KFC Radio - Rosebud Baker Breaks Down Writing for Saturday Night Live

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Rosebud Baker returns to the show! She's tells us what it was like working as a writer for SNL, doing long distance with her husband Andy Haynes, and we're bringing back the popular 1930's phrase "horse of a different color". We also cover Elon's takeover of twitter, Drake's engagement necklace, play Who's the biggest Ahole, and answer your voicemails. If you want to watch the pod on youtube or leave a video voicemails click here: linktr.ee/kfcr Rosebud's Standup about hunting - https://www.instagram.com/p/CmKWw_nLwpx/ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes 00:00:00 Start 00:02:48 Kids in the Woods 00:06:24 The Anti Pizza Party Movement 00:07:19 When's your first memory? 00:08:22 Public School and UTIs 00:16:26 Working at SNL 00:22:48 What would your send off tweet be? 00:24:53 Will Smith was Spat on 00:27:24 Elon Taking over twitter 00:31:42 Horse of A Different Color 00:34:15 Building a new special 00:36:16 Findoms 00:48:25 Long Distance Marriage with Andy 00:54:04 Drake's Engagement Necklace 00:58:45 Who's the Biggest AHole - Girlfriend's Hoodie Collection 01:06:54 Who's the Biggest AHole - Who Pooped the Driveway 01:17:57 Video Voicemails ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Support our sponsors: HelloFresh Go to Https://barstool.link/HFKFC and use code kfc18 for 18 free meals plus free shipping Simplisafe Customize the perfect system for your home at https://barstool.link/Simplisafekfc Betterhelp This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC for 10% off your first month Omaha Visit https://barstool.link/OmahaSteaksBSS, take advantage of 50% off sitewide plus use promo code KFC at checkout to get that EXTRA $40 OFF your order. Minimum order may be required ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Jesus Christ, dude. That's a fucking t-shirt. Somebody's got to get that on a merch. Make sure that you're subscribed on Apple and on Spotify. Click five stars and leave us a good review. It helps us out tremendously to make the five stars and leave us a good review.

It helps us out tremendously to make the show bigger and better for you to consume. So all I ask you to do is take two seconds, subscribe, rate, review. Thank you. How are you guys?

Fantastic. How are you? No, we're not saying that. No, that's right. Why? We just talked to Colin Quinn and I said, how are you doing?

He goes, fine. In a very like real way, like just fine, you know? And he was like, I always oversell it and say fantastic. It's just, we're fine. I've been doing that a lot lately i'm just overcompensating i'm tremendous sort of responding with noises instead yeah such as how are you doing

i like this fit though thank you i heard something outed me on it because i've been wearing it for three days oh yeah dude i got out of work and I'm like, it feels like recovering from a fucking car accident every time I get out of work. SNL work? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like. So you like, let me just tip this for you. Wait, you've been wearing that for three days for real?

For sure, yeah, no. Do you get like a, do chicks get a smell? It was on, for sure, yeah, I stink like shit. It's also shit. It's also such a specific, like if you wore a black hoodie and black sweatpants three days in a row, nobody would know. It is a very specific thing. Yeah, and I don't care.

Can I smell you? You sure? Yeah, you can smell me. Go ahead. Is it bad? No, you smell good. Pretty rank? Are you wearing something?

Did you put on perfume? Because it also smells like something. I'm covered in, I'm absolutely covering a scent. Got it. If I smell good, it's because of a lot of, I'm just layered. Your armpits shouldn't smell that good either. But do girls get like, all right, this is going to be gross. First of all, you're almost 40.

You should say women. First of all, I'm 34. I'm not almost 40. You're barreling towards it, okay? In your behavior, you're like 18. In your looks, you're like 45, somewhere in the middle. I don't, you're like 18. In your looks, you're like 45. Somewhere in the middle. I don't.

You're a girl, dude. Yeah, you're not a woman. I'm a full woman. You are not. Yes, I am. Yeah, I am. You are not the person you think you are. You're not in this bad of a mood without being a full woman.

Okay. That's a good point. That's actually really, if you want to talk about how you define a man and how you define a woman versus boy and girl, and it's not age, it's like responsibility. It's also age. Legal reasons. I'm a boy.

I'm a little boy. I'm a boy. I'm a little boy. He's definitely a little boy. There's no doubt about it. I'm a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so far from it.

It's just your stress level and how much shit you have to deal with in your life right you've probably been a woman for since you were like 12 12 yeah yeah yeah this voice since i was a toddler so i saw a clip of you the other day talking about how you thought how andy was like painting his face with crayons at a certain age and oh yeah you were you were out hunting with your dad yeah yeah i was like painting his face with crayons at a certain age. Oh, yeah. And you were out hunting with your dad. Yeah. Yeah, I was like learning to use a shotgun at eight years old. Yeah.

It's just insane. You go fetch the dead birds. My dad wants boys. He wanted sons. Yeah, and he would make me – we'd go hunting and he'd be like, well, you can't shoot the gun, but you can go fetch the things that I kill. And massacre. So I would just be searching through the woods for a fucking quail. And be like, I don't even know what these birds look like.

And I mean, it was just a wild. Legit, how old are we talking? No exaggeration. I think I was 10. Probably 10. Shay just turned seven and i cannot imagine being like get in the car we're going to the woods we're gonna do some hunting yeah he just wanted that's also because i'm a boy though yeah i'm not a man yeah i don't know what

in his mind he was like well i'm just gonna raise them to be little men yeah and i and then i'll feel like i have sons you you have no brothers? No. Just girls? All girls. Yeah. Yeah, well. They wanted a boy. They tried for boys and they got like twin girls from trying for boys. What's that mean? Try like you do certain things

to make it, you know, all that old midwives tales. Yeah. I mean, it's, well, when a man and a woman

really love each other. But like now I feel like if you got the money, you can be like, boy. Right. Six foot, blue eyes, you know, like you can mess around with a little. You can just make one in a lap. That's the money, you can be like, boy, six foot, blue eyes. You can mess around with a little.

You can just make one in a lap. That's what I'm saying. So back then it was like, if you eat spicy food while you're conceiving, you'll get a girl. It's like, no, fuck up. This is all nonsense. Right, exactly. We took my – my sister just had a boy and we took him to – my mom always did this woods walk on Thanksgiving. And so we took him for a walk in the woods.

But he was in a stroller. He's also like two months old. He's like three months old. And so he was in a stroller, but the terrain was so rough, it didn't make sense to push him in a stroller. So we just left the stroller in the middle of the woods and carried him. You're like, we'll get it on our way back. And when you're walking through the woods carrying an infant,

it completely shifts the tone of the walk. and carried him. You're like, we'll get it on our way back. And when you're walking through the woods carrying an infant, it completely shifts the tone of the walk. In what way? Like it looks like you're sacrificing a child? It's like you were taking this child to perform a ritual. Yeah, that looks like... If I saw a bunch of people just holding a three-month-old in the woods,

I'd be like, this is some Game of Thrones, White Walker shit, I'm out of here. It was like eight adults passing around this infant. I was like, guys, everyone else understands how fucking insane this is some Game of Thrones White Walker shit. I'm out of here. It was like eight adults passing around this infant. I was like, guys, everyone else understands how fucking insane this is. We will now do the bloodletting. This is ridiculous.

I would think that it would just feel like you go from someone enjoying a walk in the woods to someone who lives in the woods. Yeah, yeah. This is where we belong now. We're woods people. We are among the forest folk now. Fuck that, man man that's weird no one else got it how old is he did you say he's like three months i think late september

yeah he's like still belongs inside someone yeah i can't stand but the the doing like crazy shit or like the the first birthdays i know someone who just had a hundred people invited to a first birthday it's like bro that's a wedding for some people. You're doing it for a one-year-old. Maybe they just hadn't seen any of their friends for a year. Here's the reason we've been absent for a year. That's probably what it was.

And the baby's not even there. Let's just fucking rage for a couple hours. They get a fucking keg for their one-year-old toddler. I think that happens at a lot of one-year-old birthday parties. Oh, big time. I'm going to start a cause. cause i'm gonna start a movement and that is uh no more fucking pizza party part of a kid's birthday party none of them fucking want to do it what do you mean i've been to enough birthday party some of them like pizza but it's like we were at a trampoline park we were uh like playing in a like swimming in a

backyard pool we were doing all these fun things and then they're like everybody stop you have to come eat food and that's like the final like 45 minutes of a two-hour party is a bunch of fucking it's like 20 like five-year-olds crammed in a room and they eat their pizza in 10 seconds and then they're like we want to go play again and the place is like nope like your party's done you have to spend the rest of the time in here. No cake, no pizza. Just do the fun thing and go home. So you're taking a real hard stand.

Real hard stance. Standing up for every fucking parent who's ever been like, well, what do I do with them for the next hour? I hate it. I'd get rid of the parties in general if I could. They're all stupid. You probably could. I mean, they wouldn't remember, right? They don't really remember.

Yeah, I'm at the point where they would. When's your first memory? My first memory? Yeah. Yesterday? Yeah. I mean, I truly, I don't remember a lot of my life. I'm the same way, and I wonder what it is I did to myself.

Well, I think it's probably what someone did to me. Probably. I mean, let's not get too into it, but like, yeah, I'm positive. I blocked out most of my life. Like there's people that I've run into on the street in New York that are like, we went to high school together and I'm sitting there just like, I can't even place, I can't place your face from, even if I was to imagine it young, like I can't remember. I would imagine you went to a small high school.

Yeah. It wasn't huge. It was like, I mean, it was you went to a small high school. Yeah, it wasn't huge. It was bigger because it was a public school. I would have guessed you went to a private school. I was the only one that went to public school. That checks out. They sent me to public school. They sent everybody else to private school.

I don't know what... They didn't even try the private school with you? No. We were just sending her to public school and she's going to figure it out. And I did. I actually did. I did like... I think public school is so much better.

It was great. I'm trying to get my kids the fuck out of private school. Out of private school? The religion stuff. It's very easy to get them out. Stop it. It's not. It's not.

It's just like... It's just not, you know... Is it not? Is it like... Well, you know, it's like if you live in the school district of the good public school, then you're fine. Oh, if you live in a shitty one. Yeah. So like I don't right now.

And then I think you can pay straight up tuition to the public school. But it's like at that point, you might as well just get the house in the nice part of town and pay the taxes. But it's not as easy as you think. And then when they start doing the religion shit,'m just like what the fuck are we doing here why are we teaching little kids this shit it's too fucking weird man I didn't know they taught religion in New York City I'm sending my kids to a religious school

so I'm an asshole for it but like you know I always tell them can't we just do the be nice to each other and do unto others as they do to you like without the molestation without the molestation without the the execution the crucifixion the fucking you know we got an email the other day saying they were teaching about the immaculate conception bro you can't even teach the regular conception you know

the reason she was emailing is because they were teaching the kids that Mary was perfect. And my son said, like, she colored in the lines every single time. That was his response. Because he's too fucking young to be talking about a perfect woman who's immaculately pregnant by a fucking angel. What are they talking about

when they say she's perfect? Like, are they saying her pussy? Is that what they're saying? Mary gave great Mary had an immaculate conception and her pussy was perfect and that's what you need to know i mean straight up though mary had a rancid pussy oh how do we know this everybody back then had a rancid pussy if you're giving birth in a barn you're just not gonna be that hit me this fucking year i was at a stupid pageant for my kids and I never really actually thought about being in the manger. I was just like, I don't know.

You're sitting in a pile of hay giving birth next to donkeys and camels. You know she had a yeast infection for weeks. Weeks. Just no antibiotics. Just lived with it. I think every single person just had a yeast infection. It wasn't a thing. That was antibiotics. Probably forever. Just lived with it. I think every single person

just had a yeast infection. Yeah. It wasn't a thing. That was just called having pussy. Yeah. Your pussy was just filled with yeast. How do you get a yeast infection? And you just felt like you had

fucking ants in your fucking vagina. Is that what yeast infection feels like? It feels like getting bit by ants or something. Does it happen when you wear the same clothes three days in a row? No. How do you get it?

I don't know how. That's like UTIs give you. I think it's like certain dicks, honestly, can give you one. That's pretty much. I used to give UTIs out like they were fucking candy on Halloween, bro. Jesus Christ.

That's a fucking t-shirt. Somebody's got to get that on the merch. Just write now write it down that made me pause I was like whoa giving out UTIs like they're candy on Halloween

that is something man my ex girlfriend had her fucking urologist on speed dial every time we had sex before she even put clothes back on she's like gonna need a script. Oh my god. That is so funny.

That's kind of on her at some point right? I mean you got that yeasty dick. Nah that's on me. I'll wear that one. I think that's definitely on science.

It's like how hard is it to fucking fix this? It's one little did I just drop my coat? Yeah whatever it belongs on the ground. So do you. Yeah.

I think that's I think that's on science though. I think they've got to fix that. That's a fuck. So do you. Yeah. I think that's on science, though. I think they've got to fix that. That's a fuck up on their part. Yeah, I think so. Like, it can't be that hard. We're sitting here guzzling, like, fucking cranberry juice. Like, fix it. Yeah, that's what's funny, too, is that they're just like, cranberry juice.

Like, that's your answer? They don't even say that. They're like, you could try that. Yeah. Like, half the time I go into the gynecologist, they're like, yeah, I mean, we don't really know. Like you could do this or you could try that or just fix it yourself. That's because pussies are a fiasco. Yeah.

When you think about it, just like an open hole with like another open hole, tiny hole, big hole, open holes. I mean, it's not. You don't walk around with an open hole. It's like it closes itself up. It doesn't really, though. It does. If one of the lips overlaps the other lip, it just shuts itself like a fucking plant. Oh, really?

That's one thing. This is like sex ed with Rosebud. That's one thing. If it overlapped, I would say you closed almost like guys' underwear, like there's two flaps that close. That would be closing this is this is not closed this is Close doors can close this way they can close this way it closes like a fucking but it Unless you're getting like an airlock you need some overlap. Yeah, I should be like like corn like in a cornfield We have to kind of push both things. Yeah. Yeah

Here's the other thing is that it's like self-cleaning, so you don't have to like... Which I've heard about. We've heard about that. I learned that in the last year, I think. You did? Where it's like a self-cleaning oven. You know what?

I said that like I didn't learn that in the last like five years. I'm pretty much learning everything now. There was a TikTok that went viral of a girl going like, did I just get my period? Oh, no, she's just self-cleaning a TikTok that went viral of a girl going like, did I just get my period? Oh no, she's just self-cleaning. And that went viral. And all the girls were like, lol. And all the guys were like, what does this mean? And it was very funny to watch the reaction.

That is hilarious. They also added a drop noise. That noise, you know? That's so good. And so we were like, did they make that noise when it cleans? It is wild that people will do that on TikTok. That's like something,

I would never think to fucking put that on TikTok, ever. Sometimes the funniest ones that I do enjoy and do go viral, I'm just like, what was the inspiration for you to talk about this to the world? But I don't know, we say a bunch of dumb shit here.

I guess it's just gotta be something where you're like, today I don't give a fuck. I woke up, I don't give a fuck. And up i don't give a fuck and then i think if you get it once and you go viral they're like oh that sweet taste like right trying to talk about every i'm sure that that same girl made fucking a million more tiktoks about other body parts trying to absolutely capture it again yeah um shout out our friends over at hello fresh i am literally updating my menu for this week.

Actually, I'm skipping next week because I'm going to be home for Christmas, and I'm getting my Monday, January 2nd order in. I got the Italian chicken and pepper sandos with potato wedges and tangy garlic sauce. I got some bulgogi pork tenderloin with roasted carrots and lemony rice and sweet and smoky pulled pork lettuce wraps because your boy is healthy. You got new year's goals and hello fresh is here to help you achieve them skip the grocery store and take control of your time and budget with delicious recipes delivered right to your door i get mine every monday like i said i'm going home right after this i'm going home to cook some dinner uh fast and fresh recipes hello fresh's latest line of meals featuring robust flavors and filling portions are ready in less than 15 minutes.

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That is one-sixth of the year. You don't even have to worry about your food. You know how much money you're saving with that? That's 21 free meals, free shipping. Code KFC21 at HelloFresh.com slash KFC21. So SNL is like a job you go to? Yeah. Like a place?

I think you posted yesterday or recently, I think you said goodbye. You got an office and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good stuff. I know, yeah. I go there. Like every day? Going somewhere.

I go there every day. How many hours? It's like, dude, I don't know. I'm there so much that it's like I don't see my house. My house feels like a holiday inn. Like I like go there sleep there for like I don't know a few hours like four hours or something because we write the show on Tuesday.

Right. Like in one night. It is a rather ridiculous concept when you think about it. It's an insane That much content. It's insane. That many skits in a matter of like five days. It's like what? It's not even you do do that much content. It's insane. That many skits. Yeah. In a matter of like five days. Like what?

It's not even. It's. You do all the skits in one night. And then the next day they pick the skits that are going to go in the show. The sketches that go in the show. Like they pick from that. From everything that you wrote on Tuesday night. And then Wednesday you read it.

And Thursday you do rewrites. And then Friday it's blocking. And Saturday is dress rehearsal and show. Jesus. I like how we were also. it and Thursday you do rewrites and then Friday it's blocking and Saturday's dress rehearsal and show. I like how we were also so you work every day. It's not like my grandparents asking about barstools. You get paid for this?

It is kind of crazy though. This staple of American culture. That's a job, isn't it? You do writer's room, brainstorming, that kind of shit or is it like you peasants this way the fancy people this way no it's like it's not like that it's really collaborative and it's it's cool because you work with people that you don't think you wouldn't think that your sense of humor like meshes you know but unfunny people's which is no not at all just but like just a totally different type of humor

you know like there's some people that are more silly and there's some people that are more like premise based and more like heady

and you just kind of like all come together and you go like we gotta make this show in one night and we gotta do it with all of our different perspectives

and so you just sit down to do it and it's crazy what happens like sometimes it's a fuck show and sometimes it's great and then is there drama um not really catty clicky i mean maybe but i'm not like i'm so out of the loop with that shit i'm just not i'm like not the person to ask that's how you know you're not in the cool I don't fucking know yeah I like go

I go to work I do my work and then I fucking go home yeah you know it's a good way to be it's like I in any professions

it's a good way to be yeah I mean I love the job but I I'm like more focused on stand up and I think that that's like

that's more my what I love you know right but no it's like I'm learning a fuck ton about how to create how to make television right you know like you work on a sketch and you go like okay so I want to do this bit where like this guy gets his leg chopped off and you go all right is that joke worth it or should i i don't know i love how somebody getting their leg chopped off to me is hilarious but it's like no one on s that watches snl would like that they're all in idaho and they're like this is sad but you know when you're writing that you're like you're like do i want to do is this bit worth

it or do i want to talk to props about a bloody leg for the rest of the week? So you're writing from like a producing standpoint where you're like, what's producible? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what can I actually make and how do I ask for shit and when's a good time? And when they say no, do they really mean no or is this – because sometimes they'll say like, we can't do that. And you're like, can you not or is this – Or sometimes they'll say like we can't do that and you're like can you not or is this you don't want to or you or is this like you don't want to deal because of that because you see all the moving parts yeah yeah so you have this insight that i i feel like i'm going to

harvard for like making tv that's like what it feels like yeah and then i go home and i go or jail yeah or jail for like it's like some sort of fucked up sleep study where like they, you know what I mean? I'm like submitting my body to science. Or the Stanford sleep experiment or whatever it's called, prison experiment. Yeah. Because I fully, I'm like a hundred years old. Like I feel like, I know it's been a year since I've been here, probably more than a

little bit. I think so. A little bit more. I bet you even more, to be honest. Really? It was, you know, pints days and stuff like that it's been a while but it's been i i feel like it's been a hundred years since i've seen you guys like walking in the store i was like what's up yeah i think i feel like i see you all the time

just because i see you on instagram all the time right but i i would have never guessed it's been that long it's been a while yeah do we can we like search when she was gonna say you were on the kevin clancy show but prior to that, I think it was like, was it our live show that we did at the bar? Yeah, the St. Patrick's Day one. Yeah, it was St. Patrick's Day. It was the Friday Night Pints with all the other comics, Chris and Mike. That was two years ago.

Are you for real? The Pints with all the comics? The Pints with all the comics was a long time ago. That's when we launched the ATI app. And that was your birthday two years ago. That was a long time ago. Holy shit. Yeah. It's been a while.

That's wild. That is really wild. Yeah. Oh. It's great to see you guys again. I know. Your skin looks very nice. You're glowing.

Oh, really? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Did not. I've just slathered myself in Vaseline. I washed my face, threw Vaseline on it and it came here yeah

really? yeah does that work? Vaseline? I don't fucking know Vaseline and cranberry juice we'll find out in the comments I know that

yep yep if there's one thing if there's one thing female comics and entertainers love it's coming on Barstool shows

no your fans are nice though your fans are really nice. That's what the pretty girls say. No, they are. They're not bad because I'll go on other shows and it's like, what the fuck?

How old is she? And I'm like, older. Older, obviously. She's a woman. Much older. Like it's going to happen. She's a full woman.

Yeah, we only watch girls. It's so funny to me. Get that woman out of here. I'm like, what is going girls. It's so funny to me. Get the woman out of here. I'm like, what is going on? It's so funny to get older as a woman because people just get so mad at you and you're like, it's supposed to happen. Should I just kill myself? I can't stop it.

Yeah. Oh, the kill yourself is a good question. We were just talking about it. Did you see? It is a good question. I agree, fights. I ask it every day. Every day. Every single morning. I were just talking about it. Did you see? It is a good question. I agree, fights. I ask it every day. Every day. Every single morning.

But we were pulling up this tweet that went viral where someone was basically... Killing themselves? They're dying. Hi, folks. I'm afraid it's time for me to say goodbye. Not just leaving Twitter, but the whole show. I've been battling cancer the last two years, but now I only have

a few days left. Thank you, wonderful people. I leave this crazy world with much love in my heart. Heart emoji. And it's got, you know, super viral. And everyone's like, we don't know who you are, but like, you know. If you were gonna die, how do you sign off? What's your announcement?

I mean, what the... Why are they going on Twitter? Oh, you gotta say goodbye to the people. You're saying goodbye to Twitter? It's so funny to me to be like... When you're an addict like we are, it's like, I gotta say goodbye to people. But to be a non-public-facing person and put that out, I'd be like, who do you think you are?

The fucking president? Their family is probably like, what is... He has 30,000 followers. I don't know if... That would actually be funny. Fuck, this is gonna be somebody that's really well-known. No, it's... He has 30,000 followers. I don't know if... That would actually be funny. Fuck, this is going to be somebody that's really well-known. No, it's a scientist. It's a scientist.

But imagine... He actually added something to the world. Fuck him. Could you imagine? Yeah, he wasn't a podcaster. Don't mourn him, okay? There'll be other scientists. Yeah, it's funny.

Yeah, his thing is scientist and dad. Shirk. IRL. There are other dads scientists. Yeah. It's funny. His thing is scientist and dad. I roll. There are other dads around too. Wouldn't it be ironic if he had like 100 followers and he gets like 30,000 because of this? Yeah, yeah. It's like he never got to fucking. If I was. Oh, sorry.

I just vaped forgetting that I was inside. No, we don't care. But if there was. That's such a ridiculous. I'm so sorry. I apologize. Oh, I i don't know i the apologies i didn't forget i was inside but i just forgot i wasn't in my living room literally do whatever you want here you could you could punch that tv and break it yeah i was gonna be like whatever you see that headline that said uh will smith uh will smith says that act like co-act fellow actors spit on him during the filming of their latest scene yeah and i thought

it was like a like it was part of the scene yeah oh yeah that's such bullshit i i saw it's emancipation he plays it was yeah it was part of the scene no it was at ad-libbed, so I think it was like a slave owner and a slave, and he said something like, oh, you're a mouthy one, and he spit on him, and the spit was ad-libbed. And so I do get why that's crazy. That's a wild move to ad-lib spit on somebody. For real. That's almost as wild as slapping someone in the middle of their speech.

Right, right. Well, that's what I thought it was from a point of view. I thought it was like an actor on the set, you know, doesn't respect him anymore and they got in a fight and he spit on him like this is for Chris or something. But to do it in a scene while still crazy is totally different than – but imagine that being like – he said he was like, makeup? Like what the fuck? But he said – I think he wanted to say like i made the scene like great and shit but it's like that is that's something you gotta sign off a lot that's a fucking lot or you better be like somebody better be you know fucking uh anthony hopkins or you know somebody

who's like you can do that you know right i mean you're an up-and-comer you're like hey will i'm just gonna play around the scene a little bit it's just wild to me to not give anyone a heads up, or you're like, you just go, all right, I want him to hit me. I want him to hit me back. Well, that's probably some asshole actor who afterwards was like, the craft just took over, man. Like, I'm sorry. A hundred percent, that's what they're saying.

I like to think of them before and be like, I'm going to spit on Will. It wasn't the craft. It was like, I'm going to defend Chris Rock. Chris Rock has like Elon Musk fanboys. Right, right. I'm defending Chris. Man, that really was so crazy though.

That was a wild moment. I know it got so talked to death and everyone was over it, but it was like, holy shit. I got off Twitter, I think, that day.

I think I shut down my Twitter and I've like reinstated it a couple times yeah you're one of those serial quitters and you come back quit all the time and then I come back and then each time I come back there's like less followers and I'm like it's just gonna I'm just gonna keep doing it until I have no less than the dead guy and then I can just yeah because it's like I I don't know I go on there there and I'll try to have a good time. I'm like, this will be a fun thing. It's not for a good time.

And then I'm like, what am I doing? I know exactly what this is. I'm going to the fucking hardware store for milk right now. There's no point in me doing this. You should come back now. It's a lot of fun talking about Elon Musk. I did get back on when Elon took over just to see what was going to happen. He truly is a new Trump. You either dick ride him or hate him and and that's all people do now it's

crazy yeah yeah i watched him bomb on uh chapelle's that was fun that was a lot of fun that was a bomb yeah like that was like a five minute video of course it yeah i thought yeah but usually it was like not gonna ever be anything else but But usually I think the crowd relents. Did Chappelle do that? Yes. You think he knew it was going to be a bomb? Yeah. Okay.

I got the impression he was like – That's why he said don't ruin the moment when he was like, what should I say? And he goes, don't say anything. You're going to ruin the moment. Just let them fucking ruin you. It's like let eat the bomb. Just take it. I mean, but it kept going.

Yeah, because – I feel like eventually usually the crowd relents. Because you can't turn it kept going like yeah because eventually the because you can't turn it off you can't delete the tweet like you you're just up there failing and it's like that's what it fucking feels like dude and that i think we were saying like he clearly with his stuff with twitter and the way he acts is i i find him to be very like needy like praise and like he want and as all billion but he wants he wants to be thought of as he has a personality. He wants so badly to be funny. Or he can't buy it.

He's like, the emperor's new clothes I did was like, I can afford anything. I want this. You can't have that. You don't get it. Seeing that in real life must have been like, oh wow, it's not just like Twitter. It's I'm not interesting. It's real. It's so smart. interesting. It's real.

Someone so smart. Yeah. Like, you'd think that there would be a logical, like, oh, like, I cannot achieve this. You know, I've, like, run the numbers, and, like, I know, like, the person I am versus what people think is funny, and it is unattainable. But instead, he's just like,

I'm going to keep going against the tides here. That's more forgivable to me. Like, making a mistake, like, overestimating yourself and your abilities is like, that's fine. But when you start to see it play out, to double down and go and refuse to be humbled by the experience is what's wild to me. Yeah, yeah. Like you got, you're seeing it in real time. You're watching your own failure unfold.

He does usually tuck tail with whatever Twitter decision he makes. I think that's all part of his game right now. He says he's going to do something on purpose that he knows is stupid. And then when the people say, we don't want this, he goes, I listen to the people. And so it's like a setup. But it is better. I think the world has completely lost the ability to say, like, I'm sorry or say I'm wrong and, like, undo something or change. Right, yeah. Like, people just dig their heels in on fucking everything when there's, like, proof right in front of your face.

Well, and I— And it's just so—it's just, like, the inability to say, like, oh, oh, I got, like, new information, and now that's totally different. I changed my mind. I think that's all—I think that that goes along with not, it's not because of, it's like you could get into chicken or the egg thing, but it's like, we've lost the ability to say,

sorry, we've also lost the ability to forgive. So you go, they, those coexist with each other. But even the, you know what I mean? You can't like sports,

sports fucking analyst. And she was like, this dude sucks. He doesn't impress me. And then he scored two straight goals. And rather than just being like, Oh fuck. Like,

yeah, I was wrong. Right. She, you know, no, no, no,

it was because of this. And because of that, it's like, if you can't even admit to like a lighthearted, like you just, your sports take was wrong. Right. Then like,

what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, this isn't, this isn't like life or death. You can just say like oh well i'm a dumbass yeah that was the best series i mean she's defending her name is josina anderson

she used to work for espn i don't know where she works now but she was like she's like guys i know what i'm talking about my dad played soccer in jamaica growing up yeah like what does that mean it's a real sentence i'm gonna start using that unrelated to anything. I'm going to start just using that at SNL. My fucking sketch bombs. I'm like, you guys, I know what I'm talking about. All right? My dad played soccer in Jamaica.

Shut up. It's going in straight to air. It's not even when she was growing up. It's when he was growing up. He was a kid. You weren't even fucking around yet. My dad was 17. He was playing soccer in Montego Bay.

So, thanks. Don't need your opinion. Thank you very much. I was watching clips of this this morning and Fights was saying something about, oh, he was like, if you go after my loved ones, that's a horse of a different color. And the way you said it, it was like, I mean, business.

I was laughing so hard. That right there, that's a horse of a different color and it the way you said it like it was like i mean business i was like i was laughing so hard that right there that's a horse of a different color you know what's so funny i didn't it didn't even like register until you said it right now now i'm like no that's the most ridiculous fucking thing you know on twitter be like this is a serious conversation but for some reason this is hilarious because you said a horse of a different color yeah horse of a different color my man it is a horse of a different color

that has not been said since like straight up the fucking Wizard of Oz right like 1947 I love it I was like I want to bring that back

like immediately well that some people tweeting it at me made me start thinking of like what the funniest like white people

phrases are that we don't use enough. Yeah, there was a tweet about that. There's a tweet about that. And then I thought of Real Deal Holyfield. My dad used to say that all the time. I said that a lot. You said that a lot?

Yeah. That's the Real Deal Holyfield, dude. I say that a lot. Screw the pooch. That's another one. That's a ridiculous one, too. Screw the pooch. Oh, I screwed the pooch.

Goddamn. Hotter than a pistol. Hotter than a pistol? that's a ridiculous one screw the pooch oh I screwed the pooch god damn when when when I hear these things hotter than a pistol yeah he's hotter than a pistol right now hotter than a pistol

is very southern that's a southern one that's like saying white yeah yeah yeah white people

the more H's you say and a W the more racist you can tell someone oh right yeah like Stuart when he's like,

the Wheat-thans. Wheat-thans. White. When I hear the white people things and they're like the exact things I do or say,

I'm like, oh, fuck. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, I'm that. I'm that. See, no, I like it. I love it.

It makes me feel like we have a culture. Exactly. Domino's Netflix and the culture sucks though. Yeah, but it's like, when they're all like dumb phrases or, even if it sucks, at least it's there. We got something, yeah. At least it's Netflix. When the culture sucks. When they're all dumb phrases. Even if it sucks, at least it's there.

At least it's there. It's something. Even if it's dorky. We've got the New Balance sneakers. We've got the dumb dad phrases. They're all just dad phrases. That's why I thought of Real Deal Holyfield. Or the jokes. Did you get your hair cut?

Nope, I got them all cut. Those stupid things. Those are just dumb white people jokes right yeah and they and so and the pause like to you got to be proud of yourself after you nailed it i do i do appreciate a good dad joke i don't even have an example but there are some clever ones that i do yeah it's funny it's witty i love a dad joke when it's really bad, I kind of love it. Yeah, yeah. It makes me happy. Right.

There's an art for it, too. But you like a bomb, right? I think one time you were like, I like when I feel like I'm just going to burn this place down. Yeah, I liked it when, I think that must have been right after my special. But it's now I'm like, this is painful. I don't want to do this anymore. This hurts. I'm like this is painful I don't want to do this anymore this hurts but like it is it's because it's like getting a new hour together was like oh my god just like the most painful fucking process

you like you go out and you're like and I didn't I had some people will go on the road with like some of what they had in their special I didn't do that I should have done that but I didn't do that and I just sort of started talking wait wait wait so that means you like didn't do that. I should have done that, but I didn't do that. And I just sort of started talking. Wait, wait, wait. So that means you didn't test your special out? No, I mean, I did my special. My special had been tested from like 10 years of work. After Whiskey Fist.

But after Whiskey Fist, I was like, let me just start from zero and like see what happens and it was painful now it's like i think i got a good like 45 you know where i'm like okay this is like coming together there's there's an arc to this i i'm figuring it out like it's almost there and uh but like it was oh my god i was just going on stage and like walking off and being like, I think I just took comedy away from them. I think I did the opposite of my job. Like I think I made everyone sad. And that's what I did. It just was such a bad feeling.

And I'd go home and be like, I'm a fucking fraud. And I got to get out of this. This is not a good job for me. Like maybe I'll do interior design or something. You already got interior design, right? I do love it. You're sharing about it a lot. I do love it.

I love to design a space. At least a notable amount. I know you like it. Yeah. I love to do that shit. But yeah, it was like now I'm like, okay, it was worth it. But sweaty. You should. She would be great at that Fyndom stuff. She'd be so mean. What? now I'm like okay it was worth it but sweaty you should

she would be great at that Fyndom stuff she'd be so mean what she'd be so mean like the the guys who like want to be like

belittled and berated and shit like that I would hate that I think you would be I've done it before I hate that you've done it I did it

I had a Fyndom once really yeah okay what happened what'd she say it was a he it was a he it's always guys a fin dom once. Really? Yeah. Okay, what happened? What'd she say? It was a he. It was a he.

Oh, okay. It's always guys. It's always girls who do this. Yeah, there's no girls who are being mean to me. There's weird perverted shit. It's only men. You got a woman to do it to you, right? No, no, no. I had a guy who I was doing it to.

He was the guy berating. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, super gay and weird, yeah. So what? How did this? Wait a second. It's a horse of a different color.

Yeah, I'm like, just a second. What's the context of this? It was – I got a – You can't just drop that like – there was this one time where I was like paid to tell a guy – It's common around here. It was – so I got a DM – I got an Instagram DM once. This was probably like a year or two years ago. And it was like, hey, I'll pay you 50 bucks to be mean to me or whatever it was.

And I was like, this will be hilarious for the show. So definitely, done, in. And I was like, why? Was he like roast me? Yeah, it's kind of like that. Kind of like that. And I was like, why so cheap, you little bitch, or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, yes, exactly. Like, right away, he's like, that's perfect. I'm like, cool. And then, like, it was like, it went on. It didn't go on for long. Let's say, yes, exactly. Right away, he's like, that's perfect. I'm like, cool. And then it didn't go on for long. Let's say a week, maybe. And once a day, I'd fucking say some shit to him. And then a week in, he just sent me a picture of the littlest dick you'll ever see. And he's like, make fun of how small my cock is.

And I was like, all right. Oh, shit. I'm like, this got a little real. Oh, shit. I was like, this got a little real. So you were trying to roast him and then halfway through realized that he was jerking off everything you were sending. I wouldn't care if he was just jerking off. That's fine. It was just like, it was the

dick where I was like, it's so small and so sad. It just made it real. It was like a glass shattering moment where I was like, oh, this is fucking really real. That's so sad. Aw. I don't know.

Jackie's not here today, but we had a girl who was on the other side. No, not the other side. She was doing the same thing as him, but she's a girl. Right. And she was like, you come so fast or something like that? She was like, don't come so fast, you little bitch. You little bitch. She got paid a decent amount, but she said it ran its course pretty quickly yeah it's gotta be a really it runs its course yeah but i'm just i mean it's gotta be exhausting if you if you want

to get some anger out and you want to just like clowns and people it's a good way to do it get some extra nut and i mean 50 bucks i'll be honest is insulting you should have been like are you fucking kidding me yeah yeah i feel like that's so, you're asking so much more of the person. You know what I mean? It's a lot. It's like you're asking them to not only give up pussy, but you're also asking for creative

pitches on what sucks about them. I'm like, I'm not doing that. I need a brainstorming session. I need to be paid residuals if you're going to fucking I'm not, no. I need a brainstorming session. I need to be paid residuals if you're going to fuck me. I'm not. No. And it's also like I'd prefer, not with a guy,

but I'd prefer just sex. That's five minutes. You're asking for my time. And that, like a stripper. And mental energy. That's way worse. I don't check emails for work. Sometimes I forget to promote the show. Now I've got to add that to my list of things.

I've got to check your messages. If you make any kind of content, if you are a creator in any way, the amount of... The people that need a lot of bells and whistles and kink, I'm just like, I don't have time for you. I'm exhausted. You're going to have to

come up with your own shit. I'll say the line. Read me the lines. I'm not doing it. I'm not coming, I don't have time for you. I'm exhausted. You're going to have to come up with your own shit. I'll say the line. Read me the lines. I'm not doing it. I'm not coming up with shit. I'm not writing shit for you. I'm not writing for sex. Right. Okay?

It's not going to happen. Yeah. I had a buddy who was very into role play, and he would write. He would almost workshop it with us. Yeah. Man. He would be like, yo, sorry. So I'm going to have to. What do you mean workshop it with us. Yeah. He would be like, yo, sorry. We need to workshop it with you.

Do you think Rachel would be into doing Chinese takeout? We're like, what, dude? He's a delivery man? Please tell me he's not white. He is white. Oh, yeah, he's white. Oh, no. And she was white, too.

Oh, no. It's okay. He's dead. What? What? She killed him? Yeah, it's okay. He's dead. What? She killed him? Yeah, well. But he had another one where he's like,

he's like, yo, would it be weird if I asked Rachel to go to the beach and we meet in the water like mermaids? Bro, he said this to you guys? I mean, he's kidding. Oh, okay, alright. But then he would go do some of it?

I witnessed his pitch to her at the beach one time. He was like, babe, what if we went to the water and we did mermaid kisses? And then we went home and had sex. And she's like, what? And he's like, no, I really want to. I think he was 100% kidding. But he took it so far that she got angry. Where he's like, what the hell?

Why won't you just do what I want to do? Because it's perverted, Chris. It's weird. That's so funny. The only time Andy's ever tried to role play is when he's trying to make me laugh in the middle of something. Like he'll just try to, it pisses me off because he'll try to make me laugh in the middle of sex. Oh, I do that all the time. Can you not?

Please, not right now? Please. No, I think a good humorous session is enjoyable. Yeah, but sometimes you're like, I'm trying to come here. You're like, can you turn it off for a second? This is sad. We're comedians.

If you make me laugh, it's just sad. You're like, tell me I'm funny. I'm like, what? You know what I mean? Can I just blow you? I don't know about you. Do you feel like since you got this job, you are worse or better in bed? Oh, worse.

Way worse. Yeah. Way worse. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Why? Oh, yeah. He's getting off on how bad he is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said that with some pride, bro. I'm so much faster now. I don't have the energy anymore you cum faster? way faster bro because you can't control it I think it's also just my old age

I'm having sex with women now not girls, women I resigned from any sex on anything other than a bed I am done I have retired from that life. When people with dementia retire from public

life, I have retired from sex anywhere other than a bed. Not even a couch. I needed to be a full fucking bed, springs, mattress, the whole line. I had sex on a couch recently. Don't recommend it. Not good, man. I had sex

on the floor. I was on the floor. Oh my had sex on the couch recently. Don't recommend it. Not good, man. I had sex on the floor. I was on the floor, yeah. Unless you're just on your back, and even that's not enjoyable. I have a scar on my back from the last time I had sex on a floor. Really? Was it on glass? No, it was on a rug.

I just fully got rug burned on my spine. That's how you know it was pretty good sex though. It was great, but I'm like, I'm never doing that again. This is like, I got a scar. You put your shirt on afterwards and it sticks because of the blood. I was like, oh my god.

This is disgusting. That is exactly what you go like, this is not worth it. Right afterwards when I'm like, oh, I think I tore my ACL. I was like, oh, that was bending this way, and that was not supposed to happen that way. I did it.

When was it? We kind of started talking about this like a year ago. I forget if I was like, oh, maybe it was on a counter. I was kneeling on a hard surface. Oh, no. Heavens to Betsy. I was like, try it. I always do give girls props.

If you get on your knees on the ground, good grief. That is neato. Good grief, Charlie Brown. I could not, I cannot,

like, no. That's no. Like, if it's like, right here, fuck me, get on your knees

or whatever, it's like, no. Well, let's just, you know, let's make a plan. You know,

hopefully we'll slow it down. I'll meet you in there yeah i gotta go to the bathroom first yeah like pull the shades i don't want anybody seeing this yeah it's like uh i feel like i'm so lame in bed now that i am just like sometimes i feel bad i do feel bad for andy oh man i'm so lame well you i think like a a clip a year ago, you retired from blowjobs. Oh, yeah. You were like, I'm just never again. Yeah, there was a joke. I mean, it's a joke, but it was a decision that I had made in the middle of a blowjob

where I was like, fuck this. I'm done for the rest of my life. I'm finished. Last one. And like, you know, I will if I owe someone an apology. Babs like that one. I'm just like, if I owe an apology and I don't want to say sorry, then I'll do it. That's pretty much it.

Which is a great trade, by the way. Yeah. I'd be like, all right, I don't need the apology. Let's just do the blowing. I mean, men never want an apology anyway. They don't. I just don't believe you. Yeah.

Because all my apologies are lies. Yeah. They're definitely lying. I know you're just saying this believe you yeah because all my apologies are lies right oh my god the way andy fucking like the way he will just like phone in an apology is so obnoxious that i'm like we're gonna have a new fight oh yeah about the way that you're apologizing i 100 start new fights with my apologies yeah i'm sorry you feel that way yeah i'm sorry that i make you feel that way right you're just like oh you fucking asshole i know exactly what you're doing yeah that that is a good one like blaming like it's your look at that if that hurt your feelings and i'm sorry yeah you're like listen if you want to be a crazy bitch about it i'm sorry you're like i can't control that yeah that's up I'm sorry. I can't control that.

That's up to you. Listen, if you can't control your emotions because you're insane, then I'm sorry. That's the subtext of every apology from a man I've ever gotten. I never say that. I never do the crazy or insane blah, blah, blah. But I'll be like, what are you fucking nuts? And I think that makes it more playful. I think when you say crazy, insane, that's a little more like, what are you fucking nuts? And I think that makes it more playful. I think when you say crazy,

I'm saying, what are you, nuts? That's more sitcom-y. You're trying to make it more dad. You're trying to make it cartoon dad, but it's not. What are you, bonkos? You fucking Looney Tunes? What are you, banana sandwiches?

You banana sandwiches? I like that one a lot. Yeah. That's very good. Simply safe. Did you know that property crimes like burglaries and package thefts spike over the winter? I actually did not know that. I would have thought it was in the summer. So this is a fun fact for me to learn right now.

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that's simplysafe.com slash KFC Radio there is no safe like Simply Safe How is Andy? Is he still overseas? He's good, he's like, he was working You guys still married? What's going on? We are, we're in a long distance marriage He's back now He's back now.

Did he get hair plugs while he was over there? No. He's got a full head of hair. Yeah, he got them before that. Oh, he did? Oh, okay. We took care of the hair. I thought you were saying he didn't get them at all. I was like, what happened? It kind of felt like, I mean, he paid for

most of it, but I was like, I'll throw in. I got five on it. Let's go. Whatever you need. It kind of made me feel like I was a guy buying my girlfriend titties. I was like, ooh. Like, yeah, here you go.

I was like, I'll throw 5K in. Just fucking whatever. That is one of the most automatic. I think people still try to hide it, which is crazy, because out of all of the cosmetic upgrades you can get, I think that's a really huge pair of tips. It makes so much sense. But it's also the most recognizable.

So just say, yeah, I got hair plugs. People try to hide behind it. He talks about it all the time. But it's like, because why would you? You have a choice to go bald or not. You actually have that choice now. You can fix it now. Why the fuck would you go bald? If you have money, why would you, you have a choice to go bald or not. Like, you actually have that choice now. Right, you can fix it now, yeah. Why the fuck would you go bald?

If you have money, why would you go bald? It's a pretty, like, heavy-duty thing, though, right? Or no, am I wrong? It's pretty gnarly. Like, he went in and it was, like... Because they go, like, follicle by follicle. Yeah, they, like, plant them. They plant them in.

Does it hurt? And it hurts? He was on so many painkillers. Really? And it was so funny. It was so funny to watch him. He was like, at one point, he was like, no, those are, he was like, my precious pills. He said, my precious pills.

My precious. And I literally was like, you just said, my precious. We're dumping these. For real. This is bad. Here's the ibuprofen, dude. Yeah. Real power through that.

It made me think, though, because I was like, hanging out with somebody who's on painkillers is so lame. Like, I would never, I guess, I get why people get into them together. Because when one person is on painkillers, the other one is just like. The socks. All right, I guess I'm going to order Uber Eats again. Like, you're just trying to do anything to wake the other person up. Yeah.

It's so boring. I'll say you're just trying to do anything to wake the other person up. Yeah. It's so boring. I had a surgery when I was in college. I was down in Florida. And I had the surgery on like Saturday maybe. And like just woke up Wednesday. Yeah. I had no one. Every time I've had a surgery, every other time I've had a surgery, I was at home and my mom was like, here's one pill.

Like that kind of deal. Yeah. But this was, I just had all the pills myself. And I would just take a pill and just roll over and pass out. And I was like, to my roommates, I was like, what day is it? It's Wednesday. I've been in the class all week. I was like, okay, I should probably get rid of these.

And then when they give you the Dilaudid shit, I've only ever had Dilaudid injected into me. I've never had it. I've never had pills in it. My last big surgery, they had me on boat. They were like, you need like Percocet. And then when you're not on the Percocet, you can take Dilaudid.

And my skin like broke out in like a rash. Really? Because it was just like too much in my body. But I remember I was laying there and my back had just been operated on. And I was like scratching my hand kind of. And I was like also feeling it. You were just immediately acting like a junkie. And I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, man. I'm like scratching my skin kind of and I was like also feeling it so I didn't notice and I was like yeah I was like oh man I'm like scratching my skin until

it's like and then everything these were pills or these were injected? see I've had Dilaudid and morphine injected every two hours for like a day and I've never had that that shit's crazy when you get that when you get like a morphine injection and Harry Potter was on TV all day

I was fucking bruising I gotta do this more often I gotta get hospitalized more often it was like on like free form TV just had a Harry Potter

marathon fuck yeah I'd just hit a button I'd be like time for my fucking meds let's see what Ron gets into today

you know it's bad when you were pushing the button like it's not working like yeah cause it's only been like 35 seconds dude yeah I

there was the last surgery I had I think they had fentanyl in my shit. And I was like, this is 100% the greatest feeling I've ever had in my entire life. Really? You meet your idea of God. Like you find out what your idea of heaven is. What is yours? It's like taking a bath listening to Drake.

It's pretty simple. That's all it is. You can just do that, you know. Yeah, I could just do that. But this was wild. I was like, I was, Andy was like filming me. And it was like, we had just done IVF. And he comes in.

So when you do IVF, we were freezing our embryos. You can do it to freeze your eggs or you can do it to freeze your embryos. We were freezing embryos because I was like, let's make babies and then we can have them later if we want. So everything's fertilized and then take out? So they take your eggs out. Interesting. They fertilize it with his sperm because he's in the next room while you're getting full-blown surgery. He's just jerking it and fucking reaching climax.

That's how it should be. That's how it should be. If it's going to be that way, he should have to watch me go into surgery. He has to jerk off to that. Yeah, he has to fucking finish to that. Just make it fair. Make it hard for him to do it. But what if he could?

What if he needs me? No, that's a slow race low, girl. You got a weird kid. You get home. Then you got a weird kid on you. Then you know what kind of kid you're going to get. You know what I mean? You got a dollar coming up.

I was going to say, You have a super villain. Could you open the guts a little bit more? Push that scowl in. Push it all the way in. But like, he was, he comes in after the surgery. I literally told him, I was like, be quiet, I'm listening to Drake. And there was no music on anywhere

in the whole hospital. And I just, but I could hear it. I mean, I could hear it. It was like it was there in the room with me. It was beautiful. What did you think of Drake's necklace? What necklace? I didn't see it.

This is the best. You're going to hate this. What is it? It was called Previous Engagements. He linked up like a celebrity jeweler. So it's almost like wearable art. It's like a piece of art. It said it was called Previous Engagements.

It had 42 engagement ring diamonds from the 42 times that Drake said he almost proposed to women. He said he almost proposed 42 times. He kept all the rings? First of all, it's the most feminine necklace like you've ever seen.

It's like something Bond's girlfriend would wear. It looks like it belongs between titties. Yeah, 100%. Now, I mean, I don't think anyone believes. I mean, if there was an asshole on the planet who would maybe plan and not propose 42 times, it would be this dick. I'll be honest. But I don't think the story is really as true as...

He probably, like... I don't hate the necklace. I mean, it's a nice... It would look gorgeous on you. Yeah, I'm not sure about Drake. I don't hate the necklace either. It's got 350 fucking nice necklace. It would look gorgeous on you. Yeah, I'm not sure about Drake. I don't hate the necklace either. It's got 350 fucking carats. It's just that it looks like I would need to have a nice pair of tits in order to fucking wear it.

He's making a choice. I mean, he's making a wild choice with the fucking... I don't know how you can really make a necklace very masculine, by the way, but, like, it's going to come across. I think... I don't know. I don't hate it. Is that a weird take? No, I hate the idea of it.

I hate that Drake tells me he can't consider proposing to 42 women, which is... I haven't talked to 42 women in my life. There's no way, you know... 42 women? This guy's obviously fucked thousands of people, probably. You gotta be real wrapped up in fucking somebody to be like, I'm gonna propose to you. Does he know that you don't have to propose to fuck somebody? Especially as a famous person? You don't have to do any of this, man. They'll propose to you. Does he know that you don't have to propose to fuck somebody? Especially as a famous person?

You don't have to do any of this, man. They'll just fuck you. They'll just fuck you. But there's guys like that. There are guys like that that are like, they think you need to hear something from them. Oh, yeah. And you just want to be like, all right, relax. I don't want all that.

I mean, I've dropped an I love you before. I'm like, wish I had that one back. Yeah, you say it and you're like, oh, you were going to do this anyway. In the moment, it's like we're having sex. I love you. And I'm like, whoa, what the fuck was that? That's a wild thing. I once, the most literal booty call I've ever had. It was a... She came out of her way

to my place, 45 minutes in and out, gone. When she got there, I poured a couple glasses of wine and we were sitting on the couch and I was like... Just kind of waiting. Nora Jones was playing. She was just like,

we don't need to do this. We don't need to do any of this. Let's just go. I was like, okay. But I was like, oh, god damn. Okay. I got to step it up right now. Right.

I thought this was going to be somewhat normal. That's a woman. That's a woman. She's got a schedule to keep. That's, you know. It's so funny because you get so specific about what you want, but you're still a woman, so it's still all over the place. My experience is I'll be like,

okay, I want you to kind of boss me around, but also respect my schedule because I do have to keep a schedule. So it's like this weird, I'm like, you know what? I'll just do it myself. Let's just fucking, well, never mind. God. You know what? I'll just do it myself. Let's just fucking, well, never mind. God. You know what I mean? Like, you try to get even a little creative, and you're like, fuck it.

I'm out of energy. Back to basics. Yeah. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Unfortunately, life does not come with a user manual, so when it's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck. I think we talk about that ad nauseum. Somebody would say we talk about it too much on this show.

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Yeah, we have a new card game. Like Answer the Internet? Oh, for real? Yeah. Yeah. It's called who's the biggest asshole. So we're going to, we'll do that when we're done here. Okay.

But also we, we'd like to do a couple for the podcast. Yeah. So, all right. Oh, actually no, I'm wrong.

So that is the game. We will do that. But I, I have a couple from the internet today. Who's the biggest asshole. So, okay. You, you tell us who is the asshole in these scenarios.

Okay. Um, You tell us who is the asshole in these scenarios. Okay. My girlfriend has a collection of over 50 hoodies from other men. 19-year-old. This is one where the age really matters for multiple reasons. 19-year-old male. She's got Drake's necklace. Dating with my 19-year-old girlfriend for about four months.

She's the most amazing, beautiful, and kindest girl I've ever met with a great personality and I tied it all together. Yay! We live about five hours apart and I just moved to her city this week. So this is my first time being at her house. Everything was great and it felt amazing to finally be together and spend a lot of time together without worrying about when we'll see each other again.

However, today started off kind of rocky. She told me to get comfortable and to feel free to put my clothes in her closet for the first time. I'm staying with her family for the next two weeks. The closet is kind of big and confusing. This is to say that I wasn't snooping. So while looking for my clothes, I found a section of what I would easily say is 50, if not more, hoodies.

Very obviously men's hoodies, all neatly hung in a closed off section. That moment felt so surreal. I didn't know what to make of it. And what I was seeing, my mind went from, is she cheating to maybe she collects them? Who the fuck needs this? She kills them.

I immediately asked her about it. I wasn't angry or accusatory. I just said, Hey, what's going on with all those hoodies over there? And her explanation was that this, that this last summer, her best friend and her made a game to get as

many guys hoodies as humanly possible just for fun she said she never had anything with them and that it was for their entertainment and after i asked if she would be willing to get rid of them because it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing my girlfriend has a collection of other men's clothes in her closet she said okay and the day continued as if nothing happened now she's a really pretty girl and i have no doubt she'd have zero issue having guys give her their hoodie for whatever reason. And I don't think she had something going on with 50 guys this summer, but it kind of rubs me the wrong way.

Can't stop thinking about what happened this summer. And if she's telling me the truth, she never brought it up in the four months together. He's the asshole. Giving my hoodies now feels less special. Maybe it's just my insecurity speaking, but it feels like a hit to our relationship. Giving your hoodie feels less special? What is it, your pussy? Well, that's why I said the

age really matters in this one. When you're 19 years old, you're both 19 years old, you're both assholes, to be honest. Just by existing. You wake up every day, you're an asshole. Well, now I can't give you my hoodie. It feels less special. Shut the fuck up. Dropping the special is tough.

But if I had my girlfriend, I was like, yeah, no, I keep all my exes clothes. That's weird. So I think if you have a collection, I actually don't know what's worse. If you have like the one hoodie, because it's like the guy, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. If you keep the one special one, or you've just got fucking tons of hoodies because you're just running through dick. Right.

I mean, if you're... Wait, what's the dick to hoodie connection? That's the part where I get confused because it's like, you could get a guy's hoodie because you're drunk and you're like, give me your hoodie.

Sure, sure. But you also can fuck him and steal his hoodie. You know? So that is kind of the problem. And the one point he does make considered that yeah you fuck a guy and then you grab his hoodie like on the next but you're but you're 100 right like you're at the beach and it's like oh it's cold tonight can i have a sweaty and the way the way yeah so she says it's a game hilarious yeah so funny everybody plays that game steal hoodies from it's like the

most hoodie game it's one of those games where you're like wouldn't this be so funny everybody plays that game steal hoodies from some people it's like the most it's one of those games where you're like wouldn't this be so funny and you're like you know you think it's funny when you're 19 and then you grow up and you're like

that's the fucking lamest thing I've ever done but also if it is a game and he's never heard about this game ever and it's like I think it's because

you're fucking guys and you're not talking about it. That's crazy. That's fully insane to be like oh if you've got these it's a game where you're collecting hoodies you clearly fucked these guys. I think thinking that it's actually

a game is crazy. It's not a game. Nobody's ever played the hoodie game. No it's a dumb game but I could see it being a game to a 19 year old girl, let's see how many hoodies we get. How many guys' hats can I steal in one night? It's a very 19-year-old game. Sure. Specifically white woman

games. I would say... But like, 100%. I would say that's 20 of those guys she fucked and 30 she stole. What? There's a number. You guys she fucked and 30 she stole. What? What?

There's a number. You think she fucked 20 guys to get 20 hoodies? I think she fucked 20 guys to fuck 20 guys. That's crazy. I think these are lots of steel hoodies.

She could have fucked 20 guys, but the hoodies are not related. Oh, the hoodies are like the trophy. That's how you get in. That's the thing. That only makes sense if you're actually killing a man. There's no...

You don't fuck a guy and go like... Do you know how many guys you fuck and go, I never want to think about this again in my life? Sure. You're massively overestimating the skill level of these fucking 19-year-old dudes she's fucking. I promise you... Well, now she is a pretty girl. She's probably getting the hot guys. I promise you well now she is a pretty girl she's probably getting the hot guys

I promise you the guys she did fuck this summer she threw their hoodies in a fucking pile of fire like a fire pit I never want to think of this ever again no we won't include that hoodie I think that she fucked a lot of these hoodies these hoodies these hoodies are

at least a chunk of them. I think she balled them up and rubbed her coochie against them. She had like 10. I'd be like, yeah. 50 is too many. You're definitely stealing them. 50 is weird whether it's for sex, whether it's just a random thing

you steal. Let's give her the props she deserves. She's very good at the steal and sweatshirt game. She's great at acquiring goodies this girl is not the asshole I 100% say this guy is the asshole I mean it's hard to call him an asshole because he's 19

well that's more the thing too when you're 19 I mean when you're 19 if you find out that this girl's had sex with like one dude your mind starts to spiral but But also, even if she had fucked 50 dudes and kept their hoodies, what do you get?

Buddy, move on. You know what I mean? First of all, you lucked out. You got a woman who's 19 fucking you who's actually experienced. Lucky you. You actually know how 19... At 19, you're like

oh my god I'm telling I'm giving him a perspective that he doesn't have you're lucky if she did but I promise you she didn't if you

if you find out that your girls fuck 50 dudes basically like over the summer and you're 19 your life's over you get

like you're you're oh my god you're and it never gets, your life's over. You get insecure. Oh, my God. And it never gets better. You never get less insecure. That relationship is totally ruined, and then you're questioning everything for months after that.

And, yeah, it never really stops. I think you grow more to just accept it, but you're not always programmed to be like others. Men are insecure all the time. See, this is the problem with Mary was a perfect woman. This is the problem. This is the problem with Mary was a perfect woman. This is the problem. This is the problem with this whole line

of education. We set that net. Yes. Men expect you to be fucking perfect. It's insane. And it turns out you fuck 50 random guys.

Which makes you way better in bed. Yeah. I can't judge you because I kept all my aborted fetuses when I was 19. I was like, these are for ex-girlfriends.

What do you mean? Ghosts of Christmas. Ghosts of Christmas. Frankenstein. It's up there next to pictures of your family. This is not as much who's the asshole, but just more of a, I don't know.

What's the most disgusting secret you're hiding right now? My wife went out drinking with i don't know what's the most disgusting secret you're hiding right now my wife and i uh my wife went out drinking so not my wife and i just my wife went out drinking with co-workers and got shit-faced i had to struggle to get her inside blackout drunk crying puking it was a nightmare is that andy right uh it was a nightmare and not the first time doing this after putting her to bed i shit on the driveway next to the car door and told her she did it while drunk and told her the neighbor saw her do it she found out she found out uh she find she found it going to work the

next day she has not gone out drinking since and this was four years ago if she does drink she's now one and done he's definitively the asshole that is is brilliant. That's gaslighting. That's gaslighting right there. That is diabolical and the most effective thing I've ever seen in my life. Because if you found out you shit in the driveway, you're like, I'm on the way. You couldn't do that to me because I know who I am when I'm drinking. I wouldn't shit in the driveway.

I know it seems like he's the asshole in this one, but I'm actually going to say that she is. Really? Yeah. I'm going to like he's the asshole in this one, but I'm actually going to say that she is. Really? Yeah. I'm going to say she's the asshole in this one. Because what he did was actually really, it's really hard to get somebody to quit drinking. He did a mitzvah. If somebody loves to black out and you find a way to get them to quit drinking.

You're a hero. You're kind of a hero. Yeah. You know what I mean? He did. Yeah. He did her a favor. You think it involves shitting on the driveway yeah yeah yeah because like you know if you tell you know oh my god you were so embarrassing you you know puked in front of your boss it's like well that sucks but right i'm hitting the bottle like i'm not gonna overreact your best friend you were you called your best friend a cunt it It's like, wow, she kind of is.

You say you shit in the driveway last night. And the neighbors saw you? And the neighbors saw you. That's the real kicker. There's a Nest Cam video of you shitting in the driveway somewhere? I mean, that guy's kind of brilliant. To think of him being like, he puts her to bed and he's like, I don't want to deal with this ever again. Like, what can I do?

And then he's like, okay. But he doesn't say that she's a regular. So that's the thing. I feel like if you are shitting in the driveway, it's got to be a regular thing. You've got to be at your wits end. Because it's also weird for you to have to squat there and shit on the ground. Because your neighbor might actually see you. Yeah.

Right. Absolutely. I would Right. Absolutely. I would actually... No, I mean... We also don't know... You would hope he would just shit inside and bring it outside. We also don't know if he did this on purpose. He could have just...

It could have been just some kind of fucking emergency. Maybe he just had to shit. You know what I mean? And then he's like, wait a minute. He came up with a lie. Two birds with one stone here. Exactly. I had to shit.

I got... You think he shit inside and brought it outside? I think I would rather shit in no i'm i just don't understand his hand inside no i would i would use i would carry it with something yeah box and dump it out a bag like a doggy bag listen listen i pick up my dog shit all the time what's up if it's believable out on the street i think it's hard to shit it has to be in the middle of the driveway it's got to be no yeah but but then but you just put it there because i'm thinking about the logistics.

But then you're changing the shape of it. That's true. I think if you were to go CSI on it, you would find the splatter. The splatter chart. It's like when a dead body's moved. There's no blood splatter. Right. They were killed somewhere else. They would know. This body's been moved there. But that's only if you get

really intense. If someone says you guys are so shit-based you shit the driveway, and then you go out there and you're like, nah, nah, the angle's not right. You gotta step over a shit to get into your car. I'm just thinking, I think shitting on the ground. I've never shit on the ground. That seems hard to me. Without like shitting on your own, like the back of your heel or something.

Yeah, I've never shit on the ground. Do you have oh yeah yeah where like my parents sent me to outward bound and when i was in high school yeah they that that's a little bit different if you're like stuck in the woods you're like camping and you gotta sit in the ground yeah do you just uh horrible you look like you're like it's horrible. It's like a thousand yard stare. Oh my God.

I just remembered it. It was so bad. I tried to fake a PTSD. I literally tried to fake a broken ankle, which is something you cannot fake. I tried to fake an impossible injury. Like I was like the only, you could be like my arms broken and just like, Holy. Yeah, no, it was like, I was like, oh like oh my ankle's broken and they were like no it's not it's not broken

it doesn't look broken it's not broken and I was like it's broken guys I can't hike today we have to stay here like I was trying all kinds of shit the amount of injuries I tried to there was somewhere you could shit there? no because I was just sick of walking

every day like you have to walk all day I thought this was related to the shitting no this wasn't related to the shitting this was just like I hate hiking somebody's got to airlift me out of here I gotta go they were probably sitting around going we're at outward bounds like no that's what we're here

to do I was like but people get hurt and they have to be airlifted out and i'm telling you i'm hurt and they're like we're not getting a helicopter for you like this is a fucking it's like a non-profit organization we're not flying you out in a fucking chopper the minute that i would have yeah if i'm shitting in the woods i'm gone it was bad you have to like dig a hole and then you have to... It's just so humiliating, and you're like, this is all because I fucking can't stop skipping class. I'm like, what the fuck?

That's the true punishment to get you back on the right path. That's what it was. I was like, this doesn't even make sense. I don't even want to... I could come out of this not even knowing how to reenter society, let alone go to school.

What is the point of this punishment did you do like the asian squat because again the logistics of what bothers me i'd rather just shit normally and like grab a bag and take it out there i don't even know what the asian squat is and i don't know if we're allowed to say that you've never seen like asians on like they when they take a break uh from like work they're just on the corner squatting and smoking cigs? No. Oh, really?

No. It's a thing. It's actually hard. I can't do it. Okay, let me see it. Let me see it. It's like a catcher's stance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's not. It's probably the right way to say it. A catcher's stance is like that on your toe. Yeah, right. They can go like this. Oh, they got the... Oh, super flexible hip. So I put...

I got my arms out to balance. Well, you are supposed to shit like that. That's what squatty potties are. Yeah. So I put Asian S in the Google search and it filled out Asian squat. Oh, no. It's like that. Oh, no. It's like that.

Oh, no. Well, it's on Quora. That can't be right. It says, why can't everyone do the Asian squat? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I mean, well, no, no, no. You do squat. You squat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the way down. Yeah. Dude, there's an article in The Atlantic called, What is the Asian squat and why can't everyone do it? It's totally okay. Why can't everyone do The Atlantic? So it was like this.

Yes, so you were doing the Asian squat. I would shit like this. That's the Asian squat. That's terrible, though. Yeah, and then you get up, and you grab your fucking shovel, and you cover it up so a bear doesn't come along and feel threatened. Did you have toilet paper? Oh, no.

You have to use leaves and stuff when you're not. It's fucked up. It's a fucked up place. That's humiliating. I had a buddy who had to shit so often in public. Tell me he brought his own toilet paper. No, he would wear two pairs of socks everywhere he went. Oh, no.

That's crazy. That's crazy. Once again, don't worry, he's dead. Same one. Honestly. Is this the same guy? Same guy. What a legend.

I'm almost happy he's out of society now. Legend of a man. He wore two pairs of socks fucking everywhere. Like all the time. I've given everyone I love every story they could ever possibly need. I'm out. Could you imagine like you take your shoe

off and you just put it on like Mr. Socko. Yeah, you just have like a Winnie the Pooh stump kind of. That's wild. And then when you throw it in the garbage. You can't flush it. You are carrying a shit covered sock everywhere. How when you throw it in the garbage. You just throw it. You can't flush it. Oh, man. You are carrying a shit-covered sock everywhere.

How do you get out of the restaurant? Also, why can't you just find a bathroom? Where did you live? It was when we lived in Newport in Rhode Island, and we would always be out at the beach, or we'd be out cliff jumping. We'd be out a lot. So I don't know if he did it when we were at school.

I don't know if he was wearing too many socks. He went out for the day. He went out for the day. He was like, let me just bring this in case. Has anybody seen my shit socks? I got my foot socks out. Where are my shit socks? Jesus. Buying specific ones at Target.

I need the two. Moisture wicking. You can say you turn a sock inside out. It's fucking nice to... I can see that better than one ply. Yeah, real furry inside. It's not like Scott one ply, whatever. That fucking punishment. The Charmin Bears wish there could be

a Nike dry fit. That's great. That's fucking great. Chrissy two socks. That's what I would's fucking great. Chrissy Two Socks. That's what I would call that guy. Yeah. Let's run some voicemails. We got a couple videos.

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take advantage of the 50% off site-wide, plus use code KFC at checkout to get that extra 40 bucks off your order. Minimum order may be required. Look at these guys. Just three versions of the same dude. This is a particularly good bunch here.

This is homeboy on the right. On the left is my guy. Hell yeah. What's going on, guys? So, unfortunately, this weekend, my dad drove me. I drove to the airport. My dad drove my car back from the airport. And on the Taconic State Parkway that he was driving on,

Kevin's probably familiar with it, he crashed my car and totaled it on his way back. It was, like, really shitty conditions on Friday. I thought he was about to say, Yeah, dude, me too. I was really... Which sucks, because I'm 23 years old. I can't really shitty conditions on Friday. I thought he was about to say. Yeah, dude, me too. I was really. Sucks because I'm 23 years old. I can't really afford a new car.

Well, he's got fixed. But the really shitty part is that the insurance agent and adjuster that I have is my ex-girlfriend's father who just absolutely can't stand me. So I was kind of just wondering, like, have you guys ever been in a financial situation that completely like rests in the hands of somebody who just doesn't like you and you could completely get fucked over kevin i'd say maybe perhaps there's a strong chance yes i'd say there's a there's a strong chance. Yes. I'd say there's a 10% chance of definitely. Holy cow, that is a question from a guy not even considering the idea of divorce. Millions of people have gone through this, dude. Have you ever had your financial future

rest in the hands of someone who hates you yes this will be the first time of many my friend perfect god what what a what a weird first of all i mean if i was ever driving my kid's car and i totaled it i would take care of it i feel like that's your fault yeah all right i guess first of all, if I was ever driving my kid's car and I totaled it, I would take care of it, I feel like. That's your fault. Yeah. First of all, this is why insurance exists. But when you sign up for insurance, you don't sign up with a specific person, right? Yeah, there are versions of anyone driving here.

Oh, no, no. Is it just shitty luck that he got paired with his ex-girlfriend's dad? To me, it seems like you could easily ask for someone else. This guy's going to have some bias here. Yeah. If you go to court, you're like, I fucked the judge's wife. They're going to be like, yeah, that's not. Can we get a new one?

That'd be great. Also, if this is the role I'm thinking of where they send someone out, your ex's dad has a shitty job. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if, if he's like the, the,

like the, the, in the boardroom of Geico, it's one thing. If he's like out there with a clipboard, like, I think you can call the insurance company and be like, Hey,

this is going to be a problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's a boy. That's, that's easy to, you could,

you can fix that. Have you, have you had a situation? Me? Like anything where, where somebody who hates you's money? My mom had my money for a while. She fucking hates me.

My mom was in control of my money for a long time. Yeah. But you don't hate her. She's cool. No, no, no. Yeah, I'm kidding. I mean, any relationship that shares money wholly and totally, you're going to have, people will answer yes to that.

She still is. I don't care if you are in like a great relationship. If you don't have control of your own money and there's like every time you buy a pair of shoes or a bag or a jacket or. Somebody's got something to say about it. It's like, oh, another like box showed up or like, oh, how much does that cost? Like, shut the fuck up. Right. Like, let me enjoy this.

Yeah. Do you share accounts um we have one shared account and then we both have separate that's the answer you have your own and then you have one and we just don't touch it for a house or whatever you need to save for you put money into it for whatever right pay for a wedding blah blah but like you don't see my paychecks you don't like control that yeah i mean i guess if you you become a homemaker and all that shit, blah, blah, blah. Right. But if you're both working, fuck that noise. I had a friend in college who,

I think we were sophomores, maybe juniors in college, juniors, I think, who him and his girlfriend, who were fairly- In college? Yeah, fairly new, created a joint account. Oh, my God. Not only did they create a joint account, they got the personalized debit cards

with their picture on the back. That's insane. I hope that those people get mauled by a bear while shitting in the woods. Dude, they broke up before we left college. Right. Of course. By the end of the week. I remember we got in a fight once where it was just like, we were in college, right?

And it was like, we were going away, and I think we were renting a house or whatever. I forget what it was, but it was basically like, we're going to split the things up five ways. And he's like, well, there's only four of us going. Because he thought of them as a couple. Yeah, I was like, yeah, but at that age, we were too young. Now, everywhere I go, couples pay in couple terms. Yeah, it's like, well, there's two humans who will be eating. And two humans who will be eating.

And it was like, dude, I thought y'all were gentlemen. It's like, ah, you thought wrong, bro. You met me, right? Right. I'm not a fucking gentleman. We had like a big blowout fight. Yeah, no, no. It's like you should be a gentleman to the girl you're dating and you pay twice as much.

Right, right. Exactly. I was like, I don't care. You're the gentleman. I don't have to be her money. I would be a gentleman if I brought a girl along and I would pay for her shit. Yeah. You guys aren't the gentleman for my girl.

I mean, I want to say it's great for both people to pay, but I'm not going to fucking argue with this. This is awesome. AKFC fights, guys. What's up? So I'm listening to that episode about you guys, about the dip, and I was just thinking about in college, or when I pretended to go to college, we had this one house that we would go to, and they just spit dip

on their carpet. And I just said, oh, I'll clean it up later. Oh my god. Because it was a crunchy fucking carpet. But what's the grossest house or place you guys went when you were in college or school or whatever? This guy spit so many times during the course of this video.

A couple weeks ago, Pat spilled his dip spit cup. Oh! Woof! It landed on her. No! Oh my god! Did she quit? She should have.

That's why she's not here. That is the most repulsive thing I can think of. Yeah, that's fucking disgusting. If you don't dip, the dip bottle is like... If you do dip, you're like, what are you talking about? This is my saliva bucket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, what?

The fuck you... But to just on the ground is fucking wild. I still remember, like it still gives me like a gag reflex. I woke up so hungover one morning in college. I took a fucking sip out of somebody's. I was like, oh my God, I've never tasted anything that bad in my fucking life. I was like, I think I gotta kill myself. It feels like a rat ran over my foot.

I thought it was fucking disgusting. I dipped for like 15, 20 years. I started when I was 14. I quit like two years ago. So yeah, almost 20 years. Right? Over 20 years. No. If I was 14, I'm 34 now. So like 18 years. I dipped for a long

time. I had a lot of accidents a lot of like times where I'm driving I had a water bottle one ulcer a dip spit in the other so I've said I've drank a lot of dip spit my it's so bad it is so bad right it's like oh it's warm it's thick it's thick it feels like you fucking swallowed somebody's like somebody's like secretions yeah I mean well because you did swallowed somebody's secretions. Well, because you did. It's like thicker than water. But I had one summer where we rented a house in Newport again,

and we had a buddy, I told this story before, where he would fucking jerk off in bed. But he would just fucking roll over his cum on the floor and then he wouldn't clean it up. So then the cum would attract dust and dirt. So it would turn into black splotches on the floor.

That's what that is? And he never ever cleaned it up. I say that like it's all over my apartment. That's how you guys find out. That's what Andy does. And he came like everywhere. So like it looked like the floor of his bedroom was like dirt because it was just –

That's fucking so gross. And then one day when he was at work, we decided to make – like, we turned his room into the jungle. We made a paper mache tree, because it looked like dirt. So we made a paper mache tree, like this huge tree that had leaves that extended over to the ceiling fan. That's so creative of you guys. And then we just played Welcome to the Jungle, or

maybe it was Africa Toto. And it was one of those two, and we just had that on loop in his room, and he came home, when we were thinking, like, there would be like a, here's the sign, bro, time to clean up. And he was one of those two. And we just had that on loop in his room. And he came home. When we were thinking, like, there would be, like, a, here's the sign, bro. Time to clean up. Yeah. And he was like, this is sick! Yeah.

I mean, obviously, you guys built a set around him. I'm on Survivor all the time. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to be like, this is fucking so cool. He left it up the whole time. You think the guy who fucking jizzes on the floor and leaves it is going to walk in and have a fucking come to Jesus moment?

That guy is, he left the fucking planet already. There's no coming back from that. If you are rolling over, jizzing on the floor and leaving it to collect debris, I'm going to go out on a limb and say, like, you stopped giving a fuck. You're irredeemable. You really are. You're, like, unfixable, though. You're irredeemable. You really are. You're like unfixable. Yeah.

Just be the floor comer. Yeah. I mean, that is a horse of a different color. Okay? What was the question? I guess what's the grossest house you've ever been in? That one took my – That was pretty gross.

That's fucking wild. I mean, I've been in the regular gross college places. Yeah. Although I do remember I was at a rugby party, and all the rugby guys were just juiced out fucking roid freaks. Nice. Sexy. I remember they had a lot of rats and mice and shit,

and this guy took a mouse, and he caught a mouse, and he put it in a fucking Ziploc bag and he threw it against the wall like 100 miles an hour. Oh my God! And I was like, I'm leaving. I left that party.

That was my response to that. I was like, I'm leaving. I will do nothing else about this. You guys can keep doing like, you know, mice splatting. That's disgusting. But I'm fucking out of here. Yeah.

I mean, I've been to like frat houses and shit like that where like I go in and doing, like, you know, mice splatting. That's disgusting. But I'm fucking out of here. Yeah. I don't, I mean, I've been to, like, frat houses and shit like that where, like, I go in and I'm like, I never, like, enjoyed partying in a place like that, though. Yeah. Because it always just felt like I might as well be doing heroin. Right. Yeah, you're like in a den. Yeah. This just feels gross. I mean, I've been at parties where there's cans everywhere and shit, but, like, whatever.

That's just, like, being a young, dumb college kid. Yeah. It's the next level of gross. It's when you go and the fucking sink's been ripped out of the wall and you're like, who even got drunk? Am I in a third world country? Right. What is this? When I was 22, 23, I lived in this dilapidated building, like a legit condemned building in South Boston.

Yeah. And it was like, like I fucking, we couldn't shower. I had to join a gym to take showers. So it was like basically my friend's uncle owned it.

He was going to knock it down, but it was cheaper for insurance if we lived there until we knocked it down. So he was letting us, I mean, we made like hundreds of dollars a month.

We didn't make money. Right. So it was like, it was cheaper. He charges a very cheap rent. So like, all right, perfect.

We live in Boston and in this dog shit building but like the pipes didn't work but like the shower was full of water from whenever the last tenant was and it was like moldy things like floating in the water

yeah any kind of moldy bathroom if there's like a fucking shower curtain that you can smell I'm like bleh there was one time where we had a we were having a party and it was like – it was a drug-fueled party. Right. It was like people were doing coke off mirrors while we held their legs up, like handstands. For no reason.

We thought it went to your head better or something like that. I don't know. It like works not as good. I was going to say that. It almost seems like the opposite. Yeah. And then like some girl was like, oh, I didn't realize you guys had a cat because she saw it run across the kitchen and it wasn't a cat. It was just this massive rat.

And then we got so scared that we fucking sealed off the kitchen. But before we did that, we took the fridge out and put it in the living room and then sealed off the kitchen. Holy shit. And my bedroom was in the back of the kitchen. I just never went back there ever again. So that was a bad apartment too. That's really bad. My first apartment when I moved to New York was real bad too.

I moved in with my ex who lived with his metal band. And it was him and his bandmates. And then I moved in, and it was just debauchery. It was disgusting we like we every time we we never paid a bill we fucking never paid a bill and we run the fucking electric from upstairs where like their other music friends lived we would just run a fucking cord from their electricity down to our house yeah like and through the window of our kitchen and we just had a standing like a floor lamp on the kitchen counter and we would just use that as like the light for the entire apartment in a railroad apartment.

So we just leave the doors wide open so that hopefully that light would reach the other side of the building. And if it didn't, we would run the same kind of cord from our floor on the first floor up to the third. It was nuts. It was nuts. It was nuts. The good old days. My first New York apartment had the fucking, the toilet wasn't in the bathroom.

Yeah, of course. So the toilet was in my closet. Why would it be? In my bedroom. Oh yeah, that makes sense. Naturally. So like my roommate would have to like come like,

basically jump in my bed in the morning to like take a piss and he was a drug dealer. Yeah. And it was like a fucking. Well, they all are. We all lived with a drug dealer at some point, all right?

There was one time. What was his name? Mine was Max. I'm still friends with mine, so I'm not going to say his name. Oh, yeah. He's still my drug dealer. But we had one time where he left the window open in the bathroom because it was in the closet.

I remember I blogged this. I took pictures and blogged blogged it pre-dev now so it's not up anymore but a fucking pigeon came in of course and and just started flying around shit in everywhere yeah dude and like so like i i was watching tv in the living room i got like slammed my bedroom door shut so i couldn't come out. I just heard like, fly around. I was like, it's got to leave soon, right? The pigeon owns this room now. I went back to my bedroom and just fucking feathers and shit everywhere.

That's crazy. That would happen to you if some flying animal gets stuck in your apartment. It's like, that is the perfect thing to happen to you. See if you can find that vlog. It was on Barstool New York way, way stuck in your apartment. It's like that is the perfect thing to happen to you. See if you can find that vlog. It was on Barstool New York way, way back in the day.

You slamming the door on a flying bird. It's so flying. It's like, no! No! All right, it's gone. That problem is taken. I'm a big out of sight, out of mind guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, I'm never going to deal with this ever. I slept on the couch for like three months. months yeah of course i gotta clean those sheets i would do that too when i first moved to new york the rats and the pigeons just run your shit it's crazy just the fucking squalor you're willing to live in in your 20s you just you don't even think about it you just go this is fine right whatever people you're having sex with people you're like like you're on dates you're like you know what i mean like you're having sex with people. You're like, like you're on dates. You're like, you know what I mean?

Like you're bringing people over and they're like, yeah, I'll just like sleep on your mattress while the pigeons fly around or whatever. And you're having like pretty much the most disappointing sex of your life. If you're a woman, you're just having the worst.

Yeah. A pigeon just shit in this bed. All your twenties are just, you're like, Oh no. Like I've had to ask men to clean their toilets before I could use them. You know what I mean?

That's the kind of. God damn. That is fucking low, man. Yeah. Yep. All right. You want to do who's the biggest asshole? Absolutely.

I can do the rundown. You can run with her? Okay. So tell the people what you're doing these days and what you're. So, yeah, I'm going to go back on tour. Oh, hell yeah. I'm going back on tour starting December 29th. and there's a bunch of cities that are on my website uh rosebudbaker.com and a bunch of cities that are going to be added and if you can make it to

any of those shows please come out it's definitely like uh st louis i'm gonna be in st louis over new years it's to be fun. New Year's, literally on New Year's? On New Year's and from the 29th through the 31st. It's always a good... The club has it weird where it's like my dates are on... It's like the 29th and 30th are on one page and then the 31st is like built on a second page. It's a good idea for New Year's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like bringing it in. I like doing what I love on New Year's Eve up until the point where I have to count down from 10 in the middle of a bit. But yeah, it's going to be a fun show and Blair Saki's going to be there with me and then I have a bunch of other dates

so check my website and definitely come out to those. Awesome. Thank you, girl. Awesome, thank you. Thank thank you thank you fun guys សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.