KFC Radio - Oktoberfest Mega Thread, SlobGate, Jo Koy, and Jessa Rhodes

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

John may have witnessed a cover-up at the bar. Oktoberfest seems like a good time. SlobGate was bad but the aftermath keeps claiming victims. Jo Koy broke his teeth, sold out another couple arenas, promises to give KFC $50,000 and doesn't want you to follow your dreams. Jessa Rhodes tells us about making $10K in a single night, why she slapped a 21-year old at a strip club, her Australian accent and her weird choice of pets.VOICEMAILS: soft dicks, bad Uber drivers, skipping episodes, KFC sex dreamYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by Roman. Have you seen those ads with the Roman CEO? The TV commercials? I don't believe so. I wonder if they're really him, if they're like... They probably are, I guess.

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Yeah. And you've been doing some drinking, John. I like to drink. Yeah, you've been doing some drinking. I mean, I drink every night. What is that? Is that? I think this is the intervention, John.

I think there are so many times where people – You drink every night. What's the problem? Like I think people just think of drinking – they just picture like a frat party. Yeah, like you're funneling beers and shit. Yeah. I went to the bar last night. I had three beers.

Yeah. I was there for like four hours. So yeah, that doesn't count. We know wine doesn't count. That's what I normally – I think under six beers doesn't count. I think you have to have six beers to say like, oh, you've been drinking. I think that's fair.

But it's like historically – But if you're drinking liquor at all, you're drinking. Historically, what I – like what I do is like I go to the game – I go to the bar and watch the game because that's – that's like in all of – Is that historically what you've been doing though or is that new? Like on a Monday Night Football, you've been going out to the bars for like years to watch that? No, no. But I've been going out like Sundays bars for like years to watch that? Um, no, no. But I've been going out like Sundays

but now on Mondays I go. Um, and it's just like it's like a place that's where I like to go watch the game. It's, I, like what I mean it's historically

that's a more normal thing to do than sitting alone on a couch. Yeah, fact. Like you go to like the public square or the public house they're called, right?

It's like bars. Like that's where everyone goes after work. You go and you have a few beers. I'm not getting crazy but I'm going to have a couple beers. I'm not getting crazy, but I'm going to have a couple beers.

I just love that I feel like... Marty said it last night on the stream. He places at a bar 24-7. Yeah. Not 24-7, but seven days a week. I go to a bar after work.

Because what's happening, too, you go to the bar to watch games, right? You're watching many more games because you're gambling. So what's happening is you're developing a gambling addiction

that's feeding your drinking addiction. Yeah, that works. Also what I'm – No, no, no. The point is that doesn't work. That's an unsustainable cycle that will probably end up crashing and burning. Also what I do is Casey goes to the bar a lot.

Yeah. And Casey puts everything on social media. I mean there's always Instagram videos. I was always going. I was just fucking quiet while I was there. Oh, got it, got it. Because I was going to say she'll be like, well, fight's just going to the bar. And the fight's like, well, Casey's at the bar.

I'm like, I think you guys just both want to be at the bar. Yeah, no. I'm just pinning on each other. I do. I just don't snitch on myself. Yeah, got it, got it. Because I was going to say, she'll be like, well, fights is going to the bar. And the fight's like, well, Casey's at the bar. I'm like, I think you guys just both want to be at the bar. Yeah, no. Depending on each other. I do. I just don't snitch on myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Although last night I did.

Last night I sent out a tweet. And I think that tweet was what inspired Marty's comment. Because it came right after I tweeted it. But I saw a fucking scene. It wasn't a scene. It was just the craziest thing I've ever seen. It was. What does that seen. So this guy comes in to the bar. He's got

a sweatshirt on with like a Sunset Anarchy patch, like a vest on. But a real one, not like a biker's, with his helmet. He takes off his vest, takes off his sweatshirt, hands it to the bartender, says, can you throw this away?

It's evidence of a crime. it to the bartender, says, can you throw this away? It's evidence of a crime. He's like, what did the bartender do? He threw it right in the trash, and then the guy sat down, he's like, let me get a Presidente, which happened to be the beers I was drinking.

I kind of said it to be like, joking that I chained my order. I actually, for some reason, was drinking Presidentes last night. It's a rare thing for me, but I was. Yeah.

And I was like, I don't know what this means but i want to just like hold up like dude i'm good like no snitch in here just so you know but like you just like who just says that yo especially when he comes up with like a biker helmet and the bite the the cut that was the evidence of a murder right that was you know he was talking about how he just got back from a ride what does that that mean, man? What does that mean? What are you saying to us? That's wild. Just sat there alone drinking a Presidente on his way back from a

ride after needing to ditch. You think he got away with it? Maybe he was kidding. Do you think maybe your tweet could lead to his downfall? I definitely didn't anticipate a podcaster talking about it. Yeah. Throwing it away is not enough to dispose of evidence.

That's not enough. He probably looked around and was like, I know these pussies are going to do anything. Hey, bartend, I'm a murderer. What are you going to do about it? Like, tweet. Oh, bitch, you're going to follow him. Although, how about this, dude?

Look at these noties I'm getting. Speaking of notifications and things like that, though, they were like, before the bar, I was at dinner with my parents in Brooklyn. And, I mean, the most Brooklyn family you'll ever see in your life came in. Was it the Cephanos? It was like, no, no, no, New Brooklyn. Hipster Brooklyn. And it was like the husband had the hat on like I have.

It was like a lower top one. It was almost like Amish kind of look. You know what I mean? Yeah. The mom had the bangs with a long red riding hood coat. And then the two children had one had on like a lumberjack hat, you know, like the red and black checkered. And then the other one had a bandana tied around his neck.

And I was like, I wish I didn't have as big a following as I have that loves to tweet a picture of it you do like I don't want to like it is a family dinner I don't wanna make a huge deal of it but like I would love to share this moment with somebody but the crazy thing about all of it was at the end like when I was finally sat down for dinner the husband took his hat off the kids took their hats off the white player a ponytail I like, that's just a normal family. They just wear dumb hats and do stupid things with their hair. It was a crazy quick, like, bam.

Nope, that's a whole new family. They're just regular people. They probably committed a murder, too. They'll take your hat off. Take your man hat off. We're good. The craziest thing I've ever seen is that thread from Oktoberfest. Oh, my gosh.

I'm not going to belabor it here because it's audio you're listening to. Unless you're on Barstool Gold, go to barstoolgold.com slash KFC. We'll put it up on the screen here. I'm not kidding. Those were the craziest string of videos, particularly like one or two,

that I think I've ever seen on the internet from what's supposed to be normal shit. Yeah, I've seen people get their heads chopped off and hit by trains and faces of death. But this was just like, hey, check out this Twitter video of these people enjoying their time out at Oktoberfest. And if you haven't seen it, it starts out like this girl is just blowing a line of coke. And I didn't realize it was a threat at first. So I saw a lot of quote tweets being like this is the craziest shit I've ever seen.

And I thought they meant the one video. The first video is this girl blows a line and then someone takes like a beer mug and pushes it through like four or five other lines that had been laid out there. And I thought that was it. That people were like, can you believe this bitch just ruined all that coke? And I was like, oh, okay, that's crazy. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen. And then it was like, no, scroll

a little more. And then it's like this guy is peeing in the middle of Oktoberfest and someone slips on it like a goddamn banana in mario kart and then uh one dude just just slides on his stomach on like hardwood floor it's wet but it's wood totally naked and it's actually a very well shot video he just like appears and then disappears and everyone fucking and and throughout it everyone's just going about their business and there's the one girl just getting absolutely blasted. And she looks all sorts of fucked up.

I watched the movie Midsommar recently. Top one worst movie I've ever seen in my life, along with the Jordan Pio one. So bad. Really? I heard good things. Yeah, terrible. Absolutely awful. Didn't even finish it.

Really? But it's very much like they go on vacation to this, I don't know, Swedish-type place. Norway or some shit. And it's just fucking wacky. And that's what I felt like I was watching. Like, oh, yeah, this is just like our custom. We just sit here and rape each other and kill each other. In the end, we eat the virgin or some shit.

But then the one video, which is truly the craziest thing I've ever seen, this guy just takes his buddy's soft penis, pulls it taut, and blows a line of coke off his soft dick. And then, when they both finish up, and they both have coke all over their nose, and they're just like, smiling, like, yeah, we did it. That is

crazy. I said this on the rundown. I said this on the wrong show. I gotta, like, depending on who I'm with and what show I'm recording, I said on the rundown, I would prefer the guy's dick to be hard. I don't know why. That's what I was just gonna say. Dave was like, that's so weird. I'm like, like, depending on who I'm with and what show I'm recording, I said on the rundown, I would prefer the guy's dick to be hard. I don't know why. That's what I was just going to say. Dave was like, that's so weird.

I'm like, fuck off, Dave, with your fucking toxic masculinity. I want to blow coke off a hard dick. Oh, dude, it's not even close. Not even close. A shrivelly, like, imagine rubbing your nose against your buddy's, like, foreskinny skinny, like, bleh. I think I'd rather blow coke off off a hard dick than a vagina it's just like logistics it's just like it's a better surface

for cocaine use like a vagina gets wet guess what wet cocaine gets ruined that's now her cocaine not your cocaine your lines now her line yeah you could do it over the top of her or whatever. You want to go to whatever that part of the body is called. I don't know anything about the female anatomy. The pussy bone. The pussy bone. But yeah, if you're looking to set up a mini table, buddy, the hard dick's the one you want. That's the best surface in the game.

Could you imagine just tugging, like pinching your buddy's – because we all know how small soft dicks are. Especially when you're high on cocaine,vin and he just yanks it you know that feeling which is because i'm you know everyone's giving us a little tug and it's just and the guy's just laughing everyone just laughing having a good time like we're all high on coke man let's go piss on the floor and slide down the fucking balcony like what dude that fuck fuck? That's a big time. Like, what? Like, I'm sure. I haven't seen much of it yet, but I'm sure Black Twitter is just like white people, man. People, people, a lot of people are like, I think even Tyler was like,

Oktoberfest looks like the move next year. I have, this is not a good selling point for me. That better be like a joke because like I don't ever want to. I thought Oktoberfest was like pretzels and beer. I need more rules in my life. Way more rules. I need pretzels and beer. I need more rules in my life. I need more rules, more structure, more things. You can't just drop me off in the middle of a foreign country. You can do whatever the problem is.

The problem is not the behavior, the antics, because you get a million people at a party, a festival, Burning Man, whatever. All that crazy shit. There's drugs and booze. I don't know. I've never seen a stream videos like that at those events where it's all so publicly happening. So that's my point is that the problem is not that there are assholes who are fucked up doing crazy shit. It's the acceptance.

I would hope that anywhere I go in my life, yeah, there could be two assholes blowing lines off each other's soft dicks. I would hope the rest of the crowd would be like, get out of here. Hey, hey, get out of here. You guys, get out of here. Somebody step up. It's the overall the overall i mean everyone's just goofy laughing like it's all good

fucking they're literally hanging from the rafters they're like up there like that's what happens if you do coke off your buddy's dick eventually you're gonna be like i'm gonna go climb that pole and guess what you can't get down you can't't keep tapping the pole without you falling from the ceiling. That's what has to happen. You have to fall from the ceiling. Just absolutely zero repercussions, which is, I guess, not the case here at Barstool Sports after Slopgate. There are repercussions being handed out.

But we find ourselves in these situations because often people forget about repercussions at Barstool Sports. So we'll touch upon Slopgate or Slobgate or whatever it is uh it's brought to you by express vpn if you want to be able to watch every single nfl game this season no matter where you live or what team you root for there's a proven way to watch every football game live for a fraction of the cost of direct tv or nfl sunday ticket now we are working at a place where we have uh uh tons of out-of-market people you're a boston guy in New York. We've got Donnie's living in China half the time.

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So, you know, I'm so sick of these fucking stories, to be honest. But more drama at Barstool Sports because there was a live stream on Sunday night for baseball and nobody cleaned up. Now, I stand firm that this whole thing is happening because of Columbus Day. Because everyone who's acting like we mop the floors after we hang out here at night is a fucking liar. People eat, they drink, they leave shit, they go home, and it's magically clean the next day. That's what happens at Barstool Sports. I'll let you behind the counter. I'll let you behind the curtain here.

Nobody is sitting here scrubbing the floors until the morning because we were raised the right way. Fuck out of here. I think that no one was here or the schedule was different or whatever because of Columbus Day. Now, should people have picked up? Yes, sure, all that shit. But there's a lot of finger pointing, a lot of bus throwing, and all sorts of righteous bullshit that it's like, okay,

this is not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last, so let's fucking relax. Yeah, I agree with you wholeheartedly. It is crazy when you see some employees and stuff like that tweeting like they're personally offended by this. I don't really give a shit what other people do. I don't care what you do. Again, we go back to it.

We were here for El Camino the other night. Guess what? We threw away our stuff because we were here until after the cleaning company came. So we took care of our own shit. So I'm not like, oh, I'll fucking piss in the office. No, I take care of my shit. And guess what? If someone else doesn't, I don't fucking care.

That's the thing. It's like, sure, it should have been done. Yeah, it's a little bit gross. Yes, you can't complain about mice if that shit's going to happen. But also, I was like, oh, okay, whatever. Yeah, don't get me wrong. Dave and Erica, I see. They're there, right?

But other regular other bloggers it's like it's like how dare they give us a fucking shit that's like a mental note like all right i'll remember that because i guarantee you'll be in the frying pan one day right and and then you know is anybody gonna be tweeting for you to you know save you or is it gonna be like oh my god yeah yeah i guess i cannot believe that these 23-year-old fucking people left out like some Chinese. I can believe it. We don't work in a normal place. It's not the same as leaving food out at your office space.

We work like it's a frat house, and sometimes there's a party and people don't clean up. Like I said, it won't happen. And I fucking hate, hate the people who will be on Twitter. Like, I wouldn't do this. Yeah, man. No shit. Guess what? If you're fucking, if you're leading your application to Barstool, you're leading.

The number one skill and talent you have is that you wouldn't eat Chinese food out. You'd throw stuff in the garbage. Guess what? You're not talented. Not exactly the fucking kind of person we'd hire. No. And I'm happy that Dave did, as mad as he is. He's like, Frankie got off the plane and came right to a live stream like these guys were working

they were putting out their podcast at like 1 a.m they're working hard everyone here is like a hard worker it's not like they're taking things for granted it's just a a little bit of uh like yeah the sunday night at 2 a.m they started recording a podcast they're hard workers right yeah they fucking they forgot a couple of trays of Chinese food. Now, what I will say, all that shit aside, the problem I do have with is the way people handle these things afterwards. I mean, I texted you immediately this morning when I saw Hubs' response. Eric Huberman, what are you doing?

You fucking buffoon? Yeah. I mean, on what planet is that the proper response? Could you imagine thinking, like, for what second Hubs thought, like, choom, press send, exonerated. Like, that's going to work. Dave's going to be like, oh, okay, never mind. Hubs is safe.

Like, what? Hubs, I mean, it was the craziest response I've ever. To, like, argue with Dave is always never gonna work he is you are not arguing in a court of law if Dave Portnoy has decided you're guilty you're guilty

there's no point in being like well here's my argument even if you have a sound one which Eric didn't and he still decided to go with public defiance as a move to respond to dave portnoy i mean like like here's how you know baby here's how you know it's bad uh like separately and actually a little bit later jared the rocket caravans went with that and he's a fucking caricature of a human like he's just a goddamn idiot moron hubs actually thought that was like

gonna work if you're ever in line when i when i got in when i got in the office i was like hubs what are you doing and he looked at me like with like bewilderment he had that to me should have been like press send like oh is there an unsend button like what have i done oh i've been hacked not like he was like what i you know i didn't i didn't eat that yeah guess what that doesn't it felt like i was the first person we were the first person to tell him, like, what was that? Yeah. He was like, what do you mean? Moments later, Dave quote tweets it with a wrong answer. Wrong answer.

And then lists out your entire history of wrongdoings. That's what I mean, dude. That's exactly what I fucking mean. Now, some people are saying that I'm skating by here. And that's because i am i don't know if it's because i'm not a yankee fan i did leave early that's that's my that's my story and i'm sticking to it i'm just fucking skating on i'm doing pirouettes i I'm doing triple axles. Toe pick. I'm skating. Are people

trying to have you not skate by? Are people on Twitter? There was a few tweets. The weasel Frankie Borelli is chirping my name a lot. So, you know, no surprise that Yankee fans are being like snitch weasels. Of course, they're bad people. They're sculls. They deserve the worst in life. And I hope all I hope that this they lose

this series and I hope Dave continues to punish them all fucking six or seven games. But, yeah, I mean, listen, I cleaned up the other night. I left early this time. I would clean up if I was finishing a party. I wasn't going to, like, throw out the Chinese food while people were there. Imagine if it was, like, the 11th inning, and someone was like, I'm getting hungry again. Let's get the Chinese food. It's like, oh, Kevin threw it out in the fifth.

I'm not going to do that. Yeah, I mean, if you left it in the fifth, that's crazy do that yeah i mean you left it on the fifth that's crazy yeah i mean it's but so i'm not actually skating but it is good i am kind of i mean during the rundown it was like well who else was there and i was just like well uh next topic so more drama and uh it'll never ever fucking stop let's do uh we got two interviews up today we have joe coy who is a fucking international superstar, and I mean that quite literally at this point, doing a world tour, selling out arenas.

Netflix special was a smash. And he's bordering on, like, Ken Jeong, Mortal Enemy at this point. Me and him have a good rivalry going. So we have him. I can tell you what. You better get a white Mortal Enemy before we name two Asian ones. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

I need like Jimmy O. Yang to be like, I love that guy. Yeah, we're best friends. I got Asa. Asa likes me. Yeah, but I think even if you have Asian people who like you. I need a Mortal Enemies not. You can't have, yeah. You can't have like, here's my list of Mortal Enemies.

It's Ken Jeong, Joe Coy, Bruce Lee. Very funny racist moment by me on this show. Like a laugh out loud funny. Funny now? I was not comfortable. I really was not uncomfortable. You were very uncomfortable. I can't tell racist stuff.

Asians don't count. Asian racist is very different than black racist. I don't know. That's true. It is. We're buddies. He's good. Did you see the tweet that went kind of viral? This black chick put up a picture that said I'm feeling very C-word

without eyelashes on. C-word? Oh, okay. I can't even say it. That's what I was thinking too. Poor Asians lost the C-word. You can't say that. Right, know the asian c word and then this asian chick quote tweeted it put up a picture of herself and said i'm feeling very n wordy with with my lips or

something like that and the general reaction was like you right you right girl like she's speaking she's speaking facts i was like whoa wow this is some like you know that urban legend like you know this is what guts is and you submit your yeah say blank like that was a ballsy tweet and i don't know if i can't remember what kind of account it is all i know is i think it was um asian lady ballin was the name so i don't know if it's like a parody account or whatever account but she she threw it out there and everyone was like yeah like you can't say that that c word the yeah, you can't say that C word the same way you can't say the N word.

But anyway, it's different. Joe Coy, and we also have Jessa Rhodes on the show, a porn star who is wildly open about her history and her life. And John is a smitten kitten. I mean, I've liked Jessa Rhodes for a while now, and this is my first time meeting her, and I like her more. Yep. Great interview.

Great ATI. Great looking gal. Just a good guest all around. So opposite ends of the spectrum here on our guest. Yeah, I'll tell you what. If there was any day you were going to get Barstool Gold, if you don't have it yet, make it for Jessa's interview. This would be the one.

Trust me. Go hardcore. Trust me. to get barstool gold if you don't have it yet this would be thank you for jess's this would be the one trust me go hardcore trust me you you want to sign up for this one and this one only uh so we'll do those interviews but first let's get to our voicemails as always uh voicemails today brought to you by sirius xm if you love barstool sports subscribe to sirius xm you get barstool radio you get cck you get uh you get our whole slate of shows from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. for $4 per month. $4 a month. That's some old school KFC radio stuff. It's $1 a week. Right? $4 a month, $1 a week.

It's like less than a dime a day. I mean, it's practically free. Go to SiriusXM.com slash KFC. You can tune in to listen to me, Casey, and Karabas. We're on from 1 to 3. Everybody else throughout the entire day, like I said, on Power 85+. You can tune into live games, coverage of every major sport from every major conference. You can root for your team all season long.

They even have fantasy sports coverage. So if you're into that, you can break down your fantasy teams, who's doing well, buy, sell, trade, whatever. Advice from experts. It's sports programming, music programming. Experts are talking. Ad-free music. Very clutch. If you're still listening to, like, the regular radio, listening to ads, that's insane.

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Go listen to CCK on demand for $4 per month. That is as cheap as it's going to get. So go to SiriusXM.com slash KFC. See all for details and subscribe. That's SiriusXM.com slash KFC. All right. Before we get to our voicemails, though, I want to give a shout-out to the OG listeners and readers of Barstool. Actually, just the readers.

There were no listeners at that point. Tomorrow, today? Today is the 10-year anniversary of Falcon the Balloon Boy. Those words, if you're young or you're not, like from old school Barstool or whatever, mean nothing to you. And if you are, those mean everything everything to you falcon the balloon boy was was was probably my probably still is but certainly in the moment the most fun i've ever had as a blogger which is scary because in the we we thought that it was basically gonna be the

death of a child floating away in a balloon and i was was like, this is awesome! Like, live blogging it. I remember, like, I put up a blog on it. It got, like, 500 comments, which at the time, you know, I was like, how many comments do you have on your blog? And that was, like, the OG commenters were actually, like, funny and shit. So it was, like, the whole Barstool community was watching this live stream of this little boy allegedly, supposedly, that we thought was floating away in a tinfoil balloon.

Turned out to all be a hoax. And you read an article basically saying that that was like a microcosm for where the world was going. And as I say it out loud, I'm like, yeah, it was basically like potential death being entertainment. It turned out to all be a hoax because someone was going for attention. It was live entertainment on the news. It was internet going attention. It was live entertainment on the news.

It was internet going viral. It was everything. It was everything in the sense that everything but that wasn't important. That took over the news for hours. I think six hours, nine hours, something like that. It was just floating. It was like the whole world stopped and just focused on this. It was just like a rogue balloon made a few planes have to get out of the way.

But it was really about what the article was mostly about. It was about how that was the first thing that almost taught us how to quickly pounce on pop culture stuff, on relevant things like that. Because it was said in the – You made a goddamn T-shirt. Merchandising. Why Falcon Fly? Merchandising was one of the things mentioned in the article,

but another was just like the reality TV aspect. Another was it was weird. It was a month before that or two weeks before that were the VMAs where Kanye and Taylor Swift happened. And I think it was a month before because it was like, that was still like the relevant pop culture thing at the moment. It had been a month and that was still like, I'm going to let you finish, I'm going to let you finish,

but Beyonce and the best mom of all time. And, uh, I just want to say on Kanye, by the way. Um, the, uh, but so that, and that was like really once Balloon Boy happened, we all kind of changed. It was just like, okay, things are relevant for one day now and that was like really once once balloon boy happened we all kind of changed it was just like okay we things are relevant for one day now and that's it interesting it was it was a

pretty cool article i'll see if i can find it like i didn't know all that but like in retrospect there's a reason why it was like such a big thing on the blog and like it changed things so shout out to falcon uh shout out to with a wife swap weirdos and all that shit. Let's get to these boys. Oh, by the way, Kanye, I've realized that Kanye, the only thing Kanye or maybe people I like can do to make me be like, all right, it's fine, God. Like, I defended Kanye through everything. And now I see it's like people can's like people around me can't curse. I'm a born-again Christian. Oh, you say that? Fuck you.

Fuck off, Kanye. By the way, so you never even put out that album, right? Jesus is King is not. I mean, you can play that game like once or twice. He does that every time now with his album. Yeah. Enough. He hasn't put out?

Yeah. Like three, right? Yeah. Jesus is King is in debt. We used to lead Yondi. Yondi, yeah. Fuck off with your fucking. We'll talk more about it with Jesse Rhodes about cursing.

You can't curse around me. Grow up. Be an adult. Fuck. Shit. Bitch. Cock. Fuck you.

Cunt. Cunt. What up, Vice, KFC, Super Producer, Boston College. I was just listening to the episode that you had chaps on, and somehow you guys started talking about soft dicks, but I've always been a believer that soft dicks are weird. I had a girlfriend for about three years, and she'd still give me shit about putting on boxers after we had sex. I mean, I don't want to look at it.

I know she doesn't want to look at it. Also, it protects against the ass sweat in the middle of the summer that you could possibly leave on her sheet. So I don't know if I'm the asshole or I'm fucking weird, at it. Also, it protects against the ass sweat in the middle of the summer that you could possibly leave on her sheet. So, don't know if I'm the asshole or I'm fucking weird, but anyhow, we appreciate it. Diva. I mean, how do you even call this show thinking that we're going to have any other opinion

other than, like, you're right? You think soft dicks are weird? Yeah. He puts on boxers after sex. Yeah, bro. We cover it up. And he's talking about sweat. I guess there's myriad reasons that maybe there's other benefits of putting on your boxers. See, I like that too. Dropping a myriad is why I'll still say cunt too.

Because guess what? I have a big fucking vocabulary. I talk to people who have big vocabularies. Sometimes I just like to say I fucking swear. Yeah, exactly. I can go both ways. Well, just saying. Sometimes I can slum it.

Other times – and by the way, you'll notice I used properly there, right? Not a myriad. Everyone loves to throw a Z-A in there. Nope, nope, nope. But like, yes, dude. Yeah. Although I think I might be – I guess it depends on who it is. I don't know how much more I have in me to really care if you, like, yeah, my soft dick sucks.

Like, whatever. You know? Yeah. I'm not going to do it on, like, the first night. But, like, I feel like by, like, I don't know. If I reach, like, a third night with someone now, I'm going to be like, I don't know. Fucking whatever, dude.

Yeah. Guess what? It sucks. I guess that's true. But, like. What was that? I don't know what that was. There's, there's like, there's a, really a common ground, a middle ground where you have to be, where like.

You shouldn't be like, my point is that you shouldn't be like. You know, like she sees it, she sees it. Like you can go out of your way to like, hope she doesn't. But it's almost like someone touching your fat where you're like, I know you see it. But it's different when you're feeling it. Yeah, yeah. But now, do you remember? A couple weeks ago, she was like, I would love to play with a soft dick.

What if there's girls out there? What if they all want to do it? And you're the guy who's like, I don't know. Go ahead. Slap it around. Yeah, I've done that. Guess what? It's also not going to be soft for much longer.

You can't play with a soft dick. What does that even fucking mean? Unless you're in Oktoberfest. round yeah i've done guess what it's also not going to be soft for much longer right yeah you can't play with a soft day what does that even fucking mean unless you're in octoberfest otherwise that shit's gonna be yeah no dude put on your boxes whatever you're right i think this guy just wanted to be like told he was right yeah yeah yeah hey kfc fire super producer bc Hey, KFC, Vyant, Super Producer VC. I'm sitting on my couch, not going to the gym. I was wondering if someone could go to the gym for you and you get all the benefits, how much would we pay them an hour and how much for you? Oh, that's great. I need to live in like a black mirror world where this can happen.

Someone works out in the Matrix and I get the benefits and I would pay a hefty sum. What would you realistically pay? Um, uh, like a thousand dollars a month. I don't know. It's enough.

I, I, I'll go higher. I think, I think the price that it would take is not a price I'm willing to pay. Okay. Because you can't. But like, okay.

That's like a nice gym. Well, that's kind of what I was going. There's like the crowd outside is boring. What's happening? I think it's a basketball league out there. Oh, no. I think it's Matt D. Who's Matt D?

Oh, shit. He's in second place at the time. They have 10 laps left. Oh, right, right, right, I think it's Matt D. Who's Matt D? Oh, shit. He's in second place at Talladega with 10 laps left. Oh, right, right, right, right. Our NASCAR car might be winning, and there was a wreck of some sort, it looks like. So we'll keep an eye on that. Seven laps to go here at Talladega. My thought is, like, it's almost like a surrogate, right?

Yeah. So think about this. Kim Kardashian paid someone to carry a human for 50K. I'm willing to pay you 12 in a year to... Okay. Right? Because I'm thinking, I'll cover... That means I'm going to pick a gym rat, right?

You like working out anyway. It's going to be like my benefit somehow. I'll cover your gym costs. I'll cover your clothes. I'll cover some extra, blah, blah, blah. I'm willing to go up to probably double that. But I think if you're going to carry a human for nine months and I'm going to tell you to just work out for nine months, that 12K is not that bad. Yeah, I think you're right.

I think that makes a lot of sense. But I do think that – honestly, it speaks volumes that I think people would view carrying a child as easier than working out. They'd be like, well, all right, 50 to carry a human, 100 for me to work out for you, dude. Fuck out of here. I have to go to the gym every day. Peace out. Now, you like working out, so you'd probably be like, no. I like working out.

I just don't have the – Just don't do it. Yeah, just don't do it. I definitely enjoy the feeling in the gym. Just don't go. Self-masochism beats out the desire. I also like the feeling in the gym. Just don't go. Self-masochism beats out the desire right now. I also like the feeling in a bar. Like that feeling more.

So there we go. All right, next up. What's up, KFC Fight to BC? This is going to be a long voicemail. Just give me a heads up. Anyway, just finished watching Breaking Bad. Maybe not even five minutes ago. And I had to finish this before I called because if not, I was afraid you guys were going to spoil some shit.

But anyway, at season two, I got my girlfriend to watch it. She just started. I was in season two. Not too long. She's called up to me. Called us kind of weird. And then not long after that, she's like almost done. So she tells me she's done this series and it's like an unreal time.

Like way too fast. Asked her how she did it. She was skipping through episodes, watched the first episode of season five, the last season, and then skipped the finale because it was too boring. I just needed to call you guys

and get your take on this shit. Girls can't be trusted. Girls can't be trusted. It's skipping episodes and skipping the finale. I kind of respect it. So it's like cliff notes. Yeah, I mean, that's okay.

For her situation, she just wants to catch up, be caught up with her boyfriend so she can watch El Camino, I guess. Yeah. So in that sense, she's not trying to enjoy it. She just wants to be like, she basically did like a homework assignment for you, bro. Did like a book report to watch a movie with you. I got the gist.

I got the gist. He does math. Exactly. Brakes bad. This guy's good, but not so good. This guy's bad, but not so bad. So I guess, be happy. I got the gist. Right, okay. He does math. Exactly. Breaks bad. This guy's good, but not so good. This guy's bad, but not so bad.

Like, okay, sure. You could do that with pretty much every show, every book, every everything. I mean, I do that with sports all the time now.

Just give me, all right, what happened? All right, they left the reliever in too long. I hit the home run. Okay, I watched the game.

No, I didn't, but I did. Yeah. I wish I did this with Thrones. Yeah, you devoted way too much time to Thrones for a shitty ending. It was like an epic marathon and I definitely could have skipped around. Give me with Thrones. Yeah, you devoted way too much time to Thrones for a shitty ending. It was like an epic marathon, and I definitely could have skipped around.

Give me the highlights. It's one of those things where it's like almost everything in life is a lot of invested time for just these brief moments of payoff. Yeah. And that's the way it is with TV. And rarely is the payoff worth it. Breaking Bad is awesome. that's that's the way it is with tv like you're and rarely is the payoff like breaking breaking bad is awesome but like there are six moments we all talk about well i'm actually thinking now that

you say that like people say sopranos is awesome if i i'm not gonna watch oh look at our car that was that was actually good i don't know if that's good or bad branding so matt d's car just wiped out with six laps to go and like as they were towing it away, his hood was flapped up, and it was just a barstool stool right front and center on NBC. Sopranos, I would have no problem. I read a bunch of recaps. I watched the Pine Barons episode in the finale. I watched that episode.

It was fine. Yeah. If you're not living it in the moment, I can understand being like, whatever, dude. I just wanted to catch up. Are either of you two Sopranos guys? No. I want to know what's. Are either of you two Sopranos guys? No. I want to know what's so amazing about the Pine Barrens episode.

I'm telling you, I bet nothing. I bet you at the time it was a big deal, and now it's like every episode of every TV show is like that. Right. It was like they're just burning in the woods all night. That sounds terrible. Next up. Hey, Brendan, Kevin, John. So I took an Uber home from the bar today.

It should have taken about 10 minutes. It took an hour. I was watching on Google Maps, watching him take the wrong routes. I am much like Flatterberg. I do not like to confront. I don't like confrontation. I thought maybe he was doing a faster route. He was avoiding traffic. But no, he was just fucking going off on his own, doing making money.

I don't know. But at what point do you actually say something to the Uber driver? Well, Brendan, you can answer because he asked you first. At what point would you speak up? I mean, as soon as I realized

we're going the wrong way. Well, like the other day I was coming back from the city. I was on the West Side Highway, and he must have had like avoiding tolls in or something like that, and it was going to take the cross Bronx to get home, and I was like, no, no, no, no.

And it saved me like, it was like a 28-minute difference or something like that. I was like, no, no, get back on. I wasn't going to just sit there to avoid confrontation to have an extra like 30 minutes on my Uber. Now, I will also just like look down at my

phone and be on twitter and not realize yeah i wouldn't know where are we but yeah i mean that the only thing is that i like caught him doing it i was like we shouldn't be getting off yet why are we getting off oh wait no way would you just sit there and let him go the wrong way i wouldn't know i would i've only lived in new york three years so i don't know how to get in boston or whatever would you be like no no i'll take this i still don't really know how to get around Boston. Would you be like, no, no, no, I'll take this route. I still don't really know how to get around Boston either. But if you think it's going to take you 10 minutes, and then it's 20, and then it's 30, that's when I would start checking in. Maybe at that point it's too late, but like, I don't know.

I think when you get in, a good Uber driver should be like, I don't know, which way you want to go almost. I feel like it's like, let me put it in my phone. Because I just don't trust your GPS. I know it's the same thing. I'm going to put it in mine. But my phone says we're going to do that. It is so crazy how, like, as a society, we are human beings.

Still, we're such cocky, stubborn assholes. I had a little heartburn there. We're such cocky, stubborn assholes that we just still think we're smarter than technology. Yeah, you're the guy who doesn't listen to GPS or whatever, right? No, I just don't listen to Waze. Got it. And yes, I'm part of the problem. But just everything, we're like, I don't know if that's right.

It's a fucking computer in my hand. It knows, dude. It's right. It's using satellites in outer space. It's, dude. It's right. Using satellites in outer space. It's asking space. Yeah. It's part of it. Right.

Dude, it's, it's, it's crazy. And like, that's been like a joke since the office. Right. It says,

go right. It's not this right. Right. And it's like, we're still like, I don't know if this is the way I'd go. Well, I don't care.

It's the way Steve jobs is going to go. So it's the way I'm going to do. I will take the road that Steve jobs takes every single goddamn time dad okay yeah that's usually what it is it's an older guy who's like no it can't be can't possibly be did i told you at the time when my mom and her sisters uh they go to a lot of broadway shows that come down for him and so she had my mom was driving and she doesn't use a phone while she drives or anything like that right oh yeah yeah you told us yeah and then her sister who's sitting shotgun doesn't have a phone and other sister in the back fell asleep and they my that sister eventually woke up she's like we're

in maryland delaware i think my mom was like yeah I thought I might have missed an exit. You missed three states? Dumb and dumber shit right there, man. Unreal. Jax, can't watch TV or navigate. Last Voice of the Day is brought to you by Thursday Boots. Shout out to Thursday. You know we're down with them. We've designed a couple in the past.

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Last voicemail. What do we got? Hey, Kevin. Hi. Hi. Super producer BC. First time, long time. So I was listening to an older episode where a girl called in saying that she had a sex dream with KFC in it.

I have also had multiple dreams with KFC being involved. So it's nice to know I'm not that fucked up in the head. Hey, that's fucked up. Before this gets to your ego, Kevin, my question for you guys is, what's the weirdest sex dream you've ever had? All right, Steve. You ever have a gay sex dream? No. What?

Have you? Yeah, sure. Have you? Not like in detail, like fucking a guy, but yeah, sure. I don't know. I mean, I think you know. No. I'm saying as I say it now, I've never been like dreaming or like fucking a guy, but I feel like I've had a dream where I was gay.

I don't know. I haven't had a guy, but I feel like I've had a dream where I was gay. I don't, I, I, I haven't had a lot of dreams. I had that. I had a stint. You don't have any dreams. I had a stint where I had,

uh, a lot of them, like three. You ever have an incest dream? You ever fuck a cousin in your dream? No. You ever, uh,

you ever kill somebody in a dream? No. I, I have a pretty boring dream. Pretty boring dream life. You've only had like four in your whole life. I know. I'm trying to think.

I haven't really had a fucked up dream, I don't think. Maybe I have. I've forgotten the dreams I had. But no, I've never had... In more ways than one. I've never had... It's funny because it's true and it hurts. I've never... I've definitely never had a gay one. Who did you have a gay dream with that's what i mean it wasn't like a specific thing but i feel

like i've definitely been gay in my dreams we're practically gay in real life yeah no i guess that's why i don't have to dream it i'm just pretty much do it all the time pretty much just talked about how we want to blow coke off a hard dick we. We're getting our words. We're getting our thoughts. What would be the weirdest? I had a dream once where I was fucking like an alien. I just. Oh, there's our guy. Matty T.

Guys in good spirits. The. Still alive and good to go. I had the dream. It was like her vagina like came out. And then like. That's weird. Like.

I was going to say. If you're just like fucking a green woman, whatever. No, no, no. Tentacle pussy. He was a human woman. But he just had like a like a thing came out of her and like that's what it was like almost like a it almost looked like um you see when planes planes refuel yeah and like that's kind of what their the vagina was got it it was like a reverse it was like the vagina had a boner yeah and it but it like came out just because it was like a reverse. It was like the vagina had a boner. Yeah, but it came out. It was long, and it looked like the Stranger Things head.

Yeah. And it just kind of like got on my dick, and that was it. It's a good dream. I hope I have one tonight like that. I mean, on that note, we should probably get into Jessa Rhodes. Yeah. Yeah. Jessa first, then Joe Coy.

We'll save Joe for the finale. Jessa Rhodes talking about being a hooker is wild. I'm just going to flat out tell you, we had a hooker on the show today. Awesome girl. Great. Open, honest, some crazy shit. It takes a lot to make us. I was a little uncomfortable.

I know. I don't know where to go. That was like the first time ever you didn't know where to go, and I kind of got to. I mean, 10 times interview. I don't know where to go. Yeah. At one point, I literally pushed my chair back, and I I was like, I'm gonna let you two do your thing. So, uh, Jessa Rhodes is brought to you by the farmer's dog.

Uh, you got a, she's a big pet person. She's got a couple of dogs, got a snake. That took us by surprise. You know, it shouldn't have, but yeah, we should have seen that coming, but she's got a dog. She's a dog owner. You're so many dog owners here in the Barstool community. Uh uh and so your dog's health is just as important as yours and the humans around you and so why do you give them processed burnt brown kibble for every meal switch over to the farmer's dog it's real food cooked fresh delivered right to your door it's

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for 50% off. I have to say though, fuck is one of my favorite words because there's so many different ways you could say it. Fuck! It's a verb, it's a noun, it's an everything. I don't want to be smacking like a cow.

It means... I am a lady, I swear. Just put it right there. Put it on the wall. Put it on the wall. Yeah. That'll be your contribution. Jessarose brought through her chewed up gum.

I'll tell you what. We're going to sell that on eBay. I'll probably get like thousands of dollars. Please don't. My DNA is on that. People get weird. I promise I'll hang on to your DNA.

Don't worry about it. No, but we're actually like, I've done that as I've kind of lived life. When I was younger, I didn't swear in front of my parents and they were in town

this weekend and I was like, just let it completely fly. I still don't curse in front of my parents. I'm a pussy. See, in fact, you know what's happened

is they've come towards me where now they curse too. Where it was like, they never swore or anything like that and now it's like, yeah, it is fucking crazy. Well, in fact, you know what's happened is they've come towards me. Right now, they curse, too. Where it was like, they never swore or anything like that. Now it's like, yeah, it is fucking crazy. Well, because as a kid, of course, they want to set a better example for you. Right. There's very few things I won't do in front of my parents these days, apparently. And hallucinogens are one of them.

Hallucinogens, huh? Yeah, I started, I shroomed with my parents the other day. Wow. Well, it was a couple weeks ago. How'd that go? It was amazing. They didn't do it with me. But I've been using it as a way to deal with trauma

and addiction and things like that. And so they hung out with me while I tripped for eight hours. That must be an eight-hour trip with your parents just hanging. It was pretty cool. I was so scared to do that. What do I do when I'm I've never really tripped. In Oregon, we're like dirty hippies. So I basically

rolled around in the grass and gardened with my mom and talked to the plants while she was like – at one point it was funny because I had like a – I told her, I was like, if I laugh, if I cry, if I throw up, just whatever, it's going to happen. Like just that's what's supposed to happen. And at one point, like – because I was dealing with some emotional stuff. I'm like talking and I'm like, God, please just like – you know what I'm dealing with? Like just take it, blah, blah, blah. And I'm sobbing, like snot coming out my nose.

And she's sitting behind me and like at one point she goes hey honey who are you talking to and i turn around and i'm like bitch i'm talking to god and we just started laughing i've never called my mom bitch before but it was so funny she was just like okay whatever but uh yeah it was it was an interesting that's uh that's uh that's one to check off the list like my my brother my mom and i and my dad we like we instantly got closer. It was really cool. Congrats on cursing in front of your parents. Yeah. We're doing a whole show of kids over here.

Oh, God. Knew that was going to happen. So, you were in town this weekend out on Long Island, right? I was. Dancing? If you want to call it that. Yeah. So, we used to, Asa Akira used to be a co-host on our show. That's right. I love Asa. Yeah, like, dancing. She's like, I put on Biggie, like, dance around for a little bit, So we used to Asa Akira used to be a co-host on our show and she was like yeah like

dancing she's like I put on like Biggie like dance around for a little bit like show my asshole and get off stage. I was like okay

I mean whatever works. Is that something like is that just like you know pay the bills you want to do it? No it's really fun. I started stripping

when I was like 16 actually and it's just something that I've always liked doing. I love 80s rock so play some Molly Cruz What's your go go-to song oh pour some sugar on me some sweet cherry pie yeah the hits the classics if i was a stripper i'd go with those two that would work that would work but what was the vibe like that was the crowd oh it was amazing gossips always are really cool i like it because it's very diverse like you've got your older couples, you've got swingers, you've got bikers,

you've got the white-collar crowd, the 21-year-olds. Can you tell all that when you're looking at someone? Oh, yeah. Like, that's a swinger couple. I'm really good at reading a room. You'll tip well, you won't tip well. Full disclosure, I used to be, let's call it what it is, I used to be a hooker. So I'm very open.

I like your style. I'm very honest. I'm in a much different place in life now, so we can look back on things and laugh. But part of that job actually really helped me start learning people, signals, body language,

things like that, because you get to know someone within an hour, or the second they walk in the room, you have to figure out, does this person want me to be smart? Do they want me to be funny? Do they want me to shut the fuck up? Do they want me to? So yeah, you kind of learn, learn who your, your audience is very quickly. That's a fucking, I would, I would imagine that's a very important skill. Do they want to kill me?

The most important skill. I wasn't even thinking, you're like, do they want me to be smart? Do they want me to be funny? I'm like, do they want to murder me? Should I fear for my life right now? Do I have to call for help? Got a little bit of crazy in their eye. What do I do?

It's me they should be scared of. When was that? I'm just kidding. I don't think you are. I respect that. I'm going to laugh like it's a joke, but I don't think it is. What are you going to do? No, that was years ago.

It was probably four or five years ago. You get in the industry. You try things out you figure out if it's for you or not and you kind of is that that's like

I almost like more escort rather than you were like a hotel bar I laugh about it it's like when girls are like I'm a dancer

I'm like honey you're a stripper like let's be real you can sugarcoat it all no it was it was very high end yeah right you weren't hanging out

at like the holiday inn trying to get some guy in town on an insurance trip. No, no. I've heard some. I don't know. My clients were the type that paid me to not say anything. Yeah, you paid for the discretion, right?

Yeah, exactly. Anyway, who were they? I was going to say. Who were they? Right, we're not there anymore. No, but it was a cool time in my life. I'm happy that chapter is closed and I've moved on. What percentage of the adult industry would you say does that?

A high percentage. Yeah, it's pretty common. Why not, right? You're getting paid for sex or you're getting paid for sex. It doesn't really matter. It's like that Family Guy episode where he comes in with the video camera and suddenly it's okay. Anyone who's like, oh, well there's no paperwork. Well, fuck you.

As long as you're being safe about it, that's all that matters. So yet at the same time, you were like, you don't want to do that anymore. After a while, it's just like, you tick things off your box

and you get used to it. Just figuring out what works for you and what doesn't. I think I'd be an escort if I could. Yeah. I think I'd give it a try. How much,

let's say, how much did you make on like a Friday night? That would depend. I'm going to give it a crack. How much, let's say, how much did you make on a Friday night? That would depend. I'm going to say yes really fast. Yeah, I'd do it. On a good, like if you walked out being like, all right, that was worth it. That was a good night.

How much are we talking? 10 grand for a couple hours. Yeah, I'm doing that. Heartbeater. I mean. So fucking fast. And I would work around the clock

right I'd be like let's get an 18 hour shift in seriously that is and I know you're not gonna

give me names so are we talking like just rich people or are we talking like famous people that other people will know yeah

how I fuck famous people for money I'll do that I'll fucking do it when I think about it there's girls fucking them for free

right so right like don't hate the player hate the game how awesome is that to think that like I'll fucking do it when I think about it there's girls fucking them for free right so right like don't hate the player hate the game how awesome is that to think that like

I'm so hot and so good at this that people are gonna pay me this much that's gotta be a huge ego boost no you know it's

I don't know for me honestly it got a little weird because truth be told the reason I quit was because of the emotional like I never lied to them. I was very upfront, very honest.

Like, you have me for this amount of time. Like, I was never rude. But, like, there would come a point where their emotions would kind of get involved because, you know, you're cool. You hang out. You get to know each other and all this stuff. But I never wanted to be that person that let anybody on, that, you know, mess with anyone's emotions. I would imagine that's a tough. But that was the hard part for me was like

taking on their emotions and then having them get attached and then having them think that like we're potentially going to be dating or something like that

so that was kind of for me like where I had to cut it off and be like you know. Did you ever was it always like business or did you ever start to feel

for anybody? No. Was there any pretty woman moments? No. No unfortunately my life is not an 80s movie.

I wish it was. I wish there was a boy outside of my lawn with speakers. Please. No, unfortunately, my life is not an 80s movie. I wish it was. I wish there was a boy outside of my lawn with speakers. Please, dear God. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah, you better be careful. Right? But on to other topics of conversation.

That's in the past. I'm about to no longer be a Cowboys fan. Whoa! I'm so serious, you motherfuckers. I'm so disappointed in yesterday's game. My TV was verbally defecated on. I did not see that coming.

Kevin's a Jets fan. I almost didn't come today. I'm not gonna lie. I would have respected that. I've never had somebody cancel because the team lost. I would actually like that. You're have respected that. I've never had somebody cancel because the team lost. I would actually like that. You're not even in our division, bro. You're not even in our division.

That was embarrassing. How did you end up being a Cowboys fan? 13. I was a cheerleader. That makes sense. That'll do it. Yep. That'll do it.

That'll do it. That was pretty much as bad as it gets. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. You know what sucks is like I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, it's halftime. We always come back in the third quarter.

We always come back in the third quarter. You didn't make a comeback. We did. And then we didn't. And I was like, fuck this. I'm getting ready for dinner. I didn't even watch the end of the game. I was so disappointed.

Is that your team? Yeah. You like other sports or just football? I like UFC, things like that. But more, have you ever watched Australian football? No. What? Jessa Rhodes, are you dropping Australian football on us right now?

I'm in over my depth. I don't know. It is the most intense sport I have ever watched. Is it like rugby? Dude, it's like rugby, soccer, and football mixed. Like, there are no rules. These guys are like colliding in the sky. How did you get into Australian

football? I have a lot of Australian friends why? because they're awesome I agree with that wholeheartedly but like where do you find a bunch of Australian people? The bar put you in a fucking wrestle on that one bud you dumbass

where do you think you fucking idiot where do you think, you fucking idiot? Where do you find Australians? Australia. I couldn't even fathom vacation and stuff like that. I was like, well, you live in Vegas. Most of my Australian friends are with Thunder Down Under.

Thunder from Down Under, the Australian stripper group. Oh, I know that. They're all cool, but the legal drinking age in australia is like nine years old so yeah i didn't even think there was a bar would have been a good a good idea but uh no they're pretty cool but yeah australian football is definitely something to check out if you like high impact sports uh here comes aria surprise surprise yeah aria tends to come around when we have pretty girl guests. Oh, hey. Hey. Australia,

number one accent, you think? If you had to have an accent, two questions. If you had to have an accent, and what accent do you like on a guy? You look Australian. You should just start talking in an Australian accent. You could pull that off. I could, possibly. We'll see. Good day. No, don't say it. Give me your best one. Come on, possibly. We'll see. Good day. No, don't say... Give me your best...

Come on, you got friends. Good day. Don't say put another shrimp on the barbie because they don't say that. The best way to describe it is when people start to try to talk Australian but then they go British. What you have to remember is

Australians tend to go up at the end of every sentence because they're all too insecure to make a statement. There you go. It just goes like, yeah. That too. They sing. They sing their words. they're all too insecure to make a statement. There you go. It just goes, yeah. That too. They sing. They sing their words. Yeah, they sing, and they say heaps a lot.

Like a lot. You're really, really good at this. This is amazing. Yo, you should just make this your thing. I'm Australian now. You know, when I used to drink, I'm actually two months sober. Woo-hoo. The world is better off because of it.

When I used to drink, you know how there's always bar, bar, bar in casinos? My friends and I would go from one to another to another and I would do a different accent at each one and convince people I was from different places. And then randomly in the conversation I would start talking like myself again and they'd be super confused. There was that chick on The Bachelor. She rolled up and pretended to be Australian.

Got all the attention she wanted. The whole time? I think she only made it the first episode or whatever. But she went viral and everything and she was like the whole time no I mean I think she only made it like the first episode or whatever but like she went viral and everything and she was like yeah I just did it for fun and of course

people were like she's lying this is for fun I like to do things for a laugh though like shock value I can imagine I can imagine

that's it comes in handy my girlfriend and I were shopping for it was a like a Valentine's Day shoot I was doing or whatever

and we're at Target more fancy you know and my shopping cart is full of candles. White candles, all different size, shapes, whatever. And she's dressed in black because she's like goth and that's what she does. I just happen to be dressed in black

because that was just the mood I was in. And these two elderly ladies are walking past us and they're looking at the shopping cart like all confused. So I was like, oh, ding, ding, moment. So I was like, oh, hey, Heather, don't forget. Like we have to get the salt for the pentagram. We need to make sure we get a perfectly sharpened knife. Did you contact that virgin about our

date tonight? And also, remember the Dark Lord is going to be very disappointed if we forget that blah blah blah. And the lady just looked at us like what the fuck is happening right now? It was incredible. Yeah. Shock value is always important. I would imagine that you can do stuff like that pretty often.

Shock value, thanks. Try to. Yeah, well you're around naked people a lot. I would imagine that like you can do stuff like that pretty often shock value things try to yeah well you're around naked people a lot in your line of work there's shock value there's a lot of opportunity

to pull up the shock value I don't embarrass easily so if I sense the insecurity on someone I will totally take advantage of that moment you can smell the fear

yeah I smell the fear my favorite is causing a fight in like the dairy aisle of like a smith's what? yeah dairy aisle of, like, a Smith's. What? Yeah, like, there'll be, like, a family there, and I'll go for the ice cream, and my boyfriend's like, do you really need that?

And I'll be like, yeah, you know what? Because I started eating my problems. I wouldn't have done that had you not fucked my sister. Oh! Yeah. It's great. It's great. Yeah, I'm sure he loves it.

I'm sure he fucking loves it. He hates it. How long have you been with him? Not that long. How does that work? It's good. Yeah? We don't talk relationships on this stuff.

I don't have a boyfriend. What are you talking about? Never, never, never. That's all we do here. Let's talk about you, Kevin. Let's talk about you. Oh, sure. Shall we?

The Jets won. Hey. The Jets are good. I knew that was going to happen. So what's next? What's cooking right now? Aside from my insides from drinking way too much coffee this morning. Jesus Christ.

I had like a triple shot of espresso and I'm feeling it right now. Fuck coffee. I was dead to the world this morning though. Like I've been battling a little head cold the last two days because I haven't been sleeping for shit like the last two weeks. It's go, go, go, which is good. It's productive. But yeah, so I definitely was like practically slammed that hug.

Don't do coffee. It's so good. No, it's not. If you're going to be sober, you might as well give up the coffee too. Just clean living. How are you going to live in Vegas sober? Is that going to be a fucking nightmare? No, not really. I feel like it's like that statement, the closer you are to danger, the farther you are from harm. I don't know if I've heard that, but I like it.

Tattoo. I don't know if it makes sense. It does. No, I get it, but it's also like I also have a phrase. I don't think it makes any sense. I have another phrase. It's fucking annoying to be sober around drunk people. It is.

And everyone's drunk to make it. I live 12 miles off the strip, so it's fairly easy to get it. Oh, okay, so you're not like in the heat of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually probably pretty peaceful, right? Yeah. Especially when you're in the lifestyle. I'm in clubs every single weekend.

Nice. You see how dumb drunk people are and you don't want to be that. Yeah. I wasn't allowed into a strip club this Saturday. Oh! Yes! Okay, let's dive into that. What did you do?

I heard you were on one. I was just so drunk. I didn't get in. It was just like, no, dude, you can't come in here. I wasn't inside causing a scene. It was just... What time of night? What time of night? I wasn't like inside causing a scene. It was just – What time of night?

What time of night? I don't know, probably 4 a.m., 3 a.m. in the morning. What were you drinking? What's your drink of choice? Just straight whiskey. And then so I went back to the bar. Probably by that point you were drinking, I mean, all of it. Did you start at like 11 a.m.?

Weren't you out like all day and night? Jesus, are you half Australian? What? Oh, my God. I was – no, Saturday – yeah, Saturday was – yeah, I probably started at about What? Good God. Um, I was, what is it? No, Saturday,

yeah, Saturday, yeah, I probably started about 11 a.m. Yeah. Went to, went to four.

So we're talking like a, like a 14 hour. Yeah, it's like a full day of just drinking. Tell me you drink water like in between. No.

I can drink a lot. It's pretty good. He can put them away. I'm a good drinker. What's your, you look, you look like you're Scottish or Irish.

Yeah. Oh, well, it's in the blood. It's Irish, mostly. There you go. Now, that's your superpower. Did you even put up a fight, or were you like, yep?

No, understood. I'm a great drunk because I never cause a scene. I don't get in fights or anything like that. And it's just like, someone's like, hey, you're being an asshole. I'm like, you're right. Yep, okay, I'm going to go home now. It just takes one person to highlight. No, that's really good, though.

Most people are not like that. Yeah, I would have loved to see that bouncer just be like. Okay, what's your club, though? It was Rick's. Oh, Rick's Covered? Yeah, 33rd and Broadway. Fine establishment. Did you do something else?

I don't know. I feel like I just started noticing it recently, which is probably why I was like. I mean, Rick's has been around for a while. I don't know if there's like a new one or whatever, but that's very funny. Because I know they just bought out a place in... I want to say it was Blush in Pittsburgh. I think it's now Rick's too.

Which, don't ever go there. Oh. Yikes. Yeah, they suck. That's tough. How annoying are drunk people at strip clubs? Like drunk guys at strip clubs. Actually, it helps me release some of my rage.

What? Yeah. You beat them up? I would not like to be receiving ads. I slapped three people this weekend. What? Like hard. Oh, yeah.

Really? I love it. I love it. I'm like, just give me a reason. Honestly, though, the problem is like they probably did too. They were probably like, yes. I'm not going to lie. When I was in Tampa recently at the dollhouse.

Ah, I forget. Tampa. Tampa. It's a show. Florida is like the taint of America. You go there, you party, you have a good time, and then you get the fuck out. You know? Spit on it a little, rub it the right way.

I was just going to say, I just spill all over myself. Yes! I was going to say, is that what you do with taints? And then you went further into it. Oh, yeah. A little rub it the right way. No, my friend and I like to call it the slap heard around the world. Because basically this kid, like, I'll give someone fair warning.

But I'm, like, bent over in front of this kid. Like, they're, like, 21-year-olds, you know. And he's like, Jess, I'm going to smack your ass. And I turn around and I was like, if you smack me, I'll smack you. You know, that type of thing. And he, like, evidently didn't hear me. Because then he went with the dollar bill, but, like, aggressively. And so I turned around, and it was right when the beat dropped.

And I went, boom! Smacked him so hard across the face. Like, when he came to get a photo, half his face was completely red. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He still came back for a photo with you? So what happened was, he gets smacked, and then instantly the whole room goes, and he just starts smiling. He was like, oh my god, that was so, I'm so sorry.

He was like, I'm so sorry, but that was so worth it. And I was like, all right, dickhead, just don't do it again, whatever. But normally people are pretty, dude, it was pretty bad. Because I think, well, that was before I quit drinking, so I had had a few tequilas. That'll do it. So that was number one of the night. They're pretty chill.

What about the other two? What? No, that was a while ago. Oh no, that was this weekend. This weekend there was a couple, but they were,

yeah, I mean, they're harmless. It's just a matter of like, you have to put the first one in check who does it, because then if you don't, yeah, because if you don't,

everyone else does it, and you're just like, that makes sense. I'll tell you what, if I saw, like you put $2 in my G-string, you're just like... That makes sense. I'll tell you what, if I saw... Like, you put $2 in my G-string. You think that's okay? No.

Like, give me a hundo. Let's talk about it later. I'm like, I don't negotiate here. Right. If I saw a stripper smack someone in the face, I'd be like, I'm going to the back. Oh, I would. You know, I watch from a distance. I'm a distance guy anyway.

I'm not good at being in strip clubs. Oh, you're my favorite. I'm I'm not good at being in strip clubs. Oh, you're my favorite. I'm like, why? Super uncomfortable in strip clubs. Not like uncomfortable, but it's just like, yeah, uncomfortable. Sure. Not like. I actually, I've never been in there with you.

I just say that knowing you. Yeah. I'm like, I don't know. I just, I get nervous. So I usually just sit in the back anyway. I don't. How do you, okay, so like from a guy's perspective, like how do you feel about your friends spending money at strip clubs?

How do I feel about it? Yeah. Because, like, as a girl, even as the consumer of said cash, I get really frustrated if I find out my... Like, I'll go to a strip club

and spend money on girls because I feel like what goes around comes around. But if my guy friends go and pay for dances, I'm like... Why?

Because you're paying for blue balls. That's not a rational thing to do. I know that, like, that, yes, that's kind of the take. But also, I mean, you're paying to have a pretty girl, like, naked in front of you. If you like that, you like that. It's their money. That's true.

That's true. You know what? I got nothing. I got nothing. I think it depends on who you are. Because there are certain guys who probably aren't going to get that unless they have a boy. That's true. It is wildly stupid.

Do you find most people in strip clubs are of the need to pay variety or just like regular time? I feel like it's a good mix. Yeah.

Yeah. The need to pay I try to stay away from. Yeah. I think it's probably pretty smart. They usually have bad hygiene

and like to yeah, no, no. And then you have those athletes. You gotta find that nice balance of like you're pretty desperate but clean. You've showered They usually have bad hygiene and like to, yeah, no, no. And then you have those. You've got to find that nice balance of like, you're pretty desperate, but clean. You've showered, but you don't get any pussy. If the only thing I can smell on you is desperation, we're good. Let's go.

So John once had a stripper fall in love with him. She gave me her number. Did she tell you she was in love with you? No, no, no, no. Did she also tell you that she liked pigeons because you liked pigeons? Have you seen that stand-up? No.

Strippers will agree with anything you say. Just get it out there. No, this was the real deal. She was coming up to him. So she came up to me, and we were at a strip club, and we were at Sapphire. Sapphire here?

Yeah. And she came up to me, and she was like, where do I know you from? I was like, I don't know, you know, whatever. Oh, you're being modest. Stop it. And the guys across the bar were like, I don't know.

And they were sending her shots, and then she came running over after, and was like, I knew I knew you from somewhere. You're the guy on Facebook. And it was like one of the least things I do here where it's just like quick little commentaries

but I guess she liked those videos. And she came up to me at the end of the night. She was smitten. And was like, I'm so sorry I didn't get to hang out with you tonight but here's my number.

Can you call tomorrow or whatever? Aww. And I never called her. But, uh... So that was the end of that story. Such an asshole. It was, yeah. I got nervous right

now do you have her number we should call her right now how long ago is this two years yeah it's a long time let's call it's uh like 12 30 let's do it please pick up please pick up she's got you stored No doubt I'm not talking to her You're talking to her Yeah you have to go Oh fuck

I'll set it up I can't talk to her as As Rose I gotta I'll talk to her as Janice Janice is my alter ego No wait We can't prank call her

You have to actually call her No I'm not actually doing that Oh you're terrible That's just Cause see that's just mean If You have to actually call her. Oh, I'm not actually doing that. Oh, you're terrible. Because, see, that's just mean. If it's coming from me, that's just mean. I'm not. I don't want to. I have a girlfriend now.

I'm not trying to go out with Jacqueline. Oh, but you remember her name. I have it in my phone. I have it there. I have a Jacqueline Sapphire. Okay, so let's play this. That's not her stage name, though. Let's play this game right now.

What's the worst name you've put somebody in your phone as? Because, like, I do the same thing. Like, if I... There's so many Toms, right? There's so many whatever. So I always put, like, a little memo next to it. Stick to your phone. I don't think I do that.

I usually go, like, first and last name most of the time. Oh, you're so professional. I'll do, like... Even, like, I will put in a last name, which is, like you're so professional i'll do like even even like i will put in a last name which is like a drug dealer too like i have like you just fake last names um i don't really think i have anything incredible crazy nothing too bad i don't look i wouldn't even know how to do it like i wouldn't even know what to look for i start to wipe people from my memory bank and i just put do not answer. That solves that problem.

I have John Cameras. I don't know. That's probably a guy who works here. John Cameras. Hey, Johnny Cameras. That's got to be John Kelly, right? Oh, my God. Yeah, probably.

You could have just put John Kelly, but John Cameras instead. I have Laney Cool Jacket. Wow. That's a new one. And knowing you, you were probably like, I love that girl. She had a cool jacket. She hady cool jacket. Wow. That's a new one. And knowing you, you were probably like, I love that girl. She had a cool jacket. She had a cool jacket. I want to marry her.

She had a great jacket on. Oh, my gosh. Very funny. Incredible. Incredible. So back to Vegas after this trip? Yes. Back to Vegas tonight.

I'm actually going to be on Andrew Schultz's podcast. Oh, you're going on Schultz's podcast. You know, I figured I'd make my rounds. Yeah, no. It was a really good weekend. Now I'm back home to bed for like a day and a half, and then I go to Tampa. Wait, that's crazy.

Yeah. Why don't you just go to Tampa? It doesn't make any sense. Because I have dogs and a snake that needs to be fed. A snake? You're a snake girl? I would have never done this interview if I knew you had a snake. I would have said no from the fucking jump.

What? Why? Get away. Get out. Get out. I should have known you're a snake girl. Get out. Okay, is now a bad time to tell you I used to have a tarantula named Sebastian?

Out. Out. What was it named? Sebastian. Sebastian the tarantula. Get out! No, I've got, I have a husky and a Pomeranian at home that need to go out. Doesn't matter, your snake's

gonna eat them one day. No, no. I can't wait. She did get out though, recently. Is it like 10 feet tall? No, she's a baby. She's like, she's a boa. She's gonna grow to? Yeah, 10 feet, yeah. Oh my god. She's dope. I hate to say this. When I used to go to bars, I'd take her and just put her on my neck and people would come up and be like, that's a cool necklace.

Oh, shit. Her tongue starts going. That's absurd. That's absurd. They're sweet. They're really sweet animals. They're not. Yes, they are.

They're killers. No, they're not. When you think about animals, we're the only mammal that kills for pleasure or selfish need. All animals only kill to feed themselves. So, for instance, they only kill when they have to. Like, I don't know, maybe if someone is crapping them in a house and making them live in a fucking cage where they're supposed to be in the goddamn

South American jungles or some shit. No! No, she's good. She only eats, like, once a week. I hope that you don't get eaten. I'm not, like, I'm not even scared of snakes or anything like that. I'm just scared of snake girls. Why? You guys are terrifying. And, like, of course you are. Now that I see you scared of snake girls anyone why you guys are terrifying and like of course you are now that I see you

I get it like of course makes perfect sense of course you have a snake like Jessie Rose is here she has a snake I mean if anything horrible ever happens

just wait till you meet my other six personalities yeah guess what I got nine more so we'll see who we'll go to fucking war this right here let's walk no Kevin's like I'm out I'm gonna take my one personality I got nine more, so we'll see who... We'll go to fucking war. This right here.

Kevin's like, I'm out. I'm going to take my one personality and be over here. And you guys can have my day. He's Switzerland. He's just like, no, we're good. If anything does happen, though, with the snake, God forbid. But would you be like, well, I guess that's what happens when you own a ten-foot fucking bow. Like, sometimes they might chew you up.

What, would she eat my five pounds of fury? My Pomeranian? Yeah, like that could very well happen. I would bet money on Hendrix. The dog? I would not. I will tell you what. She's a feisty little one, man. She's got the heart of a lion. It's got the mouth of a snake.

It does do a thing. Watching her eat is really cool though. Watching her snake eat? Unhinges the jaw and stuff? Yeah, it's pretty cool. it does it does do a thing watching her eat is really cool though that's terrifying watching her the snake eat I love it unhinges the jaw and stuff yeah

it's pretty cool I can see that being cool like mice you go get the mice that's so weird come on that's so weird don't act like that's not weird

you can like it but don't act like I'm weird for being weird okay that's fucking weird so you wake up in the morning and you just like dangle a fucking mouse

by a fucking tail and feed it every morning starts with I'm going to torture this tiny animal now yeah you know what's funny is they don't even see it coming

they'll walk right up to her face sniff it turn around start washing itself I mean the worst part is her strangling it but yeah

yeah I'd say so yeah I'd say the slow torturous death it happens so fast like they don't see it coming so I can't feel bad it's the food chain man I personally don't can't feel bad. It's the food chain, man.

I personally don't eat meat. You're going to be on the food chain. No. And that snake eats you? You know what I'm going to say? That's the food chain, man. That's the fucking food chain. I wake up one night and my arms just...

Nervous. I'm nervous, too. Let's go to H&M. I'm sweating because I drank so much coffee today. I'm visibly shaking. We're going to go answer weird questions. I need to go on a treadmill like now. Let's go.

All right. Big thank you to Jessa. Although, I mean, I really would have said no if I knew she was a snake owner. That's fucking crazy. But be on the lookout for her ATI as well. And I would have sex with people for way less than $10,000. Way, way, way less. I mean, I'd have sex with people for free.

I would pay them. Yeah, I'd pay Jessa for $10,000. Way, way, way less. I mean, I'd have sex with people for free. I would pay them. Yeah, I'd pay Jessarone $10,000. When it comes to sex, yeah, I'm like the Feidelberger negotiating, like, no, no, no, I'll pay you for this. But that must be kind of weird, right? Like, when you just have sex with somebody just because you like them, you're like, I like you $10,000 worth. Yeah, I definitely haven't had $10,000 sex with many people.

I've had it with zero people. I've had it a couple times. All right, let's get into Joe Coy. Monster global phenomenon now. Joe Coy selling out the forum. Netflix special is out. And he's an asshole. Fuck Joe Coy.

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Right now. Are you serious? Fucking now. Do we throw on the headsets or no? Nope. Not for you, man. You guys are pros. Not for you, dude.

You guys are pros. You really are. Look how bad I am. I'm still doing... Yeah, like, are you like 200 years old? You're like sitting there and you can't go away? Oh, I got the bad eyes. I can't wait for your eyes to go. I really can't. How old are you now? Like 60?

Can I curse? I can't wait for your fucking eyes to go. I'm serious. You young fuckers with your good eyes. I can't wait for you to do this. What's the 20, Joe Coy? eyes. I can't wait for you to do this. 2020, Joe Coy. I can't wait for you to use 300 size font. Dude, I was looking at it. So my parents were in town this weekend.

Yeah. And my mom got a text from me at dinner last night. Yeah. And I was just like, Jesus fucking Christ. I had no idea how old. It was like a sobering moment for me. I was like, Jesus Christ, my parents are really old. Oh, they're going to die soon.

Mom's going to be dead soon. Mom can't see her phone anymore. Yeah, it's done. You know what's funny is we don't think that that, okay, we forget what regular font size is. We think the font that we're using is regular size. So we're texting people. So when people are behind us, they can literally read our text. But we think that it's like,

oh, you can't see this. This is small font. But it's literally giant-sized font letters. Her text is so big that when she opens... It's like one word per screen. You have to scroll to see a single text. It's like, hey, what's up? We're here. And that doesn't fit on a line.

I think I'd just give up the phone. I'd be like, I'm just on text. I can't We're here. And that doesn't fit on a line. I think I'd just give up the phone. I think I'd be like, I just don't text. I can't use this anymore. This device doesn't work. My son always makes fun of how I text. He's like, how much longer, Tad? How much longer is it going to take you to say, are you hungry? How old is he?

My son's 16. Yeah. He's a dick. He's a dick, man. They don't care at all, bro. It's got to be scary. The love and all that, he doesn't. Fuck off.

Nah, fuck off, dad. You're the same, though, right? I always think about that. I was kind of the same. No, it was different because my mom and dad were divorced, so I was feeding that male figure. So when my mom started dating my stepdad now, I was like, I couldn't get enough of him. Because he played sports.

You just liked him, man. Yeah, I loved him, man. We watched sports together. I was feeding that. But my son is just like, dude, when are you leaving, dad? Get the fuck out of here, dude. Yeah, dad, is there a gig you need to go to? Aren't you on a world tour now?

Can you go overseas, please? Hey, Dad, I booked you on something. Like, he books my gigs. Just get the fuck out of here. What? That's funny shit, man. What's the worst part of getting old? That.

Yeah? That, realizing. Your eyes or your kids hating you? Yeah, both. The worst part of getting old is, because I'm a parent, the worst part is every year that he's a sophomore, and now he's a junior. And now I'm realizing he's about to become a senior, which means that now he's an adult.

Oh, yeah. Now he's got to make that decision. Do I go to college? Do I get a regular job? It's crazy to me that this is a reality now. Yeah. I would guess the paying for the college is going to be the worst. I don't give a shit.

I'm rich. But look. Did you pay for mine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got some kids coming out too. Done. Done. Listen.

I got you. World tour, selling out the forum. You kind of do have enough to got me. So let's stop joking around. Why don't you give me like 50 grand? Done. Okay. I'll help you. World tour, selling out the forum. You kind of do have enough to get me. So let's stop joking around. Why don't you give me like 50 grand? Dad, I'll help you. That's a legal contract. Minding.

I honestly was watching that and I was like, wow, he's going to do it. He's going to do it. He's now obligated to. That's so crazy. Yes, your honor. He fist bumped me. We have footage. But also, your honor, it was at Barstool Sports.

Like, oh, case closed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why they're selling the forearm out. Forearm out one day, man. I couldn't believe it. One day? One day. That's cocky.

That's a flex. It's crazy. It's a flex to sell it out in general to do it in a day. Yeah, that was crazy. I'm not going to lie. There was a pre-sale or whatever. You know how they don't open to the general? Okay.

Well, then the whole thing doesn't count. Cancel the whole gig. Fuck off. Yeah, you're right. I'm a liar. But that general on sale was done. That's crazy. And then we did it with Chase Arena in San Francisco, where the Warriors play.

Well, they haven't even played there yet. Regular season hasn't started yet. And sold that out in a day. We're about to add a second one. I just saw that. That's crazy. Chase Arena. I was wondering what Chase Arena is. I forgot that it's a new stadium.

That's unbelievable. You're like Chris in the place. You sell out an arena. And rather than just being like, all right, my work here is done. Mission accomplished. We'll just do it again. Yeah. It's not until February, bro. that's crazy it's nuts man god damn radio city all like i'm pinching myself yeah i mean i i don't i'm not sure like it just popped kind of or have you been doing i mean you've been selling like a lot for a long time well i've been selling out like it's but i

feel like i feel like that coming in hot special. Yeah, that makes a difference. And I felt it, man. When that thing dropped, the day it aired, I literally felt it on everything. Really? We felt all our shows just sell out right away. My Instagram went up. The engagement went up. It's crazy, man.

It's like a tipping point. It's crazy. And you've been doing this for what, like 30 years? It's my 30th year. 1989. You know, successful dude on TV, selling all sorts of tickets, but this is the moment where

it all changes for you. Yeah, man. That's incredible, but it's also pretty fucking discouraging for anybody else. Like, we'll do this for three decades and then maybe it'll pop. Yeah. Holy shit. Right? But you know what? I hate it when people dismiss the fact that I took 30 years to get here. Yeah, I would hate that too.

And then they go like this. They go, oh, yeah, you got Netflix. That's why it's taken off. And I'm like, no, man. I paid for my Netflix. Yeah, right. Netflix said no to me. Yeah, last time you were here, you explained that.

You took your balls and your money in your hand and you did it yourself, right? 100%. And I mean, it paid off in every way. It paid off in every single way. I gambled on myself. Which is, I mean. Before you off in every way. Paid off in every single way. I gambled on myself. Which is, I mean. Before you hate on me, go gamble on yourself first. There's a lot of gambling that goes on at Barcelona now.

Yeah, do it. Bet on black. They're the worst gamblers ever. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's important, too. Everyone don't bet on yourself. That's the thing. See, you made the right play.

There are some people who are just like. I love that you said that. There's going to who are just like – I love that you said that. I do love that you say that. But then do you discourage someone from believing in themselves? Well, it depends. Do they stink? Do they suck at what they do? There are a ton of people because of Joe Coy who go to the bank.

They take out their life savings. They mortgage the house. They sell their kids. And they put all the money into some stupid bakery, because I love to bake, and they fail. And it's your fault. And not one time did anyone compliment your baking. You stunk at this from the jump.

Yeah. Even when you bought the Toll House pre-ready one, you burnt those fucking cookies. And for some reason, you wanted to start a bakery. Why? You suck at this. You suck. All you had to do was cut it and bake it.

And you fucking burnt it. And then you took out a loan and started a bakery. And it failed. There's so many people who I... We don't talk about that. There's so many people who end up homeless and desolate because they chase their dreams. And then luckily, Joe comes in and he kills it. Everyone's like, I'm going to chase mine.

I don't know if you should do that. See, you didn't chase a dreams. And then luckily, Joe comes in and he killed it. Everyone's like, I'm going to chase mine. See, I don't know if you should do that. See, you didn't chase a dream. You chased like a, like a career path. A dream is something that literally is not real.

Yeah, that's not real. And your imagination conjures it up because you suck at real life. You had talent, saw an opening and grinded

and like took a chance, but it wasn't a fucking dream. It was a pipe dream yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure yeah all right you know what i take that back can you do one of those uh yeah where we just rewind the whole thing back yes uh have the talent first dream about that talent and then and then bet on yourself what would you say for a comedian it because everybody bombs yeah everybody struggles Everybody struggles, nerves, all that shit. What do you think is like the cutoff for an aspiring comic to where you and other professionals

would be like, kid, go start painting. I don't know. Pick up a new hobby. This isn't for you. I don't know, man. Is there ever a moment? Or is it like, well, keep trying and who knows? I don't know.

There's some cats where I'm just like, man, how many more times are you going to do this to yourself? You can only touch the flame for so much. Right. It's okay to bomb, but at some point you have to have self-awareness, right? Yeah, you've got to be like, all right, yeah, these are never going to work. I mean, I'll do a joke like three times. That's it. And that third time, I'm like, okay, yeah, that joke sucks.

So how about a three-time rule? Three-time rule. Whether it's an individual joke or like attempting. Well, I don't know. If someone gave up after three attempts at stand-up. Are we going to ignore the fact that there's a train going through the studio right now? I was going to try, but. What the hell is that?

Is there an air show going on right now? Was that the Thunderbirds? Was someone in formation? Is there an air show going on right now? Was that the Thunderbirds? That was – Was someone in formation? Is that Tom Cruise promoting Top Gun? That was like a flyby. We'll buzz the tower. That was the worst cart of whatever. First of all, I want everyone to know this is the coolest thing in Barstool.

When you go out this door, it looks like one of those startup companies like just in case the FBI comes, y'all just go. You know what I mean? It's one of those companies that's just laundering money. Let me ask you this. It's funny you bring that up. Right now, there's a big to-do at Barstool. Last night

Yeah, like buy couches? You guys own a whole building and there's nothing but lawn chairs. Lawn chairs and fold-out tables. Boxes everywhere. There's this brown sludge on the fucking floor all the time. I saw that sludge! I don't know what it is! It's old cocoa!

It's always there. It's always there! It's right near the green room. It is! It's like, here's our guest, and here's the brown sludge. Yeah, it's bad. So it all ties in.. It is. It's like, here's our guest, and here's the Browns love. Yeah. Yeah, it's bad. So it all ties in.

Last night was the Yankees and Astros are playing, and a lot of guys at the office watch here. And then when there's a bunch of people here, people order food. There's a bunch of Chinese food. Everybody went home. Nobody cleaned up. No, of course not. And it is a, I mean, heads are going to roll today.

It's like Black Monday right now. What do heads look like when they roll at Barstool Sports? Douchey and preppy. They're white, chubby, and bearded. That's about what they look like. Barstool Sports, white, chubby, and bearded. Still in college, in their head. Forever frat.

That should be your next one. Forever frat. Love it. your next one. Forever frat. Love it. Yeah, so this is the scene last night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I saw just now. Yeah, it wasn't great. That's literally out there.

And someone offered it. They were like, Joe? Someone did that. Someone took me to the green one. Hey, Joe. Right? Cold domain. You like that, right?

Joe? This is your kind of food. You like it? Hey, look, look. Right? Cold domain. You like that, right? Joe? This is your kind of food. You like it. Hey, look, look. Look. Noodles. You're watching on Barstool Gold right now. Hey, Joe. This is breakfast, right?

What would your mom do if you ever left a scene like this? Oh, she would be pissed. She'd kill you, I feel like, right? Who the fuck? Who is this? Why are they here? Why are they here? Do you have monkeys for friends? What is this, Joseph?

What is that, Lysol wipes for napkins? Strong napkin, I respect that. Only at Barstool, where someone asks for napkins, and then someone comes back with fucking Lysol wipes. Hey, you got soy sauce on your lips. You got the Lysol wipes?

They're face with bleach. Everyone starts wiping themselves with bleach. They all look like Sammy Sosa a year later. Just the pigment's gone. Hey, maybe we should stop using those Lysol wipes.

What are your thoughts, guys? I'm laughing, but I don't know why I'm laughing because I do all this. I want you guys to see this. Look, right? And look right here. Someone really used them. Are you saying you shouldn't use Lysol wipes? No!

Why? Because I'm like, I don't get the joke I don't get it I don't get it I smelt lemony fresh I'm like, I used Lysol wipes on my hands and face Hold on, you guys, hold on The air show is flying over again

Oh my god It is It's so You know what's funny, by the way? This is like our fancy office. Oh, this is the fancy one? This is like we finally made it, and it's still a piece of shit that's dirty and loud and sucks. Hey, KFC, we're doing a show.

Hey, let's roll the carts past the door. It sounds like an old locomotive going by. It does. This place sucks. I love it. No, it doesn't suck. It's barstool, man. It's not great.

That's one of those things where you don't want to say it sucks. No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Please. If you guys are plugging me, please. Get up the special. There you go. Back to the guys who are important here.

We're what matters. Can you put my Netflix up, for God's sakes? Coming in hot. I mean, listen, that's like months old. Nobody cares. You're already rich. You made your money. Shut the fuck up.

Have you done world tours prior to this? I did one afterlife from Seattle. I did a world tour. I couldn't believe it, man. It was like Malaysia and Singapore and Australia, London. You must be popping. It was crazy. Are Singapore and Australia, London. You must be popping in some of those Asian countries too, huh? Are you kidding me, bro? What?

You must be like Bieber, bro. What? I've never been carried on shoulders before. That's great. Remember when Ralph Macchio beat Johnny? Macchio? Ralph Macchio. Macchio.

Macchio. Macchio. Oh, go fuck yourself I mean I gotta stand up for my guy Ralph here But you don't come to New York And tell us how to pronounce Italian names Machio

It's Machio I thought There I go Oh yeah get the pixelated version This is the HD Can you get my advertisement in 8 bits What is this This is the HD

What is that Super Mario Brothers Wow Thank you so much Anyway What is this? What is that? Super Mario Brothers? Wow. Thank you so much. Anyway, what about Ralph Macchio? Anyways, Ralph Macchio. Oh, when he wins the karate tournament?

Why don't you say Pat's name? Why don't you say his coach's name? What was his name? Pat Morita. Morita. Morita. Right? You didn't have to say it like that. It's Miyagi, bro.

That's what his name is. Miyagi. RIP to that guy. His name's Miyagi bro That's what his name is RIP to that guy His name is Miyagi Yeah it is Miyagi Pep Morita Why'd you say it like that? Why'd you have to say it? I squinted too

Morita He smiled real big And closed his eyes Morita He said it just like my camera guy Pep Morita Oh Joe Yeah yeah yeah You're talking about Pep Morita. Oh, Joe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're talking about Pat Morita. I did. I did. What a dick. I did. And if I'm making this up, rewind the tape. Morita. He got mad at me for saying Machio.

And then he goes like this. Pat Morita. Hey. I want to run out of this room right now. I'm so uncomfortable. The guy that taught Ralph Machio how to fight was Paparita. What a dick, KFC. You're unreal.

In front of a Japanese man. This is a real Japanese guy right here. A real life one. A real life one. That was funny. Anyway, the world tour. Yes. I got to be honest.

Dude, I'm about to do Dubai. Are you serious? Yeah, Coca-Cola Arena. I hope you charge like $2,000 a ticket. It's $2,000 a ticket. They'll be like, okay, we'll buy a billion of them. Yes. They are.

Oh, they pay in all kinds of – they're like three camels. No, it's $2,000 a ticket, which is equivalent to three camels. And some oil. They just pay me in bags of oil. Crude oil. You're rolling a barrel in your plane. Mr. Coy, can you come to Dubai for five barrels and a camel? I'm there.

Yeah, for sure. I'm so fucking lootly. I feel like going on a world tour has got to be a little daunting, though. I don't even like to... I make plans and I cancel them. A world tour? I'd be like, never mind. We sold out 50 cities.

I'm like, no thanks. Can't call in sick, especially in Dubai. Yeah, they hide your body. Don't piss them off. Yeah, you called in sick to the wrong place. They hide your body Oh yeah Don't piss them off Yeah You called in sick To the wrong place How many

How long are you gonna be On the road for This is gonna be Probably a year I won't be done Until yeah You like Don't go home

Or like No I go home I'll go home for like Two three days Kiss my son And then get right back On a plane I haven't slept

I want you to know that I was in Salinas Like eight years Eight hours ago Got off stage Got on a jet, flew here, and right to you. Do you want a prize? Do you want a medal or a cookie? Wow.

I haven't slept. Look at you. I'm on a world tour, and I don't sleep anymore. Thanks for the plug. Yeah. Thanks for the plug. That's not my show. Let's put on somebody else's special.

Let's put on Chappelle's special. Wow. What do you think of Chappelle's latest? Oh, it was good. Yeah, man. You know what's crazy is how many specials they put out. And that's amazing, man.

Well, that's also what I think is important. The fact that yours popped the way it did. There's a lot of white noise now. It used to be like, you get a Netflix, like you said, people are like, oh, Netflix special, you're good. Now there's a lot of shows, a lot of original content, a lot of specials, and they're not all good. It's not just like automatic anymore.

That's not for me to say, but I will say this. I'll say it as a fan. I mean it used to be like Netflix, bam, that's going to be a big deal. Now it's like some are good, some are bad. So when you cut through the noise, it's a big deal. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I am happy though with some of the specials. Dion Cole, if you guys haven't seen it, go watch it.

It was so damn funny. Fortune Feimster. I love the fact that I can say, oh, my friends have specials. Whereas back in the day, it was just like, yo, is this guy going to get a special? Am I going to get one? So I am happy. And that's what I meant by that. Because you do need to see someone like Fortune.

And you do need to see someone like Dion Cole. Those guys are amazing. And I hope you guys watch it. Boom. do need to see someone like Fortune. And you do need to see someone like Dion Cole. Those guys are amazing. And I hope you guys watch it. Boom. I just plugged. What a guy. Is that wrong? Is that wrong that I did that?

Plug yourself, dude. Plug yourself. Forget about them. Be selfish. Shit. Be fuck sharing the limelight. It's all about you. Come on, dude.

Fuck everyone else. That's my motto. Shit. Shit. Look where I am. It's working out perfect. That's my motto. Shit. Shit. Look where I am. It's working out perfect. I'm in a dirty office with train tracks running through it. Be like me.

When are you going to go up? What's up? When are you going to go up? Yeah, I've been, well, we've been doing our show, our podcast live the last few months. I haven't gotten back up there solo yet because I'm just being a lazy asshole. But even just getting a taste of the podcast live has been fun. It's fun, right? So we sold out Caroline's.

We've been doing a monthly show. And people have come. I think we've done four. And people have come to all four every single month. Oh, that's so cool. And you start to realize that there's something there. And you start to get a little bit of the rush. And they all seem to go well.

Is the rush something that you can't get enough of? Have you noticed where the first time we did it, I woke up the next morning at 7.30 which is unheard of for me. I was just like, I'm in a great mood. This is awesome. It lasted for three weeks.

Now it's a day. Do you find it's like chasing a high like a heroin where it's like, I've got to get there more and more and more and more? No, it's more like when I walk into the building, my heart just starts pounding. Oh, so you're just happy all the time. Yeah, I really can't wait. I really, really, really can't wait.

Have you always been happy, or was it once you became successful and rich? No, I've always been happy. You're so stupid. Valid question. For us poor people out there, I mean, sometimes it's a little bit easier to be happy when you're rich. That's all.

But no, I've always been happy and I don't know, I just enjoy it. I enjoy stand-up so much. I was in love with the art before i even started doing it so that now that i'm doing it and uh and like here's a perfect example like uh i had a bucket list and uh one of them was constitutional hall in in dc because that's where eddie murphy shot delirious and it was always my dream to play that venue and i remember texting my manager when

i was on the road i was like I have to play Constitutional Hall if we're going to DC I have to play Constitutional Hall and we're doing it this year and I'm literally counting down

the minute that I get on that stage like I really want to walk through the same double doors as him I can't wait man like a side by side of you two on stage

type of thing bro I'm gonna wear a red leather outfit yeah I was gonna say go nuts a bright red leather outfit with Yeah, I was going to say, go nuts. A bright red leather outfit with black boots. Don't you tease me. Don't you tease me.

It's happening. Just jacking it open. Oh, just a nice gold chain. I'm going to leave a little hair to come over the red leather lapel. Oh, it's going to be hot. It's going to be hot. Literally, it's going to be hot. It's going to be a little bit of a variation or something.

So, yeah, I get excited or something. You fucking know it. So, yeah, I get excited every time. I can't wait. My big accomplishment was this latest show. I didn't sweat profusely the entire time. That's a hard thing, man. If you sweat, you can't stop your sweating. You know what I mean? No, you can't.

You can control a lot of things. If you're a sweater, you ain't going to stop sweating. No. And I remember when I first started, I remember the first 15 times. It was just a ring. Oh, my God. Just a fucking pond. We do a-

Literally underneath my armpit. And then the V. You know how you get the V down the middle? I mean, jeez, I wasn't working out up there, Joe. You were pouring, huh? I was nervous, man. So we have a screen behind us, and we play videos and pictures and shit. So the lights go down, and some people can see the screen.

I'm like, grab napkins. I'm like, drying my fucking- Lysol strips. Yeah, Lysol. Lysol napkins, you know. The place smells like lemon. It smells like a linen-y breeze. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why does it smell like a clean bathroom on stage? It's interesting, though, man. It's a whole different vibe. I mean, we can do this for hours, for days, for whatever. You get up there, and it's just like a totally different vibe. Completely different. But I've also noticed that, and people have told me this, but I'm only starting to see it for the first time,

that people who are your fans, who buy your tickets, are going to laugh at your shit. So even if you're not, even if a joke's not that great or a moment's not that funny, they're going to laugh. But they'll still, that's the cool thing about stand-up though, they still tell you the truth. Right. Just because it's not, you know, oh yeah, I like them, so I'll laugh. No, they'll still, that's the cool thing about stand-up, though. They still tell you the truth. Right. Just because it's not, you know, oh, yeah, I like him, so I'll laugh.

No, they'll be like, okay, that sucked. And then you do like 10 minutes of suck, they'll be like, hey, man, you fucking suck. Move on. Yeah. We're done. Did you have a moment where you like, like it's small enough that everybody's your fan, and then you do a venue that's big enough where it's like, well, you know, half the people might not know me. They're bringing a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

And, like, now you almost have – the crowd is getting bigger and you have to kind of earn the audience. Or did you always find that if it's your show, they're into you? Yeah, but, I mean, I still work on – like this hour that I'm doing right now, I made sure to do, like, small clubs and do club runs and make it tight. And then – because when you do a big venue, man, you don't have time for it. I can't go into the crowd like I used to. I'll do it for the first five minutes when I'm talking about just trying to warm up and get that going. But once you start that routine, man, you got to give them a show.

Because if you find a dead spot in an arena, bro, it starts to unravel real quick. Have you bombed at a huge spot yet? No. Because you're such a pro at this point, right? I feel like if you make it to an arena,

you're not going to bomb at that point, right? I mean, like I said, I'll work those jokes out at a smaller spot. But I mean, I've been blessed to where I can stick new jokes in between. Ones that you know are good. Yeah, so I'm blessed with that. Like my writing process is kind of easier for me right now. I still got stuff in the bank that's not on TV either. So I still got –

Unreleased hits over here. Jokoi Prince. Yeah. It's a golden album. When you die, you can put them out, right? No, I'm just saying I've been kind of blessed to where – what I'm trying to say is that hour, I'm just saying I've been kind of blessed to where like, what I'm trying to say is that hour, like,

I can't tour and do that hour. You know what I mean? So, I have these jokes that are in the bag that no one knows, they haven't seen it, so I've been blessed to be able to do those. That's what I'm getting. Fuck you, man. You know what I mean? That's how these we always get here.

Depends how long it takes. Sometimes it's 20 minutes, sometimes it's 30, but we always get to fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what sucks about... That's the one thing that sucks about being a comic. It's like, yeah, I'm happy that hour came out, but that's three years of jokes that I did on the road,

and they're gone. They're done. I can't go and do those anymore, so it's like... I probably would. I'd just go back to the bank and be like, did you guys hear that joke? Remember that one? I'm going to tell that one. Yeah, done. I can't go and do those anymore. So it's like – I probably would. I'd just go back to the bank. You guys hear that joke? Remember that one? I'm going to tell that one.

Yeah, yeah. Here's the remix. Rewind. And it's just like – Yeah. You know what you got? You got good rich people teeth. You got great teeth.

Dude, these are all fake. I was eating a pizza, and they told me don't eat the crust of the pizza. And he told me – Who's they? My doctors. I pizza and he told me my doctors I have a team of doctors do you have a team of doctors now it's different do you have like a do you have a dentist that has a tooth mascot

he's holding he's holding a toothbrush I haven't been to the dentist in 10 years I legitimately have not been to the dentist In at least a decade I went to the dentist last year Doctors I haven't been to in 10 years You have cavities

100% No I don't You can see the line Listen to me right now I'm not a dentist You have cavities I know for a fact There I know. You have cavities. I know for a fact.

There's something dead in your mouth. Now I'm going to go to the dentist to prove you wrong. If you were a DJ, you would be called dead mouth. My guy, he's so good. Literally, it is a team. They all come in. They have the machine that makes the tooth. It's crazy, man. I fell on a rock when I was a kid.

I swear, I fell on a rock. Busted them all. All four of them in my front. They were dead. I had a half a tooth for almost 30 years of my life. So when I smiled, I had to do this thing with my liver. I hated it. Was that the first thing you did when you got money? Fix that?

100%. And I thought for sure my mom, because my mom was very frugal with her money, and I remember I had enough money to get fake teeth and fix it finally. And I thought it was so much money, by the way. It was like almost 50 grand for the first set. Yeah, I had to get them all done. And I wanted to call my mom because for sure I thought my mom was like, don't do that.

Don't do that with your money. I thought for sure she was going to talk me out of it. And I called her because I didn't really want to spend that much money. And I go, Mom, it's like 50 grand to get these teeth. And she's like, do it, Joseph. Do that shit. Do it. My God.

Have you seen yourself smile? It's ugly. You got it, man. That will ruin your whole confidence. It does. You and Cardi B. Cardi B did the same thing. She got her money. She fixed her mouth. Oh, really? It does, man. It means a lot, man. That will ruin your whole confidence. It does. You and Cardi B. Cardi B did the same thing. She got her money.

She fixed her mouth. Oh, really? It does, man. It means a lot, man. And you're right. My confidence. And like being a comic and not being able to smile on stage. I looked at old videotapes and like I'll do crowd work and everyone's laughing.

I'm doing this like, right? Right? Like I had a stroke. That's even crazier that you made it. Because that seems like it's a very difficult thing to overcome. Oh, it sucked, man. I'm not laughing at that guy. He's ugly.

He's got bad teeth. I can't laugh at his jokes. I had two black teeth in the front and then the half tooth. This one was shoved up into my nose. Because I fell on a boulder. How old were you? I was 12. So you did it for, like, you know.

My whole life, man. It sucked. I was, like, 33, whole life, man. It sucked. I was like 33, still smiling like this. It sucked. Were you on Chelsea right after that? The minute I got Chelsea. In fact, the first time I sat on her panel, I just left his office and had all my teeth done. So I had fake teeth that night.

And she was making fun of me because I was just like, every break, I was just like, hi. I was so high. She's like, are you okay because I was just like, every break, I was just like, hi. I was so hot. She's like, are you okay? I'm like, I just got my teeth done. Well, they look good, man.

Thank you. They look good and it's a symbol of your work and your success. I love you, man. I did bite a pizza crust when he told me not to

and I was backstage and I bit a pizza crust and it snapped off. It snapped off and it was wiggling. And then I got on stage. This just happened, by the way, because this is a new set. I got a whole new set. And then I got on stage, and literally eight minutes into my routine,

it flew out of my mouth. Right here, this one. This one, you guys. Flew out. Big. Audience member catching. Oh, they all screamed. They all screamed. I got his it. Oh, they all screamed. They all screamed.

I got his tooth. Yeah, yeah. Literally. It fell in the front. And like everyone went, oh my god. And it's me scrambling for my tooth. Eight minutes in. I still got an hour to go.

And I was like, oh my god, my tooth. I'm so sorry. I just got my teeth. I'm so sorry. And then I went like this. I got his tooth.. I'm so sorry. And then I went like this. I got a stick. And I stuck my tooth back in. And then the show went on.

And I had to tell those jokes with my tongues. Like I was pressing up against the back of my tooth. So then my mom said. Yeah. Like I was chewing tobacco. You're going to believe this, you guys. Unreal. You're a consummate professional.

Man, that sucks. So the You're a consummate professional. Man, that sucks. The tickets are on sale now. For? For what? For the world tour. Just kidding. Yeah.

Yeah, I fucking know. Yeah, man. Don't you come at me. Yeah. Ralph Macchio. Ralph Macchio. And Pomerita. And Joe, you know, one of my favorite Japanese actors of all time is Pomerita.

It's a good thing you're a good sport. That was pretty racist. And the fact that you looked at me right in the face. I'm going to do an Asian accent right now. He really did. You're super uncomfortable by that. I'm so uncomfortable, man. You didn't see it because you saw the back of his head. He went like this. Watch. I want of his head. He went like this.

Watch, I want to show you. He went like this. Pomerino! I'm out. Yeah, I'm done. Good night! That's it. Thanks for coming.

Get tickets, Joe Coy. Turn around. Look at what you see in her face the mirror of your dream make believe i'm everywhere given in the light written on the pages is

the answer to a never-ending story. Ah, reach the stars. Fly a fantasy. Dream a dream. And what you see will be. Run the kingdom, secrets real. And what you see will be The time when kings their secrets will Abode behind the clouds And there upon a rainbow is

The answer to a never-ending story Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Storytime. Storytime.