KFC Radio - Mr. Bookman Is Coming Ft. Tony Hale

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - The Rock said that KFC Radio is destined for greatness - We've got good vibrations - Mr. Bookman who lived in the basement below KFC - Feits is a wreck - Guy who got duct-taped on the airplane after causing a commotion - Am I The A**hole - not wanting to give my late husband's sperm to his parents - putting a ziplock bag of my roommates' poop on his bed after he pooped on the bidet - Voicemails - grow an inch of hair OR baby crying - hottest thing a girl has done - most embarrassing sex story - 01:44:13 Tony Hale on the afterlife, being a nice person so it's easy for the person who writes your eulogy, Lucille in Arrested Development and being a "B*tchy Mime" Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Where the fuck am I? Fuck! It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Clancy and Feidelberg. And this is the greatest show. Can't play the song anymore. You're going to get in trouble.

But it's the greatest. And it has been proven by Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Whatever The Rock says goes. That's literally the world. That's just a fact. When Dwayne Johnson speaks, people listen. His opinion matters. He's one of the most followed men

on the internet. Number four, I believe. I thought it was number two. Nah, it's like fucking cristiano what i saw the list i saw was was instagram cristiano the rock oh really yeah i i could have sworn like kylie or no check it out bro check it out hey oh oh oh oh i see i see i see instagram accounts okay yeah maybe i saw. Dude, Ronaldo having that three handle, 300 million. Pays to be hot. The Rock at 251, man.

So the Rock is the most followed American. Throw that out there. That's all that matters. Yeah, fuck all these other countries. But the Rock, so he tweeted at us the other day. That's what we're talking about. He said that we're destined for greatness. There's not many celebrities that I will geek out over at this point.

Wait, did he say we were destined for greatness? Yes. Really? Yeah. I said, what about the podcast that we had? I said, so here's what happened. We had Rocky Dale Davis Jr. on last episode. You listened.

His big break was that The Rock heard his act and liked it and posted it and said, you're destined for greatness. Okay.

So we posted that clip. I knew I'd heard the phrase. Yeah. We posted that clip and I tagged him really like kind of strategically being like,

there's a chance The Rock might retweet some of this because Rocky is his boy. And he did just that. He quote tweeted and said, yep, true story. Keep on grinding, some shit like that. You know, keep working your ass off.

Greatness is ahead of you. So then I hopped in the comments of that, and I said, hey, Rock, also the podcast that was interviewing Rocky, they're destined for greatness as well, right? And he said, hell yeah, greatness. With the cheers emoji. So, ipso facto,

KC Radio is destined for greatness. So says The Rock who has never heard of this podcast, never listened to this podcast, doesn't know who we are. Oh, it disagrees. It's his favorite show. Favorite show ever. It must be. The Rock doesn't just throw this around. He very clearly would only give the greatest tag to the... He doesn't just reply to people on Instagram and social media for clout.

Never. For his reputation. For people to talk about him. Never. No, he is only doing this because he believes in us. He would never throw around – you get like five greatnesses per year that you can label. Your dinner one night is really great. Your favorite TV show is Greatness.

All right, you got your favorite comic. Now his favorite podcast? Yep. KFC Radio. It's all he listens to in the gym. When you see him in those big fucking – When he's like – He's got the rock, beats, hands on with the bull on the side.

Yep. There's one thing playing in his ears. When he's flexing, he's putting up – Let's talk about our dicks. The bar is bending. He's like, yeah, fart on that dick. See? See how embarrassing would that be if the rock was like, all right, yeah, fart on that dick. See? See how embarrassing would that be if The Rock was like, all right, let me check out this show.

And we tuned in and you were talking about farting on dicks. Is that what you want The Rock to hear? I think Rock would find that funny. You think The Rock would like that? He'd be like, man, I like a good vibration too. Good vibrations. We need to Photoshop Fight's face in a little Marky Mark good vibrations. We might need a good vibration shirt.

We might need a good vibration shirt just so that it's not like it's going to sell out like wildfire. But there will be people, KC Radio fans, walking around with a good vibration shirt where people are like, Hell yeah, man, good vibrations. They do not know what's going on. Put it on the ass of pants like Juicy. Just talking about tooting, man. And it could be any kind of vibration. It could be a toot.

It could be your fucking remote control. You ever when you're playing video games and you get the fucking rumble stick? Yeah, I fucking put that right on my piece. Why are you crashing into the wall so much? Never mind. Don't fucking ask questions. I'm just not good at Mario Kart. Fuck you.

That's great. I'd fucking sit on the rumble package. Jesus H. I just play on my fingers. You really, really did this, huh? You got some specifics out here, dog. I didn't play enough video games. I don't think I even had a rumble

pack, but I would. If it was there, I'd do it. Did you say toot? Toot, yeah. What did you call farts when

you were a kid? Didn't talk about them. Didn't talk about them? No. Like as a family? No, fuck no.

No? Fuck no. What did you call farts as a kid, Nick? I mean, I'm sure we called them farts. We didn't have anything. i'm sure we call them farts we

didn't have it yeah i think i'm not saying like it was a banned word in our house and we like it was not allowed but yeah we despite what i've become we were not we were not a like joke about farts and poop family end product well you weren't for so long i know it's just within the last like three years that you changed yeah it's just i don't know you know it's like they say like you know you're born uh democrat and you die republican say you're born Democrat and you die Republican. You're born not talking about poop stuff and you die immersed in it. I just eventually realized nothing matters. I'm not doing anything else but this.

Nothing fucking matters. Oh, you used to not say it for reputation purposes? Not even that, but just like, I don't know. I just, I don't know. I don't know. I basically realized nothing matters. Like, I i will i'm never in my life i'm never gonna have a resume i'm never gonna apply for a job so like who gives a yeah no it's like who gives a fuck n word

like you know eventually you're gonna die matt damon was right he shouldn't have stopped saying it. Matt Damon's a pussy. Yo, Matt Damon, he's a big fat. That is what's so funny about that story is that it's like if you were to still throw that word around, you would use it there. You know what I mean? You'd be like, oh, you're being such a little, you know? Oh, great. Cancel, cancel.

We went right into maybe something The Rock would layer to. Oh, let's not show this one to The Rock. Could you imagine? Could you imagine if The Rock tuned in because of all the tweets and we did this bit and he was getting a kick out of it. And he was like, you know what? Let's get these guys involved with Rocky Dale too. And then it was like, Matt Damon was right.

He was like, well, never mind. Can't do it. Can't do it. And imagine if we just never knew. Imagine if for 30 seconds The Rock co-signed us and we lost it. And we find out I'm a deathbed. Stay true to myself. I don't sell out for nobody.

I would sell out for The Rock so fucking fast. I'd sell out for The Rock. He could offer me a rumble pack, and I'd be in. What's the contract? Yeah, yeah, there you go. Fine. I don't geek out over, like, especially not Twitter, like, mentions.

There was a time early on where, like, if a celebrity or a blue check tweeted at you, it was like, oh, shit. See that? Yeah. So-and-so responded. And we're lucky enough that we've gotten to the point where. Bro, I got excited about Biz once. Right, right. There was a time where Biz nasty moved the needle.

Imagine that. And even Whitney replied to being, like, fucking chilled. Yeah, right. And Whitney was like, holy shit, Biz read this article or something like that. Shut up, pussy. And he was like, dude, everyone in the NHL reads your shit. Shut up and move on. Yeah, yeah.

But we're lucky enough that we've had enough interaction with people on social media that doesn't really happen anymore. But The Rock was one that I was like, whoa. I texted the group like, holy shit, The Rock quote tweeted a tweet. And then when he just straight up replied to me so he he quote tweeted that and then replied to me and then commented on rocky's posts like that's like three separate times that he was like pushing you know rocky and then what the show rocky was on like he really likes rocky ride that fucking wave rocky um but yeah i was trying to think of other, like who else could a tweet really send you?

Oh, I mean, there's a long list. It's just. Really? Yeah, yeah. Really? I don't think it's long for me. That could like gas you up, like holy shit.

Paul Walker won. Well, that would be, yeah, I think that would be pretty fucking stunning for anybody. Like when Brady first started interacting, that was a big one. Now it's like, if you were to tweet now, I don't think it would be that crazy, right? I mean, it's Brady, yeah. Especially if it was a personal reply. Yeah, I'd fucking come to my tweets.

But it is, you know, he's chit-chatted with us enough that it's like not that crazy. But not us personally. I'm us personally. We're talking personal. Yeah, like reply to your tweet. Yeah, that's... But he kind of did. Did he say thank you for your service? He did thank you for your service,

and then he did the Savage the Boys thing. So I guess he's done like... That's pretty fucking good. Yeah, but still not Tommy. Tell you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knows who I am. I thought you were saying Tommy in a weird way right there.

Tommy? Jesus Christ. Now he's Tommy. Tommy. Yeah, no, you haven't gotten that personal reply. I mean, I would get gassed up for, man, I don't know, like truly like, oh, my God. Fall Out Boy. Sure.

Just their official account. Just their social media manager. Yeah, it's not even that. That could probably happen man They probably follow you For all you know No I know

That's the thing So many things have been Kind of like bastardized By like Like I don't even know If that was I feel like The Rock Actually does run his shit

Or he just has someone Who tweets and posts Like in his exact You know Style Yeah I think Because he doesn't use it enough I think he uses Instagram

Twitter I feel like It's like If you are a celebrity That doesn't need the internet, like you use the internet to promote your movies and have a little bit of a social footprint. So if you don't do basically what we do and live off the internet, and you're on fucking Twitter, you're the dumbest asshole on the planet. Twitter is you know horrible I would never be on Twitter if I didn't have to be on Twitter

I agree with that I dream of I forget it's fucking the end of a Henry James novel I forget which one it is but the woman floats out into the sea that's how she dies so to speak the awakening?

yes it is the awakening right? I don't think that's Henry James is it James Joyce? no it's a woman wrote that That's how she dies, so to speak. The Awakening? Yes, it is The Awakening, right? Yeah. I don't think that's Henry James. Is it James Joyce? No, it's a woman wrote that. What is going on? Are you guys punking me? What's happening right now? What is happening?

I thought it was Henry James. Whatever. But she just floats out into the ocean. Yeah. I'd love to do that in the Twitter world one day. Where it's just like, I'm just gone. Disappear? I just disappear.

Like you don't deactivate your account or anything? You just like, you just... No, I'm just gone. Disappear? I just disappear. Like you don't deactivate your account or anything? You just like, you just... No, I would deactivate. So I guess that's not quite floating. That's really a bullet

to the head. Yeah, yeah. That's a cut to Black Sopranos. Yeah. Whatever. Either way, I just want to die.

I mean, there was a... Jar! Show the people the new Jar. I actually might have a dollar on me today. Yeah, put it in.

Shout out to Scooby Dooby Doo. He is the one who donated this new jar. That's a nice jar. Jar number two, Ryan Shuby. Yeah, you are, you are, we thank you. You have my checkbook on me too, so I almost wrote a check for a dollar. It's going to end up being like the briefcase in Dumb and Dumber. You know what my checkbook looks like?

It's exactly what you thought. Oh, my God. You don't even have any more, though. You're out. No, I think I have one more. Feidelberg went with the – Is that just the default? It has his mom's name on the check.

It's so old. It's from an address. I live in Hemingway Street in Boston. That is funny, though, because you did have the linked account. And also the – yeah, oh, yeah, it's still linked. It's just I have all my money now. You have one check here, but it's written for $905.99. What do you think that is?

That is definitely rent in Boston. That's because that's – I had $ rent in Boston. That's because that's... $900 for rent. That's pretty good. Did I put a date on it? No. I would think I at some point lived in an $1,800 apartment. I definitely did.

I don't know if it was $1,800 exactly. I lived in something in that price range. What was your guys' cheapest apartment? $800 in Hoboken. It was great. Three guys. $800 in Hoboken. $800? It was great. Three guys, $2,400 total. We had a backyard.

We all had a bedroom. The problem was I lived right above a guy named The Bookman. This dude. So this apartment was old and this wooden door to the apartment that like would expand and you had to kind of like jam your way in so things like that that weren't like great and like old old um what do they call appliances and linoleum on the floor but like for what we were we were fresh out of college it was my first apartment that i moved out of home for it was in hoboken downtown backyard my backyard, my own bedroom, big space.

Couldn't ask for more. But the book man lived underneath us. And I remember – so my two buddies moved in. There was three guys living in the apartment. And then one dipped out and I filled in. And so I got his bedroom. And so the two guys who had already lived there they were like uh just to let you know our downstairs neighbor is a little bit weird and i was like we're on the first floor and

they're like yeah he lives in the basement okay and again this is an old building so it's not like it's a furnished basement it was like a cellar really it was like a cellar man like the the uh so like my and my room was like directly in line with like the entrance so if you imagine like a backyard of this like i think it was a three-story building so it wasn't like an apartment building it's a little house and you had to like go down these steps to get into this door and like that's where my window was it was like right by the steps to get in So he was going like into the cellar right underneath my bedroom. And we called him the book man because every so often, a few times a week, he would just be going, where the fuck are my books? Shut up.

My books. They're missing. Where the fuck are my books? Bro, that dude was a prisoner. And he did not get the new library cart to come by. This dude was crazy. I legit think, like, that might have been it. Maybe in his mind, he was, like, still living in a prison.

And, like, he was in a prison. No, because we would see him. Like, we would would then then you know i would be leaving the apartment and he would come up and i would walk out and it'd be like hey man you know hi that wouldn't be hey man hello hello just totally normal presumably went somewhere to work and then came home you know lived alone presumably paid rent to you know live there lord i hope it was like no more than like a hundred dollars a month but you know i think he had a life but clearly like a schizophrenic psychotic multiple personality flipped the switch when he went down there and just became the book man so i don't know what it was i mean we used to joke it was like seinfeld you know remember the episode with the bookman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This dude just would

scream, where are my books? And every now and then, you have a girl over and the bookman goes off. It's just bookman, don't worry. Get back down there. It's just bookman. This guy's going to come kill us. Better hurry up then.

Better finish up and have a book ready. Better run from a book. I remember thinking... You told people that you were... You guys should have read people like that. Yeah.

You had people over and you just... Whenever he yelled you guys just started scrambling. Find the books! Find the books! Oh, he's read that one!

He's read it! Catcher in the Rye! No, we gave him that last time! Get him the Gatsby! He! He's read that one! Catcher in the Rye! No, we gave that last time! Get him the Gatsby! He'll love Great Gatsby! What do you mean? If you don't have a book, he's gonna kill you! You have a fucking book ready in 45 seconds!

Your book is coming! You're gonna enter a world of pain you've never experienced! This is not a drill! This is not a drill. This is not a drill. Find a book. Find a novel of any kind. I would jump out a window.

If you did that when I was in the apartment, I would use you as a gift. Like I can't fall out a window. I just sprinted fucking right through the glass. Fuck, I have a book on me. I'm in a apartment with 22-year-olds. I'm going to be a bookkeeper for at least six to eight years.

Your best bet is like a phone book or something from the past, a Bible or some shit. Could you imagine a receipt starting to write a tale? Here's my book. There was once an orange diamond. Imagine the book

the book man shows up. You know you hear him yelling about books we scramble and he comes up into the room right? He comes up in the apartment

with his fucking AK and it's like you have to present it to him. So it's like here's you know he looks at the book he's kind of like okay you're good. Looks at it flips he's like thinking about it he's like you have to present it to him. So it's like here's the, you know, he looks at the book, he's kind of like, okay, you're good.

Looks at it, flips, he's like thinking about it, he's like, okay, you're good. He gets to you and you're like, you have like a magazine. Here's Maxim. And he looks at it, he's just like, bread!

Just one to the head. Pow, you're dead. Where's the next book? Imagine having to offer up. You have sacrificial books because the book man's coming. We should have left piles of books at his door in the hopes of one day when he does come, shoot the place up.

Like Billy Madison. He's going to cross our names off. These guys gave me books. They're all good. He's from 1B. He's in jewelry. The book man, dude. Oh dude oh man he was a fucking trip my apartment doesn't compare to that at all now 800 bucks and i was like this is a steal i was

like well and there's a homicidal maniac living beneath you so maybe not i i had one in tallahassee that i couldn't even tell you the villa cortez where i got robbed and then i did uh i did in southie i lived in that dilapidated building that was i don't i honestly don't even tell you the Villa Cortez where I got robbed. And then I did in Southie. I lived in that dilapidated building. I honestly don't even know if I paid rent. You lived in tenements multiple times. Yeah. Dude, it was my buddy's friend's uncle bought the building,

and it was cheaper for insurance to have people living in it. But it was also condemned. It was condemned, right? Yeah. So we had to, like, I think he was just like just throw me cash whenever and i don't think i ever did throw them cash it was just like yeah throw them through him cash it was it was uh it was like it was i was coming home i would come home from the blackout tour and david was like i wasn't on payroll they would just like hand me like a wad of cash yeah

and i would just i don't know i'd break off 50 bucks but like like like the showers didn't work so like i had to join a go in a gym to shower. So I would, like, go to the gym by the Milton office, and that's where I would, like, take my showers and stuff. My shower, my whole life just changed. So Jeff D'Lo, I owe him a debt of gratitude. Jeff D'Lo tweeted about how he bought that TikTok shower head with the beans in it, the beads.

And I was saying, like, there's no way this fucking thing works. And then so I was on the chat, on the thread, because I replied. And someone tweeted at him, here's all you got to do to get better water pressure. And it was just a TikTok video of someone unscrewing it, and you just remove this little plastic ring, and it controls the water flow. So, like so like you know i had a little ring this big you take it out now it's like that big made all the difference in the world and you you see my shower with ears right yeah yeah i was trying to find video of it on twitter if any of you uh remember a tweet that i that what i said i was searching water pressure shower shower pressure shower head i couldn't find any because there were times where it was

literally trickling like just like individual droplets of water was what i was showering with and i last night midnight i saw this thing got out of bed to do this i was so excited really i was like this could change my life it's fucking midnight i unscrew that bitch just got a screwdriver and just popping it out screw it back on full normal ass water pressure now life changing legit that's a life changer like what's a little thing in your life that could change your happiness level like imagine if you didn't have air conditioner and you got it channel worms um where do we begin Let me write a book. But like if you – Dave has that – he wants to write that book or not write that book. Open up that business where you review like hotels and it's called air pressure – air conditioning and water pressure.

And that's like it. That's the only ranking for the hotel room that you're in. I mean those are two things that can absolutely change your life. If you didn't have air conditioning, you don't have water pressure. I keep my shit icy cold and I never had a nice shower. Now I can shower well. That's like – I mean that's a huge piece of my life that's going to just be radically different now. Yeah.

I mean I still have – But today, I hung out in the shower. I have my phone in there with me. I put on a podcast. I was texting people. I was just dancing. It was amazing because I was like, I'm going to be in this for 45 minutes now. It's like I'm not to be in this For 45 minutes now I was like I'm not leaving

I'm not leaving And then The trials and tribulations Of having your landlord Be a family friend of yours He sees all my Instagram videos And he texts me And he's like

Let's hope the neighbors Downstairs don't see this They'll complain about The water bill And they fucking would They're the type Who absolutely would. And I would fight back being like, I've been getting pissed on

up here. My shower has been pissing on me for fucking two years. We're splitting the fucking bill. I deserve some water pressure. Anyway. I guess if we're doing the air conditioning thing, if anyone knows how to do this but with an air conditioner

that you just plug into that you kind of plug into with like the kind of the exhaust pipe yeah that'd be great you got one of those just not working yeah i've been sleeping on a couch for three months bro bro the other day the other day i woke up on my couch like this you've seen my couch like an l couch yeah yeah don't have to see it you picture it um do you know what an l looks like? I'm going to see if I can do it on this table. I don't know if I can because it's not quite an L. But I was sleeping like this. John is

now walking around the table out to the front. I know he's not the most nimble or flexible so this could be dangerous. He's hopping up onto the wooden table. He's sleeping. He's about to do like a push-up it looks like. He's sleeping across. He's making...

John has turned himself into the hypotenuse of a triangle. Rather than sleeping on one piece of the L or the other, he's putting his body across the open space of the L-shaped couch like a goddamn moron. Well, the thing is... That's just how I... Good save, Jackie. Good save, Jackie.

The thing is, I can fit on the couch. Yeah, the thing is, the thing, that's just how I... Good save, Jackie. Good save, Jackie. The thing is, I can fit on the couch. Yeah, I'm sure you can. You're not a giant. I just woke up like that. And like my, even in my sleep, my muscles knew to flex.

I was going to say, were you flexing? I was like planking and my butt was flexed and my calves were flexed. Planking in your sleep. And my quads, everything was flexed.

I'll tell you what, that's better though. You know what the alternative would be if your body like bent in that way oh my god you would wake up you wouldn't walk again if your spine was bent

the wrong way for like 8 hours while you slept forget about it bro it was it was fucking I mean it's crazy

it's crazy that is absolutely crazy I would sleep on the couch since when did it stop getting warm probably got warm in like April okay so longer than 3 months maybe let's say May That is absolutely crazy. I would sleep on a couch since – when did it stop getting warm? Probably got warm in like April. Okay.

So longer than three months maybe. Let's say May. May. Okay. So May, June, July. Okay. Yeah. A little over three months. I would sleep on a couch.

Because the air conditioning in my room doesn't work. Have you checked like a filter? Yeah. I don't even know what a filter is. There's got to be – There's probably somewhere. There's got to be somewhere that a tray comes out. It has dust that collects.

And if that's full, then maybe the airflow is not getting all the way through. If you think I'm going to do anything, you're nuts. I've been sleeping on a couch for three months. You are an absolute dirt ball. Now I'm at the point where I'm just going to ride it out. Yeah, of course. Now it's like, yeah, you've got to make a point about it. It's August.

It's September. So two more months. I'll do five months on the couch. After that, I can go back to bed. And you wonder why me getting up out of a chair is like a goddamn steaming thing getting going. You've been sleeping on a half a couch for three months. It is. I'm a wreck. I'm a wreck.

I'm a wreck. You're an absolute asshole. But pales in comparison to the biggest asshole on the internet right now. We'll talk about him. The plain douchebag. Have we not done an ad read yet? Nope, not yet. This is, what, a half hour?

Yeah, we got to get to work. We got to pay some bills. Yeah, we are. We got to pay some bills. We're also making our job a lot harder for us. Way longer. We have to keep some bills. Yeah, we are. We got to pay some bills. We're also making our job a lot harder for us. Way longer. We have to keep talking for a while. Sometimes I think when we have like a three-hour episode that they must all be sitting there like, shut the fuck up.

We're like, oh, and that reminds me. No, it fucking doesn't. Shut the fuck up. But the biggest asshole on the internet, we'll talk about him. He's also probably the type of guy who doesn't use HelloFresh. Because if you don't use HelloFresh, you're an asshole. You're an idiot. You like your life to be more difficult than it needs to be.

You like your life to be more expensive than it needs to be. You like your life to be less tasty than it could be. Because HelloFresh is the number one meal kit company in America that sends you all the ingredients you need to whip up your own home-cooked gourmet meals. We're talking Kraft burgers, steak dinners, all sorts of different, like if you're a vegetarian, you got it. If you're keto, they've got you covered for that. You could be a single person, a couple, a family. They got all different sizes.

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every night of the week as long as you want it. And you don't have to shop. You don't have to even really have groceries individually delivered. It's just like everything in that box is what you need for those meals so you don't waste – because I'm the type. Like if I were to – I would go on a cooking kick when I was living with the bookman and I would be there. I'm going to cook my meals this week and I'd buy everything I need and it's like way more than I need. Most of it goes to bed. Yeah.

It goes bad or it's like I wanted to cook – I wanted to make some breaded chicken cutlets. So I bought this tub of fucking breadcrumbs and now that just sits there for the next year. You know what I mean? You don't need all that. So this is perfect for if you're single or – it's perfect for everybody to be honest. But if you're single or if you are a working parent in a family, like you got to cook for your kids. You got HelloFresh. Or you teach your kids to do it.

They can do it. Or if you're living by yourself and it's like I don't need a whole family's worth of food, but I don't want to take out anymore, so I just go with HelloFresh. Surf and Turf packs. They got bundles. So you can have the grilling pack, the surf and turf pack, all these different bundles. That's 28% cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store and 72% cheaper than at a restaurant. That's – I mean 72%. It's the best part of being back from the Jersey Shore.

Maybe the only good part is that I'm back on my HelloFresh tip because I paused my meals while I was not here a lot. That's the other thing you can do is you can choose your frequency and you can pause it and resume it. So if you go away, you don't have to worry about it. If you want to up the frequency, you can. You want to scale it back, you can. And right now using – I mean they just and resume it. So if you go away, you don't have to worry about it. If you want to up the frequency, you can. You want to scale it back, you can. And right now using, I mean, they just keep raising it. Last time it was KFC 12. Now the promo code is KFC 14.

You get 14 free meals when you go to HelloFresh.com slash KFC 14. Use promo code KFC 14. You get 14 free meals plus free shipping, which is a big deal because it's a box of heavy ingredients, so that would ordinarily cost you, not when you use our URL and our promo code. It's hellofresh.com slash KFC14, then use code KFC14 at checkout for 14 free meals. If you're just cooking your meal instead of ordering your food,

it's two per, so hang on. I actually did the math wrong. It's shocking. 28 times 15. If there was a gun to your head and you had to do like a mathematical equation, you would just be dead, right? Yeah. It's like depending on how much your order is, it is about $1,200 to $1,400 promo code. That's a diesel fucking deal. Instead of ordering your fucking food, dude, that's

14 meals. 14 meals times 2 for 28 times 40. It's a ton of free food. I can't even, I can't do the math for it. So I can't do the math for it, but it's a ton of free food. 12 to 1,400 bucks free. I assure you, it's awesome food. Literally everyone I know who

has it loves it. There's no complaints. It's awesome. I can't stress it enough. Get HelloFresh. You're welcome. Before we move on to the next segment, make sure you subscribe, like, and leave a comment below. You are the mathematician, huh? It's bad, man.

It's bad. Oh, shout out to Josh who's been doing, we call them the KFC Radio Brain Busters. If you follow along on our social media channels, he walks around the Barstool office and he quizzes the employees with simple math, simple spelling, history, geography, and you can find out who's dumb and who's smart. I've been the smartest of the bunch, and Josh is hyping me up. He's gassing me up, telling me, he's like, you got simps on TikTok who think you're so smart. And Josh will say things like, you know, like, KFC's fucking smart, man.

He gets all these questions right. And then there are people in the comments who are like, these are basic elementary school questions. Like, you guys need to raise the bar if this is really impressive. They're basic elementary school questions that I...

Yeah, we don't know. Yeah, that you never have to use ever again. But I got them up here, bro. I was not good at measurements. I don't know that shit. Quarts and pints and ounces and all that stuff. I went three for three on total guesses. Yeah?

Really? Shots in the dark. I knew how many feet were in a mile. I know that stuff. I know, like, the memorization. 300-something? 300. What?

John, how many feet are in a mile? This motherfucker said 300? 3,000. Still not right. But you thought 300 feet? That's a football field. That's 100 yards. Okay, that's what I was thinking.

Well, that's very different than a mile. That's what, a half mile? A football? Sixteenth of a mile. A football field is a half a mile, John? Football fields are long as shit. Bro, think about how stupid you are, okay? Think about this.

People run the 40-yard dash in a matter of, let's say, four seconds, right? So let's say 40 yards would be two football fields, right? Not quite. What you're saying, if a football field is half a mile, two football fields is a mile, right? That means that you would think that people could run a mile in roughly 20 seconds. Yeah. That's one of your dumber moments ever.

It's 5,280 feet. A little more than 300. A little more than 300. This is why it's great. Brain Busters is fun. And I think that people are starting to hate Josh walking around. He comes around with his camera and it's like the camera of death. I was thinking the football field. The football field is 300 feet.

And that's what – Yes, not a mile. That's where – Yeah. It was somewhere in there. Yeah. I don't know if it's really a defense. You know what was funny too?

This was a funny answer from John. Josh goes, all right, there's a car driving 60 miles per hour, and then there's another car driving 60 kilometers per hour. Who's driving faster? And John goes, the car. per hour and then there's another car driving 60 kilometers per hour who's driving faster and john goes the car yeah but you thought it was some trick question like a horse versus a car and obviously the car is driving fast the car and he goes no no they're both cars that what you were thinking of is when people do like what weighs more a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks but i

wasn't because that answered that's the same thing The answer is Well no it's not the answer What weighs more a ton of money or a ton of brush? They're the same But what it would be What you were trying to think of I think it would be like If a car is going 30 miles an hour And a horse is running 50 miles an hour Which is going faster

And somebody says the car because they think a car is faster But they told you the horse is running faster That's I think where you were trying to go i think you should be careful and don't ever try and figure out what was going on because you don't want to you don't want to unlock this access in your own no you don't want that i think i've referenced this movie a couple times in the podcast the movie the cell nobody else has ever really seen it it's j-lo and will ferrellLo and Will Ferrell. Vince Vaughn. Okay. J-Lo and Vince Vaughn.

It was Vince Vaughn trying to do like a psychological thriller because I think he wanted to like break out of his typecast. And the idea is there's like this – there's this like new technology where you can get inside the mind of killers. And you like literally go inside of it. So J-Lo is like inside this like dungeon because that's what it's supposed to be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just remember inside the serial serial killer's head there's a horse and this thing falls down it and it slices the horse into these like slices and then it spreads them apart weird shit anyway

that's like you don't want to use that i'd rather get inside the mind of a fucking serial killer than get inside that yeah well mine's a little more tame. But there's just like circus music playing. Yeah, tumbleweeds. Yeah, there's not much happening, you vapid mimbo. You vapid mimbo of a man. That movie was, I think, bad. I liked it, but I think it was terrible. I was like, that was deep.

That was like a thriller. That was deep. I think it's supposed to be like Silence of the Lambs. You use it to find the other serial killer. I was like, just show me that ass, J-Lo. Come on. Okay. 6.4 out of 10 is not so bad.

It's failing. Barely. 64, 65. But in a movie sense, that's not failing. What do you think is a bad movie? 5 out of 10? 5 and below? I would say probably 5.

Like 5 and up, you're thinking it's worth watching. Yeah, I think probably 4. 4, I'd be like, yeah, would say probably five. Like five and up, you're thinking, it's worth watching. Yeah, I think probably four. Four, I'd be like, yeah, this is probably garbage. But if you think about, like, if you were to think about the antiquated, because I wouldn't do this anymore, scale of ten for women, a four out of ten is like a dog. Yeah, yeah. But I'm still a fucking five.

Yeah, you're a fucking five? I don't know. We're going to get in trouble. I don't think we're going get in trouble I don't think we're gonna get in trouble But it's like I I I mean it's just like

I remember dude There was a time We skated on this Like Like last year I remember I just blatantly Asked a question I was like

Have you ever Have you ever fucked a 200 pound chick And we started talking like Openly about it And I was like I mean it was It was mean It was rude

It was rude I think what we're talking about Was on Clubhouse I think that we're talking about was on clubhouse. I think that's why we skated. Was it? Yeah, it was. I was like,

I'm trying to remember that. Cause we're probably not going to skate on it now. I remember like literally mentioning weights. Like what about one 60? What about one 70? Then there was a bunch of people. There was, I did get a little blow back of like some people being like,

well, I weigh 150 pounds. Like fuck this guy. And I was like, yeah, this is pretty bad. Keep it on club. How about clubhouse, man? Howback of some people being like, well, I weigh 150 pounds. Like, fuck this guy. I was like, yeah, this is pretty bad. Keep it on Clubhouse. How about Clubhouse, man?

How about Clubhouse just like, gone. I don't know if anybody did get the bag off that. Were there Clubhouse people who – I mean, it's funny. When you think about those things being huge failures, it's probably still a company that somebody makes money off of. The guy who invented it is probably still super rich. You know what I mean? For sure. But it's like like still a company that like somebody makes money off of yeah like the guy who invented it's probably still like super rich you know what i mean for sure but it's like this thing it's like my face was like yeah i sold my company for 400 million dollars yeah it's like the the level you think of like failure is like yeah okay it's not like the best because that's the

thing it's like tiktok is like the best app right and then there's a whole bunch of apps otherwise and clubhouse didn't become t TikTok, but it's still fucking – I think we don't feel sorrow enough for the companies. We feel – everyone's always sorry about the companies that the pandemic put out of business. What about the companies that started during the pandemic and then – Thought they were going to kill it. And then reality put them out of business. Well, I remember people being like, TikTok's not going to last.

When people – that's fucking lasting. That is – that's here to stay. I think that one's established. There might be, like, maybe there's a little bit difference because you're not trapped inside all day. But it's, like, no, no, that's not going fucking anywhere, dude. Anyway, let's get to this fucking, we got to get going here. Yeah, we did it again. Yeah, we did it again.

The biggest asshole. You know, we can just roll this into, am I the asshole as well? But, um, this guy on the plane, man, I, I, I got like my secret confession is I like this guy. I just can't get enough of the first,

his opening line of the video. You guys fucking suck. That is so funny. And that's when you yell at your guy. Like that guy, that dude, that exact phrase, I could take him and transport him to a frat house or a college dorm or an apartment. And that dude, you've all been like pre-gaming and playing beer pong. And everyone else in the house has decided they're not going to go out. And he's the one guy who wants to rally people to go out

and everyone's like, nah man, I'm just tired. We're like, we're pretty fucked up, we're just going to stay in. And that guy's so mad that he doesn't have anyone else to go out with and he just goes, man, you guys fucking suck! None of you guys are, you're all fucking lame. None of you guys are cool except he's doing it on an airplane and he's about to be duct taped to his seat

for the next six hours because of it. He's just such a douche. Like, he doesn't specify. He's not... It's so hard. It's so hard. It's so great. I can't get enough of him. So anyway, if you don't know the story,

this guy was unruly on a plane yelling at everybody. Going to Florida, I believe. I'm sure it was like masks or vax or something was that that hand no i think this is just he's just drunk was he but you know what like started the beef all right i don't know answer that but like i think he was groping the uh oh well okay okay never mind i recant i don't like him i don't fucking like him i forgot about that yeah he groped at least At least two Flight attendants Okay And then he punches The guy in the face

And then they duct tape Him to his seat And they gag him With this fucking Tape over his mouth They tape his head To the backrest So he can't move

His fucking head It is It's kind of Cruel and unusual Punishment Not gonna lie He deserves it But it's harsh

He's an asshole Yeah He's a dickhead Son of a bitch. Because anyone who's like, everything on a plane is about minding your business. Yep. Everything about travel, mind your fucking business. The be normal mantra applies no more so than on a plane.

The higher you get up in elevation, the more it counts. Agreed. If you're an astronaut and you're being an asshole, it's like we're going to blast you into space. Yeah. Because you're being a dickhead and we're 65 miles above the planet Earth. So, like, anyone who causes any kind of scene on a plane is a real fucking dickhead. But there are parts of this kid, aside from the groping, that I think are – I'm not on his side, but I do feel for him. Like, this is over the top.

It's just over the top. It is And they're I think they're getting sued Or they're gonna get They're definitely gonna get sued This guy and his parents My parents are worth

Two million dollars My parents are worth Two million dollars Okay you're from Birmingham That's the only place That fucking matters at all Seriously Two million dollars

It's like growing up In poverty bro Yeah like You're on Frontier Airlines dude You're probably drivingier Airlines, dude. You're probably driving Hyundais with me, bro. I bought that with Discover Card, you fucking poor bitch. Yeah, $2 million ain't enough to brag, bro. No, look.

As a matter of fact, I think if you're dropping any dollar amount, you're not really like a baller. If the money's low enough, if you're rich and you're bragging about it, you're just like, I'm fucking rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not like, here's my net worth. Unless, I don't know, Bezos walks around and be like, I'm worth $136 billion. But if you can specify the number, it's a million fucking dollars.

Bro, if you're worth $2 million, your mom drives a Corolla. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Not even a Camry. You got a Corolla. She got it at a President's Day sale. I'm not kidding you. I'm not kidding you, man. If you have $2 million in the New York City area, you ain't shit.

You're really fucking not. It's not a big deal to have $2 million. It's crazy, but it's true. So, yeah, you better live in Birmingham, like Fight said, because otherwise you're like on food stamps. My parents are worth $2 million. All right, what was public school like, dude? Yeah. What was it like going to see a USF?

You fucking broke bitch. Yeah. Your mom's got a fucking – your mom also drives Uber on the side to make a little extra cash. When you turn 16, your card said, time to start paying your own way around here. And your parents just cut out a fucking cut out the classifieds,

circled a few jobs they might think you might like down at the pizza shop. Broke boy. You fucking poor asshole on a Frontier flight. Yeah, if you are on a Frontier flight, you cannot be bragging about money. That's it.

Facts. That's the end of it. You cannot be talking about money if you're on fucking Frontier Airlines. But you're a fan of this guy, huh? Aside from the rape, aside from the attitude and the personality and the existence, I like him. I'm just a fan of what he provided for the flight. Because, yeah, it's annoying at first, but then once you start torturing the guy, you're all having a good time. Then it's a rallying point.

It's like, man, you know, it's Frontier, so you're not getting the – you don't have the fucking personalized TV screen in the headset. You don't have any more snacks. They're barely serving alcohol. What are we going to do? We're going to torture this kid. Torture this kid. It's in-flight entertainment.

Once you're having fun, then like – I guarantee you they found a reserve of nips, and all the flight attendants started bringing them out. They were flicking the lights on up. They're like, everyone, hit your fucking flight attendant thing. Someone's playing music on their phone. That place turned into a fucking party because everyone was like, fuck this kid. Put the phone in a bowl.

You ever do that move when you need the speaker? Put your phone in a bowl. We're partying because we're killing this kid. It was a fuck this kid party at 30,000 feet, which is about a mile and a half. Football field up. I think that they need to have – because I was thinking, what do you do? I've seen people get duct taped down multiple times on viral videos, people who have psychotic breaks.

There was someone who I think was trying to open the door recently and it was going to kill everybody, so they duct taped their arms down. I think they need to have the stocks. Remember the stocks back in medieval days? Imagine if the stocks were just lo stocks? Oh, yeah. Back in medieval days? Imagine if the stocks were just looming in the back row. And they were going to throw rotten fruit at them. And that would be really fun. If you line up on the aisle and it's like there's a little line of tape and you have

to stand behind it and everybody just throw a tomato at that kid. That'd be a blast. Here's a rotten head of cabbage. You might remember it from your childhood lunches Your mom bought these with food stamps At the fucking bodega in the hood Poor bitch That kid

I guarantee it though Cause you know when people are like Good luck ever getting a job These parents were worth 2 million dollars Just for the job But like there's how many Unless his name goes Good luck ever getting a job. These parents were worth $2 million. Just get a job. But like there's how many – unless his name goes – you think his name is out there? Everything's out there?

So you think like a background check you're going to – Background check for sure. Because sometimes I see these things. If your name gets out there, then yes, because it's a simple Google search when you interview. But if it's like just your face, it's like getting banned from a stadium. It's like no one's going to remember this. Yeah, banned from a stadium. But once like, no one's going to remember this. Yeah, banned from a stadium. But once your name is out there, you're fucked.

I mean, it has like 12 million views. People just get off on plain behavior. Yeah. When there's a plain fight, plain rage, plain whatever. I mean, because I'm up there. Everyone's like, oh, good. I fought the person I can hate. Yeah. Because it is.

It's a rally. No one's going to get mad at you for saying that person's a dickhead. Almost everyone on the planet, if you call them a dickhead, someone's going to be like, well, I don't know. If you're rude in the air, you're good. There's something about when you're on a plane, there's a level of danger that's heightened a little bit. Like, come on. You can't crash the plane. You can't open the door.

We'll all die. And there's a level of misery that is completely understood and accepted and if you exacerbate either of those situations the safety or the misery on a plane you are universally hated and it's one of the only things you're right that the world can agree upon if you're a dickhead on a plane you are a dickhead you are the biggest dickhead in the world like other other places other times other things you might get the benefit of the doubt. You might get a free pass or whatever. If you're a dick on the plane, everybody hates you.

It's the one place that you have to have manners. You have to have manners. And he was such an asshole that it overshadowed sexual assault. Yeah. People forget. He was such a dick. Well, he also groped people. Yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. But he was such a dick and they're like well he also groped people but he was such an asshole

and the fact that they were overlooking the fact that he was basically like tortured Guantanamo style like he probably couldn't breathe

for six hours which they and unfortunately he got out of the tape at one point and the guy goes back and tapes him up again which

he's talking about that easy pal I was gonna say when I thought now that I know his name's out there and he's probably ruined he probably won't get a job and tapes him up again. He's talking about that easy, pal. I was going to say, now that I know his name's out there and he's probably ruined, he probably won't get a job, but in the long run, he'll probably get a settlement out of this. This guy's probably going to get make money off this. And he probably won't make money

in the long run because he will never get a job again, but he'll make money off this individual incident just because he can sue because they broke protocol. That's why they need airline stocks. We had the FAA agreed upon stocks. We put them in. That's just how it goes, man. So yeah, that guy, universally the asshole.

Let's find out who else. By the way, Nick pulled the clip up. We set it on the rundown just so people don't think, oh, you forgot the reference. The Sonny reference is there. Didn't want to reuse the reference. But yes, it is very much like in the Beat Bogs episode when Dr. Mandis Toboggan, what's he do?

He dabs the kid? Is that what it's called? Yeah. And he's like, drop acid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mandis Toboggan might be the greatest fake character, you know, fake name. That could be a top five at some point. Fake name, fake TV show.

We'll find out who else is an asshole on the internet with another edition of Am I the Asshole? It's brought to you by Miller Lite. You're also an asshole if you don't drink Miller Lite. Very simple. It's not even you're an asshole. It's just that you are a low-class slob. Yeah. You are a no-taste buffoon.

A high-calorie drinking idiot. Idiot. Yep, sure. Didn't have any other better words. Stupid head is what I was going to go with. Stupid poopoo head. Miller Lite, though, is once you see the light, you stick with Miller Lite because it's just a better beer with less filling, great taste, and it's more of like a – I'm not a big

– you have to drink craft beer or drink an IPA. Obviously, I like beers like Miller Lite. But I do think there's some level to like drink a real beer, man. Don't drink like a can of water. Have something with some hops to it, some taste to it. Get the barley in there. I don't know. Balls on my beer.

Yeah, make it – have a beer. Have a real beer. And that's what Miller Lite is. It's a fine Pilsner. It's a fine Pilsner beer. It's got the – look at that logo. That looks like something from the Olympics, man. Yeah.

It's like a – you know. It probably represents all the awards they've won for being an awesome goddamn beer. Absolutely. Fucking lube. I look at that and I'm like, give me Miller Lite right now. It's the original Lite beer. It's the OG one. And that ain't changing anytime soon, man.

So make sure you get your Miller Lite. Please celebrate responsibly from the Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and only 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. And right now you can get it delivered right to your door when you go to MillerLite.com slash KFC to find the options near you. I mean, unfortunately, wouldn't be surprised if we got to go back inside for a little bit or if some things shut down or if some things get restricted again. So make sure you stock up.

There are like three new things today. It's crazy. I can't decide whether it's going to get bad again or if we've just proven that we don't care anymore because it's like things are getting bad. Like the numbers are where they used to be and we're just not doing anything about it. They're higher, I think.

But you can always bang on the fact that you can go to MillerLite.com slash KFC to get yours and stock up in case something does happen. Before we move on to the next segment, make sure you do the thing we told you to do earlier. Because you didn't do it, I bet, because you're a son of a bitch. Subscribe, like, leave a comment below about how pretty I look. But, yeah, it's weird, right? It's like I think the deaths are all the way down.

So, like, that's the main thing. And hospitalizations. But as far as, like, new cases, it's like what we used to be i think the hospitalizations florida today officially is their highest day ever for hospitalizations not cases yeah it's like 60 000 listen listen florida fucking you know what you saw man you deserve this shit florida is like wow you guys can do your own fucking for real plugs bunny that shit we chops it off you know it's, go ahead. Do you, man. Someone said recently, like, look, it's just never going away, so just get used to it. Yeah, right.

I think the exact two is like, we're 50 small countries where we can just easily pass through each other's borders. Yeah. It's not going anywhere. Yeah. Everyone's got different laws. Until there's anything unified, which it can't be. This is just how it is. Did you see that they're paying snitches now?

Yeah, I saw that. That is a little bit Orwellian. I don't give a fuck. I'll snitch. Would you? I don't fuck you. If I was that kid, yeah. If I was the airplane kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd need a couple bucks. I mean, yeah, if you snitch, if you anonymously report someone you know is not vaxxed, you get entered into a sweepstakes to win $2,500. If I'm down on my luck, yeah, I don't think I'm snitching. I don't know anyone who is. I don't have the bad karma to snitch on anybody, you know? I don't know anyone who is.

I'm sure I do know, but they just don't openly say it. Have you seen people in Mississippi or whatever are dressing up in disguises? They don't want to catch backlash from their friends and family if you're going to get vaccinated. So they put on the fucking big nose, glasses, and mustache and show up to get their vaccine so that their neighbor doesn't know and call them an F word. Jesus Christ almighty,

man, it's getting ugly. You're an asshole if you shame anybody from fucking getting a vaccine. You're an asshole if you feel like you need to... I would just be like, I'm going to get a shot. Fuck you. But I don't know. I guess it is different. In some of these towns and places, you really do get shunned.

I'd just move. Yeah, for real. That's the sign that you need to go north of the Mason-Dixon line. That's the sign that the south ain't for you. I've met people down there just haven't even been to the north, and they'd be like, whoa, this is crazy. Yeah, you can just live normal up here. I don't have to say the N-word?

That's crazy. We're generalizing. We love the South. Take it or leave it. Am I the asshole for not wanting to give my late husband's sperm to his parents? What? I'm sorry. I really tried to think of a less silly title, but I couldn't.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, we froze his sperm so we could have children via insemination. If I think this is going where it's going, I do think there's a debate to be had. Okay. We froze his sperm so we could have children via insemination after chemotherapy. His parents were very involved in his treatment

and were aware that we were doing that. His treatment was unfortunately unsuccessful and he passed away on July 19th. Very sad. His parents asked me if I was considering being inseminated with his sperm and I said no. Then they asked me if I could transfer ownership of the sperm to them so they could use it to have grandchildren. I assume they're planning on hiring a surrogate for this, but I'll admit I was so surprised and confused I didn't actually ask. My gut reaction was that this is wrong and exploitative,

but not what my husband would have wanted. We froze his sperm because we wanted to raise a family together, and freezing his sperm seemed like a better option than adopting or using a sperm donor, not because he wanted to give his parents grandkids or just put his DNA out in the world for the sake of it. I'm also confused as to who they expect to raise this child or children as they're both in their 60s. The surrogate or one of their nieces or nephews?

My husband had no siblings, and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable doing it. It feels like they just want their bloodline to continue without any thought or practicality of it. Edit forgot to mention that they were angry at me for saying no. Edit number two. Turned off my messages. Okay. I don't think there's a debate to be had here. No, yeah, I don't think so either.

I was thinking if there was, I don't know, if there was, I mean, oh, let me try to play. I mean, you're saying that it's weird, right? It's weird. Yeah, like she's well within, right? It's weird. Yeah. She's well within her rights. She's right. The thing with technology and all this shit we got going on now is just fucking when I fucking mercifully die, just let me rest.

Delete this whole fucking thing. But you know what? But that's it. Delete KFC. We're gone. Poof. Poof. I got no interest in a legacy. Float us away from that Ella James book or whatever the fuck. But you know what? Delete KFC. We're gone. Poof. Poof.

I got no interest in a legacy. Float us away from that Ella James book or whatever the fuck you're talking about. Float away in that James Joyce novel, you losers. Fucking losers. I thought this thread deleted. This whole fucking stream is gone. You know what? I like that. Like the idea of like when John's dead.

You know when you can click on a quote tweet link And it just says this tweet has been deleted I just want that for John's life This life has been deleted Delete the tweet, delete the thread That's what I want my tombstone to say I did some shit here to kill time Don't think too much about it Not worth recapping

Not worth reliving The shit they did with Bourdain with his new, the fucking, uh... I forget what the name of it is. What's his new documentary called? What is it? They use his voice or something like that? Yeah.

They use his voice to make it say things that he never fucking said. That's fucked up. Like, just let the guy fucking be dead. So, that was actually... It was something that he wrote. They weren't just making up new shit. Okay.

That's not... So, it was like... They used, like, AI voice to read was something that he wrote. They weren't just making up new shit. Okay. So it was like. They used like AI voice to read his words that he wrote. Okay. That's a little different. That's a little different, but still I didn't say it. One of my favorite memes on the entire internet is that mummy, the mummy voice thing. It's one of the funniest things.

I don't know. ABC News did this thing where they recreated a mummy's voice. Okay. And they say like, the lead-up is, like, doctors and scientists were able to, like, manipulate his vocal cords to find out what the 7th century pharaoh would have sounded like. And it sounds like this.

And people just put, like, funny clips. But what's funny, the original is pretty funny. It's just like... So the original stands alone, but then people put music or they put behind it or you know whatever but the first one is like unless that was also able to mimic nessie's voice by recreating his mouth and vocal cords with a 3d printer it allowed them to produce a single sound now that i think was fake right

but if you can try to find the original i don't think it's far off from that Produce a single sound. Now that I think was fake, right? Yeah, I think that one was fake. But if you can try to find the original, I don't think it's far off from that. Anytime there's a funny noise. And it's so good because I can't remember the last one I noticed. But as soon as I saw like the mummy pop up, I was like, I know where this is going. And I knew like what had been in the news then. And I was like, oh, it's going to be that noise. And it still makes me laugh every time.

But, yeah, I agree that some of this deep fake shit and hologram, Tupac holograms and all these things, like, let a dead dog die. And it is an overused phrase, like, let him rest. Like, I'm not doing anything. But also, like, I don't. But you know what? It is funny. You're making money off me. I used to think rest in peace was like, yeah, I mean, he's dead.

What are you talking about? But I think the phrase applies now. It's like, leave that shit alone. I was going to say if there was maybe something like, let's say he did always want kids. And let's say he had a sister who couldn't have kids. And then they were like, we're going to do a surrogate or she was going to adopt. And now we can just have his his dna in the family or whatever i i do think there's probably a claim to like they're i mean his sperm is like a a piece of property let's say you know sure and it's like i guess it would go to your spouse but

maybe there's a legal claim that like the parents would own it or whatever it is weird to watch a little wanting wanting your dead sons come. Weird. Weird. A little sucks if you take the wife to court. Because like all – Give me that cum! Like she said, like what are you going to do?

You're going to die in 10 years. And what, we're going to put this kid in the system? Because I'm not taking it. When I saw that there was no other family and no siblings or whatever, I was thinking there could be a scenario where it's like we're gonna do this type of thing to try to get a kid ivf or whatever we might as well do it with like his but no but even that like you can't do it with someone in the family you still have to hire a surrogate and then you can adopt the kid from her yeah but like you can't fucking

get right you can't mix and match that batter yeah batter. Yeah. No, that's a fucking dark one, man. That's a weird one for sure. Let me just see. You're such a goddamn psychopath. That's some fucking shit. I feel like that's some shit that doesn't go off in, like, a mom's brain until there's, like, a marriage. And then mom's, like, some kind of snaps. And it's like, I'm going to be kind of bitchy.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. As soon as they get a ring. I think I'm going to be a bit of a psychopath yeah it truly is nuts i remember i used to say moving in with a girl is just like getting married so you might as well just like do the fucking party put the ring on it i swear to god it's like lord of the rings there's something about the ring it has some power that just changes them and then the kids forget about it then the kids it's like oh the person that i married is dead. That person is completely gone. That person does not exist anymore. I don't think there's – I'm trying to find like one comment that's like you're the asshole, but I don't think there's many. I don't think we got even a one.

Good for humanity. You're all logical. This one is a doozy. We'll wrap up here on this one. Am I the asshole, 21 male, for putting a Ziploc bag of my roommate, 22 male, putting a Ziploc bag of my roommate's poop on his bed after he pooped in the bidet?

I know this sounds bad, but hear me out. I'm in university, so we're across the pond. I'm in university and I've been living in a house with four of my friends, all 21 or 22 year old males for four years. We were all great friends and get along well most of the time. However, our one roommate, Darren, change the names, is quite messy. Darren regularly runs a tornado through the house after it's just been cleaned and leaves

rotting food everywhere. We share the bathroom upstairs and he never cleans it. He also does stupid things while intoxicated and doesn't take responsibility. Last year he threw out a perfectly good blender because he got so high he forgot to plug it in before turning it on and therefore thought it was broken. We called him out on his behavior. He usually denies it, makes excuses. He used to not be that bad, but his behavior has escalated over the past year.

Yesterday's where I drew the line. On Thursday night, Darren had a couple friends over, and they got wasted. I had to get up at work at 6 a.m., so I asked them to keep it down. They didn't, but I managed to fall asleep despite the noise. Sometime in the night, I woke up to them talking near my room. I heard Darren say something about him pooping

in the bidet. My bedroom is beside the washroom, but I was half asleep and figured I heard it wrong, just fell back asleep. Friday morning, I woke up, and there was a turd in the bidet. I wasn't about to clean it, especially not at 6 a.m. I thought maybe he was just incredibly intoxicated and he cleaned it when he woke up. When I got back to my house around 7 p.m., though, the turd was still in the bidet.

I knew Darren was home because I could hear him gaming all the time. Also, the shower had been used, meaning he showered with his turd in the bidet. I knew he was going to leave soon, and when he did, I put some gloves on, put the poop in a bag, and put it on his pillow. When he got home later that night, he was really upset, yelling about how gross it was to put his poop on his pillow. I told him it was gross of him to not only shit in our bidet, but to leave it there for the whole day. I also argued that I could have put the poop directly on his pillow, but I didn't. He says that he eventually would have cleaned it up, and that I should have put the poop directly on his pillow, but I didn't. He says that he eventually would have cleaned it up and that I should have

texted him first. He put the bag of turd in the bidet to prove a point, and now we're at a crossroads. It's sitting in the bidet as I type this, and he says that if I don't apologize, he'll put it in my bed. Two of our roommates and my girlfriend are on my side and say that he had it coming and shouldn't have been such a pig. My other

two roommates think that I took it too far and should have texted him to clean it up first, which makes me think I could be the asshole. All things considered, I'm not the asshole. Boy, this is a tough one. The case of the bidet turd. This is a fucking

doozy it is. I will tell you this much. If you poop in the bidet and you don't clean it, you are absolutely an asshole for sure. Absolutely an asshole. But, the and you don't clean it, you are absolutely an asshole for sure. Absolutely an asshole. But the minute you start playing these games, now kind of all bets are off. You know what I mean? You start to be this like vigilante poop bandit justice warrior where you're like, I'm going to put the poop here and put the poop there.

And now I think you've escalated it to a point that it didn't need to be. See, I don't think that's why he's the asshole. I think he's the asshole for, I mean, I guess maybe, I'm trying to think. I thought something I just kind of distracted. I don't know. Listen, he showered, right? But maybe he didn't see the turd. I feel like a shit in a bidet is hard to miss. I don't know.

I think you need to be made aware, especially if something happens when people are drinking. I think you need to maybe assume that they don't know something is there. I think it needs to be discussed and openly made aware. And then if nothing happens, then you can do what you want. And even then, I still don't think you should play poop games. I don't think you should play poop games. If you want to turn it into a game, then it's going to be a fucking game, man. Now all of a sudden it's like a prank war and it's like,

all right, you're going to put poop in my bed? Well, I don't even give a shit what the original thing was. I'm putting poop in your bed. I tend to agree with you. I hope The Rock is listening. The fact of the matter is that a bidet doesn't have a lid. So you walk into the fucking bathroom. Theoretically, but I don't know.

Listen, I was throwing a party in the bathroom the other day with my new water pressure. I was on the phone. I'm not looking at my bidet. It's also kind of crazy to have a fucking separate bidet. That's pretty. You know, not one of these like tushy ones you strap on. They've got the fucking separate porcelain bowl. They have it all over the place across the board.

Yeah, I thought that was like in Japan. They have it in the UK. I think bidet is a French word. Oh, definitely. Like in Japan They have it in the UK Yeah I think bidet is a French word Oh definitely The The I think that I don't know man

Like if I Was gonna pick it up I'd probably just throw it away But I wouldn't pick it up That's what I mean It's like I wouldn't pick it up I wouldn't text

I'm just not touching that It wouldn't be To prove a point Or to start a war So I think like I think I would I would Look I'm not fucking Picking up your shit But also like I can't pick a piss Next to start a war. So I think like – I think I would – look, I'm not fucking picking up your shit.

But also like I can't pick a piss next to someone else's shit. So something's got – in some way, something's got to go. It becomes so – it's like you're so offended by the poop sitting in the bidet, but you're willing to like pick up the poop and put it in a bag. And at some point, it's like – I know, and you're making, it's a matter of principle. You're making a point. You're rubbing the dog's nose in it. I get it.

But it's also like, man, you're being so extra about this. If you're so offended by it, how can you touch it and handle it and move it and put it there? You know, it's like you're just doing this to like you almost almost like he's relishing this now. I I'm firmly on his side. I just don't think I could do it. If I could, if I had the guy like the stomach to pick up a shit and put in the bag and put it on your bed. Oh, no, you don't. I'll do it.

Yeah, I don't think I would do that. Because I mean, if I do fucking I'm furious because I don't again, I don't have the stomach for it. So the first time I walk up at 6 a.m. as I have to wake up to a shit. I'm like, I'm pissed. I'm pissed don't have the stomach for it. So the first time I walk up at 6 a.m. I have to wake up to a shit. I'm pissed. I'm pissed if that's even in the toilet. Nobody flushes it. I'm fucking.

Well, you know what is a very important X factor here, and it really might sway my final decision, is that late night conversation he heard. Because if it's, holy shit, man, I'm so fucked up. I pooped in the bidet. That's one thing. Or is it like, I pooped in the bidet.

That's another thing. If you're so banged up and you're looking and you got two toilets and you're cross-eyed, so now you got four toilets and you just pick the middle one and sit down and poop and it turned out to be the bidet, I think that's actually kind of funny. In that case, I think I might laugh. Yo, dude, that's funny. If I came to you and I said, I was so fucked up, I pooped in the bidet. I thought it was a toilet, man,

and I pooped in the bidet. Did you pick it up right away? Well, that's the thing. You have to clean it up. But if it was a malicious poop in the bidet, then I guess all bets are off. You can do whatever you want to prove your point. If it was an accidental poop in the bidet,

and now the infraction is not the pooping but the leaving it there, then I think there needs to be like a, hey man, when I come home that turd better be gone before I start throwing poop around the house. But that also the other guy is definitely the asshole because

it's like, you just have to take that. It's in a bag, it's whatever. If you put it back in the bidet and you're like if it's not gone, I'm putting it in your bed. I'm like, what are you talking about, dude? I fucking picked up your shit. What are you talking about? It's coming in my bed. That is.

Just like this. You have to fist fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably should have to fight. You just have to fight. That guy. I would drag a fucking chair in front of my bedroom, and I'd sit there fucking every single night waiting for him to try and come in, and then I would throw him out a goddamn window. I might buy a gun.

I might illegally buy a gun in the UK and fucking shoot him in his face if he thought he was coming into my bedroom with his shit to put in my bed. I'll fucking kill a bitch. Yeah, that's true. I mean, once – I'd be asleep on the couch anyway, but don't put that shit in my bed. But I'm saying – okay, so maybe I'd be asleep on the couch anyway, but don't put that shit in my bed. But I'm saying, okay, so maybe I'm not saying you're the asshole.

I'm just going to say this was a reckless choice because, you know, play stupid games, get poop in your bed. That's the old phrase, you know? I just think that, like,

once you go down this road, all bets might be off because now we are behaving like absolute animals, like monkeys in the zoo throwing our shit around the house. So just be prepared because that because listen all's fair in love and war and poop games it's like i don't care who's right or wrong anymore now we're just putting shit in each other's bed so watch out all right voicemails let's do it i've been waiting for this

my whole life john i've been waiting this is for my whole career. I have been saying how we should get down with a telecom sponsor for the voicemails line since the beginning of KFC Radio. And who finally agreed with you? Mint Mobile, baby. The marketing genius himself, Mr. Ryan Reynolds. I mean, Ryan is listening. He's hearing us. The Rock is listening. Ryan Reynolds is listening.

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It's an unbelievable deal. And thank you to Mint Mobile for finally sponsoring the voicemail line. Let's do it. Hey, KFC, Fights, Nick, Jackie. I've got a little bit of would you rather here. Would you rather every time you come, all the hair on your body grows exactly one inch long. Wow. So that's your armpits, your eyebrows, your hair on top of your head, your pubes, everything, your leg hair, everything grows one inch longer.

So that's a lot of maintenance. Or every time you come, you have to put up with a newborn baby screaming for 30 minutes every time you come. Only you can hear the newborn baby screaming in your head and it's coming from all directions. Nobody's going to stop it and you can't really complain to anybody. Stop, stop, cut him off.

Cut him off. Cut him off. Goodbye. Hand wave. I'm like, Francesca, go shovel an old lady's walk. Get out of here. Listen, I might like the hair thing. Oh, the hair thing definitely has its benefits. Grow a hair or an inch of hair like that? For sure. I would love to grow

an inch of hair. You want to grow your beard in? Boom. Now you'd have to. I come in every grow an inch of hair. You want to grow your beard in? Boom, you got your beard. Now, you'd have to. I come in every fucking Monday. That's an easy trim, though, I feel like. Okay, but you have an inch of hair on your arm. That's a lot. You have an inch-long eyebrow. You have an inch-long mustache.

You got to keep inch hair, dick, ball, body, ass, back, chest, all that shit. You got a lot of hair that you need to trim. But it's also like, man, I just got a nice inch of flow. So you can combat the... I definitely have inch-long arm hair. It just doesn't look like it. I don't think I have an inch.

As soon as you come, you're getting another inch. And then another inch. There are ways where... If you have a big week, Nick, you're going to have a foot of hair. John will have a foot of hair on one Saturday. I'm thinking this on a day-to-day basis. Yeah. So I can – I'll just do a little men's grooming every day.

I'll have to do a little – probably an eyebrow trim. I'll probably have to do probably just an eyebrow trim at least like after one day. Well, you're also pretty like a hairless cat. But we're going to say like let's just pretend you have hair on your body. Yeah, but I'm saying like I'll have an inch of hair. But that means – okay, so I have one day. I're also pretty like a hairless cat but we're gonna say like let's just pretend you have hair on your body yeah well i'm saying like i'll have it in chair but that means okay so i have i got one day i'm pretty okay and then i can wear a long sleeve shirt i i can get like just a little bit of grooming of basically trimming the eyebrows and the mustache a little bit i can do that every day for probably two or three days and then and then we gotta start looking into the pube situation once we hit

three inches of pube like that's a lot so then but like it's not as not and then also because i am hairless like i'm just yeah yeah i'm not fucking meticulously grooming this stuff i mean you do it's kind of like in seinfeld though when kramer starts shaving his chest you start to shave that shit and you do go down a bad path where now that's not now you're're prickly. Now you got like stubble on your arm if you shave it. Not with a fucking buzzer. I mean, if you got that Manscaped lawnmower, it's going to take it down, bro. It takes it down, but it doesn't get stubbly. Yeah, I mean, I guess so.

It also depends on like if you're like a Greek guy and you got that thick black hair, it's a little different. I've got that golden doodle shit going on in the summer right now. Like I look like a doodle, man. You can't even see it. But if I had three, four, five, six inches added to it, it would be weird. You got a day or two there. And you can combat it. You can clean it up.

You can trim it and shave it. Now, a crazier thing would be like if you can't or if you can only trim it to a certain level or something like that. But anyway, the other side of it it a screaming baby every time you come first of all think about the times you want to come you know it's like oh i can't sleep at night let me crank one out yeah i got a half hour of baby crying you wake up in the morning with some morning wood you want to take care of it you're waking up to a baby crying that one's not so bad that's a little alarm to start the day but i mean at no point in my life do i ever want to hear baby cry no it's the worst not i know what you know what it's like if i if i see a baby ever again it's too soon when you look in the mirror every day you know it's like genetically designed

to like you know cut to your brain so that like you like respond you know like if my baby crying like felt like music to my ears i'd be like i, I kind of like this song. If it was Bye Bye Bye, I'd be like, hey, cry it up. We're going to ferberize your ass, bitch. How about – that's a great one. That's a great question. At the ATI, if your baby could cry a song, what song would you want it to be? You got to think. But then they die if it's too good.

Yeah, right. You need a song. What's a song that you like but that for like a few – I like a song for like the first minute and then like the second minute. I hate it. The Queen song or whatever and the changes like – Bohemian Rhapsody? Yeah.

I like Bohemian Rhapsody, but the answer is pretty simple. It's Who Let the Dogs Out. Why is that? I don't know. You like it for a second. Who let the dogs out? But by like the second time around, you're like, I don't want to let the dogs out. Yeah, that is a good one.

I like that. But, you know, and then I guess I could see the other side of it where it's like, I just got to, you know, this baby is going to be bothering me for 30 minutes. But at least I don't have to, like, trim my whole body up. Also, I'm assuming they stack up. So, like, I don don't know i guess you're not gonna jerk off too many times within a half hour thing but like you know you have a big day you have like you know an hour several hours of baby crying you know that stuff next up hold on there's the aspect of that you're not thinking of with the if you fuck somebody and then your

hair just grows an inch and you turn into a wolf man. Oh, did he say every time you cum or every time I cum? Yeah. Okay. I mean, I'm fine with that. You're on top of her and you're like and then it's just like Yeah, I'd let her know beforehand. Just so you know, I'm going to get pretty hairy in a minute. Maybe it's

the Harry Palms thing. It's coming to life. Do you know the movie Teen Wolf? Yeah. I don't know if I've ever seen it, but I know it. Great movie. You're a big Michael J. Fox guy, huh? Huge Michael J. Fox guy. But also, just,

but no, yeah, I guess it's just Michael J. Hats off to Michael J. Fox for making a movie that synopsis is just like, it's a high school kid who's a werewolf. And I'm like, yo, that's a classic.

Homework, you gotta watch Teen Wolf. Are you talking about the TV show, And I'm like, yo, that's a classic. Homework, you gotta watch Teen Wolf. Are you talking about the TV show Teen Wolf? No, but yes, that's what this is based on. They turned it into a sexy CW show. Really? Yeah, it was on MTV.

It was basically like... It was basically like Twilight, kind of. But Michael J. Fox, his dad is a werewolf, passes it down to him. He's playing basketball as a werewolf. He's jumping on top of the truck as a werewolf. He's like the coolest cat in school as a werewolf. It's fucking fire.

Next up. KFC fights Jackie, Miss UBC. Nick, you're doing a good job telling that. Okay, so to the story i was at a concert a couple at halloween like two years ago and i met this chick and she pulled me aside and i don't know how it went down but basically she ended up looking me in the eyes calling me daddy and putting cigarettes out of my arm so So I was wondering, what's the hottest thing that a girl's ever done in front of you, like in public?

Alright, so have a good one, boys. I love that he's putting cigarettes out of my arm. He's like, what up, babe? It's the hottest thing someone's done to me in public? I don't know if I have many good stories on this one, boys. I don't know if I got one where someone did anything.

Put cigarettes out on your arm? That's literally what people talk about with, like, how they torture people. Abuse, yeah. Yeah, like children in particular. Imagine that. Like, you know, if you know that she's trying to do it in a sexy way and you're trying to, like, be sexy back and you're just like, Bro, I'm going to wake up with cigarette holes in me. So hot.

Let's go fuck. After I get back from the fucking ER. I'm trying to think. One time at the Barstool New York launch party, I brought this chick. I met her like a week earlier at the bar, and I kind of was like, I'm throwing this party if you want to come through. It was back when nobody really knew Barstool. And I guess I didn't do a good job of describing it. So I was like, I'm throwing this party. Do you want to come through it was back when nobody really knew barstool so and i guess i didn't do a good job of describing it so i was like i'm throwing this party do you want to come

it's at the bar and then she came and she was like i didn't realize you like were the party like i thought it was like you know uh it's a 20 all you can drink open bar at like johnny utah's you know what i mean so it played really well she was a super hot blonde and um and so she was like googly eyed once it was like i'm the star of the party right and so she was like googly-eyed once it was like i'm the star of the party right and so she was like decked out dressed to the nines had like really sexy heels on and i said i made some comment being like those heels are fucking hot and she like just kind of leaned over and she was like i'll leave them on later i was like okay okay that one works let's go that one that was pretty that was probably Probably about it

That's all I got Did she? Yes she did But her friend was Her friend was crying Back at the bar And cock blocked me Oh

She left him on She left him on On her walk home Yeah basically She left him on And it was It was unfortunate Because it let her get

Let her get out of my room Really fast She was gone She was like I gotta go to my friend Who's crying And my buddy Was supposed to be

You know wingmaning it And he didn't. It was tough. That's a shame. Her friend was the size of a dinosaur, but it was super tough. We called her dinosaur. I'm trying to think, but on the spot, I really don't think that there's ever been something. Someone said split me in half once, which was a...

I can't really think of anything. I mean, that's the girl that told me to split me in half once, which was a – I can't really think of anything. Except for the girl that told me that you want me to split her in half. That wasn't in public, though. That was like we were in bed. Well, that's fine. I mean, in public. I mean, how many people are like publicly filthy? You know what I mean?

I don't know. That's pretty cool, I think. Oh, wait. No, maybe it was spread me – no, it was split me in half. I was going to say spread me in half wouldn't make a lot of sense, would it? No, so he was like, split me in half. Split me in half. And he's like, guess what I can't do?

I was going to say, much like your girl, she remained whole. Furious walking home. You're like, son of a bitch, you didn't even break my spine. What a fucking. Didn't even get impaled. What a fuck pussy. Yeah, I don't know how much any other... Are there people

who have multiple answers? Let me figure out the hottest because I got to go through this one and that one and this one. It's like, Jesus Christ. I'm going to be honest.

I've stopped thinking. That's about it. That's my feel. That's what I got there. All right, last voicemail. What do we got? Yo, what's up, guys? John, I mean, Fights, KSC, and the rest of y'all. I got a horrific sex story that I think will be a big laugh for everyone.

It's hilarious, and I tell my guy friends all the time. But what happened was one time in high school i was getting a head from my girlfriend at the time uh in my bunk bed uh no one else was home but it was in my bunk bed i was in the bottom bunk and she was so you know the vein on the front side of the dick that obviously the guy can't see but it's facing the girl. She's standing, if she's in front of you, giving head. Vein, it's like a tube. That vein that's sitting on that side of the dick popped while I was getting head.

The amount of suction she was putting on the dick and the vein. It was like inflating the vein almost as if like you had, oh man, if you had a piece of rubber and you started like pulling on it with pressure, it would just start expanding. It was like that. I felt a pop while I was getting hit. And in the sudden struck of pain, I sat up and slammed my head on the bunk bed. And as I did that, I saw blood dripping out of her mouth and completely panicked.

My penis bleeding. So what's your horrific sex story, guys? I can't tell if I'm fucking, my penis hurts or it's horny. Mine hurts. I'm like, dude is squirming, but I'm like, come or what? Okay, but now I'm confused because I thought he was talking about your cum tube. Like the thing that – Like the tube that's underneath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. And it's like you can push on it. That's on the underside. I don't know what that is. But if he's talking about blood, maybe he's talking about a vein. But where is the vein? Like what vein –

Because there's not blood in that tube. What vein is attached to your pee hole? Because he's got to be – Like if it burst, how's it coming out? Yeah, these are the things I don't know. I don't know what he's talking about. When he's talking about the underside of the dick, I thought, you know, that – you know what's funny? That tube runs all the way back. That tube goes, like, up your fucking back, man.

It goes all the way through. That's how you get into the Matrix. Fuck it. I'm cramping. Ow! I'm going to troll you. That was the funniest thing you've ever said. He's such a goddamn nerd.

That's right up there with saying you've got to blow your nose after you eat pussy. You get into that major. You're like, whoop. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Oh, my God. So, you know, I will be – I have no problem putting my hand up and saying I don't know what he's talking about with the dick I don't know if we're talking about veins, if we're talking about tubes

I don't know why you're bleeding I'm a little too straight to understand how dicks work I don't get even what Was he saying that she like sucked so hard it bled? Yeah, he said he sucked so hard she popped it That's where my brain started going I don't know if I, am I horny? Is this chick a fucking Dyson?

What are you talking about? You can't suck a dick so hard it bleeds. Unless she chewed on it. Like, is it teeth? There's no way suction causes your dick to bleed. You can't suck blood out of a dick. You're not a fucking vampire. If anyone wants to put it to the test, I'm willing and able to try.

Try. Nope, no blood. Keep going. Keep staying down there. So I don't know what's happening here, but yes, the fact, like the thought of like you look down and she's like,

and there's blood in her mouth. That's horrific. That is. Horrific. That is. I mean, that reminds me of being in a... Did he say he came or something like no he said he popped up and he hit his head on the bunk right right it's just yikes bro that's

like something about mary type shit where it's like a calamity like you know that that's like there's like cartoon noises going off like pow bingo bongo you know um that was like i was in i was in high school once i went to to a party and there were college kids there. And we went into a room that we didn't know what it was. And it was one of the college kids eating a girl's pussy. But it was in the dark. And so we opened the door and it let in the light. And it was like, because he was like.

And it was like in a movie. The zombie. Someone disturbed the wolf. Yeah. Tomb Raider. It was just like in a movie. The zombie. Someone disturbed the wolf. Yeah. Tomb Raider. It was just like fucking blood everywhere. I can picture. I was like, oh, bro, you are going to want to wipe before you look in the mirror.

I can picture exactly what you're talking about. Like someone's got a flashlight and there's nothing, nothing. And then it's like this. Yeah, because he's like hunched over, right? Like she was in a chair. So he's like not quite there. Yeah, like a little. What is it? And then he looks back down. She was in a chair, so he's like, not quite there. Yeah, like a little dollop.

Like, what is this light? And then he looks back down. Yep, I know exactly what you mean. Leave me, leave me. Some Nosferatu shit. That's disgusting. So his question is, what's your embarrassing sex story? I mean, I've told one before. Someone told me to split her in half, and I didn't I don't so what would be his question what's your like embarrassing sex story I mean I've told the one before

where I someone told me to split her in half and I did yeah yeah failed yeah I have

sex failures I told the story about where I I just demolished her mouth with my head oh yeah she was

she was on top and I tried to like smoothly move and I kind of like dropped her back onto the bed. She bounced off the bed. I came down

and my like forehead hit her whole like mouth area and just the sound bro. The sound haunts me to this day. It was like this fleshy like flap like just you could hear like lips split saliva and teeth

and her mouth was so swollen. Lips like Kylie Jenner, like that. She had to go to a new job that next day. She was starting a new job the next day. I forgot about that part. And by the grace of God, we went out to a wine bar, and she just kept ice on it and started drinking. And the swelling went away. It was like the one time God was like.

The human body is amazing. It knew. It knew. Is that true because then not my body no when the there's a reason why Roman

is our sponsor bro when the human body needs it needs to do something it usually does not it usually does the polar opposite I mean in different senses but like yeah sometimes it knows

like mind over matter like we're just gonna fucking fix this problem like Nick you were saying when you hear a cop's voice like sober yeah yeah yeah

you sober up yeah um uh I'm sure there are people who have you know and fix this problem. Like Nick, you were saying when you hear a cop's voice, like sober. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sober up. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there are people who have, you know, shit on a dick. Shout out to The Bachelorette. Yeah, never. I mean, there was one.

Yeah, that wasn't that bad. The... Kicked that girl out when she fell out of the door naked into the living room. Oh, yeah, that was fun. That was fun. Yeah, that was playful.

That's how you knew that girl was a fucking firecracker. She just was like... What'd she do? She like twirled around? Do a shimmy. Yeah. She's how you knew that girl was a fucking firecracker. What'd she do? She like twirled around? Do a shimmy. Yeah. She's like, well, if I'm naked in the living room in front of his roommates, I might as well shake that ass real quick and hop back on the dick.

But yeah, I don't think I have enough embarrassing like came too soon, couldn't get hard, but no like funny things. Yeah, I didn't perform surgery. Well, I've never ended up in the fucking ER over sex. Yeah. What's your, like, worst injury? My worst injury? Like, most gruesome?

Yeah. That time you had gonorrhea? None. None, really. Oh, you know what's embarrassing for me? I recently got fucking a fucking Charlie horse. And when you're in bed and you're older and then you have a Charlie horse and you're like, I'm grabbing up my toe with my foot.

That's pretty embarrassing. It's like, oh, yeah, you really are. I really am fucking an old man. See, how about this? It's not a joke. You're fucking old, bro. I've been doing that shit forever. So that's just running the bill for me.

I've been getting cramps that's actually a good uh you know tell you got like a long-term girlfriend or a girl you think you're gonna be with for a long time like start now with the embarrassing shit so when you're older and it happens oh he's oh he's that's not that's not happening because he's older he's been doing that since he's 24 yeah it's like yeah i got charlie horse i can't get my dead card i came too fast or whatever and then when it happens for real you're like i've already set the stage. I'm already used to this. Easy peasy.

Under deliver. Or under promise, over deliver. All right. We're going to do a new idea here just to keep Answer the Internet on the podcast rolling. We're going to do an ATI question each and every episode. Just one question pulled from the deck. Right now, season four of the new – three or four? Four.

Right now, season four of Answer the Internet is cooking. Every Monday, 6 p.m., new episode out with your favorite comic or entertainer or celebrity answering all the best hypothetical questions from the internet. The app, Nick has been working tirelessly around the clock on the app. It has all new features where you can watch the internet. The app, Nick has been working tirelessly around the clock on the app, has all new features where you can watch the videos, you can pull up everybody who's ever participated, you can, there's nine, ten, ten total decks now. Also, if you

think that you've run through all the cards, we're updating with the free decks. Those get updated with 15 new questions each and every week. We're updating it live with the best questions from the most recent episode. So the ATI deck is like a completely comprehensive, awesome experience of doing internet hypotheticals. So download the app, subscribe on YouTube, and each and every week we're going to do one ATI question. It's brought to you by SimpliSafe.

SimpliSafe, their founders, Chad and Eleanor, they designed SimpliSafe because one of their friends got robbed. And they said, I don't want this to ever happen to my friends again because they are better people than I. Because I would have said, you got robbed, you dumb motherfucker. Guess they skipped my house. Could have used it. Everybody can use it, man. You don't want to get broken into because, A, you don't want to be in danger. B, you don't want to lose any of your belongings.

But, C, how embarrassing is it to be like, my house got broken into? It's like you didn't have any security. You didn't do anything to stop it. And you're just the chump who got played by the burglars. Who gets house burgled these days? Yeah, especially when you're just the chump who got played by the burglars. Who gets house burgled these days? Especially when you're inside the house or something. Come on.

It'd be crazy town. Imagine if you were sitting on the toilet and you were just like You saw it and you had the ability to stop it and you're like hang on, brick breaker's kicking. I would have done exactly what you did. I did the smart thing. That's why I got Simply Safe in my apartment, just strictly because I didn't want to have to tell my kid's mom, like, yeah, I didn't have an alarm.

And that's why we got broken into and robbed while the kids were there. Again, it's not even really about – it's about being safe. It's just about saving the embarrassment. So I signed up. I got SimpliSafe all over my apartment. I got it on my side my side door my front door inside the apartment i've got the motion sensors i got the cameras everything wired it's like fucking mission impossible you ain't getting into my place how about on uh on are you garbage foley

was telling a story about um i think someone in his family said that they were asleep and they woke up and they heard somebody go maybe we should tie them up. And she just pretended to stay asleep and then let them rob the joint. And then when they left, she woke up. She woke up her husband. We've just been robbed. Holy shit. Yeah, scary.

Although as they finished the story, Feeney was on, Mike Feeney, and he started to ask some more details. And Foley was like, I don't know, man. I got to the punchline. I got to the big line. The line is, maybe you should tie it up. Kippy was like, this probably didn't even happen.

This is from the land of Foleyville where none of this shit is even real. But man, imagine that. Maybe we should tie them up. It's that movie called The Strangers or something like that where they break into random homes. That's also very... You know what, though?

That's either super ominous or these guys are sloppy and don't know what they're doing. I don't know. Do we tie them up? No, let's just get the laptops and get the fuck out of here.

They're not looking to kill anybody. Why would you wake someone up to tie them up? Right. We're good. They don't even know. Let's just fucking...

Either way. It's also impressive for her to say, I would not be able to continue sleeping or fake sleeping. I'd be like, all right, let's fight or flight. I might try to say, I would not be able to continue sleeping or fake sleeping. Dude. I'd be like, all right, let's fight or flight.

I might try to, but I'd be like breathing heavy. Yeah. I was saying, yes, well, we'll finish this up. Make sure you don't even have to deal with any of this by getting SimpliSafe. Burglars won't even get into your house. Not only people robbing you, it can be floods, fires, earthquakes, broken windows, anything that might threaten your home, your loved ones, your belongings. SimpliSafe has got you covered with 24-7 security.

And when you go to simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio, you can get 20% off your SimpliSafe security system. Finally, shout out to SimpliSafe for offering that discount. 20% on your security system plus your first month for free when you sign up for interactive monitoring service. That's SimpliSafe.com, S-I-M-P-L-I, safe.com. 20% off your security system. First month free when you use interactive monitoring. That's SimpliSafe.com slash KFC Radio.

I was talking about this on the Kevin Clancy Show with Jackie. If there was an active shooter situation, what do you think you would do uh i would definitely hide hide right like remember that story there was one i think the guy in the aurora was there with his like fiance and he kind of like ditched her he kind of was like oh yeah i was kind of like you know i know it's not a good look but also it's like every man for himself. And I was debating. I asked Jackie if she thought I would try to save her. It was a quick no. She was correct. I would never just immediately and stupidly storm a shooter.

But I think if I saw a window, obviously this is complete speculation. You never know until you're in the moment. But like – Like what if I'm the gunman and I got my back turned to you, right? Like how close do you have to be? Like if I got my back turned to you, I'm at the door though. Like you storm me. I might just turn around and shoot you.

Oh, I wouldn't storm. I'd sneak. Oh, like a ninja. Yeah. Oh, yeah, because you're so fleet of foot. I mean he's firing bullets. Like I think I can be rather silent in that. Well, yeah, listen. If he's firing, that's what I mean.

Like you, you get up, you're like, ah! Pow, you're dead. The body can do what it needs to in the moment. What I discussed was the idea of playing dead. Like best case scenario is I have a good hiding spot, ride it out, that's it, right? Most realistic best case scenario, you get shot, you get clipped, and then you lay down and you play dead. You get under some dead bodies or whatever, you know?

And then he just thinks he's done the job. That is, but also I think of those things like, God, what was it? Like in wars when they kind of just walk around like just stabbed. Yes, well, that's what I said. They know that now. They go around just putting one in Yes. Well, that's what I said. They know that now. They go around just putting one in you. Because then it's an all or nothing move. Once you play dead, you better hope it works because otherwise –

Because you can't get up. You don't understand your surroundings anymore. You better hope the cops ain't far. Right. You've got to just close your eyes, hold your breath. That's it. Yeah. I guess in that sense –

Now, you know it's coming because you'd hear it coming. You'd hear the thump, thump. How scary. You know what I would maybe do? Pretend to be. You know what's pretty fucked up, too? Everything I picture in a mass shooting happens inside of a school, in my mind. Yes, absolutely.

That's where they happen. They happen in other places, but it's always in a school. If I'm picturing it happening, it's either a school library or a cafeteria. Yeah, absolutely. I would maybe play. I mean, that's not my fault. That's Mass Shooter's fault. How about this?

I'm not willingly choosing this. It's just my mind going to what happens the most. What if, And I'm inspired by the scene we just did with... I just grab some blood, I wipe it on my face, and I go, zombie apocalypse. You wake up. You storm

at the mass shooter, pretending the zombie apocalypse has started. I feel like that's a pretty quick way to get a couple more bullets in you. He just drops his weapons and runs. No. Bullets don't work on them. Today's question is, would you rather always come prematurely or never come at all?

Easy peasy. I'll tell you what this is called. I'll tell you what this is called Little something called life Little something called reality Always come prematurely Oh no That wasn't mine I think I would definitely rather never come

You are such a simple minded buffoon I don't think I am You are Because once again People always forget The main important reason of coming. Is jerking off. It's not. Yes, but it's not about pleasure.

It's about maintenance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't ever come, John, you know how backed up you are? You become literally mentally deficient if you don't get to come out. You've got poison coursing through your body that you can't get out of you anymore because you can't come. You can't focus.

You can't perform. You get dumber. Your life is, you're making bad decisions. Your life is over if you can't come. You're just describing my life now and I can't come.

So think about how much worse it would be. I don't think it would be any worse. I think I'd turn into Bane. You think you've maxed out? I think if I got Bane I'd be fucking Blanca. I'd fucking rip my door off its hinges every morning.

What's up? That would be... You might become like... I'd be like a blonde version of Blanca. You could channel that and become like an MMA fighter. Yeah, I think I could. I hate you. He's got that orange fucking mohawk.

You're perfect. Yeah, you'd just be regular Blanca. I was grabbing a drink with Casey yesterday, and she was like, it sucks that I have to admit you look blonde right now. Just growing it up. What I've noticed is the back of your hair. You're probably not putting sun in the back, right? I'm all over the place right now. Yeah?

I mean, I'm missing places. Right. They're not getting the same dosage. Because there's definitely at the back, there's parts that have a normal color, and then the top and front is a Crayola crayon orange. It's a fucking – not a human color at all. It's not supposed to be on the human body. But the back has some reasonable blondness. It's just the vast majority of it's orange.

I can't believe you'd never come. That's the wrong answer. It's just like – I think as I tell Tony here, as we're about to talk to Tony Hale I tell people that Like what I do Everything I do in life Is just so someone doesn't have a story to tell about me That's it That's all I'm doing

So like you can't be the guy Like I said earlier I'm just killing time Can't be the guy That's all done That gets embarrassed by coming soon I don't want people telling people I'm an asshole Well you know what

You'd also be Josh Potter Our guy Josh Potter who can't come Yeah yeah He is like a – A very pleasant fellow. He is, and he's like, it's not so bad because I can fuck for like hours. That's what I'm saying. He can deliver.

I want to fuck. And also, you tell a girl that you can't come and they just keep trying. Yeah. And maybe it sucks that you never get to the promised land, but they're going to try every which way to get you there. You know? So – but I do ultimately think, see, but Josh can come.

He can come by himself. He can't come with girls. And I think the medical problem of not coming, it would kill you. If you couldn't have a wet dream and get it in mission, any mission, you would die.

So, I'm going to make, all right, I walked into that one. girls come. Win. It's going to kill me? Win.

I walked right into that one. All right. Tony Hale is on the show. You know, Busted Bluth. He's in a new movie that's very cool called Nine Days. Very original. Awesome plot. It's brought to you by Sezzle.

Sezzle is a buy now, pay later solution that allows you to get what you want today while paying for it over time in four interest-free payments. This is awesome for our audience because I know a bunch of you guys are broke as a joke, fresh out of college, struggling to find work, got a lot of bills. Right, Jackie? Right? So what if I could tell you that everything you want right now, anything you need to buy, you can have it instantly and you don't have to pay for it now. You can give it to me later and then a little bit more later and then a little bit more later and then the final bit later and I'm not

going to charge you any juice. There's no vig. There's no interest. No nothing. I mean, you could be wealthy and you should do this. Everybody should use Sezzle. Jeff Bezos should use Sezzle. Who cares? Do it over four payments and over time rather than I can just have more money in my pocket to spend on other things that I can't really afford.

Amazing. Sezzle's got you covered whether you're looking to – let's say you have to move too. All of these big time expenses that all of a sudden hit you out of nowhere or it's like, bam, my laptop broke. Now I got to buy a fucking $1,500 MacBook. I didn't budget that in. Sezzle's got you covered for interest-free payments. They are – the best part is it's available in the Barstool Sports Store, so it's officially like a partner here at Barstool.

And it's available in 34,000 exciting stores in the U.S. and Canada, so you've got to check out if the store you're buying it carries Sezzle and works with them, but 34,000, pretty good chance that you do. No hidden fees, no credit check. As long as you pay on time there'll be no impact to your credit score uh so it's not just one of those things where it's like if you use it they'll be like oh you use sezzle so your credit score goes down as long as you pay it on time no penalty uh it's easy to sign up you get instant approval no forms to fill out uh just

sign up and get that instant approval decision uh go to the Barstool Sports store, buy all of our merch. Buy the Fast and the Furious, Brian O'Connor, and all those shirts. We've got the hoodies on the- We got the new Ted Lasso. Ted Lasso, new Ted Lasso merch out, season two now popping. We've got a lot of good shit coming with the Moonman line. I got some Sherpas and some hoodies coming out for the fall. We got the sweatpants shorts.

We got the swimming trunks. We've got it all. And you can use Sezzle to spread out that payment over for interest-free payments. So check it out at the Barstool Sports Store. Shot now, pay later with Sezzle. Tony Hale on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. Tony, what's going on?

Here he is. How are you? I don't know why my thing says Anthony. I need to change that. I was just about to ask you, are you ever Anthony Hale? This is the problem, guys. I was Anthony Hale, and I'll do Tony H. All right.

Sorry, guys. All good, man. Hey! There he is. So nice to see you. As you as well, man. I appreciate you doing this again. We're huge fans and we loved you.

You're such a nice dude, so I appreciate the time. Do you – I mean, isn't it funny? Like I think if you were Anthony Hale, I think your entire life would be different. I think you'd be an entirely different person. I – yes. I regret – okay, here's my thing. I was Anthony up until middle school. I moved to Tallahassee, Florida when my dad retired from the Army.

And then I was like, you know what? I'm not going to be Anthony anymore. Wow. I'm going to be Tony. That's a big change. I wish I hadn't changed it. It's a big change. Why?

But I'm like, I like the name Anthony. I don't know why i changed it i have a little more like tony you know to me i'm from new york i think tony it's like tony gabagool how you doing and anthony i think like anthony hopkins i think uh you know there's some cash totally i i had a friend from high school who did basically the same thing as you but wait until he went to college and then he came back home from college and he's like guys i'm tony now and we were like you can't change that no no not that late in the game like maybe i had a friend growing up uh he his name was bruce and uh his father so he was bruce you know junior and uh he so they to differentiate they called him skip and um sure and you know so we knew him

as skip and as like young boys skip like whatever and then i guess obviously it's not the most masculine of names maybe doesn't command a room or whatever so that like everyone who we met in college and and you know beyond that he they're talking about bruce bruce bruce bruce we're like motherfuckers named skip he's not Bruce. That's Skip, man. You're never going to be anything but Skip to me, pal. But it changes everything. Did he want to be Skip or Bruce? He wanted to be Bruce.

Did he want to be Skip or Bruce? Yeah, he wanted to be Bruce. He didn't think Skip was cool or whatever. I was like, you're Skip, pal. That's it. Got it. I didn't realize you were a Tallahassee guy. I went to FSU for like most people.

I went there for a bit. I didn't spend four years in town I did two Oh yeah well that's a good bit Yeah I got my associates degree Yeah that's a majority Did you like it? No I did not I didn't dislike it

It was more me I went to a lot of colleges before I realized, you know what? I think it's me and not the schools. And then I started working here. So it worked out pretty good. Where did you go to school, Tony? Did you go to school? I went to Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama.

Not Stanford. Samford. Big difference. Samford. Big difference. Yeah. Big difference. Big difference. Big difference. Were you already acting by then and whatnot, or did you get a regular degree? Was acting always the plan?

I did acting in high school. And then in college, I was like, I don't know if I can make a career out of this. So I think I'm going to study journalism and mass communication. And then after that, I was'm not i can't do that and then i dipped my toe back and then 95 i moved to new york and i just my first theater show in new york was shakespeare in the parking lot where we did we did tamiya the strew that's in a parking lot in the east village that is a great little i i once went to see a band that was a cover band called credence clearwater revival revival they were ccrr and i always thought that was clever but parking lot is that's a good one

um so i uh this this new movie nine days um I think is so cool because I think we've reached a point, it's almost a little cliche to say so, but so many people talk about how all the movies are sequels and reboots and remakes and part 18 of Marvel. I think that's a little bit hacky because I think some of

those are awesome and I don't think that's big of a deal, but it is pretty cool when you see something that is entirely original, where I was like, this is a concept. Who came up with this, and who wrote this? It's got to be cool to be a part of a project like that. It really is. And the fact is, the theme of the movie talks about these unborn souls,

these candidates, and we want a chance to live and then uh the character played by winston duke is deciding our fate if we're going to live and a lot of the movie talks about kind of appreciating these moments that we take for granted which is a very common theme it's a very common theme we see in a lot of a lot of movies and tv but the way this director ed sonota told it of this whole kind of interview process and how each candidate kind of represents something different it is so creative and so original and also if you do get a chance to see it it's so beautiful the cinematography is just stunning so i'm very proud the music even like in the trail uh in the trailer the score was like whoa this is you you feel like you're watching i was like, whoa, this is... You feel like you're watching. I was like, this is something.

This is like a movie, man. You're not going to walk out of there being like, what did you think? It's going to move you. Do you... Cut to somebody going, ah, what did you think? One of my least favorite things in the world is the walk out of the movie theater, you and your date or you and your friend,

and you throw out your popcorn or whatever, and inevitably someone turns and goes, so what'd you think? But you wait until you're away from everyone else because I don't want someone to overhear my potentially wrong opinion. I wait until I'm in the parking lot. It's actually, I get that with my dad,

so when my dad goes to movies, it's like, we get in the car and lock the doors. Now we can talk about it but my thing is i don't think people do that enough though like it's i think when you see a story whatever story you need because it might you know you typically if somebody go out it's like you have dinner then you go to a movie then you go home you need to allot a good 30 minutes or 45 to kind of talk about it and see what you've seen and have that discussion people don't kind of allot that time enough i feel like uh getting back into theaters right now is i mean people are just so happy you know what you should do is maybe stay

in you have to stay in the theater for 30 minutes and deliver like a book report afterwards do a little q a after in the theater to get that conversation in. Theaters will love that. I'm sure. The 16-year-old who just wants to swipe up some popcorn and go back to playing on Twitter. Come on, man. You guys get the hell out of here. What do you believe in as far as the unborn soul sort of thing?

Do you believe in souls and afterlife and all that kind of stuff i do oh man am i gonna start preaching here we go um i uh i do my uh my faith is for me my faith is very, very important to me. And I do believe there's an afterlife and a relationship with God. And, I mean, I don't, this film is not a part of what I believe, you know. But it's, I think, the relationship with God and also the journey that we're on and appreciating these moments and, you know, how – especially where we come from with the pandemic and how much I took for granted, you know. So, yeah, it's very much a part of my life. Now, if you were Will in this film, if you kind of reverse roles, and it was up to you to decide whether or not people were worth being born, what are three attributes you have to have?

Three attributes to determine whether or not you can be human. Holy cow. Well, that's actually two different... To be human is like you gotta be a selfish asshole, you gotta be a loud mouth, and you gotta have a Twitter account.

In Tony's world, if Tony was the decider, what do you want humans to be? Three attributes. My favorite thing, though, is when you were asking a question you were going oh we gas each other up over here tony so uh i was well it makes me think of this because i mean i that's a man that's a really good question but the hard way it makes me think of this i, I mean, that's a really good question, but it's a hard one. It makes me think of this.

I remember working with – and not that I'm a work in progress. I've got my own stuff. But I remember working with this person, and they were a producer. This was years ago. And they were just a douchebag. They were just so mean and disrespectful. And I wanted so bad to go up to them and go, hey, man, you know what? You're going to die.

You're going to die. You're going to die. And your legacy is that you were a douchebag. That's your legacy, man. That's what people are going to talk about when you die. Because you're going to die. We're all going to die. All of this is done. The only person

you love in this world, you're making their eulogy a really hard time. The only person who cares about you a little bit, you're giving them the hardest job possible. I know. Exactly. And it's also like, hey, guess what? This is the bummer. Not the bummer.

The good thing is you can actually change that. Right. You can actually start seeing people. You can actually start looking outside yourself. You can start being kind. You could change your legacy. You can maybe help the eulogist the person giving eulogy come up with something yeah you you know like so it yeah no no go ahead kid no i'm just i i'm just talking to phil space well i you know it's it's just funny that anytime you hear any eulogy of course it's

always like you know tony was a great guy and uh yeah loved by everyone around him and it's like well no not everybody is a great guy some of these people have got to be douchebags you know so you're at the altar of god be honest up there yeah let him know well and you can tell yeah he reclined his seat on airplanes he didn't tip well like thanks let's let's just tell people who he really was. Are those part of your three characters? Those are two of mine. But I do think, like, not enough people, including myself, wake up to the reality of, hey, this is fleeting, man. And guess what? Who remembers who won an Oscar or an Emmy or whatever 50 years ago?

Nobody. Nobody. Because it's fleeting. And it's how you treat people. It's relationships. It's your relationship with God, everything. That's the shit that matters. So what do you think would be the most,

what's the most important, if you had to kind of embody that, you know, the most important, what's like a little, what would be a trait of someone you'd let be born to know that they treat people well? A lot of people say this, and I don't know if I agree with it, by the way. A lot of people use the shopping cart example.

They say if you don't put the shopping cart back in the row or bring it to the – that is like the number one surefire sign that you're like a bad person. And I've never been like – man, sometimes I just leave it by my parking spot. I don't always do that, and I don't that you're a bad person. I've never been like, man, sometimes I just leave it by my parking spot. I don't always do that, and I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm a guy who puts it back. As I'm putting it back, I think I might be taking away someone's job.

It's someone's job to pick them all up. That's a spin zone I like. There's also the factor of if somebody doesn't put apart their shopping cart, you also don't know their story. Their story may be – this is an extreme example, but maybe someone's in the hospital and they've got to run to the hospital. That's what I mean. They don't have time to get – it's like everybody has their own story that we're not taking into consideration all the time. Yes. all the time yes so i i would think my my the trait that immediately comes to mind is empathy

and hearing somebody's story before you start talking about yours because i think there's a lot of that's that's the whole country right now nobody's listening nobody's hearing other people's stories everybody's putting a stamp on something and And it's like we got to shut up and just listen to people's stories, I think. Solid. I think those are two pretty good ones. Yeah. Not quite as good as they can't recline airplane seats, but it's up there. That's another one.

I don't get why people say if you recline your seat, well, now I've got to recline mine. But then, okay, then aren't we all just in more comfortable seats? I guess. Why don't we just to recline mine. But then, okay, then aren't we all just in more comfortable seats? I guess, but I just – Why don't we just all recline? Everything I do is just so someone can't say I saw that guy be an asshole. So, like, I'll be uncomfortable on a six-hour flight. I don't care. The person behind me doesn't go home and say, this guy in front of me, he sucked.

But we all could just recline and be a little bit more comfortable. You were reclining? I think to your point, if there was – it's a good point. If at one moment the steward goes, hey, let's all – On the count of three. Let's all go on the three, recline. That might take away all that. Right.

Now, I think I would be more inclined to – rather than these are three things you need to get in. I would pick things and you're out. Like to keep with the plane theme, the people who get up and try to get off the plane like first when you know you're going to have to wait online to get off the plane. Like if I saw you do that once in your nine days, you're out. You're not a human. You don't get to live, man. I'd be doing strikes before I was doing this. I will say the talking too loud on your cell phone.

That to this day is or speakerphone too when when someone is speakerphone it's just that thing of like just like literally going hey yeah but just going why do you not recognize and again i don't know their story maybe they have hearing difficulties talking to a deaf but it's like but it's that sense of like i'm hearing everything you're saying man and actually personal stuff yeah yeah you don't need to hear this right right you know it's it's a big thing in new york people like to like facetime and like on facetime i can hear them i can hear the full conversation i'm like man we're in a we're in a sweet green right now everyone can hear you or the people we got there's guys 7th Avenue who wheel their boom box on like a little dolly.

And I kind of enjoy it because they're usually blasting music I like. So they walk by me and I nod along. But I'm like, you really can't just walk to like your destination without blasting a concert's worth of music. But all right, do you, man. Yeah. Or headphones. Yeah. Just like enjoy it.

Sure. But like, you know. Right, right. I'm around with some like AirPods. No one sees them. Here's a question we had, Tony. Would you rather live in a world without doors or headphones? I love these questions, by the way.

Oh, we got a bunch for you. I love these questions. I love it. Would I rather live in a world with what? Without headphones or without doors. So you really never have any privacy or really anywhere you go, or you can never kind of go into your own world with headphones and kind of zone out a little bit.

I think I could do without headphones because I could close the door and then have my own space. Yeah, I think you've got to have doors. I think the doors would be tough. Doors are a hugely important thing. I think about bathroom situations. Right. That would be a problem.

I mean, just no private conversations when you're at the family party and you need to talk shit about your in-laws. Like, come in the kitchen. Can you believe that she said this? Nope, not doing that. She's hearing the whole thing, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Another very original film of yours i actually just happened to watch last night as i was scrolling through um uh amazon is eat wheaties which i i love oh yeah i thought that was so great oh thanks man such a such a good

content but i couldn't decide whether i was rooting for you or not i thought the film was great what are you doing saying film? You're a film person all of a sudden? If you watch the movie, it's a film. If you watch the movie, it's a film. Trust me on this one. The theater. Wheaties is a film. Nine Days is a film. They're different. I'm not going to go Scorsese and start

talking cinema over here, but it is a film. It's a film. Hey, I'm not going to go Scorsese. It's a film. Hey, I'm not going to go score a San Diego. I can't decide with someone like that who lacks such self-awareness whether or not – because he's truly a kind person. But I can't decide whether he lacks so much self-awareness. I'm like he might just deserve what's coming to him so he can maybe get a little self-awareness learn i mean to your point i think the yeah to your point i think the challenges he faced definitely helped him right like him walking through all that stuff but then the other side of it i did like how he was pretty detached from social media all that

kind of stuff like he didn't i mean he definitely should have gained some more awareness of it but man many times i think i wish i was on that side a little more yeah because the noise of it all is overwhelming oh and it is an interesting concept for someone who just has to i mean he doesn't you know he's he's the uh the co-producer of the the reunion the west coast reunion and it is yeah yeah it's. You don't get to dip your toe in the social media water. You got to go... I mean, he went full cannonball. And that must be very confusing and scary for someone like that

where you don't really... You're looking for some kind of friend. But it was great. Yeah, and he didn't know that his messages to Elizabeth Banks were public and he was just trying to be friendly and it kind of got out of hand. It's also a great concept that we've talked about before with getting a major actor or actress.

Actor? I said actor. I've definitely been saying film, huh? Next thing we're going to hear comedian. Holy moly. I hit an actor there. I'm just trying to impress Tony over here. Talking like Anthony now. An actor. Where it would be, you know, you pay someone, a big star, to kind of just be on the poster,

and then you kill them off in the first five minutes. Yeah, you get Elizabeth Banks in the movie without getting Elizabeth Banks in the movie. Elizabeth Banks going, and it's like, yeah. We got social media pictures of Elizabeth, but whether or not she comes at the end, I don't know. I'm not going to do any spoilers. There's that mystery. There's that mystery. One of the questions we did this week with the Olympics on, since we're throwing all these hypotheticals at you,

if you had unlimited time, money, resources, coaching, and let's say I gave you the next four years, or maybe eight, 12, 16, however many years to the next Olympics you need, what event in the Olympics, winter or summer, whatever, do you think that you could maybe have a shot in competing? Woo! You got any hidden talents? You guys are really throwing out some good ones.

Well, none of the talents here. I would need that 20-year coaching. hidden talents really throwing out some good ones well none none of the talents here i would i would need like that 20-year coaching but um i don't like heights so i would not do anything like diving or anything like that that's rock climbing my hands sweat just watching that stuff yeah um i the swimming uh i don't know just like i'm an okay swimmer, but it's also like just watching the bottom of the pool just all the time. Well, I just learned about there's one swimming that's 1,500 meters, which is like 20 minutes of laps. It's insane how long they're in the pool for. And you're right.

You're just sitting there staring, and you do your kickflip. You're like, what lap am I even on now? Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, and I think now I do think they have like earbuds or something. Yeah, I think so too. You can listen to stuff. I would say there's something cool about the rings. Ooh, wow.

That's hard. That kind of stuff. Now, that's hard and we're talking i wouldn't i mean i'm 50 now like there's no way it's gonna happen but if i was younger thank you so much but if i had a good 20 years also i want that stomach yeah everything that comes with it like it is just like cut cut cut cut cut so all right that'd be selfish reason because is just like cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. It would be selfish reason because I just want to look that good. That's a deep one.

That's a tough one. How about this one? Would you rather wear cargo shorts every day forever or you're never allowed to wear socks ever again? So everywhere you go, you got to go to a fancy event, a presentation, a funeral, a party, you're on stage, you're acting, cargo shorts, or you're just going raw dog in the feet. Imagine that in every contract that has to be written in. Raw dog in the feet. Every role he ever does from now on is just like cargo shorts dad. I've got to be a cargo shorts guy. You're begging to get arrested to come back. Like Buster would be wearing cargo. Come on. He would be a cargo shorts guy you're just calling like you're begging to get arrested to come back like

buster would be wearing cargo come on he would be a cargo shorts guy keep all those toys in there i'm gonna be using i'm gonna be using rod dog in the feet for the rest of my life um i uh here's the thing my feet sweat man me too that's why i can never i don't get people don't do the socks i need socks i can't do the whole like feet in the – it's just they smell. As a service to the world, I don't think that would be good. I don't think it would be a good service to the world to see me in cargo shorts, but I think it's a better option. And they are – Maybe I would become like a Bill Murray kind of a type where it's just like, oh, yeah.

It works. Yeah. I also think they are – the cargo shorts and the fanny pack, while maybe not the most fashionable, are very – there's a lot of utility there. They're very useful. I jokingly recently, quote-unquote jokingly, wore cargo shorts and socks and like Tevas to Disney World because I wanted to look like a dad. You loved it. Putting it all together, I was like, it kind of works. You need to go full into it really you could get really creative like all those pockets on the cargo shorts you could pull something out and make it into a pant yeah all of a sudden you

can i mean you could get pretty you get different pattern cargo shorts and then all of a sudden they turn into a pant um you've had the pleasure of working with i think two of the greatest actors actresses ever in uh julia luby dreyfus and uh jessica walter um i'd be remiss if we didn't bring her up i know she passed away i mean just the greatest uh yeah am i i i can't tell you how many times i've struggled to pick my favorite character in arrested development it's it's impossible to do so but i usually end up landing on Lucille and she was awesome. Who wouldn't? Her timing was so solid. And also my favorite joke was when she'd said about like, it's a banana, Michael, how much can it be? $10 i just it is so good and every single

line she said was just solid it was just solid time she landed it every time and she when she came on set she had her script and it was all tabbed and the night before she like almost mapped out her timing like she was ready for the day. My favorite of hers is when Michael tells Job to get the C word out of here. She's standing in the door and she goes, I'll leave when I'm good and ready. She's the best! She is the best! It's so good.

She was unbelievable. That is unbelievable. So good. I'll never forget first on when we was doing that scene with her and michael they were talking about buster and i was just sitting on the bottom just right next to them and just i remember just watching her and going oh this is gonna be a fun ride she just she just knew every single thing was just sharp sharp sharp now it's funny you offer

her the high praise though because i i believe julia julia said about you that you are a scene stealer and that every scene she was in with you uh the faces you're making and some of the things you're doing non-verbally while she was uh you know it was all eyes on you which i mean you know someone like that says that about you and that's that's one to put on the fridge at home she might have she might have been pissed saying not in a good way but the the fun thing about um god that show was so good and she's so good lovely she's lovely actually wait which one are you talking about because you you know she's involved in both right but yeah but like yeah she was but like she i mean my character character, Selena never let my character speak. I was literally called the bitchy mime on the show.

And so all I could do was do faces. All I could do was do nonverbal. And I would just, it was like I just turned into a clown behind her. I was just like doing all that stuff. Man, that is great. That is some fantastic stuff. Our last question here for you. We'll get philosophical on it one last time.

Love it. What would the title of your autobiography be? Woo. I would say the title. I mean, me saying the title feels a little. I don't know how, I mean, I don't, I would hope that if somebody was doing a book about me is maybe I would have nothing to do with my work and that it would just be in how I treated people. People, yeah. And that, I think something like just seeing people. Like maybe something about like he saw me or something. Oh, I like that.

In this business, in this world, people don't feel seen. And so I would love, I love to live my life where I was given a lot of opportunities to see people for who they were. That's very touching. That's a very good one. I was going to say the bitchy mime colon the most empathetic man in the world. Or how about I should have been Anthony. I should have been Anthony. The story of a bitchy mime.

I will say like the artwork of bitchy mime. I've never thought about that. Just a mime just looking pissed off. Oh, man. I love it, dude. All right. Well, thanks so much. The movie is Nine Days. It's out now. It's very cool, very deep, very, like I said, very original. So definitely go check it out. And you're one of the

best in the biz, man. Thanks so much. Thanks, guys. And the final episode of Mysterious Benedict Society I do is this Friday night. Check it out. It's really a beautiful show. Great stuff, man. Thanks so much.

Thank you so much, Tony. Guys, thank you for being so great. Blessings to you. You as well. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.