KFC Radio - Ms Pat, Francis, Brendan Fraser, and What Decade Could You Play Pro SPorts?

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

Ms Pat tells us about getting her nipple shot off and discusses selling drugs with Francis. Brendan Fraser lets a few arrows fly. John is writing all his thoughts down in a notebook and reads a few on the show. Voicemails include: what decade could you be a pro athlete, show her your butthole, the worst kink, cooler than an age group.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Boston yesterday. I saw Willie this morning when I got off the elevator. It's like a 7 a.m. train, no big deal. It literally is not a big deal. It's literally not, but it is. For you, it's a big deal. But it is.

And Willie was like, Fotherberg, man, I feel like you always have luggage. You're always traveling. And I said, Willie, my team's in the playoffs. I go home. So you're right. I fucking hate you, dude. It's crazy that you're going to win three titles. Oh, yeah, we are so weak.

You're definitely winning the Stanley Cup. The Eastern Conference Finals, it was 6-0. I know. That's a joke. That's so stupid. That's so stupid. That's fun. So who did you play in the first round? First round was Toronto. All right. So that's so stupid that's so hard that's that's fun so so who'd you play the first round

uh first round was toronto all right so that that's a tough series and then then you played the eighth seed and now the seventh seed i mean that's a joke but you know what you know what what because as soon as i like fucking tampa bay and uh and and the islanders could suck a dick dude as soon as i as soon as that was happening i tweeted um looking at our run to the Stanley Cup. And it was like Dwight smiling. And I got a million people all take to expose me. That was stupid. Guess what, motherfuckers?

I'm going to retweet all of it. I mean, the fact that the Islanders got fucking swept and then you get your doors blown off. It's just like, come on. The Bruins have somebody step up for this. This is like, to me, this is not so

what I'm trying to decide if I'm gonna say this rant for after the cup or not. I'm gonna say, Oh my God. It's so annoying. It's so obnoxious. I'm going to, I'm going to save this rant.

John will be drinking his New Amsterdam vodka celebrating. I will be drowning my sorrows. Not that I even care about the Stanley Cup, but just another Boston parade. God damn it. There's a rant coming. Winter is coming. Ranting is coming. I have a rant that is going to fucking knock your nipples off.

And it's coming after we win the Cup. Speaking of knocking nipples off, we'll have Miss Pat on the program later, if you don't know about her. She's literally had her nipples shot off. She got her nipples shot off, so she's a trip. Whether you're drinking vodka to celebrate, whether you're drinking vodka to take the edge off, whether you just want to have a couple cocktails,

you want to drink it straight, you want to do shots, you want to drink mixed drinks, New Amsterdam Vodka is the best and smoothest vodka for any and all occasions where you want to kick back and have a few cocktails. New Amsterdam Vodka, check it on out. This is the greatest show. We light it up, we won't come down. And the sun can't stop us now.

What's it going to do? It's picking up on you. Oh, this is the greatest show. The greatest show on Earth, KFC Radio. Back once again live. Yeah, no, it is. It's the best show. I listen to the podcast now.

Yeah? Not ours? Uh-huh. I don't know. It's me. This is a very good podcast. It's a great podcast. Other podcasts.

There's so many of them are very bad. I have no interest in them. No. Well, you know why? I'll tell you. You know why? This isn't very good. They're not.

The difference is, John. I wasn't very interested in that. I'll tell you why. Do you? They're not. The difference is, John. I was very interested in that. I'll tell you why. Do you want to know why you weren't? I mean, we're not on those shows. No. It's not interesting if we're not on it. It's such a weird thing how much we hate each other but like each other for ourselves.

Yeah, right. It's very, it's funny. I remember Scott Van Pelt once said. I got mad at how bad Bill Simmons was if we're being totally honest. It makes me furious when someone makes that much money. This fucking stinks. Yeah. This podcast fucking stinks.

Yeah, sometimes it's crazy what people will listen to. I feel like we can't have a wasted moment. If we go on a tangent that's a little too long or a story that's not great. I'm like, yeah. It's like we have a bad conversation. We need to move on from this topic. And there are podcasts that will go for three hours long and they just have all sorts of bad conversations.

I'm like, yo, we need a tight like one hour of voicemails, a couple of a couple interviews to get you like done. That's it. I can't even begin to imagine a time where I just like go on and on and take all these different topics and meandering through. And it's like, dude, but people listen to those things. It's crazy. It's crazy. I agree. Do you want me to read you my random thoughts yeah let's do that in a moment

speaking of that john's gonna open up his little notebook and tell you all his all the thoughts in his brain well but even that's a little more interesting because well john has a secret notebook i just thought that was a funny segue it is no it is we're gonna do it because john has a secret notebook and secret notebooks are very different than just're gonna do it because john has a secret notebook and secret notebooks are very different than just being boring on a podcast john has a little fucking notebook i'm not gonna read everything because i have some really good ideas oh yeah i'm sure you do sure you do let's keep all those fucking in your back pocket instead of getting rich off them dumb idiot i'm dead serious we got i'm gonna skip some things because you can't tell that

you can't let the world know yeah they'll steal your ideas. I'm dead too. I can tell you're very dead too. I have multiple multi-million dollar ideas in here and I've only been keeping this notebook for a weekend. Something smells funny in here. Something burning? You smell that? Is that my microphone?

Imagine the office caught on fire. Would you go out? I wouldn't. Let me tell you something. Is that my microphone? Imagine the office caught on fire. Would you go out? Just let it consume me? Let me tell you something. I don't know. I might run in. I wouldn't sit here and let the fire get me. Maybe I'd run into the fire.

Oh. I wouldn't wait for it. I don't think that human nature would allow you to do that. Oh, I don't think I obey human nature most of the time. You got this rasp going on, too. You just sound like the nhl the place is so long i've been i haven't had a voice in like three weeks it's crazy i've been it's nuts something's on fire here in the new office it's probably dave setting setting the

place on fire we did the rundown today in the hallway instead of in the new set because dave says it's too nice which means that like a couple assholes complained that like Barstool sold out. Dave's actually listening to them. So now we have the set that was designed. We have the set that spent money. It's like just going to look nice while we be our usual funny selves. And instead we're doing it in a fucking hallway. Oh, I'll tell you who said Pete.

Pete said something on fire. Pete's burning this place to the ground after Dave made that decision. So fucking stupid. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you two things. First of all, Dave Portnoy would have forgot about that in 24 hours the fact that we made the switch very quickly after dave went on a rant like dave rants about everything you just let him go for 24 to 48 hours and he completely forgets about it we could use the set as we design the set but no somebody

decided we have to make the flip we have to flip the switch and make the change immediately well now there's no going back uh that's stupid. Speaking of Dave, I saw Dave this weekend. The best way to make Dave like you, which he was happy to see me this weekend, I think, just have him surrounded by people he doesn't like. Yes. Then you're the lesser of two evils. We were walking through the concourse, or not together, but I was walking through the concourse and he was walking the opposite direction.

And I saw him and I was like, Dave direction and I saw him I was like Dave what up and I just threw my fist out just a little pound quick pound and he's final burn the happiest he's ever been because he was surrounded

by stoolies at the game takes pictures and the press you know what would drive me fucking crazy we don't have anything like this people want to take pictures

I guess you had it with Saturday for the boys I've never had this what he gets now I got a pizza place for you you gotta go to my uncle's spot he makes it with the sauce it's like shut the fuck up man I tell you the pizza's probably between a six and an eight like every other slice has ever had who fucking cares I recently had that happen for the first time in forever like Saturday for the boys

is dead yeah this is called what it says yeah it was a good run but it's so and uh I was waiting in line for a bar two weeks ago after a Bruins game. And someone did a selfie video. And they're like, Videlberg, what are Saturdays for? And I was like, apparently losing to the fucking Blue Jackets. And he's like, come on, man. Give it to me. Like, really? Can you just do it?

And I was like, no. I'm not doing it. I thought you just came off a loss. I was like Eminem not doing fucking Slim Shady, I don't know, whatever it is. But I was like, no, I'm not doing it. He's like, can you please do it? I was like, fine. Deadpan.

I looked sadder saying that. What a dick. What a dick. That's like, just give the guy what he wants and let him fucking go on his that. What a dick. What a dick. That's like, just give the guy what he wants and let him fucking go on his way. I was mad. Just lost to the fucking Columbus Blue Jackets. I was not in a good mood. We were at Barcelona Ballpark this weekend,

and they sent the alcohol compliance team over to our section. Nice. Which is basically, they wear windbreakers that literally say on the back, alcohol compliance. I was like, you might as well just put just put like i'm an asshole on the back alcohol compliance yeah it is it is a flex if you're wearing it uh outside i mean they just came over to make sure that people stop drinking when they're supposed to stop drinking because our crew just blows past like the rules and we always get like bartenders are like yeah here you

go here you go or they stockpile the drinks or whatever they just came over to fucking just be dicks to us it's like they sent through like they sent like the navy seals over to like our squad it was like big big dudes earpieces radios the whole nine flashlights earpieces yeah it was like security come over make sure we stop drinking they just all here when they're wearing earpiece to do like a video i'm like all right if you have an earpiece in you better be protecting the president exactly exactly that's it the only circumstances i will accept it under uh all right anyway back on track here oh well back to the office let me just say this if you think that like this office being nice matters or changes something you're a fucking

idiot like we are i i'm gonna be the same goddamn moron i've been the entire time people have said this about the office in boston they said this about the office in Boston. They said it about the first office in New York. They said it about the rundown changing from Skype. They said it about all of us moving here, moving there. I will be fair. I said it when New York happened. You thought it was going to be too nice.

I was like 17. Yeah. I was like, oh, when I started. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've done it for every expansion. You've watered this down. You change this, change that. And we still continue to grow.

We still continue to do the same stupid stuff. It's the same drama. It's the same. Like, no one's gotten better. Now, it's not like Dave's going to get names right. It's not like we're going to stop saying things that we shouldn't say. Nothing has ever changed other than the location. And now we have, like, a nice place and and people want

to blow it all up i'll tell you what the problem is too they don't have a cool studio they've had a cool studio or a cool office he'd be cool you know i love it here because this one's awesome everybody else has a shitty room so they're like fuck this office like well once barstool radio gets like a nice off like i think sam's doing it now oh yeah he's got a great idea for it he's gonna love it yeah but the moon man the dude who made the the moon man painting is also going to do the the serious room and it is going to come out very fire the idea he has is dope uh so rest of the show today we have voicemails to get to obviously we have miss pat on the show if you don't know miss pat she is a fucking legend of life not of comedy not a legend of the game just of living humans it sucks how much funnier black people are than i really is tough

but you know what it almost i take solace in it but i take solace and it's just like well we're white can't change that yeah so no one is ever gonna judge me to be funnier than black people she's like me like like i mean her her gay her gay daughter who she wanted you to know she's gay she said that many times it was was hilarious. Her people would have a better podcast than us. This woman, Miss Pat, she sold crack at the age of 14. She's been shot. She's been run over by a dump truck. She's lived to actually a very, like a dunk.

People don't hit that hard enough. She got hit by a dump truck. Hit by a dump truck. Yeah. Remember our guy, Adam Devine, got hit by a dump truck. Remember that? Yeah, he broke everything. Right.

I mean, Miss Pat, she's still chugging along. Adam Devine barely, you know, he almost didn't survive. So she's now a comedian after being a crack dealer and, like, did whatever she had to do to get up out of the hood, and now she's just got the best sense of humor in the fucking world. So... One of my favorite interviews. Yeah, well, because we also pulled in the whitest person in the world, Francis.

I was on very little of it. I almost wanted to just walk out of the room and just let Francis and Miss Pat do their thing because you could not find two more polar opposite people than those two. Also tonight, Francis makes his Answer the Internet debut, which you can imagine the deep, dark brain of Francis Ellis answering some of the deep, dark questions of the Internet is a match made in heaven. So those interviews coming up. Brendan Fraser also wraps things up today in Cino man.

And, uh, and, uh, you didn't lead with them. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And Cino man is,

is that the one for me? So a couple of good interviews to, to, uh, to, uh, wrap things up today. But before we do all that,

we got to get to final Berg's notebook, the deep thoughts, the final Berg's notebook. He's got his little Larry David book. That's all brought to you by Postmates. Fights is going to deliver you some ideas the same way that... By the way, I'm drinking... If you're on barstoolgold.com slash KFC, you can see that I'm having a bit...

You want a drink? I'll have a little bit, yeah. You want this? Yeah. Okay. There's also Casamigos up there. Yeah, I know. That's what I was asking if you wanted.

Well, it's just... You know, I told them that you're drinking New Amsterdam vodka, so. So now you're not. But whatever. You know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, pour it up. What? Yeah, it's fine.

John's drunk, so we're going to get reading his thoughts uh from his secret notebook which is just absolutely the most ridiculous visual in the world I think oh fuck off we're gonna get a big fight about it is this little it looks like uh like this looks hang on I'm not gonna read it I just want to touch it for a second this looks like something that Indiana Jones carry around okay this looks like so the Indiana Jones would open up in his like archaeology fucking like uh you know crusade and it's it's got like a brown like manila paper it's very tiny it's probably it's probably four by three it's four by five by four it's very it'll last me until 15 years. I was going to say, you bought 100 of them. One page is filled right now. One weekend.

Okay. So this is ridiculous. And the thought that you couldn't just put this on your iPhone notes or text yourself or text us with the idea. It's definitely different because we've talked about this. There are things that way you are more. If I just wrote it on my iPhone notes, I wouldn't care. I'm more inclined to go more invested in these yeah yeah i'm seeing a little blue ink a little black ink i lost a lot

of ink yeah yeah uh okay so and it's funny this looks like i mean you could do some like handwriting analysis here it's like sometimes it's capital letters sometimes it's cursive oh i'm gonna say yeah oh yeah this looks like oh my god this looks like many different personalities yeah this man is a schizophrenic it's actually it's actually incredible it's really weird i mean i mean this this looks like there's about uh one two three four five six seven eight nine ten probably let's say 22 lines of of writing here this looks like 22 different people wrote this yeah no i mean i'm a crazy person this is weird you're a weird dude it's john's thoughts i'm actually like post i'm gonna be totally honest with you the way you just looked at me kind of hurt yeah well i've told you forever that i'm crazy i know but now i know yeah it's kind of been like funny for the show and i'm like

oh i don't know which personality i'm talking to right now like who with whom am i speaking you're 100 right wow you're a fucking lunatic dude yeah postmates bro i had a postmates rom-com moment i've been waiting for this by the way i've been waiting i get postmates so often i get so many delivery people and i'm always you know i'm tweeting about their names or whatever but i was like one of these days it's gonna be a hot chick and it finally happened uh her name was yesenia actually it was yesenia's buddy she was sitting shotgun and she huh he said shit what he said she was she was sitting shotgun she was sitting shotgun she pops out and she was sexy now she's not like

you know drop dead gorgeous but she was good enough and she brings my. Not like drop-dead gorgeous, but she was good enough. And she brings my bags over, and I had ordered some milk, some diapers, and some Lucky Charms. That's kind of my go-to order because the kids love Lucky Charms. And she says to me, Lucky Charms, huh? With this puzzled look. And I was like, yeah, listen, the kids like them. Meanwhile, I'm going to smash three bowls of that later tonight myself. And she just looks at me, and she goes, oh, I have two boys myself.

I know how it goes. And I look, no ring on the finger. She's got her two kids. I was like, you know what? Yesenia's friend helping her deliver Postmates, we're meant to be. Okay? This is where my love story starts. And then I didn't do anything about it.

And she just got back in the car and probably kept making her rounds. But one of these days, one of these days, Yesenia is going to come back around because I've had repeat Postmates before because they're all in my area. And when that person comes around, I'm going to say, yo, you remember your friend like two months ago came out and delivered me the Lucky Charms? Give me her number.

Give me her IG. I'll get it done. That's my love story. Give me the IG. And when it happens and we're getting married, we have Postmates to thank you. Now, most people are just going to get things delivered. I get love delivered to me by Postmates, but you can get your groceries, your food, your liquor,

whatever you want delivered right to your door within the hour, 24-7, 365. And right now, you can do it all for free, no delivery charge when you use the promo code KFC. Download the Postmates app. When you make your delivery, you put in the promo code, it'll wipe off the delivery charge for the next seven days up to $100. You'll be getting everything delivered for free. It's Postmates, promo code KFC. Johnny, deep thoughts over here.

Give me some of your ideas, man. And, I mean, if you're watching Barstool Gold now, you're about to watch, like, the rantings of a madman. Make sure you download Gold. If you're watching Barstool Gold, you're seeing I'm texting because I'm texting Logan because the new one thing I learned is coming out right now. Oh, boy. The New Orleans story.

The New Orleans story. That's kind of where you could argue that the crazy began or you really realized you were just something different. It began. It began. Go to BarstoolGold.com. It began when I ran around as Peter Pan for two years. That's true.

Actually, all the other one thing you learned is where it all began. I'm honestly going to skip the ideas I learned. Okay. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. Go watch the one thing I learned. You can watch the video podcast. You can watch behind the blog. You can do all the other videos.

It's just really one page. It's just one page. Okay. So I write down thoughts I like and words I hear that I like. Okay. So profligacy. Profligacy. I like that word.

What the fuck does that mean? It's reckless extravagance. Oh, okay. It's a good word. I would like to be profligic. No, profligic. No, no. Erascible.

Erascible is a good word. What does it mean? It means easily angry. Where do these words come from? You see them and then you write them down? This is the book I'm reading right now. Oh. You read a book and you write down your thoughts.

I just write down words I like. I'm skipping around the pages to get the words. We can do that in a section. Apocryphal. I love that word. That's a good one. What does that mean? It's like uh like fake

like god right yeah yeah yeah exactly um okay uh so let's see what else we got here i love he wrote the date down 5 7 19 was in scribbles like like it matters like these dumb ass thoughts matter yeah no i get it john i know that's when you started all right so i was home i was home and my dad was gardening. I thought it was funny that my dad builds new worlds and creates new life just so he doesn't have to talk to us.

It was funny. He's like, he's out there just building new worlds. He's like, I just want to... He's planting flowers. I want to get away...

A garden is a new world. That I made by making other life. I just don't want to be around my children yeah yeah that makes sense bartolo cologne out here he just wants like another family so my mom's new hobby is this is all true it sounds like i'm setting up jokes like my mom's new hobby she drives around and she picks up homeless people what polly what are you doing? She, she, but she asked if they're exercising first. She goes, are you exercising?

And if they say no, she's like, do you want to ride then? Oh my God. So, so she might, she was like, I don't want to interrupt if someone's going for a walk or they're just out here on purpose. But if you're not and you just need somewhere to go, I'll take you. Where does she take the homeless people? I guess, mean i guess they're not homeless they're just poor but she how does she decide who's poor enough so if polly if polly feidelberg pulls over and asks you to go somewhere right now you're in the boston area and you need to kill yourself

because you look like a homeless person and the thing is she asks if you know who she is because she's not because she's a she's not because of my mom. But for the last five years or so, seven years, she volunteers at a homeless shelter. Got it. And she does not want you to know who she is. So she's like, do you know who I am? And if they say yes, is she just like, peel out?

I don't know. But as I imagine. What's up with that being like nice and like interacting with people and stuff that's not like you know apple fell very far from the tree no but she but she like hates them like poly fights hates the homeless like they're she doesn't like them uh is she doing this for the credit? No, she doesn't. See, that's... Apple falls very far.

She did one this weekend or this past week where there was a very overweight African-American woman. There's no reason I specify that she's black. It's just... Other than the racism. To paint the picture. Yeah. And she was in a dress and high heels

walking up this hill by our house. And my mom pulled up two blocks ahead and yelled down the hill. You want a ride? Are you walking for exercise? And the woman yelled back. I'm in heels and a dress, bitch. No. My mom goes, I'll give you a ride.

And my mom's like, she was across the city. It would have taken her the entire day to go where she wanted to go. What the fuck is this about, man? It's just what she likes to do. And so you just wrote that down in your notebook, like mom's driving homeless people. Well, it's one of mom's things, yeah. I got other mom stuff if you want.

Give me one more. Give me another highlight from page number one my grandmother died my grandfather they wanted to go to grief counseling this is all stories you just told me this weekend and they went to grief counseling

group grief counseling and one woman was like I've tried to come here so many times I'd reverse my car out of the garage I just couldn't get it in gear and I was like, I've tried to come here so many times. I kept like, I'd reverse my car out of the garage and I just couldn't get it in gear. And I was like, I mean, you could. I mean, you're making excuses. But you could. If you just put it in gear, you would have gotten here.

And then in the car on the way home with my mom and all her siblings and my grandfather, they just went, Pauly, so we're done with this, right? So we'll never be going back, right? We made an honest effort. We never went back. I love that. So, by the way, we can put that to bed, huh? You could have made it.

Try harder. Thanks. I just tried. We're going to need to keep a? You could have made it. Try harder. Thanks. You just tried. We're going to need to keep a running update. Also, I got another thing. Okay. When did we decide to not take the tails off shrimp? Yeah, that's terrible.

No, you know what, though? I like it. It gives you a handle. I don't like it. I call it a shrimp handle. No, it's like in scampi and stuff. That's bad. I got a cocktail shrimp to give you something to hold on to.

I got a surf and turf this weekend. Scallops, delicious. Steak, delicious. Shrimp, covered in tails. It's crazy down. I'm trying to wedge the fork in and get the fork. Yeah, that's the whole thing. Also, I got a lot of stuff to say.

Women, by the wayhuh been doing curls all winter yeah jacked huge just in general women like most girls i was walking around this weekend i was like all of you just been doing curls he's been in the basement doing curls all winter it's insane squats out curls in so well maybe it's just maybe you're feeling a little insecure about your own arms doubt that you're a doofus about your own arms. Doubt that. You're a doofus. Let's do some voicemails. They're brought to you by Brewmate.

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or four cups of like the copper mugs with some insulation uh it actually has some tops on it so that you can pop a top on it's like one of the stemless wine glasses i have them i have a pair with uh it looks like a wood like exterior so it's like you're drinking out like a wood cup but it's like a stainless steel like a copper mug sort of and it has yeah it has these plastic tops that's uh snap on and you slide like a little thing open and close so you can sip on it and then also close it up so you know you go for a nice little picnic you go to the beach you go out and it keeps your drink cold keeps that wine at like a nice like you know chilled temperature you can put anything in there to drink it uh from wine to beer to regular soft drinks whatever you

want uh you can put your whiskey in there if you want make it like a nice little classy way to walk around you don't drink out of a flask like you're some sort of bum that Mrs. Feidelberg is picking up on the streets. You're going to have yourself a nice little insulated bottle courtesy of Brewmate. So go to brewmate.com. It's B-R-U-M-A-T-E.com. Use code KFC at checkout. You get 15% off your first order. They also have sunglasses.

I got sunglasses that match my wine cups now. They have like the wooden, what are these called? Not the lenses, not the frames, but the stick part. Stems. The stems? No, it doesn't sound right. But you know, the stick part that goes around your ear. The legs of the glasses. The arms of the glasses that go around your ear. I think that's what it is. The arms? Yeah, I don't think that's right either.

No, I think that's it. Okay. I think legs is totally wrong, but I think arms is right. Brewmate.com. Code KFC. Get some nice insulated drink wear and a pair of shades while you're at it. Nice for the outdoor situation. Voicemails, I believe we have some heaters. I feel like it was

a good crop, so let's get into it. What's up, guys? I was listening to Thursday's episode where you were talking about how athleticism has gradually improved over the years. So I was wondering, how far back in time would you have to go with your current skill set to be equivalent to the professional athlete in whatever sport you wanted to play?

Barring out KFC injuries or whatever, if your body wouldn't fall apart, how far back would you be able to go with your skills to play in the pros? Not far. You're drunk. How far? 60s. You think you'd be a professional athlete in the 60s? Yep.

What sport? Hockey? Hockey or baseball. So you think, you know, Ted Williams played in the 40s. So you think you're better than like that? Like, you think you're better than him? I don't know if I'd be the best player. Just going to crack the league.

You can make it. I think I would. I think it's granted that I have the millennial complex. But I do think that I would make the league in the 60s. That's insanity. That is so stupid. That is so stupid. That is so stupid. I don't think so.

I mean, I was going to say like 400. I was going to travel back to pre-Magna Carta to make it. This is why I'm happy that I always hate myself because you know I'm not just being sarcastic. I genuinely believe it. Right. Well, now I also know how stupid you are. The 60s is not far enough back.

Luckily for me, you don't know which one of me is stupid. Yeah. Which personality? John's third personality could make it in the 60s, but not the current one. No, I mean, I think... Well, I mean, I was just thinking that, you know, great athleticism...

The goalies didn't wear fucking helmets. Are we fucking... Are you kidding me? Yeah, yeah. Why didn't people just snipe you in the face? Like, you know, great athleticism. The goalies didn't wear fucking helmets. Are we fucking, are you kidding me? Yeah, why didn't people just snipe you in the face? Like, trust me, you're going to get out of the way of a puck going at your fucking face. You're going to get the hell out of the way of your face. No, I know, but like, just go up top with it, and you're going to feel like, you're going to feel the pressure when the puck is flying very close to your face at all times. I think they're just insane people.

Yeah, you absolutely had to be nuts. Current lacrosse goalies are nuts. They're crazy. Like, lacrosse goalies are nuts. They're crazy. Like, lacrosse goalies don't have enough pads to just get, like, a very hard ball whipped to them, like, 100 miles an hour. That hits you in the shin, man. Yeah, but I agreed with you, but...

That just doesn't happen. They just don't get hit in the shins. Which, by the way, is a super easy sport. You could go pro right now. Huh? Could you go pro right now? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Barstoolgoal.com slash KFC to see the now? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Barstoolgoal.com slash KFC to see the reaction on that one. I couldn't do that. I did. I mean, like, I played it my sophomore year when I transferred to prep school. I played it my sophomore year. Yeah, you were too good. And I was like...

This is too easy. This is easy. I'm going to go back to baseball. You're such an asshole. I'm trying to think of, like, some of the other stars of the 60s. I don't think you'd be good enough man because like also by the way what are we are we okay dude like you're traveling back in time in the 70s they were smoking cigarettes at halftime did you see the video i tweeted out not

too long ago super bowl four i think it was they somebody died in the fucking pregame festivities. They did a like a Civil War reenactment and somebody got shot with one of the fucking cannons and fucking died. They also had a guy who. Yes. Yes. Civil War. It was a crazy. It was like it was a circus, a genuine literal circus. They also had a guy come down, I think, on like a hot air balloon, like it was a circus a genuine literal circus they also had a guy come

down i think on like a hot air balloon like a like a parachute and then he got like pulled like pulled away and was just getting ripped through the crowd of people getting like torn apart by the fucking parachute it was wild bro did you see that when i retweeted it yeah it was nuts somebody died right and i thought the funniest part was that everybody looked like they were just like well we just have to deal with this. The guy was like whipping through. People were like helping him and trying to be like, oh, gosh. I guess things can go wrong when you try to parachute into the middle of a game.

They tried to make it like a huge pregame spectacle. And there was a death. And the way they did it, the NFL Films guy was like, yeah, I mean, people were just, you know, like people, people, it was like pure chaos and it turns out that like somebody actually died doing it too and that was the end of that and they just like moved on crazy what the hell yeah so that was going on so you're probably right in that era where people were dying in the pregame show maybe you could make it to the league i could okay yeah i mean like i honestly i i think if you were a varsity athlete

are you gonna like try hard alright we're gonna travel back in time but you're gonna be like dedicated and motivated and take care of your body

and shit if it was a bet yeah if you told me I couldn't do it then yes I think if you were a varsity athlete

on a pretty good team in the 60s you could play pro I mean like my uncle was a professional basketball player in europe and he was like he's like i didn't think about weight like we didn't know like weights

were good for yeah yeah yeah they were eating and drinking he's like he's like 10 years older than yeah like it's pretty easy i think final answer for me i'm going like it mightn't be like bc and even then it's like the greeks were like faster and better and better athletes than I was. You know, the gods. No, like, like,

like marathon, like the dude marathon. Yeah. And yes. And so in the marathons older than the gods, I don't think anything's older than the gods. Well, the marathon is really old.

The gods. I think the dude marathon is more athletic than I am. I wouldn't. Yeah. I'm saying like all these guys were, you've never died from running. It's true, but. All right.

All right. Point KFC. Nice voicemail. Hi. First time calling in. Kind of tying back to the whole looking at a girl's asshole when you're railing her from behind. Oh, railing her from behind. Oh, railing her from behind.

Geez. I obviously knew. I don't understand how someone doesn't know that that's the thing that people would be looking at because if I was back there, that's the number one thing I would be looking at. Of course. So my ex-boyfriend, I asked him if I could look at his asshole because if he's looking at mine on a daily basis,

I should get to look once. And he refused and he was so embarrassed about it and it came down to the fact like he didn't when he showered he didn't wash his butt cheeks like he didn't use soap between his ass cheeks so you can get like i don't god only knows what the fuck was going on down there he didn't want me to see it and he was like vehemently against it so i guess and that was just so disgusting and i still updated him months after finding out that he didn't watch between his ass cheeks and i guess like my question for you guys is just what's the most disgusting thing about significant other that you just kind of accept because they're your significant other and you love them we went on a journey here. There's a lot to unpack.

There's too much to unpack. The request is... There are certain double standards in the world, Hun, and that's one of them. We get to look at your asshole. You don't get to, and nor should you want to look at ours. I protect my asshole like it's Fortnite. I get

dressed after sex. It's, it's amazing. Like I'm, farsightedworld.com. I'm Josh Casey. I, like I believe this.

You will never, you'll never catch me bending over. You'll never see me from behind. None of that, man. So I don't think you should even want to see it. I don't understand that. I think that guy,

I think that guy, I mean, why do we want to see it? Girls are pretty though though girls have pretty butts pretty guys don't have pretty butts that's the thing girls you don't need you need to understand that what's going on there for especially for like the general population but you got to think we're we're on the higher side of like we'll take care of ourselves for the most part there are some guys i mean i will wash my asshole yeah i don't think that guy's i think that guy's lying i think he wants i think he wants her to never ask this question again so he just said he just said uh bless us i i washed my asshole guilty honey like yo babe like eligible bachelor over here

clean butt soap in the butt no problem um the grossest thing it's funny you say that because i think um my answer is is uh like a gross butt i was dating a girl who like you know they don't often sometimes they don't take care of like shave yeah and then it's like well you what looks like mine and then i tried to like drop me like what's the i've never've never seen that. It's not great. It's really not. But like, like how, how many hairs does it take to get you to think that? Oh,

oh, it was, I mean, I couldn't even count individual. It was like a, it was a hairy butt. Oh, it was bad to show you how,

how much I don't want to like go through a breakup. I was like, I guess I just have to put up with that. And I would drop hints being like, you know, can you like next time you're're shaving like go to the back a little bit and she kind of like yeah like one time i got the nerve i know exactly i got the nerve to say it and she kind of was like offended but she got the message but then like didn't really take care of it i think i feel like girls nowadays just like full-blown wax electrolysis or whatever it's

called laser take it all off. Yeah, all off. That's the way to go, girls. I don't think I've ever had anything. What does that mean? Like where I'm in that because. Oh, like of a gross. There's never been something gross about a girl?

No. I mean, like, it sounds lame, but like I. I was with a girl once who didn't have the best fragrance. Oh, that's disgusting, Kevin. It's terrible. Jesus Christ. Sometimes, you know... Who the fuck are you?

Where are you picking up these women? It was high school. It was all high school. Dairy assholes and stinky women. See, that's the thing. I think when you're younger, people don't... They're not thinking. I think you are projecting. I feel like when you're younger, people don't, they're not thinking. I think you are projecting.

I feel like when you're younger, you don't know what's expected of you as much. I know I've never dated a stinky woman or a hairy asshole. Gotta get around more, bro. Experience life. Next up. Sorry to bring that up. Bingo out of Omaha, Nebraska. It's been a long time.

Bingo. So quick question. What do you think would be the worst kink to have? Like, nothing illegal, okay? Don't get ahead of yourself. But, like, is it difficult to get off unless that, that, that. What's the one that's like, man, that's,

that's a real pain in the ass. That's sorry to go through that every time. Being a furry. No, totally disagree. Yeah. Hard. It is to dress up as a fucking furry animal.

But when they put like, you have conventions, you have, all right. It's like once a year I get together with my people. What about like a Friday night where I just want to get some pussy? It's like, it's like every weekend,

different, different towns, but I don't want to have to travel out of town to get laid. I think it's very easy to get laid in a furry. Well, I think you're wrong. How about My Little Bronies? The brony culture? They're like My Little Pony.

Yeah, basically the same thing where they dress up as unicorns. I think anything that has a convention is not easy. What is your thing? By the way, we're throwing out, like you said, child porn and illegal shit. Animal bestiality is too big. I'm trying to think. I don't know what my answer is. But I think if you have a convention, it's not hard.

I mean, there's a vast difference between a convention and just going out and getting some. Well, yeah. I mean, I like vagina. Vagina. Austin Powers over here. This is my wife. A lot of vagina I can go out

and get vagina but I only say it that way it's weird I didn't try and do it that time vagina vagina

um I think terrible word terrible word I think it's pretty hard to if you if you can only get off

on people I think if there's if there's a community I guess it depends on like how, how about those guys who get crushed by fat women? That's tough. Just go find fat.

I don't know what that is, Kevin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys, they like to get sat on by fat girls, like almost like smothered to death.

I haven't heard of it. I guess, I guess it's kind of easy to find fat people, but then you got to be like, you want to come home and sit on me. That's tough. Classic pickup line. That's the one I use. You want to come sit on my face?

Usually that works with all shapes and sizes. I'm over. I don't like the Asians who smash small animals, too. Don't like that. Crushing. That would be a tough fetish to have. I don't think it's easy to find Asians willing to crush animals, too. Don't like that. Crushing. That would be a tough fetish to have. I don't think it's easy to find Asians willing to crush chinchillas. I don't think.

I don't think it's easy to find Asian women who are willing to kill chipmunks in cold blood. Difficult. I'm learning about all of these fetishes. Phil Simmons ain't talking about this shit. Hell no. Hell no. Hell no. Even like the latex thing where they wrap you up in plastic wrap like Dexter. You ever see those?

I'd be down with that. Would you? I would never. I would never. If I was ever – I'll do some light fucking handcuff play. But if you are like – if my body is immobilized, what if they were just like, gotcha, bitch. It was a joke. I'm not going to let you out.

Yeah, no. The only worry with doing that to me would be when I'm yelling, you're like, fucking do it. Right. You need a safe fucking word. No, I'm saying do it. Oh. And you're like, I'm not ready to kill you.

I'm like, fucking do it. Last fucking voicemail is brought to you by Roman. You got a fetish and you want to make sure you can get your dick up. You want to make sure you can rise to the occasion for furries or crushing or latex or fat people, whatever your kink is. Roman is the place to go. Also, you know, not only on top of your sexual performance, you got to make sure that people are attracted to you and want to hook up with you. Usually a nice head of hair is the key to that. So in all ways, shapes, and forms, Roman is going to help you find some love, find a partner, and make sure you keep them satisfied in bed. You're going to stop the hair loss. You're going to keep the dick up. And you're going to stay manly. Just be a true man out there with a nice

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And so I was thinking, what is the age that you think you're cooler than everyone in that age group? So, like, I know I'm cooler than every three-year-old out there. Like, they can't do any cool shit. But, like, there's definitely, like, a 13-year-old X Games snowboarder that is way cooler than me so somewhere in that range i think for myself i'm not very cool so where do you guys think you fall where you're definitely cooler than everyone at that age now all right thanks bye i don't know if i fully understand this is a hard question at what age i mean at what age are you cooler than everyone else your age that means just like are you the coolest person in the world? Do I think I'm the coolest 26-year-old, 27-year-old, 28-year-old, 29-year-old alive out of all of them?

I don't think so. Well, he was talking about how he thinks a 13-year-old is cooler than him. Yeah. So it's not comparing to the same age. It's comparing to other ages. So I get to say. I see. Okay.

I think he said he's cooler than every two year old. Oh, yeah. Right. I think if you like two year old suck. I don't know. I got a party. Everybody wants to play with that kid. That's true.

If I was a college, if I was a freshman, that's a temporary thing. I'm very cool. If you were a freshman college right now, you'd be cool. I don't know about that, but I think You'd be like a big, fat super senior. They'd be like, hey, fucking old man, get out of here. I imagine you fucking morph to look like the people. Why would you imagine that? Well, in that case, then no.

I mean, look, if I'm going to be a three-year-old, then no. In preschool, they're going to be like, what the fuck's his deal? I imagine you blend in a little better. No. Right? Am I crazy? My answer can't be a five-year-old, because guess what? They're going to say, that dude's too old.

If you roll up to preschool, and you're not shitting in your pants, and you got cool stuff, and you don't have a bedtime, you're cool. He said he's older than three-year-olds, right? So he doesn't look like a three-year-old i think we can i think you morph i don't think you do you i don't i'm not damn it where are you do you think you morph what are we talking about here no i i don't think that this guy was talking about morphing i think he just said not at all all right fine i'm cooler than one year old i'm cooler than two year olds i'm cooler than three year olds where does it stop it stops at i'm

fucking hey fuck everybody i'm cooler than everyone i am cooler than everybody uh like i'm i'm cool like everyone in college fuck you i'm cooler than you i'm smarter than you. I'm smarter than you. I have a better wealth of knowledge of the world. I'm better than you. Everyone in college, I'm better than you. What about everyone post-college? Depends what they do now. Someone works in Silicon Valley. You're cooler than them, smarter than them, better than them.

Silicon Valley? Everyone shits on the street. Fuck them. I'm better than them. What about investment bankers in New York City? This is probably where Vinny Meyers dies. in the street. Fuck them. I'm better than them. What about, like, investment bankers in New York City? They're probably wearing Vineyard Weinsteins.

Yeah, okay. What's it, 96? What about, like, MIT, like, engineering scientists? No, they're probably better than me. We found it.

I mean, they're better. I'm cooler than them. Oh, all right. Ready? Black people. You're cooler than them. Way cooler than them. Black people of any age. One year old, 101 year old, if you're black, you'm cooler than them. All right, ready? Black people. You're cooler than them. Way cooler. Black people of any age.

One-year-old, 101-year-old, if you're black, you're cooler than them. I have MIT. I do not have the black people. No. Blacks are very much funnier and cooler than we are. That's a fact, which is why we're going to sit down. We're going to talk to Miss Pat. This interview with Miss Pat is one of the most ridiculous,

about half hours of podcasting you're ever going to listen to, and it's brought to you by CBDMD. I would love to have actually asked Miss. Pat about her thoughts on the CBD, Grace. Just the fact that everybody's out here just popping gummies and doing little tinctures and vaporizing this and drinking that, getting into the CBD oil. It's a wild world out there, you know, bath bombs, some white people stuff right there, you know, my CBD bath bomb.

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and you get 25% off your order. That's CBDMD.com, code KFC for 25% off. Miss Pat, talk to them. Cool. All right, it's KFC Radio. We got Miss Pat in the building. You are one of our first interviews in our new office, our new studio. Nice, nice.

It's under construction. Yeah, it's clearly not done yet. But I was just reading up on your life story, and God damn, is it an interesting one. I don't know. Is that the word? Interesting? Crazy? Wild?

Hard? Tough? What? I mean, how would you describe your whole life? Every damn thing you just said. Yeah. Everything you just said. Yeah, I mean, it's even just the one article I was reading.

It was one of five single mom who was an alcoholic. Your grandpa rabbit was teaching you to hustle. I'm a rabbit. My grandpa wasn't a damn rabbit. How did you get that nickname? I used to say good pussy, but I'm lying. Nobody named me. I don't want to tell that lie. I used to like carrots but I'm lying. Nobody named me. I don't want to tell that lie. I used to like carrots when I was younger.

And my stepfather told me a lie. He's like, if you eat a lot of carrots, your eyes will be cute. So they started calling me that too. That's the biggest lie in the world. You know I'm fucking 40 and I wear glasses without them damn carrots that were stuck in my tooth. I could have just not ate carrots.

That is the biggest lie that's just the way that's like the umbrella man the umbrella working with the fucking the people who tell you it's gonna rain

and it don't fucking rain the other people yeah they got the best job in the world well like the cows cows lay down if you see cows

laying down that means it's gonna rain that's real country yeah that's a real one you wanna hear some crazy shit when I was younger

my mom used to have a garden she was all about planting every fucking thing because we was poor. When it wouldn't rain, she was like, go outside and put a bunch of nails in a tree. It's going to rain. I'm like, mama, we killing the fucking tree. My teacher says

it's not going to rain like that, mom. It never rained. What was the reasoning behind that? She said when you put a nail in a tree, it was supposed to rain, but that's a damn lie. Yeah, that's the most made-up shit I've ever heard about. I've never heard that at all. Yeah, they make up shit that make you do dumb shit.

Yeah. You ever think about that? Like back in the day with the farmer's almanacs and stuff like that and the crazy things that they used to be like, oh, this happened one time and it rained. 20 years from now, it works forever. How about the dumb shit? Like they tell you if a bird shits on you, it's good luck.

They're just telling you that because you got bird shit all over you. Yeah. Trying to make you feel better. I've had a bird shit. Ashley, wasn't that you? The bird shit in your mouth when you were little? Oh, no. In your mouth?

I swear to God, I believe she's gay. That bird shit in my baby's mouth when she was little. Yes, it did happen. Oh, it was on your head. Yeah, the bird shit in on her when she was. So the myth is if the bird shit on your baby, there's a good chance they might be gay. You remember that? Yeah, because I thought it was in her mouth.

Oh, Lord, I don't put the shit in my baby mouth. I had a buddy. This is when I was younger. I played hockey. You look like you played hockey. You look like the type of white baby that'll play hockey. But we had, you know, kind of sit around the locker room and you kind of bust baby that'll play hockey. But we had, we, you know, kind of sit around the locker room and you kind of bust

balls and stuff like that. Bust balls? You bust balls too? And you tell us stories and things. Okay, okay. And we had... And look, you're whipping towels too, probably off balls. Grab them and squeeze them. But we had, I had a buddy,

you know, we'd all heard at a young age I feel like that you learn that a if you you know you have sex with your sister

your baby comes out special needs and stuff like that and I had a kid that's white folk shit right there yeah I mean like it's not

it's just you have sex with a relative you can't cross pollinate right yeah it's some Lannister shit and you didn't fuck your sister no I'm gonna beat your ass You have sex with a relative. You can't cross-pollinate, right? Yeah. It's some Lannister shit. You didn't fuck your sister.

I'm going to beat your ass if you fucked your sister, white baby. I don't want to hear this shit if you fucked your white sister. This has gone off the rails. It was a kid whose cousin had jerked off and he came in his own mouth accidentally. And he was like, the kid was scared for weeks that he was going to turn retarded. Because he got his own DNA. So this kid was jacking his penis and came in his own mouth.

You know that's a lie because ain't no white boy got a dick big enough to come in his own mouth. That's a goddamn lie. We were like nine so probably definitely was a lie. But it was something I've thought about every single day since then. Like, would that have happened? I don't know.

I know some black men can't come in their own mouth, so I know no little white boy with no hockey outfit coming in their mouth. Come on now. That is a myth. You had a better job of fucking your sister. Jesus Christ, you wetting my panty line. You went that way, that way. I'll come to your own mouth. You don't get out of here lying, boy.

It wasn't me. It was a kid's cousin. You know that was him. Look, I'll tell you right now, Ms. Pat. You just tell me your fucking story. It was a friend of a friend of a cousin. It wasn't me. I'll tell you right now.

I promise you I could not come to my own mouth. I just, I just. I can't come in my own mouth either. I ain't seen my own mouth. I just, I just. I can't cut my own mouth either. I ain't seen my vagina since the 80s, so we in the same boat. I'm trying to lose weight now. I says there, but I don't know what's down there. No, I don't. I really don't.

I'm looking forward to finding out one day when I get my stomach done. Wow, I'm a girl. I'm old too. Confirmed, I stayed. I'm old too. I don't know what I'm old, too. Confirmed. I stayed. I'm old, too. I don't know what I'm shaving down there. You got bad eyes. You just shave and work out.

Hey, but I can feel like Rachel. Yo, so let me ask you this. How are you so funny and, like, you came in here and you're so pleasant and happy and, I mean but you went through some serious serious shit your whole life how do you stay i'd be i'd be a bitter motherfucker if i were you you know what i'm just i've learned to take what the shit that was put in life and i just i just found a way you know some people go to counseling for me it was finding a way to laugh at the bullshit that i've been through in life so I try to take every bit of my life and find some funny in it. Because I say this every night on stage. When you can laugh at the bullshit in your life, then you have control of that situation.

I don't dwell on shit I don't have control over. I can't change my past. I can't pick my mama. Ain't shit I can do about the past. All I can do is live for the day. So I just fucking laugh at everything. When people find, like, how can you laugh when my daughter came out and said she was gay? You know, I knew my daughter was gay for today. So I just fucking laugh at everything. When people find, like, how can you laugh like when my daughter came out

and said she was gay? You know, I knew my daughter was gay for years. My mother-in-law was like, this baby got a click-licking spirit, like third grade. We knew she was going to eat pussy. She was just waiting

to get old enough to find out the pussy she wanted to eat. And when she ran off and she came back, I was like, come on home and eat pussy at the house. It's cheaper.

You know, I find it funny in everything. And that's what I do each and every day. I like to fucking laugh. We interviewed Damon Wayans probably about six months ago. Marlo Wayans, I'm sorry. And he said that

he doesn't think that you can find funny unless you've had pain. That's the only way. I asked him why are black people funnier than white people? Good ass question. question thank you white dude you should run for fucking president

I'm so sick of hearing the cat jokes and white girls can't get no dick how can y'all not get no dick y'all invented sucking dick in the car

wow I'm so sick of these white bitches standing on stage talking about they can't get fuck my daughter eat you anytime what's your

what's your 1-800 number? She tell me to give her these gay shout outs. You know, I just hate people. I just, you know, comedians, you can tell when they're lying, when they really ain't been through shit. And I was like,

fuck your cat joke. Can you go out and rob a bank so you can have some real shit to talk about? I truly believe the more shit you go out and rob a bank so you can have some real shit to talk about? I truly believe the more shit you go through in life, the more shit, the funnier you get as a comedian. Did you ever get worried once things started going well

that you'd be out of stuff? That you'd run out of stuff? That I'd do what? That you'd run out of material? Hell no! My daughter switch girlfriends every three months. I'm going to always have

a girlfriend joke for my daughter. I got a daughter in the basement that can't get no dick. I'm married to a man that's breaking down like a 64 Chevy. I mean, I'm traveling every day. I see shit every day. Every day shit happens to me. But that does sometimes happen with comedians where they kind of lose their relatability.

That's when they get rich. Right. And they stop dealing with people, with normal people, everyday living people. Right. I hang out with everyday living people. I'm not rich either. But when you get too rich and you change your address and everything and don't hang out with people, everyday living people. I hang out with everyday living people. I'm not rich either. But when you get too rich and you change your address and everything and don't

hang out with people, then you only know what rich people do. That's what happened with Eddie Murphy, right? After Raw, where he didn't have... I think Eddie Murphy just got rich and he didn't need to shit anymore. I think if he needed to, even Charlie Murphy was his fucking brother. He talked about everyday shit. He was rich. I think it's about the people around you

mingling with regular people is what gives you the the material you can ride in a car and fucking get material me eddie murphy never told a joke about that time he picked up that train vest i we waiting on that it's been 30 years we he could come out we do a whole comedy just a whole hour on that do a new netflix special all about that one fucking night and then one night so comedy is always they just gotta pay attention. But it's probably something you think about in the back of your mind, right? Especially when so much of your material was based on

a hardship that you kind of have to be like, things can't be... I think we think about it here where we get nervous moving into a new office. We don't want to portray the fact that we're new office people. We're nice office people. We're not nice office people. And it's kind of something we're always thinking about.

I guess staying grounded is really the importance of it. Staying grounded. I mean, I do a podcast now called A Pat Down. And for years, people were like, do the fucking podcast. I don't want to do no fucking podcast. What the hell am I going to talk about? I learned that I like to fucking talk. And I literally set out.

There's always something to talk about. There's always something to talk about. I mean, whether it's politics, whether it's everyday life, whatever. It's always something to fucking talk about. Did you also learn that talking is fucking exhausting? I'll go home. I imagine that building a house is difficult. Like doing construction.

I imagine that's hard. I go home after we talk for five hours a day, and I'm fucking. Are you married? Yes. Am I married? Look at me. Yeah, that's what I thought. Because you wouldn't be exhausted if you had a wife.

You would fucking get in that car and drink you a fucking Red Bull and gear back up because she's going to talk your ass to death. That's when it starts. Yeah, so you can't be married. That's why you're exhausted. Yeah, you ain't lived life until you got a wife who likes to talk and wants you to get that hollering ass baby.

And you know white people, you got a kid. I got two kids, next wife, I got it all. Yeah, you know, white people don't raise their kids like black people do. You be like, don't do that Chelsea timeout. You don't get that timeout. Get your motherfucking ass out here before I fucking chop you in the neck. You know, y'all let your kids just get out and run all over the airport. I took these kids on a Disney trip, and we're walking through the airport,

and white people always come up to me and say, oh my God, your kids are so well behaved. And I'm like, why do white people keep telling me this shit? And so I started telling them. I told them I was going to fuck them up. They are afraid of you. They're scared to be assholes. Yes, you see white kids,

they fucking clamming out on the walls at the airport. I told my kids, we on a fucking Delta flight. I will fuck y'all up if you get out of place. And I tell them, I said, do you want the ghetto mom or the soccer mom? You pick, because that's the bitch that's going to come out today. And they always say, we want the soccer mom. The ghetto mom is crazy as fuck. I was at, when we was coming back from the Disney cruise, it was so funny,

because my granddaughter and one of my nieces, because I have a cousin, my niece, four kids, she was fucking playing with the little thing to divide. And I kept saying, stop, stop. So finally, I slapped the shit out of her. And all the white people were like, I was like, do y'all want something too? Y'all saw me tell this motherfucker five times to stop playing with this damn rope. Come on and get yourself some. They straightened up after that.

Yo, it's also people who just don't have kids in general. Forget about white and black. I feel like if somebody without kids sees you disciplining your kid or getting frustrated, they're like, oh, I can't believe you grabbed them like that. And I tell them, I can't believe you ain't kissed my ass yet. That's what I tell them. Mind your fucking business. These kids have been driving me crazy for fucking weeks on end.

So, yeah, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. How old is yours? I got three and a half and one and a half. Yeah, so he reading books and shit and talking to men. I threw the books out real quick. I tried to read the books and I was like, this is the shit. What's that song that them kids be listening to? Baby Shark?

Oh, I fucking hate that song. Oh, come on. Have you heard the R&B remix? R&B remixes. Oh, I hate that fucking song. No way. I cannot do that song and I hate to see it. I was like, can you put your kid's headset on?

That song going to run me fucking crazy. It just buries in your brain, and it just eats your fucking brain apart. I think people who create stuff for kids are like deep-seated psychopaths. Yeah, something's wrong with them. Because they understand the psychology of how to get something stuck in your head. Like, oh, this is going to fuck up a four-year-old big time. No, they understand how to get your money out of your pocket. That's what the club is all about.

Well, they understand how to make the kid addicted to it, so then they get your money out of your pocket. Well, it's just like the weed man, or the crack man, or the meth man. They just give you a little taste and it's over. You never use drugs? Don't say it out loud. I don't want you to lose your job. That's okay.

I've talked about using drugs on this show before a time or two. We're okay. We're all good on that front. Yeah, I was reading that you used to, you were dealing crack, but you only had a driver's permit, so you always had to have an adult in the car with you, a chaperone, if you will, to deal your crack. Well, I had a block that I sold my crack on, but, you know, when you get a learner's license, you need a licensed driver with you. So to keep the police from jacking me up, now I'm, what, 16 at the time,

but I'm street smart like a motherfucker. So I go out and I hire a crackhead who had a valid driver's license. from jacking me up now i'm what 16 at the time but i'm i'm street smart like a motherfucker so i go out and i have i hire a crackhead who had a valid driver's license so when the police pulled me i'm like no motherfucker this my uncle he got driver's license so i could be driving they're like fuck she don't figure it out what's what's a crackhead go for you just pay him in crack uh yeah but i i had two of them they each did an eight hour shift if shift if I was there, you know, for a whole day. I feel like you could do one 16-hour shift with enough crack. No, you don't want to run you that much fucking crack.

So I'll give them like $60 to ride around me to, you know, if I got out there like eight. That's a great deal for him. And then like four o'clock, and then I get a new crack head with a valet driver's license, and he'll go to that night. Hey, they kept the police off my ass. How'd you decide? You have like an interview process? No, I was like, hey.

I said, hey, you got a fucking valid driver's license? Get your ass in the car with me. You can hit your rocks in the back. That's how I learned how to drive, too. When I learned how to drive a car, my mom didn't teach me shit. So I remember I would get on I-20, 285 in Atlanta at like 12 o'clock or 1 o'clock in the morning with her and my son in the back seat. And he had a new Volkswagen Jetta.

And he would be smoking crack in the front seat and my kids being the best. Mommy, driving, mommy, driving. Set your ass down before I kill all of us. And that's how I learned how to drive. You remember that, Ashley? Yeah. She's a self-crack with me. She said I wasn't trying to It wasn't really your choice now was it

Uh oh That was my family business Some of the kids are going to the park I'm going to do rounds with my mom Actually I saw a crack in front of her school Across the street from her school She said get on my fucking ass Can you please find somewhere else to move your bitch

I'm like do you want to fucking Mom it's so embarrassing Yeah It's hard to get dropped off by your parents selling crack across the street. Because I didn't live in the neighborhood, but I would drop off at school, and they always would put her classroom on the side where I sold crack at. So she'd be out there looking. I'm like, hey, I'm coming to eat lunch with you.

She's like, bitch, don't you come over here. Now, were you driving the Cadillac with the paint chips in it at the time? Yes, I was. Oh, man, so you really had the billboard out there. Oh, yeah, you write the billboard. Come lock me up, police. I'm a drug dealer. I had so many cars when I was 15 when I learned those licenses.

Come back then, the crackhead would just sell you the whole fucking car with the title, you know, a couple hundred bucks because they all strung out on drugs. Really? Yeah. I sold crack when crack mattered. I know where I'm stopping for my next car. You what? I sold crack when crack mattered.

Like, when it first hit the black community. When it was that shit. When it was that shit. What did crack run you? $10. Is that cheap? Well, for you to smoke it, yeah. Can you explain crack to me?

I don't understand crack. Teach the white boys. We are corny white boys. Teach us about crack. It's cocaine and you cook it up. You add a substance to it and you cook it up and it gets hard. Could you chop it and snort it and is it just cocaine? No, you snort cocaine. No, I know. You sn a substance to it and you cook it up and it gets hard like a rock. Could you chop it and snort it and is it just cocaine? No, you snort cocaine

and you snort crack. I know. Yeah. I'm glad you know the white version. That one I got. Thank you, Ms. Bell. Schooling the white boys on crack. You can teach us about crack.

He'll teach you about cocaine. Okay, okay, okay. No wonder you know so long. I thought you was a Jew. You'll be all dead. Thought you was a Jew. Okay, okay. Yeah, but you take cocaine and you cook it up with a substance

and it's turned hard into crack. But you couldn't chop it and snort it? I don't know, sir. I don't use drills. I don't know anybody snorting it. I think everybody just puts it in their wire. I'm just curious. I. I don't use drugs. I don't know anybody that snorted it. I think everybody just put it in their wire. I'm just curious.

I never understood the difference between them. They probably did. I remember cutting so much crack when I was younger that I would cut, crack, and eat food at the same time and it fucked up my muscles

in my mouth. I used to do this all the time. So I look like a crackhead too, but I had eaten so much crack. From, you know, like cutting drugs and then eating at the same time. You ever known somebody do that?

It fucked up my mouth. Look at my friends. Even your own camp is like, nah, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Look, they doing that to crack. You like dick? Yeah. She lit up, smiling. She got six Asian babies and she's still smiling about dick.

She only have Asian babies. I think her vagina is racist. We got to introduce, we have another guy here. His name's Francis. And if you think we're white, he is fucking white. Harvard,

Francis Ellis. Harvard? Very wealthy family. From Maine. Yeah, from Maine. Oh, I hate them balls. Plays lacrosse. You guys even know what lacrosse is?

I fucking know what lacrosse is. It's a fucking cane and you hit a ball. So he used to dabble with selling coke in college for a minute. After college, but he didn't know that you were supposed to cut it. So he was selling like pure,

pure, very good Colombian cocaine. He made a shit ton of money. No, because he didn't cut it. Oh, he didn't cut it. So he was just making his money back. He wasn't even making his money back. He made a shit ton of money. No, no, because he didn't really, he didn't cut it. Oh, he didn't cut it. So he was just making his money back. He wasn't even making his money back. He said he was losing. He was like,

I don't get it. I'm not making enough money doing this. And everyone kept coming back to him because it was the best Coke in the world for the cheapest fucking price ever. Wow. You are literally the worst drug dealer ever. It doesn't get any worse than that.

He kept saying, daddy, I need your credit card one more time. This, this invention I'm on is not working out. This new business I'm starting up keep failing. You wonder why, mother fucker? He said it was like chopped

off the key and he was like it would still have the corners on it and stuff because it was just nonsense. But he didn't know where to buy the little baggies. Oh, God. So he said he would just like give someone like a full quart sandwich bag. Oh, God, he was dumb. would just give someone a full quart sandwich bag. Oh, God, he was dumb.

I wish I could have ran into him. That's the type of white friend you want. That's the type of white friend you like. Don't talk to nobody else. Everybody else is going to kill you except me. You want him all to yourself. Go and get the good cocaine. I'm going to give you $30.

I know you spent $300, but all your profit is $30. You get $330 back. Jeez. Ten crack commandments for him. He needed like 11, 12, 13. That was cocaine. He needed a lot more rules. That was cocaine.

He didn't cut it or nothing. He didn't step on it. I'm surprised he didn't kill no goddamn body. He might have. Overall, we know. Where is Francis? Huh? Yeah, where is it. I'm surprised he didn't kill no goddamn body. He might have. Overall, we know. Where's Francis? Huh? Yeah, where is he?

I don't know, Francis. See if Francis is around. That would be funny. Go get Francis. Is he single? I don't think so. Let me ask him. I'm scared the shit out of him.

He just met Michael Vick the other day. I got you, baby daddy. He got a Harvard degree. See, very smart. Very smart. Oh, how about this? He see very smart very smart oh how about this he's very smart his father is worth

100 million dollars we might talk we might talk open it up right now you too Ashley you ain't gay no more for 100 million dollars would you go straight

who the fuck is daddy Trump who the fuck is daddy Trump I don't even know. He created some fucking software. Some software. It's always a fucking software. Technology. When I was selling crack, everybody was in their fucking garage creating software.

Why they didn't tell the black community? Get in there and play with that fucking Nintendo game and create something. Damn it. I missed out. You could have been in Silicon Valley. You know what I mean? You could have been one of these tech gurus. Yeah, I could have been one of them tech gurus.

At least I had a baby by the way. I had a baby by a dude who worked at Church of Chicken. That's our daddy. As I was reading about all the shit you went through, I think the one that jumped out the most, getting your nipple shot off has got to be a motherfucker. I mean, you knew this was coming. Yeah, you got it.

You Googled Miss Pat. The first two Googlers was like, lost a nipple shot off has got to be a motherfucker. I mean, you knew this was coming. Yeah, you got it. You Google Miss Pat. Like, at first, two Googlers was like, lost a nipple. It said she was hit by a dump truck, and she lost a nipple. It got shot off. That line, by the way, that you drop in the famous video at Morty's, this line to paint the picture Miss Pat got in a fight with someone, a guy named Derek, on stage at Morty's in Indianapolis. And you said into the microphone, you ain't seen bad.

I've been shot two times and hit by a jump truck. He going to hell today. That's like my favorite line I've ever heard in my life. Come on over here, Francis. Get you a chair. They told me how white you was. Come on. We need a chair for Francis.

He needs to sit down. Hey, you like balls? You like? Don't sit him. We need a chair for Francis. He needs to sit down. Hey, you like bossy. You like... Don't sit down. We got you. You know Francis got some money. Look at them fucking shoes Francis got on. Come sit here so you have a mic, Francis.

Okay, all right. Yeah, sit right here. Where you going? I was explaining how if Miss Pat thinks that we're white, that she has to meet you. And then we also explained how you were the worst drug dealer in the history of the world.

Yeah, I just financed my own habit. Which, hey, that ain't the worst thing. I broke even between my friends and my nose. Shit, Francis. That's really what happened. I told you. I told you. Crack.

Yes. You didn't do crack. No, that was... That's a black people drug. It's a lot cheaper. It was the same shit. It just cooked up. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. I told you. Yes. You didn't do crack. No, that was. That's a black people drug. It's a lot cheaper. It was the same shit. It just cooked up. That's right.

Black folks like they, black folks like they shit cooked. White folks take it straight to the pile. Yeah. It's a difference. I was more of a, I've always been more of a sushi kind of guy, you know? Yeah. Sushi. That's more like fried chicken right there.

There you go. Yeah. Your words, not mine. Yeah. I'm saying all the shit you thinking. Guilty. Guilty as charged with. Yeah. I'm saying all the shit you're thinking. Guilty. Guilty as charged with the thinking. I got your friends.

I know what white people can't say shit. I'm not trying to get your ass whooped. I want to introduce you to my gay daughter and my beautician. If you're into black pussy, want to eat you and want to have a baby by you. I don't even know where to begin. With your wallet, motherfucker. With your wallet. I don't know if where to begin. With your wallet, motherfucker. With your wallet. I don't know if she's available or not.

They're available. They're for sale. Not like slavery, but they're for sale. But you said she's gay, right? So she'll eat you. I heard your daddy worked for $100 million. I'll eat you. Hey, I've been known to tuck it, you know, on a rainy Thursday.

Well, you better tuck it because you better have a motherfucking soul food Sunday with us three. Sure, sure. I love Berry Line. Yeah, I do. He's jumping right in. He's jumping right in. She was explaining how she's had six Asian babies, right? And so you're maybe not her type.

And then I explained that you come from means. And she said, okay, maybe it'll work. Maybe I can make that work. Yeah. Six Asian babies? Yeah, you're maybe not her type. And then I explained that you come from me. And she said, okay, maybe it'll work. Yeah. Maybe I can make that work. Yeah. Six Asian babies? Yeah. She don't like black dick. This is you.

You have had. Queesha. She even got a ghetto name. Queesha. Queesha. Queesha. How do you. Can you imagine fucking Queesha?

Don't worry about it. Just say Queesha. Queesha. Get this white dick. Queesha. Oh, Queesha. Say, get this ginger. I love you.

No. We would have lots of eye contact. Oh, you're fucking it up. Quisha, with respect, sounds like the sound you actually make when you go in, right? A little bit? No? Just stepping in the mudflats at low tide. No, you got to say Quisha.

Get this ginger dick. Get Quisha. It feels so degrading. I don't know. I know how Quisha likes to be talked to. She likes it. She said she likes it. That's a green light. Go ahead.

I would say, Quisha, receive my wonderful orange phallus. Oh, God. With. What is this, Game of Thrones? Consensually and with respect, we'll have breakfast tomorrow. You ain't gonna never

get no black pussy with that. No, no, I don't cross over often. Oh, God. Not because I don't want to. They just don't like

me. They don't like me. I don't know what it is. I don't fucking like you and I'm trying to get you. We were doing well,

too. Jesus Christ. Damn it. Fucking boss. I love you. You're lovely. Say, take this ginger. Take this ginger.

Penis. Penis. Dick. We'll go with dick. Quisha, take this ginger dick. And then what's the response to that? Come on, daddy. I'm not a father, but someday, someday.

That's the whole point. You will be. Hey, Quisha is black with Mexican pussy. I just want to tell you that. I like that mix. That sounds good. She got Mexican pussy. They put it out.

And you've only got Asian children. So you're sort of painting with all the colors of the rainbow. She's missing black. I know. What a shame. Oh,. She's missing black. I know. What a shame. Oh, God, I love you. I want to fuck you, and I'm going to pee on myself. So what do you do now?

I write here, and I have a series show, and then I also do a lot of stand-up. Oh, I kind of figured. You had stand-up time, and I said, this is motherfucking awesome. Thank you. Isn't it amazing how white kids can go to Harvard and fucking turn into a comedian? A black mama will fuck you up. No, motherfucker.

I spent money for you to go. I lied for you to be a lawyer. You're going to be a lawyer. Luckily, my parents, they didn't have much hope after Harvard. They sent me on my way. Did you graduate? I did.

And then I moved to New York, and that was when I started selling cocaine. And what was your major? I studied government, like political science. Political science, yeah. And now you do stand-up. Yes. All you had to do was start out with stand-up, and you could have saved some people a lot of fucking money.

You know, people always say that. But the whole Harvard thing is like it plays so well for him. It's a big part of my brand. Yeah. And I will say that. Yeah, I know, but the whole Harvard thing is like it plays so well for him. It's a big part of my brand, yeah. Yeah. And I will say that my college degree, ironically, because once the Coke dealing didn't work out, I started tutoring. Oh, really? And that was, I was able to make enough money while tutoring and doing stand-up for all those years to live in New York pretty happily. Your daddy sent you to Harvard.

You weren't going to struggle in any way. I was a lacrosse player, obviously. And I was recruited. Along with the hockey player. And that's what helped me get in there. It was like a kind of a shortcut in. Oh, I didn't think you cheated like those other white people did. No, no, no.

I didn't think that. I went the old blue collar, old fashioned way. I was an actual lacrosse player. Pulled myself up by my boat shoes. It really roughed it. Pull yourself up by your what? My boat shoes. L.L. Bean. Heard of it?

We lived in that town. Thank you. L.L. Bean. I know L.L. Bean. I used to write checks for him. I used to write checks for him by my husband with some boat shoes. That's nice. We had the credit card. We had the incentives. We had the L.L. Bean credit card. It was nice.

What the fuck are you talking about? It was 10% off. The green one, 10% off. You guys are so white. It was like a Bloomingdale's credit card. Let me slow you down. Let me slow you down. I said I forged checks.

Oh, I didn't get that. I used to steal your checkbook and play like I was you. Oh. Yeah. Because black people's check numbers were too low. Got it. Okay, yeah. That was my hustle. I didn't understand that. You black people's check numbers were too low. Got it. That was my hustle. I didn't understand that. You said you wrote checks for L.L. Bean. I was like, did you work at L.L. Bean?

Because we have a lot in common. Let's talk about that. It's really cool. Turns out you were committing crimes. And so was you. And so was you. I love him. I love you, Francis. I hear your book is tremendous.

I can't wait to read it. Yeah, you should read it. It'll take you on a Negro field trip. Thank you. I think you need one of those, too. I'm excited. This should be like a reality show. Yeah.

It should be a whole season worth it. You guys will move in together and just watch you two live. That'd be fun. And I set him up with Quisha and we have a baby and take it home. Quisha. Get that ginger there. Forget the Kardash live. And I set him up with Quisha and we have a baby and take it home. Quisha. Get that ginger there. Forget the Kardashians. Did I get that right?

You was much better this time, Francis. You turning me on. All right, Ms. Tadson. Francis throwing out ginger deep. You got the book. Thank you for having me. Where you going? I'm going to run.

I got to get back to work. Oh, shit. Yeah, we'll talk after. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you, Francis. Thanks for having me. Where you going? I'm going to run. I got to get back to work. Oh, shit. Yeah, we'll talk after. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you, Francis. Thanks for having me. Nice to meet you all. You like the New England Patriots? I'm a Giants fan.

Oh, good. I fucking hate their asses. I mean, it's weird. Oh, you a Falcons fan? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry about that. I'm from Boston, too. Oh, shit the hell up. They killed my sister-in-law. That Super Bowl killed my sister-in-law. That Super Bowl killed my sister-in-law. I'm sure. It almost killed me, too.

No, it really did. Yeah, like, I don't know if I can laugh right now. She was watching the game, and she had a massive heart attack. While I was at the Super Bowl. Oh, it literally killed her. Yeah. She died. Yeah.

When they started to come back in the third quarter, she was screaming and yelling and had a fucking massive heart attack. And I'm at the Super Bowl. My husband called, like, my sister just had a heart attack. And I was like, fuck your sister. Everybody survived their first heart attack. And he called me back and told me she died. So now I'm crying.

I don't know if I'm crying because she died or we lost the fucking game. And I used to tell her that as a bit. I was like, you got to look at it like this. At least she died in the third quarter. She think we won the Super Bowl. Bitch like me still alive. You died in overtime. Yeah, you made it in overtime.

Yeah, I feel like there are a lot of people in Atlanta who would have taken that. Been like, you know what, third quarter. I'll go out now. And she was heartbreaking. I always joked that I hate the Patriots, so I always joked that Super Bowl almost killed me, but it literally did kill her. But I do tell people this. I say, y'all talk shit about Atlanta, but we are fucking Super Bowl champs for that first two quarters.

We were beating the dog shit out of you. So they should have split that trophy down the middle. Because that first half, we were Super Bowl champs, god damn it. I mean, they had the papers printed. They had everything printed out. The Patriots, Dynasties over. So much shit at halftime. I was just having a fucking field day. I was there, and I was

very close, and I knew at halftime we wasn't going to win. Them boys played they fucking hard out, and they drug them boys off their field. And you know, Tom Brady's like, to me, he used the Muhammad Ali technique, where you just sit back and let a motherfucker tie themselves. Roper dope the shit out the foul. Them young boys came out there with that motherfucking ghetto speed,

and that shit third quarter didn't work. They was tired. No Gatorade could fucking get them back up. And that was, man, walking out of that stadium here in Brady name really made me want to choke the shit out of them fans. Yeah, no, I was at the game, too. I walked out of the stadium, and I walked to the Super Bowl party. Oh, fuck you.

It was a fun party. Lil Wayne performed. Pitbull performed. John Legend. It was a heck of a time. Who did you guys have ready to go to your party? My hotel room. I took off my bra and wig and went to bed.

So you think I'm going to a fucking party out there? Them beat-ups. We thought we done win. Look, to be fair, I went to the Super Bowl again the next year going to a fucking party out there and beat up when we thought we done win? Look, to be fair, I went to the Super Bowl again the next year and I didn't go to the party there because we lost to the Eagles. I went to this one. But then I went again the next year and then I went to that party. God damn, how much money you got? Can you please smack it for me?

I went to the Super Bowl this year, the last year. Was it this year? This year. I went this year. This one in Atlanta. Boring as fuck. I was there. Yeah, it was a slow game.

Huh? Yeah, she went to New England at the party. Yeah was there. Yeah, it was a slow game. Huh? Yeah, she went to New England after party. Yeah, yeah. With, uh, yep. Yeah, I was there. Yeah, I don't do

after party. I'm old. I don't have time for that shit. I want to take my hair off and go to bed. I'm a grown ass one with a panty line on.

We don't party. We go home and let our titties down. Can't keep your titties up over six hours. Alright, you got the book out, you got the podcast, you're at Caroline's this weekend, right? I'm at Caroline's tonight at 7 o'clock

working on something special. I just sold a show to Hulu. No kidding. Yeah, we're getting ready to tape the pilot soon. It's along with Ron Howard, Company Imagine, and Lee Daniels, and Brian Grazer. And this is a sitcom about your life? A sitcom about my life. That's awesome.

Multicam. Hell yeah. Yeah. Congratulations, man. That shit's going to need to be like 25 seasons long. I hope so. Because you got a story to tell, girl. Yes.

And it's set in Indianapolis, Midwest, very conservative town. I move in and shake a little shit up. Yeah, I like it. Maybe Francis can be in it, maybe. Oh, fuck. Those are the type of neighbors I got, Francis. Thank you so much for coming through. We appreciate it.

Thank you so much for having me. Shout out to Miss Pat and her people for coming through. I love Miss Pat. Love Miss Pat. Love her gay daughter, too. I think she's just a perfectly fine normal person i don't think we need to continually call her gay or make fun of her for being gay can i tell you something right now yeah i want to do like crack with miss pat oh i would definitely do crack with miss pat i would definitely do crack with miss pat it's like i would also do like i would drop acid with

like some fucking you know like the grateful dead or something she's the pinnacle of her fields you know but i feel like cracks like like like we're gonna get super to crack right oh i think you get instantly addicted really oh yeah i think that's the whole point i think you give them a little taste and they are addicted and they keep coming back for more now the good thing is i mean he's looking at brendan like brendan crack yeah the good thing is brendan is the adult in the room i look at brendan whenever like he literally several times this episode he's looking at Brendan like, Brendan, crack, yeah? The good thing is, it's cheap. Brendan is the adult in the room. I look at Brendan and I'm like, I like his dad. He literally, several times this episode, he's turned to him and just like, dad? Is that how crack works?

Dad? I think it's pretty addictive, but the good point is that it's cheap, so we can just keep buying it. It's like Always Sunny. Remember when they smoked crack? They got addicted in one night. Do you want to do crack this weekend? With Miss Pat, not with you.

I would do it with you. I got kids, man. i can't be doing crack don't look at me i can't be doing crack you should do crack though i'll be there for support i would like to cook up the crack if you and miss pat cook me crack i'll do it okay all right i mean that would barcelgold.com slash KFC. Fights does crack. That's a true thing. If you and Miss Pat cook me crack, I will do it. You're going to shoot it?

No. Smoke crack? Okay. Again, he looks over at him. Miss Pat. I will do crack. You can probably smoke crack, but I think you can also

like cook it up into liquid. I don't want to shoot anything. I don't want to shoot anything. I'm pretty sure you can shoot whatever you want can also cook it up into liquid. I don't want to shoot anything. I don't want to shoot anything. I'm pretty sure you can shoot whatever you want. You cook it up and make it liquid. I'm out and shoot. I don't want to put a needle in me. Deal.

Unless it's steroids. Unless it's steroids, in which case I'll do it all the time. We can get you high on crack. I'll smoke crack. You knew a girl who smoked crack once, right? I did? Oh, yeah.

I don't want to drop her name. She's a little blonde girl, though. Remember she said she smoked crack with a homeless man oh yeah i don't want to drop her name she's a little blonde girl though remember she said she smoked crack with a homeless man oh yeah yeah yes yes yes yeah yeah yeah high school was it high school yeah yeah no you hooked up with it right you hooked up with the crackhead high school is too early to be doing crack way too early i'm just gonna say it crack is for when you've given up on life. Appropriate for you to be doing it now. 30 plus is crack time. Yeah. If you are in your 20s or below, certainly if you're below, crack not for you.

I forgot about that. Good times. Good times. Great oldies. All right. Let's talk to Brendan Fraser now. It's an interesting interview. It's an interesting interview.

My man Brendan is a cool cat. So talk to Brendan, and we'll catch you guys next episode on KFC Radio. It's KFC Radio featuring Brendan Fraser. What's up, man? Hey, guys. How we doing? We're good. Thank you.

That's excellent. Appreciate you coming in. So Doom Patrol is the new TV show. Right. And I feel like that's kind of been the wave these past few years is movie stars getting into the TV world. You were in The Affair, now you're on,

it was Trust, and now you got Doom Patrol going. So what's up with the TV world? How's that treating you? Things have changed so much in the last, what, 10 years from feature films, network presentation,

streaming service now. And with everyone having their own app, their own portal to receiving content, entertainment, movies, it seems like the movement is more towards the episodic structure to tell long form stories like in a chapter. Yeah. With the approach of it towards... You mentioned Trust. That was for, excuse me, that was for FX.

Danny Boyle directed and executive produced the first two episodes and the whole show. Rave reviews. Agreed. Yeah, I mean, that's Danny Boyle. He's like no slouch. He's very, so I mean, and when asked that similar question like what's up with this first of all we like to work so if that's where

the material is going to be how it's going to be presented then so be it and if you don't get with the program you'll be left behind yeah so do you think like in the past it was kind of looked down upon like if you were in feature films it was like I don't upon. Like, you know, if you were in feature films, it was like, I don't do TV.

I don't do small screen, right? And now it's like just as prestigious, if not, you know, more in a lot of ways. I'd rather be on, you know, a Game of Thrones type show than putting out, you know, dud films or something like that. I don't understand why there was even the, you know, the snobbiness, really. Well, the reticence was probably born of that mentality of if you're going to go do a network

series or a comedy or something like that, that's the elephant's graveyard of the progression in a career. That was an attitude for certain. Right. And that was more geared towards the, I think a little bit more of a sort of elite mentality of, oh no, I only make featured films, or, no, my films are independent. And then it begs the question, really independent of what? What the hell does that even mean, man?

I'm going to work on TV and you sell cars and soda and whatever, you know, product. Right. That's the cynical look at it. I think the sense of us having more and more content and fewer – it presents you with more chances to screw it up. So if you're going to be doing this, you better be good. Otherwise, nobody will watch what you put out. Right.

Were you worried about getting into the superhero space just because it is pseudo-overcrowded? Now, this one is very different. I think it opens up with you say fuck a couple times uh you're you're just having sex right in the uh probably the first 10 minutes of the show shout out to brendan it's not your standard marvel like it's you know it's not uh it's not really for kids it's it's a it's a more adult superhero but was that kind of a driving point for you to be like okay i will do this is different this is a new kind of superhero show absolutely yeah this is the short answer yeah it stands apart because it doesn't pander to an audience it is unique in regard of how it stands alone as um not so much a superhero story but but an anti-superhero story.

These characters are... Which is so in vogue the past several years. I feel like the anti-hero type of vibe. Not all the way good, not all the way bad, somewhere in between. Batman and Superman were brooding and fighting each other not long ago. I mean, that's considered dark and edgy. But this delves, Stoon Patrol delves into the psychological baggage

that these characters take with them before it can allow them to advance. And they don't like each other. They live in isolation in doom manner. They warts and all. They abide with one another. They don't want to be a team. They have, they already came from a sizable amount of tragedy.

And before they can even consider working together, it's not going to be for the betterment of a society that already shuns them. So they have to find out more about themselves. into a recent episode, I think it's nine, when Cliff Steele, also known as Robot Man, who has such an affinity for Jane, Kate Chalice, Crazy Jane, when her 64 separate and distinct personalities, he actually goes and... Which I get, I get that. I get that about that.

I get falling for the gal who's got a couple of different personalities. Get down that road, Brendan. You know, I'll leave that one alone right now. I was just going to say, just to point out that his is a real more paternal attraction than he has her. But if that's your bag, if that's your bag, man, no judgment. I do have a bone to pick with the show. What are we doing covering up Matt's face?

Matt Zuck. It's too bad he's not handsome or anything. Was that you guys? I'd be like, I'm going to work with Matt Bomber, but only if we cover up that fucking face. But it makes you want to see him even more. So when he does show up, it's quite unique. And on top of that, his character,

Negative Man, as well as Robot Man, are both played by other actors. In his case, it's an actor called Matt Zuck, the other Matt. And Riley Shanahan plays Robot Man, at least in a suit that doesn't look similar to this big – There's a Thanos fist. Last Thanos fist hand I see down here. So it's a sort of collaboration of sorts. That's interesting.

I didn't know that. How does that work? So Matt, you do the voice and the other guys in the body? Yeah. We had a lot of hand-wringing and pearl-clutching early on. Like, how are we going to do this? Do you put a play back in? Does Brennan record the dialogue?

Yeah. I mean, how is everyone going to play the part? My control issues are like, I don't know. I would do that in the suit. I'd be like, yeah, I know, but I can't do that stuff in the suit anymore. I need a guy in his 20s who's burning all the calories and taking the hard knocks i ain't gonna lie it's my job ever and i get to show up and voice it in later yeah i mean it's a collaboration you took your bumps throughout your career right i mean the the mummy was no no joke it's like being a like a football

player i mean you had a manectomy surgery you were you had know, it took its toll, huh? I had to repair it. Yeah. You know, and that's the, I mean, so far as becoming, getting some dings in the body work and chips in the paint job, I, sometimes when you make those types of films, you have to play hurt. You're not allowed to get sick, as it were. You have to get back in the game. There's money at stake. That's the bottom line. Was there ever like pressure or you just felt,

you just as a professional wasn't like. Never more than any I ever put on myself. But I do know that I certainly felt at times like, I just want to throw a towel in and you kind of can't. And, you know, boo-hoo. But the point is. See, but like right there, everyone says that boo-hoo. But it's okay to say boo.

Like it's okay to be hurt. It's true. I feel like every actor, everyone with money or success, it always kind of says something along that line where it's like, oh, boo-hoo or oh, no one wants to hear me whine or oh, the world's smallest violin. I think that's bullshit. I think that's bullshit i think that's bullshit like

people are hurt people get hurt and you should let me tell you something if you're rich and you need surgery or you're poor and you need surgery you can work as an actor you can work as a toll booth collector if you need surgery and your body's fucked up it all feels the same you you it's it's it's important to take care of yourself because if you don't then you can't do more of the same thing later but learning what you can't do more of the same thing later. But learning what you can do later on is the task at hand for me. And also learning that should it come to that, and I'm talking to anybody out there who does their job with complete disregard to what they're walking around in, be nice to yourself. It's okay to ask for help.

It's things I needed to learn, and I did. Well, at least a lot of it was for The Mummy, which is such an awesome series of movies. Except for the scabies. Oh, the beetles thing. Oh, the scarabs. Scarabs, yeah. Sorry, scabies is something totally different.

It's a different skin issue, though, so it's the same realm. Similar. Right, ballpark. Yeah, those, the scarabs are, I mean, that noise, and I feel like anybody who's seen that just makes you scared. They gotcha. They gotcha. Scarab scabies, people know immediately.

Exactly. The movie came out 20 years ago and you're still tweaking it. Absolutely. I mean, I can picture it when it just runs over them and like leaves the bones behind. That actually, that movie haunted me for a long time where I still, I'm trying to sleep in my bed at night, and I'm still trying to like, emo them. That was an awesome series. Both of us were just reading an interesting article on GQ that you did. You had somebody come up to your, is it like a farm up in Bedford?

I live in a pretty rural area. Zach Barron is the name of the writer. There's this one part where you just needed to pause for a minute, and you said, I need to let some arrows fly. And I thought that was like a euphemism or something. And then you literally pull out a bow and arrow. You're like, bam, bam. Is that like your thing, your release?

Yeah, that's actually the term you should use instead of fire, because you're not firing it. Right. You're letting it go. Re it goes that way and if it goes that way it's a good shot doesn't matter where it lands you know that's as long as it goes that way do you find that to be something obviously the horses you say the horses uh are help with you and your family and but do you find the the bow and arrow like Archery is meditative to me, and it's yourself against yourself just trying to do something better than you did before, and you'll succeed in maybe hitting the bullseye,

and then do you have a vanity that says, oh, yeah, I meant to do that, when the truth is you just got lucky. Yeah, for real. There's little lessons all day long I just find all the way through, and sometimes you just can't hit the side of a barn with a shovel, and break it over your knee. Well, it's something that doesn't require a lot of anxiety for me to do. I find it helpful.

Do you live up there? You prefer to kind of be secluded away from everything? Not for need to hide or anything right much that but i i my home's a fairly forested area and i have a real love hate relationship with nature oh really oh it's my real life furry vengeance experience sometimes up there what's the hate behind it? Well, because the weather will go weird and then it will snow. On top of the flowers. It will and then it will rain on top of that and then it will come back and then there's a bumper crop of ticks and then the ticks

who are not supposed to be there that abundantly will attach themselves to the deer and then the deer will run them off and then my dog will get them and then the dog brings them inside. Everything's... You've been so mild-mannered and soft-spoken until the nature came up. Don't talk to me about the weather. Let me tell you what.

In this city, we don't have the ticks, but we have homeless. Sterilex who are just masturbating on the subway and peeing. Always peeing. Homeless people just pee all the time. Every time I walk home, they're just pe pee all the time. They're well hydrated. Every time I walk home, they're just peeing in the corners. They're well hydrated. And so it's not – I'm going to say it's worse than ticks.

Well, I think that's kind of a dehumanizing way to refer to them. But it's more frustrating to walk by a homeless man peeing than it is to have your deer get ticks. Settled. In recent years, I feel like the internet has just gone wild with Brendan Fraser content. Are you on the internet? Are you a social media guy? I say that full well knowing the answer after you just talked about nature in an upstate, but were you even kind of aware of this kind of like brendan frazier revolution of of pictures and memes and content coming out um

you can't unsee something and i remember a time my friend when there were fax machines to communicate with each other and i thought that was pretty cool yeah I'm not that interested in myself per se, and I'm grateful for what I see as support, if you want to call it that. Right, right. As we know, there's always going to be someone who's going to write something mean-spirited, and that's hurtful. Saying that it isn't is another way of pretending or denying that. Oh, absolutely. Anybody who says they don't read it or they're not affected by it or, you know, maybe you don't let it change what you're doing, but to just act like, I don't even know what you're

talking about. People being assholes hurt. The same thing as you were saying about being injured. It's like, you know, you can be successful and still be hurt by someone saying mean shit to you. Yeah, that's accurate. But I think what you're referring to is something that's more of a supportive approach towards this. I think it's one of those things where it always, like – the internet is a real chicken and the egg situation where you can't tell where something started mean or supportive.

And then whatever one it started as as the masses will combat it. If it started like, I love this person it's like, you know what, fuck that person. And people jump onto that bandwagon. Or if it starts, fuck this person, you get the rives of support. I always think about it like Pete Buttigieg is doing speeches on the presidential campaign and

someone keeps showing up and heckling him. And the crowd will drown him out. They're like, you know what, we all disagree with that person. I think in the internet, we'll always drown you out. It's just because whoever's doing the heckling wants a voice and can't have it unless it were for the person he's speaking to. And that person would not be having to hijack that forum to get himself heard. And likely whatever it is you say to, you know, knock him off his message or his game, as it were,

it's likely just all insecurity that that individual has about themselves. So, I mean. It's like, what movie is it from where it's like, you're not mad at me, you're mad at your dad. Big Daddy. Big Daddy. Yeah. You got your own issues.

The anger you have is really not with me. Do you ever, have you ever responded and just been like, fuck you, man, I'm Encino, man. You know, I'm a legend. I'm a legend to this game. No, is the answer. Never have the. You should try it, I think. I mean, listen, if you, if you flexed on me about Encino Man,

I'd be like, okay, all right. Sorry. It's a great movie. It's a great flick. I'm glad you think that. That's nice. What do you think

the best thing you've done is? Have kids. Have kids. If I could ask. I mean, if you want to talk about movies, then sure. I can't pick one of them.

Come on. You got it. Got it in your head. The best? Yes. The one that I found... well, there's a couple. I think if there was a film called Quiet American, I like very much. It's 2001 with Michael Caine based on the Graham Greene novel.

I think that had relevance at a time when American foreign policy was not popular in the world. And that was a novel and a film that Phil Noyce made that was about the same thing, and it was a picture that then was sent to the auction block because its producer, Harvey Weinstein, did not want the world to see this. So it needed to be championed, and it took an article from the – I think it was an editorial from the Washington Post saying, let the quiet Americans speak. In other words, we're not children. You don't need to tell us what we can and can't know about. Take it to Toronto and it gained traction. And it did stand on its own as – it was effectively – it was always an anti-war film with a real strong message of a need for changing our ways and tolerance. Our history will repeat itself as we've seen again and again and again.

So, look, I feel good to have been a part of something that feels monumental. And why didn't he try to bury that? And he tried to bury that? It was 2001. This was four months after 9-11, three months. And whether he wanted to bury it or not, he just didn't do much to, as the business model had it in those days, is to distribute it. You can make a movie and it could go, you know, as they called it, straight to video. In those days, it would just, you know, wind up languishing in obscurity.

A lot of movies, you know, for whatever petty reasons or important ones, just lost the momentum. But this was one that, just based on its merit alone, I think, yeah, it went on to be nominated for, I think, a few Oscars in a few categories. Oh, wow. I probably would have said The Scout and Steve Nebraska. Oh, thanks. There's that, too. Bragging rights to wearing the pinstripes. Yeah.

That was the year that the strike. I was technically. Yeah, I think someone told me this. You know, you're the only guy to get paid to wear the pinstripes. And I pitched from the mound too. Did you? Nice. It sucked, but I did it.

I think you were in one of arguably the saddest episodes of television ever, Scrubs. That was. Really?ubs. That was – Really? Wow. It was heartbreaking to see you go. It had a sensibility that – No, it certainly did. But it was – I loved Scrubs.

I was a big big Scrubs fan and I thought you were fantastic in that episode. That was very, very sad. But also one – I've probably seen School Ties roughly 200 times. We used to watch it every I went to prep school and we used to watch it every bus trip coming home because our coach loved it so much. He's not kidding. Like 200 times. And I was like, this makes us look terrible. You get that, right?

Like a bunch of prep school kids. Here's a here's a nice story about prep school. Was it presented in a way that it was some sort of opener for a dialogue, or did he want to make you take a lesson from it? I'm guessing it was the lesson, but it would always be like, look, we're coming home, we just won. We liked it. Can we pop on a comedy or something?

The lesson was actually a suggested name for that film at one point. The lesson? Yeah, I think it was. Was that awesome also the part of what was such a great cast where it was kind of pitched as, like, these are the next men to watch out for. When we were doing it, they were saying,

this is the cast in the format of this next diner. Remember Diner? I don't remember Diner. I heard it was The Outsiders. Yeah, well, I mean, it was the next cast of the 80s it actors. And they weren't wrong. Yeah, they weren't wrong at all.

You guys went on to crush it. That was the model. Yeah. And I guess if you look at it from a producer standpoint. Who do you think, through that cast, you got Timothy Dalton in Doom Patrol on DC Universe. Who is the most impressive person you've worked with? Well, there's a lot of talented people. Jeremy, the producer, is the brain behind all of this

and developed and created and brought all the creatives together, so there's a lot to choose from. Diane Guerrero is incredible in this. She has 64 distinct personalities to portray. Not all of them get a voice, but about 25 or something. I don't know what the stat is on that right now. Have come to light. She has definitely carried the game ball on a lot of these episodes.

Bomer's fantastic. Jovan Wade is playing Cyborg. He's really just fit, tight about his approach. He's kind of modeled his character on a new smartphone, and Cliff is more like a diesel-powered lawnmower by comparison. These two guys are at each other's throats all the time. It's a fun dynamic. I'm sure a lot of these people would say you, too, if you asked them the question.

You seem like a great guy to work with. So the show is Doom Patrol. It's out on DC Universe, and you can catch it now. I think it's coming to Xbox also. I read that. Before we let you go, we do have a little game we play, which is the birthday crew. I thought you were going to say quarters or something.

We can do that if you want. I know. If you noticed, there's a lot of softwares. I did. I know. It's a pretty loose working party. In the bullpen. What are you guys doing around here?

We collect some of the celebrities who share a birthday with you, and you have to pick your three that you would go out on the night of the town to celebrate your birthday with. Okay. Now we've got December 3rd. That's me. That's Brendan Fraser. That is also Ozzy Osbourne. Tiffany Haddish, who's a famous comedian now.

Julianne Moore. Amanda Seyfried. Daryl Hannah. And Jenna Dewan I'm going with Ozzy Ozzy's the guy I don't know if you even need to pick the other two I know but I didn't know we had St. Berta

I was his neighbor when I lived in California down the street what was that like? he was starting that show one of the original reality shows I think it was called The Osbournes. The Osbournes.

Yes, yes. Yeah. Chyron. He built it. Yeah, the Chyron. Chyron. And there were people from out of town who would sit in front of his house and, you know, hope to take pictures, right, whenever, you know, anything happening.

Yeah. And, yeah, sure enough, Jack had gone to the sprinkler heads and turned them all towards the street. So when they'd be there, he'd turn them on. He'd be like, ah. What a move. You know, if he wasn't throwing a leg of ham or something over the fence and annoying the neighbors. I mean, it was interesting.

That's a good choice. That's a good choice to run on the town with. It's a dangerous choice. I don't know if you've seen the new Netflix show, The Dirt, which kind of follows Motley Crue and their origin story, if you will. And there has a scene. It's based on the book written by Nikki Sixx. And so it's all true stories from their life on the road. And Ozzy Osbourne wakes up one morning.

They're at a hotel. Wakes up still drunk. And he snorts a couple of lines of fire ants. That's not a drug. That's the actual... The insect? The insect. And then drinks some of his own urine.

So you could be in for a heck of a night. That's all you're going to do for your birthday. All right, man. We appreciate you coming through. Thanks so much. Doom Patrol, DC Universe, and on Xbox. Thanks a lot.