KFC Radio - Quickie: Lunchables

Episode Date: August 27, 2018

The infamous Hank sandwich story, Lunchables are fire except for the pizza Lunchable, bologna, yellow American cheese, white trash food, the middle school cafeteria war stories, bags of milk, elementary schools stink, borrowing money from other kids for snacks, Feitelberg's bag of fruit, accidentally bringing beer to school, Mountain Dew: Code RedYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's a Monday edition of KFC Radio. Today we're talking about lunchtime. Last week, we were making fun of our boy Hen Easy. We brought up the infamous sandwich incident. For those who don't know, let's just recap that. Because that's one of the more ridiculous things anybody's ever done. Fights and Hen Easy, many, many many years ago were splitting 2015 that's a long time ago man dude

like that was like we were like already good friends then so like we probably like it's just weird just seeing numbers like how long we've been doing this yeah that was almost four years ago well three years ago and you were probably like five years in yeah that's four years uh four years in but hank was probably two years in. But it's still crazy. Like Hank started in 2013 probably. That's wild. So you guys went to the beach.

You were splitting a sandwich. Yeah. And like the sandwich itself got roasted, which is fair. I mean, we were driving to the beach. We were hungover. We knew we were about to start drinking again. Drove by 7-Eleven. We're like, let's get a sandwich.

Right. Grab one of those pre-made sandwiches, right? It was just, it was. That's gross. That's fine. But what Hank did was subhuman. Crazy. There was some mustard on the sandwich that he

wanted to avoid. Usually you split a sandwich, you cut it down the middle, you give half and half, six inches, six inches like a Subway sandwich, but the mustard was painted down the side, like the inside of the sandwich, so Hank just took bites of the top of the sandwich long ways. And it turned into like this little,

like it was, it was hard to describe over audio. I have to put out a picture. It was like rolling Hills. Yes. Like you couldn't even buy like overlap the vibe, like overlap the bites. At least make it a clean cut in the middle.

It was like chomp. Then he moved over chomp. It was like, he ate, he ate it like a corn on the cob but he left space in between each bite because he didn't want to touch any of the mustard and then he just handed it to john like here's your half of the sandwich and it's not like that wasn't a rare thing for hank that's just how hank eats things with condiments on i guess because ria texted me this as soon as she saw it that it was an old picture that she had, and it's just,

he did the same thing to her sandwich. He didn't take as many bites, but he did the same thing to her sandwich. He said, who the fuck eats like this? Deal breaker. So this is Hank's style. Hank eats like a madman.

He does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. And then as we were making fun of him, he tweeted, like, I see that my eating habits are getting roasted. Well,

look at what I'm eating right now. However, everybody, I think almost everybody. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it was a genius play if he knew this was coming. I don't know if he was trying to make fun of himself. But yeah, right into just the Lunchables discussion. Because, yeah, he was eating a Lunchable. And we were all in on that.

I Instagrammed it when I was coming home from Nashville, I think. That's what I got in the airport for my flight. Dude, Lunchables are that fire. They're so, so good. Except I don't like the pizza one. The pizza one's ridiculous. It's just like, here's a little shitty piece of dough, and you spread the fucking cheese, non-melted cheese, and some marinara on the stick.

Those are trash. I think we might have liked it. I think it came out when we were kids. That was the new thing to us. The novelty was, oh, you're going to make your own pizza, but it sucks. So people have that nostalgia factor with it. It's not good. I mean, I tweeted that they stink, and I quickly retracted,

and I was like, I'm sorry, that was a little over the top. No, not harsh enough. And then that day, just because I had a hankering for him, I went to the market to get. A market. It's funny that he says that, right? Everyone, everyone churs me for that. That's what your grandma says. I've always called the market.

That's what my mom says. I gotta go to the market. The market. Okay. But so I went to the market and they only had pizza once. And I really wanted a Lunchable, so I got it. Trash. They're really not good.

I mean, imagine if you went and ordered pizza somewhere and they gave you a cold, dry piece of dough with non-melted cheese and some shitty marinara. You'd be like, fuck this. And they're like, they're, they're so bad.

They're just so, so you got to get the lunch meat. You know, you know, some people cook them. What? Like put them in the oven. Get out of here.

Go get yourself some some like it went viral go get yourself some pizza bagels or something then you know right right right pizza bites come on i like the bologna i'm going straight back to elementary school like if we're gonna do it i'm gonna do it big i'm going with lunchable i'm going oscar meyer bologna and to be honest sometimes i don't even make the little sandwiches with the crackers. I just kind of go individual and eat it all. Oh, no. Kevin. Kevin. You gotta have more respect for yourself. No.

The cheese, first of all, is just great. The cheese is just a little block of American cheese. You can eat that straight up. I'll eat the cheese and cracker. I don't really feel the need to put the bologna on there. I'll go cheese and cracker and then I'll pop the bologna. It's rare that I like the cheese because I have a very strong hate for yellow American

cheese. You're one of those, huh? I had a poor friend as a kid and his mom, it was like I didn't like eating in his house anyway because it was just dirty. You know what I mean? That probably means he only had like six bedrooms. Final Burst was coming from his yacht on the fucking

beach to this house that he'd only had two bentley's and and he uh and like his mom always made him with american with yellow american cheese and i just always associated with like a dirty kitchen out of my i've made a career out of arguing over stupid stuff nonsensical stuff where there's no right or wrong having a preference over white or yellow cheese is ridiculous. They don't taste the same. Yellow American cheese is white trash. You can't do backflips. You're white trash.

You don't know karate. You can't do backflips. You eat yellow American cheese. You're white trash, Mac. Just accept it. No, there's no difference. The little yellow block is fine with me. Crackers, fine. And the bologna, you know what's crazy?

If I were ever to get just like regular bologna, if you gave me like Oscar Meyer, like the bit, like full size from like that same ripped open plastic thing, I'd be like, ah, trash. You got to square stamp it. You put it down into a little Lunchable. Amazing. The nostalgia factor through the roof i'm all in i'm a ham guy and again i i'm a ham and yellow american trees guy

i think both of those things are white trash you put them in a lunchable box i mean golden right golden so good it's it's all about the packaging it's all about the memories it's all about the nostalgia you're in the cafeteria i mean that was cool that was you might have had a blank check the cafeteria when you had those things oh my might have had a blank check in the cafeteria when you had those things oh my god who's trading for what you could be like

everyone give me all of your food yup and then just throw it away in purpose yup then I guess at one point they put like a bag

of M&M's in there right yeah they had like a M&M's like a dessert mini bag of Skittles yeah one peanut butter cup

yeah um I feel like maybe a Capri Sun or something like that Capri Sun oh yeah definitely a Capri Sun in there yeah I don't even think they sell Capri Sun or something. Capri Sun. Oh, yeah. Definitely a Capri Sun in there.

Yeah. I don't even think they sell Capri Suns in boxes anymore. I think you just- Solo. You have to get it on Lunchables. You got to get it on Lunchables. I might get back in on Lunchables. The problem is-

I get them all the time. I get that. But you need three of them right now, right? I eat them as a snack. They have them at the 7-Eleven right here. I get them all the time. Yeah? Okay.

They're very good. So that's just, yeah, it's not like a lunch anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't sustain you, but it's a delicious little, I mean, it's a good snack. If you were making an adult Lunchable, what would you put in it? Lunchable. Same thing, right? Yeah.

Nothing's really changed. It would be an adult Lunchable box, and you open it, and it's just a little Lunchable box. Remember, did you have a lunch box? Like, did you carry one to school? I'm sure I did at some time. I was usually a brown bag kid. Yeah, I mean, I was a brown bag kid once you became, like, I don't know, like, first, second grade. Once you were, like, trying to be cool.

But early going, kindergarten, first grade shit, you were, like, just giving whatever your mom had. The smell that your lunchbox carried, it doesn't matter what you had for lunch. You could bring peanut butter. You could bring deli sandwiches. You could bring whatever. Eventually, that all just, it was just an amalgam of the same smell that every lunchback time. Dude, lunch at school, too, was kind of one of those things, almost like braces and casts,

where it wasn't good, but you wanted to be one of the poor kids. You felt left out that you weren't paying a nickel for some milk. Yo, when I saw people come out with a hot meal, I was like, what is that? You're getting almost like a dinner right now. That's probably awful. I want some. I actually had this line in my blog because I thought about it when I wrote about being the Monday Off kid. The concoctions they would put, what they did to your stomach.

I had just bad shit until I was like 15. There's like, here's like an egg salad sandwich and some lasagna. What? I remember a chicken patty, some meat potatoes, some mashed potatoes. The chicken patty was fire. And a chocolate milk. Don't hate the chicken patty though. No, no, no, no, no.

I used to love. I'll eat a chicken patty right fucking now. We kind of basically do with Omaha steaks, chicken fried patties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told this the other day. I had a little mustard and ketchup. Forget it. A stale bun.

Oh, buddy. Now, I've told this before. Have you ever been in a lunch cafeteria recently? No. It's just like elementary schools as a whole just smells so bad. Yeah, so terrible. I mean, again, everyone's like farting out that meal they just had. We had good lunches in high school.

Yeah, I had good lunches in high school. But we didn't get meat on Fridays. Fish Fridays every Friday at Catholic school. That's ridiculous. You want to talk about bad smells? Yeah, it was bad. A whole fucking high school with fish for Friday? Peanut butter and jelly is all I ate on Friday.

We had this period of time in our elementary school, and I think we're like the only one in the world, where we had bags of milk. Ew, what are you, Canadian? It was so weird. It came in like a square pouch. Imagine like a little. You had a Capri Sun milk.

Yeah, but it wasn't like a, it was more floppy than that. Like, you know, a Capri Sun kind of, you could like stand it up. Yeah, yeah. This was like a Ziploc bag filled with milk, but it was sealed. And you had to like hold down the one side so that the milk would smush to the other side and you grab this we had like a fucking seminar on how to open these things because we're in like second grade you can barely like tie your shoes it was by just ripping them open just filling everywhere you had to like put your thumb over the top of the the um straw and the bottom of the straw had like a point

and you had to pop pop it. And it was What an outrageous idea. Outrageous. I think it had to do with like it was, you know, saved like so much space rather than having the cartons. It was just like bags on top of each other. But we used to just throw them against the wall. Throw them in the air. Yeah, I mean it was chaos because we had

bags of milk. I mean the boxes of milk were hard enough in themselves. Remember, maybe you would do the fold and then if you didn't, you couldn't get it out, you had to do the other side of it. It was, the boxes of milk were hard enough in themselves. Maybe you would do the fold, and then if you couldn't get it out, you had to do the other side of it. It was basically just one big square that was open. Yeah, drinking that out of cartons, I was like, what is this? The Great Depression? Come on. But yeah, the bag of milk

era in my school was something. You know what else happened in my school? If Seth Geller is out there listening, fuck you, Seth Geller. Seth Geller was this kid, I guess I was in third third grade he was in second or I was in fourth and he was in third something like that I was a year or two older than him and I wanted to get one of those

big cookies you ever have those in the cafeteria no thanks we had like big soft cookies they were just fucking fire chocolate chip cookies they were like 65 cents and I bought my lunch I brought my lunch whatever I didn't have any other money and I asked this kid if he had any extra change he's like

you got any change I want to go get a fucking cookie I don't even remember what happened next thing I know I'm back in class and I get called out to the principal's office

and this kid said I was shaking him down for money like I was fucking robbing him I'm crying in the principal's office like what the fuck are we talking about here I didn't

I just asked him for like 25 cents. Fuck you, Seth Geller. Probably. We were probably throwing a bag of milk at him and like picking on him or some shit. Probably have the absolute wrong memory of it all. The cafeteria was a free for all man.

It was like, it was like recess in with food. I used to get, um, fruit. My mom would always put a piece of fruit in my bag, a pear. She started with apples.

I hate apples. So quickly it evolved to pears. But I don't eat fruit. The fuck am I? You know what I'm saying? I'm vegan. And what am I? Healthy.

And so I would just, I would, this is when I had a lunchbox. So I would have to bring it home every day. And I would just hide the pear in my bag, in my backpack. So those rot so i just had a fruit a graveyard of rotting fruit at the base of my backpack so i didn't want my mom to see it it was like it would like get all over my textbooks and stuff like that it was disgusting but like you couldn't just throw the fruit i don't know why i thought but that would be wasteful to throw it away. And there are starving kids in Africa.

Maybe I'll eat it later. Oh no, it's covered in maggots. Gross. And like she knew, but she just wouldn't check my bag. So like after six weeks, she'd be like,

your bag is leaking. What's in it? And it'd just be like 40 pairs. I was basically, I was carrying around like a ruck pack. I was a fucking marine in second grade just bags full of fuck

Johnny Appleseed yeah I mean let us know what's your favorite lunch time what was what was the did you ever

did you ever fill up the thermos did you ever like bring a drink in the thermos that's a ridiculous I think I I think I did did you like

take the cup out and like pour it you know how the top was actually a cup yeah yeah yeah no I didn't do that I think I've definitely brought one of those before I don't do it regularly. Did you like, take the cup out and like pour it? You know how the top was actually a cup? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't do that. I think, I've definitely brought

one of those before. I don't know what I would have had in it. Maybe chocolate milk in the winter. Hot chocolate in the winter. I don't know. I definitely brought,

it wasn't a regular thing, but I brought it a time or two. One time I brought a beer. I didn't, it was unwittingly. Oh, I think. My mom just like packing our fridge.

You know, they had like the thing where you can, the fridge just had like the thing full of cans. Yeah. You just kind of grab the one on the bottom. My dad had put his beers in yeah. My mom just like packing our fridge. You know, they had like the thing where you can, the fridge just had like the thing full of cans. Yeah. You just kind of grab the one on the bottom.

My dad had put his beers in there and it was just like mixed up with like our juices and stuff like that. So just didn't think, just popped it in. This kid doesn't come

to school on Monday and he's bringing beer on Tuesdays. Yeah, yeah. We got to sit DSF. Called Child Perfective Services. His fucking,

his family life at home with his father isn't good. We live together. Principal was shocked when he heard that. He's like isn't good. We live together. Principal was shocked when he heard that. Wait, you guys live together? I live at home with both my parents and my babysitter locked in the basement. What was the hierarchy? Lunchables were king.

I think so. Lunchables were king i think so lunchables were king uh i mean as far as if you just have like an individual like a bomb ass like fucking candy bar or something for your like dessert then fine if you were that you were the president's son yeah i used to get like i would have like like a little you know like a little sleeve of like the six mini donuts like a little hostess sort of thing you've been on that shit forever i huh? I mean, that was sometimes lunch. Sometimes it wasn't even dessert. I was just eating donuts.

But as far as the actual lunch, Lunchables were that shit. Yeah, for the full. But I mean, everything. You can go individual. If you had like fruit roll-ups. You know, fruit roll-ups were gushers. Shark snacks? Shark bites?

You ever have those? Nah, I mean, like I'm sure. With the great white? Oh my God, when you had a great white? Oh, that was unbelievable because those definitely tasted different. Like the high Cs. I was big on drinks. I was big on the Ecto Cooler was obviously king.

Those twist things were so good. Kool-Aid Bursts. Were those Kool-Aid Bursts? Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, because the bottle looked like the Kool-Aid, man. Yep, and you snapped the little top. I actually didn't love those, and I didn't mind trading those.

I would get a better. I would one-off on that drink would want to buy low on those. Yeah, yeah. Bring those in intentionally to trade them. Do you remember when Hawaiian Punch dropped a blue? That was big. You might have been too young for that, because it was early on for me. They had red, and they had an orange, but everyone was like, it was red, red, red, red, red.

And then all of a sudden, blue came out, and I was like, yo. So I was big on the drinks. There was a time when we were like the 90s. I like drinking. It was a precursor to my life. Oh, yeah. There was a time when we were young where like drinks, they decided like the 90s was the time to experiment with drinks. Yeah.

Yeah. Like Pepsi clear. And you had all these fucking weird. Pepsi was wild. That's when they started with the Red Mountain Dew. That might have been later. I forget. But they had, they're just like, we're going to put dye in it.

People are going to go crazy about this. Yeah, yeah. It's very. Well, we're going to boost our third quarter sales by just putting some food coloring in it. It works. We're going to go crazy. It works. No doubt, man.

Change the packaging. Sure. Yeah. Whatever. That's all it takes. And even Capri Sun. Put this shit in a silver pouch. It's so perfectly cyclical too because you can just like

you'll make a nostalgia one but you make a future one throwback yeah absolutely throwbacks like but I think Miller Lite or Coors Lite

had like a throwback can like last summer I was like gotta have them absolutely why? because we're dumb that's why

people are stupid Lunchables still doing their thing Narragansett did that too they did like the Jaws cans yeah that Quinn is crushing yeah it works every time every single time change the color change the packaging remind me of my childhood Lunchables, still doing their thing. Narragansett did that too. They did the Jaws cans. The ones that Quinn is crushing.

Yeah. It works every time. Every single time. Change the color, change the packaging, remind me of my childhood, and I'm in. Done. Remind us of your childhood. Tweet at us at KFC Radio.

All your lunchtime memories, all your lunchtime favorites, what you would trade for, what you liked, what you didn't like. If you hit any rancid... Were you one of the kids that would do anything for a nickel? No, I was probably the guy who was like... Yeah, I was. Don't you fucking of the kids that would do anything for a nickel? No, I was probably the guy who was like, why don't you fucking lick the ground?

I was the kid, just like a bunch of ones. All right, what are we doing today? I was Frank in the basement. Who's going to enter? Which one of you plebeians is going to entertain me at lunch today? We used to have long lunch tables and then there were circle seats. You had those, right? Did you ever kick the bottom of those?

I'm sure I did. They used to pop. They didn't pop off but they would make this loud-ass fucking echoing sound. It wasn't just the sound of your foot. It was something that the thing came out of the fucking holster or whatever and it would make this pop noise and echo throughout the whole fucking cafeteria. So we would just kick them like we would just stand up

and then like the lunch lady like a lunch monitor or whatever would be sit back down wow it was the best just kicking seats causing chaos it was just so much it was so much we used to i was like the first kid to get a cell phone oh wow and so it's probably like you know 1992 i got it in middle school it was like seventh grade kid to get a cell phone. Oh, wow. It's probably like, you know, 1992. I got it in middle school. It was like seventh grade. And we used to, during assembly, like when you walked in in the morning and you saw the assembly was set up, we would just go take my phone and we'd tape it under a desk and it was called. And everyone would kind of look around and it's like, kids are like, I don't have a phone.

Well, it's coming from you, bro. The whole thing just stayed. Great. We used to do it. I mean, we did it more in high school. We did phone. I was coming from you, bro. The whole thing just stared at me. That's great. We used to do it. I mean, we did it more in high school. We did it a couple times in middle school, too. High school, we used to do it all the fucking time. Any play, call.

Fucking call. Because we had to go to the play. It was a requirement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every season, you had to go to the play. And it would just cause chaos the whole time. Did you ever do Mischief Night? No.

Or on Halloween, did you fuck around? Nah, I've never been a prankster. I would pay people to drink chocolate milk and mashed potatoes, but I wasn't really an exploiter. Yeah, I was a manipulator. I wasn't really a pranker. Next quickie, we'll talk about my exploits as a prankster and a trickster

and any sort of vandalism we once did as youths. Oh, very good. We'll be back tomorrow for a full length episode, a vandalism quickie on Wednesday.