KFC Radio - Nate Bargatze, Kerryn Feehan, and COME ON MAMA BIRD!

Episode Date: March 18, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -It's officially been one years since the US first shut down during coronavirus -KFC talks about the recent Patrice O'Neal documentary -We try out a new segment called Feitelberg's Notebook -AITA Thursday -Voicemails (01:47:30) Nate Bargatze returns to the show! Check out his new special streaming today The Greatest Average American on Netflix! (2:39:51) Kerryn Feehan returns to the show! Check out her touring dates, new animated series, cooking show, and onlyfans! Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @NateBargatze @KFreehams Subscribe to our youtube: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Subscribe to our clips channel: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradioclipsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Clothes I have stolen, clones I have not, quotes I shall begin to. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Depending on exactly what happened in your life and your job, one of the days this week is your one-year anniversary of the pandemic. One year of when your job shut down and you didn't go out anymore and restaurants shut down. One year, roughly.

I think I started earlier than this. I think I started, I remember, my birthday. I think it was a Friday. I went out to the Knicks game, the Rudy Gobert Knicks game. We went to three bars and a strip club. It was the most super spreader night a person could have. Aside, like if I went home with someone that night, it would have been. That's more establishments you've been to in the last five years.

In like the year combined. Yeah, yeah, last five years combined. Like all I needed was like some strange sex to just icing on the cake of germ spreading behavior. I mean, you basically got it at the strip club, I imagine. I have to. I mean, then I was so sick, remember? Yeah. But I didn't have the antibodies, and I never tested positive.

It's like, how the fuck? It is crazy that I've never gotten coronavirus. The fact that we, as a company, really have not had any issues, and the fact that you and I, and KFC Radio as a group has not, is coronavirus is a hoax. It is. It's a hoax. It's straight up a hoax. Now, don't get me wrong.

When I go out, I follow the protocols. But when I go out- I really was thinking I follow the protocols. But when I go out, we set, like, I really think the difference is masks. Because if this company on the whole, we work with young, dumb people. They go out. They hook up. They're breaking the rules. We know this.

And really nobody's gotten it. Knock on fucking wood. But why? Because I think they're generally despite the fact like i just said they break the rules and i'm sure like you know if you're young and at barstool sports i'm sure you're just like partying and doing your thing but i think they everybody who works here as dumb as they may be has a general level of decorum and they follow that and you're okay it's really as simple as that i mean not i don't want to oversimplify it but i'm

saying for the people who just like refuse, refuse to do some basic things, I think it really makes a difference because the fact that we haven't had it is insanity. The fact that, like, most groups that have come back, like, we've been back for, what, six months now? Bro, we came back. We were off for, like, a couple weeks. July 6th we came back. I remember because, like, I took, like,

off Fourth of July weekend because I was like, I'm going back to work 4th of July 6th. No matter what. There was actually an article I saw the other day that fuck, what was it? I'm going to read the exact title. I remember who tweeted it. But it was basically like Americans have learned

that they don't like workplaces or bars. They prefer entertaining and working from home. And I was like, who are you talking to? Because everyone I know about is very, very, very... Well, you know what it is, though? Like anything else in life, I think it's like the grass

is always greener. I think when you have to work all the time, and you're out a lot, you think, like, oh, I would love to just work from home, and wouldn't it be nice to just, like... I worked from home for a week, bro. I was like, fuck this. And I think it's different, too, if you're doing Excel spreadsheets.

Yeah. Like, you can do this from home. But, like, in a creative-type job, like, I don't know, you... I was just working from bed every day. And, like, you can't be creative in bed. I liked it. For me, I went back to, like, the old-school days

when I was creating more, and being in my apartment and being... Even, like, when I do One Minute Man at home versus when I do it here I'm so much more comfortable at home I put the phone in the ring light and I like I can stop and start as I want I can like edit like I can trim my own shit I can I just by myself and it's um I don't have to worry so you do prefer it you really work from home yep rather than coming to the office yep oh wow yep I didn't know that I thought I thought you were like me where it was like I wanted to get back the day, day one. Remember when I was like, I could do this standing on my head, like I'll do this forever?

I could do it forever. This show is obviously better in person, but everything else, I would absolutely rather be at home. Yeah, I think that's why. Actually, I grabbed a beer with Lou this weekend, and he was like, yeah, you could do it from wherever. And I was like, I think we've noticed that. Some people can make Zoom

work for podcasting and stuff like that. I cannot. The chemistry, the energy just isn't there. I'll get disinterested. That's how Zooms are now. Zooms are just like phone calls where you're just like, whatever, man. It doesn't matter. Here, I'm like,

alright, we're in it. Let's fucking do it. Even more than that is they prefer entertaining at home more than they expected and do not feel the need to go back to an office or a bar. I could not come back to an office faster, could not go back to a bar faster. I love entertaining at home. I have people over at my apartment regularly. Very fun. I'd rather do it at a bar.

I feel like that's just because it's like whatever the norm is, you get kind of tired of and the thought of like, let's have people over. I was never tired of the bar. We're alcoholics, you know. That's the difference. When you love the bar with all of your heart. The bar is the fucking best, man.

Yeah. The bar is awesome. My. Bar has that. I wrote a love letter to bars like a week into the pandemic. Do you remember that? Yes. I was like, I miss bars.

And it was like, it was like a true into the pandemic. Do you remember that? I was like, I miss bars. It was true. There's just something about a bar that doesn't have... There isn't the promise of the unexpected at home. There isn't the, oh, who knows where this night's going to go. There isn't the, oh, maybe we'll just fucking talk to this random person. There are strangers at the bar, good or bad.

There could be a fight. You could hook up. You could meet someone you hate bad. There could be a fight. You could hook up. You could meet someone you hate. You could meet someone you love. You can chat with a bartender. The sights and smells. At home, you know exactly what it's going to be. It is.

It's part of, I think, the shared experience, which we talk about with TV a lot. And then just the idea of, I can't think of the word because of c uh catalyst no like we're fucking camaraderie you have like when you when a door closes behind you in a bar particularly the quiet one where like people turn their heads and look now you can't leave sort of it's kind of like you kind of look at each other like yo we're all we know what we're doing yeah you're in a foxhole. It's like, yo, we're all getting fucked up.

We're all fucking getting rid of our problems. Behind me, closed reality. Let's fucking live here. Let's fucking do our goddamn thing. Bartender, another one. That is, you don't get that at home. You're like, oh, can you grab me a beer out of the fridge? Fuck that.

I want a nice frothy fucking beer straight out of the tap. Pour me a beer and I'll suppress all my bad feelings with it. I want a fucking shot poured like this. We don't care about splashing. We want to make a mess. That's why I like the sawdust on the floor too. I like the things that are different from your house because otherwise you might as well

just beat your house. Fuck the house. It is crazy that people are like that that's a headline it was on axios which i think is a pretty liberal website i don't know if i'm correcting that but i believe fucking liberals fucking libertarians no one ever wants to leave their house again no i'm fucking i started leaving my house the second i was allowed to leave my house no but i but i'm also on the other side of it i i could you know I could stay at home forever. I have no problem with that. That's my favorite part of the pandemic. The pandemic for me was, aside from the massive amounts of death, it was amazing.

It was amazing. Sure. 600 dead, I think. 600,000 dead. Yeah. Other than that, pretty good. If it didn't come at the cost of massive casualties and, like, scarring, psychologically scarring for people who worked in it and all that shit. You know what my biggest scar is?

When I watch TV or movies and people in a group and I'm like, where's your fucking mask, you asshole? Really? That's the only, like every, every single scene. Like watching one show, every change of scenery. I'm like, no masks. You are. No masks. Such a liberal snowflake it's just like

none of you are wearing masks to me I don't think it's ever gonna change I think for the rest of my life even when I'm done

wearing masks I'm like where's your fucking mask what do you think about it for just put your goddamn fucking mask on I wonder how much

it will if it I mean I feel like it's wrapping up here to the extent that it's gonna be wrapped up where it's, it'll just be another problem of everyday society. You think so? I kind of think so, yeah.

Just like there's other, you know, there's other diseases, there's other bad parts of society. Like, like it's, you know, I don't know, there's the, the opioid epidemic is just always going on. And it's just like, this just something that's happening in life that doesn't, like, dominate what we do. You can't, like, catch it. Yeah, yeah. Right. And that'll always be the difference of it.

But I'm saying, like, I think it'll just be around. Like they always say, it'll be like a type of flu that you can catch, and it'll just be there, and it's not good. But, like, no masks and stuff. I think next year we'll be on masks. Yeah, yeah. But I think it'll just be a part of. I think 2022 will probably be done with masks.

I think it'll be like what like Asian people do where it's like you wear it when you have symptoms and you feel sick and shit. Yeah, that was very weird that we spent a good portion of our lives being like, what are these fucking weirdos? Oh, absolutely. Were they trying not to get people sick? Were they trying to stay healthy and not, what are these fucking weirdos? Oh, absolutely. Trying not to get people sick. What are they? What are they trying to say?

Not infect other people. Yeah. I know. It was so weird. It is such strange things over there. Again. No, we just have like,

we care about common decency for other people. Yeah. Yeah. You know what it is? It's because they care about their parents. Asians, Asians respect older people. And we're like,

get these old people into a home so we can eradicate them cuomo is like let's kill them all asian people like oh my god we can't even get them like we don't want them to get the sniffles put on a mask i i feel like uh it was i mean that's i think the interesting part of it all is how we did like so much changing in one year and shit that probably was going to take like 10. And that's where I really do think that there's like all the conspiracy side of it where it's like there were probably people in the government and technology and stocks and shit who like loved this, who were like, oh, this. Now we get to like put our plan into place that we were waiting for the next like 10 years. We could just do it fucking now. You think so?

Yeah, I feel like I feel like the amount of change that like happened i mean i don't know what it would be but you know if you are i mean i don't know if you're working for like amazon if you're working for like a virtual you know anybody like like a zoom who's like yeah we have like our plan here and now oh never mind like do everything right now let's exploit the fuck out of this and become like the head of the sector. You know what I mean? Like it's your chance to really, it's like when there's blood in the streets, there's like opportunity.

Yeah. And I feel like this provided so much opportunity if you were on the right side of things, you know, it's like how fucking the billionaires all became like, like all doubled their wealth during the pandemic. It's like when, when things go bad bad rich people are happy that's really what it boils down to there's just so much opportunity so much shit that changed from like my my my favorite parts of the pandemic was driving driving in and out of work with no traffic for the

beginning it was amazing it was it was so peaceful so like i used to like not like commuting now i was i loved commuting i was like i had a podcast to listen to i put it in no stress driving because there's no traffic nobody on the road i'm wearing sweatpants i'm driving in yeah i mean i hate it i hate it it's like i'm so uncomfortable i just i want to go back to sweatpants so bad i just want to keep living in the pandemic. But you can wear sweatpants. Yeah, I mean, I do most of the time. I think I've noticed a significant amount more buttons in Kevin Clancy's life.

I know. Well, because people started making comments. I'm like, all right, I guess I'll put on fucking pants again. But it is true. You're really worried about this, huh? It does make a difference. Where you're like, boy, you aren't even trying, huh? Like, when you see someone in sweatpants, they are a more acceptable form of clothing now.

But I think that's one of the good parts is that like the athleisure really stuck to the point that it's more acceptable. It is. But I love I loved when it was every day. I was like that to me. If we could stay that way, I would do that absolutely forever. I think the athleisure, the athleisure in order to be pulled off has to be worn like an aggressive look. Like you can only do it once in a while. Because if you just do an athleisure every day, you're like, hmm, not even a shower today, huh?

Yeah, that's what I liked when there was – when that – I'm not speaking specifically about you, although I am. But the... When there was no level of judgment on that, that, to me, that's our final form as humans, where we just stop caring about clothing. I don't... I think that... Excuse me. I think that we care more about clothing.

It's just we care about different kinds of clothing. You think we care more about clothing now? I think people... Because if you're putting on an athleisure outfit, it's a fucking delicate dance. And I think if you're actually trying to pull it off, you're thinking more about it. Because if you're just popping on, like, baggy sweatpants without a fucking whatever in the bottom and a ripped hoodie, you're like, you can't be like, what's athleisure? That's what I love. Like, the idea of athleisure is supposed to be, like, the ath part is supposed to be, like, you're working out, you're going to the gym. It's part of, like, the athletic what I love. Like the idea of athleisure is supposed to be like the ath part is supposed to be like you're working out. You're going to the gym.

It's part of like the athletic side of things. I was like, I'm just this is just leisure. These are leisure clothes. I am. I am wearing leisure pants. There's no ath for me. It's just sweatpants and hoodies with no. You walked in the parking garage.

Yeah, that's my athleticism at this point, is walking from the parking garage. The no FOMO, sweatpants. No FOMO and sweatpants is... And everything being like... I have neither of these. I have more FOMO than ever. FOMO of what? FOMO of everything. Anything like...

What's anybody doing that you're... Everyone's doing everything. Like, if you look on Instagram stories, everyone's out at bars. Everyone's out... People are in different fucking states. I'm going to fucking Colorado this weekend because guess what? There's a big storm in Colorado. Apparently, I have FOMO over that.

Apparently, I'm like, what? We're getting dumped on snow? Got to be in Denver for this. I had one buddy text me. John became a storm chaser. I had one buddy text me, dude, fucking Denver's getting a thousand-year buddy text me, like, dude, fucking Denver's getting a thousand-year storm. I'm like, well, then I'm getting a ticket. Is it really?

They're calling it one of those storms? It's like they've already gotten, like, three feet, and they're going to continue to get, like, dumped on. I'm like, fresh pow. Got to be there. Got to shred the gnar. Skied twice in the last three years. So, yeah, I still have FOMO, I think, Kevin. We were discussing yesterday, driving six and a half hours from Denver to Telluride to go heliskiing.

I said, I put the kibosh on that one. I was going to say. I'm flying across the country for 48 hours. I think I'm going to save the 12-hour round-trip drive. Dude, if you go heliskiing, John, you might be more suicidal than I thought. I mean, if it wasn't six and a half hours away, I'd go in a heartbeat. I'm just not sure. Can you hella ski?

Well, hella skiing, like, I mean, it's not as intense as people think it is. Are you jumping out of a helicopter? Not really. Like, it's maybe a little bit, but it's not like. Are you jumping out of a helicopter? Probably a little bit. Then it's about as intense as I think it is. But then you ski down the mountain,

and the helicopter just picks you up and brings you back up. It's fucking sick. It's no lift lines, no shit. It's fucking awesome. But it's not like Warren Miller fucking jumping from 50 feet up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I honestly don't know how exactly it works. Yeah.

Because I've only seen it in like Warren Miller movies. That is some white people shit. It's only $1,500 for the day. I was like, fuck, that's beautiful. That's pretty pricey. $1,500 for the chopper for the day, not per person. You can have four people in the chopper.

That's not bad. Yeah. It's like $300 a day for skiing. When you think about skiing is an extreme sport that's a super white people thing. And then we're also going to jump out of a flying aircraft. That is white people right there, man. So yeah, FOMO. I have it.

Yeah, I don't have it. I barely had it anyway, but that's what I loved. I loved when there was... What I love to do most in this world is just, like, hang out with or without somebody I like. I can be around, like, my family or close friends, or I could be solo, have, like, a new series to watch, some food delivered, and I'm comfortable.

I love doing that, too. That's what I love doing. And then when everybody was doing that, and there was no pressure to do anything but that, I was like, this is it. Like, you people have come to my level. Like, welcome to my party. I've been doing this forever.

And now we're all here together. And there's no talk of doing anything else. And I don't have to feel bad about not doing anything else or pressure to do anything else. And it was amazing. It was nice for – that was a nice vacation. But it was short. That was – I think nice that was a nice vacation but it was true it was short that was it was i think people we kind of talked about last episode i think people have a short memory about how bad it was and how short it was we're like it we really started going out again pretty soon pretty quick it wasn't like yeah we're all locked in we were locked in for like a month

maybe two and then we just kind of just going out. Everybody was secretly just breaking the rules. But not only. We were going to bars. This started in March. I was going to bars fairly regularly in May. Pretty sure. Yeah? Yeah.

New York was open. Rhode Island was open when I was still home. I'd come down to New York for a weekend. It was not a long time of being like, we are all locked in here. It was quick. And then that's when the time came. I have the fond memories again. You came to Rhode Island for me in May. it was not a long time of being like we are all locked in here it was quick and then but to me like i have i have like the fond memories again it sounds you came to rome sounds rude in may yeah it was like late may or memorial day yeah i i feel like you know again to not not to like

discount the the horror of it all but like that that period of time where like when it was still kind of cold and as as bad bad as it was in hindsight, like the Tiger Kings or The Last Dance or the things where we all were, and especially for content. Both of those fucking sucked, by the way. The Last Dance? Both of those were garbage. The Last Dance was awesome.

That was some pandemic shit. No. You're talking about big media being like, oh, thank God for this. Fucking ESPN and Netflix, thank God for it, because both those shows fucking stunk. No way. Tiger King was terrible. But Last Dance would have been like if – because that was going to be a big deal no matter what.

I'm only lumping it in with Tiger King because they were brought up at the same time. It was fine, but I didn't finish it. I think I watched like seven of the ten or whatever it was. Oh, I think you're probably in the minority on that one. I feel like that was actually well done because that was going going to be, like, Tiger King was just going to be like a Netflix thing that we all hopped on because we kind of needed it. But had that just gone off as planned where they aired it during the NBA finals, it would have been like a different type

of, like, experience. But that was going to be a big sports. The Daz Rodman episode was the only one I thought was, like, good. Yeah. I mean, I thought that was, I could watch. They all had, like, a line or two that was pretty interesting. I thought all of them were pretty, like, memorable. And, like, I mean, I guess it depends on, too, if mean, I thought that I could watch. They all had like a line or two that was pretty interesting. I thought all of them were pretty memorable. And I mean, I guess it depends on, too, if you grew up in that era and you watched it all.

But to me, that period of time where it was like everybody on the same page, it was like, again, if it didn't come with the copious amounts of death and struggle and unemployment. Live that way forever. I hope that's what retirement is. I hope that's what the afterlife is. The afterlife for me will be that. And again, on top of it, with the comfortability of it all, because that's where companies like Cuts Clothing, see, this is what I mean. Cuts Clothing had themselves a year,

because this is the perfect combination. I'm wearing the hoodie right now, of where you can wear this to work. You can wear this out. You could wear this to the gym if you're working out. You can wear it around your couch just to lounge. Like they talk about perfect timing. They take the thought out of the athleisure.

That's like, okay, it just works. And the way they do it, like, you know, there actually are some that have like they have that cool logo with like the little pins that are like in an X, and they have one that just says cuts in like a block letters so if you do want a little something to look at a little like focal point you can get that but most of them are just plain with like blue white black tan gray like the essentials they went from the t-shirts to the hoodies they've got the pants to go with it and it's just no thought easy peasy comfortable stylish enough that it's like you're not you're not going to look like the slob where you're just wearing like a ripped hood and baggy sweatpants.

Like real clothes, nice materials that are kind of versatile and you can wear everywhere, whether you were locked down in the pandemic or once you got out and were able to go to the bars and live your life. Cuts clothing covers all of it started in 2016 so it's like it's like just a truly modern company that like i think uh is kind of exactly what uh the world was heading towards and then just went into like hyperdrive with i think that's all that that's like the main thing of the i think everything that we are now is like we were headed that way it just we got there like five or like 10 years earlier uh and cuts clothing companies like them, are like right there at the forefront to help with that transition. And right now you can get 15% off when you go to cutsclothing.com slash Clancy. It's one of the, I mean, every single day at this point,

I'm grabbing something off the top of the pile. That's either a T-shirt or a hoodie or pants from them. So Cuts is in my rotation and in my wardrobe almost once a day, every day, all week long. So it's cutsclothing.com slash clancy get 15 off on the only shirt worth wearing they have all the different styles all the different cuts all the different colors for that sleek uh modern look that any guy can wear go to cutsclothing.com slash clancy we got um Karen Feehan on the show today and Nate Bargatze.

So two very funny comedians. Karen's a fucking wild, wild, just a, she's a wild card. It's a nice juxtaposition between the two of us. I was going to just say that. Like, you got Nate, two comics coming from opposite ends of the spectrum. Karen being just an absolute wild lunatic and Nate just being like like nate nate is the greatest average living american yeah greatest average american i would say nate is not a comedian nate is just the funniest person alive who tells jokes on a stage you know what i mean like i don't even think because because comics so many comics do

have the reputation of like, some of them are crazy and they're recovering alcoholics and some of them are like, have this wild background where they can draw from these stories that are unheard of

and, you know, I turn my pain into humor, all these things. And then there's Nate and he's just like, I play golf. Nate might be the worst one. Nate grew up getting

yelled at by a clown. And I believe that's the name of his first comedy album. Yelled at by a clown. He does have, he has his own like hurtful experiences in his own weird Nate way. But he just happens to be the funniest person like fucking alive where everything he says is money.

And now he just like golfs and tells jokes. It's an incredible life. So both those guys on the show today. We got M.I. So both those guys on the show today, we got M.I. the Asshole and Voicemails, of course. One of the comics who I think is, like, I guess in a weird way, similar to Nate, I've been watching, I watched the Patrice O'Neill special,

and he was kind of like not really, he was a good comic, but he was like a comic but he was like i hate entertaining people it's like i fucking i hate like having to make these people laugh which is such a weird like what are you doing in this industry that but go beyond the office patrice yeah patrice is such a weird thing um now that he's dead like and so many of the top... He had that heralded comics comic. You know, the Dave Attell, the Colin Quinn. Like, you're so funny and so good at this that the comedians revere you, not just the fans. But at the same time, everything I hear about him

is how much of a fucking asshole he was. And they all say that. Like, yeah like patrice was a dick and i hated him but he was great man and i'm like what what does that mean and and like i and you when you watch this special it's really well done and like all your favorite comics are in a dvr it's on uh um i watched on, I don't know what that meant either. Should we be like on demand? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, I watched it on, it's funny that we, it's funny to bring it up, on Vudu, which was like one of the things we drafted because I just searched for it and it was like, yeah, this is on, this is some sort of video on demand for movies. So I had to like sign up for Vudu to watch it, which was a pain in the ass, I will admit. But it's from All Things Comedy. I don't know why, that's like Bill Burr's network. I don't know why it wasn't just on one of the regular streaming services. But it's like $2.99 or $3 or something like that.

It's well worth it. But he was definitely like a cool cat, interesting cat. There was a part where he was talking about how he was doing web junk, which was kind of like Daniel Tosh, sort of like stand in front of a green screen talk about like shit that was happening on the internet you know and he like probably could have he said he's like i could have just kept doing that and probably been like pretty rich and not famous but like well known and he's like i don't want to do that because then i get like 17 year old girls showing up at my shows being like that wasn't that wasn't web junk like what was that about he's like i don't fucking want those people and he really like lived that life where it was

like i don't i don't want he's like i want to be like rich and successful but like on my own terms you know and which is just cool now seeing how much like that was kind of like ahead of its time where it's like you can sell out now you can go do like certain things they're like yeah you'll get like a million followers or whatever but not the followers you want really you certain things that are like, yeah, you'll get a million followers or whatever, but not the followers you want, really. So he had a real... I guess he just sabotaged everything he ever did where he would go on the set of a show and everyone would be like,

we fucking hate this guy, get rid of him. Get him out of here. He wouldn't play ball with any Hollywood execs. On The Office, they must have really hated him. Yeah, I don't think that worked well. He was on The Office. He was on Arrested Development. He was funny enough that he got... Yeah, he was working.

He was T-Bone. He would work in the banana stand. So he always got those looks, and I think they just never stuck. But what was sad was he did Elephant in the Room, which was his big special, and then I think he made an appearance somewhere, and there's a clip of him on a radio

show, and he was like, I think I'm six to nine months away. I think he said an appearance somewhere. And there's a clip of him on a radio show. And he was like, I think I'm like six to nine months away. I think he said, I'm like six months to a year away from like fame. And right in the middle of that nine months is when he died. So like he like, I think he thought he did it. He had diabetes and he had a stroke. And that was sad too. Because he talks about like having a problem with food. And he says all the time, like, I'm not here for a long time. Like he cause he talks about like having a problem with food and he says all the time, like,

and I'm not here for a long time. Like he talked to his fiance about having kids and he was like, I'm not comfortable with the idea of leaving you alone with the kid. Cause like, I'm not here for a long time. So I don't want to do it. Um, but he,

but the girl had a, had her own daughter from another, um, marriage. And he like was her stepdad and raised her. And like, there's a part where she spoke at his funeral and was like, everybody talks about Patrice being so funny and being this comic and like nobody

talks about him be like a good dad i want to like talk about him i was like oh my god i'm sitting here crying on a patrice o'neill fucking video but uh but just like it's such a weird i don't know if it's because he was that funny or because he died or a combination of both. But it's like, this guy was a jerk to people. And they're telling you that. Like, I just don't know anybody. I can't think of anybody that compares whether they're famous or like in my life where it would be like. But I was just like, yeah, Fidelberg was a fucking dick.

You can't think of anyone who compares? That is also beloved. Yeah, I guess so. No one comes to mind, Kevin? No, I will. That is a joke. Dave has never really been a dick dick. Yeah, no.

No, no, no, no. But you're right. But no, here's the difference. It's that the people who like Dave don't think he's a dick. I like Dave, and I think he can be a dick. I wouldn't say, if you were, okay, let's say Dave dies tomorrow, and I'm involved in the special. I'd be like, Dave was Dave.

That's how you start it. Dave was Dave. Okay, that's funny. So Donnell Rawlings is one of the guys, and he's like, this is the part where I'm supposed to say what a great guy he was because he's dead and in death comes good things. I'm going to say what Patrice would want me to say. Patrice was an asshole.

He was funny. He was my friend, but he was an asshole. But you're right. I don't think Dave was an asshole. I would not be like Dave was a dick. I would be like, look, Dave, sometimes he'd be a dick. For sure. But I don't think dick is on the first line of Dave's obituary.

I think it's... I hope not. It's like line three. Sometimes El Presidente could be an asshole. But I do think Dave... My experiences with Dave Portnoy are always like we're pretty good. We're fine. He's fair.

Yeah. Well, what I think is – I think what's weird with Barstool and I guess a little bit with the comics is like – oh, and this is a good point. I was watching – I was listening to Two Bears and Bert was close enough with him. But he was – but Patrice was like we're not friends. You and I are not friends. We're like comics in the same industry and we get along but we're not friends so like stop calling me your friend which was like again just like you're being a dick dude like you're not allowing me to call you my friend that's so like there could be someone at barstool sports who i've never met

they're like yeah i'm friends with final right and be like i'm like who's that and they'd be like oh he says he works at barstool like oh yeah he's a good dude right yeah i mean like i don't know if it was like i think they said it was almost like a cultural thing to like a white and black thing where, but Patrice was like, yeah, like, could I sleep on your parents' couch? And Bert was like, no, they probably would be like, who the fuck is this guy? And he's like, yeah, then we're not friends. I was like, that's a pretty high bar for friends.

Pretty high bar, but guess what? Patrice O'Neill could sleep on my parents' couch. Parents don't really care. My friend Patrice, he's going to crash here for a little bit. They'd be like, all right. Sounds good. I think, but it's like weird. I did that with one friend for the whole summer.

I didn't even live at home. You stayed at a friend's couch? I had an apartment, and that friend was working in Boston, so he's living closer to, he needed to stay at my parents' house. Oh, they stayed at your parents' house? Yeah. They stayed for like three months, but then my mom was like,

it might be time for him to go. Three months? Every day? Every day. Were they like separate? Maybe it wasn't three, might have been two.

I forget, it was a couple of months in the summer. That's a long time. Were they like using the bathroom and eating dinner? No, they had enough

bathrooms and stuff like that. So they were like separate enough? It was separate enough, but it was... Were they like seeing each other in the morning? Oh, yeah.

That's wacky. Was it one of your close friends? It's a close friend, yeah. Do I know? No, it's my buddy from New Orleans. It's not that close, then. I don't know. We went to high school together.

Oh, okay. It's just a different era. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was, like, shortly after high school. But it was, like... I forget how long it was, but it was enough time where my mom, it was fine for a long time. She's like, that might be enough. I think what's funny in both worlds is like, are you friends or are you co-workers in a way?

You know what I mean? See, I don't fucking do that shit. I guess I'd be like the fucking fuckboy in a romantic comedy. I don't do labels. I don't know. You're all my friend. Yeah. I'm not like, well, we're in a...

Yeah, if you want to push, come to shove with it. Yeah. I heard Tommy do it the other day. Tommy's like, are we friends or are we coworkers? No, it wasn't with me. I could overhear him. I'd call Tommy my friend if you want to break it down. Yeah, I guess we're probably just coworkers, but I'd be like, are we friends or are we coworkers? I'm like, no, it wasn't with me. I could overhear him. And, like, I'd call Tommy my friend if you want to, like, break it down. Yeah, I guess we're probably just coworkers.

But, like, you're my friend. Would you go to – how many funerals would you go to at Barstool Sports? Depends on how many a majority of people went to. Which ones will I be judged if I do or do not go to? Yeah, I would go to, like – Like, that person died, not their mom, right do not go to? I would go to like, like, like that person died, not their mom,

right? That, yeah, Tommy. Yes. Yes. I would go to Tommy's funeral. I feel like I would go to everybody's funeral at Barstool Sports. Everybody's,

it's a big company. Like, maybe not, I'm not going to, like business, I don't know. Content? Okay.

Yeah. I can't think of one. Are you talking our side of the room? I can't, I think if someone in content died and I didn't go to their funeral, that would be a huge asshole move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we're talking content. Yeah, I'm like, we're not talking about fucking the people out in L.A., right?

No, I didn't even list people out in L.A. Yeah, there's like fucking business people. Some sales people? Yeah, no, no, no. Talking about like, you know, this floor, basically. This area over here. Yeah, okay, yes. That area, yeah. I'll go to all the people. I thought you floor, basically. This area over here. I thought you meant Alex Cooper. Oh, no. You're not going to get an invite

to her funeral. I don't think I'm on the guest list. I do not want John Fodderberg at my funeral. It is bad for my brand. Tim Dillon was on BFFs and they were talking about the skit he made where he he was like pretending he was like i'll be the next call her daddy co-host with sofia leaving and he was i think i guess he was talking about like trying to get on the show and they were like yeah no

absolutely not alice cooper will not be having you on her show at all no fucking chance um i i i feel like you know like like bill burr and like jim norton and those guys were like friends with patrice and then there's like a lotr and like Jim Norton and those guys were like friends with Patrice. And then there's like a lot of comics. So we like came across. So it's like and I think that's kind of similar. Same vibe here at Barstool. It's like, you know, which guys are like friends and which guys are coworkers.

You know, Dave was Dave was out with the Chicago guys, like all the Chicago guys work together. And he was telling them, like, you know, me and Dan and Dave, me, Dan and Kevin, like, don't go out to get drinks together and hang out. Like like you know me and dan and dave me dan and kevin like don't go out to get drinks together and hang out like we're not friends we're just we we coexist and we like get shit done and i think that's where and but like they were surprised by that i think so because those guys like on top of each other and like living you know each other's lives it's like you don't have to do that you shouldn't do that i think it makes it hard where it's like i think we've been able to coexist me and you were friends but like me and dave were able to get shit done because it's just like come together do some work go separate and like that's it you know um but i think fans and people want it

to be friends you know what i mean like you want to think that all the comics are best friends together and it's like no i just are on the headline at the club at the same time. Like Barstool, it's like, yeah, we just. What other company do you assume that everyone at ESPN is like best friends? You know? No. It's weird. It is weird. I guess it's a size thing.

I don't think my like best friends, the people I hang out with the most in this company, people would be very surprised. It's like Zach, Pat, PFT, Rudy. Whaty what you said zach fucking that guy zach pat pft rudy cons um something people like people i hang out with the most yeah well because that's that's that's also like there's your friends then there's your then there are the people who are social and go out right and then there are then there's the people who are social and go out. Right. And then there are the, then there's the friends who are social and go out.

You know what I mean? Like some of them are just going to be at the bar at the same time as you, some of them are going to be at the bar at the same time as you and your friends. I forgot Casey. Casey. Casey probably wouldn't be a surprise. So, uh, whoops.

Casey's going to be talking to a therapist about that one now. Jesus Christ. Nick Tarani. That's going to be talking to a therapist about that one now. Jesus Christ. Nick Tarani. That's going to be. My bad, Casey. Casey's going to have an entire episode of the mental health thing with Bailey about that one now. Which I've got a bone to pick. We're going to get into Feidelberg's notebook in a second.

But it's time that I just finally put this on record uh and i know you're with me on this one that making your bed is just so overhyped and just a complete waste of fucking time yeah i i'm sick of hearing about it it's had its moment in the sun and uh and i don't want to hear about it anymore i i agree it It's become so goddamn cliche, Bailey Carlin. I'm going to wait for you to make your bed, and I'm going to kill you, and I'm going to put your dead body in the bed, and I'm going to ruffle it all up so that when they find your dead body, they're going to be like, oh, he was dead in an unmade bed.

I want your whole brand to go down in flames. I'm okay. I've been arguing with him about it like every single day after I finally unmuted him on Twitter. And I saw that he tweets every day, make your bed. And I just constantly be chirping back, don't bother. Don't make your bed. It's not a big deal. If you make your bed and it works for you, that's fine.

But you just have to acknowledge that this is a made-up construct in your head to assign value to this thing. Right? I mean, that's all it is. It's just a made-up idea. And if it works, great. But there just is nothing inherently about that that matters. I agree. Right?

Like, who's to even say what a made bed means? Wait, you know we talk about this with Karen, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. We're going to go heavy on the not made bed segment this podcast well yeah we she just kind of we did like 10 minutes on it with her oh okay all right we don't have to do that all right all right so let's get into uh johnny notebooks this is so stupid by the way this well this we we kind of we did this once with emails remember that yeah the time where you would email yourself.

But that was when I was drunk. Right. These are drunk. Yeah. Feidelberg drunk thoughts was one thing. I am more intrigued in Feidelberg sober thoughts. They're not even thoughts. This is just rapid fire.

I don't even know if I want to put a segment tag on this yet because that's a lot of responsibility to have. I don't think any of it's interesting enough. Okay. So we actually started talking about the pandemic and when things are going to be getting better't think any of it's interesting enough like okay so we actually started talking about the pandemic and when things are going to be getting better at the end of it i'm not going to a concert until 2023 that's a promise to you right now because of because i just will not be able to bear musicians coming out and talking about the pandemic after two hit songs where it's like you know like they'll come out and fucking do, give me a band.

Maroon 5 will come and do She Will Be Loved. And then what? I don't know why it was Maroon 5. And then they'll do. I was going to say. And then. What's the. Sugar.

I don't know how I got to sugar from there, i did but they'll come out and they'll do she will be loved and they'll do sugar and they'll be like you know guys we've been looking forward to this year we're so happy to be here we're so happy to get to share these moments with you again we're so happy and like we lost a lot of loved ones over the pandemic man yeah this next one's for them i'll be like shut the fuck up and play fucking – I got another one. I got another one in the bag. Come on. There was a Cardi B song somewhere in there, right?

Oh. But I don't know it. I don't know. But whatever. I was thinking the other day just thinking about frontman singers working on their opening monologues and trying to be exceptionally deep. And it's like, just play Freebird, man. They say the same thing about the comedians getting back on stage where it's like, all your jokes are pandemic related. Let's just get past this whole section and return.

Because you're really not getting over the pandemic if everything you do is still talking about the pandemic. And it didn't happen. It's actually, I was thinking about it, I was, I was grabbing I think I mentioned earlier, I grabbed a beer with Lou the other day and, like, as soon as we sat down, it was just like man, this is crazy, huh?

Not really. And then it's like it's like, I want New York to be back. I think it is. And it's like, what do you, I just give one word answers now. I'm turning into the asshole we were just talking about, where it's just like, I've done this with literally every single person. I can't do it anymore.

And they're like, what do you think about the vaccine? Probably going to get it. Probably going to vaccinate me from the disease. And then people are like, oh, vaccines. Shut the fuck up. Let's just pretend it's not happening. It is like what we've talked about before with fucking small talk, where you're like, just do it.

Yeah, you're the asshole for not engaging in it, but then eventually you reach a breaking point where it's just like, I can't. You have a point where you're just like, I can't do this anymore. I just can't do it. It just feels silly. It's actually, we talked about a little bit of cancel culture with Karen, and I don't think I'm there with cancel culture, too. Yeah, it's hard to talk about.

I saw a fucking picture the other day. This is a true picture of a screenshot from Fox News. It was the goddamn fucking Muppets and fucking Dr. Seuss and a couple of people with a stamp over them that said cancelled and I was just like you can't do that and think you're being serious

right? Like no one who uses the word cancelled right now can't, you can't do it without an eye roll, right? Yeah. Can't be without an eye roll I'm going to say we're getting cancelled It's like what we used to say When people got mad that barstool people Would attack them And we would be like Well that's just part of being a public person

People get mad at what you say sometimes That's just what cancelled is No one's fucking trying to fire No one's emailing advertisers People are just yelling at you on Twitter It's just what canceled is. No one's fucking trying to, like, fire, like, no one's emailing advertisers. Like, people are just yelling at you on Twitter. It's just part of, like, something. Yeah, I mean, we've talked about it at length, but, like, originally canceled meant, like, you are no longer employable. Right.

You lose all your sponsorships. You get deplatformed. And, like, you can't contribute or make money from society anymore. That happened to, like, two or three people total who all really deserved it. Who all went to jail. Yeah, the Bill Cosbys, the Harvey Weinsteins, the R. Kellys. And that's really it. Once cartoons started getting involved,

I was like, you can't not roll your eyes at this, right? What is worse, though? I can't decide, because there's always two groups. There's the one group who is acting like we're losing sleep over the fact that Pepe Le Pew can't be out anymore. And then there's the group that's acting like we really need to worry about what Pepe Le Pew is. Like each side is equally ridiculous. I guess I hear more from the other side.

The one that it's ridiculous that Pepe Le Pew can't be out. Yeah. But I think the people who are like. That's because of my echo chamber. Pepe Le Pew is a be out. Yeah, but I think the people who are like... That's because of my echo chamber. Pepe Le Pew is a... Can't cancel a cartoon! Pepe Le Pew is a racist, a rapist skunk. And it's deplorable, but I also

like, whatever, I don't care. There's the other side being like, this is grooming young men to become rapists. It's like, that's pretty fucking silly too. And I can't, sometimes, it depends on i guess which topic it is i can't decide who's more ridiculous like i got something must have happened this morning because i had three dms in a row on instagram at like 7 30 in the morning

being like how come cardi b and megan the stallion can scissor each other on stage oh that was like one person like said that and then like dante said that on Twitter the other night. By the time Dante had said it at the Grammys, it was already an eye roll fucking stupid thing. Yeah. Think about this. Always think about this. You're about to say something incredibly profound. Right.

Let me just run something through that brain of yours real quick. Try this on for size. Let me tell you this i'll just just think about just think about just think about it wop is more welcome in schools now than dr seuss is and they and you think they're all saying it they're all saying it like like it was their thought yeah everyone is just there that's why i thought it was so weird it was like 7 30 7 34 7 38 three people being like pepe lepew's canceled but WAP is okay and I'm thinking I want to go on Twitter and see if one main account said it

and that's why I'm now getting all the tweets it was definitely someone a right wing side said that Ben Shapiro said this it probably was people are getting into second grade class and now I want to gag I want to choke and fucking second grade is repeating that's not how it works you goddamn fucking morons right

it is more welcome in schools than no it's not wop isn't taught in schools neither is dr seuss really i don't think i know i don't remember learning dr seuss in school either it's all so nuts but anyway that was it's it's i i am banning people in my life from talking about vaccines covid brother uh brother you are not going to a concert until like 2025 then i know it's it's gonna linger i haven't been to many concerts anyway i'm gonna say i'm not going to a concert because it's awkward to go to concerts i think the last time i went to was hollow notes i felt i fit right in i was there was seven Colombian girls. It was their idea to go. Wow.

One thing I learned coming up next week. It was, I think they were just doing it to placate me. Like the next night we went to fucking. Fanny Blanco or some shit. Oh, J Balvin. It's our turn. We'll take the gringo to Holland Oats real quick. and then we'll fucking take him to Columbia on the L. What else is in that book of yours?

Okay. This one I don't really get. This one's kind of funny, actually. Okay. Erica Fleishen, block your ears, please. When I get shampooed by a girl at the shampoo place, I get girls who like their hair pulled. Yeah, no.

I was getting my hair cut the other day. I'm like, pull it harder. Yeah. I don't even know if anybody has to earmuff it. I think that's just a fact in nature. She was kind of like slowly doing it. I was like, you're rough. I was like biting you're rough.

She's like biting his lip back there. Yeah. Pull a razor out of my pocket and cut my fucking arms. McCable caught her. McCable caught her. I did it on the inside of my thighs, actually. I take my belt off and just hand it to her imagine that she's like you know sit down and you're like okie dokie

here you go she's like what is this for you know what it's for what's your Venmo tip here's your tip girl gotta pay extra for that that was the first time ever I was your Venmo tip. Here's your tip, girl. Got to pay extra for that. It was. It was.

It was. And that was the first time ever where, like, I really felt that. But I was like, come on, get a little wrong. Don't be shy. Just slap me in the face. I opened my mouth wide. What are you doing? Did you see Trey Songz?

What do you think I'm doing? Spit! Did you see the Trey Songz spit? That, that Louie. That, that. Come on, Mama Bird, hit me. Go, go. all from a haircut folks this is all this is all coming from a haircut. You gotta be fucking kidding me. This man is out here cawing.

It all stemmed from a haircut. Mama bird, I haven't had lunch yet. I'm hungry. Hey, you getting your haircut at noon? I got lunchtime. Don't worry. Two birds, one stone, literally. Don't worry.

We can do it all in one shot. Fucking wanted to get it in my eyes. Not to spit the shampoo, make it burn. Johnson & Johnson Johnson no more tears no thank you you got a bucket of acid over there dump that on me

goodbye goodbye what else is in that fucking book that book of horrors okay I think I think I've decided

I'm just gonna start stealing quotes Jesus Christ like just attributing them to me I think I've decided I'm just going to start stealing quotes. Jesus Christ. Like, just attributing them to me. I think we can do it. I think enough time has passed in history that we can just start taking them. I think we do.

Don't we steal stuff all the time? I don't think so, dude. No, I mean, like, famous quotes. Let's just say they're ours. Oh, they said clones. No. Quotes. Quotes.

Yes, okay. What did you think I said? Clothes. Like, I'm going to start stealing clothes. Clothes. Oh, they said clones. No. Quotes. Quotes. Yes, okay. What did you think I said? Clothes. Like, I'm going to start stealing clothes. Clothes! Oh, at least they said clones. We're really fucked up here. At first I thought you meant you were going to start physically... What clones are you taking?

At first I thought you meant you were going to start literally stealing, like, clothes off the rack. And then I thought you meant, like, designing them and saying that they're yours. And now I understand quotes. No. Yeah. No, clothes. Clothes I have yours. And now I understand quotes. No. Yeah. Clothes. Clothes I have stolen.

Clones I have not. Quotes I shall begin to. Amen. In nomine spiritu, in nomine sante. Don't fire till you see the whites in their eyes. John Feinberg. Dude, I saw it. I mean, that's a great gig right now.

Just steal it. The other day, there were two in particular where it was, so it's a quote that it was like, I guess it was MJ's birthday or something recently, and they put up his best quotes on SportsCenter's Instagram, and one was like, there's no I in team, but there is in win. That wasn't Michael Jordan who said that first. No. Kobe got that. Shaq gave it to Kobe with, no, there's no I in team, Kobe. No, it was wasn't Michael Jordan. No. That person. No. Colby got that. Shaq gave it to Colby with, no,

there's no iron team. Colby. No, but there's a me and that motherfucker. Yeah. And the one that really put me over the edge was like, that's it. I'm taking quotes now was someone said,

so Brianna chicken fry retweeted someone that said, I'm living my life. Like Brianna chicken fry from now on. I'm living my life. Like, like, like I actually said, she would, we can sleep when we're dead.

I'm like, Brianna chicken fries. Get out. Sleep when I'm dead. Then I'm just, like, like, like she said she would. We can sleep when we're dead. I'm like, Brianna, chicken fries. Get out. Sleep when I'm dead. Then I'm just taking everything from now. Anything that happened 50 years ago or more. I said, ask not what you can do for your country. John, fight over it.

Like, I just, I'm just going full. I have a dream. KFC. I just fucking excited. I haven't. I wrote the goddamn Constitution. That really fucking decided I haven't. I wrote the goddamn constitution, too. That really is so true, though. Like, if there's one thing we have learned this year,

something has happened. This has always happened. But something has heightened it this year where there's a huge generational gap where it's like, you don't know who this person is and I don't know who this person is. That's at an all-time high. So quotes fall right into that

where it's like, I've never heard anybody say that before. And I think, I don't know if it's the younger generation is stupider than ever or the older generation is less plugged into the younger generation more than ever. But right now, it's right for the pickings. You can steal whatever you want and people are going to be like, I've never heard that before. That was profound from John. Yeah, man.

The smart people said that way before me. This piggy went to market this little piggy went to town this little piggy i don't know the whole thing i'll have to memorize the quotes i'm gonna steal but that's also what i can i honestly it actually might be too much work for me to steal quotes because i think i just accidentally run into something interesting far more than i could like sit down think it out and be like, all right, I'm going to memorize this. What, what,

what if you could have one quote be yours, what would it be? Oh boy. Um, one quote be mine. It's a great, it's a great, like,

like dude, I was looking up the words that, that Shakespeare invented. Oh, he's got some awesome shit to his name, man. You know he invented skim milk? Skim milk? In 1598.

So he invented the term skim milk. I would have thought that was like 1975. Yeah. Like some diet, like, craze. For sure. Nope. Shakespeare. Skim milk.

But he also invented swagger. That's so fucking cool. He invented swagger? Like, that's such a cool fucking word to be like, yeah, you know, like, this guy walked in and wearing his cloak and he had his sword and he had his fucking cool horse. He just had so much, ah, swagger. Write it down. Fucking write it down, man. You know what's really embarrassing?

By you bringing up the word swagger, I thought of the quote I would want. And it is, soldier boy, tell him. Yo, shout out to Soulja Boy. Soulja Boy, as always, at the forefront of everything, he's out here slinging NFTs. I think he's making big money off of that. Is he? Yeah. It is wild. He is like... He's always like, you can laugh it up, but he's always

doing it. I think he like sold Superman that hoe or something like that. Oh, we're going to get a better one than Soulja Boy. Soulja Boy, tell him. You stole the wrong one. What else is in that? Do we have one more? This one's just another one that continues to plague me.

This is my last one. We talked about his ad nauseum on the show bluetooth just isn't real we're not ready for bluetooth i'm so sick of fucking bluetooth is i'm no well i'm ready for it to be real i'm ready to be real so like i get i get in the car every day and i have to plug my fucking phone in to listen to the podcast listen to music whatever you know and i want it to just happen for real and bluetooth and it just doesn't we're not there and I have to plug my fucking phone in to listen to podcasts, listen to music, whatever. And I want it to just happen. For real.

And it just doesn't. And I'm not even talking about in the car. Get me to connect to a Bose fucking speaker? Not a shot. But even my headphones now when I walk. I don't know if this is a problem. Does anyone else here use Bluetooth headphones? Not you. When you cross the street sometimes,

does a headphone go out or does it get staticky, or does it get chippy? Your Bluetooth headphones are the loudest headphones in the world. Oh, I guess. It's just crinkling and crackling, and you can hear all the cars drive by. The microphone must pick up everything. The two times we've done it, ASL you're referring to, the two times we've done done it i was one stand on my back porch which is it looks out of our courtyard it's a quiet dead silent courtyard and then the other time i was just standing in my room quietly it's weird so i just can't i just can't use it for asl anymore but the um like when i cross the street

it'll be it'll fade out and it'll kick out. I think it's something about the lights because it's always when I'm going by the traffic lights. I love how we're in an era where people are like, 5G is going – the ground is going to be smart and it's going to – the highway is going to be plugged into your blah, blah, blah. But at the same time, I can't walk past a fucking street light with headphones. Dude, we did – when you think about technology that came too soon, the other one that comes to mind was the chip on a credit card. And we figured that out in like three months. Bluetooth, gotta be what, 15 years old? Still a

fucking mess. Works one out of ten times. It's insanity that we keep trying to be like, just Bluetooth. What do you mean? What does that fucking mean? to just connect to it? Because guess what? Bose doesn't know.

Apple doesn't know. Fucking Chevy doesn't know. Whatever kind of Hyundai doesn't know. None of you fucking assholes have figured it out yet. So stop saying it's available technology. It is not available technology. We have not perfected it. It stinks.

You were special today. I'll tell you what. You are special. Yo, there's a time when I crossed. This is a true story. When I crossed 23rd Street, I have to look at the East River to hear music. Yes, it is. I swear to God.

I swear to God. I've done it so much. Let's say you're walking south. You have to look to your left to look at the fucking... Oh, wait, wait. Something about the wrong river. I have to look to the east side. That's the east river.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, whatever. I would have been real fucked up if it was on the west side. But I'm just saying, so you're walking and you have to turn your head left to right depending on what you're doing. But I'm walking... So you're just like this. Yeah. In order to hear your music.

I walk like this. I swear to God. chance no chance we're going to 23rd street we are going to 23rd street i am putting your headphones in i am gonna walk and look right at the freedom tower and i'm gonna hear my fucking music no chance he only happens when i'm coming uptown though all right i'll be i'll be looking at you right. I'll be looking. You have to look at Times Square. Sure. There is no way you need to look at the river to hear your fucking. And you're telling me if you look at the Hudson, it's not going to work? It's got to be this way? It doesn't work because it's only this left ear.

I think I have to hide this left ear. From what? I didn't know. From whatever fucking gamma rays are coming out of the streetlights. I got to block them with my skull so I can fucking listen to music. The gamma rays from the streetlights, folks. I'm dead serious.

I learned it recently. Now I'm like a fucking robot. I start Quattro 23rd. I hope you get run down by a car that's looking this way, and you have to give an interview like, what happened? Well, I didn't see the Uber. Because I had to turn my head.

I had to look at the East River to hear, hold on. Colossal idiot. You're an asshole. Let's find out who else is an asshole today's m of the assholes brought to you by ollie pop i'm a soda addict everybody knows it i am addicted to pop and uh it's bad for you man it's it makes you fat it it like it roads your teeth you ever see those you ever see those um those like specials where uh not specials, experiments where they pour a can of Coke out in a bowl and they just leave it there and it boils down to this sludge? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, oh my god, I drank that?

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but you can order them right off the website, drinkipop.com slash kfc code kfc and by the asshole time we begin with uh this girl emily straight from our facebook page so you can go uh the kfc radio facebook page is actually pretty good as far as all of our um content submissions go so i know facebook is um not facebook's so weird where it's like it's not like a failure. It's huge, massive, but it's like not really new and cutting edge. So the people who use it, use it. The people who don't use it usually shy away from it. But we get a lot of good content coming out of the KFC radio Facebook page. So Emily here says, am I the asshole for being mad at my friend for not telling me that the guy she's trying to set me up with went to rehab in 2019

background the guy is her good friend she decided to play matchmaker i asked her for some background info on her and all she said was how wonderful he is and how great he is and all that and that we'd hit it off i mentioned this to our other friend and she told me he went to rehab in 2019 for being an alcoholic but only stayed sober for a week after getting out and that he's been absolutely intolerable when he drinks. No. Unfortunately, no. You're not the asshole.

I was going to have the back here. I was going to have the rehab back here. Because I do think that, no, you've got to give full warnings about everything. Definitely. Let me tell you something. There's one asshole in here, and it's the matchmaker. For just playing matchmaker. That is an insane idea.

This is 1946. There's plenty of places to meet people. Let me willingly and actually, like, proactively insert myself into your relationship drama inevitable relationship drama because at the very least you're going to have a couple times where you fight and have issues and then what then you're like this weird stuck in between thing or i actually break up when i have two friends who hook up because i tell both of them i'm not i'm not involved no matter what happens here i'm going to be friends with both of you afterwards so don't fucking tell me anything

because I don't give a shit now you don't have to do any shoulder to cry on if they're both individually with a stranger you have to give advice, you have to help but if they're together, I say do not talk to me because I don't care and if you try and fucking manipulate me

into thinking the other person's bad, I don't give a fuck. Whatever happens here is not affecting my relationship with either of you. And then literally, it's happened to me multiple times. Your friends start dating each other, John just pops his headphones in, turns left, and doesn't listen to a fucking thing you gotta say. Yeah, awesome. You two hook up.

Beautiful. I love it. Yeah, that's actually a funny, like, you actually should be excited if your friends date because it actually, while you it's gonna be more drama it actually cancels out and there's no drama for you you have to you have to really lay down i i beat it into that i'm always like you have to listen to me right i don't give a shit don't come to me at all nope and and and you gotta say it with your eyes yeah yeah they gotta believe it they gotta believe it when you say it like This is serious. I don't fucking care about you at all, good friend.

Yeah, it should always be that way. You should be able to say that. Okay. Oh, you're dating a new person than I've known before? I don't give a shit. Don't come to me with your issues. I can't help you. It's so crazy that people try to lean on their friends for help. You don't know my shit.

How are you going to give me advice on this? You don't know what she's like or he's like behind closed doors or what's really going on. People come to you with an issue in a relationship. They're lying. Yeah, they're trying to convince you that they're the good guy. They're 100% lying all the time. Yeah, you probably did some dicked up shit.

Definitely. It's like, can you believe that Jim called me an asshole? What a dick. And it's like, well, why? There's, you know, Jim called me an asshole? What a dick. And it's like, well, why? There's no reason. He was just being a dick. And it's like, oh, you sucked his brother's dick. You know what I mean?

Like, oh, yeah. There was actually a fucking really valid reason for that, you dumbass. I try not to talk about it very often with people because I'm like, well, they're going to ask a follow-up question. And why did that happen? We're fighting a lot right now why would happen ah never mind no reason if i could have a press conference not a press conference uh i could give a speech rather than have a press conference right maybe i'd do some more complaining there will be no further questions and we'll know there'll be no q a after this thank you yeah i mean if you try to

also though the issue at hand like trying to play matchmaker with someone who was an alcoholic in like two minutes ago. Yeah, that's crazy, too. It's like that person deserves to go. Like they're still an alcohol. Right. They went to fucking full blown rehab not too long ago and then relapsed. That's, you know, that's not to say that he can't be like in love and doesn't deserve to find somebody. But to actively set that person up with someone else is like, boy, oh, boy.

You've got to paint an accurate picture. You can even leave out rehab. You could leave out rehab if you said he's a fucking madman. And you can spin it. He's fun. You have a lot of fun. No boring nights with him, but he's a fucking lunatic. It also depends.

It doesn't say here, but how old is everybody and what's going on? Yeah, yeah. If he's 125, he's not an alcoholic. Right. He just goes hard. That might be a plus. He's a bundle of fun. He's a big ball of fun.

You like breaking up fights? I got a guy for you. But like, I just can't play. You could say, John, just literally think about playing matchmaker right now. Could you even like bring yourself to, it's such a preposterous concept.

It would be impossible. Preposterous. Because I don't like my friends. So I can't be like, I'm like, oh, I got a friend. You like him. I'm like, wait, what's he like? Ah, he kind of sucks. Yeah. I can't be like, I've got a friend, you like him. What's he like? He kind of sucks.

I've just known him since high school. And I'm not interested in finding new friends. Kind of a fucking loser, to be honest. Seriously. Anybody that I hang out with enough to know to set them up, you don't want to be set up with. You've got to be my friend. Why? What's so great?

I actually, this one I'm going to call bullshit on. Did you say tall? Yeah. Perfect. I know. Exactly. I think this is a fake one. I'm going to call this.

I think it's a well-written one because I just can't imagine this is a thing. Am I the asshole for not grabbing something off a tall shelf for a short girl at the grocery store because I don't work there? I was doing my grocery shopping at Walmart. and if you've ever been there, LOL, you know the shelves are pretty high up. Ha ha ha, classic. Yeah. Lol.

Fucking fuck you already. I'm already furious with this guy. Fuck you, dude. If you fuck. Fuck you. What was that lol for? What was it in there for, Kevin? Why lol? Have you ever been to Walmart?

Lol. Shut up and tell your story. You tall motherfucker. Shall I? Proceed. The short girl, this short girl got my attention and asked if I could grab her something off the tall shelf. Honestly, I think if she just stood on her tippy toes or jumped a few times and knocked it down with a stick or something she could have got it done herself i just said no thanks she looked surprised and said okay and looked at the uh looked at the

thing and then looked around some other guy in the aisle was looking at me with this what the fuck look on his face and came over and got it for her she thanked him and then walked like three feet to grab something else the guy was like dude don't be a jerk she obviously couldn't reach it i said not my problem i don't work here said, it costs nothing to be nice. Now, this is where I think it's fake. I said, quote, it costs $20 to get a stepladder. Maybe she should invest in that instead of bothering people who don't work here. Nobody said that.

What does that even mean? She looked at me and said, wow, okay. First of all, a stepladder in Walmart walmart lol is free if you don't buy it just go get it and put it back in the fucking aisle you fucking and then the guy was like holy shit you're an asshole i just left because whatever i'm tired of being expected to do shit just because i'm tall am i the asshole for not going out of my way to grab uh am i the asshole for not going out of my way to for some girl at the grocery store when i don't work at the store uh Pretty easy, yeah.

I could have nailed that one as soon as you put lol in parentheses after fucking Walmart. I think we knew where John was going. But the he didn't ask for two reasons. Do you think it was real? Do you think somebody said, was thinking all these things?

I actually When he said she could have jumped or grabbed a stick and i mean these just sound like no reasonable person would be like but i mean i think it's clear this person's unreasonable i i i'm not like i'm not this is didn't immediately throw up a fake flag a false flag for me but um false flag it is like it's it's there are people who are this big of an asshole yeah how about this? I was at a stop and shop the other day.

One of those ones where there's robots running around. You seen those things? I've seen videos of them, but never in person. Crazy. But anyway, there was a woman. She was wearing a black polo button shirt, short sleeves. She had a fucking cardboard box of fritos like chips and she was grabbing them out of the box and putting them on the shelves and i i don't remember what i was looking for i was like

you know where's the this and she was like i don't work here like looking at me like i'm the asshole for asking her where the fucking butcher was whatever and I was like like what and she was just like she worked for like that she was like I worked for like Fritos or something like that I was like okay fine but fuck you fuck you fuck you lady at the stop and shop it works for Fritos stock in the shelves it doesn't work there fuck you like that she said it to me like i was ridiculous for talking like she clearly had some sort of uniform on she had like she had like the trend she had like a black polo tucked into khakis holding a box of things stocking shelves and was like i don't work here what are you asking me questions for yeah i mean fuck you fuck fuck

fuck you like that is so ridiculous. Why is she stocking the shelves? That's what I mean. I guess, I don't know, you work for a distributor who's getting the brands into the stores or something. You're not a stock and shop employee. I don't know, she comes in with the chips, so she doesn't know where the toiletries are or something.

But it's like, was it that far-fetched of a question? You dumb bitch. You dumb fucking bitch we gotta talk about something else real quick buying meats at walmart no walmart it's a stop and shop oh i think you said walmart okay i mean if i did say if i did say walmart that was a slip up and and you are certainly right to call me out if that was the case but i it was not walmart you're looking for the butcher at walmart i was likev, you need to borrow a couple bucks. Yo, Walmart's wild.

Even if you said, like, the butcher, like, where's the meat section? You don't have a butcher at Walmart. Will you guys keep the frozen kielbasa? but also like as a tall guy i get back to the original i'm the asshole um the uh you gotta save someone in that situation who has to jump because i have to jump and it is the most emasculating thing at my in the deli downstairs from my apartment, they put, uh, like good chips. I like, I like hot blue chips, spicy blue chip.

And they put them on a shelf. That's like just too high, higher than this. And so I have to like hop. I do like a little, like I try and like make it like, I'm like, it's no one looking like,

and I have, if it takes like two, I got to tap it off. I knock it. I get like, but then I go, sometimes I can get it in one swoop, but tap it off. You gotta knock it and catch it. But then I go, sometimes I can get it in one swoop, but also you gotta be accurate with it, because there's a bunch of chips up there.

It's a whole fucking row of chips, and if I get too aggressive with my grab, we'll get a bunch coming down. I'm making a scene, and I gotta move. Now let me ask you this. Let's say fucking Manu Bull here was in that store. Yeah, by the way, this guy's 6'4". Yeah, he's not.

I'm tired of people asking me to do things when I'm tall. You're not that fucking tall, bro. If I put on Timberlands, we're on the same height, bro. Relax. But let's say this guy, there was a tall guy there. Would you ask a tall guy at a store to get you something off the top shelf? Oh, heavens no. Yeah.

Heavens no. And why not john wait hang on sorry if there was a tall guy at the store with you would you ask him to help you get something off a shelf no well why not because i mean realistically speaking i'm a tall guy so i should be able to do it yeah oh you're talking about in the deli yeah yeah oh no i just handle it yeah like you. You would still be hopping like a goddamn idiot when there's a guy who could just grab it for you,

but you're not going to ask him. No, I haven't. And neither would I. But that's just ridiculous. Because we're just like some emasculated bullshit. Excuse me, Dad, can you grab that for me? That's what I'm saying. I'd rather hop there like a goddamn bunny than be like, hey, bud, can you help me? But a little damsel in distress, I'll get it for you. Yeah. But

ultimately, it's pretty silly that we wouldn't ask for help. No, I don't think so. I think it's preposterous. Again, it's just a little co-op. First of all, you know my rule. I'm not leaving the ground that you're on. So I would ask that seven-foot-tall man for help because I have a rule I don't leave the earth anymore.

But it's kind of funny that we still... Hey bro, you want to grab that for me real quick? It's... My arms are sore from doing push-ups all day. I can't reach it. Like what's the difference between that and if I was like, yo, can you

pass me that thing that's behind you just because we're in the way? Okay, now you're selling me. Now you're selling me. You shouldn't, but you do. It's like, that would be totally emasculating to be like, hello, taller man. Can you grab something higher off the ground than I can? I would never do it.

We're fucking assholes. If I was this guy who was so just fucking incredibly sick of being asked to do things and reach for things, I would just say, sure sure get on my shoulders I will offer you help but you have to climb up me like a tree yeah

imagine you get on your hands and knees and they stand on you like a table okay go ahead climb on up everyone knows you in the Sheboygan Walmart. That's the tall guy. We get on his shoulders. What if you did this? What if somebody said, like, can I have help?

And you went, sure. To the cheerleader lift. Arms up. All right, last one here. I don't know the full one here. I hope this is going where i think it's going and then i think it's gonna be very funny i hope i hope this is a creed thought situation am i the asshole for making a fake stock portfolio for my wife my wife has always been terrible with her finances

from the moment i met her before we were married she was swimming in debt and only made the minimum payment every time let's not judge uh and while at the same time being except uh buying excessive products that she couldn't afford she's wonderful in so many other ways but as far as finances go every time let's not judge uh and while at the same time being except uh buying excessive products that she couldn't afford she's wonderful in so many other ways but as far as finances go she's a lost cause while we were dating i tried to teach her some financial literacy didn't really stick and once we were married i took over our combined finances of course i still keep her informed about everything that we do but tends to let me do most of it shortly after the market started picking up and following the covid recession i started picking up numerous stocks that were cheap. And I told her about it when she then asked me if she could have half of our total investment funds to invest on our own.

I asked her why she wanted to prove. I asked her why. And she wanted to prove to her friends that she could be responsible with money since apparently they were teasing her about it the last time they met. I told her that it wasn't a good idea and I could certainly help her out by setting up an account with a small amount or one of the numerous simulations out there so she could learn under my guidance instead of jumping in with her money. She refused. She had a big argument. She was adamant. She wanted a real account. She wasn't even bothered to research real brokers and thought it was the real deal. Oh, okay, wait. She was still adamant about it and I was getting annoyed. So I set up a simulation and told her it was a real account.

She hadn't even bothered to research real brokers. So she thought it was the real deal and started investing. Fast forward to now, her account has done terribly. And over the last few months, she has lost a large portion of the money in the account, which she thinks is real. She put the money into random penny stocks and other garbage after reading half-baked articles, hoping that they were the next Apple. Of course, many of them did terribly to winning her account.

She even invested in GameStop, but after, uh, but only after it showed up in the news. And when it fell, she panicked and sold her shares. She came back to me the other day sobbing and said sorry, upon which I asked her if she now realized why I didn't want her to just jump in without any knowledge. I then told her that she didn't have to worry because it was a simulation and she got angry at me for lying instead of being happy that our retirement fund wasn't flushed down the drain.

I failed to see how I'm in the wrong. I multiple times to help you know blah blah blah so you get it so yes this this dude just set up like creed thoughts and said go ahead honey you're now gordon gecko go ahead and trade she completely bombs the way he thought it was gonna he hits her with an i told you so and she's now mad at him for lying and this is why hoes are so goddamn annoying but like but you're the asshole but like he's an asshole it's an asshole move but like he's He's now mad at him for lying, and this is why hoes are so goddamn annoying. You're the asshole. He's an asshole. It's an asshole move.

But he's also right. You can be both. I mean, I don't even think it's that big of an asshole move. This is absolutely protecting someone from a wildly disastrous, horrible life situation where you could flush half your money down the toilet. That's true. Because if she'd even put in a modicum of research, she would have realized it's not a real brokerage account. Yeah. Like, if you just Googled, like, what am I trading on? And it's like, oh, it's not.

Right. So she clearly didn't take it seriously enough to even do that. It's fucking, you know, DonnaThisIsn'tReal.com. Right. Then, like, yeah, it's probably. Like, you proved him right. But also, like, he's dumb for admitting it's a fake. Well, I was thinking that.

You're right. But also, if someone comes to you and is like, dude, like, I fucked up so bad. I lost half our savings. And they're freaking out. I think you have to be like, dude, relax. Like, no, you don't. I'd say, babe, I got a hot tip.

I'm going to make it all back to you. Yeah, right. That's where you got to, like, so one way or the other, you have to put that person's mind at ease so that they don't want to kill themselves. But you got to do it in a way that you get credit for it. Yeah, exactly. Look, I was talking to Steve and Steve's got a guy over at Amazon says Bezos is doing a bunch of things. Right. I'm going to put it all in there.

Right. And actually, because you can't do Amazon. Amazon is big. You don't even give the credit to Steve. You just go, I've been doing my research, and I found out this company. I'm going to execute this trade and take advantage of a little arbitrage.

And next thing you know, she's sucking your dick because you're fucking, you know, a wall street. I think if by Friday, I think we'll be all set. I'm up, you know, 20,000%, baby. Don't worry about it. But I mean, God. And then when she's like, why don't we do this forever? You're like, why don't you hush up? This was a one time thing.

I would start making up terms. Well, this is what they call in the market a pelican. And a pelican is a one time thing that happens. And, you know, never again. But I mean, you know, this is this is this is where like relationship things are so stupid where it's like if this was a friend, you'd just be like, relationship things are so stupid, where it's like, if this was a friend, you'd just be like, you fucking moron, you know what I mean? But gotta walk on eggshells with your boyfriend or girlfriend

to make sure they're, it's like, yeah, you were dumb, I knew you were gonna be dumb, I protected you from being dumb, and now I'm in trouble? Get the fuck out of here. Penny Socks, I didn't know Penny Socks was still a thing after Wolf of Wall Street. Listen. Wolf of Wall Street, by the way, is still a movie.

I don't see what he did wrong. I never. You call someone up and you go, hey, fucking this stock right here is doing good. How about five grand? And they give it to you? In the 80s, whatever, the 70s. And they go, beautiful. Here's five grand.

It's called being a good salesman. You're such a good salesman, you don't have to sell anything. It's just a quick phone call. I'm with you. Exploiting dumb people for being dumb is just called savvy. Yeah, it's like why I buy fucking couple hundred dollar sweatshirts. They're not fucking, well, they are fucking me over. But it's like I'm doing it.

I'm willing to do it. Yeah, I'm a moron to do it. Oh, you buy expensive clothes? You're a thug? They tricked me. They tricked me. Give me my money back. You're just an asshole. I thought it was going to be fucking sweatshirt that blew me.

I lost a thread. One got away from me. That one got away from me. Alright, voicemails. It always goes back to blowjob. Last thing you grab off to is a dick. He's fallen from a joke. All right.

Voicemails today are brought to you by Bloomscape. It's been a long winter. Everyone's been stuck indoors. You're staring at the wall. You haven't seen much vegetation, much flora or fauna. Remember that? Flora and fauna? I mean, I remember the words.

I don't remember what I mean. I don't remember either. Flora and fauna. Remember that? Flora and fauna? I mean, I remember the words. I don't remember what they mean. I don't remember either. Flora and fauna. Isn't it like one in the water or something like that? Flora and fauna. Anybody? Chlorophyll? Fauna fish.

Fauna fish? No. Oh, I don't know. You said it convincingly. I just started saying words. Flora, flowers, fauna, fish. Still not into a microphone, but convincingly. It's crazy.

Fauna is animals. Okay, so not that part. Fish are animals, so I'm not completely wrong on that. What's flora? Flora is vegetation. Which are flowers, so I wasn't wrong. This girl knows how to argue. I don't know.

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And I get exclusively like, you don't even this thing can survive in a dark closet yeah but my favorite one that i have i just got is the dracania dorado that sounds like something straight out of game of thrones it is it's a cool look i'm gonna pull it up right now dracania this guy over here he's like uh like Johnny Nature. This is crazy. He's dropping the etymology of plants on me and shit. It makes me happy. It's nice to have him around. Look at this guy. I'm looking at him right now.

These are sexy. They got some Rainforest vibes. Hell yeah. That's exotic. You walk into my house and you see that? You go fuck me. When you walk down 28th Street? Honestly, that is true. Girls walk into my house and you see that, you go fuck me. That's like when you walk down 28th Street. Honestly, that is true. It's like books and vegetation. Girls walk into an apartment and they see a plant, they're very happy.

A plant and a book? Yeah. You could walk in. A bong and a blitz? A plant and a book? There could be like. Gold member. I knew I was going to keep going.

I knew he was going to just let that go. I knew he was going was gonna keep going I knew he was gonna just like let that go I knew I knew he was gonna keep on going pancake in a pipe you could have a fucking a straight chair and a shitty couch but you have a plant in the corner and just a book on the ground yeah you have a dictionary on the floor and a dracania corrodia whatever dracania dorado dorado you are good to go man because the plant gives you – there's two elements. There's one of like this takes some upkeep. This takes a commitment.

Which is tricky. It doesn't. No. If you get the one that like – I water it once a month. Yeah, and you're good to go. And then the other thing is it takes some thought like, oh, yeah, this looks nice. It ties the room together sort of thing. Rudy's got Felicity.

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Get 15% off a plant order of $100 or more. Let's do some voicemails. Hey, guys. First time, long time. I was listening to the episode where Nick mentioned that one of his buddies in college, uh, let the homeless guy sleep over. It made me think of this one time when I was in college,

we have this, we had this homeless man called George, the can man picked up all of our cans. And we had a beer Olympics or a party or something. So it was a mess the next day. And the next morning, so hungover, I don't realize i let i let george the camman into the house to clean up the cans so my question is what's the dumbest or laziest thing you've done because you're hungover first of all with this fucking voice i don't ever want you to call on her show again

i gotta be honest i think this is this voice smells a little bit rude she just let him into the house like what's the i thought this is the most fuck them what's the i literally thought she was gonna fuck the homeless man she's like what's the most deplorable, disgusting thing you've ever done? One time I let a person who's less fortunate than me clean my house. Have you ever done something so despicable like that before? I mean, Jesus Christ, lady. I thought she was going to say I just came in and cleaned. Right. And he yeah, he collected the cans like so like she did a nice thing.

He cleans up. He gets the cash in the cans. And she feels the need to call one of the worst radio shows in the world to be like, when we talk about the most dark, deep, disgusting things, thinking that she's on par with that. I mean, goodness gracious. I truly thought she was going to say, like, and then I woke up next to George the Can Man, and he was naked, and there was a condom on the floor. No, you just let a man clean your apartment.

For free. So I have a slave who I make do things. Can you imagine? What's the most deplorable thing you did besides take the advantage of the less fortunate and the homeless? And have them. So we have this mascot. We gave him a name. We make fun of him.

We yell George the Can-Man in his face. One time I tried to help him. Could you imagine the horror? Could you imagine the horror when I woke up to a clean house? You bitch. God. I thought for sure. I was like, oh, boy boy she could fuck a homeless guy

yeah you know what I was getting visions of Sweet D fucking the the chef at the the chef at the North Korean place I mean like yo that is that scene by the way

when Sweet D fucks the North Korean guy when she wakes up she goes am I in America there's flies am I in America like she could have got so blacked out flies and she's like, am I in America? Like she could have got so blacked out she ended up in Asia. Am I in America?

The way she says it is so fucking funny. So good. Like it's entirely possible. Almost like it has happened again. Am I in America? Okay, so let's obviously that's like I would encourage you to do this again and often. Every time.

All the time. There's literally no losers in this situation. Yeah, not only is it convenient for you, but it's like a really nice thing that George the Can Man probably like really likes. I was going to say, I actually know people who do this in college. Yeah. All the time. I know people who do this in college. Me.

I try to do this all the time. We talked about this before. Everyone does it. You have the scam where you're going to like, we're going to fund our beer and drink for free. And then you realize that you need thousands of cans to make enough. Then you collect a party of 60 people, all their cans, and you afford a 12 pack. And you're like, all right, we're done with this.

Do you understand that we're going to have to order a new goddamn table if you keep this up? Why? Look at this giant fucking. You can't even see what I'm doing. Look at the line on my side. You're like digging through our wooden table. Oh, that's all right.

We didn't pay for it. Right now with the pen, it's not so bad. But there was a time you just had a piece of metal and you were like... You're like crowbar. I'm just coloring inside. Now it's not so bad. I'm not stretching it out.

Yeah, but here's the problem. There's an inside. What? I can't color inside over here? No, barely. are you just i'm just coloring inside i'm not now it's not so bad i'm not stretching it out yeah but here's the problem there's an inside what i can't color inside over here no barely look at this this is like a little crack this is what i'm doing coloring it up child child what's uh but i guess there is there is a good question in in there of i think the angle is when you're super hung over and you're so lazy you know like what's the, I mean, I've ordered food that's like literally across the street from my apartment. Oh, regularly. I used to. Yeah.

Like I was underneath a pizza place called Pastafino over right by Factory 360 and I've had them bring it upstairs to me. Some truly despicable, like you are a piece of shit type stuff. Then back when I lived in Southie in that dilapidated building, a truly condemned building. I actually, I hope someone's out there. Condemned building is such a great term. What's across the street from the Broadway stop now? Because it used to be a fucking building that was falling apart.

It was a house that was falling apart and I lived in it. But I actually forget the name of the Chinese food restaurant right there. Yeah, fidget with that motherfucker. Golden Temple, is it? I think it's something like that but i it was literally my my my house my standalone home in south boston falling apart filled with rats didn't i didn't have a shower i had to fucking to get a gym membership so i could take showers um the um that the right next to it was a chinese restaurant and like they would just walk it out the back to my door.

They didn't go out the front. It was just like the chef would bring it out. But that's like it was literally delivered by a guy in an apron. Not a delivery man. This reminds me there was in my old There we go. In my house there was this guy

in like South Central where I go to school at USC. Nope. You're moving away from it. Sorry, sorry. And he would just show up, like it was this homeless man. We don't know how he got in. We kept trying to like lock the doors, but he kept coming in and then he would try to convince us that we

should like let him live there for free. And we were like that's not, he was like no, I'll just live there but like I won't pay rent. And we were like that's not. He was like, no, I'll just live there. But like, I won't pay rent. And we were like. That's the problem. No, no, no. Like, that's not an option.

And he was like, no, it's five papers. And we were like. We don't care. How many times did he do this? Three times. And we were like, how are you getting in, first of all? And then another woman would like come in the back. And.

This isn't like an apartment or like a sorority house or what? No, this was like a house. Yeah, okay. But he just kept, and we were like, I don't understand what's going on here. Anyway. Highly dangerous. Being a woman must be fucking horrifying. Yeah.

Like an absolute nightmare. Like that would just not be an option due to a house of guys. Every single day of my life. Thankfully he was nice about it, at least asked. Rather than just be like, I'm doing this with me. What would you have done if he was just like, no, I live guys. Every single day. Thankfully, he was nice about it, at least asked, rather than just be like, I'm doing this with me. What would you have done if he was just like,

no, I live here? Yeah. Nothing. You'd have called the police, I guess, but you yourself would have done nothing. To be fair, I probably wouldn't either.

I'd probably call the police. This person's crazy. He's got a gun, too. I wish, I think DevNest lost it. The homeless people who used to live in the vestibule

in my apartment. Yeah, I remember that. Oh, it. The homeless people who used to live in the vestibule in my apartment. Yeah, I remember that. Oh, that was classic. That was, they were homeless. Like there are homeless people and then there are homeless people. And it's one of those things where you really, when you live here, you learn the levels of homelessness. And that's where you become hardened and you stop caring. Like I feel like when you

first come to the city you give a dollar to like every homeless person and eventually you realize that you're talking about some true destitute grimy motherfuckers who don't deserve your charity who really don't um but these people used to live in my like little you, you open up the front door to get in, to get into another door, to go up the stairs. And they were, I mean, this is, it's all gone because of DevNest. But they had this look on their face, almost like, remember the bitter beer face, man? Like mouth is upside down. And they were naked and fucking and pissing and stuff. I had to like step over them to get in my apartment.

And it was just like, they, you know, prima nocta. Like, this is their spot. Yeah. I'm the captain now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don to step over them to get to my apartment. And it was just like, prima nocte. This is their spot. Yeah, I'm the captain now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to touch these people. I don't want to fight these people. What do I fucking do? Yeah, you don't want to fight someone like that. No, they have nothing. First of all, they're all messed up. They're not going to feel anything. You don't even want them touching you,

let alone trying to hurt you. I can go up and say, I'm going to get drunk first. That makes a fair fight. We can get blackout. Give me an hour. I'm gonna go chug some tequila. Come down shirtless and fucking ruin your day, bud.

Oh, man. All right, one more voicemail and we'll do our interviews. Okay, C-Fight. Shout out BC, Nick, Jackie, everybody else. All right, so I was just thinking about some VATI shit that you guys talked about, and obviously the one

being, you know, if you want to hack, blah, blah, blah, we all know the fucking question. So, what would you say is something that each of you have done to get into hack? Not necessarily hell, I think it's pretty obvious that we are all going there together.

But what is something that you've done to get into heck? That's a great question. It's a classic ATI question. If you were in control of heck, which is like a lesser form of hell, what would be the punishment that you would endure in heck? But what gets you into heck is an interesting twist on it. Yeah. Well, it's tough because everything I've done gets me into hell.

Oh, okay. I was going to say, I think heck. Again, if we're going by the good book. Right. Going by the good book, the rules in the good book. We're in some serious trouble. I'm hellbound, baby. No doubt.

No doubt. So heck, it's honestly honestly i think i've done so much catholic schooling in my life that it's hard for me how many commandments have you broken let's do that okay let's i'm gonna guess six commandments okay the 10 commandments are we'll go through them one by one and we can can, you know, yes or no. I mean, I certainly have done a couple. Okay. Number one, I am the Lord. Thou shalt not have any other gods.

I don't have any gods. Nope. I guess. But the rule is you shouldn't have any other gods than me. I don't have any gods. So I didn't break that one. Okay. I broke it.

Tom Brady, what's up? Okay. I don't have any gods in my life. Number two, thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain. For sure. I'm one. You keep track of your own. I'm two for two. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath holy day.

For sure not. Three for three. Although I did have a Shabbat dinner the other night. You did? Yeah. It was pretty fun. You just got drunk. With who? A bunch of Jewish people.

What Jews do you know? It was my cousin's friends. They were all Jewish. Some of them had kosher plates and stuff, but it was a blast. It was all on, man. We had a hell of a time. We were saying the sacraments beforehand and all that shit. Real good time.

Were you doing it in Hebrew? Yeah. Well, they were. I wasn't. Yeah. But, oh. Okay. So, wait.

Am I three for three or four for four? I am two for three. You are three for three. Three for three. I think we skipped number two. No. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain. That for three. You are three for three. I think we skipped number two. No, thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain. That's three. Not according to my list.

I got a different one over here. As long as there are ten there, I don't think it matters. Two is normally thou shalt not take false idols. Yeah, that's like no other gods besides me. That's what I was... Those are separated into two. I don't... Let's just pull up yours, then, so we can just...

I think they all would have been fine. Okay. So, who's list are we going with? We'll just go with this. Okay. So, I'm the only one that got... They should have... One for one.

That does not make... That's not... I don't know if that's the right... Graven images? I don't know one that should have any goals before me. One for one. That's not make... That's not. I don't know if that's the right... Graven images? I don't know what that means. That's false idols. The Tom Brady t-shirt. Two for two.

Three for three. Don't say the Lord's name in vain. Three for three. Number four. Remember the Sabbath day? Definitely don't do that. Four for four. Number five.

Honor the... I think I honor my father and mother like like on the whole you do you know yeah not in the sense that they think but not in the sense that they'll not in the spirit of the law but i do like like there are definitely times where i've been like you know fuck you and my parents or whatever but like overall i'm very like thankful for that respectful except for the fart the part last episode where i said they ruined my life but uh said they ruined my life. My parents ruined my life too, but I still honor them.

By the way, how are we not getting to the kill yet? That was a little for them. They all shot and not killed. We haven't killed anybody. I'm four for six. I'm four for six. No. The only two I don't have.

Okay, so I'm three for six then because I don't have any other gods. Commit adultery, four for seven. Steal. Is adultery the only one you're married, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, yes. I've only ever kissed a girl as far as cheating goes.

So I guess I'm good on that one. Yeah, you're clear on that one. I think you have to be married for that one. So four for seven for me. Steal, I've definitely stolen. Not a lot, but I've taken stuff. Five for eight. Bear false witness to thy neighbor. That means covet the neighbor's...

No. Yeah, that means covet the neighbor's wife. No, what does bear false witness mean? This is a... You pulled up a fucking tough word. Can we get the fucking English version? The colloquial version, please. Bear false... Shut theial version, please. Bear Falls. Shut the fuck up, Jackie.

Chill out over there. Shut your fucking dumb mouth. Because there shouldn't cover the neighbor's wife. There shouldn't cover the neighbor. I think those are the two things. I think it's the two as well. I mean, I have coveted the fuck out of neighbor's wives. And they're good

I think I'm like 8 for 10 I think we're both 5 for 8 so I think we're 7 for 10 I mean that's 70% of like these are the things that will send you to hell the only thing I've had is not the balls to murder a person

I haven't had the balls to murder a person I haven't had the option to murder a person. I haven't had the option to commit adultery. And you... Was it what I didn't do? I still really don't get the bare false witness thing. What does that mean? But coveting your neighbor's wife and goods is like, you're going to put that on your mortal sin list?

Yeah. That's fucking crazy. I'll be honest. That's not the stuff I consciously do. I go, want to fuck that, want that. I don't even think about it. I knew the Ten Commandments, but I haven't really ever thought about them until right now. I think I stole your water.

You goddamn bastard. But this one, I haven't drank yet. The Ten Commandments suck. That's a shitty list. That is a shitty list for the ten. Let's boil down our whole religion into just ten things you shouldn't do. Like six of those really suck. The only ones that I think really matter are kill, cheat, steal.

I would say the other seven are all garbage. I don't even know if cheat gets you in there. I mean, you shouldn't cheat. You shouldn't cheat. Is it going to put you in eternal hell? Apparently. Hey, John, we'll find out. I'll let you know

in about 30 or 40 years. You're going to put that on the same level as murder. We've got to have tears. I agree. Which is why I thought they had the mortal sin and the venial sin, but these are all the mortals. So there's no tiers within this. It's kind of crazy.

That's a little much. You could say, well, I probably shouldn't do it. Fair. Agreed. Eternal damnation for it? And the other one is even like, yo, I love God. I really do. But I like this Buddha over here, too. Eternal damnation.

Hell. Dude, my mom's in trouble. That's a bad spot. We got fucking, we got false idols all over the place. Or like, you know, man, I really like, man, Jimmy's wife is really pretty. And you see that new car he bought? Hell. Hell, yeah.

Crazy. So anyway, back to heck. Fuck you. I think, heck, I can't specify a single thing i do i think my general everyday behavior sends me to heck my general everyday behavior says yeah hell yeah that's what i mean like it's hard to be like it's hard to separate like to forget about those rules okay what would the tier be that would get you into heck then just like i guess you could throw cheating into heck right i guess you could for the neighbors shit fuck off that's that's that's not even anything that's that's just instinctual

yeah that's cool want to fuck it right that's it i i i don't put conscious effort into that therefore i will not be held responsible because guess who made this goddamn fucking brain you you goddamn son of a bitch yeah uh took the lord dave in vain you know it's kind of bullshit too it's kind of uh this is entrapment. The cheating one is entrapment. Because they also set the rules about till death do us part. And then you also pinched me for breaking that rule. If you didn't make that first rule, the second rule wouldn't be a thing.

You know what I mean? You kind of lobbed it up. You set me up for failure on that one, God. If you didn't make a rule about one woman for the rest of your life. Until things didn't get so great. Right. I'd be fucking beautiful. Exactly.

If you were to have a little wiggle room with this matrimony thing, like, hey, you shouldn't, but when things get fucking awful, then we can kind of understand, then I'd be in the clear. But you made these very strict rules. It's just not. Real goddamn stickler, huh? There it is with the Lord and baby. We're really, really nicked.

I say goddamn. Once you read that taking the Lord's name in vain will send you to hell, you really start to realize how often you say goddamn. Goddamn. Do me a favor. On the next episode of Marcell Confessions, do the Ten Commandments with Chaps. Okay. And get it from his dumb preacher point of view.

Okay. And maybe he can school us on why those are so important. Because I think Moses, right? He was the Ten Commandments. Yeah. He's shooting about 20% with things that matter. I mean, I guess if he's just a messenger, he didn't write them. But maybe he did.

Maybe Moses wrote the Ten Commandments. They came out of the burning bush, didn't they them. But maybe he did. Maybe Moses wrote the 10 commandments. They came out of the burning bush, didn't they? No, he came down with the tablets. He spoke to them in the burning bush. The burning bush told him. But I'm saying that he just could have wrote those tablets and wrote what he wanted. I see. So maybe he.

Trust me, God told me this. He was a bush. Okay, how about this? So Moses. Bush is back. Moses had a fucking hot wife and a cool donkey or some shit. Oh, he had a cool ark? No, that's Noah. Sure is.

Common misconception. And he had a neighbor who was probably like a pretty good looking guy or something. I was like, I gotta stop fucking Isaac from fucking my wife. I'm gonna come down from the mountain and be like, anybody who tries to fuck somebody's wife is going to hell. I'm looking at you, Isaac.

I'm going to try to fuck Mrs. Moses, okay? Stay away. Oh, man, that's great stuff. All right, interview time. Nate Bargatze is on the show. It's brought to you by black rifle coffee black rifle coffee is a veteran-owned business serving premium coffee coffee to people who love america i love america do you love america we all love america uh we got america oh my goddamn heart

dude the veteran as much as god loves me i'm not not a false god level but as a country pretty good the veteran ceo and founder evan uh evanfer, spent over seven years on the ground with the U.S. Special Forces and as a CIA contractor. So he's a fucking bad motherfucker. He modified gun trucks during the invasion of Iraq to grind coffee anywhere. This dude was such a coffee nut. He's overseas in Iraq fighting war, and he's like, I gotta find a way to get a cup of coffee. That is the real...

You want a good cup of coffee? This motherfucker found a good cup of coffee in the middle of war. I don't want to be mean, Evan, but I think you like coffee a little too much. I think your priorities are out of whack. If I'm in the middle of the fucking war in Iraq and I'm like, I really need a cup of Joe. Like, imagine he's sitting there.

He's, like, got a welder's mask on. He's fixing the guns. Like, what are you doing? Is this for the enemy? He's like, no, I just need a cup of coffee. And that's outrageous. I'm a little tired in the middle of this firefight. I got to get my adrenaline going.

Oh, man, that's funny. So, I mean, listen, what more proof do you need that Black Rifle Coffee is committed to bringing you the best cup of coffee in the world, man? They import high-quality coffee beans from all over the world. They roast them five days a week at their facilities in Tennessee and Salt Lake City. So they have the best beans, best grounds, and they are continually evolving and researching and experimenting with new roasts and new methods that the best cup of coffee in the world can come your way. So join the club. Get down with Black Rifle Coffee. You can pick the exact roast you want, how much you want, and when you want it delivered to your door.

So the coffee just shows up like everything else in the world. I mean, I can't tell you how many times growing up that my mom would be like, oh, fuck, Tim, we're out of coffee. Like, you have to go out in the middle of the night. We're out of fucking filters. Yes, all that shit. You get it delivered right to your door now. I think they also have, like, the canned ones. Don't hold me to that, but I'm pretty sure they do. They do. I have them in my fridge. Okay, yeah. Those are heavy duty.

Yeah, and that's the thing. I mean, listen, if it's, like, enough to keep you awake during the Iraqi firefights 24 hours a day, then I think it'll get you through your workday as well. So go to BlackRifleCoffee.com slash KFC. Use code KFC and get the freshest coffee in America shipped right to you along with their new products, their exclusive early access to all that stuff. Get free shipping and discounts when you join the club at black rifle, coffee.com slash KFC.

There is what's up, bro. Nope. I love the awkward zoom. I love it. Close. And you're looking, you're shaking your head.

I love it. It's only been a year of this, Nate. This has got to be a bit, right? Alright. There he is. Well done. Smooth, Nate. Smooth.

I need to come on a day early when I do it with y'all. I mean, I was joking. I don't think you can hear us. It's only been a year of this, dude. We still haven't figured it out? I've been crushing it all day with it and then for some reason, maybe it's you guys.

Oh, victim blaming. Real nice. I don't even disagree with you. I'm like, yeah, no, it was Bob. I'm sure. If there's some technology problems with Barstool Sports, it's usually Barstool Sports, no doubt about it. Where are you at right now?

You on the road? I'm in Austin. Austin. Yeah, I fly back, though, in like a couple hours. So are you just back at it? I feel like you picked up pretty early. Yeah, I did Rogan. Oh, okay. Have you been on there before? Yeah. hours so you are you just back at it i feel like you you picked up yeah i did rogan oh okay have you been on there before yeah yeah no first time and then uh we uh i mean i can tell you about it

when we go on but i went to the chappelle show and the rogan show last night too very cool how was that i know they had to press pause a little bit after dave caught it but they were i feel like they were hell-bent on bringing back the true like comedy show experience they tested everyone so everyone could be together and all that shit did they uh did it feel like is that cool to be back in like that like a true stand-up comedy vibe yeah yeah it was awesome so like they did the stubs barbecue and it's this outside venue uh and i mean every the whole audience has to get tested before they go in and uh they do it right you know they do it up right and uh getting to watch them too i mean those are they're huge dudes man chapelle and rogan are i mean probably two top

guys yeah yeah and so i mean getting to see that they get to do it was, I mean, I didn't do the show. I just watched and it was, it was, it was pretty awesome. And I mean, you know, they both do like an hour. I mean, it's crazy. It's crazy. Like when I saw them doing that, I, I was hoping they were going to like tour. I think originally they were doing it like Salt Lake city or something. And then Corona hit and they just, they're just staying in stubs. But to me, that's like a bucket list type of type of experience if you can go see that live yeah i mean donald

rollins is on the show ron white was on the show so it's it's it's pretty wild and i mean it's yeah it's a pretty crazy show to go see and uh and it's yeah it's it's it's definitely that it's a bucket list type show and they were doing arenasas. Yeah, they were. I mean, those are the two top selling comics working right now in the world. It is bizarre listening to you. You sound like me talking about it.

You're like, what, the third? You're not far behind. Yeah. And I'm way behind. When they're selling, I'm way behind. I mean, bro, everyone's's way behind unless you're like Bill Chris Kevin Hart or those guys like they are it's just

when you get to that arena level dude I can't even fathom that you're having a conversation with an arena full of people it's nuts and we lost them yeah I'm in a hotel so this is so perfect for the greatest average american

like he's just like one of us sitting stuck in a hotel room with shitty wi-fi bro do you what kind of hotel you stay in at because my my biggest pet peeve in hotels is how the nice hotels make you buy the wi-fi but a holiday it'll fucking give it to you with your room key dude i used to say it i'm in a marriott and uh but you have to buy it here and i used to i used to think that all the time i would say it i was like why like it is it was like the nicer the hotel, the more expensive the Internet was. And then, yeah, you go stay just off the side of the interstate. They can't give it away more. They're like, no, no, don't even. Absolutely. You can use my hotspot.

You use it like the guy behind the desk, you know. Dude, we stayed at, I remember we went on vacation once with my parents and we lived in Boston, and we were staying in New York. I was younger. And Kevin, what's one of the really nice hotels in New York? The Waldorf or something. Waldorf, exactly. I knew it was a W. We stayed at the Waldorf.

And then my parents were like, we can't afford the Wi-Fi. We spent it all on this room. You do not get Wi-Fi on this trip. I was like, what the fuck are we doing here then? Let's go stay the holiday in so I can fucking stream tv shows on my computer that's you know what so i always think they so crazy like you were a kid like that wi-fi and v how old are you are y'all i'm 32 i was a teenager okay all right all right yeah it's yeah it's such a yeah it's i mean it's it's it's, it's, it's, it's a wild, I mean like, and that's all they want now. Like kids, you go take them. Our daughter, it's like, you know,

I mean everybody asks wifi, excuse me, what's your wifi? I end up, I'd rather use my cellular than ask someone what their wifi is. Like just that kind of dance where you got to go. Yeah, go ahead. You ready? And you're like, I'm ready. And you're going to sit there. Nine, six, three T lower. Oh, and if you don't get it, dude, and you got to go back and ask them again, you're like, Hey man, uh, it's just an awkward like conversation.

I don't even know how to bring this up, but I wasn't paying attention when you told me that first time I was in another, you know, I was guessing, I was guessing. I thought I could guess it. And I tried that first time i was in another you know i was guessing i was guessing i thought i could guess it and i tried that first so it's so true before we're like i always so i have my cell phone bill not set up to auto pay because we can expense it and if it's on auto pay i just forget about it but there are plenty of times where i'll go out and i'll just be like yeah you haven't paid your bill in three months so like your wi-fi your phone shut off and i'll be in a bar like trying to pay it and i'm like i have to ask this bar for their wi-fi and it'll take at least three three trips to the waitress i'm getting the check by the time i

finally get the wi-fi bill but i'm just trying to get on the at&t app so i can pay this fucking bill and start using my phone again it It's such a piece of shit. You're regressing as a human. You are now, you're an adult, you're making more money than ever, and you're getting your phone shut off. You're doing it backwards, John. Kevin can't send me a text

like that. Probably like, what, a month or two ago? You're like, yo, I tried calling you five times. Your phone's not working. The person you are trying to reach has been cut off. I'm like, what the fuck is John? What is going on? You all right, buddy? You going through some times right now?

Yeah, you need some money? I can help you out here. Jeez. Yeah. So what was the Rogan experience like? I mean, I feel like when people make it to that show, it's not that I feel like you're actually late. Like, I feel like Joe's late to getting on you. but i feel like usually for a comic you get on joe and then all these

doors open up i feel like pretty much all the doors are already open for you but is that still a big moment to make it to that podcast yeah yeah it was huge i mean you know i i'm friends with so many of his friends and then i've never really got to meet him. And I mean, dude, he's the greatest dude ever. I mean, it's worth so much money now, but just is a comic and like just wants to be a comic. And and I was getting told that Yana, I talked to like Yana's father, Norman, who's done the show just to be like, hey, what is it like? Is it you know, I don't know. Is it kind of you know, how is it? It's like Yana is it like is it you know i don't know him is it kind of you know how is it it's like yana said it good he's like look dude i think he just likes to do that podcast because it's like it's the only time he gets to like just like his phone gets to be off and he gets to like hang out

with a comic and talk comedy and uh so yeah i was gonna do that so yeah it was it was huge it was a huge thing to get to do i mean it's it's such a big show and he's it's i mean i was really he was just pretty you know i have a story with him which was good is because when I first started comedy, I was in Chicago and we went to the comedy store in L.A. I had a friend that was in a band called the Prom Kings. And they were so we just go to see him at the band and they were Rogan liked their band. And so I met Rogan when I was maybe a year into comedy because of them. And then I wanted to go up at the comedy store and do an open mic. But when you sign up for an open mic at the comedy store, you have to sign up the week before for the next week. And so Rogan was like, are you going to go do the open mic?

And I was like, well, we're leaving. So I can't. And I wasn't asking him for anything. And he's like, oh, I'll call and I'll get you up. And so he called. And so one of the first places I got to perform was at the comedy store. And they brought me up as Joe Rogan's best friend. And I was like, I don't really know the guy. And he was on this and he's on Fear Factor, you know. And so it was it was you know, I mean, that was a big thing. It was a big part.

You you said the first time you performed? Not the first time I performed, but the first, I mean, that was a year in the comedy. So it was really the first kind of club Chicago Zanies and the comedy store, the first two clubs I ever got to do a show at. And that was, it was just because you were friends of friends and he was like, I got you. Yeah. Yeah.

Just cool dude. And was like, and I talked to him, asked him a lot of questions about comedy and he would like, talk to you yeah just cool dude and was like and i talked to him asked him a lot of questions about comedy and he would like talk to you about it comedy and you know and i'm like a new comic like uh you know it's like if someone talked to you guys about like doing podcasts now and you'd be like or something and you'd be like i don't know man i've done it forever now you you don't really have all the answers for someone brand new because you're just too far kind of ahead and you can talk about it all day but they're not even going to really understand what you're saying and so it was like i was you know

i'm asking him like open my questions like what do you gotta do and like how do you gotta and he's like you gotta go up you gotta just you know it was very nice and didn't like blow me off like i mean we went to the show uh to the band show and it was he sat there and talked to me for a long time. It always really stuck with me. Yeah, it was cool. I think that's... At this time, you have the Bieber haircut and the Puka shell necklace?

I don't even think I'm to that yet. I don't think I'm even successful enough to get to... I don't think I could afford a Puka necklace at that point. We were working our way up to the southern swoop of just you know the southern swoop of that like uh i was that was that was like i was i would dream of those days you know justin bieber's right i'm born yet uh that's crazy that i think

that's what it is with rogan that that interaction you have with him, I think, translates into his show where you know he's mega wealthy and mega powerful at this point. But when you listen, it doesn't really come hundred million listeners. It just always kind of feels the same way when he talks about it. And that's I think it's funny that he seems to be the one who can maintain that. When I think every other comic podcaster, when they get a little bit of fame or a little bit of success, they radically change. And it's like the one dude who doesn't is probably the one guy who who had the right to because he did it so well. You know, everybody talked about it we talked about that yesterday i think on the podcast where it's like you always feel like when you do theaters and you and all those people there to see you and then you're like who are they here to see you always have this idea you're like who are they watching and you forget it's you right and it's like and so we were talking about that like that and kind

of uh you feel like an imposter and like i think you we he was even saying like i think you need to have that you don't need to be like yeah they're here to see me because i'm great you gotta have that like you're like i don't know if i can you know people are like got a babysitter they're buying like drinks at the bar and you know the same way you would go see the nutcracker they're like watching you and so then you're you know it's like you kind go see the nutcracker they're like watching you and so then you know it's like you kind of forget because it's just such a weird isn't it there like isn't it like i i feel that way with what we do it's very strange where it's like we just have a mic and we're in a studio with a couple of us and you trust that the audience hopefully is pretty big

out there but it you never you don't really get that feeling because it's not tangible when you when you go to a theater and you see a few thousand people i mean it's there's no denying it dude like they love you there there's thousands of people there you how do you just don't know if you're good enough though like you feel you know you it's it's like you're like are you gonna let everybody down are you gonna you know it it's, it's like, you're like, are you gonna let everybody down? Are you gonna, you know, it's like, you never get used to it. And, uh, but I mean, that's what makes you guys great too. Like y'all, you know, y'all still got the grind of what you were when you said Barstool sports and someone was like, I don't know what that is. And now y'all are like, people talk to y'all about y'all. You're on ESPN. Like, I mean,

they just talk about Barstool sports today that you say it to anybody and they know. And so like, but if y'all lose that, it's, no one's going to want to watch. So it's like, you've got to have that. You're still chasing and you're still trying to feel like you're having to earn this audience. And that's why people listen as many people that listen to you guys is because you guys give that off, you know? And that's a,

that's a very real feeling and authentic feeling because everybody is in this world, dude, of like, they get, you know, people get famous, like off you know and that's uh that's a very real feeling an authentic feeling because everybody is in this world dude of like they get you know people get famous like you know in hollywood hollywood's like they're just delusional like like they're they're not real people they don't have any regular people in their life we i always talk about that like you gotta have a regular person in your life you gotta have someone you know if you you know that it's if you're like uh i bought two teslas you need someone to be like what dude like that's like like i don't even they they can't wrap their head around it you can't just have people you know it's like we're gonna fly to wherever today in private and someone's like i'm on southwest dude like i don't even know i'm in a c group like i don't

i'm just i'm just hoping to get a chair somewhere. I'm just hoping. I might be standing. When I say, like, Barstool, I still don't give someone time to say what. Like, what do you do for a living? I'm like, I work at Barstool Sports. It's like a media company. I don't know.

We do, like, podcasts. I'm just like, they're not going to know what it is. There's no way they're going to know what it is. So I'm still used to people, like, like family parties when we were like when we were younger and like my aunt coming up to me like so how's bostel going like that's not what it's called everybody puts yes on the end i don't know why yeah yeah it's it's a strange but do you feel um i i one of my regrets is always like i i think we really try to keep that average. That's why it's perfect actually with the new special greatest average American. Cause I feel like our deal is

just trying to be average, like just appealing to the middleman, the medium people of the world. But when you do get into this business and start to succeed and you want to be as big as you can, I think you need some level of like confidence and a little bit of killer instincts and a little bit of like, recognize that you are really popular and you are, you're not just the guy, you know, with the puka shell necklace anymore. Like, do you, is that, does that ever enter your mind? Cause sometimes I feel like we are almost a little too self-deprecating and we could afford to be a little more like confident about what we're doing. I think we would be more successful. Do you think about that ever?

Well, I mean, yeah, you are doing pretty good, very more successful. Like you're like, that's what's holding you back. You're like, and then we can, you're like, yeah, I know you say that, but to me, it feels like, I don't know. I'm always comparing myself to the bigger show or, or Portnoy or whoever's next. And I really don't feel like we made it or are successful but that's because we have no self-esteem and we have psychological issues but

yeah no i it's it's it's i i just think you gotta you gotta keep that and i mean like yes you can't you gotta be honest and real with what you are doing and uh but you know you see people they they they talk about like they're you know i mean, even comedians talk about stuff where it gets real unrelatable, where they, you know, they you know, they have like their third wife and she's 20 years younger and she looks unbelievable. And like and all this kind of stuff and flying private everywhere. And then they they try to make jokes in that kind of world. You know, Sinbad said it a long time ago. Like he's like, it's hard when you do comedy. Cause he's like, he would take the Greyhound bus to shows and now he's in a limo. And it's, so it's like, how are you going to talk to that audience? That audience

doesn't do that stuff. I mean, people make so much money. I mean, I think, you know, athletes can have that and they're making hundreds of millions of dollars where rich people in neighborhoods make $800,000 a year, and they're making that a day. And so you're, and that's a very wealthy person. And, and, but they, it's, it's just two different worlds. So I, you do need to have the confidence, like you got to have the confidence that you're like, I know what I'm talking about. And like, it comes out through that, not, you know, it comes out with what you saying, like people are listening to what you're saying and you're like, this is my point of view and I'm taking it. And then you're, you know,

I mean, you're, you know, you like your one minute clips now, like when you do that and you get there with your point of view and how much people like watch that. And it's a way that people watch it where that I might catch up on something that I don't know what's going on. And I'm like, well, what's this, You know, and I can just watch you telling me what it is. And then I can be like, all right, that's enough. They're only getting that information from you. I like when I, if I watch your clip, I don't go look the story up. I only, I kind of like, you know, cause I don't, some of the stories you're like, I don't, it's not, I'm going to go spend my whole day trying

to figure this out. Like, that's what I do. Yeah. And you're just going just going like i want to just kind of get it you get a quick gloss over and be like all right that's what it is and then you can move on that's spoiler alert sometimes i do get all the shit wrong though so don't put too much that's the best part too though you want that because everybody's gonna get anything wrong some of you're talking you're like what do i know like i don't know i looked it up the same way you looked it up. So we're looking at the bracket that you put out here. So Greatest Average American is the new special. It's out. It'll be out on Thursday.

Did you come up with a lot of this bracket? Because some of these things are so spot on. I mean, the All You Can Eat Buff and the costco hot dogs and the american craft singles these are all things some of them are pretty you know regional pickup trucks and what i don't live that life but i live the craft singles life and you know i like i love a free refill a lot of this is like spot on yeah i mean a free refill i don't care if you could be a billionaire joe rogan likes free refills. There's just certain things that you've been there. A restaurant when they charge you, like a long time ago,

I remember we went to some restaurant in New York and it was like big J Oakerson's birthday. And this, I mean, this was 12 years ago. And so the restaurant is called Ninja and it was like a super fancy restaurant. Right. And so we go to it and it's a restaurant where you're like the bill, you know, you're going to, it's going to be a thousand dollars. It's like something I've never even seen where you're, you don't know that you can't imagine spending that much on food. And so I was just drinking diet Cokes and I don't know,

like the concept of no free refills is not even in my head. It's just like, no, everywhere you go is free refills. and they're charging me for every diet Coke. And then I ended up having a bunch of them. And I mean, it's like $80 of diet Cokes. And I mean, my wife, how many Cokes did you have? Roughly how many did you have? Well, they were the little glass bottles, which is a, which means they're not free refills i never i never thought about that like now that i mean honestly i'm on the restaurant side now i go i mean they you know they were very

pretty spot on but they're not sitting there at the fountain with the glass bottle filling it i think they poured it before they brought the bottle to you so it was like a small glass so it's like it's not like they set the bottle down. They would pour it. And so I don't realize that they do that. So then I'd like Diet Cokes. You have multiple Diet Cokes in a sitting. Like it would have been healthier to have just whiskey on the rocks. Oh, I know. Well, I'm actually quitting drinking soda tomorrow.

Oh, yeah? Why tomorrow? Well, I just – just because it was was special and i want to stop you know the special comes out on the 18th and then so i was like let me just i drink so much diet coke man i drink ego because when you do get free refills i'll think like i only had two today and i'm like but i had five as i said at that restaurant and they keep and you're like yeah keep bringing them dude i drink the regular i don't even drink diet. I drink full fucking soda. And it is, it's an addiction.

It's a full blown addiction. I love it. And it's so bad for you. It's yeah. It's they say diet's bad too. I think it makes you eat bad. That's what I'm convinced that it makes me want. Like if you get pizza, you don't want pizza and water.

You don't want like popcorn and water like yeah so it's like i'm hoping that it kind of steers me off some of that other the other junk food that i eat feidelberg is just straight whiskey or water nothing nothing in between i will that's a good balance it is cowboy i drink all day just water water water water and then i'd have a few whiskeys whiskey whiskey whiskey i was gonna ask you if you had it because you're like so to me you're so like perfect i was gonna ask you if there's anything weird about you and you you already revealed that you have just you just have a diet coke addiction you're like john is that why because you're you're a golfer you're like i got to do what the golfers do i got to put down an 18 pound these diet cokes dude i'm going through

diet dr pepper too right now that kind of came came, you know, like I wasn't. I used to do Mountain Dew, Diet Mountain Dew. Oh my God, dude. A grown man drinking Diet Mountain Dew is just... What am I going to drink as I re-watch Entourage, dude? What do you want me to do?

All right. What am I supposed to have with that? Greatest average American. You didn't subscribe to the Yellow Nine? You nine you weren't scared of that yellow number five yellow five dude i never even this is the first i'm hearing about it yellow yellow number five if you had anything that was yellow colored so yellow starburst mountain dew anything lemon flavored it it uh the rumor was like you you wouldn't be able to get a boner your your sperm count would be like low or something right yes it was low just low sperm so i'm like

a i'm like an eight-year-old being like i can't eat the yellow starburst so i won't be able to have kids one day what are you talking about nate was just like whatever i mean that i think that was y'all yeah that was up north y''all talked about that. In the south, we were just rolling with it, dude. Did you guys have the urban legend about Marilyn Manson with the ribs? Yes. I did hear that. The Lil' Kim urban legend? Was that with Biggie?

Yes. She was on tour with all the guys. She needed to get her stomach pumped because she was uh performing acts on all the gentlemen in the in the tour bus uh i i kind of i vaguely that one i kind of made i would love to know the the the geographical differences and things like that because we probably did grow up with some weird shit that you didn't you know that i mean the flashing of the lights being a game yeah yeah like that stuff yeah do you believe in any of those things uh i'm not still don't i wouldn't flash my lights at

somebody right like you should just in the back of your head i know it's silly but why tempt fate you know yeah i fuck with it you know just let that person figure it out on their own yeah they're gonna figure as they ram into like another car. Like a small family gets wiped out. I was too afraid of the urban legend to flash them. Yeah, no proof to it at all. The one where someone hides under your car and they're going to cut your Achilles, right when you go in, you heard that one?

That's how they would steal your car. They hide under your car, you get in and they just swipe your Achilles? Yeah, and so then you drop because you can't stand and then they would steal your car so when you would like go to your car you know in this special i talk about uh watching rescue 911 and i saw an episode where a guy sleeps with his feet out from one of their covers and uh and a woman a woman did and a guy started like rubbing her foot and I kind of randomly saw that when I was like 12. And I still to this day don't sleep my feet out from under the covers because of that. Yeah.

Just because of that. I picture that. I can picture the image in my head, and then I just keep them under. And I try to put them out, and I'm 41. And it's been 30 years of'm just always picturing that yeah every day i won't uh bloody mary you know you go in the bathroom and you turn this i would never say her name you could you you would have to offer me a serious chunk of money for me to even consider doing that because just what if just what if i'm not interested no thank you no i always have a theory with uh i was

trying to do this as a new joke it's kind of dark but like uh i'm scared when i die i want to like i want them to be positive i'm dead because what if what if being buried alive is a major problem and we have no idea what if it's 70 and you're like and we're just all above the ground like hey and i mean people are just like yeah that well that's that's kind of an urban i don't even know if it's an urban legend where they said they would like dig somebody up and there'd be claw marks and fingernail marks like or they had the then they had some with a bell yeah yeah they used to just like do it like once a week that to me imagine waking up and you're just in a coffin. Oh my God.

They have those stories occasionally where like someone wakes up in a morgue and they're like, Oh my God, that poor person. Like they woke up in the morgue and like the poor fucking mortician. That guy, that's, that's the sad person in this story. The guy who was up because they all live in the, in the morgue, which is bizarre or the funeral home. For some reason, all of them are like yeah this is my house family thing yeah we blow up in the basement and then have their families in the living room but like hearing that guy just like someone clanging around downstairs oh man it's we did it again son of a we got another one how you doing

on behalf of the funeral home i'd like apologize. You have to give that guy a statement. You give him a jacket. You give him just a big little jacket to leave. And you're like, you want me to call a cab or something? He's like, no. And he's like, I actually need to walk it off, to be honest. I need just the, I need the room. Like, he needs the space.

You're like, well, this neighborhood's a little rough. And he's like, I mean, I was in a moor. He's like, I'm all right. I'll'll be all right it's just in your fridge i think i can handle the neighborhood man what so what's this special like i feel like um i feel like this is your the special after you've truly like blown up at least in my mind like i feel like maybe uh what when do you feel was a tennessee kid was there a certain special or a certain moment where you were like i've arrived and i'm here now because i feel like there's gotta be a lot of pressure to do your the first special after that the tennessee kid definitely so that stand-ups that half hour was like i mean that was

a big because it was their it, that was their idea, Netflix and being the first one in that series that they did. And I mean, a lot of people saw it and that was when people started coming to shows. Uh, and it wasn't, it wasn't crazy. The Tennessee kid was definitely like, you start going to theaters, you know, town hall, y'all were there at town hall. Like you start doing these kinds of bigger shows. And so, uh, the Tennessee kid definitely was that. And then this one, this one I'm pretty nervous about just because the, the, the lead up to it was just so different. It was during COVID.

You don't want it to be like, you know, I didn't want this to feel like a COVID special. We did it outside and, uh, everybody get tested and all this stuff. Uh, what's funny is like only a 100 people could come to the show. And I had a guy email me and he was like, yo, what's up with all the hoops trying to go to this special taping? I was like, what are you? Are you not alive, dude? Like, you don't know what's happening. Like, he just, this dude just live in his own world.

Just like, yo, what's up with the, I got to take a test, dude. Like, are you crazy? You're like, you're lucky we're even alive right now. This guy just has no idea. He's been sending endless emails this whole fucking pandemic.

Email in Southwest, like, what's up? There's not many flights coming out of town. Why do I have to do this to fly into England? He's furious with the Queen. Yeah. Queen.com just emails her directly yeah megan markle he hits up megan markle hey i know you're kind of in there hey can you ask him what's up with the direct flights like she's like she's like i'm kind of going through some stuff right now i know but i figured if you talk to, the flights are getting kind of sketchy and I'd like to know what's up.

So from a, from a material point of view, uh, what are you like? All right. I can see it being two ways. If I'm trying to put myself in your shoes where it's like, um, I made it, I'm firing on all cylinders. This is like the sharpest I've ever been the most confident I've ever been. Or is it like now I have more eyeballs than ever and more, more expectations than ever. And I, you know, am I,

does that self-doubt creep in where it's like, can I follow up the Tennessee kid or is it just like any old special? No, it's, it's, it's exactly, it's that exactly. Like, can you follow it up? And you always feel that you always, the Tennessee kid was especially that I was, cause I was on the road. I didn't know, like, you're like, you could feel it. You, the tendency kid was especially that I, cause I was on the road. I didn't know, like, you're like, you could feel it. You're in these towns and you're like, this, this is murder. And so you, you are like, I, this is, I believe this is good. I mean,

you still are nervous because then you're like, what if I'm delusional and I have no idea. But with this one, it was like we did drive in movie theater dates leading up to it. And so the gauge on it was a little bit different. But I mean, luckily, I had a lot of the material before those drive-in dates. So I did try, like I was able to try them. I kind of knew a little bit. The timing was kind of weird.

I mean, we were outside. We have helicopters fly over during the special. We left that in. I love that. I think that's cool. That's like the way to do it. It was funny. We found out later there's a police chase going on and that's because they were it was like why are these you know it felt like a lot yeah they just kept and so we were

able to like i kind of like riffed on it and so it left like some real moments in it so i hope that it's like for me the special is like a people like really like it they have fun they laugh but then also it's like kind of has got a different vibe to it. And you don't want it. I want it to be where people, a lot of people watch the Tennessee Kid a lot. And they repeat. They watch it over and over. And so you want it to feel like that.

But I mean, dude, the first show, you take two shows. And the first show, I had 60 minutes of material. And I did. And I did 43 minutes. That's how quick like being outside it just kind of sucked down you're flying and i mean after usually when you take two shows in a special they go they're always like we got it after the first one they're like we got a special don't worry about second show just go have fun and this one they were like you know they're like

we definitely don't have it so uh and so it was like going into it when I taped it, knowing, well, I have to, you know, you can't have like a 35 minute sketch up top because you're like, you don't have enough time. So it was, it was, you know, so I would have to figure that out. And, you know, I mean I couldn't hear the crowd, you can't see their faces. So it's like, you just got to kind of be like, all right, dude, I got to tell these jokes, you you know trust that it's going good trust that i have

tried these jokes out and uh and just do it and just you know and so i mean hopefully it comes off and it looks like that do you do you feel like you still need an hour it has to be an hour i know that there's kind of like uh i think i was listening to tim dillon the other day he was like i'm not going to do hours anymore i I feel like half hour is the limit. And I feel like the rules have kind of changed the sense that maybe there are no rules. But do you feel like an hour is still like you have to prove that? Well, like I have like a live show, I think needs to be an hour. I mean, you know, if people are coming to see you at a big show, I mean, like, you know,

I would understand the logic of specials being 30 minutes. I get that. Like, I mean, I could definitely see that if you just put 30-minute specials out, 40-minute specials. But there's still, you know, you watch TV shows that are an hour. You still want, like, the full entertainment aspect of it. And that is what we've always done. I get the special. If you wanted to do 30 minute specials and comics

wanted to do that i do understand that but comics are still gonna be doing an hour and you don't want to be the guy that's like just doing half hours you know if you did maybe one every year like that's the only reason for half hours if you but that's the weird thing you don't want to overdo it you know even if you did a half hour every year it could get people could you know it's like too much you it's it's good to kind of back away and then yeah see that went out i i think about it from our point of view like we do every day there's something podcast twice a week multiple podcasts multiple posts all day social media and i'm always like aren't you guys fucking sick of me like i'm sick of doing this i can't believe you gotta you want to keep but it's i

guess it's just a different world with comics it's a different world personalities i would want to see you every day and like if you if i didn't see you every day then i'm going to tend to maybe go somewhere else and there's there's comics that have been like i talk about and i'm thinking about it anyway uh going somewhere else but it's uh uh if it's comics that are like topical like to talk about like politics stuff like that like you'd be like yeah dude you need to have your voice out there every day because i want you if i want your opinion i want your opinion every day. And every, you know, you can't, you see people that I could like someone's opinion and they do two a week and you're like, well, I won't listen to you now after like the next day, I'm not going to go re-listen to what you talked about yesterday.

We're in a world where the news is every day. Every day is like, dude, who knows what's going to happen, which is kind of fun. That's what's fun about it. Like, you don't know yeah i i mean fights i feel like we we both felt this where it was like what if today the internet's just not particularly funny or there's no funny videos or whatever and it took me a little while to basically bank on it always is yeah there's yeah yeah you can find anything all right is that how you do your podcast like are you i know like you do like a lot of like uh like reader emails and shit like that but do you get a lot of comedy

from it like do you like is that like spitball and we're like ah that might be a bit or do you try yeah yeah yeah i was definitely like you know i actually talked to rogan about it because i was you know because you feel weird uh when you do you know like you because you do come up with stuff the reason the point of the podcast was to be funny and like to keep that muscle and and just be funny and silly and talk about nothing but i mean there's definitely like i'll write down bits i gotta i gotta get over the fact that sometimes when you do it and then you go perform it you feel like the audience will know it you know especially if i post it on, if I have something in the podcast and it's not posted, because a lot of people are seeing these clips on Instagram. Those are the

ones that you worry that like, oh, these people are going to know this thing. They know that I came up with it on the podcast. You know, you feel like they see where it came from. And some people like to see that. And then some people, I I think want to believe that you're coming up with this on its own, you know, We do the live podcast. So it's obviously very different than a live than a standup act. But like the first couple of shows we did, I was like, we brought out our guy Marty mush dressed as a Santa Claus.

Cause there's this, like, we tried to do all these like gimmicks and bits. Cause I was thinking kind of what you said like if you pay to come see a show we gotta give you a show whereas sometimes the podcast is just us like talking and it's funny topics but it's not like laugh out loud humor but it's like I feel pressure to give more but I think what I think you said the people who want to see that stuff, even if they've seen it before or heard it or know it, I think there's more of those people than the people expecting, you know, something you, I think they want to play the hits. They want to hear, you know, your hit song. They want to be in your world. I mean, if I'm listening to you, I'm buying into your world. And so I like you. And so you want to

see it now, if you kept going and doing that, that's where it will stop. People will if they get to see you live for the first time and you do stuff that they know you do, then they're going to be excited to see it once again. But then after that, you know, you don't change it. They're going to leave. And that that's what happened. A lot of the comics in the during the boom of the like 70s 80s or the comedy boom i was talking i've talked to a bunch of those guys and they were on parson all the time and uh they said you know a guy told me he's like look we were just making so much money on the road like all the discos became comedy clubs comedy was this huge thing and they were making so much money and they were partying and all this stuff and they weren't writing a new act and so then when the new group came in

these guys are still doing these kind of felt time timely jokes they didn't adjust and they all kind of went off you know it kind of went away and that was a huge that killed a lot of people i feel like when the when the when those booms hit and there's just money to be made it's like how why would you not but you got to think that like that down the road. It's like still go get that work. But you got it right. It's still a job. It's a business. And so they don't they didn't do that. They were just partying and living it up. And, you know, some did it, but others didn't, you know, and like like a writing process like you like I'm going to go sit down in this room in my house and craft jokes or is it just kind of like you live and take notes on things i just kind of you live i write down notes i mean i always wrote on stage just being in new york that's when new york new

york was you would go up every night so i never i never was like a sit down and write i'm trying to somewhat try to figure out i mean you feel like you never know how to create stuff when you're creating stuff. Like you just you're looking for this like automatic thing that you're like, I need 20 new ideas. And I'm like, oh, I'll just go get them. And I just go to this thing and grab them. But you never feel like you can. And you always feel like I'll never come up. You know, especially after a special, you're like, I mean, how am I going to come up with another hour? Yeah. What are we doing here? Oh, much material. Right. Oh, it's so much. And you're you just look at it. You're like, I don't know. I can't do this.

You know, you're like, you know, you're like, I'm the worst comedians ever lived. Like you just you get all these, you know, we were talking earlier that imposteroster feeling did you just feel it you're just like you're like god dude i don't know what i'm talking about like this is awful this is and you don't feel like you have anything funny happening and then you but you got to think back and be like well the others i did pull funny stuff out of stuff that wasn't funny and like so you gotta just kind of do that you gotta live a regular life you gotta have them you know you have your kids and you gotta just kind of do that. You gotta live a regular life. You gotta have them, you know, you have your kids and you got to take a lot. You need to go do stuff with your kids. You gotta make sure that you're still doing stuff and you're, you know,

you're living that normal life. That's why you hang out with your kids. Yeah. I'll go to T-ball. I'll go to T-ball just so I have new jokes. Yeah. Yeah. I just sit there. I don't even, I don't even talk to her. I just go, she's not even, they go, where's your kid? You go, I don't know. She's on another field. They were giving me nothing over there so i came over these guys are funnier yeah yeah a lot more action over here so i'm gonna pretend that kid's my kid and i'm gonna tell a story about him that is crazy because like i remember like i've been i've been following you and a fan of you

since you were talking about moving back to nashville from new york because you didn't want harper to think she was better than you and now she's cutting promos for you I think she introduced you to start Tennessee Kid too right yeah she did this one too yeah I mean it's like her being on Netflix you know I mean you probably did you get it like so you're when your kids grow up and they're and they I mean we only have one kid but but she all she's known as me doing this. So, like, you know, and I'm like, you're on Netflix. That's pretty crazy. Right. Like you watch shows on Netflix and you're on Netflix and it's they don't like really understand it. Like, you know, you kind of take away the thing that like it was very hard for me to get on Netflix.

It took many, many years. And you take that away, and I'm just throwing her on. And she's almost expecting, I'm like, did anybody at school talk about it? You know, and she's like, no, nobody's brought it up. And I'm like, you're on Netflix. Do you know how hard it was? Like, I'm like lecturing. Do you know what I had to do to get on Netflix? Like, just, you know, it's

they don't understand it. You know what's funny? I talked to, a long time ago, Lucy Kay about it. Just where he was like, it's about, because with his kids being on stuff, because they don't understand it. You know what's funny? I talked to a long time ago, Lucy Kay about it, just where he was like, it's about, because with his kids being on stuff, because they don't, it doesn't register to them in the same way. It's like too much for them to process. Like they don't, they, you know, it's like, hey, I'm talking about you on this thing and you're on it and they can't, they just can't process it like you, like that we did.

Or, you know, it's like buying a new car. Like your parents got a new car. It was like the greatest thing ever. And they were just about some old used car. It wasn't even new, but it was just, you've never seen it. And going out to see that and that, like, so it's like, you want to find those moments. And then now it's like, yeah, that stuff is, it's, it seems normal to her. She's like, yeah, I've always, I mean, I've, for her, truly, she's always been on Netflix. She's like, yeah, that stuff is, it's, it seems normal to her. She's like, yeah, I've always, I mean, I've, for her truly,

she's always been on Netflix. She's like, right. It's what I do. Yeah. How would she know any difference? You know, it's like, do you consciously think of like, I get worried about, and I'm not really in this position yet, but like to spoil your kids that they, they do, you know, if you're calling yourself the greatest average American and your kids grow up on Netflix, literally on Netflix, it's not exactly average, you know, but then what are you going to like sit there and deprive them of,

of nice things that you could provide just so you teach them a lesson. I don't know. It's such a weird balance where it's like, how do you do that? Well, it's, it's a weird balance and it's, I, you know, I, that's, I like it because it's like for it's something me and her are gonna do and uh it's you know it's like a connection that we get to have and we get to do something and i and there's a there's an end game to this with her being on these it's like i look at it as like her introduced me that i want to keep doing it and just evolving with it and then eventually like get to do something when she's a teenager

and like have like i've like and then have her introduce me and have her not want to introduce me when she's a teenager and like do something funny with it and like bring her into that world and uh and like you know if she didn't want to do it i would obviously but she doesn't have to do it but i like creating something with it and what i sell what i'm talking about is family. It's relatable. It's like, that's why I liked it. Like the last picture I showed pictures of the stories I told to be like, look, these are all real stories. I'm not making this stuff up. This happened. And so that's, you know,

that's what you want to give off. And that's why I like having her on it. Is so you can see that it's like, I'm not, there's not just some fictional kid and us moving to Nashville is a big part of that. We're out. I'm out of, she's not in Hollywood. She's not, you know, it's like, we're back home. She's around. She plays with normal kids. Like, you know, she's around, we're all around just people that are not in the business and are in the show business. And so she does experience a very,

she goes to the public school experience, a very normal life. You think she's gonna come home to you like she's probably not watching the grammys yet but she's probably watching the grammys like beyonce gave blue ivy a grammy and you you just get me a netflix like i get i just get to introduce you like blue blue ivy winning her first grammy like like she won it it wasn't like beyonce gave her her grammy blue ivy got a grammy which is and she didn't even get invited to the party beyonce was like blue ivy you won baby i hope you're in bed at home was like look i want my first grammy mom i want to be a party yeah yeah well

i mean that's what i'll give her a speech i'm like look it's all political there's nothing i can do about it you know like it's gonna play the game there's a lot of red tape play the game i don't know what to tell you like i can't uh you know oh man i love it dude uh i really believe though uh you you probably are the greatest average american i think that's exactly why the car anymore i think i think that title goes to like someone like us now i think you're too big to it are y'all watching on to it i'm literally going back to Entourage right now. Are you to that? Like, I am. Episode, I just started season two, and I love it. I love every second of it.

Dude, I just rewatched it, like, literally, like, last week. I just tripped through it. It's so good, man. It's so good. It's perfect. And it's, like, just watching it, and, like, you just, it's so easy to watch. And with everything going on, you're just, like, it just feels so, dude, I love, it's so easy to watch. And with everything going on, you're just like,

it just feels so good. I love it. I love it so much. It got like the Nickelback treatment and like things where it got too popular. And then people were just like, Oh, that's only for like loser bros or whatever.

And you watch it and guess what? Maybe I am, you know what? But it's, it's fucking good. It's entertaining. And Nickelback makes good music too. Yeah.

I'm a big nickelback fan i mean they're unbelievable dude you know they're huge in like uh canada with like uh uh i think it's eskimos that you're there there's i think there's called something else too though like that's not i don't know it's something uh but they i remember going to montreal and they were doing a show there in intouits I feel like that's a worse word I'm saying Inuits I said

on the podcast Vietnamese people I can say that word and it sounds like I'm being racist and I'm just like no he's a Vietnamese like and everybody's like whoa whoa and I'm like no no I don't know how I can't say Bartholomew either so like I mean like I don't

know how to say these words like it's not I swear it's nothing nothing's personal and they're uh so it's uh but yeah like they do they're huge Nickelback fans and they they it was packed I was with Lewis Eskimo was just raging to Nickelback. Dude, we were going to McDonald's afterwards, like late night. And like, I mean, it's just all Nickelback fans in there. And these days, these dudes are huge. And Lewis is like, almost gets in a fight with a couple of them. I mean, it was, it was just a wild night.

And it was just funny. Like, where were you guys at? They're all like Nickelback concert. You're like, all right. They loved it. And I would have loved to gone. I love them too. We interviewed Joe Manganiello the other day.

And we were talking about the Smiths. And he was telling us that the Smiths have a huge, I believe he used the word Cholo. Yeah, yeah. Cholas. Yeah. He said he went to like the Smithith show in la or something like that and everyone there was latina which blew my mind they said they're just big big morrissey fans

i would love for nate bargazzi to be like huge in the hood just like the most awkward unexpected fan base of yours i mean i feel like you probably apply to everybody at this point because it's such good humor but i would love to see you sometimes i do have uh i've had a lot of porn stars like really like my stuff really and uh i and my theory with it is that their world is just kind of a dirty like you know not anything bad with it but it's like the opposite it involves it's the opposite and so like i'm i'm like a you know like it just bad with it, but it's like the opposite. It involves, it's the opposite. And so like, I'm, I'm like a, you know, like they just feels like it's the complete opposite of the world that they have to live in. Yeah. And so, uh, you know, I don't know. I can't remember. I've had, sure, sure, buddy. I got to name them off.

I go there. They're in both those doors behind me. I love the thought that, you know, porn stars, they're nine to five, is hot and sexy and wild. And then they're like, I need something that's the polar opposite of when I go home. Here we are. They can't watch Entourage, dude. They can't watch Entourage.

I love it, man. All right. dude they can't watch entourage i love it man all right so uh it sounds like you might have a little apprehension about this this special i have none dude i think this is going to absolutely murder and i i think anybody who thinks otherwise is crazy yourself included so greatest average american is out is it out of 3 a.m again it's out of 3 a.m i imagine? It's out of 3 a.m., I imagine, right? 3 a.m. 3 a.m. Yeah. We got to fix that. You, make a stand. You know what?

Next special, be like, it's coming out on Nashville time. It's my fucking special. It comes out when I went for normal people, not just the West Coast. Make it happen, Nate. Yeah, I will. That's why I'll make a big stand. I won't, you know, I'm not going to do it. I won't do it.

I won't do it. That's essential time. I'll go to some weird, I don't know, weird streaming service. You're going to crack on us. Yeah, I'll do a Vimeo. I'll YouTube it. I swear to you, I'll YouTube it if you don't get me. I'll put it out right now. Yeah.

All right, man. Thanks for this. Oh, what are you shooting these days before you go? Have you been playing a lot of golf? I have. I've gone back up. I went up to five, but I think I figured my full swing out. Dude, I played with Shea the other day.

Shea Mooney from Dan and Shea. Lost a ton of money to him. And I'm way better than him. And he, I could not win. I had John Augustine, the kid that played at Vandy's, now he's a pro golfer. I mean, so we go play extra holes, and John's like, all right, I get a caddy for Nate this is how much Shea was beating me and then John's like all right I'll get a caddy for Nate and I was gonna have to give pay John like 200

bucks for him to caddy and then we're on the first tee and then Shea's like I'll give you 100 bucks straight up cash if you then also caddy for me and so then then my, my, you know, I'm like, you're not even helping me, man. Like that. And he, and John just, you know, John's just out of college. So he just needs all the money. He's on me. I'm like, dude, you're, you know, and I ended up losing a Shay and Shay laughed. If you could heal, it was like an evil laugh of just him just making putts. I mean, dude, he was putting for like 40 yards off the green and just getting it to like five feet. And you're like, it is so frustrating.

So I'm about to work on chipping and putting. Then I'll be honed in. All right, man. Love to hear it, dude. Greatest average American out on Netflix. Go stream it. And always appreciate the time. Thank you.

Yeah, always. Thank you, guys. Have a good one. All right, big thanks to and always appreciate the time. Thank you. Yeah. Always. Thank you guys. Have a good one. All right. Big thanks to Nate Bargatze. Let's talk to Karen Fiat now, who's an absolute lunatic. Just, just a, what a woman, you know what I mean? What a, what a gal. She's brought to you by the P touch home label maker. I feel like Karen, uh, label Karen crazy. Right on the floor. Uh forehead so if you want to organize

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if you spent your day your morning labeling things instead of making your bed I think, I can see that. I feel like having everything. If you spent your day, your morning labeling things instead of making your bed, I think you'd have much more relaxed, less anxious. It's like I know where to find things. I know where everything is. I know where to put things away. I know how to clean it, where to clean it, where to find it when I need it. When you have everything in your life labeled so that you know exactly where everything is, it's just easy peasy. So you can do this all at home with the P-Touch Home Personal Label Maker from Brother.

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Maker only from Brother. Have fun. Get organized. It's P-Touch Home by Brother.com to get the P touch home personal label maker only from brother. Have fun. Get organized. It's P touch home by brother.com. Karen, what's up? Yo lunatic. All right.

Yo, how we doing? Hi, good. Hi guys. What's the latest? How you been babe? I've been,

I've been obsessed with you guys. Continue. Do tell, do tell, you know, you know how to work an audience. I was thinking about john in the shower yeah there it is now we're starting to cook with gas yeah there we go i did something so aggressively lazy that it made me think of you i was like this is something i feel and you have to like really be there with me to picture this okay okay i'll close my eyes close your eyes take your pants off there's already two like bottles like a shampoo

bottle a conditioner bottle and i'm using like a shower gel or whatever there is no room for me to plop that behind there like you know what i mean like they're all gonna fall down and that's exactly what i did i eyeballed it i'm like this won't fit boom do it they're all they're all in my tub i have no intention of cleaning them for at least a week until i have a man over heidelberg would leave this year what would john the perfect way to describe my laziness is that when I take a piss, I won't lift a seat.

And I'll know I have to take care of that in five seconds. I'll have to get the toilet paper. In 30 seconds, I gotta clean that up. But it's still like, well, that's in 30 seconds. It's a future problem. So let's just take this piss right now and we'll deal with the aftermath later. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. Yes. Even if it's gonna be six seconds later, the bridge is right there. I deal with the aftermath later when we get there yes even if it's going to be

six seconds later the bridge is right there i can see the bridge but we'll cross it when we get there that is great so fuck when i drank i lived in squalor and i like i would be single so i'm like these slobs will fuck me anyway i don't give a shit let him walk over this pile of cheez-its that i left next to my bed and you're not wrong you're definitely not wrong like as long as you're about to put out i don't give a shit i think single girls are grosser than single guys definitely right yes you know what it is it's like girls uh guys are just going to be like this level of slob like all the time girls can be neat but when they get slobby they get even worse than our

middle level you know they get disgusting yeah because then we're like literally depressed and we'll like hide it too like you can walk into a girl's apartment and be like oh this doesn't look bad but like you lift one thing and there's like a family of roaches like hey we've been here the whole time i've hooked up with girls where like it is and like look i don't get me wrong i i keep a fucking pantry by my bed because me and depression we are quite simpatico but like this is the drop beds area i've i've stepped oh i've stepped on like a burger king original chicken sandwich into a girl's bed. Not a wrapper.

The sandwich. It's been there for like three days. I reached over after we fucked. I had a bite. Don't worry. This is my territory. I know exactly what we're doing here, babe. Do you want round two or not, babe?

We have the carbs. Bro, I did that fucking like three days ago. I got, no, no, no. Actually, it was last weekend. Okay, so it was probably last Sundayay night i ordered um for dinner a burger king and it was like john it comes that's bad it comes cold right it was and i ordered a bun i was so hungry i hadn't eaten in like 48 hours so i like i got a bunch of fucking food none of it i ate i had a couple of fries. And then I woke up next morning next to my bed with fucking a Whopper Junior and a spicy chicken sandwich, I think. Maybe it was just a crispy chicken sandwich.

I'll be honest, John. It doesn't matter. Whatever it was. It had been just fucking mayonnaise marinating in the fucking air for a good amount of hours. And I just rolled out of bed in my underpants right in front of the mirror full-length mirror just stared at myself while i ate it like fucking take it in you shit you you're gonna take this burger yeah you watch what a fucking asshole you are what song did you play before you started

i don't do music. I want to hear myself chewing. I want to hear myself getting fatter. I want to hear me take this bite, have a fucking shot of mayonnaise come out the back end. I want to hear it slap on the floor, which is exactly what happened, clearly. Hypothetically, possibly, maybe. You're a girl. Yeah, we are.

Anyway, girls are closer than guys i was gonna say maybe maybe you still take the crown here jesus i'm like i've evolved like my my version of that is probably when i was like in my 20s and i wrote woke up next to a tortilla that just had ketchup and mayo in it nothing else because i that's all i had i had eaten like half of it can i tell you last this happened maybe we have to live through another one of these how many do you have this one this one happened yesterday morning this was just i woke up what happened yesterday yesterday you were pretty good i was sober when i wasn't drunk i was sober i went to bed and i woke up with just a chocolate stain in my bed.

And I went and got my girlfriend, and I was like, I don't know what I did, but there's chocolate all over the bed. And as we're walking back into the room to show her, she asked for my phone so she could take a picture. I fell asleep on the fucking read on the wrap. It's like a perfect, I don't know if you can see it, but there's like a perfect dollop right on his ass. It's still in the wrapper. It's a Justin's peanut butter cup. It's still on the wrap. It's like a perfect, I don't know if you can see it, but there's like a perfect dollop right on his ass. It's still in the wrapper.

It's a Justin's peanut butter cup still in the wrapper. That's why the melting on the bed isn't so bad. You're deplorable, bro. You guys are like the poor man's Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Let's do the chocolate thing again. Oh my god. You know what it is too? The bathroom, kid. Oh, my God. You know what it is, too?

The bathroom, I think, is the real. I think, you know, people think that guys are gross in the bathroom. But girls just have so many things and so many, you know, you got your tampons, you got your makeup, you got a thousand different, you know, everything. And the whole room is just a, it's like a giant closet of toiletries and bodily functions. It's disgusting. I just crush up birth control and snort. If guys had to take birth control, would you, would you trust it? Would you trust us with that? I don't know. Maybe if I put it in a Popsicle for them, like maybe

like a dog, you put it, you put it in the peanut butter and them. Like maybe if I snuck it in. Like a dog. Yeah. You put it in the peanut butter in one of those Kong things and we sit there. Like I'm not opposed. You know, it kind of is. That's one thing that has just fallen on chicks. It's just like you got to deal with it. You got the pussy, so you got to deal with it.

But I think there's higher risk with us. Oh, yeah? I just think because we've talked about this. We're like the pussy is you got to deal with it but yeah but i think there's higher risk developing oh yeah i just think because we've talked about this we're like the pussy's always just a hole like your pussy can't break right if you fuck with my testosterone my dick might just stop working that's true that's true i like i'm like uh my hip-hop teacher when i was i i feel no your pussy a pussy is like an escalator okay so like even if it's broken you can still use it yeah you know it's not it's not it's not functioning at the perfect level but it's still a functional thing is this an ad for necrophilia right now? Yeah, you can just get like Kill Bill.

At worst case scenario, you stop producing lubricant, I get some Vaseline, we'll fucking figure this thing out. But like if my shit stops working, like they do it in TV shows and movies, but I can't actually tape like a fucking popsicle stick to it. They do that in TV shows? I mean, it's like a joke in a movie or something like that. I've definitely heard of that

before. I mean, I use the thumb. You got to thumb it in, but I never use an outside help. But yeah, you're probably right with that. But I feel like I've heard about a pill for men or a shot for men that might be coming. But I'm just like, I don't think we're trustworthy. I think I'd forget. I've been hearing that it might be coming for a long time. It reminds me of me and my ex-boyfriend.

Reminds every girl in their 20s. Yeah, I think that's one of those things we kind of just keep. It's like a honey-do list. We're like, we're working on it, baby. We'll get there. Right, right, right. We'll get to it. Yeah, I'm going to get there.

You know what I think that is? I think there's like one head scientist who has like a wife who's like, fucking figure it out. And he's like, okay, honey, I'm getting there. I'll get to it. He goes home and just works on cancer. Just lies to his wife, tells her he's working on it. He's actually curing the fucking pediatric cancer.

Babe, I swear I'm working on the dick. The cum. I'm going to fix the cum problem. No worries. Do you make your bed in the morning, Karen? I try to, I'm not perfect about it. I do think it helps like keep a clean mental head space.

I can't disagree more. I mean, as someone, again, I, I, I, we've said that we've talked about this on the show before.

I do it. I make it every morning. This morning actually was a real disaster. I, I made the bed over the remote control. I couldn't figure out how to get to it. Yet another reason why you shouldn't do it. You could lose your remote.

TV was on the whole time. But it was, as someone who doesn't. Couldn't figure out how to get it out. That's the excuse I gave my girlfriend. I just didn't turn the TV off. I was like, I made the bed with the remotes in it. I couldn't figure out how to get to it. I could see, if I did that,

before I would unmake the bed, I think I would just grab a knife and cut a hole in it. I'm not undoing this bed if I just take the time to make it. I'm making a bed

once a day, Matt. That's it. But as someone who makes it, it has little to no effect. No, it has absolutely zero effect. It's the biggest scam going. You know a guy,

an admiral, wrote a whole book? Yeah, Admiral of the Navy. And he said, I can't, what else would he be an admiral of? a whole book? Yeah, Admiral of the Navy. And he said you'll change the world. I think he gave that speech at University of Texas, too. I watched the full thing. He didn't tell me.

Yeah, let's talk to the United States military, which is a great bastion of mental health. Let's listen to those guys. Yeah, oh, look, his fucking bed was made as he hangs from the ceiling. Jesus Christ, you know? I don't think I'm going to talk to those guys.

One of the corners was messed up, so it makes sense. It was that fucking cult telling you to make your bed so everyone's going to listen. Kevin going heavy anti-troops today. Troops with a Z. I did it with, I knew Karen could handle it. I knew she wouldn't give a shit. There's something about a maid bed that makes you maybe not want to go and take a depression nap, though. Like, if it looks like you were just there.

So, here's my thing. I have no problem with the idea. If it works for you, go ahead. I just think that it's something that this guy wrote a book about and therapists are kind of peddling right now. I think it's a scam. Oh, I think they peddled forever. My mom used to tell me when I was like

eight. But I think that it's like, it's just because they picked that. I think you could pick, I think the whole idea behind it is like you accomplish something and you get a routine going. But what I'm saying is the literal idea behind it is like you accomplish something and you get a routine going. But what I'm saying is the literal idea of these pillows and sheets being tucked in in a way does not fucking mean anything. I think it's more meaningful to like work out. Like if you like fucking do like a 60-minute workout but like put chocolate in your bed.

That's what I'm saying. If everybody took, you know, I don't know. I think making your bed can take anywhere from like 10 seconds where if you just got to put a blanket over it to like 5 minutes if you're doing the whole thing. If you took that time and did some push-ups and sit-ups, I would argue that would be a better use of your time. I'll say this. If you've got a bed where it's up against the wall, then I think making it is an accomplishment.

Because that shit is fucking impossible. Oh, you mean so you can't get to the other side. Yeah. If your bed's in the middle of the room, it's fucking easy. Yes. I agree.

No, you're totally right. That's me too. I'm like five foot one, so I'm like flipping over my bed like a gymnast to get it done. I do the thing. I gotta pull up, eat everything. You ever been like on the bed?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta jump and pull it. Yes. I mean that, yeah. i don't know if you guys have dogs though but they are put on this earth to fuck up when you're making your bed yeah because it's like a game they're playing yeah i got it i got this part mom is this where you want my butthole um so i think last time we talked i i got a kick out of it at your expense. You probably didn't get a kick out of it.

But we were talking about like, where's this going? We were talking about OnlyFans and you were like, yeah, I stopped doing my OnlyFans because like I'm in a relationship and it's really great. And then I think literally by the time the episode came out, you were like, yeah, we're not together anymore. Stop. It's over. I know. And I was thinking, were you fucking pissed off? Because I know you were probably making good coin on that.

I brought that money. Yeah. I want all those months back. Yeah. Can I invoice that fucking loser? Reparations for that shit, man. How many months was it? I probably took like four or five off and you

were making like good good money per month right i make like between 20 and 40k depending on how hard i try right like i can just let it ride i can just i'm just letting it ride right now and it's making money and this kid and i mean whatever by the way i hate him yeah but now i'm back oh fuck me yeah thank you this is a very interesting era and a very interesting like specific part of like with with only fans and with your relationship in this case you can quantify a person in a relationship you're like it's like like okay i'm happy you like him i'm happy you're compatible. Are you 100 grand in five months compatible? Like, how compatible are you? I know.

You can put a dollar amount on a motherfucker now. It's just so different. We just had such different perspectives when it comes to money. Like, I've had a job since I was 14 and been paying my own rent since I was 19. And he was, like, a trust fund kid. You know what I mean? So we just didn't see it. I like the same way.

Right. And I don't want to shit all over him. It's fine. I'm back, baby. 69, 69. Subscribe.

Your, your only best name is Eminem. 69, 69. I'm final Berg. I'm a child. I'm like, wow. Why? Because only because in my Instagram

story I wanted to play this song guess who's back let's try it all in I love it let's make it good I mean that's so fucking annoying that you're rich off that god damn it I'm so jealous

so jealous it can't last forever right i mean i'm trying not to lead with it so much i have a cartoon doing a shit ton of stand-up i have the podcast do you put any of that stuff on only fans or are you just just sex on only fans sexy sex on only fans i like to you know because that was what that was what only fans was created right just it was actually it wasn't supposed to be like know. Because that was why OnlyFans was created, right? It wasn't supposed to be exclusively porn stuff. It was for creators to make money off their content. So you could just do a fucking dildo vid and then a fucking stand-up routine. You could, yeah.

Versatile, babe. I think you should do stand-up while you're blasting yourself. I should, right? Like go live and be like, is this a punchline? So what's the deal with fucking? You can corner the fucking market on that. You know, back in, like, the early 90s, right, that was a big thing, like, the singing comedians? Yes.

The fingering comedians. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. I'll follow that road road just be fucking pulling bud knock knock i just tell children's knock knock jesus christ man i didn't know i could come to a premise do you think um see like if i was you i think be like, like, I'm at the point now where in any relationship I'm going to be in, I know, like, here's my non-starters.

Here's how it's going to be for me. Like, back in the day, I probably would have, you know, compromised on a lot more than I would now, where it's just like, this is what I need. And if you don't like it and you're not down with that, like, we're just not going to work. I would have for sure. Take a break, Donna. if you don't like it and you're not down with that like we're just not gonna work i would have for sure donna and i i think if i were you for right now i'd be like yeah so here's the deal like i'm a comic you got to be able to deal with that and i'm this and i'm that and i have my only fans and that's fucking it yeah that's that's just part of the deal now because mama makes 40k a month bro i mean if anybody said money can't buy you happiness hasn't had money

they're broke yeah yeah it's like i can't wait to move like this apartment's fine but i'm like looking at way better ones right now with like roof deck pools and the gym and the building and all that stuff i'm like really excited and there are guys out there that i'm finding that are totally fucking chill that are like whatever because, because I'm actually a very, very loyal girlfriend when I'm somebody's girlfriend. Right, just because you... And I see... Yeah, no, the idea that like, it's like, yeah, all right, I don't know, there's going to be like some sexy shit of me on OnlyFans that has nothing to do with me like cheating on you or sleeping around or anything like that you know no if anything it would make me even like more loyal because i love you so much for being so confident and trusting us so much to like let me do this fuck out of here also do you like steak do you want a new car like you're my boyfriend

shit karen you keep talking i'm about to scoop you up. We're about to be dating by the end of this podcast. Shit. Thank you so much. No, you know what I love? I love your Bill Burr fucking rant. I fucking love Bill Burr so much. He practiced. He did his SNL opening at The Stand over the summer, and I was hosting a bunch of those nights, so I got to see it before he did it.

And it's just like, he fucking rules. And I would bring him up and he's like, he's like, I love how you just brought me up to a drunk driving joke. No problem. His wife is awesome. Did you see his wife tweet? Cause some fucking goofball.

I don't even know who it was like, Oh, like owning a, um, like, like just cause he's married to her. Doesn't mean he's not racist. It's like he owns her or whatever.

And she goes, bitch, comma, shut the fuck up. That is, you know, the amount of like goalposts moving that they can do where it's like, okay, well, yeah, he has a wife. But, you know, it's like, no, that's a pretty big piece of the puzzle to call someone racist. They dedicated their life and love to a person of color. No, that's you can't just butt that. But yeah, he I mean, he he is.

He's just I don't even know why anybody even bothers to try to cancel or to stop him because it's too late. That fuck. Did anyone try to cancel over this? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they didn't. You always say this about Bill Burr. Every single time what happens is there are more Bill Burr fans.

No one tried to kill a cancel over this. I didn't even hear about it. Yeah. No, because every, because what happens with Bill Burr is he has so many more fans than he does haters. So by the time you get to it, it's just a deluge of, of Bill Burr love, but it originates from people coming at him so that all of his fans then come back over the top. It was the same thing. I think this one originated. I love Bill Burr love, but it originates from people coming at him so that all of his fans then come back over the top. It was the same thing.

I think this one originated, I love Bill Burr. I think this one originated with him being like, they're going to try and cancel me. Like he started the conversation. No, because they were mad that he didn't, he didn't pronounce the name right. So whether or not he had said that,

I think they were going to be like, oh, this is a white male who, you know, he's racist because he mispronounced the name. Yeah. Cancel culture. They're just so ready for anything to jump on anyone for any fucking thing ever it's like he's just not the one to do it because that no because he literally doesn't care like he's like i mean that's the thing with like i don't know a bunch of comics fucking sorry louis ck is gonna be successful he has a fan base. He's going to continue to do stand up. He's funny as fuck. And, you know, think whatever you want about maybe some like pervert style shit that he did.

It's not nothing he did was fucking illegal. And I don't know. I think everybody. What do you think about D'Elia? Where are you on him? I mean, I'm such an East Coast girl. I hate L. hate LA comics anyway I love

like some east coast west coast rap beef like well you're from California fuck you I hope you die I just said we like did a thing on Legion of Skanks and we watched his apology and he was like I watched you on that that was unbelievable yeah and I was like

he can't say family because he keeps destroying them that was uh that was like a 20 they put up like a 20 minute clip on instagram of karen on skanks where they there was so many points to react to in his apology that like i mean you guys had to stop every two seconds where it was like oh let's make fun of this let's make fun of that that was ridiculous that was stupid that didn't make sense yeah it was just such a obviously written monologue you know this like audition like how can i save my job in hollywood but i think the one thing that he was like said he never did was sort of um interact with girls that he knew were underage but i think that like some lawsuits came out that he actually was i think i think that's about to get disproven but i don't know if anything really i think nothing's sticking i i i have i don't know i i guess i shouldn't speak on it because

they're do minute man i've just heard like from dms and people who are claiming that they've seen the the court case and the details of the case that and if what i was shown or told was true there is like some proof that he knew people were underage. But that's like all speculation or whatever. That's what's going to be interesting is like I think it's bold to come back the way he did. If something does come out, it's like, well, you had to have known that. And you were out here being like, I'm back and I'm doing a podcast and here I am. But he's got to know what skeletons are in there that might be coming out if there are them.

That's what I'm saying. But it's a thing. But men in Hollywood, they can find ways to be protected. I don't know if you guys watch the Woody Allen doc, but like episode three is pretty gnarly. It just I don't know. It seems like Woody just had everybody on his side, especially in New York and Connecticut. Like, I think he like bought off, you know, people and investigators and all this shit. That is so crazy to me.

I don't know. I mean, I know the bullet points of that story, and that's all I need to know. I don't even need to see the documentary. I need to know. All I need to know is you married your adopted daughter. Done. That's it. That's all I need.

Like, yeah, it's, like, kind of like twice. You know what I mean? Like, twice, where it was like, yeah, the adopted daughter. Done. That's it. That's all I need. Yeah, it's kind of like twice. You know what I mean? You did it like twice where it was like, yeah, the adopted daughter. And then you did it again. It just seems. And then I guess in this documentary, there's way more people. I guess like housekeepers and nannies and people who are around who are like. Everybody's testifying.

And then you look back at the 60 Minutes interview that he does and we were all screen-fed this line. He's like, it's not logical. I'm 57 years old and I'm just going to become a pedophile now? And it's like, well, yeah, that's kind of the idea. You wait until you guys are old and then you pick on the young ones.

Yeah, it makes perfect fucking sense. Also, you could just not have been caught. I was going to say, I don't know if you waited to. I think you just got caught now and you're playing that card i think you've been doing it the whole time i can't even believe that there are woody allen like apologists where i mean i guess there's you know you need to like with the delia situation or whatever where it's like okay did something illegal happen i guess you can you can play that there's that element of it where you're looking at it, like, legally. But I'm just saying from my, like, personal point of view,

I don't know what's legal, what's this, what's that. You're fucking, you're gross. You're weird. The whole thing, like, if that is, like, your world and those questions are circulating around you, I'm out on you. Yeah, you're gross. You're done, Woodrow. See you later.

I think his movies suck, too, by the way. I honestly don't know if I've ever seen one. I mean, the only ones I've seen... I hear great things about him, like Midnight in Paris, or whatever the fucking shit it's called. Yeah. I've never... Woody Allen just doesn't... I'm not Jewish, so... It doesn't really appeal to me. I'm not a New York

Jew, so it doesn't mean anything to me. I mean, I'm sure they're, like, from a proficiency, cinematic point of view, they're great or whatever. But I'm like, this movie stinks. Let's put on a superhero movie. Some of the writing was funny. Like, I like Danny Hall.

I love Diane Keaton, though. Was he ever like a comic or did he just write movies? He didn't do like stand up, did he? I don't know. He might have. Did he? Yeah. That's a good question.

I'm not sure. I don't know. But I always thought he was pretty funny. How dare you? You fucking. How fucking dare you? You pedophile apologist supporter. Unbelievable.

I separate the art from the artist. Okay, Kevin? Sometimes with all these stories, I kind of come back to this, like, thought that's, like, not very popular. But, like, what's the point of being great if it doesn't come with like all this pussy? I mean, that was the point, like being a rock star, being a great baseball player,

you know, like it's part of the reward system. Yeah. If you can't fuck your own daughter, what are we doing this for? No, but see, that's what I would argue with,

with Woody Allen, even more so where it's like listen I don't know if you're some down and out dumpster fucking trailer park guy like Woody Allen was famous you don't need to fuck your daughter like nobody should but definitely

not if you're famous and have you know all the attention in the fucking world there's so many Rebecca's wanted to fuck Woody Allen and he should with a K and an H those. With a K and an H. Those Rebecca's. K and an H and double H tits. With camp friends.

She'll bring all her camp friends along. You can have them too. You don't need to fuck your daughter. Goodness gracious. What's the status of your comedy at this point? I feel like we're in a weird situation where some people are back and touring. I feel like the drive-ins and all that shit are kind of done now.

But are you back on the road? Are you back on stage fully? Where are you at? I'm going to Houston this Saturday. I'm headlining the Comedy Hub in Houston on Saturday, March 20th. Really excited about that. Fucking Texas doesn't give a shit. Wild West.

You've got people sitting on stage with you there. They're just making a point. They're going to do a kissing booth with Karen. I have been. I'm one shot in. I got one shot of the Pfizer. I'm like, I'm out there anointing people. You want some? I got the vaccine. Get in.

And then I'm in Connecticut. I'm in Fairfield the following weekend. And then The Stand is doing a grand reopening April 2nd. Oh, sure. Both those shows. It's a Friday night, so I'll be there all night. Very cool. I bet there's going to be some big fucking drop-ins.

Yeah, I would imagine that's going to be a special secret night where some cool shit's going to happen. Yeah, I'm excited. Are you, is it hard to like get back on the road? Like you're back in shitty hotels and you're back kind of like eating McDonald's and you know all that shit. Living the dream. You love it. I have a dog.

So that's my only like issue, like taking, finding somebody to take care of him. But my manager recently has been falling in love with my dog. So that's my only issue, finding somebody to take care of him. But my manager recently has been falling in love with my dog. So that's taken care of. I don't mind traveling. I'm pretty compact. I fit in a lot of little spaces. I can fall asleep anywhere. This bitch is talking like she's a stowaway or something.

Like she gets on an overhead compartment in a train. I fit in a way suitcase, in fact. I fit everything in a way suitcase in fact yeah everything in the way suitcase used to refer to me as this carry-on shove me under the seat uh what what what special we got cooking what what's what's the deal with that oh i mean i i just i'm ready to put together definitely like a stand-up special and put that out there, put that on my YouTube starting to grow. But I also have an animated series called Karen Sucks.

The first episode is out right now on YouTube. The second one should be out April 1st. What's that about? It's just like your life. It's my life. I get cursed by a witch. There's a lot of great voices in it. Rich Boss, Bonnie McFarlane, Sherrod Small, Adrian El Pellucci, Derek Dean.

Goodness gracious. Yeah. So it's been fun. It's fun. I didn't know I would enjoy directing comics, reading these lines, but it's fucking fun. It just turned out to hang. What I think is so interesting, like the, the brotherhood of,

of comics is so thick, like so strong, probably more so than like, I don't know. I can't even think of like an industry that would compare like, you know, athletes don't even stick together like this or singers, whatever.

Like whenever somebody is doing a project, you see everybody's involved in it. Like it's a, who's who coming out of doing either a cameo or opening for whatever it is. Is that, is that like, um,

is it, that's just like favors. Like you're just calling on your friends and being like, you want to be involved or is it like, I feel like it's just like, and when the time comes, you'll do the same for me sort of thing. For sure.

You know, it's like, we actually, a lot of us are actual friends that's it's like why it's the best job on the planet because that's why it's hard to i think like date comics sometimes because people see it's like your job's so fun you're just hanging out with like all these hilarious people and it's like sorry right i picked like when i when i need to miss like a family event for work but work is me talking about like you know, Odell Beckham took a shit on a girl.

It's like, I don't know. You know, I don't know. It's not a great. It's not a doesn't seem that important, but that's what I do. That's the same thing as you needing to like hit a deadline with your fucking reports. I don't know. That's one of my favorite Nate Bargatze jokes. When his wife is like, you never laughed like that with me.

And he's like, yeah, I hang out with professional comedians. You're not that funny. Today on this week on Two Bears, One Cave, Bert was talking to Tom and they just finished like a segment that was just like so funny. They're both like exhausted from laughing. And then Bert's like, I got to go to lunch with Leanne after this. Like, how is that conversation going to compare to this? How could I possibly do that afterwards? It's hard.

I've had that fight where it's like, how was work today? And I'm like, well, I could talk about one of the voicemails or one of the segments on the podcast, but you're not going to keep up. So I'll just say work was fine. I don't really want to hear your opinion on this. I know, you're not going to get on that I'll be shitty I know you're not going to get it I'll be shitty if guys hate on me and they go for the neg too early

once we're friends and we can get in a neg zone you can sort of do that but if they try to hit me with it and then they'll be like well Karen I thought you had a thick skin right you do comedy I'm like yeah yeah yeah but you're not a comedian you're not good you're just a comedian you're not good yeah you're just you're just hurting your my like it's a very uh whether you're a comic or not if you're trying

to play that card i feel like that that style of like you gotta wait it out you have to it has to be organic yeah you'll get there like i love being fucking made fun of like don't get me wrong but like just wait it's a fine line too it's like it's got to be funny first of all and then it can be it can't be too hurtful because then you're just gonna be a fucking asshole totally does that bonnie mcfarland one of my best friends just um she recommended me and hustler just did a feature article on me and we took some very naked pictures too you're you're gonna be in hustler i'm gonna be in hustlerler? I'm going to be in Hustler. Mama, I made it.

Check off the bucket list. Put it on the fridge. Wow. Yo, your OnlyFans is going to pop after that. I hope you mentioned it in the article. I take it down now, right? You might as well leave it up and see if I get a hit from it. I would imagine you're going to get quite the hit from that. We had a girl the other day

we're trying to get more YouTube subscribers and we said once we hit 60,000 subscribers, we're going to get quite the hit from that. We had a girl the other day. We're trying to get more YouTube subscribers. And we said once we hit 60,000 subscribers, we're going to release this video that these guys filmed. And then this chick on OnlyFans came out and said, like, for anybody who subscribes to your guys' channel, I'll send, like, a private video to them. And I was like, let's go. Let's do more of this crossover. So if you would like to make a bunch of videos for our fans, we could work something out here, Karen. I love business deals.

I've always made deals. I said I was like when shameless YouTube plugs meets shameless OnlyFans plugs, here we go. It's a magical world. It was so fun, though. I felt like a model i was like laying there i'm like topless or whatever i'm like these dumb bitches get to do this for a job i'm like this is so easy like i'm not a fucking model i'm like god if only now i i don't think

it would have worked if i tried to like i wouldn't have had any audience and if i was like younger you know what i mean like that's why i see these chicks on their own only fans sometimes they're like three month bundle for 6.99 and i'm like your pussy is so new but that's the thing so you have the audience and you're you're not like shy about it so like if you're trying to do the anonymous only fans thing how do you even grow it how does that even happen i guess you gotta just be so fucking good that it's word of mouth i don't think you really know human like sexuality if you think that that's sustainable and really gonna grow i don't know maybe some people are just into torsos and nothing else but i think like human nature is more like i want to see somebody that I'm not used to seeing

do this shit, fucking do this shit. It's like, well, that's like the pinnacle of it for sure. Where it's like, I've seen her on stage. I know her jokes. She's funny. And now I get to watch like how she is in the bedroom. That's amazing. But what is funny is always like you, you always want,

I said like with the, with the rise of the anonymous shit, it's like, okay, yeah, I can see your pussy, but now I want to see like with the with the rise of the anonymous shit it's like okay yeah i can see your pussy but now i want to see like your eyebrows you know whatever you whatever you're not showing me is what i want to see because it's you know the forbidden part i want to see that bitch's ears she's got big earlobes or what i don't fucking know i have one foot guy very mad at me right now he makes me love love letters i don't give him enough i don't create enough can i tell you how much core it takes to hold your feet up like this can you guys just send him this i was gonna say you're giving away the goods right now that what's so funny is that happened

right there she was willing to do that we laughed but to someone that's the same as if she just showed her asshole you know that is the same thing in their mind as if she just bent over and spread them. It's crazy. But the feet thing is so easy. Fuck your core strength. Just sit there and take goddamn pictures of your feet. Rip a few sit-ups instead of making your bed in the morning. Pop those feet up.

I just picture Kevin being my wife in the background like, put those feet up, bitch. I want to go to the loo. I would fucking, Karen, I would pimp you out so hard. I'd be sitting there painting your toenails at night, rubbing lotion on them. I'll be like your foot gimp or some shit. I'll be your pimp and gimp, whatever you want. I'm like taking a dump. He's like, this is for someone.

Someone will buy this. Honestly, the weirder the shit gets, the higher they pay. I'll be like, listen, babe. Listen, I'm just gonna like chop your pinky toe off okay there's really a market for it i promise this dude in fucking toledo who's gonna pay 17 000 bucks for your pinky and guess what daddy needs a new car i want a tesla see you later kevin comes back from fucking ace hardware with a tree clipper. What's that for? Don't worry about it. Go take a nap.

I'm setting up the studio, babe. It's time for your bed to go. Honestly, I mean, I do sometimes wonder, like, I really think if I was a girl and looked like you or if there was some sort of market for a guy who looked like me, I would absolutely be doing this. And I'd be doing it trying to get Nikki Glaser to do it.

I'm like, she's like, you know, this prolific like she's this vegan. I'm like, you could start an OnlyFans and make a million dollars and free every factory farm animal like in the world. Like how much are you about that life, Nikki? Prove it. Put your money where your mouth is. Any progress or is she a hard no? No. She moved back in with her parents for a long time.

I feel like that'd be tough. Her and Andrew are like the fucking Grand Caymans now. They just live there together. Colin is just riding that blazer wave. It's so funny. I love it. I just picture him with sand in his belly button and he's fucking drooling and gumming down

a chicken sandwich. That was such a... That's pure disgust. I hate watch more of Andrew Collins' content than anyone else I'll push strangers I'm gonna be on the train I'm like look he thinks this is funny

how many more times am I gonna read one of his fucking Instagram his iPhone notes one of those goddamn notes posts I know so scary oh man I love it and so you're in New York, right? And you're not planning on leaving, are you? You're not one of these people who's going to flee?

No. I mean, unless I get a job. But I wrote some notes. Not unless someone pays me more money. Yeah, I'm here for good, too, until someone's like, oh, how about this for Toledo? I'm like, sure. Works. I love the East Coast. I love the East Coast.

I prefer the East Coast. East Coast girl. I like LA for like a visit here and there or like a job, but no, I like it. I like it here. I have a new crush. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Who is it? Just tell us. Just tell us.

Tell us your crush, you pussy. Do you ever go through a breakup and then put all the projections like of like a new relationship on someone way too early i'm like starting like fantasize it's called life never life right like i've like choreographed our wedding dance like in my mind oh totally normal totally normal that guy should run for the hills right now yo i'm watching this show called the one where uh the uh the premise is you uh you you give a you pluck your hair you give a dna sample and this company can match you with your your your soulmate uh oh my god yeah i mean it's obviously

like this crazy sci-fi made up thing whatever uh would you do it would you do it if that was real? Yeah. Yeah. You're like, oh, my God, how pathetic. Of course. Yeah. Have you first in line? I'm like, yoink. Yeah. I'm planning my wedding dance with a man I haven't met yet.

Yeah, I think I'd try and find the one. This was what was so, so interesting, though. And it ties into the crazy girl. So I got to the next episode last night. And there's one of the storylines is there's this girl and she's married and she starts kind of acting weird and slinking around and you realize that she's matched and that's why she's being weird. That's what you think.

And then this last episode I found out she plucked his hair and went and found his match and is now being like a crazy girl stalking his soulmate. And she's like, how am I? She's talking to her girlfriend. She's like, how am I supposed to live?

And the girl lives of course in the city. They're both in London. She's like, how am I supposed to live? Knowing that her, his soulmate is right there and could run into him in Starbucks, could run into him at the bar. Like,

what am I going to, I think she's going to end up killing this bitch. I think she's going to end up murdering her. I think she's going to end up murdering her. I thought you were going to say, how am I supposed to live? And she lived too. Like, could you, I mean, that that's next level of the crazy stalker girlfriend or your stalker girl where it's like, yeah, you know, you stalk his Instagram, any girl that follows him or any girl that comments or whatever.

Now you pick out the genetic soulmates. Imagine what you would do to that chick. Psycho. Oh my god. I'm crazy. I'm like jealous and like I'll do something to like Karen, I could take one look and be like, oh boy, she's a handful.

She's like, you can look at Karen, she's like, she's a handful in a good way, she's a handful in a bad way. Yeah, both ways. You don't have a lot of casual nights with Karen, I feel like. Casual nights with Karen. I can see that being a series. Either fucking wild sex or fucking you dodging glasses being thrown at your head. Or maybe both at the same time. Maybe that's part of the wild sex.

It's Netflix and fuck or Netflix and fight. You used to date Lewis, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, that must have been a fucking shit show. You two maniacs. We were insane. We were crazy. There was a time we were both sober for like a year.

And then I wasn't drinking. And then towards the end of our relationship, we started doing copious amounts of cocaine really bad because we still like love each other and like i like i mean i've got lewis will be in my life forever probably work together forever i just adore him but like we were not meant to be a couple so i think we were just like we'll just do coke until one of us dies. Can't be in a toxic relationship if one of us is dead. Wow, that's fucking great. It's a way to go out. It's a pretty fun way.

Honestly? Let's just see which heart gives up first. See which one of us is the bigger pussy. In a weird way, that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. That's the Romeo and Juliet shit. That's actually, people don't know that. It was just coke he was doing. It was just coke he was doing he's dipping fucking uh juliet's nail into coke and no he has he has a new girlfriend now and her name's karen so i get the fuck out that's a pretty rare name karen yeah karen's a

very odd name she's a jew it's k-e-r-e-n mine's k-e-R-R-Y-N. So it went from the Irish to the Jewish, Karen? Yeah, mine's better. Yeah, that to me, recognizing that you're not actually made for someone and just doing destructive habits that undo a year's work of mental work. Only way I know how to have a relationship. To me, that sounds like a little something I call romance. All right, girl. We appreciate the time

as always. You're a ball of fun every time, so thanks for coming through. Thank you so much for having me on, you guys. I really appreciate you sharing your stardom, leveraging your fame, sharing your audience. I can't say thank you enough. Yeah, something like that.

All our fans, go get tickets to the Carrot Show in Houston this weekend. Fairfield next weekend. I want to come to that stand show. Can you get me tickets if they're sold out? Absolutely. Hell yeah. Was that April 2nd you said?

Hell yeah. Yep. April 2nd is the return of the stand. That should be dope. I'm going to try and buy them right now, but if they're sold out, I'm going to hit you up. The podcast is what? Only Fian's? Only Fian's.

That's right. New episode every Friday. It's on YouTube. Me and my little co-host Jared Schwartz. He's a little racist Jew from Staten Island. I love him. I feel like the way you describe that, it's almost like a gnome you take out of your back pocket.

Here's my opener. Here's my guy. I feel like I've seen pictures of you guys on the couch together. He's bigger than you. He's not seen like a small guy at all. He's way, he's like two feet taller than me. And of course, I guess, you know, Eminem 69 69. If you want to go get down with the OnlyFans. Check it out.

All right. Thanks, girl. Catch you next time. Bye. Bye. I've got some missions that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the life of you it's only right this is the soundtrack to my life the soundtrack to my life to my life to my life, to my life, to my life, to my life