KFC Radio - Our Hardest Top 5 Yet Ft. Natalie Cuomo

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Is Feitelberg's hair red or blonde, and why do you think it's red? - KFC's bachelor party ft. him running into a random house - Suprise surprise the guys talk about boners again - Top 5 Boners -Voicemails: - Shocked therapist - Squidward dick - Weirdest place you've woken up - 01:02:37 Natalie Cuomo ft. her tattoos; being an au pair in Paris, smoking steak cigarettes, and other concerning stories of being a New York City kid Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. A girl farting on your dick is not hot. I just want a fucking vibration. That's fine. We can make it vibrate another way. Fine, she can queef it. I don't care. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Clancy.

It's Fido Berg. I'm sitting here alongside my orange friend. Your tan friend? My red and orange friend. You are the same. Who's a red and orange color scheme? You are Beaker. Paul Walker.

No. This is like, I'm not even. You wore this shirt on purpose. I'm not even fucking kidding. Literally, if you're listening to the podcast, press stop. Stop and go to the YouTube, not only to subscribe so I don't fucking murder you and your grandmother doesn't die. By the way, many people have been coming up to me telling me this weekend, like two people

and then a couple people at the shows, grandmothers are dying left and right. Yeah, no, like one kid told me like he like literally, the guy was like, your grandma's gonna die tomorrow. Yeah, and he did. And you know what he didn't do?

Subscribe. So fucking subscribe. So go watch it because you need to see his red skin. I mean, football team skin. You need to see his orange hair and then he wore this ridiculous shirt. You can buy it now. It's on sale. His red skin, I mean football team skin. I'm trying to position my face.

His orange hair, and then he wore this ridiculous shirt. You can buy it now. It's on sale. It's going off sale, by the way. Paul Connor. What's his name? Brian O'Connor. Brian O'Connor.

Yeah, those are going to be. My shoes often feel so good. No, but only on sale for one more week. Oh, really? Because of C&D or because of? Because they saw how good I look today. And Fast and Furious was like, well, fuck, he can't be

looking hotter than Paul. That's bad for the brand. So Fast and Furious C&D does. Right, about that. So it's like, you have like, I don't know, five more days. We're gonna push it. We have five more days to go buy this shirt. I love it. I love getting C&D. The Invincible shirt's got C&D, so now you have a collector's item.

Olivia Rodrigo's C&D in 24 hours, so whoever bought those, you have a collector's item. It's like that's the real deal. You don't look anything like Paul Walker. You don't look tan. In this shirt, I look exactly like him right now. Because that shirt, he's like blasted with red. Because he's got a fucking nice tan and he's blonde as shit. You're not blonde!

Yes, I am. Now when I posted the picture, I am. Oh, when Heidelberg starts rolling the tongue, you know he's on one. Whenever it used to be, can you give him a mic check? I'm sure the sound people are sure they love that. I'm sure the sound people are sure they love that. Yeah.

I'm sure the sound team is all love you red-do-do-ing in their ears all the time. Your hair, I mean, I posted it. You look like Ed Sheeran. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Oh, yeah. I don't think that's insulting. I like Ed Sheeran. But Ed Sheeran, has anyone in the history of the world ever said, oh, that blonde guy Well, I look like a blonde Ed Sheeran.

Oh, no. No, that's a thing. You look like a redhead. You look like just Ed Sheeran. Oh, no. No, that's a thing. You look like a redhead. You look like just Ed Sheeran, who is a redhead. No. I look like Ed Sheeran after he used a bunch of sun and got a blonde hair. I want that asshole Darren Rovell to tell me what Pantone this is. I guarantee you it's on the orange spectrum of the rainbow.

It's not. It's so blonde, dude. No, what I might give you is it is like in comparison to your fat red face, it might be bringing out the orange. Like if you were actually tan, maybe it would have blondes. I'm very tan. You are not, sir. At the moment, I am currently tan.

I can't tell if he's doing a bit or something. He knows he's not, right? No, I am. That's what I mean. I think he actually believes i've been at the beach for like a month understood i yes that's that's a fact that's not tan but also that's not the color of your face my face your ears and your forehead are red as fuck you can't see them i can't you can't see your john's like look at you you're right i'll give

you that i can't see him but in the mirrors i've gone oh boy you are looking sexy today which is great and i don't want to tear you down so we'll just we'll just say that john's looking like he thinks he looks in the mirrors i mean you read bro i'm you you need to change your name your skin is so i'll change to paul walker you. You are the Feidelberg Washington football team. That's what you are, dude. Your skin is so offensive, we need a name change. It is red. I don't have an accidentally black face.

You have Native Americans coming after your ass for cultural appropriation. You're so red. You do have sunglasses tan, right? Sunglasses what? Tan, meaning like tan lines. Yeah, now you nailed it. You have a sunglasses sunburn line that gives you the white. You can see where your skin started, and you can see where it ended red.

Yeah. And then the best part about this is when you get him going on, he gets so mad that he gets red. Yeah, yeah. And then he proves my point. It's like crying – the crying Jordan. It's over and you're just crying Jordan between them. If you complain about the crying Jordan, you just get crying Jordan. You get me worked up.

I'm not ready! Your red face just pops off. Yeah, no. You look ugly in red. Red and orange. Dude, I'll tell you what. My dad came down. I was alone at the beach house this weekend, and my dad came down.

I guess he just thought I'd get lonely or something. Or he was like, I'm going to go hang out in this house. Now I can be alone. It was such a dad moment. He called me at 10 a.m. Sunday morning being like, hey, I'm here. I'm like, bro, you came from Massachusetts. What did you leave at? Southern New Jersey.

Holy shit. He left at 4.45, I think. Did he rip a boat? Did he hop on a fucking speedboat? Just drove. Wow. And it was actually, the first thing he said to me was oh wow really blonde hair so fuck off um and but the the rest of it like

dude hanging out with hanging out with your dad's pretty fucking fun we we had a time and you probably had like an eight hour session with him right it was like all day uh oh i mean he had to take a nap at one point because he got up at 4 a.m yeah i feel that man but he he took a nap but yeah we were out we were out last night with the stone pony he was wow we were we were in asbury park and he was uh for like live music and shit yeah like we saw live band there's a band called item may we were at night or day night okay so yeah i mean that's like that's you know that's a jersey shore time like you did you know that's the springsteen the jay shore the live music stone pony classic

back to the site of a blackout tour yeah yeah it's so funny we got springsteen and dante in the blackout the same venue we got sued yeah we got sued that one why we uh fuck somebody up we uh don't always end every show like the champagne that was the one that was the one where like he stuck under a girl's legs and she went to twerk as he pulled the cork. And so there was this massive bottle of fake champagne that would shoot confetti. She twerked or... So she bent down?

She dropped it low. Oh, okay. So instead of... He had angled it to go shoot up, but she dropped it low at the same exact time as he pulled it. So the cork just hit someone in the front row right in the fucking eye. Right in the eye i think i think you were gonna tell me was that she she was twerking and she like bent over put her head between her legs and oh that would be amazing but yeah that kid just

got i remember that i hope we're allowed to talk about it yeah it's over now right like that's been settled or whatever i'd imagine so i remember i i didn't sign no nda i'm pretty sure that that dude was i mean he was at a blackout tour front row i'm pretty sure he was a big stoolie but he was like but you guys blinded me so like i gotta sue you i got bills i got you know so i think it was kind of like sorry prez but uh uh yeah that's a classic one though yeah yeah that's that's the one thing i'll always give Dave Is that you know When I open my fat mouth

Or Dante shoots somebody In the face Like he just eats those lawsuits That's just the cost Of doing business Yeah your dad For like an eight hour session Like a

Like that's That's a funny time When you think about it Your Your dad I feel like you've done that More with your dad I think your dad's Like more social I haven't done that With my dad Like my dad're your dad i think you've done that more with your dad i think your dad's

like more social i haven't done that with my dad like my dad like your dad like like made that sneak appearance when we did the wilbur live and stuff he's like out there my dad goes to bed 7 30 my dad goes to bed 7 30 to get away from my mom it's amazing i i said that my my my mom and dad live on different uh in different time zones. My dad's on West Coast time. Or no, my mom's on West Coast time, I guess, compared to him. My dad will wake up at like 3.30, 4, go to bed at 7. What is that? Maybe not 3.

I think he's up in the 4 o'clock hour. That is insane. Because my mom's sleeping, and then she's awake. So he's just like, see ya, going to bed. It's amazing. I can't even imagine. I mean, during the summer, the sun is completely out The sun goes down at like 8.30

He's in bed It's amazing I aspire to it Sleep is the only escape One day, when you're like 60 You'll do it I don't even know if I can do it then Well, listen, if you got yourself a Helix sleep mattress

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You will. No, no, I have them. Yeah? You still like the soft? Dude, me getting up, it's like a fucking steam engine. Even my dad yesterday was like, what is wrong with you? Your dad is in such good shape. Yeah, but it's still fucking bullshit that he's asking me what's wrong with me.

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Today we got Natalie Cuomo on the show. I told myself when she was on I was just going to profess my love to her, and I chickened out. You pussied it. I pussied out because I thought, you know, that would be pretty awkward. I was just like, thanks for coming. I'm in love with you. But I'll tell you now, I'm in love with her.

Like tatted up chick, stand-up comedian, super hot, super funny. So she's on the show. Of course, we'll get into our voicemails. We got to do some top fives. I want to hear about your bachelor party first. So it's funny that you bring up your dad and partying and whatnot because it was a great time with the saratoga it was like very fun to like get the gang like the gang got together and we all like dug deep

and like we like hit 99 again you know like we had like one last it was like it was like uh it was like chet stedman in uh in uh rookie of the year, and he's like, one more, one more. So we all had a good time, but I'm so washed, I couldn't physically do it. And I'm not talking about I couldn't drink. I was like, I can't stand up anymore. We've been out for like, you go to the track early, and then you don't stop. I was like, I've been just up on my feet for like 12 hours. I can't do it. I was like, I been just like up on my feet for like 12 hours i can't do it i

was like i'm physically i gotta either sit down we gotta either like move this party to a table somewhere or i gotta fucking go man i can't stand here anymore it because you know what else the problem is i think i think when i was well first of all i just wasn't like a bag of bones like you know last time i was really partying so i was just like physically capable when was the last time you really partied it was that long ago you were capable. When was the last time you were really partying? It was that long ago? Because I feel like you've been pretty messy for a while now. Yeah, yeah. I've been messy.

But so two things. It was a significant time ago. Probably like, I mean, five years? Okay. Six years? Okay, that's fair. But usually when I am doing it, I am fucking hammered. And you just don't feel anything and don't notice anything.

This is like we were drinking. I was drunk. I was partying, having a good time. But I wasn't ripping shots, slugging beers. I was just like sipping on some high noons, drinking some Miller Lights, like nothing crazy. So then you feel like every last thing. You know what I mean? I was like, oh, I need to be hammered to do this.

I can't just be like out for 12 hours. But't you just get hammered because then the hangover kills me so i was like i gotta go home and see the kids and all this shit so i was like i'm either like out of commission or so i played it like in between and just just ravaged myself so but i mean i put in a good enough showing everybody else kind of peeled off at some point i this guy went to go get lunch these guys went home to shower I didn't do any of that. I just stayed through. Me and my one other buddy, we didn't stop. We're just like wheeling and dealing.

I will say this. It was overwhelming. My friends were joking that it was like a communion reception line. The amount of people who recognized and were just coming up to me, there was a line a literal line i was like it was like scott calvin in the santa claus when he sits on the bench and he looks down there's all these kids waiting to sit on his lap i was like take a picture next

take a picture next it was like i was at one of those like comic-con that i was at a convention with a table set up or something the minute one minute man has been a difference maker because everybody has Instagram. You might not read the blog. You might not listen to the podcast, but everybody's at least seen that clip. So anyway, me and my one buddy, like, we didn't stop. So I never even, like, had that break. So I get through to, like, our second bar of the day.

It's, like, probably around midnight. And I was like, I got to call it, man. I can't do it anymore. It's like I'm on, like, you know like 10 or 12 hours of drinking at this point. And I went home, and I ordered Taco Bell, and I got in the hot tub. And this is how you know you're washed up. One of the guys brought a Theragun with him. And I sat there, and I Theragun-ed my body, and I ate so much Taco Bell.

And if I wasn't drunk, I probably would have jerked off too and it would have been that would have been the only time I know you're a you're a you're a drunk jerk off you're a drunk masturbator yeah I'm not really I will I'll fucking teach that thing because that's the thing oh you think you gotta beat it yeah like like I can't get up for myself and you'll just sit there and helicopter it, whack it around a little bit. Hey! Hey! Hey!

Wake up! Wake up! It's time to jerk off! And then when you do jerk off. Little Johnny coming out to play today, whether he wants to or not. I'll fucking drag him out by his feet. And then when you do come, it's like he's waving the white flag. He's like, fine.

Here, I'm done. Like, it's waving the white flag. It's not even. He's like, fine. Here, I'm done. Like, it's not fun. No. It's more competition. It's me versus my dick. Yes. It's not like the two of us are like. Right.

Like, we're not fucking. You know what that is? We're not masturbating. It's me versus him. That's like swinging on the on deck circle with your donut on. Yeah. Well, next time we just fuck normal, you're going to be good. You're going to remember this.

You're going to be like, it wasn't as hard as this session right here this is training in the gym with the fucking ankle weights on so that when you play at normal speed you're good to go and i'll tell you what when it's me versus my dick remember that was that graphic one time a few years ago with duke unc like in their history uh-huh and it's like they both scored like one point difference yes they won the same amount of games. They're like 151 and 150. Yeah.

Total points is like 3,261 to 3,262. Exactly. Rebounds, everything's the same. That's you versus your dick? That's me versus my dick. Sometimes they win,

sometimes you win. We are just fucking battling, dude. We are a historic rivalry. Me versus my dick is the tobacco road of masturbating you you it's it's it's boston new york and today i'm grady little today i'm grady little and i made the wrong call my dick won but tomorrow i'm aaron boone man and i'm hitting that ball oh my god uh yeah but yeah when you're when you're theragunning and hot tubbing and Taco Belling at, you know, midnight,

I was like, it's time. Oh, man. The Saratoga scene. There was a scene. We got out. I'll tell the story here. There was this girl. She was the fattest person I've ever seen in real life.

She was the fattest girl I've ever seen with my own eyes She was the fattest girl I've ever seen with my own eyes. Dude, I had yesterday – I'm going to gag just talking about it. Yesterday I had to move places at dinner because I could – we were eating dinner on the boardwalk. And this humongously fat woman sat in, like, my eyeline. And it wasn't her obesity that grossed me out. She just had incredibly hairy legs, and they were soaking wet. And, like, because she just got out of the beach. So she was in a bathing suit

soaking wet with just visible hair all over her. And I was like, I can't eat right now. She could have been any size. It had nothing to do with her size. It was so much hair. And actually, no, it would

have been easier if it was so much hair But it was like sporadic And stringy And patches of hair It was gross This woman She had to blow out her ACL I watched her

She slipped on a slippery floor And I watched her knee buckle in And then she fell She went down And she was like a turtle on her shell. She was on her back and she bumped into my one buddy and like dropped everything

and my buddy picked up her empty cocktail cup. It was like a plastic, like a little plastic cup with a couple cubes of ice and she's on her back on the shell. She can't get up. She can't get up. She couldn't get up. She had to roll over and do a push-up to get herself back up.

And the whole time, like, she almost, like, bowled into – she almost, like, bowled over my buddy as well. And then when she gets up, I think she kind of thought he – like, I think she was so embarrassed that she was just like, I'm going to pin this on somebody else. And my buddy just had her empty cup and was like, here you go. And he just gave her back the empty cup with like two ice cubes. And she tried to play it off, but she just started dancing.

And I was like, you don't know it right now, but you're going to need surgery on that knee tomorrow. And it's probably going to – I told my friends, I was like, that girl may never walk again. She's going to walk on that thing the rest of her night. She's going to need surgery. It's going to get infected. She's going to get amputated. She's going to die. Yes.

I mean, it was quite the scene. And then we get out of the bar. Everything closes down there around like 1.32. And I walked outside, and it was like a post-apocalyptic zombie movie. It was like I walk outside. There's this girl throwing up. There's like two guys fighting. There was someone just ran by yelling like,

I can't get a car, I need a car, I need an Uber. Just like, boom. And I was like waiting for, you know, the monsters from A Quiet Place to come like barreling in. I was like, and my friends were kind of lingering and I was like, we gotta fucking go. We're like, shit's about to pop off right now. It was a scene, man.

I didn't know. The girl puking in the street. I mean, it was like, ah, this is, this is living. And then in the midst of all that, some guy comes up to me. He's like,

my family owns Windham Mountain, bro. And I was just like, is this a fever dream? Is this real? What is happening? I skied Windham this year. I was like, your family's probably pretty fucking rich. Good shit, man. mountain bro and i was just like am i is this a fever dream is this real what is happening i skied windham this year i was like your your family's probably pretty fucking rich good shit man but yeah it was uh it was a good time horse racing does nothing for me um i'm gonna throw

some money down lost some money won some money i mean i guess if you win like big money yeah i don't mean the gambling i like just watching horses race yeah Yeah, nothing. Did you have a good fit? Huh? Did you have a good fit? Nah. Did you dress up at all? Nah. Nah. I wore my bare bottom clothes.

A couple of my buddies did. Nobody went, like, all out. It's not like we were doing. We also did, like, we didn't do, like, the grandstand or whatever. Like, we would sit and wear Dave's hits. We were, like, with the fucking kids and partying. You know what I mean? So we didn't even really do it that way. But I was like, oh, no, I'm not doing it. My friends would put on seersucker and shit. We were like, what the fucking kids are partying, you know what I mean? So we didn't even really do it that way, but I was like,

oh no, I'm not doing it. My friends are putting on Sears sucker and shit. I was like, no. But what did happen, I walked by this house that had a barstool flag up on their deck. And I was like drunk enough that I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna run in that house and walk up there. Because I thought it would be funny if I just like, they're all partying

and the flag's there and I was like, what's you know but i opened the door and there was a mom in the kitchen right there but there was young girls there too but there was a mom and i literally did the homer simpson grandpa the grandpa simpson went in and out i was just done i was like oh never mind but then they did you say anything nope i literally walked in i went hi and then but i guess it was uh they recognized me. So the one girl came back and grabbed me and brought me up. Beautiful house.

Amazing house. Right on like, right by the track, right by the horseshoe bar. And I went up there and I took some pictures. But this one girl was like mean mugging me the whole time.

Everyone else was really nice but this one girl, I think she, I think she was just mad that I wasn't Dave. I mean everybody expects Dave to be in Saratoga and I think she said something

about like we were waiting for Dave and I was kind of like, I get it. I'm the Wendy. I that I wasn't Dave. I mean, everybody expects Dave to be at Saratoga, and I think she said something about, like, we were waiting for Dave, and I was kind of like, I get it. I'm the plan B. I'm the second option here. I don't know what to fucking – I don't know what to tell you, man. Which it was Dave. Basically, I was like, I'm sorry, okay? I can't fix that.

Were you drunk when we made the decision to go in there? I was like, you know, yeah. I mean, yeah. Would I soberly do that? I would never be like – not out of like fear. I would just be like, I'm not going to run up in some random person's house. Right, right. I was like, I'm just going to run up there.

It's going to be so funny. And then I did it and they were like, you're not Dave. I was like, fuck. This whole plan has backfired. I also – I mean, a long day at the track, in the sun, outdoor bar. I must have taken a million pictures. I was a sweaty fucking mess for all of it. One person was like, you don't look like

you do on instagram i was like i look ugly now i know i'm not dave and i look ugly leave me alone saratoga i i'll wrap it up on this because i did i love that people recognize it's a great sign i always say the day that people stop recognizing me is bad for business all that shit it did get like i was overwhelmed for the first time ever. And this one dude came up to me, he came up to me a couple times, he was like shit-faced.

And he said to me, he like grabs me and we're like locked in, gives me the heart to heart and he goes, bro, I just want to thank you for giving me

years of endless pleasure. And I was like, we got to work on your phrasing. No, no, he nailed it. He just jerks off to the show. I was thinking like, bro, let's just say like the podcast, but maybe it was pleasure. Maybe he's drunk teaching his dick a lesson,

pulling it out by its legs, listening to KFC radio. All right, top fives today in honor of last week's incessant boner talk. We're going to keep that train rolling today. I said last week that we would do top five boners because Fights and Rudy had some very specific erections that they were talking about. So today, top five brought to you by Movement. I hit the track wearing my Movement shades. I had a little Movement watch on to match. That was the extent that I dressed up.

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Is that your phone? I thought, I mean. I don't think it is, actually. I got a lot of text messages. Whose phone is doing a crazy, yours like vibrates insanely loud? Are you on, yeah, like a crazy group chat right now? I'm getting like a lot of Snapchats

from this one girl that's abroad. Hey. Hey. The amount of people who took pictures on Snapchat, by the way. I noticed it too I thought Snapchat It sometimes looks better for some reason Really?

I can't explain what it is But sometimes I'll take a picture on Snapchat And then save it and put it onto my IG story And it's better For some reason I'll just use the Snapchat Everybody takes a diagonal Snapchat Really? Over and over and over

I see it on Instagram sometimes too No one just uses their camera roll. I bet you Jackie does the same thing. Do you use Snap? Yeah. Do you use Snap to take selfies? Or pictures? I use it as my camera.

And then I like to save everything. So it's like everything saves some memories. Interesting. Why? Why? And also, I also have a theory that the camera is better. I don't really have a reason. But also like my, yeah.

Is it just like a Snapchat filter? Is there an actual thing going on or is it just you? You just use a regular thing. It's weird that you say that because, like, I thought that this was just a theory. But I mean, like, is there some sort of filter, automatic filter going on that makes it look better or is it just in your head? When you use, like, Twitter's or Instagram's camera, it's always a little bit more zoomed in than normal. And then, like then for some reason, I just don't like the way my phone looks.

I just use the camera. I would never take a picture using Instagram. I swipe right like that and I just... For some reason, I think I look a lot uglier using my regular picture thing than if I do have my phone with Snapchat. I actually know the answer to this. Snapchat takes like...

Again, I don't have any backing for this, but Snapchat takes like... It's like your normal camera is flipped one way, and so, like, you see, like, the left side of your face first or something like that, but then Snapchat, you see, like, the right side. You can turn that off, though. Rhea, like, took my phone the other day.

This all sounds made up. No, no, like, so, like, automatically, your phone mirrors your face. Okay. Like, I was, like, remember how I was going around giving people, like, to take selfie videos for me, like, to answer questions or something like that? Yeah.

So Rhea like took my phone and she turned that mode off. It's like it's going to change your life, which I couldn't give less of a fuck about. Have you noticed it? No, I guess girls notice it though because it automatically flips your face. But like so she turned it off and I still just use my Snapchat camera. Interesting. Happy birthday to Rhea, by the way, yesterday. I had to listen to this for Rhea's birthday.

Top five boners. Yeah. I want to say I was listening to – I got one again today. Okay. Wait. Before you say this, last week you were talking about boners, plain boners, right? That was more Rudy.

I was a pre-nap. So I was listening to Burt and Whitney Cummings. Whitney Cummings, whenever she's on the podcast, she knows. She knows. Or at least she talks as if she knows. Like, she's got information about fucking everything. Doctors and science and everything. And she said that there, and I didn't fact check this because I don't want to.

She said there's, like, some biological shit that goes on when you land. That you're, like, in that you're like in a new in a new land in a new place and you got to like spread your seed so you get hard when they when apparently there's a new plane like a plane landing boner i don't know if i've experienced that one i'm not gonna call it i mean i have yeah i haven't traveled enough but when he said like the the plane boner i was like, that's a thing? And then two days later, she's talking about how your body knows you're in a different land and you've got to fucking get that nut off. I was like, maybe there's something to it.

I've flown a lot. Never had the landing boner? But you said you did have the takeoff boner. I was doing a plane boner. I'll be in the air. I'll get hard. But the landing, I've never had to not get up. You know what I mean?

I've always been ready to get up. What are you talking about? Your dick or your body? No, my body. I've never been sitting there like, fuck, I'm fucking hard right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, gotcha, gotcha. I'm always like, yep, all right, time to get up. Let's go.

I've never had an issue with that. So I think that kind of disqualifies that statement. But I don't know. Maybe my dick just doesn't work. What's your number one pick, favorite boner? Boy, man, oh, man. My number one pick, I mean, it's got to be Morningwood. It's got to be Morningwood.

Bro, you want a hard dick? Fucking wake me up about 6 a.m. The morning one, I think your body gets hard to stop you from peeing right i think there's some pee in it i thought that was to stop you from pissing the bed no i don't think that's it that'd make a lot of sense is that why i fucking is that why i fucking get morning wood every single day yes i'm still a bed wetter i i think it's just it's in rem sleep i think when you're in rem sleep, you get hard. Yeah. During REM sleep.

I don't, again, I don't know if it's true, but I thought I remember hearing that like while you're asleep, cause you know, you don't really pee when you're hard. Yeah. So your body's like, if we make this thing hard, he won't piss at night. I don't think that's the case. I think that's, that's an old wives tale of everything but it's it is you know it can be inconvenient if you if you wake up late and you got something to do and you first of all if you just gotta pee because wait sorry real quick so i'm not an idiot there's evidence that a full

bladder can contribute to morning wood okay the increased bladder size through the night stimulates the region of the spinal cord which can cause a quote reflex erection oh so yeah the psychological benefit is to prevent you from wetting the bed. Okay. So I think it's a little bit of both, but that makes sense because I go to bed with a full bladder every night. Yeah. You don't pee before bed?

I don't pee before bed, and then I also, like, I'll chug, like, at least two waters in bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the sheer heart, like, it's a nice way to wake up. You're like, fuck, I'm a good dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah. Today is a good dick day. That's a nice way To wake up You're like Fuck Got it Good dick Yeah Like yeah Today is a good dick day

That's a fucking heartache Especially I love After If you had whiskey dick Couldn't get it up at night When you have it in the morning I'm gonna make amends I'm gonna make

I'm gonna make my wrongs right Those are the best fucks too Cause you're not even horny I'm not I'm fucking out of necessity here Yeah Yeah I need to get it out Like yeah If you're horny like you might come back i don't even want

to be doing this i just have though i just have a dick as hard as this fucking mic stand yeah yeah i need somewhere we're just gonna do some spoon sex i'm just gonna roll over and put it in yeah or i'll jerk it off either one's fine we were two different modes there are plenty of times i wake up alone with a heart and i'm like yeah well this is happening yeah i can't guess who's going down today it's literally staring me in the eye okay all right so we meet again i'm gonna go i have done it times before though where like i just didn't have time and i'm like trying to put my pants on and i'm like dude you got yeah we gotta go away it's like a puppy yapping at you.

It's not happening today. And those are the ones that are up. Yeah. Point due north. I'm going to go with the erection. When you have whiskey dick or you're partying too much or you're nervous or whatever, when you think you're going to have issues, but you get it up. Yeah, that's a good one.

You're on a date or you're fucking a girl for the first time or you've had a little too much to drink and you're nervous about it. You're like, fuck, I don't think I'm going to get it. I can just feel it. It's not in the cards tonight. And you start to fool around. You're like, fuck, it should be up by now. It's not.

But then you just mind over matter and you get that dick hard and you're just like yes but then but that dick is never a really good one it's like that that's a dick that's a can't change positions dick yeah if this dick i got it in let this thing breathe we're in trouble there's an airlock there's there's an it's sealed i thumbed it in i got it in and if i take it out to switch positions it's gone yeah so it's sealed I thumbed it in I got it in and if I take it out to switch positions it's gone so it's like let me get on top nope nope

like hit me from behind nope nope we're gonna have missionary for 30 seconds you let this motherfucker up off the mat game is over but that feeling

of like it's like it's like you conquered something it's like I did it I one time victory after Bruins game I was so fucking drunk.

When I'm that, I mean, hats off to you for even being there. If I'm like that, I'm like, I'm not even going to initiate because it is. It was, I went to a bar, I went home with a girl, and she started blowing me in her kitchen. And I was like, I was standing there going, this is not going to go well. Was it just soft? As I was doing that, I got hard and I started laughing I was standing going this is not gonna go as I was doing as just doing that I got hard and I started laughing she like looked up like what's going on so funny up there that's like finding $20 in your pocket I was surprised by that hard just just celebrating my dick that's's all. Keep going.

Don't stop. Don't let it out. Don't stop. Keep it in. That's great. That is great. All right. Two, I am going to go church bone.

Church bone. Love a church bone. Yeah. Fucking A. You don't know what church bones? What's that face? What is it? You get a boner at church, bro. You get hard in church, man.

That's what I thought it was. Yeah. Yeah. You hear those bells chime. Jesus looking down at you going, fuck, that was a hard cock. What's that face? You're hard in church, man Yeah You hear those bells chime Jesus looking down He goes, fuck That was a hard cock Here I am, Lord Here I am, Lord I have had sex at my church

You fucked at a church? Are you going to hell? Did you fuck at a church? Have I ever fucked at a church? No People did at school Fucked at a church parking lot, maybe? Uh, no

Buddy, I know Fucked a girl in the ass In a church parking lot Fucked at a church parking lot Yeah Those are always empty, Buddy, I know fuck your girl in the ass in the church parking lot. Fuck your church parking lot. Yeah? Like, all of us, those are always empty too. Yeah, that's kind of why.

I think it's, you know, it's only, it's only. Like, looking over there? Yep. Done. Yep. You got your, yeah, yeah, Jesus is looking down at you

and he's like, watch this. Yeah. Watch this, JC. The church. Well, I'll. Check this out, bro. She's about to put a finger in my ass.

You didn't have this shit in the fucking road to Dakota, did you? They weren't doing that in the tomb. They weren't doing that in Jerusalem in, you know, 3 BC. That's fucking great. In the same vein, I will go with school boner, class boner. Which I'll be honest, I don't know if i have i i don't have like a because i just did the waistband tuck you know yeah i don't have any horror stories about yeah i don't have the like i had to put my trapper keeper over my dick yeah then she asked

me to walk up to the board and my dick was hard because if i did i just flipped it up but i mean the thing about it is you're in school during the years of, you know, just raging hormones. So it wasn't even like, oh, no, my dick got hard in school. It's like, yeah, I breathe air. I, you know, studied. I read books, and I got hard during, you know, middle school. That was all the time. It was almost weird to not have a hard dick.

So, yeah, the school boner. Okay. Pre-nap. I take the pre-nap. Dude, pre-nap bone piece is fucking. That was what you said last week, right? The nap boner. Okay. Pre-nap. I take the pre-nap. Dude, pre-nap bone piece is fucking. That was what you said last week, right? The nap boner? Yeah.

Yeah. Because you get a pre-nap bone piece, and if you're home alone, you fucking rip that real quick, pass out. It's awesome. Yeah, it's awesome. It's a tranquilizer. Yeah. Knocks you right out.

Yeah. Come in a NyQuil or like, that's actually what the most NyQuil is, is come. But the, I got a pre-nap owner again today and i was walking i got up and i was like it was so yeah at work yeah yeah okay at last time i just check it i was like wait a minute it's a work day yeah um the uh it was um last time it happened it was like i was in like my pink shorts and they were fucking just ripping through but these pants are tight enough that like they basically just fucking buckle my dick down yeah and i got up jesus christ i mean anybody who was at work today with john was basically

sexually harassed they just didn't know it yeah exactly uh in fact blatman asked me i got up till i was like i'm gonna walk it to like I was gonna walk it off Get that blood going elsewhere and and I was walking and blackman's just Jesus Christ fights and I was like What he goes like what he gets you see it? I got those down and he's like you just you look like a mess And I was like I was like I don't know what that means. He's like, you're just like, you're walking weird. And I was like, yeah, I'm walking like I have a hard dick shoved down my pants.

I'm walking like I got a dick just swallowed up by some raw denim, okay? Leave me alone. Yeah, you're right. I do have a lip. It's because I got a fucking bone I'm trying to rip through these things. Jackie's face. She keeps doing this laugh. She goes... It's not easy, girl. It's not easy.

I was just hitting one of these. I was leaning forward too, so my shirt would go over. My shirt would stick out of the water. Yep. Yep. Makes sense. Yep, yep.

Yep, makes sense. You need a little. Jesus Christ. I got a hunchback and a peg leg. Hunchback. He goes, he keeps going here. I got a hunchback and a peg leg. Hunchback, a peg leg, and a hard dick.

Welcome to Monday at work. Oh, my God. That's amazing. I'm going to go with half chub, gray sweatpants dick. Oh. I'll let you count that as a

bone, but. A half bone. It's a half bone. It's a chubsy. It's a halfsy through the gray sweatpants where every guy, I don't care how small your dick is, with the right pants and the right halfsie, you look like you got a peach on you. And it's an awesome – A little peach.

I feel like that – if you're going to send a good quality sex, I feel like that's the picture to send. That's the one. Because it leaves room for growth even if there is no growth. It might not get much better than that it might not be much bigger whatever but she sees that and she's like oh the gray sweatpants i see the dick print it looks like it's pretty big and it's not fully so we could go even more and it's like no i can't but she thinks it can and even maybe you think it can like i'm not even

fully done yet this thing looks good i think the the dick print sweatpants boner is the better boner than the full boner yeah if you're selling full phone bones like you are right now you're messing up now it's it's like uh it's just it's just like you've showed your hand you know what i mean you it's like it's like uh you know what they say uh plus a hard dick is gross but like what do you got like what do you got a good looking fucking fucking semi piece going i'm like that's a fucking it's like i'd fuck that when it's when it's kind of hard but still down almost yeah you know because when it's up you've got that like bat skin that connects your dick to your balls oh yeah it's like a bat wing you know it's like a bat

wing that connects your dick to your balls that's weird when it's down but big it's like this looks like a you know nice dick i mean i have the exact picture we're talking about right now, and it is just, oh, it's exquisite. It's exquisite. Let me see it. Let me see it. Show it to the people. Remember when DiStefano showed his?

Yeah. He's got a fucking hog on him. He's got a fucking hog. And then he goes, no, no, no, that's just the wart. It's not that big. It's just the wart on the tip Jesus Christ Chris You're up Oh

He starts to push back On you a little bit Yeah yeah yeah The spoon bone The cuddle boner Yeah The cuddle boner Is one

Because it's not your fault Right Well it's Look what you did It's a lot like The TikTok trend Like when you lay down With your girl

And then she throws The leg over. Oh, yeah. And it's like, yep, we're fucking, my dick's going to get hard. Or if you're a big spoon and she pushes her ass back and it's like, well, you're asking for it and it's coming now. Yeah, you're asking for it. Yeah, yeah. She's asking for it.

Yeah, but like you literally are. Like you want it. In those situations, it is consensual. Yeah, if you want to get your. Consensual consensual. Yeah, if you want to get your. Consensual asking for it. Yes. If you want to get your man hard, you push your ass back into him in the big spoon. Or you throw your leg over his, like, stomach middle area when you're laying down.

It's never happened to me. And this is going to get maybe weird. But, like. Going to get and maybe has been indefinite. If you were. If she's, like, leaning back on you, right? Are we talking spoon position? Yeah, yeah. She's a little spoon.

Uh-huh. You ever think, like. Oh, boy. I didn't want to say that. You ever think, like, it might feel good if she farted? Like, wait a minute, because it's just, like, a a vibration i can't even get mad bro i don't think i can't even get mad this is the kind of thing this is what caller daddy does for 60 million so maybe we should run with this uh yes john i agree with you you just get a little uh like a

little like it's like it's like you know, you hit it with a feather. You tickle it this way, that way. What about a No, it's got to be a rippler. I mean, it's disgusting. You're disgusting. But, like, I'm not wrong. You are wrong.

I don't want it. A girl farting on your dick is not hot. I just want a fucking vibration. That's fine. We can make it vibrate another way. Fine, she can que not hot. I just want a fucking vibration. That's fine. We can make it vibrate another way. Fine, she can queef it. I don't care. This man said I can't think of any more boners.

I wish he didn't because he came up with the fart boner. God damn. Disgusting. It is. You are deplorable. Let me see your arm. God damn. Disgusting. It is. You are deplorable. Let me see your arm. I can't do it.

I can't do it. You got to feel like the, almost like the horse lips. Yeah. Just a little tickle. That would feel fucking good. I prefer to come from a fucking stinky gas. We don't have much choice now, do we? Yeah.

God damn it, John. I'm going to go with the everlasting boner. The nonstop boner. You ever just keep going? Just go for a second round? Oh, yeah. That should be higher. Actually, sometimes it's quite disappointing.

What do you mean? Because you want to be done? Yeah. I wish we were done. But you can be done. You can just take it out and be like, I'm done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you leave it in and you're like, wait a minute,

I got another one in. And then she's like, what's going on? You're doing the slow slide and you're like, wait, something might be happening here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually you're doing that like, oh like i don't even touch it you know but then when you when you when you don't feel that like i gotta take it i gotta put it away and and you keep going and she's like what is that and then it's a mess because it's just you know you're just plunging your own plunging your own cum saying plunging is grosser than me saying a fart

and feel good. It's certainly challenging it. It certainly is plunging your own cum. But man, it's just like a fucking dog

in a bunch of mayonnaise. Oh, it goes. Oh, he was like, we said you could say me took it too far. Come on far Come on

Come on guys But that does make me feel like a rock star You know It's the closest I get to a porn star Alright Your last one Oh I know

The Shave Boner Whoa Yep Yeah You're just fucking There's enough stimulation Yeah you're closing around Also cause Hang on a second Also cause when you're Yeah. You're just fucking. There's enough stimulation. Yeah, you're closing it around. Also because.

Hang on a second. Also because when you're doing it, you're thinking, like, you're either about to go out on a date. You're about to have sex. You're thinking about it. I got to clean this up for sexual purposes. And then there's a little. Little farts going. Yeah, a little vibration.

You're pulling it this way and that way. Next thing you know, he's like, let me help you out. I'll just lift it up. Yeah. At the garage door. Oh, you're going down there? Sure. I got you out. I'll just lift it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the garage door. Oh, you're going down there? Sure, I got you. The drawbridge.

Lift it up. All right. My last one, I'm just going to go with, like, your hardest boner. Like, when you got a rock hard one. When you're like, this is the hardest erection on record. What does De Niro say, I think, in Meet the Parents're like, this is the hardest erection on record. This is what is what is De Niro say? I think in Meet the Parents or not the other one. Analyze this when he's out.

He's in he's having trouble getting it up. And that's when he's like, that's why he's in therapy. And I've seen it. You ever seen that? No. Oh, man, that's funny. He's in therapy as a it's kind of like a mobster. Yeah, I know the premise. And he's talking about he's like, you know, how he used to be able to get hard.

He's like, I used to be able to, like, you know, fucking dock, like, point to the sky, could hang a wet towel on it. And that, like, that one, because when, like, you know, when you do have to thumb it in or when it's just halfway there and you can't take it out, you can't switch positions, all that shit, when it's just like, this is gonna this one's gonna impale you it's that one and i know we advised against this but it's the one you like if you're sending a bone phone phone bone yeah and yeah you're going full steam ahead yes so one way because you ever get that like where you're like all right you're jerking as hard as it can yeah and you quickly and try to take a picture.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. When I'm about to take a picture, I flex. You get all the blood in one last shot. It does a little jump. Jumps up and down. And sometimes the flash is going off, so it's like, nope, didn't get it. Didn't get it.

Didn't work. All right. So you. Oh, wait a minute. Hang on. oh wait a minute hang on my my actual my my uh uh my honorary my honorable mention is uh when you're trying to clone your penis boner yeah which is your if you're going to be able to do that it's got to be your artist yeah yeah or actually my true honorable mention i had a buddy uh who broke his neck dove in the pool hit hit hit bottom, broke his neck, like, you know, all the way top down, like, fully paralyzed.

And after, like, a few weeks in the hospital, and he's like, we pretty much know, like, what he's facing and what he's going to be able to use and not use. And he got a random boner. And he didn't know if he was, if that could happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like, fucking let's go. I can still get my dick hard. So the paralyzed boner is way up because he's like, now,

you know, somebody can just like hop up on it now. So, uh, at least I've still got that going. So the paralyzed boner. All right. Uh,

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and you get 50% off that ED treatment. Get ready for the summer. Have the confidence you need. Get Roman ready. Voicemails, let's go, Nick. Hey, what's up, guys? So I just went to see a therapist for the first time in like 10 years. And she asked me what or she asked me how I perceive myself. So I just started telling her honestly what I think

about myself. And after a few seconds, she completely like looked very concerned, looked at me and just asked, what happened to you? And I didn't think that what I was saying was that bad. So my question to you guys is, is there anything that you've said to a therapist that you didn't think was that bad, but really threw them for a loop? All right. Thanks guys. Did you make your therapist cry?

Oh, what time? Yeah. I feel like every time John has a session, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, back it up. Oh, it does nothing for me. It just ruins her day. That's the only reason I keep going. Yeah. Was it you, though?

Somebody told me the other day that the therapist was like, hang on. I need a moment here. Oh, yeah. You're telling me what? Yeah, you talked about – yes. Yeah, you've been talking about other issues, like just regular running issues, and then something new was introduced to your life, and they were like, wait, now we got to deal with this? Hold the fucking phone.

She literally was like, all right, hang on. I got to recruit here. And I was like, all right, fine. This is just my life, bitch. Dude, you're saying that was a Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like it's almost the reverse. No, yeah, it's Google hunting.

Like, this shit is easy for me. Oh, you're horrified? But this is my life. This is just every day for me. It's every day, bro. It is wild, though, when you make like a New York City therapist be like, hang on. Oh, shit, man. That's a lot.

Yeah. Right. So you are. I'd be like, are you okay? Yeah. Do you need a tissue? You heard a story. You need a tissue. This is be like, are you okay? Yeah. Do you need a tissue? You heard a story. You need a –

This is what happens to me every night. Yeah. We close this Zoom and that's it for you. You get to leave this. I live with this. I have to go back to my life. Do you – I'm sure like when I explain – when I've explained – it's actually not – it's the opposite. A lot of these doctors will be like, yeah – no, I guess it's what he it's the opposite a lot of these doctors will be like

yeah no I guess I guess that's what he's talking about like when they're like you know tell me about you know why are you stressed or whatever

and I like lay it out there and they're kind of like oh so you have stress at work like yeah but then I explain what stress at work entails and it's like well I've got this toxic thing

over here and I've got these fans over here and I've got this and then they're like oh well well shit that is the hard thing

because like people will be like oh like you have an instagram like that's like no no it's it's not yeah it's it's significantly larger than that i get i get i've gotten therapists who have been like listen i have clients who are like billionaires i have clients who are wall street hedge fund guys i have high stress leverage situations and i'm like okay yeah yeah but like did i have like reddit threads about them i have like tons of mean people in their dms like this is different this is different i promise you that so sometimes but that's what he's saying sometimes i'll like explain it so i'll be like yeah you know so i had like uh you know like

blah blah blah say this about my family and they're like oh it's like that huh oh yeah i didn't think that was gonna phase you that's i'm over that yeah that's not even why we're here i'm just telling you that was i'm just telling you details yeah yeah that was that was so in 2020 promise like that's i don't even care i like when i had uh the first i think the first time i had a meeting with it was even with her and it was like do you have suicidal thoughts and i was like well yeah a regular amount and she's like what regular amount zero and I was like, well, yeah, a regular amount. And she's like, what? A regular amount is zero. And I was like, bullshit.

Says who? Clinical doctor. Are you talking about a regular amount is zero? There's no chance. I've been fucking having those thoughts since I was like three. I was like, I'll just crawl out the window. Jar! Jar!

Jackie, we need a new jar. You got to order a new jar. We've been off the rails since we gave away the jar. You got to order a new jar. Yeah. We've been off the rails since we gave away the jar. Yeah, yeah, for real. We need the jar to keep us in check. All right, next up. What's up, KFC, Fights, Jackie, rest of the gang?

How we doing? I was listening to the pod this past week. I love all the talk about the inverted dicks and farting out your balls, all that stuff. It made me think about when I was playing JV football in high school. I had this guy in the locker room who would do what he called PP puppeteer. So he would kind of just twist his dick in all kinds of different contortions.

One of the best that he did was he made his dick and balls look like Squidward, which was pretty hilarious. He did a Krabby Patty as well and everything in between. Gunned. You didn't have a locker room boner. So that's my question for you guys. Fights, I know you grew up in a hockey locker room yourself. What's kind of your favorite locker room antics, you know,

when all the guys are getting together? I can't believe you didn't have a locker room boner. You know, between practice and whatnot. Shower with the boys, boner. I don't think I ever got a hard in the locker room. That might be a bridge too far. Is it? I don't know.

You guys are so gay. I have no idea what's fair and what's not. That would be funny. Like, I could see myself in some, like, a sitcom scenario where I'm like, I never played hockey. I get to finally be a part of a hockey locker room, and I walk in with a boner, and they're like, whoa. Come on, dude.

We fucking touch each other's balls, but nobody gets hard. What are you fucking gay? When you said sort of poof, nobody gets hard during this. The, uh, I never did any of this shit though. I never, I never had a, I mean, I was always like my friends, like we didn't do the penis tricks. I'm a big, I was always a big helicopter gang. I mean, I do that for myself, my own enjoyment.

I never did in front of other people. Did you in front of everybody? Yeah. Fuck yeah. I was like, I never, I never had my dick out in front of other people. You get in front of everybody? Yeah, fuck yeah. I was like fucking... I never had my dick out in front of other guys. I was an Apache man. I feel so lame.

Yeah. Never played with my dick in front of other men. But the wristwatch, I ripped the wristwatch a lot too. Yeah, that's... But the... Oh, gum.

You just take some of your balls. You don't think you... You don't get a ball. You just get some of the ball skin. Skin, yeah. You kind of just pull that off the fly and you're like, got gum stuck to my leg um the my my favorite one though was uh so my buddy would do this thing when we got like new kids on team and he'd be like

we'd be like yo do you know about his uh his glowing hands and we'd like kind of like we'd start to tell we just want to plant the seed in their head during practice. We'd be like, dude, his hands glow. It's the weirdest fucking thing. And they'd be like, what? And we'd be like, dude, it's crazy. You've got to see it. And ask him to do it one time.

And they'd be like, no, no, no. So we'd get in the locker room afterwards. And they'd be like, look, I told Chris about it. You've got to show him. And he'd be like, I don't want to show him right now. I'd be like, you've got to show him the glowing hands. And he'd be like, oh, I told Chris about it. Like, you got to show him. And he'd be like, I don't want to show him right now. But you got to show him the glowing hands. And he'd be like, oh, fine. All right.

So he'd get up and he'd walk over to the kid. And he'd be like, all right, here we go. Hang on. He'd start going like this. And he'd be like, I can't get it. I can't get it. All right. He's like, turn the lights off.

Turn the lights off. And he'd kind of do it again. And he's like, it's not fucking. He's like, all right, turn it back on. Turn it back on. And he just takes it off. And he'd hold him up to the light. And he'd be like, for some reason, it's not working today. He goes, all on, turn it back on. And he like, he like, he like, hold him up to the light and he's like,

for some reason it's not working today. He goes, all right, turn him off again, turn him off again. And then, he's like, all right,

all right, back on. And then he used to be completely naked in the kid's face. And like, when you're like, you're like,

just like the freshman on the team, like, if it happened to me, like, I was so, I was like, I gotta see his glowing hands.

So it's like, in this position. So you're like, intently looking and just dicking your face. Just like a cock on the team. If it happened to me, I was like, I got to see his glowing hands. So you're like intently looking and just dicking your face. Just like a cock right here. Like, I'm a son of a bitch. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. It is. Amazing.

Amazing. Can you believe that there was a dude who came up with that? There was a guy who was like, I'm going to play this game. I'm going to pretend my hands glow. And the punchline is going to be my dick in his face. And he came up with that? There was a guy who was like, I'm going to play this game where I'm going to pretend my hands glow and the punchline's going to be my dick in his face. And he came up with that. And it's been passed down for generations now. Amazing.

I love it. I cannot, that is spectacular. The only, I mean, the only, I just cracked my dick, that's it. That's all I got. That's all I got. All right, last voicemail's brought to you by Bare Bottom Clothing. I told you, I went on this bachelor trip this weekend

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So this last weekend, went out with my buddies, you know, had a good time, whatever. The morning after, I woke up in a parking ramp elevator. I was just wondering, what's the weirdest thing you've done or the weirdest place you've woken up after a night out of fucking binge drinking. I woke up in a Jersey Shore, one of those

halfway houses where it's like 12 and a half you know, 13 and a half and they all shared this rock driveway like gravel driveway and i slept in my buddy's car we called it hotel volvo for the night there was no beds free and i passed out in his back seat and i woke up to like the jersey shore sun the car must have been 300 degrees i woke up like and his sunroof was not open, but the glass was there. And there was a seagull, giant seagull.

There must have been some food on top of the car. And I'm sitting there pecking at the glass. And I woke up to that, and I was like, am I in Jurassic Park? What is going on? I felt like Sweet D, am I in America? I thought I was in the zoo. I was like, ah! It was hot, sweating in a pool of sweat with a giant bird like a foot away from me.

I didn't know what the fuck had happened. It was terrifying. I opened the door and fell out of it. Ah! Get me out of here! I'd probably have to say a hospital. Yeah, that'll do it. A hospital or a jail cell. Two places you don't want to wake up Hospital would be my number one

Yeah That'll do it With a cracked skull What was that? Newport I just never came home And people went to look for me Found me in a fucking flower pot

Outside a Hollywood pizza With a fucking blood everywhere Just like I don't think I know this one It wasn't a cracked skull But my head was split open I mean Yeah Do you know what happened? No No idea It was like 18 staples I think it was I don't think I know this one. It wasn't a cracked skull, but my head was split open. I mean, yeah.

Do you know what happened? No, no idea. Totally blackout. It was like 18 staples, I think it was. John, how do I not know this? 18 staples in your fucking skull? Yeah, back here. No wonder you're brain dead.

You must have had a massive concussion. I guess, probably. The going theory was that I got bottled. Because like, who falls back, right? When you fall,

you fall forward. Eh. Yes, but you could, I mean, you could easily fall. I, I have no,

bump into a fucking flower pot and you fall back that way. I have no idea what happened. Jesus Christ. I think they actually, you know, I think Bob, I think Bob was right

because I think there was glass in it. Holy shit. And then somebody took you, you think? You woke up in the hospital. My friends took me. Holy shit. And then somebody took you, you think? You woke up in the hospital. My friends took me. Okay. They found you.

They found me and took me. Wow. And you woke up just like, what the fuck? Woke up very, very confused, yes. Holy shit. You are a gangster, dude. All right. Natalie Cuomo joins the show now.

Very funny comedian. Beautiful chick. Love her. Super big crush on her, great guest. It's brought to you by 3Chi. Natalie, you want to get together and have some 3Chi? We'll have a great night. 3Chi's got a little Delta-8 THC extract where you pop some gummies, you smoke the vape, or you eat their edibles. They've got the Rice Krispies treats, the brownies, and the cookies.

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Must be 21 to purchase and to use. It's not just CBD. It's a psychoactive. It's the real deal. 3chi.com. Promo code KFC2021. Natalie Cuomo on KFC Radio. Let's talk to her. It's not just CBD. It's a psychoactive. It's the real deal. 3chi.com. Promo code KFC2021. Natalie Cuomo on KFC Radio. Let's talk to her. All right. So I've been being really awkwardly anxious for the last, I don't know, three minutes. Should I have waited for you? Like

when you walk someone in the bathroom, is it rude to leave? No, it'd be weird if you waited. Okay. Would it be weird if you came out and I was just like in the hallway still? No, it'd be weird. That'd be weird. You'd be like, you knew how long I was just in the hallway still. No, it would be weird. That would be weird. You'd be like, you knew how long I was going to be here. That's what I was thinking. But if you had, I almost walked over there because I was like, well, maybe she doesn't know where the studio is. But then you would have been like, are you just fucking waiting for me in the bathroom the whole time?

I think we handled it well. I had too much coffee today. That's what I mean. It's like, this is, you know. This is a lot. The bathroom situation can get weird. Everything can get weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. It's like this is, you know. This is a lot. The bathroom situation can get weird. It's a weird. Everything can get weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on? Thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me. Yeah. It's our pleasure. Yeah. You kind of, you intimidate me with the tats.

Oh, really? Yeah. But I feel like you're also like, even just in this 30 seconds, I feel like you're like a very sweet person and very nice. Thank you. But maybe you could have also been like scary and badass. I could have been scary and badass, but. Can you be nice and badass?

You can be nice and badass. I think I'm badass, but I'm a nice person. Yeah. Which is the best thing to be, right? Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Do you think that you, do people, do you think you intimidate people because of your tats and stuff?

The whole style, too, like biker chick, tats, even female comedians have like an intimidation factor about them. I think people are generally surprised when they get to know me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. They're like, oh, wow, you're a little more like timid or self-conscious than I thought you would be. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. I mean, I thought, I think the first thing I heard about you was like, it was when I saw you at Factory on like one of the Prohibition comedy nights.

And I forget if you said it there. Maybe you said it on Are You Garbage? You said you have seven coffins tattooed on you. And I was like, all right, that's pretty. One coffin. Okay, two maybe. Seven. Seven.

There's an intimidation factor. Okay, it's not true. I have zero coffins. Oh, okay. I have zero coffins. It's a joke. It's a joke. But I believed it was maybe possible. But if you look at me, I have other things that are worse than coffins. Like what? I don't know. It's worse than a coffin. Like graves

are the same thing. Oh, alright. So how many graves do you have? One grave, a couple skeletons. And a partridge in a pear tree. Exactly. What's your favorite tat? My favorite tattoo. Oh, this is really.

I like these fangs. I think they're fun. Oh, I like I have this giant dragon on my thigh. I think that's my favorite tattoo. And how many do you know? Have you lost count? Do you know how many you have? I have no idea dragon on my thigh. I think that's my favorite tattoo. And how many do you know? Have you lost count? Do you know how many you have? I have no idea.

Really? Yeah. I really, I could count them. Yeah. Yeah, there's a way to find out, but. I think it would be like a cool way to flirt with someone. Like, hey, you want to count my tattoos? Count my tattoos.

That would get the job done. I would approve of that, yes. It'd be awkward, though. But again, I'd be like, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. Okay, all right. Let's start counting. Let's start counting. I want to get a tattoo.

I have no tattoos right now. I think I pretty much have to wait until my mom dies. Really? Yeah, she's a fucking wacko about that. You can't get a secret one? I mean, but then what's the point? So your tattoos are like DiStefano's heterosexuality? In the closet.

I'm in the tattoo closet until my mom dies. I love it. I mean, I've never, for the longest time, I didn't know what tattoo I would want to get. And my body's wildly disgusting. What do you mean? It's not great. Underneath the clothes, it's not great. I got a skinny fat thing going on.

It's just, you know. Interesting. So, you know, it's not exactly the best canvas to paint the clothes. It's not great. Okay. I got a skinny fat thing going on. It's just, you know. Interesting. So, you know, it's not exactly the best canvas to paint. So I was always like, I got to get the canvas right. And then I got to come up with something I want. The canvas is never going to get right. So we're just going to have to bite that bullet. Counter argument.

I feel like a lot of guys get tattoos. It makes them more attractive and it covers up their body. You think? Okay. Like he draws attention to that instead there are a lot of guys that don't have good bodies that get girls because they have tattoos and like the bad boy thing going on it's not me it does feel like it feels like a little bit it definitely is true we it's like the it's been for a long time now Because we used to Try to convince Hank Oh yeah

Who's a kid who works here Who's skinny And He's tall and skinny And wanted to get like Jacked He tried to Try to get to 200 pounds

By drinking gallons of milk And he just got a big belly Instead He just had a big cum belly Yeah Yeah he looked like he was pregnant He was just full of cum That's so cute

And we were like Stop it Grow a beard Dress in black get some tats And like you'll that will be your style I don't believe that you have a gross body You understand We're in the same room I know you can see

It's very It's I almost Sometimes I wish I was just fat fat I think that's easier than being skinny fat Elaborate Because like well within, within reason. I don't want to be like on My 600-lb Life on TLC. But there are fat guys who kind of just are like – they just got like a belly and they kind of like do like the funny fat thing.

And then there's me. Looks okay. But then like we're at the beach and it's like, whoa, I didn't think it was going to be like that. Wow. I mean now you're making me think. I also have body dysmorphia and horrible self-esteem. That's really what's going on here. This is body dysmorphia.

Also, I feel like you're starting to work at an angle because Natalie's into this. Maybe that's the new thing. Well, let me see. I've got to see for myself. I'll count the tattoos. You judge my skinny fat body. It's a thing. You lower the expectations.

It's my whole life. And then they see it and they're like, oh, that's fine. It's all right. I can take it. Keep the bar on the ground. I like to dig out a little divot and put the bar into that so it's lower than the ground. And then anything from there is – I mean, I do that with everything. Forget about my gross body.

Do it with work. Do it with friends. Yeah. All of that. That's the key to life. I just keep saying my gross body. That'll be my deal. body do it with work do it with friends all of that that's the that's the key to life i just keep saying my gross that'll be my you can just call your body at this point i love it uh i hate it but whatever um so we we saw you on are you garbage i think that was like

when i first got introduced to you. What was your... Were you deemed garbage or not garbage? I was a bit garbage, yes. A bit garbage? Yes, I was garbage. Did you? Yeah, come on.

Were you garbage or not garbage? I was garbage. I was. I feel like it's good to be garbage. If you're not garbage, you're boring. Yes, exactly. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Especially if you go on the show and they're like, that means all your answers were boring and you weren't fun. I declared before I started, I was like, I will not be garbage. I guarantee you that. He's a garbage man. And what happened? He's super garbage. They deemed him garbage in like 35 seconds. I think he said, I'm not garbage.

And then immediately Was like I've been in theaters For the premiere Of every Fast and the Furious movie And they're like You're garbage You're garbage That's it

Like show over No it was like When was the last time You wet the bed And I was like Oh I don't know It's been a while But I did have a system

For how to hide Wetting the bed And they were like You had a what Yeah you're garbage It's a pretty good system System So like I mean Again it's been a while.

But it used to be a consistent theme. Mid-20s, late college or after college, mid-20s, like, there were some nights when we were pissing beds. Drunk? Drunk, yeah. No, no, no. I wasn't just standing next to it sober. No, no. But it wasn't like a little kid issue.

It was like you were drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when we were. Oh, yeah, I'm not a sociopath. Well, that's to be decided. But, like. You't like a little kid issue. It was like you were drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when we were – Oh, yeah, I'm not a sociopath. Well, that's to be decided. But like – You're definitely a sociopath. You're not the being.

I remember I had said to him like, how many beds have you peed in? He was like, how many beds have I slept in? So we were on that level for – this is early 20s. So he's a changed man. Yeah, I'm a real adult now. But so what I would do is if I took a lady home with me, I'd be like, oh fuck, she's going to wake up in a bed of piss. So what I would

do is I would get a water bottle and I would just pretend that spilled. So I'd leave the cap off. Just leave it tipped over. You wake up. I'd be like, oh fuck, water spilled everywhere. May I ask a question? You bet. Was your pee unscented? When you're that drunk, it's just water.

Really? It's like the same thing as when a girl squirts. We don't know. It's all mixed up. I bet it's different. Yeah, I mean, like, I'm kind of an expert in the field. Was anyone ever like, eh? Oh, I don't think anyone ever believed a single second.

Yeah, they probably were. Yeah, I don't think anyone ever believed a single second. But I could – yeah, they probably would. Yeah, this is a perfect pee puddle. This is not a spilled water bottle, bro. I'm not an idiot. This is a bed of piss. That's like if I had a period blood state and I was like, oh, my God, sorry, baby. I was just painting my nails while we were sleeping. Imagine that.

Wake up to a red nail polish bottle and just tipped over. I guess as a penance for all the times I did do that, I've had a girl do that too. And she left in the middle of the night. I don't know who she was, but she just left in the middle of the night and I woke up and I was just like, it was a crime scene.

She had a heavy flow. I ruined a mattress a couple days ago. A whole mattress, huh? I said, do you want me to get you new sheets? He said, don't worry about it. I said, I don't. It's funny because what guys think is a crime scene, girls are like, yeah, all of my sheets look like this.

This is what it means to be a woman. What a fiasco. Wait, you guys have gross sheets? I know you guys have gross underpants. It is. It's actually, it's a, it's such a fucking rumor that, like,

women's underwear is sexy. No, it's not sexy. It is horrifying. And before you put it on, it's sexy. Yeah, sure. On the mannequin

in Victoria's Secret, it looks nice. It looks great after, you know, like, a long day of work. Not so much. It's just, that's a true fiasco.

Yeah. Put that in the hammer. There's lingerie. You changed into underwear right before. Yeah, there's underwear and there's lingerie. It's two different, yeah, yeah, yeah. That, yeah, it's not a. Yeah, I've said I've had like, I mean, I have a couple of them because it's a topic we talk

about extensively. It looks like a camel spitting it. Yeah, it always, it's like someone used it to wax their car. It's like, what? The color's all over this. It is colorful a camel spitting it. Yeah. It's like someone used it to wax their car. It's like, what is the colors all over this? It is colorful. It is very colorful.

Fucking taste the rainbow, man. It's all over the place. The beginning of, it's like a Jenny Slate movie. It's like the first line in a Jenny Slate movie is about women's underwear being disgusting.

What did she say? Something about, I don't know, something about it being disgusting. It's kind of like this unspoken thing that we're all just like,

we're going to pretend that you guys are still beautiful, feminine, dainty. Women are so much grosser than us. Thank you. Preach, sister. We've been saying it forever, but girls are always like, no, no, no. I'm like, walk into the girl's bathroom. Walk into a girl's dorm room.

Walk into an apartment shared by four girls. That's a crime scene. Like, guys, you have a little bit of hair on the saying maybe you don't clean the toilet i guess that's gross but it's hair versus like fluids all sorts of stuff you guys just stick it everywhere like you guys just like stick it everywhere in the hair on the wall why why do we we doing? Why do you do that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are making like artwork on there.

Yeah, yeah. It's very creative. Why? It's like get them to the Greek, like the furry wall. It's like, why is my shower covered?

Like the walls are painted in hair. What is happening right now? It really grosses me out. You know what else grosses me out is the brush full of hair. Oh, the brush full of hair

is nasty. I almost like want, I'm like, let me get it out. I'll get a scissor. I'll start chopping it out. Does the brush even work anymore? It's like it doesn't even have little comb things anymore because it's just filled with. It's gross.

Women are truly disgusting. I think we're all in agreement on that. But I like to hear thank you for admitting it because usually we have to fight this fight. Right. Where are you from? I'm from Queens. So you're a New York girl, through girl through and through yeah do you like it here i do yeah i mean i if i wasn't in entertainment i would probably be in a different city where would you go you think i don't know i mean i've just been here my whole life it's my favorite place in the world but like i've been here my entire life so i if i didn't have i always say like this

goddamn fucking loving family that i have that like keeps me here i feel like if i was just an orphan i could go wherever i want because i would get the fuck out of here i'd be gone man yeah i feel like a lot of people though tried to during the pandemic like people fleeing la and fleeing new york and then things get back to normal somewhat and they're like oh wait a minute yeah wherever I picked fucking socks. Totally. Where do you think you would go? I don't know. I feel like I haven't seen enough of anything.

I've just been in New York. Where's the farthest you've ever traveled? Paris. Pretty far. I thought you were just going to be like Brooklyn. So you've been around. Very typical but only for like maybe four days at a time. It's never been on vacation.

Is it working? Yeah. It's a totally different experience, too. I feel like if you go away on business, you can only still have the night. You don't have the night. What are you doing in the day? Who gives a shit about the day? Well, I didn't go for stand-up.

I wasn't. I'm not that. We're not there yet? Maybe now, but then it was like I went as an au pair. So it was. Yeah. How long did you do that for? Maybe a week.

Yeah. Oh, okay. It was like a family. No, no, no. I mean, how long were you an au pair for? Oh, was I an au? That did not last long, huh? No, no, no.

Your family, you did a bad job. No, no, no. And the kids are dead now, so I got fired. I love the kid. I was a nanny for, like, a year, and then I stopped working for them. I lived in LA for a year, to be fair. And then I moved back to New York, and they were like, we're going to Paris. Do you want to come with us?

And I was like, we're going to be reunited in Paris. This is so exciting. So that was fun. The au pair life is. The au pair life is... The au pair life. I feel like if you get, you know, you get the right family, the right salary, and the right lifestyle, it's like you get to just live that lifestyle. You're going to Paris, you're going here, you're going there.

You lived with them too, right? Yeah. Well, they lived in a hotel, so it was pretty sweet. Okay. They lived in like, oh, like Suite Life of Zack and Cody shit? Suite Life of Zack and Cody, baby. Cold's gross. I love.

I always wanted that. But some people say like, no, no, it's terrible. You think that, but then it's terrible. I feel like I could crush the hotel life. Well, I imagine, like if I lived in a regular fucking room at the Holiday Inn. But I think if you're living in a hotel, you're usually like. No, there's a kitchen. Here's the holiday inn. But I think if you're living in a hotel, you're usually like. No, there's a kitchen. Here's the counter argument.

If you're living in a nice hotel, that means the house you were living in before was really fucking nice. Yeah. So it's not great. You know what I mean? You are like downgrading in a sense. You are. You are.

Like for us, it's like, wow, this is amazing. For them, they're like, I used to have 18 bathrooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do you get the, do you still get like the maid life part of it or is it like your apartment? Yeah, I'm the maid life. No, but – Yeah, no, I cleaned it all up.

Yeah, I stopped to clean up all their shit. And then you do – were you doing comedy while you were doing that? Yes, yeah. That's got to be a great source of material. I had some shows like set up in Paris and I was there, but it's just like I didn't have enough time. I had to prioritize that and then yeah i could i couldn't go just for that maybe this year like i could plan that yeah it was a few years ago and now full-time comedy

yes full-time comedy so what what uh what made you like finally make the jump where you're just like i gotta go all in on this um yeah i feel like i had enough savings to not have a side job and i mean i always want to just go all in on it so yeah i feel like you could do both though no it's really hard to i guess if you have to take care of my night you can't but like yeah it is a true day job i feel like it's a good source of material good source of money and you can still do the comedy thing but i don't know know. I guess at some point you've got to make it your full commitment. My therapist was like, you can't have a backup plan. If you have a backup plan, then you believe you're not going to succeed.

I feel like that's such bad advice. From someone you pay professionally for advice. Yes, get all. Oh, you're using a parachute? No, no, no, no. Would you stop being a pussy? Just jump i don't know i'm scared like she's see i i i always joke that my therapist gives bad advice because she doesn't give advice she's just enabling she's just like like i'll say i'll say i just killed a homeless guy and she'll be like well you're trying your

best so like she she has never criticized literally a thing I've done yeah but I always oh I love her yes but then I'm always like kind of in search of that like where it's like no I want you

to like push back and like but then the minute they do it I'm like well alright fuck this now you're attacking me okay

now you're just being rude very sensitive she always hits you with the what would it feel like what would it feel like to just you know just be happy

that you did that again I killed a guy wow felt great in a life left his eyes I feel like to just be happy that you did that. Again, I killed a guy. Wow. It felt great. The light left his eyes. Do you like that she's so validating? I mean, well, I go sometimes.

I haven't gone in three weeks. It's been three weeks. That's nice. Going right before therapy, is it just me, or you're like, I don't want you're like i don't want to do this the the happiest day of my life so far well not my life my summer was uh like two fridays ago she didn't show up and like she goodwill hunting me which she just sent an email and i don't check emails so she'd send an email being like i'm not gonna be here this week and i just didn't check it but i was like i was sitting there dreading it and i sat i finally sat on the Zoom for like five minutes. I was like, oh, she's just not coming.

I'm out. And it was. That's the best. That's like when the teacher doesn't show up. You realize. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Okay.

Easy day. Until therapy does not feel like another thing to worry about, I don't want to do it. It's just like something else on my schedule. It's like having a meeting and having a work thing to do for me. I'm like, this is making it worse for me. So I don't want to do it. It's just like something else on my schedule. It's like having a meeting and having a work thing to do for me. I'm like, this is making it worse for me. So I'm not going to do it. This is something hard? No.

I hate it. Couldn't possibly challenge myself like that. It's the worst. How long have you been doing it? Since I was in high school. Yeah. Yeah. New York.

Yeah. I mean, city kids, you probably need it right away new york city life as a kid is fucking wacky man it is like everyone else is you know like playing in the backyard riding bikes and you guys are on the six train when you're like four years old and it's just not normal yeah you're smoking cigs when you're like seven drinking 40s by the time you're 12 you have sex when you're 13 you You're in jail by your 18th birthday. It's crazy. Yeah, we used to get these cigarettes and flushing. They were $2 a pack.

Oh, my God. A full pack? Yeah, $2 a pack. Two bucks? They were called... What were they called? I feel like I'm going to say the wrong name, and it's going to sound, like, messed up,

so I'm not even going to do it. But they were, like, these crazy... It was crazy. Like a full... Full pack and flushing. You get it from this guy. Yeah, they tasted like steak. Tasted like steak?

Yeah. Hang on a second. These things still in business. I'll send a picture of them. I'll send it to you. Were they like Lucy's? Were they like packed by them and they put them together? It was like manufactured somewhere.

They were manufactured. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone loved them. It was like a thing. It was in. Two dollars. And then they'd order this drug called 2CP. Have you guys heard of that?

No. It was legal, but... 2CP? It was not illegal yet. It was just like a powder you could order online that everyone... It was like a mix with... It was like just a drug that got you fucked up and everyone would just take it. It's a powder that you snort it?

You snort it. You mostly take it. Just, like, eat it. Like a fucking pop stick? No, like a pill. Like, put it in a pill. Like, put it in a pill capsule. Oh, so you had to make your own pills?

How old were you making your own pills at? This is why city kids need that. No, it was fucked up. Like, high school was fucked, man. It was fucked up. High school was fucked, man. It was fucked up. Put some stank on that. In the library, people were trying to... I have a distinct memory of someone trying to smoke Oxy out of a light bulb in the library.

In school. My high school was fucking bonkers. How do you do that out of a light bulb? How do you do that? Like, you try to make it like some sort of weird... Like a weird bong bowl type of thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not okay.

Not acceptable. Dude, now I realize what pussies we were in the suburbs because I thought we were badass when we were in middle school. But we were putting... You'd put a menthol cough drop in your mouth, and then you'd smoke a teabag. And, like, that was supposed to get you high.

How did you smoke a teabag? You'd fucking light it on fire. The actual bag? And then, like, suck on the teabag? How do you smoke a teabag? You just light it on fire. Do you roll it up, or do you smoke it like a square thing? We did it once.

One time ever I did it. But it was, like, you just kind of fold it. You just kind of take a teab time ever I did it. But it was just kind of folded. You just kind of take a teabag and fold it. The extent to which children will go to feel something. It was terrible. I remember, I don't know if this was true or like an urban legend, but there was like one chick who was a couple years older than us who was just scary and intimidating.

I think the rumor was that she used just like flip her hair over the desk and like blow a line and flip her hair back. Oh, wow. Whoa. She didn't make a mess, huh? That chick, Anna, is no fucking joke. I was like, okay. I was like, I'm trying to have a sip of wine from my dad's liquor cabinet.

You're blowing lines out of your Trapper Keeper, out of your Fivepper keeper at your five star in sophomore year. We had this one, this couple, this is a middle school zoo. The girl would like, sometimes she would just pull her pants down a little bit, and then other times she had a skirt and she'd pull that up,

but she would basically hang her pussy out of, you know how those chairs had the metal piece that you could kind of fit out the middle. Stick your ass out of the middle know how those chairs had, like, the, like, there's a metal piece and you can kind of, like, fit out the middle. Stick your ass, like, out of the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's the back and then, yeah. How does she get, okay.

You gotta really stick it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have, like, that little bottom. You know, like, there is, there's enough room, I think. Oh, okay. I mean, at least it looked like it. Wow. Yeah.

You're really bringing me back here. And her boyfriend would fucking take his shoes off and, like, tow her. And, like, tow her. It was. What do you got for that, Queens? Is that, what do you got going on there? fucking take his shoes off and like, and like, it was, what do you got for that? What do you got going on there? Honestly, seventh grade,

you named them. I almost just did, but I'm not, let's not, let's not seventh grade. I was very traumatized because we had to sit in alphabetical order. And, uh, the girl with the last name after mine,

she would cut herself in every single class in the classroom. And I'd have to fucking watch her. And I'd have to watch. It was like I would tell my teachers and they'd be like. We don't know what the fuck to do. She'd take an exacto knife and be like just carving in in math class. Jesus. And I would be like having.

I would like. I was like having a mental breakdown. Yeah. Like every day I was like I don't want to go to school. I don't want to watch her. Change your fucking last name. You know. Natalie Zwomo now. Yeah. Like every day I was like, I don't want to go to school. I don't want to watch her. Change your fucking last name. You know, Natalie's Zwomo now.

Right? I was like, I'm going to change my homeroom. I can't do this anymore. That is intense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that city life is kind of wacky.

She came up to me after school one day in seventh grade and she was like, should I use the real name? Whatever. She came up to me, she goes, Natalie,

she had a boyfriend. She's like, Robert and I are going to kill ourselves tonight. She goes, Natalie. She had a boyfriend. She's like, Robert and I are going to kill ourselves tonight. And then she left. Right. And I'm like, and I go to the guidance counselor and I'm like crying. And I'm like, they're going to kill themselves tonight. What did they do? I couldn't sleep.

I didn't do my homework that night. I was like crying in my parents' bed. I go to school the next morning she's just like yeah and that's the first lesson you learn on attention seeking

you know it's like don't cry wolf next time I'm not gonna fucking react Jesus Christ we're gonna kill

ourselves tonight kids like that are absolutely fucked man do you see the girl who adults like that we're normal, though.

Yeah, well, it's more acceptable for us. You professionally make that joke. We get paid for that. We literally have a jar. Where'd the jar go? We have a jar here. Anytime somebody makes a suicide joke, we're supposed to put a dollar in. Oh, yay.

So now we're just filling it up, though. It's not like it's stopping us. It's amazing. You're filling it up. But did you see the girl who she got let out of prison or the asylum she was in? She killed her friend because of that Slenderman shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like an internet it's like a YouTube video it's like scary looking Slenderman character who is like, you have to kill your friend or I'm going to kill your family. And these kids believed it and fucking stabbed their

friend 19 times. Now she's getting out. She did not need to do it 19 times. Well, that's what I'm saying. Her excuse was like, I thought that the Slenderman was going to kill my family or whatever the whole urban legend thing is. It's like, okay, fine. But what about the 17 other stabs?

I'll give you a second one. You got to get the job done. The next, then you're just running up the score. She should have just said she had OCD, honestly. It's got to be the exact same amount of times. Where's the jar? We got to be filling this thing up. We gave it away.

We gave the actual jar? I think so. We got to get a new jar. Yeah. We got back. We did our first live show since the actual jar? I think so, right? Yeah, I got to get a new jar. Yeah. We got back. We did our first live show since the pandemic. That's fun. And we filled it up like $100 and somebody won it.

That's nice. Are you back on stage and everything like normal? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you one of those people who like you needed it? Yes. Without it? Yeah.

I'm sick. You're all freaks. I'm sick of the hat. You're all such weirdos. Yeah. It's one of the most like masochistic things in the world, I feel like. It's addictive. It's disgusting.

I can't stop every night. I love it. It's terrible. How long have you been doing it? Four years. Oh, so you're new on the scene. Were you, like, did you, is it, like, was it in your plans? Like, when you were younger, were you like, this is what I'm going to do?

Or? I was, like, I was a theater kid. I was obsessed with, like, acting and stuff like that. And then I just pivoted to stand-up. You're, like, a classically trained actress, aren't you? Yes. What does that entail? Like, what does that mean?

Like, you've been to school, obviously. But, like, is there, like, can someone go to theater school and come out not classically trained? What do you mean well i don't like what is it is this classically trained just mean you went to theater school or is that like your major like you're you're doing like some different kind of acting well i studied like a specific technique so there's like specific techniques you can study okay so what's that what technique i want i's, like, a guy, Stanislavski, and then there are, like, three different people, like Strasburg, Stella Adler, and Meisner, that, like, broke off of that.

And then I studied with Stella Adler and Strasburg schools. Damn. Those guys must be pretty important. See, I knew I should have gotten into this, but... No, it's interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they were just, like, so good at this one specific type of acting. They're like, yeah, Stanislavski gets the fucking credit for it.

No, they kind of – well, he kind of, like – I feel like I'm going to be wrong in everything I'm saying because I have no confidence. Hey, guess what, Natalie? We're not going to notice. You can say whatever you want. Yeah, but you're not the only people listening. Okay, I feel uh they interpreted what he said and like the ways uh you could approach acting so they all had like very different takes on it and it's different ways to approach a script and a character what do you think about

method acting so strasburg is like method acting okay and you and that was when you study yeah so you're an asshole and do this i'm not into i'm not into method acting so adler was like very against it because it was she was like it's not about the character it's about you when you're an asshole and do method acting? I'm not into method acting. Stella Adler was very against it because she was like, it's not about the character. It's about you when you're doing that. And it's very self-indulgent. I like that. I'm an Adler guy. And it's cool.

I studied with this guy, Winn Handman. He's awesome. They just made a documentary about him. And he would do these things called character interviews. So if you're playing a character, he'd interview you as if you were the character. And he'd be like, I don't give a fuck about about you i just want to know about the character and i like that i like the like forgetting yourself element of it but that kind of is almost like method acting in a way that is method so it's kind of like circular like i get it where you're making it about

yourself right but also if you make it completely about the characters so that's my listener yeah it's all very like they all kind of use different parts. Like Strasberg would be like, okay, I'm thinking about that time that my teacher raped me and I'm going to use that for this scene. My teacher never raped me. That was an interesting

example to pick. We could have gone literally any other direction in the world, but we went with the teacher rape. I've been like, I'm thinking about that time I got like a bike for my birthday when I was a little kid. Nope, went with the teacher rape. I've been like, I'm thinking about that time I got a bike for my birthday.

Nope, we went teacher rape. Cool, cool, cool. We're talking about high school, middle school. I had some young teachers. They were pretty hot. I had, that might be like, I went to PS175. I don't know if that's like a city thing where they kind of were just hiring. But I feel like

I know anybody who went to public school in the city saw some smokes i mean i had guys girls we had where'd you go to high school uh i i got i went to pelham so i got like out of the bronx and to like the very the suburb like right next door so my high school was more normal but middle school was just like and i came to find out it was like a full-blown fuck fest it was like they were all loving it i mean they're all fucking the kids no no no jesus christ john what they were fucking each other if i went to a full-blown fuck fest rape school i think you would know about it by now yeah yeah there's a term for fucking the kids it It's rape. The teacher rapes the alluded to.

I fucked up. They were all like, I think the oldest was like 26. The oldest teacher? Yeah, they were really young. They were all good looking. I think it was... We had overcrowding.

I had class in the stairways. We would sit on the stairs. On the landing, they would just have a board like that, like a roll-up board. That's very pandemic of them. Yeah, they were ahead of their time. We had class in the auditorium, in the stairways, just wherever you could find a fucking

little bit of space. And they were probably like, I don't know, man. Study this. Here you go. I think teachers get way too much credit. Absolutely. When you're a kid you Teachers, they get way too much credit. Absolutely. When you're a kid, you think that they're the end-all, be-all. It turns out they're – especially if you teach history. It's like that's not changing.

And so the same fucking curriculum every year, just hand them that same shit. Yeah. Teachers. Particularly at schools, like public schools where it's like, yeah, we haven't bought a new book since 1976. Right. It's the same book. You don't we haven't bought a new book since 1976. Right. It's the same book. You don't have to teach me how to book about 9-11. I'll figure it out.

Where did you go to high school? I went to a boarding school in Rhode Island. Oh, interesting. What was it called? Ports of the Abbey. I don't know why I thought I would know it. I don't know. I was optimistic.

I mean, the total, like, polar opposite experience, though. Like, basically, like, in a college dorm. Did you get drunk off mouthwash? Off mouthwash? Great question. I wouldn't say drunk off, but, like, yes, there was always people sipping on mouthwash, for sure. But also just booze. We just had alcohol.

Not drunk off, but sipping. We got a little taste. Can I have it on the rocks, please? Can you shake up that Colgate for me? I had a buddy who, so like the, your mirrors were like stuck to the wall. Okay. Like fully attached to the wall. And he went through the work of getting it off so we could have a hole in the wall to fill with booze.

And that's where most of our... That's some, like, Shawshank shit. Yeah, so, like, Teej wouldn't think to, like, even move the mirror because the beer was attached to the wall. And he, like, dug through, like, the sheetrock or something like that? He had a little fucking... Day by day, just... Yeah, exactly.

Like, it would be, like, at night, he'd do... And eventually it was big enough to hold booze? Yeah, I mean, like, it wasn't a liquor cabinet. But it was, like, yeah, there were, like, beers would be, like, at night, he'd do it. And eventually it was big enough to hold booze? Yeah. I mean, like, it was. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't a liquor cabinet. Right. But it was, like, yeah, there were, like, beers and bottles in there. This is crazy. Wow.

It's impressive. It was. It's also the weirdest thing during it. Was that guys and girls? Yes. They were separate dogs, but yes. Right, right. But he would.

We were sitting with him one day while he was, was like still doing a little bit of sawing. And he had – he got the hole out and he had his bottles and he threw them to my buddy just so – who wasn't the brightest bulb. And then he went over and took them all back while he was wearing mittens and he stuck them in there. And he's like, why did you just do that? He goes, in case they catch me and they fingerprinted me. Fingerprint. He's like, no, wait, what? Dude, that's not fair.

That's crazy. Staggering and stupid. I get to see them like dusting her prints. They found it in his room. They're like, we got to figure out who this is. It's in his goddamn wall. That took him a week to cut a hole in. This might be

Someone else's We gotta get the Fingerprint experts in here Did you drink mouthwash? No You threw that out there Pretty quick Yeah

But I know that's a That's a Alcoholic thing to do No what's it called A boarding school thing Oh it's specifically Boarding school Yeah

We had a kid We had like an intervention For him in like 7th grade Cause he was just Slugging bottles of Listerine. He's like, John, you got to stop, brother. That's crazy. Yeah, he was stumbling around drunk off a handle of Listerine.

The brown kind, too. Oh, dude, that's the kind we'd have to. I was going to say it was. That'll put some air in your chest. Why the brown kind? I don't know. That was the one that would be around. I've always pictured people getting fucked up on the blue kind.

My dad uses it properly, but he likes the brown kind. And he was like, you know, it works. Yeah, because it's like liquid fire that's like burning off whatever's inside your mouth. It's absolutely disgusting. But I also felt like a pussy for having cool mint then. My dad probably looks down on me like, cool mint. Where did I go wrong raising you? Dude, my dad's tooth fell out

in uh he's out in la he's visiting my brother and my mom and dad don't travel like ever and so they've been together for like and they hate each other so they've been together like trapped in this hotel room for like 10 days and i think i think my dad's body just began to reject him like get me out of here man man. This one right here. Just fell out. Gone. Wait, he wasn't even doing anything? I don't, I mean, I think he was, like, I think he took a bite of something, but it wasn't anything crazy.

But, yeah, just. Wow. He's like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I gotta get home. Literally falling apart. What would you do without a tooth? Like, what kind of funny thing would you do? I, I, these are veneers.

I have fake teeth here. Oh, really? Yeah. So, I've broken it. And that period of time before you get to the dentist, you look absolutely horrid. I just hate it, though.

I should have done something cool or funny with it. Why? You have a plan for your toothless? No, I definitely used to have a thing for guys with fucked up teeth. Like, that was like, I like fucked up teeth.

That's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard. That's taking the whole, like, I can fix him to another level. No, no, no. I'm going to get a thing for guys with fucked up teeth. Like, that was like, I like fucked up teeth. That's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard. That's taking the whole, like, I can fix him to another level. No, no, no. I'm going to get him to a local dentist. I don't want to fix the teeth. It's like a little quirk. It's like they're perfect with a little fucked up teeth. Oh, okay.

Like a little gap in the teeth or something like that? Yeah, not a missing tooth. Just like a little, like, a... So, like, you need to be perfect otherwise. And then you have a little yeah a little something's wrong with you like you're an off you're like something that they couldn't sell but i'll take it you know like it's almost you know like how are you single and they smile it's like up there there it is got it oh that tooth's dead yeah yeah it's like a rescue

oh yeah you want a rescue boyfriend that's's it. We're working on our confidence. Are you still in Queens now? No, I'm actually in Jersey. Oh, wow. How did that go? Were you, like, okay with that move? Yeah, it's fine. I mean, I drive now, so it's not bad.

I like not taking the subway. Yeah, that's it. I disagree completely. Really? Yeah. I don't know why people like driving. It's not... I don't... Are you a car or a bike? I drive a car. Do you have motorcycles or do you just like them? I just sold my motorcycle.

Because I feel like a motorcycle in the city is a different story. That's easier. I feel like the stop and start on a motorcycle in the city is a different story. That's easier. I feel like the stop and start on a motorcycle in the city is not fun. But you're in and out. You don't have to stop and start. Manhattan, motorcycle.

It doesn't matter. I see these assholes on just regular bikes and I'm like, you're gonna die. I want to kill them. You guys better tread lightly here. Yeah, the cyclists will come for that ass. I've had full-on wars with cyclists. The cyclist community.

The cyclist community is insane. They rally together and go hard. Why? They got me suspended from Twitter three times. Yeah, it was actually the best. It was so funny. Wait, I don't understand. I think, well, you know, you laid it on thick.

You said you want to run them all over with an SUV and kill them. And then they reported him and he got suspended for 12 hours. And then he would get his account back, and then they would do it again. It was random tweets, too. Every time he would get back, they would do it again. And I was like, this is some, like, Sun Tzu shit. I like this. I think there was, in France, there was, like, a terrorist attack

where, like, someone attack where like someone rented like a U-Haul type thing which drove it like into a crowd of people. I believe it was in France. I forget what it was. And like they hit a bunch of cyclists and they were like look what your words do. And I was like I don't I don't think I'm like the Bin Laden

of France. I like getting credit for crazy things but that one I can't even in good conscience take credit for crazy things, but that one, I can't even, in good conscience, take credit for that. But that's also, like, there's the cyclists who, like, take it seriously, and it's like their hobby or their life, but then you got these assholes who just, like, rent the city

bike, and they have, like, their laptop, and they're in their, like, suit or their dress, and those bikes are heavy, and they're, like, wobbling, but they're still trying to, like, weave in and out. I'm like, well, you're gonna get clipped by a fucking uber like whenever i see a cyclist i feel like oh my god like they're really not paying attention they're weaving like literally like two days ago this girl is like cycling next to my car and she just falls over she just falls off the bike and i like stop the car i open open my door and I'm like, are you okay?

And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She gets up off the bike and nothing even hit her and she fell. So what is happening with these people? There's no... Honestly, the reason it bothers me is because I'm genuinely concerned for their safety. It's not set up properly.

The bike lanes aren't set up properly they don't use them properly they don't like like it's not their fault it's just it's not a safe environment for bikes and cars to be at the same time you're not being mean enough it is a hundred percent their fault it is their fault it is they want to be treated like cars without any of the fucking rules of cars it doesn't is true though like if i were to hop on a city bike, I would be, like, super nervous and cautious and probably dangerous to the other extent because I wouldn't, like, but I certainly wouldn't just be like, well, I'm just like you. I'm a vehicle on the road, too.

Respect me. Like, well, I'm not a fucking 15,000 pound vehicle, so I'm not going to act like one. I mean, in and out of lanes, turning, however they want. They don't help. One of the bars I was frequenting during, I mean, I still frequent it sometimes, but they have outside, and it's right, like, you have to cross a bike line to get to the, you know, the little shacks built outside now? And you have to cross a bike line to get to that. And the bikes just fucking buzz past, and they'll yell at you.

You're crossing, right? And sometimes you forget or whatever, and you're standing there talking to people, and you take a step back, and it's like, oh shit, now I'm in the lane. And they were going nuts. And I was like, dude, if this was a car, it's your responsibility to not hit me.

On the pedestrian. So you want to be a car? Be a fucking car. You can't go that fast, because you're going to have to jump out of your way. They're the worst. Don't give them any credit. I don't want to give them credit.

Oh, you're doing Skank Fest, right? I am. I'm excited. That's in November coming up. I feel like everybody. Are you guys coming? I think we're going to go and kind of like cover it almost in a way. Like hopefully grab all you guys for podcast interviews. We're about to go do answer the internet with you but um i mean that lineup is like everyone we've ever had on our show before

it was nuts that first day it was announced everybody's instagram with those like old-timey wanted posters sort of thing i mean all of you yeah it's crazy so that should be cool uh how does that work like you you reach out to them they reach out to you like is it um you submit for it but i think it's a mix like depending on the the person awesome so that's like early november uh i think it's all sold out but if you can get tickets i highly recommend it we're gonna go next door and do answer the internet now okay cool um but tell the people where to find you and what are you pushing and what do you what do you got next yeah i uh you can follow me on instagram at natalie cuomo underscore i have a show at the stand every other thursday at 9 p.m and yeah beautiful let's go do answer you want the good news or the bad news

what do you want the good news of the bad news uh i always go good news all right the good news is when we started this shit only 10 of people watching our youtube videos were subscribed and now it's up to 40 so that's almost like a 50 50 split that's a 30 increase a little math for you that's the good news too much math for me but it's good you know what the bad news is that still means 60 of you motherfuckers aren't subscribed it still means the majority i asked first because that would have been backwards that would have been terrible yeah imagine if i was like what the good news is it's a good thing i fucking go good news first 60 still just freeloading off of our videos and guess what it's youtube you're all freeloading it's not really all the only cost is to push the fucking button just push it push the button push it push it real push it real good