KFC Radio - Released From Kid Prison, Brad Pitt's a Gazelle, and Ben Bailey

Episode Date: January 21, 2020

KFC returns from his bid in kid prison a changed man. The guys talk about the McGregor/Cowboy fight, a new AI which is gonna take over the world, the anniversary of legend Howard Dean's "Beyaw", and Brad Pitt's awesome interview in GQ. Voicemails include: Alien Zoo or Circus, Is my Stalker Interested, and Releasing Away Messages. Cash Cab host Ben Bailey joins the show. We talk about the state of comedy today, hosting Cash Cab for 15 years, and being in the company of Alex Trebek.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Who farted? I was going to bring that up on the show, too. Are we recording? Are we recording? It's been like a rough three days. Oh, my God.

He might need to take a break. I've been like eating healthy. It's bad. You're in the you're in the uh the crunch zone uh for for uh miami huh it's just it's a problem i mean you look good but like is there isn't is anything i look good yeah but is it but i'm saying are you gonna be on the show right now yeah okay you look good too all right let's go you the beard is looking i know it finally came in oh i wasn't sure about it was like patchy for a while and i really almost pulled the trigger on it.

Someone once told me I looked like Nate with it. I was like, uh-oh, this might have to go. But then it grew, and I'm pretty confident about it. If this show is, you know, you like it, it's funny, all that good stuff, but you're going to watch two hot guys go to barstool.com slash KFC. You want to watch an hour of good-looking guys talking about sex and shit. Barstool.com slash KFC. Uh, you,

you look good, but, but how much better will you look if you diet and work out for like one more week? You know what I mean? Like it's here. I think it's, is it not even about Miami?

It's just, that's not true. You've been working out for a while. I was doing like, I would like to do some pushups here. It's bad. I mean, it doesn't matter how good you look, but nobody can be around you because you stink.

It stinks. Dude, I fucking – Have you been eating like weird healthy? No, I've actually been doing – I've been like cooking and stuff like that, but not like weird healthy, no. Although the – it's been – I don't know. Dude, this morning I got out of the shower and went back into my room and was like, Jesus Christ. I must have been just farting all night. All night long.

It's just like a biodome. It just captures it in there. Oh, my God. I remember a fateful night like 20 years ago when me and my buddies, we partied till like 7 in the morning. And I had a day off from Deloitte the next day, but not the blog. And I woke up at like noon. And Keith was like, where the fuck are you? Long story short, my girlfriend at the time shows up to the apartment being like, are you alive?

You're not answering your phone. You're not at work. You're not blogging. What's going on? And she takes one step into my room. And she goes, oh, Kevin. And she just wasn't clever. It wasn't. She just just goes kevin it smells like

farts in here i was like yeah well i just went to bed like an hour ago and i drank another natty light and whiskey for 12 hours smoking marble and reds you're lucky all it smells like it's farts that was the end of that relationship we did not last much longer than that it smells like farts in here. I love when you get that genuine, just like, you're disgusting. Disgusting. Casey did it. We had a heck of a radio show on Friday.

Oh, I saw. I saw. Casey gave me one. I've actually gone back to watch it so many times. It's so funny. Where I talk about how I piss myself off. And she just looks very confused and and goes you are an animal and it was like that did genuinely how i think because you ever just wonder like how am i alive still and it was it

was so perfectly i'm such a piece of shit yeah what is wrong with me i mean it's so much better to just embrace that life and understand it and just know that men are from Mars, right? Men are fucking gross. It was like, I pee my pants, I fart in my pants. My pants are just a disaster, okay? You don't want to be reincarnated as my pants. I farted for a whole city block this morning. It propelled you to work. It's like a little...

Every step, I was like, you gotta be. And then you still didn't get it all out. You're still farting in here. I'm going to be farting for the rest of my life. It's just you're an unlimited fart factory right now. I was walking to work crying, laughing the tears were freezing on my face

because the farts were so inexplicable. I was just like, I don't know what to do. I wasn't even trying to hide it. I wasn't worried that it was loud. There is something fun about farting outdoors when you're by... You're walking by millions of people in New York, crop dust and all, and they have no idea.

They're just dropping bombs, just carpet bombing a city block, and just like, nope, nobody even knows. It was a problem. I don't know. Well, forget about eating your shitty little meals. Go to an Outback, John. I am a huge Outback fan. This is huge to be sponsored by Outback.

I once drove about, actually, the weekend I went to see you down at the Jersey Shore. Me and my buddy drove about an hour and a half out of the way on the way home. We were like, we need some Outback. Yo, that red sign, that neon Outback, I see that shit. That's like the bat signal to me. I'm like, it's Outback. It's here. That, yo, there's a lot of great things about Outback.

I love the steak, the Bloomin' Onion, obviously. Steak is a legitimately great steak. It's a great steak. It's like a steakhouse. They got your tiny filet, if you like that. They got your marbled, fucking fat, bone-in steaks, if you like that. Yeah, real steaks. That brown bread and butter.

Oh, God. Often confused to be pumpernickel, and I understand why, because that's the same color. It's not pumpernickel. It's something else. I can't remember what it is. Jeff D. Lowe once corrected me on that, because he's a freak about fast food and shit like that.

He's a big Outback guy, too. I've ordered Outback. I've ordered $75 of Outback on DoorDash before just to get the bread. I'm just ordering things where the bread comes to the side. I put in the comments like, please don't forget the bread and butter. I'm a real fan of

butter that's not... There's like whipped. I hate when you get a fucking thing of butter that's just like an ice cube. The bread rips and all that. Although I did see on Reddit today a specialized knife that when you hold it in your hand, it knows to turn on and it heats up to spread butter.

Quite the knife. That's a great invention. Very good invention. I also think there should be an invention like the butter what are those called? Butter tray boat thingies, you know what I mean? Like butter what's it called? Butter plate? Like whatever you put a stick of butter in. A butter plate.

Butter plate, yeah. Sure. I love it. That's what I would call it. Those should be like a little bit heated too. Not so much that it's melting, but just put the stick on there and then that warms it up. Smart.

Brilliant. We're good working in. We're smart. I get it. But here, Outback. Let's see. Valentine's Day, you can take your girl to a nice date. My sister and her fiance actually go to to Outback every meal they get together.

It's like their spot together. They're like a cute little spot. Very cute. Dude, that buddy I went out of the way with, he graduated law school. His parents were like, where would you like to go to dinner tonight? Outback. Outback. Yeah.

But again, it's a place for a special occasion. It's not like you're saying, I want to go to fast food. You know what I mean? People need to realize that Outback is a legitimate spot for a celebratory event. Valentine's Day, March Madness, Super Bowl, even 420. They recommend 420 here. Get all doped up and go watch. You got to go eat the bread and butter. That recommends, like, 420.

Come on down. And especially even just, what's that is that just because it's national steak day oh nope it says wild guess but you're probably gonna be hungry that day so they're talking about smoking weed order out back for some tasty munchies love it come on out back are our people so uh go to door dash right now out back is on there uh and order yourself i i legit get like 7575 worth of it every time I order it. Outback on DoorDash right now. Eat good.

I cried on my way to work today too. Oh yeah? I cried on my way to work today too. Oh yeah? Because I was so happy to be coming to work. So happy. You had a weekend. Bro, the last four, five days, arguably the worst of my entire life. So funny.

I was with my kids yo he thought you were in prison I was having kids kids prison no doubt fact I have said this a million times before I'll say it a million times more stay at home parents

I'm not even gonna like fucking make them into the heroes and be like you guys are you are you're fucking crazy you're crazy if you're a stay at home parent I would rather do any job in the world pick a job clean the shit out of the fucking like Guantanamo Bay prison sure done I'd rather do that

than be with my kids all I mean you're cleaning shit anyway either way you're cleaning shit at least you have a little bit of freedom out in Guantanamo I'd rather be a prisoner in Guantanamo than be with my kids for 24 hours straight four four or five straight days it was insane it was nuts i i i mean i get it it couldn't have been fun but also how hard could kids be it can't be that well you know what i guess you're right like if you if i were to tell you to watch my kids for four days you'd be like i don't know whatever i don't care if they fucking die

like they're not mine you know so me having to be invested in them is the problem it's it's actually it's not the being a stay-at-home parent because that's like any other job like that's why i'd be like the worst nanny or daycare person like this is my kid i don't fucking care you know you're right forks in electric circuits probably look awesome give it a shot no big deal i i i feel like you can mail in any job including taking care of your kids except when like i'm invested in it so i have to like try to be good at this job i wish i didn't give a shit about this fucking job yo it was oh man four year old and a two and a half year old i'll never be the same.

It scarred me for life. And the amount of people who are like, are you complaining about being with your kids? Yes! Yes, I fucking am! My kids suck! Look at, like, just stop. These are people who either don't have kids

or they're not understanding that it wasn't just like a weekend. It was four or five straight days with them. Like, yeah, yeah, everybody has their kids for a day or two days, whatever, the weekend. And then and you send them off to daycare you push them off to the mom solo for four or five days can kill any man okay the strongest of men and uh and uh it it's i just fucking hate the people who you either don't have kids or you're not understanding what a person's going through it is um it is something I don't wish on my worst enemy.

Let me tell you something bad that happened to me this weekend. Okay. Okay, wait. Here's my point. Let me just say my point here. There is like, yeah, fulfilling and fucking happiness, blah, blah, blah with you kids. I get all that. Look at your life before you have kids and look at the things you do and how you are and then look at it after you have to stop doing all the things you like

and start doing things you don't like so it's perfectly natural to just be like yeah this kind of sucks like yeah i'm doing it because i'm a father and i'm happy and shit but on a literal level of what do i want to do right now it's not watch bubble guppies and blippy for four straight days it's not go to the indoor play place and miss. I missed the Beltran firing. I missed the McGregor fight, and I missed all the NFL football this weekend. I'm not happy about that.

I'm not. Those are things I used to like to do that I didn't get to do this weekend. Do I love my kids? Yes. Does it suck that I don't get to do any of the stuff I like when I'm around them? Yes. Fact. That makes sense to me.

I feel bad for you. I was laying in bed. I had both of them in bed. So again, it was like all the rules out the window. They're not even funny. You know what? They're funny, but they don't tell you good jokes. Right.

They're unintentionally funny. What are you bringing to the table, dude? I just have to sit around and wait for them to do something cute to laugh. How about some comedic timing in front of you guys huh how about you make this a little more enjoyable for me i was laying in bed i'm putting them both to sleep i'm like i thought i had them down i was gonna get to watch mcgregor and then i i was like stuck in between both of them and i was like if i move they're gonna wake up and that'll be another laid there so yeah oh yeah i mean keegan on the first night, he cried from 7 to midnight.

And that's not an exaggeration. It was five straight hours of crying. He would lay down for like four minutes at a time, wake back up, and cry. Like insane shit like that. So I was like, all right, I can't risk another five-hour bout. So I'm just going to stay here. And then I'm on Twitter, and I see all you guys being like, McGregor's walking out.

I'm like, all stay here. And then I'm on Twitter and I see all you guys being like, McGregor's walking out. I'm like, all right, it's coming. And I was like, maybe I should just like fucking slink out of bed. I'm like Catherine Zeta-Jones. And remember that movie where she's like jumping through the wire, through the laser? Yeah, it's me. Yeah, it's me. I'm trying to like do that every time I get out of the room.

And I was like, fuck it. I'm just not going to risk it. Having kids is like being like a friend who woke up first at a sleepover. Yes. You just have to lay there still waiting for someone else.'s your yeah it's your entire night and morning just like nope well i'm bored but i the alternative is worse that's basically what being a parent is just the alternative is worse like i could do these things i could like go out but then i'm gonna be hung over the next morning it's gonna be worse i could like do this or stay up or miss their nap but then

i mean it's all the alternatives worse. But I refreshed Twitter and the fight was over. I couldn't tell whether that made me happy or sad. It was awesome. I know. I'm totally with you. I saw your tweet. People being like,

it wasn't worth the money. That makes it worth the money. You witnessed history. You witnessed the craziest thing that could have happened. The fight right before that was Holly Holm that went the distance. It sucked. I'd rather have 48 seconds of fucking pure violence.

Adrenaline rage. I was standing on a chair. Yeah. As soon as it happened, I was already up on a chair. I was like, let's go. Let's go. You saw, like, all right, there's blood in the water. That was great. Yes.

I mean, yo, it's funny how quickly everybody just forgets about everything, though, huh? Like, everything else that's happened, it's like, doesn't matter anymore. You start defending it. I'm like, you didn't even hit that 68-year-old that hard. Exactly. It's so funny. I wanted to knock that guy out. I just knocked him out.

It was just a fucking reminder. Like, hey, I'm right here, buddy. We're all back on Team McGregor. He's, like, going to go to jail next week. That was so awesome. I mean, I actually just watched it the next morning as the replay, and it was like it's still fucking 6 in the morning, and I was like, ah!

I like Cowboy at the end where Cowboy's just like, yeah, I'm going to keep doing this. That really, that almost made me. He lost like five fights. Yeah, you guys keep cutting the checks. I'm going to keep doing this. That made me sad. I was kind of torn going into the fight, which was funny because as soon as it started, I was like, oh, I want McGregor to win this.

But I really did like Cowboy's whole persona. And then there's never been a better loser, a more gracious loser than that. He was like, yeah, man. He broke my nose and his shoulder. Yeah, but I love this shit. Grandma's hugging him and whatnot. That was great. What did you think of McGregor going over to him when he was like, he hugged him and shit. And he was like, I got you on the shoulder.

I couldn't tell if that was more like if Cowboy appreciated that or if it's like, get the fuck away from me. I would appreciate it. I think fighting is, I think in a sport where there's a lot of strategy or play calling, I think that I would be more annoyed. You outsmarted me. I fucked up. This was primal. This was just a fucking fight.

You kicked my ass. What are you going to do? After every MMA fight, though, dap it up afterwards blows my mind. And I think everybody I think every fighter would kind of feel that way. Unless it's truly bad blood, like Habib and him. Bad problems. I think everybody almost

automatically respects the person. I would think so. I feel like that's how fights people always talk about that. When you get in a fist fight at the end, you're like, well, alright. Alright, we did it. Cool, man. Everyone's alive. It always helps when it's like, we're all rich now like everyone got paid whatever but the way he you know he like hugged him he whispered some shit to him i'm

sure it was all like you know you know you're a great guy blah blah but then but he was just like i also i got you with that shoulder and it's like yeah man i fucking know i can feel my nose is broken right now thanks like everything else in helps yeah it's true where it's like yeah it just with an irish accent it just seems so much more genuine yeah oh you're fucking loud in a country there huh yeah and it did it did even seem like if there's one guy who probably could appreciate it's like yeah man like you broke the shit out of my nose like you did it man uh i i thought even the way he like like when he turned around from the fight like he, he was pretty calm. You know what I mean?

I think he's actually understood that he needs to be a little bit more humble than he previously has been. You know what I mean? Like, he was just like, yeah, all right, I did it. And then he had his moment with Joe Rogan. But right immediately, it wasn't like, ah. It was just like, yeah, I just knocked him. I just fucking killed that guy. Yeah, right.

That's got to be weird when you train. The next guy, what was the odds favorite for his next fight Is Mazdal That dude's a bad man He's gonna murder The one thing I'll say is That doesn't prove that you're ready for Mazdal or Habib again It's like

I think I've only seen Mazdal fight Obviously we're not experts here I've seen Mazdal fight once, maybe twice See here's the thing It's a ruthless animal It really is Mazdal fight. Like, obviously, we're not experts here. But I think I've seen Mazdal fight once, maybe twice. And it's just. See, here's the thing. It's a ruthless animal. It really is. It's like, it's not human.

What did you say? What did you say on PMT? Send you to the shadow realm? Yeah. I mean, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go to the shadow realm. I don't want to fight anyone who talks like that. No.

Why do you call it that, dude? Like, that's the thing. There's fighters. And then there's, like, Conor McGregor is a showman. He's a good fighter. But his biggest trait is his promotion and his talking. And then there are those two dudes who fight to kill people. Cameras on, cameras off. Microphone in the face, microphone nowhere to be found.

Joe Rogan, no Joe Rogan. In a ring, out of a ring. For money, not for money. I just want to kill you. I mean, Conor is like, let's make some money, fellas. That's why him and Mayweather were such a good pair. They knew exactly what they were doing. This is like,

I don't want to talk. I just want to kill. I don't even want a paycheck for this. He can't possibly think he's going to beat those guys, can he? I bet he does. You have to have that mentality. I lived in a car, and fighting now has me. Was he ever that good? What?

Like, was he ever on the level of Masvidal? I think so. I mean, he was a double champ. There's just such a difference to me. Like, you can be a champ,

and you can be a fucking murderer. Again, like, those guys don't care about the belt. Like, whatever. Okay, there's no more belt,

there's no more UFC. I still want to fight and fucking kill you, you know? Do the best. He's out of Miami. It doesn't matter to me. Yeah, yeah.

I love that. In his bleeding housecoat yelling at Mazda doll you look ridiculous that uh tough look for Baker getting passed over that was one of the most embarrassing things I had a moment before that happened I had I was telling a story you ever tell a story and it's like everyone starts checking out yeah and you know you're drowning with your eyes and you're just trying to keep eye contact with someone but everyone left yeah and that and i was like i was sitting there feeling so small and then big happened i was like these guys love me more than they love you i thought maybe they were like because they came back from another like commercial

break or whatever in between matches and they showed other people in the crowd. So I was thinking maybe they were just saving certain celebrities so they could pan them throughout the night or whatever. I don't know. That was my attempt to spin it. Does that cameraman just not know who he was? Does he not like him? It's not the cameraman. There wasn't a lower third form or anything.

The cameraman doesn't control the lower third form. It could have been that could have been there. And maybe you could have played the cameraman then if Baker's not in the shot. Yeah, right, right. It was just nothing. And he was looking at the jumbotron or whatever, being like, is it my turn? Have they put on me yet?

It just never came. And obviously, you're trying. He had the hat on. He had the fit on. It's not like you were just at the game. He was at the fight to be noticed. Yeah. And then they went to another quarterback they went to tom brady it's time to tom brady's tom brady yeah but if they were just like all

right let's get a football player and a hot chick in this shot it's like no they were like let's get the football players and not baker mayfield who just is fat by the way right he's put on some pounds i winter weight is he cultivating mass he's like he's never been like a small like you know he kind of does like the workouts with like the shirt yeah yeah yeah it's been like it's like it's not a it's not it's not a stomach but it's not abs right that's why i like him i'm i really really i'm really pulling for baker next year plus i gotta be a all-out browns fan with uh with their new head coach the avid endorsement yeah i saw that stefki, is that his name? Dude from the Vikings. I'm an avid

endorsement. Get rid of Adam Gase and get me that guy. I also feel like he's going to be good. He was 14 years of an OC with the Vikings. What? Yeah, he was with the Vikings the whole time. Never anywhere else. He was an OC for 14 years? I almost think it sounds like a bad thing

where it's kind of like, why haven't you ever... I feel like it's a good thing. I feel like he's just like, yeah, I've just been doing my job. I've just seen him for 14 years I almost think that's like it sounds like a bad thing where it's kind of like why haven't you ever but I feel like it's a good thing I feel like he's just like yeah I've just been doing my job I've just been doing like football and now now's my time to shine

but he's the Browns they're probably they're just gonna fuck it up alright what else have we got today we got no guests today straight idiots

Ben Bailey oh Ben Bailey we got Cash Cap Ben Bailey's on talking about the state of comedy and the state of game show hosting. We did a little Trebek talk and whatnot. Very cool dude.

And we'll get into voicemails. You got a bunch of shit, don't you? I always have a bunch of shit we can talk about. Let's get into it. So I get back to work today, and on my desk is a box from Hawthorne. So what is this? And John was like, ooh, buddy, you're going to like it. It's like all your toiletries, all your bathroom necessities,

your colognes, your body washes, your soap, your shampoo, all in one spot. Sleek, looks good, fits in your shower, kind of feels modern. The best part is that you's you also you take a like not a personality quiz but kind of a personality quiz for it where like i i always think that every time i get in a girl's shower it's like i'm on like a science experiment what does this one do yep this one oh yeah well this is what i need is that what i need is 400 things hawthorne's like what's your skin like what's your hair like how it's like like ass like your regimen it's like

this is the soap you need this is the shampoo like, this is the soap you need. This is the shampoo you need. This is the conditioner you need. This is the fucking, it's like, what's your smells? Like, you get two colognes. You got a work cologne and a play cologne. You got body lotion. You got, it takes care of the entire bathroom. I like that. And that's, I mean, that's honestly what we need as guys, too, which is like, all in one shot.

Tell me what it is. Make it easy. Although, so I stayed at Caitlin's place for the duration of this, because all the kid shit is mostly there. And on top of the fact that her apartment and her building are just infinitely nicer than mine. Living in a girl's space, it's just so much better. It's just like the pantry stocked with random shit. I opened it up.

There was many cereals to choose from. All the bathroom has all the things you need. Millions of towels. I have two towels in my place. I get the kids out of the bath. They use towels the things you need millions of towels like i have like two towels in my place you know i get the kids out of the bath they use towels that's it the towels are done you know i mean like all that shit girls just do it right i don't know how they do it everything's folded everything's nice it's just it's a disaster in my life hawthorne is a virtual woman yeah basically it's like it's like become a chick without becoming a chick hawthorne will take care of it for you.

You can still be a man, still have your rational brain while having all the nice things in your shower and in your bathroom. So take the quiz, find out the two colognes you like, and then you get deodorant, the shampoo, the body wash, all that stuff to make you smell good and look your best. Check out Hawthorne at hawthorne.co, not com, just Hawthorne with an e at the end dot co and use the promo code kfc to get 10 off that's h-a-w-t-h-o-r-n-e

dot co and use promo code kfc to get 10 off your purchase what do you got babe i got a lot first of all i forgot i just have this in my pocket i texted you a picture of this over winter break oh this is this is the fake it's this is the fake code yeah were you doing this with trent yeah yeah how is he liking it trent loved it it's like doing it's like uh i think casey casey described it as doing a uh you're doing a shot of rumpelmints up your nose that sounds i mean yeah this this smells like toothpaste this is so much

you do a little bit of this barstoolgold.com slash KFC. Watch your boy Bryce just riffing barstool. It's so weird that that's just like, you can do that. I just saw it fly out. Dude, we were doing it. Mama, we were doing it. Hey! We were doing it like all radio show ever.

I hope you're more discreet than this when you're doing it this Nope, nope, we're just doing it right in the radio room I mean when you're doing it for real You're in the bathroom with a fucking bar And you hear John going Just taking a piss guys Just taking a piss We called like we had the girls in We had Fran and Rhea coming to it

Roan came into it. We were just grabbing people into the radio room. There's a fake duck. There's a white powder. I want to just leave this here for guests. Yo, wouldn't that be funny if, like, you know, shows have certain things every guest has to do. Like, you have to come on and do it.

Yeah! You have to come do a fake line with us that's the oh man how uh how much is that cheap yeah i mean i would imagine i bet you i bet you i guess it smells there's too much of a scent but this would probably be great for drug dealers to cut their shit right uh yeah probably right i would guess the scent probably messes it up but schneeberg is a great that reminds me of like what does it mean snow mountain you guys want to try it yeah i don't want to try it i feel like schneeberg is like like uh in super troopers when like the kids all super high and he's and he's he's like uh schnozberry yeah like i feel like if you're high

on schneeberg you want to say schneeberg this is uh how long you think it'll take you to do this oh uh we had it so so actually i guess we didn't really explain it this is the stuff that in the the oktoberfest videos i don't know if people remember them where it was like crazy we're like dudes were doing this stuff off limp dicks off a trans dick and they're like it's it was like and they had white everywhere and it was like oh it's coke and it's like it's not i mean but i bought it on amazon right right um but i mean for them to like to not i mean everybody thought it was coke it was very reasonable thing they were doing yeah oh yeah it was like a party scene it was there was no reason for them to be like actually by the

way i mean was it wouldn't it wouldn't it be like if you went viral doing a fucking ton of coke on someone's dick couldn't i'd be like no it's the fake stuff no someone called in um on radio it's like popular at october festival yeah they just walk around selling it that's pretty funny that they're like the whole festival is like come like get the pretzels and the wiener schnitzel drink your stein of beer and like and then we also do a bunch of fake coke what it is it's basically like black buffalo for snuff so like the it's like snuff tobacco but this is not there's no tobacco in this got it got it got it so it's just like it's it's it's menthol and sugar that's all it's in it right this is like the definition of just like how

how ridiculous humans are or it's just like we get these bad habits and then we need to create stupid things like this to fucking placate our bad habits you know it's just unbelievable sneeberg it's a lot of fun it's a lot is going to be going all over Miami, isn't it? Well, I don't know because it's dangerous to do it in public. Yeah. People just think it's cool. Yeah. Uh-huh.

You can't just do it. If you're going to do this in public, you might as well just do Coke. Yeah. Well, that's the thing is like this just opens up the door of like, I don't know, is it real or not? Come get me, copper. It might be real. It might be fake. It might be Schneeberg for all you know i feel like uh also you uh i feel like there's probably a bunch of like fake fake like wannabe guys who are who are doing this you think anybody's using

this to try to like look cool or is everyone just doing it to be fun like you're down in miami and you're trying to keep up with the big dogs you're trying to like attract the girls over there or something you're just fucking like i mean obviously if it's in this thing it's not very real but if you like do you think everyone's just openly like yeah and we're just fucking around anything there's anybody out there being like all right get the schneeberg so it looks like we got the real good shit i i don't know i i well i bet like like you no one knows about this no one knows what schneeberg is like you gotta you gotta put in a lot of effort to look cool yeah if you're doing that like okay what's something that looks like a white powder

yeah i can pretend it's cocaine and also yeah as soon as someone asks for something's like no no man it's no it's that new shit it's special mint cocaine bro it's that new shit scope vince do you ever have vince no do you ever have vince vince the mouthwash oh it was the good shit i wanted to just drink it straight i guess it's straight. I think it's a thing of the past, but it was like this pink powder. It was like a chalky, minty... It was like a powder? Yeah, and you mix it up. I don't know why you drink it. I don't know if it's just to clean your mouth or when you're sick.

You spit it out? Yeah. In that weird-shaped jar. You make a mix and then spit it out? That's so much effort. Yeah, but it tasted good as shit. Whatever. I gotta see Big Daddy, Trent, ripping lines. That's got to be a funny scene. He did exactly what I did.

Does he dabble? Well, I guess, you know, whatever. No. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I can't see Trent being a coke guy, right? Wouldn't it be funny if Trent was just a coke head? Big, happy Iowa idiot, and he's also just addicted to blow.

Got a taste of the Manhattan life and got caught up in the fast life. He saw an ocean once and was like, I get cocaine now! Oh, man. But the other thing I did this weekend aside from Schneeberg, I read the New York Times on Saturday. I also saw Bad Boys 2. Oh, Bad Boys 3.

To be expected or disappointing? Well, no, I think I would have liked it I read the New York Times on Saturday. I also saw Bad Boys 2. Oh, Bad Boys 3. Yeah. Okay. To be expected or disappointing? Well, no. I think I would have liked it had I not read reviews first because the reviews are off the charts. Yeah. Look at 97% of Rotten Tomatoes. Is it like the culmination? No.

No. They signed on for three and four. Oh, wow. Because I could see myself liking it no matter what if it was just like the end of Mike Lowry and you know. Did you see 1917? I have not seen that yet. Yeah.

Let's go see that. Okay. Because I got to see that. that I mean people are raving huh yeah it's like I almost I fucking I wanted to see that I had I bought a ticket actually and then I couldn't go to my fucking kids a couple weeks ago like it was when it was playing in Manhattan only uh and I I wanted to see it before the reviews because now the reviews are so fucking dick sucking that I I will I will be somewhat let down no matter what because I like to see those movies before they get hyped up because then the public's in my brain. But yeah,

we gotta go see that. What else did you see? So bad boys. I didn't see anything. I did read something and let me tell you. Oh, John, I read. It was in the New York Times. No big deal. I read it. I may have heard of it. The Sunday Times. The crossword puzzle too, you fucking loser. I was going to give the quote that they use for marketing, but I forget it.

So I can't give it. Something about dying in the dark. Whatever. Truth. Nope. Nah. Moving on. Continue.

So I read this article about this company called Clearview AI. We're so fucked. We're so fucked. I was actually reading it. I was on the subway. I was going to meet my cousin to go see Bad Boys, and I was reading it on the subway. And I don't think I've ever used this word to describe something. And if I have, I didn't genuinely mean it.

It was chilling. I literally kind of chilled down my spine. Yeah, hair on the back of your neck. So what Clearview AI is, it's a company started by a guy who was a failed app designer, app developer. I forget what his first app was. His second app was called Trump Hair, where it just adds Trump's hair to a picture.

Brilliant. And then that didn't really work out. So he moved to New York to become a model. Did one modeling shoot. Didn't like that. And now has like, I don't understand how it happened. But now... This should sound illegal. His name is like Hone Thon Pat

or something like that. He's from Australia. And it's It's It's basically, yeah, it's an app that I think 600 police agencies use now. But basically you take a picture of someone and it will show you every public picture of them in the world. And it's like – it's facial recognition software that is beyond anything we've ever seen before. Like it doesn't need to be a straight-on picture. It can be like a side pic.

It can be like a – Like hats, sunglasses. Hats, sunglasses, all fine. It doesn't need to be a straight-on picture. It can be a side pic. It can be hats, sunglasses. It's all fine. It doesn't matter. It can get through that or around that. And it was like... I mean, this is a creeper's dream. Guys creeping on girls.

Girls snooping on guys. You see a hot girl on Subway, you take a picture of her and just find out who she is. Her name and everything? That sounds so fucking crazy. That's like... I legit bet deem this illegal at some point they can't it's just the way the world they can but they can't like you can't stop you from downloading the way the way government works it's just like it moves too slow you can't get this like you can't make this illegal in time i mean like girls

will be you know not to get dark but like you're a creep on the subway sees a pretty girl takes a picture finds her name finds her address it's a wrap it's a absolute wrap and they had like they had interviews with the uh not to mention just the common problems but like that's the extreme the rest there's no good that can come from this nope

I guess well they say 600 law enforcement yeah for them fine but for the regular people why do you need this? There's no reason. And they had interviews with lawyers, Stanford professors and stuff like that. And the Chilean, he was just like, it's too late. It reminded me of in the newsroom when they have that, they have the, it's Toby from the office. And he's the climate change guy.

And he comes on. He's like, that would have been a great idea 20 years ago, but it's too late. It's done. This is over. You know what, though, by the way, remember the last time I heard that was net neutrality? What the fuck happened with that? Or did we end up fixing that problem? Everyone's like, it's too late, and we're done.

We fixed it. We don't pay for individual episodes. So whatever was about to pass that time, whatever was figuring out didn't pass? Yeah, I think so. I mean, like – I thought that that had happened. I know it works in Portugal where you have to like subscribe to different websites and stuff like that i know we don't do that so so we so net okay whatever my point being that

last time i heard that i feel like it was too late and then all of a sudden everything was totally fine but this is a different fucking and he he said like it's too late like the only way to stop is made illegal and we don't be able to do that and he's like he goes for like we're fucked i was talking to my mom about it you're okay because she's never been on social media or anything yeah it was like unless you have a unless you're private or have never been on you've always you've always been private or you've never been on social media actually i would argue though that we being like literally who we are are actually i mean kind of we're already kind of like that anyway i would be more like the average person yeah who who doesn't have who doesn't live in the public eye it's like now right yeah for us're already kind of like that anyway. I would be more like the average person who doesn't live in the public eye. It's like now –

Right, yeah. For us, it's kind of – People look at us and they don't know who we are a lot of times. So, man, I'm trying to think of like the good that can come from this, and there just is none. Like good being like, yeah, I saw a hot chick, and then I found her Instagram. I actually got a buddy who's going to love this.

We have, we had a friend, uh, who was like, he's, he's an, he's kind of like a nerdy, just a nerd.

And he, but he's also like a creep, like all of us. So you, I would be like, yo, it was a girl at the bar last night. Like her name was like Samantha and she was wearing a purple,

purple shirt.'d find her like i don't know how he did it like and and now like now everybody could do that though we used to go to him like he would be the he was maybe it's him maybe he's clearview ai i mean that i don't understand how people do that girls do that too girls are just like yo so that was that's how i learned about uh clearview ai a tweeted, finally technology catching up with what girlfriends have been doing for years. And yeah, this is just making it easier for them. But they've been doing this. I mean, it's making it much easier.

Girls' ability to snoop. It's so funny. Girls are like so dumb and helpless in so many ways. And then they're fucking brilliant, mad scientists, mad geniuses in other ways. Yeah, that's the way people work. It's not. We have some things we thrive at they thrive at creeping and technology and i i i don't think i think they thrive a determination whatever they what they said their mind to they can do i don't yeah you

know what it's true it's like the extent the reason that they can uh snoop so hard and so successfully is basically the same reason why they can birth children. They just set their mind to it. They can do it whether it's fucking harvesting a baby and pushing it out. Yes. Right. God was like, listen, we're going to make the whole this fucking big. Deal with it.

And that taught them how to just be persistent in all their interests. We've talked about it forever. The desire to is just not there for us and most guys, whereas girls want to do that. But let me ask you this. Now that there's no hunt, does that change it? Or is it just like now it's so easy they just... No, it's one of those mental things

that I'd feel so weird doing. I wouldn't do it. You would feel weird snooping on someone's password and reading through their things. Oh, yeah. I'm speaking for me personally. Yeah, yeah. I would not use Clearview AI. Do you think girls, like, what did they do in, like, the 70s?

When the pre-technology. And then they were, like, reading through phone books and shit. Like, what was snooping pre-technology was it like fucking outside the house and binoculars yeah stalking yeah that's the thing we just rebranded yeah yeah we need to uh like snooping is like this cute word it's like no no this is a an egregious violation of privacy and and leave me alone yeah i mean it was a complete rebrand girls were just doing loops like yeah i around the neighborhood. Yeah, I creep on them. Yeah.

I stalk them. Right. I stalk them. It's a cyber stalk. It really is. It's what you're doing. Like, you know, you're creeping, like, exes and current girls and friending them. It's like, this is weird behavior.

Fucking freaks. This is unhealthy. You get that, right? Maybe this will, like, I'm trying to, like, think that maybe they'll be like, all right, we've gone too far. This is fucked up. But no, they're just going to take pictures of everybody they're just going to be scanning everyone this is this is i'm surprised we didn't see this coming because they do this

shit with like wine labels to take a picture of the bottle and you know where to get it and stuff like that uh i think kim kardashian and other like you you had this idea before it popped yeah take a picture of clothes and it lets you know like where to get the the brand and shit uh so now they're just doing it with fucking humans. Where to get this human? 1, 2, 3 Main Street. You can get that very one. Put it in the back of your truck right now.

Fucking kidnappers, dude. Technology is a problem. It's not fun. It's not fun. I can't wait to be Kyrie. Yeah, I was actually just thinking that. He is such a fucking asshole. He is such an asshole. That latest quote, you saw that one about Irving?

Where he's like, yeah, we're doing it. We're doing it with the guys in the locker room. Yeah, what was that? Something like, we came with the guys in the locker room. Like, we don't have a 15-year bout on the team or whatever it is. I didn't see that. The latest one I saw was like, hey, he was talking to a teammate in the locker room. He's like, hey, man, isn't it funny that, like, the last time the Nets were really good,

they were led by Julius Irving. Now we got another irving leading them like you're talking about yourself no i did and by the way like it's your team for like six more months and kevin moran's coming back and like you're a fucking second fiddle again and who imagine imagine if i was just talking to you and i was just like man you, you know, KFC radio. Fucking thank God we got KFC, man. Like, okay, dick. Like, who likes this guy? I don't know who likes him. It's impossible.

And you know how hard it is to have someone on your team and he's the star of your team and you're just like, I don't like him? Yeah. That's crazy. That never happens. That's why it doesn't work. We're just like, like, fans. That's the star of my team. He's legitimately great at what he does. Yeah. At basketball like like fans there's like that's the star of my team he's legitimately great at what he does yeah basketball but you're like that's a star of

my team i want him to fail and i don't like him and you know what it's different like in you know you can have like a diva wide receiver and it's just like whatever we'll put up this bullshit and like tom will just throw him bombs in the end zone whatever uh basketball you can't do that just like you know he has the ball and like that's it there's no way you can just like all right don't worry about him like it's it like he becomes the identity of that team and that's it has the ball and that's it. There's no way you can just don't worry about him. It's it. He becomes the identity of that team and that's it. And the Nets are just so fucking trash, man. They really are.

They're just so irrelevant. It doesn't matter. It's become impressive. When they were good, nobody cared. When they're bad, nobody cared. It's an irrelevance you kind of strive for. Doesn't matter what i do anyone 15 games in a row i can lose 50 games in a row whatever that's a it's a great place to

live if you're not like a insane competitor like that's where i would want to live like nobody watch me nobody nobody pay attention in brooklyn no one i mean if they go and they win a championship it'll be different but i remember i don't know yeah i know that i'm even coming around on that now because i remember thinking like this is so embarrassing that, like, the Nets, they came in with one offseason and, like, stole the town. And, like, they didn't really, you know. And I know Durant's not here yet. I mean, if they, I don't know, they would have to go, like, 74-8.

They'd have to, like, break the record or something like that. Otherwise, I think people are just, like. And even then, I think every conversation about them would start, I guess we're talking about the Nets now. Yeah, right, right. It's like they're forcing us to do so. If you just say, like, New York basketball conversation about them would start, I guess we're talking about the Knicks, the Nets now. Yeah, right, right. It's like they're forcing us to do so. If you just say, like, New York basketball, it'll be like, let's talk about how bad the Knicks are,

and then we'll talk about how fucking okay the Nets are or whatever. Fucking asshole that guy is. Anyway, back to Clearview. I don't know. There's nothing you can do. I was like, how can you combat this? You can't, right? That's it.

If you've ever been on the internet, have you ever had a picture taken. It reminds me of the... Maybe if you grow a sexy-ass beard, your face would be different. It reminds me of in the 90s when Clinton, they were basically gave China technology and thinking that if the people learn about this,

then they will rise up and blah, blah, blah. And I think it was clinton on like the senate floor said something along the lines of like yeah i guess china can try and uh try and uh harness the internet but that's like trying to nail jelly to the wall and like the whole senate floor like laughed and i was like ah they can't they can't regulate what happens on the internet and now trying to just like run just decides what you're allowed to see decides what you can work and it's like never underestimate the asians never underestimate like that where it's like yeah you can try and stop this ah it's impossible no

fucking shot guess what's gonna happen god damn it by the way today is the 16th anniversary of howard dean going crazy that, he got so fucked over. Think about all the shit that politicians do now. All he did was get overexcited and sound a little desperate, and they cancelled that motherfucker like he raped a kid. I said it when Bernie

was backing out of his driveway. Did you see that video? It was so fucking funny. I could have absolutely guessed that. And I'm going to show it to you so we can put it in. I feel like, you know, if you didn't see that coming. But I said in the blog, I was like, I know disqualifying doesn't really mean anything anymore. And that was the last time it meant something, I think.

This is disqualifying. This is so fucking funny. Where did Bernie live, by the way? Of course. Oh, no, not even close. He's going out that direction? I would have guessed a million dollars he was going left. Holy shit.

Yeah, stuff a little cracked open. That's very funny. I mean, it's the worst driving i've ever seen and the crazy thing is too like he posted that yeah it wasn't it wasn't paparazzi in the bushes bernie sanders posted that to bernie sanders that almost makes me like woke on it being like like yeah yeah that's good how to drive get that up there yeah yeah it's a gun girl putting all that shit out it's like why why are these What are you doing? You know, you don't have to put everything. The Howard Dean is, I mean, Chappelle jumped on it and it became like a pop culture phenomenon,

I guess. And that's long enough, old enough now that there's probably a lot of young people who don't even know it. But like he had just taken an L. That's why he was doing that speech. So he wasn't like killing it, but he was one of the favorites. And gone. Yeah!

I mean, Bill Clinton fucks kids. Allegedly. I think that's illegal allegedly. That's not me being like, hang on. We have to say that so we don't get in trouble. There have been people... The Kennedys have fucking killed that so we don't get in trouble. But there have been people.

The Kennedys have fucking killed people. I guess, again, allegedly. Donald Trump, millions of accusations. You can rape. You can kill. You can do all sorts of shady shit. Steal. Murder.

You say it would be all weird. You're gone. Like fucking dead. That was it. Somebody tweeted me today that the news networks once apologized to him. Like, many, many years later. Really? Like, all of the news networks were like, you know, that was fucked up. It was like a group call.

Yeah. I mean, that's why, I don't know. It was probably a network to that. I can't imagine. They all had a moment of silence at the same time for him. But it sounds like at least one network, I guess, was like, yeah, man, that was fucked up. We just, like, ran you. Like, you like we railroaded you like real hard because you just got excited we just ruined you could you imagine like the the pr team and like the his

camp they were just like i don't know sir like you said yeah apparently that's it like add that to the list of like now we know like that was political trailblazing we know don't ever look hysterical on camera for one second. Don't ever even sound desperate and certainly don't say, yeah. I almost, I would vote for someone now who came out like, yeah, 2020. They just made that their fucking campaign and joked about that. Yeah, fuck this guy. Let's go.

This guy's what's up. Poor Howard Dean, dude. What does he even do anymore? I think he's a consultant. I think he's like He's priced Like anyone who was once in politics They just go on news shows And talk about

Write books And give speeches And make millions Right Best things ever happened Really to him to be honest That's a big bullet You were almost president

I can't wait for Trump to be out Not because of fucking politics I just want to hear him be like That was terrible That was the worst eight years of my life Fuck this Alright voicemails time Or we got more Let's do it Voicemails today Brought to you by Movement That was terrible. That was the worst eight years of my life. Fuck this. All right.

Voicemails time. We got more. Let's do it. Voicemails today brought to you by Movement. Two million watches worldwide. I think I have probably about like 500,000 of them. We got so many Movement watches around here, and I still rock all of them. I still, to this day, am partial to the tan leather wristband, black face, blue hands.

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They also got the sunglasses uh to match i actually just ordered the the like the clear like translucent frames with like a blue blue lenses yeah yeah i feel like that's like a miami thing yeah i gotta go miami we gotta go miami tanning too yeah we gotta go tanning and see 1917 what's that like tonight okay yeah i think i'm doing we talked about it on Radio Thursday. I'm going to do a spray tan. I don't think I can get tanned in a bed. Oh, I'm going to burn myself up, baby.

I'm going to come in tomorrow with a sunburn. I'll be tanned by Sunday. I'll be tanned by Sunday. That's a promise. I still... Do you really think we're going to be on the beach and shit in Miami? I don't know about on the beach, but I miami um i don't know about the beach but i know like we have like fucking hot tubs and balconies and stuff okay i'll be on that i just

i just i'm so curious to see how this plays out because we usually never like have much downtime or party time at superbowls but also people are always kind of on alert about dave to begin with and now that it's in miami and he is on the watch for people trying to boondoggle and shit, I think if you're seen on the beach or at the bars or the clubs or whatever, you're going to get fucking ruined out. But here's the thing, too, about the difference in Miami versus regular Super Bowls.

Even going to lunch is like... No, but we're in town now. We've always been like 45 minutes from radio and from downtown. We stay in the big houses outside the city. We are always been like 45 minutes from radio and from downtown. We stay in big houses outside the city. We are on South Beach. Right, so you do your work and then you're not traveling around. You're not wasting two hours of commuting

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Big fan of We Gotta Believe. And I want to run something by you guys. Dramatic pause. I'm working. And this girl comes in and we chatted up. And then she comes in a couple weeks later. And it turns out she stalks me. Finds my Instagram out of nowhere. Didn't give her my name.

Didn't give her anything. She finds me. I message her first on Instagram. And then all of a sudden we've been talking these couple days and trying to make the conversation go. And it's just dying on me. Now, what do you guys think I should do next? Do I keep pursuing this girl? I mean, she went out of her way to find my name, to find me on Instagram and follow me.

We have no one in contact, no connections, no nothing. So obviously she wants me, but I just don't know how to go about this. It's almost like she's playing hard to get. She's a little bit older than me. She's got a great job in New York City. How do I go about this? Thanks. So she finds him on Instagram?

That's what it sounds like. Totally separate otherwise? I don't understand what's happening. Wait, where do they originally connect? It sounds like he works at a bar or something, met her at the bar while he was working. Okay. And she found his Instagram. I mean, this is for sure on in some capacity.

Girls are not doing that. I mean, maybe she's in it for the bartender free drinks or something like that. What's that? Maybe she has that stuff. She's using that Clearview AI. She's snapping pics. I mean, I don't think,

I'm not going to say if a girl finds you on Instagram and whatever, that means she wants to fuck you and marry you, but there's some level of intrigue there that I think you should be confident about it. Yeah. This is a weird voicemail for me. It sounds like this girl likes you. I don't's fuck you so now yeah so now you start the woman yeah

i don't i don't get it what is like kfc radio 2020 fuck the woman hey can put the inflection on that all over the place yeah hey let's go with a n um but the fuck the women is, I don't know. That was my toughest sell. But like, I mean, maybe, maybe the conversation's not going well or something like that. Like maybe whatever he's been saying in the DMs is not working, but that's on you, dude. Like she saw you at a bar, took the time to do what girls do and then to friend you. Like it's not playing hard to get at all. I think this is on like Donkey Kong. Don't fucking shit in your own pants. Yeah. Don it up yeah i don't know like this is i can't believe this is i i guess i feel bad i i feel like this is actually a testament and i don't know if girls

like realize this like the anxiety that goes into chasing a girl like this guy is quadruple guessing himself right now. Calling us up to say what to do. It's like, this girl likes you. Hey, does this girl want to have sex with me? Seems like it. At the very least, she wants to talk to you. And at the very, very, very least, you'll probably see her again at your bar.

She'll probably come back. But girls don't realize that years and years and years of chasing or being shot down or whatever now has guys everywhere all fucked up. And so she's probably like – she's probably going to call the show and be like, I fucking friended this guy on Instagram. I saw him at the bar. I'm laying it on thick and he won't even fuck me. What do I do?

It doesn't matter. I think that would be like advice to – it doesn't matter how thick you lay it on. I think guys in general speak personally to me. To ease the nerves, you mean? I'll never know. I think most guys... Oh, yeah. You missed the signals?

You stalked this man, went out of your way to contact him, and he's like, does she like me? That's every guy. Yeah. It's like, I don't miss signs. It's just I'm blind. No, it's not even... I didn't possibly see it. I'm not like, well, that's every guy. Yeah. There are, like, it's like, I don't miss signs. It's just, I'm blind. No, it's not even. I didn't possibly see it.

I'm not like, well, that girl wants me. Like, you could have my penis in your hand. I'd be like, I don't know if she wants to do this. Because I can't process that you would. I know. Well, that's the thing. We were, you know, we're depressed. We have self-doubt in spades.

So it's, like, hard for us to imagine that, we, we have, we're depressed. We have self doubt in spades. So it's like hard for us to imagine that like any, I've even noticed like a little bit with like, sometimes I look at other bloggers or like, like the way Dave lives or whatever. And it's like, it doesn't even register to me that like, it's like, we're in the same boat.

It's a completely different species. Yeah. Like, like I think Dave was saying this the other day where he's talking about how, like, he looks at old pictures of himself and is like, oh. But in the time, he was like, I am fucking awesome. Right. And it's like, I look at old pictures of myself and I'm like, oh. And in the time, I'm like, oh.

Yeah, I know. This isn't it. I'm gross then. I'm gross now. I'm going to look back in 20 years and 20 years from that and 20 years from that, I'm always going to think I was gross. I'm always going to be like, that was disgusting. What was wrong with you? I'm going to be looking in a mirror or at a picture. I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah. New, old, future, whatever. It doesn't matter. I will never be like, yeah, girls want to fuck. Girls want to fuck me. Yeah. And I'm the right one. Yeah, I'm the right one. You shouldn't want to fuck me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not being like, I'm not lamenting that I don one yeah i'm right yeah you shouldn't want to talk to you don't don't get me wrong i'm not being like i'm not lamenting that i don't i'm right yeah i have the proper

level of confidence it's none i i could not imagine having confidence like could you imagine being brad pitt no i know brad pitt brad pitt is on such a level he took a picture with jennifer aniston it was just a picture of him in the same vicinity as her. It was front page of the New York papers today. Like, gossip websites, chicks in the office going bananas, comments by celebs probably were fucking coming to it. I can't imagine that feeling of being like, everybody loves me and is interested in me,

and Jennifer Aniston too. It's like, for both of them, I i could not i could not function that way i would never be able to function like he walk into a room be like every woman here wants to fuck me every guy wants to talk to me uh everybody likes me everyone's looking at i just could never imagine but he's so fucking cool like he i bet he i bet he thinks more like me and you yeah yeah yeah and you know what that's what's funny is like it's like It's like youth is wasted on the young or whatever. You said a funny one the other day, too. What was it?

I don't remember anything I said. Basically, all of those things you ever want are wasted on. Oh, I was wasted on the homeless. Okay, maybe not now. That was truly ridiculous. But it's like the grass is always greener and then the people who have that green grass or the you know it's it's i'm sure you're right that even those guys have their i just read on some level you have to i actually you have to acknowledge

your status sometimes i think like i think it's dangerous for brad pitt or another celebrity to not acknowledge that he's super hot and super coveted because you're going to have people coming at you. You know what I mean? You're going to get manipulated. You're going to get taken advantage of. You have to admit on some level, I'm fucking awesome. He explains it very beautifully and tragically almost in the GQ thing. By the way, GQ, I mean mean i'm not breaking any news here but

when gq drops like an expose on somebody it's always like the one there adam sandler brad pitt uh they did one of jonah hill like every time they do it it's like i'm always up i'm a huge gq fan i've been a gq fan since i was like a child i was reading like when i was like seven like i read it doesn't surprise me it was like i took all my whole life is like based on like that ask the bartender segment. They do one a month. I think the last three have been Larry David, Diplo,

Brad Pitt. They're all fucking awesome. Granted, they're all talking about wildly interesting people. The Brad Pitt one, they're talking about his name. First of all, Brad Pitt is so massive that he retired and we didn't notice. We still just think he works all the time. He starred in two movies in the last decade. Obviously, this one.

Ad Astra. Ad Astra. And Inglourious Bastards. He's done a little bit roles. But he did Ad Astra and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Fury. That's pretty old, though. That was like 2013. 2013, 2014. It's been a while. But he just did two blockbusters, so it doesn't feel like this. and once upon a time Hollywood Fury that's pretty old 2013

2013, 2014 it's been a while but he just did two blockbusters so it doesn't feel like this but right now but also it doesn't matter

four years ago you could have been like Brad Pitt and be like oh what a star and he is don't get me wrong he is

you're right but that's also there's a certain level of beauty that like Kay Beckinsale doesn't have to do anything

Jessica Alba doesn't do anything anymore but he just doesn't he doesn't want to even anything. Jessica Alba doesn't do anything anymore. But he just doesn't want to. Even the only reason he did Ad Astra is because it's his production company and the only reason it would get made was the only reason he would finance it is if... I heard it was really good.

But it was the... He only did that one because he wanted it to get made. He's actually, in this article, his production company is called Plan B, which is very cool where it's where you go when no one else will take you. Oh, alright.

It's 10 to 70 million dollar budget movies because he's like, no one makes those movies anymore. That's cool. It's always an indie or a blockbuster. And he's like, I do the middle of the road movies. The ones that... But anyway, the article's about... because it was written for Ad Astra. So it's like do you see a lot of similarities between this character and yours?

I haven't seen the movie, but apparently it's kind of a guy who's a little lost in the world. Definitely. And it's a great move by – a great role by him. He's on the camera. He's on camera like the entire movie. He carries the whole movie. And he's got like father issues and family issues, and that's why he's kind of like alone and secluded in space and all that kind of shit so i definitely can but that's actually you know it's pretty depressing like to right if that's how

he feels about himself it's a very depressing character it's that it's that but he's anyone else describe himself as he's a gazelle he's like i'm a gazelle but i love stop i don't know what what else like why that's awesome if you could like, I'm a gazelle, awesome. He's like, I'm just like... He only meets... He doesn't do press ever. He's very secluded, very alone. He only meets at places where neither

the reporter nor he have ever been. You don't go to his house. You don't go to his studio. You don't go to his office. They're like hanging out by a random pool. Is there any... Just the way he likes it? you don't go to his office like you just they meet they they're like hanging out by like a random pool is there any like just the way he likes yeah i don't know but the i like the way the rock does it where it's like me and me in hawaii yeah yeah that's that's you come to my place yeah but he he's like i'm a gazelle and like you talk about like the like the manipulation and all that stuff is like and there's there's just lions everywhere yeah but there's no other

gazelles and he's like and then i think the reporter's like, well, how many gazelles do you think there are on the planet? He's like, there are about five of us. Does he allude to who he thinks? The only one he gives is Leo. I would say Leo, Clooney, Brad Pitt. Me and Casey were talking about this last night. And like, after that, we were lost.

Who? Christian Bale, Tom Hardy. They don't have the tabloid aspect. Denzel was thrown out. Denzel doesn't have the tabloid aspect. Maybe the Royals. It's not as American but I could see them living that life

where it's crazy. The Royals have security and stuff like that. It's like they're politicians where it's like crazy. But even the Royals have security and stuff like that. It's like they're politicians where it's the country's job to protect you. There's no one's job to protect Brad Pitt unless he hires them. You think those guys roll with security? Yes. Maybe Bieber?

I would put Bieber. He's just so rare. His age, he's so young, made so much money. He's been in the spotlight literally his entire life. I would maybe put Bieber in that gazelle category in a different different maybe uh i don't know another animal like a gazelle but yeah different jt maybe a little bit but even he's like he's because he's stopped doing it he doesn't have he was like famous for a while but i mean he's still very famous but he doesn't really he does a great job i i if if i it's so crazy that the rocket said he would not trade lives with Justin Timberlake

because I think he might be the number one person to trade lives with. I don't know how he does it. He lives in such a way that he does kind of remain private, never gets into trouble. Except when you just get in trouble. For what? He was like... Touching that girl's hand?

Yeah. Come on. That's what I mean. If that's in trouble, you're doing great, babe. That, to me, was so overhypedped but he got in trouble at home yeah that was a big problem right right i'm sure you know yeah you're in the doghouse for a long time on that one maybe forever but uh he i mean still got zillions of dollars music movies all that shit i would i would trade with him in a fucking heartbeat that's why i don't think you can put them up there because he does

i feel like he lives a pretty he's not hounded all the time or if he does he manages it well. Leo, Brad Pitt, Clooney, maybe Bieber. There's got to be some Euro people, other people in the world across the globe that we don't know of or think of.

Yeah, there probably are three or four more out there. You know, he does that in such a charming, disarming, and insecure way. We're the prey. No, you're not. You are. Every time you go out, you're the prey. People want something.

I would say that 99% of people want to be around you and then the 1% are preying upon you. It's foolish to not if you're hot enough if you have a lot of money if you have a little bit of fame whatever it is you might think it's like arrogant or cocky

to talk about it or be about it but you kind of have to in certain ways you know it's like what Gaffigan said a couple weeks ago sometimes you gotta let people know how you're doing and then I think it's also like you have to let yourself you have to remind yourself like yeah i made 30 million dollars last year i'm like one of the best looking like how how can you how can you be confident uh how can you be uh humble when you're brad pitt it's like you are the de facto world sexiest man every time like he's the lebron where

it's like he should win it every year but but he doesn't. The photos in that spread are ridiculous. Absolutely absurd. I think about this a lot. It's just like, do you think those guys are humble? Or do they put on a front that they're humble? No, I think. I just don't think it's possible. I think it's possible.

I think at some point it becomes undeniable like i think this with hot girls all the time i think it's crazy that really like definite like 10 out of 10 girls can't be like yeah i'm hot without being viewed as like a bitchy girl you know what i mean it's like it is what it is like you you look in the mirror you know you have eyes and tits and ass and body that like the that society has deemed to be hot you have it all but you can't like admit to it or whatever because it you know it feels like you're bragging that or something like that brad pitt on some level you can't be humble anymore no how can you be humble get it but it's also i think i think it's more it's like it doesn't matter like if ever in the

whole world telling you you're hot and you look in the mirror like i'm not that hot it's like that's yeah that's that's just like but but don't you know we always say like we'd rather the people think it than actually be it so wouldn't you be like whatever i don't care if i don't think i'm not that hot it's like that's yeah that's that's just like but but don't you know we always say like we'd rather the people think it than actually be it so wouldn't you be like whatever i don't care if i don't think i'm hot everyone else does so we're good you know he might be like that but maybe he doesn't i don't know i'm just saying like i i can find it possible to be that popular successful good looking i think it's i mean it's it's happened a million times over society and we're still like i can't possibly be it where it's happened a million times over society, and we're still like, I can't possibly be it. Where it's just like, I've been crazy, like, insecure, and I hate it. And, like, everyone's always like, oh, celebrities are so insecure. No, no, no, that I understand.

If someone has, like, depression or deep insecurities, like, that I get. You can be the best of the best of the best, and your brain's wired wrong. But if all that's okay, if you're normal, whatever the you know word is you think it's possible to to you know you have attained what everybody wants the money the job the looks the girl the status all of it you know you've done it you think that that guy still is kind of like i don't know i'm like a little uncomfortable my own skin yeah i think it's absolutely i i like it's like i don't think there i don't think there's anything that will I think it's absolutely... I, like... It's like... If it's so much greener, I don't think there's anything

that will ever stop it. So, like, let's say it gets... You know, this rocket ship continues and we actually own the moon and all this stuff and it's like,

versus sports is massive, massive, massive and everything that happens is happening. I can't foresee a future where I'm, like, different. Like, it doesn't matter. Yeah.

I mean, I guess I've never thought about it so maybe you're right. I mean but no, I guess you're right because it's like you know, we launched ATI and like life didn't change at all. You know what I mean? I'm always like I wish we just had that one

monster like the PMT, the call me daddy like boom rocket ship and then like we found something like that and it's just like okay, still the same. Yeah, life just goes on. on but i don't know i feel like there's that's still within like the realm of normal people where it's like it just blows my mind that brad pitt and and those guys could be walking around being like this sucks life sucks i i i definitely subscribe i definitely subscribe to like more money more problems I'm sure that guy deals with shit that we just can't even comprehend. But to the basic stuff – and I think this is where people – the very cliché, trite, corny –

like celebrities think – when they talk about politics and shit, it's like celebrities don't know what real life is. It's like blah, blah, blah. It's like shut the fuck up because they have a whole other set of problems. And also most celebrities came from like like the celebrities are most celebrities aren't born into celebrity well that also almost more to the point like i think if you're born into it you're like you know you can't understand it but brad pitt being like i was a nobody on like people's like sleeping on the couch to now here and i've earned it you know i'm always like it's like it's still i think again it's being the psychology

he's like it's still like if i fuck up i might just end up back in the ozarks and it's like you yeah like you won't you you have so much money you right right but it's still in your head like well and i guess back there i guess every actor too goes through like a million auditions and like louis ck i remember talking like uh pre-fall of his where he was like, you think I'm fucking rich and successful. I failed for 30 straight years before this. If I failed for five straight years, if I failed for a year, I'd give up. To do it 30 years and then pop. I failed one time.

Yeah. I'm too afraid to even start. Yeah, that's wild, man. I just failed in my head and I just decided not to do it. In the shower. I lost in the shower and that was wild, man. I just felt it in my head and I just decided not to do it. In the shower. I lost in the shower and that was it, man. God, the gazelle analogy, that was fucking unbelievable. All right, let's see the next voicemail.

I've got a KFC radio question. I'm watching an old episode of Seinfeld. if you get abducted by aliens, would you rather be put in the zoo or the circus? All right, now back to KMC Radio here. Our long, deep dive on the psyche of man. Would you rather be in the alien zoo or the alien circus? Oh, the zoo. The zoo is like, you know, they pamper you and really, or maybe not pamper you, but

they leave you alone and let you do your thing when they feed you and shit. Yeah, the zoo. The circus is like, dance for me, monkey. You don't have to do anything. Yeah, the circus. What would I even do with the circus? What else would I do? Push-ups? That's a good question. What would aliens make humans do that is

like, wow. Fucking drugs. They probably make you get drunk. Yeah, wow. Fucking drugs. They probably could get drunk. Yeah, like watch this idiot. Maybe circus. That would be pretty fun. I could see aliens being so much on a higher level, being like

these primitive beings poison their bloodstream until they act silly. Let's watch this happen. Yeah, I bet an alien zoo is like rushing a fraternity. Yeah. Where it's just like hey you gotta listen to this stupid song

for 24 hours straight I can see that you gotta do pushups a lot you gotta drink a lot wait no you mean the circus then right yeah yeah

that's what it says yeah zoos where the aliens think you're leaving them alone yeah the circus is just they make you just do a bunch of

I feel like that and I'll tell you what it's people it's the idea like it's like you would think people hate it but they're the tell you what, it's people. It's the idea. It's like you would think you hate it, but there are things I like. Yeah.

It's like Russian return. It's like you had a fight. You got to wrestle. You got to drink. Okay. Well, all right. It's down for all those things. You think that I guarantee aliens are so advanced.

They don't masturbate. I could see them being like, look at this. You got jerk their own dicks. Look at these fucking idiots. I don't masturbate. I could see them being like, these fuckers. Look at these, these guys jerk their own dicks. Look at these fucking idiots. I don't think it, I think they'll masturbate. You think aliens masturbate? I think aliens, absolutely,

they might just masturbate with their mind, but aliens make themselves cum. Okay, that's fine. But that's what I mean. It's like, it would be, you know, something primitive as grabbing

and rubbing your dick. I think the alien circus, they just make you jerk off. You stand on a pedestal and you jerk off. Whereas aliens are so, they can just go like, come. I don't know if I would want that. There needs to be some sort of barrier

to stop me from doing it all day long. You know what I mean? I think he's walking with a big cum in your pants. Oh, no. We were talking about that on CCK. We were talking all the penis stuff like that someone tweeted me like don't forget to cum in your pants yeah that happens a lot too you cum in your pants a lot i'm not like i'm not a full cum what does that mean i'll jerk off and i'll put my dick away and then later it wasn't all out you don't do that it doesn't happen to you that happens to you no you'll never be a little

leakage you guys yeah yeah yeah how long are we talking like you'll have to peel your fucking dick tip off your boxers because it'll be like stuck peel my dick tip i mean that's happened but that's just like dried cum oh all right dried cum is different well it's it wasn't dry didn't immediately come out dry it leaked a little bit and then it dried. No, no, no, no, no. Yes! I'm saying for me. I don't have any cum leak out of my dick after I jerk off.

Yes, you do. I have it maybe like right on the tip. But there's no... That means you're just... That means you're fucking... There's no wet spot. You're shaking a lot. No, there's no...

Yeah, I mean, I fucking get all that cum out, baby. Oh, see, I don't... I'll fucking... I squeeze that shit like the toothpaste tube. Yoink! I get it out. I, uh... There will never be a wet spot in my boxers from cum after I drink off.

What about from pee? Pre-pre... Yeah, I mean, peeing, you know. I probably got it right now. I mean, if you don't pee your pants, you're not an adult. I mean, you're a prick. I mean, you're going to be a disaster when you're like an old man when that actually becomes an issue

you know just wear diapers I'll start wearing a diaper by the time I'm 42 probably for your 42nd birthday I'm gonna get you a box of Depends Trent and I invented the it's gonna be a like basically a pouch in the front

that it's a little extra it's a little thicker so it's almost like a mini diaper and also front that it's a little extra it's a little thicker so it's almost like a mini diaper and also that will add to a bulge so it really solves

the problem there you go that's a good idea I mean did you ever think that the the classic like fly overlap you know what I mean

yeah is that for leakage no because there's just like an extra layer sometimes I did think that I never thought about it I don't think so

but maybe because then why wouldn't there just be like because your dick will fall out if it's just a hole yeah as you're walking it just right right true true you ever just have like i've sometimes put it that i didn't put it fully away so it's like still kind of like stuck in the serpentine thing i did i did just yesterday i was walking home i was at a bar watching Liverpool and I was walking to a store and I had a piss

so I stopped and ran a bar and kind of hurried out because I was uncomfortable I wasn't buying anything speaking of uncomfortable and then like as I was walking

down the street I was just like ah shit my dick's hanging out of my pants it's hanging out of my box it's not my pants so I was just like

walking down the street with my hand in my pants. Pulling your dick in. You're so weird with your dick. You just don't know how to use your dick. You're like a little boy. You haven't figured out how to pee. You haven't figured out how to cum.

You definitely don't know how to fuck. You can't even put your underpants on. I was wearing my small underpants though. So that's probably why. Let me get my hands on those underwear. I'm throwing them out. I'm going to find them in Miami. I'm going to be rifling through your bag,

looking for a pair of small boxers to fucking throw in the trash. Small briefs. Small briefs. What a fucking asshole you are. Alien zoo. I don't get why people trash the zoo so much like animal rights people i don't know i find this quite depressing why because it's a fucking tiger and it decides this room no it's not though it's not much bigger yeah they are comparatively speaking to a fucking

plane in africa yeah they're much all right but here's the thing. Like, how much did the lions... I don't know. Maybe I just don't know enough about animals. Like, do they just keep on roaming, or do they ever just kind of, like, settle into one spot? Like, Pride Rock. They just lived on that fucking rock in Lion King.

Like, do they really need that much space? You can go wherever the fuck you want. I mean, the zoo I... The Bronx Zoo's pretty fucking big. I'm not talking about, like, yeah. I mean, you put them in, like, a glass tank. I get that. But, like, half the time I go to the zoo, I don't

even see fucking animals because they're like off into the forest. They're just in their room. Like it's a room. I would guess it's like making you live in this office. I would bet you like you don't get the world. You get this office. It's pretty big. You know, you're not like confined to this tiny, tiny space. I feel like the zoo is bigger than that

comparison. I feel like the zoo. I think like the zoo is bigger than that comparison. I feel like the zoo. I feel like comparatively speaking from African plane to zoo is probably comparable to Manhattan to this office. Yeah, okay. That's what I mean though. Like if I, if you confine me to Manhattan

like if my life was Manhattan and then it was like, but now you have to stay in this one spot in Manhattan. I don't think that's that bad. But you have to stay inside this office. It's pretty bad. I guess you're talking to the wrong guy. As long as the people here, that sucks. The people who work here,

I'm stuck with. Yeah, you can suck with random lions. Maybe not. Maybe not. Stop crying. I feel like they mistreat the Shamus a lot. Otherwise, if you're in the zoo, it's probably pretty fucking good. I would not like it.

Especially, like, you know what? Maybe the lion, like the top dogs. But, like, you're not going to get fucking eaten over there, gazelle. Yeah, that's true. You know? You're guaranteed some fucking security. I promise you that. Let's keep going.

We'll do one more, and then we'll do Ben Bailey, right? Yes. All right, one more. What's up, fellas? Pat from NJ calling in. I just wanted to know, what do you think would be more cringeworthy, or what would people get more secondhand embarrassment from? If your AIM messages, your AIM messages, or conversations were released,

or if your MySpace statuses or posts on your wall got released to the public. I feel like we were all so awkward back then, so I just want to know which one would be worse. I didn't do MySpace, so I'm going to just say Facebook

is the equivalent. I think the more embarrassing thing is the more... I wouldn't be embarrassed by my my aim conversations because i'd be like i was in seventh grade dude like we're all fucking dorks you know what i mean right like once you start getting into college and and you were still like posting like an asshole then i think then you know it's like you you're you were old enough to know that like it's like funny it's like funny douchebaggery when you're a child. Yeah, right. It's like I didn't know anything yet.

I was just goofing around. It would probably be pretty like I'd probably just laugh at myself and be like, this is kind of cute. Whatever. It's funny when you're fifth, sixth, seventh grade being a dummy. When you're like 22, getting out of college, still posting cringy shit. That's bad. Yeah. I was actually talking about this last night i think where like the uh speaking of douchebaggery where i'm so lucky that like my dad didn't was my dad and like

was just like i was not allowed to be a douchebag yeah and like in a different world because like i was thinking of two things in particular like i was super overcorrected. One, my first AIM screen name was PuckMe69. Right. And your dad was like, nope. Immediately like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And that was taken away. Some people just had that their whole life. Yeah.

That was their AIM screen name. Your dad didn't know about it. Your dad didn't care. Right. It was just like, you were allowed to continue being a douchebag. And no one stopped you. And then... Your dad put his foot down.

The other one I had where I hung up a whole Sports Illustrated down the other one i have where i like hung up like a whole sports illustrated model yeah swimsuit it's hung all of my room and my dad tits and ass they were up for like 15 seconds yeah i was like what do you live in a fucking frat house take all of this down yeah and that's like somebody was allowed to live like yeah with models around i'm like yeah dude like i'd like to fuck that chick right right it was like he's like listen you fucking you keep that shit private. You go jerk off in the bathroom. Not in your bedroom looking at the wall

because you got a fucking shrine to look at, you weirdo. That was... And also that time that he made you be a Ruins fan. That was important, too. Yeah, that's true. Don't be the asshole roots for a New York team in a different city. I loved Marc Messier. I didn't love the Rangers because of Marc Messier.

But yeah. Enough that you had shit up in your walls or whatever, right? He was like, nope, you're done. No, you're over this. I had a Marc Messier. I didn't love the range. I loved the range because of Mark Messier. But yeah. Enough that you, you know, had shit up in your walls or whatever, right? He was like, nope, you're done. No, you're over this. I had a Mark Messier jersey. That was no longer as long ago. I don't think I ever had. My dad never.

I don't think either of my parents. I can count on, you know, two fingers at times that I like really like fucked up as a kid and my parents kind of had to step in. Otherwise, they weren't like fuck-ups. It wasn't like. Yeah. It wasn't like. I got a rest. You know, I was drinking. Otherwise, they weren't like fuck-ups. It wasn't like – Yeah. It wasn't even – I got arrested.

I was drinking. Yeah, that happened plenty of times. Those conversations were not as easy. My parents were like the bumper lanes in bowling. You know what I mean? Like for the most part, I'm just going. I'm just living. And then every now and then, I like drift off, and they just kind of like knock me back to the ball.

They're not like stopping me. They're not locking me up. I'm still rolling forward. But they just kind like stopping me they're not locking me up i'm still rolling forward but they just you know kind of you know that's the way i drift you know it was it wasn't even like they weren't arguments it was almost it was just like someone needed to be like really yeah and you're like yeah you're right right what am i doing i think that's the best way to parent too though like like just kind of course correct yeah because then you don't get the rebellion you know what i mean if your dad was like a real asshole about the the rangers maybe you would have been like fuck you dad i know kids that are like that i know guys who root for the opposite of their dad amount of people who are

like oh my dad was a giants fan so i'm a cowboy like oh okay so you guys don't love each other you have you come from a broken home okay weirdo that's not normal that's what if you're one of those kids you're a fucking psychopath right or your dad your dad's a psychopath and you like had every right to rebel or something one of you was an asshatter well we have but like you know if like my dad beat me i'd be like all right i'm rooting for the fucking vikings instead of the packers fuck you you know i don't know whatever it may be just want to catch more and then yeah yeah either way you're the huge vikings fan like whatever fuck team you like dude i'll be the like i'll like that team put the

belt away yeah yeah no i mean that that to me the the like ease with which people say that like yeah you know i root for the opposite of my dad because you know like uh no because why finish that sentence weirdo go to a fucking therapist uh what was the original question i have no idea the uh my space yeah what do you think you're most embarrassing? Like, do you have, like, a post in mind that you, like, particularly? I have absolutely no idea. My aim away message is there was one time where it was, there was, like, a phase where I would just put up Lloyd Banks lyrics all the time.

See, that is funny. It's just funny now. Yeah. But I was probably getting up towards college for Lloyd Banks. Because G-Unit was high school. Lloyd Banks solo was in college. So I was probably a college kid. And I probably put up an away message that said,

that's why my dick gets more tongue than shoelaces. I was a college kid putting up an away message that said, that's why you bitches blowing on me like Nintendo games. You were in college for that? Probably. I mean, Lloyd Bang, you know, by that age. So, like, those are pretty cringy. I don't think I had, like, I honestly have no idea.

I have no memory of anything over a week ago. You are a goldfish. So, yeah, I don't know. I'm not saying there was nothing embarrassing. There's definitely embarrassing things. Right so yeah i don't know i i'm not i'm not saying there was nothing embarrassing there's definitely embarrassing right i just don't know well the only thing block that out suppress the only thing i really remember is there's one time i like confessed to a girl that i like really liked her and i don't know shut you down right she just signed off right you hear the door closed it was? It was like two hours of getting by, like, writing it and editing it and getting up the courage.

And then this is why. This is why that there are the guys out there when they get the Instagram follow and DM that they're like, what do I do? Because when you were in seventh fucking grade, you laid your heart on the line and all you heard was the AIM door closed. Dude, did you, speaking of the AIM, did you ever get tricked into one of those fucking things where you told everyone you had a crush on them? No. Yeah, that. Just the worst. Yeah, that was like the worst thing that's ever happened to you. I feel for you

through that. It was in all time. What was it? It was like, list the five people who you have a crush on. And they'll tell you which one works for you. And then you put it in and it just tells all of them. That, whoever made that it just sends a message you know you know the very overused phrase the very overused phrase of some men just want to watch the world burn like whoever coded that or came up with that

thing you're a monster you're absolutely like you made me a societal monster like it honestly that play like like i i've never told anyone verbally like who i had a crush on ever again ever again like it's it it ruined my life dude it ruined my life you you were at a point where you were like because think about it how old were you by princess middle school right okay so yeah in your mind you could have been like six or fifteen right but think about like you're a good looking guy you're good at sports at sports. You can talk. You can write. Well, you got it all there. Really, you're the full package, John.

And you could have gone on to be Brad Pitt. You could have been a gazelle. And that fucking AIM chain mail trick ruined me. Two roads diverged in a wood, and the one is now this. It ruined you. I'm terrified of intimacy because of an AIM prank 20 years ago. So true. I can't tell you what I care about them. I can't tell

you who I have crushes on. I can't be honest with anyone because of a fucking code. Ask John this question right now. Nick, ask John this question. Who are the hottest girls in Hollywood? Who's your top five girls? He won't tell you. No idea. He can't do it. But who are like the hottest girls in in in hollywood who's your top five girls he won't tell you no idea i can't do it but if i who are the top five guys rattles them off you cannot confess your female love or preferences or attraction to anybody i can't

confess affection yeah i can't i can't hug i did destroy me It's not your fault. Like, I don't like this. It's not your fault. It's not your fault, John. Oh, we just had... I'm going to hold on until it gets extra weird. Like a family guy joke that goes on too long and then it comes back around again. God, I hate... Oh, God, I love you. We love you.

This is the worst. Let's get into Ben Bailey. today's interview is brought to you by hydrant hydrant creates flavored electrolyte packs that you mix directly into your water to help hydrate your body and make it delicious i hate drinking water shout out to me and frank the tank team anti-water pennsylvania raised there what did I say? Water? Yeah. Water? You hit a water hard. Water? Water fucks me up. That word fucks me up. Because sometimes, like, I definitely don't ever say, like, how do you say it?

Water. Water. How do you say it? Water. Water. Nick? Water. It's a pretty universally said word. No, I think it's not.

I feel like, I think there's water. I think there's water. I think there's, like, I think some people say water. Ah. It's the ah sound. Let's go water. Yeah, water. Water. Water. Like, water think there's water. I think there's water. I think there's like, I think some people say water. Ah. Ah. Water. Yeah. Water.

Water. Water. Like water. No, water. I say water. And then there's wood. There. And there's water.

And there's hydrant. And then the point is drinking, drinking any version of that. Ah. Ah. Me. It's, it's so apropos that me and friend the tank two of the most negative people on the planet reject the like one thing that humans need it's like yeah the source of life oxygen and water and i'm like that second one not really keen on it at all so hydrant comes in and they mix it up

with some flavoring and some electrolytes to make the water uh extra watery really you know extra lively yeah there you go you're gonna get extra life in you and honestly the amount of problems that are caused by dehydration it's crazy again it's just because it's the one thing i'm good at in my life yeah i know i know it's actually the only thing keeping you alive because you're so bad about everything else but it's like i'm just like oh my god my body hurts and i'm tired and i'm this and i'm that and all these bad things like because you're so bad about everything else. But it's like, I'm just like, oh, my God, my body hurts, and I'm tired, and I'm this, and I'm that, and all these bad things. It's like, well, you're not giving it the fuel it needs. Imagine if you just didn't have gas in your car. It's not working.

It's like, yeah, you didn't put gas in it. You're not putting any water in your body, dude. So hydrant comes along, and they make it that much easier to hydrate your body. You're not going to have the headaches or the energy slumps or the poor focus. It doesn't have to be that way. You're doing it to yourself. So to avoid the sluggishness and the slumps, get involved with hydrant, uh, hydrant. Like I said, it has the flavored packs.

You just mix it right in spices up the water. So when you're supposed to drink like eight glasses a day, well, now you mix in hydrant hydrant and you actually enjoy it. Uh, it starts at a buck a packet for a 30 day supply. So you can get 25% off at drinkhydrant.com and enter the promo code KFC at checkout. It's 25% off when you go to drinkhydrant.com

and use the promo code KFC. Start hydrating today. Ben Bailey, what do you got? How tall are you? 6'6". Yeah? I don't think so. You're tall, but 6'6 is huge, man. Have you been listening to my stand-up?

6'6 is... I have a bit about how people ask me how tall I am, and then they go, no. Really? Yeah. But how rude that is. Yeah. Sorry, man. So, we'll do the introduction here.

We're with Ben Bailey, six-time Emmy Award winner. He is starring in the, Ben Bailey Live. Yeah, to hell with those things. You got the nice hair. You don't want to mess that up anyway. It doesn't move. It's all one piece. Ben Bailey Live Tour kicks off January 25th in Cleveland.

Get tickets at therealbenbailey.com. What's up, short guy? You can pull that. Yeah, so 6'6 is a nice number. It's a nice number. People think it's great. People who are short think it's awesome, but it's just inconvenient. So I was wondering where the cutoff is.

I feel like 6'4 is good. 6'4 is good. You have all the advantages and none of the, you know, you don't hit your head on tree branches. Have you learned to walk yet? We had a kid. Kind of. We had a kid who worked for us. His name was a tall one.

I forget how tall he was. He was like 6'10". He was pushing self. It was like he was a regular human. It was a baby giraffe. He just fell all over the office all the time. He didn't know how to function yet. He was just like, all right, I'm still getting used to my legs.

I'm 23 now. He actually went out to Brooklyn at the Barclays Center when the draft was there, and he just pretended to be a draftee, and everyone signed an autograph. He just walked on. Because you just assume. I mean, you must be an NBA player. Yeah, I couldn't. I'm not that tall.

But 6'6 for a normal human is. Things aren't made for you. Airplanes. Counters are low. Airplanes are tough. I mean, airplanes are crazy. I've hit my head so many times in my life. It's ridiculous.

My friends are like 5'6". They're like, it must be great to be so tall. I'm like, I've probably hit my head more than your whole family going back generations. But would you be 5'6"? Would I be 5'6"? No. I don't know. The CTE you get.

If I had to go from 6'6 to 5'6"? No. But maybe if I never was this tall. I don't know. The CTE you get. If I had to go from 6'6 to 5'6? No. But maybe if I never was this tall. I don't know, man. I don't know. I mean, it is nice. Yeah.

It's inconvenient, but there's a lot of benefits. There's a lot of... Yep. I would put up with the bashing of the head to not be short. You could change light bulbs very easily. You could reach those things on the top shelf. My friends would invite me over under false pretenses and then just get me to do tall stuff. I've had your ear.

I mean, is it given to you like painting the ceiling? Is it like come over and get a beer? It's like, hey, man, come over. Because that's a very different thing. We're like, you have your girlfriend. Watch the game and change a few light bulbs. It's the game? Okay, so that's not fair. But like you'll have like your girlfriend calling the. Watch the game and change a few of my thoughts. It's a game? Okay. So that's not fair.

But you'll have your girlfriend calling into the kitchen, like, hey, babe, can you come in here for a second? You're like, I know I'm going to do some shit. Yeah. I'm going to pick something heavy up. I'm going to get something. It's not like, hey, babe, come in here. I made you something.

It's like, if it's just, can you come in here? Come in here. You know I got shit to do. Expect the worst. Absolutely. If you get led with, like, come over and watch the game, well, that's bullshit. Come over and watch the game and paint the ceiling.

Trim the hedge. So we were just talking about Cash Cab and how, I mean, 13 years, was it? Is it? What year is it? 2020? 15. We started in 2005, yeah. Shit.

Yeah. Wow, I must be old. I'm not just tall. I'm old. I'm long. You're like a tree. I'm like just tall. I'm old. I'm long. You're like a tree. Old, tall thing. Yeah, I feel like I've seen all the Lord of the Rings,

but I feel like there's a wise tree. There's a man tree. That's what you are. I'm like one of those. A man tree. That's my impression. It's a good tree you're doing there. Garbled voice.

No words. A tree that can't talk. boys yeah the words a tree that can't talk it has a mouth but it can't talk the uh the we were talking and do you do you get bored of of cash cab yeah absolutely yeah oh you do yes okay because we were going to talk about how like i was going to like frame it more carefully and explain why but like because like there are so many things we do here that we've been over here for like 10 years and we've done this for like 8 years.

And this is the one I like. So this is my Cash Cab, if you will. But there are plenty of other things you do and you're kind of like, I'd like to move on and try something else.

Do you ever feel like that with Cash Cab? Yeah. I mean, I still love it. But it is a job. And we've made like 550 episodes or something. And I mean, every game show is this way. But, but this one is very, you know, same thing.

Yeah, it's the same thing over and over. Ask the questions, the bells go off, double your money at the end, get out, next thing, you know? So there's not much variation there, but it is still a phenomenon. For me, it's the same stuff over and over. You're never like watching an episode and being like, oh, this is getting old. Yeah, what is Ben going to do this time? Right. Oh, the same exact thing he does every time.

Oh, there's a red light. It's a red light challenge. Here we go. It's good and bad. You know, it makes it a little easier. Right. For one, there's a lot going on. If I just have to say the same stuff over and over, it makes it a little easier.

But, you know, it gets monotonous. Yeah. I can burn out. If we shoot for too long, like one year we shot 120 episodes in a year, and so I was in the cab for like eight months. Yeah. I was just like, get me out of this thing a year and what so I was in the cab for like eight months yeah I was like get me you just a cab you had a medallion you were a new license cap I had to remind myself that I wasn't just driving a cab yeah I'm actually making a TV show this is supposed to be a dream

come true unfortunately comes with a day job have there ever been like accidents or any things on the road while you're filming? Not while I was driving. I've never hit anybody, never been hit. So let's spice it up. A lot of close calls. Why don't you just mow some people down, run some red lights? We'll get a stuntman out there and fake it so no one actually gets hurt.

There you go. No, no, no. Fuck a stuntman. You got to do it yourself. You're 6'6". You're a big guy. It's a better publicity stunt. I. Fuck a stuntman. You got to do it yourself. You're 6'6". You're a big guy. If I do a publicity stunt, I will fuck a stuntman. That will definitely get some notice.

All right. Well, I was going to say, the next thing was going to be, like, does it ever hinder your stand-up? Which is obviously what we're here promoting again. Yeah. Oh, yeah. In Cleveland, it kicks off on January 25th. But do you get scared about, like, I mean, I imagine Cash Cab is the cash cow. So are you like, well, I don't want to push it too much and kind of piss off people there?

Oh, you mean as far as, like, watching what I say and that kind of thing? I never worry about that. No. But I don't write about stuff like that. I don't do anything political. It's all observational stuff. So, like, I'm not going to offend animals, you know? You know what I mean? I just, I don't write about stuff that's conducive to, you know, offending people about race or politics or, you know, any of that stuff.

But neither do I until I do. Right, until something slips out. Nobody ever really goes up there going, I'm going to get canceled tonight. Tonight's the night. I'm not like, we're going to piss people off with today's show. I'm just like, yo, whatever I happen to say today happens I happen to say. And then sometimes I say things that people don't really like. Actually, I don't.

Do they get upset? Do they write in or do they call in? We're pretty – I mean, it's funny, right? It depends on who you are. It's like the same thing with athletes and some entertainers. There are guys who are crazy. Like Dennis Rodman can say whatever the fuck he wants tomorrow, and everyone's going to be like, oh, guys who are crazy. You know, like Dennis Rodman can say whatever the fuck he wants tomorrow, and everyone's going to be like, oh, that guy's crazy.

And meanwhile, if a squeaky clean guy steps over the line one little bit, it's, you know, breaking news. So we're idiots, and people know that, so they expect us to be idiots. Someone who's, you know. It's a good position to be in. Yeah, I just got to get a wedding dress. I'm all set. But, yeah, I mean, I can see, you know, you're well-liked

I think there's something funny about a game show host Where I feel like people, like, trust you Yeah, I feel like people trust me Yeah, so, like, if you were to say something that, like, they disagree That is definitely a mistake Yeah, you live in a cool world where you're, like, in between worlds You know, it's like, there are, like, the game show hosts The Trebeks and the Sajaks And then you you do that but you also have this stand-up comedy

world where it's like remember i i got a sense of humor i could joke i pass balls i you know well that's the thing that people need to remember like comedians you know we're joking yeah yeah it's all jokes right so right people get so easily offended nowadays it's like just it's just a joke yeah i didn't mean it no they didn't you know half the time i really don't mean it you know people get so easily offended nowadays. It's just a joke. I didn't mean it. Half the time, I really don't mean it. I just saw an ability to make somebody laugh there. That's all it is. I don't even care about this topic.

For me, it's not even that. When I was writing this, this is what I thought. This is what I like as the ending. This is what's funny. This is what seemed funny. It doesn't really have anything to do. I had a bit about I would say I like as the ending. This is what's funny. Right. This is what seemed funny. It doesn't really have anything to do. I mean, I had a bit about, I would say, I got some bad news.

I found out I'm allergic to people who are lactose intolerant. I'm lactose intolerant, intolerant. And then I would make fun of restless leg syndrome. This is on my old special. That's a good one to make fun of. I still get comments about it. Restless leg syndrome is real. It's terrible.

My grandma has it. I'm not making fun of you for having it or saying it's not a real thing. I'm just saying I'm making fun of the name. But people get mad and they want to say this is a real thing. I know it's a real thing, but if you can't write about stuff, you have to be able to write humor about something. But you're always going to obsess because it's funny how humor works or how I think being the observer of humor works where everything is funny. I think most people in the world think almost everything is funny until it affects them even a little bit.

I've done that stuff where not even making a joke about cancer, but even just referencing cancer. People are like, my grandma died from cancer. Well, no shit. So did my grandma. Everyone's grandmother died from cancer. That's how grandmothers die. So did half of the people who have ever died. That's what it is.

But it touched them a little bit. And it's like, you can make a joke about anything else in the world. And it's like, well, that didn't affect me, so it's not. And I feel like it's hard. It's true. People do have, they don't, not many people, I think, funny people in a sense do, but most people don't have the ability to think funny people in a sense do but most people don't have the ability

to be like well I laughed at that shit when it wasn't about me so it's kind of the same thing either I have to I don't have to laugh I just can't get mad it's all or nothing

I'm laughing at everything I made a joke once about it's called Hutchinson disease which the headline was just like the symptoms are that you feel like you're drunk all the time

and it's probably terribly debilitating but I was joking like hey it feels like you're drunk all the time. And it's probably terribly debilitating. But I was joking like, hey, it feels like you're drunk all the time. Sounds good. Yeah, sounds good. Cut out the middleman for me. I don't even have to spend money at the bar anymore. Wow.

Like the small community of people who are affected by Hutchinson disease. My grandma had it. My this had it. My hat. And I'm like, and there were people who I've seen on social media or seen on my blog. And I was like, I know you've laughed at everything else I've ever said. But now it's somewhat personal. But now it's personal.

I'm terrible. How did you deal with it? Were you like, your grandma was drunk? Tell your grandma to cut it out. I have a question. Let's say you – because you were talking about how it's not real and stuff like that. And we had a comedian here i forget who it was but he also said if a comedian ever issues an apology just know that's not real either yeah where it's like he was like that's

we're lying yeah he's like i he's like i just had to issue one for i who was it it was uh chris rocks uh gary owen gary owen yes gary owen and Gary was like – he's like, I just had to issue one. I was like, my boss just wrote it and I just put it out there. And it's whatever. But I was thinking about it also because I was reading an interview with John Mulaney recently in GQ where he said, I would apologize. I have no problem apologizing for things I've said in the past. If you're actually wrong. I feel like – Yeah, like I would stand by everything.

Or even if you just upset someone. It was like, sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I didn't mean anything personal to you. I just thought it was a funny thing to say. That's the job. It's so basic. It's so simple.

Comedian, that's the job. You say funny things. If it was something about anything. It doesn't have to be about anything. If it was a genuine, like, that upset me. I'm like, all right, man, my bad, my bad. I didn't mean anything. Totally.

But where it gets to a gray area for me is where the apologies start being demanded. Because if it was just like, hey, that upset me i'm like all right man my bad bad bad like i didn't mean anything totally yeah but it way where it gets like to a grayer for me is where the the apologies start being demanded because like if it was just like hey that upset me i'd be like don't fuck that wasn't the intention i i'm so sorry about that right but if it was like you owe me an apology apologize right now make it public make it a scene i think well that was okay now let's hang on a second here i'm a stubborn asshole like i'm not doing that when when ke they said, like, you can still host the show if you apologize. If you don't, you can't. Well, now, all right. So what's the difference of me writing this?

He's like, I won't then. Right. So I respect that. That's exactly how I go about it. That was a stupid thing to do, Kevin. You should have apologized and hosted the fucking Oscars. What are you doing? Just say sorry.

You're going to host the Oscars. Would you have? Would I have apologized? I never would have said that shit to begin with. Right, no. I'm just kidding. And I'm just busting Kevin's balls. None of us ever said gay, ever. Especially in 2009 or whatever.

Honestly, I thought he did the right thing there. He was just like, I was just stepped down. And then the whole thing just sort of went away. And it was a great show, to be honest.. And then the whole thing just sort of went away. You know, it's funny. And it was a great show, to be honest. I love Kevin. We've had him on many times. What happened on that Oscars?

Was there no host? No host. And it was totally fine. Pretty smooth. It was like, wow, it turns out we don't need a host. Yeah. After all these years. It's not nine hours long.

We don't need a political diatribe in the beginning. It's fine. It works out well. I guess he's maybe a little bummed about it still, though. Well, so I watched a... I mean, his host is not like a... He has a Netflix documentary. It's a. It works out well. I guess he's maybe a little bummed about it still, though. Well, so I watched a – he has a Netflix documentary, and he was like – he had said from the beginning, like, I'm sorry to anybody. This is what we just said. Anybody who's ever been affected by, like, homophobic violence, of course, I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. But the people who are asking for this apology are not talking about that.

They're talking about jokes and what you can say and can't say, and that I want to apologize for. And those two ended up kind of getting conflated together where they thought like he thinks it's okay to hate gay people. And he's like, no, but I think it's okay to make a joke. And that – it spiraled from there, but I think his – when I watched that full explanation on his documentary, which I don't think he ever really fully did publicly when it was going down, it all made a lot more sense. That's the line right there. It's a joke. I'm sorry that you're offended, just as we were saying. But it's a joke.

Lighten up. We have to be able to laugh about stuff. Yeah. We have to be able to say what we want. Right. You can't just start saying, no, you can't say that. People are trying. People are trying. That's the left becoming the right. And a lot of them are winning on us like the extreme left becoming the

extreme right the right and the left it just becomes one you can't say that yeah wait a minute hold on yeah uh that's it happened this weekend with uh vince vaughn or vince vaughn he like you can't shake the president's hand. Wow. That is unacceptable. Vince, you're not hosting the Oscars anymore. He could have been like, fuck you, man, as he shook his hand. Who knows? You suck at this job. He just went like, boo. It was.

Just leaned right in his ear and went, boo. Do you spend much time on Twitter? Tickled his neck. Hey, Trumpy. Sorry. I'm on Twitter a little bit. While you're driving? Yeah.

I'm hosting Cash Cab. I mean, how do you not? How do you drive all day and not just stare at Twitter the whole time? Oh, I'm constantly. I'm looking at the road 40% of the time now.

Do you try not to look too much? I try not to pay too much attention to it. Honestly, I use it. It's been great for me. Social media's been great for me to connect with fans and let them know

about shows and stuff. But I'm definitely not one of those people who's like, look, here's what I'm having for lunch. If I have something that I feel like

is a good tweet but not really a stand-up bit. Yeah, kind of cutting room floor type shit. Yeah, if it's a bit then I'm going to use it as a bit.

I'm not going to tweet it. I feel like that is hard with stand-ups. We're not stand-ups. We're just assholes. So we just say shit all day into a microphone, into a phone, wherever. It doesn't fucking matter to us. I think you guys got a pretty good gig, man.

It's panned out pretty well. Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not complaining at all. It works out nicely. But just like, I'm not like, oh, I need to say that. In fact, I use Twitter where I'm like, I got to tweet that. Because if I don't tweet it, I'm going to fucking forget to talk about it on the show. So it's almost my notebook.

I kind of use it the opposite way. I don't have a craft. I'm not like scripting jokes. I'm not saving them. But I feel like stand-ups do have that – toe that line with Twitter where it's like, well, I want to keep this in my stage presence. Yeah, some things are bits and some things are like tweets or posts. I think I use the opposite. I think I tweet something and if it gets a lot of traction i'm like there's something there like people yeah

like i i was just kind of here's an observation and then all of a sudden i'll write something further i'll flesh it out for like a full segment because i know that people will like it so i can i can see both sides of it yeah interesting approach it's probably the difference between a blogger and i'm and like a comedian it comedian. It's more of a work in progress versus a polished end product. Yeah, yeah. And Twitter came late for me. When social media first became a big part of being a comedian, which it obviously has.

It's a huge part of the business now. I still had Cash Cab was still going strong the first time before we got pulled. And now I've come back. For the first three or four years that everybody was on social media, I was like, I don't need that shit.

I had a TV show. I don't need that. Then Cash Cab ended and I was like, what have I done? I am way behind. I've totally lost. Were you kind of like, I made it when you landed the cash cab? Not when I got it, but like five years in when it was a hit and we were winning Emmys.

Right. You know, I was like, I don't need Twitter. Yeah. I just like, and it just wasn't. What a lovely lifestyle. It seemed like a different thing. Like it didn't seem like we would need it. Yeah, right.

And it sounds ridiculous now, but it didn't seem like it was going to catch on. And when I got into comedy, things were very different. Like, self-promotion was almost like a taboo. You just show up and you just do the show, and that should be it. Wow. And that changed. So it came along, and it's like...

Even like every podcast you listen to, it's like, all right, here's the next six minutes. I'm just going to be listing cities that I'm in and I guess you gotta do that and it makes a difference

but that's funny because it's I mean it's gone 180 it's all people do now it's all right there on your

phone the whole business it's crazy so that's why I've you know do you prefer the dark days

of it like do you prefer the sellers I mean it's still the cellar, obviously. Right, but before that? Yeah, like kind of the grunge. I always feel like the social media kind of brought, like shined a light on it in the sense where it's like,

like when you flick down the lights in the basement and it's like, oh, here's all. Oh, there's all these comedians down here. Yeah, totally. You know, a few years ago I would have been like, I hate it. I can't stand it. I wish it didn't happen. But now I actually kind of like it because, yeah, it allows me to communicate directly with fans and, like, hear what they like, hear what they don't like, hear what they want, you know.

The thing is, people like that, Bailey. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. It's cool. It is nice to be able to know what city to go to. Also, it's nice because you're people like that. You're well-liked. You have a popular show. You're pretty, you know, you're not, it's nice because you're people like me. You're well-liked. You have a popular show.

You're pretty, you know, you're not, like you said, you're not really tall. You're not saying things that, like, you know, that divide people. So that's why you like Twitter. Come take a walk on my side, brother. The sports world. Just tweet right now. Just tweet,

fuck the Dallas Cowboys. Just see what happens. Tweet right now. Say, I fuck the Dallas Cowboys. Just see what happens? See what happens. Tweet right now. Say, I don't think the Astros cheated. And just watch the world burn. Wow. You think people would just really go nuts over that? I mean, it's crazy.

It is. It is. Actually, it's concerning. And I participate in it. Don't get me wrong. But it is concerning where it's just like how tribalistic it gets where you're just like, I don't like that team. Attack.

And people are like, who the fuck? And I'm like, well, you have a big nose and fat tits. I'm like, I know. But I didn't mean to do it there. Come on, man. That was a little unnecessary. Like the Dallas Cowboys don't have a good color. And sports fans are nuts.

It's crazy. But sometimes you're on the right side of that where the passion can be the reason why you sell a shirt or the reason they're listening in the first place or whatever it may be. But social media, when you have the dark side of it, can be a trying place. A trying time. I haven't had much of that, really. I can't imagine. Fuck the cash gap

I fucking hate this guy most people are like I love that show there's something about game shows we were filming in Vegas and we had a big crowd around us we were like at the old downtown by Binion's one of the old old casinos we were shooting in front of that

we had a big crowd around us and this guy just comes up. We had just been talking about how the feedback for the show is all positive. Everybody's always like, I love the show. And we had a big crowd around us. And this guy just goes, Cash Cab sucks. And we all started laughing. And I go, really?

He goes, no, no. I was going to say, that guy didn't mean it. He just wanted to say that shit. Yeah, he was just joking around. Which is also the other side of social media because you don't get – you see it. You're like, I suck. Yeah, wait. Is that a joke?

And he was just fucking around. He just fired it off and you took it seriously and now everyone's the asshole. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's easy to – even like personal texting with friends. You're like, wow, what did he mean by that? Oh, no.

Then you go, oh, okay, wait. No, it's just a joke. Yeah. He sent a period. He's mad. it's a completely different language it is i was at dinner with my mom uh probably over a break or something like that and she was like have she was texting with a friend but she was asking me to tell her how to text which is like this is what i want to say how do i convey that how do i say that and it's just

like sounds good 230 works for me see that and she's like how do i say that how do I say that and it's just like sounds good 230 works for me see that and she's like how do I say that because you can't just say it with periods and stuff right

right because you're like Jesus Christ did 230 not work for her like full sentences yeah yeah I think that would be fine

you'll lose a friend of mine period yeah that's wait a minute the period has become like almost like the black dot

right like the old pirate days where it's like if you got the black dot like you were marked you're dead almost like the black dot. Like the old pirate days. You get a black dot. You get the black dot. You were marked. You're dead. You use a black dot in a text message. It's like, I'm going to fucking kill you.

That relationship's over. Wow. All right. Make a note of that. No periods. Don't get me wrong. I use them. I refuse to acknowledge that.

But it is the way the world looks at them. A period is... They're just getting shorter and shorter. You've been marked. Words are down to letters whenever they can be. But you get it, too. It's almost like we're learning a new language as we enter. As long as you can convey it.

As long as you know what I'm saying, we're good. Totally. So you're kicking things off in Cleveland. Who doesn't want to be in Cleveland in January? Cleveland? It's a gritty time. It's a gritty time. It's a gritty place to start. I've been to Cleveland once, and I found it just delightful.

I have always had a good time in Cleveland. I think it gets a bad rap. It's right on the water. Well, the mistake by the lake, right? Yeah. The mistake by the lake, yeah. And I went for, what was I there for? Oh, Grit Tour.

We were there for, like, we were driving just through, like, the Rust Belt. Yeah, but you have to understand, you are a man of, like, simple tastes. You are, like, yeah, I mean, this, like, bowl of chili in this shitty, like, warehouse of a place is fine. It was great. It was better than fine. I loved Cleveland. Like I said, I've had a good time in Cleveland, man. I've done shows there in the past.

I've been there for a couple of events. I actually got invited. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame saw that I was coming to town and offered to give me a VIP tour. So I'm going to do that. Very cool. The day of the show. I'm looking forward to that.

Some of the perks there. Don't do it hungover. I've done the country music tour really hungover. Oh, really? Didn't get the VIP. Maybe the VIP got beer. Country music tour? In Nashville.

Oh, in Nashville. Yeah, I was on a bachelor party and just couldn't drink. Oh, that's a tough one. I needed to be like three hours away i was like i gotta do something else for three hours than just be in a bar so we went to the country music hall of fame and boy was that a piece of shit you should have gotten the bar i think you're gonna hear about you're gonna get some comments about that it's like i wish i was what do you say right Hulk, right now? How many cities are we doing on this tour? I think 14. Woo!

You got your work cut out, man. What's the least favorite one? What's the one you're looking forward to the least? Cleveland? No. I'm looking forward to it. Everyone's already sold out. Cleveland?

I'm just kidding. I love you. No, I'm looking forward to all of them, man. I feel very lucky to be able to make my living doing what I do I get to travel around and people come and pay to listen

to me talk it's like you know and I don't really have much of an education same man I went to seven colleges it's pretty amazing

are you involved in the planning process or are you kind of like here's where you're going well this time around I haven't had much to do with it. I handed it off. I was pretty busy making cash cab and working on other stuff.

So you just show up and crack the jokes. These guys were like, I have new guys that are booking stuff for me at AGI. They're doing a great job. And they look through all my old records of previous shows. And they set it all up. It's pretty crazy when people use data and stuff, huh? Yeah. It's stunning.

These guys have a plan. We're kind of working on something for ourselves and stuff like that for your live podcast shows and not stand-up. And people are like,

well, we're going to look at these numbers and these numbers. I'm like, wow, I would have just thrown darts to the state. Like anywhere

that'll have me. Sure. Basically. You always wanted it, Topeka. Any place you can put like 300 people in a room? Okay. Well, I will go there

if the check clears, right? Yeah, yeah. So where can people get tickets? Go to therealbenbailey.com. That's my website. It has links to tickets for all the shows through like July.

All right. But a lot of them are live nation gigs, so they can get them there, Ticketmaster, wherever. All right. Anywhere you buy tickets. Yeah, pretty much.

Real Ben Bailey and obviously, of course, Cash Cab. Yeah, new Cash Cab's coming. I think now it's April. The new episodes are going to start. Any end in sight? We're just going to keep going strong? Doesn't look like it. Probably when you go to Star Hosts in Jeopardy, you probably stop it then, right?

Yeah, maybe. You know what? You can get the call up. Yeah, maybe. I hope to see Alex can get the call up. Yeah, maybe. I hope to see Alex keep doing it for a long time. Well, yeah, of course. He's a friend. I actually got to know him from being at the Emmys.

We were at the same table. Yeah. A little full of game show hosts. You got a little fraternity, I'm sure, right? Yeah. Sajak never showed up once. That son of a bitch. Really?

Well, he never wins, so he's like a freak. Fuck you, Sajak. Rebecca wins every year. Or Bob Barker won every year until he retired. Yeah, I can see that, too. Well, yeah, you're in rare company with those guys, and very funny dude, so appreciate it. Thanks for coming by.

Thanks for having me, guys. Thank you so much. Good luck to you. Turn around. Look at what you see in her face. The mirror of your dreams Make believe I'm everywhere

Give it in the light Written on the pages is The answer to our never-ending story. Ah, read the stars. Lie a fantasy. Dream a dream. And what you see will be. Suns and kingdoms, there are secrets still.

I'm both behind the clouds. And there upon a rainbow is the answer to our never-ending story. Story. Story