KFC Radio - Pete Holmes, the Glow Up, and the Ugliest Pic of KFC Ever

Episode Date: January 29, 2019

Pete Holmes on today's episode talking about his new series Crashing and what it is like working with Artie Lange while he battles addiction. KFC proves he has had a glow up because he has an unspeakable ugly picture from his past. Voicemails include: the glow up, melting Feits, never save a number, and should I move in with my gf at 21 years old? You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Alright, we're live from the Ivy in Buckhead in Atlanta. Today's episode of KFC Radio up in the green room at the bar is brought to you by Devour. We are the porn guys here at KFC Radio, at Barstool Sports. We just are. It's just the brand. Okay? So, if Devour is getting... YP gets a little bit.

Well, he's like KFC Radio porn extension. He's like a bad influence. Oh, he's a bad person. I get around YP. It's like your friend from high school who you just... Oh, you're around him and you see an old friend, you start drinking. Yes, he brings out the worst in you. Like your girlfriend's going to hate YP.

Oh, you're with Ben again? Oh, oh great well i feel be the guy who like you'll have your kids with you he'll be like dude you see a new tiana trump video yeah i walk out of the bathroom last night i just hear him oh abella and abella danger was doing something abella anderson was doing something like oh we're just on the porn talk again huh talking about abella danger uh shitting gummy bear oh that video was aggressive i haven't seen it that's the why p was trying to tell me he's like you gotta watch it i'm like i haven't seen it man well watch it don't be wrong see this is now devour you get what you asked for you wanted to get into the porn game you wanted to be all like we're gonna do food porn and and porn talk

well you're gonna get it all right you're gonna get it it's just this is how it's going to go. So if you're hungry, if you're craving it the same way that, you know, you want to satisfy other urges and other cravings, devour frozen foods is the way to do it. They also have this – last week we did our porn names. Today we'll do Super Producer – no, we'll do Logan's. We did BC's as well. Logan, your porn name, according to... Food porn.

Food porn name, according to Devour, would be... First initial L, last initial S. You'd be Spicy Oregano. Spicy Oregano. Yeah.

That sounds like... That could be like an N1 basketball tour guy. Like hot sauce and spicy oregano in the backcourt. I thought, because you forgot to say food porn name, so I thought you were going to say spicy erection. Were you going to say spicy or oregano? Spicy erection, sure. Listen, at the end of the day, if you're asking me the two things I love most in this world, it's porn and food porn. So Devour is on the right path to keeping your boy KFC happy.

I'll tell you that much. Delicious mouthful of pesto proportions is the new thing they got going with their creamy pesto and spicy sausage. And right now you can win an ultimate man cave. It's kind of what we're sitting in right now in a couple leather chairs. We've got a nice background. You want to get your man cave on, go to devour-foods.com slash sweeps

and enter it ends January 25th so you gotta get it in now or no I guess it starts January 25th so never eat just devour go to devour-foods.com slash sweeps we're here at the Super Bowl

best week of the year baby it's the worst week of the year I cannot tell you how much I hate the Super Bowl. And every year, people are like, it's a new year, new me, New Year's resolutions. I'm like, no, fuck you, because we kick off the year with the Patriots in the Super Bowl and what is undoubtedly, every single time, the worst week of the year for me. Why? Three years ago?

I think you are. You have this symbiotic relationship with the patriots like you can't exist without them no it's not no no people say that all the time like you love this like you want to have this i'm like no i fucking don't people you're gonna miss this when it's gone you know i fucking sure are the best years of my life was like that decade where the yankees just didn't get the job done that's the best when my teams when my hate teams are out of it i am the real but that's but that's you like that only worked with the yankees because you knew they'd be back like if the patriots get bad in in

seven years say like there's no guarantee that they come back and you'll like you'll grow numb to it and it won't be fun to hate them like You need this. You need this. I do not. You need hatred. Hatred is your gasoline. I'm like a shark. I need to just keep moving. I need to keep hating. Bro, first of all, we don't know that's true.

Maybe I'll just become a happy person. Second of all. I don't know about that. Second of all, hate. I hope you don't because we're out of a show. Hate is like water. It just fills up the space. No. So imagine right now we're in

imagine there's a bathtub. Okay? Water doesn't fill the space. You're looking for a gaseous element here. Listen, fine. Gas, water, whatever. Gaseous element fills up its container. Water you just run out of. We put a drop of water in this room and it doesn't fill it up. You drop some gasoline or some gaseous element in here

it fills up the room. I don't think that's how that works either. It's how gaseous elements work. Yes it is. I'm pretty some gasoline or some gas element in here, it fills up the room. I don't think that's how that works either. It's how gas elements work. Yes, it is. I'm pretty sure if you had a small amount of gas and a small amount of water, it would not fill up a huge space. Gas fills up its container. No matter what. I don't think that's true. Why are you shaking your head like you're a scientist? I want a real scientist.

Kelly would know. Does gas fill up its container? I don't get paid to do science she says uh i i think you're wrong my analogy here was this imagine you're in a bathtub imagine there's a bathtub right and there's like a barrier in the middle right so the the first half is all filled up and that's my patriots hate say the patriots are gone you take out that fucking you pull out that that that barrier and the rest of the tub would just fill up with water. My hate would just flow elsewhere. I'll just find somebody else to hate. It'll just be on to the next.

Like, what? No way. There needs to be a certain amount of gas. Gases can fill a container of any size or shape. Doesn't matter how big the container is. But you need a certain amount of gas. You need a certain amount of gas.

It doesn't matter how big the container is. But it matters how much gas You need a certain amount of gas. You need a certain amount of gas. It doesn't matter how big the container is. But it matters how much gas there is. Well, then you could say there was water. It doesn't matter how much water. Yeah, if you have the right amount of water. No, gas fills up any container. I don't think that's right. Anyway, I can survive without the Patriots for sure.

I haven't got that yet. The Patriots are just another symptom to this week. So like three years ago we're in Houston for Comedy Central what's supposed to be like the biggest moment ever and I at that point Shay was she was like almost

born? Was she pregnant or was she already born? I think she had just been born. She would have just been born. She had her birthday in December this is January. But it was It was the year that she was born So I had to leave Like right away

With a newborn baby I was like okay See you later wife And newborn baby I gotta go Oh and by the way We're also driving To extend it like

Four extra days Yeah that's right So that was a Motherfucking catastrophe And nobody else really knew But at that time Of course things were Already going south

So it was like A fucking nightmare next year sex scandal right at the same exact like january it was like oh okay now i'm going away for a week all eyes on me and now i'm i have to move out of my house i found out this week oh and a family friend died okay so say that the middle of my laughter it's like the universe knows okay you're gonna be away and can't like handle any responsibilities let's fuck you in the ass the last week of january and first week of february let's just do that every time let's just let's just butt blast you to hell but you get like a little escape while you're here you're on vacation you're on your patriot your annual patriot's vacation and then yeah and then the kicker is like and awaiting you at the end of this week is what is the thanos thing

you dread it run from it destiny still arrives destiny still arrives tom brady's gonna hoist that dumb fucking trophy. Destiny still arrives. I hate this week so fucking much. Oh, it's the best. John, when you walked in, we walk into the airport, and we have these Atlanta volunteers. I guess they're just here to welcome you to Atlanta. Is that all it is?

First of all, the fact that the airport does not have Welcome to Atlanta playing on a continuous 24-hour loop is just the biggest missed opportunity of all time. Second of all, we walk in, and's these like sassy black chicks like, Hey, welcome to Atlanta. And your boy fights. He just sassed it up so hard.

He starts high stepping through. He's like, what's up ladies? We back. We back. Remember me? 28 to three. I know.

I know those people are from Atlanta and, and probably have never been to Minnesota, but I feel like they remember me from last year. Like, Oh, it's the guy. And this is as he does this, he's got a Frosty from Wendy's in his pocket, and he's chowing down on two spicy chicken sandwiches. I was like, this kid is in his element.

Right now, we are the yin and the yang. Yeah. You're thrilled. I'm like, I cannot wait to go home. I have zero interest being here right now. So much fun every week of the Super Bowl. This is the worst week of the year. Dave's being a dick.

Everyone's on red alert. You're fucking high stepping around. Everyone is kind of on red alert. This morning when I woke up, I was just like, I knew that in the kitchen downstairs it was going to be the scene from Meet the Parents. So I just laid in my bed. Yeah, you just don't want to do it. I don't want to see anybody.

I don't want to see any people. Who wants to see work people all the time for a week straight in a strange foreign place? This sucks. I don't know about foreign. Atlanta is a foreign country, bro. It's going to snow tomorrow. It's going to be like fucking snowmageddon. This trip sucks.

Oh, shit. That's right. I forgot Atlanta can't do snow. Yeah, two inches. It might as well be two feet. This is the best. I will say, though, that we kicked things off right at the New Amsterdam Vodka House. We had what I think was the most supportive, cooperative, enjoyable moment in company history. The stupidest moment in company history.

Where we watched last year's Royal Rumble for half an hour. Oh, well, let's get into it. Barstool Sports does the Royal Rumble. It's brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. These are my favorite sponsors to do because I know that I'm genuinely doing you a favor. I know that I'm going to save your ass right now because it is already late January, which means that middle of February is coming. And that means you are going to forget to get your wife flowers,

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I got my mom some last year from 1-800-Flowers. I honestly don't think she's ever been more proud of me. Yes. Like on time, nice flowers, sent to the house. And that's the thing. You have to do it now because... Very happy. Because 100 flowers will always guarantee you delivery,

but they're like, we'll guarantee you, like, whatever delivery's left when you do it on February 13th, bro. So if you do it now, you can pick, like, I wanted to arrive at her office on February 14th, 9 a.m. You'll get, like, the primo slot because you were the one who ordered early. And if you don't send them to the office,

so she can take pictures of it. So everybody can see. So all of her bitch friends are sitting there like, oh my god, her boyfriend's better than mine. I got in trouble once for not sending flowers to the office. Just on a regular day. Just because someone else got flowers

that day. Oh, yeah. It was like, where are my flowers? What are you talking about? Why would I send you flowers on a that's like where are my flowers what are you talking about why would i send you just flowers on january what is the flowers for you know what you want it you want to get a little creative with it send them like february 12th logan i don't know what you're doing do i have something wrong you can you see my penis fight says his dick and balls out he just nut tapped himself He just nut tapped himself. He just nut tapped himself. Oh man, we're doing this in front of new people

and they're very, very weirded out. Yo, here's my idea. I'm going to tell you I'm rebranding Valentine's Day. I'm doing 100 flowers through the top of the window. Send these to your girl on February 12th and be like, babe, I just couldn't wait. I couldn't wait two more days.

I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. Done. She won't hate you. Trust me. I know all the things to do. Go to 1-800-Flowers.com. Use the promo code KFC. Click on the radio icon at the top of the page.

Then enter promo code KFC at checkout. And you can get your bouquets and arrangements starting at $29.99. It's 1-800-Flowers.com. Promo code KFC. We watched the Royal Rumble last night two and a half times, one and a half times, because we all were sitting around, and we decided to do a little Royal Rumble pool. For those of you who don't know how it works, the Royal Rumble, there's 30 wrestlers. They run down the ramp every 90 seconds, and whoever is the last one standing, if you get

thrown over the top rope, you get eliminated. Whoever the last one standing you get if you get thrown over the top rope you get eliminated whoever the last one standing they win you get a chance of the belt so you draw numbers randomly and you get assigned wrestlers as they come out and if your guy wins you win money 300 bucks 300 bucks to the winner which is a big deal for some of the poor people around here so uh we start watching and it was enjoyable because it's like gambling but it's like you know obviously it's completely up to luck so nobody has to worry about anything you're just watching drinking partying having a good time and we're about like 10 wrestlers in and jared's like wait is that guy wearing a wig like i don't think so i think it's just regular ass hair he's like that guy is bald i was like no he's not he has a long fucking mullet he's like that guy was bald

yesterday i saw him are we watching last year's royal rumble it was good and that one it didn't click for carabas thank god for john feidelberg because the it didn't click for carabas he just he was just willing to let that slide that the guy and then i remember Karabas had read out earlier in the night someone was tweeting about the Royal Rumble in Tucson. And I was like, this is in Philly. Kept saying like,

what's up Philadelphia? So that didn't click for me too early. Once I heard that the guy was bald yesterday and the Royal Rumble was actually in Tucson, I put two and two together.

And that we bought it. Me and Ron were kind of the ones paying attention when we bought it. It was like 20 bucks, right? It was $21. And we put it on at like 8 o'clock on the dot. I put two and two together. And that we bought it. Me and Ron were kind of the ones paying attention when we bought it. It was like 20 bucks, right? It was $21. And we put it on at like 8 o'clock on the dot. I mean, this is like the main event of a pay-per-view.

There's no way that it's already on. Not to mention, you want to worry about it clicking for Jared or for you. How about for Tommy Smokes? Someone tweeted him and said, you guys are watching last year's Royal Rumble. He said, he was like, that's ridiculous. Why would that be happening? So, yeah, the whole company sat around watching last year's royal rumble not that it would have mattered it really we could have watched we're talking about we're talking about watching another one tonight just

run it back and watch the rock one yeah like attitude error just well no one remembers what happened so we we finally figured things out we get to the real the 2019 the 2019 version. We watched the women's Royal Rumble. Then we watched two matches. And then we watched the men's Royal Rumble. We probably watched wrestling for four straight hours last night. And amongst the people in the room, I think Jared was the only actual fan. He was the only one who had any idea. Well, let me say this.

Started out, the night started with Jared being the only fan. I think it ended with several new WWE fans. There were people who were like i think i'm in on this shit we frankie i get it now i fucking get it we bought into wrestling so fast so fast it was the easiest i've ever been sold on anything it was like that chick becky she came out and we're like stop hitting the leg that's her bad leg what are you doing that's dirty man it's dirty she's got a bad knee it's like like a half hour of wrestling is all it took to drown me in it i was like yes she's

clearly not acting that's a bad what are you doing you scumbag it came that leg alone it came down to devlin and dan were the last two guys in and i mean they could not be you know uh opposite ends of the spectrum unless dave was in the room you know if you're economically, you could not have two people on different ends of the spectrum. And I mean, I was like, if there's any justice in this world, Devlin is going to win this. And his girl ended up winning. And the place just went bananas. It was. I am not kidding.

It was the most wholesome moment in Barstool sports history. Like the company has been like infighting and competing and toxic for a decade straight that was the most i've ever seen us all on the same page and it was for devlin's girl to flip another girl over the top rope i was i was he walked out of there with 300 bucks he would i thought you would have thought he walked out of there with 300 000 we were like it was like when you cheer for like the extreme home makeover people who are like poor people who have no lives we were like i thought people would start crying it was like when you cheer for like the extreme home makeover people who are like poor people who have no lives. We were like, I thought people would start crying.

It was amazing. He went on like a rant, not even a rant, but just explaining his life to everybody. And it was like, it was like Costanza talking about the Andrea Doria where he's like, I left. He gave like, he gave an acceptance speech for winning the pool of the Royal Rumble. He was like, I left a house in New York to come down here. I didn't even know I was going to have a bed. Now I got a bed in a hallway. I didn't have any food in my apartment.

This place has a spread. I didn't have any money. I got three. We were like, tell him. Tell him. We stan a king. Go, king. I got this speech the next morning.

The next morning, it's just me and him sitting there eating bagels. And he was like, he was telling me, he's like, you know, I just, like in that moment, yeah, I had 300 bucks, but I just thought back. I just thought back to like when I was unemployed and you guys were in Houston on Comedy Central. And I thought like I blew my opportunity. And I knew you guys were going to go to like the moon and I just wanted to be a part of it. And so that moment to me, like I'm'm back I'm a part of that moment I was like bro you just went through everybody's Royal Rumble that's it okay I'm happy I'm happier here too but I was I was I was more excited for him to win than I won the mail I know I was like nice yeah that

was it but I couldn't I couldn't live up to that no there was no even try the the the final of the men's came down to YP and Feidelberg. I do like seeing YP lose. That's always fun. It was more about YP losing than you winning. But, I mean, when that girl came in, at one point a girl joined the men's Royal Rumble, Nia Jax,

and she just got her ass beat by like five dudes. That's The Rock's cousin. Right, right. So she can handle it. She's a big'em. And these guys, I mean, RKOs and fucking... dudes she's that's that's the rocks cousin right right so she can handle it she's a bigum and these guys i mean rkos and fucking she got 619 rko'd and like super kicked she got everybody's finisher yeah she was and i was like yeah fucking gail everybody was cheering for this male on female

violence it was wild it was a wild scene bro it was a great time i i learned last night about wrestling that ray mysterio killed somebody once. Oh, yeah. And has not stopped doing the move that killed somebody. That's wrestling, bro. That's a great. You know what that is, John? That's a great finisher.

You snap someone's neck with a move. That means it's an awesome move. To kill them is probably time to rebrand. It's probably time to double down. It's an awesome move. I guess, yeah. I guess if Vince is in charge, he's like, awesome. Yeah, we'll just keep doing that.

Did you see Brock Lesnar throw the belt at vince last night no he won the belt and then when he walked backstage he threw the fucking belt at him like seriously that's a heavy belt if i like hit you with a championship belt that would hurt i can imagine yeah i mean i think it was serious you never know with wrestling that's why it's the fucking best so we'll report back on the thursday episode about the uh the 1999 royal rumble that we're gonna watch it's amazing i could get listen i used to be heavy in wrestling attitude era i was a wrestling nerd you didn't say last night your biggest regret in life was not going to an ecw show or something oh yes yes yes yes that is my biggest regret like ecw when they when they held their pay-per-views in like a town hall and they would just like kill each other with like nails and like bats and shit people jumping

off of balconies hell yeah that was that was that was when rasslin was real that was when it was real i i was trying to explain i mean i i think that the attitude error is the greatest entertainment of all time i don't even i was more than television that that was the most entertaining thing ever i gave my brother a pedigree through a bed once hell yeah and my parents were just like you're done with wrestling we were just both like too big yeah they're like like my brother was like bigger than i am so i gave him one pedigree and it's just like yeah a whole room fell apart i used to jump off a radiator like like it was the top rope and i destroyed my bed it's like boom like the back spring was just like a whole room fell apart. I used to jump off a radiator like it was the top rope, and I destroyed my bed.

It was like, boom, like the back spring was just sheet. I'm pretty sure I broke my neck. I'm pretty sure I eventually needed surgery on my neck because I once tombstoned myself practicing. I was like, let me just tombstone myself, see how bad it is. What do you mean you tombstoned yourself? I just jumped up in the air and landed on my head. On a bed.

So like I, you know, I sunk into it and like just definitely crunched my neck up. Let me just because my stone, my buddy Al, Al Pappalardi, he was like, yo, he was a big dude. I was smaller. He was like, I'll tombstone you. And I was like, I don't know about that. Let me before you do it to me, let me test it out. And I just jumped on my head and I was like, nope, it hurt a lot. Can't do it. Can't do it, dude. And I remember i remember him being like well i would have held you like your head wouldn't have hit the ground i was like hmm i probably should have let you do that al yeah i wasn't the best i wasn't the best wrestler or was i and it depends on your you know the crowd loved it so we got our voicemails coming up next we also got pete holmes later in the show

uh star of hbo is crashing he hosts the you made it weird podcast monster star literally a monster he's a six foot six foot five the king of awkward but he's so cool about being awkward that in some sort of way he becomes smooth and ultimately he's just the most interesting person i mean seriously maybe the most interesting person i've ever met in a way it was it was one of the more interesting parts we did a lot of god stuff yeah which i love talking god yeah me me and fights did an instagram live the other night podcasts. We did a lot of God stuff. Yeah, which I like. I love talking God. Yeah. Me and Fights did an Instagram live the other night, which we're going to do more of. Check us out. Check us out on KFC Radio's Instagram.

We popped on. We did like, we did two now, right? What? One? Felt like two. Two? I thought we did two. Yeah, I think we did two.

Two. So you never know, like 11 o'clock at night. I think it was one. John's finished masturbating. I haven't even begun. Round one of four is coming up. It hasn't even started. And we were talking about Pete Holmes

because we were introducing Answer the Internet, which is our other new video brand, which is a smashing success, as predicted. And I was saying how one of the goals I have for KFC Radio this year is to just do more interesting stuff. I feel like we're always pretty, you know, we always put out a pretty funny product and the voicemails are always a good laugh. But Pete Holmes, we just had this discussion about religion and how he kind of is like the opposite of a born again Christian.

Like he lost his religion a little bit, but he also kind of still believes in the spirituality of it all. It was like a really interesting talk. You know who talks like that? You know who does that stuff? Who? Tom Brady. Oh, suck my dick, man. Tom Brady, very spiritual. Come on, we're having a good talk

about Pete Holmes on the podcast. Oh, it's exactly like Tom Brady. He raised a Christian, now he's very spiritual. They have menorahs in their house. It's like my mom. My mom's the same way, too. Tom Brady's a Jew? They have menorahs, they have Buddhas, they accept a higher power and believe in spirituality. You know what that is? That's just a fucking

fair weather fan. You know, oh, it's Hanukkah this week? Let's celebrate it. Oh, it's fucking Christmas? Let's celebrate that. I'll jump on your side on this one, because my mom's like that. My mom's from all religions all over the house. Menorahs? No, Menorahs. Mom loves Western religion. I'm sorry,

Eastern religion. So, Buddha and Islam. But she owns that. She's like, oh, I just take the good stuff from other religions. As long as you cop to it, I'm okay with it. She's like, yeah, I just take the good things. I'm a religion freeloader. So let's get into these voicemails.

So Valentine's Day is coming up. Everybody's always worried about, what are you going to get your girl? Well, girls, you got to worry about your guy. Yes, you do. And actually, now that they got women's underwear as well. Oh, look at that. Look at that, Tommy John. I only sell what I wear. The Tommy John

Henry's. The Tommy John Henry's. He's rocking them. They got men and women's underwear, so if you want to take care of your girl, you want to take care of your guy, you want to take care of your guy who likes to wear women's underwear, you could get Tommy John. You could cover all your bases. Nothing sexier. I don't like to. I've done it. Oh, you like to. I mean, you like to all your bases. Nothing sexier. I don't like to. I've done it. Oh, you like to.

And I hated you. What was it? Brooks Koepka running around wearing a thong? Yeah. That was you, fights. It was funny. Let me tell you what. If you look at me, get your girl a thong, but give it to her while you wear it.

So you come out of the bathroom. Here's your present. It's a thong and my balls all over it, hun. You know what's funny about that brooks kepka picture like dude butts are so much weirder than girl butts like girls butts are like round they're like a little bit longer yp is a fatty but everybody else is like this smushed like crammed rectangular butt it looks like a sideways rectangle girls are round and long it's beautiful anyway tommy john i've looked at mine before, but I'm like, come on, John.

Yeah, we know you did in the mirror. You need a better butt. Look at that asshole. No pinching, no bunching, no riding up, no falling down. Tommy John, the best underwear in the game. Best thongs you'll ever wear. Girls, guys, everyone's happy. The best pair you'll ever wear or it's free guarantee.

No adjustment necessary. And you can get 20% off when you shop the limited edition Valentine's Day gift sets. Go to TommyJohn.com slash KFC. Take care of all your Valentine's Day needs today, right now. TommyJohn.com slash KFC. First voicemail. Oh, would you look at that, John?

There's one that says KFC and fights have had a glow up. Let's just play that one. Just go in first, huh? Hey, KFC, fights, Super Producer BC. So I know the last few episodes you guys have had some voicemails critiquing how you look and calling you chubby. Yeah. And I just wanted to call and let you know that you guys still look good. In fact, I'd even say you guys over the past few years have had a glow up.

I mean, I bought Barstool Gold and I watch the podcast now. And KFC, your hair looks amazing. You've got great flow you both have like such a relaxed style but it works for you like you guys honestly look really hot i like what i see you both have very handsome faces bites have some amazing hair too um but yeah i just wanted to call and say you both still have it going on. I think you both look hot still, so don't let anyone bring you down or tell you otherwise. Don't let anyone bring you down is not good advice. Also, guess what? That ship has sailed.

Also, you guys have a really relaxed vibe. It's a spin zone and a half for like you guys are sloppy. Like you're sitting in your chair like half like a dead body. I mean, yeah, that's how I sit. That's how we roll. That's how I am. Nice and relaxed. I am a human Tommy Bahamas.

We are relaxed fit. Like if you could pick humans and it's like skinny, slim fit, we'd be the relaxed fit boot cut jeans in human form. I like Tommy Bahamas. I'm going to go with that. I am a good time, but you know nothing serious is happening when it's out. That's what I am.

You can't seem to get rid of it. It's always in your closet. It makes the move with you several times. God, I just can't get rid of this shirt. Now I'm going to do something right now, which I probably shouldn't do, but I'm going to do it. Oh, no kevin showed me a picture i was like wait when is he gonna be oh it's that kevin showed me a picture before we started this podcast today just today uh because we saw the

headline glow up and kevin was like you should see my glove i am now peer pressuring kevin to release this picture because it is the most disgusting grotesque offensive photograph of a man i've ever seen see that's why i can't put it out i mean i am being i'm not being like arrogant about this i'm being just fucking straight up truthful and logical there's been a big low up there's been a very it's and it's not about how i currently look is very high it's about about how I currently look is very high. It's about where I used to look is very low. Like stunningly low. It was.

I'm upset you showed me because now it's a burden I have to carry with how ugly. That's why I can't put this out. Because as no matter what, if I put these two pictures out, if I put out my best picture of me right now, or let's say maybe last year with that picture people if you saw before and after you'd be like wow that guy had a glow up which is good i'd rather look good currently than look good in the past right however what's going to happen is those two pictures will not be shown together they will just crop the one and always put that picture out about me but who cares cares? You have many bad pictures. Who cares about your physical appearance at Barstool Sports? None of us do. What? Bro, we did a live podcast where I was fucking like live at the Wilbur where I was fucking shirtless and it zoomed in on my titties.

Yeah, I remember that. Who cares? And I remember being like, wow, that was fucked up. If I was you, I would have been like, damn, I don't like that. See, that's why you just don't have a high opinion of yourself and nothing then it doesn't matter so you want me to put this picture the old picture of me out i think i think we at this point i think we have to have to i think maybe if it wasn't brought up on this podcast i think we probably could have gotten away with not bringing it up but what if someone brought it up and now i mean i've had this for years

obviously and i've thought about putting it out and i've said no to myself every single time because i was like i don't want this out there and I and I and I'm not listen there's a lot out there about me it's crazy for me to still worry about something that's how bad this picture is what if we compromise what if I get you a picture from that time period that's a little bit better no I need that one I will do that under the premise that at least like when I first put it out, the reaction is like, wow, what a glow up. If everybody says that like for 24 hours, then maybe I'll do it. You have to promise me that.

I promise I'll say it. The internet has to promise me. I cannot make a promise for the internet. The picture is so fucking bad. You know what's crazy though? Is that. Oh, wait, did we already show it on camera today? We talked about it? Well, he was filming the vlog and you held it up. Oh, right, right, right. I mean, today? We talked about it? Well, he was filming the vlog, and you held it up.

Oh, right, right, right. Okay. I mean, what's crazy is, and I've said this about Dave before, but Dave was like unspeakably ugly. This is not a great picture of me, but Dave's so gross. It was never a point in my life, even at that point in my life, nobody was ever like, you're ugly. Even at that point? Like, I mean, I. That's the testament to your friends, man.

No, that's what I mean, though. Keep people who root for you close. But that's what I mean. I never had... I didn't have any trouble with girls. It wasn't like I was like, damn, I'm ugly and nobody... I can't hook up or anything. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So what's going on there? Because I'm fucking disgusting there. It's like what was wrong with you girls? Were you in college? Was that right after college? No, it was like early college. That was like freshman year of college. Oh, you see?

You look like an old man though. Like you look like an ugly old man. Well, I was – you know what I look like? You know what I look like when Johnny Knoxville like puts on the old man mask? Yeah, yeah. You look like you when you told me you were 18 I was like that's a lie you're okay wait 27 here's what we're gonna do I'm gonna show you like a picture of me like from that also from that time period and I don't I don't think

I'm always gross I think I was just like gross in that picture per se you know what I mean I it's just it's just the whole thing is confusing because I mean, that picture is so fucking disgusting. I mean, I'm so pale and there's another one. Like I got, I got the double chin. You know what it is? You know what it is too? I was, I was clean shaven all the time and I had a double chin cause I was fatter.

So I had, I mean, you're not as ugly in this picture. Right. That's what I mean. I mean, that's not a great picture. But wait, let me show you now. Let me show you like a picture where I'm like decent in that era. And I think you'll be like, well, okay, that's not terrible. It's, I mean, at this point, you know, like look at that. That's a decent looking guy.

Put a hat on, put a scarf on, cover up the fat face. Yeah. No, I'm not that bad. I'll have to show you my ugly pictures. But it was a glow up. It was a glow up, no doubt. Melting fights? I did it wrong again.

Melting fights. Hey, guys, I have a hypothetical question for you. What would you do if you walked into the office one day and you saw a fight slowly melting into a liquid? That's what it looks like usually. How would you react? Would you put him into a jar? Would you mop him up?

He can still talk, though. Like, what would you do? This is usually a question reserved for a dumb, high dude. The fact that this was a girl is crazy. If fights was melting into a liquid, I would probably just soak him up in a towel. I probably wouldn't do anything. Well, you wouldn't. You'd be a puddle.

If you were melting, I'd be like, there's a mess over there. I just won't go over there for a little while. Brett, clean that up. It's like the same thing. I said to Coley the other day, I was at the office late, and Coley was like, what are you still doing here? And I said, I knocked over a same thing. I said to Coley the other day, I was at the office late, and Coley was like, what are you still doing here? And I said, I knocked over a glass this morning when I was leaving, and I don't want to go home and clean it up.

Listen, I'm kind of with you on that. Knowing that you're going home to a mess is a fucking nightmare. Especially glass, because you have to eventually clean that up. You can't walk around with glass. It was literally the easiest tour I've ever done in my life. I think it took four seconds total. And I was genuinely considering just getting a room with the evelyn because i didn't want to go home to it it was the easiest thing i've ever done in my life but the uh yeah i guess if i could put you you know what i would put you in a jar if i could and if you could still talk like that'd be

a good podcast like it's the only podcast in the world hosted by a guy in a fucking jar. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good selling point. It got quiet at that point, huh? The whole room just quieted down. Now they're definitely listening to the stupidest point of this podcast. Moving on. I would prefer, if I could make this my living will, I would prefer I do not get mopped up. You don't want to be mopped?

No. Do you want to be soaked? Soaked, I could be a towel. Maybe I'll just squeegee you into the fucking ground, like Breaking Bad style. Squeegee would be fine. Slash Frankie Brelli porn style. Frankie's favorite porn. There's Frankie. He's like, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right, boy. What up, guys?

First time, real long time just calling in because I have a little bit of a question in a situation. So I've been seeing this chick for probably three, maybe four months. Things picked up. Keep in mind, I'm pretty young, 21-ish, 22. What do you mean?

Why do you just keep a roundabout of his age? I'm 21-ish, 22. How old are you, bro? I'm kind of stuck in this whole thing where it's kind of like vice where I'm just going along with it. She's great. Great girl. Sex is great. All that's fun. But now she's dropping hints about wanting to move in with me and wanting me to break my lease.

How her friends' boyfriends broker their leases. And I have a pretty nice place. I don't really want to leave. And I don't necessarily want her to move in. Am I kind of stuck with this for the rest of my life? My life? We've set a really poor example for people where it's like... I'm 21, and I think I put on five pounds last month.

Should I just call it? Should I just kill myself? Yeah, definitely. Fuck trying. I mean... If you're 21 years old, do not move in with your girlfriend. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Don't break your list.

I don't even understand it. Are we talking about living in a college campus housing or something like that? Like off-campus housing? We're talking about moving in. He's 21, 22-ish. Oh, I guess you could be graduating. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. I was doing math wrong.

That's still a horrific idea. The worst idea I've ever heard. I would argue that you shouldn't do it until you're 31, 32. I would argue later than that. I would argue as long as you possibly can, man. I'd argue 35, 36. 35 is the new 25. Yeah.

Right? Just push it all off. People got to realize, man, people are going to live to like 130 now. Life expectancy is through the fucking roof. You think there's a reason why Tom Brady is still playing football at 42. It's because motherfuckers live to 200 now. Time magazine says. The person who's going to live to 150 is alive right now, right?

Time magazine said that. There's a person alive right now that's going to make it to 150. God bless that person. If it's me. I will tell you. If I lost that genetic lottery, I'm going to be so pissed. John, could you imagine if me, of all people too, if I had 120 years left on this earth,

I don't think I'm going to make it another two. Imagine if I got a century and change. 120 years from now. I would blow my brains out. Yo, so you know how my dad almost had cancer the other day? Yes. But prior to that, he was diagnosed, quote unquote, with something called longevity syndrome. Right, right, right.

Did I tell this on the podcast? No, you just told me. Every time he would get his shit scanned and checked out, they'd be like, you're healthy like a fucking 30-year-old. And my mom would be like, what? And he'd be like, what? And they were like, yeah, fucking 30 year old. And my mom would be like, what? And he'd be like, what? And they were like, yeah, you might be one of those people who lives like a buck 30. And then there was this like cancer scare. And it was like, oh, my mom was like, what the fuck happened?

She was like mad at him. It was his fault. What happened to longevity syndrome? He was like, I don't know. That's not even a thing. I'm sorry. I have cancer. I don't know.

God, marriage is the best. That is so perfectly like just something that happens in a relationship. The doctor told me I had this made up thing. Babe, I'm sorry I have cancer. I'm sorry. But if I got that shit, longevity, I'll tell you what. Someone's stepping in and stopping that. Me or you.

Somebody's got to do it. We're going to have a suicide pact, right? Me and you? Do we have one? Oh, Mr. Tough Talk over here. I finally laid on the line and he just wilted like a little flower. Yeah, I don't want to kill myself. I'm too narcissistic for it.

At 100, we kill ourselves. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, you didn't specify. I wanted to read the fine print. If you said today, I was like, I don't know. I got a busy week. And honestly, 100 is a little too much. Like, 90?

90 is cool. Oh, dude. Because I feel like. If you want to make it 35, fine. I just want to make sure. If you want to make it to Monday. I just want to see the Patriots win, and then we'll kill each other. You like Suicide Pack, right?

And I didn't know what you were going to say. I had to hear the full sentence. Like, right now? I don't know, man. I was looking forward to say. I had to hear the full sentence. Like, right now? I don't know, man. I was looking forward to lunch. I heard they got a good barbecue. They're trying to pitch me on this fucking pulled pork sangy-bangy. I'll give it a whack.

Yo, bottom line, you should not be moving in with your girl at 21. You should not be moving in with your girl anytime soon. And you are too young to just be, like, packing it up and being Feidelberg. Don't one of the worst things to do when, like, she's like, her friend's boyfriend broke his lease? Like, Joe, just because your friend's dating someone stupid, you have to be dating someone stupid. That's how it goes, man, especially with rings. Once the dominoes start falling, that boyfriend got a ring,

that boyfriend got a ring, well, guess what? Your clock is ticking. I am impervious to that. Like, outside influence can never affect me and i think well no but i mean it affects your girl and then your girl affects you i don't think she can even affect me i think i'll be like dude i'd be like we're different people i do i do not live my life according to other people i live my life according to me and it's not look it's not the best captain to have for this ship but it's better but it's but you own your own ship right it's like it's like not, look, it's not the best captain to have for this ship, but it's better. But you own your own ship,

right? It's like, it's like not a great boat. There's holes in it. The sails are fucked up, but you are the captain of that motherfucker and you are sailing where you want to sail. No one else comes on. You want,

you don't want to wear your life jacket. You don't have to. It's fine. I'll give a shit what the Coast Guard says. They're not even getting paid. They're getting paid now. You used to, you used to be a Coast Guard, right?

I used to be in the Coast Guard? Yeah, didn't you? I got drug tested by the Coast Guard once. I certainly wasn't in it. I worked on a boat. Right, right. Yeah, that counts. It counts. You were on a boat once. Bad drug testing, by the way. Apparently, yeah. Because I had smoked weed the night before. I was smoking while I was peeing.

Dollar Shave Club. That's the way I get this job. You're good. You guys might want to reinvent. Take a look into the process of your drug testing because it's not working out too well. Next voice mail is brought to you by

Dollar Shave Club. It's now almost February. You said you were going to rock the beer until February, right? Is it a Patriot thing? Is it a Super Bowl thing no no no it's a hide my fat face thing right um but i forgot my i forgot beards will have to get one are you i'm not gonna shave i'm not like taking a razor no okay i i i just shaved my uh my neck beard that's all i that's all i rock with because otherwise i i long for the days although looking at these pictures maybe i should have never been clean shaven it's gonna say i long for the days, although looking at these pictures, maybe I should have never been clean-shaven. I was going to say I long for the days when I used to just shave and be nice and smooth and look good, but I don't think I ever looked good.

But if you got the clean-shaven look, if you could pull that off, you can get Dollar Shave Club razors delivered right to your door. You can get body wash. You can get shaving cream. You can get lip balm. You can get hair products. You can get toothpaste and toothbrushes. Everything you need for your mouth, your face,

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Fights, give us a pick. I mean, I was going to say talking penises, but... I bet you were. Wait, oh. High five, KFC, Superdude, Superdude. Okay, so I have a question for you. Would you rather have a micro penis or a 14-inch dick that is always hard and always in your way? I mean, this is a classic question, and it's very difficult to answer.

A micro penis or a 14-inch hog? I mean, you cannot have a 14-inch erect boner everywhere you go. Yeah, it's an easy one. You can't put pants on. You can't conduct business. You can't even really have sex with 14-inch penis. I think the question here is would you rather have a micro penis or a 14-inch penis? I think even then I might be going more to well you mean not erect yeah never mind that way i'm that way i i'd take that yeah the 14 inches but like i just like i wouldn't

have sex you can't have sex well that's the thing yeah well that's kind of the thing that's cool though is that if you have a 14 inch penis i think you you end up like i think you end up a porn star it's basically like you want to have a micro penis or do you want to be a porn star? Because you will find the girls, you know, life finds a way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you will find a girl who... I think people will just be like, can I see it? And then once you see it...

Yeah, that you have the novelty effect. And then the girls who can take that dick are like probably in porn or know how to get into porn. Next thing you know, you're Mandingo. Would you rather have a micro penis or an 11-inch penis? 11. 12. 12.

13. 13. 14. 14. 15. I think 14 is a cutoff. I think 14 is a cutoff, so I think 14 is the biggest number I've ever seen. You've seen 14?

I think I've seen, like, in head, like, I don't know. I didn't mention the guy's dick, but i just vividly remember that there was a guy that allegedly had an 18 inch penis that fucked a 36 inch midget and it was like his dick was half her half her really yeah i've never seen that that's but i don't know if it's fully 18 you know what i mean then that was just for the shock effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But bottom line is, you know, you only have sex here and there, small bursts, a few times like a month if you're lucky. If you're lucky. You know? So, you know, you can't just have a hard, giant penis everywhere you go with the other 99.99999% of your life.

It's impossible. It's not really possible. What's up, guys? I think I've got a pretty interesting would you rather face value easy answer you really dive into it start thinking about it yeah that's how these questions go bro all right would you rather be yourself and only have one year left to live, or would you rather be one of those people that show up on that Walmart website, like pictures of the squads in Walmart walking around in ridiculous outfits?

Originally, I thought, you know, that I'd rather be myself. Yeah, that's what he's talking about. So if you're not unfamiliar with it, it's just like a Tumblr that's dedicated to putting up pictures of just disgusting white trash people across middle of America in Walmart.

So you either get to be yourself. What up, what up? He's like, yeah, my mom was on there once. Just sewered Mrs. Spence by accident. You're like,

shout out Missouri. So you get to be yourself. You know, quote unquote stylish and shit. But you're dead in a year, a.k.a. your dream, or you get to live a full life as an ugly person at Walmart. I mean, I genuinely believe you have to choose the option one for this. One year is too little. I don't want to be dead in a year. But I just think, I think judging, I don't know.

It's kind of like, remember in the office when they're doing the CPR training? Yeah. And they're wondering. By the way, you see that person who saved the guy in real life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was cool. But they're wondering what is, like, what do you do if you find a guy who lost both his arms and legs?

Like, what's the quality of life you're ever saving? Mm-hmm. What's the quality of life we're saving? Terrible. If you're just. Terrible. I don't want to live like that. But do you think that maybe those people are, like, are, like, ignorantly blessed to everything?

Like, do they even know? Like, to them, it's like they go to walmart and it's like no you were ugly yeah you you had no idea until just now no i had a good idea no you said you didn't know you were ugly i i back then i didn't know i was ugly yeah that's what i'm saying right but i'm saying i had an idea that i was ugly then like a couple years ago okay ago. Okay, yeah, but, like, in the moment. In the moment. In the moment. I mean, in the moment, you don't know you're ugly right now. I have a pretty good idea. I know I am.

I am not taking home the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So these people are, like, you know, they're walking around Walmart, and they're happy as can be. And they go home, and they, like, you know, do some oxy, and they, like, watch Wheel of Fortune. And they are as happy as can be. They're not caught up in the rat race. They have no ambition. Eat a hungry man? Who's ever been sad to eat a hungry man?

Not me. Not them. So it depends on if you have. That's true, actually. Now that I'm thinking about it, they have a pretty sweet life. You need to have their consciousness. Yes. If you have your brain in their body.

If you knew you took that bet. You're dead anyway. You'd kill yourself. I could have been dead. Imagine that little shithead is the one who lives to 150 and 120 years later, you're like,

I had the option to get out of this 119 years ago and I've been eating fucking Hungry Man's. Watching Jerry Springer and Maury doing oxy.

I don't know. It sounds pretty good. I wave him with this. Sometimes it sounds like a pretty sweet life. Everything you subscribe sounds pretty good. A little hillb this. Sometimes it sounds like a pretty sweet life. Everything you just described sounds pretty good. A little hillbilly heroin and some daytime talk shows.

Ain't bad. There are worse things like being alive for 119 more years. Final answer. Finally, I mean, I'm just being real. I'm not going to kill myself in a year. I don't care what the other side of it is. If you want my, I tell the truth on this podcast, I'm not going to kill myself in a year. I't care what the other side of it is if you want my i tell the truth on this podcast i'm not gonna kill myself in a year it's too good i'm gonna hold it to that

um if y'all if you kill yourself in less than a year i'll be so pissed but been like and i'm just gonna smash it too i'm gonna get on this podcast like that motherfucker said he wasn't gonna do it um the uh i mean i guess yeah i'm gonna choose. I think what you would do is you would choose it, and you would immediately, like, the first day that you have to, like, wear the clothes that they wear and do what they do, you'd be so mad. Bad. You'd be so mad. You'd be like, let me OD tonight.

Like, when they wear, like, underwear on their head. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. It's a zany scene. Let's hit this last voicemail of the day before Pete Holmes. Holmes calling Pete Rose. Brought to you by Burrow. I almost called him Pete Rose. Brought to you by Burrow.

I'm going to have to get myself a Burrow couch. I'm moving. You are moving. Moving this weekend. Got myself a new spot. Going to need to fill it out. Going to need the most comfortable couch possible. So I'm going to go with a Burrow.

I have a Burrow, and I would trade it for nothing. You can customize your sofa. You can match it to your team's colors. Probably won't be doing that. I don't want an, and I would trade it for nothing. You can customize your sofa. You can match it to your team's colors. Probably won't be doing that. I don't want an orange and blue couch. But you can customize its style. You can customize its materials, its comfort, its size. Anything and everything can be changed and adjusted to fit your desires.

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Queso resistant. Which is clutch. I didn't know that. Yeah, go home and pour some queso on it if you haven't yet, because I know I will at the first night. It's soft. It's comfortable. They got the pillows. They got the legs.

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when you go to burrow.com slash KFC. I like... What's up slash KFC. I like, let's do friend doesn't save numbers. I don't like choosing. What's up KFC fight super producer? Like I found out one of my buddies doesn't save a single number on his phone. Like not even his, not even his parents.

Uh, and I'm pretty sure that's just a, like a grade A sign that he's a fucking crazy person. But like, he's also like one of those people that only has Snapchat and social media, no Facebook, no Instagram. Just getting your thoughts on a person that... He's doing his dirt.

I love this guy. Yeah, this is a great move. This is such a... This is such a... There's two things here, or maybe it's just a combination of both. One is, like, this guy just doesn't give a fuck and two is like i think he's there's a there's a touch of arrogance in this you know like he's he's just never worried about like oh what if i need to reach you what if what if what i have to be able to get this person or like oh my god i got

her number i have to save it he's just like i don't know it'll it'll work out see i i agree with that but that's the worst i i do i do think there's arrogance to it and all that but no matter how arrogant you are if you don't know someone's number it's always a panic so if if i get a text a call anything from an unknown number but like you know not saved number right um i'm like fuck and then And then I... Never answer it. With a text, I don't... I just... I try to have the conversation, and I'm just, like, trying...

Waiting for them to give you a tip on who it is. Yeah. Yeah. And that's just so much extra work than just saving a number. Oh, yeah. No, it's terrible. But I would imagine this guy just doesn't do that.

He just, like, doesn't respond to texts? I think he doesn't respond, or he just flat out goes, who's this? Every time. He has to be like, it's John. It's KFC again.

It's me again. Do you still remember your numbers from when you were a kid? Yeah. I actually, those are like, that's the last thing I ever learned. My friend's phone numbers. 6788-221. That's a buddy of mine. I mean, I'm not going to say them because now people are going to be calling your buddy.

I don't know. This is Eric. 2630172. Who's that? My buddy Block. I'm going to find out the area code and call Block. 659-586- But if I did that with, I actually got mad.

I had our guys, Matt and Brian, get not mad at me, but they were like, dude, you got to save our numbers because I wasn't doing it. So every time I wouldn't answer. Important business people wouldn't answer their phone calls because it was coming up. Who's this? And then finally, I. You're missing big opportunities, John. I eventually replied. I texted after I checked the voicemail once a couple weeks ago.

And I was like, yo, my bad. I don't have the number saved. I'll answer next time you call. Yeah, I got to save our number. See, that's such a slap in the face. They called, and I went, hello? And they go, have you not saved it still? Hello?

Look at Amron Bergen. Hello? John, are you fucking kidding me? You haven't saved the number still? All right, I'll do it now. I'll do it now. I'm Ron Bergen. Hello? John, are you fucking kidding me? You haven't saved the number still? All right, I'll do it now. I'll do it now. I'm sorry. What a total dickhead.

I love it, though. If you can live your life one number at a time. Fucking rock out. If you could only save one number, who would it be? I mean probably the mother of my kids but let's take that out that's not a fun answer it's gotta be someone

who can like do something for me you know I do Taylor Kitsch yeah that's right you have Taylor Kitsch. Yeah, that's right. You have Taylor Kitsch's number. I just want to have it. I've never called it. I've never texted it.

If I could have one phone number in my book, it would be a totally useless number. I'd be like, I got Taylor Kitsch's number. That's more valuable, though, to be able to see. You'll get a reaction. You know? That'd be pretty cool. Yeah.

You know what I'd do? I'd save Feidelberg's number know that'd be pretty cool yeah you know what i do like i i'd say feidelberg's number and be like this guy has taylor kitch's number all right let's get into this interview with pete holmes it's brought to you by light stream the holiday season is over it's a brand new year time to have a clean slate time to get your finances in order trying to get your affairs in order And I'm sure you got a lot of debt from holiday gifts, racking up bills around Christmas. Make it your New Year's resolution to consolidate that debt and get that low interest rate when you get a credit card consolidation loan

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Alright. KFC Radio featuring a huge guest. And I mean that literally and figuratively, Pete Holmes is here you're a big guy man you're Hollywood huge oh I know what you mean I mean it all, I mean all of it

Tom Cruise is like 3 foot 2 I mean everybody that we've taken pictures with that have come through, we're both 6 feet John will claim he's 6'1", I don't know about that and everybody and everybody taking pictures with that have come through. We're both six feet. John will claim he's 6'1". I don't know about that. You got my hair. And everybody thinks that we're standing on phone books or something because everybody's pretty small in Hollywood. You're 6'6"? I'm 6'6".

You're a freak. You're a freak, man. I'm 6'5". Same height as Jordan, they say. But I think they beefed that up for his stats. Yeah, if I were you, I'd beef up. I'm going 6'6". Well, they say. But I think they beefed that up for his stats. Yeah, if I were you, I'd beef up. I'm going 6'6". If I were you.

Well, they go down now. Yeah, now you want to be a guard and a ball handler and all that other shit. One of my favorite internet conspiracy theories right now is that LeBron James is actually seven feet tall. Is that a real one? Because Magic Johnson is listed as 6'9". And he was standing next to Magic Johnson at a Lakers game because he's been injured. And he towered over him.

Towered over him. Yeah, but why isn't the easiest solution that they would say Magic is taller than he is? You know what I mean? But with Kevin, it's the hot conspiracy theory. With Kevin Durant, it's the same thing. It's more fun to go the other way and be like, LeBron's seven feet tall. Exactly. I've gone in auditions where they're like, how tall are you?

And I go, 6'6". And they're like, okay. But they say okay initions where they're like, how tall are you? And I go, six, six. And they're like, okay. But they say okay in a way that's like, go fuck yourself. You can tell. Because it's hard. If you did what? You're watching season two of Crashing. So Jamie Lee is like way, she's like a.

Yeah. And if you ever cut to like a wide, I'm like, this looks like I'm an ogre. And I'm going to eat her bone. It doesn't play. The shot of you on, when you were on The Daily Show and Jon Stewart's like, we look like normal humans sitting together and then you guys stand up

and it looks like they do some CGI or something. It was like Gandalf and the Hobbits. It really was. It's super weird how small everybody in show business is. Yeah, whatever. Lorne Michaels was like, tall people aren't funny. Penn Jillette did season two, which you both probably saw. And he was like, I kind of sound like Penn because I have a cold.

He was like, Lauren told me flat out, he was like, tall people aren't funny. I was like, what? Will Ferrell. Yeah. Will Ferrell's tall. Yeah, well, I actually, first of all, the good news is if there's ever like a Hollywood Hunger Games, you're going to win. You're just going to kill everybody.

I'm not sure about that. I disagree with that because there are some- You can see me. Well, also there are just some scenes where you're walking where you look like a baby giraffe. That's right. I think it was a scene where you were- No, you see me. I feel seen.

This is like the end of Shape of Water. You see the real me, and I appreciate that. I think it was, I believe it was season three, and I think it was you were going to Artie's apartment. Yeah. And I think you bumped into a couple of things, and I was like, he doesn't even really- No. He hasn't figured out how the legs work yet. I feel seen.

I feel seen like a wet new giraffe. It's one of the reasons why I can't dance. Like when I dance, I'm like a lighthouse above the water level of everyone else that's dancing. So you know how you feel when you're dancing, you're just coaching yourself, like just do it, just have fun.

I'm up there like the example for everybody. It's way harder. And you really hit something on the head. One of the hardest things we do on Crashing is anytime I just have to walk somewhere. I feel like Ricky Bobby, I'm like, what do I do with my arms? Like if I'm in a scene with somebody and we're eating, oh, maybe

take a bite, take a drink or whatever. But if you're just walking, okay, you're walking to Artie's. That's why I'm falling into shit. That's why it's called Crashing. I think it plays. I guess it depends on what Okay, you're walking to Artie's. That's why I'm falling into shit. That's why it's called crashing. Literally crashing. I think it plays. I guess it depends on what your brand of humor is. If maybe you're trying to be, like, cool and suave and you're kind of overgrown,

maybe it doesn't play. But the people you mentioned are all – I mean, you're the king of, like, awkward right now. Yeah, that's what you want to be. Yeah. You'd knock them out of the park, though. I appreciate that. If I could walk down the street comfortably, there's a great Gary Shandling quote where Gary

Shandling and Jerry Seinfeld were at a party, and Shandling said to Jerry, he was like, why aren't I comfortable at parties? And Jerry said, the moment you're comfortable at a party is the day you're not funny anymore. So you want us to be baby giraffes and wrong and awkward people because we need representation as well. You know what I mean?

We have enough Jude Laws. Yeah, right. Pretty boys walking around. I don't look at Jude Law and go like, I see me up there. That's what crashing is for. Comedy is so humiliating. It's so embarrassing. And so is pursuing any dream.

So I think comedy is like a really relatable premise even if you're not interested in stand up comedy I think people watching crashing can go yeah that's what it feels like to try and be a pastry chef

putting yourself out there there's no there's no bigger example of that than doing comedy putting yourself out there and I would argue that that is sort of the meaning of life

is to take what you are inside and show it to other people and be like is this anything I don't know if you've ever taken mushrooms. That's what it feels like. It's like, this is what it's like in here. It's really important.

You hear me? That's what stand-up is. But that's the same thing as being in a relationship or being an architect. Everybody wants their thoughts to be heard and appreciated, and that's why I think stand-ups have the added benefit of being funny. So we have an excuse to be funny. that's where you're living right now where i think is so fascinating from your podcast to stand up to crashing thanks i mean it's funny but i think it's so much more than that like it goes so much deeper like when i when i heard we we landed you

as a guest and like we can talk about jokes and shit but i want to talk about like the religion aspect and like that's why what that why you made it weird work so well. It's intriguing. It's much more interesting the way you do it. I agree. I think that's a product of the internet and a product of podcasts is we sort of want the whole person. Back in the day, it was enough that Charlie Chaplin

was just like, is this the bathroom? And it's like a skyscraper. That was enough. Now it's like, what's Charlie Chaplin? Who's he married to? What's he doing? What's his political preferences? Yeah.

What keeps him up at night? I think, and I'm so happy to live in a world with audiences sophisticated enough to go like, I like your podcast. Yeah, it's funny. Or I like crashing. It's funny. I'm not like delusional. I don't think our show is 30 rock, but I like shows that are comedic at times

and dramatic at other times. Yeah. And we do that this season. We have episodes that sort of tackle the Me Too stuff. Obviously, in the second season you're about to see, we do an episode about Artie's addiction. So these are... Billy Echner had a really funny joke

where he's like, comedies aren't comedies anymore, they're just half-hour dramas. I know what he means. It's true, yeah. But starting in comedy isn't a comedy. You know what I'm saying? I think what's important is to be...

There are certain people, if they tried to do a drama, I'd be like, shut the fuck up. You're not that interesting or you're not that guy. There has to be something to it. I'm fascinated by your religion. As I'm watching it, it's always running through my mind. And obviously, crashing is very much based on your real life, right? Yes, and I think that's what gives it stakes.

When Judd and I, because first season, luckily we don't get this question anymore, but a lot of people were like, ugh, fuck, another show about stand-up? Like, get out of here. And I completely heard that. You know, I'm on this planet as well. But the difference is that it's about somebody with faith,

somebody who has faith and is struggling, not just in comedy, but in New York. It's a tricky place to reconcile some of the beliefs that might have made a little bit more sense. You're in Dante's sixth circle here. Exactly. It's a tough place to be like, God's still real, as you're surrounded by all of this.

All this suffering. You have to step over human bodies, warming themselves on grates and stuff. It's a lot to challenge. Like it's very – it was easier for me in what's called like the Christian bubble. And I'm not condescending Christians. I went to a Christian college. It was very easy to be a Christian at a Christian college because we all reflected our beliefs to one another. And then you get out in the world and you meet more people that have been in more complicated situations or in more complicated situations.

And that's sort of where the rubber meets the road. Now, did Penn actually play a factor in you trusting your faith at all? In season two, Pete sits down with Penn and he just basically blows up his entire faith. I mean, I skew more towards Penn, so I was like, oh, yeah. You know what's funny, though, is I am a spiritual person, and I agree with everything that Penn says. Which can happen. I feel like people think it's one or the other.

I completely agree. It's always the middle way. And he was just saying Penn is the most gorgeous. I use that word deliberately. He's like a gorgeous atheist. There are some. there's bitter religious people and there's bitter atheists. You can say Ricky Gervais if you want.

Well, there are people that are a little bit more militarized. You know what I mean? They want to change you. Yeah, the people who are atheists who are mad at evangelical type of religious people are just as bad. You're just jamming your rhetoric down my throat the same way they are.

Compassion has a place in all of these conversations, and either side can forget that for sure. And both sides can be very offensive in their ways. But so when I was like, we need somebody, a comedian that can express the beautiful side of atheism very well, I was like, well, Penn Jillette is your guy. And his whole thing was that we don't know. And that's just like, what's going

on here? And he's like, so an atheist, it's not that they believe that there is no God. They don't believe in God. There's a difference. Like, there is no God is a different belief than I don't believe in God, if that makes sense. I'm an atheist. I don't believe in that there is a God. You don't necessarily,

he goes, there could be? He goes, there's a myriad, I believe, in the universe. He references Pascal's Wager, in fact. I hate Pascal's Wager. I went to Catholic school, too, or at least through high school. Oh, I'm not like, don't bring that up. I just mean I've never enjoyed it, but go on. It was very hard beating into me.

And then to have him be like, well, Pascal's Wager, that's not the whole thing. I was like, so I went out on a different view. Awesome. Nice. Go on. I'm so happy that he shot holes in it as well. I've always hated the idea. Pascal's Wager, for people listening, is the idea

that if you believe in God and you die and he's real, you win. And if you believe in God and he's not real, you die, you still win. But you don't lose. Like, you're basically playing to not lose. But that's the stupidest idea in the world that there could be an infinite intelligence. This deep, beautiful deep beautiful infinite never-ending permeating everything intelligence that is

fooled by you pretending to believe in right just to save your ass but you know that's the world i grew up and i went to a christian college where you know the bible has some passages that make it sound very much like you shouldn't have sex until you're married we were all there's nobody hornier than a group of Christians. No horniest. So we were all dry humping. We were like, there's nothing about dry humping. I dry humped well into my mid-20s. I couldn't stop dry humping.

The over-the-jean jamboree. In Christian colleges, we'd go in our dorm rooms and dry hump. Some people did what I call a moist hump. It's real, which is a naked dry hump. As long as the hot dog doesn't go in the bun, it's okay. No way. The hot dog's just kind of riding the outside of the bun. Do you ride the outside

to completion? I've seen that tactic you've applied now. Oh my God. Yeah. That's how, because of porn and how much novelty

is there in porn, we have to go like, what about people dry humping? Is anybody moist? Who wants to see penetration anyway? Give me the kinky stuff. Basically.

Give me the moist hump. And then people are having anal sex with their girls. Yeah, that's the funniest to me. I mean, there was always one girl per high school, like, I'm a virgin. Except. It's just constantly getting fucked in the ass. I'm a vaginal virgin. But that is also, like Pascal's Wager, a very limited childish understanding of God.

Crazy. You think you're going to die, and he's going to be like, I specifically said, and you're like, it was in the butt. And it's like, alright, get in there. You lowered me pretty good. You got me. But unfortunately, you know, the mind is always looking for ways to

think around heart stuff. You know what I mean? These ideas are pointing at something way beyond your rationality, a space that's beyond thinking. And unfortunately, when that goes through the filter of your brain, you end up with people going like, well, how can we get around this? And I understand that. I understand. It was a weird thing being saved, you know, finding Christ so early in my life.

We hated it. We're like, why couldn't I have found Jesus? People would come into our church. You have to have a little bit of time. Exactly. They'd have guest speakers coming in and be like, I woke up in a truck stop, we was in an ass of a prostitute with my pillow. And we're all like, we're making the face that's like, oh no, we're so glad you're here

now. But in our minds, we're like, that's such fucking awesome. What sins was Jesus redeeming? You know what I mean? We hadn't done any, not any good ones. Sleeping in on a Sunday occasionally. We didn't get a chance to explore. And that's one of the things we explore in Crashing. Did you have, was there a specific moment in real life that you were like,

all right, I'm out on the strictness or the craziness that you had an epiphany that was. It's what Crashing is about is my, in my real life, and please don't feel awkward, but I got married when I was 22. And when I was 28, she had an affair. And she told me that she was leaving for this guy. And I like at this point, like I was wearing khakis and blue blue polos. And I was I looked like a youth pastor. John Mulaney said I dressed like I was divorced before I was divorced.

I just looked like a sad dad with my new balances and stuff. I was having like two light beers at a ball game. And I'm like, I don't know if I can drive. Like it was just like a real softie. And then like, it was this essential. I look back, it's so essential. It was like this wake up moment where I was looking at it wrong. I thought because I played the bass in the worship team and I went on missions trips to Uganda and Venezuela to build houses for needy people. And that I didn't have sex before marriage and I didn't smoke or swear or do drugs and I tried not to masturbate too much. I did, but I tried. I tried.

Limit it. I thought that that got me like the mafia. I thought that I was paying protection money. And I thought that like I was paying God to watch my Korean bakery and then one day someone threw a brick through the window and I was like, well, this God protection isn't working. Obviously that's not how it works. I have a very different

understanding of suffering now. And it's a little bit hard to talk about because I don't want to be insensitive to people that are suffering. Ah, fuck them. Yeah, they're already miserable. But I'm just saying when I look back, I don't see that as God failing.

I see that as something, let's not even say God because it's too loaded, something trying to shake up, rattle my cage, and get me to wake up to the idea that the game isn't being played in the way that I thought it was. I thought it was be a good boy, go to heaven, be a good boy,

be in the protection, be a good boy, everyone will love you and everything will go your way. And that's not what's going on. Suffering is built into the game for a reason, and it's to add a little heat under you. So did you cut loose at all? After that? Yeah.

Yes, I did. Did you have a little, like, Bender situation for a little while? Predator? Bender, not Predator. No. I don't know. I tried to Did you have a little like Bender situation for a little while? Predator? Bender. Not Predator. No. I don't know. I tried to trap you in that one. I mean, I did go in the jungle and hunt an alien.

But other than that, come get me, I'm here. Yes, it was a little bit like a rump springer. Yeah. Where I remember I would go out to bars in New York. I was living in New York at the time. And I'd stay out till like 3 in the morning. And the whole bar was still full. And I remember thinking like, did all of your wives just leave?

Like I didn't understand the idea that people just liked going out and getting drunk. We do this like four times a week, man. And I was just like, oh, wow, y'all must be going through something real hard. They were just having fun. But, yeah, I got to do what I didn't get to do. And I actually do see that as, like, a strange grace that I got to see that world. And this isn't where I go, like, and it's empty and decrepit. It was beautiful.

I had, like, beautiful casual sex. I had lovely experiences like that. And I saw that there was, like, beautiful moments. I don't want to say loaded words like holy or something. I'm just saying there was beauty. It's not like you lost all concept of God and religion. You saw it for what it was really worth. In fact, I went to Bonnaroo

with my girlfriend at the time and we took mushrooms and that is actually what sort of opened me back up to the idea that something is going on that we don't understand. So you like mushrooms, huh? I do like mushrooms. You reference his name. I've probably only done them five times in my life,

but I do them ritualistically. I don't throw them in my mouth on the way to a Tool concert. I do them not at Bonnaroo. At Bonnaroo it was kind of casual, but it ended up sort of grabbing me by the collar and going like, what are we doing just acting like this is normal? Right. That consciousness is normal, that the world, like,

you guys, this is stupid. I mean, consciousness is normal. That's an interesting argument. I would say you're right, that it is normal, because here it is everywhere. Right. But what is going on? Like, a good exercise is what's looking out of your eyes right now.

You know what I'm saying? You think it's you, but really it's just this thing, this awareness, I would argue, that's noticing you. This shit, this is where my brain, I start to get like, I don't want to talk about this. It's fucking with my head, man. That's interesting. I understand.

I would argue that that's your ego vying for power. It wants to stay in control. Yeah, probably. Because as soon as you start living in that space, the volume on your thoughts gets turned down. But you need to relax and go that that's where peace is. When I was a kid, I used to pray for peace. I would stay up at night.

I was such an anxious kid. I had a bald spot on the side of my head. You know, I was bullied. I had man boobs. They called me biter shaft. Wait, where did the bald spot come from? Just pull it out yourself? No, no, I didn't pull it out.

I got a bald spot on the side of my head from stress. I was so fucking freaked out at school. And what did they call you? Biter shaft. It was after sex ed. We learned that the part of the penis, the long part is called the shaft. They just started calling me biter shaft. I give bad

toothy blowjobs, I guess. So I was like, you know, I had a nice sea cup going. I'm wearing my rayon shirts to school. I'm doing my hair like Zack Morris. I'm not fitting in. I'm fucking freaking out. And I would pray for peace. But for me, you guys can steer this away from religion.

No, that's good. Prayer was just more thinking. It was the idea that I was going to think to God and that he was going to listen to my thoughts like the NSA. Dear Jesus meant start listening. Amen means stop listening. But it was really just me going like, please help me to relax. Please help me sleep. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but there is a level beyond that, which is instead of identifying with the thoughts,

rest in your basic awareness, in your essence, in the thing that's noticing the thing, not the part of you that's listening to me, the part of you that's watching you listening to me. And it can freak you out, but that's where peace is. It's not in your ego. It's behind your ego. And you can rest and relax. You got full leaf on us. Yeah.

Okay, so I'm – because I can feel Judd going, please stop talking about religion because it's boring to some people. I understand. So leaf on the show is me now. Okay. So I'm always writing characters, like Penn. Penn did his own dialogue, but I was like,

I want to represent my beliefs now to me pretending to be me then. So I write in these characters that say the things to me that I needed to hear but wasn't ready to hear. And that's one of the trippier things about the show.

That is very deep. What's wild is that you can, you know, there's this element of it where, like I said, you can really think deep. And then, like, I just watched the scene where, you know, you had your sit pee. Which was, Pete, I'm almost fucking mad at you. That was the most awkward thing in the world to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I was like, I can't be alive anymore because I just watched this guy get up out of this girl's bed, hold his

dick in paws, waddle into her bathroom, and then say to her, oh no, no, no, it's just my sit B. And that's real. I was going to say, I can't do that. People get me, like, people say it to me all the time. We used to do this thing called Barstool Confessions where it's a little different than the Lord's.

But it would be, you know, people kind of like just like tweet us embarrassing things about them. Tell us something that you do. Yeah. And I would very often get, I sit down when I pee, when I'm hungover, when I'm tired, or whatever it was. In the middle of the night? They did that on Curb.

I wish I could break that story. I've never done that. Never done that. There's been times I'm too hungover to stand. No, there hasn't. There have been times I've been so hungover, but I've been conscious enough to stand. Her reaction was the best.

She's like, oh, okay, it's a sippy, but close the door while you do it. Yeah, no, she was freaked out. The idea, though, when you get married

when you're 22 and then you go out into the real world and try and have sex with somebody that you're not planning on getting married to, it's fucking weird.

And I was so, in real life, I was so much more comfortable with intimacy than I was with sex. Like, sex was weird. But, like, hanging around naked, like going to the kitchen naked was, like, the most normal thing you could do

because I was used to cohabitating with a woman. That didn't freak me out. Snuggling, like, spooning. Like, I didn't think it was weird to spoon. My friend Emily Gordon, Kumail Nanjiani's wife, was like, you are fucking freaking everyone out. She had an intervention. She was like, stop snuggling with people that you met in Cincinnati and 69'd with.

Like if you do a casual drunken 69 in a Holiday Inn Express. A spooning that does not earn. You cannot stroke their hair and sketch them on the hotel stationery. You're a fucking serial killer at that point. I didn't know that. I thought, wow. I did that one time on the Blackout Tour. This is this old concert we used to have. This is way, way back in the Barstool days.

And honestly, God, no, it was in Columbus, Ohio. It wasn't it's columbus ohio and i went drunkenly went home with a girl and like i would we were still i was young i was probably 21 and um i had been with like a ton of girls and so like we hooked up and then this girl was getting dressed to leave yeah and i was like hey where you going get back and i thought i was polite. Being like, don't leave. It's fine. You can stay. And I've never seen someone so reluctantly take their pants off to get back in bed. Hilarious. Like, I guess I got to stay now. I thought I was being the nice guy. I was like, no, no, no.

You don't have to leave yet. So much of what my character on the show, he thinks he's doing what's nice and normal. And really, you should just be a grown up and be like, all right, let's not get too sticky here. So the guys on the show kind of guiding you through it. Bill Burr was a guest in season two. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. That's my Bill Burr. Nah, I'm serious.

Pete, you're fucking weirdo. Dot, dot. If I wasn't losing my voice, it would be better. His line of like, he just paused. He said, there's just so many things you say that I don't even know voice, it would be better. His line of like, he just paused. He said, there's just so many things you say that I don't even know how to respond to. Yes. But he's guiding you through. And then Artie is kind of the main guy who, I mean, you can't come up with someone further on the other end of the spectrum than Artie Lang.

That's right. And that was Judd's genius. My first draft of the pilot, I think it was Zach Galifianakis was going to be the guy that let Pete stay on his couch. And then I think it was Hannibal Buress. And then I, I don't know, it might've been Mulaney or Sir Silverman or something.

And then he was like, if we're going to shine a light on somebody that grew up and I know I'm kind of sounding hippie trippy. Now I just grew up meeting potatoes, you know, Jesus died for his sins. I was evangelical, believe in that.

And if, if he is going to stay with somebody that's going to challenge that who better than arty lang obviously arty is funny first and foremost oh my god but he represents the idea it's like any journey that you're going to go on any like lord of the rings style journey someone at the beginning needs to be like there's dragons out there like you can get your shit fucked up and and I'm proof, and you think it's all cute, and you're just going to tell jokes, and then you'll be Seinfeld. I'm here to say you can lose your soul.

You can lose your life. Right. So that gives our show a little bit of an engine. He came in here, and everybody, it's very obvious with a lot of the struggles he's had, but then he just flips the switch, and the comedy comes out, and the smarts come out. Yeah. It was crazy when he was in here, because there were times where we were sometimes you know we have a lot of podcasts here so we can't always have a studio so we were doing in our ceo's office and she has these kind of like white chairs and there were

times where i thought i was gonna have to stop the interview and catch him he was like because he was really waving but like but when he's talking he's extremely coherent and sharp it's it was crazy. Nobody wants to stop doing heroin more than me. I know. You know what I mean? This is another one of those things where the brain needs to sometimes catch up with the body. Right.

And nothing has convinced me more that it's a disease. People – I think it sounds like, I don't know, like very 2019 or very liberal or something to call it. It's absolutely not. It's like empirically, objectively, it's a disease. He wants to quit. And on the show, he's been very, very professional. Unbelievably hilarious. Always showing up on time and doing his work.

But, you know, he's losing some rounds. We always joke that we keep, Judd and I keep writing scripts and stories for season four, let's say, where he's like Mr. Rogers. How funny would it be if season four just started and he's wearing like a sweater vest tucked in. He's skinny and tan. And he's worried

about Pete. I mean, if we could control it because we love him and because that's funny, that's what we would write. I'm still, I'm an optimist. I'm holding out. It's like, he went to rehab. I think he's clean.

He's trying. I think Bill, Bill just gave him another intervention really recently, didn't he? Bill Burr? I could have sworn

I've seen headlines recently that there was a group of comedians who gave him another, like this is in the last two days. Oh, wow. And I might be wrong, but I thought I saw Bill

thrown in the mix. I'm serious. Stop doing heroin. What are you doing? The only thing you should thought I saw Bill thrown in the mix. No, I'm serious. Stop doing heroin. What are you doing? The only heroin you should be doing is the one in the movies, like a hero woman. No, I'm serious. She's over there going like, you like when I kill the dragons with the swords? That's basically Joe DeRosa's impression.

It's very good. I was intentionally not looking at you. Joe DeRosa. Really good. Look up Joe DeRosa. He does it way better than me. Now, I have a question. In season three, you have a new girlfriend.

You and Allie have a little split at the end. Is any of her based on reality? Because I'll tell you what, I love this woman, and I'm also so terrified of her. And I've dated a girl just like her, and it's so terrifying. Yeah, the third season, it's definitely based on a conglomeration of relationships that we had all had in the room. Certainly one of mine. The feeling of dating like a sex positive, wild, opinionated, unembarrassed person. Like somebody that just like doesn't understand why anyone would ever not just say exactly what they're thinking.

I had to skip the scene when you go up to the table at the cellar. Yes. You skipped it. I had to skip it. I couldn't do it. He's a big like it'll embarrass him to the point he's like I can't watch it. I had to skip it. I couldn't do it. He's a big, like, it'll embarrass him to the point that he's like, I can't watch it. I can't watch it. I love it.

That makes me feel so good. It's like when people are like, I can't watch Black Mirror at night. Right, right, right. Yeah, that's when you know you did it right. That's a great compliment. Even more so than all that is, like, I felt like one of the things that was so intimidating about her, and everything about a woman is intimidating to, I think, everybody. You know, their intelligence, their attractiveness and all that.

But I think the most intimidating thing to me is emotional intelligence. And it seems like she, Kat, has that in spades, where she always knows exactly what's going through your head and tells it to you. And she's like, you know, like, you stopped loving us because you saw someone else. And it's like, that's exactly what happened. No, I know.

It's so scary to be with somebody who can read you like that. Especially when you're trying to bullshit your way through life and they know it. Totally. And there's something about, like, I'm from Boston. So it's just like there's this repressed, waspy thing where we don't communicate. We think it's impolite to say something that we don't like in a relationship. So we just bury it down. Oh, yeah.

Until it rears its ugly head. The line that's most resonated with me in any film, cinema, anything, music, is Matt Damon in The Departed. When he's with the therapist. And I'm Irish. He says, you're going to have to end it because I'll stay with this forever. Exactly. That's the truest thing to describe me as a person I've ever run into.

So I'm happy to represent you. It's probably why you related to this. We think it's like, keep it in, don't talk about it. And she's like, talk about it, talk about it. Which is a thrill to date a woman like that until you're at a cocktail party with nice, decent people. And she's like, so you guys do anal? Like you're fucking freaking out. But inside you're going, well, that's strike seven. You know what I mean?

And then you break up with them out of the blue and they're like, oh. And you're like, what? You didn't know I'm from New England? Like this is what we do. Right, right. We're polite, but then like suddenly we'll stab you when all we've ever done is give you flowers. We just hit you over the head with a club. It's fucking great emotionally.

It's fucking crazy. So I was very excited to bring a new type of relationship. But the thing that's interesting, her name is Kat, the character. She also believes in Pete. You know when you're starting out in a dream and everyone just shits on you just like crashing? Everyone's always just making fun of people. Then you meet somebody new who doesn't know that you suck and that everybody thinks you suck and they actually think you're great. That's essential.

You either need to date somebody like that, have a friend like that, or in a perfect situation, have that person just in your head. Have it be a voice in your head. If you got that, God fucking bless you. God bless you, and keep it to yourself, because nobody likes a guy that's like, I got it! Unless you're Kanye.

Nobody wants to hear it. Just like, I'm the best! Muhammad Ali and Kanye West are the only people that could voice that. But keep that shit to yourself. But it's essential. You need somebody that's like, no, I think you're fucking funny

and your friends are full of shit. So she definitely helps him in this very, very beautiful way. I'll tell you what I do. I just watch Crashing. There's something for everybody, every part of me, and I just relate to this and that

and I believe this. I disagree with that. It's a very, it's an exercise. I'm happy to hear that. And, you know, I do think the Me Too episode is going to cause

interesting conversations and stuff, which I'm just all for. It's interesting. Especially when you're going after your dream. Here you are, hosting podcasts, being creative, taking what's in here and putting it out there. I think this show is for people that want to feel a little solidarity. I always tell people the message of crashing is if you're pursuing a dream and it sucks, that doesn't mean poor you. That means good for you. That means you're doing it right.

Hell yeah. I like that. You're on the right path because guess what? It sucks for fucking everyone. So it's a rite of passage. It's not just suffering. It's not needless suffering. It's necessary suffering.

And it's going to make you better and it's going to make you feel so good when you're in the club. That's some poetic shit, Pete. We appreciate it. Crashing season three. Crashing season three is out. Make sure you catch it on HBO. If you haven't seen it, I very highly recommend it. And it's a great binge.

It's easy. It's an easy binge. By the way, season one and two are on HBO. I actually watched. I told Pete I started season three last night about 9 o'clock. I finished it all. But what I didn't tell Pete was I actually watched the second half of season two just to catch up on it because I hadn't seen it

in so long so I watched like 12 crashing episodes last night. I really appreciate that. You can do that. Yeah you can hammer through them. If they're not too long. They're very very incredible. I really really enjoy the show. Thanks man I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me.