KFC Radio - Mike Cannon Learns about the ChatGPT Seinfeld Script Mishap || Sam Morril Loves Watching Joe List Bomb

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

Timecodes: 00:00:00 Jackie's hiking excursion 00:25:00 Video Voicemails 00:46:25 Kanye 00:56:58 Drinkers Cannon would come out of "retirement" for 00:59:29 Teaching kids WWE and Jiu jitsu 01:02:10 Getting in fights 01:06:03 Doing dr*gs before sobriety 01:12:18 Dead friend parties 01:14:58 Chris Delia 01:17:55 Cannon massaged his teacher's toes 01:23:41 Abusive parents 01:28:23 DJ AM and Travis Barker surviving plane crash 01:31:36 squatting over the toilet 01:37:48 ChatGPT Seinfeld Mishap +++++++++++++++++++++ Betterhelp: This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC for 10% off your first month Gametime: Download the Gametime app or go to gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply) Pirate Water: Go to https://drinkpiratewater.com to find pirate water in a location near you Barstool House : Go to https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/st-patricks-day to shop our St. Patricks Day Collection!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. And she's like, nothing. Like, nothing. Just staring us in the face. Like fucking Mr. Deeds style. Here comes the Blackfoot! Yo, you got some of the wildest stories I've heard. That might be the wildest stories I've heard, that might be the wildest. Yeah.

It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, and this bitch Jackie Nichols is out of control. Out of control. Out of control. One of the more ridiculous things that I think I've seen anyone ever do. Ever do. Specifically at Barstool, but also maybe just in general humankind. Here are the biggest

collection of lunatics alive so if no one here has done it if you do something that's the craziest thing at Barstool, you're the craziest person in the world this is why this is really funny is because it's crazy and because this is just some dumb chick shit where she was like

I just need to go on a hike first of all, I couldn't I didn't on a hike you were like hung first of all I couldn't I didn't even know yeah back it up when you have a backstory it's not as weird I feel like I sprung it on everyone

and that's why it seems weird but like when when you're with me in my thoughts then you're like oh scary place scary place then you're like

oh okay that makes sense why you would do that so okay I thought wait wait wait give it to the one we're talking about

yeah okay so you wanted you tell the story okay us okay i'll tell the story so i i and here's the thing is like also if i wasn't in new york like if i just went on a hike in california which i used to do all the time like i get that sometimes it's just like my thoughts get all stuck and you gotta get out there and i gotta get out there and like i think of it you know how it's like when like um you're watching a video and like alex earl for example she does makeup and like she talks and it's easier to like listen to what she's talking about because like you're

also watching her do makeup and stuff right i guess so yeah so it's like that's why i think about hiking is like when you're walking and you're like trying to make like your steps and like put your footing and everything. You're making less sense. Okay. I bet you hikers know what she's talking about. I think we're in the wrong. Yeah, you guys aren't part of the hiking crew. I bet you people who hike think that it's cathartic and you think clearer and you're one with nature and you get your vitamin D and blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. So it's like when you're like that, then like the thoughts just like – anyway. It's like being in the shower. You're buying your mind. There's like a difference between just going on a walk like in, so like there's a difference. Like being in the shower, you're buying a mind. Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's like a difference between just going on a walk like in New York

and going on a hike. And also like, I just want to see like a tree or something like that. So what was that? You were having like New York City, concrete jungle.

Like, like I was getting claustrophobic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was just like, I need to go on a hike.

And so I like kept looking up hike. Okay, well, here's the thing. Oh my God. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I keep doing this. Should I say my business idea? I'll get to that. I'll get to that. I'll get to that. Sorry. Okay. up hike okay well here's the thing oh my god sorry sorry sorry i keep doing this should i should i say my business idea i'll get to that i'll get to that i'll get to that sorry okay we'll do jacked up business idea at the end okay okay okay um because it all relates so the so then basically i just like looked up high like i again i just googled hiking i just googled hiking but i can't go alone and because i have to do like this when i have to tell the difference between my rights and my love it's like i'm not listening at home she put up the the l fingers yeah yeah yeah fingers you don't know you're left and you're right well i can but it's like uh i

think it's like a dyslexic thing like if you if you say left right now like i don't know that's not it's a thing no that's a thing that's a legitimate if someone says to you do you know you're left and you're right and you say, I do, but then follow up with, if you say left, I don't know which way it is, then you don't know what your left and right are. Also, if you follow up with, I'm dyslexic, that doesn't matter. Yeah, that has nothing to do with left and right. It's just like a small little dyslexia.

This is the new thing. Rudy says he has dyslexia for numbers. Jackie has dyslexia for directions. You guys are just dumb. I also have dyslexia for directions. I don't know where North is. Yeah. Well, nobody does.

Right. What do you guys mean? We're not Christopher Columbus. Yeah. Like in New York City. I guess he didn't know either. Come to think of it. In New York City, you don't know where North is?

No, no, no. We did this the other day. Remember? We were wrong? Yeah. Oh, wait. No, you weren't here. It was when I did.

I was on. I was going to say, I promise you I wasn't here. Because the numbers go up when you go North. Bro, it was like, no. Oh, you're wrong. No, you're incorrect. No, you're't here. It was when I did. I was going to say, I promise you I wasn't here. Because the numbers go up when you go north. Bro, it was like, no. Oh, you're wrong. No, you're incorrect. No, you're not. Yes.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. We did it on Oops! The Podcast. We are good folks. It's down in the village where it gets a little bit hairy. But when you are in Manhattan, north is up.

So you're saying that way is up. I don't. Yeah. I don't think that's even... I don't know where you're pointing right now. That would be... Okay, so you don't know your direction. I mean, I don't know where...

We're inside a room here. I don't know where... I know, but... Like, this way, going uptown is north. That's uptown. Yes, uptown is north. Okay. It is.

It's just north. I mean, it just is. Manhattan goes up and down north and south. Did you just assume that? Because, like, are you... Brother, that's east. I mean, that's not... John just pulled out his iPhone compass and put it on the...

Brother, that's east. That's east? I mean, it's... I don't know. I know this because we just did it, and Francis was like, wait, you've got to be kidding me. He's like, so, like, the numbers don't make sense? I was like, no, they don't make sense. this because we just did it and Francis was like wait you gotta be kidding me he's like so like the numbers don't make sense I was like no

they don't make sense we gotta go outside because we're not pointing the window's that way so that way would be north yeah and that's what's pointing north what window's that way

so like the windows are out there and like where the producer sits so if you look at the window then the street's going that way and I'm pointing it that way and it's due north

that doesn't go uptown those windows point south. Everybody stop. You guys are just too dumb and pointing at the wrong spot in the room. This is so funny. During Oops, I was like, this is the dumbest segment of all time, and I'm just having it again. You're just pointing the wrong way in the room.

Manhattan is north and south. The numbers go up, you're going north. The numbers go down, you're going south. That's it. East, west, north, south. When you go east, it goes that way. It's just, okay, back to the hiking. That's really stupid.

Back to the second dumbest thing. Okay, I can't tell the difference between the left and the right. Oh, no, no, the hiking. Okay, yeah. So then I, okay, so then I'm just like, I want a tour guide. So I book up tour guides. $800 for one, like, if you just have a single person. So then I was like, okay.

May I just interrupt real quick? Did you ever consider just going to, like, Central Park and, like, hanging out, walking around Central Park? That's not. It's not enough for you? You wouldn't get it if you're not in the hiking. Right. So you got to get, like, into the fucking wilderness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do you get to the wilderness? You have to drive. That's crazy. It's like an hour and a half. To drive to the fucking place to then walk is nuts to me. You drove an hour and a half in a van drunk. Well place to then walk is nuts to me. You drove an hour and a half in a van drunk. Well, you weren't driving, but you were drunk in the van?

I was drunk in the van. Because we are just struggling here to get to... Sorry, sorry, sorry. You looked up guided tours in New York City, and they do these things where you can join up with a group of people who also want to go hiking, and they drove you an hour and a half to where? Do you know where?

Appalachian Trail. Holy shit. Okay, you went for it. I thought it was going to be like Westchester. Here's the suburbs. You went to the fucking Appalachian Trail with a bunch of strangers. And you also booked it and

kind of forgot about it and went out until 3 in the morning? No, no. So I signed up for the wait list and they wouldn't went out till three in the morning no so i i like i signed up for the waitlist and like they wouldn't like and then to then then like at five in the morning like i woke up and like i saw that there was an opening so i was like am i drunk and say i was like okay i guess we're gonna go and then i go and then like we just meet at this random spot and they all my god this is so it's a crazy way to get human traffic yeah i know but then so then but i was like i was like i'll go and i'll suss it out if they way to get human traffic. Yeah, I know. But I was like, I'll go and I'll suss it out. If they are giving off human trafficking vibes, I'll dip. But then it was...

The girl who doesn't know her left from her right is going to be able to suss out the human traffickers. Yeah, yeah. So then I went and sussed it out. It wasn't human traffickers from what I saw. It was like nice woman, like mostly woman and like a few men. What ages are we talking? Like 40 to 30 to 60. Okay. like, a few men. What ages are we talking? Like, 40 to, 30 to 60. Okay.

No, 37 to 60. 37 to 60. That's a specific window. You're a tough root. It's not like a direct attack, but okay. If you showed up and it was, like, all dudes, what would you have done? Well, I would suss them out again. If they were nice-looking dudes.

You'd give them an ocular pat down? Yeah, exactly, like Mac. But the point was that these are hikers. Yeah, and they're losers. Yeah, exactly. The only thing worse than being a hiker is being a fake hiker who looks up other hikers on the internet. You fucking loser. So then also, I'm drunk in the van and I'm like I'm just like

can you imagine you're a hiker and you're like was it Sunday yes Monday okay time for the Monday hike

and there's just this drunk 24 year old in the car you're so excited to like be with one with nature and like talk about adult shit

and then Jackie rolls up like what's up bitches let me tell you about my popcorn funnel I wanna fuck around, right? Totally. And they don't want, they're all, they're hiking.

And they are like, they're getting with it. So you show up and you're like, hey, you're running your spiel on them? Well, it's just like, I'm just like a little bit more like boppity in there. It's called drunk. I'm drunk. But they also, but like the thing was, they were like so clicky. Like they were just like, nobody like even talked to me for like a little bit. Yeah, it sounded like you were the, like the like the yeah i was such a loser in the group they even like at one point

like because we stopped at this cafe and they like all were like in a circle and i was like i was like it was like the most awkward thing that i was like so i tried like squeeze in i like i come up from behind i can't even everybody please go watch on YouTube the thing she's doing with her hair and her ears I'm just like casually like I'll just like pop in like

the little circle like they're doing a circle talk they're doing a little circle talk and you were just on the outside I was on the outside

nobody let me in how far from the talk circle were you like I was like right behind like somebody like it was like

it was like I was like oh these are bitch no it was it was so bad and like somebody like it was like it was like so like i was like oh these are it's making me no it was it was it was so bad and like also like imagine me like my like nerdy hiking shoes like yeah yeah yeah yeah so you show up hiking shoes no i did i didn't sorry they were just running shoes okay so they have their hiking boots and they're probably walking sticks and their knapsacks yeah yeah and i show up and just like shorts a t-shirt and then and then like another like bitchy thing that they did was i i had i have like shorts a t-shirt and then and then like another like

bitchy thing that they did was i i had i had like this puffer on and they're like jackie you're not gonna want to wear a puffer the whole time and everyone laughs like it's like a ruckus like and i was like i was like oh sorry and they're like they were just like you're gonna get hot and you're gonna start sweating and they're all like, you're going to get hot and you're going to start sweating. And they're all like, oh. They said something. It's like, don't fret it if you're going to. Or you should fret it if you're going to sweat it or something.

Because you can't get sweat or else you're going to get cold or whatever. They're like hiking inside jokes. And then again, it's like a ruckus among like. You're a fucking sweaty, greasy Italian meat girl. No, no. But I wasn't. So here's the thing. I was like, I will monitor my body heat. among like... You're a fucking sweaty, greasy Italian meat girl. No, no, but I wasn't. So here's the thing. I was like, I will monitor my body heat.

You guys worry about your own fucking body. And the whole fucking time, I didn't take off my puffer once. And all of them, every single time. So then also, I'm sorry. I'm like, now I'm just like getting all riled up about them again. They're obsessed with the word de-layering. Like every single fucking like de-layering like it's like they're like i don't know like weird they're like they have like de-layering stops

like every like 10 minutes they're like de-layering time girls and then they like will stop and de-layer and then like if you say like you're starting to get hot they're like oh you should de-layer like all this it's like it's like i was like oh i'm just gonna like maybe like de-layer like in like i was like i was like i thought it was like a bit at one point because they were like i was like oh i'm just gonna like maybe like delay or like in like a mile i was like i thought it was like a bit at one point because they were like trying to like they were trying to like fit it in like the whole time it's like super troopers meow yeah exactly um i didn't know that reference but i just went along with it um okay anyway so then yeah we go up to the hike and um and it was like pretty much just them like talking the whole time and i was

like then when my hangover started to hit i was like i'm gonna fucking kill myself if i have to like listen yeah you went on like a 10 mile hike yeah it was like 10 miles so i was like how long does that take um it was like eight hours or something like that what yeah yeah yeah it was like we also like stopped for lunch and everything which also another thing was so then did you bring food what did you bring food

no I didn't know that we were supposed to bring fucking food so then did you bring booze no I didn't bring booze that's a valid question that's a valid question

you're hungover at five in the morning I know well I should have fucking brought booze I would think you bring a bottle of vodka yeah

I would have brought weed like none of that no nothing get to the top of the mountain smoke some weed whatever the fuck you do because I wasn't like the point was I wasn point was I wasn't thinking about getting home. Spending eight hours with strangers.

No thank you. Spending eight hours with strangers walking and hiking and climbing. No, no, no, no. And we were all chatting with each other and everything like that. And I was like, they talk about their renovations and all this stuff. And I was like, oh my god, I can't do this. Were you even like, were you just walking in silence? Or are we trying and they're trying to talk

and you're trying to get in? Okay, so this is kind of what leads to my next business idea. GameTime is the exclusive ticketing partner of Barstool Sports, created by fans for fans. GameTime is the ticketing app that makes it easier than ever to score last minute deals on tickets to sports, concerts, and shows shows and they guarantee the lowest price they crack the code on how to score deals on last minute tickets i think we've said before that that that moment when you're

at the bar and you're like should we just go to the game tonight is one of the greatest one of the greatest moments of all time like you're always in for a good night when that happens uh we've done it a couple times i've done it to concerts i've done it to games i've done it to one of the greatest moments of all time. You're always in for a good night when that happens. We've done it a couple times. I've done it to concerts. I've done it to games. I've done it to basically everything. It's possible with the GameTime app.

The last-minute price drops can be found on seats you thought you could never buy. The purchase process takes just two taps and ten seconds. And once you buy your seats, they're delivered directly to your phone. No printer needed. That is always a pain in the ass because no one has printers. The app also allows you to easily share tickets with friends via text so you can get into the game seamlessly skip the hassle and enjoy the moment download the game time app or go to the website enter your email and redeem code kfc for 20 bucks off your first purchase that is code kfc for 20 bucks off your first purchase terms apply so they're like kind of trying to talk to me a

little bit like i think that they started to realize like they're being bitches so then they like they come and they talk but and so the thing was like at that point i was like i don't know guys talking to you talk to anybody no they were like um very sweet old men well so then when i was talking about hiking flirting though this way this is like one oh god this one girl like goes like i just got like these like you guys I was at REI the other day and I saw these extra small gloves and you guys know that you can never find extra small gloves. Am I right?

And she was like, and my hands are so small that obviously I was so excited. Jackie didn't like that. Jackie was like, well, okay, bitch. Jackie was putting her paws behind her back. Well, yeah. I buy, okay, bitch. Do you happen to have a spare large on you? Her paws behind her back. Well, yeah, I buy extra small, too. And so then this guy goes, yeah, like, I've always noticed your hands are so, like, dainty and small.

And I'm in the middle of them being like, oh, my God, it was so gross. And, like, the whole time they were just, like, talking and, like, doing, like, do you want to go to the REI sale? Like, or whatever. I was like, ew, this was so gross. And the whole time they were just talking and doing like, do you want to go to the REI sale or whatever? I was like, ew, this is so weird. You signed up for this shit. No, I know, I know. You were going to show up and the hiking group was going to be like fucking cool and hip and talking about nice shit you want to talk about. I feel bad I'm just bashing them.

Okay, so this is my idea. So again, if you want to go like what i wanted was just like the hike alone but but with the safety but with the safety or whatever yeah and like even like when you're walking home alone at night you whatever so it's a guy that you hire to just follow you and he's just like 20 paces back and he just follows and just like monitors and makes sure but i took it a step further. This sounds like a great business idea. No, no, no. I want to hire a man to follow me into the woods, please.

But in a nice way. Question number one, are you a rapist? Yeah, no. And he's going to say no. And then you're going to say, okay. And then he's going to rape you. No, because then I thought this through. So it's like an Uber type situation, right?

That is true. They rape people all the time. Yeah, they do rape people this through. So it's like an Uber type situation, right? Yeah, that is true. They rape people all the time. Yeah, they do rape people a lot. Okay, okay. So you're going to get some rapings and some not rapings. It's a gamble. You're probably going to get raped less than if you go alone. I don't know about that.

I think if you signal that you're going into the woods alone and you want a man to follow you, that you're probably, I bet you. You're attracting a bad client. Yeah. Okay, well then. You probably can go into the woods and get in and out without getting raped if you say i'm going into the woods alone you're probably gonna get raped okay whatever well so here here's the thing so it's like an uber type situation a fucking gangster chick to follow you yes well so just let me finish my business idea. Okay, okay. So it's like Uber Black.

The equivalent of that is like a guy, burly, martial arts, like black belt. We're going to have to work on that title. What? You go, you go. Okay, okay. Dude, a big guy. We'll call it Uber Black. Oh, man. Nothing related to race.

Any kind of race. Anyways, he has martial arts skill. He's strapped with first aid kit. All this. Pocket knives. Whatever. Right. Okay.

Uber XL. Honestly, it could just be like a burly guy. He doesn't really have to have martial arts stuff, but he's got band-aids, he's got everything and like he's menacing. And if somebody fucks with you up front, you know, he will come and he will fight them or whatever. Uber X is just like your average run of the mill. It's like Pat is walking behind you.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's like just somebody in like, they're just, they're kind of just monitoring and they're just going to do like a normal human thing if they see you get hurt or whatever. No guarantees. He might get beat up too. Yeah, exactly.

He'll at least be there to yell. Uber pool is a woman. No, I'm kidding. It's like Uber pool is like you link up with other fucking hikers. Uber pool is what you did. Or it's like it's just like but again no because I don't want

another hiker I don't want anybody to fucking talk to me like I don't want like they didn't so the whole thing yeah I know

but like the whole thing is like that you hire Gary to follow you 10 paces back but he doesn't say nothing to you like the whole time

so then yeah so over pool is just like somebody and you don't even have to do anything if I get kidnapped or raped you just have to

call 911 like you don't have to you have to put your life on the kidnapped or raped you just have to call 911 like you don't have to you have to put your life on the line or anything you can leave as soon as you call 911 call my mom call my dad

anything like that so hey uh this is Gary this chick's getting raped out here I'll drop the pin goodbye

exactly by the way this business is just going to be called Gary Incorporated that's the name of it I was actually thinking that it should be named

we'll come up with an acronym like guys available to to not rape you to not rape you yeah gunner Gary

guys available to not rape you anyways so yeah and then you can just you can like walk and you don't have to have

any like chit chat or like listen to fucking bitches or whatever. Well, this does fall under the whole umbrella of alone together. Yeah. I feel like we've had ideas about this in the past, not about hiking, because fuck that shit, but we love, we've always been huge proponents in relationships and friendships and everything of, like, you want to sit on the couch with someone. Yeah. But be able to just be on your phone. Yes. Play a fucking video game, do whatever and not be judged. So you are together, but you're doing alone stuff.

Yes. So, and I think at times we had this idea of like, if you are in a new city and you don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you don't have any friends, like this is, you know, you, you get together and do these kinds of things and this will just be the hiking version of it. Yeah, yeah, there could be, like, different portions of that. We alone together outdoors edition. Yeah. What we're describing as adult friends.

Yeah. I do understand the idea of, like, we don't have to do this. We don't have to do this small talk. Yeah, exactly. It's not anything against girls. It actually is the bigger problem of, like, if you're not, when you are in school, that's how you make friends. And then when you get out of school, it's like we're either fucking each other or we're not.

And then how do you make friends? And if you move to a new city when you're like 28, it's like how am I going to make friends? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you need these dumb things like Zog Sports and like hiking groups and all that kind of shit. And I don't think anybody really likes it except for like the losers who are really into it. But people do it because they like have to. Yeah. But if you made it like,

you just need like a hiking app for cool people and not old lady things. I know. That's the thing. It's like there has to be some. Are you cool? Are you cool? Cool people.

But it also was like kind of, it was kind of fun to be like a loser. Like I was kind of like, I was like, this bitch acting like she's not a loser all the time. I just like slummed it with the losers for the day. You know, normally I'm like, I'm very cool. I just like slummed it with the losers for the day. You know normally I'm like I'm very cool

I have like a cool extroverted outer shell and I just was like a full introvert for a day and I just like I mean other than when I was trying to talk to them and get in their little crew at first but then I was just like I'll just be I didn't talk. Well that's so you

got what you want. You basically got outcast into your situation. It did it was so you got what you want you basically got outcast into your situation it did it was good so what you should do is show up to the hiking groups and just be a bitch right off the bat

and no one will want to talk to you and then you just get the safety well yeah I mean just go and be like you're ugly you're fat fuck you

I'm not going to delay her I'm going to wear my puffer fuck off there was this one woman who was just housing hard boiled eggs the whole time i mean you can't script it it was so weird you cannot even how many hard-boiled eggs at least seven like the whole time you're gonna say four i was like i think you're gonna say two and she

like yeah she's just like by the like seven hard-boiled eggs? This is so many eggs. That's almost a whole carton of eggs. No, I know. That's over a baker's... Well, no, that's not. Nope. That's over a half a dozen. Half a dozen. What was I going to say?

It also, like, wasn't, like, that challenging of a hike. So I was just like, you don't need to, like, fuel up, like, every... With a hard-boiled egg. Like, every, like, whatever. But, yeah. Anyways, so that was the hike. It was a year yeah um i mean it's crazy on so many levels it's you could have been overall though it's also just overall great hike like overall i actually really enjoyed it over a hike with a bunch of

like assholes who uh like threw you to the fucking like yeah i also like i was saying like my brain wasn't really like and so i was having the whole time also the word succumb like in my head it was just succumb succumb succumb succumb dude what is the cold wrong with you just you were just regularly repeating succumb yeah yeah it was stuck in my it's like it's such an aggressive word it was for eight hours succumb also like when you when you consider what you're doing, like, in the woods with a bunch of strangers, repeatedly saying succumb has some odd connotations. Manifesting some shit out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you just, like, your friends are not the type to be like, let's go on a hike? No, they all wanted to come on a hike with me, but that was the thing. Because I was going to just go with your friends. No, I know, but, like, and I love them to death. Oh, but you wanted to be alone. i want to be alone and like i don't want to like i i love i just like for some reason walking with people like i just like i i can't i'm too what you need is your whole friend group signs up as like we like to hike yeah and then you link with other friend groups that are similar and you all swap but then you don't but then it's like

it's like now it's like i know that you're similar to my friend group, but we're not friends, so we don't have to talk about your boyfriend and work and shit. So we all just swap and link up. You just can't talk. You need a group of five, and then five other groups, and then you go... What if you showed up with a bunch of ball gags

and you just put one in everyone's mouth? Weirdly kinky, but I like it. That's a whole other type of app we're talking about. That could be a lot of fun. It's all going to change. Then we're really going to get raped. So here's the idea, guys.

We're going to go deep in the woods. Everyone's wearing ball bags. Everyone's got a ball gag. Don't worry. No, I'm going to bring a bunch of sex toys. However many sex toys you think I'm going to have, it's going to be more. It's going to be an egg numbered of sex toys. How do you guys speak fucking hiking into like sex?

Everybody, D-Layer. You say you want no real talk. That's the only way I know how to shut people up. Ball gags. D-Layer and shove an egg in your mouth. Sex demon. D-Layer and shove an egg in your mouth, you dumb bitch. What was I watching recently?

Was it Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Yeah. When the girl won't stop talking during sex. And she goes, do you want to gag me? And Jason Segel goes, kind of, yeah. For all the wrong reasons. All right. Today's voicemails are brought to you by a very important sponsor.

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It's brought to you by Feidelberg, Brianna, and Dana Beers. So you know it's the real fucking deal. It's called Pirate Water. It's $2, and it's 10% alcohol by volume. And that, my friends, is a little something I like to call getting right to the point.

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into the point. A delicious drink. It is... Four different flavors. 10% alcohol by volume. 16 ounces. You get a pounder. And it's very inexpensive. We were doing it like social videos for it. And we drank about half of one. And it gets you there.

It gets you to the finish line real quick. It is perfect. The name is so sick. The logo is so sick. The marketing is very good. The flavors are so sick. It is. It's awesome.

If you're not drinking pirate water, you're not partying right. That's for sure. We got the very vacation type flavors. You got the margarita, the Bahama Mama, the Miami Vice, all that sort of shit that's like you're on the beach, you're on the water, you're a pirate. We got very cool. Grab that hat too. I like this color scheme. And the hoodie.

Can you grab that hoodie for me? So we got a lot of legit merch coming out. I love the rope hats. Like the purple and blue. Bree's been crushing that for so long now. We got this faded type hoodie. You got a Get Pegged hat if you're interested in that. Get Pegged. Get Pegged hat if you're interested in that. Get Pegged.

Get Pegged is going to be our legacy. Get Pegged is right up there with fucking icing your friend or doing a flamingo, beer flamingo. What's it called? Flabongo. Flabongos. We've got

all sorts of shit. So it's going to be a wild St. Patrick's Day, so it's going to be a wild saint patrick's day a wild march madness a wild spring break the weather's turning warm and this summer it's all about getting pegged and drinking your pirate water it's going to be uh available at you know wherever they sell these drinks also in walmart's gas stations you can order it offline you can go to drinkpiratewater.com or find it near a location near you and

it's gonna be I think like a fucking revolution yeah I'm very very very excited about this it's the three it's Saturday's

it for the boys sleep when you're dead and zillion beers came together and we're like let's create a party drink that's gonna change the game

like Captain Planet yeah all of our forces come by all of our powers come by and it was like Feidelberg was like Saturday's it our forces come on our powers combined and it was like feidelberg was like that was for the boys i was the only idiot was like i was like you guys

i was like you guys are morons you're the three biggest drinkers like ever on the internet you're like oh yeah yeah i guess we are cool cool so uh yeah this is it this is gonna be a big one for us so whether you are uh you know if you've been riding with KFC Radio from the beginning and you're in the older demographic, we understand what you're drinking. And if you're young and partying, we also got you covered as well. Go to drinkpiratewater.com. We're also going to be doing a treasure hunt of sorts where we're going to drop clues online and you can actually find a treasure chest full of pirate water and all sorts of Barstool gear. So be on the lookout for that. We're going to be in the Boston St. Patrick's Day Parade.

We are blowing this thing out. So make sure you get your Pirate Water. Make sure you get pegged. Tweet us. Post it. Tag us. Hashtags. All that.

We're going to be interacting with everybody. So it's a big one for us. So if you support the show and support Barstool, support Pirate Water as well. They are sponsoring our voicemails today. Let's get to it. What's going on KFC Radio? My name's Jordan. I'm just sitting here filling out job applications and a question popped into my head. What is the best job to have ever? All variables considered, you know, money, hours, whatever, anything you could think of. I'll go first. I think it's a weather meteorologist, you know, like a weather forecaster on the news channel, you know, the news networks. I mean, dude, you get to do whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't matter if you're right and you get paid a fuck ton of money.

You know, let me know what you guys think. And really, really quickly, I tried looking for about three and a half hours for this podcast. But KFC, you had said that once Penn finished the buyout of Barstool and you got your equity, I believe you said March 6th or April 6th. I actually wrote it down in my reminders. But you said that you would possibly be interested in hiring a personal assistant. Well, look no further. All right? I'm Jewish. That's number one. I shouldn't have to say anything else besides that.

That should kind of be it. Number two, I'm a little fat. You can make fun of that. Number two, I'm a little fat. You can make fun of that. Number three, I'm short. These aren't things you want in a personal assistant. Yeah, bro, get all your shit done. Is this some sort of reverse psychology? Oh, and I'm Jewish.

He's like, you really want to drive that point home. My guy does not know how to sell the KFC. No, but in a way, it does make sense. It's kind of like, I don't know. I don't want some fucking hot stud in my fucking assistant either. It's like, you know, I want someone who's, this is going to be, like, the best it gets for him. I'm Jewish. Best job of all time.

That's an ages-old cliche, but it's true. It's like the weatherman, it just doesn't matter. They're so wrong so very often. And it's also one of those things where it's like they're also right probably like 90% of the time. You just remember the times that they're wrong. But sometimes they're wrong and they're so wrong. And it's like we're going to get one inch and you get 10 or you're going to get 10 inches and it doesn't even snow. So that's a classic one.

Also, like being an elected government official. It doesn't matter. Being the president. It's like, oh, I just don't do anything that I said I was going to do and nobody cares. Yeah. But also like you have to deal with people hating you. You got to deal with a lot of bullshit. Like meteorologists like – Yeah do and nobody cares. But also you have to deal with people hating you.

Me and you are all just like. Yeah nobody really cares. But if you are like that dude. George Santos. Yeah. Like he doesn't fucking care. He clearly is a pathological liar. So like people hating on him. He is probably like I don't care.

I am a liar. And he just keeps his job. He not like on too high of a level but if you make it to the point that you're like uh just be doing speaking engagements and can like write a book and shit it's like this is great yeah and i did it all on live i never followed through anything i said i was gonna do and people don't care that's one of your lines in veep with uh selena meyer she's like it's our official party platform. It's like a list of shit we're not going to do. Yes, that's all it is.

It's like things that I'll try to get done but definitely won't be able to accomplish. Okay, cool. Sounds fucking great. Also, they don't like it when we say this, but teachers, it's a fucking joke of a gig. Teachers, you've got to be up early. You've got to be up early. You a gig. But teachers, you gotta be up early.

You gotta be up early, you gotta deal with kids. You're up early, you deal with kids, and you also have to deal with parents and shit these days. In return, you're out early, you get a huge chunk of the year off, and a lot of vacation time throughout the year, and

it's not hard. No. it's like you just like say the same curriculum over and over and over again the uh yeah that is true you never have to learn anything like if you're like a history teacher who teaches like American history it's just like doesn't change yeah well no because it does remember where I said

that I said that when I watched Waco I was like how did I not even know about the version they teach doesn't change yeah yeah again it's like they just skip 20 years there's like Lego? Well, the version they teach doesn't change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, it's like you just teach whatever you want. They just skip the 20 years. It happened because the books are old. If this happened recently, we're just not going to talk about it. No, totally.

They don't teach anything modern and anything where we're the bad guys. You don't actually get the truth. Yeah, yeah. You don't really get the truth at all. It's just like – yeah, and then we vaporized an entire city twice. But hey, celebrate Victory Day. I remember I went on a battleship and it was like talking about uh pearl harbor and it's like a lot of stuff about pearl

harbor and i was like no follow-up on that huh you're not gonna mention what happened afterwards like like the fact that there's uh like vic armistice day or victory day or whatever yeah yeah it's like that's also the day that like 200 000 japanese people got massacred yeah that's our celebration day yeah it's like i mean i get it they're the bad guys but like you know maybe maybe have you ever heard of the uh i don't want to get it wrong i I was listening to Rory and Mal's podcast, and Rory was talking about the Battle of Los Angeles, I think it was. Dude, some wild shit. Isn't that a movie? Probably is.

But it's like they're fighting aliens. Yes, but it's real life. So it was right after Pearl Harbor. I think it was February after Pearl Harbor. So December 7th was Pearl Harbor. February 24th into the 25th was a, it's either called the Battle of Los Angeles or the Great Los Angeles Air Raid. Where they fought what they thought was another Japanese attack. And then it turned out to not be.

And it was like a night-long air battle. And in the history books as unidentified flying objects, because they thought it was Japanese, and it wasn't. Now, it was in the middle of World War II, so maybe it was Germany, maybe it was Japan, and they were doing some shady shit. But it was like a battle that lasted hours and hours and hours like overnight and it was in that same like hawaii uh like port or whatever i think and like it's it's like officially in there as like unidentified flying objects that's fucking fucking crazy right

i mean i've seen what the movie i haven? I mean, I've seen the movie. I haven't seen the movie. I've seen the trailer of the movie, and I was like, that's a weird premise for a movie, but it's just the truth, huh? Yeah, like searchlights and anti-aircraft guns

comb the sky during a false alarm, but there was like five deaths. Oh, this is some bullshit, though. This is some bullshit. There was five deaths. Three were in car accidents, and two were heart attacks. So I don't know what was really going on here but like again maybe some shit that should be in the textbook yeah i should have learned about that that seems like a pretty

at the very least something cool that the kids might want to talk about you know i mean fucking crazy the amount of shit that just gets glossed over i wonder what they'll what they'll like fuck up in the history books or like that shit they'll gloss over because eventually they'll have to start to include that right but i guess you know what not really though because there's only so much days in a school year like they they when we again greatest generation we were in school for like whatever 180 days and that many hours of of history class was enough to go from like the beginning of america to basically the end but now but you add another like 50 and 100 years on you're gonna have to condense everything you start cutting some stuff so it's like yeah

there was a little slavery yeah yeah yada yada like the vietnam war and like the korean war basically didn't even happen yeah you know like shit like that so i wonder if it'll be like you'll probably gulf war i don't know what the fuck that was you'll jump from desert storm no idea what that was you'll jump from vietnam to 9-11 like that yeah it'll be like there was a couple things going on but then 9-11 really changed everything it was like yeah some shit was happening in the middle east they're gonna gloss over you know it'll go from 9-11 to the pandemic and everything else. Nothing matters. Speaking of history and things like that, I was in D.C. this weekend. And on the National Mall, I'd driven by the monument and stuff like that, but I'd never seen him. Pretty cool.

But there was a pro-Russia rally. Like a bunch of Russian flags. People were like, you guys rooting for the favorite? Come on over here. The super team? Were they Russians in America? I don't think they were speaking English. Because at one point they were...

That's pretty bold. They were not harassing, but denouncing the congressmen and senators and stuff like that who are sending aid to the Ukraine. Is it more of an anti-that than a pro-Russia? I mean, they had a lot of Russian flags. That's like being like, you know, I'm to the Ukraine. Is it more of an anti-that than a pro-Russia? I mean, they have a lot of Russian flags. That's like being like, you know, I'm on the Confederate. Yeah, I didn't really listen to too much, but it was one thing I overheard was that the congressmen and the senators and everyone sending help to Ukraine,

the suits they wear are made of blood. The food they eat is blood stew. I was like, what the fuck does that even mean? Work on your PR. You need better marketing. Oh, wait. Before we get to our next voicemail, also, can't let

Jackie off the hook for not being able to open doors. What? Oh, you don't know this one? No, I swear to God. I don't think so, no. Jackie has called her landlord oh yes like 10 times just to open the door yeah i will say this i'm on your side i i know new york city doors i can probably tell you i could probably guess the type of key that you have is one of those like square ones that's that it doesn't look like a normal key no well like ovals like ovals. I mean, there's two.

Because I've had a lot of fucking weird doors in New York City that are hard to open. But it's normally not hard to open. It's just that you're a drunk bitch. No, no, no, no. You're a dumb drunk bitch, Jackie. Dead sober. Have you seen the video of her calling the landlord? Yes.

She's like, I need help again. He's like, I cannot be doing this. I am not a teacher. I am not a teacher. I am not a teacher. What he should do is show up and be a teacher and help you. But I kind of love the fact that he just walks up, opens it, and walks away. Because I like warm it up for him. So by the time he comes.

The old eye. Yeah, I loosened it. It's like whatever. Yeah, no, that's not how locks work, you idiot. And now I have like a whole carbon monoxide thing. Like my carbon monoxide thing goes off and, like, says it. But I can't call him. Well.

I'm not going to call him. Because I think you can probably call him for the carbon monoxide. No, no, no. I would rather fucking die. I get that she can never call him again. I can't ever call him. The fact that you can't just knock on, like, a neighbor's door and have them help you or something. I know what you're talking about, too, though.

I have a hard time with doors. Sometimes it's, like, you like yeah like pull it and twist yes and there's in new york it feels like you sometimes you have these doors you got to turn it like four times yeah and then you're actually re-locking the door and sometimes you're locking the top one while you're unlocking the bottom one i get it but we'll do but by now but like eventually you should figure it out yes i mean like it's i can't figure it out we're gonna do it i can't do it today but we are are going to go over to Jackie's apartment. It's like around the corner from the office, and we will all blindly, no talk, no nothing.

Everybody takes a turn to open the door, and you have like 10 seconds to try to do it. Yeah, perfect. Okay. And you think that we're all going to fail? Well, but the issue is that once one person gets it open, then you warmed it up. That's not how locks work at all. Locks are either locks or pickles. They're not jars of pickles. You have to go dumbest first. So fights, you warmed it up. That's not how locks work at all. Locks are either locked or not. They're not jars of pickles. You have to go dumbest first.

So fights, you can go first. Oh! Okay, you know what we'll do? It's going to have to be like a four-day operation. Because we'll go one at a time. If you warm up the lock, you go Monday, I'll go Tuesday, he goes Wednesday.

There's a ten-minute period where I can open it after he's done it. So then I accidentally locked myself out right after I had to call my sister. She had to come because she has a spare key. And she comes and she opens it? She came and she opened it. So you're dumb? No, I'm not dumb. No, no, no. She was able to do it.

No, she was not able to do it. She was not able to do it and then we had to get the neighbors to help. I trust your sister a lot more. If your sister can't do something, it's a little more like... And the neighbors couldn't do it. They had to call the landlord. I'm like 50-50. Part of me is like, Jackie's dumb, as always. But part of me is like, I know how

that can be. You guys know, I'll admit when I'm... Most of the time, I will be like, I'm being a dumb person. But it is the fact that he just comes and he's just like... But he's been opening that door for decades. He probably is doing a lift or a twist or he's just like yeah but he's been opening that door for decades he probably is doing a lift or a twist

or a he's got a thumb you know some sort of move in it so we'll do a little KC Radio outing to see

how bad this door really is this is a long ass episode I'm light and better now I'm buzzed watching London Has Fallen. Hell yeah.

I love Gerard Butler. And I know you do too. What is your favorite Gerard Butler movie of all time? That's a tough one. Probably got to go with London Has Fallen, I think. Law-abiding citizens up there too, though. Fuck me. Gerard Butler has

an unbelievable fucking IMDB. The dude doesn't miss. Oh, Geostorm, I watched that recently. That was great. What else did I watch recently? He has basically two Geostorms.

Greenland is also basically Geostorm. Greenland's also dope. Law-abiding citizen. Plane, 300. London's fallen. Angel's fallen. Olympus has fallen. Oh, I also watched PS I Love You recently.

Machine Gun Preacher. I will say, oh, Den of Thieves, dude. Den of Thieves is fucking unreal. The Ugly Truth. Hunter Killer is fire. cop shop is dope the only one and this is so you guys know i'm honest uh oh the vanishing is great um the only one that is uh really really bad is last seen alive last seen alive is like a really bad movie. It is. It's jarringly bad. It's on Netflix if you want to see it.

But it is bad. What's its rating? I think it's Last Seen Alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See that? A 13% Rotten Tomatoes, and that's a little high. It is so, so bad. But that's it.

All right, now it is time for our interviews. We got Mike Cannon. We got Sam Murill. Two unbelievable comedians. Sam is in AC this weekend. Mike is at Gramercy Theater. Go see everybody. Listen to the episodes.

Goodbye. St. Patrick's Day is one of the biggest merch holidays there is. Everyone needs their special outfits to go out. You can't really go out in anything not green because you will get pinched. And luckily, Barstool has made it easy for you to get your full green

outfit this year. St. Patrick's Day is coming up and we've made it easy. Go to the store.barstoolsports.com to shop our St. Patrick's Day collection. The link is in the description. Check it out. Go to the store.barstoolsports.com to shop our St. Patrick's Day collection. The link is in the description. Check it out. We have all kinds of shit. We got some stuff that's not even really that St. Patrick's Day. It's just drinking. We got Charlie

and Frank with the orange juice, like the mixer. We got the Wade Boggs Challenge. Those are just drinking shirts. We got Happy Birthday Rob Kardashian because he was born on St. Patrick's Day. It is my favorite shirt of all time. I love it. I think it's hilarious. No one's

buying it. We got all kinds of shit. Just go to the store. Check out the KFC Radio tab. Tons of new stuff in there. We very much appreciate you supporting us. Thank you very much. Again, go to the store.barstoolesports.com.

Check out the St. Patrick's Day collection. We ready to rip over there? Is that her? Yeah. Oh, man. Let's work on that. I wouldn't have if I know. What was it?

I didn't even hear it. You won't break my soul. Yeah. Is there any 40-year-old woman dying to be 20 More than Beyonce Beyonce doesn't fucking do anything She doesn't do anything anymore I saw that her Adidas line Is like failing miserably

It's called Ivy Park It misses I kind of respect it It missed it's revenue goal Like 5 straight quarters or whatever. Damn. By like $200 million every time. Holy shit.

Everything's discounted and everyone was commenting like, well, we've never seen the bitch out in public wearing it. She doesn't go out of her house. When was the last time you saw Beyonce in fucking sneakers and a t-shirt? When was the last time you saw Beyonce ever? Period. I'm trying to think something's going on. I actually respect the hell out of that.

Dude, first of all, I've started thinking something was going on since the lights went out at the halftime show and Blue Ivy got indoctrinated into the Illuminati. I've been a long time eyebrow raise at Beyonce. Like you just don't, unless you're just like, I fucking made it, I made my money, and then I'm out, peace, which is adm admirable but she's just not that type of person i feel like she was like she's a diva she's a fucking you know one of the crown like divas of the world but you also just never see her

that's why tom cruise katie holmes shit right yeah the adidas thing though she should just start like reading passages from mind Kampf just to boost some sales. They're like back in talks with Kanye. Are they really? The ultimate toxic relationship. No way. They lost, boom, a billion dollars instantly and they were like, well, maybe we can make it work.

No way, dude. My guy was on Infowars saying, I like Hitler. And Adidas is like, nah, I've run it back. But you know what? If you think about it, if there's one company that would do it, it's Adidas. Is it? Hugo Boss.

Adidas and Puma are like, they're like big time Hitler guys. Really? Yeah, they were made by Germans in like the 40s. It is awesome how when you realize how many successful brands were just like, oh no, we were Nazis for a while. Like Mercedes was like, yeah, no, we built all the cars for the Nazis. You hear those trucks rumbling right next to

the trains? That was ours. There was no way. You forget it was really not that long ago. So it's like, if you were in business in fucking Germany 50, 60, 70 years ago, you were going to be questionable. The first kind of badass dude to point that out. Did you ever see that Russell Brand clip when he won some award of nothing, but he walked out at the end?

He's doing the press conference. He's like, oh, it's good to see Hugo Boss here. I haven't seen them since they designed suits for the Nazis. It's like, how cool is that? They're still kicking, huh? People are like, oh my God. They are, dude. Like, everybody knows that now, I think.

And I feel like people still wear Hugo Boss. Yeah, oh yeah, Hugo Boss. It just doesn't matter. No. It doesn't matter. That's why Adidas is probably like, we'll wait it out. Adidas and Kanye should just, like, lean into it and put out a tracksuit with one of Hitler's paintings on the back.

Just a sweet little German shepherd mosaic. It was interesting to see, like, I mean, the tribe does not mess around, man. No. The Chosens were like, you're done. Makes you think something's going on. But that being said, like, if Kanye comes back, he'll be the only guy to have ever... Well, no. No, Mel Gibson.

Some people beat him. Yeah, I guess they do. Mel Gibson is now just doing roundtables with other actors. You know how hard it is to get the character? It took him 20 fucking years. For sure. He was gone for a minute. But he had the setback.

So he said the hateful stuff during the DUI. Then he screamed at his Russian oligarch girlfriend. And so he had a little bit of a... He's like Zion with injuries. He said the hateful stuff during the DUI. Then he screamed at his Russian oligarch girlfriend. And so he had like, you know, a little bit of a, he's like Zion with injuries. Yes. Yes. It's like, man, what could have been? Tyler has a tweet about that where, uh, Trill Withers.

And it's just like, it's like my favorite. It's like the most racist shit in the world that it's just so funny. Yeah. What he said to his wife was, I hope you get raped by a pack of N-words. Right. That's right. They travel in packs. That is the most hateful racist shit.

If you mad-lives it and try to make it as fucking tight, hateful as you can, it's that sentence. I don't think I would think of that if I was being raped by a pack. I don't even think I would have that in my heart see that yeah just be like guys take it out on me if kanye comes back in like a calendar year basically that's a big is that a big flex for him is that you know i remember before the hitler shit went down he had a quote when they when they were on the rocks and he was like, it's going to cost you a billion to keep me and it's going to cost you a billion to lose me.

I was like, that is a flex. It took me a second. Oh, I get it. You're right. It proved to be true. For them to come back and be like, if he gets a raise, it's going to have to be...

It's a boost in salary gets like a raise, right? Yeah. Oh my God. If he gets a boost in salary, they're like, you know what, dude, you're like, he's like one of the CEOs of a bank that went under. They're like, we'll give you,

we'll give you plenty of money to come back. just getting a bailout. I mean, I feel like it was like a three week period where people were like, yeah, you can't wear Yeezys anymore. Right. And then a lot of people were like,

I spent my paycheck on this and I want to fucking wear these sneakers. When I still see a pair of Yeezys, I'm like, you made a decision anymore. Right. And then a lot of people are like, I still pay check on this and I want to fucking wear these sneakers. When I still see a pair of Yeezys, I'm like, you made a decision today. Yeah. I don't actually think

it means anything, but you at least thought, like, some people might think I'm racist and hate you, but I want to get this fit off anyway.

It's kind of a more playful MAGA hat. You know what I mean? Because it's not necessarily an abrupt fuck you. You could be like, oh, I didn't even realize when I slipped them off. It's not like this big red goofy thing. It's like, oh, it just matches my shirt.

I forgot. Sure, I agree with some of the principles. Trump is just chilling on true social, still just fucking dropping bombs, but it's like it's not even real, you know? Yeah. I just like the fact that he's Tokyo drifting on golf greens and just like knocking in a four foot putt and then getting the fuck out.

Did you see that video? No. Dude, he's like spinning around the hole just to knock in whatever. Driving in the car? On the green of like, you know. I mean, it's his, right? Yeah. Dude, I did that once.

I was probably like seven years old and i was at the greenbrier with my family we had like this big like family reunion down there and i went golfing with my aunt and my grandfather maybe and my aunt had i was driving the car with her she doesn't know golf etiquette we were both just like let's have a day yeah i drove that fucking thing right onto the green and men from miles around came running down the hill with clubs in the air. Like, what are you doing? It's like ice rolling, just riding dirty right up on the green. Going a good 25 miles an hour or two.

You took the restrictor off of that thing. That might be the one thing that could turn some of his loyalists against him. Yeah. With golf etiquette, they're like, fuck that. That's the one thing they could turn some of his loyalists against him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Golf etiquette? They're like, fuck that. That's the one thing they hold more sacred. It's the only time they respect Mexicans' work. I love the people who are not understanding that he's talking shit about DeSantis,

turning on the Republican Party, and they're like, wait, what do you mean? Aren't we all on the same team? Yeah, no. You dumb motherfuckers. It's so funny how so many people got into politics while knowing nothing about it. Yeah. And I realize I've always, over the last decade now, I've been saying politics has become sports.

Yes. And all those people are like your cousin at Thanksgiving who's trying to talk about football. And you're like, oh, my God. You don't know any. You don't know what you're talking about. I'm just going to let you say it because I don't want to explain how a first down works. You know what I mean? You fucking idiot.

Those are those people. You don't know shit about politics, but you're talking about it every fucking day. That's the thing about living in the suburb. So I live right outside the city now and it is a far more patriotic place than the city because like america's a cul-de-sac you gotta love america you know what i mean it's like why tom brady believes in god it's the same thing wouldn't you with that jawline but it's like they put up their stickers like they're rooting for the jets right or for the giants and it's like you guys i understand having your people

and I totally get that and being inspired and wanting a certain thing to be carried out for your country, but it's like, they work for us. I don't have a sticker of my manager on my car. I don't root for the guy technically fucking paying. Even that was a particularly Trump thing, I feel like.

The flags. There were never Obama flags, were there? Not at least with the frequency of Trump. There was a hope sign. I bet you everybody kind of had... Yeah, campaigning is also different than... It's like, you won, you're good. But it's also like anything else where it's like,

the next level. You can't just stay at a thing. There's no... Exactly. Then I'm going to chip my followers. The hat was like... We sold the Make America Great Again hat. It's brilliant. We were like, that hat is brilliant. It's funny.

We sold it in multiple colors, I think. I think we had a whole line. Within a week, were like Maybe not Maybe not But in the beginning It was like a joke It was really funny For a second

The whole thing Was really funny For a minute Yes It's like Kyrie With Flat Earth You're like Kyrie's got a point

And then two weeks later You're like fuck There really was Something so fun about it And then it was like Even whether you Like him or not like him You can admit

Things got a little Out of control Sure If you're on his team it's like whoa okay yeah we gotta we gotta you know i'm all for it drive on the green like that's the stopper that really might be it well you guys know that like like within this business it pays to be an agitator right it pays to disrupt and it pays to kind of, like, say outlandish shit. The thing that bums me out the most is they're taking our bits. Oh, like, they're saying the craziest shit that you can think of, and now what we say is no longer funny, and it's considered a fucking serious declaration of opinion. I remember we had, what's his name, Timothy Simons on,

and this is back at the old office, and it was, like, towards the end of Veep. He plays Jonah O'Brien in Veep. And he was like was like he's like we didn't even know what to do anymore and that's like a cliche that like veep like predicted or whatever but it was like he's like we didn't know we couldn't do anything you can't write anything yeah like it looks like you're trying too hard it's actually coming true now yes like it's tough to elevate a fart you know from being funny it's tough to satirize it it is it is what it is so everything that he's saying is already the bit i remember in in the last season it was before um i think before trump went anti-vax

and and jonah r Ryan is traveling the country, and he gives everyone, because it was before the pandemic, so no one was anti-vax. I mean, some people were, but the kids were. Dude, I've been talking anti-vax on conspiracy podcasts since fucking 2012. She's a big Jenny McCarthy fan.

Yeah, dude, yeah. And then she found out her kid was bored. It was like not even, it was like not even autism. But Jonah's going and traveling around, and he's giving everyone chicken pox because he refused to get vaccinated for chicken pox. And then you can just see in the map where he went. And I was like, that's crazy. That's just what happened.

That's just what happened. All of his rallies. Veep was the best. Veep is an all-timer. He tries to outlaw math. He's Arabic. He found out numbers were Arabic. They're teaching our kids Arabic

math. That's outstanding. Did you hear the n-word thing that he did? No. He said that there's two n-words. There's the n-word and then there's also nuclear. And he was like, now the one n-word, we can't say that one at all. The other one, we shouldn't be saying too often often either but you can't really say either of them it's like oh my

god dude i thought he was gonna go down the hard r vs the a path oh that'd be fun that's not as bad i love that too and like you know i've said the word cunt and my wife has been like hey dude like that's like terrible for women i was like oh were you called that while you were brought over here and chips was that was that tough for you while you were getting whipped mulaney has that one where he talks about uh they're trying to decide i think it was a way he's working for snl um if midget is as bad as the N-word, he's like, we're saying one. Yeah. We're not saying the other.

You can say the word out loud. The one you can't say is the worst one. That's so perfect. Man, I would love to do coke with John Mulaney. I would come back for that. Fucking. Yeah. I would come back for that.

I really would, dude. You got to come out of retirement. Yeah, 100%. Give me a list of five guys you'd come out of retirement for. I think Burt. Burt Kreischer would be one, because you can't can't like i mean the way you guys were whisked away and just like spent unbelievable for that i would be like yeah just in a really good way like yes like i i think you could dip your toe and and go back oh yeah like it wasn't we weren't pushed

into anything right and go too hard yeah weird it was like you want to smoke smoke you want to do some hallucinogenics you know whatever you know well and i think like similar to how i stopped so i stopped like over four years ago and i basically did it in the parents like handing you a carton of cigarettes and being like smoke the whole thing because i went to new orleans went to went with my buddies my wife my family and i got blacked out for four days in a row to the point where at the end i didn't even look like myself I was like a waterlogged drowning body. And then I felt terrible, had like depression for three weeks.

And I was like, perfect. This is the time to stop. You never really stop. Yeah, exactly. You never really stop anything until you really don't want to do it anymore. That's right.

Yeah. Like whether it's a person you're dating or a food you're eating or whatever, it's like, if there's still some part of you that really enjoys it, you're always going to like. Yes. And I love I love alcohol. I love drugs. Like still to this day.

Don't do it. But it's like, yeah, I have to. I'm very thick headed. I'm Irish. I'd learn lessons like by being hit in the face repeatedly over and over again. So I needed to haze myself out of alcohol. That is the unstoppable force versus the immovable object of like the deep-rooted irish alcoholism yes versus the like you know

punishing yourself and it's like am i gonna be able to stop right you're gonna make me you know yeah but that is my wife gonna raise this baby alone there's also something so destructive about when you drink that way. Like, I have said it a billion times, but a hangover with a kid is impossible. I can't even imagine. You know, you can do – I think you can probably take care of a kid high on mushrooms way easier than you did with a hangover. We'll paint forever. We will.

We'll do a lot of art. It would be great. I do it the other way. I actually – so this weekend I went to visit my buddy And his kids And I was I mean I wasn't babysitting but I was watching the kids And we just

Wrestled And that kind of beats the hangover out of you too No kidding See you're still a young man Then you're not there yet Because I have to wrestle Keegan sober Or not drunk and hungover, and I can't do it. I mean, it was fun to do it, but I made the mistake of introducing him to the WWF. Oh, yeah.

I put on Stone Culver's The Rock at WrestleMania, and he was kind of like, what is this? Can I be watching this? You just gave him a key bump of entertainment and then I laid like their their old crib mattresses

like the tiny mattresses on the ground and we started to wrestle and now every time he's at my house he like we literally get inside he just pops the top

he's like let's wrestle and I'm like I fucked up my neck the other day sleeping on it wrong and I was like I can't today

I can't today and he asks me three times and I'm like okay fine that's basically exactly what I was doing when I fucked up my neck the other day sleeping on it wrong. And I was like, I can't today. I can't today. And he asked me three times. And I'm like, okay, fine. Yeah, let's do it. That's basically exactly what I was doing. No, no. I was like picking him up and like throwing him and shit like that. Oh, yeah.

But inevitably, like one of us, like he fucking kicked me in the fucking, right in the nose, like heel to the nose. And he basically won the wrestling match. Kicked me in the dick. I hit him too hard one time. Like inevitably, someone's going to get hurt. But that's also kind of the fun of it yeah so i like kind of toughening him up a little bit like he's been hanging out

with his sister for like five straight years so you know it's like let's push him around yeah let's lock the wind out of you although does she kick the shit out of him because my older sister living piss out of me yeah he's very dainty and like i don't know about the rest of the world but my kids are gender fucking right oh my yeah my kid is is a boy and we never like we never like pushed in that direction like when he was really little shea was playing with with dresses and high heels and he just did that too because he was like that's the only thing i know in the world but then when it came time to just like decide his own shit he's like spider, Spider-Man, truck, dinosaurs, wrestling. And Shay's doing fucking gymnastics and dancing.

It's like, I don't know about the rest of you guys. I'm old school and normal. It's easy for me. It's good. My son gave me, we're thinking about getting him into jujitsu already. Because he's three and a half, but his energy is like nuts. Do it, dude. Oh, yeah.

I think we're good. That was one. I wish I had done some sort of martial arts. Me too. I'd be less frightened. Stay in shape. And just to like, I don't think if you do like jujitsu as a kid that you can like street fight. No.

I feel like we've all seen videos on the internet where some guy's like. Knocked out. But just to like handle yourself a little bit and stay in shape. And so we put him in it. And like he, it's, and he's focused. He's one of those kids who's all over the place. And I watch him. He's talking to the—he calls him Master.

He's like, I love Master O. That's awesome. Humility! Perseverance! Doing all these fucking things. Oh, that's great. And I never did it, so I can't even really relate. But I watched him.

I'm like, this is fucking cool. I mean, I knew—so I've been in a fair amount of fights throughout my life but i have never entered into them calmly i'm like a fucking cat that sees a pickle like i lose my mind my skeleton is jumping out of my body right but the thing that i know i watched i did the show early early in stand-up a couple a couple months in and i booked schultz for it and we're at this bar that shouldn't have have stand-up they double show with, like, a breast cancer awareness thing. So it was truly brutal. And Schultz is up there saying, like, lop them titties off.

You know, like, something just classic inflammatory great Schultz shit. And this guy stepped to him and, like, got within arm's length of him. And Andrew just kind of stayed there and stood and was like, what's up? And I was like, hey, man, what was that? Like, why were you so calm? He's like, yeah, I've been boxing since I was like a kid. Right. And I was like, I want that.

I want that. I would never. We always do when we do an answer the Internet, like we'd like to be best singer, actor, fighter, whatever. I was a fighter because I and not because I would go around and fight, but I would just be confident at all times that if shit pops off in the worst way possible, I'm good. All of my rage stems from fear. Every bit of it.

Inferiority, insecurity, fear. Parents yelling at me. Or even also knowing, even if you fucking jump me and i get hit in the face a few times like right i've been through that and sparring and yeah like i'll be okay that's kind of a that is a big moment in or at least it was in my life the first time i realized i could like i could take a real punch yeah like not just like a whatever we're scrapping and one nicks me and like then we're whatever i took like a flush fucking punch from a kid in high school.

That was like, it probably should have knocked me out. But I just like ate it and then looked at him. I was like, what's up? Oh, I had it. I had it with a kick. And it made me so happy that I just took it. Like, I started laughing hysterically. Bleeding everywhere.

But that's some shit with a guy who's kicking. I was like, wow. I don't know what that guy is. There's terrifying yeah that was uh one of my favorite stories have you heard francis tell the story about getting beaten up by a lobsterman no it's honestly i i told him i'm like you need to like turn into a an animation or a fucking short film or something. It's an amazing story. He kind of got pulled into some macho shit. He wasn't even part of the crew fighting tangentially, but he was like, I guess I'm going to fight. Paired off with a six-foot-five lobsterman who kicked him in the face standing up.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I was on my own. In jeans? Well, that's what he was like. This guy was so flexible. And I think he was telling it on Matt and Shane. And McCusker was like, how do you know he was flexible?

And he was like, well, he kicked me in the face. And he was like, but how do you know he was flexible? He was like, I was standing up. And Francis was like 6'2". Yeah, dude. He shamoned him right in the face. So he gets the shit beat out of him The whole story is really amazing

But at the end He was like Happy he basically survived Oh yeah So he like Went to the guy And was like Yo good scrap man

And the guy was like Uh yeah like for me Yeah yeah I feel good You got it Yeah like he had nothing on And like You got the shit beat out of him

Francis is like You don't understand. My father pays for this. Successful, powerful men loves their balls getting stepped on. This is free fun for me. But he was like, you know, I felt like, yeah, like, I could, like, this was a good thing that happened in my life. And then he was like, and then I went home and woke up the next morning and I needed, like, facial surgery.

Oh, shit. Like, he was like, it was not a good thing. Oh, that's bad. Yeah. I mean, he went to do coke and it just, like, he learned it and it just, he had the deviated septum. So it just didn't go anywhere. Oh, my God. The coke just stayed on the table.

And he was like, it's not working. I don't know how to do coke. The coke is bad. It's like, dude, your nose is over here. I was in Gettysburg College with my buddy. He went there. And that is like, maybe it's back at the time. I don't know what it's like now.

Oh, I've heard stories. But it is like, we were doing line changes. Almost like, all right, bottom half of the party, you go upstairs to do coke. Top half, you come down. And I was doing coke for like three days in a row. And same thing where i just did a bump and it all fell out of my nose and i was like no it was like no more yeah i'm like physically incapable of being addicted this is great this is actually great my body is

shutting down i knew uh my crew of friends got a uh an rv and drove up to gettysburg for like one of their younger brother's birthdays, 20th birthday or something and they just drove the RV onto the fucking lawn of the frat house and just left it there and like partied on the RV. And it's just shit like that

that I don't think any college allows anymore. Like we probably were the, one of the other reasons I think we're the greatest generation is we were the last people to experience a little bit of the like the,

I don't fucking know. Anonymity. Until somebody dies we can just keep pushing the envelope yeah yeah i'll just be like okay wait a minute we got my friend circle quite a few of us died wrong person coming back to gettysburg we like left so we left for the weekend and then we decided same thing where we're like circle back fuck it call off classes monday we're hanging out and we came back we had – we both – me and my friend John had two Coke bags up our nostrils and just came, like, running back onto the yard. Those were our ride-home bags.

But we were like, fuck it. Let's party. Let's do it. And we ended up just doing Coke and watching Stephen Lynch stand up for, like, 18 hours in a row. I do love the people – like, you know, you party in New York. You're love the people. You party in New York. You're at the club. You do coke. You want to stay up late.

Fine. The people who are going to the Yankees game, doing blow. Yeah. Hanging out in Central Park. What is going on? I wouldn't recommend it for... I did coke at Rock the Bells when they first did it at Randall's Island. Rage Against the Machine was reunited for the first time in like however long.

And I did Coke in one of the porta potties. And it's 114 degrees outside. And I come back out and I'm like just overheating. I'm watching Cypress Hill. I start having a panic attack as rage is coming on. I had to fist fight my way out of 60,000 people. Because people weren't moving. It was swelling more towards me

I was like 12 stacks back from the stage and my heart was exploding rage was the only reason I went and I laid on a grassy hill listening to them looking up at the Lord hoping to be okay and that was how many more years before you got sober?

like 15 like a lot that wasn't even close to rock bottom And that was how many more years before you got sober? Like 15. Like a lot. That wasn't even close to rock bottom. That was like, I can't wait to tell this on a podcast. Dude, we did what the greatest college I ever went to was Vanderbilt. And we had like a blackout tour there. And I forget the frat that we hung out with.

But they would do Coke stands. Jeez. Which they would fucking. fucking... I've never seen it anywhere else ever again. They would fucking lay the mirror on the floor, you would grab someone's legs, and they would fucking do... I don't think it even does anything. I think it's just chaos.

So they would do a Coke stand, and then they would do a beer pants, which is, they would do a Coke stand, and they would do a beer pants Which is they would do a coke stand And they would pull their pants out And they would just dump a beer in it That's fucking awesome It was a great day Did you do it?

Of course I fucking did One in Rome Dude Gettysburg My boys this is when we figured out that we were like built different also it's like you go in you know you have your friends and you all think you drink hard but then you go to other places and you're like oh everybody kind of does a version of this but we went to gettysburg to visit my buddy tim and first thing was the sae keg race in their basement that's what we're doing and it was our boys against the frat and we destroyed that like

kegs that my buddy tim whose birthday it was did like a 95 second keg stand to start the whole thing then disappeared till the end of the race we found him later in a scarface pile of coke up in a room just squirrely eyed looking like a lunatic and we all were just like ripping beers taking stands funneling and then just vomiting into the garbage. We were true competitors, and we destroyed these kids. Some people are different. I feel like our whole area was early and often, and bars, parties. What is that?

It's like Irish to the Bronx to the suburbs. Some sort of passed along, like, numb your feelings. Alcoholism. Get after it. Did you ever come down to Westchester at all? Mostly Rockland. I went to, like, Manhattan College sometimes to go to some parties there, but not really. The police station was across the street from the bars, and we were all underage.

It's like Amsterdam in a wire. There's just some agreement. We can do this. So by the time we were like 21 or in college or whatever, it was like, I don't know. I recommend that. Well, because I hit it in college. So I am a classic late asshole that showed up,

jumped out of the car, and hit it running. Drinking Coke coke everything within like months of me doing anything whereas like my friends who had been drinking since eighth grade are like sitting there with a manhattan at a party like just being completely reasonable adults yeah yeah exactly i i it's it is a fine line though like because i think also being like i want it i want it to happen under my roof, parents. Yes. Also, it's a fucking disaster, too. You can't be those parents anymore. Yeah.

Those parents were hugely important for my survival. So what do you do then? What is the move now? I do want my kids, my son, to drink a little before. But how do you do it without? I mean, I guess you can have it with just the kid. You can't have a party, though. No, you can't. Because party though someone's gonna fucking die

the amount of times wrong guest again to bring it up no no that was great the amount of times that like I had friends fall and hit their head or someone got hit by a car or fall on the stairs and thank god we were okay

but in a lot of cases it's not this shit is fucking scary yeah not only did we not learn from our dead friends we pushed it to the limit after that like i remember when one of my friends passed away we all i flew home from college all of my friends came home and we then partied at his home like booted his mom his grieving mother out of her own house and we're doing zanny bars fucking blow drinking we're making like a seven foot snow sculpture of a cock in his backyard veins and all and like forgetting why we were even there like having a good time people do the drug and then i turned and like you know my friend who had like just heard the news and it was on vacation had no phone or whatever,

he's just hysterical, crying, walking into the house, seeing all of us for the first time. And I'm like, oh, that's right. Our friend's dead. That's right. This is a sad dick. This should be a lot softer. Should be like a four foot. With a Dr. Seuss tilt. They really are the best parties though

if I can recommend to everyone listening have a friend die you're gonna have the best party oh you mean specifically a young tragic death oh god the fucking funeral's a party I did my first stand up at that party first stand up in the basement of my friend Tim's house

his brother had just passed and I had sex with a girl in her car right after. No heat. It's like sub-zero in February. Wow, good for you and your dick. Nope. I'm pushing. I was going to say.

Pushing absolute soft rope into this poor young lady. Old and drunk and depressed. And zannied. Zanny barred the fuck up. Dude, we were trying. That's just a fully soft penis that you're thumbing at. Yeah, yeah. It was purely for the story.

Like, look, comedy got me laid already. And that's the only time because I wasn't even doing comedy. I was just like, I just had been thinking about it and writing ideas. And that's the only time I got laid from comedy because I've been with my wife since I started. Really? Yeah, yeah. So what a waste. Yeah. I do feel like it is one of the absolute, it's,

there's a lot of girls who will fuck you for comedy. I feel like that's what I'm hearing. I have, I have potentially the worst female fan base of all time because they really respect my wife. They really respect me.

They have no interest in sending me nudes. They're like, dude, we love what you're putting out there. Keep being a great guy. When I hear of or see or whatever of like either how certain people look or what their act is like and they're getting laid, it's like, well, what's it like for a fucking frog? I don't know. It's so weird that like he's just doing everything sure is sure is kevin every every week he's just

out there and it's just like no acknowledgement of new new accusations but it's like yeah keep it pushing if there's anything we learned is like you know trump taught the whole world that just be like nope yeah i'm just gonna keep doing it see i think he should again lean into it man just tour high school auditorium that's what you do you do assembly day and that's your whole gig i i almost well i don't want to get into it but it's just like you know if you're him it's like i don't know i'm just gonna try to keep doing this right the other people around sometimes i'm like yeah yeah yeah you don't you don't be like so i i would i don't even i don't even pretend to know what's going on in his house but it can't be pretty it can't be if i know women or wives in general that's what i'm thinking i'm like how yeah how is this working do you

understand my wife what got livid at me this morning because she doesn't have anything to wear to my show could you imagine if i was accused of banging a junior in high school like that's what i mean it's like like the regular life regular world versus what sometimes goes on. I guess it depends on the woman, the money. Definitely the money. I like how he got accused of it a lot.

Accused of it a lot. And then was like, oh, did you guys think I was going to stop? That doesn't matter. And I don't even mean doing comedy. I mean fucking children. I'm going to keep doing it I don't even mean doing comedy. I mean fucking children. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Sounds like that stuff.

No, I'm going to keep doing it. Very much at it. I'm going to keep doing it. Couldn't even take a break. Couldn't even take a break. That's why you know it's like... This is a sickness. This is a weird thing. Yeah, there's something going on, buddy.

Also, kind of, again, affirming towards the Hollywood elite, you know, Illuminati thing where it's like, oh, man, rich families, powerful families do some real weird shit and act like it's normal from like a big time family i guess his father and i'm not all that familiar but his father's like a big time producer right right because i was thinking like he's not like that big i guess if you come from the behind the scenes type money no and it also showcases how much money levels up your face because he looks like master splinter he is like one of the physically most unattractive people i've ever seen but women love it love it it's weird that was confused like when i first heard like how how he's like the hot comedian and i was like

okay yeah if you girls say so yeah i mean you know i get it he's an adult that says lit i get it i get why the kids love them it's gotta be well anyway um dude selling basically sold out the the grammar hopefully yeah pushing the last few seats yeah uh so if you guys want to go it's uh friday saturday saturday february 25th yeah last cut by the handicap seats like i said yeah they're awesome seats and again like i, if there are 16 people in wheelchairs that want to come see me perform, I will place you on stage with me. I will truly do that. That would be awesome.

Instead of Ari's candles, it's just me with people in fucking wheelchairs. That would be a blessing. I would love an abnormal amount of handicap people to show up in my show. You know what? This is great. If you're handicapped and listening, I'll give you a free ticket. Yeah, how about that? I will give it.

Truly. Reach out. Tickets on us. Yeah. We'll wheel you up a fucking ramp. 100%. We'll put you on stage. You'll be my stool.

I'll put my notes and water in your lap. You won't feel a thing. She came to our show in Phoenix. Super hot chick. In a wheelchair. All tatted up. one of our biggest fans. I'm like, if there's any more of this, sure. Well, you've got to love women like that, because anal is on the table.

They're not feeling a goddamn thing. That's when I discovered I had a fetish. Ooh, I like this a little too much. I used to have a neighbor named amy and she was uh full paraplegic from the waist down and you know she was cool as shit she was one of my mom's best friends and she would let us just tee off on her legs every once in a while like just let us like lick our hands and fucking slap the shit out of her calves and she's like, nothing. Like, nothing. Just staring us in the face. Like fucking Mr. Deeds style.

Here comes the black foot! Yo, you got some of the wildest stories I've heard. That might be the wildest. You got deaths and parties and all sorts of crazy shit. Teeing off on the crippled girl's legs is fucking nuts.

I was probably like six like i was i was young but no the older kids the older kids though were like 10 to teenage like because i i grew up in a in a neighborhood of all in fort montgomery she she was probably in her 20s at that time and you were six and i was six yeah light me up but she yes sounds This sounds like an assault. Sheik, let me be the one with the fetish. I got something else for you right after this. She's got a spank bag of a six-year-old whacking her legs. She also said my friend Ryan took a wiffle ball bat to it, and that was where we officially tapped out.

We're like, all right, this is kind of like we're hitting somebody. She's probably hoping, God willing, maybe one day I feel something. Yeah. We just jolt her into being like, I'm alive! That is wild. That still can't be good for the body. I would guess no. The slap, you're probably okay. I mean, it's not

good for her, but the bat, you're probably starting to get into dangerous territory. I think it's just like, the optics of it. And it still left a welt like it's still your body's still responding yeah she just wasn't it just didn't reach her brain pop all right what do you got next so that i i told schultz this and this fucked him up but when i was in kindergarten i used to uh massage my teacher's feet like during story time and she

was like a hot 23 24 year old teacher that like i don't know this is kind of like giving a dog a pork ear or something like maybe i was that much of a maniac but she used to stick her like black stocking little tootie right in my lap and i used to just go to town with a rock and bone and i was five years old just fucking dizzy trying to like you know make her feel good no No way. Yeah, dude. Yeah. That tops your story. That one, yeah.

He's been massaged by teachers. No shit. Molested by girls and shit. At least you were getting one. Do you think that you, were you like an off-the-walls kid and maybe that stopped you? Was she into it or was she like, the only way I can stop fucking Mike from pulling hair and shitting on the floor is if I stick my foot in his face?

I wasn't that crazy, so I guess there was part of her that was like, oh, this is nice. He's showing me love. And other kids started joining in. Did your parents know? This is how I've found out that it's fucked up. This has been a thing we've talked about openly in my family as like isn't that funny like just massaging the teacher's feet

like that's crazy wacky and then i started talking about it on stage we're attempting to and people are like okay buddy you have been molested but cool cool good for you that's when you find the truth out about yourself yeah i think like what if if your kid came home and said that today you'd be like that killer right yeah yeah fucking absolute that is wild dude i wish i was thinking right now like my kids teachers coming home yeah it's just a different time i I don't know. Keegan was just massaging toes. That's how old Keegan is. Yeah. That would be nuts. That was 1990.

Like, 89, 90. So I was kindergarten. Five years old. Again, greatest generation. You could massage your teacher's toes. Did your parents know about it in the moment? And they were just like, whatever, dude. My mom was like, you do that? Massage my feet. And then I did. I literally massaged my mom's feet

now did they realize now that it's weird um no no nobody nobody thinks anything is weird i guess so nobody even thinks the fact that they beat me is weird so i don't think they're gonna be like oh that teacher she really took advantage my dad anytime i'm like remember when you kick the shit out of me he's like revisionist history like i have a bit i in my in my first hour where like the bit is it's the last time my mom hit me and i do remember it because i was like i was a teenager i was 15 years old and i was walking up the steps and my mom is screaming at me or whatever and i just turn around and she goes to hit me and i like caught her hand i caught her turn around and she goes to hit me. And I like caught her hand. I caught her other hand. Cause she went to hit me.

And I just like, I like threw her hands off. And I was like, what, like what the fuck's up? And she screamed for my dad. She goes, Kevin,

Michael just tried to throw me down the stairs. Like just lied about what I tried to do. I was just blocking her from assaulting me. And so I hear my dad just like a, like the boulder and Raiders of the lost art. Yeah. Just like rumbling up to set and so the bit is that like he did he ended up stepping on my masturbation towel while he was

like running into my room and like snapped underneath his feet it's like totally disgusting never brought up some perverted kevin mcallister shit he said micro machines put his cum towel where was that movie trap that was like that was home alone like three would have been old enough to be like

dude that is the remake right there adolescence home alone R rated just jizz towels everywhere

it's like a tough mutter so the bit is that he like did it and then looked at it and dry heaved

and then walked out and I never got hit again the true story is that he looked at it dry heaved kicked the shit out did it and then looked at it and dry heaved and then walked out and I never got hit again. The true story is that he looked at it, dry heaved, kicked the shit out of me, and then I never got hit again. One last beat down. Yeah, yeah. Just one last one.

Put it on me. Your dad's like, well, the kid's old enough to start coming now. I guess I'll stop fighting him. Yeah. I was breaking towels left and right, man. I mean, not to get all deep with it, but I don't even consider even a spank for my kids. It's so crazy what was allowed. See, I know. I think I used to get hit on the ass and shit.

If I ever whacked my kid on the ass and they started crying, I would put a bullet in my head. Be like, oh my god, what have I done? What have I done? It's just very weird. My parents are always like yeah but you listened after didn't you and it's like yeah and now i need to be choked to come there's a lot of effects i love when they're like you know look what either to you and look how you turned out it's like yeah look how i turned mess. Just because I'm not in the gutter, like I have a paycheck or something? I'm okay? Like what? You know I have multiple mental disorders. I think about suicide all the time. Jesus Christ. I wouldn't even get to have a kid to hit, though, because I'd tell you what, I'd shake the shit out of a baby.

That I do. Yeah, that. There were moments where I was like, I'm not going to, but I get it. I get it. Totally. If I was poor, less educated, a little bit crazier, going through stress, being abused, I could just. If I was just tired. Just a little tired.

That little sleep sleep. If he didn't sleep through the, being abused. If I was just tired. Just a little tired. A little sleep sleep. Like if he didn't sleep through the night one time. But that also is part of it is that you are so exhausted that you're kind of on drugs. You don't know what's going on. You're fucking all over the place. So your brain is also like kind of traveling and making some, or at least my brain, you know, some pretty creative, violent thoughts.

When you hear those truly horrible stories, and a lot of times I think the defense is some sort of insanity or whatever, and it's probably a cop-out, but there also, I think, is some truth to it. Because it also doesn't make sense. I had this baby. I nurtured it all the other times. One time I decided to drown everybody. Clearly something happened you know but uh that i i remember reading the

only thing i tell people about like because i don't think you can give advice on parenting because i think it's all different you know but i was i always say like do get ready for the sleep thing yes they don't like yeah yeah you will that is a very true thing a lot of the other stuff is exaggerated uh but like you will not sleep and i remember reading i shouldn't have done it but i've read up on like what no sleep does to the body yeah and they were like this is clinically medically like the worst thing that you can do to your body like you can starve it you can go on without water you can do drugs and alcohol and whatever it's like that's all better than like not sleeping like it has lasting effects or just bad in the

moment like your body it just like shuts down it's just like we cannot continue to go on at this rate i've felt like momentary psychosis from just pure lack of sleep and just like that's the only time i snap on anybody is when i'm like truly at wit's end and my body doesn't know what else to do right it's like a it's like a fight or flight thing just because you're fucking... Just because a little kid's screaming for... That was day four in Gettysburg. After Steve and Lynch, we're just like, we gotta go.

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3chi.com and use promo code KFC15 to take 15% off your order. Must be 21 or older to purchase. Please use responsibly but uh but the grammar c dude is like i mean that's that's a big milestone i feel like yeah i went out like solo yeah just and you said it's not your special right it's not my special so i'm doing i i'm doing it as like you know this is the kickoff i have a new hour in a year which i've never done it that

fast yeah it's always kind of taken me close to 18 months to two years first one took me fucking nine years right so it's like but this one kind of came together pretty quickly thank god because from when i shot my last one last february to may i didn't even really write because i was in such a psychotic headspace of marketing promoting like trying to figure out the algorithm and getting into the weeds with that shit. And it's like, I, I couldn't write. So then once may happen and I kind of let go, it all like unkinked hose flew, flooded out of me. And it's kind of just,

it's been good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's cool. I, I actually, I opened,

I've done Gramercy before, but I opened for my brother-in-law's band when I was like 13 months into stand-up. Really? Yeah, and it was in front of like, you know, standing room, 500, 600 people, a ton of fucking people, and I was more or less like almost the N1 mixtape hype guy. Like, I was like, oh baby!

Like making fun of the band, like that shit. I think I had one awful joke because it was the day DJ AM died, and I was like, everybody, we lost a it was the day DJ AM died and I was like everybody we lost a brother in music DJ AM raise your glasses and people like ah and I'm like you know it's crazy he survives drug addiction he survives a plane crash and then he dies on the day Final Destination came out and people were like and it killed and I was like all right let's bring on me talk pretty and you know that's one of those Mandela effect things right that everybody thinks he died in the And it killed. And I was like, all right, let's bring on me. Talk pretty.

That's one of those Mandela effect things, right? That everybody thinks he died in the plane crash. Yeah. I guess so. Just now that he died in the plane crash. It was like eight months later or whatever. So they both survived it? They both did, yeah. That's what the story.

I thought for sure he died in that part. Right. The story feels like I always remembered some version of like survivor's guilt from him that he survived and his friends didn't. Yes. No. No, but that's right. It's that survivor's guilt from him that he survived and his friends didn't yes no no but that's right it's that survivor's guilt from addiction right because i guess that trauma brought him back to doing drugs but i mean those guys like punched their way out of a plane yeah like it was on fire and the the like account from that day is they truly like physically removed themselves while engulfed in flames from that plane.

Jesus Christ. That's crazy, man. That's alpha. Did everybody survive? I don't think so. I don't know. I think those two did. And they crashed and then just got out in the field or some shit?

Travis is like, I have a Kardashian to fuck. I got to get out of here. I knew I had to get out of here. He never boarded a plane. Never boarded a plane until they started dating again. He had not flown since his birthday gift or whatever. It was like a fucking

private jet. Remember that? I took a picture in front of him. It was like his jet. Oh my God. He had his face on it or something. And he was like, you know,

it was the first time I got back on a plane. I don't know if it's flame retardant. Every seat is filled with a fire extinguisher. They fly like 200 feet. It's the first plane they ever build out of the black box. We're going to do that. Yeah, that's Travis and the Chinese spy balloon.

Yo, this guy took a commuter car thing. What's it called? On the train where you had like the little, the little, Oh, it's called a roommate. The roommate.

Oh, no shit. Like Euro trip. It was. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Awesome.

I've always wanted to do it. Me too. Yeah. It was, it was really sick. Yeah. To DC. I feel like DC is like the only place you can do it to.

Yeah. Because everyone's just too close or too far. Like DC is the perfect amount of time that you do need like that space. And it's, I got it. I'm just going to go to DC just to do this. It's worth it. I want to go on a fun trip. It was really, really cool. I highly recommend it. But what about the toilet? I would not use that one.

But it didn't smell or anything? No. Because it's right there. When you close it, it's sealed or some shit. It's not sealed. It didn't smell. Even if those other Metro North's toilets are fucking disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this was fine. No shit.

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, I would just go piss. Because you're right next to the seat. Yeah, I would never use it. If I get a bump, I'm going to piss on the goddamn seat. But I'm like, did other people use it? And then do they clean it?

I think they must have cleaned it, yeah. Because the public ones are, you know, there's piss everywhere. Right. You flush it and there's just like that little drip of blue. That's they must have cleaned it. Because the public ones are, you know, there's piss everywhere. You flush it and there's that little drip of blue. That's not enough flush. There's a piece of shit in there. Makes you empathize with inmates. For real. Having to literally shit

in your home, like in where you spend all of your time. In the metal. Tink. You ever see those, was that the infrared thing of what happens when you flush and it's just a burst of shit water

into the air or a toothbrush in the case yeah it's just fecal matters like everywhere that's disgusting I've made it this far

I agree with that if the fecal matter on my toothbrush hasn't gotten me yet it's not gonna get me I'm also like I don't build the nest of on the seat like I'll just put my ass cheeks right down yeah yeah a raw dog but that's not gonna get i'm also like i don't i don't build the nest of on the seat like i'll just put

my ass cheeks right down yeah yeah but that's not to say it's not disgusting for sure i also think that whoever invented the toilet is probably like we put the fucking the second one there for a reason yeah just never use it you're probably supposed to close the whole fucking thing and then flush it and the world just doesn't do it. It's like, yeah, we know there's fecal matter everywhere. We put something in to stop that. You guys just don't. This is a horrible story that I'm about to say. Well, I think we've...

I used to coach soccer in Cadman Plaza Park in Brooklyn and they have this one big building for the bathrooms and the bathrooms are like, you know, steel. Those steel bathrooms that are unforgiving. There's barely a toilet seat to them and like there's no unless you want to grow a toenail on your ass cheek you're not putting your fucking ass on it so i did the i was like my wife hovers people hover and i went and i hovered and i didn't have a good enough squat position because it like clunked

halfway on the seat fucking broke off hit the back of my fucking pants and then just kind of rolled under the toilet most of it went in the toilet and then i just had to continue coaching all day with like just a dollop of shit on the back of my pants i wiped it as best as i could water the whole thing i don't think it smelled all that bad but it was how old you like four years ago five years ago. Yesterday? That's what, even if you wiped it off, like just knowing that it's there or some version of it's there, it's just like, I've got shit in my pants.

I'm giving poor kids pink eye. Did it hit the inside of your pants or the outside? No, the outside, which I think is actually a little bit worse in that situation. I think it's worse for society. Yeah. Better for you, though. It was up against your skin. It fell into your...

Because the squat, that's why the Asian squat is crazy. Those guys squat just straight up on the ground. I know. And they just shit perfectly. Why aren't there more Asian catchers in Major League Baseball? That's their natural hangout position. Their knees are fucking unbelievable. They smoke cigs on their face.

Rip them. Dude, when I went to Bali on my we watched we went to a cock fight and we were the only like our driver for the whole thing took us to this place out of the way place we're the only white people there like real betting true cock fight before uh before a ceremony so they're gonna eat them anyway so it's this whole thing everybody is in straight up catcher's position, ripping filterless luckies. Yeah, just cheering. They were waiting for my bet to bet the opposite because I was so bad at picking chickens. I lost like 14 trillion rubies or whatever the fuck.

They were just like, the white devil's here. Yeah. They ended up liking us because I was so graciously bad i was like yeah take my money who gives a shit i'm watching a fucking cockfight this is nuts i'm like give me a cigarette i haven't smoked in like six years you're trying to squat with them oh dude my my oshka slaughters are just fucking throbbing in my knee it's funny that you bring up the algorithm shit and we were talking about a little bit on text before you came here. And I don't know where I fall anymore because there was a time where I was like – we were like almost thinking about doing the podcast to come up with clips.

Yeah, yeah. Because that's what matters. And then I had a moment where I was like, wait a minute. What happens when they change the algorithm the next day? Let's just go back to making good shit and we'll make the clips good. And I don't know where to fall. It's got to be some sort of in between. Yeah.

It is like a healthy medium because I was telling you, I'm like, there's still a part of me that really romanticizes everything about comedy, the history of comedy, the one hour special, the body of work when all is said and done like i don't want my body of work to be tiktok i i really don't want to look back on my life and be like look at these fucking thousands of 30 second clips that did kind of well right you know what i mean yes but also like i don't know what what what would be the the comparable like when eddie murphy's doing it in the 80s where there are are guys from, like, the 50s and 60s, like, look at this guy on stage in a red jacket or whatever the fuck it was. It was different then, and it's like, we revere that. It just keeps evolving.

Well, and the Seinfeld thing of, like, the new hour. I don't understand the new hour. Do the act! And it's like, dude, the new hour is about developing and continuing to push your audience and getting new people each and every time. That Seinfeld TikTok account – or not TikTok. The AI account is one of my favorite stories.

Oh, yeah. I haven't seen that. So somebody wrote a – what's it called? Chat GPT script to make a perpetual episode of Seinfeld just constantly going. And within like two days, he was just doing like anti-trans jokes. They weren't even jokes it was just like it was like this bit we don't we're just like always on stage yeah and it's just like so we all agree trans is a mental illness right? It wasn't even a joke. So trans are animals right? And they were like close this account down it was like so funny for like one – It wasn't a joke. It was like a hate speech. So trans are animals, right? And they were like, well, close this account down.

It was like so funny for like one day and they were like, wow, you could just like tune in at any – It was a 20-hour day and it was like kind of a scripted episode and it was similar. It's back today. It's back? 14 days suspension on Twitch. 14 days suspension. So they probably went in there and wrote some fucking code or whatever. See, like that – But it's like – that's like those,

you know, if you give a, if you let a thousand monkeys type, you know, eventually do Shakespeare. It's like, yeah, let,

let a computer like run wild. What the hell that even means. But I disagree with it. I disagree too. I honestly think it would never happen. I don't think it would ever, ever fucking happen. I think you should turn a whole floor of this building into monkeys.

That's what I should do with this hundred million. Yeah. I have a bunch of monkeys and typewriters and let's find out. There's a 24-hour webcam and it's just like, tune in and see if the monkeys figured out Shakespeare yet. I don't think they fucking did. But it's really like, give a computer

sentient thoughts and he'll become a perverted asshole or a racist asshole. That does make you look a little side eye at jerry because if that's smart of an artificial intelligence pulls that from his personality it's like well what are you thinking under there the computer probably knows more about jerry i know jerry was doing some dirt back in the day oh yeah he loves high school He was driving a real nice car to pick up his girlfriend. It's just so crazy what used to get brushed under the rug.

But even that was on the front page of the Post. That was news, but people were like, look at this rich guy getting good puss. It really was, I think, when women were allowed to basically speak. It's like a good difference. Yeah, yeah. Because girls are probably always like, this is fucking weird, but whatever. And guys are like, yeah, fuck the girl.

And then eventually they got on the internet and they were like, let's all say this at the same time. This is fucking crazy. Isn't it weird? Yeah, women. Leo wants to shake that rumor. Shake that stigma he has. Like a fucking old chick? I saw a tweet where it's like, he's wondering how he can lose this. And Leo wants to shake that rumor. Shake that stigma he has. Fucking old check. I saw a tweet where it's like, he's wondering how he can lose this.

Stop fucking the 19-year-olds. That's not even going to do it. I know what'll do it. If he marries Kate Winslet. That's literally the only way. He can break the curse of the deal. Yeah, it's like, it's Titanic. This was meant to be.

He was just searching. That's what he was trying to find. Came back to his true love. Exactly. You know what really fucked me? There's all these metrics of age that fucked me up with his girlfriends. When I learned that Greta Thunberg is older than his girlfriend. No way.

I was like, yep, yep. No shit. Really? You're fucking a girl younger than Greta Thunberg. You're fucking a girl who's too young. Yeah. Here's the thing. In moderate defense.

Moderate. But people trashly, oh, I don't give a shit. and a girl who's too young yeah i do here's the thing in in moderate defense moderate because i you know but people trash leo all you want don't give a shit i don't know the guy but we are quick to celebrate share and madonna whenever they go to a south american orphanage and pick up a new boyfriend like what are we talking about here and what is legal and what's not like what's the point of also you know like it's just he's not a normal person oh so like your age and my age and his age are not the same same thing with like the well it's a dicey road to go down but it's like the kardashians are not normal fucking 18 year old girls they were like full-blown professional adults by the time they were like fucking 15 years old so it's like when

i go have sex with them no but if they want to have an adult relationship with another celebrity yeah that's like yeah that's their world like why doesn't chris jenner get more shit for positioning not even kim or any of them but the younger daughters as sex symbols really early in their life like they were dangling that like well-ccooked meat in front of the camera being like, look at our children. Remember the countdown to Kylie turning 18? Oh, that was Kylie? There was a Miley one. There was a Miley one.

There was the Olsen twins. There was all that. And it's like, when I was that age, it was like funny and cool and shit like that. But now, yeah, as an adult dude, you're kind of like, ugh. Countdown to the day that I could legally fuck that girl? Dude, did you see there was like a youth pastor yeah uh finally 18 yeah yeah i wasn't sure that went viral or not because i just saw yesterday it's a youth pastor like and he put a picture of him and his girlfriend and put it just said finally 18 yeah the one eight balloon oh and he

said like finally finally 18 and like the last four years have been like the greatest greatest friendship of my life. Oh. Yeah, yeah. I think they're married now or whatever. Burn the church to the ground. I fucking can't stand it. Bro, I can't stand the fucking church, man.

It's unreal. I can't stand it. I want to blow the whole – I'm going to blow up the Vatican. Blow up the fucking Vatican. Which camera? I'm blowing up the fucking Vatican, man. I can't do the church anymore. Yeah, that's right.

February 25th, Gramercy Theater in New York City. I'm dragging everybody down. The check cleared. I'm going. Let's go. Man, I just can't do it, though. It's like everything we've been talking about where it's like all these fucked up things that people are just like, I don't know. And the church just keeps getting away with it. Did you see the Mormon church?

Just got busted by the SEC for hiding $32 billion in assets. And the fine was $5 million. Oh. How old is that? The fine should be $32 billion. It should be $33.

Yeah, that's what it should be. It's crazy. I mean, just the general idea that they don't pay tax. This isn't a hot take, but the no tax paying is insane. They made it all up. Well, it's a law. It's like, well, they made up the fucking law when they were lawmen. It's all so nuts.

They could sell like three rubies and feed the poor. It's insane. Even the not terrible shit about the church i don't like you know like the regular stuff is weird yeah and the bad stuff is horrific yeah so where's the good right right where's the fucking good the good is in the in the community and the people feeling like a sense of of you know like i've had friends that have been down dark paths that have found religion and religion was legitimately their salvation i'm not talking about god i'm talking about this thing that they then bought into that they can

count on right and it saved their life but yeah and when you get into the weeds with it it's just like like i have buddies who are still signing their kids up to be altar boys and it's like why don't you just hand them a gift bag and say, have at my son's asshole. Like, what are you doing? Do you not read? Do you not read a single thing? That priest is going to have that kid massaging his feet. Well played, sir.

Well played. Well played, man. That's fucking great. Well, anyway, I think that's a perfect note to end on right there. So this is not the special. No. But is there a special coming? I hope so, yeah.

By the end of the year, I'll be filming something. Yeah, because I think in general the idea of the special is I think it's become too much of a thing. Sure. You have to do it. It has to be an hour. It's got to be at this place. I got to film it this way. And I think there is some level of like,

you know what I've realized is like, I love certain comics, but I do always remember like one or two jokes that I love about those comics. Sure. And I think that's where the clips come in. Yeah, yeah. Because if you see a clip, it's like, I love everything Nate Bargatze does, but I think

about the horse bit that he did. That always sticks in my mind. Yeah. Even with Portnoy, when I was reading Barstool, a single blog that he wrote always sticks in my head. Right. And that's where it's like, the hour is great, but in order to get fans and grow and make money and all that, it's really just about getting that one video where people go like,

that's exactly what I do too. And that's where, if you put a lot of good clips out and you don't do it in a way where you're spamming and shit, but it does, there's a 30 second clip where someone goes like, that's what I'm fucking. I always thought that,

you know, that's why I'm trying to ingrate. I'm trying to incorporate both because I'm not, not modernizing myself. Like I refuse to be the old guy that is like, it's an hour or nothing. I do love Louie was like, yeah, but that is like, it's an hour or nothing. I do love, Louis was like about that. It's like, well, you're

fucking Louis C.K. You don't have to be on any of this shit. You're totally good. But the rest of us... I like the combination of both, like we were talking about where it's like, hey, put out my full piece. I have this library of work. And then everything out is almost like

the Cloverfield Monsters where you get to send it out and try to accumulate as many fans as you can and then they come back and they see the new shit which is why I love turning over material it's my favorite thing to do writing new bits is the best part of comedy because if you just keep doing the same

fucking thing for 10-15 years like the people before us it's like you might as well have an office job it's the same mundane bullshit as anything else you become numb to it it's not fun so like that the struggle of coming up with new shit and trying to you know yeah piece it together is the best part of comedy in my opinion so a few tickets left but if you want to go get them um saturday night and then uh be on the lookout for the special appreciate you guys i am mike cannon on all on all social yes for the special. Appreciate you guys. And I am Mike Cannon

on all social. Yes, sir. Thank you, bro. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Who are you talking about? Michael B. Jordan was in here and he wouldn't see children

or people he loved during Black Panther because he wanted to shut himself off from love to play Killmonger. Shut up. I know, it's annoying. Actors, just fucking act.

That shit is so stupid. It's a lot. Anthony Hopkins has the best line ever where he goes, have you tried acting?ors, just fucking act. That shit is so stupid. Anthony Hopkins has the best line ever. He goes, have you tried acting? No, no, no. It's March Livier. Oh, yeah. But Anthony Hopkins was like. If you're a good actor, you don't need to do all that.

You can just do it. It's why we were talking about when you walked in that Brian Cox from Succession, how Jeremy Strong is the same way, where he's like, he's going to burn out. Which one is that? Kendall. Yeah. He's great. But yeah, it's the same way. He's like, he's going to burn out. Which one is that? Kendall. Yeah. He's great. But yeah, it's one of those things where you hear an actor talk about this shit.

There's coal miners. Right. Who gives a fuck? And you're also in a comic book movie, man. I know. I know it's an intense part, but we're not talking about Schindler's List here, dude. It's still a popcorn movie. The Jeremy Strong interview. Jeremy Strong says,

I've never met Brian Cox. Shut the fuck up. He's like, Kendall Roy's met Brian Cox. I haven't. I don't really know Brian Cox. I do love him on that show. He's great, but so is the other ten people on the show who don't do all that shit. Who just show up

and they go, hey, how you doing? Oh, act? Thank God this guy got a role. He's just that guy. Yeah. other 10 people on the show who don't do all that shit, who just show up and they go like, hey, how you doing? Oh, act? Okay, act. You just thank God this guy got a role because he's just that guy. Yeah. So annoying. You know what I watched recently? Are we on the air right now? Are we on the air?

Yeah, fuck it. Let's go. I watched The Judge with Robert Downey Jr., which is a great movie. It's not a great movie, but it's a good movie. And Jeremy Strong plays his retarded brother. And he's like, there you go. mean hey listen the guy gets results that's the one where he just showed up and like weeped in the background yeah yeah exactly he wasn't supposed to be there but he took it so seriously that's why i'm like just thank god he made it yeah like that would have been the most

annoying dude in the world exactly if that's just like you're the guy in your friend group like yeah that's really like the only reason you are tolerable dude is because we like your show otherwise you straight up suck i actually saw him once i actually i had like gone to the cellar and i was like right on the corner mcdougall street and he was there and he was the most depressing looking person of all time and I actually just watched him because like Fat Black Pussycat was like loading in a new show and I was like

I wonder if anyone's going to recognize this guy and he walked by the whole thing nothing no not once that is what I like about New York it's kind of a great equalizer where like Succession is

probably you know a top three five show in the world right now and like is it? not in terms of ratings well no

yeah you're probably right it's top three in terms of like how good it is. Yeah, quality. But, you know, when you're on a Sunday night HBO show. That's some coastal elite shit. You think people in Toledo are like, we got to watch Succession. You know, I wonder.

I almost think they have a Mormon fetish for it. Like, the billionaires on the East Coast look how they live. The way we like Yellowstone. Yes. Look at them with those. Exactly. With that cattle. You almost couldn't even come up with that word.

Look at him with those cows and those horses. I gave up on it. The daughter's unhinged. It got to a point where I was like, so she's the drunkest and the smartest in the room? That's not a real person. She also can take a superhero beating. The whole family survived a bomb or a machine gun attack. Oh, I skipped that before the bomb happened.

It was a coordinated attack on the family. Spoiler alert. Beth gets blown up and Casey gets shot. Kevin Costner gets gunned down with an AR-15 and left in one of the middle of those roads where there's like nobody and like help doesn't come for like you know 20 hours and he just lives season 5 they're going against Thanos

it's a bit much it started out great and then Taylor Sheridan is another guy who I feel like is probably insufferable to be around because every single thing he does now is regarded as like he's this like you know modern day cowboy and this amazing because he wrote himself in as the you don't get to write yourself in as the best cowboy that's like when brad pitt put himself

in 12 years a slave as the guy who saves the slave you just cast yourself as the hero white that kind of helps you a little bit. There's a hell of a move in this climate. Yeah, and the fact that Taylor Sheridan, and look, he's written some great shit, but at the same time, he just shows up. Those scenes are too long when he's doing tricks. I don't care.

Yeah. I'm like, when the horses are spinning around, I'm like, get back to the fucking wheeling and dealing and the politics. So there's Yellowstone. Then they're doing four sixes. They did 1923, 1893. I heard they're going to do one in the 40s and the 60s.

Shut up. That's the same show. It's not even far enough apart to be a different generation. It's the same people. It's the same family. And there was another one oh and then he just did

the Stallone thing Tulsa King and the mayor of Kingstown or whatever so he had like eight projects six of which

were basically the same fucking show wow I think he owns Paramount Plus if he doesn't own it he gets like 90% of the revenue

I want a fucking succession extended universe I want like an 80s on Coke. Give me all of that. Yeah, give me the Brian Cox origin story. Give me like, you know, let's do every generation. That would be pretty cool, actually.

I need a Tom Wapskamp fucking movie like right now. What's that? He's the best. What's his name? Tom Wapskamp? I can't say his name. Greg the Egg and Tom. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I want to see him all the time, you know? British guy. He's British? Yep, one of the new ones. They're all foreign. Dude, they're all... They're taking our jobs. He's motherfuckers!

I actually read an article about that once. It was like, why can other people do accents and Americans can't do other accents? Because we're fucking awesome. It was like... Same reason we don't learn another language. We don't give a shit. Same reason we use Kijin can't do other accents. Because we're fucking awesome. It's the same reason we don't learn another language. We don't give a shit. Fuck your other thing.

We're better here. Have you guys been to the moon? Not in senior high school. Although, have you seen The Crown? You got John Lithgow as Churchill. Oh, shit. That's the only fucking one. I know, but it was nice to see it go the other way.

What was their reasoning, though? It was just to be a movie star, you have to be American. Yeah, fuck it. was nice to see it go the other way. what was their reasoning, though? It was just, to be a movie star, you have to be American. Yeah, yeah, fucking. You have to be able to do American movies.

it's like, why don't, why don't, you know, we, like, you don't, you don't take a step back,

you don't step down. Yeah. You can do the West End. If you want to come to Hollywood, learn how to do the West End. fuck that. The, I will say,

though, they have Costner to play John Dutton. Yeah. They got Harrison Ford to play in the other one, and now, Costner's stepping away Dutton. They got Harrison Ford to play the other one. And now Costner is stepping away and McConaughey is stepping in. Wait, how is that happening?

So basically like – They're going to kill him off? Yeah, either kill him off or I'm assuming kill him off because they – He's got to get a Scarface death at this point. He has to. He has to get like literally exploded. You can't get shot by an AR-15 and then die of food poisoning or something. Right, right. Shop by an hour 15 and then die of food poisoning or something. Right. So his contract initially said you have to shoot for 65 days out of the year.

Then it became a hit, and he was like, I'm only doing 50. And then this latest season, he said, I'll only shoot for a week. What? And they were like, all right, we can't do this anymore. So he basically like – I'll give you guys an hour on Tuesday. Yeah, basically. I think that was his way of quitting without quitting.

It's like I'm going to make you fire me. Yeah, make it your fault. So he's going to like die or whatever, and then McConaughey is going to come in as another Dutton or I don't know what else. Like who fucking knows. He's pretty cool though. They get, you know, if you get Ford, if you get Harrison Ford,

Kevin Costner, and Matthew McConaughey all in the same franchise. I mean, yeah, like Tim McGraw, Faith Hill. franchise. And Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren, yeah. Tim McGraw, Faith Hill. Almost as impressive as Fast and Furious. That's the real family. That is. I feel like you would absolutely loathe those movies. I haven't seen any of them.

You haven't seen any of them? No, I haven't seen any of them. That's borderline un-American. Really? That is, you are a terrorist. Well, you just saw your first, right? No, no haven't seen any of them. That's borderline un-American. Really? That is, that you are a terrorist. Well, you just saw your first, right? No, no, no, no, no. I just, I've seen, like, I've seen the first three.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought five was the first one you watched. And I've seen, like, bits and pieces of pretty much all of them. Let me preface this by. I've watched the Hobbs and Shaw. I'm going to preface this with, I can't drive. That's right.

You are what I was doing. So cars don't really dazzle me. You need, like. I'm not a car guy either i'm a family guy you make a movie about a speed walker i'm fucking no i just need like a subway version you need like a like a pelham 123 one of my favorite movies of all time walter mathau that's a great that's like a dingy new york terrorist movie that's a great movie yeah you need like uh like fast and frequent stops is your version of the fucking –

I remember Joe List got so mad at me once because we did a road gig together. And he was like, well, split the driving. It was like 30 hours. We were like stopping. This was like 12 years ago, maybe more. And I was like, yeah, we'll split the driving. I have a license. I'm like, I could bullshit my way through a few hours of driving.

And then I get in the car and he's like, dude, what are you doing? You don't even know what to do. He quotes this of me all the time. At the time, I just said, I'm good going straight. The turns always get me. And he goes, the turns? I was like, I'm sorry. I'm bad at turns.

The turns get me. He was panicking and he needed to sleep. He was still drinking then. So that whole gig was a nightmare. i've told this story on other podcasts but he we were doing a gig in uh at a casino in milwaukee and i remember uh it was during the playoffs the brewers were in the playoffs against the cardinals and uh cheap trick the band hell yeah they were in the music room was under construction the casino so cheap trick was in the comedy club. And we were then pushed to the bar where they wouldn't turn off the game because it was the playoffs. Oh, forget it.

So List just goes on before me and he's just like, you know, he's bombing because they're not listening to him. I wouldn't even try. I'd be like, let's watch the game together, guys. We were switched who would get to go on. And there's another thing about the gig that pissed List off. He'd been doing comedy longer than me and we were billed as co-headliners. But for some reason, my poster was huge, and he was like this big next to me,

and he was like, I fucking hate you. So he was already in a bad mood. He's up there going on, and it's not going well, but he's killing me because List bombing is hilarious, so I'm dying laughing because he still has witty shit that he's saying, but at one point he goes, he goes, oh, fuck the Cardinal. Fuck the Brewers.

I'm glad you're getting your asses kicked. And they start like booing. It's getting bad. And then he goes, fuck the Cardinals. Fuck the Brewers. I'm glad you're getting your asses kicked. And they start booing. It's getting bad. And then he goes, all right, you guys ready for Sam Morrell? And they're like, boo. I'm like, oh, fuck. So I had to follow that. And I just see him in the corner with a beer, like smiling.

Thank you. Whatever. I mean, it was a funny. And then we watched Cheap Trick in the other room. So then he's hung over his shit and has to drive the whole way because you don't know how to operate a car? He drove me home in a blackout. I didn't know he did that. From the casino.

He's down... It was one of those things where he was down at the tables a lot. And we weren't getting paid that much, but he was down and he came over and he's like, how are you doing?

And I was like, I broke even in my head. I'm like, I want a couple hundred. You know what I'm saying? But he goes, all right, let's get out of here. I'll drive us back.

And he drove us back and he was a get out of here. I'll drive us back. And he drove us back. And he was a good blackout driver. I didn't know. He also could hide his alcoholism. The turns, yeah. I saw him drinking, but I was like, you're good, right? And he was like, yeah, I'm good. And I mean, good, drunk, sober.

Like, we all have different definitions of this. But he goes, I'm good. He drives us home or to the hotel. And it was fine. He was a better black guy I've had guys the next day be like who drove home last night

and I was like fucking you dude no I was pissed the next day he goes how did we get back and I said are you kidding me

I had a buddy that's a question you never ask if you don't know there's a chance it might have been me it was one of those weird gigs

where we were getting paid shit but we were in the Milwaukee Athletic Club which which was a sweet hotel. It was also, you know when you're a young comic, you joke around with people. You'll say, oh, does your room have a hot tub? And you're like, yeah, very funny. And then he did that, and I was like, yeah, dude, come on.

You're making that joke. And I go to his room. He has a fucking hot tub? He was in the presidential suite. And I was like, thank God he got this shit, because if I had that and the bigger poster, he never would have talked to me again. He was already so fucking mad at me from that whole week i i had a buddy once uh he came he came to my place in hoboken like fresh out of college blacked out all weekend they need to drive back to philly and he made he he'd my

one friend didn't drink the other guy was hammered all weekend Was pretty much hammered drunk That same guy also forgot his glasses And my one buddy was like I'm too tired to drive dude You gotta do it And he was like I'm drunk and I can't see And he was like I just don't want to do it man And I watched those guys drive off together

And I was just like I don't know how this is going to work I remember being like well they're either dying or going to jail I don't know how this one works But he was content. Yeah, they made it fine. You drunk drive in Manhattan. You're a psycho. I can drive in New York City.

I can't drive anywhere. Like, New York, it's like there's lights. I can kind of obey. I think I got a handle on it. That makes sense. A lot of turns, though. Yeah, the turns get me. It's 90 degree turns.

The turns do get me. We just go all the way down and around. You know what my grandfather used to do Which is the most gangster move ever I thought He was an alcoholic And he used to just drive around with O'Doul's And he'd have it hanging out the window Just fucking crushing O'Doul's

Come and get me He's like it's not alcoholic It's like.07 or whatever the fuck it is But he would just have like Cans of crushed O'Doul's in the backseat of his car. You're just making everyone around you nervous. You see a guy just pounding that? The most alcoholic shit of all time.

Just like Crusto Duels. I need a beer in my hand all the time. I always thought of that scene in the scene of a woman when Al Pacino is just blind driving, and it's like set up as this cute scene, but I'm like, that's fucking... What if he just killed like, killed, like, a fucking woman with a stroller?

That's a different movie. That could have happened. But it's like, this is fun. He's a free spirit. I was just looking at this before I came in here. Have you seen these chicks? No. These prison baddies are going viral.

What is it? These are just chicks in prison who just posted this picture looking all hot, and they're just going viral as these fucking super hot convicts. Dude, OnlyFans by 6 p.m. tonight. Right? I wonder. I don't know how.

I don't get exactly. I've known this for a while now. Prisoners, people in jail doing TikToks, and they clearly have phones. I don't get what that means they're just because then jail's not that right if i can just fucking if i can't if if i if you promise not to rape and beat me and you give me my phone i can do oh and i understand those are two big caveats you got to get a good lawyer for that your honor you got to promise not to rape my client here you can't get very... Very rapable. No, it's...

But I mean... I used to have a joke about like prison... They have prison dating sites and I remember like, you know, they had like real profiles where like, you know,

at first we were making fun of it but then you're like, some of these chicks are pretty hot. Yeah. These chicks would rip your dick right off. But the profiles would say

like, I love the outdoors and I was like, I bet you do. Bet you do like the outdoors. We all love what we can. Yeah, but no, I bet you do. I bet you do like the outdoors. We all love what we can't have. Yeah, but no, they do have rights, I guess. I mean, I don't know how many rights. Rights is one thing, but I guess you trade cigarettes for a cell phone or some shit.

But then these guys go viral on TikTok, and there's not some correctional officer being like, Hey, your account has 10 million followers. What the fuck is going on? I know nothing about prison. I also have that dumb fantasy where I think, you ever think as a guy, if I went to prison, I would get fucking shredded? Always.

But then I think about it, I'm like, I have access to a gym. I have access to good equipment. You have access to everything else, too. It's the lack. You have access to Netflix. There's nothing else to do. I know, but I think what would happen is

I would day one I would like day one pull my neck on one of the bad devices and then just be like the dude they attack. I don't think I would get, I would definitely not get shredded.

I always think of like I would read every book and I would do push-ups all day long. I would do none of those things. I wouldn't, I would be the coolest guy though.

I've long said I would crush prison. Really? I think you would be hated in prison. I don crush prison really i think you would be i just be like i don't know i think there'd be guys being like yo shut the fuck up is that annoying ass laugh happening again down the hallway around yo shut that white boy up i've never heard someone say i'm gonna crush prison yeah oh dude i think i would i we actually have um wallow who works for us he went to prison for 16 years.

Wow. He's always said it. For what? He was like, it's armed robbery. Armed robbery. He's fully reformed now, but he was like, yeah, it's not that bad. My first question, I was like, would I have to become a white supremacist? He's like, no, dude.

No one's a white supremacist. Then I'd do great. Then I'd be unbelievable. I think they would be furious. They'd figure out I was a Jew after a while. They'd be like, you got to get out. I got no protection. You're killing me.

There needs to be the Jew sect. It's like you and Joe List guys. Just a bunch of financial wizards. You just go like, what are you in here for?

A Ponzi scheme? Another one? Jesus Christ, we gotta get some muscle in here. This is brutal. You do all their taxes. You help them out.

I have a guy who does my taxes. I don't do my taxes. I'm very unskilled. What would you, if you weren't a comic, what would you be? I don't fucking know. You got nothing. I got nothing.

You got nothing. I'm worthless, dude. But that's like anybody, man. Oh, yeah. What would you guys be? Landscaper. Really? Yeah, you would work.

Manual labor. For sure. With my Yeah, you would work... Manual labor. For sure. With my physique, it's not even a question. It would not even be a possibility. I mean, I remember doing a couple moving gigs and being like, I'm going to break down. Oh, that's crazy. Moving is nuts, man. I've bulged discs in my neck and stuff.

I'd be shot, man. You'd be in some other sports journalism type thing. I guess so, but I don't think I would have succeeded at it. Actually, I would have landscaped for like six weeks and then I'd get fired. Because I can't have anything that has to be up in the morning. Done. I'm going to get fired. I'll move you at night.

We're the movers that show up at 10 p.m. This morning, actually, we had a ton of texts at like 8 a.m. I went to bed at like 8 p.m. last night. And at 8 a.m. my phone started going nuts. I was like, you goddamn motherfuckers. Leave me alone. I'm sleeping still. I had a full 12 hours last night.

That's a lot of sleep. I don't get sleep because there's always construction. Do you guys just always deal with construction? I mean, I'm up in the burbs of the city a little bit. But yeah, I mean, when you're in the city, it's nothing. There's always some shit. What part of town are you in i'm downtown now yeah so i mean but it's you at least get a little bit like after hours right like at night they can't do it but that's why the construction takes forever in new york because they get like you get nine to five they

take like a two-hour lunch break they do actual work for like 45 minutes yeah so it just goes if you're in the woods you just it, the construction's done in like two days because they're just working the whole time. Because there's always noise. Once you get out of the city, you can always constantly hear a lawnmower. At all times. There's always a leaf blower, a lawnmower. That's not a horrible sound.

No, it's not so bad. It's a drone. It's just like a... There's worse sounds. Like just a... Jackhammers are insane there's no white noise jackhammer I lived on second avenue when they were building the subway for like forever and it was

just a constant jackhammer that I was like I you can't possibly still be jackhammering there's just no road left to jack when the noise cancelling headphones don't work that's when that's we had that we had an incident on the flight where you know a million bad flying stories obviously but like we come back from salt lake and a woman next to veder had a i bring gary veder on the road and she just had a full-on panic attack where like it was bad turbulence

but like you can't be the person who's like ah that's insane. Have some self-respect. That's how you want to die? You need to have a nose-dive drop in altitude for you to scream. That would be my problem. If it's shaking, but it's still horizontal,

I think you can scream if the gas masks come down. I would definitely yell. I'd be like, or a quick descent. We flew to like, what the fuck is this? Or like a quick descent. We flew to Rochester, and it's so weird. I saw Jim Norton the night before, and he goes, you're going to fly to Rochester? And I said, yeah, it's like a 40-minute flight.

And he goes, I hate those fucking shaky planes. And it's so weird he said that, because the next day, I'm next. We had this weird thing where I'm with Gary, the woman sitting next to him. We were supposed to be sitting together, but took his seat and it was like we just i'm gonna get the 40 minute flight who gives a shit yeah so but she was kind of a piece of shit about it where she was like i'm sitting here and gary's like looked at his ticket he's like whatever yeah so we do that thing we're landing in rochester and it's shaking so bad that i was i just i turn around i look at gary and he's like we're gonna crash we're dead and it's one of bad that I was I just I turn around I look at Gary and he's like we're dead and

it's one of the things we were looking for someone for anything he just gave me like a he's like and he looks it sucks when you see your friend look scared yeah because you're looking and then you even look at the uh flight attendant for reassurance the flight attendant was like this and I was like oh you see him doing this yeah so we were freaking out and then going down going down I was like we're gonna crash

takes back off midair and I was like you fucking top gunned it you top gunned it on a commercial flight so goes back up

and we're just like is this like a German wing situation is he just gonna like go higher and just drop I mean we're fucking dead

and the woman next to Gary starts going ah ah and that was like the only satisfaction we got I was like fuck this bitch I mean, we're fucking dead. And the woman next to Gary starts going, ah, ah. And that was like the only satisfaction we got. I was like, fuck this bitch. She was mean to us earlier. But yeah, it was terrifying.

Then 10 minutes later, he goes, I'm sorry about that. I couldn't hop on. I had to be a pilot. That's understandable. But he goes, I'm sorry. That was pretty bad. There was a flight recently I read about that apparently was like 100 feet off the water. Really? It went – let me see if I can find it.

It was like – because what was crazy though is it happened in December and nobody posted it. I want to say it was Delta. Let me see. Like nobody. I know. But we fly that a lot. So I think. I had one time when I was in eighth grade, we had a class trip.

And we were supposed to go to D.C., but 9-11 happened. So I was a pretty big victim about that. 9-11 fucked up your plan. It's really rude. We had this girl who was, it was her first time ever flying. Yeah. And she was, her ears wouldn't pop. So she was just screaming, crying on the plane.

That is brutal. That is brutal. That's like, your head's going to explode. Do you know how hard it is to just tell someone, like, yawn? Just yawn. Bro, that happened to me. Have you tried yawning? Where were we recently? Yeah, but sometimes they just won't pop.

If you have a sinus infection or something, they won't fucking pop. I got off the plane. I went home. went home uh my whole head told me this story i was i've never been more scared in my life i was like one of the pet boys i was that's i was just like what if what if this is my life now what if it never goes back and i never got that satisfaction it It just slowly got better to the point that one day I was like, oh, I guess it's not bothering me anymore. But to not have that release is like...

It was a United Airlines flight. I'd kill myself so fast. How long before you kill yourself? Days. Yeah, it was probably four days. I remember being like, something's got to change. I would never be able to stop thinking about it. I'd be like, well, I can change. I would never be able to stop thinking about it. So I'd be like, well, I can't think about this forever.

We were in Phoenix, and I was sick as a dog. And we did Mark Norman's bachelor party episode. And Joe DeRosa just can't stop being like, I went in being like, I'm kind of sick, but I got to rally. It's Mark's bachelor party. And DeRosa does that thing. We have a bar and studio. So DeRosa's like, shots! I'm like, dude 46 shots i'm like all right i'm like what am i gonna be the guy who doesn't take the shot i'm 36 i should be at this point but i can't i have you know no

willpower doing the shots i'm fucked up we're dinner afterwards we're all pretty wrecked and then at a certain point i'm just like oh i oh, I'm going to be sick for Phoenix. On the flight, I'm like, I'm fucking sick. All right. In the green room, of course, I'm with Gary, who is like a hot chick,

who just is the whole time like, you were supposed to take me to Pizzeria Bianco. I'm literally like hanging on by, like the shows are killing me. I'm laying on the couch just like, oh, I can barely, I can barely hang on by.

And I was like bummed. It was, Phoenix is a fun city to, you know, go out in and stuff and hit the, hit the town. Vito,

old time, you piece of shit. I'm eating, I'm eating takeout because of you. I'm trying to rally here. And, but then on the flight back,

yeah, sinus infection, like, yeah, it was days. It kills you. I mean, there's just things

that the human body can't fucking, at a certain age. Nope. No more. No more. Combine them. You're done. This flight, United Airlines. He is a hot.

If you read the text thread, I have a group of people who are going to tour with me now. I have James Webb, who films and directed my last special. I have Brian, who's my tour manager, and I have Gary. And every text thread from Gary, whatever anyone says, Gary responds with, shut the fuck up and buy me dinner, bitch. That's every text from Gary.

Make me out fancy tonight, bitch. And he finds whatever five-star restaurant and he makes me do it. And I'm like, fuck it. I mean, why not? This shit was, it got to 3,000 feet and then needed to plummet down to 700 feet above the water. Oh, my God. It was going at a rate of 8,600 feet per minute.

I don't even know what that means. 700 feet from the water is insane. Insane. That's insane. And it was right after takeoff. So it went up to 3,000 feet. That's not that high. There was some sort of weather.

So it just went... Wait, I don't think that's that low. 700 feet? That's what seven stories, right? That's like how planes always fly. That's pretty bad. Yeah, I guess seven stories. David used to have that bit about the the uh plane crash and then they

landed and got eaten by sharks and he's like how unlucky do you have to be for real fuck that imagine they they got uh they got subjected to 2.7 times the normal force of gravity so that's like like you're fucking getting all g-forced out and And then they got back to 33,000 feet and it was just like, we're good. But this happened back in December. And then they got right back to their normal world compliance. You're like, you don't have the tip-top old-fashioned hands. A minute later, you don't have the pre-made V8. How does this, this came out on February 13th.

Can I rewind Woman King, please? I heard that's good. I heard that one's pretty cool. I haven't seen it, but I did see it was on the flight, our last flight. Flight movie is so important. A flight movie? Oh my God. It's, it's also now we've reached a point, if you don't have a TV of some sort on your

plane, you can't fly that in the air anymore. Especially hungover. We've got to, we've got to, We've got to retire those out of the fleet. We hopped on. Where did we go? That was pretty far. One of those cities was a four-hour flight with no TVs at all. Oh, you might be.

Some of them you have to use your computer. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Sometimes you don't have Wi-Fi in those long ones. And you're like, what is this, fucking Guantanamo? I'm fucking hungover. I'm trying not to think. I need to distract my brain from how anxious I am right now. For real.

That to me is like, minimum got to have a plane, a TV, if not full Wi-Fi. Come on. Because also I want to cry. Because like, I'm going to cry. You cry like a bitch on planes. Really? You make a sad movie and you cry? I think it's like scientifically like you cry more on planes.

He just puts on a movie and starts crying. Bro, I cried three times during Crazy Rich Asians. Really? Weeping. Weird. Any given moment you look at John on a plane, he's... You know what we did?

The gayest thing we've ever done besides hook up with each other was we synced up Fast and the Furious 5. Fast 5? Fast 5, yeah. And we pressed play at the same time. That's dudes being dudes. It was.

Vito and I just did that with Triangle of Sadness. I loved it. We wanted to – it's the movie experience. You get to turn to the person. Yes. Right, right, right. No, that's a great time. I was asleep, woke up.

He was watching Fast Five, and I was like, tell me where you're at in the movie, and I'll fast forward to it. And he goes, I'll just start over. So he just watched the first hour or hour again with me. But the movie experience. So I'm'm sitting there he really loves the shit i'm fine with it i you know they're fun i love it too i'm watching him though he like like we're sitting next to each other and i'll just see him be like yeah like something explodes and he's like oh yeah get him dude like did you see that yeah i'm watching watching it. He watched the new trailer for Fast 10.

I mean. It looks fun. I've just never seen one of them. But if someone pushed me to see it in the theaters, I'd probably go. You should do a watch all 10. We've talked about doing that before. I can't do that. It's insane.

Dude, that would be so funny if you guys did. If you did your podcast thing through 10 fucking Fast and the Furious movies, it would be very funny. You know what the problem is? I just... I was going to say I watch a lot of other shit, but, like, man, I tried that sex cult doc. It is going to sound... The one on Hulu. I know what you're talking about.

I don't want to sound insensitive, but, like, pick up the pace. It's just so slow. All these docs that are, like, six episodes need to be three. If they're eight, they need to be six. It makes me furious. And none of them need to be ten.

It makes me furious. In the very beginning, I feel like they had it right, and then they tried to milk these things and turn them into ten episodes. They milk them. And it just is like, this could be a 90-minute movie. The only way I watch old movies, because people are like, this movie's slow, and I'm like, it's two hours. Yeah.

This show that you're telling me to watch is six seasons, and less happens. Right. It's just like, you're confused because watch is six seasons and and less happens right it's just like you're you're confused because there's more dialogue but less is happening right it's all this like bait and switch nonsense and they tell you like it used to be like uh the first episode's a little slow you got to get through that and i'm like okay cool and then that turned into like the first few episodes and now it's like season seasons one and two are a little bit slow. But three and four are good, and then five is okay. I'm like, what? It's so true.

And you better be Mad Men if you're going to do that. Yeah, it's better. You better be fucking awesome at the end. If you're slow, you better be the greatest show. Or else, why watch? I can't believe Walking Dead still has people. I think it's finally over now. Zombie's another genre that just doesn't really get me excited.

Zombie's never. I like The Last of Us, but zombies never better. I hear that's great. The Last of Us is good. Actually, World War Z I like too, but those are the only two zombie things I ever like. It is crazy how they just keep doing it, but people, it keeps working. Humans are zombies. The Last of Us is pretty good.

That's why Shaun of the Dead was funny, because it was like, he couldn't tell who was a zombie. But Shaun of the Dead was like mocking that whole that whole genre like 20 years ago and there's been like 20 years of zombie movies since then

you know what I mean like that was that was a long time ago and it was enough to make fun of horror is such a big thing and I just am not that into horror movies

I don't know if like I feel like Jews aren't huge horror fans oh yeah you guys you don't like that you're too you guys got enough we're full thank you very much Oh, yeah, you guys don't like that. You guys got enough.

We're full. Thank you very much. We've had enough. It's enough. Yeah, I'm good. We're not big horror people. No, you guys are. You're not.

A thriller's good. A thriller's good, but you don't like the jump, I feel like. If it's a psychological horror, I like it. I don't like cheap thrills. I feel like you also, you're not going to like, I don't think you would like fake fantasy, fantastical type shit. If it's good, I'll like it. I mean, I don't like Slashers. I like Scream because I feel like it was kind of making fun of that shit. So Scream's coming to New York, this one.

Scream 6 is in Manhattan. I can't believe they're making a 6. Oh, yeah. They might go to 10. Is that still the Weinsteins? I would imagine not. Right? It can't be.

I don't think so. I think it is. There's still Weinstein. No, I'm sure not. He's definitely not Harvey. He's not zooming in from prison. I know prison tech's gotten pretty good. I don't think he's... zooming in from prison I know prison tech's gotten pretty good but I don't think he's hot chicks

Scream 6 is like New York New Rules or something like that and it's like it's got like Ghostface in the skyline is the billboard it always it perplexes me that he's just called Ghostface

whenever someone says that to me I think they're talking about Ghostface I'm always like we mean Ghostface I Ghostface, yeah. Whenever someone says that thing, they're talking about Ghostface Kill. Yeah, no. I'm always like, we mean Ghostface. Right. I just call him the mask, the scream guy. Yeah, he's just the scream guy. That was a big modern one. I feel like I grew up on Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees, Chucky.

And then, I mean, I guess it wasn't that much. Did you just refer to Jason as his government name? Yeah, man. Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger. I've never heard that before. I'll count that. Michael Myers. Yeah, Michael Myers.

Jason Voorhees. Those were all, like, 70s and the 80s. And then, I guess, Scream was, like, mid-90s. So that's not that long after. But I felt like that was, like, a new classic. There's a lot of cheap shit in those movies, though. A lot of those, like, Nightmare on Elm Street, a lot of that shit, like, they made so many of them. I've never seen any of those.

Really? I've never seen Chucky. The made so many of them I've never seen any of those really I've never seen the first ones are good like the premise is all you know Freddy Krueger like you can't go to sleep at night you go to sleep

he kills you in your dreams that's fucking great cause you're gonna pass out so first Nightmare on Elm Street Johnny Depp is in that oh really it's either his first or second movie

but he dies in his bed there was always some sex you're always gonna see some titties you're always going to see some titties. You're always going to see some blood. I was like, I'm in. I saw the newest Halloween. That's the only one I've ever seen. That's insane.

That is the craziest thing ever. I didn't see it. He's never seen any of the Halloweens, but he watches Halloween 2023. You guys talk about a lot of pop culture stuff on your pod, so I get it. You've got to be kind of in the mix. That's what's crazy. I did LCB, and that was what we did. What's LCB?

Lights, Camera, Barstool is our movie podcast here. I was a guest on it, and that was the movie they were reviewing. To not know anything about Michael Myers and then just jump into probably the 12th or 13th installment of the series. But what I learned is that there are multiple timelines. Yeah, it's like this one, he sees a lot. Oh no, that one didn't count. Well, coming from the Fast and the Furious guy where people just come back to life,

I don't want to hear it. No, they don't. I don't like the horrors where it's just people getting stabbed. I like Misery where Kathy Bates kidnaps him. That's really creepy to me. That's scary shit. What about Saw?

I never saw any of them. Saw is cool because there is this psychological factor to it. And then they're also like we'll watch rats eat your face. But it's like torture porn. Yeah, very much is. There's the gore side of it, but it is matched with some psychological shit behind it.

There's that one scene. I know people love these movies, so I'm pissed. I mean, man, Norman and I caught so much shit for trash in the new Batman movie. Everyone was like, you didn't get it. That's my number one thing. If you don't like a Kanye album, if you don't like some fucking hoity-toity movie, oh, you just don't get it. No, I get it. I understand it. I don't get it. I understand it.

I don't like it. It's Batman. I got it. Yeah, like, wait, what's not to get about Batman? Penguin, what? Yeah. What happened?

How could you not get Batman? It's the same thing every fucking time. I like the movie. I thought it was fine. I've seen it once. I thought it was good. Yeah. I think I got it.

Yeah. I got a pretty good grasp of what we're doing here. What is... So if you're not... I feel like you're an old movies guy. I love old movies. You're just a Jew from the wrong generation. You just need to be...

I'm glad I wasn't a Jew in that generation. I was going to say. You're lucky you are. I like 1940s movies. You're lucky you are. I mean... Actually, I'm from I wasn't a Jew in that generation. You're lucky you are. I like 1940s movies. You're lucky you are. I mean. Actually, I'm from the proper generation. Better to be an old soul than dead.

Dead one. Yeah, no, I love like old noir with like detectives pounding drinks. Totally. There's like a femme fatale. Yeah. And the dialogues. You ever see like one of my favorites? You ever see, there's a movie called Murder, My Sweet, and just the lines are so funny.

Like there's a line. He describes an old woman. He goes, she had a face like a bucket of mud. Yeah, that kind of shit. Hilarious dialogue. With that like mid-Atlantic accent. I could see you just like sipping a – like in the shadow, like you're sipping a whiskey, and you're like, well, listen here, my dear. It's never going to be that way.

All right, sweet cheeks? Like get out of here. I like good word economy and good language in movies and I love like I love that late 60s early 70s

from movies those are like that's a great era she had a face like a bucket of mud oh that movie is some classic that's gotta be

one of the most offensive things you can say imagine her knowing that's how he felt hey babe you had a face like a bucket of mud

I bet I look pretty good today and then he's like it's fucking just a bucket of mud I bet I look pretty good today and then he's like it's fucking just a bucket of mud bro imagine being those guys like the famous movie stars back when

like there was only a few famous people when it wasn't like every fucking dickhead with a phone is famous where it was like there's only like ten guys

who you know the world knows and if you're one of them you just do whatever you want yeah well literally whatever you want to whoever you want whenever you want i just read at all times book on this guy fatty arbuckle have you heard of that guy no but that's that's what i mean that's a great he was the biggest silent movie star he was the biggest comedy star it was like him and charlie chaplin head and head and fatty arbuckle he got framed for a rape and murder and lost his career that was charlie

chaplin bro no they they respected each other they like really you know fatty arbuckle basically like invented the pie in the face wow it was like his gag and like imagine doing that for the first time and it's hilarious the way they described and they're like fatty could throw he was athletic he could throw a pie anyway he could throw it this way behind the back he had great accuracy but no

it's the most tragic life story you've ever heard wait so he was framed like he didn't do it like it was confirmed he didn't do it but it doesn't matter once the tabloids kill you

they and it took him like six retrials to get proven innocent but he got proven innocent but by that point you're just the rapist

and then he was back and he made it back and he had his like he had like one movie come out and then he died in his sleep he was he was fat his nickname was fatty did you imagine being like responsible for like the pie in the face or like the step on the plank of wood and it hits you in the nose like i know all that old or like the like the first knock knock jokes he got the first slap the comedy and then you see this guy's life and like how is i think they were gonna make a movie about it with chris farley and it was gonna be his big like oscar turn but he but he fucking went the way of fatty i mean like it's crazy you know but fatty imagine that if chris farley made the turn he could have he's actually a you know he absolutely could have really you think so absolutely if he wasn't a fucking like raging party animal but this guy was a party animal you

know i mean he was a drunk but you read about these guys like do they all have to have these tragic stories like his upbringing was like the darkest shit you've ever seen it was like it was like made to be a movie he uh he went his dad walked out of him so they're like take a train to stay with your dad he goes to this hotel that his dad owned and when him. So they're like, take a train to stay with your dad. He goes to this hotel that his dad owned. And when he gets there, they're like, your dad skipped town. He sold the hotel so he wouldn't have to raise his kid. And then he's just like working in the hotel. And they're like feeding him.

They're like, look at the fat he eats. So he's eating. And then they have a talent night. And he goes up and sings. And he's got like, he could have been a professional singer. His voice is that good. So it's this fat kid who can sing. And he's doing like you know shtick on stage yeah that would play on the internet right now yeah kid who sings you'd have like two followers in a day like that

red wings kid yeah it's the next fatty arbuckle hopefully not but you know he uh then he becomes a star and of course his dad comes back into the picture. It's like classic shit. You know what I always think about? How's LeBron's dad never come back? Where is he? I don't think he ever knew him. But does his dad not know he's LeBron's dad? No, he's got to. I'm sure he tried at some point.

Dwayne Wade's dad had a similar thing. But I think Wade forgave him. But it sounds like he was a pretty bad dad as well. How about fucking Carmelone getting all this showtime at All-Star Weekend? That was crazy. Do you think the NBA regrets it? Yeah!

Yeah! Because he brought nothing to the table. It's not like it was like, you know, oh, we love to see that. John Stockton and Carmelone are the two most boring, unlikable superstars ever. Isn't it weird? They were unbelievable.

And I don't even think jazz fans like them. They kind of have to. It's a tough thing. They are so unlikable. I mean, there's streets named after them there. I mean, they're the biggest thing to ever hit Utah. But outside of that, if you were like, I'm a fan of the mailman, I like John Stockton

In that era You are a fucking loser With all the other choices And teams and shit John Starks is a better choice Seriously That's my other basketball name I can name

John Starks fucking rules I mean John Stockton I had a John Starks jersey Don't you ever disrespect John Starks I'm from Massachusetts And I had a John Starks jersey He was that kind of guy

He was that kind of player He was the man I love Starks But you know It's funny that we all hated The Utah Jazz as kids Massachusetts and I had a John Starks jersey. He was that kind of guy. He was the man. I love Starks. It's funny that we all hated the Utah Jazz as kids. And we were right. We were fucking right. It was like kids are onto something. Unless they're sleeping with Carmelone.

In which case they're not. No, they sucked. His quote, I guess somebody finally pressed him about it. He was like, yeah, I've already been through all that backlash, and I'm not here to talk about that, so whatever. Yeah. You just pulled a whatever for impregnating a 13-year-old girl?

Whatever, man. Yeah. She was 12 when it happened, apparently. I know people have called her a pedophile. I didn't know. He was 20. She was 12. I think gave birth at 13.

Yeah. No way. Yup. And then he, like, completely, like, disassociated from him. And then I think... You know what's even worse? I heard John Stockton set them up. He's always setting them up.

He's always looking out for them. He's also... That's gotta be weird when you are, like, in the 90s. Bro, what? You're the Utah Jazz you're going to the finals back to back you're like you're fucking a legit team and duo

but your right hand man fucking got a 13 year old but it was also a time like you know you just they probably were like hey this is working I mean like if I found out tomorrow that you impregnated a 13 year old I would fire me I think I'm that you impregnated a 13-year-old. I would fire me. I think I'm kicking you to the curb.

Would you? Because you're also the guy who impregnated a 13-year-old. Would you have the common sense to be like, this was wrong? I'm probably going to step away from the show. I got two kids to raise. No, I mean, he bailed on that kid, obviously. And then one of his kids, I think, made it to the NFL. He's a pro or college football player.

And I think he tried to come back around when that happened. Really? And he was like, get the fuck out of here. I think. I'm not sure about that. He's definitely a football player. No, I know that for sure. I'm pretty sure he bailed on him.

Malone was shredded even when he came to the Lakers. He was huge. He was a dude that worked out like 10 hours a day. How about when he was just like, when Magic came back, and he was like, I'm not playing with you, man. I'm going to get AIDS from you. Yeah. That makes sense.

He was like, no. That sounds like someone who fucks a kid. Yeah, pretty much. That's an early 90s. They don't really understand biology that well. This is a dude who doesn't understand how the world works. He's like, I'm not going to play basketball with a sick guy. I will get

a child yeah i mean that is so fucking jacked and and he said something like i've already dealt with this backlash and i'm like what backlash the only backlash that has ever happened is people find out about and go holy shit i didn't know that and then that's it they've done that's fucking it nothing else ever happened to the nba PR for really burying this one. They really buried it. They kept that so quiet. Because it's not like he's been totally blackballed from things. But also, if you look around, he's never... That's why it was so weird to see him surface.

Yeah, you can see LeBron and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Like, we're better people. Don't get me over here. LeBron did a promise school for kids. He didn't impregnate them. He's like a head of state almost. He's like a one-man charity, like a one-man country at this point.

And Kareem is a miserable guy, but he's such an impressive guy too. He's such a prick. He's just a deeply unhappy man, but he's a smart guy. He's a good writer. He's very talented. He's the best of his generation.

I mean, it must be tough for him guy he's a good writer he's very talented he's the best of his generation i mean movies and shit it must be tough for him to be that for to be that great and when he retired he was like selling his jazz records and now he sees lebron as like a multi-billionaire god that's got to be tough now now lebron is like like as an active player he's like i'm gonna buy a team soon i think oh there are scrubs in the nba who are obviously way richer than him and it's kind of fucked up like a lot of these up until recently man if you really think about it like i we were talking about uh charles barclay the other day and he'll probably end up making way more as a broadcaster yeah because i mean

i mean yeah right right money's in broadcasting. I mean, the amount of money. I mean, I remember Jordan was signing one-year $30 million deals. And then Garnett came in with that $120 million over six or seven. But everyone else was making, I don't know, like $25 million over three and shit like that. And then it just, I guess with the tv deals or whatever the fuck happened it exploded but if i mean if you were like if you were in the greats in like the 80s and early 90s and you look at like the money that like a mid-level scrub is making right now you probably want to fucking put a bullet in your head yeah like i'm sure you know like the pistons of that

era the richest guy was probably making like a couple million. One of them, though, invested and is like an insanely rich billionaire. Specifically Pistons? One of the Pistons. Really? I'm sure you could look it up. I mean, I forgot who it was. But no, I mean, that era. Actually, Isaiah was on my flight to Salt Lake.

Really? I didn't say shit, but I kind of. Dude, Isaiah is one of those guys who doesn't get any love because I think he was just an asshole of a person. But he was fucking incredible. I mean, he's maybe the most underrated as a player. To get forced off the Dream Team. Getting two rings in that era is like –

It's insane. It was all dynasties, all like impossible to win, and they snuck two in, and they're like, yeah. Lambir is so dirty, but he's kind of underrated too because he could shoot. Rodman. Rodman. Dumars. Was Rodman pre-bulls yeah yeah it was it was before like he was he didn't have

the hair and all that he was just a rebound machine but yeah they they had like their own it was like jordan had to get through the pistons and then and then but like to be so disliked that they keep you off the olympic team when it's like you're one of the greatest point guards ever, that shit is pretty sad. We'll take the college kid from Duke instead. Even more fucked up. The fact that Christian Lager is not here. Who coached the Dream Team?

It was Chuck Daly, his coach. That's pretty dark. That is some seriously – that's bullying. That's what that is. That was fucking bullying, man. But I think it was just like, yeah, man, that guy's such a fucking asshole and god knows he was the worst executive of all time more polite to a guy in the plane who was annoying him was he was nice he was very nice yeah he's always got that soft spoken soft spoken warm smile i mean as a nicks fan he he he pretty

much like napalm to the franchise he hurt us set us back, for sure. We weren't exactly headed anywhere, but he certainly did his best to dig that hole a little deeper. He paid big money to Jared Jeffries, and I feel like there was an Indiana connection. That was incredible. And I always liked Jared Jeffries, but it's just too much money. That was a bad one. Jerome James, too. That was a tough one. He gambled.

He gambled big. He loved alliteration. He loved alliteration. He's just like, don't look at the stats. He gambled big. He loved alliteration. He loved it. He's just looking. He's like, don't look at the stats. Look at the name. It works. Look, but I remember thinking, like, I was thrilled when Marbury came here.

You know? I thought Marbury was the answer. Isaiah Thomas was a pretty good drafter, actually, though. Yeah. He drafted T-Mac, I think, for the Raptors. Yeah, he wasn't that bad there. But everything else was a fucking nightmare. Yeah.

Would you – if you could be – you get to be a GM, right? But you go down in history as like one of the worst ones ever. Would you take that? Yeah. Would you? I don't know if we want to. Not if it was for the Knicks. I would do it if I could do it for like the Lakers or the Celtics.

I would napalm their franchise. And that way I'd still be good for the Knicks. I would do it if I could do it for the Lakers or the Celtics. I would napalm their franchise. And that way I'd still be good to the Knicks. I'm too big a Knicks fan. If I hurt the Knicks, it would hurt me. It would hurt me to hurt the New Yorkers. It's like the same idea of what if I told you you're going to get drafted by the Bruins, but you're going to be an all-time bust. You're going to go down in history as the guy who sucked.

Versus you could just go live a normal life no i still do it you get that sweet rookie contract though yeah i guess you get a few i'd actually rather do the gm because the gm you can save that job you can't really save your job as a player if you're not playing well but gm i'll just fire the coach right three more years i could i could i I could keep a GM job for about seven years. Yeah. The most incestual of all industries is sports. The amount of rehiring that goes on. You guys don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't understand how John Tortorella still has a job.

Yeah. John Tortorella's been hired. He used to be the coach of the Rangers. You have one good season. Somebody will hire you always. I think he had two good years. Maybe a little more. He also had Vincent LeCavier and Martin St. Louis.

I don't know why you're talking about this because no one cares. I know those names. He had great players and he had a few good years. He's been living off that for 20 years. Yep. 20 years. NFL coaches. I think it was 2004 he won the Cup, maybe.

As an NFL coach, you come up as a coordinator, you get the job, you're way in over your head, you suck, you go back to being a coordinator, and you're good again, and then you just keep going. Ryan might go to the Broncos, but then it's like, at some point, he has a good defensive mind, so maybe he gets another job. Yep, and it just keeps going fucking forever.

That and a left-handed reliever. If you're a left-handed reliever, you will play baseball until you're fucking dead. You can do it for 30 goddamn years. Graham Lloyd. That's a throwback name. That bullpen, I just remember that one brawl where they came running in from the bullpen, and it was like Graham Lloyd and a couple other like Stanton and a couple other motherfuckers.

Oh, Stanton was tough. You did not want to fuck with. Stanton was another good lefty reliever. They did the run in from the bullpen, but it actually like they were. You didn't want to fuck with a dude with a neck like Stanton. He had that thick neck. He would fuck you up. Back in baseball was.

John Wetland was kind of a badass too. Yeah, those guys were like do not fuck with them. That was the last of a of that's another thing that happened I feel like athletes became like fine tuned millionaire machines you know that's a relatively recent thing too there's a lot of guys who are just like drinking and fucking

and traveling did you see the doc on Jesus Christ greatest pitcher Nolan Ryan yeah he was. Great doc, man. He fucked up Robin Ventura when he rushed him out. Just like he was like, oh, fuck you. I heard Robin Ventura says that he didn't really get me as bad.

If you really look at the footage, it wasn't. You were in a headlock and he was going like this. I don't know if the punches were landing. You got your ass kicked. That's a fact. It was a bad was going like this. I don't know if the punches were landing. You got your ass kicked. That's a fact. It was a bad look. I mean, I don't know if he actually got hurt. Yeah, I mean, to be like, come on, bring it, and then just bam.

But, yeah, like, those guys – And that dude just lasted forever. Yeah, when you got, like, size like that and the league – Again, like, there weren't, you know, like, the Balcos of the world. There weren't even the legitimate stuff. Like, you have these guys sleeping in fucking hyperbaric chambers and shit. There weren't the Balcos of the world. There weren't even the legitimate stuff. You have these guys sleeping in fucking hyperbaric chambers and shit. It used to just be like, I don't know, man.

I can throw harder than the other guys can, so I get a couple million dollars. That, to me, is so much better than being like, I don't know, you have to worry about the TB12 method and worry about every little thing you do. It's just like, I don't know, guys. Let's just fucking play. Whoever's got the best God-given talent. I actually like the more fun than TB12 method and worry about every little thing you do. It's just like, I don't know, guys, let's just fucking play. Whoever's got the best God-given talent. What was the thing where he was like, I'll just catch the ball.

Yeah, yeah. Gronk was telling a story on a podcast recently about how he was so hungover at his Patriots meeting before draft day. And he's like, it was the last team I met with. I was so over the process. I just didn't even care anymore. And Bill O'Brien is drawing up plays. And I was so hung the process. I just didn't even care anymore. And Bill O'Brien's drawn up plays, and I was so hungover.

I just kept going, doesn't matter. Just throw me the ball. He was like, what would you do here? I don't care. Throw me the ball. I'll be open. Yeah, and it worked. I walked out there thinking, they're either drafting me,

they're either trading up to draft me, or they're cutting me off the board altogether. Right. That's how I would much rather be an athlete like that. I feel like Kelsey's like that, too. I feel like you want the tight end to be kind of a meathead. Yeah. Yeah. To just be like, because you're in that in-between.

Remember Jeremy Shockey for the job? Yeah. There was a couple years where that guy was fun as hell. I feel like he was the original tribal tattoo. He's the first one. I think he was the first one that was popular. He was just such a fucking douchebag. He was awesome.

He was that dude who would party and then he would feel guilty, so he'd do like a thousand push-ups in his hotel room, which I kind of loved. He was like, I fucked up. I know guys who were exactly like Jeremy Shockey like that. He was awesome. He was good, yeah. I had a draft.

The last time I ever played fantasy football, was in college probably 07 and my buddy took him that everyone had like a draft party for fantasy football but i had class so like everyone was drunk during the day for this draft party and the first overall selection was jeremy shocky and my buddy i like the way he hits and i was like I'm going to win this league I mean like he got those hits he would just absorb I mean like remember Mike Alstott

back in the day did you see him in that picture the other day no dude it was Burt Wade Boggs

Mike Alstott no way dude Wade Boggs is the coolest it was they were in Tampa Burt went back to Tampa by the way

how perfect is it that Wade Boggs now lives in Tampa? Yeah, I mean, for not being better. That's what you want, Wade. I mean, I was such a big fan of his on the Yankees, and obviously Red Sox fans love him, but, like, dude. Wait, did he not post it on his? That guy was. Wade Boggs, does he still party hard?

I would have to imagine he slowed down somewhat Just because There's a lot of pressure on him now with that I heard stories but I didn't know he was like that He's an animal But I'm telling you Mike Allstott could go play tomorrow Really? Look at him

Just absolutely ripped Holy shit, dude. And I don't know if Allstotts a partier or not, but I would imagine he can throw him back. That's a trio right there. A Tampa trio. Bird is living the dream. He's just shirtless with Wade Boggs.

Yeah. No point. And Bird loves baseball, so this is kind of great. Dude, that's a huge moment for him. Holy shit. no points and Burt loves baseball so this is kind of great that's a huge moment for him between I mean I wonder is that is that more of a moment as a all-time generational partier or like an all-time baseball player you know that's got to be a partier and that to me that's me Wade Boggs I don't Wade Boggs is a hall of famer though he's a hall of fame baseball player he's a whole and

he wasn't even like that guy didn't really hit home runs. No, he was one of those guys who was like, I'm going to bat 370. Like, fuck you. But, I mean, that is – I don't even think I thought he looked like that when he played. I always thought of him as like a compact guy. He's a fucking Adonis, man. That's an all-time picture right there. Yeah, he's on a run right now.

That is pretty fucking – that was just like on his run right now yeah that is uh that is pretty fucking that was just like on his story he didn't even post that on his fucking instagram that to me i would have that hung over my fucking mantle we we got a taste of the chrysler life it's tough uh he will i saw the pictures you were posting i mean it will it'll take its toll on you yeah it's like bird is like vegas he's great for a day. Yeah, but that's what I can't – And we got it for like two weeks because we saw him in Amsterdam and then we saw him in Phoenix. We had like a back-to-back Bert experience. And yeah, it is like Vegas where you go home and you're like, oh, people are there.

There are some people who are there all the time. That's just Bert. He's there. He's living Bert's life all the time. Well, it's like Vegas, but it's the machine always wins. You won't win. Yeah. You're not winning this drinking game.

No, for sure. Because he'll wake up and he'll be like, Campari Spritz. And you're like, dude, we had everything last night. I was so pumped. I think we partied hard enough that he didn't want to do his workout. The original idea was to do one of his crazy 500 burpees and 200 push-ups and all that shit. And I was like like i'd rather drink myself into a coma trying to drink like i'm a kid again than do any of the exercise but that ended

up uh i think we all slept through that but that was i've gotten i've gotten a taste i remember even like years ago opening for burt at the hartford funny bone that's how long ago this is and uh he was like going light that weekend with drinking and still he was drinking every he was still like him going light was like doing shots and just like drinking out of the pitcher of a beer i can't imagine like uh we were we were keeping up and like hanging on but he's 50 yeah right like he's way out of his prime technically he's still an absolute easy don lemon uh no he i can't imagine what he was like he was like 20 you know 24 30 like well he's gotta he's gotta slow down at some point you know i don't think he's gonna say that i think there are certain people in this world he he calls it the mickey mantel gene you know

it's like it's just i don't know if you know how it ended for mickey mantel it wasn't pretty drinking so much this episode colin could you grab three glasses please yeah let's pour some out but i i think you're probably right like but it's not like he'll die anytime soon it's not like i hope to god not jesus god i wasn't trying to go there. Bird is going to be dead soon. There are people who, whether it's their attitude or partying, like I have a friend who's very fresh and always got a fucking comment,

and people say, one day that's going to catch up with you. You're going to say it to the wrong guy, and he's going to pop you in the mouth. And he's like, no, that's not going to happen. It's never happened. Who was this friend? Chris Rock.

Who was this friend? Yeah, I mean, I guess those, you know, it doesn't happen until it happens. But sometimes I think those people who you say, like, you know, you got to catch up with you one day for whatever it is. It's like, no. Yeah. Chris Rock's new material, by the way, is fucking awesome. Is it you one day for whatever it is. It's like, nah. Yeah. Chris Rock's new material, by the way, is fucking awesome. Is it? Yeah. It's so good. He's about to do a... I followed him the other night

at the Cellar, and I, like, I made the mistake of just being like, I wrote some new shit today. He's literally playing the hits for his special. Was he? I mean, he's still figuring out a couple things, but, like, he's pretty damn good. Yeah. And I'm going up there and I'm like, I tried this. Let me try this joke today. And it's just bombing. I'm like, maybe don't follow

the greatest comic. You know what? I almost think that is the move. It's almost going to be impossible anyway. Usually it's actually easy to follow a legend.

Because the crowd is like, they're playing with house money. Their night is made. That's a good point. I very much like that as a fan of comedy. I like when I go. And we actually,

we saw it with you. This was probably like two years ago now. But you had your book out. It was like heavy pandemic. Oh my God, I like when I go. And we actually saw it with you. This was probably like two years ago now. But you had your book out. It was like a heavy pandemic. Oh, my God. Remember that? Yeah.

I like that, though. You came to that little hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I was just trying to survive. Yeah, but that was what was cool about it. There was a couple moments the crowd was riding with you. There was a couple moments where they weren't.

It was like, oh, this is like. But it was a glimpse behind the curtain. Yeah. We were like, oh, this is how comedy happens. Totally. I find that more enjoyable than like a perfect special and then okay because it's all it's all worked out because you've seen the you've seen the glossy shit for you it's more interesting to see like yeah yeah i to me too i love watching when it is like perfect it's like i know that this is like the 250th time you've done this you know what i mean and you're

even even you're laughing is probably rehearsed at that point. I can't do that shit. Your pauses and all that shit. Do you want some? Yeah, what is it? This is, do we have any of ours specific? No, we got yours. Do we have yours still sitting here?

We have the bodega cat over here too. Yeah. Where's, what is this? Whistle pig? Yeah, we got whistle pig, but we have yours here. Oh, you have mine? Bodega Cat. Let's do Bodega Cat.

I'll do that. You guys haven't tried it yet. It's unopened. I haven't tried it. Give it a shot. Cheers. Cheers. Oh, that's really great.

That's good stuff. It is good. I mean, we are Whistlepig through and through, and we've been tasting some of the best bottles they've had, but that holds up. That aftertaste is really good. Yeah, it's like that little caramelly vanilla kind of hint. I love it.

Were you guys involved in the process of it? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Mark and I taste testing. They're like, yeah, you're not supposed to swallow all of it. We were fucking wasted. We got fucking hammered. We did it. They're like, yeah, you're not supposed to swallow. We were fucking wasted. We got fucking hammered.

We did it. This is insane, too. I love Whistlepig. Whistlepig's the best. It was at 7 a.m. Or 8 a.m. 8 a.m. So we woke up at 7.30 to have a whiskey tasting.

It was like we were going to do, we wanted to film for the vlog. So we had disc golf and fucking like relay rate all this shit you know and we did that in the afternoon and the drinking in the morning oh no rather than waking up and doing like the fun shit and then be like all right we're done like working out let's let's drink at a normal time and i i remember i we had just they had a whole breakfast spread i was eating quiche and all this shit we had a whole tasting. I threw up in the fucking bathroom. Did you? Yeah.

I don't think I knew this. No. Didn't this just come? I think you found this out when you were wasted. Oh, really? Because I did tell you recently, and then I think you blacked it out. But yeah, we were all hyped up and everything for the tasting. And I got up.

Oh, yes. Okay. I started to sweat and everything. And I didn't think I was going to throw up. I was like, I just got to go to the bathroom and splash some water, take a sip of water. I'll be fine. And it just came over me. So then they're going through the audio for the fucking vlog.

And you just hear. And it was one of those pukes where you have a lot in your stomach so it's just coming out and I just dusted myself off and went back out there and was like, more tasting! It was just so much whiskey. We were there for the weekend to do whiskey tasting. I was like, alright, we gotta keep going here.

That happened to me and Norman. I remember we were opening for Schumer in Orlando years ago. It was like, alright, we gotta keep going here. That happened to me and Norman. I remember we were opening for Schumer in Orlando years ago. It was me, Norman, Rachel Feinstein. It was like the most fun crew. And of course we're in our hotel. We had this huge hotel room. We're just whiskey, wine,

everything. We're bombed. I just remember the next morning at the Orlando airport just puking my guts out and Norman does the classy move. Hands a ginger ale over the stall. What a guy. That's a friend. Yeah. That's a friend right there.

Dude, we had Bert, Shane, and Mark on to do like a five-man. Oh, my God. And they were all so hungover. I think Shane said like four words. At one point he said, I choose not to participate. He just opted out of the podcast. Mark was just back in his chair and he was like, ah!

Thank God for Bert, who just talked for an hour or two. But everybody, I mean, hungover podcasting in the Arizona sun was not... Bro, I'll tell you what, I was sneaky the most hungover out of everyone there. But you power through it unlike anybody I've ever seen before john will finish the podcast and be like all right i gotta go to the hospital and i'm like what he's like yeah man uh like my blood pressure is like

200 over 180 i gotta go you're like an athlete yeah so much he is he is like a bird like when we were when we were going to amsterdam people were like, oh, are you guys nervous? And I was like, I am. Like I haven't partied ever like him, but not even close, even in my prime. John can go toe-to-toe with anybody in the world. Like I'll put him up against anybody. But then afterwards, he'll be like, okay, yeah, I'm going to go dine. Check myself into the emergency room. I kind of pace myself.

I don't want to get to that point. Even just like watching you are I even just like watching you I'm like that's a respectable drinker he's a human he's a real human I'm not

that was what was nice about Amsterdam was it was like we didn't do many shots it was just like beers and joints and the shots are what gets you

because it just it just it goes hyper drive you know it's just like oh you've had a couple drinks well now you've done two shots that's doubled you know what I mean I want to enjoy it yeah yeah i don't want

to get to a point where i'm like i'm just doing this to numb something i want to actually like enjoy the buzz the same way i drink coffee i want to like feel the buzz and enjoy it i think coffee when i was when i was like in my early drinking days it was just about getting fucked up like how much could you drink how much can how much can you handle just keep going all night long and then i realized like what am i doing here you know what i mean yeah man i think that's how young people drink right it's it takes they say drink responsibly in all the ads but you're like you're just like yeah whatever and then and then you're an adult you're like oh it's better if it makes way more sense feels better yeah i yeah no i i still just maintain a buzz?

Oh. I'll fuck up every once in a while, but then you don't feel as bad. When you're the dude who just keeps fucking up, the hangovers get worse. They get real bad. That's the real problem too. I mean the hangovers got to meet to the point where I was just like, it's not worth doing this. See, I never had – For the 10,000th time.

I've done this a million times before. My hangover is never physical. It's always anxiety. And that's the worst one. That's the worst one, right? I was working on a joke about how when you're hungover in your 20s, the anxiety is like, what did I say to that girl? What happened?

When I'm hungover in my 30s, I'm always like, did I sign up for Paramount Plus? And Peacock? I think I fucked up. No, but I feel like I'm a little less anxious than I was in my 20s. It was worse. I'm a little more secure. But now it's more like I'm a little less anxious than I was in my 20s. It was worse. I'm a little more secure. But now it's more like you're a piece of shit. Yeah.

Now it's also like, I got to check my Twitter. What did I fucking say? Are you a drunk tweeter? No, I'm not. I was going to say, I follow you. I couldn't tell. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm pretty good about it.

I would drunk tweet sometimes. It would always just be a mess. I remember Louie, one time when he had Twitter, was just like calling Sarah Palin a cunt on Twitter. And he just deactivated it. He was like, I shouldn't be doing it. Gillis is a great drunk tweeter. If you can catch, if you're like awake and you're on Twitter at the right time and he's drunk, you see like two

or three tweets go out and they're the funniest thing you'll ever see and then by the morning they're gone. He'll preface it with like, I'm about to drunk tweet. And then he'll preface it, I'm about to delete this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm about to delete this in the morning. He had one when he was in Jamaica, and he said, God, what was it? Shane in Jamaica is already, like, it's like one of the Ernest movies.

You're like, what is he doing? Gillis goes to fucking Montego Bay. It was something about the dogs? Was that it? It was, yeah, I don't want to eat sex. I don't want to butcher it. It was something like, you was that it it was it was um yeah I don't want to even say because I don't want to butcher it

it was something like you know like people who don't like America like yeah it was like it was like reminder they got

fucking like stray dogs running around like he said like we had a 17 year old kid cosplay as a cop and kill two

people in other countries they have stray dogs like assholes like it didn't even make any sense at all it was so he was talking about Rittenhouse it was like during the Rittenhouse trial Jesus Christ In other countries, they have stray dogs like assholes. It didn't even make any sense at all. It was so – we were talking about Rittenhouse.

It was like during the Rittenhouse trial. Jesus Christ. That anxiety is – Yeah, that next day, it can be bad. I've gotten better at controlling it because you do that thing in your head where you're like, this is just – What do you think that is though? It's like there's nothing inherently – whatever. You went out. You had too many drinks.

No big deal. You're successful in life. You not fucking anything up it's it's a depression yeah i don't think it's rational i don't think you i don't think it's like it's a chemical that's making you sad right what do you got next you got some dates i'm in ac this weekend i'm in uh madison we just bumped up to a bigger room there boston five wilbur so now there's hopes we can get to six because we're almost done with the fifth one and then uh that's coming up boston we got new haven before that get some of that frank pepe's pizza miami orlando uh you know ponte vedra which i hear is naples 2.0 and i'm'm like, did I fuck myself? We'll see. I mean, hey, we'll see. That's got to be fucking doing five Wilbersons.

Atlanta, D.C., Charleston, Durham. I got fucking West Coast coming, so it's, yeah, San Diego, L.A., Sacramento. Do you feel a pressure to, like, almost like an athlete in your prime, like, go, go, go? Like, now's the time to cash in as much as you can. I just don't know how long it's going to be this good. Right, that's what I mean. Yeah, I got to kind of get while it's good. I mean, I think you guys are all good.

I was saying to somebody the other day, I feel like we've kind of like leveled out almost in the comedy world. Like it was like there was a gold rush and there was Netflix and then there was Patreon and then there's this podcast and now everything's kind of like subsided the cream you know rose to the top you know who's good you know who's not like you know what shows you know what i mean like everybody is kind of it's like if you did if you went the youtube route you got your recognition and you got your specials if you were already lucky enough to have your specials you're good like it just seems like everything the landscape is kind of set now

where in the beginning it was very much like you were pioneers you were trailblazing well i'll do it this way i'll do it that way and now there's kind of a method to the madness you know and it's like get like the the it's probably not as much where it's like you get like five specials for 20 million dollars each but there's enough to go around right now that if you got the chops like you're gonna make your money you know yeah you just can't ever you can't ever get lazy like i'm grateful for that that the road has been this good like we're doing the tour bus which is so hell yeah but that's no but that's like that we got such a small taste of it what we do doing like the live podcast which is different what you guys do but we just did like little little swings where it was like a three city swing and by the third city we had so many more stories

and we had all these things that happened and if you have a tour bus and you're doing that life like the material just starts to snowball and like it becomes everything just becomes that much funnier you get more content on the internet out of it it's the way to do it is is go all in with it i know like sometimes doing the content is a grind and you like especially like i feel like if you want to just write the jokes and just look at you guys the same way i mean like you guys do this all the time you're doing the one minute man thing yes never stops but it's good you're on it you're on it the second it happens yeah and it's like you gotta be prolific if you want to stand out right now it's i think there's two ways to go about it.

I mean, if you're fucking incredible and you can just be like, come see me at my shows and that's where you get me, like, then God bless you. But the rest of us, I feel like it's gotta be like... But that incredible person would have more tickets sold if they were hustling, too. I think that, too.

That's true. I don't think there's any harm. I think you can probably... But do what feels good for you. For me, it feels good to be busy. I don't... Right. I go down, I'm a little, you know... I don't feel as good. Yeah. I think you can probably... But do what feels good for you. For me, it feels good to be busy. I go down,

I'm a little, you know, I don't feel as good. I like to be active. There's, I mean, a lot of downtime if you're not in that industry, right?

It's like you gotta wait until your gigs and you're either just traveling or sitting around like fucking do something with it, you know?

But I think aside from sports, it's the only other like industry where it's like you can go, go, go. You have your career. You've been drafted or whatever. You're in your prime. Go now.

Do it. Yeah, but you could do this forever. I mean Don Rickles died. He was still doing shows. Joan Rivers. You'll be like a 90-year-old Upper West Side Jewish guy. Come see me at fucking the Stellar. Just some pickled beets in the back.

You're like, ugh, what is this rider? This is disgusting. Just eating borscht in my green room. And you guys will be old as shit doing this. And your success is cool to watch. You guys are killing it. Yours has been around long enough that it's show business. You're on stage.

You can do that forever. Old podcasting is going to be weird. It's going to be. We don't know. Old comedy is weird, too. I'm going to have to be like a Vegas guy. Yeah, I guess that's what. Yeah, you eventually settle into your right.

I'm wearing like a velvet blazer. Yeah. You're like, this is fucking. We brought our kids. What are you doing? I want you to have a residency when you're like 75 in vegas on the street george wallace yes yes if you could do a residency in any city what would it be i mean other than new york i was gonna say new york is

perfect ah geez that's tough i mean i weirdly i had a really good vibe in san diego just because the crowds were so good and they really just got my humor so I love San Diego which is a weird answer but SF is great New York is New York is awesome I have a great time in Boston

I have a great time in Philly any like cool big city, I mean Austin's great I was never into Austin. I've only been once. I'm only there for a day or two at a time, so I'm not living there. I don't think I could live there. But, I mean, shit, I had a fucking great time in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

They were wild. I love doing the road. I just love it. All right. Well, go get the tickets. I mean, we've said it a million times. You're one of the best joke writers out there one of the best

you guys are great it's the easiest one to do that's what we it just it flies by yeah that's what we strive for good stuff man

appreciate you bro that was so easy that flew by សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.