KFC Radio - Quickie: 9 Lives

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

If you had 9 lives (or nine deaths) what would you do with them? KFC and Feits respond to listener feedback about what they'd do.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's a Friday edition KFC Radio Quickie. Before you head off, hopefully, to a week of vacation, or at least a slow week at the office for the 4th of July. It's about to be big time mail time. But it's been a while. So we're going to mail it in right now. We're going to rehash a question we already did.

Well, it's not mailing it in. Kevin, give us more credit than that, please. We are professionals here. It's not quite mailing it in. It was brought to our attention that if you have nine lives, you don't have to end eight of them immediately. Correct. We got a lot of feedback after the last episode, which we always encourage.

Tweet at us at KFC Radio or at our individual handles. We love the conversation afterwards. And a lot of people hit me with different answers for the question, what would you do if you had nine lives, that were much more focused on the life part than the death part. We basically answered, what would you do if you had nine deaths? Which is very telling. This is like a Rorschach test where it's like, what do you see? How do you react? You have nine lives. What do you do?

Kill myself nine times in a row. So we got a few tweets of people being like, these are cool things I would do with the extra lives. Of all the concerning things we've done and said over the last six years that's that's the well you know why because it was like i had zero awareness like i that didn't even enter my brain not for a second i wasn't like single seconds i thinking i would string nine lives together and build up all this scientific knowledge and cure cancer i was like i'd swan dive off a building. I said I would go to Times Square and stab myself in the brain. I'd play Russian roulette six times straight. We got some cool tweets, though.

This guy was like, I would try to live a life of crime. I think that's a pretty cool way to try to live, to be like, I'm going to be a lifelong criminal. What kind of criminal would you be? Well, another girl, Toasted Balls, she's been around for a long time. She said I'd be a lifelong criminal would you be well another girl uh uh toasted balls she's been around for a long time she said i'd be a professional bank robber i think that would be cool to like try to game like figure out the system like i can rob any bank because i've dedicated my entire life to this because i got eight more left after this i think i think robbing

a bank is the only kind of criminal i could be because more or less a victimless crime i don't want to hurt you don't want to murder people yeah i don't want to murder people. Yeah, I don't want to hurt people. But I could... You go in there, it's FCIC insured, right? Is that what it is? Yeah, you're not actually taking any money from the people. First line they all yell,

it is not your money. Yep. Do not be a hero. We are not here for you. We are here for money. Don't make me hurt you. And even then, I'd probably carry like a...

A fake pistol or something. Yeah, yeah. This one guy a like a this one guy was like this one guy was like i would just go be uh i mean this is not exactly the uh it's not exactly aiming high but he said he would be a hardcore nerd working at game stop doing nothing but playing video games that is i mean you can do that with one life yeah i was like you know a lot of people do that but i guess it's just like uh you know i'm gonna just be totally lazy for one of my lives because it's like one big nap nap your whole life because you got you got some yeah guess what i'm doing that with one life sitting right here living that life now the main the main question envy me the main question mvp the main reply i thought was interesting is this guy Rob says, I would be so nervous to die that first time in case this was all a prank.

If we fucking rubbed a magic lamp and a genie came out, I'd be like, this is some magical shit right now. But when the rubber hits the road and you really stab yourself in the temple in the temple in the middle of time square what if that genie was like not joking yeah not really a genie i'd probably i'd run a test on it i would live my first life to its fucking expiration just wait till you're like cancer merciful expiration yeah and and then when i respawned back into my hospital bed i'd out the window well and that's it right away let's get this suicide down

that's the thing is that you we have to decide whether you just like respawn in the exact same spot because the idea that you could like live if this is really nine lives and you live a life and then you get to live a second one where you start over or something that's very different than you just drop back into the world at the same spot you were after you died. But there's the hopeful way of looking at it. We were just like, yeah, you just kill yourself and you go back to the same spot. And then you kill yourself again and again and again.

These people are like, I would live a life where I learned all of the musical instruments. And then I would live a life where I focused on all my athletics. And I live a life where I read every book and I fucked every girl and i married everything and we were just like would you kill yourself they say you're born that way what if on your sixth life you were born gay it's just like whoa you immediately respond like something's

different this time boy i'm looking at all sorts of different things on the street right now i think uh i think you would i right now, you draw a line at experimentation because you're like, this is who I am, but if it's got multiple, I'll fuck a dude on my fourth life. In four lifetimes, Kevin, can I see a fucking dude? Yeah. Give me like 400 years,

I'll go gay. You probably get tired of fucking chicks after a while. Pussy can only get you so many likes. They say that stuff with rock stars. Mick Jagger and Prince and fucking Sting like they fucked so many pussies like what's a what's a dude butt feeling like what's a dick feel like you know like at some point you just get bored and if you were living essentially like eternal life nine nine consecutive we'll call them life sentences these are life sentences to life not to death uh eventually you try it all god son of a bitch it's very twilight zoney you know it's like do you think

you find out there's heaven when you like killed yourself like you see the light and then you like get to the pearly gates and you're like because then i come back i'd come back one night one time i'd be a crazy guy on the street yeah like god I'm like, God is real. I always wondered that. Like, if I, I've always thought about if I, you know, I thought I had a ghost in my house not too long ago. I really, really thought I had a ghost in my house. And I was like, how, what can I say to the guys that, like, they're going to take me seriously? Like, what if you knew there was aliens? What if you knew there was an afterlife?

What if you knew something? What did you, did you tell me? I don't think you did no i think i'm trying to get that trying to get that house sold i think so i don't need any more bad news on the market with that place but there was a night where there was like running across like you know my ceiling the floor above me i was downstairs there was like running and i was like oh my god shea like is she got out of her bed and she's running around her room and i went upstairs and everybody was completely asleep and i was like that's weird and i went back downstairs and like it was still happening there was no way it was like a squirrel or like a little animal it was like goddamn

footsteps and i was genuinely scared i believe you you don't have to you just tell me what happened you don't have to sell me on it. So now you, so okay. You really believe ghosts exist because of my story? I, I, yeah. My man. That's fucking friendship right there. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. I actually, ghosts were the ones I was always kind of 50-50 on. You know, aliens, a thousand percent exist. Yeah. But ghosts, I was always kind of like, eh, I don't know. Have you seen a ghost? Have you heard of ghosts? So your. Ghosts exist.

Aliens are, exist. Ghosts, you were on the fence like, eh, I don't know. Have you seen a ghost? Have you heard of ghosts? Ghosts exist. Aliens exist. Ghosts, you were on the fence but now believe. Now believe. Afterlife God, no shot. No shot. No shot. But if you could prove that and you come back and you're like, I spoke to Jesus. He told me on your fourth life, fuck some dudes, but you also got gotta save the world like there's no way to come

across as a reasonable person no no not not at all i often thought about that as a kid um like i'd see you know outside bruins games and outside all boston sporting events really preachers there's one preacher in particular is always wearing science as you know you'll burn in hell and stuff and i. And I always thought about that thinking, I'm like, this guy's crazy. And then as a kid,

I thought, what if he was standing there saying he's Jesus? Right. Jesus probably sounded pretty fucking crazy. Yeah, what if he really was? People in the streets

being like, dude, shut up. Yeah. Oh, you didn't turn the fucking loaves into fish or whatever. You didn't do that. Shut up. Right. And he does that stuff. You didn't do that. Shut up.

Right. And he does that stuff. You know Jesus. He's real prickly with his fucking miracles. God, that was a tough one. I tell how much we go to church and stuff. And it was, well, you want to know for real when I was totally out on it? When I was in high school and a monk was telling me about how there are a lot of...

A monk? I had monk teachers. They left a lot of books out of the Bible. Oh, yeah. There's like a million books. One of which was Jesus making a kid disappear because they stole his toy. And he's like, now why would you believe that? Well, why the fuck wouldn't I?

If you're telling me he does all this other shit. All from the same storyteller. Of course, as a kid, he was pissed off with toys. You know, he's a kid with magical powers.

No shit's going to make the kid who took his toy disappear. Well, this is actually, my beef is not with Jesus, although making that kid disappear is pretty fucked up. My beef is with the Bible writers,

really, you know? Like, he just lived his life and then these assholes telling the story are using it to exploit billions of people.

Little exaggeration, you should say. Yeah. They're the ones who are like, we're going to get them to give us money every week. We're going to tell this part of the story, not this part of the story. We're going to make everyone believe

that they're sinning automatically and they need to repent. I don't think Jesus was like that. I think it was those motherfuckers writing the book, Peter making the church. Yeah, Jesus is out there smashing Mary Magdalene. Hell don't think Jesus was like that. I think it was those motherfuckers writing the book, Peter making the church. Yeah, Jesus is out there smashing Mary Magdalene.

Hell yeah. Whatever the fuck you want, I don't care. Hell yeah. I mean, you were my lady. Balls deep, that hooker Magdalene. I'm sending you my whore.

My whore. She was a good whore. Yeah, I think Jesus was a cool ass dude, but I think his fucking friends were dicks. You know what I think it's like? I think Jesus was a cool-ass dude, but I think his fucking friends were dicks. You know what I think it's like? I think it's almost like Jesus was a big-time athlete, and it was his posse that was the problem.

Ah, okay. Like, LeBron is Jesus, and Peter and them are like Maverick Carter. It's like, you guys are the snakes who are trying to ride coattails and exploit your friend and pay your own bills. Bro, you're a mega agent now? Did you even graduate college? Yeah. Give me a break. You're about to manage the biggest single global enterprise in the world right now?

Maverick Carter? The only reason that's happening is because of where you were born. Right. That's it. Like Windhorse, too. He's like one of the apostles. Just following him around fucking just telling his story who said jesus make more fish every time yes anymore more

fish more fish more fish let's go make this make this one loaf seven loaves wendy's hungry wendy's got leprosy fix me fucking wash my feet wendy's got dirty feet lebron out here doing doing things like the messiah so yeah jesus is a cool cat it's just his dickhead friends that's one thing maybe one life i would i would dedicate one life to like i'm gonna get into area 51 i'm gonna find out what's going on you're just gonna you're like like uh den of thieves style yeah like just that's all I do. Just like Pepe Silvio with the fucking thing. Casing into the scene. Yeah, I'm just like, I mean, if you dedicate your life to figuring out how to just get into one place,

like, I think you can do it. By the time you're like 65. No, you can't. You don't think so? I don't think there's anybody out there who's literally doing it every day with such reckless abandon, knowing they have extra lives. I think it's kind of like one of those things. So what?

At one point, I just say, all right, I've done some pretty heavy research i'm gonna just run up in there and i die whatever i'll be back tomorrow turns out the best way to get is just sprint at it just run into area 51 open a door see an alien pow you're dead well i guess what i'm coming back with a little bit of knowledge yeah man i mean that would be sick that would be sick. That would be pretty dope. This is such a hard question for me because I'm not interested. Not interested in what life has to offer. I'm out on that life thing. Nine. No thanks.

You could do this. Do you think you could be like an astronaut? I could be. I don't know if you could. I think being an astronaut is like you could give me a thousand lives. I'm never going to be in the NBA. i used to think i used to think astronauts were uh oh boy like the construction workers of space like i didn't realize that they were geniuses construction workers of space that's an amazing line i thought they were like they were architects

who plotted out their whole thing and they just go up there and they're like hey jimmy from queens get in the rocket. Go get me some sand from the moon, buddy. Bring it back. I'll do the real work. No, astronauts are like the most fucking brilliant people on the planet. Physically, mentally, all that shit. Yeah, no, I learned that eventually.

But as a child, I thought. Yeah, everyone fights his meeting like astronauts on like a school trip. You're like, get out of here, buddy. Yeah, everyone's like, I want to be an astronaut. I grow up, you want to make a minimum wage You're like, get out of here, buddy. Yeah, everyone's like, I want to be an astronaut. I grow up. You want to make a minimum wage job. I'll be a businessman. Thank you.

Putting cones out there on the moon or some shit. Paving the moon. Whatever, buddy. Astronaut woman holding up the stop sign. It's the crossing guard directing traffic in space. It's always that one chick on the construction crew. Stop. Turn it.

Or they got like a little wand. They just wave you. Like a flag tiffany goes home i was working on you all back breaking stood in the middle of the street for six hours holding the stop sign oh that's the thing i would do by the way one of my nine deaths i would just get rocked by a car oh yeah i would actually i always think about that off of an overpass onto a highway so you get a little double whammy. Pow, pow. That takes a lot of timing. It's going to take you six lives to nail that one.

By the seventh life, I'll be like... I think about that all the time. Nine lives gives you a cat. Yeah. Nine lives gives you a cat. Yes. It's just the ability to dodge death here and there. And I want to take it to the edge. And smoke butt car. I think about that

almost every single day I walk on the street street like i'd like convince convince that six year old inside i'm like don't jump in front of it don't do it keep it at bay it's not gonna be funny yeah that's really all having the nine lives is you unleash your six-year-old yeah that thing that you keep at bay you can just let run wild because what really happens when you stick a fork in a socket oh yeah definitely yeah i would do all those things all those like you know i'm pretty i'm still pretty afraid to do like the pop rocks and the soda in my stomach i would tempt fate i think i get i think i get uh like um tied to two horses they didn't know drawn and quartered not drawn and quartered they don't

go slow they sprint and then just rip you apart yeah that's like that's wild that's. They don't go slow. They sprint. And then just rip you apart. That's like, that's wild. That's crazy. I don't know. Even with my unlimited lives, I don't think I would do that. I'll tell you what I would do. I wouldn't want drawn a quarter. I wouldn't want slow and painful.

Just like tie me up, smack them both in the ass. See ya. I'd like to be Rod in one of those horses. Or they'd take a picture of me because I want to see it when I come back. I want to see what it looked like. You know what I would do? I would tempt fate and I would do Bloody Mary. Oh! See, I wouldn't do that because I think it would go...

If it happens... You might undo the nine lives magic. If it happens, kind of like what we were saying, do you see Jesus? If that happens, you know hell exists. Yeah. You know the evils that revolve, that live in this world, and that will fuck them for the rest of their lives. Alright, so I'll do Bloody Mary.

You get ripped apart by two horses. And there's our second answer for nine lives. You tweet us about your lives. If you're a real man or a woman, tweet me about your nine deaths. We'll be back next week on KFC Radio. Bye!