KFC Radio - Quickie: Apartment Hunting (with kmarko)

Episode Date: June 15, 2018

A story about dying prematurely, plastic ankles, a cat named Luigi, and seizing love wherever you can find itYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What's up? It's your boy KFC. Those are my co-hosts. As they mock me, they mock me and my cadence and my delivery. It's a professional delivery. It's incredible. I told you I love it. People mock Joe Buck, too, so it's whatever. I love it. People mock Joe Buck, too.

So it's whatever. Oh, OK. We're going to they don't mock nobody. That's that's true. My two co-hosts, as always, John Henry Feidelberg and the third co-host of KFC Radio. Keith Markovich. K Marco is with us because he encountered a one of a kind asshole in Manhattan, in New York city.

I got a story that I think a lot of people can relate to on a lot of levels, but I don't know if a lot of people can fully relate to just how big of a fucking douchebag this guy is. So today's quickie is about apartment hunting and moving and dealing with landlords and brokers and all the like. Now, like I said, everyone has their own horror stories about moving and dealing with sharks and snakes and incompetence. But Keith is apartment hunting and he he encountered a unique fella who has plastic ankles. And I'll leave it to you to explain just what that means.

Just one, just one plastic ankle to be clear. Oh, just a plastic, forgive me. A single plastic ankle. No, I got a good story. Uh, to be clear, I've, I've, this will be my, I'm looking for apartments. I just started my search. This will be the sixth one that I've lived at, lived in New York. And I've had a pretty good, I mean, it's stressful every time, but I've had a pretty good experience. Like I've never had anyone truly awful. Um, to preface this, first of all, real quick story. I told John this earlier, I found the perfect apartment. Uh, everything was great about it. It was severely underpriced because the people that own it, they live in

the building and they really want a great tenant that they can relate to. So it wasn't first come, first serve. Uh, it was just like apply uh write a bio about yourself and they'll pick who they like the best oh i think i'd be out at that point so i did that was perfect if i had to write a bio about myself oh my god you're gonna hate me listen i wrote a fucking fire bio i wrote the best description you could possibly write i was so into it yeah but you have like a good life story that you could tell yeah my life story is like hey this guy's a piece of shit no i wrote the best life story feidelberg story would be like costanza in seinfeld when he's writing about how pathetic he is so i can please have this apartment i need it so bad i wrote the best thing that i've written

in my entire life i think and i sent it whatever i'll make the choice this story short i was sitting in my desk chair this morning i got a call from the guy who was repping the building. And he said, Keith, six people applied to this apartment on the day you came in. I just emailed four of them and said they didn't get it. But I wanted to call you personally. And I could tell in his voice, I didn't get it. Like he was like really distraught. And he called me and he was like, I just want to call you personally to say the owners loved you. It was your apartment. They wanted you. But the wife had a change of heart and so

they needed an extra night to think about it. And when they woke up this morning, they went with the other people. So I just wanted to tell you they extend their forgiveness. They liked you a lot, but they're going the other way. But it was yours. But then it wasn't. So you lost game seven in extra innings this apartment

uh i won't so i won't say my price range but it was very fairly priced it should have been you know 800 more a month and it was absolutely perfect it was the best apartment i can imagine and they were like you had it but now you don't and i was like dude i wish you had just told me that i wasn't even close i wish you told me that i was like dude i wish you had just told me that i wasn't even close i wish you told me that i was number six and that i had no chance instead of telling me it was mine and then the wife i guarantee you the wife pulled up barstool sports i was gonna say instead of telling me the life i guarantee you she pulled it up and was like i don't like this guy i don't know what the top post was at the time it probably wasn't good anyway so i lost that apartment but uh if you want to get

into the the very first apartment i saw the one that i tweeted about so this apartment for the people who watch suits it looks like megan markle's apartment in suits it's perfect it's gorgeous the one with the the one i'm about to talk about yeah okay kevin you saw the tweet, right? Yes. So I, the day this was, this was very recently, but the day that I started my search, the first 20 minutes I saw this apartment and it was amazing. I couldn't believe how it was priced. I couldn't believe all the stuff about it. It was a, so I'm looking for a Brownstone in a certain price range. I don't care about a walk up as long as the low floor, but I want kind of like modern amenities. Like it's very specific what I'm looking for. And I found it on my very first search.

So I went, I called the guy and he was like, oh, hi. It's like an old guy. And he was like, I'm home right now. Come by. I jumped in a Uber, went there. I was in there in 20 minutes. He let me in, let me up the stairs. It was a second floor walk-up, showed me around.

We talked about the apartment for like five minutes, maybe the rest of the time, maybe 30 minutes. We just like talked, like told stories. He told me about his life story. He used to be the managing editor at GQ. He used to be a writer,

published author, very interesting guy. Great. We had a great talk and I'm super, you guys know me in real life, not my internet persona. I'm very nice,

especially with my elders. Any grandparent or parent I've ever met fucking loves me because I'm very nice, especially with my elders. Any grandparent or parent I've ever met fucking loves me because I'm so polite and nice. And I was on my A game because I wanted this apartment. So I went really well. He took me down to his apartment to meet his wife. I met his wife, incredible conversation. And I was like, you know, I kind of, I kind of like this, like, let me, uh, I'll get back to you. I went home, thought about it, thought of the stuff. Like there was kind of a leaky ceiling. There was some features I didn't really like. So I wrote him, uh, no, he wrote me first, actually at one 30 in the morning, he said, uh, dear Keith,

uh, we hope and pray talking about his wife. We hope and pray that visiting our building had a big effect on you. This is a very romantic building. Seize love wherever you can find it. It is rare and precious. Granted, this was apropos of nothing. I went alone. We didn't talk about anything like love or relationship related. He just said this out of the blue. Nothing about like my relationships or love life ever came up. He just said, seize love wherever you can find it. It's rare and precious. Best wishes, his name and his wife's name. He sent that out of nowhere at 1.30 a.m. So I woke up to it and I wrote back, listen to this email I wrote, Kevin, you know me pretty well and you know, this isn't really how I write, but I wrote the most impressive fucking nicest

email I've ever written in my life. I said, your name, thank you for the kind words. The apartment is beautiful. And you and uh your wife name redacted are incredibly warm and wonderful people uh i found the apartment stunning i said stunning unironically i just said that i've never used that word in my life i said i found your apartment stunning and appreciated your kindness and showing me around uh i regret not being able to live there but hope to see you around the neighborhood and wish you the very best keith that should have been that right that that seems like a fair yeah that should have been done yeah so i was like yeah like i saw your apartment it's it's unfortunately it's not for me like thank you so much for showing me around

i appreciate you taking the time you were extraordinarily gracious yeah and i showed that to my mom she was like whoa what a nice email keith what a great boy that i raised he then breaking news keith's mom loves him so So he wrote that out of nowhere. That actually is kind of breaking news. Considering the rest of the stuff we say on the show, that's notable. So he wrote me at 1.30 in the morning. I responded with that. I thought that'd be the end of it. He then responded the next day. And I was going to brunch and I was the first one there. So I was sitting at the bar when I got this email and I started shaking. I've never been more taken aback by an email. And you guys saw that I tweeted an excerpt of it. It was 12 paragraphs long,

but, uh, I'll just read the expert, the excerpt real quick. Showing, showing apartments is very arduous for me at 73. It is inevitable that the body is already failing. I have a plastic ankle. I have a plastic ankle, but years ago I was classified as permanently disabled by Social Security, and not just because I have difficulty walking, period. So you should have never, never responded to my ad. You have been very, very lucky with your first job, but this type of success is a double-edged sword. It cuts both ways. All young men are tone-deaf when it comes to imagining what it's like to be in someone else's shoes this type of success amplifies that many times over it is why so many young people

who have had early success die prematurely it is hard for them to learn that no all caps means no basically like call me a rapist for not wanting his apartment no means no and that is just for starters and then you go oh real quick by now part of your mind is already thinking why doesn't he have someone else show the apartments it comes down to the fact that my wife and I live in the building so I need as much exposure regardless of

how painful to anyone who's interested in living in the building and even then when I make an occasional mistake and there are many more reasons besides this blah blah blah blah there are nine more paragraphs after that i that is how this guy responded to me saying no thank you you are you are great your wife is lovely it's not for me and that's how he responded that's i i don't even have anything that matches up to that that that's That's the cream of the crop Having someone be like

That was an incredible email you wrote Like I said you were extraordinarily gracious To come back and call you a rapist No means no You have a hard time This begs the question Do you think he does this to everyone Who says no?

There's a lot of no's when you're apartment hunting Do you think it was something about you That he was like this fucking guy got so lucky with his job he's probably a rapist and he's wasting my time with my plastic ankle like what is something like that not absolutely not i'm pretty good at reading people and i know like i'm very self-aware the conversation was a hundred percent a good conversation. I said nothing out of line. What I did do was when he asked me what I did, my, my reflex answer is I'm a writer. So I could see him like kind of dancing around trying to figure out if I could afford the apartment. So I kind of like worked into the conversation like, uh, uh, yeah, we were acquired recently and like, we're worth $150 million. And like, I basically told him that I do well,

like I can afford your apartment. Like I can put the security deposit down blah blah that's the only like way that i mentioned my success yeah so yeah because to me the whole like you've been lucky with your job like that to me you said that he was a writer himself yeah he's a published author he was so here's what i'm thinking i'm thinking this guy was a true like writer, lifelong artist, kind of struggling, never quite made it. And now he sees this young guy roll in here and he's like, oh, I work for this big time company and he's jealous and he's bitter and he's mad and he's comparing his life to yours. And why wasn't that me? Because that's the only reason I think that you would just call someone a rapist after they just said no. That's certainly possible. I didn't get that impression from our conversation.

We left it really well. I said, you know what? Maybe I'll come back tomorrow and see it again. But blah, blah, blah. And then I said he said that email and I said, no, thank you. But I was thinking that maybe I honestly think he has dementia. I think something's wrong with him because he, these two emails, the switch was so stark and drastic that it was like different personalities writing them.

So anyway, when I got that email, I was, I was very mad and you guys know, I like to, I like to respond to people. I'm very defensive, but I sat on it and I was like,

you know what? Keep being mature. Grow up. I'd send it to my mom. I don't talk to my mom this much. I don't mean to sound like a mama's boy, but I'd send it to my mom. Don't talk to your mom this much i don't mean to sound like a boy but i sent it to my mom and she was like she's very understanding she was like this guy's fucking crazy you know you shouldn't respond i know you're looking in that neighborhood like he's old he's

crazy just let him have his moment and i sat on it and i stood on it for eight and a half hours and i wrote my response and i showed it to my mom. I showed it to a couple of friends and they were like, Ooh, yikes. Maybe don't send that. So I wrote a second draft and it was much more calm, but I was like, you know what guys, I don't care what you say. I'm sending this. Like, this is my draft that I'm sending. And I sent it and it was fucking scathing. And I was, I'm very proud of this email. I'm not going to read it out loud, but I really like, give us a gist. Uh i was like well the nine paragraphs that i mentioned that i won't read out loud that he sent me were like lecturing me on life and he kept talking about love i was like why are you talking about love like dude you're in your third

marriage don't lecture me about love it was his third fucking wife he said at one point he was like my wife uh parentheses who many people say look like michelle pfeiffer and i was like dude your wife was not fucking very attractive at all and it's your third wife what do you know about fucking love and he said my favorite part was uh when i was moving in with my wife name redacted she had a cat named luigi this is out of nowhere by the way so she had a cat named luigi and uh the the cat helped her through a very difficult time when she was disabled and uh These are both like real like remarkable stories. They both used to be disabled and they're both okay now? Like he was

classified disabled with his plastic ankle. This one had a cat fucking perform healing powers on her. I don't want to talk about this too long, but he said, my wife had a cat named Luigi, helped her through a very tough time. But when we got together, she knew I didn't like the cat and she knew that I didn't like the cat uh trampling on my greek artifacts that are very

valuable to me so she put the cat down so that we can move in together what they they euthanized the cat so they could be happy and this guy was lecturing me on love out of nowhere to tell me what love is like and he told me basically you will never find true love because you're so selfish you made an old man with a plastic ankle show you an apartment be like dude your your wife is basically she's best partnered with michael rapaport are you fucking your wife's a cat killer oh is that scumbags you got you got a disabled old bitter cat killing serial marrying New York asshole and I can't believe you didn't send that first draft I can't believe you even rewrote

it to be more funny fuck this guy I'll show it to you in private when you come in here let me just be clear that the second draft was not exactly like nice but I sent it it was great I felt so good about it he wrote back another 10 paragraphs and I responded I'll wrap the story up.

I responded, uh, one sentence, uh, was it unclear when I said, I don't care about your thoughts, stop contacting me. And I thought that was, I thought that was nice. Cause I could have gone on for a lot longer. And I was like, I don't care about you. And this guy just wants something to talk to his grandkids. Absolutely. And, and the end of the story is he replied to that email in 35 seconds with subject line only no, no body of the pair of the email subject line only. I asked you to stop writing to me, please stop. And it was like five-year-olds going back and forth trying to see who could have the last word. So I was in a bad mood at the time. So I gave it to him. I deleted the chain. I had to, I had to search for it the time so i gave it to him i deleted the chain

i had to i had to search for it to talk about this on radio but i deleted the chain i was like i'm not gonna respond to this guy the the other huge difference between me and keith is the second i got that first mean email my reply would be okay i'll take it i'm sorry for friending you okay i'll take it he said he actually said in his second one, and I'm not going to read, but he said there was a line in there like, after you left, my wife and I talked about it, and we decided, all caps, underlined, italics, we were not going to offer you a lease.

This was after he wanted me to take the lease. Yeah, that's even the romantic spiel. He's a fucking child. He needed the last word. You dumped him and he i mean clearly him and his wife wanted to fuck you and it was you dumped him i mean she looked like michelle pfeiffer you're a fool for turning that down and he he was he felt rejected and he needed to lash out and that was uh i mean that was a breakup email you had that's tough

that's tough to deal with i would i would have. I would have had to get the last word. I would have just wrote, fuck your plastic ankle. Well, he's in a neighborhood that I'm in a lot. It's like a popular neighborhood. I don't want to describe it because it's where I might live. But it's like there's a lot of brunch places around there. There's a lot of places that I go to. And I walk by his apartment a lot.

And I just look at it. And I'm like, I will have the last word at some point something will happen i will do something to end this like that sounds kind of like bad if this guy i was thinking more like lighting dog shit on fire on his stupid now if he's found dead i swear to god i had nothing to do with it but i like i think i'm stewing on it still don't think that i'm too mature to like forget this. Oh, I don't. But I do want to find an apartment first because I feel like this guy's a little well-connected

and I want to find an apartment and settle into it and then focus on this guy. And then focus all of my attention on this man. What if this guy runs the neighborhood and all the brokers get together and you're blackballed? Oh, totally. That was on my mind. That's why I let him have the last word.

But once I'm settled in somewhere, rest assured, I will be back in K-Marco mode looking to cause some damage. Have you had anything like that, Kevin? What's that? I mean, I was going to say i feel like i've had some quirky brokers some quirky landlords but i don't think i have anybody coming close to a cat killing plastic ankle motherfucker like that my experiences have always been more i guess positive but like just just the the new york city real estate situation is such a goddamn shit show. There's so many made up rules. This much for the broker's fee, that much for rent and deposit.

It's like the biggest scam going where you need to have like $20,000 cash to be able to just move apartments. It's crazy. The whole thing is a racket. Oh, absolutely. You need to have first month's rent, security deposit, which is first month's rent. And you try to have no broker, but when you get frustrated after a couple of weeks, you end up with a broker on a fee apartment. And that's another month. So you need three months of your rent. You need four. You need last two, right? No. No, I've never needed last. I need first month's security deposit.

How about when they just ask you if you make 40 times the rent like no the rent would need to be like 50 for me to make that what are we talking about 40 times the rent no that's not true you make that kevin i've been able to cover that yeah but i mean maybe now but there was time yeah it wasn't oh no well i had to have my dad guarantor yeah i had my dad guarantor actually moving to new york was the first time i didn't need a guarantor i my dad guarantor it. I had to have my dad guarantor it. Actually, moving to New York was the first time I didn't need a guarantor. I needed a guarantor every apartment I lived in in Boston. You live with roommates, so you can combine. There's a lot of people out there.

I lived alone. When I lived on the Upper West Side for my apartment, I got very frustrated. I finally contacted a broker, and I met him. He walked me up, put the key in the door and opened it i saw it and said oh this is cool i'm gonna take this and that was whatever my rent was i had to pay that to him the most frustrating thing in the fucking world all they do is ever the key it is infuriating it was worth it to find an apartment and like not have that stress anymore but then after a few months i was like i cannot believe i just wrote a check to this fucking guy that opened a door for me that's why we got paid open doors

if you if anybody has lived on the upper east side or maybe even down to murray hill you might know the name babette babette is this broker on the Upper East who she just charges. It's like a flat fee. It was like 800 bucks for each of us. So it was like less than half of what it should have costed. And she's this old Jew, not old. I would say like, like probably like 50 year old Jewish Yenta. She's got blonde hair and she has lipstick all over her face. It looks like she took the lipstick and was rubbing it on her forehead.

And she's been eternally single, and I'm pretty sure she wants to fuck every Upper East Side bro that she comes across. I think she even has a published book about her sexcapades. She is a fucking trip. She has a published book about her sex?

I will try to... Actually, I'm going to text my buddy right now. I'll have him come back with the name, because I know he'm going to text my buddy right now i'll i'll have him come back with the name because i know he's going to know it it's something like you know confessions of a like an upper east side jap or something like that it's all about how i think she's been preying upon young young people looking for apartments on the upper east side but she i mean she is a she's like an angel she's so cheap and she always found the best fucking apartments. And everybody always used to make fun of me for like being best friends with Babette. But I'm like you, Keith.

I moved like, I think I've had five New York City apartments. I moved like five times in five years. So me and her were like best fucking friends. Because she only charged me like 800 bucks and she found the best spots. And I think she wanted to fuck me. But whatever. I don't know. I mean, that's what you got to do. Did you gotta do fuck her be honest did you fuck her be honest i mean

i thought about it i mean i genuinely was a moment was when i was still single where i was like you know this could be even cheaper if i if i played my cards right if there was ever a time to just like lower your standards and fuck someone like it's to avoid a broker's fee i mean i was also like if there's ever a time seriously like you said to be like i'll do whatever it takes because again the numbers that people throw around if i was a chick if i was a chick i would 100 sleep with a broker i mean well that's like uh it's some with miss mcgill shit like uh in uh youngblood, Rob Lowe fucks his, like, house parent because she's just, you know, that's what Miss McGill does. And also, it's like when we were in L.A. this week and we heard about, so we're out in L.A. this week.

And we're out, like, to dinner with, like, these fucking, I don't know, executives, whatever the fuck they were. And they're telling us this story of when they met a hollywood actress early in her time earlier in her time when she moved out there and she was dating a gas station attendant and she had promised herself when she moved to la that she was never gonna fuck for a job she's never gonna do it and then one day she had to get to an audition and she went to her boyfriend's gas station because she couldn't didn't have gas couldn't afford it she can you just give me a thimble of gas so i can get to my audition he said i can't do it i really can't and she said i've been fucking this guy's brains out and he won't give me a thimble of gas from now on i'll fuck anyone for any job i don't care this is like a famous actress they were telling

us well i forget her name but like she was like she's like she decided then and then from then on she's fucking sucking she doesn't care for a job because she fucking apparently doesn't even get you gas in that town yeah i mean listen in in la it's a whole that that's that's the way the business works and in new york it's like you get desperate in these ridiculous cities you know the one thing we all can offer uh you know you gotta do what you gotta do most of us can offer. Genitals. You know, you got to do what you got to do. Most of us can offer genitals. There are a few people who can't, but most of us, we can offer genitals.

I've never had a problem with a broker. Just my apartments have been just disastrous. And part of that's because of me, no doubt. But, like, when I first moved here, and it was, like, right out of school, and my, like, parents were helping me. They gave like one year of like helping me and i was living on a couch and like my roommate was just a drug dealer and like that sucked like just trying to sleep on a couch people that wrap it on your door at 3 a.m you're sleeping next to the fucking coffee table that opens up to hide where all the weed is like dude come on i

don't want to fucking like can't they come back at a reasonable hour it's 3 a.m what do they even want with weed they should be buying coke you should be up in the business selling coke right now that's like i've never had a problem with a broker but like that's the shit i've dealt with i had one in i guess i guess it was kind of a broker. I had one spot in Boston in Southeast on the Blackout Tour when I'd gotten a raise to $500 bimonthly. And I was living in a literally dilapidated house. It was a condemned house. I swear to God, it was condemned. It's over by the Broadway stop in Southie for anyone, or it was over by the Broadway stop in Southie next to,

I think it was called West, no, that's the place I lived in college. There's like a nice hotel right next to it. It's over by Lee Chen, not Lee Chen's. Fuck, I forget the name of the Chinese restaurant too. But it's all over there. And it was right across the street from the Broadway stop. And it was a condemned house that an uncle of a friend had bought, but he couldn't knock it down for a year.

So he needed people to live in it for the insurance purposes. So he was charging me like $100 a month. And I wasn't making money, and I was on the road the whole time. So I was like, fuck it. I'll just live there. It doesn't matter. And the showers didn't work, so I had to get a gym membership to go shower. the whole time so i was like fuck it like i'll just live there doesn't matter and i the the showers didn't work so i had to i had to get a gym membership to go shower right and then one day i

had a party at this apartment i don't know why it was a house i had a party this house that people were undoubtedly murdered in and i i don't know why i had a party but like we were in the living room and a girl was like i didn't know you had a cat and i said i don't have a cat and i looked in the kitchen like down the hall real quick and just saw a rat scurrying around and and we decided that the rat now owned that part of the house so what we did is we got like one of those Child blockers So they don't fall on the stairs And we blocked the entrance To the kitchen Jesus With that thing

And we moved the fridge Into the living room What? And we So we didn't have to go To the kitchen anymore So that rat just owned That half the house

What age were you When this happened? Like 23 Probably Jesus That's bad It was so bad Thank god you made that

Saturday for the boys money I'm just kidding. And I just like, we were like, yo, like we just like, I don't want to go kill that rat. Cause like that would be cleaning up the death from that rat would be like cleaning up a body. Like it's a whole thing. It's not just like you clean up a rat and you scoop it. Like that would be like, you got to cut it up. You got to distribute the parts.

You got to clean up the blood. It was that big a rat. So we were just like, dude, he has that part of the house now. And that's just, you got to cut it up. You got to distribute the parts. You got to clean up the blood. It was that big a rat. So we were just like, dude, he has that part of the house now. And that's just, we just lived in the front. I slept on the couch in the living room and it was, that's, and I, again, I wasn't there that often because I was on the blackout tour was going. So, you know, we were going everywhere every week, like for months on end, but it was, we, we were kicked out of our house.

It wasn't a bad broker it was a rat okay this is how i said so this is my house dad that's bad you lived in like a trap house i was it was a it was worse than a trap house it was a condemned home that was waiting to be torn down and they needed people to live in it for the insurance purposes. I need, I need human beings to live in this condemned house for the insurance. Yo, the amount of shit you go through, whether it's paying out of the ass or,

or stooping to extremely low levels, just to have a goddamn roof over your head. I mean, what are we doing? What are we doing living in these cities where you kind of live with fucking giant mutated rats? Like what is happening? And it takes it's difficult to do it, but it takes a large toll, even like the movie. It's not so bad here in New York and Boston.

It's everyone moves on the same day. So like the city shuts down for like three days. So you halls can just drive around New York, in Boston, it's everyone moves on the same day. So like the city shuts down for like three days so U-Hauls can just drive around. New York, I feel like it's a little easier. It's like people kind of just move about whenever. But it takes a large toll on your life, not just financially,

but stressfully living because you have to be happy when you go home. And I'm not, but I know one day I aspire to be. And I'm very particular. I'm like a little like I need my living space to be perfect. Like right now, my only criteria is a washer dryer. Like I can't live without a washer dryer.

I did that before and I just can't do it. I need it. And that's hard to find. And I am like I'm sitting on – I didn't write anything today because I'm sitting on Street Easy and Naked Apartments and Rent Hop just waiting for new posts to go up. And as soon as the apartment's listed, I email the broker. And a perfect one went up today and I caught it in 35 seconds. And I was like, holy shit.

Message the broker. They were like, oh, amazing. Very quick response. Can you see it right now? And I was like, hell yeah. I'm not doing shit. No one's here today. The bosses are out.

I'm the boss today. Yeah. Let me get a newber. I ordered a newber.ber it was four minutes away i went down waiting in the lobby ruben was ignoring me as usual yeah and the uber pulled up i walked out the door my phone buzzed with the email buzz and he was like ah shit it was just rented and i was like that's the that's how it was probably four and a half minutes that that happened and it was the perfect apartment. And so now I'm back to the drawing board. And I spent all day doing that.

And I can't find one that I like. And time's running out. And I'm very stressed. I'm on edge right now. And I've got these fucking people like blank, blank landlord. Yeah, they text me. Their move is that they list an apartment that is going to go off the market very quickly. And then they rope you in. And they're like, oh, let me show you a few others. These aren't no fee. It's just a one

month fee, but let me show them to you. And they're great. And they're out of your price range. And like, once you got start getting stressed enough, you're just going to take it because you're so fed up with looking and they hook me every day. I mean, the patience I have for that process, it's like in the very beginning, I'm a shark and I'm negotiating like, you know, $50 less a month because I'm not going to be I'm not going to get got. I'm going to win this negotiation. And by the end, I'm like, oh, whatever.

This place is leaking. The bathroom doesn't work. And it's only like a half a bedroom. Fuck it. I'll take it. I'm at the I'm at the point right now where I have switched off the no fee option. I will pay a fee. I have bumped my budget up $1,000 a month, and I am just replying to every single one that comes up.

I've even extended that $1,000. I am now $1,300 above what I wanted just replying to all those apartments. And I will probably get one, and I will definitely – I'll be able to afford it, but I will have absolutely no extra income to spend on anything. It's one of those things where like, how much is your time worth? Like my mom still gives me shit for going to an ATM at the bodega across from my apartment. She's like,

that's $3 every time. I'm like, it's six blocks. The nearest bank of America ATM. So like my time is more, my it's $3 that 15 minutes. It saves me is worth three dollars to me. And is it John?

This is your time really worth that. Kevin, couch time is very, I totally agree. I do the same thing with like delivery charges. Yeah, I'll pay the five ninety nine Amazon Prime delivery charge just because I don't want to walk to the store and carry the heavy. Well, I mean, listen. With Postmates, they do that too. You pay $6? When they say Bill Gates can't even bend down to pick up $100 because it's not worth his time. We're not on that level, John. We're just lazy fucks.

That's all. I said $3. I said $3 for 20 minutes, not to bend down. $3 for a 12-block round-trip walk is very different than $100 to bend over. I paid a 690. I was in the office doing the top 50 blogs of the year countdown over Christmas break. And I paid a 699 service charge

and a 599 delivery fee. So that's whatever the math is on that for Chipotle delivery. And you guys know where Chipotle is. It's literally right below us. It is about 75 feet that way. uh for chipotle delivery and you guys know where chipotle is it's literally right below it is uh about oh 75 feet that way and i paid it because it was so cold out that i didn't want to get out of my chair and go get it when that it was worth it i would do that a thousand times over when i

was in that rat vested apartment um i was next to again i forgot the name of the uh the chinese restaurant right there but it was next door. And I would order delivery, and they wouldn't even send a delivery man. The cook would just walk out back. It was literally the building over. Like, I mean, quite literally, it was the building over. All right, let me leave you guys with this because I know we need to wrap up i pulled up the email and i want to read to you the cat part so i'm going to read this paragraph to you uh it's this is out of 11 paragraphs i

just counted so i'll read this one uh when when i this is the cat part when i first met my wife take i won't say her name when i first met my wife she had a truly wonderful cat luigi and i got and luigi and i got along splendidly when we decided to move in together i was okay with luigi coming along but she wasn't she loved luigi desperately but she also serious but she is also seriously disabled and for many years luigi provided her comfort when she was in great pain she knew she was causing luigi great pain when she would leave him alone to spend the weekend with me but she was fearful that luigi could damage the many things of great value parentheses i collect ancient greek pottery and roman antiquities parentheses closed that are scattered around the apartment i could

not convince my wife to budge, not even on a trial basis. Take a moment to think about that! Before I introduce you to my wife, I made it a point to say that while my wife is a rare beauty, she is frequently mistaken for Michelle Pfeiffer. It was her inner beauty that attracted me. So why am I telling you this story? Question mark.

I mean, so why am I telling you this story to tell you that it was disrespectful for you, for you to make me show you the apartment. If you weren't planning on taking it, period. I don't get how that connects at all, but that was the end of his email and then he signed off uh what was the word he used he uses the sanskrit word for peace it was like shinto or

something his initials and that was the end of the email and i was so blown away by that response i wanted to reply like you're that was incredible luigi the cat was trampling on the roman antiquities and so i shouldn't have made him walk me up the stairs to show me that apartment that he listed on the internet back in 72 luigi couldn't see that fucking earthy achilles statue without wanting to piss on it therefore in 2018 don't make me show you an apartment unless you goddamn want to take it his disabled crippling pain wife had to kill her cat

so that he wouldn't trample on the fucking statue of Aristotle and that's the end of my apartment story well everybody's got them I don't know if you can beat K Marco everybody out there try your best but if you can beat k marco like go ahead you know everybody out there try your best but if you can beat luigi the cat the plastic ankles that you're a rapist uh i feel bad for you and i swear to god like people might not believe me but i swear on my

life that i was so over the top polite to this guy and like on my a game just being so nice to the elderly and so respectful and like basically sucking this guy's just being so nice to the elderly and so respectful and like basically sucking this guy's dick to be nice to him. And he told me that. He sent me those emails. I will never again be nice to old people in my life. It reminds me of the guy.

It reminds me of the guy in the other guys when Will Smith, when Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg go to Will Ferrell's ex-girlfriend's house and that weird husband is like, you want to come into my house and not fuck my wife? That might have been it. He might have been offended that I didn't fuck his wife that looks like Michelle Pfeiffer. They're all chasing us. You fuck my wife when you come in here.

That's actually a great theory. I could see they were disappointed when I left. I said I had to get to dinner. Maybe they want me to come in here that's actually a great theory i could see they were disappointed when i left i said i had to get to dinner maybe they want me to come in and fuck his wife yeah i totally believe that's probably it you solved it all right that's it all right well let us know your uh horror stories and weird stories from apartment hunting life i i was able to track down bad bet's book it's called i've been stoodood Up 26 Times and All the Other Times I Wish I Had Been. And I found a YouTube of her from back in like what looks like the early 90s on a show called Rolanda, which is like some Ricky Lake shit. She did a 45 minute daily talk show where I think she

had all the people who like stood her up come back and reunite with her. It's outrageous. So you can buy her book. Actually, I would love for people to actually buy this book and see it trending on Amazon or something, like 30 years after the fact Babette becomes a bestseller or something. It's a $4 book. It's $4.50. And she's like Madonna.

It just says, buy Babette. She's got the one name. So check out that. 26 times I've been stood up and tweet at us at KFC radio, all your other, all the horror stories from finding apartments and pouring yourself out and see if you can beat Luigi, the cat.

We'll catch you guys next time on KFC radio.