KFC Radio - Patton Oswalt, Nick Swardson, Stealing Your Wife's Inheritance, and the Dream Paradox

Episode Date: May 7, 2020

Don't forget to subscribe, rate five stars, and leave a review! We kick off the episode the same as usual talking about a dream we had where there was a finger shoved up our a**. If you don't remember a dream did you still have a dream? Barstool DVR: We discuss the latest criticisms over The Last Dance and Feits new favorite show Normal People. AITA Thursday returns with pickles & cheese in the fridge, stealing your wife's inheritance, hiring a coworker as a stripper, and pee pee pads. We address the email Dave received from a literal clown attempting to write another hit piece. Voicemails include good or bad dreams, when to ask about stds, and when to share you have talents like Heather Brooke. Patton Oswalt returns to the show! We discuss his upcoming comedy special 'I Love Everything', his inspiration for the title, the HBO documentary he produced 'I'll Be Gone in the Dark', and much more. Nick Swardson joins the show. We discuss his upcoming Netflix movie The Wrong Missy, a time he elbowed Adam Sandler in the face, and a time him and Danny McBride went to see The Black Swan but decided to go on a little bender instead. Let us know what you think on twitter: @kfcradio, @kfcbarstool, @feitsbarstool, @pattonoswalt, @nickswardsonYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. You know, I had a dream the other night. You ever had a dream where you just, like, are like, oh, I'm just dreaming. Just wake up, dude. Yeah, one time. I don't have dreams enough to realize that's a normal thing. It was very strange. I was just like, oh, why don't have dreams enough to realize that's a normal thing. It was very strange. I was just like, oh, why don't we just wake up?

It's like, oh, okay. Yeah, now we're out of trouble. We're no longer running from the TSA. But usually I can't necessarily always wake myself up. Oh, it was immediate. It was almost like I was talking to myself. I was like, oh, yeah, why are we being dumb? Let's just get up.

Wouldn't it be great? And I guess that's the idea behind the matrix. If you could just talk to yourself that way. Get yourself out of trouble. I think I can. I think I can

communicate with myself on a higher level. Oh, really? I control my conscious and my subconscious simultaneously it's a beautiful dance they weave together oh really okay expand upon that please I just said it that's all I got that's the end of it

I can wake myself up from dreams I can wake myself up from dreams. That's my superpower. When I have a dream, I had a dream the other night that I was dead. And I woke up, and night that I was dead. And I woke up and I thought I was dead. And I actually ran out here. I ran through that through that door over there. I was standing there in my boxers

out by the window. Thank God I didn't go down the stairs because I would have fucking broke my body again. But I was like convinced I was a dead person. It was scary. See, people have like when people have dreams, they have like these existential things, I think. They're like, oh, I'm falling or

being chased by a crab or whatever the stereotypes are. I never have. People are being chased by a crab? I never heard that one. I think that's one. Maybe I'm wrong. But like, I never have anything like that. I just have peculiar situations. I don't know maybe a psychologist would tell me is even weirder where i was funny when talking to you about dreams are so funny

because you're so new to it you're like it's like this new like game to you that like the rest of us have just been dreaming and you what was that what was the catalyst didn't you change something in your life that like led to to dreams was it alcoholism or something no i think i i think it might have been therapy i forget what it was but i was just like oh no you have dreams yeah i was always saying that like it was like my mind was like all right buddy you asked for it here you fucking go yeah but like i just have i think people say that there are like websites you can look up and find the symbolism in things. Dude, I had a dream where I was walking around Montreal, and a little midget guy kept fingering my ass, and I got mad. So I picked him up, and I broke his back along on the corner of a wall, and he went into a coma.

And then when he woke up, he admitted it was his fault because he's a nice Canadian fellow. There is no fucking way that this website has anything about the symbolism of midget Montreal Canadians fingering in the butt. Agreed. Agreed. That one, that is quite literally, I think, the first time that's ever been dreamt. It has to be, right? No, seriously. Like, I mean, let's think it actually through because there's been endless people there's been billions of people how many people

do you think total have ever lived there's eight billion right now probably add it all up it's probably like a few billion more but like if you if you add up all those people and every dream they've ever had we're talking about trillions of dreams. You think that's ever occurred? No, I don't think that's ever occurred. Why would that occur? Who would think of something like that? No one can tell us the answers.

A hundred billion people have lived. Okay. Let's do, you know, 365 days a year. Let's say you're supposed to have – do you dream every night? I can't dream every night. No, not every night, but like – I dream twice this week, and that's a lot for me. Yeah, that – I mean, I will probably –

By the way, I think you always dream. It's whether or not you remember them. Oh, goddamn you, you son of a bitch. You goddamn fucking son of a bitch. You goddamn fucking son of a bitch. You actually stole. This is going to be my fucking – this is going to be my one big thing. One small thing that's actually a big thing for Friday night's SportsCenter episode. If I can't – You goddamn assholes.

You people who say that bullshit. Yeah. If I didn't – if I don't remember the dream then i didn't have a dream if that's the point of having a dream but here's the thing i get what you're saying it's like you're the only witness and if you can't remember it you didn't have it but if you uh you kill somebody in a fucking blackout and you didn't remember, it still happens. This isn't a blackout. This is a fake world.

These aren't things that are actually happening in real life. Therefore, they didn't happen. I murdered someone and forgot about it. I did murder that person. No action is taking place. No, but there is. That's the thing. There's brain activity going on.

But not that I remember. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. It does mean it didn't happen because I'm the only one who can tell you about it. No, if I were to strap your brain into a fucking... If I'm doing a sleep test or whatever...

It would show my brain is moving. You wouldn't be able to see the dream. Right, but that's why. My brain worked while i was asleep i didn't have a dream but you're uh you probably did that's probably what your brain activity was doing no you don't you're you're seeing you're even you don't know you're saying probably you don't know because you can't see it oh god yeah listen i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about no no i mean like people are like well it's probably that probably it might but i'm the only witness and i don't fucking have anything therefore a jury of my

peers would not say he's definitely having a dream because they put me on the stand and i'd fall apart for the prosecution correct but i'm saying that if you i think there are probably nights that you don't have a dream where your brain is just fucking kaput for the eight hours. But there are other times where you're going to see brain waves. No, no. People say you have a dream every single night, Kevin. Oh, you had a dream. You just don't remember it.

Well, that means it didn't happen because I'm the only one who can tell you about it. It's like if a tree falls to the floor, does it make a sound? No, it doesn't. Because sound is the vibration of your fucking ears. And there's no sound being caused there. No, it's not the vibration. There are things that are happening. There's no sound.

You don't get to hear it. Sound's only heard. Well, this is why it's a fucking riddle, proverb. It's not a riddle. It's science. I just broke down the science for you. No, because if the hair in your eardrums can't shake to make you hear a sound, then the sound isn't happening. No, I disagree with that because the sound is coming from the tree hitting the ground.

It's being received by your ears. But there's no ears to hear that sound. but that but that's still there it just is that you're not around to hear it nope it's not there it's not there i i disagree i think i think just that's very vain to think it's very ego it's very self-centered i'm john feidelberg yeah i was like halfway through i was like, I think that that's very like human. Like there was a fucking animal in there that heard it. There was some, some,

there was something just because your ears and human ears didn't hear it. Doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It didn't happen. Just like a dream didn't happen. It's just, if the only person there. Well, while I'm interested in you getting

butt fingered by a midget and breaking his back i'm more interested in the fact that there are uh i would think that dreams would more often than not be totally unique and one of one i think it's more interesting that dreams are like everybody apparently has dreams where you're spitting your teeth out of your mouth that's one that's one that you can look up that hasn't i've never had the the tooth spitting i've never had a falling dream i've never had you're new to the game by the way so what's it i woke up late for a test dream or something like that that's that's what i think is interesting that I have done the teeth thing, but then I,

I've looked that up before and it's like, no, I definitely don't have that problem. The, the school thing is fascinating to me. That happens to me like once a week where I am convinced that I missed the test. I didn't do that shit in school when I actually had tests.

Do you think I'm doing it fucking after? There's got to be something about, and it's probably just like you, whatever, maybe the way you looked at school. Like you said, you didn't care about it at the time. But like there must be something about your brain when it's forming or something in its formative years, you're 18 years old, 16 years old, you're worried about tests and that your brain just hangs on to that for like forever because why would I still be dreaming about it

and why are like so many other people dreaming about it? That's so weird. It's very peculiar, but I think that was interesting what you said there where like your brain decides during its formative years what's important and what isn't yeah and i think mine decided nothing yeah it was you know it's it's not like i very much like what my outlook on life is now like just tell me what i need to know and be done make sure it fits in one text message don't send

me multiple text messages don't send me the bullshit. Tell me what I need to know, and I'll understand, and I'll move on. Then Rain's like, look, we don't need to do any fancy stuff. You dream. We don't need any razzmatazz. We don't need any spice. Let's just take it easy right now. Let's relax.

It's the same thing I've always said would happen with, like, girlfriends always do that. Like, what are you thinking about right now? I'm literally thinking about nothing. It's standby mode. I'm out. I don't have that racing mind. You can't sit still and you can't figure...

I'm good. First of all... I'm a robot just waiting to get put into kill mode. Put me in kill mode, hit record on a podcast, I'll fucking talk all day. Other than that... One day, I think you're going to kill somebody. You think I am? Hit record on a podcast. I'll fucking talk all day. Other than that. One day, I think you're going to kill somebody.

You think I am? Yeah. Why? I think you're going to be in kill mode one day for real. You know why? You know what the number one reason is? I disagree with that. Huh?

I just want to get it on record. I disagree. The number one reason I think you're going to kill somebody is when we pulled, not we, I wasn't there, when all you guys pulled Hank off the wall on the duct tape. You just went into fucking kill mode. There was something there, man. There was something about to happen where you, for no reason,

were just going to fucking punch that guy in the face. How dare you try to not strain yourself to death on duct tape in a fucking repurposed dentist's office. Who dare you try to not strain yourself to death on duct tape in a fucking repurposed dentist's office? Who do you think you are? And like, and the dream, like, you went to, now granted, that would have been justifiable. He

butt fingered you. But you're having dreams about breaking midgets back. It wasn't one time. I was polite a lot of times. I was like, dude, knock it off. Stop it. Stop it. And he was just, he was following me around town. He was following me like – You're walking around the city in Montreal.

Yeah, like just popping in and out of crowds, weaving in and out of people, juking and jiving, fingering and unfingering. And I was like, you got to knock it off, you little midget. And he just wouldn't listen to me. We should add that to ATI. Like the ill-tempered midget in the role of a question. He's also a finger in your butt. It wasn't like, I was wearing pants.

I guess a more accurate description of what he was doing would be goosing. Now, see, now we're cooking with gas because didn't – what was your story about that? The guy at the bar was doing that to you. The guy, he did it once. But but that happened so you were once violated you were sexually i've been fucking goosed a million times in my life i went to middle school no no no that but that's that's that was that's fun that's that's you know guys being guys you were at the bar once and you were violated by a fan you were sexually assaulted by a fan you didn't like that you didn't like it to the point that we talked about it and we discussed it and you said like that was fucking weird and that is deep in your subconscious and you go to sleep at night that

comes out in the form of a montreal midget that now starting to make sense i know some people think i know that that's another i'll be honest i forgot about the bar incident until right now so i don't know you know why you suppressed it i'm gonna psychoanalyze your fucking brain i know that the part of the other like tropes when it comes to dreams is people being like i don't fucking care about your dream bro i don't want to hear about it but i actually find it very fascinating because i think i think dreams are interesting as shit yeah i do enjoy dreams they're the best movies ever made if you can tell me a good story about your dream i'll listen to your dream if you're just like whoa when people can't be together and you're just kind of like i don't know what happened that's one thing well i

think i find dreams to be very interesting as well yeah it's it's like a subconscious brain cooking up, even just how your dreams work. What are we... What are you seeing? It's like your mind has a movie screen. You know what I mean? How are you actually... I think like in Inglourious Bastards,

when the guy, I forget his name, is behind the screen and he's up watching it. He lights all the film on fire and he's up watching it. Yeah. He lights all the film on fire. Right. That's you watching it. That's what dreams are.

We talked about this on Mail Time a couple weeks ago. Lil Nas X tweeted that when he dreams, he doesn't see it through his eyeballs. He sees it from a third person. Oh, my God. I forgot about i forgot about sorry what'd you say you just broke up there you said you forgot you said i forgot about what i forgot about that that's crazy to me i i uh i didn't know that was a thing at all and granted he put up a poll and it was like 85 was like us that you see it through your eyeballs. But to think of you see your whole body, like, doing things is weird.

I think that's the way I'd prefer it. It's weird, but it's like in video games, which I don't play very often, to be fair. But, like, I feel like they used to give you, like, in single-player games, they used to give you options on like you have a bird's-eye view right behind the guy or like his eye in his eyes. I always liked the right behind the guy. I like the GTA view.

I think I want to say in Mario 64, you could do it through his eyes or you could see him, and I'm pretty sure – I don't think anybody ever did it through his eyes. It was like that mode sucks. Yeah, it makes the whole thing way more chaotic i'd rather get to take it i think i think for you to dream and not see it as you would as you live life is weird as fuck i think if you do that then it's just completely first of all like you never think it's real right like you never like because you're watching you yourself you're watching like a simulation

or something right you can't be like oh i thought i died no you didn't you watched you die you can't possibly think you're dead and the uh it would also it would i think it would be more entertaining because you're watching a movie starring you rather than thinking. Yeah, no, it's definitely entertaining. It's just that I bet you that I bet you the 15% of people who do dream that way are like super vain or something where you think that you're like the,

the star of the show and you're going to watch yourself or some shit like that. I feel like it's almost the opposite because the super big number has to be the bigger number. Cause they're just flat out more super bad than not. Right, right. That,

that, that, that's good science. That's good math. That adds up. You're right. I, I,

you know, what's funny. I was thinking about for normal people, if you're not, um, ever on camera, you've probably never seen yourself, maybe a home video here or there. I guess maybe with the advent of social media, it's happened more. But let's say 20 years ago, you've probably never seen yourself, like, walk or, like, do things, you know? That's kind of trippy. Right?

Because like there are times when I watch a Barstool video and like, you know, my feet are like kind of pigeon-toed. So I like, I hate the way I walk. And I see it on camera and I'm like, oh, I look awkward. I, you know, I start to think about my posture. I'm like, man, I don't look good. But, you know, like my dad, think about like my dad. He's never, he doesn doesn't look on social media.

He never watches videos. If we were ever filming home videos, he was the one holding it. My dad's probably never seen himself walk. Isn't that weird? Yeah. I mean, he's seen it in mirrors and stuff, but yeah, he's just never... Glimpse.

He walks along the street. I guess my dad's never seen himself do a lot of stuff as well yeah he doesn't do social media we never really had we we weren't like a family that recorded things i mean we had a few digital cameras here and there but there definitely like isn't a a treasure trove of feidelberg home videos anywhere we did like early on uh like big ass camcorder christmases and then like that's it i remember when uh we would do school projects or whatever yearbook stuff would come up they'd be like let's you know bring in some pictures of your family like we got none if we ever like if the if the clancy family there's

ever a tragedy and we get wiped out we are gone from existence there's like no no i it'll be pictures of me on social media. I'm like that's it. The rest of us are fucking gone. But yeah, like you just don't see yourself doing things unless you are on camera ever, and that's very few people. You know, I think they're lucky. I think they're the lucky ones. Yeah.

Oh, definitely because I hate seeing myself unless you are great looking and cool and great posture and they're lucky. I think they're the lucky ones. Yeah. Oh, definitely, because I hate seeing myself. Unless you are great-looking and cool and great posture and you're smart. Even them. I refuse to believe that great-looking people think they're great-looking. I just don't. Yeah, I think it's crazy, I'm sure. But I think that Emily Ratajkowski looks in the mirror and is like, hmm, this isn't great. Yep.

Well, especially girls in, like in the modeling industry where there's competition. They've been told forever that they're not hot enough. But what about listening to yourself? Do you think that Whitney Houston, before she was dead, do you think when Whitney heard herself, she was like, oh, God, I can't listen to myself on camera, on tape? Nah. No. No, no, no. Because like those,

I almost feel like, you know, I can't put my mind into like a talented person like that, but I actually, we were talking to Cal about it and he was like, at some point you got, you're not gonna be perfect with it. But he's like,

whatever, this is what it is. And he was like, at some point, you're not going to be perfect with it. But he was like, whatever. This is what it is. And I think that's the way. We were doing that with the show we did last night, where it was like, we kept doing takes. It was like, we're not back. I know. I've said this funny, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, that's it.

We're just doing that. And don't get me wrong. It's me and Marty on a fucking webcam. It's a lot different than Whitney goddamn Houston. But it's still, at some point, I think anyone just like your idea of perfection, you're just not going to achieve it. So you have to just say, okay, that's it. Now, again, our ideas of perfection are vastly different, but you're just not going to get there. I also think that you have to realize that Whitney Houston puts out, uh I Will Always Love You right and it's

people are like that's the greatest like song ever song but I bet you there was like a second take or a third take where she was like oh I nailed that part of the chorus but I messed up that one and we don't know that but in her mind she's like oh the final product like was never really the one yeah we don't know that but she does so in her mind she always's like, ugh, the final product was never really the one. We don't know that, but she does. So in her mind, she always hears that one note or that one thing that's off. But I also think that isn't it – it's just like, come on, use your brain. You know what a good – you're a fan of music, Whitney Houston. When you listen to other people sing, you know that sounds good.

When you can make the same noises, you know. I think I always say that with pretty girls and like hot chicks. It's like you know what a great butt looks like. And then when you look at yours and it looks like that, you have to be able to just objectively say I got a great ass. But people don't. They don't see it. It makes no sense. It's like just say it if you're fucking hot.

If you're talented, you are. If you're hot, you are. If you sound good, you sound good. But that's also coming from two guys who self-love like nobody else. So practice what you preach, Kevin. All right, let's start today's episode about 30 minutes in. Let's get into it. I feel like in this world, a lot of people are, their feelings on cologne are a little bit touchy.

I feel like sometimes cologne has like a certain connotation or you remember certain brands or certain smells and that, you know, you're not, you're just unsure. I feel like people get a little nervous about the cologne game. But let's call a spade a spade. When you smell good, when anything smells good, it makes all the difference in the world. My problem with cologne is that

I'm intimidated by it. I need someone to help me out like Hawthorne can do. Where it's just like, do this little survey and we'll fix something up for you. Because guess what? I don't know what most of the words even mean. I

know that eau de toilette makes you laugh and that's about it. But I don't know what most of the words mean. I don't know what most of the tones inflect. But if you told me, here's what you spray on you to smell like a whiskey drunk woodsman, well, that's what I'd like to smell like.

Whiskey drunk woodsman, well, that's what I'd like to smell like. Whiskey-drunk woodsman. I never understood quite why... Tiny whiskey-drunk woodsman. You said that so serious. I'd be a hawk on it. I'd be a hawk on it if you gave me a smell like that. I guarantee it. I never understood why

the cologne industry latched on to toilet water. Who did toilet? Like, you know what I mean? And I get it that it's a different language and all that shit. But, like, if that was me, I would avoid the whole toilet water thing. It doesn't really – it's the total opposite of what we're going here for. But when I think of, you know, when you walk through the mall and you're in like a department store or have you ever gone into Sephora for your girl's makeup and there's just smells everywhere? Or you – no, you've never done that?

I went into a Sephora one time. It was in Salamanca, España. And I went in there looking for the cologne that smelled like vaginas because I thought it was funny. And it was, it was, it was a big thing at the time. I remember this so vividly. We couldn't find it.

I'm sorry. Pussy cologne. Yeah. Yeah. It's I, I swear to God, it's a thing. Probably not a Hawthorne,

but I swear to God, it's a thing. Are you sure? Vulva? Yes. Vulva. There it is. Bam. The the original the real vaginal scent but i mean you know ordinarily people don't think that's a good smell yeah no you wouldn't want to

go around smelling like it i heard it it attracted women and i don't know. I figured, whoa, Europe, this place is crazy. They like the smell of vagina like other women do. And, again, I didn't find it, but I did go looking for it. That is one of the dumbest things I've ever fucking heard. The young, dumb Feidelberg being like, I'm going to go smell like pussy. This is why Hawthorne is going to help you out because you don't want to be the guy running around being like, give me the vulva. Give me that vulva. I didn't know how to look through a Sephora, obviously.

But I was like, I don't know, trying to find an alphabetical order. I was doing everything I could to avoid asking an attendant, like, hey, do you have vulva? And that's probably why I didn't find it because I didn't ask anyone. But nonetheless, I didn't track it down. If you ask for vulva, like, your life better depend on it. Otherwise, you don't go up to someone and say, you have the vulva cologne. Excuse me, I have some vulva, please. Yeah, and then, you know, things like Old Spice, you smell like a dad.

I remember Aqua Digio made you, I think, like, guidos. So there's a lot that goes on with picking the right scent. So I think a lot of times people just say, fuck it, I'm not doing it. How many times are people like, I'm not a cologne guy? It's like, oh, okay, dude, that means you just fucking smell bad. That means you go out on a date or you go to work and you smell like shit so you don't have to become a cologne guy you just have to acknowledge that smelling good is a good thing and i think it's one of the best things i think that when a girl or a guy or

whatever you're into they like hug you kiss you and they smell you they they like hug you, kiss you, and they smell you. They, they, like that is a, a, a thing that you're going to remember. The best story I ever heard about smells was, was it on this show? I don't know if it was on this show. I think it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember the girl who called in and she said that she leaned in and like hugged him and she smelled and she said something like, you smell just like my dad when he drinks.

Yeah, I do. Remember that? That was incredible. Like, you remind me of my daddy when he drinks moonshine. I don't know how I'd react to being told that, but I remember hearing the story. Classic. So anyway, Hawthorne, you go on to hawthorne.com.co, and you take a two-minute quiz,

and it tells you the two colognes that are best for you. So one quiz, two colognes. That means one for work, one for play, totally risk-free, free shipping, free returns. They're going to get you into the cologne game. Go to Hawthorne.co, H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E.C-O, and use the code KFC to get 10% off your purchase. That's Hawthorne.co, promo code KFC, to get 10% off.

Boy, we got existential on this one. We are deep in the game here. I did want to talk quickly a little Barstool DVR, mention the world of TV. We'll get into our I'm-not-the-asshole. We'll get into our voicemails. And we got two interviews today with an awesome interview with Patton Oswalt, and we had Nick Swartzen in here chopping it up with us laughing.

So two monster interviews for you, big-time episode. But I was waiting for this to happen, and I figured it was going to happen right around now. But it was the first person I heard say it. It came from Large on Barstool Breakfast. And he said he's on the verge. He's out on the Michael Jordan documentary. And I'm interested in that. I'm interested to see if this can finish up strong because I think it came in hot.

I think everybody loved it. Nobody had a bad word to say about it. And now I wonder if we're at the point where people are, like, afraid to speak up, afraid to say if they don't like it, afraid to go against the grain and be contrarian. And I didn't actually hear all the reasoning behind it, but I just saw the quote from Deke with Lars saying, I think I'm out on this. Where's your interest level as a guy who, you know, you're not a basketball guy, but you're interested in Jordan and all that shit. Are you still as captivated by it week to week?

Yes and no. I'm still going gonna watch every week i i think i think that's because you wanted i think that i think the the void that last dance is filling more so than sports is the collective experience experience uh but that that's what everyone's tuning in for to all watch this together because again what everyone wants tuning in for to all watch this together. Cause again, everyone wants, right. You want that shared experience and we haven't gotten that with the lack of sports. So in a way it's filling the sports quote unquote hole, but it's really just filling something that we can all watch together. And it's,

it's, I think, I think that this, this documentary is the drama of sports. And what I've learned through this quarantine is that I don't necessarily care for the competition. I mean, I like seeing highlights. I like seeing big plays. But I don't really need to see the game itself.

I like the storylines and the behind the scenes and the rivalries and shit. And that's what you're getting with a documentary. So to me, it's like I almost feel like I'd rather watch sports documentaries than sport events, like, for the rest of my life. But continue. But what was I going to say? I mean, I think it's probably three and three right now as far as good episodes. Yeah. Well, and that's –

Yeah, I think – I mean, to be out on it, I think is crazy. It might even be two and four mean to be out on it i think it's crazy like before to be honest i thought one was great and i thought episode four was great and then the other ones have been fine and i didn't turn them off but like this week i got pretty annoyed how it was all pitches like the kobe episode and kobe was on it for fucking 15 seconds that was that was some grimy like marketing i think like i think they knew that they could do that. I'll talk about this one great quote that Kobe had. It was a pretty good quote.

It was an okay quote. I thought that was actually pretty cool for a guy like Kobe Bryant to be the competitive freak that he is, to just flat out say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There's no comparison. That's, I think think a pretty rare thing but you're right i mean it wasn't like but i also didn't say there's no comparison he's like i i wouldn't beat michael or like i don't know i forget exactly what he said but it wasn't him saying like mike's the go it was him being like without mike there's me. That's a pretty big admit. That's just the guy who came before me.

That's who – whose plays I studied. I didn't take that – I didn't take that as him saying he's better, but I also didn't take it as him saying that's Michael's crap. But it was good. It was good. But there's – if there was other stuff on Sunday nights, I might watch it. Well, that's where I think – I personally would not because I love Jordan. I love that era.

That's where if we all say this instead, if we all, if the world decided we were watching something else, I'd watch that. So you're into it for the collective. I'm into it for the tweets and that kind of stuff. It's again, it's not bad.

I'm not saying it's bad. I'm not saying anything like that, but there's, it's just the, the bigger draw for me is like the live tweet's bad. I'm not saying anything like that. But there's – it's just the bigger draw for me is, like, the live tweet experience and the reading everyone else and stuff like that. I think that people – I think there's a lot going on here that I think is very interesting.

I think, one, for me personally, that team, that person, that era, like I was saying, I got to go to that All-Star game in 98, which was, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me at the time. I was like 13 years old. I was sitting like 10 rows from the court, and I watched Garnett and Kobe as the new guys with Jordan and everybody as the old guard in the garden. To me, that was like the best thing. So I'm not going to not watch this for anything. I can't think of anything else I'd rather watch.

I will say I'm officially out on the idea of documentaries that jump timelines not like thank god non-linear storytelling makes no sense you think you're so smart it just tell a story just tell the fucking story storytelling has not had to have been fiddled with for thousands and thousands of years. Cavemen sat around and drew. This is the first scene. This is the second scene. This is the third scene.

You don't need to go. Here's the seventh. Here's the first. Here's the eighth. Here's the second. Just tell me the fucking story. If you want to do, you know,

the opening scene of the movie is someone getting shot in the head and then you rewind and say 72 hours earlier. Okay, fine. But to be all over the map and especially when you're – I know that the last season is the focal point here as the last dance. I don't know what that is anymore. I don't know if I'd call it the focal point. I don't think that was –

The center point where it all draws back to. But I wouldn't call it the focal point. And that's the problem. I don't think that final season like if anything they should have done it with the 72 and 10 season because at the time that was the best team ever that would make more sense to me than just being the last season i had said to jared like if you did a red sox documentary and you focused on the 2004 reverse sweep and then and then you jumped around that would kind of make more sense to me because it's like there was this one time this one thing for a week long that's never been done before but for the final season to be it wasn't a big enough thing

to break the non-linear storytelling and also doing the if you're doing the 0-4 Red Sox with that series, it's still the same team. I was watching one episode, and I was like, wait, Rodman's back on the Pistons? Right. That's right. We've already addressed him being on the Bulls. How are we back? He's on the Pistons again.

Yeah, I don't like that. So that I for sure have a problem with. I also, I knew that, like, for Michael to be involved in this I also knew that for Michael to be involved in this, it was going to have to be his approval. But this is like... You're not going to hear a bad word about Michael Jordan. No.

They're not really going to get into the gambling. They're certainly not going to dive into any possible conspiracy talk. I mean, they said... The producer did say those questions were asked and answered. Oh, all right. Well, okay. But even then, I think it's going to be like, hey, Michael,

was there a conspiracy? No. Next question. Because I can't picture anything. I think he was on SNY or something like that. I forget. FAN maybe. The producer whose name escapes me the espn producer

was on and they said you know you guys are probably scared to talk about your michael's father's murder the conspiracies with michael's gambling with that and the producer said michael was eager to talk about it they said that all right he's aware of conspiracies he wanted to address them. Whether or not that was just what he told Talk Radio Show, I don't know. But that's what he said. All right. Well, I mean, I hope I'm wrong, man, because I started to get the feeling like, I mean, we're six episodes in now. And Michael being like, you're going to walk away from this thinking I'm like a bad guy.

I mean, I haven't caught a fucking whiff of that. Everything has been, you know, he's the hero. And what was my last point? I guess the idea of just like what else would you really watch right now? I can't imagine not. Oh, this is my point. I think we're now enough episodes in that it's becoming like – I think we're taking it for granted.

Because Michael Jordan is a very quiet, borderline recluse that you don't hear anything from. So if I tune in two hours a night and even just get one good sound bite from him, that's one more quote from Michael Jordan, who I think is one of the most fascinating people ever to live, that we didn't have prior to this. So we didn't, we didn't hear from Michael truly for like 20 years.

And now after like a few weeks, we're, we're, you know, we're going to be like, ah, this isn't good enough for me. It's like,

I think it's worth sitting through the nonlinear shit and two full hours. And it's like, oh, all right. They didn't tell the whole story that well, but we got to hear Michael. I thought when Michael honestly said, I'm so sick of this life. I want out.

I thought that was fascinating. That alone to me was worth it. To see his face and to see his genuine reaction of like, I don't want to do this anymore. So I don't begrudge anybody who doesn't like it. By the way, do you see the story today? He is not drinking whiskey. It is, I guess, a commercial. It's just...

It hasn't been revealed. I don't believe it will be on sale yet. Or maybe it is. Is it here? Is it like MJ Whiskey? Yeah, it's like... It's like MJ, the Buzz family, fucking Wick Rosbeck, who owns the Celtics. It's a bunch of them came together to create a whiskey. Here it is.

Cinco Tequila brand. Oh, tequila? Yeah, it's a tequila. He likes it in Yeho I always thought that dark tequila Brown tequila was trash So this is going to be like a quality dark tequila? Well, it comes in all the colors I'm looking at it right now

There's like a beige, a yellow And a silver But I just want to get the exact price right Before I ask you how much you think it costs a bottle. And you were breaking up when you said who was involved. You said someone on the Celtics, MJ. MJ,

Jeannie Buss, and Wick Grosbeck, who owns the Celtics. And then there are two other people who I don't know. Emilia Fazzolari and Wes Edens. By the way, as annoying as that is, because like we thought it was kind of genuine, I would,

I'm much more okay with it being like something he's involved in than if it was just like somebody purchased that as like a billboard. Yeah. And also, I don't know if it's really an ad because like, it's not. Well, that's what I mean.

Like if, if it was just like, Hey man, uh, if Patron came to him and was just like, how much for you to be drinking our liquor during your thing, which he would never do. You hear that story about how he turned down $100 million? Yeah, it's for two hours. Yeah, I mean, he ain't doing any ads if it's not for himself or his company. So I'm okay with that.

Did you find the price? Yeah, but it's also, it was a little misleading. So like the white, the Blanco is a 70 bucks. The Añejo is 130. The bottle he is drinking, that bottle is 1500 each. I just, all that shit, you know, will be the 14th or whatever, 1472, I don't even know these brands because I drink trash.

I just, some of them have got to be just completely branding, right? I guess that's just like the MJ liquor, right? It can't be that much better than the fucking rest. It's just that MJ drinks it. Right. Yeah. come on now um so anyway i i'm interested to see if people are going to start to kind of i think the honeymoon's over with the mj documentary and you're going to start to get some actual honest takes and i wonder if people are uh large was the first i heard although the minifans jumped out my throat and were like, Kirk said he hated this shit week one.

Like, give respect. I'm like, oh, okay. Kirk hated something first. You win. All right, let's play a little Am I the Asshole, eh? Am I the Asshole today is brought to you by Mac. I have a Barstool DVR take. Watch normal people. Next.R take. Watch normal people.

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uh, when you go to mac weldin.com, uh, use promo code KFC, mac weldin.com promo code KFC, you get 20% off your first order. Uh, and,

uh, if you don't like your first pair of boxers, you can keep them and let them know, and they'll send you your money back. So no questions asked if you don't like the boxers, but you're gonna. So go to macweldon.com, use the promo code KFC and get 20% off. Time to play a little. Am I the asshole? Who goes first today? By the way, did we declare a winner on top five this past week? We should keep track. We should have the people. Every week we're going to tweet out who won top fives and we'll have a little running tally.

Because I would say whoever wins top five Tuesdays can go first on Am I the Asshole? So I'm just going to go ahead and give myself a W. Okay. I was going to say I'll take the W but give you the first try here for some gentlemen. Mr. Tough Guy over here. All right. We're going to start off with today's – we have four am I the assholes. This one is about restaurant behavior.

Am I the asshole for ordering my sandwiches, pickles, and cheese on the side and refrigerated before bringing brought out to me? And this guy says, if you let the cooks assemble your sandwich in the kitchen, by the time the girl manages to get it to the table, spoiler alert, Reagan is not happy that he said the girl. Can't do that. A little misogynistic. I mean, granted, I'll be referring to him as a vincit. It seems to be a very regular thing for him uh not all waitresses are women thank you very much you jerk you know what's scary is that i like when i read that i jumped out at me i don't i don't i don't think that way but i knew i was like oh that's gonna be a problem can't do it i i know

that's interesting because i think there are times – I actually think – I think I may have expressed this before where I think that we have gone so crazy in like counterculture kind of deal where people will jump down your throat and say, oh, that's racist, preparing for other people to say it's racist when they weren't going to say it to begin with. Yeah, you're right. You're right. It's definitely – It's almost like the people, like the right-wing people who are so like, you can say what you want, are going to – like no one is going to care. And you quickly jumped down my throat when it's just like, no, dude, that's – you're going too crazy to counter their crazy,

and no one knows what kind of crazy we can be anymore. What do you think? He's probably referring to a specific instance. But also, if you just say something like that, I probably know you're going to be a dick. I wouldn't say anything verbally. I would just go, well, kind of an asshole. You could just say the waitress, too, and you're basically accomplishing the same thing, but it sounds fine that way.

Anyway, by the time the girl manages to bring it to the table, the pickles and the cheese have been warmed up by the rest of the sandwich. So I always tell them to put the pickles and the cheese on a different plate, put the plate in the fridge while the sandwich or burger is being cooked, and just bring it all out to me together. Then I put the rest of it together just before I eat it, so the pickles have a cold crunch, and the cheese has a sharp taste. If it's all the

same temperature, it's practically mush. May as well not even be the cheese or the pickles. Anyway, I was dining out with my mother, which rarely goes well for one reason or another. Oh, I hate women, you fucking dick. Somehow it always manages to end in a fight. And so I just ignore her until she begs to see me again. This is clear cut now.

See, this is how you know right away, right? You're like, you're a fucking asshole because you have mommy issues. And now you're a fucking misogynistic piece of shit but i just said misogynistic this time she took offense to my sandwich order and told me that if she had received that order when she was a waitress i would have laughed i would have been laughed out of the restaurant so i told her that's uh the reason why she's no longer a waitress because all you have to do is be kind to customers and she couldn't even manage that much. Then things got awkward and we both sat there and didn't say anything.

And eventually we were at the point where we're not having dinner together. If we're not even going to talk. So I got up and left. So they haven't had dinner together in six months. And naturally, because we just took a sharp left turn for the final, like three quarters of that, people all are saying, bro, this ain't about the pickles.

This ain't about the pickles or cheese. So, yeah, this dude, this guy has some Norman Bates mommy issues, no doubt about it. But as far as that restaurant behavior, I think you could order things on the side. You cannot ask someone to put a plate of pickles and cheese in the fridge. You can't do it. See, when you told about this before the show, I thought the exact opposite was happening. You cannot ask someone to put a plate of pickles and cheese in the fridge You can't do it See here's

But when you told about this before the show I thought the exact opposite was happening And I was okay with that I thought he was asking for the pickles On a plate before So it could get out of the fridge And warm up Because that I'm okay with

You like warm pickles? I like them not freezing. I can't. My teeth are sensitive. I can't have, like, a freezing cold pickle or a freezing. I can't have a really cold anything with a warm thing. Like, people put, like, apples in their salad or grapes in the salad. Like, when I get to the grape, I'm in significant pain because it hurts my fucking teeth.

Is that because of tobacco? It's probably part tobacco. But I also, I've just it hurts my fucking teeth. Is that because of tobacco? It's probably part tobacco, but I've always had really sensitive teeth. Tobacco surely doesn't help. What strips in the tobacco? It's not a good recipe. Right. When I eat something, the whole plate has to be

the same temperature. I eat things one at a time unless everything's the same plate and then I'll chop it up and put it together at the same temperature that's why i i eat things i eat things one at a time unless unless everything's the same plate and then i'll chop it up put it together the same temperature but if it's like if it's something like i don't know fucking a cold sandwich or a cold salad and a hot sandwich or i don't know it's just i eat one whole thing and i eat the other whole thing because my mouth's got to get adjusted to the temperature so that's why I was thinking he was getting like he didn't want a sharp change in temperature.

That's why he wanted them out of the fridge first. Well, now, if you're doing a burger, you want the cheese to be melted. You don't want it to be like a cold piece of cheese just slapped on a burger. That's nuts. A sandwich, I think, is different. If you have like a chicken cutlet sandwich and you want maybe the cheese to...

I don't know. I think it's either... If you have a cold sandwich through and through, then it doesn't matter. If you have like a chicken cutlet sandwich and you want maybe the cheese to – I don't know. I think it's either – if you have a cold sandwich through and through, then it doesn't matter. If you have anything that's a hot sandwich, I think you want the cheese to be melted or hot as well. Pickles I think you can order on the side. Pickles on the side, fine. But you can order things to be kept in the fridge until the last minute and then brought out in separate plates. You're just asking too much. you see where you at no i mean i i would never do that but it's just you understand when it happens i just eat in pain but i i get it if it's if someone was like i the temperature is too much i think you know what man i understand. I'm not that kind of person, but I get where you're coming from.

It's not fucking sweet. This guy's an asshole for many reasons, and I think the fridge is the final straw as far as restaurant behavior. Next up. You go ahead. Okay. We're going to start with one, and then we're going to go to the big one. Would I be the asshole if I secretly spend my wife's inheritance? This isn't the big one. My wife recently unexpectedly inherited a large sum of money from an elderly lady for whom she used to work as a housekeeper.

She had worked for her for the last five years, during which time they had become quite close, as she seemed to be the only contact to the outside world. And to my knowledge, she had a living family. I have big plans for my wife's inheritance. This is life-changing money, which should be invested rather than wasted. The problem with this, though, is that my wife disagrees with me. She wants to do something in the elder lady's memory and also donate some of it to a worthy cause, which the elderly lady supported. While I do appreciate my wife's generosity, I truly think this is not a good way to use his inheritance. I tried telling her to

leave this to me while she's grieving big mistake we had a huge argument about oh i didn't even know that part was coming right away yep we had a huge argument about it which would which ended up with her threatening me that she won't join bank accounts with me anymore and won't give me access to her inheritance i truly believe my wife is not thinking clearly at the moment and i'm considering investing it before it's too late. Would I be the asshole if I do it? I mean, I think you would also maybe be like the criminal if you did that. I don't think that's allowed. Why? I don't think that that – I mean, I guess maybe legally.

My man's got at least half this money. That's half his. They didn't sign your prenup before, expecting an elderly lady to die. We want prenup! We want prenup! This is half his money. At the very least, he can take his half and invest it. I don't think that's how it works.

Of course it's how it works. You're married. It's your money. Nah, I don't think. I think that people think that divorces and shit are like the movies where it's just like half. You get half. And it's not really that way. I don't know the rules though.

So this guy is saying the inheritance, she died. We got the inheritance. It's now currently in our joint bank account. And so he's able to – It didn't seem like that. She said something like we won't join. We had a huge argument. But he said he was thinking about spending it before – investing it before she, like, can do that.

So it must mean that it's somewhere that he has access to right now, right? Yeah, yeah. That's where – I don't know the legality of that where it's just like if I have my inheritance, but I put it in an account that you have access to and then you spend it, I could see the law maybe being like you put it in an account that he has permission to use and you fucked up. But I'm pretty sure if it's your inheritance, you get to decide where it goes. Dude, fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Dude, this is a feminist podcast. This is an equality podcast.

Guess what? You didn't get inheritance. We got inheritance. You didn't get inheritance. That's what's happening. Okay? You want to give some of your fucking money? We'll split it in half. You want to give some of your fucking money? We'll split it in half.

You want to give some of your money to worthy causes? That's fine. Daddy's getting a jet ski. Okay? Daddy's going to Dave and Buster's. He's getting a fucking DMV card, electric card, son of a bitch. Going to play pop a shot all night, come home with a couple stuffy annies, and I'm gonna

be happy as a fucking clam. But, don't worry, I'll pop by Jared's on the way home and get you a nice drink, but I'm going to the mall, and I'm spending a bag, okay? I saw Richie Mitchell

as a kid. All I ever wanted to do was one time in a mall where money didn't mean shit and that's what this old lady fucking in a coffin is doing for me oh i'll go to jared's every kiss begins with k don't worry bro i got you but i i'm also getting my shit i i think what's what's extra funny here i i think there's actually probably a very legitimate discussion to be had where it's like you're not thinking in the right frame of mind like grandma died and she she loved uh the american red cross from like her time in world war ii and so i think we should donate all this money and it's like dude in two weeks when you realize that grandma that grandma's die and that's just what they do, you're going to want to have that money back.

I think there's a legitimate discussion to be had about blowing large sums of money on charity. I love how I say blowing it on charity. But it kind of is. It kind of is. Yeah. Yo, hey. I got a charity for you. It's your fucking husband and his childhood dreams.

Okay? I always wanted to take BP at Fenway. All right, Stephanie? No, no. I think here's a very real-life example for you. I'm going to sound like an asshole, but fuck it. I'm going to tell you the truth. When Dana B donated all of that money to the Fratys,

while it was a very generous thing to do. I think he was a prisoner of the moment. I think he was caught up. And I think that donating a big, big chunk to ALS would have been just as gracious, and that could have been a life-altering sum of money for Dana B. I think that this couple, this guy, could have been like, let's donate to your grandma's cause, but let's also make sure we can buy a house because that's what grandma would have wanted.

But I don't think you can go rogue and buy, you know, and spend it on Fenway batting practice before your wife knows. I don't think you can do that. I don't think it's allowed. Are you an asshole? Yes. Am I with you? Absolutely.

Yes. No doubt about it. I'd be like, look, like, because guess what? We've been splitting my paycheck for fucking seven years, haven't we? Time to split some inheritance money. Yeah, that is true. That's so true. If you put together, I don't know how long they've been married.

Let's say they've been married. He knows she's been working there for at least five years. So I'm going to add three years to it, right? I'll add four years to it. Let's say they've been together nine years. Odds are they have split about the amount of money this inheritance is, right? They said it's a life-changing amount of money. So I'm going to guess.

A couple years worth of salary, yeah. Let's say this is $100,000. Good inheritance. Nice chunk of change when you don't expect it coming. Right. I bet they split over $100,000, or at least he split over $100,000 in that time. And if they had just gotten that in one lump sum, it would be assumed. We split this.

This is our money. Well, guess what? It's our fucking money. Here it is. Yeah. It's happening now. Also, he doesn't seem to be as big a child as I am. He's like, well, I want to invest this.

He doesn't want to light it on fire in the backyard and see how long it's going to work. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's totally fair. It it's like fuck you and your charity let's let's spend this wisely on us here's a morbid question for you have you ever thought about or even or planned about like inheritance money no yeah me. Until like right now. Like I've never thought about it. I've thought about it. Yeah, I've never.

Until right now, I just ask myself, I wonder how much money I'm going to get from my parents. I've never had that thought until right now. Oh, I was thinking about me dying. No, you receiving money. Oh, no. I haven't really thought about that. No, because I'm past the age where it's fun i think where it's what where it's fun where it's like if i die if my parents die when i was 18 i got a ton of money i could have a fucking ball with that shit now like i just want to sit on the couch anyway so who fucking cares but like we would you know you

might be able to like buy a house or do some major shit. Anytime I've ever thought about my parents dying, because I'm an awesome son, I've just never thought about inheritance. I wonder if there's scumbags out there who are just like, well, yeah, but when mom and dad die, I'm going to get paid. I feel like

if you're... I don't think there's enough of a discrepancy in like my family and like – What you have. Like I'm financially sound. So like – Yeah. They're not billionaires.

So like it's not some massive amount of money I'd get. I have no idea what it would be, but it's not like – it wouldn't be anything – I love the bank figure, but it wouldn't change things anymore. I thought you were asking about when I die. And yes, I have thought about that, where I would just leave it to my parents, but it would come with the note, distribute this amongst my siblings. Or, you know, your eventual, like, wife. Well, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you remember when Dave said to Kirkman Ann that you're in the business of your parents dying? No. When we were in Miami and the Penn deal went down, Dave had said something about me. He was like, KFC is going to have as much money as I had. And then someone said, well, Kirk is like just as rich as you are right now. And Kirk flat out said on, on, on radio, he's like, yeah, I have 15 million in the bank. And Dave was like, what? Like, how much did you get paid? And he was like, well, you know, mom and dad left me some. And Dave was like, well, I mean, that doesn't count. Like, I'm in,

I'm in like the blog business. You're in the dead parents business. I was like, oh. It was the meanest, harshest, rudest thing I think I've ever heard someone say. Kirk was like, well, yeah, I mean, I guess so. Jesus fucking Christ, Dave. Brutal. Okay. Am I the asshole three? Am I the asshole for not wanting my fiance to get a co-worker as a stripper for her bachelorette party?

I got the burps right now. So I should start off by saying that I completely understand that my fiance's bachelorette party has nothing to do with me. Well, that sounds like we're not going to go down that road. I shouldn't have any say in it, and I really shouldn't know anything about what goes on. Her bachelorette party, though, is in a week, and her sister has been planning it. I've heard them mention things before about the party, and she's really excited. But yesterday, her and her sister were talking while I was in the front room, and I overheard them talking about how her sister is hiring one of my fiance's co-workers to be the stripper. I've been at a couple of events where he's been and after she's had a few drinks, she gets really flirtatious with this guy in front of me. Other people have even mentioned it to me, including her sister.

She will start to play fight with him and stand outside with him for hours while he smokes, even though she doesn't. I brought it up to her and she's told me that she's not flirting. She's just being friendly because he's the easiest one to talk to. It bothers me because there's a certain level of professionalism with professional strippers. They come in, they do their job, they pack up and they go to the next one and you don't see them again. But if she gets a coworker for a stripper, she's going to have to see them every day of the week. I'm going to have to see him at barbecues because they have mutual work friends. I know that I have a lot of insecurities, but it would really make me uncomfortable if I had to go to a barbecue with this guy that was dancing on my wife naked. And who knows? And who knows what a month ago?

It would really just embarrass me. I brought it up to my girlfriend and I said to her, why wouldn't you just want professional hunk strippers that know what they're doing rather than some coworker? She said that her sister wanted him and she's planning the party and he's a kid, 22. My wife is 25. I told her that it would make me uncomfortable to be around him. And she's going to have to see this guy at work from now on on she told me it's just fun and i have nothing to worry about am i the asshole i feel like this is uh like a ken jack post where he makes like all those jokes like a nick post where they make all the jokes about their their girlfriend blatantly cheating on them i mean this is some big time cuck shit that you're even asking this fucking question no yes obviously but the more obvious question where does she work yeah yeah where are

you working let me go in the comments here and see if there's any uh further because like we need to know a lot more about who, what, when, where, why. Where are you working that it's just completely normal to ask your co-worker if they want a strip for you? People think we work in a fucking frat house. Guess what? I can't ask any of our fucking co-workers if they want a strip at my bachelor

party. Maybe you got it. Or the girls. I feel like to even – for a 20 – it's a 22-year-old dude. This is so wildly like crazy inappropriate that like the girls thinking that this is like okay on any level is nuts. Where do you think that they would – isn't there just like working in an office and he's just like a jacked 22-year-old college boy and like – I guess like she has to be a bartender and he's also a bartender or something like that. That's the only thing that could be a possible reasonable explanation for like I knowingly and out to my coworkers strip on the side.

There's no world. You can't be fucking strutting into Deloitte. And they're like, hey, Ricky, I was swinging that dick this weekend. It's just not accepted. Imagine some dude's leaving Deloitte and he's like, all right, time to go to my night job. And he's got the big teddy bear head under his arm. All right, time to go. This dude, even

having... This guy's probably fucking thrilled, though. If you're a male stripper, when you get a call for a bachelorette party, that's gotta be crazy. Because I'm willing to bet you male stripping, mostly stripping for males. Yeah, oh yeah.

This gets tossed around the locker room at the old boys strip club. They're like, dude, he got a mostly stripping from males. Yeah. Oh yeah. I think that way this is, this gets tossed around the locker room at the, at the old boy strip club. They're like, dude, he got a chick's bachelorette party this weekend. That's the fucking Holy grail. Jackpot. And I would also go to say that,

uh, well, maybe this is, this is like ruined in my mind by porn, but I'm like, I'm pretty sure you're coming on like all those girls. I don't think it's just like, in my mind, they're not just like, let's dance. I feel pretty sure you're coming on all those girls. I don't think it's just like in my mind, they're not just like, let's dance.

I feel like you're going to fuck all of them. I feel like dude strippers don't go dick out. I feel like they go on those little fucking hammocks. Yeah, they wear the banana hammocks, but I also feel like if you're really, like these girls planning this party,

I feel like it's also going to include a trip to the back room before you're really like these these girls partying uh planning this party i feel like it's also going to include like a trip to the back room before you're before you're done i don't know if it's just like we're gonna dance the madonna i think it's like and then and then you're gonna fuck me what she should do she should claim that it's the sister-in-law like oh my sister-in-law has a crush on him she wants him there it has nothing to do with me this is so obvious it's too obvious you fucked it up. Once you start play fighting, you might as well have sex.

If you're an adult who play fights with someone... Dude, this is very... This is Jim and Pam in the office when he picks her up. Stop it. That's one step away from having sex. That's more intimate than having sex. Yeah, I think you can make that argument.

I think, yeah, it's very like summer camp-esque. You know what I did one time in summer camp? This is the most sexual fucking thing I've ever done. There was this girl named Anna, rocket, exotic girl, fat ass. We were in like eighth grade, and we were play fighting with ping pong paddles, slapping each other on the ass. That's sexual. Literally fights running around the ping pong table,

like trying to catch each other. And I'm whacking her on the ass in the middle of fucking summer camp. I was like, that's crazy. I'm putting that one. I just, I'm putting that on my body count. I'm adding to the middle of fucking summer camp. I was like, that's crazy. I'm putting that one, I'm putting that on my body count. That was sex. That's how intimate that is. Anna left the room for a second. Kevin took it

too far, tied himself to the big bar table with jump ropes. She came back in and was like, what is happening? Are you ready? Let's go. I'm sorry. This guy, I think, worse than the than the uh the idea for the strip the party is like we would go to a work event and she would stand outside with him for hours while you're just standing inside like a chump i mean come on dude this this relationship is

almost like there's been a verbal prenup that if she cheats, it's okay. Like, this guy's not allowed to get – she's told you explicitly, I'm going to have sex with this guy and probably some others. And you've just agreed to it. It's just a verbal contract. You're in now. I think that they could go to a court of law in, like, the divorce trial, and I think they could play the well, what did you expect defense? I think that would stand up in the court of law. Like, Your Honor, what did he expect? And they'd be like,

case closed. You're right. I mean, what the fuck else did you expect? Yeah, this guy, this girl is an absolute asshole, but this dude's the asshole for letting any of this carry on and even considering allowing this. Even just putting up this Reddit post, you're an asshole. But this dude is the asshole for letting any of this carry on and even considering allowing this. Like, even just putting up this Reddit post, you're an asshole too.

Let's do one more asshole here before we get into our voicemails. They are brought to you by Grubhub. Grubhub is saving the world right now as we are all trapped at home. You can't go out to your favorite restaurants. You can't go grab a bite. But what you can do is order from your local favorite spots, have it delivered right to your door. You keep the restaurants alive.

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So go to the Grubhub app and enter promo code KFCRADIO, and you'll get $10 off an order of $15 or more for new diners. Last one. Go ahead, Fights. Real quick. I guess there's another Daily Beast thing coming out. Okay.

The guy, Robert Silverman, emailed Dave and was like, you said on your show Barstool's losing millions in ad revenue. Are you willing to take a pay cut? Dave just responded, I know who you are, dickface. His deadline is 7 Eastern.

I think it comes out tonight. Robert Silverman, right? His name is Robert Silverman? He's an actual clown and that will just never, you will never matter ever again. Your writing does not matter.

You could expose corruption and evil and you could be a, you could, Robert Silverman could cure COVID right now. And my first thought would be, you're a clown, dude, a literal clown. When are you going to, when are those, when are people going to gonna give up especially the clown like do you think that this is some gotcha no fucking kidding dave portnoy is not gonna take a pay cut to to save ad revenue from coronavirus what who why is anybody else doing that is anybody else just saying like all right i don't have to make any money no and it says like to to try to save like employees jobs or something it's like yeah i mean well first of all i mean until barstool is like firing people left

and right i mean yeah we might we might be taking a hit on ad revenue, but I don't think we're in dire straits over here. I don't know, but I also know – I mean like Dave should – I don't think Dave should take a big cut. I think that's – Dave is working very hard. Right. right that that to me is one of the silliest angles and we haven't read it yet so maybe maybe he has a different angle here but to just say hey your company's taking a bit of a hit are you willing to personally pay like make up the difference it's like every time we have a bad like quarter is dave supposed to pay the difference? Fucking no. If we were firing tons of people

left and right, and Dave was just drowning in Scrooge McDuck money, even then, I don't think that's not what he's supposed to do. But until that happens, what's even the angle here? All right, we're losing a little bit of money, but nobody's lost their job nobody's very strange to be asked like asking like the only media

company that isn't firing people like are you gonna pick up everyone if if he just laid off like 50 people and then was making videos of him like burning money i could again i still don't think that would be up to him to take a pay cut, but I could at least understand the angle of this article. Right now, as far as I know, we're okay. Get the fuck out of here, clown. It's ridiculous. All right, quick, one last M.I. the Asshole.

This one I get a kick out of. I feel like fights, you maybe could even, you and Y.P. could certainly relate to this one. I feel like it's you, Y.P., chaps, I think anybody who maybe has a little bit of a pee-pee problem could perhaps relate to this one. Am I the asshole for putting my dog's wee-wee pads on the bathroom floor because my boyfriend has bad aim and keeps on missing the toilet? My boyfriend, 30, and I, 28, have been together about a year when our city implemented lockdown. I live alone. I have the nicer apartment. He has several roommates. So they're living together.

Mostly it's been going well, and thankfully we both still have jobs, except in the first few weeks I started noticing the bathroom floor was suddenly always wet around the toilet. The sink is across the room from the toilet, so it's unlikely to be the sink. At first I thought it might be water, but soon realized that it was definitely pee. I asked my boyfriend about it nicely. He apologized and said sometimes he has bad aim. I asked him to try a little harder, and he said sure.

The floor continued to be frequently spattered with piss, and a few weeks later, I confronted him about it again because I think it's pretty gross to step in his pee several times a week, and it seems like an easy thing to fix. If he misses the toilet, I think the very least he could do is make sure he wipes it up with toilet paper or a Clorox wipe. The cleaning supplies even live in the cabinet directly there. He said, sure. He would try to remember to do that. Another week has come and gone. Spatters and piss. I thought about asking him to just pee into the bathtub or something instead, because I don't understand how you could not

clean up the pee on the floor and have this accident so often. So last night I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I stepped in his piss for the five billionth time I had had it. I didn't want to pick a fight. So I got one of my dog's wee wee pads from when he was a puppy. I cut it up and taped it down to make a sort of skirt around the bath, around the toilet. My boyfriend saw it this morning and was furious with me, saying that I'm calling him a dog, comparing him to an animal. Honestly, I was not thinking at all like that. I was just trying to be resourceful and solve the problem for myself since I don't like this on our bathroom floor and I don't like stepping in it. I didn't feel like arguing about it anymore and putting down a material specifically meant

to absorb pee seemed like a practical solution. Am I the asshole? Not at all. This is like one of those make the airplane out of the black box. Make the whole floor out of a piss pad. I don't give a shit. I'll tell you who the asshole

is. It's the pee pants guy for being so offended. I mean, you know, asshole is. It's the pee pants guy for being so offended. I mean, you know, you're treating me like a dog. I'm an animal. It's like, no, I don't know. You're a fucking animal. I'll tell you what. You know what the problem is?

I think this is going to be counterproductive. I think this guy is going to just let it fly now. Yeah, I would. I'd have to spite. Yeah. I think there's going to be counterproductive. I think this guy's going to just let it fly now. Yeah, I would. I'd have to spite. Yeah. I think he's going to do like, he's just going to go like this. I think it's going to be absolutely everywhere. I'd have a techno party every time.

I just walk in the room, take my pants down, and just fucking dance for like a minute straight. Whatever. No rhyme or reason i'd i'd just be like one of those fucking inflatable things outside a car dealership like wherever this shit goes it goes and you're gonna have to deal with it but like i i also i want to say i'm not uh offended by this because i am actually very accurate peter i do get some excess in my pants occasionally but when i'm in the toilet i'm quite accurate yeah i don't think i have a problem with this although i do um i think i'll do that shit where like a machine gun you pinch it off and just aim to different parts of the

toilet i practice my aim i don't when i go to when i just go pee it's not just a bodily function it's game time the game yeah it's a challenge i like to hit the backboard right between the water and the back. I like to hit that spot so I don't make it. That's how fast I can get the toilet water spinning. Really? Like a tornado? Yeah, like in an above-ground pool when you run around. I just go on the outer rim and try to see how big a circle I can get going.

By the way, that's always my argument for why above ground pools while being white trash are so awesome the wave pools and the whirlpools in the above ground it's the most fun you can have in a pool it's great yeah they're fun uh i um i you know who does who deserves a lot more credit in this world the man or woman who invented or or came up with the idea it's it's not in it's not in home bathrooms but in public bathrooms to cut out the front of the toilet seat oh i disagree totally disagree i think that that that lets people get lazy oh i don't i mean i guess well that that's like the pee pads it's like if you give someone an inch they take a mile right because then you fucking because guess what that little that little part right there covered in pissing hair all the time if you got it on the seat you'd wipe that shit if you got a little part yeah i've

seen i mean not i've seen hairs i've seen my share of hairs on there and then you get there and you're sitting down you're staring at it you're like oh what the fuck right but but i i feel like i uh it was just a smart move that it's like because even even when you're you got good aim and you're like, oh, what the fuck? Right, but I feel like I, uh, it was just a smart move that it's like, because even when you got good aim and you're in control, when it starts to, you know, your piss starts to recede and then you gotta kind of lean a little forward. Yeah, you gotta

choke up on the bat a bit. You what? You gotta choke up on the bat. You gotta lean into the box a bit. You got to get that shoulder out there. You're down 0-2, buddy. You're down 0-2. You got to do what you can to get on base.

I love it. I love it. All right, let's do some voicemails. This is a monster pod right here, babe. Voicemails are brought to you by Stitch Fix. Stitch Fix right now is truly the best and arguably only way to be getting these fits off. You can't go to the store. You can't go to the mall. You can't run around shopping, but you still want to get clothes and you want to be up on the latest trends,

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You like all the items, you take all of them. If you don't like any of the items, you send them all back, and you don't have to pay for anything. It's one of the most convenient ways to get your clothes without having to go shopping, without having to worry about any of it. When you go to stitchfix.com and you use the promo code KFC, you will get – when you go to stitchfix.com slash KFC, you'll get 25% off your whole box when you keep everything in it.

So for your first order, you keep all of them, you get 25% off, and the $20 will go towards the styling fee. It's already baked in. And so you go to stitchfix.com slash KFC, keep everything in your box, and get an extra 25% off when you start ordering today. What do we got, Nick? I got a question I was thinking about. And it seems like an easy question first. Probably is. Maybe is for you guys.

Anyways, what is better, a good dream or a bad dream? Perfect. is better, a good dream or a bad dream? My thinking is I'd rather have a bad dream because the bad dream ends and then you wake up and it's over. You're back in real life. You're happy that it's not a bad dream. But when you have a good dream or even a great dream, you get brought to the absolute peak of happiness. Live the life, and

then you get dropped right back into your shitty reality. Then you feel like shit. So the good dreams... Yeah, we get it. That to me is a pretty philosophical question, and I think it's... I think he's right.

Oh, it's definitely... It's right oh it's definitely it's a bad dream for sure yeah i mean i had a good dream like like again we were just talking i can't believe we're talking about dreams again but the uh like the sex dream or anything like that i've never i can't you know i'm sure i've had one you son of of a bitch. But I can't remember one. But the bad ones are fun because you get to live life on the wild side a little bit. It's like going into a virtual reality thing or going to Westworld. You get to live like a bad boy for a bit. And then when TSA almost catches you because you, Hank, and PFT are smuggling drugs back from the Super Bowl, you just wake up. Just, you know, hypothetically,

just like throw it off the couch. That was my dream the other day. And I told my brother about it. He's like, I think that was a memory. I'm like, I don't know. But the... I think the problem is, like I've woken up from bad dreams and been like so rattled by it

that I'm like, like I'm starting the day at like 3.30 in the morning because I'm like so fucked up from it that's a that's a latent life occurrence I've had like bad enough dreams I think it's more just like my like crippling anxiety and like depression coming through as opposed to just like oh wow that was like a scary dream it's more like I wake up and I'm like oh I was having that bad dream because I have a lot of fucking issues. I realize the reasoning behind the dream that fucks me up real good. But yeah, I think, yeah, there's nothing worse than A, realizing that your dream is not reality. And B, when you wake up out of a dream, especially in the middle of the night,

and all you want to do is go back to sleep and recapture it and start it over and you just can't so never had that that i i think it's funny because the bad one you wake up a you're up because you don't want to go back to sleep and that's a huge issue with my life that's that honestly you can call it first world problems you can call it whatever you want My biggest issue in life Is going back to sleep once I'm awake It's a huge problem I deal with it on a daily basis

What time do you wake up? What time do you wake up? What are we talking about? Recently, it's been like 7.30 It's not sweet But usually I'm up at like 7.30 I thought you were going to say a.m you can start your day at 7 30 in the morning yeah people tell me that i think it's bullshit um but the uh what

what do i do starting at 7 30 in the morning kevin i have nothing to do listen you're right you're right like i i yeah sure i could start my day at 7 a.m. I could start at 3 a.m. I'm still going to be doing nothing for a while. It's just a fact of life. And the what was I going to say? Oh, yeah.

So when you're up, you're up. And then also, I lost track. I'm out. I'm out. Next question. I'm not going to translate. I lost track i'm out i'm out next question yeah i'm not gonna translate well i lost my name is ella i'm a first time long time i have a question because i'm fighting with my guy friends as a girl would you rather be with a girl and before you bring her home ask if if she's had any STDs and if it's okay to hook up or go through the whole night and then once you're in bed,

ask if you've hooked up. Because as a girl, I think I'd rather at that point when we're in bed, you ask out of courtesy than earlier in the night. Because I think if earlier in the night, you think I'm a whore

that's just going to go home with you. So what's the move here? Ask earlier in the night because i think it's earlier than that you think i'm a sport that's just gonna go home with you so what's the what's the move here ask earlier than night you don't waste your time or ask later where i think it's more like respectable thanks i got two things quick here one we gotta talk about this hair on my head that's just hanging here i look like a fucking movie star right now. This thing is... I might as well be Superman. I don't know if they're casting a new Superman, but let's go with a ginger version because this thing is

beautiful. It's not like it's staying... It bounces but it's staying in place. Bounce, Kevin! Just tap it and make it bounce. Yeah. I think it was so hard to find this. Diving board.

Second of all, who is this? Who is this lady? And what is she talking about? I have an option. You ask someone if they've ever had an STD before. I have an option. See, we don't talk about this at all. Never in my life. Have I asked someone if they had an STD before? I have an option C. We don't talk about this at all. Never in my life have I asked someone if they had an STD. She said at the bar. Would you ask someone at the bar

if they have an STD? Here's a Miller Lite. It's delicious. It's refreshing. Great taste. Less calories. By the way, chlamydia, yes or no? What is this? Fucking high school where passing notes back and forth? Have you had the burn? Yes or no?

She says asking me at the bar makes me feel like I'm a whore because you're assuming I'm going to go home with you and have sex with you. How about just asking if you fuck so many people that you're diseased from it? I mean, all of these questions are going to make you feel like a whore at any time. No one's allowed to ask me if I've ever had an STD. No one knows. Like, my wife won't be able to. Like, you can't ask me about it. That's not your business.

HIPAA. This is a violation of the oath and the code. That's true. This is a HIPAA violation. If you want to know my medical history, break into my doctor's office and steal the files like everyone else does. Doctor, doctor, patient confidentiality, bitch. I mean, that's not. I'm not. First of all, by the way, I'm also i mean that's not i'm not first of all by the way i'm also not asking like if you have to ask you know the answer you know i mean

if you're hooking if you're talking to a girl and you're like really it's starting to creep in your head you're really worried about it then this this girl and guy, they must be a whore. Well, I have never been speaking to someone and said, I bet this person has an STD. It's never crossed my mind. But if it did, it must be because the way they're talking and the way they're acting, you're thinking to yourself, oh, boy, they have fucked a lot, like anything.

Let me correct myself. The only person I've ever spoken to and said this person has an STD is Chris DiStefano because he's always telling me about the STD. He does. I'm thinking it's a stone cold fact at all times. That's the only time I've ever been like, okay, this person. No one else has I've been like,

look, I've seen people who have said you've probably had an STD before, but I'm not a bomb sniffing dog. I'm not going to tell you if you got cancer or what. I don't know what your fucking yeast smells like. Maybe in your past at some point you've had an STD, but no one have I been speaking to currently

thinking, I bet it burns when they go to the bathroom. When you said yeast, that really kind of bubbled up on me. Now when that female artist baked the bread with her yeast? Nope. Last voicemail. Last voicemail before interviews. Let's go. How about the one who was

swollen? Remember she had her period and she put a bunch of yarn in her vagina and then she spilled a sweater out of it or something? Kind of cool design, if I'm being honest. You're vile. Hey, KFC. I'm from D.C. I need

some advice and I've constantly been calling in for a bit but after the heather brooks chat the other week and the call back to the time to booted call girl i figured it was my time uh to preface the story i've required a special set of skills and put it quickly i handle a shaft like heather brooks partly due in fact because i used her videos when i was younger to learn. But it's my favorite thing to do. And I take pride in my dead fucking skills. I haven't hooked up with too many guys either.

I just kind of honed in my craft over the years. But with great power comes great responsibility. And I always get crazy nervous when I go to hook up with a new guy because I don't want him to think I'm a psycho if I suck the life out of him through his cock. So my question to you, would you rather a girl with my particular set of skills,

A, warn you before we hook up, like a little, hey, just an FYI, I really like sucking dick, or B, be coy and then go to town and surprise the hell out of you? To be honest, I usually hook up with guy friends over new dudes because i feel comfortable with them but and they know my shtick but uh i need some guidance i need i need i need some help thanks guys uh first of all quite quite the

wordsmith here uh like fucking peter parker's uncle ben here with great power comes great responsibility. Like we're talking about the fucking Avengers. Also, quote, before I suck the life out of his cock is some aggressive vocabulary choices there. To just be casually saying that. If you say cock in like dirty talk, it's one thing. To just be talking like, so I sucked his cock. It's like, whoa, Jesus Christ. I think it's always better to – well, if you are – if you know it's a done deal, if you know you're going to hook up with this guy, and let's say you're reaching for the stars.

Let's say you're trying to hook up with fucking Ryan Reynolds, and he's out of your league. I think you've got to tell him up front because you've got to convince him to do it. I think if it's a done deal, if it's in the bag, I think you keep it quiet and you surprise him because that's a hell of a surprise. I think you keep it a surprise no matter what, and I'll tell you why. It's because this age, these Gen Zers, they're doing all the sexting. They're doing all the nudie pics and the dirty talking and all that nasty, nasty. And guess what?

There's nothing you can say to me that I'm going to believe you. I've heard so many things so many times and said so many things that i can't do so many times i fucking i buy billboards in times square for joey harrington where you say he's not gonna live up to it just be careful here right that's that's me i'm joey harrington on the nasdaq okay where it's like guys i think we should tone this down a little bit. That's a fucking reference and a half. Well done. Well done. Holy shit. But that's what I – I'm like, oh, I'll fucking flip you around.

I'll spin you there. I'll spit on that. I'll fucking bop this, twist that. I can focus on one thing, in, out, in, out, in, out, and that's it. Okay? But the game I run on you, so I know it. You're bullshitting a bullshitter. Yeah, you're a bullshitter, a bullshitter. Can't triple-stamp, so I know it. You're bullshitting a bullshitter. You're bullshitting a bullshitter.

Can't triple-stand, double-stand. But I'll also say this. Like when she just said – it depends on the circumstances. If you're sexting, if you're trying to be sexy, you're right. People say shit all the time. But the way she just casually said, like, I'll suck the life out of your cock, that sounds pretty honest. That sounds like that girl's just talking you know yeah if she's saying it verbally oh you can whisper it in my ear that'll work yeah if you're texting it to me right okay that's not gonna do and i should i would like to clarify my joey

harrington analogy uh by i am joey harrington on nasda I mean, I can get it done on a college campus, but I'm not going to impress you in the real world. And the – but what was I going to say? But, yeah, oh, no, if you want to tell this to me centrally or you even want to call me, sharing it is one thing. I'm desensitized to texting. It doesn't – look, it's fun. It's like I like it.

Don't get me wrong. Don't stop doing it. But it's like I'm not going to think it's real. It's like I like it. Don't get me wrong. Don't stop doing it. But it's like I'm not going to think it's real. That's fantasy to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel you. I feel you on that. I think ultimately, yeah, it depends on where. Like my nightmare, my nightmare scenario would be I show up to a girl's house

and she expects me to do half of what I sexed her. I wrote a text that I cannot catch. Johnny Feidelberg is going to find himself between a rock and a hard place if just even a little piece of it is expected. If you're expecting anything other than

the part where I said we have sex, we're in trouble. I will put the dick inside We're in trouble. I will put the dick inside you. That's all I can really deliver on. I could probably get it to one hole if we're lucky to. I can't get all three of them. That's not going down.

Alright, let's get into our interviews here. This is a Joe Rogan three hour special here. Interview number one is brought to you by with Patton Oswalt is brought to you by our buddies at Miller Lite. Patton Oswalt is just an absolute delight. What a guy! What a guy, right? Just a gentleman

and a scholar. And you're going to hear a line in this interview from John Feidelberg. You can tell that Patton's a scholar, and you can tell that John wanted to be a scholar as well. And he dropped the reference. I don't even know if I want to – I'm not going to spoil it. I'm just going to tell you. John brings out the big guns and drops a historical reference on your asses that clearly was like, I'm doing an interview with a very educated comedian and actor, but he's smart and he's well-spoken and well-read. And I'm going to show that I am too, sir. And so when you're sitting around drinking a Miller Lite, the beauty of it is you could just be busting balls, shooting the shit and talking about,

you know, peeing on the floor. Or you could be dropping historical reference on your asses and talking to a guy like Patton Oswaltalt where you're learning and you're getting cerebral and all the while you're throwing back a cold miller light i'm like a miller light man i can do it all you can put me in and no one's gonna go what's that doing here right you fit it fits uh you know everything and that's what miller light does it you know you can have it at the bar with uh buddies. You can sit down and have it with like, you know, the CEO of your company. You can drink a Miller Lite. It can be at the keg party. It can be, you know, when you're a distinguished old man and you're having a beer with, you know, a reunion with your friend. Miller Lite, most versatile beer on the market because you can have it for your party, but

you're also not going to get too heavy. You could share a laugh over it. You can share a cry over it. It's 12, per 12 ounces, only 3.2 carbs at 96 calories. It's brewed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. So you know it is the real deal, Holyfield. Please celebrate responsibly with that Miller Lite and make sure you enjoy this interview. And listen, listen for that reference. You're going to know when it happens. And oh boy, is it a doozy. What's up, man? Hi. What's up, Pat? How you doing, man? How you doing, guys? I'm doing well. What's that background there? We got some birdies behind you? Yeah, it's like this nice little, we have this really cool wallpaper in the dining room. And my wife pointed out we went on a Zoom date with some friends, had drinks.

She was like, oh, this background looks amazing. So this has become like our default. We just kind of put stuff on the dining room table. It's a very great background. That's the nicest wall we have in the house. We're just going to steal it. I like it. I like it. I like it.

We appreciate the time. We got Patton Oswalt back on KFC radio. I'm a little disappointed. I was, I thought we were going to be quarantine brothers here. I thought you were doing the quarantine. I grew that thing for a month and it got to the point. It was so itchy.

Like you guys kind of grow like nice luxurious artist beards i was growing i grew this weird redneck like moonshiner beard it was all like it was just i hated it so much i'm like please please let me shave it my wife said okay go ahead shave it and then she she my wife cut cut my hair and did an amazing job. Look at that. Oh, wow. That's her handiwork, huh? That is hers.

And she nailed it. Wow, that is. I mean, I've seen, I've been kind of making fun of a lot of the guys in quarantine who, after like five days, were like, oh, what am I going to do? I can't take this anymore. It's like, dude, you missed like one haircut so far. Yeah. But also, you're freaking out after five days. You go

two weeks without a haircut in the world. Why are you freaking out right now? And the guys who were like, oh, man, I can't get laid. I'm like, you've been on a six-month drive spell. What's the difference now? Get out of here. Don't throw COVID B under the bus for

your lack of game. The hair stuff, too, is funny, too, because it was always coming from the people who complained about their hair getting too long. You could almost, to a person, it would be someone who would make a joke like, oh, ladies and their hair, and then two weeks inside. And it's like, what am I going to do? I got hair coming over my ears. So what? Put it back. Who cares?

Who cares? My God. You're not going outside it doesn't matter it's fine yeah yeah don't start if this is how you are after five days you're going to be eating your roommates in two weeks so maybe lord of the flies coming up uh so you got a new stand-up special coming which i think is is great uh if there's any sort of silver lining for this whole fiasco is that if you are a performer and you got a stand-up special coming which i think is is great uh if there's any sort of silver lining for this whole fiasco is that if you are a a performer and you got a stand-up out there's going to be a lot of people looking to be entertained and you are uh you know the next man up providing that entertainment so it's good it's bittersweet it's like well yes there's going to be a i i would love to have a huge audience for my stand-. I don't want it this way.

Like it's not worth having a big crowd for, with the future of civilization and the balance. That's not worth it. Trust me. I'm very, I'm happy. I wish it wasn't happening this way. When they use the term captive audience, they don't usually mean like we are truly captured by, by this disease, but yeah, exactly. So it is. You don't think Cicero was thrilled to have everyone on the streets?

Honestly, you know what, John, if you want to just check out, just go out on a high note, leave the rest of the interview. You know, like Cicero said in the park, out, just go out on a high note, leave me the rest of the interview. It's the victory lap. You know, like Cicero said in the... No, are you guys, do you guys live in the same city? You guys are both in LA, right? No, no, no, no. I'm a New York guy and John's up in Boston.

I'm in New York usually, but I came back to my parents' house. Our barstools offices are in New York. But yeah, we're actually, West Coast is, it's a problem, actually. We probably need to get more of a presence out there, but we don't have any West Coast, really. But are the offices, can you physically go into the barstool offices, or those are closed and it's all being done remote? There's a couple guys who live nearby who will pop into the studio and use it.

But, you know, we – officially we are shut down, and everyone's working from home. Wow. And then do you do the 7 o'clock banging things on the stand? Nobody in my neighborhood does, but my mom is heavy into it. My sister's a nurse, so my mom is all about it. So she's always out there banging. But it's like her and, like, one other lady. I think it's one thing when it's she's always out there banging but it's like her and like one other lady i think it's one thing when it's like in manhattan and it's like i mean if

you go to certain places in manhattan it's loud it's pretty inspiring wow like just my mom like ding ding ding ding ding like oh man and then how's boston like do p are people getting their duncan are they is it all like um drive-through or how are they getting that? Well, I'm not in Boston, but my parents live like a half hour south, 40 minutes south. Oh, okay. But I think my dad's a Cumberland's Farm coffee guy. He has stopped going to Cumbie's because it's too communal. So now he's on the Dunkin' Donuts trip. Boston runs on Dunkin', and COVID's not stopping that for sure.

No, no, it's not. Yeah, there's like, there are bars here in LA, I just found out earlier, that mix cocktails in Ziploc bags. They mix it and then you can thaw them out at home in your fridge. Like they freeze them. It comes in like a packet. It's almost like the way cocktails look in like bad science fiction films. Like, you know, give me one of those space margaritas. And they put it in a little machine that turns into things.

But they're like apparently becoming all the rage. People going to picking up these like frozen cubes and then thawing them out in the fridge and having a cocktail. It has been very interesting to see that from a consumer standpoint or from a business standpoint where it's you know the reason they're having to get so uh you know new and invent new things to sell is a sad reason but it's cool to see people trying new different things like i had a buddy in chicago who lives in there uh basically right next door to um one of chicago's nicest steakhouses i forget which it is But they were selling all their meats uncooked for like market price. So you could get like the finest cuts in Chicago

and he'd go pick them up for like 20 bucks and he'd cook up the steak by himself. I was like, that's pretty sick. And they were also selling their bar with like their full bottles at market price for that too. So you could get a nice bottle of whiskey with it. I'd be so paranoid about buying an amazing cut of steak and then screwing it up at home like i brought home this amazing fillet cut and it just burned it like oh god no you uh what what kind of how do you cook your meat how do you cook your

steak um i like it i don't like it well done but i don't like i like what's what's it um medium well i like the pink tinge, but I like a medium well. I mean, the really good steakhouses, if you go to like Omaha Prime and stuff like that, they just flat out will tell you we're not making anything well done. You're not getting any well done steak. Not allowed. Maybe do medium well, but that's it. I get some dirty looks from for just medium. Does anybody give you a hard time at medium well? Some of. Yeah. I mean, I remember I got, again, going back to Omaha Prime,

which is a great steakhouse, but they were like, okay, we'll do it. And then they brought it out. It was a medium, and it was still delicious. I'm just so paranoid about it. You know what you should do is put some ketchup on it, too. They'll love that. Just watch their head explode. So the new stand-up is, like we said, people are itching for the content.

And I feel like stand-up, once you become an established actor, what is that like? Do you view yourself as a stand-up? Are you an actor who's going back to an earlier craft? Have you always just considered yourself a comedian? i always i've always considered myself a comedian and weirdly all of the like writing and acting and voiceover work i do is to increase my um uh profile so that i can keep doing more and more stand-up you know and and it doesn't mean that i i love acting and it's an amazing profession that people get to work with. But ultimately, I want to always do stand up because stand up is like the thing you can.

It's the thing you can always do. And it's just you. There's no equipment. There's no committee. There is no special effects or nonsense. It's you. It's your mind being poured out to a microphone. And when it's done well, it's so exciting. And it's exciting to do it when you manage to pull it off really well. Gun to your head if you had to do one. I think I would go, why are you pointing a gun at my head? Why does it matter so much to you that I pick one? Are you okay, sir?

If you answer wrong, I'm going you answer wrong I'm gonna I mean look if ultimately I would just do stand up wow interesting well let me just say this then you asshole your side gig has been pretty fucking good man

thank you I'm very fortunate with my day job yeah wow they all have their ups and downs you know I've been very, very, I'm very fortunate with my day job. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It was, it's been, it's made me, they all have their ups and downs, you know, standup is, unfortunately there's a lot of travel involved or is with, with acting. You usually, if you do travel, you travel to a place and then you stay there and you kind of develop a

character and a rapport with the rest of the cast and you really do stuff. Standup, however, is also very immediate. You do it once in front of an audience it's that thing acting um it's very very creative but it's you often have to repeat things 10 11 12 times to keep it fresh every time and that can really where you so there's there's any creative pursuit there's advantages and disadvantages and i just try to revel in the fun parts and and go okay that's this this quote-unquote bad part is part of getting me to the fun so i'm really not going to complain about it now i have a question oh why do you love everything because that's what the title of this new stand-up is i love everything why i well i think it's because

after annihilation and after all of the darkness i was in and all of that just kind of um despair it coming out of it kind of you know falling in love and and and just being back into the sunlight you just really reappreciate that oh i love everything and it's base i love everything i still get mad about stuff. I still get frustrated with stuff, but at its base. And also it's my way of saying I'm 50 now. When you're 50, it's hard to just hate stuff. As you get older and older, you're like, oh, unfortunately I'm understanding more and more why people act the way they do or why this is a certain way. So even though the action or the thing might be evil or bad, I know that it's coming from either someone who's damaged or someone who was mistreated and is lashing out at

the world. So it's hard to truly, truly hate something. Well, Pat, and you really took the wind out of myself with that answer. It's a great answer. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bum you out. It was. I was ready to go. Instinct, what is going on? No, you found the beauty in life. Okay. That's gorgeous. But by the way, you can still, yeah, you can still say that things stink or you can still say you hate something, but you can also go, but I know where this thing is coming from. I mean, look, you young Padawans are not there yet.

Enjoy your youth. Enjoy your health and your hatred. When you get to my age, if your ass is falling out, you will learn to embrace love. I like that. Enjoy your hatred while it lasts because eventually you're going to have empathy and you're going to have understanding.

It is also, it's not like the, that's not the stereotypical comedian. It's someone who, it's usually, I think when you think of a stereotypical comedian it's an old guy on stage yelling right yes it's not a guy going there i love it everything if you think about it though a lot of the best comedies and a lot of the best comedy bits come from not from someone going i hate this thing and it's stupid and they point out what's stupid

about it it's someone going i love this thing so, but why does it have this stupid stuff in it? So like my bits about Star Wars, I don't hate Star Wars. I love it. But why are these things in it that drive me crazy? And, you know, if you look at, I always use Mel Brooks as a great illustration where his early movies, The Producers, The Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein. Those were all movies he made about things he deeply, deeply loved. He was a huge Western fan and had to reconcile the, I love these movies, and there's a lot of fucking racism in these things. Like, why do I love something that's so racist when I don't like racism? And Young Frankenstein, he loved Frankenstein, but there's some stupid stuff in those movies. And that's where you see the stuff that you can really make fun of is when you

really love something. I mean, I think that movie cabin in the woods is a brilliant Monty Python movie because it's Joss Whedon going, I love all these eighties slasher movies and they're so misogynistic and they're so anti-woman. why do i love them all so much how can i reconcile this and he makes this brilliant you guys see cabin in the woods i don't think i've seen that one oh i don't want to spoil it in that one who is there a hemsworth in that yes there is a hemsworth in that okay i think i have to then yes okay yeah

but that's his way of struggling with uh how why do I love this thing that has so many problems with it? Look, I'm sure you guys, one of my favorite documentary series is 30 for 30 on ESPN. I've seen every one of those episodes. And every one of those episodes is about something in sports that people love. But why is this so crazy? There's something, you know, the one about Reggie Miller is like, yes, he was a great player, but he also drove the New York Knicks crazy and everybody hated him. So why was that?

Like, that's where all that stuff comes from. Sports fans, you guys must have a favorite team that does things to drive you insane, right? Fucking thanks. I'm a Metnix Jets fan. It is as bleak as it gets as far as, you know, it's not just wins and losses. It's PR debacles and you're embarrassing

yourselves and you're cheating. Yeah, I mean, it's actually I also, are you a sports fan? I mean, you watch the 30s but are you, because I'm hoping that as you get older, as I've gotten older, I've definitely have a new perspective on sports. Basically what I'm trying to say is I hope that I get to the point where I just say, I'm not fucking doing this anymore.

Don't watch angst. I don't watch sports week to week, but I love the drama. I love documentaries about sports and, week, but I love the drama of it. Documentaries about sports and the whole Ali documentary on HBO was incredible. I mean, the personalities behind it, because they're operating at such a high level of the human experience that most of us will never live. I mean, other people like rock stars are crazy and comedians are crazy. They do not approach the level of crazy that athletes not only do they approach but they have to be that crazy to be champions like you have to if you don't

believe that you're at least a demigod you're probably not going to succeed right you have to embrace some craziness or you're not going to make it out there. And if you don't embrace it, you're a demigod. You are. I genuinely believe they're not of our species. The things professional athletes can do just don't make sense. You are something more advanced than I am. That's what I love when people try to critique or argue and you compare it to my favorite thing is, is when guys call in, like, I don't get a day off of my job at the factory.

Why does he get to take a day off at the best? It's like, yeah, Joe, you don't get to compare yourself to LeBron James. Okay. Yeah. And also you're not doing a job that you have the tiniest window to actually succeed and do it before your body completely shuts down because they have decided like i run my body like a 1980s honda civic it just putters along and it'll go for years and years and years they are driving their bodies like a formula one racer not a new one like from the 60s where you took her on the track five times and the wheels just melted. They literally just melted.

But they're like, I'm going to destroy my body to do this thing. There's a great Andre Agassi's autobiography. Have you read that? It's called Open. No, I haven't read it, but he's a character. He's an interesting dude.

There's a chapter where he describes this championship that he won, and he's like like he was going against someone younger it might have been i forgot who he was playing against but he was like i'm older and he realizes halfway through the match i can win this but if i do what i have to do to win i can never play again like i'm going to burn myself out and or i can take it easy and maybe play a couple more years and he decides to go and he describes exactly what he like he understands like i in scoring this point i'm going to tear this like this that's done and then when he's done afterwards he and the other player are laying on this on tables next to each other like because getting

because they're so exhausted and he's just like he's looking at the other guys like that's it for me like i know i can never play at that level again i just did everything i had to do and i'm done and i and i decided to sacrifice my body to get that it's such an amazing such an amazing read because he takes you right inside of his head deciding okay i'm just gonna it's gonna burn it to the ground to do this. And most people don't have to make that decision. No, I agree. Yeah. The Michael Jordan documentary going on now, the last time he had a moment where he was like, it was more about the fans and the fame and the vultures.

And he had a moment where he was just like, I'm done. And it was so real and so genuine that he was just like, I am absolutely sick of it. And yeah, you're right. Nobody can really relate to that stuff. It's so foreign. I just saw another one of your tweets here to switch gears. Oh, sorry.

The HBO documentary that'll be coming out in June about the Golden City Killer and all the work that Michelle did has got to be, you know, a culmination for you and for her. That is that not many other people can relate to either. That's pretty fascinating. Pretty amazing stuff.

Yeah. I mean, it's, it's, it's more on this documentarian, Liz Garbus who approached me about let's do this as a limited series, six episode documentary series. And so I was the exec producer. I'm supervising the rough cuts and all the material and stuff, but she put together the retelling of the story in flashback, not just Michelle's story, but the story of the case

and the story of the case being solved and the victims and the criminals. I mean, the homicide detectives that had to, a lot of which, you know, dedicated 30 years to this and didn't capture him. And that also really, you know, I don't think people understand the kind of psychological risks that law enforcement people put themselves in, in going, okay, I'm going to go down this road with this case for a few months. And if I hit a wall, I've given that guy three months head start yeah and that can really eat away at people

right basically and she really gets at that i've always thought about that in cop shows we're just like they just go home at night and i'm like that's crazy i was watching mind hunter recently and it's like all right you know yes in the night like we just go home i'm like, that's crazy. I was watching Mindhunter recently. And it's like, all right, we don't need to sleep in the night. We just go home. And I'm like, how you change gears like that, how you separate yourself. You're like, okay, I will get back to it in the morning. I mean, it's just typical bodily functions you do. You need to eat, you need to sleep. But the strain of separating yourself from that story must be impossible.

And seeing the depths that humanity is willing to go to and then having to come back and have a cookout with the family and your parents but you know what's lurking just at the edge of the woods all the time like that how do you reconcile moving around in the world like that or or you know your neighbor at that barbecue is complaining about some nonsense and it's like yeah okay but by the way people are being tied up and murk you know it's like right cares about your boss giving you a hard time at the office jim like give me a break i still remember when i was in college i went and saw that movie silence of the lambs i saw it with my then girlfriend and her mom came along with us for some reason. She said, I want to see the movie.

Whoa. Yeah. But all I remember is we walked out, the movie was done and we're all just shaken up and like, Oh my God. And we're walking around. I'm like, that movie was intense.

And then her mom went, I know that man had a ring through his nipple. Like that's what she told me. I was like, I think he was making clothing out of people. Okay. Yeah. That's the exact takeaway I would think of someone going to the movies with their

college daughter. That hippie was disgusting. Oh my god. So yeah, that kind of like, you know, just different perspectives on things. Yeah. Back to like what might seem like entertainment or what might seem like a job to you to someone else. It gets them really deeply and it can haunt them. And that's a risk when you go into those pursuits.

Well, and that's why it's so fascinating that that they were able to to solve this one i mean after it seemed like such a cold case and i know true crime has been uh uh it's like been around you know probably since day one of storytelling yeah yeah captivated by stories like this but it seems like recently it's been such a craze and i think this this one is, I think, even still not quite known just how prolific of a killer he was. And that's why someone like Michelle, I think, knew that and dedicated everything to it. And I think this doc will really open it up to everybody's eyes. And I think that'll probably be even like the final step of indicating for you and her work and everything, where everybody really knows the deal now. Yeah. And to really put the deal now yeah and to

really put the light on other people that help bring this case home that need the credit and and especially the victims who spent so many decades keeping this thing out there as much as they could to find the gut like there's just extraordinary stories in this thing so that's what i'm really glad about and so uh back to your stand-. Oh, yeah. We're just grinding every gear right now. You know, it's like the Formula One car. When we're done, the wheels are going to be off. We're going to have done it all here, Patton. I'm interested in following you on social media. I see how involved you are politically and the opinions you have. And I feel like when you get as deep as you do into those topics,

is it hard to not incorporate it into your stand-up act? Or do you incorporate it into the act? Are you ever cautious about it? Or how do you take that on and off? In this next special, I even do a bit about not having any Trump bits because it's such an extraordinary time in that we live in a reality that it trumps any attempt to, no pun intended. We live in a reality that just defeats any attempt that you have to satirize it.

How do you satirize this? How do you top what is coming out every single day in terms of the absurdity and the craziness of it i just think i just feel like um and i talk about that and it's like i've never everyone that told me you comedians gonna be christmas every day if you get selected i've never felt more useless uh as a in a profession of you watch everyone's watching the same craziness and then you walk up and go you guys want to hear a bit that i wrote about this you're like no we're watching We're good. You can take a break. We can all see this too. Even people.

I mean, you think it's just like a fact is straight fiction sort of thing with him where it's like, there's, well, that's a him. I just mean the world in general. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think he's just a symptom of the craziness we're in right now. I don't think it's just him. There's a lot of craziness as all is coming together right now. When we've been closer to the brink than we are now as

a country about you know i think we'll get through this but um it's even weird how like his supporters except for the few that get really angry and you still your president even they as much as they support him or just like if i do a joke they're like it's not as crazy as what he just did like i know what you're trying to do but you didn't you gotta top my guy you haven't topped it like they can only get so offended because they're like well you are just kind of repeating back what he said i mean if you're not gonna write a joke it's interesting too though from a comics point of view politics aside uh we had nate on the show a little while ago i love nate he Nate. He's unbelievable. But he said, you know, he's like, I think he said Bill Burr and

I think he mentioned one other at the top of the top. And he's like, if I can do like a politics Trump joke that's on like that level, fine. But otherwise it's not even worth doing. It's not kind of hacky. Anybody can do it. I think

he said he decided against it when he did one in, I forget, some Midwest town. And someone stood up in a Make America Great Again hat and screamed at him. And he was like, I'm not doing this. But I'm saying, I think we've reached a point now with him. That probably happened a few years ago. That happened to me a couple times. I'm saying, I think even now with these daily press conferences the guy in the make america great hat now stands up and goes yeah i i know i mean duh like you know what i mean like i i see how crazy

he is too dude you know so it's just not even i that that's what makes it feel pointless to me it's not that i'm afraid of being yelled at. I don't want to do anything that makes the audience go, yeah, duh. You know what I mean? I feel like Trump jokes are a lot like Westworld this season. I don't know how many people watch Westworld,

but there were a lot of parts where there was a great writing there, right? It was all there. And then the reveal happened and you went, yeah, I know. Yeah, you guys. Yeah, every now and then that'll – there's a couple of films where they do the big reveal

and you got to go, well, we saw that. That one, you can't even count this as a reveal. I know. This is a confirmation, not a reveal. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's, you know, Westworld has a really unique problem in that it has a lot of, it almost has too many great ideas, which is a good problem for a show to have, but you can't want to put all of your ideas into it.

You've got to actually sacrifice some, which can drive you crazy. You've got to kill your baby, right? Yeah, it's your baby. Did you watch this year, Patton? Do you watch a lot of TV? I think TV is so much better than movies right now. I'm so much more excited for television shows.

Better Call Saul is amazing and then also these mini series that they're not like regular TV shows but they're like maxi series, do you guys watch Escape at Dannemora? Yes, that was unbelievable, that was really really good

Shit, the stuff that they're doing, there was an interview with that guy Chris McQuarrie who does the Mission Impossible films with Tom Cruise they do these insane stunts where tom actually jumps out of a friggin airplane and another guy jumps out with him and films it like why are you doing this and he said because the stuff that's happening on tv right now is so much more exciting than what's going on in films and if these kids are watching fargo and game of thrones and legion and hannibal

we've got to top those shows or they they shouldn't come see these movies they have every right to stay home because the stuff that's happening on tv right now is so much better well i got one for you you gotta see you gotta watch normal people on hulu i patent i bet you would love it that that just came out, right? Just came out. I finished it in about a day. I haven't stopped talking about it. It looks happy to me. People are like, you're on Healthcare Workers at 7 o'clock.

I'm like, Wyatt, I gotta tell you about Normal People. It's set in Ireland, right? I'm sorry? Is it set in Ireland? Ireland, yes, sir. I've been hearing really good things. Did you guys watch Fleabag when it was in Ireland? Ireland, yes, sir. I've been hearing really good things. Did you guys watch Fleabag when it was on Amazon? What a show!

She is incredible. The way it starts, she comes in so hot and her monologues are unbelievable. Phoebe then went on to write the new Bond now. Yes, they brought her to do the new Bond. And now she writes the Bond. And she writes

Killing Eve. Oh, it's right after! It's... That show, Fleabag, I've never seen a show where you watch it and it's very, very funny and you're very entertained, but you're like, okay, it's this. It's a funny show about dating.

And then the twist it takes in season one, but it's not a twist because it was there the whole time. You just didn't see it is insane. I couldn't believe how great that was. Wow. And then there's just Pat and I all over you doing standup and on TV and movies. You schlep, you're a slouch. a slouch. No, everything you do is amazing, man, and the new stand-up, I'm sure, is just as good. So everybody go check it out. I'm very excited to watch this new stand-up because I'll tell you what, I was going to make funny. Like, oh, I love everything.

I think comedy is doing a lot nowadays and maybe I just wasn't watching enough comedians and maybe I wasn't paying attention closely enough. But I think with Netflix, there have been so many different and unique comedies come out and I can't wait to hear this story. And they're looking for

newer voices, which makes me very excited too. The half hours they're giving to people are also really exciting. It's like they're generating new talent. So it's just, all of it's great. I love it. I just love it. So be on the lookout for it. Pat and I love it. I just love it. So be on the lookout for it. Pat and Oswalt, I love everything out on Netflix. We appreciate it, man. Thanks so much.

Thanks guys. Thank you so much. I will. Thanks man. See ya. All right. Big thanks to Pat and Oswalt. Be on the lookout for his special and the, and the true crime doc in June, Johnny Cicero over here is just, I mean. Cicero must have liked having an audience. I was right. Don't get me wrong.

I mean, that was chef's kiss on that one. I'm going to have to, next time we have a very, you know, educated guest on, I'm going to have to up my game. I'm going to be sitting here being like, well, you know, educated guest on. I'm going to have to up my game. I'm going to be sitting here being like, well, you know, Charlemagne was saying that. But, yeah, that was an awesome interview. Now let's get into it with Nick Swartzen. He's a guy whose stoolies have been clamoring for for a long time,

and so we finally got him. Let's talk to Nick, and we'll see you guys next week. All right. I like your whole setup. We got Nick Swartzen here on KFC Radio. It looks just like we got pillows and cushions, and, like see you guys next week. All right. I like your whole setup. We got Nick Swanson here on KFC Radio. It looks just like we got pillows and cushions and it just looks comfy. It's so comfortable, dude.

Yeah. It does everything. It's a couch. It's a bed. It's a toilet. It's a kitchen. I fucking grill on my pillows. It looks like an adult version of Discovery Zone. Or like

a trampoline world or something like that. This is the fucking best. That's like what I wanted to live in when I grew up. It's like Tom Hanks in the movie Big. Yeah. Remember when you first saw Big? You're like, oh, that's what I'm going to do with my life. Like 100%. When i was a kid and

this is like this it's still shocking that it didn't happen but like when i was a kid until i was too old of a kid i was going to live in my treehouse with i play with barbie dolls and i was gonna live in my treehouse with barbie dolls and that was like i was like 14 being like look i don't know what you guys are talking about high high school and shit. I'm locked in. I got what I'm doing. Right. Yeah, no, that's the way to go. I feel like you kind of go through that where when you're younger, you're just like, oh, I'm going to do this and live like an insane person.

And then when you get older, you kind of, like, you know, society, everything just pushes you towards doing other shit. And then I feel like those thoughts come back in when like you're 60 or 70. We were like, oh, man, I think I'm going to do this. Yeah. That's what I want to gravitate towards. I feel like I'm 73. The name of the game for me is to be like successful enough and rich enough

and stable enough that you can just go do those things. Like, all right, I'm set. I'm'm gonna go hang out in my basement like treehouse and hang out in the cushions and pee the bed whatever man i can i did it basement treehouse i feel like you kind of got that going though swartzen that's what i'm saying right i do a little bit yeah i mean i've come close speaking the movie Big, I've been very tempted. So this just happened to me recently. I play Golden Tee a lot, the video game. And it's like a golf game, big, standing.

It's at a lot of bars, sports bars and stuff. You haven't, like, been here. I've spent my whole life. What? Do you have it in your house? No. So I was talking to them on Twitter because I want to do, like, a Golden Tee tournament. And they were like, oh, do you have one in your house? No. So I was talking to them on Twitter because I want to do like a Golden Tee tournament. And they were like, oh, do you have one at your house?

And I was like, no. And they're like, why? You can buy one. And that was my kind of Tom Hanks big moment that I never crossed over. Do it. I was having like life-size huge video games, let alone a fucking trampoline. He had a trampoline in his house. So I haven't crossed over to that world yet.

Do you guys own full-standing video games? Nicholas! I don't fucking know. I have two roommates, dude! No, you can get them. This isn't some crazy... Bro, I have a temporary bedroom.

I got a fucking, I got one of those rooms where they put up like a fucking fake plywood wall in the living room. That's where I live. Jesus! I got, I'm looking here. Pac-Man is $3,295. That's not in the budget right now for me. Oh, it is? Oh, I didn't know it was that much.

I thought my buddy said he got one for like $500. Yeah, well, if that's the case, I'm looking at eBay. There's a couple here that are. When you said you were tweeting with them, were you tweeting with Golden Tee or regular people? Golden Tee. I started following them, and I was like, hey, I'm a fan. The audacity of them to be like,

Hey, Nick Swartzen, you can buy one. No, you can give me one golden. Yeah. I thought that's where the story was. They were really nice.

They were like, yeah, maybe we can figure something out. They weren't like, fuck you. Buy one. No, they were like,

no, they were nice, but they were, you know, they were like, do you have one? But I don't think like, I don't know.

I, I don't, I don't think I would want to own something. Like, that's just crazy. Would that be your – if you could own one, throw it here in the basement, in the cushion world, would that be the game? Would it be Golden Tee? Right now it would probably be Golden Tee.

What would you get fights? Oh, Buck Hunter. No question about it. I was going to say Buck Hunter, but I'm not really that good at it. would be golden tea what would you get fights oh buck hunter no question i was gonna say buck hunter but i'm not really that good at it but i guess that would be the point is to get fucking good at it i played buck hunter until my my appendix exploded once chris it was like the day before christmas eve i was a freshman year in college and you're like you know the movie theaters they kind of had the video games on the way out? Yeah. I couldn't get what we went to go see, but then we stopped to play video games. And I was like keeled over.

I was like a wounded hunter. And I was like keeled over, still trying to play. I ended up going home. My parents were like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I had to go get my appendix taken out. But I had a hell of a game of that there, though. So that's literally, you're being real? You really got bodily injuries?

Yeah. Well, it didn't. You would have had it anyway. Yeah, it wasn't like cock and like, ah! Right, right, right. No, I didn't injure myself playing, but I just played through the pain of an appendix bursting to keep playing

my Buck 100. That's the way. That's the question to ask. Fucking manly, man. Yeah, I've never held a real gun, but that's pretty fucking badass right there though that's some virtual man shit dude those games were hilarious that they had them at

movie theaters because it was kind of a good alternative if you were like oh I don't want to watch this movie anymore yeah Shin Loose Lists is getting me a little down here I'm going to go play I'm going to go try and win a Game Boy on the claw you know what I'm not going to eat pray love I'm going to go try and win a Game Boy on the claw. You know what? I'm not going to eat, pray, love. I'm going to play Bunch of Her.

I feel like right now one of the things I miss most is the movie experience. Yeah. A couple movies got released ahead of schedule or direct to on demand or whatever. But right now, a good flick

on Netflix is huge at the moment. And so you got a good flick on Netflix is huge at the moment. And so you got a new one out coming out on May 13th, The Wrong Missy, which is going to be a smash, I think. Yes. That's it? I watched it this morning,

Nick. I thought you were going to come a lot harder than this. I fucking loved it this morning. No, no, no. I thought you were going to come a lot harder than this. I fucking loved it this morning. No, no, no. I'm kidding. I just wanted to create a weird pause where I should say something. Mission accomplished. Well, I'm really excited. I'm really excited about the movie.

It was super fun. It was during my thick weight phase, which is always hilarious. And I fucking, you know, it's a great cast. Spade, Schneider, Jackie sandler lauren lapkus is amazing she plays misty she's incredible she's a great movie it's a perfect movie for right now too it's a romantic comedy it's what did you been a hit no matter what but given the circumstances right now i think it's just right up everyone's alley like not you know light easy fun it's just gonna be perfect for the for the times yeah i'm glad i'm glad you guys liked it

what was that's what i was saying earlier too i was like you're kind of in that spot where it's like you got you uh you know you kind of you want to be whatever you are when you're a kid like when was the last time you guys filmed a movie anywhere but a fucking beautiful location? This one was what? Hawaii, right? Yeah, it was in Hawaii. Yeah. You happy Madison, sons of bitches. You guys got it made. Figured it out.

Dude, I didn't want to film there. I was like, what about Des Moines? Kidding. I love Des Moines. Yeah, no, it's pretty hilarious. Sandler, I think the first thing he shot there, I mean, he's not in the movie, so we just lucked out. But I think the first thing he shot there was maybe 50 first dates.

And then he just tried to go back as much as he could. It just made sense to the story. Like, it would be funny. Like, I tried to get, like, Bucky Larson to film there, and he was like, no, that doesn't even fucking make sense. I'm like, dude, it's like a Hawaiian porn star. Right? But, yeah, it is awesome filming,

but people don't realize, like, you do have to work so when we were doing wrong missy we couldn't um get any sun and we couldn't go swimming we couldn't do anything so it was it was kind of weird because um when we opened the movie our characters are um in like office workers in portland oregon and then so we opened the movie in Portland and then we go to Hawaii. So if we had somehow started the movie sunburned or any kind of idiots, you don't know what we're doing.

People forget to put on sunblock. Even if you put on block, the sun's really hot there. So we had to just walk around the show The Outsider with hoods all the time. You had to go fucking Robert Pattinson. When Robert Pattinson was in Twilight, he wasn't allowed to get any vitamin D. show the outsider with like hoods all the time you had to go fucking uh robert pattinson when robert pattinson was in twilight he like wasn't allowed to get any vitamin d we couldn't do it

i never thought of that so you're in like paradise but can't really enjoy it at all because you're gonna and it would be you nick right you'd be the idiot who would get sunburned yeah yeah it would totally be me how about that right? You'd be the idiot who would get sunburned. Yeah. It would totally be me. How about that thick phase, though? You mentioned the thick phase that you went through. That's got to be you. I was on a TV show called Typical Rick that I did. And I gained weight for it.

And then I just kept it on for a while. It was pretty great. Yeah. I could drink and eat whatever I wanted. Like for you, you can be like, oh, it's for work. You know, for the rest of us, it's just like, well, I'm just fucking getting fat. I have no self-discipline. You can be like, hey, no, no, no.

Professional over here. Respect the craft. Yeah, totally. The only catch is that you're on camera for the whole time. So it's like you have to see yourself. I'll see a movie where I'm like, oh, good. I'll just catch myself. The camera adds 10 more pounds.

You're like, oh, god, I'm a fucking Star Wars character in this film about romance. Did you do anything intense to do that? When McElhinney gained for Mac and that was fucking insane i think he said he drank a gallon of vanilla ice cream every morning or something

like that or maybe every night before bed did you do anything crazy for that or just kind of i didn't do anything crazy but i just like i just didn't work out so i would just eat whatever drank whatever and i just didn't like you know i would kind of get medium exercise but i didn't adhere to any kind of like workout so my diet is what you did yeah like i just did what you do every day basically the minnesota diet yeah you're uh west it's pretty easy you are minnesota through and through like when i think of vik fans, when I think of like Minnesota, I think of you. I think you might be like the representative for that fan base,

particularly the Vikings. But that like state, those teams, that is you in my mind. I mean, it is because I've always – I mean, I'm from Minnesota. I love Minnesota. And people are like, oh, all right, we get it. Especially Spade hates it. He likes Minnesota,, oh, all right, we get it. Especially Spade hates it. He likes Minnesota, but he just he's always like, we get it. Anytime I post anything about it,

he's like, okay. Anytime he's like, where are you at? I'm like, I'm in Minnesota. He's like, oh. I'm like, you're from fucking Arizona. Like, you fucking go there all the time. I don't think I knew Spade was from Arizona, but Spade is from Arizona. Like, I knew that in my heart.

Yeah, you little fucking Joe Dirk fucking prairie rat. Fucking. Of all the states, honestly, like, I absolutely just learned it right now, but if you had asked me where's David Spade from, I definitely would have said Arizona. Yeah, no, if you think about it,

you're like, oh, okay. But I just wanted to, you know, put Minnesota at least in the contemporary conversation of cool places, because people always are like, whoa, it's Minnesota. Yeah, I mean, we went for the Super Bowl a couple years ago,

and you know, it wasn't – it was cold as fuck. That was the worst-case scenario you could have come to Minnesota. Yeah, I feel like I got a very bad shot. Dude, I went there, and my team lost the Super Bowl, and I still had a blast. I really liked Minnesota. And, in fact, I think the cold overrated.

I think you guys are – you guys say it's so cold there. It wasn't too bad. Well, it depends. If you go a fucking, you know, different days, I mean, there's like a week where it'll be like below zero. Right. I mean, that's fucking awful.

I don't care if you're on planet Hoth. We learned about it. I mean, it's fucking cold. Whatever. You go to places and it's crazy hot. Arizona gets like 120. Yeah. Well, so I guess, I guess what's interesting is you could just go live the Hollywood life and be, you know, permanently SoCal, but you still, uh, you know, are Minnesota.

Like no thought. I feel like a lot of people who would maybe make it in Hollywood would then be like, I'm not going back to Minnesota, but you kept it, uh, in your blood. Yeah. I always like, I mean, I come back here, I have all my family and friends here, I come back here all the time and that's the funny thing is when people will shit on Hollywood and they'll be like,

fucking Hollywood, the guy's from Hollywood. A lot of people aren't even from there. Nobody's from there. Somebody said that about me, I'm like, I'm from Minnesota. It's not like nobody's from there somebody said that about me i'm like i'm from minnesota it's not like hollywood's like an island of robots that we were all like built you've been there how long have you been there you've been there for a long time right i've been in la 20 years i love los angeles fucking great really yeah i love it it's fun it's like the fucking best love it nobody. Nobody ever says that. I fucking, it's great. Well, yeah, that's why I kind of remarked, like, it's not usually, it's either like,

yeah, that's where I work and I'm happy to be a movie star or people are like sick of it. But to love it is pretty, pretty rare, actually. Yeah, I think it's a blast. Well, I also think you're living, I mean, the happy Madison life, getting plugged in with a guy like Sandler, doing the movies you guys do, the do, the locations you do it in, the type of movies you do. I mean, it's fucking awesome. You hit the jackpot.

You are – I would love to live your life next Wednesday. Oh, thank you. Do you think – Should I give you one of my pillows? Please. Anything. Just take a shred of you. Yeah, but I mean even with that

even when I was living there you know without Happy Madison or anything I still loved it it was just great I mean I don't live in a mansion I don't have a pool I don't like I'd run around with Adam Sandler in a bathing suit all day like throwing money

like I mean I don't have a car I mean I fucking walk, I don't have a car. I mean, I fucking walk around. You don't have a car or a pool and you're chirping me for having a transition bedroom? Come on. Wait a minute. I thought it was like impossible to not have a car in LA.

You just take Ubers everywhere? I made it fucking possible. No, you know what I do? I walk. Oh, can I chirp you about that have you ever fucking walked you fucking chirp yeah i use my fucking legs they're robot legs that i paid a billion dollars for from salmon pocket but they're fucking legs So we are on a quest here to get somebody to tell me a story about a time that Adam Sandler was not the fucking best. I mean, certain guys like him and like The Rock and other guys that – I mean, every person I've ever heard from, they've never said a bad word about him. Is there a bad story about Adam Sandler?

I want you to torpedo your friend here. I want you to sewer him and tell me a bad story about Adam Sandler. Can you do it? God, that's tricky. I mean, bad and, like, what – I mean, I've never – I don't know. That's honestly – and I'm not, like, a company man where I'm like, I mean, no, it's phenomenal all the time. He's just like not, I mean,

that's one reason we me and him became friends is because we're just like regular guys that are happy about our, you know, where we are. I never taken it for granted he doesn't take it for granted you know what i mean it's there's never been like a hollywood moment of like hey do you know who i am type of shit you know what i mean it's like just being respectful to people and you know i i can't honestly think i'm trying to i mean even even things where i even things where he could have gotten mad, he didn't. Like, I remember I elbowed him in the face one time.

Do tell. Continue. He, we were shooting a movie, and so what Adam likes to do is play basketball. That's how he gets his exercise, because he fucking hates, like, gym shit. You know what I mean? So he was like, let's play hoop. And I'm like, okay, it's just me and him. And we're filming, you know?

So I was always wary about playing one-on-one with him when we're filming because if anything happens, you know what I mean? Like you're fucked. You break a wrist, you fucking anything. So we're playing aggressive. So he plays really hard. like you don't think that he would so I wasn't sure if he was being cocky like so he can get away with

like certain elbows and jabs and stuff and so he was playing me really hard and I was like you know what I'm not gonna fucking fall in line with this shit and let's try to get this fucking oh you want to post up on me guy okay go for you want to post up on me, guy? Okay.

Go for it. Want to dance? Minnesota, not known for basketball so much. Now watch this. And we just got at it. He pushed into me, and I just went up and went, caca! Right in his fucking forehead. And I went for the ball, but it just came down on his fucking,

and then fucking, whoo-wee! Just this fucking knot came, and I was like... Hello, darkness, my... And he's like, what the fuck?! I was like... You wanted to play basketball. You wanted to play basketball.

It wasn't a flagrant foul. You were going for the ball. It was not a flagrant... No, that would be insane. I was going for the ball, but I fucking nailed it. And he was like... But then he was like... Alright. That was me. He realized... So he could have fucking been like,

You're fired! He could have fucking chopped my head off. But he realized it was his idea to play basketball. That is a pressure of... That's how you play. Yeah. So I mean, the lesson here is don't, don't fucking take Nick Swanson in the paint, man. Don't try to post up on him. He will fuck you up. That's what I like.

Yeah. No, if you ask, I actually have pretty good basketball skills. One time though, one of my biggest disappointments was I got asked to do the Celebrity Three-Point Contest. And I was like, okay, that's really what I am as a shooting guard. Okay. And so it was from NBA range. So we were filming at the time, and we were able to play basketball in a nice court. So I was practicing my NBA threes. And I was like, I i'm gonna fucking win this thing

i'm like who's playing and they're like oh michael rapaport i'm like and then they're like uh fucking um brian from the office i was like right so there was a handful of us and so it was my turn and it's like you know five five five five five i made fucking one out of 25. Oh, yikes. It was just gong, gong. Were you gasped? Brian from The Office made three and advanced to the final. I mean, listen, NBA threes are no joke,

but I feel like at one point when you're 0 for like 17, when did you hit your one? Was it early or late it was late oh so you're like over 16 yeah so it was like walking into just a funeral it was it was pretty embarrassing that was not that was not a highlight of my life i'll never forget that and were you a hockey guy what were you a hockey guy? What? Were you a hockey guy in Minnesota? I never played hockey. I would always watch it. Hockey guys are the worst.

I would understand with Sandler. Hockey guys playing defense on basketball is... Yeah, you guys, you become like spastic. You don't know what you're doing and you just hit and elbow and grab. It's insane. I played hockey and I would refuse to play basketball with my hockey playing friends. I'm like, this elbow and grab. You're just like, it's insane. I, and I played hockey and I would refuse to play basketball with my hockey playing friends.

I'm like, this is just stupid. We're just fighting each other. This makes no fucking sense. Well, that's that. I know what you're talking about. Cause I've played with a lot of athletes and athletes that aren't,

that don't have the skillset to play that sport still have the competitive edge. Right. Right. Then they get more fucking mad when they can't they don't have the finesse of like you know that sport so then they're like okay well i can fucking do that and they're like that's not legal and they're like well it is now hockey players are fucking insane they're also the craziest drinkers i I mean, I've been a big drinker in my whole life. I don't drink really anymore,

but I mean, I have put in my time and hockey players were always the biggest red flags in terms of, I could barely, I could, I can keep up with a lot of people and hockey players were horrifying. I mean, I've drank with Patrick Kane.

I've drank a lot of the black guys i've drank with some dudes we we had a night with them once they went out with them with the stanley cup and i i was supposed to be up at 7 a.m i went to bed at 6 didn't wake up until 2 p.m getting fired very close to losing his job we had to talk him off the ledge dude i i was i was so close to quitting my like i was i was so positive i was getting fired very close to losing his job we had to talk him off the ledge dude i i was i was so close to quitting my like i was i was so positive i was getting fired i was just gonna quit and just never talk to anyone i worked with ever again like i texted kevin like yo i'm going to the airport i'm flying back to boston on a plane and fucking out of here yeah i can foresee that why don't you

just stay up and just drink through it i i think i just passed out i don't know but my last memory is i was in a in an alleyway with patrick sharp eating like a cereal i bought at a gas station and then after that is i don't know i'm just gone yeah i i've drank with them in chicago dave boland is a buddy of mine and we we went to a bar I don't even remember. I was already drunk. Met up with them. It was complete chaos. And then I somehow did the classic drunk zombie out the back door vanish. And I don't remember what was going on.

I just remember my phone. All of a sudden, I'm like, gah. Then it was like the classic drunk come to, too,'re like god what year is it and i was fucking walking on train tracks i was walking on train tracks like that's the train tracks and jay bowen's like hey where are you and i go i i don't know i'm on like there i see train tracks he's like get off those get off those and i'm like yeah i get the fuck first thing starts going into a fucking hole i remember we were doing a ton of jaeger bombs and jaeger i can't even it's like water in minnesota it was for the time being and i used to drink it all the time but it's it's a pretty quick fucking i yeah that'll do the trick every time, man. What is your

red flag licker where you're guaranteed something is going to go horribly wrong? Dude, I honestly don't think I have one. It depends who you ask. Either I don't have one or it's all of them. All of them. I was going to say, you don't have a

non-red flag. I could ever eat anything that's got it all. If you say you don't have a red flag, then they're all fucking red flags. Yeah. But it's not like there's not one where I'm like, oh, if I touch tequila, some nights if I touch tequila, I'll go nuts. Some nights

if I touch whiskey, I'll go nuts. Some nights if it's gin, Jager, Fireball, anything can start this fucking party. Anything. Certain flavors of White Claw, I touch whiskey, I'll go nuts. Some nights, if it's gin, Jaeger, Fireball, anything can start this fucking party. Anything. Certain flavors of White Claw. I'm like, what do you do? I think to me, Jameson is usually, like, I don't like Jameson. So if I'm doing it, that means I'm, like, on a mission.

And that means I'm starting, like, they're starting to go down a little bit easier and the the most true blackout I ever had where you know somebody like I blacked out it's like no you didn't like one of the nights where I don't remember anything I time traveled for like 12 hours was about like a bottle of Jameson to the face it was with David Wright's younger brother of all people he was a bartender We just went shot for shot. And at the time, this was like early on in the career where I hadn't met anybody. I didn't know any athletes or anything. So I thought of David Wright's brother as like a big deal. I was like, I got to show him I can drink. And the next thing you know, woke up, like lights on.

It was like two days later, it felt like pure time travel. So Jameson's probably my Achilles heel, yeah. Yeah, Jameson's one that i had to quit quit drinking i went through a phase where i was just a hardcore jameson dude so one of my favorite jameson moments danny mcbride called me up and uh he goes what's up man what are you doing today and i go nothing he goes you want to see that movie Black Swan and I was like yeah all right it was like a Saturday afternoon and then he goes Black Swan sold out you want to get drunk and I was like okay this is years ago before he was married and everything so I'm like all right

so we start day drinking so we decide to go shot for shot so he drinks tequila and i was drinking jameson so we go shot for shot and we're up to about nine each then we're like okay and then you know when you like are on a good bender and you're like who else can we drag into this and then you start texting so we're texting directors all these people friends of ours and we got a handful of people out. And they were like, okay. So long story short, I ended up, we both ended up doing about probably 23 each. We got all these other people. The director, Reuben Fleischer, who did 30 Minutes or Less that me and Danny were in and Zombieland.

He, to this day, still says what a disaster it was. A full blackout, and then it was people losing, like, everything on them. Wallets, phones, jackets, vomit. It was just a complete, complete disaster. And so Danny and I burned our hangout with us, just see what happens card that day, because there was a good like dozen people that were are now like relationship problems and it's like one of those like bad bad dude i love i started with like yo you want to go see a fucking natalie portman movie yeah you want to go watch holy shit that reminds me of uh there's a scene in 30 Rock

where Tracy Jordan asks for an apple juice and they go, we don't have apple juice. He goes, alright, I'll have four beers then. And it's like, you know when there's a casual afternoon movie? I can't do that. Let's just black the fuck out then.

Yeah. I love day drinking. That's like one of my favorites, dude. The absolute best. the fact that this ever that people ever decided that alcohol should be a nighttime thing that we did it wrong as like a society we should have a long time ago established we'll drink during the day maybe we'll work at night we did it all backwards because there's something about when the sun's out and everybody's happy daytime getting booze it's the best feeling in the world yeah no it's a blast when you can tie on a good i mean that was the funny thing about being a stand-up was that we would have our days free so if you were

doing shows and if you had a week off you know what i mean you'd be like okay it's tuesday at one o'clock oh i'm gonna go to the bar why not and it was like you would just go it was fucking amazing and you know it was tricky to drag friends where i'm like dude let's go get hammered and they're like dude i'm married i'm not fucking peter Pan and can be like you're basically describing me and Kevin's life that's us that's us right there

so you're married right? I am divorced would she spaz out about shit like that? no she used to enjoy herself as well once we settled down and had kids it was always like March Madness, drinking at the bar all day long.

Yeah, that would be a problem. That usually didn't go over too well, hence the divorce. We got a good run in, though. We had our days. And then Pettelberg fights is just lost in Never Never Land forever and always. Pretty good. Pretty good over here. and then Fettelberg fights is just lost in Never Never Land forever and always so pretty good pretty good over here I don't

they always say like grass is greener I like my grass my grass is fucking beautiful you got a great lawn I'm not bringing anybody else

onto my lawn dude fuck alright so The Wrong Misty is out on Netflix May 13th very funny movie awesome stuff

we appreciate your time, man. See you next time. Yeah, guys. Let's golden tee it up. Get a little fucking... Nick, I'm in. I'll come out. Don't threaten me with a good time.

We'll play golden tee and get shit-faced during the day. It sounds like a time. Fuck yeah. Let's do it. Have a good one, man. Bye, guys. Thank you. Turn around.

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