KFC Radio - Quickie: Stipulations

Episode Date: April 27, 2018

KFC and Feits respond to the list of stipulations that went viral with their own list of sex stipulationsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Alright, today is the KFC Radio response quickie for all the men out there. Last episode we did the sex stipulations. So, uh, today we will be responding with the male version. To remind you of exactly what was said in the original list. A girl went viral. Fucking studio.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. I'm about to lose it. All right, so. Kevin's on edge. Edge. Edge. Last episode, we talked about the sex stipulations list that went viral from some chick who felt it necessary to make a list of nine boundaries or otherwise she would terminate all sexual contact contact. So to just recap hers, number one, no discussing the following topics while inside me, your sister, your mother, your ex-girlfriend, other girls, your fucking, your depression or the fundamentals of computer science.

Number two, no hickeys. Number three, no jizzing on my body and or face without fair warning and permission. Number four, no fingering. That's child's play. Number five, the back door is locked. Number six, spanking and hair pulling is permitted within moderation and must be done so respectfully. Number seven, play with tits more. Number eight, absolutely no singing.

This includes humming. And number nine, find the clit so me and john said that we would uh we would go uh make the mail list so this is which is like i had to think about it because mine is is basically just have a vagina very few stipulations these are not stipulations this is a this is preferences that's what this is. This is a list of male preferences because her stipulations were like, I will cut off sex if you don't do this. No, we're not cutting off sex.

I'll just be mildly annoyed for a minute until we have sex again. And then once I'm back inside, I'll be like, okay, whatever. And then I'll be mildly annoyed after it and we'll repeat that. And this cycle will continue until we're both miserable. So we'll go one for one here, back and forth. Number one, I'm just throwing out a full-blown blanket on this one.

I want immunity from anything said or done mid-coitus. It doesn't count. Whatever comes out of your mouth, whatever your hands do, whatever your body does, whatever you ask for, whatever you want done to you doesn't matter the minute that i come not you the minute that i come we stop we go back to the real world it's almost like when we're doing the podcast in here we come in here and we're in the trust tree and nothing matters if i'm inside you it's all fair game and afterwards you cannot hold anything

against me it's almost like when you're in a court of law and the judge is like strike that from the record like do not take that into account that's what happens during sex like yeah i know i called you a bunch of names like yeah i know i got mildly violent but like i still like you and i still love you it's just how we get down right so boom i want immunity i wouldn't need i'd like that one i would reuse it i'd repurpose it i would kind of be like because i'm just never gonna say anything i'm just not i do i don't like the way i sound i don't like my voice i don't like things i say welcome to a podcast starring john fidelberg and i like i i just never say anything about i'm i'm you if it wasn't for like the blood coursing through my penis and keeping it hard you could

probably like think i might be dead what a lay this kid is that's how little I talk it's not I mean I'm moving a lot and breathing but I talk very very little that sounds awful my first one would be pretty much the opposite of this actually

don't hit me no I'm in on that I'm absolutely in on that i've let me i'll amend yours for me slapping is a one-way street yeah that's what i mean i got i meant don't hit me because if you hit me i'm liable to hit you back and it's not gonna be the sexy way i hate getting like i just hate a slap it makes me so your face kind of stings and your ears ring a little bit if they hit you a little too high. It's just unbearable. To think that you have the right of way to slap me is not okay. It's not okay.

And I'm not going to allow it. And I'm not going to stand for it. It's like in 40-Year-Old Virgin when's like sucking on a towel and kicks her in the foot. Yeah. I'm like, you slap me in the face. I'm probably gonna punch you in the face. There's reaction. Yeah. Like reflex.

Oh, shit. Fuck. I hear you. And then after I, then I have to probably kill you because I can't have that getting out. So if you slap me, you're dead. You're probably gonna die. You can't have that coming out like punch the girl. No, no, definitely not.

Definitely not. We'll hide the body don't worry Number three on the list I'm probably absolutely going to slap you though Just It might be light It might be a little bit harder I just don't like hitting people You're so soft

I guess Even like choking You're getting ahead of the list here No the slapping is For for sure we're like really we're pushing it but like i would prefer to be on the table that would be my next one on the list if you if you say no to that fine i guess but yeah, let's get loose. Okay. This one's easy.

I kind of talked about it extensively. I'm good with a hickey. I'm good with a little trophy that says, John had sex last night. I'm good with everyone coming up to me being like, yo, dude, you fuck? I'm like, yeah, buddy. I had sex last night.

Dude, I could not be more or less on board with something than that. It's a conversation to start it, really. It's a conversation about how you're an asshole. It's an accent piece in the room that like, everyone's like, oh, what is this? Oh, yeah, it's a good thing. It's a talking point here. It's an accent. You're such a dick.

What a dick. I think I have a hard time talking to people and i think it would be nice to have something to talk about if that's a bunch of pop blood vessels on my neck that a girl put there that's so be it that's the only the only way you're gonna like me or find me interesting then i gotta do what i gotta do next up for me uh i will say that hair pulling and spanking the girl originally said on her list and it's permitted but it's got to be done respectfully hair hair pulling and spanking is a bare minimum in 2018 it's happening i'm not even gonna ask you about that that's like

i'm gonna kiss you like we're gonna do that i'm gonna put my penis in and i'm gonna do those things and i will say uh that um that some choking is highly encouraged. The thing with choking I don't like is – You're too strong. You're too strong. I get it. You're such a strong guy. I don't like when I see your face turn purple. Well, here's the thing.

You might be choking a little too much, John. You might be doing a little too hard. I mean, listen, some people really, really want to get down. I think a little light asphyxiation is pretty much – We're almost at the point where it's standard. That's different than choking. That's just like my hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that maybe that's...

I got a little tangle in my dick. A little tangle in my dick. There you go. You might be going back to rule one for me. We're changing that. You can't hit me, but you can choke me. What a sick fuck. What a sick fuck. What a sick fuck.

Oh, man. Everyone out of the room. I got to jerk off. You can find me hanging on the back of a door. All right. My next rule. And this sounds like one that should be like the girls where it's hard and fast rule. You break it, you're out.

It's not. It's a preference. It's highly preferred, but should be. I prefer that. When I'm asleep, you don't hit me. I prefer that. When I'm asleep, you don't go through my phone and search my texts and stuff. I prefer stuff.

When I'm asleep, you don't throw my clothes out my window. Sounds a little bit specific on this one. Perhaps just... Those are preferences. Yeah. It will not end things, but it's strongly preferred. It's really difficult

that we don't do that. That's not even remotely close to a sex stipulation. That's just a general courtesy and life stipulation. Yeah. Don't physically assault me. Certainly don't do it

while I'm asleep and I'm defenseless. Don't hit me in the face with my own boot. And don't physically assault me but like i don't do it while i'm a asleep and i'm defenseless don't hit me don't violate my privacy and don't throw out all my property out the window some of these things need to be listed though i don't know what to tell you uh number four or five for me i don't even know at this point uh the back door she said in her list the back door is locked the back door is open and i'm not just talking about you i'm talking about me as well everybody has to decide about their own back doors we will inquire about yours i'm telling you on my list the back door is open so let's let's get creative with it

leave the gate open Alright The Oh playfulness is encouraged I don't If you try and be sexy Don't be like Oh yeah you like that pussy Maybe that works too

That sounds good to me I gotta That sounds great to me Apparently as I'm going Through my list of stipulations It's turning out I have zero The second

Everything that I say I'm like well You can actually do the opposite of that. Yeah, no, that's fine. I've had someone do all the clothes and the phone thing. Still went on. That's next next thing. The.

I just. Playfulness is encouraged. I just want a healthy mix. I don't want it to be like. I want a healthy mix of everything. I want a little romance. Well, here's the thing. Here's what happens with you. Here's what happens with you.

Here's what happens when you have sex, I'll tell you. You find it funny when someone tries to be hot and sexy. Yeah. Because like, everyone in their regular life is not like a porn star. So then behind closed doors, when you try to be a porn star, John is inclined to laugh at you.

Me, I'll get into character. I will method act this shit Daniel Day fucking Lewis up in here you want to do a scene with me there will be no bloopers there will be no outtakes one take over here we'll commit to the role and you can do and say and be

whoever you want let's get it I think that it would be sorry I just got a text and got distracted Tom Brady was at the bar Don't text John during sex He'll get very distracted I'm fine with trying to be sexy

But once we break Then we're like let's have some fun I feel like John Wants to just like Play games instead of have sex Michael Jackson Yeah you sound very creepy just be playful and have fun with me it's like like let's just get in the ball pit instead

sex is supposed to be fun like trying to be sexy is just lame uh you're not like i disagree you're not sexy yeah but in the moment i'm gonna try to be and it's just and that's weird. Well, we're not having sex yet. But I'm explaining to you that you trying to be sexy is strange. Me trying to be sexy is strange. Right, but you know what else is strange? Putting your dick inside of someone. No, that's not strange. That's natural.

That's weird. The sexiness does not come naturally to you. The putting the penis does. That's just like your body knows to do that. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Your body does not know how to act sexy. I mean, mean i'm not saying i can act sexy but no i actually i can act sexy yes i can this is what no this is i i have faked my way through everything in life it's like faking being accounting it's like faking being a fucking radio host i can fake it

and i'm not gonna actually be good with a dick but the surrounding aura i'll get the job done you underestimate me. I don't know if I do. I think, if anything, I think I overestimate you. Last on the list for me. Cuddling. Very encouraged. Unless I do not feel like cuddling that night.

In which case, it is strongly discouraged, and I don't want you anywhere near me. I will go sleep on the couch. Which translates to, like, after I come, I'll decide if I really like you or not. And if I do, we can cuddle. And if not, get the fuck out. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Seal it. Do I ever want to see you again?

Okay, let's cuddle. Let's cuddle. And let me be the little spoon sometimes. Ah, see, I don't like that either. We would never work. We would never work. Why? I would be big spoon. You would be little spoon. Yeah, I don't want you to. We would never work. We would never work. Why? I would be big spoon,

you would be little spoon. Yeah, I don't want you to big spoon me. Ugh. I'm going to fucking titsy yours, rubbing up against my back. I'm very good at spooning

and cuddling and all that nonsense that comes with. I think you overestimate yourself. I do too. In fact, if anything, I underestimate myself.

I'm so fucked up. Both of those are true. I overestimate myself and I underestimate myself. You're just an enigma wrapped in a fucking pretzel. That's right. So that's our list of male sex stipulations. Let us know what we missed. Let us know what you want amended.

And girls, let us know what you think. We'll see you guys next time on KFC Radio. Bye. Bye.