KFC Radio - Quickie: Out Of Office

Episode Date: April 25, 2018

KFC and Feits back in the bar to discuss the list of stipulations a girl gave to her boyfriend that went viralYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Alright, it's out of office with the Beta Boys. We're heading to the bar for today's quickie. Today's quickie is brought to you by Sherry's Berries from Mother's Day. I'm a big-time mama's boy. Always have been, always will be. Gotta make sure I take care of my mom on Mother's Day, so I'm going to get her a delectable treat, not just something to look at, not just some generic gift that every mom gets. I'm talking about delicious chocolate-covered berries that she's going to enjoy. It's going to put a smile on her face.

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$19.99, and you can double it up for just $10 more. So that's berries.com. Click on the mic, enter KFC, and you get fresh berries for Mother's Day. All right. It's a KFC Radio Quickie Live. We're on location. We're easing our way back into the little Saturday stuff maybe. We got garbage trucks driving by. We're back at the bar.

It's been so quiet the whole time. I know. And then as soon as we start recording, we're at a bar that John used to go to with his ex-girlfriend a lot. So that's fun for him. Oh, we're going to do that, huh? Man, you know. Okay.

Figure we'll spice it up. I didn't realize we were going to do that. That was blindsided. Well, you know, everybody can relate to that, John. And that's what we do here. We're relatable. Yeah. I haven't been back here in a long time. Is it bad? It's not bad, no.

That's Joel McHale, this shit. What do you think of the Joel McHale aftermath? I mean, we got more, we got a bigger response on Joel McHale than we have any of the last two months. People really liked him fucking with me. You know what I think it is, though? Joel McHale didn't like us.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that all day. I'm like, did he hate us or did he like us? I don't think he hated us, but he certainly didn't like us. He doesn't want to see us again. But we didn't do anything to him. No, we didn't. But I think that's almost worse. It's like if I said something, I'd be like, oh, well, yeah, he didn't like when I said this.

He just took a look at us and was like, these people suck. Yeah. And so everyone loving the episode where we got absolutely trashed, not great for the self-esteem. Great for the downloads, not great for the self-esteem. Really, my self-esteem is tied right to the downloads. That's true. So in a way, we kind of just cancel out. Like that episode, we're even.

It's like a lot of downloads, horrible for the self-esteem. Meet you in the middle. We'll call it a day. I'm such a whore for the horrible for the self-esteem, meet you in the middle, and we'll call it a day. I'm such a whore for the content. Me too. Oh my God, I'll do anything. I will come into this bar

and totally sandbag my friend and bring up his ex-girlfriend for the content. I know no bounds. My love life is, it's been getting in a tough go lately. It has not been,

let me tell you, as someone who knows firsthand, the world of romance and barstool content goes together like oil and water, and I'm watching you do it now. And I got to be honest, misery loves company. See, that's what I was kind of like. Yep. Figure it out, John.

Figure it out, John. When I had, like, the girlfriend I came to this bar with all the time, like, that was just a secret. Lock and key. Lock and key. Nobody knew that one. And then it was easier. It was difficult in the relationship because it's like, why are you hiding me?

But it was easier in life. And now we have like A-list celebrities finding out things and really grilling me on stuff. Not easy, dude. No. What you have to do is just, well, you know, we'll get to the quickie topic here. Okay. Because there's really no answer. Today we're talking about the list of sex stipulations that went viral.

This chick listed out nine guidelines to good sex with her based on the previous encounter, which apparently went poorly. So she wrote out an official list in her girly handwriting, which is picture perfect. I mean, look at the headline. It's written in, like, calligraphy. Oh, wow. I mean, she, like, broke out the calligraphy pen

to write sex stipulations. I wanted to learn calligraphy when I was a kid. Me too. I think I had a calligraphy pen at one point. I think I did too, yeah. And I just wrote, like, normal with it, you know? Calligraphy's cool as shit. That was one of those things that was definitely on my list, like be able to fucking write

fire calligraphy. What are you going to do with that? What if I was just running around like third grade being like, check this out, fire calligraphy, guys. I can't even write anymore. No, I can't either. Oh my God. If you look at like my rundown list, like the few times that I have to scribble things

down, I write down notes for an interview. Like, I can't read it back. I'm like, wait a minute. What was I going to ask him? I can't even read it. And it's not cursive. It's just literally, like, write the words. I can't do it anymore.

Because, I mean, it makes sense. Like, I haven't written anything since, like, high school. And back then, like, middle school, we used to take notes like a motherfucker. Yeah. Like, full chalkboards of notes. I would just write it down like at the same exact speed as the teacher. I actually took notes in college too. I was never a nerd.

I was never a laptop guy. When you were in Pike. Yeah. That was a great moment. Oh, you were in a frat too? Joel McHale says this. No, he just said, in what fraternity were you in? Yeah, and he was like, Pike.

That was great. Yeah, I mean, I can't write anymore. I can't really do math anymore. Oh, math is. I can't remember things anymore. I'm just an idiot. I always wanted to. I need to get on my OMAX.

I need to start taking my OMAX natural supplement to get my brain back because it's getting ugly. The only thing I remember i i'll give myself this i remember what i need to remember like i'll remember facts about like a 90s tv show for a blog i'll remember like a tv character's name and what happened in the show like how he died yesterday but like yeah what'd you have for lunch i don't know what who like won this war i don't know us we won a lot of wars didn't we like didn't we win almost all of them except for Vietnam? I'm not sure. Forget about it. Vietnam actually wasn't a war.

What? What do they call it? We haven't been at war. We're not at war right now. Get the fuck out of here. We're at war. Every day is a war. Congress has to declare war. They haven't. See, you remembered that. I didn't even... So let's get into the sex stipulations list.

It says, due to our last encounter, it is necessary to abide by these boundaries. So keep in mind that everything she lists here means that he did these things the last time they smashed. And it was a disaster. Number one, no discussing the following topics while you are inside me. And this is a list. So it's number one with a list of a subset of six things. No discussing your sister, your mother, your ex-girlfriend, other girls that you are fucking, your depression,

or fundamentals of computer science. I think you went like five for six there, John. I can see a scenario where you're talking about these things. Certainly your depression. I don't know about fundamentals of computer science. I didn't know what topics were going to come up on the subset there. I can get down with the mother

and the sister and the ex-girlfriends and the current girlfriends being off limits. Yeah. But I like to talk while I'm inside you. Yes, you do. And you like to make... I like to talk while I'm inside you and I say, yes, you do. That's not good. It's not helping the rumors.

But you like, you've always said you like, you know, you like to fucking clown around. You like it to be goddamn comedy hour when you're having sex with a girl. I think trying to be good at sex and like having like, well, don't try it. Like, I'm sexy. That's not sexy. Yeah, but maybe you could find a middle ground where you shut your fucking mouth, don't talk about your mom or your sister, and you don't try to be like Casanova. I won't talk about my mom or my sister.

I will be talking about my depression. It's almost all I do. Even if it's like referencing how at the moment you're not depressed. Like, oh my God, my depression's gone for a brief fleeting second. This is actually bringing me happiness. I hope that I'm not depressed after I come. Yeah, I'll say something like that. Sure.

I might throw that out there. Your vagina cures depression. Number two, no hickeys. This just needs to be a universal rule. I don't need you sucking on me, John. No. I don't mind a hickey. John.

I've given the occasional one. I don't mind getting them. I do not need you sucking on my skin until blood vessels pop. I think it's funny. I think it's like a trophy. On the neck? On the visible spot? Check what I did last night.

No. No. When you're in, like, high school. Nah. Not now. You want to roll into Barstool HQ with a hickey right now? It's like Borat jokes. They're funny again.

It's good. We're bringing it back. Yeah, hickeys are cool again. No doubt. No doubt. I love a good hickey, man i do this does not get the ksc radio cosign we'll go one for two on this one nah man decide suck my neck you can give me a hickey like on my dick i don't want it anywhere visible i feel like that would hurt it sting a little bit no probably but you know 2018 you know, 2018, you got to.

Oh, man, I got this black eye that won't go away. I don't want bruises anywhere else. My black eyes are kind of bad, so you look a little not good. It's just, like, yellow. You know what it just makes? It already accentuates my, like. Jaundice. Yeah.

Like, my drinking face is kind of shining through now. And it's not getting better because i'm pretty sure my body like doesn't know how to respond to trauma anymore like an old irish wife you look like oh my husband came home after a few too many whiskeys last night just bruised me up i drink in the morning i hope to hold all the pain when he gets home oh my god you look like an old irish wife is the meanest he gets home. Oh, my God. You look like an old Irish wife is the meanest thing anyone's ever said about my appearance. Ooh, giant pretzel in the building.

Thank you. Cool, cool, cool. Hanging from this hook is very dramatic. Thank you. Mmm, also feels super stale. Mmm. It's a hot buster. Oh, yeah.

That's like... Very hot mustard. See, luckily me and my ex-girlfriend used to come here so I could give you that warning. You would have put a whole lot of mustard in your mouth there. Oh, yeah. Oh, I usually could take the hot mustard. Could not take that hot mustard there. Made the nose hurt extremely a lot.

Okay, back to the topic at hand. So I'm out on hickeys. John's in on hickeys because he's a child. Number three. I actually had a hickey on my chest the other day. I liked it. That poor girl. Number three, no jizzing, which is just great.

No jizzing on my body and or face without fair warning and or permission. This is a pretty good rule to live by in general. I don't think you can just run around willy-nilly coming on people. But I'll tell you this much. I'm going to say something that's going to be problematic. Yeah? I think permission really takes the wind out of your sails. I think asking for permission kills the mood.

Definitely. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Problematic. I went there, KFC Radio, where consent is an option and not an option. I'm just saying, like, you know, coming on someone is a lot of fun. But, like, asking for permission first is not. But, you know, don't straight up ask for permission. You just, like, I've never understood that in movies, like, where they, like, surprise come and stuff like that.

Like, you just alert your lover to the fact that you're coming, and then they will provide further instruction. Well, that's why I think when she says, give me fair warning, that I understand. On me, in me, wherever. Right, but that's what I mean. What if she doesn't do that? Then you make an executive decision, right, and you let it fly. I will say this.

It can never be on their face unexpectedly no that has to be very much agreed upon and or something that has been done many times before yeah but i think if you just surprise on the stomach or something or the back come on it's 2018 grow up yeah that's i would i would guess it i guess if it's if it's with a a continued lover because like you just randomly come on someone who's like, dude, like, I don't even want to fuck you. We got drunk. I don't even know you. I want you to fucking spunk on me.

I hear that. But that's also the time where you're like, well, I don't really care what happens. I'll never see you again. True. That's a problematic topic for us. Bottom line, you've got to give some signals, you know, just like some heavy noises and panting and like, okay, it's happening. Just straight up say it.

Say, I'm coming. And then when she says nothing, then you're fair game to do whatever you want. Yeah. But not the face. I've actually, I've had this happen to me before. It's the opposite, where I like didn't come on her because it was, like, the first time I had sex. And I got in trouble. Did you cum in her?

No, I just pulled out and, like, shot down. Oh. And she was kind of like, you wasted it. She was like, what the hell? What the hell? Okay. Now I know next time. And that's what we call a down-ass bitch.

Hang on to that one. Number four. This one kind of confuses me. No fingering. That's child's play. Ah, fuck that. I love a good finger. Bro.

Finger you, finger me. I was going to say, give, receive, like whatever, dude. You know? That's a coin flip. What would you rather do, give or receive fingering? I don't know. I'm not quite sure. Dude, I'll tell you what. I haven't been meaning to say this for a little while.

Oh, here we go. Here we go. The ladies of pornography are in such peak physical condition. When they finger for a long time, when they're just hammering each other, I got a good – I can finger for about as long as I can sprint. Because you're tired, right? 30 seconds max. Toast. Toast.

Toast. My forearms are burning. My goodness, it's crazy. I mean, I've been sore afterwards. I'm tired right there. I'm tired. What was that fingering? Five seconds?

Five seconds. I was like, two seconds. I'll finger you for seven strokes, and then I'm going to bed. Then I'm taking a fucking nap. John fingers you for literally literally those four seconds, and he's like, did you cum? Are you done? Well, I don't know.

Figure it out. I never asked that. That's on you. I never ask. It's like a lawyer. You don't ask a question. You don't already know the answer. I mean, while, yes, it's very hard,

it's still my go-to to manipulate you. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, listen, the fact that you're supposed to manipulate you, the fact that you are supposed to make someone come with your penis is so unfair. We just attach this, like, stiff tube to the middle of your body, and the only way you can manipulate that thing is to wiggle your hips. We are white, man. We are not good at that.

It's crazy, too. In football, you're always taught to watch someone's hips because it's the hardest part to move. That's what I have to use here? That's the part where I can't juke you out. I'm watching you with the hips. That's the one thing I don't have, like, a lot of control over. Hips don't lie.

And my hips stink. So, the fact that I have to use that to try to do the most difficult physical thing in the world? No way. Meanwhile, I got these two hands. I got fucking eight fingers and two thumbs that I can do all sorts of shit with. Okay, thumb with the clit.

Oh, boy. Goodness gracious. It's like I'm wearing the Nintendo Power Glove. I'm a wizard. And you got two hands. You push down with the stomach on the one. You fucking go up and down. Not in and out. Up and down with the other one. I mean, I need all. It's a full body effort if I'm going to get you to the finish line.

So no fingering. That's child's play. Sounds like you're getting fingered by a child. Yeah. No fingering is a grown man's game, okay? Fingering is a situation where guys are like, it's going to be this or nothing. My tongue is going to cramp up. My dick's certainly not going to get it done.

Let me use my arms. It's not fingering. It's arming. It's a whole thing. All upper body strength. Number five. The back door is locked. Well, that's a pretty clear-cut answer from her,

but that ain't going to get you far in 2018. Yeah. I mean, it's fair. You're allowed to make your own decisions. I'll give you that one. But, uh... I mean, I'm just saying this. It's like, you know...

For God's sakes, my back door's not even locked these days. Yours is, babe. Come on. That's a little unfair. Asa had, like, an Instagram the other day where she... I guess she's into crocheting now.

That's like knitting, right? Yeah. I don't even know exactly what it's called, but whatever. She knit a thing, and it just says, ass is the new pussy. Not wrong. She was ahead of her time, that one. She was, yeah. She was way ahead of her time.

Like a decade. I mean, seriously seriously it's fair but like are we are we being honest here no one's gonna hear this right no no one listens it's it's a strike against you oh yeah i mean that's a big knock of course what if i was just like uh i don't eat pussy it's like well that's not cool here's the deal like i just i don't like closed-minded people right that's yeah it's really a reflection of your personality is what it is uh i don't need pussy it's like well that's not cool here's the deal like i just i don't like closed-minded people right that's yeah it's really a reflection of your personality is what it is like i don't need to fuck you in the butt just that i want someone who wants to get fucked in the butt or just they're just like someone who like won't rule it out with absolution

right it's like well it's like it's like caps locked and it's like underlying yeah like if you tell me that the back door is slightly ajar, you know, it's closed. It's not open. But, you know, the back door is a creaky door that doesn't close all the way. Tell me that. The back door is like Mambo No. 5. It's only something I put on when I'm drunk. Hey!

But when you do, it's very enjoyable. Yeah, so as long as you say that, just keep all options open. Is that a line that you have used before? What? The back door is like number five? I never thought of it. No, it was good. That was very well done on the spot.

Number six. Spanking and hair pulling is permitted within moderation and must be done so, quote, respectfully. You have to say it someone respectfully. Well, that's why I believe we have the quotation marks. I think this girl is saying, disrespect me, but don't cross the line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, quote, unquote, respectfully, meaning like, you can call me like a slut while you're doing it. You can't call me a whore while you're doing it. See, I wouldn't have, that's not what I get.

I don't get down with that. What a pussy. I don't get down with that. You won't call a girl a slut in bed? A girl a slut? Nah, that's not me. That's not my game. That's so soft.

I'm more than making the jokes inside of you. More than talking about my sister while I'm inside. That's exactly what... That's like a try-hard move for me. No way. That's what I'm... Exactly what I was talking about where it's like you're trying to be sexy

and like a porn star. I'd rather just like fucking just chit-chat with you. I'm like, yeah, you little whore. No, whore is too much. That's what I'm saying. Respectfully is slut. Disrespectfully is whore.

Whore is like, I started thinking of Frank Reynolds when I say the word whore. Whore. You are a good whore. That's what I said. You're a good whore. That's not respectful. You're like, you little slut.

That's respectful. I'm working my way into this. What is it? Hair pulling? I mean, slut. That's respectful. I'm working my way into this. What is it? Hair pulling? I mean, like, it's just when I... Oh, yeah, you're super soft about this whole topic. Did you write this list, you little bitch? I always just get scared.

I'm like a retarded baby. Like, I don't know how strong... Well, you are stronger than I am, so I don't ever have to worry about, like, I don't know, like, crushing a girl when I'm fucking around with her. Like, first of all, my right arm cramps up. I use my left arm because it's my weaker arm. And then, but, like, my right arm cramps up. I use my left arm because it's my weaker arm. And then my right arm cramps up and then it's just like... You might fall.

What if I fall? I'm liable to just guillotine you. He's like Lenny from Mice and Men. He's going to crush the fucking mouse. Right. Yo. Alright, calm down, David Banner. You're not going to kill a girl. Just fucking slap her around a little bit. David Banner You're not gonna kill a girl

Just fucking Slap her around a whole bit David Banner? Yeah he's the fucking Bruce Banner David Banner's the rapper David Banner's the rapper Yeah

I don't know I mean yeah I've been growing into it A little bit But it's something It's nerve wracking It's a nerve wracking experience All around

Boy Everybody come have sex With Feidelberg It's gonna be like Soft romantic passion And a nerve-wracking experience all around. Boy. Everybody come have sex with Feidelberg. It's going to be like soft romantic passion, and he's going to talk about his mom and sister. No, I was talking about my depression. Number seven. This one's pretty clear cut,

but I think it's something that needs to be said. Play with tits more. The old PWTM. I think I am a full-blown ass man, but sometimes I start to think about the titties. It has been a tough, it's been like a rebrand of sex. I feel like for the longest time,

it was like boobs, man. Boobs, boobs, Baywatch, boobs, guys like boobs. And then like hip-hop music started and next thing you know, white women with ass is the new phenomenon, and everybody's an ass man. Shout out to Seinfeld. And I think the tits are getting left in the dust. Well, here's the deal with tits.

There's no way to win tits. There's a way to win the ass? Yeah. What does that mean? Enlighten me. Like, boobs are just like a game that doesn't have an ending. I don't understand boobs. I don't know what to do with boobs.

When you're in a vagina, you're like, I can win this. I like how your voice went down a little bit here. You're being a little bit quieter at the bar talking about winning the vagina. It's like there is a definitive end. I can just play with boobs all day. You need to be able to penetrate. That's what I'm saying. There is a blueprint end. I can just play with boobs all day. You need to be able to penetrate. That's what I'm saying. There is a blueprint to this.

I'm just going to slap these things around a bit and maybe suck them a little bit. Yeah, but that's what she's saying. Slap them around a little bit. I spilled on myself, son of a bitch. You're ignoring the boobs completely because you can't penetrate them. Meanwhile, she's like, you know,

play with tits more. I mean, I'll do it. That's really the thing here. I'll do whatever you want. Yeah, this list is like a little over the top. But, I mean, just always make a list for me. Like, make me a honey-do list for sex. I mean, the problem is this is a little bit more of a don't list. Honey don't. And I would prefer it to be a honey do.

Maybe just repackage these in the affirmative instead of the negative. Yes, that's a great idea. Like, if you told me, like, have sex with my vagina more than my butt, I'd be like, okay, that sounds better than the back door is locked. Number eight. You're definitely fucked with this one with Feidelberg. Absolutely underlined. No singing.

John's going to be fucking belting out. Rent. He's going to be singing the latest show tune from the greatest showman. I do Whitney. And I will always love you. Thank you. I'll do another one, too. Another round, please. love you. Thank you. I'll do another one, too. Another round, please.

Thank you. She thought it was good. See that? She had a smile on her face. Now, why don't we come back? We'll ask her. Imagine if he was having sex with you while he was doing that. Yeah, no, you're definitely going to get singing.

You're definitely going to get incestual family talk. Stop putting that evil on me. That oneestual family talk. Stop putting that evil on me. That one's not coming up. Stop putting that evil on me. And he's going to be too afraid to fucking hurt you. Little pussy. No singing or humming. So this guy was a big hummer in bed.

You know what that might be? I'll hum. You know what that is? And let me say this, because I'm going to take a guess here. It might not be true, but there's a good chance. And girls, you better be careful. A guy who's singing in bed sounds like a guy to me who's trying not to come. Really?

Yeah. Kind of like, it's almost like. I only sing when I'm elated. When in like a long game poly where he's counting, trying to make it to 60 seconds. I think if you're singing, it's like, all right, just make it to like the second verse, and then you've done a good job sort of thing. It's like think about baseball. Think about grandma.

Sing your favorite song. I think if someone is sitting there literally humming out loud, they're trying to distract themselves. So it's one thing. What do you want me to do? You want me to come early or you want me to hum? Figure it out. What about humming while you're going down on her? I think that adds a nice little mix.

Well, that just sounds like a tactic. You got some... Like Howard Stern. Wait, what were you just doing there? Do it again. That feels good. I almost came right there. Just feeling the vibrations in my mouth.

Girls, put your iPhone in between your legs right now. John's going to hum again. You're welcome. And you came. KFC Radio, making girls come since right now. Number nine, the final one on the list. And this is something neither me nor my partner understand. Find

the clit. Not the G-spot. The clit. The clit is the easiest thing in the world to find. It's almost impossible to, like, miss the clit. It's like, how could you not touch the clit at all? It's right there. It's in front of you you not touch the clit at all? It's

right there. It's in front of you. I don't know how to make this any easier. I mean, some people refer to it as like the button. It's like a button. Yeah, it looks exactly like a button. It's just right there. Just push it with your fingers. It's like if you walked up to a door and you couldn't find the doorknob.

That's the thing you're supposed to touch. Even if you had never seen a door before, you'd be like, I think I'm supposed to grab that thing. Your first time is looking at one. Thank you very much. You know, all right, there's like a hole there. There's some of these things there. That top part looks very important.

It looks unique. Yeah. It sticks out. That looks like something I should be touching. I should easily be able to discover this and use this function. It's like the like an iPhone button.

Yes, it's the same thing. It's like if you get a new iPhone, you know, push the little circle button. Steve Jobs wanted you to push that button. When a girl opens up shop, it's like, she wanted me to push that button. I mean, this guy clearly needs all sorts of instruction if he's getting a whole list of nine things. opens up shop. It's like, she wanted to push that button. I mean, this guy clearly has, needs

all sorts of instruction if he's getting a whole list of nine things. But boy, oh boy, when you see that one, again, the G-spot, totally different story. Even that, I'm pretty sure we all know how to do the come hither motion. Yeah, it feels like a sponge. It's not that hard. But now,

super different than everything else. But now, like, you know, maybe manipulating it correctly, different story. Oh, not that hard. It's super different than everything else. But now, like, you know, maybe manipulating it correctly, different story. Yeah, that. But the clit is a seriously easy thing. Again, we've said this before. It's like the dick. You find the dick

and you just go up and down on it with the hand, with the mouth, with the body part, with the fucking anything. You go up and down on it, it's going to work. You just go around that cl on it with the hand, with the mouth, with the body part, with the fucking anything. Go up and down on it. It's going to work. You just go around that glint. It's going to be good to go. And she finishes off saying, follow these. Where did it go? She said.

She finishes off saying, failure to follow these guidelines will result in termination of all sexual contact. Well, I would terminate this girl first. No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. I would take whatever I could get. She's got great handwriting. Calligraphy. I could dump a girl with great handwriting.

You know what I would do, though? You know what I would do? And this is maybe what we'll do for next quickie. We'll make our own list. Oh. The guy's rebuttal. Our nine responses to our sexual contract that you got to sign. Okay. Let me tell you, it's going to be a lot more difficult than yours.

You're going to have a lot more to ask than you. So we'll do that later this week. Tweet at us now things that you want to be included. We're only doing the top nine. So we'll take the most asked for, the most popular, the most creative, the best stipulations, and we'll come up with the rebuttal, the male version of the

Sex Stipulations Act. Fights, any last words? No.