KFC Radio - Quickie: Poppin Pills (with KMarko)

Episode Date: May 7, 2018

Choose 2 of the following: 1- Look 15 Years Younger 2-Read minds for 3 days 3- Forget Your Ex 4- Eat without gaining weight 5- Add 5 cm to your height  6- Super Strong 7- Have a lot of money ($10M) 8- Always feel happy 9- Get millions of followers (10M)    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. All right, we got a KFC Radio quickie today. We're popping pills in K-Marco's rooftop lounge. We're at his penthouse apartment. Which I did not know you were coming to. Nor did you know you were going to do this podcast. You were like, here's a microphone.

A little background. I was homesick today. I said, Kevin, you want to stop by? He did stop by. He brought the whole KFC radio team with him with mics. Still didn't tell me we were doing anything. And they set up to record. And I was like, oh, what are you guys doing?

You're like, a quickie with you. With you. Come on. You joined up for once a week, bro. We signed the contract. That's true. You don't get sick days of KFC. No, it's good to be here. Dave might keep you out of the office no sick no days

off thanks for coming to me so today is the pick only two pills challenge it's a little wordy i would i would have named this meme differently pick only two pills challenge just say i would just call it the pick two pills yeah i'm not familiar with the meme so i'm really flying blind right so no I'll explain it. All right. So there are nine pills you can take. Think of it like the Matrix, all right? You're going to pick a pill.

You get to take two of them. Number one, look 15 years younger. I'm going to pass on that one. What? I'm going to pass on that one. Why? Because I would look 14. You already look like you're a little baby.

That's what I'm saying. Like a fat little baby. A little fat cunt boy. I look like a fat baby my look like you're a little baby. You're fucking. That's what I'm saying. Like a fat little baby. A little fat cunt boy. I've looked like a fat baby my whole life. Fat little bitch boy. You're going to look like a fat baby until you're dead. This is outrageous what's happening right now. But, dude, when I was on the varsity team my freshman year.

I'm a fat baby on the varsity team. It wasn't even humble brag. He paused to look over at me for that. Just a straight brag brag. Yeah, no, that was just a brag. on the varsity team. It wasn't even humble brag. He paused to look over at me for that. Just a straight brag brag. No, that was just a brag. I was like, yeah. They used to call me the fat five-year-old. I thought maybe one day I would grow out of it.

Nope. This is just the body I have. You're just getting fatter and you're staying five. You're staying five. You just get bigger and bigger. Number two, read minds for three days. It's a pretty small window. Number three, forget your ex. Number four, eating minds for three days. It's a pretty small window. Number three, forget your ex.

Number four, eating without gaining weight. Fights, maybe you could use that one. I might be done with this fucking cookie, I'll tell you that. Number five, add five centimeters to your height. So clearly this was made elsewhere. That's like, what, two inches? Five centimeters? No.

No. No? Less than it. No, it's close. Yeah, two inches? Five centimeters? No. No. No? Less than it. No, it's like... It's close? Yeah, it's close. Like an inch and a half? Yeah, I think it's three centimeters per inch, right?

I'm going to look this up while you keep talking. I'll look this up. You better be right over there because you were like... Mr. Centimeters over here. Mr. Metric Conversion. You. Me? Yeah.

Five centimeters. Something makes me want to say that like four centimeters is an inch. I think it's three point something. Five centimeters equals zero feet, 1.96 inches. Well, that doesn't help. Centimeters are tiny. That's why I was laughing. Centimeters are tiny.

I wanted to check before I laughed even more. What's 0.1 feet? That's like an inch, right? Do you know how small centimeters are? This was so stupid. What did you say? Five centimeters were what? I said almost like an inch and change.

Oh. Well, no, that's what it is. I think it kind of is. Yeah, exactly. I thought you said feet. No, yeah. No, no, no. I said like an inch and a half.

Let's just say an inch and a half. I apologize. I misheard you. I said like an inch and a half. Let's just say an inch and a half. Okay. I apologize. I'm sorry. Thank you. Apology may be accepted. Number six, become super strong. Like me. Number seven, have a lot of money.

This kid's feeling himself today. We're going to have to put a number on that. A lot of money can mean a lot of different things. So think about that for a second. Number eight for Feidelberg, always feel happy. I don't think I like the always. I think I like a day. Well, this is why we actually discussed this earlier when I was planning this quickie.

And we were like, Feidelberg will probably pick that one, but then be unhappy about how he's happy just because that's how it rolls. That's how it goes for fights. Like, oh, my God, I'm so fucking happy all the time. I hate this. And number nine, the final one, get millions of followers, which we'll also have to put a number on, because if you have like 50 million followers, you can be very rich. You can be the richest person in the world. So let's say millions of followers is 10 million.

Okay. And let's say have a lot of money is 10 million and have a lot of followers is 10 million fair yeah it's fair so it's not like an exorbitant amount of either there was only three of those that i was interested in at all hit me have a lot of money easily number one add to your height anyone any guy should take any inches they can get fair and unless you're like the last one get followers but that kind of goes with money if i have a ton of money i don't need the followers so that's the well or vice versa like you get all the followers you can get a lot of money but then you have to work for

it if you have the money you don't even need the followers you don't have to work at all yeah that's true you don't have to pose with like be like always first yeah like these instagram models they have to pose like drinking the juice out of the pineapple and advertise the pineapple and that takes away from your credibility i could keep my credibility and just have it. But you could just do that in Dubai, overlooking a fucking beautiful beach because of your followers. I could just travel to Dubai with the money. Yeah, but that's kind of like,

eventually your money runs out, your sugar daddy's doesn't. That's true. Yeah, okay. So I'd skip the hike. I'd skip the hike because I'm 6'2", so I'm good there. Okay, let's relax. I'd take the followers and the money. Let's say like 6' six one and change i don't want to read minds that's i would never

want especially like for three days it's like i don't know that's just like a bad that's probably something you probably kill yourself after it's like you had the greatest drug in the world i would like to do it oh no if i hear a conversation happening that might mention me i run and hide in the other direction oh yeah i'm a huge ignorance is bliss guy i don't want to know what you're thinking about me i don't want to know what you're saying about me i would just keep the happy image in my head of what's happening i wouldn't be reading minds of like people i'm talking to i'd be reading minds of like strangers at the bar being like what do they want to oh it'd be like a pickup move yeah okay pick up pick up move or just like uh just morbid curiosity morbid morbid curiosity for three days like that could be

kind of fun. I love eavesdropping. I eavesdrop all the fucking time. I wish I could never... I would choose eavesdrop. I can hear better if I become a mute. And I can just eavesdrop on conversations and I never have to fucking talk anymore.

What a creep you are. You never have to talk anymore. You are a goddamn podcaster for a fucking living. I chose the wrong profession, Kevin. The only time I ever talk... You talk to us all the time. The only time I ever talk, you tell us all the time, the only time I ever talk is when I'm on this stupid show. It's true. You are really a fucking

mute otherwise. Yeah. What are you picking? Give me your first pick. I'm like taking all of them. I want a lot. I only get three. OD on this whole fucking thing. I thought you only get two. Two. You get two. Oh, boy boy i'm actually stunned i could see fights just being like i don't want any of these pills i just want to die

no like the only the only the ones that yeah it's like i mean forget your ex i'd absolutely take that without gaining weight you would why you get those great text messages yeah i'd forget of course why would you want to remember an X? Because of her unbelievably graphic texts that are awesome. Oh, I'm not even single one. I should call you a fat little cunt boy. Fat little cunt boy. I mean, come on.

That's the best. I hope there's anthrax sprinkled on those flowers. I'm forgetting anybody who's not in my life anymore. I don't need that. Eat without gaining weight. Yeah, sure, that would be a good one's not in my life anymore. I don't need that. Eat without gaining weight. Yeah, sure. That'd be a good one. I already do that. This guy, 6'2", don't gain any weight. Jump off the building, bro. 6'2", 183.

I don't want to give a fuck about an inch and a half of height. I mean, the answers are both pretty obvious here. It's going to be have a lot of money. But here's the thing, guys. If you have infinite happiness, you don't need money. I don't want to always feel happy. I almost just threw this fucking phone in your head.

Always feel happy is so boring. Happy people are fucking annoying too. Insufferable. Yo, how, you know what? They're so like, just not interesting. Oh, you're happy? Yeah. Get lost.

Feeling depressed makes me happy. That's like the best feeling to have. So I don't want that. That's my drug. You want to talk about pills? My pill is being depressed. Where's the tenth pill? Be depressed all the time. Like watching a depressing movie and feeling depressed after and listening to depressing music. That's called living, bro.

That's called living. Listening to depressing music is the best. What was the Sam Smith one? The first song that came out. All of the Sam Smith ones. Stay With Me? Yes. When that song came out, I wanted a girlfriend just so she could dump me so bad well they all do so that's you know that little cunt boy always they all do

you can set your fucking clock to that what are you doing what are you doing for the next three months you want to hate someone soon hey are you looking to be able to really viciously break someone's heart in a few months? Date me. I mean, super strong. Could not give a fuck less about that. No, I couldn't care less. What could you do with strength? I don't know.

Would you look strong, though? Like, do you get cut from it? Yeah, I would definitely think so. I'd like to be cut, I guess. But even that, it's like, whatever. But I don't need to be strong for anything. Actually, I'd probably keep my height. I think I would do $10 million,

and I think I'd keep my height and just get cut. So you do get money and get strong. I think so. What are the other ones that people actually cared about? Look 15 years younger is certainly out. I mean, if you're like 60, you're picking that. Yeah, maybe you hang on to that one. Or I think chicks will definitely pick that one.

Guys, like, nobody gives a fuck. Read minds. Apparently you're in on that like you're a sicko. Forget your ex. Eat without gaining weight. Gain height. Super strong. Money.

Happy. Followers. I'll be honest. The internet addict in me is thinking about the followers. Oh, dumb. 10 million followers. Like, $10 million is not like your set, set, set

for life sort of thing. Right. You have a steady stream of followers. Like, those fucking idiots on the Jersey Shore are probably just still caking it because they have a few million followers. You know what I mean? You give me 10 million followers, I'll make that last. Yeah, if you go $10 million and 10 million followers, you never have to work again.

And then, like, you have your money and your happiness and, and your quote-unquote fame, and you're good to go. Hang on, do these 10 million followers, do they like you? Are they bots or are they real people? Because they don't like you. Some of them do. No, but I mean like a couple of them. Not most of them. Not a lot of them.

Not a lot of them. Not a lot of them. I'm thinking I'm batting, like, 15% with my followers that like me. Too high? It's a little high. You think it's too high? It's a high. It's a high. No, it's good.

You're good. I was going to say that I was at 25%. You probably are. I think i'm at like i could be single digits right now my q my q score is at a really my twitter fans mostly like me twitter is where i go for what do you got like good feet seven or eight thousand followers they don't like me yeah no 145 i'm making my way up well you know six two at least i'm thinking about along those lines i'm thinking about the strength thing a little bit like if we're talking about like lift stuff over your head strength i don't care right if we're talking about like you can win any fight i'd be interested

in that you want to play because i well i like to talk a lot of shit i do it on the on the computer i don't do it in person because i'd get my ass kicked by almost anyone but if i could win any fight i could really express myself more in person like you're not really gonna fight when you walk in a room though and you can beat up every single person, like, you're a happy dude. If I know I could, like, if a bouncer didn't let me in. Yeah. The last time I talked shit to a bouncer in Greece,

he punched me in the face, and it fucking hurt. So I don't talk shit to bouncers anymore. Oh, yeah. What was the debate? What was the problem? I was in Europe. What was this esteemed debate you had? I was in Europe in college.

I was a dumb college kid, and he wouldn't let... He let all the girls in, but he didn't let me and my friend in the bar. And so we did the typical American thing, like, fuck you, you're a bouncer. Walked away. It's Greece. It's not America. So they follow you. And they brought their friends with them.

And you just went ahead, punched my friend in the face. He fell down. I was so stunned that I didn't fall down, but I just got clocked in the face and was like... The fact that I didn't fall down is actually a big source of pride for me huge but huge i would be like i won that fight it hurt a lot and i learned my lesson pretty quick great my trip to europe that's what i learned don't talk shit to bouncers and getting punched in the face hurts there you go take that pill there there's there's a lesson for you my cousin got punched in the face by a bouncer once oh no no i'm just that wasn't by a bouncer but he like he loves to brag that he didn't go down. Yeah.

And he was at a pool hall on, like, a Sunday night here in New York City. New kid to the city. He hustled. Not hustled, but, like, beats a kid in a pool talking shit the whole time. And the kid goes, hey, let's go outside. And my cousin was like, okay. And he walked outside, and the dude was just waiting for him and smoked him in the face broke his jaw clean and he was like i didn't go down i'm like but you went outside yeah like a fucking idiot he's like i thought he wanted to just talk if you want to go outside

he was like 21 hey man let's go outside and talk about he just hustled me in pool it's a big source of pride it's a big thing with my friend like i would never say his name but my friend matt seibel he got punched in the face and he fucking crumpled into a ball like fetal position on the ground and i didn't so i've been i've been riding that high for a while so you're taking strength then well it depends if that's if that's the uh if that's how it works if i can beat people up with that strength then yes yeah let's say you're fucking over the over the followers so give me your two i would take the money the money and strength and strength fights i might take the strength just to beat up fights the only reason i haven't beat up fights

yet is because i can't i would fucking beat you up all the time if i could i don't you better get a lot of strength oh okay tough guy no you just have a lot of coming up to do in the world you got a whole lot of coming up i'm coming from negative negative. I need to get super strength to get back to zero. Yeah, absolutely. What are you picking? What are your two? I'm going to go money, and I'm going to go... Fuck, this is really hard.

I think I'm going to go money and followers. So vain. Yeah, no, I'm an incredibly vain person. God, it actually is like can i just like crush up the money pill and snort it and do double the money that's what i'm doing just just give me that right as much as i can give me all the money in the world i might to be honest the the happiness was literally never one i considered. I'm thinking like strength, money, and followers. You only get two, you idiot. I'm thinking.

I'm thinking. Oh, okay. I was going to say we need a math fucking pillow here. You know what? Strength. It's strength. You're both doing strength and money? Yeah.

You have strength, though. I feel like you can beat up anyone. Like you're the fucking Hulk. money yeah you have strength though i feel like you can't beat up anyone like you're the fucking yeah but like i've not heard stories you've beaten people it doesn't look it's not like an attractive strength i assume the pill is fat baby strength it's just it's just a fat person fat people can punch hard that's my strength that's great you just want to be hot you little bitch yeah that's really i'm again going for the vanity aspect of it i assume it's like an attractive strength i don't

want to i don't have interest in being the mountain i want to be like brad payton fight club like i've wanted to be my entire life and just put in zero effort for it for a single day you know what about this what if you put the 15 years younger pill in your pocket for like i thought about that one yeah i thought about that Take that when you're 55, 60, whatever. I think by then, I'm done. You don't care, right? Again, girls are taking that one. Guys are not.

I'm going money and followers. Plus, that's just weird being 15 years younger and like looking 45 and being like, you know, I don't want to go out. I'm 60 years old. I mean, that's like what we do now. I'm just sitting inside. I mean, we don't do,, we're way younger than that.

We don't want to go out now. I know. Right, so I'm saying, like, what's the difference? You just look good. Yeah, I don't care about looking good for myself. I at least am outside. You know what? Actually, you know what?

I just had a thought. Take the 15 years younger pill. You'd be 14, right? You could play Little League, and you'd be fucking dope you'd hit home runs every time you'd be throwing like now we're cooking that's oh that's a good one i've always thought about that wishing i could go back in time with my current skill set and like smash let me tell you something what you're worse at baseball right now than you were when you were 14 not if i was playing against little leaguers yes you are oh no if i would be throwing gas

i'd be throwing gas. When was the last time you swung a bat? I'd be throwing gas. I could hit something. When was the last time you swung a bat? No, those kids are so slow. We need to get a 12-year-old on the mound and keep the play. That would be unbelievable. I always think about that. If I went back to high school, I would be so...

People are like, oh, I'm older now. You haven't swung a bat in 15 years, man. Yeah, no, you're way worse. I'd get fucking blown away at the play. But it's a little different when they're like 11-year-olds pitching. Still. I'm with you, but it's different. You little different when they're like 11-year-olds pitching. Still. I'm with you, but it's different. You would very quickly hit an age where you couldn't participate anymore.

You'd hit Babe Ruth and you'd be like, nah, I can't keep up with these kids anymore. Yeah. But that one year. Final answer for me, I'm taking the money and the followers because those are the only two things I live for at this point. That's about it, folks. None of the other ones? Strength, not really my scene. If I had to rank them all, it would be one,

money, two, strength, three, followers, four, I am intrigued by happiness, the idea of it. Five, forget your exes 6 literally nothing else

because I don't remember oh height yeah probably height 6 7 you know what's funny though I mean if you do this with 3 short people their first choice

is going to be height you can't be short your life sucks if you're short being short is the worst everyone's good Oh we have a guest Kelly Keegs what are your choices

So I wasn't going to say anything I was going to just watch and let you guys discuss this But so far you've made horrible choices And I can't sit back and let it happen The correct answer Is you take the age bill like you you said, you save it for later. Yeah, but you're a chick. No, no, no.

But listen. Listen to what I'm saying. Okay. You take the age bill. You save it for later. The second one is you take the followers. So you have, so say me right now. I'm assuming this age bill also makes you hot.

I'm just going to assume that. Yeah. I now have 10 million followers. I'm an Instagram model. And my career will be that long for like at least 15 years and then in 15 years once i've gained a following and money everything that comes with it i take my pill i look the fucking same and i have 15 more years and then i just retire with my pile of money and my hot body and my hot husband which will also come with the followers and the money that i make

see that's why the 15 years younger for chicks is an absolute game changer. 15 years younger for girls is like infinite money. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. For you, it's great. For us, not so much. I don't know. There are some hot male models, honestly.

There are some hot. Yeah, that's not us. That's what I said. I'm also not an Instagram model, but it would make me hot. So we're going to make this the make me hot pill? Yeah, it's make me hot. See, but being hot for a girl is way more important than being hot for a guy. I don't know.

Well, okay, then I'm sorry for you guys. That's just... See, it would have to make you hot, because if you just made me 15 years younger, then I'm like scrawny, gangly kid with acne. No, no, no. You're saving it. You're saving it. So you'll take it 15 years from now, so you can look like this.

But I'm not an Instagram model now. Yeah, but you could become an Instagram model. That's the thing. So when he's 45, he takes it now. He's back to 30. He looks like this. Yeah. Right, but you have all the followers, and so you'll have built up... You got to'll have built up you gotta work but he just looks like this you gotta work for it a little bit

you could work what are you talking about he'd be fine it wouldn't be like retiring keith no offense bro you're not gonna like retire off your looks right now yeah well that's what i'm saying that's why you have to build this following and then again people recognize you'd be like oh my god he never even ages you know how many people talk about that's the difference oh my god he never even ages it's like incredible like yeah that's that's what i want yeah if you look at keith you're like oh he's 30 it's like all right whatever but if you're like he's 45 you're like oh shit this guy's fucking like you know he's aging backwards like i said aging backwards that's the the ultimate it's the founder of youth earlier you asked earlier you asked me what is uh a bigger compliment you look so skinny or you look so tan.

The biggest compliment is you look like you're aging backwards. That's – I changed my mind. Which is the pill. That is the pill. Which is the pill. So that's it. That's my thoughts. I'll still take the money. What if you took the pill and the money?

Oh, shit. I'm changing it. I'm changing mine. You take the pill and the money. So now you have $10 million. You got a pill that makes you 15 years younger. You're now rich. You have $10 million. You got a pill that makes you 15 years younger. You're now rich. You have $10 million.

You go to like a pharmaceutical company. You reverse engineer the pill. Oh. So you don't even take the pill. You just like kind of like study the pill. Study it. That's good. You mass produce the pill.

Yeah. You know what? I don't even need the second pill. I just mass produce the pill. From then on, I am, I mean, I'm a gazillionaire at that point look at this guy he just stood up because he's like i want everyone to know how much bigger i am than you and once i have this pill it is i mean that's like that's that's it that's the answer i'm taking the pill and the money and then i'm reverse engineering the pill and i'm getting so much more goddamn money by selling a pill that makes you look 15 years younger.

I have discovered the fountain of youth. I am Ponce de Leon. Ponce de Leon. Yeah. Just check him. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I wasn't sure. You nailed it. I was slowly trying to watch eyes, so Keith didn't laugh at me again before proving me right. What about happy? You know what? I'm too into my answers. Shut the fuck up.

You already make happy pills. I'm just going to be happy and eat without gaining weight and just double down on my happiness. That's actually my answer. I don't need the money. I just want to eat and be happy. I'm with mine i'm good with mine the reverse engineering i i just want to beat up bouncers in greece i'd like to go back that's just one guy no i'm not mad at that guy because i deserved it is there a pill for murder a bouncer in greece because i'll take

that no i had that coming that was a good life lesson that I learned, so I respect that guy. But I'd like to fight with people now with no consequences for sure. I have kind of a hot temper. You can always fight on the internet with five. That's the name of the game. Alright, so nobody knows what pill they're taking. I did! What are you talking about? Rich in strength.

Rich in strength. I'm just going to be fat and happy. But not fat, because I don't gain weight from eating. And Kelly's an Instagram model done see you next week for Caves Radio Tuesday