KFC Radio - Not 100% Straight, Beggin Bloggers, and History Hyenas

Episode Date: January 14, 2020

Christ Distefano and Yannis Pappas of the History Hyenas podcast come in HOT! We discuss falling in love with men, hot actors, and Chris shows us a photo of his junk (all in the first 5 minutes). We also talk about the first time we masturbated, the Catholic Church, and the real side of history no one teaches you.After the interview, KFC and Feits talk about the strangers asking them for money, creative punishments for the Houston Astros, and Feits drops some wisdom about making money. Voicemails include: The Hot Grocer, the Marine Coworker, and Cupid or Creepy. You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio, brought to you by Screwball. Let's do our standard shot here. Screwball whiskey, peanut butter flavored whiskey, for all you screwballs out there. But basically anybody who likes peanut butter and likes whiskey and likes a good smooth flavored drink. Anyone who's a human being is what it should be. I'm still just

fascinated by the science of it all. It's an incredibly smooth drink. Unlike a lot of other flavored liquors and whiskeys in general. It is just nice. Sometimes it's too sugary. It almost feels like syrup. You know what I mean? This is just like they somehow infused peanut butter in there, and that is a very – I feel like a pretty universally liked flavor.

Yeah, unless it kills you. I don't know many people – yeah, I was going to say. Flavor, like danger-wise, fine. I don't know anyone who's like, I hate the taste of peanut butter. It's true. It's pretty universal and a pretty good idea. There are a lot of people out there like you who don't like chocolate and mint, but peanut butter is straight up.

That makes perfect sense. Across the board. Good. Me and Big Daddy Trent, we're going to run on a ticket one day. Vice President, President, keep mint in the bathroom. That's the platform right there. Keep mint in the bathroom, but put the peanut butter in the whiskey. I don't know who came up with this.

I don't know why they did it, how they thought of it, but hats off to them for doing it. To the Misfits, the Black Sheep, and the Screwballs. Oh, and Caramel. I was going to say, it's not just whiskey. It's not just peanut butter. It's the caramel, too. And so people have been tweeting us recipes with grape stuff to make it like peanut butter and jelly and jalapeno stuff because peanut butter and spicy goes together.

So it really opens all sorts of doors. I love when we revolutionize the drinking game because it's been going on since the beginning of time and yet we're still just finding new ways to get our buzz on. I always wonder, I think about this shit all the time when it comes to food and then weed and all sorts of stuff. How do you stumble upon these things? Like a weed plant one day caught on fire for some reason and someone was like, whoa.

It got inside the teepee. Some smoke came in there. But even tobacco. It's like the first person who was like, let's take this shit from the ground, roll it up in paper, light it on fire, and suck on it. It's just brilliant innovators. Thank you to them. I don't understand it, but I'm very thankful.

How they fermented shit first to make it alcohol. Don't know. Left the grape juice in the basement for a long time. Yeah. That actually kind of makes sense to me. There was some lazy idiot like us who was like, eh, still good enough. The next thing you know, you're like, I'm dancing and I have no inhibitions. And I'll go talk to that girl, that cave woman over there.

Whatever. But I don't know how they do it, why they do it. But Screwball Whiskey, that peanut butter flavored whiskey, it's one of the best drinking innovations maybe of all time. But enjoy it responsibly. Advertisement by Screwball Spirits in San Marcos, California. Whiskey with natural flavors and caramel color. 35% alcohol by volume. Now available nearly everywhere.

Ask for it at your favorite bar or restaurant. So we have an absolutely fucking hysterical show. This is one of our best episodes of all time. It really is. And you know that we're saying that because we are depressed. We suffer from depression. And we have no self-worth around here. We have nothing but self-doubt through the fucking roof. And we never compliment ourselves or our own show. So when we say it, we fucking mean it. I like that. We have nothing but self-doubt through the fucking roof and we never like compliment ourselves

for our own show. So when we say it, we fucking mean it. I like that. We don't cry wolf. We're not like, today's episode is the best ever. This one.

I feel like we say that sometimes. Do we? Yeah, I think so. Like, today's episode's the best? No, but like, I don't think I ever, I think it's just the way like,

I think I just, I think I probably put it in every tweet. It was like, great episode today. Yeah. Here's what happened. Well, that's part of this promotion. But to say it, and to really feel it. Yeah, to mention it in every tweet. It was like, great episode today. Here's what happened. Well, that's part of the promotion.

But to say it and to really feel it on the show. You know what I'll do is I'll definitely say this one voicemail we got is fucking bananas. I mean, because they are. They consistently are. But to say a whole episode is like, look the fuck out for this one. When we say that, we mean it and it's it has nothing to do with us it has everything to do with the history hyenas boys we got chrissy d and yanni p the stefano and yannis papas are here and they're just i mean you said it best

after the interview after the segment we were like tired i was i was sweating i was exhausted it was there's a lot you know what it is it's it's very it's sports like it's like you gotta keep up you know you get to stefano in here and he's so fucking funny so like loud and animated and you feel like you gotta match his intensity and energy and next thing you know you're going for 45 minutes and you're like yeah it's like you're playing you're playing like pick up all the kid versus playing pick up all someone who really knows how to play yes yes it's like all right i'm gonna fucking play. I'll play. There really is such a tangible, you know, these really

funny guys. It's just like, yep, that was funnier than the average person. We come across a lot of interesting people, a lot of funny people, but you get a Soder or a DiStefano or guys like that cooking and it's just like, god, everything you say is fucking ridiculous. DiStefano today, particularly.

He showed us his dick in six minutes. It's such a magnificent dick, man. I mean, it is a great dick. Through sweatpants, at least. We didn't see the real thing. We'll put it on. Go to Barstool Gold if you want to see Chris DeStefano's dick, which you do.

You know what I mean? People are like, oh, that's gay, dude. You're looking, okay? You're either just like us, the spicy boys, who are like, I want to check out that dick, or you're probably toe-tapping like just like us the spicy boys are like i want to check out that dick or you're probably like toe tapping under the bathroom like you say you don't want to but you probably want to suck it you know i want to see it you probably want to fuck it okay so just stefano's dick awesome uh we talk about american history we talked about uh

stds we get we hit it all with the history hyenas boys do we just do that off the top yeah let's get into that because that's by far the fucking best part of today's episode. Come on back after the interview. We'll do our voicemails, and we've got to get into baseball talk with the Astros, and we've got all sorts of poor people begging us for money. We've got some things to talk about today. But first things first, Chris DiStefano, Giannis Papas, this interview is brought to you by Manscaped.

Now, I've got a dick that you know it needs all the help it can get where like size wise so i'm always trying to trim and and cut it in such a way that it you know make sure optical illusion it looks a little bit bigger to stephano could let that thing he could let that grow like a fucking crazy forest and his shit's still gonna peek out through the through the treetops okay but for the rest of us manscaping can actually help your cause a little bit you know you kind of trim it all the way to the base like i'm the kind of guy when i'm measuring with the ruler you know you push it all the way in so you got to get rid of all that all that bush you got to make sure you keep it clean keep it smooth your lady friend

or your guy friend if you're like us on the spectrum on the on the kinsey scale like we talk about in this interview you got to uh kind got to make sure your partner is enjoying that. So I've also heard, I have not yet done it, I've certainly manscaped, but I have not done the ball deodorant yet, which I heard it's like an experience. It's like, whoa. I believe the direct phrase was like,

it's fucking epic from our guy upstairs. So they got the ball deodorant which makes sense too it's like it's one of the more you know your armpits are all smushed and stinky and you need deodorant there well you also need it down below as well so it's got the lawnmower trimmer it's got the ball deodorant it's got a whole kit to make sure that you uh that it smells good it feels good and looks good and uh, you can get 20% off that entire kit when you go to manscaped, the D at the end,.com, and use the promo code KFC.

You get the best tools for the job at the best price possible, 20% off and free shipping. You get the crop preserver, the deodorant, the skin-safe technology on the trimmers for the lawnmower, and keep up with the times and make sure you're all trim and smooth. Manscaped.com. Promo code KFC for 20% off plus free shipping. Holy shit.

The History of Hyenas boys are in the building. Yes. Yanni Pappas. Yannis is here. Chrissy D. How you doing, everybody? Let's go. We're here.

We're queer. You guys are super gay. Yes. You might be the only two guys gayer than me and him on the internet. Here's the thing. Here's the thing with me. And Giannis, we're in the same boat. I'm not 100% gay.

It's Rosie O'Donnell's cruise. I'm not 100% gay, but I'm not 100% straight. That's what it is. So I can tell. I fall in love with men, but I have sex with women. So you take that how you want. But I definitely like girls. But it's like if you're going to sit here and be like, are you a straight guy?

It's like, no. No. But I ain't gay either. Definitely not. His sexuality, like some people are gay, some people are straight. Chris is 100% disturbed. Sexuality is disturbed. It comes in around here a lot.

Like, who's your dream girl? Who's the hottest girl in Hollywood? I'm like, I don't know. Ask me who's the hot guy. I'm like, you got an hour? Yeah. Ryan Reynolds. We got Ryan Gosling.

If you ask me, who would I pay a million dollars to kiss on the lips? The answer is Tom Hardy. That's what it is. So it's just Tom Hardy, that little pint-sized fuck. I'll get right at his lips immediately. Yeah, sure, I want to make out with Rosario Dawson and other beautiful women. But it's like, Tom Hardy just looks like he smells good. I'll get right at his lips immediately. Yeah, sure, I want to make out with Rosario Dawson and other beautiful women, but it's like Tom Hardy just looks like he smells good.

I've watched that piece of shit movie with fucking Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine, I think, a hundred times. For Chris Pine. For both of them. I mean, both of them. Absolutely. It was Ready for War or something like that. Something about war.

Oh, yeah. And it's a terrible movie, but it's a fucking awesome movie because the guys in it are so hot. Dude, the only way I get, like, truly super hard is if I listen to, like, a really intellectual man. Like, we did an episode on History of Hyenas with Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I was rock fucking hard. Like, it was hurting my balls. Yeah. And I went home and I immediately tried to have sex with a woman that wasn't available, so I just jerked off

to Tom Hardy. You're just a gay man who's waiting for his dad to die to come out of the closet. It wasn't available, so I just jerked off to Tom Hardy. You're just a gay man who's waiting for his dad to die to come out of the closet. I got what it is. That's what it is. I got huge triceps from pushing down the gate.

When you talk about that, where it's like, I've reached a stage in my porn-watching career where I'm like, I'll throw a fucking dude search in there. Oh, yeah. Man, well,

I exclusively search male porn stars. Dude, we did research. We did a neuroscience research on our podcast, and it said that guys who watch trans porn, him, who like that, it's actually not gay at all. Because what we're most attracted to as men is big dicks and big tits. So a trans person's got a huge dick and big titties. That's what we like. It excites our minds. That's old hat.

That's old news. Tranny porn is way straighter than regular. 100%. It's just more boobs and ass and shit. It's just an extra dick in there.

If I'm having sex with someone who's trans and she's pre-op and I just, in your mind, it's making that gay if you're doing it doggy style,

you just pretend like your dick was so big it popped through the other side. That's what it is. That's all it is. That's what it is. You just gotta use your dick was so big it popped through the other side. You know? That's what it is. That's all it is. That's what it is. You just got to use your imagination.

100% disturbed. 100% disturbed. 100% disturbed. And you got a decent-sized dick. You have, what, seven inches, you said, right? No. Who, me? You six or seven?

No, no. I'm six and I'm six with a lie. Six with a lie. Yeah, I'm six with a lie. So your dick's like my license where it says six-two. Six-two, yeah.'re just like my license Where it says six two Six two, yeah I'm like five and three quarters But with Air Max on

My dick is six Air Max will take you like another inch I'm about I would say I'm about Seven inches eight with warts That's what it is Because you got a seven inch piece That's a pretty decent

Do you really got seven inches? Not A woman has never told me That she's had a problem with my dick. But that's different than 7 inches, dude. No one's ever said that to me either, but I don't have a 7-inch dick. I got a 7-inch piece. I got pictures of it on my phone. I can pull it right out.

Let's take a look. I can pull out my fucking mind. I mean, I'd love to see it. I would absolutely love to see your dick. I can pull it right out, fellas. We're off to the races. We're off to the fucking races on KFC Radio. Yeah, it's what it is.

Let me just find it. I got it saved in my gift. How's your job here? Are you guys safe? Yeah, we're good. He's pulling on his dick. Hold on. We're going to find it in a second.

Yeah, it's a nice fucking nice. Now, before I see it. You go hard dick peg. You go three quarters. You're about to see, baby. Before you show us, let me just tell you the type of disturbed kid Chris is. Before I really knew him, like we kind of knew each other, he sent me a pic of his dick before we had a full conversation.

I have to know if I can trust you or not. Whoa! Yeah, show it to the camera. Can you legally show it to the camera? Go ahead. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. That's a Coke can in his pants. That's what it to the camera. Can you legally show it to the camera? Can I? Go ahead. Yeah? Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. That's a Coke can in his pants.

That's what it is, fellas. That's a fucking zucchini. That's an eggplant. That's it. I think you're underselling yourself here, Ron. That's like 10. Yeah. Is that full?

That's full. That's full wood. Are you also grabbing your balls at the bottom there? Is that all shaft? Because when I do that exact picture, I grab the balls and try to make it look like a thing. I don't know, but I'm definitely, I'm forward because I listened to an Obama speech.

This guy's real smart. Yo, Chrissy D and the D stands for fucking dick, dude. No, no, no. Yeah. So it's what it is. No wonder you walk around

with all this confidence cracking these jokes and shit. You got a fucking log in there. You just go in there and you have a good time. I'll be honest. That's borderline inconvenient. I don't know if I'd want that dick of a dick.

I remember in high school I had this kid who was on the hockey team. I mean, he had like a fucking Pringle can. And I was like, dude, what the fuck is that? That makes no sense. And he was like, yeah, this hot chicken in our school. I tried to fuck her in the jacuzzi this weekend. She was like, no. I was like, I'm done. You must run into problems. Who her in the jacuzzi this weekend and just like she was like no I was like alright

I'm done you must run into problems who's fucking the jacuzzi you're gonna get meningitis yeah 17 year olds that's who's fucking it kids who haven't heard

of STDs and stuff like that I used to work in college I used to work at a health club and they had a hot pool and like

and gay guys actually they have ways that they communicate and some of it would be like leaving shit or something like that to let them know that another gay guy's there. It was weird signs. My manager could have been lying to me.

A little bread comes around the place? Take a shit pebble and put it there. Wait, when you say shit, you mean actual shit? Shit, yeah. What? I thought you meant like their fucking keys. No, it's kind of like wait when you say shit you mean actual literal shit yeah interesting what I think they meant like they're fucking keys no it's like actual shit

he could have been lying to me though he could have been lying to me the gay community is a wild a wild community you know about bug chasing

no do tell let me tell you about bug chasing this is something I just learned and it's a movie about his own life he's been

I'm Chrissy the bug chaser so it's it's when a guy has sex, unprotected, bareback, raw, dizzy sex with another guy who he knows has HIV. Has the bug. Yes, has the bug. And they get off by chasing the HIV bug.

Whether they get it or not, they don't care. It's about coming, about the thrill of the bug. What? It's wild. That's like the most dangerous game. That's who put it out. Yeah, I thought you were talking about humans hugging the bug yeah well it's wild that's like the most dangerous game that's yeah i thought yeah i got in humans on the boat that's what they do yeah that's what they do but

they're curing it yeah i mean yeah i won't get a blow i'll chase the bug right now that shit is gone anywhere on her body like not even she can have a pimple on her back i'm like it could be her i'll see razor burn let's put this off a week or so. I'm more scared of bedbugs than HIV at this point. HIV's fake. That's fine. Bedbugs are like, they're my new pregnancy scare. Every night I'll wake up and I'll be like, dry skin from the fucking heat or something like that. Like bedbugs.

You can't get them out. How about you STD shaming when you walk around with an STD like every other week? All day, every day. But yet you won't touch a girl who has a pimple. Get out of here, you hypocritical fuck. Chrissy Chlamydia, stay drippy. No, but actually, to be honest with you, eight weeks, man.

I've been eight weeks celibate. By choice or by? By choice. No, by choice. With that hammer, of course. I was like, you know what? I fucking, you know, one too many times. After you get Chlamydia the second time, you're like, this is disgusting.

What are you doing? Like, grow up. You're in your mid-30s. You've got a family. Stop with the drippy. So I've been eight weeks celibate. I did get a blow-in in Denver, but what can you do? No P&V.

And the next time I go P&V, it will be with a condom. I'm now Christy Condoms. No way. Formerly Christy Chlamydia. Wow. Formerly SKA Christy Chlamydia. It's like Christy Condoms and Jordan on the Wizards. Yeah, man. I'm wearingly FAA. It's like Chrissy Connelly, Jordan on the Wizards. Yeah, man.

It's different. I'm wearing number 45 now. Holy shit. Dude, especially when you're strapping a condom on that thing. That's not going to be fun, man. I go Magnum, babies. You got to go Maggie's. You got to go Maggie's.

Oh, I have, like, we had in middle school, one of the sex ed teachers taught us, taught the girls, like, just so you know, ladies, if he says the sex ed teachers taught us, taught the girls. Like, just so you know, ladies, if he says the condom doesn't fit, he's lying. And she put the whole thing on her forearm. Yeah. And she did that with a regular condom. So since then, I've been like, fuck dudes with magnums. You don't even need that shit.

You don't even need that shit. You don't even need that shit. You don't even need that shit. Liar. I know. I saw Miss Kitchen put that shit down her fucking armpit. You don't need that. I'll be honest with you.

I always put the magnum on, but I always am holding the bottom of it. When she's on top of me, I'm just like, just to make sure. It fits, but it doesn't fit. It's not a great fit. But it is a fit. You put it on, then pull out a clothespin and just pin the back. Tape it down. I'm like, you have duct tape, babe?

I did it once in college just to kind of be like, I could wear a Magnum. I was fucking a trash man. Like, I couldn't even feel a vagina. It was just like Coming in and out of This fucking hefty bag It's funny cause I think Every Every guy tries one on

At some point Everyone's like Even if you know You're not getting in it You just wanna You wanna hope that you can And then your dick Just looks like left eye

From fucking From TLC TLC Alright Don't wanna let Andre Rison's house I'm tired

It's a bad bitch That's a bad bitch. That's a bad bitch. Did you guys ever jerk off in condoms? Did I ever jerk off in a condom? No. No? No, but I don't jerk off. You haven't lived yet.

I don't jerk off like this. I make a vagina on my cum, and I lay down, and I lay my dick on my stomach, and I rub the shit out of it. That's how I jerk off. It's wild. You know, it's not like how I jerk off you jerk off wrong it's like a fucking

eternal show that's what I like to do you rub your dick against your own belly and then I come into my belly I come in my belly button yeah

I mean on you it's your throat yeah yeah yeah why do you do that I don't know because I think I use because I'm disturbed because I used to

when I first started jerking off whatever I was 10 years old I would rub a pillow on my dick and hump the pillow. And then I just started using my hand. I don't jerk off like this. That's weird, but you can't beat this guy. What do we got?

When he first started? Oh, yeah. The first time I did it, it was like – I mean I was fucking chill. Why not? Yeah, you just got to do it. Go to Barstool World and watch this. I mean he wasn't even close. I was on my bathroom floor and I was this, and then I had my dick up.

Legs overhead, reaching around his own thighs. Oh, my God. Could you imagine being your dad walking into that? Being like, what the fuck? What are you kids into these days? I'm just waiting for a guy to come in and plug in the other hole. Plug it in. I don't know why.

Is this how everyone jerk off? I'd seen one porn ever, and it was at my buddy's house. His dad had a black box we were watching wrestlemania and then like the black box broke just in the middle of it and porn came on sure and it was like kind of both of us like we're probably like seven both of us like i mean i'll change if you want to change yeah and then watch porn and it was his anal porn so i just thought that was the way you fought for a long time i just thought like you just fucking the ass that's yeah that's how big that's where babies just thought that was the way you fucked for a long time. I just thought, you're just fucking the ass.

That's the way it is. That's where babies are made. You just shit them right out. But the girl was like that. And I don't know. I just thought anyone who's doing any fucking should be on their back with their legs up. Let me tell you what. I fucking finished them.

The first time you had sex, you were just in that position. You're like, wait, you want me to strap on a dildo? That shit really made me laugh. It's fun. You're jerking just in that position. You're like, wait, you want me to strap on a dildo? That shit really made me laugh. It's fun. You're jerking off with an invite. You're like, I'm finding whoever it was. There's an opening here. I think I was doing blanks, too.

So I was like, I don't know what the fuck is going on. Just trying to pee because I figured that's how you get to come out. God, talk about making it more complicated than it needs to be. That's the answer. You guys all pretzeled up. This is how you do it, right? Just fucking grab it and hammer it up and down. Just grab it and stroke it more complicated than it needs to be. That's the answer. Get yourself pretzeled up. This is how you do it, right? Just fucking grab it and hammer it up and down. Just grab it and stroke it.

I know. I know. At any point, you have a hunch like, hey, man, I'm doing too much here. Yeah, I woke up with a sore back. Woke up the next morning like I'd fucking been doing deadlifts. Yeah, you're like, hey, do you have any ice here? They're like, why? You're like, jerking off.

I was jerking off. I had to have kids in the back of the bus be Yeah, you're like, hey, do you have any ice you have? They're like, why are you jerking off? I was jerking off. I had to have kids in the back of the bus be like, you did what? I was like, no, I was just playing. I was just playing. It was a joke.

It was a joke. I like when you're with your girl at a certain point like you guys jerk off in front of each other because it's hot. Let's jerk off.

The first time you were with your girl for like, let's jerk off and she started playing with herself and you were like, let's do it. Oh, that's right.

I'm glad to know you know how to do it. Perfect. She was like, let's do it. Oh, that's right. I'm glad to know you know how to do it. Perfect. She was like, yay. Throw your legs back. All right, let's start the interview. Want to start it off? Yeah, I mean, it's gracious.

We got a new podcast that we signed to our team, and it's these funny black guys, $1 million worth of game, and they call us the Spicy Boys because we're super gay. Sure. And if they listen to this episode, I mean, we're full jalapeno at this point. Beyond gay. Jesus. Beyond gay.

Do they do it out of the New York office? No, they're from Philly. They just joined up. It was like their first week, and they came in here, and they were just like, you spicy. You spicy. Took me a couple times to realize I meant gay, and then I was like, yeah, you're right. That's what it is.

Yeah, well, what are you going to do? So, yeah, I mean, God made me this way. That's why people, this is why people shit. Yeah. It's the definition of why people shit. How about this? You fuck like a fleshlight or a toy or anything like that? You've never done that?

No. I've never fucked a fleshlight. My boy, Mike Cannon, fucks fleshlights. Yeah, I mean. He's doing it right under the butt. Yeah, he got sponsored by them once for his comedy. Yeah, that's how much he would talk about it on stage. Mike Cannon.

Listen, if there's sponsorship dollars, I'll start fucking doing this publicly. I mean, I'll stop shaming it because I've done it once. Didn't care for it. No, I don't love it. I don't love the pocket pussies. And now I have it. Like, I just never used it again, so I never cleaned it. So it's just under my bed.

It has to just reek of, like, old cum. It's got to be. Did you not even clean it? No, I didn't clean it. I knew I was never going to use it again, so I was like, fuck this thing. I mean, it's like a baby's going to grow out of that, man. Like an alien's going to come out of there. Human life is being born.

Life finds a way. I don't have a gun. I'm just going to throw a baby's going to grow out of that, man. Like an alien's going to come out of there. Human life is being born. Life finds a way. I don't have a gun. I'm just going to throw a fucking. Flesh line. That would probably work better. I'd be like, all right, I'm out of here. Yeah. Holy shit.

All right. So. I did fuck a Vicks Vaporub once. Yeah, that's just wild. This kid did that. It's a true story. That could not have felt good, right? No, it was.

I was just out of pure curiosity. You know, like the jar. It comes in the jar. Yeah. So I just started fucking it. It feels good. Because I want to see. I was like, in the jar so I just started fucking it it feels good cause I wanna see I was like

is the burn gonna be like feel good you live on the wild side it's the opposite of that it really was a bad experience and you went into that thing raw

yeah I feel like that's more dangerous than chasing the bug I fucked a jar that's worse than chlamydia yeah

it comes remember the jars right right no but I'm saying so like your tip went right in? Yeah. Because, like, you know when you get the shampoo in there, when you're young and stupid, you

jerk off a shampoo and the soap gets in and it burns? I didn't. The Vicks VapoRub, nothing? I mean, I feel like that was just the insides. It went in there. Yeah. I didn't think it out. Like, if I'm fucking a Vicks VapoRub, I'm definitely not thinking, is this going to

go in my pee hole? Yeah. I haven't thought anything through. No. So, you're right. You are correct, sir. Some got in my pee hole. It was brutal. Yeah. I mean, it burns for a long time. And that's, sir. So I'm getting my pee hole. It was brutal.

I mean, it burns for a long time. And that's like Vaseline-ish too, right? When you start to wash Vaseline off, it doesn't even work. The water starts beating up. And it's in your fucking urethra. Right. It's like when you got Rain-X on your windshield. You put Vaseline on your dick, the water ain't.

I can't believe I didn't end up with you in the hospital. It was bad. I mean, it was bad. You said those kids at camp who would go around And be like who gave you five bucks to put Icy hot on my dick or something like that Even those kids weren't crazy They'd be like you want to see me fuck this paper ice No

I can't man I understand why kids do all types of crazy stuff though You got this penis it gets hard Then when you realize it starts feeling good You're like I gotta put this thing some places well you also your brain that like i know now when i'm like cloudy or just agitated i'm like oh i gotta come and like get rid of this you know when you're like eight and you don't know and your dick's hard your brain's all fucked up you don't you know and you don't even have to shove it in this fucking jar you know you don't even

know that just if i get if i get over get this over with i'll be fine yeah i used to rub my dick underneath my desk in Catholic school. Did you guys used to do that? I had like a low-ranking desk. Do not ask that question like anyone has ever answered yes. I used to shake it and rub it until I had no cum, but I would get like a good sensation. And I would always look at the girl next to me, Tiffany, and just lock onto them. And then like nothing would come out, and it was like early masturbation stuff.

I still look confused. So the desk, I would sit at a Catholic school desk. It had – like you could put your books in the desk. It would come down. The bond desk would come down. I remember that. So it was right on my legs, and then I would move close, up to it as close as I could. And just –

Kind of like back and forth? Kind of. But like you have to be – you can't let anybody know what you're doing. So it was kind of just like isometrics where you just – Kegels. Yeah, just doing kegels on it. But that's how I would come. But, you know, shoot a blank.

And then every time I would come, there was a girl, Tiffany, who sat in the row next to me. I would just look at her. She didn't know what I was doing. She thought I was looking over at her. That is the most normal thing happening at that Catholic school. At that Catholic school, yeah. Shout out St. Matthias. You have to go to church.

It's not good, right? 100%. We used to have to go to church every Thursday morning. And without fail. It's like I would cross the threshold into church, go take my seat. Boner. Hard. And you start being like, I get the priest now.

Oh, dude. You got to do something. Dude, I'll never forget. I was an altar boy. I was an altar boy. I was maybe 12 years old, 11, 12 years old. Father Bill asked me to go up stairs in the church to get him a certain kind of robe for the mass. And then he followed me.

And then I blacked out. And I don't remember what happened after that. So it's just a true story. And I just have no more memory of it. But then I just remember ringing the bells for the fucking communion in the church. And listen, maybe I got hit. Maybe I didn't. But I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Father Bill.

So thank you so much. I'll probably kill myself at 40, but what can you do? One day it's going to come back. It's not going to be good, but hey. Everything makes sense now. The first 20 minutes all make sense now. Yep, yep. So, yeah.

So, history, huh? History, yeah. There's a lot of it. We're making it right now. It's great. But I've got to admit, the Catholic Church's a lot of it. We're making it right now. But I've got to admit, the Catholic Church had a good run. I mean, I'm not even going to talk past tense. I think they're still on a pretty decent run.

They make money. Catholics make money. Dude, if you're talking about like – We talk about this all the time. The Notre Dame. Notre Dame caught on a little bit of fire, and we donated billions of dollars to like the richest company in the world. You guys got to fix that attic. A billion. Yeah.

You had a couple old artifacts up there, maybe a painting. Yeah, it was all, Notre Dame caught on a little bit of fire. It was all over the news for weeks. Australia's been on fire

for months. Nobody, I mean. Koalas dead everywhere. Kangaroos rotting flesh. And koalas don't rape kids when we gave them money. But they do have chlamydia. So do I.

Yeah. Yeah, the Catholic Church, dude, they, I mean, they are, it's like. Dominated. Dominated pedophilia for a long time. Yeah, that too. I mean, they were like the fucking bulls in the 90s, dude. And it is wild because they had a run. Because like even in history, like when we talk about like on history, I mean, as we

did a whole episode on it, like in 325 AD, the Council of Nicaea, Emperor Constantine just decided what the rules were for Catholicism. Just picked the G, because there were like 20 people saying they were Jesus at the time of Jesus, so he just picked the best one. Then they picked what date they wanted to make Christmas. When Easter is, it was all just marketing. It's like, what's going to sell the most tickets to this game?

It's what it is. But like, the devout Catholics are so devout. Like my mother, I'd be like, yeah, she'd be like, why aren't you raising your daughter Catholic? I'm like, well, because they rape kids. There's a lot of pedophilia. And I did history research, and this is what it is about the religion. She's like, they didn't rape kids.

I'm like, okay. Well, then she'll say it wasn't that many priests. It was only 20 or 30. I'm like, okay, sure. Whatever. If I said 20 or 30 preschool teachers you know are raping

have raped children in the New York area what would you wouldn't you move your kids to New Jersey she's like yeah I'm like so what's in the church she's like go to your room

it's funny when those stories came out the numbers are like you're going like what they're like yeah it's you know it's fucking crazy

300-400 priests you're going the New York Times article how the fuck did you guys get away with this when the New York Times article. How the fuck did you guys get away with this? When the New York Times article came out last year, I was actually in Denver last year. The New York Times article comes out. And Yana said this too.

There was about 500 priests between New York and Boston just letting out. And there was just a lot of guys just opening. A lot of garbage men, firemen, cops opening up newspapers. Like, please, I don't want to see my parish. I don't want to see my guy. I don't want to see my guy because I got blackouts please, I don't want to see my parish. I don't want to see my guy. I don't want to see my guy because I got blackouts too. I don't want to see my guy. I remember my boy Pat Finnegan was just reading like, yo, did you see they hit St. Aloysius?

That's my church. I didn't know they got guys in there. He's like, I'm going to go take a walk. I was like, yeah, go take a walk. Walk it off, babe. He's like, I remember Father Bill. I'm like, yeah, me too. It kind of is crazy that like in general we give a free pass like it just keeps

going yeah you know it's like it's conditioned thinking yeah it really is the catholic church is still there right like against like i said still thriving barstool sports be here if everyone here was raping kids yeah i mean well we still are so if the public would lead you to believe we are so whatever whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I actually watched Spotlight very recently, probably over Christmas break. It's a great movie. It's an unbelievable movie.

And then I'd forgotten how long the list is at the end. Sure. Where it's like, there were massive cover-ups found in these cities. And it's like, every city in the world. Like, every city you've heard of was on that fucking list. Yeah, it was great. That's why I love Ricky Gervais' Golden Globe speech when he's like talking

about pedophilia and he says like the greatest pedophile movie Two Popes and like nobody laughs. It's like, yeah, because that's the fucking funniest thing you could say

and it's all true. And most of those people sitting in that audience are pedophiles. I have a bone... Gervais' stuff was funny. What he said was funny. I don't like the attitude

like I don't want to be here. If you don't want to be here, just don't be here. Like he said like five times I don't care. If your girlfriend says to you five times in seven minutes I don't care, attitude like, I don't want to be here. If you don't want to be here, just don't be here. You said like five times, I don't care. If your girlfriend says to you five times in seven minutes, I don't care, you know you're in fucking shit. She cares. I agree with you a little bit. I think he

played that up a little too much. The jokes themselves are funny. They work without that. They work without them being like, I'm above this. It's like, you're here doing it. Just fucking do it. You can say everything you said already without being like, I don't care about this. The reaction to, I mean, he does this every time. Everyone's like, ah. All said already without being like, I don't care about this. The reaction to – I mean he does this every time. And everyone is like – all the comedians are like, he's so brave.

It's like this is the 20th time he's done an award show and said fuck you to the award show. It's just what he does. It's great. I like it every time though. I mean he's great. But I like what he said. He kind of said what most hosts wouldn't dare to say. He's like nobody is watching network television.

Barely anybody is going to the movies. It's all about Netflix and streaming services. And he said it to an audience that they're not a part of that. And same thing with Apple when he was like, you guys are so woke. Because I felt that way at Disney World. When I was at Disney, you can't find a straw, period. Not one straw. In all of Disney, it's all children.

And if you do find a straw, it's paper. I mean, it takes my kid 12 hours to drink an orange juice. So the paper straws are like disintegrating in the cup it's like she won't drink because she can't use

her fucking hands and Disney's patting themselves on the back like we use paper straws we're the best but meanwhile the food is $40 for chicken fingers

all they have is high fat high salt food and it's $600 to get my kid's hair done in the Bippity Boppity Boutique to look like Cinderella so it's like

you'll save the turtles but rape the humans. It's all bullshit. You know what I mean? It's all bullshit. So that's what I liked about it. Did you enjoy Disney? I saw, first of all, shout out you. I think you got on Hot Dads at Disney or something like that.

Dilfs at Disney. You got on there? I made the Dilfs at Disney page. You lucky fuck. Somebody came up to me at Disney. It was like with me, my mom, and my daughter. It was like, you made the Dilfs at Disney page. Can I get a pic? And my mom goes, what's's a Dilf so I was just quick thinking of what a

Dilf was but I was like dad I love fun I only went to Disneyland I went to the fake one once and that's when I found out about that and so that week I was walking around putting on my nicest clothes like who's putting me on is it that person? Who is it? Who's putting me on that page, man? That's a huge honor. I took a picture in front of the Magic Kingdom. We posted it to the main page, and then, yeah, it got posted. Good for you.

I like it. I mean, I spent a lot of money. There's something sinister about Disney World with, like, the sugar and all that stuff and, like, kind of the lines you just have to wait, and it's like, is this really fun? Yeah. Are we convincing ourselves this is fun? We went this year, last year, I guess. And it was actually for, we were going to Orlando for like an advertising thing for college football. And we were all there.

We were like, fuck it, let's hit Disney. So a bunch of adults went to Disney. And I didn't see anyone having fun there. The only time I saw people having fun was when they were like getting off the ride to get to the hotel. We're done for the day. Thank God I can go up a beer and just chill. That was when I had chlamydia.

It was interesting to get the symptoms at Disney. I had to go pick up my medication that my boy called in. I went and picked up my medication from a CVS off the side of the highway in Orlando with a goofy shirt on. I was like, can I have the meds? And he was like, do you know what this is for?

I said, yeah. He was like, okay, welcome to Disney. We joke on the hyenas that CVS is Chris's cheers. That's my cheers. He walks in and they're like, hi, Chris. You're a regular. How you doing? He sits down in the blood pressure.

Your copay, that's on me. Don't worry about it. I got you this time. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm always in there. I'm testing my blood pressure. I'm getting night well. He walks in about it. I got you this time. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm always in there, guys. I'm testing my blood pressure. I'm getting night well. He walks in, they just toss the bottle to him.

Yeah, he's like, yeah. See you next time, Chris. Thank you. Beautiful. Yo, so History Hyenas is that live show you did, I guess it was several months ago. It was kind of like a highlight reel or whatever. I mean, lying out the door around the corner. Yeah, Gramercy Theater, man. Sold out a theater, right? We sold out Gramercy Theater at midnight. So it was great on a Saturday at midnight. How

many people was that? It was close to 4,000. Yeah, 4,000. It was a perfect opportunity to lie. Reality is a suggestion. 4,000 minus 3,600. 400. But it was – and now we're doing a new – we're doing another one maybe in February or March, Gramercy Theater. But it's been like – yeah, it's – that podcast is great because like we can talk about history and shit that's uncomfortable. But because it's in the frame of history, it's like what – I'm not – I'm not like a whole whole stuff with, like, you know, when everybody's mad about Christopher Columbus. Ripped down the statues. You know, he did do bad shit.

But really, I mean, he didn't kill as many Native Americans as smallpox. That's the truth that people don't want to talk about. It's like, the disease killed everybody. The disease killed the Native Americans. Not the white fucking settlers. They definitely killed some people. But so did Indians. They made a good tag team.

Listen, yeah. I'm not saying, yeah, no, they definitely did. The was killing him and then and then the white man was like this come on tag me in tag me in i finished them all no but it's like just road warriors people love gandhi you know people love gandhi and i it's great but he also did have 12 year old wives so it's like you could say what you want about history and you could fucking blame everything you want on whatever group you want but the truth is that you're not going to probably like the truth but it's the truth and that makes people uncomfortable so that probably like the truth, but it's the truth, and that makes people uncomfortable. So that's,

our podcast, number one, it's comedy first. It's all about comedy, so we lead with comedy, but then you're going to learn stuff about history that you could like

regurgitate at parties to look somewhat cool. Honestly, I figured it out really. All you need to know is like two sentences worth of knowledge about everything.

That's it. That's it. All you have to do, if you're just 1% more knowledgeable about everybody else on things, you know, like, I feel like Joe Rogan makes a living off it, where he's so informed enough about everything, that it's like, I'll believe you. Yeah. Whatever you say, you know?

That's what it is. And, I mean, automatically, you guys are smart now. You know what I mean? Like, they know a little bit more about history than me, so, yeah. Yeah. I know a couple of, like, famous guy quotes, like, famous generals quotes. You just regurgitate those And just be like Success is not final

Failure is not fatal It's the courage to continue That counts Winston Churchill And then that's it Blowjob Yeah I was gonna say And then they fuck you

Yeah that's what it is Even when you have chlamydia Yeah that's what It doesn't matter We're a comedy podcast That does history Because we both love history But we're basically

Doing the episode With the Wikipedia page Yeah yeah yeah Which is again That's all it takes man One fan called us Wikipedia sluts Yeah that does history because we both love history but we're basically doing the episode with the Wikipedia page yeah which is again that's all it takes one fan called us Wikipedia sluts yeah

who is it have you ever donated to Wikipedia no that's the funniest fucking thing I love that every year when they're like

can we have 30 cents I'm like get the fuck out of here Wikipedia got me through college got me through high school I'm like you want a dollar from me

fuck you you know what I'm gonna go donate to Wikipedia right after this because I'm starting to feel want a dollar from me? Fuck you. You know what? I'm going to go donate to Wikipedia right after this because I'm starting to feel really bad. They really, I mean,

not the Australian wildfires. Who actually donates? You think, I mean, they must get it, right? I don't know. People donate.

I have no idea. They have to donate. They got to make it, if they made it easier, I would donate. The reason we don't donate is like, I got to click,

I got to put my information in. If I can Venmo Wikipedia, then I'll donate. Yeah, just do it with the fucking Apple Pay, boom. Apple Pay, I mean, I just pay for everything.

I don't care. Apple Pay is so dangerous. I just set it up for the first time probably like a month ago. I have no idea how much money my bank account,

no idea how much money I spent over the last month. It's just like, double click this. Let it fly. Yeah, just here. Scan my face and then take my money.

That's what it is. What's your favorite history time period? Mine personally is... Don't say World War II like a fucking... No, no. Like a basic bitch.

I like World War II, but it's the American Revolution. Colonial America. 1775 area to 1799. I fucks with that. What do you fuck with? I really know a lot about that and I love that.

I mean, that part of history is wild. I mean, guys are in, you know, tights and shoes and wigs fighting. you know it's our first kind of you know the british come in george washington i mean it's wild wild fucking times everybody's got fumes and full bush yeah nobody has teeth hygiene isn't really a thing yet it's what and the lies that we've been told about what the american dream is, it's all based on marketing and it's not real.

The mighty British Empire, none of this stuff that we know is true. It's just nice to fucking read it with a gun in your mouth. Put your dick away, Chris. I was reading this book, 1776, by David McCullough, and I just had a fucking gun in my mouth. I had a bayonet, like they would use, in my throat. I was like, if I read one

more lie that I was told, I'm going to let it fly. That is the worst part about getting old is when you're like, wait, everything I learned in middle school is just a lie. It's just a lie. It's just not true. Oh yeah, it's just, yeah, they're just making it up to tell school kids about this and you're like, oh, when you do the research, you're like,

no, that is not a thing at all. It's always about like, you never, the crazy one to me was I was at a World War II memorial thing over the break as well. And I was just looking at shit and it was, like, all about, like, the evil Japanese bomber at Harbor and killed, like, 8,000 troops or 4,000 troops, whatever it was. And, like, just, like, levels of, like, just, like, of a whole building. Sure. All about how bad it was. And I was like, you guys didn't even mention the 200,000 we killed yeah in one in a minute he didn't even mention like i feel like if you're gonna go four

floors worth of pearl harbor should be like and this is how we retaliated yeah yeah that's a great one when you win the war you write the history yeah you write the thing yeah i always thought about that like when you think about you hear all those battles like alexander the great you know conquering the world and uh they say that he was in the front leading his troops. You're going like, was he? Yeah. Was he really in the front? I wouldn't be.

The most valuable man, the king. Yeah, like nobody gets injured in the front. The kids in the front are just walking to their dad. I think about that all the time. Every time there's a massive fight scene in a movie and it's just like Braveheart or whatever. I'm like, he couldn't have possibly been in front no you just die in a second no you survive in the back that's what i like about colonial america's because like they it's kind of a little truce there with like yeah george washington didn't fight he was at the battles but way in the back

like two miles away with the telescope just be like all right you know a magnifying glass just be like yeah okay just move that guy over there it's there you could be the baddest ass in the whole world but if you're just surrounded by chaos you're gonna catch a strike you're gonna catch a knife in the back

or a sword in the back 100% hand to hand nobody's limping back with a sprained ankle it's fucking tough yeah it's crazy those seditions

I slipped in the mud would you rather fight in like the trenches of World War I the colonial time or like like old like Braveheart time trenches of World War I, the colonial time, or like Braveheart time?

Trenches of World War I specifically was Brutes Magoots because – Asian orange and all that, right? Well, that, but also like the dug-in trenches where like you would die of like dysentery. Guys would die. Like there's a great documentary called We Shall Grow Old, I believe it is. And it's colorized, right? Yeah, it's World War I that's colorized. And then guys would die.

A very common thing. People would die. They would be so weak. And there was no bathrooms. It was just like these latrines, these holes. And they would rise to the top. And they would be going to the bathroom or puking and lose energy and drown in shit and piss. Because they couldn't have the energy to get their head out.

Dude, Chaps was talking about Chaps is a Marine who works here. Pussy. He was talking about how they had like if you meet a World War I veteran, which obviously there aren't many left. I don't think there's any left. Yeah, I would guess none. I think two is, we're winding down

on the twos. Winding down on the twos, yeah. The one veterans would have like, a lot of times they'd have one finger left because it was and it would be like their pinky or something because they would just their trigger finger

would freeze and they'd just cut it off. And then they'd start using this one as a trigger finger from the trenches. Next man up. Next finger up. Next one.

That's fucking ridiculous. They just have pinky to do coke. You don't want to get some more energy so you don't drown in the fucking... Well, dude, that's the Nazis. I don't drown in the fucking well dude that's

the nazis i know world war ii shit is hacked but that's what the nazi secret weapon was pervertain it was crystal meth it was it was modern day crystal meth they would give the soldiers that's why a lot of nazi soldiers when the war was over and the pervertain effects because they last a while they would kind of come to be like what did we do why did we do that because he was drugging them and making the super soldier like they couldn't be stopped it was like true fucking zombies what did we do last night 6 million genocide damn it's a rough night

hangover that whenever you have hangover anxiety it could have been worse it happens you want to get it brought worse can you imagine though fighting out for the American Revolution during the colonial period and like you see those kids come with American Revolution During the colonial period And like You see those kids

Come with those uniforms Like the red coats With like stockings on Fucking idiots It's a good strategy though Because you like You may hesitate to kill them Because you're like

Those kids look fucking cute Those are cute kids I don't want to ruin that bit Take your shirt off first It's a well put together outfit You know something I learned something interesting About that too

Like just Germanic people In general German people have always been vicious And I'm German 50% Anc in general, German people have always been vicious. And I'm German, 50%, Ancestry.com. German people have always been vicious. The British Army hired the Hessians, they were called. And those are German. They're from Germany.

And so they were just mercenaries. They were hired to fight and kill Americans. That's what they had no cause in the war. They didn't give a fuck. They were paid to go fight. So they came off the shores of the Battle of Brooklyn. It was the first time you saw them. They came off the shores right where we live in Bay Ridge and started killing American soldiers

and then cutting their heads off and skinning their faces and wearing them as masks. And the British soldiers who were on their side were like, what the fuck are these guys doing? We just wanted to kill them and we're moving up. We're taking territory. They're like, happy Halloween. They're like, yikes. My high school is built on a Hessian mass grave. Oh, there you go. Pretty cool. Horses in there too. They're like, Happy Halloween. They're like, Yikes! My high school's built on a Hessian mass grave. Oh, there you go.

Horses in there, too. There's that Hessian Bloody Lake, the Bloody Lake, where it's like, because then the American Patriots started killing them and just throwing them into fucking this lake. I forgot. It's like upstate New York, somewhere where it's like a hundred Hessians just at the bottom of the lake.

Just put rocks on them and let them go. And they believe it's a haunted lake, which just at the bottom of the lake. They just let them just put rocks on them and let them go. And they believe it's a haunted lake which I believe too. I believe in ghosts. That's how I learned that. I learned that my high school was built on a Hessian mass grave

because my hockey coach who lived on campus was watching a documentary or whatever about the 10 most haunted places in Rhode Island. And his fucking house was number one.

Really? He's like, what the fuck is haunted places in Rhode Island. And his fucking house was number one. Really? He's like, what the fuck? Oh, yeah. All New England. If you live in New England, it's haunted. But that's where the Revolutionary War was fought. New England, man. If you're talking about guys who skinned people's faces

and then they died and went through into the bottom of the lake, that's haunted. That's not a fucking theory. That's a fact. Even the Headless Horseman, you know, Ichabod, that's a story of a Hessian soldier. That's based off a Hess the Headless Horseman, you know, Ichabod, that's a story of a, that's a Hessian soldier. That's based on the Hessian soldier. History of Hyenas, baby.

The Hessians, I didn't know that. I didn't know about them before we started doing the podcast. They're interesting to learn about because of how brutal they were. Like, if you're in a war and people are talking about

how brutal you are when, like, everyone's killing everyone, you're like, you're doing some bad, bad shit. You're doing, like, shit you're doing like next level violence they were scared to fight that's why just the presence it like

there was a common thing in the Revolutionary War where they would say when they would it's interesting too because like the biggest prize in the Revolutionary War was New Jersey that's why they call it like the Garden State because it was like the Garden of America and now it's like that's the first thing I'd give up is New Jersey like get the fuck out of here they grow good tomatoes

but it's just, that's the first thing I'd give up is New Jersey. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. They grow good tomatoes. Good tomatoes and corn. Yeah, but it's just people from New York and Philly, just depending on what side of New Jersey you're on. It's like, if we got rid of New Jersey, people would just move back to Philly or New York. That's what it is. Someone comes to Jersey from outside of the New York or Philly area, and they go, these two sides of people say water really weird. Really different.

One says water. You want some water? And the other one's like, would you like some water? But they would say when the Hessians would come, the soldiers would put their guns down and run away. Because if you really want to learn American history, like what the truth is, then you have to read what the other

countries... That's what I do. So the book that I read was about the British point of view. Or I've read stuff on World War II from Japanese and German's point of view. I remember the football... I World War II from Japanese and Germans' point of view. I forget what it was from, but it was just the passage about the people walking out of Nagasaki.

Their skin just falling off their bodies. That's brutal. We didn't have to do that, but we did have to do that. The problem why the Japanese do not give up. Those kids do not give up. They you've got to give them – those kids do not give up. They keep fighting. So it was either – the options were either kill 2 million roughly American troops to invade Tokyo.

That would kill everybody. We would win it, but you're going to cost a lot of Allied troops or kill 300,000 of them with a bomb. So that's what they did. Listen, I was all for just nipping that in the bud and wrapping that shit up. Wrapping it up, yeah. Maybe not two, but at least one. Kept giving them opportunities. The second one is the bigger problem.

You didn't really have to do the second one. Maybe drop a different bomb. One new one and a couple normal ones. The second one was the bigger issue. The first one, people felt like, well, you're not giving up. And the war is lost. The second one was running up the score. The second one was a victory lap.

Come on, guy. Come on. You're up by 30. You're up the score. The second one was a victory lap. Come on, guy. Come on. You're up by 30. You're up by 30. Take LeBron out. It's like in the UFC when the guy's knocked out, and then there's that blow that goes on his unconscious face. Nice alcohol, man.

Needed a ref to run in there. You need to do all that. You know, we just put your whole country in the fucking microwave. I mean, you don't need to do it again. You don't need to flip it over the other side and nuke it again. It's hot. The hot pocket is done. Shout out to MLB.

They came back fast. Oh, my God. They came back 40 years. I mean, some of it is from the Marshall plan that we helped them with. But, you know, but for the most part, yeah, they came back. They gave him baseball and they ran with it. They gave him baseball, yeah. Kobayashi.

The fact that Itaro is even a thing, you know? Do you think he's possibly the best baseball player of all time? If you look at his stats. He doesn't get enough credit. Yeah. Especially when you say that he started at 27. In the MLB. In the MLB.

Because Japan, he has crazy stats. People say, oh, the Japanese league is not that great. But it's like, you saw what he was doing when he came here at 27. Just add another six, seven years to that. He's breaking a lot of records. Had he done it all in America, I feel like he'd probably get more consideration. But I think at the end of the day, just be more of like a contact hitter, like a slap single guy.

Yeah, that's not sexy. You're never going to get the glamour. Right. But, I mean, he was a speed guy. Yeah, defense. He was awesome. He's unbelievable. He had a gun.

What was his favorite line about Cleveland? I'd rather kill myself than go to Kansas City. No, it's Kansas City. He told this to Bob Costas. It's not as funny in English because it's a real quote. But the way he said it, it's hotter in Kansas City than two rats fucking in a wool sock. But he said it weird and then broke the Japanese. It was cute. It's actually in Kansas City than two rats fucking in a wool sock. But, like, he said it weird and then broke in Japanese, so it's, like, funny. It was cute.

It was funny. It's actually really funny. That would probably be very hot, two rats fucking in a wool sock. Dude, being New York and Boston sports fans, like, it's, like, we're so blessed to have, like, so much stuff to talk about. Oh, to talk about. Well, not to talk about, but, like, how much to, like, love sports and, like, even, like, how, like, we know our athletes because I hosted a show on netflix called the ultimate beast master it was fucking whatever

but anyway the other the other it was like american ninja warrior but the other but the other host was tiki barber and tiki barber told me a funny story what he said like in like 2000 2000 maybe 2001 they were playing cleveland the cleveland browns in cleveland and then like they beat the shit out of them and then they And then they went to a nightclub. The Giants went to a nightclub. And they saw members of the Browns waiting in line to get into the nightclub. But they were just walking in the door. They were like, do you guys want to come with us?

We're not even from the city. And they just let them in. They're like, yeah, great. The linemen. Nobody cares. That's how it was. What was it? The fucking Miami Hurricane.

Back in the day, they would have to get the Dolphins into the club. Yeah. That's a true story probably, right? Wow. Seven floor crew. Come with me. The 30 for 30 about that. That was a great 30 for 30.

Yeah. We had to get them to heat. Everybody was like, you got to talk to the college football player. The 17-year-old's got to get you in the door. I know. I mean, that was when football, you could hit a guy. Yeah. Because that 30 for 30, you see, I mean. I forget what they're chasing when they walk out of the tunnel. The U was so stacked, it could hit a guy. Yeah. Because that 30 for 30, you see, I mean.

I forget what they're chasing when they walk out of the tunnel. The U was so stacked, it was like a joke. Oh, God. Like third string guys were like first round picks. Oh, yeah. Dude, I played Division III basketball at this place called St. Joseph's College in Brooklyn. But for the first year I was there, I was a freshman on the college team. So we had full seniors were on the team, whatever.

We played a Bishop Loughlin High is like a was like a basketball factory and one day the um we were practiced we had practice at like five and the bishop lachlan high school team like was late or something like that so the coaches the coach of bishop lachlan high school and our head coach of a college basketball team division three but still college was like can we scrimmage a little bit we were on them up for the game for the high school kids and we're like yeah whatever you know we'll give these kids a try. They beat us by 50 points. I mean, there was 14, 15-year-old kids like windmill dunking on Division III athletes. And then it's like, that's how you know you're in D3. There was also a girl on my team, so that's a problem.

It's kind of like, I played college basketball, but I didn't really. You played like officially. You had jerseys and everything. Yeah, yeah. And it was a co-ed team. Yeah, the parents would bring lasagna and would ask people, like, you know, certain kids had allergies and shit. So it's just like I, you know, he'll say, like, I'm a Division III All-American, which is true.

But it's really, there's a lot of asterisks to the stats. Like, I'm the all-time leading scorer in my college. But really, what does that mean? Did you do, like, orange slices and fucking juice boxes afterwards? Yeah, we would have to fucking. Two, four, six, eight. Mom, stop talking to me. We've got a big game against Skidmore on Tuesday.

Or we would just be sitting there. We would just be sitting there like outside the locker room while everyone else is getting ready because the girl was getting ready. And then we'd have to go in. So like parents would be like, other coaches would be like, why are you guys out here? The locker room's in there. Our power forward's in there. One of our teammates is getting dressed. They were like, okay, we're going to beat the shit out of this team.

The, sort of told on this podcast a lot, but we had, when I played in high school, there was a girl on a different team. Okay. And it was like, I was a freshman,

she was a senior. And she was good. Like, she wanted to play at BC or PC, one of those I forget. A good hockey school. And I was still like, I'm a guy, I'm going to kick her ass.

You're still jerking off. Who cares? She's got a fucking D1 scholarship or whatever. It doesn't matter. I'll win this. And we're getting up to the opening faceoff, and she just looks me dead in the eye, and she goes, I swear to God, she goes, eat my fucking box. And took the faceoff, scored like four goals that game.

She was a powerhouse. Oh, my God. Did you do it? Did you eat her box? No. She'd fucking break my neck. Oh, UFC type thing dude I remember I remember I had an ex-girlfriend just a few years ago and we broke up and it was really hard for me but we broke up and then I found out she was dating the point guard on the Knicks so I was fucking DMing every Liberty player I could find I was like if you're gonna take the point onicks, I'm going to take the power forward on the Liberty.

I'll show you. I'll show you. You're going to get pegged by this 6'9 chick. 6'9 girl from the Ukraine. It would be funny if you continued the competition, too. She's like Atlas Cirque eating dinner, and you're just on the bus with your Liberty player because that's all she can afford.

That's what you can afford. We're on Spirit Airlines. I remember. You guys are a Chick-fil-A sharing a sandwich. I remember, too. That's what I hate about W We're on Spirit Airlines. I remember. You guys were at Chick-fil-A sharing a sandwich. I remember, too. That's what I hate about WNBA. You just see those girls on the bus. Yeah.

There was one viral story recently about, I don't know if it was the Minnesota Lakes or whatever. I forget the name of the team. But it was like they had to get from a game in Denver to Portland or wherever. You know what I mean. I don't know. But it took them like 73 hours. They had to do connecting flights. They had connecting flights, but then the flight got canceled. Train a bus. They had to take or wherever. You know what I mean? I don't know. But it took them like 73 hours. They did the connecting flights.

They did connecting flights, but then like the flight got canceled. Train a bus. They take a bus. I was on a flight once from Indianapolis back to New York City, and Liberty had played the Indiana Fever in Indiana, and I was on the flight. It was like a regular bullshit American Airlines flight, and I was sitting coach with the Liberty, and Bill Lambert, their head coach, was in first class, spread the fuck out. Oh, yeah.

I was like, yeah. Get back there, bitches. But it was crazy. I was like, is this the Liberty? And it was them. It was them. That's why I love hearing that, like, equal. When women are like, equal pay for women's sports.

I'm like, name me one WNBA player. You guys don't watch it. It's also crazy, and I get it, but it's also like, you missed this season because of pregnancy. That's nuts. You'll see players out. I get it. It makes sense. It's just

crazy to see pregnant. What if they played pregnant? That might be the best sport of all time. I would watch pregnant basketball players. Sidney LaRue. Sidney LaRue. She's like a U.S. women's soccer team star.

She played like up until eight months pregnant on her whatever. Well, women's soccer, I can see. They bring in a nice revenue for the U.S. They're the only ones that have an R. But the other ones, it's just business. It's not about – I don't think there's – it's not about equality. I'm all about equality. But it's just – I mean, it's a business decision. It's business decision. You sell the tickets and you get paid. It's not about equality. I'm all about equality, but it's a business decision.

You sell the tickets and you get paid. Women have to start watching it. Stop yelling at us! Why are they always yelling at us? I'm actually stunned every time I do turn it on and I see that there's a decent amount of people in the crowd. Women would rather watch the men's sports. Some of them.

I just never understood why we're getting yelled at. If you guys are playing. Are there not enough women to fill the stadium? What are you guys yelling at us for? The interesting argument from NBA guys,

whether or not they're paid to, I don't know, but they're always there and they're like, these jerks are good at basketball. And that's when you learn,

I don't really like basketball. I like crazy slam dunkers. I like the highlights. I don't care that they have great ball movement. I don't watch a European game. I don't give a fuck about fundamentals. I like the highlights. I don't care that they have great ball moves. Yeah. I don't watch a European game. I don't give a fuck about fundamentals.

I want to see someone do something insane. Yeah, yeah. Just have a dunk contest every time. That's what it is. That's why I think the NFL, don't you think they just handled that whole concussion thing wrong? They're done. They handle everything wrong. It's like the Tiger Woods thing. Don't apologize.

If Tiger Woods didn't apologize, he would have been fine. He's just like, yeah, I like bitches. I'm a fucking millionaire. What's up? I fuck. That's what I do. I cheat. I respect this guy.

If the NFL was like, look, that's just what happens. You may not remember your name in a couple years. You'll be on a show on Facebook called Where Am I Now. And that's it. Even baseball. That's the chances of what happens, what we do. Even baseball. It's like they're grown men.

It's like, listen, make a steroid league. If guys want to use juice, they can do the juice in the steroid leagues. We'll put hockey boards up around the whole thing. And once one batter lineup gets a fucking aluminum bat and we'll let him hit that 750. And, you know, if you kill the pitcher, it's just like what it is. Like, I just don't understand. This is a game we've designed. America is so like we don't curse on TV.

We don't do that. It's like, yo, just what's the fucking truth? I hosted a show on MTV called Off the Bat. It was like MLB and MTV. MLB was trying to make baseball cooler, and they put it on Sundays at 11 a.m. I'm like, you fucking jerk off. But anyway, we would ask players. We hosted some shitty shows, dude.

We hosted the bracket on MSG together. We also hosted the bracket on MSG, which was wild. That show stunk. It was funny, too, because like we, tell them about the time. Oh, my God. You got recognized on the train. Yeah, I was like, I remember we were on the train. I was on the train.

It was a construction work. He was like still in his construction gear. He's like a real tough New York guy. And he goes, where do I know you from? And I was like, I don't know. I do comedy. He goes, you host that show to bracket on MSG? I was like, yeah.

He goes, it's you and the fat Mexican kid, right? And I was like, he's't know. I do comedy. He goes, you host that show to Brackett on MSG? I was like, yeah. He goes, it's you and the fat Mexican kid, right? And I was like, he's Greek. He's Indian. He was like, yeah, he's Mexican. Yeah. And I was like, because we both were fat. Yeah, we were. Especially me.

I mean, I was a fat kid. Fat, fat. But, you know, I host the show. And we're talking about the rookie of the year, Will Myers. He was on the Rays at that time. Dude, he was telling us this great story about how a girl got up into his hotel room and was in his actual room,

lied to the concierge. He was like, I'm his sister, I'm his family, just let me in. And was waiting for him in a bra and panties. And he got so nervous about it that he just went outside and called his mom and didn't do anything. And that was true.

It's a great story. And his PR was like, no, no, no, no. We can't have that. Talk about his charity. Talk about his charity. It's like, well, this is why nobody's going to your fucking games. You're going to get Will Myers on the show. Oh, yeah.

It was a good story. I think it had to be Will Myers. Yeah. That's what I did in 2014. But he was a great kid. Yeah. Athletes, they don't let you. I get it, though.

The league has an image. There's so much money to lose. Part of my take on our show here, they get everything out of the guys. And it is one of those things where they're both really good interviewers, but I think it's a big enough podcast now where it's just like, well, whatever they're going to say is huge now. It's important. So you let it go.

But they get some of those stories, too, that are fucking. Well, because it's like, I'd rather, as a parent – I'm a parent, right? I'd rather let my child know what the truth is about these athletes and about what's going on and just – you make your own decisions as opposed to all these – like you just make – it's like I remember even with the baseball, Big Papi, David Ortiz, who was executive producer of the show, came on and was talking about drinking. He was talking about like he loves Jack and Coke. And the Red Sox he can't talk why don't we just say coke cut the jack it's like you know he's drinking grown man he's a fucking drink i mean he's doing coke in the dr we know

what's going on so it's like shut up i i hate that but that's what is beautiful about 2020 and like what you guys do and what we're able to do is like you we have a platform now just like here's what the truth is shut up with the censored bullshit. You can't say poopy on TV. It's like this is honest shit. I think everything is a slow change, right? But I think 2014 and now I think there have been – and maybe it's like the athletes see because of their personal social media and stuff like that.

Sure. They see the response. So they're like, yo, PR, shut the fuck up because I have my immediate PR right here. Right. And people love this. I'm my own PR. I'm my own PR. I'm my own PR. It's like, you know, and now I'm happy like even in like sports, like athletes getting

paid in college. It's like whatever, whatever the bullshit red tape is about, you can't pay them to play. You can, if I'm fucking, you know, some of these high school players that got 5 million followers, like Bronny James or whatever, you know, if I'm Coke Zero or whatever company, I'm like, yo, I'll put an ad on that kid's Instagram. Yeah, fuck yeah. Fuck, and you can't stop me from doing that. That shit is a business.

Yeah. You know? So it's like, it's changing. You guys are just telling the truth out here. That's what it is. History and fucking comedy. You guys are just truth speakers. I'm just telling the truth, but I've lied about everything I've said so far.

So I am telling the truth, but there's a lot of lies. Just, it's about entertainment. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just trying to be entertaining. Whatever. As long as you say it convincingly. I just want you to buy tickets to my show. So where can they get the tickets? When's the next show?

ChrisDComedy.com for all my ticket sales. For all my live shows, I got Hamden, Connecticut, the Spaceland Ballroom. January 24th, first show sold out. Get tickets to the second one. January 25th, Celebrity Theater, Atlantic City, New Jersey. February 8th, tickets went on sale today.

The Kennedy Center, Washington, D.C., February 8th. What about you, you fat Mexican? Yeah, you can come see the fat Mexican at Gotham Comedy Club, February 21st and 22nd. And Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, February 28th and 29th. Get tickets. And also, HistoryHahenas.com for everything History Hyenas, our podcast. Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys to be part of the matriarchy and truly see the wild shit. History Hyenas.

History Hyenas podcast. Thank you, bro. Thank you, guys. You guys are fucking best. Fun as always. All right. I mean, those two are just fucking – they are just – the Bay Ridge Boys are – I think – I used to think You and I Are Are like the

The universe Fucking paired us up together You know Serendipity But Giannis and DeStefano Being a pair Is Is like

Kismet Or some shit like that You know The world made that happen They are They are They're probably fucking Whatever

Did you see DeStefano with Chaz Palmatieri No You know him right That famous actor It brings a bell From all the Mobster movies and shit Did you see DiStefano with Chaz Palmatieri No You know him right That famous actor It brings a bell From all the

Mobster movies and shit So he went to He saw him And he was so Like you know Chris was so funny That Chaz is in the car Home and he's like

I just got out of The comedy cellar And I saw a very funny Comedian Chris DiStefano Di the safano or something which is weird that like he couldn't say the italian name you know what i mean but to get a shout out like that from from you know an italian new york guy uh is oh actually wait i hope it's

still up i don't know if it will be the stefano had some i meant to talk to him about this too he had something on his dm on his uh story the other day that was, please still be here. Yes. This fucking kid drinks his straw. This is ridiculous, right? This is just a random kid. Yeah. He has, like, quotes reading it.

He deep throats that straw. Do it again. No one drinks a straw that deep. Yeah, he goes, goes like three inches in. I don't even get past my teeth. He was like this. He was like. Yeah.

That's a little weird. Like that straw was probably touching the punching bag. The punching bag. The thing just dangling in the back. It's so weird that we just have like a little ball sack in the back of our throat. Like a little mini one. But, yeah, I mean those guys. And you really, you know, you should be proud of yourself. in the back. So weird that we just have like a little ball sack in the back of our throat, like a little mini one. But, yeah, I mean, those guys.

And you really, you know, you should be proud of yourself because those guys, you know, Giannis has told us previously that he, like, used to dress up in his mom's stockings at, like, the age of eight and jerk off. DeStefano has, you know, seen it all with his STDs his crazy shit and even they were like genuinely stunned by your antics as a young man jerking off that's when you know you got yourself like a story yeah holy well i'll tell you what you're gonna do you're gonna jerk off like a normal person that's what the rest of us are gonna do i do now i fixed it did you though i mean like you wouldn't really know I guess by now you would

You've seen enough porn and shit But like I know Like you could've like Struck out on your second attempt At least like Oh okay I gotta do it like

I gotta get on my hands and knees To jerk off At least I adapted Did Stefano steal his fucking Yeah that's real weird Yeah I'm normal now I had a weird Moment or two

Stefano just Uses his Fucking stomach Like a washboard I had a buddy By the way You can't be in good shape If you're gonna do that You got like a washboard. I had a buddy who used a fucking couch. By the way, you can't be in good shape if you're going to do that.

You got like a washboard stomach? That doesn't feel like a da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da. There's nothing smooth to that. What did you say?

I had a buddy who used a fucking couch. Yeah. I don't think that one's that crazy. I think that's probably more normal than what I used to do. Speaking of couches, the best couch on the market to have sex with is clearly a Burrow couch. It's the best couch to lounge on.

It's the best couch to make the most affordable couch. It's the best couch when you're trying to get in and out of tiny New York City apartments. It's the best couch if you want to make sure your phone stays charged. And I'll be honest, it's the best couch to fuck. Yeah, because the couch charges your phone. I mean, brilliant. It's the most important thing. There's so many times where I'm laying on the couch

like, God, I gotta go fucking get up and get charged. Not anymore. Or I have to buy the one cord that's like four meters long to get to my couch.

You have to decide what's more important right now. Mindlessly scrolling or not having it die in 30 seconds. And you're like, this is a tough one. You know,

there's so many things in life where I say like, we could put a man on the moon but we can can't do X, Y, Z, you know? But this is a perfect example of, like, we got it right. Humanity, like, got it right. They were just like, let's make sure that you have your phone and your couch, those two things constantly go together. Let's make sure that one can help the other. What you really need is, like, now Apple's got to step up and do something where you link your phone to your couch.

The couch game is adapting to the phones. We need the phone to adapt to the couch game. Maybe you can change the temperature. I need heated and cooled seats, but for the couch. Just cooled. Don't need heated. Yeah, don't need heated. Don't need heated.

But your girl might want that. You sit on one cushion. Hers heats up. Yours stays cool. I almost want a couch that has air hockey. You know what air hockey is? It's kind of like the cooling. Yeah.

The cool does that. I don't think I've ever had cooling seats. I've only had heated seats. So it like blows air. It's not just that it gets cold. I don't know if it's actually blowing air, but you can feel it. It feels like you're blowing it.

You know what I mean? I would like a little like. It feels. Cool seats are. That's how I'm going to end up naked on the couch though. You're going to come in. I'm just sitting on the couch with my legs spread. What are you doing, man? man just got the cooling couch on but uh if you want to just be a normal person and sit on the couch and enjoy yourself and watch tv and lounge

comfortably you know burrow burrow b-u-r-r-o-w b-u-r-r-o-w.com slash kfc 75 bucks off your burrow free shipping free one week shipping and And, uh, these couches you can customize. You can go big, small, long, short, up, down. The legs can change. The armrest can change the cushions, the rest, the backrest, all of it customized to fit your apartment and fit your style and fit your lounge life. Uh, go to burrow.com slash KFC, 75 bucks off and free one-week shipping. It's a weird life that we live here at Barstool. We're like not famous, but people know us. And I also think there's a gross misconception about our financial situations.

Like Dave's a rich person. I'm sure there's a couple other people here who are who are killing it money wise but i feel like our especially bloggers like early on where people were like you can get paid for that and now it's evolved to the point where people are rich it used to be it is kind of nice to be in that spot where because i mean it used to be just like strangers on the internet yelling at me that i was never going to have money to retire and it's stupid. That's back when it was mom's basement. People say that Dan and PFT make $75,000 per episode on PMT

and it went from you guys are poor to you guys are famous and rich and no better example of that. Two displays of just preposterous assumptions of our fan base. And it happened. I told my story, and John was like, holy shit, what about my story?

So we're going to have a little showdown here today. The more ridiculous fan begging situation. It is, yeah. They're just kind of begging, right? Requesting, asking, begging. Yeah, whatever it is you want to say. So mine, I got a DM over the weekend. Let me see exactly.

Okay, so this dude, this is at 4 p.m. yesterday. It was not even like, you know, late night, like, thing or whatever. And it's a little bit of a sad story, too, but at the same time, I just couldn't believe it. Hey, KFC man, huge fan. Had a family emergency pop up. You know, she's in the hospital. My daughter's been sick on and off. Uh, I'm short on money. Could you Apple pay me some? No, I mean, I can't do that. And I, my heart goes out to you. I was waiting for like the GoFundMe link or can we open up the Venmo? Can we do some sort of fundraiser?

I can't just send you money though. That's putting me in a pretty tough spot, man, because I don't have enough to give to anybody else. I barely got enough for my situation as is, and I certainly can't just start giving out money to just people who ask for it. You know what kind of Pandora's box we're talking about opening up there? Oh, I mean, I've opened it. I'm still – I don't understand how it happened. Oh, with the ATI? I did it with ATI.

I think I gave out probably like, I don't know, $10, maybe $250 or something like that. Yeah, you said for everybody who couldn't afford ATI, I'll send you $25. Right, I was like, I want people to get it. And I was like, Ven'll Venmo me for 25 bucks and some people did it and didn't buy the game because they're cunts, but whatever.

That guy bought a fucking mixtape shirt with it. Yeah, I just, I just did. Some people just took it. Like, I mean, that's some low life shit, man. Also, like,

I don't really care if you bought it. I was doing it for marketing. Yeah. It was just able, yeah, gave us an excuse to tweet out the link. Yeah, but the,

um, but, but the, I'm still, I don't know how people still have my Venmo or whatever from it, but I'm still just regularly requested, like, can I have money? I lost my bets this weekend. Can I get it? I need a coffee. It's like, I want to get this shirt. What are you talking about? Why are you just asking me for money?

But that's not the one that was really bad for me. It was someone at a bar I was talking to just straight up was like, hey, can you get me a beer? I was like, what, man? And it was like, it was actually, if he hadn't asked, I probably would have. Because my, like, I got to get the fuck away is I'm going to get a drink. I'm like, I'm going to get you a beer. What do you want?

And I'll hand it to him. I'll be like, all right, man, nice talking to you. And that's it. Right. But once he asked, I was like, what? He was like, yeah, can you just get me a beer? And I was like, you want him and be like alright man nice talking to you and that's it right but once he asked I was like what he was like yeah can you just get me a beer and I was like you want me to buy you a beer

he's like yeah I don't know I'm a big fan I'd like you to get me a beer I was like that's not how it works holy shit I mean when you had

first mentioned it I said like we'll do a little showdown who you got who's the worst situation and I was already leaning towards you because of like

the face to face-face interaction. But the way he was – way worse. Way worse. At least my guy is in somewhat of a dire situation, it sounds like, or bad luck in life, and he's just – he'd probably send that to – I don't know. The problem is he probably sends that same message to Leo DiCaprio or something like, I'm just going to blanket this and hopefully someone responds and somehow I make the cut but at least that's just like the anonymous dm sort of thing to be face to face with another grown-ass man at the bar and be like i'd like you to buy me

a beer like i'd like you to get the fuck out of here i've never asked someone other than a best friend to like buy me a beer and even i don't think i've ever asked someone to like like if it's you know they're round but yeah give me a bud light or don't think I've ever asked someone to like – like if it's their round, yeah, get me a Bud Light or something. But just to be like, hey, you, go to the bar and buy me something. Yeah, I don't think I've ever said buy me a beer. I'm like, oh, grab me one? Yeah. I've done that.

But when it calls for it. Like I was there. I had like half a beer. Yeah. I wasn't going to get a beer. That's what I mean. If I was with some buddies or somebody and it's their turn and I see them going, I would usually still probably wait for them to be like,

and what can I get you? But I might proactively be like, actually, I'm going to switch it up. Get me a mixed drink, whatever. But to just say that to a stranger, basically a stranger, the face, I mean, I could never. I don't think I could send that. I was with friends, but they were flabbergasted.

Did anybody call him out? Wait, did he? No, because I wasn't. They just overheard. They weren't like. By the way, did you buy the beer? No, I didn't. Okay, I was going to say.

Because, you know, a Feidelberg move would be to be like, all right, fine. I'll just fucking do it. I was so stunned. Yet, 99% of the time, I probably would just be like, okay. So how did it end? I think I just walked away. I 99% of the time I probably would just be like, okay. So how did it end? I think I just walked away. I honestly don't really remember. I had completely forgotten about it until you mentioned that to me last night.

And I was like, oh, actually, this happened. I think it was over Christmas break or whatever. And I was like, that's right. I had a man ask me to purchase him alcohol. I mean, have some fucking pride. You know, like the do you wear jerseys or not and people like i would never wear another man's name on my back you know it's like that but but but a reasonable like i think those the jersey hardos are kind of weird with it but like you don't ask another strange you don't ask another man and just buy you a beer

excuse me sir could you buy me a beer? What? Men buy girls drinks. People do that with friends. They do that with family. You don't just do that to strangers. You have to get a what are you drinking first. Yeah. What are you drinking? I don't know.

Whatever you're drinking. It doesn't matter to me. I'd like you to buy me a beer. I'd like you to die. I'd like you to get the fuck off the planet Earth. At least my guy was like John Q out here. Did you see that guy who robbed the CVS and just said, I got a girl who's sick? Yeah. I feel like if that was me, if I'm the cashier, I'm like, yeah, all right, man.

Let's do this. Let me hang on. It's like the safe in the back or whatever. I'll go to the pharmacy. I'll steal you some pills that you can sell. We're going to do this, man. We're going to get this done. It is one of those things to where it's like, if you don't know the story, a guy went to

a CVS, wrote a note that said, have a sick daughter put all you have 15 minutes put all the money in the bag huh 15 seconds but he never like flashed a gun or anything he said i think it's said that he said it yeah but i mean that's that's some john q shit right he like never really had any way to he wasn't gonna hurt anybody uh but uh yeah if that's me i'm doing everything my power it's yeah unless you know i mean i'm sure you can easily scam someone that way but i yeah you know that's because you're fat i mean it's the loudest on the planet it's like insane um the yeah i saw that over the weekend and it was that's tough it was that great i i guess if you keep going to places – I read a Reddit thread once with a bank robber, and he was like –

From a bank robber? Yeah. I'm a bank robber. I did – AMA. Yeah. Exactly what it was. AMA.

And it was – he'd done time, but he was like, yeah, I mean, I just – I robbed a bank today. It was – I didn't go in with a gun. I went in with a note. It just said, Give me everything you have And that I'd casually walk out Walk to my car And go away

That was Yeah And then I mean He never got caught He got caught He did get caught I think he was like

Eight years Ten years Or whatever it was But like I feel like The bank robbing game The juice is not worth the squeeze I feel like you always hear

You know What was it The ATMs the other day Like a couple months ago You guys saw ATMs have like A thousand dollars in them total or something like that these guys broke had stolen nine atms and had like twenty eight thousand dollars or something it is not worth it man like getting an eight like they got the whole atm yeah like what do you even do with it after that you got a bunch of atms down in the basement it's yo we used to own a uh my

family owned a coffee shop for a little bit and um it didn't end up working because the person we uh had running the shop was our family friend who was just stealing from us the whole time cash business she was just taking all the money it was we we had a coffee shop on 53rd and 5th in like down down in the subway there's like a concourse type of area so there was like a cobbler for your shoes and like a bodega that sells like lottery tickets and other things and then a coffee shop. The most foot traffic you've ever fucking seen in your life in a New York City in a Manhattan commute zone and we're selling coffee. It was like we're going to make a billion dollars and we were. We were just getting stolen from the whole time.

But the one thing we had an ATM and like just the the fees yeah i mean you can make cake off just like $1.99 here 99 cents whatever it was four dollars yeah now that's that's another thing like up there with gas like uh you know i know like strip clubs and places like vegas or victoria dollar fees but just the average place if you do like 325 i don't think i've ever been like cancel no not one this cash and my mom's always like you don't want to walk a few blocks to save two dollars absolutely not no and when i see it's like 99 cents i'm like like happily surprised my god wow like these guys haven't updated this since like 1998 but when it's like four dollars i'm just like well that's unfortunate dude i just

did the snapchat with that about about these girls who faked pregnant. It was one of the more benign fake pregnancies. It was just to sneak. As far as fake pregnancies goes. Yeah, one of the good ones. It was to sneak white claws into a hockey game. So they had like a belly. Oh, the irony of using pregnancy to sneak alcohol.

And they did like saran wrapped it on and went to the bathrooms to get them out. I was like, just buy the fucking $8 beer. it is you can always make more money yeah right you can't make like i can just i just make money tomorrow yeah i'm i'm going to i'm gonna wake up tomorrow i'm just gonna make money i mean you know your your white privileged male is seeking out you know well you can just go make money tomorrow john you can't you can't be everyone on the planet can just go make more money tomorrow no one on the planet can go. You can't. Everyone on the planet can just go make more money tomorrow. No one on the planet can go make more time tomorrow. No one on the planet can go make more energy tomorrow unless you do cocaine, but then you

get to do more money. You're poetic. What did you say? You said something earlier today that was very poetic. I was doing an interview or something. You said something. You're on your game today. What was it?

Do you remember? Well. Yeah. In one ear, out the other. We're so fucking dumb. Making money is easy. I'm not Gary Vee here and like, you can just get rich. Yo, speaking.

But you can just go make, I'm not saying you can make a ton, but you can just go make money. You can just go make six white claws worth of money tomorrow. Right now. Without breaking a sweat. Dude, Gary Vee giving out money, by the way, that's all real. He really does that shit princess's producer the other day he said my favorite number is six six six hundred sixty dollars because they're uh 660 on the am dial sent them 660 bucks and he has uh he has six kids brian does and like you know he can use every dime he gets he was like this is awesome

like this is a this is great it's is great and i mean he was doing that with everybody i if he sent it to dan oh i was gonna go but dan said three thousand if gary v sent dan who makes seventy five thousand dollars an episode if he sent him three grand i was gonna go ballistic i was about to throw a number out there and then i was like wait my venmo suspended it's like gary help send me some money on PayPal or something. Fuck, QuickPay. It's because of these fucking donations. That's why I'm not going to give you fucking money, DM it.

One time I paid, I think, like my rent out of the wrong account because I had it on there from Venmo for donations. So it got flagged. And apparently once you get suspended on memo, they're just like, you're dead. It's like you're the death penalty. You can like never get back. I've emailed. I've like,

there's nobody even responds. Fucking that sucks. Yeah. Shout out the cash app. Come sponsor us, man. I need, I need to be able to send money.

Um, speaking of, uh, you being fat, I just, I, um, this is just driving me crazy.

So our friends over at Comments by Celebrities. We've had them on the show before. We did their podcast. They run the very popular Instagram account where they just put up all the comments that celebrities are leaving all over the internet. They're getting into the merch game. They sent me and John some shirts.

This is the shirt that they sent me. First of all, I open it up, and I take a peek, and it's an extra large, which is a bit of, you know, that's a kick in the dick. That's because for someone like me, like, I'm not in shape, so I'm not trying to be big. So when I see XL, that means they looked at it,

and they said, you're fat. On top of it being an XL, this is what it looks like. I mean, look at this thing. This thing is like a boat sail. Well, look who looks beautiful. It's me. And they sent John a large. The one addressed to Kevin Clancy, XL.

The one addressed to John Feidelberg, L. Looks like it fits you perfectly. This, to me. Looks like it fits you perfectly. Come on! Look at this thing! It's like a square. It's like wider than it is long.

I could put this on over my hoodie, and it'll then fit me. It's actually two sizes. Look, that's half the shirt. It fits me. This is two shirts in one, girls. You're exaggerating. I am not. Look at that. It fits me. This is two shirts in one, girls. You're exaggerating. I am not. Look at that.

Look at that. It's half. Anyway, I feel like I could jump out of a plane and use this as like a parachute. Catch some air in it. I'm not fat, girls. But go get yourself some comments by CelebShirt. What a simple little logo. Just a little comment bubble in the blue check.

Smart girls, just, you know, maybe don't wildly insult your guests with fat people clothes. Jesus Christ. All right, should we get into our voicemails? What else we got? We got baseball. Baseball. The Astros penalty has been levied by the league. $5 million fine.

First and second round draft picks for the next two years. Kaput. Gone. A.J. Hinch and the GM suspended for an entire year. They subsequently got fired right after that, which is just... I mean, I get it, but it's pretty... I don't get it. One year.

Who cares? I feel like it's more about, like, they want to just move on from this and be done with it. I think that's stupid. I don't care about that. I have no problem firing the manager. Firing the GM who just built you a championship team. Like they didn't cheat acquiring those players. They cheated once they got them and it helped them get there.

But I am very much of the school of thought that – do you think that's like a tainted championship? Fuck that. No, right? Yeah. I mean like Hubs and the Yankee fans Are like that is you know He said no one from the Astros Can ever like brag about Having won a championship anymore

That's completely crazy I don't believe that right now And I certainly think a couple years from now This is all gonna die down and like no one's ever gonna I'm sure people will remember but like if you care You're a fucking loser but this is not like Black Sox level of, like, scandal to me. I don't think it's as, like, salacious.

I don't care about cheating. I just don't think it matters. I think you should be doing— Well, you can't say that. Why? Well, I mean, you can't say it doesn't matter. It definitely, like— I mean, no, I mean, like—

It affects, like— I just don't—yeah. I mean, yeah, I guess it matters, so to speak. But, like, I just don't care about it. It doesn't bother me. I think you should be doing everything you possibly can yeah. I guess it matters, so to speak. But I just don't care about it. It doesn't bother me. I think you should be doing everything you possibly can. You should be doing whatever you can to win. I also think that people think it was just the Astros.

Maybe the Astros took it to the highest level. But the Astros had a fucking petty whistleblower. They had one guy who blew that shit up on them. And if other teams found themselves in that situation, I think they would be just as fucked. I think the thing that sucks about this is that the Red Sox are going to use it to suck. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Like as an excuse to just be like, pack it in.

Because they've been looking for that anyway. They've been looking for a reason to unload salary and unload players. Why are they doing that? And now they're going to be able to either – I mean, they're going to fire Cora. If he's getting three years so yeah that's they're waiting for core's punishment which they are the rumors are that it's believed to be like it's gonna be way worse than hinge because as i was talking about it i was like you know there was rumors that aj hinge like broke the monitors with a baseball bat and said like you guys are distracted like enough about

this let's like play the game uh whether or not that's true who who knows? But it sounds like he really wasn't the driving force. And I don't think the GM was ever in there. I don't think he has anything to do with it. So the whole time, I was trying to think it through. And I'm like, who could it be? Who's the one guy who said, let's do this? Who's the one guy who put it all together or had the technology? I'm speaking it through, and then I read the tweet being like,

and Alex Cora is believed to get really punished so I'm like there it is he's the fucking the bench coach that the players love and he's the guy who I said this when it first happened if Alex Cora didn't know about it I would be pissed because like this is what I tweeted and I stand by this

extend Alex Cora right now if these were both his idea he's got ideas left in the chamber but you would you're okay with like just three years of like he's not gonna be around yeah whatever

fuck he's young as shit yeah I'll take Alex Cora you got three years to get in the kitchen cook up some new ideas fuck yeah he's gonna come back with a vengeance dude

three years with nothing but time and scheme thinking when I was busy being a manager I was putting electronics in my toes and monitors, relaying messages. You give me nothing but time. He's going to come back with like every player is going to have like chips implanted in their brains. Alex Gore is going to cure cancer on the side as an accident to figure out how to cheat in baseball. It's going to be fucking beautiful.

That is funny to think about how much players love him. It's like there were probably guys who were like, I'm an all-star now because I'm batting like 320, dude. Like, I hit all my incentive bonuses because of my bench coach. His scheme just got me a new contract. I'm making $23 million a year. I like this guy. Yeah.

Fucking A. It's great. Give Alex Cora a lifetime contract right now. But that's not going to happen. John Henry, who I like. I do. I have always been. It's just because of the name.

I have always been on the side of the Fenway Sports Group because people do tend to dislike them. I've always been on their side because they've always tried to win. I don't care. Yes, they're weird. Yes, they do a lot of bullshit to fucking, you know, make money, as people do when they own things. They sell bricks and Red Sox Nation memberships and all that shit.

The pink hat. And it's frustrating. It's annoying. They also open the checkbook almost every offseason. This offseason they have not because it is one of those things, too, where you're like, I can't get it. I mean, the penalty to be over the luxury tax again is like you're paying double salary. And we've said this.

It's like, you know, they are on the times. It sucks for you guys that it's coinciding with the Yankees being under and going all out with Cole. But you won your title. They broke all the rules or whatever. They went over the threshold, and now it's time to get back under that. It happens to be coinciding with the Yankees winning. That all sucks.

But you got your championship. This is the price of the championship, basically, is the next couple years of purging. But they're going to use this to be like – I mean, it's smart as far as, like, how to control a team and control the message and stuff like that goes. Like, this is what killed the season, not us refusing to pay Mookie Betts. I would go – what I want to do, Stevie Cohen's coming to town, noted cheater, right? I would go sign both – I would sign Cora and the

Astros GM and I would reunite Beltran and Cora together Beltran can stay manager one can be bench coach one can be manager I don't care I'll put Cora back as a bench coach Brody Van Wagenen can just be like hanging out waiting for uh what's the guy's name? The Astros GM. Just waiting for him to come back. And then we put together this holy trinity of manager, GM, coach cheating. You give me a billionaire, a team that is like little brother in a market that needs to prove themselves, and noted cheaters in all figurehead positions. Dynasty. Yeah, that'd be awesome. I'd love that.

I would definitely. The three years is a little bit tough, but I would go Kevin Durant with all these guys, sign them even though you know you're not going to have them for a year. Three years is kind of a long time to just be like, well, we got our manager. We won't see him for, you know. Think about like three years ago.

That's a decent chunk of time. I love the loophole of firing is funny though it's just like you can't you can't dump me i'm dumping you yeah it's like okay oh we can't use our manager we'll just get another one which i you know the punishment is still for they cannot be in the league but if you're trying to punish that franchise well that yeah there's one piece of your punishment that no longer matters so i was discussing on uh cck the the best way is to actually punish this team because you gotta hit you gotta hit them players and you gotta hit them going forward the past means nothing you know so i said the you have to feel the minor league team all the all the major league all the major league

players are are out and you just have to play your triple a team that happened would crush you what that happened to me what do you mean um so my uh it wasn't the full season but it was so my in high school are um we had it was it's a weird schedule and shit so we had the month of march off um it was hockey no just the school was off a bunch of March. Oh, okay. All, like, New England prep schools are. And then, like, the spring teams all go on, like, vacation. Not for the full month, but, you know, like, lacrosse would go to, like, Maryland for, like, spring training.

Your school's wild, man. Baseball would go to Florida. Spring training. So, like, we were in Florida for spring training, but it was during spring break. And so we all snuck out one night, the whole team, and got wasted and got caught. And part of our punishment, because we were supposed to be really good that year, was like, oh, yeah, well, guess what? Four games, the first four games of the season, first five games of the season, which is a quarter of the season, right? Yeah.

First five games of the season, you guys are all benched benched you guys cannot play it's like not even benched you're not allowed to suit up jv team is playing and we'll see how you guys do this year then motherfuckers were five and oh right we were in the stands going up like let's go boys it was fucking and honestly there's nothing like at least i remember Being in high school Like when You know Like a game got cancelled Or practice got cancelled It's like Yes

I'm gonna play video games I'm gonna fuck around now Like this is great That's unbelievable That's like Brady When he got Let's go Having a fucking blast

That's unreal I love it Or I said All So you know Unrealistic there That's not gonna happen But

You keep the Major league roster They have to live like minor leaguers. Shitty hotels, buses everywhere. Oh, I love that. I mean, because then you know what? And you do it for like, it's like a five-year punishment. You ain't getting a single free agent. Nobody's coming to town when you got to drive 75 hours. That's a death penalty.

That is an absolute death penalty. I mean, it would be hilarious. Like, you know, hey, Bregman, you're on the bus, bro. You're living at the Red Roof Inn for the next fucking few years, you know? Oh, I just signed my five-year extension. I'm fucked. That would be fucking awesome. I love that idea.

I also said you just have to murder Mattress Mac. Put him in the town square. Sniper shot. You did this. You did this to this beloved old man. That'll really hit you where it fucking hurts all right gotta get creative with these punishments man otherwise this this picks and penalty and five million dollars five million dollars is whatever dude like

i mean i know i you know that's it's like you can't find them 50 million but why not i don't know it's like this is a billionaire owner like you gotta you gotta actually i mean you let the pages go just a million, I think. Yeah. I mean, 20 years ago, not,

or what about like, you only get two outfielders. You, you know, you, you gotta play left center and right center and that's it. Or, you know,

to fuck pitch for pitch. Since we're talking about stealing pitches, like it's a, it's four strikes now. You know what i mean like you gotta get four strikes to strike somebody out i wonder how much that would change a game i bet it'd be crazy yeah i think it's like huge you know like one little thing like that i don't like two balls to walk someone or the bases when you know you're up now are 120 feet so like that's that's

where now we're cooking where players like i ain't signing there I'm not gonna fucking Go to that team That's crazy So you know I do think the league Did everything they like Could within reason That like the

Players association With the players union Would allow But it ain't really What will be interesting here And this is one thing In Boston Is the

Like Boston Globe Coverage of it Cause it is They're always out To get people anyway They always out to get like people anyway they always have to get the Patriots oh really I thought I thought it was just like the team no John Henry owns the Boston Globe

oh so like now you're gonna really see like how like media because I mean Boston Globe is like notoriously anti-Patriots because John Henry does not want them to be the biggest team in town. I didn't know all the backstory to this.

So you really think that John Henry decrees badly? I don't think it's an outright thing. Or they just know that my article is going to get run, I'm going to get more money. I think it's that. Because this has hardly been mentioned. This has been a big thing in Boston for a long time, a couple of weeks. I mean, probably months since we knew Cora was involved in the last one. Right. And it's like, I mean, again, I'm not there.

I don't read the Globe. But as far as I follow Globe writers on Twitter, no one's really discussing it. No one. It's not that big a deal. Whereas, like, the Patriots, every little thing is. I mean, the Boston Globe sued the Florida, wherever, Jupiter, Florida, wherever it was. For the handjob show? To release the video.

And it's like, yeah, and it's like, we want to be able to watch this so we can write about it. Right. Freedom of the press! Shut the fuck up, dude. I bet they will not be covered that much. I am interested to see. And guess what, John Henry also owns an essence. So we won't be talking about that much either.

I am interested to see the coverage from Jared Karabas can't wait for the spin zone from the rocket I don't although I do believe he finally just texted back like first of all if you're on the plane you gotta go uh you gotta get wifi you know I don't understand what that means

the plane didn't have wifi from California yeah I mean apparently like Riggs didn't get one from Auckland there was nofi on his plane from fucking australia that's nuts nuts i've like southwest from chicago that i had i had wi-fi i get like it's a 45 minute shuttle i'm getting wi-fi yeah i'm i oh if i can have internet i will always have it it's eight bucks yeah like and you never know what's gonna happen. And even if you're not worried about breaking news, you can fucking scroll Twitter and shit. Whatever.

But he is going to be in quite the pickle. Because Cora is like his guy, too. And there goes, if it's like a three-year suspension, what does that mean? So he's, how long is his contract? Can you be suspended longer than your contract is i guess you can yeah because like a life you know like pete rose lifetime man but you know there goes that's like his inside track to everything see you later thought what do you think core i

mean you'll get like a job like would you think people would hire you as like a analyst like put them on tv or would that be like i can't even do that no they would I bet you think I don't know I feel like I feel like this is effectively like blackballing someone in a way I feel like this is

actually going to work with Cora work from like the league's point of view and it's going to hit him and like hurt him three years is a long

chunk of your career but you're right as a manager as a player you're really fucked as a manager it's like I can manage until I'm like 65

but baseball managers I would be way more prone to give the architect of the team the gm like whatever you go build me another one versus like giving a second it's just not it's not worth the hassle it's like you bring this guy in you gotta answer questions yeah it's like and for what so we can he's really good at like knowing what picture to put in the bullpen once a game. Yeah. All right, let's get into our voicemails. They are brought to you by let go. Uh,

you got a bunch of extra, Oh, I have so much stuff in my apartment now post Christmas, like all the old toys, which are just still as good as the new ones, but now not being played with just cluttering up the joint. Uh, so there's probably some little kid out there who doesn't have any toys.

His parents are probably begging bloggers for money and stuff like that. I'm going to put up those toys onto LetGo, and I'm going to be like Santa Claus. Be like Santa Claus and bring happiness to other children when you're trying to get rid of old toys or toys you don't get to play with anymore or clothes that don't fit them. That's what LetGo does. It's the largest online marketplace to move your old stuff or acquire some new stuff if you don't want to pay full price buying it from the store. So whether you are, let's say you're moving out and you need to get rid of things, you put it up on the marketplace for however much money you think you can get and you can make a couple extra bucks. You can move, get rid of things that you

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all these items and make your life a lot easier I saw him so I took note of the homeless man who was relentlessly mocking you. And, I mean, you've seen his bed, but, like, have you seen him? I saw him in the dark. I saw a person there.

Because, like, I am pretty sure if you saw him, you would no longer be threatened by him. I mean, I don't know what that means. Like, he's very down and out as a homeless man. I don't think he's living. Like, he's very down and out as a homeless man. I don't think he's living. Like, when you see him. He's not mocking me with his fucking finances. He's mocking me with how well his life is put together. But that's what I'm saying.

When you see him, he does not look put together. He has a Chinese folding thing. What does that mean? A Chinese folding thing? Those things that, like, separate the room. You know, people get dressed behind. Oh, yeah. Like an accordion type of.

Like a geisha would get dressed behind. He's got one of those things. You know what would be really funny? He's pretty well set. A lot of people, instead of having a converted wall, will use those things. It would be very funny if you guys had matching accordion wall things. But, like, I saw him and he was, like, very disheveled and, like, was not, like, sitting comfortably. Just, like, lounging away i don't know i feel like

you if you saw him he must be with his his mental capabilities he's my enemy for 2019 what were you saying at the end there? That's his fault. That's his fault. He was the one who got in my head and ruined my fucking... I don't even know what year it's at anymore because of this fucking guy. Yeah, maybe he's getting nice stuff from Letgo. Maybe he got that nice mattress from Letgo.

Looks like it. Living fucking large. Fucking A, guys. Living the dream. All right, voicemails. Let's cook. Hey, kids. He's by Super Producer BC. Let's cook. Hey, kids. It's your producer, BC.

I'm a big fan of Pod. And I just had a question I've been pondering for a little while. So I'm 21 and in the Army. And I just got stationed right outside my hometown. Well, this chick that I went to high school with has been hitting me up. And she's, like, way out of my league. So that's great. But she still works at the grocery store that's in our town and isn't like a manager or

anything and like doesn't go to school so my question for you is like would you rather date someone who is a total bombshell but like doesn't have their shit together in life or would you date someone that's like pretty mediocre looking or and like has their shit together all right thanks love pod bye i do not consider a female's job or like earning at all when i'm like thinking about if i like her when i got married it was different like i was like this this girl was like at the time she was making way more money than me she was like my sugar mama and i was like this is like a great partner for life. We're going to be able to raise kids together and all that shit.

But I was not like, it's not like why I was dating her. And now that I'm single again, I've never been like, this girl's like only a teacher. Like, get the fuck out of here. I don't think, no, but like a teacher would be good. I don't consider it because of,

as far as from a financial standpoint, I just consider it from like, I mean, it's what you do for your career says a lot about you so like give me an example of like something that you would be like no couldn't do it i don't know uh i i if a guy he sounds young right he's like 21 and he was yeah if like i was 35 and it was like i saw shells the grocery store. I'm like, I don't know. Why? What happened?

You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, stocking shelves. I absolutely did not mean to insult or demean any kind of work. Work's work. You can make more money, right? But like. No, but yeah. I mean, packing groceries, they're like, you know, they give those jobs to the handicapped people. That's usually their job.

Yeah. And I'm thinking about more almost like what happened in your life? Something happened. Like this is obviously not plan A. So what happened? Yeah. And if something happened and that's like you get back on your feet. But, okay.

Okay. Fine. 35, yes. Like why are you doing this, like, at 21? Because you're like, it's like a summer job. You're like making beer money for your dorm. You know what I mean? At 21, you don't have summer jobs anymore.

Yeah. And he also said. If the summer of your junior year of college you were working at the grocery store, I would not judge you. He also said, no, I wouldn't judge you. But he also said, like, she, like, didn't go to school. So she's been there for three years now and hasn't got a promotion. Yeah. And then, like, best case scenario.

Oh, that's what I said. Best case scenario is worst case scenario. Yeah, that was brilliant. John said that earlier. Best case scenario is worst case scenario. It, like, blew my mind. And so that's the thing. Like, best case scenario for this girl is, like, probably girl is probably if she – I don't know.

I don't know how – Yeah, we need a little more detail. What the corporate ladder is. But it's like she's not trying to better it. It's almost – it's like what I think is more often referred to with men where it's like they have to have ambition. And it's like you don't have to have ambition. Yeah, I guess it's ambition. I don't want you to want to conquer the world.

But you should be trying to, like, progress in life. Yeah, I want you to be a better person. Yeah, I guess I would agree with that. My main concern is, like, if she's as, like, hot as she says she is. Like, if you're a hot chick and you're not using that to your advantage at all to the point that you're just bagging groceries, then you're a real idiot. You know what i mean what i learned from like zbt stuff though like this is this has all the makings of a disaster of a what about zbt zbt is they i thought like on instagram or twitter or something like that they always have like like new boots or whatever it is and it's like you know they buy uh for mustang at like a 26

percent api and then get a girl pregnant and like that sounds like what road we're going down I'm trying to steer my man away that's fair I mean if she's I say APY is APY I don't know APR? I haven't bettered myself in this

particular area we are throwing stones in a glass house right now just to be clear I guess I'm just trying in a particular area. We are throwing stones in a glass house right now, just to be clear. I guess... I'm just trying to, like, visualize. I'm trying to put myself in the shoes.

Like, I meet a girl out and then she's like, this is what I do. I mean... There are... Definitely gonna still try to fuck you. Right.

I just... Maybe I would be, like, think twice about, like, settling down, you know? Yeah, but that's what it sounds like. This kid is like, I try to fuck you. Right. Maybe I would think twice about settling down, you know? Yeah, but that's what it sounds like. This kid is like, I want to date her. Okay, here's my question. What are you more worried about? Like her actually or having to tell people that you're dating a girl who begs groceries?

Because I think it's much more of a status thing. Yeah, I don't know if I'm as, again, if we're talking about marriage or whatever, but to me it's just like we get together and we hang out and it's fun and the conversation is all good and we fuck and it's sexy and it's all good. But also if you are normal and you do that, and again, it's just like maybe something's happened or whatever, right? And it's like that's you coming back. That's fine.

Yeah. It's like if you know her, but he knows her and she's like that's you coming back that's fine because yeah it's it's like if you know her but he knows her and she's a mess if like you know and like she's an awesome person right and like i got like sick and i got fired and now i'm trying to like yeah and like then that's that's fine yeah i have no problem with that but if it's just like she's kind of a piece of shit and she sucks but god what a fucking what a rack on that yeah yeah this is probably like she got like arrested and now like no you know you have to put it on your resume and you can't get another job so you just work at the grocery store which means she probably fucks like a savage so you know but um all right i mean it does suck i have to fucking tell people we were like yeah my girl yeah she's been but i will say Girl's been stopping job for about four years now.

I will stick to the age thing. They're letting her handle produce finally. Maybe she gets to, you know, collect the grocery carts in the parking lot next. Who knows? I think it's younger is more manageable. But I guess when you're older, you should be productive. I don't know. It is one of those things, too, where you also.

I feel like. How about this? How hot would a girl need to one of those things, too, where you also... I feel like... How about this? How hot would a girl need to be for you to, like, really just totally look past it? I mean, to date... Like, Halsey hot?

I don't think I would date you. What if it's Halsey? Because part of Halsey's hotness is Halsey... No! Yes. Halsey's, like, ambition and success is what you're attracted to.

No, but, like, her ability, her talent, yeah. If you don't have any fucking talent, then, like... What if this girl can sing really well? Get famous, bitch. Have you ever seen Halsey do the painting, singing on SNL? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen. She paints, like, a fucking panda bear or some shit, right? I don't forget what it is she paints. While she sings, she is... I would do... I forgot what I was going to say. I would kill... I'll kill Mattress Mac for Major League Baseball in exchange for Halsey.

That's got to turn a girl on, right? I murdered an old man for you? What about if I can kill G-Eazy and Machine Gun Kelly with my bare hands to the victor go the spoils and I get Halsey? I'm not saying I could, but if I did that to you. That would be like some mom lifting up a school bus. Yeah, have to and then I get Halsey. I'm not saying I could but if I did that Dude, that would be like some mom lifting up a school bus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got Halsey power. I gotta fuck this woman. They just come out holding both their heads. You're mine now Halsey. You love me, right? She would probably

then kill me. She got some praying mantis shit in her, right? Where she like eats your head. Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I would still do it Yo what's up guys I'm having a little problem

I hope you can help me out So I'm 24 and I just got a Fucking gig as an executive assistant For this tech company I work for So um And at the same time they hired me They also hired this Hot ass ex-marine who works in IT.

And as an executive assistant, obviously, I can't fuck him. And obviously, I want to fuck him. So I'm just wondering, hopefully it's not too late by the time you guys get this. What should I do? Should I say fuck it? Or should I? I don't fucking know. Anyways, thanks, guys.

And, Kevin, I totally suck your dick. Bye. Whoa! This girl has to be ugly, right? Why? Because she wants to fuck you? Yeah, I mean. Well, we got your number already, right?

Because I was about to say something like, don't fuck him, fuck me instead. That's what you were going to say? Well, no. Here's what I was going to say. We know this girl fuck him, fuck me instead. That's what you were going to say? Well, no. Here's what I was going to say. We know this girl's going to fuck this guy. We get these calls all the time and it's like you want us to let you off the hook and say you should or something.

And if we say otherwise, you're going to be like, thanks for the input, but whatever. So, you know, these are the situations. We know where this is going. Also, why can't you fuck him? I don't understand. That's just because you fucked a bunch of people you work with. I don't understand corporate structure. You never understand this.

Why can't she have sex with him? The funniest part is it's so genuine. It's such a genuine. We don't work together. He works in IT. She's an executive assistant. Why can't she fuck him? I will agree that that is enough of a degree of separation, I think, that you should be

a little more in the clear. But I would say this. You can be allowed to have sex with anybody you want. Obviously, there's no, like, what a thing for a straight white male to say in 2020. You can have sex with whoever you want. I don't see the big deal. There's power, obviously, but, like, you should be able to fuck your boss. If you're not a boss, then fucking why can't you fuck them?

Yeah, as long as, like, I think if it's all agreed upon and there's no – the problem is that there's often, like, power dynamic involved that, like, you don't even think about. Like, in your mind, you're like, I like this guy, and he likes me, and we're having sex. But the fact that he's, like, the CEO, it just inherently poses a problem. Even if, you know, no one's, like, abusing that power, just it like it enforces a a thing you can't have in your company you know what i mean yeah i guess but um but i do kind of i mean when you just break it down it's just like i you know i put my dick in inside of her holes And then that's it

Why does that affect work And company And money It's just like I'm very flabbergasted Why she can't fuck this guy She's like so obvious You're both correct here

She can't and the way the world works You're not allowed to do these things without it being a problem but why it's like we put sex on this pedestal why it's like if you were to see her at a party and you're like hug her hello that's okay if after the party you hug like her vagina with your dick nope can't do that like where do you draw the line as to what's allowed and what's not? I can see the line of demarcation clearly coming up between hugging and fucking. But, like, okay, what's worse? Having sex with someone or, like, you go out with a co-worker and you get, like, belligerently shit-faced and you're talking, like, secrets in business. You know what I mean?

Like, that could be just as detrimental, if not more. Yeah. I would agree. You know know so where do you draw the line as to like pillow talk pillow talk that yeah no discussing you can fuck but don't ever speak uh um fuck this guy in the bathroom no

I would say this you're not for the because we're in America and freedom of fucking it's like the fourth amendment I think you're allowed to fuck whoever you want. You could and you should go fuck him. But I think if you're using the term executive assistant or whatever, right, that leads me to think that you've got like a cushy-ass job being a secretary for like a CEO, you know?

I just wouldn't want to fuck that up. I'd fuck it. I'd fuck it up. Well, we know you would the problem is if you're on the on the lower side of of this and you you're the one who loses your job then it's not worth it i don't think anyone loses their jobs don't be fucking weird about it yeah no one's ever lost their job from fucking at work i mean but they were weird about it again you're the one with the grim reaper dick that is not true The proof is in the pudding

Can you pass me that water If you're the one who gets fired I'm sure you think of that differently I guess I guess Yeah you know what Fuck this guy Cause you know what

He's a Marine And like no one's gonna fuck with that You know No one can fire the marine what are you looking at me i don't know i was giving something to say like i i think that the the safest thing in the world is being like the marine you can't get fired yeah the second safest thing what he went to war for to fight for my right to suck his dick yeah like to be although maybe that means like well we can't fire Marines, so we'll fire this other girl. Maybe you put the bullseye on your back.

You know what? Just come suck my dick instead. Whatever. Just avoid all this whole trouble. Whatever. Next up. Score on the KC fight. So I have a question.

I bartend, I serve. A couple of cute girls came in the other day and wanted to kind of get to know their name after. So what I did was I just took their name off the debit card receipt at the end of the night. And I was just wondering, is that creepy? Is that stalker-ish? Or is that just like normal? Love to hear your guys' answers. First of all, I feel like if you have

to ask these questions you already know the answer oftentimes you know but i i feel like there's something while it's not inherently creepy enough to me i feel like yeah like all right cool like her name's rebecca i think there's something about like uh i've seen this too with like um delivery apps you know what i mean yeah look up the number and i just feel like girls do not respond to that well but it's also like it's a number, right? Uh-huh. That's what with the delivery app and stuff like that. That's fucking insane.

Yeah, just picking up the name. But you just follow them on Twitter. You follow them on Instagram, whatever. I wouldn't do it. I don't think it's a good way to start it off. But also, I don't know. Because it just shows like if all of a sudden you get like, boom, follow requests or whatever, followed, you have to like. Look, if you don't want you get, like, follow requests or whatever, followed, you have to, like.

Look, if you don't want to get stalked, you're fucking paying cash. This is your fault. Yeah, you put that information into the world. Don't dress like that then. You're asking for it using your credit card. You're asking to get fucked by this guy. What are you doing? Fucking leave.

Use cash. They have to grade it. If you don't want me finding you on the grid, get off it. And, I mean, it depends, as always. Like, are you hot? Are you a good-looking guy? Because then this is like a sexy, like, he put in effort to figure out, like, who I am instead. Did you see that guy who proposed with the Sleeping Beauty?

Yeah. Fuck that guy. That dude really took some liberties with his cartoon. So, if you haven't seen the video, Homeboy went to... I mean, that cartoon was hot. He's not so much. The whole theater's been like, wait, who's this? That's why she was a little...

Who's proposing to your girlfriend, Rick? She was like, I know that's not Prince Charming anymore, but who is it? This guy went to a screening of Sleeping Beauty, which I guess, that's kind of odd in its own right. Like, were they like, oh, look, the theater's playing Sleeping Beauty,

like an old school theater? I don't know. It almost looked like a home theater. Yeah, it was like a small one, right? Very tiny, yeah. But it was enough that, like, she was surprised that her friends and family were there, so it was supposed to be public.

It wasn't, like, in their house. Right, no, no, yeah. Anyway, in the scene where he where prince charming kisses sleeping beauty they cut and it's he had himself and her animated into the movie and then i thought it was cool the way he threw the ring i like that one that was cool he threw the ring off the screen and then he caught it and proposed uh but that the bar is just set so fucking high by that asshole like your plan is why i didn't think that was that cool. Oh, but girls do.

You know, I mean, what's not cool about that? I didn't think it was lame. It was just like, like, whatever. I mean, that takes some extensive work. Why? I mean, to, like,

find an animator and have him put all that in and then have a movie theater screen it and secretively invite all your friends and family and stuff?

That doesn't make that much work. Oh, no easy that's easy i could do that shit how are you gonna propose final i could have that i'm probably not going to i could have that done fucking i don't often do you do your animation i was like i got the animator i got that done i could have that done in two weeks that's how you should do it. One thing I learned. Proposal. You know? And then like, yeah, that's how you should do it. One thing I learned. I assure

you this. If I ever get married, Barstool Sports will not be involved in it. Imagine it. It's like, yo, babe, log into Barstool Goals. You don't pay? You don't buy for it? Never mind. The shit's off.

Yo, boo. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. Sign up. Go watch this one. I promise. You're going to like it. It's the fuck I was going to say. Yeah, I'm very much alone.

There will be nothing flashy about any potential proposals that would ever happen in my life. Somebody was tweeting me and Clem about that, and he said he rolled over, reached in the bedside table, grabbed out of the drawer, grabbed the ring, and turned to her and placed it on her and said, It's your call. Like, up to you. Let me know what a move that is that's the way it should be you know you should be able to fuck all your co-workers and you should be able to just propose like that all right that's it for us uh shout out

to the bay ridge boys uh go check them out make sure you check out history hyenas they're so goddamn fucking funny i'm not a big podcast listener i'm going to throw some history and it's an interesting hook where it's like you're gonna learn a little i mean they fucking do they know that yeah i i won't i never give someone you knew what you were talking about you knew more than me yes you knew enough to make me think you knew again like i said you know if you know two sentences more than the average person it makes it makes you be like, yeah, all right. Okay, you smart. I'm dumb. All right, and that girl wants to suck my dick. Call me. Turn around.

Look at what you see. In her face. The mirror of your dream. Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light Written on the pages is The answer to a never-ending story I've reached the stars My fantasy Reach the stars Lie a fantasy

Dream a dream And what you see will be Run against their frequency I'm pulled behind my clouds And there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never ending story

ah story ah ah ah ah