KFC Radio - Ohio’s Tate May Move to NY + Heather McMahan Worked for a Royal Family

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

Purchase the Hands and Hearts tee to donate to the O'Niell kids: https://t.co/8VNc7vIPJV Timecodes: 0:00 Start 05:21 Jackie's Crackely Hands 16:55 Out of Order Live Show 17:44 Jackie is getting into witchcraft 24:45 Switching brains with other people 38:31 The only 5 jobs: Doctor, Lawyer, President, Cop, Farmer 46:11 The Mets are out 01:02:42 Shea Met Dave before the Taylor Swift Concert 01:15:05 O'Niell family fundraiser 01:20:48 Heather Mcmahan recap 01:23:03 Ohio's Tate Moving to NY Drama 01:43:39 Video Voicemails 02:05:50 Heather McMahan Interview 02:09:51 Chain-smoking cigs at the Shein Factory 02:18:54 John's child labor issue 02:21:51 What's the worst job you've ever had? 02:40:36 Antarctica 02:45:20 Heather's burnout 02:48:00 Heather files some complaints about Jeff 02:55:13 Heather's upcoming cruise 03:06:11 Being in the celebrity box at Falcons game ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Presented by Jackpocket: New customers, use code KFC and you’ll get your first ticket free at https://jackpocket.onelink.me/sY17/KFC GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, NY Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY. 18 or older (19+ in Nebraska, 21+ in Arizona). Void where prohibited. Promo code required for $2 non-withdrawable credit. Prize amount may differ at time of drawing. Terms jackpocket.com/tos/free-ticket-promo/ Gametime: Download the Gametime app today and use code KFC to easily score great deals with the new Gametime Picks! Jack Black Skin Care: For 10% off your order & FREE Shipping, head to https://JackBlack.com/KFC and use code KFC. HelloFresh Get 10 FREE meals at https://HelloFresh.com/freekfc. Applied across 7 boxes, new subscribers only, varies by plan. Green Lumber: Keep it up, Buy now at https://greenlumber.com/barstool and receive free 2 day shipping on your first order Express: Use code SADBOYSZN for an extra 20% off your purchase online or in storeYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. But one of the wildest jobs I ever had, I mean, I just, when I was living in LA doing comedy, I was just doing all these survival jobs. I worked for a royal family, and I legally can't say who or where they were from. You NDA'd it. Genovia? Uh, yeah, no. Think more, um Yeah. No. Think more a drier climate. A drier climate.

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Prize amount may differ at time of drawings. Terms jackpocket.com slash TOS slash free dash ticket dash promo slash. You ready to rock? Yep. You okay? You good? Yeah. Sure. Why do you guys all think I'm a hat?

You good? Yeah. Because you're wearing a hat. Yeah, yeah, I know. The hat makes me feel like you've been crying or something. Every time I wear a hat, I'm so focused on a hat. Yeah, yeah, I know. A hat makes me feel like you've been crying or something. I am. Every time I wear a hat, I'm so focused on the hat.

I'm like, everyone's thinking about my hat. Yeah. So I can't wear a hat. Well, why are you wearing a hat today? Because I'm like,

first of all, I'm like, that's a ridiculous thing. Nobody's thinking about your hat. I'm thinking about your hat. Oh, it's awesome. It's the only thing

that matters. But you're also not a hat girl. Because I washed my hair, but I didn't have time to blow dry it, and it looks really greasy. You can see it looks really greasy. So I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to not a hat girl. Because I like washed my hair, but I didn't have time to blow dry it. And it looks really greasy. Like you can see it looks really greasy.

So I was like, fuck it. Like I'm just going to put a hat on. But like now I feel like now. No, I can't wear a hat because I'm only going to be focused on the hat. It's a good lesson. Whatever you're self-conscious about is what everyone's focusing on. Every time it makes me like sucking ass myself. Because every time I'm like, you're being crazy.

Like nobody's going to notice. You guys notice. But it's not just us. Like there's kind of like a viral thing that like floats around in different forms where it's like it's something like uh you know like you're the only one worried about these things like no one else notices yeah and but it's like i notice all these things and i think other people do too they might not speak up about it yeah but i don't think people don't notice stuff. Oh my god, that makes me so in my head.

Dude, one time I was like, we had an interview and I was like running late kind of. I forget why. No. No, no, no. Sorry, I hadn't like dropped the footage from the first interview

and so Jordan texted me like he's here and I was like, sorry, can you just tell him to wait two minutes? I have to like finish dropping the footage. But like, I like, it was my bad because I had like accidentally dilly dally before, whatever. I was feeling guilty about it, but it was literally two minutes.

There was a two minute, like, yeah, it's so normal. I feel like for somebody to wait two minutes, but I felt so bad because I've never like held up an interview like that. And I was like, no way it like comes up. No way. Like anything about himself. And then like it, the interview goes fine. Like fine. I'm like fine like fine i'm like like obviously like nobody was gonna call out two minutes and then at the end he goes so can i just ask why was i waiting the whole time for the interview you

guys were like waiting what do you mean who was it um brian simpson brian simpson really and i was like you gotta be fucking kidding me. I made the whole interview. Anyway, so since then, I've just been like, whatever you're scared of, it's going to happen. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's certainly my outlook on life. But we talk about manifestation, maybe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that ever happen to you? Whenever you have an excuse for something, it just happens? I'll be running late, and I'll be like, sorry, train. And then it does happen and then it does actually happen and then you're double fucked because now

you're double late yeah that always happens it's like I didn't factor in it's like oh I'm in traffic no you're not but then you're in traffic you're like now it's going to be an extra

I see that all the time yeah stuck in traffic Millen in particular it was just like like I would hope to see traffic yeah I'm like alright

I'm not lying about it because then you're telling the truth and then it's an honest honest thing. I'm like, all right. I'm not lying about it. Because then you're telling the truth. Then it's an honest thing. Sometimes I'm like, I'm too magical. Put your hat back on. No, I can't. Does it look greasy? No, it doesn't.

That's the other thing, too. You told on yourself. I know, I know. Would you have noticed? Is this the computer? Now I feel like I look like E.T. Put your long-ass finger up. We'll Photoshop a little fucking ball on there oh my

god you know what my fingers have just like i'm sorry monday let's go start the week all hot my hands are like like they can't hang in the fucking winter like they get so they get so like and like and like they're already so big and now they're like callous and and like they're already so big and now they're like callous and like they're about to like really enter their like ugly period. I want everyone to prepare like mark your calendar. I don't know. Start preparing. Should we pack the ugly hand month? Yeah. No. Season. Season.

Multiple. Quarter? Sometimes I worry that like we ruined her. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. You don't have weird hands just make fun of them no no no no it's true and it's fine like i'm fine but here's the thing is like uh like i wouldn't my crackly hands like that was always something like crackly hands is not gonna be the thing it's a great way to describe it's just like it's just like oh my god like i'm like what if a

boy like if a boy tries to hold, like nobody's tried to hold my hand for a while. All right. Now we're getting to the root of it. Hey, you want a hand job? No, I'm good. I'm good, girl. But what if somebody tries to hold my hand

and then they're like, what's this man? Like, crap. Oh my God. Anyways, have we started the show? Have you ever seen... Probably not. There's an episode of Seinfeld with man hands. No.

So like one of the running things in Seinfeld is that Jerry, all of them, but Jerry specifically dumps like all these like beautiful women and perfect women because of like these random Oh, I have seen this. There's like, you know, a girl. Because you guys have made me watch this. Probably. I don't know why I want to see this. But there's like a scene specifically where he's out to dinner with her and they cut the

camera so that you can't see her anymore. And it's very clearly a man's hands that come out and grab like the lobster at dinner and like picking everything up and like grabs a beer, pops the top off the beer. It's very, very funny. Well, women's hands get more manly as they get older. So it's just fine.

I'll just take a good look at them right now because this is the best they're going to be for the season, especially. We'll get you like Uncle Jack hands.

You can put on funny gloves the whole fucking winter. I can't make them more dainty. Anyways. Well, I told you about the kid I used to play hockey with who we would go on, we have team tournaments and stuff like that. It was a young league,

so we had to sleep together. And me and him would share a bed, and he would sleep with athletic socks, and he'd fill the sock with lotion. And then he'd sleep with athletic socks filled with lotion on his hands. That's so weird. Yeah.

It was very weird. When she did that, it crackled. But he would say, my hands get too crackly. I have to. I mean, I'm talking all this shit. I have this thing going on with my knuckle. Yeah. Yeah.

What are you sitting all quiet for? Well, first of all, I have terrible hands. I bit my fingernails as a kid, and now I have weird fingernails because of it. And I have this one knuckle that gets dry. Do you? Do you have a reason? Do you have to figure it out? I think maybe I burnt a cigarette on it a while ago.

Yeah, I never had an injury or anything. I'm trying to think of if I drive or if I do something and it rubs, nothing. And then the other day like during the like the playoffs i just started like scratching and picking it and now but i almost rather have it's like a wound right now i'd rather have to be like oh yeah like i out my knuckle rather than just be like i have a weird rhino knuckle see this is like a tiny violin for me like oh you have one oh my god no it's just like so see your hooks somehow you got the second worst hands apparently it's starting like right there

like you could see you know I was expecting to be like what are you talking about it almost looks like when you're in the bathtub too long it looks like that, it doesn't look like they're dry it looks like they're wet

yeah, I know I gotta start doing gloves But do you because it feels like it looked like it was too like wet No Fingers are too wet dry. You can see oh, no. Yeah, you're right. Okay. They are dry. So do you put lotion on? Yes Oh, you do all the girly stuff. What did you you do like, I feel like girls are always putting on. Like eczema cream. Like lotion. Everything.

I've tried everything. Nothing fucking works. I have not tried a hand mask though. So I will try a hand mask. That's next. Eczema, dude, eczema reminded me that

of my friend. We had my friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago and it was where like one of the friends who like we used to party at their house all the time in high school kind of deal. And we telling stories with her parents and uh we're telling

a story about like the after prom party where we had this kid who was he like this kid was just gray he wasn't a white person he wasn't a black person he was a gray alien he was just gray and gross and a genius i'm sure he works he works at NASA now or something like that. They kind of all are. Yeah. They're all gray. He was so fucking smart. Yeah.

You have some sort of inside knowledge of the employees at NASA? Dated a bunch of guys at NASA. They're all gray. But he was having the after prom party in the basement. And my friend's mom comes down. And this gray, fat, gross person. If I was ever described like this, that is so mean. You're close.

Give it a couple years. 25 now. And he was just passed out in the middle of the basement. And everyone was just partying around him. And her mom comes downstairs. And she's like, what is wrong with nemo and my buddy just kind of like pauses and looks he goes he's got eczema and she's like not regularly i mean what's wrong with him right now ah he's got eczema was his name Nemo?

yeah I mean like Nemo is it was kind of like his last name but um it's a condition that many of us have

we are there's many of us there's dozens yeah anyways how are you guys get that hat back on I can't put that

because I'm I'm not gonna be able to focus on anything I can't like hear with a hat on I get that when to be able to focus on anything that you guys. I can't hear with a hat on. I get that. When you're looking for something in the car, you got to turn the radio down. You're like, I can't hear anything else.

My car does that for me now. Really? When you start slowing down? It does. Yeah, yeah. I think that's what it was. Or maybe that was my Jeep. There's something else that it does now.

Like if I, the air conditioner. If I call, my phone is plugged into the CarPlay and I have the air conditioner jacked up. When I call, it turns the air conditioner down. Really? Yeah. Whoa. But sometimes, it's cool because, you know, when you put your air conditioner all the way, it's pretty loud.

It would be annoying on the phone, you know? Yeah. But if it's like hot or cold enough, I'm like, no. I fucking, I don't know. I'll scream. I'll scream to the phone. I need the AC on right now. That is, I have hit the age where, like, the things that you used to make fun of would absolutely bother me.

Like, when your parents used to slow down to, like, or turn the radio down because they couldn't see the house numbers with radio. Now you do it. When they get mad because, like, the car light's on in the back. And I'd be like, yes. That would drive me fucking insane absolutely especially when you start doing parenting shit it's like everything is is like yeah oh yeah i get it wouldn't you it's it's very weird but when you need to think you do need less noise right it's actually not that weird like when

i walk into a store if i'm shopping i turn my music down on my headphones to like at most a whisper but like but i do actually think that music vibrates your eyes wait what um or is that wrong i think that i think that your eyes like v-i-b-r-a i think that like when you have music on in the car it vibrates your eyes a little bit so you can't see as well did Did I make that up? Yeah. Music can make your eyes move, and there are a few conditions that can make your eyes shake when you hear certain sounds. Nystigmus, tulip phenomenon, brain conditions.

That's what people say when you walk in the shower. What was it? Nystigmus. Oh, my God. You have your big day for you guys. Yeah. Big day. That's a good joke, bro.

Somehow we're getting to the stand-up, bro. So if you've ever Googled the eye vibrations. Are you guys excited? Yeah. Oh, that didn't sound convincing. You're just never going to be excited, though. Yeah. No, I'm excited he's always gonna play it

it'll be fun how many times do you think John Feidelberg has shrugged in his whole life are you happy I don't know I'm saying it how's it gonna go

alright that's why he's fucking jazzed got those traps I don't know the world's gonna keep spinning man you do

you're always in the shrug yeah cause I don't know anything you's gonna keep spinning man you do you are you're always in the shrug yeah yeah because I don't know anything you can't stop ask me a question you're getting in the shrug because I don't know anything well this is what we I'll tell you what I'll ask you about the if I ask you about the Salem wish trials

were you here for Christy yeah were you here for Christy no Yeah Were you here for Christy? No you weren't in the room No Chris Chris Started talking about how The Salem witch trials

Were actually the result of And you'll hear this interview this week The result of a wild weed That was growing In Salem That was like Unbeknownst to them They were putting it in all their food

And it can like Make you go crazy Because they found there was also some witch trials in France and the herb is in the same exact spot I don't know if that's true or not but whatever but he started to bring that up and John was like actually it was a battle over property I did read about that I was like the one the one time that john would be able to be like you didn't perk up when he when he the that that honestly that might be true that is not mentioned in the wikipedia but i i find it i get the idea of like there's these two towns that both have it but it's not like there is a witch trial inducing herb exactly if there was if there was a bunch of sudden deaths,

if all the children in town were dying or something, and you found this herb, but it's like, there's not an herb that causes misogynistic men to burn women. Well, okay, I'm glad you brought it up. It really wasn't about misogyny at all. It really is about property. Because there was the five guys. It was 25% men

Almost all of the accusers Female? Well that makes sense Teenage women Yeah because girls are bitches Was it like a virgin type thing? No it was a bunch of hater ass bitches It was a bunch of like hater hoes

I do wanna Wasn't it seriously though? Wasn't it like there was something It was mostly young girls And it was It was just Anyone they accused was just non-puritanical where like they they wore black a lot it was just people who did they wore they made their own ointments it was it was fucking it was astrology chicks and or right it was the ultimate like you're not a girl's girl yeah i think i'm on the brink of joining a cult.

I think I'm on the brink of... We've known this for a while. Okay, so, well, no, no, no. So it started with, I just wanted some simple sleep, like, to fall asleep better, I was like, maybe I'll try some, like, meditation, some, like, sleep meditation, sleep sounds, right? And then what comes up next is, like, sleep affirmations. Like, it will, like, make you more confident, like, in your sleep or whatever.

So I go, okay, like, I guess if I'm going to listen to music, I might as well be listening to, like, some affirmations like it will like make you more confident like in your sleep or whatever so okay like i guess if i'm gonna listen to music i might as well be listening to like some affirmations which also it's like i i hope to god my neighbors can't hear because literally like i am bold it's like i am bold i am strong hours no because it's like licensed music i i can't play it play that fucking music we'll bleep it out but i want to hear this i am bold no it's like it's actually pretty embarrassing so like just referring from all judgment okay okay so it keeps going okay so, so then... Wait, how long are we talking? I do want the bitches to be prepared for me to be... I mean, just, like, the most confident thing on this earth. Because I have now... Like, now I kind of can't go to sleep without it.

Okay, but then, on my, like, YouTube, then it kind of goes into, like, um... Like, what's it called? Like, hypnotism. And then it's kind of, like... And then I guess the same people who are watching, like,ist like things are watching like the like he will want me spell you know like witches spells and everything so then it's like it's like the it's titled it's like like the universe wants you to watch this video so okay well the universe like wants me to

watch the video my arm is tied here and then it's like, he will, like, if you, like, say these three spells, he will, like, want you with it by the end of the month. And, like, I don't have anybody right now who, like, again, like, whatever. I don't have anybody. You don't want to be putting a hex on at the moment? I don't want to be putting a hex on. But the second a boy starts talking to me. You better believe it.

Yeah. It's a witch trial. Yeah, put me at the stake. Burn me at the fucking stake. I don't know. Anyways, I'm becoming. Salem Witch Trial. Yeah, put me in the sink. Burn me in the fucking sink. I don't know. Anyways, I'm becoming... It's so crazy. It's like...

I get it now. I didn't... The whole time you've been talking about Salem Witch Trials, I didn't even realize I was becoming a witch before you guys died. Well, I remember you always used to say you were going to start a cult. I've said before, and I say again, the jury's still out on you on i'm like i can't tell if you're fun crazy or crazy crazy i can't tell either yeah right right from from a platonic point of view a co-worker point of view it's a lot of fun yeah i don't know once you start to

cross over yeah there might be guys who are like this room how it works out in the other world i don't know it's like it's like the guys the guys who like have really made me like crazy in the head have not been like guys who've wanted me back so i haven't even been able to like exercise my crazy that as much the guys who like i date are like guys i'm kind of like i don't really care if you talk to other girls you know so it's like go ahead fuck them i i think i i think that too i'm like i don't really like i i think with in which is i'm always like you you should do what you want to do i knew that my relationship i hope it's not a fuck other people but like do whatever the hell you want to do. For the most part, I'm watching Love is Blind, and this girl at one point goes,

I don't think we match in personality. I don't think we match in values. I don't think we match in morals. I don't think we match professionally, and I don't think socially we match. But I love you. I was like, no, you don't. You just don't. You're just jamming a fucking square peg in a round hole

you know so like yeah but i feel like the guys who i've like been really into i'm like on paper this does not work this is a waste of my time but i'm gonna think about you all the time that's different from like verbal you know they're like talking about whether they should be together yeah if you voice that like you don't like or you're not compatible in any regards and then be like but i just want to make it work it's like why the fuck would you want to make it because like like i'm saying the way you were like yeah do what like if you can't do what you want to do in a relationship and like it's not different and of course yes you can't do what you want to do in a relationship, and of course, yes, you can't keep fucking other people. You can't go out all night to the hours, hours of the night.

But if you can't be yourself. I wholly encourage you to do what you want to do. If I don't like it, we're going to break up. But keep doing whatever the fuck you want to do. Yeah, and that should just be it, by the way. That's what happens. It's like stalking and crazy reaction to breakups. Like, I don't know.

Do what you do, and if the person likes it, you're good if they don't you break up you move on like yeah you can fuck just don't let me find out you better be good at hiding it um the that kind of reminds me of disclaimer i've been watching disclaimer a new show on apple yeah and pick that up yet the this is kind of it's not really a spoiler it's what the show's about but the it's kate blanchett plays this woman who's very successful i don't really hasn't become super clear what is what she does but she's very successful and her husband sasha baron cohen very successful and they're whatever age kate blanchett and sasha baron coen are but 25 years ago she went on vacation and and she fucked this 19 year old she was probably mid-20s she fucks this 19 year old and the kid dies on that weekend and then the show is about her father the kid's father like making her pay for it and

i don't know what happens in the show it's only been two episodes but like it does i think they're trying to like split the marriage and like like say to the husband like ah she's cheated on you i'm like i'm watching i'm like if my wife we have this awesome life and my wife had a bad weekend 25 years ago yeah and the kid's dead like that's best case scenario but yeah all right it's like we'll get over this this is fine but like thank god he's not gonna be calling he's not gonna be texting he's not gonna if you could draw up the best way for you to cheat on me fuck a kid in a different country on vacation he dies in the water that day that's like when girls are like you know i found the perfect man he's like you know tall dark and handsome and he's like when girls are like, you know, I found the perfect man. He's like, you know, tall, dark and handsome. And he's like an orphan.

Right. Parents, you know, whatever. This ain't you guys have to watch Tell Me Lies because it's like the best show. But the finale, something very similar happens. Tell Me Lies, which one is that? It's like the one about like there's these people in college and this girl who's like just deals with this guy who's like it's like it's like they capture the college experience too perfectly kind of i mean it starts to get a little bit like second season like a little whatever but but like it's so eerie like all the girls are like this is creepy how close they get

it because most like shows don't really do that have that accurate it's shailene woodley right no oh but it kind of looks like shailene woodley it's um grace finn patton and you wouldn't know any of the characters anyways crazy but something very similar happens have i talked to you about that movie um uh it's what's on the inside no uh i think you would like it uh have you still haven't watched it yet no it's a Netflix one it's like um remember that that horror movie where you could grab the hand and you like. Talk to me. Talk to me. You didn't watch the one?

Okay. So, whatever. You don't need to know that really. It's just similar to that. The premise is one of the gang is getting married and so all the friends are getting back together. And one of the friends had like a weird thing happen in college that like they kind of cut him out of the crew but some people stuck around some people didn't that guy in the middle there Tommy oh and he

and he shows up with this machine it's a little bit sci-fi you gotta you gotta like just in reality it's a it's a suitcase and he's like supposed to be some weird tech wizard. And they created an Elon Musk neural link type technology where you all put little stickies on your head. And it all plugs into the suitcase and everybody switches brains. Whoa. Yeah. And so you have your body. You have their brain and their consciousness and everything. And then he just like

unplugs them and plugs them into other things and they do supposed to be like a party game like a night a game night and they do a couple rounds of of splitting and you have they have power up uh polaroids that they stick on their shirt so oh you have to guess sorry so it's like everybody starts talking and then you know i start seeing someone going like this. And I'm like, oh, that's John. You're being John right now. And then you put the Polaroid on you, and you narrow it down. But the whole cast, like this guy has an insecure relationship with this girl. They hooked up back in the day.

They don't know who's who. This guy's making moves. He's lying about who he is to fuck girls in the moment. And it's pretty cool. Wait, this is such an interesting show pav saw it you didn't you were like 50 50 out there i thought it was like uh it was really really fun and it was interesting and they got really creative with it but the overall storyline is like yeah it's okay i mean it's it's patently ridiculous but there's but it is you would like it because it's like very woo woo like what would you do if you switched that would be such a nightmare to switch brains with somebody

like it's just bodies but you say you switch brains too right well it's kind of the same thing right it's like yeah I guess like so if I'm in your body do I only know what you know or do I know what I know no no you're right you're not switching brains so like you still

have your right. It's switching bodies. I guess I described that wrong. It's not like all of a sudden you have all of Pabst's knowledge and shit like that. That would be worse. Yeah, yeah. All of Pabst's knowledge. I just jump into Pabst's brain and just.

When you're looking for snacks at your friend's house. He doesn't have anything i all the time think there's no way that everyone's voices or like head is this loud because we would all be talking about it it's just it's like the shit that's going on up here all the time is fucking insane we would all be talking like this is crazy how loud it is because there's no way that like, and then I look at you and you like literally are just sitting there like that.

And I'm like, there's no way we're the same. There's no way we're the same. I, my head's not loud. I'm, I'm having many conversations, but it's not,

I'm having, it's true. I'm having room, room decibel level conversations all the time. Well, it's like the thing that goes viral I just continued that conversation in my head yeah he does you stop talking but you keep talking

he gets like weird you go like deep right now we're fighting about this it's not weird you're like it is weird I'm like no it's not weird that's crazy if that happened to my brain i would go not but what goes on in your brain everything i don't know a lot i'm trying to like pinpoint it right now what's going on right now like going is like going into someone else's brain who doesn't

know what you know like i'm very very stupid i'm really not really no i am i i genuinely am i'm very i'm a very stupid person i also think i'm smarter than most people. So like most heads you get into, you'd be like, holy shit. This guy's fucking retarded. Not smarter. I know more. You're very well informed.

Like the George Carlin thing where it's like, think about the average person. Half the people are stupider than that. Yeah. But I always do feel like you are well informed, which is kind of half the battle like it's like you know there's a difference between like iq and like knowing

things yeah thanks but that's where you know there's like um jeopardy knowledge sort of thing where it's like i just know shit and then there's like if i put a like a puzzle in front of you or a problem you would be like all right here's how to fix it because i could just like think through that right i don't know what you have but i don't know you said you're dumb so you're like that's not like i'm not trying to like fish i'm very stupid but i think it'd be a nightmare in anyone else's head like this guy's a fucking moron like how dumb do you think people get before they get like if you're normal no disabilities like how dumb do you think people are like i know they say like over i think afghanistan has like the lowest iq as a country yeah because they just have no resources and no like anything you know uh like how dumb are those guys i mean they couldn't do

like jumping jacks in that one video but jumping jacks like you jumping jack that that video i feel like is is uh misleading kind of it was just like unfair you're on this office as we were jumping jacks it's not gonna look much better than that right right like it's just people who haven't done jumping jacks before it is kind of like yeah yes good yes good call same brain yeah switch brains imagine that if we if we switched it it was just like I guess it's not brains

though it is just switching bodies but but you kind of in a way you're not switching brains but you can like become a different person

you know what I mean because you can like pretend to be this way or that way you know what I mean like if you jumped into Pavs' brain into his body

what would you do for the day you know I i mean like if you jumped into pavs's brain into his body what would you do for the day you know i don't know but i do feel like we're kind of similar like yes i would just make the clips and even do social media and i kind of have to save like nine to five like even going out after probably go to the same bar too nothing must change if we both switch i think we're going to the same yeah i'm really i'm up to the podcast i think we're going to the same party this weekend too which is fun oh you're going saturday um i'm not going to that anymore i'm not going to that anymore what happened well i will i can explain this off air you're still sober by the way yes i oh i've been

sober for the past four weekends really thanks just weekends um no sorry weeks like and weekends okay i had like a few drinks the first the first weekend but that like it was like i haven't gotten drunk and then this weekend i was like i was gonna like call it quits and i was like i think i can go one more and then like next weekend like i there's a birthday party that i'm gonna try to be sober at that makes me sound like an alcoholic um anyways it's but it i i can't tell if i feel any different or not you know yeah um yeah that the i i did that where i was like i'm not gonna drink and then i went i started drinking again and i realized like i just like the camaraderie of it i just just like hanging out, and I can still do that. I never really cared for the feeling of drunk.

I like a nice cocktail. But I like it, like, it's just everything changes. Like, now I, like, I love, like, having, like, a beer now. Yeah. I'm just like, whoo! I feel a little drink-ski right now. Do you even get, like get a buzz from a woman? If I had last Saturday was Kansa's 40th birthday,

I had a beer and a half at it, and I was like, whoo! Okay. I'm saucy. Everyone else was in togas and shirtless, and I just dressed normal being like, you guys are crazy. I still love my espresso martinis i love a good cocktail like that but it's not like that feeling of just like i'm like crazy because if you're not like outwardly partying yeah you know what i mean like to me like getting drunk was like now i'm gonna

like dance and yell and be ridiculous rather than just like sit here quietly like i actually i notice i do all that stuff more do you i like dance more and i like i'm more i get tired faster but i'm more outgoing while i'm out not blacked out not like shit-faced yeah yeah yeah i just you know like the the idea like the way that like some people would you know you want to like have an edible or get high because you just like i feel feel good. And like, like I know people who think that way about being drunk and that's just not, to me,

it doesn't feel that way at all. Yeah, that's like, it's way more about just like a, we're going to do shots or we're going to like, taste this cocktail,

taste this, try that, like drink, you know, like let's get fucked up. I just like, because I don't feel like I have to like expend energy

socializing, whereas I feel like sober, like I, it's like, I'm like, I'm in a flow state, like whatever. I'm not getting energy state like whatever i'm not that's very i'm sorry say that again you you you do expend more energy when you're drunk or when you're sober when i'm sober like even though i'm like literally running around like doing god knows what when i'm drunk like i can the energy it takes for me to socialize i feel

like is like so much i can yeah yeah right i think that's that's probably why i'm like i'm home by like 11 hours i used to be home at like four but i'm just as tired getting home because it was like well i only had a beer yeah but i had to have a million conversations and that yeah i wasn't on autopilot the conversations the conversations are just so so bad the conversations are so bad having conversations now with people i don't want to talk to, especially like I going out is so rare that it's like I want to talk to my friends today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like we're here for like a guy's dinner. I haven't talked to him.

He had a kid. I got to catch up with him. Haven't seen him in months. And then like if one person is like talking my ear off about like, I don't know, some shit I don't want to talk about. I'm like, I can't right now. I can't yeah i don't have tomorrow or the next day we're gonna do this in like another two months so like shut the fuck up i gotta go over there try keeping up with the yale people oh my god this weekend like i don't understand any of their jobs

and if you think i understand your job i don't i don't if you think i'm like asking questions i'm just repeating what you just said but i don't know what the fuck you're saying that's every job yeah every job like it is funny here we like you know we obviously deal with all the time where it's not a real job it's fake life and it's all 100 true i completely agree but i i think that about every job yeah every job is a fake job you just it's not real like like you're you're in marketing you're in in sales you're like if you disappeared tomorrow either they fill that job or they wouldn't and either way it would be fine yeah it doesn't really matter it's such a good point but like they all pretty bleak thought but yeah like it is like these all your jobs are just

hobbies that someone pays you for they're not necessary there are like five jobs they're like five jobs doctor lawyer president doctor lawyer president are you throwing like dentists into doctor and all that yeah dentists wrapping the doctor veterinarians veterinarian like medical we'll put like medical that's all medical okay so in the doctor. Veterinarians. Veterinarian. Like medical. That's all medical. Doctor, lawyer, president.

You go like this? That's kooky, right? That's insane. Pinky. I can't even put my ring finger up without my third finger. The guy Sean out there was talking about this. I think that most guys you only counted two it's like yeah this is feminine no I feel like I feel like this is not quite a rule coming up

from the guy who does it the other way I didn't come up with the rules. I'm a total. But definitively, the pinky is a more feminine thing. No, because I feel like it's like... You know, like... No, because it's just the noise you're making. Wait. Wait. Let's get back to that.

I've got to get back to the fingers and second you, though. Say again? Dr. Lawyer, President, Cop, Farmer. Wait, like... I'm sorry. lawyer president cop farmer so like are we gonna like firefighters in with cops kind of like civil servant type shit these are just like the five main ones he's saying this is it that's it after that it's all fake yeah like what else is there real estate real estate guy no but there's bigger things i think there's like sales because that can mean you're selling real estate or you're selling like this but it's not a job still to sell shit to people it's a thing someone pays you to do it's not a job all jobs the only real jobs are vocations but i was gonna say trades. Yeah. Like, because I think, like, plumber is a job.

Yeah. But I also, I think that I was. So construction worker. I was going to say construction worker, which is, you know. But that's kind of. Electrician, plumber, contractor. If you're like an architect, like a, what do you call it? It's what I used to do when I was in, like a laborer, like a day laborer.

That's more of a hobby. It's a job, no doubt. Someone pays you to do it. But do we need it? No, we'll find someone else to do it. You know what I mean? Like, you have to have, again, Dr. Lawyer, President, cop, farmer. That's it.

I don't even think presidents want it. Yeah, what? No. You need a leader. You need someone in charge. No, but I'm saying if you don't need to learn your thing to do it, it's not a real job. And I think president's one of those ones you can fake. I mean, look at Donald Trump.

Yeah. He just, like, faked it. Like, you cannot fake being a plumber. You cannot fake being a engineer. You're making a good argument. You know? Yeah. You actually do have to go to school for those.

Yeah. actually do have to go to school for those like yeah you know but like so so i think yeah you need to like if i have to go to school to learn how to do the thing it's a job yeah or a career you know the educator is not one educator dude i after i i uh i recently i learned about the salem woods trials uh to to teach dana beers and the whole time time, I was like, this is unbelievable. This is great. Did you just discover Wikipedia? You keep bringing up Wikipedia. Well, I was just, no, I was like, I was putting together my lesson plan,

and I was like, I can just teach the stuff I think is interesting. I don't have to, like, teach them the whole thing. But, like, Plumber, like, I could just look up YouTube videos. You could, yeah. I mean, we're getting to the point where you can do that, but, like, that's very new and i still think being able to do a lot of those things even once you learn it is still pretty tough you know like you could like google how to like build a fucking piece of furniture but when it comes down to start doing it i think

you'd still struggle mightily until you did it over and over again which is essentially going to school you know what i mean you could go to school tomorrow and teach somebody you could teach a class like if you had a a notebook if you had enough like notes you could be like you could talk to them and be like and then this happened and if you do it with like confidence they would be like that's the teacher but if it's like i show up at your fucking house with a wrench and a hammer and i'm just like whacking pipes and shit, that guy doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. I see. I feel like it's like if I had to teach like calculus, you need so much backstory. Well, then eventually a backstory.

What's the story with calculus? So like who's calculus dating? No, but you're right. At some point, education does become real. But in the beginning, I think it's very snake it till you make it. It's really can you snake your profession or not? Yeah. In vocations,

you can't. Those are my real jobs. What is the definition of a vocation? Yeah. Because also, don't they say God, like vocations? Yeah. Strong feeling of... Okay, wait. That's not what i'm thinking then but that's just

a feeling i'm just thinking so they call vocational schools right a person's employment or main occupation a trade a profession that okay that definition not the strong feeling yeah that's the god shit i think it's like my vocation was to be a priest yeah okay yeah um yeah i think you gotta like have a tangible like this is the thing I do. I provide this service, and then there is an end to it. I remember when I was growing up, there was a vocational school in my hometown, and it was, I think it's probably kids being kids to an extent, but it was kind of looked down upon if you went to the vocational school.

And now, I bet those guys are. I bet now it's a completely different maybe i look obviously i'm talking about but the like i think now it's more impressive to be like oh i'm a plumber i'm a yeah whereas it used to be like i'm going to college no one goes to fucking college i saw i saw a video today and i think it was obviously staged a little bit but i think it's trying to drive the point home it was like over a girl's shoulder sitting in an auditorium and the the teachers at the front and he's writing on the chalkboard in huge letters no ai and the girl was using some sort of program where they just she just um takes a screenshot of

like the question yeah and like it's a multiple choice thing and the answer just like wait i'm not sure i follow so like she's just taking a test on her a multiple choice thing and the answer just like. Wait, I'm not sure I follow. So like she's just taking a test on her computer screen. And the teacher's like, no AI, no AI on the board. But all she's doing is she just takes her mouse. She takes a screenshot of the question. And then like a bubble pops up that's like, you know, the answer. It's like an AI thing being like the answer's A, the answer's C.

And she's just scrolling through her test. Screenshot, screenshot, screenshot, screenshot. Answer, answer, answer, answer. Really? And the caption was like, college just doesn't exist anymore. It's like that, that. But I'm sure somebody said that about-

Like calculators for regular life? I'm sure people said it about calculators. I'm sure people said it about Wikipedia. All these things that people were like, school is like, you're not even learning anymore. It's like you just have to adjust or like that's the new version of it. But we're kind of getting to a point of like it's just like if you were a super smart –

if you were a robot and I turned to you and I said, what's the answer? And you gave me the answer like you're really not learning anything. Yeah. Education is a lot like nowadays. It's a lot like this painting I really like that like you get out of it what you put into it. So you pour as much stardust as you want into education. What image are we talking about?

What does Nate say? He's always getting his glitter. Get the shovel out. About a month ago. Yeah, probably about a month ago maybe yeah probably about a month ago nervous yeah yeah no it's an attack we sat on this podcast yeah and we're like things were changing how did last night go yeah we had to get to it eventually it didn't change it didn't change i'm not even really asking so much for the Mets. I loved it. The Mets was a

great run, but like it was about two teams. It was Mets and Jets. Yeah. I mean the Jets. I can't even talk

about the Jets. I didn't watch a second. Okay, I'll talk about the Jets. I'm the only one who's going to say I'm the only one

in the world. I'm going to back you up on it. Okay. 100%. Me, you, and Richard Sherman. So he finally tweeted about it. No, he didn't tweet world. I'm going to back you up on it. Okay. 100%. Me, you, and Richard Sherman. So he finally tweeted about it.

No, he didn't tweet about what I'm about to say. Aaron Rodgers is one of the most colossal disappointments in the world. Yep. And I really genuinely think people are afraid to say this. I don't know if it's because he's in the media a lot, and Pat McAfee loves him and he he'll like clap back at you or there's the political aspect uh dude stinks and was hyped up to be like a super bowl savior yeah like if it was if it was more like like brett farve was like uh gunslinger who's won before, we're going to give it a shot.

You might catch light in the bottle here. And they did. He got injured. They were 8-3. They were going to cruise to the playoffs. He got injured, and then they jetsed it up. But they were never like, yo, Brett Favre is going to come here and win the Super Bowl.

Right. Aaron Rodgers has been called a GOAT for a long time now. And I get I'm not a deep deep deep x's and o's football guy i get that he like can make throws that other people don't make and shit and they talk about his arm like it's the most fabulous arm in the world and it's like again i i don't know i think patrick mahomes can make like amazing fucking throws i think like rich gannon could throw the ball like amazing like it's kind of like being like you have a pretty swing you talk shit about I think Patrick Mahomes can make amazing fucking throws. I think Rich Gannon could throw the ball amazing. It's kind of like being like you have a pretty swing.

Did you talk shit about Brevard? Yeah. It's like having a pretty swing in baseball. It's like, okay, it looks cool and whatever, but are you good and are we winning? He came in, Brady took the Bucs, but the Bucs got a bunch of talent and like he run with them the broncos and peyton same fucking thing i'm asking for aaron rogers to like win

regular season games i'm asking aaron rogers when it's 20 to 20 in the fourth quarter with three minutes to go against the bills when the season technically was still like if they if they beat the bills the other week it would be first place at the nfc yeah three minutes go score nothing nada zip zero we fired a coach for you we ended a holdout for you we went and got two of your buddies and your buddy uh oc we have like completely coddled you and put you in like this perfect your so-called perfect position and put and rogers in a this perfect, your so-called perfect position. And put Aaron Rodgers in a safe space. He's in a safe space,

a little snowflake. They suck. They were better last year with Zach Wilson and Robert Sala and, and a three man rotation at quarterback. And then we got allegedly, supposedly a goat. And yes, he's a Hall of Famer. And the team still stinks and is arguably worse. And I was always kind of like, I definitely don't think he's a Brady.

I don't even think he's a Manning. I think there's other guys that I would just take straight up over him. If he didn't have that one, he'd be like the most colossal disappointment in the world. So now he's coming to us, washed up, he's slow. There are other problems for sure. But like, so to me, like the offensive line and some of the defensive problems should be like, okay, you're not like the Super Bowl contender

we thought you were going to be. But we're going to be in there. We're going to try. We're going to like be a playoff team. It's like, this team is bad, and we blamed every other quarterback. Again, we always say the offensive line and the coaching, there's always been problems with the Jets, but we hammered the rookies, the Darnolds, the Zach Wilsons, hammered them.

Get them the fuck out of here. This guy stinks. And Aaron Rodgers is basically doing the same shit. And I'm hearing like Jack Mack was like, no, he's like throwing the ball well. And like he's making a couple plays. It's like, we're not like talking about that. We're talking about winning fucking football games and like leading the team to being a contender. And it's not happening.

Why is nobody fucking giving like. It's what I've always said about aaron rogers yes he can make throws brady can't yes he can do throws other people can't that's not what being a quarterback is it's obviously a humongous part of it but like quarterback is the confidence you instill your guys how you hold the room what your game prep preparation is like It was always very clear Tom Brady is the better quarterback here. He's the only person who's not splintering every locker room he sets foot in. Not only person, but the only person in this two-person conversation. It's crazy.

It's not good. I'm very happy. I'm like those gifs when you flop the chair out. I'm like, I'm here. For the Aaron Rodgers down the hall. Well, here's the other thing, too. The words that I saw used the other day was, Woody Johnson is now very involved.

That's a bad thing for many reasons. First of all, I think when your owner is now starting to supersede and kind of toss aside your GM uh gm and head coach like that's never good yeah unless like i don't know if like bill belichick owns a team one day or something um he's he's not good it shows he has no faith in like his his brain. And whenever this happens, I'm trying to think of a time in sports it worked. But if you throw together aging stars, it really doesn't work.

No. I mean, I'm trying to think. Nets, Lakers. Those were the first sports illustrated companies. I remember which Lakers you're talking about. The, like, fucking Steve Nash. Yes. Right. Yeah.

The Gary Payton and Malone Lakers, you know, it's like, it's much better to have like your guy and then up and coming hungry, young athletic guys than people on the tail end of their career. Yeah. And it's especially not that when you're doing it mid-season it's like now you have an interim coach you're bringing in guys who have to like learn the playbook old guys that are like

just his friend we're talking about like uh somebody on the fan today was like him and davante adams have like a esp thing like this connection it's like i don't know i think davante adams is probably starting to age out. It goes fast, man. You know, like the next best receiver is like, is already probably here and you're fucking on the tail end. And if you're not the mobile guy and you're not the same, you don't have the same magic up your sleeve.

Like, I don't give a fuck about the Hail Marys. I don't, you know, Tom Brady is fucking on the sideline with two minutes to go because he's got the lead. Like, we're not on the sideline with two minutes to go because he's got the lead like we're not worried about the fucking Hail Mary at the end because like the job's done or you know we're gonna just dink and dunk our way down there it's not gonna be third and 18 and you're just gonna fucking wing it and hope for the best even down to like you know the other day Mike Williams fell over because he had to stop try to come back to the ball and he looked a little goofy and fucked up and he kind of ran the wrong route. But it also was a shitty, underthrown ball.

And no one's talking about that. It's just no one's saying it. And I can't believe it because we ruin, mentally, emotionally, and probably, that translates into physically, ruin the rookies who should not even be under that pressure. And this guy who's supposed to be able to do

it is not and we're all just like waiting i saw like the espn has them ranked they had like a 48 chance of making the playoffs right now eighth best in like the league and it's like because we're just assuming that all of a sudden he's going to play like 2010 Rogers or whatever that fucking, you know, best years was. What are we talking about? This guy sucks. The team sucks. You just saying we ruined emotionally, mentally, whatever, reminded me of one of your tweets the other day that I loved. When you were like...

I think I'm not going to love it. If you love it, I'm not going to love it. It's just so funny. It was Frank, and you were like, I think Frank working out has affected his mental health. I think somehow Frank's physical exercise has affected his mental state. No, I do have to get a little gay for the moment, though, about the Mets

because I set off Mike. I'm reserving my – how crushed I am about the Mets is TBD. It is on hold. My ultimate sadness for this year will be determined by what happens in the World Series. I will not watch a single second of it. I will not in the world series. I will not watch a single second of it. I will not see a single pitch. I will not watch a highlight.

I will not check a score. I will like have to check a score the next day and just be told what happened. Otherwise I'm going into complete baseball blackout mode of, I'm just going to watch reality TV and watch good movies. If they win somehow, then I kill myself. If they win somehow, then I kill myself. If they don't,

I'm very happy with this year. Like it was so much fun. Even their good year a couple of years ago was like so stressful and it was not enjoyable. This was enjoyable, over, over,

you know, overperformed. They were all likable guys. and then we also had this like awesome the mets aliens is like one of my favorite things that's ever happened at barcelona truly it was really like one of the best little rides i mean it's also you know i don't know maybe this happens to you guys all the time every playoffs i don't know we don't have that experience but even when we did like the me and clem were the first electric chair ever, first stream for the 2016 play-in game, wildcard game. And it was, like, just us, you know?

And then so it's, like, looking back at that, it just kind of keeps growing. 2015 was, like, we were doing the bus, but I don't even know who else was here. It was a Mets fan. It was, like, Glennie and, and like a couple other guys it was like kind of like on an island you know and even if there was I was on the road with those guys so that wasn't the same and then 2022 was short-lived this was like I I I there was a clip of uh Sean Mania the Mets pitcher, talking. And he got emotional. And I want to play it because I was like, word for word,

this is my speech to the aliens. It's only 30 seconds. Yeah, I'm just super proud of everything we accomplished. Everyone here. everything we accomplished, everyone here, you know, nobody else had, started crying. These boys grinded the whole year and,

you know, it's sports. So, just as it is. And I was like, I literally was like, fellas, like,

it was an honor. It a pleasure you know but i mean he's getting choked up he's like there's nobody else i would rather do this with this is exactly what i want to say to the fellas i mean it was it's pavs clem jack mack clemmer meek mill jenks frank me rico i mean it was like for the last two, three weeks, we were with each other more than our families and shit. And did you see 15-year-old Steve's video, the Clemmer counter? The got him. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like every strikeout I knew, Clemmer was going to say, get him. And in the beginning, it actually kind of drove me nuts. And by the end of it, I was like, yo, did you say it? Did I miss it? You got it in there? Okay, good, good. And everybody has their own phrases and things that they say and ways that they act. But I bring it all up to say the ultimate one really was Frank because I found him in years gone by to be absolutely insufferable and not even in a funny way or a cute way.

I was like, I hate this. I don't enjoy watching with you. I don't like the way you talk about the team all of that shit and he i don't know there's i think there's a lot going on with frank that made it like he was great to watch with because when he's not being a freak he's like this you know encyclopedia of like cool facts and weird knowledge um but it was like you're my team man you're my squad the aliens i You're my squad. The aliens. I saw Frank at the, I went to the Devils game Friday night.

Friday night? Saturday night, maybe. And I saw Frank just like walking. And he was like, I was with, the Devils play the Capitol. So I went to the game with Nate. So you guys went separately and then saw him? And then just saw him, yeah. And it was after the game, we're walking out.

And it was just like, oh, what's up, Frank? And the Devils had just lost in overtime. And we as after the game we're walking out and it was just like he's like oh what's up frank and the devils have just lost in overtime and we talked about the game no like freaking out no chewing on the name it's just like yeah a little discussion about the game good to see you frank see you later goodbye yeah i mean he he is a different man he still found his way like he was just mad about like fox the broadcast not like us or the other team you know what i mean these motherfucking camera angles you know all right we can all yell about that i do have to give credit to the fox the drone shots were cool as fuck the drone shots are cool the rest bro so bad and tbs with the fucking second base just being shaded a little bit different than first and third.

Every time I turned on an AL game, I was like, someone's on second. I was like, everyone's always on second base in the AL. And then everyone was complaining about that and they didn't fix it. That is, I guess people like these producers just don't see these things or they don't give a fuck.

But just get in there and make it the same fucking color. Everybody hates the in-game interviews everybody was complaining they never showed the bullpen and who's coming into the game everyone was complaining about the bases being shaded in wrong 100 across the board it was not one fan who was like i like the in-game interviews but my the thing with that though like i just have to assume it does play well for people who are casual fans. Because every league does it, and everyone who's a real fan says we don't like it. So it has to.

They must do focus groups. It has to work on somebody. Because real fans, it annoys them. But if you're just... They miss pitches and shit. You know what I mean? But honestly, to probably 75% annoys them. But, like, if you're just... They also miss pitches and shit. You know what I mean? But, like, to... Honestly, to, like, probably 75% of people watching the game,

they don't... Like, they're fine missing a pitch. I guess. You think? I don't know. I don't think people tune into baseball to say where they, like, we'll just pop on a football game. I think if you're watching the game, you're, like,

are into baseball. I largely agree with you. But I think that there must be everything all sports are sold on human interest like you watch the olympics you watch like the world cup like all that stuff is sold on human interest so like you have to get the humans involved it is also to be fair it's like what we always bitch about with baseball where we've always been like they don't want to market their players they don't know like an in-game interview with the guy who just had a home run is probably fine like but there there's just a time to do it.

Doing it while the game is going on is crazy to me. To me as well. But there has to be evidence somewhere that it's useful. Frank blew a gasket when they interviewed the guy who hit the home run. I know. He was like, that's fucking so unprofessional! So, I mean, the ride is over. It was extremely fun.

I think for better or worse, it also fully indoctrinated my kids, which sucks such a fucking dick that they're like, I haven't really done this with them yet, but they're going to be like, wait, but the Yankees are in it? I thought the Mets were the better team and the more fun team. I was like, they are. The more fun team doesn't win every year. Yeah, exactly. Life ain't fair, kid.

Learn your lesson. How did Shay like Taylor Swift? I was going to say, one member of the family had a horrible night. The other had maybe the best night of her life. No, not even maybe. Definitively the best night of her life. Really? Straight up, point blank, quote a this is my dream come true that's awesome yeah it was very cool um i i just like love taylor swift because of this

like i used to be like not like a hater but i would you know make fun of like her i did think she was like uh kind of you you tipped your toe into hater yeah i would you know make fun of like her i did think she was like uh kind of you you tipped your toe into hater yeah i i did think the uh the dancing and the always being surprised about winning the grammys and some of that shit was a little bit much uh started to join her side like i was like oh scooter braun's a fucking asshole that kind of turned it a little bit liked midnights um but once once shea like became a fan once you see somebody who like i mean it like legitimately changed shea's life like she all of a sudden got into music and she started playing the guitar and she started memorizing lyrics and performing and dancing and

all that and like talking about it and had her own like hobby and interest i was like i i love you so much taylor swift i i will defend her forever now her music is like i i know she's a great songwriter there's a bunch of hits that i do like the rest of it i could kind of take it or leave it but i'm like just the experience you create is so unbelievable for a little girl. And Shay was just talking to strangers at the... So also Shay got the Eras Tour jacket. So if you're a... If you don't know about it, Dave

created the Eras jacket. It was a jean jacket that he got stitched up and patched up. It has all of her albums on the back. And I guess somebody just randomly... Some girl said, can I have your jacket, right? No, I think he started it with the intention of becoming it. I think so.

I thought someone was like, I want it or whatever. And he was like, you can have it, but the rule is. So whatever way, however, he came up with it. Dave's rule was you pass the jacket on to someone who's going to the next tour. And so now it has traveled the world. They also have now included um a bag that has bracelets and other things you get the bag oh really yeah i think i think uh like there was a couple notes written that i think people like keep the note but put like a a copy of it in there yeah

stuff like that um and so so so the morning i don't know exactly how it works but the person who runs the dave eris tour jacket account is like it's like a professional job it's like it's like i mean think about how often she travels yeah you know so they they have to coordinate and mail it like when it's is it not daniella i just i was assumed it was daniella i don't think so oh is it i know i have no idea i thought dan Daniela kind of just does all that stuff. No, because I think it's kind of like a separate thing. I think it's a fan thing. Really?

Well, I don't know. So I get the text in the morning that they're like, the Aris Tour jacket girl reached out or a person reached out. Yeah, well, if it wasn't Daniela who reached out to you, then it's not Daniela. But it wasn't me. It was them. So I don't know.

I didn't even think to ask. But I think Daniella would just text you. Probably. Yeah. But then I texted Dave and I said, guess who got the nod for the jacket? And he goes, I know. I heard. But it wasn't like a, yeah, I told.

You know what I mean? He was not involved in it at all. So how did you? This just happened. But how did they know Shay was going to be in Miami? Caitlyn was posting about it and stuff like that. So she was talking about her trip on social media. And I guess they reached out and they were like, do you want the jacket for the night?

And so I'm assuming whoever does run that account is enough of a stoolie to know Caitlyn and follow and all that shit. There's no way it's a coincidence like that so so whoever it is kind of knows following sees that reaches out and says you can have the jacket and then uh and then so i'm like talking with dave being i'm texting him being like you know do you guys want to meet somewhere or should i give him your address or whatever he's like yeah just have him come by the house and the the meetup between dave and shea clancy is an all-time oh shea was so nervous she was so like quiet i know like like that's not you know shea was probably shaking in her boots um but it was i mean again i've been i've been using this one example over and over but i'm going to

continue to do because i think it's so funny. This is a man who wished and hoped that aliens would abduct her out of a crayon. On the rundown, there was a spate of alien sightings in one month. Those things come in bunches. There was one that was particularly a big big headline the navy has like confirmed aliens and we had a fight about like you know we would go down with the human race me and dan are like pro humans and dave was like fuck that i'm going up with the aliens like i pick winners i ride with the patriots i'm from boston i'm riding with the aliens and we and we had this whole no fuck you fuck you, team human, team alien.

And so he just became like pro, pro aliens. And he was like, I hope they come in there. I hope they abduct her right out of her crib. And now I've met up with him. And not only was he, you know, very nice about it, but he texted me afterwards and says it was very cute. Really? And I was like like this is weird like dave saying anything is cute let alone like my daughter is fucking banana land but but much like taylor swift having to thank her

i have to thank dave and whoever runs the dave eras jacket tour because this made it like it went from a 10 to like a 20 in shay. Because A, I was like, yo, besides Taylor and her openers, besides the people on the stage, you are the next most important thing on the show. People would be like, who's the girl who has the jacket? Who's the person who's wearing the jacket today? So she was like, I think Shay almost convinced herself she was gonna be on stage um because they i think they got pretty good seats i think they were floor seats but shay was saying things like kind of like so like when

i meet her like i think she's gonna like see my sign or like i was like baby i don't you know let's keep our hopes it's gonna be fun but i remember i think when i was her age i went to uh smackdown at td garden and i same thing like i thought i was gonna wrestle with the rock the rock's gonna bring me this is it the rock did wrestle twice that night so it was pretty sick anyway but the yeah i mean she does she calls it she says can i do taylor doing taylor swift is what she does she goes into a room by herself and she plays the entire um uh eras tour concert from front to back and she performs the whole thing she knows every word of every song she also knows all the talking points she'll be like hey so five stadium we're here tonight she talks along with the whole thing so every night she's

like can i do tay? Can I do Taylor? I'm like, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. And then so I get a, oh my God, I just got a text right now. Shay is in Us Weekly. Really? So these were the pictures of her just linking up with just random little girls. That's so weird. just linking up with just random little girls like holding court just you know draped draped in this thing she had she had a no no idea who they were um she was draped in the jacket and had on what i almost would not have allowed her out of the house to wear to be honest whatever

mama and her had their trip she had like a taylor swift like concert outfit on bedazzled and and all that um so it was probably like literally the greatest night of her life i just can't fucking believe it um so thank you to taylor swift and dave for making that happen because she will uh i was like i was thinking the whole time i was like oh man i wish i was there but like what if the mets won or whatever and then they lost and i was like i fun fuck goddamn it's the fall which means it's time to have hearty meals you know you're talking about the gets the sun goes down it gets a little bit colder and you want to have some some autumn inspired recipes for for dinnerFresh has got you covered. They send you a box with all sorts of proteins and veggies and sauces and spices that are all geared towards the season of fall. I'm sure there's some chilies and some pumpkin stuff and some vegetable medleys and all sorts

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do it and get ten free meals. Go to HelloFresh.com slash free KFC. Feidelberg out. Jackie shifts over. Fights just did his Philly show. And by the time you listen to this, they will have done their Chicago show for Out of Order. I heard very good things about it. Very, very pumped to see his stand-up. I think he's going to smash it.

I heard that he smashed it. Yeah, I've heard good things, but I want to see it. He's so stupid, man. He's like, I was so worried the crowd wasn't going to like the sketches. They're out-of-order fans, bro. Yeah, I know. They bought tickets to go to the out-of-order show. They're going to love the out-of-order sketches, man.

Not to mention they're like fucking mini movies that are hilarious. But it's like, yeah, these people love you, dude. And it was better. It seemed like it was better than even like it was like a roaring laugh. Right, right, right. Even just a regular. Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean, we we always did that with with our live shows. But it's funny to not be in it now because I could be like, you're so fucking stupid. You know what I mean? Like when me and him would be like, I don't know about that show. And you guys would be like, that was a good one. What are you talking about? Like, I don't think so. Yeah.

Now that I'm on the outside, I'm like, I'm sure it was fucking amazing, dude. That's such a good. But it's easy to do as I say, now that i'm on the outside i'm like i'm sure it was fucking amazing dude that's such a good it's easy to say do as i say now that i do sort of thing i also feel like something like when i would do when i would actually be on stage like you're so the anxiety it's like you can't even hear like well but that's why i think he's great he never had that he was always like you're nervous up there i'm like fucking yeah dude i'm nervous i'm sweating i'm shaking i mean i'm like i can always just like get through it. But on the inside, every time a show ended, I was like, thank God.

Yeah. Like, don't ever want to do that again. And then I'd get up for it a little bit for like the next show. But then like the same ups and downs every time. And he would always be like, I don't know. I'm good. Like he would have his opinions on it. But he was always like, I'm pretty fine.

So like I was like, I think you're going to get up there and do stand up like a total natural. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I bet that's exactly what happened. I'm curious. But he also wrote it like five minutes the night before. That's also. But I feel like that's fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Out of Order, this is their tour week. I'm pretty sure they're already sold out, so you can't get any more tickets. But I believe they will be doing a bigger tour later. So if you're an Out of Order fan, if you're not, go watch their sketches. They're unbelievable. They're like fucking, like I said, movies.

The one that's about to come out that they played at the show looks like an actual like bank robbery movie. Yeah. I'm watching like a Michael Bay movie. It's fucking insane. So go check that out.

If you haven't, Out of Order on YouTube. Today is going to be the last day for our fundraiser. I haven't talked about this on the podcast yet. I've talked about it on social media. Uh, we made up these t-shirts for this family in my town, uh, the O'Neills who their father,

their, the father was a retired NYPD cop and he, um, shot and killed their mother and then killed himself. So there are three boys who are uh orphans in my town or 15 13 and 11 and um it's like the most depressing story i've ever heard in my life the whole town is like you know rocked by it obviously um and so we put the the t-shirts on sale like we always do i didn't know what fucking shirt to make, man. I was like... I think it's good. It's cute, but it's like people... So we raised like

$26,000, which is like great. That'll like help pay groceries for those kids for like six weeks. That's insane. It's crazy. We raised $750,000 for the last firefighter and Dave doubled it to $1.5, but because this woman is a school teacher.

And people were like, i don't like the shirt and i was like it's not about the fucking shirt man i just googled fucking what what like orphan logo like or like orphan organizations use and it's hands and hearts so i was like there's no cool patch there's no fireman patch there's no fireman patch. There's no thin blue line. I don't know what to make for these kids. Should I have just made, like, a fucking Yankee shirt? I don't know. So I'm sorry if the shirt design is not cool enough. I never in a million years thought that people actually cared about the shirts. You should have made some, like, high-key things.

I buy the shirts. I throw it in the garbage. Like, I never even considered. Maybe I should have made, like, just a cool shirt. I don't know. I was trying to think of something that would just like it just applies to everybody it doesn't matter what it is because if i made it like a sports team maybe other fans wouldn't buy it or if you're not from this town i won't i don't wear it you know what

i mean so i just tried to do something generic yeah i don't know but it's just crazy to me that it's like it really kind of goes to show that when when those things happen and everyone's like we got to raise money for these kids, it's like, apparently not, because I'm telling you the story here. And I guess it just doesn't go viral in the same sense when you have cops and firefighters. And I know that they're everyday heroes and it's very sad that they die in the line of duty

and it's somewhere that they willingly put themselves in the line and then they lost everything. So I get the differences, but it's also like everyone always says, like, let's raise money for these kids. And it's like, well, now it sounds now it seems like you're raising money performatively. Now it feels like you're doing it to, like, talk about it online or wear the shirt and be like, I donated. Because if it really was about the kids, I cannot even imagine a worse story than finding your mom after your dad shot her.

So like the kids they found. Yeah. Yeah. So like she they found her. Yeah. So, like, she didn't die right away. So they called the police and they tried to save her on the scene. Couldn't do it. Like, what's worse than that? Nothing.

So why is it not, you know, 750 grand? Because it's not a hero thing. And I don't know if that's politics or just social media or performative, you know, popularity shit. I don't know what it is, but it's wildly disheartening. But it's still 26 grand, so that's good. Wait, what happens to the kids? That's why I was like, let's raise as much fucking money as we can. I don't know. What if they don't have a good aunt and uncle?

What if their grandparents are gone? What if they don't, know 15 13 and 11 is like you're just gonna start to worry about like high school and college you're just gonna start to worry about you know sports and equipment and travel like all you know it's like they need the money like the most now i have no idea what's gonna happen to them hopefully they do have a good family but whoever that is is not prepared to take on three extra kids. So it's like, you know, and there's life insurance and there is a GoFundMe that raised a lot of money. We'll put that link in there as well. But GoFundMe takes like a pretty big fucking chunk of it.

So the T-shirts are always like the best way to get money directly to the families. And there's not a middleman organization that takes a cut. So when we get 750 grand from us, we know where the money is. We know what's going on with it. We can give it directly to them. organization that takes a cut so when we get 750 grand from us we know where the money is we know what's going on with it we can give it directly to them there's no even like the most guaranteed charities if you really look into them there's always money off the top and they gotta you know run their business and all that shit so can you try and redesign a new shirt again i don't i what do i what do you do what do i do i don't know if you have you do? What do I do?

I don't know. If you have any ideas, yeah. If people have any ideas, we can do it again. At this point, I feel like the story kind of dies. That's the other thing is like there are tragedies all over the world all the time. So you do have to pick and choose. Personally, I think a murder-suicide in your house is pretty much top of the line. I'm sure there's somebody out there that's like, I had this happen and I had that happen.

Can you raise money for me? And I do feel bad. That's why I hesitated to like compare tragedies because that's shitty and classless. But it's like this one is exceedingly rough. So I figured this was worth it. But it doesn't get the same publications writing about it countrywide, all over the place. It was a very local thing. So I guess in that sense, raising $26,000 is actually probably pretty good because the amount of people locally that probably all donated or bought, it's probably like everybody. But it just doesn't reach other cities and other towns and other states for, you know, whatever reason.

But to everybody who did buy, thank you. And if you do want to support at the last second, we'll leave it open through maybe like tomorrow or something. You go to the Barstool Sports Store and the shirt will be there and all proceeds go right to the boys. We're going to do, we have an interview with Heather McMahon, who is my favorite person. She's so funny. It's like, you know, my true like friends, friends that I've made, like, Stefano we just had and a couple of the comics who are, like, my friends now. After that, it's her.

She's my favorite person. And she's so nice. Like, she's so nice to, like, me. She's so fucking nice. Yeah. She's, like, handing out her number and helping, giving out advice about men and, like, talking business with me and brings her husband in and her husband her husband caught like a thousand strays in this interview he he like he

just sat there yeah he was just like okay sounds good man he was such a gangster about it yep i mean i'm sure that's his life what i'm sure that's just his life yeah yeah that's a good quality just just getting absolutely massacred by your girlfriend and being cool with it? But then, like, he was just like, I play golf on those jokes. So, yeah. Yeah. Well, that is the thing. I think he recognizes.

And it sounds like he's a successful guy in his own right. So I don't think he's some, like, freeloading sugar baby. But, like, I'm sure he recognizes that, like, we're jet setting to Italy because mom is on tour. You know? So if she wants to clown on me a little bit um but it sounded like there was I can't remember what it was now but there was one thing I was like this is real the what it was like something she called him out on I was like this is a real gripe like real shit she yeah she kept going yeah I was like this is not like for the cameras or whatever she she oh it was the the billboard thing she tells a story about the billboard he bought her a billboard and then was like mad that is not like for the cameras or whatever. She, she, oh, it was the billboard thing.

She tells a story about the billboard. He bought her a billboard and then was like mad that she wasn't there for the photo op. And that was a very real fight. I was like, oh man, most couples have this fight. It's just about like you ordered the Uber and I wasn't there. In their case, it's a fucking billboard in Times Square. You know what I mean? But every couple is fighting about like the same shit.

It's just whether it's, you know, like famous or not. So Heather's on the show. She is absolutely incredible. Love her fan base too. She, if she wasn't like massive,

if we could have gotten to her like in her early stages of her career, I think she would have been great here because she is just like, she talks about it all, everything in life.

Like, she really like when people say like they take up a room, like, yes, she is. She has an aura, man. in life. Do you really like when people say they take up a room? Yes. She has an aura, man. She walks in and it's like, this is her fucking show. You're just lucky to be in it. Yeah, she's badass.

All right, we'll get into our voicemails right before the interview, but we got to talk about the Barstool drama going on with Tate and the New York office, which has just spiraled out of control and taken on a life of its own after Dave threw down the gauntlet of moving Tate to New York if the New York office votes to do so, which is a wild move

and it's going to be crazy intrigue and drama and it's crazy for content. I think it's going to be crazy intrigue and drama and it's crazy for content i think it's i always have like the like content wise it's amazing i have the best interest of the people here in mind when i think about these things i think they're kind of put in like a lose lose lose lose situation where like the internet seems to hate this idea they love tate they don't like new york they think this is too far um so if the new york office votes to do it they're the assholes and they get like the blowback they the the the commenters and the people on twitter and all that will will shit on them if they don't do it nate's gonna uh tate's gonna turn right around and be like you guys are

pussies and you couldn't do it. So you take an L that way. And if they like – if Dave just made this decision on his own, it would be up to him. But the fact that he's putting it in our hands is now putting the brunt on us. So if we said like, no, you have to decide, Dave, Tate would be like, well, just like usual, New York's not doing the content. So it's like no matter which way they move, they're going to catch some sort of heat. Now, I particularly am of the school of thought, and this is just because I've been around and I've done it for so long and I've had so many people hate me for so long that like the people who hate you are always going to hate you no matter what. So there's no world where depending on how you handle this, whichever way you vote, people are going to go, wow, like, I really like the New York office now.

Those guys, you know, they were really mature about this. Nope, those people are still going to hate you, still going to talk shit about you, still say all of the, you know, wild shit that they say that Tate, you know, riles up as like a commenter. So I would just say, you know, if, you know, this dude showed up and fucked with people and then when, and fucked with their lives.

And then Dave, I mean, Dave Portnoy does not lose when you start fucking with Dave, he's found a very good way to, you know, get back at him, keep his hands clean. Cause he can be like New York voted,

whether he's doing that on purpose or like subconsciously. I think Dave is like, no, it's genius. I mean, it's like perfect to just be like, York voted, whether he's doing that on purpose or subconsciously, I think Dave is like... That was genius. I mean, it's perfect to just be like, it wasn't me, which is so fucked up because it should be his decision, not regular people out there making entry-level salaries. But it's just like, I don't know.

There are consequences for your actions. You came in, did this whole thing, and Dave reacted in kind. And now that's that. Many people have gone through that war before where it's like, oh, I bit off more than I could chew. I went at like the boss, and now he cracked the whip. Also, people are talking like he's – we're like sending him to Siberia. It's like he's going to get a fucking raise.

He's going to come to the best city in the world, and they're going to pay for his move and probably give him a raise to match the cost of living, which it's not like Chicago is the middle of nowhere. He also got summertime shy, and now he's beating the winter. Yep, this is the winter in Chicago. You're fine. Well, I don't know. His girlfriend might be fine.

His girlfriend's got to be so mad. I'd be so mad. I would be so mad. What would you do? What would you do? Well, I would just be like, okay, I'm not moving. Also, unless you're making a significant amount of money, I'm not moving like 50 times with you. So I think she has not yet moved to Chicago. I think that is the plan.

I think she was from Ohio. She was like, I'll move to Chicago with you. Okay. Okay. So then if it's just like, wait, nevermind, we're going to pivot to New York, but Chicago, New York are very different. You can, I think, right? Like you can still get, that's what I, you know, you're closer to home and probably still have family in the Midwest and shit like that. I don't know. I mean, the, the, the most, I've said this before a million times, the most difficult thing to do when you're at Barstool

is have a successful career and a successful serious relationship not the most difficult there's plenty of people who it just works and they have supportive men and women

on both sides who are just like I support you and it's cool there are other people who struggle mightily with it and it's like a big problem

and honestly it might be the case here i don't know i don't know anything about him or his girl i think if he wants like redemption i think it's a good idea for him to come here because i think it's like he's gonna come here and then just naturally everyone's gonna be like okay this guy's not that bad he's gonna get more comfortable and then like i don't know i feel like if he can make it here you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. I mean, I – if there was like one – if – he has not like on any level I think appealed to any of the people who – this is put on the New York office. But like I don't really care. I don't think – like John, like it's the guys who he's going at.

He's saying they're lazy and shit like that. You know what I mean? So those are the people that I'm kind of like how do you guys want to handle it because you are the guys who are you know dealing with this the most um they i feel like if he like had talked to any of them as like a regular person this would be like a very different situation but i don't think there's been one single conversation with cameras off like ever i think they've kind of said to him before like do you want to talk about this like we can go like you know just hash this out whatever and that's never happened everything's been on camera all the time and i think you get the impression that he's never the type who will

like concede or take an l or even a perceived L or anything that the internet won't like, you know, like. So in that sense, I don't think like if someone was fucking with me and never and there was never a conversation off camera being like, hey, I took a little too far or like, oh, I was just doing this for content or whatever. And then and then Dave threw this on my table. I'd be like, I don't know why, why am I going to have, why do I have to like worry about his life and, and care for him when he came in here and showed zero of that towards me? Like you, if you work, it's also one thing if you come into a place and you're like, you're fucking with people, But when you're like, you don't work hard. You are not here enough. You don't deserve your job. Like, you have no fucking idea what people's work schedules are, what they do. Coming in at like 8 o'clock, being like, nobody's here.

It's like, that's not, it's never been Barstool. At the Milton office, the Chicago office, the New York office. Working from home, like, never. But when you're like, trying to call out two people's boss and then rallying the internet around someone not deserving their job that's like very different than being like you're a loser your team always loses you know what i mean like yankees and and guardians if there's like beef about uh anything really other than your actual like living that you earn. You know what I mean?

I also think he's like kind of. That's a very different thing. Like changed Keegs's. Like Keegs is really like taking like the brunt of. That's what I mean. Like if I was Kelly I'd be like I now have to worry about his life. Yeah. When he came in and like really fucked up my.

Yeah. You know. And it's like it, it is just commenters and Reddit threads and feedback. And that is truly, when I say this, I really mean it, a very vocal minority.

But it's one that like gets at you. You know? It's like, they're so mean. And it's like, on the grand scale of things, people always say like, hey man,

it's only like a couple hundred commenters. Like, there's millions of Barstool fans. Correct. But when you get a couple hundred, like, tweets in a row that are saying something, it's like, this fucking sucks. Yeah. Like, multiple hundreds of people being like, fuck you. Like, that sucks. So that, you know, like, negatively affects her life.

I don't know. I really don't even know the origin of it. If she did something to, like, her life. I don't know. I really don't even know the origin of it. If she did something to deserve it, I don't know where that started. But it's like if you just roll in here, get a whole bunch of people saying that about me. Even for one second, have my boss consider. I don't think Dave takes any of this to heart. But what if he did? What if he was like, wait a minute.

Let me check. Let me start watching you with a close eye or like fucking up your life whatever it's like the if if that happened at a regular job you would the same people who are like loving this if someone showed up in their office and was like the office dickhead who was like hey boss like he's not working hard it would be like fuck that guy but because it's in this bubble of like entertainment everybody loves it and people forget that like there's also a very real side of it where those people are like uh and and then they sign up for it i get that kelly signed up for this game she knows that but she also then has every right to be like fuck you right back yeah and if this weird

wacky like everybody loves the content and then then Dave throws down this ultimate content gauntlet, and now it's too much. Oh, and now, hey, there's real-life implications. Well, there was real-life implications before that. You just didn't like them. It was going against someone who you don't like on the internet, so you were all for it. Now, the guy that you like is up against something that Dave comes up with for content, and now it's too far. I don't know that, that doesn't seem like, you know, that does not seem very fair.

I will say like, I do, I get in, I respect like, and I not respect, but like the fact that that's what does numbers for him. And like right now, I feel like him being new,

like you have to follow the numbers for a little bit. Use it as like a crutch, get your sea legs. If he continues to do this, like annoying and like cheap and whatever. Yeah. I mean, if there is a career for this, like if, you know, you can't begrudge anybody for if they make it, you know what I mean? If he can make like tons of money and get tons of views and tons of sponsors

by somehow doing, doing this, like that's the game, bro. I don't, I don't think it should last, but I think like, I'm more saying like,

if he somehow uses it, like, like he has our attention, I'll say it. Like he has our attention. And if he springboards or whatever, he like is like, okay,

now that I have your attention and then starts like being a better person and making better content, like whatever, then I'll respect it. Cause it's like, okay, you got to play the game for a little bit and then you got, then you got to do your own thing.

You can't like do that the whole time. It is like, it's absolutely a hundred percent show business and Hollywood. And those, you know, when you hear stories in that, in that realm of people being like cutthroat and not being considerate and all that, it's like that's just how this industry works.

The internet is now, like, the new version of that. So if he, like, doesn't make friends but does make a big career out of it, like, that is the game. Once Dave says something like you are boring on camera, it's pretty hard to come back from. Even if the people disagree, once Dave, like, thinks that about you, like, that's Dave's opinion, it's going hard to come back from yeah even if even if the people disagree once dave like thinks that about you like that's dave's opinion it's gonna be tough yeah so i only say that like to give him the benefit of the doubt i don't i don't appreciate the way he's done it so far yeah but but you know it's like unfortunately that does not matter like you know doing it now

if you also want to be friends with people here if you have friends at the company you shouldn't do this if you want to be like i'm not here to be friends i'm here to be productive and make money and get views and be famous and and all that then like you have every right to do so but just don't expect like some some grace from the same people you're fucking with i mean it's crazy it's like it's like walking into a room slapping someone in the face and they punch you back and it's like whoa whoa all i did was slap you you punched me it's crazy. It's like walking into a room, slapping someone in the face, and they punch you back. And it's like, whoa, whoa. All I did was slap you. You punched me. It's like, what? No. You came in here. There are consequences to your actions. That, to me, is crazy to just draw the line randomly. Shit got crazy and spiraled out of control for the five millionth time here.

What are we talking about? This has happened many, many times before in different forms. So we'll see. So what do you think is going to happen? I think once he went on the rundown and said, like, I'm okay with this. I don't really care. I think people will probably vote him here then.

Yeah. I think if he... I do think people here – if he – if for one second – I guess I can only speak for myself. I really don't know what other people are thinking. If for one second I thought that he would turn around and be like, oh, my God. Thank you, guys. Like if he stayed in chicago i mean if we voted like you can keep keep everything keep your life if i thought for one second that he would be

like thank you like yeah i i got way out over my skis i didn't i never thought this was gonna happen like thank you guys for for taking that into account like I appreciate it. I would probably vote for him to stay in his life. But he has not shown any side of him that's able to be even slightly vulnerable or take an L

or be a real person. He will immediately turn around and go like, you pussies couldn't even do it. So, you know, it's like that makes me lean towards voting to send him here. But then also it's like I don't view it as like ruining his life when I said like you get to move to New York and get a pay raise. What are we talking about here?

Yeah. And we've already shown if he goes to Chicago, he doesn't get any traction. He doesn't get any attention. He's making less money. and it's colder there well he gets he gets a pay raise because cost of living is higher i i that's dave said we will make sure you do not lose anything financially because of this i don't know what that means yeah because you could turn around and be like my apartment's five thousand dollars a month now and dave could be like well we're not paying for that but if it's like here's what my apartment was in,

in Chicago and a comparable thing is that much here. Yeah. I think Dave would, would maybe do that, but that could be a big leap, you know? And then it's like, what if he gets a different,

what if he goes and finds a deal? What if he lives with, you know, whatever. And then it's just like, he has more money. Like there's just, there's a lot of elements to it that are not as like,

you know, life. The term that's being thrown around is ruined life. It's like, oh my god, the dramatics. It's crazy. So it should be interesting though. We'll see. We'll see. I think there's also people who are at the heart of it and then there are people on the outskirts of it, whether that means that they'll be like, I don't really like the guy. I don't want him around.

So I'm going to try to keep him out of here. Or if they're like, I don't care. I'll vote. However, the people, I think the office tends like the New York office is tight. I think they're actually friends.

And I think they tend to be like, they'll go to the people who are affected by this most and be like, what do you want? That would be my guess. Yeah. So we'll see how that plays out. I think it's going to be early next week. But definitely interesting. I like it. Never to be early next week. But definitely interesting.

I like it. Never a dull day, man. Barstool Sports is the greatest running reality show I think of all time. Yeah. I mean, well, I don't know. There's some really, really big ones obviously on TV. I'm so like keep Barstool. Don't let it go soft. Yeah yeah yeah like i like that this is like

yeah yeah well that's also there is an element what tate is doing is kind of what like we used to do but it was real and there was like actual yeah reasons for it even if they were silly even if it was like dave is boston and i'm new y, and he's the Patriots, and I'm the Jets, and, you know, he wins, and I lose, and I have the family, and he's out partying, all that shit, there was just, like, these rivalries with me and him, and other people, and, like, we would go at it, and it was real, but it was organic, and he definitely, I mean, he just definitely comes from that time, if you listen to him talk, and my big brain – credit to my big brain. Credit to me for this and that.

It's like it's just literally plucked from like the Dave Portnoy vocabulary and playbook. And it's from a time where all that stuff went on but it was organic and it was real and it's just tough when it's like you're new here and you don't have any shows, you don't make any money, like that kind of stuff. If it was like when the boss does it to you and says like you're not working hard or you don't show up when Dave comes through and like tears everyone a new asshole, it kind of means more. When it's this, it's like – You can tell it's like not authentic. Right.

It's just like why do you – you don't know these people. Like why would you care about these people? What is – the only reason is because it garners a reaction, and that is when I think you run into trouble. When you do something strictly for the reaction, of course that always plays into it. Like if you're doing something and it doesn't garner a reaction, it's like if a tree falls in the woods, like don't do that content anymore. Nobody cares. You want it to work. You want people to like it, but it also has to be like real because otherwise let's just start

manufacturing all of our content. You know what I mean? At that, at that point you kind of turn into everything that we, we always were against. So in one way it's like the old barstool and the other way it's kind of the opposite of the old barstool cause it's not very organic, but I don't know.

I guess I can't say that cause it did just unfold the way it did. Uh, I think there is a part of him that like did it and once he saw the reaction was like i'm gonna do this more as opposed to like i'm doing this whether or not the internet is on my side or i get you know tweets or whatever but um so i don't know i mean i i it doesn't really affect me one way or the other so it's more for the people who are like in the the trenches with him um but it will be interesting it'll be it's always good theater i would say aside from like the really

really really popular reality shows because even those have now we now know that they're kind of fake and fabricated like this place is still really pretty true to itself where it's just like it happens if it happens it doesn't if it doesn't but when it does happen it's like fact is stranger than fiction you know everyone says the new survivor is going to be like just as like even more crazy than the last survivor and it's like you just get these people in a room together and and let them go and it really is that dramatic like every single time no i love it i love working here it's so fun yeah you say that until you're in the crosshairs. Oh, yeah. That's so true. This sucks so much.

Okay, wait. I actually take that back. Alright, let's get to some voicemails. We got Peyton producing for us today, so she's going to play us our voicemails. Today's voicemails are brought to you by Green Lumber. We got the daily offense supplements you need here that has all of the vitamin A,

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temperature and instead she'll give me the forecast from seven towns over and i'll say thank you queen you've done enough you get some rest and i will actually say those things to my siri because i care about growing and nurturing our relationship in hopes that one day when AI becomes sentient and takes over the world, I will be granted mercy for the kindness that I've shown. The next minute, I'll ask Alexa to play a semi-niche song from an artist whose name is just a little hard to pronounce, and she won't even come close. And in turn, I will verbally berate her. I will spew the most unfiltered hate that you've ever heard. I will humiliate her. And I just think that there is such an interesting juxtaposition between my trying to get in the good graces of AI and my

occasionally accidentally calling my Alexa a worthless tramp. Do you guys fall anywhere on that spectrum, or is that just a tightrope that I walk? Yo, Glenn's fucking crazy, bro. He's electric. I don't use either of those things. I don't really use Siri that much. But I do, okay. Well, I mean, I always go into whatever.

But I do think I seriously try and be nice to Siri because, like, she's, like, if you think of Westworld. For real? That runs through your mind? Because she's taking in all the data. All right. Right now. If you're mean, like, that's data.

And if for some reason they do, like, adapt to become, like, human-like and have, like, emotions and whatever, they have that data. And I don't, I just don't want, I don and whatever they have that data and i don't i just don't want i don't even want to test it i don't want that to use your alexa who uses that i i thought i was like maybe i'm too old for it but i also feel like younger people don't i actually think it's like it is an older thing i don't know not old mic by the way not like like old people but i feel like like i feel like um like i'm i'm doing the renovation in my house and when it's done i want it to be like smart house like where i can just walk in a room and be like turn on the air conditioner and it

does it but if i was like just like a kid living in my apartment i don't think i'd have like siri or alexa linked up when i was was driving, when I was in LA, I was using it more because I was driving. Talk to text sort of thing. Talk to text or Siri play this. I certainly have never considered their opinions of me. So maybe I'm dead when the revolution comes. Oh my God.

Oh, because I guess we said Siri. I was like, yeah, it's 30. Okay. It was just... It's attacking. It found out. I just want to be Siri. I don't even have Siri turned on.

I think it's weird that they're chicks. How come there's no guy? I think that you're more willing... The patriarchy? Maybe it's like, yeah, like... Internal misogyny? Internal misogyny. Of service to you?

Internalized misogyny. There's no way that a man can be a servant. That's so true. The next one should be... You don't ask a man to do something for you. Yeah. Jeffogyny. There's no way that a man could be a servant. That's so true. The next one should be Jeff. You don't ask a man to do something for you. Yeah, I agree with that.

He'd be like, I'm too busy. I can't. Do it yourself, bitch. Maybe it's more of like a war. I don't know. That's kind of a good point. I do definitely,

if they have like a British accent, I just feel like I don't even want to bother them. They're better than you. They're better than me. I don't even want to ask. But I feel like they would do a better job.

If I asked somebody to do something and they had a British accent, I'd be like they're gonna get that shit done they're smart they're like they're sophisticated they're yeah you know if i was like you know if i asked uh ai something and they were like yeah i gotcha i'd be like i don't know if you're gonna do that but if they're like ah sir i will i will finish the test by the end of the day. I'd be like, okay, you got me. Guys with British accents, they like really, I'm over them. They think that they're like, it gets in their head. It's a little too automatic where it's just like accents are hot. So then they know it and it's like, well. And once you know, like it's hot for the first few weeks, then it's over.

Then it's over. It's like the tape thing. It's going to run its course. Yeah, it's going to run its course. Exactly. Now Australian, on the other hand. Actually, fantastic point. Because I think Australian accent comes with this persona.

Yeah, they're like outdoorsy. Yeah, I think you're like a surfer and an outdoorsman, and you can kill a snake with your bare hands, and you can build a fucking cabin in the outback or some shit. Whereas British, I kind of think you're smart, but you're a nerd australian you're like chris hemsworth you're like yeah and they're funny wait what do you think is like the funniest because like the funniest country the funniest country because like i guess we would really know to say things here i know but like we also we only know english like we i haven't ever heard

and even if i could understand like spanish like i you don't like know enough to know humor you know how does like you kind of have to be a speaker to really yeah so like maybe like in africa they're fucking hilarious a lot of black people a lot of black people exactly but i i only know i only know like black like americans like african americans to be funny i don't know about african africans okay but you know it's like it's like growing up like having a rough childhood like makes you funnier yeah so like third world countries they might be the funniest people in the world we don't know because we don't speak their language we'll never we'll never understand jokes in like swahili i think i looked it up and i think it said australians

are the funniest but it's like how do you know see but this is what i mean that's all that's all part of their persona i actually think australians are recently are kind of like big pussies i feel like australia has been like the most like uh taking away freedoms and shit like that but i don't really know i'm on a very specific tiktok with a lot of australians that's the other thing is like we don't know anything about these countries other than like one or two influencers from said country yeah some representatives they've been what about like what is what's what's a what's a like a german accent you're out on right yeah very hitler very very european eastern european scary it's scary what about like irish doesn't really do it for me really yeah see i

think irish has a good a good uh reputation as well I think if you meet a guy with an Irish accent, you're thinking he's like a guy's guy. He's in the pub. He can bust balls. You're going to have good rapport. Agreed. That's how I feel about Scottish. I feel like Scottish, it's like, okay.

I think those two are pretty close. There's a slight difference. The Irish is kind of like, I don't know. It's like, I can't do it. No, but what do you think it is? I just think it's a little like too funny of an accent. Scottish feels a little bit less. No, but I'm talking about the person.

If I gave you the choice of like an Irish guy. Lad's lad. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Like he's a lad. And that is what I like. But I'm saying the accent itself makes me like, like an irish guy lad's lad yeah like that's a good way to put it like he's a lad like and that's that is what i like but i'm saying the accent itself makes me like i would have to i would eventually probably like he's a person i'd have to get over the accent because it just sounds a little funny to me sorry but scottish all good so it's just like you're towing the line but like

you're fine i would actually think it's the opposite i think scottish is where it gets too silly i get them maybe i'm even getting them confused. I don't really know. You don't even know. I don't even really know. I don't know what I'm saying ever. It is interesting, though, that a Russian accent would never do it for you. Spanish, though, has got to be up there, right? Like a Spanish guy? Yeah.

That's got to be number one. But also, like French, too. I could see that, but I just know I'm not. French is like you're going to get a romantic vibe, but you're also gonna get like a um condescending like yeah yeah like that's the thing i don't think i could ever like keep up with the french guy like i i'm i'm an american boy all the way i don't think i have like the the class that's what i mean not all french people are classy yeah they are no they're not they're just perceived that way they just act that way and it's like actually fuck you actually there's a french guy who hit on me the other day he still got it hey let's go girl so yeah what'd you do about it? Just was awkward I'm so awkward

We gotta like send a Camera crew out with you or something Just watch you be awkward This is why we gotta get you on Love Island Love Island would be so fucking Love Island with Jackie would be incredible I actually thought that was gonna happen When we got in contact

With the person and you did the interview I was like this is going to happen There's no way they say no to this bitch I can't believe they did I think I was too I was coming off too sound of mind Yeah you That was my issue

I'm going to produce your next Audition Yeah I know We're going to dress you up audition. Yeah, I know. Well, I just want to be like – We're going to dress you up like a slut and make you look crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then boom, you got it. Well, I already dressed up like a slut.

I did that. It's just like they even said – because they asked me in the interview. They were like, oh, so what's your favorite part about yourself? And I was like so – I was too humble. They ended up telling me at the end kind of because I was like, ah, I don't know. People say they like my eyes. Oh, Jackie. No wonder you didn't get it. And I was like so I was too humble They ended up telling me At the end kind of Because I was like Ah like I don't know Like people say

They like my ass Oh Jackie Yeah no wonder You didn't get it And then he said He said at the end He was like That was really great

But just so you know For the record Like if you make it To the next round Don't say Like say you know this Like don't try to be humble You gotta be like

Like yeah I'm the baddest bitch In the world I'm a savage in bed Yeah yeah yeah I give good head Yeah Like come on You're not interviewing for a job yeah

you're interviewing to be like a ridiculous like asshole on reality tv gotta give ridiculous asshole answer i know i know there was something else i said fuck yeah but you can now i mean you have trouble with your family with this you could never be on the violent i know i can never i know that's the things you talk you talk you're all talking thinking about you guys seeing me even flirting i actually as much as i say like i wouldn't watch a single episode no yeah i want you on there but i would just not watch that season i would never be able to do that i'd still get my head like what if there's clips what if you accidentally see a clip because like you know the the like dancing if jackie was in soul ties i would that i can't believe that they show they show sex pretty much you're talking about this one this one the other day

yeah it's just like yeah they and it's only gonna get worse wait i want to get on so bad not actually though i'm all talk you're so right you're all talk yeah but i don't know i don't know you're a little bit of action like the fact that you're even here did the helmet thing you're you're a little bit i think i think a dreading little kick and i pulled together and like it would be fine but i'd be i would i don't know how people go on those shows and like make out and fucking yeah in front well i think even worse than that is like like people seeing your game like seeing you or seeing you be cutesy yeah well also i think point blank i think that flirting is embarrassing like i even like that's what like i'm single because i think it's like literally so we're

doing yeah like ridiculous to be like oh my god like you're so cute that like that makes me cringe so it's like having to do that and turn it on it would be really good practice for me like that would be great exercise i would physically be sick to my stomach but if you were the girl who can't flirt that would be a good thing for love island yeah but i don't know they would have a montage of you just being like super awkward but then it would be a guy who was like i find that cute and then you guys i don't know if there's time for that like i like i think like it would like the girls who go like it's like if you're in a friend group of girls who are all go-getters like you're always gonna be the single one because like if you like there's no one left

because it's like they're gonna go take it survival of the fittest survival of the fittest and like they don't they don't wait for you to like show your personality it's like they're gonna go take it survival of the fittest survival of the fittest they don't they don't wait for you to like show your personality it's like they go for what's gonna show what's gonna go to them i think there'll be one guy and it'll be true love i actually really do believe that you can find true love on that oh my god you should i they literally don't want me i've like tried no what now like the girls Went like Now we have like An in in I think where If Fran and Rio Were like yo

We have a really Good recommendation I think they would At least take it A little more seriously If you didn't blow Your audition again Yeah I know

And then when I Blew the audition I was like That sucks That's probably My only chance Because I'll probably Get a boyfriend

And like I'll probably End up marrying him It's like two years later So So That's good I did get a boyfriend and like i'll probably end up marrying him it's like two years later so so that's good i did get a boyfriend right i'll be a mom soon so yeah oh my god the fact that you even think that way is so disgusting that's kind of true like it's the patriarchy again it's that internalized misogyny you shouldn't even get in another relationship until you're 30. No. And I'm dead serious about that.

Okay, you know the whole, like, psychological thing about, like, if you could go back in time or whatever and would you kill Hitler as a baby? And I was thinking about that, and I'm like, what would happen, though, if you did, if that would change the future so you know all that world war ii doesn't happen basically but then also your reason for even going back in the past doesn't happen so would that change the timeline so that while you're in the past, you either are just completely out of the timeline, or you suddenly forget why you just killed a baby, and then it's just, like, 1906 or however the fuck old that dude was, and you're just, like, you're standing there with, like, a futuristic weapon that you just killed a baby with, and you have no reason in your head as to why you would have done that. Or what the device in your hand is.

Or would you remember all that stuff and then you're just at an alternate timeline? These are the problems with time travel. Yeah. This is why we don't know, Jackie. But I think that you assume that you would know. You assume, but why would... The idea is always that it's kind of like time is like circular and not straight.

So it's like if you do go back and do it, there's no guarantee that you would know those things from the past because that never happens because it's all just kind of a circle do you we're just all making up the rules because no one fucking knows do you ever have this this makes me feel like psychic is sometimes i'll see somebody who i don't know and i'll think it's one person and then i'll be like wait that wasn't that person like who i know like if it's like a brad i'll be like oh that looks like brad and then i'm like wait that's not brad and then like be like oh that looks like brad and then i'm like

wait that's not brad and then like a minute later i'll see brad i'll be like that's crazy that i was just thinking about brad that happens to me all the time really and i know and i know i say shit like that all the time like what like you're manifesting it again you're thinking about brads or but that makes me think that like like time is just a loop. Like it's like some part of me knew that I was about to see Brad. Could be. How often does that happen to you? Honestly, all the fucking time. So you see someone in the street and you're like, I know that person.

That's X, Y, Z. It happens to me. And then you're like, oh, wait, no, it's not. And then like you turn the corner and that person appears. That's happened to you more than once. Because then I would be like i'm magical i will say granite this happened mostly in college when i was oh you're like walking on the same campus and like all white guys look the same so it's kind of like or like all like everybody looks i was walking by this guy's dorm and he showed up every time i'm magic but like like granted, it'd be like also like a guy who I was already thinking about 24 sevens.

It's like, probably that's it. It's still, for it to have happened, like. So you're thinking about a guy 24 seven, you're probably walking around his classes and his dorm room stalking him.

And you see a guy who looks like him and you think it's him and you're like, no, that wasn't him. But then you do see him try and travel. No. Okay.

But I'm also like, that's just, that's giving me like the benefit of the doubt. Am I, but I'm also like, that's giving me the benefit of the doubt. Am I in frame? Okay, cool. That's giving me the benefit of the doubt. But I actually, like, I dump it. It actually happens a lot, I will say. Outside of your college campus?

Yes, yes. That's happened in New York City. Definitely less than when it happened on my college campus. And lest we not forget the Lego situation situation the lego lest we not forget yeah the lego situation is very true the legos thing was fucking crazy that was crazy repeat that for the people who don't know okay so i okay a day started and like for some reason every time we not forget every time i had a thought so i was like i it it started, I was like, oh, I have to ask Joe for this. Joe, the equipment guy, for this. And right as I said that in my head, like I saw like Joe's coffee or whatever.

I was like, weird. Okay, whatever. And then something else happened where I thought, oh, then I thought like Chris Castellani came in. And in and i was like wait he looks like a guy from high school and right as i said high school in my head he said like in high school or whatever and then i was like weird i'm two for two and then the third thing happened i forget what it was and i was in it was like right as i said it like i saw it and i was like so i was telling paths and nick like whatever i was like i i think i'm having like a psychic day or whatever and they're like you're fucking crazy and i was like okay watch like i'm gonna like or i said something like

or i was like i'm i'm like a witch today or something and i was like and they're like they're like okay make something appear like in the world and i was like okay if i see a lego today like a lego figurine then we know i'm psychic or whatever and they're like okay like find us a lego figurine so i go the whole day i'm like not going out of my way like at all to to um get like get legos i see somebody like walking with a lego bag and i was like okay that doesn't count like because i'm kind of near the lego store and like i see people carrying around lego bags okay okay so you were pretty fair about it so then i i thought in my head if somebody puts a lego lego figurine physically in my hand then i'll know i'm psychic so then my friend ends up like

last minute coming over and like she brings a bag and she and i was like hey can i have some chapstick and she like was like searching her for chapstick she couldn't find chapstick so she was joking she's put a lego figurine in my hand and i literally look up at her i go no you didn't just fucking do that and she was like oh ha, yeah, like, funny joke, I guess. Like, no, you don't understand! And then I texted them. She must have been like, what? Yeah, I was like, you don't understand! And then I texted Pabst and Nick, and they were like, that's actually pretty weird. You kind of, you got to say.

See, that's probably, like, I think that's more like a ghost. Yeah. Like, a ghost is, like, making that happen. But it was so, like, it was so weird that a Lego figurine popped in my head. Like, I don't know. I don't know, you guys. that happen but it was so like i it was so weird that a lego figurine popped in my head like yeah i don't know i don't know you guys again i i hide me from the salem witch trial people because yeah they would burn your ass they would burn my they would drown you real fucking quick and i deserve it i i really think i am much well let's use some of your witch powers yeah i don't know how to use

it for like anything but just get on tiktok be like, I'm a witch and fucking prove that shit. Okay, what do you want me to do? I don't know. Let me try and do something witchy. Fucking witch it up, bitch. Peyton, do you have any witchy ideas? She wants it far from this. It's dark in here.

Okay, I'm going to try to make... What do you think of her? She's fucking nuts. I can't believe it. Okay, Peyton, you're not in your own way so it's not you know there's a witch nuts is like okay i'm gonna like i have to i want i feel like i have to like prove myself so let me i will try and make what's something that i can try and make happen like this is such a bizarre concept i can't even like conjure something okay like if dave brings up hershey kiss within the next no that's weird i don't do that one

it's got to be something it's gonna be something well i don't know how to prove your wish you don't know what i don't i don't know what you're capable of no if um imagine if they just brought up hershey kisses i would fucking within the next six months then we know that's a long time set a reminder for six months from now and we'll see if Dave has spoken about Hershey Kisses at all I don't know I'll think about it and all

alright Jackie's a witch Feidelberg will be back next episode and let's get into our interview with Heather McMahon Game Time is the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. We had a bunch of guys go to the NLCS to see my beloved Mets. They got tickets to go through GameTime. Kelly was like 10 rows from Taylor Swift because of GameTime. The best tickets available at the best prices on the easiest app to use.

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That's what they're talking about so that that's just like that the government has ufos and and they are hiding it from us let me let me get this up that's tied to this thing this thing that i saw on tick tock that these this alien showed up somewhere i like miami yeah in miami so that was a while ago that was like well i'm just hearing about it yeah yeah and i'm stressed fuck out well we talk about the mall the mall yeah the mall it wasn't no my fucking aliens at the mall haven't you seen fitz fitzy's video there's this guy named fitz he was at the bayside mall are we good jack where he's got his he's fits yeah uh the fbi showed up complicated confiscated everybody's phones not his and he's got the videos uh it's proof john it's they're they're like 12 feet tall and they're like long black figures yeah um so so that's the

end of the story that's it the video is grainy it's definitely does not look real but a woman on tiktok definitely said that she took the um you know uh the address of where this happened, flipped it around, and it's the exact address of Antarctica. So I'm just saying. I'm just saying. You know how I feel about Antarctica. You know how we feel about Antarctica. You know what goes on in Antarctica, bro.

So this is the night where all those cops were there. Yes. And so they've all just shut up for the last year. That's what doesn't make sense to me. I just found out about this last night. There's a whistleblower. That's why. There's another whistleblower. Not Fitz. No. No, Fitz is just that dude. That's what doesn't make sense to me. I just found out about this last year. There's a whistleblower. Oh. That's why. There's another whistleblower.

Not Fitz. No. No, Fitz is just that dude. He's got the footage. But wouldn't a whistleblower be like any of the 300 cops who are there who make like 60 grand a year and could make a lot of money?

Great point. I don't think they saw it. I think all those guys showed up and it was too late. Fitz, he already had the shit. They're calling it the Immaculate constellation and it's it's basically the same thing as the last whistleblower where it's just like we got motherfucking ufos yeah we got shit from outer space and they're using it to try to learn how to make them ourselves but you know how

many whistleblowers before you believe it john how many whistleblowers does it take i'm so glad that you're dialed into this because i thought I was the only one. No. You believe in this shit? Fuck yeah, I do. He doesn't believe in anything. I believe in it. Really? I just don't care about it. Oh, no.

I'm fully dialed in. I love the aliens. I'm ready to start chit-chatting with them. This would be my thing. Michael Schellenberger is a legit journalist who really would not fuck around putting out dumb shit if he really didn't think there was something to it. And he's just talking to people who work in these fields. And yeah, I mean, I guess there could be people who just lie all the time.

That could happen. But a lot of details about a lot of weird shit. I was on Audio Crack yesterday, which is our local loony podcast. We have a guy who's a total. And we were talking about different aliens um but and and billy kind of had the same thing and excuse me i explained that like i just think of aliens like deep sea creatures where it's like i don't know it seems like it's there that's cool doesn't seem to be fucking with me i'm not fucking with it but i'll go our own way

i kind of believe that the aliens are in started in the ocean and then they went up and then they came back down and they kind of go back and forth okay i really definitely i saw this thing that there's like a alien space station off some sort of cliff in malibu like i'm really into this i really believe there's some shit going on in antarctica oh there's just weird rules about antarctica you're like not allowed to go there there's weird rules and the game of thrones connection i'm just saying with the ice wall. You don't know about the ice wall. Now, I'm not a flat earther. I definitely don't believe in that.

Well, I would hope. Yeah, I'm not a flat earther or any of that. But there's something about this ice wall. And if you get on deep Antarctica TikTok, you can't go past the ice wall. There's something fucking going on. And I told my husband, I was like, all I want to do for Christmas is go on one of those Antarctica cruises. I want to be kayaking. I want to get down there.

I want to get eyes on it. I am so, I'm such a rich white woman and I'm bored. So I want to go to Antarctica and find the critters. Oh God. How you been? We were just talking about Lucy's. Throwing in a lip with Lucy.

And you said that your husband would not allow you to do so. Yes. But I love a vacation seg when I'm in Italy. It doesn't count. You know what I mean? And you're in Italy like 25 times a year. Exactly.

Oh, I love a long capri. Oh, yeah. That's just me. Class of Pinot Grigio. He came back from Italy with like a case of those ones. The best. I'm going to pull it up. I love this picture.

Every time I go to Europe at the duty-free, I just buy a bunch of – And I look right at the dead baby on the box and I go – No, that's the problem. The guy with the thing and the little tube in the throat. The lungs are just black. I don't know how I'm going to find this. These look cool. This is more important.

I'm going to find it. I don't know how I'm going to, but they put those pictures on it. Right. And Kevin just referenced a dead baby which that is true there is a dead baby on one well it's actually a baby's coffin that's the one but this one is just a baby smoking a cigarette and he looks like the most badass baby you've ever seen like it's just it just makes the baby and the cigarette smoking more appealing yeah because the baby in the coffin's already confusing. Was it because the mother was smoking during her pregnancy?

Or because the baby was a badass and was smoking? The baby was the coolest kid in daycare. Yeah. Have you ever seen that big fat Asian kid who's probably like nine? And chain smokes? Yes. Outside the factory? Yes. Yes.

Outside the sheen factory or the teemu factory? He's so puffy. He's the man. The man. the man is the man yeah like he's got so much swagger he's i kind of feel like maybe in a previous life like i totally believe in reincarnation i probably was that baby or that's my future i was gonna say i'll be running a factory you know maybe he's gonna be you you're gonna be him uh we're gonna be making a ton of fucking money and we're just gonna be chain smoking outside the team factory and that is my dream I saw a video the other day from outside Timu, Sheehan one of those factories

it was one of the bleakest things I've ever seen in my life and not in the like not a kid smoking cigarettes it was just like a bunch of Chinese women walking on treadmills with a green screen behind them wait I saw that okay but here's the thing like they were like selling them so they would change dresses and but they had a green

screen of like a runway behind them but they were just like it looked like they were in like gaza ukraine like it was it was destructed around them by making like a penny but i actually okay in all fairness and i'm sure that there are it's horrible okay, hear me out. This is a new wave of how these gals are making a ton of money. So on the other side of it, when I, I always go to these specific outlets in Italy and that's where I buy all my designer goods. I was gonna go to the Fendi store one day

and they were like, oh, hold on, you gotta give us 20 more minutes. We have our sellers in here. When I say there was 10 Asian gals in the store, they had 65 different little tripods up and they were just selling shit so quick. They were like, these women will come in the store they had 65 different um you know little tripods up and they were just selling shit so quick they're like these women will come in the store and literally sell millions of dollars worth of merch in like 25 minutes because there's they just go like this shirt this shirt this shirt

yeah and they're showing the bags but how is that jingles why does that work because like if you were buying something a half a second on camera wouldn't be enough for me i don't know but they're making so much fucking money but i know what you're talking about the women on the treadmills and they wear the outfits and they walk in the thing listen i get i keep getting pushed this uh pickled boiled shrimp on tiktok like it's like this woman is always doing a live selling pickled boiled shrimp and i'll watch it for like 25 minutes just be like i think i need to purchase this shrimp i'm an easy sell i'm the easiest person to sell to. If I was really selling products, I wouldn't spend a dime anywhere else. I would just spend on Instagram ads.

I get got on Instagram ads. All day. More like the hit rate is a thousand percent higher than anywhere else. Because I'm just like, it just, it fits into my feed and they target me well. And I'm like, boom, boom, every time. If there's a woman who looks like semi dead behind my eyes, and I know that if I buy this skort, it's going to change her life. I'm like, I'm doing, every time. If there's a woman who looks like semi-dead behind my eyes, and I know that if I buy this skort, it's gonna change her life,

I'm like, I'm doing it. You know what I mean? I'm doing it for them. It's not just about my over-consumerism. It's I'm helping them, okay? I'm a philanthropist. I actually, that's an interesting word choice, like over-consumerism,

because I just cleaned out my apartment. Yeah, how good does it feel? I'm on the opposite end now. I'm like, I'm never buying anything ever again. Like, I had five construction garbage bags of clothes and then I saved a whole nother wardrobe. So that wasn't even involved in that. I still have three closets full of stuff. And I was like, I was carrying these construction bags to Salvation Army, which luckily isn't far from my apartment.

But like they were ripping. So then I was like picking them up and carrying them like this. And I was like, I think I'm done buying things for a while The amount of money that I've spent on home organizers To come organize closets of shit That I know I don't need Here's the thing though I will say y'all have it a lot easier If god forbid I were to show up in the same outfit

For two different things People would fucking you know throw me to the walls Y'all can wear the same fucking tux The same fucking suit it's bullshit Tux and suits Tux I wear the same one tux, the same fucking suit. It's bullshit. Tux and suits, tux I wear the same one. But suits, I buy a new suit for like every occasion. Really?

More or less. Yeah. All right. You know, that's not the norm. But yeah, no, I am the. Most guys got a black one, a blue one. Mix and match a tie and a shirt. It's a special occasion.

I said every. Like, yeah, if it's a cocktail party, I'll show up and whatever. But if it's a wedding or something like that, I'll buy a suit for it. That's why I started wearing like my uniform on tour i made like 10 different glitter suits and i was like i because that's what i have to think i'm like i'm going to work i need my uniform okay today will be hot pink tomorrow will be like navy because i couldn't do it i was like i if i do 100 shows i'm not buying that much shit like i'll lose my fucking mind yeah but jeff has it easy like when i started making money i never really started buying a bunch of shit i spend i overindulge on i mean i'll go to a restaurant and drop cash and that's also why i can't lose weight because my my hobbies is restaurants um but like or i'll go on

vacation so i don't really have anything to show for what i've got but i i don't i don't show better than buying like a thirty thousand dollar bag oh the fucking birkins bags the women who buy the birkins how do you who buy the Birkins. How do you feel about the Birkins? I mean, like, I wish I could have one. You wish you could have one? No, no, no. I would rather literally

go to Europe for like two months. Like, what are we talking about? Actually, that's like one week in a nice resort, but still. The way Mama's doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, come on now.

But I don't understand these women who have the $30,000 purse. One, you're going to get clubbed over the head. I mean, I feel, you know, I collect my jewelry most of the time. But I knew I was coming here000 purse. One, you're going to get clubbed over the head. I mean, I feel, you know, I collect my jewelry most of the time.

But I knew I was coming here, so I wanted to, you know, put on the family heirlooms. But I don't understand these women who have the $30,000 bag. That's the dumbest shit. I think the people who have those kind of bags are just people who don't have personal style. Because you're just like, oh, that's the fancy thing. That must be the nice thing. Find a different

bag and make it look cool. If you're an actually cooler, stylish person, you don't have that. Those are 30 grand retail? Retail. Wow.

And then they can resell for like 50K. But see, what I started doing is I call my little Asian kid who smokes cigarettes and I buy knockoff bags from him

to keep his business going. So that's what I do. You support small business. I like that. I support small businesses over child businesses. Okay. Once you're rich though yeah like aside from you saying all this to people right now yeah if I saw you with a bag I would always assume it's real because I'm like yeah she's got money these are the rich

stay richer the rich stay richer because I think oh yes I think I used to get his diamond earrings at Claire's cuz he's like I'm right and those I'm rich I don't need a diamond I'm ear. Honestly, that's smart. Did you see that? No. Tyrese went on The Breakfast Club. The fucking Breakfast Club. So messy, that Breakfast Club.

And he took off his bracelet. He had a tennis bracelet on. And he kind of threw it on the table and was like, does that look fake to you? And his point was that it is fake. But everyone was kind of like, that one kind of looks fake. Your neck's turning green on that one that one yeah it's a little fake so it's got to be a real good dupe but once they are like same thing with diamonds like what are you gonna pull out your paperwork and show how clear and cut and all that shit it's so stupid it's like unless it's a really bad fake if you have the money i think people will assume that it's real so buy the fake

buy the thing but i'm just a scammer and a scumbag other people once they have money would be like i'm just gonna buy the bag but to me it's like you can get away with it and save that 30 grand if you think that i've ever bought anything full price and you must not know me okay i'm telling you any gals that are listening go to the uh florence italy outlet malls okay this was 40 off product but it's But it's real. Can I be honest with you? It's kind of tarnished. The gold's changing colors.

It may not even be fucking real. I don't know. That's what I mean. How would you even know? I don't even know. So what is the point? And also, the day that you scrape that against something, it's just like, well, now it doesn't look perfect anyway,

but you're going to keep wearing it. So it's like, I don't know just i'll speak for the other side a little bit i don't like i just do i wear stuff for me so like i'm if i'm wearing something free feeling i just do it for me it doesn't give me like the confidence or whatever that like the real thing does so i'd rather buy like one of the real thing than like 10 fake ones because then i'm like well if it gives you the yeah if yeah If you're walking around going, do they think, do they know it's fake? Do they know it's fake? Then it's not worth it.

And also it's better to buy the real thing because then you hope that they have ethical practices in their factories. But I kind of want to support my boy, my eight-year-old boy. The child labor is something I've been grappling with for a while now. Really? I've discovered that my um cleaning person uh it's a cleaning man actually yeah but he brings his family and his kids clean my apartment and i don't know what to do i i want to fire him but i can't fire him because he needs they need the kids need to work yeah god that's a tough situation the money i mean they need the money i think you

just keep supporting yeah and maybe we we you know get some really nice christmas gifts maybe a nice christmas bonus you know what i mean i nice Christmas gifts. Maybe a nice Christmas bonus. You know what I mean? I always give the Christmas bonus. I've never gotten gifts. Maybe some gifts. Maybe find out the kids' birthdays. How young are we thinking the kids are?

Well, they're probably early teens. One is special needs. Okay. So is it maybe a situation where... I don't think I knew that part. Does a special needs kid hang out, like, on the couch while the other family works? I don't know what they do. The only reason I...

What you're going to do is you're going to set up cameras. While you're just sitting on the couch while the other family work i don't know what they do the only reason i while you're just sitting on the couch yeah like there's every possibility that they're sitting on my couch watching tv i don't know but like i would prefer that though right yeah yeah that'd be good yeah i would i would guess that that's probably the situation i've had cleaning people before too where they're like can i bring the kids it's like of course and they watch movies and just hang out because yeah listen child care is fucking expensive right Right, right, right. You know? Yeah. But they definitely help carry things out. I don't know what they're doing inside. Because I'm always out of the apartment when they come.

He knows where the key is. 10 o'clock at night, his person comes. Wait, what? Insanity. They'll come, like, at any hour. It's like, he's like, hey, I'm in the city Friday. Do you want me to come by? And I'll be like, yeah.

And I'll assume some idiotic thing, like he'll come during business hours. And then I'll get him. He's the biggest pushover ever. He just lets him come at, like, 10 o'clock at night. I am, too, though. business hours and then i'll he's the biggest pushover ever he just lets him come at like 10 o'clock i am too though sometimes he calls me he'll call me and just like to talk because he's like i'm just walking the streets right now while my cleaning lady's there i'm like it is 10 30 at night this is madness but then i'll just sit on the stoop across the street from my apartment and like wait for them to leave he also has no blinds in his windows so we can see right in it's a whole system wait so the kids are still showing up at 10 p.m what's that the kids are still showing up at 10 p.m it's not show it's it's later in the day but they'll get there at like seven and work till

like 10 all right listen clearly this parent is trying to do the best they can i'm gonna assume listen if i was walking out of the house didn't matter if it was ours or somebody else's and my kids aren't helping me carry some shit they'd get their ass kicked okay so i'm gonna assume that the kids are not helping and that just you know they can't afford child care at the moment and i think you get some nice gifts i think find out the kids ages get some nice gifts and a nice fat christmas bonus that's not the answer you wanted that no it is i don't think no no because it's not their fault no no by no. By the way, they also stink at their job. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well.

If I'm going to grade the kids on how the kids are cleaning my apartment, they're not doing a great job. Dude, I've had cleaning people who have insulted me, who've told me that, who've literally like run me over with their car three times. And they have, you know, it's intimate. They're in your shit. Yeah, yeah. And you're still like, yeah, just, it's fine.

Oh, yeah. They're like, oh, now this week it's going to be $1,000. You're like, I'll just hop in there and take it yeah here you go this is this has been like a two-year ongoing thing like i'm never gonna fire him it's just something fun to bring up occasionally when child labor's on the table listen my parents made me work though you know what i mean yeah i mean i had every job i was babysitting at what 10 or 11 or something like i was always hustling. I think I started dishes when I was like 13, 14.

But that was at my uncle's restaurant. So it's kind of cheating. But I think that was my first. Guys don't get to babysit. That's true. Yeah, that is very true. One, because it's weird. Two, because we'll burn the house down.

Yeah, y'all are terrible. Who's watching? Who? That's a good point. What's the worst job you've ever had? I was an accountant, and it was terrible yeah like but you know i was trying to think of like a it was a soul-sucking job um the only uh like i i my family owned a uh a coffee shop in manhattan in like in this like down in the subway subway. Okay. It was the E and the F train. And there was like a little kind of like vestibule, if you will. I don't know what the

word is, but there was like a cobbler and a little bodega. So there's, you get off the subway and then there's like a little area and then you go up, up, up to the street. So there's like a little bit of commerce down there. And we bought a coffee shop, which is like knowing my family now, like it was a radical move. Like we don't do that shit. We don't, we didn't have family businesses. We don't do those things.

But my dad was working in the building above it and it was for rent. And he was like, there's so much foot traffic there. Like we're going to do it. And it was not a bad idea. Cause eventually Dunkin' Donuts did put one in there. So it, but,

um, so that would be like 6. A.M. To 1. P.m. was the shift. And it was just a New York City commute where they would flood the place and be like, I want my bagel. I want my coffee. And also you're not getting any sunlight. Like you're in a dungeon under the subway all day.

And I'm getting subway air. Yeah. And they would all rush at the same time and have their order. And I was working with a couple other people who were good at it and knew the order and knew this. And I mean, the one story I've always told is one time I sliced my finger and just like bled everywhere. And I remember I, I was like trying to keep my thumb away and I like wrapped it up and

I literally handed it to the person and I said, don't worry. It didn't get any blood on it. And they said, can I please have another one? It really didn't get any blood on it. And they said, can I please have another one? It really didn't get any blood on it, but I understand your point. So I was like 15 going into the city, you know, like 5, 6 a.m., just getting beat by like, you know, New York commuters who were like, I need this in four seconds or I'm going to flip out on you. Right. And then it turned out the family friend that was the manager of the place was just stealing from us the whole time we were like it just doesn't make sense

there is a ton of people and you know what actually made a ton of money and it's funny because my dad was like the most profitable part was the ATM because the bitch couldn't steal the money there so it's like the ATM is making more than the coffee it's like well the coffee is being robbed

how'd you catch her? I don't know my dad and it was like, the ATM's making more than the coffee. It's like, well, the coffee is being robbed. How'd you catch her? I don't know. My dad, and it was like a lifelong friend, former neighbor, babysat sort of thing. Oh, fuck. I don't even really know the ATM part. I don't think I knew the stealing part. Yeah, she was just, you know, a lot of cash at that point still,

and she was just yoinking it. I'm too trusting. I'll get just absolutely rob-blind one day. Yeah. I am way too trusting and it was like you know it's the ultimate

don't mix friends with business because it was like it would be borderline you know if like you did it to me like really you know like

just like your your parents like close friend you know or it's like we have pictures of her like you know babysitting us

when we were babies and like right next door they would be in the pool like that kind of memory did you press babysitting us when we were babies yeah like right next door they would be in the pool like that kind of memory did you press charges um i don't know i actually now that i think about it i should get more details on it because it's kind of interesting in the same vein that we've been talking about i'm sure my parents were like just fuck you and go we're done i'm sure it's one of those things where it was like i'm sure the legal battle would have been as much as

the money she stole so um they just let the mold people down on the subway deal with it. They're like, here's your photo. Next time you see her, stab her. So that one was pretty shitty. That's as far as I go as far as it was physically demanding. The rest is all just office jobs and shit that sucked before I got to. But I think I'd rather do something physically demanding than mentally miserable. I mean, I don't know rather do something physically demanding than mentally miserable.

I mean, I don't know if I'm physically capable. But if you gave me the choice of as a young man starting out in working construction versus some of that just sit and get abused by middle management your whole life, I think give me the tools and let me go. Because of that, I don't think I've ever had a bad job. I've had jobs that I didn't like in the time, in the moment or anything like that. But I look back on them and I liked them. I did construction and landscaping and all that shit. But I've never had an office job. I've never done corporate America either.

I've never. I think I would have. I don't know. If this doesn't work out tomorrow, like if comedy ends tomorrow, I could never go and get a corporate job. Well, you definitely can't now. I have too much of an internet imprint. They'd be like, liability, huge liability. They wouldn't even get to that for me.

I wouldn't show up on time three days in a row. I'd be like, you guys start at eight? No. Fuck you, Bank of America. I'm out. No chance am I showing up here at eight o'clock to sit here and wait three hours for someone to give me something to do.

There's so much of that shit. What I was able to do is there was so much bullshit downtime where other people were doing FaceTime work just showing the boss that I'm fucking folding papers. I was blogging, and that's how I ended up getting this job. So I just utilized all that dumb bullshit downtime.

But everyone else was kind of looking down on me being like, you know, you're not going to go to that thing with the boss. Yeah. And you're like, and I was like, yeah, I'm over here.

Not the end goal. Yeah. Yeah. But I, but that, that, that type of shit is. So did you,

did you do comedy right out of the gate? I did comedy right out. Well, I was doing the comedy right out of the gate, but when I tell you I've had every survival job, one of the wildest jobs I had, I used to work at SoulCycle. I don't know if I've ever said this did i ever tell you guys this

soul cycle i like ran the soul cycle in west hollywood so i was in charge of dealing with all the celebrities and my first day on the job like i'm the biggest spice girls fan in the entire world that is my beatles that's my holy grail like the spice girls that they ever like which uh one uh well ginger yeah she was my favorite jerry right yeah that was my first concert in the fourth grade i was dressed up as her and she had just quit the band. But of course, little baby Heather was like, well, no, she's going to come to the Atlanta show because she knows I'm here.

And only the four girls came out and I was just hysterically crying. Dressed up as her, my dad was like, oh God, what the fuck are we going to do with you? But my first day on the job, I had to keep two of the Spice Girls away. Like one of the Spice Girls was coming out of a class and another one was coming in.

And my manager was like, Heather, they hate each each other right now so you have to like keep them separated and I was just like sobbing as like a 25 year old in the back like you know all your childhood dreams everything that you thought was a reality is no longer true anymore so that was terrible um but one of the wildest jobs I ever had I mean I just when I was living in LA doing comedy I was just doing all these survival jobs I I worked for a royal family and I legally can't say who or where they were from. You underrated. Genovia? Uh, yeah.

No. Think more, um, a drier climate, a drier climate. Okay. And it was the wildest experience of my life. Big, big, big, big, big money. Big, big money. Big money. Yep.

Salt and cheek type money. Exactly. And I didn't know anything. And I got poached from the job at SoulCycle. This guy was like, hey, you're really good talking to like, you know, celebrities or whatever. You want to get this job. Wait, so what is the actual job?

Manager or something? Yeah. I was kind of like a lead concierge, as they call it. So this royal family, there was a bunch of them. So there's like a billion princesses. You know, that's all you need to know. They would all come to Los Angeles for the summer summer and i was in charge of like you know renting their houses getting their cars shipped over you know doing everything you're calling

this a survival job this seems like a big time job but it was from the survival job where i was making 12 an hour and then they were like you're gonna make a lot of cash this summer like will you do this now of course i didn't understand like the morals and ethics behind like you know what like behead you or something yeah i didn't know. Well, literally, I wrap up this job. And then like two weeks later, there is there was a whole news brief about a bunch of these like their housekeepers climbing over the fences trying to escape. My family that I worked for was lovely, but it was a gnarly job. But one day I had to go to Disneyland with one of the guys and he was like the money

guy. So we're at Disneyland and he's got his wife there, his kids, six nannies, security guards, everything. Really nice. Everyone was always polite to me. So we're about to get on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. I'm like, of course, making sure the kids get on. And we have like a Disney liaison, right? We have one of the

guys. And the guy's like, no, no, no. I don't want the kids to come. I want you to come. So it's just me and this like money sultan guy on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and it's like going up and it's a water ride and I have on my little poncho and you know when you can just like feel somebody staring at you and so we're about to go over and

we're going over for the dip and I look over and he's just staring right at me with the biggest grin on his face like is this the best day of his life and I'm like I hope you're having fun and I rode rides with this guy never like dealt with the kids the wife was just like shopping the whole time at disneyland you got you just like a like he had the hots for you and probably but he was very polite doing a wet t-shirt yeah he really did

let's go on that one again yeah he just wanted to ride the rides with me didn't didn't do anything fresh what were the kids doing the kids were i mean they were little so they couldn't go on like the big roller coasters they were running around with the mom and the security guard and the nannies so at the end of the night we go into this frozen store and he's buying all the security guards and everybody you know memorabilia so he comes up to me he's like I want to buy you something

I said don't worry about it I don't have any children thank you so much I don't need any frozen memorabilia. I'm an adult. And he's like no I want to buy you something I was like okay whatever I'm standing outside just waiting for the night to wrap up he comes out he puts these frozen mini ears on me and he palms me like five grand cash he was like this is the best day ever and i was like thank you sir and i just put it in my pocket got in my car my shitty bmw that was like 10 years old and i called jeff i was like i don't know if I'm this man's bride but I had a really good day at Disneyland with this man I think I belong to him now I was like I'm pretty sure I've got to join a harem but

like he was really lovely yo that is crazy by the way Frozen wasn't that long ago was it no this was back in 20 2014 holy shit well I have a question. Jeff, what do you do? Because you say you just recently became the breadwinner. Yes. You're just getting five grand thrown at you, and you've been very famous for a very long time now. What's Papa Bear doing? What do you got going on over there?

Real estate deals. Real estate deals. Yes. All right. Okay. Which also sounds very fucking sketchy. Okay. I do real estate deals.

I'm also a pro-bull in Georgia. I do real estate deals. I sure am. We discussed this. So what Jeff does now is when I come home from my, you know, winnings from the road, I give him that. And he's like, all right, we're buying an apartment complex in like Wichita Falls, Kansas or wherever. Hell yeah, dude. We're buying him property.

We have a house in Oxford, Mississippi. You can rent it. It's an Airbnb looking directly at a camera if you want to come down to Ole Miss. So Big Daddy is making sure that we are buying property. And that's what Jeff you did say when we got married. I was like, just buy real estate. I don't need shit.

Buy real estate, let's go on trips. That's, let's do it. Like I'm a smart woman when it comes to that shit. I don't need gifts. I don't, we don't even do Christmas gifts. I'm like, what the fuck are we buying this year? What a woman. What a relationship.

It's so good. It's not my love language. I don't know if you know if you know your love languages but mine is just spend time with me you know what i mean tell me i look thin and spend time with me that's all i want to hear that's all i want to wait so how'd you get out it was only it was only like a little gig so they would come for like the month of august and so i would just work for the month of august make all my money for the year and then that was it and i did like two summers and they were really i only dealt with really fabulous people but then they were like

horror stories of other people but it was wild because they would come over God I don't know what the fuck I can and can't say I'm gonna get in so much trouble whatever

whatever yeah I've been vague enough so they would come over and they would never get on American Time so that was the thing because it's so hot over there that they just like

hang out in their homes they go out at night so then like if you ever you'll know what I'm talking about. If you ever in the month of August, drive down Cannon Drive, there's a giant Nespresso store there because, you know, they don't drink. So they just, it's like 6,000 kings and like princes outside the Nespresso store at 2 o'clock in the morning. And the Nespresso store would stay open for them because all they did is like drink coffee all day. Like open it back up. At night.

Yeah. They'd open it back up for them because all they did is like drink coffee all day like open it back at night yeah they'd open it back up for them but it was a tough job because they didn't understand like you know one of the wives would be like why can't i get a manicure at like five o'clock in the morning i was like it's la everyone's like we don't give a fuck who you are unless you're britney spears we're not fucking doing it yeah but that job taught me so much after that i was like i can find a yes in any situation and i think that's why i'm good at like hustling and like comedy and everything i'm like there's nothing that anybody could say to me a producer or director anybody could say to me that I haven't already heard from like one of these celebrities that I've waited on before you know what I mean I'm like I don't give a fuck that's huge yeah but it was a wild job and I

couldn't tell anybody and Jeff was like I don't understand who you're working for I was like Jeff I don't care if I gotta ride a couple rides I'll do it and I didn't tell my dad and I remember I called my dad and I told him he was like what, what are you doing? You've been really busy. Like what's going on? I was like, no dad, I think I can make my rent. Cause one year I worked at SoulCycle. I only made $8,000. And the way I stopped- Doing the celebrity shit? Doing the celebrity shit. But it was a, it was a part-time job. Like I wasn't, they paid you nothing. And I won $10,000 on a game show that year. So in total, I made $18,000. You need to write a book, bitch. I know, I know.

What game show? It was called celebrity name game and it was only on for like two seasons um and channel uh fuck i don't even remember maybe fox but basically you got teamed up with a celebrity and you did it was kind of like you play categories and all this shit yeah and you had to have random celebrity knowledge well i was funny enough full circle moment i was paired up with Scott Wolf. Remember Scott Wolf, Party of Five? And he helped me win $10,000. His wife ended up becoming a big fan. I was shooting a movie in Vancouver,

and she DM'd me, and she's like, hey, let's get together, come over for dinner. And I was like, oh my God, your husband's Scott Wolf. So when I met him, I was like, you helped me pay my rent one year, because you helped me win $10,000 on a game show. And now I see them all the time. They're the sweetest people ever.'s really cool yeah but i did he does

he obviously remembers yeah he was like oh my god i can't believe it because i mean i was like crying on the episode like i can afford to stay in la yeah it was amazing um but yeah i've lived a hundred lives yeah i really have like comedy is like your least interesting fucking no it really is i'm like okay great watch the special i don. I don't give a fuck. Like, whatever. I know I'm good at what I do. Come to the shows. I'm touring soon. Like, whatever.

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I'm like, no. No, but that's awesome. What the fuck? You're in a good spot. The best thing you want to be is someone who people think went to the Freak-Offs, but you did not go. That's a. What the fuck? You're in a good spot. The best thing you want to be is someone who people think went to the freak-offs, but you did not go. That's a sweet spot. I'm not that famous.

Also, absolutely not. Could you imagine you went to the freak-off? First of all, I'm going to tell you this right now. If you think that I would go to the freak-off, sell my soul to the devil, and I'd have to suck Meek Mill's dick and then also pay my agent 10%, you must not fucking know me.

I'm not also then having paying an attorney a publicist an agent and a manager if i gotta do the fucking dirty work okay at least come over and tickle me mills balls or some shit i'm not doing that well also now that i think about it like you're kind of a you're you're a younger person diddy's an older person yeah are they thinking are they there like were you there as a kid no i don't know it's just these these gals that follow me they're like heather you're in hollywood now you join the illuminati i'm like i've never even been invited to like a cool party i get invited to like sad comedy parties where it's like a taco tuesday and i'm surrounded by a bunch of male comedians who are like so depressed i'm like everyone's on so many like ssris no one

can even get a boner no No one's fucking at comedy parties. It's a jar of pills, but it's all beta blockers. Yes, everyone's on beta blockers. Everyone's on antidepressants. No one's gotten hard in 20 years. Like, no, I'm not invited to R&B freak offs. Not fucking happening.

I've been to Miami like twice. Like what the fuck are these people thinking? But that's an honor though To be like Is it or do people think I'm just kind of a whore I don't know if it's an honor Either way it's kind of cool But they're like we're just checking in Heather

We want to make sure that you're not going to be on one of those lists I'm like no No I was at Disney World What are you talking about Freak off that shit is child's play I leveled up man I leveled up I'm on the log flume What are you talking about? Freak off. That shit is child's play. Yeah. I leveled up, man. I leveled up.

I leveled up. I'm on the log flume. Yeah. It's a small world after all. Just innocently riding rides. No, I really, I was, I truly, I'm not naive, but I was so innocent. I just did my jobs and I never had like a sketchy situation. Everyone always treated me with respect.

But I do think, like I talked to other, that's another question that's another question i get people like oh have any other like comics ever been like really creepy i'm like no i'm 5 10 okay i've got broad shoulders do you think you're gonna a comic's gonna fuck with me backstage when i'm in a full glitter suit and i'm like putting on my diamonds like to go tell dick jokes they're like we're gonna let her fucking do her thing i'm out there smoking a capri fac FaceTiming with a little Chinese businessman. They're not going to fuck with me. Keep going. She runs shit.

And then I'm talking to the US space station down in Antarctica. I'm like, guys, I'm solving crimes. Leave me the fuck alone. Yeah. Oh, man. When are we going to Antarctica? Do y'all want to do this trip yeah i'll do this i'm in i don't think we can though that's the problem all the cool parts

of antarctica are like you're not allowed to go you think your little cruise is gonna get to the fucking you know deep uh deep like bases we'll call some people i feel like i can't get invited to a freak off i can't get invited to like a sex party but i do think i can get invited to a freak off. I can't get invited to a sex party, but I do think I can get invited to Antarctica to see some shit. You know what I mean? I will figure it out. I would definitely go to that. I don't think I would find anything,

but I would for sure. Would you go to space? I'd love to go to space. If you got offered. Jeff and I are absolutely against it. He has no desire to go to space. But see, I have no desire to go scuba diving. And I'm not scared of the ocean,

but I just, I swim, I surf, do all that. It's a very similar thing. I don't need to go deep, but I want to go to space but see i have no desire to go scuba diving and i'm not scared of the ocean but i just i swim i surfed all that but i don't similar thing i don't need to go deep but i want to go up i i have a friend who can't swim and uh we make fun of him relentlessly for like the last 30 years and his line was always why would i want to hang out in something i can't breathe in right but then also was like i'd love to go to space but here's the thing if you go to space you spontaneously combust if shit goes bad, right? Drowning seems really terrifying. And even worse than that is if you come up too fast and you get like – Discombobulated and your head explodes, your lungs explode.

My dad was on a trip once when I was a kid. So I think that's why I'm so scared of it. But he was on a work trip to Jamaica or something like that. And he said they were out late at night and some of the guys were doing drugs and all that stuff. And one of the guys came up too fast. Yeah. Died. And my dad had to help drag his limp dead body.

Oh, God. What is that? Asphyxiation or something? I don't know. My dad, he's like, he's one of the guys who was doing the drugs. Drug related. Yeah. So it was probably something like, don't go scuba diving on coke wait 20 minutes probably like not the greatest cocaine activity

honestly that's good merch too no don't do cocaine and then go scuba diving right like coke stuff you want to fucking be having a party you're just like all right i guess we're just sitting down here in the dark yeah that's not well like the people who do the extreme free diving also don't understand that That makes no fucking sense The extreme where they're like on the rope And then they hold their breath and they don't have a tank and shit Have you seen that one where the guy's in the pool

That just like keeps going into like Pure darkness and he just keeps on swimming And it's like The deepest pool in the world Like I've been Over the summer tried to like My kids are of age now where we're doing fun shit in the pool. Yeah.

And it's so funny that they're still doing all the same things I did. That we did? Yeah. Did your parents drop you off at the pool at like seven o'clock in the morning and pick you up at 10 p.m. in the summer? Well, we had a pool, you know.

Oh, yeah. We had that above ground. Well, we went to our country club. So I'm just saying. It's at the Atlanta Athletic Club athletic club okay i was a part of the barracuda swim team so i had friends you were by yourself i i did i did i did get it in above ground pool this summer and the kids were kind of like the pool's too cold they weren't having fun and then the adults we were like watch this and we. And we started a whirlpool and they had never been in a whirlpool.

Did you do that as a kid? Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. They were like, this is the most incredible thing I've ever seen. Wait, did you say you got an above ground pool? I was, I have an in ground pool, but I had, yeah,

I had an above ground pool when I was younger and I was in one over the summer. I like the above ground pool, but I am again, white trash. It's a very Northern thing. In the South, we only have in ground pools. Really? pools really yeah i mean unless you're in like a trailer park but we that we have a lot of friends up up here in new york that have like above ground pools and they have like really nice houses and you're like what's going on the best is when you build the deck around it that's

what they do they build the deck around it and i'm like this is just one giant like inner tube like what the fuck is this which is weird too because like we have basements so like we do dig into i was thinking maybe it's something with the ground yeah like we have basements the south doesn't have yeah we all have basements are you kidding me that is that was the basement life when you were a kid your parents just threw you in the basement every basement's finished are we the ones who don't have basements yeah y'all don't have basements i don't i had one growing up so my vision my view but did you have like a finished basement? I feel like down south you have more. We finished it later. We had one like when I was growing up, it was just like.

Loose nails and like one white refrigerator in the basement. Yeah. Yeah. Like my teenage years, we finished half of it. Yeah. We know we're underground basement people. They're always finished. Like that's where everybody fucking hangs out because we also have tornadoes.

So you got to hit the deck in the basement. So maybe yeah, I guess it is us. We don't have maybe it Maybe it is a land land situation. Well hard to dig You're the topography I'm gonna title this land situation Sorry, I've come in here so fucking brain-dead today. I don't even know what I said Well, you were saying this Though before This is what I wanted

To start with Yeah You were like You did some other Appearances you don't want to do Yeah Just don't do those I hear you

Stop doing them I know But I also I know I totally hear you The thing is So you have to keep Networks happy

You have to keep Streamers happy There's a lot of things And also you're trying to get I'm trying to get other shit Across the finish line Like I know how to like Work the thing i think you do too much i think not as in a too much as a negative i think you need to take some time i think you can do whatever

you want to do however you want to do it you know i don't know how to say no you're right no i needed to hear this honestly you're right i needed this this is a wake-up call because jeff was yelling at me this morning i don't know how to say no i only know how to work that's what makes brings me joy. But I am like burnt the fuck out. I have nothing left. I feel like I'm getting dumber every day. I have nothing left to say.

I just spilled all these fucking secrets. I'm going to get sued or some shit. Like what? We may have to cut something out. Okay, I'm just going to let you know. Of course. But I'm just like, I'm like, what else can I fucking say anymore? I don't have an original thought.

I know. I'm fried. But you do all, first of all, I want to be very clear. I wasn't saying you should do too much as in like a central oversaturation. No, I don't have an original thought. I know. I'm fried. But you do all, at first, I want to be very clear. I wasn't saying you should do too much as in like a central oversaturation. No, I didn't take it that way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, now I forgot what I was going to say. You just don't need to at this point for your level. Like there isn't, but I think there's a couple ways you can go. Number one,

you have to be like, if you want to pull it off and be like mysterious in a way where it's like it's kind of what old school like celebrities were where it was like you only get to see them like on tv yeah and if you get if you catch a glimpse of them walking out of the club it's like a big deal but that's it's totally different when you're a comic yeah yeah yeah yeah but you could be like i think there are comics who are like uh very active and you see them all the time. And like they might take their shirt off a lot.

And you get, you see like every single second of their life. And then I think there are other ones who are just like, you'll see me when I'm on stage. And like I promote my tickets, but I don't. Right. But I think like, I would be too afraid to be like, you're not going to see everything about me because like, you're going to want to see me. You know what I mean? I know exactly what you're saying.

I'm like, I'm not good enough. So I just need to fucking flood the market. And hopefully you'll like something about me. If you want to be cool, you have to be like really good at it or really, really, really famous or talented. You know? I hear you. And it's been wild going out with like my, my friends who are actually like very, very

famous and how they just go away. they do a project like we're like real actors they'll go away do a project and you won't hear from them for two years and then they go to a press tour for a month but they're also getting paid a hundred million dollars a movie and shit like that so it's a totally different thing i'm literally a clown tap dancing for my fucking supper so that jeff can join more golf clubs you know, we could go on a trip to Antarctica. I am doing this for us. This motherfucker got so, he was so annoying two days ago. He's like, well, why the fuck?

You didn't tell me your schedule. I'm like, look at my schedule, Jeff. I'm doing 15 interviews today. I'm literally shaking my tits for cash. Okay, there was a billboard in Times Square. Can I just tell them this? There was a billboard in Times Square. It's up there and my team surprised me.

I didn't know it was going to be up. Very cool. So Jeff was in on it, right? But he went up to Westchester to play golf. He was gone from 2 to like 9 p.m. I'm at a business dinner. And he's like, we only have an hour left to get photos of you in front of this fucking thing because it's running for a day. You ruined this.

You ruined the surprise. I'm like, I ruined the surprise that you put together but you only gave me a one hour window while i'm at four charles trying to suck everyone's dick for a free prime rib and a movie deal shut the up we got one of our biggest fights the other night because he's like oh you saw you ruined it i said this was a surprise i didn't even know about it and this is what guys are good at they're good at like making the dinner reservation they're good at getting the billboard but they're not good at like finishing it like i need you to finish the full thing yeah if you wanted to really surprise me you would have said hey i need you to meet me at in time square from three to

you know whatever at 3 30 on the dot i have a surprise for you or whatever we're going to red lobster we're going to raisin canes i would going to Red Lobster. We're going to Raising Cane's. I would have been like, oh, fuck yeah, I'll be early. You know? I get that. Some of my mommies yell at me all the time. Like,

we're not finishing the job. Finish the job. She's like, if you're going to do the laundry, do the fucking laundry. Because I would like rotate it once or I wouldn't fold it

when the dryer was done. It's like, if you're going to do the job, do the fucking job. I'm like, fine, all right. But the kids who clean my apartment did the same thing the other day where they they

never do my laundry and they just left the pile of wet not wet but it was dry but it was just a pile of clothes on my bed yeah and i was like if you're gonna do it just do it just do it don't don't like have to do it because now somehow i don't know why i'm more annoyed about this the kids don't know how to do the laundry, okay? They're too big, they can't fold them. I'm like, get that fucking kid to fold my fucking shirt. Yeah, you can't have it both ways. Either you set up some video games for the kids

or you want them to do all your laundry and you're part of the problem, okay? I hear a lot, you're like on a hamster wheel of you don't know what the fuck you want from this family that's in your home at midnight. Okay, figure it the fuck you want from this family that's in your home at midnight okay figure it the fuck out do you know when jeff and i got engaged though we literally got engaged that you know there's a photographer taking photos the whole thing i uh i'm like oh my god

this is so romantic like i can't believe this it happened he did it in the pool at our favorite hotel in the turks and geckos i get out of the pool i'm like okay so what's next it was like the son had just said you know obviously we're gonna go to dinner he's like i don't know did you make a dinner reservation? I'm like, no, Jeff, I didn't make a dinner reservation. This is your proposal. He's like, well, my job's done. I did the thing.

And he was like sweating and all nervous. I was like, no, you plan the whole evening. And then you start fresh at midnight. And that's a new day that I can plan and take on as my responsibility. God forbid you take five hours and figure it the fuck out. I'll get tomorrow and the rest of the day yeah yeah just catching shit that's fine listen i don't know who i married because this is a born and raised new yorker fucking yankees fan giants fan and now

we have a house in mississippi and he drives a white z71 tahoe and we were we i did a show in oxford for the university and we're driving home back to Atlanta. He's driving his big Tahoe. He's listening to Morgan Wallen. He's got his like Sigma Nu frat shirt. I'm like, did you go to the Sigma Nu house? Did they invite you over? He's like,

I know some guys. And he's just driving through Mississippi and I'm like, I don't know who the fuck this person is. I did that. I went to FSU.

You want a mic? Do you want to come and defend yourself? This guy's just getting fucking chopped down. God damn. No, look, he loves this shit that you know what i keep getting interviewed because obviously like this whole special is about like you know how i make more money than jeff or whatever and like i roast him the whole thing but jeff supported me for the longest time in my comedy career and the and i keep getting interviewed people are like how does your husband

feel about you making jokes about him I'm like nobody asked male comic comics this nobody asks the other guys like how does your wife feel when you you know Ripper to shreds on stage or your fucking

you know kids like nobody says this so Jeff shut the fuck up you can handle this I can play a lot of golf on those jokes yeah he's playing golf

don't bite the hand don't bite the hand but I walked off the first time I did this hour I walked off stage and I think what was the show I did this hour I walked off stage and I think what was the show

in Augusta and I'm like okay Jeff's either going to love this or he's going to hand me divorce papers I don't know how this is going to go

for the jokes yeah and I walked off he's like you could have gone harder I was like thank you he's a good man particularly because he did the first show

in Augusta yeah I know right it's right down the street well don't worry we joined Tree Farm which is a country club 45 minutes from Augusta it's a really nice golf course i'm not i'm not disparaging but jeff was like yeah but how do you get me fucking looped into this i'm very excited because i play golf too

so i'm excited to go to tree farm but jeff's like shaw here's the thing it's a real good business opportunity a lot of good guys there i'm networking and so he just joined this other club which i'm excited to go to but this is what how it's always pitched to me yeah you know there's just really obscure golf course up and up state up in rochester i gotta join it it's a good business opportunity i'm like okay donald trump what the fuck are you talking about i'm getting bamboozled a little bit you know it's a good pitch though it works for me you don't want to pass up a good business opportunity i don't you know what i mean could have a good pitch though it works for me it works for the pitch you don't want to pass up a good business opportunity

I don't you know what I mean could have a good real estate deal out in Utah real estate deal yeah but he just comes home and he always has like a new hat on

that's got a new club and I'm like I feel like we're members I feel like my buddy just did a a golf tour through Ireland oh yeah

and got real fucked up one of the courses and joined it as an I would do that as well as an international member. But yeah, he lives in America. He lives in San Francisco.

He came back and he's like, dude, look at this. He's like, show me the logo on the hat. He's like, dude, this is such a sick logo. I was like, it is. How'd you get it? He's like, join the club. Join the club. You bought a $150,000 a summer hat.

And he's like, dude, it was so cheap. If I play two or three times a year, it a summer hat. Yeah. And he's like, dude, it was so cheap. Like, if I play two or three times a year, like, it evens out. I was like, you have to get to Ireland from San Francisco two or three times a year. And now I just get sent Zillow listings for, like, dude, look at these two cabins right by each other on the course. We should buy them. I'm like, I don't even play golf, dude. Why am I going to fucking buy a place in Ireland? Because you got drunk and made a bad decision.

But honestly, I'm probably going to buy it. Jeff, for some reason, thinks. Because of sheep. Because of sheep, I'm in. Every time we go to the Masters, Jeff's at Augusta National. He's like, I just feel like it's only five years away until they ask me to join. I'm like, honey, first of all, you're a Yankee, okay? I know there's a couple Yankees down here.

I was like, I have a better chance of joining. And they're definitely not going to ever ask a female comic and i always see the women because you know at augusta you have to wear the green jacket while you're there and they're always the women walk around with their little jackets and i'm like i just wanna i want to join just so i can be like i'm the member not you you spiteful ass hating bitch i am a little bit of a spiteful ass hating bitch but he lives such a good life and I'm such a good wife. And I suck dick so hard that I just feel like I'm able to talk a little shit.

I am. He's taken care of. I feed him like twice a day. You know what I mean? He's good. You guys, you guys, I think last time you were on,

was it your wedding cruise? Um, what was I doing? Yeah. What was I here? Has that happened yet? Oh wait, the cruise.

Yeah. Oh, uh, wait, the cruise? Yeah. Oh, no, the cruise is in April. April, okay. Yes, so it's like 2,000 fans on a cruise. Like, Bert did one. That just hasn't happened? No, no, that's in April. Yeah, what was I? It just went on sale.

I think that's why I was here. Yeah, what was I promoting? Again, I'm doing too much. Doing the cruise, about to go on the road again. But the cruise is, yeah, it's going to be out of control. I don't know what's going to happen. You going to steal the helm and take it up to Antarctica? Honestly? Well, we're supposed to go to Nassau Bahamas

so I don't actually know how to navigate to get to Antarctica just go down could you imagine Antarctica's it's at the bottom of South America so just go down just go down we went to New Zealand in February and I was like we're only four hours away from

Antarctica Jeff was like what the fuck is, and I was like, we're only four hours away from Antarctica. Jeff was like, what the fuck is your obsession? I was like, we could go. Wait, New Zealand's? I could always get fucked up with the... Yeah. Did you know that Brazil, if you were to put it on top of us,

would cover all of Mexico, all of America, and the bottom portion of Canada? Whoa. Just learn a new fact. Huge. It's crazy to me. I've never been down there me I've never been down there

I've never been down no I've been to the southern hemisphere I went to fucking I don't know what fucking time and space is I'm worried I gotta call

my business guy after this my little Asian friend who makes sure he's making fake product bags go talk to go talk to Fitz man find out about these UFOs

and just get out of here yeah honestly but wait so you would go to space if like Elon Musk and these guys were like, we're going to do like five civilians can go to space. Listen, I don't want to be stuck in a fucking spacecraft with Elon. Like, can you imagine? Oh my God, that'd be insufferable.

But would I go? I would go with like Richard Branson. I think that would be fine. He seems like he's a positive guy, you know? I know. I would, I think going to space would be so fucking cool. But like when, you know, people are doing the Titanic submersible, like no, you could not fucking pay me to get in something the size of like a Jetta

and go down to the bottom of the ocean. Truly, like if you offered me like $100 billion, it would still be the fastest no I've ever given you in my life. Same, I'm right there with you. If there is not a thing in the world, short, you could be like, you know, your kids are down there and you gotta go rescue them

and I would still be like, eh. Kids start, we all die though, right? Yeah. You carry on your legacy or something, kids. I might die on this cruise though.

I mean, think about it. It's 2,000 women unhinged and women, female fans are nuts. They are nuts. Guys are cool. I think I said this before. That boat is scary. That boat, but I will say if you're a single guy you should come on the cruise because

it is going to be like you're you know i think your fans are probably pretty cool too no they're great the funny thing is it's so different so burt did one of the cruises and like all of his like cheap rooms like sold out first well all my penthouse is sold out first because my audience is like their moms are like young girls who are like making money and they want to get the fuck out so like it's a girls weekend so like we have like a couple rooms left that don't have windows and i'm like the single guys need those rooms you can just go to pound town do what you want close the door you know what i mean don't even turn the lights on do your thing and then go back up to the lido deck and keep taking rum shots you know and you do like a show at night? Yeah, we'll be doing shows at night.

I'm bringing a bunch of other comics on. How many days is the cruise? It's four days. We stop in Nassau, Bahamas. So you do four shows? I do four shows. Or four nights.

Yeah, or three shows because we figured the day that everybody gets off the boat and goes to the Bahamas, like everyone's going to be so fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like Adam Ray's coming. Man, let me tell you, I think everyone's going to be fucked up. Hold on, hold on. I know when I tried to explain it when we were like

putting the tickets on sale, they're like, obviously I want to bring my other comedy buddies to like Adam Ray's coming, Steph Tolove. We have like a really fun crew. She's really funny. She's great.

And she's the funniest. Like these are my peeps. Rosabelle? Rosabelle, she's the best. And I was like, my team, they want to see shows, but they just also want to like get drunk

and like braid each other's hair and like chit chat. You know what I mean around you guys be around yeah but it's gonna be fun so what are you gonna like during the day will you hang are you gonna like hide how to hide out i feel like you get like mobbed the whole fucking day i i haven't really totally figured out jeff is going to be in the casinos teaching everybody how to play blackjack and craps and everything so he's gonna be running that there's a putting green on board we're going to be doing golf lessons and the thing is we set sail on master sunday and jeff was like this is the first year we're not going to the masters on master sunday and he's very upset and i was like shut the fuck up mommy's working on a cruise ship so we're going

to watch the masters as we're like leaving the port of miami all this shit could be worse yeah yeah i don't know i might be you know scissoring a couple gals during the day. I don't know what is in my contract. You've got to make it a good experience for them. You've got to make it a full experience. You'll have a fan for life. You can't have everyone leave and go, well, that was pretty fun, but I didn't scissor Heather,

so I'm not going on a cruise, too. Thank you. And am I working too hard? I sure am. But I'm ready to scissor gals. I'll see you on the Lido deck. Have you watched the show Hacked? Of course.

Yeah. The most recent season had that scene where the fan is talking to her, the tall black manager, assistant, and he was talking about how the diehard fans are like, you should love that there's new fans, even though they're kind of taking up your spots. It feels very Hacks-esque in that sense. That was a very cool scene. I was like, damn, all right. That whole show is like looking into your spots. And it was, I could, it feels very hacks esque in that sense. That was very, that was a very cool scene.

I was like, damn. All right. That whole show is like looking into my future. I mean, she and I wear the same outfits. You know what I mean?

Like I, I, my sister's very attractive and I wonder if like Jeff will leave me for my sister one day. You know what I mean? Cause that's like her whole

storyline in the show. She does have a diet Coke, um, you know, photo fountain soda machine in her house. I was like, I would love that.

Like when I really start making money, I want to get that put in. Um, I would love that. When I really start making money, I want to get that put in. Did you do it? I would do that. Fuck yeah. Did you? No, no, I haven't done that. I have the crushed ice machine,

but I don't have the fountain soda machine. I need to get that. I think you can afford the fountain machine. Yeah, I can afford it. Here's my other idea. Okay, ready? Gas station, gas pump in your driveway. That's great.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It was not received well around here. I'm always like, oh, fuck. I wanted to just get home last night. I drove it till zero miles to go and now I'm in a rush

and I gotta go get, I gotta stop at the gas station first or I'm gonna be late if I just had one right there. I do get a little worried about it being close to the house so I feel like that's a high explosion rate. You know what I mean?

I also feel like people would, like the kids in the neighborhood would like come steal your gas oh they would for sure but i kind of like that i'd like to be the guy like banging like get the hell out of here stop stealing my gas you punk kids i also drive a hybrid so i'm one of those bitches she's plugging in the audi q5 hybrid i love her we just zip around down you have a jeff z71 over there it takes like 400 worth of. And he's like off-roading. I'm like, we live in Atlanta, Jeff. Like, relax. Yeah.

Oh, God, that's a good idea, though. Again, we smoke too many heaters outside. So I think it's. If you could have one food chain type thing. Like Tyrese has Benihana in his house. Oh. Which is like fucking awesome. Yeah, fuck yeah.

What would you have? I mean, I'm a Chick-fil-A girly because, you know, I am from Atlanta. So I would want fresh nuggets. I'd want a deep fryer. And listen, everybody in the South has deep fryers in their house. But I'd want some sort of Chick-fil-A situation. Like the basket?

Yeah, the basket in their house. That's like very common? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, we're deep frying shit. We got the griddles to do like the big pancakes. I would probably burn myself in my house. But once I got that down it would be dangerous because i'd be like let's deep fry this water bottle yeah i'll fucking eat you throw a

handful of pennies in there i'll probably eat deep fried coins i'm the same way deep fried oreos all that shit i've never done a deep fried turkey and everybody does that in the south but i that literally blows up houses like every single everyone you always see it on like tiktok they they set the deep fryer or the turkey in the deep fryer they go to a turkey trot they run a 5k and they come back and like can't believe the house is on fire like what the fuck it's so i i thought it was like this very meticulous process it's as simple as you just have to let it defrost first right i don't know i don't know what it is i'm pretty sure it's's just like the dumbest people alive who do that. I've seen all that and I've been like, not that I ever

was going to cook it, but I've been like, oh, I want to try that. And I think it's incredibly simple. I also think they don't understand the idea of like the displacement of it. Like you put it in and the oil comes up. So I see a lot of people

plunking it and that overflows and i think there's like an open flame somewhere or something like that and that's the real problem we got the uni pizza oven though and this is not shitting on uni we cannot figure it the fuck out i don't know what that is but that was another thing is i wanted to have like a brick of is like you can slide it in sort of wood fire and they're expensive and we got it as a wedding gift and we have fucking tried everything like i thought i was was gonna become Like a pizza maker We cannot figure it the fuck out It is

It is always raw in the middle It is burnt on the edges Like it is the bane of my existence You gotta do that thing with Oh we do it all And they spit it? We do it all It is

I cannot figure it the fuck out Have you I learned another something Something about It's a Type of mozzarella That's like Colder or warmer than usual Fuck what is it there's something there's

there's like special mozzarella is it the red it's called like red buffalo mozzarella i don't even know the brand name but it's like a style of buffalo of mozzarella that i like i was just thinking i'm just gonna throw like shredded cheese on there like from the fridge and apparently like you can't do that no and you gotta you gotta be like i was gonna take a bread making this year i was trying to find a hobby that was like really like calming oh you're so white girl no I'm so white girl here's the thing I'm overstimulated all the time and I need something that I can do that's tangible and tactile with my hands where I'm not doomsday scrolling about Antarctica on TikTok so I got a bunch of books I was like bread making I was like this is cute I'm gonna learn how to make sourdough like do that shit too

fucking complicated then I was gonna take up a needlepoint too fucking complicated like that's the problem my add is so bad i want to start shit so i thought i was gonna we got this uni pizza oven i'm like i'm gonna learn how to make the doughs we're gonna have pizza parties all the fucking time and i was like this is more work for me like i just hire a caterer i'm like i'm not doing this shit i'm fucking tired my feet are fat from the road like i'm not doing this you know i don't have help jeff's on the fucking back nine jerking dudes off like i don't have help. Jeff's on the fucking back nine jerking dudes off. Like, I don't have help. Right? It's like, it's unfair. So this is why I'm doing too much.

That's why. Okay. I understand. But you could say no to like the really blech ones. No, I could. I could. But you know, when you have a week, you're like, all right, let's do a press tour. Let's go do the things.

And listen, I love chit-chatting. But today, it kind of hit me. I woke up and I was like, I'm going to fucking die. My day yesterday was, my first thing I glammed was at 6.30. I did probably 12 interviews. And then I did Watch What Happens Live at 10 p.m. It was a 16-hour day yesterday. And it's like, again, I'm sick of myself.

You're sick of me. The listeners are fucking sick of me. What the fuck are we even talking about here? I'm the exact opposite of Sippy. Okay. I want to be exceptionally clear. That's why you do it though is like, it sucks, but it's like my, our audience is probably not watching Watch What Happens Live. Right.

And they definitely aren't watching the weird like news shit you did. Yeah. So our only exposure is going to be you on this show. Right. So. Yeah. But I like coming to chat with y'all. This is the most fun stuff. I hope we get that a lot. I think it's genuine, but it's like

what if they all just keep saying that's everybody? And we're actually one of the like... No, y'all are the good folks. I was with Pookie and Jet at the Falcons game. They're sweet. I love Pookie and Jet. Y'all, but that Falcons game was so fucking funny because they invited local Atlanta celebrities or whatever. So I'm in this booth and offsets behind me next to me is little john

then we had candy burst from the real housewives of atlanta uh you know two chains was there so we're all in this booth together and then it's me and pookie i have a full blonde blowout and they put us on the jumbotron and it's like every atlanta rapper ludicrous is sitting doozy's away from me and i'm just like hey guys i'm here go dirty birds it was fucking amazing and when we're walking into the suite all the rappers are like who the fuck is this white chick but i had hot shorts on so they were very into it and i was like jeff walk away i gotta flirt a little bit um i gotta go talk to titty boy i'll be right back exactly but it's so funny going to like Atlanta celebrity shit because it's always just me and the boys

me and the rappers it's gotta be a pretty diverse difference there it's fantastic though I love it that's very cool yeah you hear like

what is it what dome is it oh Mercedes Mercedes yeah you hear the place go nuts for Lil Jon you're like

that was probably for me yeah I know actually Lil Jon is great man he's a delight he's the best I mean I am worried about Usher and the me. Lil Jon is great, man. He's a delight. He's the best. I mean, I am worried about Usher and the P. Diddy thing. I don't know what's going to happen there. I'm a little worried about that.

Not great. Yeah, it's not great. I don't think it's great. I don't think it's great. I think he made the list. Yeah, I'm a little worried about that. But yeah, but everybody else is fucking great. T-Pain used to live a couple of houses down from us.

He seems awesome, too. He was really great, and he was really young when he bought the house. And so this was when I was in college. My dad called me one day my dad was head of the hoa my dad was like the coolest fucking guy ever he's like i got a little bit of a situation all the guys in the neighborhood like these other you know like uppity white people are being a dick to t-pain i was like dad just go over there and talk to him and of course my mom calls me she's like had some rampant moved in the neighborhood his name's acorn i'm like what i'm like acorn she's like yeah i think that's who it is it wasn't it was t-pain but he he would like, Heather, some rampant moved in the neighborhood. His name's Acorn. I'm like, what? I'm like, Acorn? She's like, yeah,

I think that's who it is. It wasn't. It was T-Pain. But he would like park his cars like out on the street and like he'd have his big tour bus

and we're in a gated community in Atlanta and they're like, this is an eyesore or whatever. So my dad went over there one day and was just like, hey, listen,

I'll smoke some weed with you and like talk to you about it. Like I'm not a fucking like old white dude who's going to be a pain in the ass. He's got to be the only cool HOA guy in the world

because we're all motherfuckers. My dad would always say, you have to live next to these a pain in the ass. He's got to be the only cool HOA guy in the world. Ever. Because they're all motherfuckers. My dad would always say, you have to live next to these people. Why the fuck would you be a dick? He did it for like two years and he was like, everyone's insufferable. I'll never do this again.

It's very power trippish. It's very power trippish and now we're dealing with a tyrant in our neighborhood and that's a whole fucking thing. So that's another thing. All the women in the neighborhood are like,

please run for the HOA. This guy would be scared of you because you have a public platform. And I'm like, I don't have fucking time to be HOA president. I do not have time to do this. Do you ever think about,

we have to let you go. I did see that text. Do you ever think about doing things that you genuinely don't want to do, like be the HOA president and just hope it goes awful and just work for material? Everything I do.

I think about having kids just for material. That's fucking twisted. do not do that do not do that every part of my life is that is how sick and sadistic i am as i put myself in situations where i run myself ragged but i'm like i'll get at least five or ten minutes out of this you know and i feel like not going to freak off was a missed opportunity but again was not invited I'm not on the list shut the fuck up

no I love you guys thank you for always having me y'all are really the best Red Winter is on Hulu now as well as English Teacher watch that too it's very funny it's so good

it's so good it's so good I love yeah it's one of the best shows I think the finale came out today I haven't seen it yet or maybe yesterday we can mercifully end this

so Jeff does not get fucking another 30 shots in the head. Oh, he's jerking off. He's having the time of his life. Parties are rock. Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Jeff.

Thank you, Jeff. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.