KFC Radio - Nimesh Patel || Stepson of Billionaire Trapped on Submarine is Gettin Loose on Twitter
Episode Date: June 22, 202300:00:00 Start 00:00:18 Submarine Billionaire's son 00:29:54 Jackie getting all of us sick 00:45:25 2 Bears 1 Cave on Sq**ting 01:03:32 Bert Kreischer's Fully Loaded Tour After Party 01:10:36 Manute B...ol Swimming - https://twitter.com/NBAMemes/status/1564715103336800257?lang=en 01:14:25 Bebe Rexha Gets Phone Smashed off of her Head 01:16:11 David Freese 01:21:42 Guy Fakes his own death to punish family 01:26:15 Morgue Worker 01:27:41 AITA Headphones in public 01:33:00 Nate Dogg is Going Through it 01:42:44 Voicemails 01:56:15 Nimesh Patel interview 02:00:30 Nimesh Patel on The success of the special 02:05:44 How Nimesh''s testicular cancer inspired his special 02:12:29 Dudes are telling Nimesh about their b*lls 02:15:46 Nimesh's mom didn't want him to talk about his cancer on stage 02:18:36 Nimesh's fake one 02:23:51 What would you have done with your special if you didn't get cancer? 02:26:35 Aziz Ansari having a flip phone is both awesome and a flex 02:29:45 Was the process of Testicular Cancer hard? 02:32:37 Photo of man who cut out own appendix: https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-32481442 02:35:02 Fun Facts Support our sponsors HeyDude Get 25% off almost everything at HEYDUDE.COM using code DUDE25 until 6/24 Gametime Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Turo Find your drive. Forget boring rental cars at https://bit.ly/3Lwerc1 BetterHelp Visit BetterHelp.com/KFC today to get 10% off your first month. HelloFresh Go to https://barstool.link/hellofreshKFC16 and use code kfc16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping! 3Chi Go to 3Chi.com and use promo code KFC15 to take 15% off your order. Must be 21 or older to purchase. Please use responsibly.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr
Transcript
Discussion (0)
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First date idea.
Take him somewhere that has a murder.
Take him somewhere really nice you can't afford and impress him.
Kill somebody.
Great idea.
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It's another edition of KFC Radio radio on the barstool sports network i can't this this british billionaire
stepson he's unbelievable i'm so thankful for him this guy i'm so thankful for him because
it's not that i'm against it it's just i don't feel comfortable with it like i i feel i i think it is weird how we all just
decided like let's make fun of these people so um but he's i'm not like i'm not offended by it i'm
not like don't do it but like i feel i would i wouldn't i would feel odd doing it but thank god
for him because then there's like the okay that's funny i can do that the video i literally just
posted i said i'm trying to be respectful of these people because there's a million conspiracy
theories i want to talk about and there are let's just be honest objectively
speaking a lot of jokes to make yeah but i'm not because there are five people are going to die on
it and that i learned there's a 19 year old kid on that it's it's his son the billionaire took
his son i didn't know there's two billionaires one one the kid's 19 and then there's the ceo
and then a famous french diver who goes on all these expeditions
yeah um and yes it's like the most horrific fucking way to go like it's terrible i think
i saw one tweet that was like someone texted their like engineer dad or whatever the fuck he is
and he's like they went and they went fast well right yeah yeah i'm sure it was just
and you're dead or whatever.
But there was probably at least a moment of like, oh, my God, we're dead or whatever, you know.
And if there was a driver tapping the control, the B button is not working.
This is what I mean.
These are objectively funny.
Like and that's why.
So there's two things. One, I found out how much the Ocean Gate CEO is a fucking lying asshole.
And this thing is just absolutely not safe enough.
And dozens, dozens of people in the industry told him not to do this.
Is this the Virgin Voyage?
No.
Because I know 140 people have been to the Titanic.
Is that a different sub?
No.
So I watched a couple of things on like the Ocean Gate YouTube channel, and it looks like they've done these expeditions before.
I'm not sure if they've taken people down.
Because you can go on the expedition, and you stay on the other boat, and you read charts, and you get to shadow people.
I think the only people who have gone down are the famous French diver who's now a part of the team, the CEO.
I don't know if
they've just done this like random billionaire thing yeah um i think those i think the other
billionaire guy has gone down in another like another james cameron's been right james cameron
went i don't know if he went though i think i think he like he was in the ship i think so yeah
i know i mean obviously he had a lot to do with Titanic. Um, so yeah,
like people have been down there.
It's not,
not totally,
but I think usually they go down in way,
way safer submarines.
They,
they like,
there's the video going around.
They use the controller,
which I'm sure is actually okay,
but it's just kind of like a weird,
like you're using a video game controller.
And then he's like this,
I got a camping world,
camper's world.
And these are old office supply shelves. And he says in the video, it's a little bit misleading, but he's like this i got at camping world campers world and these are old office supply
shelves and he says in the video it's a little bit misleading but he's like the main things we
we we went to nasa we went to these colleges we went to boeing these other things that we're
making though you can kind of like you know duct tape it together sort of thing and it's like
i don't think any of that yeah don't and then yeah on the plane when
they like use a piece of duct tape on the wing they're like no this is totally fine but it's
like make it look different not don't use the fucking gorilla tape on the fucking window paint
it a different color or something uh then i saw the letter in 2018 i read the letter from the marine
technology society they were like we are unanimously telling you this will end in
catastrophic negative events and also they said the tight the titan sub has passed the dnv sub
like safety safety standards and the letters like you've never even done the test and you're telling
people it passed and then there was a report that said this ship really is not safe below 1300 meters.
The Titanic's at 4000.
Like, they're not even fucking close.
So I learned all that.
And while I still feel bad for the, like, innocent people on board, I'm like, that guy, that's like criminal in my mind.
Is he on the ship?
Yes, the CEO's on it.
It's the CEO, the diver, the French, the British billionaire.
Oh, the CEO of, I thought you were saying of CEO. He's the ceo the diver the french the british billionaire oh the ceo of the other you're saying yeah he's he's the ocean gate and then the the pakistani billionaire with his son
and the british billionaire and that's the guy with the stepson so i think it's that guy's an
asshole there is a an element of like this is very rich people doing reckless shit because they can
and not that it's like i told you so or like something like
that like or like you know you get what you deserve it's not that bad but it is like this
was a very very this is like you know you jumped out of a plane with a parrot without a parachute
and you died and yeah what do you expect but i i like i went to space without a fucking suit
basically you know i can't make the jokes again not that make make them I don't give a fuck But I watched Everest recently and I cried
So I kind of lost my ability
To
Not lost my ability
Pussy you can't laugh about people dying
Fucking woke culture
PC bullshit dude
I can laugh about that
I can laugh about that
I do laugh about that
I will.
But it's not like ability as in like permission.
Just like I'm still remembering like the phone call to the wife in Everest.
I'm like, oh, it's a little home right now.
Dude, yeah, totally.
I mean, but to bring this all back, then there's the stepson who objectively is behaving like a fucking asshole.
And it's very funny.
It's,
it is almost like it's out of a script.
Like I do have,
it's,
it's too good.
Like I have reservations.
I'm like,
is this fucking,
it feels like an out of order.
Like,
it's like that,
that made me,
when people were like,
this is the stepson.
He's probably just in it for the money
like he's just waiting for that guy to die i was like come on like you don't know like that you're
taking a big fucking leave there but then you see this stuff and it's like well he's definitely not
broken up about it like you know uh i hope he's not in the will because if hamish could see how
he was acting i feel like you wouldn't want him in the will. The Blink-182 thing, the people who are saying, what do you want him to do?
Just stay at home?
First of all, yes.
Stay at home for a week.
It's been two days.
You can take a week off your social schedule.
You're more okay to go to the show if you know he's dead.
Yes, right.
I feel like it's a Sunday to be home with your mom being like, hey, are you okay?
That's the main thing. Okay, it's a sunny to be home with your mom being like hey are you okay that's the main thing okay it's your stepdad maybe maybe he married your your mom when you were like 30 and
you have no whatever connection to him but like your mom does yeah someone in your family is
probably sad why don't you go home for them also you can go to the concert you're not famous no
one's gonna know if you don't post on social media about it. So you can go if you want.
I think it's a little weird and not socially normal or acceptable, but it's definitely not cool to then post a picture of you smiling at Blink 182.
And then the latest him shooting a shot at an OnlyFans model.
She says, can I sit on you?
He quote tweeted and said, please follow it up with another tweet.
Please keep your family in my prayers.
That feels intentional.
That feels like I don't give a fuck.
And I'm just like, it is like out of a movie,
like the billionaire stepson who is just like,
this is like, you fucked my mom.
And like, ladies, I'm single.
Yeah.
Ladies just came into a bit of money.
You are looking for an older fat dude to settle down with like that
with a weird name is his name no his dad's name is his but his name is brian josh it is z s a s z
yeah i was like i don't know that one yeah the uh he also is like he's been to jail oh is he like
piece of shit oh yeah okay like then fuck this guy like um like been to jail for
harassing women it is said like still harassing women it is like yeah oh yeah he's like you
deserve nothing but i said i said new rule because people are like what is he supposed to do i think
there should be a moratorium you're not allowed to post on social media until your family members
have officially run out of oxygen if they only have 96 hours left to live,
you have a 96 hour ban on Twitter.
Dude,
if you're a real one,
do a fucking tick tock in front of the Rose and Jackson right now.
That is Brian wants to really become an internet legend.
We'll never forget you.
Fucking never.
The tick tock.
That's really the mom in the bed or the grandpa.
Yeah.
Dying grandma.
Yeah. I guess the renegade in front of the that was a great one
it's like my funniest one i've heard uh it is such a weird
like i i i ran through like after sorry just being in that mri, I was thinking about it. I mean, I wouldn't go in it on the ground, on Earth, let alone in the water.
I just wouldn't get inside that thing ever.
Yeah, it is.
To nail yourself into a coffin.
19 bolts that need to be undone from the outside.
Even if they got to the surface, you'd probably still be fucked.
Yeah.
I guess the good news is is the the positives of it
are like you're gonna die before you start to eat each other like you know what's crazy i read um
you know i read it was a headline tweet whatever it said cannibalism typically starts 17 to 36
hours into a tragic event really 17 hours is not even a fucking that's like you missed one meal
bro i've gone on benders where i didn't eat for fucking a whole weekend.
Exactly.
There's a story.
I think this might be what contributes to cannibalism.
There was a story about...
I've been wondering the whole time.
They're not even hungry.
We did just eat.
I could probably stuff it down.
If it's out there, if it's available.'s available no this is a I shouldn't even like
this is a real mood killer and we're already talking about
terrible shit but there were
women they were like lost at sea
on this ship and they were
there was women breastfeeding and they
like ravaged them for like their milk and
shit and like they got they got rescued and
the women start with the baby
no
clearly you're okay their milk and shit. They got rescued. Start with the baby, you know?
Clearly you're okay.
I don't have the ability to joke about this. When I say ability, I don't mean a conscience.
I don't have that.
I meant I didn't think I could be funny.
It turns out I can.
It turns out I got it.
I got it.
Turns out I got my fastballs still.
The women were, like, severely more dehydrated than, like, everyone else in this situation.
Sucking titty.
Yeah.
Which is fucking nuts.
So maybe, like, if that counts as capitalism.
My nipples are tender, dude.
The chef was just sucking on them.
Can I get a break, please?
But if you, if I was, if we were trapped somewhere and, like, 17 hours in, you were like, let's kill Pavs and eat him.
Bro!
Bro!
Let's make it through the weekend before we kill the guy and eat him.
He hasn't even growled yet.
I'm like, yeah, I'm not even hungry.
I hope they get rescued.
I do.
And just so like,
because everyone's got their body cams going
and stuff like that.
Just for the video of like...
The conversations and the shit like...
I'm sure everyone must be so relieved.
They must have been so worried.
Like, I don't know.
Don't check Twitter.
You were the butt of the joke immediately.
Yeah, you guys thought you were heroes.
You're going to want to avoid the internet for quite some time.
You expect to come on the Canyon of Heroes?
Don't worry, San Francisco.
I imagine they left from San Francisco.
I survived.
You fucking idiots.
There is something.
There's a bunch of people waiting in the dock and eat the rich shirts.
There is two things at play.
One is the world loves a trap situation.
They've only got so many hours to live, whether it's the Chilean miners or the –
what was the one where Elon Musk was like, I'm going to go save them?
That was Cave.
Yeah, Cave.
That one was a big one. But then a guy saved them and Elon Musk was like, I'm going to go save them? That was Cave. Yeah, Cave. That one was a big one.
But then a guy saved them, and Elon Musk was like, you're a pedophile.
Yes.
Would you save a bunch of boys?
Yeah.
You want to fuck them?
What?
That was crazy.
He didn't get enough shit for that.
That should be absolutely legal trouble.
And then this one, people love.
It's sick, but people love that shit.
And then the second factor is people just don't have any any sympathy if you have money no sympathy yeah like doesn't matter
yeah they are you were reckless and it was negligent or whatever like you did something
a little crazy but it's just like you rich you deserve to die okay i i agree billion should pay
more taxes i'm also like i don't know they should survive in person they don't know. They should survive. They should fuck in person. They don't get to, you know, they don't have to die. The, um, I actually sneaky think that there might be something eerily blissful about dying this way.
If they ran out of oxygen.
Um, cause like, if you think about it, you're, you know, I guess really my only vantage point of this is movies.
But like when someone jumps out of a tall building, they kind of have like that.
Yeah.
Like.
You let go.
When you just know it's over.
I think.
It's over.
If I had, like, if it was a full submarine and it was like, I'm just going to go to my
bed, lay down, go to sleep and probably never wake up because I'll run out of oxygen.
You're crammed in with five dudes, two of which are having a panic attack.
Three.
You kill the guys having a panic attack three you kill
the guys having a panic totally like dude i'm talking all the oxygen i'm finding enlightenment
before i die fucking eat this guy real quick i didn't find them enlightenment with a belly full
of person and covered in blood i got it yo honestly you want to do a good skit the guy who eats
everybody being like they're never gonna find me
and then and then they find them and they're running tests and they're like you gained weight
you you look well you look very hydrated full you're you're not you're not showing any of the
signs of stress like you're actually one of them are you have the same vitals as joe rogan there's just bones in the fucking thing i mean
you so my mind starts freaking out about all these like when you when the first guy who says
assuming it wasn't just like right you're just dead the first guy who's like we only have like
40 hours of oxygen left and there's five of us.
So, you know, that's probably only going to be like how many, you know,
then you start thinking, well, if he was dead, that's another 10 hours. You know, if he's dead, if I'm the only one left, I could survive for another,
you know, and I think that's how it works.
Right.
There's less people breathing.
So I'm sure when you're on, it depends on the type of person you are.
Somebody finds enlightenment.
Somebody else probably is like
I'm going to kill this guy, I'm going to strangle this kid
to death, like, because I, especially
when you're a billionaire who like is used to your getting your
ways and shit, you're probably like
okay, I'm going to kill you all. I'd immediately
be like, just so you know
if you start killing people
that exertion takes up the oxygen
it equals out. Yeah, right.
I mean, I
guess I guess
if it's not just a quick one,
you just sit there.
You're tight the whole time.
I feel like maybe it's over.
I would hope that they
bring some
cyanide pill or something or you just cut your wrist
or whatever.
If they have that,
I like to take risks.
I'm fairly adventurous. I'm moderately adventurous. You put me on something
just in case this goes wrong we do have suicide pills.
I'm out.
I don't need to see a shipwreck that bad.
My dad was like I would go on that.
He was like if I had the money I would do that.
Really? I have no interest in that.
In watching Everest recently,
I do have interest in seeing that,
that beauty.
Like I'd be too scared underwater.
That view,
that,
that vista I am interested in,
but I,
the,
again,
watching the movie,
like the,
the scariest thing you have to do like eight times.
Cause you have to keep,
you go up to base camp one,
come back down. Up to base camp two, come down and like the scariest most dangerous part or one of them
is like the first thing you do leaving base camp but i'm not doing that eight times that's crazy
yeah yeah no that's nuts i mean people don't understand how deep the ocean is it's like
it's like going to space just backwards they they said 40 to 50 meters is where scuba divers,
the deepest scuba divers can go.
Military submarines go 300 meters.
You lose all light at 1,000 meters,
and they're going to 4,000.
That's why it doesn't interest me.
It's all dark.
Well, I guess, so also the joke everyone was making about
you just did it all to see it on a TV screen i you can see there's like a glass thing yeah there was like a lot i
think there is a tv screen but there is also you get to see it with your own eyes when i thought
it was just a tv screen i was like that is you could just send the fucking rover down there and
just get the same effect right but there is you can see it and then there's like cameras there
was a camera i think outside and i guess they have their own lights so it looked like you could see
into the the bubble of you seeing outside the glass it is a cool shot yeah but it's just a
cool picture it's not fucking worth going down there 5 000 likes on ig dude that is i don't
think of them getting mad at the ceo like as he's flipping through like map quest directions because
he's lost in the titanic come on man left here i think your parents getting those map quest fights
yo that i mean that guy being like everything we're good we're good we're good
i don't know how much longer they're gonna keep believing this
it really is it's within tragedy there is very you know you can find a lot of funny
there is just a lot of
humorous thoughts that can go along with how dark this is but also you know it's so fucked up they
like they heard noises today yeah the second half of that tweet was like it's not them oh really it
was just like that like or or like they like they couldn't confirm whether it was them or not and
that was it you know they're also i think everybody i saw one guy who was like i think in the navy who was like uh it's over guys yeah they're like so let's assume they could find
them and he was like okay let's assume they could find them like it's it's needle in a haystack i
saw someone say it's like trying to find a mine in a minefield yeah yeah there's no there's just
no way they're using planes though that's cool you would think like they can you can like send sonar down and then it can penetrate and bounce back up or whatever
so it's like planes boats and subs trying to find it and like the one boat is in boston that it's a
it's got a craned machine and uh it was a thousand miles away so they're like by the time we get
there but they said they were like um like how difficult is it to away. So they're like, by the time we get there, but they said they were like, um, like how difficult is it to pick something up?
And they're like,
it's like playing the crane game.
Like it's probably not going to get them.
Uh,
so it's just like,
I think when it's,
when something is so out of the ordinary,
you're,
you know,
you can't imagine like if you're somebody,
your family got hit by a car or dies from cancer or you know these things that
happen when it's like god bless
thank you it's like my dad decided
to go on a fucking
tin can to the bottom
of the god damn ocean
and it didn't go well like people are just like that's
that's ridiculous you know but it is
it's like there's just five dead people
guys yeah
it's crazy what people some people deem as a tragedy.
You know, there's five people in a shooting.
There would be lobbyists and people protesting and all that shit.
Five people died doing this.
I guess it is, though.
It's like you sign a waiver.
You take a risk.
You die.
If somebody dies skydiving, no one's going to say, like, put an end to skydiving.
But when I found out how much the industry was like,
stop doing this.
And they were just like, nope.
How are you even allowed to do that?
It's fucking crazy.
I guess a waiver
lets you do anything you want.
And you make it $250,000 a pop
so the only people who can do it
are the people with money who don't ever get told no
and want to get the craziest high and the craziest adrenaline.
That was once a bunch of billionaires died doing what they love,
ignoring regulations and wasting a certain amount of money.
There you go.
Hamish Harding, the British billionaire who does expeditions,
is straight out of a Dan Brown novel.
It's like the Da Vinci Code guy.
It's like you are a walking book character so he probably is like yeah i died yeah whatever
like this is how i wanted to go out yeah like put me down in the history books but i hope
blingway two stinks to my son tonight that guy dude i mean it is like it has the only fans chick replied like has like like yeah it is an instant uh if you want
your your internet attention like do something with his stepson right now god damn he'll probably
you know what he'll probably get a offer from like vivid pictures yeah you know we heard we heard you
like there's a million dollars or a hundred thousand dollars whatever they offer that no
one's ever taken once because no one ever will. But good publicity. Crazy.
I mean, when people say like no amount of money for me to do that, and I'm always like,
yo, there's a price legit, especially again, after going to that MRI tube and just having
a weird attack, I think you could offer me all of those guys money, like hundreds of
billions of dollars.
And I think I would say no.
Yeah, I'm probably with you. all of those guys money, like hundreds of billions of dollars. And I think I would say no. I,
yeah,
I'm probably with you.
Even,
even like,
even if they said,
we're going to just go down a hundred meters,
you go down and come back up.
The idea of being bolted in.
I just like,
what if that guy,
the guy who's supposed to open it,
just what if he falls and hits his head?
I don't know.
What if he,
what if he decides,
uh,
actually I,
you know,
I've been waiting for my moment to kill all you people.
That was another thing.
It's like,
I was in my head. I'm coming up with my own conspiracy kill all you people. That was another thing. I was in my head.
I'm coming up with my own conspiracy theories and storylines.
If you wanted to disappear, this would be the way to do it.
Yeah.
Because any way you fake your death, there has to be a body.
There has to be an investigation.
But this, I'll pay $250,000 and then we disappear
and the remains are never found because
it's impossible to find us you can just go
start a new life that's true I mean
that's a good one it's a cool like it's a cool plot right
or you know or a more
nefarious one like if you ever wanted
to take somebody out now would be the time to do it
so either way there's when
two billionaires go missing
somebody stands to gain money.
Somebody stands to benefit from that.
But I was thinking to myself, too, I was like, the last time the world was juiced up like this, there was a boy in a balloon.
And that ended up all fake.
Imagine if these guys are just sitting at home like, yo, we just want an internet clout.
We got a new podcast coming out because i mean this is more media attention than you know you can ever concoct yeah
but um i think imagine up mad people actually i don't know so so few people are are emotional
about it that i don't think they'd be mad yeah you know if you like stage like a school shooting
and and you know people were like we like wept over that and it turned out to be fake this is
like okay whatever we we thought you guys were assholes anyway now we've confirmed yeah we know
you guys are dicks um but yeah like 250 million dollars get in there i don't think i could do it it's the the the confinement is not my thing either
well i mean it's i've had i've i've gone like scuba diving where i like
started a panic attack not panic attack but just like which i guess is a panic attack whatever uh
like the second i was like fully submerged just the idea of breathing again yeah you get weird
same yeah but i get very weird which is the idea of like breathing underwater in deep depths like yeah i don't the light thing too
like you are in like how the fuck do you know i mean i guess you have gps and shit but
how do you know and and really legit i was joking about it but like we've you've made this argument
a million times before bluetooth is just not ready yeah this is not ready to do all that shit yeah
i'm back on the fucking headies.
Let's go.
Give me those wires, baby.
I bought like five pairs the other day.
I was just so sick of Bluetooth.
You know what you're going to do is lose five pairs of this stuff too.
I'm not good at having two of one thing.
I don't keep as good care of it.
Right, because you're like, I have a backup.
I got another one.
If I don't have another one, I got to keep this.
Yeah, I mean, you this. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, you know, I think the weirdest part is you just we just have to stop talking about this.
There's not going to be an end.
Yeah.
You know, it's like kind of like the Malaysian plane.
Like eventually people just go like, all right, they're gone, guys.
Like, stop.
It's no longer search and rescue.
As a matter of fact, we're not even doing recovery.
They're just gone.
Like, that's why it's the best way to disappear because they just fucking stop looking for you but at some point like i'm sure there's some reporter who's like getting all his
followers right now and he's just gonna keep writing about this forever and ever but it'll
be a wrap for uh like private private expeditions like this i'm pretty sure you think so i i or or like uh
i guess not i guess like you said the waiver like if you agree to do anything you agree to do
anything but like that that marine technology society their letter was like we as an industry
pride ourselves on never having these happen and when you do this it fucks our shit up like we're the ones who do it
correctly but now this whole industry is going to take a hit if you don't so i'm i think those
people will like not allow it to happen anymore because it like you can't do it in a safe way you
know i i i think stew said maybe he's on monday's episode where he said something that i agree with
where he was like this it used to be his own be his bad press. Now there is bad. Yeah.
I think this applies to the old thinking of it.
But people are like, whoa, you can take submarines down like really deep.
And like maybe they won't go that deep.
But like, yeah, like let's go halfway.
Yeah.
Like, oh, you check out this ship, right? Like I think it brings attention to like the excuse me, the exploration you can do.
And I bet there are more people who are like whoa
i didn't know you could do that you know what is really weird that again it's financially
prohibitive to most people right right what what is at the heart of all this is the world's
obsession with the titanic when you really think about like how much the world the movies and the
specials and the we talk about it and the references and the wreckage it's like the titanic is a weird way like who fucking cares there was
nobody that we it's not like the president was on it it's not like i mean i'm sure there was
some important people but we don't i don't i couldn't name one person the most important
people on the titanic made up yeah right it's a necklace was there at the bottom of the ocean like
yeah all of the lore of Titanic is made up.
And then when you learn, when you see it next to what a cruise ship looks like today, it wasn't even big.
There's nothing appealing about this boat.
Jack wasn't real.
Rose wasn't real.
The diamond wasn't real.
The boat's not big.
What the fuck do we care about?
Nobody should give a fuck about this, and yet it consumes pop culture.
Apparently, the wreckage is getting eaten, too.
There's a bacteria.
Makes sense, yeah.
But apparently, it's a bacteria that eats metal.
They're trying to use it.
We could get rid of garbage this way and shit.
So the wreckage is like, there's not going to be much more wreckage.
So you're right.
I'm sure people are going to be like, we got to get down there while we can.
Yeah.
I'll take, you know. Or i'm i'm a 80 year old
billionaire i don't care if i die like let's fucking rock sure there'll be somebody to see
something we actually the other day on the episode that you weren't on i was saying that um i think i
think i saw like jordan woodruff was doing like rating dating profiles and i was thinking what
my date profile would be like and i was like the only line i would have or the most important line
to have,
was everything I like, I like the appropriate amount.
You're not going to get me,
you're going to see me doing some weird shit about something.
I'm not going to go see the Titanic.
I'm interested in that.
Oh, that's pretty cool.
That's enough.
A wreckage, but that's it.
I don't need to go see it. I got to go feel what it was like.
It really is a healthy dose of narcissism
to be like, i have to experience this
thing yeah rather than just be like that's an interesting thing that happened in the world
whether or not you see it with your own eyes or touch it with your hands like who fucking cares
talk about it watch the movie the movie was dope i don't need to see that's it we don't need any
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That's 25% off almost everything at heydude.com using code DUDE25. But speaking of yesterday,
of the day episode you weren't on,
Jackie sat there,
I sat here.
She said to me as she sat down,
just so you know, I confirmed to have strep throat.
And I feel myself getting sick right now.
Nice.
Great.
Same mic, huh?
Cool, cool, cool.
And she literally does it.
That's why she's not here right now.
The manager of Shavesy Radio.
She does have strep throat.
Great.
But the other thing she said on that show was she made fun of –
she said I was ugly, and I don't disagree with her.
This bitch.
But she was like – she's like, those just aren't your colors.
You're a winter color person.
You're in summer colors right now.
What were you wearing?
Just white tee and tan shorts.
And I did have on an orange hat.
And so now I'm just in full winter colors.
Yeah, I see that.
You are.
But.
Yo, if you want John, like anybody can make John do something.
Like a stranger on the street can just say something to him and he will change
everything about himself it's amazing
but there has been a development
since then
for someone who
doesn't look good in summer
colors Jacqueline
would someone who doesn't look good in summer colors
be asked to be on Summer House
yo
yeah I don't know how official it is it was like they be asked to be on Summer House? Yo! Yeah?
I don't know how official it is.
It was like they asked a friend of ours to be like, would he come on?
What do you think my answer was, Kevin?
Bro, you gotta.
I didn't even hesitate.
I was like, no.
I mean, there's no chance, but you gotta. It wasn't like it like it was i got a tax it was
like i'm with some producers summer house would you go on okay let's play the game then what's
your number i don't i honestly because getting in a fucking death can and going 12 000 feet under
the sea is different than going on a reality show i i you you watch summer house yeah your face very
much said it there.
Summer House is the one where they just kind of, like,
live their normal lives now, right?
They just, like, paired up, and they're dating,
and it's kind of like... New York people, like, New York people,
like, they all had normal jobs, all of that,
and it was super, like, way more realistic,
and now they're just all kind of, like, influenced.
Yeah, that's so...
As I understand it, it used to be like, oh, he cheated on her, and they're just all kind of like influence yeah that's so what as i understand it used to be like oh he cheated on her and they're fucking and they're secretive and they
this guy's making money and this guy's fighting whatever and then they got famous and they're all
like dating each other and like we don't want to fuck up the bag so we just kind of like
we just like it's like a boring like they just watch us live a little bit i i would be like this
is the dumbest thing ever bro can you please do it
wouldn't it be so funny if john just came in he like kicks in the door and he's drinking like i
don't know just like be your grossest self not even drinking like alcohol i want you i want you
drinking like a fucking milkshake eating a banana ripping a cig you're like what's up pussies like
just be the biggest stereotype in the world fucking thing yeah i'd ruin the show i think they would love it there's also fucking stupid talking about
this is so dumb i i mean i've been told before like by other people you should be on summerhouse
well i have unfortunate news it is officially not going to happen
come on they were like you go to the handsonds every week. I was like, that's not a selling point.
That's a negative to me.
What if, yeah, that's like four hours, right?
Yeah.
Are they taking you by helicopter?
I mean, I'm sure it's a sick house.
It's pretty sick.
I'm sure I see.
I obviously see the value in it.
This isn't like a, this is a bad segue from trying to get talked into.
I'm not doing this.
Yeah.
But this is my two.
I have a second thing I won't do.
If the whole internet told you to do it, maybe we could.
I want the whole internet to tell John to go on something else.
Guess what?
We'll see it, motherfuckers.
My only hard rule, my only hard no before this was I'm not going back to college.
The other one is I'm not doing a reality television show.
I will only do reality TV for Barstool Sports
and they pay me nothing.
I was going to say, you've done reality TV.
Bro, you could go on to that show
and it would be a cakewalk.
I'm sure.
Like they don't do anything even remotely
as mentally like racking
as Barstool Sports has been for the last decade
I don't even mean that I mean like the literal reality
show they were like we weren't here yet but they
just came in they're like can you do it this month
I'm like I don't know why you're asking me like I have an
opinion like I have a say in this like
whatever the fuck you decide I'll fucking
do um and so
yeah I'll do that but I won't do
this for money and fame and success
like anybody who goes on that show just like has a career all of a sudden like nah man i'm good
what if i told you what if you went on there and it was like and and out of order somehow because
of that became like the biggest fucking thing going i mean this is a bigger selling point than Out of Order. This show we currently
do that is
very big and goes on the
road and stuff like that.
That actually was the only
when I got
this text, I was with
Out of Order.
Sass was like, dude,
you'll sell a lot of tickets.
And I was like, that was my only moment of being.
Bro, you're very charming.
A lot of people will like you.
Too bad.
More people dislike me, first of all.
Second of all.
No, they don't.
You say that.
I think you just really dislike me.
Yeah, that's it.
Bro, you would be such a star because you'd be the anti.
You're the anti-hero. You're the anti-hero.
You're the anti-hero of reality TV.
I'll be the Walter White of Summer House.
Like, the amount of douchebags who have been on TV.
And, like, you'll probably look it when you first show up.
Right?
I mean, don't get me wrong.
Face value.
They're going to be like, douchebags.
But, like, one episode in, they're going to be like, this guy.
This guy rocks.
This dude rules.
He eats at night.
He fucking snores.
I would take Summer House to the people who don't like reality TV
where I'd just be like,
you couldn't do it because of the snoring.
They'd kill you in your sleep.
It would be amazing.
Producers would
come to themselves
to have you to work with.
This guy here ruined snacks
and snored in his sleep.
That was unbelievable.
And he's not fucking anybody.
All the girls were like,
I'll suck your dick.
And you're like, no, man,
I got to eat this pickle
and watch this movie.
Why don't you guys go to bed
and hang out in the hot tub alone?
Oh, you would be a dream.
I would be roofying everybody
just so they went to bed, though.
I'm like, all right, finally get to fucking relax now.
I'm dragging people to their bed, tucking them in.
Go hang on the pool for a bit Pop on a movie Now my summer starts Dude
What do you think it was that like
Like
Why now?
I don't know
You think you did something recently?
I don't know
The
I can see
Did you make an appearance on something?
I don't think so
I'm like so
I don't know if it's allergies or what
But shit sucks bro
The I don't know what I can read I can't know if it's allergies or what, but shit sucks, bro.
I don't know what I can read.
I can't.
But the, yeah, it doesn't.
I just checked.
It doesn't say any particular reason.
Maybe it was a Chris Hemsworth video.
Hey, you never know.
That might be it.
By the way, did we talk about Chris?
Oh, no.
We didn't talk about that?
No. Oh, the other thing is escorting. Yes, what i'm talking about all right so two things honestly that's why
it must be the fact that we scored water because as soon as he's hemsworth i went i bet you've been
yeah it wasn't because of the water
so 100 ch Chris Hemsworth like Bogarted that footage for himself,
like held onto that shit.
Right.
So we get rid of our opening scene for our vlog.
I think not.
We,
which by the way,
that's okay.
Yo,
totally.
That's why it was so crazy.
So we said,
you know,
we told the story on the podcast,
John opened the bottle of water.
It exploded everywhere. We turned to the cameraman. I said, did you get that? He said, you know, we told the story on the podcast. John opened the bottle of water. It exploded everywhere.
We turned to the cameraman.
I said, did you get that?
He said, absolutely.
And then we were told by both Netflix and apparently through the grapevine of Chris Hemsworth people.
We don't know for sure because we didn't try ourselves.
Right.
That was through our person, through their person.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.
So that was a seven layer dip of people.
They said, we don't have the footage either.
I was like, okay, this seems weird.
And in my head, I'm going, this is how stupid the industry is,
that they probably think, oh, get rid of that.
That was a mistake.
Meanwhile, it's the most important footage of the whole thing.
Oh, ye of little faith, whoever does Chris Hmsworth's uh social media and vlog great job by
them but they put out his new york city vlog the opening and closing scenes are is the footage of
john opening the bottle and us like laughing about the water going everywhere so they obviously had
the footage and just flat out lied to us and said no, when they could have said, hey, we got the footage,
and we're going to put it on Chris Hemsworth's vlog,
and then post it to his Instagram account
that has 57 million followers.
And we would have said, okay.
Got it.
Got it.
It's like them being like,
we're going to use this scene in the Avengers.
Don't tell them though
it's like we would have gladly just let you do it and just been and probably would have like i mean
i shared the vlog anyway so it ends up working but i would have like promoted the fuck out of it and
and all that shit it's an honor to be on thor's vlog yeah it's better to him to post it than us
to post it we were we were on it was not a fast cut either we were on there for quite a bit And then the very end is like
Like a
A one liner or something you say
It's like they cut back to it
And it's like you're like the interview's over
Or whatever it fucking was
It's awesome
It's great
Did we ever put the footage out
Because we have the footage
We have you filming the reaction And now we put the footage out? Because we have the footage. We have you filming the reaction,
and then now we have the footage.
It doesn't have the full.
It doesn't capture how absurd it was.
He must have pressed record as it was happening.
Because the full, like,
there is a couple times in life
that you can't look cool,
and one of them is an exploding bottle
where you're like, oh!
It's like, who cares? It's just like some sparkly water
is going to spill, but the whole like, oh no,
what do I do? You just look like an asshole
and feel like an asshole. It's like you can't trip.
If you trip, you look like an asshole no matter what.
It would be crazier if I opened it
and just didn't move. Oh, that would be great.
Just keep staring at my face. It was just overflowing
onto your dick and you're like, so, tell me about the Avengers, Chris.
What are you doing?
Mate.
I also, the back at you was so much worse than I remember.
He did.
Like, the zoom in on his face.
He does like a shuffle.
He's like, ah, yeah.
Back at you.
He literally goes,
I don't know what to say to this fucking guy.
Back at you.
Brutal, brutal.
So we do have.
XL.
I'm telling you, I'm still, I haven't launched it yet,
but we're going to have a full-blown crusade against the fashion industry.
Bro, there's no way you fit good in a large.
You're just fucking that.
Your body is that.
I honestly don't.
I just said that to piss me off.
Yeah.
No, I'm probably an XL.
I don't even know why.
You asked for t-shirt sizes, Nick?
Yeah.
No fucking way he's a large.
Can you say why?
Is there like some...
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm probably an XL. I always say me a medium they say get me both i it depends
like i'm i'm either a larger so you know what i did i found a fucking custom t-shirt company
that uh if i knew my measurements i probably could get it directly but who in the world knows
their chest measurements and their inseams but it asks you some deeply personal questions.
Uh,
and like,
well,
like not deeply personal,
but like some of them are like,
do you like your shirts like longer or shorter?
But then one of them is like,
click which shape represents your body the best.
And it's just like,
there's a guy who's shredded and a guy who is a little less in shape and a
little less in shape.
And then there's a guy who's like shaped like a fucking pear. And then there's a guy who's like grossly obese. And you little less in shape and a little less in shape and then there's a guy who's like shaped like a fucking pear and then there's a guy who's
like grossly obese and you're like well i'm not that but i'm not that oh i'm probably that and
you gotta fucking click it and then you know they sent it to me and it's like looks like a white t
shirt from a rapper in 2003 it's like down to my knees i also have a weird like dwarf body where my
my torso is way too big like proportionally i'm like i'm like six
feet tall but my my legs are probably that of like a fucking five seven guy and my torso is probably
that of like a seven foot like an nba player who's like wingspan is like seven two was the opposite
yes you know what i think i would we would have been if i wasn't just a gigantic piece of shit
as a swimmer i think they have long torsos short legs that are just like flippers but but yeah uh so maybe that's if because we i've been making a lot of merch recently and i'm
like if people if people will pay a little bit more money and i can promise them just a plain
ass t-shirt that's made from like a thicker material that will fall right and it isn't maybe
as expensive as some of the brands you're talking about i'll fucking make those but yeah but the people the reaction is always the same
it's like are you gonna sell a t-shirt for more than 17 dollars like yes yes because they all
suck when they're 17 you fat assholes you look like shit every day because you're wearing shitty
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Can you hear my belly growling
through the mic because it's so loud?
Can you? Okay, good, because it's so loud. Can you? Okay, good.
Because it's so loud to me right now.
Yeah, Jesus.
So, yeah, that I'll still be on my T-shirt crusade.
Fuck the industry.
I texted John as soon as I heard this.
The latest two bears, one cave.
Bro, there's another moment.
I actually screen recorded it.
It's so funny.
They're talking about learning other languages and shit.
And Bert just goes, where is it?
I screen recorded it.
Okay, I'll learn Arabic.
What are some popular Arabic phrases?
More hummus, please. Oh, no, thank you. What are some popular Arabic phrases? More hummus, please.
Oh, no, thank you.
I don't want to be beheaded.
That fucking killed me.
Fucking slayed me.
He was so wildly inappropriate
talking about other languages.
But to lead off the show,
they had a discussion that I,
well, we just got to give them credit.
Like, you go listen to their podcast and hear them talk about it. But it's a discussion we have well we just got to give them credit like uh you go go listen to their
podcasts uh and and hear them talk about it but it's a discussion we have to have too
and i can't believe it's one that we haven't had and bert's bert is is 100 right and 100
wrong all at the same time because he says that squirting is fake and he equated it to cow tipping. And he said cow tipping
is not real either.
And I think that's wrong too. No, that's true.
That nobody's ever tipped a cow?
Cows just lay down.
The thing with cow tipping is you knock them over,
they can never get back up again. Right.
Cows lay down.
Yeah, but I think people do tip cows.
I think you might be able to
knock them over, but like... But they lay down to sleep? Yeah. So think you might be able to knock them over. But like.
But they lay down to sleep?
Yeah.
So it's pretty hard to tip a conscious cow.
Yeah.
Well, he's saying that like nobody has ever.
I mean, people have.
I'm guaranteeing people have tried to do it.
Even maybe it started as like an urban legend.
Right.
But people have since, I'm sure, tried to do it.
But anyway, his point was, it's like cow tipping. It's not have since i'm sure tried to do it but anyway his point
was it's like cow tipping it's not real you've just heard about it tom was like i went to school
in wisconsin they tip cows there and he was just like no they don't so i don't know if tom was you
know whatever but anyway he's his point was that he thinks that uh squirting is not real
um which is wrong but what is true is that it's just become a thing in the last i would say 10
years when you think about it now maybe a little i'm trying to think of like when cytheria and
flower tucci were for floating around but for the general public i don't think people were squirting
with any sort of regularity until very recent years i agree with that in terms
of like you know we're talking about society and civilization you know if you were to draw a
fucking map of it a line of it it would just be a speck at the very most recent years of squirting
i would largely agree with that very largely agree with that but also that's just how things work once they become acceptable like if if you trace homosexuality back very low
until everyone's like all right we're gonna stop beating the shit out of them for it yeah
and then it was like shot up and then yeah but there's even like something like squirting
what doesn't didn't you know there wasn't like any violence against it but it wasn't like now
now it's hot now it's cool well i mean it's it's
the proliferation of porn is really what did it yeah but i i think that i mean we didn't even like
we didn't let chicks have like credit cards until like 1975 yeah we didn't let them like you know
have jobs until very recently we weren't trying to make them come ever we were like put it
in you know like slap your mistress around and then see you later and nobody ever gave a shit
about it so i think that squirting became a thing once once it was like once you saw it on porn and
we're like that was cool i want to do it but nobody was initially like let me try to make
girls come so hard oh my god wow this is a crazy thing that's happening yeah on a large scale i i would think like it only became not
necessarily popular but like even the thing like i mean it is we like i think it is pretty proven
it's like it's just it's p in a sense it comes in the same tubes it's got p in it whatever right
but like i think the first time it happened was probably just like a woman peeing the bed
like he's like we're having sex
she's like alright I gotta pee he's like no right now
and they start fucking and she's like
I gotta pee and so she just
pees everywhere and he's like what the fuck is that piss
and she's like no it's
cum
from you fucking me so good
it's yellow cum that smells like pee.
He's like, oh, it's from fucking you?
Hell yeah, it is.
That's what I got.
Go tell the boys about it.
Fellas, I made fucking Stephanie cum last night.
You guys might want to check it out.
They were like, well, his wife can do it.
So they're like, I'll just piss the bed too.
This is a society of women. They get together like I had to piss the bed too. This is a society of women.
They get together like I had to piss the bed
to keep Tom happy.
Bob's been fucking, his wife's a warchief,
comes everywhere.
Stephanie, what are you doing? I'm just pissing.
No, but there's been
enough people who are like, I
pissed before we were having sex
and then I squirted everywhere.
It's coming from a different place.
Like we said, it goes through a tube that maybe has a little p left over so it has the
scent or the look but it's just decidedly not i also i just describing the if it walks like a
duck and talks like sure it smells like it looks like it but when he was talking about it like
like you it really really, I mean,
there's a lot of things that I'd have to imagine just started in the grand
scheme of things.
Like,
I don't think girls were given sloppy top the way they are now until
everything,
like the nineties,
the world just started.
Like,
bro,
you like the,
the grand scheme of it, it all just began.
We were talking about, like,
when gay people definitely shot up,
and this isn't my chart,
but I've seen a chart around
that, like...
Bro, do you know when people started
being lefties?
What?
Like, being, like, lefty.
That just hasn't been a thing since the beginning of time?
I think it was 74.
1974, there was a huge uptick in who's lefty.
Because we stopped beating the shit out of people for writing with their left hands.
Right, you would whack them.
Like, yeah, it shot up.
Because we were like, we should probably stop beating the shit out of kids who are left-handed.
Yeah, like there's enough stuff that is really like the 70s was a pretty,
like there's a lot of things that started in the 70s.
Like the 70s?
Yeah.
That's starting to sound old now.
My parents were teenagers when left-handers started existing.
Outside of the shadows.
Sure, in seedy, dark bars.
You could use the other hand.
People were drinking with their left hands but back alleys never never
like there's just no way that was spoken about amongst civilized people i mean even if you think
about sloppy head it alex cooper made gluck gluck like a thing like yesterday yeah like we were people were
making the noises like like like girls were not giving head like this until very very very
recently like no one in the great depression was doing that no one no one no one you know
in the industrial revolution was laying over the fucking side of the bed right or if they were it was like you know
they were being forced to uh but but all that being said it probably happened here and there
squirting right yeah like like way back you know what i mean like in greek orgies and shit i'm sure
there were some chicks who were just getting fucked or like whoa and that must have been like i'm sure they called the priest in you know what
i mean i'm sure they were like oh call the priest like there's a demon inside this girl or some
shit you know like now it is killed she's pissed on me they absolutely burned him at the stake
immediately we throw him in the water yeah bricks on their feet the chick pissed on me get rid of
her she's a witch but I don't know Because inherently
There is something inherently awesome
As a guy that you go like
Holy shit
I wanna do that
So even back then
When we hated chicks
I feel like they were probably like
That was fucking cool
Yeah
You know
For sure
It also must feel like
The guy
The first guy who did it
Must have been like
The first guy who started fire
Yes
Right like
But also because like You're like My god first guy who did it must have been like the first guy who started fire yes right like but also
because like you're like my god like they bro the power you feel when you do that to somebody is
second to none is it what a girl feels every time because there's you have the visual evidence you
fucking right yeah yeah like when a guy comes hard it like explodes everywhere
well we were otherwise i just have the word of someone i kind of trust yeah like i don't know
how often you're honest with me so about anything yeah but but we were just having the conversation
recently with jackie where you know she was saying like girls don't even think about like how much a
guy comes but she kind of she kind of said like if it's a lot, I get, like, pumped up.
But if it's a little, I don't care.
But I guess that's similar to squirting, where it's like, when it goes off, you're like.
To an extent.
Yeah.
Then eventually it's like.
Well, that's.
It's enough already.
The problem is eventually you're, like, you know, you're setting up a Dexter room every time you have sex.
And it's like, this is just the whole fucking production.
I'm buying three mattresses a year.
This is getting out of hand.
Every time you have sex, you just get the hair dryer and just hold it up.
Nah, about another hour, we can go to bed.
Like garbage bags, like you're fucking trying to make weight for a wrestling team.
But man, that visual just cracked me up burt was like martha washington was not squirting eleanor roosevelt has never come in her life like that and but like you gotta think that some of them
every now and then did you know when a particularly like fucking some renaissance
lothario lover who like didn't just like beat women who actually
tried to make them come they were probably like holy fucking shit man his mouth on my pussy yeah
right like that shit bro i mean both sides both sides oral sex back in the day had to be a fiasco
but eating eating pussy in like the 1700s.
Oh.
It's like licking a lollipop you dropped on the couch.
It's got hair and like a penny.
There's like a penny attached to it.
You break it off because that could buy you like fucking
bread for the week.
That's making me...
It's like literally eating a carpet
that is truly heinous that's the second time i've gotten a reaction out of paths in the last two
days i i um i also do challenge the notion when people are are now like well not every girl can
do it i don't know if that's true either yeah i not every girl can do it. I don't know if that's true either.
Yeah.
I think every girl can do it.
I would.
I think it's just that we haven't like,
it's still that new that it's like you haven't, haven't had somebody do it right.
You haven't,
I think you have to be in the right mentality.
You have to,
your body,
like everything does have the stars and the moons have to align for it all to
go down.
But I think everybody,
like almost everybody can do it.
This sounds like you're being a pitch band right now.
Someone dare me.
Someone dare me that you can't.
I'm going to prove it right now.
Come on in here, girls.
Do a fucking line outside.
I just think too many...
I mean, by the way, if you don't want to piss in the bed every time you have sex,
by all means, I don't fucking care.
But if that's something you want to do,
I think so many guys and girls write it off as like i just
it doesn't happen for me yeah it's like i i don't think it's a weird thing that we just
acceptably write off like no i can't come i can't come when girls are like i know like
only a vibrator on a tuesday night with the wind in this direction it's like i just think that like
you and him and whoever is
not doing it right and you just go i can't do it you know like never mind it just doesn't work for
me it's it's easy to just shut it down rather than try but i i it's also a weird thing to be like
do you want to do this because i need to like jackhammer your pussy with my fingers
and punch you in the bladder and it'll happen but if you don't want to like i don't think
so right so if a girl if a girl politely declines that i totally understand i think just just fuck
me just do it normal just do it in and out it's like i'm gonna step on your bladder and pull
pull your pelvis up into me and i really really fast you is that something you'd be interested
in no okay it's like when you go to fucking bourbon street and they're like do you want a shot Pull your pelvis up into me. Really, really fast. Is that something you'd be interested in? No? Okay, fine.
It's like when you go to fucking Bourbon Street,
and they're like, do you want a shot?
I'd love a shot.
You want to jump in that barber chair?
We'll beat the shit out of you.
I think I'll just do the vodka.
I'll break your nose with my tits.
I'll punch you in the jaw,
and then we'll hit you in the temple
so that you lose bodily functions.
But you'll get a shot at 151 at the end.
Normal?
I'll just drink it from my cup, thanks.
But, yeah, so the – so is there something, as always,
like what's the next frontier?
Like is there something happening?
Is there going to be something happening in the future that, like, we're not doing now or don't think?
Like, all of it, like, I mean, squirting, the blowjobs, like, anal becoming, like, a regular thing that just normal girls, like, pretty frequently do now.
Yeah.
Like, you pretty much, if you're young and you get in a relationship, you're at some point i'm fucking you in the ass back in the day that was like you're never that's never gonna happen for you you know yeah even like i i hear on other podcasts of like people that are older like even just a little
bit older are like i'm not into that like we i didn't like grow up on that in our generations
like how can i get into your asshole as fast as possible like did i fuck your pussy enough times
let's do butt stuff. But there's
always going to be something, right?
Yeah.
Or do we top out at some point? At some point, does the human
body, like the 100 meter dash
is like,
I don't know if we're ever going to do it in like 5
seconds. It's going to be in that 9 to
10 second range, because the human body
I think eventually tops out.
I don't think so you think eventually
we'll just be doing it
like two seconds
yeah
I would think so yeah
so you think the human body
like eventually
we're just all gonna be doing
like all the sex stuff
is just like
I guess I just imagine
this is a conversation
everyone has
we must have topped out right
well so do
okay I would think
the taboo
like do you think
every guy will just be
getting pegged
in fucking another generation probably because right now it's probably the same level that those other
things were for chicks i would you just be walking around in a world in like 30 years where everybody's
getting butt fucked yeah and it's just like yeah i would get it's a hole we put it in and and i i
will be probably the older guy being like i didn't grow up on that that's really not my right that's
exactly but like the i'll be the older guy going let's go i think the i think there will be the only guy lying about it i'll
be the only guy saying that i think they'll be like like you'll be able to turn on fox news one
day and some dude will be just be getting pegged like they're only two genders like it's just gonna
be it's just gonna be i like there there was an episode of New Girl where Jessica Biel was on.
And it was actually Jessica Biel and Dan Egan from Veep.
And her and Jessica Day are competing for Dan Egan at a wedding.
And she's – Jessica Biel is like kind of peacocking in front of her.
She's explaining why she's so great.
She's like, I watch an hour of porn porn every night just keep up on the trends yep and if judging by i
always think about that for some reason and judging by that basis the thing i see pop up more
and i don't think it's i don't think it's my not my searches i'll tell you that um but the okay like
this man is laying the groundwork for just like,
I just see a lot more pay.
Peggy's just talked about a lot more now.
If I were to use that,
that line and extrapolate that from like stuff I used to be like,
whoa,
that's crazy.
Now it's like,
now I doubt it's just the norm.
That makes me go,
whoa,
I would imagine that that will go.
The famous conversation we have with Asa where she was like,
about a third of the room is getting pegged.
I don't think anybody in here is ever going to get pegged.
And the next day it was like pegging everywhere.
I saw a fucking funny tweet the other day.
That was just me and Taylor Swift never dated her next album.
We just were about her pe begging some guy all the time just a random person said that just a random person it was like i was on instagram it was
like one of those screenshot of things um bro like that's where i'm like i think that was a posted post by someone I follow. Like, hey, I get it, AI.
Point understood.
I'm going to keep doing my thing.
I get what you think you think I like.
But let me just do my fucking thing.
I've heard you out.
I'm going to keep living my life my way.
Message received.
AI, that's a funny thought too.
AI has an agenda.
Big Peg is trying to get their message out there.
Just some troll. Hey, kid.
You want to come down here?
You want to get a dodo in your ass? Look, I've thought about it,
but it's just that I don't think it's me.
I don't think it's my thing.
My face hurts.
That's it, though.
That's the one, I think.
That's the next thing.
So, like, hey, you know, Gen Z, you're probably all getting buttfucked.
Guys and girls alike.
Whatever, dude.
To you.
All right.
I'll do a couple one-minute man things before we get into our voicemails and then our interview.
Burt's Fully Loaded Tour is going on now.
It might be, like, the best tour ever.
I mean, it's, like, up there with, you know, like, Kings of Comedy and Blue Collar Tour had, like, those gross, like, hundreds of millions of dollars and were, like, these cultural, cultural like tent poles when it comes to comedy what bird has assembled and don't get me wrong it's a very popular tour and i'm sure they're
making money hand over fist but it's so common now that it's not being regarded as like it's insane
it's it's the best comics in the world in every city that they go to dan soda shane gillis birds
up there we were at a tennis court at 7pm.
Broad daylight.
Never a situation where you think, this is going to be funny.
And obviously with the lineup you did think that.
It was so goddamn funny.
To have the sun out and just be
howling, laughing at dark
jokes and shit. It's a weird feeling,
but it's awesome. So we went to that
last week.
And then afterwards,
the scene was just so perfectly this is sometimes i do get a little romantic about what we're doing and why i get so
excited for the comedy shit that we're doing because it feels to me like the those experiences
that we had and we're having are like when you hear stories about like the SNL after party and you hear about the comics being in certain clubs and doing certain things.
And it's like that is what's going on right now with podcasts and comedians in New York City.
And if you're just like in in the middle of it all, I think it's just all going to succeed.
And like it's just there's too much too many funny people too much going on where i'm
like as long as we harness this even a little bit i think the barstool comedy thing will be
massive but we were we're at forest hills which is a pool and tennis club and they have an
amphitheater awesome awesome spot they have this amphitheater that i guess they i don't know why
it's there i don't
i've never gone to a country club that's had a theater like that but that's what this is right
it's a country club with a big outdoor theater yeah i do i saw um years ago when i first moved
to new york i went i wanted to see francis and the lights yeah and he was opening for
chance the rapper who i don't dislike but don't really care for either but i just wanted to see
francis so i went and i got there late and missed the
francis show so i just had to sit there for a chance to wrap a show different experience he
came out on a on a dirt bike and like couldn't stop it so it's just fucking like one of those
mini bikes and just went off the stage i was like all right this fucking is not francis
uh but afterwards we go we go to the pool, basically.
The pool deck was where there was an after party with cocktails.
And, dude, the way Shane Gillis just hustled that whole crowd.
I wasn't there.
Oh, right.
I went home.
I had to get ready for the fast stream.
Dude, Shane just so badly wanted to swim the length of the pool underwater.
And he was just like,
just putting it,
like planting the seed in people's heads.
Just like,
yo,
you think you could swim in that underwater?
I totally could.
Like just going around,
like just talking to it.
Like it got to the point.
That's the only question you can ask when you were by a pool though.
Oh,
that's,
that's the debate to be had.
But what was so funny was he eventually got Kali,
Kali,
Colin Tyrell was there.
And Kali was like,
he was the one who officially eventually broke and was like, I'll give you $100 if you can swim the length of the pool.
And that's all Shane wanted. He didn't want the money, obviously.
He just wanted the challenge.
And it was a big pool.
People kept saying Olympic pool.
I don't think it was Olympic pool.
It was a long pool.
I don't think it was Olympic size.
But I looked at it, and I looked at Shane.
I was like, are you sure?
And he goes, bro, the first thing I do every single hotel I go to is I swim down and back.
It was like a hustler.
He knows he can swim underwater for a long time.
And he just went around talking about it until somebody challenged him.
And he's like, there was also a big debate
about getting in the pool
and this was an important conversation I had with Kali as well
if you're the guy who jumps in the pool
and everybody follows you
you're a legend
it's like you're the party starter
if you're the guy who jumps in the pool
and nobody follows
you're fucked because now you're just in a pool and you're in your boxers and you're the party starter If you're the guy who jumps in the pool And nobody follows You're fucked
Because now you're just in a pool
And you're in your boxers
And you're wet
And you're like
What do I do now?
Bro
You're looking at that guy
The guy who gets in and nobody follows?
I had it happen once
Oh no
You were like
It was like Will Ferrell
Like we're going streaking
And nobody came
It was
Oh no
I was probably a junior in college i went to
mardi gras and i was with my buddy we went to like his very rich family friends house
no we were fucking i was on a bender of all benders mardi gras i was failing out of college
i was just i was the drunkest person in the party by far. I don't even really remember.
I'm tagged in pictures of it on Facebook, but I don't really remember it.
And it's just me in the pool with families eating.
And me just like, what's up?
Everybody get in!
It is.
I wouldn't.
Again, I don't really remember it.
But I think drunk me wouldn't be like, I want in the pool.
But I would just be – I just got stubborn.
I was like, I'm not getting out.
I totally am happy with my decision.
So I just like sitting there, but I get a little cold because it's March or February.
So I'm just like I'm underwater.
It's just my head is peeking out like a little alligator.
Just breathing like this.
Hey, I'm not getting out until someone else gets in.
It's exactly like my fear and it's so funny watching people like like uh i think somebody was like you know are you gonna get in i was like yeah i'm sure i'll get in and i was
like i turned i think soda was like there's no fucking way i'm getting in i was like yeah no
way me neither i had a conversation with roan ro, guys like me and Roan, everybody, you have to know who you are and where you stand in life.
And Roan and I are not get in the pool guys.
We're just not.
Shane Gillis, Burt Kreischer, Glennie Balls, those are get in the pool guys.
They rip the top off.
People go like, oh, shit.
You get in.
You do something funny and it's cool.
I get in the pool and people go, what is that guy doing in the pool it's the same thing with karaoke it's like what is this guy doing
just no and you just you're just not he's too non-descript that's exactly i am just i am just
blah there's nothing funny there's nothing like there's nothing cool tough none of that uh so i
was happy i had you know rome that rome was like i'm not gonna like
slink into the water and then like slink out of my underwear and like just be wet and i was like
yes you get it you get it but shane like no problem easy peasy light work swims the length
of the pool i said if you've ever seen the picture of minute bowl under the water in the pool where he's just this like black demon it looks
like or whatever. It was the white version
of that. The Manute Bull picture is insane.
So white. And then
of course Bert is like, well
if Shane did it, I gotta do it.
Shane popped up and was like
spitting water out and was like
I could have gone back. He wasn't even
breathing heavy. He was like, this was fine burt pops up and he goes like oh my god
oh my god that was the worst fucking ever made he's like i pulled my neck and i pissed myself
halfway through the pool why did i do that why did anyone let me do that and i was like that
would have been me that would have been me i would have needed a fucking like stretcher to
pull me out that's the exact reason i didn't get in that pool right there.
The pissing yourself while on the move.
People underrate that.
Oh, yeah?
Pissing in the pool is nice.
It's fine.
It's whatever.
Usually people do the...
Yeah.
You're on the go.
You feel that stream pulling?
Dude, 99.9999% of the pisses you take in your life, you're standing still.
Yeah.
When you can be on the move and piss.
Yeah, that's great.
You know what we should do?
Is piss and run.
That would be very funny.
If you were to just run forward and piss.
You'd be covered in piss.
I know.
It's got to be like you get into a fucking body, like into the ocean.
Yeah, yeah.
Instead of running into the ocean, you should run and piss.
And it would just be a fiasco.
But it's the most freeing thing you've ever done.
Flopping, piss everywhere,
then you get in and it's all good.
It was quite the scene, though.
I don't think it got much attention,
but I think Lenny Balls attempted
to swim the length of the pool,
and I think he got like 10 feet in
and was like...
I'd kill for that kind of confidence, Glenn.
I'll give this a shot. He's living the dream the dream dude the way people were talking about glennie like like soda was
like i fucking love that guy i fucking love him and i was like this what a world you know like
dan soda is like objectively like the most talented person i've ever met in my life and he's like
let's talk about glennie boss it's amazing glennie knows he's on a magic
carpet ride too i mean the angela white he's gonna fuck angela white he's just gonna he's just gonna
fuck her it's just gonna happen it's it's quite the scene uh but yeah the fully loaded tour is
unreal if you can get tickets to it it's coming near you like a thousand percent if the tickets
were really if the tickets were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars
i would still tell you to go you see a bomb squad lineup of people.
It is for sure unbelievable.
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apply find your drive forget boring rental cars at turo.com also in the news speaking to people
on stage um you see bb rex again smash in the face with a phone hilarious i that guy is such an asshole oh but he's so funny
so funny like he was like the quote was like i tried all he goes and this couldn't be true
because you only have one phone yeah yeah but he said like i don't know if he was throwing other
things he was just like i tried all night to hit her with things because I thought it would be funny if I hit her with a phone. And it's horrific.
It's criminal.
Like, if anyone ever did it to me or someone I loved, I would, like, kill them.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Bebe Rexha deserves.
She should, like, get to smash him in the face with a hammer.
All of that.
But, again, it's just funny.
A guy being like, why did you do that?
Because I thought it would be funny. And then you see the video of it just like, bonk. It's just funny. A guy being like, why'd you do that? Because I thought it would be funny.
And then you see the video of it just like, it's just funny.
Why did you throw a phone at Bebe Rex's face?
I thought if I threw a phone at Bebe Rex's face, it'd be funny.
That makes it funny.
That makes it funny.
You got me there.
If you said like, I don't know enough about Bebe Rex.
Let's say Bebe Rex was gay.
And it was like, because I fucking hate lesbians
I'd be like you're a piece of shit
but if you told me
because you thought it'd be funny
it now becomes funny
and it's just you know
I don't know
since the beginning of time
the very first funny thing
was like Three Stooges shit
like watch this guy get hit
with something that hurts
that was I mean
she posted on Instagram though
she's a gangster
she was like I'm good
she had big black eyes
she's a Staten Island broad
she's like this is not the first time I've hit the She had a big black eye. She's a Staten Island broad. She's like, this is not the first time I've
hit the phone with a fucking...
Yeah. I thought she
was, like, British.
You can have this if you want it.
Yeah.
She's a
down-ass bitch, so
there was that in the news.
David Freese from the Cardinals. We'll do a little barstool sports for you. there was that in the news uh david freese from the cardinals we'll do a
little barstool sports for you i was asked on the uh um either truth or puke what's the war show
barstool sports i said any sports show any sports show any sports show oh any show so true everybody
everybody gives me the uh the why don't you do, like, where's the sports, right?
And you know what my favorite thing that I see on Instagram now?
Barstool fans do this.
When you post about pop culture shit, they post, like, a blurb about sports as their comment.
So they'll be like, yeah, you know, I know the Heat are down 3-1, but I actually think that Jimmy Butler and Spolstra can put it together
and make a run here and pull it off in seven games.
That's just their way of protesting, like,
you should be talking more about sports.
Wait, I got lost. What?
Fans on Instagram.
Okay.
Viewers post a sports, like, a little comment about sports
on a post about, like, the Kardashians or pop culture. And it's their way of saying, like, you should be posting comment about sports on a post about like the Kardashians or pop culture and
it's their way of saying like you should be posting more about sports they say this on
on instagram in bless you like in the comment section am i explaining this wrong i've said
it three times in a row great on instagram and on twitter they replied yeah it's like they're
they're they're replying to barstool stuff yes Yes. Okay. You're saying like they post on Instagram.
Oh, you're right.
Okay.
That was my fault.
People just posting it on their Instagram.
I'm like, it sounds like a sports account.
No.
I posted a thing about Kim Kardashian underneath it.
They were like –
I see.
Okay.
I actually think that Jokic is underrated and he's the best big man to ever play and
blah, blah, blah.
And it's their way of like kind of being like, you should be more about sports but the thing they post i'm always like that's boring
like i read that and i'm like it might be true it might be false but i'm like yeah that's a regular
boring fucking sports conversation and that's why i don't make a video about it because and then
recently i did i did a video about carl anthony towns when he was on with pat bev which was he
had like ridiculous comments.
And as far as sports coverage go, actually is – was entertaining.
But I did that and David Freese.
And like those videos perform horribly every time.
And it's like you guys think that you want sports content.
You don't.
We know you better than you know you at this point.
You guys don't watch and consume sports content.
You don't. It's like there's you
know part of my take of course yes there are big shows anything else it's like you you millions of
you watch it when we do this nobody watches when you do that you don't want sports you might think
it you think you're like some fucking tough like i'm a sports guy you're not you like dumb pop
culture shit like the fucking rest of us but uh but the one thing that that that story
about david freese uh turning down the cardinals hall of fame invitation yeah is all together i
hate it because it's david freese and i hate the cardinals and i hate all that shit and i love it
at the same time well how come it's just such like if you really do that move you remove your name
prior to voting yeah yeah you let the you let them vote you in, and then you go, like, I can't possibly do that.
Too much respect for the game.
I mean, there's just too many all-time greats.
Me and that game-winning home run and the triple to send it to extra.
No, it can't be me.
Those legendary World Series moments when I won the MVP?
It's not enough.
It's not enough.
That's a flex right there.
That's the chess move when everyone else is playing checkers.
I mean, that's the most relatable thing you can do, though, I think,
where it's like, I don't want to go, but I would like to be invited.
Yes.
Don't forget about asking me.
And I also do think it's a move. Let me reject you, please.
I think it is a move to be like, I know what he's saying.
It's like, don't put me on that level, because I'm not on that level.
You know what I mean? Like, I don't want motherfuckers comparing me to, like, you know,
Stan Musial and other, like, all-time Cardinals greats.
I did a couple things, but I'm not that good, you know?
That's the imposter syndrome in all of us where it's like, yeah, okay.
Don't raise the expectations that high.
The Cardinals are a funny team to me.
They're such fucking cocksuckers.
I hate them.
I think nothing of the Cardinals.
It's just such a National League, American League separation.
I know they were the best fans thing for a while.
I don't think about the St. Louis Cardinals.
I never have.
I never will. They are good. They'reinals. I never have. I never will.
They are good.
They're like the Yankees of the NL.
They're always, like, in it.
Like, I don't even know them.
We went through it on We Gotta Believe.
I think they had, like, one season under.500 in, like, the last, like, 25 years.
See, I would have no idea about that.
It's crazy.
If you were to be like, what do you think about the St. Louis Cardinals?
I'd be like, that team from, like, Mississippi, Missouri. It's crazy. If you were to be like, what do you think about the St. Louis Cardinals? I'd be like, that team from like
Mississippi,
Missouri,
which I love.
The Sox beat twice.
Keep doing that.
I don't really know.
They hate that.
That's the real reason why
is because you guys just
dick slap them
every time you played them.
They're having a meltdown
because they're like,
trade Arenado,
blow the team up.
It's like,
this is the first bad season
you guys have ever had.
Shut the fuck up. I said this before they like always talk about the rivalry with the
cubs the rivalry is one way but the cubs don't think about them it's they're like hey you guys
are close to us it's like we have a thing with the white socks that's it like yeah fuck the car well
they are also they're just like they're they're the kids who want to be cool like they're good
but they're not cool yeah and they want to be known as such. I knew they were a good team. I wouldn't have guessed
they had one under 500.
I obviously know who the Cardinals are,
but I do not ever think about the St. Louis Cardinals.
Last thing,
this was from last week,
I'm going to admit it as well. The dude who faked
his own death? Yes.
Are you in or are you out on him?
I don't know enough about it.
So he said he didn't like the way that his family was treating him.
Right, right, right.
So he faked his own death.
He had his immediate family post on social media.
He had his daughters being like –
Oh, his immediate family didn't know.
They ran on it, yeah.
Okay.
And then so it was to surprise like the cousins and the aunts and the uncles and be like, fuck you guys.
You don't appreciate me enough.
And he rolled up on a helicopter.
Oh, I'm out now. On a helicopter. No, no, no, no. I and be like, fuck you guys. You don't appreciate me enough. And he rolled up on a helicopter. Oh, I'm out now.
On a helicopter.
No, no, no, no.
I'd be in on all of it.
But you can't, like, your aunts and uncles don't appreciate you enough?
Yeah.
What did you expect?
What are you, Italian?
Yeah.
No kidding.
Like, I don't respect my aunts and uncles, and they don't respect me.
Right.
Those are people.
My aunts and uncles think the same about me as I think about the St. Louis Cardinals.
They're just there.
And also, to have any expectations for how other people need to treat you, I don't like that.
If you're not respected in your own house, sure, take rash measures.
If you are, to an extent.
We don't want a Chris Benoit situation. fake your own death is what i'm saying uh if you're if you feel disrespected by
your aunts uncles cousins like distant family members grow up she's like for real bro he but
he had motherfuckers weeping crying and hugging him oh my god you're alive i'm like listen
if you got it like that you got it like that, you got it like that.
But also, he fucking busted his nut too early.
You said he like...
Showed up at the funeral.
Yeah, go through the whole funeral.
Oh.
So like let the people mourn, let them grieve.
Like I...
Make them give speeches.
I would interrupt the eulogy.
Right at the end.
Oh, but still at the funeral.
Okay.
I thought you would let them go home and shit.
You said it was like the start of the funeral, at the end. but still at the funeral. Okay. I thought you would like, let him go home and shit. You said it was like,
the start of the funeral,
right?
It was a weird like,
Belgian funeral.
It was like,
out in a farm somewhere.
It didn't even look like a funeral.
Oh.
It was fucking weird.
I would be like,
when like,
someone gave a great eulogy,
I'd kick in the door,
and be like,
keep that energy up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just good.
It's a,
you're fucking,
remembering the good times.
Yeah,
you gotta have a good line. Like, you gotta have a, like a, you wish it was a way to know when you were sitting in the good times you gotta have a good line
you wish there was a way to know when you were
sitting the good times
guess what you just got the greatest gift of all time
bud I'm still alive
the good times are here
yeah that
if you do it right you gotta
cause saying that the world
like everyone needs to treat you better and teaching them a lesson
it's like fuck you but if you them a lesson It's like fuck you
But if you do it right
It's like that was baller
That was badass
So you know
A plus idea
B minus execution
But also the idea takes a hit
Also he was like
I did it to teach a lesson
I also did it for like internet clout And then I'm like now I'm out If you're so fucking delusional That I did it to teach a lesson. I also did it for internet clout.
And then I'm like, now I'm out.
If you're so fucking delusional that you need to teach people a lesson about how to appreciate you, then okay, you're crazy.
If you're doing it for TikTok followers, suck a dick.
Along the same lines of somebody shocking everyone at the funeral, do you see the woman that was declared dead a week later?
They were having her wake, and she started knocking on the casket yeah where's his africa or something uh no this i think it was
in south america somewhere but then officially died a week later from what uh whatever the
disease they thought she died from the first place yeah well yeah i gotta imagine the second time you
really double checked knocking on the casket iket. We saw that at the funeral museum.
They have the bells and shit.
Yeah.
They had the devices.
Hospital stroke and cardiac arrest.
And then they declared her dead.
And then, yeah, it was at the wake that they heard something.
And they opened it up and she was alive.
But barely these photos of her don't look that alive.
That does suck where it's like, well, we're just going to do this again in four days.
So why don't we just keep this, you know, let's finish this one and you guys can just have the memory.
The dead people, the people who get buried alive like that, or at least the star, I feel like they always get the sympathy and it should be given to the other people.
The barriers?
Just anyone who was in the room when the dead person woke up.
Yeah, that's got to be fucking...
That's got to be way worse than waking up in a coffin.
Just fucking running through the morgue screaming.
Like, they're fucking making noise, dude!
Oh, did you see the...
There's a video of them opening her casket.
She's struggling to breathe.
We'll wrap up on one more One Minute Man thing.
Did you see the guy from the morgue
arrested for
oh the Harvard guy
was he from Harvard yeah he's a Harvard doctor
I think
did you see the picture
yeah I mean yeah
no kidding that guy fucks corpse
you know if you were to
draw me a picture of somebody who fucks dead bodies
it is literally this guy.
The Harvard morgue manager.
If you're going to fuck a dead body, you should have to kill it first.
That's a great rule.
I think you'd end up with some people killing some people, though.
Yeah, well, they earned it.
At least earn it. I cannot imagine. This is very similar to hiring a Boy Scout troop leader and priest and shit, where it's like, what did you think was going on here?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, what is the interview process to be the morgue manager?
Dude, haven't you heard of Uber Eats?
They're always looking for drivers.
Yeah, like, there's other ways to make money, dude.
The only reason you're applying here is because you want to fuck body parts.
The very first
question anyone ever asks.
Do you fuck bodies?
How much alone time do we get?
Will I have access or
is it just the shelf?
Health benefits? No, I'm not interested in that.
I'm just alone time.
Will I have any partners?
Scheduling. Can I work the late night we'll make sure you get the 40 hours yeah not a problem i'll be working overtime all right let's do voicemails and then we got uh
nimesh patel on the show oh wait i have one more thing i guess this could count as an am i the
asshole because i i have i think my overthinking of it has put me into an asshole situation.
Where I actually don't think I'm an asshole.
But I think I've thought about it too much.
Where my, this is an asshole.
I'm saying exactly what you just said.
I've started doing something.
And it's only been like a day or two.
So I might not stick with it.
Okay.
I take off my, you know, I feel like a lot of people when they go to a store.
They like leave their headphones in. Yeah. I take off my... I feel like a lot of people when they go to a store,
they leave their headphones in. Yeah.
Either pause it, mute it,
sometimes just turn it down, whatever.
Totally, do that all the time.
Sometimes I don't even turn it down.
I take...
Yeah, I think a lot of people do that too.
I take mine fully off now.
Let's say a grocery store.
Let's do an example.
Yes.
Is that what you're talking about?
Yeah.
Okay.
Fully off.
You'll take it off?
Not...
When I'm shopping,
when I get to the register,
I'm fully off. I do that. Yeah, that yeah that's fair okay that's what i mean i think anytime you can
expect that someone might talk to you you should take off your headphones i i i okay or like take
one out or i think even the one lower it like you know just if if they turn to you and they say like
creditor debit and you can't hear them or something it's like you're a fucking asshole
you're doing something here
I saw someone in line at the market
and it was the same deal
and it was like what
not only is that a dickhead
just making someone say something twice
but I started thinking about
how
genuinely dehumanizing it has to be
to work the register all day and have like 80 percent of
people be like i'm not even pausing my music for you yeah i was like we are slowly replacing you
with robots i will treat you as such right now like it's got to be so fucking demeaning but you
know what i felt the same way the opposite way sometimes too where they're like i'm like hey how
you doing and they're just like yeah yeah yeah beep, beep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. That's why, fuck you, you know what I mean?
But that at least, yeah, I guess I'm just, I'm trying to be there.
But at least they're there all day and have to deal with that.
You're there for one time.
Just be nice to them.
Give them one second of respect.
Give them one second of respect.
If you imagine that, you're like, yo, people can't give me a single second of respect.
Like, you go home.
Like, that has to eat you happening day after
day month after month year after year we're like they don't even even look pause their music that
they're not really listening to right to just hear me say cash or credit have you ever i've done this
before i just feel bad when i'm doing it if you're on the phone have you ever been on the phone when
you're checking out yes and i'm like it's like you know i'm doing it If you're on the phone Have you ever been on the phone when you're checking out? Yes And I'm like It's like you know
I'm currently buying food for the party
That I'm going to
And I'm on the phone with the person
Like oh I gotta get the balloons
Or whatever it is
So it's not like I'm just chit chatting
But as I'm doing it
And that's of course the one time
They try to talk to you
And you're like
I think that's a little different
Yeah
Because at least
I hope they at least understand
You know
It's a phone call
I don't know
I'm not gonna hang up to call them back in two seconds right uh but like if someone
is just like oh sorry what like why you knew i was gonna talk you didn't think there was any chance
have your fucking headphones out so we could just treat me like a person please that's a good that's
a good uh rule you know i i think i personally think the um i going to say it. I'm going to fucking say it with my chest.
I think the returning your shopping cart test is way overblown.
I think that's crazy.
The people that think that determines whether you're a good person or not.
Yeah, I think it's like, yes, it determines whether or not you like.
I think it determines if you go the extra mile for other people.
I don't think it determines like anything.
You know, I won't date somebody.
I won't talk to someone that is so overblown uh but that's the i wouldn't i'd let you fucking take it i i i
that doesn't bother me one bit i don't think that's like i mean i i'm i wouldn't actually
yeah just just when i see the guy like collecting them and it's like he grabs him from the thing and
then he grabs one over there i'm like i i don't even think he cares. I don't even think the guy who you think you're affecting cares,
let alone random fucking people.
But let's replace that with don't fucking treat the human in there
like an absolute piece of garbage.
Just take your headphones out.
All right, voicemails, what do we got?
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We just got to give a quick shout out to someone going through a pretty tough time right now, and that's Nate Dogg.
What happened to Nate Dogg?
He lost his license.
Oh, I saw this.
You don't know what's happening with Nate?
No.
I saw the tweet that was like, I lost my license, and I don't have a passport, and I don't have,
and the other thing expired, so he just can't get his ID.
You could make the argument that he is going through God's toughest battles.
It is.
What is that quote? Why does God give his toughest battles to his strongest angels or whatever like what what so break it down i and so me he uh it's it's insane
like i i was texting with him about it where it's all so funny. It's all so fucking funny, man.
And I could just see him being like, but then I can't get my DMV.
The DMV won't renew it.
He lost his passport.
Right.
His license is two years expired.
So he's having an issue getting a new one.
Right.
You would think that fucking Joe Biden himself is trying to fuck me.
He's like, it's just crazy.
It's just crazy.
I mean, look, I understand.
You lost the one thing and you broke all the rules.
Like, what the fuck?
I was like, look, I'm not judging because it's a situation I can find myself in for sure.
But he's like, there's just so many regulations and red tape you got to cross.
I was like, bro, the only two rules are, don't lose your
license, and don't let your license...
It's literally... Don't let it expire.
If your license is more than 24 months expired,
it's harder to get.
Don't have a
two-year-old expired license.
Again, it's a situation I can find myself in.
Glass houses.
Glass houses, but...
If I found myself in it, I don't think I'd be like
this is
this fucking government
doesn't know what it's doing
it's like
bro you lost your passport
and your license
expired in 2020
I gotta
I gotta feel like
you gotta bear
some of the burden
on this one
for real
I think
I think you gotta
put a hand up
hand up on this one man
like
the only response
again
it could happen to me
but i would just go i'm a fucking idiot totally four-year expired license yeah yeah dude i uh
i got a i got a letter he he had a sorry he had an instagram post last night with a heart in it
a lot of replies following some leads. Thank you, heart emoji.
Like we're trying to start a GoFundMe for cancer
or something. He had a tweet
today that Jack Mack
got some shit
about something. I don't know. What is it?
Something about Serena Williams and tennis.
Jack Mack quoted it and said
tackling the important topics.
Nate goes, I've emailed every state representative, senator, congressman to try and get an ID.
The only reply I've received is we need proof of family members dying in the next five days.
But now I understand why it's been so difficult.
You're right.
They should all stop with Serena and focus on Nate's fucking two-year-old fire path.
As if, like, you know, this is the – actually, I was like you know this is the actually i was gonna say this
is the the content people want probably people do want to see this i want i want to watch nate
have a meltdown about about the logistical side of the government i think i think nate's tweeted
more in the last three days than he has in the last year he's got two separate videos just talking
to camera being like guys you're you're not gonna believe this but like i
absolutely believe it it's 100 believable it turns he's like he's like it's it's it's unbelievable
it's my favorite saga he is god i got i got a letter uh from uh this they did me dirty so your brother hooked me up with uh got me house insurance and uh
and i uh i've been paying it i guess just forgot to pay it i so many things in my life
my brother who has to come collect no no no it's the it's the insh it's like the insurance company
but i open up a letter and it says important information and i've been waiting
for them so i actually have been keeping an eye out they probably tried calling me and i don't
really answer unknown calls so but um you don't even check voicemails voicemail box is full cannot
uh cannot empty it if i wanted to i don't know that's been broken for like 10 years
so that's not even a thing and i'll be honest it's probably better that way i don't know. That's been broken for like 10 years. So that's not even a thing. And I'll be honest, it's probably better that way.
I don't like text me or I would say email me, but I don't check email.
So, you know, I'm in the neighborhood right now.
It's my own fault.
But I opened the letter and it says, we are writing you to inform you.
We are canceling your insurance in another box.
It says this policy has been canceled, canceled, canceled.
This is canceled. and i was like
fuck because it was kind of a thing and benny like you know needed to like
do some shit to get it done and at the very bottom it says like
dot dot dot if you don't pay it by july 1st and i was like ah okay i'll get this next week
and i was thinking to myself you should have just stuck with the like like you should have said like I'll get this next week. I still haven't made it. I still haven't made it.
And I was thinking to myself, you should have just stuck with the, like,
you should have said, like, if you don't pay it by tomorrow,
and then I would have done it.
But you gave me two more weeks, and I pushed it two more weeks, bro.
It is, I really want to know, when I die, I'm going to fucking shoot myself in the chest, Junior Seyo style,
so you can study my brain and figure out what disease i and many of us
have where the procrastination and the putting off of the difficult conversations or the confrontation
or whatever that uh aversion to confrontation is whatever i got i've got it the worst case in the
world like i i just know if i don't this, it's going to make my life harder.
But if I don't have to do it immediately, I am just not doing it.
Not doing it.
The month is a long time.
It's like, we're fine, you know?
Or it's like...
I paid my taxes, but I didn't file my taxes.
So actually, I paid my taxes. I didn't file my taxes so actually I paid my taxes
I haven't gotten my taxes
the return I get from New York City
I don't know
and I haven't gotten that back yet
because they haven't filed
we should have filed last week
we just need your fucking W-9's
and I was like
I don't even know where to get those
you just keep living your life I don't know how to get, I don't even know where to get those. So I'm just going to keep. You just keep living your life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
I don't know how to get those.
I don't know if that's being a man versus a woman or being maybe we're not men.
We're boys.
I don't know.
I don't know if it's just a mental thing.
If we have a disease, if we are broken.
Like when I know.
I bet I could do it in one text.
Totally.
There are things that I could solve right away,
and I will put them off for years.
I have a very specific person in mind.
I go, hey, could I get these W-9s?
And he'd go, yep.
And you'd be done.
And you can even say, hey, can you email them for me? And they would do it probably.
When I know that I have to break news to Caitlin
that is not going to be good for whatever reason scheduling conflict i told
you one thing now the other thing's happening i just won't do it and i'm like i know i'm gonna
wait till the last minute and it's gonna be way worse but i am not gonna shoot myself in the foot
and ruin the next two weeks i'll ruin the next i'll ruin the last 24 hours but i'm not gonna
ruin the whole two weeks really bad but it's better than two weeks of kind of bad.
It is.
I mean, if it was an Olympic sport, gold medal.
Non-confrontation like a motherfucker over here, bro.
All right, voicemails.
Let's go.
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Hey, what's up? KFC Fights, everyone else.
Driving from Florida to New Jersey right now.
So driving by myself, but I remember last time I was driving,
I was driving, I was driving
with my dad.
We were driving to Florida and, uh, I was listening to KFC radio and they started talking
about like eating ass and kind of like things like that.
And I don't have that type of relationship with my dad where we talk about like anything
like, like personal, let alone like sexual.
So when they started talking about that, I didn't really know what to do.
Um, cause I could like turn it off or just let it ride and i kind of felt like it would be more awkward to acknowledge
it and like turn it off than it would be to just like let it play out so i let it play out and then
once it was over i was like oh i feel like listening like i don't feel like listening
anymore i want to listen to music um and then i turned it off. But I just wanted to know what you guys would have thought of this.
Thanks, people.
I think that's exactly what I would do.
I think the reaction is worse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then once we're on to a new topic, we start talking about Jokic,
then you're like, hey, you know what?
I'm not into this.
You go to the music then.
I mean, first of all,, hey, you know what? I'm not into this. You go to the music then.
First of all, this is on you for eating ass is like
a topic every episode.
That's just par for the course on KFC Radio. You shouldn't have put this on with your dad
if you're not like that with him.
It's on you.
I probably, in the moment,
might have choked and just started talking
loudly.
Did you see that? We just passed the exit 16 16 i think we're supposed to get off the 17th what
do you think about that pretty good you ever had the whopper just bring up random stuff whoa that's
big that was a big truck that car is fast just the absolute just throwing a fucking word salad
keegan did this to me the other day he was – it's funny how like sneaky kids get on their own naturally.
Like he was watching something on his iPad, and when you start watching YouTube, like you just start going, and next thing you know, you could be watching like adult content.
And this guy, he was watching gaming, and this guy said something like, ah, this guy freaking sucks, man.
Like something like that.
It wasn't too bad, but he knew it was bad.
And it was quick enough.
He just turned to me and started going, hey, dad, how you doing?
What's up?
How was your day?
Like just babbling.
And I was like, I know exactly what you're doing.
And no one's ever taught you to do that.
No one's ever like brought it up.
You just knew in the moment that you were good.
Split second, too. It wasn't like looked at me look back realize it as soon as that guy said
freaking sucks he went hi dad how are you i love you so much you're the best i was like ah are you
doing that because and he just smiled it was like it's like how the fuck did you learn that sneaky
little fuckers it is the that i didn't know it was that inherent but that is that is exactly right
that's what you do oh i got a funny i got a funny thing i should have brought this up at the front
so i had a real what kind of man are you moment i was at keegan's final baseball practice of the
year last week and they did the olympics they called it who can run to first
fastest who can run the diamond who can uh catch the most fly balls and then of course there's like
a home run derby who can hit the ball the furthest i was pitching keegan goes like second by the
grace of god keegan is really like he doesn't get that like in baseball if the ball doesn't get hit
to you it's not your fault yeah he's like, I didn't even get one ball.
And he thinks he did something wrong.
And I'm like, it's just a stupid sport, bro.
How it happens.
And he's also playing a year up.
So those kids were bigger than him and faster than him.
And he's still, like, right on the verge of getting first, second, or third place.
But he's losing, like, just barely not getting a medal on every event.
And he's really down on himself.
Everybody gets five pitches his second pitch by the grace of god blasts it to the fucking moon moon shot like
perfect picture perfect type of home run and the other coaches and everyone even go like i don't
think anybody's gonna beat keegan and i was like no one's to beat Keegan because no one else is going to see a fucking pitch.
And I start sitting there and I'm like, I'm going to start throwing junk at these kids.
I'm throwing high heat.
I'm throwing breaking balls in the dirt.
I'm going to do it all.
And I.
Well, sick knees buckled.
See you later.
Bench is over there, pal.
Exactly. I couldn't-6, knees buckled. See you later. Bench is over there, pal. Exactly.
I couldn't do it though.
I couldn't – I really was like I'm not going to – I'm not – I'm not going to not do it.
You know what I mean?
I'm not going to not do it.
And I like – as I started, I was like I cannot like – because the way Keegan gets upset, I don't want that to be some other kid.
So I – and he ended up – some kid hit a ball that rolled further than his, which is bullshit.
Keegan's was in the air, so he got second
place, but he got a medal anyway. But I really was
like, yo, nobody's even going to make
contact, let alone
gas in kids.
I'd get down on one knee, but I'm still
But it was a real
like, what kind of man are you moment?
How much do you love your kids?
Alright, next voicemail. What up KFC fights Jackie Paz But it was a real, like, what kind of man are you moment. How much do you love your kids? It was very funny.
All right, next voicemail.
What up, KFC, Fights, Jackie, Paz, and Nick.
So I know y'all are fans of the action movies and the occasional law enforcement procedurals.
Shout out 911 Lone Star.
And so I was watching the Rookie the other day, and there was an undercover sting in a fancy restaurant and then
there was and ultimately there was a shootout so it turned into a crime scene so i was wondering
if you're a patron at one of these fancy restaurants and shit goes down like that
uh and you're whether you're in the middle of your meal or at the end of it and i say you're
waiting for the check and they shoot you out you're not then you're not they're not gonna
expect you to pay still like trying to get you to pay for that shit right because you know it's an active crime scene
now they shoot you out of the restaurant so you know what do you what y'all think bro that is
all together at the same time the stupidest and my most favorite voice of all time
yeah this guy dying and the officer stops sweeping for prince like
that guy fucking dying and dashed he didn't even leave a tip stop that guy i mean but but he's
right though like right you know somebody let's say you're at an italian restaurant and somebody
gets two in the back of the head mob style that's a big loss for the restaurant well that's that's
part of the experience at the time. Yeah, there you go.
But there's no way.
They're like, well, you know,
we're not recouping on the fucking special tonight.
Everybody's running out.
Yeah, it is.
Free meal.
Which?
First date idea.
Take him somewhere that has a murder?
Take him somewhere really nice you can't afford and impress him.
Kill somebody.
Great idea.
Yeah.
You know, there was...
Like, hey, baby, ever been to the Capitol Grill?
You've got to try their dry-aged steak.
I'll be right back.
I've got to go to the bathroom.
Excuse me, waiter.
Could you show me where the bathroom is?
There was that episode of Atlanta.
Did you ever see that one where he...
I've never seen Atlanta.
He has an episode. I think episode of Atlanta. Did you ever see that one? I've never seen Atlanta. He has an episode.
I think it's Atlanta.
He takes this girl out on a date, and I think they have a running tally of how much money he has in his bank account at the bottom of the screen, and it's very funny.
So he's like – they're ordering, and he's like, I'll have the salad, just the salad.
And the guy's like, okay, cool.
And then he's talking to the girls.
He's like, would you like to hear about our lobster special?
And he's like,
this motherfucker.
God damn it, no.
And he ends up taking like,
you know,
you see the bill.
But I think he does something
to scam his way out of that one.
I mean,
mine usually weren't on dates,
but I've been out at night
just like falling under the table,
like under the bar
and like,
all right,
doing that kind of math.
Yeah,
that's tough.
Like, what do they call it Dan calls it like
gambling math
like how you can just do
like nothing
like I can't do it
I can tell you
what four drinks
how much you can get
that's like 86 bucks
in the account
I can tell you
how many more I got left
was it you
who used to do the
all kinds of scams
to get drunk
the like
fake credit card
you put it down
gift cards before they were a thing.
Gift cards that look like Amex.
Yeah, before they became really popular,
people knew what they were.
I just fucking...
What was the bar?
It's closed in Southie now.
It was a great move.
Yeah, I was just fucking running.
And to be fair to me,
I wouldn't be like,
let me get a top shelf, let me do this.
No, you're still...
I just drink Bud Lights, but...
But I was not paying for it.
But to be fair to them, you were stealing from them. a top shelf let me do this no i just drink bud lights but but i was not paying for they were
about 12 to be fair to them you were stealing yeah but not like not a greedy thief right just
like robinhead shit we're just trying to get by here man honestly the markup that you're charging
is criminal yeah i'm just eating the playing fields so i'm paying zero. I should be paying like $3. Sorry. The other one, I would just run it until, as I was refreshing,
I would see until I had like $1 left.
Call fraud.
No.
Then I would go to an ATM because as long as you have a dollar in it,
I get $200.
Nice.
And then I'd go back with cash.
Smart.
You poor motherfucker. Small little micro loans. Yeah. And then I go back with cash. Smart. Small little micro loans.
I'll pay a $30 overdraft for you.
Micro. Yeah, technically that
works out to like 50% interest, but
whatever. It's no big deal.
If you leave that for a day, they start hitting you with
you have a negative account too.
Yeah. Oh, I'm over there.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not allowed at like one or two banks. Bro, there was a moment when I was in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm not allowed at one or two banks.
Bro, there was a moment when I was in the middle of the divorce.
A live show check hit at the exact moment to save me, but I had negative money as a 31-year-old man with kids.
And it was right on the verge of
I had kind of planned out the year
where I was like, I gotta pay these legal fees.
And I knew I was gonna get a bonus and things were gonna be okay.
But I thought I had more
than I did and I was like, I have no
I've been on this planet for
31 years and I have no money.
If I died right now, I'd owe.
I'd owe money. It's a scary thought.
I was like, holy shit.
How do three grown men in their 30s not have $400 between them?
Well, the economy.
All right, last one.
Glenn A.
Hey, Glenn.
Okay, so here's an issue that's happening in real time right now to me currently um the targeted posts for me on instagram
i'm starting to get uh i'm getting posts from an account called adhd memes what the hell is even
that they're diagnosed what the hell is even that so i guess that was just my question is like what's
something that has been like an eye opener for you I don't have ADHD, that's not clear. You do, don't I? What's a suggested post that you've gotten
that has been like,
I don't know.
You know what I'm saying?
I guess given the circumstances, first of all,
I don't think I said it.
Honestly, you know what my answer was last time?
Because that didn't come to mind?
All the prep commercials I get on Hulu.
What do you mean, prep commercials?
The P-R-E-P. Oh, the AIDS.
It's...
I didn't put two
and two together. Once again,
I get it.
Understood.
Move on.
Point taken.
Move on. Point taken. Oh my god, that's funny.
That's fucking funny.
Alright, let's do our interview.
We got Nimesh Patel on the show.
Very funny comedian.
And life with one ball.
It's very interesting.
Truly one of a kind. More ways than one interview on KC Radio. It's a very interesting, truly one-of-a-kind,
more ways than one interview on KC Radio.
Let's talk to him.
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What are those?
These are custom dunks.
You can say those are not.
My manager gave me a Christmas gift or something.
It was like a stupid amount of money at some place where I would never spend money.
The best kind of gifts, right?
I can't return it.
I didn't want to be like, bro, what the fuck am I going to do with this gift card?
I would never buy custom dunks anywhere, you know what I mean?
But since he gave it to me, I was like, okay, let's see what I can do.
So these are the Panda dunks.
But the guy, I was like, can we make them?
I saw he had some other shit.
My favorite sneaker is like the Laser 20 Jordan.
It's got all his highlights and shit engraved yeah we can't do that but uh so i had him take like some of my favorite jokes from like
my favorite comics sick if you look closely it's like chris rocks no way that's very sick that is
very cool shit patrice and carlin priors all up on here so that's dope. Yeah, yeah. But you really got to read the shoe.
You got to like curb stomp people.
It's pretty sick shoes, right?
It's so uncomfortable.
Dude, I... It's so uncomfortable.
Are we rolling?
Yeah.
No, it's just a little rip me off.
Oh, sorry.
I feel like the fact that some of these guys
played basketball in these sneakers.
It's fucking crazy.
And to this day, when some guys will take the court and I'll wear my throwback Jordan 1s.
It's like you're playing in a pair of papers stapled around your feet, basically.
It's a terrible shoe for your feet.
All of them.
I don't know what an athletic shoe is.
I remember with Air coming out recently and i remember like
how they used to play in chucks and then yeah playing in in converse is insane but i remember
we did like we did like a fucking combine here which is stupid to begin with because we're none
of us are athletic anymore or ever were yeah um and and i just happened to be wearing ultra boost
that day yeah and we were doing like a three cone drill.
And I went to do like one cone to stop at.
And my ankle just rolled right over.
I did the same shit.
I like really hurt my ankle.
And then I started like jogging the rest of the way.
And Dave, our boss, is like, Feidelberg doesn't even try.
I'm like, dude, no, you're right.
I guess if that's trying, you're right.
I'm not going to break my ankle in Ultra Boost today to get a good –
I'm not –
I was like, I'm not Julian Edelman.
I'm not getting –
Belichick's not drafting me because I have a good shuttle time here.
I'm going to fucking avoid surgery.
What are you wearing?
That's what I mean.
I thought an Ultra Boost was a shoe you'd wear actively.
That's for –
Those are like –
Running shoes are very good,
but I think the best basketball shoe I ever made was a Kobe Zoom 4.
Which is funny, though, because I feel like when he first came out and they were low tops,
a lot of people were like, oh, you can't wear those.
Yeah, but he also has insane ankle strength.
Right, right, right, right.
You've got to have insane ankle strength to wear low top sneakers, and the high tops
constrain you.
I did get a kick out of that when people were like, no, those are low tops.
You can't wear what you should be wearing are these bricks.
Yeah.
Have you ever put on a pair of Jordan 12s,
the thought of playing basketball
on those, it's like wearing a boot.
It feels like I'm wearing a pair of leather boots.
They're great. They look cool, but wild.
It's a heavy shoe.
What are the Kobe Aztecs?
I don't remember those.
I don't think they were actually called Aztecs,
but they look like a Pontiac Aztec.
It was with Adidas.
Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. I thought it was Audi. No, it's the Pontiac Aztecs, but they look like a Pontiac Aztec. The one that is with Adidas. Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about.
I thought it was Audi.
No, it's a Pontiac Aztec.
It's the Pontiac Aztec of the car.
I don't know what the street is called.
The selling point of that car was you could open the doors and hose it out.
That's not a joke.
My lacrosse coach had one.
He was like, yeah, it's easy to clean.
What the fuck kind of selling point is that?
With two kids now, I wish I could open that shit up and just blast it down to them.
It's not as crazy as you think.
That's Heisenberg's car.
Yeah, right, right, right.
Get rid of the evidence, dude.
Dude, we were just talking about Heisenberg.
One of our buddies who works here tweeted the other day that he recently re-watched.
He just finished re-watching.
He's not the smartest guy.
Breaking Bad.
And he's like, am I crazy or is Walt the bad guy?
Dude, that's the name of the show.
The whole point of it is right over the head.
I mean, God damn.
The guy who ran someone over to Aztec and hosed her out.
Is he not good?
We're not supposed to root for him?
Speaking of rooting for you, I was just looking at the special on the YouTube page.
Oh, thank you, man.
Ripping tons of views and everything,
but the feedback is so good.
Yes, thank you, man.
I mean, good feedback and nice feedback
is hard to come by on the internet.
Tell me about it.
But I mean, the people are like so, so supportive.
Now, the question is though,
do you, A, do know read that shit and see that
shit and b do you take that because to me it's like if you're gonna listen to the good comments
you gotta listen to bad comments yes i mean for me like half the reason i started therapy was
because i read too many youtube comments and like when you read comments you have to it's so weird
to have to bracket.
Okay, at some point in my life, Chris Rock has told me I'm funny.
But here, this guy.
Nobody.
He's got three subscribers in India.
Definitely wants to fuck Narendra Modi.
He's telling me I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm like, who do I listen to?
I know.
Dude, I had a therapist tell me.
She gave me a homework assignment, and she was like, start reading your comments.
Oh, my.
It hurts my feelings.
Like last year.
I was like, this is crazy.
That is insane. It was the worst session of my life afterwards.
I was like, I'm never doing that again.
And by the way, I'm reporting you to the fucking –
Yeah, you're fired.
You're at Better Business Bureau or whatever.
OSHA or whatever.
That was the worst advice I've ever gotten in my life.
Let me see your degree again.
I'm tired of this Zoom stuff.
I want to touch it.
I want to make sure it's embossed.
I think about that all the time.
They should be fucking disbarred or whatever it's called.
Lose their license.
I talked to a therapist over the internet, and it's like, I just found her on the internet.
It could just be some lady that I'm giving $250 to every time I want to touch it.
Friday, I was on stage in houston
and there was a therapist in the crowd and she had like a master's in psychology and i was like
what else do you do she's a dance therapy and i'm like what the fuck is dance therapy she's like
well i encourage my patients to dance and get loose and i'm like okay this is like seems like
someone just has like wants to see people move their shoulders in a strange way.
Got a master's in psychology to back that shit up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've reverse engineered that one. I have a gink that I need a piece of paper to say you can do.
Now make it clap.
That's worked for me a little bit, yeah.
But all jokes aside, therapy's been helpful.
Going back to the YouTube comment shit it's like like yes the
answer is i do have to read the negative ones but i have to read i have to train my brain to be like
no the positive ones are the real ones and negative ones are people who don't know how to communicate
other things yeah i do believe in that that sounds a little bit i i've said that before and some
people like oh that's convenient but i do believe that it takes uh more like you're not
gonna like willy-nilly comment like wow man that was really good and like i appreciate what you're
doing yeah and keep doing it you will just on a whim comment like fuck you that shit sucks exactly
it takes a lot more energy to be like i really enjoy this this was positive thank you for this
it's almost like the adult version or the tech version of –
I told you as a kid where it's like it only takes seven muscles to smile,
but 43 to frown.
Exactly.
It's a lot harder to say something mean than it is to say something nice.
It's a lot easier.
I'm very happy with the feedback.
I think we've created a piece of art.
That was a goal, not to sound of my own ass but it
was like that like mookie mookie thompson the director like we came in with a vision of how
do we make it aesthetically different than anything's out that is out there and just like
really feel lo-fi but hi-fi and like like people that watch it and get into it like oh this is like
incredibly well done there were
they i like the uh there was like the stairs on the on the side being exposed yes and then you
had like like shadows i for some reason i don't remember like seeing a lot of shadows in in uh
in stand up and i was like oh that's that's cool too we it was all all credit to mookie who like
we had a very low budget relative to what the special could have had as a budget.
And so like lighting design was him.
Yeah.
And,
uh,
that,
that stair thing at the end was like a little touch.
We,
I don't know if you watch it,
but if you watch closely,
you'll see that the lights come on.
Right.
When the door opens,
like all of that was him.
And it was just like,
yeah,
I think we achieved something very cool,
which is important.
I think like,
uh,
it's, there's been this kind of renaissance or golden era of comedy, whatever.
A lot of podcasts, a lot of stand-up, a lot of specials.
And they do kind of get a little redundant.
You can say too many.
Yeah.
I think the word special used to mean something.
Now it doesn't.
But so making it memorable, I mean, mean obviously hopefully through your content right but but also the way it looks the
way it's shot the length of it like whatever thing you can do to maybe differentiate i think goes a
long way to to stick out to people at what point post diagnosis so if you don't know special it's
lucky lefty um and it focuses most entirely on your testicular cancer.
The full title is Lucky Lefty or Lost My Right Nut.
All I got was the stupid special.
At what point in your process of having and beating cancer were you like, fuck yes, this is going to play?
Oh, you mean you. you like fuck yes this is gonna play oh we talk all the time about stuff on such a smaller level
but like when regular bad shit happens to us there's the first moment of like ah fuck uh my
car got towed that sucks right followed by like the show for the week is done i got this video
is gonna go viral this is gonna happen that to happen. Like bad shit is almost good in our world.
Now, we don't usually talk about cancer.
Right.
It was such a fucked up way to think about it immediately because it was like within like the first like four hours.
Because I went to the hospital that night and that night funny shit happened.
So I couldn't not immediately get into process this as what are the jokes and then for the next like five days which i detail in the special like all that happened and i was like just like how could this it's like truth is
stranger than fiction kind of thing i was like okay i'll just literally write down exactly what
happened and then figure out how to say it. So easy. So easy.
First, how do you make it a comedy?
First, get canceled.
Second, write it down.
Third, turn it into a special.
That's literally all it was.
And not to go back to the therapist shit, but I was like,
at the end of the special, I say, and this is true,
I really had no idea how I was supposed to feel because like most people feel bad that
that happened to them.
But I never,
at one point it was like,
man,
I cannot believe I'm so sad about it.
And she was like,
yeah,
you just talked about it immediately.
It was like the exposure therapy or immersion therapy.
When it was like,
yeah,
once you started processing,
like within a few hours of what was going on because you had stand-up is your outlet,
and so you never had an opportunity to be mad or sad or whatever.
You just went through it immediately.
That's very interesting.
I think about that sometimes in therapy because, like,
I'm basically just, like, telling – I'm just trying to get her to laugh.
Yes, exactly.
And I'm like, that's what I do on the show, too.
Like, I just tell, like, bad things or whatever.
Not even bad things.
Just anything that happened.
I'm like, am i just this is but this is just like a dry run for the podcast what we do like we don't it's a pre-production meeting but like all right i gotta tweak it she didn't really
laugh at that punch this up a little bit yeah i've taken some swings and they have not you say a lot of the special that I I liked but there was a lot that I kind of leveled
with my dad also had testicular cancer and when you're talking about how like women get like the
I don't want to give away too much but like how the the patch and all that shit and I was like
yeah I don't even I couldn't tell you what year my dad
got cancer. I couldn't tell you what month.
I forget all the time that he had it. You always bring it up.
Like, yeah, he would have had more kids, but he got cancer.
I'm like, oh yeah, your dad had cancer. That was the next thing
I was going to say. Because I think you say you're still
good. You can have kids. You're not kind of took
control and is like, I'm going to step up.
I'm the father that
stepped up.
My mom wanted to have six kids
Six?
And there's four of us
My dad got cancer after four
And just like
We can't have kids anymore
My mom was like
We were gonna go to six
We had to stop
Because your dad got sick
And
Now I think he made that up
I was gonna say
The best thing that ever happened to him.
If you have to pick between having one nut or having six kids, I'll take the one nut.
But maybe he's just like, no, sorry, honey, I'm shooting blanks.
Paid the doc for the teller.
I'll take this meeting alone.
Doc said we're done.
They don't work.
But they do.
The good news is I'm going to survive.
The bad news is we're done. That's fucking fucking funny that was a big conversation with the doctor and he was just he kind of made
a joke about it but he was just like listen if you were you'll still be fine having kids
but if you were to have kids with this cancer you don't want the cancerous ball kids yeah
because the sperm mixes from the both of them so you don't want to pass on you have cancer
sperm yes you don't want to make a cancer sperm kid exactly i was like interesting man
that would pass on just like the predisposition to get cancer exactly wow i was like all right
cool i don't fuck it. That's the lame cum.
That's fucking hilarious.
I mean, it all worked out.
I think it's anytime, again, to go back to differentiating,
Ari Shaffir kind of did it recently with Jew,
where it was like this one theme.
What was the theme of the movie?
But it's still, you know, you still get other comedy.
It's not, you know, you kind of spiral out and then come back to the main theme but again it's like everyone else or a lot of people
you open up about covid and then you talk about how you're happy to be back in in person
it was a lot of the same shit you know obviously there's not going to be any other special like
this i it there there's i think
tom green had a special about his answer i didn't watch it uh shout out tom green uh but for me it
was there's one guy on youtube tom green already did this exactly go to therapy uh it was a a
decision point to be like okay like this is the only thing this is going to be about uh you know
i i think
when i when i did the live taping i had some like those kinds of jokes like setup jokes to like warm
the crowd up myself a little bit but it was also such a deviation for me as a stand-up because i'd
never told a story like that before just like a 40 minute singular topic and like the design of the special
was so much work like the writing design of it because like for the first like few weeks i was
trying to make it a reveal that i had cancer and that kind of like manipulated the crowd in a way
i didn't like and i was like okay well let me just go in hit them hard with jokes the entire time
and see if i can't still make it a story and that was like
what helped me make it this compact thing because i could have like done those deviations and gone
elsewhere and all that kind of stuff but i was like fuck it like this is the story this is how
i would tell it to my cousins at a bar with them interjecting and and then after that it would be
done you know what i mean right we're going to go on like a million tangents.
Like, here's the story, guys.
Yeah.
Yeah, right, right.
I mean, I think the best comedy is always like you take the worst, darkest, saddest,
hardest, whatever, and make it funny.
At least try to.
Yeah, for sure.
Has there been a big response of like from many?
I went through that, too, because I feel like you're going to have just an army of like from many you know i i went through that too
because i feel like you're gonna have just an army of one nutted dudes being like he's right
that's true yes yeah it's speak your truth brother it's been it's been uh it's been
interesting to see how many dudes tell me about their balls
on the road i know too like after every show guaranteed if i do a meet and greet it'd be
like one or two people like, hey, man,
I went through the same thing.
And so many times.
So wait a minute.
You're telling me there's always a one-balled person in the crowd.
There's always someone who went through some crazy shit with their balls.
One time my foot slipped off the bike pedal.
On Friday, I think Friday or Saturday in Houston, I was on stage,
and some guy was like, man, you saved my life.
And I was like, what are you talking about?
He's like, I saw your special and I had a cyst and I got it checked.
And I was like, was it cancer?
He's like, no, but, you know, it was a cyst.
I'm like, bro.
Your life was never in danger.
Your life was never in danger, man.
That's fucked up.
But there's always that.
And it's been cool.
Like, people message me on Instagram like, yo, thank you for that.
I'm going to get checked because of you.
I'm like, okay, good.
At least it's working on that level.
Yeah, totally.
Also, you get the thing where you're like, well, now I got a whole other job.
Yeah.
Some guy was like, do I get checked?
What's the process?
I'm like, bro, go to the doctor.
I'm a fucking comedian, man.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Don't listen to me give me your
nuts let me feel i'll tell you right now that's what that's the problem with the internet where
like when it was first started like everyone's got a community now it's like well i don't want
to be part of a community i just want to tell a story yes exactly i don't want to be a face of
the one ball boy brigade but like i don't like go to the doctor okay fuck it's that that's the message go to the doctor
dudes don't go to the doctor no no we don't go to the doctor it's fine don't but also doctors
you had a good one they always like dude i went to the doctor recently and they were like you got
this like stomach thing and it's like you were predisposed to ulcers and you gotta like take medicine and like the
medicine's really draining and i was like all right when do i have to take that and they're
like whenever you want and i was like what do you mean and they're like what makes you really tired
so when you have like a month where things are like low oh sure i was like all right this is my
slow month i'll hit you back sometime i guess they're, I still haven't taken the medicine. I could break out in ulcers at any moment.
But...
Is that stressing you out?
Not that I want to think about it.
Bro, he takes
anti-acid
medication that's so strong
the fucking side effects
are dementia.
And by the way,
I was supposed to stop taking that months ago.
I would hope.
And you've been crazy,
man.
I've forgotten to stop taking it.
That's a good joke.
That's a funny joke.
But I actually,
I actually,
I was away last week and I ran out of the medicine and I was like,
all right,
I guess like I'll just stop now because I'm out.
And like three days, I had the worst heartburn. I like fuck it i'm sorry i didn't know that was going
on with you that's that's fucking nuts he's got both his nuts yeah yeah uh is there was there any
thought of of like i mean you said pretty much from the jump like you were making content out
of it but was there any like uh with your family or someone being like maybe we shouldn't talk about it or
be public with it i know i i i never had anything like this but there's definitely things that i'm
like i wish i didn't make that public because i gotta keep talking about it you know all that
shit my mom was definitely like are you sure you want to talk about this and i was like yeah why
not i got nothing else to talk about. Ma, I'm going to make this special.
Trying to get these views, Ma.
But almost immediately, no one in my family is like, don't say this about anything.
And so everyone was just like, yeah, obviously you're going to talk about it.
This is a major thing that's going on in your life.
I think my mom was just a little like what will people think kind of thing of like are you you're not ashamed
or embarrassed by any of it i'm like not really it's just what happened so i have to talk about it
uh there was hesitancy in me to make it uh special for like the first like few weeks or so i was
really just like because i was just annoyed
with talking about it because i bet from like a joke perspective like i'm tired of talking about
my balls like it's since that the crowd is like it's been 33 minutes still talking about it where's
the trump shit yeah yeah yeah it's like uh but that was maybe my own self like i was just being self-conscious of
like what the crowd is feeling because that's what i was feeling i was like i fucking hate which is
which is like you're always gonna especially as a comic but anybody but particularly comics who
are a lot of times telling the same jokes yeah same material but those people are hearing it
for the first time or want to hear you repeat it or yeah i want to hear like the classics so i i almost think that's one of we we do live podcasts we're doing stand-up
but we have figured out a couple things at work and we try to like run it back and even doing it
just like twice i'm like i i can't do this again i can't fake that again and i'm talking about two
times and you know you guys will do it hundreds of times on the road i don't know how how you do it you gotta i i iterated on it so many times where i was like by the by the
end by the time the special was taped i was like man i cannot wait to never say testicular cancer
or my balls or anything like that ever again like at one point we were like counting how many times
i said balls in the special just as a way to like be entertained like what was the number i don't even know like 22 i think
it's just a fucking huge like i had to keep it entertaining for myself and the way you do that
just try to add a new bit in between like something i'm chasing towards and if it hits like
great and then then i just downhill from the rest of the set.
Back to the – yeah.
I was thinking philosophically you keep calling it your left nut,
but now it's just the nut.
There's no –
No, there's a fake one in there.
Oh, you got the fake one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, right.
Okay.
And so it still hangs to the left.
Yes, sir.
So I got the lefty.
Lefty is the real one.
The right one is for the streets now.
He gone, man.
And what is the fake thing?
What's that for?
It's psychologically, I say in the special, but the doctor told me,
he was like, men need to, as a mental thing, subconsciously,
for whatever reason.
Get the fuck out.
Men feel less like men if there's just one dangling in there could you
could you have done it like i feel like if it happened to me i'd be like let me take the one
for a test drive yeah i want to be streamlined if i come in here i just want to see what it
feels like if i come back if i don't like the way it handles i'll come back we'll pop the second one
i wouldn't want to spend another billion dollars for elective. My balls feel lonely.
And the doctor, he says he told me and I might have missed it.
But to me, I don't remember him saying he's going to put a fake one in.
And I just woke up with another one there.
I was like, that's crazy.
That is crazy.
Do you think you missed it? I think i think i missed it because it
would be like a pretty big oversight i'm sure like i'm sure in the day in between surgery
like the day i got the the call was a sunday monday was like like set up payment and all
that kind of shit tuesday was surgery i'm guessing on that monday it was like uh you know here's the bill
that here's the outline of the bill that explains like where everything's going to be i'm sure
in there it was like part of it is going to be like uh a fake nut yeah yeah they just put a
fucking like egg in there i think he slid one in just because insurance typically doesn't cover it
and because like it's it is almost elective it's
just for like this quote-unquote psychological reason maybe he didn't tell you because he's like
i keep selling low but i'm gonna give you it's possible that's what i'm saying like i i can't
recall that monday conversation i was too many well like about like all the shit i had to do to
go get the like to set up the surgery i had to go to jersey city medical center like set
it all up i spent like four hours there and then when i got done they told me oh why did you go to
the hospital you could just done the blood work at home i'm like i mean like near your house it's
supposed to take an hour long uber to and sit for four hours in rounds but i saw in that call he
might have been like i'm hooking you up i got got you, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't talk about it, but you're going to wake up happy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you woke up, I would be like, all right, I got two.
My mind would start processing.
I'm like, do they do nut cadavers?
I know what you're saying.
Do you have another guy's nut?
I'm like, do they fucking pop a dead guy's nut?
Do I have dead nut in me right now?
I'm going to start feeling strange things,
like whatever that nut's actual owner's feelings were.
I had that.
A brain connection with him or something?
You start getting tingling in your balls when you see a hot dude.
Was he gay?
Was he gay, dude?
I've got gay nuts in me?
That was like a horror movie,
like a horror movie comedy idea that I had
once I realized they were going to put a fake one in.
I was like, what if I wake up with some crazy man's balls?
Do you think that's an interesting thought?
I don't think I would mentally have an issue.
If I had cancer and you took one out, I think I'd be like, all right, I have one now.
Yeah, I don't know either.
Thankfully, I don't have to find out. Yeah, i guess you don't want to go down that road i i mean i i could see
you know there's all sorts of insecurity with everything in that department but i think i'd
be like yeah i don't know i got i had a bad one i have to take it out yeah yeah
there's other shit that's way that's making me way more uncomfortable down there
i just feel like you know i'd rather less fucking i don't know it might be uh might be nice
you know just like a yeah yeah tighter smaller package
it is it is uh yeah i i mean i can imagine just even and having one conversation about it now i'm
like all right let's stop talking about your nuts.
And you've been doing it.
It's a lot.
I'm happy.
I can talk about them all day, but the room don't feel like they want it anymore.
It's like, there's shit going on in the world, bro.
Do you think you would be insecure about having one nut?
I don't think.
That's why I was saying I wanted to test drive it.
Just to see.
I'm sure there's a lot I think I'd be okay with in the moment.
There's a lot I thought I'd be okay with
in the moment
and I'm like,
I don't like this.
I think probably not
would maybe,
if the doctors were telling me,
listen to science.
I would just hate for it
to look like,
you know those,
whenever people go through
like crazy bypass surgery
and their skin like just drags.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would hate to have that.
That's just fucking loose floppy. Yeah, I, yeah. I would hate to have that. It's just fucking loose floppy.
Yeah, I would hope they would trim it up for you.
Carve up the turkey a little.
You got a jib on your balls?
Yeah.
I don't need that, dude.
That would be gross.
So I'm happy.
Thank you, doctor.
You did great work.
It's so funny.
So if this didn't happen to you where do you like i mean it
just became such a part of you know your comedy and work and special and i don't know i mean i
was uh so like i taped thank you china my first hour uh in december of 2021 and then i had uh
my entire january 2022 was like booked with crazy
dates and I did like I think at one point
13 to end January
2022 I had
like 13 shows in a row
but I was just like
and I was returning to cities that
I had performed before
so I couldn't do
the Thank You China stuff I didn't
want to I was like I don't know what these fans want but like I know as a comic like I can't do the Thank You China stuff. I didn't want to. I was like, I don't know what these fans want,
but I know as a comic, I can't do the same shit over.
So I went through all my notes for the two, three-week break that I had.
I was like, okay, let me just cobble together some starting new shit.
And then it didn't go as well as I'd hoped,
but I had a lot of fun on stage just fucking around.
And I'm confident I would have been able to,
I think my comedy would have been like topical or social or you know some hybrid of like the uh the stuff i
got into comedy for which was like chris rock stuff you know like just like talking about society and
stuff but then once this happened i was like all right i guess this is the gift and the curse you
know like i got i gotta talk about my balls but i to talk about my balls, but I got to talk about my balls.
That was it.
I have no idea.
It is a good gift because it is like there – I think with social media, you see –
everyone has a bit about something.
Obviously, that's the job.
Right.
But with clips now, they're all so much out there that –
I think the internet just kills everything a lot faster than it used to.
100%.
It used to be like once a year you see a special on HBO and you're like,
all right, I haven't even heard their take on it.
Now it's like you can only have like three takes.
Everyone's got – now it's a race to who's got the best take out fastest.
Yeah.
And that's such an annoying game to play.
But no one can beat you at yours.
Yeah, that's what's nice about it.
Yeah, you can kind of sit – when it's your personal story, it's like I can take as long as I want with this.
Exactly.
I was just hoping no one else got cancer for a very selfish reason.
Can you imagine that, dude?
It's like, well, Chappelle just put out a special.
He's got prostate cancer.
One-up, dude.
How are you feeling today?
No cancer?
I got another week.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like in the back of my head, it was like,
someone's going to have cancer soon.
Someone's going to take my shit.
That's a great thought to think.
You read the news,
someone's got like pancreatic cancer.
You're like,
God damn it.
Ruin this special.
Not pancreatic is good.
They're going to die fast.
Yeah, that's true.
We'll get rid of them fast.
They'll be out of the news cycle.
They're going to have time for a special, dude.
That's funny.
What do you think the number one thing the internet has ruined for you?
God damn.
What has the internet ruined for me?
News for sure.
Yeah, news is probably the right.
There's a right answer to that question, and it's the news.
Sorry for being correct.
Definitely the news and definitely comedy like comedy comedy is ruined it's i'm very optimistic about where
comedy is going to go uh i just think it's going to or where it's going rather it's just like
uh it took me a second just like to get to that spot where it was like,
oh, I can only talk about what I can talk about.
Aziz told me that forever ago, like in 2018 or some shit.
He's like, only talk about what only you can talk about,
and this will help you as an artist.
That's fucking great advice, man.
Everything, though, I just stay in your wheelhouse.
What are you good at?
What do you do?
Aziz is really on the forefront of all that.
I remember reading an article about – it was like a GQ whatever feature on Aziz.
This was like probably six, seven years ago, maybe more.
And he was like – the article was about how he just has a flip phone.
I remember like just reading.
It was like I walked into the writer.
I was like I walk into the bar and Aziz Asansari is just standing there. And like like in this day and age he's not on the phone he there's no glow on his face like in this day and age like that is the utmost sign of confidence
that's a guy who's just like i'm good hanging out i'm good i'm good with who i am what i am and i'll
just i'll chill until someone needs me yeah yeah no he it's something i want to emulate which is
like i saw him in l in London a few months ago.
We were just hanging, but it was like flip phone whenever he needed to text me.
And I was like, that's fucking crazy, bro.
I can't wait to get there.
But I think it's more like also like a huge career flex.
Like, yeah, I don't need any of this shit.
That's more of a luxury than a –
I think that when you reach – if you're super talented or reach a certain level,
the mystery is a good thing.
Yes.
And then if you're not, it's like I just got to throw everything at them.
Exactly.
I don't know what's going to hit, so I'm going to try absolutely everything.
I'm trying to play – I try to go back and forth
between strategically of, like,
how much am I going to give to the people
versus what I'm, like, with the specials,
like, okay, I'll just incrementally put parts of it out.
That's fine.
But now that I'm back on tour and stuff,
it's like, I got to flood the marketplace again.
Flood it.
Because it's like, yeah, the arrogance to be like,
I'm going to be mysterious yeah it's
not a mystery if no one's looking into it like no you know yeah it's pure arrogance to be like
ah people will fuck with it and then the arrogance is always this insecurity right it's like i don't
know if people will fuck with it let me keep fucking going like i'm not gonna i don't have
an ego about it right now about putting stuff out versus not putting stuff out.
I on purpose create a lot of stuff while I'm on the streets and the road.
So might as well use it.
And that's what got me to where I'm at right now in the first place.
By the way, was the whole process of it physically draining and hard?
Or was it just like in and out and you were good?
Ball cancer?
Yeah.
Lightwork? Was it physically draining and hard, or was it just in and out and you were good? Ball cancer? Yeah. Light work.
I went to eat at the Maka, the Indian restaurant in the city.
This was before I knew the guy, but my friends had secured a reservation weeks in advance for six people at a table at the Maka.
It's impossible for six people.
We got it prime time, and was like the day after my surgery and i was like there's no way i'm not going
you rolled up stitched up to my doctor was like yeah you can go you'll be it was like the anesthesia
that they have is like uh they put uh i forget what the anesthetic is but they dissolve it in fat
and like that like that's what they
inject locally and so it dissolves over five days so you don't have to take like opiates or anything
like that it's just five for five days you feel nothing and you just got to put a ice pack on
so the day after surgery i felt i could like fucking flick nothing happened
so i just put an ice pack on, giant sweatpants, called an Uber.
Waddle your ass.
We got to eat.
It was a table for five, but we got one for six, so I could do this the whole time.
Fucking eating, bro.
It was awesome.
That's crazy. Yeah, yeah.
I didn't realize that.
Yo, next time, don't tell people that story.
My excuse is the reason I don't go to things.
Dude, he went out for dinner after ball cancer day one.
You can come out to dinner, too.
It was exactly, I was blown away by how easily, how quick the recovery was.
And obviously the doctor was like, well, don't go fucking working out or anything like that.
But, like, after five days, you're pretty much fine.
The main majority of the pain will be gone.
Take Advil if you feel anything.
But, like, ten days later, I was on stage.
No shit.
I was like, Doc, can I push the surgery?
He was like, no, you should do it immediately.
I was like, how quickly can I go back on the road?
He was like, you'll walk a day after.
You'll be fine.
I was like, okay.
Two weeks later, I can go on the airplane?
He's like, yeah, of course.
Your ball's not going to explode or nothing.
It's just going to come.
I am always.
Are you a pussy?
Yeah.
I am always
he's going to call me
to ask how many
Advil you should take
do whatever you want
Jesus Christ
you're a man
you got two balls
I put one in there
be a man about it
doctors are crazy man
I can't believe
that these guys
figured out how to do
all this shit
yeah yeah
he was a cool dude
he was very funny
the anesthesia
they say
but you don't have to do that
right
the anesthesia is always like the scariest part that no one thinks about.
No, they put me under.
Oh, they put you under.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, they still have to cut you open.
The local shit I'm talking about is afterwards so that like you don't have any pain management-wise.
Oh, okay.
But like, no, they put me under.
If you were awake for your own nut being taken out, I don't know if I can handle that.
Yeah, no.
Do you remember that old picture that the
fucking guy in iceland i think it is taking out his own appendix it's wild what no yeah he did it
to himself yeah it's like he was like he was a scientist who was like in iceland or fucking the
antarctica where the fuck he was slash crazy person scientist and was like like he had he
was having appendicitis and there was no one
that could do it.
Holy shit.
That's crazy.
That's,
yeah,
that's,
is he still alive?
Did you,
did you see the nut?
No,
no,
I really wanted to see it.
Yeah,
like,
sometimes you get like the,
you know,
you get your tooth out
or the bone or some shit.
No,
no,
I wanted to see it
yeah someone sent me a video like people use the stupidest instagram shit you know like indeed i'm
sure you guys know but like dms one dude sent me like this is what balls look like oh yeah thanks
man i really need to see what yeah yeah he's a russian Of course. Just fucking doing it himself.
That's wild.
That is insanity.
That's gangster.
How?
What the fuck?
That's like Cameron driving himself to the hospital.
I thought Cameron driving himself to the hospital was cool.
Imagine if Cameron just operated on himself.
That's really gangster.
Yeah, that's bananas, dude.
That's fucking sick.
The bleeding is quite heavy, but I take my time.
Oh, he also took notes while he did it.
Opening the peritoneum, I injured the blind.
I just sewed it up.
Jesus.
Hell yeah.
Well, we're happy your nuts are good, man.
Yes, thank you very much.
I'm happy it's been good for business, too.
I mean, the special's flying.
I know the new wave is the YouTube thing,
but there's some that stand out more than others,
and I think this is definitely one of those ones that I'm man it's and i'm i'm sure it's opening a lot of doors to to to the
next step it's it's just the the most like proof of concept thing across all industries i think
right now is like the youtube special for comedy where it's just like all right you didn't want
you don't want to you don't want my special okay fine i'll do it myself bam yes you do yes because
350 000 people are watching it.
Look at all the feedback.
Yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.
The people like it, and I think the direct-to-consumer boom that's going on in comedy is not going to go away.
No.
Yeah, it's only going to be more and more of that.
So good on you, and I guess I hope the next special is not anything too traumatic or tragic.
I lost my left nut, and now I'm a woman.
Before we let you go, last question.
We like to have fun facts from our guests, and we wonder if you have one.
We've had, I actually picked up a couple recently.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
A fun fact. I have a couple recently. Oh yeah? Yeah. A fun fact,
I have my motorcycle license.
Oh.
I'm not sure if that's a fun fact or not,
but that's probably the one that,
that's what I go to in improv classes
when, you know,
you start talking bullshit.
Do you ride?
No,
I haven't,
I've never ridden a motorcycle
outside of the class I took
to get the license.
Wait,
why did you do it?
Because I wanted a motorcycle and my mom
was like, yeah, we'll get you one. And my dad was like, hard stop.
No, you're not getting a bike after I got my
license. He just let me get my license
and then I went to college
and then I realized, no, a motorcycle is
a fucking death sentence.
There's no way to get one.
We had Burton recently and he was talking about
how his daughter can't
pass her driving exam and she's not worried because she's like, I'll just get a motorcycle.
He's like, that's not how it works.
Her legit answer, I'll just get a motorcycle.
That way I'll be able to drive.
Dad will just get me a driver.
Yeah.
Just get me a driver.
All right, dude.
You got time to shoot a YouTube video?
Of course.
Cool.
Let's do it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you guys, man.
It's Lucky Lefty or I Lost My Left Nut.
I Lost My Right Nut.
My Right Nut.
My bad.
I had to show for it.
It's a stupid special.
It's on YouTube.
Go check it out.
Please. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.