KFC Radio - Nicky Smokes Finds Himself In Hot Water + Luke Touma & Christophe Jean Interview
Episode Date: March 11, 2025Timecodes: 0:00 Start 00:16 Feits was hangry 08:15 Adderall 13:07 Walton Goggins and White Lotus 17:28 Love is Blind Reunion Recap 22:30 Is Dating actully "a boodbath" right now? ...31:04 KFC's bday gift from Shea 38:49 Nicky Smokes, Annika, Ella Griff Drama 42:28 Sharing locations is insane 55:10 Brad Marchand got traded 01:02:23 Jackie has another WILD dating story 01:18:16 Video Voicemails 01:45:04 Interview: Luke Touma & Christophe Jean of Rough Week 02:36:34 Kanye Responding to Dave Portnoy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYm8TsweM7w +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Evan Williams: Visit https://EvanWilliams.com to find a bottle near you. Green Chef: Go to https://GreenChef.com/kfcfree and use code kfcfree to get started with FREE Salads for two months plus 50% off your first box Netflix: Watch Love is Blind Season 8, now playing only on Netflix and don’t miss the reunion this Sunday, March 9th at 6pm PT/9pm ET Hull: Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of 15% OFF + a FREE Gift with code KFC15 at https://huel.com/KFC15 (Minimum $75 purchase) Jackpocket: GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, in NY Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPE-N-Y. 18 or older (19+ in Nebraska, 21+ in Arizona). Jackpocket is not affiliated with any State Lottery. Void where prohibited. 1 per new customer. Enter promo code at checkout for $2 non-withdrawable credit. See terms at jackpocket dot com slash tos slash free slash ticket slash promo. Sponsored by Jackpocket. Based on 2024 iOS download data collected by Sensor Tower.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr
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Man, I really like, one or two times it maybe could have gotten away with.
It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.
Yo, food is crazy.
Food is crazy.
Shout out food.
Dude, 20 minutes ago, I was
murderous. Yeah, you needed food.
I got plants tonight.
Nobody gets hangry like your boy.
Have I ever seen you hangry?
I get plants tonight. Nobody gets hangry like your boy. I've never seen you hangry.
I get like angry. You get like
hunger tonic. You get like catatonic
when you're hungry. I shut down.
I'm much shorter.
I don't get like mad, but I'm definitely
shorter with people. And I was just like
from this morning, I was just
like in a bad, I just like
had a bad customer.
I mean, he's a big baby.
Yeah, he's a big baby.
Where it's like, if you don't feed your baby and give him a nap, he gets angry.
I remember when I did the blog about ways I know I'm old now.
And one was like, first of all, I have such a window of usefulness.
If you don't catch me from 11 to 1, catch me tomorrow.
My other thing I was going to say about you is we don't even fucking approach it now,
but there was a time where I'd be like, 5 o'clock, no shot.
As you start to hit 5 o'clock with John, no, no, no.
It's over.
And that was back when we were doing a lot, so we had been recording since 12, so it was a lot.
But it was more like if the evening hits and you're still working with john like unless we're working at night but if you're doing like a shoot on out of order or
something but if it starts in the day and ends at five your boy is shacked out yeah you better feed
me i'm like a troll right you better feed me you want me here from nine to five like a maniac
you better feed me it is The workday is a lot.
Like who was it?
Was it Henry Ford?
Doesn't he get credited with like the workday for some reason?
Something like that, right?
Something about the industrial revolution, whatever, that started the nine to five.
It's a lot.
Five out of seven days, eight hours of like the 12 to 16, 16 to 18 that you're like out there.
It's a lot.
You have it right with the siesta though.
Yeah, they do.
Yeah, but siesta is a fucking nightmare
if you're not tired.
Yeah.
Because then it's like,
all I want to do is like get a drink
or go to the, get food.
I can't because I don't want to fucking sleep.
But even then it's like,
the slump at 3 p.m.,
nothing's going,
I'm not doing anything then anyway.
But it's like,
again, things may have changed.
When I did my semester abroad over there,
I was like, a lot of days I was happy. semester abroad over there i was like a lot of
days i was happy a lot of days i was like fuck yeah nap time and then there were days when i
didn't want to nap and like but it kind of forces you nothing was open does it force you to like do
nothing yeah but like again like it's a semester so i didn't have time to completely adapt to the
culture but i was like i don't want to nap at a Tuesday at 2pm. I want to go do something.
My argument would be Spain. Spain does this?
Yes.
Cut all the siestas.
Give me a three-day weekend every weekend.
Add up two hours a day,
four days a week. That's an eight-hour workday.
Let me just work Monday to Thursday.
I believe I remember hearing back
when the European Union was first formed,
they had to give a warning to Spain.
You guys got to get to fucking together yeah like we can't close the stock market for two hours a day i mean i i you know what's a real shame i think that we as a people
they gave us an inch and we took a mile with working from home yes and i think had people
just been cool and not abused it i think we would have
just been that way forever and now i think the pendulum is swinging back because everyone's
being an asshole yeah and it's very obvious and you're like flaunting it in people's faces
because what you just said is true like if i'm not no one's actually doing work then you shouldn't
have to like you should come to work for like three hours and you work for three hours because
you can pretty much get any job done except for the really hard ones that's the regular job you can do three hours waiting
for your other shit to happen like wait for the email to come waiting for the phone to ring
like you can just like show up and all your work is ready to be done you can be done here in two
hours dude that was that was deloitte that was deloitte that's why i was able to do barstool
and deloitte at the same time is because the work I was doing was very, it was not
like, it was like when you get it, you do your work and then when it's done, it's done.
So most of the time it would get arrive on time and there would be days, if not weeks,
sometimes it was like, I'm waiting for this thing.
I was supposed to get it on Monday.
It's Thursday and it has not come yet.
That's four days.
I just sit around and I'll just start blogging.
Other people would like help out the other work.
I was like, I'm'm gonna write my blogs but it was it was uh a pain in the ass sometimes but for the
most part the idea of do like get your work do your work was amazing like no no waiting around
like facetime is great the work from home stuff is funny because it's people like i can't believe
they're making us go back to work and like well yeah we've spent three years posting videos by
the pool being like working that's what i'm saying right here when crazy viral when it first came out and people
now this is back in 2022 people now are blamed like these girls ruined what did she say just
like yeah just like this is our day as a product manager and like yeah you've got your fucking
computer out and you're probably sending an email and it's probably just as effective as someone
sitting in a cube but you look like an asshole yeah and you make your company look like
an asshole and you make your boss go fuck this because the truth is most of these jobs you can do
from your couch in your pajamas but when you like say that and show that and flaunt that people go
what am i paying you for you know i like won't work remotely like like i won't it's obviously a detriment to myself but
like if if it takes too many emails i'm like i'm not doing it or if it takes too many like phone
like i i much prefer to be in the office i'll walk to your desk we'll talk real quick and then i'm
done yeah i won't like if we have to exchange over three texts but it's also it's so different here
where it's like aside aside from my commute.
Commuting sucks always.
But like I like to be here to do work.
For sure.
Whereas other places it's like – And there is the difference between like this is creative and I think –
Brainstorming together.
Talk and be like, oh, wait.
That's a good idea.
Right.
Versus like if you're doing Excel spreadsheets or something like that.
Bro, that shit you really can do from home.
It's just a matter – the other thing though is you just don't.
Yeah.
Like when I was writing blogs from home, I still – I wanted to write blogs.
I liked writing blogs.
So whether I was here, there, or on the fucking moon, I was going to write the blog.
When I am sitting at home, if I'm in my cube, I'm like, let me do this work so I can get the fuck out of here.
When I'm already home, I'm like, I'll do it later. You know, I mean, it's,
it's,
if you try to argue that you're working from home,
like just as at the highest level,
like,
unless you do something that I don't understand,
but like the jobs I understand,
which is this job,
you can't do it.
You can't do it.
Yeah.
And again,
if you,
if you are just don't be a fucking,
just be cool.
Cause most people are like, like at barstool, at least like, just don't be a fucking – just be cool. Because most people are like – at Barstool at least.
I think of most people – this is going to sound crazy – as like adults in the sense that if you have something to do and you think you can do it from home, go do it from home.
Totally.
The fuck does anyone care?
But most of the stuff you have to do here.
Right, right, right.
They should have just in general like told us that Adderall is taking your vitamins.
And then if they want
a workhorse, not a barstool, just
the government. They should have poisoned us.
They should have told us that.
Then we just all get so much work done.
Is that not a great idea?
They should have put in the COVID vaccine.
Just like a country
of Adderall.
Maybe that's what like china is
i've never done adderall that's how you've never done adderall dude it's so good you have to get
i took it the other day i get like so much shit done like i remember dave telling me that when i
didn't drink coffee he was like i almost think of this as like like you're not working as hard as
you could and then and then when remember when when Dave did one of my favorite stories.
Remember at the Super Bowl house when he was doing some Adderall?
And one of the sales girls was like,
can you not do that like right in front of me?
And he was like, this is what this company runs on.
I pay your fucking salary because of this.
I have this thing in my Adderall before,
and it's like the same one that I had from high school.
And so like some of them don't work anymore.
Some of them do.
So it's kind of like a rush.
Wait, like literally the same pills from like six years ago?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But some of them like work like turbo or whatever.
What?
It was an old joke?
Fair, fair, fair. Wait okay so some of them are turbo like
yeah some of them are like so it's like whatever i take one i go if god wants me to get work done
today he's gonna give me a turbo and then and then you guys take adderall and it's just like
fucking leo and jonah hill taking lewis jackie texted like seven hours later. She just went, turbo? It's like, turbo.
I love that.
If it wasn't about illicit drug use, I would put it on a t-shirt or something.
Turbo.
Dude, deep.
And literally, sometimes you could, like, Pav's already, like, he doesn't eat at all.
He already, like, works like crazy.
But, like, you can, I can just hear when he has a turbo on the keyboard.
It's fucking crazy.
That's really funny.
No, I've never, I've never done it for work or play
it's not i i used to do it in like college i think i well i missed that that was not a thing
for my like generation like nobody i knew had a prescription i would i had a prescription i would
i it was like it was an error like you walk into the doctor and was that you need one probably oh
no i hated it i would do it as a drug but i wouldn't
do it like to start i would that was always my thing is like if i'm doing drugs it's not to do
work or school work come on yeah no you could do adderall right but like it would it just did not
it did not like jive with my body like i would get so like not angry but just like i'd jaw so hard
it would have the same effects as
cocaine it would just have a lot all of that sounds worse effects I think doing Adderall
and partying is like the worst thing you could probably do yeah I to me like I always loved that
like my body would be like your shit face and it's time to shut it down yeah if I if I did
shit to keep going through that like like, I don't know.
Yeah, that was the body was starting to retire, and you'd be like, call a guy?
Yeah.
It's 1130.
We can do one of two things right now.
Were you saying that when you got the prescription, it's like you literally just have to go in and be like, sorry, what did you say?
Yeah, here's a monthly prescription. I don't even remember what i did but like it it was it was
yeah it was it was nothing yeah nothing crazy i mean it was like they were like 10 milligram
like the little blues but that's what i wanted at the time too anyway i just wanted shit to chop up
well i just wanted shit to smell. You know what I'm saying? Such a dickhead.
I remember my psychiatrist was like,
yeah, I kind of feel like you have a processing problem,
but I don't know for sure.
And I was like, that's your fucking job.
That's your one literal job.
She's like, well, just call ADHD.
Because she's fucking non-natural herself.
I got her.
Yeah, yeah.
She's like, oh, okay. But what I was saying.
Food.
Is.
Yeah.
In that blog, I remember writing every three hours I get in a really bad mood and I don't
know why.
And then I eat something.
I go, that's what it was.
Yeah.
And you forget.
Like, dude, this morning.
Every time.
I'm walking to the fucking mini golf thing.
Walking there. I was mean mugging motherfuckers to the point where i went like like honestly god
before because i live on that same street that the putter is on so i was just walking down it
before i crossed one street i went oh you're being an asshole today i hadn't actually done
anything but they're just thoughts i had and i, oh, you're an asshole today. I still don't eat.
I mean, I barely ate at Puttery.
And I'm not going to eat until we finish today.
I usually arrive home.
And then I'm like, oh, I got to get out.
I don't want to hit traffic.
I'll usually arrive home between four and six starving, in pain.
It's just the stupidest way to live.
Because then you eat poorly because you're like, whatever. You know what I mean? You binge. And then I'm like, well, I just the stupidest way to live because then you eat poorly because
you're like whatever you know what i mean you binge and then i'm like well i just ate right
before dinner and then i have a second dinner and i'm like if i just had meals like a fucking adult
none of this would happen if i if i didn't eat till 4 p.m oh you would i think yeah you would
shoot the place out for sure like i don't i don't need till four like every single day yeah i don't
know how you do that i don't do breakfast and then we're working through lunch
that's crazy it's funny it's like cute when like a girl gets angry but it's like your giant baby
if a guy gets angry it's so crazy by the way it's not cute when a girl gets angry
you think it is it's fucking horrendous it's like eat a muffin and shut the fuck up
god damn it that's what that's what it's like being on your period.
You're like, why do I hate every single man that looks at me right now?
You forget every single time.
My pussy's bleeding.
My vagina is shedding.
Speaking of, I don't know, you said man.
And I had one of my things last night, one of the least manly things I've ever done.
I read it.
So I was on Instagram,
and I actually always get got.
Instagram, I just blindly scroll.
It's like complete zone out,
except I don't know.
I have something with reading,
except when they advertise the threads.
I'm always like, oh, that's an interesting thread.
They've started that recently, right?
And I click on it every time.
Because it's getting me as well.
That gets me so good.
And every time I'm like, oh.
And so I clicked on it, and. Because that's – it's getting me as well. That gets me so – and every time I'm like, oh. And so I clicked on it.
And I read this really long thread last night about men and how we want to be the Goggins type.
And it's all this stuff.
And like, honestly, guys, it was probably 18 threads in a row.
And I read the whole thing thinking we were talking about Walton Goggins.
And I went, that's the least manly thing you can do.
And I was like – That that is you're so gay dude
because I remember I started the White Lotus
and I'm caught up on season 3
and so like I guess
it was just in my head and I was like wow
I'm not picking up on this from his character
what you thought it was about
being like a like you know a thespian
in touch with your like your emotions
I thought it was about Walton Goggins' character got it because that actually would like i could see
that like he's like a little bro he's gruff and he's i love that character he's awesome that's
the highlight for me by far do you watch my life i want to but i can't figure out how to get into
fucking hbo what are you talking about everything everybody's getting privy to family accounts and
now it's like i have to get my own account.
I'm like, be a big girl.
I'm going to be a big girl.
I'm going to be a little dinky girl who can't pay for child education.
I want to watch HBO, but my daddy can't pay.
I think that that show is,
I think he is by far the most intriguing part of that show.
I agree.
So to be forthright about something,
I haven't seen the first two seasons.
So I'm really enjoying this season.
It doesn't really matter, I don't think.
There's one storyline, and that's it.
I think people who I know who have watched all three
seem to say this is their least favorite by far.
Yes, people are saying that.
Because I haven't seen those, maybe this is better to me.
But I'm really enjoying it.
I was saying to the group earlier that since I'm trying to do television content, when
I'm watching with that intent, I kind of suspend my own judgment.
I'm watching it to figure things out, theories, symbolism, thoughts.
So I have not been viewing it like that, good, bad, better, worse.
I've just been watching it yeah which is actually kind of cool
that's kind of how I watch I'm just like tell me what you want to tell me
I almost when I'm just watching
for entertainment I do the opposite
I'm more judgmental which is I guess backwards
but yeah I'm kind of like I'm here for
entertainment make it count
versus like if I'm going to write a blog
do a recap video I can talk about any
I can talk about garbage and like but like find
an angle right so it makes sense to me but i i um i don't know i i think i like this one i think it's i
think it's all same as the first two and i actually think it's a little less ridiculous like like
season when the guy was like taking a shit in the box and all that it got a little crazy in the
first season so this one's a little more normal it's a weird show because you actually said it best today that it's it's almost scripted
reality tv yeah you're watching people live and there's a little bit ridiculousness there's a
murder there's a girl getting bit by a snake there's silly shit going on but for the most
part it's like here is a family that has like these secrets here is a couple that is on the
rocks here is a guy who's
running from you know it's just you're just watching people live and because i think the
paradise aspect of it i feel like i'm watching a bravo show but with fake people which is better
for me because they don't disgust me but you know what's funny these people disgust me really yes
even i know they're fictional but like that's it's the thing. Because they're fictional, I have such an... Oh, I mean, don't get me wrong.
Saxon Branleth, he's detestable.
He's detestable.
He is the worst character I've ever watched.
But you at least know he's not real.
Right.
When I'm watching reality TV, I'm like, oh my God, these are real fucking people.
This is who you are.
Yeah.
Who I like spend time on.
See, that's why I'm like, that's art.
Yeah.
Your personality really is that.
And that's real.
Yeah.
You know?
See, I'm the exact opposite. And I think I've accepted that, and I've been much happier since is that. And that's real. See, I'm the exact opposite.
And I think I've accepted that,
and I've been much happier since accepting that.
It's like, oh, okay.
I like your thing.
I don't like everything.
I don't dislike it.
I don't believe it shouldn't exist.
It's just like, I don't know.
It's just not really my thing.
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Sweating that one out.
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Bro, I was watching the Love is Blind reunion last night,
which usually is a dud, but last night it was spicy.
I got to show you this guy.
This guy got a tattoo.
Oh, I saw this.
Did you see this?
I saw this did you see this
I saw this
because I have to watch
one minute man's now
because they're good
what did you think
of this tattoo
crazy
if a guy
okay okay
what's the tattoo
so he goes
this guy goes
I did get a tattoo
of Taylor
this is the one couple
Taylor Swift
no no no
this is the girl's name
there's one couple
wait don't click it yet
there's one couple
that made it
that's it
usually there's like
three or four that get married whatever this is the only couple that made it. That's it. Usually there's like three or four that get married, whatever.
This is the only couple that made it.
And I think there was something about a tattoo.
And he's like, I didn't get that one, but I did get a tattoo of Taylor.
Her eyes are so beautiful.
I got a tattoo of her eyes.
What would you think a tattoo of someone's eyes would be like?
Well, I'd imagine their eyes.
Yeah.
But like how?
Like I was thinking
like you know
you lob me on like that i'll hit a 500
i was picturing he's like i got it on my chest i'm thinking like little like girly dainty eyes you know just like beautiful like two little
eyes right this is what this fella did pull this up it's almost unconscionable to do this
like i can't even imagine this girl being be look at this look oh my god
bro that's like a one of the old t-shirts we used to sell like yeah just a square
it would just say it would just be a picture of a thing with a border.
Here's a picture we stole.
Screenshot from a movie with a border around it.
That's wild.
I mean, that's crazy, right?
Like, if a guy did that for you, you would be like, this is disgusting, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get rid of that.
It's also like the bridge of her nose.
You know what it looks like? It looks like when you're at a secret club and you're like, what's the password? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get rid of that. It's also like the bridge of her nose. You know what it looks like?
It looks like when you're at a secret club and you're like, what's the password?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But like crazy to include the bridge of the nose and the eyebrows and the – you know, you just do like two little eyes.
Yeah.
Crazy move.
Weird spot on the body too.
And by the way, when he described it, he goes i got taylor's eyes they're
the most beautiful eyes they're very unique they're a little bit squinty it's not a lazy eye
it's not a lazy eye it's like no one was saying that dude clearly you think your girl has lazy
eyes and this was like the couple that made it and i was like you are like the worst the rest of it
was super uncomfortable not even over his heart which weirds me out. Yeah, yeah. It's over his right chest.
Collarbone almost, yeah. Well, no, your right
is your... He did it over his...
No, that is his heart.
That's over his heart? No, I don't think so, because he's
facing this way, so it's over...
I think it's over here. It's over the other side.
I feel like we should be seeing his nipple in that
section of the... Yeah, it's not his heart.
That's his right side. He's looking this way.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your right hand. Yeah, your right side. Yes looking this way oh yeah yeah yeah your right hand yeah your right side yes yes yeah
i was about to make fun of you guys were being dumb i'm the idiot um and then the rest was uh
just i i can't imagine people keep going on the show i mean they will because it's so popular but
it's just it's just a bloodbath every time it's just guys being led to slaughter
why just because girls are you know it, it obviously doesn't work out.
And it's like a bunch of girls came out and were like, this guy fucked me.
And he's like, yeah, I fucked everyone in Minneapolis.
What do you want me to do?
That's basically how all these go.
And even the couple that I thought was the cutesy couple were at each other's fucking throats.
This is a massacre dude but why why would
you even do that because someone got famous and you're like i've had sex with that person
like what yeah well that that you know it sounded this guy you know a couple girls come out it's one
thing if like the entire city of minneapolis comes out and says you were a dick a shithead
you probably should wait this guy's the no no he's fine um but you know
this girl was like why would a girl do this if you weren't like terrible to her and it's like
uh because i like we didn't work out i'm now on television and i'm hooking up with a prettier girl
that's what like you're hot i'm good looking i'm getting famous people are talking about me
she's mad that i dumped her there's your answer yeah women will do that like a hundred times out of a hundred so you know that that just seems to
be the uh are do you do you go on those groups are we dating the same guy no no girls love that
every city has like a facebook group called are we dating the same guy and it started out for like
uh I'm dating this guy he's kind of like giving me weird vibes like have any of you dated him or
are you currently dating him?
Like he's lying to me.
And then that just spiraled into like just gossiping about men and the whole,
everyone in every city.
And it's just the most toxic thing in the world.
I wouldn't want to know.
I feel like I have a pretty good,
I get,
I'm throwing stones from the glass house,
but like if you're even questioning it,
wouldn't you just be like, well, I guess this is like, you would think that, right? I mean, to me, to me, I'm throwing stones from a glass house, but like, if you're even questioning it, wouldn't you just be like,
well,
I guess this is like,
you would think that,
right?
I mean,
to me,
to me,
I'm always like,
if you are exclusive,
then you have like a right to ask.
Like until that moment,
you might be fucking other people.
You might be hooking up.
You might have,
you know,
like until you say we are no longer hooking up with people.
And then if you still have doubts,
you probably should just,
you know,
figure this out. Or, or you're like, yeah, he's cheating on me. Whatever. Like if you're asking, you probably should just you know figure this out or or you're
like yeah he's cheating on whatever like if you're asking you have to like go on the if you have to
crowdsource your answers about your relationship you're probably in a bad relationship i always
see that like uh when i'm scrolling reddit like they'll have like uh like am i the not am i the
asshole like uh aio am i overreacting and it would just be like
taxing i'd be like if anyone ever talked to me like this i'd never talk to him again
well yeah you know what's funny i i i hear this a lot and maybe you can attest to it like
when i was dating like there was like you you would get ghosted or ghost somebody here and there
shit would not work out maybe somebody cheats but i don't know
for the most part it was like just dating and hooking up and i don't know if if it's gotten
worse for for younger generations or if you guys are being dramatic but all i hear is like it's
it's a war zone out there it's like so terrible and i'm like is it that different or i mean it
might be the internet and shit like it just gets more i don't know toxic or
whatever guys are just fucking like anybody on dating apps and maybe it is that much worse but
it seems to be worse the narrative at least yeah i was just like i don't know hooking up trying to
find a girlfriend like girls for some reason sleeping with us like i don't know just lowering
their standards hooking up with me my friends i don don't know. I feel like in college I thought that,
but not now.
In college it was worse or better?
Like, in college it was worse.
Like, I just felt like it was, like,
hard to keep a guy's attention
because it was just, like,
you go to a party.
Like, it's college.
Exactly.
Like, that's what's going to happen.
But here it's, like, I don't know.
But, like, the second I get, like,
a whiff of, like,
no, like, I also, like,
the second I get a whiff of, like, a guy being, like, uninterested guy being uninterested, I'm out.
So I don't even give them the chance.
That's healthy.
You'll find love that way.
I don't even want a hint of getting rejected.
That I get, yeah, for sure.
I'm going to dump you right away.
I could see, though, i've said this a million
times i the amount the the volume that you get from dating apps is insane yeah guys fucking five
six seven girls a week going on dates seven days a week like it used to be for me like if a pretty
girl at the bar was giving me the time of day i would be like i'm gonna go buy her flowers i'm gonna go
take her to dinner i'm gonna like you know it was like you have one shot at this maybe for the next
couple weeks and now it's like you know whatever kick you to the curb bitch i got 10 more lined up
dude one time it's just like this is so bad uh one one time we had it was like when we had like
a shore house kind of deal and uh it was a friend of a friend it wasn't really
a kid like in our circle he actually went to the rival high school and all this stuff but he like
we knew him just from like being around newport kind of deal yep and he had a date planned with
a girl who was like in our friend circle and he went to pick her up for the date, and she wasn't home. And her roommate said she's at their apartment.
And so he came to the door in a blazer with flowers to pick her up.
That's crazy.
She obviously fucked one of our friends that night before.
And she was like, let me just grab my sundress.
I'll meet you outside.
And I was like, oh, my God.
This is the worst thing
i've ever had to see in my life and i don't think he even put together yeah and like it wasn't like
she wasn't like being like uh she wasn't like getting a free meal like she was being nice
because he asked her out yeah he was kind of dorky and she's like yeah but that's what i mean
it was like yeah i don't know that girl's getting dicked down by some other guy but yeah i'll go on
a date with this guy and he's excited maybe hook up maybe you don't now it seems like I don't know. That girl's getting dicked down by some other guy. But, yeah, I'll go on a date with this guy. And he's excited.
Maybe you hook up.
Maybe you don't.
Now it seems like, I don't know.
That's a tough scene.
We were all like, it was like they met on like the,
it had like a sliding door to the porch.
And we were all like in the kitchen just like,
I can't see this.
I can't hear it.
Stop.
Dude, I've always thought that's very funny.
Like every friend group has this.
Pretty much.
And it also makes you realize that whoever you end up with is this version of someone else's friend group where like
you know there's a girl in the crew it's like oh we've all fucked that girl yeah and or like
she's just you know a guy or girl like this person is despicable and that will be the love of
someone's life you know and which is fine totally totally that's that's just the way of the world but it is funny that like there was a girl not to know it but like well that's the
thing it's kind of an unspoken thing like there was a girl uh who was like in one of my groups
of friends it was like the girl and she ended up finding this guy i think she ended up marrying
him we called him the guy with the teeth he just had big teeth he was the guy with the teeth and
we were always just like do you think the guy with the teeth. He just had big teeth. He was the guy with the teeth. And we were always just like, do you think the guy with the teeth knows what all happened here?
And I don't think the guy with the teeth knew.
And I don't think he wants to know.
Nor should you tell him.
With a guy, there's the guy who slept with everyone.
The girl who takes him in, it's more like endearing for her.
Yeah.
Like, I remember I was out to eat.
Yeah, I think it's like you tamed him almost.
Yeah.
Like, I remember I was out to dinner with my buddy
and his fiance,
and he was that friend.
He was...
He fucked everything.
Like, it was...
If John's saying it like that
With his voice going
That's his man
Was he really hot?
No
He was just a fucking numbers guy
He wasn't ugly
But he like
He just
He just fucking
Pumped numbers
And
He has
Still my favorite
Stealing
Of all time
I've told this before but like i have one
buddy who's like six five like just like looks like the fucking just you know just looks like
a guy that in a bar is yeah you know picks up chicks and this buddy is a shorter guy and my
buddy was talking to a girl and and he my short friend wedges way between the two of them and he's going he's going look at
that look how tall he is everything has been handed to him his whole life he goes me i've
had to grind for everything i'll pin your legs your feet to the headboard and fuck you through
the wall and and guess what he took that girl home but But his fiance was like, oh, I know all about Brendan.
Don't worry.
And then she goes, and just so you know, I'm a financial advisor.
He lives with me.
Oh, you took in a stray dog.
Yeah.
I also think that there's kind of, as long as you're somewhat secure with it, I think
the goal probably for a girl is like you
want a guy who other girls like yeah that's yeah i can't fuck all these girls i am cool i am coveted
but i'm turning turning it off yeah that's you know as long as you're like clean yeah like that's
kind of the dream right because the guy who is like oh i've never fucked anybody before and i
like worship you.
Girls are always like.
There's always a dream of like I can change him.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He'll be different for me.
Yeah.
And when it is different for you, you're like, I did that.
Yeah.
Because they make it feel as if you are different.
Right.
And then.
Well, there is some level.
I mean, if it's like I, you know, get any girl I want and I've decided to now be monogamous for you, there is a level.
Yeah.
That's, you know, I got that WAP.
By the way, I'm going to have a birthday party eventually.
I feel like I need to say that because I think people started to think that I was like a total social misfit weirdo.
That I did like literally nothing for my 40th birthday.
The amount of people that were asking me like,
what do you want to do?
What do you want to get?
And I was like,
like not none of it.
I don't want any of this,
you know,
but I know I have to do something for my 40th birthday.
What I wanted to do is have people over my house.
My house is not done.
So I,
rather than do something else I didn't want to do,
I'm just going to have a party.
Eventually it'll just be probably for my 41st birthday at this rate,
but I am going to do that
and i i started to get self-conscious that people thought i'm like some sort of like howard hughes
reclusive weirdo that like has no friends or family at 40. have you said that huh i guess
you said it in here yeah maybe i didn't like say it publicly or whatever the gifts are unbelievable
dude the gifts forget so the the gifts from she Shay were my favorite thing that's maybe ever happened to me as a father so far
because that was as much effort as a nine-year-old can put into a gift.
You can't go out and buy things.
If you don't know, I made a video of it.
It's on my Instagram.
She handed me a box, a big box, and it was heavy, and Scotch taped it up like a motherfucker.
She said, I taped it up because it wouldn't fit all the stuff.
I couldn't close the top.
I was like, damn, I got a hole.
And it was what?
It was a football from two years ago that we've had in the house forever.
Two boxes of jewelry that I bought for her.
Two children's books.
A toothbrush cover.
And a Dance Dad t-shirt. It looks like a strip club t-shirt. It looks, and a Dance Dad t-shirt.
It's like a strip club t-shirt.
It looks exactly like a strip club t-shirt.
It's got like a silhouette of a girl like this.
It looks exactly like a strip club t-shirt. I pulled it out of the box like upside down, and I was like, that's a stripper's t-shirt.
Big time, big time.
Was it like for her dance company?
Yeah, like her dance.
Yeah, yeah.
I bought that, you know, like some fundraiser or whatever.
But she was so proud of it.
And then the card was the best part.
The card said, I love you like Travis Loves Taylor.
And it said, thank you for doing a lot.
Capitalize and underline.
Thank you for doing a lot for this 9 to 10-year-old girl.
She wrote 9-10.
I don't know, something like that.
Not in the ballpark you can tell
she wants to be 10 but she's not yet you can't say it but i thought that was very cute that she
was like recognizing how much i do for her it was very it was very cute but then like my actual
gifts were like i mean i got like a robe these are gifts that i love by the way i got like a like
kind of one of these things but it's more like just to wear in the house that I love, and I wear every single night now.
So I got a robe and milk.
Milk?
Milk.
Like raw milk or something?
I got two glass jars of chocolate milk.
You know when you get milk?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's it called? Milkman?
The Milkman delivers milk? I got that. It came along. milk and like a like you know when you get like milk like yeah milk man the milk man like delivers
yeah i got that it came along like the regular milk came with uh i got like freshly baked cookies
and then they were like this is the best chocolate milk like you know in the world and i was like
i hate how much i love this like any you know just just milk in a robe yeah milk and a robe. Milk and a robe. What would you get Santa?
And the box Shay got me didn't have Santa Claus on it.
I am just turning into Santa.
I'm Scott Calvin.
Shay, by the way, has – this is – I was thinking that maybe this past year was going to be – I was like, I don't know if Shay will believe in Santa anymore because she's getting on that age.
And as we were approaching the Christmas season, she had legitimate concerns that i would become santa claus like scott calvin she was like i don't
want you to do that if if if something happens i'm gonna be so legit she was talking like that
i was like this is so bizarre to be old enough to have the like vocabulary and the emotions to
be like i'm gonna be mad at you if you do that but still be dumb enough to think that's it and i was like i remember that being like nope she
still believes we're gonna have to do the whole thing yep we're not even close i might have a
couple more years you meet with her prom day be like don't don't have her home by 10 and if she
doesn't believe in santa when she back here. When did you stop believing?
Like fifth grade.
But I remember.
So I say fifth grade too, and it gets that reaction.
So I'm like, I must be misremembering.
Fourth grade was like the first ticket.
But I remember from day one being like, you guys, this is kind of crazy.
What do you mean a man is coming in?
That's literally how I feel about pregnant people.
I feel like it's like, I'm just'm just like guys what are we talking about and then santa ended up being fake and like i don't know i i remember i feel like my i don't know if it's
friend group or neighborhood or whatever did found out late because we didn't have any jewish kids
so like no one was spoiling it yeah it's always always a jew max bonds max bonds was the kid in my class he was just like this shit's fake
so you're a terrorist yeah you're a fucking terrorist this is the definition of terrorism
you are using political powers to try and change the world i i i mean i don't think it was fifth grade for me It was I'll say this
I remember I was in a trailer
And I
You know I remember like school
Like it was like they just like put trailers
And I was only in a trailer in second and fifth grade
So I guess it could have been second
But I remember I was
I was in line
If it's second you've like innocence lost
You like missed your childhood
If it's fifth you're a fucking retard i mean i say that who knows i mean yeah
maybe i was like in seventh grade who knows i like i so vividly remember just like standing
in a trailer like on the way out to recess and someone just turned around like saying it's not
i that i found the gifts that's what happened to me see i i my brother tried to stop me
from going into if i had
found the gifts because we you do get gifts from your parents at christmas yeah i think they could
have spun that but my brother was like trying to run interference and then i was like what's like
get out of the way let me see it and then i put it all together i never i always knew where the
gifts were and i just i'd never like i never put together that they said you're really stupid it
was like my mom just told us.
She's like, if you want to ruin your Christmas,
the toys are in the closet in my bedroom.
And I'd be like, all right, see you later.
And I'd go look in the closet.
But you still thought it was Santa?
Yeah, I guess.
I don't know if I ever even really believed.
You were hungry.
You weren't eating.
I don't even remember how old I was
when I learned about the closet.
And I would just check every year.
And so I don't know.
I definitely obviously believed in Santa.
Fidelberg spent his childhood in the closet.
Checks out.
I remember finding my parents' sex dice in there once.
And I was like, no!
Yo, Pauly rolling like 69 and shit.
It was everything, dude.
Everything.
What are these dice for?
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We got Barstool drama in the Chicago office.
That shit is messy over there, huh?
I saw a second of it, and then I turned into Max.
And I was like, no, no, no, no.
It's like reality.
Yo, this is your business.
I don't need to be involved in this at all.
At all.
I saw Danny Conrad posted a video where the audio was just a song.
So I don't know what she was saying.
I saw that.
But she was, it was like Hitler giving a speaker.
I saw that and I was like, I was having like PTSD.
I was like, oh my God, I feel so bad for Nikki.
Like, run man, run rails.
Like as a girl and like Nikki Smoke seems awesome.
And he seems like a good looking guy.
But when I heard that
he was like put on a
pit basically because
he like big cat had to
tell him that if he
like fucks one more
girl in the office,
he's thrown out.
There's gotta be
another guy other than
Nikki smoke.
No offense to Nikki
smoke.
It can't only be
Nikki smoke.
Rudy, where are you?
I don't, I don't know.
No, I'll tell you what it is. It's a bunch of guys who
are smart enough to not fuck people at work.
There's always a couple idiots.
I got an email
sent to the office.
Dude, John,
it was the most
it was the most
I got a company email sent.
A company email. It was like, hey,
everybody, don't fuck each other.
Like, in parentheses, John.
It was like the whole office got it and not one person needed it.
It was like, I forget.
This is from Erica.
It's like, there are 8 million people in New York City.
Stop fucking each other.
I mean, Barcelona was crazy are it is just like a
lifestyle that you live you're not just fucking a co it's not just a co-worker that's like who
you hang out with and who you party with and who you're working with you know it's a little bit
different but boy do we everybody fuck each other but actually it's not it's really not it's it's
but it's just it's repeat offenders people do do it seem to do it all the goddamn time
as someone who's worked in corporate america i you ask me, I'm asking you the question,
it doesn't seem like it's an insane amount.
It seems like about how much at a regular office.
I think it's just that it –
Everyone meets at work now.
Yeah.
Everyone I know that's in a relationship.
I think just people at Barstool are like a little like – most people are like in a corporate setting.
We might get fired or we have to disclose this to HR or or whatever i think people are a little more lucifer so whether they
realize it or not they're lucifer well but that like that also makes sense as far as like the
kind of person who works here which is like you're at least there's something about you
that makes the world think you have a personality maybe yeah so there's a personality some charisma
you put a bunch of people who are charismatic and in their 20s in a fucking building we're gonna fuck each other yeah yeah i mean it's
a reality show it's basically a reality show i uh i did think it was funny though like
watching nicky nick navigate that was funny like where he was kind of like trying to be polite
but then he had a tweet that said like city boy's up and then she was like
well this city boy
just told me that
he loves me this morning
and he made another video
being like
I'm not trying to like
I don't want to rock the boat
that was a little
mischaracterized
I'm not causing you a problem
I didn't say that though
it was very like
trying to keep your pride
but also not rock the boat
too much
but yeah
that was a mess
some of those tweets
from Annika were like
when she called them dumb and dumber i was like oh man yo let me say this
one of the downfalls of society is sharing locations oh it is insane again that people
do that that's a strictly female thing as far as i know none of my friends
well well i'm saying okay yes girls share with each other but then also guys like
couples will do it i've done it once in a couple it was a mistake by both of us like we both didn't
mean to do it but it was it was the worst thing that's ever happened dude and i'm not i'm not
it's not about cheating and shit it's just about like having freedom like your own agency to be
like if i want to
stop and get a sandwich get a drink like i'm not coming right home like i just want to like live
my life and i have someone gps tracking me that's like to me that's like abuse like if you want to
find out there was a controlling man who was like i need to track your look i put a i'm putting a
geo uh apple tag on you everywhere you go People would be like This is a form of abuse
And somehow it's just
Gotten accepted through
Like find my friends
It's fucking crazy
When I accidentally did it
Again it was
Cause then you can't undo it
Cause you can't undo it
Yeah
So like we
Like I just
It weighed on me
It really
Yeah
Everywhere I was like
She knows exactly where I am
And I wasn't even doing anything
I was just like
Oh god she knows my home
Dude even when it's like I don't even like when i i had a girlfriend once
who just liked knowing what flight i was on and i like we got in a fight about that where i was
like you have to stop find like just if my plane crashes you will hear about it okay it'll be a
big fucking thing even being like you know i'm a little late and you're like i'm in traffic and it's like no
you're not you're still at the apartment right those little white lies you should be able to
tell yeah if you can't even tell those things like you will end up you will end up at each other's
for sure and then the girls i feel like girls do it under the guise of like safety and i i think a
lot of times it's not gonna do that i think there is something like i want to make sure you're home
you're out on a date
With a new guy
We'll check in on you
And then I also think
It's like
What's Jackie doing tonight
Girls also do
We like need each other's locations
For safety reasons
Like
I think you
To an extent
To an age
To an age
But I'm saying
I think that then
It's like
You should turn it on and off
Yeah yeah yeah
And they don't
Because it's like
I'm going out Saturday night My location's on Yeah On yeah, yeah. And they don't because it's like –
I'm going out Saturday night at my location.
Yeah, yeah.
And it stays on.
On a Wednesday afternoon, you don't need to know where the fuck I am.
It's funny.
Like the second I walk in my door in my apartment, like I'll get calls
because people have been tracking me.
Like they know when I'm home.
So you're looking a lot.
That's crazy.
I personally like – I'm not saying like – I just – I really don't like being tracked in.
Like I really don't like –
Yeah.
Like that's like you shouldn't! That shouldn't be the oddity
I don't have the attention span to follow another app
But I do see the
Why girls
I see its benefits
I think it should be
Utilized less often
I think that's why it starts
And that's what people say it is
And they do use it for that reason.
But then they will also be like,
this bitch said she was going to stay in tonight and she's out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wanted to fucking go out.
Everybody should be able to like,
I remember like the first time I was like single and living on my own.
And I was just like,
I can do whatever I want,
whenever I want,
wherever I want or not. You, wherever I want, or not.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
That was a great feeling.
That's like the best part of breaking up is like, I don't know.
I'm going to go somewhere.
No one's going to know where I am.
I'm going to go to some dive bar.
I'm going to go to some strip club.
I'm going to go be a dirtbag.
I'm going to go be lazy.
The world is your oyster, you know?
And having anybody just be like, oh, so you were at this place last night.
Fucking get out of here. Let me get my life the feeling of being like and it happens so
rarely nowadays but like the feeling of being like no one knows where i am or what i'm doing
it's so rare it's awesome dude my dad has an android and it's like so annoying for like
you know group texts for the babies the pictures the kids can't do it and my mom like hates it and
she's like get get an iphone and he's like nope he's like i don't like i'm not doing the cloud
i'm not sharing locations i'm not doing this i'm not doing that and and i i didn't know it was like
like he's very on purpose getting an android to avoid all that. We went to lunch the other day for my birthday.
And we sit down and we were just watching like a burger joint.
And he was like, I'll have a water and a glass of Pinot Grigio.
And like before he has like a sip of it, he's like, another water and another Pinot Grigio.
He ends up having a bottle of wine at lunch.
And he goes, as I was walking out the door, your mother told me, no drinking at lunch,
so I am.
I didn't even want to. I wasn't planning on it.
But then she said that,
and now I'm doing this.
Which is like, it's such a
weird mindset.
But I kind of almost
accepted that recently, too.
I was like, oh, when people tell me to do something, I gonna do it I'm gonna do the opposite yeah yeah I if I tell
you I'm gonna do something I will do it if you tell me to do something I'm doing the opposite
and like I genuinely I don't want to be like that I don't like it about me I think it's a
bad character trait but it is what it is but it's there and it just happens somebody tells me like
don't be late I'm gonna be late like there's something. But it's there. And it just happens. If somebody tells me, like, don't be late, I'm going to be late.
Like, there's something subconsciously.
It's a terrible trait on my, like, whatever.
But, like, I had a friend who would, like, track me.
Yeah, she did.
Whatever.
And I was like, I don't know how to explain this to you,
but the more you yell at me for being late, the more late I'm going to be.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sorry.
It's with everything. I used to think of it as like i used to not even register it and now like
because i consciously try and think about it and fix it i'm like dude this is like you're
you might be retarded like like everything someone tells you to do you're just gonna do
the opposite why are you like that it's so insanely childlike but the fact that it is there's something like biological because it's it's like every guy
and a lot of adults in general it's just like there's some knee-jerk reaction to be like nope
i'm doing the opposite except at work like if i work i will do exactly what you tell me to do
if you it's a personal it's in personal life. It's a personal life. I don't know.
You just want some kind of freedom.
Yes, that's really it.
At work, I spend all day doing what people tell me to do.
I'm like, here, I'm going to do what I want to do.
Yeah, especially when a girl is telling you what to wear or that kind of shit where they're changing those things.
It's like, no, now I'm going to dress like fuck.
Well, not for you.
Someone ever had the audacity?
Oh, what I'm going to wear?
You're wearing those shoes with that top
like i would never take advice from somebody wearing a floral what are you fucking insane
i would i i've i'll say this to the camera right now i've never fist fought a woman
if a fucking woman tried to tell me what to wear at night we'd throw that i've had a girl
tell you what to wear i don't think so no it out. Have you ever had a girl try and tell you what to wear? I don't think so, no.
For him, that makes sense.
But the average guy is going to get like,
wear these pants or wear these shirts.
I've done it to women.
I've been like, I don't know about that.
Have you ever seen those videos where
all of the guys in the group wear the the brown shirt yeah you know and like it just
highlights that every girl is like here wear this shirt and they're just like okay fine
i always and that's not like i mean if a girl got me a shirt was like hey i got you this gift like
and then i wore it fine but to be like we're going out tonight here's here's your clothes
is insane i i i don't think i've never had a woman buy me clothes i have been shopping
with women before and they'll be like i like this i'm like why don't you keep your opinions
i know you do why don't you go sit in a chair over there i'll handle this thank you
i've always like i mean as much as i will dress like like when it comes time to dress or something
i know how to and i have the clothes to do it.
Like, when I'm just fucking around, I'm wearing athleisure wear, all that shit.
But I can understand if you are, like, some guys really don't know what the fuck to.
I never understood.
I don't get the guys who, like, when there are guys who are like, I don't know how to do laundry.
What do you fucking mean?
Like, you might be bad at it.
Maybe you don't fold well. Maybe whatever. There's three steps. You put it in. You push a might be bad at it maybe you don't fold well
maybe whatever steps you put it in you put the so you push a button it's like it's like it's like
saying you don't know how to shower it's like what but i can understand but even you know like to me
it's like you can't just look at a mannequin look at a fucking anybody on television like
maybe you don't have like amazing style but you can put together a shirt and a pants that's appropriate for an evening.
It's not that fucking hard.
I'm not saying you're going to walk the runway or people are going to be wowed by it.
But the people who just show up like, oh, wow, this is what you chose?
I think it's – this is my own thought here, obviously.
It's kind of like tribalism, right?
Where you're trying to dress with your tribe to
show like this is the group i'm part of yeah and it's just for some reason guys wear mesh shorts
and t-shirts they want to be like i'm a man and this is what men wear i don't know why they do
but you're right like the majority of men do wear that i mean i i definitely as i've gotten older
have kids going to like
events with kids i'm like i don't really give a fuck what i look like right now so and i and that
you know i could give me 20 more years yeah like maybe it gets ugly you know what i mean it might
get ugly but it's always it's never like you know like adam sandler i mean he could do it because
he has half a billion dollars but it's you know i don't think i'm ever walking around somewhere
where people would be like oh my god like this guy's depressed or something but i can like it's a slippery slope
i can see where it's like you know all of a sudden i'm like i'm just going to practice i'm just going
to that game i'm just going to this thing i'm gonna wear whatever and you when you're 40 one
thing when you're 50 but it's just much – there's so much to wear.
Yeah.
Yeah, and it's – Then you want to be like, what do I look like in that?
I don't know.
Isn't that kind of interesting?
I guess – but I guess there are people who don't care.
The same way – I don't know.
Just something you don't care about that other people would.
You're like, it means nothing to me.
I've tried to care about most things I don't care about.
What would you say is like a good example of something something that the average guy cares about you don't?
I don't care about sports drama.
I guess it's kind of like reality TV type.
I don't care about trades or acquisitions.
Obviously, there has been one in the past few days that has greatly affected me.
But 99% of the time,
I like the Bruins and the Patriots.
When you lose someone like Tom Brady, Brad Martian,
Chris Bergeron, that's a big deal. I thought you were going to say
WAGs and scandals
and shit. But trade is an acquisition.
That's your team. I get
excited, but I'm rooting for the Bruins no matter
who's on the team. So yes, that's
great, and hopefully they're better, but whatever happens, I'm going to be rooting for the Bruins no matter who's on it yeah so like yes that's great and hopefully they're better but like whatever happens i'm going to be rooting for the bruins
right so i kind of have less of a it's not that i don't care about them i don't follow them
like like you know nfl free agency started yesterday or last yeah i don't know who the
pats have signed right i'm probably not as as heavy and just like the mess i am but in general
sports like like i i can't tell you like who – guys outside of my teams now, I have no fucking idea.
And I'm sure there are guys who are like I can't fathom not caring about sports that way, the same way that you're like, what do you mean you don't care about your outfit?
I just want to see the two teams on the field.
Like I like watching sports.
I don't –
I think I don't like watching sports.
See, I'm the –
I think I like – I think I'm the total opposite of you.
I like the storylines. I'll check – like I could probably watch't like watching sports. I think I'm the total opposite of you. I like the storylines.
I could probably watch a Mets season through the box score
and just be like, how many games back are we?
Who's up?
Who's down?
I don't know if I need to see the play.
See, again, this is something I've learned about myself
and finally accepted.
I like watching the sports.
I do not like –
I like watching the sports. I not like I like watching the sports
I kind of found it like during the Olympics
When I was like
It was just like
Hey you want to see which one of these ten guys is the fastest
Yeah that actually
I kind of fuck with
I actually do
Who can lift their sting up the highest
Yeah
Funny you say that
I'd love to see which one of these guys is the strongest
And like I kind of feel that with football
Or any sport
It's like
You want to see which of these two teams is the best Yeah Basket i kind of feel like football like what's like or any sport it's like you want to see which of these two teams is best like yeah and basketball
was well this one's got a son like i don't fucking care you know what i mean like yeah they do like
the personal pieces and stuff like that whatever to me it was like basketball i i baseball i'm like
it's like in my blood it's weird basketball i like the sport of basketball like the movement
and the plays and the shots and but it got to a point where i was like i just watching the nba i just didn't really care anyway i don't care about any other sports
game besides if the knicks mets or jets are on okay i saw everything else is unwatchable right
yeah it's just like i just don't care you're not well you're not a gambler gamble a little bit
yeah that's the other thing i mean people gamble are in on everything if you're not dude but again
now despite all this i did not have a great weekend because of Brad Marchand getting traded.
That was – I think that is going to –
I didn't know he was there since 2006.
Drafted in 2006.
I think he got called from the Bruins.
I would have told you that he joined, like, during my Barstool tenure, which would be way off.
Well, this is kind of what happened with Marchand.
And I'll be very brief with this because I know people don't care about hockey.
Like, he got called up to the team in 09, made a pretty immediate impact.
But I think 11 was when he was drafted.
09?
06.
He was drafted 06.
Oh, okay.
I thought he was in the league in 06.
No, I think October 09 is when he got called up from providence um but like really didn't make like become who he is until like 12 13 no i he yes he was he was a
merlot line guy in 11 which is like the fourth line right but he would i remember being the nose
face and the pest and all that and all of a sudden he was scoring like 40 goals right that that was
probably more like 2016 oh wow it was a while
ago which is a weird career he's had he's had such an incredible career like it's so cool where he
like he i genuinely believe no it is great i i genuinely believe he is a perfect hockey player
like he is exactly what you need in a hockey player yeah he's a guy who's willing to do
anything for his team.
He'll lick a face.
He'll score a goal.
It does not matter.
He literally licked a guy's face.
He's going to make – Can you not do that?
Look, there it is.
I mean, you're not supposed to.
It's frowned upon.
Yeah.
He will make his presence known.
All that good stuff, whatever.
I don't need to wax poetic about his hockey playing abilities.
But once he got traded, it really set in that like i think it will have an effect on on
how i view sports going forward yeah because i think this is yeah i was called i was talking
to my buddy on i think he was traded friday so i was driving home and we call i had a call about
it because he lives out in california I was like, dude, am I crazy?
In the sense that this has really affected my connection to the team.
And he's like, dude, I was thinking the same thing
because he is our last player from our youth.
Everyone on the Boston team now is like 24.
But I remembered him when I was a kid.
Again, not a kid. I think I was 20, 21, something when i was yeah i was a kid not again not a kid i think i
was 20 21 something like that but i was young and i was like oh like this is my like connection
through sports to my youth and this is my connection to like my hometown yeah and now
like that's like you live you're an adult who lives in new york who like who like fought like
like it's no longer like the bruins in particular like, a big part of my childhood. Like, you go to games a lot and all that kind of stuff.
And I was like, oh.
Literally the quote, my family is your family.
Like, this is, like, now the Bruins were a connection to home for me.
Yeah.
Now they're a team I root for from afar.
Well, not in the same regard, but my brother said to me on my birthday, he said,
Happy birthday. There's only one basketball player left who's who's older than me it's just
lebron lebron is the only one all right there might be one other maybe it was but i'm pretty
sure it's just lebron no i think he i think it was those two and lebron has me beat by like he's
like a month older than me so that's pretty close i so it's like aaron rogers in football
and there's a couple other like not not no-names, but guys –
because you can't be a no-name and last that long.
Yeah.
And there's like Max Scherzer.
There's like five guys in sports left.
Which is just crazy to me that like – because I still will always look at a –
oh, I didn't really look at hockey.
I guess there's a handful of hockeyists.
What's the oldest?
No, so I'm older than everyone in hockey.
There's no, like, 20.
How old's Ovi?
Ovi's, like, 39.
Wow.
Yeah, he's already, like, 17, right?
Yeah, that's crazy.
He looks crazy old.
I used to love Julio.
Yeah, Julio Franco was, like, 55 playing baseball.
I wish he was still around because, yeah, I mean,
I'm at the point where, like, give it a couple more years and there will be nobody in professional sports
that,
uh,
that is older than me.
And that is like,
you are fucking old.
How old was he?
Uh,
he was 49.
Crazy.
He was playing like pro,
like at a decent level,
49 years old.
Marsha was also one of the guys who like,
it's like your grandfather. He was like, like at a decent level 49 years old marshan was also one of the guys who like looks like your grandfather he was like like it's fun to root for the guys who aren't perfect yeah
right like yeah i wrote a blog on it and i had said that like growing up when i was a kid i'm
like yeah kid uh like poppy and manny were like the two guys right and poppy was face of the
franchise perfect smile said the right things.
Manny was an asshole.
Best pure hitter.
Oh, okay.
He was just like – he was kind of like – he was incredibly talented, obviously,
but he was like the person that Sports Talk would call and be like,
Manny might be a problem.
Might have to put him on waivers.
Might have to move him.
All kinds of stuff.
And Marchand was always that guy.
And I like those guys.
I like the guys who are like, look, I'm going to try my best,
but I'm going to be myself too. I'm going to be a be a human i'm not gonna be like the corporate face of this yeah and i like even even marshan today i'm sure he was joking when he said it because
i read it but like he was sam bennett is on the panthers and he's an asshole but he i killed
him on my team and he was asked at his press conference like what do you think
about your new teammate
Sam Bennett
and he just went
yeah still a scumbag
he's probably laughing
when he said it
that's a great quote
do I have a tan yet
he's so fucking funny
he's the best
god I love you Brad
wait sorry where did he go
Florida
Florida Panthers
does he have a wife
or a kid
yeah
this is like
one of those things
I probably shouldn't
even speak on but like
i i i don't know why i i when he was young he started dating a girl and she already had a kid
and they're married and they have their own kids now as well and he raised this child
and i think that's fucking so cool like i think that like i think that speaks a lot to your
character if you're like a 26 year old millionaire and you're in a hockey town and you're like well
i just love this person the baggage she comes with.
Not that it's baggy.
You know what I mean?
It is baggage.
Yeah, trust me.
It's baggage.
Yeah.
I think that's cool to be like, at that time, Brad Marchand could have dated anybody.
And he's like, I don't know.
I like this person.
Shout out to Eric Robbins.
Stepdad.
Season 8's Valentine's Day premiere, February 14th is when that is,
coincides with the five-year anniversary of Love is Blind on Netflix.
We talk about it on this episode.
Love is Blind is back with a brand new set of hopeful singles from Minnesota
ready to fall in love and get engaged, sight unseen.
But once they're faced with the complications of the outside world,
will they say, I do?
Just when you think you know exactly what to expect from this season of Love is Blind,
a new set of authentic singles shows us there is more to reveal about their stories,
modern love, and maybe even ourselves.
One of the best parts of watching Love is Blind is being part of the conversation about it.
The group texts and memes are top notch and part of what we love to bond over.
Watch Love is blind season 8 now
playing on netflix and don't miss the reunion this past sunday which is now available on netflix as
well at 6 at 6 p.m what'd you do this weekend jackie um i had a birthday party and i went on a date. Oh, spicy. How'd it go?
Where'd you meet?
Well, this, I actually like told, I can't tell the story yet.
I told him on Fishbowl and it's like not, it's not.
Everyone was like, that was crazy.
They said that.
So I can't say it again.
I'm not.
No, no, no, no.
Just say it.
We're not recording right now.
Just say it.
You edit this, right?
Take it out. Well, yeah, I guess I can take it out that's why i can't i can't this should i say on fishbowl is like i don't because because like i know i'm not
gonna ever have to deal with it again so i don't want to say that okay basically so i meet this guy
at a bar first of all like we're at this bar and all my friends are like who's the hottest guy at
the bar they point to this guy and this guy comes and sits right next to me and so then is that pretty rare for you by the way or that happens
enough like i'm i'm always thinking that you guys are always doing shit on apps and all that but
like people still will just like meet at a bar and talk oh i thought you're saying like does a hot
guy um but yeah well that too but i mean like you'll still do in-person shit like that or it's
like i i came with my friends but i found a guy at the bar yeah uh yeah yeah it happens i i mean guys come up to me all the time okay so hot guys
is next to you okay so hot guys that's next to me and then we like start talking i can't i'm not
gonna tell you have to tell it you have to tell it okay you have to tell it okay so then so then
we're like whatever and then he's like do you want to come back to mine i was like no i'm not gonna
like yeah i'm not gonna do that like whatever and then he was like okay like let's just hang out like can
you want to just like walk me home like i'm close and i was like i already know i know that move
i'll walk into your door i'll be walking up the steps
i was just like but i I was like, okay, but
just so you know, don't even get your hopes up.
Nothing's happening. Heard that too.
So then we
walked to his
and I'm like, alright. And then he's like,
and then somehow I end up in his apartment.
You don't say.
You don't say.
Shocking.
So then, so then, I'm taking this off.
No, this is so good.
This is what the people want.
So then I, he, like, we start making out, whatever.
So I'm sucking his dick.
You know how sometimes it's hard to stop that train once it starts? Yeah. and then so I'm sucking his dick so like
you know how like
sometimes it's like
hard to stop that train
like once it starts
yeah
that's what we do
that's what we do
all you gotta do
is get in the door
I'll tell you something
Jackie
that train started
back at the bar
that train started
when he sat
down next to you
I was just like
he's good
like
I was like
he's good
like damn
I was not supposed to be here and so then so then like it just like, he's good. I was like, he's good. Like, damn, I was not supposed to be here.
And so then, so then like, um, it just like gets to the point where like, and I was like,
I'm not having sex with you.
Like, like, I don't like, like, I'm not being like, oh, I don't do that.
Like, I really just don't do that.
Like on the first, whatever.
But then I was like, then I felt bad that like,
That happens too. That happens too. Well, i can't not fuck then it came to like a
natural part where like it would have been where i would have sucked so then so then i'm like
really like so then he like pants off whatever and like i'm like he'm like, he got pants off. So he really did.
I mean, I thought you were going to stop it.
No, no, no, no, no.
So then, cause then I was like trying, but then I was like, okay, I got like making out.
Like now we're getting to the point of no return.
Like I have to like make it out now.
And so he like, like takes the stick out whenever.
And I'm like literally face to face with the stick.
And also like, I just like, I got like when I get tired, like when I'm drunk, like I'm,
I'm, so then I was like, I don't feel, I got, like, when I get tired, like, when I'm drunk, I'm,
so then I was like, I don't feel like sucking a dick to completion right now.
I'll suck it halfway.
I'll get it 40%, but.
I'm tired.
I want to go home.
Like, I can't do the whole.
Wait, you just told him I don't feel like sucking a dick.
No, no, no.
So then I didn't, I couldn't say, like, hey, know, I didn't mean to do this whole song.
It's just the physical strenuousness.
I would.
It's not the dick in the mouth.
It's the tire.
I'll spit on it.
You do the rest.
Here, you can jerk off.
Let me just.
Literally.
So then, and I was like, you know, also like, I don't like sleeping with somebody on the first night because like i never feel good about myself and i'm definitely not gonna feel good
about myself i just suck his dick and leave so all together like he takes out his dick and i'm
just realizing like this isn't gonna happen this is gonna work so i like just look up at him and i
was like i have to go right after he had like and he was like oh sorry and like he like so like and
then i realized that he like he like puts a bag like it really
he did the seinfeld like he took it out yeah and i was just like no and then and so then i was like
that's pretty gangster but that but then then i felt bad then i was like oh my god now he's gonna
think like like he had like a great dick like i was like i don't want to make him feel bad about
his like dick whatever so then i felt bad so then i started being like tell me you started
complimenting this guy's dick well yeah that came later but then i started like acting like i had a panic attack i was like i'm so sorry
like i don't know what's happening like i'm panicking like whatever and then i was like
now now i'm being weird now it seems like i had like some for some reason and i was drunk so i
was like now it seems like i like have been sexually assaulted. Yeah, so then I start saying I swear I wasn't raped
Don't worry I wasn't raped like I know I'm here too
Like in the past like oh
I see I see and like so then like also like then I leave and like and I'm complimenting like I'm out the door
I'm complimenting, as I'm out the door, I'm like, great dick, by the way. Like, really, like, really, like.
Just two packs.
I'm like, great dick is great.
Great head, like, big.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, but I just, you know, I'm just, like, freaking out.
I just kind of need to get out of here.
But I wasn't raped.
So then I wake up the next morning, and I was like, and I have so much anxiety now. I was like and I have so much anxiety
and I was like
I just
I said rape entirely
too many times
like
like
man
I really like
one or two times
I maybe could have
gotten away with
by the eighth shot
like
you should never be
saying rape more than like
unless you're in a court
you know
so then
I was like
alright
I'm just gonna like
Jackie got raped
on the way home
and she's like
I can't say anything
about this
I've been in a corner
too many times
in my corner
it's like
you just know
when you hit your max
on that sometimes
so then he like
had texted me back
and he's like
hey
well that's a plus
that he even texted you
I'd be like
that rape girl
has gotta go
so to answer the question
it is crazy in the streets
if you're getting a text back
well she wasn't so bad.
You're in his phone as a rape girl.
What's going on with you tonight?
When he texted, I was like, are you sure?
So then, but it was like a make sure you get home safe,
like so sorry if anything happened again.
He was definitely worried.
He was more damage control.
That was like, this is for legal purposes.
Can you put in writing that i didn't bring you yeah so then like yeah like again i had woken up just being like damn like i really like have so much anxiety about that
and i was like i'm just i can't like deal with this i'm not gonna text back like i'm just gonna
ghost him like this just i'm just gonna take the l and ghost him and i did two days later he says hey by the way like i think you left a ring here
and i look down i'm missing my grandma's dead oh my god and i was like the one you can't do
that oh my god i didn't even see your text before so sorry um what you took what you take that ring
off no it just like fell off i can't touch a penis with my grandma's dead aunt's ring.
It's really like jewelry.
Like something in the girl world is jewelry always knows when you're being a little slut.
I never have jewelry fall off except for when I'm being a little slut.
So then I text her, oh my God, like, hey, like so happy to text like that you texted me like
like we have to see each other again because I need to get that ring back and then we like
didn't coordinate like we could not figure it out for the life of me until finally yesterday
and I saw him and I got my ring back and then I think there's a little a little low connection
here no no no no okay I, no, no. Okay.
I was going to say, if you can get through this whole rape fiasco thing,
that maybe, and, like, he still is coming around,
that maybe he really likes you. I was kind of, like, and also it was just, like,
I was not on my A game that night, like, entirely at all.
Like, I was just being weird.
Yeah.
We've established that, Jacqueline.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then, like, I just, I don't know.
So then yesterday, especially, I was not on my A game either.
I was already just like, damn, you've seen way too much.
And, like, we just have to call this quits.
And I just, I could feel it.
I was not on my A game.
I was just saying really dumb stuff.
Like, I was just like, I don't know.
I just started telling him about, like, random stuff.
And I was just like, why am I saying this right now?
Anyways, it didn't go well.
And he actually hasn't texted me.
I was going to say, I'm surprised.
Because it's such a testament to guys that I'm thinking,
if that was me, I'd probably look past all this.
You what?
I'd look past all this.
Oh, yeah.
Really?
If I thought the girl was hot, and we were talking at the bar,
and it was fun, and then like, all right, yeah, you didn't suck my dick, but we had some fun on the first night.
It's actually kind of the perfect thing.
It's like you look like you're down to clown, but you did draw the line.
You're enough of a lady.
And then the rape stuff, I'd be like, I'm looking past all that.
I would be like, yeah, that chick's nuts.
Yeah, yeah.
But like in a good way.
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah but then but then i think
it's kind of like i was nuts then i ended up being nuts not in like a hot slutty way just in like uh
what's going on with her kind of yeah i can see that getting in a dark room you just constantly
and then and then he like definitely got the wrong idea Because then he kept being like Don't you wish we could just Then oh god
He also like had an alarm
He had an alarm
To watch the sunset
And he goes
Sorry that's just my
Like sunset alarm
Oh
Oh
Fuck this guy
What is that even
That is like he gets up
That is the worst thing
I've ever heard
Wait sunset or sunrise
Sunset
Like at night
What time was this
Like at night
Like six o'clock at night
He's in the alarm
So when I was like
Like five thirty
Just fucking look Like Yeah Oh so you were day drinking yeah
yeah it was a day drinking and i thought it was just coffee too
he like really has done a lot of things like oh wait wait this was sunday this
was sunday this was sunday okay i was thinking this was
the first night no no no no no then he like like yesterday
so wait you were supposed to go to coffee to get the ring and you're
drinking well yeah yeah yeah but i didn't realize it was a i thought it was coffee date because he was like
oh we'll have like a wholesome like date so i thought coffee and then it was a wine bar and
he like instantly was like a bottle of wine and i was like oh he's like if you drink to this chick
and then he goes he goes you want to like go back to my place like
and oh, he said
before, when we were trying to
meet up for a date, he was like,
don't you wish we could just skip the part
to where we just cuddle?
And I was like,
I gotta get my ring back.
I thought this guy had promise.
And then now, no.
And then also, the other thing about that,
I'm really airing out his story a lot.
But the other thing about that um i'm really errant i was dirty um but the other thing about the alarm is like i the the everybody's joke for when a guy's alarm goes off is birth control like whatever and so he was like oh that's my birth control alarm he goes
yeah but you could tell i've had a lot of girlfriends i know a lot about girls like
for that joke or whatever and i was like that's tough just give me my ring back
hey good thing you didn't but he hasn't texted me back so like i think it's a mutual like
good job you know we're off we're on your radar i was right on that one yeah i know it's also i
can't believe i'm always so astounded that girls will suck somebody's dick before they have sex
with them yeah i'm like i know i know i get it number and
and and stigma but like i would rather you put on a condom or not and have sex with me before i
go to work on your dick with my mouth i'm chill is spit and get nothing out of this just so i can
say like but we didn't have sex like you slobbered on his dick, girl.
I don't get that at all.
Dude, if oral sex counted as sex, my number's, like, double.
I'm not talking about getting blowjobs.
I'm talking about eating pussy.
Do you know how many times there have been where it's, like,
it's 5 a.m. and I'm eating a pussy, and I'm like,
she doesn't know yet, but this dick's knocking hard.
Not in insanity. eating a pussy and I'm like, she doesn't know yet, but this dick's knocking. Do you remember when I
posed the idea that
your number should include oral sex?
Do you remember Kelly Keeg's reaction?
She was like, absolutely
not! No!
Like looking at all the men in the room,
this is not a thing!
A visceral reaction from all the girls. No, no, no, no, no no no no no no it's not the loophole you girls think it is i've only slept
with five guys i've sucked 39 dicks this weekend yeah you know it doesn't really fucking matter
get out of here yeah they're i mean there's always a part of it that like you're just like
why am i not just having sex right now this Now this is just so much work. At least you could maybe get something out of it.
Probably not, given the circumstances.
Random hookup at a bar.
You're crying about rape, whatever.
You're probably not going to get off in that scenario, but it's better.
It's not the most romantic setting.
Unless you're just mailing it in and giving some lame head.
But if you're going after it, it's like, this is a job.
It's a task.
It's a blow task.
Whatever, girls. Guys whatever girls either way i make it sound like i'm always dating losers like i swear you do do that yeah you do do that maybe you should come on here and just tell a
story about like a great date yeah it was a stand-up guy a great guy whenever that happens
nothing to report as of right now.
Do you have a few questions?
Yeah.
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I just wanted to say, what's up?
We share the same birthday.
Catherine, Jack, me, and Winston.
Slightly salty because
I have DM'd you almost
every year for the past, I think, three years
when I was like, oh, I could probably do this.
Never got a reply.
I'm one of your five black listeners
at KFC Radio.
Been reading your blogs for a long time.
Some of my Canadian fuckstick friends
actually introduced me to Barstool.
But yeah, happy birthday.
And also, just...
Happy birthday to you. just say goodbye happy birthday
to you
happy birthday
to you
happy birthday
to one of our five black listeners
happy birthday
to you
I thought you were singing it to me
that's why I wasn't partaking
I mean it's like if a white guy sent that voicemail, I'd be like, this sucks.
Black guy does it?
I was like, you're cool, bro.
The whole time I was like, you're so cool.
You got cool shades on.
We're doing paths like this fucking voicemail, dude.
It sucks.
Now Winston with the cool shades saying like we had the same birthday.
Fuck yeah, we do.
I feel like we've forgotten that it was my half birthday too.
So you're halfway to 29?
Shut the fuck up.
How old are you?
29.
You're starting 29, right?
No, I'm 25.
Asshole.
I actually thought you were 24, so you're older than that.
Oh, wow.
Thank you so much.
You're 25 now, right?
I'm 25 right now.
Yeah, I thought you were 24, too.
Paz, you're 24?
25.
He's older than me.
Let's get that clear.
Yeah.
Let's get that fucking clear. What age do you think you're are you you don't
worry about age not at all constantly worried about age really constantly 20 sexes it's on
your brain like all the time what what is it you worry about getting older and just like
like i don't know there's just so much like bullshit i can get away with being like
a young girl like and eventually there are like you know girls who are 30 and 40 listening right
now like screaming I feel like I spent so much like I feel like like this past
year I've like kind of gotten the hang of like like you know what I'm saying
like like like that's like I've been getting a lot of male attention like
this past year I feel like I'm starting to kind of get the hang of it.
I feel like I didn't have the hang of it before.
So why are you getting better?
You keep getting the hang of it.
What?
You just get more of the hang of it.
But I don't want to like get – like I wish I had the hang of it from the get-go.
Well, yeah, but that's life.
I actually – I completely disagree.
Really?
I don't think I had the hang of it for basically my whole 20s, and I'm happy about that.
Well, that's when you're supposed to – You like you're a guy like you didn't have anything for half your 20s
listen put it this way you didn't suck that guy's dick right next time maybe you don't even go up to
the apartment unless you want to you just keep learning more you know yeah i i don't know i
think you're in the sweet spot a little bit under your belt so you're not like completely idiot but you're still young and hot and dumb but but i feel like it's like i don't know it's like
you're you know you are you're you're the girl outside the jump rope right now going i got it
timed i can jump in whenever i want yeah i know it yeah and then you're gonna start fucking
double yeah and then you jump in so now you're in like that area where you're like i got it i know
it i actually feel like like this past year like i've i've i've been getting but i've been i've Double dungeon! And then you jump in. So now you're in that area where you're like, I got it. I know it.
I actually feel like this past year, I've been getting, but I've been so like, I'm just
watching the game right now.
I'm going to jump in.
This is a good thing.
Then I'm going to get the sweet spot.
You're old and saggy.
I'm going to start getting so sweaty.
Yeah, but you've already reached that threshold, and you just start getting plastic surgery.
Yeah, done.
Thank you so much.
That's such a good point.
It's a good reminder. Just when you you're 30 get your body redone 40 get your body redone just have like
milestones yeah okay cool yeah i mean if anything you know you got your new nose that you didn't
have that when you were younger my you got your new boobs you didn't have that when you were
younger you're getting your benjamin Buttoning the shit. Yeah.
You're going backwards and your brains get smarter.
Do you think my voice was cooler with the nose job before that?
For sure.
Before the nose job?
I have not noticed.
It's all I think about. It was real sexy before.
Damn, Jackie.
Used to sound cooler.
Yeah, kind of.
Like, I think that there's a difference.
I think you got a good voice now.
I don't know about the last one.
What do you think?
I don't remember the last one.
You have a very, you don't have like a, like, like there are a lot of girls one I don't remember the last one you have a very you don't have like a
like there are a lot of girls
I don't remember your last voice
like there's a
there's a lot of girls
who have annoying voices
vocal fry
like you don't have that
I don't like
you might say like a lot
but that's what everyone does
I actually
I actually want to stop
can we train that out of me
we'll try
but it's a big one
it's hard
I mean I say it all the time.
No, no, no.
And also, I stutter a lot.
And I need to stop doing that.
So I'm going to stop doing that starting right now.
I won't say like, and I won't stutter.
Okay.
And I almost want to get a shock collar.
Ooh, I like that idea.
I'll just buzz you every time.
Should we order that on Amazon right now?
Zap, zap, zap.
My English teacher used to make us wear elastics.
Really?
And he'd point at us. You did it. One spot in the country, they call them elastics. Yeah, that, zap. My English teacher used to make us wear elastics. Really? And he'd point at us.
You did it.
One spot in the country, they call them elastics.
Yeah, that's weird.
Get over yourself, Rhode Island.
It's also kind of like child abuse.
We were in high school.
Even weirder.
That doesn't make sense.
I don't, you know, he didn't have a gun to our heads, but I did it because I thought it was fun.
But he'd point to us.
No like.
I won't be saying that
people
he would throw books
at us too
you want me to do that
we could throw things
at you
okay
you can get me
to get like a dart gun
nerf gun
I'm gonna run out of things
pretty quick
didn't you
you used to throw stuff
at her for some reason
didn't you
she used to throw stuff
at me
right
she used to do
the elastic thing
when I had to
that's why I stopped
wearing it
yeah yeah yeah
I don't think I ever
threw things
I thought there was something where it was like,
every time you do something,
maybe it's the elastic,
something enough.
Yeah.
We'll beat that out of you.
I also,
I understand,
I want to say,
I feel like I do not convey my points very well.
You know what you do a lot?
Is you say you're not conveying your point well
when you're doing fine.
When I'm doing a fine job.
But now you're not,
because you're stopping to say. point well when you're doing fine. When I'm doing a fine job. But now you're not because you're stopping to say.
I always say the comments are mean.
The comments are mostly very, very, very nice.
I can only call them.
You will start a story.
Motherfuckers do not like it when I can't get a point across.
You'll be like two words in.
You'll be like, I'm not explaining this well.
It's like you're not explaining it at all because you haven't even started yet.
Just say it.
Yeah.
It's kind of like since I have to edit it,
it's like knowing that
the hardest critic in the world is watching so then i get nervous for like myself like watching
it later and then it's just like that is that is a a punishment that no one deserves it's hard
we're gonna get you off that no no i i don't i don't mean it like no but we are i mean that's
it is crazy harder jobs in the world but i just like i'm so mean to myself. I would always do that. I would... Exactly what you're talking about.
I would be talking
and I would know
what people would say,
were going to say
about what I'm saying.
And then I would try
and almost B-Rabbit
their arguments at the same time.
B-Rabbit.
Like B-Rabbit in 8 Mile.
We should have ran with that.
You know how rabbits are having conversations.
Do you know what that means at all?
No.
Have you seen 8 Mile?
No.
Do you know who B-Rabbit is?
No.
It's M&M in 8 Mile.
B-Rabbit.
It's actually a foreign country.
The capital of Austria is B-Rabbit.
It means when you like
get ahead of like when he's rapping he's like here's all the things you're gonna say about me
oh you don't know that rabbit yes that's like but it's become even if you haven't seen the movie
it's become a thing you say you you what he actually does though is he he kind of papadox it
you know no well i guess it's just yeah whatever but yeah it's like i know what you're
gonna say about me and if i say it first it takes the winds out of your sails okay so he's like i
am white trash you did fuck my girl all that shit so i would be like explaining something and i'd be
like i know rebuttals to that gonna be and then i would say five other things and it didn't really
make any fucking sense and i know i wasn't speaking confidently because I knew what other people would say. Just speak confidently.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, I didn't even think that.
I didn't even think that.
There's just so many fucking dumb people out there listening
that it's like,
who gives a fuck what they think?
You know?
Fuck them.
You're in front of the mic,
they're not.
Listen or don't.
Shut the fuck up.
I mean, you should try to not say like.
You should try to get your point out.
You should try to not interrupt.
You should try to not, all these things that, yes, but it's also like, shut the fuck up.
Yeah, I don't know.
This is how we do it.
No, but I but I what I can hear myself to is saying like a lot and I gotta stop that.
So it's just a good thing in general, whether it's podcast or not.
Yeah, to not, you know, like, like, like, like, like, next voicemail.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Kevin, John, Jackie paths for some long time.
I don't know why people say that. No, I don't. Who cares?
But this is my official application to be Kevin's virtual assistant.
I'm really passionate about this.
And I have a list of reasons why you need one and why you should hire me.
So one, I can save you money and your time.
So it's going to kind of even out the money like what's
going to be saving yeah not saving is it ending up paying me but it's going to save you time so
all those late fees all like we won't have all that's it though schedule that's it it's just
the tickets in order can get all the construction stuff kind of in order for the house i'm sure
there's a lot to pay for that um do you do you need groceries? I can make sure those are Instacarted. I can do daily, uh, text reminders for like personal
things like, Oh, does she girl Shay have, um, what she has. We can get that going baseball
for Keegan. I can remind you that, Oh, what color? Okay. I'm rambling. Um, so daily text reminders. Um, cool. So, um, I'm not a crazy person. So
there's that. I'm actually a CPA. I do international taxes for, I don't know, kind of big people. My
company's in LA, so it's all like entertainers and stuff, um, and tech companies. But so I'm
not a crazy person. Here's my master's degree. Here's my CPA license which I have blocked out my name because
I don't want to do this for the clout. I really don't want
your, I don't want
the KFC, the chicken heads in my DMs.
You just want the money.
Also for the plot.
I think this would be
really funny.
Yeah.
I can check on John's
homes in Noonan since I'm since I'm in Atlanta, that would
also be, yeah, you know, for the plot sort of things.
Um, so yeah, those are the reasons I actually sent Kevin a DM about this, um, with more
reasons, but at my LinkedIn profile to prove I'm not a crazy person, even though this is
crazy person behavior.
And I usually don't talk this fast.
I'm just trying to get it all in the voicemail.
So, yeah, hope to hear back from you guys.
And I will pass out if this actually gets on an episode.
We've said this before, but when do you hit assistant level?
I don't – again, it's not something that I can grasp because –
I think you have to run a business.
All those things you just listed, I'm like, yeah,'s on my calendar i yeah but you're not a calendar guy
yeah so i do i mean i listen don't get me wrong i could use it today today is actually kind of
the perfect example of why you need an assistant because you forgot about golf in the morning
and then we went to park the car and you haven't paid your bill. Yeah. Yep.
Yep.
Yeah.
When we pulled up,
and you're like,
I forgot to pay my bill.
I was like, no way.
Well, you know what it is?
That's why I asked you what day it is because you have until the 9th,
and usually I get it in.
But if the 9th happens on a weekend,
I'm fucked.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, I do late to the last second every time and you
know what i i i do i pay my credit card bill late all the time because mx texts you like halfway
through the month they're like just you know your bills are on the third closer to like text me on
the first then yeah yeah the fuck does that do anything for me well i guess some people like to
they need to do both what they need to do but i also don't i wouldn't be able to use an assistant because as she was explaining
like you need to go get like because that i it's all that information she would give you like daily
text reminders of you still have to give that to her yes see my thing is that that stuff you if you
can go to the source and get it all right that's great because now it's now i'm just you're just
adding you to my calendar right right right the first thing i have to do every month is tell you all
my shit it's like i also don't like people knowing my shit was that i also just like
yeah it's like we're saying earlier yeah it's like you know everything from finances to like
family stuff to like like when you have a real assistant like you you know you know where the
bodies are buried you know where you know you
have to like that person's like in it for life almost you have to really you can't just like
have a willy-nilly assistant because when it's like yeah it's just not good dude i i did that
i remember one time there's a bank of america over here i i walked in like one day i think i
just need a new card or something like that and i get to see a smirk in the guy's face
and i just walked out and i was like i know who i'm as i'm done banking here yeah you don't want that guy
i'm in the same boat right now because i need an accountant i need someone to do my taxes
and like i don't want a stoolie i don't want a friend i don't want a stranger because i've had
a stranger and that didn't work out well yeah so like i just genuinely don't know who i'm supposed
to go to now right i don't want strangers, friends, or stoolies.
I could give it a go.
Huh?
I could give it a go.
Do you give accounting a go?
No accounting.
I mean, I can.
Are you talking about
the assistant stuff?
No, I don't need an assistant.
But I do need an accountant.
And I...
Because also,
because then the...
I remember when I had...
She's a stoolie,
so you don't want her?
Yeah, I don't want anyone
who fucking knows me. I want a hooker. You know what I, when I, I remember when I had. She's a stoolie, so you don't want her? Yeah. I don't, I don't, I don't want anyone who, like, fucking knows me.
Like, I want, I want a hooker.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, like, I'm not paying you to, I'm paying you to leave.
Yeah.
But then, like, when you have an accountant and they're like, okay, can you send me all
the files?
I'm like, where the fuck?
I have them?
Right.
What do you mean I have them?
Well, that's why when you, I, that, my point is when you, if you get an assistant, you're
hiring her, like life or him.
I don't want to gender this.
But like to me, it would be like if I'm doing this, I'll give you like a real salary and you are like a part of my life now.
Yeah.
Because then otherwise it's like what are we even doing here?
And now you're just like kind of in my business.
I was like essentially an assistant like for talent management, whatever.
And he like a month in
when did this happen didn't you start working here right away i mean it was like an internship
okay but it but like one month in he gave me the password to his like sugar daddy site
to like everything he let me drive his bmw around la like i and i was like this do other people
trust people like this like it was crazy he He was trying to fuck. What do you mean you were a sugar daddy's assistant?
He was just a rich guy
who happened to be a sugar daddy.
Or at least beyond a sugar daddy site.
So you were a sugar baby.
No, I didn't get paid.
That's the part
that you were a sugar baby?
Were you doing the other part?
Guys.
I won't suck a dick if I don't want to suck a dick.
We know.
We've established that.
I have a line.
Yeah, he was great.
I'd go over and hang out.
Never sex.
He let me drive his BMW.
I saw accidental sugar baby.
I didn't realize I was in this world
it's like a
horrible boss
or whatever
we're the millers
you guys are getting paid
yeah
to sit around
all the other girls
I saw this girl
on Instagram
who
she had a picture
like
she was just like this
she was like
and it said like
it's so crazy
and she takes feed pics
and makes $500 a day she makes $45,000 a month and she's just taking foot pics and she was like and it said like it's so crazy and she takes feet pics and makes
five hundred dollars a day she made 45 grand a month and she's just taking foot pics and she's
like very open about it's like a joke on instagram she's like paint her toenails and like doing weird
she's like putting like ketchup on them and stuff but she's making 45 000 like a month and she's
like and and you know i think part of other pictures were like her driving in this car and
this bag and this bag and like.
I don't understand how foot people.
It's what Tommy was saying.
It's the opposite of like the other side of the foot thing. It's like you're not fucking some guy.
You're not sucking his dick, but you're getting paid like it because they're like their feet just as much.
Yeah.
But why is anybody getting.
Why is that such a booming market?
Because it's like, can't you just get a free foot book pick?
Like, I don't know.
Because you dumb bitches are still like, I don't want to do that.
I would be like, sign me up.
Those dogs?
Those are platinum.
Yeah, but like.
You could make so much money right now.
Thank you so much.
Like, put a call out right now.
There's definitely a rich stoolie out there, listener, who will pay you for feet.
Yes.
I told you guys I like tried it one time and he was like, take 10 photos.
And I was just like, I don't know what to do.
Well, you have to do. Yeah, you do have you do it ran out of angle see that's like that's
exactly what I mean too with like what I was saying we're like if someone tells me something
I won't do it like I'd be I could be all in on feet pics and then someone says send me feet
pics I'm like shut the fuck up yeah it's like the thing like I he will he's literally begging to
give me money I'm like stop talking to me yeah goddamn loser I think when you hit a certain amount of money, though, you're like, I'll do it.
The problem is you're doing your fin-doming for like $50.
If it was $5,000, you'd probably be doing it.
I don't know.
That was a little weird.
That was a little weird.
But to take the pics of the feet?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess.
Done.
By the way, take like 100 of them in a day.
You're done for the month.
I just don't understand.
Like, there's one, two, three, four, five.
Check out this girl's page.
But then it's still.
Oh, wait.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm mixing things up.
She was selling her gym socks.
She would take her socks off and she would write her name in a Sharpie and she'd mail them.
She was making 500 bucks a day.
She just mailed Mr. Socko.
Because that's even like then you're not even getting creative. It's like here's just my sock. Yeah. I was making 500 bucks a day. She just mailed Mr. Socko. Because that's even like, then you're not even getting creative.
It's like, here's just my sock.
Yeah.
I guess you got to work out.
Then I could see myself being like,
now I got to go to UPS.
Now I got to like.
I remember reading,
this is pretty recently.
Shit, I've been saying like.
I read an article about.
Snap.
A guy who had gamified his life.
And he was like,
I gamified my life and it ruined it.
You were thinking of Alex Bennett.
Yep.
And it was like,
I would have to do every half hour of television i have to do 10 push-ups or whatever
it was or some shit like that and he's like and then i realized like i was only doing things
to get the set to get the privilege or the permission to watch tv and then because i had
to do things to get that permission i wasn't't having fun doing it anymore. And I can see feet pics being like that,
the same thing, where it's like,
I'm just doing this.
I hear that.
But I also think when that girl goes from like,
I'm making minimum wage to I'm living my dream life.
Well, there's the difference.
If you're like, I am now traveling the world
and driving a luxury car
and I have all the bags I've ever wanted.
I mean, some of these girls are living,
you know, yeah, all right. Especially like like only fans so we're talking more than feet it's like weird family and sex there's a whole bunch of shit i get it but if you get past that you're
living a dream yeah that's that's a game changer you know yeah yeah if you have been if your
minimum wage obviously do what you gotta do but if you like if you can survive i bet well this
isn't fun yeah why am i doing it's the same thing with like you know what you do get an
assistant take care of this bitch uh one more let's get out of here what's up guys uh love is
blind episode the pod episode was great just had a bunch of questions about it like how did that
come to happen in the first place um
netflix was in there the whole time like you just had to do the pod with them
all watching you was that weird are they doing anything with that pod um yeah i don't know
did you expect to say sheeran had like 15 times or did that just kind of happen? What did I say? And can I see running those
pod?
Yeah, I don't know.
Fights, did you expect to say Sheeran Head
like 15 times?
That just kind of happened.
So, yeah, I don't know.
Curious about it all.
That was like an ad deal that
Netflix paid for, but I think
they knew that we were
we me i was a big fan um it was it was funny because they were all there and i mean it is a
operation dude like so they were like do you want to use our cameras do you want to use like this
angle we have this mic we have that and it was kind of like at first they we the idea was like
we were going to use like our cameras too and then once we realized that they had like a way better and more professional
setup it was like let's just go with you guys yeah but i mean we're doing headsets we're doing
like you know multiple producers showing us the way like do this do that um it was it was way more
like professional than we're used to i thought it it was going to be more awkward. Once we were in it, I was fine.
Did you?
Totally fine.
Yeah.
I thought I was going to hold back and like, you know.
No, I was just letting it rip.
It was funny coming out.
I did look enormously fat on that trip.
I don't know why.
Never wearing that shirt again.
I looked huge.
There was a picture.
No, you don't.
Oh, my God.
There was a picture you guys posted.
I actually, when you, actually, I probably still have it.
You sent me, like, the shared albums.
And I looked at it right away, and I was like, oh, my God, it looks so fucking fat there.
But I said to myself, there's no way they'll post that.
And then they posted it to me.
How would I find, I hate the new thing, by the way.
The new.
Yeah.
Terrible, right?
Yeah.
Like, awful, awful.
Albums, probably, right?
I don't know if I can find it.
I looked.
Oh, yeah.
Love is blind.
I looked so fat.
I'm upset I'm even bringing this up because now we have to put it out there.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Bro, I don't even want to show this.
I don't even want to show this.
I look so fucking bad.
I look enormous.
What is this?
Why am I so entranced?
Why is this so funny? You don't look like that. I look so fucking bad. I look enormous. What is this? Why am I so entranced by this knife?
This is so funny.
You don't look like that.
I looked enormous, dude.
The big house.
Yeah.
I was like,
big house, big house.
I'm never wearing
that shirt again, dude.
I love it.
Jackie goes,
you don't look like that.
I literally do.
That was me.
No, you don't.
Camera had sunbound.
Camera had it like 50 pounds.
Watch this clip of Fights.
You knew what you were doing.
You remember doing that?
I don't know.
You were doing that.
There's a 100% chance, not 100% chance, but there's a very good chance I knew what I was doing.
I don't remember doing it.
That's fucking great.
Just staring at it.
Like, just, this is the moment.
It was cool.
If you're a fan of it, it was, like, awesome to be in the whole, in the lounge, drinking out of the Golden Goblets, all the things that the Love is Blind people do.
I like when we came out and they were like
i i honestly don't remember what we said i don't know what we did i don't remember anything
then we came out and the producers were like did you know how you told that story in there
that's what we call like uh i don't know pod trance you just start saying deep stories and
i was like i don't know what i said in there but no it wasn't anything that i'm scared to say like they said um they call it like your hero there was that but there
was also something like your hero moment where you're like you just start like going and telling
the truth and i was like this is just a podcast maybe it might be there might be something on
your show where people really just start to like speak their truth but i was like this
we do this all yeah you just put microphone in front of me I'll do it
by the way
I don't need to be in a room
it's funny that
this DM was
this woman does
casting for
reality shows
oh
have you talked to her
at all
no
casting cast
she said
I said
how do I get my girl
on Love Island
what
I came across this woman
she said like
she has casting in her name.
And she was like,
I put people on reality shows
and listed all the networks,
all the shows.
So I said,
how do I get my girl on Love Island?
And she goes,
did she submit an application?
I'm like, well, yeah.
I mean, I guess that is the first question.
But I'm kind of like, yeah,
I know that's the first step.
Wait, that's so nice.
Thank you.
But she said,
I'll ask them to check her out.
Oh my God, thank.
Tell that, listen, you put out a check her out. Oh, my God. Thank you. Tell that.
Listen, you put out a vlog about that guy.
Send that tape in.
You're getting on the show.
I can't believe these people.
I mean, did we tell the story about Chief?
Did that make it to the air?
I don't know.
Chief applied to Be On Love Is Blind season one or two.
No, it was multiple seasons in.
And he made it to the second, third, fourth, whatever round.
And then they were talking back and forth.
And he said, by the way, I'll bring the Barstool audience.
Everyone will watch.
It's going to be a big deal.
And they wrote back, we're a global phenomenon.
We don't care.
But that is true.
But also, you're always in the in the
game of getting more audience and shit and like you'll just get more attention yeah like i feel
like i feel like like that would start the way for a male audience like yeah yeah right maybe
not so much but like if chief brought a whole bunch of dudes to love his wine that would be a
big deal yeah sure so i don't know why they they it's like i would just reserve there's a reason why traders and all those guys have people on there that are
known now because you bring their audience every time yeah so if love is blind had you know 22
regular people and the 23rd was like i have a little bit of a following like
fuck yeah yeah yeah it seems like a no-brainer but also i mean do it love island like jackie
will probably suck some guys dick i don't know no i won also i mean do it love island like jackie will probably suck some guy's dick i don't
know no i won't i will do everything except all right we'll see you guys next time uh jack pocket
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All right, let's do it.
We got Luke and Kristoff
from the Rough Week show.
You guys met on the road, right?
That's where this all started about?
I met him in Austin.
Yeah, yeah. Hanging out. What did you think of my boy here? That's where this all started about? We met in Austin Yeah, yeah
Hanging out
What did you think of my boy here?
He's a good dude
Yeah
Started doing stand-up
He's good at everything he does
It's fucking annoying
Weirdly jacked
Kind of sneaky jacked
It's not even
It's just that he's been saying
Like, oh, I'm fat
For like all these years
So we're just like
Oh, you're out of shape, you're fat
And then it's like
No, you're fucking jacked
He also You don't have jack guy face.
No, no, no.
He doesn't have jack guy face.
It is the face.
Jack guy body.
It is the face.
You know what I say?
He looks like, you ever see Cinderella Man?
Yeah.
He looks like a 1930s boxer.
No definition.
He'd have his wife Peter on and slacks pulled up to here.
But he'll put you in your fucking grave.
You look like you work at
like a brewery in pittsburgh but then down here you have like full staten island bro body it's
good dude this definitely the first time we ever had him on described like like just pinned me
right away like where he's like he's like you man hair, dude. Best friend face, but leading man hair.
I was like, yeah, that's about how it goes.
I caught a glimpse of him the other day.
He took off his, we were in the airport,
and he took off his hoodie, and his hair kind of got all fucked up,
and he looked exactly like Ed Sheeran.
Yeah.
And I was like. I have a buddy who looks just, dude, redheads are coming back.
Yeah, you guys are having your moment, bro.
No, I hate being compared to Ed Sheeran, dude.
I fucking hate it.
Why?
Because he's an ugly little troll.
He's a beautiful songsmith.
Yeah.
He's literally hot.
His music is ass, and he's really ugly.
So I don't like it.
We're not letting Ed Sheeran call.
Ed Sheeran's the man.
Dude, that's an insane take.
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
That's a psychotic take.
No, it's not. Ed Sheeran is good. Ed Sheeran is the fucking man. Dude, that's an insane take. No, it's not. No, it's not. That's a psychotic take. No, it's not.
Don't talk music with him.
Ed Sheeran is good.
Ed Sheeran is the fucking man.
Yeah, Ed Sheeran's super sick, dude.
Him and Sam Smith.
Those are my top two.
I love Sam Smith.
I'm not even talking about his music.
I'm just talking about, I think he's the fucking cool dude.
Have you met him?
Do you know him personally?
I have personally not met him, but people here have had nights out with him where it's
like, yeah, this guy gets drunk.
I know he likes to drink
To suck his face scares me that music is bad. I'll give you everything
You're one of these hipster music guys
Someone that I've never fucking heard of in my life. Brother, you have no idea.
We get into the same argument every other day,
which is just
that I like something
or I don't like something
and it drives him insane.
It does drive me crazy.
So what do you listen to?
I don't know.
I listen to all kinds of stuff.
I don't know.
It's a tough question.
I like old country music.
I think we bond over that.
Yeah, we cross over
like John Prine, Jim Carrey. John Prine is like the circle where it crosses dude i was listening to i was driving
home yesterday and i was listening to i remember everything and i remember the story jason isbell
has which is like i think it's like the coolest story in the world jason isbell's daughter is
john prine is her godfather or was he's dead right yeah um and she was his daughter was learning the guitar and she was
learning i remember everything but she didn't know it was her godfather who wrote that song
who sang that song or anything like that so he turned the corner playing the guitar and singing
it with her and i was like that's the most beautiful thing i've ever had in my life
do you like do you like rc drive i don't know what that is yeah those guys suck
there's a band that's about they're just like popping off right now and you grew up with them Do you like RC Drive? I don't know what that is. Yeah, those guys suck.
There's a band that's just popping off right now,
and you grew up with them.
Oh, nice.
I was playing some Isbell on a long car ride with my girlfriend,
and I was like, Elephant was coming on.
It's like the saddest song ever. The saddest song in the fucking world.
I'm like, Elephant on the road.
I'm singing it, and my girlfriend's like,
can you put on something different?
I'm dating a Puerto Rican lady.
She's not Puerto Rican.
I'll just say she's Puerto Rican.
She's Mexican and Filipino. Two plus two equals lady. She's not Puerto Rican. I just say she's Puerto Rican. She's Mexican and Filipino.
Two plus two equals four.
That's Puerto Rican.
Blue and green makes yellow.
She's visually
Puerto Rican and loves Bad Bunny.
Birthday tickets.
We lived in Orlando at the time.
For her birthday, I got us two tickets
to see Bad Bunny. I also got
us round trip flights to Tulum
a couple months before. We went on a
vacation. The Bad Bunny tickets were more
expensive than a vacation to Mexico.
That guy's no fucking joke. Dude, this guy,
he came out two hours
late. Nobody in the crowd was
upset about it.
They were all also two hours late.
They just met at the right time and he no opener dane cook style no opener and for the first like three
minutes he just stands there and just takes in the girl puerto rican girl screams he just lets
them hit his body that guy his dick must be Falling off of his body Oh god
Like
You cannot possibly
Fuck as much as that guy does
No
A Puerto Rican
Like a reggaeton artist
He's like
He's the biggest guy in the world
Yeah
People don't realize
Last year's streams
It was like
He was top five
Yeah
Who is this?
Bad Bunny
Oh yes
He's massive
I can't tell you one bad bunny song
no i thought i could and and i even thought i knew what he looked like i was i was like i don't like
him but i know him and i oh this song that song and then i heard them and i saw him and i was like
totally thinking of a different guy um yeah i like that he had a quote recently where he's talking
about because all his songs are in spanish and he's like, yeah, I just don't care.
I speak English.
I just don't care.
Dude, I fucking respect the shit out of you.
If I ever made it big and someone was like, you need to do Spanish songs,
I'd be like, no, I don't.
Fuck that. I mean, I know it's obviously a little more international, but it's like, no.
No.
I'm just bringing sand to the beach if I make songs in English.
I'm already as big as fucking humanly possible.
What's next?
Yeah, dude, it was insane.
I didn't know.
I wasn't aware of the Bad Bunny fanfare until we went there.
It was all like 16-year-old Puerto Rican girls and then me.
You were so happy.
You were so stoked.
Dude, chill.
You're like, is this heaven?
I'm like
Why is this the best night
Of my life
I went to an Ariana Grande
Concert once
I was in the dog house
With my girl at the time
And I needed to make it up to her
And I went
And that was
Uncomfortable
Yeah
I was like
We are out of place
You're like a chaperone
Yeah
I mean it was just
Like a bunch of
Like girls wearing
Like cat ears
And we listened to
A couple songs And I was like Can we go She was like and she was a fan but she was like yeah let's get
the fuck out of here it was the only time I've been somewhere you could just walk up and get
booze there was no lines at like the adult store oh shit kids I was like another cocktail please
let's keep it moving the cotton candy cart was packed yeah yeah bad bunny though is like the
bad bunny kind of like Thanos like when everyone's arguing about like
who's the biggest act
and the most streams
and the most this
it's like
but then there's also
Bad Bunny who will
trounce everybody
you know what I mean
we're talking about
American acts
and who could do
the Super Bowl
and who's the biggest
rapper and Taylor Swift
this and that
and then it's like
but there's this guy
looming over here
and globally
that will dominate
the rest of you
Kendrick's getting big now
which I didn't see coming
not as big as he is
he's like the biggest guy right now which I thought't see coming not as big as he is well he's
like the biggest guy right now yeah which i thought he was going to be like an underground
lyrical miracle it's very strange that he is yeah he still he gets i don't know how he did it
he probably probably by just pitting himself against drake yeah definitely yeah like that's
the main thing but it's like you he is that like backpack rap underground like that's what drake
was saying about him like that's the head of style and then does the super bowl and does the
grammys and does all the corporate shit but everyone's like yeah he's like underground rap
it's like no he's fucking yeah he kind of gets to get both yeah it's amazing he did a great job pr
wise of keeping that balance because usually by now it'd be like oh you're like a pop act now
and instead it's like nah you're the man well it's also sick it's i don't know if it's sick it's insane to see a guy get taylor swift big off of calling someone a
pedophile you would think that doesn't have as broad a reach as it seems to have dude call people
pedophiles is like a cottage industry they trapped them they beat them up at walmart
there's a whole talk and pedophile talk just became so mainstream dude i said it like five
years ago i was like we are throwing pedophile around way too much.
Well, that's kind of Drake's argument in this whole thing.
It's like, this is a bit much.
I think Elon was the one where I was like, all right, everyone fucking show up.
The guy who criticized me called him a pedophile.
Yeah, the kids were caught in a cave in Thailand, I think.
And he was pumped to take them out.
That is pretty funny.
Elon was like, we'll just give a submarine.
Let's get a submarine in there.
And some guy was like, well, it's a fucking underground cave,
so you can't put a submarine in it.
And he's like, well, you're a pedophile.
And by some guy, it was an expert in that field
who then ended up getting the kids out himself.
And he was like, well, he's a pedophile.
And people were like, whoa, Elon says this guy's a pedophile.
I was like, you can't just say that.
That's a pretty big thing.
A little too eager to save those children.
That's so funny.
Yeah, why do you want to go to that cave?
There's a bunch of eight-year-olds on the other side.
Is that what's going on?
There's a bunch of Thai boys in a cave.
Honestly, I can't.
I mean, it was such a bad year for Drake, obviously.
He got so demolished and got clowned and all that shit.
But there is something that's got to feel like you go against me,
you mention my name, and I made you a fucking king.
Oh, for sure.
It's hard to swallow when the whole internet is making fun of you,
but you end up number one at the end of the year,
and everything is basically because of you, and it's just like, I'm still happy.
It's like when Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift.
He's like, I made that bitch famous.
Yeah, right.
It kind of is what happened
Yeah
A little bit
And like
Yeah
You know
That's the spin zone
But it's a good one
That like
When they run into each other
Eventually
He could be like
You're welcome
I'll send you the invoice
Drake was definitely
Losing his mind
In the midst of the battle
You could tell by the lyrics
I mean the
I knew that Epstein shit
Was coming
I knew you wasstein shit was coming? I
Knew you was gonna call me Weinstein
There is like like I just said like you can't go around calling everyone a pedophile but like as long as you're not
Yeah, you're like, okay
Right now you like fucking a cheer you're a pedophile
I'm not but like he's gonna be kind of funny to i saw a viral video of some guy being like it was like an old white guy like i remember the video right now
talking about kendrick being like you know just tapped in for the first time and he was like i
i'm a little confused because like is this true because then shouldn't we be doing something
about it right like shouldn't he be arrested or investigated or something it's like it's
just a rap battle man yeah you just say what
was just stop texting millie bobby brown that's all that's really it don't talk to 11 anymore
and you're probably in the clear man did they ever leak those texts or was it just like yeah
drake texts me on the red carpet that's all i think that's all i know i really want to know
what they're texting surprise that hasn't come out yet by now. He's just watching the show. He's like, oh my God. Millie, you're so good.
Millie, oh my God.
Selfie of him watching Stranger Things.
Oh my God, Millie.
The saddest text ever sent.
He's like, I should sing.
I should sing on Stranger Things season four.
We were talking about the Steve Smith situation.
That was so funny. I have a thought it's it's pretty crazy but i i said i think i would rather actually get cheated on than have
the text message rearrange my iud out there in public she said she said you were so deep you
rearranged my iud and it's like that's worse i think than actually getting cheated on
is everybody knowing that fucking text your wife was sending to steve smith it's a double whammy
she cheated on you and then publicly told everyone he's got a huge nightmare
and you threw an lol at the end right so rearrange my iud lol oh dude it's as a bills fan it's nice
to see the ravens go through some turmoil It's been nice
After that whole MVP battle
We got Justin Tucker
We got Steve Smith
So people are fucking people's wives
And getting funky at the massage parlors
I just want chaos
I cannot imagine being Justin Tucker
They make places for that
That you can go do that
You know what I mean
He was just going to high end massage places Being like jerk me off Just go to the fucking ones can go do that yeah you know I mean like he was just going to like high-end massage places being like jerk me off you're like no I just
go to the fucking ones where they do that yeah they're in Baltimore you can
find those like no problem it the the pets guy Robert grass but he was just at
normal places and got caught at one of those normal yeah I'm like an Asian woman who's here to jerk you off.
That's what we fucking do.
Kraft got so fucking raked over the coals for that one.
Yeah, he did.
People are like, he's involved in sex trafficking.
He's like, whoa, I wear Nikes.
I don't fucking know how I got made.
We all use iPhones, okay, man?
That was the same thing about the pedophile talk.
It's like, we jumped to sex trafficking
because the guy got jerked off by an Asian woman
real fucking quick.
Who was probably trafficked?
I mean, she was certainly trafficked.
You want to do this Kevin Bacon seven degrees of sex trafficking?
I mean, as a billionaire, that's about as mild as it gets.
He is behaving himself a lot more than
the others fellas he paid to have an adult jerk him off yeah like this guy's called america yeah
in the scope of billionaires this guy's the same yeah the problem is the system not his little act
yeah just let's legalize rubbing tugs yeah for sure it does feel like that's a
like that we have legalized them yeah well it's
like blind eye shit but that's how you get fucking you know that's how you get the thai boys or
whatever my lawyer was telling me about a guy who lost like he was like a billionaire and he lost
like half his fortune because of a rub and tug i was like man you right you married the wrong girl
if you're a billionaire and you give her a billionaire life and you can't even get a
rub and tug that was the wrong fucking because again oh're a billionaire and you give her a billionaire life and you can't even get her rubbing, that was the wrong fucking joke.
Because again,
that's the bare minimum.
Yeah.
It could be way worse.
Yeah,
were you guys
rub maps guys?
I just want to
feel out the room here.
Take a picture.
Hey,
tell me about the reaction.
We know what it is.
Have I been to the site?
Sure.
Love the reviews.
The reviews are the best. The best Yelp-esque system is the rub maps I feel like you gotta Sure. Love the reviews. The reviews are the best.
The best Yelp-esque system is the Rubbed Mask Reviews system.
I feel like you've got to pay to see the reviews.
They show you a couple.
I mean, no.
It's a trial.
I mean, some of them are free to buy.
Take the trial.
You get that fucking app that tells you
what subscriptions you still have.
Like, fuck, I paid $300
to rub maps last year?
Rocket money's like rub maps,
browsers.
I've had a full-blown fight before with
not full-blown, but calling
Bank of America because my card got declined
and being like,
there's fraud.
What do you call it?
Charges?
Fraud activity?
Yeah, fraud activity.
Where he's like, your last three purchases are blank, blank, blank.
And I was like, I don't even know what the hell that stuff is.
Just, I don't know, give me a new card.
I was trying to buy glasses, I think.
I was like, I need the fucking glasses.
So just can you get me access to it
and he's like well
I can get you access
if these were your
charges
and I was like I
don't know what they
are
and the guy kind of
like almost like
bro to bro
he's like
it's kind of how
they mask OnlyFans
sometimes
and I was like
oh word
that's me
that's me.
That's fucked up to flag OnlyFans.
If you know it's OnlyFans, don't flag OnlyFans. Come on.
They should look at your date of birth and gender and go,
okay, yeah, he meant to.
Like, what are we doing?
It's like, oh, a man in his late 20s bought porn?
Yeah, we got to call this guy.
I'm supporting fucking sex work, goddammit.
That's right.
It's right now.
You're progressive.
Dude, the Rub Map reviews, though.
We're back to Rub Maps.
Let's circle back to Rub Maps.
Look, if you haven't seen the reviews, because there's two types of reviews.
There's the guys who are like, they'll be like, Chastity is an angel.
And she talked to me.
The massage was great.
And the ending was even better and like she's got
a great personality blah blah it's just like another one under it's like coarse hands
the first one just sounds like those like lower things to do in the lower east
like mean was excellent with her hands She used plenty of top five things
Top five ladies that get jerked off
Happy time massage and flushing
It's always that too
It's like
You find a place that has a sign
That's like one hour massage for like $15
It's like okay I know what's going on here
They're going to put a finger in my ass
$15 there's no way No. They're going to put a finger in my ass. Fifteen bucks? There's no way.
No, but they're always way cheaper.
Because they expect a $250 tip
because they're going to get cum all over them.
Yeah, my friend said he went to one
and then they made him leave his wallet
in the other room.
They were robbing that guy.
Yeah, he just left.
He was like, yeah, get naked
and leave all your stuff in here.
I'm going to go. We'll see you later. He was like, yeah. They're like, yeah, get naked and leave all your stuff in here. I'm like, I'm going to go.
I'll see you later.
Just the easiest theft ever.
I'm in the middle of the worst.
I hate checking my phone.
My cleaning person is outside my apartment.
Cleaning children.
And can't get in.
And he's like, what do you want me to do?
I'm like, I don't fucking.
What does he usually do?
I don't know.
Keys in a lockbox.
He's like, the keys aren't working.
I'm like, there's the same block and the same keys.
So I don't know.
You've done it a hundred times.
Yeah.
And he's like, okay, I'll just wait for you to call me.
I'm like, I'm in a meeting.
I said I'm in a meeting because I wanted to think about a real job.
Yeah.
And I was like, I'm in a meeting.
I can't help you right now.
He's like, okay, I'll wait for you to call.
So now he's going to sit here for an hour until I go call this guy?
Tell his little children to pick the lock.
Well, you have a cleaning man?
Yeah. I'm not joking. have a cleaning man? Yeah.
I'm not joking.
He has cleaning children.
Yeah.
He has a whole little family.
Well, he's come with children before.
There have been children there before.
I don't know if it's a regular practice.
Human trafficking.
Have you had the children clean
or were they just hanging out?
They were dirty.
I'm always intentionally not there
when he comes,
which is why I have to lockbox him.
This is the other thing.
They show up at, they come at like nighttime.
They'll come at like 6 p.m., 7 p.m.
He'll just be like, do you need a day?
I'm in the city Monday.
You need help cleaning.
I'm like, yeah, that's great.
And I always think he'll probably come during work hours.
And he never does, except now when now it's a hassle that he is coming during work hours.
But no, I never saw the children clean.
I saw, I like, I got home.
I knew he was there so i
just sat on a stoop across the street from my apartment and i was like i'll just wait till
they come out and then i'll go back in he's called me before like 10 o'clock at night he's like just
what i'm like what are you walking around i'm waiting for my cleaning people to be done you
know it's so funny because usually people have cleaners because they're so busy that they don't have the time to clean. But you just sat across the room.
While they cleaned is so funny.
You could have cleaned in the same amount of time.
You stared at your window.
You stared at a Jamaican guy through your window
while he cleaned your countertop.
Honestly, basically what happened.
You can see into my apartment.
I don't have blinds or anything.
They came down. I was like all right they're leaving they're leaving and then out of the door
came two kids walking upstairs I was like were they just cleaning my way we're literal children
just cleaning my apartment like that's kind of a bridge too far I'm not gonna do anything about it
obviously but I just don't do they do they do a good job that's all I don't know really
having immigrant children
like watching the immigrant children
clean your apartment
that is like
if you make it here
you go home and tell your dad
I made it man
yeah
he could not understand anything
about podcasting or comedy
but you're like
there are children cleaning my apartment
and he's like
oh my what are you hosting SNL
this is fucking huge
are they Jamaican no probably Puerto Rican And he's like, oh my, what are you hosting SNL? This is fucking huge.
Are they Jamaican?
No.
Probably Puerto Rican.
Yeah.
If I had to guess.
Defer to Luke.
Speaking of that, when you were saying that earlier, I almost, did you find out she was, she's Mexican and Filipino?
Did you know her ethnicity quickly?
Like upon meeting her?
Yeah.
I immediately assumed
Puerto Rican no dude I had the exact opposite where I thought I was dating a Latina chick
for like six months and what was she Lithuanian what oh I'd be I'd be like I got ripped off
furious I thought I was dating you wereina. You thought you were all fucking spicy? I was like, whoa.
John thought he had a DEI girlfriend.
I was like, look at me.
I can never get called racist again.
Dude, that's like the Curb episode where Larry's lawyer pretends to be Jewish.
Dude, it's like that.
It's also like the Seinfeld episode when Elaine thinks she's dating a black guy,
and she's dating a white guy.
He thinks he's dating a Spanish chick.
That's a great fucking episode.
The girl I saw had hair like Elaine, and I kind of like and I met her in the summer so she was really tan
Did you have an accent?
No, no.
Okay, she was American.
She was 100% American.
Oh, she is.
Yeah, she's American.
I can see what you're talking about.
I was just picturing her with a Lithuanian accent,
and you're like, I'm talking the tropics.
She's like, hello, this is great.
Are you Colombian?
I love you so much.
You're very sexy.
Oh, my goodness.
Damn, dude.
You've got to go to Santa Domingo.
Wait, you're what?
Devastating.
Yeah, that is devastating.
That would really upset me.
Well, we're broken up now.
As soon as you found out.
You're what?
I agreed to date a Latino.
You're like, look, Olga, you lied to me.
It's the last straw, Helga.
Thank fucking God.
So your girl's Mexican and Filipino, is that it?
Mexican, Filipino.
Her dad's white.
But if you saw her, she is a Puerto Rican.
So I'm getting half ripped off.
She's from San Francisco.
It's a big mission.
Oh, wow, This is crazy.
Is she quarter, quarter, half white?
I think so.
I think you're dating a white girl, bro.
No, you should see her.
She does not look remotely white.
No.
No.
I guess that's really all that matters.
Yeah, that's really all that matters.
No one's like, oh, I'm dating a Latina for the fucking history lesson they get.
No.
As long as it looks that way.
That's the goal.
All that matters is that people see you walking down the street
and think you're an interracial relationship.
Hell yeah.
They might think he's borderine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you?
I'm Italian.
Italian.
Oh, I saw a great, I think it was the Subway Takes guy.
You know him?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One of the people on the show said,
Italians became white after 9-11. That's Bassam. That's our buddy Bass him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the people on the show said, Italians became white after 9-11.
That's Bassam.
That's our buddy Bassam.
Oh, yeah, okay.
That's a great take.
Dude, so I DM'd him after he did that,
and I was like, dude, this is so funny, blah, blah, blah.
And he's like, thanks, dude.
And then two hours later,
it's blowing up in my Italian family group chat.
Oh, really?
But it's like, this is fucking brilliant.
Because he was...
I mean, it was funny on the surface, but then he started to break it down.
Like, if you go back to those old movies, it always is like an Italian guy with like
slicked back hair who's like the villain.
And like, it's like, these Italians are bad guys.
And then it's like, nah, you're on the good side now.
Stavi has a joke like that where he talked about going to Greece.
And he's like, I thought Greece were white people until I got to Greece.
And I was like, all right, never mind.
Dude, when I went to Italy, I was like,
everybody that I grew up with is a pig to these people.
Oh, yeah.
Italian Americans are not Italian.
Disgusting.
They don't want to see Little Moe Mozzarella in the house.
Like, they don't want any of us over there.
They're all skinny and hot.
Jersey Shore shit.
No, no, no.
We're not looking for that.
That's European. You might be Italian, but you're still skinny and hot. Jersey Shore shit. No, no, no. We're not looking for that. Yeah, that's European.
You might be Italian, but you're still European.
Yeah.
Whereas this, we are Americans.
Yeah, dude.
We're all just fucking gross.
They were like roasting me. The one guy gave me like, he was like a little family owned spot.
And the guy behind the counter was the one also making the pasta.
And he made me a great plate of pasta.
And I was eating it.
And he's like, better than the Olive Garden in Wisconsin?
Take it easy now.
It is funny being over there
because I'll say that here
and then you get over there
and you're like
whoa, whoa, whoa
hang on a second
those are my people.
I fucking talk like that.
I make fun of Olive Garden
in Wisconsin.
You leave that alone.
You know O'Connor's take?
No.
The best take on this.
What is it?
Chris's take is that real Italians and real Irish people leave that alone. You know O'Connor's take? No. The best take on this. What is it? Chris's take is that real Italians and real Irish people leave.
Yeah.
And that real ones leave and that there's more Italian people in New York City than
there are in Italy.
Like there's more Italian people in America than there are in Italy.
There's more Irish people here than there are in Ireland.
So the people not living there are the real ones.
Yeah.
The real ones leave.
You're just guarding Disney World for when we come back.
So you can visit it.
I can just see you saying that and Tommy going,
what the fuck are you talking about?
We were talking about it too.
I was like, my uncle or my grandpa was stealing arcade machines
and selling them to fucking fund your afternoon walks, your siestas. Yeah. You know what I mean? My grandpa was in arcade machines and selling them to fucking fund your afternoon walks.
Your siestas.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
My grandpa was in the mud over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was living in fucking trenches.
He was living in-
Sending money back over.
Yeah.
He was stealing arcade machines and sending money back to Italy.
Well, he sent, they all, the immigrants send money back to their families.
Yeah.
And then my grandpa, I'm pretty sure, was stealing old school arcade machines because
my grandma's tiny little house, the basement, was filled with giant old arcade machines.
Well, that'll do it, yeah.
And he wasn't like – he didn't have a job.
He wasn't in the business.
He would just do things and then recruit my drunk uncle to help him.
Sounds like he doesn't have a job.
It's to steal arcade machines.
Yeah.
He just came off someone's truck for sure.
Yeah.
We had old school like asteroids, like first generation.
We had Mr. Dew.
We had Mrs. Pac-Man.
But you had these. You're not selling them?
I think these were the ones he couldn't move.
You got the shitty ones?
Yeah. You got the dumb games no one liked?
No one's wanting Mrs. Pac-Man.
Pac-Mans are flying off the shelves.
Yeah, Mrs. Pac-Man back then.
So how'd you guys link up? The pandemic, I went down to Florida. Pac-Man's are flying off the shelves. Yeah, this is Pac-Man back then.
So how'd you guys link up?
I was, the pandemic, I went down to Florida,
and I met him down in Florida, and it was funny.
Is that where you're from?
Yeah, yeah, I'm from Tampa originally.
But we both lived in Orlando, what, 2020-ish?
I was living here for years, and it was fun, and then I really hated the lockdown,
so I just was like, fuck it.
I was going to say, you went for freedom.
Yeah, he went for freedom.ida was great and then he moved back
up here yeah and then we started doing the pod and then yep austin now we're in austin yeah yeah
six months ago we moved to austin how's that it's great i mean comedy wise it's awesome yeah yeah
friends are there and i mean it's a dumb but it is dumb it's funny it does it doesn't like like I don't think
people know that image of it well I think of people think of it as like this
comedy thing and this hipster thing and you go there and kind of like this is
like there's no weird is like it's not happening ever again we were saying that
when we were down there last time. Like the key boss in weird,
the people who invented that phrase
could know that it just means like autistic Bitcoiners.
Yes.
It is weird, but it's not a good comment.
I didn't mean a bunch of guys
who follow Vivek Ramaswamy on Twitter.
Vivek!
It's weird in a totally different way Yeah it's completely
Yeah it's like
Tech
Tech
Scary
Weird
Yeah
Creepy tech guys
It's Oracle weird
There's a lot of creepy tech guys here though
Yeah
Yeah
It's denser
Are they more
Like here you kinda
Everyone's kinda cornered off in their sections
Is Austin still like
Everyone's with everyone
Yeah Kinda Yeah it's not big enough For people to be cornered off in their sections. Is Austin still like everyone's with everyone? Yeah.
Kind of.
Yeah, it's not big enough for people to be cornered off in their sections.
The comedy there, I remember I heard one criticism from someone who's down there
that like downtown Austin isn't fun to do comedy.
Maybe not isn't fun.
I believe the exact quote was like,
they just say a slur and the fucking roof
blows off the place i mean i think that that's an exaggeration yeah definitely don't get me wrong
there's a fair amount of slurs there's slurs flying left and right he's like just say retard
in the place yeah yeah i think that's uh but it's also like kind of known in the scene that that's
a bit of a cheat code it's kind of like all the scene that that's a bit of a cheat code. It's like a hack. All the comics are like, that's kind of hack.
Like you can't just say gay.
You know what I mean?
It's like it might work, but no one in the scene is like, yeah, this guy is awesome and cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's like a chick here being like, um, it's called consent.
And the crowd goes fucking nuts.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's like a –
Fucking hate rape.
Yeah.
Women are actually beautiful. Yeah. And you're like, oh, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a- Fucking hate rave. Yeah. Women are actually beautiful.
Yeah. And you're like, oh, thanks.
Yes.
No, I thought they were pigs.
I like doing stand-up more down there.
It's been fun here, but it's nice down there because it's more dudes in the audience.
Dude, this city's become a- Manhattan's a chick fest, bro.
Wow.
It's a fucking chick fest.
At shows, at least.
I mean, yeah, I've done shows here where there's like 60 people in there.
There might have been seven dudes.
Really?
Wow.
It's lady dominant.
Ladies do stuff.
Maybe you guys are just a bunch of big pussies.
You should just come out with your own pussy room.
Please show me the cool bro rooms in Manhattan.
I really want to know where they are.
Because if you're in lower Manhattan and chicks are going out like that's who you know what i mean that's what they do i mean it's also just been
such a comedy like boom and yeah golden era that it's like let's go to the comic club you know
what i mean it's become just whether you like it or know it you do it and there's hot people doing
it now we talked about it yeah there's some babes doing it dude I was at the bar the other night there were some comedians there
and I use that term very liberally
and there was a girl
and she's a comic I was looking at her
I was like this is a hot girl at the bar
she's not because it used to be like when I came up
the comedian girls were like Jordan Jensen
and Maddie Smith
they're kind of like stringy haired and half autistic
and like two of the funniest
by the way they're hilarious
they're my friends they're hilarious but they're not like babes and you but like after the ninth
open mic you're like looking at jordan's side you know you get like that every comedian chick
there was like there's something about her that's kind of cute now it's like this is a hot girl in las vegas at a nightclub like this girl is hot
any any good or no no you can't attract it because i i think like if you could tell like one if you
look like that you could tell one decent joke you're good probably not even she's probably
doing successful anyway without it but you can just be mildly funny like one time you're fucking
golden yeah i i think it's it's
it's like anything else
when it gets popular
it's like
instead of like
you know
the core people
it just
grows outward
you know
and the algorithm
I think
by the way
I don't like hot dude comics either
yeah
alright chill dude
chill
you invite
Luke and I
onto your podcast
a couple studs
right to your face like this
a couple studs we A couple studs.
We're trying to make sex into comedy.
That's what we're the sex guys.
Kristoff is a sexy guy.
I'm a sexy motherfucker, dude.
Kristoff gets real light skin on stage.
You got that hair, bro.
I'm sure they like to run their hands through that.
Dude, I mean, a friend of mine, he hadn't seen me do comedy,
and I was in Florida doing comedy, and after the show he goes,
yeah, I like your style. It's like you're not trying to get pussy up there. seen me do comedy and uh i was in florida doing comedy and and after the show he goes yeah i like
uh i like the i like your style it's like you're not trying to get pussy up there
he's like women will not like this
but i'm your friend and i like it and i'm like what do you mean by that you're like it's kind
of off-putting kind of intense i was like shut the fuck up i don't know what yeah i couldn't appeal to women if i putting
intense is unbelievable i couldn't appeal to women if i i don't know how to i'm physically
you know what i mean it's like it's like an autistic person in sarcasm it just doesn't go
i have no clue what they like i mean mean, I have a decent amount of Instagram followers,
and I look, it's 95 men.
It's like 95 dudes.
And they're like 25 to 35 dudes.
The boys.
It's the only people who follow me online.
I remember before Shane really blew up,
he came to one of our live podcasts,
and it's usually a bunch
it's usually a lot of couples
so it's like 50-50 guy girl
and he was like
what is this?
Like I don't think
there's any females
at my show.
Now he's playing
to the entire world
so it doesn't matter.
But yeah
I think that's
a good brand for comedy though.
I feel like that's
the funny thing.
It's usually like
podcast world
like it's totally cool with me.
Yeah.
We can't help
I mean
I really can't
I cannot
it's not like
yes
I'm going to appeal to men
I'm going to sit down
and figure this out
yeah
there wasn't a strategy
that guy was giving man
I'm just going to
I'm going to get a business consultant
and ask him how I can
appeal to men more
he's like no
women are ballsulsed.
Tell him the thing you said about the hottest you can be.
Oh, is Andrew Santino.
If I worked really hard, if I lost 40 pounds and got in shape
and took better care of my face and shit,
then I would be Andrew Santino level high,
which is he's a good-looking guy, but there's a ceiling.
There's a hard ceiling
for gingers out there. Yeah, we were like
lamenting a lack of success.
Just having like a, what's fucking going on?
What are we doing?
Great session. Yeah, and he was like,
I mean, dude, you're kind of cute.
The best I could look like
is fucking Andrew Santino.
You're kind of cute.
You know he's getting bleak when you're talking about the homies.
This is like an eternal battle Luke and I have.
He takes great care of himself.
Yeah.
Like, he eats well.
He hasn't been drinking.
He, like, puts on fucking skin care, whatever the hell.
He gets a haircut.
Yay!
Yay, yay, yay!
Hey, what the fuck? Dude, he gives me shit for not putting on sunscreen. He's a haircut Hey Hey Hey Hey What the fuck
Dude he puts
He gives me shit
For not putting on sunscreen
He's a redhead
We live in Texas
He doesn't wear sunscreen
You need sunscreen bro
No thank you
You don't wear sunscreen
Never
Not never
If I'm going on a boat
If I'm going to the beach
Which is rare
But if I do
You know I'm putting on
I'm putting on sunscreen
But this guy
He's walking to the store
He's walking to a bodega
He's like I gotta put on my creeps this guy, he's walking to the store. He's walking to a bodega. He's like, I got to put on my creeps.
He goes, I can't be outside if I don't put on my creeps.
That actually is gay.
It's been super gay.
It's so gay, dude.
It's super gay.
He's like, I don't want bags under my fucking eyes.
Okay, okay, rebuttal.
Can we tell him the reason he doesn't,
he's got the most autistic reason
that he doesn't wear sunscreen
He goes
I don't like the way the goop feels on my face
Using the creeps
When I used to get like real bad sunburn as a kid
For some fucking reason
I don't know why
But then that aloe would come out
And I'd be like
It's cold
I was so bad about it
I hated it
I hate the creams
Dude
The fact that you grew up in Florida You grew up up in Florida and you look like this and never wore sunscreen.
It's a miracle you don't have cancer.
You look like the person who's ever been to Florida, let alone grew up there.
I appreciate that.
That's a compliment.
You look like you were born and raised in Nova Scotia.
Yeah.
I was going to say Minnesota.
You're a Vikings fan.
Yeah, I wish, dude.
No, I love Florida, dude. I don't actually disparage Florida. It's the best. go yeah i was gonna say minnesota you're a vikings fan yeah i wish dude but i i uh no i love florida
dude i don't actually disparage florida it's the best but then i did get some recess once
some recess we got sunburned at recess so sometimes i don't know like our schedule was
weird and sometimes like recess would be longer or pe it was pe and it'd be like instead of 45
minutes it was an hour and a half pe i got cooked i was playing football out there i just got
fucking sunburned at school humiliating and then you were like and i was playing football out there i just got fucking sunburned
at school humiliating and then you were like and i was like you were like my dad didn't wear
sunscreen he's fine and i was like he didn't get skin cancer you're like i mean he did
he's dead now
he got one little my dad is like as pale as i am he's not a redhead, though. But he worked HVAC in Florida in the sun constantly and never wore sunscreen.
And he had one little dot of what's it called?
Melanoma.
Melanoma.
And they zipped it off his face with a fucking razor.
And now he's fine.
There's one little scar right here.
And now he's fine.
I'm looking after you.
You're not looking after me, dude.
I want you to be healthy.
You do not. I want you to be healthy.
You do not. I want you to glow, dude.
Dude, I remember my first tropical vacation I ever took as myself.
Not with my family.
With friends.
And we were in high school.
But I went down there and I was like, I'm going to...
I think I was a junior in high school.
I was like, I'm going to finally bang this chick.
A girl I've been looking forward to.
Kind of friend zone kind of deal. And I was like, I'm going to finally like bang this chick. Like a girl I've been like looking forward to, like kind of,
you know,
friend zone kind of deal.
And I was like, we're going to fuck for sure.
And I met everyone there.
This is one of the saddest stories.
By the way,
dude,
I was like the last person there.
So I met everyone at the beach and they showed up.
I showed up and they're like,
you should put on sunscreen.
And I was like,
no way.
I'm not a sunscreen guy.
Like my parents make me do that, but I don't use sunscreen. Oh yeah. So the whole day I was out. And I was like, no way. I'm not a sunscreen guy. My parents make me do that, but I don't use sunscreen.
Oh, yeah.
So the whole day I was out there, I got like, it must have been third degree burns.
I couldn't have the lights on in the room.
So I would just lay in my room, and my friends and the girls mostly had worked out a schedule
where they'd come in and they'd run aloe on me.
And I would just lay in their lights out for like two days.
And I was like, but when I get out,
I'm finally going to fucking run.
You're just bricked up with sun poisoning.
Your boys are rubbing aloe on you.
Happy ending turnover run out.
Your dick starts raising.
Just peel it.
And I get out and I was like
alright
I only got like
two days left
I gotta find her
I gotta fucking
lock this in finally
and I ask my friends
I'm like
yo where's Amanda at
like oh she's down
the beach with
I forget
his name began
with an A
and I walk down
the beach to find her
and just some
local Bahamian
is banging her
on the beach
oh beautiful
Bahamian man
just a big Bahamian man you saw a guy fuck her on the beach. Oh, beautiful bohemian man? Just a big bohemian man.
You saw a guy fuck her on the beach?
I was walking down out of the house
and I could just see it on the beach and I was like,
I'm going to go back inside.
She was fully having sex?
Fully having sex.
We were in Nassau, we were in Harbor Island,
which is a really tiny little island,
and we had our own house.
And you're just watching a Caribbean guy bang your chick?
And you're like, one day this man will clean my apartment.
Doesn't sound like it was his chick.
So you know she's 15, pedophile!
And you're like, one day this man will clean my apartment.
I will have his seed.
I will have my revenge.
His seed will clean my freak out.
There, kid.
It's so funny to just walk across the street, just smoke cigarettes, watching people clean your apartment.
Such a power move.
It is a power move.
He still texts me.
I don't know what to do.
I'm like, you can just go home, man.
I don't know what to tell you.
It's over, pal.
Yeah, just don't worry about it.
All day, man.
All day.
So you guys, the podcast is Rough Week?
Rough Week.
How long you been doing that?
Two years.
Two years, yeah.
That started off and started here.
Started here.
Yeah, maybe February 22 or 23?
Yeah, something like that.
Or 23, February 23.
Once a week?
Once a week, then we got two on a Patreon.
Yeah, yeah.
Two on a Patreon.
We got two extras on the Patreon. Two extras? You're doing three per week? Once a week, then we got two on a Patreon. Yeah, yeah. Two on a Patreon. We got two extras on the Patreon.
Two extras?
You're doing three per week?
Yeah.
You better be charging a boatload for that.
We do a $5 and then the $10 one.
So one episode's $5.
The $10 one is a debate show.
It's called Gentleman's Duel.
Yeah.
And we bring in takes that we know are going to piss each other off.
Yeah.
Like Ed Sheeran's the man.
Like Ed Sheeran.
Like, yeah.
That would drive him up a wall.
Luke loves Ed Sheeran. Wait. Luke loves Ed Sheeran, like, yeah. That would drive him up a wall. Luke loves Ed Sheeran.
Wait.
Luke loves Ed Sheeran.
I don't.
Put that in now.
What's the take that bothered him the most?
Well, we got into one actual argument.
We did.
I don't even remember what it was.
We both felt bad about it.
Yeah, we started screaming at each other.
It was about the movie Onora.
Yeah.
And then we both really fell into our stereotypes of like,
Kristoff's kind of a condescending dork.
I can see where the argument started.
And I'm like an angry, lug-headed wop.
Sort of.
These are our defaults.
Yeah, these are our...
So it's about that movie Anora.
And I was like, I didn't really like it.
And he was like, why?
Because he liked it. And then I was listing the reasons. And he was like, you didn't get it. And I was like, yes and I was like, I didn't really like it. And he was like, why? Because he liked it.
And then I was listing the reasons, and he was like, you didn't get it.
And I was like, yes, I did.
Oh, I hate that.
So then he starts basically being like, you're stupid.
And he's poking at me.
And it's working.
Oh, completely working.
And I go like, so embarrassing.
And then you became a lug headed wop.
Dude,
I felt so embarrassing the next day.
Don't condescend to me.
That was the energy I'm like.
Dude,
it was so funny because,
I forget how it got to it,
but you were,
it was like before Trump won,
and you were like,
oh,
Trump fucking wins.
I hope Trump fucking wins.
Yeah,
that was,
dude,
that was my angry report.
You were like,
all you liberal pussies deserve every little piece of shit.
Dude, that was my go-to ripcord.
Anytime somebody that even seemed a little hipster-y would bother me,
I'm like, Trump's going to put these people in fucking camps.
Camps, dude.
Camps.
So funny.
It would be like he goes to a hipster coffee shop,
and he's like, can I get regular milk?
And they're like, what do you mean regular milk?
And he's like, Trump is coming for you, motherfucker.
Yeah, I was unleashing him like a Pokemon.
Just my secret Republican beliefs.
Trumpion coming out of the Pokemon.
Wait, what's the argument for an orc?
Because I've seen it twice, and I did not like it.
It's just, I don't know.
I just really liked it.
I thought the performance was really good.
I thought it was, like, funny.
I thought the characters actually made sense.
I feel like, I don't know, and they, like, liked each other
and they were just fun to, like, root for.
It was also, like, a lot of real comedy in it.
I thought it was very funny.
That's all fair.
That's all right.
I just can't stand, like, there's too much, like, the whole second act. I was like, there's all fair that's all right I just can't stand there's too much like the whole second act
I was like
there's too many alarms
and too much screaming
yeah
and shit shattering
it's a lot like
I don't think that movie
exists without Uncut Gems
it's sort of like
a pornographic
almost version of Uncut Gems
which I love Uncut Gems
Uncut Gems rules
yeah
Paz loves both of them
yeah they're both great.
I mean, that last, I don't care if I spoil it, Nora.
I don't think anyone out there is like, are you fucking kidding me, Nora?
I was going to wait until it came out on Blu-ray.
But, yeah, the end scene is, you know, she just, like, fucks this other guy
because who's actually been kind to her the whole time because she's, like, a working girl.
But he's, like, kind and normal to her and treats her like a human being rather than a
commodity to put your cock into yeah and she doesn't even understand it she calls him like
the f-word for gay people repeatedly and then by the end just like cries and puts his cock inside
of her and just starts weeping and you're like what i'm fucking moving that that
scene was very good and you're like what a god he's crying she's crying yeah and like so pissed
because like her life sucks i think he's like her life doesn't suck she's a stripper in manhattan
oh you live oh you live in coney island with your sister big fucking deal oh i feel so bad for this
whore and i was like okay first of all you're lug headed whopping right now
second of all
sex workers are people
third of all you're gay
I thought that people
thought it was like the most amazing movie ever
like you have to really feel
very sympathetic for her character
which I didn't really
this was my argument
you do not have to feel sympathetic for her character which i didn't really this was my argument i go you don't have to you do not have
to feel sympathetic for her character like very like you can but you can understand logically why
she got her hopes up and why she's deluded and stupid and it's sad it's stupid stupid and sad
and funny all at the same time because this hooker thinks she's gonna marry a russian oligarch
but it doesn't work out and she's devastated. I mean, that's so funny.
First of all, so funny.
I mean, she's like, oh, I'm gonna marry the fucking
he's Russian and rich
and shit. It's like so
funny. She Mexican and Filipino?
Yeah, she's Mexican and Filipino.
I think it reminded, no, I'm not gonna say that.
I think that
horror reminded you of your girl.
I could see your girl watching that movie
and be like,
she's stupid.
She's fucking stupid.
What are you so stupid for?
She thought she was
going to marry him.
She's stupid.
I almost verbatim
what she said.
She was like,
she thought she was
getting a come up
and it's like,
no.
And it's like,
no.
I love Autumn so much
She's the best
Sorry I said her name
I don't even care
Speaking of that
You know who's the worst
Is that Ashley St. Clair chick
Who was
I mean I hate Elon Musk
And all the bad things
That can happen to him
Sounds good to me
But that chick is
She's a
Who's she
She's Ashley St. Clair
It's the girl
That got knocked up
She's a right wing
Twitter persona
She's the
Oh
She's like
I think they're silly
For custody
But she like I mean planned this shit To fucking Down to the right-wing Twitter persona. She's the... Oh. She's like a Greek statue person.
But she like,
I mean,
planned this shit
to fucking
down to the
every detail.
Like,
DMs of her
talking to other girls
being like,
I'm trying to get pregnant
by Elon Musk.
Which is not difficult.
That's kind of on you
if you're a billionaire.
Like,
well,
people are trying to get pregnant
with your kids.
For sure.
But he loves this shit.
Yeah,
no,
he wants to impregnate
6,000 people.
He's got his cum in a freezer.
They probably didn't even fuck. Yeah. She probably just like, was like impregnate 6,000 people. He's got his cum in a freezer.
They probably didn't even fuck.
She probably just was like, I'll just show me the freezer.
And then she squatted over a test tube.
And he's just cracking it on the ice rack.
It's just ice cubes of cum.
He's popping it in there.
She just sits upside down with an ice cube of cum.
They were using one of those, I don't know what app it was,
but it was one of those disappearing messages.
And you can't screenshot and stuff like that.
But she was, from the jump, taking pictures of the phone. Of her phone, yeah.
So it was like, this is...
It's so funny how easy that is to get around.
It's the most easy thing on earth to figure out.
I applaud them for even trying and not just being like, yeah, people are going to fucking put your shit out there.
Yeah, it's nuts.
There's no screenshots, whatever. Oh, it's encrypted. I'm like, yeah, people are going to fucking put your shit out there. Yeah. There's no screenshots.
Oh, it's encrypted.
I'm like, I have a camera.
This is really ruined by the fact that my laptop has a webcam.
Really fucking tricked her.
You've caught my cyber dust.
She took my Cyberdust He keeps calling it Cyberdust
Please
If they're in court stop calling it
He's the worst
You know what the worst part about him is
Is
He could be awesome
Like he's a brilliant mind
And did all this cool shit in science
And rockets and all that shit.
Do you know he did none of that?
Well, I was also going to say.
He bought every company he owned.
He did not start any.
I think PayPal was the only one he actually did stuff.
But generally speaking, I think he's a smart dude.
And if he just stayed in that lane and was like, I'm not trying to be funny.
I'm not trying to be cool.
I'm just the science guy.
You could be interesting and do podcasts.
He's some kind of Neil deGrasse Tyson figure.
Yeah, right, right.
People don't like him either, but whatever.
You know your way.
He's kind of an asshole, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
He's definitely a condescending prick.
You got beef? No, not really, but I would like to start that here now.
I want to get on
what's his podcast called? Star
something stupid as hell what's like star
lord and he's like space is actually far away and you're like oh thanks neil fucking piece of shit
i think he didn't he he got some scandals did he he there was like it was like one of those
like he's fucking kids it's one of these like he was mean to me in college and now we're both 50
and you're like
yeah
yeah
well he
he massacred
who's that actor
the guy from Hustle and Flow
oh god
yeah that was like a brutal
yeah
dude I love Terrence
Terrence Ross
I'm team Terrence dude
Terrence Howard
he made a
like a thesis
like a fucking
big thesis
about something like how zero is the lowest number or something.
Dude, it was so funny.
And he sent it to Neil deGrasse Tyson and all these people.
And he wrote back, like, negative numbers exist.
Like, that's it.
Like, your whole thing is invalidated by just, like, negative numbers exist.
And he went on Joe Rogan.
Terrence Ross was like, Neil deGrasse Tyson was so mean to me
and it was like,
because you had the dumbest
fucking theory of all time.
Dude, he thought
one times one equals two.
Yes, that's what it was.
That's what it was.
He thought one times one
is equal to two.
It's so funny to watch
a schizophrenic man.
Yeah, he's having issues.
He's just a schizophrenic.
Yeah, dude.
I saw all this stuff
leading up to it
when he was just
on the red carpet.
Like, he was on the red carpet
for like Captain, not Captain America.
What was he in?
He was in the –
He was Iron Man.
He was Iron Man.
Yeah, and then he got booted out of the –
He wanted a pay raise.
He wouldn't stop talking about one times one equals two.
He's a fucking terrorist on the set with fake math.
Yeah, he's trying to negotiate his contract.
They're like, Terrence, you don't know what you're talking about.
It's like one trillion is actually a number.
You owe me $100,000 it's like i'd like to be paid in the quantum realm he's awesome no but he's on the red carpet they're like uh how was filming this and
he's like i've just been on a whole new wavelength he's like numbers are not real he's like stars are within our reach
they're like okay everybody let's see one of those 360s
it's so great stars are within reach is such a great line i love that guy i I love just listening to someone. I mean, it's kind of not quite Kanye, obviously,
but it tickles a similar thing to me.
I'm like, just break out of the food war.
I want to see a breakdown.
It's in the Cat Williams genre of podcast.
Yeah, but dude, I don't know.
I hold Cat Williams in higher regard.
But Cat's usually talking about shit he knows.
He's talking about comedy.
Yeah, there's some weirdness.
Terrence Ross trying to tell me that you are a mathematician
operating on a different plane.
He's like, I'm half wizard, half numbers.
And you're like, fuck yes.
Dude, honestly, props to Rogan just being like, just go off.
I was going to say, he did a full Rogan podcast,
and I think Joe just let him do it.
He just let him cook.
Yeah, one times one is two.
That was good, bro. bro he's like fuck yeah the uh you just saying kanye reminded me that i kanye is
in some kind of feud with dave the owner of barstool and was that video real i don't know
someone's talking about this week yeah right now yeah oh like a couple days ago and uh he was like
tweeting at dave being like you're
i forgot your rug pull and i don't know it was all it was it was kanye and memes coins and i was
like what about dave bothers kanye what what did you treat about well so someone my dad actually
told this weekend he's like you see dave and kanye are fighting and i was like no i didn't see that
dad and he like kind of went on to explain it to me and i was like no i didn't see that dad and he like kind of went on to explain to me and i was like yeah i got understood and then like two days later our buddy texted us the video and
was like this is crazy and i was like wait he's in a nazi he's in a swastika shirt while he's doing
this and i thought it was great like my dad didn't even think to mention that like as you can assume, Kanye was in a swastika shirt. Oh, my God. Full-blown swastika shirt.
So crazy.
And I thought for a second that, like, it looked like his face was, like, a little filter.
Well, that's true.
All right, guys, hear him out.
So he's getting into the crypto meme coin game.
He sold his Twitter account for $20 million.
Kanye?
Yeah.
Oh, God. So the guy started tweeting at Dave. He sold his Twitter account for $20 million. Kanye? Yeah. Oh, God.
So the guy started tweeting at Dave.
He sold it to a crypto bro.
And this guy's going to launch a coin.
And Dave's been doing that.
So all of a sudden, Kanye, at Kanye West, is tweeting at Dave.
And everyone was like, what the fuck?
But it was actually this other dude.
But then that video came.
And it was like, OK, well, no.
Kanye is involved in this.
Just fucking crazy, man.
Crazy.
Wait, so Kanye's doing crypto now?
Yeah.
Wow.
I think his plan is to launch a meme coin.
Because Portnoy's been crushing it with the meme coins, right?
Well.
Not crushing it?
He's not making money, but in his mind,
he's breaking down barriers.
He's trying to prove a point.
Yeah, well, when you have as much money as him,
you just have fun
that's Elon stuff
let's go terraform Mars
that's crazy
you know
let's go
he started
well he didn't start one
but somebody started
a Barstool coin
that he jumped on
on board with
and it was doing well
for a while
and at one point
he could have sold it
for like 4 or 5 million bucks
and he just didn't
crazy
and he's making a point
but it's also like
it's just
that's just not enough money for him to to sell which is fucking nuts that's crazy whereas the money
that i lost on it definitely was impactful one time i was i started comedy in boston i took the
megabus here and i got off right around here just to take a weekend trip to do shows in new york and
i got off the megabus and i'm like trying to find where this subway is and dave portnoy is walks past me in a suit and he's screaming into a bluetooth
headset and i'm like i'm in the fucking big apple dreams are made of wait you started in boston yeah
where was i mean i started just all over i mean nick's comedy stop was like the first place i
think i ever headlined.
And like, yeah.
So you went from Buffalo to Boston or did you go to school in Boston?
I went to Emerson for one year and, I mean, not.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I dropped out.
But I did go, technically go to Emerson.
I am an Emerson alum.
Me and Jay Leno.
It's like the one school John didn't touch.
Yeah.
I'm the alum of many schools.
Are you from Boston? I'm from Fall River, which is about 45 minutes south. Yeah. I'm the alum of many schools.
Are you from Boston?
I'm from Fall River, which is about 45 minutes south. Yeah, I know Fall River.
You know Fall River?
Of course.
How?
I mean, from doing shows and stuff.
Real shithole, dude.
Getting sausage.
Fall River.
Is that the best town?
I don't know.
I grew up there.
No.
It's more, I more get people, I tell people I'm from Fall River, and they're like, whoa. Yeah. And I'm like, I grew up there. It's more, I more get, like, people, I tell people I'm from Fall River,
and they're like, whoa.
And I'm like, I grew up there, it was fine.
Fall River, New Bedford, with the Portuguese.
The Portuguese, baby.
Dude, I knew a chick that lived in New Bedford,
and she was like, there's Portuguese gangsters down there.
And I was like, I think you mean Puerto Rican.
And she was like, no, they're Portuguese.
And then I went there, I was like, she's not fucking around.
They're Portuguese gangsters.
I don't know.
Not even Brazilian. No, Portuguese. It're Portuguese. And then I went there. I was like, she's not fucking around. They're Portuguese games? It's like, I don't know. Not even Brazilian.
No, Portuguese.
It's Portuguese from the Azores, which is like an island kind of in the middle of the
Atlantic Ocean, but technically belongs to Portugal.
And like, they all came to Fall River.
Like, they came to Southeastern Mass.
It's like, I'm not Portuguese.
It's probably 95% of the city is Portuguese.
Wow.
I had to quit youth soccer because they wouldn't speak English to me.
Like, everyone just spoke Portuguese. And they were probably rainbowed and overused. I was like, I don't know. 85% of the city's Portuguese Wow I had to quit you soccer because they wouldn't speak English
How's practice then like I don't know they don't talk to me
They only speak Portuguese to each other I don't know did you pick up any Debbie ofapra Kaj. It means go home. Chupa mi pelo means suck my dick.
I put that one together.
Penis.
Boston's great, dude.
I love living in Boston.
Yeah, but I really don't go back much anymore.
But I do like Boston.
Boston's the best.
I lived in Alston, Brighton, Summerville. I lived all over.
Yeah.
Dude, that was where we did the fucking Santa Claus video.
I was riding around
It was like some ad deal
And it was like
Lisa mattresses
And I was just riding
I was on
Fucking
What do they call it
Austin Christmas
So I was dressed as Santa
Like riding
On the back of a U-Haul
Just riding
A
A
A
Mattress
Like it was a sled
And the police pulled us over
They were like
What the fuck
Are you doing I was like I'm dressed like Santa in august riding a sled what don't you get bro austin christmas
you can't keep doing that i remember my buddies from boss dude i love boston guys are probably
the funniest people i've ever met just like in life there's there's such a great irish catholic
misery yeah I love being
miserable they're comfortable in misery they're funny and until they go very
funny we were in a group chat my buddies from New York and it was me and then our
two buddies one was from the Polish triangle in dorchester and the other one is a legit southie shot of kyle mcnally he's a fucking he looks like a potato
and they were calling us gay for knowing who jack kerouac is
we were like i That's awesome. We were like, we were like, I mean, on the road, you know,
it's kind of like
one of the books
of the gym.
where's he going?
You know?
To his fucking
boyfriend's house?
Probably to his
fucking boyfriend's house.
And they,
I was like,
we were like,
you're stupid for,
they're like,
sorry we don't read
your queer books.
Sorry.
That's like,
Billy McCusker,
Matt's brother,
once,
you guys all went
to the Eagles game?
Yeah.
And John was like,
so you're like,
you Eagles fan?
He's like,
no,
sports are gay. Like, you're so tough at this is game. Yeah. And John was like, so you're like an Eagles fan? He's like, no, sports are gay.
Like, you're so tough, but this is gay.
Billy was dressed like he just left work.
Like, he was like, came from like the construction site.
He had on the boots, covered in dirt.
So I was like, I didn't know Billy at all.
And I was like, all right, I'll ingratiate myself with him
by talking about his favorite football team.
And I was like, oh, you're a big Eagles guy?
And he just goes, if you can name more than three players on any team,
you are a f***.
I was like, all right.
Dude, I mean, it's funny to think of, like, you know,
it was you, O'Connor, Shane, Tommy.
Like, some guys who I consider, like, the guys guys.
And he's like, you guys are pussies.
Like in football.
Well, that's almost, that's so bro-y.
That's so, like, bro-y that it almost becomes, like, black dude shit.
Where you're like, I ain't going to wear another man's name on your back.
Dude, they are.
Another man's name on your back?
You got another man's name on your back.
You got a man on your back.
You got another man name on your back.
Rather than his family. His family.
His people, huh?
They do not like the gay stuff.
I mean, the amount of just gay shit that we'll say in any given podcast.
And every time we have a black guest, we're like, we're not saying that.
They're not.
Yeah, they don't like that.
No, they do not.
No, suck my dick.
No, like, oh, I'd fuck that guy.
None of these jokes.
Like, no, they do not like that. Our, he sucked my dick. No, like, oh, I'd fuck that guy. None of these jokes. Like, no, no, they do not like that.
Our friend David Jolly, bro, he has like,
it's some sort of like weird sixth sense thing.
As soon as I'm saying the gayest thing on earth,
my lovely African-American friend David Jolly
like appears behind me.
And he goes, man, y'all always doing gay shit.
Man, it's countdown to when the white people is gay.
The other day, Cameron, I think it was Cameron,
said pause when he said the word intense.
He goes, oh, that was intense pause.
Cameron, just so you know, you can fuck a woman intensely.
I think that's super gay.
If you think that intense means gay yeah they think everything is gay we had we had
dot we used to have like a internet game answer the internet and it was like just stupid questions
and you fucking ask people like guests we'd have them on and we had donald rawlings on once and i
swear to god every card we handed him he went gay and threw it it's always like would you suck a
dick or fuck a guy?
They were just mentioning the existence of men.
And he was like, gay.
Meanwhile, we're like, who's the hottest guy in Hollywood?
And why is it Chris Hemsworth?
You think it's Hemsworth?
Yeah, dude.
I think maybe he might be aging out of it, but I'm always like Gosling number one.
Gosling is... Gosling is kind of number one.
It's a little number one.
I even like, why do I have upspeak
when I talk about Ryan Gosling?
Dude, what's the movie with...
We interviewed Hemsworth once, though.
I'm sure the same can be said for Gosling.
When you see Hemsworth in person,
it's like a work of art.
I was like, you're fucking...
You're so hot, you're disgusting.
It's the only time I've ever been part of a conversation where. It's like, I'll work on it. I was like, you're fucking, you're so hot, you're disgusting.
It's the only time I've ever been part
of a conversation
where it was literally like,
we are ignoring the elephant
in the room.
Like,
all we should be talking about
is what you look like.
Like,
the fact that
anyone says anything else
is crazy.
And then you're like,
why do black dudes think we're gay?
All I can focus on is Crimson.
Perfect face.
We laid it on thick like that though.
I was like, you're fucking so hot.
But he was like, I mean, you can tell that's happened a billion times.
He knew how to deflect it, accept the compliment, but keep it moving.
He was laughing.
I was like, this guy.
No, you guys are good-looking fellas.
Shut the fuck up.
He said that.
I was like, do not patronize me.
Do not condescend to me.
That's so funny.
Because he doesn't know what to do.
He's very handsome.
He was sitting when we walked in the room
and then he stood up
and he's obviously a big dude
and he spread his arms.
I was like, oh, I could nuzzle up into those.
You just hug him and be like,
there's a little bone.
Can we just stay like this for the next half hour
instead of an interview? That'd be great.
He gave him a bottle of sparkling water
and he opened it and it exploded
and it was
the most symbolic thing.
All over him.
Before the interview started.
Just busted.
It was before the interview. They were like, do you need water? I was like, yeah, sure.
It would be great. And I guess someone went and
sprinted to get one, sprinted to get back, didn't tell me
it was fucking sparkling, so I opened it, and it
just went everywhere.
All over him. Nice to opened it, and it just went everywhere. Like, all over him.
Like, all right, nice to see it.
That rules.
That's great.
All right, so the podcast is Rough Week.
Rough Week.
You guys are both out on the road and stuff.
You got any tickets, or what are we doing?
I got Minneapolis.
You can come to my Instagram or watch the podcast.
I got Minneapolis and Chicago.
You in Minneapolis on a Friday night?
I should be on a Friday, yeah.
Yeah, you might want to check out Gay 90s.
Gay 90s?
Is that a bar?
It's a gay bar.
It's awesome.
Why the black people?
It's so weird
that it's coming up
on the heels
of that conversation.
All right.
On Fridays,
they have kink night sometimes.
Oh, boy.
And it's like...
You have to prep.
Like, we...
Like, you know these guys well enough to know if they're
going to be happy to be in a club where someone's getting their dick whipped?
I'm going to tell them.
You didn't get into the part
why I have to go.
It's just a crazy scene.
Look, I promise
you this. You'll be talking about it your next
set.
Trust me, it's super gay.
You're going to want to see this. You're going to love love it but it's crazy we just saw this last interview too but like the craziest
thing to see was like how many husbands got dragged to it because it's it's like it's a it's
it's it's called gay 90s but it's like you know there's all kinds of like dominatrix latex there's
a lot of men and women there it's not all just gay shit yeah yeah and like the woman would be like dressed to the nines and latex and all this stuff and the guys would be in like a
viking sweatshirt and cargo shorts you're really not fucking making it look like you're into this
dude but there's like people that ride it's all right again if you're looking for something to
talk about on saturday night go to go to gay night is that friday night well hey listen to the pod
yeah that's the main thing just listen to rough week
yeah
and follow me on Instagram
christian official
okay
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appreciate you guys
thank you
thanks for having us
it was a blast
thanks guys
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