody tag me out. I was fucking the other day and I got two cramps in both my fucking legs. That's shameful.

Eat a banana. I know. I was like, this is bad even by my standards. I'm like still, I'm like in the middle of it. Trying to like stretch the one leg out. Oh, yeah. Charlie Horse. It was embarrassing, man.

I get two cramps up in here sometimes. Yeah? Yeah, at Climax. Yeah, my abs just tighten up on me. There's an image I did not need. One time I got stuck on a team in my own face. I couldn't move out the way of it. I cramped up.

I locked up. I'm happy you said that because we're about to go play a game called Answer the Internet. And now I know what kind of questions you're down with, what kind of shit you're ready to answer. So let's go over to the next room. But the podcast is Race Wars. Yes. And you got a sports one as well, right? That's right, Small Ball that I got with Amber C. Rowe

on Apple Music and Spotify. Okay, cool. Are you like diving into sports? Diving into sports. I'm talking to a whole bunch of entertainers about sports because a lot of comedians played sports in high school. Yeah, for sure. So we talk about a lot of sports experiences

and what we went through as athletes. What was your greatest sports experience? A double play. My first double play in Little League. Yeah? Yes. Way back. I've always said that Little League baseball, for most guys, to me, it's like the happiest you'll ever be.

Oh, yes. Like that age and playing ball. That's when you beat the Puerto Ricans coming from Corny Island. It's like, yo, we could beat the Yankees if we beat these clubs. Because they were nice. They all had mustaches and shit. I'm like, wow. Well, yeah, they were like 20.

Danny Almonte was mowing you down. The second baseman was the third baseman's fucking father. Yo, looking back on Danny Almonte, man, I want to go back and watch that again. It's so fucking funny to think of him just gassing 11-year-olds. Yes. And just being out there on the mountain the whole time. He's what, 17? I think he was like 18.

18. And when was Trump then? He's like 10-year-olds. When was Trump then to call out the birthing thing on that kid? He pulled in on Obama, pulled in on him. He was so good that we never questioned it, and then we heard his old... Oh, of course. Yeah, that makes sense.

He was throwing perfect games. It was like 18 strikeouts and 18 outs. He was only two years older than we was like, okay, maybe he'll do the same once he played with kids his age. They lit his ass up. They lit his ass. That dude should have started steroids right away. I got no shot.

Where is he now? I would love to track him down. If we could get him in here. I'm going to Google it real quick. If we could get him in here and do a little fucking mockumentary on him. Oh my God. Where is he and what is he doing? You know what?

Are you a Yankee fan? Yeah, of course. I'm a Mets fan. I love the Mets too. Do you? You're one of these fucking bulls. I was born and raised here, man. Because sometimes I like the Yankees, I'm a Mets fan. I love the Mets, too. The Mets have the best parade. Do you? You're one of these fucking bulls? I was born and raised here, man. Because sometimes I like the Yankees, but the Mets tickets we can afford.

Well, the other day was the 22-year anniversary of that fat fuck Jeffrey Mayer pulling that ball. Oh, yeah. I fucking hate that kid. I mean, as a Mets fan. So I was born in the Bronx as a Mets fan. So my life sucked, bro. I was a Cowboy fan in Brooklyn. Yeah, how'd that happen?

Because my cousin, Jeffro Pugh, played on the Cowboys. He went to college with my mother at Elizabeth City State. All right. That's a decent answer. That's a decent reason, yeah. It was rough, though. I mean, yeah. And that fucking kid, he arguably ruined my life.

What's Danny doing? Danny, actually, I didn't realize he had a very successful high school and college career. He did. He wasn't drafted, but he was in the draft. Oh, shit. I don't know what he does now. Oh, no. These days, he is the assistant baseball coach for Cardinal Hayes High School in New York City.

Oh, okay. Hayes. That's in the Bronx, right? Yeah, I was going to say. I mean, go back to where it was working. You know what I mean? That's right. He was a star.

They still love him there. Well, I would say the Mets had the best parade ever. That 86 parade? Oh, man. I remember they let us out of school for that shit. Really? Like, the teacher was like this, get out of here, go to parade. And the cops let us jump the turnstile.

Listen, New York City in the 80s throwing a party is, like, it's going to be a good time. Everybody was there. Doc couldn't make it because it was his own party. That's Crack's Delicious. That was a time. Crack threw him out at home. Doc was like, I do this all the time. Oh, there's ticker tape?

Whatever, man. This is crack day, man. Wait, Doc just didn't go to the parade? He missed the parade. He was literally in the crack house. Really? You've got to watch the documentary. It's one of the saddest things ever, but it's hilarious.

He said they saw it on TV. People were like this. Shouldn't you be there? He was like this. Beware. I'm where I'm supposed to be. Ooh, that's hot. Ooh, that's hot.

All right, man. Let's go next to our, I appreciate it though. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Thank you, Charlie. I've got some missions that nobody can see. And all of these emotions Are pouring out of me

I bring them to the light For you, it's only right This is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life, to my life, to my life To my life, to my life, to my life

Yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh Yeah, yeah, yeah