KFC Radio - Peeing All Over Your Boyfriend, Saving the Local Bars, and the End of 2020

Episode Date: December 22, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a review! -Woman throws away her life for Pharma Bro Martin Shkreli -KFC is done with the Jets -John Mulaney has entered rehab -AITAs -Top 5 Favorite Bars -Voicemails -A Look Back at 2020 Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @FeitsbarstoolYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Come on! Get there! This is what we do all the conditioning for! Get your eyes closed! This is why we do those suicides! This is why we do Hermes conditioning for. Get your eyes closed. This is why we do those suicides. This is why we do Hermes.

Come on! I lost. It's another edition. It's the final edition of KFC Radio for the year 2020. Quite a year. I've been thinking about it now that we're recording. I'm going to make a request because there's a Barstool happy hour happening right now, and I feel left out. Oh, that's right.

Nick, could you go get us two drinks, please? A couple bevvies? A couple bevvies? I mean, everyone's having a good time having some cocktails. I want a cocktail. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Whatever's easy. Grab a Miller or some New Amsterdam or make it simple. We're going to have ourselves a time.

We're going to have ourselves a day. No guests today. Just me and your boy Fights taking you through to wrap up the year. We got a jam-packed episode. We're also going to take a stroll down memory lane and replay some of the bits from our first episode of the year, which I can assure you, I would imagine. It's actually crazy. We listened to it. We predicted everything.

Did we? Yeah. I didn't listen because I wanted to hear it. No, I'm kidding. I didn't listen. But also, we didn't predict a pandemic. Well, of course we didn't predict a pandemic, but I was wondering if we were going to be incredibly pessimistic or if we were optimistic.

If I had to guess, the seesaw of our emotions tilts towards pessimism. Bro, there's the sea. There's no saw. My shit is just, I'm the fat kid who's just stuck on the bottom of the fucking seesaw and there's the little kids hanging from the other side trying to pull it down, and that pessimism ain't giving up, man. All right, so there's a whole slew of shit to get into, but first I got to tell you about Martin Shkreli.

Oh, yeah. This is, dude, this is, you know, as we record this, it's December 21st. Everyone's making their year-end top lists and compilations and rankings and all that shit. This is sneaking in there for one of the best, most ridiculous stories of the year. Now, you know Martin Shkreli. Martin Shkreli was the pharma bro, as they nicknamed him. About Wu-Tang. About the Wu-Tang album.

He made it to the championship of the Barstool Brackets biggest villain. Oh, I see. So that was funny because I threw him in there because he's a real-life person. But he was in the news, and he was this fucking James Bond villain. So I threw him in there with the championship with Shooter McGavin versus this guy who gained international infamy because he raised the price of AIDS medicine 5,000%. So he just like came up, he had the patent or he bought it after it expired, whatever it was. And he was like, jack it up 5,000%, which is something that pharmaceutical companies

do every day, by the way. But the fact that we can now pinpoint this guy, it's usually like one person. Yeah. Usually it's Pfizer or Merck or, or you know one of these big things that you can't who knows but it was like this asshole is behind that so uh he was the pharma and he just looks that's the problem two things his name shkarelli and the look on his face the pointy nose and he's always doing he looks like the child catcher yeah he does from chitty chitty bang and he's got he does this like portnoy, like prep school face. Like he's very, very, you know, just looks like you want to smash his face with a fucking iron.

And so he's just like the biggest asshole in the world. And he's in jail now. So all that shit happens, which is slimy, but he's allowed to do it. Then it turns out he violates some like SEC rules. Thank you, sir. A couple of cold Miller lights here cheers bud to 2020 um then he goes to jail while he's in jail a girl by the name of christy smith starts to cover him she works for bloomberg she writes an article about him she actually starts to write like a book about him she really starts to cover him. She works for Bloomberg. She writes an article about him. She actually starts to write a book about him.

She really starts to dive into it. I think she was the one who first broke the news. I think she got a ton of attention, and she was just like, whoa, this guy, he's got juice behind him. And she becomes pen pals with him while he's in jail. And the professional pen pal relationship starts to turn a little more personal.

She starts to fall for Martin Shkreli. As she describes it, now this girl, she works for Bloomberg. She's like an accredited journalist, good writer. She has a husband. She dated him for five years. She got engaged. They have this beautiful home in Brooklyn. He works in finance.

I imagine she's the creative one, and he makes the money, and they're married. And as she describes it, because this is something we've all said about our relationships, it was like being boiled alive in a hot tub. Excuse me? Where everything just kind of started to escalate. So I started covering him for work, and then I started to realize, oh, you know what? He's not what they say he is. Then I started to be pen pals with him and then we started to get closer and then he

invited me for a visit and then we did this together and it just kept escalating to the point that she blew up her whole life, divorced the husband, left the home. She now lives in a basement in Harlem. What? Falls head over heels in love with Martin Shkreli. He is wooing her and saying, you know, I'm not this guy. He has her visit.

She gets a license because she's a city girl. She goes up to the DMV. This might not be the craziest thing this girl did. She signed up to get a license to be able to drive to Pennsylvania where he's imprisoned to visit him. That is. She tells the tale, John.

She says that the first time they ever had a, I guess, not a conjugal visit, but they were visiting. She said the room smelled of chicken wings and they shared their first kiss. I mean, tale as old as time. Who hasn't fallen in love with an international supervillain, blown up their entire life and career, and visited him in prison and shared a first kiss in a cell that smelled like chicken wings? Who hasn't? I, wait. There are times.

I'm not done. Okay. Okay. He and his lawyer, his legal team, eventually use this as a COVID-19 hits, all this shit. He's like, let me out of prison i'm you know there's covet and i am engaged to be married this is my fiance and so he's like now mind you two other times he has been profiled and investigated and and journalists have come both times he bought the url domain name of those girls after they came to visit him so he bought emily saul.com and then he tweeted about it being like you could buy this right now he tweeted

about it i get i don't know this is probably before jail before he's like i think he was like in trial but not in jail yet okay and he said i bought it for twelve dollars you can have it for twelve thousand because she's a rising star he's this dude gets like obsessed with these women who come to investigate or not investigate what's the word profile so he's you know we're engaged she's betrothed to be married wants out of prison she blew up her life

like the quotes from her are and it's so cliche they went to like a Murray Hill bar together before he went to prison and that was like when she fell in love. I'm like, you are such a fucking puppet. There are quotes from the husband being like, you're ruining your whole life for this fucking asshole. What are you doing?

So this article that's profiling her profiling him, the article that I'm getting all this information from is now out. He's ghosting her. Wait, hang on. So he's ghosting her. Wait. Hang on. He stopped talking to her? All the details of her falling in love with him. Are now public. For people like myself. To make fun of.

And for us to discuss. And he's like. Peace. Will not respond to anything she's. Any letters. Anything. How long has he been around? He released a statement.

It's like this. I think it's like yesterday. Okay. It's in the Elle magazine March 2021 issue, but it's out on the internet already. I was like, you really? I thought January, February, March, but it's out. It's out. He released a statement about her.

The most generic of statements possible. I wish her best of luck in her future endeavors. Oh my God. And the guy who wrote this article says to her, like, so what's up with you guys for the future? And she's like, well, I just can't wait for him to be out and for us to be together. And he's like-

How long is he supposed to be in for? I think he got seven years. Seven. And I think he's only like maybe a couple into it and he was hoping for covid so maybe she's hoping for that um and the guy who wrote this article in l magazine he he was interesting too he was like i think that this was her attempt to actually have some power in the relationship by putting this article out and boy did that backfire because he's ghosting her and the guy says to her he he said in the statement like best of luck in future endeavors like what do you think that means and like she

teared up and was like i suppose it means that our paths are gonna fork here it's like yeah bitch yeah i mean wait is that video looney tunes no no it's all just like an article uh she sold her book rights to potentially maybe be a movie about this so she's got a little bit of money but like other than that nada to show for it martin shkreli he's out here getting engaged john imagine if you're sitting at home and you're lonely and you can't get a date you can't get a call back you're not doing well on hinge and martin shkreli he's got a fucking wife that he is dumping he's ghosting her martin's in

prison dudes in prison get fucking way they do and i didn't mean it like that i mean consensually late as well because it's mysterious you're a bad boy you're a bad boy i hated martin shkreli when he was out i still hate him but now i'm like maybe something to him

because guess what i don't understand how you even fall for this guy because i've hate him but now i'm like maybe something to him because guess what i don't understand how you even fall for this guy because i've seen him not in like not in the media as he's painted as a villain or like i i i was i forget why me and dan were together but like i was in the room when he was on part of my take and i forgot about that years ago years ago and like he was in person or no no no no no it was like a zoom yeah um i feel like i was in person or no? No, no, no. It was like a Zoom. I feel like we were in Newport or something. How did that go? It was not good.

Because that's a guy that I would not, you know, like what he did was scummy but not technically illegal or whatever. And a lot of times, like, you know, I've had Logan Paul on. I feel like I always... I try to show the other side of it sort of thing. I think that's a guy that I would just be like, you're a dick. You're a dick, dude. He was trying to be... He was trying to portray himself in a way that would

make people think he's interesting. And he just wasn't. I don't understand how... It wasn't like he was getting railroaded or anything like that. It was part of my thing. It's funny. Everyone who comes on that show, people like him afterwards. And it was just like, this dude is, there's nothing

here. He is not its chief. I don't understand how you think, I mean, clearly she's an insane person. That's obvious. I mean, no doubt. But the, I guess. I mean, literally, anytime you're saying in a good way that you were being boiled alive in a hot tub. It was like death by a thousand paper cuts, our love.

Like, what the fuck? But, yeah, and that's not a guy, you know, but the cannibal cop, he has like a legion of women. And from Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, all these people. But that's different. I don't know. I think there is something sexy about mass murder. Like, I'm an SEC securities fraud guy. That's not getting my dick hard.

You're just evil. Yeah, he's just a piece of shit. I think just being evil is... You think there is intrigue there? I guess it's, yeah, an intriguing personality trait. I also will say, you go through prison and come like, come out, like, you're bad. You're a baddie, you know? But he's a white collar, right?

I would imagine he's, like, in middle. You think middle? I don't know. Middle security. I mean, he broke a white collar crime. How could you put him in regular prison? Yeah, I mean, I guess maybe you're right. I don't know. I could see them, like, not going lenient on him, though.

Like, whatever, probably whatever the maximum was allowed the judge probably yeah let's fucking let's do that um but you know and and and like he he's made money you know he got into his spot by like by by you know owning a aids fucking medication patent or whatever he's like a smart cat he should have just he should just be like i'm smart i'm like i'm a brilliant fucking i'm a mad scientist genius i use my smarts to make money that should just be your brand other than you bought the wu-tang album he actually he's like a rapper sometimes like he's just a fucking asshole you can make your money and do it in a way that you don't have to be a complete scumbag and screw over the poor, helpless people of the world.

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It's, it's so, it would be so dumb to not have acorns because like, even when I was young, even now, even now, I like, I'm so intimidated by the investment process.

Even now, I'm like, I don't have enough money to invest. Like you definitely do. Yeah. And, but like, it's,

you can just do it with pennies. Like you do it with just the money you wouldn't miss goes into an account that makes you more money and gets you a nice fat portfolio. And even if it's just like, I don't know, if I could go into my Acorns account and be like, I'm buying my kids Christmas gifts this year with that money. I hope you make Martin Shkreli, like, you know, major money. But if you have just like, yeah, this is going to take care of this expense or, you know, this this vacation or whatever it is this year. It can happen all at Acorns dot com slash KFC. You get a five dollar bonus when you sign up, which, you know, that five dollars starts rolling, snowballs downhill. And next thing you know, that's big money. Takes three minutes to start investing and saving all the money that you don't even know you're going to.

You don't even know exists anyway. It's acorns.com slash KFC. I think I'm retiring from the Jets. Oh, yeah? I think I am. I will say that I will definitely retire if they somehow keep Gase. I will retire for the Jets. That is unfathomable to me. But then again, someone falling for Martin Shkreli was unfathomable.

Anything is possible! The final yesterday was 23-17, I want to say. 23-20, I think. 23-20 at the end. What, did they kick a field goal? At some point, yeah, I think. 23-20 at the end. 23-20, what, did they kick a field goal? At some point, yeah, they did. Yeah, didn't they do that instead? Yeah, because they scored a touchdown that got called back, and then I think they kicked a field goal,

and then they were coming down again. Sean McVay threw the ball deep. So the first half, the Jets played out of their minds, blocking punts, picking balls off with one hand, Stan McDonald marching. It was insane. But I was like, all right, that's going to stop. And then the second half, the cream rises to the top.

And that's exactly what happened. The Rams just started marching. They were running the ball down their throat at will. And then all of a sudden, Sean McVay, on a final drive, they scored. I was like, that's it. They took the lead. They're never looking back. Gets called back because of a penalty. Whatever. Just keep going back to that. On like a final drive, they scored. I was like, that's it. They took the lead. They're never looking back.

Gets called back because of a penalty. Whatever. Just keep going back to that. Just keep running it. As long as there's no hold, no penalty, you're fine. Third down, he airs the ball out. Like third and four. I'm like, let's just get this first down, keep the chains moving.

Airs it out. Incomplete pass. They're going for it on fourth. I'm like, I don't know about this they air it out again deep ball threw it to the running back and the tight end two deep balls on third and fourth down with like four minutes to go against this team that you're running the ball down their fucking throats i think they were the ones tanking and so there goes the dream that's it it's over now that now they're both 1 and 15 the jags and the they're both one in 15, the Jags and the, they're both one in 13, the Jags and the jets,

the Jags like decidedly cannot change, have the worst strength of schedule. So they are the, they win the tiebreaker. I mean, theoretically, could they, could the bears blow it next week against them?

Sure. The bears are the bears too. Who are the jets? The jets have the Browns and then the Pats. I mean, you're going to lose to the Browns. Yeah, like, the Browns are a good team, but the Browns are like the Bears. Like, a better version. But both teams have, like, playoff hopes, and they should win.

But also, they have a history of, like, sucking. Yeah. You know? So anything could happen, I guess. But, you know, both teams are going to lose out, be 1-15, and then the jags get trevor lawrence and so that's it and so that's it i'm done dude that's it i'm done so i mean that john that's that that's a franchise crippling loss that changes the next 15 years well but

you still get like justin fields but just justin fields is, very good. Doesn't matter to you. Dude, there are good quarterback prospects, and then there are, like, can't-miss generational guys. Trevor Lawrence is one of those dudes. I've even started to learn this myself, because I don't watch. I mean, Trevor Lawrence is worth, like, what were the two games against Notre Dame this year? They beat, Notre Dame beat Clemson,

and the kid played pretty good. Oh, right, when he didn't, yeah, when he was out. And then they fucking curb stomped Notre Dame. Yes. With Trevor Lawrence. I mean, and that's. Was it finally that, like, 50 to 10?

Every week, he just throws, like, 350 and three touchdowns. It's like, he's so good, he gets, like, the LeBron pass almost, where it's like, you're talking about Justin Fields, because, like, we can't just keep. We've been talking about Trevor Lawrence since he was, like, 17. As you say. You know? Since his rookie year, freshman year.

He's lost one game his entire life. Like through high school and then it was the Alabama Championships. It was a big one. But he's lost one game ever since it's mattered. Joe Burrow is something like that too. It's crazy. Joe Burrow, his record as a starter is something like that. And so that dude was going to be the chosen one.

Because not only are you hoping that it becomes like a Peyton Manning situation, but more importantly, from Jump Street, even when he was going through growing pains as a rookie and maybe they're not winning right away, he was going to have respect. And he was going to ball out week in and week out where it's like, all right, the Jets lost this week, but Trevor Lawrence is a bad man.

That'll be the storyline. You won't be the butt of everyone's joke. You won't be the punchline because it'll be like, Trevor's coming. Justin Fields might be the butt of everyone's joke. You won't be the punchline. Cause it'll be like Trevor's coming. Yeah. Justin Fields might be, they might not even draft the quarterback now. Maybe they just do stick with Donald,

but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. None of it matters. None of it matters. You can draft Justin Fields. He'll be, maybe he's okay. He's not Trevor Lawrence.

You stick with Sam Donald. I think that's crazy. Cause I think he's physically and mentally and emotionally broken. And there's just, he needs to change the scenery. He'll be like Tannehill he'll be good somewhere else but not here or you trade the pick trade down and get a bunch of picks and draft

it doesn't matter football is so crazy that like in 24 hours your hopes went from you know a generational talent to and let's just trade down and that's why I'm saying I think I'm done I just don't think I can do it.

I mean, I think you've been kind of teetering on this edge for a while. Yes. I think you jump off. Couple that with the Mets. Like, if the Mets are going to be good and exciting and relevant and in it, and, like, nine, eight, seven, eight months of the year, I'm, like, all excited, and then the calendar flips, and I have to, like, be this lowly asshole again.

The Jets have never done anything for me. The Mets, for whatever reason, still bring me some sort of excitement. I don't know why, but the Jets are just misery, and I don't think I want to do it anymore. I guess you have the Yankees too, but I think part of the Jets is the 20 years of the Patriots. How about that? I can't even enjoy that the playoff streak ends.

Like yesterday should have been a dancing on New England grave while we take another step further to Trevor Lawrence. And instead, nobody's even talking about how the Patriots didn't make it this year. No, I actually think it's been pretty underwhelming, too. But this has been, oh, God, I can't think of a good analogy. You know what it is? It's like getting boiled alive in a hot tub.

That was my joke. You played it so well, I thought you were actually looking for one. You're a good goddamn actor. It was exactly like being boiled alive in a hot tub, where it's just like, you knew it was coming. It was just getting a little warmer and a little warmer. I think you called me yesterday and were like, what's the deal? If they lose, are they eliminated?

I'm like, yeah, but they might be mathematically, but they are eliminated already. That was the fucking kick in the dick to end it all. I filmed a whole fucking episode doing a Pepe Silvia conspiracy theory about how Belichick was going to be the one to fuck us on week 17, how he was going to throw the game, and that was going to be the end of the Trevor Lawrence dream. This whole video was great. I'm smoking cigarettes. I'm crazy. You actually smoked it? Yeah.

I grabbed a bunch of fucking Zimbabwe cigarettes off of Donnie's desk, and that became totally useless. And then I went home, and I recorded a podcast all by myself. I mean, I had no voice. I was sweating. I felt defeated. I was just, I felt like defeated. I was like, I got to capture this. And my dumb fucking desk at home wobbles.

And I had my feet up. And the whole time it was just kind of like, and I just didn't think the mic was picking it up. And it was like the whole time. And so now I have, I'm going to put it on, on mail time and just be like, this is keeping an audio diary. I might start doing that too, because it felt good getting that idea honestly that'll be the rantings of a madman one day i heard it this morning that's why when you came in i'm like are you okay just yeah yeah it was bad right so nick went through and tried to try to work some magic i think we'll still be able to put it out but i was like oh my god i have like hours

worth of work today that is all useless on top of my misery. But I think I'm just done. I think I'm going to go be into art or something. You don't have to pick up on something new. You can just not be a Jets guy. But sports in general. I guess I just don't watch football. I just don't care about football.

I think you can stop caring about a team. Do you watch the sport? I feel, but continue to watch the sport. I feel like they do that in the NBA, where it's just like, I just watch stuff hurry. Oh, yeah, basketball teams are almost going to be obsolete. Yeah, yeah.

It's just like a bunch of players. Right, it should just be like one-on-one games. You see Mark Cuban wants to cut the time down? He wants to what? Make the game shorter. 40 minutes. Why not? Yeah, sure.

It's to prolong the careers. I feel like basketball also doesn't have the purists. Yeah, where it's like the records are going to... But I think card players might. Maybe, but who has the most points scored in NBA history and what number is it? You have no fucking idea, right? I'm going to guess it is Kobe.

No? I want to say, I think it's still Kareem, but it might be Carmelo. Kareem or Will? What's the number? You don't know. Baseball, you know all the numbers. You know the history. What's it on, 753?

I think seven, I guess maybe we don't know. I wanted to say 762 for some reason. But, like, you know, 61, you know, 400. Oh, I think 73 was the record. I don't know where it finished. Yeah, I think he finished in, like, 760-something. But, like, you know, if you were to change the 150 games or something, that fucks with record books a lot.

Basketball. And if you told me that like shaving eight minutes a game off or whatever he wants to do, I bet you that could like prolong careers by like two or three more seasons. But his argument was that the most popular sports in the world are the ones with the least amount of playing time, which doesn't mean... I'm sorry, maybe most popular sports in the country are the ones with the least amount of playing time. Which doesn't mean... Maybe most popular sports in the country.

Because he said soccer lasts. Clearly soccer is not the least popular sport in the world. But the NFL is 60 minutes. Right. Yeah, I guess I didn't listen to it. He quote tweeted someone talking about it. Someone talking about him talking about it. I think it should just become like three on three ball.

Yeah. Just fuck the whole thing. Let's do a dunk contest. Yeah, big three, baby. That's what people like. Yeah. So, yeah, I think I'm out. I think I'm out on that.

Maybe that'll be my resolution 2021. Oh, I didn't think about that. Resolutions? Yeah. Yeah, today we're going to do top fives and Am I the Asshole. Jam them both in there. Of course, our voicemails. So we got a lot more to get into.

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Breaking news. John Mulaney. Rehab. Coke and... No! What? no what yeah coke and what coke and booze wow you think that's a pandemic effect or you think he's always been like that i would bet um i would bet that uh it is pandemic really i mean like everything is pandemic right whether it's subconscious or not right um but But you think that's something like, you know, you just started boozing too much? Breaking off rails too much in the pandemic? He was an alcoholic, so he was sober.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, okay. So that's not that big of a deal then. No. I thought, I didn't know that. I think of him as like clean comic, clean, you know. No, no, no. He talks about being going to rehab.

I'm not going to rehab, but being sober. But you know what? What? This should be good. I can hear it in your voice. I'm kind of like a little bit like, rehab, but being sober. But you know what? What? This should be good. I can hear it in your voice. I'm kind of like a little bit like, okay, he earned it. Because when he does the bits, he was an alcoholic at like 16. Okay.

You were just 16. He's like, I blacked out at parties. Yeah, that's. Yeah, you were in fucking high school. So that means, but. Oh, wait. So wait, what are you saying? I'm saying that like that doesn't count.

Being an alcoholic at 16? Yeah. I think, well, wait, so wait, what are you saying? I'm saying that, like, that doesn't count. Being an alcoholic at 16? Yeah. I think, well, okay, so I know what you mean. Now, obviously, you can be an, but that's what I'm saying. But the stories he told, I was like, that's just being a 16-year-old. So it's either, okay, I think that you're right. It's either it means nothing or it means, like, you are a bad motherfucker. And maybe he does have, like, the real dark stories, but they don't play on stage.

And what is he now, like 45? 38. 38. So let's say, let's call it 18. You had a good 20-year run of being clean, I think. All right, so you had to slow up, get back out there, fix it up, and get back on course. 60-day rehab, that's a legit rehab. That's probably a pretty sweet vacation, too.

You probably feel great after that, you know? You're like, you know, like everything. Like, you get rid of the booze and the coke, but you're probably like clean living for all of it. You come out of that feeling like you're on top of the world. Yeah, you're probably on cleanses and shit. And then you fucking come out and you relapse right away. Wow, though.

I mean, that's also no better time to do it. The holidays? I feel like you get like, what? The holidays? If you're going to go to rehab, might as well hit it over Christmas. I meant like the um christmas in rehab that should be the name of like a comedy album or something christmas in rehab just the between like the long-term vibe right now but also the short term like

you'll get so much support and everybody being like yeah yeah yeah i mean you get a bunch of assholes too but now's the time to do it. There are probably people who should just announce it just for PR. I need to rehab myself. Like, oh, yeah, you can do it. Nobody's making fun of you anymore, you know. But shit, all right, well, John Mulaney, stand up in a minute, you know. I have breaking news as well. My Hyundai is fixed.

I am quite literally Cinderella, and my carriage is turning back into a pumpkin so hyundai um funny enough we just had our our year-end meeting uh presentation and we were talking about all the sponsors and uh clients we work with and after everything that went on with hyundai we've been in contact with them and they might potentially become a advertiser in the year coming. So they were, they're taking care of like everything. It turns out that my car,

they will cover the, the engine getting all fucked up. And in the meantime, they gave me a replacement car and they gave me the hyundai palisade which is like i mean you know we're not talking fucking rolls royce here but it is like it's by far the nicest suv i've ever driven big it's smooth it's got an engine it's got the works i've got camera i've got it i got you know you got the you got the back the reverse camera right i've also got i don't use by the way i'm old school i am i i was that way but eventually, right? Which I don't use, by the way. I'm old school.

I was that way, but eventually I just – I know. I don't either, but – I mean, it's quite literally a live feed of what's behind your car. I'm like, they might be making this. Well, so I've learned to trust the reverse camera. I also think there's something – there's just something primal. Yeah, I got it. The arm over. Yes. Yes. It's like – Yeahal. Yeah, I got it. The arm over.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, totally. I'm backing up. Everyone chill out. That's the Frank Costanza. Hang on. Don't worry.

I got this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put your palm in. Yeah, yeah. But I have, when I put my blinker on, I get these like tire cameras almost that show me the sides and then i have a bird's eye view which i'm like is there a fucking drone like flying above me it must be some sort of composite yes like it shows the top of my car which i can tell is actually not it must be like that is like a 3d rendering

what's around me is real so there must be cameras on the sides and then it must like project it or some shit but I have my back camera and then above me is like as if there was a drone just driving alongside me that's insane I've got like these lights that like line the side doors

it's like when you're, have you ever flown like a virgin Atlantic with the purple lighting? yeah yeah yeah I have the purple lighting I mean, you're in tokyo drift i've been living man and it's i mean my my i think i fucked my engine up so i think like when i went to the dealership they were like we don't know how to fix this like we like rotate the tires here so i think they ship it and fix it so i've been driving this for like a couple weeks now and i don't want to go back i don't want to go back i'm like i want to like text him like so you guys advertising with us or not like you want to like you want to like keep this going yeah please right that would be dope that's

what i gotta get you know i we i always joked like thank you to the people who like send me free snacks and send me like a piece of clothing but we got to start like how about mercedes sends us some shit you know we can start getting cars that'd be pretty fucking nice send me a boat how about that woo me like that so yeah maybe i get a maybe i get a free fucking hyundai um wait so you have to get that car back i gotta get that car back and i get my original car back, which will be fixed and is totally a fine, normal car, but it ain't the souped-up, jacked-up, three-rows Palisade, you know? The Palisade is a nice name. Yeah, right?

It's quite nice. So, yeah, the clock has struck midnight and I will be returning to my Hyundai Tucson. Fuck me. You want to get into Am am I the asshole? Yeah, we got some, we got some epic. Am I the asshole? So let's get into it. Simply safe. Uh, I'll tell you what, you're an asshole. If you don't get simply safe. Am I the, I hear John, let me hit you. Uh, am I the asshole? So I'm, I'm a young guy. I just got married and have my kids and I moved into a home and I have a bunch of important

possessions, including my loved ones and my children in there. And I don't protect it with simply safe. There are burglars in my neighborhood who might break in and steal my belongings and or the humans in my life. I don't have 24 seven protection for a low, low cost. I don't have a security system set in place that you can set up in just 30 minutes without the help of a technician i don't have a long-term contract where i get caught uh caught up in in uh in i don't have a short-term contract with that that they don't lock you in for years and years and years and uh i might lose everything that's important to me uh am i the asshole geez am i the asshole who's the asshole yeah you're the fucking asshole yeah you are if you don't

have simply safe you are a goddamn asshole because like i said everything right there 24 7 protection that you can set up in less than 30 minutes that's affordable with no long-term contract uh you just set up some monitors you set up some uh sensors some uh sirens and bingo bango bongo you and everyone in your family and all of your loved ones, all of your belongings are safe. It can save you from the burglars, from fire, from floods, from earthquakes, from anything that can harm you and your shit. Go to simply safe dot com slash KFC radio. You get a 60 day risk free trial and you'll get a a free security camera on top of it. So a little bit of extra safety. Maybe it can even be one like a bird's eye view

to protect the top of your house like my Hyundai car. But it's simply safe, S-I-M-P-L-I, safe.com, slash KFC Radio. And like I said, you definitely want to protect all your loved ones and stuff. But also, as a guy, you don't want it to be like if something goes wrong, your wife and everyone in your life is going to be like,

dude, you didn't protect your, you know. It's like the number one thing the man's got to do protect the house and you couldn't just sign up at simply safe.com yeah just hire another man to do it right exactly you don't have to actually do it they do it for you simply i don't know how to shoot a shotgun but simply safe i'm not gonna stand guard with a shield and a spear but they'll do it for you simply safe.com slash KFC Radio. 60-day risk retrial plus a free camera. Go get it. I'm so hot in here.

It's very toasty, right? Let me get up these, like, epic M.I. the assholes. All right. So this is one that got sent to us immediately, and I can absolutely understand why. This made it to both M.I and the reddit ships my boyfriend and i have been going steady the last two years shout out to the year 1950 going steady i won't bore you with too many details but just know that it's been wonderful we click on multiple levels and i believe we could and i believe we could click sexually too but i messed up early on in our dating days and i'm not sure how to go back the first time we had sex we were

both quite tipsy okay so i was straight up drunk but please know that i was consenting don't waste your time or energy on rape accusations this is important because we would never because this would never happen when i was sober he was pounding me while I was on top, which is kind of a weird... You can do that with the upwards thrust, but I would not describe that like... You're not pounding. No, and also, you get about 30 seconds of that. You've got to have...

And then guess who's a little wiped out. Yeah, your hip flexors are fucking burning. You had that James Harrison workout where you put the fucking dumbbells and you're humping it up. I would not call that pounding. I would characterize that more as clapping. It was clapping me because you get a lot of that

flap, flap, flap. It's an accurate description, but also someone was like, he was clapping me. I'd be like, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. You've got to describe it, but I think in order to say someone was pounding you, I think that's got to be like legs up on the shoulders or, you know, just straight, you're on top. Yeah, you know, it's got to be...

You got to have gravity working with you, not against you to be pounding. Anywho, he was pounding me while I was on top, and I lost control of my bladder. I seriously pissed all over him in his bed. I was mortified and started bawling and climbing off him when he stopped me and told me it was super hot and he had never made a girl squirt like that before. I was still in shock and I went with it. Sure, yeah, I squirted. Right.

Anyways, ever since that night, if we have sex and I don't quote unquote squirt, he feels bad and he feels like he didn't do a good job. So I just kept going with it and forcing myself to pee the carpet our couch mattresses curtains our quilted headboard have all been ruined and it straight up smells like piss despite my best efforts to clean i don't know how he doesn't know i even broached pee play in a joking way to see if he did know that i was and he was like, ew. So he definitely thinks it's squirt. I really want to stop destroying the house,

but once COVID is over, I'd like to have company over. Uh, it has to stop, but I don't know how to tell him without making him feel totally disgusted and lied to please help. I'll take any ideas into consideration because honestly, I can't see a way out too long.

Didn't read. I peed played along with it. It was squirting and now our furniture and maybe relationship is destroyed. That's an all-timer. All-timer. That's an all-timer. All-timer right up our alley.

Very, very good one. So let me just say a couple things. One, I think if you've had any experience with squirting, and I guess maybe if you hadn't and this would be your first time, you're not going to make somebody squirt from that position that way. Right? I guess you have more experience than me in it. I don't know what is like. I've had someone squirt on top, but not from like the pounding she's describing where it's like the clapping.

You know, if you're making someone squirt, you're like digging digging in the fuck you're in there and like trying to make it happen i if it was me i would be like i just i've seen porn i've dabbled in that world a little bit that that's not how it's happening but for her to be like i don't know how he doesn't know the world is very it's a gray area with squirting oh well i don't think it's a gray area i think we might lie to ourselves but we know the truth that it's p yeah right so for her to be like walk around pretending it's not like oh that is sexy it's just there there is i know no no i mean there's something different that gets mixed up with some p i think think it's... It's not fully pee. Because I've never just had a full yellow pee situation. There is ejaculate, I guess they call it.

But it's going through the pee hole, and so I think some things get mixed up together. I don't know. I think it's mostly pee. I mean, like, Bella has told us on set, like, she just has to chug fucking my life. Well, I think you need to be high. Yeah.

So that's what I mean. I think it's all connected. I love you keep looking out the door, right? We've been walking by. She keeps getting my attention. I'm Nicole. But it's also, it does feel so much better with the air, but now we're talking about Chick-Squirt.

So, I mean, when I've done that, there's definitely a difference between pee, but there also sometimes is some trace characteristics of piss. I mean, if you're just straight up pissing all over. That house sounds like a cat litter box. That's what I mean. If you're doing that, you got to change. What am I thinking? I don't know. Litter box.

Your house smells like a fucking litter box. Litter box, yeah. I mean, if you're doing that, it's like, yes, I always joke, you got to have like a Dexter room ready to go. But if someone was just pissing in your bed all the time, your house would honestly be a fiasco. If you're squirting every time you're having sex, it's probably inconvenient,

but your house does not smell like a litter box. So, I mean, at some point, I think this guy has to be like, this is like a yellow stain of pee and at some point like i mean you can't just be fucking pissed on the couch no no you like if you do it in the bedroom that's one thing i suppose but you can't be pissed on the kitchen table yeah the headboard like i mean, come on. You're like lifting your leg here. At some point, we need to take some personal responsibility. And that point is just before we start pissing on the couch to not upset our husband. The other thing, too, is this.

They're just dating. But I think he's like, it's, you know, it's the real deal. But at some point, forget the fucking – you got a really seriously fragile ego if once you make a girl squirt, you have to make them squirt every single time. I mean, again, I've done it and done it consistently, but times that it doesn't happen, I'm not like, oh my god, I didn't make –

it's like, whatever, it didn't fucking happen this time. you break up with this girl she told you the truth no oh i absolutely would yeah oh just because i'm like wait what you've been pissing me well don't get me wrong it's totally deranged and that's what a normal person should do i would probably be like turned on oh well i was like look if you want to pee that's a's a different story. I'd be mad that you're lying to me. Just tell me the truth and piss on me. I'm not going to have a piss. I don't give a shit. But also, not only the, you know, if you're into that, sure, but more like you were so

into the sex and wanted to make sure it was so hot and everything. I'd be like, oh, I'm kind of flattered you kept pissing on me. Oh, yeah. I guess. But again, I would go, but the couch? Yeah. Like, why didn't you just always fuck me in the tub if you wanted to piss on me that bad? This doesn't make any sense from the regard of, like, certain things happen sometimes when you have sex. Like, if you're having a quickie, I think you know, unfortunately for girls a lot of times, like, you're not coming.

You know what I mean? Like, this is just for me to put it in. We had, like, a hot moment, whatever. So, like, sometimes not everybody even comes, let alone squirts. Like you're not coming You know what I mean Like this is just for me To put it in We had like a hot moment Whatever So like Sometimes Not everybody even comes Let alone squirts So if you're like You know

You're on the couch Watching a movie And things start to get Like hot and heavy That doesn't need to be Like squirt sex Right I can just be like

Whoa that was spur of the moment On the couch I don't have to piss On the cushions I mean you're a real Get your fucking priorities In order woman Like

Stop Just say like I had an orgasm What is this guy A fucking idiot He thinks Well say like i can i can i had an orgasm what is this guy a fucking idiot yeah well that's what i mean like i had an orgasm it's good yeah and and by the way like you always do by the by the more important thing to learn here is not every squirt is actually an orgasm is that true that's true you can squirt and as i kind of in my experience it my experience, it's almost frequently not. It's kind of like a thing that occurs that's like good, but it's not like the –

it's basically like I just pushed on your stomach until all your fluids came out. Some of it was cum, some of it was pee, but I just like smashed into your stomach. So, you know. You can't just treat a girl like the last sip of a Capri Sun. Just get in the last bit of toothpaste. I'm rolling it and squeezing it. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, it can happen.

And then she's not even coming. So, you know, dude, just stop. I mean, come on. And you know what's funny? I mean, this guy sounds like a particular pussy. It sounds like she's gone down this road where he really is, like, so mopey about it. But I feel like if, you know, if I thought I needed to every time and some girl was like, yo, dude, like, no, you don't. I'd probably just be like, okay, whatever.

Like, we just didn't communicate or whatever, you know? But I think you got to just stop pissing all over your house. It's as simple as that. If you are pissing in the living room, you're the asshole. Unless, again, it is disgust and desire. Yes. Yes. If the guy's like, what I want is to piss in the living room, then have a piss.

God, sex is weird, man. It is awesome. Do you think that people were doing squirting and maybe even and maybe even, like, P-Play back in... I feel like what happened, I feel like in the Roman and Greek times, they were, like, doing everything. Yeah. And then I feel like we went into, like, a lull. Like, humankind. Yeah, we got puritanical with it.

Yeah, yeah. And so do you think that, like, in, like, the 50s, let's say even, like, just fast forward, do you think in the 50s there were guys, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da doing, like, the hammer time trying to make girls squirt. You look like a slow-mo in a fucking mobster movie with just a Tommy Gunn. Yeah, where you see, like, the ripples in their skin.

Just the Spider-Man fingers that push it on the stomach. Like, was that happening and it just wasn't discussed? Because my point is, if this is, like is where we're progressing, what happens in 100 years from now? If you've got people pissing all over the house to try to keep up with the porn that guys watch,

what happens in the year 3000? Jesus Christ. I think that... Or do you think it always ebbs and flows? Like right now we're reaching a peak, and then we'll get puritanical with it again. I think we'll just get bored with it. And we just stop having sex.

We've seen it all so much. Yeah, I get it. You know what? I think that. But then it's like I would almost be there already, you know, and I still like that. You think so? I mean, if, you know, 15, 20 years of like porn consumption and all that shit is not has not uh grown tired you know i don't think anything will you know what i mean i you probably some level i think we're always going to enjoy

doing it i hope i don't know but bottom line you can't piss all over your house no you are the asshole no what i think they're both everyone's the asshole here ath or whatever uh eth he's the asshole for being like a pussy about it she's the asshole for being a pussy about it not like speaking up about it so stop being a pussy with your piss pussy okay this one's a wild ride too we got sent this a few times as well am i the asshole for choosing my lobster over my child this is almost like the racist dog title sounds bad but hear me out i work as a lobster fisherman i'm away from home for months at a time and then come back for four to six weeks to spend time with my roommate and kids with the christmas season approaching i'm scheduled to get off december

22nd my captain just approached me and said that there are short men for a one week tour and that he wants me to stay on for another week it pays time and a half which would be 700 bucks a day much more than all my friends earn. I love that that's the barometer. I'll be richer than all my fucking low-life friends. I could really use the money, so I told him I would do it. My roommate is upset with me because she wants me to come home and spend time with her and my kids.

From my perspective, I could really use the money for bills, and Christmas is just a day on the calendar. We can celebrate at the end of the month when I get back home. Also, I just recently bought a meat slicer for $200. So, Reddit, am I the asshole? Edit, answering a few questions. My roommate is the mother of the month when I get back home. Also, I just recently bought a meat slicer for $200. So, Reddit, am I the asshole? Edit, answering a few questions. My roommate is the mother of my children, also my girlfriend, but we are not in love.

That's like, I used to call Caitlin my roommate. That's just like a stupid little thing. Meat slicer is relevant because of the additional financial strain. I'm the primary user of the meat slicer when I'm home, but she has full use of it when I'm away. Edit number two, I'm getting a lot of questions about the meat slicer when I'm home, but she has full use of it when I'm away. Edit number two. I'm getting a lot of questions about the meat slicer.

When you buy ribeye pre-sliced, there's a 50 cent premium per slice relative to buying a full ribeye and slicing your own. So assuming you have three to four ribeyes per week, it pays for itself in just over two years. So this guy's got a meat slicer, a ribeye habit, and a

kid. That's what this guy's doing. That is so many ribeyes. Bro, you're going to have a heart attack soon. Three to four ribeyes with a 50 cent premium per slice. In two years, you've got yourself paying for it. Yeah, after that, you're fucking making money. So you've got a roommate, a kid,

a meat slicer, and a ribeye habit. You've got a lot to keep up with the bills. And he's got $700 a day waiting on deck. I mean, $700 a day is cash. That's big money. I mean, this is deadliest catch type shit. And when you live the life of a fisherman, when you're on the downeaster Alexa and you're living that life,

I mean, this is what happens. I feel like this is, you know, you can phrase it as like you chose a lobster over our child. It's like, no, I chose fucking money over our child. And again, not over a child. It's for the child. When you can make that kind of cash, because you can't be a lobster fisherman forever. You can't do that when you're old and brittle.

So I got to go out now when I can still do it. This is the stuff that upsets me. I bring it up in TV shows all the time. It's like, you knew what I did when you started dating me. I still do that. But now it upsets you. That doesn't make you started dating me. I still do that. Yep. But now it upsets you. That doesn't make any sense.

That ain't fair, brother. It's like, I always use Hotch as the example from Criminal Minds. Because they ended up getting a divorce. Him and his wife used to fight all the time.

She's like, you're just never home for dinner. No, I'm saving the fucking country from terrorists and serial killers. Right.

That's what I did. That's what I've always done. That's what I'm going to continue to do. Sometimes I'm going to miss chicken dinner. That's what I did. That's what I've always done. That's what I'm going to continue to do. Sometimes I'm going to miss chicken dinner. That's a great example. It's fucking insane. I always use myself as the example.

But yeah, especially when it's like an important job. It's like, I mean, hats off to any woman or man that does this. But like, when you marry someone who's, you know, a CIA agent or some shit. I guess maybe you don't even know when it's a CIA agent, but like an open FBI agent or a policeman or even a fireman and all that shit. It's like, more power to you. I don't know.

That's going to be tough. It's going to suck. I love how you just hit that. I love the tonal voice change when someone slips in a, like, shout out to every woman or man. Yeah. Shout out to every guy or or man. Yeah. Shout out to every, shout out to every guy,

or girl. It could happen. It could happen. It's always like, well, I forgot about this one. So annoying. So fucking annoying.

You know what I really mean? I just wanted to say, I don't know. I don't know. Uh, all right, one more I'm out of the asshole, because this one,

this one jumped out at me and i also you're not that that's pretty clear you're not oh right you're working all right i love this one and i and twitter did not i am totally on the guy's side here i will say that going into it and i will tell you that twitter was not am i the asshole for telling my son to grow up and i'm not telling 90 on this guy's side am i the asshole for telling my son to grow up and i'm not telling 90 on this guy's side am i the asshole for telling my son to grow up and accept the consequences of his choice to snitch on his friends all i know is what my son told me so i might not have all the details here but here we go my son is a senior in his senior year of high school but he had a take-home final for his

calculus class the teacher said that they couldn't work together but they could all use their notes a few of his friends in a group decided to work together on the final anyway. My son, without consenting me or his mom, anonymously sent screenshots of the group chat to the teacher. I have no idea what's going to happen in terms of the discipline,

but they were obviously incredibly angry when the teacher told them that they were caught. So they're using the group chat to ask who snitched and that whoever snitched needs to say that they did. It was only last night that my son confessed what was going on to me and my wife. He was very upset because someone in the group chat accused him of being the snitch and he denied it. I asked him why he even snitched in the first place. I absolutely wouldn't have done that and I wouldn't have told him to do that.

And he said that he didn't think it was fair if people worked together when the teacher said not to, but he didn't think it would be this big of a deal. I told him that he needs to confess what he's done and to be honest with his friends. My son was crying and said that they didn't and said that they wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore if he came clean. I told him that he was probably right, but that he should have seen that coming before he chose to snitch on them. I honestly don't know how he didn't see this whole thing coming. And I told him that I also told him that he should have told his friends directly that it was not cool to cheat and that he acted like a coward in anonymously snitching and that I was disappointed

in him he just cried and went to his room my wife was very upset with me and said that I was just making him feel worse and that I acted like a dick I hate to say this but I believe my son acted like a dick I certainly wouldn't want to be his friend if I found out he snitched on me for something that stupid and then lied about not snitching I don't know if he comes clean

or not, but I think it just provided him with good, solid advice and I don't think I was an asshole. It says, edit, I've been banned, but the whole bottom line is I realized I was wrong for how I spoke to my son, but I still believe that he handled the situation incorrectly. I'll apologize today. And yes, I did cheat sometimes in high school, and no, I don't

regret it at all. I don't think what I do... I'll tell you the things I do agree with and no, I don't regret it at all. I don't think what I do. What I'll tell you the things I do agree with and things I don't agree with. I think his son's an asshole for snitching. I think I agree with 100%. The only thing I don't think is I don't think I would tell him to like confess or be a coward. I don't know. I'd probably like take.

I don't know. You fucked up big time. Just take that one to the grave. So you don't like. Okay, that's, you know, so that I don't know about. And there was like one other part where it was just like oh when he was like you should have told them up front i don't think it's cool if you cheat and that's like no he doesn't just you don't say anything but but you know you don't say anything but like you want to cheat that's it that

that's up for the teacher to catch but if and like if you're if you really were having this moral crisis here then i guess in in the group text, be like, guys, stop cheating. But, like, you don't fucking snitch on them. Right. And I would – It's an open book test. Right. You can't cheat on a book where you can look up the answers.

Right. Well, that's also why I would kind of, like, make the argument that they weren't even cheating to begin with. You mind your own business. You take your own tests. I would say, hey, son, how come you didn didn't get into that cheating ring and get the fucking good grade too. Uh, but this guy,

so, so he went in and, and, and, and, uh, answered other questions in like the, the,

the thread and people kept getting more and more like angry. And I just kept thinking he got like more and more right. Um, someone was like, uh, like this could result in violence. And he was like, they're all suburban white boys. Like no one's going gonna get beat up over this math test what a truly ridiculous comment

um from his telling of the story he didn't even directly tell his friends that they shouldn't cheat but he went behind their backs and anonymously told the teacher i think that's very cowardly uh and then and then i think this is the one i saw that i liked my son chose a meaningless test over his friends and is now lying to his friends about being about not being responsible i think lying is wrong but should i text the entire group chat that my son was the My son chose a meaningless test over his friends and is now lying to his friends about being about not being responsible. I think lying is wrong. But should I text the entire group chat that my son was the one who snitched? I think that's a great point.

You blew up your entire friends group for a stupid fucking test. For literally nothing. For a test that you'll never think about ever again. Cheat your fucking balls off. Face off. Do everything you can to make your life easier and if that's cheating on a test which you're allowed to be cheating right it's already like we're allowing like 90 cheating they went the other 10 i guess you could make the argument like hey guys you really shouldn't take advantage

of it like don't make don't fuck a good thing but also just shut the fuck up this test is meaningless and i think the bigger life lesson here is what he keeps saying like i don't know how he didn't see this coming it's like you need to take you need to take stock of how like the world works like you start doing this shit when you're in at work and you're fucking with people's money like you will get beat up you will like there will be bad consequences if you can't understand that you're like your priorities are really fucked if you think that this one calculus test is more important than your entire social life. I mean, that kid's a pariah.

That's it. He's done. I don't even think it's like – I don't even think you're an asshole if you do this to strangers in class. Right, right. Mind your own fucking business. Absolutely. You don't want to take the easy way out? Good for you.

I'm glad you studied your balls off. I'm glad you – You're a hero. You brushed up on chapters every night after i'm glad you're a hero you you you brushed up on chapters every night after our lesson you're a calculus hero so i need to fucking look at this little thing on my ti89 in which i put all the answers in right so you shut your fucking mouth i'll handle my business over here absolutely and now like you're gonna cry about having no friends and it was like your fucking fault now what i think i don't agree

with like there's probably a little more bedside manner here a little bit more of a nice fatherly way to do it but i don't know maybe this guy's an old school cat who's just like you're a fucking snitch you're a dick and next time be better i would probably be a little more like all fair things to say yeah yeah uh by the way speaking of like situations like this with your son and kids um i am i am entering adam desiato the son in your honor the brian cranston show into the like bad tv kid hall of fame really he's awful he's awful we'll give it a couple more episodes everybody catch up with your honor only three three yeah so i think like we'll give it a couple more so there's like more to talk about but um there's

some interesting like moral discussions and dilemmas about that but this kid they're trying to like hide a hit and run and he's like going back to the scene of the crime he's showing up at court it's like adam yeah get the fuck in the basement like shut the fuck up hate him hate him all right uh so that's emma the asshole we're gonna do also do a little top top top fives for you today because we're jamming two episodes into one here. Top five today in honor of the Barstool Fund and small businesses everywhere. We're going to give everybody our top five bars, restaurants, places that we love of all time. The Barstool Fund is probably, I believe, our biggest charitable endeavor ever to try to do basically what the United States government has not done. Yes, it is definitively our most ambitious. Right.

And it's already kind of delivering more than I thought. Like, I mean, Dave did his video and he was like, we're going to save multiple restaurants for multiple months. And I got nervous, but like we made like several hundred thousand dollars overnight. And I think as this thing grows and goes viral, we'll get more and more donations.

And more importantly hopefully like I don't know the government is like taking note maybe it'll kick them in the ass the $600 stimulus checks is that official I don't know I saw a lot of chatter about that there are two things I saw chatter on one $600 stimulus which is just

a slap in the goddamn face I mean I would like that money on fire absolutely in front of Congress I would just go be like what the fuck do you want me to do with this? And two, that today, December 21st is when all the black people got their superpowers. Excuse me? My favorite black Twitter thing ever.

This chick, I think she's just a random Twitter user. She just went viral because in a thread arguing, she said on 12-21 at the stroke of midnight, we get our superpowers. Everybody with like melanin in their skin is going to realize and actualize their final form.

And so Black Twitter was just having a field day with becoming superheroes overnight. And I was texting with our boy Kaz and I was like, yo, you know, when you're in the Avengers, like, don't forget about me. Like, you know, and he was like, he goes, know, when you're in the Avengers, like, don't forget about me. Like, you know, and he was like, he goes, I'll beat you up last

during the race war. Don't worry. But like, Jesus was talking, like, they were playing clips. There's some movie where like,

The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson are in it. Do you know this movie? I don't think so. And they were, they were like, there's a scene where they both jump off

of a fucking building. the other guys. Right. So it was built up like they were going to be like stars of it, and then they die in the first scene or whatever. But they were like all those black people on 1221. They jump off, and they just splat on the ground.

Like all this funny shit. Aim for the bushes? Yep. So that was one of my favorite. I mean, I wish. I got to go listen to Kaz or Jesus Am some of the people who could really dig into it because we can't say shit about it, but it was fucking funny.

Some of the times they were thrown around. Something wild. As you were explaining it, at the stroke of midnight I was like, oh, a Beyonce album drops. Honestly, there's a black person with superpowers as far as I'm fucking concerned. It's coming.

Okay, but Barstool Fund is raising money and saving lives, literally saving careers. We started with Borelli's, and hopefully we're going to do a lot more. So in honor of that, we're going to talk about all the places we'd love to save and the places that are near and dear to our heart. It's brought to you by P-Touch Pro. The P-Touch Pro label maker enables you to organize like a pro, creating labels that help identify your electrical and telecom wires

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You start labeling like a motherfucker. One of the most janky fucking pathetic things I have in my apartment, on my kids' dressers, I just cut up little squares of paper and I wrote, like, Shea pajamas, Keegan shorts, whatever. And I stuck them on. I just taped cut up little squares of paper and I wrote like Shea pajamas, Keegan shorts whatever and I like stuck them on I just like taped them on and it just looks like trash and also my cleaning lady like

just doesn't speak English or read English so she just fucking throws everything everywhere but I would feel a lot better they look terrible they also provide zero as a matter of fact whatever value zero fucking uh uh there is another word though uh um i'm gonna get it zero um nope not gonna get it fuck getting dumber uh and as a matter of fact it hurts because i'm

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Okay, well, one is Irish pubs, obviously. The Irish pub. I honestly might just do all five, maybe the Irish pub. Yeah, that's fine. There are other bars that I go to. Yeah, you know what? I'm doing it. All five, Irish pubs.

I could have a good time in another bar, but if we don't done my favorite bars? It's like anything, dude. It's like, you know, you want like a good deli? You go to the Italian. You go to the Italian deli, right? Or even the Jewish deli. You want like soul food or some shit?

Like you go to the family-owned soul food, black family in the neighborhood. You want a good Irish? You want a good drinking experience? You go to the family owned soul food black family in the neighborhood you want a good Irish you want a good drinking experience you go to the Irish the Irish we know what we're doing yeah we're gonna have a fucking fireplace and we're gonna have fucking wood chips all over the floor and we're gonna get drunk in this tinderbox absolutely that's

my number one pick is Rathbones which to me is like I need the sawdust on the floor I don't know why but I fucking do I need there to be a good burger I need there to be whiskey and beer and and and that's it everything's wooden in that bar everything's wood there's no metal there's nothing shiny wood wood chips on the floor wood chairs wood bar it's soaked with beer it's warped with it's always yeah the girl's been hanging out on it um the it's always just a little bit darker and it's like like inside always feels a completely different environment than outside

which obviously it is but like you can go in it can be a beautiful sunny august day and then you go you go in there and you're transported to south it's just like absolutely it is just it's again it's winter as soon as you get all your senses the lights go dark and you can't see anything the music is like probably terrible, like heavy. You're hearing different. You smell different. Everything touches, everything's different. And everything tastes different.

You go to like a McSorley's, you want light ale or dark ale? That's it. You get mustard that sets your fucking throat on fire. It's like everything's heightened. Everything is just like a true experience, a true drinking experience, which actually going out of order here, but I'm going to throw McSorley's is my number two. Okay. So McSorley's, I mean, it's the oldest bar in New York City, I believe.

Okay. So my number one, by the way, we'll go O'Brien's. Which is where? That's Newport. Newport. That's like the bar I've always gone to. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That's like the bar I've... I haven't had my first beer, but like – Well, so – It's probably one of the first bars I got drunk in. That's the thing. That's what McSorley's is for me. McSorley's was the first bar where like my buddies – my buddy had one of those cousins who's like an uncle. You know when the ages get all weird? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he's like a cousin who's way older, and he took us to McSorley's. And that's almost a little bit of like a soup Nazi experience. Where it's like, what craft beer do you have? It's like, shut the fuck up. You get old. You get dark. You get, have you been there? No, never. Okay.

I think you got me a book. Or no, someone got us. You talked about it on the podcast ages ago. And someone sent us the book. Yeah, I don't know. I hope it hasn't like jumped the shark a little bit. I think it became a little bit of like a touristy spot. They give you, you order a beer, you get light or dark.

It comes in two mugs. Two smaller mugs. I don't know why they do that. Seems like a lot more dishes. But it's like two 8-ounce mugs instead of a 16-ounce pint glass. These guys can do that Oktoberfest shit where they're carrying 700 fucking mugs of beer.

The big appetizer is saltine crackers with cheese raw onions and the mcsorley's ale mustard which is like again clears your sinuses but i mean it is but it's like the raw onion and mustard and you're slapping it together and eating it with the beer it's just and i think it's like at this point, probably like 300 years old. They've got the bones of World War One veterans behind the bar. It's like it's got some fucking character to the bones of a fucking vet. It's a place and a half.

And I feel like I mean, I don't know what sort of condition they're in. I know Rathbones is in trouble right now. I don't know about a place like McSorley's, but like I went recently. Still open. Yeah, it's still open. They're still it seems like they're in. I know Wrathbones is in trouble right now. I don't know about a place like McSorley's, but like... I went recently. Still open? Yeah, it's still open. It seems like they're doing well. Everyone in there looks like they've killed someone, though. Yeah, it's an intimidating place. I can't remember the name of the guy. Are they still

wearing those gray uniforms? They're like smocks, almost, right? It's almost like a barber's jacket. It looks like a butcher's. Yeah, butcher, yeah. Which is, I think, because they're spilling and they got to wipe the blood off the people they kill in the back and all that shit.

The guineas they kill back with a butcher's knife. But it was, I remember being like nervous where they're like, they talk fast and like, you want light or dark? You want this?

And I was kind of like, but light? I don't know what to do. And like, you learn quick and then you can almost spot the other rookies where it's like, this is this guy's first time

and this guy's first time. So like, God willing, bars like that stay open. Two, Factory 380. That's your spot now. Dope spot. You've probably been to that bar more than, like, some bars that you've gone to for, like, 10 years of your life. I mean, like, there was a stretch where I was going every single night.

Yeah. Especially when you live there. That stretch was two years long. And now you're on, like, the other side of town, but you still go there. Yeah. So you go out of your way before you go home. It's you live there. That stretch was two years long. And now you're on the other side of town, but you still go there. Yeah. So you go out of your way before you go home. It's a great spot. It's a little darker.

It is a little nicer than your standard Irish pub. They have felt on their chairs there. Woo-hoo. High society. But it isn't as divey as I typically like, but they more than make up for it with the service. It is the owners, the bartenders are all, literally, they're all my best friends. And that kind of, I feel like, falls into your, like, it's your after work bar.

Like, the one that you fall into that you know after work every day, literally almost every day. But certainly when you're, like, you're going for drinks or a happy hour or you had a long day at work. Everybody has their, like, meet me at the spot. You don't even have to say it. Like meet at the bar. Factory has gotten me through many a day. Yes, exactly. Just do one thing and then we get to factory.

That is your like, you know, that's your everyday, you know, there's like your bars that you love that you go to. Like, okay, so I'm going to go with, I'll go with Parker House down in the Jersey Shore. So that's like my summer bar where, you know, I get so excited for it for the summer. Factory 380 is, like, this is my everyday bar. This is, like, I'm a 300 hitter.

I'm just, like, singles every day versus, like, Parker House to me is, like, the slugger. The summer bar that you, like, every weekend you're going to go to in the summer, you get your share house to, like, live. You, like, decide where you're going to live, in in relation to that bar you know what i mean like oh it's only like four minutes away uh but parker house is this gigantic like victorian mansion oh i've been that uh i ate so much there yeah that's the other thing they have these sliders and a lobster bake and shit um for a while i don't think anymore but they used to do dollar important beer in my head right yeah i believe so yeah uh they do they they did dollar nips for a while which is always a fun little like switch up the little fat miller light like you know the little fatso's yeah um and they and they give it to you

they give it to you like in the in the six-pack like case you know uh and then they have like the boom boom room where they're playing like techno music and then downstairs is what i dubbed or no i didn't dub it but i popularized the term uh god's basement where they have like the the uh pat roddy's cover band and all like the local like jersey shore legend type shit there's a guy there call it i think they call him the silver fox he's been a bartender there for like 60 years because those spots being a bartender at those summer spots is like yeah that's like you get you it's like a um season tickets waiting list sort of thing like you get on a list and if your name gets drawn, you take that job. You leave your job in Manhattan to go be a fucking bartender because you make bank.

It's like a cash-only spot, but I think there's one dude. Maybe the guy is named so far because there's one guy that they allow to use a credit card at Parker House. He's such a fucking OG that they're like, you can use a credit card. There's only one person in the world. The whole rest of the thing is cash only. Which is another, that's a good mark of a bar. They're doing some under the table shit. They're doing some fugazi stuff.

And usually the summer bars are like that, cash only. And it's a bitch and it's annoying, but you do it because you love it. Another one is the old fashioned till to register. Oh, like the big buttons and stuff yeah

if you got that you're a great bar it's got the wheel like the numbers come up with the wheels yeah yeah yeah um you're up

me uh okay I will go number three um I would put Beacon Hill Pub here but that's already closed down

um so not really gonna get much saving there um I'll go Spring Lounge. Fucking love Spring Lounge. Where's that? Spring Street, here.

Oh, okay. It's a really, really, really great bar. It's like a... It's kind of like the... It's what Applebee's wants to be. Now, let me explain that. Applebee's always just puts so many knickknacks on the wall but it's curing yeah yeah and like you're in spring lounge you're like where the fuck did that it's perfect

but where the fuck did that come from right and it's got character it's got a meaning behind it yeah a lot of the tables are uh fucking whatchamacallit oak barrels and things like that yep it is it's a very cool bar. It's a bar where cool people go to drink. Oh, is it? There was one time I was there. I think it was a snow day. I couldn't even tell you when. I was drinking there for

hours, and then I looked to my right, and it was like, oh, a gentleman in Amidala just sitting here. Really? It was in some hand. I was like, how long have you been here? I was like, I don't know. How long have you been here? I don't fucking know, man. Dude. I was like, how long have you been here? I was like, I don't know how long you've been here. I don't fucking know, man. There's no one outside. Dude, as you said, you're talking about these places, some of them are already closing,

and the spot you're describing, I just Googled it. There's this speakeasy in the village. You probably didn't even get a chance to go. Did you ever go to Chumley's? No. Oh, fuck. Should have taken you there. It's in the West Village.

It's like a true like speakeasy like it's behind the first thing you open up is you know there's nothing there and then you gotta go downstairs I think I only went like once with a guy I got my buddy Kev who's like a New York fireman he's got a guy for everything he's got one of those cousins

who's older and weird shit and he took us to Chumley's but apparently over July in the in the pandemic they closed down but so like hemingway f scott fitzgerald steinbeck jd salinger all those guys drank there really like opened in 1922 uh west village bar and restaurant that was like a true speakeasy during prohibition so it was like a big time haunt for like the best of america's fucking drunks you know fuck that sucks man yeah it uh it just it just said 86 like that was a door that said 86 on it and that was like you know the only

thing that you knew um so that's that sucks um my next pick i I'm going to go with the Pickle Barrel in Killington. Yes. I knew I recognized that name. I think like so Parker House is like my summer bar. Pickle Barrel was my ski house winter bar. Pickle Barrel. I've only gone a couple times because first of all,, you get a house for one weekend in the winter. You do MLK weekend or whatever.

The summer, you go for 15 weeks. But I only did one weekend. So it would only be a once or twice a year event. But man, I had so much fun there. I don't know why. I don't think anyone's ever had a bad time. The cover band was always great. I think everyone is.

Everyone's in like sweatpants and sweatshirts because they're coming off the mound that's the best I remember my buddy my buddy Vinny we were like

and this was the point where we would still go to bars we would dance we'd get in big circles and dance and do stupid shit my buddy Vinny

was kind of like I think we were being particularly like sloppy and messy spilling beers making out and he was like there's like no rules here

and he just took his pants off he put his pants around his knees he had boxers on but he was just dancing with his pants down and like nobody stopped us because everyone's just here for the weekend getting shit-faced and skiing so like that winter time post ski apres ski type of bar pickle barrels pickle barrel might be the pick of the draft i mean that is my favorite it it i remember saying like parker house because you know summertime and all that, but just for that, it's about a thousand.

I've never been there and had a bad time. Parker house has kind of gotten overrun. It's become like too much. I don't, I haven't been to pickle barrel forever, but I've never had a bad, we had a blackout tour there once. Yeah.

That's good. Jump off the fucking balcony onto us. I feel like, did I, did I, did I go to that? I think I had visions of like, I'm going to go to the one.

And I don't think you did. Is that Killington? Yeah. Or so. Yeah. The best fuck man. I think I had visions of like, I'm going to go to the one. I don't think you did. Is that Killington? Yeah. Or Stowe? Killington. That was the best. Fuck, man. Now I feel like I have pressure because that one's a fucking great one.

What are we at? Four each right now? Is this your last pick? No, this is my fourth. I went one. You went one, too. Yeah, I stole. Yeah.

I guess I was going to go Earin. It's another bar that is like, it's basically Spring Island. It's on Spring Street. It's just another one of the same bars. And while we're at it, I'll do my number five. It's Molly's. Just the regular spots. It's just Irish bars in Manhattan is really my answer.

My last pick, I will go. Actually, I also don't know if Earin is an Irish bar. I believe it is. It definitely looks it but it's the same thing as Spring Lounge in the sense it's just like, there's knick-knacks everywhere it's all it all looks random, and it all is random

but somehow it all works so well it's kind of like this shit remember that guy's hat he hiked and he went to the top of the mountain to get service for us random shit like that I gotta go it's not exactly small family business it was family business but i'm gonna go boardy barn i don't know i don't know how boardy barn

fared during the summer pandemic probably not great because it's got to be you know close quarters and sloppy times together this is it boardy barn invented covid that's that uh mckenzie uh she tweeted that. The classic meme running around right now. She was like, I've like I like made out with a guy in the in the port-a-potty at Bordy Barn. Don't I'm not worried about what's in the vaccine. I've had sex at the port-a-potty in Preakness. I'm good. Did you make a squirt?

She was probably pissing. That is gross. Oh, yeah. I mean, port-a-potty is like, you know, hold your breath in and out. This is when people run across the top. Imagine that. Go to the earthquake. I had sex in a war zone.

In the bathroom at a war zone. How long did it last? I mean, like five, ten minutes. That's what I mean, though. Being in a previous port-a-potty ten minutes is like – I usually am like – Get into the air, piss, and get out. You got to be doing heavy breathing. You're taking in.

Yeah, you've got – you started COVID. Holy shit. Zach said the pre-kid. That's a great bucket list check that you got. That's a nice notch on the belt. But, yeah, Bordy Bar, and I can't imagine, like, another summer of no Sundays and no you know no nothing um but man there's just like there's a zillion fucking restaurants and bars on the list

that just can't keep can't do this for much longer like a lot of people have planned i mean i they always said there was a second wave coming and people always did say well when indoor dining stops uh or when outdoor dining is not a possibility because of the winter like what are you gonna do so like you know we kind of we should have known this was coming. But now that it's here, it's particularly like, what the fuck, man? So donate to the Barstool Fund if you are a bar that wants help. I think it's Barstool Fund at BarstoolSports.com. Can you double check that?

I don't know. It's probably not the Barstool Fund, but I'll get we'll confirm that in a second. You have to have kept your payroll open all this time. And if you meet the standards and qualifications, I think you've got to tell us your backstory. Because unfortunately, there is some level of like, these guys deserve it more than these guys, which sucks. But you can't help absolutely everybody. So you've got to make your case. And Dave and Barstool will do their best to, you know, keep your doors open.

And like I said, like the Barstool fund is very ambitious. I hope we can keep up with it, but I hope more importantly that it like, you know, if Barstool can create some sort of bailout fund, I think the fucking United States government maybe can. So maybe there'll be some more help along the way.

Stunning. Maybe the cavalry is coming. $600 is fucking. Spit. When you know that, like, they've just like print money in other times. It's stunning. Maybe the cavalry's coming. $600 is fucking insanity. $600. Spit. When you know that, like, they just, like, print money in other times. It's like, oh,

there's another trillion dollars because of the war. It's like, just fucking do that one time, you know? So, Barstool Fund. Is that the email, Nick? Yeah. Barstool Fund

at BarstoolSports.com. You can go to BarstoolSports.com slash fund. And that's where, if you want to donate, do that. And that's where, you know, because that's really what it's going to take is kind of crowdsourcing this whole thing.

So I'm sure you've got your top five bars and you don't want closing. We all do. So donate and contribute. And let's do our voicemails now. They're brought to you today by HelloFresh. Yay, yay. I am cooking up tonight. They should do something called HelloFights.

Hashtag HelloFights. Do you want to know what I mean for dinner? What you cooking, baby boy? What you cooking, baby boy? It is. What you got, Bobby Flay? I cannot wait to know what he does. What you got, Guy Fieri?

What do you got, Fieri? Where is it, my menu? What you cooking? I'm going to guess some sort of taco. No. I'm going to guess some sort of pork chop. No. I'm going to guess some sort of slider.

I'm going to guess some sort of chicken. I'm going to guess some sort of salad. You are'm gonna get i'm gonna get some sort of slider i'm gonna get some sort of chicken i'm gonna get some sort of salad some sort of pasta they do all of these things hello fresh as the biggest menu i've ever fucking seen i am doing hibachi sweet soy steak and shrimp yeah you know what i'm doing now because i stupidly don't have hello fresh i'm gonna have to order that like a chump dude because there's no way i'm not eating hibachi tonight after hearing that with garlic rice sesame roast sesame roast and zucchini, and spicy special sauce. Yeah, that's like when you go to hibachi and you get all the vegetables. You get the steak. You get the shrimp.

You get everything. You're going to do that yourself. I mean, I got, damn, I'm so jacked up to cook this. It's not even funny. Surf and turf meets hibachi-style cooking for this twist on a steakhouse classic. Bavette steaks are seared for a satisfying crust, then sliced and piled over garlic rice along with spiced shrimp and sesame rose and zucchini. Feel it.

Saucy? Don't worry. This dish has got not one, but two sauces. A warm, sweet soy glaze is drizzled over the steak, while on the side, a creamy, spicy yum-yum sauce is perfect for dipping each bite. Who needs a restaurant menu when you've got all that? Great fucking question, HelloFresh. That sounds delicious, and that's what I'm eating for dinner tonight.

And it cost me about $8 per serving, I believe. Two servings. I mean, I just, I got close. You got me there. I was close. Holy moly. That's, you know, some of these meals and these services are like grilled chicken and rice over leaves.

Come on. That was like a real restaurant experience that you're getting at home. And I want to say this, too. I've become a big cooker through all the HelloFresh thing. I think it is the best thing I do for my mental health. Cooking. There's an accomplishment to it, I feel. It's just the instructions are easy to follow.

And also because you're doing things for 20 to 30 minutes. And I just don't look at my phone for 20 to 30 minutes. Right. That's great. Take a break. Because there's so many times where you're like, oh, I need a little break. I need a little break. And you don't actually take it.

No. You say that and then you grab it one minute later. But you've got your hands. You're rattling those pots and pans. You're putting sprinkles of this in, cutting that open, flipping this and that 20 minute break from the world. Cook up a meal. You don't spend money on delivery or delivery fees.

You get, you feel a sense of accomplishment. You learn, you get better at cooking. You don't have to know what you're doing because everything's pre-portioned and pre-planned, but, uh, but you do get better at it. Uh, it's convenient. It's flexible. You have a huge menu. You can get two meals, four meals, no matter what size you or your family are.

You can skip a week whenever you want. You can add days. You can add extra meals. You can add additional proteins. Hey, I want more meat. Hey, I want more veggies. They have quick meals like breakfast, lunch, dinner. It's completely customizable on your end.

And right now, when you go to HelloFresh.com slash 80KFC, that's 80KFC, you get $80 off, including free shipping. $80 off when you order at HelloFresh.com slash 80KFC. Get $80 off, including free shipping. Is it 80KFC? 80KFC. 80KFC. Have mercy. Let's do KFC? 80 KFC. 8-0 KFC. God have mercy.

Let's do it. Last voicemails of the year. Hey, guys. I'll keep this shirt and suite unlike most of your voicemails. After I was done blowing my man the other day, the first thing he said was my quads hurt because he had run earlier in the day and I thought Jesus Christ

what a stupid fucking thing to say so I was just wondering what is the stupidest thing you could think to possibly say after someone's blown you. Love you guys I mean my quads hurt is not great but it's also like

what did Marty say that one time Marty was getting blown that one time and he said what do you think of my neck beard right I don't recall that you said something you do remember that right he had a neck beard at the time he was self conscious about her like looking up at it and he said like

so what do you think of my neck beard I think his cum was in her mouth and it was like what do you think of my beard that wasn't good that was not great that is also the answer yeah yeah yeah um i i i mean you know it's a weird thing like i think there's been jokes about this on like uh on tv and movies and shit um it's not the right thing to say. I'm sorry if I'm turning down your volume, John. You are. Okay, I'll just leave it.

I feel like sometimes thank you is an appropriate thing to say. It's not. It's not hot. It's not sexy. You shouldn't. But when someone goes to work on you, and nowadays, like we described,

with the way the world has gone with porn and sex, when a girl gives you a really good head, it's like, oh, my God. You degraded yourself. You should go to church. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I want to be like, thank you so much for doing that to yourself. So I think you should say thank you, but know it's i know it's not right um uh i don't know i think this is why so many times guys will be like that's the best i've ever had

because they're just like i gotta like say something complimentary and and i think in the moment it's like when you're getting head you're like this is if you as long as it's pretty good you're like this is awesome yeah so you are feeling like this is the best time it's recency bias but uh i don't know if there's anything to say. I don't know. I don't know. What did he say? He said my quads hurt?

Yeah. I mean, I don't... What does that mean? He said he had gone... No, no. He had gone for a run earlier. He was just... He was just making conversation.

Because I'll tell you what. I have had my quads hurt afterwards. After getting head? Yeah. Why? Because you don't... You're locked up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. what i have had my quads hurt afterwards after getting head yeah why because you know like you're kind of like you're locked up like your legs oh yeah yeah yeah yeah that was i think we do a lot of times where we're like oh that's when you first felt old i think i think the worst i've ever felt

about myself in my future is probably um like the first time because it happened a lot of times probably the first time I stopped jerking off because I was just like my legs are too sore and I'm sweating too much when did this happen?

I can tell you where it was it was on my couch no that's okay just when I don't know when it was within the last four years because It was on my couch. No, that's okay. Just when. I don't know when. It was within the last four years because I was on my couch in my old apartment. Wow. And I was just like, this is... Wow.

I was like, this is... Just not going to... Abort mission, baby. This one, I guess if I believed in blue balls, I gave myself blue balls, but I was like, my quads were too tense. And it was like the fucking... It was like the last minute of a hockey game. We had a goalie pull. And it was like the fucking last minute of a hockey game. We had a

goalie pull and I was like, you gotta dig deep, baby! Come on! Get there! This is what we do all the conditioning for! Get your eyes closed! This is why we do those suicides! This is why we do Hermes! Come on! I lost. Tapped out. The buzzer sounded.

You know, you didn't score that final goal. You lose. Man, that's bad. Too tired and broken to jerk off. But then, like, you've never had it either? Like, God, I'm saying a lot of things today. I mean, I've definitely tapped out on myself before. You've never been, like, on a Tuesday?

I'm like, why am I so sore? From your arm? And you're like, oh, I was hung over on sunday so i beat it like six times i've never i can pretty much confidently say i've never been i have been i have had my arms sore from giving never to myself definitely yeah without a doubt dude i'm getting old like so like i mean sex is is a production and Dude, I'm getting old. I mean, sex is a production. And afterwards, I'm creaking and cracking. I'll be in bed. I finish up, and I'm doing one of these.

I'm stretching the Charlie horse out. These are big, demonstrative moves. I'm like... I'm not trying to be subtle about it. No, I'm just like, I gotta... It always kind of gets a smirk or a laugh. Oh, you're old, old, huh? I'm like, yeah be subtle about it. No, I'm just like, I got to, you know, and it always kind of gets like a smirk or a laugh. Oh, you're old, old, huh? I'm like, yeah, yeah, bitch.

Before sex, you can catch me in the outfield like a fat first baseman. Just like with this hand. I can't do it. I'm going to do it over here. Doing the skip thingy. Doing the leg over the side where you lay on your back. You throw one leg over the side. Your arms and legs are sprawled out. Dude, I stand the outfield i'm like bartolo get my arms up and out

i'm just i'm just trying to get loose just trying to stretch it out baby just get the whole i need you know like you know when they say you know you got to take your warm-up seriously you get your heart rate up get a baseline like that's i gotta i gotta warm i i will tell you, you know, the oldest I feel is like I am like. I am like a 1992 Toyota Camry with 250,000 miles on it that will get you there. We'll get to point B, but we got a while to get humming. You know, like I'm like in the karate kid in the beginning, the movie where they're pushing the car, and then she's like, pop it! And he pops the clutch, and then they hop in and go. Gone are the days, bro.

Anybody who ever tries to have sex with me again. Gone are the days of spontaneous push me up against the wall and my dick's right away hard. We're going to fuck. I'm like, okay. We can now go to the bedroom where we will have to do heavy foreplay for a little while before this gets going. Spontaneous sex is gone. Gone. The only time spontaneous is when my dick decides.

It's like, hey, let's not waste this one, huh? Yes. Oh, you know what happened to me? I literally used this word. You horny? No. Better get it. I used this phrase verbatim the other day.

I had ordered food. It was on the way. It was about to go down though and i'm like looking at the the delivery and i'm like can i kind of fix you know fit it in before the delivery comes alas i could not so i gotta like do the waistband tuck flip it up into my into my waistband i go downstairs i get the food so you were mid coitus i was mid like foreplay okay okay and i was getting there and i ran downstairs get the food run back up and now i've got like a three quarters you know but i'm trending the wrong way and we like try to re-spark it and it didn't work and i said flat out i said I'm like

a veteran relief pitcher. You can't get me up and down like that. I said that straight up. I was like, you know, you wore me up in the sixth and you should have waited until the eighth. And you can't be like Joe Girardi. You can't just be getting me up and down like that. And it got a good laugh, but I was like

but it's true. So if I've got it, we've got to use it, and if I lose it, it's going to take a while to get it back. Fuck, getting old sucks. I like the comparison to the car because, like you said, it takes a while to go, and also when you show up somewhere, your friends will go, that's what you're driving, huh? It's actually better than you think. I know it doesn't look like much, but it's actually the most good car. But, you know, it's mine.

It fits me. It's great for me. God damn it. So, anyway, I don't know. What am I saying after a blowjob? I'm saying, ow, fuck. This hurts. I'm saying all the wrong things.

Yeah, all of them. I'm saying something that makes you never want to do it again. But also just know that that is like the moment where, you know, we, it's, it's cliche. Like our brains are broken in that moment.

We can't be held responsible for what we said. Agreed. Hey, what's up KFC fight tonight? Whoever else is producing this. So I've been dating a girl for a year and a half. But the past couple months, she's definitely been going downhill. Because she's, like, long distance and doesn't have any plans of changing that.

And politics. So basically, I plan on breaking up with her eventually. and politics. So, um, basically, I plan on breaking up with her eventually, but I'm not sure how long that would take because we kind of got our lives intertwined by now, and I'm not sure how easy it is

to, like, separate that. But my buddy just told me about a New Year's Eve party that's going to have a lot of very fine women. And my thought process is, why prolong the inevitable? What is he saying? He goes on to say, like, he could go get laid at the party. Yeah, so he's not wrong when

you're saying prolong the inevitable if you know it's a rap you probably should call it what is what was the politics yeah he never brought that back up i think that probably means that you know we've heard stories of this over like the past four years so you know that like hey we thought it was going to work she ended up being way more liberal than i am conservative so i know it's not going to work um i do believe you should like not prolong it too much i think that there's an appropriate time like uh i think one went viral earlier this year like someone was about to like give their dissertation at like graduate school and someone dumped them like that day it's like you know you can plan around some you know hey if her mom's funeral is this week maybe wait you know

but I think yeah if you know but also I think all those things are like there's always going to be something else so that's the other point is that like so I think you should just do it don't think you should do it this is like some like American pie shit like bro it's going to be the party

of the century we're all going to get laid. Like, bro, it's going to be the party of the century. We're all going to get laid on New Year's. There's going to be other times to get laid, bro. If you're going to break off this year and a half relationship and break this girl's heart and try to wrap it up in the next nine days or whatever because there's going to be a party with chicks. Come on, bro. Mighty fine women. Yeah, mighty fine. This place is going to be crawling

with pussy, bro. If you really want to get laid, you can go get laid on a fucking Tuesday afternoon. Let me tell you something right now, friend. That party's going to fucking suck. That party is going to be the biggest letdown of your life since

always is. The letdown you're about to give this girl it's never good it's cliche to be anti-new years but I am definitively anti the best new years can be is like it was good it wasn't too much

I like house parties I guess maybe that's what this is this year I've never had a good time at a bar on new years is this like house party going to turn into this, like, fuckfest? Is it like the Showtime Lakers? Like, at the stroke of midnight, everyone's paired off fucking somewhere? I feel like it'll be a party. It'll be all right.

But it ain't going to be what you think it's going to be. And it ain't worth rushing a fucking breakup over it, all right? So, relax. Last voicemail of 2020 is brought to you by nizza new year's is coming up big time night of uh partying and drinking and people going to houses and it's gonna be late night because you got to stay to watch the ball drop it's not an early thing you're gonna be drinking all night long do not do not drunk drive do not drive drunk it's the biggest asshole move in the world not only are you putting yourself in danger you're putting other people in danger not only are you risking

everybody's lives but you get pulled over you go to jail you got to pay lawyer fees like the best case scenario is all that the worst case scenario is death. You are the biggest, most selfish asshole in the world. If you can't just call an Uber, call a Lyft. It's funny. I guess you're supposed to say order, right? I say, yeah, that's true. I say, I say, get, call a cab, get an Uber. Yeah. Call a cab, get an Uber, order a Lyft. Uh, there's a million ways to get to him from just crash there for the night. If you're like our last guy and you're at a party with mighty fine women, just find one of them hook up with them and stay the night i've never understood the whole like like drunk driving like as a people made mistakes in high school and things like that i

get it but as like an adult as an adult it's crazy it's like like it's the biggest risk in the world it makes no like no i can still drive like yeah why if you have to even consider that you can't that that macho shit goes out the fucking window oh you want me to sleep i i sleep in in the world. It makes no, like, no, I can still drive. Yeah. Why? If you have to even consider that, you can't. That, that, that macho shit goes out the fucking window. Yeah, like,

oh, you want me to sleep, I sleep in my bed and my bed only. Fuck off. I'll sleep under the kitchen table, dude. For real.

If it fucking saves lives and keeps me out of jail, I'll sleep in the backyard. I'll sleep on the porch. I'll sleep on the fucking, I'll sleep anywhere. I don't give a shit. 100%.

But all the more, like, you don't have to. Like, you can get home. There's other ways to get home. But yeah, the point stands, drunk driving, getting a you don't have to. Like, you can get home. There's other ways to get home. But, yeah, the point stands.

Drunk driving, getting a DUI, your insurance goes up, the money out the window, and, of course, worst of all, God forbid you injure anybody or take a life. So this holiday season and New Year's season, do not drunk drive. And it's only a couple beers. It's only a hit of a joint, it is if you feel different you are driving impaired so don't get a DUI don't get a Dewey don't take lives and make sure you stay safe this holiday season

last one let's finish with the bang boys what's going on KFC fights and the rest of the crew I've been listening to you guys for years now I think you go together like peanut butter and jelly, salt and pepper. You guys are awesome together. I know you guys spend a lot of time listening to each other,

hours and hours and hours. I think you guys said the person you've listened to most since leaving your parents were probably each other. So I'm wondering, can you guys do your best impersonations of each other and go for a few minutes? And I want to hear what KFC sounds like as Feidelberg and what Feidelberg sounds like as KFC. All right, guys.

How are we doing? Because what we're going to do is we're just going to say the stereotypical things that each other say. Yeah. And when you just say exactly what someone does, it's mean. It hurts. It hurts. I don't know.

I don't know. See, I'm trying to think of like – I don't know if I can do it. But like 4 o'clock John, when he gets going, he does this thing where you're like laughing and talking at the same time where you were like, you know, you were like, you know, you said something like, you're like, what did you say to that fucking tick tock kid? You were like, I'm the ghost of Christmas future. You're going to you're going to wrap a Porsche around a tree. It's fucking two hundred ninety miles an hour. Like you're laughing. Your face is red and you're spitting it out, trying to get

out the laughs while you're talking. That 4 o'clock, John, he is on one. You'll also do this thing where you go like, yep, that's about right. Yep, well, I'm not even going to be alive. I'm going to kill myself then. So I'm going to...

He said to me on Friday night, by the way, I'm on to kill myself then. He says we have to find a point to the day. You're like, by the way, I'm on to this. 2028. It's like, I'll be long dead.

The most genuine, that's another one too. Like, a lot of that. You're just describing an old Irish man. Yeah. And that's,

he's doing it right there. He just did it right there. He's rocking an old Irish man. He leaves. He doesn't know what to do. Oh, man. It's great.

It's the laughter, John. It all comes around the laughter, though, everything I said there. You start laughing and talking. You're literally just describing the old man at an Irish bar. It was just like. But a happy one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The laughter's there.

That's a hard. I wish we should get Joey Molinaro's I would love to know how to zero in on these things. Because you definitely have personality traits about you. I just can't pinpoint them. I mean, we've probably

each got a million of them. But when you're really roasting someone and you start laughing and the laughter's you know because it's the truth it is you know the real deal um i think if i had to do yours i would just yell loud this is it john i mean this this is how does this always happen to me? What is it? What? Every single day, John.

It's the worst. It's after. I got the Jets. I got the Mets. I got my fucking kids. I got my cars broken down. All right, we're good. Stop.

That's enough. That's enough. You did it right. Point taken. Impression. Mission accomplished, John. I get it. That was good. That was good.

That was good. Well, that's actually very apropos that we ended on that voicemail because the last segment we're going to do of the year here is actually us listening back to us. So this is from the first podcast we did of 2020 as we wrap up with the last podcast of 2020 to see what we said and what we thought and where our minds were at.

So was this probably January? It was actually December 31st. Okay. But actually earlier in the episode, we won't go back that far. John, you did say you thought Brady was going to leave the Patriots, and you said it seemed like it was starting to kind of unravel. Oh, you knew. Yeah, I had that one there.

Death by a thousand fucking boilings and a thing. But it's like 2020. We're going to be happy boys, bro. No more sad boy. be we're gonna be happy boys bro no more sad boy we're gonna be happy boy john you're a conversationalist man you knocked it out of the park i'll be honest i said that for 2019 that 2019 was mental health year i fell short uh 2020 it is baby you know what 2019 was i feel like 2019 was mental health year in what you just said earlier in the podcast. You're acutely aware of the problems. You just fix them.

So 2019 was becoming fully aware of all your shortcomings and problems. 2020 is going to be we're going to put into action. We're going to fix those problems. Okay. I like that. So basically what I'm saying is 2020 is the year of therapy. I got my guy. I got my guy. I got my guy.

I just haven't seen him. I am 100% going to full-blown therapy in 2020. I promise you that. It has reached an absolute breaking point where I was such a wreck during the holidays. It's almost like I said to wrap things up, to bring it back to the beginning. The Patriots, if you're going to be bad, I'd rather bottom out so that I have this new perception. That was the holidays. I was such a fucking wreck that I started laughing at one point.

Every movie I saw, all the emotional moments, somehow I'm relating myself. This holiday season, I'm good. Last year, Thanksgiving Thanksgiving I was crying I mean like every holiday thing I was such a mess like I'm divorced and the kids and this year I'm I mean it's not great you know it's always weird like but I'm like okay this is life time really heals all burn this house down I do love that I said we were going to be happy boys and then quite literally the sad boy season was launched this year. And made so much money. That was depressing how much of a success that clothing company is.

Like, let's make suicide clothes. And everyone's like, buy it, buy it, buy it. Bonuses, merch, yeah. Like, holy shit. There was a lot of hope. I did not go to therapy. I have to go this year. 2021 has to. I mean, I do a little bit. But I need to find a guy and go.

Because you're kind of coming out the other side where you're like, it's fine, but you did gain some things from it, I promise you that. I need to do it. Kind of. But the reason I don't think... It's fine. Like he's talking about a B movie. It's fine. Was it worth the ticket? You know what you just said about therapy?

Catch it on demand. Don't go to the theaters. Just get it on demand. What I don't understand – What I don't – What I think therapy is, and it's just something I don't care about, is like finding the root of all these things. Yeah.

I don't care why I feel or why I think that way. Well, I think the idea is you find the root to fix it, but – Well, yeah, but it's like finding the root of all these things. I don't care why I feel or why I think that way. Well, I think the idea is you find the root to fix it. Well, yeah, but I think people leave them like, that's why I'm like this. I don't give a shit why I'm like this. I'm just like this. Well, also, I think you've got to be kind of stupid if you don't know why you're like this. Right. It's like my parents fight.

My parents stayed together but fought a lot, and we don't express our emotions that well, and I suppress my – I can tell you why I'm the way I am. I think you don't have a lot of self awareness if you can't figure that out so it's like I think it's about what therapy will be for me I'm like how do you fix it I don't care about how like where why I can't even fix

get the pad out do a little scribbly thing years of work well I heard a prescription takes about 30 seconds to write so bring it up alright so that's it for 2020 of work. Well, I heard a prescription takes about 30 seconds to write, so bring it up. Alright, so that's it for 2020, huh? 2021 coming in hot.

Do you want to make predictions for this year? Yeah, I was going to say I will predict that 2021 will be the biggest year of the KFC radio franchise. Agreed. It will be the biggest monetary year. It will be the biggest output of content year. It will be the biggest monetary year. It will be the biggest output of content year. There will be live

shows. There will be spin-offs. There will be video content, audio content. There will be... I mean, we're going to do it all this year. We're going to have three YouTube channels tomorrow. Three YouTube channels. I'll say that now. There will be a full explanation of this on Mail Time on Wednesday.

But today, I'll tell you so tomorrow's mail time is the last mail time ever and i'm rebranding that as the kevin clancy show uh and i'll explain why that's all happening and and how that show is going to work uh not nothing major though so no it's not going away or anything don't get worried but so we'll have like three youtube channels with all those shows we'll be doing what i'm hoping will be like one live show digital live show per month if we can get on stage maybe we'll be doing what i'm hoping will be like one live show digital live show per month if we can get on stage maybe we'll go back to doing some in-person live shows we've got one thing i've learned we've got behind the blog we've got making a gambler we've got i think

a few other podcast ideas to spin off into full-blown new shows we we settled on one settled on one yeah so i you've got one i think So you've got one. I think I've got one. Merch, I think, will be bigger than ever. I feel like we just know what we're doing with merch more than ever, and it's just like every fucking month we'll be dropping more. I just think we're veterans of the game at this point. You know what I mean? We only got until 2028.

Got to figure it out now. Seriously, the clock's ticking. 2028, I'm logging off the internet. That's it. I don't want to be Trisha Paytas, okay? I'm done. I don't want to have to put lamps in my asshole at some point. I'm going to just make as much as I can, and at 2028, I'll have a mental breakdown, kill myself, or retire.

One or the other. So the clock is ticking, and I think it's going to be a big year for us. Peace. See you in 2021. I've got some missions that nobody can see. And all of these emotions Are pouring out of me I bring them to the life in you It's only like this is

The soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life, to my life, to my life, to my life, to my life, to my life.