KFC Radio - Quickie: Sixty Five Thousand

Episode Date: May 14, 2018

Girl sent 65,000 text messages to a guy she went on 1 date withYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Alright, it's another KFC Radio Quickie, and today's topic is one that is near and dear to our hearts, particularly Feidelberg's. We're talking about crazy chicks today, and not just any old crazy chicks. Maybe like THE crazy chick, like capital C, capital C, crazy chick. This woman is next level. And her mugshot with her wonky eyes and her Mona Lisa-like knowing smile really takes it to the next level. But this woman, I'd have to imagine, gets Fidelberg feeling a certain way in his plums.

I don't. Don't you act like that's not your brand. No, I don't see how people don't find it's attractive okay okay i was gonna say like i don't think that that's fair or something like that see there's a video and i hope we're gonna put in the audio or something like that because we're running this without a producer right now i but there's a video of her talking about her love for him and i i was listening to this morning i was like i don't see how people can't find this romantic it is it is in a way she's like whisper she's soft morning. I was like, I don't see how people can't find this romantic. It is.

It is in a way. She's like, whispers, she's soft spoken. She's like, you don't have to worry about anything. I just love him. He's not in any danger.

I just love him so much. I just want to, and listen, and she's like, and she's like, love isn't like a fleeting thing. Like, like that's like,

love is something where you, you keep doing it. You're passionate about it. Like, like baby, I love you too. You keep doing it to the're passionate about it. Like, baby, I love you too. You keep doing it to the tune of 65,000 text messages. What's that average for like a day?

I mean, how do you even count all that up? How do you even know it's 65,000? That's such a ridiculous number. A woman is accused of breaking into a Paradise Valley home, bathing in the victim's bathtub, and sending tens of thousands of disturbing text messages to the man's phone after the pair went on how many dates john one ah date love at first sight baby and and date 31 year old jacqueline natus aids whatever was found parked outside the victim's home the man

also accused her of repeatedly texting him despite saying he no longer wanted to talk to her. And she allegedly sent $65,000, which comes out to $500 per day. See, that's where I'm out, is a text message. I don't like texting anybody. $65,000 in four and a half months, John. That's $500 a day for 130 days. That's where I'm out. That's where I'm out. If she wants to, she can break into my house.

She can take baths. She can just jump in the bed with me house She can take baths She can just like Jump into bed with me She can give like Speech She can say she wants to wear me I think there was one thing Wear my skin

No wear parts She wants to wear his body parts Oh sure I'm fine with all that Totally fine with all that It's the texting that I don't So I'm just a really Really really bad texter

Because it's It goes on two things Like one I like to I like to just not text Is one part Where i just i don't like talking and all that stuff we've done this said that a million times but another part is just like self-consciousness and anxiety where i'm like that person doesn't they're not they don't

really want to talk to me like they're they're just doing it because like like they don't want to hear from you there's no way this person likes me like that's the way i'm with like everyone i text even with you i'm texting with you i'm like i'm probably annoying kevin right now the it's it's just like that's just you somehow have the confidence to sit here with that dumb fucking hat on your head but you don't have the confidence to be like yeah kevin wants to talk to me no i don't i always think i'm just annoying people you are an enigma yeah well you're definitely annoying me with that hat hang on hang on i was gonna let you slide i wasn't gonna bring anything up if you're gonna keep making fun of me Why did you text me last night asking where I got the hat?

I don't think I did. Oh, you did. Oh, I know. I asked you what the name was because I wanted a nickname for you. I called you Johnny Stetson in the tweet. I didn't want to buy that fucking hat. I wanted to know the style so I could come up with a nickname to make fun of you on Twitter. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So this is the text message you're talking about. Don't ever try to leave me. I'll kill you. I don't want to be a murderer. She also said that she wanted to wear his... She's laying out her rules very concisely.

I respect that. She wanted to... Some gals are very evasive, and they're vague. You can't really tell what they're trying to say. She's being pretty straight up. I will kill you. Don't make me do it. Straight up.

If you leave me, I'll kill you. Hey, honesty in a relationship is important. This gal gives you spades. She said, I want to wear your body parts and I want to bathe in your blood. To me, in a way, if some girl ever said to me, if you leave me, I'll kill you, in a way that would be such a relief

because it would just be like, you're my girlfriend for life then. I don't want to die, so let's make the best of this. Let's make lemonade. I'd dump you right away. You're out, bitch! I'd just sit there with a smile. Just close my eyes and wait.

Here we go. There's just no part of... What does everyone always say that's hard about the dating world and relationships? I don't want to play games. I don't know what you want. Just tell me what you want. You're being vague. You're sending mixed signals.

How many times do you hear mixed signals? Ain't no mixing signals here. If you leave me, I will kill you. But I don't want to're being vague. You're sending mixed signals. How many times you hear mixed signals? Ain't no mixing signals here. If you leave me, I will kill you. But I don't want to be a murderer. If so, facto, please don't leave me. I exclusively send mixed signals. That's the only kind of signals I send. I am.

I am a TV that's not plugged into a cable box. Just snow. You don't really know what's coming through. That's a good way to keep them on their toes. I'll tell you that much. But she doesn't. She's clear and concise. And that's important.

And I respect that. There are so many parts of this girl that I respect. And I think that. Oh, and you know what? You know this girl. Pox. You know this girl gets down. She actually might be like.

Like, she's. For me, no. She's a little too crazy for me. Because I'm just nervous that she's like she'll she'll bite a dick off yeah yeah that's true she'll like she'll bite a dick off in like a somehow backwards affectionate way like i just loved his penis so much i wanted to keep it with me at all times yeah you know it's like it's like i'm not even trying to hurt you i just i need to have your dick i need your dick so bad i chopped it off like she would

she'd be riding you and she'd like sneak out a pair of garden shears. It's off of you but inside of her. And then just walk away. Just seal that thing up and keep it in there. I got it kicking me now. Forever and ever and ever. I don't know why that's what I went to.

You're bubbling. You're happy. You're excited right now because of this girl. Yeah, in my head. Jackie. Jackie's making, like I said, getting you feeling some sort of way. If this were to truly happen to you, all jokes aside, what is the move? I mean, I guess this guy went to the police, right? And was just like, you have to arrest this girl. Yeah, you got to go to the police. I've gone to the police before.

You just got to do it. You know, it's one of those things where you just got to do it. It's fun to sit in this podcast studio and joke about it but eventually eventually you gotta call you gotta say and how does that conversation go it's like you gotta you gotta fix this sir i have like a five foot nothing hundred pounds soaking wet girl that i am fearful for my life that's a hard thing to do yeah that's what i'm saying it's like because like it's it's again we've talked about my self-consciousness anxiety and things like that like i gotta call a guy up

And tell him I'm scared For my life From a little girl Yeah Like I shouldn't be But I am But I am Or like you know

I think about like if you You got a call Cause you're being like extorted Or blackmailed Or something like Having a hard situation Or something It's like

You have to admit Like yep I was a fucking idiot Like she got a bunch Of videos of me I'm afraid for my life This woman is like She's the puppet master And she's totally dominating me i need to call the authorities for help that is a that's like you you sir have like you have no control over your

life superhero at that point with regular citizens like i can't handle this on my own yeah i need yeah i'm calling in i'm calling in super. It's like this woman is so diabolical that I don't know what to do. It's like I have to call for help because I can't even figure out a way to break up with her. I can't figure out a way to get her to leave me alone. I need the help of the law. Like what does the Constitution say that's going to help me get out of this situation? I respect that she threatens him, though. Because a lot of gals,

too often they'll threaten themselves. And that's a harder one to get out of. The cops are like, what am I going to do? Right. I don't know, call her bluff. Well, that's not a wracking, sir. Because she might die. What if she doesn't?

I got to go with blood on my hands. Is that what the detectives told you? Just call her bluff? No, they went to her house. They went to her house. That's probably some bad detective work. A wellness check. But that's what it's called.

But it is like, when it's threatened, when something like that's threatened, like, I should just kill myself. Like, that's heavy. That's worse than, like, I'll kill you. That's worse than I'll chop your dick off and wear your blood and stuff. Because then that's me and I have to live the rest of my life with that responsibility.

What if someone actually does that? How does that affect you? I can't imagine. People always tell me, you should stop joking about killing yourself because one day someone's going to do it. And I'm like, fuck you. No one's ever going to do it.

But if someone ever leaves a suicide note that's like, KFC told me to kill myself on Twitter and I did it, that's going to be a tough one. one nah i wouldn't care about twitter trolls fuck that yeah you deserve to be dead fuck yeah i'll tell the world to kill himself every fucking day i couldn't care less do it honestly do it if you're if you're a twitter troll fucking kill yourself uh the but like with someone you like had shared experiences with and stuff like that once that happens it's like okay I do genuinely care

about you and I don't want to let you down and if letting you down means like you're dead it's like the ultimate let down so I will let you down into the grave I'll be miserable I'll be miserable for five years don't tell them that girls pretend you didn't hear that because that's clearly the card to play with

Feidelberg we'll work 100% in time if it's you'll kill me, that will not work. Right. And it's not just out of the shtick of, like, I want to die. It's just, like, if you say you'll kill me, I'm like, fuck off. Like, I won't take that threat seriously. But I will think I'll kill yourself seriously. 100%.

I mean, either way, you know, would your first reaction be like, I got to call the police? Or would your first reaction be like, I gotta call the police? Or would your first reaction be like... At what point do you call the police? Because 65,000... You didn't call it 20,000? You didn't call it 5,000? You didn't call it 500?

I'd call it 20. Yeah, this is getting out of hand. You know what's the most annoying thing in the world? When you're trying to scroll Twitter, when you're trying to watch Netflix, when you're trying to watch porn... It pops up, pops up, pops up. Well, I should have my shit on silent. No, but you know what I mean. The bar is here. It pops down. And you gotta scroll, you're trying to watch netflix you're trying to watch porn well i should have my shit on silent no but you know the bar is yeah it pops down and you

gotta scroll you gotta thumb it back up yeah yeah i did 20 times i'm calling the cops on you yeah no that's that's i don't care if you're a girlfriend my mom that honestly doesn't matter that's a good point like at this rate 500 a day that consumes your phone you no longer have a phone you no longer can be on like social media three times a day no way it's hot it's constantly buzzing whatever now that that to me is like you this this other guy is is kind of equally as crazy the fact or maybe he's just a lunatic like a badass himself like i can handle this at 65 000 at 60 at 55 45 20 do 20. Do I hear 10? Do I hear 10? You know, like you, you really waited until like the last possible second here. 65,000 in four months.

I wonder how many months, I wonder how many times you think, yeah, like you meet a new girl, you text her. Cause like early in the early going, if you're, if you're really like cutesy and you're really into somebody,

you're going to text a lot. It's one of those things. You wake up, you text good morning. Even then I don't, you going to text a lot. It's one of those things. You wake up. You text good morning. Even then, I don't. You don't text a lot. No, because like again, you're afraid that you're a burden. Oh, yeah.

And I'm afraid I'm going too hard. I think most people who are normal with a little bit of self-esteem will, when they're really into somebody in the beginning, it's the text show. It's sexting at night. It's how are you in the morning. Yeah, because you want to just limit your exposure. Yeah, I don't want them to know like who you are i'm also also then i'm like i'll i get nervous like when i text you like oh too much so weird but like i i'm not nervous i'm not nervous but like i'm just like you're cognizant then you might be like bothering me yeah and but like

that and that's after you know 10 years of friendship like when i first met you, I would never text a person. If I've just met you, you have to initiate every single text conversation. And I won't overdo it. You have to keep it going. You are literally a chick. That's exactly like the stuff chicks say. It's a special story, a special girl, and it takes a special guy to even have been involved with her what was her math can we pull up the math for that video like the math at the end i'm so bad

at math i thought she was like the text messages mean the text message no she has that video and she's like starts doing like she's like l equals and like she's like doing the math yes let me let me find that um it's like i was listening to this morning and I'm so bad at math I was like maybe she's maybe she's doing a real math problem right now laughing laughing laughing laughing

alright let's listen no oh my god no I love him so much I just want to love him so much and if he doesn't like it then I'll go home and i'll love my ex-boyfriend what am i supposed to do hang on pause it that's a great line that's that's the line like everyone always has if i don't like if he doesn't like i'll just go fuck my ex i mean

that's a tried and true it's a tried and true all right well that one didn't work out i'll go back to my accent to keep giving it that's the math equation it's. All right. Well, that one didn't work out. I'll go back to my accent. To keep giving it. That's the math equation. It's love equals 3.3, which is infinity, times E equals mc squared, which is light. Light is forever. L equals 3. If love was a number, it would be 3. So it's infinity times light, which is also infinity.

So it's just forward, forever forward. And if you're selfish, you can't understand that because you want something in return. He's not giving me anything in return, and I still love him anyway. That's what love is. That's what the universe is supposed to be made of. That's love. Love equals 3.3, which is infinity,

times the speed of light, which is also infinity. So it's infinity times infinity, which is 3.3 times infinity, which is love. I was sitting there, like when someone speaks in a language you don't really understand, you kind of just nod along like, okay, okay. I was like, yep, she's making sense. That's like when you're at the bar and you can't really hear someone. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were doing your love equation. I'm like that all the time when people are talking. Yeah. Sounds good. Math checks out. Math checks out.

Love equals 3.3 infinity times the speed of light. E equals mc squared. Yeah, of course. Would you give this girl a date? You know what? I'd love to joke and say yes. Would you give this girl a roll in the hay if you could somehow guarantee that you're not going to be harassed by her?

I don't think I would. Even if it was just like you, I guarantee you, you'd never see her again. It's her voice is too terrifying. It is annoying. She is scary. She's not pretty. I'm actually a little bit scared

talking about her right now, to be honest. She's ripe for a movie or something because she is like, this is going to be a saga. This is going to go on a little bit. This will 100% be a Lifetime movie. How long does she go to jail for?

What is the crime? You know what? It should be infinity. It should be love equals 3.3 times your jail sentence times equals empty squared. You should go to jail for? What is the crime? You know what? It should be infinity. It should be love equals 3.3 times your jail sentence times equals MC squared. You should go to jail forever because this is, I guess, technically probably like stalking as a crime, but this is pre-crime because this is like pre-murder. I don't think she's going to go to jail. I do think she'll end up in a mental institution.

Yeah, I mean, for sure, restraining orders and whatnot, and maybe not yet, but like she will be in the padded walls within the year. I'll feel bad if she goes to jail. Because, like... It's just love. People... You can go to jail for love? Look, she was an annoying lady, no doubt about it.

But, like, dudes who beat their wives don't go to jail. That's true. Like, she didn't hit anyone. She, like, sent too many texts. Like, a dude who beats the shit out of his wife doesn't go to jail. There's been a lot of people who have skated on actual crimes. Or you hear stories of someone who went to jail for like two years for like a horrible assault case or something. But this is also like we dodged a bullet here.

Like the fact that on 64,999 text messages she didn't go murder him. We dodged a bullet. This guy should be dead. She just sent another text and said. After like 300 texts of I want to bathe in your blood, I'd be like, just do it, you fucking pussy. You're so annoying. Leave me alone or do it. Shit or get off the pot, babe.

Your whole routine is getting old. That's why something must have happened because I'm sure that dude just put her on do not disturb. Didn't even know the texts were coming through And then eventually something happened Where he was like wait a minute Wait a minute I'm about to lose my dick I love you Love equals 3.3

Love is about You're too selfish to understand that I love so many people And they don't return it but that's okay No no no I love you so people and just, no, they don't return it, but that's okay. No, no, no. That's the way the world should be. I love him so much. I love him so much.

Oh, no, I'm not mad. I'm not mad. He doesn't have anything to fear. When a girl says, oh, no, I'm not mad. Oh, buddy. You are in trouble. Oh, buddy. Watch out.

If you ever hear that, run to the fucking hills. Oh, you are. It could be an average girl who's just saying like, oh, I'm not mad that you ate dinner without me. You're in trouble for that. Or it could be a girl who's saying, I'm not mad that you ate dinner without me you're in trouble for that or it could be a girl who's saying I'm not mad that you called the police because I sent 65,000 text messages to you either way when you hear I'm not mad they are mad and you are fucked

see you next time