KFC Radio - Perfect Health. Perfect Butthole. Perfect Game...And Paul Bettany

Episode Date: January 21, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -KFC and Feits are tracking their heart rates for a weight loss competition at the office and get some staggering results doing the podcast -We discuss a highlight tape that went around of seven year olds playing basketball and how creepy those scouts are -Science has found the perfect butthole -AITA -If you had to ask one question on a polygraph, what would you ask? -Voicemails (1:19:21)Paul Bettany joins the show. He and Feits immediately team up and go after KFC over his choice of pants. We discuss his role as Ted Kaczynski in the show Manhunt, how he got into the Marvel Universe, therapy, and he weighs in the debate of who really has America's A**, Anthony Mackie or Chris Evans? Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @Paul_Bettany Subscribe to the KFC Radio Youtube Channel for the full podcast: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Subscribe to the KFC Radio Clips Youtube Channel for the best clips: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCspldj_2KhBix7eVxe2H8xgYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. for a guy on Pornhub. What am I going to tell you? Have I watched Hot Guys Fucked Hot Guys? Yes, I have. Okay? All the time. My Pornhub first autofill, I don't know, man. I don't know. It's not my fucking choice. It's another edition

of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. The weight loss challenge is on. Started today. Team cut. So dry started today. I actually thought it was going to be yesterday. It wasn't, so I had some mezcal last night. So you are officially dry for the month.

I am dry for the month. Although I already heard John scheming. Like, well, what about the McGregor fight? Scheming was brought up by other people. And then you took it around with it. Yeah, well, once or twice I guess my John scheming. Like, well, what about the McGregor fight? What about the Super Bowl? And then you took it around with it. Yeah, well, once or twice I guess my brain starts running. It starts running. Herein lies the problem.

Huh? Herein lies the problem. So the next month, there are two big occasions. There's the McGregor fight, and then there's the Super Bowl. When is the McGregor fight? Saturday. So Bob's been in Fight Island for like two weeks. No, he just got there two days ago.

Really? I feel like he's been there a long time. He went to Vegas first. They had to do like a quarantine there. Oh, okay. That's what I was thinking. Last night was the first time he was allowed outside of his hotel room. Got it, got it, got it.

Okay. Abu Rabi's in the building. Yeah, so we got to lose weight for the next month. I mean, I'm telling everybody involved, I'm not going to do this. Why? It'll be fun. Why don't you come do it? It will not be fun.

I got my bracelet on. I'm going to learn how much I don't sleep and how bad my body is. I got my first results. I will probably weigh more weight in a month. I probably will, too, but I am going to take it seriously. I just tend to gain weight when I work out. But the whole muscle is more than a fat thing. But the thing that Whoop is teaching me thus far is that I am not healthy.

The people running around the barstool office wearing the Whoop bracelets were probably the last people on earth who should be wearing these. Frankie Borelli learned that he is, is like the most stationary human of all time. You found out that your resting heart rate is 88. You could switch me to any demographic of a living person. I could be an 86-year-old woman. No, because obviously that's probably a poor heart rate. Yeah, you could be like a young kid.

I could be an 18-year-old man, and it is a bad – I don't even know which one I should be good at. I know, I know. It doesn't matter. I'm bad at all of them. So your heart bumps like 90 times a minute. Anything over – basically anything over 82 is just – it's not like unhealth – it's just straight up – it's poor.

Let me see. It's not below average. I'm going to open up my shit right now. I'm going to say that I'm doing activity which i'm not and probably will not be for the next month but that will tell me my resting heart rate so the calibrating no wait a minute my heart rate's 100 there you go you are more unhealthier than I am. It says I'm running. It literally says running. You are.

I am just sitting here talking. What is that you're on? It says start activity. So that will check your heart rate right away. Kevin, you should probably do this. I am telling you that I will be, yeah, my heart rate is 103 right now. I mean, what? Dude.

110? What is happening? Now I'm just nervous. Now you're starting to panic. Now I'm at 111. Let's go. How high can we get it on a podcast? 112. Further.

I'm going to get this motherfucker a heart attack. Let's go. Oh, my God. 114. High score. High score. High score. Wow.

119. Can we get 120? 121. Let's go! This is so much fun! 126! 128! 132! This is the We Try and Kill Kevin episode.

Welcome to KFC Radio! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Oh man, 1.8 is my activity funny. I want to put that on, too. Oh, man. 1.8 is my activity strain.

I'm literally just sitting here. Now I'm sweating. Close to our activity. Yep. Yep. That is so fucking funny. 132 is my heart rate right now. Oh, okay.

I'm at 122. Yeah. What's wrong with us? I would guess it's how I'm running as well. I mean, what the fuck? We got a lot of work to do in the next month. My activity strain says 3.4. I didn't do a single thing.

All right. You poked your arms a little. I mean, I am sweating. I was going to say, we both need to breathe. So I guess it's probably pretty accurate. We got excited and laughed for a little bit. My activity strain right now is four. Frankie Borelli told me that the last week his activity strain throughout the entire day never hit five.

Me just sitting here, my body's like, whoa, something's happening. So, yeah, we got to lose some weight and get in shape. Holy shit. I will not really be taking this seriously, but hey. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it big. I bet I lose 10 pounds. That's what I need to lose.

I think I'm like 195 now. I need to be like 185. I'll tell you what I will be taking seriously. The Mega Billion Shack bot. Nobody won again. It's $970 million. Right now, it'll probably be a billion by the time it goes off. Holy shit.

A billion. A billion dollars. When does it go? I think actually Thursday. I think today. I think it's Tuesdays and Thursdays. No, I think it's the weekend, Friday or Saturday. $970 million is the third biggest in history,

and I'm pretty sure it's going to keep climbing in the next couple days. It's definitely going to get $30 couple days it's definitely 30 million there's gonna be we're gonna hit it yeah we'll hit a billy on this and i'm gonna open up jack pocket i'm gonna use the promo code uh barstool i'm gonna get a free mega million ticket and i'm gonna win a billion dollars for nothing and i said that last time and the time before that but you know what i was waiting for a billion i said i don't want any of this 600, 750, 900. No, no, no. I want a billion. So, I played my cards right. Everyone's welcome. The only reason I got to a billion

is because I didn't play because the universe is waiting for me to get my ticket through Jack Pocket, which is the new app that has that lets you play the lottery right on your iPhone, your cell phone, right there in your pocket. It's the Jack Pocket lottery app that's available in New York, New Jersey, Texas, and about seven other states where you can play mega millions. You can play powerball.

You can play the local lotteries. You can pick your own numbers. You can pick, uh, the, uh, the random numbers. You can do pick 10, check for this or that cash for life, all these things, uh, right on your phone. So you don't have to go to the gas station. You don't have to cash on, you don't have to go to the bodega. You don't have to go to the machine, wait online next to the old women doing it. There are other places I can get scratch tickets? Lottery tickets? I don't know. Outside of New York?

You can't just get them at bodegas? I feel like you can get them at gas stations. I know, I'm just making a joke, but New York can only do that. Oh. Yeah. You can definitely get them at gas stations. Last week... Can you get a Coke while you do it, though?

Last week, a player won $1 million playing Cash for Life in Jersey, so it could be you using the Jackpocket app. And when you use promo code BARSTOOL at checkout, you'll get a free Mega Millions or Powerball jackpot. So I think it's tonight. Must be 18 or older to play Jackpocket. It's not affiliated with any state lottery. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem and wants help,

residents of New York, call 1-877-8-HOPE-NY. Residents of Oregon, call 1-877-MY-LIMIT. All others, call 1-800-GAMBLER. Please visit jackpocket.com slash TOS for full terms of service. What do you got for us today, Johnny? Okay, so I... Wait, first of all, we have Paul Bettany on the show. Vision.

An all-time guest. He's a man. It's No Guest January with an all-time guest, Paul Bettany. Again, with No Guest January, when Marvel people want to be on the show, we're letting Marvel people on the show. That's just how it goes. It's Stone Cold and Marvel people. And then also, that rule is, what was it? I was actually catching up on Your Honor last night.

And Adam is about to get kicked out of school. I mean, someone needs to put a bullet in Adam Desiato's head. Somebody fucking kill that kid. Also, don't you think Michael Desiato is too young a name? Like, I can see Michael Desiato playing hockey for Catholic Memorial. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, he's the starting center for CM, Michael Desiato. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't work that way.

You're not a New Orleans judge. I don't know why it became such a guinea name. Yeah, I know. It should have been French or something like that down in New Orleans. But I think if I can't wait for someone in the mafia to put adam desiano's head in a vice i want to see his eyeballs pop back i fucking hate that kid he i mean confessing to your teacher you're fucking that when she was like you've been a manslaughter and then fucking around on her with the kid who you killed's sister.

I mean, this kid is reckless with the dick. You are. This kid is slinging dick. I get it. He's the skinny hipster photographer. I guess so. I don't know. Adam Desiato fucking multiple chicks at the same time seems suspect to me.

He is slinging dick. Look, I forget her name, but Miss Baxter's. She could get it. She could get it She could get it Your teacher wants to fuck you You fuck her She looks too much like her father Who looks too much like my friend

For me to want to fuck her Okay The Baxter Jimmy Baxter looks a lot like a buddy of mine Yeah And it's just like She looks a lot like him I don't know

There's just some mixed emotions in there That show man While probably at this point wildly unrealistic, it gives me anxiety every fucking time I watch it. Mostly because of that fucking moron Adam Desiato. Now we're into like full-blown like mafia wars and shit like that. But in the beginning when it was just like, what would you do if that was your kid? We talked to Bryan Cranston about it. I mean, yikes.

That was my kid. Fucking kill him. I know. Just be like, listen, sorry, pal. I did like the Big Freedia shout out, though, in this show. The what? Big Freedia. What was that?

It's what Carlo Baxter was listening to right before he gets arrested again. Big Freedia's like a New Orleans transgender performer. And I saw her, saw him. It really depends on which, I'm not sure, at New Orleans Jazz Fest, and there was so much goddamn ass shaking on that scene. Yeah. Guy ass,

chick ass, transgender, there was just ass everywhere. It was fucking awesome. You and New Orleans go together way too well, pal. It was a fucking scene. It was together way too well, dude. Speaking of a fucking scene. It was together way too well, dude. Speaking of New Orleans, last night, one thing I learned, the cartoonified version of the fateful New Orleans story

has been released to the public. It is... You know, there's probably a lot of people who have joined up with Barstool and KC Radio since we last told that story, where they're going to be in for a fucking whirlwind. If I can be perfectly honest, it's a story I wish I never told. I wish that one was still... Honestly, I think it kind of

goes under the radar. That's a story that, like, every single time you tweet, someone should be fucking mentioning it to you. Like, I think you get away with it, to be honest. I think you're good.

But yeah, I'd probably want that one back in the holster. Yeah, yeah. When I told that story, I was probably 23, 23 24 you're a 30 year old man i was 31 like i wish i didn't have to have the story out there of a guy trying to suck my dick while i fuck his wife god damn that's wild fucking johnny cuck it's crazy man absolutely nuts all right so paul bettany on the show who is uh right off the bat you would have thought he was like on our like a part of our show we're talking about sweatpants versus jeans we're making fun of therapy talking about drinking i mean paul

bettany while like the polar opposite of us or at least me also fits in incredibly well here so john and him were two little fucking peas in a pod ganging up on me i had a feeling just just from watching paul bettany's work i was like me and him yeah are are gonna be in his goddamn sweater vest with his fucking collared shirt coming out get out of here paul bettany uh but what else what do we got today john so okay first things first is um well let's let's, you know what? We're going to go AAU first. So this happened the other night.

I was watching Warriors-Lakers, and Kendrick Perkins, who I don't follow, but he was tweeting about it, and it kind of came out of my timeline, so I checked out his timeline. And I saw four hours before that he had tweeted a mixtape of his kids' basketball team, which he coaches, that they were ranked for in the country, and that it was they're about... The class of 2030.

It was a full mixtape. These kids are like 7 years old. And I was flabbergasted that we're now ranking 7 years. These fucking kids had better uniforms than I ever played in my entire life. They were sick uniforms. It was a sick mixtape. It was fucking... The kids could ball. I was surprised they And I'll be honest, the kids could ball.

I was surprised they weren't number one. But the fact that we in the United States of America, and I imagine elsewhere as well, are ranking children in anything is just a big fucking problem. Disagree. I think we could use more child ranking. See, well, I remember just in high school when we was the New England Hockey Journal, and we were ranked twice my entire career. We were not very good.

But we would freak out waiting to see the rankings come out. Hell yeah. A ranking we were never in. Then we did top ten. Right now, I want to see where my kids rank in reading. Oh, well, that you can figure out. I mean just like going to the playground and being like Mikey's the 13th ranked

fucking monkey bars guy. No, yeah, but I want to know exactly where Keegan stands on everything. Let me know. Unless he's bad, then I want to know. But do you want to publicize? Like the whole world can know. Yeah, well if he's good, yeah. If he's bad, rip this shit up. It's fake. You know, if they're like your kid is way behind in reading.

I'd be like, these are fake. These guys don't know what they're talking about. I mean, ranking basketball with seven-year-olds and eight-year-olds is fucking insane. I mean, these kids are like cocking it back and like chucking it up. They're jumping for free throws. Yeah. They are children who can barely lift the ball playing on 10-foot hoops. We're probably better than any of us.

We're at our prime. I can still beat these kids. I mean, who? I'm not even good at basketball. I do not want the Kendrick Perkins smoke, but I will fuck his son up. I will back down Kendrick Perkins' kid in the post.

No problem. All day. Everything. It would be easy. But I think Who are the people? Who's like the tribunal of people? This is where I'm going with this. Who sit there watching 78-year-olds all day, every day, enough to know who's like, oh, they're three and this team's four. Usually, all right, that's the best team.

They know the number one. How are you splitting between seven and eight? Do you know how down on your luck you have to be to say, you know what, this is the profession I need. Or perverted. I was going to say, those people. Probably skews perverted in the group that's ranking these people. But I'm going to travel around with an AAU basketball team of seven-year-olds,

and I'm going to decide who's the best team in the country. Put cuffs on them right now. They can do their work until they commit a crime, but once it happens, they've already got the cuffs on. You know what I mean? Don't let them near the playgrounds. How do you take anybody seriously who wants to work with you? Anyone.

It doesn't matter if you're a teacher. Male teachers. Yeah, it's men. Fucking boys. Yeah, women. Like, girls, fine. But, like, men, teachers, men, male Boy Scouts, male coaches. Like, what the fuck? I had a... Unless it's your own kid, you know? I hadouts, male coaches. What the fuck?

Unless it's your own kid, you know? I had a Little League coach. No, it was before Little League. I forget what it was called before Little League. What was it? It wasn't T-Ball. What's in between T-Ball and Little League? Father's pitch?

It was Pony League after Little League. I forget. Whatever it was. I had a coach. My team was the Minnesota Twins. I shit you not. This dude had a long fucking ponytail, right? And he walked with a cane and he was like.

Did he have a son on the team? No. That's just. He lived in the woods by my house. Okay. Okay, Unabomber. And he used to come to my house and ring my doorbell and ask. Rape me.

And ask. And fuck me in the basement. I could come out and play catch. And my mom would be like, George. Oh, my God, Pauly. And then my dad came home one day and was like. Did you suck that guy's dick? No.

Did you suck that old man's dick? We would play catch in my yard. Is that what you call it with the old man in the woods? We would go out there and play catch. I would never go to a second location. Oh, my God. But it was always like we just like work on my pitching. I wasn't a pitcher, Kevin.

I played center field. And then one day my dad came home and was like, what the fuck's going on here? Yeah. And the guy's like, oh, just play catch. He's like, how about you guys play catch at fucking practice or whatever? Get the fuck out of my house. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Feidelberg.

What are you doing? What are you doing? He's his coach. You want to come play catch? My dad's like, I think that guy has mental needs, like special needs. Not mental issues, special needs. He can't just come and take John and go play catch with him. I was like, I got three other kids.

Whatever. Yeah, really. Keep him. Keep him in the woods. He doesn't even go to school anymore. This dude was so fucking weird. I honestly don't know where he lived. He would always just come up from the woods. You've been to my house. It has was so fucking weird. I honestly don't know where he lived. He would always just come up

from the woods. You've been to my house. There's woods across the street. When you came, they were finally building a house there. It used to just be thick woods. And he would just appear from the woods. He would just come out of the woods. Bro. How do these stories keep coming out?

It was like, that dude, that's not even a joke. I've told a story about my Little League coaches who also didn't have a kid on the team. He was a husband and wife. It should absolutely be illegal. It should 100% be illegal. But this guy was like, I'm comfortable saying he was a pedophile. The other people I think were just lonely, my Little League coaches. I can say with 100% certainty, he was a pedophile who just never got me

like he tried his damnedest oh my god that's fucking hilarious you know that guy you know what that dude does he sits in the woods thinking about that one got away. I knew he was going to be a special one. I see him on the news now. Paul Rivers Feidelberg. I tried my hardest to fuck that kid.

I mean, it's a miracle you didn't get fucked by that guy. I know. A miracle. I mean, he would ask me to practice pitching. I wasn't a pitcher. But what are we doing? It is a genuine miracle. You are now fucked by that old man in the woods.

With a cane. And he wasn't even that old. He was probably like, I would, you know how people seem older when you're young? I don't know how I was. Whatever between, it was, I think kids pitched to us. So it was, I don't know how... Whatever between... I think kids pitched to us. So it was... I don't know. I was the Minnesota Twins. I played on a gravel field. It wasn't like one of them. You weren't in Little League with dirt

and stuff like that yet. I would guess he was probably late 30s, early 40s. Absolutely a rapist. I'm not even worried about Lyle. He never fucked me. But I'm positive that he's a rapist. I'm not even worried about Lyle. He never fucked me, but I'm positive that he's a pedophile. He lived in the woods

across the street from my house. I don't think there were houses back there. I don't know. I want to give it the Jamie Lynn treatment. You don't even want to know how many kids that guy's fucked. That dude has fucked... You don't even want to know how many kids. guy's fucked. That dude has fucked you don't even want to know how many kids. I'm going to ask my mom

to find a picture of my Minnesota Twins team and I'm going to reach out to all those kids. Yo, you good, man? Which one? Which one of you got fucked? Because I know statistically it had to be one of us. Oh, man. And that's why you can't have these kids. These kids' teams. You know how in India

they'll occasionally get the video of like a whole village beating the shit out of like a rapist or something like that like that y'all you guys should have banded together for some vigilante justice so i'm talking about any anyone who's like traveling with an aau team all the dads will be waiting outside seriously stop fucking taking notes about my kid for real you're writing writing shit down following them around the country well you know well this kid's getting real strong. He's getting real big. Look at his lower body strength.

This one doesn't even need to jump to shoot free throws. He's special. I'm going to get a one-on-one with him. You're a sick fuck. You're a sick fuck, each and every one of you. God damn. Teachers. Gym teachers.

Art teachers. All yous. Anyone who works in a daycare. Day camps. All yous. Anyone who works in a daycare. Take camps. All you. Camps. I've worked in camps. Camp counselors.

The only reason I can't. See, camp counselors fuck each other. That's what I'm saying. That's what it is. You need other adults around you. Like, they'll just blow each other all day long in camp. They don't have to fuck the kids. When you're a coach, it's just you and the kids way too often.

Anyone who ever worked at camp is a fucking slut. Yo, I feel like a prude because I never worked at a camp. I would have been getting my dick jerked off way more if I worked at a camp. Girls who just have deep throat competitions at lunch. They just get a pen and see who can fit it deeper down their throat. They're like seven.

There are children just across the field right now. I didn't work at a camp, but I went to a camp. And there was this girl who had a southern accent. And I remember her just being like, I think it was deep throat. She's like, y'all know what deep throat is? And I was like, yeah, totally. But like, you tell me.

Yeah, he's the guy who broke Watergate, right? Yeah, I mean, shit went down at camp. And it was a religious camp, and I thought that was weird. And then I realized that's where the shit goes down. Yeah, that's I mean, shit went down at camp. And it was a religious camp, and I thought that was weird, and then I realized that's where the shit goes down. Yeah, that's where it's at. Like, you better be going to a religious camp if you're in eighth grade. That's how you're going to get your dick tucked. And way more.

Also, though, like... By the right person. Thread the needle. Like, you can definitely get fucked at religious camp. No doubt. You got to really have your head on a swivel. It is. And keep, you know, and only fuck who you want to fuck.

Yeah. Eighth graders at camp. Now we've officially become the creepy ones. Yeah. So let's move on and talk about some buttholes. Okay. Good idea. So, big news in the archaeologist field.

The perfect butthole has been discovered. And fellas, it belongs to a dinosaur. I was going to say, I have a couple entries for this vote. I got every butthole I've ever seen as an entry. I mean, every. No, but you know the good ones when you see them. You know the good ones when you see them. There's some quality ones.

I do think. You got to have the right color, the right shape, the right size. I used to say amateur porn existed to remind you like, hey. Yes. Maybe not everyone needs a dick in – Maybe we don't need to fully spread them. Yeah. Maybe not everyone needs a tongue.

Maybe we don't do doggy. Maybe you just go missionary here, strange random couple in the apartment. You know me, though. The amateurs have come on the scene. But amateur porn's not amateur porn anymore. It's a whole different thing. I mean, amateur porn stars get rich, and then they, like, you know, clean up their assholes.

But I could throw a couple hats in the ring, but apparently it belongs to, like, a brachiosaurus. It is a... I'm going to Google the exact article so you get the exact headline, because it is worth it. It was the perfectly, like perfectly petrified asshole. And I mean, you know that there was some archaeologist. What's the other thing called?

Paleontologist. Paleontologist. Honestly, I can't find this. I was going to go with Chaps' thing. Who was like... I know Chaps. You know that that dude was like this is the biggest moment of my professional career that i found this fossilized asshole and oh my was it

perfect here it is on chapters feed um okay the first bina hole dinosaur butthole ever discovered is shedding light where the sun don't shine and can you imagine if you work right in that line for live science you're like right like nailed it i work for live science i've never had fucking 30 seconds in my life to even pretend to joke around right i've never now now all of a sudden you gotta make butthole jokes a semblance of fun on the job and now the headline first preserved dinosaur butthole is quote perfect and quote unique paleontologist says like like this dude fucked this asshole bro i have literally i have probably literally said those words sexting before girl your asshole was perfect and unique it's subbed it all they changed the the uh sub headline uh it was yesterday when I screenshotted it.

It was a multi-purpose glory hole. You told me that. They published that. You can't be saying glory hole in your science news. They switched it now to this was a multi-purpose hole. Yeah, you said butthole. We get it. All buttholes are a multi-purpose hole.

That's a big time term to drop. Someone got fired up for that. You can't be dropping glory hole in a science in the science but do you remember do you remember you know what doesn't get enough attention every single day we should wake up and play the jerry jones glory hole speech exactly exactly jerry jones i think when he hired like jason garrett or something long time ago was like we're here today we We are proud to be America's team. And we are going to return the Dallas Cowboys to America's glory hole.

He was just supposed to say glory, and he just said glory hole. And I mean, we know how Jerry Jones likes to get down. So that dude definitely has put his dick in a glory hole before. And the internet just kind of went like, ah, that's funny. I mean, the man has stuck his dick through mystery holes before for sure for sure but but also like but also like you know of course he didn't have to say it for me to know jerry jones fucked a couple jerry jones fucked a couple dudes that he couldn't see in his life when do you think you yeah pull it up look at this it's

amazing i want glory hole it's an incredible line i want me some glory hole i want me some glory i mean yes you do jerry we know how you like to roll how much what level do you think you you know those things that are like this is extremely poor behavior and also extremely rich behavior glory hole you know like you could be a crackhead okay your dick through it or you are like a billionaire who's getting so kinky you're into that shit. Where do you think you cross – like when does that behavior become acceptable again? Because like when Jerry Jones says like, hey, guys, I'd like to put my dick in glory holes, I'd be like, yes, you do, sir. And that does not faze me one bit. You have to be a billionaire?

No, I think glory holes are rather perfect and unique outside of – basically, okay, how about this? If the glory hole is cut into plastic? What are partitions made out of? Yeah, plastic. Okay, I think if it's cut into plastic, trash. I think if it's cut into

maybe a nice wood with a velvet lining. I would agree, but where are you going to find a wooden velvet glory hole? Exactly. This is where we cross into a different level here. Wow. I think any... Okay, how about this?

What about a stone wall? It doesn't... Imagine putting your dick through a brick wall. You ever rub your dick on some nice granite? Brad, let me tell you. You've never put your dick on granite? Dude, no. Oh, man.

I put my dick on granite like nightly. Please elaborate. My fucking sink in my bathroom is granite. Okay. And I just fucking want to brush my teeth. You lay your dick on it? I just lay my piece and I'm like,

fuck your thing. This episode is wild, man. Why not knock out two things at once? Oh, so you got your dick sitting there while you piss? I'm pissing while I brush my teeth. I'm just standing there.

I'll be honest, that's deplorable. It's not nightly. I'll be honest, that is... It's not nightly. I'll be honest. I'll be honest. I'm walking it back. I'm walking it back. I'm walking it back.

That is despicable behavior. I don't care if you've done that once at a time. I've done it a lot more than once. That is absolutely abhorrent behavior. Do you know how fucking easy it would be for me to take three strides right and I could be over the toilet brushing my teeth? Oh, man.

Holy shit. Don't be telling my girlfriend. Oh, man. Oh, goddamn. Anyway, I'm going to read this article real quick. You never put your dick on granite? Yeah, my fucking sink is a multi-purpose glory hole. We got to put out a fucking poll on KFC Radio.

Have you ever rubbed your dick against granite? I'm not intentionally rubbing it. It's just rubbing. Well, it doesn't happen by accident, John. As I shake to brush my teeth. Oh, my God. That's kind of rough. I only cum once.

I'm going to finish this article. I want to give – I think it's Laura Gegel is the author of this article. And Laura just must have been fucking beside herself when this came across her desk. The first – why are you saying dinosaur butthole? The first dinosaur butthole ever discovered is shedding light where the sun don't shine. The discovery reveals how dinosaurs use this multi-purpose opening,

scientifically known as a cloaco vent, for pooping, peeing, breathing, and egg laying, doing big cream pies and dinosaur butts. The dinosaur's derriere is so well preserved, researchers could see the remnants of two small bulges by its back door, which might have housed musky scent glands that the reptile possibly used during courtship, an anatomical quirk also seen in living crocodilians,

said scientists who studied the specimen. Although the dinosaur is a caboose, she loved this. Oh, man. She got to use everything. Keister, hiney, derriere. Motherfucker had fucking urban dictionary thesaurus openedere. What the fuck? I had fucking Urban Dictionary. Thesaurus opened up. What else I could say?

Asshole. Yep. Shares some characters with the backsides of some living creatures. It's also a one-of-a-kind opening, the researchers found. The anatomy is unique. Study leader, researcher Jacob Vinther, a paleobiologist at the University of Bristol in the United Kingdom, told Life Silence, it doesn't quite look like the opening on birds, which are the closest living relatives to dinosaurs. It does look like the back opening on a crocodile, he said, but it's different in some ways.

It's own cloacula shaped in its perfect, unique way. I mean. Not my laptop. My phone is frozen. If you got to study, you got – see, that's the thing. This guy, he's the jack of all trades when it comes to asshole knowledge. He knows the crocodile. He knows the birds. He knows the dinosaur.

He knows everybody's asshole. I want to send him a picture of mine. What do you think about this one? I would – more ratings. What number asshole am I in America? Do you think he's in the top 50%? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I mean, there's a think he's in the top 50%? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of gross people out there. I would hope. I would hope I'm in the top 5%. That's crazier than Armie Hammer. That's crazy. I mean, I haven't seen my butthole since I was about 14. Thank God.

I just bent over in front of a mirror one day and decided I don't need to do that again. What makes you think that you have a better asshole than 95% of the country? I've met 95% of the people I've met. That's about what it is. I'm just kind of extrapolating off that. I'm better than 95% of the people I've met. You got the worst asshole in this room if we're gonna do a fucking we're gonna extrapolate here

you are 0% dude why is yours better? I don't know I just think it is alright next case you're gonna be alive I mean mine's probably perfect and unique. That's what my mom told me every day. Shit. What do you guys think of Chap's argument?

If you saw it, could you recognize your butthole if you were just showing a picture of it out of context? No. No, heaven no. My dick, yes. My asshole, no. My dick, most likely. Probably. Most likely.

I could definitely pick up my dick. Good chance. Yeah. For sure. I could. But I've also never seen... Well, no, I i've seen from that angle all the time i'm looking in the mirror okay no i could do it yeah i was gonna say i'm always

looking down at it i don't really get to look at it fucking face to face but what really is a trip is when you see it from the bottom that will fuck your world up man soda had a great joke about that what do you say no i think it's in his new thing where he's talking about uh actually it might have been an older clip he posted recently but how dicks are like bridges and like a lot of time from the top like oh it's pretty nice I think you get to the bottom of it and you're like Jesus Christ there's wires and shit everywhere

huh no he is the funniest motherfucker in the world bro I saw my dick from the bottom and I was like, that shit turns 90 degrees to the right. From here, it looks totally fine. Underneath, it's like, it could look

around a corner. I was like, what is that about? Since when? Entirely different dick from a different angle. Crazy. But shout out to the dinosaur with the perfect asshole. It's that thing and no face girl. Congratulations.

It's a pretty nice title to have. Yeah. King of the dinosaurs. I have the greatest asshole of all reptilians. You think the dinosaurs are running around? You're like, oh, there she goes. Yeah, look at that girl. I'll pay $10.99 a month for that.

Only fans with the dinosaurs. The Jurassic era for that. OnlyFans with the dinosaurs. The Jurassic-era OnlyFans. She doesn't even bleach it. That thing's just natural. And now a word from our sponsor. St. Hubert's the Stag. They don't give a fuck. Grab that bottle behind you, John.

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your local wine store to try it today. Am I the asshole time? We got a couple here for you. Okay. This one, buckle up. 21-year-old female's boyfriend, boyfriend's mother. So we got the girl given this here. Her boyfriend's mother, 52, has been sabotaging our relationship. She just revealed it's because she thought I would make a much better match with her older son, my boyfriend's 25-year-old brother.

This is some, like, Romeo and Juliet shit. So the mom is sabotaging the relationship because she thinks she should be with the other brother. Yes. Okay. This is some, like, this is some deep shit here, you know? My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. About a year and a half into the relationship, I was introduced to his family.

I met his mother and father and older brother. His older brother and I were very alike. We studied in the same field, so we became really good friends. His father seemed approving of us, but his mother was a complete psycho from day one. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, assuming that she was protective of her younger son, but it was pretty sinister. She would always find ways to subtly make me look bad, emphasize every flaw, and she was the cause of many arguments, which she probably intentionally did.

She would tell my boyfriend rumors and untrue things about me and i had enough my boyfriend told her to stop multiple times but most of it was when he was away so i had to deal with it after a small text message argument i decided to call her and end this game of cat and mouse she told me that she wanted me to not be with her younger son and that she wanted me to be with her older son my boyfriend's brother because they were a superior match. She started talking about her son, my boyfriend's brother, trying to be a matchmaker. I'm literally dating her son's girlfriend, and she's trying to break me up to date her other son. I can't comprehend the logic.

Should I tell my boyfriend of this mother's crazy agenda? I feel like that would be very hurtful, but would it be more hurtful if I never told him? What should I do? Who's the asshole? Well, sweetheart, you're not the asshole here. I mean, this is just a stupid, like – This is one of those Reddit ship ones. So to be fair, it's not really a true am I the asshole.

But I'll stick up for the mom. I'll stick up for the mom here. Let's hear it well you know sometimes family members sometimes you're just Jewish please note

John said that you can write down in your programs that Kevin wanted to say it but please note that John said it. Please note that Feidelberg said it. Thank you very much. What the fuck is that? Oh, okay.

Okay. Okay. I mean, you're goddamn right. I mean, look, I just never heard more of a Jewish mother in my entire life. I've never been a bigger Jewish mother than that. You threw the itch on me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Please note. You threw the itch on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Please note that Kevin almost forgot itch. Almost went hard EW on that one. Oh, man. This is a fantastic episode. I was going to say, you know, family members watching someone go down the wrong path with a, you know, we always say stay out of people's shit. But it's tough when you're like watching, you know, your son marry the wrong person or something. And then on top of it, it's, you're perfect for this other guy. Which is funny too, by the way, because she's pointing out all her flaws being like, this bitch sucks. You should be dating my older son.

So, you know, divorce rate's pretty high in this country. Maybe we need some people speaking up. Maybe we need some more sabotage. Let's get rid of this relationship. I mean, you know, we see it all the time with celebrities, and it happens in regular life, too. It's like, I mean, they're not going to make it.

You know, the fucking bachelorette chick. She broke up in like two days, you know. She married the guy. Wait, that was the most recent bachelorette thing? That girl was the bachelorette. And Claire. She was old. She was an old bitch.

She was 37 years old. And rather than do the whole show, like the first week, she was like, I found the guy. We're getting married. And I'll have you know, John, shocking. They broke up yesterday. So when these things happen, it's like, oh, yeah, come on. You never had a shot. Maybe somebody should have spoke up a little earlier.

Saved everybody a little bit of time. I don't disagree with that at all. I think that's fair. I'll just never be the one to do it. Yeah, I'm never. Because I'm not Jewish. Even with friends, I'm like, she's the best. She's awesome. This is great.

So happy for you. You're definitely going to last and do whatever it is you want. In the back of my mind, I'm like, this has got three weeks tops left. Absolutely. So, you know, and that's you and it's a friend, right? Imagine you're a mother, maybe a Jewish one, and you're just like, this is stupid. You're both wasting your time.

Who cares? I'm surprised Polly hasn't done this. Polly? Yeah. Polly could give a fuck less. True. There's one extreme or the other. I could see her being like, you need to dump this bitch or being like, I don't fucking care. Marry her. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, no. Polly not interested in my life.

Is it because she's got the other ones? Is she desperate for grandchildren? No. She doesn't want them. I mean, she just couldn't care. Fucking gangster. She does not. Holly Feidelberg, fucking OG original gangster.

I've asked that before. I'm like, I'm probably not going to give you... And now she does. But she does have a bevy of children to rely upon. She's got a stable of them. I was like, yeah, I'm probably not going to have grandkids. And she's like, I didn't even ask. Yeah, good. Good. They're're expensive why are you telling me your

fucking person i'm retired thank you i will not be spending my time raising your children more annoyed by just me bringing up the fact that i exist hey just you know hey john i used to let you almost get raped in the woods do you think i care about you procreating i almost wanted you wiped off the planet. It is nice, though. I do have other families like that. Like, why don't we get grandchildren? Yeah, that's a bit... That's a lot of fucking pressure.

Let me tell you, as someone who churned them out and then left them like, fuck, what do we do now? It's not always a blessing. It's a burden. I would venture to guess it's rarely. I dislike kids so much that even cute baby videos, I'm like, I don't even want to watch it.

I don't want to watch it. It's because I don't have feelings. Well, I don't like kids. I like my kids. I always say that. I don't want to see. I mean, sometimes baby videos are like puppy videos where it's just like like that's really cute. But it's just a regular one.

We're like, hey, look at Timmy. It's like showing people vacation pictures. Yeah. I don't give a fuck about this. There's only been one good baby video ever. It's the baby laughing so hard he rolls over on the bed. I don't think I've seen that. You've never seen that one?

I don't think so. It's a great baby laugh. I mean it's just like I used to use it like in sports. I like the baby sitting on the Roomba. I get a kick out of that. There's some there's some doable babies. This is a great laugh

on this baby. You had that one with the quickness, bud. Got that baby on deckington, huh? You found that fast and you found the dinosaur asshole. Oh, this is like fucking America's Funniest On Videos type shit. Yeah. faster than you found the dinosaur asshole oh this is like fucking america's funniest on videos type shit yeah that's legit bob saget afv on him holy shit um but the i i do i but i do think that

actually no i don't i was gonna lie there for a second like like seeing two people like oh they do good together i don't i'm sure at some point in my life I've thought that. I've never – I'll know when I see it or I'll know when I – I'll know if it's not the case. I'll never like think of it. But no, but I mean like thinking like, oh, that person would work with this person I know. Yeah, no, I don't do that. But if they got together, I'd be like, oh, yeah, that's a good fit.

Right. Or I'd be like, no, it's a disaster fit. Speaking of lying, I was on Legion of skanks this week monday night and they brought out the polygraph test no they didn't the episode before they brought the polygraph they put up all of their uh interns that they're whittling down in like a barstool idol type of contest they put them on the polygraph and it revealed that like 80 of them rapists either lying about raping or uh outright admitting it. And then when I was on the episode, we talked about the polygraph. And like, I mean, a polygraph lie detector is like the most powerful weapon in the world.

Like you had a room of like four. You know, it's me, Louis J. Gomez, Big J. Ogerson and Dave Smith for like loudmouth fucking morons, you know, and like just the thought of the polygraph came up and everyone was like, I'm good. I'm not doing that. You're not strapping me up to that fucking thing. I think the power of the – Next episode, they're going to do it. And the question is, are you – it's just one question only.

They're going to all strap in for one question. Are you 100% sure you're not bisexual? Which is maybe the greatest polygraph test ever. Big Jay Ogison came up with that one. Everyone was like, oh, yeah, no, I'm fine. And he was like, 100%. I was like, yeah, 100%. Not sure.

I was like, what? Not sure. You're bisexual. I don't know anymore. Maybe. I'm not 100% sure what day it is, Kevin They were a little more, if you watch that episode at the end of it, all three of them

were like, nah, I'm good with that, I am 100% sure, and I was like, I mean I'm good with the question, but I am not 100% sure Yeah, if I'm proven wrong, I'm proven wrong but like, I'll answer the fucking I would just confidently say nope, and move on Like Jim Craig in Miracle You want me to take your test, sir? I'll answer the fucking... I would just confidently say, nope, and move on. Like Jim Crankin' Miracle.

You want me to take your test, sir? I'll take your fucking test. Give me your test, sir. I want the kid in that who wouldn't take the test. I want that bisexual kid in that to give up fucking two to USSR and go fuck a guy and a girl afterwards. That's who I want in my net. I fucking think I'm sprinting right now. Oh, my God.

This episode episode my strain is gonna be 21 bro through the fucking roof just from laughing man what question would you ask yeah one question we might have to think on this one I might be like we'll tell you next episode

Jay had that on deck he was ready like cocked and loaded with a brilliant question they also asked the uh the interns i think it was have you done gay stuff and i was like it really depends on the definition yeah you know like if it my definition nothing's gay unless it's with a dude I mean I would right? I want you to just elaborate a little bit further you could tell me that doing butt stuff

is gay, it's like well none of the hot chick does it to me oh okay, I see but some people would be like yeah you gotta fuck right that's gay, well I don't know, a hot girl did it to me anything with a girl definitively not gay in my book that's what. And it's like, well, I don't know, a hot girl did it to me. Anything with a girl, definitively not gay in my book. Okay? That's what I'm saying.

See, those are things where I'd get fucking, I'd get fumbled and I'd get a little nervous and I'd, like, gay stuff. Polygraph would be going off the charts.

I've showered with a lot of guys. Yeah, that's what I mean. That's what I mean. I don't know, you tell me. That's why these questions are so good because you're like,

well, does that count? Does that count? Does that count? Does that count? Yeah, I mean, I look at a bunch of guys' dicks in the shower. I peek at every urinal I've ever been at. I guess I'm fucking gay.

What do you want from me? I don't know. Yeah, oh, fine, sure. Sometimes I've searched for a guy on Pornhub. What am I going to tell you? Have I watched Hawkeye's Fucked Up? Yes, I have. Okay?

All the time. I put my Pornhub first, Autofill, Man of Ferraro. I don't know, man. I don't know. It's not my fucking choice exactly pretty fucking gay can I give you a list of male porn stars

who are circumcised and uncircumcised probably can I intricately describe Owen Gray's tattoos? Most likely. If Owen Gray were busted into my house. No, no, no, no. Yeah, we'll go Owen Gray. No, if fucking Johnny Sins busted into my house in a sweatshirt and a ski mask but no pants on,

can I tell the police who it was? Yeah. Yo. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to jinx it. But we're going to do our voicemails right now. This episode is so far. And we know we have Paul Bettany at the back end.

This episode is a perfect game. We have a perfect game in like the seventh inning right now. This episode is so far, and we know we have Paul Batteny at the back end. This episode is a perfect game. We have a perfect game in like the seventh inning right now. I just want I know you're not supposed to do that. I'm just saying there's a lot of pressure. If it goes wrong, we can blame Nick for the voicemail choices. We're going to throw a perfect game.

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I'm going to set this thing up in my house. I'm going to have my kids just fucking beat the shit out of this thing before bed every night. Let them go to sleep after a three-hour workout just beating up the thing on fight camp. I feel like people, it's almost like, you know, this is perfect for you because you don't like to do boring workouts and pretending that you are an action hero fighting. I mean, the thoughts that are going to go through your head when you fight with Fight Camp is – I can't even imagine. You become Mark Wahlberg, saving – stopping terrorist attacks. Yeah, I'm going to picture myself as countless superheroes throughout the whole thing, which I've actually restarted watching the Marvel Universe.

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Join the community. Lose some weight with us for the next month during our weight loss challenge, and you can do intense workouts that are done as quickly as 15 minutes. To get free shipping on Fight Camp, just go to joinfightcamp.com slash KFC. That's joinfightcamp.com slash KFC. Hey, boys. I got a hypothetical for you. So I was watching Letter Kenny and they talked about beat your dick December, which summarized is basically if you beat off every day in December or whatever month it is,

and the number of times you have to beat off each day is equal to the numeric date. So like December 1st, you'd go once, December 2nd, you'd go twice. By December 10th, you'd have to go 10 times. And then if you miraculously made it to the 31st, you'd be jerking off 31 times in one day. So my question is, how far into the month do you think you could get? For this scenario, let's say BJ's sex handjob assistance from whatever is totally okay. As a woman, I could probably make it to day 31,

but I'd be using a vibrator, which is basically cheating. Anyway, curious to hear. I'm not going to call that cheating. Girls can do it. I challenge you to come 31 times, though. That's no easy feat for either sex. I think when you come the 31st time, it looks like fucking Casper. Like your soul comes out of your dick.

Like a genie leaving its body. No. Leaving its bottle. Yep. Like your essence comes out of your dickhead. If I came 31 times in a day, my dick would be like in the Avengers when you die. And it just becomes dust. Oh, dude.

I would start coming out the spirits, my dick would be like in The Avengers when you die and it just becomes dust. Oh, dude, I would start coming out the spirits of my ancestors. Because I'd have no future kids left, so they'd have to go back. I'd be coming that dinosaur, man. The dinosaur with the nice asshole. I'd be coming that thing. I'd fucking come my Aunt Barbara. Oh, man. Did you see that meme that was floating around this week that said uh like my balls when when

we die and my balls think that we populated like the entire earth no because if you think about it your balls are probably thinking like every time you're coming like yeah we're doing it we're pregnant in another one let's go nobody that's been going down john's granite sink the whole time pal let me tell you what. While he's brushing his teeth. I mean, realistically, December 4th? No, see, I could get double digits. I know you can.

I could get further than you'd think, but I couldn't get past week two. And I don't know if I could get to the end of week two. If you can come 14 times in a day, we've got to talk. After, by the way, you've got to come 14 times in a day. Yesterday you came 13 times. The day before that you came 12 times and 11 times. Look, if it's my job, if I'm a professional jerker offer, it can happen. I could.

I'll make it happen. Look, I mean, I'm like the Tom Brady jerking off. I'll fucking – I'll make the changes needed. I'll last. I got a whole method. I haven't been eating tomatoes since I was 14. I will come until my fucking head falls off. It is.

When you find something you love to do, you fucking do it as long as you can. I don't know if I could get to the end of week two, but I just definitely couldn't get past week two. I would be somewhere in the 10 to 14 range. Nick? I don't think I'd make it past a week. Yeah, I mean, that's insanity. John's a fucking weirdo. Sometimes I wonder if John knows what coming is.

Sometimes I'm like, I don't think you actually come. I mean it. Do you know? Stuff has to come out. I'm so happy that's what you said. It comes out 10 times. If you had told something else, I'd be like, what? Imagine that.

I had a moment of panic. Maybe I don't. Maybe it's not right. You can expel semen ten times in a day that's where my self confidence levels at that's some Hank shit

I'm a 32 year old man who just briefly thought that he didn't know how to ejaculate yeah things come out I've done it before until things just don't

come out anymore but it is... Or dick. It is... Like, sometimes you're hungover on a Saturday or Sunday. Fucking... I don't know. I'm not going to get out of bed.

I just got shit to do. I got nothing to do but fucking beat this hangover out of me. Some people sweat it out. Yeah, me too. We just sweat it a different way. Got that whoop going, baby. Next up. What's up, KSC, Spikes, rest of the posse?

I got a quick question for you. This is a girl I'm kind of like not really talking to seriously, but we just like flirt with each other all the time. But we have conveniently pondered the idea of making a no-faith OnlyFans account together. I don't know how OnlyFans works or anything about it. But I just kind of want to know your thoughts on setting up OnlyFans with your friends' benefits, I guess, or that's what it would turn into. I think this is a thought that many people have had this year. Everyone's had.

Also, I had serious thoughts about this at one time. You did? Very. Well, here's the deal, and this is the problem. I looked into it. But I was told by a friend in the adult industry, a good friend of ours, Asa Akira, not that I ever, I never, I never went to her like,

here's what I'm thinking. But I was like, so what do you think about like these amateur people and not showing their face? And she was just like, you always have to go into it expecting like to be ready for what will happen when you're exposed because you will be exposed to somebody,

maybe not the world, but like somebody is going to find out where it will find out. Even if it's a single person, like you will have to, nobody gets away with it forever. It's like robbing a bank, you know, it's like being a criminal.

It's like, you know you end up in jail. On that similar topic, I saw a headline actually the other day, that a, because this happened with the OnlyFans, the EMT. Yes.

And, there's also a Taco Bell worker, who just got fired. This is exactly where I'm going. A fans, the EMT. Yes. There's also a Taco Bell worker who just got fired. This is exactly where I'm going. Taco Bell. I mean, who does Taco Bell think they are? Who the fuck do you think you are? Taco Bell, you're serving me dog food when I'm drunk, and you can't have a porn star hand it to me?

Fuck you. If you were a Wendy's, maybe we can talk. Taco Bell, know where you are. Know your station in life. If a porn star wants to start working for you, you say fucking thank you. Here's your free fourth meal. Get behind the register.

They should have exclusively porn stars work at Taco Bell. It'd be awesome. I'd go to Taco Bell all the time. Stay up late or whatever. Fucking Taco Bell. Let's hit the drive-thru. We'll fucking see what was her name? Fuck. Who would be a good Taco Bell porn star? Who would work at Taco Bell. Let's hit the drive-thru. We'll fucking see, you know, what was her name? Fuck.

Who would be a good Taco Bell porn star? Who would work at Taco Bell? Yeah. Oh, boy. Tori Kelly, right? Tori Kelly. She'd fucking spit in the food, tell you to go fuck yourself. Tori.

Tori. Excuse me. I ordered, like, the Chalupa, not the Gordian. Take it fucking home and eat it. Tori Kelly fucking locked that store up. 10 minutes. We're closing time. Every time to be knocking at Doria.

It's a 55. It's a 55. We're closed. She's got her fucking tits out in the back. I, I think, I think her name is Tori Kelly. She was the mean one,

right? Yeah. Tori Kelly was the guy. She's just fucking send guys running off set. Like, get me the fuck out of here. Oh my God. Taco Bell.

A little too big for your britches. Yeah, I mean. Get. Who do we possibly think? Taco Bell's had a bad run. They got rid of those potatoes. They got rid of the nacho fries. Just give the people what they want.

Fucking potatoes and porn stars. Potatoes and porn stars should be the new motto for Taco Bell 2021. Christ on the cross um but this is a thing where it is like i think everybody i think that the the only fans influx is i think if you're it's almost like podcasting where unless you have a great idea it's probably a little late yeah i would think so you gotta be like astoundingly good at it. Because super hot or have like a hook. We're in the middle of a global pandemic where how many millions of people are unemployed? A lot of them have turned to only.

You are not the first. You either need to be a weapon or you got to have a great gimmick. And I haven't seen many great gimmicks yet. No. Because I don't care for gimmicks in my porn. I don't either. But like our guys, Kevin and Foley came up with Are You Garbage? And it's like the most in an era where, everyone's like i can't listen to i can't possibly listen

one more podcast they came up with a hook that's like oh i that is so different if you can do that for your only fans i don't know what it is because you're right i don't want you i don't want you fucking chit chat you know but i mean i could use some chit chat you got one subscriber but if you can come up with that you're gonna pay your rent during this pandemic let's get into our last voicemail is brought to you by upstart you know that credit card the one you're afraid to look at see the balance yeah that's every credit card every credit card i've ever had i am afraid to check the balance my credit right now has got to be not great. I pay off the minimum absolutely every single time. So now it's time to confront your debt.

You can't hide from it. That's one of those things. I'm like, if I just don't look at it, it'll be fine. Spoiler alert, it's not. I don't know why my tactic of burying my head in the sand for everything for my entire life hasn't worked. It doesn't work. I think it's coming around. We're turning this franchise around.

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and certain other information provided at your loan application. That's upstart.com slash KFC. Yo, KFC, Fights, whoever else is there. Little question, and maybe I'm weird for getting this weirded out about it. I don't know. I feel like y'all will agree with me, but I just moved to a brand new city. I know zero people, and especially in a pandemic, it's quite hard to change that. I have a temporary job, and I met this one dude who's, like, pretty cool. And, like, I've hung out with him, like, once at his house with him and his girlfriend and all that shit. Seems like a good dude. Real cool.

I don't know how to, like, now I feel stupid bringing it up, but at the same time, I don't. Every time this dude has to go to the bathroom, like, he's very normal in every other way, but he's like, hey, I have to go pee-pee. Oh. Like, says pee-pee. Oh, I hate that.

And, like, I haven't heard him talk about having to go shit, so I have no idea if he says, like, poo-poo, too. But, like, he's a really normal, cool dude in every way. He just says pee-pee every time he has to go to the bathroom. And it's not as a joke, and it's straight-faced and serious, and I don't know. It's weird. Bye.

I mean... It's a big thing for me. Andy Sawi. Yeah, I mean, I hate this. I don't even say, like, potty with my kids. And that's, like, universally done. Mike, you gotta take a piss, Keegan. You wanna put your dick on the granite and piss in the sink?

Go ahead. Keegan, here's a red. Go have a fucking shit. No, but I'll definitely be like, you got to pee? You got to go to the bathroom? I got to pee. Pee is absolutely horrendous. There is no world in which this is okay.

This is, anything that's infantilizing, I find disgusting. Because as I mentioned earlier, it's a kid thing. I don't really, I just don't, it's just, I feel weirded out a kid thing i don't really i just don't it's just i feel weirded out by kids i don't fucking i don't like them it's it's just weird to be around and if i fucking start talking like a kid the only way you can talk the only you can talk kidded to is dogs that's true and even like i wouldn't say peepee i'm like maddie what actually i don't even really talk i'm like i'll be like hey girl what's up and then like you want to go take rip rip of piss real quick? But that's about it.

After the initial greeting, we're back to regular colloquialisms. But it's just fucking – it's sick. It's perverted. It's borderline prison-worthy. It's definitely pre-crime. Again, put the cuffs on you, and when you say pee-peepee i want to cuff you because you're eventually going to do something but i also feel bad because like i have a bathroom phrase that i can't shake and i don't like saying it what do you say i say i go hit the head and like that's a very dad phrase is it oh yeah it's like my dad says that

a lot um like every time that's okay you think it's okay yeah it's the opposite direction it's like you're you know you're getting you're you're you're early you're you're it's okay? Yeah, it's the opposite direction. It's like you're getting – you're early. It's an old man phrase. I've said it forever. I just – I'm just – That's right up there when people say hit the john. Hit the head and hit the john is – I think that's like a ship thing. The head is the bathroom. Yeah, so I don't know.

That's cool. Sailors say it. You can say it. Fuck that. Yeah. I got to go pee-pee. It's from my naval upbringing. I got to go pee-pee is like have some self-respect, dude.

It's – I'm going to blame the girlfriend. Somebody. I'm blaming somebody. Put your fucking foot down. Someone's catching a stray here. Yeah. There's no way a fully functioning adult man is saying this. And also, dude, stop hanging out with people from work.

As I say, the only one I hang out with – All your friends are from work. That's okay. It's just – it's different here. It is. This isn't a regular workplace. I agree. I agree.

When people hung out at Deloitte, I was like, you fucking like each other? I tolerate this dude. Me and my one work friend, the garbage man, I think we're both like, we're friends,

but if you were to really press us, I think each of us would have been like, well, we tolerate the other person because I met them through work. The only thing we have in common is this godforsaken place. But you can go out, just go to bars and meet people, man.

That's not easy. Well, I don't meet people. I just don't meet anybody. You don't need friends. I agree with that to an extent. I don't get lonely, but I do get bored. Okay, that's fair. I'm not like, oh, I wish someone was here.

I think at a certain age you find someone to fuck, and that's why you're not lonely. It's like Alec Baldwin in The Departed, you know? It's like, oh, I wish someone was here. I think at a certain age you find someone to fuck, and that's why you're not lonely. It's like Alec Baldwin in The Departed, you know? It's like, you gotta get married. Everyone knows you're not a weirdo. You know what I mean? That's the only reason to get married. Just don't be lonely.

Don't be a weirdo. Find someone to fuck, and you don't have to find friends. But when you meet people from work, because they talk work at work, you can get blindsided by things such as this. Did you say pee-pee? I thought you were normal. Nope, you are not. You got your poo-poo? Stop it!

Does Kevvy Webby need a diaper change? You son of a bitch. Stop it right fucking now. Atrocious. Anybody who does that, atrocious. Lock them the fuck up. I kind of want to start doing it. I'm going to start doing it. If you do that, dude, if you start saying potty, I will fucking kill you.

Excuse me, guys. I got to go pee-pee. We got a good boy Johnny Boy going to go pee-pee in the toilet. If it means you'll stop rubbing your dick on your granite sink, maybe I'll allow it. Oh, I got to go pee-pee in the sink. You like it a little too much already. Fuck. I know. Don't do it it's top

notch top notch we're gonna get into paul betty a second first though did you see joe biden's bible i did see the bible yes it was what is that size like 82 font it is just the bible it was huge it's no i mean like it's just the bible it's all in handwriting it's on oh it was the yeah it was the original bible that joe biden was present for the writing of like uh like uh peter and joe biden sat there and transcribed mary all right and it was like uh there should be the gospel according to biden like joe what did you see when they moved the rock from the tomb since you were fucking there for the resurrection of christ you old son of a bitch i think i think that's a bible from 1850 i think i saw or something like that that's crazy what's also also crazy that that's not that old.

Well, we were talking about, like, so Kelly Keegs' grandma said, this is my 15th president that I've seen sworn in. Tom Brady's 5th. And to me, that sounds like... Tom Brady's 5th he was playing during his career. Yeah, Tom Brady's 5th in his career. That's sickening. It's so crazy. How many White Houses did he go to?

I don't know. I think he stopped going in Obama. So I think he went to Bush. I don't know. He didn did he go to? I don't know. I think he stopped going in Obama. So I think he went to Bush. I don't know. He didn't go to Trump. I don't know if he went to one Obama. That's crazy. Because Obama was... He just stopped going.

Obama was in... I've been here. I've done this party a lot of times, guys. I don't want to do this anymore. Obama was 06, 10 to 14, right? No, he was 08, 0... 08 to 16, right, obviously. So the Pats, I don't think he ever went to Obama then.

I think he just did the George Bush ones. Hmm. Interesting. Just going to put that out there. We didn't go to the Trump ones either. We do know he was wearing that MAGA hat and he didn't even go to Obama once. Didn't go to Trump ones either. I think because they won two with Trump.

QAnon. QAnon member Tom Brady. All right. That's what he's. I'm going to get him into QAnon member Tom Brady. All right. I'm going to get him into QAnon so he fucking retires. So he just sits on the internet all day. I can't play. I got to research Q.

Q. How sad is it to be Q people today? I can answer because I saw their message boards. Very sad. Well, the face swap was complete. What are you talking about? Aren't they happy? No.

That, I guess, didn't catch on completely. And they're all just like, fuck. They're like, so this was for nothing? I love it. Oh, I love it. They're like, I'm confused. He's just getting sworn in. That's so fucking funny. Can you imagine that?

You thought that you were on a four-year crusade? I mean, you've got to be the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. Yeah. Who's dumber? The people who spend their time on the message boards or the people who still on the capitol like who's the bigger loser the person who puts it into action and it's like congratulations you just ruined your life and donald trump is fucking on a helicopter out of here or the person who literally converts like their whole life and loses all their friends and family because they're on message boards all day the person who converts the whole life me too

well the capitol i could be like listen i not going to say I was just walking by. I'm not going to say I would storm the Capitol. I could get caught up in something. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, I was like, yeah, I'm like a puppy. We're like, we're playing over here. It's like it's like I walk by Union Square. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll watch that guy perform. Yeah, I'll watch that kid do.

You know what? I did need a farmer's market trip. Right. Next thing you know, I'd be in the Capitol. Fuck. How did I get here? I could just as easily be convinced to purchase a fruit at a farmer's market. That could be

to storm the capital rotunda. I agree. It would take someone asking me moderately politely. I'd be like, all right. Yo, you want to come? Well, yeah. I could see them being like, yo, can you just come with me for five minutes? I need your charger or something.

I'd be like, yeah, okay, dude. Whatever. They could tell me exactly what it was. You know, we're going to go. That sounds like a time. You know, I don't have an interview until four so i'm looking for something to do that still nancy blows his computer whatever sure before we get into our interview uh biden was sworn in on the bible but we learned today that you can get sworn in on anything i don't know if that's true well yeah i mean i don't know i don't know about anything

anything i'm sure they have a list of things you're allowed to be sworn in on. But it's also one of my favorite CNN interviews of the last four years. When they questioned about the Bible? It wasn't Trump. It was about fucking Roy Moore. He was the guy who was running for senator in Alabama and just got caught fucking a bunch of kids from back in the 70s. It was like a 21-16 thing, not like an old, old man fucking a child thing.

Not like practice pitching. Still not okay, but also it does have a different vibe to it. Bad vibes. He had his fucking idiot Alabama campaign manager or whatever on CNN, and he's like, well, it can't be this person because they're a Muslim, and they're going to get sworn in on the Quran. You can't get sworn in on the Quran. You got to swear in on the Bible.

And Jake Tapper's like, no, you don't. And he kind of dumbfounded, like, pause. And he had the open mouth and everything. Yeah. And Tapper's like, did you not know that?

Oh, no. I've been in public office three times. I'm sorry. I've sworn in on the bible because that's because you're a christian you chose it and the guy just goes okay thank you that's roy roy boy's campaign man have you seen the uh it was some protest video where the guy's like uh talking to like a crazy maggot guy and he's like have you read the united states constitution and i saw i didn't see the video. I saw a four-path screen.

It's Jordan Klepper. Yeah, and he's like, no way. I didn't read the whole thing. He's like, it's exceptionally short. You could read it. And it's just like, I don't think that's true. I don't think so. He's like, I can't imagine that's the case.

Or something like that. Which does feel like, the Constitution does feel like it should be super long. But it's like one page. You know what it is. You've seen it, right? It's one fucking page. It's a big page, but it's one page. It's a huge page. Yeah, yeah. To be fair, that's a huge page. You know what it is. You've seen it, right? It's one fucking page. It's a big page, but it's one page. It's a huge page. To be fair, that's a huge page.

It's a page, I would guess, it's like this big. Yeah, that's a lot of writing. That's a lot of writing. I mean, if you read two full pages of a newspaper, that's a lot of writing. I would say, if you break it down to book size, it is ten pages. Pretty short.

Yeah. I don't think that's the case. That's plucked straight out of Veep. You know what I mean? So what would you get sworn in on if you get to pick? God, it's so many options here. We're thinking things that were important in your life. If you say something about Tom Brady, I will smash that bottle of St. Hubert's Stag over your head.

I wasn't going to. TB12 sportsman. No, I was going to say the 1992 year in sports VHS. Why was 1992? It was a VHS that I actually broke. Watching it so often over and over and over and over. It was Cowboys. It was the big Oilers over the Bills year.

There it is. Yeah, great. It's a great – I forget what fight – what one of the big fights that year was. But there was like someone had jumped out of a plane. They parachute into the middle of the ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bama won the Sugar Bowl, which was the national championship that year. That was when Mario Lemieux returned from

non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Wait, was it? Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. And scored on his first shift back. Just a big year for sports. It was a good year. And it was one of the

founding pillars of my life. I was four years old. Old enough to like – And I just loved sports. Yeah. And I was like, I'm doing all this stuff. And I think I already played hockey and baseball maybe at that age. But it was just like that was a big thing.

Another option would be Britney Spears hit me maybe one more time to cover. That was a big one. Oh, yeah. I could definitely go with like the Carmen Electra posters. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just roll out that fucking big poster. Oh, if we're doing that. that was a big one I could definitely go with the Carmen Electra posters oh yeah just roll out that fucking big poster oh if we're doing that see if we're doing like founding things in your life

Tara Reed Tyra Banks on the cover of Sports Illustrated that was the first time I was like whoa I like this that's doing it I think I should if we're just talking about what makes the most sense, it'd probably just be like a laptop. Right?

Yeah. But I think just for a comedic effect, I would just make it a 12-inch dick. Just a huge dick. Just to make someone have to hold a fucking fat dildo out there and me just be like. Kevin starts sucking it. I solemnly just for just to watch the country's head explode just imagine if biden was just jerking off a dick today one of those fucking ones you strap onto your face yes yes justice roberts pop that on so i can fucking suck it

real quick and we'll leave you on that note paul betany now joins the show. In this world, you are either basically Team Feidelberg or Team KFC. When it comes to several things, certainly the pants. It's a big overlap in the diagram. Yeah, that's what I mean. But the other ones are. We agree mostly, but when we disagree, we disagree. And Paul Bettany is decidedly a Feidelberg guy. And I'm decidedly a Paul Bettany guy. And I'm a Paul Bettany guy, but also fuck Paul Bettany is decidedly a Fidelberg guy and I'm decidedly a Paul Bettany guy

and I'm a Paul Bettany guy but also fuck Paul Bettany because you know he's not a team KFC guy as I tell him you're either with me or against me as I tell him in the interview since I was young I wanted to be a Paul Bettany character when I grew up

what year did the Knight's Tale come out? 98 let's say? I would have guessed 98, yeah. It is, and that's, so I was 10 years old. No, 2001. Okay, so I was 13. And I was 13 years old, really started thinking about my future, and I was like, this is who I want to be.

I want to be Geoffrey Chaucer in A Knight's Tale. I don't want to be actually Chaucer. Fuck it, Canterbury Tales. Bunch of fucking pilgrims. 24 stories about pilgrims. Fuck a dick. But the uh but um but his version yeah his version of just a drunkard which might be what i don't know what

what joshua was actually like but his version of a naked drunkard who yells at crowds of people does sound like what paul bettany is actually like it sounds like it sounds like i was pretty 13 year old maybe pretty happy yeah yeah yeah i mean that you you were aiming for the you know whatever's well beneath the stars but you got there you got there bud but he is just a uh a a very funny fucking guy who is smart i was like is paul bettany smart or is he like i play you know when girls play the game like is he hot or is he is he tall is he hot is he wearing a backwards hat i'm like is he smart or does he have an accent? And I can confirm that, yes, he sounds smarter because he has an accent, but he's also smart.

He's a smart guy. He knows what he's talking about. But he's also, he admits that he dropped out of school at 16. Right. Yeah, he's a street smart guy. He's a street smart. Yeah. So let's do it.

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Here he is. What's going on? How you doing? Oh, everything's so tickety-boo. Thank you very much for asking. How about with you? I mean, I'm delightful. I want to say something real quick.

I've seen a few of your more recent interviews you always look sharp as hell yeah this is how I expect you to look when I think of you this is the look I expect you always come through thank you very much do you ever just pop on like a hoodie and sweatpants I feel like you don't do that

I just I can't I have this real issue with that stuff yeah I I'm the only person I can't. I have this real issue with that stuff. Issue? Yeah, I'm the only person in the whole world that hasn't worn sweatpants during the pandemic. You're talking to another freaking weirdo over here. When you get home at night, you're wearing jeans, you're wearing packy slack, I don't know,

whatever you're wearing. You get home, you just keep those pants on? You don't change into some sweatpants? Yes, because I'm not a heathen. That's my guy, Paul. That's my guy. I will say, I will say coming from him with his accent sounds a lot more like, okay, I get it coming from you.

You're a bag of shit. You should wear sweatpants too. Okay, let's be clear about this. Men that are over 25 should not be wearing shorts ever unless they're by a body of water or about to perform an athletic event. That's fair. I'll give you shorts. But what about sweatpants? Another problem is flip-flops in the city.

Oh, that's just disgusting. I mean, that's, you know. Men that wear flip-flops in the city, you just can't. That's just a matter of potentially life and death. I mean, that's, you know. Men that wear flip flops in the city. You just can't. That's just a matter of potentially life and death. I mean, you can't be doing that. That's as dangerous as it gets. I think you and I see so eye to eye right now. I'm sorry, what did you say?

What age are you to? I'm 32. I'm 35. Okay, so you can't wear shorts. But no, I don't have a problem with shorts. I'm with you. Shorts, I'm not wearing shorts. But sweatpants, I'm wearing every goddamn day now. Listen to me.

I'm going to talk you out of it. You're losing your look with every year that goes by. True. This is true. And the only thing you can do is start to dress better. That's it. Make better choices about your clothing now what if what if it's too late you've crossed the rudicon that's what i mean yeah that's it i'm done

he i i asked him probably last week i was like yo, how are you doing? Just on a mental level. Because there have been a lot of sweatpants flying around. Wearing them right now. Wearing them right now, Paul. See, to me, I was always like, I always loved sweatpants, sweatshirts, being comfortable. But I would wear regular clothes. I would just change out of them immediately. And then with the pandemic, it was like, see you fucking later, jeans.

Get out of here. You're gone. Never again. How do you sleep at night very comfortably in my sweatpants paul what are you sleeping well this sounds to me if you're wearing sweatpants every day it sounds to me like you're going to somebody's gonna you're you know here's the problem i don't want somebody to find me dead on the couch with cigarette burns and i feel like sweatpants is the gateway to that it's the first step yeah yeah you're right what if i'm a victim of a home invasion and i'm rescued and it's on tv and stuff like that and i come out in sweatpants like i'm like an asshole like

that guy should have been home invaded that's your this is exactly my point you've got you've got to imagine all possibilities i i i credit all this to my mother because my mother used to beat all kinds of stuff into me not literally but the yeah sometimes but the she always told me you always have to wear good underwear because you never know who's going to see it. And she enforced that by they thought I broke my neck in a hockey game. And I was stretched off in an ambulance to the hospital. They had to cut all my equipment off me. And when they cut my equipment off, they realized that she saw that I had a hole in my boxes.

And she just goes, oh, John Henry. The kid's almost dead. The kid almost is paralyzed and she's worried about the underwear. It's crazy. And, cool. Yes, it's cool, but she was setting me up for a future. I bet there are no holes in your underpants now. I inspect them every time before I put them on, like making sure there's just not a little

rip at the seam. And if I do, they go right in the trash. Of course you do. What if I break my neck, Paul? What if my home's invaded and I'm paralyzed, Paul?

What then? At least I look sharp going out. Oh my God. We'll, we'll get into a Wanda vision and marvel and everything in a moment um but i i i think i have a beef with you because um i just watched uh the unabomber series uh both me and my ex-wife did and you were uh a little too convincing and and good at that role where i was walking away like you know ted had a couple

of good points and i was like fuck man paul what did you do to me but that was uh that was a great series very interesting and like you you knocked that one out of the park yeah it's a difficult one isn't it yes um yeah i mean if it were a movie, it would be a stalwart detective chases madman. But when you have like eight hours of television, you can get into the Unabomber's domestic life. You can get into it. That kind of gets uncomfortable when you look at all the MKUltra stuff. And you're like, oh, my gosh, what happened to this kid? But what I will tell you is this here's my thinking about tech

kaczynski because i really didn't want people to be like guys got a point well let me tell you we can't really trust what you have to say. Ted Kaczynski could have blown up the national grid. Yeah. He was that smart. Right. He was like making bombs out of mushrooms or whatever. I mean, it's amazing.

But he could have blown up the national grid and not hurt anybody. But he chose to blow up like a mom and pop computer store you know it was something about human beings and it's something about a fury at people being able to make human connections in a way that had been taken away from him because of damage or whatever but he had a mom who used to tell him about his underpants. That's what he had. Or didn't. Right, maybe that was the problem. He's wearing too many sweatpants. I could take his underpants during his arrest. But yeah, I think what

he did was so ghastly and so personal and so so not what he could have made his point a very different way and i actually just felt anger at human beings ability to connect and and i think it's the same decision to go off and live in the woods you know it was so lonely that you go to a place where well of course you're lonely you live in the middle of the woods right right and you've got holes in your anywhere yeah i i um the environmentalism stuff of it i I think was something that he,

yes, he believed in, but also he was imposing and used as a reason to just tear people apart because he couldn't have what they had. I mean, it's a little unfair to be like, why don't I have any friends? And you live alone in the middle of the woods.

That's why you don't have any friends, man. I think it was episode seven of that one, which is the one that kind of highlights mk ultra which i didn't know anything about and i was like oh we made him that was kind of us which i think is a lot how we tell american history and probably british history too uh where it's just like yeah we're just gonna say like he was a crazy guy who lived in the woods and we're gonna leave out everything we had to do with it. This is right, and actually it's the stuff of great horror, right? It's that it's like, yeah,

it's the whole idea is you come to the city, you leave your weapons, and the city will protect you. It's got walls, it's got, but what if the monsters inside, and we're going to keep the monsters out, but what if the monsters are inside the walls? And what if we've made a monster that's already inside by mistake?

I mean, that's what I thought was so compelling about the scripts that I read and why I was really interested in it. Smart guy. This is why your vision. You're a smart guy. You got the brains up there, right? I've just got an accent. Yeah, that's true too. Americans tend to think people with British accents are smart.

100% all you are at least a little bit smarter than I am. No doubt. Even if you were a busker at one point. Every British busker is much smarter than I am. I don't even need these glasses. And I'm actually from Hoboken, New Jersey. So the trip, you know, the Marvel journey started as Jarvis, right? Just as kind of, I guess that's just voice work, right?

Yes. I got a phone call from Jon Favreau who said, Paul, I've got this part of this computer. It's this disembodied voice of a computer that sort of lives in Tony Stark's suit. And I need somebody with no personality whatsoever. And I thought of you immediately. Whatever. Whatever Jon Favreau's – when that's the phone call that you get, whatever he says, all good, man. That's the phone call you want to be getting these days.

All right, Favreau's I'm in. And then this whole journey, uh, crazy. Which is just long. I mean, the journey is bonkers.

Turns out it's over three decades. Right. Told me that. And I was like, who told me that? And I was like, what? That's, is that, that's true. You're like the Tom Brady of the Marvel Universe. Yeah. You've been in a minute, man.

I can tell Brett just can't quit. Just fucking retire already. Both of you. Paul Bettany and Tom Brady. Get out of my life. I might have lost a couple of steps, but I'm still here. Was there already part of you when Vision became Vision where you were like, I kind of want to just keep doing the voice stuff? Yeah, it's pretty easy doing this shit.

The voice stuff is a pretty good gig. The voice stuff is great because they just give you a bag of cash and it takes about six hours. You know what I love about you? We've talked to other people who've done work uh voice work and they're like you know it's characterized as easy money and it's not he's like yeah i fucking um yeah i felt like i was a pirate. Like, literally, I'm like, I'm stopping these people. This is ridiculous. And they're so, they're so grateful because,

okay, so they've made a movie. There might be some confusion. They do some CG. They, you know, they maybe do a reshoot. If it's still confusing, you can just have vision going,

you've got bad guys on your left. Right. And everyone's like, oh my God, that was so bad, Paul. And you go,

I could do this all day. Bad guys. And everyone was like, oh my god, that was so clever, Paul. I used to do this all day. Back to cash. And then they put me in a goddamn race. And you've got to have the thing in your head and you're red. It's not like a walk in the park. Jesus Christ. It was great.

And that is as difficult as wearing really cumbersome costume. It's and then getting paid a lot. Yeah, I have been really, really blessed. I feel really lucky. And I mean, to now have your own show is like that even an even larger leap where it's you know not you're not one of i mean how many there's 50 goddamn avengers you know you're not one of uh of a pack anymore you are you know carrying the load now so we'll see if you really got the goods now paul because you don't have a good enough track record as it is now it's time you you know, beautiful mind. Who's this guy?

That's why they kept him only in voice. Are you happy to have the face out there now? Because Vision, you were always, you know, Vision. Now we're Vision in the past and we get to see what Vision actually looks like. Yeah, I don't know. That's why I've grown a beard and shaved my head. I don't know about that bit yet because I'm mostly able to have all of the good bit, like the fun of the creativity of it all,

and then the paycheck, and then nice tables at restaurants and none of the none of the none of the slightly annoying bit so i don't know about that yet because well i haven't been out of my fucking house who's gonna recognize what did you think about uh i mean you had to have known those first episodes dropping are uh very different very unique kind of weird um and that's got to be fun to be putting out some shit that you know is going to like blow people's minds, especially, you know, comic book stuff is pretty formulaic or people usually know what they're going to get. And this I think is a total departure from that, where it's like, you know, something they've never seen before.

Yeah. I mean, I think that Marvel has historically taken really big swings and they have been, um, they've been rewarded when they do. I mean, I think it's really easy to forget what a massive risk having Jon Favreau direct, uh,

Iron Man and, and having him direct Robert Downey Jr. Yeah. I mean, uh iron man and and having him direct robert down jr yeah i mean was a real maverick idea and it was brilliant and it and they were both brilliant and they were paid off for taking such a massive swing and then you know i mean ant-man and that i mean all frankly all of them guardians and then reinventing thor yeah it's it's i feel like it gets a bad rap because it's it's not a bad rap i mean everybody loves them but it's fun it's not it's not like you know heavy material

and i think people almost critique that it's like there's still a lot of art in that and a lot of you know work and a lot of everything else in all of acting is in these movies as well. Yeah. And also the skill of making those movies. And anybody who's ever actually made a movie looks at those movies and secretly they know how hard those movies are to make. And ultimately, at the end of the day, isn't the goal to have people walking out of the theater going like, God, that was fucking awesome. Whether it's because you cried or whether it was because you thought or whatever you feel like Marvel's hitting the right part of your heart. Yes, and also Marvel has got something to say. whether, you know, in this case, a group of superpowered individuals or a, you know, superpower should unilaterally be able to make decisions

and go into other people's sovereign nations. Right. Yeah, that's some heavy shit. Right. That's not a big thing. And actually, it was really interesting going around on the tour for selling that is that the whole rest of the world were two-thirds on when we Downey would always go,

who in the audience is on Cap's side? Who in the audience is on my side? Whole rest of the world, two-thirds were on Downey's side. In America, it was two-thirds on Captain America's. That checks out. People told me to go into a night. It was really fascinating to kind of see that.

They felt – here they felt there was no need for a UN or some sort of governing body to decide. Yeah, it's fascinating, embarrassing. I don't know. Whichever word you want to put on it, I don't know. I'm an American, man. Why? You're late. Let me tell you something about you.

You're late to the party. You're showing up to the party when the cops are here and it's over. I don't know. What are you thinking? Two weeks ago, my mom missed underwear or three months ago, whatever it was. She's checking in because her mom's from Canada. She's like, can I switch over? And you're coming on to our side? You're coming in. It's crazy.

The ship is sinking. It's time to fight for the Republic, guys. You know what I mean? For 20 years, it's been incredibly generous to me, this place. And I saw that

bloated demigod being inaugurated and I just thought I mean what I didn't factor in is that I should have moved to Florida to actually but boy did it feel good finally you know because you know it's been 20 years of taxation without representation and you know how that could fit yeah that's how i felt when i was 16 and 17 they had taken taxes out of the um the job market

maybe you shouldn't be voting anymore maybe it's maybe it's a young person's game voting i don't know i just um i felt like you know it's time to um and the other thing, you know, it's time to, um, the other thing was, you know, whenever you said something on social media, you get a bunch of just super annoying, unenlightened people going, you're not even a fucking American man. Well, you, you showed them and I'm sure they're going to stop now, Paul. I'm sure the guys on social media are going to be a lot nicer. Why, why are you even on social media why like i i imagine you're doing pretty well paul bettany what's what's the the point of being on twitter like if i i have to be for my job if i could get

off social media i probably wouldn't because i'm addicted to it at this point but if i could have at some point you know kind of headed that off at the pass, that would have been pretty nice. Well, here's the thing. There are slightly annoying things about social media, which is that at times when, say, you know, a bunch of pituitary gland substandard. I'm not going to say that. A bunch of people, you know, and you're like,

I just want to get raw information right now. That can be quite amazing for that. I do think that it needs to be regulated in a way that if you were disseminating news and I can't sue you for libel. Right. A real problem, because you can just say anything. People have this sort of weird confusion about what freedom of speech is. It doesn't mean I can just say any shit. With no consequences. I could say,

I think you're an idiot, but I can't say I think you're a murdering idiot. And I certainly can't say he's a murdering idiot. I think a crowd should take matter into their own hands and deal with it. That would be inciting. So people are really confused I think a crowd should take matter into their own hands and deal with it.

That would be inciting. You know, so people are really confused about what freedom of speech actually means. Right. So, but the question is, why am I on social media? I asked myself this question so many times. And I think I'm going to be, I think I've got to be dumb on social media. Oh, that's the voice of a man who's not going to be done with social media. I can already hear it. Listen, do it right now then.

Delete it from your phone right now. Prove it. You're not going to because you're addicted. You're just like us, Paul. You and your fancy pants and your accent and your new citizenship. You're just like us on Twitter. Yes, but I don't wear sweatpants when I do it. Touche, man.

Touche. I don't know about writing a tweet when I'm wearing, like, grown-up pants. As opposed to you who's sort of running around in pajamas all day. I'll be honest, me on pajamas on Twitter is a better fit. Like, Twitter is an app for people in sweatpants.

You shouldn't be on it. You should delete it. You should get off of Twitter. You're above it. I will give you that. Leave me in the skelves. She's never done it. My missus is that. Leave me in the scales. My wife is so above it all. She's never done it. My missus is just so much classier than I am.

She's in a great show now, too, A Much of Snowpiercer. That show is unbelievable. I love Snowpiercer. Isn't it? It feels so present or prescient, I think you say, right? It keeps sort of delivering the stuff that you go, how did they know this was about to happen? Right, I know. It's very poignant right now.

And there are some scenes, man, with the arms and the snow and the ice that are like, holy shit, I can't believe some of the things are on that show. It's very good. Yeah, you guys are doing pretty good right now. Your household is doing pretty well right now on the TV and entertainment front. Yeah, things are good. Household is doing pretty well right now on the TV and entertainment front. Yeah, things are good. And I mean, you know, I just want to go out and be able to, you know,

the whole pandemic thing is I'd like to go out and just lick a stranger. Sounds like me on a Friday night, Paul. Spend a lot of this city I can't remember I think people frowned on that always but at the moment it feels like the thing that I want to do you're hanging out in the wrong spots you come with me bro

oh man alright well what were you raised in? I was raised in Boston in the green swan we wear pants in Boston we're the green swan. Boston. You were raised in Boston. Yeah. We wear pants in Boston. We're cultural. I just love, I love ice hockey because I can understand it. Because it's soccer on ice.

It's soccer on ice. I think we should put more sports on ice, like basketball, like pitches. Why stop at hockey? Why do we do that? I put everything on ice. Let's try it. It is scary, though, because once you start doing things on ice, you get a bit of a higher feeling about yourself.

I actually, I would liken being able to skate like having a British accent. You're like, I'm a little better than everybody. I can see that. Because the people who step on the ice who can't skate, I mean, you're like a baby giraffe. We actually, we got in a big fight once, or I got in a big fight once, with Jay Cutler because I said the talent gap between me and him is larger in hockey than it is in football.

He's talking to a professional quarterback, by the way. He's like, what are you talking about? He's like, I'm an NFL quarterback. I'm like, yeah, but I can skate, and you can't. So I can do that. I can throw a football. I can't throw it as far or as well as you, but I can throw a football. You can't do the basic thing in ice sports.

He was so mad. He was so mad at you, and rightfully so, probably. That's so funny. Where are you all now? Where is KFC Radio? We're in New York. Actually, you want to come hang out? I'd love to.

I'd love to. I mean, you're not strangers anymore so i'm not gonna lick you or anything i i'll tell you this much i will put on pants for you i'll put on real pants for you if you come have a beer paul i would for you i would when this is all over let's let's make an agreement that we're all gonna meet up and have a beer together i'm telling you i'll tell you what's gonna happen six months from now i'm to come cash in on this and you're going to be like, fuck, I can't believe I said that. Never mind.

We're going to go and drink some beers and eat enough cheese to host the World Gout Competition. I love it. I actually, I'm happy you mentioned beers because in episode two of WandaVision, you for a fair portion of the episode, you appear to be quite drunk. You're actually just gummed up

a bit. But I was wondering if like Leonardo DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street had to be taught how to act like he was on drugs. You didn't have to be taught how to pretend to be drunk? No. Are you a method actor

when it comes to that? No, I wasn't drunk whilst doing it. But I, you know, I put enough, um, I put enough time into, uh, I got to sense memory. I mean, I was raised in Britain. Well, I heard you actually say you said recently I didn't there was the night, I think it was after you had

a poor review of a show you did with Matthew Rhys and you said that night I tried to outdrink a Welshman, which I didn't know is a phrase, but as someone who's worked on multiple sets with Russell Crowe, is it easier to out-drink a Welshman or an Aussie? A Welshman or impossible, because they'll go until they're dead. I mean, look at Dylan Thomas.

He literally drank himself to death, you know, like, what, two miles away from, where are you in New York right now? Like midtown, right by Madison Square Garden. Oh, my God. You're like a mile away from where Dylan Thomas drunk himself to death in a pub. I mean, they just don't stop it, you know? And Matthew Rhys was a master at it in those days. Actually, he lives just across the way. Bring him over.

Bring him with the cheese and the beer. We'll all hang out. No, we'll just do it. A little double date, all right? That would be awesome. It would be lovely. I'm holding you to it. I'm holding you to it. Before we let you go, we do have one question

that we just had on Anthony Mackie, Falcon, and we were talking about Falcon and the Winter Soldier, which is also coming out on Disney Plus soon, and we were discussing if... What is that? What is that? What is that? What is Falcon Winter Soldier?

You don't know what Falcon – oh, okay. What an actor. What an actor this guy is. Line and sinker. I don't know why we're talking about it during my call. But we asked Anthony if Cap is America's ass, what would Anthony be? And he didn't want to be anything else. He's like, no, I have the better ass.

I'm America's ass. So what would Vision be? I don't know if America claims Vision, but if you were America's what? Well, unlike Captain America, my ass is a fake ass. So it's actually been molded to be a perfect ass. Which to be fair is actually most like America. It's a perfect android ass. So I think my ass is better than both of them. But I will tell you, Anthony's ass is amazing.

And I actually saw them talking together about their ass. And they decided to have a squat jumping competition. And who could jump over this thing? We were all on set somewhere and and Mackie went I'm gonna I'm gonna beat you I mean what are you talking about and I went I went you to Chris I was like he's gonna he's gonna beat you look at the size of his ass it's like it's like this he's got more muscle in his ass cheeks than I have on my entire body. He's going to beat you. And Chris beat him. I mean, the proof's in the pudding then.

Chris was able to squat jump just from standing. It was unbelievable. Yeah, Anthony conveniently left that part of the story out. Yeah, Anthony did not mention that. That's unfortunately the truth. But aestheticallyically Anthony has been the best you're very passionate

about this I like that you're like he's got a great ass I mean if you'd seen it you would feel passionately about it too speechless now actually since you're mentioning Chris and being on set and all that kind of stuff he recently took the internet by storm because he's covered in tattoos.

And no one knew that. Is there anyone else on Marvel in the Marvel Universe who is completely covered in tattoos that we don't know about? Are you inked up, Paul? Yeah, you live in Brooklyn. Yeah, you're a hipster. You got to have some ink. You got the most. You're actually, oh, you're so Brooklyn.

You got the forearm tat. You're tall. You're skinny. You are the most Brooklyn. You have the glasses on. You're well-dressed. He might be faking it. He might be faking the most. You're actually, oh, you're so Brooklyn. You got the forearm tat. You're tall. You're skinny. You are the most Brooklyn. You got the glasses on. You're well-dressed. He might be faking the accent. He might actually just be a Brooklyn hipster. Hits to pot belly. I get everything. The pot belly's new then, because I was watching A Beautiful Mind recently,

and you were looking very svelte in that. The prodigal roommate arrives. The pot belly comes and goes. It comes and goes when the job's over, you know? Got to come in. I mean, we look out for these things. I can't have a pot belly making vision because then the jig is up. It's a realistic android.

We gave him a little skinny fat you know that doesn't exactly play i also like how i just referenced a 20 year old movie for how you look pretty good like i don't know i was watching a movie from 2001 you look pretty good in it 2021 and we're in a global pandemic i've put on a few people say things like uh yeah well you said that said that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I said that 25 years ago. What are all these ramblings of an adolescent moron? Said it on the set of A Knight's Tale.

You can't hold that to me. Fucking 50 million long. By the way, on A Knight's Tale, you were talking about how – Chaucer was actually one of the first characters I fell in love with. I was like, I want to be like that. And I guess it's just – I like asking those things, by the way. Yeah.

But it was – and honestly, now that I think about it, I kind of did. I'm like a drunkard who talks loudly. Honestly, you two are peacing apart. Let me tell you. I kind of did come the Chaucer route. But you were talking about how you were filming in the czech republic and how you you that's where you discovered you were shallow because uh when they held up the signs for laugh you were like i'm killing it and i couldn't possibly agree with you more i don't care if you actually think it's funny just

laugh yeah no because i have a hole at the bottom of my bucket that just lets water out the whole time it needs to be filled by you even pretending to think i'm correct and then and then i was talking to to my therapist the other day and she was like she's like do you care if people like you well of course but what if everyone's just faking it well that's fine as long as i feel like as long as they can motherfuck me behind closed doors i don't care but if they're nice to my face beautiful i love it that's your question how long have you been in therapy um on and off two years probably so you're still at the stage where you're trying to make your therapist laugh the whole time. I'm only like four sessions in and I'm just like treating her like the audience, man.

It's brutal. And it doesn't stop. I've been waiting for it to stop because I've been in therapy for, well, over 15 years. And it just doesn't stop. I still get hit out making alarms. It's terrible. I say I just use her as like a sounding board. I'm just trying out bits right now.

Like, all right, that seemed to work with her. So unhealthy. So unhealthy. It's great. I love it. Oh, man, you're a delight, dude. Thanks so much. Are you Irish?

Yeah. Yeah. Didn't Freud say that Irish people are the only people that therapy won't work? We're impervious. We are impervious to it. I'm telling you, man. So far, the guy knew what he was talking about. Proving it true.

I don't want to have sex with my mom, but therapy's not going so well. I mean, I'm 15 years in. I don't know. I don't think it. I mean, it hasn't helped you one bit.

It hasn't changed you a shred. I always say that. Every time I write that book, I'm like, wow, that's 250 bucks down the drain. He's been doing it for 15 years. You're an inspiration. 15 years, he's holding strong. Shallow, low personal resources,

calling this, laughing at my jokes. It's just awful. Awful. Give up. Yes, just give up. Pack it in. Thank you, Paul. I'm fucking 50 in May, but I'm still talking

about my mum. What? There are kids in Syria. What? You can't get up in the morning? What? Oh, my God. That's amazing.

Ghost of Christmas Future, I love it. Thanks so much for the time. We really appreciate it. WandaVision out on Disney+, and best of luck with everything in the future, Paul. Thank you so much, Paul. We'll see you soon. Have a good one.

You too, Paul. Bye. I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the life of you It's only right This is the soundtrack to the life you do It's only right This is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

Uh-huh Yeah Uh-huh Yeah, I'm alone Yeah Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.