KFC Radio - Nikki Glaser || Your Grandpa Has a Foot Fetish

Episode Date: April 28, 2022

- Feits got banged up while doing a project that shall remain confidential at the moment - Coach Duggs buys expired milk for the bargain - Everything Feits touches gets destroyed - Feits goes to a midday strip club and just missed the cutest b*tthole contest by a few hours - AITA - Video Voicemails - the ick - worst alternative pet to own - quality or quantity gifts - Nikki Glaser Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Feits' secret project 13:58- Duggs' expired chocolate milk 35:25 - Feits' food poisoning 55:05- ruining small midwest towns 59:09 - mid day strip club 1:16:23 - AITA 1:40:46 - Video Voicemails 1:57:3 - Nikki Glaser Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Gametime: Download the Gametime app and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Blue Nile: Go to https://barstool.link/bluenileBSS and use code KEVIN for $50 off $500You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. While you were at the strip club contemplating moving your flights to see the prettiest butthole contest, the reason I went home was for T-Ball. And I am now, I think, the coach of the team. Shut up. At least for this week. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this?

All right, we'll get to the intro. Okay. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Nick gave me a warning today. He was like, yo, Feist is going to be gassed. Your boy's been working hard. Bro, I worked hard the last two days I have in my life. I don't doubt it.

Secret project we can't talk about. If you were at our Boston live shows, you know what it was. And John was... In the last two days, you know what it was. And John was. In the last two days, I would guess I worked 30 hours, maybe. Something like that. I don't really know. That's usually two weeks worth. I was complaining about it on, because Nick was there doing behind the scenes stuff with everything.

And I was complaining about it. And I did the math. As I said, I was like, that's a regular two days. Some people are like dude what I work from 8am to 10pm tonight a lot of the world does that shit man you're working doubles

and triples and overtime it's been a while there was a time I was doing that shit not no more people don't respect that enough by the way usually anybody who's made it to a point where they're successful enough and rich enough and complaining about that, they did their time.

They did their work. You can't do that forever. Come on. Can't work forever. I'll tell you what, 10 years ago, I'd have loved to be working 8 to 10. 24-7, if I didn't, I got fired. Multiple times, I got fired.

But anyway. 24-7 if I didn't I got fired multiple times I got fired but anyway so you're on your secret mission here's the deal I got punched in the face yesterday so my jaw hurts pretty bad okay wait check out these fucking thighs up yeah dude

what is that? I got I got fucking Dude I got fucking Bruised all over my ass I got abused bro Wait what happened to your face? I was doing

I was doing like a I didn't want to say it But your face looks a little Puffy Well yeah I got fucking I got fucking And I was just thinking like

Damn my man has like A lot of sodium He's just on like a He's on a bender or something It's that too It's sodium in me okay oh you got back from Nashville

yeah we'll get you a little barbecue yeah but there's there's uh yeah it got it's very very tender is there an action scene

an action a what uh um it's almost I love that we're it's like top secret I know

but there is it's like yeah there's some some kind of action happening. And I jump and I come down on someone's shoulder who was wearing a spiked leather jacket. So, like, I come down like, whoa. I played it off because I'm a fucking professional. Apparently.

You're a goddamn wrestler out here taking bumps. Yeah, dude. It was literally spiked metal jacket right in my jaw. Did you have to do it that way? No, it was an accident. I sold out. What's up with the biceps? Fucking chain banging, baby. None of this is going to make any sense. It'll make sense.

I'll show you. Let me show you what I mean by chain banging. Last episode didn't make it. This picture. This is a cock tease because we can't put it in this episode. But soon enough, this picture will be out there. And this is all that is Feidelberg. This is you in a nutshell.

This is the dichotomy. This is like the duality of Feidelberg here. Wow. And so you're just rubbing your arms against those chains. It was, that was, that was, that was on a downtime.

That was in, uh, other times I was really fucking going. Yeah. Yeah. The whole thing, but I'm happy to be downtime. That was, dude, in the other times I was really fucking going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole thing. But I'm happy to be back. Bro, it's a little insight. I wish you didn't tell me my face looks swollen because I'm self-conscious the rest of the episode.

But what are you going to do? There's a reason. You smashed it against a spiked fucking bleaching tomb. Spiked, bro. So spiked that I was going to go sit on a chair later. And someone ran and moved and they were like whoa we don't want you to hurt yourself I already headbutted it

if I lean back gently in a chair and happen to catch it we'll be okay it sounds like you went through a hardcore match oh shit a lot of spikes it's just a little insight to some of the jobs that people think is cushy.

You know, people think is, is all gravy and, and, and you know, it's not, it's not, it's not.

I, I, I commend these people. Yes. It's not easy. Well, you, again,

you'll find out soon enough. We're just doing an episode on something we can't talk about, but, but, uh, it will make sense. And, and I heard heard uh my feedback that i hear is that

you were like a fucking rock star i i heard you crushed it people tell me i don't believe them but i think that's something people say so like they're like we don't have any other options so like we can't change this so let's gas him up, I guess. Yeah, maybe, maybe. But I think that you're better, you're more skilled at this than you give yourself credit for. And I think it'll be your second act. Yeah, oh yeah. Get punched in the face. Yup, yup, it's coming. Johnny's second act.

His true calling is coming. It hurts. I usually rest my chin on the mic. It hurts. I can't do it. You look like a stunner, dude. Bam! I wish we had video because I actually thought people were going to notice it.

Not only did I hit my chin on it, right? As I came down further, it got into my mouth. And I thought I was going to be bleeding. So I was like, oh, man thought i was going to be bleeding so i was like oh man this is gonna look sick um wait your lip was bleeding a little bit at one point why did you tell me that i thought i tasted blood that's i i don't think it's someone else's job to know if your lip is bleeding i was like i think i take blood yeah i i thought it was like a sparkle or something or like maybe it was makeup.

That was blood, dude. Yeah, that makes sense because I didn't see that happen. I wasn't outside at that point. No one told me I was bleeding. I got fucked up on this shit. Seriously. No wonder they were like, you were awesome. Usually people aren't doing this shit. Yeah.

Jackie Chan. I get it, bro. I fucking get it broken ankle do you remember that what rumble in the bronx it was it was probably the first time can you look up when rumble in the bronx came out jackie chan i remember hearing this this like inside uh behind the scenes story thinking like this was the the most badass impressive thing ever but jackie chan 95 so I'm 10, right? This makes perfect sense.

Jackie Chan's on the come up, Mr. Fucking Do Your Own Stunts, whatever. He did this scene in Rumble in the Bronx, which we all love. I was living in City Island at the time, the Bronx. He does this scene where he jumps from a rooftop, apartment rooftop to a fire escape. And he broke his ankle. He landed and he fucking rolled it and broke it

and they just made him a rubber shoe that looked like his other a rubber galasha almost that looked like his other shoe and they just stretched it over his cast and he just did the rest of the movie with a broken fucking ankle and I was like that is the most badass thing I've ever heard

he's a hockey player he's no he's no basketball player he's a hockey player uh by the way uh watching the mets game right now real quick steve cohen billionaire many times over out here on twitter he tweeted the best at twitter's a minefield dude he got duped by a funny... You got got by him too. I've got Mark Gooden. He's a top-notch grade-A troll. Okay, I have a problem. I got a lot of problems right now. I got a lot of problems.

Air him out. One, I don't think that you get got that early in a Twitter person's life. How many followers does he have? Yeah, I don't blame you. I'm with you. He's not a lot. It's just that if you're a Mets, I've seen him in action for the whole season now, so I know. How many does he have?

I think 20,000 is going to be my cutoff. Yeah, he's not going to have 20,000. He has 4,000. 4,000? You'll get got then. That's a regular person. And when regular people troll you and they're like, you fell for that? I'm like, yeah, I don't know who the fuck you are. Well you guys got got got on one of he has like running things that he and we know so we're like laughing

at it you got got like i forget what it was it was a reply to frankie it was um frankie was tracking tiger woods's jet and he said something like oh he was he took a air he was a pilot or something like that yeah yeah yeah like that was very fun. Now that I know it's very funny. Yeah, like, he's very good at sounding like a mad online person. Yeah. But for this. And it's also so fucking cowardly, two-sided, two-faced of me to say this. Because I was in so early on PFT, and I thought it was the funniest thing.

Amazing guy, everybody. When he'd get people. And I was like, are you fucking idiot? Well, I'll tell youFT and I thought it was the funniest thing when he'd get people. And I was like, are you fucking idiot? You thought that was real? I will challenge Mark in this sense. I said, bro, you're hilarious. I think I would love to have him be on the Mets team here at Barcelona. I think he's great. I said, come on the show.

And he's like, I can't. I don't want to ruin my day job. I'm like, you have your face on your fucking Twitter. He uses a fake last name I'm like, well, listen You can't be this troll extraordinaire And then be like, I can't risk it He's committed to the bit I'm a real troll

But also, I don't think trolling I don't think it's trolling I think he's just being funny I think trolling is like You're being actually malicious Or you're a dickhead. This is just funny. Yeah, I'm making a little joke. You don't get the joke.

That's okay. He writes for some fake fucking newspaper called The Federalist. I mean, his life's... The Federalist is real, right? Yeah, but it's fake. He's just like, I'm the New York Mets beat reporter for The Federalist. He's like this taglineline that he responds to everyone. And he fights with weather Twitter a lot.

He claims that he's the weatherman and knows the weather. And these weather people get all bent out of shape. He uses other people's photos that are very obviously not his. It'll be like a – I can't even think of an example. But it'll be like this picture is a photo exclusive of an example like but it'll be like this picture is a a photo exclusive from the federalist when it's like very obviously not and then people will be like no no you took this from the other beat reporters who were there on the field and he's like you must not be familiar with the copyright act of 1976 but today he goes uh steve cohen owner

of the mets is in st louis and told the clubhouse anybody who hits a home run against Steve and Mets gets a free car. And WFAN ran with it and set it on the air. And it was Tiki and Tierney. And Brandon Tierney was like, yep. And Tiki's like, no. Come on. That can't be. And Brandon Tierney's like, yeah, nope, nope.

I mean, that's what the tweet says. That's what I read. Oh, well, then it must be true. But what's funny about it is, like, it's just right there that it could be true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's such a baller and so rich that maybe he's giving away cards. Because that was the one he was very mad about, right? He's never been around an agent so professional.

I've never been to St. Louis. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's mad about the pitcher today. Yeah. So he would want to get revenge. So that would make sense. Like, yeah, I'll get a card. Absolutely. But that St. Louis tweet,

I quote tweeted and said... Well, what Steven said, I've never even been to St. Louis. I've never been to St. Louis. I said, new rule about cities. If someone with unlimited money who can go wherever they want, whenever they want,

has never been to you, you're not a city. You're a joke. You're not a city. I like that. I like that. St. Louis doesn't. St. Louis is...

I'll tell you who's not... Who doesn't like that tweet. St. Louis. St. Louis doesn't. St. Louis is. I'll tell you who's not. Who doesn't like that tweet. St. Louis. St. Louis doesn't love it. I'll tell you another thing. If you take tweets like that seriously and get bent out of shape, you're not a city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you have to defend, it's almost like if you don't know what it is, you can't afford it or whatever that fucking line is if you have to defend your city for not being a city then

you're not city yeah someone someone replied to me dude that would eliminate half the cities in the u.s i said that's a feature not a bug pal that is like that's the point they're not going there yeah if you're not on the coast guess what yeah steve cohen's probably never been therefore you're not i would say steve cohen's been to New York, Miami, Los Angeles, Chicago. I was wondering Boston. I don't think so. I think he's probably done a week. Maybe a little business.

I don't think he's went to Boston because he was like, let's go to Boston for the weekend. I think maybe business has brought him to Boston. It's so close to New York. But I would. He's been to Boston. Big history, Buff to New York. I guess. But I would... Nah, he's been to Boston. I would venture to guess... Big history buff, Cullen. You don't know this about him?

I think that if he has business in Boston, Boston comes to Cullen. I think he brings everybody in Boston to New York. That's true. I'm just going to ask him right now. I do love... Steve Cohen, I have you. This is an important question.

What's his name? Handle Steve... Stephen Cohen, too, I think. Stephen Cohen? Have you ever been? Yes, Stephen A. Cohen. Stephen A. Cohen. PH or?

No, no, V. I didn't think so. Okay. Stephen Cohen. Have you ever been to Boston? Twitter is a minefield, bro. This is important. See, this is good old-fashioned trolling I had a funny interaction

I know you got a couple things but I had a funny interaction in the office today and it actually got me thinking because Dan announced he's moving back to Chicago and I got a couple calls I didn't listen to that how did that go? I think everyone's kind of known that for a while yeah everyone everyone here fine it was um you know it was two people

trying to pretend that it's not going to change things it's two guys who you know yelled at karabas for leaving uh going to boston and saying that's a big deal and then doing it no but a lot of what they were saying was making sense and it's not like that big of a deal but obviously things will change because of it and so i got some calls people asking what do you think will change what do you think will stay the same and i was saying uh you know there's something about being in the office and it's not that like you have to be there for uh when dave's on the warpath because the the the yankee guys didn't clean up the office. Or when Ellie is doing the play-by-play.

The big things that happen, right? That, of course, matters. But also it's just like there's these little interactions that happen that you realize give you content and give you stories and just wouldn't happen. If everyone's off on their own, you just live in your own silo. It's like – But there's a Chicago office, right? There obviously is one already. Right. But it will all be separated. So you'll have your own silo. It's like... But there's a Chicago office, right? Oh, there obviously is one already. Right, right. But, you know, it'll all be separated, so you'll have

your own interactions, but it won't really mix in. But as I was talking about that and saying that, I had one. So I go to the kitchen, and Dougsy's there. I said, how you doing, big man? He was like, I'm great. I just got some Stu Leonard's chocolate milk. Do you know Stu Leonard's chocolate milk?

No, I don't. What a lie. Yes. I'm unbelievable. I just got a bunch of chocolate milk. It gets so much better. Stu Leonard's chocolate milk is worthy of... Your day is great. I'd have to try it.

It comes in a glass container. It's thick. It's chocolatey. And when it's cold, it's good. And so he's like, I just got some Stu Leonard's chocolate milk. I brought it in. And I was like, ooh, shit. And he goes, I just had it. I just kept it in the freezer all morning.

So it's like ice cold. And I'm like, ooh, can I have some? So I started pouring my cup. And he goes, he goes. And I'm like, at this point, you know, it's just a cup of chocolate milk, but clearly makes him happy, and I'm just happy to play. I'm not going to yuck his yum, and I'm just like, oh, yeah, chocolate milk. I like that. That's awesome.

Thank you for this cup. It's going to make my day, too. And he goes to me, you know, he's like, it's two letters chocolate milk. It's like $6 a carton or a glass bottle, whatever. And I was like, yeah, I mean, that's that good stuff. And he's like, got this one here for $2. They dropped down the price when it's expiring. And I'm like, and I was like, and I didn't, in the moment I was like, oh, cool.

Like good price. And I'm pouring the chocolate milk and I walk out of the kitchen and drink it. And I'm like, Doug's just served me expired chocolate milk. And he was telling me a story about it. Six bucks, but I get it for two when it's rotten. I mean, what? Hey, it's expensive chocolate milk, but I get a discount when it's spoiled. What is that?

Doug's. He's paying six bucks for the fresh milk, Doug's. I didn't know milk cost... I don't know what things cost. I'd be very bad if price was right. Pay $600 for the milk that's not spoiled. I will pay literally any milk for milk that's not rotten. But who is...

Doug's is younger than us, right? Yeah, I think so. That's too young to be bragging about discounts. I don't even care if it's just a good... like, yeah, I got that on sale, two bucks. No, you know what? I think when you're really young. I think when you're really young and you're like, I used to get by on like $3 for dinner when I was fresh out of college.

I think there's bragging about being frugal then and then when you're like 90. I don't know. Not bragging, but almost like that. I never bragged about being frugal because I wanted to present myself as someone who was like... Not broke. I also wasn't frugal at all. But the...

We've talked about your days of tomato soup, the Kraft single. That's true. That's true. And Four Locos. Those are the best. Yeah. Four Loko for dinner? I would...

The nights I went out, I would not eat. I'd chug a Four Loko before I left, drink a Four Loko in the cab on the way to the bar, and then I'd just fucking shit. Then I'd piss myself in a half hour and go home. Life was great. Living, man. That's living, dude. That's when I was getting the most snatch.

Dude, I love this fucking life bro that was a time when one time i took out uh uh a personal loan like one of those like like i saw the uh like call one commercial yeah eight seven seven cash now yeah yeah i took out a loan to buy drugs and I never got the money I just gave them all my information they never gave me the money so there's someone out there who's just treating me like a stock

and they're just waiting to see if I have enough money they're like pull it now and they're just going to take all of my money can I change my social security? do you think there's a chance that you applied to a place that's like, hey, are you destitute, down and out, and desperate for money? I was looking at the question like, yes. But I had to watch it on TV like, yeah.

Yeah, I know. They're talking to me. Do you want to buy drugs to go out with your friends tonight? Like, yes! Yes, I do! Now, do you think there's a chance that despite the fact that their clientele, their clientele is specifically like homeless people, that you still didn't qualify?

That they were like, this guy is even too risky for us? Absolutely a chance. Absolutely a chance. It was, dude, it was like, I was already like one or two full locos in when it happened. So I don't really know what was going on. But I fucking know I called. I know I gave him all my information. I was like, now we sit back

and wait for my money. And it never came. Now we just sit back and get rich. Don't worry, it's going to be a fucking 40% interest rate. Whatever. This being an adult shit is easy, man. My drugs are going to be here. Like that.

I want to eliminate the middleman. I want to have the guy who's giving me the loan just bring the drugs. going to be here. Like that. I was like, I want to eliminate the middleman. I have the guy who's giving me the loan. Just bring the drugs. He sells those too. You're a loan shark, right? You got coke on you? Let's just cut to the chase.

Oh my God. That's funny shit. Yeah. So that was, so yeah, I've been, I've been frugal before. Yeah.

But have you been, I look for the expiring milk frugal. No, but I also will defend Dougsy on this, that food safety is a farce. I say that as someone with food poisoning. All the time. No, currently. Oh, right now. Currently.

I would say you get food poisoning six times a year. Oh, fuck you. Not up it, baby. Once a month? Yeah, probably. You're good for 12 times a year. I'm going to take a break from this show to go to the bathroom. That's going to happen at some point.

Dude, and here's the deal, because last night on the way home, probably around 10 o'clock or so. What did you eat? I was coming home, and I wanted to treat myself. I had a pretty interesting two days. I was done, and I was like, you know what, man? You're hungry. You deserve it. Get some lobsters or fradiabla, whatever.

Got there like 11 o'clock last night. From where? I don't know. Like a fucking bodega. Random ass place. 11 o'clock lobster delivery is not legitimate lobster. Yeah. No, it was whatever. Random ass place. 11 o'clock lobster delivery is not legitimate lobster. Yeah.

No, it was whatever. And so I ate it. Fucking pretty sick all night. Pretty sick. Pretty sick all night. No one just eats being sick quite like you. You'll just like shit and puke all night and be like, that's just how I do. Bro, don't.

Hang on. I wasn't even going to tell this story. So finally get to bed around 2 a.m. And 4.30, I wake up craving some chocolate. And now, mind you, I had consumed a bizarre amount of candy the day before. And so I... Is it really bizarre, or is it standard? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Even for you?

It's bizarre by my standards. And so I wake up around 4, 35 o'clock this morning and craving something sweet. I had lobster party. I've done the savory and craving something sweet now. So I go to my freezer where, I't know Two and a half weeks ago I guess I ordered a frosty There's a frosty No

In the freezer So I go to bed I get the bread That came with my spaghetti And I get The The The frosty

I go to bed I'm dipping the bread In the frosty I like that move Yeah I'm eating it About five o'clock I pass back out Five o'clock 5 o'clock pass back out.

7 o'clock wake up. Shit, my brain's out. Pass back out. Wake up 9. Hungry at 11. Leftover lobster frati at 11.30. Came here at 1.

Guess what's gonna have to go. Can you do the pattern, folks? Can you do the next what happens the next couple hours? 20 minutes, guys. Your poor body. Donate that thing to science, man. It is.

It is. It's one of those things where I may have shot himself in the chest to save his brain. We. It is. It is. Shoot yourself in, you know when, like, It's one of those things where, like, I may have shot himself in the chest to save his brain. We don't need your brain. Kill your brain.

We need to look at the rest of your body. Make sure that this is all intact so we can just look at, like, your intestines and how your fucking digestive tract works.

Well, it's like, it's like Doug's, if I could compare my body to something, it's like Doug's milk. I know it doesn't have much time left, but I better get

use of it now. John, there's a lot of milk references at Barstool, you know? Bag of milk and all that shit. You are a jug of almost expired milk. Expiring milk. I do, but I am with you. Any legal or public standards are going to be wildly conservative. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I forgot why we were talking about all this. When they say take two Advil, you can take like ten. Yeah. They're not going to let you overdose by like, well, if you have three, you're going to overdose. Let's tell them to take two. They're going to cut it down by like ten. And if the milk says it's going to expire on the 26th, could drink it but i but i say that and i and i know that chicken just if it smells fine just cook it right the beef it smells fine cook it steak doesn't expire i don't know people know that

dude like it's it is it is so easy to not get food poisoning from yet you just continue to do it well i know no no no no what i'm saying is and and also, if it smells, just wash it, and then you still cook it. Also, I've had E. coli before. The black people who listen to our show right now are just fucking. So many black people listen to our show if you said that. No, we just found out. So many black people listen to the show. Actually, I'm going to throw the challenge flag on this.

I'm absolutely challenging this. It's not even worth talking about because it's so obviously not true, but we got. Nick, where are these analytics at? We got like a deck email to us, right? Can we, can you forward that to me, like to the top of my email so I can open it up? That is, this is- We got like a full-blown- Oh, this is from Barstool Internal?

Yes. Oh, I thought it was like YouTube analytics. In that case, there's no chance this is real. Yeah, this is- There's YouTube analytics. In that case, there's no chance this is real. Yeah, this is no shot. No fucking shot. This was supposed to be like a full deck that they send out to clients and prospective business and stuff. And that it shows like who we are and how many followers we have and what our shows are. And then part of it is a breakdown of all of our demographics.

Did you find it? I don't know of them is like a a full demographic breakdown ages salaries we got rich people too which i actually do believe that our our our show has the highest average income at barstool really we got the ritziest motherfuckers at barstool listening to our show that's pretty nice yeah fucking so spend your money hey shout out to you guys yeah buy tickets to philly and chicago in philly step your shit up everybody in philly for years was like come to philly come to philly we come to philly we have hundreds of tickets still on sale prove i'm telling you philly right now prove your fucking worth or we're not coming back to philly. Buy your tickets. This is your one shot.

Also, by the way, Philly, there might be a very surprised guest that night. We might be working on something very special for Philly. Do I know that? Yeah, I texted you about last night. You went, dude, that would be sick. It's like our last text exchange. It literally might be the last thing we said to each other.

I, like, don't, like, gun to my head, I don't think I could tell you what it is. I mean, I'm obviously going to remember it, like, as soon as I read it, but, um. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying. So, KFC Radio fans. And it's actually this really cool, well, okay, so this is what's funny. Can I show this?

Probably not. I don't think so. Okay, so, like, the middle guy is a Mets fan. We are the Kings of showing internal bars and stuff that is not supposed to be shared. And I fucking wear that crown with honor. That's the good stuff. So like the middle thing is sports. Fans of KFC radio are three times more likely to be sports fans.

And then you go over here and it's gamers. The guy with the headset on. Three times more likely than what? The average listener. Yeah. Uh, KFC radio fans are 2.5 times more likely to be gamers. Nerds.

Then you go to cars. Fans of KFC Radio are 1.6 more times likely to be interested in cars. Shout out to me. This one is fucking 100% me. 40% of KFC Radio listeners are a parent under the age of 18. Nah, that's shout out to... What? A parent under the age of a kid of 18.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Kevin. Congratulations. That would be cool. Congratulations on fucking bringing teen mom back. That would be cool. I would wear that one with a badge of honor. We got a bunch of 17-year-old parents to just leave it in. Then we've got money.

40% of KFC radio listeners make over 75K. We've got entertainment. KFC radio listeners are 1.4 times more likely to be entertainment fans. Who are not fans of entertainment? I don't like to be entertained. Movies, television, I don't do that. That was like the tweet I saw last night. I don't know if it was viral.

I saw it on my timeline a few times. And it was like, imagine if you spent a whole year not eating out, not partying, not traveling, and just stacking cash. You'd be richer than 85% of your friends. You better be. You better be richer than 100% of your friends if you just live a joyless life for a year. For real, man. Like, come on.

They have this douchebag with his glasses. Says that they're 1.7 more times likely to be interested in fashion. And then there's just a couple black guys laughing there's two black guys laughing and it just says african-american and it says 21 percent of our listeners are african-american there's just no way there's not i'd challenge if it said there were 21 black people listening to the show i just talked to myself talk about myself as shitting myself because I eat raw meats all the time. They hate us.

They hate listening to us. That's for sure. I don't think there's any show. 21% is a huge number. Huge number. You could take fucking Jesus and Mero. I don't know if it's 21%. That is a staggering number.

It's so many. One quarter of our show is African American? One fifth. But still. Okay. Let's not fucking split hairs here. It's above 20%. Listen, there's no mathematicians on this.

20% is black people? What does that mean? If you're a black person, shout out you. But there's just no way there's multiple people. What would have been your honest guess? 100 people.

100 black guys. Zero black women. I know of two diehard stoolies who are like old school chicks who are black chicks who like have like ride or die they have gone to bat for us like through racial stuff through misogynistic stuff i know girls who have gone to bat and they do it a smart way where they're like you know they don't always get it right they're good guys

so i know they're not like complete dick riders they They're just like, yeah, we get it. But I know there's the OBS, the original Black Stoolies, or a crew of guys who have been following. Oh, they moved on from us years ago. Well, that's what's interesting. They're like, we're done with this stupid shit. I mean, I follow them on Twitter. They're all a fucking mess.

I've partied with them before. But they're like, yeah, I think we're over this. But, I I mean this number gotta come from somewhere yeah the clouds the registry in the sky I meant actual like 21%

the actual clouds what? don't say that because this is going to sales what? that we make up all our internal stuff? What? Don't say that. Why? Because this is going to sales. What? Oh, whatever. What, that we make up all our internal stuff? Yes.

That's how this business works, Nick. We are podcasters. It's all made up. It's all made up. It's still too early. No one knows anything about this. No, it really is. It is the wild fucking west.

Well, I do know something about this. 21% of the people who listen to this show are not black. That's the one thing I know with certainty. Like the fact. Everything else I'm like sure maybe. Four, five, six, seven. There's seven. There's eight things that they were like we got to like explain.

And one of those is that everybody's black? No way. No way. No way. How many are Spanish? How many are Asian? Are we like, are there any white people listening? I don't know what's going on.

Imagine only half our audience was white. That would be so funny. If we found out that like 46% of people were white. 20% black, 18% Hispanic, 19% Asian, a couple Eskimos. 21.1%. shout out to the 21 you are the 21 unreal I love it

that's maybe my favorite thing that has ever come out of my favorite lie of all time you want to talk about trolling and being facetious and shit that's that that's like Nate the other day replied to Spin Shake Lips Favorite lie of all time. Yeah. You want to talk about trolling and being facetious and shit? That's that. That's like Nate the other day replied to Spin Chicklets before their Wayne Gretzky interview.

They said, like, what's your favorite Gretzky stat of all time? Yeah. And Nate replied, despite only playing 18 games with the St. Louis Blues, he's still top 10 in all-time scores. No. It's not true. Everyone looked it up. It's Steve Cohen giving away cars. What? Hold on. true everyone everyone looked it up it's steve cohen everyone's giving away cars what like hold

on i i did a game uh when um when tony gwynn died i think that was like in our blogging lifetimes right tony gwynn passing away i feel like i think it was i did a game uh like real or fake and i put up tony gwynn stats and then i made some up and it's like it's a it's a fucking coin flip every time and greg maddox greg maddox tony gwynn greg gwen gret up and it's like it's a fucking coin flip every time and Greg Maddox Greg Maddox Tony Gwynn Greg Gwynn Gretzky I think are the guys who like bonds bonds but yeah the thing about bonds is

it so yeah yeah sure you can just make up shit about home runs Tony Gwynn just has stuff like he like swung and missed yeah swung and missed like three times yeah it's like it's fucking insane so yeah I mean listen kids you're in business out there you're in the podcast world you're in marketing you're in sales Swung and missed. Like three times. It's fucking insane. So, yeah, I mean, listen, kids, you're in business out there. You're in the podcast world.

You're in marketing. You're in sales. Make your numbers up. What isn't made up, what is a hardcore fact is that GameTime is the best app to buy and sell tickets that are guaranteed to be the lowest price and the best available tickets for everyone on the secondary market. It has the best technology with the most up-to-date times. Uh, so, you know,

you put your tickets on sale in the secondary market and if nobody's buying them, you got to drop your price. Right. And so, um, you do that and you know, it's 10 minutes before game time.

The tickets still haven't sold. You've got to drop them all away. That's when people on game time swoop in and get tickets for next to nothing because people just have to unload them and they want to get something back for their money. Or you can get yourself some courtside seats or some box seats, behind home plate, whatever, when you can find the best price available on game time. Right now, you download the game time app, go to the Accounts tab, create a login, redeem code KFC, and get $20 off

your first purchase. We got Barcelona at the ballpark this weekend. That is separate from this, but I just want to say we're going to be out at the ballpark. I'm going to try to go to many Mets games this year. Bruins are in the playoffs. Bruins are in the playoffs. Big time.

Big time. If you want to try to swing some postseason tickets in the playoffs Bruins are in the playoffs big time big time if you want to try to swing some postseason tickets in the NBA all of this or your favorite band Celtics and Bruins

are both going to win the championship which is going to be sick that's I don't know enough about hockey the Celtics are not going to win

the NBA title but the NBA is weird right now this is the most open it's been in forever. So anything's possible. Download the GameTime app. Last minute tickets, lowest price. Guaranteed.

So last night, I tweeted a tweet. I twoted a quote. I twatted. Actually, it was once I got my food. It was when I got my lobster spaghetti. It's all tied together beautifully. You were a Charlie Kelly.

And yesterday morning, I woke up early, and I was told by what I was doing, you know what, you got an extra hour. So I ordered – this happened twice yesterday. I ordered a bagel, not from my usual spot. My usual spot, it was going to take too long. It was going to be like an hour. I needed 20 bagel. Not from my usual spot. My usual spot. It was going to take too long. It was going to be like an hour. I needed 20 minutes. Breakfast sandwich. I accidentally got the eggs over easy on it.

It's all runny. So yeah. I like that actually. So I usually like... Not on a sandwich. Yeah, exactly. Not on a sandwich. It's silly. So the bagel comes already fucking bursted. So it comes in a pool of It's like it actually comes

It's like the egg has just come it's yolk everywhere I open the thing and it's just fucking It's sitting in a pool of yolk So it's kind of like that sticky now Because it's a protein based liquid You know what I'm talking about And I start eating it And it's just a mess

It's one of those things where I'm like I all right, I'm going to commit to this. Five minutes, no looking at the phone. No. Right. I'm not going to wipe it. I'm just fucking doing this. So I do it. A dog in a bowl.

Right. And then I get done. I eat about half of it as I eat all meals. And I'm like, all right, done with this. Time to wash up. No napkins. No napkins. No napkins. No napkins.

So I rip the paper bag in half, wipe my face with a paper bag. Naturally. Wipe my hands with a paper bag. Yep. Throw that away. I was upset about that for most of the time. And then come home.

Guess what? No napkins. No napkins. And I got to fucking crack a lobster. Oh. So I'm covered in shit. Guess what I got to do again? Well.

I got to fucking. Rip open a bag. Rip open a bag. Clean my love covered in shit. Guess what I gotta do again? Well, I gotta fucking rip open a bag. Rip open a bag. Clean my lobster. Now, some might say getting delivery lobster in the shell

for you to de-shell, you're on your own and you're a despicable person and you deserve whatever fate you get. But, well, hang on.

Delivery lobster's just fine. Second, let's keep going all day today. Okay. Because here's the thing. When I get a lobster fucking spaghetti, or when I get a shrimp scampi, take the

shells off! That's a thing that's happening now in restaurants, where they're leaving the fucking tails on the shrimp. Why do you like that? I don't know. Same thing with lobster to me. They want to crack the claws and open it up. If I just get lobster, if I just get shrimp it up. Take it all out.

If I just get lobster, if I just get shrimp, fine. I don't care. But if it's in a pasta dish, de-shell it. How am I going to... I'm trying to slide my fucking knife up a shrimp's tail and then click it off. I would go as far to say that no matter what dish it's in, you should prepare it

for me to eat it. Yeah, I should be ready to eat. I don't want to de-feather my bird. Don't breathe to me alive and have to kill it. You're just doing half the work and charging me twice the price for fucking shellfish. It's insanity. It's absolutely insanity. But I tweeted that delivery places

think we haven't noticed that they stopped giving napkins. I noticed. I noticed a while ago. I don't want to hear about COVID. I don't want to hear about the supply chain. It's insane. They just don't do napkins. I noticed. I noticed a while ago. I don't want to hear about COVID. I don't want to hear about the supply chain. Yesterday was a- I want my fucking napkins. It's insane.

They just don't do napkins anymore. As a restaurant, as a delivery place of food, you deliver two things, basically. The food and then the cutlery and foodstuffs that go along with it. I want a couple salt and pepper packages. I want some ketchup if you're doing fries. If it's something where you eat with a knife and fork, you should have the little plastic things in and you should have the napkins.

If you're not providing that, you're supposed to... What if I'm eating this on a stoop? Right. You're ordering it to eat somewhere on the go, basically. I want the food and I want to be able to consume the food and you're doing half your job now. It's bullshit. And then people start getting mad at me

because I don't have napkins in my apartment. To that I say, I do usually have paper towels. I ran out of paper towels a couple weeks ago. I've not gotten new ones. But I think having napkins is insane. Why do you have napkins? Napkins? Yeah, who has napkins? I mean, women do that.

Be they cloth or paper towel or paper, cloth is insanity. Be they cloth or paper towel or paper. Cloth? Cloth's insanity. But if you're not having a dinner party, if you're not having people over for some meal, Thanksgiving, whatever. You have cloth at Thanksgiving and that's it. But I'm talking even regular napkins. If you're not having people over, there's no need for an adult to have regular napkins. We're talking like a stack of square napkins.

Yeah. Serviettes with the little doilies on them. What am I having? A cruditon? Nope, that's an overstory of the government. You're trying to say crudite? Crudite. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Crudita, you were close, right? It's spelled like crudite. Yeah. But it's crudite, crudite. Crudite, crudite. We are learned men. Yeah. I prefer to call it crudite.

Yeah, I mean. Come on. You want me to fold the napkin into that little triangle thing too? Like a little peak for you when you get up from your chair? Fucking no. Get the fuck out of here. I wipe my mouth with my face once too. I start at the forehead. Zamboni that shit.

I zamboni it. I'm not fucking. I get all the food off my forehead and off my chest I don't even catch it, I push it around to my shirt you know what I do appreciate and I don't know if there's anybody left who still does this but I feel like the Italians

did for a while, or at least the mobsters and the fat guys, the people who legitimately do the napkin in the shirt to do the safe the people who do the napkin in the shirt to do the, Ooh, safe, safe, safe, safe,

safe, safe, safe. Um, the people who do the napkin in the shirt are either in the movies or they like beat their wives. Those are guys who were still like, what do you tell a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told it twice, but that's a move right there to just be like, let's eat. Let's eat. Flex. I should do that because I'm such an animal.

If I'm eating, I'm getting food in my clothes. Like just eating like a doesn't matter. Like a big messy meal or like a big bowl of beans, maybe. Bowl of beans?

Sure, yeah. On my lap for sure. Did she is? Oh, yes, I did see that. I don't know if we were live on it. The most exclusive merch in the game straight from the Professional Lacrosse League or Premier Lacrosse League, PLL. PLL.

They did their April Fool's beans thing. That's a face knock. The Mets, this team is different, John. This team is different. Free car giveaway. Steven Matz you suck um the PLL

did a April Fool's prank where they made awesome baked beans merch I was like great prank this is dope

baked beans are fucking baked beans are fire maybe the most underrated food there are uh

let's do top 5 most underrated foods for today well today's Thursday so oh shit Tuesday okay

uh okay yeah mark that down um but not only did we just get this personalized Today's Thursday, so Tuesday. Oh, shit, it is. Okay. Okay, yeah. Mark that down. But not only did we just get this personalized, one of one Bean Girl, and also at the bottom, dropping bombs because Jackie takes big fat dumps. Jackie clogs the toilet with her poop.

Oh, God. That's a fact. So I don't know what we're going to do with this. We can either – I have an idea. I have an idea. You might like this, Jackie. You might hate this. I highly doubt it.

I highly doubt it. No, you're free to maybe make it what you want because I know what – but I know what I'm going to do. We're going to make Jackie's corner. And so like we're going to hang the You Are A Woman sign. We'll hang this. You can also hang whatever you want and have your own corner. We will continually hang things to make fun of you relentlessly. But you could fight back and be like,

I'm also hanging this nice picture of me or something. Yeah, it could be your high school locker. Yeah, exactly. So what do you think of that idea? Yeah, I just know that it's going to end up being more ways to make fun of me. Yeah, but also you could, you know, it could be cool. So, I said, we need you to autograph this. Jackie, I don't think knows how to write her name.

No. It was, do we have the thing? Like, I was trying to show, so, this was her first attempt her first attempt i said like i see that being an autograph no but but it wasn't her autograph she was she was like um i was like why did you do that trying to make an autograph yeah yeah and then she just did this one where she just started to write like j-a-c-K. I was like, just do your audit. Like write your signature. And she was like, I've never done that. What do you mean? You never signed your name?

Why would I have an autograph? Fucking Pabst. We're winning the fucking World Series, man. Look how fucking fat Slow Nito is. Let's go. Steven Matz is going to knock him out of this fucking game because your agent is a rat. Fuck. Can you tell that I let myself get invested can you tell that i finally gave my heart to to this team it's different this year and it's

terrifying i am like a girl who who has been uh uh in a bad in bad relationships let's just call it that and is like so uh um um what's the word with an r so reserved i'm just afraid to give my heart over you know and but like you know we're at the point in the movie where i was just like i'm gonna trust you don't break my heart and i'm just like and then we're fucking and married and shit and now there is a great, great chance, a 21.1% chance of just pure and utter heartbreak. Because every other year they've lost, minus 2015 when they were in the World Series, obviously, I never ever for one second really thought they had a true chance. I was like, hey, maybe we make the playoffs and something happens. Now I have really convinced myself this is a good team.

And I have not done that since I was at Barstool, except for that 2015 year. But even then, it was like we sucked in the beginning of the year. We just happened to get hot. This is like this team is going to be good. They're going to be there. And then when they lose, it's going to crush me. I think this is going to be the last one. It's like you give your heart away one more time.

Yes, yes. She's not the one. So you think I'm done? I'm never getting married. Yeah, yeah. I do believe, especially if they make. If she's not the one, then I'm never getting married. Yeah, yeah. I do believe, especially if they make some sort of move

at the deadline and I really think they're as good of a team as they can be, this is the best shot that they have. Before, I'm like 100 years old and I don't know

what I'll do when they break my heart on this one. This could crush me. This could, like a piece of me will die. There's a piece of me will die. There's a part of me

that like, well, it'll never be the same. This is kind of proving what I've always said about the difference in our teams and the difference

in our losses is that, I think what I've always said is that you were barren. I keep having miscarriages. So you knew. But you don't. You also have a family

of like seven. Yeah, but I still have a lot of miscarriages. you knew you but you don't you also have a family of like seven yeah but a lot of miscarriages no no that listen people those losses as you can as you're now explaining no those losses when you've bought in hurt more than just being like ah john when someone has a miscarriage you go like oh my god that's so sad when you find out they have seven kids you're like well you know come on great great bit, great bit that Sam Morrill has. I think it was during crowd work that he just posted on Instagram. But something came up about, oh, a dog.

It was like, who's having a really bad day? And this girl was like, you know, my friend over here, she had to put her dog down like a couple months ago or whatever. And he was like, oh, it's so sad. How are you doing now? And she's like, I'm fine. I got another dog. And he's like, that's funny how we do that right we just we get

upset and we just replace him he goes when people start telling you about kids and dogs are the same you never hear someone be like yeah we lost our son but we had another one but you have seven of them i have more than seven by the way i know what do you have like i've lost you have 12 like i mean you don't count like the celtics one doesn't count so that's only one and the brunes only have one but the sock yeah no no you know what no we don't need to do this we don't we don't need that that's six so that's eight yes you have you have four 12 12 god damn it's a lot um is there any way we can can clip that and put that out? Yeah, is that possible? Okay. No, no, no.

It's not worth it. Unless you want to go take a shit right now. Sure. You don't have to. You told me it was coming. I'll give it a try. All right. We can just get that out quick? Jackie is going to quit.

That was some real dad shit. We're like, do you need to poop? Back from a poop break. Food poisoning. For sure, dude. I don't know. I find your relationship with food poisoning so funny. The way he talks about it.

Like, oh, yep. No doubt. It's back. Food poisoning is something I think. It's an absolute no doubt. What do you think? I would say most people experience food poisoning four times in their life. Like.

Get the fuck out. it's not that low i think it might be dude come on like like true blue like i ate because most people don't eat like lobster from the oval you see the old lower i like i feel like this is just like you're disgusting no like i think people like like like like i think people kind of equate like food poisoning to like i'm on the floor of the bathroom yes i'm throwing up okay right clearly not that right not that but you are i'm not just i'm nauseous and um i'm i'm poisoned yeah i've been poisoned by food for sure johnny food poisoning vitalberg out here it's unreal um i'm very nauseous i cough i think i'm gonna puke i'm always i'm always kind of just i mean you are that's the state i live you're perpetually fighting back the puke.

It's just like at any moment you could just give in to the puke and go. Just like, okay, I'm vomiting. No doubt. But anyway, we'll get into Am I the Asshole in a little bit. We'll do our voicemails. We've also got Nikki Glaser on the show.

So while Feidelberg was off gallivanting around getting bruised and battered uh i feel like we've made that seem like a bigger deal than it is like i'm not in a movie or anything like that just to be clear no but kind of uh nikki came through nikki was like you know how nikki is like we just start going right and like then her publicist was like it's it's over and her publicist was like, it's over. And I was like, wait, what? It's over? So, I mean, tip of the iceberg of what we could have got into.

But she's coming back in July for another round of promo. She's just the new Kim Kardashian. Yeah, she's got, she's. They're replacing the Kardashians show with Nicki Glaser's reality show. Oh, she's right, for real. She literally is like the next Kim Kardashian on the E! Network. I mean, she was like, I hope so. But their new big reality

show is Nikki's life at home. So that's fucking baller. That's so sick. But we were talking about comics. She's on board with us with a lot of the comic bullshit and all the lies they tell and all the fucking... What do you mean? Just like the comic bullshit and all the lies they tell and all the fucking what do you mean just like the um just like the comics being more serious than they are oh yeah she was all about

that what i wanted to get to that i didn't get to she went on on cheeto santino's podcast and was like talking about her boyfriend kind of and she was like i just don't fuck other people she was like he's like a real sexual dude and like part of what i love was like how hot that was so i don't want that to go away and i think but not when he's kind of real sexual dude. And like part of what I love was like how hot that was. So I don't want that to go away. And I think when I, when he's kind of bullshit, so I still let him fuck like other people and he tells me about it. And it's like kind of hot. And I was like, this is fucking awesome.

I would not care for that. That is, that's not your, that's not for everybody. It's not, that's not for everybody. You get digged out. But, but, but would you be the guy in that situation? I probably wouldn't do that either. No, I think I would. I don't know.

I'd be like, I can tell you about it. But if it was in like a cuck way where it's like telling me about it because I think it's hot, I would be like, this is a trap. If you genuinely wanted that and thought it was hot, listen, everybody's got their kinks.

If I thought it was a trap though, I would be like, so then I kissed her on the cheek. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You dipped your toe in the water. Yeah, yeah. And we held hands. Wouldn't be like, I fucked her off.

Fucking gave her a face. She's pregnant. We're getting married. Yeah. She's's over there in the corner happy report though spoiler alert

but Nikki is coming again she has resumed coming so I said to her is that still going on she was like

oh no yeah that was one of your stupider ideas she said I just read the beginning of books and I never finish them whatever the beginning of the book says I do

remember when she had the sobriety book that she promoted every time every Instagram story she did it again she mentioned it again oh yeah now what I do think worked for I mean it did it work yeah the I told her I was like you should start a fucking show with my brother just called this book that I'm reading people who read books dude it wasn't but the documentary was the same way that's why I hate documentary yeah I really do the same way only there's more I hate documentary people. Documentary people are the same way, only there's more of them.

People don't really read books. No, no. Ever watch documentaries and like, did you hear about this is the most important thing that's ever happened? Yeah, shut the fuck up. I bet you don't fucking give a shit about it in a week. Yeah. Shut the fuck up and just watch a rerun of a fucking good show. Goddamn fucking losers. All you documentary fucking assholes are fucking losers.

Fucking losers. Particularly if you watch the Barstool documentary. We have a couple documentarians on staff right now. We have so many fucking documentaries. Yo, we make fucking poop jokes. Shut up. Stop taking yourself so seriously.

Hurry up. There's a clip from the latest Two Bears. Bert's like, yo, Tom, do you read? Tom's like, yeah. He's like, stupid. Thank you. He's like, fucking reading.

I don't think reading is stupid. Tom's like, what don't you like about it? And actually, Bert nailed it, at least what it is for me. He's like, you just sit there looking at it, not talking. I think that's my problem. When people read on the beach and stuff, I want to just like, let's hang out and talk and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't read on the beach.

I'll read alone. Alone, yeah. And very rarely. I'm still on page 25 of that 600-page book. We'll get there. How much better is Instagram than the Bible? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I disagree with that, by the way.

I think Instagram sucks if tiktok was around there were back when books were invented there would be no books dude i i think god that might be true if if people if tv somehow came first and and internet and stuff would books exist i i don't think so probably not because i mean you can look at it like what happened when podcasts got popular we stopped writing and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were modern-day book writers, I guess, because the book had been shortened and shortened and shortened to the point where you go, we're not doing books anymore. Everything you read was like, here's a book, and then it was like, put a paragraph. And then tweets came, and it's like, well, we'll read that.

Now we'll just say it out loud for two seconds, and that's it. But that's why I think Instagram's ruined. I think Instagram's terrible now. I think because it's all videos. I don't see pictures on it at all all anymore it's all fucking video clips and one out of three of them is from people i don't fucking follow yeah i'm getting a lot of because you interacted with this you get that but also sometimes there's some cool shit on there that i'm like wow i would never have found that so nah it's fucking garbage uh the uh

not garbage well actually should we go with i got two things here uh one we've talked about uh but we haven't talked about on the podcast um two is uh not garbage one is garbage two is not garbage which one you want to start with garbage we're garbage people garbage okay uh i cannot stop ruining small town america this is a fact. You are ruining every... You are the aliens in Independence Day, and you just go like locusts, and you land on a place, and you ruin it,

and you move to the next place, and you ruin it. Bro, it's crazy. We ruined Noonan. Noonan. Atlanta. Got hit by a fucking hurricane, right? And then a flood.

And a tornado. Like everything. So they're just getting the wrath of God. Rock Hill north carolina rock hill north carolina is now uh that was that was that was north carolina for people who don't want to live in north carolina that was that was uh that was south carolina no people it was rock it's rock hill south carolina it's for people who like charlotte but hate north carolina right because it was it was like a suburb of north charlotte right and what happened there and that was a – so what happened there was that part of the investment idea was that the new owner of the Carolina Panthers, because Jerry Richardson, I believe his name was, was forced to fire – forced to sell a team on account of racism. He, I think, allegedly, he, the guy he sold to

noticed the taxes in Rock Hill and was like, dude, that's where we're going to have our practice facilities. And so they were going to build a practice facility there, which then implied, really, that a lot of the players were going to move there because you go to the practice facility six times a week. You were going to all of a sudden be the home of the Panthers.

It was going to be the home of the Panthers. And then that influx of fucking money, all that stuff. Sure, sure, sure. They pulled out of that. They pulled out of that real quick. They pulled out of that till the other day. Now that Vidalberg was in the mix and they said, let's fucking ruin this. Yeah, they pulled out of that one.

A section from the story on that was, Lanning's neighborhood is right on the other side of some trees from the practice facility. The proximity of the facility could have raised property values in the area Lanning and his wife discussed potential offers They would have accepted But now he's thinking less about the price going up And more about the prices falling Now that this project has fallen flat

So uh Yeah It doesn't get more blunt than that He was thinking about the prices going up But now he was thinking about the prices going up, but now he's thinking about the prices going down. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. Now, have you made an investment, sucker dick? Now, have you made an investment? You ruined it.

You fucking, now, have you made an investment? You would have been better off lighting that money on fire in the backyard, you stupid fat fuck with a fat face. You are the opposite of good luck Chuck, where, you know, it's like you come right before like the good news. Like you're, you're the Grim Reaper. Yeah.

I like to think of myself as not the Grim Reaper, but the, the, maybe the anti-Midas. Yeah. We're like things I touch, be they lives or homes fall apart, fall apart,

fall apart pretty quickly. I mean, that's pretty much Grim Reaper. No, because they die. They don't, these people don't die. I touch, be they lives or homes, fall apart. Fall apart. Fall apart pretty quickly. I mean, that's pretty much Grim Reaper. No, because they die. These people don't die. I mean, Rock Hill's dead. Rock Hill's not dead. I still have hope that maybe the Panthers fucking smarten up. Fucking smarten up, come back to Rock Hill.

Because it's South Carolina for people who hate Charlotte. No, North Carolina. North Carolina for people who hate Charlotte. Who like Charlotte. It doesn North Carolina. North Carolina for people who hate Charlotte. Like Charlotte. It doesn't matter. It's dead. Like Charlotte, hate North Carolina, come to Rock Hill. And it makes a lot of sense because it's not even the North Carolina Panthers.

It's the Carolina Panthers. Right, that's true. It's just all the Carolina. If you really want to have your name be the Carolina Panthers, practice facility, South Carolina. Game, North Carolina. That is a good pitch. That is a good pitch. That is a good pitch that they're not

going to do. Here is my fucking statement to the Carolina Panthers. If you don't come back to Rock Hill, change your fucking name to the North Carolina Panthers or the Charlotte Panthers. You're fucking done with the Carolinas. The Carolinas, a place I own land, we're done with you. They did just kind of

like change the... Nobody says Carolina, right? No. It would be like if someone was like the Dakota Bears or something. No, pick an upper or down. Pick high Dakota or low Dakota. You want it both ways, but you won't give it to the South Carolinians. South Carolinians.

Your people. Fucking my people. I'm one of them. Second thing is. So wait, that was the garbage thing. Now we need the non-garbage thing. Yeah. So this is actually kind of like a testament to us and how business.

So you left Friday. You have children and shit. So you left Nashville on Friday. I stayed. And I went to Shane's show Friday night. It was at 7. I went down to Broadway for a little bit. And then came home probably around 2.

And then was kind of like, I was going to nap. And I was like, I'll get up groggy and shit like that. So maybe this is a little closer to 3 or 4. And I was like, fuck it. I got to keep moving. Otherwise, I'll get tired and fall asleep. I mean, I probably only had three beers. But three beers in the sun guess what you're done i'm out um so i was like i'll i'll go across the street because because because we had no alcohol in the house which is that's the testament to us wait you mean across the street to to deja vu

to the strip club we were across the street the two To Deja Vu. To the strip club. We were across the street. We were across the street from every strip club. Two testaments to us. One, we just didn't have beers in the house. Yeah. So, like, that's, which also is funny, congratulate ourselves on a fucking two men in their mid-30s treating a business trip like a business trip.

We didn't have any beers, but we had a shit ton of Whistlepiggy. But that was in the other house. Yeah, that's true. Occasionally, we drank something. But even in there, we behaved pretty well.

Yeah. And then we also never went to any of the strip clubs around us. But Friday around, I'm losing track of time, but it was like 4 o'clock, say. Right? And by the time I,

I probably got home around 2.30, by 4 o'clock, I was like, I gotta get to the club. Either way, you're doing the afternoon squad afternoon squad right so i i went into byob spot big signs of byob so i'm like they gotta have beers there though like you can bring your own beers but you gotta have they probably have beers too so i go in pay the cover fucking walk in i mean i don't think it was open yet it was i don't think it was open yet I don't think it was open people were like mopping the floor

it wasn't a soul I could see you walk in immediately at Deja Vu you could see two stages no one on either stage no one sitting down anywhere no bartender

no nothing so I go back out I ask the guy hey is there you guys do you guys sell beers here he's like nah man BYOB

I was like okay well I'm only here. I'm not here for the fucking hooch. I am here for the hooch, not the real hooch, not that hooch. So I was like, all right, well, I'll fuck it. I was not going to do this. So I went looking for a bar.

Only bar around. Play. Remember seeing play? Yeah. Yeah. It was like the club. Yeah, it's a gay club. For the boys. Yeah. Went into the club. Yeah, it's a gay club. For the boys.

Yeah, club for the boys. Went into the gay club, also closed, but also a door open. So now I'm like, I'm in the middle of play, which like is just fucking. It's like one of those like warehouse clubs. Yeah. Big. Just huge emptiness. Yeah.

And I was kind of stood there at the door. Absolutely, she was not open. But it was. It was physically open. It was not business wise open. No. I stood in the door for like absolutely was not open. But it was. It was physically open. It was not business-wise open. No. I stood in the door for like, I don't know, three minutes. Just kind of like waiting for someone to come out.

I don't know, suck my dick. I was going to say, someone stood there being like, some straight piece of shit's lost. Yeah. And I was just like, okay. Finally, I was like, fuck it. So I walk out. And then I was like, oh, yeah, there's that liquor store right here. So there was that liquor store. I forget what it was called. I was like, oh, yeah, there's that liquor store right here. So there was that liquor store.

I forget what it was called. I go walk to the liquor store, get a six-pack of beer. I was like, fuck it. I'll go back to the strip club. So I go to the strip club, and I sit down. Not open still, but now there are – I mean, it's open, but there's just no one dancing. Right. Now a stripper comes up to me.

There's like – Is music on? Good question. Like elevator music, not stripper comes up to me. There's like... Is music on? Good question. Like elevator music, not stripper music? It wasn't rocking. That's for sure. I don't really recall. But so I get cash out of the ATM.

And then a stripper, like, I swear to God, she popped up out of the trash like Oscar. She's like, Dusty, you want to go right to the VIP room? She's in a sweatshirt, by the way. I was like, oh, no, no. I was just going to hang out, watch some dance, have a beer. She's like, all right, honey. And then walked out a door that I didn't know was there. She probably was thinking, I can suck this guy's dick real quick,

get a bunch of money before I even have to start dancing. He's clearly desperate. Let's just get this over with. So then I go into the main room. Actually, I'm sorry. So in the room where the ATM was, there's a stage, and then there's a screen. And her name was like Charlie or something like that, C-H-A-R-L-I,

something like that. Yeah, of course. And it was kind of like Charlie's coming to the stage in two minutes. I sit down, pop a beer. Drink the beer. Kind of just lose track of time Finish the beer Look up

The clock was counting down Charlie's back to 2 minutes 17 seconds And I was like what the fuck is going on here So I grab my beers Head back down to the main room It's like 3 steps down Now there's like six strippers in there but they're all sitting on the chairs

no one's on the stage so I kind of sit down very reservedly like what's happening here and one girl just comes up to me she says had a baby six months ago can you tell and I was like now that you mention it yes

wouldn't lead with that I didn't think so and she sits down that. Yeah, I was like, hmm, I didn't think so. And she sits down at my table, and I was like, what's happening right now? When am I in? And she's like, well, honey, we don't really start dancing until about 7. And they're all in their underwear. They're all, like, ready. They're there, but they're not doing it.

It's like fucking showing up. Well, yeah, why would they go on stage and start doing all the tricks for just you? It's like 4 o'clock, but,clock. Why are you all in your underwear? It's like showing up to a fucking baseball game at 3 p.m. Put on your uniform. Just sit in there. You're super duper early. When your uniform is fucking kind of awesome.

Uncomfortable. You know you like wearing women's underwear. Yeah. They probably do, too. Time or two. They probably do, too. Time or two. They probably do, too. But she then asks me, honey, what are you doing tomorrow? And I said, I'm actually leaving tomorrow.

I'm leaving at 11 a.m. tomorrow. I have a flight out. She goes, that's a shame. I said, what are you doing tomorrow? She said, well, tomorrow, here at the Deja Vu, we're having the cutest butthole contest. And I came close to changing my mind. I can't believe you didn't go. I've never heard of such a thing.

And she said, and I do, I must admit to you, I will not be participating in the cutest butthole contest. Oh, because you got a shitty butthole? What happened to her recently was she was performing, and she had a butt plug in. One of them light-up ones. Oh, so this place is like hardcore. Yeah, yeah. This place is like grimy. This is not just like shake your tits.

This is like let me pop butt plugs out. She's like, I had one of them light-up butt plugs, which I do not know of. I don't know about the light-up butt plugs. I had one of them light-up butt plugs in and one of them vibrating butt plugs, and I lost the remote. And for a half hour, it took a half hour for security to find it. And she's like, and he was. What does that mean? The customer had it, and he was ramping it up.

Why wouldn't you take it out? Dude. Why wouldn't you take it out? I'm going to be honest. I don't believe the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was like, I don't believe it because security wouldn't find it. Yeah, yeah.

It wasn't like using a clicker where something's fucking in the way of the TV. Boop, boop, boop, boop. You're like, no, no, no, no, no. You'd keep it in your pocket pocket and you'd just hit shit. Like, no one would ever fucking find it. Right. But she was like,

and she's like, and I just have, I've had the sorest butthole for months. Oh my God. And then, and then, yeah,

it came to me that like, maybe that has to do with the fucking baby you birthed rather than, they come out of your butt. And, yeah. It all gets ripped up.

We know that, man. Like, it might not have to do anything with the butt plug you put in a few months ago. It might have to do with the baby that came out. It's not what's going in. It's what's coming out. Jesus Christ.

But I mean, cutest butthole. What happens at a cutest butthole contest? I can take some guesses. I'm sure cheeks get spread. I bet they do. I'm sure there's some spreading and some winking. Does the customer get to go up and look? I'm sure there's a spreading and some winking. Does the customer get to go up and look? I'm sure there's a panel.

There's a panel. I feel like she might have mentioned something like that. I think there's a panel of all-star guests. Meaning like, you know, this is Tony. He comes. I want to say exactly what she said. It was cutest or prettiest butthole. Can we Google this?

Cutest butthole contest. Cutest butthole in Carolina. No. In Nashville. Deja Vu. And we'll see if there's, you know, they might not go on the record with these things. Yeah. Because it's not really supposed to be what you're doing, I don't think.

But just fucking, I don't know. There's got to be like people just sitting there and then maybe they do a dance and. Yeah, we got something? Yeah. You got a mic? Because I'm telling it's a mic club deja vu in nashville tennessee be having this prettiest butthole competition and i don't even know how to take that like the grand price is 500 bucks so I could see why people are all about it, but out of all the other shit you can have a competition for, you mean to tell me people really want to see buttholes? Uh, yeah.

Who's the judge? Mm-hmm. Who says you have to- Oh, it's every Saturday night. Oh, so it's- okay. Okay, now this changes everything. A, like, once a every Saturday night. Oh, so, okay. Now this changes everything. Like once a year? Bro, what's this fucking dude about?

This guy, what are you, fucking pussy? What everybody wants. You want to see some fucking buttholes? What everybody wants to see. Is a butthole. Is that asshole. What are you talking about, Chulo? Yeah, like, I mean, like.

That's his name, by the way. Who wants to say that? That was his. That was not a. That was his. Put that in the YouTube. I think. Saturday night, keep your butthole tight.

That's right. This is an event in Nashville. Shout out to Nashville for throwing the prettiest butthole competition. Apparently, it's a big deal. Nashville sent me this. I can't believe you didn't lead with this, John. I was going to. We just got

stuff out of the way. I mean, this is great business acumen right here. What does everybody want to see? Butthole. What do they watch porn for? Butthole. What the people but they have like tits are old news cheeks are all right but it's in between that people want and so give them what they fucking want now the problem here though the reason i'm out on this i thought it was like a once a year thing where it was a massive

event where and like people flying in yeah like no face girls coming in there taking home the crown every saturday means every fucking every chick with an asshole just comes by and spreads them hoping that she wins 500 bucks yeah yeah so you're gonna see a bunch of ugly sick this week and i i fucking take the crown always a bridesmaid never the bride wow you uh this this was a good old-fashioned adolescent data lesson because while you were at the strip club contemplating moving your flights to see the prettiest butthole contest the reason i went home was for t-ball and i am now i think the coach of the team shut up at least for this week so So I show up. I got home early for Friday night.

It was Friday night practice, Saturday morning game. Keegan's four. This is like really, really early. But I know how Keegan operates. And if he doesn't like something or gets discouraged in the beginning, he's out on it. So I wanted to make sure. A man of my own heart.

So I go to practice. And I can tell. I don't know what I expected. I knew we were going to play baseball, right? But the other dad, who was a coach, is kind of like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here either. He's just a good enough guy to volunteer for it. So I kind of step up with him being like, he was like, what do we fucking do? So I'm like, I don't know.

I'll go throw him grounders. You go hit off the t with them we just start like making up shit you know but he then quickly is like i'm not gonna be here next week so and i and it was like it was like puffy that the clip of puff and that guy staring at each other he's like i'm not gonna be here next week i was like cool story what does that mean damn that's crazy so yeah yeah and then i'm like all right there's other dads there but they weren't like as so yeah yeah and then i'm like all right there's other dads there but they weren't like as involved as i was so i'm like all right i'll do it and uh at the end of that game comes by fucking huge bag boom here you go here's the helmets and the tees and all the shit i'm like oh. Like, what have I done?

And he will be back, like, the next week, I hope. I could see him being like, you good, man? I'll go. Do a couple more weeks without me. Because it is an absolute shit show. It is just. Baseball. You know why baseball's dead and why kids don't want to be involved in it or watch it?

Because it's stupid. It's so dumb. Keegan's looking at me like what are we doing you know like like being in the field in t-ball but the ball doesn't get hit to you you're just like standing around yeah yeah it's like that's not fun at all so you get to hit a ball like twice and then you're done a couple hours yeah it's crazy how long does it take um it was like an hour and 15, but they were like, practice for the first half,

and then we'll play a game, which is just you go through the batting, like two innings basically. You go through the order of 10 kids twice. But I'm like, tomorrow or this week when I'm coaching, I'm going to tell the guy, we're playing first. Because by the end, when it was time to play, the kids were bored.

They were like, I don't want to do this anymore. Let's get the game out of the way, and then we can fuck around and do whatever. But there's this kid. He shows up in baseball pants, batting glove, hat, helmet, cleats. He's got to be like a year older or right on the birthday cusp or whatever, and he rakes, dude. he's got to be like six playing in the four-year-olds division because he's up there he's like

bam he's got a fucking shot yeah and then he also gets every single ball that's hit he runs around the field grabs it and runs the first base or sometimes someone's like playing first and he picks them up and fires at the first base, hitting them in the chest and shit. Get the fuck out of here. I really think some parents must have, because there was one kid who was too young. One of the dads openly told me,

his mom lied about his age to get him into this. And so he's young, and there's a kid I think who's old. That's a big fucking gap. And so all these kids are, they end up not playing the field. They don't play positions. They end up just a horde of kids running where the ball goes. But so a lot of kids, some of them like literally like, and the ball just falls off the tee.

So they get like closer and closer and closer. A lot of them are playing like right by the pitcher's mound, and they're almost like running up for a bunt. But then this kid gets up, and I'm like, back up, back up. You're going to catch a ball in the teeth, kids! I was like, it was the other team because the kids on my team, I was like, you better tell your kids

to back the fuck up. Someone's going to lose a fucking mouthful. They're going to be spitting chiclets, dude, on T-ball. Dude, I forget growing up with those years, not quite T-ball, but how often someone lost teeth. Because we played on rocks.

Bloody knees and everything. If you weren't losing teeth, you were just getting cut up. That's probably why. I was weird. I think if you were good and you weren't a shortstop, it was weird. I was good and I was a center fielder

at a very young age. I was just watching friends go down like we were storming the beach in Normandy. I'm going back here. Buddies putting teeth through their lower lips. I'm like, I'm going to play the fucking outfield there. It's fucking insane. You guys keep getting hit in the face with baseballs. I was like, I watched Ken Griffey.

He makes diving plays. That's cool. I'll fucking hang out here. I'll take a beat before I go get a ball. I'll dive. The watched Ken Griffey. He makes diving plays. That's cool. I'll fucking hang out here. I'll take a beat before I go get a ball. I'll dive. The ladies will love it. And I'll keep all my fucking teeth in my mouth. Dude, was there anything better as a kid if you ever got the backup treatment?

That is like, that is the ultimate sign of respect. Kids stepping up to the plate and the coaches and the parents. Back up, back up. You got kids playing like their back is touching the fence. That is like, yeah, that's right, bitch. I'm too old. I should be in the higher league. So, yeah, I'm now a –

My mom forged my birth certificate. But I'm now a T-ball coach. Add that to the resume. Yeah, that's pretty good. By day – For a day. By day, talking about the prettiest butthole contest by other day t-ball coach yeah but molding my young minds

you might have to cut that uh all right let's do emma the asshole huh emma the asshole is brought to you by 3chi forget about a dispensary forget about if it's legal forget about uh how many you know uh your prescription or how you're gonna get it uh you got your hookup your plug your delivery service just get it ordered directly from the internet at 3chi.com where you can get all the thc you need what they have is delta 8 which is uh just a thc extract where you can smoke it in a vape form. You can eat it in a gummy form. This guy DM me. He's like, yo, is 3C real?

That's the question I get the most because some people think that it's just kind of like CBD, and it's not. It's THC. It's psychoactive. It's like the drug marijuana. And he goes, is Delta 8 for real? I said, yes, sir, it is. And he goes, oh, okay, well, I just ate three of them. And I said, buckle up.

And I heard from him like 36 hours later, and he was like, well, that was crazy. Start with a quarter. Start with a quarter. And they recommend a half a gummy, and that is enough right there. You can do a quarter. Their peanut butter infused chocolates had half when we were in Nashville. Three Chi Day was a three Chi Day for me. I thought about my entire life.

It was fantastic. It's good. You've got to listen to the directions, but that means you buy a cookie, you buy a bag of gummies, you buy whatever. It's going to last you. It's going to go a long way. So get your three Chi at 3chi.com. That's the number 3, C-H-I.com.

Use promo code STOOL5, and you get 5% off plus a free sticker. And you've got to be 21 or older, of course, to enjoy. But get the edibles, get the babes, get the tinctures, get the pastries, all at 3chi.com, promo code STOOL5. Let's talk about some good old-fashioned mansplaining. Oh, very nice. Am I the asshole for mansplaining how to split rent to my wife? Now, I'm going to go ahead and say that if you need any explanation

on how to split something, you're probably an idiot who needs to be mansplained to like explained by a man we'll hear it out but i think this is going to be a case of you're dumb and you needed something explained by a man not mansplaining i know he leads off with i know i'm right but i need someone to tell me that because it's really hard for me to believe that anyone would have a problem with this now i'm like i don't know that's something an asshole would say. My wife and I have no kids, but both work. I make about twice what she does now, but previously she was being paid less, so I was making more than twice her.

Follow? We keep our finances separate. Because it's just us two, our household expenses are low, and I out-earned my wife significantly, so I told her she can pick up the tab on eating out and stuff here and there, and I'll cover the rent and household expenses are low and I out earned my wife significantly. So I told her she can pick up the tab on eating out and stuff here and there, and I'll cover the rent and household expenses. Hence we never really needed to exchange money. However, since my wife got a raise,

we've decided to move to a little fancier and more expensive place. And I asked her if she would be willing to split the rent and household expenses two to one with me. She said, sure. We signed a two, a 12 month lease. And I told her I'll pay rent for two months, and she'll pay every third month, and that'll be a two to one split. That's where the trouble began.

She wants to transfer one third rent every month to me. I don't have a problem with this in principle, but I wanted to know why she'd want to do a transfer every month when it was just simpler for her to pay every three months. That's four payments instead of 12. She told me, and I'm still in disbelief, that she'd pay more that way because she'd be willing to pay the full rent. I told her no because she's paying it every three months.

She simply did not believe me. I asked her no because she's paying it every three months. She simply did not believe me. I asked her if her account would overdraft or some other balance issue that would make her pay fees. She said no. So I grabbed Monopoly money and I said our rent is three dollars. I will pay two every month from my stack and you pay one. Then I will pay for two months total and you will pay for one month total. She counted out how much we paid in the end. She finally understood. Then she got mad at me for mansplaining basic math with monopoly money to her. I nearly choked and told her,

explaining third grade math to an adult is not mansplaining. It's a failure of our education system. I love this guy. I mean. I like this. Yeah, I like this guy. Yeah, no, this is like your girlfriend is dumb in this moment, at least was. Well, let's not go dumb.

No, no, yeah, yeah. Because that is convoluted. I gave a couple faces at the camera. Yeah, no, so did I. I think it's much easier to just be like, how much is the rent this month? I pay two parts. You pay one part. And we all pay every month.

Yeah. But to break it up, like I pay. So I think he was basically saying, like, I'll pay January, February, you pay March. Like that. Which is just a weird way to pay rent. I get what she was saying, let's just pay every month. But also, he was basically saying, it all comes out in the wash. Yeah.

This is what I mean, though. He's the asshole. He made it way more complicated than it used to be. It's unnecessarily confusing. Absolutely. So I was going to say, this guy's an asshole. He made it way more complicated than it used to be. It's unnecessarily confusing. Absolutely. So I was going to say, this guy's an asshole for reinventing paying rent. Right, right. People pay every month.

We split it. It's not always a perfect split. People pay different levels. I have a bigger bedroom. I have a cat or a roommate or I make more money, whatever. So I'll pay $1,500. You pay $1,000. And we just do that every month.

That's how you split rent. You don't do the I pay $2,000, you pay $1,000, and we just do that every month. That's how you split rent. You don't do the I pay $2, you pay $1, and by the end of the year, we've all paid $2 to $1. That's not a thing. But what she should have said was, that's a fucking stupid way to split rent. We're not doing that. What she said was, it's a difference in money, and it's not. I'd have to do the math i don't know that it isn't but but so he did the you know he did it like got out the fucking monopoly money

here you go three two one and i i would be like i'd be like let's see let's show your work i am telling you yeah i'm saying right now i'm taking his word for it because i'm like still like i need to know the numbers i need to see yeah i'm not getting the concept like if you show me the money i would understand it but that's what he so i get that paying every every three months is one out of three which is a third but then but he was paying two to one now so this is that is where it gets all weird do i but if he if he explained with the money i i am also a failure of the education system so So I, but okay. But then, so this,

this is, this, this begs the eternal question is explaining something that is a little bit embarrassing to a girl when you're a man, that's not mansplaining. No, mansplaining. There are mansplainers,

but I think, I also think that, I think that has been in the fucking zeitgeist. Zeitgeist. Yes, exactly the word I was looking for. Thanks for mansplaining that to me. But the, I think it's been in the zeitgeist for long enough that it is now more of a joke than

someone seriously getting mad about. I hope so. I think people are more like, oh, are you mansplaining that? Rather than like because to mansplain, I feel like you have to interrupt someone and be like, hey, sweetheart, like this is is how i call you i think you gotta have a sweetheart in there yeah toots a sweetheart a babe and you're explaining this is how like you're explaining a car that is typically male oh so in sports you know this is baseball yeah yeah run around the bases this is the carburetor of the car that and it's girls who are like yeah man i fucking know

but if someone is saying to you if someone is wrong about a thing and you are proving to them why you're right i'm sorry we're different sexes it's just we're just having an argument i would have done that to a guy i would have been like are you kidding me let's fucking count the money yeah no you fucking this is how numbers work all right right and and you wouldn't say to me mansplaining like i think it's i think it's when girls specifically girlfriends get embarrassed about something that their boyfriend has said to them yeah and and that's the and there are certainly mansplainers but i don't think you can claim it every single time somebody's like

i i don't think people do anymore i think it's a rarity i think it's this girl did it right fucking here rarity yeah but the uh i i think there was a time when everything was mansplaining there was a time when everything was man blank man became a mansplain this to you yeah yeah yeah uh like trite cliche no overused fucking prefix yeah yeah which actually might literally be but it was like everything was man something we talked about this

man spread mansplain there was a time when man spreading was the literal number one issue in America it was

that men sat on the subway what a time what a time to be alive that was when we had no problems and we were just looking for shit to be mad about

people who are bigger people who have testicles on their legs they they sit wider. Yeah, it's so fat. That was, they take up more room. Congratulations, your goddamn pussy is smaller than my dick and balls. It was, it was the number one issue in America. And now we have other issues.

But I think that at that time in America, that was a big, like, mansplaining. Now it's like, I think people are more silly about it now than they are. But there are still few and they can suck a dick. I was going to say, they can suck my man dick. You know what the real issue is? It's not mansplaining what we need to have a word for. And this goes both ways. When people are are in relationships they are mean to each other they are rude to each other people in poisonous relationships yeah yeah i should say in unhealthy relationships people are like i am going to um

like i could explain this to you in a nice way, but because of that fight we had all week or because things have been festering, I'm going to be like, are you fucking kidding me? You don't understand this? Like, treat, honestly, this sounds crazy, but it's like, treat your significant other like you treat your friends.

Because I would never go up to a friend of mine and just be like... I mean, I guess I would if we were busting balls. But if you seriously didn't understand something, I'd kind of be like, let me show you. I don't want to embarrass you. You know what I mean? Oh, I don't think I'd do that. You wouldn't do that? I think that's my issue. I treat significant others

too much like a friend. I'm like, what are you, a fucking idiot? Oh, well... Okay, then I guess i guess yeah you're right because your closest friends the people you're asking still you're right you need to treat it like an acquaintance like someone that you don't know that well treat your treat your lover like someone you don't really know because you need uh you need to like not be fucking rude to them dude i was watching um curb Curb this morning, and it was the episode when Larry is stuck in the ski lift

with the Orthodox Jewish girl. Fucking, the team's not different, Pabs. They're not different. And she has to, she has to, they get stuck on a ski lift. And she has to, she can't be with a man after sundown, because she's Orthodox Jew.

And she's like, one of us are going to have to jump off. And then he's like, he doesn't even acknowledge her. He keeps eating his fucking edible underwear because he was starving and he had it in his pocket. And he's offering it to her. And she's like, no, get away from me. And she's like, one of us. She's like, you have to jump off. You have to jump off now.

See if you can find this scene. Because the way he says it with he says it with such perfect disdain where he looks he goes what are you fucking nuts like that's how i say that's how i talk to friends and i'm like yeah yeah yeah what are you a fucking idiot yeah are you the dumbest person i've ever talked to how about how was our relationship going on this long and i didn't realize that's like your best friends right you're right you are so stupid it's astounding that i ever even associate with you even at all yeah no that that what it needs to be is like we've been dating for years i'm going to treat you like a co-worker that

i don't want to embarrass in front of other people but you don't you treat them like you know someone who's in your life a lot and then people's feelings get end up getting hurt because you're like you're dumb you're being fucking stupid let me tell you why and if i'm a lot and then people's feelings end up getting hurt because you're like, you're dumb. You're being fucking stupid. Let me tell you why. And if I'm a man and I'm telling that to you, I'm sorry. I don't know what to fucking tell you. What are you, fucking nuts? His face is so...

I was in tears this morning. What are you, fucking nuts? ears this morning. What? What? What are you fucking fucking doing? I'm not going to not do it. I'll just chew it. That is amazing. What are you

fucking doing? Mouthful animal underwear. What are you fucking doing? It's so good. It's so good. I was laughing

eating my lobster spaghetti this morning alright so like you're not mansplaining but you're probably kind of a condescending dick how about that that's the difference

there's a difference between condescending dick and mansplain I just cannot believe that they're letting Carrasco pitch continue to pitch it's fucking insane.

Um, okay. Oh, fucking Christ. All right. We're, we're punting on this game. Um,

am I the asshole for laughing at my grandpa after he told me to cover up my feet? So this one's fairly recent and he's still mad at me. So I decided to, okay. This morning, my grandparents informed me that some people would be coming over to set up my feet. So this one's fairly recent and he's still mad at me so I decided to... Okay. This morning, my grandparents informed me that some people

would be coming over to set up a new bed. Okay. Since I wasn't needed, I just sat on the sofa and minded my business. I asked if I should help but I wasn't needed.

For context, I was wearing a normal t-shirt and some leggings but no socks. However, during my visit, my grandfather kept furiously pointing upstairs.

Apparently he didn't want to tell me what I needed to do, but expected me to magically know after looking at everyone wearing masks. I assume he wanted me to wear one. I was pretty far away from everyone, so I didn't think it was necessary. So after I got up and put one on me, he seemed even more furious. I kept asking him what he wanted me to do, but he refused to speak. After the guy and the girl finished building the new bed and left we sat down and talked about the new bed what happened etc that's when he mentioned being confused at what he wanted me to do he promptly told me that it was vulgar for me to display my feet the way that i did faced with the absurdity of the situation i laughed imagining how the two builders would say oh my god look at how hot this girl is because of her feet

my grandmother then joined in laughing with this girl is because of her feet. My grandmother then joined in laughing with me about my seductive feet and the power to make any man horny. My grandfather, however, exploded, saying that it was indecent and disrespectful to be at home without socks in front of strange men. He's currently still mad at me for showing my glorious feet in front of strangers. Okay. I don't know how to break it to this chick. But her grandfather has a foot thing.

Her grandfather has a foot fetish. That's one of those projections where you think everyone's lying. He knows. You're the one lying. He knows. Everyone here is just rock hard. All these male laborers in here are fucking hard as shit. You're a pretty little toes granddaughter.

That guy just went to the bathroom, he went to the bathroom and pulled a fucking cock. Because you can't stop thinking about your fucking toes. That's right. I mean, that is exactly what's going on here. I mean, or you can... Your grandfather has fucking... When he can't fall asleep at night, he counts your toes. That's what he does.

He closes his eyes and counts toes. One, two, three. Little fucking biggies going to market. Your grandfather's a pervert. Well, okay. Now, is your grandfather a pervert? Yeah, because he's a pervert because he tried to do his granddaughter's feet. Is there a chance, though, that he's a pervert and he's kind of like, listen, I'm a pervert

and I know perverts. And these are two bed builders. Classic foot fetish, guys. If you know anything about a bed builder. You know how people have gaydar or they have... Sometimes I feel like people know whether they're swingers or threesome type people. Where it's just like you kind of know. Yeah, you're born with it.

Yeah, and people can be at the bar and they'll be like they'll be like oh you know that guy's gay and it's like what it's like he was giving me the eyes like i could tell right away you know uh maybe there's that for feet he just and maybe he's just like that i remember that yeah it's just something at the meetings yeah yeah yeah yeah these are these are all feet whatever you're doing you're about to hurt somebody in here. Oh, for sure. So maybe he's just protecting his granddaughter. No, no, no.

He's coming to his granddaughter is what he's doing. But he's also, I mean, he's from a time when, like, showing ankles was hot. So maybe that's, like, any old man who's a foot pervert, he gets a pass to, like, a racist, too. Yeah, it's like he's back in that day. So you're from a different time. You never saw those things. You saw an ankle, you got turned on. You see a foot, god damn. Could also be an ethnic thing.

Like if they're from the Middle East or some shit, maybe this really is a big deal. Oh, because you're saying you're supposed to be covered up head to toe. Also, I would guess if the leggings are good that they're not really devout Muslims. You're right. But here's the thing. I gotta see the feet. Yeah. You gotta see the feet. Also I would guess if the leggings are good That they're not really devout Muslims But here's the thing

I gotta see the feet I gotta see the feet to make a decision What if this chick has very Hey toots I'll take a look at you toots What if she's got these dogs that are just fuckable Well that's why feet are funny too Because feet can be offensive Not offensive

But you should be hiding your feet uh you should never you get what I'm saying uh the if they're too pretty

or if they're too fucking disgusting disgusting either way cause feet are fucking in there look I've seen a foot gone that's a fucking hot foot alright

not a regular thing not every foot but I've seen whoa that's a pretty foot right there you show me a a good foot and a nice high heel I'm like yeah that's a pretty foot right there. You show me a good foot and a nice high heel, I'm like, oh.

Yeah, that's a pretty foot. I think it's what? A little chubbed up. These are fucking nasty feet by day, too. Seen some dogs in my time. I'm saying, how do you go outside? And it's not something I do with hands, with like manicures and pedicures. I'm sorry, with manicures.

I've seen bad pedicures where I'm like, how the fuck are you not sprinting to the salon right now? How dare you come to me with that foot today? I think John has a foot fetish. No, no. I'm offended by them sometimes because I feel it's disrespectful to me. When you come to my bed. You're saying

come so many times right now? When you show up at my bed with fucking chipped fucking bed, like you didn't even fucking, what is that, dude? You didn't even try. What is that, dude? Show some respect.

Like I fucking took a shower for this. What are you fucking nuts? Well, we were in Nashville and Jackie was going to sell her feet for like an astoundingly low number. You sold your feet for $800? For a bunch of... Who did you sell them to?

Actually, I'm glad we're getting into this because we didn't really get too into it. I was told it was to a famous DJ? No, that was Zach. Oh, Zach sold them to a famous DJ. Zach, yeah. I don't know. Zach sold his feet to a famous DJ. Zach, yeah. I don't know. Zach sold his feet to a famous DJ?

I bet Zach's feet are fucking gross. Yeah, definitely. Those things are gross. Skinny little fucking things. They're pale. He's got pig hooves at best. Yeah. He's definitely got pale feet that he paints like black toenails.

It's just gross. How much did he get? I don't know. Zach, he just sent them for a dick pic. Oh! And he's saying famous DJ. He sent his feet to this famous DJ that he will not name.

If this DJ has anything under 50K, he's not a famous DJ. Oh, he's under $50,000? He won't tell us who it is, as if we would know who it is. But he got a dick pic back from the DJ. That's what it was an exchange for. So it was four footpics.

Feet for dogs. Feet for dick. Feet for dick. Feet for dick here. Get your feet for dick here. That's the going rate for a dick pic is four footpics. Good to know. That's where the market's at.

It's also like he, I think he did it first. He just sent this guy. Yeah, that's what it was. So he just comes out of the gate. Here's my feet. And the guy's like, here's my dick. I don't know, but I think something along those lines. And then you get in the game?

Mine was just, this was just sophomore year of college. It was kind of bad. And some guy offered. I don't think I knew that. We found out after we got off stage. Right, right. Okay, yeah, yeah. Sophomore year of school is different.

Now you should be selling like 800 a toe. Yeah. No, no. I mean, I'm not going to do that. Well, actually. I genuinely 100% really mean it. I talk a big game about like if I was a chick, I'd do this, I'd do that. I would absolutely sell my feet.

No, it's actually, yeah. I actually genuinely like I cannot afford rent. Like I'm not going to be able to afford rent and I have to it's either that or wag walking dogs or something like that

but I have to figure out another source of income. So I don't know. If you become a dog walker I think I really do. This is way more demoralizing. This is entrapment that her telling us

is on air. I know. I know. Here's your fucking money. I think it is. You can't become a dog walker. If you want to sell feet pics. It is way more demoralizing to be one of those schmucks who's got 50 dogs on a leash and they're getting all turned around.

No, but I like going on walks. You're picking up seven dogs worth of shit. I like going on walks. I would just get paid for it. Yeah. You know what is easier? I on walks. I just get paid for it. You know what is easier? I have two feet and I get paid for it. Yeah, exactly. This is like an official thing.

If you want to pay Jackie for her feet. No, I'm not. Really? I don't know. Let me see how much my rent is. Are you in that apartment? No, but it's not going to be much better. Jackie's getting bullied into a rent that she just can't afford,

so we're going to have to crowdsource this shit. But yeah, okay, so it was sophomore year of college. Some guy, Tim Farley was his fake name, but he offered $800. You just fucking aired him out. God damn. Tim Farley, USC. name, but he offered 800. You just fucking aired him out. No, no, no. God damn. Tim Farley, USC. It's five. From Fullerton, though.

No, because he scammed me. So then I said, he said, take 10 pictures of your feet, different angles. I was like, I don't even know how to do, like, what?

10 angles of your feet? Yeah, I was like. I got four. One, two, three, four. That's it, man. Yeah, I started doing, like, I tried to, I had to get, like,

a little creative with it. Oh, I got five, like, on the bed with them, like, up behind you. Oh, look, four. That's it, man. Yeah, I started doing, like, I tried to, I had to get, like, a little creative with it. Oh, I got five, like, on the bed with them, like, up behind you. Oh, look at you. A little fucking John Holmes style. Look at you, you little pixie, you little minx. And then. We should see who can take the best feet pics of KC Radio Gang. No.

Dude, I have awful feet. No free foot pics. Unless we're getting paid for it. It's not no free foot pics. Unless we're getting paid for it. It's not no free foot pics. I think maybe that'll be one of the challenges for our... No, no, no. You got to do triathlon. You got to do feet pics.

No. I genuinely... Who thinks they're better foot pics? Fucking Babs or Jackie? Apparently fucking Zach's going to be in the mix. Little tootsies, little twinkle toes. So what happened so you said take ten

and you sent ten and I sent ten and then I said where's my $800 and he said oh all them items you gotta get your money first

come on yeah I should have that's what I learned and then he didn't and then he ghosted me so I didn't get the money but I had already spent the money which kind of sucks

I I I was down bad so i spent money you said eight ten pictures of your feet yeah and then you were like guess who's got a big payday coming and then like went out that night and blew 800 bucks yeah i bought clothes and then um and then i just lost 800 and i said again it's you win some you lose some so like you kind of lost like 1600 there,600 there. You didn't get the $800

and you spent $800. It's a $1,600 swing. It's not $1,600 out of your account but it's a $1,600 swing. Yeah, so I learned my lesson. That's a tough gig

as a sophomore in college to lose $1,600 in 24 hours. Yeah, it was hard. It's a $1,600 swing. It took, it was like a,

it took a, I'm getting better. Yeah, you were on that one. like a swing, you know? It took, it was like a, it took a, I'm getting better. Yeah, you were on that one. But yeah, anyway, so there's that, and I don't do that anymore. So it's whack. That's my whole life. That's not Jackie anymore. That's the old Jackie, son.

All right, voicemail time. Get this fucking game off so I don't have to watch it anymore. This team is not different. They're the same team. God. You guys have to watch it anymore. This team is not different. They're the same team. God. You guys have gotten volatile this year. Yeah, they gave a fucking eight runs in an inning. Frank's infecting you guys, I think.

No, they are different, but this is a bad, bad, bad game. Bad game. Bad game. Sean Foley-Reed, get the fuck off my team. Voicemails today are brought to you by Blue Nile. The best place to get uh jewelry online is at blue blue nile it's the only place i can't tell you another online jeweler i don't know any other online distributor of jewelry because there is none other and if there is you don't need to

fucking worry about them uh you gotta go to blue nile oh they just showed steven matt oh god damn it uh you need to go to blue nile to get the best prices, the best selection, the most affordable, and you can get jewelry everywhere from just like a simple piece for like a birthday or an anniversary all the way up to an engagement ring. So if you're doing the big one, the big kahuna, they got you covered. You can get it for your wife. You got Mother's Day coming up. You got your wife, your girlfriend, your grandma,

any of the women in your life who popped the baby out, even the girls at the club. They deserve a nice little piece of jewelry for being moms. So go to BlueNile.com. Use promo code Kevin. You get $50 off any $500 purchase. This is only good through Mother's Day. So go to BlueNile.com, promo code Kevin, and you get $50 off any $500 order.

Everything is insured. It ships for free, and it arrives in a discreet package, so it will not ruin the surprise. So shop stress-free and find your forever peace at BlueNile.com, promo code Kevin. What's up, y'all? I'm on a work trip. Super bored.

So I figured I'd ask y'all a question. So basically, I tend to get the ick really bad for guys. You don't know what it is. I'm sure Jackie could tell you more about it. But basically, it's when you get absolutely repulsed by someone. And I just tend to ghost them at that point and not ever contact them again. I'm sure there's some psychological reasoning behind that and I just choose to ignore it. So some things I've gotten the ick over, you know, dude wears a weird pair of

pants or maybe they have a weird voice or their calves are too big. Just some examples. So I was wondering if you guys have ever gotten the ick and if so what's the weirdest thing you've gotten the ick over? We gotta capitalize on the ick. Go make a shirt about the ick. Sell it to the people your age. The ick.

What a time it is to be women. What a time you guys are living in. It is great. I mean, it's the best it's ever been for them, no doubt. It's great. Yeah, no, the abortion thing looks like it's going the other way. Maybe not so much. But in general.

I'd start using contraceptives. Very, very. Don't be like, oh, I forgot to take the pill. I would make sure. I'd set alarms for that shit. But everything else, you know, they can make money and they can all that shit you know but but also you can just be like like it like i i what women what they're smart about doing is they make up these cute little names for things that's just like i i judge i judge people unfairly like did i ever fuck a person then stop liking them

afterwards because they did one thing i didn't care for yeah yeah but what I said I sound like a fucking scumbag yeah the ick is I was like alright fucked they still do that

I'm out the ick is I treat people pretty harshly with making like knee jerk decisions based on my judgmental personality it's the ick it's the ick and like guess what nowal personality. It's the ick.

It's the ick. And guess what? Now I'm viral. It's the ick. He had two big calves. Yeah. I've definitely had sex with people before and then found out they had two. Uglier than I thought. Yeah. I don't care for their body.

I'm done talking to them. I've 100% felt one way about somebody had sex with them and had my entire internal makeup about them change and I just got rid of them it's the ick it still haunts me to this day I'm still in therapy about it

but I'm glad you hit the ick about it the ick the ick is great it is fucking insane The ick Sidney did you like dump that guy on his birthday After his dog died and his parents Orphaned him when he was a child

And he told you he poured out his heart And you did the one thing that was going to ruin him forever Yeah but he had the ick I had the ick Oh that's okay That's okay go fuck the frat boy Go fuck the ick. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. Go fuck the frat boy. Go fuck the frat boy who's going to ruin you.

Absolutely. But the guy that gave you the ick, fuck him. Leave him dead in the gutter. Jackie's laughing too hard at all this. The ick. You're just allowed to hate people. You got to tip your cap. It's fucking beautiful marketing.

We had it all wrong in the 90s. It wasn't even on me, really. But it was like, yeah, you ever fuck a slut and then she fucking starts calling you all the time? And you're like, I'm fucking done with this chick. It wasn't as cute as the egg. Yeah. So it was.

No, you know what? This is Seinfeld, man. This is like the entire premise of Jerry Seinfeld. We're like the girl who ate her peas one at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The girl who's laughing. Jerry Seinfeld invented the ick. It was for girls.

Now girls have just applied it to guys. And he was cute about it, too. That's why he was smart. He was cute about it, and then non-clean people started being like, oh, about it. And then it's like, guys might be pieces of shit. Guys might be superficial fucking assholes like

well women are sensitive dude chicks chicks right now are just they're just like they have free reign to say and do whatever they want

treat people however they want and they just call it the ick yeah and they say they're all like you can't get rid of, and they just call it the ick. Yeah. And they say, they're all like, you can't get rid of the ick.

Once you feel the ick, that's it. No, I know. The ick decides everything. I agree. Yeah. It's called just like, you know, we don't fucking like everybody.

Yeah. The majority of the people you meet and the majority of people you have the ick with, how about this? What one up you? And then the person you have the ick with stops fucking with you and you're like,

wait, I don't think I have ick anymore. Yeah. Wait, hang on. Are they fucking cool now? That's what's so funny is if... Hey, ladies, think of a cute name for that mental illness. That's when the ick strikes back, bro. When the ick...

When you think that... You get all cute with it, and you get all cute with it, and then as soon as the ick comes back around, you're crying your fucking eyes out. I'm going to be single forever, and Brad isn't going to close me when he's drunk, and I'm never going to get married. Well, the guy who would have done it had the ick. So die alone, bitch. Put ick on your fucking tombstone because no one nobody else's name's gonna be on there sluts man fucking sluts he took it too far now now we're assholes again

we were making a good point about the egg and now we're fucking in trouble again okay sluts hey what's up ksc fights mike here from aust. I have a fun conversation for you guys. We were talking at the bar the other day about what is the worst alternative pet for a guy to own from a girl's perspective and for a girl flag, and vice versa for guys. The consensus at the table among the girls was that a bird guy is the absolute worst, and for the guys it was that a snake girl raises the most red flags. Let me know your thoughts. So these are two very different things because a snake girl is scary, but she will rip your dick right off. So like I don't want to marry a snake girl,

I want to fuck a snake girl. Jessarode is a snake girl. She scares the fucking shit out of me. Scares the fuck out of me. Anyone who thinks a snake girl is a fucking snake girl. There's nobody who you're like, do you own a snake? And they're like, no. If you get a hunch that they own a snake,

guess what? She fucking owns one, bro. She owns a couple. They own spiders, they own snakes. She doesn't own a snake. they own a snake, guess what? She fucking owns one, bro. She owns a couple. They own spiders. They own snakes. She doesn't own snakes. She got a snake room. Pretty sure. Girls, this is kind of like an ick thing.

They just decide that if you own a silly pet that you're a bad person. Yeah. But I do the same. Again, I get the ick, too. The ick is universal, ladies. You'll get to own the ick. I get the ick. I, I get the ick too. The ick is universal, ladies. You'll get to own the ick. I get the ick. But I kind of get the ick. You want to say something about dogs?

Dog girls. Wow. Because here's the deal. He thought hard about it. He thought hard about it. Yeah, no. I mean, this is the doggo, good pups. That's all ick shit.

It's not just a chick or a guy. This is like the ick. This is universal. If you take owning a pet too seriously, I get the ick. You're a fucking weirdo. Bro, I own dogs. Even if you fucking love your dog, you can still do it normally. How about this?

Put it this way. 99% of your dogs, you're going to choose to kill it someday. That's just a fact. So stop acting like it. I'm going to do that with all my loved ones. Humans included. If you take anything too far,

especially with the pets, the nicknames and the behavior and all that shit, it's very unlikable. There's also a part of it where it's like, I'm not trying to fucking compete with this guy. Yeah, right, right. Every day is with this fucking thing. He's got a leg up on you. He's got a huge leg up yeah no he doesn't make as much noise as me that's gotta be the biggest thing if i had to think of the

biggest complaint women have with me it's gotta be the sound yeah yeah the groaning when you get up and down everything yeah jackie brings it up all the time she makes so much fucking noise and snoring at night snoring at night it's's just you are like a loudspeaker. It's got to be insufferable. So like I'm not trying to – And then they get to know your personality. You want to talk about insufferable. Then when you're making noise on purpose and you're talking,

holy shit, forget about it. It is like I don't want to fucking compete with this guy who I know I'm going to lose to one day. He can have you, okay? I think the bird thing, Marty Mush went through the bird thing. He ended up having sex because of having a bird.

That thing played out in real time, and it was like, no, he's a fun guy. I'll fuck him. I do think birds and snakes are the worst. I think, for a guy, I think, hands down, for both, a ferret. Oh, wow. I think for a guy, I think hands down, for both, a ferret.

Oh, wow. I think if you own ferrets, you should be put down. First person I think I want to own a ferret is that drug dealer in Friday Night Lights. Sure.

Who Tim Riggins lives with for a while. He's a despicable person. You don't want that in your life. Or a diaper. Yeah. Or a diaper,

but it's adult underpants. Like if you own a ferret, you're probably either white trash or you're just a dirty... You're homeless from the woods or something. You own a rodent.

A ferret will change you out. Definitely. I had a friend in college who I was tight with. And one time I went to his family's house. They had like three parrots. Done. I'm out.

You ever, I mean, that sounds like that kid for you. There was, I feel like every school has a kid who has like 11 pets. Like you go to their house and it's fucking Ace Ventura. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember going to that kid's house. They have like 10 dogs. Yeah, yeah. And usually there's a lot of kids too.

I'm getting freezing food poisoning. Yeah, I was going to say that. This is concerning. When someone's putting on layers on the KFC radio team, that's a problem. So cold. When you go, I would go to this kid's house and he had a ton of animals and humans.

It was like a circus. Like they had a ton of siblings and a ton of pets. And I was like, this feels's house and he had a ton of animals and humans. It was like a circus. Like they had a ton of siblings and a ton of pets. And I was like, this feels like fucking Ace Ventura. I'm out of here, man. But I think it's different. Like guys,

it's, I feel like if you own a cat, you'll get judged as a guy too. Yeah. Yeah. No doubt. I think cats, but then like,

I had a buddy, I was just like, yeah, I kind of do too. But like there was, because here's the thing. What we describe about cats' personalities are our personalities. If you had a human

with a dog's personality, you'd be like, get away from me. You're so annoying. Whereas a cat's kind of playing it cool. They're like, you come to me. They play hard to get. They leave you wanting more. They're interesting. They can do cool shit. But they're're also just like stay the fuck away from me that's like the cool guy yeah so you're right fucking cats not so bad uh but any exotic animal i said that you can

only own a dog or a cat everything else is weird everything else is weird think about it what's another pet i had a buddy in college who owned a goat, which was dope. No, it's not. Yeah, it was dope. No, it's not. It was like they had like- Oh, mini horses are cool. Mini horses? They had a full grown- Farm animals are cool.

Where do you keep it? I'm not like a pig. They had like a pretty decent backyard in Tallahassee, and they kind of had like a little- I guess that's all right. Set up for him. He had a farm. It wasn't in the Bronx. Yeah, that's the thing.

I mean, it was- You basically have to have a farm. By no means was it a farm. But it's like you have to have like land. A backyard with hay and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was kind of dope well good morning from your friendly neighborhood mom i have a question for you guys to debate uh with easter going on and it's baby's first easter and baby's first christmas and her birthday's coming up in July. So I was just curious if you guys prefer quality

over quantity. Because for my family, it's quality. We, you know, we do a lot of special gifts. My husband's side on the other end, count individual gifts and it matters to them. And it's become a big problem at Christmas time. And, you know, each family definitely tries to one-up each other. So just curious what you guys think. It's driving me crazy. I mean, Christmas time, when you... It's a fucking no-brainer, isn't it?

It depends. I think it depends on your age. Christmas time, you're a little kid. You come running downstairs. You want a pile yeah yeah and when and when your mom's like but we got you the bicycle and that's like your big gift it's like well my brother got to open up gifts for like 10 solid minutes and i opened it up for 30 seconds so that matters when you're a kid no doubt having that massive pile um now as you get older i would

i would you know give me something like that I really need. That's cool. I've said that your tertiary family members should stop buying you. I don't get gifts. I still do. Yeah, I don't get any gifts. And I'm like, stop. You just bought this like 10 minutes ago. Now I have to throw it away.

This is dumb. Right, right. You're right. I don't deserve thought. I don't deserve taught. I don't deserve anything. I'm an adult man. I, at this point,

I'm like, just give everything to my kids. Like, yeah, you're going to spend money on me. Like give it to the kids. Um, I feel like significant others will always buy for each other,

but like parents and siblings and shit. Oh, I still get it from my parents. My parents will give me presents, but the, I mean, I'm talking about like, like,

like aunts and uncles and shit like that. Like, don't, don't give me fucking gifts. I don I mean, I'm talking about, again, like aunts and uncles and shit like that. Don't give me fucking gifts. Grandparents. I don't even think fucking parents. It's like. Let me do it.

My parents wouldn't let me not. I say don't get me anything. Yeah. And they said. My mom just gives me. Then they get mad because then they're like, well, I'm going to give you shit you don't want. So what the fuck do you want? Right.

And. Well, my mom just gives me cash. It's going to be like a few hundred bucks every time. I'm like, all right. I'd rather that. That's what I fucking need, mom. This is. That makes me much happier.

It's alleviating stress more than a fucking like watch. But you know what I like? Here's one thing I like about getting gifts. And it says a lot about. And I think I saw this in Fleabag maybe. It says a lot about what that person thinks of you. What would they get you? Yeah. And what would they get you? Yeah.

And like, it's my mom in particular. I liked the way my mom shops. Cause she gets me shit that I would never get. That's what I do like about gifts. And I'm like, it gets you to buy clothes, wear clothes that you would never wear or get something you would never get.

I'm like, Oh yeah, that is cool. Pull this off. Yeah. All right. I'll give it a try. And I'd be like,

yeah, I'd be in there and be like, Oh, take a blue shirt. Yeah. I was going to say, I wore a blue shirt and a hoodie fucking every single time. But, like, yeah, I'd be in there and be like, oh, take a blue shirt. Yeah, I was going to say, I wore a blue shirt and a hoodie

fucking every single time but maybe we should do gifts. And do gifts? We should do KFC Radio gifts, I think. For Christmas? Definitely for Christmas.

We were going to do Secret Santa this past year and it got fucked up by COVID or some shit. Yeah, I think you got COVID,

right? No, I got COVID. Yeah, you got COVID, right? No, I got COVID. I think everybody did. We left. Sorry, I don't know. I don't know. Do you want to get something thrown at you? Do you want to get knocked the fuck out?

Thank you. We will, like, first gift for Jackie, a smack to the face. A sandwich, yeah. As I said on Grape Juice Boys today, I won't get one free today, kid. Classic. But we could do, like, when your birthday comes around,

we could kind of do that. Everyone's got to get a birthday present. Okay. Yeah, no price minimum. You have to spend a lot of money on each other. Everybody try to one-off each other. You idiots. Idiots. You're down by a thousand, dude.

Stay at first. So who's the next birthday? When's your birthday? September 6th. June 29th. Nicky's up. What's going on? I walked out of the room. You're getting gifts.

All right. Cool. It goes Nick, Pav of the room. No, you're getting gifts. All right. Cool. So Nick, it goes Nick, Pavs, Jackie. Nick, you, Pavs. Pavs getting cucked real hard. Yeah, no. Everybody's got to get some gifts. All right.

Deal. All right. Let's get into our interview today. We got Nikki Glaser on the show. Always a good interview. She's got a new reality show on E! Premiering Sunday night so check that out

it's her living at home in St. Louis shout out to St. Louis but check that out and enjoy it Nikki Glaser on KFC Radio let's talk to her

who the fuck watches music videos why are we doing these you say that but like if you go to YouTube like every popular as long as a billion views somebody's watching them.

I'm going to actually shoot one tomorrow. Are you? Yeah. My friend Matt Pond, who is my tour manager, but he's also an amazing musician, asked me to be in it. That's my number one dream is to be in a music video. I always pretend like I'm in them. Are you going to be in it or is it yours?

No. I'm going to be in his. He wrote a bunch of songs for me that I'm like- When are we going to start doing your own, girl? I've recorded stuff, but I'm not to be in his. He wrote a bunch of songs for me that I'm like... When are we going to start doing your own, girl? I've recorded stuff, but I'm not putting it out there. It's just too embarrassing. You get trashed for it. As a comedian, you can't do anything sincere.

It has to be a funny song. I owe you an apology. I didn't have your back when I was on the Skanks podcast. Oh, yeah, you didn't. You know what? I expected it. I felt bad about that because that's happened to me before on podcasts, and I was like,

that felt shitty, so I'm sorry. No, oh my God, who cares? At first, I knew it was going to happen because I was recording these songs just because I was like, I might as well try it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

But it's, because I got into playing guitar and singing and stuff during the pandemic. Yeah, you have a good voice. But it's embarrassing to do something sincere. I know.

I mean, that's what I wanted to do my whole life but instead I've done comedy because there's nothing sincere about it. Comedy is the thing where you make fun of people who like try

and care and it's like it's so like psychological, right? It's all about like that's probably insecurities and you're doing that because you wish you could be sincere

and happy. Singing is so It's so gay. It's so gay it's so gay i mean i wasn't gonna say it but it is you're like moaning so good words and your feelings and you're like singing in metaphors which in poetry i mean it's poetry it's it's it's men are so scared to feel yet we are so turned on by men who croon sing and yeah so what is the way why can't we connect those two i was thinking specifically the other day

about like what's up switch out the oh my god branding yes do you know Jackie this is Jackie

hi Jackie she's our new star oh awesome yeah you seem like a star you walked in and I go who is this yeah thank you sorry

no you're great lurk over there love it I was thinking specifically about R&B singers Thank you. Sorry. No, you're great. Lurk over there. Love it. I was thinking specifically about R&B singers. Yeah. Who are like, kind of like still like hardcore dudes at times. You know what I mean?

Tatted up, chains, ripped. And then they'll be like, let's make a song today about like fucking you. But I'm going to sing and croon and all that it's like like if i i mean if i ever got into music and made a song about like fucking somebody or loving somebody making love it's like what are you doing get out of here you have to start that way and come out of the gate with that right because we can't take you seriously unless that's all we know of you from the get-go that's why it's like it's i can't do it i cannot be be a sincere singer songwriter it'll never happen for me luckily there's people out there like

Bo Burnham who are making genuinely like good beats good music that is funny too and it's not all yes

like there is good music out there that is comedy because we cannot I'm never gonna be able to write a love song I've tried I've written songs before you mean because

it won't be popular or you can't like write it it's too embarrassing I got trashed writing a song about bob saget dying which i didn't even write my friend wrote it and then as we were recording the song that i was never going to release i was just doing it for fun yeah bob saget dies in the middle of literally as i was recording and i got and i go this song actually kind of reminds me of bob and i i wrote some of change some of the lyrics but it was just and i and I was like, I'll release it because, I don't know.

You did it. And like, who knows? Bob, I wasn't like, Bob would have wanted this, but like, I really did feel like it was something,

it was a way for me to process my feelings. I don't know. It really did help for some fucking reason. And then I got trashed for it, which I saw coming, like, and it was totally fine. But what it really is

and they can say all they whatever they want like those kinds of comics that are like calling out like that kind of stuff

and the call out comedians who I mean I am too like I call out when people are yeah I mean but that's to me that's the game

you just gotta be able to that's what I call it I invented this word in high school with my friends and it's uh i'm it's a big thing on my podcast the nicki laser podcast which is every day monday through thursday but i've i've it's caught on you say to someone who does something that they wouldn't do alone but that they do so that people think they're sure appealing out like like it's blasting

music that you're not even enjoying you're doing it for other people yeah and it's just and i just came up with in high school me and my friends would just be like some guy would be like talking about getting wasted at a party that weekend and be like and they wouldn't know what it meant but they could tell laugh along with it we were yeah we could tell they could tell we were mocking them and then eventually it caught on and everyone in school was like am i cut like people write me or like is it if i do this i'm like if you're questioning if it's good it ain't good like people so i have to ask how much it is you can't afford it you gotta call out cut it's what comedians are supposed to do and it was kind of curve me to be like i'm sad about bob and i'm

gonna put out a song that people listen to like but at least you know it if you know it's good then like like i think that you can do some cur shit in your life. I can still be emotional and still be a comedian and you can still mock me for it. I do think though that

I'm sorry for some of these people that will never get to the point where they can do things that they desperately want to do. Like,

Big J wants to sing emotional songs so badly. They sang right after. They did their own like, recognition and grabbing the mic and singing. Because they want to so badly. They sang right after. They did their own like recognition and grabbing the mic and singing. Because they want to so badly. They would love to do it.

I know my song wasn't good and you probably wouldn't want to sing that song, whatever it is. But you do want to do what I was attempting to do, which is like be an actual singer. Every comedian wants to be a rock and roll artist and every rock and roll artist wants to be a comedian. It's just the way it is they have an easier time with it because we can't like they talk in between songs and we fucking lose our minds they're funny no matter what they say sure dave matthews is like it smells pretty good out there and we're like he acknowledged weed fuck like we're like he's the funniest guy i say that about athletes all the time like if an athlete uh just simply like curses in a post game press conference like

they said a bad word when they're not supposed to there's a player for the mets who the the slogan for the mets let's go mets and a lot of people say lgm and he said lfgm just said the fucking letter oh and people were like oh he's funny you know yeah it's like the bar is so low it's so low because so many of them either don't have a personality or are not allowed to show a personality that when they do, it's like, holy shit. You're not just like a robot. You actually can tell some jokes and actually can talk. Why is it that we cannot be like – Multiple things.

We can't be sincere. We can take dramatic roles because I guess it's like you can go, well, I'm playing a character. And a script was written. I didn't write it.'m not just they made me do it yeah but if you were to write a song like an emotional song as a comedian there's just something so cringe about it like it's just but i i yearn to express myself in metaphor and like poetry i yearn for it i wish I love Taylor Swift because I want to be able to talk about the guys I've dated and the feelings I have without always being like

but I didn't really care anyway like jokes are always they always cut the tension I mean I'm just turning into Hannah Gadsby up here but like that's what jokes do is they make you uncomfortable and then they go but I'm just kidding and I just kind of like it's not enough for me you want to just like tell it like it is be real about it yeah but I and that's the reason like when I'm on kidding. Right, right, right, right. And I just kind of, like, it's not enough for me. Sometimes you don't want to be kidding. You want to just, like, tell it like it is.

Be real about it. Yeah. But I, and that's the reason, like, when I'm on stage, I never, like,

I watch people like Chappelle or even, like, just any, pretty much any comedian besides, like, there's,

comedians are so slow. Say it. I'm trying to think of, like, Taylor Tomlinson I watch and I go, she's so fucking funny and she's someone that I struggle to watch because she's

so talented and so young that it's oh my god she's so good you're like 18 and you're selling out theaters and shit god damn it I hate her I can't be mad at it because it's easier to get mad when someone sucks and everyone loves them

when they're talented and they deserve it what am I say? What am I going to say? She worked really hard and what I do say is that I know how hard it is to be that good because I've been that good at times where I'm just firing. And it takes

I convince myself, well, she's not sleeping a lot then. Well, at least on the inside, she's super tired. She's failing. I'm protecting all these things but it probably i mean but that's what it is like when you see someone talented it is it's i read this book called the talent code that blew my mind that is about where talent comes from is not just like people show up being beyonce like people have inclinations towards things, yes. People have a knack, but knacks are nowhere near the level of talent they

get through hard work. It really is mostly hard work. I've said this before. I think anyone can be a comedian. You think so? Literally anyone. Anyone. Some of the least funny people you've ever met are comedians. It's a skill. It's sleight of hand. I want to say to be a good comedian

because I think it's actually one of the hardest things in the world to do. But if you did it, as much as if I gave you a schedule. Theoretically, I could just train and train and train and eventually run the marathon fast enough. Yeah, but you have to start young enough where your body is going to be able to be fast at it. If I interrupted your life at four years old and was like you're gonna be a gold medal racquetball player

you could do that there's this guy that well but like some people like literally can't some people are not gonna have the genes

the muscles like whatever I know you think that some people will not but if you put a child

into a camp where they don't really go to school all they do is sing and dance and it's their their whole life, and they already have a natural ability, but as much as a lot of people, they will be Beyonce. Beyonce is, we saw her when she came out Beyonce. She had over 10,000 hours of practice. And then you have the machine behind you. You've got to have the right promotion and distribution and PR and like all of that to create a monster.

I'm just talking about talent though, dude. Like I, there was this guy that I'm kind of, I'm fucking it up. I'll paraphrase. But there's a guy that had a feeling like if I just from an early age, like as a toddler, he loved chess and he wanted to be a grandmaster. He didn't even get close. And he was like, I'm going to see if I can just like make grandmasters by just like creating a training program.

All three of his daughters became grandmasters. And there was like, I'm going to see if I can just like make grandmasters by just like creating a training program. All three of his daughters became grandmasters and there was no, they were all very different and he just made them slip. He just, they didn't have lives. That's like,

that's why Olympic athletes don't have social lives. Comedians especially, it's like, how do I do it? It's like, do it seven days a week, 10 times a week.

You know what I mean? Like, go up every single night and twice on Saturdays and Sundays and never, ever, ever stop. And then I got like a smidge taste of it. Because when we go on stage, we do the podcast. We don't do like stand up. Yeah. But we did two shows in Boston at the Wilbur. And so I told a story the first night.

And it was like, it was something that happened earlier in the day. So it was real and it wasn't scripted or anything and it killed. And then the second show, like an hour later, I had to retell it and I like couldn't do it the right way. And they kind of left. And I was like, and those guys, you guys tell like you have a routine and you'll tell the same joke with the same enthusiasm and the same probably fake laugh or you know the exact right pause and the exact well all that shit and you do it what like hundreds of times when you're

on the road with a set like how many times do you say you do like one routine um well man i'm i'm a little bit different like i don't work like other comedians i tried for years to follow what i knew you know you study when you first start comedy you you like study, how does, how do you do this? Cause no one fucking knows. And you go, Oh, okay. Jerry Seinfeld writes for an hour every day, free,

whatever. Like you follow all these, like their thing. And I just couldn't fit into that. Like I always was failing. I was always seeing like when I would work, you know, with John Mulaney or like,

or big Leah, like see these guys backstage. They're looking over their notes. They're on their computers. They're going over things afterwards, they're looking over their notes, they're on their computers, they're going over things afterwards, they're listening to their sets, they're taking notes. I just couldn't do it.

And I always felt like I'm, I'm a failure. I'll never be great. Or I just always felt like I was a failure up until like, just recently I let go of that and was like, that's how they work. I just think of a thing. I jotted in my phone one word and then i go on stage and i say it

enough times until one time and then for some reason you don't write like at all wow that's i do shit i mean i'd like to flatter myself in that way but it's it's laziness but it works because i've yeah i've honed it but i started out like memorizing jokes and walking pacing the hallway having a set list. And now I can just go out and kind of wing it. I call it ambitiously lazy. Yeah. I feel like I'm very goal-driven and I want to do something, but I'm going to find a way to get it done where I don't have to be.

You're doing things that are comfortable for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like all the time. Right, right, right. We're very similar. I don't get outside my comfort zone much. But that's also because what I do. But we work all the time doing the things that other people think are uncomfortable but for us it's like me going such it's not a big deal yeah i could do you know what's a big deal

is sitting at my computer writing jokes i didn't do that all day yeah hell no i would rather fill up my day with podcasts and feel like i did something yes yes it's easier for me and there's so much i feel like business wise you know are, you can get advertising in it. It's like, I used to write a lot. We used to write blogs. Yeah. And it's like, now it's not like you can put five ads in a blog post and make X, Y, Z dollars.

So it's like, I can spend my time writing or I could do it this way, in this form. Do you miss writing? Was that like? Yeah, I think writing is my best talent, like by a mile. Wow. I think when we first started, so it began in Boston with Dave Portnoy,

and then I started the New York branch. In the beginning, it was just writing, maybe the occasional video, but for the longest time, nobody even knew my face. They didn't know my name. I was just writing. I genuinely think at that point, I was the funniest to ever do it.

I fucking, and I did it all day, more than anybody, longer than anybody. Dave would say he's funnier, but we're all toxically competitive but i think that i was that was when i was great and people like they told me that like the feedback was good everybody said it was funny and then we started to do podcasts and people kind of heard my voice and then we did videos and people saw who i was and every time it kind of like lost a little bit where they were like oh i liked you better when I was reading you.

People don't want you to change. Yeah, they don't want me to change. And I think, you know, like if you read my shit and you like it, fine. But if you listen to me and you're from like the Midwest or you're from a different, you know, different upbringing or whatever, you hear that I have a New York accent and I'm angry, I'm loud and I'm obnoxious. You're like, oh, wait a minute. You know, when I was reading you, I it was this and now this is this it's like and you have a lot more

time to put effort into that to maybe present something that isn't essentially you like i feel like when i start out in comedy like i would write jokes and spend so much time trying to be either someone else or like the version of me that I wanted people to believe. And now I feel like. I get to just like. I found a way to be funny. Being myself. And it took so fucking long dude. The thing to me.

There's two like main reasons why I want to do that. Rather than be something I'm not. Because I feel like there are people here. Who have characters. Well they have like either characters. Or like keep things separate or whatever and I feel like

they're always they're always worried they're always looking over their shoulder like well what if people find out the truth or what if people find out my name

or whatever and I'm one of the guys here is brilliant he goes by the moniker PFT he used to always wear sunglasses

as a bit and it became a funny thing where people were like we've never seen his eyes we've never seen his eyes he did it for years and just this past year he finally took them off and there are none

there'd be times I'd be doing interviews with important people these guys that have a gimmick I used to date a guy that always wore a suit on stage and I'm like you gotta keep that up or like a voice I have some friends that are comedians that are so brilliant but they do they turn it they do like a caricature of themselves i can

understand some level of that though i do too but when you are talking to someone at a table and they get up to do a set and you go i'm gonna go watch you and their voice changes so dramatically and they turn into like you just go you gotta you gotta look at me and go, I just did a character. You're Larry the Cable Guy right now. You are not, you should not be, you just gotta be honest with me about it. Like that you're doing something fake up there.

Let me know that, I don't like when people think that they're getting one over on me. Like I want you to know that I know that, that I know that this is a bit. Don't act like you're getting by on this. I'm so,

I'm so sick of comedians that are like, I'm a truth teller and I don't apologize. I was just about to ask you that because I'm so happy. You know what? You want to know a tactic that comedians do and you'll see this everywhere and I just want to open people's eyes to it because there's a lot of things that comedians do that are tricks to make people like them more and to think they're funny, even though, like, adding the F word obviously makes everything funnier, like you said, with the athlete that adds the F. Are we totally clean now, Nikki Lazer? Not even going to say fuck?

No, because he added the F to the fucking mess. So, no, pussy cunt. Okay, I was like, wait a second. Suck my dick. Lick my ass. What's the worst one? I mean, cunt is Okay. I was like, wait a second. Suck my dick. Lick my ass. Uh, what's the, what's the worst one? I mean,

cunt is kind of like eating ass is just so visual. It's a wild, how much like it's, it's accepted and taunted about. I had a sign language woman at the show the other night and I just started this. I saw her, I was like, hello Nashville.

And I look over and I go eating ass. Like I just had to do. And it was, it was eating. Yeah. And I go, why does it just had to do and it was it was eating yeah and I go why does it look so much like what it is but that like is that really it or is she just conveyed to the audience like do spell ass but it was like or like you like you point to your butt or like going in and going like putting a finger in wiping it down first and then like going like it was so what it was um but i'm by the way i feel like that's when you've made it when you have a sign language person that's your shit god

i was like i want you there all the time that's cool it was a funny little thing like lean on to i go don't watch me watch this rappers have yeah they're fucking like going at it i watch i i watch it a lot um there's a girl that does wAP on Sign Language. It's so much hotter. Yeah, I bet. Just like, just all the, you know, and then Rap God. There's a woman that does that. It's crazy. But this is what comedians do.

They go, listen, like, I got a lot of thoughts about, you know, the Will Smith thing but I'm I'm not gonna say them yeah it's like well then I can't like literally like you guys can't handle it and then no they do

then they know they do but they act like they're not even gonna say it they haven't even thought to even think about doing a bit about it even though their bit is in place

and ready the illusion of things off the top of your head is so irritating and so and it's and people like things that appear off the top of your head. That's why your joke worked better when it was truly off the top of your head than when you were telling it again.

Even though you weren't trying to make it seem spontaneous, they just knew it was a little bit older. That's what I can be and say the other day when it was two weeks ago because things that happen currently. So they'll go, like this Will Smith thing. No, I can't, I can't. I'm not. And then the audience goes no now they have invested something so no matter what this idiot says that is not funny at all the they'll laugh at anything this person says because they put money down on it

they begged for it they have they have stake in it it's such a device that comedians do all the time of this like edgy comic of just like man like i'm gonna say what other people aren't gonna say right like and this and people go oh my god he just told us he's saying what other people don't say right but he just told you he's actually saying things that everyone's saying he just told you he's saying things that other people don't say they're all in any comedian who is confident on stage fuck you you you do this because you're not confident. You have low self-esteem. Otherwise, you wouldn't do it.

Once you like yourself, because I actually kind of do now, I don't like stand-up. I don't need audiences to laugh at me. I do it now because I actually enjoy it. I really do. But there was a part of me that was always doing it because I needed people to like me because I didn't like myself. And, like, this whole thing of comedians will do this a lot where they walk like they say

when I say goodnight I literally feel so bad that the audience has had to listen to me for so long I run off stage so they don't have to like stand up

like I don't want anyone to stand up and have everyone go oh yes I have to stand up now I run off before anyone can do a standing ovation and that way I don't feel rejected

if they don't right but that is because i the comedians that say good night and then they just stand there eventually if you wait long enough and you've done a serviceable job they will give you a standing ovation yeah because it's just a social like construct they're like okay i guess i have to you can trick them it's all an illusion i mean it's it really is you're a magician up there. And I see all the tricks now. And, you know, there's even like we all know Chappelle when he hits his mic on the leg.

People laugh because it's Pavlov's dogs. He doesn't even know that that is what he's doing. There was a time where that was used enough from him that it was like funny. I still laugh. I love it. And he genuinely looks like he's having a good time. And he genuinely looks like he's having a good time and he genuinely looks like he's laughing

at jokes like he just came up with them when we know he didn't that I'm always curious about when you guys laugh on stage are you

I sometimes laugh now no sometimes it is me knowing that like not doing it on purpose but just knowing that I get a positive response

from this it just is something you start doing then maybe the first time you tell it you laugh because it is funny so you laugh and then that becomes a part of then. Maybe the first time you tell it, you laugh because it is funny. So you laugh. And then that becomes a part of the bit for you.

And then you recreate it and you don't even know you're doing it. So I don't think a lot of these things are malicious. They're just subconscious. But also, fuck it. So then, you know, I think that people, like fans, get obsessed with the idea of real.

They should be. We definitely have it here at Barstool. They should be, but also... If the person's claiming to be real. Well should be. We definitely have it here at Barstool. They should be, but also, so like, If the person's claiming to be real. Well, that's the thing. If the person is performative,

yes, there are comedians that you go, I want to see, Mitch Hedberg was being very real, but you don't know anything about him. He's not really telling you

about his life. We didn't know anything about him. Right. But he's the best. That is the main thing that I feel. We don't always need it.

When Call Her Daddy blew up at Barstool and it was it was much more manufactured than like when we just turn on the mics and roll you know yes and at first i was like fuck that like no you should have to be telling the truth and then i was kind of like well there's no rules to podcasting if you want to manufacture some jokes and some setups and all that and redo it and do takes and become like the number one podcast in the world they're doing something dollars like more power to you but then when i started to hear that some of those stories were purported as like this happened to me or this is real or and then well then i'm like well now and even that can be allowed too but i just don't want it to be like and i don't want to single her out or the show out but like when it's like they're the truth sayer they're they're real and it's like but no they're not but you can laugh at them and love them but don't act like this is you know the

realest shit out there yeah that's the problem i have with stand-ups is that they are project so much confidence and like i i like love myself and like just and that you are confident to go out there but i have to say, comedians are not confident. I've dated enough of them. I'm friends with them. If you're confident, you shouldn't be. I know what you mean, but also on the grand scale of confidence, if you were to ask 99.999% of the world to go up on stage and do what they do, everyone is too afraid to do that. Yeah, that's different.

So there's a level of like— Just because you're a rock climber doesn't mean you're confident you're confident in rock climbing but your self-esteem is low your self-esteem could be low still but in that in that craft in that moment they are doing something that takes confidence that you're confident in your ability to convince people that you have high self-esteem but it is not high self-esteem people that are like i'm the best we the best like this new kind of comedy that's like really boastful and cocky is disgusting to me. And I know it's an illusion because I know these guys. And if you're funny, you suffered with low self-esteem at some point.

You felt like you weren't enough. There's no reason to be a comedian unless it's survival. I feel like you need to wallow in that. One of my biggest regrets is being as self-deprecating as me and John have been on our show. Because people start to kind of buy into that and believe that. You don't have to. One of my biggest regrets is being as self-deprecating as me and John have been on our show because people start to kind of buy into that and believe that and say their own jokes

about you. Like, there's so many times where I'll say something about myself and someone like tweets that joke or whatever like says it to me.

I'm like, well, I can say that. Not you. Fuck you. You can't say that. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, now you're being mean, you know? Yes. Because, and I've seen other people, comics, podcasts,

whatever. if you do it too much yeah yeah yeah no you're beautiful and i go i know i don't want the fucking yeah but some days i feel ugly but like exactly i'm just being honest i'm being real about it but i see people like if you say it enough if you say you don't have to be like i'm the fucking best but if you're like i'm funny this show's funny my show's good my good. Whatever. People follow. They buy into that. Yes. Well, I know I'm funny, you know, but I don't know that I'm lovable a lot of times.

I do now. But like when I'm on stage, I'm confident in being funny. I can be like, I'm one of the best comedians. Like there are times that I feel that way and I really believe it. But I guess it's just this, there's just no humility in it. There's no chance to see them as like maybe flawed people every joke someone else is a punchline and I just that doesn't interest

me and I think that's why I had such a hard time with the Louis thing is not because you know I didn't love the stories that came out of that and all of that but I don't I don't really enjoy Louis' comedy anymore because I felt like he was the most honest person I'd ever heard in my life.

And I wasn't hearing the whole story. And I just feel like it's just not that he's going to make that funny, but he probably could have. Sure. And I'm not going to like defend that in this case. But like I've always said, I gave people 99% of my life on Barstool. I opened up everything. Yeah, you're allowed to not give them something that's illegal. Especially.

But even if it's not illegal, if it's just like, I have this one thing I want to keep. You don't have to have a private life. But then people are like, you're. I don't know how to do that. Yeah. I'm just lucky I don't like to do anything that victimizes anyone. Because then you'd be fucked. Honestly, because I don't even blame people that do.

Like, I'm kind of a freak. Like, I feel bad for pedophiles yeah i know what you mean i know it sounds no one chooses to be a fucking pedophile imagine like there is something choosing that there's something funny funny in the most dark way of like of i'm lucky that i'm not like a like a teenage guy or like growing up being like fuck damn it i'm into little kids oh yeah they have that moment i'm obsessed with that realization where it's like oh no this is gonna be impossible and if you're out there wondering if you're a pedophile if you're over the age of puberty and you're not attracted to

children you're not you passed like because yeah yeah yeah like it is a thing that you go i used to think about pedophiles and go like oh my god could that happen to me like they didn't no one wants to be like what if that what if i trip and hit my head and i become one like when you wake up with like a british accent i woke up and i researched it and they know during puberty they know and so how about this with the advent of like uh sex dolls and robots and shit yeah what if you're a pedophile and you're just like i have a kid doll i believe believe that those are actually, I would, I would, I would,

you know, donate to that Kickstarter. You know what they should do is just everybody go to Little St. James and do it in a fun way. Kind of a little pedophile island. Well, with the robots.

With the robots. Yeah. And everyone's just like fucking kid robots. There's this amazing podcast. If you're into this stuff at all, there's this podcast called Hunting Warhead about child pornography and that whole... Did you know that child pornography, no one makes money off of it.

They just trade it because they're just like... Into it. They just are supporting each other because they know that there's such... There's such a community of people that are so ostracized and they're just like... I know, but they're also fucking... They're disgusting. The worst of the worst so fucking they're disgusting the worst of the worst yes the worst of the worst

but like you would think there's money in that there's no money in Chuck Porch that's almost worse it's out of the love of it it's disgusting and there's always you ever notice that it's like

600 terabytes of pictures and shit it's always like a massive amount I go my entire life I couldn't look at that many images it's insane I've seen a lot I've watched a lot of porn

and I'm not even coming close to the amount of shit you guys have on your computer I bet you and I could go-toe with how much porn we've watched i have nearly watched every single you know just like gangbang there is yeah i've literally been through every gangbang that is accessible without going like i don't have other like i don't i'm just a cursory uh like i don't have any other what like i don't know how really dig for things, but everything that's accessible with a few clicks, I've seen everything. I've seen all of it.

I mean, I started getting to the point where I'm like, I know like usernames on Pornhub, the way you know like a Twitter handle. I'm like, oh, that's that girl and her husband. They're married,

they live, you know what I mean? Yep. Oh my God. I recognize the same people on, I go to Reddit. Thumbnail. I know.

Yeah. Yeah. I heard you talk about that. We have a guy, we have a guy here I think who doesn't swears by it and he's so much better

because you go what it's kind of confusing for anyone who might be interested and I like you go yeah you go to like say you're into gangbangs you just type in gangbangs you

find the subreddit then they post like little like clips and pictures and stuff if you see a clip you like that's like you know short up you want to see more of it. There's no sound on Reddit, okay?

But if there is a, at the top, right next to the username is a very small thing that says Red GIF. And if you click on that, it takes you to another thing that doesn't have pop-ups that it will have sound for that clip. And then that clip, they will have, they'll be like,

you liked this clip it has these things and then then you just scroll and it's like fucking instagram for uh those and it has all sound and it's the best way to like kind of really hone in on what you're into are you still not coming um no yeah that died a long time yeah that was a run though weird ass run yeah i had a weird run where i read that book I was starting to convince you were like a weird old fucking deviant I was like

this girl hasn't come in like forever yeah because I was I read that book that was told you told me that it like causes depression you and my brother

need to get together and have a podcast called this book that I'm reading or this book that I read yeah I read thirds of books and then I go I got it

I'm good and I think I know everything and then I like lecture people by the way the first few chapters totally wrong but it's like whatever yeah yeah i i yeah a lot of these books like have a present a premise that they then dismantle and i don't even make it to the

dismantle part i'm like he's makes a pretty good point um i yeah that's what i do i get really obsessed with like these kind of and so what made you change like why um that was i think i just realized i kind of stupid well i was trying to treat my depression i couldn't figure out why i was always getting depressed and then i eventually got diagnosed with add and that was like oh that was it now i'm like yeah i i mean i don't how was that first nut that must have been wild honestly it's not the same as like you would think for like men you like for a guy i mean it would be like a fucking it's honestly and mentally like a fire it doesn't build up for me i i just had to wait until it was

like i think there's probably two days a week that i like a window where i could be like oh i really want to come right now otherwise it's like more of a chore like i don't i masturbate a lot but um it's never something it's not a daily thing and it's never something that like i see something on tv and i'm like oh that fucking looks good i'm gonna masturbate it's like i have a feeling that bubbles up and i'm like i can't smoke weed i can't drink i'm kind of bored i'll just jerk off is that but i feel like some guys sometimes just see something that gives them like some blood down there there was a time time, one of the things we used to do when we were blogging was called

Guess That Ass, where it would just be like, there's a paparazzi picture of a girl and you just crop out her butt and you have to guess who the person is. And there'd be some hot chicks and we were like, 25. And I'd be blogging and then I'd be like, let me take a five minute break.

And then there's also time. Mine takes hours sometimes. Five minutes, I, like take a five minute break. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's also time. Mine takes hours. Sometimes five minutes. I could do it in fucking five seconds when I need to. But also you guys get the beauty of just like no cleanup. Oh, no. Unless you're going in on yourself,

girl. yeah, I mean, I, I have cleanup because I got to clean the toys afterwards that I use. That is the problem with toys. Because otherwise it dries on it and then next time you pick it up it sprinkles like snow

coming down and I'm like jingle bells. I always sing jingle bells when I pick up. It's just cum. It's light cum. But the drying is gross. Dried cum is gross. Yeah when it flakes off. The problem I think that guys run into with like

flashlights and shit is the feeling of like when you've just like filled up this rubber thing with cum. Yeah. And now I need and you're in your, you know, you have that post nut clarity and you're like, now I have to like fucking like plunge the cum out of this thing. It's like Final Break. He tells a story where he just put it back under his bed. Oh, yeah. Just like put it in there. And he's like, who knows? There could have been life forms growing out of. Oh, my God. I think most guys don't. Just like seal it up, put it in there, and he's like, who knows?

There could have been life forms growing out of that fucking thing. Oh, my God. I bet most of the time those aren't cleaned out. Because afterwards, you just don't want to see. You're so, you just have this shame afterwards. But fuck that, because you guys have had toys forever, and nobody's like, oh, my God. You should not have any shame. Use my vibrator.

You just can't help it. Yeah. Like, I have. But like, if you walk into a girl's bedroom, and you open up her top drawer and find some toys, you're like, cool, this is hot. hot yeah you open up a guy's closet and you see like a rubber ass or a fucking i love it one of those little dickies but i understand that i'm different deviant you know but like the regular person is going to be like this dude's like almost not even like yeah you're a creep it's almost like you're like you're a loser like yeah you couldn't get

it when you sit at home and you fuck this rubber thing instead of like a real girl and it's like yeah whatever but also it's very easy putting my shit into to of like a real girl and it's like yeah whatever but also it's very easy to put my shit into to come you know what i mean it's not easy for us to put our hands like to make it's easy for you to make your hands vaginas it's not easy for us to make our hands dicks yes that's very good to like go like also it's much harder to come so you need some vibrating and some this and that yeah it takes a village it takes a lot of people it takes the village people and four men lot of people. It takes the village people. Four men of different ethnicities dressed as other ethnicities.

All forms of entertainment. Yeah. It does take, that's the problem for me with porn is like, I'm really jealous to hear it's like, oh, I'll just five minutes, pull something up. Like I talked to Andrew, my roommate or my ex-roommate, but like my podcast co-host, he still lives in the building. He, I always just, I'm like, if he talks about jerking off, I'm like, but like my podcast cohost, he still lives in the building. He, um, I always just, I'm like, if he talks about jerking off, I'm like, what did you watch?

And he's like, I don't even remember whatever was on the front page. And like, that's also sometimes a defense mechanism. Cause like I watched some fucking gross shit that I'm not gonna tell you. He's not being like, I I'll, he'll like look it up and go,

I don't even remember. And he'll like go through his thing. It really is just like, I don't know. I guess today I clicked on like the hottest, like, like, you know,

the top viewed for me. It's like a, it's a journey. Like I have to go through and find, because also I don't know, I guess today I clicked on the hottest, the top viewed. For me, it's a journey. I have to go through and find, because also, I'm a pleasure delayer. What does that say? You can just tell me.

220, we got to wrap up. Okay, sweet. I am, I am, 220, really? Right now? ETI.

Oh, okay, yeah. Well, we're going to go do Answer the Order. Oh, right, okay. Fuck. This sucks. What is your second? Is your second thing? Oh, God. Well, can't they wait? Oh, no, Yeah, well, we're going to go do Answer the Order. Oh, right. Okay. Fuck. Wait, what time is your second? Is your second thing?

Oh, God. Well, can't they wait? Oh, no, it's the guy that owns this fucking company. Okay, so I will say that I, what was I just saying? It takes me forever to look up. I will delay it. Like, I oftentimes, I'm about to come five minutes in, and then I'm like, no, I don't want this to be over.

Do you ever do that? Do you ever wait? Because you get sad afterwards. I'm like, oh. I don't get sad to be over. Do you ever do that? Do you ever wait? Because you get sad afterwards. I'm like, oh. I don't get sad afterwards. It's the best feeling you know it's over. But there's definitely like, I'm starting to watch this. And I realize this isn't good enough to come to.

Yes. So then I'll find something else. Then do you lose it ever? This is not worthy. When I'm with myself, no, I'll keep it up. Oh, my God. Sometimes I come and then I convince myself I didn't come. And then I keep watching.

And I'm like, oh, this fisting is disgusting. And I'm like, wait a second. You came, probably. Because this would be awesome if you didn't. And give it another minute and i'm like oh this thing's disgusting and i'm like ways to get you came probably because this would be awesome and like give it another minute and you'll be back you'll rev back up again and you'll like that yeah exactly well no it takes longer for me but um can we talk about my reality show before i go yes of course so you are the new kim kardashian yeah i mean how about that how about i didn't realize that i didn't you wrote me your text to me were so kind because you were the first one to say, I think this is going to be the big thing where people know you from.

I didn't know this was happening. I thought you were coming in to promote a book or whatever. Yeah, Boy Island 2. Yeah, yeah. And I saw that, and I was like, oh, this is the sort of thing where you get outside the bubble, and it's like people who might not know comedy, people who might not know you, are just like, oh, there's going to be people who know you from what's the name sorry uh it's called uh welcome home nikki glazer yeah so they might just be like oh i know nikki glazer from like her her uh reality show at home

in san luis with her family not the roasts and not the comedy and not the music and all that shit and that's the stuff where i think you really become like yeah household name type thing oh that's exciting i didn't think about it that way because I just yeah, I've always wanted to do a reality show and it is taking the place of the Kardashians. They just lost the Kardashians. I didn't plan it this way. Same time slot. Sunday at 9, May 1st.

Two episode premiere and it's me living at home in St. Louis and it really is like I don't know. We were talking about just like being real and trying to like I used to like kind of hate myself and like, like I think comedy was a defense mechanism for me just wanting to present myself a certain way and like make the joke before other people made it. And this is like really like,

I did not try to look hot. I tried, I didn't try. That's why it'll work because I do like, I feel like if you're going to be like Kim K hot and be popular for that, you got to become that whole thing. Yeah, I don't have that. I can't do that.

Otherwise, being like halfway is like. I don't have the money or the time off to heal from the surgeries. I don't know where these girls get the time. I know. All these girls that we're comparing ourselves to have all had surgery that takes time to heal. No, they don't clone. They store up pictures and they'll have papers of like future dates to hold up to like, so that they can go heal somewhere.

But these girls have all had facelifts at the age of 20 something. I mean, it's the new thing. And I, I'm like, I plan on doing that stuff for sure. But I don't know what I'm going to say. Don't knock the fucking hustle.

Yeah. If you do shit like that, that's also like a whole thing that people will appreciate. Yeah. I get it on camera. I think people are like, well, yeah, her ass is like amazing. but what does that surgery look like and if someone would document like how hard it is to go through it or how long it takes that would be wildly interesting

also may i recommend a sex tape because that seemed to work out for them i know i listen fuck on camera and then if i have always said that if my nudes ever come out or like sex little clips i've made, I would hate it and I will never put them out and be like, whoopsie, I didn't mean to. But I will greatly benefit if they come out. Ride that wave, girl. I will always protect them from coming out. They will always, I will protect my, like, I don't want to be hacked.

I'm not asking, I'm not like, this isn't me being like, do it. It will be horrifying and I will feel so violated. I'll feel so sad. But bad press is only good. It's only ever good. Of course it's bad. Unfortunately. It's not like you did something illegal.

No. It's embarrassing press. It's embarrassing. And it sucks for your family and stuff like that. And like you said, there is a part of me that I would keep a little bit of part of me private. There's a reason I'm not in porn. I would do porn if that was the thing that I wanted to show people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? And so there's a reason I keep it, but I would be able to live with myself if something came out. And if something came out from my past, that's like would get me canceled in terms of things I used to say on stage that do not fly now. I think I'd be okay too, even though I'd be so humiliated because I'd be like,

I didn't want that out. And I would never have wanted that. Like I, my, my goal is never to offend anyone. So I can just, I can kind of be okay now. If I get canceled,

what's going to, I really am like, yeah, I'll stop making money, I guess. But also, I lived with my parents for 10 months at the age of 35. I canceled myself and it was great.

I loved it. I got my laundry done. I got dinner. Cancel's awesome. It really was. You will be more than fine because this e thing let's say one more time it's called welcome home nikki glazer question mark and i thought e

exclamation mark and what time when sunday may 1st is when it premieres but it's you know and i just this isn't a cash grab for me i really didn't know that until you told me i did wasn't like i wanted a second season to be famous like i got to make a show with my friends and family in st louis it was like easy and fun i just and i like putting a version of a woman who some people not everyone put some perfection like like i look glossy even right now i had full hair and makeup i was up since six like getting beautiful this is not the way i look you see on that show the way i look and it's i think it's good for girls to see it and women absolutely yeah and that's what makes you a little more likable where it's like you don't have to be perfect all the time

and people find it you're normal you're relatable yeah I hope so that's when reality shows work you know when they're like oh that's just like what I do

I just hate the faux like this is me no makeup and you're like you're wearing tinted moisturizer and brown mascara that is you're still covering up

right so alright Sunday night welcome home Nikki Glaser is with a question mark yeah I'm Nikki Glaser. With a question mark. Yeah. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.