KFC Radio - Quickie: I Finally Have A Girlfriend, by Francis

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

Francis writes a love letter (12:40) to his girlfriend. It involves a lot of murder, because it's Francis.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today is a Monday Quickie on KFC Radio. Friday, we were talking about the L-bomb. Yes. When to say it, should you say it, how should you say it. And it was based on the real-life trials and tribulations of one Francis Ellis as the microphone falls over for final break. Holy shit.

I remember my first podcast. It's quite a cough. I remember my shit like a fucking. What was that on the Richter scale? Yeah. Guys knocking things over. That was ridiculous. That was.

The fuck was that? I don't know, man. It's backwards. That's not what happened when I told my girlfriend I loved her. And so here we have it. Far smaller reaction. So Francis is in a new relationship, and he wrote the blog saying he, after a couple weeks, said drop the L-bomb.

But before we even get into that, I think the overwhelming vibe here with this situation, and really you in general, is you never know what's real and what's not. And it's brilliant. It's funny the way you've set yourself up it's brilliant there are there's three as far as i can tell there are two different ways to handle personal life uh at barstool one is what like dan does which is complete quarantine quiet behind the scenes do not involve any of that then there's you which is the more transparent open involved approach do not recommend and then now i've got this third strategy which is like create so much noise and be blurring the line

so much of fiction and reality that nobody knows what's real and it's kind of makes you feel safe that's where you should you're going trump with it huh yeah there's a word for it What is it like Is it It's not gaslighting No I mean No it's not Equivocating or I'll figure it out But it's where you like Fill the world with so much Bullshit

I mean it's kind of gaslighting I guess That nobody knows Because you're making everyone Kind of think they're crazy For believing it Or not believing it Right

Nobody knows what to think It's not quite gaslighting But gaslighting is not I never really knew What gaslighting was Gaslighting is What play is quite gaslighting, but gaslighting is not. I never really knew what gaslighting was. Gaslighting is, what play is it? We are very much uninformed on gaslighting. Gaslighting is based on a play.

I forget the name of the play. But it's based on a play where a husband, it's an olden play, obviously, where the husband is changing the gas, the lights, to make his wife think she's crazy. So he's always changing the darkness, almost Ozark-esque, where he's changing the darkness or gas the lights to make his wife think she's crazy so she's he's always changing the darkness almost ozark ask where he's changing the darkness or the brightness of the house to think and being like what are you talking about no it's normal right now cool so you got the people you got the people all fucking mixed up what you said is true i mean there uh i i never

i think the differences between me and dan are based on what we expected this job to be. Like, I think Dan and I think more so Dave. Dave has always known he was going to be famous and rich. And I don't know whether it's the chicken or the egg. Maybe that's why it happened or maybe it happened because of that. But I never thought we would be this big. So I was OK with putting my personal shot there. Had I known just how much, how much exposure we were going to get,

I probably would have played it a little closer to the vest. Interesting. And then, I mean, obviously I never expected that I'd be like in people magazine. Like I didn't think we'd ever be on that level, but we are. So that I feel like I was the only person jealous of you in that situation.

Sick. Fuck. I'll get married too. It's also a level. I think it's like a level of talent too like i mean my part of my success like all of my success is just being like open and relatable and like i tell the truth and i sometimes i think if i didn't tell the truth like dan has this like pmt is like this character driven, you know, satire thing. Whereas me,

it's like, you ask me a question, I'll just tell you the truth. Right. And so sometimes I'm like, I wish I did play it a little more close to the vest, but I also think like our podcast might disappear. So if we were just like, I don't,

we don't, we're not as like satirically talented as Dan and PFT. There's just a fact, you know, like I think we're funny making fun ofirically talented as Dan and PFT. There's just a fact, you know, like I think we're funny making fun of ourselves and our own world, but you have to be very truthful to do that. Exactly. So you have to be very truthful to do that.

So I love, I mean, up until, you know, this year I always loved it and I took the good with the bad, but the bad was really never that bad. Now the bad is terrible. And I'm like,

Oh, what have I done? But I think what you've done is good because it's like, nobody thinks of you as a character. It's not like he's, you are, Francis is a made up person, because it's like, nobody thinks of you as a character. It's not like he's, you are Francis is a made up person, but it's like, is this true?

Is this not true? It keeps me on my toes. A lot of people just think I'm crazy, but, uh, I think, I think I, I,

you know, but that's what being a standup comedian is. It's, it's taking reallife experiences and then adding a little bit. You're telling a true story. It's an amalgam of all your friends' experiences. Honestly, it's basically telling a story like you tell your friends.

When you tell your friends a story, you're exaggerating. You're adding some other thing. You're trying to make it sound a little better or a little worse, whichever serves you better. That's what it is. That's what we do here. You're talking to your friends. It's very normal as far as I'm concerned.

But now you're doing it in relationship world. So you are, in fact, in a relationship in real life. Yes, I am. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm very excited. I'll show you guys a picture of her. She's great.

Super pretty. She's very smart. And I like her quite a bit so much so that i i love her i do love this girl and i'm very excited about her are you okay so you and you did drop the i did tell her that yeah and how did how did you do it that that was one important factor that we brought kind of tell you what um i'm sorry you might have mentioned the blog i just i haven't read no i didn't i didn't mention it in the blog. The blog kind of used that idea as a springboard for, uh, to become an essay on, on relationships

in a way. And then also on, on saying love and like, what is the proper time period to wait? Because if you think about it, the biggest reason to hold out on saying I love you is to maintain power in the relationship. And also because leverage. Yeah. You know, it's like already she has a lot of the power because unfortunately I've established a precedent where I typically pay for almost everything, including sending her home in Ubers whenever she comes over to visit me. I don't know how we got there.

Yeah. That's a really stupid idea. I don't trust her as an ambassador for my Uber rating. I don't know if she is racist towards these people she's driving with. Anyway. But without the idea of her racism, without knowing whether or not she is racist, you're still ready. Like, I love you. Yeah, I felt like I knew enough.

You can wake up tomorrow morning. She took your pillowcases off, cut holes in them, and she's just sleeping in that. Right. You're like, I already lose an L on her. Did you wait? I don't want to hurt her feelings, this KKK grand wizard. It's a great point. I'll roll with it.

And the important part is I haven't proposed, right? So love is not a contract. You know, it's words. Those are words. Spoken like a boyfriend. This is exactly my argument where I say love all the time. And I don't necessarily mean it, but I just say it. I've said I love you to, I don't know how many, I haven't kept track of it, but a fair amount of women while we're having sex.

How many guys when you have sex? That's different. As the first time? No, no, no, no, never the first time. If I'm fucked up and drunk and we're having sex, it's a passionate moment. Yeah, it might slip out. I don't go into it thinking, I'm going to tell her I love her during this. But sometimes you're just fucking doing stuff and you're like, I love you.

John slips in and it slips out. That's just how it basically goes. That's a great point. There's no time where it's harder to not say I love you than during sex. Right, exactly. I said on Friday's podcast that I, like, during sex, I might say anything. I might tell you I'll pay your student loans.

I don't know. I'll drop absolutely anything if I think it'll enhance the moment. Men should not be held accountable for what they say during sex. Right, exactly. It's like the same thing. We shouldn't have microphones on courts during games.

You know, it's like the heat of the moment. You're competitive, you're passionate, anything can fly out. And everyone participating understands that, but the people outside don't. Right. But what you guys are saying is very logical. I understand it, but we're men and girls are different. So it's not just

words to them and it's not something you just say in the heat of the moment. I don't think it's a man- woman thing i think i think it's uh i think there are some things that hold pretty true i mean yeah sure it may maybe maybe stereotypically speaking sure yeah if we want to generalize no doubt no we do i want to generalize but i think i think there are plenty of men who she loved me she said she loves me i'm definitely but i think overall in general i think let's make it more specific a couple of handsome men sitting here, right? And handsome men, we get it. If you're an uglier man, you get someone tells you they love you, you're in.

It's over. Well, also, I think that men typically lead the charge on saying it. They're the ones who break that boundary first. Not I, sir. Well, actually, at one time it was, yes. You're telling me that more women have dropped the L-bomb with you first than you have with them. When? No, it's me first.

When again, we're talking about. Yeah, I've said it many, many times. So I'm I guess I'm usually leading the charge. But in serious moments. No, not I'm not. I think it's more often guys, but it's almost much like a proposal. It's on the guy to do it, but the girl is waiting for it.

She's been thinking it for six months, and she's waiting to be able to tell her friends, Johnny said I love you last night. I don't think what happens is a guy being like, I love you, and a girl being caught off guard, like, oh, should I say it back or not? I think she's usually waiting for it. But the guy, you're right, might have to be the one to say it.

Now, in my defense, I had felt like saying this for a week leading up to it. And I was holding on for dear life. Out of the whole month you've been dating. Yeah. I'm obsessed with this girl. She's unbelievable. It's like it's such a weird world i i don't believe in love at first sight but i believe in love in first week okay i think you know right away i think you very i don't think

i'm walking by you on the street like i love that girl right but i think you you come to the understanding with yourself pretty quickly that this is either someone who is going to be the fuck out of my life very quickly or someone I want here for a long time. Yeah. And it's very fair because I spent three years after my like I've been in one serious relationship for seven years of my life. And then that ended about three, maybe three and a half years ago. And since then, I've dated a handful of women, you know, for months at a time, some some for six, eight months, whatever. And I did say I love you to one of them, some for six, eight months, whatever. And, uh, I did say, I love you to one of them,

but I don't think I meant it. Uh, it was just like, we'd been dating for four months. Time to say it. Right. I owed it to her. Right.

Um, entitled bitch that she was. And, uh, but the others, like there were women that I dated for, for significant periods of time, spent lots of time with that.

I never felt this even after like one week with this current girl. I did not feel that way after months of dating others. So, you know, that made me feel like I was more just in delivering. Now, how where did you do it? Well, we were clothed, which I think is important. And we were sober. So two very important control. Yeah. Yeah. I think is important. And we were sober. Two very important. Good control variables.

Yeah, yeah. And we were on my couch, and we were sort of making out. And we talk a lot. We talk in hushed tones about issues. Do you have a relationship voice? Kind of. Yeah, everybody does. Anybody who lies.

You got a dog voice? You said the other day when you talked to your dog, you have a voice. And you have a relationship voice. I don't think I do. You do. You might not realize it. You do. I write And you have a relationship. I don't think I do. You do. You might not realize it. You do. I write love letters to her.

Three years. I've got another one. I'm going to bug your apartment. I write love letters to her out loud to her face. As a writer, it's one of my favorite things to do. And she just eats it up. Oh, she can't handle herself. It's game over.

Speaking of, I wrote her something. Do you mind if I share herself. Oh, it's game over. Oh, speaking of, I wrote her something. Do you mind if I share this? I actually wrote her a poem. She listens to all your shit? She doesn't really, although she did read that blog yesterday

and I think that was the first one that she'd read. She just got a new job. Does she know Barstool? She does, but she doesn't consume our content,

which I think is for the best. But she might know. It's a good balance. I know who you are. I don't want to know who you are. I wrote her a poem, and I hope it's okay if you guys let me share it really quick. Sure is. Now, let me just say before you start, this is where I don't know. Right.

That's what I'm thinking. Or the end of it's going to be like he chops her head off and buries her in the basement or something. I never know. It's touching. We'll put romantic music under this. We'll set the tone. something. I never know with Francis. It's very, it's touching. I think you guys will like it. We'll put romantic music under this. We'll give you a little, we'll set the tone. Great.

Okay, it's called I Finally Have a Girlfriend. I finally have a girlfriend. I finally have someone. I finally feel great about my life. And finally I'm happy, so happy that I found her, that someday I may make her my wife.

Sometimes I think about how great it is to know I'd cry if a group of bad guys from Eastern Europe ever took her life. I'd weep for a day or two. I'd punch through a couple walls. But after that, I'd collect myself and I'd make a couple calls. I'd master my emotions. I'd channel all my hate. I'd learn Eastern European languages so that I could conversate. I'd summon the ancient spirits from the ruins at Machu Picchu. I'd achieve a black belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. I'd learn to change my skin tone to blend in with the night. I'd only walk on tiptoe in shadows out of sight. I'd rarely ever exhale. I'd shave all my body hair. There'd never be a trace of me, no disturbance in the air. And then I'd buy black market guns and knives with jagged sides. I'd learn to talk to animals so they could give me rides.

I'd hack into the NSA and memorize the locations of all the guys who killed my bride. I'm about to make castrations. I'd find them in a tiny hut, hiding in Mauritius. I'd speak to them as a friend so they don't feel suspicious. And just when they relax their guard, I pull out my silencer gun. I shoot them all right in the balls two by fucking one. I'd let them bleed out slow and nice as I

tickle them with my blade. That was for my lovely wife whose life you took away. Then I'd lay my blade on an open flame until the steel glowed red and I'd carve her name into their necks out of deference to the dead. I finally have somebody, somebody I like that much. I mean, like I said,

you never know where it's going to go. I fucking love Francis. He didn't kill her, but he killed everybody else. I wrote that for her last night. Is this going to be the first time she's heard it? If she listens to this, have but he killed everybody else. I wrote that for her last night. Is this going to be the first time she's heard it? If she listens to this, or have you said it to her?

I've never said it to her. I was really high when I wrote it last night. And I was thinking, that's how strongly I feel about her. If she died tomorrow, I'd learn all those skills and exact revenge. It's all incredible and very heartfelt and real, except you ain't blending in in the night ever, bro. No, that's true. Not in that. Not unless I did black No, that's true. Not in that.

Not unless I did blackface. Politically, I disagree with that. For her, I might step over that line. That's true love. I'd go blackface for you, babe. So, yeah, man, listen, you're in love. I think so. I wasn't sure if, you know. Did she?

What was the response? Yeah, what did she respond to? Yeah, she said, well, so I said it. I said so. I wasn't sure if, you know. Did she? What was the response? Yeah, what did she respond to? Yeah, she said, well, so I said it. I said it. I think I said, I love you, and I'm in love with you. Because those are two things. Yeah, which is a nice way to double down and cement the meaning. And she kissed me, and then she backed off for a second and looked at me and said, I love you as well.

Were you thinking in the moment she kissed you that maybe this is her way of stalling? No. Like there wasn't a moment where you said it and you were like I shouldn't have said that. You know it's one of those things where even if she hadn't said it back to me I would have been okay. Yeah. Because. Things are going well enough that

Yeah. If someone ever said it to you would you not reply it? I think no matter what yeah i might you might even lie you know i'll deal with this later yeah yeah probably i just just i mean look there's so many things in the world i do to avoid awkward silence and i'm not i'm not implying this no no no yeah i'm just saying if it if someone said i love you to me i'm saying i love you back yeah you, maybe I wouldn't go kill all those bad guys. Maybe she doesn't love me. No, but to your point, if, God forbid, a woman ever, like, proposed to me at Disney World, I would say yes.

And then after the fact, you're like, by the way, no. That's what I. We're not on the same page. Like in The Office, Diwali, when Michael proposes to Carol. Yeah. And is it Carol? Yeah, it's Carol. And she's like, can we talk about this in private? I'd just be like, yes. Yeah. And is, is it Carol? Yeah, it's Carol. And she's like, can we talk about this in private?

I was just like, yes. Right. Get the fuck in the other room. Right. That was bullshit. I mean, well, you know, to be honest,

if you are, if you ever find yourself in a position where you proposed and you don't know that it's a 100% yes coming, you're, I mean,

you're crazy. Like you have to, you can't surprise that. You have to know. Yeah. There's ever a chance that you're getting a no you do not well the question the other piece of that is that nowadays i feel like every guy i know is basically like planning it and then getting the fee the girls expectations for a ring oh yeah they're all making their own fucking ring yeah but you know what?

As much as that might take the romance out of it, if you're going to go drop like 20 grand on a ring, you need to know that you're going to get the right thing. It's just so practical now as opposed to romantic and spontaneous. Which makes more sense. I guess that's true. It takes the storytelling out of it and the fantasy out of it, but it makes more sense.

Life, unfortunately is not a movie. It's not a romantic comedy yet. And I think a lot of people realize that now, you know, people move in together out of financial reasons and people, you know, New York specific,

I feel like, but like, you know, that type of vibe where it's like, yeah, I'm in love with you, but also we have to be like logical about this yet. We all still, they all still feel like the proposal in the ring and all that needs to be like disney it's like right no if you want something specific fucking tell me i'm not

gonna play guessing game with the single largest expense i'm ever going to commit right now right uh so there is this level with saying it the question how you do it of practical and logical versus the romance of it all right it sounds like you were in that little happy medium where it's like it wasn't you know a fucking fireworks you know it was just i said it it was good we're good to go yeah that's that's ballsy too to just kind of look at her and kiss her and say i love you and i'm in love with you it's like you know there's other i think if we weren't having sex i think think I would say it. I don't, I probably said it with sincerity three times maybe. And I think every single time we were having fun.

There's something going on. I've always said that like sex. I love you. I don't even think like sex is like, I always, I like to laugh and like have fun during sex. And I think like, we're just like fucking around on the couch, like teasing each other. I'm like, I love you, sex. And I think we're just fucking around on the couch teasing each other. I'm like, I love you, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd probably even throw man on there.

You goofball. Goose. Because it's throwing a safety blanket out for yourself. It's like someone suicidal by a bridge and the fucking firefighters are throwing out that huge like fucking bouncy thing. Yeah. I'm jumping and then there's the NYPD below or the FDNY below with this huge fucking bag that's going to catch me just in case. I love you, bro.

I've always wanted to like mime a suicide attempt just for the sake of jumping into one of those things. It looks so fun. I'm just joshing. I'm just goofing around. I'm fine, guys. I don't need to go to the hospital. Is it ready? Here I come. goofing around. I'm fine, guys. I don't need to go to the hospital. Is it ready? Here I come. Take a picture.

Well, I'm happy it all worked out for you, man. It sounds like, you know, now and back to, you know, putting your business out there versus keeping quiet. You know, did she know that you wrote the blog on like ice dropping yeah has there been a conversation with you two about like i'm gonna put our personal lives out there you're okay with it was interesting actually we had a conversation earlier in the evening uh before i had planned to say that to her before i had any idea i was going to write the blog about who I am at Barstool and some of kind of like the running jokes that I have. A.K.A. you want to fuck Frankie. That and like, you know, like murdering women and like, you know, stuff like that.

And and I just said, look, what you have to understand is that there is a lot of uh character driven stuff and you should just assume that 100 of the things i say are said uh in jest for the sake of entertaining an audience and that imagine you know because she came to my stand-up show over the weekend and afterwards uh i was like you know what do you think which i shouldn't have asked and she was like i i loved it um you went some places that i i wouldn't have and i was like well well yeah of course you know like i'm a comedian that's why i'm on the fucking stage yeah and um you know and like i i i play with race i play with sexism i play with all these hot button tightrope issues. The average person, you don't expect them to.

Why would you? Right. So, you know, it's like I think she'll become – she seems very cool with it. Like she seems to get it. It'll be interesting to see if it wears on her. Keep an eye on it. That's what I'll say. to see if it wears on her. Keep an eye on it. And I think, yeah, for me, one of the more important things is like

that question of like, all right, will we ever post an Instagram where I tag you? And then that's a whole new level of like... I've never done that. I don't know if I ever will. Yeah, that, I mean, to me, that all unfolded in,

like I never had a moment where I was like, should I do this or not? Because when I did it, we were still pretty small time. There was nothing to worry about. And then all of a sudden, we're grandfathered into this life of, quote unquote, fame. And I, again, had I had a little more foresight, I probably would have had more conversations like that. And I wish I did, because it ended up kind of being our downfall. Especially our show. I mean, how many times was i ragging on married life and relationship life and and i would say 90 of them were all things that i think every guy has gone through right

you know and it's something 10 probably a little more tailored to her you know our personal situation but for the most part every time there was a fight i was like listen every girl fucks up the toothpaste tube it's not you i'm not making fun of you but i'm making fun of relationships but you know it used to like really upset and hurt her and i like i was always kind of like it's what i do for work just shut up just deal with it like why don't you get it and rather than kind of address it you know yeah so i mean i i have always thought it's kind of i mean best of luck to you but i think it's kind of crazy to try to do the relationship thing as Barstool currently is. But I think if you're going to do it, you have to do it like it's not normal.

It's just like you can't. That actually was my main downfall was that I tried to, I said to myself, I'm going to live a normal life. I'm going to get married at the normal time. I'm going to have kids. I'm going to like, I watched Dave kind of do his thing. And I was like, I don't want that. I'm going to just be normal.

And I just did not admit to myself that this life's not normal. It's just not. The job isn't. The life isn't. So you can't force normalcy into it. I think the picture is a big thing. I think that's where... Putting the face and the name out there. Because once, you can always have, I mean, I did it for, you know, however long

I did it where it's just like talking about. The girl. Right. Things in general. And it was always about a specific girl. But it was like for, you know, for a while, it was just like I had a girlfriend and I would just say like, ah, girls do this. And I left it very open and general.

And I don't think anyone even knew I had a girlfriend until I said I dumped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I left it very open. But I think I probably could have said my girlfriend for most of those. But I think once you add a picture and you can, you give everyone. Which girl it is. And it's not even really like, like fans or stoolies or fucking commenters, whatever the fuck you want to call everybody. I think it's, it's them.

Where no one understands the power. It's almost like staying, like, like Hurricane Florence is coming right now. And people are like, I got this. Don't worry about it. I'm fine. I'm boarded up. I'm good. And then a Category 5 hurricane comes, and you're like, holy shit.

I did not prepare for that. And I think everyone in the world kind of thinks, words don't bother me. I don't care what strangers say. The internet's not a big deal. And then it hits you, and you're like, holy fucking shit. That was really shitty. I did not realize what that was about. Right.

It'll, I mean, especially like you said, you know, your sense of humor is probably a little more in line with mine, where, you know, like Dan doesn't touch the topics we touch, so it's a lot easier, I would imagine. Right. But when you got, you know, your girl's in the crowd, and you're talking about, like, I tied her up with duct tape, it's a lot easier i would imagine right but when you got you know your girls in the crowd and you're talking about like i tied her up with duct tape it's like right i mean i one of the biggest things was i was when i was on comedy central and i made that joke about beyonce's pregnancy pictures like we had i had joked with her about like how pregnancy pictures are gross and weird but i was in our house you know and then i said it on tv with a pregnant wife and she was like what the

fuck dude i was like but we made those jokes but you can't you know i always try i i didn't i did not take the private to public well i think if you hold hands throughout the whole process and discuss it the whole time maybe you know it takes it'll take a special girl who can handle it but you have to be communicating the whole time. You just have to be, yeah, exactly, so clear about it. And I think for me, it's either saying, like, don't watch anything I do. Or don't look or watch anything I do unless you are sure that you can understand. Just take it all as fiction take it all 100% as a one

man show on Broadway I'm an actor it's been scripted for me and if you came and saw me do that performance you would never be like oh my god you talked about rape and murder and all this and you just laugh that really who you are no that was the first thing I told my mom when I was at Barstool.

I said, if you're going to read it, read it as the kind of person that, I believe it's a dated reference. I believe I said, you know, Angelina Jolie doesn't get mad when Brad Pitt kisses another woman because she gets that it's part of the thing. So I told my mom, if you're ever going to look at Barstool, get that. And the thing is, it's a little different. I guess I'm... Yeah, but you know what?

It's funny you use that example. Because, like, Angelina Jolie stole away Brad Pitt kissing on a movie. You know what I mean? So, like, you can say these things, but human nature really is, like, an element. To me, it started to blend. So, when I'd be like, yo, it's just a character. And it's like, well, I listened to the podcast the other day and that was everything you said was a hundred percent true.

So where is it? And then it's like the, the worlds really do start to blend where, you know, it's not a character. It's more like an exaggerated truth or things that I, I've been thinking the whole time. I just don't say out loud to you.

And it's like Justin Timberlake and alpha dog. If I was going to be an actor, it's that. Cause Justin Timberlake and alpha Dog just played Justin Timberlake He was just a cool dude He was a different name He had some character differences But largely

And that's kind of how I think we are Very largely the same person Sometimes we'll say things that we typically wouldn't Like to get a laugh Or sometimes we'll exaggerate a truth here and there But very largely, it's me. But that's where I think the girls are like, I'm not, I'm not buying that. It's a character routine. Cause like you said, it's mostly you.

And then, you know, all of a sudden I always played the card too. I was like, I guarantee you, you know, cause we'd be like, Oh, my friends are like, you know, so upset. We're so appalled with what you said. I'm like, I fucking talk to her husband all the time he thinks the same fucking thing I'm just a dummy who says it out loud so it's good luck Francis

it's going to be an interesting world that you navigate through but I'm happy that you're in love and I'm happy that she said it back and I'm happy that you found someone that you would murder Eastern European men for sure sure I can't wait to come back in a couple weeks and talk about how it's over. We'll let you know how the breakup goes.

Alright, man. Good luck.