KFC Radio - Ride the D*ck Sister Wave: Interview With Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Rachel Feinstein on her sitcom-like relationship with her firefighter husband, her theory about guys who don't have sex in high school, moving to New York with a band called Dick Sister, her terrible exes, and much more Follow Rachel Feinstein on: Website: http://rachel-feinstein.com/ Twitter: @RachelFeinstein Instgram: @rachelfeinstein_ Facebook: Rachel Feinstein Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. A few hours later, I was like, didn't you have to catch a red-eye? And he admitted to me, he goes, well, you know, there's no red-eye. I just kind of figured important guys catch red-eyes. Isn't that fascinating? And I moved in with him after post the red. I lie.

Yeah. Let's do it. All right. Rachel Feinstein's here. And you are, you're looking great. You're done up. You're looking, you're overdressed for my studio. You could have come in here wearing pajamas. You look amazing.

Thank you. It's nice to have a guest, I don't know, take it seriously for a change. For once, showing us a little respect. I painted an active lie on my face. None of this is true. That's how it works, right? I just felt like I would just spackle some bullshit on myself and hurl my body out the door. But I'm truly a disgusting person. Really?

I want you to know that. I was going to say the exact opposite in everything I've seen of you. You're always put together. You look great on stage. It looks like you have fashion sense and you dress well. Thank you. I need your voice in my head all the time. Right?

That would be nice. I talk about this on stage, but like I have a joke about it because my husband can't compliment. Like he's worthless. Like on our wedding day, he was like bringing it. I'm like, that's what you say to a running back, not your wife on a wedding day. He doesn't even know the phrase when you compliment like i'll get ready i'll be like do i look okay he goes there you go i'm like what's that that's not even the correct response like that's what you say when you're like serving meat yeah but almost isn't

that like isn't that you know would you rather that or him just repeats him shit he's heard someone else say that's his version there you go babe your ass is looking good like that's that was from the heart that was real actual compliment So you added an actual compliment. You adjusted and reformed what he said. That's true. That's what I would say. That would be acceptable. I would welcome that. Because you don't want the guy that every morning is like, you're the perfect... That's what I'm saying. That's the guy that's going to make a suit out of your skin.

You're a vision. Yeah. No man actually speaks like that. You want something in between. But the guy that every morning brings you roses, I just assume he'll be killing you shortly. A thousand percent. It's always that one. Yeah.

We see it on the internet all the time. The guy who's casting stones, making fun of us or calling us misogynistic or whatever. You find their DMs, they're the weird ones. Yes, yes. The ones who are the white knights are always the weird ones. Exactly. I'd rather be publicly a little bit of a scumbag and privately not than the alternative you know what i mean where it's like um yeah listen frontward facing

not the best but but we're a lot better than the shit you're hiding you know if you're hiding like when i'm on the road when i used to open for guys um it was always like the family guys the ones that would be like you can't say these words that were just the most disgusting the ones that were like policing every every single fuck that you weren't i'm allowed to say fuck right you can say whatever the fuck whatever the fuck you want yeah now literally anything you want but yeah thank you that's so refreshing oh i wouldn't be in trouble i wouldn't have it any i couldn't have it any other way like i've thought about it before because I've seen certain comics I know and podcasters I know that like they are trying to – they're not like clean comics. But they're like if we don't curse on YouTube, we'll get more views and it can be more monetized. I'm like maybe I should fucking try that some fucking time.

I can't. I could not clean it up. No, sometimes a fuck just punctuates a point. Yeah, and then replacements sound like replacements for curse words. Yeah, like my mom will be like, darn, I don't, I'm pissed off and I'm F-bombing. I'm like, I can't, no.

That's not acceptable to me. Fucking say it. We were just talking, we had Nikki Glaser on a couple days ago. She's one of my best friends. Yeah, and she's doing Fuckboy Island, but it's F-Boy Island. And so they're saying F-Boy, F-Boy, F-Boy all show long.

And I'm just like, say it! Say the fucking word! I know, you want that release. She's making jokes about guys coming on her face, but they're saying F-Boy instead.

I know, isn't it funny how arbitrary and absurd it is? Yeah, you can have a cum on your face joke, but you can't say the word fuck. Insanity.

It's truly foolish. And I'll be coming for the people in charge. See that little Jew fist? Isn't that terrifying? Yeah, listen. I would. An angry Jewish woman is not to be trifled with. That's how I've always felt.

Thank you. That is my IG heading. I saw you at, I don't even know where it was. It was like a restaurant around here in pandemic times. Sam Morrill was there. Oh, yeah. Sam's one of my best friends. Probably Chinese food.

We're always complaining in a Chinese restaurant. To each other. We like over tip, but then we dissect the service. Well, that's what the Jews do. Yeah. We will critique your Chinese food and we will. And I'll apologize for anything. Like I just over apologize whenever I arrive somewhere. I'm always like, I'm sorry. I'm the Jews do. Yeah. We will critique your Chinese food and we will. And I'll apologize for anything. Like, I just over apologize whenever I arrive somewhere.

I'm always like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm here. Well, that's you're a chick and Jewish. So it all comes together. It's like double over apologizing. Yeah. When I order food, I'm like, I'll have this. And I'm like, I'm sorry.

And they're like, that's your. That's what you're supposed to do. Responsibility in this transaction. It's very confusing. But then I'll be like, don't you think it was weird that she put the napkin there? And he's like, it was unacceptable. I mean, I could see you two just being a tough crowd to please. We're not well.

No, no, you're not well. Nobody that does stand up is very good. No, you're all, I say you're the biggest freaks on the planet. And you'd be right, sir. I mean, you're the most, like, I think, talented. You know, hopefully. Some of you suck. But the good ones are the most talented. I think the most like fearless and admirable and all these corny adjectives, but also just flat out the fucking.

Oh, yeah. No, we're not. Well, I think anybody who does it is like just from Jump Street to be like, yes, I'll jump on stage in front of these strangers and like entertain them and let them judge me. No, something very number one thing humans don't want to do, and you guys sign up for it. You're right. Something very profound is missing. And I feel like I was an emergency moron growing up. They had a lot of meetings about me in school and stuff,

so that might have contributed to it. It's a cocktail of things that happened in the early childhood. What exactly is an emergency moron? Thanks for asking. I mean, like, nobody could figure out why I was so dumb. You're right. You didn't have, like, an issue, but they were like, but you can't read. No, I think I had a lot.

Yeah, there was just a lot of meetings about me all the time, I remember. And they would scan me because I wouldn't focus in school, so my mom was always taking me for scans. Like, actual brain scans. I would get like suction. Doctors like I don't know. She's just dumb dude phone for that. He's like brain scan part. Yeah.

He's like liking some woman's ass on his way. Why was she getting brain scanned again? But so yeah, they would do these things where they put suction cups on my head. That's as fake as it gets. It's like that's like some Back to the Future shit. Doc Brown's got some fucking helmet on.

I think they were trying to figure out why, because they said they would give the class an instruction, and everybody would go do that thing, and then I would just be sitting there, you know, like a real dummy. And so my mom was like, well, we'll get her scanned. She was a therapist. And I knew that every time I got

scanned, I got to got to like stay up late because i think you can't sleep before this oh so you milk this shit yeah we got i got to like you know watch racy movies and stuff and then one day i woke up and i heard my parents arguing about me and my dad was like she's not normal karen and then my mom goes well then scan her again howie just keep re-scanning her a literal karen and howie of course and that's why i play like the funny box in toledo yeah because of that me just up in the middle of the night shaking listening to she's not normal caring shit i wish i could hear all the things that my parents said about us like behind like not to our faces behind closed doors do i feel like you would be a favorite son i was in my so i was a horrible child like baby my mom was like you cried for literally like

three or four straight years we had we had i had babysitters like turn me away like showed back up to the house during a babysitter shift like like sweet little old lady across the street who like everybody loved who was like i'm sorry i just can't do it anymore like take him back and then she said i flipped the switch at like four and i was just like the most pleasant child kid therefore and then in my later years after barstool and divorce and scandals here, it's flipped again. They're like, we fucking hate you.

But you probably got laid in high school. I was, I was a girlfriend guy. So I mean, I did get laid. I had a girlfriend. You had some sort of steady stream coming in because I have this theory and I have no formal education,

but I have this theory that guys that don't get laid in some certain window sometimes, a certain kind of guys, no matter how much they get laid later on, believes they're owed some sort of back puss between 15 and like 8 and 20 or something. It's so true. And they're angry. They have this chip towards women in general. Those are the guys.

I try to remind myself because I read all my comments. There's some guy named Mr. Twat Waffles. That's a good idea. It's healthy. Yeah, Mr. Twat Waffles has definitely worked the time. There's a guy named Mr. Twat Waffles. That's a good idea. It's healthy. Mr. Twat Waffles is definitely worth the time. There's a guy named Mr. Twat Waffles that really hates me. Shout out Mr. T-Dubs.

What's up, man? Hi. Yeah, Mr. Twat Waffles, he always comments under my videos, and then there's another guy named Muffeater69 that sticks up for me. And Twat Waffles was like, she stinks. And Muffeater was like, do you actually think she has the time to read this?

And I was like, actually, my schedule is pretty clear. You got nothing but that, brother. So one point for Twat Waffles. I know both of your names and I tell stories about you. But do you think he didn't get laid? I do feel like Mr. Twat Waffles probably just didn't have that window. And I know comedians that are just getting mountains of ass but they still think they're not quite right because they feel that that window was emptied and they they have like a chip on

their shoulder and it's like you know they you have a certain type because it's like this is the girl in high school they couldn't get or the one they had a crush on so now I only fuck like brunettes who are this height and wear these clothes yep and I I think there's something that's like I think every guy is kind of like if you if you fucked one girl on your deathbed you wish you fucked two and if you fucked 101 girls you wish you fucked 102 there'll always be like some sort of law it was emily dickinson that first said that yes i think uh yeah it was that or ben franklin i don't know one of these people founding fathers but if you i think if you do there is something about getting it out of your system i think if you do it at the something about getting it out of your system.

I think if you do it at the right time and the right way, you'll be a little more normal, I think. I think so. I kind of – I did all that already. Yes. I also think it's a level of – you know what I think it really is? And this just kind of dawned on me right now. If you are dealing with girls, hooking up with them, dating them, breaking up with them, fighting with them with them all of that shit you get sick of it sure right i'm like at some point it's like i just want to find a nice girl who like doesn't bother me anymore because i've been fucking fighting them for like

a decade you know what i mean yeah and if you if you didn't get with girls and you never experienced that you're like open to like dealing with the bullshit at a later age you know like i could i can't imagine now dating someone who's like we're fighting in public and we're bickering you know that shit it's just like no no i'm not doing that anymore i also feel like there's a certain kind of girl that like will be you know and like in rom-coms it's always like what you always have like two choices either it's the girl that's like i'm one of the guys i love one of the games right or it's like uh the other you know the girl at the strip club is just like yes this is going cool with everything yeah like or pretends she likes threesomes right you can fuck another girl yes yes there's that girl or then there's the other one that's just like we

need to be at the container store like there's they always have us wanting to be at the container store like we've got a really busy saturday home goods we have to buy baskets to put inside the baskets to put inside the baskets yeah but i will say that I feel like a lot of guys are like that too. Because my husband's anal neat. He really runs a tight ship around the house. And I'll wake up and I know I'm in trouble, but I don't really know what for yet. Oh, wow. That sounds like a little role reversal here.

Yes. Like night two of the pandemic, I walk into the kitchen. He goes, why are there three open seltzers like he's backed up just pacing about why there are three open seltzers and i'm like isn't the bigger mystery who could give a fuck why there are three open seltzers like what happened they're like 49 cents each dude it's okay who gives a shit but he's like pacing and he's used to being like the boss at the firehouse so he's like he'll walk me around and like show me my messes I'll be like what happened here just talk to me about this you know

it's just weird three open seltzers I'm like there's never gonna be a good story behind that it's not like I'm gonna be like well it all started here's why yeah it was blowing hookers and then the next thing you know three bottles were open and you believe it it was it was a crazy night man yeah it's like get off my dick

how about that that sounds like a little bit of a gender reversal. Yeah, he is definitely the morning one. My favorite is when you're in trouble, which is just so crazy as an adult to be like, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble a lot. I mean, I lived in the doghouse. I said, my thing, I was always in a doghouse. It was just how big or small it was.

Can I move around? Can I turn around? Can I lay down? Or am I like in a doghouse it was just how big or small it was do I can I move around can I turn around can I lay down or am I like in the doghouse that was my whole existence and that and just a constant stream of listening to someone slam cabinets like angrily slam the cabinet and you know like like putting things down like that just walking in the way of the TV. It's like, okay, I'm in trouble for something. I don't even know what it is. I feel like it's a control thing with the stuff around the house, but when I go on the road, I'm like an extra

animal just because I'm so free. I'll just lay on my stomach, eat macaroni and cheese with a coffee filter. Everybody just cool your erections at home. I know this is a really hot story. I could see you being filthy on the road and not in the good way. Drop it into my face because I know

that he can't. He's not there. You should FaceTime him and be like, look what I'm doing. I'm eating on the bed with macaroni and cheese on my face. But yeah, he's just like, yeah, he really runs a real tight ship. And then he wants me to answer for like what I did. I'd be like, you brought the dishes to the sink, but then it's just weird.

You didn't put it in the dishwasher. I'm like, this is not forensic files. Like no one's going to bag this scene up and send it to a lab. Fuck off. I feel like it's easier to get away with that as usually as, you know, stereotypically as the woman kind of giving you a hard time like that. And it's almost like expected or the guy is like, yeah, this is just what girls do.

Right, he's used to the nagging. But coming from a guy, I don't know what, is that easier to take, harder to take? Does it work? Do you even care? And he's like, whatever, dude. No, it's a little bit annoying. I mean, I'm sure I'm annoying.

He always says I'm inappropriate. Yeah, I'm sure I'm exhausting to live with. Like right after he comes, I always go. I mean, it's been five minutes. I'm like, never, this would never work. This would never work, babe. It's a good thing

you're married. I thought I had a shot. Sorry, pal. That's it for you. Dear diary, I became pretty close to getting him today.

I thought he was going to be inside me, but then he told me the truth and it hurt so bad. That's another thing, telling the truth. That's for the birds. Your friend Nikki is all on that train about always tell the truth about everything to everyone.

I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind? Really? That seems exhausting. Insane, too, though. It's like if I told you the truth about everything, everybody would hate me. Part of being like a socially well-adjusted adult is lying to people's faces i feel like yeah you have to tell a certain amount of there's like three people in the whole world who i could be like truly honest with and that

would still like tolerate me i mean your day would be a disaster that's what they make like fun loving comedies about people that just sound blatant truth yeah no you can't like I used to when I would have when I worked a day job I would do my brother taught me this thing where if you want to call in sick

you have to do what's called first there's a phase where you seed the illness it's the seeding phase and that's when you just like maybe make a weird thing with your shoulder

and people are like you should get that checked out yeah if you need to skip work on Friday you gotta start working on Tuesday exactly yes then you do the seeding that's maybe Monday Tuesday is seeding They're at work. Check that out. Yeah. If you need to skip work on Friday, you've got to start working on Tuesday.

Exactly. Yes. Then you do the seating. That's maybe Monday, Tuesday is seating. And then Wednesday, Thursday, this is where my brother got real sick, is propping. Where he'd bring in a prop, like an ice pack. He's like, nobody can argue with a prop. You're putting in a sling or something like that? And then people are like, you've really got it.

He's like, no, but I care about something, something. And they're like, no and they're like no justin stay home right you know by the next monday you're at the beach yeah so succeeding propping and i i learned i had a real job before this fake peter pan one and and i bet this works even better now but towards like the the tail end of that job for me is when we started to get into like feelings and emotions in society, you know. And I would just be like, I have like a family issue. And they would just be like, say no more. Like I don't know what that could possibly mean. So like just go take care of it.

And like now I feel like if you're in the corporate world and you're like, you know, I've just got like some. I feel scared this morning. Yeah. I have the mental health issues and like I need to get to my safe space. They'd be like, okay, because we don't want to catch a lawsuit. Just go. You can throw out whatever bullshit you want now. It is kind of fascinating.

Yeah, you could just call your boss and be like, I'm feeling a little fearful. Did you see the news today? Yeah. Or the election this week. I think it's just dangerous for me to be out. It's like, what? I know. You can say a lot of nonsense.

I feel like you could get away with everything now. I am. I had also one time my my brother, the same brother, he he was taking care of this kid and he wanted to go to the beach and he told that he killed off a grandma. The kid. No, the kid. He finally murdered the child. That's the end of my fun moment tale.

It's a lot easier to go to the fucking beach when the kid's dead. So he said his grandma died. You got to be careful when you play that game. I know. You're so right because then our cat died that week. And then the woman called my house and my mom answered. And she was like, I'm so sorry for your loss and my mom was like oh don't worry about it

she was throwing up all over the basement oh shit she was 13 anyway she was with us for a long time 13 years oh man that's funny she crawled in the back of the closet she was ready to die anyway

that's amazing. Isn't that crazy? And they had a full, completed exchange where they both believed, she probably thinks my mom is such an insane cunt. Imagine that. Just like, honey, you know that woman I tell you about at work? They're horrible to her mother. They tortured that poor lady.

I think I need to report them. We finally told my mom the whole thing, like last Thanksgiving. We put her down. Imagine that. She was like, oh my goodness, that's why Debbie always looks at me strangely. She goes, I thought she was very weird to keep calling about Mojo. That was the dead cat's name. She goes, but whenever

I see her at Safeway, she always, you know, I said, listen, she's throwing up all over the place. It was time. She was getting a little disgusted. That is really good. Yeah, you play fast and loose with that one. You're going to get in trouble. That's hilarious.

So I can't even imagine a house of like a Jewish comedian and a firefighter, New York City firefighter. That's a fucking walking sitcom in its own right. It is. Or a horror, you know, one or the other. It's either a sitcom or soon to be a Netflix documentary. I mean, we do have like

completely opposite like families. Like my mom is like aggressively liberal. She would have preferred if I married a Nigerian lesbian. Right, right. And his family,

like they all wear like FDNY t-shirts tucked into FDNY sweatpants, you know, and they kind of, they just sort of gawd their property during the day. You know, like my mom's worldview is like, how can we build a more inclusive nation?

His family's like, the government's on their way over to take your shit, right? So buy crypto, fuck wise up. Firefighters love crypto. Do they? That's funny. And my husband sells Bitcoin. They like either crypto or kish. They want the most visible or the most invisible form of money.

Right, right. And they don't trust anything in between. Where is he from? He grew up in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, yeah. But they all have that salty accent. They pronounce it like Foyafoida. Like F-I-Y-A-F-I-D-A.

It sounds like a little kid trying to say what his daddy does. Like, my daddy's a Foyafoida. Except they're grown men. Exactly. Who fight fucking fires. It's crazy. I know. That's the thing is, when I am giving him shit, I have to remind myself.

Oh, you're a goddamn hero, huh? Yeah. How annoying is that? It's very annoying. I feel like I would get very sick of my spouse being- People stop and thank him for his service. I know, I know. And I'm like, he's actually being kind of a dick right now.

I got like an uncle, pseudo uncle pseudo uncle who like there was a time we were out somewhere it was like pretty post 9-11 like 2003 ish maybe yeah so and like someone was like staring at him just like looking at him and he was kind of like like what does it mean he's like i'm sorry i just wanted to like i just want to know what it's like to look at like a real hero and he was like shut the fuck up man you know like we were all like puke like this guy this guy like farts in his sleep all night like this guy's a fucking hero i guess yeah it's weird because they're like they're both yeah they're that but they're also just complete jackasses there needs to be a show either scripted or unscripted or something and i know you do it

in your comedy pretty well that like lets the world know what that life is like because it's a unique one it's a weird one no we I mean I do have a pilot about it right now yeah but it's like they have names for it too like people that are married to the firefighters what do they call it badge bangers

yeah there you go that's great so that's probably what I'll call my next special because I have like an hour about it and there's just a whole scene you know like yeah it's a whole little bubble a little world of my life now yeah there's like a vocabulary you know it's like when they say like they build worlds like sci-fi people or nerds build like the world of the hobbits and the the wizards and all that there's a whole world that you got to build of firefighters you got to know the hierarchy you got to know the terminology you got to know the firefighters. You got to know the hierarchy. You got to know the terminology. You got to know all of that shit. And I'd imagine when you're a wife or the girlfriend,

it's like you're right in that world too. Yeah, and then now a lot of this is my life, and I go to these FDNY Staten Island dinner dances, and it would just deposit me at a shrimp station somewhere. All the women are named Gina. There's just a lot of Ginas. It's just like a sea of friends. Everyone's from Staten Island named Gina.

The guys are generally named Vinny. There's an occasional Dino. And I'll just be there and he'll get mad at me because he says like, yeah, he always says I'm inappropriate because I have to do a lot of like Catholic stuff now, you know? So I don't know if you're Catholic, but I mean, I'm not like, know how you guys have that little like jesus like snack that you eat in the middle of the service what's it called again little jesus jesus hosts communion okay the jesus you mean the flesh of christ thank you do not disrespect my messiah you guys you murderers you guys really made the wrong call on that one it was like like, is this guy the man?

Everybody was like, is he the one or is he not? We're not sure. And the Jews were like, let's just kill him. I mean, he was being kind of annoying. He was very preachy. He was a knack. And he was a show-off.

He would definitely count it open. He would have thousands of seltzers open. Of course. Yeah. And he was getting annoyed with me because he was saying that, well, okay, so I'm in the service with the Gina's and the firefighters were like sitting over there in their uniforms. And you know how you guys have this thing, which I think is so cool.

I love watching the guys do this. I don't know. They look so cute in their uniform. And there's a second one like this. Wow. That one when you cross them. This one is kind of- In your mind and in your thoughts and in your words and in your heart yeah and i was just being stupid you know you're doing like head shoulders you're in the macarena and shit

he's like stop it cut it out i'm sorry and then then they announced that they were gonna take the jesus cheese it and i was like we get a snack and he's like it's not a fucking snack it's the body of christ and i was like trying to figure it out i'm like how get a snack And he's like It's not a fucking snack It's the body of Christ And I was like Trying to figure it out I'm like How does it work And he's like Christ

I was like Is it Christ Like his You know Calf or something And he's like No the priest Could turn anything

Into the body of Christ So I was like So what do we get Like a cheese steak Or something And I'm like If he could turn anything Why would it be

Like a tasteless wafer And then I got How about the wine? The wine's even weirder. The wine is very weird. Let's all drink from the same cup. It is a very strange practice, the wine. And they just wipe the edge with a little cloth.

Like, okay, now the herpes is gone now. But the wine I don't really understand. What is the wine? Well, that's the blood, you idiot. The blood, sorry. I like how you say that to me. The bread is the flesh and the wine is the blood, you moron, you Jewish idiot. I do like when you call me an idiot for some reason.

Stop saying dumb things. That's fair. It's hard for somebody to get scammed. You eat the flesh, you drink the blood, and then the Jesus is inside of you and you're forgiven for your sins. You're a fucking idiot. I think it's because in those old shows, you how like the husband and wives were always calling each other dumb that always made me laugh as a kid because it's just you're going all the way with somebody because

you're dumb that's why i used to think the funniest humor in the world was just spouses being mean to each other maybe maybe some heavy foreshadowing for my life but when i first started here i was 25 6 whatever and i'm writing these blogs and putting out material for like a 25 year old whatever and then the comments section mr twat waffles and shit we had ones steak and shake was one and blow job something or other there's all these names that i knew and they were all older guys who were just killing time at work loved the blogs and they were like just joking about how much they hate their wives and hate their lives, and I would just die at how fucking funny I found it.

It is funny. You're just trapped in this hell of your own making, and you hate it, and she hates you, but you love each other. Exactly. And you don't fuck each other, but you can't fuck anybody. I just find it so fucking funny. I had a friend's dad who used to just walk around the house and he would be like

shit Kathy like he was just for anything like we never knew what Kathy's latest defense was my mom is Kathy and I mean my mom and dad are just

they just hate each other they're poison like poison but you know they absolutely couldn't live without each other either of course yeah you know

but it's like everything like he was he was making her he makes her a cocktail at five o'clock every day. And he opens up the, she has one of those drawer freezers. And he scoops out the ice. And it's just like ice is clanking around.

It's so loud when you make the drink. Like can't you just put the ice in nicely? I was like, mom, Jesus Christ. I know, like everything that hurts. He's like doing you a service, but the ice is so loud. It's like crazy things. Like one day you're going to slaughter each other over the fucking ice. I think like a lot of, I think it's because it's just,

because yeah, because they do love each other. And it's better to just say the worst thing possible sometimes. Just get it out. Just get it out. Yeah. My dad goes to bed at 730. Really? That's a hostile bedtime.

He's really trying to avoid people. Yeah, and then he wakes up at like 3 or 4. It's like they're living on West Coast time. It's like a time difference between them. They live in the same place. My parents, my mom goes to bed really early too. And when she, not that early though. That's a big swing, 7.30.

The sun is still fucking fully in the sky, Rachel. It's crazy. I'm like just getting off of work and he's like, see you tomorrow. I'm like, no, you won't. Like, probably not. it's crazy i'm like just getting off of work and he's like see you tomorrow i'm like no you won't like probably not it's crazy yeah it's like but it does make me laugh also and you know in those old movies where they'll be like where i also think it's funny i think it's funny when people call each other idiots but also when people are told to leave like sternly and they come back in through a variety of other entrances that That also always makes me laugh. Classic. Hits every time.

I'm back. What is that? Classic. It's always funny, right? In trading places where he comes back with like a dirty Santa. That's such an old reference. But like I love any movie where somebody's like, this is the last time. Or if somebody comes back into like a

snooty important place and they're just like a foul pig. What a wildly specific thing. I don't even know why I'm here and what I was supposed to be discussing in the first place. Am I awake? Is this like a fever dream? What's happening here? When do I do the broad jump? When does the Tough Mudder

start? I mean, we can start jumping. That would be good for the cameras. If everyone's like, who's this Jewish chick jumping? What's going on? I was just watching it like, what do I have to do now? Because I'm always like, it's a morning show. So this company was like built on dumb shit like that. And it started out, it was like four or five of us.

At one point, it was really just three of us who were doing dumb videos like that. Like you had to do a exercise things combine you have to eat an egg with a spoon or something dumb shit and i'm like at that point i was like skinny fat and out of shape not exercising not doing anything i hated all of it and now there's a million more people here i'm like you guys do that shit i am done i did my time i'm not fucking rolling around jumping in the fucking no i'm out i'm finished with it man it's so funny because i was so resigned that i was gonna have to do whatever they were doing i was just like trying to focus i'm like i have to eat weird like heels and a dress all right bitch it's your turn jump fucking jump see how far you can go how many push-ups can

you do in toledo it's a morning show and they're're like, okay, so you have to taste this. Why do you do that? I think I've heard recently every comic podcast that I listen to, you all talk about how much you hate the morning shows. And everyone agrees and admits that it doesn't really sell tickets. So why the fuck do you do it? Just say no. It's a good question because I always want to try to be nice. And I'm not good at saying no so whatever the club asks me to do it's an apologizing thing i just do it yes i'll like bitch about it or

i think it's but i'm just like okay they asked me i can't be you know i know because it takes so little to be called like difficult so i'm always like especially as a chick you get that right pretty quickly yeah but i mean like it's not you're not being difficult when you're like i don't want to get up at like seven in the morning to do this mean, like, it's not, you're not being difficult when you're like, I don't want to get up at like seven in the morning to do this fucking thing that does, it's not going to work.

No, I need to be. Maybe back in the day it did, but like now it's like. No, those aren't the people that go to comedy shows. Those people are like in the winter of their lives. Those are people in hospice.

If you're watching like, yes. They're literally about to die. They're like the cat. They're throwing up in the basement. It's true. Those are not like comedy fans anymore. And like just everything.

You're going to help me have better boundaries. God damn it. I'm not like comedy fans anymore. And like just everything. You're going to help me have better boundaries. God damn it. I'm going to be like this guy to call me an idiot so I can start to draw lines. You do podcasts and you do social media stuff. That's how you're going to sell your tickets. Everything else for the birds. I think you're right.

I do think you're right. How did this happen? Like how did you end up here? Were you an Olympian? We just told a bunch of dick jokes. Wait, were you a quarterback? What did you end up here um were you an olympian we just told a bunch of just told a bunch of dick jokes wait were you a quarterback what did you do uh no no not at all i uh i keep wanting to go to the board again i was i was a talk to the board i was uh let's go to a caller actually let's just go to a caller we got we could probably bring up some calls we have people we have them leave messages so it's not like live.

So we play their voicemails and they are just always batshit crazy. Oh, okay. So that's usually what we do. Let's do that. I'm down for that. Can we cue some up? Have we got any in the can? Yeah. Like while she pulls it up, what was like the latest one?

So wait, you were an accountant? I was an accountant. And then? And then this. I went like I did that for like four years for like the last two of them. I was doing both at the same time. I kind of had this like double life. This used to be a much smaller operation.

We had no office. Everyone was working out of home. So it started in Boston and I was like the New York ranch. So I was like working out of home and I was like secretly blogging while doing my accounting job. Was it called? Terrible. What was your blog called? It was still Barstool Sports.

It was just like Barstool, New York. There was Barstool, Boston. Then there was What was your blog called? It was still Barstool Sports. It was just like Barstool, New York. There was Barstool, Boston and then there was Barstool, New York and then Barstool, Chicago and then we grew big and then we brought it all under one roof. So in the beginning, it was just like guys,

kind of like the typical blogger like in your underwear on your couch, but growing it like pretty fucking big. That's pretty cool. So like what do you do for like, do you get paid for that? It's like cool. So like, what do you do for like, do you get paid for that? It's like, yes. Yeah, of course you do.

Yes. Join us in the fucking. And then you just brought all your friends in? Some. Yeah. Some, some, some of us are friends. Some of us are like. Did you bring your Boston guys? Like you're.

Well, they. So it started in Boston and then I was New York. So we would bring in like, you know, New York guys to cover New York teams and New York, you know, shit. And then now it's to to the point we're getting like interns and college kids and people just want to be a part of like a big media company but in the beginning it was just just a bunch like a handful of guys being like I don't know do you do a TED talk about this you should we don't do a TED talk but I feel like the the founder of it Dave is you know wildly rich now and I think he's doing like business talks and shit like that.

Well, that's funny because Dave's on line three, and he wants to say something to you. You'd love to. The port noise are... It was funny because it was a Boston Jewish guy and a New York Irish guy. Everyone always said we should have swapped personas. Yes, absolutely. It would have made a lot more sense to have the New York Jew and the Boston Irish guy, but totally backwards.

Do we have voicemails? Yeah, I have no idea what they are. I would expect that they'd be sick and wrong, so don't worry. Usually whenever anybody leaves a voicemail, it's like, you Cicero or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually we screen them and it's like, well, this one's not horrifically offensive. I'll just turn it up loud so we don't put that one down. All right, what do we got?

I have no idea. No, I know. It's all good. Hi, Nick, Jackie. I fucked up the last one. What does it take to? So a few days ago was my birthday, and I caught a call from a random number that I didn't know. So I didn't answer, and I figure if it's important, then they'll leave a voicemail.

This person did leave a voicemail, and when I went back to listen to it, it was the sales manager from the dealership that I bought my truck from recently. And I had maybe talked to this guy twice, and he was calling to wish me a happy birthday, which I'm sure is just some sort of formality for the dealer for customer service bullshit. And I appreciated the sentiment, but it was the most awkward voicemail I had ever gotten in my life.

And I was so happy that I did not answer it and did not have to talk to this guy about it. Would you ever leave a voicemail for someone? Have you left a voicemail any time in the last, I don't know, decade? No, I don't tend to leave voicemails or listen to them. Never. Did you get my voicemail? Who the fuck do you think I am? How dare you?

Who do you think you are? You obviously don't know who my father is. Leaving a voicemail for me? Are you out of your fucking mind? No, it's archaic and humiliating. It is. My voicemail box has been- And we will beat them in the next room when we play our fun-loving, wacky games.

These people will pay with whipped cream somehow. My voicemail, the last one, not since 2019 have I even been able to get a voicemail because it's just full. That's a great corporate world trick by the way I used to I let my mailbox at my desk fill up yeah nobody can never have to deal with voicemail you can't be like I left you a voicemail actually I'm like no you didn't bitch because that was it's filled up for the last like 10 months that's actually a really good idea if you leave a voicemail to anybody yeah in ever In, ever again. Yeah. Yeah,

like you deserve to have your phone taken away from you and maybe have your hands chopped off. Like, maybe you should never be able to communicate with anybody ever again.

How about that? Voicemail. Yeah, my, my grandmother used to leave them as letters. Like, she would be like,

dear Rachel Louise, drink a lot of water, try to be appropriate this evening, and don't curse too much In your talent show That's what my parents And my grandma

Called us when I was down Talent show My talent show Yeah thank god My parents have no idea How to like Find a podcast Or follow me

They don't know That's so good It's so My parents My mom knows She's like I know it's not for me My mom is like a pit bull

But she's like I know like that Humor's not for me So I'm like I'm just gonna choose Not to listen She's very i know like that humor is not for me so i'm like just not i'm just gonna choose not to listen she's very much like ignorance is bliss i'm like thank god she's right my sister does she knows that too my dad like six months into the job i used to tell him it was just a sports blog that i was just writing about sports and because some of the guys here do like actual sports coverage i do not so he was like we're at a family event and he

just kind of leaned over and was like So yeah that's not a sports blog I was like No it's not He was like Cool Rock on man Like keep doing your thing But I was like

No it is decidedly Not a sports blog So they're proud But they don't listen They're Oh Proud is a Yeah they're supportive

Okay I mean I left They paid for a college for me I was so lucky I got my MBA I got this finance This accounting job. And then I threw it all down the drain.

And they were like, not. They were just like, it's better work or else you're an asshole. Yeah. It worked. But they were never like, you know. They were supportive. They were quietly like, this is probably going to be a bad idea, but I hope you prove me wrong. They quietly tolerated it.

Yeah. How about comedy? I feel like that's got to be along the same lines. Mom, my parents were so liberal that they were very supportive. Is that a thing? I think the stereotype would be like a conservative Jewish family. Like you got to go get a job and pay your bills and make money. So they're a little bit of an outlier.

Yeah, my dad was like a civil rights lawyer and a blues musician. And my mom is a social worker. I moved to New York when I was 17 with this guy in his band called dick sister and my mom had like your poor parents my mom had no follow-up questions she was like on the front lawn and like a dashiki like sounds fantastic like strong women rock and i'm like that's not really helpful right now yeah i moved with dick sister i love dick sister so much he was like well i was in a band when i was like a boy with a band named black cock so we're fine like in my day that was next sister was no big deal yeah so they were like very supportive like yeah go do

i don't think it i don't know if it's support it should even be called supportive i mean it was clearly not okay at all i should not have been allowed to leave at 17 with dick sister where were where were they, actually? They were in Bethesda, Maryland. And Dick's sister just came, picked me up, and just moved with me. And then he kept dumping me, and I loved him so much, you guys. How dumb are you?

And I was pretty dumb at the time. Maybe less dumb now, but Dick's sister would dump me, and then I would just beg him to take me back, and he'd be like dump me, and then I would just beg him to take me back. And he'd be like, all right. And then he would undump me, and then he would take me back and then kind of re-dump me. I remember my dad had to come up. How old was he?

He was like four years older than me. It might have been illegal as well. There was a period of time that was for sure illegal. But it wasn't like he was like 40 or something crazy. No, it wasn't that crazy. I mean, that would be really funny if Dick's sister was all 40-year-olds, just 40- or 50-year-old guys. But no, Dick Sister, I really thought they were going to make it big. And if I could just hold on tight to Dick Sister.

Ride the Dick Sister wave. Ride the dick, girl. But he just kept dumping me. And after I think I was thrice dumped, I finally was like, all right, I got to move on here. And you're self-respecting woman, you know. Sure, of course. How many times can you get dumped by a dick sister? Three.

That's the answer. How funny is it to, you know, you just like, if you do, 17 is like young enough that you don't even really care. But if you're older and you're in a stupid relationship where it's like when you finally get out of it, you look at what you were doing, you're like, what the fuck? The decisions that I've made are so crazy I was with a guy this was so crazy but we met him

he was hanging out outside like stand up New York one night and my friend was like this guy's kind of like hot he's kind of your type and he sort of

was like a dusty kind of he sort of looked like Paul Newman like he worked in construction or something he was a young Paul Newman he was like hot but like a lot of red flags you know I like just assumed passed around look like Paul Newman, like he worked at construction or something. He was a young Paul Newman. He was like hot. Okay.

But like a lot of red flags. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like just zoomed past him. You just dived right in, you know? Yes. And then when you get out of it, you really do have like

relationship blindered on or whatever, amnesia or something where it's like, oh, that was like insane what I was doing. It was insane, for sure. And all of your friends

and family were like, yeah, man, like we, yeah. Everyone knew. We were waiting for you to see the light. I'm like, oh, it's so mortifying. I'm always telling people, I'm like, it turned out he had some mental issue.

And they're like, yeah, we knew. No. We knew. We knew from literally Jump Street. Like the first time you introduced us. I'm always the last to know. Always. I just don't have a good, I don't have good instincts.

Which is funny. You would think you would have like a good like social radar kind of like, you know, in comedy, on the road a lot, see all walks of life. Weirdos, scumbag, bitch, cool. You're nice. You're not. But it's like, no. I think also like when I started, you know, when I after Dick Sister had freshly dumped me, my self-esteem wasn't doing too well. And I think I was just impressed if any guy in New York City like had an apartment.

I was like, well, clearly I'm like, yeah, I was like, I should be lucky to go over to any man's apartment. Anybody that lived just a vaguely adult life, I would put onto an absurd pedestal. He has a belt. Yes, exactly. He's the real deal. He owns a belt. It's like, okay, all right.

That checks the box. I'll fuck this guy. Actually, Schumer and I were hanging out at a bar one night just to fuck with me amy yeah so we were like i was like oh i think that guy's kind of cute and i go to the bathroom and she goes up to the guy and she was like if you follow her to the bathroom like she'll have sex with you oh my god that's a hell of a prank i mean she knew he wouldn't really do it or she knew that he would not like take his dick out like lol i got my best friend raped in the bathroom i guess that's a good no but i think she thought like oh he's gonna go and try to hook up like try to say something first i don't think that i mean the chances of him being an active rapist and her saying that

at the same time yeah ifillions of one. Yeah. So if you really crunch the numbers, I probably wasn't going to be assaulted. So he just kind of like – and this is like one of the first guys I went out with. And then he worked at like a law firm or something. And I don't know. I just put up with all – he didn't follow me to the bathroom actually. He told me later that she said that. What a gentleman. I know. Isn't that nice that he didn't? That's Prince fucking charming. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He was like, I'm going to be assaulted. He didn't follow me to the bathroom, actually. He told me later that she said that. What a gentleman.

I know. Isn't that nice that he didn't start to assault me? He was like, I'm all good, lady. But the guy outside that bar, so she brought him inside. And he said he just got back from a war of some sort. And I was like, oh, poor guy. And so I got him a shot or something yeah no i'm actually really like i make and i know this will disgust everybody but i get really

nervous about like hooking up and i can't have like casual sex unless i'm like really into somebody so i was like listen can we have like a christian sleepover where we just cuddle and i but i'm very clearly outlining it. I'm like, listen, if I was your sexual attorney, I would recommend that you don't take this deal. It's not a good deal for you. I'm like, you're going to be kind of like flaccid and annoyed for the next several hours. But that's what I have on the table. Again, if I was you, I would be a strong, hard pass.

Right, right. But he was nice about my Christian sleepover thing. And we just like made out and he was pretty sweet and he said he got back from this war and then um and he took me over to his apartment so again i'm just like wow i think i'm gonna make it here a roof yeah a roof i don't deserve it it's raining out and we're safe wow i really did feel that way and then so the next time we went out he um he was like a foreman on a construction site or something. And he came to my show. I violently bombed.

It was like one of the first times I did stand up. And it was kind of the level where when you bomb, it's like an emergency. You know, you have to kind of people have to help you get out of the room. I think at one point I was like, somebody told me if you bomb really bad to say the most honest thing that comes to your mind. So I just stood up and I was like, it's my 23rd birthday. And this woman goes, 23 years of not being funny. Biggest laugh of the night for sure. For sure.

Like a Chinese fire drill around her table. She was just collecting high fives. He stayed, okay? After that bomb, if I was to say, that's how you know he really likes you. But the thing is, I think he was such a guttural alcoholic that he hadn't even noticed that I bombed. He was just a deep, code red drunk.

Oh, God. And I thought, and you're like, what a guy! And again, I was like, it's a man with a belt And he's still here That is so funny That he's sitting there Blatantly not even understanding

That you are a social loser Up there and you're sitting there Not realizing that he's a blind drunk What a person He thought he was in like Tampa or something He was a violent drunk What a perfect. So then we go to the bar afterwards and he was like, listen, just he goes, just so you know, I wasn't really in the war. Okay. And so this was so thankful for the company after that level of like a high octane kind of traumatizing bomb that I was just like, you know what? It's all good. It's all good.

Maybe that's why he stayed. Maybe he was like, now's my chance to get out of this. You're absolutely right. She's at her lowest. And I can tell her right now that I had stolen valor to try to fuck her. Yes. And I'm going to tell her and she'll be okay with it because she's that rock bottom. I think you're absolutely right.

Thank you for finally dissecting that for me. And then he goes to me later on, like we kept hanging out after that, after he told me it wasn't really in the war. The way you were setting that up was like the war. What do you mean the war? I know it was too vague, right? Like you would say like Afghanistan or wherever. I was in like what, the Great War?

You should have a single reference. Were you in the Korean War? Were you in the French and Indian War? What is going on here? The war. You guys, he had like a limp too. I still was just like, but he's got a one bedroom. He's going places. So

then we would hang out and he was, you know when you know an alcoholic, like a deep, just committed alcoholic when they have like sections in the bar and they have control issues with their money section and this is the tip part you know he had like a whole like system at a bar and i would meet him at this port authority bar after he got out of his like foreman job and i got out of my nanny job and he would just get just shit house wasted and every time we would be so romantic i was so lucky and then every time we would meet he would go at a certain point thought it was so hot and I was so lucky. And then every time

we would meet, he would go at a certain point, he'd be drinking at the bar and he'd go, listen, I gotta get out of here. I gotta catch a red eye. And I was like, where? Who needs you? Especially in this violently drunk state. And then a few hours later, I was like, didn't you have to catch a red eye?

And he admitted to me. He goes, well, you know, there's no red eye. I just kind of figured important guys catch red eyes. Isn't that fascinating? And I moved in with him after, post the red eye lie. And then we would, again, deserved everything I got after that. And then we would go out. I was always trying to collect him from some bar.

And he'd be like, baby, I got a red eye. I'm like, don't fucking pull your red eye. I've been down that lane and back with you before, my friend. And he admitted finally. He's like, yeah, I guess I just figured, you know, important guys have to catch red eyes or something. So it's something I say sometimes. There's something endearing about being that spectacularly stupid.

Like that man is as dumb as a balloon to be like, I just say I have to catch. Do you think he even knows what that means or he just says the words? I mean, a red eye also. Because if you say you have to catch a red eye and then you don't go anywhere, it doesn't make any fucking sense. It's, you're right. Because at a certain point, the cat's out of the bag, isn't it? Like, there was no red eye because you're still here, dude.

And you're still here. Man, that's's great you've had like nine yeagers yeah that stage of just lying just blatantly lying to have sex is great and he would be and he would get drunk whereas do you know any drunks like this where a certain point of the night he would just kind of start glaring at somebody and he would sort of think somebody had an issue with them at the bar and you're gonna fight with a guy just because they're there and he'd be like you never defend me you never fucking defend me and i never fucking defend me. And I'm like, because that is like an old woman named Virginia. Like she was glaring at some 80-year-old lady trying to drink in peace at a Port Authority bar.

And I'm pretty sure she hasn't harmed you. These are the things that when you get out of the relationship, you're like, can you believe? You know, he used to try to pick fights with old women at the bar. Yes. Yes, we did. We saw him do it many times while you were like rubbing his leg and holding his hands you idiot my brother was like just like this last week because we went on vacation with my whole family and they were just telling all these like

chris stories which is his name my brother's like you know that he glared at me like a lot like i was like really he's like yeah your birthday i had to leave because he kept glaring he would just choose one person to look at them like this really you know and there was always one enemy that he had yeah at the bar and then I love it and these are the people you choose to associate with yeah and I was like did he ever by any chance like say that he had to catch a red eye and my brother was like yes a couple times and I was like oh I'll explain the red eye thing. He'd come up to my brother. Amazingly dumb. Amazingly dumb.

Kind of like, you know, he had like chest out. Also, my brother's like a nebbishy Jew. Like, why did he need to pick a fight with this lovely, like, Jewish social worker? And he'd come up. Meanwhile, he's like a jacked construction dude. He's come up real aggressively to my brother. He said, he'd be like, dude, I better leave. better leave i gotta catch a red eye but this isn't fucking over i gotta go back to war going to play war again and for my red eye oh my god and that like can

you believe that there are some guys out there who like like they're like i can't get a date or i haven't gotten laid and there's the guy who doesn't even know what catch a red eye means. Sweeping up. Yeah. It's crazy. It's not right. I wish I could be the Robin Hood of pussy and take it away from guys like that. Yeah, give it to the scientists.

Wouldn't that be great? And the men would deserve it. The Robin Hood of pussy. How could we physically do that? You need to like kidnap them, chloroform over, take them out of the bar, prop them up next to the nice guy when they come to. You fuck this guy now. Yes. I mean, that is.

Later. Sometimes in my career, that quote is going to get taken out of contest. And somebody is going to say to me, you know, pussies can make their own decisions for themselves. And I will say on the record that I do know that. But I could be a helpful Robin Hood. I could just be like, look. Pussies cannot think for themselves. Maybe.

And neither can dicks. And that's how we end up in these situations where you fuck people who you would never even entertain a conversation with them. But all of a sudden

your pussy wants their dick and their dick wants the pussy so now you're talking to the dumb guy who lies about the war. It's crazy. I mean, yeah. How much it clouds you,

it's nuts. It's true. And it's like, and what you end up, what I would just stay and hang out for is truly fascinating. One guy that was like wildly jealous that he used to go. So he would always go through my history and my internet and then like find some guy to get jealous about that I liked a Facebook photo for. That's I find like intolerable now. It was so exhausting.

If you can't deal with like an Instagram like or a follow or the porn I watch. Or just maybe a tongue sign next to a guy's photo. It's run a train on me or something. It's like whatever, Rob. Stop being such an insecure pussy. I meant it like ironic train. Yeah, maybe you saw the sex tape that we made once. Like shut the fuck up.

It's 2021, all right? No, but he would look at like and i again he knew he went through my exhausting christian sleepover phase so he knew that it's like i'm not i've never cheated on anybody in my life yeah and he went through like the thing with the christian sleepover thing is that i think it doesn't really work because the guy's so exhausted he's like where do i sign yes like he's backed up he just wants to get laid he doesn't necessarily want to be my boyfriend but he ends up i've just made him exhausted sleepovers yeah i think i'm being like self-respecting but i end up with some yes asshole that probably doesn't even really like me that much honestly it's like would you really want to date a guy who's such a fucking chump or a weirdo that he accepts endless christian

sleepovers i don't think you do they weren't endless i mean and you know and everyone how long before there was an uh uh an adult sleepover where tits were complimentary and like the second christian sleepover okay i loosened up slowly but yeah i mean not one of those practicing christians just like a christmas and easter it goes without saying yes anyone's welcome not anyone but anyway so so i don't even remember what the fuck i was talking about wait no yeah i was saying how would you want the guy who does the christian sleepovers yeah no but that is nice because he was but yeah but would you know because what you want or what you like what you dream of is the guy who's like sweeping you off your feet and you're not even considering enforcing

your dumb stupid rules maybe i mean i don't know sweep off your feet guys usually that's the guy that again i feel like eventually kills you yeah the guy that says that thing you've been waiting to hear he knows that's probably he's probably not even aroused by women you know i feel like men that can create like that perfect compliment you're waiting to hear as a woman. There's a good chance. If it's too perfect. Because you're crafting it.

You're like working on it. Yeah. Like, you know, yeah, I can see that. So I don't know. I think if you're too smooth, that's when you know it's kind of fake. Yes, I do think so. You need a little bit like of like stumbling, bumbling to make it like real. I think so.

But I have no answers. I mean, clearly i moved in with the red eye guy so what the hell yes i moved in with him and then i would come home and i'd be like you're drunk and he'd be like i'm not drunk you want to fight actually i'm gonna i remember one night he was just like shirtless and um no no he had on not shirtless he was he had on like a um kind of magnum pi type like hawaiian like you know button up yeah right and um balls dick and just like a fun loving hawaiian button down shirt sitting on the edge of his bed just bright red you know the kind of drunk where you're like

wet you know fluorescent red yeah yeah yeah and I was like you're fucking drunk he's like I'm not drunk you obviously want to fight and I'm not

and I was like why do you have a Hawaiian shirt on was the shirt buttoned or not buttoned it was buttoned no fascinating

buttoned so he's doing like Winnie the Pooh he's got no pants on took the time to button it up didn't put any pants on he's just sitting there dicking balls out

bright red drunk dick balls bright red drunk with his Hawaiian top on I kind of wish I'll say he was fun I won't give him that he was a time

he was fun and it was entertaining if nothing else and he's like I'm not drunk and then he just quietly fell forward off his bed

just face forward it was the dumbest fall because he had like a nice thick carpet. So his stupid head just went plopping into the dumb carpet. And I think around that time I gave him some sort of ultimatum. I was like, if you don't – If you don't put some pants on and we are not dating anymore. Then he was – yeah, there was not a chance at all. What I wonder is like when you hear stories like this This is one of those like man you should like

Make a series about this or write a book About the dating exploits Is it or do you think everybody has these stories I don't know I don't know if anybody's made disastrous choices I don't want to say that I know it feels that way but I promise you Maybe yeah I mean the guy

That would go through my history a lot He would do He would often take my laptop and he would get mad and he would start screaming about some guy's Facebook photo I liked. And then one thing he did that was really strange, when he would get really mad, he would make these wild noises, like Howard Dean type noises. Yes, he was like, ah!

No way. Like a monkey? Kind of. More like just like, ah ah like when a guy gets excited in a campaign he takes it a little too far yeah the only way to describe it is howard dean yes yes and he would make howard dean like noises and then he would and he would be like ah you whore and then he would run with the laptop to the freezer and i was used to that freezer run i was like oh here's the thing he's bringing the laptop to the freezer run. I was like, oh, here's the thing. These dudes bringing their laptop to the freezer.

To like put it in there or something? Yes, and he would put it in the freezer, which I think if I want to get into his specifically psychotic mind, I think he wanted to like destroy it, but he knew that the stakes would be a little too high with that. So he kept throwing it out a window. Smash it. I'm going to put this in the freezer. So he thought he would freezer it. What a fucking dork. And I was used to that freezer run.

I mean, how many times do you think you did the freezer run? I mean, like, it got to a point. It was a very familiar jog for me, like, from the bedroom to the freezer. I was like, okay. In fact, here's Sinelli. He's going to the freezer. It's one of the funniest. This is making red-eye guy sound like a fucking marriage material, husband material.

No, he had, like, spyware on my phone. He was exhausting. That is one thing i can't tolerate anymore and i can't believe any we any of us do but we all do where it's like yeah man so she went through my phone and she saw and like yeah listen if she finds something like legit of course that's on you but you're you'll find something sure because you'll like you'll talk a little shit like oh my god she's being crazy today and you find that or something you said to your friend or about another girl whatever so it's like you'll find

something it'll be a fight but the fact that anybody tolerates it where it's like that should be like you're done i know you know like if a normal person if you found them going through your shit you'd be like i'm gonna punch you in the fucking face and never talk to you again and because you're dating someone it's like well, I'll forgive you and we'll keep doing this. It's insane. I don't know why. Oh, you went through all my shit. Like you, like you like hacked into my stuff.

He did. And he had, he had like systems. Like, you know, I had to get a new phone because I couldn't figure out what he was doing. And then he had me get Alexa because he said, yes, motherfucker. And then I was like, because I remember actually one of my girlfriends was like, hey, this guy thinks you're cute. Nikki, actually, she was like, this guy thinks you're cute. And I was like, again, innocuous.

Who cares? Comment, you know, and she said and then we talked about on the phone and this, you know, random guy that we do in the business. So he said you were cute or something. Who gives a shit? Nice compliment, whatever. So we said you were cute or something. Who gives a shit? Nice compliment, whatever. So we talked about it a little bit. And then later on that night, he came home and he's like, so obviously I know so and

so thinks you're hot. And I was like, how would you know that? And I couldn't figure it out because I was like, I didn't write about it. It's not an incident. And he's like, things get around in this business. I mean, that's not a good tale. Men don't talk about that. They talk about maybe their own, I guess, replay, whatever their own foul sexual experiences

are. But they're not like sitting around like, guess who thinks somebody else is mildly attractive. Yeah, that story stinks. And I was like, that's no way that would have come to you. You know, and I was just it was haunting me. I had this pilot at the time and for Comedy Central. So I went in the writer's room and they I was they kind of knew he was crazy again but I was like this friend of mine

has this guy doing this thing where and they were like yeah you're it's they said do you have Alexa

one of the things they asked me because I was like I didn't text it finally I was just like it's me and they're like we know

so then even see I'm so like not a spy oh so you just like played back your he put the thing in the room and then I realized Alexa was recording everything and so that's how he would know

things and he always seemed like he was mad at me but yeah it was a lot but that's and then like did you continue to see him after that I'm sure yeah I mean that's what's insane I had to go and you know go to therapy and work on myself and try to make better choices

you fuck with people though it's just I once I felt there was a time where I remember being like I'm bugged and I'm now thinking about Alexa I'm like I remember being like looking inside a teddy bear like did she put a camera in here? Like, how?

Yeah, because you guys know what I'm talking about with Alexa, because it can record. You can set it to record. Now that might be it. I swear to God, there were times I thought the place was bugged. I was like, do I have to have someone come sweep my apartment or something? I know. And then I remember one time I start, I'm like, I got to fight back. I remember one time I was like My computer is compromised somehow

So I opened up my computer I made up a fake name And I searched it on Google I searched the name and Instagram And I just searched it and then I closed it And then she brought up the name And I was like You dumb bitch that was fake

I like smoked her out And then you know six months later I mean like, you dumb bitch. That was fake. And then did she admit to it? I, like, smoked her out. Yes. And then, you know, six months later, we're still doing this thing. I mean, like, crazy things, you know? Well, it's hard also because, like, you want them to get better. Like, he would admit it. Then he would say, this is issues I have and I'm going to get better. You know, like, but it's like, I also think. Well, that's what it is for you guys.

It's the sex for us. It's like, whatever. The sex is for you guys. If I say sorry, can we go, you know? Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. I mean,

this dance just fucking continues until somebody ends up in the freezer. Exactly. With the laptop. It is just crazy. And I'm jogging after him. Just like every Tuesday afternoon. That's so funny. So I was like,

okay, here we go to the freezer. The first time you're like, no, no, no. And then by the third one, you're like,

no, no, no. And then he would stand in front and be like, ah! I'd just be like, okay, here we go to the freezer. The first time you're like, no, don't do it. And then by the third one you're like, no, don't do it. And then he would stand in front and be like, ah! I'd just be like, please, please give it back. It was so crazy. But really a lot of the crazy is my own because why in God's name am I? Well, that's when you go, there's one common denominator here.

Yes. It's fucking me. And that's when I had to like learn to like stop doing that and see red flags and not put every guy in a pedestal who just, you know, goes to an office during the day. I really thought that I was like so lucky. You go on an elevator to go to work? Yeah. You're the real deal.

And then firefighter comes and writes all those wrongs and gets rid of all the red flags and happily ever after. Yeah, and we just don't ever. That's just amazing. But no, we were set up and here's how i was described to him how insulting is this description his buddy called him up and he goes how would you like to meet a semi-famous jewish jokester have you heard a less arousing expression it sounds like a character

from like fiddler on the roof or something yeah no guy wants to meet a jewish jokester not at all no i can't think of something that turns me on less than a jewish and then i think on the roof or something. Yeah. No guy wants to meet a Jewish jokester. Not at all. No. I can't think of something that turns me on less than a Jewish jokester. And then I think my name cock blocks me really bad too

because if your buddy calls you up and he's like, hey, I want to hook you up with this girl. Her name's Rachel Feinstein. You'd be like, you know what? That's a little bit tough.

I want to use this picture. Yeah, yeah. Like 70. Let's hope she's one of those people who say, yeah, your name does not really match your looks at all. You know, if you get set up with like some fucking Spanish, you know, Veronica Salamanca or something, it's like, okay.

Yes. Rachel Feinstein's not really moving. That's why there's not like, yeah, there's not like a lot of like Susan Weintraub's in porn. It's not particularly, yeah, it's a very flaccid making name. Yeah, the chosen tribe is not one for the Pornhug names. You're not going to get Axelrods. You're not going to get the Steins and the Bergs on Pornhub. That's not going to happen.

I search my dermatologist's name on porn sites all the time, and I can't find it. I'm like, Leibowitz, Leibowitz, Leibowitz. Leibowitz coming on stomach, And I can't find it. So if you're out there. Oh, man, I love it. You're a funny Jewish jokester, I'll tell you that much. Shit.

Am I supposed to play a game now? Yeah, yes. We're going to go next door to the studio. We're going to play Answer the Internet. So tell the people where to find you and the podcast and all that, whatever you got going. My Instagram is Rachel Feinstein underscore. I have a new album coming out, a prank album called Call Girls.

Oh, yeah. You do a lot of voices and characters and shit, right? Yeah, yeah. And we pranked through like COVID, me and my friend Jessica Kersen, who's a really funny comic. Oh, yeah, I know. That's great. So we're coming out with that album, which will be out in Sirius on the 24th.

Beautiful. Great. Thanks. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.