KFC Radio - Quarantine Songs, AITA Thursday, and Steve Lemme & Kevin Heffernan Return

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

"Am I great or am i losing my mind?" KFC and Feits give an update on how quarantine life is treating them. They rank the best and worst glasses at their house. They both sing a song that they prepared about their time in quarantine. Send us your Quarantine Songs. AITA Thursday returns with a man "appreciating" someones instagram photos and a girl whose boyfriend blew up her car. Voicemails include: Quarantine with a blogger, Health Bar IRL, and Erase a Movie Universe. Steve Lemme & Kevin Heffernan (1:19:0o) join the show once again. We discuss how LA is handling the coronavirus outbreak, the viral meme of the BBC guy, how Steve is a bidet ninja, and much more.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, live from quarantine via Skype. It's me and your boy, Feidelberg, thriving here in the new reality. There are two sets of people in society right now, John. There are the people thriving, and there are the people drowning. And I think we're about to inherit the earth because people are going crazy. They're physically getting fat.

They're mentally getting weak. And I am over here just smiling ear to ear. The last episode of Mail Time, I said, I'm upset that it's because of death and tragedy, but I would stay this way. I don't want to get like old takes exposed, so I'm going to do what I always do. In the moment, right now, it is the correct take to say I'm thriving. Who knows what's going to happen in a month? Who knows what's going to happen in two months? Who knows what's going to happen in two months? But I'm exercising multiple times per day.

I am reading, watching TV. I've gone outside three times in a week and a half to two weeks. We're getting close to two weeks. I think it was since two Thursdays ago was when I was like, all right, I'm locking it down.

We're borderline two weeks from me now. And it is... When this is all over, I might rob a bank and just go to jail. I might rob a bank and then the cops go. I'm just sitting on the curb outside. I don't think I'm going to go to jail. I just think I'm not going to work. You guys can Skype with me. Meet me.

I'm available over my phone. I will be here because this is where I'm meant to be. I'm available over my phone. I will be here because this is where I'm meant to be. I'm the opposite of you. I'm not doing all the healthy shit. I'm not living actually well, but I just don't, I'm just, I don't care about what I look anymore. I'm not worried about being on camera anymore. I don't care about being social. Like I used to be like, oh man, I'm like, I'm being a bad friend. I should get out more. I should see people more. I should do things. Now nobody's doing anything.

You don't have to feel any guilt. There's no FOMO. There's no social guilt. It's like every day is a bad weather day and everybody's inside doing the same thing. I can't get back. I disagree with that. I don't want it to go forever. What I'm good at is I'm a chameleon where I'm good at adapting into what I need to be adapting to at that moment.

If I was in a club, I can have fun in a club. Right now, this is where I need to be to have fun, and I can make it fun. I can do this. I'm very good at taking, I guess, like a chef, right, on Chopped, when they're like, here's the things you have. Make a meal. I can make a fucking meal. I can make a chef, right? Like on Chopped, when they're like, here's the things you have. Make a meal. I can make a fucking meal. I can make a gourmet meal everywhere. Maybe it's not a gourmet meal for everybody,

but I can make a gourmet meal for myself in any situation. I got two dumbbells. I'm making fucking full workouts. I got a bunch of – I mean, I'm on fire. I'm the best I've ever been. I'm literally the happiest I've ever been. I'm literally the happiest I've ever been. Last night, I was dancing shirtless, Taylor Swift with my headphones in, drinking a glass of wine, cooking up some butternut squash with aburriata sauce, some grilled chicken. I was fucking... Oh, boy.

I'm just... It depends who you ask. Am I great or am I losing my mind? We don't really know. Fine line. There's a fine fucking line between genius and insanity. And that's, we're going to see a lot of that in quarantine. I mean, I genuinely feel bad for the people who are like, you know, I can't just, I'm antsy. I can't sit still. I have to be out.

I don't feel bad for you. I don't. It's just I don't get it. It's just like I don't know. I don't know. I don't feel bad for you because it's not something it's optional. Just learn how to do it. Yeah. I don't like getting up and going to work.

I'm not good at that. I fucking have to do it. I learned how to do it. Yeah. I don't like getting up and going to work. I'm not good at that. I fucking have to do it. I learned how to do it. Right. But I also, I mean, yes, you have to just, like, be an adult and become a chameleon like we are. But it's more like I just don't get, like, if you're in here and you're surrounded by four walls and a ceiling, you freak out. Like, I could be right out there. Right on the other side of this wall

is outside if i was right there you'd be okay because like the blue sky is above you be a dog do it all the time fucking put up put up look at google images fucking look at the sunset on your phone what the fuck i and i can understand if you have a preference, but to be like, oh, my God, I'm losing my mind. Grow up. Just fucking indoors. Calm down. I will say this. I am in agony right now. I've got one of those pimples that you can't pop.

It's not even close to poppable, and it's making my whole fucking head, my whole face hurts, John. And I know it's not going to pop. I know if I touch it, it's not going to go away. But I still just sit there, and I'm just going to try to do it. And I know it's going to get worse. You're washing your face too much is the issue here. No, John. That's not how this works.

I don't know. If it doesn't have a pimple, it's about to pop. It won't pop. You have the greasiest face and the oiliest hair. It doesn't make any sense. No, you're just – like, you've touched my face. You've touched my hair. You know neither of those things are true.

It doesn't make sense. The one thing I'm not doing, and I used to do this at work, is I'm not drinking water anymore. I used to just grab a bottle of water everywhere I go. Now I go fill up and I fucking – like, to fill up a cup, just grab a bottle of water everywhere I go. Now I got I go fill up and I fucking like to fill up a cup. I I'm a bottle guy, you know, I just grab the bottle and go. I got one bottle to keep.

And I refill it. I refill it in the, uh, in the bathroom sink. I just got a crack down my fucking, one of my favorite cups. It's like a whole split down the middle. You have a plastic cup as a favorite cup? What is this?

Well, I have several favorite cups. I have this one because of size. This is the perfect quantity for me, for my drinks. This is, this cup right here. Everybody has I'd say reasonably three cups that are your go-to cups.

So I have, like, a graveyard of them here. I have – this one is, like, yeah, plastic is not great, but I just love the size here. I got these new, like, tumbler glasses. This is a new addition. So I actually have a tumbler glass I've added to my collection. So this is a new addition. So I actually have a combo glass I've added to my collection. So this is a newbie. I feel like it takes a lot to crack my rotation, and I got new glasses because I didn't have enough of them.

And these are currently flying up the power rankings here. Right. They got good weight to them? Yeah. It's like a heavy-duty, again, good wide not too wide not too big it's just a solid good glass and i like it's got this this line right here that's like if i'm going for like if i need like a a little bit of milk sure there's it's like a beer pong line almost. Yeah, but fuck those lines. I don't get boxed in with my liquids. It's a suggestion.

If you need it, there you go. Do you have any others there? I have – this is a unique one. This was actually one of our sponsors. So I don't have any more of them. I lost them in the great split. I used to be a

hardcore copper mug, Moscow Mule guy. I had about four or five copper mugs. Those are my favorite glasses of all time. This is not quite that, but it's similar. It looks

like it's wood, but it's similar. So this, it looks like it's wood, but it's metal. And it keeps shit freezing cold. Oh, that's what Chaps did. Chaps got like, that's the only cup Chaps has in his house now. Yes. He doesn't have like anything that can leave a ring. This is my number one. And it actually used to come with a top that had like a little,

like a mouthpiece that would slide open and closed so you're supposed to be able to bring this as like a wine glass on like a picnic but i just crush like freezing cold milk ice cold water bubbly soda this is my shit right here and it's durable as fuck i just went and got mine. My number one is unmatched. You can't – no one will be able to touch my number one. Rocks glass, initials engraved, and the bottom looks like a butthole. That does look like a butthole. Yeah. So that's one.

I mean you can't beat that. And then two is just a standard glass but a good weight. It's Buzzards Bay. I like labeled glass. I don't like just straight glass. I like something interesting. I like something artsy about it. Pint glass, too.

That's just like your 16-ounce or whatever it is. What are those called? That animal? That bird? Like a prey bird? Vulture? Vulture, yeah. I think it's a vulture. And then my milk glass is this one, the Hoogarden.

And it's got grip. You got to have a grip on it. So we got the grip on there. And again, a good weight. Weight's important. Weight's real important. That's a Hefeweizen beer right there. That's that one.

Yeah, yeah. How about this? This is my worst glass. This is probably why I got divorced. These were on my wedding registry. Look at this stupid fucking goblet. It's a terrible glass. It's the worst glass. And let me tell you something.

You can't even really see it. This holds like one and a half ounces. Yeah. It's like a fake, fancy wine glass that doesn't hold wine. It's like you're trying to be medieval. I want a jersey or something like that. These fucking suck.

Blue, dumb, fake goblet. Get out of my fucking face. I have a bunch of these because I just got screwed. And I put them on like – I had to get on like a stool to put them on a shelf that's so fucking high so now they're just gone i might as well just smash these on the ground you getting those glasses is the worst thing that happened to you yep like like that was i i can just picture that being like the selling point not selling point but like the point of contention like no you have to take these

glasses like no here's the beginning of the assets here's this here's you know all the important stuff and it's like no you have to take these glasses like no i won't like fine we're gonna get up we're walking everything else was set the money the house the kids who's gonna take the dumb blue goblets. Fine, I'll see you in court. Unbelievable. But, yeah, I mean, everybody's got their own favorite cups. Yesterday you blogged, which is your favorite burner on the stove, which I am astounded, people, that it's not a universal front right.

I mean, it's straight up. Obviously, like, it was someone tweeted it, and just like you, I was like, what are you talking about? a universal front right. I mean. It's straight up. Obviously, like, it was someone tweeted it, and I'm just like you. I was like, what are you talking about? It's front right. That motherfucker who tweeted it said back left. Back left. Cool. Never.

Never. It's very simple. Front right. That's MJ. Right? And I'm not even a righty. So, like, I'm reaching across the body here. I'm doing, like, fucking – I'm like Patrick Mahomes.

I'm, like, doing crazy plays just to be able to get the ball in front right hands. And that's where you go with your meats and stuff. That's where the fucking heart, where the bulk of your meal is cooked. Front left, that's where you do your grains. Maybe you're cooking up a jasmine rice, maybe some rice pilaf, right? Maybe a little spaghetti. You know, whatever you're doing over there. Maybe veggies. And that's whatever you're doing over there. Maybe veggies.

That's where you work in the left. The back, either of the back burners, those are a backup quarterback. People say, let's put that on the back burner. Right. It's one of those things where it's nice to know it's there,

but if you need to use it, you're already in over your head. You're already on burner three and something's going to know it's there but if you need to use it you're already in over your head yeah you're already on burner three and something's gonna burn if you put it one time something's gonna burn like in general i'm using just the front right i i rarely have multiple fucking pots and pans going so for me it's just like i have i have three or maybe four completely unused burners. But, yeah, I mean, if you are into the back left, that means you better be cooking, like, Thanksgiving dinner by yourself. And, like, you know, you're on chops in a challenge or something like that. Dude, like, I don't even know if my back burners work. Like, those pilot lights might be out if that's a thing that happens.

I don't know if it's one pilot light for the whole stove or what out goes but whatever i don't i don't know if they even work fuck if i don't know it would be it would be shocking to me if they did work it's been four years haven't checked are you gonna uh you got any any like quarantine goals you're gonna like learn how to i was like maybe i'll learn how to cook more i'm not gonna do any of these things well yeah i told you i'm gonna. I'm going to learn the ukulele. And I got two chords. I got C and F down. And then I can – which means I can almost play somewhere over the rainbow.

How's Spanish going? I still haven't got my fucking book. I don't know. Yeah, that ain't coming anytime soon. I'm just like, bang. Yes. I'm pretty sure the young adult Spanish novels are not on the essential deliveries list. Yeah.

And then the, uh, but you know, maybe I just started watching zero, zero, zero on Amazon, a lot of Spanish in that subtitled. So kind of trying to pick up there a little bit.

Um, it's quite slow. I haven't, it's, I'm only like halfway through episode two. I fell asleep last night. It's, it's by the same guys who make traffic.

The concept is cool where it's like, there's the Mexican, uh, who make the cocaine concept is cool, where it's like there's the Mexicans who make the cocaine, and they're selling it to an Italian mafia, and then an American shipping family is like the middle brokers. And from what I can tell, things go very awry. But it's by the same guys who make traffic. So it's like a lot of stories happening at once. They're all on the same timeline, but it's like, okay, now we're in Italy. Now we're

in New Orleans. Now we're in Mexico. I love it. The paths cross, but then we go back to see how the paths cross. I'm not going to give it a hard wreck yet. Give me a few more episodes. I'll suss it out. Speaking of TV wrecks, Friday, Ozarks is back, season

three. I feel like whether you're a big Ozarks fan or kind of in the middle having something like a pretty well known series come back now is a good thing like that's gonna be I mean it'll probably last me you know one night but

it will be you know I'm excited for that I feel like everybody I know that they released a couple of those movies but I feel like everyone should do their duty. And if you've got a series ready, fucking drop it, man, because you're going to blow up. If you've got a comedy special, drop it. If you've got a season to drop, drop it, because people will watch right now.

Arsenal Gold, drop it, because guess what? It's open for everybody now. The people have spoken. We are doing our civic duty. All video content will now be available. We'll be putting it on YouTube. We will be re-releasing some of our gold series. So, you know, John's One Thing I Learned.

We'll be rolling those out. We've got all the Behind the Blogs will be out. Everybody can now watch. We've been doing this for a little while now, but everybody can watch full episodes of the podcast on YouTube. Um, our, our YouTube channel is pretty fucking dope. If you head over to the YouTube channel, we've got several playlists. It's all very organized. Our, our segments, our guest segments, um, monologues that I've been doing on MailTime, answer the Internet clips.

It's all very organized, really, really quality video content from our boy Nick, who just smashes it on the video edits. So content for everybody. But still make sure, download, rate, subscribe, all that shit. We've got a meeting tomorrow. We've got to have a phone conversation about the podcast industry and clients and all that. Just please, the love of God, download the podcast just so we don't have to do phone calls. I don't even care about anything other than I just don't want to have to have these fucking conference calls with sales and with clients and all that shit. Please. please. So while you're watching your KC Radio content, why don't you hop on Grubhub and order

up some of your favorite food right now. We're trying to help save all the restaurants that you love. Every order on Grubhub right now supports the local community because all the restaurants and all your favorite bars are relying on delivery and pickup order because nobody can go out during the quarantine. So Grubhub is offering contactless delivery, so you don't have to worry about any germs, any coronavirus spreading. They'll also be doing special promotions every single day. So if you open up your Grubhub Seamless app and you look at the neighborhood specials, you can save money while saving your favorite restaurant.

Pickup or delivery orders can save a lot of people during this time. I spoke on MailTime about it at length. We talked to Mackenzie, who is a listener who runs several bars in Kentucky. She's trying to keep things afloat. And the best way you can do that right now is make sure you order out. I know everyone's stocked up on their goods at the grocery store, but also keep in mind that when we go back to normal, if you want to still be able to go to your favorite restaurants and bars,

you've got to make sure you keep them afloat right now. So right now you can also donate on top of your regular order to the Grubhub Community Relief Fund, which will help support restaurants and drivers affected by coronavirus. Right now we're running a promotion. If you go, when you order on Grubhub, use the promo code KFCRADIO, and you'll get $10 off any order of $15 or more. So think about that. If you order a $15 meal right now, you're going to get $10 off.

It's almost free. So go to Grubhub and use promo code KFCRADIO and enjoy the restaurants you love delivered to you right now. Grubhub promo code KFC radio. So you mentioned your ukulele. And you mentioned, bro, I definitely I cannot believe I don't have coronavirus. Yeah, this is crazy. I mean, it's like everybody warned me that my test wasn't done correctly.

And I kind of understand what they're saying because I've been looking at these diagrams. And it's supposed to go like in your nose, like straight back. And mine definitely went like up my nose. Oh, yeah, for sure. And I couldn't believe when I watched the footage back because it felt like it was in my fucking brain. And I watched it back, and she really didn't go that deep, and she definitely went up. So a lot of people were like,

you might be one of those people with a false negative because the test was done wrong. And I'm like, you know what? That really fits the narrative. Because yesterday when Syndergaard had his Tommy John announcement, I told Feist, and he goes, I just can't believe you don't have coronavirus. He's like, that's my luck. his Tommy John announcement. I told Feist and he goes, I just can't believe you don't have coronavirus.

He's like, that's my luck. The Mets, their most important pitcher, like DeGrom is good, we know. Their most important pitcher, where everything hinges upon him, somehow needs Tommy John during a baseball strike. There's no baseball being played. How did he even fucking, how did he hurt it?

What was he doing? I don't know. I'm surprised it took him this long to get hurt. I know. John, you remember my – you know, our fabled five aces, DeGrom, Syndergaard, Harvey, Wheeler, Matz, all five of them have had Tommy John surgery. Dude, that's what I used to say with fucking, I forget his name.

Uh, the, the pitcher we traded for drew Pomeranz, uh, it was my hero. Cause Pedro Martinez said he played like a young him when he was 16. I was like, just fucking rip his food. Now,

whatever TJ is rip that tendon or muscle right now and just fix it. Just fucking do it. Get it done. Start rehabbing. Now you'll be like a robot afterwards. But yeah, I think the only thing more fitting for me, not having

the coronavirus, would be that I think I don't have it and I start spreading it to everywhere. I'll be like, not patient zero, but like the guy who thought he was all clear and ended up killing like everybody's grandparents because it was fucking wrong. I'm just going to kill myself. Did you see the numbers?

Did you see the video of the British professor breaking it down? No. Dude, it's crazy. Like this hat says, just stay the fuck at home. It was so the regular flu infects at a rate of 1.2, well

1.3 to 1.4. Yeah, You told me it was 53,000 people, right? 9,000, 59,000 people will be infected by you. If you go out, I've watched that clip like four times, which is stupid. Cause I keep giving myself anxiety.

I feel like the world is broken up into two parts of people right now, where it's one, the people who are scared and just keep consuming news. And then two, the people who consume none and just keep consuming news. And then two, the people who consume none and aren't scared. And we just need to get to the middle. I need to stop looking at stuff. If you don't look at stuff, you need to look at more stuff.

And just be concerned and just stay in the house for a little while. I also think it's people who – it depends on how many people you have in your life. Like Dave always yells at me. I'm like, you Dave, you're just sitting in your apartment day trading all day long. And so that's it. Like I'm hearing stories from hospital front lines from my sister.

I'm hearing about like the families in Brooklyn for my brother. Like if you don't, if you don't hear shit, you don't, you probably are like, ah, what's the big deal. You know? So a little bit of information is good.

Information overload is just as bad as complete ignorance because you go crazy the other direction. But if there is a bright side, we find a silver lining in everything. We make a meal at Chopped. The plague led to the Renaissance. Okay. um the the plague led to the renaissance okay so perhaps everyone staying inside will lead to a new art um uh surgeons resurgence and that's why i said we should write some coronavirus uh some quarantine song not like a wash your hands song but just what's life been like for you i don't know why I said

that in an Italian accent, but I did. And that's the way it's gonna go. So you wrote a song. We'll go rock, paper, scissors for two out of three. Who goes first? You motherfucker. I wrote, I didn't write a song. I did like a parody because

I did like a, you know, a I switched up the lyrics of a pre-existing song. That's fine. All right. Do you do says? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. All right. I'm a says guy

but we'll do it your way. I don't even know where you'd say says. Rock, paper, scissors, says, shoot. Oh, that's ridiculous. No, it's not. Why do rock, paper, scissors, say, shoot. Oh, that's ridiculous. No, it's not. Why do rock, paper, scissors, say, shoot? I don't know, but they do. And also, this would just benefit you because I'm going to shoot early. You're used to an extra beat.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. One. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. One. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Two. Oh, I'm so good at it. You want to know why I'm so good at rock, paper, scissors, shoot?

It's because people try and get in your head, and guess what? There's fucking nothing in here. There's nothing. It's empty. You can't get in my head. You can't read me. You don't know what I'm doing. You are.

I was banned from playing poker with my friends when I was in, like, fifth grade because they could never tell when I was bluffed or not. Because I didn't fucking know what I was doing. I was going to say, you can't bluff an idiot. You can't outsmart a moron. I'm next level smart by being so stupid. Now that is something right there. So water all over here for my favorite cup breaking. So, you know, it's actually very funny.

Oh, and this is perfect timing. I just got a text. So two things. I just found that song, Fuck I'm Lonely, by Love. Oh, yeah. Loud, whatever.

Right before quarantine. I love that song. It's my. Loud, whatever. Right Before Quarantine. I love that song. It's my basic white girl song. So I tweaked Fuck, I'm Lonely, and I just got a text from my buddy, The Big Wheeze, which leads into this perfectly. He just said, yo, the collective horny level right now is just off the charts. It's completely outlandish. And it's so true. So I

remixed the first little bit of Fuck, I'm Lonely to be Fuck, I'm Horny. There it is. So let me pull it up. I got a little... It probably won't sound good to you right now, John, but we'll put it in post because I got a little...

You know, I played the beat in the background for myself. Okay. I call you one time, two times, three times We can't fuck no more Your finger's in my butt, that's on my mind It's been more than a minute since I fucked you like a whore But I still think about you all the time I don't know, I don't know. How.

I'm gonna make it. I don't know. I don't know. How. You've got me saying. Fuck. I'm horny. I'm horny.

I'm horny ass. Fuck. Come on me. Come on me. Come on me. It's been me myself and I. Jerking off. Jerking off. I on me. Come on me. It's been me, myself, and I. Jerking off. Jerking off. I fuck. I'm

horny. I'm horny. I'm horny, horny. I believe you. I'm telling the truth. That is an extraordinarily horny song. That is an extraordinarily horny song. That is the horniest song I've heard since put it in my mouth. And that made my dog to rock when I was about 12.

And you just surpassed that. There were like three different times. I was like, what? Well, the first line had the word fingers. And I was like, all right, well, we know where we're going here. Jesus. I don't know if you're fucking, we know where we're going here. Jesus. I don't know if you're fucking a guy or a girl in that song. That's how horny you are.

What do you got for your quarantine song? All right, let's see. Uh, I don't have a beat. So now I feel a little left out of this, but, uh, all right, little left out of this. But, all right. Here we go.

So, John, this is an original. So, I mean, I just grabbed a little something and tweaked it. John went all in on his artistic renaissance here. I did not expect to be this nervous before I started singing. This is your idea. I know. I'm really nervous. I was nervous.

You came up with this idea, and I was like, all right, fuck. I got to do it, too. And I started singing. This is your idea. I know. I'm really nervous. I was nervous. You came up with this idea and I was like, all right, fuck. I got to do it too. And I was nervous. I was thinking he's going to be like, he's going to have this whole production and he's ready to go

and I'm not. And now you're the one who's nervous? Of course I'm nervous. I'm always nervous. I'm nervous all the time. I just power through it. The, uh... Okay.

All right. Sitting in this room for days on end. Celebrities telling me, just imagine. Imagine being bored, chilling on the couch. Man, that would make a younger me, pal. But that's the world now, yeah, that's reality. No pants, no fresh air, Using the sink when you pee. They say hygiene's important.

You gotta keep a routine. So I still spend hundreds on delivery fees. Yeah, that's what a life's like in quarantine. We're doing what we can to fight COVID-19. On with

nothing but movies and pornography My dick is bleeding for some Vaseline Time's a tough friend We're gonna make it in the end A weird thing I noticed just the other day Time turned to exist here in a mighty freaky way Watching Netflix at 4 a.m. There's folks there with

you. Waking for push-ups at 5 where you can find a pal too. But it's not all bad. Yeah, there's a little good. It's just me in my room. This is my new hood. It's an upscale region with big bank accounts. And that's all because

we can't leave our couch. Yeah, that's a lot of less luck in quarantine. We're doing what we can to fight COVID-19. We're on with nothing but movies and pornography. My dick is bleeding for some Vaseline. But time's a tough friend. We're going to make it in the end. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. We got to have, like, Mark Roberge make that into a real song. The quarantine song. I love, I mean, we had, we went back to the chorus. We had a bridge in there. There was a refrain.

Holy moly. Yeah. That was, I mean, you talk about Renaissance. I could hear that, that passion in your voice. Yeah, I go, I go, I go Jackson, Maine with it. That's the only way I know how to sing. I just get a deep voice like this. Quarantine songs are going to

inspire the nation. So everybody send us your quarantine song. It could be an original. It could be a cover. It could be a rap. You could sing it. Whatever you want. Quarantine songs send them over to KFC Radio

on IG, on Twitter. I mean, this could be the new challenge, John. This could spread across the world. I wish I learned how to play the ukulele for it, to be honest. That's not a uke song. That's an act song. That was an electric

guitar. We need a guitar solo in there. Our boy Cal from Time Flies is doing a quarantine song per day, which is nuts. Because they're all – if you're familiar with Time Flies Tuesday, he takes popular songs and remakes them. But it used to be once a week. He's doing one per day now. He did Bathrobe with Shallows. That was so fucking good.

Oh, I didn't see that one. I saw the Chainsmokers one, and I saw My House. I didn't see the other one. Is that from today maybe? Two days ago I think with Shallow, Bathrobe was great. Closer was great too. He's fucking so talented, man. I told him, I'm like, you can't be that good looking and this creative and talented.

You got to trade one back. Like which one? You either got to trade one back. Like which one? You either got to give back some of your looks or give back some of your talent, you asshole. Speaking of assholes, it's Thursday, which means it is another edition of Am I the Asshole? It's brought to you by Roan Apparel. I'm wearing my Roan right now. These are my Roan pants.

Still wearing the same pants. These are perfect for quarantine life, as I said, because you don't have to be like Feidelberg and wake up and put on a pair of fucking slacks. No, I got over that. I got over that. Thank God. That was like, I got to feel normal, but this is a new normal, so I'm good now. You see our boy Trent wearing the khakis? Yes i did i love i mean that i love that you gotta fucking incredible i mean that's trent's different trent's you gotta stay in on brand with trent and he's he can never put on the road he can never feel the comfort he's gotta just go fucking dockers to the fucking percent

he's got i can't believe come on sales like how does he not have a khaki deal right now you gotta have trent branded khakis i promised you they would sell yeah jim harbaugh who the fuck is that guy oh if when i think of khakis it's trent ryan man i think of a pair of khakis that are like like 38 by 32 trim, you know? Get me some fucking branded khakis. But for the rest of us who aren't sociopaths like him, we want to be comfortable as we sit at home. But you also don't want to be like a slob, you know?

You want to feel like you woke up, you put some clothes on. If you do need to pop out and stay socially distant while you're running some errands or doing whatever, you can wear these out. That's what Rowan Apparel is. It's the best hybrid wear for being comfortable, being stylish. You can wear them indoors. You can wear them to work.

You can wear them to the bar. Whatever it is, they are quality everyday pants, sweatshirts, hoodies, everything you need to have that, you know, athleisure type of uh casual friday work vibe so roan apparel that's r-h-o-n-e dot com slash kfc and you get 20 off your first purchase they got the commuter collection right now which obviously the commute is basically from your bed to your workstation and from your workstation to your couch but they are lightweight, and wrinkle-free clothing that you can wear Monday to Fridays, Monday to Mondays, Sundays, doesn't matter anymore.

Roan all week long, all day long, every day. Roan.com slash KFC for 20% off your first order. Still delivering right now. Time for Am I the Asshole? Which is becoming my favorite running series here at KFC Radio. So I will begin. I found one on the Twitter account

which is my favorite follow right now if you want to help them out. It's at A-I-T-A underscore Reddit. This is one of the creepiest I've ever heard. And that's saying a lot. Particularly because of the title, the headline.

Because this guy knew. This guy was like Kanye West dancing around his Taylor Swift shit. Like, you knew, bro. If you have to censor yourself in the headline, you know. God damn it. I'm so tired of coughing. So he titled this. Am I the asshole for appreciating a photo of my friend's girlfriend?

Right off the bat. Okay, so I know the title is misleading, but I felt weird talking about masturbation in the title. Pretty good indication that you're probably going to be on the wrong side of things here. I live in an apartment complex that's mostly students at the nearby university, and it just so happened that most of the people on my floor I live on are guys.

We all get along really well and often hang out for drinks and games, and it's so happened that most of the people on my floor I live on are guys. We all get along really well and often hang out for drinks and games, and it's a great group, which is already weird. It sounds like you're in an apartment, but it's like a dorm almost. A few months ago, a new guy moved in. I'll call him Steve, and we invited him to hang out with us, and it turns out he's a cool guy and he's a natural addition to our group. After we were hanging out for a few weeks, he ended up introducing us to his girlfriend. She's probably one of the best looking people I've ever met in my life. She's

the stereotypical hot girl, great body, super pretty face, long blonde hair. I'm not trying to objectify her, it's just a fact. After meeting her, I friended her on Facebook. I ended up looking through her pictures, and there's one photo of her in a bikini that pretty much shows everything. I'm not proud of it, but I have done the deed to this photo several times. Anyway, my roommate ended up going to my room while I was taking a shower, and the was up and he saw it and he guessed what I had done. Later that day, we were hanging out and Steve was not there and my roommate brought it up. Naturally, everyone wanted to see the picture. So I pulled it up and they all agreed it was a great picture. I'm not sure who, but someone told Steve what transpired and he confronted about me and told me, uh, he confronted about me and told me I was a pervert and that I needed to back the fuck off. This caused

quite a bit of tension in the group. And some think I am the asshole and some think that he is. I felt pretty badly, but honestly, I don't think I'm in the wrong here. The picture was posted to Facebook. It's not like I went through his phone or her phone for nudes. And I wouldn't have shown the photo or even said anything if my roommate hadn't brought it up. Also, I would never make another move on another guy's girlfriend because I respect that they're in a relationship. So basically, am I the asshole for jacking off to a picture of my friend's girlfriend? And he says, edit, edit. Well, I guess I'm the asshole for jacking off to a picture of my friend's girlfriend? And he says, edit, edit. Well, I guess I'm the asshole. I honestly considered publicly posted pictures fair game.

I believe Steve told her because the picture is gone. I guess an apology is in order, and I'll have to cross my fingers it isn't too awkward. Oh. I mean, you have to move, not awkward. You have to apologize. An apology would make it ten times too awkward. I mean, you have to move, not awkward. You have to apologize. Apology would make it ten times more awkward. Just pick up and leave.

Go become a fucking hobo, ride trains across country. You're done with those people. You are the asshole, but I feel like I think you're an asshole for a different reason than everyone else does. Jerking off to a picture of a girl in a bikini. Yes.

That's why you're the asshole. It basically shows everything. If I can't see your asshole, you're showing me nothing. The – can I tell you something? Sure. I started liking the beginning of videos when they just kiss. I mean, you know me. I'm into the beginning of videos when they do the interview. Yeah, but, me. I'm into the beginning of videos when they do the interview.

Yeah, but I'm just like – I always like that. I always like the sex. I like the kissing. I like a good kiss. Since when? You hate kissing. I know. I don't like participating myself, but I like watching.

I like a good kiss. You know what it is? It's because kissing is like the most taboo thing in the game right now. You're like, oh, you're a bad girl. You're kissing. I was like good kiss. You know what it is? It's because kissing is like the most taboo thing in the game right now. You're like, oh, you're a bad girl. You're kissing. I was like, woo, look at that fucking tongue kiss. You guys are little perverts, huh? You like French?

Oh, they're French. Yo, how about the New York City Board of Health putting out those guidelines? And I thought it was fake at first because it said rimming in the fucking instructions is that the medical definition i mean it has to be right i mean i i i guess it was more like they they were that was a real ass like guideline they were like you know if you're a sex worker just post to your like just post it to your uh like your your live cam like it was very much like this is what people are doing. Let's be realistic about it.

Stop licking each other's assholes and stick to your OnlyFans account. No big deal. But the fact that the New York City Board of Health was saying rim jobs and rimming, I was like, good, there's a chance that COVID-19 is from the ass-eating explosion. You think so? Why? Well, think about it. I read that that said like fecal matter and buttholes is like a very problematic spot where this germ is very contagious. I don't have it. Well, who does have it?

I don't know. Who? Old people. So I feel like old people don't eat ass. So we've been like eating ass and being exposed and we're building up immunity and the old people who don't eat ass are getting fucking killed yeah okay i can see that i i thought you were saying that they got it because they don't i was confused yeah okay i could i could get down with that yeah

it's it's i guess it's not because of it i guess it's the opposite like we're surviving because right right because i'm on asshole for years yeah as long as as long as analingus isn't getting blamed for anything i'm on board yeah right as analingus isn't getting blamed for anything, I'm on board. Yeah, right. Pro-analingus. You just got to start early and build up immunity. Yeah. You're jerking off to a girl in a bikini in a bathing suit?

Those things are inspirations. You're like, ooh, I'm horny. I'm going to have porn. Not like, ooh, I'm horny. I'm going to watch porn. Not like, ooh, I'm horny. I'm going to jerk off to a still photo. I mean, that's not even something you really did when you were a kid. Maybe you because you're a little older than me. But I was – yeah, I guess I had the buffering photos.

But I was never – I've never jerked off to a non-nude, non-pornographic picture. I had a Fredericks of Hollywood lingerie brochure. Like a lingerie magazine. I meant like it's not like a

regular, when I said non-pornographic. It's just like a picture that someone's putting out there to be like, look at my vacation. I make this solemn promise to the listeners. If you have a picture on a social media, I've never

masturbated to it. I can say that unequivocally. No doubt. No doubt. I might have seen it and gone, well, hang on a second here. I'm feeling a little rumbling down below. Let's pop open I've seen it and gone, well, hang on a second here. I'm feeling a little rumbling down below. Let's pop open a new tab here.

Not incognito because I'm not a pussy. Let's pop open just a regular new tab and we'll explore these emotions we're feeling a little further. But yesterday, 7.15 p.m., I opened up Pornhub and it was down for maintenance. And I was like, call the fucking Pentagon. DEF CON won. Like we can have all sorts of shit. A lot of industries are falling right now. Porn cannot be won. And I don't know what it was.

It was like 30 seconds. I refreshed and we were all good. The Pornhub like robots were on the case. Whatever Pornhub does to keep their shit running, they should go try to fix covid19 that doesn't fix the problem in like in a minute because porn must be i mean i'm stunned i haven't seen uh you know you know porn hub always releases like the the the the stats and the hits and all that shit i'm sure the the the the web traffic stats right now are through the fucking roof. I mean, they must be ecstatic. Although maybe it's gone down because kids.

True. Yeah. So I'm sure we're making up for them. But there's a lot of users who count on getting home from school early and stuff like that to use it. I would imagine that OnlyFans is popping off right now. Yeah. Yeah, no, I bought an OnlyFans before in my life. I didn't care for it.

But, yeah. People, like, becoming, like, working in it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Like, think about it. Let's say you're like a hot you're a hot chick let's say you're like a hot waitress or a bartender you're out of work now you're all by yourself you know just cut your head off film it make a lot of money yeah this uh this this quarantine is kind of like the glass of wine before anal for OnlyFans. You were always curious, and you kind of wanted to, and it was kind of taboo,

but it kind of turned you on a little bit, and now you just got that little extra push. You're like, you know what? Let's fucking do this. Here are my feet. This little piggy's going to market. Bro, if I was a chick and I was struggling with rent right now or out of work, my feet would be all over the place,

dude. Everywhere, man. Fans only or OnlyFans and FanCentro and all that shit. Popping off right now. I might find a friend who's pregnant and we'll post pictures of my feet and we'll just say they're hers for like... I got feet. My feet look like a pregnant lady's feet. uh we'll post pictures of my feet we'll just say they're hers for like i got feet my feet look like a pregnant because you know what i'm sure the foot fetish

people combined with the pregnant people right fetish forget it for that top dollar for a pregnant foot these feet are walking around for two those hobbit feet of yours. Gross. All right, you're an M.I. the Asshole. Let's go. My M.I. the Asshole is remarkably straightforward. Am I the asshole for pressing charges on my boyfriend after he stole my car and blew it up? Right? And the reason I chose this one is because sometimes you you see these and you're like well the story's going to be a little different no maybe maybe there's something here i don't think

so nope nothing there i drove my boyfriend a couple of friends and myself to a friend's house and we got there i went inside i left my keys in the cup holder we're in the country and i didn't want to lose them um i left my boyfriend on the passenger side he had been drinking but not that bad from what it seemed at the river before we arrived you know what's crazy about these things i gotta do a little side note here sorry we'll get back to that i always think that everyone in the world is like a pretty good writer because we only read good writers right you never read something written by a bad writer because you've got a job as a writer so you're good at it and then sometimes when you read these things you're just like what in the fuck are you even trying to say it is you know i'm not asking

you to be hemingway but like what do you even what does this sentence mean i left my couple i left my boyfriend in the passenger side. Nope. This is straight. There's no fucking punctuation or anything. I left my boyfriend in the passenger side. He had been drinking but not bad and what it seemed at the river before we arrived. What am I going to do with that? Fucking boots and piss. That's actually a great fucking username.

Anyways, he takes off with my car and crashes it and burns completely by work keys and wallet and everything important to me in it. He walked away with a few scratches, and now that I know he's all right, I am demanding 5K or I press charges on top of his DUI. His family is calling me a bitch and materialistic. That's not spelled right at all. But I am in no need for money. I am mad my boyfriend destroyed our lives in one night and didn't care enough to take the car and completely wreck it am i the asshole here on what planet would you be the asshole your drunk boyfriend stole your car and blew it how how could you conceive that's the

problem with am i the asshole sometimes it's just like hey like uh i'm mad at my friend for coming over and shitting on my front step. Am I the asshole here? Dude, I think am I the asshole just exposes the toxicity of relationships. That guy, I hate when people get all buzzwordy,

but gaslighting really is such a great one. That guy's probably been gaslighting her for years and she's always the crazy one and she's always the wrong one. So she's like, maybe I am wrong for doing this. Am I overreacting because a drunk guy stole my car and crashed it and it exploded? I mean, I guess what? He's saying, like, you don't have to sue me.

Like, you don't have to kick me while I'm down. Well, he offered him. She said, give me five grand. I'm like, buy – get me a new car. Replace the car, and then we're all good. I don't – you know. Seems fair. Seems like a very fair thing. get me a new car, replace the car. And then we're all good. I don't, you know, seems fair. Seems like a very fair thing.

And I've looked, I'm off in the asshole. I don't, I don't pretend to be otherwise. I, I fuck up a lot in this case. How do you not just be like, look,

I gotta get you a new car. Yeah. But you knock a drink out of someone's hand. I got you. That's on me. Right. That's my bad. I guess you could make the argument. Hey, you shouldn't have left me with the keys,

but that still means you're the asshole for leaving a bigger asshole with the keys. I love the whole, like, well, we were drinking down by the river. It gives you a picture of where we are in the world and what they're doing. It's like, it's Friday night. What are we doing? We're going to go drink by the river.

We'll drink by the river, and then we'll leave our keys in the cup holder although that is the best dude i there's just something so freeing when you're in a safe enough place to just leave it dude when like in uh uh on the vineyard like i i leave my keys in the ignition yeah right it's just like get the fuck up who gives a shit no one here's taking you want to steal my car guess what this island's like 11 miles you can't go anywhere right i'll get it back yeah that's like uh that's my guy who breaks into my car every night it's like i just leave it unlocked and that was actually the funniest part of your coronavirus video when you locked your car as you got to it because i know that you always leave it unlocked like everyone else probably

thought you hit the wrong button. I'm like, no, he just didn't lock it last night. He locked it this morning. I don't even know how to do this because I'm so used to not locking shit. We're like Lou. Lou leaves his keys here three times a week. What's the deal right now?

Are you by yourself or are they there? Yeah, no, if anyone was here, I'd be gone by now. Yeah, I figured that. So everybody went home? Yeah. Who knows where Gaz is probably fucking... I get the sneaking suspicion Gaz is crushing quarantine life. Yeah, I mean, he doesn't leave his room.

So he's got a bigger space to roam now. Yeah, yeah. I see what you're saying. I'm just thinking he probably is like snowmobiling somewhere with like five or six smokes who are confirmed to not have it. And he's going to populate the earth when the world ends or something. He's checking all their temperatures every day. If you're at 98.7, you're kicked out. It's like the footage of the Chinese people who work at the mall.

You step up and you get the touch. You're in, out, in, out. The whole line. Just like, yep, in, go, yes, yes. Unreal. But I do have a different am I the asshole today. And it's not a question. It's a statement to people.

This happened to me over, I don't know. I was going to say the weekend but who knows what day it is um and uh it was i did the kim kardashian stuff and i was inundated with people being like dude who cares who cares this isn't important this doesn't matter i know you fucking assholes okay it i am well aware that it is not important. I had one person who was like, does this really matter? Absolutely not. Not even a little bit. As the world spins, it doesn't matter one fucking iota.

But it's entertaining for 15 minutes. Dude, if you want to play that game, nothing matters. No, quite literally nothing. Yeah. And you're right. Literally nothing matters. But for 15 minutes, this is like, and you're right. Literally nothing matters, but for 15 minutes, this is what's going to entertain us until the next thing that

entities are 15 minutes. And that's all life is. It's fine. Something to entertain you 15 minute intervals until you die. If you play that game, sports doesn't matter. Entertainment doesn't matter. Uh,

whatever you're fucking reading doesn't matter. Uh, appearance doesn't, nothing matters except for like life and death. If you boil it down. Any story other than like I'm trying to survive doesn't matter. It's all superfluous. Not at all. It's the dumbest thing.

And then when people get you the don't care, like, dude, nobody cares. I've said this before. I want to say it again. I want to be exceptionally clear. Nobody cares means you've said this before. I want to say it again. I want to be exceptionally clear. Nobody cares means you don't care. And it means you're too cowardly to say that you don't care because you don't want to feel left out. Many people care about arguably three of the biggest celebrities in the world in a clandestine feud with spies and edited footage. Okay?

That's a thing many, many people care about. It's Kanye West. It's. Okay. That's a, that's a thing. Many, many people care about. It's Kanye West. It's Kim Kardashian. It's Taylor Swift. That's three of the top 10 celebrities in the world. Right. At least easy.

Easy. Five through the top five. But the, to say like, just if you're going to say nobody, just have the balls to say, I don't care. And that's fine.

You don't have to care, but I hate when people like Romanbert no one cares everyone cares for people care it's not a big deal it doesn't matter i agree it's not life or death i'm not weeping or or hanging on this but by every thread but it's it's interesting and it's what's it's what's getting us to the next remotely interesting that's yuck and yums too too. It's like that person's tweeting you saying nobody cares about Kim Kardashian. Meanwhile, he knows everything about what Portnoy is doing, follows all the Barstool bloggers, knows the latest feuds and storylines with us. It's like you don't care about that. You have your own stupid thing that you care about too much. Yeah. too much yeah or if you genuinely and truly do not care about kim kardashian and uh kanye west

and taylor swift then honestly whatever you do care about i assure you a majority of the world does not doesn't care you're probably yeah the thing that you care about 99 of the people are like what but that's you care about the anything and that's fine too you can like what you like but just don't don't try don't try and tell me that nobody cares about stuff like this i find it so bizarre too that like uh to comment on something you don't care about like if i were if i saw a tweet about like i don't know fucking 18th century literature i wouldn't be like this is too you know i don't care about i just move on. It's like what PFT used to do back in the day with Michael Sam.

Like, I'm not thinking about Michael Sam. I don't care if he's gay. Right. I think about Michael Sam less than you think about Michael Sam. Right. It's crazy. And by the way,

Kim playing the, like, I know nobody cares about this card. That's what started it. It's the nobody cares fallacy where nobody cares. Yes, everyone cares. That's you trying to minimize this because you know you're fucked because a lot of people do

care about this. Nobody cares means that everybody cares. I prefer to talk about something else though. Like how literally means figuratively, nobody cares means this is a massive story but boy do i wish i wasn't talking about it preach brother go on and that's from both kim and people responding because like because they're not interested and that's okay but the they're saying nobody cares because they're like i wish

we could talk about something else like fucking canadian football or i don't know whatever those people have that word is you're talking about that you care about. Yeah. I didn't realize that the Kardashians' new season is dropping this week. I really was not on board with the whole like this is all a Kardashian work. But it is tough when they are debuting like right now. I completely agree with that. I also did not know that.

But how many more people are watching an episode that has nothing to do with it? like right now. I completely agree with that. I also did not know that. But all the... How many more people are watching an episode that has nothing to do with it? Well, I think more recently, their ratings are down. Bad. I bet. It's been 20 years. You had a fucking hell of a run. Good for you.

Yeah, it's time. It's probably time now, yeah. Yes, because of that, which we did not not know that the new episode is dropping there probably is some connection there and and maybe we'll come up later in the season but like if they were dropping with a new episode and it was about this i'd tune in but it's not about this so like yeah but it does just kind of like stir up you know like interest or controversy or whatever but yeah it did that that did make me go like oh shit i don't know but i i just hate the people who say that we're faking it and we're scripting it um but

you know when there's a new premiere it's like maybe we should start doing that shit what would you do i don't know we should just start scripting stuff let's have a falling out me and you i don't think i don't think we'd be good at scripting we wouldn't be and i mean that barstow's all i don't i don't mean just you and i think i think it's like i think this is i don't know i i think it's by the by i will say this. The same people who will say this is all fake and staged are also the people who are like, fuck these no-talent assholes. Well, that can't be the same because then they're actors. Right. Then they're fucking brilliant actors if you think that it's all scripted.

So which one is it? Because if they can pull that off and cry and scream and yell, it's like, well, then they actually are just putting on a fucking play for you. And they're also still the most talented people in the world. So let's get into our voicemails for today. Brought to you by Let Go. I did my cribs the other day and I looked at the number of toys that I have for my kids that absolutely – I mean, I still probably have stuff in the box, in the wrapping, stuff that they've never touched that I could probably sell right now for a pretty penny to some other parent who needs a new toy.

Right now, all the parents should be buying and selling and swapping toys on LetGo because all your stuff that my kids have never played with is probably like a treasure to them. All my kids' stuff that they don't play with, your kids are going to love. So everybody can benefit from LetGo. You can either make some extra cash or find some extra stuff that you need from toys to gadgets to decorations to kitchenware. I mean, whatever you look around your place right now, anything you need, you can find on LetGo. It's the world's fastest growing online marketplace that connects local buyers and sellers to each other.

So right now, everybody is kind, taking care of each other and looking out for one another and let go is the place to do that and make sure you can make some extra cash on the side or get stuff at a discount because you're buying, you know, secondhand vintage stuff from people who don't need it anymore. So download the let go app today and you can begin to live and let go, clear some space, make some money, whatever your need is and let go clear some space make some money whatever your need is let go can help fill it live and let go voicemail number one nick let's rock what's up super producer bc um with all the coronavirus going around and the potential of having to self-quarantine for days or weeks, depending on what your city does.

I was just kind of thinking, if you were forced to quarantine, and I'm not talking like, you know, restaurants are closed, and, you know, I'm talking about serious quarantine. You can't leave your house. Food is brought to you. You have to stay inside, who in the Barstool office would you prefer to be quarantined with?

It can't be anybody from KFC Radio. KFC can't quarantine with fights. It's got to be someone from the rest of Barstool, not KFC, not CCK. Okay. I'll get your answer locked CCK. I have my answer locked and loaded. Trent and Robbie? Trent and Robbie.

Yep. 100%. You can't count. They can't use that. Just for the record, those guys are the best. I just like them as people, but they're also the most respectful. They'd be the most privacy. They'd be the most like you'd get the most privacy.

You'd be like, okay, we're all going to go to like our separate rooms right now. There'd be no drama. We're all on the same page with like what we like and what we would watch. I'd learn a little bit about MMA. I'd learn a little bit about golf. We'd all be watching like Breaking Bad type shows. They'd be perfect. And also great snacks.

Tons of Yoo-Hoo. So take out Robbie and Trent. I think I would get along with Rocket, but both of us are living such, living our best lives in quarantine that I feel like our company would ruin each other's... But you can't use him anyway. He's CCK.

Oh, that's true. That's true. But I did... Him and Blattman were texting, and they both are like living the fucking dream. They said, so how's your quarantine going? I said, so good, man. How about yours? I said, this is literally my dream life.

I haven't seen anyone, and I couldn't be happier. I hate everyone. This is so perfect. This is what's true and makes you look a little bit inside. I don't know what it says about me, but there literally isn't a single person on the planet that I'm missing right now. When you reach that stage, that's a little bit concerning where it's like, aside from my kids, I don't really see any of you motherfuckers. I don't know if I'm a bad friend or what, but, yeah, I'll text you. We'll see each other here and there.

I don't have to see you, though. It is like, too, like I see you. Yeah, right. I don't want to see you. We'll see each other here and there. I don't have to see you, though. No. It is, like, too. Like, I see you. Yeah, right. I don't want to see you. We'll see you at the time. Who would I go with? This one, they probably wouldn't want me.

But Nick and KB, I mean, those guys. I don't know. I couldn't do that. I could watch them. I don't know if I could live with them, though. But they're quiet. But they're also – they're good at being normal, too. They're not weird by, like – they're weird, but it's like they choose to be weird.

Yeah. I could see, like – I could see, like, I walk in there and, like, KB's watching, like, old wrestling fucking tournaments or something and nick is doing like god knows what i just be like i don't know about this guys they definitely wouldn't want yeah you're right they wouldn't want us they'd get the fuck out of here you guys are way too normal for us the uh the i don't i don't know what that is about says about me that like i like humor that is just so i guess it's like like I like humor that is just so incredibly different than anything I could possibly do. Yeah, it's like you like what you're impressed by.

It's like I could never make that funny, and those guys, the way they did that like Cribs was – We were talking about it the other day. There's some comedians where it's just like, oh, those are the kind of jokes that I do, so I don't want to see that. I want to see like James Acaster where he comes out and he's just kneeling down for 10 minutes straight and then turns that into an incredible fucking hilarious joke i want to see like weird shit that i'm like how do you even i want to see i just like i like seeing brains that do

not work the same way as mine when when uh in nick and kb's cribs, when they're like, we got raisins, and then it just cuts. He's holding the cone and it's just dripping down his throat. It's a melting cone. I was. And just the way they're walking up the steps. Come on. What are you, shy? Come on.

It's just so fucking funny, man. For these bro- Cribs. I think entertainment value, I could maybe live in Marty Mush's house because it's a house and you get to go to your bedroom and then you can also watch the Mush family dynamic.

You have to throw Large here, obviously. Yeah, I mean, you live with Large. Large, Willie. Well, no, Willie's off mean, you live with Large. Large, Willie. Anyone with a big old phone. Well, no, Willie's off because he's got a baby. I don't want to. Large is the cook. St. Ann's awesome.

The kids are all grown, so they're not going to bother you. Probably still got all the cool kid shit, though, all the games and everything. That might be the answer. Yeah, I think Large might be the answer. Vibs. I can go with Vibs. I like Vibs. I like Vibs.

Look, I like everybody, obviously. Well, not everybody. I like everybody. What are you talking about? I like a good amount of the people. I do. But, yeah, I think I'm going to go one, Nick and KB. I don't care.

Maybe I end up being miserable. I want to be in that world. I just got to see. I don't care. Maybe I end up being miserable. I guess I want to be in that world. I just got to see. I don't want to participate in it because I can't. It's just I don't have the talent or ability to do it. But I just want to observe it. I want to see what it's like. I want you.

I'm going to be living with large like Billy Madison, dude. I'll be just like floating in the fucking pool and Ann's grocery shopping for us. The only thing is that they're not white trash enough for me. I'd be eating like too good. I'd be eating like filet mignon every day. I'd be like, where's the fucking processed food? Somebody said to me the other day, girl said to me, she was being nice. She's like, yeah, you're a funny guy.

You're good looking. But it's, it's like, it's like someone gave a $50, $50 to an eight year old and told him to go grocery shopping. That's how you eat. Accurate? Accurate? I'll take that. Not me.

Not me. You know what? I'm going to get you the name of exactly what I cooked last night. Actually, I'm going to show you a picture because this is, I mean, this is what we call plating. Oh, yeah, the presentation there. What is that? Mozzarella and tomato? What is that?

Creamy Parmesan chicken spaghetti with some roasted tomatoes in it. And, again, shirtless, glass of wine in hand, dancing the fucking London boy the whole time we're doing that. So, again, I want to be very clear about something. Thriving. Thri something. Thriving. Thriving. Thriving. Next up.

Hey, KFC Fights, Superdude from BC. First time, long time. Just with all this coronavirus pandemic going on, I got to thinking a little hypothetical. In, like, video games, I have the health bar and such. I was wondering if in real life, if you would like to have your own health bar. So obviously, fully healthy, feeling great. You're at 100 HP.

You get sick, get a little flu or something, and you drop down maybe like 90, 85, and then obviously you regain it once you get healthy again. But if you catch something like coronavirus and you're on the verge of death, down to like 15 HP, you start freaking out. Would this be something you would want to have in life, just so you know the advantages of like, oh shit, I need to go get help? Or if it's just like you wouldn't want to have it because you'd be like holy shit like i'm gonna die and you know you're gonna die and such um my first my gut answer was that

knowing would would be like ignorance is bliss i don't want to know but i think if i woke up and i saw – first of all, is this relative? Like is – am I at 100% health meaning like my version of 100% health? Yes. Okay. Because if there is a uniform standard of 100% health, let's say like an Olympian is 100% health, what do you think you would be? What would be your, Oh yeah. I wouldn't want that.

Cause that would just be daunting. We're like, I'd eat healthy for like two months. I'd be like, I'm well on the way. They'd be like, well, you know,

you're at 36%. Yeah. Like maybe like if you could call body to like top level, like ultra marathoner type people, I'm probably like 15. Yeah. That would, that would be,

that would be a very daunting and it would almost, it would, it would, uh, it would disencourage you. Is that a word? Yeah. That would, that would be, that would be a very daunting and it would almost, it would, it would, uh, it would discourage you that word. Yeah. Uh, discourage.

Discourage. Yeah. There you go. It would discourage you, um, from like working. Cause you're like, I'm just so far away.

Right. So it's a hundred percent of your health. I think that would help me if I, if I saw, if I woke up and I was at a hundo pee, I'd be like, alright, I have no excuse. That would encourage you. Yeah, I gotta go crush it.

Disencourage you. That would not disencourage me. Undisencourage me. I would be like, come on. You could go fucking do everything tonight. Work out and do work and all that

shit. But I think that the second I dipped, I would be like, well, I mean, look at my health bar. It's at 65%. I got to go to bed. I got to go lay down. I think I would like it. I'm becoming more aware

Of like health and stuff With Just because of this I've turned into a I use my shirt to open doors in my apartment I'm going to come out of this As a full blown Howard Mandel

I was thinking about him the other day. He must be having a fucking meltdown. I see. I think the opposite. He's like, welcome. Welcome to my life.

Right. You're all here. I've been here. We're coming into his house thinking no one's ever been there before. And that motherfucker's got that place set up.

True. He's living in luxury. He's like, yeah, I've been taking these precautions my whole life. I said that to people if you just had a newborn baby baby i was doing some cameos people were like i need some advice what do i do with a newborn in this pandemic like when you have a newborn you're living you're living corona life anyway you wash your hands all the time you don't take the baby

out you don't let people come over it's actually the best time to be quarantined right now but yeah that makes sense i was thinking that he would just be thinking it's everywhere all the time, but he's always doing that anyway. Right. I would like this because most of my... I usually have anxiety that I'm not healthy, that I have cancer, that I have something.

This would be quelling my anxieties. It would be like, you're good, man. When I wake up in the middle of night and think i'm having a panic having a heart attack it's like nope you're fine i think that would relax me quicker you know so yeah i'm not i'm not like oh i'm always healthy i'm like i'm always sick so this would this would shut up you're fine fine go exactly i like that i also i think that there's a difference between now and if you're like 65 like once you get old and you know that eventually your health

is gonna go down do you want to know when it's gonna happen or do you want to just live life yeah i'll take it yeah so you know all right time to live it up because we're dropping i don't want if it was from right now like with one of those like you know do you want to know when you're gonna die things but once you're going to die things? But once you're at 65 again, I'm like, every day I'd be like, I'm going to die today. Right. So might as well have that go like, no, you're not.

You're good. Right. You wake up and you're at like 30% for no reason. You're like, well, all right, this is it. Last voicemail. Let's go. So guys, so being quarantined, I've been rewatching Game of Thrones, which brought me to the question.

If during this quarantine period, you could completely forget one universe, so whether it be like Game of Thrones or Marvel or Harry Potter or whatever it is, you get to completely erase it from your memory and start all over and rediscover it. What would you guys think? Thanks, Eva. It's a great question, one that I've thought about many times, but it's definitely hitting hard right now. I'm struggling to find a show right now, and I know I said that I was just going to go do New Girl or 30 Rock or whatever. I'm just having trouble, like, bringing myself to do that.

I don't know why. It takes three button clicks. What? Three buttons. Yeah, I got to just, like – none of those are really like piquing my interest, even though I know that they're like so well-reviewed and revered. I don't know why. Yeah, my girlfriend's been asking me.

I told her she's a big New Girl fan, and she's like, how's Kevin like New Girl? I was like, he hasn't even started yet. I know he's not watching. Right, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do know he's not watching. Right. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to fucking – I'm going to do it. Because the last couple nights, I like – I didn't watch anything.

I was browsing. I'm on my phone. I played like one episode of something I didn't really want to watch. And all of a sudden, it's like time to go to bed. I was like, fuck. I just wasted a night. So, all right. New Girl it is.

How many seasons though? Six. I think the sixth is shorter. And are they like 20? Probably something like that. Oh, my God. That's so many. It's 20-minute episodes.

You got to do it. Yeah, yeah. And it is. I'm going to do it. But if I could – If I was in Game of Thrones, I'll tell you that right now. I would erase Game of Thrones from my memory just so I fucking never know i wouldn't watch it again but rewatch that can you hear him in his room sometimes with like i mean what are you doing you know how this ends

you know it stinks but if you were to truly erase it you wouldn't know that and you would get like see i think i would do lost even though same situation i know how bad it ended but when it was good it was the best for me and right now if i had something as deep and as like i watch it and then I can go online and I can read and I could discuss and all that shit. If that if that if all of that still existed, like if it got erased from everybody's mind and we could redo it right now and have the same sort of like fanfare, I would do that. If it was just me, I wouldn't do that, obviously, because I know it ends poorly. But the show that gives me the most material and the most entertainment, because it goes beyond just watching. I now get to discuss it and theorize and hypothesize and all that shit. I think I would do well.

That's fair. I, you know, I mean, it's such a cliche or not even a cliche, but it's just such an expected answer. They can give people what they want. I think it's going to be Sonny.

Sonny? Yeah. Like, Sonny, the – Sonny would be, like, my comedy. And then Lost would be, like, my drama. And I thought you were going to go Breaking Bad there, too. Like, that would be one, too. Like, I mean, you can't go wrong with that fastball, man, you know?

Breaking Bad, I've done the – Breaking Bad. Almost. I don't need to forget. Like it's weirdly, usually dramas. I don't rewatch, but I've rewatched Breaking Bad a few times and it like, it still works. Right. You know,

I know what's coming and it's still fine. That that's rare in a drama. Yeah. I don't. So I wouldn't even, I can rewatch that again and be just as encapsulated. I think you can make that argument for sunny i don't need to read like i i still laugh at sunny you could argue i laugh more now

right because you're like picking up on things and like you know a little bit more about the people and stuff you just watch frank's face all episode right zone in on certain things for a whole for a whole episode so i i think it's almost a waste to use it on a comedy. Yeah, you're right. So I think the best thing that you get to relive are twists and turns and reveals and stuff like that.

Prison Break? Prison Break, to me, I never even... Season one was that shit, but I didn't think the later seasons were that good. You know the reason I hated Rapator the moment I met him was because he came on the show. That's when I started to hate it. Yeah. I've always hated Michael Raptor.

Yeah, you were on that one. Maybe – What is there? I'm sure season one and four of Dexter was awesome. Dexter was a good one. You know what the crazy thing is, though? That we're sitting here doing this with, like, and we have two in the chamber that people would probably be people's first answer.

Like Sopranos or The Wire. I know. I know. We could do it. It's done. My brain is wiped. I could steal some first line of it. I might do The Wire.

I think I'm going to do The Wire. No, thank you. I'm going to do it. I'm going to lock it in right now. Why? All right. I can do the wire. I think I'm going to do the wire. No, thank you. I'm going to do it. I'm going to lock it in right now. Wire. All right. I can do the wire. All right.

That's it for voicemails. Let's get into our interview, our first quarantine interview with Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan. We've had them on the show before. They're fucking great guys, so we're going to chop it up with them. It's brought to you by Caliper CBD. Now, we've done a lot. There's a lot of CBD out there, but none quite like Caliper because the difference with Caliper is it's a powder that you dissolve into water, which is the best way to get the CBD into your system. A lot of the oils and the different gimmicky lotions and all that stuff, your body naturally rejects those.

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caliper.com slash KFC. One more time. That's tricaliper, C-A-L-I-P-E-R dot com slash KFC. Steve and Kev, what's up? I'm using crap I've never used before. Well, welcome to the 2020, bro. I mean, thank you. Welcome to the age of the coronavirus, I guess. How are you holding up, man? Doing all right.

We're editing our show remotely from home now. Where is home for you? LA. What's the scene out there? New York, we're fucked. We're dead. I think it's weird because in New York, I lived in New York for 12 years and I think

you're used to being on top of each other. You're used to being close to each other. In LA, it's weird because like in New York, I lived in New York for 12 years and I think you're used to be on top of each other. You're used to being close to each other in LA. It's all about isolation anyway. Right. You drive alone in your car places. You live in a house alone. And so it's easy to isolate for us.

You know, so that's, you know, I don't think it's anything weird out here. You've just been doing it for years. Yeah. That's what they do here. They don't,

they don't walk anywhere. They don't, you know, same thing. We've been been doing it for years. Yeah, that's what they do here. They don't walk anywhere. It's the same thing. We've been avoiding people for years now. I'm not going out much. I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to touch you. We're good. But did you have all the equipment at your house and stuff and you just moved to the house or what are you guys doing? This looks fancier than it is. This is just like

a mic you can buy. Otherwise, it's just a computer. Yeah, no, same thing. I got mics. They sent us this thing. This network sent us this thing. I don't know if you guys know what it is, it's just a computer. Yeah, no, same thing. I got mics. They sent us this thing. This network sent us this thing. I don't know if you guys know what it is. It's a ring light. Yeah! Yeah, this makes you not ugly. Should I put it on? Shit.

I mean, you know, I need all the help I can get. Actually, I feel like this thing is too bright. I keep looking at myself like, oh, dude. I don't know, man, I'm turning it off. Fuck it. I started my isolation. Like I,

I, I opted into doing it a little before everyone else. I stopped going to work when they were handing all this stuff out. So I have microphones. I don't have any ring lights. In fact, the only light on me right now is some Tacoma FD. So you don't have that nice big microphone.

That's, you know, I got nothing. Yeah. You really don't have that nice big microphone that's, you know? I got nothing. Yeah, you really don't need any of this shit, to be honest. You just need a fucking computer. You probably don't. You probably don't. Oh my god. Gee, I didn't realize I was going to have to, like... Complain about it.

Complain about it. I didn't realize I was going to have to go through, like, a massive installation and downloading process. That's exactly what I said. What's with this internet download? You know how it works? This is what happens.

I'm sitting here in my home. I get a phone call from the publicist. The publicist calls me and is like, I'd like to connect you now. And I'm like, put him through. Okay? Yeah, here. Colleen, that's a good idea. I'm going to come sit over here. They say, put them through. I didn't realize first of all, what the hell is going on here? Then they say, put them through. And I'm like, fine. Now I go

on this thing. I'm like, where's the call? And I'm like, oh, here's the phone number for the contact person, her name. And then I see below, it says, oh, if you'd like to join this thing, click on this website. I'm like, fine. I click on it. It says your Safari isn't open. And I'm like, bullshit. My Safari is open right here. I'm looking at my Safari.

So then I'm like, all right, I'll just copy the link and I'll paste it into my browser. No, you need Google Chrome. Google Chrome. Yeah, I'll just tell it. They're like, you need Google Chrome. I'm like Yeah, I was telling them. They're like, you need Google Chrome. I'm like, oh, okay.

So then I go to download Google Chrome, and I follow the thing. Like, whatever. Then I drag to my application. I'm, like, trying to find a thing. It's sitting someplace else on my desktop. I finally get it in. And now I got to sign up for Google Chrome. I'm like, you've got to be fucking, fucking with me right here.

Finally, I get the thing. Then I get in, and it's like, you've got to be fucking, fucking with me right here. Finally, I get the thing. Then I get in and it's like, would you like to use your microphone? Are we allowed to use your audio? Are we allowed to use the video? Can we have access to your location? I'm like, fuck you fucking Google Chrome, god damn it.

Anyway. But now you've got it, man. Now you've got it. You've got StreamYard or whatever it is. This is awesome. This is the one time I'm going to use Google Chrome, and it's going to be great. Well, we were laughing, but I went through all the same thing. We've been doing this for two weeks now, and I went through the entire same process the first time I did it. So I'm like, how did I get it as if I'm like a two-week seasoned vet here?

Okay, okay. Hey, listen, listen. I wanted to apologize to you guys. Not really, but I know that the last time when we saw each other in New York, I made fun of you guys for being redheads and you said I was being really mean. I just want you to know it stayed with me.

That's why I got the hat on. I couldn't take it. It stayed with us too. I've been thinking about that every fucking night. I lose sleep. I know. I know. I just want to tell you, I'm not sorry, and I don't feel bad, but I've thought about it. You guys are our first interview since the world has gone to hell.

Oh, really? Because we're the only ones who can figure out Google Chrome. No, but you're like the first interview like on the whole network really so uh we're trying to get back to normal a little bit here um but i don't know man shit is crazy but uh kevin was just explaining steve how you guys have been like isolating yourselves out in la for for years now you stay alone in your house you drive alone in your car so uh not much different that's different man yeah i'll tell you

what the ellen i actually prefer these interviews in our shitty little apartments though or shitty little studios because now i'm seeing kevin and steve's setups and i'm still in like i don't have a light behind me that light's just out and it makes me feel it's worse than the redhead comment i feel i'm like i'm a piece of shit. Yeah, you guys have bookcases and fancy shit. This is just like... You guys are in an office, aren't you? Oh, shit! Look at this

fucking guy. That's the Lemmy bar. That's awesome. That's in the office, the other bar? It's his living room. His living room. That's fantastic. Wow. the other bar? It's his living room. His living room. That's fantastic. Wow.

I don't hear him anymore. Lemmy, you went out. Yeah, I think we lost Steve's audio. I don't hear your microphone. Fucking Google Chrome. I'm yelling as if he can hear me. Buddy! Buddy!

No, this is the age of it. No, that's Lemmy's living room. You know, you guys, you guys must be doing quite well for yourselves. Let's get in that season too. What, what, what you put a seat, you put an addition on for season two. Yeah. Right. This is the thing in LA we have houses, right? You guys have apartments. We have houses here. Yeah. But you put an addition on a house once you get that season two check. True. Lemmy, we still can't hear you. You motherfucker, Lemmy. I still can't hear you.

Just a real pain in the fucking ass. You turned your microphone off or something, man. Did you guys... How about now? There he is. He's back. Now he's gone. Now he's gone. Now you're gone. What are you doing?

Keep the headphones on. When you unplug your headphones, it automatically mutes you. Ah, okay. For some reason, because Google Chrome. It's like, oh, you put your headphones out? I'll mute you. That's why I'm keeping mine in. So season two is premiering as this comes out.

So Panisi and McConkie are back at it. Yeah. So season two is premiering as this comes out. So Putney C and McConkie are back at it. Yeah. I feel like you guys are just going to do this forever probably. I hope it's like season 15 and you guys can just dick around for the rest of your lives. We could. We keep getting all these stories from firefighters. Every firefighter has got a gazillion stories.

So we could do this for years. I have a question for you then if some of these are based in reality in season one there's a call for a guy who's got his dick stuck in a toaster yeah real or fake real real they um the firefighters say especially on full moons like they say the thing they do the most is get people unstuck from things like an arm and a vending machine or a head and a fence or a dick in a toaster yeah or a dick in a toaster they say they pull guys dicks out of everything they said dudes will fuck anything they have old dudes dicks out of things and then the other thing is pulling things out of people. Yeah, I can see that too. See, if I'm putting anything in me or I'm putting my dick in anything and it gets stuck, that's it. I'm never calling anybody.

Well, that's the issue. That's what they say. Most people will go to the ER when that happens because they're embarrassed to go to the ER, so they call the fire department. That's what happens. I don't think I can make that call either. Someone walks into your house and has to pull the toaster off of your... By the way, why are firemen like... I don't know how to get your

dick out of a toaster. They don't teach me how to get firemen school. That's what they tell us. They get there like, I don't know, and they just yank it out. That's what they do. It's like hit it with a hammer. I don't know, man. This is the thing. This is why firefighters firefighters this is not a joke uh firefighters have told us routinely now since season one that our show is the most accurate depiction of firefighter life uh and it's because like the hour-long dramas

don't deal with the dick stuff yeah and that's what these guys, you know, people think firefighters just put out fires and save people from, from like, you know, cars and like, you know, car crashes, but firefighters will tell you they spend a lot of time pulling dudes dicks out of things too. And it's the thing that, that nobody knows about. It's the dark underbelly of being a first responder is getting dudes dicks out of things. Has Steve Lemme almost ever had to call the police over it or call the fire department oh god let me think about that let me think about that uh no one time in in high school i did uh i i pinched some uh

dick skin in the zipper uh like like uh like uh something about Mary's style where it got ingrained in it? That's a little bit scarier. That was a little more intense. Mine was just like right at the tip. I'd been going pee. I had peeing outside.

Then I went to zip up and I caught the... What about you, Kev? I don't think I have, but I remember I was with a guy. We were a bunch of guys. We were partying. It was like spring break or something like that, and we were in a hotel room,

and there was one of those hot plates in the hotel room, and a guy was like, what would you think would happen if I just whacked my dick on the hot plate? And so he turned it up to high, and we were like, ah, nothing will probably happen, and he whacked my dick on the hot plate. He turned it up to high and we were like, nothing will probably happen. He whacked his dick on the hot plate and for one second you heard a and he fucking jumped to the roof.

You realize that your dick is tender. You throw a piece of tender meat on the grill, it's going to fry real fast. I was going to say, if you don't have it lubricated, if you don't have olive oil or pan, it just sticks to it. Yeah. It gets stuck like a tongue on a pole.

Yeah. Oh, man. My wife in high school, she had a group of friends, and they started doing jackass-style videos. Her girl did it? Well, no, her guy friends started doing jackass-style videos. The girl? Well, no, her guy friends. Okay. Jackass style videos. And then one of them, they tied his balls with one end of like a rope or string around his balls and the other end to the back of an ATV.

Oh, my God. And they wanted, you know, the whole thing was that they were going to drag him with the ATV was going to drag him. And instead, it just ripped his balls off. Oh my god! It's life-changing. Hey, that's a good episode for Tacoma FD, by the way. Yeah, write it down.

No way! I mean, yeah, no, that makes sense. I would think I would predict that before I would predict that my whole body would get dragged by my balls. I'm pretty sure I would have ripped it right off. Well, I agree balls. I'm pretty sure I would rip it right off. Well, I agree, but I just figured the story would have been like the knot wasn't tied right or something. Right, right.

It worked exactly how it was supposed to. Everything went the right way. Well, and the crazy thing was, hey, honey, I'm telling this story about your friend. Hey, honey. Yeah. Oh, wow. They were doing it. Like, they were actually pretty popular, these guys. And they were in they were doing it like they're actually pretty popular these guys and uh and they were in a theater doing it like in a in uh and not just like a high school

auditorium like you know your 2 000 seat theater in miami where they're from and this happened on stage in front of 2 000 people no was it just like a gruesome scene? It's actually We have it on DVD Why are we not posting that? Why are we not putting that up? To do that you have to go through two weeks Of pre-clearance with Google Chrome

I had a friend of a friend who once he uh he blew off two fingers uh with a firework yeah he passed out from the pain right away and then when he went to the hospital he got like tied down to the bed so he couldn't like move his hand and scratch his hand while he was unconscious and stuff and uh for the surgery, for the missing two fingers, they did a skin graft from his inner thigh. And so when he woke up, what hurt the most was his inner thigh area. And his dad was there. He's like, he didn't know what happened.

The kid passed out from the pain right away. He's like, Dad, Dad, what happened? Like, why is my dick hurt? And his dad tells him that he blew his dick off with the fireworks. Oh, man. And he just leaves the room. Oh, Jesus. That's nasty. And that guy was JPP. So,

what's the vibe out by you guys, like, as far as, I mean, here it's been so crazy with coronavirus stuff and and it's just like the end of the world out there are you guys like i mean i know you're kind of joking around that you're just doing the isolation thing anyway is it like hysteria are people like you know grocery stores and hardware stores and all that kind of shit or is it really business as usual there's a little bit of that. There is this weird vibe,

this weird apocalyptic vibe going on because there's nobody really out there on the streets and stuff. There was a little bit of hysteria in the stores, but I don't think it's the same as it was in New York or even on the East Coast right now because people are a little bit more spread out here. I'll feel that way early in the day

where it's kind of weird and then you'll go out like i'll go out for a bike ride with my kids and everyone's out they're jogging and walking around or whatever it is so it's the same thing here i i've i've been like self-quarantined for about two weeks now and i've gone out a handful of times and when i go out if i just like woken up from a coma where i blew my dick off i wouldn't know that anything was different it's it's not jarringly different outside there there are less people if you really know pay attention but it's not a shock to go outside but here in la like on any given like on a sunday you can be

you know like in culver city and there's not a single person on the sidewalk like this is a car culture whereas in new york city i mean, I'm seeing images of the subways still packed and farmer's markets in Brooklyn are still packed. And I'm like, what is wrong with you fucking people? What part of this do you not understand? It's staggeringly. I mean, I've always said never underestimate the stupidity of the world, but you're really seeing it on display here. People are fucking idiots, man. You know what? I think the problem is we haven't

gotten an Imagine video from you guys yet. Yeah. Do you know how much we need? I think we need to call an FD, fire department. To really, maybe a We Are The World or something like that. A groping lizard We Are The

World would really inspire New York City to prevail. All right. We'll do it. We'll get on it. By the way, by the way, have you guys, you know, do you guys get the things where your friends send you a link? And then, you know, where the testings are available and you click on the link and it's the big dude with the giant dick. The huge dick. I've seen the dick.

I haven't gotten anyone who was kind enough to send it to me in that fashion. I keep getting those. I've been getting those and videos of women washing their hands in their underwear. That's the other thing that I've been getting. I'm just saying

your big hanging microphone reminds me of that guy. I've gotten that. You know, Vice tracked that guy down. You know what his name is? Wood. Wood. And he's fucking dead. Really? He died in 2011.

So rest in peace, man. You're bringing lots of joy to the world 10 years later. Now, I thought I heard that his family now was trying to figure out how to get compensation. I'm sure. Royalty's left and right. That guy's got the most famous dick in the world right now. I want to cash in, too. I think that dude might have approached lifelong Hall of Fame status.

He went through a phase where he was the thing you said to your friends you'd open you'd be like oh my god then you'd be like geez wow okay whatever then he went through the next phase where it was like he was the link you know like during like out here during the wildfires like hey there's fires in your area and you click on it and it says and you're like oh geez then there's the phase where you start to get savvy to it and you get the link and you'd be like what is this amateur hour i'm not opening this thing you know what are you crazy and now it's at the stage where people are like send me all of it i want to see all of it on one of these things i don't think that like when we tell our grandkids about this we'll be laughing about the fact we'll be like

yeah that coronavirus that was some heavy duty shit. And do you know what the best part was? There was this, everybody was just sending pictures of this dude with this huge dick around for each other. And then we'll start sending them again, like 40 years from now, we're going to keep sending this dude's dick around.

He's, I think he's, I think he's, he's permanent. I think he's engraved in history. He's achieved something where it's like, it's, it's really, it's unheard of because you know, the penis is a sexual organ. His dick isn't like a sexual thing.

Like I don't even think of that dick as like a, that's not a dick that could even be used to procreate. That's just, that's just a regular thing. It's like one of the wonders of the world. Yeah. Now you would, you would drop that on a country if you were to end a war. You know when you see like the 18-wheeler like bringing all the piping? Yeah. Like that dude would try and fuck one of those pipes and they'd have to call the fire department.

For real. For the pipe. They would call it to help the pipe out. Have you seen the one where he's photoshopped to have a pussy? That was a nice curveball. Dude, that is so disturbing. I haven't seen that one. That one, that's like when you're drinking milk and you think you're getting orange juice.

Your brain just like – Have you seen that pussy? It is – that's a weird one. Yeah. What a legend. Some of them are so good. I like – my favorite one is the Say Anything one. Have you seen the Say Anything one? No.

Oh, it's John Cusack holding him up in the air. I've got a million of them. I think I've got them all. Some friends and I started making some of them. We're trying to see if we can get them circulated. We made one with him sitting at the Lincoln Memorial

where he's up on there in Washington, D.C. That one is awesome. Oh, you've seen it. Okay, well, then it's making the rounds. Fantastic. That, I mean, would you want to

be that guy? Yeah. No. Dead? Dead? Oh, dead? No. Would you want to have a dick like that?

If you did have a dick like that, would you want it to be everywhere? Would you want to be known as that guy? I don't think I want any part of any of that. No. Sitting here with my tiny white dick, I'm good. My dick's fine. The thing that I'm thinking about is that people come

to us all the time, or even today in our interviews, they're saying, thank you, we need laughter right now. I mean, his dick is the equivalent of laughter. It's providing a lot of relief for people in a trying time. I mean, if he only knew. The normalcy of just showing this 13-inch

dick in my face, just bringing some normalcy back to the people. Well, like, let's just say for a minute that he was alive and he was going to jump off a bridge and he was visited by an angel who then did the It's a Wonderful Life for him. Like, the amount of joy that guys have been feeling for the last two weeks, I mean, he's really gotten us through this. Right now, we'd all just be staring.

Without him, we'd be like this. We wouldn't have anything to talk about here. Right now. The new thing we're doing, obviously the whole world is doing, with the Skype interviews, is nice because I don't think we have any publicists here because I feel like they'd come storming

into the room the moment we started talking about Big Black. We're going to get some unfiltered interviews if we keep doing this with just morons in their bars and their living rooms. You guys are going to start to say all sorts of dumb shit. I can't wait. Everyone's comfortable in their living rooms.

It's so great. You don't have pants on, do you, Kev? I don't. I got nothing. He never has pants on. Let me show you something. Here's my office bathroom back here. I don't. I got nothing. But he never has pain. He never has pain. Let me show you something. I want to show you something. So here's my office bathroom back here. Here's the best part.

Here's the best part right here. It's the red light. The red light. The red light and the hotel phone by the toilet are the two definitions of class when I was growing up. If you had a red light in the bathroom or you had a phone by the toilet, you were the richest person I've ever seen in my life. What does that mean? You're shitting? The red light means you're shitting? Yeah.

I mean, stay away. In the bathroom. Oh. Dial you got to turn it on with. Dude, my light doesn't even work. Fancy. Fancy red light. I don't have a red light, Jesus I got a red light, I guess

There's my bidet Oh We got a toilet paper shortage out here I know Bidets are the rage now, man I got one in my toilet, too I got like Three or four rolls

left, and then that's it. That's T-shirt time. T-shirt time? That's why I heard that. It was probably a fake thing, but I heard one state was getting their plumbing was starting to get backed up because people were shredding T-shirts.

I've been tipping the delivery guy with rolls of toilet paper. Listen, I need fucking gold man i can't believe you guys are bidet guys i've never used the bidet not once in my life it scares me it was uh it was a part of the show we did an episode where the firefighters start to use a bidet and uh the light yeah one of the um one of the writers in our writers room told us how great it was and then lemmy tried it and he was blown away and then we were talking to the president of the network and he said he was a big bidet guy and then he bought us all bidets no really yeah yeah i had a i you can actually go on my instagram page and see my wife took a video right here of the first time I was using the bidet.

And it should be the commercial for the bidet because I was giggling and it felt so good. And now I'm going to tell you, I'm a bidet ninja. Like there's nothing I can't do on a bidet. Like I know I've created techniques on the bidet. So wait, you, you, you wipe like usual and then you move over or you day first. It attaches into the toilet.

So you don't have to wipe at all. So you blast it all away with water. Well, what you do is you start soft. Yeah. You first take a squirt and you'll see, you'll see it, you know, like a, like the, the, the stuff that's on your hiney, you'll see it, you know, like the stuff that's on your hiney.

You'll see it like poop I'm talking about. Then, you know, you get it all around because there might be some splatter. So then, you know, you got the whole thing. And then, you know, frankly, what you do, look, let's say you're baking a cake. OK, and you put some frost, you get the tube and you put you're baking a cake. Okay. And you put some frost, you get the tube and you put some frosting on the cake. If you clean the nozzle, like you guys do, if you clean the nozzle, that's great.

You got the outside of the nozzle, but there's still frosting inside the nozzle there. That's what you guys have. Okay. You get up there and you find your spot. And by the way, that's a game in and of itself. Because your spot's not in the same place every day. You think it might be, but it's not.

It's not. Because when you sleep, it changes shape depending on where your weight distribution is. Oh my God. So you find it. What you just said, I'm going to believe that as 100% fact. It is. I don't know if you're serious or not, but from now,

every time I go to bed, my asshole changes shape. I'm telling you, I'm telling you it's the truth. And you'll know that. So then I'm on the bidet and then you find your spot. Once you get the spot, then you can,

then you can get in there. And, and I'm not kidding. You'll flush out like all, when you guys are sitting there with your with with your itchy butt in the studio you're like got my asshole itches a lot today i don't have that problem because that's good stuff that's coming out right now that's that's this next stuff that's coming out and you can give yourself a colonic every day i give myself

a colonic and i come out with a uh like asshole is a diamond. It's a Tiffany diamond. As I'm looking at Kevin's face, I don't think he's using the bidet in the same fashion. I am not. I mean, has us to become an aficionado of the bidet. I use it periodically. Here's my knock on it is that it basically just redistributes

the toilet flush water up into your ass and it's not it's cold water. I don't like cold water getting squirted up into my asshole. Yeah. Do you know that, yeah, it can be cold. You can get more expensive bidets that heat the water for you. But like, to me, it's like, it's such a refreshment. Like there are times, I'm telling you, like,

it's not even a one-to-one ratio for me poop to bidet i've actually probably been on the i mean i know i've been on the bidet more than i've pooped like there are times like in the afternoon we work i'm like i'm feeling sluggish like most people go for a cup of coffee i go for the bidet and it picks me up so i come out i'm like all right here we go i going to fuck the rest of this day doggy style. That's how good I feel. You know how good I am at the bidet? You what?

I'm so good at the bidet. Like, okay, so like when you first spray the stuff, sometimes you'll actually see a couple of flecks of matter on the sides of the bowl. I'm so good at it now that what I do is I'll actually turn on the bidet, and I'll deflect water off my butt at the specs. I can clean the bowl with water reflecting off my butt. That is one of the more impressive things I've ever heard. I can't do that. You started off saying I'm a bidet ninja, and you delivered, because that is some ninja-type shit right there.

You throw water bounce passes at Flex. That's amazing. I do. Like the and one mixtape tour of assholes. You're just out here playing street ball. That's me on the toilet right there. Well, I explained how you guys were the first interview we're doing in the new

world. And you guys did not disappoint at all. It's working out. Right. Worked out. Right. Right. You guys are actually,

you're kind of crushing it, I imagine, with the quarantine. Everyone's in, if you're going to debut a show, we were saying that earlier on the episode, we're like, if you're going to, if you got a new streaming show or, you know, a documentary or anything, now's the time to put it out. This is like, you don't have anything, you don't have an option.

You have to watch the Coma. People just need to find true TV. You know, like when March Madness got canceled, you were like, oh crap, I don'ta. People just need to find true TV. When March Madness got canceled, people were like, oh, crap. I don't know if people are going to find true TV now. Now they have to go find it. By the way, how did you guys get to be able to say fucking stuff on the show? They just say

you could say there's an explicit version. If you watch it online, you can say fuck, but for the broadcast stuff, they have to beep it. I watched it on demand. There'll be a beep on the TV. The beep's sometimes just as good, though. A well-placed beep can be just as funny, you know?

We actually need a mouth, though. It has to be like a cowardly thing. And now it's like, I love a good beep. Yeah, now it gets a good laugh. It gets a good laugh. So season two's out now. Tacoma FD with Panisi and McConkie You guys are always a pleasure man

Thanks so much for doing this Under these circumstances And thanks for teaching me all about your asshole Steve Let me just say something Can I say one more thing I was making fun of your mic Now let me just come back I just want one more redhead thing

Right so you just took off your hat. Now put it back on. Have you ever seen Pretty in Pink? Yes. I don't think I have. Oh, it's Molly Ringwald. She's a redhead and she wears pink and supposedly she looks beautiful and that color combination is supposedly

beautiful. I just want to say red hair and pink is not a beautiful combination. It brings out my eyes quite nicely. You're right. Black would do that too. Black would do that too. Anyway, that's all. We appreciate it, fellas.

Thanks so much as always. Best of luck. How do we get out of here? Just fucking throw it. Thanks, boys. How do we get out of here? Just fucking throw it. Somebody call Chrome. Thank you. See you. All right, boys.

Turn around. Look at what you see. In her face. The mirror of your dream. Make believe I'm everywhere Give it in the light Written on the pages is The answer to a never ending story Reach the stars, fly a fantasy, dream a dream, and what you see will be. Climbing in their sacred sphere A boat behind the clouds

And there upon a rainbow Is the answer to a never-ending story Story Soaring high