KFC Radio - Quickie: Smooth Keith, the barstool Upfronts, and Change The Past or Change The Future

Episode Date: September 7, 2018

Kmarko returns to debate whether he would change the past or determine the futureYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's Quickie is brought to you by Shameless Season 9. Nueve. The Gallaghers are back. And, uh, Liam is now fucking, like, a 15-year-old kid. That's how long they've been doing the damn thing. Emmy Rossum, she is making bank now because she stood up to the world and gets the same pay as William H. Macy. The whole family's back. And nine seasons are in the books, which is when you enter an

elite territory where you are in like the pantheon of all-time shows, you're lucky if you get like two seasons for a TV show. And then when you have a banger, you get to like six. To get to nine, that makes me think they're going to go to like 12. They're just going to keep it rolling. So they are back. Their ninth anniversary. Nine years I've been at Barstool. Nine years Shameless has been doing it

over on Showtime. It's September 9th, 9pm, only on Showtime. Get your Sunday night Shamelesses on. It's season 9 this Sunday, 9 o'clock. It's a Friday edition of KFC Radio. What does KFC

stand for? The F is Feidelberg. The C is Clancy. The K is Keith. And K Marco. Now you're just sucking up. Now you're sucking up because you fired me. I didn't fire you. We signed Keith to a one year deal and then

I think he was holding out. He was like Le'Veon Bell. He just wasn't showing up to OTAs. Sometimes you're like, I don't like that topic. Skip it. Yeah, it was like you thought that these were voluntary and they're fucking not, man. These are mandatory. There was a miscommunication where you never invited me back on the show. I don't invite john to come on the podcast it's your show i was the addition

you're sure you were like hey keith you want to come on and do this day and then you just never asked you asked like two months ago and i said uh let's do different i said i said oh like months ago and then i asked john i was like hey did you guys all right you know what i got an idea here to make Keith feel involved. Uh-huh. Once, so you have options for Friday and Monday's Quickie, because Wednesday's always watch list. That's what happened, is I was like,

you haven't invited me on in a while. Are you like silently pushing me out? Because you can just tell me. And you were like, no, we're doing all TV show stuff. And you're not watching the show. No, well, you asked me on a Tuesday. We were going to do it. I was like, no, we're doing it.

It applied to every day. It wasn't implied. It wasn't implied. But the fact of the matter is, so you feel involved on either Monday or Wednesday show. I don't need to feel involved. I don't need to be on this fucking show. So you know it's...

I thought I was. And I'm fine. You are going to talk yourself right out of this fucking podcast. I thought it would be fun. You choose the topic once a week. I don't have any topics. Well, yeah. It's part of the job.

All right. You want to see? Okay. You got to do a little work. Okay. Okay. You got to do a little work. I'll pick the topics.

Don't come in here with some fucking... Some Emory English lit shit. You want to see? Okay. You got to do a little work. Okay. Okay. I'll pick the top. Don't come in here with some fucking, some Emory English lit shit. You said pick the topics. We're doing book reviews. I'm bringing a book in next time. We're going to read it out loud. You want to get those numbers up? You pick the fucking topic.

It won't do our thing. I used to, I used to stifle that part of my brand and I'm just embracing it. Fucking books. Any nerdy shit. I'm just like the whiskey thing. I was like, i didn't want to be snobby and now i'm just like i won't drink your poor people shit i'm only drinking let's do like it'll be like uh snobby nerdy fridays with k with key marco elitist wednesdays i like it i like it uh well today's topic. Good to be back, though. Today's topic is we touched upon it last night, two nights ago.

We did a Barstool Sports podcast up front. Great job by you guys, by the way. Oh, I thought we kind of bombed, but whatever. I left before you went on. So we all, the way it worked. Francis came up and apologized to us so much because he's like i should have reset the crowds like i don't need your fucking comedian mumbo jumbo bro i need a reset on the crowd i mean we we went to the ainsworth and we set up a stage and everybody um like five of our podcasts all did like five ten minute samples for the... Five of us? I don't know. Franaria

four. I thought I missed one. I wasn't like, wrong counting. I was like, wait, who's the other? Everyone got a little taste of what Barstool can do with the podcast so that we get their fucking money. One of the topics, one of the questions we did was a good hypothetical

from the mailbox that, like I said said since we bombed i want to do it again uh the question is how bad was the bomb well you were there for francis i was there for deirdre gave the intro yeah dave gave a 30 second speech erica gave a one minute speech and as she handed the microphone to Francis I dipped out okay so Francis really got us off to a hot start with we were told with our show KC radio we get a little blue sometimes and we're like they're like do your podcast but like you know do like take it down and like don't talk about spitting in people's mouths yeah like yeah like they didn't explicitly tell us that but

we just know in front of advertisers you don't do something like that Francis kicked it off talking about how he couldn't he got a girlfriend last night but it wasn't a girlfriend it was a girl he kidnapped and she couldn't yell because she had duct tape over her mouth he literally was like because of the duct tape over her mouth i mean you don't ask francis to do a comedy show and then expect him that's i mean that is to be honest it was it really was it was it was funny i don't think anyone in the crowd was actually like oh shit like i can't believe you did that we were laughing about how we went hard with it um but then we got up there and um i mean we just kind of like sucked each other's dicks for a little bit like talked about what we do at kfc radio to explain the story and then we tried to do a couple hypotheticals and um and everyone nobody

listened everybody just started talking the crowd just like you were at a bar. It was like, imagine if you were at a bar and there was a podcast on that you just did not care about at all. That is what was happening. You needed me there because, you know, I'm the number one pity laugher. Yeah, I was doing that. I was sitting in front row and everybody was like, oh! Yeah, there was not. I mean, we need to fucking band of brothers for this goddamn office.

There was nobody. I was sitting alone because you dipped out and I kept wanting to drink your drink because I mine was empty and I didn't feel like going to the bar. And I was like, Keith must be coming back. He wouldn't have abandoned me here. No, never came back. Elitist Keith tidbit is when I went up to the bar and she said, open bar starts at seven for the bar.

So thing. And it was six fifty six. And I was like, all bar starts at seven for the bar. So thing. And it was six 56. And I was like, all right. And she'd handed me the makers already. And she was like, that'll be $18 or you can come back at seven Oh one and have it. I didn't want to wait. So I paid $18 and tip $3. So $21. And then I left it sitting on the table.

John, no, but no, I, the number one most uncomfortable thing in the world, like one, two and three is bad standup or or bad crowds or people not laughing. I would have been just going crazy laughing at your stuff. Dude, I've said it before where I go to stand-up shows, and I always go on the weekdays for some reason. And midnight, it stops being an act, and they kind of basically do an open mic where they just hang it off and go right into their set and hand it off, go right into their set. And people slowly filter out as that's happening. I sit there until four in the morning just like laughing my ass off. Like, hey, keep working, man.

But that's a good one. It's a good start. You got something there. It's like just me. My date's left. Like, don't be rude. Don't be rude. Stay here.

This guy's grinding his ass off. francis did stand up and did his his like rape jokes and then uh rowan came on and they did like some offended the musical they sang a song and you know i mean and i said as much like they're the talented guys this is a disaster right now everyone's knocking things over and falling uh they like sung a song and it was funny and then we get up there and just, we kind of do like conversations, you know what I mean? It's not boom, shit.

No, I know what you guys do. So like, but that's awkward. That's where the live show aspect for us is a little weird. Cause it's like, are you cool with just watching us record a show? Because it's not going to necessarily be laugh out loud,

funny all the time. We might be talking just like spitting truths or whatever. So I just got up there. I also like, I had a bunch, I got, I had a few things I wanted also like i had a bunch like i had a few things i wanted to make fun of francis about i had a few things i wanted to say for roan and i was like one two three go and i just didn't say anything like it just and when you guys do your

when you do your live shows it's like kfc radio branded and your fans coming to them so they're coming for that and they know just like advertisers and like button down shirts and to be honest it was still i mean we have like 275 000 people who work here now like the off, it was like a lot of the people in the office. And I felt like I was like, this is weird. Just like doing like the podcast for like salespeople. And then like, we, luckily we didn't, we were just going to do our whole thing based on like just a Q and a, like basically, you know, when we did like the upfront here and we all like a panel and we're going to be like, yeah, just like anyone can ask questions.

Part of my take went up and nobody asked. Dan was like, do we have any questions and he's like no one huh okay that was like their plan it was like they're gonna do a song we're gonna do a hypothetical pmt will do a q a and a and just nobody had any cues so there was no way guys look at like if i was sitting up there and looked in the crowd and like had eye contact with someone and i said something and they didn't laugh i would probably kill myself luckily they had like even doing this like brendan and logan sitting there like i don't look at them they make it awkward sometimes yeah what i said yeah sometimes they look at their phone and i'm like

well they're not even entertaining these guys are getting paid for this shit they don't even fucking care they had like the big floodlights on so that's good because you can't see anyone bad because i was sweating profusely so um long story short it was uh we stunk and we bombed uh i mean i said i would throw jeffrey mayer in the hudson as a 60 month old nobody did that not a single i i was having i did this little spit take i was taking a sip of my drink and he said, I'd throw that six month old baby in the Hudson. I went, and no one laughed. There wasn't a gasp. There wasn't a Yankee hater who was like, yeah. I was like, did anybody hear that?

Come on, that was at least kind of funny. So anyway, no one listened to our podcast, our live podcast, and this was the question. And it's a good one, so I wanted to rehash it now with Elitist K. Marko. The question is, if you could change one past event or you get to change one future event, which would you choose, past or future, and which event would you change? So I get to, like, bank one for something that might possibly... Correct.

Well, future, there's a problem with that but pat i don't think know if there's anything i would change in my past like i get like i'm happy with where i am now right but that doesn't mean i mean like i'm not i'm not gonna go back in time and like change my life but i would like to maybe fuck with dave a little bit i would like to fuck with yankee fans but then what if i fucked with dave and that like changed history and i wouldn't end up here? I'm a big like back to the future. Like I don't get how you can do something and it affects like space time. I could go back

and change like not being a loser in high school, but then like maybe I wouldn't have been driven to get here and like try and make my latest. Yeah, you know, I'm happy where I am now. The problem so definitely the future, but the problem with that is that like when I get a gift card for christmas okay i never spend it because i always keep waiting for something better to come along pull the trigger they all expire i just have like

300 gift cards that just expire because i never pull the trigger so like something could happen in my life and i'm like you know what something worse might happen right but like what if like you change like your girlfriend dumped you and then you change that so you're together and the next day is the apocalypse you're like why would welcome that yeah i don't know if your girlfriend dumps you and you reverse and you're with her and you're like wow this girl fucking sucks and you're like i wish i could yeah that's the worst i would almost say that you couldn't you can never use it to get back into a relationship because it will probably just end again oh that was just something came up my head yeah but i'm saying that i mean i

think a lot of people their minds would go towards relationships on this i think if you want to get back into one the chances are you'll just this is what happens when you break up and get back together with someone you're happy again for the first like month and then you kind of revert back to your old ways so if you waste this on getting back into a relationship you're an idiot because you'll inevitably break up anyway i would save it for if i got fired that would be my number one thing because i first of all i'd feel a lot more comfortable like making a joke every single day and not worried about like true this because i could just reverse it mulligan you being fired would probably be the worst thing that could happen i'm trying to think like people that if people died but like that, that's just, that's just, well, I mean the mailbox

gave the classic example of like, would you go back and kill Hitler? Like I'm sick of like the idea of killing Hitler. Like let someone else do that. I'm not going to go kill Hitler. Here's what I'm thinking. Do people know that you did it? Kill Hitler? Yes.

So you got to be the hero? I wasn't going to go Hitler. Sorry, Keith. Um, I was going to go, I was going to go slavery and Sorry, Keith. I was going to go. I wouldn't go Hitler. I was going to go slavery. And like, just every day. Like, there's like, Black people thinking you're cool is so awesome. Yeah, definitely. And like, the guy downstairs, Larry, who's the fucking man.

We finally have an awesome security guard. Yeah, shout out to his foot. His foot is healed. Larry has taken to calling me smooth. So every time I come in the morning, he's like, what up, smooth? And I'm like, fuck yeah, Larry! That's my guy! Now I need to go find a nickname. I need to go, yo, what are you going to call me?

Ebony calls me Smooth Keith. Does she? Yeah. We're both smooth. Ebony loves me. She thinks I'm... I think Ebony wants to fuck me, to be honest. I think Ebony wants to fuck everybody here at the same time. She wants to fuck me, yeah. But the... She always says that I'm like a swagged out white man. I'm like, oh, god damn it.

She says this to everyone. I feel like it's probably these three right here. I don't think she's walking up to like, you are one fly fucking white boy. Suck your dick. I don't think. If I could walk around every day and like people were just like, that's the dude

who didn't let slavery happen. That's a pretty big, good crowd to a good crowd they wouldn't know what slavery was but i would tell him i'd be like look it was gonna be real bad but but i snapped my fingers and like i i still have a textbook from the old era like this is what could have been this is this is the other shit i would and i'll tell you what this this textbook is really dolled up. It was way worse than they tell the third graders. I'd want to end it early. You could let it happen, and then you end it. Hey, black people, I could have saved you, but I wanted to make you sweat a little bit first.

You do. In your hypothetical, you want credit for it. If it never happens, you don't get credit. I think I could do a good job explaining. I would kill Hitler, but like halfway through the Holocaust. Only 1.2 million. Well, then Jews wouldn't grow up with this chip on our shoulder that makes us work harder to control everything in the world. So future generations use that as part of their growing up.

Not that I wanted the Holocaust to happen. And I didn't want... I didn't want slavery to happen. I'm just saying if you want to be a hero, you can't do it unless it happened a little bit. I don't want people to listen to this last night. I agree. This is fucking hilarious.

Give us your money already. Jesus Christ. If you guys just gave me a couple pity laughs, we would have had this in your fucking live show last night. What an illustrious return for smooth Keith. He just said that he was like kind of happy with the Holocaust and he would let slavery happen. No, no, no. Quote board for promotion.

Well, judging from what you said, no one listens to this. But if anyone heard that, I don't want it to happen. I'm saying in your hypothetical. You want the credit. In order to be a hero. John wants to be a hero. I didn't say that. True. You wanted that. Yeah, I want it to happen. I'm saying in your hypothetical. You want the credit. In order to be a hero. John wants to be a hero. I didn't say that. True.

You wanted that. Yeah. No, I want it. It would have had to happen because you can just explain to people like, hey, you know, this was about to happen to you. They'd be like, shut the fuck up, white boy. Like, look at what happened for a few years. And then I saved you.

Yeah. No, I'm with it. It's a strong play. It's just very, you know, it's honest. That's a very honest take. I think I could, I think I could, you know, maybe I'll show him with 12 Years of Slave or something like that and be like, look, this was based on something real. That movie wouldn't exist if there was no slavery. No, but, yeah.

You want this whole altered universe. See, that's why you need me here. You want the Back to the Future where it's like, you know, you can go back and you're around, but it's like, no. You'd say I didn't have the power to stop this until, you know three so it's not like i chose to let it happen like i got this power for three years and now you're four of roots you wanted to stop it you want the whole series to come out so that's all i'm saying i uh my mind immediately went towards sports i was thinking if the seahawks won the super bowl i think that dave portnoy because i know what you mean i don't want to ruin barstool but by the by then we were cooking but i think that if they don't win that seahawks won the Super Bowl. I think that Dave Portnoy, because I know what you mean. I don't want to ruin Barstool, but by then we were cooking.

But I think that if they don't win that Seahawks Super Bowl, they're now on like a nine or 10 year drought. And I don't know if the dynasty like relaunches. And I don't know if Dave becomes the insufferable cock that he is. I mean, of course, no matter what, you want to do butterfly effects all day long. Dave Portnoy ends up being a cocksucker no matter what. But if we could soften that a little bit,

if Beast Moe just ran that ball in and we could come in the next day and rub it in his face in the rundown, it would have been very satisfying. But then I thought the only thing I hate more than Dave is Yankee fans. And so that's where Jeffrey Mayer came in. I would go back in time

and I would throw baby Mayer into the Hudson because him stealing that home run with, uh, with Jeter that launched a dynasty. Well, I was just thinking our first year that we started the Yankees won the world series and you hated that, but we sold so many Yankees t-shirts that paid our salaries and got us raises for the next year in Barcelona, New York took off and who knows. So it's short term happiness versus, I know it's actually kind of sickening that to me, that's like blood money.

Like that's like blood money. That's like blood diamonds. Blood money is money, brother. What a Jew. Blood diamonds sparkle pretty nice. Yeah, like, Barcelona, New York, really, a Yankee World Series is a big part of my success.

And weren't you blogging those? I blogged the whole day under the name Scott. The fucking the name Scott. The fucking guy Scott. I was like, yo, the Yankees won the world series. Remember him?

I was like, uh, you know, you know, when, when you win the title, like it's a, the entire day for like the entire three days,

it's just Yankee blogs. Well, unless the Eagles won. Not Keith! I love it! Ricochet shot. So I had to blog, like, everything from, like... Oh, man.

This is the best. This is a lot of fun. I'm having a good time today. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. I had a good time today. Yeah, that was a day. I wrote every Mariano Rivera blog, Jeter blog, Dynasty blog, under the fucking sun, under the name Scott. Did you get in method acting? Did you put on a gold necklace?

Well, here's the thing. I argue so much about the Yankees against it. I know what they say back, so I just did the opposite. You know what I mean? That's the most insult to injury thing of all time. You having to the yankees win and then you had to act like a fan yes and really get yourself in the mindset because they were good blogs i wonder maybe we'll go back and i'll try to put some of those out again i'm just like sucking robera's dick and i'm talking about jeter the greatest and cashman's a genius i was like every time i was like every key was like

my fingers were burning when i'm in the blog it's so hard to do like when i have to write and Cashman's a genius. I was like, every time I was like, every key was like, my fingers were burning when I'm in the blog. It's so hard to do. Like when I have to write Dave's blogs for him and I have to like, okay, I have to dumb myself down.

I have to make four intentional typos. I have to be in, talk like more of an asshole than I already am. It's hard to do, to do it when the Yankees win and you hate the Yankees.

And let me tell you, to try to replicate the voice of Scott. It's quite the challenge. The voice. It wasn't much of the voice of Scott, it's quite a challenge. The voice. There wasn't much of a voice. No, that's what I'm saying. His name was Scott.

I mean, we should have known from the jump that when that guy was like, yeah, I was kind of like, I mean, at this point, you just put your name out there, but we all kind of had nicknames and shit. He was like, I'll just be Scott. Okay, you'll just be a failure. Who's the next one? We had, we cycled through Yankees writers every year remember dower that wasn't a yankee writer that was supposed to be like the third member of barstow new york

that guy is like the um what was his name the american idol guy dunkelman brian dunkelman or some shit it was like seacrest and dunkelman dower it was me keith came out it was kfc k margo and dower and he was like a 45 year old right he was like an old guy with wife and kids which at the time was like now we all grew up into it but at that point it was like no man uh and then there was jimmy dugan jimmy d jimmy d he was just pretending to be like the tom hanks character that guy sucked finally got hubs hubs is good yeah a brief little fucking uh fat face jj what a disaster that was and And now we got Hubs. That was so funny.

What was he doing? He was defending his idea of being at Jurassic Park for... He missed the Jeter 3000. No, not Jeter. It's A-Rod's. A-Rod's. A-Rod's. Home Run.

Just like Jeter. Yeah. And it was both Manzo. Manzo was out on... He was out on the boat. Manzo will forever... Manzo makes me feel... I feel bad about Manzo.

He quit his job to kind of do it. I know I didn't. He went on the boat. But I kind of got fired. It was a little bit... I was at Varsity U. And I went because he went on his honeymoon. And it was like...

People were like, oh, Futterberg's way better than Manzo. And then Dave started doing Wally Pipps stuff. And then he came back. And it was like... Dave has the power to like whether people like you or not it's like dave's gonna decide make you luckily he's just never like we've never interacted it's a very impressive oh yeah and dave yeah yeah and he was like he's like oh he's more like pip and after that it was just like fuck this guy yeah i mean it was he had that power he doesn't quite understand that power like yesterday on the rundown he went on a rant and he was like nobody here knows how to blog except like me k marco and nate and like all these bloggers suck and their blogs suck and he's like so let's do blogger school and get some more people reading

the blogs and it was like everyone that just listened to you said say that fucking hates the blog now and will not read the blogs no he i mean he's an idiot don't get me right you know there's no other way around he's he's he's it motivates people to blog but everyone fucking hates them now yeah he also doesn't understand i mean forever i was like the biggest thing that the stool has to offer is the cosign when we say this show is good this these clothes are nice this food is good and i'm like so if you were to just say that you like our podcast, it would be so much better. He's like, no, I'm not going to do that. So anyway, I'd take the future for your question.

Okay. Well, what was your final answer? I couldn't. My answer is I'm doing slavery. And I don't think. Oh, you know what I'm doing? I'm stopping 9-11. But I'm doing it like I.

So does my example kind of play there? Well, what I would do is i would i i'm not saying it just like doesn't happen i would want to like be on the plane and i like turn the fucking wheel and maybe like the wing clips the building but like we're all gucci or and then something happens with the other planes you know no no and then you take that plane you like and i crashed you take one wing off the other one yeah we all know and then i land in the hudson like a sully here's what you next to jeffrey mayer's here's what you do here's what you do is you sit in logan and you wait and you

catch atah whatever coming in through security and you point them out to the cops and then they look into them and they see all the plans and shit that they had and it comes unraveled and you're like wow this guy just stopped a huge that's how you do it you can't let him get on the planes because like you don't have superpowers you can't maybe you can't even stop them maybe i would mark walbert you had shit man you never know maybe but that's a huge risk yeah if you do it the more intelligent way and just stake them out and you but as long as you get the credit you don't let 9-11 happen no at the end of the day you stop 9-11 i draw the line there. That would be big time fire to be like, I stopped 9-11. What about maybe I would stop that tsunami?

Remember that? Like 250,000 people died. They were just all poor, like Southeast Asian people. Somebody cares. How would you stop a tsunami? I don't know. Well, yeah, stop it. Just go.

It didn't happen. I mean, how would you fucking... We're talking about magical genie powers and shit, man. I don't know. Or I would tell everyone to run away. Like, get out of here. Big waves coming in a few days. That's a horrible pick.

You just cancel out a tsunami that didn't even affect you? But I'm saying... That's what's funny. What was your grandmother in Malaysia? No one gives a fuck that a quarter of a million Malaysian people died.

Oh, I care. That sucks a lot, but you have one chance to save something, and that's... That's not going to be it, yeah. I don't care about those people flat out. Straight up. If I a lot, but you have one chance to save something, and that's not going to be it. Yeah, I don't care about those people flat out. Straight up.

If I was in the tsunami. I'm going to go, hey, 250,000 people, whatever. I got to go stop that home run from happening, okay? Primal parties, bro. All right, good stuff. What a return for Smooth Keith. That was, I'm going to give this episode my cosign. Yeah.

That was a great episode. Do you want to do elitist mondays and run it back so you have a back-to-back yeah did you guys do the uh the drink or food question already yeah we did but we want to weigh in on it so that well it was john didn't clarify it i don't know if you have time but uh the food part can you clarify the food part what qualifies as good good food because he said like mcdonald's and stuff counts that i could eat that you can't have good food you can have mcdonald's i i was i picture that like healthy well yeah i mean yeah i don't eat dirt no but real food like if the question is can i drink good stuff

or only eat like foods i hate you know like peanuts and like well i like kale something shitty like kale i hate peanuts whatever if the food sucks then it's different than if the food is not healthy or mcdonald's or something because i'd eat mcdonald's let's say uh the the bad food is like 7-eleven food oh and the bad like whiskey the bad liquor is like bottom bottom shelf type whiskey oh i'd take good drinks. You want good drinks? Yes. And you would eat 7-Eleven food for the rest of your life? Yeah. Not happily, but I'd do that. I mean, 7-Eleven food could kill you. I mean, I guess, no, I'll stick with that.

I'll stick with drinks, too. To me, drinking's about getting drunk. I might not enjoy it when I'm drinking like Popov, but I'll get there. Food, I can't be in like 9-Eleven. 7-Eleven Hot Pockets. Yeah, I've got a bit of a social media brand for drinking

and nobody cares about me eating food. So I would need to preserve that. See, I'm kind of the opposite. Yeah, me too. We eat five guys. It's a good deal. We eat, yeah. I mean, all I do is eat.

Well, let's wait in on that one. All right, cool. We'll see Keith back next week. Later.