KFC Radio - Patton Oswalt, Brendan Schaub, and Unlimited Battery Life

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

Patton Oswalt (57:00) sits down with the guys to talk about Secret Life of Pets 2, using a T-Rex in the Civil War, Game of Thrones, Veep, Parks n Rec, Barry and why people should stop demanding entertainment fit their specific desires. Brendan Schaub (1:12:00) has a new special on Showtime "You'd Be Surprised", and talks about trying to score on Kawhi Leonard, the fashion at the Met Gala, Ayesha Curry, Nicholas Cage, and Thrones (taped before the finale). KFC and Feits also discuss Bella Hadid kissing a robot, shopping in SoHo, Pornhub premium and the Thrones finale. Voicemails include: girls share dick pics, the ugly friend factor, unlimited battery and sextape sent to your family.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Another edition of KFC Radio presented by Postmates. This episode is brought to you by Movement Watches. The summer is almost here, so I recommend you get the white face Movement Watch with the tan leather band. It's got like a little Miami feel to it. A little South Beach. You got the white face, the light colored leather band, and you can get some sunglasses

to match because Movement Watches also has the sunglass game on lockdown. So all the accessories you need. I recommend the black on black. You're going to go black on black for the summer? Oh yeah. I'm black on black all the time. If you're watching on barstoolgold.com You do the leather, right? Yeah. And I wear it inside out like I'm in the military. That's so stupid. I don't know i think i just saw that in the military once

while they were snipers probably in the code i just like it i just like it look i like that but look better i mean basically what i'm saying is i'm basically yeah you just want to wear bracelets that's fine but i like i like moving watches so i gotta get my watches but yeah i like the i have the black on black with the metal like the the links. So either way, the black is fire. I think for the summer you go a little bit lighter, but that's the beauty of it. You can go dark like John, you can go light like me, get the sunglasses to match, and you can do it all for an affordable price starting at just $95. John breaks out his little notebook he's writing down.

I'm sure something stupid. No, I was just checking what's in it. Okay. Go to MVMT.com slash KFC and get yourself 15% off your, sorry, code KFC and get yourself

15% off, nope, sorry, slash MVMT.com slash KFC. 15% off, free returns, free shipping

and that 15% off is going to go a long way. MVMT.com slash KFC. I'm so bad at dancing to anything but the words. That's what white people do. I know. It's crazy.

Why do we do that? Well, you know, it makes sense. What beat do you dance to? The words. I got to get dancing lessons. Listen, if you're not watching on Gold, make sure you do so, because if you want to just see two awkward white boys dance once an episode, we always dance horribly to that first fucking, that first number.

So barcelagold.com slash KFC to watch. You know, we'll entertain you intentionally on the podcast with our words, but unintentionally with our dancing. This is the greatest show. I'm singing and I can't do it. You gotta be dancing to that like. I don't know how to do that. That song has a beat, man.

That's worth getting gold for. So is, just to see what I'm wearing, because I got a dope shirt on today. Africa, Toto. I mean, it's all right. It is pretty good see what I'm wearing because I got a dope shirt on today. Africa. Toto. I mean, it's all right. It is pretty good. It's all right.

It's pretty good. Where did you get it? Like a thrift shop? Yeah. Yeah. I knew it. No, I didn't. I got Urban Outfitters.

Yeah, right. But a funny thing from this weekend actually was, I don't know. I haven't seen the clothes, so I don't know what was purchased. But so Sunday morning, I was writing a blog. I'm back in the blog game. Okay. Sometimes you just get the itch. Oh, I know better than anybody.

I think I did from Wednesday to Sunday. I think I wrote like 12 blogs. Yeah, see, that's the problem. I have blog days where I'll write like four in a day. And I'm like, I'm back, baby. And then I wake up in the morning. I'm like, I'm not. See, that's the problem. I have blog days where I'll write like four in a day and I'm like, I'm back baby. And then I wake up in the morning. I'm like,

I'm not doing that again. That was, that was crazy. That's so much extra work. It's a, but so I'm sitting on the blog. I'm sitting on the couch in my underwear, writing a blog.

Just kind of, I'm not hungover. I didn't go out at all this weekend, but just like tired, you know, disheveled naturally. And a gas comes out and we're just talking about like more of the weekend, what our plans are. And I think he's going to the gym.

Uh, he just looks like, you know, he's in like the, what our plans are. And I think he's going to the gym. He just looks like he's in Adidas pants that look like they tear away. Yep. But they don't actually tear away. And he's in a ratty old T-shirt, a pair of beat-up gym sneakers. And he's playing with headphones. I figure, yeah, I'm just chatting up for a little bit before he goes to the gym. And then he opens the door. He's like, all right, I'm going shopping in Soho.

And he closes it. And as I'm sitting on the couch, I'm typing, and it all starts to register to me and i literally run into the hallway i go in that he goes back and he's like what are you talking about i was like have you ever been to soho because let me tell you something you go there to flex in your best outfit and maybe you buy a new one that's it you don't go down there looking like he's like the guy gotta change my pants though like what i'm trying i'm it doesn't matter doesn't matter you do not anyway i mean he went looking like that so we haven't spoken about that you know you go shopping looking like a scrub and it's gonna be like a pretty woman situation where they're gonna judge you and they're not

gonna think you're i mean it's just like everything man like like the the nicest i get dressed is to go shopping and so on and then like do you go shopping in soho often uh like you go shopping in soho and then like do you go shopping in soho often uh like do you go shopping in general often like probably i i don't always buy stuff but like probably like once a month i'll take a gander okay because i don't go shopping anymore i go like i'll just buy something it's like it's like it's basically like i'm gonna go walking that day i'm just gonna go walking around stores i'll pop into a bar for a bit it's just that's fine but is it your intent though you leave the house like i'm gonna go shopping my intent is i'm gonna go walking around stores i'll pop into a bar for a bit it's just that's fine but is it your intent though you leave the house like i'm gonna go shopping my intent is i'm gonna go walking around stores i like and i'm gonna go looking if i'm going somewhere and i walk by a place or see something

in the window i'll pop in but i don't ever like make shopping my excursion it's like anything it's my vehicle my vehicle to get outside my reason to get outside is so i can actually go to a bar. Yeah. We always end up in one spot. Yeah. And it's like, I'll pop it off a beer. I'll go take another store or two. It's just like,

it basically, it's just like, you know, like girls will make like shopping there. That's what they're doing. Like, let's go shopping together. And it's like their social event.

I mean, it's what me and Lou do. You guys go shopping together. That's like, we're going to go shopping. So gay. Right. I mean,

you, you are, I mean, you're so much gayer than Pat. Pat's the worst gay guy in the world. Just a terrible. we're gonna go shopping so gay right i mean you you are i mean you're so much gayer than pat pat's the worst gay guy in the world just a terrible pat doesn't go shopping like ever horrible horrible homosexual i'm gonna start calling i'm gonna start calling him triple h the horrible horrible homosexual triple h uh yeah no i, you're definitely the gayest blogger here. Yeah, for sure. The only problem is that you don't, like, suck any dick that I know of.

I'm telling you. If that changed. Would you take one for the team, please, and just go gay? No. Why not? I don't like guys. I know that. No, I mean, like, I just don't like them as people.

Well, yeah, you just don't like people. I don't like people, yeah. You can make that broader. You're just totally asexual. You're just no sexual. Plus, I can't get down with the... Did you see the other... Actually, there's a story I was blogging.

The Calvin Klein thing? No, what happened there? So, Bella Hadid is kissing an AI robot in the new Calvin Klein. Right. I didn't see this. Okay. So, I haven't seen the ad. It's openly a robot.

Like, the whole point is that it's a robot? I believe the ad only debuted. I haven't seen it on TV or anything like that. But I believe it's only been seen on the robot's Instagram. Not Instagram. Sorry, Twitter. So the gays are mad because Bella Hadid kissed a girl, but it was a girl robot, and they wanted her to kiss a human.

A human girl. Is that what's going on? What's the outrage the outrage i saw your tweet it was very funny your tweet said like let's play a game try to guess who's outraged here because the initial tweet said people are outraged by bella hadid kissing a robot and i really was like who and what and first of all to be clear too i said i'm not saying i said this in the blog again most of what i'm going to say where my are my thoughts i put them the blog as well, so just deal with that. But so, first of all, I never do blogs like that anymore because I think people are mad it's so stupid.

But this one was one that wasn't the point of the blog, to be like, this is what this group thinks, the point that was just what happened. Calvin Klein did have to do an initial apology, so there were enough people who were upset where it wasn't to grab tweets. Right. Now, having said that, I honestly, I was watching Escape at Dannemora

because I'm not usually a miniseries guy, but I love Chernobyl, so I went right back and did all Escape at Dannemora this weekend. But I was watching that, and I was kind of just like, in the back of my mind while watching that, trying to guess, who's mad here? who could possibly be upset and my first bet went to like crazy christians naturally that's who that's who it had to be it wasn't even like about homosexuality i figured they were just like between adam and eve not adam and steve or adam and ai right uh and it was so that was my first thought was like the crazy christians right and that was then it was so that was my first thought was like the crazy Christians. Right. And that was then I was just like, well, it can't be them because they're all way too busy screaming at rape victims in Alabama. Big time.

Big time. We're a little busy forcing 11 year olds that babies. We can't get mad about kissing robots. This is this is next month at least. I'll put it on my Google Cal. Hopefully I'll come back to this woman kissing the robot thing. And then I was like, maybe it's engineers who are just like upset that, you know, like the robot couldn't consent to the kiss. Oh my God.

I can't decide which would be the silliest. Well, then I went to meninists. What's a meninist? Meninists are feminists for men. Oh. Men's rights guys. God. And they're like, if women start fucking robots, then like, you need us we without our sperm the world won't survive the human race will fall apart

uh and then i clicked the link finally after a lot of debate in my mind first of all it's so fucked up that i can even think of these things i know like and they're all it's not even my fault it's just the world's fault that like these thoughts even come in my head uh and it ended up being gay people were upset because bella hadid isn't gay and she was kissing a female they could have cast a gay model yes exactly this robot i'm watching by the way i mean this is a robot that's this this is this is not cgi or anything that's yeah another fun game was trying to guess which one was which i know because bella hadid looks like a fucking robot to me i mean that that so that that model like or that robot walks over and like tilts her head and i mean we are burying the lead here like this is the beginning of the end when robots can

do shit like this don't be surprised when we when they go terminator on motherfuckers it starts with bella hadid making out with them and it ends with us dying dying in a fiery apocalypse i i i keep going back and forth with that stuff. I don't... I think it's too obvious that that's how we all die. Like Bran being the Night King, or being the king of the Iron Throne.

Yeah, we guessed it, guys. We guessed it halfway through the same way that we know that robots are going to take us over, but we're still doing it. The opening play of that show, despite it was good imagery, none of it made a lick of fucking sense. We'll get to it in a second. Hang on. Okay. Sorry. First, the gays being upset about the robots.

I, you know, there's only so many actors and shit like that. Because this is a broader thing with movies and whatnot. Like, you can't always cast something that's like perfectly realistic you know what i mean like well acting is the job of that's what the doctor's job is yeah that's what i mean acting is like you know well you can't all right i'm

gonna uh i'm gonna make a movie about a a person who is mentally you know is mentally all scarred because they were abused the child why don't you go get someone who was really abused? Because we're just going to have someone act it out who's really good at fucking acting. You can't cast reality in every single situation. Now, in a circumstance... You can call reality TV if you want to go. If that's what your thing is, go watch that. Sure.

I'm sure there's certain instances where it's just like, hey, man, that person should be a black actor or something like that, which makes a lot more sense. But you're going to have straight people playing gay people. You're going to have young people playing old people you're gonna have fucking you know happy people and sad people it's just acting it's called fucking acting we can't we can't just cast uh you know dead ass now doing a robot is you know an extra level to it there but that doesn't make any fucking sense that reminded me of when um

tyler sagan and jamie ben got in trouble because they were in like uh i think might have been an all-star game interview and they were asked about the sadeen's um sadeen sisters sadeen sadeen sisters yeah and they were like oh man those guys are weird who knows what they do behind closed doors and they both kind of giggled and like hockey twitter went nuts saying they're making gay jokes you're burying the lead they're brothers that's the weird part it's not the part that they're both men it's the part that they're making gay jokes. You're burying the lead. They're brothers. That's the weird part. It's not the part that they're both men.

It's the part that they're fucking brothers. The incest. That's the lead here. It's a robot. It's not a woman. It's a robot. By the way, with the Sedin sisters, I don't even think,

I think it was more like those guys might be murdering people behind closed doors. I think they're weird on McPoyles. They're playing with toys like the Hanson brothers. They're drinking milk like the McPoyles. There's a million things. I don't think it was necessarily that those guys might be murdering people behind closed doors. I think they're weird on McPoyles. It could be they're just playing with toys like the Hansen brothers. They're drinking milk like the McPoyles. There's a million things. I don't think it was necessarily that they were blowing each other. Probably they were. Could have been.

But, yeah, the whole robot. This is so Mad Libs for 2019. It's like Hadid model who doesn't really do anything, plus robot, plus LGBTQ, whatever the fucking uh outrage just just throw it all together that's 2019 for you uh so so what what was calvin's response like sorry oh they did have one awesome word i read this we'll cast it we'll cast the gay next time i was so happy i read the response because they had a word in it i i didn't look up the definition but it was queer sorry queerbaiting queerbaiting yes you know what it is uh uh uh no oh you i didn't look up the definition, but it was queer. Sorry. Queer baiting. Queer baiting. Yes. You know what it means? No.

Oh, I didn't think I'd finish saying the word. I thought you just. No, I mean, I've heard queer. I would just like trying to appeal to the gays by like, you know. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Right? When I hear baiting, I don't think of bait anymore.

That's gone. I'm like masturbating. Oh. No, I'm thinking of clickbait, queer bait. I guess clickbait not masturbate you masturbating to clicks I mean we kind of do actually so maybe that works

were you were you on CCK last Friday yes were you there for the toilet discussion yes okay

I just wanted to make sure you knew of that if you haven't go listen to the CCK podcast there's just a story about the seriously the most whipped man of all time I just want to make sure everybody story about the seriously the most whipped man of all

time uh i just want to make sure everybody knows about the guy who was forced to sit in the toilet by his wife uh let's do a little bit of thrones talk we'll get into our voicemails then we got brendan schaub on the show who's uh showtime comedy special debuted friday night last friday night uh we also got pat and oswalt on the show a first time appearance for him so a couple monster interviews for you but first we do a little him. So a couple monster interviews for you. But first, we do a little Thrones brought to you by, delivered to you by Postmates. What can I say about Postmates that I haven't said already? It makes my life easier.

Postmates is hard to advertise for because it's like advertising for oxygen. Yeah, right. You need this. It's like brought to you by air, brought to you by water, brought to you by Postmates. It's a necessity in life at this point it's i can't imagine life without it i just open it up and you know it's wild they do like they're so smart like i was postmatesing my dinner and i was driving home and they were like you're not actually near your uh location are you sure this is where you want to deliver it to like they know you know i'm like yeah like i'm on my way home but thank you because if you've ever ordered you've done that before you order to the office by accident yeah yeah that's absolutely brutal

that's genius because that is the worst yeah they can tell they know i've sent out numerous tweets just saying if someone's at barstool hq go downstairs you get a free burrito whatever here's your dinner yeah the postmate should almost say the the alert should say hey you uh you timing it so that you arrive at home at the same time? You sexy little baby. Just making sure.

Because when you coordinate, you know, all right, my train gets in at 7.09 and it takes me three minutes to walk home. I'm going to get this for 7.15 and it's going to be right there

on the dot. It's going to be perfect. And then you have your dinner as you arrive. It's a beautiful sight. It's a beautiful thing. Shout out to all my postmates. Shout out to all my postmates delivery people, men and women.

Sometimes they force their children to do it. They just like, they got little kids running around doing their dirty work. I love it. They are the unsung heroes of my food delivery of my life right now. And right now, I'm going to be a hero for you by providing you $100 of free delivery when you use the promo code KFC. Download the Postmates app when you're checking out. Enter the promo code KFC. Download the Postmates app when you're checking out. Enter the promo code KFC.

It'll knock off your delivery charge, any charge now from between now and the next seven days up to $100 of free delivery. That's Postmates promo code KFC. Game of Stools is out. Our last episode ever. Recap in the finale. You want to get the views of Clem and Ellie

and all of our immediate post-game reactions following last night's finale, two nights ago's finale. You want to get the views of Clem and Ellie and all of our immediate post-game reactions following last night's finale, two nights ago's finale. But Fights is right now going viral for all the wrong reasons. It's so symbolic. So you tweeted about Drogon burning the Iron

Throne, which was the corniest scene maybe ever. I actually have two differing views on it one the imagery of it was cool yeah i don't think that was corny i think i think the imagery of game of thrones has always been on point the scene where denarius had wings was so awesome the clegane bowl looks cool visually this show has never faltered so but but i also mean like the imagery of imagery of the throne melting is cool. I thought it was going to be that the throne doesn't matter anymore

one way or another, but they literally melted down from a dragon. And he just can't comprehend that. He's a dragon. He just can't know that. He's a dragon, dude. And I know dragons are intelligent. Yes, I know. But you can't be intelligent about something you've just never heard of.

Albert Einstein was very intelligent. He would not just understand hockey the moment he watched a game. He's never heard of it. It's like, maybe he's a bad example because he's a German, so maybe they did play. But you know what I'm saying. Maybe, Al. Maybe Bert really liked hockey.

I don't know. But you get the point. Yeah. Like, it's the same thing as when you say like your dogs are really smart. Your dogs know it's like, well, yeah, but the dog also doesn't understand that. Like Donald Trump is divisive in politics. You know what I mean? Like like your dragon, your dragon knows that his mom just died. Sure. But he does not understand that that chair symbolizes a greater political struggle that is leading to death and violence.

He might have understood her quest for power, but he's never been in the boardroom. chair symbolizes a greater political struggle that is leading to death and violence he might have understood her quest for power but he's never been in the boardroom he's never heard them say throne he's basically only heard rick harris that's the only thing that dog knows unless unless you were telling me that she's in the in the crypts you know every since a baby just like learning about i can't wait to have that throne again and drawing pictures of saying this is what a throne looks like by the way because like even if you know what the throne is you don't know what a throne looks like because you've never seen one in your fucking life

because you're a dragon the first 20 minutes of that show there was so much stuff that just didn't make any fucking sense you're mad about the first 20 minutes I'm way more mad about the last 20 minutes I just wasn't paying attention anymore I checked out I know like the jokes and stuff

when John kills Danny and then they just cut to like I wasn't paying attention anymore. I checked out. I know the jokes and stuff. Oh, my God. When John kills Danny and they just cut to, I don't know, weeks, months later. I don't even know how much time passed. I've never been more mad at anything in my life. More mad than when Dexter became a lumberjack. More mad than when in Lost there was that golden orb in the river. I don't even remember Lost anymore. It was, it was, I've never been more mad than when they just,

well, we're not even going to let you know what happened in the immediate aftermath after the assassination of the Mother of Dragons. We're just going to cut to this little summer camp, duck-duck-goose circle where we're just chatting it out. Jon Snow confessed to killing her. And Grey Worm, who two minutes ago was slitting everyone's throats just because Dany said she didn't like someone. Now the dude who assassinated her is in his arms, in his control. And he's just like, no, we're going to keep him prisoner.

And then the guy who he also had on trial, Tyrion, who he was ready to fucking kill. He just gets completely persuaded by Tyrion's little story. You get to be the hand now. But in the first 20 minutes, because my problem with the show has always been the continuity of the storytelling and there was just none of that in the first 20 minutes like i mean it was very dramatic when episode six uh five ended and aria got on that horse why what was the point of that 20 feet what was the fucking and then just jumped off the aria was not in this episode at all except that she had that one line i'll slit your throat or whatever fine that was great aria didn't matter cersei didn't matter for this whole season cersei was on camera for like 10 seconds this whole

season uh we've been we've been on euron forever like he didn't he didn't do anything unless it was just like oh we need we need to advance the plot this way we need to advance the plot that way we'll use him uh and then john snow being a Targaryen just doesn't matter at all. Yeah, it really doesn't. And people are like, well, it's what drove Dany to be the Mad Queen. No, not really. No. Like, it was a part of it.

She lost her boyfriend. I get it. But it was really like she lost her dragons. She lost all the people around who were mad at her. She realized she was never going to be beloved. She's a Targaryen, her father. There was a million things that led her to be the mad queen john ending up being a threat for the throne kind of was one but not really because she also didn't really ever treat him like a threat

after that she was still like let's do this together i'm still in love with you so the idea that he was some like massive threat to her does not really doesn't really play the idea that she knew uh that she was never going to be beloved because he's a targaryen no that the people didn't know that the people who love Jon Snow don't love him because he's Targaryen they love him because he's the king of the north so the idea that she needed to go with fear and not love because of Jon that's true but not because he's Targaryen all of that same storyline everything about her going mad could have played with just Jon being a Stark or being a bastard Snow R plus L equals J was, in my mind,

going to be the greatest TV secret reveal of all time. More than the Secrets of Lost, more than the mysteries of any other show. To me, Jon, how are they going to tell the world? Was the Prince who was promised the definite Targaryen? Yeah. I don't know if it was definite, but those were all tied in. So then it makes sense.

I guess they did fulfill the prince who was promised. Yeah, I mean, yeah. He killed the biggest threat. Right. But it was just... Even to me, if you wanted Bran to win, he should have announced he's a Targaryen, one way or the other.

Have the guy who was there, what's his name, Harland, whatever, he could have announced he's a Targaryen one way or the other have the guy who was there was his name Harland whatever he could have showed up uh people were talking about the dragons try to burn him and it doesn't work so they know he's a Targaryen or the dragon like bends the knee to him so that you know telling the Unsullied and the Dothraki and all the people that he's a Targaryen however you wanted to do it reveal that Jon is is a Targaryen in a very dramatic way by the way if your brother was in prisons and you knew the truth sansa and aria aren't gonna fucking on his trial like speak up and be like by the way he's a targaryen there was so many things about him being the fucking rightful heir to the throne that just never were mentioned if they if they had announced it he was the

targaryen everyone's like all right you're the new king and he says i've never had an interest in doing this let's break the cycle let's's break the wheel, let's give it to Bran. The same speech that Tyrion did, if that just came from Aegon Targaryen, the rightful heir to the throne, it would have made, it would still have stunk, giving Bran the broken. But at least it would have made sense.

How about getting that, the same sentence you're nominated for king. You're the broken. You get the worst nickname ever. Like, yeah, I know, cool, I'll be king. First order is king. Stop calling me Bran the broken nickname ever like yeah no cool i'll be king first order is king stop calling me that i've been watching vikings and uh ivar the boneless is his name he's a cripple too which that was a real life story but even like the boneless made more sense it was like he's like this freak who doesn't by the way speaking of the uh broken you know the shirzies we've been doing for game of thrones yeah i made a brand the broken one and they're all on sale so go get them one of those what's what's the is a stark the stark direwolf and just brand

the broken on the back maybe maybe i think we should maybe make one just throw the handicap symbol on there like just a wheelchair with the sword sticking out brand the broken on the back just give me something that acknowledges that like the that him being a targaryen actually mattered because all it really did was lead to a breakup. The only thing that it really did was make Jon be like, oh, we can't be together. What was the deal with winter, too? Was that ash falling?

I thought it was ash, but then it clearly looked like snow after a while to me. And then it was just like, boom, now we're in the summer. That was another part of the problem with the continuity of the beginning to me, too, is first of all, Arya's way back, and the next thing you know she's on stage. Then Jon saw he was going there and Grey Worm was busy cutting throats and Grey Worm's already up on stage.

Yeah, there was a lot of that. And then when he goes up to see Dany, Drogon is buried in snow. Yeah, that was wild. And then the fucking throne is just fine. None of Yeah, that was wild. And then the fucking throne is just fine. None of it, there was no continuity of it. And that has been my biggest problem with Weiss and Benioff with their storytelling is things like that.

That just doesn't make sense. Why is this dragon who's been moving around, why is he covered in snow? And the fucking exposed throne is just sitting there fine. It's just like, is someone dusting that off all the time? What is happening? And that's what you can blame them for. I think everything else is George R.R. Martin's fault. Yeah, I mean, the fact that he just didn't wrap it up

and didn't give them anything other than like a very loose outline. They were excellent at the job they were hired to do. And then in the middle. Turning books into a show. Yeah, and then they got fucking Robert California, where it's just like, okay, you're the CEO now. Wait, you don't know how to do this. I'm a good regional manager.

I'm not the fucking CEO. This isn't my world. I don't know. I can't write this. I mean, it was bad. I can't believe anybody liked it, but I guess there are some people out there who are okay with it. I think it was absolutely terrible. We actually dove into a lot of the specifics.

It even broke Ellie. Ellie, finally. Somebody tweeted me and said the character arcs from this Game of the specifics. It even broke Ellie. Ellie finally. Somebody tweeted me and said, the character arcs from this Game of Stools people was more interesting than the actual show. Because Ellie coming full circle and me being vindicated. Clem called Bran like two and a half, three years ago. So there was a lot of interesting stuff on the final podcast.

So go give that a download. By the way, Danny had an interview come out in the New Yorker last night after the finale finished. And it was just like her talking about all kinds of things. But one thing was asked what one of the more difficult scenes to film for her were. And it was season one, her getting raped. And obviously, but she said the sentence, I couldn't have been raped by anyone more pleasant. And she prefaced it like Amelia Clark's a funny person.

She's like, this is going to sound like a really weird sentence coming out of my mouth, but I'm going to say it anyway. I couldn't have been raped by anyone more pleasant. She's like, Jason Momoa cried more during the scenes than I did. And listen, you want to be crass about it. I guarantee you there's like several million girls behind closed doors who are like, I'd let Jason Momoa rape me. So it could be worse.

That would be consensual. So Game of Stools is over, but TV talk is going to continue, whether we call it Barstool DVR or whatever. I don't know. Me and Fights and maybe a couple other people are going to jump on later this week. We're going to be talking about Chernobyl on HBO,

which if you're not watching, peep that miniseries because it's fucking awesome. And there's a lot to talk about there. Obviously real life story, but there's some interesting stuff going on with the way the actors are and how they're portraying it. We'll talk about Barry,

which the finale for that was the same night as Game of Thrones. I haven't watched it yet. Did you? I did not watch it. We'll catch up on that. I did, but I didn't. It was on, but I was too busy doing throw-in stuff. We got to discuss the series finale of Veep, which was totally overshined by Game of Thrones. That show deserves much more credit than it's getting.

Succession is returning. Billions is back and cooking. A lot of really good TV to talk about now. So it's something we've always wanted to do here. We've tried it in the past. You've watched Binge. You've watched Watchlist. And we've always kind of wanted to do tv but you

know what i think has changed i think thrones has broken the spoilers thing we always were like the problem with with what we always tried different formats of a tv of tv content and our problem was that we are worried about spoiling it for people and no one's going to tune into a show if they're going to get spoiled and then you're not going to have a big audience so what's the point of doing it uh so it was either you pick shows that are individual and we discuss them. But then if people don't watch those shows, they're not going to tune in or if they don't want to get spoiled, they're not going to tune in. I think just in the past like six weeks, people are just giving up on the idea of TV spoilers.

And I think it's OK now. Yeah, they really did. They broke the wheel of spoilers. So Barstool DVR will be coming at you. And, yeah, we'll probably be talking about some episodes that you haven't seen yet. Or, you know, I'm not going to openly spoil things. But we're going to do some TV talk. So, if you're subscribed, stay subscribed.

And if not, go check out the Game of Stools podcast on iTunes now. And get into some TV talk with us. Let's do our voicemails now. They're brought to you by Ali. Unfortunately, Stella, king of the toys, is not doing so hot right now. Renee and Dave's dog. She is in

she's old and she's in a little bit of bad shape. So send your positive vibes to send their send your positive vibes their way. They need all the help they can get. And she is doing better. Is she doing better? I got nervous because she is very old and she's been through a lot with those guys

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Hey, guys. I was listening to a few episodes back and you talked about a guy who knew to guy like sit around to his friends but I just want to let you guys know in a little secret if you're sending a dick take or new pick to a girl there's a 100% chance that take is going to end up in a group chat or sit amongst friends um or like if you on snapchat it'll be like sent to a group chat on snapchat like i've seen so many of my friends boyfriends like dicks just like send to our group chat and like chat about it so um i don't really think it's that weird we've like hung out with them like i don't know if the guys know or not

but just wanted to let you know there's a huge chance that if you send a new to a girl they'll end up um at least with a few of our friends saying it see now there are a few things here one i i totally understand that with like nobody's like there's a hookup or like like just someone like you're texting with i get that the the initial caller was his girlfriend, right? Yep. I think that's very different. So why? I would never send my girlfriend...

I mean, is nothing sacred anymore? By the way, I would never send... You want to show it to me? I think it's very different than giving possession to another person for them to do whatever you want. Because then don't fucking come crying when that ends up in the wrong hands or gets posted somewhere publicly

because everybody always has... This happens with secrets this happens with nudes everybody always has like one person they think they can tell right but that person has one person they think they can tell and everybody has you know a person that they think can can hold the secret who obviously naturally doesn't especially if you're sending it to uh well maybe not nudes but if someone has like a wife or a significant other who they like live with that's coming out a hundred times out of a hundred uh so you know go all right go ahead like you you want to do that fine but uh you know it's the golden rule like do one to others right do do to those nudes what you hope has done to your nudes i i like i i think i've i've i've definitely shown like hookups other people but but girlfriends, I would... No.

If you're going to be around those people, that's fucked. You know what I mean? If you're both going to be together. Yeah. You're going to go on double dates with someone, and that person's seen your girlfriend's asshole. Come on. That's fucked up. That's ridiculous.

Is there nothing sacred? That's for me. That's my... Yeah. She specified. I was going to say, yeah, we know, but she specified. Your girlfriend's blah, blah, blah. She's sending it to all her friends.

I don't think guys do that. No. Not my guy friends. I've never seen any of my guy friends' girlfriends. Their girlfriends? Hell no. Never. A random hookup?

Even that doesn't get texted to me. It's just like, here, look at this guy. That's just reckless like i'm not even like doing that out of respect for the girl that's just i mean i guess i ultimately am but it's more like you know if i send this to you like who knows who's going to end up with it that's just like dangerous but just having respect for the the person like who's going to have to see you or talk to you or whatever i mean, theoretically, it's the person you respect most. Right. Theoretically.

Why would you show them their barest self to anybody? You know, and girls want to do it. I'm keeping it for me. Yeah. You didn't earn that shit. I was going to say, I deal with a lot of shit hard for that fucking titty pic. Like, well, I'll fucking send you my fucking paycheck. That's what it basically is. I'm sending you my fucking paycheck but that that's that's

what it basically am i'm sending you my paycheck i'm working hard i put fucking effort this took me two weeks i hopefully i get these a couple times a month and that uh it's it's it's up to you girls you want to like all right like you want to play that game be careful i'm gonna send it around and also i would hope by the way that you're really only doing it especially if it's a boyfriend or girlfriend with people who are gonna be seen I hope you're doing it with like good pictures well I mean you were just like hey guys here's a group chat look at my boyfriend's like shitty dick like come on man you know that I mean that's that ultimately is insulting you yeah like this is the dick you fuck come on yeah it's like you look bad I look bad your friends are all laughing behind behind our backs now.

What you're doing is... You fuck that dick. You're just dropping a new kind of relationship. If it's a bad dick, you're just like, all right, well, I'm going to ruin this one. And then that person doesn't know. To the point where I decide this is over. If I didn't know every time I get together

that all the girls are like, hey, what's up, tiny dick? Like, God, man, that's fucked. So, all right, girls, 100% chance. Sure, you can go do you. Yo, what's up, boys? First time on all that stuff. I'm in a tough spot.

So I dated a girl for a couple years, and we got pretty intimate a lot, and she had a thing for recording so we broke up two days ago and immediately after a group text was sent around including sent to myself and all of my direct family it was a sex tape of us her Her face blurred. Holy shit. But what the fuck do I do? My whole immediate family saw this and on Saturday we've got

my granddad's 80th birthday so everyone's going to be across from me. How do I look my grandma in the eyes? I mean it was a long video. I got to show off some stamina but fuck. Dude. Help me out. I mean this is perfect timing on the last question. I mean that is I said this on CCK. I think to show off some stamina, but fuck. Help me out. This is perfect timing on the last question.

I said this on CCK. I think revenge porn should be punishable by death or at least 100 years in prison. It's so fucking vindictive. You've got to be a sick pup to send a grandma and grandpa sex tape of anybody, let alone their grandson. That's some dark shit, man.

You want me to stop this? Why does your girlfriend have your immediate family's grandson. That is some dark shit, man. You want me to stop this? Why does your girlfriend have your immediate family's contact information? Yeah, especially grandma and grandpa. They don't either. If your girlfriend's like, your ex-girlfriend's like, can I have your man's email? You're like, uh, no.

I don't think I want to give that to you. I can see brothers and sisters. You hang out. That makes sense. I think even parents is a little weird. Until you're really serious. I have my best friend's parents' numbers, but not people I've dated. I think once I got married,

I had contacts, but that's pretty late in the game. You have children. That's different. Why do you ever need to talk to your girlfriend's parents? Your father. Yeah. Like, that kind of shit is weird.

But. My buddy's sister just got, like, her boyfriend is thinking about proposing. And, like, he still has to text my buddy. Like, can I have your dad's number? So, like, even at that stage. Yeah. Right. You still don't have their contact info. But, you know, things like that do happen where it's like, I'm planning a surprise party for her.

And, like, I need to talk to her mom sort of thing like eventually along the way if you date someone long enough there will be reasons why you might accumulate some numbers uh but you would hope that by the time that all that shit happens that you're at a point where you wouldn't be like but i don't know see that's what that's why i get so fucked up with this stuff it's like in general with relationships the longer you're with someone the worse the breakup is the more vindictive people get you know what i mean yeah so it's like if you were to break up with someone after two weeks you'd be like all right whatever fine but the person that you fall in love with and dedicate most of your life to and theoretically would be like you know the nicest to when the breakup goes

down you you you use everything you've got against them to hurt them as much as you can even though that's the person you grew to be involved with the most. Yeah, I mean, it's passion, right? Yeah. Anytime passion's involved, things are, you know, innocents might die because the bell rang. Right, right, right. I mean, yeah, this chick went and rent you cars

on the whole fucking city, burning innocent grandmas with... Like, does grandma know how to open a fucking... I wouldn't be worried about my grandma. ...MOV file? I don't think my grandparents would even... I mean, they're fucking dead as shit. But if they were alive, I don't think my grandparents would even I mean, they're fucking dead as shit. But if they were alive, I don't think my grandparents would even understand that they're watching a sex tape of their grandson fucking because I don't think they get that people can just prop up a phone film you smashing.

You know what I mean? Like unless it was like zooming in on the face, like, look, this is your grandson. I don't think I'd be worried about the grandparents, like the siblings, your sister, your mom. Like that shit is fucked. But I mean, yes, I mean, it's fucked, that shit is fucked. Yes, it's fucked. The scenario is fucked. But even them, it's almost like what Dave posted, the howitzer pic. If you think of it that way, that's on you.

If you watched this video, that's on you. You should be able to tell very quickly. That ultimately was my, I don't think your family is going to watch. I hope they don't. If it's out to friends and the general public, that's worse. There's a good answer to that question for you. Would you rather like your ex-girlfriend leak a sex tape to your family or to strangers? I think it's family

100%. Because they aren't going to watch it. Right, and it's not going to, you know, strangers will have a field day with it for fun because they don't give a fuck. Your family is going to rally for you, they're going to hate her even more, and they're probably not going to watch you like, fuck, because that's some weird incest shit. I guess you're're right my gut was going to say strangers but yeah you're probably right now we're also you also just don't care about like your sex tape being out there but

if you're like a regular ass person with a normal job there's no sex tape by the way what i don't have a sex tape right well yeah i meant your theoretical yeah tape. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we'll go with. So don't go looking. But, I mean, God, that is just some. And she blurred her face out, which is like real special. I don't know how you do it. What is she, fucking proficient in Photoshop? How do you blur a face out of a video? Seriously.

That's a lot of effort. Good for them. That's one of those things. You know how Thomas Jefferson said you take 10 seconds, take 10 deep breaths. And you still want to do it. Yeah. Like, that's one of those things like you know thomas jefferson said you take 10 10 seconds take 10 deep breaths and then if you still want to do it yeah like that's hours you guys sit there and photoshop after effects upload it with this guy you killed her mom how are you this mad what could he possibly have done to make you so mad that you spent hours and hours in the lab i do think that that that backfires though like i feel like you're that you're trash

and i think that i think almost everyone almost everyone recognizes again unless you killed your mom but yeah you have to have a real good reason because otherwise i think like they're not going to watch it and if they if you know their reactions gonna be like all right well you know so my son was having like an intimate moment and uh you know you violated that trust because you're a piece of fucking trash and so like mission accomplished what what what i do respect the move in the sense that it's like you're burning bridges you're burning you burn the ships we're never going back no there's yeah there's no there's no uh war sometimes backsliding into that relationship you need to do that in a breakup would you if someone did that to you well would you go revenge back i thought about that

because you especially with revenge porn because it's like usually you'll probably have your own right it's not like usually one person has the video right like you could probably drop a version with your face blurred out if you wanted to yeah no i mean i just like i i really just don't i don't have care i don't have to care for it and i think that's a problem that's something i should see someone about and work work on but like i just know i think that's i think that's the the better way to i don't think you need to work on that i think caring is good sometimes well but i don't think caring enough to the point that you would like want to seek your own revenge i think the reaction will be you look trashy and i'm not gonna like return i'm not gonna act in kind but it is a real fucked up move it's just like whether or not it works

whether or not you know the family's horrified or like i said maybe what is the family you're getting mad you had sex right that's what i mean but like yeah so chances are i think it's gonna like backfire but even if it doesn't uh it's just you gotta be a real dark person imagine just people break up people do horrible things i you know i cheated you cheated he cheated bad shit can happen but like just move on with your life that's always the best revenge right show? Show me your new hot boyfriend. Make a sex date with him and send that to my family. Imagine it was a very strict Catholic upbringing, and then he got kicked out of the house for it or something like that,

or excommunicated from the family. Well, see, then I respect that. If she knows, like, wow, this is a born-again Christian family, he's not supposed to be having sex at all, and we're like, here's a video of us doing anal. That's okay. Actually, that would be better. It would be vaginal. Here's us video of us doing anal. That's okay. Actually, that would be better.

Here's us doing some missionary vaginal without a condom, come inside, use sex, and watch your preacher parents lose their minds. Here's us planning an abortion. Oh, abortion's funny. What's going on, KFC? Fight. I got a would you rather we've been talking about with my friends.

We want to get your opinion. So would you rather all your portable electronics have a never ending battery for the rest of your life? Or would you rather have a one week? Sorry, would you rather have a two week free vacation for you and a plus one every five years anywhere you want so you don't have to spend any of your money the worst would you rather ever i mean clearly battery right clearly battery i was gonna say if you're on the other side of this i mean you need to make the the travel thing like every five years it needs to be every like month or something like that like i need an insane amount permanent vacation do you know that's what having a full battery is yeah permanent vacation i can escape

my life whenever i want by going on this phone even you can give me a free vacation once a month maybe even once a week maybe even forever i still might take the battery i think i am i mean i i actually i scared myself the other day i have uh, I bought three chargers in about like a two week span at grand central for my phone. I keep like, usually I charge my, you know, we,

we mean John have old phones apparently. And, uh, still have the home button on her iPhone. Yeah. Producer cam. That wasn't on you. Point that thing at you.

The whole thing is that it's supposed to be pointed at you. So you get those faces. What the fuck? Uh, I, you know, usually make sure when I leave here that I've charged up, and I didn't. So I was facing the walk to the train, the train ride home, and the walk to my house with, I think I had single-digit batteries. And it was, I mean, I didn't do it.

I went to Grand Central. I bought yet another charger, and I found the plug on Metro North. I can't anymore. Like, I literally can't i realized this i scared myself like i am being stimulated 100 of my awake hours now i have actually i am changing a bit i know you're such a i'm working on changing the um it's you know it's it's long been known now that i don't respond to text before like noon um and uh but with my phone's fucked up right now because like it doesn't it's like hard to get the charger in so it's still like right like right now i'm on two percent and uh i've been chasing the charge for like chasing the

high like like two weeks now i don't know when last time i was at 100 i don't know when last time i had one percent green battery is the name of your action movie but like chasing a charge is the sequel and uh but one thing i've learned is and i've been doing it more since it accidentally happened which is my phone was just dead for a day um is part of the phone that that it's not the stimulation is like the worst part i don't think i think it's the narcissistic tendencies it puts in your mind where i am so important to everything everyone must be able to contact me my take you have to see my picture yeah like not with work yes and then also just with like friends and and everything where you're like i need to be available i'm so important i that that that for me it's that I can't... Commutes used to bother me.

My commute now could be two and a half hours long. It wouldn't bother me anymore. Because what am I going to do when I get home? I'm going to sit on my phone. To me, it's that I can't just be alone with my own thoughts anymore. My train home is 26 minutes. And I was like, I'll go

buy another $35 charger. Because I can't possibly sit on that train for nearly half an hour with nothing but my thoughts. I mean, I literally, I was like, this is not an option. I bought some headphones and I bought a charger because I was like, I just need to be stimulated. I know what you're saying. It's actually very freeing to realize that the world goes on without you. No, that. Someone can not be able to

comment it's like we all have like like triangles and like the and like the the pig pig calls like you have to come in and it's like you get that in your pocket you know someone's out to me they don't really even if you don't talk to them back for a day it's fucking fine i get the phantom buzz is spinning without you or i'm convinced someone is trying to reach me and then there's not and that's true narcissism. It's like your body is now feeling vibrations that aren't there because someone must be contacting me. It has to be.

Your job isn't important. If you don't reply to a work email, it's okay. Yeah. But you know what? Everything is going to be fine. Not replying to people, I guess more so in relationships. I think about like that, like, oh, I'll get back to you tomorrow. Like not in this world anymore.

I, I, I, yes yes good for you to hold strong there but i mean yeah i don't think most people have that that slack i think if like anything you have to wean off yeah like i'll reply in an hour i'll reply in two hours and then and i do think it's i think it's very healthy and like it's like it's like it's like a change in your worldview where like i don't everyone doesn't need to hear from me at all i think the like the old ball and chain uh you know uh joke is kind of like played out or or overblown but if you establish like certain text uh regularity it really does become that yeah because it's like it you know if you always if you reply to this girl or guy every single time they text,

then, you know, the one time you don't, it's like, well, what's going on? You know, where are you?

Why? Something must be wrong or you're out or you're cheating or something must be crazy because you always write back like pretty quickly. And, and that's where I, you almost do. I hate like playing the games, but I think it's smart.

Like if you're starting with someone now, French friends work like bosses, whatever it may be, don't reply right away because you set a precedent that you can't live up to. I remember even with Erica, the thing she got in trouble for, where it was like, I'll text people in off hours and see if they reply within three hours. When I read that, people were mad that she just even did it. I was like, you have three hours? That was the lead to me. That was the big news. you have three hours? Right. That was the lead to me. Right.

That was the big news. You get three hours to reply? And I started being like, look, I'm not available today. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. Which is crazy, though. I mean, it shouldn't be, but it is. It's just like, maybe tomorrow.

Today's my day. Yeah. You're going to get fired. But still, well, just to be clear, it would be Erica is still an immediate reply. And Dave's still an immediate reply. You've got to pick the people who you immediately reply to. But largely speaking, the world just doesn't need me. It just doesn't.

It doesn't need me. It doesn't need you. It doesn't need you, person listening. Self-awareness on $100,000 trillion. But still, I'm taking the charge of that's that's just like i don't feel like getting up to charge my stuff that's all i'm saving i'm not like everyone needs to contact me like i just i just don't have a charge plus you can you know you can watch porn on your phone whenever you want yeah don't worry about it uh speaking of uh my our our uh

pornhub premium account you remember you remember this whole story right friend i got my pornhub premium i have since shared it with john and yp right so you'd say what maybe six months uh i don't even think that long less three months yeah what happened how many videos there's a counter oh jesus i i looked at our profile because it said we unlocked a achievement when you're a pornhub premium member you get these like boy scout badges almost right and i'm pretty sure i'm the one who did this because i logged in on my phone it said like it's actually clever it said like you got a handy it was like you're using a hands-free device or whatever you know uh oh my god how much so so i'm looking at like our profile page as we unlock achievements how many videos do you think we

watched in a couple months um don't don't overblow it i don't want you to you know that's always the worst thing like how long are we talking though like three months i think a thousand eleven hundred eleven hundred forty i'm a little worried that i kind of nailed that i'm doing this i have to multiply it by three and i knew exactly how to get it yeah that was concerning it's like on average like a well and and i, YP immediately texted back to the group like, I'm sorry, fellas. Like, that's on me. Oh, man. Porn.

It's funny. Well, last voicemail of the day, right? Yeah. Brought to you by HelloFresh. HelloFresh. It makes conquering your kitchen a reality. Because when I walk into the kitchen, I'm just looking at the pots and pans, looking at the stove, the oven.

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Go to hellofresh.com slash KFC 80. What's up guys. So I've been going out with this girl for like five or six days. I thought it was hot, but she said a birthday in the city. She brought 17 single girls. So I mean, all my hottest friends. So I bring all my boys. And then we get there and all the girls are gross.

Every single one of her friends is like a fortified swamp donkey. And now I find her way less attractive. All my friends are mad at me. And so what do you guys think? Is the girl with hot with the gross friends that you're less hot? Wait, what? Does the girl with hot friends make her less hot? Oh, oh, man.

The girl with not hot friends. I have been preaching the ugly friend factor, the UFF. Brent, how long have we been doing that? That's for sure not. That feels like for sure not. I mean, that is a nine. That's at least 10 years old for us. The ugly friend factor.

I mean, if I was a hot hot chick this is what i would do you surround yourself with ugly people and you are the king of the castle so i do you're on this room but he's saying it's working i know the opposite he's saying that it's making her less hot because her friends are ugly i mean i get the idea that like hot chicks roll together and so like when you see just a crew of bad bitches walk in, that it's just like, oh, yeah, okay, these girls are where it's at. But I don't know. I'm not going to look at an ugly girl and be like, well, you're ugly too because she is. Are you a hot girl?

No. If you have an ugly friend, I'm not going to be like, oh, your friend's ugly, so now you're ugly too. You're hot, and I'm probably in the moment going to be thinking you're even hotter because look at what she's being compared to yeah now it sucks if you're trying to throw a party and bring all your friends and hey like they might not like her as much being like oh yeah stacy always brings smokes around and we like have sex with all them like that's that that means your girlfriend is just your friends are gonna love her she's awesome but doesn't make her less hot come on now now. Yeah, I mean, that's an outrageous accusation.

Attractive people are attractive. Non-attractive people are not attractive. And attractive people get more attractive when they're surrounded by others. If you're that concerned with what your friends think, then I guess in that way, your friends not liking her can manifest to you not seeing her with that glow anymore. But that girl's symmetrical face is still a symmetrical face. No doubt. That girl's ass is still that girl's ass.

I mean, if you bring a bunch of hot chicks around, you're a candle in the sun. You bring a bunch of fucking donkeys around, it's like a candle burning in a dark, dark cave. You are the hottest shit there is. But yeah, I guess if you consider attractiveness part of the package is that your friends love when she comes around.

That tweet you had last night about Jon Snow being like boy is he stuck in a no I swear she's usually cooler than this I mean that is like he's just giving the reasons for everything like she's our friend man and like it doesn't matter dude she just fucking just smashed a bottle of smear off in the middle and tried to stab you with it like yeah dude like but like she never does that i swear i had a tough day at work man she's not usually like that yeah i mean that that's definitely part of attractiveness but no if a hot girl is around ugly girls she's still hot that's just the fucking fact that's that's the the most that's a universal rule right there um all right so let's get into these interviews first off patten oswalt first time uh for him on the show he's boys with glenn howerton

now from ap bio he's in secret life of pets 2 and uh i mean you know one of the most accomplished guys in the game out there today so a big uh a big accomplishment for kfc radio here having him on today's uh this interview is brought to you by light stream are your credit card bills keeping you up at night interest rates in the double digits you owe money like coming out of your ass shout out to that guy who's paying off all those student loans yeah that's awesome if you don't have someone in your life like that guy who's just paying off all your bills you need light stream by the way if i if i was rich i'd just start turning down those offers now if you want to be the guest speaker at graduation no no no i don't know what to expect

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Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Fuck, man. Should have failed a couple classes and stayed back. Right, or like someone who graduated early or something like that. Like, boy, that was a misstep.

Yeah. Oh, imagine that. You're an overachiever. You took a couple summer courses. You graduated a semester early. You lose out on $200,000. So if you've got to pay off your bills like everybody else, like all the normal people who don't hit the lottery of commencement speakers,

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Patton Oswalt, talk to him. All right, we got Patton Oswalt here. Not impressed? You've got a hole to dig out of? Here we go. Your first, what? Secret Life of Pets 2. We're here at the Hotel Mandarin.

Patton Oswalt, his first appearance on KC Radio, which is just another notch in your belt, Patton. Congratulations. It really is, yes. Out of everything else you've done. Next year. Thank you. It's good to be up on the next year.

Woo! I was going to say, how does it feel? It's a little thinner up here. Food tastes better. The girls are prettier? It's a little thinner up here. Food tastes better. The girls are prettier. It's just a whole new world. Could we be in a bigger, emptier conference? It's crazy.

It's very dark. Yes. Did the world end outside and we're just taking over? We don't have lights on. Yeah, I know. Ugh. Yeah, it's not great. It's a very strange setting.

Yeah. We always do a series of crazy hypothetical questions on this podcast that often involve animals. So we figured Secret Life of Pets 2 would be a better time to pose some of the questions to you. Okay. And one of the classics we do is if you were to travel back into the Civil War, would you rather have at your disposal, you are a Civil War general. Okay. Would you rather have a modern tank or a Tyrannosaurus Rex that you can control? Damn. I can control him mentally yeah what side am i i assume i'm fighting for the union yeah i mean it's up to you but i

hope yeah yeah my god it's like wait a minute um we'll leave it up to you but uh i you know what i would do i would pick the tyrannosaurus rex only because um it's uh you know you can still feed them meat and keep him going. The tank, I don't know how much petrol they had back then and how much ammo. And also, a lot of these Southerners were very, very Bible-fearing, and I could say that this was weird, like Jesus sent this thing, or we know what I would do. I would dress him up like he's a weird demon from hell, And then they would think that I was this avenging angel thing. Or I would just play off all that biblical stuff.

I don't know how much dressing up. You got to do. Yeah, exactly. It's like a goddamn add little wings or something or like or like little a little tail. No, he has a tail. I give him up, put a little pitchfork in one of his hands. That'll do it. Not, you know, the gigantic animal.

It'll just be like, am I riding on a like a T-Rex or a velociraptor? he's got a pitchfork. Am I riding on a T-Rex or a Velociraptor? No, you're a T-Rex. Yeah, I want a T-Rex. Basically, you're Danny. You're on Drogon style. Exactly. One of his little tiny arms, you'd have a little pitchfork. And they'd be like, oh, no.

Whoa. Must be from hell. He's riding the devil. Yeah. I think that you're not having the right artillery or fuel with the tank. Most people answer tank, but they don't think it's through. See? It'd be good for whatever.

Like one hour as you're driving around, a few shots, and then you're like, oh, great. Meanwhile, T-Rex comes over the hill. These guys lay down. You roll up with that. You roll up with that. I mean. It's over. I don't even think there's a fight.

It's just like, oh, we lay down. Well, we're done. This is over. Now, are you a Game of Thrones fan? Yes. Yeah, I watch. So, I mean, when does, we lay down. Well, we're done. This is over. Now, are you a Game of Thrones fan? Yes. So, I mean, when does this get broadcast? This will be tomorrow. Okay, well, I mean, I don't know how many, again, the spoiler culture, I understand

how many rip Game of Thrones fans. I went on Jimmy Kimmel last week, it's like a month after Endgame came out, so I mentioned who dies, and people were like, oh my God! How do you, I'm like, dude, it's on you. it yeah if you're that upset you had a month should have seen it yeah tell television in particular if you're a thrones fan and you weren't watching the season finale right the series finale last night then you

deserve to be spoiled i like there was a cool little thing that they did i don't think a lot of people picked up on it or maybe they didn't interpret it the way that i did but the scene at the end when they're all sitting around the table planning on how to rebuild King's Landing and they're talking about, well, maybe we get some cleaner water, maybe better sanitation. Some brothels. But that is actually how a city, that's the world you want to live in. I know you think you want to live in the world where you're fighting the White Walkers and battling dragons, but that would be terrifying. Well, that's the world I want to live in. That's not the world I you're fighting the white walkers and battling dragons but that would be terrifying well that's the world i want to live in that's not the world i want to watch

no exactly again and everyone can't because i was saying like this is a little thing about here's what you want to live in and they're like oh but that'd be the most boring show ever i'm like i just said yeah it's versus what you want so like people in the future are gonna love reading about the era that we're living in now because it'll be fascinating but not fun for us to be living in it it actually sucks so you know you actually want government banking all that stuff police work should be boring that means that your society is doing well and is advanced when all that stuff is boring when it's dramatic and crazy and exciting me oh it means because we're falling apart yeah right well one of the other projects we've been on uh veep which just wrapped up as well oh my god capturing all

that chaos uh i mean perfect example right where we yeah more so on any other show when people say life imitates art or art imitates life whichever way it is on that show uh but do you feel that the i mean veep is so brilliant it's been around for many years now and and the finale they had their own finale. And I feel like it kind of got overshadowed by Game of Thrones. What was it like as that show wrapped up? Because it's one of the most brilliant comedies ever. First off, everything got overshadowed by Game of Thrones. I don't even think they showed a new episode of Billions last night.

They went, oh, they just said forget it. Oh, did they really? I didn't know that. And also, like, the show Barry had its season finale. I don't know if you guys are watching Barry. Barry's unbelievable. Oh, my God. the show Barry had its season finale I don't know if you guys are watching Barry oh my god I think episode per episode this season

has been ridiculous the episode the first one that Bill Hader directed this season the going on the hit to talk the guy out of doing it was one of the best directed half hours I've ever seen in my life and then to end on the cliffhanger they did last week and then

make it even bigger and crazier then to end on the cliffhanger they did last week and then make it even bigger and crazier at the end of the season. This was one of the best episodes. And in terms of like, especially all these people that are like, you know, I like, well,

if you like John wick, you will definitely like the final episode of Barry because he outwits John wick. He just goes nuts. So yeah, that, that kind of, um,

but you know, game of Thrones, eight seasons of storytelling, multiple characters, that's not easy. And no, not all of the episodes are going to be perfect, but it goes back to that line on The Simpsons when

he's like, the episode last night I feel like they owe me an apology. They've given you years of entertainment for free. Worst episode ever. The entitlement is so sad. What did you think of the petition? Did you see the petition? Over like 600,000 people.

Same thing. I feel the same way as the one about The Last Jedi. Please, please get that funded. I want to see what you make. It's going to be the funniest, saddest thing. It's going to be a bunch of dudes in their backyard with swords they ordered from Toscano Design waving them around while a docking song plays.

Oh, yeah, please. And it's happening again right now. I think this is going to be a new hot trend and it's the stupidest thing in the world, but it's happening again right now with Robert Pattinson as Batman. They're trying to get DC to take that idea back. But what's their alternative?

Yeah, and like why, you know, who knows? I think Pattinson's a great actor. I think people remember the Twilight guy, but he's incredible. They remember Twilight because he had like, that's how he got through. They have not seen Good Time. Right. He is an amazing actor. And this new one,

The Lighthouse is supposed to be incredible. The one that just premiered up at Cannes. The guy that made The Witch. It's his follow-up. It's Cannes. I've always said Cannes. I always said Cannes, too.

Actually, I always said Cannes up until like two hours ago. I talked to Peter Travers. He's like, it's Cannes. See, everybody's got someone ahead of them. So it's okay. It's okay.

But yeah, Robert Pattinson is a good actor who happened to be stuck in some really crappy films. It's not his fault. You got to make a living. For Heath Ledger. Yeah. There was.

I believe it. And he ended up being one of the best. Not a petition, but I think he faced a ton of bad times. If I were DC, here's what I would do. I would remove Robert Pattinson and then I would put RuPaul in. And then I would shut down all of their websites so there's no way to contact them and then just go ahead and do it that was that's what I would do again all these people that are like I demand that my entertainment be specifically designed to what I

I will tell you what I want and you paired it back to me that is literally not how it works the whole reason you open a novel watch a movie is because you don't know what you're going to get that's the fun of it but imagine going to a movie's going i need this scene this scene and this scene here's 20 to just give that right back to me i don't that's so unentertaining i i don't think that i i don't want i'm fine with the show going something i didn't want to do i did i thought thrones fell short in some of like the explanation of why they did that they definitely rushed i mean that the six episodes is tough that i don't understand why those um as a writer and hbo i think would have been happy to give them 10 episodes maybe they

wouldn't i don't know but they got star wars looming yeah they got a big project coming next yeah like okay fine but i mean then bring in other writers to work with you because but take the time you you did such amazing work setting up all of these amazing threads. We'll stick with you. Is there any, if you were an actor on that show or any show, and you feel like the writers are maybe rushing or doing something that you would not, as an actor, are you just kind of like, well, I just got to act what's given to me, or do you speak up about that? I mean, you can give whatever notes you can. A lot of times, though, the realities of making these things, especially if they have decided it is six episodes,

we must have these sets wrapped and broken by a certain day. So as an actor at that point, once that massive machinery is rolling, you are the tiniest little piping voice in the middle of a steamship churning forward. Right. We just mentioned Star Wars, and I wanted to ask you about it real quick. Parks and Rec. From what I've heard, you did a filibuster for 45 minutes straight. No.

See, this is like in Braveheart. I heard it's eight minutes long, but every time people do it, I heard you spoke for three weeks straight. You never defecated. No. I was on the set, and the whole scene was I'm supposed to start filibustering. It was like for ten seconds. Like start talking about whatever you want to talk about, and then the joke will be we'll cut away from you because clearly you're going to be talking for hours. But then for the first take, the director said, let's not yell cut and see how long he talks.

And I talked for eight minutes about what I thought the Star Wars sequel should be. And it was all out of, it was creativity that came from panic of being fired because I thought and still think Parks and Rec is one of the best sitcoms ever on TV, just writing-wise, directing-wise. So the fact that they had hired me to be on it, and I'm like, I so don't want to fuck this up.

I want to do really, really well. So there's a, apparently there's fight or flight, or the third choice, which is trivia dump. Because I was so frightened that I just dumped everything out of my head on the spot. And now it's become this weird, like, as with all the Disney mergers and marvel and everything else you know people maybe there will be one day some massive super work that comes out that combines every mythology and realm and does it in a way that i

mean you know alan moore attempted it with the actual league of extraordinary men comics if you read the comics he literally tries to work in everything and make it all make sense. After a while, it gets a little crazy, but he literally works in Harry Potter. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. If you read the later ones, read The Black Dossier and Century,

where he takes you through the 1900s, the 1960s, and then today, it's insane. It's pretty cool how it's all gone mainstream in a way. Like, you know, what people would define as like the quote unquote nerd culture. But pop culture is now culture. Right. Pop culture is becoming shorthand for how we communicate with each other. We use phrases from movies and comic books.

And I mean, we had Dick Cheney going, well, we got to go to the dark side on this. Like all of this, which used to be very exotic pop culture, nerd lore is just part of the regular conversation. Even though, do you find as someone who I think you would, you're more in that realm. Do you, do you kind of find it like, like you're an indie fan? Like you wish it wasn't as popular. You wish it was more niche and more yours. You feel like you lost your baby. I did. I absolutely did when I was in my 20s.

I have so gotten over that. If there's a way for the people that busted their asses to get this stuff more widely appreciated, to actually make some money so they can live in some comfort after they've spent years creating this stuff from scratch, I would say good. Good. I'm very, very happy for it. Because, again, if anything, if all of that becomes mainstream and becomes absorbed and becomes commercialized, there will be, which we can't see yet because it's happening out of sight right now in some little apartment building, there will be a pushback and something even newer and cooler will rise up.

Go ahead. I was going to say, I thought even just from this season of thrones so many people binged it so they didn't so i'm like no you understand i spent eight years doing like the deep dives on theories and stuff like that like i and they're like yeah this is still entertaining and and people that are yeah and people that are upset with how it ended well some of them not all of them a lot of them will just bitch on the internet. But somebody will go, I'm trying to make a better version.

I mean, look, people forget that most of Quentin Tarantino's career, his scripts came from, he was in acting class and he would do these scenes and he was like, why didn't this scene go this way? So he started writing his own scenes to do. This would be so much more interesting to do. And then that, that you know it was out of dissatisfaction with what was already out

there a lot of classic movie scenes too and star wars came from george lucas being a frustrated nerd what growing up in this stuff and going ah but they didn't do that right or they didn't go all the way with this why didn't and then that's how we got star wars yeah i mean i feel like as i've complained people been like well what's your idea? And I'm like, well, I don't have one. But somebody will. So we're going to let you go. Last question before we let you leave. The weirdest pet someone can own.

Secret Life pets too, again, out this weekend. What pet can someone have where you say, not a bad person? Isn't there a football player who literally owns sharks and has them in his house has like open shark tanks i would imagine i don't know for sure kids yeah running around the house yeah like so any kind of i i remember i was i was at a i went to an after party after a a gig that i did

in in wichita and a guy had a dog that was like mostly a wolf and it was so clearly not had not been domesticated and he loved the fact that he was so frightening like it was it was anyone who owns a pet so they can own it at people like hey this thing's really dangerous like well then don't own it or don't have it around me you're just trying to make yourself seem more dangerous or interesting or like um you know the the hipster who walks around with a cockatoo on his shoulder. You're not interesting. Don't put that animal through this. Thank you very much. Thank you so much, Patton.

Thanks, guys. Thank you. All right. Pleasure to meet you. Thank you so much. All right. Big thank you to Patton. We're now getting into things with our guy, Brendan Schaub,

who is, I mean, a goddamn inspiration to anybody who is, like, new to the internet content stand-up comedy game. This dude just decided to do it, put his mind to it after a fight after a career in mma and he got himself on stage with showtime so not a bad run for your boy shop did it in a very uh small amount of time and uh he's got like a gucci shirt and a rolex if you see him on answer the internet i think probably thursday oh my god none of the money questions apparently crazy rich inan Schaub is apparently crazy rich. I was like, yo, $10,000. Nah, I'm rich. $100,000. Nah, a million. Nah, I'm good.

Are you? Shit! How fucking good can you possibly be? You just turned down like a jillion dollars. So Schaub is killing it. He's got a lot of different things going on in his career. Theo Vaughn and Brian Callen and the whole like. Let's talk to Brennan Schaub about it. Big Brown on KFC Radio. like so let's talk to Brennan Schaub about a big brown on KFC Radio

alright we got your boy Brennan Schaub is gracing the new studio for the first time I love it man have you done this no you haven't last time I came here I did your did answer the internet yeah the answer to the internet

have you done KFC Radio before I don't know I've never we did answer the internet yeah I don't know have you done KFC radio before? has he done it with you? I don't know I've never we've never met we did answer the internet but I don't think we did yeah we've never done like a podcast together this is actually your first

KFC radio appearance it looks nice man this is where we really cut loose so say whatever the fuck you want let's do it guys let's do it because actually the reason I say that

is because I've been wait what? wait what? I've been watching you guys I've been watching you fucks you and Brian on Instagram. And it was something like maybe a couple weeks or a month ago.

I think like a song came on. He was trying to suck you out. He was trying to suck your dick. Yeah, I think it was ACDC. Whenever you heard ACDC, it triggers him. He's trying to suck hot. And they kept playing it. I was like, no, Brian, no.

No, no, no. And I was telling Jim, I'm like, don't play ACDC. And then Brian was like, oh, thank God. And then he played again, and his mouth started foaming. He came at me, no. No, no, no. I was telling Chum, like, don't play ACDC. And then Brian was like, oh, thank God. And then he played again and just his mouth started foaming. He came at me, dude. I was like, yeah,

this will fit the vibe here. We've done, like, your boner song, but not your dick sucking song. Yeah, that's a good question. I don't love my dick sucking song. What would be your song, your boner jam,

meaning if every single time you got an erection, it just started to play. So when it, you know, in the bedroom, fine, but you get a random boner at, like, the grocery market or some shit shit the song just pops on it has to be something that you don't hear a lot anymore so when it hits you know it's about to go it's

something you gotta do something that's not cool anymore like who let the dog go like something real old school. That's not cool. I'll tell you what. Every time the girls start hearing that song, if they ever hear it again anywhere else, they'll be thinking about your cock. You'll own that. It's a monopoly.

Remember that song? The goddamn Mets used to play that shit like the seventh inning or whatever. Now I'd be thinking about his cock. That was my, when I was in a frat, that was my Hell Week song. We just played it. It was her Hell Week too. That makes sense. Seven days straight, just through was in a frat, that was my Hell Week song where they just played it. It was her Hell Week Tuesday.

That makes sense. Seven days straight just through the house the whole time. Oh my God. Yikes. That's some ISIS prison of war training.

Yeah, it's exactly what it was. That was the point. Just let me in the frat though, huh? We're just going to drink and be friends. Just let me in though, you know? Like, don't put me through this. I don't need to be waterboarded

and have your dick on my face to be in the club. What kind of club is this? I was lucky enough to not haveboarded and have your dick on my face to be in the club. What kind of club is this? I was lucky enough to not have to deal with that. Even the song had the reverse effect on me. I was the annoying kid. You were the one who was singing it anyway?

I was like, this song still fucking goes. Eventually you're like, who? We can't torture this kid. Not like my mind can. I've been torturing myself for 18 years. I'm going to get through this week just fine. But now they can't do it anymore, right? Because kids are dying. I mean, they'll still do it.

Well, kind of. We can't take it to that level anymore. I don't think anybody's getting their stuff up their butts anymore. No, I think most of that stuff is like urban. I don't want to be part of that. Were you in a frat too? Hell no. I mean, I went to the Fordham in the Bronx.

There was none of that. But if there was, say I went to one of those schools where it was like, you have to to if you want to have a social life like the millisecond that somebody was even like hey rookie get me a beer i'd be like i'm out guys i'll just go have no social life fuck that i don't do well with friends other ways like i'm not counting on you being a frat no i was on a football team so it's basically a frat yeah but i wasn't sucking any dick or jacking dudes off or like we weren't part of a clan you know that shit is no i was i was a frat guy for like a year and a half and then i was out i was like this is still

you had to like rush and shit yeah that was it i mean it wasn't bad because i've told the story before but i went i went to florida state and i played all right and hockey in florida terrible was there seven of you they were killed they were they were actually like drew the wayne gretzky down there exactly i had to sign autographs and shit they were like no black guys on skates no they were like they were like four people who had actual hockey training like they were like roller hockey guys but the guys in the frat thought that that was a d1 sport so they were like yo he's good he's they thought i was there was like the ej manuals like all right he's a big shot let's let him they were cool with you they were like i didn't have to do anything i was like guys come on i got practice tomorrow

that's cool they even have a rink in town. I've never had practice. That's different, though. Yeah, I mean, when you're alone, you're one of these losers who needs the friends. Like, yeah, you can fuck me, whatever. When you're treated like hockey royalty. Yeah, man, that's not my scene.

I never understood. I actually did less of the stuff once I was in. I hung out at the house more as a pledge. Once I was in, I was like, I actually don't even really like this at all. And then you got out? And then I was like, yeah, I'm done with this. I think I went to one party in like a year and a half. Are there still, what were you, Sigma Pi Alpha or whatever the fuck it's called?

So let's say Sigma Pi if that's a real one. Do the guys who graduated from that and they're like 40 now, do they still get together? I think it's like a big connection thing. You have your... A network? Yeah, you're a network. Do they still get together like beer bombs and shit? If you let someone put a thumb up your ass, I'm going to take advantage

of that for my whole life. You're going to give me an internship, motherfucker. 50 years later, I'm like, you're signing this deal. I made you come, pal. Listen, Terry, I know you have kids and shit shit but remember that time you jacked me off with your feet to get in this house you give me that business bro yeah i need the business yeah tell everybody uh how's the how's the you got the special out special drop friday friday and uh watch it on showtime for free go to showtime.com i mean showtime's no joke man yeah you know some people come through and they're like you can watch watch my special on like Watch it on Showtime for free. Go to Showtime.com. I mean, Showtime's no joke, man. Yeah.

You know, some people come through and they're like, you can watch my special on like Crackle.com. Showtime's no joke. Yeah, Showtime, legit, man. So wait, you got- How long was that coming for? What'd you say? How long was that coming for? Like, how long did that take you to like plan the special and also just like set up a deal? Probably a year and some change ago.

I showcased in a room for like Showtime Netflix how fucking nerve wracking is that I mean they were in the room you know and so

I don't know it was a typical show for me it wasn't really nerve wracking because I didn't think it was like they came to like a club yeah they came I thought it was like

in the room like this like do your act for us no no they're like at a show you know so they're probably there to see multiple people and then also

I would have been fine if I had to wait, you know? Like I'd been, if, I was in a huge rush. I mean, this is fast for a comic who started basically four years ago. That's why I asked. Yeah, so I was like, if it worked out, great. If not, and then for me, I need the validation from a Showtime or HBO or Netflix. Like, you know, obviously my fans and my space is in the digital space. That's where I pay my bills is in the digital space.

But to just, like you said, really sound like crack or some shit or just YouTube, people are like, oh, come on, dude. So I needed the validation from a showtime. So it's super important to me. I like how you're just cool with it. You were like a rich kid who had scouts in the stand. You're like, my dad will just pay it for you if I don't get a full scholarship. Don't worry, I'm fine.

My thing was like, oh, well, if I don't get a full scholarship don't worry I'm fine my thing was like oh well if they don't sign off on me now I'll just wait and I'm going to be even better a year from now or two years

or three years from now it's weird to have it this fast but when they were like yeah we're good I was like ooh I'm in are there people who resent you for that

if they are they're not very successful I'm sure but they're not doing shit they're probably not saying shit to you either they're not if Francis pops people are like fuck that kid fuck running a job I'm sure, but they're not doing shit. They're probably not saying shit to you either. They're not.

If Francis pops, you'll be like, fuck that kid. Fuck my job. Francis is funny. But the thing is, the guys who are actually doing shit, who are in the space, they know that I'm not their enemy. Because I have a Showtime special doesn't mean I took it away from you. You got to step your game up, man. Right. You can have one also. There's plenty of nights to play a comedy show. And you can go anywhere.

There's a million bringing in specials now. It's funny that you say that. It's not me, man. Because I've been talking to Andrew Schultz a lot. That's my guy. Yeah, we've been talking about how you guys on the West Coast do it so right. The exact dynamic you just described where it's like you're not enemies. It's not like I'm taking away stage time for you or downloads from you or whatever.

But it's all because you guys are pretty successful. We have a comedy crew. Some people made money in movies and now they're doing podcasts or comedy. And everybody's got their own money, so you're good. So there's no reason to feel threatened. So you all just kind of build each other up. Help each other out. It's like the Avengers of comedy.

It is. It really is. I'm so fucking jealous of it because Schultz is the only guy I've come across here in New York that feels that way. And we're trying to, like, assemble more people. It's a toxic environment. Like, you know, Kevin Hart or Bill Burr, if you went, hey, that kid's been to a comedy for four years and got a special on Showtime. Like, damn, that's cool. They keep going.

They're not wasting their time on thinking how he'd do it. Why fashion me? They don't give a shit. They're so busy with what they – that's where I'm at. I'm at the point that if there are haters, I don't see them. Dude, so four years just in general for this shit. Yeah. I mean, forget about just the special.

You got... You're on E. Yeah. You got the fighter and the kid. You got the king and the sting. I mean, you're doing a lot for just four years. Yeah. And you're dumb, too, so it's crazy.

And your brains have been bashed in. And I have brain trauma. Why do you think I'm doing so much? CT's going to kick in now. That's the only reason I got a Showtime special. I went, listen. I was in tears. I went, I got three years, man.

Can I be honest? It was a make-a-wish thing. It was a make-a-wish thing. That's why they gave me the special. CT's going to kick in any day now. I took some punishment, man. I mean, it's an impressive resume resume if you had to pick one thing Stand up all day long

More so than podcasts I mean that's gotta be That's your everyday thing right What's paying the bills for you right now Mostly I have different Major sources of income I have several

I have several I barely're fucking. I have several, yeah. He's got a Ferrari. I barely have one revenue stream, and it's a stream going out most of the time. It's going out. It's going to other people. No, that's one thing I got from my dad and my brother is I'm pretty business savvy. So you have several different revenue streams. But the podcast, that's kind of my home base.

And then stand-up and touring, I wouldn't leave the road and leave my son if it wasn't you know beneficial financially how old your kid now he's three yeah so yeah so he knows like right now him him and wife here in hawaii while i'm out here doing all the work so he's soaking up the sun dad's not around but i'm in fucking hawaii, he's good. He's good. Yeah, but the podcast I love doing, I'd be super bummed out if I didn't do that anymore because what I do with Brian Callen and Theo Vaughn, like those are my boys. How'd you link up with Brian? With Brian, he was a coach on The Ultimate Fighter. I'm sorry.

They brought him in to make the kids laugh. I was the coach. I was a guest coach. And I was moving to L.A. And Brian did the show and then after started hanging out and i was a k-man i moved to la next week i don't know anyone and he was like oh here's my number hit me up for coffee so i moved there i didn't know anybody and i was like oh man what am i gonna do i fucked up and i text brian he takes back way too

fast or he's like creepy he's like sure where you at i'll pick you up like oh this guy's a weirdo he's definitely a psycho um then we then he picked me up he's like oh i, where you at? I'll pick you up. I'm like, oh, this guy's a weirdo. He's definitely a psycho. Then he picked me up. He was like, oh, I have a podcast. He has 17 listeners on at the time. And me and him got together. We had this weird chemistry. Was it just called The Kid?

It was called The Brian Cowan Show. And so it was just me and him, and we had this weird chemistry. He was like, dude, we shoot this every week. And we started in his garage, and the next thing you know, the thing blew up. That's how the good ones start, you know? And then he does a TV show called Schooled and he does goldbergs and shout out to brian school just got picked up for a second season so daddy's making money so he he when he

has his shooting schedule he misses the podcast a lot like during those six eight weeks so i'd have theo von fill in i mean theo have this different chemistry where we're roasting each other and roasting people and then we start our podcast. When Theo Vaughn's in the room, it's a different chemistry. I mean, he's different. I don't know what planet he's from, man. It's incredible. He is a savant.

He's one of the weirder, awesomer guests we've had. Absolutely. Weird in a great way. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's weird in a great way. But the thing is, I think Brian and him have helped me so much with my comedy because I have to hang with – I have to try to keep up. I'm like basically shooting with Steph Curry every day.

I got to hit some fucking shots every now and then, man. So trying to maintain that level of comedy. There's certain people who like every single thing that Theo Vaughn says to me, I laugh. He doesn't. He's not trying. He's just like, yo, yo man what's on the TV and I'm like there's some days when we do King of the Sting

where maybe I was doing stand up the night before I was out late and then I do a podcast the next day or interview or media and I come in kind of not focused

and I know me and him are going to roast each other and I'm like trying to come up with stuff and he's just like him it's just off the cuff and he's just

destroying me and it's the only the cuff. And he's just destroying me. And it's the only time I'm like, fucking dude, dude. I just don't have anything. And he's just tearing me up. He's a different breed. So you got to have your mind right. Theo kind of inspired me. I want to take acting lessons just so I can have an accent.

So I think the accent is such a hugely important part. And even like the silly, like the vocal. You have to know how to use it, but it's just so helpful. Yeah, it wouldn't work if like I was saying the stuff he says. Like he does it in the accent. It's like a hot girl like from Cuba saying something like, oh, that works. Even if she says something a little racist, I'm like, you're so hot. That sounded pretty cool.

I'm going to deal with this for now, you know? I think that's exactly what you mean. I don't know if I can agree with you. I'm going, you're so hot. That sounded pretty cool. I'm going to deal with this for now. You know? I think that's exactly what you mean. I don't know if I can agree with you. I'm going to do it. I was hesitant at first. But like, yeah, OK. Like, you can give me a clan number. That's fine.

Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. As soon as you bust your nut, you're like, this is terrible. You're a racist. I'm out. I mean, it's actually, it's just like Larry David when he's fucking the Palestinian woman who hates him. Oh, yeah.

She's like, you're dirty, too. She's like, you're fucking dirty. He's just putting up with it. He's like, oh, he's he's fucking the Palestinian woman who hates him oh yeah she's like you dirty Jew you fucking dirty Jew he's just putting up with it he's like oh he's loving it yeah he's into it there was a couple

a couple things on the internet this week where I you know I have I'm waiting for the internet to just be completely dead and devoid of all comedy because everyone's ruined it

sure it started late last week with Joel Embiid and his girlfriend crying hilarious I know we differ on this John thought it was a very beautiful moment comedy because everyone's ruined it sure it started uh late last week with joelle and beat and his girlfriend crying hilarious i know we differ on this john thought it was a very beautiful moment i don't think it was i don't we don't differ on it i don't think he should be like i wouldn't roast him because anyone that's ever like and he has come from the sports side i mean anyone

who's ever worked for so hard in their life or something when it doesn't work out it's cool to cry who gives a shit correct I don't need your girl. The girlfriend crying. It's weird she's in the hallway. It's weird the media's like, yeah, bitch, cry. Cry. Cry. That was weird. But Joel could have done that elsewhere.

I think when you lose a game and you cry, you're going to get made fun of. I don't think anybody should be like, this guy's a fucking loser. That's what guys do. Cry, baby. Yeah. But the girlfriend crying and like the hot face. She was hot, though. She's a weapon.

And also, I think she's just a genius. Just got her on the map. She knows where her bread is buttered. She's like, look, I can't. I don't really care about this, but I got to let Joel know that I'm really broken up about this. Do we know how long they've been together? I mean, I got to figure it out. Come on.

Is she like a road lizard? What are we doing here? I believe she's like a Sports Illustrated model, so I don't want to say she's a road lizard. But I also like... Not a road lizard. Are they for life? Come on.

If you're on Sports Illustrated, I won't refer to you as a lizard. No. She's hotter than that, no doubt. But I, you know, I'm just like, Joel L. Beat's what? Fucking 17 years old still. It's not like his wife and kids. I can't imagine. I think she knows that I have to show Joel that I care as much as he does

because he's my guy. That's your guy? At least you know she's down. But for sure in a private area. It says for several months. Ah, that's not long. that's what i'm saying like and then like and like show you know try to get on to the next week or something you can't even abort it anymore it'll be a fucking not now not now dude now's not the time to have a slip up in america okay bro or show mosey on over to the greek freak you know what i'm saying that's what i mean it'll be on to the

next day that's like remember when you were like weeping on TV for like, you know, your ex-boyfriend of six months? Maybe that's just the bitter, cynical, jaded person in me. If I started dating a WNBA player, because I guarantee, I know WNBA players are always whining about how much money they make. I'm sure they make more than I do. So like, I highly doubt it. I was going to say, I don't think they do, John.

They sell seven tickets every game. No, the stadium actually is pretty packed. Nah, that's all Photoshopped. It's like North Korea. That's fucking fake. They pay for the room, bro. Who's going to that? Can you imagine someone's like, you want to go to that Storm game?

They're like, the fuck? No. One of the original hypotheticals we did on KFC Radio was like, would you rather find a dollar on the floor or have your hometown WNBA team win a title? And it was like, I'll take the dollar. Literally, that one dollar is worth

more than a New York Liberty title. That's not even a Poland Spring. That's one of those geyser waters, the terrible ones they have on the Amtrak. It doesn't taste good. And that's more valuable. I mean, a Liberty championship would impact my life zero. I actually love when...

Zero. It'd actually affect me in a negative way. Yeah, I'd be like, fuck this. It always happens when they'll have, like, you know, some town will be going through a drought, and they'll make the championship. It happened recently with a Minnesota team recently, I think. You mean the women's, the WNBA?

It happened with just, like, the whole town. It was like, oh, the Minnesota drought. They're talking about the links, like broke the drought. The links replied like, Oh, we've won three in a row. And it's like, yeah,

even the donors like, be cool. And honestly, be cool. Worse than that are the people like the, like the basketball beat writers and shit who are like, it's, it's good basketball.

I'm like, come on. You're fucking lying. How about I'm trying to be the tough misogynisticynistic guy, but it's just not a good product. Let's be real. How about the dude with face paint on in the crowd? Get your life together, man. You're not doing well, bro.

Get your life together. The girls on the court are like, come on, bro. Even the girls are like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Is Cheryl Swoop still playing? I'm sure. She's probably still a MVP. Her titties are down to the floor and shit.

Is she still playing? It's the weirdest shit when it's just like, I'm out this year. I'm pregnant. The whole season. On the bottom line, out. Pregnancy is pregnancy. Holy shit.

Is Rebecca Lobo still playing? No, but she's like an analyst. The pregnancy, the out for pregnancy is one of the funniest. Cheryl LaRue, is that her name? She's one of the U.S. women soccer players, and she was playing. Wow, pregnant, right? Extraordinarily pregnant. Oh, Cindy LaRue.

Cindy LaRue. She wasn't a little bit pregnant. She was. Super pregnant. There were 12 players on the field at all times. It was crazy how pregnant she was. Got to do work, man. I guess that goes to show you how low the rest of the talent is.

Because she's awesome. Soccer's different, though. Soccer, there's actually talent. Right. Well, I'm not saying there's not. Women's soccer's actually better. The women's soccer is fucking really good. The women's national team.

But she was playing on a friendly. Oh, Seattle Storm or some shit. Something like that, yeah. I like how we just refer to every women's team as Storm. Seattle Storm. You talking about New Orleans Storm? The Denver Storm, they're fun to watch. New York Storm this year, they're taking it all, man. I'll give you $100 if you can tell me the reigning MVP of the WNBA.

And it's from the Seattle Storm. That's a real team. She's a Yukon girl. She's a white girl. Oh, She's a UConn girl. She's a white girl. White girl. She just tore ACL. Brianna. Brianna.

Brianna. Land the plane. Don't you fucking be kidding. How do you know? Money is negated. I went to UConn. Oh, you went to UConn. Brianna Stewart.

UConn. Brianna Stewart. Brianna Stewart. I knew her. Sylvia Fowles is the one before that. Then a name I can't even pronounce. And then Elena Deladon. I knew Brianna from UConn days.

She just tore her ACL in Europe, right? I think they don't make enough money to play. I'm pretty sure she just tore her ACL. She's out for three. Is she okay? Is she all right? She's going to get pregnant real quick. She drops dimes, man.

She drops dimes. You might as well. If you tear your ACL, you'll just get knocked up. Do you think the three of us could score a point on the women's UConn team? No, those chicks ball. I don't think so. I mean, I wasn't a Bible. You couldn't score a point?

You know what I'd do to a bitch in a post? I'm a big dude, man. Score a point. You score. I could score a point. And I feel like I'd block a few of their shots. They would win, like, me and four of my dumbass friends who don't really play. They would smoke.

But I mean – I'm getting a shot off, though. I'm also a Juana man in those bitches dunking on them. I have a buddy who in high school – he's a big, big kid. And he used to play the two girls in his neighborhood who were, like, both on, like, a good high school team. But what he would do is he would run, like, five laps around his house first break a sweat and go skins and just back him down in the post so you're just like yeah how big are you height weight uh six four two forty five it's six six six two fifteen so it's like no jokes you still got you still got you still got

you know pounds on her but like six six two fifteen is she's gonna pummel us yeah i'm not i'm not getting her in the post. Yeah, she's throwing bows. Job over here is like, I will beat this bitch up. You don't think you're – I don't know, man. See, these things are all off with you, though, because you're athletic. One of the other fun ones is if you put a basketball court in the middle of a gym. I mean a basketball in the middle of a gym with one of those eight hoops gyms. And Kawhi Leonard's there.

I think this one's crazy, by the way. Can you score on any hoop like you don't you can start can i yeah you can how close is he he can do it oh no no let's say let's say it's like dodgeball you gotta run out to grab the ball and he can run out and meet you and then he can d you up you can run this way you can run that we can run any direction you basically have hoops 360 i bet i could like i would like fake this way and then run this way yeah you see what you just did there kawaii leonard is getting deked out by that like maybe some people but like kawaii is you know a fucking robot and he ain't getting tired and well i think it's great you take it even kawaii is a different level even if it's the greek freak like he doesn't have to move he just puts his arms take six steps to get like did anyone say

they could score a point we We had one idiot intern. We had stupid people say yes. This kid, what was his name? Sunshine. And like someone who's like not even. He definitely could. He's like, easily. It would be no problem to me.

No, it would be problems. People don't understand it to this day. I think they don't understand what a difference, despite how much evidence there is and how much breakdowns there are in sports science now. Like, you guys are a different species. Well, they don't say you guys. I mean, you fit that for a while.

Not compared to the Greek freak. You're more that than us. Yes, you are. Compared to the Greek freak? You did it professionally. Yeah, all right. That's fair. I don't think anyone's like the Greek freak.

Quite literally, at least for the male species, it's Greek freak and then I am on the other end. Like you are more towards him. That's fair. On the spectrum. I think I actually saw you quote tweet it recently. It was the Katie Nolan did it with ESPN. Where it had just like some random schlub come around a 40. See, that stuff is good for people.

They just have no idea. Have you ever seen an NBA basketball player? Has anyone ever seen? Yeah, up close. Rick Barnes was in there yesterday. Matt Barnes. And it was like, and he's not like a Greek freak type. But like everything's longer, bigger, taller.

It's just like, what the fuck is golfing on, man? Yeah. They're the most athletic people in the world. There's only 12 of them on a team. And what you don't realize. It's impossible to make. Like Kawhi Leonard is playing defense on a guy that is quick enough to get by him. So he's got to like kind of play off him.

And that guy can still not do it. Kawhi Leonard can play like touching you. And you're never going to get by him. So he's got to like kind of play off him. And that guy can still not do it. Kawhi Leonard can play like touching you, and you're never going to get around him because you suck and he doesn't. So it's not like regular defense. It's like I'm going to smother you. Yeah, it would be good if people could like just – even if you could spar around with like a heavyweight professional boxer or even a small guy or like –

Just anybody who knows how to throw the hands a little bit. Or in basketball, like try and get a shot off against a bird. Remember bird man? Yeah. Remember people were like, Oh, he's just good at Duncan. No,

I played with him one-on-one basketball. He doesn't miss a fucking shot. He doesn't miss a fucking shot. He's in the NBA. He's like, I'll play anybody right now. Like one-on-three beat all of them. He played all day.

He's like, you think he's like, I'm white and goofy looking. You think you're better than me. He's like, I'm a different thing than you. No, it doesn't work.

It's what they do. We're not both humans. I'm a different, I'm a more evolved human than you. Do you still, can you fight in any way? Do you spar and shit me. He's like, I'm a different thing than you. No, it doesn't work. It's what they do. We're not both humans. I'm a more evolved human than you. Do you still, can you fight in any way? Do you spar and shit? Or do you like, do you? I don't spar.

I still hit mitts and then I work out every day, but no, I'll never spar ever again. You don't have any of the- I need the brain cells I can get from it. Do you have any urge though? Zero. Yeah, I would be the same way I would imagine it. If I had done it and then moved on,

I'd be like, no fucking thank you. be i mean i found my passion stand up and i have so much fun in in uh podcasting might be different if i was like struggling financially because i bet you i could i know i could go back and make money doing it but um there's got to be so many guys who are jealous of you in that sense like guys that know about fighters yeah they're just like that i'm middle of the road but i I don't have comedic chops and I just got to keep bashing my head in. They should use it as inspiration because I'm doing so much stuff.

When you're done fighting, NFL, NBA, UFC, your life's just getting started. You're 30, you've got experience under your belt. Get going. What are you doing? The problem is people define them. All I am is a fighter.

No, you're not, man. Right. That's just a five years of your life. It's such a storm. But you was like your whole life, right? I mean, when did you start? I started later. No, I started when I was like 23, 24.

So this guy's an asshole. It's like, I'll pick up fighting and do that professionally for a little bit. I'll pick up comedy and do that for a little bit. Yeah, I never let it define me, though. It's like, all right, I'm out. Cool. Next. The E shit is cool.

Is that like a consistent thing or like a one-off here and there? So last year, I did all the award shows, and then I did... Because your boy likes to stunt, you know what I mean? Yeah, I feel him. He likes to flex a little bit.

You know, a little fucking... I mean, look at this shirt. Gucci Bowling shirt right now. I look like a bad guy for a kung fu movie. Anyways, the gringo bad guy. The E stuff, I actually had to skip out on this year man i just got too much going on yeah i couldn't i couldn't do it anymore nice problem to have yeah but i love those guys i loved working the award shows and the golden globes and just seeing behind the scenes

and do you i don't i don't think i've ever actually watched you do it do you know your shit or you're just like oh that's a cool suit i know my dress you know you know designers you know no you'd have yeah that they don't they don't play that mess yeah you'd have to know your shit yeah so you like you studying like flip books like that was product no i wouldn't i would i would know their stylist i would know their stylist and then we just talked about what everyone's wearing not the women's i'm in the women's shit but the the guy's stuff like their suits and shoes and so are you met gala guy met gala just happened no because that's not fashion to me like that that's more halloween than fashion yeah it's a costume perry showed up in like a fucking hamburger hamburger it's like what are you a Met Gala guy? Met Gala just happened to be. No, because that's not fashion to me. That's more Halloween than fashion. Yeah, it's a costume for sure.

When Katy Perry showed up in a lamp. The fucking hamburger. And then the hamburger. It's like, what are you doing? No, that's not my style. But some people come through. I hate when the guys don't come through. If you're going to that kind of party.

Don't come in a tuxedo. Don't come in a tuxedo. You got to bring it. But also, don't pull what Harry did and wear women's outfits. What are you doing, dude? What are you doing? What are we going you doing, dude? What are you doing? What are we going to do with that? What are you doing?

But he just wears that shit, though. That's his style. He wears a lot of cool shit, but that was just like... He dressed like a pirate almost all the time. Someone told him that. Johnny Depp's the original pirate. He's just stuck in that fucking Jack Sparrow fucking gig. Honestly, it's not a bad spot to be stuck.

It's not good. It's not good. Because Disney's moved on. They're making new Pirates of the Caribbean without him. You know what? This got a little weird for us. You're still wearing the mascara and way too much jewelry. We're out, dude.

And they hired somebody else. Yo, has anyone ever got a worse deal than him? What do you mean? He got a good deal. No, I mean with the Me Too. Johnny Depp? Yeah. It was Amber Heard.

And then it was very, very recent where it was like it was her. The whole thing was her. She did it all. I've heard that forever. A buddy at the comedy store's friend knows Johnny well, and that's when the story went along. She bit his finger off. Yeah. Off? She's crazy that's when the story bit his finger off yeah I guess off like she bit like the tip of his finger off off she's supposed to be crazy there's there there the picture is crazy hot

crazy hot I bet I bet Johnny was like putting the tip back on like all right but let's go back to the bedroom now I bet she was a freak they got a you know how crazy your girl has to be and how fucking awesome she has to be in bed for you to get arrested smuggling dogs into australia for her she she wanted their two little dogs so he was that pussy is fire isn't he like oh you got pussy do you have dog smuggling pussy he's probably so stressed like fuck i have to he's sitting on the runway on the private plane just being like you guys gotta shut the fuck up for two seconds just comings is coming on. I got to fuck everyone.

Could you imagine being his friend? Be like, come on, Johnny. This is not worth it. It's like, you don't understand. There's shit that you can do, man. And that happens. There are some times when you're like, I know I shouldn't be smuggling a dog. Or there's Nicolas Cage crazy where he's doing these kind of bootleg movies and he's buying castles and cannons.

Dinosaur bones and shit. He's great to me. Do you see him in line trying to get married? And they're going to argue it. He's like, fuck it. All right. It's off. It's off.

He looks like shit. He looks like he's behind a jet engine. His face is like this. He's like, fuck it. Fine. You're the one that wanted to do this. I don't want to do this shit. It's like in front of everybody.

And then he went to karaoke once it got annulled. It got annulled like three days later. Yeah. And he was singing Purple Rain, but he was so mad. I've never heard someone sing Purple Rain angry. He's like, end this Purple Rain! Purple Rain! Not doing well, bro.

Not doing well at all. You know how fucking hot of it you got to be to be a karaoke fan. Solo. Angrily singing Purple Rain. He's not doing well, man. You know how fucking out of it you gotta be to be a karaoke solo angrily singing Purple Rain. He's not doing well, man. I was actually just in New Orleans

and my buddy was something he had a house down there that was he bought like the most haunted house in the world. Isn't it great? And then he never went.

Yeah. He was terrified of it. Yeah, he's terrified of it. He just buys like random shit. Like, hey, yo, we found that new T-Rex bone. Yeah, call up Nicholas Cage.

I imagine most people are like, I got to keep working. I got to like fund my party habit or drug habit. He's like, I got to fund my dinosaur bones habit. I got to fund my castle. You got money? You got castle money? I don't think so. Do you have relics money, artifacts money?

No. How about Johnny Depp? But what they say, he had like 17 houses at one point and his business manager's like dude we just we gotta stop you know like no they're not even investments they like it doesn't make sense that's a 72 bedroom house like we can't we can't rent it out yeah the second we bought that it started losing value where there's nothing how about the 50 cent house that sold for like i think it was legit like 40 bedrooms and well he sold for like eight I think it was legit like 40 bedrooms. It sold for like $8 million.

It was like very. He wanted eight or 10. I think he sold for two. I mean, that's kind of crazy. I kept thinking. I was like, can we scrounge up enough together as a down payment if we all pool this money together and we'll just get 50 fucking 40 foot 40 bedroom mansion? It's in Atlanta though, yeah?

No, I thought this one was up north. Or was it Connecticut? Yeah, Connecticut. It had like 25 bathrooms. Yeah, but it came with a big picture of him. Oh, really? It was like a giant painting on the wall. See, I don't know.

That works for me. Yeah, oh, yeah. Really? This is my 50 room. I don't know. Yeah, I guess. He had a good story for it. Ayesha Curry, who's always in the news, but she just had an awesome Instagram.

Who's that? Ayesha Curry, Steph's wife. She posted something and I think it was just a Spotify ad or something like that. The top comment was, get back in the kitchen. Hilarious. She hit the guy back with, which one?

Golden State, Houston, Miami, or New York? Bitch. And did the guy respond back like, all of them, bitch. I didn't. I, bitch. Bitch. And do the guy respond, I got all of them, bitch. I didn't. I mean every single one. Get the fuck out of here. I don't give a fuck.

Whatever one you want, but get back in it. Whichever one you're cooking in. I don't care. That's great. Whichever one makes the best sandwiches. Pick one, bitch. Pick one.

That's what he should have came back with. Yeah, whichever one you want. I don't care. Just get back in it. Whichever one Steph bought you. Whatever, man. It came from the, well, no, that's something else. But remember, because she was saying Yeah whichever one you want I don't care Just get back in there Whichever one's stuff Bucks you Whatever man It came from the

Well no that's something else But remember Cause she was like Saying how she doesn't Did you see the clip She's on the red table She's saying how Guys don't look at it

If you look at the whole clip It's not that bad People roast the shit out of her People hate her For no reason I don't know why People also hate Chrissy Teigen Yeah

But at least Chrissy's Super talented But she knows I love Chrissy Do you know Chrissy I don't know her personally People also hate Chrissy Teigen. Yeah. But at least Chrissy's like – She's super talented. But she knows she's – I love Chrissy. Do you know Chrissy? I don't know her personally. Our kids go to school together. And I have close friends who are in the business, like producers high up.

She's super special. There's a reason why she made it. It's not just because of John Legend. No, I mean she's funny on Twitter. She's good. She's a funny person. She's quick. So with Steve Harvey – did you see this?

Steve Harvey goes, successful people don't get eight hours sleep a night. And she's trying to be all funny. She's like, shit, I get like 10 to 12. And then he's like, cool story. Who told you you were successful? Oh, I didn't see this. Oh, I didn't see that at all. Did she roast him back?

He said something to the extent of, who told you you were successful? And also, the only reason you're here is because of John Legend, so take it easy. Oh, dude. Like, he went hard with me. I did not know that at all. I saw it 10 or 12 hours later. And that is, you know, if there's a button to push with Christine Teigen, it's that one. You know what I mean?

Maybe it's two people living in Bel Air arguing, so you're like, eh, whatever. You know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah. But the thing with her, like, she also, at the end of the day, knows she's kind of like a loud mouth on Twitter and social media. Ayesha Curry is like, she doesn't mess with anybody. She doesn't get political.

Chrissy Teigen's always mixing it up. You can understand someone rubbing her the wrong way. Ayesha Curry's like, yeah, I'm just going to make a dessert here. Make a YouTube cooking show. Be cool, man.

Relax. She always gets it, but she had one time, not probably last year, where she was like, I prefer to dress a little more conservatively. Oh, you're such a bitch. No, I just said what I like to wear.

Yeah, that's the culture we live in, though. It's like such a negative. It's like everyone petitioning to the Game of Thrones. Like, we need to have this rewritten. Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? I love it. Get out of town.

You don't love it. Oh, let me ask you. You're the guys that read all the books no fuck no we're off the books we're off the books forever yeah there's not enough

character development for you in the season 8 is it not entertainment is it not entertainment it is entertaining but I watch you know if I sit down

and I watch Fast and the Furious I'm good with like fucking tits and explosions but if I sit down and I'm watching like an Oscar movie or something

I'm watching it with a different expectation. I think they set the bar so fucking high for themselves, and now they're just like, let's get this over with. There's a stark difference. Really? They don't like it? It's actually fucked up. I've turned the corner

where I feel bad for Benioff and Weiss now because the actors just don't have their back at all. Who said that? Kingslayer talking a lot of magic. Kingslayer said for like Benioff and Weiss now, because the actors just don't have their back at all. Who said that? I mean, I'll pull it off. I mean, quite literally. Kingslayer said for like three years he's been trying to convince them to do other stuff with his character because it's bad. Yeah, but not your show, though, you know?

Let me read you some of this shit. Brienne of Tarth, she said that she was so dismayed by the character turn that she needed to go for a walk and that Benioff, the writers, asked if she had any questions about it, and she was like, oh, fuck yeah. Cersei said she had mixed reactions and that Benny off the writers asked if she had any questions about it and she was like oh fuck yeah Cersei said she had mixed reactions and that she wanted to have a

big piece or a fight with somebody for her death Miss Andy was like the one thing I really wished I had more time or more scenes with Daenerys because we haven't had any yeah you go keep going no but you know what I mean like all right you got your head sounds like everyone wants their own fucking spin-off

the you're on Greyjoy who's the biggest waste of fucking the past few seasons. Keep going. No, but you know what I mean? Like, all right, you got your head sounds like everyone wants their own fucking spinoff. That's what's happening. Euron Greyjoy, who's the biggest waste of fucking time in the world, says it himself. Yeah, I was just a story. They said, why did your aim

get so much worse? Like, how come you sniped the dragon one time and couldn't hit it the next time? And he said, I don't know, because they needed it

for the storyline, which is like, yeah, I don't know. I'm just fucking writing this shit. The worst ones are actually worse than the disgruntled employees.

It's just the it's and that's why I'm back on the writer's side because it's like, guys, you're a locker room here. Can I give you a third? Can I tell you what I think is happening? And there's no spoiler. I have no idea if this is true. Yeah, sure, my agent reps me in them.

Not a big deal. No big deal. Here's the thing, and I swear to God this is something I came up with on my own. So is there a chance that the third eye, the fucking Raven kid, right? We haven't seen him at all. Is he given Jon Snow? Is this a dream of if he doesn't take the throne, this is what would happen? If there's some sort of dream shit, people are going to go crazy.

I know, which is great. I'm actually just saying I'm rooting for Chaos at this point too. But you know what I'm saying? We haven't seen him in a grip. Jon Snow, that last episode, he was like like get over here like he wasn't doing shit and he's been a focal he's just showing him what he's gotta do it's like him so like hey because he always says you don't want the throne so it's that third eye raven boy showing him hey dude if you don't take control of the throne this is what the fuck happens that would be that would at least explain

why the fuck john snow hasn't been doing That would at least explain why the fuck Jon Snow hasn't been doing anything. He's been yelling at dragons. Did you guys not like episode 3? The fight? No. Oh my god. First of all, you couldn't see episode 3. If you have the right TV, you can.

That wasn't my main complaint with it. It wasn't. Did you listen to him say in the battle scene the purpose was so you feel like you can't see. That's so stupid.

I'm not in the battle. I want to see it. But you felt like it. Were you frustrated? Were you frustrated? Yeah, that's how they felt. I was frustrated because I couldn't see.

That's how they felt. They were trying to kill me. That's how they felt. I was not watching that episode going, boy, I feel like I'm about to be attacked by zombies. I was sitting there going,

I can't fucking see the screen. Not me. I loved it, dude. Dude, you're telling me how about to be attacked by zombies. I was sitting there going, I can't fucking see the screen. Not me. I loved it, dude. Dude, you're telling me. How long have you been watching it? How long have you been watching it? I've seen all the seasons. No, but did you watch it in real time?

Probably two years now. Okay. Yeah. I think that makes a difference, too. People keep telling me that shit. That doesn't work, bro. That doesn't work. I invested eight years of my life.

Shit the fuck up. No, bro. We all watch the same episodes, bro. No. You watched it for how many years? I've been talking about this for a fucking decade. And now it sucks. I wish I didn't do them.

But I saw season one. You saw season one. You watched eight hours of it. I watched eight hours of it. You just did eight years of it. But I did eight years of fucking talking and predicting and theorizing and all that shit. That's what drives me crazy. That's not a case true.

I spent a week looking up the research on it. And then I watched episode two and I spent a week looking up the research on it. And then I watched episode two and I spent a week looking up the theories about that. We watched the same hour episodes, but we did more homework in between. You're just smart and you didn't have to do your homework. No, he's just dumb. No, I caught on late because Rogan and Eddie Bravo and Cal were like, dude, you've got to watch Game of Thrones. And I would always say, are there dragons in it? He goes, yeah.

I'm not watching. I'm 30 as fuck. I'm not watching dragons. And then one night, I was like, let me check this shit out. I'm like, oh, my God. This is fantastic. Now I have Game of Thrones t-shirts and shit. I'm defending the writer's hair.

Isn't this great? I'll ride a dime for those dudes, man. I love the passion of the internet for a fucking TV show. It's crazy. It's like sport. It's like when I'm arguing with people about if it's good or bad or what we think should happen. It's good for the game. It's like a sport, like a team where you're irrationally. I can't believe you like episode three, man.

Well, here's the other thing, too. I don't need a 45-minute battle, bro. Why not? Because I like when they talk and shit. They talked the episode before and for. No, but I like it. I didn't like that one either. I don't like any of his fucking episodes.

You just want to talk the whole goddamn time? I think that's more interesting. I think that's more interesting than the actual battle. Write your own show. You want to cry about it? Hey, so do you guys, you think, did you two fucks, and if you do, I'm leaving. Did you guys sign the petition? No.

Have a little bit of respect for me. Jesus Christ. Come on. Not the petition. Have a little bit of respect for me. Jesus Christ. I'm a Game of Thrones loser and I would never even fucking consider signing a petition. 375,000 people did. 375,000? That ain't shit when you think about how many hundreds of millions of people

watched that. That's a lot for a loser online petition. Anyone listening to me speak right now, if you're a friend of mine and you sign that petition, you're out. Never call me again. I'm with you. I'm with you. Now, if you're just a fan, cool, do your thing. I don't know you. If you're a friend or family member, never talk to me again.

That includes my brother sitting here in the corner. Did you sign that shit? You're dead to me. It's up to five hundo. Half a mil. If I was walking down the street... Yeah, because it's a cool thing to do. It's a cool thing. Someone passionate. This is a really important subject. you sign this petition it's no for that so never mind whether this was on the game of thrones that's never going to happen if they're

going to spend 100 million dollars to redo a season dude they are up to 600 though like it's going to get a million but it doesn't matter like no of course not i mean this is the silliest thing i've ever heard like what's silly that people think they have the power to do this yeah you think hbo's, you know what? You guys are right. Could you imagine people being like, well, I was signed on to do this movie, and there's no more budget, and these guys are – no, but we'll cancel all those plans and fuck out of here.

Is it still the White House thing where if you reach a certain amount of – They have to acknowledge it? They have to acknowledge it? Not in entertainment. Not in entertainment. Guys. We agree, but... Let me ask you two haters this on Game of Thrones. How would this last season finale, the whole series finale,

what would make you two happy? No, let's just say you could... The finale, nothing can happen. Nothing? I have... Then why watch it? I'm going to watch it just for closure, but there's nothing that –

why have that last conversation with my girlfriend when I know she's about to dump me after we need to talk? I got to have it just so I know for sure what happened. My thing would have been Cersei winning. Obviously, that can't happen. That would have made me happy. What's going to piss you guys off more, if Jon Snow – If Jon – if corny-ass Jon Snow is just like, I'm the hero, fuck that. Fuck that.

That's going to make you even madder? If it's just a happy ending? If you're going to sign the petition? I might. I might start another one. You got to do two more seasons. Yeah, two more. The whole show has always been cool to me that it's like, anybody can die at any time.

Things will turn on a dime. Who you think is good is bad. Who you think bad is good. If it's just like, and the corny like always good good guy happy ending yeah my problem hasn't even been with what happens it's just the explanation that goes into it like danny it's too short like danny just going crazy there was nothing that like inspired danny going crazy in that moment they gave me some signs from the day when then her daddy was crazy no no i know all those but there there was just always a jump there was always a hit hyperdrive

it was just like i felt like they had to. You want us to do Star Wars? Let's get through this. That's the problem. People don't realize it's real life. If you had a major comedy special coming up and it was like, I gotta wrap up this other podcast. They're prioritizing Star Wars now. I get it, but you can't deny that. In general, would you not acknowledge

that the mere fact that we're even arguing all this means that they kind of missed the mark? No, I really don't think so. I think they've knocked out the park. Episode 3 and 5. You said you had the same agent, right? Yeah, it doesn't matter. I'm not an actor, so it doesn't matter.

But I'm just saying, episode 3 is the best thing I've ever seen on TV. The best thing I've ever seen on TV. No, stop. I'm telling you, I was emotional. I thought people were going to die. I was slow clap in my living room. My son was like,

Daddy. I'm like, pipe down. I had a Kingslayer shirt on and shit. We're talking about explanations and stuff. Read a book, dude. They admit.

They're like, yeah, there was no reason for Arya to kill her. She's just a fan favorite so we did it. Yeah, but it was dope. You didn't even see it coming. It was dope. Yeah, I didn't see it coming because it didn't make sense.

Not today. That shit was dope. And I have an Arya shirt of her dunking like Michael Jordan. That shit's dope. There's no reason that she was supposed to get through them. Ah, but who cares though? You know it's fake. I care. But who cares though? There's also dragons in it, so who cares?

In that world. I know what you're doing, Sharp, and I don't like it. Still the explanation in that world didn't make sense. Were you mad at Entourage, the way that ended in Sopranos? It's different. But Entourage is different. First of all, I don't know how Entourage ended. It ended, they did a movie and it ate all the dicks.

Oh, yeah. That's not what I mean. No, I like the movie. I remember. You and I. Oh, yeah. No, I like the movie. You and I. Fuck's sake. I remember walking out That movie was fire, son. Wait, they actually

had a TV series off of it? Yeah. I actually remember walking out being like, they had some pretty good bangers in that movie. Wow. Wow.

That whole Haley Joel Osment storyline? Love that. Oh, killed it. Love that. All right, bro. We appreciate it, man. What's the name of the new special?

You'd Be Surprised. Friday night, 10 p.m. Eastern. You would be surprised. You would be surprised. You would be. You know, I'm not surprised you guys are haters on Game of Thrones. I'm not surprised. Some things just make sense.

I'm going to text you fucks after the season finale on Sunday. Good. Awesome. In fact, we'll start. You know what he's going to do? He's going to go, nah. Nah. It's going to be great.

It's going to be great. It was a cares? Who cares if any of it made sense? I just want the dragon to fuck shit up. That's all I want. Which is fair. I agree with that. I want him to fuck shit up. I just wanted a little more, like... Storyline. Hey, this is why it's fucking shit up.

You want it to make sense. Yeah. Like, I don't want... She got mad at the bells. They had three fucking dragons. And didn't get a goddamn thing done.