KFC Radio - Quickie: We Need Your Help

Episode Date: June 13, 2018

We have a big presentation tomorrow and we need your help deciding what we should do.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's a KFC Radio quickie, live once again from the West Coast. We're in the Dream Hotel, and my partner Feidelberg has been shot with a tranquilizer dart. You got a fucking dart in your neck, bro. Dude, we just talked all goddamn day today dude we do that every day i know but today in particular it's like like i don't need to like i've been with you for seven years eight years nine years yeah nine years i don't need to expend so much

i can't even think of the word expound so so much energy with you. I don't know if that's it either. Expend. Is it expend? It's definitely not expound. Whatever. Restart the slogan. No, we're good. So we just went to the root. But I have to use energy to impress these new people. Where you, I'm just like, you get my standard missionary.

I did not expect that like these new people these new people i gotta let fuck me in the ass i gotta do them i gotta fucking i gotta blow them i gotta do all this shit for these new people but you like i'm like yeah but you know i got it you know i got it like that no yeah at this point me and you it like, I'll get you in the morning. That's me and you right now. I'll get you in the morning. And you know the morning never comes. Once you start making the I promise you in the morning deal, it's over. Just break up.

It's over. You were just literally rolling on the fucking floor of the rooftop at the dream hotel in hollywood because you had another back aneurysm which i've i've decided i'm coining that term a back aneurysm i don't know what that means but that doesn't make any sense that's what you have you're expounding too much energy right now you you were rolling around like a goddamn turtle on its shell that was tough i don't know what's going on there, but one day when you die from it, I'm going to be like, told you so. I mean, I've been saying it too. Look, I know I'm going to die from it.

What do you think kills you first, the back aneurysm or the cancer of the mouth? Oh, man. I don't know. Probably the the suicide oh the liver we could have a little we could have a little mount rushmore of ways fidelberg's gonna die here we are but despite it all despite how bleak and depressing i'm sure we sound right now i am coming to you happy as a clam because we are living that hotel life right now where it's all just robes and slippers and room service i had a goddamn filet yep a lot of a lot of jerking off i had a goddamn filet mignon for breakfast i woke up i woke for breakfast woke up and you had already texted me i'm eating steak it was so good i had i was having steak and eggs with uh hash browns and

i ordered an extra order of hash browns and I was just drowning in breakfast potatoes. That picture of the steak, that was a steak. Usually you get steak and eggs and it's like you get a little hanger steak, strip steak. It was a fucking 10 ounce filet, dude. I mean,

and then I had that at dinner too, a little nightcap. A little bookend. I heard you ordered a little pussy filet at dinner, though. I said, let me get that 12-ounce piece. Yeah, 12-ounce. I thought I ordered the, well, listen, the other guy we were with ordered the real pussy. He got a six-ounce. He got a petite.

He got a petite. I was like, I'll get the regular one, eight-ounce. And then fucking the hard-o over here is like, well, I'll have the 12-ounce. I was like, I didn't even know that existed. I'll take the 12, fellas. So we're lounging once again on this weird bed. You couldn't even take a shower this morning. It was so weird.

That's the crazy thing. And I know our girl Brooke, we've talked about that with her. And you mentioned how you don't understand the phenomenon that it's tough to turn on showers. Well, okay, let's back it up. We have had people reach out to the show, the program before and be like, hey, have you ever been able to like not figure out a shower? And listen, when push comes to shove,

I will figure out how to get the fucking water to come out of the faucet. This one was particularly ridiculous. It was square. Mind you, by the way, it's not even a shower. It's just a room that it rains in. Correct. It's humongous. I'll tell you what really disappointed me There was no tub

Because your boy was ready to take a bath Nah I don't take tubs You're too cool for that huh If I bought my house and built my house Yes I would dig a tub But I don't take tubs in hotels Why not John Why not

Because they're disgusting Oh yeah as you crawl into this bed That a bunch of fat people have undoubtedly fucked in before Tubs and hotels. Why not? Why not, John? New York City apartments. Why not? Because they're disgusting. Oh, yeah? As you crawl into this bed that a bunch of fat people have undoubtedly fucked in before? You put their new sheets. Yeah, well, they clean the shower. They don't clean the shower, buddy. They barely clean the sheets. Whatever.

Clean the shower. You think she's in there with her fucking Tylex? So what's the problem? So your feet are on the floor? No, I don't care about taking a shower. I saying tubs i don't do tubs yeah so what people are the feet are on there and you fucking sit in it whatever i don't know what now we're germaphobes on this show you big fat pussy yeah i wanted to take a nice luxurious warm bath buddy i'm i'm a i'm a weird germaphobe where i don't care about some things I do about others. Sometimes I want to just take you and throw you out the window.

Me too. You are so goddamn infuriating. It's unbelievable. A long day at E3. And by long day, I mean like an hour and a half because we realized we did not fit in even remotely a little bit. It wasn't even about fitting in. It was just – I had a panic attack. You did.

That was – you were like a old like an old jewish woman who got like over like verklempt you were like i can't be in here anymore we gotta go okay it was like it was like i like to pretend that i'm mr fucking i don't pretend i am mr i don't give a fuck but like also sometimes i do give a fuck and when i do that affects me and like i was really i was there were too many people there and it was hot and that was bothering me and i also knew we had two big meetings tonight that i would knew we were underprepared for big time and i was like that was weighing on me and i was like we just get back and start focusing on these meetings we have.

And I was overwhelmed. Can I tell you something? I'm going to do the exact same thing tomorrow. Because we have to do basically a live show tomorrow. Now, you might not know this, but any time we've done a live show, I've done a shit ton of work for it. You just kind of roll on the couch with me and yeah i'm super talented you gotta you gotta work and shit i just show up baby well your talented ass usually uh uh follows my lead you're you're the fucking and i haven't done you're a

rookie i'm brady at fucking minicamp saying i'll see you when I have to be there, bud. I don't even have a comeback. That was good. All I know is that tomorrow we will be performing, today I'll be performing in front of a bunch of important clients and potentially a bunch of LA stoolies and I have done zero preparation.

We're just going do we're just gonna tell our story right i don't know i guess so i mean that's what we're gonna have to do because again i haven't done any work we can't like our sales was they told us they said we don't want you to change the content and i said sales we have to change the content sales have you ever listened to our content sales we say a lot of fucked up stuff. Today at dinner with new people, you joked about me raping people. Wait a minute. I didn't joke.

Like brand new clients we're at dinner with tonight, and we're mentioning a woman, and you said it's going to be the second time I have it'll be the second time I have sex with her. And you said in the first time, do you agree? Goddamn, I'm funny. Goddamn, I'm a great dinner guest. It was a fucking funny answer. We got inappropriate shit as dinner. But we can't be saying things like that for the clients, I don't think.

This was a unique dinner where we were with comedy writers, and they thought it was really funny. You know what? It was a classic one of those one-up situations where it was like, all right, you made an inappropriate joke. I'm going to make an inappropriate joke. Next thing you know, this guy was pretending to jerk off under the table, and I'm making brave jokes. You want to get nuts? Let's get nuts! It's the second time they had sex.

First time she agreed. What a line. Oh, man. I wish Logan was recording. So, I don't know. Let's have people tweet us. What should we talk about? Yeah, let's do that.

For this important live podcast. Yes. I like that. And you know what we'll do? Because then that gives us an in. We'll be like, hello, clients. We are crowdsourcing this live podcast. Yes. I like that. And you know what we'll do? Because then that gives us an in. We'll be like, hello, clients. We are crowdsourcing this fucking podcast. You want to know the power of our audience?

Well, they decide our whole fucking show. Right. Tell us what you want us to talk about. Is that not the best man time? Whoever Logan's just laughing out loud like this is ridiculous. I'm going to do my job for me. Hey, listeners, write the jokes. Write the jokes and I'll repeat them into a microphone for you.

We'll just do a stand-up set where we read replies to jokes, replies to tweets. We just revolutionized the game, dude. It's like choose your own adventure. Mail time mixed with like we're just parrots. We're just repeating shit. There are funny people on the internet. We are the host for that virus of the internet. Yeah, we, what's the word?

Not crowdsourced, but there's another word for it. We just kind of like. Stole. Yes, okay, that's it. That's the one. We are like an amalgam of all the other funny people. So, all right, that's the deal. Right now, tweet us at kfc

radio what should and i mean i can't even imagine some of the suggestions that are going to roll in for this and it will probably be thursday's podcast maybe friday's quickie it will be we'll put it out so you'll hear it so you tell us what you want us to talk about in front of probably 90 clients and a handful of LA stoolies. Yeah. Live at the bar. And then we're also going to give them a Q&A so everyone can do it. So we don't ever have to come up with any of our own ideas

ever again. I'm not good at coming up with ideas. I'm just good at being funny. I don't know about that. I don't know about any of that. No, I do. I do. Tweet us. At KAC Radio. What are we doing? You'll hear the live show later this week. Hey, did you notice when you came in my room this morning that I jerk off stuff around?

Oh, my God. What does that mean? Wait, I didn't come to your room this morning. Yeah, you came to my room this morning. I did? Yeah. You were charging your phone in here. It was this afternoon.

It was before we went to E3. What do you mean jerk off stuff? Lotion and stuff? I had lotion and I had a towel. That'll do it. The jerk off stuff. I meant to pick up, and then you were here, and you were over by this desk right here,

and you're plugging your phone in. I was like, shit, I forgot to move that jerk off stuff. Well, I don't know what to say man So you didn't notice? No I didn't And as long as I didn't like Pick up the towel I'm good

No you didn't pick up anything You didn't touch anything I'm good It was just like I was like ah shit I meant to move that Jerk off stuff It was like that girl

With the dildo the other day Yesterday Like shit Kevin's Kevin's about to step on my cum rag Oh That is the end of the quickie Kevin's about to step on my cum, right? Oh, my. That is the end of the quickie.

The absolute end of the quickie. That's a quickie. Logan says we're at 12 minutes. That's a quickie. Our quickies, we started, we fucked up. You know what we fucking did? We fucking fuck ourselves all the fucking time. We fucking. Quickies was supposed to be 10 to 15

minutes. We started doing 30 to 40. Yeah, that's supposed to be a full-length podcast. We started doing a full podcast for our fucking quickies. Yeah, no. We boned ourselves big time. And listen, by the way, we could be at like four minutes when someone says jerk-off stuff. Let me tell you something about the industry, folks. That's the

pinnacle. That's the joke. That's the finale, okay? Jerk-off stuff. See you guys next time.