KFC Radio - Nick Turani & Our Most Offensive Segment Yet (A New One)

Episode Date: February 18, 2021

Subscribe, rate, and leave a review! Nick Turani joins us for the entire show. He tells us about how he felt after losing Surviving Barstool, give us some great nba insight, tells us about the formation of ANUS, and much more. He also joins us for AITA Thursday and Voicemails. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @FeitsBarstool @Nickturani Subscribe to the KFC Radio Youtube Channel for the full podcast: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Subscribe to the KFC Radio Clips Youtube Channel for the best clips: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCspldj_2KhBix7eVxe2H8xgYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. This is the most offensive segment in this podcast. I need you to... We got to play the tape. I truly gasped when he said it. We did get a new shirt, by the way. Oh, yeah? What size? Did you bring out Mr. Cereal? Triple XL, bro. We did get a new shirt, by the way. Oh, yeah?

What size? Did you bring out Mr. Cereal? Triple XL, bro. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We are joined by our third chair today, none other than Nick Tarani. What's up, ****? I guess you got to get from the top. That is the top. Let's go.

We're getting you canceled. We're getting you canceled. That was a 10-second appearance from Nick. I think I dropped literally last episode. No, let's not do that. We're like the last bastion of here. We say it all the time. Don't worry.

All right, so let's just acknowledge one thing real quick. You haven't asked why your seat is so much lower than ours. No. What's your hat say? If you're watching on the YouTube, you can see Nick's stupid hat. Bigfoot is real, and he tried to eat my ass. So you can zoom in on that one there. You sick pervs.

This is an old hat. It's like, and he tried to eat my ass. It's not analingus. Not rimming, Kevin. Oh, he tried to like devour your ass. Yeah. No, that's not what it means. That's just not what it means anymore.

So he tried to eat your ass. It's an old hat. He tried to eat your ass with his teeth. Yeah. Yeah, that's what he sounds like. Yeah, it's not licking the bottle. That's what he sounds like when he's eating your ass. Why am I on the show?

When you fuck Nick, when you fuck Bigfoot, he goes, Bigfoot fucks me. Yeah, you don't fuck Bigfoot. No. How does he fuck you? Hard. Well? I didn't say that. Have you ever...

Superman fucks well. Bigfoot fucks hard. It's grammatical. Have you ever heard when I did Bigfoot erotica on barcelsports.com? I don't follow anything you do. Yeah, I wouldn't know. Let me see if I can find it. This is years and years ago.

Long time ago. Were you writing your own, or was it like you were commenting on someone else's? There was a reason. I didn't just happen to have Bigfoot erotica. But this woman made $30,000 a month. This is like the OG OnlyFans,

really, when you think about it. So this is 2014, and her name is Virginia Wade, and she wrote a three-volume, 16-book come for Bigfoot. And then she had to change the title to Moan for Bigfoot. Why? Because that's inappropriate. Yeah, the come was on the line. So I wrote my own Bigfoot porn because I said, listen,

I'll make 30K a month. How'd you do? Well, you tell me, I'll read it and critique it. Yeah, please do. Before you do, did you guys see that there's a KB and Jacob Sartorius

fan fiction porn out there? No. And it's the one thing... Did KB write it? No, he's too embarrassed because it is... Not only does he rape Jacob Sartorius, it's still when Jacob is a boy.

It's boy rape. The only thing worse than rape is boy rape. That's the bottom rung of rape. What's the top rung of rape? Rape play, I guess. Yeah, like fictional rape. That's a good answer. Rape, simulated rape. Yeah.

Yeah. And then what's the middle rung of rape? Rape here, like a sword. Can we pull that up? Can we read that somewhere what oh yeah i can get it for you okay so i'll read my bigfoot porn you let me know what you think i don't know where my affinity for sasquatch love initially came from as a young girl i just had to be a girl as a young girl i became and became enamored with chewbacca in star wars can i? Yeah, sure. I didn't know you wrote. You're a good writer. When did you start

doing that? As a young girl, I initially became enamored with Chewbacca in Star Wars, A New Hope. But I was ashamed of my forbidden love. It was my dirty little secret that I thought would never come to life. But there I was, bent over naked before not one, but two real-life yetis. Big feet?

Big foot's ape cock entered me from behind. A BAC, yeah. Entered me from behind while I pleasured the abominable snowman's snowy balls with my lips. Deep-throating his cold, furry dick. I could hardly believe it. My dream had come true. Skewered by two Sasquatch cocks, I began to gush in ecstasy. Even I'm getting uncomfortable.

Gush in ecstasy. They're soaked for a rubbing against my naked body made me groan with delight. Give me 30 grand. My God. That was very good. And I bet you, was that like 30 seconds for you? Yeah, probably And I love, it was progressive because you used Yeti and a Bigfoot

That's multiracial, I suppose Yeah, it was very equal opportunity With my Sasquatch porn Yeah, so I love that Yeah, thank you, that means a lot coming from you You're a good creepy writer Have you been to the Dragon Dildo website? You can buy dildos that are from dragon dicks.

Now I've seen them in action. I've seen the website. I've seen them used. I don't think I've been to the website. Reading the description of them. Is it called baddragon.com? I think my friend told me that. Yep, that's what it's called.

And then third link down. Yeah, pick out a dildo. These are the ones. These things come, too, right? How about this? Suspended. I want to know what that is. Like, I mean, these are so popular.

Dildo's legal in 45 countries. The Freaky Fast is currently suspended until further notice. Wow, I mean, listen. But if you read the description, they write character descriptions for the dragons. Oh, wow. So you know who's fucking you. Interesting. My homie Bob Werewolf.

This also looks like you can fuck the dragons. Yeah, that's a dragon pussy. Now in my mind, dragons are always boys. Yeah. Cats are girls, boys are dogs. Correct. What would be the female version of a dragon? Like a dragoness.

Dragoness. Dragoness. Yeah. Clearly. Yeah, they're pussies. I'd get a dragon butthole over a dragon pussy. You would? Yeah.

All reptilian buttholes the same. You could save your money. I'd as well fuck a gecko. A gecko. That's an amphibian, but I'll live as long. This is the description of the nocturne. This is the nocturne, the red. So that is, yeah, that's two-tone. Do you already know the description of the nocturne. This is the nocturne, the red. So that is, yeah, that's two-tone.

Do you already know the description? Do you want to read it from memory? No, no, go ahead, go ahead. This is one toy that certainly goes bump in the night, known for its exhilarating bulges along its thick shaft, a bulging knot. Knot is one of those words that's, like, becoming oddly perverted, like, porn-like.

You know what I mean? A knot is, as we're picturing, remember that guy who had the bead in his dick? Yep. The porn star. Nacho whatever. No, not Nacho. But he had a lump in there. Did he?

I think so. No, this was the guy who was arrested for trafficking animals. Oh, yes. He was trafficking chickens and stuff in Miami. I thought that was Nacho. Nah, it's not. This dude's dead. Nacho's not dead.

Nacho's still in the game. Because I remember Asa tweeting, like, if this counts for anything, I've worked with this man many times and there was no weird animal. Because it was like, not only was animal play, but there was magic.

He was like a wizard or something like that. Remember that? That's where you were. Shaman or something? Yeah, that's why he was trafficking the animals. Right. They were used in ritualistic experiences. Naturally.

Yeah. It was like beheading chickens and goats and stuff like that. That sounds like something that would go on in West Virginia. Incorporating magic into your fuck game would be funny, though. Absolutely. That's a sexual magician, you know what I mean? Yeah, she doesn't want you to finish in her mouth, and then you're just like, all right, and then she'd do it anyway.

Surprise! How'd you do that? That sounds like one of the rungs of rape. That's up there. But yeah, so the nocturne has the exquisite ridges and uh alt porn named it the number uh number one uh toy of 2016 16 perfectly shaped for vaginal or anal use see how about this perfectly shaped for vaginal or anal use like i gotta disagree with you there it's a dragon dick it's perfectly it's perfectly fit for a dragon

pussy but not a human yeah, this is for dragon pussy. It says the ultimate G-spot and P-spot simulation. What's the P-spot? Oh, boy. There's a new spot. Nick chimed in real quick on that one. Wait, what is it? The prostate spot. Oh, the P-spot. That was

fast. You like mic drop that. You went prostate. Fell like Mike dropped that. Fellas, over here. It says add a cum tube to your experience. Even more naughty fun. Yeah. Do you think people use those in real life?

Not porn? Like the fake cum? Again, I've seen it in porn. I've seen it in like, you know, girls. I would be surprised. Like, why does this get covered in milk and how do you like how do you sneak it

like are you supposed is that it like you're like oh look how much I came for you yeah that's what I that's what I'm saying do you is it something where you like

are you faking it or are you just being like yeah this dick's gonna come on you and then I'm gonna come on you later well I would think it would be in the privacy of your own like not like like one person using it

solo dola so like she's like yeah she wants a real experience I want a dragon cream pie and then you fucking but then i feel like it's a whole thing again because you have to go i don't know pee out a gallon of milk yeah see see that's the thing like you know when you have that moment after you come where you're like oh boy what have i done if you're covered in fake cum in your house that is that's like that's rock bottom yeah that's that's the moment like i gotta i gotta re-evaluate that you're covered in fake cum in your house that is that's like that's rock bottom yeah that's

that's the moment like i gotta i gotta re-evaluate that you're holding like a dragon's cock it's cock bottom is it cock bottom mix like wait a minute i got i got it's actually i got something to say here what do you think about the idea for that you don't oh. That's like you have to redo the bed. That might be like a one-use thing, you know, just to get rid of that dragon cock. I got to start over. How much did it cost? Not much.

I think it was like 55 bucks. Oh, that's a pretty good deal for a dragon dick. I would think so. For some reason, I thought this would be like $200. Yeah. What if you love it? That's what I would pay for. Yeah, that's what's dangerous about trying any sort of kinky thing where it's like, well, I can never go back now.

Yeah, or that. Like, yeah, she's trying to find a dude with, like, very bad eczema. Like, I need some sort of scaly dude. How about this one? This just looks like a mangled human dick. That looks like a regular dick. Yeah, that looks like an uncircumcised. I don't know about a perfectly normal dick.

What is that? What does your dick look like? That one's just called natural. There ain't nothing natural about that if you ask me uh a long day on the slopes now we're skiing calls for comforting embrace of your new favorite toy echo with its own slope to conquer he'll warm you up from the inside out his unique head gradually increases in girth coming from a textured ridge along its shaft making for an incredible ride that gives you comforting feeling deep inside.

I believe they hire artists, so you can see who Echo is. I believe they hire artists, so you can see who Echo is. Professional, did you see that? Yeah, he was like, gotta talk into the mic. I was wondering what you were doing. I thought you were trying to get more visible to a camera or something. Oh, they also have a mini that's the same size of a soda can. A mini is the size of a soda can?

The small dwarfs the soda can, and then I'm imagining the large is like a 40 ounce. This is like one of those things in Parks and Rec when it's like, the child size is the size of a bathtub that would fit a small child. Yeah. Small can't be big. I mean, XL is two and a half cans. That's big. Nice looking, though.

That one had pretty colors. what do you think about normalizing that one had pretty colors what do you think about normalizing male sex toys Nick oh I absolutely do I think it should be normalized and I think do you have any sex toys at all

no I don't cause it's not normal uh no cause I I uh I don't fuck I don't cum

I hardly get hard that's like it's like the winter solstice is the only time I get hard. It's a couple times a year. That's why, because the slopes. The slopes, everyone knows when you're skiing. Yeah. So what do you do on the semi-annual occasion where you get hard?

I get kind of shy, kind of reserved, kind of timid. Look at my feet and kick the ground. Hands in your pockets. Nick, are you hard? Nicholas. Who's that saying it to you? Kyle. Kyle.

I feel like your dad would be disappointed in the fact that you only get hard twice a year. No, no, no, no, no, no. No? No, no. That's cool for your dad? No. He likes that, you know. He does not like when I talk about him at all.

I've had very long conversations. So I'm trying to maneuver around this. When my dad is getting fucked by a man. So you're coming off You're fresh off of your Surviving bars to a loss If you will But you know W considering you made more money

Than anybody on the show Yeah So do you consider that a win or a loss? I don't It's a loss still I mean yeah you didn't win And it's a loss And you also lost

Oh I think it's a win Well I also factored in If I were just a minimum wage Hourly worker still i mean yeah you didn't win and it's a loss of lost time i oh i just i think it's a win well i also factored in if i were just a minimum wage hourly worker staying here for an entire week and i'm owed money yeah i mean you were working you know overtime time and a half double time whatever yeah seven straight days six straight days yeah so yeah you um you regret your time yeah every second every second i won't ever do it again i i feel like um well you made some enemy yeah you didn't make some enemies but you have some you know like blood feuds now i would imagine by yeah i did you wrong i suppose so but that's okay i'm i'm over it actually yeah yeah i'll just you know just Getting back to your NBA coverage. I'll leave that to the pros.

What do you think of Ben Simmons? The exercise guy? The basketball player. Basketball player. Love him. I love him and the team he plays for. How many units do you think you could win if you were to gamble on him? Just below double digits.

Like nine? Maybe a little less. Maybe eight units. That sounds enticing. They play in the jazz. God, you're an idiot. I love it. So when you lost to Tommy,

Yeah. Like if you had lost to Brianna or Kelly, would it have been any different? I feel like you wanted to – here's what I think as the host. I feel like you wanted to outwit and outsmart and outlast and outplay Tommy. You did it in your own way. You did it in a different way, a polar opposite really. And I think you thought – because I did.

I thought it was going to work. I thought I was going to win. I did. I thought it was going to work. I thought I was going to win. I did. I was 100% positive. Because again, we've acknowledged that, like, why would anyone let Tommy? Yeah. And I thought it was going to just be beautiful just to see him make it to the finals. Do everything that he's

stolen from other competitors. Right. You were original. Called his own. Yeah. And then just see it crumble when he's so close to the finish line. Yeah, but that didn't happen. At all. At all. The polar opposite of that happened.

Yeah, that was a rough one. And so had you lost to anybody else, what do you think would have been different? I probably would have made less money. I thinky was so yeah that enraged the audience so much they were like who was the other third it was it was chicken fry right yeah chicken fry yeah i think if chicken fry won you might not even get any none right none i think it was just it was anti-time yeah it's like people thought tommy was so you have a thesaurus. What's like an eloquent word for dickhead? I could not believe how much he was like, Asperger's?

Yeah, I'm fine. A-boy really shined that week. That speech of like, yeah, I'm smarter than you, and yeah, you're dumb, and yeah, I stabbed you in the back, and everyone was just like, I'm going to vote for Tommy. This is my world. This is my game. Crazy. Yeah.

I think it stung you, though. It did sting me. What would you have done had you won? Did you have a reaction or a speech or something planned? So I put together all of Tommy's self-fallaciating tweets into a slideshow, and I just put fart noises over it. And I was going to tweet that out. That would have been great.

Can we maybe put that out anyway? I don't know. I don't want to do that. I don't want to. I never want to we maybe put that out anyway? I don't know. I don't want to do that. I don't want to. I never want to think about that again. Yeah, that's probably a bad idea. And the thing was, I was like, okay, this will be good. My contract's coming up.

I'll talk to Erica after this, and I'll be like, this was a big thing. It was well-liked. Everybody worked well together. Signed my contract the day before it started. Ain't it the way. Didn't have a bargaining chip in that. I think that. I remember you did when we did the tattoos at the bar.

And I obviously had no idea what your contract situation was or when you were going to be up. And you finished the grandma tattoo. And you go, I better get renewed for a new contract. I was like, like a month out and you're doing the horrible things. Well, it actually turns out to be probably like one of the better tattoos we've had. Yeah, it looks nice. No, no, no. One of the better tattoos like ever.

It's a great tattoo. It's such a good tattoo. Yeah. It's just I didn't think about me getting – when I get sucked on and like the person has to – Look up and see that? You never want to meet family that quick. When you're getting sucked on. That semi-annual boner.

I have two grandmas, as many do. And I'm getting a very, very expensive photo-realistic one of my other grandma right next to it. So I have that scheduled. And I like that grandma less. Does your grandma that you currently have know about this tattoo? Not at all. Not at all. Will she ever know?

Maybe on her deathbed? If you believe in the afterlife, she'll look up and she'll be like, yeah, okay, that looks okay. No, she's still alive, but she's hanging on by a thread. So this may be a tribute to you, grandma. Like, I'm still alive. Yeah, well, not much longer. Yeah, no, be. This was like a tribute to you, Grandma. Like, I'm still alive. Yeah, well, not much longer. Yeah. No, she's in a retirement home now.

And so with COVID going on, I only go see her when I'm like coughing or feverish. Me and KB did like a pop-up show there for everybody. No, when we do the live shows, we do this thing where we like, we spit on people. So that's what we did at the retirement home. I was going to say, we might be stealing that routine soon. I have a similar live show. What are you doing? I don't do it in front of an audience.

It's just a personal thing. It's a one-on-one live show. You spit her? Yeah. I mean, not regularly. There was a time when it was much. It was like one of those things where I started doing it because we talked about it so much. But it was enjoyable.

It's like people aren't getting the full experience if I'm not actually doing it. You've got to give them the final word. I've got to actually do this. Right. And I've fallen off a bit since then. But there was a period in my life where – You're getting spit in your mouth. I was that dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

It was just a poison that came out. Oh, yeah, the one that killed Newman. Yes, exactly. Did you really ever hit him with the... No, yeah. What do you mean? I kind of did the drip. You went like...

You didn't go... I would 100% have a... It would be like into a mouth. Into the mouth, you didn't go... I would 100% have a... On the face? On the pussy? It would be like into her mouth. Into the mouth? You went... So she got like projectile spit in the mouth? That's just how I spit. Because I'm a good spitter.

Yeah, but he's not spitting on the ground sexily. You know, like let it drip. You went... And it hit the back of her throat? Give me a fucking cup. I'll show you. Okay. And then I'll show you.

Alright. And then I'll show you. All right. And then I'll... Actually, Nick, just open your mouth. This is how I would go. That's like a sunflower seed. Yeah. You're treating her like a dugout floor. That hits the back of your throat.

That's like... That is like a spittoon. Like you're in an Old West. That's just... But that's a little bit of spit. That's not a lot. That's just a spittoon, like you're in an Old West. But that's a little bit of spit. That's not a lot. That's just a little... See, that's grosser to me.

That's grosser. By the way, this is all gross. It's all gross. Mine is manageable. I bet I have less spit and my delivery system is faster. Yes, I'm not denying that. It's not about speed. It's not about the delivery system is faster. Yes, I'm not denying that. It's not about speed. It's not about the delivery of the parcel.

No one's ever like spit in my mouth fast, daddy. Hit that velocity, baby. Before I fucking change my mind. Yeah, like what the fuck? Now mine is sensual. Yours is goddamn violent. Yeah, it feels like a fucking paintball. That's fine.

Please watch the YouTube and watch us spit. Nick, you want to show us how you would do it? I don't produce it. Well, you know what? If you were to spit on a girl in her mouth, how would you do it? This is very gross. This is so disgusting. I have very bad accuracy.

I know I'm going to fucking just spit on my leg. Let's see it. Jeez, he's like a magician here. You think I'm going to be close to the woman I'm lying with? I've already came and went, brother. He got me and his leg! You know what? We're finally going to get YouTube subscribers.

You got to do an intercede. I have a dry tongue. And I can't... I'll tell you what. I didn't mean to get you a shrapnel. You know what? Well worth it for that moment. I want... This is soft, though.

Jackie, marry, fuck, kill those three versions of spit. Who ranked... Also Zach. Yeah, you know what? Let's go with Zach. So my spit... You know the opening scene of Pulp Fiction where no bullets hit them but it's all behind them that's just what happened

she's laying there like wait what that was buckshot you were skeet shooting me that one you know that one setting on the hose where you're like why it's just like what is that Nick spits the same way Chaney hunts Why? It's just like, what is that? Nick spits the same way Chaney hunts.

Anybody in your party can catch it. KB sitting in the corner watching can catch it. You're handling being spit on very well. And I'm very sorry. I feel like an asshole. I didn't think that would happen. I did ask for it, though. I did sit next to you and say, show me this pay cut. I told you I have a very dry mouth. You did.

You said it was coming, and it did. Going back to your contract discussion, I think... Yeah, it took a huge pay cut. I think that the powers that be at Barstool Sports are so lucky

that I would say 90 to 95 percent of the people here are like just pay me whatever you want to pay me you know you got like you got like call me daddy who will like just publicly uh how old dave hostage and somehow get more money out of it and you got some other big stars who like really handled their shit and then the rest of us are kind of like oh i don't know sounds good i'll just sign it without looking at it if she was like what do you think you're worth it's like brother my therapist would uh i mean that yeah that's that that's a dirty time to always do to me yeah like how much do you think you should yeah like you do your chores like how much do you think you're in this week i'm like never mind. I don't want to play your mind games.

I just wanted 20 bucks. I was asked one time that question. No, like what's the least you would work for? And I said about half of what I make now. And he was like this age. This is not what he was doing chores. It was like – It was last year.

They're like, how much do you think – Where the fuck am I going to go? Like, okay, who else is going to – That is always the problem. I feel like if there was – Like if you weren't here, what do you think well where the fuck am i going to go like okay who else is that is always the problem i feel like if there was like if you weren't here what do you think you'd be doing uh you know people are like if i wasn't doing this i'd be dead yeah you'd be dead no it's not true it's bullshit i'd probably i'd be uh i don't know uh i think i'd work at a liquor store in a ski town that's probably where i'd probably. I'd probably make toys. You'd be like, what? I'd make toys. I'd whittle them. I'd like, you know...

Woodworking. Yeah. Okay. I recently watched Out Cold, and I was like, you know what? Because you know what? You're like the celebrity. Not the celebrity, but you're like the most well-liked person in that town. You know, they walk into the liquor store. Yo! Hey, John!

Bottle of Johnny Black? Here you go. I know you well. Small town liquor store owner is great. There's that small smell to liquor stores. You ever notice that? Smell? I don't know what it is. I feel like it's like the wooden floors or something. I just feel like I know what I'm going to look for.

It says a lot of cardboard in the back. It is very cardboardy. I mean, if it wasn't for now Amazon, I always said if I could go back in time, I would invest in cardboard because of Amazon. But prior to Amazon, I think liquor stores kept big cardboard propped up. Yeah. Just slicing those little dividers up. A lot of cardboard.

Big time. Big cardboard guy in a liquor store. But yeah, so you'd be woodworking, huh? Yeah, probably. I have a lot of flannel, I guess. Got to dress for the job you want. When KB got the job here, how long before you joined up after that? A year.

A year. And how was that year with KB working here and you not? I didn't even have his phone number. I didn't know the guy. I'm not joking. People were just like, come on, you could tell me. I swear to God. You did not know KB until he got the work job at Barcelona? No. But you are both from the same town.

The same village of less than 2,000 people. Bethlehem, West Virginia. But you had no idea who he was? No, I knew who he was, but we just weren't friends. I've never spoken to him, didn't have his phone number. No, he used me for a while. He DM'd me, he was like, hey, you're doing graphic design, right?

I was like, yeah, what's up, man? He didn't answer, what's up, man? He just sent me a job. He and was like, hey, you're doing graphic design, right? I was like, yeah, what's up, man? He didn't answer what's up, man. He just sent me a job. He was just like, hey, make this map. He was like, oh, but I bit off more than I can chew. Can you write some jokes for it? I did. He was like, you're alright at this. Do you want to work here? And I was like, fuck no.

Can I spit on KFC? I'm getting big into this woodworking right now, man. I don't have time to write jokes. I just started Whitland, Kyle. What the fuck? You know that. You do seem like a guy who hates Barstool Sports. No, no. Not at all.

Don't you think so? That's just like you. Not hate, but like you would make fun of virtually all. I mean, you do. I do. No, no. If you weren't here, I could see you being like just just roasting all of us no because i know there are some people that have been hired that have made fun of barstow

and tweets and uh not me at all not you couldn't be you no because i was just like if they offered me a job i would take it immediately which i did yeah and that that came about because of kb yeah yeah yeah so you owe him, you know. You pay tithes to KB? I've made up for it. I've made up for it. Yeah. Apparently he's become more human since I came around. Well, if this is more human, then I don't even want to know.

He's decided to become more human. I didn't even tweet it because I was like, there might be something wrong with him. Yeah. I mean, there is. There is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was like, I don't want to make fun. Yeah. And it was, we were having a... I mean, there is. There is, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was like, I don't want to make fun of this guy who I don't really know well enough yet because, like, this is clearly the work of a crazy person.

And it was when we were in... I forget what we were watching. It might have been Game of Thrones or something at the old office. And he came in to, like, a Game of Thrones watch party and just sat down with headphones on, like, radio. Like, didn't watch it, right? Like, he, like, watched it, but he just... it like radio cuba gooding jr yeah and it was like and he just had like music playing and he's kind of like bobbing his head and i was like he's just sitting in a room full of people listening to

music i like took a picture i was like look at the new guy but i was like wait the new guy might have some serious issues so it's like it's like kb and frank it's just like and tommy who's the most autistic out of those three so tommy has the gyrations and the flails i don't think tommy has ever put any weight on his left foot i think really he's always now do you stand like that i do recognize it's a full weight on the back leg on the front leg knee bent and he's it's crazy like that one leg's working overtime brother no i've never noticed that i try not to look at them um i don't know uh there's they they all excel um in their own special way excel is not the right word um i mean there's a spectrum for a reason, folks, and they

are all over that one. We're all on it. I was going to say, we talked about that recently. Don't you think the spectrum has become kind of a catch-all? Where everyone's just like, yeah, I'm on the spectrum. I don't know. I think you're just maybe a little bit weird. Well, yeah, I mean, the spectrum... I would say I'm on the spectrum,

but I'm not. I'm just weird. Yeah, I know what you mean, but you literally probably are. If you want to get medical about it, I bet some of your social quirks are on the very end of the light side. I'm scared to look anybody in the eye. Yeah, I guess that one's fun. Yeah, that's the one. That one's atop the list, the fact that I stare at a box of French fries. I mean my mother is like dead ass serious being like, oh, you know.

I thought you were going to say your mom was just dead. All right. She said like when we were growing up, had we grown up now, the things that we used to do, she would have been like, I would have like taken you to a doctor. Oh, my. You would have been diagnosed. My mother took me to a doctor multiple times. When you were a kid. Yeah.

She wasn't checking for autism, she was checking for retardation. She got a negative back and she went Are you sure? That's a false negative. That's pretty extreme to think that your son's retarded when he's just dumb. I love that it would just say that with negative.

Just like, stamp it down. What was the test for it? I was so young that like i wasn't even in like elementary school or anything like that yeah yeah and she's just like boy i mean by the way that's like you know a chromosomal thing like you get that tested when you're like in the womb and you find out you're not not yet which actually is that wasn't invented yet there was a lot there was a lot of misdiagnosis. Some people just had heavy jaws. I think my mom said that recently, where she's like,

when I was growing up, there was a special needs person. I don't know why she said what they were wearing. She said, there was a special needs person in a windbreaker on every corner. She said, you don't see special needs people anywhere anymore because they had the test, and people were like, yeah, no, never mind. We're not going

to do this. Yeah, Well, I mean, I paid extra money. I paid like a thousand bucks. You can find out early. You got to wait until like, I don't know, 16 weeks to do that test. But if you pay because they just want to milk you for your money, you can get it at like 12 weeks. And I was like, let's find out ahead of time.

I'm just going to think about this for the next four weeks. And also, you know, if there is, I want to know as soon as possible. I don't want. I'm just going to think about this for the next four weeks. And also, you know, if there is, I want to know as soon as possible. I don't want to go to Alabama. Are you a cigar guy, Nick? Cigar International is the way for you to dip your toe in the cigar world. Because I'll be honest, it's a little intimidating. I feel like you've got to be a certain kind of guy to really just know what you're doing with the cigar world.

You either got to be like Tom Brady who has to light them like every fucking two months to spark up a celebration. Or you got to be a true like guy's guy to really just have it like inherently like you know what kind they are, how to cut them, how to light them, how to smoke them. So then Cigar International comes along and kind of is a good way to introduce you to the cigar world. So if you like me and you've kind of watched people puff on a stogie and been like, you know what? I could get down with that, but I don't know how to. Cigar International can show you the way.

They have all the right choices for you to whatever you're looking for, really. They got all the good countries? All the big ones. Dominican Republic, Honduras, Ecuador, Bahamas, Nicaragua, America, you name it, they've got it. All the brands you know. Great deals. Daily cigar deals. Weekly specials.

They have a cigar of the month. They are all premium hand-rolled cigars. I actually weirdly think I've smoked a cigar in most of those countries. Yeah? Because when you go down to those countries, you're like, I'm going to smoke a cigar. I would say I've smoked a cigar and a half of those. DR? DR, yes.

Honduras? No. Honduras, no. Ecuador? Yep. Wait, no. El Salvador. Never mind.

Not Ecuador. That counts. Yeah, sure. I always forget that you're wealthy. You don't carry yourself that way. He's like, it's almost like a social experiment. I'm rich, but I'm just going to be a trash bag for the rest of my life. You're naming – you're spouting that off like West Virginia County's I've stepped on a rusty needle.

But yours requires like travel. I guess, yeah. It's like, oh, I've smoked premium cigars in all these countries. Kevin, these sound of countries that... Wait a second, say those again. No, it wasn't Ecuador, it was El Salvador. Or Bogota, perhaps, Colombia. Yeah, I've smoked a cigar there.

No, it wasn't the Alps. It wasn't the French Riviera. You're like a sneaky douche. Oh, yeah. I don't know anything sneaky about it, brother. It's pretty much straight up douche. You actually, you want to see something my cousin sent me just the other day? Which is like, I mean, it's actually, I think it's probably taken on like the same weekend

the famous picture that Tyler Wants to Fight was taken in. Oh, heavens to Betsy. It is the most douche pic of all time. Heavens to Betsy. It is the most douche pick of all time. Heavens to Betsy. First of all, you look... I'm going to show it to you in a second, Nick, but your torso is huge here. Your proportions and your legs. I think I look like sagging my badger shorts.

Yeah, your pants are so low and your shirt's tucked in. You look like an old man in this picture. It does make sense. You look like an old man. And who is this doesn't make sense. You look like an old man. And who is this tiny woman behind you that's towering over? That's my cousin. Towering over her. I mean, this is just atrocious.

I'm baffled, right? I don't understand. This looks like an illusion. Yes, right? I don't understand the proportions of you. I think the shirt is just huge. It should be, you know, like, it's just hard to, the legs of you. I think the shirt is just huge. It should be, you know, like... It's just hard to...

It looks like it was taken in 1946. Right. Which is also jarring. And he looks like, you know, it's almost like an Owen Wilson mixed with, like, McConaughey. That looks like you're related to you, but you're not you.

Yeah, that just doesn't... You look significantly better yeah i will say this is one of the worst pictures i've ever seen in my life i'll take that but you know what it's a douche pic and you're leaning up against uh like uh the 67 corvette if you had a nice cigar in your hand you probably would be looking a lot better pal so whether you are a uh a pro cigar guy whether you're a veteran in the game you can get all the high quality cigars and know what you're talking about or you're looking to get into it, Cigar International is the perfect way to get into it. It'll help you relax.

It's a perfect way to spend a weekend afternoon. When you're on the golf course, you can light one up, sitting around the fire in the summertime, whenever, wherever you're trying to kick back and enjoy a cigar with the boys, Cigar International got you covered. Right now, get 10% off plus free shipping when you go to cigars, S cigars international.com and use promo code KFC when you're ready to check out. Wait, when you said cigars with an S, that implies

S-I-G. Sorry, you're right. Cigars, plural. Cigars with an S at the end, international.com promo code KFC and start lighting up those cigars today. Do they send you cigars with an S at the end, international.com promo code KFC and start lighting up those cigars today. Do they send you cigars? Yeah. What am I doing wrong?

Well, tell me, brother. Tell me about a new untold story. Can you even? We have a new episode coming out Friday. If you're listening to this in the future, probably not. Probably not doing it anymore. We talk about an obese emo girl

named Grace. She went to school and she went out with Kyle. Wait, is she real? Oh, she's real? She was huge. I feel like I've heard many a tale of KB going after the larger one.

Is that true? Yeah. But this was his biggest conquest. I've heard many a tale of KB going after the larger one. Always. Is that true? Yeah. But this was his biggest conquest. This was his Moby Dick? Yeah, quite. Quite. No, she was an emo girl, so she wore all black. So she looked like a solar eclipse, but she had the weight of a Mitsubishi eclipse.

And so... Is that a line in the show? Maybe. Yeah, but Grace. We called her Three, Grace, not because she liked the band, because that was her life expectancy at all times. So listen, this is a real person you're talking about. It was. It's been three days.

I one time I hooked up with this chick. She came to New York. I know you're fucking lying. She came to New Yorkork i live in the suburbs though like first suburb outside the city and so it was very much like a booty call situation sure she like i think i mean she was like i have like 45 minutes but i was like okay like it's not gonna work and she's like no no i'm still gonna come so she hopped in an uber came into my apartment got the job job done sent her back on her way i was like okay that was really convenient

and she was like i'm, that was really convenient. And she was like, I'm going to go like hang out in the city and party with, you know, young people, whatever. And then that night, I'm looking on social media. She's hanging out with KB. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, this happened recently? You know, last year-ish.

Very nice. Yeah, you lost her and i remember i was like and we were i was kind of like let's you know keep some discretion here and whatever then i see her hanging out like with a barstool person i was like uh she was like no don't worry don't worry i was like what is happening right yeah but it was like all of a sudden i see like her and her girlfriends and like in kb and i want to i mean for all i know maybe you were in that picture i I just don't know who you were at that point. I was like, what the fuck is going on? KB is everywhere at all. Like he's everywhere. It's unbelievable.

The little Carmen Sandiego motherfucker. You never know who's going to pop up. I just remember. And that was like, I'm still, KB still makes me very nervous as do you. So I was just like, what is going on? So what did she see in both of you? There has to be crossover, Kevin. There's not much that I would say.

If you were into me, would you be into KB and vice versa? I can't imagine that being. Like if you were into John, you'd probably be into me. We're kind of like similar. Just bland people. Yeah, whereas KB is like this weirdo wrestler for West Virginia. No, you guys have more crossover than you'd think. Oh, yeah. Like what?

You both have fat asses. I noticed when you did the Tommy pose. I do have a fat ass. Kevin's ass is way fatter than you'd think. Kevin hides it a lot. I think he's embarrassed of his beautiful, bucksome ass. Our seats are at the same height right now. I got chunk to it, man.

I think you've read it on air before, but what size waist pants do you have to buy? No, it's not that crazy. What I have to do is I have to wear XL underwear. That's the problem. That's what I'm talking about. You have to get like a 38 waist. No, no, no.

Oh, okay. That would be tough. No, I, no, no. Oh, okay. Heavens to besties. That would be tough. No, I'm like a 34. Oh, okay. But if I put on large, like I'm large everything, large sweatpants, large, large. Then I put on large boxers and it's like, nope, not happening. My dick's all smushed up and my ass is like ripping through it.

I got to get that XL. One time, and I didn't even realize it until I was in college. It was my freshman year. We were walking. I had to walk down the hallway. It was one of those communal bathrooms. So I was just wearing a towel, and I was getting catcalled by a bunch of chicks. Hell yeah.

And they were like, ow, ow. Look at that fat ass. And I was like, oh my god. I was like, Jesus Christ. My ass is concave, so I'm very self-conscious. So KB's got the ass in the group. Yeah. In the duo. yeah yeah it fits perfectly into mine so a new untold story is um out every friday

it comes out on certain days so we don't have a schedule uh yeah that's just what does sales say about that uh you know are there ads on A New Untold Story? Yeah. We have three ads this episode. And you just kind of tell the sponsor, hey, it's happening. The ads are longer than the podcast. I'm not even joking in this light. Carrying that mixtape mantle.

We'll carry on the trend there. So we wanted to have you on because today have no idea why. Today is a somber day. Today we have to pay homage to one of the greats, Rush Limbaugh. He passed away at the age of 70. One of the all-time guys who you just really aspire to be and look up to. What was your favorite Rush Limbaugh quote?

Was it the one where he said, football games are like bloods and crips without weapons? Or did you enjoy the segment where he read the names of gay people who died of AIDS? So they're all classics. I'm just feeling pity for every uncle out there who's just, you know, going to have to... What are you going to do with those three hours

a day when you'd be listening to your bigoted radio? Yeah, I know. What are they going to talk about every holiday? They're just going to say a slur under their breath and go about their day. They're going to have to be holiday? They're just going to say a slur under their breath and go about their day. They're going to have to be strong. Rush Limbaugh dying is kind of the last bastion of inappropriate thoughts and behaviors.

Rush was the one. Who's going to say it now? Nobody. You're going to have to keep it to yourself. You're going to take up the mantle? You know what? If you want me to i will i love it i remember when i worked uh a landscaping one summer and we would the owner of the company

would drive a truck and then we would kind of be all piled in the back and it was it was on martin's vineyard so like martin has a very big um brazilian community so it was like me and a bunch of brazilian guys in the back of a truck. And then he would just listen to Rush Limbaugh the whole time. And I was like, this is, like, downright offensive just to force a bunch of Brazilian guys back here to be like, you guys want to listen to some right wing conspiracy radio? They thought they were about to hear Tom Sawyer. He was like, you want to listen to Rush? He was like, yeah, I love Geddy Lee.

I love his bass lines. He was like, all right, no. Not? He's like, yeah, I love Geddy Lee. I love his bass lines. He's like, alright, no. Not that Rush. I was surprised he was only 70. I would have guessed he was older. He's been doing it for a while. Imagine just spitting racism for like 30, 40 years straight. It ages a man.

Yeah, apparently. I mean, he probably made some bank too, though, huh? You're 15 years old. So who do you think you'll listen to now that your rush hours are gone? That's good. That's pretty good. You know, I don't know. I don't know.

You don't have a favorite racist radio host? Alex Jones. Yeah, he's your guy now. Yeah. I mean, maybe you should give him back a platform. You know, maybe he could be a host on... We would gladly take him. We would gladly...

You two and Alex Jones would be... On a new untold story? Yeah. That would be unbelievable. I'm going to have to... I'm sending an email right after this that's a guy who he's he's given i'll give him three more days he'll be dead with grace that dude is he is if you if you've listened to anything he's done recently he's like i'm on my

way out i don't have much left here on this he is so red he's so scarlet he makes he makes you look beige i was just gonna say and i say the same type of thing. If you're a medium, if you are medium rare steak, he is like full blown raw. He is raw Kobe beef, marbled to perfection. My favorite thing ever was when he did the ad for the weight loss pills. The before and after? It was the most obvious, like he just sat in a tanning bed for too long and then took the after picture. He didn't change his pants. He didn't do anything.

He just did. It was bone white, like Robert Pattinson in Twilight. They're like, you're contractually not allowed to go outside because you need to be exceptionally white. And then it just turned into a borderline offensive to Native Americans. It was the Alex football team. Yeah. I mean, he would fit in, though. I feel like, you know, he'd have a good time with the boys, the fellas.

He is the big homie to me. And right now, that homie is pressed. Yes. Big time. Yes. big homie to me yeah and right now that homie is pressed yes big yeah yes uh will there be any this league and anus crossover i've i offered i uh i asked um we'll see we'll see i i have a lot of things i want to talk about i love uh peja stojakovic and his thick Eastern European body hair. We could rant about that for a little bit. Peja Stojakovic has to comb his shoulder. Unbelievable. You've got to put the hair product in it.

Some guys have all the luck. Was KB jealous of you when you were on Surviving Barstool? God, no. No? You were getting all that exposure. Team Nick, Team Nick. I don't like that like that either no you don't like the attention no interesting i know uh i mean i feel like you were the you were the bell of the ball

uh with with surviving barstool yeah and i was just girls loved you the guys wanted to be you you're making money you're you know and i was just trashing the show i was just making fun of it every time i was like i don't want to be here. Fuck this. I couldn't tell. I never can tell with you. Because I did feel like by the end you wanted to win and you were taking it seriously. I was a day away from $10,000. But up until that day you were not taking it seriously? No.

I didn't ever know. The running joke I was making all week was that you didn't want to be here. And then all of a sudden I was like, maybe he wants to be here. When I got to like one day away, I was like, yeah, I'm going to try. We got here. Let's finish here. You're not going to quit at mile 24 of the marathon. No.

I would. I would. I totally would. You said that? You said that? Dude, like the thought, that's obviously two more miles. Like I couldn't run two miles right now. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Two more miles after 24. I'm like, yeah, okay, I'm done. That wasn't a random number. My sister ran the Boston Marathon and we thought she died at mile 24. She was like, no, I sat down.

I was fucking tired. Yeah. I fucking love quitting. They should teach it in school. Quitting, canceling plans, giving up, abandoning. It's my bag, dude. It's my scene.

There's nothing better than just being like, nope, not going to do that. Yeah, it's just... Brother, I wasn't going to show up to this. I just couldn't finish my french fries and nobody else wanted them. I ended up here. It was about 2.15 and I said,

does Nick know he's supposed to come in here? And John said, I don't know. That's a good question. There was a chance you just... I do have to go to TJ Maxx. I leave to Michigan tomorrow. Oh, wow. That sounds like something you definitely are interested in. What are you going to be doing?

Are you going to be gambling? No. I'm going to the upper peninsula of Michigan. For what? Racing sled dogs. Oh. Mm-hmm. Oh, I thought it was like a pen thing.

Yeah. So I'm like the face of gambling content, so they do want me there. Is this a Donnie KB excursion? Yeah. We've kind of shoehorned. You know, like Caleb and Roan get to go to Miami and L.A. Fuck that. Yeah, let's go to the bitter cold, especially right now when the country is like negative 15 everywhere.

We have an awesome interview with a huge celebrity, the inventor of the hamburger, who's just lying. We looked it up. Definitely lying. He just has a building with a hamburger on the roof and said he's the inventor. When did he say he invented it? No one's called him on this?

Like, not that long ago. Because I'm pretty sure it didn't, you know, there was a movie about McDonald's, I think, when they made the burger in like 1930-something. Yeah, no, and this man is like, 50? He's like, yeah, I invented the hamburger. I kind of like those. Not the cheeseburger.

He has an agent who's being a diva, and they're like, don't bring up the cheeseburger. Because like- There will be no talk of a chicken sandwich. There will be no talk of a cheeseburger. What do you have to do to invent the hamburger? Just drop a meatball. Like, oh, this isn't round. I'm looking at it right now.

Does he have a... Search, like, Mackinac, Michigan hamburger guy. Okay, so the first result is 1900. Right. I imagine he wasn't around for it. What? Does he have a restaurant that he sells this in? As far as i know he just has a museum a hamburger museum yeah and it probably tastes like shit i'm sure now what

do you think he thinks about like the double cheeseburger is there someone else out there who's like i just doubled your cheeseburger and made it better you know what i love that dude who's just like oh you invented the hamburger uh yeah give me two no i don't need another bun that's that's that's the Bill Gates of hamburger, you know? Oh, nice Lotus 123. Pow, it's Microsoft Excel. Thank you very much. I just made...

Look at the... So this is what he claims he invented, Jackie? This is the guy? I don't know how to spell Mackinac. Mackinac, Michigan. Just search, like, Michigan first hamburger inventor. Does it look like a McDonald's hamburger? That's like a very thin patty and shitty...

No, it's like just a – maybe go to just – Is that him, Samuel Blair? No, no. Who is this man that we can't even find on Google, Nick? We're fucking going with Donnie, and Donnie is so anti-hotel. We're staying at a stoolies hunting lodge with an outhouse. Why is Donnie anti-hotel? I don't think he'd do that.

Dude, so we went. I can't say this on the show. Say it and we'll edit it. Promise me you'll censor out the R word that I said earlier. That would be funnier anyway. They'll think I said something worse. I'll make a deal, yeah. We can't say this on the radio.

Because the guy is a very nice man. He lodged us in Indiana. And he's a horrible person? No, great guy. Very generous man. I can't say it. I can't say it. So are you going to call this guy out and be like,

you were a fucking liar, you didn't invent the hamburger? Yes. Yeah. I mean, what was the... You're just on the Wikipedia for hamburger. First she tried hamburger.com. We're teaching Jackie about the internet. I said she's 21 going on like 81.

She has no idea how to use the internet yet. Jackie's like www. You just said Mission Hamburger Inventor and I typed that in and this is what came up. What was the interview? It was an awkward interview when you guys were dressed up like Christopher Columbus because you're racist cultural appropriators. That's right. You were in the room with the – oh, that was Ken Bone, right?

Yeah, Ken Bone. That was a contentious interview. Very topical man. We pounced on him while the iron was hot. Five years later. Yeah. Yeah, he was something. We knock on his door, and he just opens up, and he's like, I didn't give you permission to film.

We're off to a very bad start. I kind of like that, though. Establish dominance on you motherfuckers. I'll tell you how this is going to go. Take off your shoes. And we're like, all right. And they're like, hey, we know you don't have the red sweater anymore but thank you for wearing a red shirt coincidence all right all right ken it's ken's world you're just living yeah you know what you should have done is asked

to uh like go through his porn history with him yes pull up pull up yeah he has the most emo son ever yeah yes the biggest longest bang i've ever seen in my life. What's his name? You haven't seen a long bang in a long time. Search Ken Bone's emo son. What's his name? Do you know? Franklin Bone. That's a great last name for an emo kid. Anybody, actually. I was going to say, you can have a great time with

Logan Bone. Logan Bone. The Logue Bone. Oh yeah, he loves guns. He's an emo kid that loves guns. We're off to aogue Bone. Oh, yeah. He loves guns. He's an emo kid that loves guns. We're off to a horrible start. That is really fucking funny. Logan Bone. No, that's too early.

We need the bang. But that is him? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's Logue's. The Logue Dog. I mean, Logan Bone, he sounds like a real pussy killer, you know? Yeah.

You know who my father is? Bringing home pregnant chicks for dad. Are you an exercise guy? No. Do you think that you could maybe benefit from doing a little jump rope? I mean, for the sake of an ad, yes. I feel like you'd be more of a double Dutch guy. I could see you in KB.

Playground games. Definitely. I had the braids and beads on the ends. Oh, yeah. Well, Feidelberg is a crossrope guy. Feitz is jumping rope with a weighted rope. Is that why you have the rope in your closet? Yeah.

It actually is right next to my closet. I keep it in a little bag right by the closet. It is probably a strange place to keep it. But yeah, that's where I keep my crossrope. And that's why he's in good shape. I hate to admit it. Yeah, I mean, I'm not, but okay. Well, like at least two weeks ago you were.

And you could be two weeks out and you're fat again. But all you got to do is start skipping some rope with crossrope again. You'll be back in no time. It gets you back there real, real fast. They've got the weighted rope that's what, like 20 pounds or something? No, heavens no. They're all light. They're all like, they're a lot lighter than you.'ve got the weighted rope that's, what, like 20 pounds? No, heavens no. They're all light. They're all, like, they're a lot lighter than you.

I thought there was one that's, like, heavy, though. No, it's thick and it's heavy, but it's just not that heavy. It's two pounds. Thick and heavy. It sounds like my dragon car. Quarter pound, half pound, one pound, two pound. Oh, wow. I thought there was one that was, like, vroom.

No, but, like, you do have to do that. Yeah, yeah. It's just only two pounds. So they've got the different ropes, the different handles, and they've got an app where you can do different workout programs. There's the Get Lean program, the Get Strong program. There's one that has both combined. So whether you're looking for a cardio workout or to build muscle,

it does it all in one shot, which is the good thing to me because I don't want to run. I don't want to run and then have to lift. I don't want to just lift without anything pumping me. That sounds awesome, but is there some sort of deal? You know what? It's funny you say that because you can save $40 right now on the CrossFit, on the CrossRope.

I mean, I couldn't believe it myself. I said there's just no possible way. How can one go about this? It's when you go to CrossRope.com slash KFC. Go to CrossRope.com slash KFC. You will get the $40 off on the whole kit, which comes with all the different ropes. And you can download the app and do the Get Fit bundle. It's CrossRope.com slash KFC.

You want to do some M.O. the Assholes with Nick? Sure. Does Nick want to do that? Yeah, let's do it. But first of all, I'm going to make a plea to advertisers out there. We want one promo code that's John. One promo code John for you, and that would be great. I want some limelight.

Oh, okay. So you're sick of the KFC. Yeah, I want my kid to get a promo code. I want my man. I want my little bro to get a promo code. I thought you were like, you want it for anus. No, no, no. That would be great if it was just promo code John.

There's no John on the show. You know what? You should get the crossroad promo code. You earned that one. That and the HelloFresh. The HelloFresh is a big one. Okay, here we go. Am I the asshole for telling my roommate he can't have a red room?

What's a red room? I had to put a euphemism in the title. I've never read Fifty Shades of Grey, but I basically understand it means sex room. That's what he's trying to do. Our third roommate moved out, but we both make more money now and honestly didn't need to invite a third person. My roommate wants to convert the other old roommate's room into a sex

haven. This guy doesn't even really get laid. I've never protested him doing it in his room. Now he wants a sex room. I think he's just been really horny in quarantine without a girlfriend. I told him we weren't going to have a sex room and he told me I was being an asshole. I said that we both need to agree on what to do with the room

and I didn't want it to become a sex room. Sex room a lot. He asked me if I had any better ideas. And I admittedly don't. He said that it should at least become a sex room until I do. And he said it shouldn't bother me because he won't be having anyone in there until quarantine is over anyway. I asked what the point of having a sex room was then if he's not going to use it, and he asked me what's the point of not having one.

You got me there, brother! I don't want a fucking sex room in my house. Am I the asshole? At the start of this, I would have said no. Now I think this guy's the asshole. This guy made a compelling argument. The dude that wants the sex room, 100%, he's terminal.

He has some sort of tumor, and he's like, this is something I need. He doesn't want to break it to him yet. That is the most – yeah, that guy is dying. I think – you know what's just an ironclad argument is, well, why not? Yeah. Because we can't do this. This is mine and my roommate's sex room. You can't share sex room. That I agree with. So if you're going to have a red room, because we can't do this. This is mine and my roommate's sex room. Like you can't share that.

That I agree. So if you're going to have a red room, that's got to know. If you're close with a roommate, I think you can share a sex room. You would share a sex room with me. Yeah. Yeah. I'd share a sex room with you. Would you like get mad at him for not wiping it down?

Yeah. Well, yeah. You got to treat it like a planet fitness. You got to give it a good scrub afterwards. But you know how that goes. The notoriously clean planet. I was going to say people just take a, you know. There's more cum in Planet Fitness than there are sex rooms. I mean, in a New York City Planet Fitness, definitely.

No, see, you know, the thing is, there's not a lot of cum in a Planet Fitness. There's a lot of cum in, like, the high-end places. No, I disagree. I think it's, specifically in New York, I think it's like the New York sports clubs come everywhere. Well, but that's what I mean. I feel like even like sports club is a tier above Planet Fitness. I mean, it is, but as someone who's worked at a New York sports club, it's really not that much above.

No, I guess not. A lot of rusty fucking, not needles, rusty dumbbells there. Everything was like, huh, this isn't very good. The rusty dumbbell sounds like something you might be getting in the gym locker room. I gave him the rusty dumbbell. I think I would agree you probably need to have your own sex room. Because you're going to have your own dildos.

If you're going to use a bench, I'll use the same bench as you. But that's what I mean. I've fucked with the same couch as roommates before. What's the difference? You only make a sex room when you have a partner that's into that. You don't bring somebody back and just be like, hey, are you into sex rooms? That's a surefire way to do it.

Yeah, no, me either. Just don't go upstairs. Second door on the right. Nope, nope, never mind. Never mind. Never mind. Go to the other one. Go to the other one.

I mean, having a sex room in general is... But guess what? You know what? I also disagree with that. Like, if I went to someone's house, like, if I went home with a girl, and she was like... Yes, you are a male. Yeah, I guess it's – but I mean –

If I went home with a girl and she said, here's my sex room, I'd be like, yeah. No way. No way. Because I'd be like, I'm never going to make a sex room, but I'd love to have a foray into a sex room. You know what it is? It's almost like – what do they say about like boats, pools, and horses, whatever. It's like you want a friend who has that. Right, right, right.

You know what I mean? I want a friend. I want a girl who has the red room of pain. Or a friend. I'm sold on having a friend. I'm sold on it. I just want a friend. I'm notoriously unhorny.

Let's make a sex room in your place. I'll come up to Westchester when I want a fucking sex room. Honestly, I have a bedroom for each of the kids, and they really kind of only hang out in one. I'll just... My laundry room will also be my sex bedroom of pain. Like, just don't mind me. I got to switch the laundry. You guys keep doing your thing.

Don't worry. I don't think I like anything enough to have a room dedicated towards it. That's true. Like, even, like, television. No. I don't. Well, I mean, you do.

You have like a living. You have your couch. You have a room dedicated to that. You don't even quite like living. I don't like living enough to have a room. That's also for music and hosting. There's like, I wouldn't just have a TV room. I don't think I would have anything.

Do you have like a room? Brother, my apartment. So I live in the smallest apartment in New York City. Are you solo? Yeah. But yeah, the Yaks are doing a push-up challenge over quarantine. And I entered. I can't lay down.

There's not enough room for me to do a push-up. That's not true. Promise you. It's all vertical space. I don't have any ceilings. Really high ceilings. Very high ceilings. But I just come home after a long day of work and stand.

You're like Veal. You're stuck in a place where you can't move. Yeah. You've got to be kidding me. You can't lay down. I can't even lean because one wall is just a window. My apartment is the width of the window. And then the other wall is like the counter with the sink.

And then the other wall is like a ladder to get sink. And then the other wall is like a ladder to get up to where I sleep. You have like a loft? Yeah. And that's where you take the honeys? No. It's two and a half feet tall. Are you strictly OA games?

No. I don't think you understand my prowess. Or lack thereof. Okay, so what are we saying final consensus here though? I think no I think I think the guy who can have a red room I think he is the asshole for not having his head because also like it's like anything look if you don't want to do what I do bring something better to the table he's giving

well that that's that guy's fault just say any other room any office yeah I want another TV room I want an office I want like a fucking studio workout room what kind of person dives in like I want an office. I want like a fucking studio. Workout room. Yeah. What kind of person dives in like, I'm into this now. I'm buying everything. Like start out with something like.

Well, that's the thing too. I guarantee this guy is, you know, he's probably like fucking some girl who's into it. He gets a whole room. She breaks up with him. And then it's like, well, now what? It's like when you buy all the workout equipment and then you just, you know, your treadmill just becomes like a coat hanger. Yeah.

He's going to be hanging his clothes from a fucking It's always when you meet a girl you start to pretend to like what she likes. I started listening. I'm not going to do that ever again. Things you'll do for a pussy whipped idiot.

Alright, so then, yeah, listen. Either come up with something better or let your roommate have a fuck room. Prude. Am I the asshole for planning family vacations that I know my sister-in-law can't afford? I, 27 female, come from a large family with two sisters and two brothers. My younger brother got married in college and they both dropped out and moved to L.A. to make the acting and singing thing work, which failed, by the way.

They now work as bartenders and do some music tutoring on the side. My family has a tradition of going on a big summer and winter vacation every year. We pick cool places we want to visit, and it's always a good time. Our kids love them. However, younger brother and sister-in-law can never afford these vacations, and my father refuses to help them out because he's always disappointed in them. Jesus. That's a hard J.

A hard D. This year after the pandemic ends, we're planning on vacations in Japan and Iceland for our next two. My sisters and I get really excited about planning these and posted about it in our family group chat. My sister-in-law talked to us about it during Christmas and said she was hurt that she could never come on these things and asked me if there was a way for them to kind of bring the cost down.

I told her I didn't think it was very fair to ask my entire family and our children to get worse accommodations and lessen the quality of our vacations just to make her happy. And for her to ask my parents multiple times a year because they're falling behind on rent money. The rest of the family pretty much agreed with me and sister-in-law and brother-in-law got pissed at us and went no contact which usually lasts a couple months till they come crawling back he's using a lot of harsh adjectives like disappointed and crawling back to my father needing cash, am I the asshole?

Nick? I don't understand how people are poor just like make more that's on her I no i've always said that where i don't care about spending money i just need more money i'll just make more money yeah no i i grew up pretty poor and so like my parents always try to sell me on staycations yeah and just like come on we're gonna check this place out. Be like, I've been. I've fucking been. It's down the block, mom. Yeah. No, not for me.

No. So, no, go on two vacations. Go on a cheap family one, then go on your own. That's a pretty reasonable answer. Yeah, I think the idea of family vacations, when you're talking about in-laws and everything, it's like, you can't, you know, you're trying to loop in too many people with too many preferences and styles and shit, you know? When you do in-laws, like, we're bringing in people I don't even really care about. That's what I'm saying.

It's like when you go on a family vacation, it's like the parents decide where they want to go, and the kids, like, have to go. That's just how it goes, right? But then when you're bringing in other adults who have their own economic situation, all that shit, you just can't do it. No, it's like trying to do something here at Barstool where you're trying to get ten schedules on the same thing.

Like, we've done Whoop, what, twice? Ever? I mean, we can't ever get anybody lined up. Can't get everyone here. Imagine if we all had to travel somewhere for like a week together. I think my thought, my feeling on in-laws and shit, I think you should never have to hang out with them. No.

I think that you should always spend your own holidays with your own families until you have a kid until you have kids you have to start like your own kind of traditions or your own family and even then it's still like you get you start that when they're like seven or eight and they can remember i think you should always do shit with your own family fuck the in-laws i actually crazy i mean why especially like sit like like if i have to hang out with like your wife if we're in a family. You know what I mean? It's like you have to deal with some in-laws because you married that girl.

But I shouldn't have to deal with your – Absolutely not. Like fuck that. I don't even know these people. I was misunderstanding the word in-laws and just thinking of it as something completely different. I was just thinking anyone outside of your immediate family. Oh, like just even aunts and uncles and cousins and shit? Yeah, I'm down with that.

I don't like those people either. No, I don't know. It is so normal to dislike your family. Yeah, yeah. Like, don't try to force it by doing a vacation. I got text messages

with my cousin. It's just birthdays. I don't even have my cousin's phone number. Yeah, I usually, like, every year I get it from my mom. She's like,

it's, you know, this so-and-so's birthday. You gotta send, like, say happy birthday. I say, happy birthday, cuz. Thanks, man. And then, like,-so's birthday. You got to say happy birthday. Happy birthday, cuz. Thanks, man. And then three months later, it's my birthday. Happy birthday, cuz.

Thanks, man. And it's like, why are we doing this? That's actually fun, though. Like, who's going to be the first to stop? Yeah, right. What are you going to stop eventually? Right. I think it should be you.

It's probably going to be me. I think I missed this year. I think we already broke that trend. Yeah, we're good. I don't like wishing birthdays. I don't think that's necessary. I'm not a birthday wish guy. I didn't pick good. I don't like wishing birthdays. I don't think that's necessary. I'm not a birthday wish guy. I didn't pick it.

I didn't do anything for that. Right. Why am I happy about you? I would have stopped it if I could. But, no. What do you think about wishing a girl a happy birthday, though? Doesn't matter? No.

I mean, definitely wishing a guy a happy birthday is ridiculous. It's ridiculous. But a girl is like, you know. You mean like a random girl on the street or you mean like your girlfriend? No, like maybe somewhere in between. A girl you know but you're not dating, a co-worker or a friend. I just don't do it because I don't remember. I don't use Facebook anymore.

That's all I had Facebook for. And now I just don't know anyone's birthday. I think you were born in March. Okay. March 7th. Close. Is that your brother's birthday? My brother's birthday is March 14th.

Okay. You're March 9th? Nope. March 5th. Close. Is that your brother's birthday? My brother's birthday is March 14th. Oh, right. You're March 9th? Nope. March 5th. Nope. Okay. Am I hot or cold here? I mean, you said 7 and 5, and I was like, yeah! Oh, 6. Yeah, there we go. March 6th. Me, Shaquille O'Neal, Michelangelo, the painter.

Maybe the turtle. I don't know. We don't know when his birthday is. Alright, not bad. When's your birthday? I don't like people knowing. Totally normal thing to say. I don't know. Okay. We don't know when his birthday is. All right. Not bad. When's your birthday? I don't like people knowing. Totally normal thing to say. I don't want people. Why? See, I think it's almost pretentious to be the way you are now. Really?

It's a delicate dance where it's like, you don't want to be like, it's my birthday, sash and fucking tiara, like my birthday week. But then it's also weird when you're like, I don't want anyone to know my birthday. It's like, I don't know. Whatever. It's your fucking birthday. Now, you're making a big deal out of it. My birthday is the same day as when

Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated to spark World War I. So we should really, on that day, I'm not going to wish you a happy birthday. I'm going to be like, it's a somber moment. Yeah. You really fucked things up, Franz. I remember when I first heard about the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

and I was like, holy shit, that's crazy. There's a band with the same name. Yeah, what a coincidence. What a coincidence. I was like floored by that. Like, what are the odds? I remember there was like a creepy crawly and I was like that's a beetle. You were like, a what?

What the fuck? You're not going to believe this, Nick. We got any more? One more and then we'll do some voicemails. My podcast is 22 minutes. This is like Lord of the Rings director's cut. And now I'm watching the DVD commentary.

We're almost done. Don't worry. Don't worry. No, no, I'm good, I'm good Am I the asshole if I tell my wife I don't want to have kids with her Because I don't think she'll care for them well I mean, you just gotta choose a better wife That's on you, man

You've obviously had the kid talk And you've agreed I mean, if there's any mitigating details here, I'd be stunned. I, a 32-year-old male, have been married to my wife, 29-year-old female, for seven years. We've discussed having kids. See, right there. You can't be 32 years old and married for seven years. You got married too young.

We have discussed having kids before. But we always said we'll wait a couple years until our careers are more stable. We've been enjoying our child-free lives, but about a year back, we decided things were going pretty well for us and thought it was about time we had our baby. Working from home also frees up a lot of time for extracurricular activities. Oh, you mean fucking. We haven't had any luck so far, but we're mentally having the when it happens, it happens mentality. It's very frustrating reading Reddit writers because they're not very good

at it. So we're not rushing anything. Sometime around October last year, wife suggested that we get a puppy. We're both animal lovers and we thought it was a great time since both of us would be at home and we could watch over it and house train it. We got the puppy and we both love him dearly, but ever since we got him, I've had to bathe, feed, and clean up after him.

Don't get me wrong. She helps out as well. But I would say it's a 90-10% ratio. It gets extremely tiring after a while and sometimes I want to kick my feet up, have a beer, and watch TV without being interrupted with, hey, the puppy just peed. Can you come clean it up? I mean, that's an insane question to ask. It carried on for a couple of months and a couple of nights ago.

A couple of nights ago, after a long Zoom session for work, I exploded and told her that she needs to do her share of looking around after the puppy. And I'm tired of being the one who does all the work. She told me I was being calculative and trying to undermine her. I told her. Where did we go here? I told her. I exploded and told her. So she just sucks at taking care of dogs. Yeah, I told her

that it's clear that I've been doing all the work and all that she wants to do is play with the puppy. This is where I might have gone too far. I told her I can't trust her to look after our puppy. How can I trust her looking after a baby? We had a baby. I won't be able to clean up after him all the time and she had to do her share as well. She screamed at me, burst into tears, left the house. She's been saying to her parents for a few days now

but things don't really seem to be improving. Her parents are telling me it's a horrible thing to say as looking after the puppy is not the same as a baby. Whatever. You know why she's crying so much? She knows he's right. But I will say I do get very annoyed when people talk uh having a dog being the same as a baby because it's wildly not but in this case it's like if you can't do one you probably can't do the other but also at the same time i don't know there's no genetic connection to it that's what i'm saying

yeah like i've had iguanas and i was like i don't care if you die or not you had an iguana you said you pluralized that like cig No, I think it was only one. It was Godzilla. That's a good iguana name. Solid. I was like, yeah. You know, I would have named my iguana King Kong. Just to fuck.

Yeah. That's why you're fucking twisted, little bro. He would get out and I wouldn't even tell my parents. Wherever he is. I had a lizard once and I let it go. So it was a chameleon. So I used to put like cool shit in the in the tank to like colorful you know what i mean and then one time it got like spots

all over it and i was looking at the cage and i was like there's nothing in there that's spotted i think you just had like some weird disease and i just let him go in the backyard i was like i don't know yeah so it's probably somewhere in like the woods of pennsylvania there's like a freak fucking giant lizard running around um uh anyway I do think when chicks have babies, they, you know, something kicks in. They become different. If she's a bad mom. Annoying.

And they really want to take care of the kids. If you really think she'll be bad, have the kid. Just be like, this is your thing. And then hit her with the biggest told you so. Right as soon as that little tiny casket is going into the ground. Won't it be sweet? Won't it be sweet?

Won't it be sweet when you look at her your mouth in it to her? Whispering it to her in the service? Yeah. I fucking told you this was gonna happen. You only need one pallbearer. He's holding it like a pizza. Honestly, it's crazy, but that would be the biggest, the best feeling of I'm right ever.

You only need one year on that tombstone. You save money. This is the most offensive segment in this podcast. I need you to... We gotta play the tape. I truly gasped when he said, casket. I was like... What did I tell you? That's gotta be the best

feeling of vindication. If there's anything to brighten up the day your kid dies, it's that you called it. High-fiving your buds. Fucking hold that shit with coming down the pipeline, man. I saw it coming from a mile away. And you didn't stop it? Sometimes you've got to prove a point, Rick. You know how they usually lower them into the

yeah it doesn't even make a noise you do the Jordan drug look Rick if I didn't let her kill this kid she was just gonna keep asking me how else was she gonna learn and then you know what everyone wins

you don't have kids anymore she shuts the fuck up and you have a dog yeah amazing And then you know what? Everyone wins. You don't have kids anymore. She shuts the fuck up. Then you have a dog. Yeah. You take care of her. Amazing. Well, if you do fall in love and you find the right girl and you are on the same page and you want to make a family together, you got to go to BlueNile.com to make sure you get the right jewelry, get the right engagement gift, get the right Valentine's Day gift, birthday gift, anniversary gift.

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Pearl. Pearl. Do you really know that? Yeah. I don't think I know what my birthstone is. I think it's green. That's just a color. Yeah, but I just think that stone is green.

Emerald. August birthstone. Onyx august birthstone onyx uh period period yeah it's with a d a t at the end period period yeah what is that it's probably like period period or something yeah that's the worst one yeah big time or sardonyx could i have two yeah yeah i think it kind of like yeah that happens uh yeah i mean if you want to, you got to. It is green. I was right, by the way. Oh, and August has three birthstones.

Look at those fat sausage fingers. I was just thinking about trying to get you a ring. I'd have to be like, what size would this thing be? You'd have to buy him a bangle to fit on those things. You know, remember Jason Sehorne? Remember him? Cornerback. He broke his fingers so bad uh when he got married his

his ring clasps oh it goes right because he just like hooks it around because his fucking knuckle so fat that'd be you we were doing a a commercial today um yeah we were i'm gonna be famous bro you'll see yeah i was supposed to be on that yeah where were you didn't show i ended up sidling right next to the star. I'm going to be all up in that fucking commercial. Yeah, I hope I don't look ugly. But the reason I bring it up is because we had fake glasses of vodka. You can't actually drink on sets.

Oh, this is unbelievable. And everyone was just full of ice and stuff. And my ice just melted so fast because my hands are so fucking fat. And I was like, I had a full frosty glass of ice. stuff, and my ice just melted so fast because my hands are so fucking fat. I had a full, frosty glass of ice. Not even a single cube. It was just water and a lime. I don't know why, but that is repulsive.

His hooves were generating so much heat. I think the water started to boil a little. I don't like that. Your hands are like a Bunsen burner. I got very in my own head about it. I kept sneaking extra ice. I'm like, wait, never mind. Mine's still good. I got cold hands.

It was horrifying. When this hand gets wrapped around a fucking glass of water, it's just going to start boiling a bit. Well, if you have a normal, nice finger and you want to get a nice piece of jewelry

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Let's do a couple voicemails, and we'll let Nick get out of here. Why is my chair low? To make a mockery of you. Oh, that's fine. Dude, they had me play basketball today. I airballed a free throw. First of all, that doesn't surprise me. I would definitely airball a free throw.

It's not that bad. No, it was embarrassing. Where were you playing? It's for like this Labatt game. No, no, where though? It's called Basketball City. Oh, is it like a whole bunch of courts on the river? Yeah, it's like, yeah. Yeah, I took Brandon down there to do his interview. Oh, no, where though? It's called Basketball City. Oh, is it like a whole bunch of courts on the river? Yeah. I took Brandon down there

to do his interview. Oh, yeah. It's a cool spot if you are good at basketball. Did you play any sports growing up? For those listening at home, that was a no. Okay, ready? Yep. Hey KFC, Fight,

Nick, anyone else who's there? bro just a question i'm assuming you guys haven't given any blowjobs fight is questionable on that one but do you think you could give a better blowjob than you give then you go down on girls now so do you think you can make a girl come faster or do you think you could make a guy cum faster? Zach has no idea what this question is. Alright, there's two different things going on here. I could make a guy cum faster. No doubt. But that's because everybody could. You could.

He could. Everybody can make a guy cum faster than a girl because it's just hard to make girls cum. I don't think I could. I don't think I could because I have such an awful gag reflex as people have seen a million times. I can't put a pinky in my mouth. I don't think I could because I have such an awful gag reflex as people have seen a million times. I can't put like a pinky in my mouth. I would give very, I would know how to do it.

It's like shooting a three pointer. I know how to do it. I just can't do it. Like those who can't do, teach. You'd be a good coach. Yeah. I could coach for sure, but just I don't have the anatomy that can just get a dick down i think i would give great head it's not even a mental thing i could probably mentally suck a dick

i just can't physically do it i mean nick nick we know we know you're not great at spitting on it i i'm i have a dry mouth and uh and i love that they assume that i've gone down on a girl i'm like i'm very selfish selfish lover over here don't even say that word i i think even if you give bad head i mean it's just a matter you know you could fucking tug on it and get them to come real quick yeah i could give you a hand job real quick yeah fucking just fine i don't even think you have to deep throat to give good head. You'd be fine, John. You think so?

I think, listen, I think. I'm like right there. I already got like. I mean, I barely touched your tongue, pussy. I just don't like things in my mouth. I love how you respond to that. Like it was the nicest thing anybody's ever said to you. Really?

Do you really mean that? I think if you don't have a good. If you do have a gag reflex, I think you can still give great head. In some cases, I think better. You know what I mean? It's like Heather Brooke who said before she sucks too good of dick. Yeah, yeah. It just goes in and out. It's like this is boring.

Right. It has weirdly – I prefer a little bit of struggle. It wasn't – when she first burst out of the team, yes, she was the pro's pro. Then you've seen other people now, and you're like, hmm, I actually might like that better. Right. It's like she really, there's, you know, you can go 90% of the way, but that extra 10% struggle has a stank on it. Have you ever had a girl gag and you just know she's lying to you?

It's like, I just saw you eat a Twix like an anaconda. Like the first scene an anaconda. Like the first scene in Anaconda with Mateo. And now you're doing... I know you're not struggling, babe. I'm hardly to the incisors. Have you seen the TikTok of the kid who deep throats the Oreos, the stack of Oreos?

What? That's a trend. Well, maybe I'm on different. Let me see if I, let me see if this is the one. I think this is the one. So yeah, this is the one. This dude takes mega stuff Oreos and then he takes them apart

and he makes one gigantic Oreo. And which I thought, I thought the whole TikTok was going to be like, oh, isn't that funny? He made a giant made a giant Oreo. And so he starts putting it together. And then when you see the end, the finale, it's like, holy shit. Like, I want to get head from this guy.

Good song. Dude, you're going to be astounded. I mean, come on. It's crazy. This is the most wild thing you're ever going to see. And then it just went. That is shocking. But it is nice that we've gone full circle and now people are going to start dying from challenges again.

Like back when challenges were around. Just like, let's start dying. Do you remember there was that one where you put like marshmallows in your mouth? Chubby bunny. Yes.

There's something about a rabbit in there. I don't know. I don't remember that one. It was you put as many marshmallows in your mouth as you could and there were people

who were like, ah, ah. Yeah, a lot of deaths. Which you deserve to die for that. So long story short, you did bad head. But I still think everybody in the world could make a guy cum before a girl.

Yeah, I guess to answer the question. Once it's like your girl and you know exactly how to do it. I don't think I've ever gotten to know a woman's body well enough. I've gotten to know a woman where I can make her cum. I can bring her to climax with just a thought. With a well-structured sentence. She's weak at the knees. I've understood women's brains more, and I know exactly how to piss them off.

But I still don't understand how to make a woman cum. It's all just a guessing game. What's up fellas i was listening to the episode the other day when fights is when fights the guy said he had cancer and it got me thinking of this one time i ran into that at work so i work in athletics and i was asking someone uh someone from another program um if they could send something to me. And they happened to be working at LSU, and they had just gotten hit by a major hurricane. And he finally responded to me after about a week and said, hey, man, I'll get that to you when I can. My house was destroyed from the hurricane, and I don't know when I'm going to be able to get it to you. How was I supposed to respond to that?

I don't remember how I did, but I can't imagine it was the right way. Thanks, fellas. I'd say, hey, brother. What's up, guys? What does your house have to do with that spreadsheet, man? Yeah. Get me that email, dude. It's on the cloud, right?

So just send it. This show is so weird. Wait, you were probably like, just go to your other house. I forget things I say on the show. I had no idea what he was talking about. Yeah, no, I got it eventually. But I was like, I have no clue. What is it when my guy got cancer?

I guess because he's not my guy, you know, and that's why I didn't care. Could be dead for all I know. he's not my guy. And that's why I didn't care, really. He could be dead for all I know. He did not need to tell you that. And that guy didn't need to tell him that. I think this one's a bit more fair. Well, if you're trying to... Your super was probably trying to get off the hook for doing work.

I would throw out any excuse I can to get out of something even if it's horrific. Yeah, but he could have left it at. There's been a hurricane? No, I'm saying my super could have left it at, like, I'll talk to the building manager. Like, done. Okay. Yeah.

And then like this, you can't really be like, I'll have someone else get it to you. You got to save the, you got to keep that gun in the bullet, to quote Dave, for when somebody keeps pushing. You know, if he had said, my building manager will get back, and you were like, unacceptable, I need this done, and he'd be like, sorry, I have fucking cancer, and he'd be like, the asshole. Same thing here. It's like, okay, man, no, I really need that email

now. And he's like, well, all my worldly possessions have been destroyed in a hurricane. I would say prove it. Show me the rubble. Show me the rubble, bitch. Show me the rubble. Alright, last voble, bitch. Show me the rubble. All right, last voicemail of the day is brought to you by The Zebra. I see a lot of Zebra commercials now.

Yeah, they're going big time. We're on the Zebra train nice and early. They're on a bunch of Hulu commercials now. There's also a very cool Kia commercial to tie in with the car thing where they do a 360 with the car on a jump. Very cool. Every time I see it, I'm like, can this possibly be real? A 360?

Your Hulu has commercials? Yeah. No. Guess what? So does mine because I have John's Hulu. You're saying a barrel roll or like a 360? No, a 360 flat spin, I believe they described it as. Wow, that is cool.

It's actually very, very cool, but not as cool as the Zebra. Well, the Zebra, if you're going to be doing 360s with your cars, you're going to need insurance. I don't know if insurance will pay out if you do a 360 flat spin. It'd probably dispute that charge. It's probably your fault. We're on the hook for that. I think they call it driver liability or something. Yeah, maybe.

But you can save money on your home insurance and your car insurance on the Zebra. What it does is it takes all of the available packages and quotes in your area for your home or your car, and it puts it all together in one easy-to-read spot, sort of like Kayak or Priceline Negotiator. Shout out, William Shatner. You a William Shatner guy? No. No? Why not? I'm not any – I don't like anything.

You don't like anybody, anything? No. You guys are all right. Who's your favorite person in the world? Like, you know how some people are like Elon Musk stans? Yeah. Oh, Jason Derulo. buddy anything no you guys are all right who's your favorite person in the world like like like you know how some people are like elon musk stands yeah or uh oh jason derulo jason derulo i love jason derulo yeah it's a good one i mean i like him what's your favorite jason derulo song trumpets it's a great one yeah i know and the trumpets they go no i uh

he's blocked on instagram but that's all right so right. So I have William Shatner blocked me. That's why I'm not a William Shatner. Yeah. I know. I made me one Jason Moore. It's all about the chase. Well, yeah. I was sort of like, well, fuck you, Bill Shatner.

So let's hash this out like, man, I'm just blocked by Billy Shatner for no reason. That is a stunning revelation. And I'm actually not. He really just hates one minute, man. I guess so. This is a while ago, too. I feel like I don't care that I'm blocked by him i want to know why because maybe there was one day where i was like yeah star wars is better than star trek or like or no i was probably like you know what i probably did say fuck bill shatner i'm a i'm a jean-luc picard

kind of guy which i'd block me too yeah anyway if you want to save insurance go to the zebra it puts it all in one easy to read place where you'll find all the quotes and packages you need in like two minutes. And you can save up to $670 a year on average using The Zebra. Americans are overpaying by $21 billion per year. So what a racket that is. Insurance companies just sitting there cashing all those extra checks. You don't need it. And The Zebra is fighting back, making sure that you have affordable and efficient insurance

where you're not paying any extra money that you don't have to. Go to TheZebra.com, T-H-E-Z-E-B-R-A.com slash KFC, and you can start saving right now on the car and home insurance. That's TheZebra.com slash KFC. What do we got, Jackie? Last one. I think KFC. What do we got, Jackie? Last one. Hey, KFC and Vice. We have a very feminine audience.

We probably have talked about this, you know, because we've been in COVID for like a year now, but do you think you're hotter, better looking with or without a mask on? I always go back and forth with this when you wear a mask, you mask, have your face covered.

Do you think you're hot or with or without it on? Thanks. The less of my face you can see, the more attractive I am. I mean, that's a no-brainer. Well, what's your best quadrant? My best quadrant? Good question. I'm assuming it makes sense. Oh, I thought I was going quarters of body.

Oh, no, no. I'm talking facial quadrant. facial oh heaven's no nothing on your body so feet probably no i've seen those hobbit feet they're not good oh they're terrible um your your extremities are just terrible it is weird you're right i mean they're awful i would say my best quadrant i I forget which eye it is. I have one eye that's always kind of like squinted shut. Well, when I smile at least. Your right eye. This one squints down. So then my left eye.

Me and you have the same thing, and I get called the lazy eye. Yeah, but it's not a lazy eye. It's a droopy eyelid. Right. And I don't know which one mine is either, but one of them is a little bit closed. And everyone's like, you have a lazy eye. Thank God that Riggs and Sean came along. Those are real lazy eyes. Those cock-eyed motherfuckers really are.

I have a fat forehead is what I have. It just hangs down. I have a beer belly of a forehead. And it just kind of happens to hang here. You carry all your weight in your forehead. All those donuts, they went straight to my forehead. I think I'm better without the mask, which sounds... Really?

I don't know. I feel like... Do you have a mask on? I don't know. You know what I got? I got the Tom Brady butt chin thing that people seem to like, and that gets covered up. Me with the mask. Uh-huh.

You might be here. You're better without. You're better without. That means I got a good face, folks. And Zach rolls his eyes. Zach wants me desperately might be here. You're better without. That means I got a good face, folks. And Zach rolls his eyes. Zach wants me desperately to be ugly. It's crazy. Have you heard of this? Yeah, I've heard. He has just some

grudge against me being even remotely attractive. He can't accept it. You know what I think it is? Is that it means he finds me attractive. Yeah. 100%. Yeah, Zach's hiding his true self because he's scared to admit it. He just wants to fuck me. Well, no, he doesn't want to fuck me. He just wants to fuck

all the people that look like me. Yeah. I think I am definitely... I don't have a good jawline. I don't have anything. It's just definitively... I'd be the hottest in an executioner's mask. That would be... Put it in your red room. One of those red rooms where it's just like the bowling ball,

which is like a hole in my mouth. That's the hottest I could possibly be. Or maybe one of the ones that's not the hole, it's like the dick. Oh. Like a dildo. True. People just sit on that ugly face of yours. Yeah, yeah.

How's your face? I have a lot going on. Nick's got very nice eyes. Thanks. Yeah, but I'm a... going on. Nick's got very nice eyes. Thanks. Yeah, but I'm... Have you been beardless any time recently? Yeah, for goatee week.

And then I had to shave for that and I looked... Have you been totally clean shaven any time recently? No, not in a while. Are there any pictures? It would be horrible. Yeah, I feel like you're

a good beard guy. You've got a good beard, though. It's all right. But yeah, I have a lot of like... I have a beard, glasses, and I'm a hat guy. I was not a hat guy before this. Take your hat off.

Got a good head of hair too. I have a lot of hair. I feel like, but do you always wear a hat? Yeah. Because that wasn't that big of a like, oh shit. Like when I see Rowan without a hat, I'm like. Yeah, I always wear a hat. And then if I, yeah, I'm just, I don't know, without it though,

I just look like a default character on a Nintendo Wii. Just like, yeah. I remember I didn't wear my glasses the first time I played the Wii, and they were like, make your guy. And I was like, all right, I'm done. You definitely look a little like, without your glasses, you look a little, with those eyes. You also have, I mean, your nose, does that hurt? You have like indents on your nose from your glasses. Yeah, that hurts.

Yeah. Are you ever, do you ever get caught? Emotionally, not physically. I'm afraid nose from your glasses. Yeah, that hurts. Do you ever get contacts? I'm afraid of touching my eyeballs. I would be too. Are you blind blind without those? Yeah, I can't see shit. Yeah, I would be a glasses guy too. Yeah, duh. I can't do eyeballs.

I don't do eyeballs. I'm not sure if they're solid or liquid. That's it. That felt good to get off my chest. And I know science says one thing, but I know if I poke it, something's going to go awry. It's like an egg yolk. You've got to be very careful with it. I think we leave you with that philosophical question. That little fortune cookie question. Are eyeballs liquid or solid?

I just don't know. Tweet at Nick. Tweet at Nick and let him know. What is it? At Nick Tarani underscore? No, just there's my name. At Nick Tarani. That's also his Venmo.

Yeah. And go listen to A New Untold Story whenever it comes out. No, we have a very core audience and if anybody hears what we've said outside of that, we're done. So don't do that at all. Alright, that's it for us. See you next week.

I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the light. It's only right

this is the soundtrack to my life. the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life Uh-huh Yeah Uh-huh Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm getting a little low.