KFC Radio - Pat Has White Trash Body Hair Ft. Pat and Joey Camasta, Heather Mcmahan, & Colum Tyrrell

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

- Spotify wrapped - KFC and Nick play a cruel prank on Pavs - The Book of John - Bill Parcells changes his name from Duane Parcells because he looked like another guy named Bill - The Constitution is on sale?? - Pat and Joey Camasta come on the show and talk gooner faces, does gay sex last longer, a**holes, cancelling people at Barstool Sports, and much more ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0:00. - Intro 1:49 - Spotify Wrapped 08:04 - Prank on Pavs 46:34 - The Book of John 01:07:58 - Pat and Joey Camasta 01:45:29 -AITA 01:55:11 - Video Voicemails ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Gage Diamonds: Go to https://barstool.link/GageDiamondsKFC or use promo code KFC for 20% off. MVMT: Go to https://barstool.link/MvmtKFC! Nectar Sunglasses: Go to https://barstool.link/NectarBSS today for 40% off this holiday season and use code Barstool to get free shipping! Roman: Go to https://barstool.link/RomanKFCRadio you can get your first month of Swipes for just $5, when you choose a monthly plan. Sezzle: Go to the Barstool Sports Store and shop now, pay later with SezzleYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Alright, second show has been added to the Wilbur for KFC Radio Live. The first show already sold out. We were done with the pre-sale. So we're adding a second show, which is absolutely unbelievable. Shout out to Boston. I was thoroughly and happily surprised with how much Boston showed out for KFC Radio. So you guys did not disappoint.

We're going to add a second show. Tickets are available on Ticketmaster. Hopefully they're available. Yeah. By the time you listen to this, hopefully it's available. They came on sale. Tickets are already on sale. They might be sold out.

If the second show is already sold out, we're actually going to look into trying to find out. No, we're not. He's got places to be. We're not. We're not? I don't know. Okay, you got to buy the tickets. Yeah.

You got to buy the tickets. Yeah, you have to buy the tickets. Just put it this way. If it's the second show, third show, 50th show, we might do a fucking residency because we're just going to keep adding shows because we want to make as much fucking money as we possibly can. So, whatever show is available right now, buy the tickets. It's St. Paddy's. There will be fucking acrobats. There will be fucking, uh, what's the...

Bagpipes. A goon pad. Bagpipes. There'll be bagpipes. There'll be fucking glory holes. There is, I don't know, we might be doing this for nothing because tickets might already be sold out, but if they're not, go buy them. Ticketmaster, KFC Radio, Wilbur. Peace! It's another edition of KFC Radio On the Barstool Sports Network

We are here to fuck around. We are here. That's it. We are here for the fuck around. And do nothing else. And if you are not here for that, if you're here for something else, go head on down the road. Wrong place. Yeah, for real.

You have walked into the wrong place. Go find somewhere else. You see that guy who tweeted at us? His Spotify wrap-up, which I love, by the way. Some people make fun of it. I love it. I love him. If you don't like Spotify

Love them This is the time of year Where everyone's like We don't care about you I'll see you tomorrow I feel like I've done this before I don't care I care about it

I care about it so much I love it Tell me what songs You've been listening to Tell me what podcasts You've been listening to What top percentage Of Taylor Swift you're in

I want to know Everything about your Spotify habits I love it And maybe like A couple years from now I will change my mind or something. Maybe it'll be old then. It's not now.

No. And I think it's crazy that Apple and YouTube and other streaming services don't do it because it's awesome. For creators, it's awesome. For fans, it's awesome. I talked to some people at Personal Sports about it about six years ago. I was like, this is a pretty cool idea. We emailed everyone on the fucking newsletter. We're doing it.

We're doing it. We're doing it. For 2022, we will have KFC Radio stats. Okay. And if we don't, we'll make them up. Because nobody could tell. I think I even opened the window for that, telling the people initially. I was like, we could just fucking lie. Just say numbers.

We lie on the podcast all the time. Why not? Let's just continue lying. Yeah. You know what I said? The Spotify wrap up is like Darren Rebell when he didn't suck. Just like interesting fucking stats and numbers that I'm like, that's a lot of minutes. That's a lot of episodes.

I'll tell you what. I opened Spotify today hoping mine would just pop up. I don't know how to find mine. Yeah. Well, it's pretty easy. Is it? Okay. Let's find mine.

It's like right in the middle in a pretty big box. All right. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. I want to see if you can find it yourself. Okay. And I'm also curious. Yeah.

It's right there. Wait. No, it's gone now. Okay. Wait. Here it is. Boom. Okay.

So my wrapped. Let's find. Oh, I'm nervous now. Fuck. I'm nervous as shit. It's just going to be all Taylor Swift. I hope so. Because otherwise, I'm going to pose.

There's some lame shit in there. The question is what top percentage of Taylor Swift listeners will be. This year was anything but normal. Okay. I'll say that. Okay. Well, okay. Fine. Oh This year was anything but normal. Okay. I'll say that. Okay. Okay, fine. Oh, that was like pandemic stuff, not me.

I thought it was like, you listen to some crazy ass music this year, bro. No, no. It's just you. It's just the world, dog. Okay. But put it like, the song that's playing right now is one of them. Yep, that was high for me. Don't play the songs.

Okay, don't play the songs. Oh, okay. That was the number one song for me this year, I think. Opening credits theme, Hold On. Solid. I'm in with that. I fuck with it. It's very nerve-wracking looking at your Spotify wrapped,

and what I like is I have my kids as a buffer. Oh, yeah. Because I can be like, oh, that was just Shay. What is this? Taylor. Taylor, that's the... 20,000 minutes listening to Taylor. That's more than 73% of other listeners.

Wait, no, that's just listening. That's not Taylor. Oh, I thought that was Taylor Pictures. All right, 20? No. I have one song on repeat. What's it going to be? Yes, what's it going to be?

I kind of just saw it. Bad Habits, Ed Sheeran. That's brand new. Yeah, I didn't listen to that that much. Yo, Spotify's gospel, dog. I played it 33 times. That's not a crazy amount of times to listen to a song. That's the most times you listen to a song. There's no way 33 times is the most times to listen to any song this year. What song has you played more than 33 times. That's not a crazy amount of times to listen to a song. That's the most times you listen to a song.

There's no way 33 times is the most times I've listened to any song this year. What song has you played more than 33 times, do you think? I don't know. Plenty of them. My top songs. Bad Habits, The One, Good For You, Hot Girl, Bummer, Ghost. I'm underwhelmed with all of this so far. That list stinks.

Yeah, that's a bummer. I gotta be honest. I deserve a playlist as long as my skincare routine. How do you know about that, Spotify? I just started my skin care routine. That's funny. That was generic too, but it is funny that you just started that.

In a year like this. Damn you, Spotify. You're in my brain. Don't take it so long to load. Give me the fucking information. You always understood the assignment. Alright, enough of the fucking stuff. 89 different genres. That's pretty high.

I think I have like 73 or something like that. I'm proud of that. My top genre is pop punk, two comedy, three dance. I told you I was working out the comedy. Three dance pop,

four alternative country, five metalcore. I got Canadian pop, which is just like, do you listen to Justin Bieber? That's gotta be it. How well do you know you? Not very well.

Two truths and a lie. Read them out loud for the audience. Okay, let's play two truths and a lie. This top to fall statement. The artist who appeared the most in your play is Gracie Abrams. Hold it down so you don't... Okay.

Your number one playlist of the year, release radar, yes. Pop culture was your number one podcast top of the year, yes. So Gracie Abrams. I don't even know who Gracie Abrams is I don't know I know a song or two

but I found the lie I got it wrong it was like the pop artist you listened to the most was Bieber I said okay

and they said no it was Drake so Spotify actually tricked me Drizzy not a fucking you listened to 981 artists but got pretty serious

with one Taylor Swift now what's the percentage top one I've seen top 5 I've seen top 5 too 981 artists, but got pretty serious with one. Taylor Swift. Now, what's the percentage? Top one. I've seen top 5.5. I've seen top 5.5, too. I'm underwhelmed with everything that's happening. I hate that I did it.

Bad idea. Bad idea. That's why this is awesome, because looking into the soul of a person's music tells you a lot. Okay, I like my top artists. I'm okay with my top artists. Taylor, Fall Out Boy, Ed Sheeran, Kanye West, Justin Bieber. It's as basic as it gets. The contrarian.

Oh, am I? Am I? I'm as fucking as popular as it gets. This is, I'll listen to whatever you fucking feed me. Mainstream media. That's what this is. I was like Drake, Bieber, Machine Gun Kelly. Jetski was in there. I listened to Jetski's album a lot.

Jetski, the Light Show was my opening act song. And his album was like my fourth most listened to album or something. It sounds crazy, but I don't listen to many albums anymore. But he put out

his album had four or five songs that I really liked, so I was listening to all of them, which ends up being one of my most... Because even Certified Loverboy, I really only like one song off of that. Kanye, I listen to one fucking song off of Donda.

There's not many people that are releasing a lot. Machine Gun Kelly, my kids still like Bloody Valentine a lot. And that's the most songs that, again, an album I listen to. So that kind of bled into the next year. Because he was 2020 when that came out, right? What? MGK? Yeah. No?

Tickets to My Downfall was this year? Yeah, I think so. Oh, okay. Then I'm fine with that. I was like, damn, I'm still listening to it. But was this year? Yeah, I think so. Oh, okay. Then I'm fine with that. I was like, damn, I'm still listening to it. But okay. So I have no problem with that being my number one album. I thought it was in the middle of the pandemic.

People were just talking about how he got snubbed for Grammys. Like he didn't get nominated for anything. So I'm cool with that then being. I think it's this year. But there is a moment of... What's going on over here? I got some 2021 stats for us wrapped up. All right.

Oh, shit. I forgot about this. You did this, Pabs? This was a while ago, but this was like a month ago. Pabs! Great work. Great work. Well, talk about why you needed to do something to make up for it.

This is softening the blow a little bit. Pabs came up with the most used words on KFC radio in 2021. Now, don't look. Wait, don't look. This is interesting stuff. Pavs. Yeah, brutal. Great job, bro.

Gav, you're going to love this. This is one of those things that you like. Oh, does it do the? It does the. Oh, I'm going to come. But wait, before we watch it, I want to, I mean, like, fuck has to be number one. I have another one with fuck, but it was so much. It just blew it out.

Bro, it's like the Celtics winning championships. It's just like so much better than everybody else. Bro, I watch even our promos, and I watch myself, and I'm like, Jesus, John. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Which, by the way, real quick, speaking of saying Jesus, right before Black Friday, so Thursday night, Thanksgiving night, I was posting promos and shit like that,

watching a movie and I was posting like a slow zoom in on me in the sweatpants. It's just like front of TV watching the show and I was watching

Hateful Eight. I knew I was going to have to put on like I knew I was going to be working that night like promos and stuff like that. So let's put on a movie that like has some cool scenes but I didn't want to I've seen before I want to put on, uh, like I knew I was going to be working that night, like promos and stuff like that. So let's put out a movie that like has some cool scenes,

but I didn't want to, I've seen before. I don't want to focus on too much of the background, but so I got my phone out and I'm slowly zooming in and I hear in the background, uh, Kurt Russell say, don't you hear darkies?

Like, don't like being called the N-word anymore and i just went jesus as i was zooming in and there goes that promo clip and no i posted it did you yeah yeah i posted it you did yeah i did and then i thought it was funny because i had my reaction jesus and then people started dming me being like bro your family's in the background saying some loose shit grandpa it was I'm sure I can still like it it's like it no one can I think it's it's saved somewhere right yeah yeah yeah it's in my archives I didn't delete

it and I was like I was like I was like Kurt Russell said it to Samuel L Jackson I think it's saved somewhere, right? Yeah, in your archives. Yeah, yeah, it's in my archives. I didn't delete it. And I was like, Kurt Russell sent it to Samuel L. Jackson. I don't think I can get in trouble for that. I didn't do nothing. Oh, man. That's special. That is something, man. I would say our most used words, it's almost like phrases.

I mean, I know, by the way, I say it all the time. The amount of times that everybody in our generation just says, by the way. Listen to any of the podcasts. By the way. Oh, by the way. By the way. By the way. Yeah. Words.

I mean, it's just got to be. It's almost like the George Carlin. You know what I mean? It's just like all the curse words. What are like the non. What's a non curse word? The. Oh. I bet I say idiot a lot. I misunderstood. The. Idiot. Oh.

I bet I say idiot a lot. Misunderstood the assignment. I bet. That would. The. I. I had a whole list. I was ready to go all day.

Oh, and a. Asshole. Is going to be way up there, because we say it and also the segment. Oh, right. Asshole, idiot. Those are going to be like that would be my two ones.

Oh, now that we're doing this Pav, did you just go count all the times we said words? On HQ there's this thing called translator so I just thought of the top 20 word count or whatever and of the top 20 words Smart man Alright let's take a look then

Porn Fuck that was stupid of us Alright asshole dick Wait a minute I'm going to read this out loud I'm going to read this in a row Asshole dick porn pussy Blonde children

Only fans jar Gerbil Asshole, dick, porn, pussy, blonde, children, OnlyFans, jar, gerbil. That is a list. Chicken, not children. Oh, thank God. His children scared the fuck out of him. I was like, why is children in there? How can you read blonde? Blonde.

I don't know why. I thought that said blenzo. Did it say blonde? Oh, look up here. Look up top. Oh. Oh. I'm looking over. Okay. Is it blonde? Yeah, blonde. It is blonde. That don't know why. I thought that said Bledsoe. Did it say blonde? Oh, look up here. Look up top. Oh. Oh. I'm looking over.

Okay. Is it blonde? Yeah, blonde. It is blonde. Oh, because of your fucking hair. Every day we were arguing about your hair. Boy, we said that way too much. Noonan?

What is Noonan? What do you mean? What is Noonan? 45 minutes south of the airport, baby. Hey, by the way, next week got my webinar for my Rock Hill investment. The funniest thing on there is Noonan. Because that is so...

Like, listen, every guy, every comedy podcast you listen to is going to say dick porn, pussy blowjob, ass fuck, all that. There's only one saying Noonan.

Except there's probably some podcast out there that's like a real estate podcast in Atlanta talking about Noonan. By the way, speaking of Noonan. Except there's probably some podcast out there that's a real estate podcast in Atlanta talking about Noonan. Speaking of Noonan, Heather McMahon's on this. And she confirms Noonan's a spot. Noonan's banged out, baby. She even says something very,

yeah, it's right outside the city. Yeah. Okay, so this is a video that we'll watch and then can we put this like on it? Yeah? We'll do something we put on YouTube as its own thing Yeah, we social yeah, we probably could how long is it 30 seconds? All right, so it'll be on social as a short video. Yeah, all right, so let her rip the most said word on KSU radio dick dick porn Said word on KC Radio. Dick. Dick. Porn coming in hot.

Real strong. Whoa, whoa, slow down. Here comes Jesus. Chicken's coming up because we started saying chicken had a lot. Noonan. Noonan's coming up on the creep. Yep, yep. Jesus making a strong push.

Jesus. Jesus. Blowjob falling off. Here comes pussy. Here comes dick. Dick. Dick running away with it. Dick asshole pussy.

Oh, my God. Dick asshole and pussy Jesus go back and forth. Oh my god We should have like bet on one of those cuz that would have been like come on This is with fuck all right bet on one of those because that would have been like, come on down the stretch, pussy! And pussy's coming down. Here we go. This is with fuck. All right, fuck. Fuck.

598, 600. Oh, we had to get it. Oh, my God. This is like Patriots wins over the last 20 years compared to the rest of the NFL. This is rough. So wait, why does it go down?

It goes by month? Total percent per month? Yeah, everything. Got it, got it. That's hilarious. I love the fact that suey is even – was that suicide or just suey? Anything that – anytime suicide was – Okay.

Anytime suicide was – I love it. That is great. So you got to check out our most used words of 2021. That's it. These are awesome. That's great. I mean, I honestly – I can't tell you how proud I am.

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He's a comedic genius, folks. I fucking knew. That was one where I was just like, this is going to suck. But I said it in a rhyming tone. So I'm going to have to say something. But fuck. I think if you can get, like, there's a bunch of different diamond bracelets or something. So you know you're getting some good shit.

But there's something that means it. Then you get extra credit. If it's thoughtful, but it's, likey, like worse jewelry, that's lame. But if it's like there's this with a color that means something or a stone that means something or a design that means something, then it's better. Okay. But the main thing you got to do is make sure it blings so that she sings. Sing. So, Gage Diamond is bling for sang.

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So it's like, oh, instead of $30, it's now going to be $24. That's good. Fine. We're not talking about 20% off of diamonds. 20% off of Rolexes. 20% off of fine jewelry. It's fucking insane. 20% off.

What about thousands of dollars worth of discounts? Yeah. Thousands. For things that you have to do in your life, you're going to have to just buy the ring. I don't even care if you've met the girl yet. Buy the ring now. I would posture to posit you that they have to give us some of the money back. Oh, every listener who saves money?

If you're going to save like $3,000 we should get like $1,000 of that. I think that makes a lot of sense. Total sense. So it's like, okay, you get $2,000 off because you're hooking up your boys that you listen to like 18,000 minutes of this year. Fucking zealot to me. Send that shit over and then

because if you make us bling, we will sing. That's GageDiamonds, G-A-G-E Diamonds.com slash KFC for 20% off your purchase and apply for financing too. So go to GageDiamonds.com slash KFC. A couple guys here in the studio. Pads is rocking that diamond bling bling right now. I feel like Jackie's about to sing. She sees that bling.

Whether you're wearing it or she's wearing it, everyone's going to be singing. Paz is wearing it now. He almost had to forfeit it. Maybe that's what I should have done. I should have taken back the bracelet. Because we had a moment. We had a situation here at KFC Radio. I got a call, I get a text from Nick this morning.

Hey, can you call me? I was like, oh God. Last time that that happened, it was like tragedy. I was like, fuck, what is going on now? And he tells me that... That's a fucked up text, by the way. That is a fucked up text. It was, I mean, yeah.

Literally the last time he sent it to me There was a suicide So I'm like Don't ever do that again Don't ever do that again There are texts That can be sent Like Literally

I was talking to Rhea About this the other day And now it was a Memory card issue Don't ever do it again The Where it's like People send like

Like John Yeah I'm like What What does that mean You can't say John You can't say We've been over this a million times

John You posted an Instagram story With the N-word Kurt Russell said it It was by a white guy Just say your message Whatever it is Or if you're joking

Or whatever And you want to lead with that, it's gotta be a part of the same text. If you want to be like John dot dot dot. John exclamation point. But then like just put a space and have it be a part of that text. 100%. Or if you do rapid fire

but like there just can't be a break of like just nothing. No. You know what I mean? Can't do it. Anxiety. It's fucking 2021. We all have anxiety. I could be dead. Stop fucking heightening it with stupid text.

Pabst, you dumb fuck. Well, it's interesting about what when you're talking about not heightening others' anxiety. No. That's what I

ended up doing here. Others who don't deserve it. Yeah. There's some people who deserve their anxiety raised a little bit. Babs deserve it. Deserve a little bully, a little tease.

So I call Nick, and he's like, we reinitialized some shit. Made up a word. Cool. What's it called? Good move. It's called initializing. Okay. All right.

So I wasn't wrong. Long story short, Babs wiped a memory card with an Answer the Internet recorded on it. Well, that has not been aired yet. Right. And it was a very good one. It was Taylor Tomlinson. She was very funny, particularly one joke that I was talking, I was thinking about retiring. Really?

I don't remember what she said, but it was really funny about baby Hitler. She was like, I think we have our answer, right? It was really good. Yeah, I remember it. I don't want to tell it. Oh, right. Yeah. We can steal it and do it. Actually, you want to just do it on our own? She was holding

the hurling stick, and I just instinctively threw a ball. She smacked it instinctively, and she said and that ball didn't even do anything to the Jews. Yes, that's what it was. That ball didn't even do anything to the Jews, so I think we have our answer. So it was a really good ATI, and it got

deleted. The rule at KFC Radio is you get one, you get one fuck-up. That happens. Can't do it again. Pabs did not know this rule. No, you get one. You get one fuck up. That happens. Can't do it again. Pabs did not know this rule. No, you get one. I feel like that's a rule everywhere.

It should be the rule everywhere. You get one. If you do it again, I'm going to be mad. And then a third time, we have to talk about your job. I'm like, whatever. That sucks. But it's not the end of the world. Especially considering I thought the phone call was going to be about suicide. So I'm just like, oh, thank God. Whatever, dude. So I'm like, whatever, that sucks, but it's not the end of the world, especially considering I thought the phone call was going to be about suicide. So I'm just like, oh, thank God.

Whatever, dude. So I'm like, well, let's turn a negative into a positive here. We lost some content. Let's make some content. So I tell Nick that I'm going to concoct some sort of story about this answer to the Internet and make it wildly important and to just go with it. You had that immediately. I feel like you've been planning, like, next time somebody fucks up, we're going to do this.

Well, you were just like, he's very. So when did you delete this? When we did the ATI yesterday with Connor. Okay. Yeah. So because Nick was, like, I don't know if you noticed that he wasn't even in there because, like, Paz was running around trying to find it, thinking, like, maybe it's on a different memory card. So, you know, he was explaining that you were, like, you know. And then when you confessed, he said you were, like, you turned totally pale.

You were, like, white as a ghost being like, I didn't see it last night. What did you say to Nick? How did you, like, how turned totally pale. You were like white as a ghost being like, I didn't see it last night. What did you say to Nick? How did you confess it? I waited. I was going to tell it with everybody here, but I was like, you know, Nick, possibility that he could fix it. He can fix this thing. So I waited for everybody out of the room. I was like, yeah, Nick, Taylor's not on there.

Yeah. And he knew right away. And he could see it in my face. He didn't say anything back. And then I just went back here. I left early yesterday. I had an appointment. I go do something.

Terrible day to leave early yeah and then the rest of the night I just like I come home usually my roommates like fuck around they knew as soon as

they walked in the door they'd say it right to me and I just I mean I get that I've done I've done that shit too like when I like my fucking

Greg Olson kickball tournament where I texted Kevin I was like yo I'm just leaving yeah he was like I quit I was like I quit I'm just going home like I fucked up I'm done I'm out he was going to preemptively

quit yeah like you can't fire me I quit can't fire me I'm just never talking to any of you ever again so like I understand the whole the like honestly like it is like people people get fired from jobs all the time and I think there's a

difference between getting fired from a job that you need for the money and a job that you truly like. I really liked my job. I think you like this job. Yeah, if you lost the opportunity. It's like, oh, fuck. Now I have to go back to North Carolina, South Carolina. So I'm like, all right, let's make some content out of it.

I'm going to come up with a story. And I come in. A little back story. He told us yesterday, like, he's not. I dropped out of school I'm gonna come up with a story and I come in now a little backstory he told us yesterday like he's not I dropped out of school yesterday what for the dropout right you're evening the fucking side yesterday he said that you official like says in your letter in I told my advisor they said that I was gonna have to come back down to South Carolina to do one of the classes all right yeah okay that would have been going like well you're fired I told my advisor, they said that I was going to have to come back down to South Carolina to do one of the classes. I'm done. I just didn't answer.

Yeah, okay. I just didn't answer. That would have been great. I was like, well, you're fired. And now you're jobless and schoolless. So we almost blew the whole thing because there's something that we can do here technologically that would save us from this happening again. And I walked in and I had that conversation on the phone with Nick. He was like, you know, I've been talking to Pete about doing this thing,

so we won't worry about this. I walk in the room, and Nick's like, yeah, it turns out we have all the setup to do that thing. And I was like, oh, that's good, so we don't have to save. And I'm doing it in front of Pavs, and I'm like, wait a minute, I'm about to blow this whole fucking thing. I literally just go, wait a minute, I'll be right back, and I just walk out of the room.

It was the most ridiculous exit of all time. I text Nick, I'm like, don't bring anything up like And I just walk out of the room. It was like the most ridiculous exit of all time. I text Nick. I'm like, don't bring anything up like that because I don't want Pabst to know we talked about it. I come in. I do one minute, man. And I send it to my brother. I call him up. It was a real phone call.

And I'm on the phone with him. And I'm like, here's the video. Here are the parts that I need to highlight and do this and do that. He's like, okay, good. I'm like, oh, shit, I got to go. Taylor Tomlinson is on the phone so i did you know this is coming no no but i waited for the yeah so right now he thinks our conversation was done there's nothing i need to follow up with but yeah he probably

thinks i spoke to taylor tom so i hang up and now i am talking to nobody that's funny yeah that's like the uh he's gonna text me so what did taylor say when he when he's like uh when michael scott's like uh i want i'm about to fire did Taylor say When he's like When Michael Scott's like I want I'm about to fire Stanley I want everyone to act Like he's really fired

I'm like why'd you tell us He's like I want you to act Like it's real I was like If you didn't tell us We would have acted Like it was real Yeah

So that I told Nick But I was like It was a fine line Between like I don't want I want the rest of the Crew to act like it's real But I also don't want them to say anything first or ruin it.

You know what I mean? So I just had to bank on the fact that no one was going to talk about it, which I could safely do because I don't think anyone wants to bring this shit up at all. So I pretend to be on the phone with Taylor Tomlinson, and this was the story that I concocted. It was that she had a great time on the interview, and she loved Answer the Internet, and that she is doing a show at Radio City Music Hall. And I think I even said something like, yeah, we were talking about doing arenas.

And, like, I know it's not quite arenas, but, like, Radio City is fucking amazing. Yeah, you did all this. It was kind of scary because you were talking to nobody. It was probably four minutes. Yeah. Four minutes of me pretending to do a phone call. So she's got a show at Radio City, but she wants to sell tickets. And it's a lot more tickets to sell.

So she wanted to launch that she's doing Radio City with her Answer the Internet video. And that she had this idea that she's having other podcasts and other shows that she's going on. She's going to do a promo code based on that show to sell tickets. So for instance, because I also think this is a good idea. If you bought a ticket to Taylor's show using the promo code Stooley, she would know that it's a Barstool person that bought it. And that if we have like the most people who most of our fans were the most uh purchased tickets that she would

have us on stage with her and that we would do a live answer the internet at radio city music hall with taylor tomlinson and at one point you did the oh no no i know and not anything's guaranteed yeah no it like i made it all up like of course yeah yeah i understand if someone else you know if it doesn't work out or someone else wins nothing guaranteed okay great and then i hang up the phone i'm like yo nick like we got this opportunity and nick played it well too because he was like uh yeah because actually what i did i said could we could we set up a promo code is that possible or would they have to do it and he's and he's like yeah and i'm thinking i even i got duped for a second i was like he's gonna talk about how we can't make a promo code or whatever he's like yeah but me to talk to you about that

like we we lost that that footage we deleted it and i'm like what and he's like yeah we reinitialized the thing and i'm, was any of you filming with your phone? Could we salvage it like that? This motherfucker and Mike goes, right to Zach. Did you film with your phone? Were you filming with your phone? Dude, that was like literally, I mean, I wasn't in there for the ATI

and I was like, fuck, should I have been? Fuck, I fucked up now. This is so evil. He's going down. He's just pulling people. So I am like, and then the reality of the matter is, so it did get deleted. And it's actually the best case scenario because Taylor is a local act and she'll probably come in again. So she can redo it. So I was like, yeah, no, I mean, we can have her do it again.

It's just never going to be the same. That one was so amazing. And I just walk out like all mopey. You said the Hitler joke, but you said it so heartbroken. I went from feeling upset for myself to really upset for you. The Hitler joke

was great. The Hitler joke, man, we'll never have the Hitler joke again. So I walk out, Nick follows me, and then we let it simmer for a while. He kept his phone running. I really thought you were about to come back into the room, and then I realized you weren't. No, I went back to my desk. Because I could hear you walking away, and then I looked down the hall, and you're gone.

I plan on doing this the whole day. Right before I left, his head was in his hands. And I'm like, oh, shit. I was like, we got to tell him. So, yeah, you can thank Nick because he was like, yo, I think we got to, like, pull the plug on this. He's, like, really upset. I was planning on waiting until John gets in to say his piece. I do regret I wanted to have Mike, like, stand up and admit and confess. And so I come back in and I also get scared with pranks that someone's going to say something

too real that you can't unsay. Where if he was like, you know what? I fucking hate answering the internet anyway. I don't care about this fucking podcast. It was a joke. Now you're fired. So I was like, before anything happens, I walk in and I just kind of smile And he smirks back But I think he was just like

I don't know He's smiling So I'll smile And I was just like I'm fucking with you man And he gets up Like no You're fucking

You're fucking But I haven't even seen The rest of the footage There's a solid few minutes Of Jackie, Paz And Zach alone Probably just Trying to talk this kid

Off a ledge right I mean I didn't say a word the whole time. Zach's like, dude, dude, you're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. You're going to get a new job. It's not that big of a deal. Did you know it was happening? No.

I had no idea this was happening. This was like truly – I didn't think Pav's going to lose his job, but I also – from recent experiences, I also know what it is like to fuck up in your job, and this was truly the most diabolical, meanest thing. And the way Kevin, like, Kevin explained what just happened, and I don't think people understand.

Like, it's truly sociopathic. You have to watch this week, like, this week on KFC Radio. It is the meanest shit I have ever seen. Give me an internet Oscar for this one. It was scary. Half the time we were just like, what are the odds? Yeah, that was when Jackie was like, what are the chances that this answer to the internet is the big break? These are my texts with Jackie during it.

You got to be kidding me. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait, hang on. You have subject on your text still uh yeah i don't i don't know why that's there that's the craziest thing that's happening here i've seen that also this was i asked like an email in like the like right when you started talking to taylor thompson which was just a lie which is again psychotic um i asked pavs i was like yeah no like i think like it would be good if we had like this clip or whatever and then you hung up and then

like we looked at each other and i was like oh you're so fucked dude i felt so bad oh my god oh my god wait were you both sitting there texting each other she was right here oh my god oh my god oh my god uh oh my God. It was amazing. So I'm like, we're going to get, so you can see, we're going to have the whole thing

in the vlog this week. I said, the good news is your vlog's done for the week, Mike. So you can watch that, which will probably

end up being, you know, I don't want to say more views than a Taylor Tomlinson ATI because it's not, but, you know, we'll make up a good

chunk of the content. Well, no, I'm just saying to Taylor. It would be a ricochet shot to Taylor to say that our vlog is going to get more than her. But it was – so then Jackie. Jackie – yeah, you're not getting out of here unscathed. Jackie, we talked about bullying. No. Yeah. How did this come up? How did this come up? It was pranks. Yeah, we're about bullying. No! Yeah, now how did this come up?

It was pranks. Yeah, we're talking about pranks. Good old pranks. We're just pranking. Talking to the mic. You were saying how you don't like pranks, and I was like, well, I... Oh yeah, because I was explaining that sometimes pranks go too far. There's my lesson one time, because

I did a prank that went too far. It's not a prank. No. She goes, we weren't. She goes, one time I was at camp and there was this one girl. This one fat pig. Yeah, so she says, we're at camp and there was this one girl,

the only girl who didn't get a care package. And I was like, oh my god. Yeah, like when you said, you know. Oh, so you just kept reminding her that her parents didn't love her. Exactly. Like the one girl who's already down and out. We're going to kick her while she's down. She goes, we weren't bullying her. We just thought it was funny.

That's what people know. What age are we talking here? 14. Prime bullying years. No, no. Is she ugly too? What was her BMI? We were friends You're not answering the question

She was She was She's a cute girl Yeah She's totally Look I don't I don't understand

How to fucking How to study micro expressions But I'm pretty sure When your face does this Looking around And saying she's a cute girl That's Everybody knows a cute girl Is disgusting I will how to study micro-expressions, but I'm pretty sure when your face does this... Cute girl! I'm not saying she's a cute girl. Everybody knows a cute girl is disgusting. I'm not going to put her picture up,

but she follows me on Instagram, and if I were to bully her, she would not be following me on Instagram. She follows you on Instagram to print out pictures to put on her wall and throw darts at her. Okay. I also did not spearhead this operation. So you were like a Nazi guard, not Hitler.

That was like when I got caught egging houses by this one guy who came out and caught us. And my parents were like, did you do it? And I was like, I didn't egg that house. Because I just didn't have any eggs left. And they hit that house. The next door neighbor, I fucked up. I had a Texas breakfast on that other roof. Okay. I had a Texas breakfast on that other roof Okay well basically She

She just wasn't getting care packages And then I don't really remember Why we thought it would be funny But we did think it would be funny To fake a care package So we put a bunch of rocks and dirt Imagine I can't even think of

What you would put into there That wouldn't be harmful or hateful. But a fat girl at camp opens up a box, and it's just rocks. Like coal at Santa, at Christmas. And you were young enough at the time, and I'm sorry, but when you were that age, time had progressed enough that you were filming this. No, you can have phones at camp. Oh, really? I thought you guys were all sitting in the bushes. You would have put it on your TikTok.

She's about to be happy. We're going to watch her heart break. You know what? I don't film doing mean things to people. Should be good for content. You're a rookie, all right? Jackie just flexed on us by being bad at her job. That'll capture

amazing moments. Okay, and then anyways, long story short, she opened the package, and then... Plus, ours ended with like, hey Pabs, we're not mad at you. Yours ended with, your parents don't love you. It's not like you swapped out the real

care package. She was like, oh, so this is the fake one? No, no, there's none. There's still a zero care love you. No, no. Guess what? It's not like you swapped out the real care package. She was like, oh, so this is the fake one? No, no, there's none. There's still a zero care for you. Yeah, yeah. Also, throughout this whole thing, this is going to sound like I'm trying to cover my ass this whole time. I was like, you guys, I don't feel good about this. Yeah, so did I, but I'm an asshole too.

I know, I know. But then I went along with her. It is hard to stand up when you're 14 and be like, no, we're not doing this. The Nazi guard comparisons are getting stronger and stronger. I just followed orders, sir. Can you not compare me to the Nazi guard? We call her Jackie N. So she's...

Jackie Nazi. Oh my God, stop. So she's crying in the bathroom. Okay, she's crying in the bathroom, and then she reveals to us that she, like, has, like, a really bad relationship with her mom. And, like, when she saw it. I'm sorry.

This is so bad. See, now it's gone from funny to hilarious. So she, like, has. You gotta do this. Fucking bitch was gonna do that. I knew she was Gonna send me a gift You should just Let her roll

And be like Yeah your bitch Mother sent you rocks Yeah that's what I'm saying The girl probably Is like She doesn't know It's a fake package

She did it again She sent me rocks She did it again Are you fucking kidding me Are you fucking kidding me She's like at least It wasn't my birthday This time

So did you cop to it Or what Yeah yeah So then we admitted it to her And then she was like Well so when I Saw the care package I like thought that my mom like cared about me sorry this is not funny she was like i thought that my mom like cared about me but i guess not and then it opened like wounds are you friends with her now physically because of the rocks yeah then like i was like i'm

so sorry like i feel terrible I apologized the whole time And she was like No it's so fine Like how would you have known She forgave me How would you have known Probably the fact that She was the only one

Without a care package Would have been a bit of a clue No looking back on it It's like a meat It was That was meat Yeah Yeah

But I learned my lesson Well that Nick dropped a Arrested development And that's why you don't What did you say That's why you don't Initialize But I learned my lesson Well that Nick dropped A rest of development And that's why you don't What'd you say That's why you don't Initialize

That's why you always Back up the card Yeah Yeah I wish I did get the Pabst speech though Of like I wish I did get

The Pabst speech Of like It was me You waited five more seconds I was standing up Like Yeah Jennifer Lawrence

In the Hunger Games I should have I should have up. Yeah. Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games. I should have. I should have done it because that would have been the perfect end to it. I would have been like, okay. Because I actually liked that. He didn't blame anybody else. He wasn't going to just try to let the group take the fall. He was going to own it.

He says. Yeah, you said you told me you were writing your retirement speech. You had it written. I was going to be like, I get it, guys. If you want to get rid of me, I get it. I thought you meant you had some planned out, which I was going to give you a homework assignment for next. You had it written. Not like, I was going to be like, I get it guys, like if you want to get rid of me, like I get it. Oh, I thought you meant you had some planned out which I was going to

give you a homework assignment for next week to finish that up. Which maybe we'll do anyway. Yeah, I was going to say, everyone write your retirement speech

on KC Radio. Yeah, hand them to us like you do to the president where it's like, I can fucking enact this whenever I want. I have the letter of resignation.

I'm not using it yet. That'd be very funny to have, but then we drop them into the podcast. You guys are just like, resignation speech. Put it on. And then it just cuts to us reading a resignation speech. That's how you get fired. I think it was real. No, we keep it until there's a time.

We need to. The content that you accidentally provided plus the graph you made. Plus the one strike rule. Who would have thought you'd end up with a plus day? Yeah. All things considered. You came out ahead. I was ready coming to work today.

I bet. I fucking bet. Oh, you didn't say a word when you walked in. Yeah, what was the plan if, like, we were going to wait until, like, on Sunday if I texted the group? Like, all right, so Taylor for ATI today? I was waiting for somebody to bring up Taylor. And then I was just going to say, yeah. Knock it up.

Great stuff. Just great stuff all around. Send us your worst bullying and pranking content. Put those in the comments. Yeah. Put them in the comments. All right. So today we've got Heather McMahon on the show, who is one of my favorite guests.

She is just, she is, I don't even know how to describe Heather. She is a trip though. And the entire time she was doing the interview, she's like, I fucking hate it here. How am I here? What is happening? It was a perfect fit.

So Heather will be on for our second interview. We also have Colm Tyrell, very funny Irish comic here in New York. He just wrapped up Skank Fest and he's making his way through the New York City circuit. So he's on the show as well. We also got the gays. We've got out and about. We got Pat and Joey on, who, you know, Joey is just a hurricane of gay.

Joey's a Category 5 gay. Joey. He comes through. Joey's an infectious gay i got yeah he makes you gay like joey turns he turns me gay yeah not even like not even out of like he's so hot like no like our guy jeremy cohen who's also infectious guy that guy's joey's just like joey makes homosexuality look so fun and i'm like i'm missing on the party no not you yeah not you at all you don't make it look fun at all. Look at you, bro. Bro, you're

not gay. The only guy who's less gay than you is Pat. You fuck dudes, but you're not gay. Pat's actually becoming more gay because of Joey on the show. Pat recently came out of the closet. We'll talk about it with this. Yeah, Pat used to dress like shit and play basketball. I was like, you're not gay.

Now he's like flaming. But yeah, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Bro, you're fucking you fucking dress like shit, watch basketball. I'm wearing your I'm literally wearing your merch, dude. I know! Straight dudes wear my merch. Well, yeah!

And depressed people, dude. Welcome to the gay community. So, we'll have them on out and about. Yeah, when Joey comes, I tape an X over my dick to try to fuck it like a hurricane. Keep my shit in place. So before we do all that, we've got the Book of John, the Gospel According to John. It's brought to you by Movement. Join the Movement today. Get yourself

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Tyler was tweeting about this the other day. This is where I saw it first. Bill Parcells. I'm glad you also saw it. Real name. Bill Parcells' real name is Dwayne. Which is crazy. If you tell me Dwayne Parcells, I'm thinking not a man who looks like Bill Parcells.

Oh, Bill Parcells, I'm thinking, not a man who looks like Bill Parcells. Oh, Bill Parcells changing his name to Bill heightens his racism times ten. Bill Parcells, yeah, Jap play. So, like, that plus this.

And changing from Dwayne, being like, I can't be Dwayne. Yeah, like, Dwayne? That's crazy. Every day he woke up angry. I'm a Dwayne, being like, I can't be Dwayne. Yeah, like Dwayne? That's crazy. Every day he woke up angry. I'm a Dwayne. The reason he is the way he is is because his name was Dwayne for the first 12 years of his life. And then? And then he moved to a town.

I forget exactly what town. It was in Oklahoma, I believe. Moved to a town where he looked like another man already there. And people kept mistaking him for Bill. So he just was like, you know what? I'm Bill. That's crazy. That would be your reason to change your name from Bill because there are two Bills who look alike.

Okay, I'm Dwayne now. He went from Dwayne to Bill because he looked like Bill. That's nuts! Well, it's almost like you guys are already confused. Let's make it official. His middle name is not Bill. There is no Bill in Bill Parcells' name. I love the thought.

I love people who just make up and change names. Because it's a weird thing that we view as permanent You know It's like I can't that's my name Well you see you're funny because you get Not mad at me but you make fun of me

Because I'm like you can call me whatever the fuck you want Yeah I was going to bring that up When people incessantly get your name wrong I can understand Eventually just being like whatever You succumb It's just like I can't correct you I can't correct just being like, whatever. You succumb. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's just like, I can't correct you for, I can't correct every single person forever.

So just call me whatever you want. And yeah, I guess in this case, like I'm so sick, but like, that's like, I can't pronounce it. Cause it's spelled weird. Not you look like someone else. So we got you mixed up. So I'll just be that guy too. That's a little like single white female-ish, you know what I mean?

Right, right, right. But I also – like this other bill had to be awesome, right? Yeah. Like if I was – if there was another Kevin and – or no, if there was somebody – I don't know. If people were like calling me Zach, I wouldn't be like, just call me Zach. I wouldn't be lumped just call me Zach. I don't want to be lumped in with that guy. But the people who are just like, nah, that's not what you're going to call me. You're going to call me this.

It's a fine line. It's a fine line. It's pronounced blank. Oh, I also have a difficult name. Who gives a shit? Yeah, fuck you. It doesn't matter. Part of me thinks it depends on who you are.

And a guy like the big tuna, it's kind of a shit. Yeah, fuck you. It doesn't matter. Part of me thinks it depends on who you are. And a guy like the Big Tuna, it's kind of a flex. Like, I'm gonna just change it and here's what's gonna happen. I also, like, there was this kid in my school. He was Andrew Schmidt. And then he Andrew Schmidt and his middle name must have been, like, Chris or something. And, like, fourth grade, he was

like, call me AC. I wanna be AC. It was probably AC Slater, to be honest. That made him do it. Oh, for sure. So we were kind of like, okay, I guess so. And then like in middle school, he wanted to go back to like Andrew. And it was like, nah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There was also a girl in my school whose last name was Broccoli.

And then like in eighth grade, she was like, no, no, no, it's pronounced Broccoli. I was like, no, it's not. It's pronounced broccoli. I was like, no, it's not. It's pronounced broccoli. And then there was a kid. Also, this woman, this poor girl, was not introduced to broccoli until eighth grade. Well, I think she just got fed up. It never struck her. Yeah, she was like, whoa, wait a minute.

I was in second grade crying into my fucking supper as I'm mommying. You can't get up until you eat all your vegetables. Her mom was giving her a fucking frozen hungry man. You go eat up, you fat fuck. There's no broccoli in your vegetables. Your mom's giving her a fucking frozen hungry man. You go eat up your fat. There's no broccoli in that. You're heading to camp. We're getting rocks. Jackie better.

So, like, those guys annoyed me. There was also a kid last night. I had a buddy do that. Leninger. This kid changed it three times. We used to say Leninger. How do you know the same people who changed their names? Because he's fucking stuck in my brain. It was Leninger. And then he was like, no, no, no. It say Leninger how do you know the same people who changed their name because these fucking stuck in my

brain there was Leninger and then he was like no no it's lining juror and then he's like no it's lining gur and I was like enough there's like 50 different

permutations we could do like gurors and jurors looks to the eyes and the ends we could be doing this fucking forever Jeff see I I I've never heard anything like this.

I like people who call me whatever they want. I mean, I love Dave. Dave called me Fiedelberg. People still occasionally be like, Fied, what's up? I hate that. It's crazy that it still happens. If you know you enough to know you, it's just fucking stupid to call you by the wrong name. It is.

I haven't regularly been referred to as Fiedelberg for quite some time yeah i would say it started with dave i would say seven years and caribous he just is a disrespectful asshole it doesn't take the time to learn people's names but the fans doing it it's like crazy the um but what was gonna say but the like i've heard it with athletes with like marshawn marshand uh tyrod Taylor, isn't it? That he, we've been pronouncing that wrong the whole time, I think. But like, I've never just heard. Hasan Minhaj. That's one. Oh, yeah.

I was saying Hasan Minhaj and it's actually Hasan Minhaj. Oh, Chrissy Teigen. Chrissy Teigen. That, yeah, that one blew my mind. Yeah. But like, to just a whole new name is. Bill. And the fact that it's Bill, you know.

It wasn't anything like exotic or whatever. Like, there's probably more than two Bills. There's probably like ten Bills fact that it's Bill, you know? It wasn't anything exotic or whatever. There's probably more than two Bills. There's probably like ten Bills in that town. He had another one in. I'll be Bill too. And then you go on to high school. And then you go to college. You know what I mean? Plenty of time to change it.

He must have just hated Dwayne. That's what it was. Yeah, but it's funny to be like, everyone in the town knew, like, oh, it's because we call you Bill because you look like Bill. But then you go somewhere else, and it's like, I'll just stick with it.

It's like, nobody knows that story. Nobody knows the other Bill. Now you're just Bill. His friends happen upon his fucking license. Like, where is Bill? Yeah, what's that about? It's not legally changing or anything, though, right? I would imagine no. I wonder what his government name is now he's the tuna big tuna is a great

nickname where did that come i don't know that fuck if i know yeah that's a good one though he's i mean he's he's up there he's a gangster like one of those guys that like and he runs your team it's gonna be good unless except for the jets Unless you're one of the last three teams you ran. I mean, but even still, like, when he was with, what, the Cowboys last, was his last run? Like, they were, they

didn't win, but, like, he was legit. And, like. He did his thing with the Dolphins, too. He was, like, president of the Dolphins. Right, right, right.

With the Jets, even, like, obviously, it didn't work out. Nothing works out. But it was, like, they were respectable. I think they were in the playoffs.

It was, like, you know, it wasn't the end of the world. I think they made 99, maybe. But, yeah, whatever. So, Bill Parcells, what else you got? All right, next topic.

This one's fine, too. The third one, we might cut. We'll see how it goes. You're nervous about the third one. It looks me in the eyes. You're like, I got a topic. Okay, the second one. Have you heard of Constitution DAO?

D-O-W? D-A-O. Is that an abbreviation? No, it's a group. It means Decentralized Autonomous Organization. So what Constitution DAO just did was they raised a shitload of money to buy the Constitution. It's like real life fucking national treasure. Okay. It's an original copy of the the constitution what do you think it goes for like 3.2 million dollars 40 yeah yeah

the so they raise i guess they're like 12 as i said that i was like babe ruth's like autograph goes for like low millions it's the fucking constitution 40 million there are like 12 original copies of the constitution wait what how do you have 12 original copies

like I think copy means it's not original original like there's the original one is in the constitution is that the Lincoln Memorial

wherever Smithsonian whatever capital wherever the fuck is and uh and I guess I don't know exactly what the original copies mean, but. Okay.

They may be probably also handwritten. Important ones. But not the whole one. Oh, okay. Got it. Is what I imagine it means. But I don't know for sure. Anything that's got to, like, to me, anything that's important has to still be written by the dudes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be in Jefferson's handwriting. Right, right, right. But so they get, it's just these fucking crypto dudes, crypto people who. Are they doing this just like as memorabilia? As memorabilia, but it's also actually kind of cool where they want like anyone who donated money. So they raised all the money. 40 mil?

They raised $40 million. They did not win it. Spoiler alert. Bro. It went for 41. That sucks. But also there's just So many better ways

To spend $40 million But it was It was kind of cool Where it was like They If you gave money You get a vote And so

If they won it at auction At Sotheby's Everyone was going to get to vote Where it goes Be like Give it to a museum What do we want to do with it Which it was kind of cool

But the But why? Is there something wrong with the Constitution right now? They're like, we need to save the Constitution from where it currently sits or something? I don't know. It is... I don't know why they wanted it. Like, I would love to them to, like... Could be cool. I would love if they were like,

we're just going to hang it, like, above a bar in Buffalo. You know, like, some shit that's just like, what? But can you imagine the people at Sotheby's and the people who were involved in this thing? The

Constitution is a pretty fucking big thing. I imagine there's some government officials there and shit like that. I was reading this article and just people I didn't even know it was for sale. Me neither. But these are some of the quotes from the people who showed up to get it. Go back up, Paz.

I feel like I'm part of an organism. A 28-year-old contributor wearing a green fur coat and leather sandals said excitedly in the Sotheby's lobby, It's fucking awesome! Nearby, my man screamed, dressed in a military jacket, white breeches, and a dry corn hat with a homemade sign reading, I'm buying the Constitution. Another man walked up and said, wonder if anyone else is going to show up? And then they're, so then like their... Oh, here's another one. It doesn't look like whatever million dollars it's going to go for.

It's just a piece of parchment. Said a software developer wearing a fat Albert button-down and rainbow boomers. The letter S, it looks like an F. A man in a tan hoodie said. They can't even write letters. Blessings looks like an F, a man in a tan hood, he said. They can't even write letters. Blessings looks like bluffings. And then across the room, Liliana Pinochet, a 75-year-old woman who had just finished cancer treatment at a nearby hospital, asked the group what they would do with the Constitution.

Like the one official woman just got on her way back from chemo it's like what are we doing hooligans going to do with this piece of american history i don't get why it would even be on sale i don't even get um what what what who are you buying it from like the government the is the government just need an extra 40 mil let's ask straight money probably not probably like we got inflation we need more money back. And how about this? The dude who bought it, who swooped in, is that motherfucker, the CEO of Citadel. Those are like the evil guys that did all the fucking GameStop shit.

Oh, they hated it. Yeah, they are just like the worst, huh? I didn't know that. They're keeping down the little man. He probably just swooped in and was like, oh, you know, these are basically the GameStop people. Let's fuck them and their asses again. That's wild. I didn't realize that.

43.2 it ended up going for. Oh, okay. What did the... Go to the click to release a statement. Only for the group to release a statement. Of course, it's just a tweet. Oh, no, all right. It was spelled out.

Community, we did not win the bid for the copy of the US Constitution While this wasn't the outcome we had hoped for We still made history tonight with Constitution Dow Which I hope I'm pronouncing right Actually I don't give a shit 17,437 donors With a median size donation Of $206

That's good You can get 17,000 people to donate $200. You can get $40,000. These guys just go into business and be like, okay, we're not going to buy the Constitution. This time we're going to do fucking whatever else you want and just ride with these people. If you can crowdsource, you can run the world.

They also did, I think I left this out, they also told everyone if they don't win the bidding you get your money right yeah i would hope yeah i mean i would i would give back like i would i would skim i would i would have a uh like an organizer's fee you know i would take like five bucks off the top of all these and walk away with you know like 100 grand yeah just for me um the now what would you do with it? Where would you put it? I was going to say, what would you buy? First, where would you put the Constitution?

Oh, okay. Good question. Better question than mine, to be honest. Where would I put the Constitution? I think it would be very funny if it was just like in the Popeyes on 7th Avenue. I was just going to say, just in a Denny's. Any Denny's.

It has to be highly protected. on 7th Avenue. I was just going to say, like, just in a Denny's, any Denny's. The only problem is it has to be, like, highly protected, you know? Yeah. But, like, those Denny's employees are rough.

Ain't nobody stealing shit from a Denny's, man. The, yeah, I wouldn't put it, like, in my apartment. I wouldn't,

I wouldn't keep it, like, safe. I want it to be somewhere funny. But, like, theoretically in a world, like,

somehow, like, you don't need to have like you know bulletproof glass and like yeah like men with guns protecting it what's like the funniest spot it could be where it's like i would know like you're at a urinal and you're saying there's a constitution i would give it to a cabbie and he has to keep it in the back seat so you just you can get like the constitution cap so it's like but like it's like it's in a big glass thing so it's really inconvenient for him to have to carry this. And, like, someone's like, can you fit two? And he's like, no.

I got a constitution back there. The fucking constitution is back there. Can one ride up front? No, that's the constitution seat. No, the fucking. No, not because of coronavirus. But, like, everyone's like, all right. And he goes home again.

Doesn't make any money that day. He's got $40 million worth of fucking American history in his backseat. Can't get a goddamn ride. Just miserable every day going out downtrodden. I'm like, no, you have to. If you keep it there for 20 years, you'll get it. I'll give you $10 million. I can't survive day to day. I can't afford food so I can't give a ride to anybody I can't fit like but

can you please just fucking like if you put the costumes on your lap I'll give you 50% discount I'm hungry I'm a homeless man who has a car and the I have so much value to my name and none of it has any purchasing power I bring it like to like remember they do those man on the streets talking about gun control or whatever and someone would be like

in the constitution it says tell me one thing the constitution says nobody can do it I would i would i would go to like those places where people are like in the constitution it says we have this right it's like no it doesn't look i've got it right fucking here you morons that was like the viral video cuomo where it's like and show me where in the constitution with a kid eating the fucking ramen critical oh it's a very funny it's like a tiktok think. Where it's like the kid doing it in front of a video and it's Chris Cuomo on CNN.

And show me where in the Constitution it says that a protest has to be peaceful. And he's just eating raw ramen. It's right there, Mr. Cuomo. Oh, now I remember. Look it up. By the way, Cuomos... The Cuomos have so overplayed their hand.

I don't know what happened. I saw a trend. Just get out of here. What do you do? He's just using his position to find out inside info about what are the accusers going to try to say. To be honest, I actually don't have a problem with what he did. If my brother was on trial and I could pick up the phone and be like, yo, so what is accuser number three going to say? I would probably do that.

But you can't get caught doing it. Yeah, you get busted. You probably lose your job. Yeah, right. I'd do it. I'd probably get fired. Yeah, he said he was like, he played it kind of smart.

I'd pavs it. I'd be like, yeah, I get it. Yeah. He said, he goes, it's totally normal for one journalist to hit up another journalist and like ask for like scoop. I'm like, that probably is true. But Nick to be like, what's the accuser saying?

And then he would go back to his brother and be like, here's how you should have your defense. So it's like insider trading, but for like legal stuff, you're going to get fired. Yeah. You know, it's like your brother's writing a book about the pandemic. What did we say? It was great. I was like, here, what would the book really say like uh because nick goes step one kill all the olds and step two fuck your secretary because she's

stuck here and then it was like step three say that you're allowed to be a pervert because you're italian finn table of contents that's the end of the book yeah they just like just get out of here you dumb fucking eye ties. You're done. Your time's over. You thought you were going to be president? You're not. You thought you were going to be like some,

you know, the next Ted Brokaw or Tom Brokaw? No, you're not. You're out. Goodbye. Who do you think had a worse pandemic? The dead people or Cuomo's? I was going to say,

the dead people are fine. I was going to say Joe Exotic or the Cuomo's. Exotic started the pandemic thinking he was getting pardoned. Oh, right. And he ended it with cancer. And Andrew Cuomo thought he was going to be president.

He's going to end up in jail. And Chris Cuomo thought he was going to end up being like the journalist, the most investigative journalist. And now he's just going to be like... I mean, they started it with the term Homosexual being popularized

He both ended up unemployed That's a good one Tough gig for both For all three involved A lot of highs, a lot of lows Last topic Speaking of unemployed Let's get fired

The Yesterday Alright that was it Let's get fired. The yesterday. No. Alright, that one was it. That one was it. Bring in the gay boys. Alright, the gays are brought to you perfectly by Roman.

I'm going to ask them. I've asked this question before. I've already kind of asked Pat this about do gay guys use Roman? And the answer is yes. Everybody wants to last longer in bed no matter what you're doing. I would have thought I already kind of asked Pat this about, you know, do gay guys use Roman? And the answer is yes. The answer is yes. Everybody wants to last longer in bed no matter what you're doing. I would have thought, you know, let's get this done with quicker. Yeah, I'm not trying to.

Let's prolong that. I'm not trying to take it for that long. Right, right. But they said yes. So Roman works for everybody. Guys, girls, gay, straight, in, out, up, down, black, white, big, small. Not, I was going to say old, young. Nope, black, white, big, small, not. I was going to say old, young. Nope.

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Because if you've ever used – one time I used a rubber – like a numbing condom and that shit. You feel like you don't have a dick. I felt like I lost my dick. I felt like it was off my body. It was like, where did my dick go? You would never come with one of those. But not with the swipes. You can still feel it.

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she gets hype. When you say you get hype, I like when you numb your dick and you make her click. Oh, I didn't hear that. What did you say? When you numb your dick, you make her click. Her click? Another cool kid reference. The fucking sprinkler dance. No, I didn't mean dance. I meant squirt.

I know. I just woke up from an antipsychotic coma that I put myself into. Wait, please pause. Oh, yeah. Actually, are we recording? Yeah. Yeah, let's begin. John will come in halfway to an antipsychotic coma conversation, and that'll be funny.

What do you tell? Well, you know, I was having quite a night, and I wanted to kind of relax a little bit more than my normal sleeping pills that I take, so I had an antipsychotic in my pan bag that I got from a girl at a bar. Just like, ah, like a solo pill?

No, there's a few. I took a couple. We did a little trade-off at the bar, so I kind of like trade a little bit. Well, you gave her, you went down on her.

I did. No, so I took her the other day. I think I've asked you this before. Are you Gold Star? Gold Star, but I did finger Jen on the couch.

I never stuck my dick in this nerve. Have you, Trish? Yeah. Yeah, he's like... Nick, have you? Yeah, bro. Have you touched a vagina? Oh, please.

Do you want to know a funny story about Zach? The first time he... Just his own. The only time he touched a vagina is his own. The first time he ever hooked up with a guy, he bottomed. How funny is that? Okay. First of all...

First time you ever hooked up with a guy, he got fucked in the ass. I already already I regret Suggesting this Yeah I think it might be Yeah alright No I'm not a gold star gay Okay

That's the answer Imagine the woman Who hooked up with him I did finger my friend Down the couch Pat plays for keeps bro Pat scares me bro Pat plays for keeps

He comes in hot What'd you do He was like the first time He fucked a guy He got fucked in the ass He did he told it on our show the first time he ever hooked up with a guy he bought him that's funny i didn't know that that's like a that's funny that's that's that's not how it usually goes well i mean you don't usually ease into it with maybe a kiss or something you don't just bend over the bathroom sink first time he did anything he just got that is crazy i just need to defend

no I mean to say he's like oh yeah you wouldn't kiss Mary is that Elliot Page? I'm sorry let me see your top scores now that you have been

Elliot Page is way jacked way more jacked I would fuck Elliot Page are you kidding me? Elliot Page is like my Twinkie dream oh she has a pussy that's the only problem Elliot Page Elliot Page. Are you kidding me? Elliot Page is like my Twinkie dream. Although she has a pussy, though. That's the only problem.

Elliot Page is fucking. Elliot Page is not a twink. Elliot Page is a twunk. She's a twunk. If I have a dream body that's attainable, it's Elliot Page. Of course I would like to look like Ryan Reynolds, but we know I can't achieve that. I could maybe achieve Elliot Page. Sure.

Maybe. A little creatine and a strict diet? Why not? So anyway, I did figure my friend Jen on the couch, but that's it. So I took the antipsychotic.

Normally, that's the time I took it. I remember it was a little lucid the next day. Let me ask you a question. What fingers did you use? It was,

I think I was this hand. This is my non-dominant hand. That's a crazy move. That's a crazy move. That's the gayest thing I ever heard. I did need to balance. This is non-dominant hand. That's a crazy move. That's a crazy move. That's the gayest thing I ever heard. I did need to balance myself. This is non-dominant. I did need to balance myself.

That's how you know you're gay, when you use your weak hand to finger-trap. He did it with a pinky. I was looking for the button, and I found it, but I kept giggling, so she couldn't climax. What fingers did you use?

These two. Yeah, that's how you know you're gay. Well, I think the first time I used them, I was like this. The first time I... What do you this. You gotta go with these. Everybody goes with these. I feel like I'm doing a magic trick. It's like gross just to even think of.

And then you flick with the thumb like this. You guys are like, pussy, disgusting. So gross. It's not better to put in a poop hole. So I took the pill and I laid down and I said my prayers and I went to bed at 11 o'clock.

I didn't wake up until for 18 hours later. I woke up in the middle. It was nighttime when I woke up. It was four o'clock. It was four o'clock and I thought

it has to be four in the morning. I went to pee. It was fucking four in the afternoon. I was out cold. I texted him, are you okay?

Like three times in a row. I woke up just two days ago. I'm still feeling the effects. Yeah. So yeah, so you were just out in your bed for 18 row. I woke up just two days ago. I'm still feeling the effects. Yeah. So yeah, so you were just out in your bed for 18 hours. Yeah,

I could have been dead. Were people looking for you? Yes, I woke up, my whole phone was blown up and it was about to die because there were so many messages bouncing,

bouncing, bouncing. Trish called me like 19 times. There was like a search and release. What was it called? Search, Amber Alert. An Amber Alert out for me.

Yeah, 5750 shit. Yeah, I was just, I was just, a little bit of a cat nap that day I just relax a little bit and get through the holidays okay

so if you want a coma pill let me know I'll sell them outside the Barstool Sports well you know what they're for sale in the store I actually might take you up on that because I am always like man

if you have 18 hours to spare well that's the thing I don't like what you say. On the off chance that it's like, oh, I don't have the kids. I don't have any work. There's no interviews. I would love to catch up on sleep. And I just never do because it's like my clock.

I just wake up. I could maybe use an antipsychotic coma. It's just like, you know when you're coming off ecstasy and it looks like that numbing, kind of relaxed, lucid feeling? That's what it's like. It's like a low-grade ecstasy. Now, it's for people that have schizophrenia and seizures. So, you know, why not?

Bottoms up. That's when you're bored of cocaine and ecstasy. You go to anti-psychotics. What did you trade her? I gave her, I think, just some Xanax or maybe a Cybalta. I guess we know who won that fucking trade. Oh, no, that's my crazy pill. It must have been Xanax or Adderall.

It could have been either one. I don't know. We're going up or down today, man. Let me know. I got my passport. Fuck it. Let's go. I was just talking about that on our show,

on Out and About podcast. I'm trying to convince you to get back into like, you have such a negative opinion of gay people as do I. Well, we're going to New York Jacks. Yes. Oh, do you know New York, would you go to New York Jacks with us? Yes. Okay. Fantastic. Tell them what it is. So it's a month, it's a party

two times a week, Sunday and Tuesdays. Bi-monthly. Sundays and Tuesdays? It happens Sundays and Tuesdays. It's a party for like-minded gooners. Like-minded Gooners And gentlemen like ourselves Where we just enjoy each other's company While we masturbate our penises

Wait It's a jerk-off club I thought this was different I'm out on the party I'll be honest, I thought it was different Now that I heard it, I think I'm in on it I thought this was the party you go to Do I have to touch it

no no you don't have to touch anything there's actually no touching allowed this is exactly what I need because I've always wanted to be gay but I don't want to suck or fuck dicks exactly that's what I do

so I will jerk myself off at a gay party yeah would you be okay if I laid on the ground underneath and just let you spray it on me yes

I mean I need a target this is the twitter New York Jack it's in Chelsea and then there's one down there. I don't want to jerk it. These are not images from the site.

This is just in... What's that called? That's called fraudage. Fraudage. Fraudage? How do you know these terms? Why does he got a sock on? Go scroll through.

Why does he got a sock on? Find a cock you like. Find a cock. Oh my God. Willie's there? I'd rather come on you than that guy. Look at the titties on him.

He's got tits. That looks like a butt. Those tits are so... Now, if you keep scrolling, you Look at the titties on him. He's got tits. That looks like a butt. Those tits are so beautiful. Now, if you keep scrolling, you will see the BBC. Yeah. That's Big Black Cock. Now, Trish and I

will be going undercover as cisgendered men. Damn, gross. At the New York Jacks party. We're going undercover as cis boys there. Wait, you're going to pretend to be cis?

Cis-presenting straight females are going to go undercover. That's a fiasco, man. Uncut dicks are a nightmare. You got one, right? Well, no, Trish is a cup of scenting. The doctor got lazy. I'm half cut. The doctor fucked up.

You're half cut? You have botched up? Depending on the day, I can cover the head with skin. What? But then it's uncut. I could jack up with my skin if I wanted to. How do you get a botched job? Ask fucking Dr. Friedman. I think he's dead now. You'd think a Jewish guy would be

able to give a good bris. Apparently not. What's on that guy's nipples? What's not on his nipples? This is me and Trish the other day. You guys fucking wish. I know. You know what you've done? Me and Cameron were talking about this

earlier. You have dragged Pat out of the closet. Yeah, you finally came out. It's the one day a week I get to be gay here is when this guy is. No, no. When I found out, when Pat was just writing. I thought gay guys were supposed to be hot. Yes. Don't get me going.

And had good gay humor that I thought he was going to be a hot gay. And he comes in. Well, now we're talking about physical looks. I didn't know about hot. No, I know. When I say hot, I mean like I thought you were going to like dress the part and look the part. And you come in like dressed like a slob playing basketball. I was like, this guy's not gay.

I was like, suck a dick. You're like a tall, skinny version of Tim Dillon. Like suck a dick in front of me to prove it. That's a compliment. Pat has, but Pat, you've noticed, I actually almost responded to one of your tweets recently being like, oh, sure, are you gay? Yeah.

Because I figured out the formula. I was like, oh, okay, in order to be a successful writer, you just have to make straight guys horny, so let me post a thousand pictures of tits. And then on my show, I can be as gay as I want. Yeah. And then that's it. And that's where Joey comes in.

We're going to find out that you were bait that's where Joey comes in We're gonna find out That you were baiting us The whole time We're gonna cancel you Yeah the Rachel Dolezal of gay Yes Rachel Dolezal We're doing a segment on our show

Where we cancel someone every week Yes Last week was publicity Yes Oh you're getting someone out of our school We cancel publicity We're trying to look for racist tweets Well I'm trying to get people fired

So I can get hired Yes We're freeing up cap space That's the whole thing That's what I do. I need a good time slot and a good time slot in the studio

that these six o'clock call times aren't doing it for me, Trish. This week is Little Sass. We're going for Little Sass this week. Oh, yeah. You didn't like the way he looked at Joey with just a look in his eye.

Yeah, just a little homophobic, a little rage. And I just spoke earlier saying I wanted to chew on his grundle. Just at my ear hours earlier and then I go in the room and, you know he's he's a guy who's all

talk no show are you guys uh attracted to grundles yeah I love I love balls and assholes I mean that would that checks out the whole I'll take everything under there

just he's he's the most sexual texter I have to tell him to calm down sometimes if you look through our if I click pictures on our text it's foul.

Have you two fucked? No. Not yet. This is what I'm trying to get him to walk back. You're just the two biggest sluts I've ever met in my life, male or female. I figured you put two sluts

in a room, they fuck each other. I was slutting it up so bad the past literally six months. I did. The last six months. You had an AIDS scare! On World AIDS Day!

On World AIDS Day! Bro! Who has has AIDS scare? No, well, let me... It wasn't a scare. It was kind of a scare. I had lost... Over the past six months... Bro, that is hilarious. Over the past six months, I've lost 30 pounds. Bro, you got AIDS.

You definitely got AIDS. Can we bleep this, please, to be a little more sensitive to the community? That's you and John, correct? Show that to the camera. Wait, so I lost all this? Show me the dick. Show you the dick?

Is that you? Oh, my God! What is that? Did you just cum on your own face? He has a gif of himself coming. It's a gif. That means you, like, turned that fucking video into a gif of himself coming It's a gif That means you like Turned that fucking video

I turned it It was leaked on the internet I'm not a Ohio lawyer This is us gooning Oh my god You're not watching this You gooned on your dick You guys just send these

To each other It's so disgusting John This is Oh no Oh no We did it again That's

Okay Just looking at it At this point Why you Stop watching him come I'm mesmerized It's a It's a fucking shot

He's a heavy She's a heavy shooter Ah yeah I see it That's amazing I am I am Astounded

These are our goon faces We send each other So what is gooning What is gooning Gooning is It's jerking off This is our king gooner Wait let me say Gooner Thatoning? Gooning is jerking off. This is our king gooner. Wait, let me say.

Gooner. That's him. Gooner's jerking off. Oh, that's our guy. Camera. Here's what gooning is. Gooning is, as I understand it here, the gay version of Oswego. Yep.

Yeah, we both nailed it. It's where you obsess over your penis for hours as you masturbate. Oh, okay. So you'll be like, it's like a gooning face. Like, it's like, you you obsess over your penis for hours as you masturbate. Oh, okay. So you'll be like, it's like a gooning face. Like, you're almost like a little retarded as you jerk off. Girls do, like, they make it look like they're in anime. And they do a... Yeah.

Right, right. Yeah. So we're actually turning in... They're turning the... Shannon Rogue or whatever her name is, is the queen of that shit. Who used to be all over Barstool Sports. Oh, yeah? Yeah, she was like on an ad deal where it was, like...

Oh, I thought you were tweeting us. No, no, no. It was, like, promoting, like, Shaden Rogue. I think her name is. Yes, it is. Shaden Rogue. I think that's her name. No, no.

I'm not in pronunciation. I can spell it. I can type it into a search bar. Is Flederberg having a stroke right now? Yeah. It's Shaden Rogue. My first order of business here at Barstool. I'm saying a porn chick's name.

Like I said, it's a hard one. I'll spell it out for you. S-H-A-I-D-E-N-R-O-U-G-E. She's like the Megan Fox of porn. R-O-G-U-E. Oh, she's a weapon. The second I hear the word woman, I stop paying attention. So it's fine.

We can just... Let me know when I... My first order of business here at Barstool is to turn the gambling room into the goon pit. Correct. Only on Wednesdays from 2 to 3. So we already got a petition signed. Erica Nardini already signed off on it. I just need the rest of the group. Does someone need to like on Wednesdays from 2 to 3. So we already have a petition signed. Erica Nardini already signed off on it.

I just need the rest of the group. Does someone need to like mop up? We need 15 more. No, we'll set it up. Erica Nardini has signed off on it.

She signed off but we do need 10 more signatures. That's where y'all come in. Okay. Now the goon pit will be all inclusive. She knew that she was

turning the gang room into a jerk off pit. It may have been. It sounds like you described to her has troops heard of this term? Because Troops is a gooner. Goon porn will be shown on the big screens

and we will be covering in hefty trash bags. Correct. I would imagine this is lubricant, poppers. This was a lie of omission when you were telling Erica what this is. Yeah, she didn't really know, and this is actually going to run on a Friday which is back-to-back with Scatterdazer for the boys. Yeah, Scatterdazer for the boys.

Scatterdazer with a capital T for Tina. If you want to see some scat, I got a video for you boys. No! Do you guys have any three-cheat edibles I can take? Do you have poppers on there? I want the Skittles. This makes me want to pass. Did you just pull out a popper out of nowhere?

From your handbag? Elliot is wiling out today And these You sniff them and your asshole relaxes You get more of a head high But isn't that for anal sex? Does it actually do something to your asshole? It makes your face really hot

But does it do something to your asshole? No, it relaxes you It doesn't physically loosen your asshole Nothing will hurt, you can get punched in the head But you only have I've done it, you get a head high It's not fun it relaxes you. It doesn't physically loosen your asshole. Nothing will hurt. You can get punched in the head and it'll be like, oh. But you only have like, I mean like, I've done it. You get a head high. It's not fun. But you have like,

the head high lasts like 30 seconds. It's nail polish. That's what you say. So the cops arrest you. I accidentally brought poppers in to hear one day. Accidentally.

And Pavs was very concerned that his asshole would just loosen immediately after doing so. The shit's going to fall out. Pavs thought it was gay juice. I'm not. I'm just going to text. Have you ever tried Metamucil? I've been taking it. Isn't that like for old women?

No, it's not. If you do it, you can just shake in the woods and your whole asshole is clean after you go to the bathroom. You don't even have to wait. That sounds useful for you guys. Metamucil. You're going to like what you see. I guarantee it. Now get the sugar free.

30 calories a day. And that's a required ad. Would you guys use Roman Swipes? What is that? Totally, right? No. What is that? I feel like? No. What is that? I feel like I jerk off so much

that it takes a lot for me. What's Roman swipes? It numbs your dick a little bit so you can last longer. Oh, I would try that, yeah. With a sponsor? Oh, yeah. I would love a Roman swipe.

I've used this before, but for straight guys, we always want to last longer. Yeah. But do gay guys want to? I would need that when I get it over with. No. I feel like when I asked you this, you told me yes. For straight guys, we always want to last longer. But do gay guys want to? I would need that. I feel like when I asked you this, you told me yes.

Like it's hot to last long. I don't know about that. But a guy, I figured it would be like, alright, you can fucking be ass and get it over with. Does it desensitize you? It's like a Viagra. It's just like, it's a swipe, you wipe it on the skin, and it desensitizes.

Can I put on my soft dish No I might like this I might like this after After spicy food To numb my asshole So it doesn't burn Rub them on It looks like

Right now What are those Oh those might be condoms Those are condoms Who's Roman Oh those are condoms What Oh these are swipes

Oh okay They look like a bigger condom I'm gonna put these on my nipples And see what happens Yeah You'll just feel like numb You'll just feel a little Let me help you here.

A little assistance. Oh, my. Now, give it a minute, and they'll feel like a little numb. No, it doesn't smell. It's my top surgery. Oh. Now, give it like a second, and then you'll feel like just a little bit numb. You'll feel it on your fingers.

Yeah. Put it on your dick. Go ahead. Don't take your dick. Just put it in. No, I can't reach into that. Into that. Into the woods. I'm a birdie. I'm a tweezer. Now. Oh, Jackie's right ahead. Don't take your dick. Just put it in. No, I can't reach into that. Into that. Into the woods.

I have a tweezer. Now. Oh, Jackie's right there. She'll see my cock. Put it like that. That's what I did. Just drive me through your pants. I can put it right on my wiener?

I just rub it? Yes. And then you'll just feel like a little bit numb. No, go down there. But I would imagine that when you're, I would imagine it's like get it done with, you know what I mean? She was uncut right there.

Oh, God. She was uncut. I do Oh, God. She was uncut. I do like the idea of a feminine penis. I like the idea that it's feminine when it's cut and it's masculine when it's uncut. What gets women's names? Ships and Pat's dick. I don't feel any. Right now at Roman.com, you can get 50% off using code KFCRADIO.

Use code, go to getroman.com slash KFC Yeah But again I ask the question If a guy's lasting too long are you like wrapped it up Not if it's like Did you come from getting fucked in your ass No other manual I had to switch

Because what happens when I was dating this was years ago I would get fucked in the ass And I would finish so quickly because it felt so good. And then I would have to... It would just be no hands, no nothing. No, I would touch a little bit. That's what I mean.

But then I'd have to lay there the whole time after I've come while the guy's taking forever to come so I had to stop doing it because there was nothing worse than when you've already finished having a sweaty guy like panting on top of you.

Yeah, that's gotta suck. It's like, no thank you. So I switched. That's why, you know what sucks? Being a girl. That's their whole existence. Yeah, well at least guys finish fast and they don't have to worry. You think guys finish faster in chicks than dudes?

Finish faster in... You think gay guys last longer than straight guys? Well, gay guys take methamphetamines. They're up for the week anyway. Got it. I'm up from Friday morning at 8 a.m. until Sunday at 7 p.m. I've described that to Kevin before

Where I've come home on a Saturday night And just spent the next 6 hours Monday morning Fucking pounding off Waking up in a fucking Not waking up, just fucking coming out of the Jerk off cloud in a sweat You're a pig Because you would have like an all nighter

And you would just jerk off all the next day That's what you tell me about this. In that back room of yours, looking out into your neighbors, there's 600 of them looking right onto your bed. If a guy had a pussy, would you fuck it? Yes. You talk. I'll show it.

Do you have the guess? Yes, I got the guess. Because here's the thing. I know you guys are turned off by vaginas. Oh, I'm? Yes. You talk. I'll show it. Do you have the guess? Yes, I got the guess. Because here's the thing. I know you guys are turned off by vaginas. Oh, I'm not. I mean, I guess I could. I don't know. Maybe I would say objectively they are designed to make your dick feel

the best thing in the world. Better than an asshole. Better than a mouth. It's just the perfect feeling. Yeah, I never tried it. But you guys don't want that. I would try it. I would. But it has to be like a man. That's what I mean. Heavy Vin Diesel. Yeah, Vin Diesel than a mouth. It's just the perfect feeling. Yeah, I never tried it. But you guys don't want that. I would try it. I would, but it has to be like a man. That's what I mean. Heavy Vin Diesel. Yeah, Vin Diesel with a pussy. Vin Diesel gassed up, baby.

I actually hooked up with a person like that before. Let's see it. This is my favorite one of them. He's so hot. Jamie Wilson. Oh! That's okay. No, now you have to.

Now you can't leave. Wait, I licked this. My whole tongue is numb now. Wait, what is that What am I looking at It's what But is it So that's a girl

That's a boy A girl that was a boy Okay No it's a boy Right It was a girl Now it's a boy And then

And he just does not She just does not Shave at all No Jackie, Mike Would you like to see No no no They're okay

They're okay I think I would But it's not just The vagina that grosses me out. It's like the idea of a woman. That's what I mean. It's too – yeah. If all of a sudden – if right now –

Of all martial sports, Pat is the most misogynistic. Oh, wow. Long shot. Are you offended? We can cancel the show right now. He said it's not even the vagina. It's just the idea of a woman that turns me on. It's because a vagina is too closely associated with a woman so if you could right now yeah ati snap your fingers and all

dudes now have to answer the internet just hypothetical situation now have you still they still have a dick but they just when you fuck them you're fucking a pussy would you do that no but but knowing that it's better like the visual of it just doesn't do it for me. I'd rather look at a man's butthole than a woman's vagina. I mean, I'd rather look at an asshole. Not a man's. It's true. It's just too many layers.

Like in straight porn when they're like zooming in on like the pussy. I'm like, I don't see that. Or they're zooming on the asshole. There's just too much to it. It's like confusing. With a pussy? Yeah. It does look.

It looks like something from Stranger Things. Like a monster. Correct. Looks like an oyster. It's confusing. With a pussy? It looks like something from Stranger Things. Like a monster. It's going to attack you. There's too much to cunt. If there's one thing you take away from this episode... We can bleep that, right? Yeah, we're going to have to bleep it. I was about to say we can't do that.

We're not bleeping anything. Nothing's getting any better out of this. I tasted it because it said no taste to it And it doesn't have a taste to it So you can give a full sloppy blowjob afterwards I might take one of these For the family picnic this weekend

So this was a video That TJ I'm honestly leaving the room for this one No stay John please So this is a... I'm going to hear the sounds and stuff. Okay. What is it?

Oh, there's sounds. It's a trailer for a porn... You know, like, back in the day when they would make, like, movies for porn rather than just, like,

watching two people fuck? So this is something called Perverse Family. It's, like, the studio or whatever. And they made a porn that is like a horror movie. What year is this from?

I think it's new, brand new. Oh, God. It's a new release. We're going to set you up right now. It's a new release? We're all ready for the reaction video. We're watching it at the same time? Yeah, it's about a minute and 12 seconds.

And you're going to watch it. This is what happens. Should we pop her and get gooned up? We did it with a couple guys the other day on the podcast, and they were like, this is fine. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, wait a minute. So it does

get more and more. You guys are disgusting pigs, so maybe it won't affect you. What if I get hard? Yeah. Oh, boy. You get harder. Oh, it gets way worse. Oh, you guys are fucked. It gets way worse than that. I blow him.

Charlie. That's KFC Radio and the crew underneath. In their bags. Look at the girls peeing back there. Oh, there's black cocks on the... Here's where we take it up a notch. No, I want to be in that room.

That's us. Oh! Wait for the foot. No! No! It was like for the foot. No! Yeah. It was like quicksand. Wait, wait, wait. There's way more.

What happened? Don't push anybody. Someone's smoking here? Look. Oh! You gotta watch, Joey. Oh! Do those connect?

Ah! I'm going to blur that out, though. Oh! Wait for the head at the end. That's me. Here comes the head. No, it's not. That is not true.

How excited. Can you send me that? Created by Sonia Martini. A lady made that? Yeah. Is that real? I don't think the head's real. I think the foot might be real.

We were debating this. The head's not real. What about the dick that goes through the asshole? That is real. I mean, it doesn't come out, but the skin will get pushed out. What the fuck? Yeah, the inside skin. Have you ever figured a girl's butthole and it went up? You can push it up there?

Oh, yeah. No. Really? It's very fun. It's like a... it's not like a it's not like a joey's like i think i'm straight yeah you go through and you can see it out of the between yeah it's cool that's a thing that people do right pick up a girl like a six-pack like yeah bowling ball right yeah it's called a beetle club right Or is that one of the... Yeah, that's actually something you guys can't do. Because you can, like, fuck someone and then, like, feel your dick through...

It's cool. It's nice. Yeah, if you're in, like, a girl's vagina and you put your finger in her ass, it's like, there's my dick, there's my dick, there's my dick. How fun! How have I never even heard of this? Well, think about it, because you're... I know, you fuck guys.

Because girls' assholes and vaginas are this close. Ugh. Which is crazy. That's why God went off the rails when he was designing that. The only thing separating them. You ever see like high school football games where they don't really break through that paper thing? Yeah. That's basically what separates them. Oh, God.

What a disgusting. My dad told me the joke back with his buddies when they were growing up. No, I said that wrong. He said at work, because he worked with engineers and shit like that. He said something like, we know that God must have been a guy because only a guy would put

a sanitation department right next to the playground. That's such a blue collar. Did he work DPW for the city? Probably What's DPW? Department of Public Works These guys are like hands on blue collar workers

So the reason I asked you about Grundles before Is because A big Joe Rogan thing What do gay guys think about Joe Rogan? I like him I would blow 98% of people I see That's the opinion of Joey

Suck or not suck Joey sees the world in a very binary fashion Is he nice? Does he come over here? Oddly enough There's no I've always said he must not really like us Are we shadowbanned? By now we would have there's no, I think he like, I've always said he must not really like us or Dave.

Are we shadow banned? Because like he just, by now we would have like crossed paths. He's threatened by our success. I don't think Joe Rogan's threatened by anybody. Oh. You pre-leaking? You leaking out there?

I pre-con. Was it because of the film? No, I have my nose. Lord knows that thing's fall off there. Yeah. My point was that like, people joke that like, Don't laugh. Joe Rog that Joe Rogan is the straight guy's king. So are gay guys like, ah, fuck Joe Rogan?

I just don't. His body now annoys me because he's too barrel-chested. It's weird from all this stuff. What does he talk about? Everything? Everything. I love Joe Rogan. I think he's great.

He goes from talking about sports and MMA all the way to – he talks to scientists and shit. So this one scientist, author, whatever, on his show was saying that – oh, she was – this was about plastics, oddly enough. You know how they say plastic bottles are bad for you? Yeah. That one of the effects of plastic bottles is shrinking taints. That men right – like men now, there's less space between their asshole and their balls how do you study that because I drank a couple water bottles

apparently that's what she said and also that this means some guys can use a little shrinkage a larger well a larger taint is a sign of masculinity

which makes sense because girls are like tiny guys are bigger and that I think that's kind of a point that we're all you know going to

and it's all Poland Springs fault? Well, I think that was part of it. And that's liberal America fault. Yeah, that's Biden's America. That's fucking Biden. Do you think that some guys are too big of – I've never found – there was a problem down there about size.

We'll have to think about it next time. That guy's bigger. That guy's smaller. We should all go home today and measure up Now if you're using the The Stanley Taint measure You gotta put that little hook in your asshole

And then pull it back To get an accurate measure I don't mind a bulbous taint Oh my god That's the fucking gay version I like fat lips Do I what? I like a mean God. That's the fucking gay version of fat lips. Do I what? I'm like, I'm mean.

I said it. No, like if a guy gets so hard that you can see his dick, it's like his taint is part of his tick. Yeah, that I don't mind. That tube runs all the way back. I have a tough time making guys hard, so I don't say that too often. Yeah, because you play basketball. No one's getting off because you have a jump off.

Nick, you have to tell me what I'm off against you. Nobody's getting hard because you've got a good Eurostab. This is what I wish I was warned about. I am playing gay basketball this week. What's gay basketball? He's on the gay basketball team. I'm the only white guy on the team. This is a porn.

I think we know why Trish joined the league. You know these guys. Have you played a game yet? Yeah. Okay, so I was going to say this is a pour I think we know why Trish joined the league You know these guys Have you played a game yet? Yeah Okay so I was gonna say This is a setup They're just gonna fuck you Oh I wish Oh god I wish

The second I like walked in I was like yeah They're not interested in me I'm like the odd man out Cause I'm like They're like You're the only white guy? I'm the only white guy

I'm like not as gay as them And I'm not as athletic as them We're African Americans And Mark Nothing Yeah Did you see that? We're African Americans and we're nothing.

They're straight guys who couldn't win their league. They're like, fuck it, let's go to the game. Yeah, we'll start a gay league. I play this week every Saturday night to keep me sober. 7.30pm. And then I... What's the only way? I won't drink. I'll play ball with the gays.

I went to a few games drunk. By the way, if I wanted to play, you guys would be like, nope, no straights allowed? No, there's straights allowed. I mean you wouldn't like enjoy it. Like these guys are like pretty – Especially after party. Okay. These guys are like pretty good.

I'm like backing down in the paint. Yeah. No, but they're all soft. They guys can't be bad about – Surprisingly, these gay guys are actually pretty good. They play like straights. You know what it is though? They all play – they're all like too friendly, which is the main difference

between gay basketball and straight basketball. Straight guys, like, they don't talk to each other after or anything. These guys are all, like, super nice. They're friendly. They want to be friends. It's like an adjustment. How terrible is that? So I was just going to defend the straights.

I'm mean as hell about that. After men's league hockey, we all, like, have beers and have fun, but hockey players aren't gay. No, hockey players aren't gay. Hockey is the gayest sport there is. I love hockey. They're the best asses. Hockey, they fuck each other.

Oh, hot. In the locker room. Yeah, I wish I missed the boat on that one. We have sword fights about dicks. It's different. Do you play hockey? I played. I think that they all say things like that.

Like, we're gay. We take our dicks out and joke around. But I think they're actually just fucking each other. Hot. There's been no intercourse. There's been a lot of up-close-and-personal take our dicks out and joke around but I think they're actually just fucking each other there's been no intercourse there's been a lot of up close and personal time with dicks what does that mean have you ever jerked

a friend off no you never touched a friend's dick once not even I've like flicked it as a joke a naked one

yeah let's do auto eroditory I've like been in the shower like on your way out of the shower like bam and you flick someone

and you run and then you kind of take their towel with you so they can't chase you. Just kidding. Gotcha. This is a funny joke, right? How old were you when you sucked your first dick? I was 16 in a Nissan Pathfinder. What?

I was 16 in a Nissan Pathfinder. Because we had a straight guy on when how old's he was first he sucked his friend's dick at five oh I did that too I'm around there so then that's the answer you idiot but that wasn't I wasn't really a blowjob I just put in my mouth okay that's weird that was like maybe not five that's how you knew you were gay no I just instinctually put a cock in my mouth in second grade Joey Chen's just like a hot girl yeah like so they give blowjobs a cock in my mouth. I put a cock in my mouth in second grade. Joey Chen's just like a hot girl. So they give blowjobs.

I just put it in my mouth. Show them the picture of you in drag. I don't have it on my phone, do I? That gif is burned in my brain. I didn't make it. How old were you when you did that? I was like under 20. Because that's a shock.

You were not under 20 then. It was under 30 though. Probably like 28. Because I don't think I could reach not under 20 then. No, it was under 30, though. Probably like 28. Because I don't think I could reach right now. Did you sit on a bag of peas? No, I was looking at a picture of peas. Were you building it up for a couple days? No, that used to happen a lot.

Jesus. Like right now? No, not now. Not nowadays. Now that I'm a menopause. I give you T-shots. He gave me a testosterone shot the other day. That's crazy to be able to just give yourself a facial.

Well, stick with me, kid. I'll show you the ropes. I'll show you the ropes. That's fucking great. Now, Trish... Look at Elliot. She's still... Beside herself.

He's Elliot. Now, Trish. I love Out and About I think it's gonna be The biggest gay podcast In the world What is the biggest Gay podcast in the world

Is there like a There aren't really Too many to be I haven't really Started I haven't really Studied the competition Podcasting is straight

Podcasting is straight You guys can be The Columbus of it For real That's why I think You have a chance To be like The call her daddy

Of gays That's what we're going for We're finally like Speaking my language I'm hoping Mama needs a shore house You guys are really Our only competition

In this space Yeah You said that On the gayest podcast You said you came To our live show Which by the way We need to do

A drop boat Tickets for Can we do the glory Can we work the glory Holes at the Wilbur Oh we should have A glory hole

on our part on our show oh good deal yeah one of the ones where it's just your ass poking out we had the

people we had a thing to take pictures with the faces cut out people just thought you were supposed to put your face there you were supposed

to put your dick there it was a little too big now I'll be working overtime but the you tweeted or you I figured you tweeted on Instagram

you did something that it's gayer than your podcast, which I take as a badge of honor, but also disagree. I was like, I remember I was sitting there and I was like, what the fuck is this? I didn't know a live show was that gay. I didn't think so either. There's a part where I'd suck your dick, but the, like,

that part was like, also, by the way, you didn't reciprocate that, which we'll get to. The handjob? We can talk about that off air when I was like yeah I sucked the poison out of your dick and you were like

I did say I was sucking it out of your dick I don't know you were reluctant I didn't say it with as much gusto as you did I think you wanted to suck my dick I think you're hoping

that there's a rattlesnake in our next live show I got us a new pet for the studio I'd have Kevin pinned against the wall he's like you have to make it feel good you have to make it feel good. You'll have to make it feel good.

There's a blue fucking frog from a rainforest he brings in. Look at this guy. Would you suck your friend's pussy if you needed to save her life? Yeah, I would do anything just for a story, actually. Oh, yeah. Now that I'm working in this industry, it's all about the story. So there's split-second decisions like, should industry it's all about the story so things are there's split second decisions

like should I do this like the other day at the airport I shit in the pet relief area just for the story shut the fuck up it was like a dog it was where you dump the bags

it's where you dump the bags I was about to shit my pants so I'm running down the thing I was like I'm not gonna make a nice thought and I said I split the decision I can go down

or shit in the pet relief area how funny would that be but there's a toilet or no? It wasn't a toilet. But it wasn't on the grass either. So it was like, there's a grass. So when you pick the shit up with the dog like this, there is like a toilet, but there's not a seat.

It's like a sink toilet type thing. So you just like put it down there and flush the thing. So Joey blew out. So I squatted. I like squatted on top of it and I shit in the pet relief area. You just shit on the grass? No, there was like a toilet. Is this at JFK?

No, this is at Newark Airport. Okay. Imagine he shits on the grass and then picks it up like a dog. It was kind of like

a low sink. That's what I'm picturing. It was like a bidet kind of. It was like a bidet thing where you throw the shit after you're done. I'm assuming nobody else was there.

No, I shut the door. I was like, imagine I come out. Oh, there's a door? It was a door. Yeah, no, there was a door. I thought you were in the middle of a goddamn door. There's a German shepherd.

A handicap of your worst fear is that there's going to be a guy in a wheelchair waiting for the fucking big shitter. I was like, when I leave, there's going to be three German shepherds like, ma'am. What the fuck? And the schnauzer like, miss, now. What's taking so long? But things like that, like you make a split decision and most times

it's going to be bad so like would I suck a pussy I would do pretty much anything well I feel like it's easier to go straight when you're gay

than go gay when you're straight is that a fact yeah I think it's funny I would totally do it is that an ignorant statement no it's not I get it

you know like when you make out with girls like you know I make out with girls all the time like have you made out with a girl before yeah

you don't consider yourself a lesbian. I'm not bisexual. You can't have a girlfriend. I'm just doing being goofy and fun. Right. So if a guy does it, if a guy does it with a guy, a straight guy, it's going to be like – I think a gay guy. Gay guys and girls, same thing.

Correct. Yeah. So if a straight guy doing a straight guy, it's like that's automatically like such a big deal. A boner. Yeah. And like, oh, I must be bisexual or whatever. It's like I'm not bisexual. I just like –

Just trying to kiss Rose. Exactly. I give john a kiss today that's what i say all the time i'm not game just trying to be funny that should be the tagline of your podcast this is my pet peeve when the poppers thing doesn't come off that's why you use that's what he's got his guido chili to do it i'm setting it up for you why do you carry them how much are you getting fucked You're walking around with poppers. Should we do Am I the Asshole? Oh, shit, yeah. We gotta do the podcast.

We'll do like a couple, just a quick couple. So you're gonna do Am I the Asshole with us. Am I the Asshole today is brought to you by Nectar. With a bed. No. Nectar. Nectar. With a bed. No. Nectar sunglasses are high quality sunglasses that look sharp. And the best part is they have a lifetime warranty.

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Yeah. I like that. Nectar to wreck her. Nectar to wreck her. I'm sure they're gonna love that yeah they they were trying to rhyme everything today and that didn't rhyme i just used the same oh shit let's call right to the chase 40 off this holiday season 40 off the holiday uh the sunglasses this season when you use code barstool you get 40 off and free shipping. Lifetime warranty for your shades.

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Am I the asshole for telling my aunt, whatever you guys say, am I the asshole for telling my aunt to flash those tits for a family group photo. Okay, uh, background first. I am what you call fat. Working on it, there's still a long way to go. I've always been large, and I've always had what you call a baby

face. It's something I've been bullied for growing up by Jackie. It's a sensitive topic in general. My aunt is an individual who likes to get who likes to get her way. If she doesn't, she will push until it goes her way. She also is the kind of person who likes to joke at others' expense, but never her own. If someone would joke about her, she would be sulky or tell them off.

I'm not fond of her due to her being a target of many jokes over the years, mainly for being big. Now to the event itself. We were celebrating my grandmother's birthday this weekend. All of my cousins, uncles, aunts, their spouses were there. My aunt was hosting. Everyone except my sister last week just had a baby. She had an infection with a virus and COVID.

She was still at the hospital and could not attend, which is a shame because my nephew, it was her first grandchild. Okay, whatever. Let's get to the point. Let's get these tits. So it was decided that we would send her. Okay, that's what I get. So there's a person that's not there.

They decided they would send her a copy of the yearly family photo. Right. She comes out. My aunt said that she planned something. She comes out with a big toddler cap and a pacifier saying that she should wear it, use the pacifier as a fun way to gesture my sister. My aunt just replied, yes, you will. You're going to wear it.

It will be fun. When I said no a second time, she said, don't be difficult. Just put it on. And I don't know what I was thinking, but I said, okay, I'll do it if you go topless and pretend to breastfeed me. Everyone went quiet. My aunt's eyes went wide and she just said, excuse me, in a very offended tone. I doubled down and followed up with a, come on, flash those tits. And all hell broke loose. My cousins are giggling. My mother and aunt stood there choking with their mouths open.

My aunt's husband shouted, what the fuck did you just say to my wife? Get the fuck out of my house. I took the car keys and left. I accidentally left my parents with a $60 cab bill, yada, yada, yada. I'm one of the assholes for saying flash those tits. That's a lot to take in. That's a lot to take in. I'll tell you what the weirdest thing is. This idea of

one of you is going to dress up like a toddler and take a picture as an adult. Yeah, that's weird. That's some weird baby play that I'm not into. I think that he said the original one. He realized. He read the room and said, this isn't good. He doubled down and said flash those tits. I appreciate the double downs.

Oh, yeah. Like, he's the asshole for doing, like, if you say something like, you go topless and the whole room gasps and then you go, show those tits! You're being an asshole, but it's funny. So I condone it. You have to finish the job. Yeah, that's like the lethal injection didn't take, so they had to behead him. Right.

And it's like, it's cruel and unusual punishment to let this linger. I'm going to fucking burn this place to the ground. Yeah, but there's no backing down from that now. You can only build up and go absolutely crazy and then fucking leave. There wasn't like, I was only kidding. I'm serious. There's no backing down after you say an offended, and the husband's like, what did you say to my wife? Then it's like, oh, fuck.

That dude's the biggest asshole in the world. Yeah. That dude's the biggest asshole in the world. You heard me twice, motherfucker. What'd you say to my wife? Then it's like, oh, fuck. That dude's the biggest asshole in the world. That dude's the biggest asshole in the world. What did you say to my wife? My wife? What did I say to the adult woman? This is what I said. She can speak for herself, bro. What did you say to my wife?

I'll fucking take y'all back and fuck you. How about that, bro? He sounded like kind of a bitch, too. Didn't he first describe her as being like, she's like a know-it-all? Good. Flash of tits. Well, she was forcing him to dress up, and he doesn't even like to be topless Well

Why does he dress like a baby? Because he's fat? Why don't you be a fat baby? Why don't you show your tits? If I'm going to be a fat baby I'm going to show you your fat fucking tits Let me see your aunt tits No aunts have ever had nice tits

My aunt has huge tits Nice ones or big messy ones? They're huge. And my nephew loves to lay when Aunt Kath comes over because she's got the biggest tits in the world. He just sleeps immediately. How old is he? He's like seven months. I thought he was going to be like 32.

Who were we talking about the small nipples with? I have tiny ones. Was that Tommy and Chris? Yeah. Like when do nipples get big? Mine never did. Those are pretty small, but like,

are you, do you shave? Are you hairless? I shaved my nips. Yeah. No, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, That's a happy trail No it's He needs to use it You have What do you have You have a whole fucking Your whole body is hairy

I can't control where my hair grows You have body hair Like a fucking Redneck Like the kid who hit puberty First in seventh grade And was like Oh you guys don't have happy trails

You are You have That's perverted Are your body hair Shaming me You're a pervert I'm a pervert I have hair like a pedophile

Is what I have You're not that bad Bro you're a fucking pervert The stomach is Put that away I'm a pervert I'm gonna leave it out I have hair like a pedophile. It's not that bad. The stomach is misshapen. Now I'm going to leave it out. Now I'm going to stick it up. Pat the pervert. Pat the pervert. Don't let that stick.

That is great. So what do I have to do? Shave my whole body then? That's the only solution? Yeah, because that's gross. Or let it be. You might as well. That's letting it be.

That's the body hair version of like a fuck. Dude, I shave it all down like once every like four months, and I let it come back until it's long as fuck. You have a fucking rat stash on your belly button, bro. No wonder no one on your basketball team wants to fuck you. You're disgusting. You know what? You got to let me know what I'm coming into, Nick.

Abiturl is like disgusting to like the strays. Yeah. That's the thing. Yeah. See, I feel like that's like not, I mean, joking. Oh, I love it. It's a rat tail. Well, I mean, that's disgusting.

It's disgusting. But like, I feel like it's not that crazy. Well, we know Zach has a happy trail. Zach, let's see that happy trail. It's like, what are you talking about? We know he's defending himself. All right. this one, I just, I remember

I favorited this last week. This is a big one. This is a big one. This is not even Am I the Asshole? This comes from Reddit Chips where they just talk about crazy fucked up relationships.

Oh, look. I slept with my girlfriend's mom two years ago. I can't tell her because I know she'll dump me and it'll probably end her parents' marriage.

Oh, my God. Two years ago, I was 19. I met this woman while I was working as a personal trainer. She was in her 40s and she looked 25. She took an interest in me, invited me out a number of times and we had sex a few times. After our meet up she said it was wrong for someone of her age to be

with me because I was too young and she changed gyms. My girlfriend and I have been together under just a year. She's amazing. I love her so much. Two months ago I met her family for the first time and I was in shock. She took me to the house where I had hooked up with a woman and I felt like I was being pranked. Before I see her mom, it hits me.

I have a type and they both fit that type so it makes sense. I've been hooking up with a single mom and now I had hooked up with her single mom and now with her daughter. Then her mom and dad pop out and we almost both shit ourselves. I meet her parents. They've been together 20 years. I realize I have been a married

woman's boy toy. I felt incredibly ashamed. Later that week, her mom finds my number and tells me that I can never speak of what happened. She says that my girlfriend will hate me forever because I'm the one who broke up her parents. Now I'm stuck keeping this secret. She invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her family and since her family's a thousand miles away and I already told her

I don't plan on going home since my family's a thousand miles away, I don't have an excuse not to go. So now I have to go there and sit at a table and enjoy Thanksgiving with a woman I had an affair with, her husband and her daughter, who I'm now in love with. I'm fucked. Barbara, pass the mashed potatoes. But this is easy. Like, this is light work. You just push that one down.

Never bring it up. Bring it up. That is honestly, it's flat out selfish if you bring this up. Yeah, that's easy. You are truly going to ruin your own relationship. You're going to ruin that marriage. You're going to ruin the daughter and parents' relationships. You are going to nuke that family if you bring this up.

It's so easy to not bring it up either. It really is. These people want to say, it's eating at me. It's like, so what? You fucked a woman a few years ago. You didn't know the situation. And now that's that. You know, that's that. I mean, like, sitting at the table.

Oh, yeah. Like, sitting at the table. Being an adult. Everyone just fucking, like, just have fun and laugh. Just ask. That's it. Just put on a show for ten minutes. We're just here to fuck around.

Yeah. That's all you gotta do. But also, it's gonna happen again. It's gonna happen again. She's gonna have too many Pinot Grigios and see him in the, you know, in the hallway and be like, Richard. Well, it depends on how they fuck, right? Like, if it was good.

Like, if he's like man I've been thinking about that sex for the last two years yeah it's even harder to do something bad they're gonna be

tempted to do it I wanna be bad make me feel so good I'm shaving my entire body when I get home

I do have I have white trash body hair yeah so I gotta really just let it go how's it big I not told you this yet? So it's really.

Here's what, at least with girls, I guess in the straight world, you either, it's okay to not have hair and it's okay to have hair, but you can't like shave. Yeah. So then what do I do? If you're naturally hairless, all good. If you have hair, good. I think you should trim. But if you're going to shave and then let it grow.

But I do trim. You trim too much. You need to wax, bro. You need to get rid of that shit. Should I wax my pussy? Because you don't grow anywhere else? No, I mean, it's just like here. That's it. Just get nude so we can see. I'm sorry?

Ma'am? Last voicemails today. We're going to do some video voicemails. You get them ready, I'll tell you about Sezzle Sezzle We can skip it Oh yeah okay Well no I'll do it

Cause we gotta get it ready anyway Oh we look on the TV You have video voicemails? No fuck it Yeah we have video voicemails How do we set that up? Talk to Playboy Marty It's only for top tier

Playboy Marty doesn't even know How to turn the camera on He's not gonna do this It's so funny That Playboy Marty Is your producer We are so Because of you know Like you just had Needed a producer Or he going to do this. It's so funny that Play Away Marty is your producer. Was that just because you just needed a producer or he wanted to do it? He begged to do it.

I'm talking basketball and now we're doing this. I literally just looked around the room. I was like, you, have any interest? He was like, okay. Start at the bat, I'd suck a stick. Okay, we got an OG. Who is this? Gray quilted hoodie, like the original one from back in 2015.

So that means he's of age. Yeah, this is of age and he is like a old school fan okay what's up guys long time listener first time video voicemailer i don't know if there's a term for that but i've got a question for you me and my buddies are at the bar tonight we're breaking it down if you could combine two movies into one kind of plot together, what would it be? My example would be The Boy in Striped Pajamas and Shawshank Redemption. The Kid in Striped Pajamas escapes the Holocaust through the rock tunnels only to find that Hitler is in those tunnels as well, just about to kill himself at the end of World War II. Spoiler alert.

Hitler shoots the kid in the head and then shoots himself in the head, Shawshank style. End of the movie. The Boy in Striped Pajamas and Shawshank Redemption. So what two movies are you combined bro what that's tough

to think about what two movies to combine I also have no idea what those movies are I get it no I know Shawshank I've seen parts of the other one

he did a good job explaining it is that when they get raped with their face in the bag of beans I think that's Oz that's yeah I'm sorry

I don't know That was a trailer That I was watching here Pardon What two movies Would you combine See dude Mine kind of sucks

Because like Like it's just happening I was going to say Like Fast and Furious Or Jurassic Park Like I don't know Well you know

My brain went to Jurassic Park too Because I think it's just like What's the most ridiculous thing It's like dinosaurs Yeah Like The I would do some just like, what's the most ridiculous thing? It's like dinosaurs. I would do some rom-com shit too.

Because of the answer to the internet question, I would combine Jumanji and Jurassic Park. Would you rather live in Jurassic Park or live in Jumanji? Let's fucking mash them together and then the world is fucked. I would I don't know, maybe like Saw Saw with Saw and Brokeback Mountain. Saw and Brokeback Mountain. fucked i would i don't know maybe like saw saw and broke back mountain saw and backdoor sluts nine

no son saw and broke back are there any maybe saw and broke back and they have to like as they're escaping they have to like instead of just escape they have like douche like gay like gay riddles to like get out of it yeah so it's like when she puts her hand like in the rid like douche like gay riddles to like get out of it. So it's like when she puts her hand like in the thing. Gay riddles? What's a gay riddle? There's a key to get

out of this room but it's in his scrotum. You have to eat his balls to fucking get the key out. You have to fist his ass to get the key out to get the thing. What's a gay riddle?

Give me a gay riddle. Who's in my mouth? What's a gay riddle? That's a great question but not one that's easy answer on the spot so we'll have to leave we'll we'll tweet about it we'll tweet us i'm trying to think i got failure to launch no i'm thinking like casino and something funny like an old school like classic gangster movie with something like funny No, I'm done with Italians. You hate Italians? I'm done with Italians.

I don't like Italians, but I'm just saying the movie. It's just we've done Italians to death. I hate Italians. They're disgusting people. I mean, we can all agree on that. They are pigs. They are disgusting. They're pig people.

They're sweating. They're Jews without money. It's a nightmare. They pride themselves on doing crime. It's a nightmare. They pride themselves on doing crime. That's your entire thing. I'm an organized criminal. Not even a fun kind of criminal.

They're hairy. And guess what? You lost. Rudy Giuliani kicked your fucking ass. There's no more mob. There's no more mafia. You lose. To be fair, I'm also done with Boston.

Yeah. When it comes to movies, I'm done with Boston. I saw The Town was on last night, so I switched to it for like five minutes, and I just laughed out loud. How ridiculous. It's never going to be me, you, and Shine. I actually did Affleck last night, too. I did Argo, which I very much enjoy. Argo's good.

Argo's really good. I feel like a good base movie for this question is Back to the Future, where you could have him travel into another movie. He shows up in another movie. You need one weird movie and one normal movie. I guess this has with the Holocaust. Oh, I know what I would do. I would do old school and Wedding Crashers.

And Vince Vaughn is one guy. Oh, they're both in the same universe? Yeah. It's just like Vince Vaughn was hanging out like either Wedding Crashers comes first or second. Would that be too much funny though? Because I was thinking about combining two movies like that too. Yeah, but remember when Trent went viral

for that idea that Step Brothers is the sequel to Elf. Something like that where you have one character connecting and it's like, I would do Vince Vaughn would be Cheese and he would be Jeremy? Yeah,

he leaves his family because he's like, he sees how much fun the old school world is. Right. And then he's like, fuck it, I'm going full time with this. Yes. And then he becomes a fucking moderator and then fucks everyone at Lenny's. With Mitch's brother. Isn't that the other Wilson?

Right? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Write this blog. That's going to go fucking viral. That will go viral. That's a good one.

Trent's going to blog that again. Just cuck him. Because it's Christmas time. Yeah. Marty's got to see how they take notes. Look at that. Incredible. Fashion mouth.

Below your pussy. Oh, this is a woman we can skip Hey KFC Nick Jackie Fights The whole gang I have An am I the asshole for you And

This occurred to me When I was listening to Jacked Up, week, like, eight, maybe. Jackie had some great ideas on how to protect. No. Oh, is this your friend? No, absolutely not. That's not how this works.

This occurred to me when I was listening to Jacked Up, week, like, eight, maybe. Jackie had some great ideas on how to protect the quarterback how to um get the ball without tackling um and it just got me thinking when I was in seventh grade on the girls basketball team take out your chips a big game a big game. It was tied up. Fourth quarter, maybe 30 seconds left. And the coach called the timeout, got us all in the huddle, and said, look, if your girl gets the ball, you foul her. Don't think.

Just foul that girl. We need to get her on the line, get the rebound. We need to make some points. Perfect. Cool. Foul. Easy. They throw the ball in. Went to my girl.

It's my time to shine. I run and I kicked her in the shin as hard as I could. As hard as I could. And I I killed that. First off, got the foul. You're welcome.

Second off, I got a technical foul. And then it ended up with me somehow getting kicked out of the game. So, Joey, what do you think about this situation? But my coach was yelling at me. This is something I'm very passionate about. After I did what she wanted me to do. She wanted me to foul. I fouled.

But I didn't know that when you intentionally foul, you run up and you hug somebody. I never learned that. Is there a question here? When do people learn that? We didn't run that play in practice. So am I the asshole for kicking some girl in her shins to get a foul? She's venting in her car on lunch break.

Or is the coach the asshole for not making sure? White women must be stopped. What sport is she playing? Let me know. This is basketball. Ladies basketball. Yes, no kicking. You're not supposed to kick people.

It's different than men's basketball. And the lady pissed her off so she kicked her in the shin? Yeah. And then hugged her? No. You're supposed to hug her. She had to foul her

to get him to stop the clock at the end. You're supposed to just go like, ah, I fouled you so she kicked her in the shin. No, she was a kid. She's not an asshole. I think she's an asshole just because she's in her car

talking on her phone. I got kicked out of a hockey game once because I kicked someone too as a kid. I was younger. And the grundle? No, I kicked him in the stomach. What? With your skate? Did you get winded?

Jesus Christ, John. Yeah, it was – You got kicked out of the game? I got kicked out of the game, yeah. Yeah, that's ejection worthy. But it was – so here's what it was. It was probably my first year I could hit, which is why I was probably, I don't know, nine or something like that.

And I hit the kid. And I hit him hard. And he got the wind knocked out of him kind of deal. That's the worst. And he grabbed onto my foot. And he was holding it so I couldn't skate away. So basically. He went to cuddle.

And I was trying to shake it. And to shake it loose. And then once I got it loose I was like I got a little window here Where I can still do An extra shake That's the most hockey player Shit in the world

Just a little On your layout You used to do it in baseball too You'd step on people's feet On purpose If I ground it out I'd be so angry I'd take it out on the first baseball

I'd step on his foot In my cleats Did you ever play sports? I played tonsil hockey In middle school Ever anything? No I did play I did play soccer And I have a famous story, and this is not a joke.

And I used to, my friends, my sisters would always come to the game and practice with them, and I always wanted to hang out with the girls and gossip. They would go into the woods and stuff, so I would try, they'd put me in the outfield, because, you know, so I couldn't touch the ball. And then they would put me, like, out, and so I would sneak away into the woods, and I'd disappear and, like, hang out with my friends in the woods. And then, one time during a big game i was like playing getting the i was like you know what fuck it i'm bored so i grabbed the ball was next to me so i started kicking it

and i was like oh my god and i was like it was so easy and i started going right to the goal and i was like i'm running running running and i i kick it and i slam it to the goal and i made a goal for the other team sport on your own goal yeah i didn't know where it was i was just happy no one's trying to get the ball from me I've done that goal Did the goalie just like I don't remember But yeah It was a big

A big loss for everyone Including my personal I've done that though In basketball as a kid You shoot on the wrong hoop Yeah It's not that fucking I've never done that

Because I'm not a fucking idiot Yeah You just try and kill people With your skates How old were you when that happened 25 Psychotic I said like nine

Seven I don't know Well he has colostomy back now And he can't He has to shit out of it All of John You know John's been sexually abused

Several times So that's why he takes out All of his anger and issues On like you know Innocent children Oh I had a question for you guys We're doing plastic surgery show

Next Tuesday Do you want to come in And get some Botox and filler? No Can we do a consultation on you and pick out your problem areas? Areas of concern. Sure. I'll do that. That's the whole thing. We just want to draw on people's faces.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to do anything too major, but if you can get rid of these bags, you know. We'll see. We'll get the trach shave. I'm having my double chin melted off. Whoa, hang on. No, don't start promising M-Sculpt. I'm having my double chin melted off. Whoa, hang on. I was going to say.

No, don't start promising emsculpt. He gave a quick no. I thought you were doing like bow ties. No, we're doing it all. He said we're doing it all. We can get you a jawline. We're having sex changes in the office. He'll get you a jawline.

Okay, we'll talk about jawline. Yeah, not in one sitting. You have filler here, and then they have emsculpt. She's coming in with a machine that will literally freeze the fat off your body. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm in on this. Those are fugazi. I'm in on this. Nah, well, I'll check it out. I'll check it out. Just bring in the butt blaster will literally freeze the fat off your body. Yeah, I'm in on this. Those are fugazi. I'm in on this. Nah, I'll check it out.

I'll check it out. The spring in the butt blaster 2000, it'll electrocute your ass. It's like doing 30,000 crunches in a half hour. It fucking hurts though. Oh, is that when you, like, I see Kim Kardashian has a thing. Yeah, I have it too. Yeah, I did it too. I'm doing it to my stomach and my ass.

Not all in one day, but you know. 30,000 crunches in what? In a half hour. They say you can experience severe bruising. I bet. And tenderness for up to two weeks. It's like you just lay down and it's like, yeah. It's like Home Alone for 30 minutes. That was a gooning face and it was fucking funny.

Freeze the thumbnail? I already marked it. We have one more? Or should we just go to the interview? Are they top? Oh, it's chocolate. So quickly, let me fill you in. We have one more? Or should we just go to the interview? Are they top? Oh. So, quickly, let me fill you in. This is Skyler.

Skyler, Zach took one look at him and was like, I don't want to fuck this guy. Then we had him come to our live show. He has a girlfriend, but he... He still got fucked by Zach? What? So, Zach still wants to fuck him, and I think Skyler might be getting more and more interested as time goes on.

So let's go. Yeah, I want to smell his grunt. It's like the hair from Brink. What's up, Zach? I mean, fuck. What's up, KFC, Fights, Nick, Jackie, Pavs, Zach? He's flirting. So I got a little bit of a two-parter for you guys today,

and I'm going to cap it all off with a would you rather. So first little tidbit, I just got out of shape in my balls, and I've been having to be a little bit more cautious lately because last time that happened I had a bit of a traumatic experience, and I'm not going to get into all the nasty, gory details, but long story short, there's now a scar on the camera undercarriage of my shaft and so i'm just gonna leave that there um and segue into thanksgiving dinner because why not um my thanksgiving meal was spent dodging questions from my dear old grandparents uh

about my most recent trip to new york and uh the podcast and uh the subject matter of said podcast and what i talked about and i don't know what you guys would have done but uh i just did not have the heart to tell them that i got flown out uh because there's a gay guy that works for a podcast that wants to fuck me and i was only on that podcast because i'm suicidal and my therapist told me to kill myself and also i went to a party where a bunch of guys wanted to fuck me and i really liked that i just didn't have the heart to tell my dear sweet old catholic grandmother any of that um but anyways that brought me to a pretty decent would you rather i'd say um would you rather every time you go to shave your undercarriage you You nick yourself pretty bad. Not like, you know, like mangle your shit like Deadpool, but some decent damage.

Or would you rather sit down and show your grandparents, all your friends and family a highlight reel of the most atrocious, embarrassing shit? I'm talking long balls, short balls, pulling out your balls in front of a bird, everything. Physical pain, you nick your sack every time you're trimming your happy trail and all that. Or emotional trauma,

like you have to tell your grandma that you went on a podcast because a guy wanted to fuck you. He's definitely coming out of the closet soon, Skyler does not know yet. He's 19. He constantly talks about how he went to this party where guys wanted to fuck him and stuff.

He's just a little sexually confused right now. So have that awkward Thanksgiving with your grandparents or have that physical trauma. I'm going to say something real quick before we get to that. This is to the listener. We so appreciate the voicemails, the video voicemails. Keep it tight. Instagram. Yeah.

Instagram. You can't post on Instagram? I think there's something about being on camera that people think it's got, like, you're on your phone, you do it quick. Instagram. Yeah. Instagram. You can't post on Instagram? I think there's something about being on camera that people think it's got, like, you're on your phone, you do it quick. Yeah. On camera, you do it longer. I get it. I understand it.

Spotlight's bright, baby. 30 seconds max. If it can't fit in on Instagram... Not even. I'm going to say 30 seconds. You're going 30 seconds? I think you can do a reel. That's fair.

One minute, man. You get a reel. I got it. Yeah. I can keep it to a minute. You can keep it to a minute. It's a good call. So the question is, would I fuck the guy?

On stage? While his grandmother watched? While his grandmother watched? Yeah. Bro, I... Okay, I got a weird thing here, I guess. I kind of like nicking my balls. Why?

I don't know. I just think it's funny. I don't think I've ever did it. With a buzzer? With a buzzer? And you just have, like, this spider bite. With the buzzer? Yeah. Well, it hurts. Yeah, it's funny. I don't think I've ever did it. With the buzzer? And you just have this spider bite. With the buzzer? Yeah.

Yeah, it's fun. No, it doesn't hurt that bad. That's why you gotta go to manscaped.com. Quick little brag. I have a ceramic texture. She's like a superhero. It can be used wet or dry. It doesn't hurt me.

It doesn't hurt me. Well, I would rather show The highlight reel Than get my nuts Why? Just a little fucking Why don't you shave them that much? I was gonna say

Every now and like A couple times Fluid out How often do you think you do that? Shave my balls? Very rarely Like shave them? Maybe with the fucking

I mean with the I don't use Maybe with the solstices Every solstice Every solstice? Every solstice. No. I'm once a quarter. That's like only

a couple times a year. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I thought there were only two, to be honest. Are there more than two? Yeah, summer and winter solstice. Yeah, I'm probably

a solstice guy. So you got like full bush. No, no. I just don't have any hair on my balls. Oh, that's right. You don't grow. Do you have a full bush

in your... He's an inside-out cat. He doesn't have any hair. It's weird. Yeah, just my chest. If you don't grow. Do you have a full bush in your... He's an inside-out cat. He doesn't have any hair. It's weird. Really? Just my chest. If you don't manscape, you must be a fucking wild forest. I don't touch anything.

I don't touch anything. How big is your bush? It's not big at all. I'm thinning everywhere. That's a lie. I'm thinning everywhere. Now Nana's turning gray. Look at that beard.

Yeah. You little flinched beard. I have to dye it. I'm scared. It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I know I'm nervous. I get nervous around celebrities. How do you manscape? I don't ever. I'm scared. It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I know I'm nervous. I get nervous around celebrities.

No, I don't ever manscape. Nothing. What about your asshole? Nothing. He's into like hairy shit. I haven't had sex still since last night. I know. That's crazy.

2014. 2014. He tries to fuck me every podcast. He won't do it. Why won't you have sex with him? If that right now is like, what the fuck, would you fuck him? It's not trauma. It's just, it's like not worth it.

That's too long. Something's going on though. There's something going on. It's just not worth it. That's not true. It's more trouble than it's worth. Six years of no sex is not. It's more trouble than it's worth.

It's too much anxiety. You don't have like a buddy or a friend that's just like, let's just do it? Not one. I don't even have a friend that I like, I almost want to fuck him.

I send nudes to. Yeah, could someone bang me out, please? Yeah, you're telling me right now there's not somebody, like a cute guy

who's sliding your DMs? No, no one slides my DMs ever. You have such sexual DMs, you could get raped. I do's not somebody, like a cute guy, who's sliding your DMs? No, no one slides my DMs ever. You have such sexual DMs, you could get laid. I do not! No, he's lying that, oh, I don't know if anyone would do it. You get laid, you just don't want to because there's some block happening that you don't want. You need to unlock that and fuck.

Hold on to it so it's not read my message. But yeah, if Skylar, if that guy was like, let's fuck, you would? No, not him. He wants a big burly man. He took me to the gym bar in Chelsea. He was like, we's fuck, you would? No, not him. He wants a big burly man. He took me to the gym bar in Chelsea. We went to go get a drink at Rebar. It's some gay bar. And he's like, let's go somewhere where there's real men.

And we walked into gym bar and I was like, whoa. Everyone there had 100 pounds on me. It was a bear den. You need a bear den to fuck. You don't need a Skylar. I don't need anything. I need more pills to go to sleep for 16 hours. Let's go to a better help Go to bed

Boys It was a Ladies I love coming here I love coming here And hanging out with you guys You're the best Out and about

Out and about is the podcast Whatever you guys like Please come on And we'll see you on Tuesday For our facials When does this come out? Not facials I mean they are facials

No they're not facials They're facial surgeries When does this come out? This will be out tomorrow Tomorrow? Can I plug something? Yeah Guys

If you know me I'm a fan of cooking I'm having a live Cooking ceremony Cooking class I do Me and my father We're doing our holiday recipes It's on loopedlive.com

If you've been to my class Before you know it Say it slower Say it was it It's called loopedlive.com Loopedlive.com This Saturday I'll be doing my holiday special

Me and my father Will be cooking our family favorites Where we drink Sipping Kiki And I just you know Embarrass my father will be cooking our family favorites where we drink, sipping Kiki, and I just embarrass my father in front of me. Love it. And yeah, tickets are $10. You can even do meet and greets to me and Poppy.

You're going to like what you see. Go over to Loopslive.com and book your tickets now. Out and About is a podcast. We're trying to get Joey a full-time offer. So if you enjoy his work on this show or on Out and About or in general, tweet at Erica and the powers that be. Or just dig up old tweets of other employees. Yeah.

That's me. If you like Joey, get another person fired. Get fired so I can hop on. But not us. Not me and Kevin. If you like Joey, tweet out the support because we want to get him on board here. Thank you. Sezzle is presenting our interview today. It's with Heather McMahon.

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at checkout, you can get that financing and pay it off over the next six weeks for those four payments. So check out Sezzle and let's talk to Heather McMahon on KC Radio. Guys, I gotta just be honest. This fucking office is a mess. Like, do we have a housekeeper here? What the fuck's going on?

No, I gotta be honest. I know it is. Yeah, this is just be honest. This fucking office is a mess. Like, do we have a housekeeper here? What the fuck's going on? It's terrible. No. Yeah, like, we... Yeah, no, I gotta be honest. I know it is. Yeah, it's a fucking disaster. Yeah, this is a shit show. This is actually much better.

Like, if you came last week, two weeks ago, you would probably have, like, turned around and walked out. It was a disaster. I mean, I almost, like, broke my neck on, like, a Coors Light can in the hallway. I'm just saying. We need to clean it up. I brought my kids here for the first time, and this back hallway... To be fair, that's where, like, the freight elevator is, just saying we need to clean it up. I brought my kids here for the first time and this back hallway, to be fair, that's where like the freight

elevator is. So it's supposed to be messy. But they were like, what is this? And I was like, it's garbage. My daughter goes, what is this? What's that smell? And I was like, it's rotting garbage. It's rotting garbage at work. It's an office of creatives. We need to have nonsense around in order to have our

synapses firing and shit like that. I fully hear you. If we had a clean office, I would sit here and do math. We'd have no jobs. Yeah. We'd be fired. Or you can do what I'm doing right now. I got put on a steroid because I was losing my voice.

And I swear to God, I'm speedballing so hard right now. Yeah. I've never done meth, but if this is like a touch of what it's like, sign a bitch up. As someone who's done meth. Yeah. It's pretty much like it. Yeah. I'm a little tweaky right now.

Oh. Or just any other. Most drugs are meth. Oh, okay. Anytime you've dabbled, you get a little sprinkle of meth in there. If you've done a drug that wasn't weed, you've done some meth. Yeah, that's a problem now. That's why I don't dabble anymore.

Because everyone's got on the damn fentanyl and shit. Is that why you stopped? Yeah, that's why I stopped. The threat of meth and death? Yes, yes, exactly. It's not just like the natural progression of maturity and adulthood. Absolutely not. It was like I might lose my teeth.

It was death and vanity. That's what it was. That should be like your next tour. Death and vanity tour. Truly. We were actually talking about that the other day. We were like, man, we haven't done ecstasy in a long time. And my buddy was like, I want to do pressed ecstasy. What the fuck is

pressed? Like a pill. Not Molly, not shit like a fucking pill. We were like, this is mostly meth. I thought you meant almost like a pressed juice. Like some fancy shit where it's like, this is a gold pressed ecstasy. You've been in LA for a minute, huh? I have. I thought you meant a green juice with some

lemon and cayenne. Truly. Chito had a bit about it. Andrew Santino in his latest hour was like, I grew up, because he was talking about the vaccine, I don't know what's in it. I don't want to put anything in my body that I don't know what's in it. He's like, I did fucking ecstasy every weekend for three years.

And I'm not talking about that pure shit. We were putting like, you know, fucking bleach in our body. That's how I feel. I literally, when I was on tour right before the pandemic, I was doing a show in Portland and like you're doing multiple shows in a row and people like bring you gifts for the show,

which is like a perk of the job, right? I love free shit. But literally this woman who was blocked out out of her mind was like, hey, I have a B12 shot in my purse,

pulled it out, loose syringe. I was so tired. I pulled down my pants. Just let her do it. Yeah. And when my husband found out and then when my producer

Chris found out, she's a wild bitch. He was like, what the fuck are you doing? Did you ask for like a nurse thing or What? Yeah, and when my husband found out, and then when my producer Chris found out, he was like, what the fuck are you doing? Did you ask for like a nurse thing or anything? Yeah. No credentials. I was like, I'm tired. Sure, I'll take it. And turned out it was B12.

Thank God. It's also B12. How much energy do you get from B12? It'll give you a little zip. Not much when I'm on right now. Yeah, if you can legally buy it, it can't get you up that much. It was a real character moment where I had to look in the mirror the next day and be like, that could have been anything. It could have been black tar heroin.

I didn't know. This woman was hammered, just pulled it out of her purse. I was like, eh, sure. But also, I'm kind of with you. I've done random birth drugs. Never intravenously. Yeah, I'm embarrassed by that. At the same time, like 999 times out of 1,000, you're probably good. Yeah, I'm embarrassed by that. At the same time, you're probably, like,

999 times out of 1,000, you're probably good. A fan shows up and says, I got B12. You have to be a pretty fucking crazy lunatic to be like, ha ha, it's actually fucking... It's actually poison. Have you ever met a white woman, though? That's the problem. You know, I know my audience, and there are days where I'm like, one of these bitches is gonna

kill me one day. Do you get worried about that? Well, no, I... Well, I wasn these bitches is going to kill me one day. Do you get worried about that? Well, no. Not necessarily until they murder you. Well, it wasn't until about 30 seconds ago. But the audience of white women is one that I think is very good. Like, you're going to make a lot of money, and they will rally around you. But also, like, some shit goes wrong, they'll turn on you, and they'll fucking hate a bitch. Well, you know, I'm so self-deprecating that I don't get a lot of haters because really, truly, it's like, listen, the joke's on.

I already hate myself. Yeah, I already hate myself. Deep trauma. Yeah, but there are days where I'll get really cool gifts after the show but it's like something whittled. They'll find your address, you know what I mean? Yeah, like a whittled. Like a whittled little ornament that they have

they sell in their Etsy store. But there are days where I'm like, you found my address. You have my number. You know what I mean? Your fans all live on farms? I've never heard of something whittled in my life. You've never had a homemade ornament? Maybe whittled wasn't the right word.

Maybe like hot glued, a scrapbook. Take your light in fucking overalls. There's no other word I could use other than whittle. They're not doing it in overalls. They're doing it in Spanx, but regardless. Yeah. No, they're just very creative. Like, they'll find you.

You know what I mean? They'll always find what hotel you're at. It's like, people ask me, like, do you get creepy dudes? What word to describe it? Creative. Yeah, very creative. These people are illegally stalking you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's fine because they're like, girl, I knew one of your sorority sisters but I'm like, you're in my hotel room bathroom right now and this is fucking weird. How did you get here?

Now put a fucking needle in my ass. I built the monsters so it's on me. Yeah, yeah. I can't complain. Yo, shout out to our girl Brittany though.

I know. You did it. I mean. I feel like you deserve like 29% credit I'll give you 33% I think it's like Brittany The girls who do like that Brittany podcast Yeah I appreciate that

You should get a Pulitzer or like a Nobel or something like that Nobel I think Pulitzer is if you wrote a book Or something I know people who got Pulitzer for pictures Not personally but I've heard of them You can get a Pulitzer for anything heard of them really yeah you can get appeals for anything but I don't think

you should get it anyway because I don't think she should be out of her conservatorship this bitch this motherfucker is one of these guys now listen

this is a raw conversation it's very controversial but you know how I feel because we talked about it last time yes here's the deal I'm glad she has her money

like if I was working as hard as I am now and somebody was taking my money I'd be pissed fuck em but there are days where I do think we can have an open,

honest conversation that a little bit of the behavior on Instagram is a little still unhinged. A little bit much. A little bit much. Now, I am,

if I was like friends with Brittany or making the argument and then she posted it, I'd be like, girl, are you fucking kidding me? We're so close. We're so close

to the finish line. Do you have to pretend you're dead right now on Instagram? Right, right, right. Put your clothes to the finish line. Do you have to pretend you're dead right now on Instagram? Right, right, right. Put your clothes on. Stop with the nipples. Stop pretending you're dead.

That was two weeks ago when she posted like she was tied up with a bloody mouth. And it was like a Halloween thing. We're so goddamn close. Yeah, we're so close. I agree. But listen, if she wants to go to Party City and buy fake blood and run around in Sophie shorts, live, laugh, love. Sophie shorts might be the most concerning.

It's not even about her. It's more like, I think I should be in a conservatorship. We all should be. And I think I'm a little more... He was just in a conservatorship. He just got control of his own money from his mom recently.

Yeah, my mom just gave it to me. She just gave you the password to the Chase account? Or what the fuck? It was in like a... And it's also, it's not like a fund. It's just my money that I earned.

Yeah, is this a humble brag that you have a trust fund? Like, what the fuck are you doing here? No, it's not that a fund. It's just my money that I earned. Yeah, is this a humble brag that you have a dress fund? Like, what the fuck are you doing here? No, it's not that at all. He's a child. Yeah. And it was put into a local savings account. Savings, what was it?

Do you have like a bond or some shit? Oh, I have heavily invested in a bond. Okay, great, great, great. So you're fucked. You do know that, right? No, because I also have an apartment in Noonan, Atlanta. He has two investments. Okay.

An apartment in a complex outside the suburbs of Atlanta. Noonan Town. And he just recently bought- Yeah, I live in Atlanta. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know Noonan. What do you think of Noonan? Noonan, is that what it is?

I mean, shout out to Noonan. It's an up-and-coming place. 45 minutes from the airport. It is. Actually, Noonan's up-and-coming. I will tell you. No, it is. It is and coming you heard it here first yeah like like a couple months ago uh i think a tornado came through atlanta it sure did sure did like it was like they said like they said something like you know tornado like in the in the suburbs like 45 minutes

outside of atlanta and everyone was like oh no now no. Oh, shit. Now, what did you buy? Just up an apartment or like a complex? No, I invested in an apartment complex. I love it. I got an apartment complex in like Wichita, Kansas. Hell yeah.

So listen, we're fucking doing it. Yeah, but it sounds like you own an apartment complex. I do own the complex. Sounds like you have like an investment in some sort of timeshare

or something. No, I have an investment in an apartment complex. I can show you pictures of it. Do you have an apartment? Do you own like Unit 3? I can show you pictures of it. Do you have an apartment? Do you own like unit three? No, no, no, no. Do you have that?

Do you own like a thing? We invested in the complex. How many do we own, honey? My husband's saying. What? I don't. You own 330 apartments? Units?

Guys, it's like a big conglomerate. I just want you all to know I'm Elon Musk, so that's where we're at. That's where I'm at financially, okay? No, Noonan's up and coming. I'm very excited for you, and if you want me, I'll go down

and I'll do some free marketing for you. Hell yeah. Yeah, I'll be a landlord. I don't, like, bitch us some time off soon from the tour, whatever you want. I got you. I got you.

Don't let him brand your financial freedom parade. Yeah, I mean, as soon as I got you. Don't let him bring on your financial freedom parade. Yeah. I mean, as soon as I got a place there, Atlanta Braves won the World Series. Like, things are on the up and up. Things are on the up and up. There you go. And you know what? We didn't realize we needed you.

But now that you're there, look at us. You are humming, babe. Yeah. There you go. You are humming. Oh, me? Yeah, you. I mean, we're doing movies.

We're doing tours. We're doing, we're freeing celebrities. We're doing podcasts. Yeah. You got it all, we're doing movies. We're doing tours. We're freeing celebrities. We're doing podcasts. Yeah. You got it all. We're doing a lot. She's tired, hence why she's on high-dose steroids right now. Yeah, no, I mean, it's crazy.

I'm just so grateful, and the tour is insane, and we got three shows in New York, and then I go to Boston, and it's nonstop. Yeah, it's great. When did you start touring? I started touring right before the pandemic. Yeah, so fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sick of these of these people yeah i'm sick of everybody why in the world because we have been doing this podcast forever yeah and we were doing live shows well we should have capitalized more we did like live shows here and there yeah but we were podcasting and doing

live shows so long ago and now everyone's got a podcast and doing live tours. And there's only so many fucking tickets that people can buy. And you're already rich from other shit. So fuck you. I am rich from poor podcasters alone. From my apartment in Kansas. Yes, I am. That is a fact.

Okay, but here's the deal. Your show, though, live is a podcast. Yeah. Okay, my show's not a podcast. My show's a stand-up tour. So shut the fuck up. I've been working at this for 12 goddamn years. That is true.

Stand-up tour is totally different. You're right. I'm more mad at the live podcast. It's like, listen, we are the ones who are not good enough to do stand-up, who do a mediocre podcast on stage. That's our bag. Figure out your own hustle. I will admit, though, when I've been invited to do podcast shows, I'm like, this is the

fucking gig. You sit on a couch You talk to a couple people In the audience And you get the check And you get drunk I'm like doing stretches Vocal warm ups

Like I'm like trying to Like be a performer The only thing I'll say On the other side of it Is We still want to put on Like a good show And there's no guarantee

That's really going to happen Because we just go out there And wing it Whereas like as a stand up You got to earn it and create it. So, like, it's not easy. But once you have your routine, I'd imagine it's like you know when you're going to get a big laugh. And you know every step of the way.

Where we go out there sometimes and I'm like, I don't know. I hope that segment where we talk about, like, that fucking girl who peed on that guy's head is good. Did you see that, by the way? Can I be honest with you? I saw that at dinner last night. What the fuck? Yeah. And I know people are into kinks, but that kind of public display of like, I don't give

a fuck anymore is concerning. That's your issue with it, is the public aspect of it? Because I saw it and I was like, I might have a kink. Well, okay. Okay. My thing is- I mean, no one saw that. Which side?

Which side? Either. Either, yeah. Probably the Triple H. Fucking, you got to just spray it. Yeah, he was special. off. Which stuff? Either. Probably the Triple H. The guy just spraying it. Listen, you could pee maybe on my leg, the nether region, but I don't want it near my face.

I don't fucking want that. I guess the hydration's important. What your hydration level is at? I'm always fucking thirsty, but not for pee. If you're like a 50-year-old man in a football game level hydration... You're talking about having hydrated so when you let it fly Right?

I don't want I don't want a pee smell You want a light urine Yeah Clear light urine Like a cut yellow gator Like you drank half of it Then you fill that with water

That's about where I tap out If you're pissing fucking I don't know Asparagus pizza Or even just like an orange juice Something like that I can't have that Like a Sunday morning piss

No If you take a B12 And you end up with that neon urine And you're like And you always forget You're like Oh man What the fuck's happening

Am I dying That was one of the more It takes a lot to shock me on the internet now and i was like whoa because it was just so much which means she took the stage like really having to go yeah she must have been like okay we're at the part we're like we're at the part of the show i mean i've been on stage before and i've been like might have just shit myself like for like a second you're like i don't know. I'm literally delivering a joke and I'm like, something might have happened. I haven't felt well for a couple days. But the thought of just pulling your pants down

and just, you know. She was like, she almost shit. She did fart. You didn't hear it in the microphone, but she did fart. Did you see their response? People were very upset.

They were like... I didn't see her response. The band tweeted out like, shout out to Daytona, you guys really brought up... This happened in Daytona! Fuckin' Florida. And they were like, things got a little carried away. That wasn't something we

expected, and nor will it be something that happens at our shows going forward. But, like, thanks for rocking out. And it was like, you absolutely, it was premeditated as fuck. I was like, I'm the winner. I got on stage, and he laid there, and she did it. That was not like a spur of the moment thing. And on top of that, her wife is like the head Peloton instructor.

That's right. She's like a really high up, and I'm sure she is not happy. Listen, the kind of kinky shit that I'm sure that the Peloton instructors get, like I think I'm worried about my fans some days. Imagine being a Peloton instructor. People are fucking grinding on a bike, watching you.

You're hot. Yeah, tits are out. I mean, I've gotten off on the Peloton bike a couple times myself. Shout out to, what is it? couple times myself. Shout out to Alex. Alex. Shout out to Alex. Toussaint. Toussaint, I love you. You know, you're on the thing, so I get it.

You know what I mean? They probably are dealing with that, so I'm sure she's got a kinky wife. What would you do if he went viral for I guess getting pissed off like that? There would be a murder. The household name was tarnished because he went viral for peeing or getting peed on. But not in a cheating way, like in this concert way.

Okay, if we were at like, I don't know, it could be as juicy as like a Creed concert. And Jeff was like, I want to get peed on. We would no longer be together, okay? And I would be stalking a Peloton instructor myself. No, absolutely not. Can I be honest with you? Here I am thinking you were one of those cool wives. Yeah, those cool wives.

That Scott Stapp is on my husband. Imagine that. You would write the creed. I don't care if it's Scott Stapp. I actually found out what a cuckold was from you guys. Oh, yeah? Still not okay about it it just

it threw me off okay I'm in comedy we talk about all the things on stage but I don't know why when he had to really like break it down explain it

I was like this is fucked up and listen I you know I'm a bitch who likes to get dicked down but I really live a pretty vanilla life

apparently I don't want him having sex with anybody else I don't want to have sex with anybody else it's so awesome how that's become kind of like a weird thing on the internet. Yeah, like you monogamous bitch.

You monogamous prude. God forbid you're in a loving stable relationship and you respect the person. Just to clarify, I do like sex but just with the person I'm in love with. I have seen two different places though. I just recently learned the term for it.

Yeah. So now they're trying to, this group of society is trying to really, like, make this, they're pushing this agenda. Always. Because it's called compersion. Excuse me? Compersion.

C-O-M-P-E-R-S-I-O-N is, like, if you feel compersion, that means you're turned on by watching your other, your significant other fuck somebody. So they're now trying to put, like, a fancy label like if you run around saying like i like i want to watch my wife get fucked by some guy with a big dick you're like you're a weirdo if you're like i feel compersion for my significant other people are gonna take you seriously okay you just want to watch it just means like you get off by feeling you watching your other be in like a passionate situation or some shit.

Okay. I've never even had a threesome. I know. Shock. But here's my deal. As a woman, I don't want to have a threesome with two men. I don't want one dick. Too much dick.

Too much dick. There's too much dick. You don't want one dick? I'll have one dick, but I don't want another dick coming out of my face. There's too much dick. And I feel like with another woman, just I kind of want to just smell her and maybe ask her what her workout routine is

you know what I mean I'm like why don't you have Epsom on the back of your legs you know I don't know you want to just have

coffee with the lady yeah I want to have a coffee with the lady and talk about serums yeah yeah you could have been talking about Britney

or something like that yeah exactly like daily gossip hanging out yeah well you know it could be a thing. It could. God, I just know.

Very specific time, kind of threesome. Yeah, I just know every guy right now watching is like, oh, damn. Like, fuck. New threesome. Take that out of my spank bank. I've been doing press all day long. I was like, listen, I'm going into Barstool. Just like made me look, you know, kind of fuckable.

Okay? Yo, I say this all the time. We're on camera so fucking much and we don't ever do any hair or makeup. I don't either for my shit. It's just fuckable. You know, it's like when you're doing the promos for stuff. You got to like, please brush your hair today. I've started washing my face.

You said serum and my brain went off. I use a protein serum now. What does that mean? Protein serum? Okay, well, fuck. Yeah, what does that mean? I said I just started brain went off? Yeah. I use a protein serum now. What does that mean? A protein serum? Okay, well, fuck. Yeah, what does that mean? I said I just started. I don't know.

I know it. Well, he literally just started. Okay. No, no, no, no. He just started cleaning his face, like, period. And look at all the pimples on my face. Look at all the pimples on your face. He hasn't washed his face in, like, 15 years.

Like, ever? Yes, like, ever. What do you do in the shower? Is that just considered like a loose rinse? Bar stop. Bar stop stops here. You're a fucking psychopath.

He doesn't wash his hair either, which I know sometimes you wash it every other day or whatever. He washes it every other month and he doesn't wash his face. How do you not have lice? I don't know.

Skateys or something. Don't get jets. Don't get jets. Same way I don't have gonorrhea. No one's ever told me I do. You're looking at two carriers of HPV right here. Ladies, watch out. Oh, I for sure.

Yeah, for sure. Do we all have HPV? I feel like that's like a given. I was right on the edge of like HPV. We discovered HPV like right after I quit college. Not God. Isn't that? That's also just such a like, that's another thing.

Like compersion. They just started calling it HPV. It's like, doesn't this mean you all have herpes? No, no. No, no. It's a different thing. It's a different thing. Oh, I thought that was have herpes i genuinely have hpv that's not a joke like i probably have herpes uh no i have hpv diagnosed yeah like yeah no that diagnosis i've been to a doctor in 10 years but if i went to a doctor and got tested for hpv they'd be be like, for sure, this guy. It would come back

like negative, positive, and for sure. Dude, dogs can get it. My dog got it. Oh, I for sure have it. Everybody's got it. Yeah, my dog got it. Canine papillomavirus

from getting a little too frisky at the dog park. Swear to God. Yeah. That's where I got it too. That's where we're at. John's got CPV also. Yeah, yeah. Even with canine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the HPV, if we're at Yeah John's got CPV also Yeah Even with K-9

Yeah No The HP If we're being honest About HPV HPV is like That's the fucking First world problems

Of STDs Yeah Like oh HPV Who gives a shit Well it's Well you turn into Ovarian cancer In women

Yeah it can be Very fucked up Yes actually That's why I came here Is for the PSA Ladies get your pap smear, get checked. Like all series is. But no.

For the men, this side of the table. But this is what's fucked up about it. You guys carry it and then you give it, but you don't know you have it. You can't really check. So yet again, yet again, you fucked up our lives. Yeah. HPV and babies. We carry them.

We don't even know. But you guys can deal with the fucking problems. I hate it here. No, but really. No, for real, I'm leaving. For real, go fuck yourselves. This place is a dump. It's a wrap.

Oh, God. It's got to suck to be a chick. Yeah, it does. But, okay, all right. If I gave you the magic, if I gave you like a genie, magic wish, whatever, you could just, boom, be a guy tomorrow. Would you do it? Fuck no. I'll tell you why.

So then shut the fuck up. Go fuck yourself. Well, because I'm on testosterone. Well, okay, not testosterone. I'm on steroids. But I will say I froze my eggs in March. Wow. I know the room's like, what?

And they put me on testosterone because you've got to balance out the estrogen and testosterone. I, for like two weeks, felt what it was like to be a man. I was fucking roid raging. I turned into a monster. I was horny all the time. I would call my husband from like a Chipotle parking lot, just crying on the phone, listening to Post Malone. He's like, are you good?

I'm like, I'm a postmaster. It is. I've heard. I went nuts. There was, who was it? Fuck. It was somebody who was on a show that they were transitioning. And they were like, I feel like I owe an apology to all men because I didn't know this is what it felt like from the same.

I'm not there yet. I don't need to apologize. But when you realize like what we're dealing with, it's like, yeah, it's an uncontrollable level of horniness and irresponsibility. And we start getting it when we're like 13. We don't know what the fuck we're doing. I hear you then. Like I was just in like Trader Joe's just kind of like rubbing myself against the wine

rack. You know what's going on yeah there is we had a conversation a long time ago where it was like there is so much uh in the world of like look except whoever you are on the inside and like just regular men were psychopaths so we're accepting whoever else is on the inside except the fact that inside of me i I was punching my tile shower this morning, screaming in rage. Why? What were you upset about? Water was cold.

It wouldn't get hot. I was punching the wall. You fucking son of a bitch! And then guess what? Guess what? Worked. Water got warm? Yes.

I'm exactly what I was. It's unbelievable. I've been in there just punching things worse. I'd like for you to take down your rage right now to a dull roar because I still am a lady. God damn. Again, this place sucks.

You are a bitch. I'm kidding. I love it. Honestly, though, I'm a pretty broad bitch. I feel like we could fight. I could wrestle you. I could fuck you up.

When was the last time you were in a fight? When was the last time? Like a physical fight? Yeah. Oh, not for years. I'm not a big fighter, though. When was the last time you punched a bitch fight? When was the last time? Like a physical fight? Yeah. Oh, not for years. I'm not a big fighter, though. When was the last time you punched a bitch in the face?

I've never punched a bitch in the face. So what do you do in a fight? I'm 5'10", and I got broad shoulders. They would die, and I'm not trying to go to jail. You know what I mean? I've cat scratched my sister once or twice, but no, I'm not a really physical. I'm not going to fight you.

What the fuck am I going to do that for? So I fuck up my face, and then I got to deal with the lawsuit? This is a question I've been asking recently. What would it take for you to fight? You've been asking women. How many fights have you been in? It started with me because a homeless guy punched me in the back. Oh, fuck.

But I just kept walking, because what am I going to fucking do? And I was like, okay, what if he punched me in the face? And same thing. I was like, I'm probably just going to keep walking, because I'm going to either get stuck with a needle or I'm going to jail or whatever. So what would it take for you to be like, okay, I have to fight this person? If anybody ever touched my dog or my future child. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about to you? To me? Would your life have to be in danger? Yeah, I mean, I could get scrappy. Again, we've talked about how my fans are kind of crazy. Let's not give them ideas. She's weak. She's got blind spots.

Like, don't set me up. There's a chink in the armor. We know exactly how to hit her. Yeah, exactly. No, I mean, if I had to, but I'm also like a very chill person and then once I rage,

I rage. Like, when I snap, like it's a dull roar and then it's all of a sudden everyone's going to die. So don't get me there. I have inanimate rage. Inanimate object rage.

I get mad at things, not people. Like a remote control you can't find or something. Yeah, the dishwasher door won't close. Your flashlight. Yeah, my flashlight's not working, and I smash it. Those things work for you. The shower. Yeah, sure, the shower. Yeah, sure, the shower. Like the other day, I was vacuuming,

and I was trying to pull the cord out from like a distance, and it wouldn't pull out because I was just at the wrong angle. So basically, I just needed to walk like over two feet, and then it would have come out perfectly fine. Yeah, or you get a cordless. Instead, I just kept pulling, knowing it wasn't going to work, but I was like, I'm not going to fucking bend to this, and I just went crazy over a fucking vacuum cord.

Okay, and that's the first sign of HPV. So there you go. Yeah, get the cordless. Just get a cordless and you're good. You know, one thing is crazy. I'm excited to be in a vacuum. Yeah, I get kids.

Could you bring your tools to this fucking place? For God's sakes, I walked off the elevator. I was like, okay, we're all going to get tetanus today. What the fuck? It's not that bad, right? This place sucks. Yeah, you thought this was bad? Yeah.

Our old studio specifically was described as inside of a lit cigarette. Oh, fuck. And then it was called a white person's trap house. There you go. I like that. You know, it's, what's the, this has got to be like the worst place you do press? Where? Here?

Yeah. In this office right now? Yeah, this is the worst place. I will say. Yeah, I'm leaving very sweaty and my asshole's been clenched the whole time. It's hot here, right? No, it's great. I'm going to fight everybody out there. No, it is very hot.

They smoke you out. They are cold out there. They are? Yes. And so I complain and I turn down the AC and then they complain to important people. I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. You're smoking a bitch out. Yeah, I hear you. What's your ideal temperature?

I would say a good 68. I got to go 66, but I can deal with 68. But anybody who hits that 7? No, if you're going 71 and up, you're – Go live in Florida with the retirement home. You can't function in a regular society if you can't go into the 60s. I feel you. But what's your coat game in the winter?

Are you one of those guys that goes on two hoodies? I don't need a puff coat. I do coats. I like coats. You like coats. I am a billion jackets. I love fall. You don't bathe or wash your face, but he's got jackets.

I love jackets to me. They're like my favorite piece of clothing, but I got fall and spring jackets which don't exist anymore. Fall was like 35 seconds long. We're already into the 30s in the morning right now. It was 43 today. It's already the winter. It's a touch of global warming. I hate to tell you

but the earth is on fire. That's what's going to get me to care about the environment. I don't care if the polar bears are dead. I just can't wear my jacket from theory. The temperature's never right for it. Now we gotta go get Leo and that little bitch from Norway.

I hear you. Well that little bitch from Norway. And you hate it best. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you, I hear you. Yeah. Well, that's the thing, too. It's like, I've got, when you freeze your eggs, you have a baby on ice somewhere, right? So I have, like, a baby on ice, and I think to myself, I'm like,

this kid could be fucking defrosting, and I don't even realize it. She could just be floating down the Mississippi River right now, and I don't even realize it. Like, Greta Thunberg was warning me about this shit. Yeah, she's just in a canoe like Moses or in a basket, you know. I didn't fucking know about this. We had a sponsor for, like, one episode of a sperm freezing donating company.

And they mailed me the kit. Oh, it's, yeah. And usually, like, you know, I don't know. We have, like, a hoodie company or, like, a socks company or something. And all of a sudden, I get a box in the kit. Oh, it's, yeah. And usually like, you know, I don't know, we have like a hoodie company or like a socks company or something. And all of a sudden I get a box in the mail.

I open it up and it's got that hazmat like barbed wire symbol on it. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And it had the cup and all this, you know. I felt like Jurassic Park.

Did you read the instructions at all? Because it's pretty insane. Yeah. When you give a semen sample, you can't, it has to be a dry a semen sample, you can't, it has to be a dry rub, okay, because you can't have like,

lube or anything in there. I can, wait, okay, check, I can do that. Yeah, okay,

you can do that. And then you have, the tip of your penis cannot touch the cup because that'll also be like a weird science petri dish thing. So you gotta basically catch it.

You also just need like a drop, right? No, you need a lot. You need a pretty heavy load. You need a big load? How large of a load? The whole time we came in this episode, we were like,

all right, we're going to get it or say heavy load. Yeah, heavy load. How many cum shots exactly? That's the name of the third tour. Heather McMahon, the heavy load tour. Would they know if it's multi-loads? Probably. If you fired one shot and you're like if it's multi loads like if you like if you fired one shot you're like that's not enough and you have to like wait a little bit come back well here's a fucked up thing i became really close with the nurses because you're going in there every day

they're checking your vitals doing all the shit it's pretty intense and i became friends with the nurses so when my husband had to go drop off his load they were like this is great they're like it's a solid sample i said what do you do you usually get? They said, sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of,

I would, I would hate if they were like, oh, your husband's load is like a little skimpy. Fuck. You know what they said? Some of these older guys who come in with younger wives, they'll spit in the cup and it's not really semen because they don't want to have kids.

Oh, right, right, right. And so that they, and the nurses can't say anything because of HIPAA laws. So they basically just have to be like, we didn't get a sufficient sample for like the six month in a row.

Brilliant. Dudes rock. Dudes are so smart. I hate it here. Why did I say that? I hate these people. That is the best move ever. Hell yeah, dude.

I'm sorry, America. Ladies, I'm sorry. But I thought that was fucked up. I was like, you know, they couldn't have the honest conversation. Hey, I don't want to have the kid. They would just spit in the car. Or what if they had tried to have the honest conversation? Right.

They probably did. And the other person wasn't turned on their key. I'm going to get a fucking kid. They're like, I want a kid. You just said that. You were so exhausted how you said that. It's just some bitch saying, I want a fucking kid. Wow. Wow. You were so exhausted how you said that. It's just some bitch saying, I want a fucking kid.

Wow. Wow. Guys, what do we want to talk? Do we need to hold each other after this? You have kids, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you want to have more kids? Oh, you just saw what he just said, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said, I actually sadly do. I'm a horrible father.

I got one and one. Yeah. Boy and a girl. Great. Pretty good. I just don't want to start the clock again. That's just off. Right.

It's like, I could, you know. Because babies are hard. Yeah. And we're in that space where everyone's like, when are you going to have a kid? When are you going to have a kid? I'm like, listen, I'm in my career right now. Like, I'm working. I'm whaling and dealing.

But that's the thing. I see my friends with young kids and I'm like, this is a fuck, it's a lot. And I don't want to be like a not involved parent. Right. So like, but I also don't want to be an old parent. So if I'm going to do it again, I'd have to do it soon. You know, it's like, that's a lot. And I don't want to be a not-involved parent, but I also don't want to be an old parent, so if I'm going to do it again, I'd have to do it soon. It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing.

It's a whole fucking thing. Or you could just buy an apartment complex in Newnan and just tell your whole family to go fuck themselves. I'll put you in touch with a guy. Yeah. You don't have kids, right? No. He is a kid.

He is my third kid. He can't wash your face. Yeah, he is my third child. I really appreciate you asking me that. Yeah. That was like, I can go home today feeling good about myself. Someone asked me if I procreated. Have you thought there's a chance I might have a child?

Because I'm leaving this place a shell of a human, but I'm glad I built you fuckers up, okay? All right, I'll give you a shout. I love, love hard. Thank you. Came out too early. Don't understand why I came out November 5th. It's like fucking jackets, right?

The winter coats are out in May. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I watched it. I was like, I saw you. That's what you're promoting. And I was like, oh, I wish I got a screen for that. And then I went on Netflix. I was like, oh, it's out.

It's out. It's out. Well, that's because, you know, these motherfuckers want to stretch out Christmas time. Yeah, that's true. Christmas didn't get pumped up. I'm surprised this didn't come out on Halloween, you know? Yeah, and here's my thing. I don't really fuck with Christmas, but I enjoyed making a Christmas movie.

But, you know, I'm over it. What's your beef with Christmas? I'll tell you what, my dad died at Christmas, you fucker. I can laugh about it now, but really and truly. Okay. I'll match you then. Two days before, and I told him in the hospital, I said, if you die on Christmas Eve or Christmas,

I'll pee on your grave, Dad. You better fucking go now. Shit, that sucks. Yeah, the 23rd. It's fine. I mean, we're working through it. My best friend who passed away, he was born on Christmas. So we start every Christmas Eve at his grave.

So same kind of thing. Oh, I don't have any dead people on Christmas, guys. Sorry. Jesus was born on Christmas. Fuck you guys. You don't also have investments in apartment complexes. We got a lot of stuff

going for us that you don't have, kid. Yeah. I need somebody to die and I got to get an investment in like Oklahoma soon. You do. You do.

Yeah. So you, did you just start acting because that's not fair that you're like already, like you're like a prominent role in this movie. Yeah, did I just start acting? Because that's not fair that you're already a prominent role in this movie. Yeah, did I just start acting? That's a great question to ask somebody who's been in the business struggling for years.

So you're new to this. I've been in it for 25 years. That is honestly the best, most humbling thing. We've never seen you before. I just thought, there's so many people in the world I haven't heard of. I'm going to cover my tracks real quick. I didn't know you were on the show, and then I started

following you, and then I... It's fine. Go fuck yourself. It's fine. No, this is one of the first big things I've been in, so it's fine, actually. Yeah, no, I've always been an actor, and, you know know here i am just crushing it one on netflix that's what's up are you one did you beat red notice yeah we did fuck yeah we were number one how so bring that holiday cheer that's what's up did you do any

scenes with jimmy o yang or were you guys like very dick no no i didn't get to do any scenes with him but we got to hang out we were basically like quarantining canada so this is like yeah he's the absolute best he's awesome and then the other guy in the movie darren barnett who's like the total heartthrob he and i used to work at a gym together in la so he showed up on set i was like darren he's like what the fuck are you doing here i'm like we both made it bro he's like you act yeah yeah exactly it's like never seen you anything before um so it's wild and that's the thing now it's like when you're doing comedy, you run into these people that you worked at survival jobs with forever and you're like, oh fuck, okay, somebody finally gave you a chance

too. So it's humbling and exciting. And the people you don't see, they're just like dead. Yeah, and I'm like, yeah. They're literally in the gutter. Like you and Darren are like, hey, have you seen like Rob around? Oh no, he's dead. He's fell off a cliff. He's gone. Got addicted to meth and the rest is dead.

Got HIV and it's a wrap. Took one press pill at an MGMT show. That's great you beat Red Notice, though. We did. I think we did. Red Notice is just the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. Who used Red Notice? The Rock, Ryan Reynolds, and Gal Gadot.

Have you heard of them? Oh, yeah, a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless any of those three want to come on the show as well then it was awesome. It was a great movie. But until The Rock and Ryan Reynolds want to come on the show that movie stunk. I don't know how The Rock does it.

He's like a Mark Wahlberg. Get up at 3am and fucking juice up. I don't get it. I'm fucking tired all the day all the time. I'm on steroids and I could fall asleep right now. I think they're on the bigger steroids. I think they're on the bigger steroids. That's how.

I think they're on the main steroids. The real stuff. I think we all should be on HGH. What's HGH? Human growth hormone. It's natural. It just helps you feel better and grow. Oh, I was on that

when I was freezing my eggs. I was on testosterone, HGH, and progesterone. And I was fucking picking up the end of a Mercedes every day just to like... Jeff's like, you want me to pull it out

of the garage? I'm like, fuck no! I got it! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and why do you want to get it on human growth hormone? I mean, my body... I'm a bag of bones. My body is a disaster and I just need a little, you know, something to... Do you work out? No! Okay, great. Alright. That's why I want it. I want

a pill that does like the workout for me. I'm pretty sure on human growth hormone you still have to- Shut up! Okay, you know what? Again, this is a toxic environment. With your female logic. With your female logic. You got to follow the program, sir.

Fuck. Yeah. God damn. You guys are irrational beasts until you're not, and then you're very logical. I realize Jeff comes on the road with me sometimes, and God bless him, I'll send him a CVS, like, hey, get a couple things for me, right? Like, give me an Afrin nose spray, some allantoids, and some tampons, and he'll come back, and I'm like,

What was the first one? Like, nose spray. Afrin nose spray. Oh, Afrin nose spray. I don't know. I'm just throwing something out there. Allegra. I don't know.

Are they sponsors of the podcast? We're a Purdue family over here. I mean, he'll come back with, like, nothing in it, and I'm just like, men cannot make a game-time decision, okay? I'm going with like nothing in it and I'm just like men cannot make a game time decision okay I'm gonna be honest with you I'm really

you can't juggle if I give you one thing you go to the store and it's not there I disagree it sounds like you get fucking lists with weird shit on it

that's what I think because you guys can't make a decision what the fuck are you talking about we're the only people who make decisions what do you want

to have for dinner tonight Chinese okay you know what? Okay. You can open for me and do 10 minutes of that bullshit. Women don't know what they want to eat. This is a toxic work environment. No, it's not, Jeff.

It's fucking fuck all y'all. It's the truth. No, I say, you know what it is? I want you to take initiative. I want you to go, you know what? She's had a long day at work. She loves the Italian spot. There are three places that you go, no, I don't want that.

I don't want that. I don't want that. Exactly. Because you didn't already make the reservation. So I know we got to wait an hour. Just say, bitch, I booked it. We're going to have steaks. Wear a red dress.

I'm going to dick you down later. Let's fucking go. That's what I want. This is also marriage counseling council I want a man that's bullshit too because it's not it's yes it is because then there's something wrong with the plan that I make and then you what you don't realize is that we make a plan and then there's something wrong with it and you shoot it down and then I tried again and you shoot that one then that's called foreplay and that's what we do. We belittle you at a Red Lobster until you want to kill yourself.

And then we belittle you back up as you're going down on us. That's called a relationship. It's Jason Bourne. You need to break us down so that we're no longer human, and then you create a little Ken doll in the exact way you want. Yeah, so I don't know why you're complaining. Shut the fuck up. I'm having a great time.

If someone did pitch you that where it's like, look's gonna be tough for a little while but at the end of it you'll be grown into like a ken yeah you could probably use a ken yeah yeah if someone came to me and told me like i'm gonna just reform who you are as a person i can use that i got nothing i'm holding on to i'll give it i don't need any of this yeah you can blonk me put me in the... So when you date, do women not try and like spruce you up a little bit or just take a loofah to you? Like not think a pressure washer? They don't...

Like a horse? Yeah. I'll hose you while I hit you with a brush? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is... What do they do for you? I have not been tried to be fixed in too long. He's unfixable.

Obviously. Do you want to be fixed? He's unfixable. Do you want... Are you dating... I don't know. I'm trying to pry. Are you dating anybody? No? He's unfixable. Are you dating? I don't know. I'm trying to pry. Are you dating anybody?

I'm not currently. No, I could use him. I'm a great matchmaker. I could use a fixin'. You could use a fixin'? I could use a fixin'. He's been down in New New York for too long.

I could use a fixin'. I could use a fixin', yeah. But I would reject it. I'm like a dirty dog. I know I need a bath, but I'm going to roll around in it. I'm going to fucking bite you on it. Well, I'm dead ass serious, okay?

When you're ready to maybe take a chance at love, I'm your girl. I'm an amazing matchmaker. I would love this to be like my challenge. I'm going to put this at the top of my vision board. This is a great pitch for the movie. Yeah. I got you. Watch Love Hard on Netflix.

I got you. I'm dead ass serious. If you want to find love. You seem serious. I am. Who are you. I'm dead ass serious. If you want to find love. You seem serious. I am. Who are you going to... You don't need... I'm going to set him up with one of my crazy stalkers.

And then that's how I get him to die. I got this woman named Samantha. She whittles a beautiful ornament. Yeah. And my one request is that you take him out. You set this guy up. One of them is going to kill each other. I don't really care.

Yeah. The earth is rid of one of them. Exactly. Either HPV spreader or a psycho other. I'm really sure. The earth is rid of one of them. Exactly. Either HPV spreader or a psycho killer. Yeah. And my work here is done. Have you signed a fucking form? I'm going to check you up with someone and anything that happens after that, I'm not.

Yeah, I'm not liable for anything. But if you fall in love, I would like to officiate the wedding. I'm just saying, challenge accepted. I'm dead ass serious. If you want to discuss it. Why do you want to matchmake? Because it's fun. I do. I like it. I love love. I'm dead ass serious. If you want to discuss it. Why do you want to match me? Because it's fun. I do. I like it.

I love love. You know what I mean? I like love, but then I don't like it. Have you done it really successfully? Yeah, I have multiple people that I've set up, and I'm doing a couple weddings. Friends, people who listen to my podcast. I'll bring single guys on, interview them. Sometimes you just need a little tweak.

Yeah. And like a- A little tweak. Just a hard scrub down. Maybe a full panel of STDs. I did say I was showering this morning. I beat it up, but I was showering.

I don't need a full scrub down. And you got a trust fund? What is it? Just a bank account that his mom lets him spend. Your mom just handed you the checkbook? Is that it? Pros are owns real estate in Noonan, Atlanta. Right.

Bought a couple bonds. Has access to his own bank account. Yeah. That's it. That's pretty much the problem. That's it. Also, corduroy pants. Yeah.

I'm a big corduroy cake right now. Yeah, that's the first thing we got to fucking burn. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I have six pairs of corduroy pants, tons of corduroy shirts, a couple corduroy hats. I'm a big corduroy guy. Corduroy is not up for discussion. Corduroy is not up for discussion.

You can pee in my mouth, but if you take off this corduroy hat, we're done. If we're talking about intercourse with a woman or corduroy, I choose corduroy. I don't know why you're laughing. That's a dead ass series. Is it a textural thing like you could fuck

corduroy because it's kind of the same texture yeah most shows I just do I go and kind of like wear corduroy pants and just go like this

I finish before we get to voicemails every time oh god that's so sad that's a sad sad existence yeah it is it's fine well you got what cheetahs on your shirt I do a lot of animal print yeah but that's so sad. That's a sad, sad existence. Yeah, it is. It's fine. Well, you got what?

Cheetahs on your shirt? I do a lot of animal print. Yeah, but that's just for me. So what if I told you you got to give up your animal print? I'd probably still suck your dick. Oh, that's sad. I'm sorry, honey. I didn't, you know, I'm just, where am I?

Yeah, no. Yeah, okay. I hear you. But corduroy is a textured thing. This is a print. It's totally different. Totally. Regardless, I'm not going to fight you on your clothes.

What does your apartment look like? Pretty good. He's got a nice apartment. You got a nice spot? Well, it depends on if he was eating ice cream in his sleep the night prior. I have a sleep eating issue. Okay. Is it because you're on pills?

No. No? No. Just natural. Yeah. You just get up like. Just get up. I have a sleep eating issue. Okay, is it because you're on pills? No. No? No, just natural. Yeah. You just get up like Just get up, I'll wake up. There'll just be like drawers open silverware on the floor, the freezer's open, there's an ice cream tub on the ground, and he's like sleeping on the couch. Have you ever recorded this? Do you know?

I record it in the morning. I've invited people to come put up cameras. They're probably scared of what they'd actually see on it afterwards. Yeah, there's a fun little part of the night where I eat ice cream. There's also a lot of it where I'm crying and masturbating. Just a lot of tearful

self-pleasure. There's a fun three minutes. The rest of it's pretty fucking dark. It's a mint chocolate chip rub is what that shit is. Uh-huh. Wow. Can you ever act The rest of it's pretty fucking dark. It's a mint chocolate chip rub is what that shit is. Wow. Wow. Have you ever had ice cream and sex at the same time?

Have you ever had sex with the ice cream? Yeah, the Ben and Jerry's new core. You pull the core out. That's salted caramel? I could fuck that core. Here's the core ice cream? Yeah, you just de-core it. Fucking slide it in so like a

like a ice cold fleshlight is what you're saying new invention by Bart Stillsport you're a fucking dead body we could do

a Heather McMahon fleshlight and it's just like a dead cold pussy how about that why is there gonna be a dead cold pussy

why is there gonna be just a very alive, consensual... Would you do a flashlight? Yeah! If somebody came to you and for some reason everyone was like, yeah, we need a Heather McMahon flashlight, you would mold your pussy and then sell it?

Oh, that's what you have to do. It's got to be mine. I got a great pussy. Let's go. Let's make some money so we can buy more apartments in Wichita. Yeah, sure. At Wichita money. You know what I mean? Like the porn stars that we know, I think I'm pretty much, I'm pretty sure all of them

to a woman, their most lucrative like business stream is royalties on flashlights. That's fantastic. Good for them. Everyone's a pervert. Hell yeah. They really are. Everyone's a pervert. Because really, it's like everyone you meet, it's like, do you want to fuck that pussy?

You could. Here you go. Without her consent. You don't even need her to do it. You can just fuck that fleshlight. But mine would be cheetah print. You can't take that away from me. Cheetah print handle.

A little bit dazzled. You know what I mean? I mean, listen, if I'm going to make a dime off of that, why not? That's not any form of cheating. I'm in a very loving, monogamous relationship. But, I mean, ask my husband. Yeah, would you be cool with everybody fucking their pussy? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That could be the endorsement on the box. It's an A-plus pussy. A-plus. Yeah, yeah, great. All right, let's go. All right. Yeah, God.

Off the fucking rails today. How did we go here? That was crazy. That was like, I turned to the guest husband. I said, do you mind if everybody watched your wife's pussy? Jesus. Yeah. Well, a little stab you in the throat happens.

He's Italian. Buckle up. So the movie's Love Hard. Yeah, the movie's Love Hard. It's a fantastic movie on Netflix now. Come catch me on tour at heatherontour.com, and I'll hook you up. Thank you. I look forward to it.

That's a show in the making. She's going to really hate it. Yeah. She's going to hate it. You know what? I got you. I'm going to mold you. Or what if it's not even a her?

Maybe that's the storyline here. Have you ever been with a man? Not yet. I've never been with a man, no. Don't say it like that. It's very possible. That was already a negative undertone. That was a little bit. No, I've never been with a man, no. Don't say it like that. It's very possible. That was already a negative undertone. That was a little bit.

No, I've never been with a man. Look, I'll be honest. If you want me to fuck the opposite sex, I'm going to have a negative aspect to it. That's fine. I don't know. I don't know. You know what? I'm shutting down.

I'm not doing this anymore. Totally not gay. What was I going to say? I think it would be very hard to set up because I – a lot of people think they're apathetic. I don't fucking care. You'd be like, what kind of girl do you like? I don't know. Like, it's fine. I don't really care.

It doesn't matter. Okay, so that just means you're open and progressive. Spin zone. Yeah. That's why she's good at this. Can I give you all of his bad ass looks? Yeah, I actually need a little rap sheet. Sure, this sounds like a segment I didn't sign up for.

Tell me all the reasons why your relationships don't work. What are your worst aspects? So apathy is now you're open. What are some of your worst aspects that you don't like about yourself? Uh, my face. He has another face. You don't like your face? You have a very handsome face.

What are you talking about? I don't care for it. You actually look a little bit like my ex from college in it. Cause he was a redhead with the beard and it's kind of throwing me off. Yeah. I'm just, I'm not flirting. I'm just letting you know. I'm like, I'm like super blonde, but whatever.

Yeah, but you got a red beard. It's a blonde thing. Yeah, yeah. It's an old bit. I'm done with that bit. It's very red. So you have low self-confidence? No confidence.

No self-confidence. Why? What's that called? You're just being a baby back bitch. Come on. You're a good guy. You've got a great apartment. I'm going to give you a quick makeover, a quick scrub down.

Whoa, hangover. Makeover is unnecessary. Makeover is the one thing We're all set on John's very Let's talk about The traditional term makeover Alright when you say Like you don't care

And I love that I mean do you see The sweatshirt I'm wearing The sweatshirt's unbelievable No I like the sweatshirt I didn't say we had To change the sweatshirt What's a makeover

Let me see the pants I can't see the pants It's regular pants Oh yeah those are nice fitted Look at you You got the socks No you look good That's fitted I thought you were going to have some baggy corduroys that were going to give you a sack.

Oh, I've got those. The corduroys are enormous. Corduroys are always three sizes too big. No, these are seven sizes. These look like... They're intense. They're Noah huge corduroy pants. It looks like there's no more corduroy in the world left

because all of it is on John's legs. They are huge pairs of corduroy pants. They looks like there's no more corduroy in the world left because all of it is on John's legs. They are huge pairs of corduroy pants. They're great. I love them. I actually almost wore them today, but I didn't. We're talking about a lot of external things. I think there's internal work you need to do. Most of it's internal.

Because I think you should be a confident guy. No self-confidence. I mean, how are you? You treat women well? You're a good guy? You seem like it. You know what? For the first time, I'm going to admit it

into the microphone. Absolutely not. I'm a horrible person. Okay, great. So I have to leave immediately because this is bad for my brain. That was a joke!

What's the longest relationship you've been in? Long time. Four years. Okay, all right. But he was scared for like three of them. He was being bullied

into the majority of them. I've been in like a four year. I've been in like a four year. I've been in like a six year. I've been in long term relationships. And so what is the one thing moving forward other than obviously the corduroy? But like real talk, what's the one thing where you're like, this is the one thing I want in a partner? Oh boy.

Yeah. Two loaded. Goddamn. Sorry. Sorry. I hate it here. Do it from fleshlights. Now y'all are like, fuck this bitch.

We're going. Yeah. You don't know? No, I don't know. I don't think I care. I don't from fleshlights. Now y'all are like, fuck this bitch. We're going. Yeah, you don't know? No, I don't know. I don't think I care. I don't think I care. Goddamn. Okay.

Well, I'll find you love. I told you it was going to be hard. I told you. This will be your greatest challenge. This will not be solved in one podcast interview. You know, you can at least say, like, I want to make sure she can read. We can start with basics. Anything.

I can fucking, I don't really care. I'll fucking illiterate. We're looking for an illiterate bitch. I'd prefer, but if you brought me someone like she can't, she's great, but by the way, she can't read. That's a great question. Would you date someone who can't read? Hey, would you date someone who can't fuck?

I absolutely would. You have to introduce like your boyfriend or girlfriend and then like, here's the menu and then you have to be like, there's hamburger. And everyone at the table is like. Bro, I already got this fixed. Oh, your guy said the lobster looks delicious today. And also this, and also this. And you read the whole menu?

No, it's not just to her. And then someone else at the table is like, hey, actually, you know, it looks pretty good. The salmon looks pretty good. Mom, did you think, Mom, you were saying earlier that you wanted the Cobb salad? Yeah. Just hit a few points. Just hitting the highlights, yeah, to i mean just hit a few points hitting the highlights yeah

to guide them in the right direction yeah i think i have dated a guy who couldn't read before like i look back at some of them like this was low hanging fruit and i went to school in mississippi shout out to old miss and 90 of the people who went to old miss couldn't read we couldn't fucking read so um i always say like if comedy doesn't work out, I'm fucked. There is nothing on my resume. There is nowhere I could go to get a job. Yeah, yeah. Would dating a person who can't read, would the worst part be, like, the fact that, like, they can't read or the fact that other people would know that you're dating someone who

can't read? I don't care what other people know about my partner or my spouse. That's because he can read. Yeah. That's a different thing. Yeah. Like, if someone's like, yeah, she's dating him, I can't believe he's not that good looking. It's like, whatever, fuck you. But if everyone's like, yo, that dude can't read

books. It's 2021. Do you know how fucking niche and chic that would be like, guys, I'm dating a man who can't read. Get on my level. I'm progressive as fuck. He's not brainwashed by big journalism. He has his own original thoughts. Exactly.

Who needs an education when you can be a free thinker? Exactly. That would be trending. I love it. That's where I'm at. I love it. Maybe that's what I'm going to look for. If there's any ladies out there, you don't have to read.

You like the touch of corduroy. Corduroy and illiteracy. Yeah. That's the next tour. That's the next tour. Corduroy and illiteracy. Yeah. And that's the next tour. And that's the next tour. The corduroy illiteracy fleshlight tour. Sponsored by Fleshlight. Look under your seats, everyone.

You get a free fleshlight. And it's only women in the audience. And they're like, why? They're like, what is this? They have no idea. And then the three husbands that come to shows are like, I'll take it. The best is when I get a husband who's really into the show. I'm starting to get a lot more

dudes coming to the shows. I feel like we have the opposite. We get a lot of girlfriends who get dragged. You probably have a lot of boyfriends. All the time. And they always have to make it like, I got drug here. I was literally roofied. My wife put me in this chair and they're like, I had a great fucking time. This was a blast. I'm like, yeah, you fucker. Women can be funny.

I know. I feel that too. We get good feedback. Usually they walk away being like, I'm a fan now. But I'm like, were you really expecting that you were going to sit here for like an hour and a half and dread every millisecond of it? Like, give me a gun. I need to kill myself because this comedy show is so bad. It's not that bad.

So what do you all do with your show? Well, we played flip cup with milk Why? So we Part of this show is we have people Submit videos like asking questions And these three girls called in About like a month ago

Being like There's four of us who live in college A college house together And we go through five gallons of milk per week And we think that this is a lot So we called in the milk girls And we were talking about how much milk These bitches are banging out every week And it kind of became a running thing And we think that this is a lot. So we called them the milk girls and we were talking about how much milk these bitches

are banging out every week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it kind of became a running thing and then we had a live show so we invited them and so we had to do something ridiculous with milk on stage. Is it whole milk?

Almond milk? They're drinking whole milk, yeah. That's fucking weird. No, no, they're drinking 2%. 2%, sorry. I don't care. If you are above the age of 18 and you sit down for a meal

with a glass of milk, you're literally a serial killer. I disagree on that. That's fucking disgusting. I mean, it's pure garbage. Wait you're literally a serial killer. That's fucking disgusting. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You wear corduroy and drink milk?

I'm getting the fuck out of here. No match making anymore. Fuck you. You're done. On your own. Who does that? Milk has gotten a bad reputation. Milk is delicious.

Give me a nice plate of spaghetti and meatballs with some milk. You know what? Are you spaghetti and meatballs with milk? I'm more of a B, B, and J meatball guy. Oh, we have B, B, and J and meatballs? Meet me up. Okay. Because B, B, and J and meatballs, I can fuck with.

That's good. I like that. A little sweet and savory. A little sweet and savory. No, milk is so good. Someone invented the sentence. Someone in fucking big almond milk invented the sentence, we're the only mammal or animal that drinks another animal's milk. It's so good. Someone invented the sentence. Someone in fucking big almond milk invented the sentence,

we're the only mammal or animal that drinks another animal's milk. And everyone globbed onto that and stuck to it. Milk is delicious. Milk is good. And there's nothing wrong with drinking other mammals' milk. I'll have like a whole milk cappuccino, but no, I'm not going to sit down. What about cereal? Yeah, cereal.

Well, I'm an almond milk gal. You know what I mean? So why not have the real fucking thing? Real bad for the environment. Terrible for the environment. I don't know why. It grosses me out. Also, you're killing all those almonds.

I also don't fuck with Kraft Singles American cheese, and that's controversial. But my biggest fear in the world is not the world ending, getting murdered by a fan. My biggest fear is Kraft Singles. The cheese in the plastic, it's a smell, it's a texture. If you want to fuck with me me you break into my hotel room you put a bunch of Kraft singles underneath my pillow so as I'm going to lay down at night

if I felt one of those I'd freak the fuck out that's my only weird thing my brother used to hammer those as a snack and this is going to get worse yeah I get it

one time he left like two like fell behind his bed and we found them like two years later no they were fine no no no

they were fine yeah that would be even better if they were totally fine. They were fine. No, no, no. I mean, yeah, that would be even better if they were totally fine. But it was just like imagine if somebody dyed those things black. It was disgusting.

Moldy and black. I actually knew I was going to marry my husband when I sent him. He had slept over for the first time and I sent him to the bodega and I was like,

listen, get me bacon, egg, and cheese. It has to be Swiss or cheddar. You have to like clarify. It cannot be Kraft Singles. But wait, sorry. Yeah. You like American cheese if it's be Kraft Singles. Wait, sorry. You like American cheese if it's not Kraft Singles?

If it's a Boar's Head cheese? If it's Boar's Head, I'll fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he came back with the Swiss cheese. I was like, all right, this is it. We're locked and loaded. You took direction. And a Snapple.

And a Diet Snapple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that your death row meal? Bacon, egg, and cheese, salt and pepper, ketchup. Yeah, hot sauce. You're talking like a New York girl. Well, I used to live here, but she's from Atlanta. Southern Belle, if I need to be.

No, my death meal is probably a crab cake, a wedge salad. I fuck with the wedge. I go to a steakhouse and get all the sides. You feel me? Yeah. Your death row meal is a wedge salad? Just hear me out. Wedge salad.

Make her death as painful as possible. You're telling me you don't like just blue cheese and bacon and a vessel for it? Is this cold, crisp little slice of iceberg? Not for my last meal of all time. What's your last meal? There's more things to it. Okay, keep going. Cacio e pepe, okay? I want probably a filet.

What else do I want? Some sort of potatoes Are gratin You know what I mean Again side Over mashed potatoes Yeah over mashed potatoes Yeah I want the layers I want the cheese

The broil Mashed potatoes Are the pinnacle of potatoes I disagree Well you're an idiot Have you ever had A giant sea breeze Loaded baked potatoes

Yes Not as good as mashed potatoes Well go fuck yourself I like the I will For the Heather McMahon fleshlight. Fleshlight. There you go. You guys, I swear to God, if you make this, and then I don't get a cut, I'm going to tell you.

I don't know how you're going to get the mold in my pussy. If we make this and you don't get a cut, I think we're going to get in a lot more trouble than you being a little upset with us. I don't know how you're getting the mold in my pussy. Tomorrow we're just like, Heather McMahon fleshlight on sale at KSC Radio. I think we got multiple layers of problems. I don't know what the fuck I saw here.

Before we get to Heather's gonna be mad. Sit right here. Wiggle around a little more. We need to get the full mold in there. It's so fucked up. Oh, God.

Yeah, well, here we are. Thanks for having me. This was an utter disaster. Can I get the fuck out of here? You can fucking run now. I was even waiting for you to say that for like 20 minutes. Can I fucking leave?

All right, big thank you to Heather McMahon, who is just, she's awesome. I love her. We miss each other just by a hair last time we were here. We're close friends as well. She's the best though. She is the most energetic, charismatic interview in the fucking world. You just want to hang out with her all the time.

We also got Colm Tyrell on the show now. Very funny Irish comic from New York. Let's finish it off. Yeah, I'll take a little something. Sour Patch? You want Snickers? I'll have one of your Weird American candies That I've never had before

What do you guys eat over there? Snickers and Mars You don't have Mars bars Mars bars Mars bars It's like a Milky Way It's just a Milky Way But it's like

But yeah That's a That's a UK thing right? UK, Ireland Yeah yeah yeah The candy's much better The candy's better over there? I think so yeah

Fuck you Listen here I didn't think we were going to talk about controversial stuff on this show today. But now that you're bringing it up. I don't want to be. You better watch. A bit of clickbait right now. You better watch your fucking mouth. Coming into America saying you got pretty candy.

I don't think so. If there's one thing we do, it's fucking fattening foods and being disgusting scumbags. European chocolate is undeniably better than American chocolate. I think that just has to be. Well, okay. Why? I'll give you an angle there. Why?

Because it tastes good. Yeah, especially if you're calling American chocolate Hershey chocolate. Hershey, yeah. Yeah. What? Get your Hershey's the fuck out of my house. What are you, one of these fucking fancy Ghirardelli bougie boys? Kevin, that's the most white trash thing you ever said.

You thinking Ghirardelli is fucking fancy. Yeah. It's trash. It's Hershey's or bust. That's it. Ghirardelli is some shit you get at the airport because you forgot to get your girlfriend something once she picked you up. What's fancy?

On the way out, you get big... No, I'm thinking Toblerone. Toblerone. I'm thinking Toblerone. Also fucking garbage. Ghirardelli's fancy, bro. What's Ghirardelli's... You're just like Italian fucking...

Nothing Italian's fancy. But the... If there's one thing we can agree on, it's the dirty wops, right? You're just like Italian fucking... Nothing Italian is fancy. But the... If there's one thing we can agree on, it's the dirty wops, right? I mean, fuck that guy. Exactly, yeah, yeah. Come on. They don't know that. But did you guys grow up with Toblerone being this exotic chocolate that they'd bring back from vacation?

Because they sell it at airports. They sell those giant bars. Triacles, right? It's insane. I don't think I've ever actually had it because it's like, I never understood that whole thing at the airport with the duty-free. I mean, I guess I understand the concept, but who out here is like,

alright, we're in the airport, I gotta load up on cologne and liquor and chocolate. What the fuck is that? Back in the day, it used to be worth it. There were people going on vacation just for duty-free. Really? They'd bring an empty suitcase and fill it full of cigarettes and bring them back home. What? So they'd get like six months worth of cigarettes

at the airport for like half the price. Yeah, so it's like, let me go on like a $200 flight. Yeah, this was back when tax-free was like really good. Yeah. Growing up. Shit. It actually kind of seems fun,

like, yo, we're going to hop a flight to like whatever country. Yeah. In Ireland, you could go to Spain for like a hundred bucks. Yeah. You feel like a drug runner almost. See, I... Like you're smuggling, you know?

I grew up in Massachusetts, but I grew up like right on the border of rhode island and i'd shoot tobacco a lot when i was younger up until like three months ago i'm like when i was younger um technically you were younger but i mean but but particularly in high school and shit like that and friends would go across the border state border to get dip because dip was like six bucks in Rhode Island and it was like ten bucks in Massachusetts. And even then I was like, I don't know. I'm not going to do that. Hopping a flight. That seems like a whole thing.

But if you're getting like six months worth and it's all, you know, that probably does add up. Yeah. It would be like you got flying to Florida to spend the weekend there and then come back with fucking six months worth. But I am – I think my laziness outweighs my – Laziness always takes precedence yeah yeah it was never it was never looked upon like it was like a nice thing to do this guy gets it was right but what I mean is rolling the suitcase full of cigs I've done that where I bought the full cartons but then

you go this is like six months worth of cigarettes, but then you just go through them in three months. They're right there. Are you saving money or are you just increasing your habit? I did that when I went to Spain once for like a month and a half and I brought like a month and a half worth of dip and went through it in a week.

Yeah, it's right there. And then just started smoking cigarettes. These are called addictions, boys. This is how it works. I'll just control myself. I'll have a little bit at a time. Yeah, okay. I was chain-smoking cigarettes. Like, in the purest definition of the word,

where it was like lighting your next cigarette with your other cigarette. Absolutely, yeah. I just smoked constantly for five weeks straight. That's Europe, right? I miss smoking so much. When did you get up? I just started. Just picked it up myself.

Fucking good for you. Get in late. Get in late when you're like, nah, I've heard all this shit. Well, you know what I truly appreciate? There's something nice. I respect someone who knows everything about it

and still gets in late. And this era to go with like cigs. We're talking cancer sticks. We're not dueling. We're not vaping. My man is sucking on a cancer stick yeah there's just something

about standing outside somewhere just just being miserable like yeah it's actually it's it's fucking bizarre it took me this long because it's so in my personality wheelhouse

so in your wheelhouse yeah just being like you mother fucker I just stand outside of buildings now and I was like look at this crazy guy I'm just fucking ripping butts ripping darts yeah I had like a meltdown the other now and I was like, look at this crazy guy. I'm just ripping butts.

Ripping darts. I had a meltdown the other day and I was outside and he came out to help me out. I was like, you want a cigarette? I've never really been a smoker. I instantly calmed down. I was like, I fucking get this. Totally understand why they do this. It's working.

Smoking's cool. Smoking is fucking undeniably cool. It's cool just always been I don't understand why though I never I never agreed with that until I started smoking how do you do it you gotta like close you know I think this is like chicks right but then there's also sometimes like you do that I do it I do yeah I mean like yeah but then you know then but I feel like yeah for the most part you got a whole joint yeah you got to hide it you got to be I was like I gotta do it like you're in a hurry yeah you got to get in and plays a bet yeah I know I know exactly the look absolutely

good I had like a thing the other day where I was like I was leaning against the wall and I rested my leg on like a pole and I day where I was like I was leaning against the wall and I had like resting my leg on like a pole and I kind of had like my jacket was like falling off and I was smoking like this and I was just like in my own head I was like goddamn dude you look like a model right now is that like we've seen uh movies where the cool guy and the hot guy and the hero is smoking? Or is that like there's something actually physically about it that it's just badass, just doing what you're not supposed to do? That's it, right?

I'm dying. I'm killing myself. It's just irresponsible. Yeah. You want to know why kids nowadays think it's badass? It's not because of the cancer or something like that. It's because it's now a warning on Netflix. You see that sometimes?

Yeah. Before a show starts, it's like in this show there's fucking violence, nudity, and smoking. And it's like, that's what I want to do. I want to be violent. I want to fucking smoke cigs now. Trifecta of coolness right there. I used to swipe them for my grandma. My grandma used to bootleg Kent cigarettes.

She used to get them off the Indian reservation. I don't know how or where. I was like, how does grandma have a hookup with the Indians? But okay. She's the one who led the Trail of Tears. Grandma was not. No, no. I don't think so.

I don't think. She used to smoke. She'd come back every once a month. You know what time it is. I don't think. She used to smoke. She'd come back every once a month. You know what time it is. Pay up, motherfucker. Smoke them up. Actually, that's how my dad. She hated my dad.

My dad was running around with my mom all the time when they were first dating. She hated him. And then my dad let her smoke in the car whenever he drove around somewhere. Then he was in forever. Let a smoker smoke. They'll love you. But I used to always like swipe cigarettes from her but i was always just like puff on them i wouldn't like inhale because i was like a little bitch yeah but just even physically having them and i find we're doing like the like certain ways you can

blow smoke out of the nose inhale you know the way you do it it's like oh yeah it's cool it's just there's some people can do it really cool the The worst is if they start doing the rings and stuff. Too much. Now you're playing with your food. Go back to vaping. I don't need to see your ring. Blow fat clouds, bro. Whatever.

I just need a steady stream of carcinogens coming out of your fucking face. You ever see Dave Attell? He's just constantly ripping. Just ripping. He never stops. Yeah, he's just like this homeless millionaire. He's one of the funniest people alive ever and every time i see him smoking i'm like i gotta get i gotta fucking start smoking maybe that'll give me some inspiration something yeah yeah yeah uh it's it's also like it's one of those things you you do when you're a kid like i don't know

why i remember we we i had tons of kids in my like school smoking cigs at like an early age that i don't know we were able to just smoke easier than drink i guess i knew a girl she got her tongue pierced and was smoking cigs and would then have to drink fucking like uh mouthwash to like you know what i mean i was like you so your father must fucking hate this yeah got a tongue ring and you're what i mean i was like you so your father must fucking hate this got a tongue ring in your ripping butts but i love you will you marry me that's there's a dream woman right there yeah smoker with her tongue pierced she lies to her father oh man yeah and she's got daddy issues let's go the one that got away, man. I don't know what age it is here.

It was 16 when I grew up. They changed it. I think it was 18. Now I think it's 21. It's 21 now. But it was for us 18? 18, yeah. So that means you could get cigarettes when you were 15 probably.

If it's 18. It's like beer. Yeah, exactly. I smoked cloves for a while. Those are awesome. Cloves? Yeah, they're like black cigarettes kind of that have like a clove-y taste to it. Not a filter like the

fucking plastic on the end, right? No, those are black and mild. Yeah, those are cool. I like those too. Cloves were kind of like almost like hand-rolled cigarettes. I don't even know what was in them. But those, they have like a little taste to them. That was fucking awesome. Did you ever smoke like menthols and shit? Yeah, when I moved here moved here yeah that's real dirtball shit yeah I moved into

an undesirable neighborhood when I was introduced to a mental what undesirable so when I moved here I moved into um Brownsville like so because I didn't have a clue right about New York and next thing you know it's like the people I lived with I was the only white person in the entire neighborhood and they were like did you do random roommates? just random family just a random family

I found on Craigslist was like look we got this room and I showed up and I had nowhere to stay that's when you first came over to America? when I first came over here

I stayed on my friend's couch and she wasn't even my friend she was like a girl I knew kinda and she was like politely said hey if you need somewhere to crash you can crash with me and I was like the day before I arrived I was like yo can I actually do this. And she was like, politely said, hey, if you need somewhere to crash, you can crash with me. And I was like,

the day before I arrived, I was like, yo, can I actually do this? And she's like, I guess, you know. So then she forced me out of the house after like four days. She was like, you can't keep living on my couch. I was like, I can't find a home. So she just kicked you out, like onto the street? Pretty much was just like, listen, you can't be here any longer. But then I

found the place in Brownsville, and it was just a black family, a black family. And, you know, so it was just, it was like something out of a sitcom. I'm fresh off the boat.

I was going to say, this sounds like a movie. Yeah. And then I walked down the street and like cars would slow down and be looking at me because it was like, it's just one of those.

There's one. Yeah. I had to walk. Yeah. I had to walk. I was like double job. I had two jobs at the time. I had to walk like an extra

15 minutes home out of the way because they were just like, don't go down those streets because I was like double jobbed, I had two jobs at the time. I remember I had to walk like an extra 15 minutes home out of the way because they were just like, don't go down those streets because I was like, all right. When was this? This was 2014. Okay, so you came over and how old were you then? I was 24. All right, so what are you now, you're 30?

31. 31. Yeah. So you got your feet underneath you here now, you know what you're doing. But that's when I showed up and that was one of those places where they would, like I got into menthol cigarettes. And they wouldn't serve me in the local bodega. They wouldn't give me the cheap cigarettes.

Because I'd be like, yo, give me the discount under the table ones. And they're like, no way. And I was like, I promise you, you recognize me. I'm the only white guy who comes in every day. So I'd have to bring one of the people I lived with to be like, get me the good ones. So there you go. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. There you go.

It's not all white privilege, all right? Some of us are paying full price on our cigarettes. All right? The untold story. We just don't bring it up. They don't ever tell that about the white man. You just don't bring it up all the time. But yeah, I got the fuck out of there as soon as I got a fork.

And where are you now? I'm in Astoria now. Astoria is a good spot too. A lot of people feel like that's a natural stop along the way. Yeah, it's nice. I was in Woodside for a long time. Woodside is very Irish. Yeah, you should go up to Woodlawn in the Bronx.

That's your people. Oh, I know. Yeah, but that's like the countryside nearly. It's so far and they're very rural Irish hillbillies out there. I'm from Dublin, so I'm more of a city guy. But the guys up in Woodlawn are real farmers. Woodlawn, you get the Irish and the fucking firemen and the ex-rugby players. Exactly.

And that's – Woodlawn's a place where you got to be – it's like you want to go out in Woodlawn, you want to go to the Like, you better fucking put your drinking hat on. Oh, yeah. It's not just like, yeah, let's hit the bar for a couple. Yeah, that's like, Woodlawn is like Ireland. Yeah. Legitimately like Ireland. Are you married?

No, I'm not. No? No. No. Do you want to set me up or something? No. That was a weird question. That was a weird answer.

I don't know what that was about right there. I don't talk too much. All of my Irish friends are married here. But they're all green card married. Oh, got it, got it, got it, got it. Dude, I would never do that. Why? Are you kidding me?

Bro, it's like... This sounds crazy. It's like... Hold on to a green card I would never do that They have like All my buddies They pay like 10 grand

It was like 15 I forget what the numbers are They're just like Yeah just pay 10 grand I'm married She lives in Florida Now we're all set Crazy

And then if you wanted to Actually marry somebody You I don't know You just don't do that I'll tell you this I was dating Well I wasn't dating a girl

But it was a friend of mine And I guess we were kind of hooking up. And she was like, I will marry you for a green card. And I was like, all right, this sounds great. Let's do it. And we organized a date for it. And then she was crazy. People started messaging me going, hey, congratulations on the wedding.

I was like, what? And I turned around to her. I was like, yo, this isn't. She thought it was real? I had to sit her down wedding i was like what i was like and i turned around to her i was like yo this isn't she thought it was real i had to sit her down i was like listen not only are you not marriage material you're not fake marriage material oh my god that's got to be the most disrespectful thing a girl could ever hear not only would i not marry you for love i wouldn't even marry you for citizenship bitch but it's scary by the way to get that's a top of the list like worst dms you can get from somebody is congratulations on your wedding that you didn't even know happened yeah yeah i was getting a few people kept bringing

a look i was like wait what's going on i like how it got to a few you're like one you're like yeah something might happen yeah all right, three people that got married. Yeah, there was gifts showing up at my door. Someone organized a bachelor party. It does sound like a fun day. I've always been like, they have to go, they all take different clothes around the city and take pictures with them. To make it look real.

It's basically the proposal with Ryan Reynolds. It's kind of a sick gig. Having bachelor parties and shit. You get caught doing that? Is that a big jail time problem? I don't think. I've never heard of anyone. That's just a citizenship fraud, whatever. Nowadays, everyone's like poly whatever.

So it's kind of like you can justify any relationship. Yeah, you ever do some... I have heard of the photos thing. It's funny where it's like people grow out a beard. Look, it was six months ago. And then they'll shave. Like, they'll do a mustache. And they'll be like, here we are with our woolly jackets on.

It's so cool. It's clearly December. Like, playing in the sprinklers and shit. He's got an old newspaper in his hand. There we are reading the New York Post in Central Park. Getting tatted up. You're getting inked up. Getting them removed.

Whatever it takes. These photos in black and white absolutely you uh you go back often or you i usually go back at least once a year and the last everybody's still over there family shit yeah yeah uh i've got family in australia oh my brother moved to australia i moved here so my poor mother fucking see the two boys wow your mama suck yeah what was uh it's just a move like a better move for comedy and better for comedy and i just love america too it's like there's just a fucking feeling of like gluttony that i love here it's like unapologetic like i'm gonna fucking take what i want and fuck you loser i just love it i'm just like yeah let's all get fat and fucking yeah rape the environment of their natural stuff

fuck climate change let's just let's just win man i love it i love it america man yeah thanksgiving is great just eat until we get sick and then we throw so much food in the trash even though there's people hungry it's like nice i love it really i am like a big big usa guy you're like you're like the fucking uh take take take the twitter uh was it cloyd floyd whatever floyd rivers or something like that what it was like big twitter it was america twitter the usa usa guy but you know how much work I had to go through to get here? Like, I moved to be here. Everyone else was like, oh, we're American, but you were just,

like, what, you just come out of your mother's fucking pussy? I did. I had to do a lot of work to be here. I feel like I'm more American than people think.

Yeah. I just gifted it. You fought for it. You fought for America. You basically are a veteran. Yeah. My son is going in the army. He likes it or not

Uncle Sam wants you kid get out there I do I do no America sometimes it gets

a bad rap but I love it I love it yeah I mean it's one of those things where it's like you know it's kind of

cliche or corny but it's like okay then leave and nobody does no it's just so fun it's like a party that's too loud and we're like

ah fuck it what's the alternative I get that that's a so fun. It's like a party that's too loud. What's the alternative? I get that. That's a good example. Last night I was walking home. Last night I had the longest fucking day ever. I got up at like 6 a.m. to drive to Boston to go to the Pats game. Took a train home last night.

I got home last night at like 11.30, I think, and I was walking home from Madison Square Garden. Behind me for like three blocks was this loud, drunk group of Rangers fans who were just screaming and chanting because the Rangers wanted to shoot out. And I, in my head, was like, I'm going to kill these fucking guys. I'm so tired.

Just shut the fuck up. But I've been in that party before, man. That is awesome. Being in that group is sick. When does that switch flip where, like, you know, now if I'm at a bar and there's lines or it's crowded or it's too loud or whatever, I'm like, there was a time when I just never even noticed that.

Not even like, oh, wow, this is crowded, but I don't mind. I just never even noticed that I was packed ass to dick or that there was a loud bar. I can still have it. I'm like, whatever, this is fucking it. If I'm a loud bar I can still I still have I was like whatever This is fucking it If I'm in it I'm still having fun in it Yeah but you

But you know Like you accept You You sign up for it Yeah You're like that is Not ideal But let's do it

Whereas it used to just be like Fucking roll right in Head first Like doesn't even Never even thought twice about it Yeah I don't Being too loud Too gross

Too expensive Too whatever you know I haven't stood in line I I think, since I was 19. I was 19 or 20. I remember going, this is fucking crazy. I remember being at, like, a college bar and some kid, like, knocking my drink over. I was like, sorry, man. I was like, no, this sucks.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that, lines to get into certain bars. It's crazy. I mean, certain summer bars out in, like, Long Island and down in Jersey where it's, like, I mean, I waited on a two-hour line to get into the Bordy Barn once. Two hours.

But, we were shit-faced and we were just hanging out and it was kind of like there was a little party outside the bar. I'd be less likely if I was shit-faced.

Because I'd be like, this is fucking dumb. Let's go get a drink. Let's say I had drinks. I've been standing in line at the airport and I'm contemplating just staying where I am.

It's like, I guess I'm just living in Orlando. This is crazy. I'm not going back to New York. To go in to just drink somewhere where it's going to be packed anyway. Are you on the road a lot or what? Yeah, enough. Yeah, yeah.

This year was good. So hopefully next year is going to be pretty busy. But I paid for whatever, you know, skipping the line crap so what what is i mean i feel like i just uh i just kind of like got put on to your comedy and your career but the the way this all started was you were talking about coming on friday night pints yeah which i think you just want to come and just booze i just thought drink our beer drink our shit that's exactly it yeah i'll be fun yeah yeah well i guess i got i'm just drinking the way i always, but I guess I got a little bit of a reputation too for just being a guy who likes to drink on podcasts.

So I was like, there you go. Yeah. There's the podcast to do it on then. Yeah, but I like all your guys' stuff and we got a lot of mutual friends. The garbage guys are my boys. Yeah, yeah.

They just run along. Everyone, Gillis. They are. We're all on the same crew. I saw you've been doing a lot of skanks, right? Yeah, doing a lot of skanks. Those motherfuckers are wild. Yeah, those guys are nuts.

I love the fact that they're the last people who just truly still don't fucking care. Yeah. They say whatever they want, do whatever they want. It's at the point, though, where it's like, what else can they possibly do? It's almost like Jackass, where they're trying to come up with another movie. It's like, I don't know, kicking the balls again? I don't know. Did you go to Skankfest?

Skankfest. How was it? Amazing. Yeah. One of the best fucking weekends I mean we talked to the garbage guys And I've just seen the You know the posts on social media From like everyone else who was there

But it sounds like it's one of the most Like successful comedy things Events ever See yeah Skanks do get a bad Rap or rep or whatever you want to say I never know what it is It's rap right?

Bad rap-utation I definitely say It should be want to say. I never know what it is. It's rap, right? Bad rap-utation? I definitely say it. It should be rap, but I think it's rap. I say rap. You do? You say they got a bad rap? Yeah, you got a bad rap.

I say bad rap. I say rap, too. So we've just been saying it wrong. Yeah, I guess so. But because they, to be very facetious, or they go over the line a lot. But the fans,

but the problem is, everyone in that community, and I'm in that community, we all understand we're going past the line a lot. But the fans and everyone, but the problem is everyone in that community and I'm in that community, we all understand we're going past the line on purpose. On purpose for comedy. Whereas on the outside, if you haven't agreed on that, it's almost like if someone was to get tackled in football, yeah, that makes sense because we've agreed on it.

But if you get tackled on the street, that's illegal. Right. We haven't agreed on it. So that's why people just go, well, you can't just tackle people. Absolutely. No, we've all agreed That we're gonna do some We get similar treatment

With Barstool And it's like I think you're stupid But I guess I don't think you're stupid I understand where you're coming from You're wrong You're incorrect

But I get where you're like What the fuck But if you know us And get where we're coming from Then you should be okay And every comedian Smart comedians know It's like alright

This is my line But just cause that's not your line doesn't mean I'm right. It just means I'm going to stop here. So that's the way it is. But the festival, then, you would imagine it's going to be this sort of an alt-right Nazi fest. Although they look like that. Although they might say that a lot. But it's actually, it's all peace and love and flower power.

And everyone's on acid and stuff. It's just people are just hugging each other. It's a very like Woodstock-y vibe. It really is. Yeah. The first one, the good one, not the later one. Yeah. It's a Woodstock-y vibe for sure.

Yeah. That's the biggest thing that people don't understand. Unless you're there, people are just handing out water to people, looking after people that are getting too drunk. Well, they're smart too. And sometimes I like when our fans... Our shit's usually more on the internet than in real life.

Yeah. And I hate when our fans will sometimes play into the stereotype and act. Like, don't call her a cunt because you're proving their point then, you know? Yeah. And I feel like when Skankfest happens, everybody is almost like aware of like,

let's make sure this goes well so that they don't have any fucking... Yeah, I think they're the real fans too because it's sold out early so they have to get

the tickets early. They're willing to go travel. They know in person they've got to represent the people. Whereas online, it's always just whatever.

It is tough. It's like me, me, me. When I see a war breaks out or like an argument and there's some woman gets involved, I'm like, oh, get out of here. Get out of here. We can't hold them back. Get out of here.

I don't condone anything they're about to say. You've got to get off the internet quick. Seriously. That's the problem, too, though. The internet's not a nice place. It's horrific out there. It's horrific out there. Don't expect them to be like, how are you?

Let's have a you know a civil discourse you know yeah um but yeah that that was uh but i did i did get a kick out of like a lot of the stories on instagram that were being posted was just like the whitest scene i've ever i mean like alt rock band covers everyone's singing like old fucking you know uh like n Nirvana songs and shit. I was like, oh yeah. This is it. This is Skankfest in a nutshell right here. Yeah, it's great. So I imagine the next one, if it's back in Brooklyn again. What made it go to Texas

this time? They just decided to go south. They just said, let's see what we can do down there. Excelled all expectations. That's fucking awesome. They even, they added like an extra room within the complex at the last minute

for extra shows because I think they, I don't know what happened, but there was like just a derelict like building beside it that's not being rented out and they're like,

let's just rent that for the weekend. That sounds perfect. It was great. So the next one in Brooklyn, get your tickets early if it's in Brooklyn, but that's going to be

the big, big craziest one. I'm almost like, I'm almost intimidated about what's going to be the big, big, craziest one. I'm almost like I'm almost intimidated about what's going to happen. When is that? Next year or? All I know is they're planning stuff.

I haven't a clue. I'm assuming it's back in Brooklyn. I don't know. But the last one in Brooklyn was phenomenal too. I don't know if you ever got to go to that one. No, we were talking to the guys

from Marty Garbage though and they were saying how there was someone who was sent from one of the blogs to hate on them and they turned them. They were like this is such a great event i came here to like slander you guys and this is actually a really enjoyable safe fun and it's like well if you know one person gave it a shot and understood no one else will because yeah the internet just

doesn't fucking care but if more people did that kind of shit you know uh you just mentioned you were you were talking about the tim dylan michael che oh yeah on uh real ass podcast yeah i just did the podcast and tim was on tim was on what was he saying ah he just said it you know it's i guess storming a teacup if that's an expression in this country what does that mean just just a blown out of proportion so yeah he seemed pretty calm the whole time. Well, the two of them are just millionaires fighting over nothing. I know, I know. I think Tim recognizes that. Did you see this whole thing? I know, I know.

I saw Che's Instagram post. I saw Tim's response. Che got hurt because Tim said the show was bad. But the show is factually bad. It's not up for discussion. It is a bad show. And I think Michael Che is very funny.

And there's nothing wrong with being a bad show writer. If you're, like, no one gives a fuck. The problem is they're trying to act as if it's this

pinnacle of comedy when it's shit. It's dog shit. It's diarrhea. It's been like that forever. That's fine. Don't make it money, King. I can't even agree with you

that it is because I haven't even considered watching it. That's how out of the loop it is. What inspired this whole thing was the Big Bird skit, mostly over the weekend. And it was like Pete was playing Joe Rogan, and he was giving Big Bird ivermectin. Pete Davidson, by the way, was what? Was he like 6'8"? And then Joe Rogan's 4'2".

It's like they're not even trying. Yeah. And like, and Pete, what's funny is when someone, like I think Pete's a pretty funny guy. Yeah. And he's a part of this skit that he has to know sucks too, you know? Yeah. But it's like, I don't know, the writers give me the fucking script and I do it. How many times can he think this sucks?

Well, he's like, not a year? Yeah, I guess. Was that Jack's name? Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Which Another year? Yeah, I guess. Was that Jack's name? Yeah. Sorry, sorry. By the way, I do. Was that Kardashian just sucking you off in the fucking green room? Oh, good.

I'll say whatever you want. Give me that bald wig right now. All right. Absolutely. He put on the wig and he was just like. Put on a wig for what? Like not a wig, like a bald. Okay, okay.

But he was like, hey, Big Bird, I'm Joe Rogan. Like, that was the voice. I was like, is that even fucking, that doesn't sound like Joe Rogan at all. No. What I think is weird is, like, I think Update, Weekend Update is, if there's one thing that's, like, tolerable, it's him and Joe's, like, just doing the news and kind of getting some clever jabs in. So, like, why, why even bother, why try to, like to like defend the whole i don't defend every fucking

thing that goes on a bar so he's a head writer isn't he so is he writing those skits i think i don't know if he's riding though i don't know how it works he's certainly like overseas yeah i thought that was the nature of the show it's like and i'm sure he would have to admit that's just bad there's like there's there's no... Because if you see some of his stand-ups, it's like, that's fucking hilarious. So you have to know that skit's not like your best. Yeah. So, but I guess, you know, everyone just, it's almost cool to be like, yo, fuck SNL. Yeah.

That's not cool. It's just, you know, comedians are being truthful. Yeah. And that's sort of the way it is. I think if they just said, look, it's a bad show. What do you want from us? Yeah. You can't do that.

If you throw your hands up and you're like, look, it is fair. Like, yeah, I do what I can with what NBC lets me do. And we've advertised we can't piss off. We have people who can't piss off. And I'd get it. But yeah, it makes sense. That's what the response should have been. But you're right.

You can't say that. But Weekend Update, I think it was the same episode. It was great. They had one of the newest actresses on. And she did this thing with Jost. It was really good. It was fucking fun yeah I've always liked we get out there I will yeah that's always it's always money we just need to get rid of the rest of it we can say like a five-minute show yeah the I the response from Che

unless unless there was some like inside I just didn't really understand what a lot of his Instagrams were really about. I don't know if there's like some inside shit going there, but I was like, I guess it's tough to be like, he was kind of just dismissive of Tim saying that like,

oh, Tim tried to do comedy. It didn't work out. So he became a media mogul or something like that. I was like, yeah, but Tim's only been doing it 10 years.

It's like, it's not like he tried comedy, failed and then pivoted into podcasting. It's all just been one big thing. Also, that's what it is now. There is no this or that.

You know. Dude, when you're making, when you're the number one like person on Patreon. Yeah. You're making $200,000 a month when you have, you know, 40 or whatever thousand people

subscribing to you. Yeah. And that's just your like subscription side of things. Not even including all the other stuff. It's just tough to be like, oh, like Tim Dillon's got a cute little operation going.

It's like fucking massive. Also, the lowest budget of any podcast is just him and an iPhone. And he's just ranting about. I also don't agree. Tim's pot shot, though. Tim said he does well. He did okay for a drunk or whatever. Yeah.

Leave drinking habits out of this. Yeah, he's done well for a drunk. He cannot read. Easy, sir. done well for a drunk who cannot read. Yeah, yeah. Easy, sir. The fuck did I do, Tim? Come on, Tim. I just also didn't understand the whole, like,

I don't think he's failed at comedy. He's fucking selling out theaters. That did not make any sense to me. I don't know. I don't know, Che, personally, or Che. I don't even know how you say it. But, like, I think it's just again it's just rich people.

It's just a couple of tweets and then the two of them probably went back to their mansions. There are those things where like I feel like it's part of just the way the world is now where like you send a tweet. We argue about it all day. People are like why do you care about this? Oh I don't care. I just tweet about it. I don't fucking care.

That's the problem with having a voice. Once you get X amount of followers, apparently everything you say matters important, hugely important. But when you're 100 followers, you can be like, my meal sucks. Why are you being a dickhead? They were trying their best.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just fucking said the food wasn't good. I don't know. It was shitty. You know when people, like losers on Twitter, have like retweets does not equal endorsement? I'm going to put like commenting and tweeting does not equal caring. Yeah, I don't give a shit.

I'm just here to fucking have some combos, stir up some shit, talk some shit, have some laughs. Give you my opinion on stuff. It's a real champagne problems thing. But yeah, once you get so many followers, you can say anything. People are like, oh, this matters a lot to me. I can say we were recording earlier and I was is this matters a lot yeah and like I can say we were recording earlier and I was like

making fun of like other people at Barstool and people were like oh he's like he's really I was like no I was fucking making a joke man I don't really fucking care

I'm totally fine I also love when it's like they act like tweeting is like some hard work like well clearly obviously you care like look at these tweets

and like I mean it takes like seven seconds to send a tweet mean it takes like I didn't even spell check this bitch the second you start thinking about it you're fucked you gotta just whatever is the gut feeling I love this burrito and then you'll have an article saying cultural appropriation. Barstool sports. Wouldn't be the first time. Certainly won't be the last. These dirty, misogynistic pieces of shit. Yep. Absolutely. You're cultural appropriating.

That's what that hat. I like that hat. Is that what it is? Hats? Americans have handed hats. Well, no, just the D-bag. D-bag is cultural appropriating barstool. Is it?

Oh, yeah. We are the douches. I just got this free at a bar. You don't realize it says D-bag on it? I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Whatever. I was thinking maybe I'll rebrand free at a bar. You don't realize it says D-Bag on it? I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Whatever.

I was thinking maybe I'll rebrand it for Dirt Bag. Oh, I was thinking Douche Bag. Yeah, I was thinking Douche too. Yeah. But Mount Snow, I would guess it probably is Dirt Bag. You're probably right. Go check out that bar. Are we allowed to say that?

Or is that going to get clipped out? Is my hat going to be blurred this whole episode? As Pornhub gets his gets his money you gotta kick it up so what what's like on the the agenda for you like back

you know now you hit the road we're doing podcasting like I said it's like you're kind of in with the skanks gang yeah I'm in with that gang just trying to

I don't know I just sort of like two years like what was the connection there like so you came over in 14 I right? I came over in 14. Solo, dolo, like you're just doing your own thing. You had no plan or anything? You were just like, fuck, I'm not gonna plan. Yeah, I just said I'll try to give it a year.

Were you doing it in Ireland? Yeah, I was doing it for like two years in Ireland. And then enough success or enough failure? It was enough that people were like, oh, he's like a new kid and I got like a little bit of TV work and things like that. But it's like such a dead end though. It's like, oh, you're doing great in this irrelevant place.

No offense to everyone back there. But it almost feels like, and again, this sounds condescending, but it's almost like a minor leagues in a way where it's like, if you make it there, now that means you're ready to jump.

Yeah. So you got to succeed there first. Yeah, well, I didn't even do that. I didn't wait around. I was just like, listen, I knew eventually.

Yeah, you might as well cut to the chase. And here's the thing, I grew up in, I visited here when I was like 20 and I loved it. I was like oh america's the shit new york or america new york yeah yeah i actually felt this is so corny i i was with my ex-girlfriend at the we did the uh empire state building and they had this like cheesy american brooklyn cab driver as like your headset so So it was like, yo, my name is Tony from Bensonhurst.

And he was like, the best slice of pizza is Joe's. I remember when my grandfather came over on the boat. I remember going, I love this. This is great. But the way they described

the city was like, it doesn't matter if you're like just some blue haired vegan or just a jock or just some guy who wants to, insider trading, some some guy who wants to insider trading, some coke head who wants to work on Wall Street.

He's like, no matter what you want in New York, you can find them. I was like, all right. I'll be a drunk comedian, and I'll find my crew eventually. And you, I mean, you found them. I found them, yeah. You found them, man. That is funny when it's like, I'm always interested in like the clicks that can form in the world of comedy.

Yeah. So you come over, you start telling some jokes, you get some laughs. Yeah. You're having some drinks afterwards and people are just like, this guy's cool. Yeah. I guess the podcasting changed everything for me. Yeah. It changed the world, man.

I was doing open mics and then I did some bar shows and then I kind of got in with a club and then I think someone recommended me to Louis J. Gomez who does skanks and he has his own podcast, Real Ass Podcast. So then I did some bar shows and then i kind of got in with a club and then i think someone recommended me to lewis j gomez who does skanks and he has his own podcast real ass podcast so then i did real ass podcast i became a regular and when is this this was all in the last two years now yeah just before covid so maybe 2019 yeah and then 2020 we i i was almost sick of podcasting in 2020 with the with uh covid i was like nothing else to do so we're just podcast podcast podcast and now suddenly i'm like you know where i've gone in the last two years it's like it's insane but like i'm still so far down the ladder in terms of comedy i'm just hoping i'm just hoping it's quick though man i'm just hoping it keeps growing yeah yeah it's it's not like a lot of

times i i think of you guys almost as like athletes in sports and you see who's the new guy who's the rookie who's the veteran who's having a big year whatever but there's but it can you know like a lot it's not like

in sports there's only so many teams so many guys that can succeed you know if you're having a big year and you're doing funny shit along with 10 other guys

everybody's you know what I mean you don't have your own show though you're just making appearances oh no I have my own podcast it's called the Wizard of Pod Wizard of Pod

it's actually gonna go through a rebranding soon just called the Column Tarot Podcast. Just save all the silly beliefs. We've talked about trying to rebrand our show, and we just never do it because it's too late now, but our branding sucks. Our show sucks. Yeah? Yeah, and the name sucks. It's so

stupid. Can I see the radio? I think we'll come around. Come around? You like it now? I love it. I hate it so much. I started it, like, in it now I love it I hate it so much It's I started it like In 2012 I guess it is And at the time I was just like

I don't know My initials KFC Radio I'm doing a radio show And now it sucks But alright If you like it Let's go

Let's fucking go It's so ludicrous It's like It's just preposterous I mean at one point I had a radio show Yeah And so there was

KFC Radio Which was the podcast And then the radio show wasn't a podcast. It was just like, what? And then people were like, is it about chicken? Yeah, of course. Yeah, you know what? Yes.

I'm going to start answering that. Yes. I have a podcast entirely dedicated to just chicken, you dumb motherfuckers. The breast of the week, which could be a segment. Actually, that probably was back in the day on the podcast. We probably did have that segment, man. You'll grow to hate anything you're doing, though.

If you just keep seeing it all the time. Yeah, I mean, don't I? My face. I see it every day. I see this thing every day. It fucking sucks, man. It's awful. This is the first time I'm seeing it, and I don't like it.

I can't imagine the hell you're in. I see that every fucking day. Press a selfie? Man, we put up some old pictures of ourselves on, we had this big fucking screen behind us at Town Hall this weekend for the comedy festival. And we were making jokes about the way we looked back in the early days of barstool yeah and um and there was like it hasn't

gotten better no no some people have had like glow ups we have not but it was funny because there was a little like a one picture with four of us and the one picture of me wasn't all that bad and he was like no this is bullshit like there's worse fucking pictures of him. So then they put on the full screen this really awful picture of me. Did you hear the crowd groan? I almost had to leave the stage. I was almost like, show's over.

The crowd, it was almost like we put up faces of death. It was almost like we put up a dead puppy. People were like, oh, oh, no. They crossed the line. It's just me without a shirt like a dead puppy. People were like, oh, no, no. They crossed the line. I was like, it's just me without a shirt, man. Fuck. Fuck.

I just tried to keep the show moving. I was like, hey, next. You know, whatever's next on the fucking. It's incredible. Brutal. Brutal, man. All right. So you got Wizard of Pod, but we're just going to rebrand that.

Yes. Somebody called the Column Terrell podcast. Keep it simple. That's available on everywhere you get podcasts and patreon.com forward slash column tyrell. And then my YouTube channel, I put out a lot of content out there and vlogging, doing all sorts of stuff. That's YouTube forward slash column tyrell.

So that's where I think, that's where I'm going to focus. I was going to say, speaking of YouTube, we're going to go do Answer the Internet now. Yeah, yeah. So we'll be able to put that up. But yeah, man, YouTube is where it's at, dude.

Yeah. It's like... The views. The views, and you can still do the podcast it's at, dude. Yeah. It's like... The views. The views. And you can still do the podcast. You can do it. Exactly. Well, I think 2022 should be a good year.

Everything's back. Yeah. Yep. All right, man. Let's go do some S&M. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.