KFC Radio - Mike Cannon Got Screwed by Barstool - Full Episode

Episode Date: September 26, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 04:00 The toll being a parent has on your body 07:55 Dogs are getting too big for their britches 13:26 Having goons aka large friends 23:38 The Rock 30:45 SkankFest 37:25 Stone Cold doesn't believe in CTE 48:55 Dating tall chicks 54:04 Cannon's special produced by Chrissy D 56:18 Cannon was supposed to join Barstool 1:07:04 Video Voicemails ++++++++++++++++++++ PRESENTED BY JACKPOCKET: New customers, use code KFC and you’ll get your first ticket free at https://jackpocket.onelink.me/sY17/KFC GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, NY Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY. 18 or older (19+ in Nebraska, 21+ in Arizona). Void where prohibited. Promo code required for $2 non-withdrawable credit. Prize amount may differ at time of drawing. Terms jackpocket.com/tos/free-ticket-promo/ Express: Use code SADBOYSZN for an extra 20% off your purchase online or in store Jack Black Skincare: For 10% off your order & FREE Shipping, head to https://JackBlack.com/KFC and use code KFC. Helium Mobile: Get 1 month FREE with code KFC at https://hellohelium.com/kfc CANN: Head to https://DrinkCann.com and use code RADIO30 for 30% off your order of Cann and get free shipping.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Just boom! It's it. Farhead to pole. What is that, Dad? I'm like, that's my knee. It's like, that's smaller than a knee. KFC Radio is presented to you by Jack Pocket.

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No socks. Well, I got the low socks. Okay. You know, if I have high socks on, this is something that started happening when I got old. If I have like higher socks on, my body temperature goes up like 9 000 degrees no shit like if i have if i like dress socks or whatever i'm my whole body fucks up that's the one thing that's like actually triggered me online is that you know millennial versus gen z you can tell bro i get livid at that livid i can't wait what's the issue when i see like when i see this doofus you too you do it

if i see like high tube socks like white tube socks pulled up i'm like that is the biggest loser shit in the world like growing up like when we i can't believe you can do it because when we were growing up it was like that is if i were to like you know make a cartoon and we're making a nerd like socks pulled up well exactly dude it's like all of this stuff was built off of our decisions. Right. So our reaction to our fathers was to wear low socks. Yeah. And we're like, you didn't show any calf muscles. You had brutal bodies like, all right, we're going athletic with this shit. And now Gen Z is like, look at these fucking squares showing their Achilles.

And it's like, get out of here, here dude we're all ebbing and flowing off each other I know it all goes so cyclical that it's funny when anybody gets upset about any of it it's like it's just gonna come back and standing online getting my son school clothes for kindergarten and like being behind these 14 year old dipshits in legitimate Janko jean shorts and like striped oversized t-shirts I'm like i literally fucking wore that to school it's 90s style of course yeah this is in your face hang on let me fix this the uh i i always tell the story of one time i was i was at a like a rental house with some friends and my buddy who is not a handsome man had brought his girlfriend and and it's my first

time meeting her and i at the time had worn like uh like the no-show socks and they came downstairs and she saw me in those and she was like oh my god i would never fuck anybody in those socks and i was like okay so you do have standards because you're fucking my abomination of a friend damn damn it's just the socks pulled him up mid-calf she couldn't see how ugly he was most of the shit i do understand is is like uh cyclical but the socks i can't get behind yeah i mean i i do it like now i'm just it's whatever won't get me made fun of i'm back in middle school as a 39 year old man. It's like, whatever, dude, whatever is going to keep you bullies away from me.

You look good, man. Oh, I appreciate it. I'm, you know, I'm starving myself. You feel good. I gave you a little hug. You fell hard. I did. Yeah, dude.

It's calisthenics. You got those Instagram ads too? You got to be down. How many pounds? Like 20 pounds, I guess. Like, I don't know. I literally started training for my second son.

Like once my wife got pregnant with the second kid, I was like... I'm sorry. I just gotta call... My mic is just slowly falling. It's just a disaster. I can't figure this out. It's just titty fucking you. It's like broken and it won't stay up. Can I un-attack it? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck out of here. Okay. There we we go what were you saying about your wife i just said that motivated the only thing that motivated me to get in shape was how many times i injured myself picking up my first son so it's like all right now i'm gonna stretch for the first time in my life yo that like 45 degree bend to the crib yeah like that that's no no bueno for no back, bro. No. Dude, my five-year-old is the most physical kid on planet Earth. Every room I walk into, I'm defending myself. I'm in a full brawl any time I turn a corner.

So I'm like, I got to stretch for the first time in my life. We were playing a game the other day. I named the game, I think i called the game unstoppable force and it's just like um it's like a uh i'm a mechanical ball like they jump on my back and i have to throw them off of me and i i obviously i'm the one who came up with this game but now they're like can we play unstoppable force and i'm like no that was a one-time thing bro and when we play it they want to do like 30 rounds of it i'm literally like there's nothing quite as bad as your kids being like are you okay dad when you're like playing a game you're like dude the amount of times my son has been like mom dad's hurt can you wrestle

jesus christ dude you just immediately put me in my place you're right i'm a beta father the other day keegan just like popped the top off and was like, let's go. Oh, that's awesome. Dude, see, this is – I don't want to do this. I was at my nephew's second birthday this weekend, and he had it at some jungle gym. And I was there, and I was just kind of like watching him and watching his friends. And I was like, man, I could rock with kids. You would fit right in.

Not in having them. Yeah, yeah. No, totally. Oh, I don't want to have them. I just want to play with kids. You would fit right in. Not in having them. Yeah, yeah. No, totally. I don't want to have them. I just want to play with them. Dude, all they did was wrestle, say dumb shit, and stare off into the distance. I was like, that's extremely my shit.

Dude, that's how you get tricked, though, is uncles get that glimpse and be like, I could actually, this is like my dream life. And then the everydayness of it becomes like, you're a running back in the NFL. You have 10 car accidents per week. Your body feels like, holy shit, how do I even recover from this? No, I don't want to have them.

But I was like, if they had like adult day passes to daycare, I'd go chill for a bit. That sounds pretty good. I feel like we wouldn't have kids. That's like a coupon book they found at Diddy's house. Adult day passes to daycare. I feel like we wouldn't have kids. That's like a coupon book they found at Diddy's house. All that and very suspect here. Just want to play with the kids. I need a coupon book. I show up and call the cops.

The cop would be like, what are you doing? I'm just here for the vibes. They expire in 25. I can't let these expire. I got ahead of before that. I remember going to the dog park without a dog. That's kind of what you're talking about. You did that?

I remember during one of many of the quarter life crisis and then midlife crisis. And there was times where I would just find myself walking around Manhattan just aimlessly being like, what is life? And what am I doing? Sort of thing. And walked by one of the Upper East Side dog parks and just like went in there and sat on one of the benches without a dog and just kind of like pet all the dogs that walked by. And I was like, I hope nobody, because nobody, you know,

you let your dog off the leash. It's like, nobody really knows if I have a dog here or not. Right, right. But I know. I know what's going on and it ain't good. You're bacon spilling out of your pockets. You're being too overeager. Come here, pup.

Come here, pup. Come with me. Wow. Look of your pockets. You're being too overeager. Come here, pup. Come here, pup. Come with me. Wow, look at your dog. How old? I've stopped petting dogs. Nice. I won't do it in an elevator. People give me weird looks.

I'm like, no. I'm fucking... Dogs have gotten on it too high. I'm with you on this crusade. But are we going all the way? Because now you're jumping into territory where people are going to start talking about you that's fine okay that's fine we've been on a like not an anti-dog crusade but an anti-dog people crusade where i'm right there with you

okay join the movement everybody i feel like if we all say it out loud more people because i swear i mean there really was a time in america where like the only thing you couldn't do was blackface and dogs yeah like those are the two things two things you would get absolutely flamed for if you said anything bad about dogs. And then we got out of control. And we've talked about it ad nauseum on the show. They're in the restaurants. They're in the fucking hotels.

They're sitting on top of you, and the owner's not even paying attention. The dogs are in blackface. And everyone calls them the doggos and the good boys and the good girls. And the internet was like, send me your dogs. It's like, shut the fuck up. No, much like children, it's not their fault.

It's the owner's fault. And it's kind of, because I have this exact same problem, but anytime I bring it up in any kind of rural area, they don't get it. Because it's a New York City thing, I think, where owners make you responsible for their problems. So they'll make the dog let it walk across the entire fucking sidewalk and you have to hurdle it or limbo or do something to get out of the way of their living sentient being that and it's like no dude i'm gonna punt your fucking pooch in the

middle of the road and it has nothing to do with the animal it has everything to do with you you're gonna catch a stray yeah because of your as your your owner. That was exactly when I started to turn because I've said that dogs used to be like, they knew where they were on the totem pole. And they'd be like, oh, it's a person. I'll get out of his way. And they don't do that anymore because they got too much confidence. We gave them too much power.

It's like Costanza with, we had a deal. You guys used to respect us as people. And now you guys know you run the show. Dogs got a taste of the hot white lady life, and they're not giving it up. They're like, what is it, a yes at every door? I'm 100% in on this shit. We're holding on to it. They have meetings.

I don't care if you're a chihuahua or a fucking doodle. You hold on to that. You can tell dogs are getting too uppity because they're maintaining eye contact during shit. They're just like, yeah, this is where I go i go pick it up pick it up with your hands i mean the minute the minute that any species sees you picking up their shit they know who has dominance for sure it's the beginning of the planet of the apes i mean like the dogs i i almost think and i don't know i haven't had a dog in a while dogs might be too dumb to know that they're in charge. But my cats on that tip, like, I mean, having one kid knocked my love for my cats down like 80%. Having two kids, I want them out.

Like, they're a pure chore. They have nothing. They're not offering anything. There's no love. There's no reciprocation. I think that happens with a lot of dogs, too. Again, people won't admit it. But, you know, there's a lot of that talk of, like, I know what it's like to have a kid with a dog.

And then people who have dogs or people who kids are like shut the fuck i would even like i would like my cats a little bit more if they looked happy to see me but one of like my one cat bro yeah my one cat lenny is cool he follows my wife around and it's kind of like a wet nurse almost and then my cat george is like a medieval king cursed to be a cat like he's just an absolute piece of shit will lock eyes with you and be like what is this a family heirloom right off of a high perch it's like dude i want to drown this thing i know a guy uh well no i know a guy who knows a guy um they had i think they had like a baby they had a dog and then they had a baby and the dog was like not might have been a cat i'm gonna i'm gonna say it was a dog for the the real effect of this yeah but it was not getting along with the uh with the baby and they know like this guy who's

just like you know like a lifelong criminal just like sort of scumbag piece of shit and he just took this animal whether it's cat or dog took it out on a boat, tied a brick to it and dropped it in the water. Oh, wow. That's not where I saw that going at all. He killed it? Wow. I don't dislike him that much.

That's crazy. I think they were kind of like, we need to get rid of this cat. And I think they didn't realize that he took it literally. I think they thought he was going to take it rid of this cat and i think they didn't realize that like he took it literally like i think they thought he was gonna take it off of their hands yeah i'll keep it or i know somebody or they just you gotta have an idea when you call like johnny the wrench hey keep taking care of this cat for me he's probably not gonna give it a loving i mean certainly he'd knock it unconscious before putting it in the water. No, he wouldn't. At the very least, break his neck first.

Yeah, old yeller the shit out of this cat. I have no problem with that. But to look it in the eyes as it's breathing. That's crazy. It is crazy. It's one of the craziest stories. Yeah, that is like, I was like, I don't even want to know why you know that guy. Yeah.

I don't want to know why you have him on that quick of a dial that he can just like, yeah, I'll be over there today to kill your cat. But also, you want to have people like that in your life, too, though. The one dude in my life that has definitely killed animals and has gone to jail for that, I've lost his number. That was a couple numbers ago. And then we lost contact and every once in a while he'll pop up on facebook say guess who's out of camp and it's him with a brand new faded tattoo that he got 10 days ago yeah i mean i i feel like you if i like to be um i like to know some people like that.

It makes me just feel good about it. Yeah. I like that, you know, if shit ever went down, I know a guy. Sort of thing. A hundred percent. The minute that you don't have

any connection to that is like, you're not even, you're just living some foo-foo fake life. Truly. I have friends, like one of my friends,

Anthony, he's the best. And I say, it's like being friends with a pit bull who is like not housebroken and who like just got out of like bad news kennels like it's just like twitchy and all that shit because he'll bite you every once in a while and he's my friend he's one of my best friends he will fucking bite me he put a knife to my chest one day behind a bar because he was gonna fight my other friend and i thought that wasn't a good idea so he was like what and put a knife to my chest but you first but he's one of those guys

where if i'm an hour away and i say dude i'm about to get my ass kicked he'll be there in 10 minutes yeah he'll somehow show up screeching pulling up ghost ride his car into a cvs and come out and beat the dust out of like a hundred guys it's great to have him on your side yeah i had a friend like that once we were at a uh and he's actually not really like that but this happened one time and i was we were at a wedding reception for one of our friends and we were like i forget somewhere in massachusetts and we but it was like the after party so we're at a bar and this is like at a time massachusetts particularly when it was like heavy recognized. And probably the only time it's ever happened in my life, the person was very verbal about how they did not like me.

And like would not leave me alone at the bar. And I was just like trying to party with my friends. And I was like just kind of ignoring it. But it lasted for a while. And the bar closes. Everyone kind of spills out. Kids still yelling from across the street. We're all dressed like we're just at a wedding.

And my buddy just takes off his jacket, goes to one of my friends who was older for a second, and just went over and just beat the fuck out of the kid. I love that. Love it. Damn. And then it gets out that you have goons. Yeah. Don't fuck with Final Burn.

He's got shooters. I don't know exactly where that wedding was. I'm just leaving it out. So I don't know when the statute of limitations ends. I mean, dude, as the mouthy, funny guy of my group, and I would get into scrapes, but it always helped that I had my friends who were like legitimate gorillas.

Like full-blown football, just 200-plus, 250-pound-plus guys that could back up what I was spewing. So it was always the best. I feel like it's also I'm so not that guy that you always want to be like – it's like watching a movie. I want to be that guy. If you call me, Cannon, don't put me on your list of like – I'm in trouble. I need you in 10 minutes.

I'd be like, oh, there's traffic. I think you'd be there like 45 and show up when everything's done you good okay good good yeah that's that's not that's not there was a time in my life where i was but now the idea the thought of taking a punch at 39 years old like i would let you know how vampires turn to dust and buffy like that is literally what would happen you hit me on the button and i dissipate into complete particles i got hit on the nose the other day playing with my kid and i thought about it was just like a little kid bump like bumping my nose and i'm like i got the watery eyes and that you know that that weird

that weird feeling like if if a grown man threw it all those hurt so much more they really do though i mean but those hurt more than a punch does oh like a little because it's betrayal it's it's like those little injuries those hurt more than i guess also when you're in a fight you have like your adrenaline going when you're just like like just relaxed and a kid just jumps on your fucking head it's like oh my god dude but the idea of taking a grown man punch right now is probably the least appetizing i'll tell you what's worse is the thought of throwing one yeah oh my god tearing your labrum absolutely i would make connection i would be also it would be so upsetting i would throw like a haymaker and i think most people would be like yeah just like look at me just like their head kind of turns well that's the best part about not fighting is you get

to build that up in your head that you're still capable of all those things. It's like people constantly call me out of like, you're a pussy. All you talk about is your rage and anger. And it's like, yeah, I am a pussy. That's literally what I'm doing. I'm bloviating about things that I can't possibly succeed at. I use the word bloviate. I'm also an adult explaining my emotions rather than acting out like a child.

That's pretty much everything, though. Like we had a guy here who planned. He said that they planned this golf trip for 15 years. Jesus. It was 31 of the men in his family, which I think is like the whole all the men in the family. Wow. We're going golfing in Ireland, like back to the motherland and like whatever. Right. And, you know, in Chicago and Barstool, they have like this fun house of all these things.

And they had a full court basketball court. And he tore his Achilles playing basketball four days before the trip of a lifetime golfing. And I was like, you know heart heartbroken and crushed for him but i was like what are you doing playing full court basketball when you haven't touched the court or the ball in 15 years and then you just get out there and you think you can do it yeah and you do it with sports and you do it with sex you would could do it with fighting you can do all these things where it's like you have been sitting on a couch for a decade straight. Yeah, yeah. And it matters. And, I mean, basketball is the quickest way to hurt yourself.

I filmed that series, Old Man Basketball. And in my head, I was like, first of all, I signed up thinking it was a slow break league for 35-year-old plus. So I was like, I will easily plot up and down the court, set up in the corner, hit a three every now and again. Do they really label it like slow break where it's like? My buddy Casey, who signed us up as a team did and that and that means like if you really push the ball like they stop yeah they stop play they stop so then you got to check it up at the

top of the and i'm like fuck yes dude if you're not allowed to run yes that's the best basketball i could possibly play but i didn't know if that was just kind of like intimated or it's like a rule no it's a rule yeah it's the best you can't throw it ahead they blow it's it's the best kind of league ever when i showed up for our first game it was the exact opposite yeah you were in a real deal 35 year old like everybody was kind of scraping the age if not a little bit older but all of them were like trainers high school coaches aau coaches dudes i played aau against so they were all competitive really good basketball players that have never given it up so they're continuing to play and. I haven't touched a ball in 16 years. And they're screaming into cameras like, I'm taking souls. This is my year. People underestimated me last

year. And they're like, what do you think, Mike? I'm like, I haven't picked up a ball in 16 years. This should be good. I shoot on my little tykes at home and my kid. I was like, yeah, I'm taking his ankle, snatching him every day, telling him to keep his eye on the belly button. Can't go anywhere without it. I knew you were fucked when there was a media day. Yeah. Yeah.

He was in a men's league that had a media day with, like, press conference. They sat at a table with mics. And they answered questions. Even part of me thought they were kidding. Yeah. Which is a normal response. Totally. I was like, oh, look at us being silly old idiots.

I can't even get down with that if it's like, this whole league is a joke, but you're going to show up in a suit. You're going to do media day. You're going to do it like the pros, but we're laughing. But they were dead ass serious. The league is awesome. It we're gonna like you're gonna show up in a suit you're gonna do media day you're gonna do it like the pros but we're laughing but they were dead ass they were dead and the league is awesome like it's just not for me i shouldn't have put my body through that with zero preparation because again in my head i have a better basketball mind at 39 than i've had in my entire life for the first time i understand like i should have been facilitating and not even going for my shot like all this shit and i'm like oh i could do this and every time i like lowered my body to

do any type of explosive movement every single guitar string in my back would pop like 100 of my tend to everything would explode and i'd pull up lame and then have to stretch for 15 minutes before coming back my brother did it. He like literally the first, like off the tip, like went to run and just tore his hamstring completely. Yeah. And it was, he never got surgery.

He never fixed it. He actually just got surgery like a week ago to fix probably what he should have done like 20 years ago. His whole hamstring was bruised, like black. And I remember him being like, do you think I, do you think I tore it?

I was like, I think something else happened. I don't think i tore it i was like i think something else happened i don't think you tore it i think someone's in there like ripping it i don't know what's pouring blood it's just that you don't explosive like shit or like jumping on shit like you're gonna tear your body apart now like if you work out and you're in shape fine whatever but if you even if you're in shape i feel like that like basketball where you like your ankles and moving yeah like you can lift weights and and run on the treadmill but the minute you're like trying to move laterally quickly any type of cutting or explosive movements it's like

hey man once you're 35 i said 30 i think 30 should be done with sports for sure for just like the general public because most most people are fat and out of shape anyway so it's like 30 you if you're in your 20s and you want to play zog sports all that shit whatever it's called now fine you should still probably really take it easy and like totally shoot some jumpers and jog around do like beer league softball the minute you really start going you will be out 8 to 12 weeks from your job oh yeah you will be on workman's comp or getting 40 of your pay or whatever the fuck it is because you can't walk that's what you don't consider is like when you used to sprain your ankle in high school you'd be home get your foot elevated your

mom would cook you dinner my buddy anthony popped his achilles three minutes into our first game three minutes his three kids were like oh dad like hobble off like kobe literally just like scooting to work in between cubicles and shit still having to wear the whole and it's like god damn that's not worth it being in a cube like a cube monkey job with like crutches or something truly but i'm gonna come back at 60 60 is when i'm gonna start like high dosage testosterone. And then I'm going to come back for a real hyper-competitive sunset of my sports career. Go the Sly Stallone route? Just take lives, dude. Remember when he got busted in Australia with all of the steroids?

Yeah. Everyone was like, well, yeah. I mean, it's Sly Stallone. Wasn't that during filming for Balboa? I'm sure. I'm sure those guys. I feel like, yeah. I feel like that's also the least talked about thing

in Hollywood. All those guys should have to say what they're on when they train. Oh, dude, I watched Pain and Gain last night. What's that one? Marky Mark and The Rock. It's actually the true story

of Marky Mark is this meathead personal trainer. He's Mark Wahlberg now. He has Florida. Dude, he's god's own mark walberg he has that he has that stay prayed up got the drip municipal drip that guy is fucking out of his mind but they they is he's a gym guy again true story he was a personal trainer in florida who had a really rich client and decides to kidnap him get him to sign all of his assets over to him and his other two gym buddies who were played by the rock and anthony mackie and then they spend it all so fast

that they have to do it again right away and like like this guy's got like i forget it's a three million dollar house i forget what his assets are worth but they they're living in his house there's partying he's alive by the way they tried to kill him they thought they killed him he didn't so he's just alive living in a motel calling the cops being like that's my house and they're like they're like you signed it over you signed the deed he's like i was being tortured it doesn't matter apparently they're like there was a notary there because they had faked the notary thing and then so then they go to uh steal this like porn king's money and things go wrong so i have to kill him and his wife but they're like bumbling idiots like it's all like an accident but it all

really happened like they keep it he's like he's like bashes the guy's head in with a fucking 45 pound weight and he's like it went they walk in the room and he's already dead he's like you're fucked up he slipped and it fell on his head it's crazy and then they're trying to figure out how to dispose of those bodies so they're just like cutting them up with a chainsaw but wearing like aprons it's a nightmare and it's mark and mark and the rock you said it's uh the rock is kind of out of the picture at that point well he's in the picture but he's a real cokehead at that point um so it's anthony mackie and they're just fucking yoked huge i mean the d-ball budget on that movie must have been hundreds of thousands the rock you know the rock portrays it as like you know wake rise and grind yeah yeah yeah it's actually crazy i know you work hard but like come

on i eat 15 000 calories every sunday doesn't affect my stomach. Dude, watching The Rock, looking at The Rock now, he's got, what, 55? Is he? He's fucking 55 years old. 50 maybe? I would say, yeah, 50. Because at 2000, he was a wrestler who made it, so he's probably late 20s. I mean, he must have a Dr. Conrad Murray giving him intravenous drugs while he sleeps like when you look at him when he was in the wwf he looks like a regular guy right he's like you know he's six four whatever but he's like kind of i don't want

to say doughy but you know what i mean like it's not it's not just shredded it's like he's just a big guy who used to play you're like a big guy who used to play football kind yeah yeah like come on that's i mean i think that photo is a little uh whatever but yeah to be like yeah no this isn't regular dude you're 55 years old in your athletic prime you looked regular yeah it's kind of the barry bond situation where it's like you know like look at that picture to the left right there. The one all the way to the end. Whatever. To the right. Go to the right.

Top row to the right. Yeah. Up. Over. Oh, yeah. Just not like jacked, but no striations. Yeah. He's a guy in good shape, no doubt about it. But he's like a regular guy.

I would kill for that body. One more over to the left. That, like, on the left-hand side of that. No, down. Yeah. Jesus. Down. Yes, that one right there. He is, like, on the left-hand side of that. No, down. Yeah. Jesus. Down. Yes, that one right there.

He is, like, just kind of like a... Oh, Jackie can't see it. This is hilarious. Go up one and over to the left. The left! Down! Down! Like, yes!

Yes, we did it this is like when I try to get nicotine from the I get nicotine from the bodega and I'm like the blue

no can I get the cinnamon no left down one isn't it amazing that The Rock used to be

Luis J. Gomez it's unreal that's him before every skank fest just as ripped as humanly possible dude he can do some magic huh it's odd it's actually like really impressive it was like a joke or something but like he just keeps coming up with magic tricks he's like worm from rounders he has like sleight of hand chops yeah that's that's also like that's like like lewis is a guy who's he's kind of like one of those guys like we talked about earlier that's like like lewis is a guy who who's he's kind of like one of those guys like

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Yeah, you don't need promo. I feel like usually it used to be like all of you guys who were doing it would like post your posters the same day. Yeah. It's just not necessary. No. Now it just completely sells out. And then basically all the posts from that week they use as promotion.

Yeah. To be like, it's happening. You missed out. You fucked up. Look at all these posts. Look how fun it looks yeah dude i can't wait and the only thing that i'm not looking forward to is the 2 a.m walk down fremont street on acid with like all of andy's toys from toy story or sid's toys they're the fucking baby on a mechanical spider just like horrified dude the only thing keeping these people from committing atrocities

is they're in those circles that they've rented out and they're like weaving baskets at 150 miles per hour and i don't think they think they can leave so it's like all right that'll keep them safe as long as i pass this by now at skank fest do you do you do traumatized animal you're doing other jokes no i'm doing new new shit Yeah, yeah. So I mean, it's hard, but I filmed in April, so I've had all this time to kind of develop new. I have a pretty decent chunk of time and all of it's kind of there.

Which is honestly also for Skankfest is like that's where you need to be. Yeah, yeah. Of course, it's a lot of comedy fans, but they're there for like the hang. Of course. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of somebody goes over there and bombs. there for the hang. Of course. You know what I mean? If somebody goes over there and bombs, I feel like the Scankfest fans would just laugh. It's Comic-Con for the most part.

It's kind of a giant meet and greet. Right. So most of my time is just hanging out. Then we have shows that kind of get in the way of the fun. Yeah. I got to go do comedy at Scankfest. But the stand-up is great. They're all there for the show. And yeah, I mean, the thing that I have to get out of my head is that, oh, 100% of these people have even seen my special.

It's like most of them knew it came out. Some of them watched it. Some of them didn't get to yet. Some of them will never. So it's like, oh, I can do whatever the fuck I want, but it's only my head that's keeping me from doing well. That's life, life man it's always up here they really don't care as much but yeah just you just run it back i i've seen traumatized animal very very very i appreciate it thank you like right i feel good yeah within like literally

i think within the first two minutes i was recording it and sending it to like my brother being like this is me oh hell yeah i appreciate it thank you there's a bit of when you're like, the flat earthers who I get stuck to talking for six hours. Like, my brother has a running thing where he's like, I don't know how it happens. Every family party, something just insane happens to John. Like, I just get stuck in the corner like one of our weird aunts or uncles. And I'll come back. I'll be like, so, do you know blank? Like, I can't think of something.

And he's like, how the fuck do they say this to you? I'm like, I don't know. I don be like, so do you know blank? Like, I really can't think of something, but the, and he's like, how the fuck do they say this to you? I don't know. I don't know why they tell me. It's always you're inviting. You're too inviting. You got to put on, stop smiling or something. You have speak freely face.

When I'm on the road, I know it, like it, it finally dawned on me that it's kind of universal when I've been on the road and going to different cities. I was in Atlanta and like, this is during COVID. And the lady apropos of nothing just turned and goes, know the vaccine's the mark of the beast right i'm like but i'm just like i'm such an idiot i don't put any stop to it i'm like oh yeah because i'm just like maybe this will be a bit who fucking knows at the very least you know it'll get me out of podcast for a minute it's it's happened to me my entire life.

I remember there was a time I was taking the commuter rail in Boston, and I was taking it to the kids museum with my mom. And there was a little person, midget, dressed up like a garden gnome on the train. And he just waddled up in front of me and was going, and my mom was like, this always happens to you. I'm like, shouldn't you put a stop to this like you're right i have a guardian and she just doesn't do anything that's why this always happens to me she's like weird that this guy is abusing you like this but i'm gonna sit

by and watch as your mother i think this needs to play out that is your mother it sucks for you huh oh my dad would do the exact same thing mom or dad would just be like well not my social issue get out there get out there and deflect michael in the first line of defense 100 that was me at like my parents refused to even talk to other parents so that was me at other social engagements too is like anytime parents would try to have a conversation with my parents they'd be like michael what do you have to say about that and then i'd just be their personality it was awful i always thought that when i i've told before like when i played sports my dad was never like one of the guys who occasionally you know here and there you go get a beer for a tournament or something like that but like he wasn't one of the crazy

guys like hanging over the glass and stuff like that yeah and it annoyed me as a kid because i was like my dad dad be cool with the other guys. And now looking back on it, I'm like, God, that was so uncool to be like hanging over the glass screaming at children. Yeah. He's so nuts, man. My dad was worse in the sense – or not worse, but like different in a troubling way where I would play – I was decent at basketball growing up. And my father didn't know anything about basketball but loved the attention that he got from me being good at it. So I would do something on the court, and people would be like, Kev, pretty good. And he's like, that's what I taught.

Like that kind of shit. And he still couldn't show up to traumatized animals? Still couldn't show up. Kev, you piece of shit. We had a seat for you right up front. But no, he would yell out vague things. So he saw that people were giving it attention and then would be like yeah run faster like just vague sports shit that didn't

know anything about the game words that he figured out i remember the whitest thing that i've ever done like the most entitled child thing i stopped a game in the middle of it when i was like 10 years old my father kept yelling like similar stuff of like try hard come on run yeah and i finally turned and i was like what's a rebound like nine years old like seriously tell me what a rebound is dude and he just immediately yoked me off the court they saw somebody and he took me outside hit me a few times and i was like all right bring him back in let's see if he can rebound from that. That's the lowest of the low. Taking credit when you don't even know the sport.

Dude, and that's what he was doing. I mean, early comedy shit, too. I would trash him brutally from the stage. Just talk about what an awful dad he was. And in hindsight, maybe I was a bit harsh, but whatever. And instead of being like, oh, this is like getting a little rough, he'd literally kind of turn and be like, that's me. I'm the guy. I'm the shit that stirs the kettle.

You played AAU, so you played like some serious ball. Because I'm going through, you know, my son's getting old enough to like start playing competitive sports. And it's really, I'm not, I don't know what to do. I don't know. How old? He's seven. So he's still pretty young.

Yeah, yeah. And we're talking more baseball. He plays basketball. But baseball. Yeah, travel starts early for baseball, right? So he's playing on a league where kids are really good. And he just stepped up to that for the first time. Kid pitched the whole nine.

Some of these dads are crazy. Yeah. But some of the, but then, then like but i also want to be involved and like i don't know what to do man i don't know what is good for him he's like he gets down on himself so i don't know if i should well baseball is such a solitary sport too because so much of the focus is on you especially when you're up at bat it's like kind of like humiliation ritual every single time so it's like it's like yeah man hey either fail or succeed in front of the prying eyes of everybody with adults who are taking it way too seriously yeah for sure

do we i went i was a little bit older but when i was 12 years old my all-star team played in that field of dreams cooperstown summer league thing and we were the first ever first ever kids to do it that was the first year so i'm in the Little League Hall of Fame purely for participation but but we were playing against all these kids that were like 12 year old but like Danny Almonte 12 years old like they were like 17 coming right off a boat yeah a full beard throwing gas from 40 feet and with parents that were just like shut up anytime we would strike at like so i'd never recovered from yeah no i mean it actually is like it will i think it'll fuck you up for a long time totally wrong there so yeah oh i like let's just go to practice let's go to this game on saturday which may or may not affect you for

the rest of your life truly great and grant i have no experience with it from a parenting perspective yet but i'm kind of anti- young specialization so like i wouldn't just have my kid in one sport at like seven or eight i'd have him play all the sports or as many as he can problem is that you got to go to all the fucking things i know so he's got a game and a practice in this league two practices in this league it's crazy hang out you know like there's only fucking you know seven days in a week i know so it's like these kids are doing shit all the time. Everything you guys are saying makes me is like a strong argument for putting your kids in contact sports. Like give them somewhere to place all this rage.

I'm getting parents yelling at them. It's always being dragged. I can't wait to sign my son up for Gaelic football. Because I don't think he'll play. Yeah, he's not. I don't think he'll play American football. The head stuff. I just know too much. Yeah. At this point, I don't think he'll play American football, the head stuff. I just know too much at this point.

I can't be conscious. Sorry to interrupt. Did you see today? It's one of my favorite quotes. So good. The Vince McMahon documentary came out last night. I guess there's a clip from it. I saw it posted today. It was just Stone Cold being like,

I don't really believe in CTE. Literally the most CTE thing you can say. He also said, what was the question? But the full quote's even worse. It was like about wrestling, and it's like, you know CTE isn't like because of wrestling. He's like, yeah, you get a couple concussions, but whatever, I don't believe in CTE. I think he said something like,

good wrestlers and bad wrestlers, and like, my take has always been, if you were just wrestling and you got a bunch of concussions, you're probably doing something wrong. I'm not a CTE guy. I just don't believe in it. Like, you could be a perfect wrestler

and if someone fucking drops you on your head, you're like, no, I get it, dude. It's like gay marriage. You just don't believe in it. The thing is, a guy who, like, Owen Hart, I'm watching the clip, Owen Hart dropped him on his head and broke his neck and ruined his career. And it's just like, nah, man, it's not real.

I think the thing that will maybe open the scope eventually is, like, two things. One, if Tom Brady becomes just a drooling mess of a version of himself, like in, like, ten years, like, he's showing up to interviews, forgetting why he's there, all that stuff. I mean, Brett Favre just got Parkinson's. He came out with it. Yeah, but everybody hates Brett Favre. He's an asshole. Yeah.

So it's like Tom Brady is the great white angelic goat. So it's like if he came out drooling, exactly. People would be like, we must stop this. But also the thing that fucks with me is like CTE doesn't start the day you get drafted into the NFL. Like these aren't the only guys that are suffering from this. But also, the thing that fucks with me is, like, CTE doesn't start the day you get drafted into the NFL. Like, these aren't the only guys that are suffering from this. There's so many plumbers that have killed their families. That gets such less press than, you know, whoever is doing it from the NFL. Yeah.

Yeah, no, honestly. I mean, like, you were getting your heads mashed in from high school tailbacks, dude. Easy. Easy. Even before that. You know what I mean it's like yes these guys all you were lucky if you made it to the league with cte because at least you got a little money out of it the rest of these guys just went crazy i mean how many guys how many guys from my high school did like the two uh fucking glow stick rave dance after getting drilled in the head i mean it's it's like so many. Yeah, so many of them. I mean, he's got to consider retirement almost, no?

I think that. When you have like two, he's had two really bad ones. I think a couple. Three really bad ones? Three and probably four because they discounted the first one of that. Didn't he get one in the first half and then he got another one in the second half? That's a two for one. That's just one big one.

It's so awesome seeing how much the world progresses every 10 years or so. I saw an NFL film video once of Terrell Davis. I mean, he's unconscious. He's out cold on the field, and they're dragging him back to the bench, and they literally just give him oxygen. And he gets back out there. Air will fix this. More air.

That must have felt cold on his braces. That's a reference for like six people. The CTE for... Did you see the conversation with the other two guys? The two guys, Le'Veon Bell and AB. They had a conversation. That was great. This was like a couple weeks ago.

It's horrible, but it's so good. Those two guys are like, especially AB, is like the poster child. The funniest guy on Twitter, though. Not him. Oh, it's not? There was a scandal the other day. I don't know. It's just some white kid from the U.S.

out front in his account. Wow. Because? That explains FOTD. It's a Florida thing. They were like, what do you think, dog? You think CT is real? And they're like, I don't know, man.

I don't think so. And he's like, but probably, right? It was so sad. And I think they acknowledged it. i think we have it right yeah we got a touch we got a dollop of it yeah they made it sound like it like it's like you could catch it like it's a disease yeah if you don't wear condoms bad cte reaction it is we actually talked about this when we went to the game the other night though because uh it was at Jabril Peppers for the Pats Where it's like the guardian cap

Yeah, yeah And I think Jackie's like, why doesn't everyone just wear that? Because you look lame Because you're gay and you wear that silly hat That's legit why It looks like the big head code from like NBA on NBC Yeah, yeah I think someone said it was like backyard baseball players

Right, right, yeah But like when I was playing hockey growing up It was a known thing. You should wear a neck guard. And we were all just like, hell no. Are you kidding me? And look gay out there? I'd rather bleed out on the ice.

You're like nine. I'd rather die on the ice than look like that. It's wild. That's like Shaq. Shaq actually could have – he got his free throw percentage up to like 75% to 80% behind closed doors by shooting underhand. But he wouldn't do it. And then they were like, all right, so bring it into the game. And he's like, what are you, gay?

He's like, no, no. No way, boys. I can't be seen like that. He's like, I'd rather shoot 42% from the free throw line than underhand kiss it to the gods. That would have been awesome. It would have been great. It may have revolutionized the game. I think he played that so wrong i agree because when you're that big you can be gay a hundred percent first of all i mean what man could take him being gay

have you seen his girlfriend no i mean she's pocket size little yeah and i think that was his ex-wife too so i think that's just his type nice but like she likes a human fleshlight yeah for real though she posted a picture that was just like uh i guess it's not confirmed but it was it was like me and like my boo and it was just like him from the waist down and her whole body wow it's like that manuple oxy boats picture yeah that's basically what they did for like their instagram crazy yeah yo listen this podcast is sponsored by jack black jack black is the real fucking deal jack blacks like this is a pure true whatever really i use exclusively jack black i didn't even know we were getting him as a sponsor i'm very excited to have them sponsor everything from lotion moisturizer uh deodorant, the pit boss,

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Yeah, that is too much of a chance. I don't know. I don't think I could bang an extra tall woman either. You could? I think so. Yeah. What's the tallest you've ever had? Not tall.

No? No, I don't know. I'm just thinking like, know six five like a rebecca lobo oh i had one one one girl once i was really drunk so i don't i really don't remember like how tall she was or anything i just remember when i remember lifting up her leg and feeling i was like that one activated the oblique dude i i had sex with one six-foot woman in college and when we like approached each other it felt like we were doing a pre-fight face i think i hit probably six foot two and i, and I was lied to, you know, I got like the old, like I'm five, eight. Yeah. I'm actually five, 10.

And then it just kept going. And I was just like, we are the same size and I don't think I can do that. I feel like you're very pretty. It's just like you. It's not you. It's what you make me feel about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. It's like I feel very petite. I feel dainty.

I don't like this feeling. But I will say, I do think everything did line up better. Yeah. Because I'm getting sick and tired of everything being too long. I was going to say, I traditionally date shorter women. So everything's a fucking nightmare. Because then you're like you gotta like keep yourself up yeah but lean yourself down yo i come down like i hate that like a draw

this is where calisthenics and planks comes in it's like it's like i'm like pulling up little bit, and then it slides down, and then you just got to go down. And you're like, when you start to lean, it's just so funny. I got to get one of those squatty potty things on my bed. I'm like, just kneel on that. Put that in there underneath. I've looked those up, actually. They sell them on Amazon, like sex cushions and shit like that.

I remember seeing those back in the day in the back of magazines. Yes, yes. It was called like a liminator or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. I don't think that was it. Dominator or something like that. It had the wedges.

It was like the wedge this way, but then you could wedge it that way. You could put them all together. I need those. I may have told you guys about it, but I had sex in a gymnastics gym once, and we were on the cheese mat. And I remember being like, this is perfect. This is great. On the cheese mat, the wedge mat that children somersault down during the day. Just coming all over.

Jesus Christ. We had bleach spray. Yeah, that was the one thing because i do remember being just like oh i can just be straight up yeah yeah but i mean i also i feel like i'm having sex with my buddy yeah yeah i haven't had sex in a while my wife you know my wife's healing up so now i'm just i'm just stealing away moments to myself how you have a month old oh wow yeah fresh five years and fresh grass kid is brand fucking new yeah that's which is why because it just like you know from the first one to the second

one is just so different in terms of your exhaustion i assumed it would be like you know same in the sense that it would zap you completely you just nothing you got nothing left but it's even more it's like because every time you have a baby exactly every time that i had my you know when my first child was a newborn he'd nap i'd nap with him so i got to chip away at my own exhaustion this one the newborn naps and then i wake up and my son's like let's fucking rage that's why there's that saying they're like it's like you're drowning and you're trying to save your kid and then someone throws you a baby. That's what it's like. Yeah, 100%. Now I got to keep both of you alive.

Yeah, and I just had to practice. My infant pissed in his own face and that was jarring. I had to get one of those dick cap things, which weren't around for my first. It was like a little Fantasia hat just for the penis. Is his obsession with death still ongoing?

Yeah, that's still there where and you know especially because my wife my wife was pregnant for like a year so we got pregnant she had a miscarriage and then we got pregnant right away and we didn't even really know until later it was kind of this whole jarring thing but the first one was far enough along that we told our son like that we were gonna have a baby and he was excited and then we said we're not and so he's like he's like so is this the dead baby or is this the new alive baby like pointing to his brother and i was like it's whatever you want it to be buddy he's like where do you think he came from whatever's gonna cause less therapy bro i think he's the dead one but he's alive now And I'm like that's how I like to think of it too

It's your call to come back man So how was Chrissy producing it? It was great What does that really entail? It entails him He was around in terms of Helping with the venue and stuff

like that the venue our manager owns so he emilio owns all the new york comedy clubs i had i had filmed and recorded stuff in the city ones the one out in stamford is like a beautiful space seats like 250 plays like kind of a perfect club theater hybrid and i mean you could tell from the sound of it like it sounds kind of big but also intimate enough to like boom right so he you know helped pick that out and then creatively it was more on me where nicole uh lions who's unbelievable she produced here's a scenario she's done a bunch of my edible stuff uh crowd work specials she's like an unbelievable filmmaker so talented she directed it and her and i basically built the set we did uh just everything basically creatively and then chris is chris is the name we

put it on his platform and gets more eyes that way and you know i'm very grateful dude this is the stanford uh uh comedy club we did a show there once and we remember sitting in the green room and we were kind of just like having some snacks having some drinks before the show whatever and then we were finally it was that sagalow so weird yeah yeah just a really like painstakingly beautiful mural of such a hippopotamus of a man it's like from the renaissance or something yeah it's so crazy it looks like a portland lesbian with this just perfect like side shaved cut just riding a gallant horse they were gonna do one for me in the upper west side green room downstairs so the upper west side

new room that they have also a sick room the the downstairs green room is amazing like there's just very few good green rooms in new york city And that one is a really good hang spot. And Emilio was like, we're going to do you climbing a mountain in booty shorts. And I'm like, no. I was like, I like it. The homage is kind. I agree. That's cool.

But there's going to be every comic taking pictures like, hey, dude, did you green light this? Is this cool for you? Because your ass is bumping and i kept thinking how that that uh had things broken differently that special would have been with us if everything went well yeah yeah you know this is me coming back it feels like i'm back at the beach where the shark bit me i know i know out of everybody it was there was there's a lot of good and then some bad but out of everybody with the the pen thing uh people probably don't realize that you were one of the people that got

fucked from it yeah i mean i the thing is like i of course emotionally went through every spectrum of feeling of being pumped to join bum not to suicidal ideation you name it but you know it's it's one of those things where it's like i don't think i got fucked it was just timing but that's where you got fucked where it was just timing of course i mean like uh so if people don't know we when we were when pen was still around we were going to try to build out like barstool comedy and mike was like one of the first people we were going to bring in as a comic to do specials and the podcast and just try to like grow the stand-up comedy side of things and then like as that process was unfolding is when

dave bought things back from pen and we had layoffs and we pretty much just nixed that whole yeah that whole dream you guys have kill him now honestly i'm just laughing because my manager at the day dave bought it back sent me a screen grab of it he goes this is probably good no and i was like wow man you've never had worse instincts yeah yeah you're fired dude unfortunately um and wildly enough like dave has always said he's like stand-up comedy just like isn't my thing for being a guy who's funny and uh and like on the internet and all that what does he have a proven business model what is this dave doesn't really like funny no like dave dave likes

like confrontation and yeah he likes entertainment he likes he doesn't like people who like try to be funny right he thinks it's like oh you sat there and wrote that like yeah congratulations bro you wrote a joke and when it comes to the internet he's right that is the successful stuff successful stuff is is what causes conflict and what causes people to argue and then it lathers up and builds in the algorithm it's like it's probably why i'm not more successful it's because i'm just trying to be funny and i have the playbook i know what i could say to like be you know some right wing or left wing or whatever. We take it all the time. It's like we all have the fucking script.

We all talk about just going 2A and just being like gun guys. Tomorrow we'd be the most popular fucking guy in the world. Yeah. I mean, that was my Frank Rigaton character. That was literally me trying to be funny while doing it. People were like, I sense jokes. I don't like this. If you were actually Frank Rigaton, though, toned down a little bit,

you probably would have a huge audience of people being 100%. I sense jokes. I don't like that. I sense humor. I need this to be as serious as humanly possible. Yeah, that was shitty for i mean we had big plans and we were we were told about a budget and all this shit that just was not even not even uh like there was no conversation there was no like end to it it was just like that's no no it's me sending texts out being like how

are we doing yeah i was like it's it's i still just i still do this to this day like if i know i have to like text dave about something like this i don't do it because i know what the answer is going to be yeah so i'm like i don't know maybe there's just some hope that like you know something else will change by tomorrow but if i send the text message it's over so maybe it'll just you know I don't want to shoot myself in the foot. No. And even like in my internal people, pleasery shit, like I felt for you because I know, I also knew that you guys were like heading up this whole fucking thing.

This was your whole project. It was going to be a big thing. And you're like, uh, it doesn't look like you're going to happen. And also all my dreams are dead. We were having meetings with like, you know, or at least conversations with the clubs and we were talking about like doing live streams on the internet of the comedy club and we had a weekly like underground show

that we wanted to cultivate and all these comics and it was just like, Yeah. Yell at people on the internet more. Just fight on the internet. It worked. I have hundreds of millions of dollars keep doing this i will say like a week or two after it fell apart and i was i was super

bummed obviously and just like not knowing what was next i saw i think clemmer is that his name yeah like 40 years old dude he was getting yelled at about something and he snapped back and people were like for him or against him or whatever and right when i watched that i was like oh yeah i wouldn't have been in good there yeah i would have fucking snapped i would i'm too emotional i would have had those confrontational moments and like lost my mind sincerely he did a really great job of maintaining his emotion while being like creating a boundary for himself. I would have said so many horrific, just unforgivable things. And then it would have been all live and great.

You would have been rich. You would have been popular. You would have no fucking psyche. You'd be an absolute lunatic. The address to my kid's school would have leaked. Yeah, right. It's just not worth it. You got to either have like one or two mentalities where you just like whatever or like i'm gonna fight yeah and like that will

be that'll be entertaining yeah and and if you're in between the fighting and being entertaining is is not i have i have like a respect for it for people that have the constitution to deal with it because like i'm at this point where i i'm just all estrogen like i have i love my kids so much right that i am a living breathing vulva like i'm truly just such a pussy so any negativity i'm like how could you like i don't i have no constitution for it anymore so it's also like you know i used to get fired up about things anything just arguments and takes and debates and then and i still have opinions on them sure but it's like i've learned that arguing about them does not do anything so when i'm about to do it for the 10 000th time and get

my blood boiling and get mad and fight and like lose a friendship or like lose a friendship for like a few weeks over it or something like that you know it's like i'm just not gonna do this no i'm just not gonna do this the amount of times that i like actually did that when i was young i would have been perfect for this place yeah because i was ready to go screaming at people i thought if you had even a slightly different opinion than me you were out of your mind yeah so i stuck to word to word like this is how it is how can you think anything other than what I think? But now I'm, you know, I don't have confidence in a single opinion I have.

So if you have pushback, I'm like, yeah, that's probably right. Also, like when you're at a stage in life, when you haven't done shit yet, you think you are right about everything.

And then like 20 years later, I'm like, I was wrong about that. I was wrong about that. I was wrong about that. So I might be wrong about this, this, and this. So, you know, we got to wait 20 more years. It's literally how I feel about everything.

Plus, the information of every, you know, everybody has such a solid perspective on what they believe, like, you know, international politics, all that shit. Crazy. And they're like, no, this is the way it is. And both sides are so certain. And I'm like, all right, I give up. Yeah. I'm not even going to try to wade through this because both of you are so certain that

your completely opposite perspective is the truth and the only truth that I'm just going to, yeah, I'm out. There's literally no point. I mean, it's always been that way. So it's not new, but it is, I guess it's new to me that I'm like dumb people, like just rocks for brains who friends of mine who think that they know about like foreign policy and immigration. And how in the world could you even with a straight face say that you know anything about this? It used to be fun to talk about with your idiot friends when it wasn't what you were inundated with all day.

So when social media didn't exist, it was fun to punch around your buddies and get into these arguments because it's like almost a breath of fresh air. You're like, look at this. I was just droning on at work all day. Now I get to fight and exercise my creative ideas. Now you fight all day. But now it's all fucking day

and the negativity is just like beating down on me at least. I don't know. Maybe other people are out there having a good time. Dude, I just said, somebody posted on Instagram instagram and said they asked chat gpt if you were satan and you were trying to like take out humanity what would you do and he said um the three things were create doubt um distraction distraction and create comparison yeah and i was like that's the internet in a nutshell holy shit you look at other people and you doubt yourself you're distracted by it and you compare yourself to everybody else i mean it's like oh okay if the like quantum computers

are saying this is what satan does yeah it's like uh maybe and they're the algorithm but it's also funny to be like i wonder how to ruin my mind. Let's ask the computer. That's my problem with any AI is we're like slowly giving them the secrets. AI is figuring out like, all right, make them have all slightly bad relationships with their fathers. They think I might reply to that AI bot like, damn, that would work. Don't give them the playbook. You want to do some voicemails? We got some videos.

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Can products are for persons 21 plus only. They have less than 0.3% hemp-derived Delta 9 THC. They do not claim to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, and they have not been evaluated or approved by the FDA. Hey, KFC Radio. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Hypothetical for you. This past Sunday, true story, I was bored, sitting at my couch, just watching football.

My girlfriend was out of town, so I decided to do one of those DraftKings fantasy lineups. The ones that have 400,000 entries in it, cost like 20 bucks to enter. So I did it, and I randomly came in second place and won $200,000. Holy shit. Literally awesome for doing nothing. $20 won $200,000. Holy shit. Literally awesome for doing nothing. $20 to $200,000 like that. So I didn't tell anyone though. So I won it.

I kind of kept it to myself. I didn't want to go into work on Monday. Hey, I won $200,000 gambling or winning or whatever. I didn't think that was good. I also didn't want people to think I'm a a major gambling addict and like throwing money around all the time like it was literally twenty dollars that turned into two hundred thousand um so i just kind of sat there i went through the money on sunday night monday morning i woke up and had an extra two hundred thousand dollars in my bank account literally and i haven't done anything with it haven't told anyone do i buy something

do i like tell people i love this would you like just go out and just have a big party and do something wild like i don't know it just it's i don't have any kids i don't have any expenses like i don't like it doesn't change my life or anything like that but it's like really nice to have an extra two hundred thousand dollars just like sitting there my bank account so curious what you guys would do. Holy shit. Kind of a weird situation, but a cool one. Now wait. I'll hang up and listen. Did he say he had a wife?

I think he said girlfriend. A girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. Don't tell her. That's awesome that he didn't tell her. I love that. Well, you just told everybody. My first thing was, I don't tell anybody.

But I do, yes. Let's take that out of it. This is awesome. This is awesome. First thing I would do is get out of Buffalo. $200,000, you could buy Rex Ryan's old house, maybe. Get a fucking palace up there, bro. Well, that's the thing.

He's got a life decision to make, right? I mean, could you just live on an island for the rest of your life with $200,000? No way. You can't? No way. You can't? No way. If you live, like, literally, like, off the land sort of thing. Truly. But I think you should at least 200K is, well, first of all.

Well, it's 100K, first of all. John is always, he's our tax man. He always reminds us of the taxes. I ain't down to 100. I ain't down to 100. I just got got to remind everyone, like the bar we're going to tonight has a cover. Right. 50% of your network. Man, this is good though. Just to that feeling of like not telling anybody.

Totally. I think I would go full like will survives do you watch that kid that went to like the remote area of alaska or canada and built a house on government property and then he broadcasted so much that they ended up getting him kicking him out but then he's been since given a couple other this guy's like amazing he's a young kid he gets he gets they give him land or he's like so he just he didn't steal but he just posted up on the first property and it was government land so they found him and kicked him off once his page became too popular that's what the uh first boats over from england said like we're not stealing we're just

posting up we just got here we're just assuming we're just taking a rest no we're just posting up yeah no don't ask why it's called the Trail of Tears. Just fucking walk it. You guys post up in Arizona. We're going to post up on the East Coast. See you later. Goodbye. But his whole thing, he lives on his own, self-sufficient, builds his own houses and huts and tries to live off the land as much as possible.

That is my Ted Kaczynski dream. I would just completely separate from society i'd bring my family i always said what i wish i had done is like even just just for a little bit is like go to an island go to like a caribbean island and like bartend yeah and just live like in a hut or at some shitty fucking hostel or whatever and just make enough on tips to like you know you fuck uh you fuck tourists and you know locals and you just but and if you and if you do that just that you probably can survive but if you start to buy like anything in this economy mike a hundred thousand is gone by you know have you a cart of groceries will cost you a hundred thousand dollars thank you biden thanks joe

no but i think that's the idea right is you take that to have a year and then maybe you either disappear or work a small job there if you truly love that lifestyle or you just become a content guy in a remote place and then all your monthly earnings just feeds that lifestyle. There is an angle to, you know, he could probably get, at least go viral one time right now being like, I'm the guy who, you know, let the internet decide what I buy or whatever. And that might be enough to, I don't know, look at Hawk Tua. She's got a whole new life now. I don't know if the Portly fellow from Buffalo has the same effect,

but, you know, you never know. By the way, this is not a DraftKings ad. I know. That's actually real. But you know what it is? It is funny. I think that about the lottery and DraftKings. It's like there's always somebody who wins, and they're not doing anything.

They walk around going, it's not going to be me either, and it's them. I had a family member win a million dollars. Really? Yeah, and it's gone. Really? Like two years later, gone. Oh, the money's gone yeah yeah fully spent nothing there's nothing to show for it i don't know i don't know what what it was spent on but certainly nothing of of consequence well also because it was 500 000 yeah yeah 500k goes quick 500k like where you go you go to London for the weekend? Probably gamble a little of it.

You party with a little of it. And then there's some left and you invest it and maybe it goes up, maybe it goes down and then it's gone. Yeah, I think that is what I, I guess that's what I would do is I'd keep working

and then invest it, hope for some sort of. 200K is not enough. If you're talking, if you win like a million, if you walk out of there with a million dollars i think you can do some yeah disappearing type shit depending on how you live your life but 200k is almost enough for me to like that like it's it's enough but also little enough you know little enough for me to just be like i'm just gonna

blow this and then the other side of it is like you go to vegas yeah and you just go nuts yeah let's have a weekend maybe Put it all on black. Maybe it's gone in one second. Might have 400 grand. You might have zero. Like, whatever. That's where it's right on that border of like I can really affect my life or I could really just consider this a gift from the gods and maybe I turn it into something more

or maybe it's just like a rest after my life. Have you ever seen somebody live out that, like clearly putting their whole financial worth on the table? I haven't seen it in person. I've seen like videos of it. And even the video is enough for me to get going. I saw this like – I mean could have been 21, could have been 105, young Asian kid. He had like 20 grand in front of him at the Borgata in AC, which I don't know if that place has seen $20, dollars on a table in years like nobody goes there that has that much money so he's like and i i was like man this kid

must piss this money if that's what he's throwing around and he's got some hot chick behind him and he's throwing it out he pissed it away in like 10 minutes no and and just had the head in his hands like what the fuck have i done and i was so grateful to witness that because i was like oh i'll that'll never be me i think you the what you would do i don't like you what matters is like where he's at in his career like is his job do you want this job forever right if you don't quit quit and go do and like go do what you want to do now right like that's even that though i mean or don't quit and just use this to set up what you want to do yeah right like that's even that though i mean or don't quit and just use this to set up what you want to do yeah yeah that's what i mean like you gotta like it's it's

not it's not just like i can live off this type no that'll be gone pretty quickly you gotta pay rent you gotta eat food you gotta have some you know that goes fast but like if you buy i feel like most people who have a regular job think like if i had money i'd do blank instead of this yeah and what is that you have you know you don't have endless wealth but you have money to at least try that dream or try that lock of life you want right right yeah i would have to put like 50 into family whatever like just to have and then 50 into all right full-time content squad for at least the next six months or whatever let's see if we can chip away at this thing i'll tell you how it ends six months goes real quick and you're just like it's worth a try on the roller coaster you know i just that wasn't that by the way that wasn't a comment on him

that was his comment on anyone trying to of course make it yeah the i just love the notion though of like a thing that everybody else is would brag about on the internet immediately you just have this little secret it's great this is fucking awesome i i bet he feels like a little slut just like a two hundred thousand dollar secret his friends are saying shit about him he's like you don't even know yeah you shut up in your 65k a year job you bitch he's like you don't even know. You don't even know how much I've got. Shut up in your 65K a year job yet, bitch. He's like, you don't even know, dude. I'll never forget two of my friends fighting, two meatheads.

And one did better than the other one at work. And as the other meatheads in my friend group were forcing everybody apart, the one guy's going, show me your W-2s. Show me your W-2s. And the rest of the room went, oh, they were probably one was making like 80,000 of course making 60,000 that's a life of difference um all right next up man that's awesome though hey guys um stuffed animals last night i was sleeping in my roommate's bed because I didn't want to sleep in my own room for literally no specific reason her bed was just seeming comfy and she has like two stuffed

animals in her bed and I have a couple but they're at home um like I'm in college so they're at my house with my parents and she has two in her bed and I'm going to bed I'm like how many stuffed animals do you have and she's like just two and i'm like oh do you have like more at home like what's like your stuffed animal vibe you know what i mean because everyone has like a really specific like like stuffed animal thing i feel like girls at least um and she's like you don't have any and i was like no i have like a bunch at home she's like you don't have any here she got up and walked to my room and like looked at my bed and I was like I could have just told you I didn't have any like you need to like go check but what is like the vibe with stuffed animals

okay for example like all my friends basically still have stuffed animals in their bed and like or 21 22 like if you're a guy at like whatever age like when is it like is it weird if you like go home with a girl to her house or something and there's like a a bunny that you have to like move you know like you get home and there's like oh like a chipmunk that's like torn apart because you've had it since you were like one and you're like about to have sex and you have to like move it off the bed like is that like weird and does it make you think like oh this is like a child like what is the vibe on that and like jackie you have a stuffed animal i fuck with stuffed animals when was the last time you had a stuffed animal like when i I was a kid, but like my parents would throw them all out.

So it was never really like a stuffed animal. That's good parenting. Yeah. To answer this question, the answer is yes. That sounds a lot sadder when it's that bad. Yeah, no, that'll happen. You'll go home with a girl with a stuffed animal. Yeah.

And it'll always be not a great thing. It's a little off-putting it doesn't stop me from anything i'll say this i've had sexually good amount of girls with uh stuffed animals none of them were healthy people none of them were well-adjusted adults it's a good barometer to find out if the dude you're about to bang is a creep yeah because if he's like no keep him on the bed face them towards me it's always like do you mind if like did we get rid of this and like yeah the fucking rotten fabric in the bed like i didn't i didn't

know that could happen to that texture like the stains on that thing like what the fuck yeah we can get rid of that if you don't fucking mind. Yeah, that's the one she used to just ride on her childhood fence. I just can't. This is where I can't believe when, like, people my age will hook up with, you know, like, college girls or girls fresh out of college where it's like, these are the debates they're talking about. They're having their stuffed animal talks. Yeah. Like, how are you just like, I don't know you're legal man let's do it it's like there's more to this than just legality i remember feeling weird about that in college there were a couple

like disney princess girls yeah in the dorms and like their whole walls would just be all disney princess and it's like okay like yeah i guess I'm banging a five-year-old. Like that's what the, your hero's not John Belushi. We got Canada on a titty charge over here. New special out. I guess I'm banging a five-year-old. Trump doesn't. If you,

if you had someone who, who just had like one, just a regular looking teddy bear and they were just like this has just been in my life my whole life like i just i just still have it it just like sits on the bed it's not like they don't bring it everywhere they're not weird about it they're just like yeah it's like a like a family heirloom sure well i i first of all it never looks like that it always looks like it's been through the wall yeah like it came out of the holocaust like he swam across the atlantic like that paddington himself swam across the atlantic ocean it is it's always a goddamn nightmare

but uh i would i would i would like i i'll you know do you do what you want yeah yeah like i'm not i'm going to have my own thoughts about it yeah yeah like if everything else is perfect you have a stuffed animal, I'd be like, do women like a Michael Jordan poster on the wall? Do they say, I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my life and that's why I succeed? Or the one with the wingspan?

You don't like that, do you? I had that on my wall and that was my father giving me a hug. What were you going to say, Jack? I was just going to say, but I wish, I think about this my wall and that was my father giving me a hug. Come back. What were you going to say, Jack? Wait, hang on. I was just going to say, but I wish, I think about this, I wish I was cutesy enough where I had all these stuffed animals. You've seen my apartment for filming.

I don't have anything. I don't have any posters. I wish I had this cutesy. It does kind of look like the Reddit page, like r slash male living space. It's just like, here's a couch and a TV. What's up? I got the necessities and nothing else. That's why when you let those guys stay in your apartments all the time,

they're happy to be there. They're like, I just feel like I'm at home. That makes me sound slutty. Well, Jackie has a move, though, of if she hooks up with someone and doesn't like the guy, she'll leave her apartment. Oh. And be like, I gotta go. Let yourself out. That seems short-sighted.

You could end in a very bad situation. That's actually, I saw a tweet this morning, I think it's going around, of a woman saying something like um, like, oh, oh, oh, you know what? She was quote tweeting a guy. And the guy said, like, it's so annoying when the girl sleeps over

and you tell her in the morning, like, yo, I got work. And she doesn't move fast. You're like, hey, we got stuff to do today. Get the fuck out of here. And the woman quote tweeted it and was like, I can't believe people treat women like this or whatever. And everyone's like, you can't just stay in someone's house. Who doesn't want you to be in their house?

We're squatting. Squatting whores rights. Get out. That episode of Pete Holmes' show, Crashing. Yes. That was on the list. I brought that to the list. It's a good one.

Have you seen that show? I saw that show. Oh, yeah. I'm not sure which episode. It's like he has a one-night stand for the first time after getting the divorce, and he stays in her house until she comes home from work. Oof. And he's like naked.

And he shattered her glass table. He broke her table. He fucked everything up. And she comes home, and she's like, you're still here? And it was like the most cringeworthy thing I've ever seen. I assume it probably happened to Pete because I feel like a lot of that is like real-life shit for him. And I, oh,

he said something, it was something where he was like he was going to leave but then he broke the table and then he was like, well now I got to stay, it's lunchtime

so I got to eat. It just kept going and all of a sudden it was nighttime and he was like, what have I done? It was unbelievable, man. Get out of people's houses.

The thing I got overlooked in the beginning of this is like, an even bigger difference in men and women isn't the stuffed animal situation. It's like if I told my college roommate that I slept in his bed

because it just looked comfy. Yeah. I just wanted to jump in with you. What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, I didn't even think of that. Dude, I was walking by your room and your bed just looked so comfy. So I just decided to sleep in it.

So I just laid in it and sweat in it and farted in it but that would smell like you're sleeping in your friend's arms yeah literally like you're just being cuddled by your buddy girls will also just like sleep in bed together right yeah yeah yeah that's cool like i you know i'm having a bad night or i had a nightmare like let's just but you know that's the that's the benefit of not getting boned up. Yeah. Is dudes get boned up post-sleep. And it's just, I mean, this is a terrible transition.

But, like, I'll wake up with morning wood. And my five-year-old will run into my room and, like, dive into my bed. Dude, and he's hit my dick like a fire hydrant covered in snow. He had no idea. Just boom. And just hits it. Farhead to pole. What is that, Dad?

I'm like, that's my knee. He's like, that's smaller than a knee. I thought up until this point, there's a Two Bears, One Cave clip where Bert says that they don't teach you everything that's going to happen in parenthood. And he goes like, they don't teach you that. The first time your kid sits on your lap, your dick gets hard. And I think the whole internet collectively went,

wait, what? I don't know what to do with me, Bert. And I remember thinking, that's something that probably shouldn't have been said on a podcast. And I think you just took the crown. My five-year-old dove headfirst into my hard day i mean you know that's like the cigarette bit when he's talking about showering with

this kid and he's like daddy why is yours bigger than mine he's like because mine's hard my son actually walked past our our infant the day and goes, brother's penis is bigger than mine. And I was like, all right. I was like, I don't think so, but I'm not going to debate. It's close. It's close. The other day Keegan was like getting in the shower and he was just, you know, just fucking around like kids do.

And he just grabbed the tip of his dick and went, look at this. But it wasn't like, it was like, it was like playing with a thing. Yeah. And I was like, in like, you know, 10 years,

you're going to do a lot more, buddy. My son pulled his thing similar and said, he was like, it's like that rubber

hand thing that we get from the quarter machines. And I was like, it's similar material. It really is. You're not wrong. Good comp, dude.

Out of the mouths of babes, you know? All right, last one. For the love of God, last one. What's up, guys? I feel like this is kind of like Jackie. I feel like she'll understand this. So my friends last week, they were drinking a bag of wine, slapping the bag,

and I was like, hey, I wonder if anybody's ever hit it so hard that it just broke. And immediately that happened. And it made me thinking because DeMar Hamlin just got an interception last night. And literally before he, the commercial break before he died, I was researching and I literally said out loud, has anybody ever died in the NFL? I didn't know. And the next fucking play

that happened. So like, do I have some powers like Jackie does? Or... I love that we just say died. This man is alive he died though he died

it's vampire DeMar Hamlin that's who we got now he's Jay Walker now I mean he was a borderline roster guy and now he's fucking a starting

safety that was the greatest thing that ever happened to that guy his clone has superior skills whatever happened

whatever the government did the deep state did remember that when they were saying they had like body doubles of demar here well him in the suite like covered in and do that guy is he's got a mask when everyone else on the planet's in a mask he must be a fake person it was a little weird it was a little weird of course i'm like he like shuffled him around it's a little bit strange no it was it was i remember this debate where you were like look at him on the camera and it was like it's a little bit strange. No, it was. It was, dude. I remember this debate where you were like,

look at him on the camera and it was like, it's a camera that he doesn't even know is there. It was weird. It was weird, bro. The way he ran around

like the back tunnels and just like shuffled into that back door. It was just the bowels of a football stadium. Yeah, but it was a little too bad. But what was I saying?

Oh, we were talking yesterday about that. Like when he made that pick, the Jaguars, like, didn't know what to do. Right. It's like the manager of the kids shooting threes. You know what I mean? Got to let them play. Yeah.

They were just running alongside him. They're like, I touched him with two hands. He can't still be running. This isn't fair. Dude, I would have tried to pinata that dude. I would have, like, put my head right to his sternum and see if i could explode his heart myself just why not free murder oh it's mid-villain move i murdered demar hamlin for the second time hey he's out there playing yeah who he wants to do

jackie this makes me feel so much better Because the day before he died On whatever I had decided I had openly said that I was a Bills fan Yeah And so then I thought it was me But now Now it's her

It's her When you get these moments When you're like Like you say The bag might break And the bag breaks Or someone died And the guy dies

It always feels like When you're a kid in the shower And you see the water running down your fingers and you're like am i a superhero right wow i can aim this i don't know what's happening but i think i'm pretty sure i'm a superhero i love the idea of like slapping flimsy plastic, holding a stainable liquid and it breaking. And you're like, what power? We were wondering if it ever broke. I'm like, I'm sure that's happened 50,000 times a night.

Slapping a little limp bag. Yeah, it broke. No fucking kidding. Dude, we did. I had a shore house once in Newport, and it was just me and my buddy. And our other friend was coming over, and we were like, yo, we got a bag of wine left over from last night. It was like a noon on a Saturday kind of deal. Nice.

We're like, let's do sunny canned wine. And we had our other buddy come, and we just kept being like, yo, man, you want a Coke? Because we just kept filling up our Coke can with wine. And after like seven hours, he was like like you mind if i have a beer and we were like dude we're blackout drunk right now we're just keeping a secret these guys are drinking so much soda these guys have had like a 12 pack of soda each we were like literally blacked out you guys look like moms at a cyo award ceremony why are your mouth why is your mouth grape flavor? He's like, how have you guys not told me you've been drinking?

We thought it was really hot. Oh, the good old days. That's it, right? That was the last one? All right. So the special's out. Yeah, Traumatized Animal on YouTube. Christie's YouTube.

But yeah, search Mike Cannon Traumatized Animal. I'm really proud of it, so watch. It's really, really YouTube. Christie's YouTube. But yeah, search Mike Cannon, Traumatize Animal. I'm really proud of it, so watch. It's really, really great. I appreciate it. Thank you, guys. You're always one of the funniest in the game, man. Thank you very much. And Skankfest, CBS Skankfest.

Yeah. On the road and all that shit. Can't get to it. Yeah. I'm all over the road. I'm in New York, too, October 4th at City Winery. So come out to that for the love of God. It's a fun spot.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I'm classy enough for it. Like, I'm bag of wine, slap it it see if it breaks that's my motif so i might bring some true animals into this fucking wine sipping venue good shit man thanks thank you mike សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. you