KFC Radio - Meghan Markle And Spotify Split Ways Ft. Stuff Island
Episode Date: June 20, 2023Timecodes: 0:00 Start 02:36 Feits' 24 Hour Fast and Furious Stream Recap 12:47 Meghan Markle and Spotify split ways 17:02 Joe Rogan podcast with Robert J Kennedy Jr. - Debate Me 22:20 Bes...t TV Couple? 34:22 Feits was put into a bad situation at the Gym 40:13 What do get dressed up for unnecessarily? 48:21 Jackie may have a "processing problem" 01:00:18 One line everyone should have in their dating profile? 01:09:15 Video Voicemails 01:27:47 Stuff Island Interview Preview +++++++++++++++++++++++ James Allen: Get 25% off your order when you go to JAMESALLEN.com and use code KFC! Turo: Find your drive. Forget boring rental cars at https://bit.ly/3Lwerc1 Frontdoor: Download the app now and get a free video chat! barstool.link/FrontDoorApp Pirate Water: Go to drink piratewater.com to find pirate water in a location near you or order on gopuff Manscaped: Take your freedom bells to the next level by going to Manscaped.com and get 20% off with free shipping with our discount code KFC ++++++++++++++++++++++You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr
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That is arguably the most perfect fact we've ever made. I'm ready for this I'm ready for this
Cool.
No.
It's another edition of KFC Radio.
I'm not doing that.
Why?
Because, I don't know.
You're in the host chair.
I don't want to do that.
No, I'm not in the host chair.
Don't put that on me because then I'm going to get in my head about that.
Just say it's another edition.
It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network podcast.
It's Fuddleburg.
It's Jackie.
I was going to maybe give myself a nickname, but that's what it is.
It's going to be cringe.
It's Paz.
It's Colleen.
It's Vinny on the ones and twos.
First time.
I probably.
We just taught him.
There's no chance this podcast gets recorded.
It's not just Vinny's fault.
We've been setting up for an hour.
I'm sorry.
There's no...
We're just a couple guys hanging out talking.
None of this is going out to anybody.
I meant to get here
earlier and make sure that
everything was set up.
I have full straps.
You mentioned that before the show started. I full strep so i'm happy to be here
no it's probably highly contagious i looked it up
i know i know but nick nick like i was gonna take the day off and then nick was like he was
saying that he like is gassed from the stream rightfully so and so then i was like well as again
the owner of kfc radio i can't let my team down like that so i had to come in i had to step up
and strap up um talk about the stream
it's beautiful transitions that i do it's beautiful transitions i don't transition either
so this is gonna be like this is gonna be the fucking you ever seen the video it's beautiful transition I don't transition either so this is gonna be like this is gonna be
the fucking
you ever seen the video
it's an old video
of just two babies
in the kitchen
just yelling at each other
I feel like that's
how this podcast
is just like
ba ba ba ba ba
ba ba ba ba
I think we're not
even recording
probably
I don't have much
to say about the stream
it was fun
I liked it
it was good
I was impressed by your
Did you fall asleep, did you stay up the whole time?
I actually didn't watch
I have no idea what happened on the stream
I'm so hot, my fever is so bad
The
No, I fell asleep
At like 6am I think, 7am
Until about 8.
You stayed up until 7 a.m.?
Yeah.
And it was also the stupidest thing in the world that we, like, we didn't think it through properly, like, time-wise.
Because we started at noon, but I woke up at 6 a.m.
So I had, like, the added, like, it should have been, like, wake up, go.
Yeah.
Because then I could have done it.
But also with the timing of it being at noon, if I did – when we finished past 7, finished past 8, Nick was like, should we just power through?
And that would have been what I wanted to do.
But if we just powered through, we would have finished at like 9 a.m.
So I was like we can't finish before everyone wakes up.
Like this is the stupidest
thing we have we have so we thought about maybe like adding in a movie and then pushing it back
but i was like in my i didn't ever outright say it but in my head once i realized what the time
was i was like i'm gonna take a nap like this is yeah you can't finish at 8 45 it's be ridiculous
so we should have taken any naps in between what's that. Have you taken any naps in between? What's that? Have you taken any naps in between?
No.
I mean, I was on the verge many a time.
Many a time.
It's crazy what a time warp it is in here with no windows, no nothing.
I'm sitting there for four hours and watching a movie.
Watching TV is fucking nothing to me.
And after the first two movies, I got up to go to the bathroom or whatever.
And I was like, what the fuck?
It's still bright out.
It's like 4 p.m.
Oh, no.
Try working in here every single day.
It's crazy.
It's like it is.
It fucks with you.
It's like I imagine I would have to liken myself to those heroes in the Navy
to take submarine rides and shit like that.
Like people in World War II who were like, we're going over to fucking bomb rush
or whatever the hell they did,
that, I feel like I did that Saturday.
I can meet a World War II sub-vet
and be like, buddy, you and me, we get it.
You get it.
You get it.
And you did it.
These other people out here
fucking seeing daylight all the time
don't understand the shit we had to deal with
in order to watch 963 car accidents, fucking seeing daylight all the time don't understand this shit we had to deal with in
order to watch 963 car accidents 72 times family was said i i mean i used to edit like in well in
the other room which is the same until like 2 a.m and so that i'd be in here from like 10 a.m back
when i like came in on time 10 a.m to 2 a.m and then it would just be like i'd walk out and i'd be like oh my god i
have not seen the daylight for like like mo i can't do the math but you know for a lot of time
i also was um i you know i like popped in like a few times so then i was on my way back home
and it was like 2 30 in the morning or whatever and i was like blackout drunk and i was like we gotta go to the
street we gotta go i was once you left you grabbed a pirate water and left i was like she's coming
back and so then the the people who i was with was like you can you're blackout you cannot like
i'm gonna save you right now you can't do that so see don't listen to those people i know well
i tried not to but you're blackout drunk ever more the reason to come on the stream no apparently it
was like it was past it was like blackout where it's like it's funny but like it was like not
i know the i know the exact state you're talking about like it's kind of sad
like some things some things that you pushed way
down are coming up but like in a fun like you're trying to be funny about it and i was like we
know what you're doing it's not thinly veiled anymore i would just like come in and kill the
vibes of the street um we can tell you're working through stuff. Nick's like, I'm going to clip that out.
I will say that about being on the stream post-Mincy.
Was it PM?
PM, yeah.
It was like every time I was like,
I don't know.
There's a little more.
What were you holding back?
Like nothing.
But like, what was it?
Nick said something.
He's like, I'll try not to say it.
Nick said something where he was like, what was it?
Oh, it was in Too Fast, Too Furious.
Because we knew Chrissy Teigen was in one.
And we were like, oh, let's see if Chrissy Teigen.
We later found out it's just her boobs.
She said that.
She's never actually in it. I was there for this. Thank you for remembering. And Nick was like, is that Chrissy Teigen? And I was like, oh, let's see if Chrissy Teigen. We later found out it's just her boobs. She said that. She's never actually in it.
I was there for this.
Thank you for remembering.
And Nick was like, is that Chrissy Teigen?
And I was like, no.
Wait, that was me?
That was you?
Okay.
In my defense, I was sitting there.
I could barely see the screen.
And so I was like, maybe it looked like a really young Chrissy Teigen.
Yeah, I mean, it is 20 years ago.
It was like the face shape, but it was nothing to do with
anything else.
It is also weird
how just saying
someone looks alike
became like
borderline racist.
People say I look like
someone all the time.
I'm not offended by it.
You're white, yes.
I had that moment
with the I am 12 guy.
I was like,
I know for a fact it is.
And I was like,
and I kind of like said it,
I was like,
I think it's the I am 12 guy.
I was like, I hope he's right, I hope he's right, I hope he's right. And I double checked it is. And I was like, and I kind of like said it, I was like, I think it was, yeah, I'm a tall guy. I was like,
I hope he's right,
I hope he's right,
I hope he's right.
And I double checked
on my phone,
I was like,
hey,
fuck.
It seems like it is,
it's him.
All right,
those are the moments
I mean,
where I was like,
woo,
all right,
we dodged a bullet.
Your two moments.
I definitely,
I definitely.
That's why we shouldn't
be allowed on a log screen.
A professional should be doing it.
I definitely,
PM,
postmancycy Or I guess
BC
Whatever
I am now very careful about
How
I say
We hit
Nick
Hamilton
Like Nick
Is
Like there was one time
Where it got
It got
It like
Then somebody like
I was like what did she say
It got like whatever
And now I'm like I just don't say We gotta got like whatever, and now I'm like, I just don't say it.
We've got to come up with a new name for him.
Hamilton.
Called Nick at all times, except for when there's like,
what is it like in Spanish where you change the preposition
or whatever they're called?
And it's always Nick, Nick, Nick.
And then when he's going to do something, is Hamilton is.
But we can't be rolling the dice like that anymore.
I was telling you that I joined you in the wee hours in the morning, like 3 a.m.,
and then fell asleep and woke up with you for the morning.
A bizarre amount of people said they did.
That was us.
Dan texted me and said he just watched me snore for a while
I have no problem
doing the live streams
I might start doing them more often
because people are like it's very comforting
just like watching someone
exist
which really highlights how alone we all are
apparently I was snoring like a motherfucker
which Dan was like it was oddly soothing and I was like yeah that a motherfucker Which Dan was like
It was oddly soothing
And I was like yeah that's my fucking trick with the ladies
It's very jarring at first
But eventually it becomes a sound machine
And I can't sleep without it
I'm running back to old Johnny boy
I haven't slept in four days
Please get back with me
You're always coming back.
Oh, my God.
I have been waking up to myself snoring,
which is not supposed to be happening
because of the nose job,
so we might have to get two nose jobs.
Get another nose job?
I'm not going to get another nose job,
but, like, I'm not supposed to be snoring.
Like, you snore so loud, you wake up?
No, but, like, I'll wake up,
and it'll be, like, a cute snore, like, for sure, but, like, I'll wake up. like But no But like I'll wake up And it'll be like
A cute snore
Like for sure
But like
I'll wake up
Sure
I'll wake up
And I'll be like
That
I definitely woke up
From a snore
I do that
I do that
But I almost use my snore
As my reverse alarm clock
Where I'll
I'll fall asleep on my couch
Like half asleep
And I'll wake up
From a snore And I'll be like Okay my couch like half asleep, and I'll wake up from a snore,
and I'll be like, okay, time to go to bed.
Like I will just run until I start snoring, and then my snorer will wake me up,
and I'll go, okay, it's bedtime now.
It's actually really, really useful.
It is a nice skill to have.
All right, next topic topic how uncomfortable was uh
the massage oh i forgot about that i'm in so much pain right now like my neck's all
fucked up lower back's a mess shout out peter really nice guy uh i hope i never see him ever
again in my whole life it was we might actually need to get him back because we have that massage sketch
oh yeah
we can run that back
with him
dude it was like
it was like
uh
for example
do you remember
I don't know if anyone
watched but like
at one point I asked him
is this the weirdest
situation you've ever
had to give a massage in
and he just went
no
and I was like
can you elaborate did you sign an NDA and he just didn't and i was like can you elaborate you signed an nda and he just didn't
acknowledge that question what do you think the weirdest possible i do it's pretty hard to come
with a weirder situation than fucking massaging a dude on the live stream watching fast and furious
i'll say this they're both true it's the most uncomfortable I've ever been during a massage. It's also maybe the best massage I've ever gotten.
Really?
Because he wasn't trying to rough me up.
This is the first time I've ever had a massage where they roughed me up.
If you go back, I'm shaking.
It was not a gentle massage.
And I was like, oh, okay.
When people are trying to be sensual Or relaxing with it
I feel like I'm going over the speed bump
At one point he's like
Man you're so tense
Just relax
There's never been a more impossible request
Than this in the world
You asking me
Also doing the whole thing
My head wasn't in the face hole
I was trying to watch the movie still
There was one point that was very funny where it was just like,
he's, like, making figure shots.
Carson, Carson.
I know you didn't watch any of the clips probably,
but, like, when you were getting massaged,
Nick put on, like, the speed filter where it had, like, the horizontal line.
That was so fucking funny to watch.
He was roughing me up.
But again, my body was ajar how it's not supposed to be.
So I think that threw everything out of whack.
I'm in pain today.
I'm not in a good spot.
But whatever.
What else we got?
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Oh!
The team Harry and Meghan Train rolls on.
Oh, shit.
Did you see that?
So, I'm going to first quote with what happened.
They got fired from Spotify.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
They did... Wait, was this supposed to be the podcast that they were
supposed to like tell all the secrets or like 20 million for it was it no this is just megan
markles okay so by they i don't know maybe harry still has his deal megan markles podcast got
canceled it's called archetype archetype um megan markles podcast produced just 12 episodes
in a 20 million dollar contract. The Wall Street Journal
suggests that she may not earn the full amount
after not meeting productivity clauses.
Pod News has heard from multiple sources that some
interviews on the show were done by
staffers with her questions
edited in afterwards.
These motherfuckers are gangsters,
dude. That is
such an awesome move to have
like Serena Williams come in and be like,
fucking talk, like, I'm not doing this shit.
Wait, wait.
So they would have, like, Megan wouldn't be asking.
I was not fully paying attention to that.
Sorry.
But Megan, like, wouldn't be asking the questions.
They would just have staffers.
Yeah.
Okay, okay.
And, like, in particular, Serena Williams, I went to look at who the guests were.
She has a pretty big guest.
Like, I don't know, no one that really gets me going.
But, like, she had Serena Williams.
She had Mindy Kaling.
She had Paris Hilton.
I forget.
A few others.
Yeah.
But the Serena episode was about ambition.
Yeah.
And I just love picturing, like, some staffer being like,
so Serena, ambition's tough, right?
While Meghan Markle's napping in the other room.
Why couldn't you just do it, though?
Look, if we want to ruin the joke,
I would imagine that Meghan Markle did those interviews.
And then there were probably Like that's not crazy
Like on a news report
That like
You know like the host is talking about something
And they kind of just like splice in
In answer from an interviewer
Like it's not
I can't think of any other news host but Tucker Carlson
But say Tucker's talking about some subject
And they're like
We talked to the expert
on fucking genealogy and then just like cuts to the gene the expert saying something yeah and they
cut back to tucker like does that make you want to want to get to the level where i'm just with
the thing asking them questions while you're napping in the corner it makes me want to get
to 20 million dollars bro you hear all the podcasts when it gets thrown around.
Where the fuck is it?
Dude, Spotify, fucking call us.
I will leave this company due fucking seconds, bro.
What the fuck?
I'll do so many more than 12 podcasts.
We do like eight podcasts a week here.
It is crazy.
We like just somehow started.
It's insane how many podcasts we do. We only put out three.
When you do the interviews, we probably do six podcasts, podcasts seven podcasts a week here which that isn't even hard
but it's a lot more than meggy markel did in a full year we like did the math and like i think
i've been here for like significantly less than everyone here i think i put out more podcasts than
anybody at the company because i've i've just we put out so much fucking content a week it is it's
bizarre it's i'd argue it's too much we should probably
do way fucking less but we're scared to say no so anytime someone's like do you want to interview
this person we say sure bring him in um we should be more exclusive probably but whatever you throw
a name at us come on in um speaking of that we did get a guest from the fast stream who is
it's not it's not an actor but, but it's probably the biggest name.
It's the biggest name you don't know in Fast and Furious.
We'll bleep it out.
It's –
Oh, no way.
He reached out to you?
His assistant emailed and was like, that's awesome.
Like, you want him on the show?
Which I actually think is sneaky going to be.
You should try and be in the next one.
You think that's not the first thing I thought of?
Oh, I didn't know.
I didn't know about that.
Oh, my God.
Bro, I've had literal dreams already.
That happened Saturday afternoon.
I've had already had dreams about me and Vin on the red carpet.
Yeah, I wouldn't admit that to people.
No, it's already done.
Luckily, this isn't going anywhere.
That's so true.
But, yeah.
It's just so funny to see you.
So, homie, it's family. If I could get one line you. So homie is family.
If I could get one line, if I could say family.
That's what I was saying, and that's what they should have you in for.
It's about family.
Family.
Was that Paul Walker edit that I sent you about the hottest?
The other thing while we're talking about spotify
this is a thing that's been going on forever but it's it's being talked about right now
so i've been thinking about it the if the the rogan thing we're like rogan's trying to have
someone debate robert Jr. Yeah.
Bro.
Again, it's been happening forever.
This online culture, I suppose, of debate me.
What?
People just like, why don't you debate me?
Why don't you debate me?
Yeah.
If your response to debate me is anything other than,
why don't you stop being a fucking dork?
Like, why would anyone debate anybody? Yeah. That's crazy to be like, why don't you debate me is anything other than why don't you stop being a fucking dork? Like, why would anyone debate anybody?
That is, that's crazy
to be like, why don't you debate me?
Fucking, why don't you shut up, dude?
No, I'm not debating you.
It's kind of like the thing that, I think it was your college room
or something like that, where you were like, fight me?
You know, whenever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have, I don't know
why I've been running into that so recently, but like,
I'm just like, every time I get frustrated, I was like, fight me.
And they'll be like, why don't you debate me?
Debate me is an insane thing to just say.
Like, if you were in debate club in high school,
and you said to someone, debate me, they'd stuff you in a locker.
You're a fucking dork if you're throwing out.
If you've ever said to somebody, why don't you debate me?
You're a loser.
Like, flat out.
And I know Roggan didn't say
it rogan i i understand the fucking reasoning behind it if you have robert kennedy debating
someone about i don't know what vaccines or whatever the fuck they were still talking about
but like if you say debate me me personally which again i understand rogan didn't say
it sounds like you're saying the baby. DaBaby? I thought you were talking about DaBaby for the first thing.
Why don't you DaBaby me on that topic?
Why don't you stop being a fucking loser, bro?
I don't understand.
I really thought you were talking about DaBaby for a long period of this.
I was trying to figure out how DaBaby has anything to do with Joe Rogan or any of this.
You thought I was talking about DaBaby the whole time.
I've been talking about DaBaby the whole time.
Debate me.
Why don't you debate me?
Has anybody seen my DaBaby? or any of this you thought about the baby debate me as anybody has been wait sorry to change the
subject as anybody seen my the baby i made tiktok about it didn't go viral whatever but as anybody
heard about my like in in college there was like this boy who i was obsessed with and for some
reason like he would only text me when i was playing the baby and so so like for for like
like the first time i don't know why I was like even jamming out
to DaBaby but I'm sorry to completely change hijack the topic and talk about DaBaby but I
I like first time I'm listening no no don't don't don't don't don't um and then I don't know why
but he texted me didn't think anything of it second time playing DaBaby again I don't know why, but he texted me. Didn't think anything of it. Second time, playing DaBaby again.
I don't know why I'm listening to DaBaby so much.
He texted me again, and I was like, that's a funny coincidence.
Third time, I'm playing DaBaby again, and he texts me again.
And I was like, and this was, like, the only, like, three times I was playing DaBaby.
So I was like, there's something.
Like, DaBaby is, like, it's some kind of, like, seance thing or whatever.
Like, I don't know
what so then like all of like that that freshman year or whatever i would like i would just like
turn on the baby and then look at my phone and hope that he would text me and i thought i would
have like these like the baby seances where i was like it was so crazy i was so crazy like i would
just turn on the baby and i would just like look at my
phone and be like is he gonna text me is he gonna text me and then there was one time it wasn't
it wasn't a baby but it was like little baby like featuring little baby and i was like okay
so something about babies it was a bad time in my life i was really really obsessed with it
these are the moments that come out when you're black keep saying baby and your friends are like we know what you're saying
anyways so um yeah have you guys ever had something like that no no i would delete uh
snapchat for like two days and it'd be like
in hopes of like a girl would like that i wanted to like text me back would snapchat me back so i
would delete it and then two days would go by like so you wouldn't weren't waiting for it and every
time that i redownloaded it it was like i wouldn't get a snapchat but then 10 minutes later i would
get a snapchat that was like my kind of i don't understand what you guys are talking about wait
you don't understand my baby thing i don't understand the baby thing i don't understand the snapchat
thing the snapchat thing the snapchat thing was kind of like a reset like if like i was like not
getting responses you were hoping it's like when you're when you don't even care but i don't even
care so i'm like i'll delete it fucking and then when i would pick it back up i wouldn't get one
but that would kind of i guess like reset it for me and then i would get a snapchat i actually get
that from a girl's perspective that's really frustrating to be like i snapchat him and then I would get a Snapchat. I actually get that. From a girl's perspective, that's really frustrating to be like, I Snapchat him and then two days later, like...
Yeah.
But yeah, it's a little different.
I'd be like, okay.
Did you ever even have Snapchat?
No, I had...
I, like, never used...
I had it for, like, a very brief period of time.
That was the first app where I was like,
nah, I'm out.
I'm not doing this.
Do you ever go on TikTok
or you don't even have it on your phone?
I don't even have it on my phone.
I get so fucking annoyed
when people text me TikToks
because it opens right to the app store.
So I have to go back
and fucking hit in the top corner.
There's a little thing that like,
you go to the website
and then when you go to the mobile TikTok,
it fucking,
there's tons of stuff in the way of the videos.
You can't really see it.
So I just like it.
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This reminds me because now I have a bunch of like – sorry to cut you off.
Now I have a bunch of like Tim Riggins edits or whatever.
But now what do you think the best, the most like believable TV couple is?
I think Tim Riggins and Lila.
Really?
Yeah.
Like, season three, they're so cute.
Great actors, then.
But they did date.
They did date, but not for most of the show.
Most of the show, they hated each other.
What?
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah.
It actually is funny where she wrote a memo on it.
Yeah, I remember that.
No, but apparently it was really good.
I mean, was anyone clamoring for Minka Kelly's memoir?
Like, I gotta read what Minka Kelly's life was like.
I don't know.
I think that she's pretty cool.
Do you?
What do you know about Minka Kelly?
I don't know anything about Minka Kelly.
Maybe I would want to know.
Wait, when did she do this?
Very recently.
Okay.
And she wrote in it that they had a very toxic relationship,
which got the screen grabs and the headlines and stuff like that.
And then when you read the excerpt, it's like, I don't know,
you were in a relationship in your 20s.
It was like, we'd fight and then we'd get back together.
And then we'd fight and we'd get back together and then she was like but everyone on set like once we broke up
they liked him and they'd like go out for beers with him and i had to just like handle it alone
it was like it sounds like you broke up and everyone liked him better and hung out with him
like would you would you break up, you gotta choose one of them.
You don't have to, but most of the time people choose one of them.
Yeah, maybe you should have made more friends, been more likable or whatever.
Been more likable would have been a good one.
Or be Tim Riggins.
Tim Riggins is fucking cool.
People like him.
No shit, they want to get beers with him.
So true.
Shout out to him.
Come on the pod.
Okay, well, I think that they're a really believable couple. I think Coach Taylor and Tammy knocked him come on the pod uh okay well i thought that i think that they're
like a really believable couple so maybe i think coach taylor and tammy knocked them out so true
actually yeah that's a good point coach taylor and tammy are like the prototypical not prototypical
not stereotypical the like yeah yeah for no i i'm picking up what you're putting down i also think
it's like they they're
good um sometimes i freak out i'm like oh my god like when i get married it's like the love's gonna
die like the honeymoon phase is gonna be like over whatever and like it makes me like not want
to get married but then but then it's like seeing them it's like wait but then it's just it's like
a partnership like they're really good like partners they're they're very good partners but that i'd even say they're they're definitively
great partners i'd even like i the as far as the partnership goes like there is still a hierarchy
there's a you know a tandem can work well together in a partnership but still one's the boss
she's the boss like yeah which i think is like the perfect example of big – not big, but tough, gruff guy.
And guess what?
She runs you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tammy Taylor is the matriarch.
There is no patriarch in the Taylor household.
I respect that when she becomes a principal, she just – he's like, you're fucking me over by every decision you make.
And she's like, sorry.
What do you want me to do about that?
Which is funny, too, where you reverse the roles and it's just like which is funny too where like you flip you reverse the
roles and it's just like i don't give a fuck yeah all right he's really mean
i don't give a fuck tammy shut Shut up. Like, Jesus Christ. He's a little aggressive.
There actually was, like, that one.
I wonder if they, um, I think, like, when he was talking about moving.
I'm so pink today.
Or whatever.
Yeah, you do look pink.
Like, crazy pink.
Why do you look so pink?
I don't know.
I think it's the hat, the orange hat.
Is it?
Yeah.
And the pale colors.
It's not your coloring.
You should get your colors, uh, uh, tested.
I should get my colors tested? You should get your colors tested. I should get my colors tested?
You should get your colors tested.
What is that?
Like this?
Not your colors.
Not your coloring.
This white and tan, not?
But I think because those are like very summery colors, and you should go for more of like
winter colors.
You seem like a winter color.
Well, I sure am.
But here's the problem.
It's the summer.
Yeah, well, then you're screwed.
I don't know what to tell you about that.
You can wear winter colors, just like summer clothes in the winters, whatever.
I've also seen a lot of TikToks about this.
I should get on.
I was watching this, like, what color white works on your skin tone.
And it's like people are broken down into three different whites.
It's like a cool white, a warm white, and like a...
That's it.
That's it.
Exactly.
And I honestly, I looked myself in the mirror for like 30 minutes i was like i don't know what
fucking white i am i was like dude i think i changed my mind like what type of white am i
i gotta know what t-shirt to buy for the summer
i gotta find this tiktok wait now i'm fucking curious, obviously, since it's not whatever white.
I don't know what kind of white I am, and I don't know what kind of white I'm wearing.
Wait, I want to show you.
It's like this girl holds up, like, it's the same color, but it's just, like, slightly different hues.
But it completely changes her whole, like, face or whatever when she holds up differently.
It's like there's the cool tone whites, there's the cool tone everything.
Like, this is not your white.
Bro, I love this t-shirt.
I just got a t-shirt.
Now I can never wear it again.
Yeah.
Well, no, it's fine if you want to look, like, you know, medium rare pink steak or whatever.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
This is so impossibly.
This is exactly the Tammy Coates situation.
I was like, Jackie, fucking not.
What the fuck?
Fights is really mean. Yeah, that's true. No, wait. What I was going Jackie fucking not what the fuck fights is really mean
yeah that's true
no wait
what I was gonna say
was there was
Jackie what the fuck
were you thinking
when you got dressed today
you thought that
wait wait wait
you guys do that
all the time
no we just make fun
of meat sweatshirts
no no no
you guys you guys
this is like a difference
between like making fun of
like what
you're wearing
versus who you are
like you're like you're like that just doesn't
work that's true like i'm saying like your issue you can take this off and fix it at any time
i can't fix my skin color no but you but you guys will always be like this well
no it's not racist it's just it's just like you should go in the sun or something.
Or, I don't know.
It's racist.
You can't really change it.
It's just a skin tone.
You guys always say, you're like, why are you such a slob?
You guys will go in on it as if it were a personality thing.
You guys go pretty harsh on whatever I wear.
It's just, I don't think I comment on anything more than this. Kevin goes harder.
He goes in harder.
I mean, it is a difficult conversation to have
while you sit here in two completely different socks.
No.
But you have a brown sock and a pink sock on.
I know, I know, but I don't take it like that.
You look like a kid's carton of chocolate milk and strawberry milk.
Okay, but do you, that's my thing is I don't, I'm not,
I'm done with matching socks. It's a done with matching socks it's a waste of time it's always i get that but like there's a level
to like not caring about matching socks well i didn't think i was really gonna see anybody today
that was like can we just hold them up for the camera you gotta show it they could not be more
different okay i know but like like it's a polka dot and a solid and a pink and a brown.
I know, but I was like,
it's laundry day
and like it's...
I wasn't going to find it.
You do laundry a lot, huh?
Okay, this is the kind of stuff
that you're like,
I'd never comment on your outfits.
I said,
I only did that
because I was attacked.
I returned fire
sitting here getting judged by...
Yeah, yeah.
But again, like...
It very much looks like...
Like, if you put them together,
it looks like a strawberry milk carton.
It does kind of look...
But also, like,
there are pink polka dots on this one,
so it does kind of technically match.
It's not like...
It's like crazy.
You know, like pink...
Yeah, I get what you're saying.
At the same time, it's pretty crazy.
All black again today.
What?
I said all black again today, huh?
Here we go again.
I mean, here we go again.
Commenting on whatever. I... Oh, i oh yeah first of all not on my period
clarify that um and i was wearing the white okay there so i did have that but it was mostly because
i have a fever and so i'm sweating profusely and i didn't want to show that. Which you two, in about two days,
will experience the same thing.
So it's kind of the contention.
Looking forward to it.
Yeah, exactly.
All right, next topic.
What was I going to say?
I just want to say real quick,
I think in La La Land,
Riley Gosling and Emma Stone are also up there with the most
convincing couple. Yeah.
Because they don't work out.
What? Because they don't work out.
Oh, I thought you were like,
they don't work out.
Most of the realistic couples don't
stay together.
Oh my god.
That's the realism.
Tammy and Coach do.
He gives up his dreams for her.
Yeah, Tammy runs the fucking show.
She literally does.
She's like, it's my time now.
He's like, we're 35.
Yeah, yeah.
I was going to say Michael Scott,
but he leaves for her.
Yeah.
He leaves and...
That's right.
So name one that works out that the man doesn't give up everything
because i can't classic that's the way it goes tony stark hangs it up and then he died
not going back to nowhere um okay next topic oh i another thing the internet ruined
i got something today i was in the gym this morning and –
Flags.
Flags.
I was using the incline bench and this girl – I was there first.
Came in front and started stretching.
What can I do?
There's only one incline bench.
I can't move.
And when I say this was sexual stretching
you think she's asking for it no i'm saying like i was like every time i finish i was just like
because i don't like looking at my phone i get so mad when so like if i'm at the gym i just don't
look at my phone i get so mad when i see someone like sitting on a bench playing on their phone
so i keep it like a thing to keep it in my pocket. And it's just one hour every day, no phone.
And so I just sit on the bench and I was like,
I can't look down.
But it's also the only, if my head is straight,
it's the only thing I can look at.
Do you think that she was coming on to you?
No, I don't.
But there's just nothing else I could possibly do.
Other than...
I will say it is hard for guys at the gym.
It was – Jackie was insane.
Yeah.
It was the most – I almost called the police.
Borderlines shouldn't be happening in public.
The drama.
Dude, I can't do it because I'm not flexible enough.
But I'm talking like both legs impossibly – This is as far as I can't do it because I'm not flexible enough But like I'm talking like Like both legs
Impossibly like this is as far as I can go
Arms out and like I can't go back
Any further than this but like
Like
Like that but in the
Fucking you guys get the gist of it
But it was like fast And repetitive and like, and then like switching.
And I was like, this is insane that this is happening right in front of me.
And again, like TikTok is happening.
I'm like, she's probably filming this somewhere.
So like the whole time I was like, it looks like I was autistic for butts.
It was kind of sad.
They're staring at the wall, knocking my head back and forth.
I will say, though, that I think that it's gone too far in the other direction.
With the guy who's on the gym, who does the gym.
Joey Swole?
Yeah, he's the guy who will be like, because there's the girls who will be like, this guy
was being so creepy.
But now it's like, the guy's's like no like it's not you like or he's just taking it too far in the other direction
where it's like but there are a lot of creepy guys at the gym so it's not for sure always like
the no like everything the truth is in the middle exactly but like you know i actually looked like
uh like you ever see like those rides at like
amusement parks whatever they go up and then pause and they come whipping back yeah that's what my
head was i just couldn't keep if i looked straight it looked like i was looking at her and it was
20 minutes of that and it was the most i don't know I just don't know what I'm supposed to do
I just
like bury my head
into my phone
but that
pisses me off so much
when I see someone doing it
I'm like
and like granted
I'm taking the same amount of time
probably
in between like sets and shit
I think you should like
look at your muscles
yeah
look at yourself
look at yourself
but no
there's no mirror in front of us
it was like
there's like a fucking astroTurf, but it's black thing.
And then on the other side of that is like a dance studio, whatever those mirrored studios are.
Yeah.
So there's nowhere to look ahead.
But you can just look like that.
I'd fucking kill myself.
Yeah, no, but you're either a pervert Or you're self obsessed So you can choose one
It's like
Pick a personality
You have two choices
None of them are gonna be good
But you can choose one
I chose autistic
You're like third choice
That is hard
I
I
Like kind of
Sometimes get offended Because a lot of like my friends will
be like oh my god like this guy came up and hit on me at the gym and i literally like never get
somebody like it's because like if you guys think i look like a slob here i look so like i never wear
like anything cute it's like running shorts oversized t-shirt t-shirt or whatever like
it's not cute at all.
I just had a realization the other day where I was like,
maybe I should get a little sluttier with it.
I'm actually going to...
I'm about to be a problem at the gym.
Everyone's about to be autistic at this gym.
You work out like a fucking
and one state basketball player.
Jackie's got a t-shirt on that's like...
What are the fucking t-shirts you say?
Like, you just got schooled.
I hope you learned your lesson.
Whatever the fuck they used to say.
The old Nike ones?
Yeah.
No, I don't think they were Nike.
Were they Nike?
The Nike ones with the bold front.
Oh, yeah.
Like, you can't guard this, period.
And then I had four.
Just these huge fucking gym shorts.
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So that actually leads me into my next thing.
What – it actually leads in perfectly.
What are some things that you get dressed up for that you're like,
why do I care about this so much?
I mean my favorite thing to get dressed up for, which're like why do i care about this so much oh i mean my favorite thing
to get dressed up for which it's it's very common it's just grocery shopping shopping for more
clothes also is my second favorite third uh work honestly work work work same right
jackie doesn't smell test before that's good my least favorite thing to get it to get dressed for is very very fancy
occasions i actually don't care so much for those because there's there's not much wiggle room
because everyone's dressing up so then if you elevate it even more it's like all right you're
trying to go exactly where and if you dread down you're like you're trying a little hard it's like it's almost like everyone's put on a uniform like all right
we're all in suits and ties today you can wear a nicer suit and like that but when you sometimes
i'll pop a pocket square but typically like there's there's not a ton of wiggle room while
staying within the bounds of society without being like all right let's try the on a regular day you
can get dressed up you go oh he looks nice looks nice. He'd try a little bit,
but it's not like
this crazy outfit,
which,
you know,
I violated that before
and will again.
But the,
when everyone,
like a wedding
or something like that,
like everyone's kind of
just in a suit.
Yeah.
But today I got really dressed,
not really dressed,
but like,
today?
No,
I had a doctor's appointment
this morning
and I got dressed for the doctors.
The doctor's like, you are abnormally discolored.
You got dressed for the doctors.
I got dressed, went home, went to the gym, showered, got dressed again.
And I wore a very similar outfit.
That's three outfits today?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, this is outfit three.
But I was like, why do I give a fuck
what I'm wearing
to the doctors right now
yeah that's true
I
it's like
the doctor I think
is like I want to put it in there
like
hey just so you know
I am put together
like
no matter what this fucking
there's not much you need to look for
what this blood says
I'm alright
so I do
oh dude therapy
oh
therapy I would dress up for dress up bro therapy therapy was like
a day on the calendar it's like i would dress up for therapy because if i was talking about like a
boy or something i wouldn't want her to think like well he probably just doesn't like you because
you're ugly so then i wanted to like show like no no no i got he's the crazy one i don't know why he wouldn't fucking want that i had one time that therapist was like
she's like those are nice pants and it was like after a year of seeing her and i was like it's
all been worth it it's all and worth it get into here just a little chinking away at the armor
finally broke through the fourth wall which is like you look great today but people have said
that they didn't care i remember this was a big thing during the pandemic wall, which is like, you look great today. But people have said that they didn't care.
I remember this was a big thing during the pandemic too.
People were like, I don't shower for the therapy.
I'm like, are you kidding me?
It's the only time I get better.
I think it's dressing up for when you're seeing one singular person.
Like getting a beer with one singular one of your boys, you just push the boundaries.
You go a little crazy with it.
And he was like, if it's bad, he'll never.
Only one person saw it. See, I go a little crazy with it. And he was like, if it's bad, he'll never. Only one person saw it.
See, I'd rather more people see it.
Yeah?
I'd rather more people be like.
Because it just says, like, ooh, he's trying a little bit.
He's doing something different.
He's fucking.
He's not just putting on a t-shirt and shorts.
He's going a little different today.
I was actually listening to, like, an audio clip from some podcast.
I saw it on my Twitter.
I could find it. And it was actually the. I an audio clip from some podcast. I saw it on my Twitter. I could find it.
And it was actually the – I'm going to play it because it was like so –
I can't understand – and obviously I like clothes.
But I can't understand people who don't because like no matter what,
your clothes say something about you.
Like they're interesting and they're –
if you don't care, you don't care.
That's fine.
But that says something right there.
But the idea that you can like get dressed in the morning
and like you don't even look in the mirror for just a little bit of like,
oh, all right, and that doesn't –
maybe it's because I have so few bright spots,
but that doesn't have like a little bit of like –
You don't like turn yourself on a little bit.
Like not even like, not turn yourself on, but just like kind of peacock a bit.
Like it is, at its base level, like putting on clothes is like the most animalistic thing we do.
Whereas like the peacocking and like the showing off for a mate.
It's like, it's some primal ass shit.
Putting on a fit.
Yeah.
But.
Yeah, but like animals don't wear clothes,
but they do like they have like a peacock has like,
I guess it's true.
Yeah.
It's not clothes,
but it is like,
it's getting the attention of a mate.
Yeah.
And,
and making yourself feel like your chest out a little bit.
Yeah.
But this,
this clip was like,
it was,
it was very heartwarming to be honest.
It's a,
it's a woman interviewing a prisoner or, prisoner or or an ex-con i forget
one way or the other courts ruled guys in san quentin could keep their clothes but then a few
years later they came up with this thing that we can't take the clothes from you but you can't wear
them anywhere paulie literally told me you can wear your street clothes in your cell but when you step outside that cell
you gotta have cdcr clothes on so when you had just your clothes and you could only wear them
in the cell were there any times that you just put them on to feel good i did i did
that's crazy i did used to do that, man.
I just get dressed up in my cell.
And you know what I'm saying?
You ain't got no big mirror, but look at myself in the mirror.
And then look at me and me present around my cell with my little outfits on.
I think that's cool as fuck.
That is cool.
I love the term little outfits on.
It's like just like keeping like a piece of humanity.
All right, this is all I can do. This is all I can show, but like makes me feel like a little of humanity all right this is all i can do is all
i can show but like makes you feel like a little bit of a person right that's actually true i um
i remember like when i was in like sixth grade going to a soccer trial my mom was like
this sounds fucked up i guess maybe i was like seventh eighth grade she was like you should put
on like a little bit of makeup and i was like what the fuck did you say to me and she was like you should put on like a little bit of makeup and i was like what did you say to me she was like you just are gonna feel more confident if you look more put together and
like that really like ingrained that in me probably again now that i'm saying it out loud
it like is not it probably is not great to say to like a sixth grader but so now it's like if i
have to go to like for all my soccer, I would go like full face makeup.
Like if we had a big game, I would go like full face makeup.
Like if I have an interview for something, even like if it was – I don't know.
Like I guess obviously an interview.
But like there's certain things where it's like – or if I was going to go like fight with a friend or something, I would put on so that I would like –
Your war paint.
I like my war paint or whatever.
I mean it's probably probably the origin of war paint
where you want to
look more badass
you feel more confident
I think the origin
of war paint
isn't that like
sun
camouflage
and stuff
no
I think
like eye black
for like
I mean do you really think
the cross players
need eye black
they put it on
to feel cooler
oh
but the origin
of war paint
is like
they were using colors and shit.
It wasn't.
Yeah, but wasn't that, like, to camouflage?
But they were using, like, colors.
Oh.
It was not really camouflage.
Yeah, like, yeah, if you look at, like, a video of, like, the SEALs coming in at night right now, and they're all, like, they're in blackface.
The troops are racist. But like, like if you like, you know, like the commercials,
like,
like the seal,
like popping out of the water,
like,
yeah, that's to,
to conceal yourself.
But if you look at like Native American war,
yeah,
look at what you think that was.
So he didn't get seen on the battlefield.
Well,
there's also some like Native American.
I think Native American is the birth of war pain.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's true.
That's kind of like peacocking. Yeah. And I think Native American is the birth of war pain. Yeah, that's true. That's kind of like peacocking.
Yeah, and I think, again, I think that's just
to be like, you're going into battle. Might as well
feel fucking pretty good. So true!
How did you not get that when I first said that?
Yeah, you said that, but sometimes, again, I'm just a little
slow.
Which also, you didn't like
when I did the processing problem
whatever, and you were like, what is a processing problem?
But it's like, what do you think a processing problem is?
It's you have trouble processing.
Processing.
I understand that.
I think I'm slow with everything.
Yeah, but there's just already a word for it.
Like it's just you're saying you're using too many words to describe a word that exists.
No, I think that there's a difference between a processing problem i actually had a psychiatrist
who like who like diagnosed she was like she was like i'm pretty sure that you have a processing
issue but like i'm not gonna dive into that and i was like well that is your job can we go back
i feel like that would would solve all my problems if we figured it out.
Anyways.
So sum up a processing problem in a word for me.
Well, so, for example, when I was driving, there would be a red light.
It would change.
But the changing of the lights, I just couldn't figure that out.
So I would just run every single red light.
Okay.
So let's take you out of the situation.
Okay?
There's this person.
And every time they see a red light, they just run it.
They're like, fuck it.
I don't even get what this light means.
And they just drive through.
Wait, what do you mean?
Like, what would you call that?
I know what you're trying to get at.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's something, because I know what a red light is.
A racer.
No, I know what a red light is just a few
seconds after so so like and then like during soccer practices it was really sad like sometimes
my coach would have me like sit out a little bit so i could watch the drill so i could like get it
because if i was in the front of the line like at first like i would i would have like a panic
attack and like i would screw it up every single time so then after a while he'd be like jackie like you can watch this one for a little
bit it was so sad and then testing i was like the slowest test taker ever every single one of my
teachers had to pull me aside and be like have you gone tested for like something because like
this is abnormally slow like i for like the no no i'm not you're not helping your game
it's like i would do well just slower
i got this problem.
It's like every time I see a red light, I just press the gas.
And I can't.
When people explain things to me, I don't understand it.
And tests take a really long time.
So long that teachers have to pull me aside and ask if I need more time.
My therapist told me it was a very difficult thing to explain,
so we're just going to skip it altogether.
No, no, no.
You're taking that all out of context.
Maybe that was exactly... I think I'm putting it into context for you
because you have a hard time processing it.
No, no, no no no no but like also if you do see me cut cameras like it is like two seconds later that like when you guys say something i'll just like
have it on the one person until like it takes me a while but no no no i'm not
i'm not i'm not you know
what you're getting at
I'm not getting anything I'm just stating facts
like
the sun's out it's day time
I can see how you could take my words
and twist them a little bit
so it's
I don't know
what the mainstream media does they just take my words
and they twist them up on me
that's exactly what he said I think actually if I got I don't know. What the mainstream media does, they just take my words and they split them up on me.
That's exactly what I said.
I think actually if I got,
I have a theory,
if I were to go and get a brain scan,
they would be like,
it is crazy that you made it this far in life.
Because I really think in school I would work,
yeah.
No, and everything I say
is just going to make it worse.
Please proceed.
Just like I would always have to go in every single day at lunch, yeah no and everything i say is just gonna make it worse please proceed just like just like i
would always have to like go in like every single day at lunch go in after school like to the
teachers to be like like i would never pay attention in class i would just have to teach
myself like everything after because i was just like i just didn't get it i i could have like a
learning disability but i would love to get a brain scan one day just to be like i i've talked about it before on here
the you're not too far off either oh no you got tested twice right oh yeah that's right but also
the like a pivotal moment of my life was i was watching boy me's world and the oldest brother
eric i think his name was, who's not the brightest bulb.
And he gets a brain.
He's part of a sleep study.
And he gets a brain scan.
And I think the sleep study happened at school, which is bizarre.
But they do a brain scan and they finish.
And the doctors are like, we've never seen anything like this before.
You showed no brain activity and i was like that's
what i do like it was like you didn't have any dreams you didn't have any thoughts you didn't
have any anything and like i was like a kid i was probably late i mean early teens and like
like i'm not even like you've never like had? I have them very, very, very sparingly.
But I was like, yeah, I don't do that either.
Am I, like, the big dumb brother?
Isn't that the sign of, like, a sociopath or something?
Probably.
Yeah.
I wouldn't doubt that.
You would doubt I'm a sociopath?
Would you doubt that you're a sociopath?
I think I'd doubt it. Actually, more and more I're a sociopath? I think I doubt it.
Actually, more and more I'm like, no.
I think you're fine.
I think I would doubt that I'm a sociopath.
Pabst and I were talking about...
I cried on a stream the other day.
That is actually true.
Yeah, actually it is true.
I feel like from face value, I'm like, this guy has no emotions or whatever.
And then like, you're actually...
I actually, and this is probably pretty sociopathic,
I turn on the emotions I'm supposed to have.
No, that is definition.
You're doing what I just said.
I know.
I know.
But like, I'm just like, okay, you're supposed to be sad right now.
It's crazy. Do you have thoughts killing people?
No
We actually talked about paths and I are trying to work on our awkwardness. Mm-hmm. It's not going well
It's gotten fucking so much worse ever since we started i know
i know you can't you can't admit it or else it's just like it's worse we looked it up on google
how to not be awkward watching tutorials what's the tip one it was like just like maintain eye
contact and everything but like eye contact is something it's like once you say it then like you
can't holding back intrusive thoughts is like another one i i'd argue don't do that i think that's a better way to and kind of just puts it out there yeah like
this is who i am you're either gonna like it or not yeah yeah it'd be cool if i was just like cool
like if i like didn't have to be like, no, like you, this conversation is going to make you uncomfortable.
I'm going to make you uncomfortable.
I will, I will say something at the beginning of a conversation.
I was like, I didn't like that.
And then the conversation will go on 30 minutes and I won't understand, like nothing will really go back to me because all I'm thinking about is that first thing that I said.
So I'm just nodding yes and no's for the rest of the conversation.
Just thinking about that first thing.
But here's the thing with that.
I'll just like mix the conversation.
Sorry, I keep interrupting.
No, you're okay.
I only do that with people
I'm not comfortable with.
Like people that I'm not close friends with.
But I think the problem
is that everyone has told you
that that's weird.
Yeah.
That's not weird.
That's fucking a normal reaction.
That's how people are like,
fuck, I don't know why I should have said that.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like that's normal. That's not weird. That's fucking a normal reaction. That's how people are like, fuck. I don't know why I should have said that. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Like, that's normal.
That's not weird.
That's very normal.
Okay.
Yeah, that's true.
Do you ever, I mean, this is so common.
You said you did.
Like, you think about something you did earlier that day.
And you'll just be, like, walking there.
And you'll see, you're like, motherfucker.
Like, say it out loud.
Yeah.
You have to, like, get it out.
Like, almost like, fuck.
That's so big, too.
TikTok is, like, you guys fucking be like, oh, yeah. Like, you guys ever, like, regret saying something like like fuck that's like dude tiktok is like you guys fucking be like oh yeah like you guys ever like regret saying something that's you have social whatever
anxiety like no dude yeah i'm saying that i couldn't get out of my head it was fucking awkward
that's a regular reaction to saying something weird that's so true that's so true yeah
other than the processing problem. I'm completely normal.
But I will like nix a conversation.
Like if it's just, if I say one thing bad, I'll be like, I'm just going to be awkward.
Like throughout this whole situation, I'll just end up, oh, I have to go or something like that.
I'm like just feeling like I will get out of a conversation because I'll be like, there's no way I can turn this around right now I'll do like I'll just play chicken where I'll just like I'll just I'll sit on the phone in
silence yeah but that's and you'll go all right doesn't that make you want to crawl out of your
skin kind of until I just let myself drown in it like sociopath like at first i'm like this is weird this is weird like whatever just watch tv
you are like very comfortable with the silence i prefer it yeah it is it's actually like i'm
glad you guys are sitting here because i was like i don't know what we're gonna do on this podcast
i'm gonna say like three things and i'll be done i only talk when prompted. I'm fine. I only talk when prompted.
That's very funny.
It does.
It makes me like feel bad about talking to you off air ever.
Like I'm like,
he doesn't want to be doing this right now.
Which is true,
but I respect it.
Like I'm like,
I don't have to talk to him right now.
There was a thing the other day where like,
uh,
what was it?
I was talking to Kevin and I like,
I accidentally hit my phone to the left,
and you know how they have those news stories?
And you scroll to the left, it's like the news thing.
And the top story was like I screenshotted it.
Because I was like, here, because Kevin and I are going to get fired this year.
Oh, I didn't screenshot it.
I just sent it to Kevin.
Three Irish islands will pay you over $86,000 to move there.
And I was like, this is all I'm walking in the ocean with.
They're going to fucking pay me to do what I actually want to do.
So you guys better beat the Irish islands.
That'd be sick.
This fucking show is over.
I'm going to live with a donkey on an island.
We don't know how to compete with that I actually remember when
I first moved here
when I was first an intern
everyone was in the room and then everyone just left
and it was just you and me in the room and I was like fuck
and I think I brought up something
so like how's it going
and people were just like good I was so scared of you I was like, so like, how's it going? We're just like, good.
I was so scared of you.
I was like,
never,
ever talk to him ever.
But it was good.
It was just like,
I was just like,
I don't have to bring anything up.
Like he doesn't like,
he's fine with silence,
but I was so scared of you.
You're making me sound like an asshole.
I'm not an asshole.
You're very nice,
but like,
it was just like,
you cringe at everything that you say.
And I remember times as an intern
I would like go home
like fucking
I was the cringiest
as possible
today I'm like
I don't think I'm ever
going to speak
ever again
I would be like
I'm never speaking
ever again
hold yourself to it
and I'd walk in
the next morning
and just tell everybody
about my knife
like why'd you do it again
I did it again like overtill next morning and just tell everybody about my night okay last thing before we do am i the
asshole um i don't know how this came up today but a thought that popped into my mind what is
the like one line that everyone should have in their dating profile if it's accurate?
Oh, that's a good one.
And I obviously have a line that I thought would be the most appealing thing to me.
Yeah.
If I'm reading a dating profile and all this stuff.
And if the about me was just
everything I like,
I like the appropriate amount.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
There are people now who just like things.
And I'm sure it's been forever.
It's just more out there now.
But just such a bizarre amount.
Where you can't just be like...
And I understand this sounds weird
for someone who just watched 25 Hours of Fast and Furious. But i don't do that in my spare time kids you have tattooed on
you all these things i did on cameras like if you if you're just regularly hanging out with me
anything you bring up that i like i like it the appropriate amount it's not gonna be weird
you're not gonna like walk into the house one day and see me crying or masturbating to Fast and Furious.
I just like it as much as a normal person should like it.
Okay.
So you want in the profile to say everything I like?
About me.
Everything I like, I like the appropriate amount.
Everything I hate, I hate the appropriate amount.
Nothing consumes me.
I'm just a normal person.
That's good.
I do like that a lot.
I would say – I have always wanted to like something a lot though. I do like that a lot. I would say –
I have always wanted to like something a lot though.
I've never been able to land on it.
Like I like something and I'm like I like it.
I don't love anything specifically.
But I've always been jealous of those people that are like obsessed with something.
I pity them.
Really?
Yeah.
To be like that obsessed with one thing is –
I guess like when it becomes your entire life
that's like like disney adults like that's gross anything to that level but like like you really
really love fast and furious i really i i i really really like fast you really really like
fast and furious i don't think i really really like anything specifically i will say real quick
points against me for processing problem is i'm not like really good at anything i'm not like really you know how like sometimes it's like when you're lacking somewhere else like
you're really good like piano or something like that like i'm not i'm not just sadder when i say
it again i'm not like really good like i don't have any really like big loves or anything like
that either but i think that's normal too. I think it's very normal
to be not very good at anything.
And you don't really care about anything that much.
And then you just die.
Yeah, but does that make us less interesting people?
I don't think so. I think it makes
you less interesting when it's like...
Your one thing is obsessed with one thing.
I agree with that completely.
Every book written about somebody,
every movie written about somebody,
it's like like
mozart probably pretty interesting guy for a minute actually probably not yeah i'll be
fucking miserable like by the by halfway through dinner you better enough with the fucking music
dude like what else is going on when i was reading um up on how to be less awkward
mozart bitch when i was reading up on how to be less awkward when we were doing that that study day it was have a little bit of interest in everything and not just one thing and that's
why you'll be able to make conversation with anybody so we're actually jack of all trades
master or not that's the move yeah we're pretty cool then yeah you guys are all set
stop looking at tiktok it's google you can scroll through tiktok for an hour and be diagnosed with six different things
yeah that's so true um wait i'm trying to think though of dating profiles up if they don't have
like a joke anywhere like oh i would not know but like i don't want them to take themselves
too seriously like but it doesn't have to be like a like a cheesy joke just like something that's
like just i don't want it to be like if it it's like your love, like what do you love?
Like they're like hiking, like, you know, reading a book.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, that's a bad example.
But like if you're taking the prompts or anything too seriously, I'm like.
What if it's like love?
Hopefully you.
No.
If it's in a funny way.
My answer is no.
If it's in a funny way. If it's like funny way if it's like yeah i don't know i
would never go for a joke i would really never write that's too high risk high reward yeah you
gotta get to the table and then we can talk but like on it like it doesn't it's it's the same
thing with texting and shit like it might not land like it's you might not get my tone i'd rather
just like play it straight so you're just having
to get to the table and then we'll work out but i don't know if you're gonna get to the table if
it's like you i guess yeah i don't know i take it like you i have a better chance of getting
the table playing it straight i think okay not not oh not too straight but just like i'm not i'm
not gonna be like here i'm gonna be funny here yeah and then you get to the table all right fucking funny guy let's go yeah make me laugh that's true this is gonna be
date three i'm gonna make you laugh if someone was making a joke in a dating profile i'd be like
oh they're like the person that like always has to be on and yeah it's always putting on a show
and like that's not interesting i i there was a few guys who like in their profile would be like
it'd be like, I promise
like I'll make you laugh or something like that.
And I almost wanted to go on the date with them because I was like, I want to see like,
like anybody who has on the profile is not going to be funny.
So it's like, I want to see like, and I want to not laugh at all the entire time.
I don't know why.
I just like really want to like destroy them and be like, you're not fucking funny.
Just so you
know i hang out with professional funny people all day not a career for you take it out your profile
i don't even mean us i mean comedians um how do you feel about a guy jackie quick question on
dating um apps guy that like i whenever i had a dating profile i never had a solo picture i think
that's an insane person move For a guy to have
A solo picture
What?
No I hate it
When there's not solo pictures
Cause then you're like
Who the fuck are you?
But you're just the same guy
In every picture
Yeah
A solo picture
Is fucking insane
That's making me like
Dude where's Waldo
On your profile
Like I don't know
I don't know if I
If I could
Give you a solo picture
Right now
Like I have
Yeah you have plenty
But like again It's weird again With this job Like if I was just like If it was up to me give you a solo picture right now. Like I have. Yeah, you have plenty.
But like again,
it's weird again with this job.
If I was just like,
if it was up to me,
if I was a regular person with a regular job
and I would have for sure
no solo pictures on my phone.
No, I actually,
if they don't have any solo.
I actually got a solo picture
on my Instagram.
No, if they don't have
any solo pictures,
it's like homework.
I'm like, I'm not doing that.
I'm not scrolling through
and trying to figure out
who you are. All white guys look the same too
so it's like i i'm not like i don't know who you are you look the same as your friend like i i'm
not gonna do it then but if they don't have solo pictures that means you're the kind of person
who's like you have to take a picture real quick no no it's just like cool it means that you have
a girl in your life either a sister a mom an ex-girlfriend or something. I would never ask my sister or my mom to take a picture of me.
What?
I would never ask my sister or my mom to take a picture of me.
Okay, but you don't have to ask.
It means that they, like, sometimes I'll just take pictures of people just because I'm like,
we all should have photos of each other.
I said that back in the pandemic.
You should take more random captions, random shots of your friends and then just text them to them.
I haven't stuck with it. But the, like, like i agree with it but in practice it doesn't happen
yeah we tried that out you took like 20 i took zero i we had a deal that it was like i'll take
pictures of you you take pictures of me i have so many pictures i never took one like two posts i
think it's weird if i'm just pulling out of camera and i don't want to see it okay i have to explain
this i know but you have a fuck like a professional camera that is so it's like it would be so in It's weird if I'm just pulling out a camera and there's someone else in this here. And I'm like, okay, I have to explain this.
This is a deal.
I know, but you have a professional camera.
That is true.
So it would be so, and I'm asking you,
and I will give you the pictures of yourself,
and that's what a deal is.
And I'm asking you to take pictures of me.
It's not creepy.
You're violating the terms of our podcast.
And so, I mean, I'm not taking any more photos of you.
No, that died a while ago.
Anyways, I do not agree with you guys on that.
Okay.
And I actually have talked to other girls who say the same thing.
They're like, it's too much work.
I mean, this is a never-ending wish I'm going to find myself in, so that's okay.
Yeah, dating apps, you mean?
Yeah.
Yeah.
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find Pirate Water at a location near you. Okay, so here's an issue that's happening in real time
right now to me currently. The targeted posts for me on Instagram, I'm starting to get, uh, I'm getting posts
from an account called ADHD memes.
What the hell is even that?
They're diagnosed.
What the hell is even that?
So I guess that was just my question is like, what's something that has been like an eye
opener for you?
I don't have ADHD if that's not clear, but what's, what's a, what's a suggested post
that you've gotten that has been like, I don't know.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
What's been eye-opening is this conversation that we just had before.
Diagnosing me.
The Hulu prep ones get me. The Hulu prep ones get me.
The Hulu prep?
Hulu, like during commercial breaks.
Again, I have commercials on Hulu.
I like commercials.
I miss commercials.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I appreciate the time to look at my phone or do whatever I want to do as a break in the show.
Oh, yeah.
But I get a lot of commercials for prep okay
where i was i think kevin said on the show he said he gets him too so that was very
a big relief for me but like it's there's an overt amount of prep commercials for me yeah um
that makes sense for you that's it i see. This guy watches a lot of Modern Family.
And, like, if they're picking up, it makes sense if Kevin has it, too,
because if, like, based on what you guys talk about every single day on the podcast,
if they're picking up from the phones.
You guys are going to need this.
How can you do ADD ads on Instagram or on any social media?
I get those a lot.
That's all everyone.
I wish I had that.
I've never watched a story ever in my life.
It's all I do on Instagram is watch stories,
but I've never watched a story.
I just click, click, click, click.
Does anybody watch stories? I will never go past two seconds on a story. I just click, click, click, click. Does anybody watch stories?
I will never go past two seconds on a story.
You watch stories?
It's such a jarring, not pleasant experience. It's not a pleasant experience at all,
but I do it every once in a while.
I do it if I've already looked at everything else.
But do you scroll on Instagram?
No.
Every once in a while.
Again, if I'm sitting...
What is Instagram for? Instagram is for when you cannot use audio Instagram? No, not, I mean, every once in a while, like again, like if I'm, if I'm like sitting, what is,
what is Instagram for?
Instagram is for when you cannot use audio anymore.
Like you're in a room with people and you can't go on Tik TOK.
And so then you just need something that's like inaudible and you've already
gone through Twitter and now you've got to go through Instagram to entertain
yourself.
So Instagram is third on the list.
So Instagram is,
I think third on the list.
But it's,
it's arguably or inarguably, well, not TikTok probably beat it,
but it was the most used app, right?
Yeah.
So everyone's just using it to do nothing.
Yeah, I think so.
Like, if you guys are recording and I'm, like,
not that I'm going on Instagram when you guys are recording.
You surely are.
No, no, no, no, no.
But, like, every once in a while I'll be like,
okay, I can't.
I got to do something
like in oddball.
And so,
that is the depressing life
of podcasters
when you realize that
you are
the focal point
of no one's attention.
No, no, no.
That's also,
I also like,
at best,
they're focusing on the road.
But I am listening to you guys.
Like,
I'm just scrolling,
but like,
Jackie, like three times in the last two weeks you've been like, Jackie, what do you think? And you're like, oh, I wasn am listening to you guys. I'm just scrolling. Jackie, three times in the last two weeks
you've been like,
Jackie, what are you thinking?
I go, I wasn't listening.
That's when I'm working.
There's a difference of when I'm working
and if I'm listening and I'm scrolling,
I'm actually listening better.
ADHD maybe.
Maybe I should be getting the whatever.
I'd argue you're not listening better.
I don't know.
I'm not a very good listener because i'm better driving when i'm drunk
i i i think like uh the listening could be part of the processing problem too
yeah and the fact that i listen i'm already gonna listen again
in an hour or something so sometimes i'm like self-preservation like i can't i can't be listening
all year i get all hours i hate us more yeah exactly no no no but i don't understand how you
guys but i do enjoy and then and then like when i'm editing i'll be going back i'll be like wait
this was really funny like how did i not realize that this was going on it makes you feel any
better oh sure i enjoy the podcast that i own enjoy the podcast I'm paid to listen to
if they didn't pay me
I probably wouldn't tune in
no I was a listener before
I was a listener
the
yeah I've
mentioned the prep enough
on this show that I think people
probably knew that was going to be an answer
but yeah it's prep my instagram ads are just all things i'm going to buy my instagram ads are
all shoes and like like uh it's all very superficial it's all targeted to an exceptionally
narcissistic person where it's like hey your back's fucked up what about this so i bought
that neck thing and then it's like what about your skin and then it's you can lose weight i'll sleep in the sleeping bag
oh how's the face thing going you tell me you haven't tried it no not great
wait what is the face thing supposed to do again i don't know infrared light they say that and i'm
just like whoa you have great skin. Thanks.
Yeah.
So I guess it is working.
Yeah.
I don't know if it's an infrared thing.
You've always... I drink a lot of water.
Yeah, yeah.
Actually, a lot of the comments have been being like,
fights of skin is going...
There was more in the Chris Hemsworth TikTok thing.
So...
But you should know that.
In that case, full recommendation for whatever the fuck it was.
Omni something infrared mask.
Yeah, maybe that is actually.
Next question.
I have a question.
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Jackie, Fights, the crew.
Got an interesting fun fact to you guys today and a question off of it. So
when I was in high school, I moved to this tiny little town that nobody had ever heard of before
called Bound Brook, New Jersey. And nobody knew anything about it because nothing ever happened
there. But my dad was the minister in town. And I learned that one claim to fame that this tiny little town had was that the graham cracker was invented there.
And if you don't know the story of the graham cracker, let me tell you.
It was the minister of the Presbyterian Church.
And he was upset that the kids in town were having too much sex.
You know, getting too frisky, too much business. And he attributed this to all the spicy and exotic food that they were consuming.
All the sugar and spices were riling these kids up.
So he invented a tasteless, bland food to quell the sexual urges of the teens in town.
And therefore, the graham cracker was born and so my question to you off of that is
if you had to try and sell a food as a cure to something that is ridiculous as that what food
would you try and sell and what ailment or or pet peeve of yours would that food get rid of?
Thanks a lot.
That is fucking perfect.
That was a really fun fact.
Was it Boundbridge, New Jersey?
Yeah, Boundbrook.
Boundbrook, New Jersey.
That is arguably the most perfect fact we've ever been given.
Because if you were – That all checks out.
I believe every single thing said there.
I believe it works.
The graham cracker is such a piece of shit, it makes you not horny.
I think that... Wait, graham crackers are underrated?
The best snack?
Graham crackers are garbage.
Wait, have you ever tried crushed up graham crackers in milk?
It is the best snack ever.
No, but that doesn't count.
What do you mean?
Like, you're changing what, like, he invented just the graham cracker.
Sure, I mean, anything you can add to something and it becomes good.
Just the graham cracker is garbage.
It's, like, I don't think I'm saying anything, like, particularly revelatory here.
Like, everyone's like, yeah, no shit, we don't eat them.
My dad likes to snack on graham crackers.
So every night, whether we're watching a game, movie, whatever,
he'll come back from the kitchen, box of graham crackers.
And I'll be like, you want a graham cracker?
I've never said yes once in my life.
And now you're just going to think of your parents' sex life.
It's probably just dead.
Your mom started sneaking chili sauce.
You want a Flamin' Hot?
That's fucking perfect.
That is a really fun fact.
I have a fun fact.
You get your mouth all dry.
It's not tasty.
It's not tasty. It's not.
It's a mess.
There's nothing redeeming about a graham cracker.
I really like a graham cracker.
Like, just a graham.
Again, I'll fuck with a s'more on a nice summer night.
But that's, I like the fucking marshmallow.
I like the chocolate.
Just a graham cracker.
Sure, you can add things to it, make it good.
Just a graham cracker.
You'll eat just
that i would never go out of my way for that but i would never like if i am eating a graham cracker
i feel like it's like pretzels where i'm always pleasantly surprised like this is really good
like i just have like i don't know pressure easier to eat too like graham cracker you've
one bite you need a whole glass of water i know i
wonder if it's like the thing like saltines where like you can only eat seven before you need you
can only eat seven like whatever have you ever tried that oh come on yeah i tried it every single
day at lunch yeah that cinnamon challenge come on um i have another fun fact but yeah um
so the reason why we like sparkly things and like glitter and like diamonds
and everything is because we are um program marketing what no marketing we're programmed to
um look for water or whatever and so like the the glistening is like why we like that i am not
explaining that well i kind of get what you know what i mean it's
like it's like diamonds kind of look like the water i guess it's over programmed to whatever
isn't that interesting yeah it's good fun fact yeah this is a good fun fact what was it jfk said
like when you're surrounded by salt water you're a different person i'm gonna see what the quote
was going to high school in rhode island everyone had it as their AIM profile or Facebook thing.
I really don't know why it is that all of us are so committed to the sea, except
I think it's because in addition to the fact that the sea
changes and the light changes
and ships change, it's become
it's because we all came
from the sea. And it's an interesting biological
fact that all of us have in our veins
the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that
exists in the ocean. Didn't know that. Fun fact. And same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean.
Didn't know that, fun fact.
And therefore, we have salt in our blood and our sweat and our tears.
We are tied to the ocean,
and when we go back to the ocean,
whether it is to sail or to watch it,
we are going back to whence we came.
Whoa.
Like that?
That was deep.
That's the kind of shit presidents used to say.
Yeah, I know. Oh my god, I had a dream. deep that's the kind of shit presidents used to say um that is interesting that i feel like um yeah i'm not gonna get into it it's a whole
like that just reminds me a whole like worldly stuff but that goes to my this isn't worldly
stuff like like it just i just have a theory obviously like that this isn't
real i get that theory to an extent because nothing is real everything's just like everything
has the same patterns we're on different things we're on different wavelengths actually i'm not
saying that's not real but i just think i just think that it's like the Fibonacci sequence-like thing.
It's like when you really look at everything, everything just has the same patterns.
I'm not going to get into it, but that just goes with my theory.
The fact that we're the same amount of salt water as the ocean is – I just don't think it's a coincidence.
See, my thing that this isn't real is – it's just like my thing is right this isn't real
no this is it's not real but it is real it's just my real is very different than your real so like
this real doesn't exist anywhere outside of my head you think it's just your own reality like
like how i feel about the show how i think this show went how i think things like that they're only real to me gotcha so it's not actually real uh that is true i i in the sense
of like you create like your own reality like if you think that somebody hates you then they hate
you because even if they don't hate you but like if you think that they hate you then like they
might as well just hate you yes is that kind of what you're saying yeah okay like like you you
you really hate me and they're like no i really don't yeah well you do and in that
sense it's like manifesting so it's not real and shit's real yeah in that sense like manifesting
shit makes sense because it's like if you think that somebody hates you and then but they don't
actually hate you but then you act as if they hate you then they're going to start hating you
because you're going to be cold to them and then you just create your own reality in that sense. So reality is, it's real,
it's just everyone is individualized.
I got you.
I feel like you just keep feeling like, hmm.
I have no thoughts on this.
I wake up and this is my world
and I've never thought anymore into that.
I think everything is really
really real i'm just like the most like i don't know never really thought into that you really
like talking about it because it comes up jack jackie has two drinks which is like let me tell
you about my theory you guys don't you guys think this is real nope i have to shut up about it but
like i want you to know i'm bringing it up more because I'm inching closer and closer into my mental breakdown.
My psychotic break.
Like, I give myself three years.
Three?
If I do drugs, two.
But to answer the question, one thing that cures one ailment is very easy.
It is a meatball sub cures a hangover.
Meatball sub from Subway cures a hangover.
Hearty Italian, American cheese, meatball sub.
You're golden.
That is the most tried and true hangover cure I've ever had.
All right.
Let's get to Stuff Island.
Yeah.
Stuff Island is on the show.
It gets no better
than it has been thus far.
Tommy and Chris,
welcome to the show.
I have an exceptionally long to-do list.
I have been living in my apartment for three years.
I still have not really technically moved in.
I have pictures all over the floors.
I have unpacked boxes all over the place.
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and it's full of annoying things that need to be fixed.
A dripping dishwasher, a hole in the drywall, or a dryer not drying.
I actually need to fix my washing machine as well.
Oh, and I need to change a bunch of lights because I've been there so long that I have not moved in,
but all the lights on my ceiling are basically out.
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Let me fix this. I'm not comfortable.
Well, just look at how many gadgets there are.
This thing's got fucking 14 elbows.
I can't figure that.
I need it to come this way.
And this is masked.
And then pull it in.
Okay.
There you go.
Now it's probably going to tip over on you, though.
I hope it falls.
Dude, honestly, I've never touched mine.
It's never in a comfortable position.
I could tort my body.
It's like a horse with a dick too big.
It's a wop.
I forgot deodorant.
I'm fucking sweating my dick off.
This is a bad place to not have deodorant on.
I don't know what's happening right now.
It's 87 degrees in here.
Usually we keep this shit cold.
We freeze out all the girls.
They're always complaining.
Look, she's in a tank top.
She's great.
We're not outside, Colleen.
It's not like we're supposed to be sunbathing in here.
It's a goddamn place of employment.
It's work.
It's an office.
She handed us a gallon of water.
I'm going to dump this on my fucking head.
She's properly aeration, and I wore Nona's fucking blanket.
I was going to say, you got Afghan.
Covers her knees.
Afghan t-shirt on.
While watching Matlock.
I decided to put the fucking weighted blanket on.
How many wardrobe changes did you go through?
I only went through one.
I picked this shirt out.
I knew exactly what I wanted to wear today.
And that's very human.
I wanted to wear it last week when you guys canceled on me.
Yeah.
Well, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's fucking talk about this week when you guys canceled on me. Yeah.
Let's fucking talk about this.
Do you know about this or has he been screaming about this for weeks? I was in the group chat where you guys said, confirmed.
No, we...
Bro.
I might have said confirmed.
First of all, there was no time.
Get the playful.
There was not a single time referenced.
Yeah, but we had to think. What time were you guys going to show up? Poor you. There was not a single time referenced So
What time were you guys going to show up
Were you just going to show up
And wait all day
Show up at 12am and just wait
The fact that there's no time
Means that we didn't lock it in
That's bullshit
We don't live those lives
We're not a business
We fucking are days
We're a fucking business not a business, dude. Yes, we are. A business. We're a stuff island LLC.
We're a fucking business.
We're literally a business.
Cut that.
Cut that shit.
You gotta get your mind right.
There's not a time the meeting is not set.
That's not true.
We don't treat ourselves like a business.
Our schedule is not like, oh, no, I can't fit that in.
You got the day.
So for the day?
Day, we do a one-hour podcast.
Yeah.
You have to know what hour to do it.
Plans are a date and a time.
I will say we passed the time frame because when I just locked the date in,
it gave me an automatic 4 p.m.
So I thought we were coming in at 4, so we would have missed them anyway.
Oh, really?
Well, we did take a stroll, and then we started drinking very early.
Wait, so you came in and everything?
No, we were on our way.
No, we got to the train in Queens, and then we had to find a bar that opens before three.
But then you guys texted us and said, I hope you haven't left already.
Well, so we—
Because you texted, like, we forgot about you.
It was never locked in.
The day of, I had no fucking—
Dude, you'd say a day.
Let me explain exactly what happened.
We had a fucking day here. So that was probably around four o'clock right so we had done like two interviews
already our own podcast i answered the internet like we were fucking we get it you guys do more
we're a business we're a business this is how you gotta speak and don't fucking tell them we're not
a business this is an elaborate excuse for canceling us. I had to.
Bro, we didn't.
This guy slept eight popsicles last night.
I haven't talked to him about that yet.
We got to discuss some things.
We were up in this.
Give me a popsicle.
Feidelberg, you literally like, we wrap up like all the shit we're doing.
And he goes, oh, fuck.
And I was like, what?
Like, who's dead? You know? And he, oh, fuck. And I was like, what? Like, who's dead?
You know?
And he's like, I think stuff is coming right now.
And we agreed.
We were like, if they're like here or if they're on their way, like, we'll just do it.
But we were like.
You didn't say that to me.
That's why I said, are you left yet?
Oh, I stopped talking to you because I want to say something I regret.
Dude, I roofed that phone.
I crow hopped that after you told me that.
I crow-hopped that thing onto an Applebee's.
I was like, this fucking guy.
If there's no time, there's no plan. Did you watch Tommy sit down and have a beer in his hand-picked outfit?
That is funny.
That's fucking great.
First of all, what makes you think all my outfits aren't hand-picked?
Not everybody just picks up an old hoodie on the floor of a fucking war room.
Dude, our middle production room, because it's a business,
it's a fucking war room with Christmas clothes.
Yeah, it looks like this little fucking area.
This is our new studio that looks like we've been here for 30 years somehow.
It's an absolute piece of shit immediately.
I want to stress,
if there's not a time,
there's not a meeting.
We get it, dude.
I feel like we need a third party here.
It would be like,
I have a flight today.
What time? I don't know.
I'm just going to go to the airport and maybe I'll get on a plane.
You got to have a time set.
You know what?
Our friendship's in a layover right now
I'll be fucking honest with you
Dude
If you say a day
That's it for you guys
I mean I
I don't know if you caught it
I don't know if you caught it
But I jokingly said
What you show up at 12 a.m.
And just wait
And he honestly went
Yeah
At any point we we're available.
Damn, we're little bitches.
If you guys had texted, come in right now at like 9 a.m.,
we'd be like, ah, fuck, all right, be there.
I knew it was going to be a problem.
You're fucking things up already, Paul.
Is it working?
Hello?
Should we redo all that?
Fuck you, Todd!
Shout out Bezos.
That is a king right there.
I ordered a water ball.
It came within eight hours.
Yeah, it's pretty nice.
I got an extension cord and a skin ball in fucking eight hours.
Let's go, Bezos!
Tell me what you do not need, and it'll be here today.
Dude, there's literally four days in a row,
because we had this water ball in Austin, Texas that was...
No, in fucking –
Florida.
You find a good ball that you play with.
It's just a ball.
It's a skin ball.
You fucking spike it.
It's like made of this gel, and you can throw 50-yard skimmers.
It's just like fucking goalie and baseball practice.
On Amazon?
Waboba.
Waboba?
Shout out Waboba.
You owe me money.
Every morning, every day I got up tommy would be like is this it
got to get the big one don't get the little one okay uh you gotta check the sizes i'll send you
the exact dimensions i got one more coming in now i'll tell you where to go it's 999 about accurate
what 999 accurate yeah but that's not the best one.
There's one that's like 14.
1499?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
That's the boy.
Well, that's because I think there's two.
Anyway.
You got a pool at home?
I do.
I just got a new place that has a pool.
Are your kids athletically inclined?
Yeah.
They're going to love it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, my kid.
Dude, I almost blew my rig out last week.
I threw this thing for like Four hours straight
Then I went back on land
Threw a football for about two straight
Back on land?
This is ridiculous
Oh, dude
I'm on the water for four hours
Dude, I'm a cat in a car on the beach
I can't stop moving
It's nuts
Dude
Yo, by the way
Everyone's gonna say Tommy's on coke again
I did it every week
Off the fucking walls again
Yo, take a breath, brother
Take a sip of water
Give me a test You guys should have me a drug test Prove me right fucking walls again. Take a breath, brother. Take a sip of water.
Give me a test.
You guys should have me a drug test.
Prove me right.
I haven't done cocaine in like six months.
That's fucking nuts.
That's nuts.
Tell them it's a PCR.
Just fuck it.
This is all amino acids, baby.
You are in good shape, but you're definitely going to end up needing a surgery.
What are we doing here, Kev?
Something's going to go wrong.
What are we doing?
You just do too much.
Yes.
What do you mean?
Everything you just described.
You're out on the water throwing the ball.
You're doing this and that.
You're probably playing in men's leagues and doing all sorts of weird shit.
No, no, no.
I'm straight.
Box or something.
You're going to be, you know.
No men's leagues.
Those guys take it too.
If I see an adult in a jersey with eye black on,
like college socks, grow the fuck up.
I agree.
Just get ripped and throw darts.
I'm thinking about getting that.
Put that on my shirt.
We're stealing that one.
Sorry, buddy.
Basically, Barstool has taken over professional darts
the last two years running.
Kind of started out as a joke with a few guys here.
They went to the World Series of darts at the Garden.
It's in the Hulu Theater.
Is this what the fat British guys that throw like?
Yeah.
And the crowd goes, have you seen? They're like, he needs a triple nine to win it all.
And he hits it.
The place goes nuts.
So the first year, I think like Penn guys went.
I don't know.
It was kind of like a funny thing.
It's like, yeah, we don't know what's going on
but we're gonna go this year 150
people went from barstool
everybody had different shirts about darts and
everything cheering and screaming as if
they know anything about it
we bought tickets in 150 like
block like we had to talk to like the fucking
you know the commissioner or some shit
so by next year
I'm sure they were like,
I haven't been sober since 73.
You know there's one guy who's like,
it's not going to sell out.
Don't worry.
Well, I mean, we...
So, in my mind,
I see the footage and the pictures from this shit.
I mean, these guys are shit-faced
and they're going nuts, right?
And I'm thinking,
and I've seen some of those clips we're talking about,
I'm thinking, this is a spectacle. We those clips we're talking about. I'm thinking this is a spectacle.
We're talking about the World Series of Darts.
How much do you think the winner
of the World Series of Darts,
the world,
they come from all around the world.
20,000, I'll guess.
You nailed it.
Did you read that article?
No.
Literally, that's the number.
I swear in your life,
no one's better than me at this shit.
I nail it all the time.
We'll cut that.
They ruined the whole thing.
What is this?
I don't even know what this category is. promise you i'm just wonderful at guessing i've been saying this for
years guessing things yeah somebody like how mckeever he'll have like seven examples how many
he loves guessing the weight of his laundry bag i i guess the fact that actually the weight of
my laundry every week. Really?
Almost every single time
if not within one pound.
I just hold it like this.
I can understand that.
Average is around 43.
I got big boys.
My lady throws everything
I wear some things twice
she just fucking discards.
What about when I was
weighing out burgers?
I was nailing six ounces dude.
Right on the money.
You're taking my shine, but I get it.
Dude, we're talking about me, okay, buddy?
This pound shit, I'm talking ounces.
Right on the nose.
When you get those moments in life, like after your athletic career,
where you kind of feel athletic, and they're not athletic anymore.
But it's like the Kobe into a barrel.
100%.
When you catch a fly with your hand, you're like,
Woo, baby!
Still got it.
Still got it.
Meanwhile, I can't run a mile.
Or yeah, you slip in the shower but don't fall.
You're like, nice.
I did it today.
And that's why I say I have to go to bed.
Yo, let me tell you something.
I fell in a fucking well.
What?
Okay.
You're busting my balls.
And if you asked me prior to, this is the lowest form. I fell in a fucking well. What? Okay. You're busting my balls.
And if you asked me prior to, this is the lowest form, the most pathetic form of what we're talking about here.
If you asked me before if I were to fall into a well, I would be like, it would have killed me.
That's a cartoon.
Yeah. I would have broken my neck and been impaled, whatever.
And I fucking grabbed onto a wooden beam and like caught myself and i walked
away from that being like pretty impressive like didn't die when falling in a well and i was like
did you just not see it i it was uh so on the house i bought it's like an old property old
house and it has this little shed that's built around like a fucking a well you walked in the door
jumped right down the well
and they
they uh
but he no look
grabbed a beam
they put over
like they just put
wooden planks over it
right
oh it's like the Vietnamese
with the bamboo shoots
this is literally like
a Batman origin story
it's
both of you guys
are exactly right
because I lifted the one
panel
I'm trying to like
do some shit in there
and I step on what I thought was regular wood.
Went right through it to Vietnamese.
Just imagine KFC at the bottom of a well.
Bats swirling around him.
I still got it.
Then he has to call for his wife to help him out.
But I didn't fall.
Somebody call 911. Get out of the I didn't fall. Somebody call 911.
Get out of the well, you idiot.
Kids are crying.
Tom Zimmer soundtrack.
Dude, anything.
Can you guys turn heat on?
Oh, my God.
It's 90 degrees.
Let's just me and you start sweating profusely so we can be in this together.
This isn't going to help my cocaine story.
I'm fucking believable.
Yo, we have a trivia league at barstool every podcast or just like
groups of people who make sense teams of three and you compete against each other and i mean
the level of seriousness that that gets to jesus christ what's a what's a winner gonna date with a
woman prize nothing but it's i mean it's fucking intense because. Prize? But it's, I mean, it's fucking intense
because everyone,
you know, it's sports questions,
it's pop culture questions,
music.
So people walk around here
acting like they know their shit
and then it's like,
oh yeah, well here you go.
And I mean,
people get jacked up.
You guys would suck at it.
I'd love to see you stuff.
These two would be,
these two and Gillis
as the captain
just messing with them.
You're like,
well I don't know,
Tommy got the last one right.
So maybe you're wrong, Tommy.
They'd be fucking wringing each other's necks
when you said the goddamn question.
Sign me up.
You talked me into it.
Can I go to the next Dart League one?
The Dart?
360 fucking 3Ds we got.
Yeah, yeah.
That was it.
It was a championship.
Yeah, it just happened.
20,000 pounds.
20,000 pounds of dollars. It was euros. Yeah, euros. All right, well, then I'm wrong. We thought It was a championship. Yeah. It just happened. 20,000 pounds. 20,000. Pounds of dollars.
It was euros.
Yeah, euros.
All right, well, then I'm wrong.
We thought it was a million.
That's how much I've got this darts thing in my mind.
I'm like, well, this is crazy.
This guy must get a million dollars.
20,000.
It probably cost that much to fly here.
Well, they're not athletes.
Bowlers, not athletes.
Guys that ride bikes, not athletes.
Crew, you're not an athlete out of your mind you're not you
need hand-eye coordination and mobility not that's endurance cycling is endurance that's
not athletic that's i agree with you but then then golf and baseball kind of stuff
baseball golf is one of the hardest sports to play i completely agree hitting a hitting if
baseball is number one Golf
It's close
But then
But you get
It's
And this is you know
An age old one
But like
And it's not as true anymore
When we first
Did these debates
Like high school
They would be all
Fat dudes on a tour
Basically everyone on a tour
Is in shape now
Yeah
There still is
Like it's not exactly
Physically taxing
Yeah
What golf
Yeah
Yeah
Well if you play
Enough it is.
This is just... This got Tommy sitting up.
Cycling?
Here's the thing, though.
Are you like a big golfer?
No, I used to just golf a lot, but...
This is just...
You like one and you don't like the other.
What?
You like golf, you don't like cycling.
No, I just think anybody can train
to be the best cyclist.
You can't...
You gotta have it and also train for other sports. You gotta have it to be a top cyclist. You can't. You gotta have it and also train
for other sports.
Well, first of all, all those guys are just fucking...
No, I got a new top three. Number one is
hitting a backdoor slider. Number two is
defending a wide receiver.
Cornerbacks. Cornerback is number two.
Number three is golf.
I still think, though,
like, pure athleticism,
when you see the size of the guys in the NBA and what they can do, that's nuts.
To me, like athleticism, I don't know about athlete, but like running, jumping, hand-eye coordination are the three things to me.
And trying to get away from murder.
Like a fucking 6'4 dude running, you know, a 4'3 trying to murder you.
I would say basketball has got to be a thing. four dude running a 4-3 trying to murder you?
I would say basketball's gotta be a good day. I always use Vince Wilfork
as an example, but Vince Wilfork
ran like a 5-0-40.
Vince Wilfork
was like 350 pounds.
He was 280 easy.
He was a monster. The story I always use too
is that when Belichick
wanted to end practice,
he would tape one of Wilfork's hands behind his back,
and he'd say, if Wilfork can catch a punt one-handed, practice is over.
And he only did that because he knew Wilfork could do it.
Oh, sick.
To reward the guys, you know?
It was like – and we've tried to catch punts before.
Have you ever caught punts?
It's impossible.
Dude, no. We caught from the former Patri catch punter for it. Have you ever caught punts? It's impossible. Dude, no.
We caught from the former Patriots punter.
Yeah.
I mean, but leading up to it, because we knew we were doing a video,
I had my friends kick a couple balls.
And I was like, oh, I got this.
This is going to be easy.
I swear to God, he hit them 100 times higher.
Like, the ball disappears.
I was like, wait.
It becomes a spot in the sky.
You can't even see under it.
And then it comes zipping down.
Making noise.
My thumb right away exploded.
Did you catch one? I did not catch one.
One hit my hands, and then after that,
it hurt so bad. I caught one by the
prayer. I caught one on my head.
Like David Tyree type shit.
And the next couple, I was like, I'm not even.
Yeah.
The next couple bounced like five yards in front of me.
I was like, I'm good.
Dude, it was the same day.
I didn't have helmets, gloves, pads or anything.
So I was like, I don't really care if I don't catch them.
I do not want to take one off the fucking face and be like pouring blood.
So I was just like, the only thing more humiliating than dropping it is getting
injured yeah in the process it was he said the former patriot puncher which he was but at the
time he was the current patriot's partner and it was the day aaron hernandez was like on the run
oh hell like helicopters were following him yeah and we were in boston so we could see the
helicopters following aaron hernandez down the, that's awesome. And we were like, so what's that all about?
And he's like, oh, he did it.
Damn.
Hernandez, man.
Now watch this.
He said in a locker room filled with fucking bad motherfuckers
that it was like Hernandez ran the show.
Damn.
He picked the music.
He set the tone.
He was so hot.
He was so hot.
He was so hot.
So fucking sexy. It was still so hot yeah he was so hot so fucking sexy this was when this
was it was still a time where it was like there's no way a current nfl player murdered someone and
he just goes oh he's killed more than one person yeah and then like two weeks later it was like
he's murdered everyone he's ever met
you should hear the music he's playing in the locker the most badass fucking ride or die moment
was when his girl like flipped on on the state like
she was supposed to testify against him right i don't really remember there was something where
like she i think she was supposed to be like the state's witness and then got up there and was like
i don't know what you're talking about like he didn't do any of it and didn't she like blow him
a kiss on the way out or whisper something to him i really don't i think she said you know like i
love you or i got you whatever it it was, I think people were like,
oh,
shit.
Good bird.
Yeah.
It's also weird being that,
that formidable of a force
and then going into prison that hot,
knowing you could just still
take anyone's butthole
and you're not giving up yours.
Like,
when you see athletes this size,
when I go to an NBA game
and I'm like,
that guy at any moment
could just walk up to me
and be like,
give me your ass.
Rape you.
Give me,
turn around, I'm taking your ass.
And you'd have to be like, well, fuck.
Can we do it tomorrow?
Take your ass.
They could just have your butthole.
They could do anything they want with you. I know.
Any NFL player could just have my ass.
You don't have to go to prison.
You just go to the ballpark.
Lose your virginity. If you were about to go to jail, what just go to the ballpark. Lose your virginity.
If you were about to go to jail,
what subject would you study
so that you could be like,
no, no, no, I'm good at this other thing.
Yeah, I would just...
I don't know.
Is it accounting?
No, you just gotta...
You gotta go right into your type five.
You're like, hold on,
I'll make you boys laugh.
You gotta bring it all.
You gotta be...
Listen, in prison,
you gotta be really funny
To be better than butthole
Yes
There's a few commodities in prison
There's cigarettes
There's like cell phones
And there's butthole
Yeah
I think I'd go
I'd go the religion route
Religion you get
And what
Like be like a preacher
I don't know
I just thought of
Arrested development
And I was like
They're usually pretty alright
Like if you walk around
With a bible
They're pretty good
He's cool
He's cool
But I've said before I would do terrible.
You can't rape a pious man.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, you can.
They don't give a fuck.
Pious men can rape you.
I'm joining MS-13.
I'm going right to MS-13.
I'm going with Mexicanos.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Because I can't get to all the white power tattoos.
So I got to join those dudes.
Because you hit me in like August, man.
Look at this gold. You look fucking. Yeah, you look you look fucking nice little fucking ms right here dude i look get a couple teardrop tattoos you good we said it with with um wallow and gilly who work here
and uh wallow served 16 years 17 17 years and like that the white power tattoos exactly i was
like i don't want to become a white supremacist. Yeah, you look great, though.
You got to look, dude.
He's got to look.
Should have seen the studio 20 minutes ago.
Dude, these guys. Is that when you wiped off the board?
These guys.
These guys were doing something in here that they were holding the door shut so that nobody else came in.
Oh, the sketch show.
Yeah.
Is that bad, huh?
It's as bad as it gets.
Can you show me still and I guess what it is yeah guess guess what you think it is dude i think yeah you gotta guess you know
gotta guess oh guess yeah i mean you're the best guesser in the world oh but he's more numbers guy
well i mean give me like you know like a broad topic that we're like give me a ballpark of Oh, but he's more a numbers guy. Well, I mean...
Give me a broad topic.
Give me a ballpark of what's going on.
All right.
Yeah, I'm going to...
It's so funny.
You're guessing.
You're just like, ew, no.
Right, right.
Oh, my God.
Underage what?
No.
You're a Nazi who's a great baker.
You're pretty goddamn close.
It's definitely Nazi-oriented.
Look bottom left.
The second guy, I believe.
You can't give it up, though, right?
So this is the story of...
I guess when we tell it, we get cut.
We'll air this next Thursday.
This will be after the...
So there was a team.
That's a real hockey team.
Their logo was the swastika prior to everything.
It was before Hitler.
It was a hockey team in Canada called the Windsor Swastikas.
Wow.
And so these guys were, you know, they love their team.
They're all about, you know, they're repping their colors,
wearing their uniform, all about it.
So it's about you having to, like, be proud damn it learning that hitler exists yeah it's a 25 year
anniversary of the team it's 1941 they went from 1906 to 1916 i think oh that's sick and it's a
25th anniversary and it's the guys being like dude yeah you can't wear that anymore what do you mean
well who's this guy?
They were getting ready
with all these type of things.
They were taping.
They were laying down electrical tape
on a blanket to make a big flag.
I walk in Monday morning.
We took a week off.
I walk in.
The first thing I see back at work
for a week off
is this guy taping out a swastika
while someone's holding the door.
I was like,
what kind of arts and crafts
has to be done somewhere else
and you bring it in a bag.
It is a bummer.
I remember the first time I saw American History X
and Ed Norton had that tattoo.
I was like, damn, I wish that wasn't an evil symbol.
It looks so cool.
I was young enough where it didn't really...
Sucks I can't get one.
Where I was just like, it's just cool.
I didn't have that wish.
I wish it didn't be what it meant.
Well, you know what?
It really has the vibes of the S
that we used to draw in school.
Yes.
It feels like that.
It feels very doodly.
I could scribble that in my notebook
if it wasn't so fucking horrible.
That'd be so sick.
Someone's trying to come up with a logo
for the Nazi party in a five-star notebook.
This came out so goddamn real, bro.
The Velcro.
I have a very embarrassing story
that I think I shouldn't tell,
but I'm going to tell.
That's what podcasting is, brother.
Because you just said it's so cool.
I used to love the Confederate flag.
Yeah.
Hold on.
The stars and bars, baby.
Give me a minute, dude.
When you just thought it was like a Dukes of Hazzard.
Yes, I grew up on Dukes of Hazzard.
I remember being on, like, lying on my floor
with the fucking car and launching it off the ramp
and going, woohoo!
Like the fucking, that fat hillbilly.
How the boys gonna get out of this?
So I always just, like, I associated that flag with, like,
what's being fucked?
Not hate, it's history or something like that?
No, it's history, not hate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I should have said that, but I had it in my room at Temple.
Instead, you were just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't take your clothes off.
Don't take your clothes off.
So I invited this girl back to my, I just had it in my fucking apartment.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
In my bedroom.
Like pinned up?
Yeah, just up.
I was just putting things up.
That's a bad look no matter what. In North Philly. And I brought this lovely black woman home. No my bedroom. Like pinned up? Yeah, just up. I was just putting things up. That's a bad look no matter what.
In North Philly.
And I brought this lovely black woman home.
No fucking way.
You brought a black chick home with a Confederate flag on your wall?
I didn't know.
I kev.
That's why I said I shouldn't fucking open my mouth about the story in the first place.
And I was like, she's like, why do you have that on your wall?
And I was like, it I like it it's neat
yeah
it's neat
and then she went
in this whole
fucking history thing
and I was like
obviously I knew
some of it
but I was like
well
slowly untacking
I was like
I didn't mean
anything by that
it was just a cool
show growing up
and I fucking
I guess
do you not want
to fuck her up
that's a skit right there
you're living a
fucking skit show
right there
that is
I mean
it's one step below.
It's a big difference.
Well, nowadays.
The next step is fucking, you know, swastikas and clanshood.
This is 25 years ago.
I was just a young little tot, you know?
Did you guys still?
You're goddamn right we did.
Twice.
I used it to clean up
dude that's crazy
I'm a big fan of
what is his name
Bo
from Dukes of Hazzard
I forget
I just said I loved
the show growing up
I just like the way
it looks
all the characters
I don't know
I just like the flag
and then as I got older
I was like
I'm a big fan
of what they stood for
yeah
as I got older
I fucking hated it
because I hate soutoutherners.
I just hate their mentality.
I'm fucking, you know, I'm a Yankee at heart.
Right.
They hate you.
So you got to come back.
I'm not a Yankee like Dominicans.
How racist can you...
Fuck the Yankees.
Fuck the Mets.
How racist do you think you can tolerate?
Like she was like, all right, that Confederate flag's not great,
but like his dick game is strong,
so let's go, you know?
What do you think your limit is?
I don't think,
I don't have a racist bone in my body.
I say racist things because it's very funny.
I'm not going to stop that.
I would say my tolerance is near infinite.
So like you go home with a girl.
I've never let ideas stay
i can separate the arts from the artists
exactly i agree with that to an extent because i'm mostly irish i as i imagine o'connor is
but like if i went home with a girl and she just had like a shitload of like ira shit or like
that's so hot i love car bombs like that's so hot. I love car bombs.
That's so hot.
That's just a little weird.
She likes anarchy.
Let the fucking bitch live.
You don't date that person.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, so you know she's going to get some nice fucking...
That's what I mean, though.
You're tolerant.
You'll bang that girl out
and will you fuck her multiple times?
I wouldn't even date a girl with a strict schedule.
That's too radical for me.
Let's say you go home with a chick.
She brings you back
to her place.
If I was dating one of you guys
and you were like,
if you don't have a time,
it's not,
I would be like,
forget it.
Forget it.
There's no way.
I'm not taking you home at all.
If your day is organized by the hour, we're not going to get along.
If you use the clock, I'm out.
The 24-hour clock is for fucking losers.
If you went home to a chick's house and she was just like, you know, like, I'm so proud of my daddy.
And there was like a fucking, you know, on a mannequin is a goddamn hood.
No, that's fucked. That's fucked. But if we're talking like a fucking, you know, on a mannequin is a goddamn hood. No, that's fucked.
That's fucked.
But if we're talking straight anarchy, you know what I mean?
A woman that likes to fucking stare at the pot.
She's got like a Molotov cocktail on her fucking tattooed on her neck.
That is a pain in the ass.
So no racist, but anarchist.
Yes.
Are we talking one night stay?
I want mayhem in the bedroom.
Yeah, would you just still bang her out or would you just be like, I'm going to get out of here?
No, I'd bang her out.
I paid for the Uber.
And fucking old teeth.
Don't you want to see how that person fucks?
How's the pirate water doing?
Yeah, probably.
Really good, man.
Really fucking good.
It's about time you guys get some good stuff rolling.
Unreal.
I mean, it is not for the faint of heart.
Like, it is.
Let me get one.
I think these are warm.
Can we get some ice?
I don't need ice.
I'll pop one of these things.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Okay.
Grab one, whatever you want.
We've got four flavors.
We've got margarita, Bahama Mama, Sex on the Beach.
I'll take the margarita.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll try the Bahama.
All right, we'll get you some ice because everyone's been saying on ice is the way to drink it.
Because my point was going to be, we partnered with the four local people.
So I was like, this is for fucking raging.
Oh, so they're high ABV.
So it's 10% and it's 16 ounces and it's two bucks.
Two dollars.
So between 16 ounces, you know, drink and a half.
This is for a lot of, I gotta say.
It's like two beers.
So you basically get like nine beers, nine drinks in one.
I know a lot of street animals from home that are going to be popping these.
That is the thing.
The guys out front of the fucking video store.
Higher water.
For the street animals.
Two bucks is nice.
What I've been hearing is like.
This is like up there with the adventure of the straight razor.
Two dollars for that thing Amen
So
It's
It's a very much of a
A brown bag
A pregame
A tailgate
Sort of
You know
Party drink
But now I'm hearing
People
Like he has a friend
Who goes home
To his fucking
Family
Oh you got a friend
With a dead tongue
And he's like
Yeah I have
Two
Two
Pirate waters
Every night When I come home from work.
One in the shower. One in the shower so the wife doesn't see.
Jesus Christ.
Don't get married to that woman.
If you're going to hide a beer in the shower,
don't marry her.
The amount of shit that people are like, well, everything else
is good except for this one thing that's really
fucking not a good fit.
She's amazing. I mean, we don't have
any sex, but that's going to be a problem.
It's like being like, well, she's great, but she doesn't have any arms and legs.
I feel like showering with booze is vacation only.
Is that crazy?
I don't shower with booze.
I think it's a younger.
I used to shower in college.
I'd get ready with a beer.
I don't think I showered once in college without alcohol on me.
It was like I got soap and I brought a beer.
That was it.
It was a funny thing.
It was like the cold drink with the hot water.
I don't know.
It was a novelty.
I think now if you're doing it.
You're hiding it from your wife and you got a problem.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I mean, I have a drink in the bathroom as I'm getting ready.
You're not going to put it next to the sink.
That's almost like pregame.
You're doing your wig.
Right.
I've never spent enough time in the shower to justify a drink oh you're an in and out guy yeah yeah i don't he doesn't he didn't
used to wash his legs until like a week well gravity yeah yeah right yeah no soap runs down
trickle down it's the trickle down effect i washed my feet the other day for just to see
what was what it was all dude i Dude, I just talked about this.
No, get clean.
I'm all
on board with that. If you
are outside in bare feet, if you
somehow get messy
all over your legs and feet, yeah, you got to clean them.
Just an average day,
the soap and gravity takes care of you.
How dirty are your shins,
dude? What's wrong with you?
They're active in this diarrhea pit of a city we live in yeah but i'm not saying like you still are in a shower there's water all over it you need to like sit there and scrub your
shit up yeah that's gross i like to feel clean something's wrong dude that's how you get a
slip and fall also nobody just can't read that's how you get a slip and fall yeah well i'm not my
mother they have like the grip shit.
Yeah.
Talking about needing a surgery.
I was going to say one of these days, hubris, man.
Yeah.
Shut up.
Do you bend over and get down or do you lift it up?
I'm like a fucking.
This thing comes up.
I give a little gentle rinse.
Back down.
Other one, pop it back up.
You're going to have an accident.
Are these warm?
Now these are cold.
Nice. Magnet. Oh, Miami it back up. You're going to have an accident. Are these warm? Now he's a cold. Oh, nice.
Magneta.
Oh, Miami Vice, dude.
I told Chris I condition my hair every day.
We were driving from St. Louis to Cincinnati, and he was on the wheel, and he goes, every day?
Yeah.
And I was like, yeah, and he just saw him go, fuck.
His eyes went dark, and just started Worrying about Everything
In life
His whole fucking day
Was ruined
You ever realize
He questioned the whole universe
I'm doing everything wrong
You probably won't relate to this
But you ever realize
That you haven't had
You haven't done anything
On a daily basis
In 20 years
I don't do anything
Every day
I'm with you on that
I'll tell you what
You shit three times every day Including like eating What? Not that. I'll tell you what, you shit three times every day.
Including like peeing.
What?
Not if I don't eat.
Let's take out.
Eating for sure.
Shitting.
Yeah, let's take out the human, you know, human things.
You drink.
Even, I'll skip food.
A drink.
Okay.
It's your last taste test.
And be real.
It's okay.
You can be real.
This works.
It's good.
Let me tell you.
No, it is really good. On the beach. Let me tell you. No, it is really good.
Dude, on the beach?
This is a beach.
Yeah, that's a thing.
So I have another brand.
This is late afternoon beach stuff.
I know what to pack for the beach.
Do you guys have to sell this in a liquor store and not a beer store?
Because it's small.
It's sellable.
Yeah.
Sell them both.
Because my beach drink is something called Cutwater, and it's only spirit-based.
It's like the purest spirit-based cocktail.
You're advertising other products on the show? No no i'm saying this is a quick water product or you make it up like it's a mix
you know it's a product oh okay it's a product that you you got to buy in the in the liquor
store because the spirit it's like 100 it's not like fizzy or any of that dog shit yeah truly
it's really nice they make high octane shit like this eight percent are we talking like uh like
moonshine or do we talking about like 100%?
No, it's like they got a margarita.
They got a Paloma.
They got a fucking gin drink.
They got a rum drink.
And they're all like between 8% and 14%.
Yeah, but I would say it's better than...
It's bad.
I would say pirate water is better than...
I'm saying it's bad.
Dude, Tallboy, two bucks?
You're not going to beat that deal.
It's nuts.
It really is.
If I was in college, man,
I would buy 6,000 of these.
I would buy 10 bucks.
The Four Locos are literally what only, when I first moved to New York when I was 21,
the only way I was able to afford going out was- They taste and get drunk on the level you want to be.
I do a Four Loco in the shower.
I do a Four Loco in the cab on the way to the bar.
And I'd get a beer and just sip that.
See you later.
I feel like they're a little more medicinal tasting
and this doesn't have that like weird.
Well, full vocal flavors,
I don't even remember what they were.
These are like traditional,
you know,
beach drinks, you know.
My anti-vice,
sex on the beach.
And we're coming out
with more flavors,
particularly one,
I think,
you'll be ready for like next summer
that is going to just be a monster.
Dude, that's a goal of mine.
It's just like,
I grew up with a fucking
you know, 40 hands.
Are you getting a 10 cent return on this too?
On the camera?
$1.90?
You can't
afford not to buy it.
They always say like
you're losing money.
Our local heroin dealer is gonna be
ripping through our trash
trying to get these
high on pirate water
and ripping our cans out
I feel like
every guy
goes through that
where like
every guy has like
the phase
we should open a bar
start a band
when you're younger
and there's always
I mean I did
we did it every summer
we'd be like
dude we'll just
fucking keep our cans
and then
pay for our beer we'll return those that pays for the beer and every year every summer. We'd be like, dude, we'll just fucking keep our cans. And then we'll return those that pay for the beer.
And every summer we'd try.
And we'd do it like twice.
And we'd be like, this is fucking insane.
We'd be at the recycling plant.
You're bringing bags and cans.
This is fucking nuts, dude.
Why are we doing it?
What am I, a migrant worker?
We were carrying boxes and bags and crates.
Anything we could put cans in through the Bronx on Webster Avenue to get to some fucking crackhead grocery store.
Now you're making real malt beverage, baby.
Imagine that drinking fucking oldie in the woods at 18 going, one day I'm going to make a malt beverage.
You're right, though.
Shut the fuck up.
You're right though Shut the fuck up You're right though I grew up on
Steel Reserve
Old E, Colt 45
What was the clear one you used to put Jolly Ranchers in?
The clear malt
I don't know that one
Say nice
No that wasn't it
Look up clear malt beverage
From the 90s
Zima? I don't know that.
Zima?
Zima.
Oh, wow.
I didn't know you were gay.
That sounded like drinking Zima back then, dude.
I had to learn how to dance before the prom.
The guy who pitched Zima was wearing this shirt.
I salute you.
I never did like that much malt, but I got arrested drinking Cobra when I was like 15.
Cobra?
Cobra.
Oh, Cobra.
Yeah, when I was like 15 or 16 here in New York.
I was like walking on campus at NYU.
Was it a 40?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I went through that phase.
If you get caught drinking Cobra, they're not letting you go with a warning.
The first time I really got caught drinking, we were just like walking the streets of my town drinking and we,
a cop like turn the corner and we all just like threw it in the fucking bushes.
He obviously saw us,
catches us kind of,
you know,
shakes us down,
lets us off with a warning.
We end up walking by like the local,
like the police station where it wasn't in town.
And they go like,
next time,
would you drink something a little like higher class? Cause they just, just you know stole it from us and we're drinking a beer they were
drinking steel reserve yeah like what is this piss you fucking kids you underage kids have some more
class first time i drank old english we got jumped in a cemetery yeah yeah that's that's about right
and uh this kid walks up these two dudes walk up just big black dude and this this young white dude
this dude asked danny for uh directions that danny like points this way and it was right like dusk This kid walks up. These two dudes walk up. This big black dude and this young white dude. This dude asks Danny for directions.
Danny points this way.
It was dusk.
This kid fucking cold cocks him.
Jesus.
Drops him.
Me and my other buddy, like, whoa.
Then we just start to go forward.
This dude pulls a giant bat out.
A full-size bat.
It wasn't a beater.
Out of his pants?
The black dude, yeah.
He was like, I'll fuck all you up, whoever jumps in so there's like an initiation or something
like he forced him to pick one of us to knock out for some reason because this kid was the white
dude was younger and you know impressionable loser fucking scumbag yeah it was just one of
like 16 did he keep he just punched him that was it one shot to danny gets up. I mean, this dude was full force.
Knocks him out.
And Danny somehow fought back and won.
No fucking way.
And won.
And it was the most impressive fucking victory I've ever seen in my life.
To this day, I've never seen a fight where you have no shot.
We have no shot.
We're all dead.
And the guy with the bat just walked away?
He just let him go.
He let him fight.
He was pissed that the dude didn't win.
I guess he didn't get initiated.
You're not in the gang, bro.
That's the most honorable shit I've ever heard.
It was awesome.
Look at that.
We had a friend we called Stonehands in college
because he used to just knock people out
one punch of all the time.
He was fighting a guy.
He earned the nickname i remember
one kid he could have came up with a better nickname he uh this kid was uh they were talking
shit from a distance and he was like yo i'll knock you out in one second and the kid came up
to him was like he was about to say i thought you said you knocked me out in one second and he was
like i thought you said you knocked like before you get through it. Gone. But one night
outside the bar,
he's fighting this guy, and
the bouncer of the bar was friends
with the other dude. And
a shithead grabbed him, held his arms
back, and my buddy's
just getting wailed on. Stonehands.
Stonehands getting beat. Yes, because the bouncer's
fucking holding his arms back.
Anyway, they end up continuing to fight, but by that point, he's getting fucking clob. Yes, because the bouncer is fucking, you know, holding his arms back. Anyway, they end up like continuing to fight.
But by that point, he's getting fucking clobbered because he doesn't have hands.
He's on the ground like pummeling him.
And my buddy like turns the tides like reversal and ends up on top of him.
The reaction from the crowd, it was like a fucking wrestler like getting out of a fucking submission hold.
Where were you in a well?
That's fucking crazy.
Afterwards, I just remember a kid going, was that your boy?
And we were like, yeah.
And he goes, he's got spirit, man.
He fights with spirit.
He's like, whoa.
That's like the highest praise.
That kid's got spirit.
What a way to describe it. Spirit. The youth beating the fuck out of each other. That kid's got spirit. What a way to describe it.
Spirit.
The youth beating the fuck out of each other.
Yeah, they got spirit.
I remember I got shit-faced at Finnegan's Wake one time.
Always.
It's always Finnegan's Wake.
I got a great Finnegan's Wake fight.
Yeah, our buddy on the team was a bartender at Finnegan's Wake,
and we used to just go there every Thursday night and get absolute loyalty.
That's loyalty.
You know a bartender at Finnegan's Wake?
You haven't brought this up, dude? I didn't know you were famous.
That's incredible, dude.
I remember I was on the
second level just completely shit-faced
just like looking at girls.
Yeah, there was like a railing
that you could look into this Irish soup.
Just freckled monsters, dude.
Just fucking
30 meat wagons
Sweating on each other
It was a pig pen
Spinning and sweating
It was a pig pen
That's going to the zoo
It was an Irish zoo
That's what it was
Dude
And it literally did
Move like a pig pen
Yeah you put some
Feed in your hand
And they'll come over to you
You could go upstairs
And get some nice
Freckled clean shots
They had all their Forgotten shoes I'll come over to you. You could go upstairs and get some nice freckled cleave shots.
They had all their forgotten shoes. They had all their like vinegar or whatever.
Like the Holocaust.
Put Irish heels.
There should be a video.
It's like a museum.
It's just a stack of fat girl heels
six million heels
I was standing there
just looking at him and I remember
two bartenders or two fucking
bouncers just picked me up by the elbows
I just remember I left my feet entirely
and they put me out on the
fire escape did you have closed the door
and I was standing out there for two years?
It's like you time traveled or you
teleported. And I was just
outside to take out.
If you don't know much, fucked up Chris
doesn't care about anything.
Imagine getting picked up and just like, where are we going?
Okay.
Did you call a cab?
I lost my friend yesterday.
It's true.
It's true.
Yeah, I took it in stride.
I was like, got to be.
Win, baby.
Holy fuck.
Where did you guys do, like, summertime?
Did you go to the beach?
I lived in Wildwood.
Wildwood is fucking trash.
Avalon we escaped to. No, Avalon's really nice. That's nice. Yeah, that's awood. Wildwood is fucking trash. Avalon, we escaped to.
No, Avalon's really nice.
That's nice?
Yeah, that's a nice one.
Stone Harbor's nice.
Avalon's nice.
Wildwood's trash.
Wildwood Crest is nice.
North Wildwood.
But like when you guys were younger,
you would get a house there
and do that sort of shit or no?
I didn't grow up in Philly,
so I didn't.
Yeah.
I only got two houses.
I got a house the senior year of high school
that was known.
It was 3418 Landis or something
20
my boys will fuck me up with that
but it was like
it was a known
senior year high school house
that everybody
the cool guys get the house
yeah the next year got it
the next year got it
yeah
across the street was like
Archbishop Carroll
who we obviously fist fought
like every three weeks
we'd break into each other's houses
steal shit
I took a shit
in a dryer once
oh my god
turning that baby on
for 30 minutes
how you doing
that's despicable
yeah but it was great
CIO was one
no no no
that's fucking
despicable
man
you should be
fight
there should be no statute
of limitations on that
you should go to jail for that
almost as bad as
washing your legs
put your ass in the dryer
or you should put it in there was a couple cause the thought of bad as washing your legs in the dryer there was a couple
because the thought of you just putting your ass in the fucking i shit in front of all my boys
into a shoe box killed killed i shit in a plastic bag i shit in a pizza box
what i'm sitting a plastic bag is this mic on? would it like fall?
yeah I was very healthy back then
I was an active boy
yeah I wasn't like dude I wasn't like
rolling the dice
all my friends are watching
an hour later I'm just like dude I didn't know
I didn't know
I heard a story
like some other dude
from another school
or another class
took the couch
from one of the living rooms,
broke a hole
and threw it fishing
in the drywall.
Yeah.
Brutal.
Dude, it's 90 degrees.
It feels like this room right now.
You don't have ACs
when you're fucking 18 years old.
Yeah, yeah.
You just sleep in your own sweat and piss.
Dude, that is so funny.
Like, I mean,
I will not go anywhere,
live anywhere,
stay overnight anywhere
like that doesn't have AC.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
It just kicked on, baby.
Yes.
Like, that's not even an option.
And when you're a kid,
you're like,
I don't know,
I'll just sleep in a pile
of my own piss and sweat.
Dude, I go in hotel rooms,
drop it to 63 or 65,
as low as it goes, and if it doesn't change in five minutes, I ask for a new of my own piss and sweat. Dude, I go into hotel rooms, drop it to 63 or 65, as low as it goes.
And if it doesn't change in five minutes, I ask for a new room.
Not five minutes.
I give it like 15.
Yeah.
You know, there's a... It's not active.
Dude, it's so great when you wake up in the hotel room and your water's cold.
Yeah.
You're like...
Boom.
Man.
Yeah, it's fucking 50 degrees.
There's some that do motion sensor now because i i was putting
mine mine down like crazy and then it shuts off when you get up when when it no if you're not if
you're not in the room like oh that's fucked up so i i was like i i definitely put this down
yeah 54 before i left i'd pay a dude so i googled it on youtube there was a thing
you got that one dumb buddy like, you need money, right?
I'm going to need you to walk around this motion.
You want a couple bucks?
Just walk around my home.
Don't get in the bag.
We're talking $160.
Eight straight hours.
You're fat.
You can walk it off.
Three cardboard boxes.
Don't you dare touch that bag.
Didn't I see you
shitting in a bag last week?
Bro, I shitted in a bag once.
I was on...
Fuck, what's the bridge?
It goes over...
It's between Portsmouth
and Tiverton.
Oh, you did it
at a necessity.
It was, but I got...
Like a normal fucking person.
I was in traffic on the bridge.
I, like,
first exit, got off,
run into the woods this night.
I'm coming home
from high school
and I grabbed, like,
a bag out of the back of my car and I shit in the bag and then i was like i had like a moment
of clarity afterwards because i was like why did i just shit on the ground you're in the woods i
just stare in the middle of the woods shit into the bag what the fuck that is just littering
yeah you made it worse definitely an illegal gray gray area. There's no question. You're like, is this a crime?
I don't think I've had a shit incident like that, really.
But back to the shore points, Kev.
I did your shit in the lake once.
Yeah, I did that.
In the water.
Dude, I've never done that.
I swam away from the boat, and I just treaded water and took a shit.
It's like giving birth when they do that.
My mom stared at me the whole time.
She knew what you were up to.
Wondering what I was doing.
She was like, that's weird.
Your mother's been watching you try and hide a shit your entire life.
Beautiful.
We always party in boats in Newport.
And sometimes someone always has to go shit.
And they call it laying cable.
I go lay cable right back.
And they go jump and then they go shit.
I've never once done it because i'm like
i don't trust what's gonna go in i i don't i'm like i'm gonna internally drown like there's no
way it's so it's so quick well if you open the water if you hold an open water bottle under the
water it fills water pretty fucking quick wait you're worried about water going up your asshole
yeah yeah he says some shit do you have to tape your fingers so you don't eat them you're a fucking moron you know that the mind of a gym my main concern is i i know i won't i i but i've
never done it i've it's just like i don't know i don't need even if i was in an emergency you think
you're going to fill up with water i don't think so i know i won't but like star wars story logically
i probably should how wide is your asshole? If you take that... Are you gaping?
Isn't it crazy?
Did you used to breathe in and out of your asshole?
What do you mean, used to?
Why would he stop if he used to?
I don't know.
My friends were always breathing in and out of their assholes.
I'm crying right now.
I laughed because I just thought that was a joke.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
My friends.
I've got a whole pack of friends that breathe in and out of their assholes.
Bro, there's no way
you can get to your lungs
from your asshole
no they
he was breathing
sucking air
he would open it
like a dog hole
yes
and then close it
take in air
that's a fucking blue whale
dude
I mean that guy
has his asshole blown out
dude I
1000%
like yeah
I've seen porn stars
do wacky shit too
with huge gaping assholes and nothing in it from dicks yeah they can start to, yeah, I've seen porn stars do wacky shit too. Yeah. With huge gaping assholes.
And nothing in it.
From dicks.
Yeah, they can start to focus it.
Right.
I've done facial work for a gaming company,
and after a while, you can really focus on certain muscles.
This guy's getting his ass fucked.
Anyway.
That guy's got a white asshole
I really wanted to see you land that plane
As soon as you guys all stopped talking
I was like ah shit
Dude the best job of my life
That's podcasting in a nutshell too
Where you just get out a little too far
Over your own skin
Well now I have the floor
And I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
You can't see the shore anymore.
You're like, oh, fuck.
I was just reading that story about the Cessna
that was just flying, and the planes got scrambled.
Did you hear that?
I didn't see that, no.
There was a Cessna that was just flying towards DC,
and it just scrambled F-16s.
Yeah, they don't fuck around with that shit.
There's some asshole who's like, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
In the story, the pilot was like, yeah, I pulled up next to the Cessna and the pilot was just like.
No fucking way.
And he was just like, they're done.
Was he drunk?
Dead?
Fuck you, Chris.
Was he knocked out from like, or dead or what?
I think, dude, I mean, these people that fly in private, dude, never fly private.
It's crazy.
Never fly private.
They had the, they had like a pressure leak, never fly private. It's crazy. Never fly private. They had the,
they had like a pressure leak,
hypoxia.
Everyone goes out and then you're just flying.
Dude,
the guys here fly private so often.
Do they shoot them down?
No,
they just crashed.
They ran out of gas and just crashed.
They die?
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Everyone died.
Over the ocean.
Very weird family though.
I read the article cause I was like,
Oh,
this is horrible.
They had a very like sympathetic title.
And then I was like,
these are a bunch of fucking weirdos
I like that
thank god that family died in that plane
yeah this guy
this guy the lady that
died in the plane
they adopted this lady when she was 40
and he
got her like impregnated
what?
it was very strange
you surely won me over with like maybe we're alright Got her impregnated. What? It was very strange. This isn't like a movie you watched?
You surely won me over with, like, maybe we're all right.
You get to 40, you're not going, mama.
Bro, when you say, like, a family died in a plane crash, you're like, it was good, though.
It takes a lot, but you got there.
It's one of the good ones.
You're right.
Good news, guys.
I don't like when people try to make me feel things.
Don't you make me feel grief?
I find one thing wrong and they're like, nah, that was good.
What was this, recent?
Yeah, this happened like yesterday or two days ago.
Let's go.
Fire it up.
The senior year and freshman year of college
I lived in
CIO that I lived in
North Wildwood
my job
was renting kayaks
and I want to tell you
it was the greatest
fucking job I ever did
I had fucking
cash
I would pay off
for all of our beer
because I
I get a big
so here's what happens
you write on a piece of paper
the guy who owned it was a Vietnam vet
maniac he would just fire people out of nowhere
but he liked three dudes
I got in through my oldest brother's best friend
Bops who
got me a job
you had to know a guy to get this fucking job
Brian Bops
big hockey guy you'd love him
so I get this job every day.
Every night I get fucked up, my boys.
I get up at like nine.
You got to go beach to beach to drop off kayaks.
And then you literally put up a canopy, sleep if you want, until somebody wakes you up.
Right?
And I'm, dude, I'm fucking.
Saying, hey, give me that canopy or give me that kayak.
18 to 20.
I'm selling kayaks.
Yeah.
Somebody would be like, we'd like a double and a single.
Doubles 15, singles 10.
I write down two singles.
You know what I'm saying?
Five bucks.
Five bucks in the pocket.
We're starting off hot.
You do that all day long.
It was the best job in the world.
Money laundering.
It's also so crazy what rich is when you're 18.
You're like i got a hundred
dollars you get 20 bucks before 10 suck my $20 bill forget it you're just driving like the week
borderline my exactly my job at that age too i worked on like a sailboat and i was i worked
every day because i'd go from 10 a.m to 9 p.m yeah i go get drunk sleep go to work i worked
seven days a week every summer. And we would get like
at the end of the day
it was like a tour boat
and they'd get off the boat
and they kind of like
slip you like 20 bucks,
40 bucks.
There were multiple parties
on the boat.
So like at the end
you're supposed to put it in a pot.
I had the same kind of thing.
I was like,
dude,
I'm the one lifting the major.
I got your pot right here.
I put it in my pocket.
I get home,
I'm like,
boy's got 140 bucks.
And they go nuts.
30 birds, baby. And I had these shit had i was covering friends i had friends oh yeah i was like i was fucking 18 to 22 same type of ages
and i i had friends living with me who were living rent free i had an entourage it was just like i
had buddies who like i just you're a good time you can stay in my apartment That's fine It was Meanwhile it's all for like
150 bucks
You guys want to come
To this party?
No dude
Dude salt
Move down to Newport
This summer
Don't get a job
I got you
I got you
You bring the laughs
Bring the party
We'll have a good time
Dude when I had a paper route
As a kid
I was like
I literally can't spend this
Like what were you buying?
You were buying like
All the candy I want
Is only 10 bucks
yeah
my only expenses
I would buy like
CDs
uh
fucking
I guess the occasional
something to wear
and like
and then you get
into the beer money
you know when you're like
drinking beer
like as a teenager
there's like nothing else
to buy
yeah
nothing
it's clothes and booze
you didn't even take
girls out
you just brought them to a fucking golf course
and you grabbed a solo cup.
You didn't spend money.
Yeah, dude, that'd be so sick if you were still like that.
Dude,
just like, you grab your bike, I'll meet you
anywhere. Dude, this is a great idea for a party.
We should get all our boys and do
like an old school
golf
keg party. On a golf course golf course at night but no golfing
is it weird though is it weird that we all did that is it weird like you you think your fans
will say no no but but like now on the internet i'm drinking a 10% if somebody on the internet
like some kids figure out a part like a way to party and it just goes viral and all the other kids do it.
Like I was in Westchester,
New York,
you're down in Philly on the West coast,
East coast,
Chicago.
Everyone's like,
well,
get a keg on the golf course.
Yeah.
But the difference is because dude,
you like when you're fucking 17,
there is nowhere to be.
Let me try the other one.
Like you're not allowed to be anywhere right but like you know what I mean
there's no bar for you to go to
what are you going to do go to the arcade
but the fact that everybody was like
okay golf course we'll get on a green
you know like I mean I guess eventually
like process of elimination you figure it out
but it's just funny that all there's certain
things there's certain urban legends
there's certain ways that people partied and there's certain
things that all high school kids did
in certain time periods,
whether you were East Coast, West Coast, you know, whatever.
Well, there's two factors.
It's seclusion and escape route.
Yeah.
You're away from residential homes.
No one's going to call the cops.
You're far enough away.
Unless you're super fucking loud.
We used to go to Dermott Field, which is just a football field,
but it was enclosed in closed by multiple routes there was this one dude robocop it was we called robocop yeah
he would catch actually everybody crazy story bob's younger brother was taunting robocop from
this one exit underneath this like sitting on this park bench he Robocop came, I'm going to say 200, maybe 200 yards
away. Walks down
through the basketball courts, the only lights that were
on. Everywhere else around this giant
field, there was a football field, a couple
baseball fields, and this little picnic area.
And then right next to
the picnic area was a street. So this dude
just starts fucking barking at Robocop.
Just taunting him.
Robocop, I swear to god the dude
had dress shoes this motherfucker would cruise and dress and he was yoked jacked ass fucking like
european austrian looking dude and he's just walking walking and everybody's like oh shit
oh shit he's getting closer people start like booking already just running. Between the ages of 13 and 15, 18,
and this motherfucker just starts taking off,
and everybody shits their pants.
I was in a yard, I'm going to say three miles away.
I was under a deck for an hour and a half.
I was not going home arrested.
Turns out he got him.
Dude, I love the idea that when he finally caught him,
he was sliding.
He built up so much momentum.
He was speedboarding up to him.
The golf course we partied on was technically in the Bronx.
And the cops in our town, we were in Westchester.
And we acted like that was the Mexican border.
They had no jurisdiction here.
And they would just, like, cross over the fence and arrest everybody.
We were like, come get us.
And they were like, okay.
Good luck with the paperwork on this one.
I remember girls trying to run away in, like, high heels through the mud and the grass.
People falling.
It was like storming the beaches.
Like, bodies were dropping.
Like, go on without me. It was like storming the beaches. Bodies were dropping.
Go on without me.
I went to high school in Rhode Island but lived in Massachusetts.
The same thing.
It was like, dude, if you just – At least that is a –
This was just like a town to a town.
But they would still fucking ruin your time?
No, they never called us.
But we would be on like 24 heading north.
As soon as we get into Massachusetts, we're fucking fine, man.
We're good.
There's still police in Massachusetts, bro.
It wasn't like we were out running.
We were driving cars with a buddy who had seven beers.
They're going to slam on the brakes and be like, ah!
It wasn't who's not fucked up.
It was who's least fucked up.
Dude, that happened once in Providence.
Who drives drunk best.
It happened once in Providence, Rhode Island.
Providence was Who drives drunk best. It happened once in Providence, Rhode Island, where like,
and like, Providence was like notorious for it, but the cop pulled over a group of like
drunk kids coming over to the bar.
Most sober one was driving, and he's
hammered. And I wasn't
there. I was just, my buddy told me
about the story. Never would you partake.
No, I would. I'm just saying, this wasn't my story.
And they
get him out of the car, and the cop just leans in with a flashlight.
And he goes, everyone else in here been drinking?
And they were like, yeah.
And he goes, I guess I didn't phrase that correctly.
It's the end of the shift.
I don't want to do any paperwork.
Has anyone else been drinking?
And they were like, no, sir.
And he goes, so who's good to drive?
And they were like, I am. He goes so who's good to drive and they were like uh i am
get it switch that's crazy a lot of good old days when you can hang a confederate flag and drive
drunk dude i had a buddy i had a buddy get one in newport got a dui and he was like uh a hot shot
in newport and got a dui on like one of those Vespa scooters. Yeah.
And the,
and the cop,
dude,
I'm getting a Vespa.
I swear to God.
Yeah.
I'm getting the best.
The cop was like,
he's like,
I'll just,
I'll just follow you home.
So he meets us at the bar the next day.
And he's telling the story.
He's like,
yeah,
so-and-so pulled me over.
He just had me follow.
He just followed me home.
Make sure I got home.
I was like,
dude,
on a fucking motorcycle.
Why didn't you leave the motorcycle where it was and he gives you a ride yeah there's no need for
him to just fucking follow you that was those are the good old days though they would they would
follow you home i'm not gonna wake up without my vest but in the fucking parking lot
dude you get pulled over by the cops what's this a gay establishment
if you get pulled over by the cops... What's this, a gay establishment?
If you get pulled over by the cops and you're drinking,
always say you haven't been drinking.
Yeah, no shit.
Welcome to our law podcast.
No, dude, but some people go with that strategy.
Some people go with that strategy.
They're like... Yo, yo, have you ever murdered someone?
And the cops say, have you murdered someone?
Say no.
Look, I still don't do cocaine. Have you ever murdered someone? And the cops say, have you murdered someone? Say no. You've been murdered.
Look, I still don't do cocaine.
Hey, if you break the law, don't tell the police about it. Do not tell them.
I know what you're saying.
The people who are going to be like,
there's some people that think they're so fucking clever
that I had two officers, I'm fine.
It's like, you're fucked.
Never trust the pigs, baby.
Unless it's Spencer's weight. No, they're your friend. They also just want to go home. Yeah. You know? I'm fine It's like you're fucked Never trust the pigs baby Yeah Don't stay on his way
No they're your friends
They also just want to go home
Yeah
You know
Yeah
But then it's also like
Well then why the fuck
Did you pull me over
I guess it's like
We're trying to get it to you
We're not trying to write up
A DUI sort of thing
Yeah yeah yeah
He probably has a dash cam
They got clothes
That's why you don't
You gotta stay the speed limit
In August
No that's why you gotta have
A suspended license at all times
Cause maybe you'll get away with it because they'll be like,
I don't want to fucking tow your car and all that shit.
So never mind.
I was just trying to write a ticket.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm in the market for an Audi.
Any of you fans out there, Audi dealers in Queens,
hit me up, Tommy J. Pope on Instagram.
Send me some deals.
Is that why you want to come on this fucking show?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I wanted to say it last week, but it didn't happen.
What do you think?
You just spent $20,000 on water balls.
You don't have any money for a Vespa and an Audi.
I'm going to get the Audi first.
You think the Audi...
That's what I put in the trunk when I'm fucked up.
You think the fucking, like...
I can close one eye driving a car.
Dude, that'd be so great.
Pull up in an Audi, pop the chunk, pull a vest.
Cruising around the beach town fucked up.
Dude.
I love the thought that all the Audis are going to start falling from the sky from Tommy.
As if we wouldn't have been doing this for fucking...
By the way, if someone gives Tommy an Audi before me, I'm going to be pissed.
The other thing I would say is...
You would be nice to us.
You think they're hooking up Audis to get... No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, you know, put me going to be pissed. The other thing we had to ask you would be nice to us. You think they're hooking up Audis to get us?
No, no, no, no.
I'm just saying, like, you know, put me in the right direction,
shave a little bit off.
When I got my last car, it was the worst time for my lease to expire.
It was right when cars were like, you can't get a car for like four years.
It probably will, by the way.
You're on your second one?
I'm also looking for some La Couchée. I'm telling you, bro.
I'm telling you, there's some pixie dust in there.
Kevin, I've been training for this.
I know what you're saying.
This is actually also delicious.
I'm not just fucking with you.
Yeah?
Just like that hat looks great on you.
This is good in my belly.
I love this.
I love this.
Kevin, I'm not fucked up
you look great
I don't have a car
oh shit
yo cut that
yo if you got
if you got your if you got If you got your
If you got a testicle removed
Would you want a placeholder
Fake one, or would you just roll one up
Rolling Uno is so cool
I think so too
And then she'd be fucking enamored
She'd be bopping that thing around
Yeah, it's so much easier
I'd get a replacement you would get it yeah
he got he got it he had testicular cancer and they removed it and i it sounded like without
his consent like they didn't really talk about it he woke up from the surgery and they had put
a placeholder in and the doctor said to him like most men like just insecurity wise like yeah that
makes sense like they want like they don't want
to be the guy with one it does not do anything for you you can have one and you're fine it doesn't
matter but like just apparently guys want to have two nuts i don't think i would have a problem with
it at all just i've been thinking about this since yes just one nut i i just it doesn't make a
difference to me at all yeah i think balls are just like whatever i don't have like pride in
them i don't care about them you could take them both i don't give a shit it depends on the size
of the bag and hanging a weight in one arm you know what i mean it's like i don't but that's
what i mean if there really was i wouldn't want to think about it if i had a fake nut i would
never think about it see i think i would i think i'd just be like i'd be scrubbing you'd be scrubbing
your balls in the shower and go like oh damn, damn it. Gravity. You don't scrub your nuts. Gravity. You wash your hair
and they're done.
You gotta get to...
You gotta get in there.
That you gotta get.
That's the smelliest place.
Ew.
I knew you'd fuck that up.
Can you believe that?
Can you believe...
What's the smellier place on you?
Your belly button?
No, I'm just saying.
Don't talk about it.
Can you believe that women
will go in there?
Pizza boxes.
What? Can you believe that women get in there there what you believe that women like get in there clean shit yeah disgusting no well disgusting no no like you
were you were appalled at just him bringing it up he likes talking about real gross shit no but
i'm saying you were you were just talking about beheadings and shit in boxes that's fine
but there's a line There is a fucking Draw the line Don't gross me out
Talk about it
I'm trying to enjoy
How much you might smell
They like dicks
I don't think they do
They have to
Well I don't know
Dude the vagina is
Like going home with a guy
From a bar
If you're not
Hardwired to be like
That's the coolest shit ever
Vaginas are
Retardedly gross
Yes
Yes
You know what I mean But it's like It's a You disagree You keep it on You're like That's the coolest shit ever. Vaginas are retardedly gross. Yes, yes.
You know what I mean?
But it's like...
You disagree.
You keep it on.
You're like, oh, wow.
No, when it's a perfect vagina...
Hold on, hold on.
Hey, hold on.
I'm actually more entertained by the horrific ones.
Imperfect ones.
There's two types of vaginas.
It's like Japanese pottery.
It has a mistake in it.
It's more beautiful because it's got hair it's
japanese yo if you don't think i'm calling pussy japanese pottery
you're fucking nuts i got some japanese pottery this weekend when you see one that's just like
perfect like what is a barbie doll we're getting playboy right now i want something that's fucking i'm gonna go i get pretty excited about those ones too when you see a perfect
what does that thing smell good it's small and tight and pink gross you know what it's like
what do you think it's like uh it's like when you leave the hotel room to go get a coffee or
sandwich you come back your bed's made. You're like, that's perfect.
Sloppy quarters.
The comforter's like laying off the side.
This old trash. I booked this whole vacation right here.
Yeah, I want a pussy that's made.
Like my bed.
Girls, make your pussy before you go out.
Every morning I want it made.
But, okay, I know what you're saying. totally get it uh you know even like so they have if you're watching like porn when they when like like they get in there i'm like i don't need to see that
you know i don't need to see your cervix but inherently how long are you watching porn
how long am i watching porn yeah like how many years have I been watching it or the duration of porn?
The duration.
In a session.
What's your average?
Not long.
Dude,
I watch thumbnails.
I have not been watching porn
like at all recently.
Kind of concerned.
You what?
You what?
Yeah,
what's going on?
I don't know.
I just realized it right now
because I was like,
wait a second.
You don't watch porn?
Is that what you're saying?
No,
I'm not gonna,
listen,
I'm not,
I'm not,
I'm not cuskering this that is a really good feeling
when you're like you've been working you've been busy and you just haven't jerked off and you
haven't even thought about it you're like oh my god i'm like a real person i i did that very
recently i went away i was like i i was guys i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna hold on i i was gone
for like the last week,
and I was staying for a few days before that.
I was with my brother.
And so I went almost two weeks, no porn, no jerking off, nothing.
And exactly that.
I was like, damn, this is pretty good.
Two weeks.
I got back to New York, my apartment.
Blast off.
Bro.
Paint the walls.
It was a mess.
Yes.
It wasn't actually a mess, but I was like, I sat on my couch.
I was watching the NBA Finals.
So it was Sunday night.
And I was like.
Speaking of the NBA Finals.
Pop this on mute real quick.
And we just watched porn.
Jimmy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have such a crush on Jimmy.
It's got to be like when you smoke a brisket for like 12 hours.
And you're like.
That first load. You're like, this is going to be huge.
That first load's falling off the bone.
How you doing?
How you doing?
How is it that you don't?
You know what sucks, though, is that you just get the one.
And then you're right back.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
You're right back to normal.
You can't even get a second one of those.
Listen, it's just like going to the gym. You can eat whatever you want.
You can beat off whenever you want.
Just live.
You don't have to torture yourself for two weeks.
I'm with you on that.
There was a time
when I was younger.
You're busy for two straight weeks without looking at your burger.
We haven't talked in a while.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I didn't.
How do you fall asleep?
I would watch Dutch TV.
If you told.
Here's where I'm not a good guesser.
That would have been one million.
Well, he's.
I don't.
He was in.
I was in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You were in Amsterdam.
Not jerking off.
Yeah, dude.
I was with my parents. Answer to off yeah dude I was with my
he went dancing
with his family
I was with my mom
my brother
he used to beat off
in a bunk bed
my brother's underneath
dude these beds
we were like
me and my brother
shared a room
we were like
this close to each other
it was wild
like you know
European hotels
are like small anyway
it was like
put a couple
big Feidelberg boys
in there
it's not a good thing
now it's starting
to make sense
I could have been in the shower,
but I think I'm too old to jerk off in the shower.
Do they still have the shit shelf over there?
What's that?
The shit shelf.
What's that?
Amsterdam, when I was there,
was like they were making toilets
where there's no water that you shit into.
You shit on like a...
It's still like a toilet,
but you shit onto like a platform
and then water rushes it down
into the front no we didn't have that we had a regular toilet it's insane they got mcdonald's
over there dude i can't even tell you like you don't you don't realize how much work
water's doing to cover up the smell no i do
dutch toilets and i i mean i didn't know what to google so i just said amsterdam toilet shelf
and that's dutch toilets and the poop shelf yes the purpose of the shelf is inspection
wait a minute you might have been using the fucking shelf wrong let's see
no there's there's no water to shit into unless you you put your asshole all the way at the front of the toilet. Are you sitting on a toilet still? Yes.
Okay.
So it's a dry toilet.
Yeah.
And then what happens?
The water rushes down from the tank into the front.
Like, in the very front, there's a little, like, hole, like a regular, like, what you'd
flush shit down.
Okay.
But the shelf itself is just dry.
So you're basically just shitting into a dry toilet.
Yes.
Jesus, dude.
It's insane.
Is there the same waters in it?
I would guess so.
I guess there's no water.
No splashback, I guess.
I don't know.
Dude, it...
I like the splashback.
You like the splashback?
Yeah, I like it too.
It's like a bidet
if you don't have one.
It's shit and piss water, guys.
I know, but there's also...
To that point...
You like...
It's like a bidet.
I hate when me and O'Connor are like,
yeah.
There are definitely times where I'm like,
yeah.
The adults over here don't want
piss blowing up their butt.
You guys weren't going to hear me. O'Connor was just
talking about what we ate last night.
We weren't even on the podcast.
I was like, what did you eat in your sleep last night?
How about you? I had lunch cart chicken
and rice
no but dude
to that point
we were saying earlier
about like things
where you feel athletic
in weird situations
it's like
when you fire off a dump
and water splashes back up
you're like
it's like doing
a perfect cannonball
also like it like just an angel perfect cannonball. Also, like,
it like,
just an angel kiss to your butthole.
It's like that Cheerios commercial
where the milk goes,
what?
A perfect drop,
and it just goes,
I know exactly what it was.
It goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes,
it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it. If you don't have a fucking bidet, grow up, get real.
I don't know how Americans are not washing their bun every day.
I've never used one once.
Oh.
Scared I'll drown.
I'm kidding about that, but I'm not kidding whenever you use a bidet.
He's on a bidet and he's just, water's coming out of his mouth.
I told you.
I didn't turn it off.
Yeah, no. It does I told you. I didn't turn it off. Yeah, no.
It does grow.
It does grow on you.
I've like reached
the point now
where if I'm in a hotel
and I'm shitting
and I like reach
for the thing
and it's not there
and I'm like,
really?
Well, then you got to
water up all the paper
and then you get fucking caught.
It is like Pandora's box.
Yeah, like you go.
It's like the Matrix.
You know,
once you go over that,
once you get used to a bidet, all of a sudden
you got to go back to it.
Plus, if your butthole's a little itchy,
that hose is nice.
Again, don't need
to hear that.
The faces I'm making on the toilet are
insane.
The way you just open your legs a little.
That face right there.
Dude, you have a whole Twitter guy that just says Chris O'Connor coming.
And it's that face.
He's got a Twitter troll that just says Chris O'Connor coming.
And he posts on everything he says, Chris O'Connor coming.
It just goes.
Really?
You made it, babe.
That's how you do it.
The bidet is, it's weird that it's not you do it. The bidet is...
It's weird that it's not in our culture.
I don't know why.
It's crazy.
What is the barrier?
I know it's kind of been accepted more recently.
I would say ignorance,
but also the plumbing situation in Europe
is so entirely different.
They run their...
The water systems in Italy
go underneath the cities and they run the flow their the water systems in like Italy go like underneath
the cities
and they run the
the flow of the water
into the
they do
they like
all the
where do you think
our plumbing is
no I know
but no no
we drive
those are power lines
we drive it from
the water
it's like
their cities are
underneath the water
so I think they have
more access
and it's just more
part of their culture
just more leisurely people yeah but you have they have two access and it's just more part of their culture. Just more leisurely people.
Yeah, but they have two toilets.
We don't have fucking space for two toilets.
That's not true.
Well, maybe you do, millionaire.
But let me tell you something.
Except for like New York City,
everywhere in America,
you can put the toilet next to a toilet.
Doesn't it make you feel like
there's something going on with big toilet?
Like they're trying to stop the bidet.
You would think that it would just become like...
It's just like evolution.
Like we got better at cleaning our asses.
Back in the day, it used to just shit into a shelf.
And then eventually there was water in the toilet.
And then eventually you have a bidet.
But we just...
America just seemed to stop at dry toilet paper.
It's very strange.
No, because we're fucking...
We're driven people, dude.
We don't sit around
and wash our buttholes of water.
You just shit,
you wipe,
and you get to fucking work.
That's right.
That's why you have an itchy ass.
You put your head down,
even all day at work,
you're itchy ass,
because it's bacterial.
We're chopping wood,
the nation of itchy assholes.
Guess what?
Itchy assholes.
You want to get motivated?
That actually might be the thing.
They're like, if they get back here in the next,
they'll get the fucking railroad.
You walk faster.
You do work faster because your butt's infected.
Holy shit.
This is it.
Yeah.
It feels like there's a monster nipping at your hand.
Well, that's why I'm so peaceful these days.
I'm washing my hands.
Yeah, we're not. Yeah. You got to. why I'm so peaceful these days. I'm washing my hands. Yeah, we're not.
Yeah, you got to.
Maybe it's going to ruin us.
I'm fucked up.
Pete Alonzo told a story on a podcast the other day.
Just resurfaced.
How old was that clip, Pat?
That clip with Pete that I sent to the group today?
Talking about, he was on a podcast with Ken Rosenthal.
I don't know when it was recently.
It was recently or a long ago. Anyway, he was like, I. Ken Rosenthal, also don't know when it was recently. It was recently or a long ago.
Anyway, he was like...
Ken Rosenthal, also a guy you just pick up at a bar.
Totally.
You can put that guy in your pocket, man.
He's like Elf on a Shelf in a dugout.
Fuck that guy.
And fuck Pete Alonzo, too.
Pete Alonzo said he mistimed his coffee
like too close to the game.
And he was like, top of the second inning, I'm leading off.
And he was like, I got to take a shit.
And he was like, I don't care where this first pitch is.
It's going in play.
He hit a home run.
Of course he did.
And ran back to the—
Also, this whole coffee makes me shit thing is so dumb.
I hate it.
Yeah, it's like, if I take a coffee, I gotta go dump right away. No, it's
in your head.
I think you're out of your mind. No.
I can drink a pot of coffee anytime,
any day.
So you're saying you control your asshole with your mind?
Yeah. You have weird
shitting problems. You got a whole pack of friends that breathe
through their asshole. What I'm saying is
I don't act like a child after I've ever talked to them.
What was that about?
What does that mean? Were they at like were they showing you dude i i was in going into freshman year high school i like so i played football hockey lacrosse all year and then
my football buddies i didn't play freshman football okay my so all my buddies who played
football i like didn't hang out with them in the fall
and I chilled with like my other friends
and then I started hanging out
with them again after football season was over
and they like
they learned butthole tricks
that's fucking
you gotta raise some questions
what happened
I remember the first I was like
sleeping over at my buddy's house
and it was just like they were into crazy shit, dude.
They found out that one guy's dick was huge.
They made him jerk off to show me how big his dick was.
And then he came in the sheets, and my buddy kicked his ass.
Very funny story.
And then my other buddy was breathing in and out of his asshole.
Do you guys have questions yet?
So many.
What do you mean?
You guys didn't go through this?
Dude, you played a game called Who's Got the Littlest Penis.
I didn't play the game.
Someone played it.
I just happened to be in the room.
That was me.
I wasn't doing it.
Also, that was last year.
Wait, so the group...
No, that makes sense.
That makes a lot of sense.
That was like nine months ago.
You just walk into the room and everybody points at you like,
who's little B is?
Dude, that sounds to me like your freshman friends,
you guys were freshmen,
some shit happened in the locker room that kind of like happens in the locker room.
Yeah, it was the first time everyone was like showering.
You're like, let's jerk off in the sheets.
I bet the upper class on the football team would have been like,
you did what?
No, no, no.
We were just having some fun in the shower.
You don't have your friends jerk off in the benches.
No, dude.
The fucking seniors were nuts, dude.
They were amazing shit?
No, no, no, no.
This was just,
because they were only just on the freshman football team.
There was like, there was freshman
and then there was JV and varsity.
So it was just,
so it was the friends. What? So it was just So it was the friends
What?
And they all just
Wait you guys just
Watched the dude beat off
The seniors were nuts
The seniors were like
You just wait
You just watched
I don't care about acid anymore
Did you watch a guy
Beat off with your friends?
To completion
Yeah yeah
We were playing Mario Kart
And this dude was just
Under his sheets
Beating off?
Yeah they were like
Stop acting like this is normal
Was he
I feel like in my head He wasn't under his sheets He just had dick, they were like, not acting like this is normal. Was he? I feel like in my head
he wasn't under the sheets.
He just had dick out.
No, no.
He was jerking off under the covers,
like using the covers.
And we were sleeping over
at my other buddy's house.
Using the covers?
Yeah, yeah.
He was like using the sheets.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a condom?
Yeah.
And then he was like trying to get it
like as big as possible.
And then he was just like,
oh, oh. And my other buddy buddy spaz just started punching him it's very funny i'm just trying to get there
i'm about a mile away from the destination of funny a ninth grader with like a fucking
10 inch cock hard as hell just getting pounded just after coming
yeah but i'm still like shocked about like you guys are just like and he's like
and then what the one guy comes to his senses he goes shut the fuck up no it was his sheets
oh okay so he's like stop coming to my sheets he came all over my sheets. He got pissed.
But he was okay with jerking off.
Using his sheets.
You could rub your dick all over it.
That story has a pretty strong foretelling.
I think I could have told you.
We're not doing M. Night Shyamalan here.
We know how this movie ends.
With a load of your sheets.
You didn't see that coming.
I said you could jerk off.
I didn't say you could cum.
Bro, that is one of the wackiest stories
I've ever heard.
I'm not going to lie.
Your friends didn't get into crazy gay shit
in high school?
Me, personally?
No, I actually didn't,
but I also won't begrudge anybody.
Yeah, no, we did.
When he tells his gay stories,
I'm like,
I never played on a team that was that gay.
Me and my friends, like, I don't think we did a lot of, like, the dick wristwatch tricks.
But if I see that shit or hear those stories, I don't really, I'm like, whatever.
That's cool.
Do you ever have the dude in class do this thing?
But, like, me and my friends, what?
Do this thing?
Where he, like, pretends he's pulling a string from his pants, but it's just his boner lifting his pants up.
See, I didn't see that, but if I saw that, I would laugh at that. That's cool. That's funny.
That's like a little
magic trick.
Me being like, yo, my boners were just
above my belt buckle.
Like your friend's butthole.
Just sperm whale above my butthole.
It looks like the cover of Jaws.
The shark coming up
Fighting it's way out
That's why when
When it was
When it was like
Summertime
And you're in a bathing suit
And you're at that age
Where you could still
You know
Your dick's just
Got a mind of it's own
Yeah
What do you do then
You know what I mean
You do the tuck
And it's like
Dangerous territory
I never had to tuck
In class
I tucked yesterday
I tucked
I tucked in church
All the time
Church was my big tuck.
But if you don't have a shirt on, you know what I mean?
Oh, you're at the beach.
Yeah, if you're at the beach, it's like you got to have it.
The band is covering the tip, but that's not high enough.
You got to take a knee.
I went to the side.
Okay, Patrick Dilling.
No, I would do that.
I'd throw it over my shoulder.
And I'd just hold it here. i'd have my hand in my pocket
and i'd have it you see that and then you're like yeah it's just my hand yeah and then i came in the
sheets that's that's weird bro all that all this other stuff we're talking about normal you guys
being like the one with the big dick jerk off and come that's weird that's great well we had a buddy
with a big dick who uh but like we didn't make him jerk off in common we're just like yo me show him and then we had a dude in sixth grade who was full grown he was a gorilla
and he would show us his pubes like in the hallway bro i didn't get pulled by junior year high school
dude we slept over this kid's house we got we got arrested throwing eggs at uh chucky cheese
sixth grade good old fun yeah we had a sleepover party and we all of us grabbed eggs threw Chuck E. Cheese
cops came
took us back to this kid's house
my mother didn't want me
to sleep over there
because she knew the parents
were bad news
and I was like mom
he's a good guy
about midnight
we're all trying to fall
I love that
to throw eggs
pregnant pause
that's not a lot
hold on
at midnight
we're all like
trying to fall asleep
because we're
again sixth grade
we hear a hog pull up.
It's like...
Fucking Harley.
We listen to his mom get railed for like 25, 30 minutes.
Yelping like a hyena.
That's pretty awesome.
Single mom.
At that age, that's pretty fucking cool.
There's like eight kids sleeping over,
and she's just getting fucking her head drywalled.
Oh my fucking God, dude.
Yeah.
Dude.
That's so gross.
The point is your parents are right when they say you can't go have a peanut butter and jelly with that kid.
The parents are fucked up.
Listen to your parents.
Where's that kid now?
He's fucked up.
He's dead, actually.
Yeah, he's dead.
I swear to God.
Fell off a cliff, dead.
Yeah, yeah.
You can't.
Oh, poor Farhar, inshallah. Yes, yeah, you can't. Oh, poor Farhar, inshallah.
Yes.
Dude, you can't.
He's dead.
He's dead.
I know.
Yeah, dude, you can't.
And they're right, because there was another kid I loved.
He was my best friend in public school before I shifted to Catholic school.
And I was just like, can I go to his house for lunch?
And they're like, no.
I'm like, what do you mean?
And they're like, I'm a kid.
I'm like, we're just going to go to Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. Yeah, no go peanut butter and jelly sandwich you cannot and then i got to like i don't know about it man
they're not they're not telling you no because like yeah yeah you know yeah but you don't know
as a kid right yeah because that kid's also just kid you just don't know their parents
i'm starting to learn this like i couldn't tell my kids you can't go over to your parents because
they're fucking despicable of course because they going to go my dad says that your parents are despicable
and that dad's beating
your ass while you're coming
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laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing Yeah, you hang out with your parents the whole time. Right, right. No one else's families will let them hang out with you, and I spend every waking hour with you.
It's not going to go good for me.
You got to stab someone in the J train
because no one ate lunch with you.
Dude, all of this is to say,
the period of time, I feel like,
before you become like a fucking horny weirdo,
but you're old enough to like between ages of
three and four that it is a small window but when you're like old enough that like you know your
parents aren't like holding your hand everywhere you can like go out ride your bikes and meet your
buddies and you're you're playing sports you're hanging out you're not really like drinking like
an alcoholic piece of shit yet, and you're not chasing pussy
like chasing Japanese pottery like
you're a fucking pervert. There's that small
sweet spot where life is just
perfect. That doesn't happen anymore, though, dude.
I guess not. You're probably right.
Even if it's one of my time, you're six now.
It's gone.
Video games, technology,
Bezos.
I was also like, I was stressed when I was a kid.
Were you?
Yeah.
About what?
Well, I guess you were jerking off on cheats.
Well, I always wanted to have like the most fun time,
and I had a bunch of different groups of friends,
so I'd make plans with all of them.
I'd be like, yeah, I'm definitely coming over.
This is heavy, bro.
Then I would find out who's doing the coolest thing and just go to that.
Oh, you are a piece of shit.
When people used to say,
I'm having a party,
and someone would go, who's there?
It's like, me, motherfucker. Am I not good enough?
Fuck you, don't come.
If I say him, you're going to come.
If I say him, he's not going to come.
Who's all going?
No fucking way.
If you ever got a response, who's all going that does not fuck you man so you would just blow off
like five or six other people because the seventh one was doing the best yeah you have like a chart
about like distance if this then yes dude we had a friend like that how much fun can you have how
much potters at one point we had a buddy like that and like it was it it worked
almost reverse where like it was great for us too because when you showed up we were like we got the
one baby it was all like we had a friend who knew your party was the best we knew he bailed all the
time like he was so like when he showed up it was an event because he again he had like he went to
a different school so he had like different groups of friends and like oh he came tonight let's go and it was like a little shot in the ass for the
party yeah and when you missed out on stuff oh dude yeah when you'd call someone when you call
your friend and be like is you know is john there and they'd be like no he's at charlie's and then
you call charlie's house you know like it's charlie there and like no he's at john's you're like these motherfuckers are having the best time where are they then it's just like strap on the roller
search party
young chris on rollerblades looking for the party. Full of sad stories.
Dating by.
Rollerblades never worn.
Is anybody using this cane?
Because I'd love to rock that.
Anyone got an Audi that could lend me?
I didn't say lend.
All I'm saying is I want the opportunity if somebody has got an Audi They can lend me I didn't say lend All I'm saying is
I want to
The opportunity
If somebody has got an in
You missed a good one Jack
It's been a fucking
I'm so sorry Jack
Did I interrupt you?
What?
Did I interrupt you?
No
You drive a car
Not an Audi for me
You know anybody with an Audi?
Let's do Answer the Internet.
Let's do that.
Stuff Island.
Patreon.
Download it.
Hold on.
I want to come on and look at this.
Yeah, come on.
Say less.
Can I come on and look at this?
Yes, you can.
You look so good.
Damn good.
We just made arancini.
I know.
I'm fucking watching.
I want some arancini.
Arancini de rosa.
Link. subscribe.
What was the gay show that Foley does?
Mozzarella stick balls that were pretty good too.
You did.
We made Fontina mozzarella sticks with the leftovers.
I don't know what that is, but that sounds good.
Fontina is cheese.
Cheese?
Yeah.
It's a WAP steak.
Come over.
Make some WAP steaks.
You send me a time.
I'll be there. No, I'm just kidding. I'm going you send me a time I'll be there
I'm gonna send
you a time
you confirm
I'll say
oh shit
we got some
stuff going on
what is
actually
two weeks
what is actually
your daily schedule
we don't have
I mean
it varies every day
we do a lot though
I mean we do
a lot of interviews
so
it wasn't accusatory
well that's how
you thought
so what is actually actually your day you know it's like me going i didn't mean nothing by it
i'm sorry this is how my family talks it's funny how quickly like
i'll start a week being like all right it's a light week and then it's just fucking not yeah
like as it stands i'm now a half hour late for the rundown which will make oh yeah yeah yeah let's go three i'm
supposed to do another podcast let's go yeah okay go all right thanks សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.