KFC Radio - People Are Ugly, The Full Blown Truth, and Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

The people at Giants games are not great looking. Highlights are too long. John experiments with telling the truth. No one is good at human interaction. ESPN overpays people. Stephen A is inspiring the youth. Magicians, hypnotists, and mentalists. Voicemails include: Dating During the Playoffs, get out of jail free card, music before or after you were born.Nikki Glaser stops by to chat about her new special "Bangin" and the roast scene. Why she isn't into orgasms anymore, how guys should eat more pussy, the dating app Raya, and roasting Caitlin Jenner.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by New Amsterdam Vodka. I'll tell you what, the most underrated thing, the New Amsterdam Bar here at Barstool. It's such a dope bar. It's a very nice bar. And that back wall with the Viva La Stool graffiti and the Empire State Building looks like the New Amsterdam bottle. We got the horseshoe-shaped bar, they call it.

Stocked with... It's very underutilized. Yes. Stocked with Pink Whitney. It's got New Amsterdam vodka on tap. Vodka on tap is like something that you die and go to heaven. There's just booze pouring from all the holes. The problem is our old bar didn't work.

Yeah. So now we have a bar that's just used to being broken. It's like, no, we have the best vodka in the world on tap and like the way uh whitney's designed back designed by our boy yeah taffer designed it so that you know you can shoot you can fit this is this is so perfectly barstool john set it up so that you can sit on one side and shoot on the other and get like the whole bar and then us sitting sitting. And what do we do? We sit the wrong way. We have Vibs have us sit up and shoot the other way.

Shut up. I mean, I was stupid. Really? Yeah. I did not know. He wanted it. So think about it. You have that big thing against the back wall, so that could be your backdrop. You can film us and the bartender without being behind the bar, because it's U-shaped,

and we just go behind the bar and film that way. So we fucked that up with Taffer, too, when we did the taste test. Yep, yeah. He should have been like, guys, I did this specifically for you. Do it this way. Classic. I feel bad. It's the most underutilized and incorrectly used bar in the world,

but it's stocked with New Amsterdam, which is what every bar should be. If you're a bar owner in New York or Canada or otherwise, you should make sure you have New Amsterdam behind the bar because it's affordable, smooth, tasty, tasteless. It's very, very good. And obviously the Pink Whitney. The Pink Whitney, you know, if you heard details behind the scenes, it's like the most successful liquor of all time. Of ever.

It's like move over George Clooney, fuck off, you know, everybody else, every other craze, fireball, whatever. New Amsterdam vodka, Pink Whitney's like the most successful alcoholic beverage of all time. I mean, what a world that that fucking Muppet, Ryan Whitney, is now like a sommelier. The kid is too scared to golf rigs, for God's sake. I mean, what a pussy. You're going to need

all the Pink Whitney you can drink, Ryan, because you're going to be getting chirped until the end of time for botching that. So everyone, go drink your Pink Whitney's and your new Amsterdam vodka. I need as much alcohol as I can. I don't know what to do, John. The Yankees are steamrolling the Twins, which I knew was going to happen. Everything that's happening, I knew was going to happen,

but it's happening now, and it sucks. The Yankees are absolutely going to roll. The Jets are, I mean, so bad. What was the final yesterday? 31-6, I think, because I went to sleep. So I literally couldn't. I'm pretty sure it was 31-6. You think, because I went to sleep. So I literally couldn't. I'm pretty sure it was 31-6. You went to bed?

I went. The 1 o'clock game? Yes. I went to sleep at 1 o'clock. I was so fucking tired. I was out the night before. I was hungover. I still had to get up and go get the kids.

I took them to gymnastics. I took them to my parents' house, drop them back off. And I got home in time for the 1 o'clock. It was a little bit late. So I walk in the door. I turn on the TV. It was a little bit late, so I walk in the door. I turn on the TV. It's already 7-0, and I was like, of course it is. And I saw a recap of their first possession,

three and out, negative eight yards. And I was just like, I don't think I'm going to do this. And last week I made a joke out of it, or two weeks ago rather because then it was the bye week. But I made the joke. I went to my dead grandparents' grave. I crashed that ethnic urban football game. But this week I was just like, I'm tired.

I'm going to be miserable all day, and tomorrow's going to suck if I don't. I'm just going to go to sleep. Sleep is my running joke, but it came true. Sleep is the only escape. I rolled over. It was 14-0. I rolled over again. It was 21-0. I blinked. It was 14-0. I rolled over again. It was 21-0.

I blinked. It was 24-0, 24-3, something like that. I just, you know, meanwhile, the Patriots have, like, snatched another wig. They're just scalping people now. I don't know what happened in the Patriots game. What's-his-face is fired. I still have not seen a single play of the Patriots game because I agreed to go to a Giants game months ago. My cousin and uncle have season tickets to the Giants

and I agreed to go to the game and I didn't even check the Patriots schedule. Luckily, it turns out it was a bye week and it's like I know they won 31-7 or something along those lines. 32-7. Do you know what the spread last night was?

Yesterday was? I do not know. Because they're opening up. They cover. I know. Fuck, I forget if they covered or not. Whatever happened, someone was bitching about it to me. I don't know if they were bitching about not covering or bitching about them covering. I want to say it was minus 17.

Oh, then that would cover you. So, I mean, you know, it's like. Yeah, I mean, it couldn't have been 30. The Dolphins was. It could have been 25. The Dolphins was, what, like, 23, and the Jets was 22, the Redskins 17,

and now even, like, Philly is 14. Like... Philly's 14? I don't know if it is, but I was listening to Boomer and Carton this morning, and Boomer was like, I guess it's probably around 14 points. Well, no, because they're playing the Giants this week.

Oh, so they're playing the Giants. Oh, the Giants, right, right, right, right, right. But even that, like, I know the Giants stink, but it's like... I shouldn't say they stink, but, like, 14, right. But even that, I know the Giants stink, but it's like – I shouldn't say they stink, but like 14 points is a lot of fucking – I know. But 14 points, that's a big fucking number for a team that like, you know, when they play well, like are pretty good.

It's just crazy. Saquon probably play. Like Saquon back is a pretty huge team. Yeah. And I know it's like a short week and all that shit, but it's just, it's at the point where it's not like, are they going to win? It's just, it's literally like,

you're just talking gambling numbers now. It's just like, will they cover and how much will they beat you by? I mean, the Chiefs go out and lose last night and Dave was like, well, I mean, that's it for them now. They won't have home field advantage. Like, you can just pence, you know, it's just fucking disgusting.

And it's just fucking stupid. The Chiefs have been, and look, the Patriots haven't looked... Okay, I haven't seen a single play of the Redskins game, so I don't know exactly why. I was going to watch the highlights, and I went to Google, I typed in Patriots-Skins. It's like a 12-minute highlight.

When did we start doing the sports highlights? I know what it is. I'll tell you what it is. It's great. Like, 12 minutes? I don't what it is. I'll tell you what it is. It's great. Like 12 minutes? I don't need 12 minutes. I might as well watch the game. You're watching like a game rewind. You're not watching highlights.

You're watching like, when they do like, you know, like Jetson 60 and you just watch like an hour version of it. That's basically what highlights are. They do it with hockey.

Where it's like, here's eight minutes of highlights. It was a 2-1 game. What do I need eight minutes of highlights for? Even like the most exciting hockey game should have like maybe two and a half minutes max. It used to be SportsCenter, like 45 seconds.

That's what you get out of the game. That's all I need. Give me the fucking bullet points. But I saw that, so I still haven't seen the play. I saw the highlights. I was like, absolutely not. I don't have a week to watch this. John, my life's goal since I started Barstool has been to revolutionize and reinvent sports

highlights and we're just not allowed to do it. And it makes me, Oh, you could infuriate. Yeah. And like baseball, like because of the sports, like the, the, the amount of like the rights and the reproduction shit. And, uh, there's like a couple of people out there who are allowed to do it for some fucking reason. Barstool Sports is not allowed to. The moment that I knew it, I always wanted to,

when I grew up, when I was growing up, the minute I realized I wasn't going to be a professional athlete anymore, I wanted to be a sports center anchor. I thought that was the funniest shit in the world. It's both. You're in sports, you're cracking jokes, whatever. You know, that's one of my favorite quotes from Stephen A.

What's that? After Stephen A. signed his newest contract, which was like $10 million a year, he's like, I've always told people, you can't be LeBron James. You can be Stephen A. Smith. Yeah, I mean, well. That's a pretty cool quote. And you know what? It's very humble of him because he's wrong. Right, right.

There is only one. And yes, it's more attainable, but maybe not. Because Stephen A. Smith is fucking his video this week just laughing at Dallas fans. The Stephen A. versus Cowboys fans rivalry is one of the best in all sports right now. He's the best. And yeah, sure, it's more attainable, but when you're the cream of the crop like him. And honestly, can you imagine being like, you know, all right, I'm not going to be a professional athlete. The dream is dead.

But you still go on to a career where you make 10 million a year like you know he's making more than what he would have if he like made it to the league

and was like a scrub player you know what I mean that's crazy to be like my plan B actually ended up probably being more lucrative than my dream plan A

forever minimum probably but I keep going up and he's a guy who I don't think he'll like lose it speaking of we talked about it a bit on CCK. Their contracts are fucking bullshit.

Absolute fucking bullshit. I can't tell whether it's just that we're stupid or if like... Like, Barstool Sports is the only place in the world that doesn't... And they pay well, but they don't just grossly overpay sports media. We're the only ones. Why are you stupider owners and bosses? What's wrong with you? I feel like I could go...

Michael Smith? $2.5 million a year. $2.5 million a year? I feel like I should be able to walk in to Dave and Eric's office and be like, Bam, here's all the shit I do, and's all like the money and and traffic i generate more than steven a smith so i get to michael smith it was bad to move on me bringing him up right away the smiths the blacksmiths i can't do it so uh if i can lay that all out there like give me two and a half million they'd be like no and i'd be like okay because it doesn't make sense you're right

i'm absolutely not worth it i mean you know maybe this is why dave is so terrified of the goddamn unions because i don't know what these other outlets have done. But I feel like sports media and like comedy, sports entertainment, whatever you want to call it, it's one extreme or the other. It's like you either have people who are like not like literally not being paid and they just have like slave labor for like SB Nation. Right, right, right. Or you have ESPN where like if you if you show if you like make. You want us to light a pile of money on fire in front of you? Sure.

OK. If you show, if you, like, make. You want us to light a pile of money on fire in front of you? Sure. Okay. I mean, it is staggering some of the numbers that people get paid. And, again, we are paid probably generously. And it's still not even remote. Yeah. And it's not even remotely close. Remotely close. Remotely close.

I just thought of something, which is, I don't know, a little blunt to pick with you. You didn't tell me you even told me I look skinny. Karab has told me I look skinny this morning. That was really nice. You didn't.

Well, you just got a haircut. That's all. You're not skinny. You just got a haircut. I was wearing a hat when he said it. Yeah, but it's the sides. The sides are tight.

It makes your head look smaller, makes your whole body look smaller. You're not skinny. You just got a haircut. Okay. Well, go to barcelagold.com slash KFC and you, I guess.

I mean, show it off, bud.. Well, go to barcelo gold.com slash KFC. And you, I guess, I mean, just show it off. But I mean, that was an absolutely shameless plug. Like I was wondering how we were going to get it in barcelo gold.com slash KFC. Well, let's just address the outfit in the room. That's the only reason I brought that up.

What I was going to say, I'll tell you how I was going to do it. I actually think that for those who don't know, we have to mention it in the first 20 minutes. I thought we were getting up against the clock, so I just fucking said it. It was believable. I didn't realize it at first. I thought you were going to be a little fucking bitch about me not saying your skin.

That's very believable. In the world of KFC and fights, it's entirely possible. How long have we been filming, Nick? Only like 10 minutes. We had plenty of time. I would have thought we were getting closer you're right it did slip my mind by now i would have worked it in myself so good job i think you could have got away with it i think i think people would have been like oh that's so funny like

feidelberg's complaining to kst he doesn't call him pretty i mean look obviously it was on my mind it was just i utilized it for good well what i was gonna say was uh when we started to plan out today's episode i said you want to talk about anything, John? And he just said, people are just so fucking ugly. And so I will gladly talk about how ugly people are, but I just want to make sure that you know that you're not pretty. Oh, no, I'm included, absolutely. So go to barstoolgold.com slash KFC to see this man

who was about to talk about others' appearance because I believe one might say that we are in a glass house at the moment. To see this man who was about to talk about others' appearance. Because I believe one might say that we are in a glass house at the moment. No, no. Fuck off. Read the ad. Let's do this. People are ugly. People are ugly.

Brought to you by SeatGeek. John was at the Giants game yesterday. Oh, you know what? I had unbelievable seats. Unreal. Unfortunately, not through SeatGeek. I got a lot to say on the seats, actually. We'll go this first.

Yeah, let's do the ad first. Because that's where you see all these ugly people. And you go to a sporting event, and you're going to see, anytime you get like 60,000 people together, you're going to see it all, bud. You're going to see rich. You're going to see poor. You're going to see fat. You're going to see skinny. You're going to see ugly.

You're going to see pretty. You're going to see black, white, green, orange. And everybody from all walks of life are getting in the building because of companies like SeatGeek because they make it easy they take away the confusion they make it uh as affordable as it can be and they make it as simple as can be with an app that puts all the tickets to any live event into one easy spot so all the tickets that are being sold on all the different secondary markets are put all together and uh you know you might be a a rich pretty person looking down at the field level you might be a fat ugly person in looking down at the field bubble. You might be a fat, ugly person in the nosebleeds, but you can buy tickets.

No lie, the Seagate Gap is one of the best I very often just go to games that like I was like, you know what, let's go to the fucking game today. And you buy it. It's incredibly incredibly easy. Pick the day, pick the seat, click buy.

Done. I got the Apple Pay now. Dangerous, just my thumb. Yep, four tickets. Boom, we're in. Let's go. I'll be drinking outside the game. Haven't bought my tickets yet.

I'll get Seeky Gap, go in. You just do the face ID? I don't have a face ID. I have an iPhone 6. I don't know if people realize how crazy that is. I have an iPhone 6. That's like the poorest thing realize how crazy that is. I have an iPhone 6. That's like the poorest thing I've ever heard. It does what I need it to do.

Why do I need to go get a new one? You don't need to. I'm just telling you you're poor. It's not even like... And I was going to say... I don't even think it's... I also... I was just trying to make another joke about you being ugly with the Face ID, okay?

That's all. I was going to say you're going to break the Face ID. It's going to be like... We can't... We can't... All right. We can't comprehend that nose, okay? We don't know what to do with it.

So, whether you got an iPhone 6 or an iPhone 11, is it the new one? Yes. I'm super behind. Yeah, you're almost twice, like two times behind. Now it's going to become a thing where I have to stick with the iPhone 6. I saw a girl the other day that had a, like, I don't know, like a 4. It was the one that still was, like, small. Remember, like, the small ones?

Yeah, the bricks. Like, where it had, like, the silver lining. It's not even like rounded. It's just like bricks. Yeah. Yeah. She had that. My mom has one of those. I was almost like that's now cool. Like you're so behind you're like retro. I kind of want like an iPhone 3 now. Right? Anyway.

All of it's available on the SeatGeek app. Go to the SeatGeek app. Enter promo code KFC. Get $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase. That's SeatGeek app. Go to the SeatGeek app, enter promo code KFC, get $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase. That's SeatGeek promo code KFC for a discount. I already know what you're going to say. I mean, you're at the Meadowlands. You're in the swamps of New Jersey to watch the Giants play football. And the clientele, the clientele you're going to come across,

it's not exactly the most aesthetically pleasing. Sports in general. You're going to get across. It's not exactly the most aesthetically pleasing. Sports in general. You're going to get the uglies. Sports in general, but particularly football. Yes. If you regularly go to football games, if you are a football diehard, if you drink beers in parking lots, you're probably a really ugly person. This is a fact.

That's a fact. If you are a big football fan you are probably really ugly and i don't mean that as an insult also i do actually off the bat i do i absolutely mean that can i take it a step further like off the bat just recognize sports fan or otherwise statistically speaking like you're ugly right being pretty is like a very rare thing yeah and being like super ugly is also a rare thing but like being in the middle being that mediocre ugly american you probably but this. But like being in the middle, being that mediocre, ugly American, probably you. But this is what I mean.

It's not – they're not middle of the road. Because I'm a middle of the roader. And I look like a supermodel. Right. It's everyone – it was like we were going into the game. So we're done with the tailgate. We're going into the game, wading through all the security, which I think is the stupidest fucking thing in the world. I think it's just such a false sense of safety.

One of my favorite clips on the internet is the guy going like this. It's like we're going to make it take an hour to get into the stadium so you can pretend to feel safe. Look, dude, if you're going to a game and you're in security and you think that's protecting you from anything, if someone actually wants to fucking do harm inside a game, a guy with minimum wage and a fucking blue jacket isn't stopping shit.

Just let me in the game. I know the risk coming in public. I think we spoke about this on CCK as well, when we were talking about the Joker. I'm surprised it doesn't happen all the time. Right. That was on this show. When we were signing up for Clear, the Day of the Mets game, when it was super hard to get in because they were on their

hot streak. Or no, it was me and Jared, Jared wasn't you yeah I was like looking around and I was like I mean you know one bomb you're taking out like everybody right everybody it's it's crazy they don't try you there there is no actual safety at games and if you think that you're a fucking moron but I was just looking around because it was taking so long to get in they were like grown men and flip-flops in front of me with like disgusting old fucking long nails. Like just gross, just fat idiots.

One dude was bringing his own bag of chips into the game, but you can't bring bags. So we've had it in a fucking plastic bag, like yet in a clear bag, because that's the only thing you can bring through security. So he fucking took the time to empty fucking chips into a clip. How fucking fat and gross and poor do you have to be to empty fucking chips into a clear bag. How fucking fat and gross and poor do you have to be to empty your own

potato chips into a clear bag so you can bring it through security? Are you fucking kidding me, dude? This is the most homeless thing I've ever seen by someone who drove a car to a game. Everyone's so gross. How can you even afford this, sir? Tickets are not cheap.

He had a ponytail, by the way. Do you know how fucked up it has to be? How fucking shitty what you're doing has to be that ponytail isn't the lead? I don't lead with this was a grown man with a ponytail. And not like a ponytail ponytail.

Not like he just had long... And you just had to wrap it up. It's hard to describe. There's long hair where you just like wrap it up. But like it's hard to describe because it was like there's long hair. We just don't care about it. And that's cool. And then like if you fucking do like a ponytail, like that can be cool. That's your look. But this guy was somewhere in between where it was like you're disgusting.

Like, I guess like I'll just throw it in this ponytail to make it look kind of real. I don't know. Here's what I think. Fucking asshole. Okay. But here's when you mentioned this. I agree with everything you're saying. Like I said, you get, especially in this area, you go to New York City, you go to a game, you go to an event where people get together, you're going to see, you'll see like probably

celebrities, you'll see the best of the best, and you'll see the worst of the worst. But because it ranges that full gauntlet of people there, you got to realize there's probably someone looking at you. Thinking that you're the ponytail man to him. I don't think so. I think in this group of people. I'm very self-aware. I know where I stand in things. I think in this group of people.

You think you were the hottest? I was. But you don't think that there's so many? In the land of the blind, the one-eyed king of man. I think I was the one-eyed man in this one. But there's someone with two eyes even looking at you. I don't think he... There has to be, John.

That's the way it works. There's no way. So you're telling me on Sunday... From parking lot J, I was the hottest person there. You were the hottest person in Giant Stadium? At parking lot J, yes. The entrance I went in. I think so.

I'm pretty sure. How many people would you say? That's got to be like a... I probably only saw 500 to 1,000. But I was a king. You think you were the hottest person? My point here is I am not a hot person. If you did a beauty pageant of those 1,000 people, you would win.

Yeah, just because I had shoes on. Your toes were covered. I didn't have a bag of potato chips. Okay, so let's expand further. It's not a hard thing to win. Do you think that parking lot J was like the rarity? Or do you think the parking lot A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

they're probably all the same, right? Probably pretty comparable. So then why were you not the hottest guy? I'm an AP top 25. You think you were the top out of 60,000 people at Giants Stadium? You think you were the top 25? It's an honest question. It could be an honest answer.

Where do you think you fall? Call it 60,000 people. Are you in the top 1,000? Yes. Top 1,000. Top 1,000 at a football game. 60,000 regular people? No.

60,000 at a football game? Yes, I'm in the top 1,000. Do you think000 at a football game. 60,000 regular people? No. Top 60,000 at a football game? Yes, I'm in the top 1,000. Do you think you'd be top 500? Probably not. That's just like, that's crazy. Do you think, so yesterday. You know, because. Yesterday you think there was like total 500, let's call it sevens and up.

Because I'll call you like a 6.9. You're like just below a seven. They're probably more than that, right? I don't know. That's why you try to think through it like that. It's like there was only 500 good-looking people at the game. It's entirely possible. Again, you were in the swamps of New Jersey.

You're not in Southern California. You're not on South Beach at a Dolphins game. You're in the swamps of the Meadowlands. I can't get over this guy's toenails. I'm staring at our astronaut's foot, and I'm like, if he put his toenails on that, it would be a horrifying sight. So 500 total people. No, I said 1,000.

500 is – that's a low number. Yeah, because guess what? Fucking rich people are hot. More than 500 people fit in the luxury box. So yeah, whatever the luxury box total is. And the people on the field don't count. Right. Right.

I did kind of fall in love with one of the photographers on the field. Oh, yeah? Yeah. We never exchanged anything. She took like three kind of fall in love with one of the photographers on the field. Oh, yeah? Yeah. We never exchanged anything. She took like three pictures of me, whatever. Well, she probably was like – One with her phone. Oh.

She was like – Wait a minute. Yeah. Maybe you did have them on. I mean, she definitely knew who you were. Why does she have her phone out? That's weird. I don't think she did know because I fell in love with her because she's not the kind of –

She wouldn't know who I was. But how do you know she was taking a picture of you specifically? Was that close? She was pretty close, yeah. So it wasn't just like I'm getting a picture of the crowd. It was like – Yeah, it was a vertical hold. Was there eye contact?

I can – I'm not – we made eye contact throughout the game. But, I mean, in this particular moment, her phone was in front of her face so I couldn't see her eyes. But the – she was like – she was kind of a hippie she she looks like a girl who would hate me I guarantee that's why I like I guarantee that I would hate this girl if I saw her probably she's so ugly she has she's like had no no she's definitely she's very pretty she had like she had freckles kind of hair that looked like she probably hadn't washed it in like three days or so she had on like baggy jeans and like holes in them that like probably weren't bought with holes right right right right she's just like an artsy hippie type girl it's just like you with a pussy you would hate my

it's just john with a pussy i i to me that would be like the greatest love story ever told i i'm like ever since i had my original train girl i've just been obsessed with uh unrequited love i think those are the greatest stories ever more romantic yeah that girl that girlfriend wouldn't care to hear no of course those are the breaks yeah i mean that's the breaks babe yeah just like i'll just get nice freckles i'll just think about her forever you know whatever i'll just think about her every single time i go to sleep at night maybe sometimes when we're having a little bit of sex like what's the big fucking deal unrequited love even but she was like, I was with my cousin and my uncle and my dad, and I told him, I was sitting next to my cousin,

so I was like, dude, I love this girl. And he was like, really? Really? Yeah, uh-huh. I knew. That's how, those are the kind of girls I fall in fake love with. I knew that I always will have to double check with you when we're talking about hot girls or someone you saw.

The moment that you said, and I hate to do this because it's rude, about like hot girls or someone you saw the moment that you said and i hate to do this because it's rude but like the moment you said that you liked the girl in crashing i almost i was like i can't ever trust you again oh the blonde the season two or season five like pete's like girlfriend in the end i mean i mean like that again i don't be rude but that's no that's no i can't ever. Her personality was intoxicating. Okay. Yeah, she's not a 10. And her personality is not good either. It's not good for you. It's not a healthy personality.

I was going to say I hated her personality. But it's an intoxicating one. You know what's funny? I remember thinking when I became single, I was like, you know know like the grass is always greener type thing right you know and so i'm thinking to myself all right last time i was single i was like it was like 10 years ago i'm so i'm older now more experienced and more confident like and i kept thinking to myself next time i have all that is a problem what's that people always think of that as like a good thing like i'm older i'm more experienced i know things yeah what you know what you learn yeah is that people aren't worth going after no

yeah you're right well there's i i'm with i have wisdom now like my wisdom is that people's things not work yeah just like just well there's a difference between being wise and knowing that it's not worth me like pursuing that that versus being able to do so. In my mind, I'm like, all right, I'm more capable now. If I want to talk to that person, if I want to make her interested, I can do that. And you can't. My whole point here is that you can't.

My wisdom comes with – what I learned is that I don't want to do that no matter what but but want and able are two different things yeah but my my special ability is knowing i don't want to do it my super power your superpower is apathy he's just like disinterested in i know i don't want to talk to you that's what i what i thought was funny is that i like i i am like objectively like uh maybe not smarter but like uh what's the word? Just, like, more experienced. Like, I've seen more. And don't give a fuck anymore. Like, I used to be, like, worried about rejection.

I used to worry about, like, my image. I mean, that's all fucking gone. Getting fucking heckled by people on the streets, for God's sakes. So I'm thinking, like, it's all gonna be different. And it's not, though. It's, like, I remember thinking, like, I'll never have another train girl situation. If I think a girl is, like, pretty or we're making eyes, I'm going to say something. And we're going to, like, you know, never do that.

That's crazy. Never do that. Right? I'm still. It's better. It's honestly, you'll probably more approach people still like, you know, what should I say? What do I do? The human interaction is never going to be normal.

No. It's never going to be. I guess maybe for some people it is. Not for us. Not for people like us. I think for most people, and that's okay, human interaction is never going to be like a thing that you're used to and it feels comfortable doing.

It's always going to be uncomfortable. Isn't that fucking weird, though? It's crazy. Considering what we do for a living and like. I think it's crazy just for humanity in general, no matter what you do for a living, talking to the same species as you is always going to be uncomfortable. Again, for some

people. I think there are probably people who think we sound like lunatics here. You think so? I think most people I don't think there's it's probably like the percentage of people hotter than me at the Giants game. It's probably

a similar number. I think what's a really small percentage of people hotter than me at the Giants game are probably a similar number. I think what's a really small percentage are people who don't want to be good at it. Like most people are like, I'm afraid of public speaking or I'm afraid of rejection or whatever. And I wish I was. Public speaking is easy. Talking to someone individually sucks. Yes. First of all, I think that's reversed for us and most people.

Yeah, probably. And I think that most people are like, I want to be able to. And we're like, nah. It's a useless skill. Absolutely useless. I want to just sit alone and drink and watch TV. That's fucking it. That's depressing.

I don't think it's depressing. Again, you're not normal. Am I just completely opposite of everybody i think so sometimes i say things you're like no that's not the way it works i think i think i am the like rosetta stone i'm like the go-between for you and the normal world yeah i'm somewhere in between like here's like normal people on one end of the spectrum being like trying to better themselves and trying to like talk and be social and be nice and interested and all that shit and on the other side is you being like that's all

stupid don't do any of that and then i'm somewhere in the middle where i'm like i want to be i want to be like them but i kind of want to be like john i realized i can't totally be like john but i also physically and emotionally cannot be like totally them so I'm just going to sit here in between and translate pretty good living this is honestly when you really think about it I think my job here

is this is the Feidelberg show this is Feidelberg radio and I am just the translator I don't think that's accurate I am just here to harness your thoughts and takes on the world and present them to the audience the translator. I don't think that's accurate. I'm just here to harness your thoughts and takes on the world and present them to the audience in

such a way where they can be like, okay, I get it because that guy is a fucking lunatic, but now I understand it. And it's my job to tell you like, hey, our listeners, they don't agree at all. They're thinking shit totally different than you. And that's why they tune in

because they want to hear something like wow this guy yeah right that's what i get paid for hey just so you know all your thoughts they're fucking idiotic crazy absolute lunacy man uh we got nikki glazer on the show later today who uh her new stand-up is out called banging and it is so fucking funny it's really really funny I had I was I was uh I was listening to her watching it I was listening to it in my pocket was on Netflix but um I was listening to it watching to walking to work today and there were multiple times where it got like a verbal reaction yes I was just gonna say that I was sitting alone in my apartment laughing yeah like you're just sitting in your living room laughing that's to me that's like a sign you're Yes. I was just going to say that I was sitting alone in my apartment laughing. Yeah. Like if you're just sitting in your living room laughing,

that's to me, that's like a sign. You're laughing. Cause I can find something very funny. Even if I'm with people, like if I'm just in my apartment, I'm not, I'm not going to be like, ah,

you know, I'll sit there being like, that is fucking funny. But to actually LOL is, and I wasn't just LOL. I wasn't LOLing either. There were times where I was like, Jesus Christ.

Visceral reactions, like disagreement or grossed out or whatever. So she'll be on the show later today, which I'm super excited for. I'm very excited, too. As we're recording this, we have not interviewed her yet. I'm very excited for her. I think she lets it fly. So we'll get into that.

We got our voicemails first, though. Voicemails are brought to you by Adam and Eve. Oh, perfect for Nikki. I don't know if we mentioned this nikki's entire special is about sucking dick yep sucking dicks and uh she has a whole section about um about uh sex toys that she just has a bag of them so she has like a suitcase full of them in her uh i don't know if you didn't see that part yet no she talks about how she has like a um like a toy story type of like

relationship like she feels bad for the old ones like oh woody used to be my favorite no so she can't like get rid of them so she's like i sit on this one i put this one in there i put that one on my clit i'm using it's very fucking funny so she's got a whole bag of them uh john he very famously uh well not very famous but like kFC Radio Story, got himself a flashlight. Yep. And I thank you for that because now I can too. Because, you know, when you're the only guy, and this is why you're a pioneer and a trailblazer and why I appreciate you because you were like, I'm just going to get a rubber pussy

and I'm going to fuck it. Yeah. The trick for that, everybody, and we can use this on Adam and Eve, you're nervous to buy these things. Correct. You're always like buy these things. Correct. You're always a little uncomfortable. Yeah. Just get drunk first.

I bought it completely blackout. Mm-hmm. Wake up in the morning and be like, what was in my cart? Let's find out. Have a couple of drinks. Go to adamandeve.com. I like that. Get something to fuck.

I think what I'm going to do, I think I'm going to one-up you. I think I'm going to buy, like, not a flashlight, but some other sort of, like, a rubber pussy. Like, not even, you know, like, this thing is designed to look like a fleshlight, or a flashlight, kind of like hide it. I'm going to buy, like, a fucking... Oh, one of those things which is like a doggy? Yeah, just like an ass. Yeah, I'm going to buy an ass.

That's what I'm going to get. I think we should just keep one-upping each other until we're, like, you know, you're, like, hooked up to, like, bondage in the middle of your masturbation. Well, I went to adamandeve.com, used promo code KFC, and I got this. Oh, this is the deal, too. You go to adamandeve.com, A-N-D in the middle, and you get 50% off. Oh, baby.

Select almost any one item for 50% off. And then when you use promo code KFC at checkout, you get 10 free gifts. That's a lot of gifts. What? Now I'm sure of the smaller size or importance, but I'm saying for most people, 10 is enough. When it comes to my penis, small is good.

Small works. Small is exactly what I need. What are the 10 things? You got this for penetration. This thing vibrates. There's some lube. That one you wrap around your dick. That one you put on her pussy. And, like, that's only...

I just labeled, like, five. I'm out of gas. That's all I know. Yeah. And that's only five. You get double that. That's pretty much everything you need. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to go to Ebony.com.

I'm going to do this right now. I'm going to buy a rubber ass for 50% off. I'm going to use my own goddamn promo code. Ten gifts. And I'm going to get 10 gifts. Honestly, God, if you are a listener to this and you're not doing this, stop listening to this.

Oh, breaking news. Six free movies, too. Which, by the way, popping in a porn DVD right now would really get me going. I have a couple. Like the menu? Press play?

I'll get it for you. I bought a Belladonna one. So you get a sexy item for him, a special gift for her, and a third item that works for both of y'all. Six movies, ten free gifts, and one item at 50% off. I mean, you just bought the whole store.

You just bought your whole sex life right there. I'm gonna get a rubber ass. Adamandeve.com Promo code KFC Everything you need to get off rubber ass. Adamandeve.com. Promo code KFC. Everything you need to get off. I just saw my girlfriend. I have great news. I'm going to text myself.

I got great news, KFC. Yo, I have great news. I got great news. This is incredible what you're about to hear. I got fucking great news. It's time for our voicemails. Let's go. KFC, Fight BC.

Need some advice for you, buddy. Been seeing this girl. It's still really, really new. Fun time. Good time. Getting to know each other. Got plans to go out on Friday night. That was before the MLB

playoff schedule got released. And my twins, who just won the division for the first time in nine years are showing off with the yankees i think we know how that goes but that's besides the point uh really need to watch this game um getting with the twins my whole life it's a big fucking deal do i should i blow her off fr night, even though it's brand new? If not, how long into a relationship should you wait before you can start making the excuses over sports or give them another reason? Or what the fuck do I do here?

Do I try to make her watch the game? This is an unbelievable question, and almost everybody's going to go through it in one way or another. And I think it's super, super important for guys cut from this type of cloth. Before we get into this, I have two things to say. One, twins are the stupidest name ever because when he said that, I still didn't think baseball. I was like, oh, he's got twins. He's like, oh, my twins were whatever he said. My twins were something.

And when he said my twins, I was like. Son and two sons. Two, the Uber driver issue. Which is what? Oh, yeah. Let's talk a little sports first. The Minnesota Twins have a reliever. So he starts the game, right?

He might be a reliever. I don't know. I didn't even know because watching the Yankees and the Twins in the playoffs is the biggest waste of time in the world. I was watching it at a bar with no sound, so I didn't hear any of this. The Rocket was trying to make the case for the Twins. I don't care how many home runs they hit. I don't care how many 30 home run hitters they have. It doesn't matter.

I don't care how many wins on the season. They are terrible, and they will always lose to the Yankees in the playoffs. They're the fakest 101-win team in the history of baseball, and that's not hyperbole. That's no doubt in my mind. You played the Royals and the fucking Tigers 38 times. That's insanity. So fuck the Twins.

You're useless, you're worthless, and thank you for nothing. Don't tell me that you have a problem making fun of this guy for being an uber driver i don't have a i don't have a problem making fun of him i also just like i don't everything is so serious now where it's like this is toxic this is a problem like no it's just a fucking joke it's kind of it's it's it's quirky it's funny yeah baseball players are usually viewed as rich and wealthy and unattainable and this guy was like your average uber driver that's just funny man it's a unique it's just a unique ball it's a funny thing right it's like that like i i don't think anyone there and of course there are 60,000 people or however

many there are at yiggy stadium yes there are probably some who are just mean and they're like as they're all over the place as we know as they're chanting they're like, as they're chanting it, they're like, we're hurting his feelings. But I think largely it's just like, dude, we're just ball busting. That's such a huge thing. That's sports. Like in locker rooms, ball busting is so important.

And once it gets into, I guess, regular society, people who didn't play sports, you can have it without sports. It's not a uniquely sports experience. It's more just a sense of humor mentality. You hang out with guys and kick it with people who have a sense of humor and they know you can be a little bit mean.

That happens a lot in sports because you're in the locker room, you're on the field, you're together. It can happen in other places. It happens more in sports. It can happen in any group situation. If people have a sense of humor, that's going to happen. It's the people who don't have a sense of humor who don't understand That like it's not that Big of a deal

Do you think he was getting the dug up No And those same people I can't believe I'm defending Yankee fans here Cause ordinarily let's call a spade a spade I would troll you fucks and just be like yeah you're all despicable but that's how that's how much i disagree with the people making a big deal out of this i'm on the yankee fan side it's not like those people would go outside when they're getting their uber home and like mistreat their uber drivers

no it's it's funny that the guy who's supposed to be a millionaire and probably is at least a several hundred thousand air now that he's pitching was once being a taxi driver. That's just fucking funny and weird and unique. When there's something different about you, we're going to make fun of it. It's not mean. It's not wrong. It's like we're just having fun.

And we're just trying to get on your skin because it's the competitive spirit. It's the element of being a live crowd. I forget his name, but if he was my friend, I would bust his balls all the time. Anytime he'd be like, you want to go to the bottom? Are you going to give me a ride? Fucking Uber driver.

It's what you do with your buddies. It's just a fucking regular thing you do. If right now, if next year he is fully got a multi-million dollar, multi-year deal and he's a fully baseball player, the story will just be, did you know that Randy, or whatever the fuck his name was, used to drive... He looks like a Randy. That's a good guess.

That's a really good guess. He used to drive an Uber, and now he's a baseball player. But right now, it's still like this season. So in my mind, it's like this Uber driver is pitching against us in the playoffs. We're going to fucking make fun of him. I don't even think making fun has become such a pejorative thing, too. We're not making fun. We're not making fun.

We're having fun. And I think if you are a normal person, if you have a sense of humor, you are having fun with us. Let me tell you this, Huffman. There's always going to be a butt of the joke. And sometimes you're making the joke, and sometimes you're the butt of the joke. And laughs and humor are always going to come at somebody's expense a little bit not you know hopefully it shouldn't be mean-spirited hopefully it shouldn't be too detrimental but there's always going to be a punch line and and the time that you're the

punch line just fucking laugh about it man yeah i'm the punch line very often i mean i i couldn't believe how many there was like sports people like i saw people on my timeline who are into sports because I can understand sometimes if the Blue Check Brigade who writes about politics or whatever the fuck comes into our world and they don't get it. But these are people who like sports. They like competition. I've seen them talking shit about people. I couldn't believe it. I thought – that actually to me is the most wholesome fan shit talking I've ever heard. There's nothing wrong with being an Uber driver.

No one thinks you're something horrible. It's just a funny fucking thing. It's just a little different. You weren't the first overall pick. You weren't like Bryce Harper. We didn't know for 20 years that you were the next thing. You were a little different. And we're going to talk about it.

You were a little different, and we're going to talk about it. You were a bum. It reminds me of the Sonny episode of the gang tries desperately to win an award. And when they're like, I know we're not going to mention the black friend. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's a thing. It's a thing. Let's just talk about it. Let's be honest about it. It's a fucking thing. And it's the playoffs, by the way.

It can get a lot worse than that. Fans can be a lot worse when a championship's on the goddamn line maybe you don't understand that minnesota i guess it wasn't even minnesota fan are like twins fans really upset it's just like i don't think i don't think there's a certain sect that's i think there are just people who don't have a sense of humor upset about it it's crazy to me awful awful i mean it could be way way worse than making fun of uber. As far as back to this dude, I think it does matter that it's the Twins versus the Yankees because if this girl is like a 10 and she's perfect and hot and it's new and you're really into her,

I think there's nothing wrong with saying logically the Twins are going to get absolutely steamrolled tonight and so I'm not going to risk it. If it's a different team, different circumstances, I can understand. I personally think the playoffs are too important, and I think you should speak up about it. But if a Twins fan wanted to say to me,

much like I slept through the Jets game the other day, like, I know what's going to happen here, so I'm not going to go ahead and fuck up the rest of my life for the goddamn Twins when it comes to the Yankees, I'd have no problem with you. You could be a diehard Twins fan. I think you could understand. As a matter of fact, I think the diehard Twins fans would know. They'd be the ones being like, I'm going to go with the pretty girl

because we're going to get fucking worked. If you do want to speak up, though, I think you should do it sooner than later. That's my new outlook on life. I was just going to say, my new thing I've been doing is very comparable to this. I've just been doing the truth. Truth, honesty. Oh, you crazy boy. You a crazy boy it's

like just last night I was I was on the phone and I said you know what I don't want to talk anymore I'm not really in the mood to talk right now I'm gonna go

whoa I think if you told this girl I think it's so you I've basically gone Daryl from the office where it's like who just says exactly what's on his mind

what game is he playing I'm not playing a game I'm just being real and i i can't believe you said i just don't want to talk right now i said i said look that wasn't a thing i said she's like you know i get and you know like the text i got afterwards i respect your honesty i love your self-awareness and it was john i'm telling you man you to keep her. That is a rare response. But I think if you told this girl, if you call this girl and you're like, look, I really, really like you. I also really, really like the twins.

There's a game Friday night. I did not know about it. Do you mind if we move to Saturday? Yeah. I think that's like, whoa. Yeah. You are very forward. You're very honest.

This is different. I don't play games girl i think i think that's a fair thing you know obviously this is the moment has passed like this you cannot use this advice right now sir no but in the future i think it it's working really well for me well all right let me let's let me just speak on we'll talk about these two separate things these are two different situations, now him and you. I think with him, I think, you know what you say to her? You'd be like, listen,

I love the twins. And when I love something, like, they, you know, I put my all into it. And they come first. And so, you know, one day maybe I'll love you. And you'll get my whole heart. I don't think you're going to turn into a line

but you could I don't think most people would try that and do that but I think I think if you're just like look I really like you I really want to go to dinner with you I just can't do it Friday night what do you think is worse I think that you're good if you are

into the relationship like babe we gotta move plans I didn't know it was Friday night I think if it're good if you are into the relationship. Like, babe, we got to move plans. Yeah. I didn't know it was Friday night, right? I think if it's very, very early, I think that happens all the time. Hey, I got to reschedule, like, if it's a first date or something like that. Like, I don't think any either party is in a position to be, like, mad yet because it's that middle ground where you're kind of in trouble. Where it's like, this is new.

We're excited. Like, she has some expectations now. That's when I think you have to worry about how you posit this. I think – but I think no one would posit it just openly. Yeah. I think that's the problem. See, now, I mean, I remember specifically I blew off – we had to go – we were going to a play.

We were going to a musical. It was the Billy Joel musical. And the Red Sox forced Game 7 with the yankees and i was like this is like baseball history in 2004 yeah wow i was like you know i can't i can't risk i can't miss this and uh i mean you probably could have made the play because that game was over in fucking yeah i know i remember thinking like let's go anyway uh but it did not go well for me i was up front about it and it was i did it she you know quote unquote let me do it and but it was a thing you know it was like uh you gotta make this up to

you sort of bullshit so i i think there's every chance that you can run into a girl who like in the moment she might be like okay i understand but like you might be digging out of the doghouse a little bit but that's also listen that's part of life too i've said i've always said it i've i'm always in the doghouse it's just a matter of what size the doghouse is even now like i'm probably in the smallest doghouse i've had and i'm technically not even married anymore straight jacket yeah i i i am like i'm under they they they buried me in the doghouse i'm under the fucking dirt with a doghouse on top of me speaking of that real quick i'm sorry quick side note i saw on uh on reddit the other day it was one of the funniest clips i've ever seen and this is awful it's an awful

clip but it's a a man uh standing trial and he's getting his sentence and it's for killing his child oh jeez and oh boy it's like he gets like his last words or whatever and he's like he's like i did not do this this is like a bullshit bullshit, blah, blah, blah. I'm innocent. There's no proof. Whatever. And then the judge goes, okay, thank you. Before I do the sentencing, I'd like to ask your opinion. The man who did do this, what should his punishment be? He's like, bury him under the jail.

Go to jail forever. And the judge just interrupts him and goes, I sentence you to life in prison. Okie dokie. Sounds good. and it was the clip had this uh curb imagine it was very very funny i mean do you imagine if you were like i think he should get uh probation i think you should get community service. I believe in forgiveness, Your Honor. You got it. That's unbelievable. I'm sorry to interrupt you. But yeah, so my general point here is I think playoff baseball is important enough.

Yeah, if regular season game is different. Totally different. Other circumstances, I think sometimes you're going to have to, I think part of being in a relationship or dating is like, yeah, I'm going to miss that night with the boys or whatever. But playoff baseball, especially for a team like the Twins, doesn't come along very often, so you've got to cash in. And so I think you can be upfront about it.

But I think for the most part, you'll also be doing a little digging out, and I think that that's part of it. You know what? A situation arose – listen, I honestly – I hate it, but i also kind of get like a thrill out of it uh i'm like forever like how do i get out of this that's my whole life my whole life is just trying to get out of jams i am uh the david robertson of of life like you you bring me in with the bases loaded and nobody else i was thinking david robertson the admiral no no no the yankees reliever who like, they always brought him in, like in totally unfair circumstances

and he'd get a strikeout and a double play ball. And it's like, how the fuck did he get out of that? That's just me. I wake up every day and the bases are loaded with nobody out and I got to get out of it. And I like pride myself on trying to figure a way out. So me, I'd be like, all right, fuck.

What do I do? I got this cute girl. She's excited to see me. I don't want to be a dick and blow her off, but I got my team playing at the same time. What do I do? And I think cute girl. She's excited to see me. I don't want to be a dick and blow her off, but I got my team playing at the same time. What do I do? And I think part of it's you're going to have to be up front, but then you reschedule.

And the problem really here is that, like, not for the Twins because they're going to lose, but let's say this is a Yankees fan. It's like you got to basically reschedule until, like, November. You can't be like, all right, we'll do it on, like, Monday night. It's like, no, you're not because, like, they're, you know. But there are enough off days. You got to schedule it right.

You got to know what you're doing and then you gotta just maybe go the extra mile you go to a nicer place so you make sure you make it up to her uh i don't i think that's that's i think that's fair 99 of girls are gonna i'd say 90 are gonna be okay with it 10 are gonna be like a bitch some girls suck 90 are gonna be like okay with it but secretly like a little disappointed it's a point and that's fine you can be you're allowed to be disappointed that's fine and then there's that less than one percent fraction which apparently you have found i don't i don't i i'm afraid i'm afraid for you i think i think that's a long con by her she's she's she's got her own gimmick that she's running.

I'm going to let him fucking think he's all right, and then when he least expects it, I'm just going to fucking chop his dick off. Something's coming, John, because this doesn't make sense. You know what this is, by the way? This is our, I don't know, what, seventh or eighth maybe now? Rom-com movie. This is a movie script.

It'll be called The Truth or something like that. Or what's a euphemism that involves the word lie or truth or something like that. Like, you know, much like liar, liar. But something along those lines. Two truths and a lie or some shit like that. Honestly bad. Sure. Honesty is the best policy.

I don't know. Some shit like that. And it's going to be there's two guys. They always like schemed and scammed their way through life. And one is now deciding to go full-blown truth. And for some reason, it's like working. Like everybody. I love it.

Right? I love it. So girls are like responding to it at work. It's almost like office space. He's like, you know what? I don't want to come to work today. You get to promote. Yeah.

It is like that. Right. I've just started just being honest. Yeah. And what are the circumstances? I don't know. You're, you know, you got a pain in the wife, pain in the ex-wife. honest yeah like and and and i'm trying what are the circumstances i don't know you're uh you know you got a pain in the pain in the wife pain in the ass ex-wife and you're honest with her and she's now good to you and the new girl's responding boss at work loves it your friends are

like cool with you blowing them off you're just like you know what i don't want to go to that thing i'm not doing it and everybody loves it it's like the old schemer scammer is back there going like what the fuck how is this happening but then there's got to be some sort of like you know downfall before you pick it back up i don't know at some point you maybe you relapse into your old ways and you start lying again i don't know but i'm telling you that's a thing because it's so un it's it's hilarious how foreign of an idea this is it is like i'm just gonna tell you my feelings oh buddy i'm just i'm not gonna do it like I'm happy it's working out for you. There's no fucking chance I'd try to do this.

If you know me, I'm lying to you about the stupidest things. I am deathly afraid of telling you my real feelings at all times. Maybe it's the Irish in me. Maybe it's the Catholic in me. I don't know. I am not telling you my real feelings. It makes a lot of sense. I get it.

And by no means. I mean, I've done this for like a week. It's like it's not this fucking epiphany. It's like this new white mom. You've been doing it for years. I'm not trying to project it onto anybody. Maybe this is it. I'm like, honestly, it happened one time where I was like, wow, that really worked.

It just happened to be yesterday and it happened to coincide with this voicemail. It's not this huge thing. I would guess. I think that's a great sign that, you know, for your relationship that she's like, she gets it. Well, she always got it where it was. Tread lightly, my friend. It was almost like my mom taught her. Yeah. It was like when he gets three.

You know. Just pull the plug. And the phone call. So she'll do that. She'll be like, are you done with me i'm i'm i'm just coming from the so far the other spectrum that i i mean what you're telling me is like you know uh the sun like sun didn't come up in the morning it's like no this is just this is impossible like this is not a thing what do you mean good for you you found the uh you found like the i was gonna say the fountain

of youth but it's not that i don't know you found the thing someone who puts up about happiness i don't know no no not that i'm just gonna tell you what i what i really think i had uh i went to a baby shower this weekend and and the girl who uh a friend of mine who's having the baby she was like just like please don't don't like talk badly about this on your show. You know, just don't say anything bad about this baby shower. And I'm thinking to myself like, oh boy, you guys think that I'm like, like I'm constantly hiding my real feelings. You think that's like, I've talked about everything that I've disliked before.

Like, it could be way worse. This is a delightful time though. I think I'm over, uh, I think there was a time maybe a few years ago that I would have been like, oh, baby shower, like fucking chicks. Like guys don't need to do though. I think I'm over, I think there was a time maybe a few years ago that I would have been like, I have to go to a baby shower. Like, fucking chicks. Like, guys don't need to do that. I don't know. It was just a party.

Yeah. It was just like, I don't know. I go to a baby shower. Yeah. I mean, now if she like made us all sit down and like play the fucking newlywed game and do like baby shower things. I think anything can be fun if you fucking accept the fact that like you're going to be a little uncomfortable. It's going to be a little uncomfortable.

It's going to be a little outside. It's not exactly what you want to do. We went to, like, an amazing restaurant on Madison Avenue. Like, there was nothing to complain about. It was open bar at, like, a fucking very fancy spot. Free food and booze. That's quite nice. I almost, I mean, I wasn't dressed like a schlep, but I was like, Barney's was right upstairs.

And I was like, I think I got to go, like, change. I got to go, like, in a suit or something like that. But the highlight of the whole thing was right upstairs. And I was like, I think I got to go change. I got to go in a suit or something like that. But the highlight of the whole thing was a magician. Was a magician? A magician. She hired a magician. Her husband is into magic, so she hired a magician. She led with this.

Now I know, John. You're not a magician guy. But I'm telling you what this guy did. He was a mentalist, by the way. Not a magician. Worse. A mental magician. Worse. A mentalist. Way worse.

But John, when you see what he did. No, no, no, no. What he did was not magic. It was mentalists. He's not a magician. I know what you mean. It's like Job. It's not a trick.

A trick is something to hoard. It's an illusion. No, no. Everyone else who claims to be a mentalist, they're an asshole. This guy. You know what he did? He did. First of all, he did a card trick with me.

And I tried to be an asshole. Because he was blowing everybody away. I mean, people were ready to blow this guy on the spot. He was killing it. So I was like, I'm going to put him to the test. He's like, pulls fans of the deck out. He's like, take a card. I take three.

I just grabbed like a stack of them and tried to keep it like tight, you know? So I like show my card off and I put all three back in. Now he's a mentalist. He's a smart guy. He knows this. He obviously could tell I was like fucking with him. So he probably goes like, let me hit plan B. And he's like, is this your card?

And I'm like, nope, nope, no, it's not. Nope, nope. And he's like, fuck, really? And he's like is this your card and i'm like nope nope no it's not nope nope and he's like fuck really and he's like goes in his pocket he's that's when you know they got you yeah if they if they do a fuck really you're like oh boy he's like is this your card i'm like no no no what about this i'm like guys guys i got him i got him and he he digs all the way into his pocket and he pulls the whole deck out. And he's like, what? And he goes into the other pocket and it's in there. And I was like,

fuck, you got me! But that's just a card trick, right? Sleight of hand. When he was telling me to look at his pocket, he was doing some shit over here. That's where I was the idiot. Then he does these other tricks. He goes to the girl next to me and he was doing it to everybody, like, around the room. So there's no way that people are, like, in on this shit.

And he's like, take out your phone. And he goes, type in a phone number that you have memorized by heart. She types it in. I watch her type it in. And then she erases it. And he's like, give me the phone. And he takes the phone. He doesn't even do anything with the phone.

He just holds it. He guessed the number, the name of the person, and their birthday. What? He was like, is that Greg P? She's like, yeah. And his birthday is da-da-da-da? Yeah.

It's like, how is it possible? What the fuck? And so even that, I'm like, all right, I don't know. Maybe he is in on this. Maybe he did pick out five people, and it looks coincidental. The last trick I saw him do, he had two people stand. He did a couple, like, close your eyes, touch this, touch that, whatever. But the main trick, each had to hold their phone up with one hand,

and with the other hand, they put one finger up. And he touched their fingers together he grabbed their fingers and the phones called each other and then he let go of the fingers and the call dropped this is why i don't like these people i was like i i was about to be like okay the party's over we're going next door for a beer and you're fucking telling me how you did this because you don't understand sir you just like ruined my life like i'm never gonna think about anything other than this i haven't even done like a google search yet i'm sure i can figure this out i'm sure somebody out there has nitched right i don't know because you know why i can't figure it out because it's actual magic i mean it was magic yeah it was

my dislike for magicians doesn't come from a lack of belief i believe what they're doing is like crazy i just don't like it yeah because you just feel stupid right like like when when he's smirking at you and the whole crowd's oohing and on and they're kind of laughing at you because you're the butt of the joke in that moment it's just like i'm not me you're not gonna make me feel stupid not on my watch mentalist i want to bring him in here actually he's He's not cheap, though. I would imagine. He makes a good living. It was, speaking of all this, the latest make in the gambler, we do a hypnotist. Yeah, yeah, you were in the upside down. So you were in the upside down, but also the, but also it was like, it was like get out

meets the stranger things, right? Yeah, the upside down is just the easy thing to call it. It's definitely not the upside down. Well, you're in the black. It's all black. But my point of bringing this all up is hypnotists are definitely not real no hypnotists are very fake totally fake but and i'm the opposite of you where you're like i was trying to be an asshole i was like do it i didn't want to do it i just didn't want to make him feel bad

got it so like when he did when he put me out i like did like the fakest fall asleep of all time yeah it's hot but i did it like this and he had me like that for like 10 minutes i was like dude my neck you know i'm faking can you like at least like wake me up to move me again like i'm trying to help you here can you please move my goddamn it's funny that you said that because when i was trying to be a dick that you could see like my muscles pulsing your neck's like strained yeah your eyes kept like opening like looking at the camera it's hard to just sit there with your eyes closed if you if you don't like your body like wants to see you know what i mean right i can't like fake this much longer what's funny did you say you wanted to work with the guy because when i decided to be a dick when he first got the card wrong before i realized that he was like

fucking with me i immediately regretted it i was like oh no now what do I yeah when this guy's whole fucking thing because I'm an asshole not gonna work anymore he's gonna go home he's gonna work in fucking uber now uh yeah no I think hypnotism's fugazi I'm sure there's like better ones that can kind of put you into like a I think the the skill of a hypnotist is knowing which person will go along with it and which person is the best actor. Because he did it to Dan, and I was like – Dan pretended. I was like, dude, is that real? He's like, no.

I was like, you sold me. I think that you can do probably hypnotism in order – I bet you can help quit smoking. I bet you that kind of stuff is real. I asked him to do that. That was the one thing he didn't do. Stop doing that? I was like, can you sprinkle in some nicotine? No.

But yeah, I think that means if you put yourself in a meditative state and think pot, blah, blah, blah. I don't think you can turn someone into a chicken. That, I think, is silly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you can help them mentally. That makes sense. But you're not going to be like, yeah, I didn't know where I was for 20 minutes or whatever. I don't know.

Mentalists, hypnotists, all the ists, fuck them. Fuck them. Can I give us a quick shout out real quick yeah of course you can that's amazing what i mean that was that was a voicemail about the minnesota i know we we went on a journey there i'll tell you what nick i want you to cut that whole thing forever if we have like prospective clients or like show us what this show the main problem about kfc radio has always been like there's no central theme. The central theme is there is no central theme. Watch this.

Watch this go from a guy on a date when the twins are playing through baby showers and mentalists and magicians and hypnotists and meditation and telling the truth. Sports, yeah. Holy shit. That was amazing. You know what that was? Good for us. That was the podcast version of that one long shot in True Detective. When everyone goes like, they didn't even cut the camera once. Like, we didn't even segue once.

We didn't change gears. We didn't do an ad read. It was just all over. There's only two people here who can do that. That was fucking good stuff. Let's get back to our voicemails. Hey, what's up, boys? So I'm out right now.

It's my girlfriend's birthday tomorrow and i'm getting some shit ready uh to celebrate since past week you know getting gifts and blah blah blah reservations all that nonsense and it kind of got me thinking if you get could get a free pass get out of jail for your card or whatever you want to call it for one major like holiday or event in your life, what would you use it on? All right, thanks. Say it one more time. Sorry, I had to send this text. So you're going to get out of jail free card for?

Yeah, one holiday, one family event. Okay, so just something you don't have to go to anymore. Yeah. Forever again. I don't think I'd choose anything. I think this is almost exactly what we were just saying with like you that you had the baby shower was fun i was like there are a lot of things that you probably don't want to do and some of them you'll go and they'll suck and you're like i knew it almost like all the best moments of my life and like most fun things i've

had are like things i didn't want to do i didn't want to do that and you go i agree with that but that's usually more like going out like when i'm like i'm too tired like even like regular like they're more than just like a friday night like more than like you know like they're fucking like vacations i didn't want to right when you're just like i just want to pack and get on a plane and all that you just accept that like like look this is i don't know if i want to do this but there's also potential for a fucking awesome time yeah and if you're just like let's try it that works with just fucking fucking christenings like you're like like like you said if it was just

a regular party most things are just regular parties yeah if you accept the fact that it's a regular party some booze maybe you got to drive somewhere maybe you got to dress up a little more than usual i'm that's my my i think i said this recently too like traffic used to bother me and now it's just like i don't know it's gonna take two hours instead of one like oh fucking i don't care anymore right you know i'm like where where i'm going the party i'm going to is going to be somewhat fun if i was at home on the couch would be i don't know just to me it's just like whatever now i'm not gonna uh complain about these things but there's definitely things i don't know. Just to me, it's just like, whatever. Now I'm not going to complain about these things, but there's definitely things I don't want to.

I don't think I could. I could pick like a yearly thing. That's it. It wouldn't be like I don't want to get out of all christenings, but like there'll be a christening soon that I don't want to, you know, that would probably be the one like a baby. I think baby events when you don't have babies. Like if you're on, if you're going to have

kids that's why it came in my mind kid birthday mama godfather kids christian oh my god who did that who did that this is the craziest thing in the world who did that he's so cute i like i really like him don't do me a favor don't like call that kid your godson no i hate that well i will like jokingly yes fine jokingly but i know my godson awesome. My buddy in college used to be like, I got to go see my God daughter. Like, my God daughter this, my God daughter that. I'm like, that's not a real thing. You know what? I might do that.

No, don't do it. Don't do it. Because I think that. To be like, I'm the Godfather. Like, that's a big deal. Like, shut the fuck up. But I think it lends credence to why you're doing it. If you want to use it as an excuse, fine.

I don't know. No, I disagree. Because he used to kind of do that. Like, I can't because, like, I got to go see're doing it. If you want to use it as an excuse, fine. I don't know. No, I disagree, because he used to kind of do that, like, I can't, because I gotta go see my goddaughter. No, you don't. You're just like the creepy old friend who's hanging around. You don't need to be there. That's weird. Here's my issue with it. If I was the godfather

to one of my sibling's children, I'd say I have to go see my niece or nephew. Now I'm like, I gotta go see my buddy's kid. That's weird too. Guess what? You shouldn't be going to see him. Well, he's christening. So you gotta go to a christening. You don't have to like... Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to my godson's christening. I guess. You could just say you're going to a christening. It's in California. It's a lot. I'd use my get out of jail free. I would use my hall pass on this one. I mean, San Diego. Yeah, that's true.

When is that? Don't know yet, but soon. I got a text. It will be in the next few weeks. Oh, all right. Yeah, I think that right now, like I said, I'm used to it. I'm actually really hoping it ends up when we're in Sacramento. That'd be perfect.

Just pop down. Pop down. That'd be great. I feel like I'm at the point in my life where so many things I do that I don't want to do, that I'm just used to it, that I can't even think about. It's like, I don't know. If I had a get-out-of-jail-free, if I had one, it'd be like, I don't know,

I would just use it tomorrow because there's going to be something I don't want to do. I promise you, something's going to pop up real fucking quick. I mean, could you use it on the Monday after the Super Bowl? Could you be like, get-out-of-jail- a regular day yeah if we're talking if we're extending it to work i mean yeah then you could pick a day of the year all the time social events wise i don't think there's there's much that one little card's gonna gonna gonna cover last voicemail of the day before

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So go get your liquid death. Last voicemail. Let's do it. KFC fights Super Producer BC. My high ass fucked up that last one. So I'm just going to get right down to it would you rather only have access to music that was released

before you were born or only have access to the live music that was released on your birthday great question that's a really good question I think I think I need to adjust this a little bit. I think birthday is too easy.

I think that, I mean, then you take, for me, it's a no-brainer to take after my birthday. All my music, all my favorite music is from, like, the 90s on. I'm not missing out. I get all the new music that comes out, and I'm really not. So, like, I can't listen to, like, some Motown and shit like that, but I'm not, like not a huge classic rock guy. I think that if you told me if you pick all music going forward, meaning you get new music, or I have to give up music after I was like 10, something like that, that'd be tough.

You know what would be weird? Boston is historically white. No. So the athletic events represent such a fan base. And like Boston games are like notoriously old classic rock. So I think it would be weird. Like the whole world still hears that music. I just don't.

Right. So I think it would be weird being at Patriots games, being at Bruins games. Those two in particular are very classic rock heavy events. I love this, by the way. This is the new quiet stadium. It's a big classic rock event. It's basically a clan rally. So everyone's swaying, doing Sweet Caroline.

It's just silent. A lot of ACDC and Bruce. It's like if it was just like silent, like pre-pats kick off when they're doing like Crazy Train, I'm like, what is happening right now? It'd be weird. I think I would. So because of the in-stadium sports experience, you're going to make your music decisions?

Yeah. Well, I don't listen to a lot of music. I famously don't. I mean, you say that, but like you get gassed up every time a new album comes out a new single drops not so much yes you do I might listen to it on New Music Friday

once in fact I just created my first playlist ever think about that one summer think about the Despacito you're the one summer Memorial Day hit and like we were different people because of that song that summer like changed because of that song that'll never happen to you again you also gotta think about weddings and shit like that like a lot of classic rocks

gone yeah no shout none of like the jackson five medley that that goes down but the idea of like never hear hey do you hear that new album nope there are again but there are it's so rare that there is in a song or an album that i repeatedly listen to past its pop culture like agreed like relevance well like i i there are i just created a playlist or in my head i haven't physically done it yet but in my play and it was songs i actually like and it's just going to be like music i actually go listen to yeah and like because most of the time i just listen to new music friday once and that's about it yeah but that's the but your old music you go listen to. Yeah. And like, cause most of the time I just listen to new music Friday once and that's about it. Yeah.

But that's the, but your old music, you still listen to. I did it when I blogged Sturgill Simpson. There, there are five albums that I go back and listen to. Like once, once the,

the, the scuttlebutt about it has, has died down and it's three are Sturgill and then it's Franston lights, farewell starlight and Paul Williams, uh, surf music. Such a weird list. It's a weird list. It's weird music.

It's different. So what are you picking then? Forget about the sports thing for a second. The sports are a huge thing. Forget about that, though. We're just talking about music and parties. Because you don't go to that many games. I go to a lot of games.

Do you? How many games mean you don't go to that many games I go to a lot of games do you? how many games a year do you go to? I probably go to three Patriots games a year 15 Bruins games really?

still? when you're in New York? yeah but even still we're talking about 18 like days out you're gonna decide

your music forever? nah I mean it's crazy but yeah it's insane but if you're thinking about but I mean, it's crazy. Yeah, it's insane. But I don't listen to enough music outside of it. Also, by the way, not that the radio is important now, but you couldn't

just put on the radio anymore if you're doing new music. I don't listen to it. The thing is, it's not a huge selling point of the sports, but it's just the biggest one. I'm pretty quiet. If I gave up before my birthday, the things I would miss, forget about rap music.

Rap music before my birthday was like three songs. It's like Sugar Hill Gang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hip, a hop, a hippity, a hippity, a hippity, a hippity, a hippity, bop, bop, bop, bop. So as a rap guy, that doesn't affect me much i would lose like some a lot of springsteen songs a lot of billy joel songs and like the motown type shit i'm not a huge classic rock guy and and those guys like there are billy joel songs and billy and bruce songs and the shit

after my birthday so like i i think it's much harder if you change it to you know what do we always say what like the i think it's like when you're 14 when you're eighth grade i think it is it's like your musical prime if that's the cutoff i think that's a much different story because now like now you're taking all the rap music that i like grew up on yeah if i lose my punk rock i lose take off your pants and jacket i mean take off your pants and jacket is the only reason i am like who you are right so if that's the case you gotta go pre pre that date but if it's birthday i think that's too easy but if it's your musical prime date if we're talking like eighth grade you're still giving up a lot and i don't like the idea of never hearing new music

but i you know there's a reason why i like the old kanye yeah that sort of shit i think i would take in in that case i I have to take new music. I have to take whatever keeps me blank. Blank and... Yeah, so you're taking the old music then. Fall Out Boy. Keeping the old music. Yeah, I need the mid-2000s punk rock. And you can always...

Yeah, maybe you miss a new release, but you can always go back and you know you got a hit to play. What if you don't like any new music that comes out ever again? Yeah, there's no guarantee you will. Yeah, right. So you got to play the classics. Play the hits.

Let's talk to our girl Nikki Glaser now. She's got a new special out on Netflix. Banging. It is so fucking funny. Let's get into it with her. It's brought to you by Lightstream. I have credit problems. I'm in so

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Offers are subject to change without notice. Visit lightstream.com slash KFC for more information. Nikki Glaser, let's talk to her. You're like sports Anthony Jeselnik. Kind of. We don't really talk about sports anymore. No, you don't? Well, that's what I think of when I come here.

It doesn't make sense. Do you look like him? No. I's what I think of when I come here. No, that makes sense. Do you look like him? No. But I guess I'll take it. I can see that. Yeah, I see it. Yeah, I mean, Chaz looks prettier than you are. I'll predict.

I'll do you by the end of it. I don't know if people like being told what they look like. I never play that game. Really? I mean, guys. But Anthony just looks hot. So it's like, that's a covert compliment. Tom Brady's Down Syndrome brother.

What? I don't really see that at all. Why Down Syndrome? Because I'm not as hot as Tom Brady, but I'm like the store version. So you got to throw in Down Syndrome? Yeah. Okay. Are we taping already?

Is this it? Yeah. Is this on? Oh, my God. I feel on. Nikki Glaser's here. Hello. Your special is so fucking funny.

Oh, my God. It ruined everything for me. Really? He's very, he had a very visceral reaction. I mean, like I don't ever want to get a blowjob ever. Really? Because you,

you, it was, thank you. You said, I think I'm doing this. That's the effect you have on men here. I was walking to work today, watching it.

And I was on the old walk and work, watching Netflix on the ride. I know I've done it before too, where you're literally watching someone special because you have to interview them that that day and you're walking away and you wait until the last second. That's why I like interviewing people who also do interviews and have their own show because you get it. You understand. Oh, my God.

Even people you want to see. It's a chore to have to watch it. Whatever people... I'm grateful that you guys watch it because I can't watch comedy specials even of my friends. Really? Why is that? I wouldn't go watch my friends. I don't watch anything, to be honest with you.

I literally just watch Instagram and like Reddit videos I don't have the patience for anything narrative I don't watch anything so I'm always like very thank you for watching it get back to me ruining well I was surprised you don't know what part he's about to say

because there's one part that's just absolutely fucking vile and ruined and disgusting oh I know okay yes I remember now you're talking about gum and you I know. Because there's one part that's just absolutely fucking vile and disgusting. Oh, I know. Okay, yes. I remember now. You're talking about gum and you're like, the texture is like a homeless guy's loogie. It's a bum's loogie. Jesus Christ. It really is. I never want to cum again.

It's the perfect description for what it is. And it's wild, though, because I just needed to break it down for people because it is something. And you know what? I think that a lot of times guys don't, I've discovered this new thing where guys don't eat pussy as much as girls suck dick. Like it's not even. And it really should be even if we're really like, like feminism is like equality.

I think we should get our pussies even a lot more than we're big because I noticed it recently when I went to like a dinner with my friends And one of my friends is dating this guy. And she's like, every time we hook up, he goes down on me. And we were all like, get it? We like, cheers. She got a promotion. And it's like, why are we celebrating? Every time he should at least try to.

Sometimes maybe you don't want it. But as a girl that's single, blowjobs are not an option. They're not optional. That's a prerequisite going into a hookup like i i don't get to be a single girl hookups right no i don't get to be a single girl hooking up and not sucking dick you only get to stop sucking dick when you get married well wait yes that's the only time uh but you're talking about like the like the pre-game like not like blow it to completion just like i'm gonna blow you a little bit before we have sex just like you should eat a puss

well are you guys eating our pussies well listen I can only speak for myself I'm always gonna go go give you a little treatment because by the way it's so hard to make a girl come with just your dick it's attached to your hips I have these fingers and a mouth that I can do things

with your dick it's like how am I supposed to fucking do this you're so right It's like, how am I supposed to fucking do this? You're so right. You're so right. That's why I like when guys literally use like dildos. Yes. Because they can manually operate one of those. I'm so into that.

Even if it's like bigger than your dick, who cares? Or if it's the same size as your dick, who cares? You're the one operating it and doing things I can't do to it to myself. And wouldn't it be easier to hammer a hammer with your hand than with your hip? Listen, I have no rhythm. It's like dancing. It's like, get the fuck out of here. I'm supposed to unlock the hardest secret in the world with something attached to my hips? Yes. Agreed.

God, where were we on that one? I just really I think, guys, and I'm one of these By the way, we have our monthly meeting. The guys get together and we're like, make sure they suck our dick and don't go down on them. And then we all agree to it. It feels like that. I haven't been attending these meetings. I've we all agree to it to keep suppressing. I've definitely eaten pussy way more than I've had my dick sucked. You really do? I actually can too.

I'm so glad to hear that. I bet it's over two and a half. Yeah, I think it might be you. I think you're the problem. Do you? Do you eat pussy? How often do you eat pussy as compared to what you receive? There's definitely an uneven ratio.

Thank you. You receive more? Yeah. All right, well, still, it's two. You're fucked up. They say no more often than I think you're giving credit. And that's what I want to address. You're absolutely right.

A lot of girls, this is perpetuated by a lot of girls. First of all, it's perpetuated by, number one, girls being insecure about their vaginas. Yes. And we are already insecure about what you might say about it or what you might tell your guy friends about it. Because I've even been a guy friend and heard a guy disparage a vagina around me and it makes you feel insecure and you're like I'm never did I tell that story in my special? Yeah I was going to say

I'm pretty sure you have a gross voice I don't remember if it made the cut but yeah so when you hear that you just but this is the thing about guys going down on you sometimes and I did this for many years and still have insecurities about my

vagina every time i hook up with a guy i'm kind of like oh my god is it gonna be okay which it's never not been but it's still an anxiety of mine even though i'm like love your pussy it's it's hard but when a guy goes down on you you think girls say they don't like it but really what they're avoiding is you being face to face with it where you can really see it and like it's scary it is a little scary. It's scary. Girls go, oh, I don't like that. Guys get in their head that girls don't like it. We all like it. We're all just scared you're going to be

down there with a jeweler's goggle examining it and judging it. Then guys go, girls don't like it so they don't do it. But also eating pussy sometimes isn't great. I will acknowledge that. Well, it's harder.

It's harder than a blowjob. I would imagine. I think it's harder to figure out. Be good at going down on a girl. Like a blowjob is. And both of them have their like intricacies. But like for the most part, you know, you bob up and down. Yeah, you're right.

And you fucking spit on it. And like just like jam it down into your stomach basically. All the way down your stomach. And we'll be happy. Girls in general are just always harder to figure out i would agree with you because i haven't eaten pussy but like i don't want to because i i'm so scared i'd be bad at it because it does seem very difficult to do i know what i like but that's not none of it's rocket science yeah it's but but in general like i said just rub your face in it yeah i kind of just like yeah like i always say like you ever seen like taking your dog for a walk in the summer and In general. Like I said, just rub your face in it. Yeah, I kind of do that. Just rub your face in it.

Yeah, like I always say, like, you ever seen, like, taking your dog for a walk in the summer, and he comes home, and it's just like, like, lapping at the bowl? Like, basically just do that. Yes. Like, be a dog who just came home from a July walk. You know what it is? It's the hunger for it. It's the thirst for it.

Yes. It's the enthusiasm. Pant on that pussy. Pant on it. If you're down there and just ravenous, we're actually providing you sustenance that's so hot. This is your meal for the day. This is all you get to eat today.

You're on the Atkins diet and this pussy is carbs. You just fucking devour it. You just broke your fast. This is cheat day on my pussy. It helps the whole seeing it up close too because your eyes are closed. Have you ever like done like the spread and it's like, oh not for me.

Yes. What do you mean? Like when porn gets too intense, when porn, like the pre show of porn, she's like opening it and they're like zooming in and I'm like, nope. When they're doing speculums?

Well speculums we get in. Let's not get crazy. Do not need to see it. When they're doing speculums. Well, speculums would get in. Let's not get crazy. Speculums are pretty cool. Wait, why? What is about speculums that is hot? I really want to understand because I'm into some freaky shit. But there's always speculums thrown into the porn that I like. And I'm like, I don't need that.

That's what I say. I don't like the speculum itself. But I like watching a porn where they would use a speculum. The people who would do it and the girls who are down for it are my kind of people. What is it about it? It's just like having your hole just open for a long time?

What's hot about it? Can we examine what's hot about it? Hole open for a long time? That's it. That's what a speculum does, right? It just keeps the hole open longer or wider? You know what it is? Here's the difference between a pussy and an asshole. I think I know. The openness.

I don't want to see an open pussy. I don't know why. But an open butt is like that girl's slut who does a lot of butt stuff. Yes. But an open pussy is like that just a little bit. Okay, so we're not talking speculums and vagina. I've moved around the corner. Okay.

Agreed with you. Okay, because that's usually what they're using a speculum for. I will, I am a huge, like, I'm into all anal porn. Like, I don't even want a pussy in my porn. Like, if girls are getting it from the front, I'm just, like, not interested. I'm like, how pedestrian. What are you, a child? What are you, in seventh grade?

I've always gotten mad about stuff like that with, like, you know, the, what's her name? What are you in 7th grade? I've always gotten mad about stuff like that What's her name? No no no The one She has the fucking show on Complex She's like Indian or something like that Mia Khalifa I've always said she doesn't count as a porn star

Because if you haven't done anal you're not a porn star Oh wow You're a porn actress perhaps if you haven't done anal, you're not a porn star. Oh, wow. You're a porn actress, perhaps. You've participated in porn. You're not a porn star. Have you guys done anal? Is it something that interests you in your own sex lives? It is.

And what about you? What is your name again? I'm so sorry. John. It's not a huge thing. I prefer in porn than in real life. Yes, but in real life, it's still something you'd like to explore. I'm not going to turn it down. I'm not going to say no to you. Yeah, I'm not like one of those guys at dinner being like, oh, so can we do anal tonight or whatever?

If it happens, it happens. I feel the same way. I'm kind of known for being into anal because I did a Netflix special where I talked about it for the whole thing. Like legit, like too long. And people know me as that but I'm like no that's something I do like occasionally in a relationship but it's like so hot

but it's not like an everyday thing and it's not something I'm doing willy nilly I also think once you've checked it off enough you realize it's alright I've done it it all feels better normal and it's easier and yeah i've already done around like a vibe in a relationship where like you've kind of maybe just gotten into a

fight recently there has to be some kind of like energy to it makeup anal of like because when you and i think what you guys are getting at is like you just said if a girl has a speculum in her ass um she's clearly a huge whore right uh yes a huge okay so there's like a just a depraved don't accidentally end up in your ass i have never encountered anyone who has had a speculum in their ass it's exclusively porn yeah i mean i've never had one in my ass i don't even know where you get a speculum i mean you go to the doctor store i'm sure you could get one on Amazon. We could have one on Prime in two days. Two hours these days. A drone will fly in there and drop it right into your ass. The drone will actually fuck you

if you want. It'll unpackage it for you. But I think there's like, that is the thing that I'm I think it's the thing that I'm into about it is that you're clearly, you're the biggest whore that could ever be. Could ever be.

If you have a dick in your ass. It's like and I and this sounds weird, but like and I'm trying to not be sexual about this because I don't want to turn anyone on because it's we're all like playing with this thing. That ship has sailed. I know. When I talk about this stuff, I'm like, oh, God. I can't even stand up from my chair right now. And I don't want to be that comic that's like turning people on with my comedy. But it's interesting to talk about these things because I do want to explore like why is it that certain people are into these things.

And I think that I just grew up so prudish. I was so scared about sex. I felt so like I didn't have sex until I was 21. I didn't kiss a boy until I was like 16, 17. I was just scared of boys. And I was like, I'm never going to have sex. I'm 21 i didn't kiss a boy until i was like 17 16 17 i was just scared of boys and i was like i'm never gonna have sex i'm never gonna do any like it's i was just i'm still i'm still so scared of like even making out with a boy yet i've done anal so it doesn't really make sense go zero zero hundred there huh babe yes yes i like the idea of holding hands with a guy is like

way way harder for me to imagine than having anal sex with someone that I care about. But I think that the anal thing, it's like yours. When I've done it before, I'm like, I'm the whore that I always never thought I could be. I just feel like. Achieve your dreams. You can too. I can do anything. Like I am so disgusting.

But I know I'm not. Yes, that's the thing. In that moment, the best thing in the world is, like, a girlfriend slut. Right? It's like, you're loyal, and we're happy, and it's all good. But when we're in the bedroom, you're like, put a speculum in my ass. That's the holy grail. That's what everyone's looking for.

I remember my ex one time looking at me and just being like, you're a fucking slut. Yes. And I'm like, I know. And he's like, what's wrong with you? And I'm like, I don't know. Like, it's so empowering to be a slut. And it's really something that doesn't come naturally to me. Like, I'm not good at being a slut, like, out and about.

Like, I'm not one of, I can't wear, like, slutty things out free. Like, some girls just have their ass cheeks hanging out at Starbucks. Yeah. And I just, like, admire it, but I can't do it. Yeah, but you know what? I feel like those are the girls who are phony. You know what I mean? I'll let my ass cheeks hang out, but I won't put a smack in my ass.

Yeah. Prudes. But they also... I think most guys would prefer the modest... Yeah, that's like the classic lady in the streets freaking the sheets. It's not as easy as you think. Speaking of sheets, I mean, that was disgusting. That part should not have made the cut.

Oh, wait, what was the... Oh, yeah, where I tucked the sheet in my vagina. I mean, first of all, the grossest thing of all was when you referred to yourself as Glazed Dog. I was like, oh, my God. Glazed Dog. Dude, she said it's like a stalagmite of pussy. Yeah, paper mache.

Paper mache. She says it's a Biore strip. Yeah of like pussy. Yeah, paper mache. Paper mache. She says a Biore strip. Yeah, yeah. And then you have to peel it off because you were sloshing around. Oh my God, you memorized it. Yes. Okay, when you get sloppy, sloppy wet when you're a girl and after you have sex, you go to bed wet.

If you don't go pee first, which sometimes you don't, you can't wipe up, and then you're just sloshing around and I don't want to, so I tuck the sheet. Every girl has done it. I'm the only girl that admits it. That's a girl move. And if you're not, you're getting so many yeast infections. And then she called them yeasties. Girls know what I'm talking about.

Do you ever hear infection? Yeasties. It's playful. My yeasty. I'm so far removed Ugh, yeast is a top word. It's playful, yeah. My yeasty. I mean, those were... I'm so far removed from that special, though. Like, I'm already on to, like... That was in May, and I'm already like,

you know what? Actually, I kind of... I want girls to come a lot, and I'm glad that I said, like, hey, get the womanizer, get a thing that sucks your clit, ask guys to suck your clit, come, come, come.

But I haven't had an orgasm in like two months, and I'm living my best goddamn life. I swear to God. And I haven't had sex since early June. But that's different than having an orgasm. Yeah, having an orgasm. Probably over two months. I don't care to

if I'm not doing it regularly. It doesn't occur to me. I still get turned on. I'm confused. Why would you just do it regularly? Because doesn't occur to me. I still get turned on. What? I'm confused. Why would you just do it regularly? Because it takes a lot of work for me to come. I also feel like sometimes I, like,

the porn I'm watching kind of grosses me out now, so I really, I don't have a guy right now that I'm crazy enough about to, like, think about. Wait, so are you still watching porn? You watch porn but don't cum? I'm not watching porn anymore either like i'm not trying to not come i'm just like not even trying and um but last night i actually did uh like hook it up and um right before i came i just like stopped and i was like yeah i'll just harness that energy see that's the difference between guys and girls uh we can we can all talk all we want about it. You like sex, we like sex, sex is all sex. I mean, if a guy didn't come for two months, I think I would die.

I think I would die. I don't know that that's true. I want to see what would happen. It's one of those things where it's like, we don't want to test it. We can't even. I can't make it two days. Kevin would just kill a cab driver. Yeah, there would be mass murders. There would be bad decisions being made. We had a kid here, Bob Fox. He was an intern.

And for some reason we made him not come. Luckily we got this out of the way before Me Too, but it was like, you're not allowed to come. Every day we did our show, we had a graphic on screen that said, has not come in 19 days, 20 days. And he got to like 21

days and he had his little 18-year-old face on the fucking graphic. We were using a 19-year-old intern demanding what he does sexually. He was super inappropriate thank god he was a guy but he just eventually came like in his room at night oh yeah you have nocturnal emissions I think because like our bodies will be like what are you trying

I'm dying to have one of those like that's what I'm waiting for I almost had one on a plane last night too I was like kind of meditating and just got so turned on that I was like I gotta stop like I'm literally gonna like yeah I've actually had an orgasm. I was like kind of meditating and just got so turned on that I was like I gotta stop. Like I'm literally gonna like yeah. I've actually had an orgasm while I was sleeping on a plane before. I think that was the last time. I feel like that's like a night terror

where you just like wake up and you don't know what's happening. Well yeah you wake up and you're like was I making noise? Like what? Because you don't know what sounds you were making but the people next to you are shifting weirdly in their seats so you can only imagine. Yeah I just like I read this book about how like orgasms make you depressed as a woman. And how it makes.

Wait, just a woman. It makes, well, it causes. It would make a lot of sense for us. Well, it makes you get depressed too. No wonder I'm so fucking depressed. You get anxious and the only way to cure your anxiety is to masturbate again. So it's kind of like smoking cigarettes. Like when I don't masturbate, I don't need to masturbate.

But if I'm masturbating, I'm like, I need to. Like you're. Really? I'm reading this book about it, but I'm done. For now, I'm done coming. I don't know when I'm going to next. So you're just retiring from coming. I can still have sex.

And I can still have a good time. But coming, it's just like, it's like doing a whip it. It's too much on your brain, and I get depressed the next day. What if you find a guy, you're hooking up with him, and he's great in bed, would you stop him? From making me cum? Yes.

Let's say all of a sudden you're like, wow, this guy's the best I've ever had in bed. I might not be able to help it, because sometimes when I get so turned on, I won't be able to help it. But I would go in trying to not cum, yeah. That's crazy. See, that's why girls are a pain in the ass. If I ever find out that one of you bitches are actively working against me making you come, then that's going to be a problem.

No, no, no, I would tell you. I would tell you. But that's the thing. That's the beauty of this because imagine going into a hookup scenario where I don't want to come and it's not riding on me coming at all. You can just do whatever you want.

There is no pressure. I'm going to enjoy myself and there is no pressure to make me come because I actually don't want to. I think this is the long con. I think that's what she's doing. It's not a long con. I think she wants to come, and she's saying that to make a guy be like, relax. I'm on to you, Nikki Glaser.

I'm not. I swear. This is reverse psychology bullshit. Listen, this is all me. That would make me more relaxed. That would probably work. It actually does work. There's a book I'm reading called –

Fuck your books. I know. I read so many books. Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, and it's about the orgasm and the male orgasm. While the female orgasm makes you depressed and more anxious and makes you clingy afterwards, it's our way – because orgasms used to, when we were like in tribes thousands of years ago the orgasm was the end of a relationship between two human beings there was no reason for any hanging out to happen after that no cuddling um and and even coming with a girl twice was pointless because you had your

seed to spread the harsh winter's coming um everyone in your tribe is ovulating you gotta go fucking fuck someone else you can't get a woman pregnant twice so literally to come with a woman twice was you were your body is instantly almost repulsed by a woman you just came with to make you go find something new and so you guys coming actually

makes your relationships with us like a lot harder for you than if you weren't like I'm kind of interested in my next relationship I don't want the guy to come but he can go come with other girls but not with me like, a lot harder for you than if you weren't. Like, I'm kind of interested in my next relationship. I don't want the guy to come, but he can go come with other girls. But not with me. That's my new, that's my, I think I'm going to try that. So we're, I mean, just to break it down, like, we're cool with anal,

we're doing speculums, you can fuck other girls, and I don't even have to worry about making you come? And you are a single Nikki? Listen, I am very, very picky, but I think that's kind of, because I'm already into that already. Like, I like when guys, like, hook up with other girls and tell me about it. And Dr. Drew says it's because I'm sad and I don't have good self-esteem. But I'm just turned on by it.

Fuck off, Dr. Drew. I can't help it. People like what they like. That's funny, too, because, like, that's not from an episode or something. Dr. Drew just told you that. That was from your session. He legit, he told, he came on my every time i hang out with dr drew it turns into a session and he's like so i gotta go and i'm like um you need to like stitch this up and do i owe you like he leaves me like an open wound i did his show and

he's like yeah you're um he i mean he's he's a couple times left me with some diagnoses where i'm like i need to get my life together but he told me that that that me wanting my to hear about my boyfriend hooking up with other people was like me not feeling like i'm enough and he made me like look at him and go you're enough nikki you're enough and i'm like listen it's not your fault i know i know did you cry no later did you come but i uh no i did i just feel like i it's not like i'm doing it because i'm like i'm not enough well kind of me part of me is like I want a guy I'm with to like get different like girls off and have different experiences. Not because I can't provide that. A reason being I can't provide it.

But like what I guess with like with friends, we don't get jealous if our friends have lunch with another friend. My best friend has lunch with another girl. I'm not like I feel like it makes have lunch with another friend. My best friend has lunch with another girl. I'm not like... It makes her less of my friend. Why do we have the capacity to have... And I'm not saying have a relationship with another girl. I don't want them to have intimacy. But get a fucking blowjob

and tell me about it later. Go off, queen. Ladies, are you listening? Are you listening? I would never in a million years do that just because I'd be like, she's trying to pull I know everyone's a trap. And I thought it was too for a while. I was like, what?

Cause like, I mean, I've told this story before, but I was dating this guy and I kept wanting to hear about his past hookups. I'd be like, it would be like foreplay for me of like, what did you do with this girl? Where'd you guys go? How'd you guys start making out? I feel like that's a thing though. It's hot. Fuck porn and weird shit.

Not for me, but I'm saying. I don't want to be in the corner like, I can't get out. Fuck me. Don't fuck her. I want to just like hear about it. So he eventually ran out of stories to tell me. Like he only had so many. So I was like, you know, make some.

Like, yeah. And he was like, you don't know if you want that. And I was like, I think I do. And if I don't like, well, it's just like, just make out with another girl. And then he did that. And I was like, I do and if i don't like well it's just like just make out with another girl and then he did that and i was like i loved it i wasn't like tell me what she looked like and was this like like uh you knew it was happening like all right we're not hanging out on thursday because you're gonna be with that other no he was on like a bachelor party weekend and he was like listen if it's gonna happen it's gonna be this weekend do i have your permission i was like yes like it was like we were both in on it and then he didn't tell me about it

until the next time i saw him when we were, like, hooking up. Like, we went to, like, I picked up at the airport. And we both knew something probably happened. But we spent the whole brunch just talking about his trip, nothing else. And then as soon as we started hooking up, he was like, and do you want to hear what happened? I was like, yes. And it was so awesome. It was so good.

I am so uncomfortable even hearing about this. Really? Let alone being involved in it. I don't need it, but it was a fun thing. It's funny. It's just like people are not used to this, right? It's just like monogamy or whatever and the way people are thinking about hookups. He's mine.

I get to have brunch with him. This bitch doesn't. What if she's like super hot? Good. Better? Better. Go get hotter than me. She's not going to be funnier. Fuck Dr. Drew. Yeah, I feel super secure. And if you want to go be with her, then you should be with her.

I don't want to stop you. I think that so many times, are you checking out her tits? Getting jealous of your guy looking at someone else? You're keeping him in a cage. He's going to resent you. I agree with that strongly. And just because you look at tits doesn't mean you're going to

leave me. And if because you look at tits doesn't mean you're going to like leave me for the, that's, and if you were, go. Also, go. If that's going to like, yeah,

I mean, they're in your face. If a girl blows you in the back of a comedy club, so let's say I'm dating a comedian and he gets a blowjob on the road. He's, I've never known a guy

to get a blowjob in the back of a comedy club from a fan and be like, I need to start a life with this woman. Ever. She's still coming home to you. Listen, I'd have a couple husbands get a blowjob in the back of a comedy club from a fan and be like, I need to start a life with this woman. Ever. She's still coming home to you.

Listen, I'd have a couple husbands by now. It doesn't work. Do you think it's because you're successful, too? I think. Are you rich? Yes. Yeah. Well, rich.

So, like, if you're, like, a rich, successful chick. I just got rich. And by rich, I mean, like, I've I've got like oh you know I'm just now very very comfortable but um I think that my success has hurt me because I don't have a social life I don't have like downtime really and so it's been hard for me to meet a guy and my career like comes first so I just and I'm closed off emotionally and I'm not coming at all. Work that one at your next event. That one's free, Nikki.

Thank you. I think that has something to do with it. I'm exploring it now because I'm like but I also have this thing of liking unavailable men, men I can't get and I think that even when I think they're available like in the past I've gone for guys with girlfriends. That was in my early 20s and then I was going for guys that were long distance. And I was like,

okay, still unavailable, at least single. That's an improvement. You're still in the right direction. Long distance relationships are the best relationships in the history of the world. I agree with you. I think it's such a... Are you in one right now? Yes. And it's like, how far is the distance? Not far, Boston. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. And how long have you been

seeing each other? Depends how you... One to three other depends how you one to three years oh one to three years okay so three years here's why it's working this is crazy we just talked about this before you came in he'll be on the phone with her right cause there's gotta be a lot of phone time and he'll just be like I don't wanna talk anymore

I'm done and they hang up and she's like okay I'm so happy that you're honest with me and self aware and all that I love it too I just happy that you're honest with me and self-aware and all that. He thinks it's cool. Love it. I love it too. I just think that you found the only one.

No, you're not. You didn't find the only one. If you have an honest relationship and someone who is healthy and doesn't take everything personally, you can understand that someone doesn't want to talk anymore. It's not like, it's because he doesn't like me. It's because he doesn't want to talk to anyone anymore. What you're saying is perfectly logical. The problem is you hoes are not logical. No, we're not.

We're not. And we take everything personally. And it's because we get crazy after we have sex with you. When your penis is in us. You guys get crazy and we get disinterested. That's a recipe for disaster. It is. And we get crazy because we also want to get the fuck away from you after an orgasm.

We just don't know how to do it. Well, we figured out a way subconsciously to do it, and it's to get clingy. Why would we do the one thing that pushes men away no matter what? Over and over, why would we be biologically wired to do it? It's because we don't want to get fucked by you anymore either because it doesn't make sense biologically to come from the same guy twice. Can't get double pregnant, folks. You can't get a co-pregnant twice. We're pushing you away by being clingy.

You're pushing us away by wanting to go By the way, clingy doesn't work for me. I like clingy. You like clingy. I don't think you've experienced full-blown clingy. Clingy is different than like, if you want someone to be clingy, then it's just good. You want them around. It's when you don't want them around and they're like... I've been the clingy

girl that guys don't want around. It's so humiliating't want them around. I've been the clingy girl that guys don't want around. It's so humiliating because you don't see it until later. You look back at yourself like, what was I doing? That's so humiliating. I try not to be now. Everything in me tries not to be clingy. It is my...

I don't want to be a nag and I don't want to be clingy and I don't want to be a tease. Those are all my things. I like all those things. He's also psychologically fucked. A tease works. A tease, you should want to be a tease as a girl.

Like you said, it's like when we're chasing you we're nice and sweet and I think we're in love. We're so good. Before we fuck you, we are the best. I don't think some girls get that. You never get to cum. That's why, like, my next relationship, he's not gonna cum with me. He can go cum with other girls,

but you will always want me. And I know it's manipulative, but it's like, I want to keep the romance and the spark alive. I don't, that's the best part of a relationship is in the beginning when you can't get enough of each other. I just don't want to lose that. I also think that, I don't think girls get that there is it's like i'm i'm sorry i didn't know i was gonna be like this after i fucked you like i thought you were i thought i was in love

with you i really did i thought you were awesome and then i fucked you and i'm like oh this is it feels different now i'm sorry thank you for saying that it looks like then it looks like i i like did that on purpose it's like i swear to god i didn't and that's i love that you just said that because that is the number one point I want to make. Because a lot of this can seem like men just like abandon us after sex. They don't mean to. I have been abandoned by men who truly liked me before sex. Like really wanted a relationship.

Got me. Thought I was cool. Talking to you. Everything. And then he came. And everything changed. And it's because they have weird issues around sex and intimacy, but also the coming thing of wanting to flee.

And they shift afterwards. And I can see, I mean, one guy hurt me so much and he's such a nice guy, but he couldn't help how he felt afterwards. He wanted to run the fuck away from me. And I, because we had sex, wanted more than anything to be closer to him. So like you said, and I hated him so much.

And now I'm able to have a little bit of empathy for a situation because he didn't want to not like me. He didn't want to lie to me. He gave him a bad blowjob. That was it. I mean, it could have been that. No, yeah, but it's not lying. It's not lying if it's genuine. I'll go for years.

I'll just pretend to keep liking you. No. I genuinely don't like you anymore. I feel bad about saying that. No. So I'm just going to like liking you I genuinely don't like you anymore I feel bad about saying that so I'm just going to act like I like you for a long time it doesn't have to be that or ghosting us because I think it is that

a lot of times guys will just continue it to be nice or they'll completely ghost because they don't want to send the wrong message of I want to be your boyfriend so I'm not even going to check in on you the next day meanwhile we just swallowed your cum less than 24 hours ago. Bum's loogie. You just swallowed a bum's loogie consistency of cum, and then you feel the next day, you're

just like, wow, he doesn't like me anymore, and I just did so many filthy things. It just feels shitty. I wish guys would not slow fade and go as much. I know, but it's shitty on both sides. It is. I don't want to feel this way. God just feels shitty. I wish guys would not slow-fade and go as much. I know, but it's shitty on both sides. It is. I don't want to feel this way. God, it sucks. What do you do with that? It's tough. Fake it. Fake it for a long time.

Do you fake it? Have you had girls that the next day are like, oh my god, he's my boyfriend? No, but it... I've never had that happen. Really? I think that's like a stereotype. The next day a girl thinks you're dating or something like that. I felt it. Really? And I'm not stupid. There's been happen. I've never had that happen. Really? I think that's like a stereotype. Like the next day a girl thinks you're dating or something like that. No, it's, I, I felt it. Really?

And I'm not stupid. Like I've, there's been times where I've like made a guy wait a little bit. And then as soon as I'm like, okay, I'm ready to like seriously hook up the next day. I'm like, okay, we're doing this. Right. And I didn't get any commitment from him. And he, I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. You held my hand when you walked me to the elevator.

You didn't go to the lobby to see me out, but you walked me to the elevator and you held my hand. I thought about you meeting my hand when you walked me to the elevator you didn't go to the lobby to see me out but you walked me to the elevator and you held my hand I thought about you meeting my parents you've met them in my mind and I couldn't wait for it I couldn't wait for Christmas it's so fucked maybe this not coming thing is the way to go it just makes life so complicated

it's pretty good the idea of it so far I'm intrigued by it. What about... Because I'm just, like, so... I got so many guys coming at me right now, too, dude. Oh, just fighting them off with a stick, Nikki Glaser. Because this is all I talk about on my...

Really, it's crazy. Like, I got what I wanted. Hot guys want to fuck me. It's all I wanted. I wanted hot guy validation. And then you got it, and it's not that much. And now I don't want to fuck anyone. It's like an episode of Black Mirror.

It's, like, all you ever wanted, and then you got it, and you're like, oh, wait, it's not. It's like an episode of Black Mirror. It's like all you ever wanted and then you got it and you're like, oh wait, it's all cracked up to be. It isn't because I made a whole special about like no one likes me

and that's all I talk about is like I'm single and I don't want to be nice guys or like sliding in and hot guy sliding in. You were going on like a date from DMs?

You're way too famous to be doing that now. Yeah. Don't do that anymore. Listen, I'm combing through my DMs. They're coming in quick but I'm looking for a blue check mark you're not that okay that's different yeah okay not taking homeless people no there's been a couple that have not been check marked that i've entertained because they were cute enough on their like tiny

picture that's always a gamble it's like i think you're hot but i'm looking at a picture that's two millimeters wide you just screenshot it and then make the box super tiny and then you know according to these pixels you're hot enough but who knows in real life it's like yeah that's i think you do know the trick though instagram where you can't you have it's like why do they not allow that it's crazy or if there's like two people in it's like which one of you and if someone's private and they're messaging me you don't stand a chance i need to to look at your pictures. So, yeah, but that's the thing. It's like, I don't even I don't even

I don't want to date, like going on a date with someone where it's like, oh, we might have sex at the end of it. Like, it's so awkward. I can't handle it. I legit can't handle it. It's so crazy how just like human interaction, which should be the most normal thing on the planet is so weird for everybody. Like, it's're so isolated hanging out with your species and we get

to know people through our phones like i've been texting with a couple guys and i'm like and they're already talking about like hooking up and these and i'm like i don't even know what you look like when you talk i don't know what you sound like what you look like when you talk that's such a chick thing he looks i know i think that matters like when your voice have you ever met someone on your voice and you're like yikes if i would have heard that voice i wouldn't be here right now it's the best can you can you just like i don't want to talk on the phone although i am its phone talker over texter but like can you just like email me a voice note just so i know what you sound like just say you know it's like the lazy fox jumped over the brown dog. Just say a sentence for me.

Sing the ABCs. I just need to hear what you say. That's why I like dating famous guys. And not because they're famous, but because there's a wealth of things to look at. And I either already have a crush on them from like seeing them from afar, or I can develop one on my own, on my own time. A healthy stalker. Because that's generally before I was. You're just describing stalking.

Before I was in, yes, before I was in the business. I could get an infatuation with them through the internet. But it's the same as like... I can hang their pictures on my wall at night. You're exactly right. I mean, like it is stalking

and I have to hold back a lot of times. There's so much stuff that you can go through and you're like, okay, I could listen to his WTF episode but do I really want to hear him

cry about his dad? I think we'll wait until we're like a year in for that to be revealed. I'll pretend I haven't heard that episode but um but i think that the thing is is that i i it's not like i'm a fucking climber or something i like guys that i can already look through see their face and see them like feel very safe meeting with them because i don't like dates where you meet on apps where you don't know each other but you're like all you're doing is

like hey are we gonna have sex later like that's literally the whole dinner is about that right am i making a laugh enough to have sex with her and she's like am i laughing enough that i have to have sex with them it's so awkward i can't handle it and if i don't want to have sex with them i feel so bad like i feel like i'm wasting their time and i just get and so i always cancel dates like i can't go on dates but if i already – the guys that I've dated in my life, I've hung out with them for long enough before that I've developed a crush on my own without them knowing. And then I get to be the one that's like I've decided it's on my schedule. So I feel like with famous people, you already have the ability to – it's like you've been working with them a while and you're like, I've developed a crush. So it's like it's already there. Makes sense. I get that and you're like, I've developed a crush. So it's like, it's already there.

Makes sense. I get that. But meeting someone off apps, going on dates? You're crazy. I think that makes perfect sense. I totally get that. I think that boils down to I just need to feel so safe. When you meet him, like in your mind, you've gone through all this already. And you've made all these decisions and you've listened and you've

watched and you've pictured and da da da. Yeah, it's a good application. It's a vetting process. And he's like, hi, nice to meet you. Like, what's up? The balance is so out of whack. But there's a lot to stock on me too. Well, right. Who's the most famous guy you dated?

There's no one famous that I've dated. Like, you know, comedians and other just, you know, casual things. No one I could name. But like, you know, comedians and other, like I've just, you know, casually things, no one I could like name, but like, you know,

the people that I'm scouting now are people that I can watch like a lot of stuff. Do you hear yourself though? That's crazy. I'm watching. I'm scouting. If you had as many offers as I just got in the past week, like you're, you gotta look at,

I believe it. All right. I gotta go watch some practice. When I start dating someone, as far as I'm concerned, you were born that day. I don't want to know your history. I don't want to know anything. I don't want to know all the stuff you've done. You don't want to know about any past relationships. Not even just relationships. I just don't want to know

anything that's... Well, clearly you want to know. About her family and growing up? The family, I guess. It's just the dicks. It's just the dicks. It really is mostly just the dicks. It is the dicks. You guys can't handle that. No.

But I also, look, I don't want to tell you either. I think my bisexual history also starts then. I don't want to. If you were asking me, like, if you're like, we're, like, my girlfriend, we're laying in bed. She's like, so who, like, how many girls have you had? I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind if you think I'm telling you that number. Really? Well, she's probably someone that wouldn't be able to handle it.

No, I just think she's very few can handle it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to handle telling you. Yeah. Interesting. It sounds like you're very much into it, but I think a lot of girls think they're into it. And I was like, you have to. It's going to turn me on and make sex so much better.

Would you then? Or are you still uncomfortable with it? That sounds like a trap. It would be something I would do for you, but I'd be uncomfortable. Do you think it's a trap with me? Do you think I'm being— No, I think you seem pretty genuine, but I think other girls either would say that or they'd be like, no, no, no, I can handle it.

And then it's like, well, what if I say it's fucking 600? Well, that is a girl you should run the fuck away from immediately if she's trying to get you to admit to... That's not a good sign. I think it's a conversation that just shouldn't really happen unless there's some weird kink to it. Weird is the key word. We don't kink shame here.

We don't kink shame. Well, you called it weird. But it is weird. It's weird. But it is. It's not shameful. It's a little weird. I guess I'm putting a negative spin on weird.

It's unique. Yeah, but I am weird. I'm coming to realize that. I'm kind of weird. Yeah, but the thing is. I'm coming to realize that. I haven't known you very long, but yeah. Yeah.

You know what it is, too? You're very normal. I am? Yeah. Oh, that's the first time that's ever been said. Yeah. You know what it is? You're very normal. I am? Yeah. That's the first time that's ever been said. You clearly don't listen to our show. Really? Now we're like, we're like fake weird kind of though.

You know what I mean? At the end of the day, we're pretty like standard. Sean, how did you meet your girlfriend? She's a friend of a friend. Oh. No, I've never done like DMs or Tinder or anything like that. Okay. What about you?

I'm divorced. So I'm like getting, wrapping Tinder or anything like that. Okay. What about you? I'm divorced, so I'm getting wrapping up my divorce. Okay. And what do you plan on doing to be single? Oh, you're just going to get DMs. I mean, your DMs are definitely, yeah. It's an effective method. It is, right? Well, no, actually.

Do you slide or do you wait for slides? I guess you can't say because you're getting a divorce but you wait for slides yeah probably that would be hypothetically and then are you going to be on Raya nope Raya said fuck you no way I hate Raya

Raya is so stupid you should see the guys on Raya you were both denied I don't want to be on an app that denies both of you seriously Raya. Raya, right? Rudy got denied. You were both denied? This, I don't want to be on an app that denies both of you. Seriously, Raya? No, delete it. Solidarity, delete it. No, you don't really have to, but that would be funny.

I would. I'm fucking done with Raya. I'll tell you, because the guys on there, well, I did just see, well, actually, I did just see one got added that I was like, oh my God, well, Raya's stepping up. They must have paid him a fucking fortune. Do people get paid to be on Raya? I'll get kicked off if I say who. So, it was no. I don't want to say. I'll tell you off air.

Well, no. Whitney Cummings told us that John Cusack got on there. She didn't get kicked off. Yeah, because she's engaged. So she doesn't need to be on. When I get engaged, I'll let you know which member of One Direction. No, yeah, yeah. Just kidding, but not really. Yo, so the special's super funny, but also the roast.

Yeah. That's not out yet, though, right? No, yeah, it came out. Oh, I thought I'd only seen the clips. Everybody's clips are very funny. Blake Griffin's clips were great. Yeah. But you went in on Caitlyn Jenner, huh?

Yeah. I was going to go harder. I was going to do jokes about her car crash, but it got fun. We were talking about that. She had a sex change to cover up a manslaughter. We never talk about that. Oh, wow. She accelerated that process.

It was like right before. She was painting her nails. She was stepping on red nails. That was like she was stepping on red lipstick. That's interesting. And then it was like someone's murdered and it was like I don't have a penis anymore. It was like a very quick. That was some Kris Jenner shit. It was like honey go get your dick chopped off.

No one just brings it up anymore. She killed somebody. Yeah we were allowed to talk about it because she said she would walk off the set. Yeah. See? She's like I became a fucking chick to get rid of this. I'm not letting you bitches bring it up. Bring it would walk off the set. She's like, I became a fucking chick to get rid of this. I'm not letting you bitches bring it up. Bring it back up again. I lost my dick for that, alright?

I wanted to make jokes about it. The only reason I wouldn't have is if it hurt her feelings. If it's truly something that's going to make you so uncomfortable you have to walk off the set, then yeah, I won't do it. But we didn't know that it was something that we couldn't talk about until the morning of. Like I had two jokes in my set.

So I was like, okay. Did you write all that? Is that like when you're coming to do... Oh, I have help. And then I wrote about, I haven't gone through, but like usually I write about 40 to 50% of my jokes. And the rest is like,

I got a lot of help this year though because I'm busy as fuck. So I cast a wide net and got so many great joke writers writing for me. And yeah, it's nice to do though because I used to write for my friends that did the roast, and it's so nice as a comedian to get a joke on. Like, when you're watching it, like, it's a fun process working with people, but it's a fucking ton of work, dude.

Is it really? It's the hardest thing I've done. Roasts make me very uncomfortable. I'm not good at watching roasts. Yeah? Yeah, I feel bad for people. You don't do secondhand embarrassment very well. So that's like for roasts.

Oh, right. So The Office, you don't like Curb Your Enthusiasm? Oh, no. I love that stuff. Oh. Those are my two favorite shows. But actual. You can't watch Scott's Tots, right?

Or no, you always say that. So Scott's Tots I can't watch. Yeah. Oh, okay. Scott's Tots I can't do. Scott's Tots is. I don't know what that is. There's an episode.

There's an episode where he's told like a whole school is going to pay for their tuition and then he backs out on it. That was so, that was uncomfortable. I watched that episode right until Stanley's laugh where he's like, is that today? Then I'm like next episode. Oh my God.

Yeah. You can't take it. No, that's bad. But like most in particular, I'm like, I don't know. Are you,

are you uncomfortable doing it? Um, no, I mean, it's just, it's such a great thing to do as a comedian. It's such great exposure. It's such a place to shine. And I like, I mean, it's such a great thing to do as a comedian. It's such great exposure.

It's such a place to shine. And I like, I'm just good at it. Naturally. I'm good at writing one liner jokes. And when I'm allowed to, I can be so mean. And so it's like, it's just really fitting for me. It's mean-spirited. It's really mean. And when I'm in roast mode, hashtag roast mode, I am such a bitch.

The month of August and September of last year was really bad, too. Like, I'm just, like, not pleasant to be around because I have to look at everyone and just think the worst thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rowan says that. We have a guy who's a battle rapper here. He's, like, battle rap champion of the world. And he's, like, the nicest dude otherwise. But he's, like, he tells me that his brain is always, like, oh, look at your outfit.

Look at your this. Look at that. Like, I'm just always roasting you yeah and depression and anything in your like that you you know when you get depressed it's caused by your thoughts being too negative like you just let your thoughts go like that's what causes depression is your fucking weird thoughts and so when you i get kind of depressed on the roast because i'm just like only thinking the worst things and i'm just evil and i'm mean and it takes a while to get into because i'm a generally really nice person and so at first i'm writing roast jokes every year i've done it three times and i'm mean. It takes a while to get into because I'm generally a really nice person. At first, I'm writing roast jokes every year.

I've done it three times and I'm like, I don't know how to do this. I'm not going to be able to do this. I literally can't think of anything mean. Then that's when I ask my friends to start sending in jokes because then once I start reading them and listening to Geraldo a lot and walking around and I'm like, okay, I'm in roast mode and then I'm just I can do it real well.

It's just so much work. It is so and then I'm just, I can do it real well. But, you know, it's just so much work. It is so much, because I take every set I can get. I run it a million times. I'm exhausted by the end of it. I'm going over so many jokes getting sent in to me, trying those new ones out, putting them in the lineup, making sure that, like, ordering it right. It is just.

The delivery, too, I feel like is important. Yes. So saying it all the time, going on stage every night. And then when you go on stage, none of the people are there. So you have to explain to the audience. I was going to say, how does that work? You go, I'm doing the roast. So it's going to be Alec Baldwin.

You have to set the stage, explain who each person is. It's a lot of, it's so much work. And every time I do it, I'm like, I'm never doing this again. And then it's like the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my career clips coming out were huge and like coinciding with the special yeah it was a good uh one-two punch um but yeah it was uh it was awesome Blake Griffin was hilarious um definitely tried to uh get the word across that I would bang him I think the word was uh thank you message. It was funny. I was giving my writers instructions of what the kind of jokes I wanted. Like, what's my feeling about this person?

What's the vibe? And I was like, for Blake Griffin just only jokes about how badly I want to fuck him. And people were like, and I go, I know this isn't, this is a roast. That's like a compliment. And I'm like, I know, but that's how I feel. And I don't, we can make it funny. Let's try. And so we did. Otherwise, I'm just going to announce it. That's how I compliment. And I'm like, I know, but that's like how I feel. And I don't, we can make it funny. Let's try.

And so we did. Otherwise, I'm just going to announce it. Yeah. It's just like, that's how I communicate with men is by being. I'll fuck Blake Griffin. Yeah. Twitter bio. I'll fuck Blake Griffin.

Yeah. Well, it's all very funny shit. Thanks, man. So Banging is out on Netflix right now. Yep. The highest compliment I can pay Banging is there was a part where I had to rewind like three times because I was laughing. Really?

With the town square masturbator shit. Oh my god, yes. You said Mary Poppins dick fans. Thank you. I was like, what did she say? Because I'm laughing too loud. Yes, that's so nice. And John? It taught me... I almost got hit by a car as I was crossing 23rd. I learned that if I don't

want my daughter to be like fucking everybody, I was like, I said that when a boyfriend comes over the first time, I'm not going to be like, I'm like, when she sucks your dick, you say it sucks. Yes, say it was the worst blowjob of your life. Say you fucking hated that. Shame

her and she'll never do it again. That's, wow, you got the wrong message. I hope you don't have daughters. I won't have any children no more. Okay, thank God. I also, just one more thing. I've been walking around today just going, we can't breathe when your dick is in our head.

We can't breathe when your dick is in our head. I need like, somebody needs to like remix that into a song. Oh my God, you're so right. Put like an EDM beat behind it or something. Dude, I'm doing that. We'll have a drop, right? Yes, yes. The dick in your head remix.

We can't breathe. Okay, I'm doing it. I'm We'll have a drop. Right? Yes. Yes. The dick in your head remix. We can't breathe. Okay. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Turn around. Look at what you see. In her face. The mirror of your dreams.

Misbelieve I'm everywhere. Give it in the light Written on the pages is The answer to a never ending story I Reach the stars Lie a fantasy Dream a dream

And what you see will be The sun and the king, their secrets live A boat behind the clouds And there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never-ending story. Story.