KFC Radio - Rosebud Baker, Brian Austin Green, Jake Paul V Conor McGregor, and We Were Right About Doming

Episode Date: December 17, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a review! -The US Goverment considered Doming to fight coronavirus -Jake Paul is going to taunt Conor McGregor into a fight -AITA Thursday -Voicemails Rosebud Baker returns to the show. We talk about thriving in the year 2020, disturbing things we've seen in New York City, one of the strangest private stand up shows she's ever done (that involves a death), and more. (01:58:00) Brian Austin Green returns to the show. We discuss his new as a judge on The Masked Dancer, how he got involved from The Masked Singer, play Answer the Internet, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @RosebudBaker @withBAGpod Subscribe to our youtube for daily clips: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. That's the most disturbing fucking thing I've seen in a long time dude it's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network we got Johnny at home, me in the office, we're testing out Skype or Zoom to make sure that John's internet can handle it for our live show tomorrow night, which you will be able to watch. It'll be like a replay, right?

You can rewatch it. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, available right now. The KFC radio presents a very barstool Christmas special is out right now. So when you're done listening to this podcast, you can go watch our Christmas special. But at the last minute, we did an interview from john's apartment and he and his internet cut out halfway through it i was like oh fuck we didn't even test your internet yet so we're doing that

right now hopefully it holds up i did a speed test yesterday it should hold up uh but that made me very nervous during the interview yeah so we'll see if it's got the legs also nick though we should just like bring that they have an extra wi-fi at the office like just bring that spot yeah i like i plan on we're gonna need all the backup we can get uh john's also at his apartment right now because he participated in what i'm going to assume was your first ever sexy pin-up calendar shoot? Yeah. Probably sexy pin-up.

I've done a little light modeling back in the day, Kevin. Oh, shit. It was literally one time, and the reason they had me do it is because my hotter friend couldn't make it. It was like, oh, wait, John's with you too, right? They were like, yeah, does he want to come do it? It was like it was like oh wait john's with you too right and they were like yeah

like this you want to come do it it was like uh i did it i did it i was part of a fashion show or um fuck is it the tennis hall of fame in newport and uh it was i can't remember that you wouldn't know the clothing brand if you saw it because it's like what like the girls wear that it just like looks ridiculous. Like I feel like girls have like a big overnight bag by this. Lily Pulitzer. That's exactly. Yeah, it is. When that got popular, I want to say like 2010-ish because I remember going to the Hamptons around then when every girl had the bags and the bathing suits.

I was like, these are fucking disgusting. This looks like what like your 65-year-old grandma would would want all like the young hot girls were rocking it was ridiculous and i i was in a i i walked in a fashion show for them with ms rhode island hey because they don't really make men's clothes it was just i was gonna say well yeah i think i had to get all my own my own other clothes um but that's my my one brief foray well well now now you can add another one to the resume let me tell you something it the picture i got john sexted me john sexted me a photo folks and his words were he said obscene i mean it was obscene you right you right it was obscene obscene and it doesn't even it doesn't even scratch the surface of how obscene it got.

Oh, God. Were you fully nude? No, no, no. Okay. That's a little inside baseball. I had these shorts on just like rolled up. Okay. Oh, look how pale those thighs were.

Those things were out. Those things were out for the world to see. Yuck. But the people taking the pictures, I'm not going to say who it was. The folks taking the pictures were like, I mean, I don't want to put words in their mouths, cussing themselves. They were like, oh, my God, you are such a natural. This is actually kind of sexy.

This is good. There was a whole artistic vision behind it. It wanted to look like I overdosed in the tub on sour patch kids so i was doing like rock star poses and it was it was really hard to take myself seriously but they were doing a real good job i was gonna say i was gonna say you were laughing at yourself but you were getting your machine gun kelly on you were like you were you were posing you were getting you were getting uh getting passionate about it i can tell i know what you were doing angle you were, you were posing, you were getting, you were getting, uh, getting passionate about it. I can tell.

I know what you were doing. Yeah. I can tell you like how to angle my head back. Cause I like. Uh, bit into it. Yeah, buddy. So it hit like, you like stretched and stuff. I mean, there were a few times I threw, like, I think I'm making a sexy face.

I was, uh, originally supposed to be a part of it. And then this week for me, I'm suffering what every other American family suffered the first part of the pandemic. I remember talking about like, oh, yeah, it sucks because you got to be a full time parent and a full time worker. But I was lucky enough that my nanny was like gravy the whole time. So I never really had any problems. This is the first week now. My nanny's not able to watch the kids so we're doing both uh it's fucking impossible like i don't know i know people were making a big stink about it they weren't making a big enough stink it's it's insanity it's nuts trying to do both it's like my days are just

packed jam-packed front to back so i was able to use that as an excuse but when i told liz i was like listen straight i don't have the time but also i don't want to do this that's like everybody else is gonna have fun doing this and my toxic ass fan base is going to like mercilessly make fun of me and it's and i'm gonna be insecure about it and i'm gonna hate it so i'm not doing it anymore the whole time i was like okay i'll do it and then i was like wow this is really happening i guess i'll do it and then she really was like okay it's time to schedule it i was like fuck i guess i have to do this and i was like no no i do not i'm not doing this i don't want to do this anymore so you'll get john's sexy pose and and a bunch others uh and that'll

be out soon also forget about that calendar. This is the only calendar you need right here on sale right now. The KFC Radio quote and question calendar of the day, 2021 calendar. There's also a maze in there. Oh, yeah? What's the – National Babysitter's Day, there's a maze. National Babysitter's Day is a maze a maze. National Babysitter's Day is a maze you gotta escape from.

That's funny. We've got... Oh, there it is. We've got... Help Fights Babysitter Escape the Basement. But it's 2021 calendar. On the front is a One Thing I i learned cartoon picture of both of us and it's got all of our best out of context quotes a lot of our best answer the internet

questions uh all throughout the year i was nervous about this because sometimes you think something's a great idea and then it just kind of flops yeah well whatever yeah and then we had a bunch in the office and they were just like eight people sitting around just laughing on their own, laughing out loud and being like, Oh, look at this one. Well, the show is funny, but out of context, it's fucking outrageous. And even like, you know, just think about how you start your day, right? You know, they say to like, start your day, making your bed. So you've accomplished something. I say, start your day off with a laugh.

So you wake up, you roll over, it's August 3rd and you pop open, you wipe your eyes, you look at it. What would you trade a three-year-old baby for? Let's go. You're starting your day on a high. Or, you know, August 4th, self-cleaning vaginas. The vagina cleans itself? When does it happen? Do you have two periods a month?

Is it like this is my cleaning period and this is my baby period? Boy, if you miss one of those from fights. I mean, these things out of context are just absolutely spectacular. And so if you're a fan, you probably remember some of these quotes. If not, sure. August 27th. Homeless woman just puked right at my feet on 7th Avenue. She let out an audible gag and spit a mouthful of pea soup puke right on the sidewalk. I started laughing, and the guy next to me just said,

Gotta love NYC. I said, Concrete jungle where all our dreams are made of, and all three of us went about our day. You start your day on highs like this. You start your day on out of context moments, questions, comments. That's a nice one, too, because it's just like, Hey, the worst thing that happens

to you today it's not gonna be that bad like yeah not as bad as this march 29th john feidelberg on confidence i've only gone skinny dipping once in my life and she just didn't hook up with me afterwards just a lot of great like you know confucius quotes and and fortune cookie quotes and questions so uh available at the barstool sports store right now you can go order the uh 2021 quote calendar of the year um it's brought to you by 3g 3g is uh the industry leader in the delta 8 thc products world they were all all the products were formulated by a biochemist. And that, I mean, I fucking believe that because it's magic. It's science, but it's magic.

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You have all the euphoria, the buzz, and none of the bad. You know what's nice about this too? It's nice to see biochemists getting some positive shine. Yeah. They're always the bad guys. Yeah. Biochemists went rogue. No, a biochemist, he's just making some good 3G.

And I like, you know, there's probably some biochemists who were doing like Wuhan labs and shit. And then there was some who were like, I'm going to just come over here and make the world a nice, happier place. You know? That's one of my favorite jokes. I don't even remember who. Oh, I think it's John Mulaney, actually, when he's talking about a seedless watermelon.

Yeah, yeah. And he's like, some scientists were like, we're going to get cancer. Other scientists were like, all right, this has got to Yeah. He's like, some scientists were like, we're going to get cancer. Other scientists were like, all right, this has got to stop. It's true though. You know, you need the little things in life too.

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feeling loosey goosey but you're still far more active and outgoing you have confidence you don't just become like a couch potato so it's really truly the best of both worlds it's like one of those things you know if it's too good to be true it's three chi what a fucking slogan that is huh so go to threechi.com the number three chi.com and use the promo code radio and you'll get five percent off your order it must be 21 to purchase so you know that's the good shit delta eight vapes gummies

tinctures and oils that's threechi.com promo code radio for five percent off must be 21 to purchase, so you know that's the good shit. Delta-8 vapes, gummies, tinctures, and oils. That's 3chi.com. Promo code radio for 5% off. Must be 21 to purchase. We are basically biochemists and scientists as far as I'm concerned. Never. Honestly, I don't even want a we because that wasn't my idea. That's a Kevin Clancy original thing. Well, you know, I'm flattered and I'm honored, but we workshopped that here't my idea. That's, that's a Kevin. You know, I I'm, I'm flattered and I'm honored,

but we workshopped that here in this spot. We talked about this, this idea. And so we all get credit here. It's, you know, it's a team effort, teamwork to make the dream work, but never have I felt more vindicated than with my doming idea. Now, if you've, if you're a listener of the podcast, we, we are proponents of doming for all disasters and all problems. You've got a wildfire that we can't seem to put out. That's where it started was the wildfires, because it blows my mind that in the year of our Lord, 2020, we can't put out fires. And I know they're big and I know they're hot, but I figured, you know,

we know how to put out fires, water, oxygen. We can do it. Can't do it though. So I said, why don't we just get a fucking giant dome, pick it up with some helicopters, fly it over the fire, drop it over, snuff it out. And then we thought about, you know, we could drop it over hurricanes. We can drop it over cities that need protection.

We can drop it over all sorts of shit. And some people laughed. Some snobs laughed. Most people went... Some people thought it was a joke. Some people thought we were joking. And then you know what a lot of people did, though? A lot of people went like this. Huh. You know.

Not the worst idea I've heard. Not the worst idea. It was like almost Trump-esque. When Trump asked about hurricanes, he's like, what if we nuked them? And it's ridiculous, but have we tried it? Have you seen the gentleman in, I want to say West Virginia, but I might be saying that because I just said that a minute ago in conversation. He created a weather gun, a cannon this was in jersey jersey even better that's right nearby this guy created this cannon from like homemade scrap metal that would blast

these rings it looked like smoke rings it looked like if you're puffing a cigar or a blunt and you blow smoke rings but gigantic that he would blast at clouds in the sky and that would break them apart. This guy can control the weather, apparently making, you know, and with like, like I said, scrap metal off the heap. Imagine if you get like, you know, a real laboratory and real minds behind it. This guy apparently created a weather cannon, and I don't know if it's real or not, but I watched him fire that thing off, and I was like, you know, it's worth looking into, as is doming. Which is actually – that one in particular upset me because it's like – it's an idea I should have had because I had a gun like this as a kid.

I feel like a lot of people did. It was like this – almost a megaphone-looking thing. And then you pulled it back, and it had kind of like bungee cords maybe. And you pulled back, and it had all like a plastic wrap that came with it. And then you just let it go, and it just shot bursts of air. Yes, yes. That would get a person to leave the room pretty quick. Real fucking fast.

It makes sense that it would apply as well to clouds and things of that nature. I mean, you know, clouds, they seem like they're easy enough to break up, you know, just puff.

If you blow hard enough, it's probably going to go away. So off of air room. Yeah. So, uh, if, if weather cannons can be a thing, and so maybe too can doming and this tiktok goes

viral with this kid uh who's showing these schematics behind him and says if you google operation total enclosure at the beginning of the pandemic the united states was considering putting a gigantic dome over the United States of America. Now, obviously they didn't do it. Maybe we should have because, you know, they probably said we don't need to put the dome over. We'll just ask people to wear surgical masks over their face and that'll take

care of it. And nobody fucking did that. So maybe we should have done doming, but it was most certainly on the table and I guarantee it would have worked better than the fucking approach we took this way so doming is very real and very possible I think here's the thing though

I think that this doming situation is a little too big right? Yeah. Because like we talked about with America where it's just too big because I think if they put a dome on around America to start this pandemic, when they lifted that dome, every other country would have been like, what?

Put it back on. Put it back on. But it would have been chaos in here. It would have been fucking anarchy in the street. Lord of the flies type shit. How people responded to just being asked to wear a mask. Right. Fucking losing their minds. lies type shit people people how people responded to just being asked to wear a mask right fucking lose like losing their mom if it was just like hey just so you guys know you're all on house

arrest i mean it's an entire country's worth of house arrests but you're under house arrest well you know what you're taking my freedom yeah well china essentially they didn't do one giant giant dome they just did individual domes they just domed everybody's house and just sealed you up. And everyone's like, oh, how come they can have, like, rave parties in Wuhan? It's like, well, because they were literally welded into their apartments for six months. So I don't think that would have gone well when, once again, we couldn't even ask you to wear a mask. So they went. It wasn't like in, like, the movies.

It's like when they turn on the light in, a cockroach infested room and like everything starts scattering. Yeah. It turned on the light by taking off the dome. Put it back on. Put it back on. Never mind. Fuck this. I mean, I think we should.

You're right. It's too big. But if they were just like, all right, New York's getting domed like the hot spots were getting domed. We like the middle of the country off, whatever. You know, most people were kind of staying put anyway. Give them a deadline. You get out at a certain time. And then otherwise you're just under the dome for the next six weeks or whatever.

Yeah. Well, that's all you ever need is that you just need a light at the end of the time. You're like, look, we're domed in six weeks. Okay. We doming, baby. We be doming. It's a great idea. I also, another great idea is this Jake Paul,

Conor McGregor pay-per-view. I think people need to understand something. That you don't need to like everything or everybody in life for something to exist or thrive or happen. Like, you don't have to like Jake Paul to want to, like, you should still want to see this pay-per-view happen. You know? Yeah. Like, people. If you don't like Jake Paul, you should want to see it even more. That's what I'm saying.

Like, you don't. People are saying, why do we give this guy attention? Why are we even saying his name? And it's like, cause it's fucking awesome. It's, I don't like him. I'm not rooting for him, but it's awesome that this is happening. And he's the heel and playing the villain to make it happen. So you can, um, you could like support someone without supporting someone,

you know, you don't have to, you don't have to want him to like fail, uh, to, to not, you know what I mean? I'm not articulating it,

but it's like, I think he's an asshole, but the world needs assholes. Not everyone can be a face. Not everyone can be a hero. Not everyone can be the good guy. The world needs bad guys too. And right now he's the greatest bad guy in the world. It's like your favorite villain in wrestling, except it's real life, and he's actually just that big of an asshole. And also, if you objectively look at both Logan Paul and Floyd and Jake Paul and potentially Conor, the two people being made to be villains in both of these stories

aren't really the villains. Bro! It's insanity! They've both been stupid 20-year-olds. I think Logan has done a complete turnaround. I think he's a very interesting, cool guy now. Jake hasn't swayed me, but I haven't

spoken to Jake. I'm pretty friendly with Logan now, so obviously I'm quite biased. But the other two have been to court for abusing people, beating people. I mean, Connor, I don't think Connor's the least bit. There's been a lot of accusations, yeah. Yeah. But we saw the video of the old men in the bar.

That's why that Jake Paul shit-talking video took a couple shots in the beginning that we're like, this is good. I'll be honest. Also, that one, I didn't care. I think a punch in a bar is like – That's fair game. It was just like a little fucking – it was more of a snuff than a punch. And it was just like, look, if you're at a bar talking shit, you might get snuffed once. That happens at that bar to that guy probably like six or seven times a week you know johnny got punched again like yeah whatever man people were

mad because the guy had gray hair but like i don't know i imagine that dude's taking a couple of fucking punches and probably deserved it you know what i mean but yeah i the uh you know i i told i told bob fox that logan paul is is my Dana White to him. I just want to talk to Logan. I'm a fan of Logan. I'm open about my bias, and I want him to succeed the same way that Bob Fox just loves Dana White, and he's not there to press him or whatever. And Bob was like, ooh, really? Yuck.

No thanks. I will be rooting for Floyd in that fight. I'm like, are you fucking serious man like a guy who's like beat his wife before and is like a noted piece of shit because you just don't like the like the cocky youtube kid and and and jake i understand more i think if you don't like logan you are just a true you either a like don't know like the full story which a lot of people don't and b you're just like a true hater it's just like you don't like that a kid much younger than you has a lot more money than you and a lot more success and i think that bleeds in to like you your personal bias and your personal feelings jake i think you have more of a leg to stand on

because he just always presents himself as a total asshole but to be like we just you know like stop giving him attention it's like no give him attention because this shit the shit that comes of it is awesome it's it's entertaining and you don't have to root for him to win i guess if you have a i don't mind that he's gonna get rich off of this that doesn't bother me it's just you know guess what he's already rich right like yeah we'll money. But the horse is out of the barn. We should have stopped it, you know, years ago. But it's too late now.

So we might as well fucking enjoy the pay-per-view that he could potentially put on. Yeah, I completely agree. But I also don't really fault people who have their mind made up about someone and is just like, you know what? I fucking hate that person now. Yeah, that's it. When people say, like, do research or like I said, you don't know the full story, it's like, I don't want to know the full story. I'm not going to take the time to get the full story, you know?

Right. I've done that. I do personally. It would be hypocritical of me to put my nose at that. Yes. But I also do have a soft spot just for people like that because I fall into that category where there's a million people who know one thing about me, make their judgment, and I'm like, well, I'd like you to either get to know everything else about me or find out

more about that situation but i know you're not going to but so be it but for someone like logan it's like i i i feel like it's you know similarities there where it's like he went through the fire like humbled and learned and all this shit and now is different. And I'm like, yeah, that's, you know, let's let's all give people like that a chance. But I don't expect many people to do it. But I just personally have the the the the personal like bias and soft spot for it. But I also don't get like I hate people without there's a difference between hating someone and like, and hating, like you did, like,

like not wanting them to succeed. You know what I mean? Not, it's like, if you, if you can, if you can gain a following and I don't like you, but like whatever,

he's doing it like on the internet, there's no, if he was like the son of somebody and he was handed this thing, like he just built this, he just did it. And that drives you crazy and and you know drives me crazy on some level like where i'm like fuck why not me but not to the point that i'm like you know he shouldn't get this or he doesn't deserve yeah i i think like everyone like i i'm

never really like calling for someone to not be able to earn a living i'm just like i fuck that person yes and then and honestly if you press me on it i probably don't even hate anybody in the world well except for genuinely bad people but like celebrities who annoy me if you were like well like you know they're actually pretty good deal probably yeah sure like yeah like the amount of people though that just get pressed the homies were pressed over this jake paul video and it's like you can say he's an asshole and want him to get his ass kicked, but that doesn't mean that, like, I don't want to see the Conor McGregor fight. Like, let's fucking go.

Which, by the way, just has to happen now. Like, I think it was inevitable anyway. You call somebody's girl a four out of ten, it's just got to happen. I mean, I don't think I knew that. John, John, the rant, he goes, what's up, you Irish cunt? What are you doing?

You're probably too busy punching old men in the bar or jerking off because you can't get because you're because your wife is a four and like she's ugly. Like, that's it. You have me and you have to throw hands, let alone a combat fighter, like, you know, a combat sports guy. So he's just, you know and logan did the same thing with floyd a little less personal just taking you know you can't read shots but this is how you know this is how the promo game works but jake just went like full heel over the top your wife is ugly he's gotta do it yeah and also connor like i i'm a conor mcgregor fan like i've i've never had a conor m McGregor match happen in which I,

a, I didn't buy it. And B, I wasn't rooting for Connor. I love Connor. Right. And even I, as a Conor McGregor fan,

listen to that and go, well, Connor's kind of got to come in. Like Connor, when Connor's promoting a fight, he's pretty fucking ruthless. He's racist. He's sexist.

He's personal. He's right. Oh, so now the flip, the script is flipped and now it's time. Now, what I hope happens. So I was thinking. And Jake Paul also says that he offered him 50 million cash.

Like 50. He'll give him the 50 million like to do it, which is like. And this this tick tock went viral. This girl who is a club table, table service, bottle service, says, we'll play the clip here. I'm about to just pour you a glass of some piping hot fucking tea real quick. Happy Monday. My team sent you a $50 million offer this morning.

$50 million cash, Google funds, the biggest fight offer you've ever been offered, but you're scared to fight me, Connor? Now that's priceless. Because when I worked in a club and the club comped your multi-thousand dollar tab and said just tip the girls who took care of you all night, you tipped us $40. $40 to split on your multi-thousand dollar tab.

But I'm glad you got $50 million to offer Conor McGregor to fist your asshole with. So, first of all, to fist your asshole with that, like, Jersey accent is fucking great. But, I mean, I don't know, like, does he have that kind of cash? I don't know about that. Like, I guess it's probably, like, with money that we'll make from the pay-per-view. I mean, he can't be throwing around $50 million, right? I don't think so but i i also i i feel like tipping tip shaming is one thing that i i just feel like the story's never fully told never it's like i'm 40 because you like you just like grab my jacket but the people who like serving me all night i fucking gave them a thousand dollars

or you know whatever and there's a chance that it was fully told here and that would be insane but it's like it's just so insane that someone would give 40 to split to people that i'm like it can't be the full story no it really it just i mean and maybe if he if it is then jake is you know that big of a piece of shit but for a guy who likes to be flashy and throw around money you would think he would almost be the opposite like an over tipper and not out of the goodness of his heart out of like look how cool I am. You know what I mean? 40 is just not. I think it's probably because

I just am such an over-tipper myself that I'm weary of maybe one time I do bad math, and I'm like, I ended up looking like an asshole. I'm like, oh, fuck, I just did it right. I wanted to tip you well. I just didn't put it, I didn't carry the zero or something like i'm a fucking idiot it's my fault like if you

just reach out to me i will absolutely pay you 25 percent like yes yes it is just like that i i i was always like a 20 22 percenter like since the pandemic started i'm like 25 30 percent tipper yeah so i just give i give monster tips and i know i'm so bad at math that one day i might give a shit tip i didn't intend to like cover my that's the thing like if you're gonna tip shame me reach out to me first i'll probably venmo you because it was probably just a mistake right give me the chance i'm not mean i'm dumb right it's a different thing i always say like with like basically when i get a tip i just like whenever i get like a bill i just round it to 100 and then give 30 bucks because it's like oh yeah

and that's hard for me to do because it's just rounding is hard because i'm a dumb person but like i just can't see how i also love that it's just always like it's always at least 100 it's always you know what i mean it's just around here, like the money is always going to be a lot. The bill's going to be a fucking lot all the goddamn time. Yeah. But what I was going to say, wait, was if, so say the money is like, say he's got $50 million. Like it's set, right? And he's fighting, so he's got the money.

And Conor is now fighting in like a fake match. It's a boxing match. He's not a boxer. Jake is not really truly a, you know, yes, he's fighting. So he's got the money. And Conor is now fighting in like a fake match. It's a boxing match. He's not a boxer. Jake is not really truly a, you know, yes, he's a professional, but not whatever. So it doesn't affect like his career, his record, his chance at a UFC belt. The money is clear. What if it's like ding, ding, ding? And Conor just like kicks him in the face.

Just gives him like a UFC spinning heel spinning heel kick and he's like yeah this was never about like boxing dude i wanted to break your face because you disrespected me and then he's like the hero who fucking actually took out jake paul that's very true and you probably like go to jail because it's like you can't like do shit like that in a sanctioned you know what i mean like that's probably like assault or something but whatever that would be so awesome if it was like the pay-per-view lasted four seconds, but he's just got like a spinning kick to the face. That's him.

That's a villain. Shit. That would probably be great for Jake too. That's like, everyone comes out a winner. Absolutely. Dude. Absolutely.

Um, all right. So we're going to do a couple of them. I, the assholes, we got interviews today. We've got Rosebud Baker and, uh, Brian Austin Green, two of our favorites back. Rosebud is just such a bitch.

I love it. I just fucking love that bitch. So let's do Am I the Asshole first. It's brought to you by Screwball Whiskey. If you are a little bit of a screwball, you're a little bit of an outsider, you're a little bit of a nomad wanderer, and you are looking for a cocktail. Nailing down that cocktail. When you're a kid, you drink some hard lemonades, and then you get to beer, and then maybe one day you're kind of cocktail-less.

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Advertisement by Screwball Spirits, LLC, San Diego, California. Whiskey with natural flavors, 35% alcohol by volume. Am I the answer this is our first uh winter with screwball whiskey because i it it slaps different yeah it does i think it i think it probably is and it's it's a good winter one where you're just trying to like you know again you know you don't want to have to like chug it like like choke it down it's it's smooth but still has that perfect bite. You need to have a little bit of bite, you know?

Yeah, yeah. So the wintertime is the perfect time for that. Am I the asshole here? We've got a couple ones. One that'll make you scratch your head. One that'll make you fucking... We'll ease into it. Am I the asshole for being pissed that my wife's dog cheated on my dog?

My wife and I both have Moody's, M-U-D-I-S, a very rare Hungarian, shout out to Hungary, sheepdog breed. We actually met through a social media group about the dogs. Hers is female, Mine is a male.

They go at it nonstop and she got pregnant. I was so excited to have pups. They'd be purebreds and so cute. I love them. By the way, this says apologies for the bad English. So it's a little bit broken English, but I love them. She was excited too. We always wanted to breed them.

Well, a few days ago, she gave birth and they're not purebreds looks like she got fucked by a german shepherd or a belgian model molinoise or something like that great i don't want to keep the pups and i want to give them away we agreed we would have purebreds she doesn't want to and she says we need to keep them i'm down to keep them but we need to have purebreds she says no and that shows's going to go get her dog spaded. Well, I'm fucking pissed. We agreed we'd have purebred puppies, and she's going back on her word. The case of the cheating dog.

What do you got, John? I mean, you are absolutely an asshole for headlining it the way you headlined it. I don't think infidelity is a thing in the animal kingdom. I believe it's just penguins. The only mammals who breed penguins are managamists. And if you cheat on a penguin, it's like, oh, man, you're a fucking asshole. But I think pretty much everybody else is uh you know you can fuck or get fucked by anybody you come across so i i get wanting something right like well we agreed upon

this yeah and but like i don't know man life fucking changes dude like you're you don't have a purebred anymore i don't and also just saying the word purebred you sound too much like hitler very hitler you just can't every area you can't't say purebred. It is whether or not its origins are in truly in puppy kennels. But it doesn't matter. In 2020, purebred sounds like some white supremacist shit. It does. Honestly, that's a big thing for me. That's really it.

Like, I think if you, business- business wise or socially i mean this by the way this is wacky to meet on a social media i guess i guess not technically if you like really loved your dog and you were a part of like some facebook group and you chatted someone else up and then that was like your common ground you know i can see that you're on you're on the dating app and you put your dog in it and that's how you connect but this feels like these people are like i wouldn't be surprised if some of these people fuck their dogs okay there's there's some weird shit going on with these dogs uh but if you if you're that intense with dogs and you say we're gonna breed them we're gonna we're gonna put them in dog shows and all this shit

we've gotta have my accountant actually is a dog show guy and he does purebred beagles and they like they go to like westminster and he comes in like the top 10 and they're intense about it it's like a lifestyle and a business and so i get all that and if all of a sudden you're like well i thought we were gonna have 10 purebreds to pick from and now we don't have any that's a problem but the the the thing here for me is that you have to run around telling people i don't want to raise the mutts i don't want to raise non-pure breads and you sound like a nazi dog yeah yeah you sound like a fucking nazi then but it is tough if you you know raising like a litter of puppies probably is not fucking easy and when it's not the ones that you thought you were gonna get it's probably really fucking hard

yeah i i don't even i don't even really care about him being like because you get like yeah you had your heart set on something i don't know i think you're kind of fucking weird if you're like these aren't the color i wanted but i mean i guess i love that he's like looks like she got fucked by a german shepherd or something yeah i thought you'd like it more fucking hitler um but there was something else he said in here. Can you run it back through one more time? Yeah. It was something else he said where I was like, yeah, no, you're the asshole, man.

Well, a few days ago she gave birth and they're not purebreds. Looks like she got fucked by a German shepherd or a Belgian Molinoise or something. Great. I don't want to keep the pups and I want to give them away. We agreed to have purebreds. She doesn't want to and says we should keep them. I'm down to keep the puppies, but We agreed to have purebreds. She doesn't want to and says we should keep them. I'm down to keep the puppies, but we had to have purebreds. She says no, and that she'll go get her dog spaded.

I'm fucking pissed. We agreed to have purebred puppies, and she's going back on her word. No, I guess I knocked all the points I had. Yeah, I mean, this guy, they did have an agreement, but like you said, life comes at you, and it's like you got to – let me see what some of the comments I had. Yeah. I mean, I mean this guy, you know, they did have an agreement, but like you said, life, you know, comes at you and it's like, you gotta,

you gotta, let me see what some of the comments here are. Uh, uh, so much to unpack. You're the asshole. There's still puppies. One guy says not the asshole.

I'm deeply in the minority on this one. The dog infidelity thing is super weird. He's overreacting, but I can see how he's upset that she didn't agree. uh fulfill their agreement i mean you know pups dogs is gonna get weird people you know there's gonna be people who are mutt lovers and and rescue dogs and shit who just don't even understand this but i can understand being upset people who do you know how weird dog people are like like dog dog people yeah the weird the weirdos. Is that you can just love something that's literally universally beloved. There are few and far between people who will even put up even a little bit of an argument when you say dogs are the best things in the world.

Everyone will be like, yeah, dogs are great. Dogs, bruh. Yep. And, and still, despite the fact that almost unanimous agreement with you, you're so weird. People are like, but that dude's a fucking weirdo. That's how far you take it. Yeah. That's how like,

that's how fucking bizarre you are. You like something that everyone likes and they go, I don't like it. Like he does. Also, let me just say this though. Let me just say this. In what world do you care? And do you have a right to force me?

He's not talking about, like, drowning them. He just wants to give them away. Like, if my dog went and got pregnant right now and I was like, I don't want to raise a litter of 12 puppies. I'm going to give them away. You wouldn't be like, you're a fucking asshole. You have to raise the puppies. You know what I just saying he's just saying these are not the dogs i want to raise that's you're not you're not like a fucking villain you know you're not a you're not a villain but there is because they did intentionally breed right and they were going to

take care of them now you're rejecting that and that feels very what what now is like is you and the wife got pregnant you said i'm only having a boy right turns out you had a girl and you're like well we're getting rid of it that's a very a very good distinction yes i i that is that's well said um okay let me go back to the am i the asshole page because this one it's time for the doozy i actually uh the the headlines are doozy. Sometimes you read these things and it gets a little bit more reasonable. But am I the asshole? My mom sent me a dick pic and is mad that I'm mad.

Longtime lurker, first time poster, and I'm on mobile. Anyway, this morning, my mom, 51 my mom 51 and i oh she's a did you think this was a son or a daughter uh i thought son me too it's a female it's a daughter that that changes things significantly that would seem very significant maybe maybe it's just because i'm a you know i put myself in in the story right away but i thought this was going to be a guy getting a picture of a dick from his mom. Now I'm going to, we'll read the story, but if this is like a single mom texting her 22 year old daughter, I feel like this is just like, I don't know, girls being girls. It's a little weird, but all right, let's see. 22 year old female. We were texting and she

mentioned that quote four men from her past had texted her all last night. My parents have been divorced for three years. It's been difficult for my mom to understand and respect the boundaries I ask for in regards to her dating. Nobody wants to hear the intimate details of their parents' lives, but we've been working on it. She then goes to look at this Christian gray wannabe and sends me a screenshot of one of these, quote, men from her past sending me a freaking dick pic. I immediately freak out. I'm like, what the fuck, mom? I could tell that she thought I was kidding with my over the top

reactions. I could tell that she thought I was kidding with my over the top reactions. After the initial shock wore off and I deleted the picture, I sent her a text that essentially said that it's not okay to send me stuff like that. And it way violates any and all boundaries. She then gets mad at me for being mad and claims I'm shaming her.

And then I'm overreacting. I literally feel like I'm taking crazy pills because in what world does one a mom think that that's okay and two argue about the fact that it would piss off slash make her daughter uncomfortable i told some of my friends and most reacted similar but a couple said i don't know it's funny y'all are close so am i the asshole slash overreacting i think that i am getting turned on i think i would watch a video that starts out like this i think that it is so funny in seeing just how adults adapt to the internet yeah like like it always started with like uh like when you first got on the internet as a kid right and it was always like don't believe everything you read on the internet yep and careful who you share personal information with and then immediately adults just started

sending money to nigerian princes yep and sharing clearly fake facebook stories right and then right and then it was like well careful like with yours you know and then sexting became a big thing and it's like well careful with what you send to people because that stuff lives forever. And now they're like, hang on a second. I got dick on my phone. But my daughter's got to see this. I mean, my thing here is that she has said that she's had a conversation about her dating life and said it makes me uncomfortable. And like, I'm supporting you and we're working on it.

But please don't. If that's all been said and then you go sending cock shots, it's like that's, you know, that's tough. You've clearly crossed the line. Yeah. Yeah. And I think also doubling down, like if your daughter says, hey, I'm uncomfortable with you sending dick pics, then that's it. Story's over. Like nothing more to say here. So, yeah, but, you know, i could see a scenario where there's some daughters and moms who kind of like i don't know could laugh about it and yeah but guess what those daughter and moms are like they're like the fucking mother daughter version of dog people

of the obsessive dog where it's like it's cool to be cool but like you're too cool right i'm a cool mom i send dick pics now you're you're a bad mom yeah right you're a fucking lunatic if you think that i'm but i mean like yeah i'm trying to think you're just like flipping it like if my parents are divorced and my dad sent me like a nude of like some girl like i'd be like dude this is fucking a lot actually to be honest you know i i would be uncomfortable probably but i think i'd be like like oh she's hot dad like and throw him a bone and just be like i think i would just swallow that one i think i'd be uncomfortable but i'd be like he's dating and he's trying to figure this out and like i'm not going to shut him down i don't think i think i'd shut up what the fuck

is this you need to yeah you need to get it together i'd probably be like yo send me some more dad like what you got? By the way, just speaking of dick pics and stuff, I didn't know this. Like Brad Pitt's cock is very much available on the Internet. Oh, right. You texted me this morning. Just Google like Brad Pitt nude. There's a shot of him kind of doing the Justin Bieber, like walking outside of what looks like a hotel balcony patio type thing naked.

And it's just like a solid, soft penis that I feel like the world, you know, should talk about. Right? That's like you can tell that when he grows, that's a good cock. And I just feel like, you know, he's the hottest man alive or at least, you know, in many people's minds. And, you know, I feel like we should be like, you know, you know, we know of the people who have nudes out there and you talk about their dicks and their nude pictures, guys and girls sometimes.

And Brad Pitt never gets mentioned. I don't think many people know that his dick is readily available. Very readily available. And clearly he didn't scrub the internet. He could get rid of this, and he's like, eh, leave it out there. Dude, one of the first results is from leakedmeat.com. I see brad being like leakedmeat.com leave it leave it we're good we're good he's also an obscene amount of photoshops where like he's just his face is just photoshopped on the gay point yes yeah i did see those as well yes i saw that it's it's a lot yeah a lot of that going on sure. There are also some I can't tell if it's like,

I mean, some of these are ridiculous. But like, so on this one, it's like he's doing like weird stretches and stuff. Did you see this one? No, I didn't see that one. I'm going to see if I can, like, what is this stretch? Can you see that? Yeah, that looks like he's doing some like dancing almost like some very bizarre.

Maybe that yoga or some shit. I don't know. Just just just just helicopter your dick around, Brad. You don't have to get fancy with it. You know, just that looks like he was like, yo, I want if I get real ridiculous out here, people will. I want to be seen as well. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

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off the Get Fit bundle, plus free shipping. That's CrossRope.com slash KFC, $40 off the Get Fit Bundle. Voicemails, let's do it. Can I tell you something? Yeah, what's up? I have been in this chair for like six hours today. And I am in just, my back is in shambles like i just have a fucking folding chair why don't you just like get in bed dude i don't know just lay down weirdly get in bed i don't

know uh whatever let's play we're almost at the finish line let's go six hours and ten minutes i need ten more minutes for you let's do it all right i'll just lay in bed let's do it i was wondering if uh you guys would rather be blind from the hours of 9 a.m to 2 p.m every day or have no thumbs i'll hang up and let you talk this this is an old school like what the fuck no rhyme or reason blind from nine to two or no thumbs period no thumb you cannot you cannot have thumbs that makes it turns you into a monkey that turns you into a primate that's like what oh no monkeys do have thumbs right that's what differentiates us from like us and the monkeys and like everyone else in the world they don't

have opposable thumbs you gotta have thumbs come on correct the although i don't know i feel like i could like right now if i lost my thumbs i could like get me like a personal spider and be like you come with me and you do all my thumb work but no you can't but like even or anything what do you with okay so like i get to the office right I'm just thinking on my day-to-day schedules. I could be blind. It would be easier for me to not have thumbs because here's the deal. I just walk to work.

Talk. I can open a door still. I don't even know what I need a thumb for. I guess the piss. You're going to need thumbs for your phone. But all I need to do is get to the office, and then I can just leave my phone on my desk and just text.

Yeah, you could get through it. You know what's funny? Do you know how I text a lot of times? I feel like you never see the kid in elementary school who holds the pencil like this, like all weird. Yeah. Or the kid who has a weird batting stance. I feel like sometimes I hold my pencil like this like all weird yeah or the kid has like a weird batting stance i feel like sometimes i hold my phone like this and i text with my left thumb and my right

index finger i mean that's insane i feel like i've done weird stuff like that too but i still use my thumbs to hold the like the bottom of the phone so even if i'm not using my thumbs i need my thumbs in fact actually now as i'm doing it right here i could definitely just text my thumb i have one thumb here that's not touching my phone the other thumb like she's like this but i got my pinky hooked under blind is blind would be no problem for me monday through friday saturday and sunday i'd like to be able to see but like 9 a.m to 2 p.m. Monday through Friday? Yeah, yeah. I have to see nothing. That is a testament to how much of a joke your life is. I don't need vision during the weekdays and the work hours.

That's when I don't need to be able to see things. Are you kidding me? My only issue there would be getting a lift to work in the morning. I couldn't walk to work because I'm blind. So I'd have to get a lift. You know what sucks, though? Blind people do walk around the city, but that's when they're blind for life and they learn. If you got sight back every six hours, you'd be like, I'm not learning how to do anything.

I'm just waiting. I just sit here and wait till two o'clock i don't even need to get sight back if i would go blind now i'm just blind yeah that's it i'm just yeah i'm just like i'm just a guy who has to be walked around like i'm not gonna learn how to survive basically you turn into a golden doodle you just need to be walked the uh but i guess i would need to read twitter and stuff but also like but I would just need that for topics. And you could just tell me topics before we recorded. That's true. It would make your life a lot harder.

I was going to say, the caretakers would be like, fuck this game. But that is a good one. I feel like that's going to be like a true 50-50. I could see a lot of people going both ways on that one. So wait, you just never have thumbs ever again? Ever again. So that's hard. Like opening things, like opening a jar, opening a – I don't think you can open doorknobs really.

I mean you can. You can do these things, but it's really not easy. You can just drink it, Kevin. Yeah, like how do you – Just having a drink. You have to use both hands. Well, yeah, you have to use both hands for everything so like maybe as you start to run through it there's just too much that your thumbs are i mean if they really are the hallmark of like differentiating between the human race and other

other animals we probably shouldn't turn our nose up at it but um but blind though you know blindness is you know i can't i can't ever willingly choose blind. Yeah. I mean there's literally – I would argue that the thumb is the thing that separates civilization from the rest of the world. There are no people without thumbs who are civilized. Right. There are no things without thumbs who are civilized. So it would be a pretty tough loss. Again, I think I could be better at surviving with

the blind aspect. I do think you could make a pretty decent argument both ways, which leads me to think it'll be a 50-50. Both of them kind of suck. Both of them are doable. Both of them, you're not completely fucked.

It's just wildly inconvenient. Let's just do it. I'll cut my thumbs off, and you have to be blind from 9 a.m. to 2 a.m. We should try to at least do one day where it's blind versus no thumbs. Yeah, you tape your thumb down, and we'll do one day like that, and then we'll do one day 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. with a blindfold. Okay. Done. Next up.

What up, KNC, Fight Super Reducer BC, Nick. So a couple days ago, I got a consultation from Lisa Harrell of my pubic region called Manzurian. It covers my dick, full bag, gooch, asshole, the whole shebang. So the person I was consulting with was a nice hot young blonde. I didn't think anything of it. I just figured she would take down my info, what I want done, and tell the doctor. So I just got a confirmation email about my appointment next week, and she's going to be the one to perform the procedure. So my question is, would you be able to have an attractive young woman stare straight into your asshole with a laser? And also, would you prefer a hot young girl doing the procedure so my question is would you be able to have an attractive young woman stare straight into your asshole with a laser and also would you prefer a hot young girl doing the procedure or a man thanks i this is wild so so that that got a little um a little jumpy there

at the beginning so what exactly is happening he's getting laser hair removal for like his dick his balls his asshole they call it the manzillion and he has a hot young blonde who's doing the procedure and he wants to know if you could handle that if you prefer that if you would prefer a man no questions asked give me a dude yeah not even uh i want someone who like knows the the goods and knows the and then there's no i like I feel like I would be a little bit embarrassed. I'd be a lot of bit embarrassed. There'd be a lot of awkwardness. And I want someone – and I don't want that.

And I want someone who knows the dick and balls and knows everything. Well, see, I think a woman probably knows the dick and balls from her angle. From her angle. Better than a guy does. But from a pain point of view and what like hurts and what you can you know you know you can move it this way and do it that way girls know how to like suck it and fuck it guys know you know what probably more so even even in an aggressive manner like like you know i once knew a nurse who worked in the NICU where it's like the under under uh you know and she was

like you can i lose you john no she was like you can i lose you john no she was like you can pick these things up you can move these kids around like you think they're so fragile but like you can move them and you know put them here and there flip them over do whatever i feel like the dick and balls is a little more resilient than you think and if you're getting in there to laser it out you know you can lift the ball bag stretch it out put it this way put it that way let's you know i want to get my money's worth here. I don't want you going in there with kid gloves. But, yeah, give me the dude, man.

Give me the dude. I'm more so from the embarrassment standpoint, just because the whole time I'd be like, ah, she's just thinking that. Your soft penis. She wishes this was any other dick in the world. Although I would argue this. I think that, like, I say this with girls all the time. If you're, like, a semi-attractive girl, and certainly if you're a hot chick going to get a Brazilian, do you know like some of the clientele those people have to see sometimes?

Like very overweight people, very gross people, old people, gross pussies. If you're just like even mildly good, you're like a dream come true for them. So I feel like my dick is but you know what is a a fully bald soft penis is one of the more embarrassing sights you'll ever see dude yeah i'm like i've never even heard of dudes getting this me neither like i i guess i understand the the ass situation if that's something you got to deal with but like i don't want yeah i could laser my asshole but i but i want i want some pubes though put that on the calendar for 2022 i i can laser my asshole but i want some pubes

i think that just like from a woman's like from a an intersex standpoint just like there is there is no doubt that dealing with a person of the other sex has sexual undertones as long as you're both somewhat attractive or and somewhat in the same age range you know same attractiveness level same age level like there's just undoubtedly going to be some concern like would they fuck me should i fuck them like what's he doing and imagine i'd rather not have that with the person who's fucking waxing me or well and that's the thing too i don't know exactly how this works but i'm envisioning you're sitting there and you're no let's let's not sell ourselves short we're decently attractive right she is there you're you think she's hot maybe she's into you and you're

like lifting your leg over your head and she's like blasting you with a laser gun on your butthole i mean and you got to sit there for a little while like she's probably like okay spread your cheeks and she's just blasting your butthole being like so how's your day at work i mean you can't have that you can't guess what you have to do that. Multiple times, right? As you say, from people I know who've gotten these, you have – it's sessions. It's sessions with a plural S. Give me a guy. I don't care about these things. I heard the Chicago guys talking about this.

I know you're not a massage guy at all. I can get a massage from a dude no fucking problem. Oh, without fail. I mean – well, actually, I mean i'm saying like i didn't have a problem doing it i did i've only had the one joy i did i did not enjoy it but at no point was i like well actually i mean they do tickle me so listen your massage experience you have every right to say i don't like massages and i don't want to do it he was rubbing your belly button that guy was raping you okay that guy was but for me it wasn't even like a tickle. It was a twirl. No, no, no, no, no.

My belly button. That's disgusting. He was picking out the limb. That's disgusting. I do that right now. I have so much sugar in my belly. Oh God. You're going to be, you're going to have sugar in your asshole for the next like six months.

Cause that photo shoot, I can, I can, uh, I've gotten a million massages in my life. And like, sometimes there's this fucking Asian guy named Danny. He had fucking hands of steel. He could get in my muscles and rip sometimes there's this fucking asian guy named danny he had fucking hands of steel he could get in my muscles and rip my knots out like i prefer a dude sometimes i don't if you're insecure about getting like i mean if you're an athlete and you get like your trainer rubbing you are you sitting there like oh that's gay dude get the fuck out of here a guy can rub me all day long whatever i want like a big if i'm if i'm getting if i'm getting laser and i want like a big burly russian dude yeah again the guy who knows what's up like we got to get this fucking

hair off you know what i mean all right let's get into our uh interviews today uh first one is brought to you by our girl erica fleishman fleishman salon man i'll tell you we were doing you know what here's the benefit of doing these things at home. I can just show you all the products. Show the collection, man. Here we go. We were doing. I watched our Jenga stream back the other day. We both had phenomenal flow.

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FleischmanSalon.com. Promo code KFC. Let's talk to Rosebud Baker, that bitch. I thought that was actually Rosebud sitting there for a second. What up? Yeah, I just like came in, posed. I was like, oh, that's a wild way to start an interview. That's just how I start all my Zoom meetings in full post.

Girl up on the couch. Yeah. Oh, me? I'm just hanging out. Hold on. Wow. Is this OnlyFans? What's going on here?

I just broke my ring light. Oh, God. This is why I don't have an only fans honestly you'd probably you'd probably have one of the worst only fans ever i first of all hold on hurtful and rude no no well let me let me rephrase devastatingly true yeah you could have a great one. You just wouldn't because you'd be not into it or you'd be like, instead of doing some sex stuff, I'm going to argue or make fun of Andy or some shit.

You know what I mean? I try to get creative with it and they'd be like, that's not what we're here for, bitch. Show the goods, bitch. I was actually thinking about you yesterday because first of all, we were watching some of your stand-up, but second of all, I gotta go get it. I just gotta show this to you. Okay. Jesus Christ.

I don't know where he's going with this, I don't think. I'm kind of terrified to find out. What do you think he's going to come back with? A picture of a homeless woman. That's what I think. So I saw this and it made me think of you. Here's this woman in a moving blanket outside. I walked into our bathroom. Yeah.

We have like our laundry is right next to the bathroom. Yeah. I guess my girlfriend was like cleaning out like the thing you get the detergent in. Oh, I know that. This was just sitting there. Wait, what is that? Hold on. It's just like it's what you get.

You pour the detergent into and then you put that into the washing machine. Oh, shit. Diva. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck is this? That's your brand now. That's oh my God. That's beautiful.

That is really beautiful. You you guys i'm so happy well it's so funny that that's like actually worse than a picture of a homeless woman i got this cup full of blood and it made me think of you oh my god love it what's what is this Hold on a second. Kevin has to go into work and and, you know, fuck you, Rosebud. Fuck you. Because all I I didn't think I was going to be able to make it in. And then I was able to make it in. And then you weren't able to come back to the original time.

And you give me a hard time about it. Just fuck off. OK, I have. It's so easy in like the era of zoom to like i always go in together like we always do our interviews together yeah there was one moment where kevin was like look if if rosebud can move up can you go now i was like yeah sure i'll just do it at home and then once you accept that fact like you know what i'm not putting pants on yeah you had no shot of coming in like i'm just going to just do this here. Yeah. It's so funny because

Kevin texted me yesterday and was like, hey, can we move it? I was like, no problem. I can move it to whenever. So flexible. She was great. I even said to her, thanks for being flexible. Super flexible. Then today at one, or like around one, he texted me. He's like, hey, actually

things worked out. We could just still do it at one and I just wrote back. What did I write i was like now you're just now you're being annoying i'll see you at two motherfucker okay okay sorry it was so funny because i was like wow this really is the story of what it is to be my friend like one day you'll reach out and i'll be like super nice and like accommodating and then the next day whether i don't it had nothing to do with you i was just in the middle of like too many people texted me at the same time and i just started lashing out at all of them like it was like you know what she did you know what she did she sent the the sideways crying

emoji like that makes it better like Like, I'm just kind of joking, like, no, you're being a fucking bitch. Yeah. I mean, I totally get that, though. Like, I'll be accommodating once. Heaven forbid. And as a matter of fucking fact,

I know that you got somewhere to be at four, so I was like, maybe she'll want to go back to the original time, because she's got shit to do at four so i was like maybe she'll want to go back to the original time because she's got shit to do and she's like no motherfucker i should have canceled the whole thing fuck you and your special don't go watch rosebud baker's shit is first of all the truth is i know a lot of people are out of work right now but i'm not okay it's it's not the word i'm like i'm not just sitting around here i got shit to do i will say i will say uh the first attempt i made to reschedule i was like can you just do it later in the day and you were like no i've got a meeting and i wrote back to the guys i was like she can't

she's got something to do like what what the fuck is that about who the fuck has stuff to do these days what is this bitch? I'm fucking working. It's crazy. I mean, I know it's not like it's not going to make me likable to say to this, but like Rosebud, let me stop you right there. You're never going to be likable. OK, yeah, it's not. Let me say this.

It's not been that bad of a year for me. I love it. I've been thinking about that there. I want to write like a book or a fucking expose or something like all the people in the world who had a great 2020 like i i got married right before the pandemic i got a promotion we like we my dreams came true and i'm gonna look back and think 2020 was the best year ever and those people are all like walking on eggshells like i can't say anything or I'm a bad person,

but fuck that. Enjoy yourself. I know. It's so funny because I was listening to, I was listening to the daily on, and it was like, we want to hear about your good news stories from 2020. And I was like,

nobody's going to fucking call in to let you know about their good stories from 2020. All in right now. Give me the number. You might as well. You might as well mail someone a knife and give them your address because no one is going to want to listen to that.

Could you imagine if someone was like, well, you know, COVID wiped out my entire family and I was unable to say goodbye to them at the hospital. And, you know, they just got whisked away one day, put on a ventilator, and then I saw their dead body at the morgue. And, you know, I lost my job. I had to hug a screen to say goodbye to my mom.

I'm so happy that you got your promotion, though. Yeah, we want to hear that story. Right. I made a calendar this year. Pretty cool. Here's our calendar. We got a calendar, Ospud. How about that?

That's beautiful. I'm happy for you guys. All of our idiotic statements. So you can get that. That makes me happy. I like seeing people succeed. I do. Yeah.

It makes me feel good. I feel like this has been a big year, probably like 2019 into 2020 for you, I feel like was when things things started to pop right well i felt like to 2018 to 2019 was a little bit uh better in terms of like okay so you're failing now you're on the down slide you're you're washed up first of all no i'm making more money this year oh that's all it matters but it's all but it's all uh it's not like public you know what i mean so it's all kind of like and I kind of enjoy that more. Like, I'm sort of enjoying it more.

Wait, wait. What does that mean? Because you're not on stage. Yeah, just writing like I'm making more money writing. And it's been I'm like, this is great because I don't have to put on makeup. I can stay in my pajamas. I can make check like I just you know it's not bad and i can just fucking write jokes and get paid for them what are you writing writing for uh like tv

shows and shit or what yeah yeah do you do do it does anybody write for other comics is that a thing will somebody like will you write jokes for someone else to use on stage yeah yeah for sure really that's like that's like i don't know i like why don't you someone else to use on stage? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Really? I feel like that's like, I don't know. Why don't you just tell that joke on stage? Well, it's for people that, okay, so like if somebody gets a hosting gig at like the Oscars, right? Oh, okay.

Got it. They're so big and they've got so many things going on that they're going to hire people to write jokes for them. I jokes for them i see in their voice you wouldn't do it for another comic i would yeah like another comic like if i was getting paid i would do it so you would would you rather get paid you know if someone else was just like at like the new york city circuit of clubs telling your jokes but you got paid for it you'd be cool with that i'd be cool with it because here's even if it was like my jokes i'm if i'm writing it for them they're gonna be jokes that i wouldn't tell so it's just like jokes aren't that fucking precious i mean i can come up with a joke easily oh look at me i'm so funny i'm just drowning in jokes

well yeah Look at me. I'm so funny. I'm just drowning in jokes. Well, yeah. And I'm like, I could write it. I'll write a joke for somebody else. The jokes that are like precious like a male from a male's point of view or something like that, where it's like, I would never be able to really tell this anyway as a chick. So like, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah.

I remember like, like Jay-Z once wrote a verse for Dr. Dre and it was all about like driving Bentleys and doing what Jay-Z does. And Dr. Dre was like, no, no, no, dude, we don't do that here on the West coast. So we rewrote the whole thing in like Cadillacs and West Coast style. He's like, all right, I'll write it however you fucking want it because I can just do this.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that there's jokes that I, you know, when it comes to like guys, there's women can kind of get away with right with saying certain things on stage that men can't, you know, black comics can get away with saying things on stage that that men can't you know black comics can get

away with saying things on stage that white comics can't there's like all these things what do you think like the hierarchy is because i think at the top is gay guys they can say whatever the fuck they want in my mind i think uh gay black trans person can get away with saying anything they fucking want so it's just the, the more boxes you can check. What about like Native American? Yeah. Yeah, they got to be like the pinnacle. I can say whatever I want.

There's only six of us left. Right. I mean, you got, you got, there's, it's a tricky time because, you know, you got to kind of like walk this line of like where, you know, you can't come off as being, you just have to be really smart about the jokes that you tell. If you're going to talk, if you're like a white woman, you have to be really smart about the jokes that you tell about like cops and about the black community

or about your role in that whole dynamic. You know what I mean? Like, and I'm kind of working on a bit right now that is in the beginning stages that's sort of about that whole thing about white women and why we call the cops all the time which is give us a little color there why i can't i can't yeah it's not ready that is it's not ready that is something you gotta nail you gotta make sure every word i have to run that joke by every friend of mine who is black and make sure that they think it's funny how about this when you think something's funny and you run it by and they're like no but you really liked it as is what do you do then

because i've had that happen where i'm like fuck i thought i asked you thinking i was absolutely gonna get the okay and i didn't get the okay and now i'm pissed because i really want to tell that joke or write that line or whatever i think i usually just go okay they're right like if it's if they're like no that doesn't work that's then i'm like oh the angles i took the wrong angle you know what i mean i'm like i've been thinking more but you're wrong you don't even get it. Well, that's what I'm saying. I usually get offended. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm like, it doesn't mean that you're wrong. It just means that you took, you took the wrong angle. Like you have to think about it more.

Yeah. Like, uh, you know, there's just, there's blind spots that I have that they don't. And so I have to just go, Oh,

okay. I guess I, I, that's my blind spot, you know? Right. And I and usually I'll ask, I'll be like, OK, well, what is it about it that doesn't work? If I really don't know. Got it. What annoys me is when they go, no, it's not funny. It's like, well, why? Yeah, yeah. And I go, OK, well, why not? Yeah. And then they they explain it to me and I'll go, OK, all right, got it. You know, how were how were the holidays this year for you?

I mean, I didn't even I didn't do anything for Thanksgiving. I'm going I know it's treason, but I'm going to go see my mom for Christmas. It's so like it is the weirdest fucking time. I just don't know, like, it is the weirdest fucking time. I just don't know. Like what the fuck? I feel like people are going to shit on me. If I say I'm going to see my mom, but it's like my mom's 60.

She's in Maine. She's like alone. I, you know, I, I, I want to see her. So I'm doing,

I'm getting tested all fucking week. I'm going to Cleveland this weekend to do hilarities in in cleveland and that i'm getting tested before i leave gonna fucking quarantine while i'm there and then come back and test twice before i go home and it's like fun fun stuff yeah boy you must really love your mom that sounds like a lot you're like sorry mom you're on your own i i do i feel like i don't i normally i'm like i won't go home for christmas because i just feel like it's unhealthy to go home for christmas regardless of if there's a pandemic or not like i don't support uh family relationships what speaking mentally or physically mentally i think mentally and spiritually it's wrong to visit your family.

I actually, for the first time this year, I am going home as well for Christmas. But this is the first time ever this year that I didn't go home for Thanksgiving. Yeah. Pretty good. Yeah. Good. Pretty enjoyable. You know what the key is? The key is to have somewhere to go and family to see if you were so inclined, but say no.

Because when you don't have it, that's when you get like the holidays blues where you're like, oh, my God, like I'm alone in this world and I'm going to die and blah, blah, blah. But it's like, well, I could go see a whole host of people who love me but i can't because of like the the the pandemic so then you just kick back and do whatever the fuck you want right that's the good i mean that was that was really the beautiful thing about getting married in the middle of all this was just like oh yeah i can't have i can't invite my extended family for their own good it's just it's for them i'm protecting them yes you're so selfless rosebud yes yeah i mean i'm a hero that is so good i mean i remember praying for no rsvp knows when i was getting married like we would literally open up like so and so said no yes save a few dollars So to be able to just be like, boom, entire swaths of people gone.

Oh, my God. I would rush my wedding. I almost want to propose right now to some random person, plan a wedding and not invite people. The rush that you got to get from that. Oh, fuck. It's amazing. And then you fucking put together a website with pictures so that you've included people. And you go, oh, and here's our registry.

Buy me shit. You're not going to make it, but buy me a mixer. Yeah, but I feel like the best part of this year was just like how it's forced. It's caused this like

forced reflection for so many people. You know, like you're alone with your thoughts and you have to everyone that i know has had to um face something about their life that wasn't working and like have to change it you know what i mean like there's entire friendships that i had that this year i just went ew too nope like off off the list done done I, and not, it wasn't in a, you know, like cutting them off or like, it wasn't like that. It was just like, oh, okay. I'm going to let this die. It's like a plant that you just don't water, you know? Yes. Like I'm just going

to let this wither slowly and die. Yeah. Yes. And the beautiful thing about it is that nobody has like called me and been like hey i miss you which is i think beautiful part well yeah it's a further it's further um it just confirms that it wasn't working in the first like i'm like okay this was mutual i almost feel like my ego would come into play and i'd be like huh that motherfucker doesn't even miss me huh alright see how it is like what you don't miss this you don't want this in your life

you don't want all this I think we lost Fidel Berger oh there he is he's back you back Fights yeah well I'm gonna cut him out of my world next leave that part behind yeah I'll see you later Fights just listened to that and decided this was the moment, I guess. Yeah.

So you got new shit coming out or what? What's cooking up for the rest of the month? Yeah. So I've got a Comedy Central digital set coming out December 23rd. Okay. And that'll be on CC Stand-Ups Instagram. We did a COVID show, did a covid uh covid show like a covid friendly show we're not covid covid friendly sounds bizarre yeah it's like me and me and

covid we it was a super spreader event we all coughed on each other and uh yeah we were covid friendly meaning we were just gathered in a small space where did you do it like what was the setting um it was actually on an in an outdoor area in brooklyn and we we there was like seven of us on the show um andy's set came out today he was on it too and it was it was basically just like all the material that we've gotten since this whole thing started. You know what I mean? Just basically like, what are the new jokes you have try? And it was the first time a lot of us had been on stage in months. So that was cool.

Did you have a lot of rust? Because we were talking to Gabriel Iglesias and he was like, he got up. I think he said for the first time in eight months and he was like, I fucking sucked. Like it was bad. I was like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like, uh, it's very tough to kind of, I mean, I was getting up every night for a while during the pandemic,

like just doing outdoor shows. And they were fine. It wasn't it's just not a friendly. It's not great for comedy like outdoors. Like we used to complain about how the ceilings weren't low enough in a comedy club. We were just talking about that with Sam. Yeah. And it's like now you're screaming under the sky.

Like it was just and the laughs kind of like just go up. Yeah, so like we were just talking about Sam's special, and I think, I mean, he had a couple jokes that I thought were like fucking money, and it did get a laugh, but it didn't sound the way it should have. And I would imagine when you've done seven nights a week, 25 sets a week for the last million years, the way you guys have

where you come you get accustomed to like uproar and like loud laughter it just sounds like you know that's it almost sounds ruder yeah it's like a smattering of applause where it's just like it's like oh fuck but that's really how it you know it's how it sounds unless you're trapped in like a little tiny comedy club that's designed for it. So I get it. Yeah. And it's, it's crazy because I would walk away from shows and, and then feel awful. Like I was like, even if the set went well and I saw them enjoying themselves, I would just feel so fucking sad. It's like hooking up with somebody after a breakup, you know, just to get your mind off of it. And you're like, oh, this this isn't it.

Like this, this ain't it. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that is what it felt like every time I got on stage. And for a second, I'm just coming back now from like three weeks where I was just like, I can't get myself to do it. I can't get myself to go down to the cellar or go to like an outdoor show. I just can't fucking get myself to do it. Cause I would be depressed on the way there.

And then I'd be depressed on the way home. And I, you know, it is what it is. If it's any constellation from a, a viewer's side of it, I kind of came like full circle where like in the beginning, if I saw people on the back of a pickup truck or doing a drive-in show or in the park, I was kind of like, ooh, like they're stooping that low, huh?

But then, first of all, it went on so long. Second of all, like you got to get those jokes off because if you tell the pandemic jokes, like when you're back in the club in a year, those don't fucking work. So I wanted to hear of the the comedy that you guys were coming up with during the time and then also it just got to be normal where it was just like okay i'm gonna watch this set on a on a rooftop and it's like it's just as funny it might not sound the same feel the same whatever but the the level of humor is still there so it's probably a lot in your head and just what

you're used to hearing because it's not like you guys became not funny all of a sudden. No. I mean, what it is is we just had to, it was like, Oh, I'm doing this because it makes sense to do it. Not because I'm enjoying myself.

Like, you know, I used to get, I used to have this like excitement when I would go to the club and I would have a new joke and I'd be able to tell it that doesn't exist anymore. I go and I do, I do my set and if it works, it works,

but it's not going to feel great. Even if it's like, you know, even if the response is nice, it's just not, it's not going to feel the same. So honestly, it became work again.

It's really what you're describing. It's like, I had to do this thing that I don't really enjoy, but I had to do it for money and for my career yeah for sure and also just to stay to stay in shape it's like you gotta just stay in shape you forget that this is if you stop doing it for any long period of time you get back on stage and you're like so wobbly and like your timing is fucked and God, it's just brutal. Like, and you can't deny it.

Like you can't be like, Oh yeah, the audience fucked up that one. Like it's your fault. You know, I was actually watching you on your YouTube and like, you must've been one of the last people to be on the cellar. Right.

It was so weird seeing it was one of your, it was like, it was so weird. The date was like water imposed or watermarked on itar right it was so weird seeing it was one of your it was like it was so weird the date was like water imposed or watermarked on it and it was like february 28th 2020 would that made sense something like that where it's like it was weird seeing someone on stage in a club doing and like with the year being 2020 because i was like i forgot we were ever even open at all you know what i think that I think that set was actually February of 2019. And I just put the date wrong in the thing, but it was still,

I don't know. I don't know when it was. It was like December of 20, December of 2019. So it was right, right before I left for LA and I was, and that was, you know,

it was one of my last sets for sure because I was like you know I remember asking Liz to send me that tape Liz is the manager at the Comedy Cellar and she sent it to me and I was like do you have any more of them like do you have any because I knew the pandemic

was happening and I was like I just need more material to like release when she was like I'm sorry we don't like those are that's it that's what we got I can't get back into the thing because we're not open so I was like fuck um cause and it wasn't

a good set either like it was like I liked the set I liked the set and I feel like everyone that's watched it on YouTube has loved it but they've all been like, fuck that audience. Same exact thing. Like in particular,

there's one part where you're talking about your sister who passed away. And as someone who like, I also lost someone like my best friend when I was young. And like, I always make jokes about it and it always makes everyone really uncomfortable. And you're like, fuck you.

These aren't your traumas. It's selfish not to laugh with me. And I like that's like oh i very much get that you suck yeah i feel i i mean that's i love doing shit like that but obviously joe like that don't do well under patio lights you know what i mean it's like everybody's trying to have a nice afternoon and i'm sitting in the middle of central park just like shouting abortion jokes yeah like the set itself looks like a taylor swift music video where you have like christmas lights kind of hanging around yes anyway i got a diva cup stuck in me i legit had one set this summer in central park where i was telling a joke about abortion and I heard a child laugh when it was over.

The laughter of babes. There is something about like if you do, if comedians do what you do at night where there's alcohol being served in a dark place, it's funny. You do that exact thing in the light of day under the sun, you become a crazy person. That's what differentiates you between like the crazies in the park. Yeah. No, I mean, truly, there was no mic. There was a period of time where there were no mics available.

You were just yelling under a tree. So you guys get abortions or what? Exactly. And I'm like, sorry, I'm like like trying to i'm trying to quit vaping so if people are watching this and they and i'm like moving my mouth around i'm not on cocaine it's just these fucking nicotine lozenges i'll tell you what robert downey jr had the same excuse on letterman the other night he's chopping away his gum yeahicions on both of you I'm like well leave it to two addicts to be like

everyone's gonna think that I relapsed what a great little ploy that is just walk around with your lozenges not on coke I swear yeah yeah oh wait how are the street toughs hanging out on your stoop

the stoop kids oh the teens? I? Oh, the teens? Yeah, the teens. I haven't seen the teens lately. Do they finally scatter? They finally, maybe they're dead. Maybe they caught it and died. I'm kind of hoping that they did.

No, I have no idea where they are. I hope that their parents fucking grounded them. But they haven't been around. And now what we've got is this guy named, uh, Bob or something who's homeless. He's a homeless vet that Andy has befriended. And I'm pretty sure that he shit in our flower, uh, in the, by the tree in our flower pot. Um, well, what would you prefer that? Or just like the fucking ground, you know?

I mean, yeah, I understand. It was like, I can see how it, how he you prefer that or just like the fucking ground, you know? I mean, yeah, I understand. It was like I can see how it how he did it that way. You know, he looks like he's sitting on the edge of the, you know, the little fences where they say, like, curb your dog. He probably just sat on one of those, pulled the back of his pants down and let it go. Where would you sit if you were homeless? Hmm. That's a really good question. I feel like I've seen them multiple times in my life,

probably like three total. I've seen them in between cars, parked cars. Yes. They always pick that. What is that about? I don't know, because I'm like,

that's very obvious. Yeah. I don't know. It's like, oh, they're, you know, shitting between cars. That's what the homeless do. And it doesn't seem like

it would be the best of choices. I don't know. Well, you know what I i think you know what it tells me is that when uh maybe given what they have to eat maybe every shit is an emergency right like i just gotta go right now yeah i feel like if you are shitting between cars it was an emergency and that's i've watched a guy shit between cars i was sitting inside of new york comedy club and he was shitting between cars we were all watching him in the window we were all just like huh and then he grabs he just grabbed newspaper out of the air like it was blowing by and he fucking caught the newspaper and just wiped his ass that's i mean that's actually pretty impressive to me that's gnashing it out of the air like all in

one motion that guy's a professional i mean i was like this is artistic dude there was one time i had i had myself a bob back where I lived in Boston still. And I was leaving the, I was going to work one day and we only had one door in the building. So I had to go out that door and it was like, had an entryway that he'd kind of, he'd gotten in the entryway, but he couldn't get into the building itself. So he was just laying down in the entryway with his pants pulled halfway

down his like quads and just he was unconscious and just shit was pouring out of his ass like i watched it happen wow i was like i guess this is an emergency but i just had to step over a guy mid shit to get so i could go to work that day that's unbelievable so wait it just it just leaked out like tears? It was just a pile. It was still on his cheeks, and it was just a pile of shit around at the base of his cheeks. It was horrific. Also, the answer for where...

No, I was in Boston at the time. Oh, all right. Even better. But the answer where you shave your homeless, I feel like not enough people use this or employ this tactic. You can go into hotels. Well, I mean, I think that works for a little while. I would imagine at some point they got wise to that.

And as soon as the homeless guy wrapped up in a moving blanket shows up, they're like, you're not pooping here. You're not pooping here. Get the fuck out. No, that's Lenny Kravitz. But I think Starbucks Starbucks is probably good for that. Although they've started, you know

what I used to do? And I this is a homeless move, but I did it anyway, is I used to keep bathroom codes in my phone of certain places in the city so that I could be like, oh, that that deli over there has a bathroom. I could just walk in the back and then I'd save the code so I

wouldn't have to buy anything. This is when I first. Gross, bud. That is super, super gross for you to do, but very like savvy, you know, like that. That's what those are the lengths that you'll go to when you're first

starting comedy and you have no fucking money and you're like, well, if I got to go to the bathroom and i'm near a club but i but i'm too far to walk back two dollars i know yeah yeah yeah say no wonder 2020 has been a great year for you the bar was on a fucking floor the bar was incredibly low i don't have a public restroom scam going right now. So we had a pretty good year. Yeah. Let me put it this way. It's easy for me to be grateful. We speaking of just like discussing deplorable things in New York,

I'm going to hold this up to the screen. I hope you can kind of get a gist for it. This, this, our coworker was on, he went to the bodega walking back to his apartment. And I mean, I've been in New York forever. I feel like I've seen it all when it comes to the homeless and the rats and just everything.

This is a rat who has been, yeah, like hung, like lynched with like a cord hanging from some scaffolding. What the fuck? Yeah, and I mean, that's what I love about it is that it moves the needle even for like New Yorkers who have seen it all. Like I saw that and I was like, oh mama, that is some shit I've never seen before. That is, that's the most disturbing fucking thing I've seen in a long time, dude. He said he was walking and had his head down texting and like looked up at the last second or he would have just like walked into a dangling rat. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Imagine you're walking by and it's just like the rat hits your face. I would shave my face off. Oh, I would cut my head right off. I would chop my head right off i would trap my head right off dude i one time was walking in on the upper west side and i was wearing flip-flops i haven't worn sandals or flip-flops since in the city i was just walking by a tasty delight and i'll never fucking forget it i felt something on my foot i looked down a rat was walking over my

bare foot and i screamed and looked around at everyone. And I was like, nobody's going to do anything. Nobody. I just, but that is like, if I had seen that, that would, I mean. And move. I mean, that's enough. Could you imagine if you're, you know, you are like a 22 year old girl and you move to the city and you think it's going to be sex in the city, martinis and high heels. And you, and you bought some shitty apartment in a shitty neighborhood.

And the first thing you see is a fucking, a lynched rat. Honestly, that is actually, I hope that I hope a lot of 20 year olds saw that like 20 year old musical theater majors. I hope they saw that. I mean,

that's your choice. That's the origin story of a marvel super uh like that's just yeah something someone so twisted would do yeah that like like and and bailey uh another kid who works with actually replied and he said oh that might be like where i live in brooklyn because what they do his neighbors do is they kidnap they're not kidnapped they catch rats in cages and then electrocute them. What the fuck? You gotta be like,

you should literally call the police on those people. Yeah, because that is the making. That's the making of a supervillain. You gotta stop them now. That's what serial killers do. They microwave cats and they kill things and then eventually they need the, they got the thirst for human blood. So when there's like another serial killer on the loose,

it's the fucking NYPD's fault for not getting the rat killers. No shit. No shit. I totally agree. Whoever fucking did that, I want the cops to find them. They should investigate that. They should be dusting for fingerprints and shit. Yeah, that is a person who will kill people.

Like abso-fucking-lutely. That is terrifying. Did you see Don't Fuck With Cats? The guy who, like, killed the fucking hamsters? I couldn't. But that's, you know, that's the same shit. He took his time to... Could you imagine...

I'm going to assume he killed the rat, too. And then you sit there and you just, like, get out a, I don't know, a cord or a piece of yarn. And you're just, like, tying a little bow or a little fucking knot around the neck and you throw it up over the top i mean if he did i hope he did it right at least he got you still got to do the noose if you're tying it in a bow that's almost a little too whimsical for a murdered rat like a fucking boy scout that's the part that makes it fucking creepy that's the part that makes it serial killer worthy is like if he ties a bow around it, that means he thinks it's a gift. Yeah.

Nice little presentation. Oh, I can't deal with people that fucking hurt animals. I can't fucking deal with that. I'd rather you kill a person, you know, I'm like, I mean, obviously it's because it's symbolic of what they could do to people. But like a fucking helpless and i just god damn it i i hate those people so much and and also like rats are my like i have a problem with rats and if you and i still had a problem with the person killing a rat in this manner

like i think rats should be wiped off the face of the earth. And still, I'm like, well, this is over the line. But let's do it humane. You know, let's get you know what is pretty crazy? Old school, like, mouse traps that just, like, whap! And just, like, break a fucking mouse's neck. Just whap! Like, that is

some dark shit, too. But let's go with that. I don't need you fucking tying anybody up and hanging them over scaffolding. I remember hearing this story of somebody that used one of those glue traps for mice, but like didn't realize that the glue doesn't kill them and that then you have to kill the mouse. This guy, this guy caught like mouse the size of fucking dogs and they're screaming and like.

I got Rose, but I lived in a basement. Actually, I live in the same apartment that the guy's shitting. And I came home one night and I lived like i lived like below ground so it was pitch pitch black yeah i came home one night and like there weren't windows it was a very depressing time in my life and uh it was like i just walked into my apartment so there are no lights on there are no windows it's just pitch pitch black until I get to somewhere where I like could be on. Yeah. And I hear the loudest squeals and screams.

And I had forgotten I put the glue trap out. So I was just like, what the fuck is this? Cacophony of noise. Yeah. It is just like, just like piercing my eardrums. I turn the lights on I see this fucking glue trap in the middle of my Kitchen

There's like seven of them on there And they're all eating each other's legs So they can get out of the glue What the fuck Yeah I mean imagine Your leg is crossing So they can run away And so I get a snow shovel

and there was like a... I had a glass sliding door that opened up into an alley and I got a snow shovel and just kind of like a lacrosse stick just threw them as far as I could. Landed in the middle of the road. Yeah, they landed in the middle of the road and got run over shortly thereafter

and remained pressed into that pavement until i moved out oh my fucking god fights that's fucked up i know i know never again wait and then and then i stopped even trying to kill them i couldn't hear them in my cabinet and i would just turn my tv up i'm not going through that again that's so fucked up Can I tell you guys a story that I've been I forgot? I was like, I'm dying to tell this story on like a bigger podcast because it's it's not funny, but it's fucking interesting. Let's go. OK, so a couple of weeks ago, this is basically.

All right. Well, whatever. A couple of weeks ago, I get a call from my agent. He's like, hey, do you want to do a corporate tonight? And I was like, yeah, how much does it pay? He was like, it's, you know, seven, 75, uh, $7,500 or whatever. And I was like, yeah, yeah, for sure. I'll do it. Uh, they put me in a car that night. It was out in connecticut and um and so i go out there and it's for the ceo and the ceo is on the lawn of this connecticut house and i go down in the back and he's wrestling celebrities like this is how billionaires are dealing with the pandemic just you know would this be someone

we would know if you said the name or is it just like a no-name businessman who's like got a zillion dollars? He's very, well, you'll. It was Jeff Bezos. Let me finish this story and you'll find out. Okay. Okay, so it's this fucking billionaire like CEO.

He's wrestling celebrities on his lawn. David Arquette is there. Just fucking, just the craziest shit. And I'm like, these people are so fucked up. Like everyone there is like fucked up. Like, and I'm, I'm a drug addict. So like normally when I see somebody like, I'm like, okay, that's cocaine. That's heroin.

That's crack. That's Molly, whatever. I can, I can pinpoint what everyone's on this was like i don't know what anyone is on right now like i can't pinpoint what drugs are like in these people's systems and and it was bizarre because i was like doing my set i did 45 minutes and i was supposed to do an hour but at 45 minutes i was like well no is like, everyone's out of their mind. I was like, they think it's been three days. Like I could just, so, um, and everyone like, like the guy,

the CEO was like grabbing things from like next to the stage and like putting them in people's laps and being like, keep that there. Don't leave it. Like, and then like rearranging shit as I was on stage. And I was like, and everyone was acting like it wasn't happening. So I was like, okay, I guess we're supposed to pretend that this insanity isn't going on. I get off stage. He's got a three wick candle in his lap, balancing it on his knee, right? It's lit. All the wicks have fused together to create this massive flame and he's playing the side of it with two long barbecue lighters right just like playing

drums on the side of a lit candle with two lighters and i was like okay well this is bad i gotta get out of here you know what i mean yeah i said were like, you can stick around. And I was like, that's, that's all right. I'm going to, I'm going to go home. And I got my check and I just fucking left. But I walked in the house and I turned to Andy and I was like, and he goes, what was it? He goes, how was it? I was like, that guy's going to die. I was like, that guy is fucking like, you know, I've seen addiction and that's what it looks like at the very fucking end and um and then like two weeks goes by and i get this article from the one of the wrestlers right the wrestler that was there who was the only other paid entertainment and he uh and i i click i open And I click, I open the article and it's like former CEO of Zappos, Tony, she dies in house fire.

No way. Yup. And it was like, I was like, holy fuck. The dude who was playing the drums on the three wick candle. Burn that shit down. I look at the fucking, I look at the fucking picture of the house. And I was like, that's the fucking house. Wow. And the house was not, of the house and I was like, that's the fucking house. Wow.

And the house was not but the house wasn't burned like nothing had happened in the house. So I was like, the house looks the exact same as it did. And I was like, that's weird. So and then like more shit started coming out about it. And it turns out that he had locked himself in the shed and it was like seven days after i had done this gig but it was from candles and like nitrous like i guess he was doing a bunch of nitrous and fucking set himself on fire died nine days later from like the burns or whatever but the house oh so he survived and was like in the hospital for nine

days yeah and it was like oh my fucking god like i just i i remember being like thank fuck i got the fuck out of there thank god i got my check before that happened well yeah and you know part of me was like i probably should have asked for more money but um but like that is we we had a conversation probably a couple months ago about spontaneous combustion because some people believe in that and like no it's usually like some guy who's out of his fucking gourd playing with candles and set everything on fire and there's just no more evidence that's that's what happened here yeah i mean that is like it's so fucked up because these people have so much money and everyone around them is like you're such a genius you're such a genius and i was like this guy's a drug addict like he's fucking he's fucked up you guys are like

not saying anything because he's you're on his payroll but like you're you're a bad friend like you need to like help him money you know there's there's not a normal motherfucker who's like that rich everybody who gets that rich you got it maybe you don't maybe you don't die in a shed fire but right you you're not normal you know yeah i mean i was like this is fucking crazy what's what's the perfect amount of money how much money do you want if i could if you could have a certain dollar amount in your bank account right now do you want it to just be as high as humanly possible or would you like it kind of sounds silly but you know what i mean like do you want to be a billionaire would you actually want that or would or would you be cool with you know 50 million

100 million i mean i would love to be a billionaire i I'll give it a shot. Yeah, I'm not going to say no to it. You know, it's like if you could have the choice between you have $1 billion, but you are a CEO of some company. I don't know. So you're frontward facing. You still have responsibilities. It's high pressure, all that shit. Or you could live like you're you're still

like a comic but you've got like 10 million in the bank so you're 10 million 10 million is great yeah like you know what i mean you're still set and good yeah you know what i mean i mean again i would probably still give the billy a whirl but there's probably something to be said for just like you and you know you're you're you're very close ones or if you have kids are set and you don't have like the most pressure in the world yeah i feel like the problem with um that level of wealth is that it makes you feel invincible like it you know what i mean and i i get scared of my own ego like my own ego and the way that it would respond to having that much power terrifies me you know because i look what you did to me with our fucking scheduling today you were wielding an iron and ruling with an iron

fist over one little bit of power are you kidding me give rosebud a billion so it'd be like a dictator you'll run a whole country that was but that was also just because i like giving you shit over one little bit of power. Are you kidding me? Give Rosebud a billion, she'll be like a dictator. You'll run a whole country. Yeah, but that was also just because I like giving you shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? I know. There's like a part of me

that really enjoys just giving people shit. Well, I know. Think about that. So now you can give everybody shit if you're a billionaire. There's not like, you know, you walk into 99.99999% of rooms in the world

and you are the guy, the girl who can give out shit to anybody. Yeah, I mean. You hire 90s actors and you like hit that guy with a chair real quick. Right. That's the thing. And everybody would do it. Isn't that what David Arquette was doing at the party? Yeah.

Like David Arquette undoubtedly had to be there because he was once the WCW world champion. And they were like restaging that fight because why not? I do do feel I feel bad though because I know that they were like close and I feel like that was one of the last times that they like got to hang out you know like I DM'd David afterwards and I was like I'm really sorry for your loss you know and he he said the sweetest thing he was like I I really will never forget like what that night was like and how fun it was and i was like well i'm pretty sure you've already actually forgotten but also therein lies the pieces that you remember i'm sure you meant you know and i like but and i really thought he was can't if you can't see that that night is what led to the shed burning down, you were probably part of the problem. I feel, I feel really, yes. Yeah.

That's you're not wrong. Uh, but I also feel this like kind of, um, I just, I feel a lot of compassion for people like that because, you know, just cause I've gotten sober doesn't mean that like, I, I, I can still see why those people are in the place that they're in, because it's like they're still using drugs and alcohol. And so they can't see. It's not just that they won't. It's that they literally can't see what's going on, you know. And so I feel and there's a lot of people dealing with that right now with the fucking pandemic and everything like people are fucked up right now. They are. They're locked in their homes and they're they're the mice. They're the mice. They're trapped on the glue tracks.

Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a belief thought, but it's so true. That's what it's starting to feel like. And that's that's where, you know, like the shutdowns. It's like, I get it. But there are so many more implications that the people who are just like, well, you know, lives need to be saved.

So you have to shut it down. It's like there's a lot more to it than that, man it's a it's a complicated fucking tricky situation and i don't i don't disagree with anything that scientists are saying i know that what they're saying works but and if and at the same time it's not but but it's like and yeah i also know that people are really suffering and that they're sacrificing a lot of their well-being to benefit others. Well, also, too, it depends on like what kind of life you've lived is like, you know, being in clubs and in the night scene your whole life and in comedy and being and going through it yourself. You've been around it a lot. You've seen a lot of drugs. You've seen a lot of the bad side of things. When a scientist over here or a wealthy person who's lived –

they're like, why can't you just stay at home? Why can't we – what's the big deal? It's like you don't even know what that side, the other side of the tracks is like where it's not that easy to just say, oh, I'll just stay home. Right. It's like that's – the way that we make our money is crowds. Like we have to be.

And a lot of people in comedy, that's how they stay fucking sane. You know, like I I've one thing I've noticed is I was like, oh, shit. Like I I don't just do this because I love it. Like it fucking keeps me sane. Right. Tim Dillon was saying he like kind of swapped one addiction for the other where he just got up on stage, you you know a zillion times a week and if you don't have that yeah i'm i'm surprised that uh you or andy have not killed the other person yet

i'm waiting for the uh like murder suicide uh well at least we'll get on netflix couple yeah oh you guys you want to get famous and get your netflix specials and all that murder suicide just do it we just need one fucking documentary i don't care who has to die you know what i could what a sweet moment that would be is you two sitting there like flip a coin it It's like, sorry, Rosebud, you know, stab you in the face. Yeah. I'm like, well,

make sure the dogs are happy, you know, it's crazy. So, uh, as comedy central special, he says on the 23rd, right?

Yep. That's coming out on the 23rd on, uh, CC standups, Instagram. So it's a digital set. Um, and then, uh, I was a writer for Michael Chase new sketch show and that's coming out, um, later on this year, uh, actually probably in 2021. Um,

and then that'll be on HBO max. And then, uh, what else? Oh, find your beach podcast. You can listen to me and my white husband um i'm gonna start describing everything like that you i mean my white girlfriend all right well thank you so much queen for accommodating and gracing us with your presence coming down from your ivory tower. No, thank you guys for having me because you know that I texted you being like, when do I get to come on again? Yeah, you did. That's right. I want

that to be known. It should be known. You're right. No, but we always love having you. So anytime. I love seeing you guys. It's good that you're doing good and I hope that Fights gets out of his apartment before this is over. All right, Rosebud. I don't.

Keep him there. Just fucking keep him. See you later. Thank you, Rosebud. Great to see you. Bye. Bye. All right, big shout-out to Rosebud for telling that story

about a guy burning alive in a shed. Jesus Christ. I love that story. Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, John. John, do you know that was two weeks ago that was very recent that guy just burned alive really yeah oh yeah just and and nick says he saw her her story that night on instagram she was like this is wild david arquette's here and like

everyone's on drugs this is wacky and then a couple days later dude's fucking dead oh i do remember that story that's when she took a picture and like she was in the back seat and it was like crazy like this is weird and she was in the back seat. And it was like, this is weird. And she was like, she did clarify. She was like, just to be clear, it's not weird, weird. I've done weirder gigs than this. But it's up there. But it's odd.

For Rosebud to say that, she's seen some shit. I think she was just saying that I think people started to think, oh, she's in danger. She's like, I'm not in danger, but it's just weird. But's just weird it's wacky yeah all right let's talk to brian austin green now you've heard the name a lot in the news recently he's kind enough to sit down with us uh it's brought to you by the nitsa the uh national highway traffic safety administration the nitsa talking about their impaired driving campaign. Listen, you're a fucking asshole. If you're drunk driving, that should be, you know, when they say like,

like they have all their slogans, like if you don't click it, you get a ticket and like all those things. There should be one on the highway that says if you're drunk driving, you're a fucking asshole. There should be a new slogan. If you're drunk driving, you're, you're a selfish, you're a selfish bad person. Okay. I would love to say a lot more than that. I'd like to use a few more choice words, If you're drunk driving, you're a selfish bad person. Okay?

I would love to say a lot more than that. I'd like to use a few more choice words, but I think NHTSA wants to keep it clean. You don't need any of the corny slogans. If you don't click it, you get a ticket or whatever. It should just say, if you're drunk driving, you're a bad person. You're a shitty person, and you deserve all the worst things to happen to you in life. There's just no other way around it. It's 2020.

Come on. It's 2020. Get a Lyft. Get an Uber. There's so many other way around it. It's 2020. Come on. It's 2020. Get a Lyft. Get an Uber. There's so many other ways. Call a taxi. Do not be a drunk driver. Get an Airbnb and just stay the night.

Go to a hotel tonight and just crash somewhere. There's a million ways to get around needing to drive drunk. So the bottom line is if you've had a couple drinks, you're impaired. If you feel a little funny, you're impaired. If you even have to question it, I feel a little funny you're impaired if you even have to question it i feel like the moment you go like wait a minute have i that probably means it's too many i probably you know like if it's if it's like a sip or like a half a beer you know you're good anything to the point where you're like wait a minute should i should i not

you just shouldn't have a dd use any of the apps we just talked about find any other way to make sure you don't get behind the wheel. Because not only could you kill yourself, not only could you kill other people, but even if you just get pulled over, your life is ruined. You got to go to court. You got to spend money. You lose your job. You lose your friends.

You lose your family. You got a record. There's just way too many negatives for no positives. Best case scenario is just like, I get home. It's not even like you gain anything, you know? Yeah, there's much safer ways to do it. Especially the holiday season where, like, there are other people out there who might be drunk driving. Like, don't even want to be on the road with them.

Right. Be safe. Stay off. Right. So that's the move. Drive sober or get pulled over. If you feel different, you drive different. And so make sure you're not a

jerk this holiday season let's talk to brian austin green what's going on how are you did you grab me one too nick uh pin video how are you dude you know what i was gonna wear my uh my sweatshirt that you guys gave me oh yeah well hoodie it's all we wear man All I wear now is like my own Yeah you're way too dressed up What the fuck's going on You're way too dressed up What are you doing here Dude I'm doing this shit all day man

I got you guys I got like way more Fox shit I got all sorts of press Oh okay that was nice of you They were like you know They were like you you know, they were like, get dressed up for you. Right.

Sorry to burst your bubble. I was just watching on YouTube a compilation of you dancing in the 90s, my friend. And it's glorious. Fucking glorious, right? It's amazing. Yeah, yeah. Unbelievable.

90210. Yeah, no, I throw down. You've got the way too big baggy button-up shirt tucked in, and you're doing the vanilla ice MC Hammer type of dance moves, and it is fucking spectacular, absolutely. Doing like the Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer type of dance moves, and it is fucking spectacular, man. I think I had some dance moves from New Kids on the Block, too, that I still haven't. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. When you're doing a scene like that, is that – I mean, I would be so fucking embarrassed. You understand you're asking me a question like I just shot that scene yesterday and that was 30 years ago 30 years ago but in general I just want to make sure that we're clear

that you're on the right page that you're on the right that you didn't jump in your DeLorean and like go back 30 years to when the show was made no I just think like when I see those scenes where someone has to sing or dance or perform in some way and you know there's a whole crowd is you know your cameraman and everybody just being like okay dude like dance fucking sexy or serenade this person like

romantically and it's like you just just have to do it that seems impossible to me yeah it yeah it sucked it was uh it wasn, it wasn't natural at all. I like the most unnatural shit to do our love scenes with people because they're like, they're not people watch and they think like, Oh man, you got to make out with so-and-so. And it's like, man, I did that like 30 times. And it was like, they were worried about lighting and making sure the head's the right way. And you know, if we were doing scenes like in a bed, if you ever really look at them, like the pillows are all propped up in weird ways because you've got to make sure that you're seen by the cameras. Right. So unnatural.

So unnatural. I like how you both worry about the embarrassment for be it dancing or lovemaking. And I'm always just like, man, I hope they only have to shoot that once. Cause I don't have the stamina for a couple of scenes like that. Like if I got a hump you 30 times, guess what? I'm going to need a nap. My back hurts.

My knees are killing me. I really need to do this reconstructive surgery now. I need this fucking dripping sweat. Like you're making a little too real, John. Well, what's that like, though? You're not seeing my hair plugs, are you? There are definitely times, too, though, when you're watching a movie that's like, you can tell when someone's just kind of like, all right, that's a movie kiss.

And then other times they're like going at it. Is that like you have maybe like an agreed upon thing with the girl or the guy being like yo hey we're gonna go after this one or like how come sometimes they look a little real and sometimes they look very very unnatural i think uh i think that depends on the situation like if i was if i knew i was going to be doing a scene with somebody that's seeing somebody that like everybody knows about, then you, then you, you slow it down a little bit. But if, if not, you're single, you know, time to mingle, time to throw down. So whenever there's these like, you know, on set romance, I feel like that's, this is naturally going to happen, right? If you're like you're saying you're single, she's single. Like,

well, and people always ask me like, you know, why do you pick actresses or whatever? It's like, because that's the only place I go. Right. I don't, yeah. Where else am I supposed to meet somebody? If I don't go to bars that, you know, if I don't serve, my chances of getting attacked by a shark are pretty slim. So it's like, you know, that's of course I'm dating. That's the pool that I'm dating and I'm dating in the pool that I'm around.

That's what, that's what it is for me. That was like a viral tweet on Twitter the other day. Like reminder, like don't date your coworkers. And I was like, that's the only people I've ever dated. Well,

yeah, that's, guess what? That's the only place that I go. Exactly. That's literally, that's the, those are the only people that I meet.

And when I'm in public, I'm terrified to talk to new people. You have to be forced to talk to me in order to be remotely appealing. When I'm in public and I'm wearing this bubble costume, it's really hard to connect to anybody. So what's up with the masked dancer? I mean, obviously Mask singer had a tremendous success. And I, we also just watched a clip of you in that giraffe,

that giraffe fit when you were on the mass singer, that was super sexy clip of me in the giraffe. I bet all the girls were lining up after that one. It's yeah. Giraffe giraffes are a big buy this. I, uh, the show is really fun man i like i doing the doing this the the mass singer i hadn't really watched the show a lot before then and it's a really cool experience like being in being in the world of what I've done for so long, like I've been an actor so long, and I've been, I lost my anonymity so long ago that I just don't remember the point where

I could go into a store and not think, oh, at one at some point, somebody is going to go, oh, hey, there's the guy from whatever. So when you do a show, when you're a contestant on something like singer and you're in a costume and all of a sudden you have your anonymity back, um, it's a really cool experience and they, they do it really well there. Like they, there were only maybe four people that knew it was me in the costume. There was the music supervisor, the person that I was doing my vocal training with, the executive producer, and then the producer of this season of the show. Everyone else referred to me as giraffe. So like everywhere I walked, like on stages to do like photo stuff or whatever, they had only seen me in costume and I was only the giraffe. From everyone, like director everyone

was like oh hey giraffes here and i was like you know you're all of a sudden you're you can't speak right so you're just you're like you know a disneyland character you're like in costume doing all like the hand waves and the you know you're mining everything you can and uh it's like you turn into a furry yeah I love that you threw it back to furry. You just cut your listening audience in half. They were like, we have no idea what you're talking about. So, but it was cool. Like that whole, that whole experience.

So then, you know, dancer is that even more so. Like it's, you know, I had the opportunity to, I was anonymous, but because I was singing and doing all of that, you're still a little self-conscious of that. Because, you know, once you take off the mask, everyone's going to look back and go, OK, well, how was he singing? And like there's that connection. You're going to be judged by it. I feel like dancer is so much more anonymous. Like if somebody said all you have to do is show up in a car in like a costume and dance and do choreography, you you just get to the point where you completely let go because you have no insecurities at all. You just get to act like an asshole for an hour. To be clear, you're saying this because you're a good dancer?

Because I think a lot of fucking people would be very insecure about dancing. No. I know I would. If I had a mascot, I'd be like Frankenstein. Let's go, baby. But think about it though like on halloween when you put on a costume right you have tons of fun yeah because you're like i have a costume on yeah that's true you know and you even even these ridiculous costumes that you

buy at like costume shops that are like hey we're a ham and cheese sandwich you know and i'm with somebody else or yeah i'm mustard and you know he's ketchup like that's you you act like um like an idiot because nobody knows it's you they've got this little cut out of your face so it's the same kind of thing like to when we were when we were on the panel on uh on dance and we're trying to figure out who's in the costumes you know you've got, even though I'm confident as a dancer, I'm not a dancer per se. Like I'm not, I'm not used to being in like dance productions and being, you know, and having choreography done and all of that. Like I, I enjoy dancing, but you watch people and you go, okay, right away, you know, that's a trained dancer. That's, that's somebody that's a gymnast. That's somebody that's an ice skater. That's somebody that's a gymnast.

That's somebody that's an ice skater. That's somebody that's physically fit. That's somebody that's older and not. Like this is the first time they've done it. And so you start narrowing down the field based on that. At first I thought in my head like, oh, it's going to be really hard figuring out who's in a costume based on just dancing. But you actually can learn a lot by that. Like when you're forced to just focus on that,

there's a lot of information that can come from that. And there's, like we have this one thing on the show called Word Up, where the contestant, each episode, they give us a word. In the microphone, we don't alter their voice at all so and they say a word that's sort of a clue based on their lives so if you if you are really sort of um leaning in one direction towards i think it's this person then all of a sudden you hear him speak and it's obviously not that person's voice. Like, you know, you could think it's Mike Tyson the whole time.

And then you hear this dude talk with a bassy voice and you go, okay, that's not Mike Tyson. Right. All of a sudden you have to rethink what, you know, and they, and they, their, their word is Grammy. You're like, okay, well now right away, it's somebody with a deep voice. That's what that's either performed on the Grammys has won a Grammy, like has some connection with art form to it. It's like you're playing adult. Yeah.

It's like, it's like, yeah, it's really fun. And, and to be, to be a panelist, much like an audience member, the, the clue packages really, they really mean a lot and they're really well thought out on this show. Like we, as a panel, we did a lot better on this, in this first season than we thought we would. We thought it would be a lot harder than it ended up being because it changes the way you think, the way you see things, you know, it's like, this is deeper than I ever thought. Once you learn like what to look for and, and what things mean a lot, you can start watching

clue packages and like, it's sort of like if you're putting a fantasy sports team together and you know, like, okay, these are stats, but these are things that I look for. This dude is a really good runner aside from like what his stats are. So I, you know, I, okay, these are stats, but these are things that I look for. This dude is a really good runner aside from like what his stats are. So, you know, I want that, or I want, so when you start looking for those things with, with like, you, you have a finely tuned eye for it, then those little things really make sense. And I would start seeing people and go, okay, that's footwork that reminds me more of somebody that is from this line of work than this line of work. Damn, man. And then you start getting excited. Yeah. It gets really fun. I hope you get like a bonus if you get it right, because you are like, you're like Belichick out

here, like studying tape and shit. So that's, yeah, thanks. That's the thing though, that gets really, that got really fun about the show was figuring out like what is your lane and what isn't like you know when when somebody when their clues kept leaning and talking about or referencing tiktok i was like i don't even understand tiktok but but ashley tisdale that's her lane right you know, go for it, Ashley. Like I, I'm going to follow whoever you think it is, but this is somebody that this is in my lane. This is like, this is somebody in music or this is somebody that's, you know, in sports in, in the way that like, I see that, like, I, I really think that it's this person. And, and so people would fall. So we would follow each other. So it wasn't because you don't win anything.

You're not like, oh, I guess the most people. So I win a thing also. It's just like you feel cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So there's no ego really in that. I mean, you kind of feel like a moron if you don't guess one. And everybody else has. You feel like I really suck at this game?

Brian, I went my whole school career being the guy who didn't work on the group project. So I'd be just fine not contributing. You guys do the work. Yeah, you guys nailed it. Great work. My check still cleared? Whatever. All good.

I got a question. You keep the anonymity seems to to be a pretty important aspect here, and you mentioned it earlier how you kind of lost yours. What's the craziest thing you've done to kind of stay anonymous? And I ask that because when you mentioned how you lost your anonymity, it reminded me of Theo Epstein, the old Red Sox GM. And what he used to do was he would, when he realized that a couple or a family didn't recognize him in the street he

would just follow them home and he would just hang out outside their house because he was like at least these people don't know me and it feels good to be not known fucking he's an absolute lunatic so you ever following any children home, Brian? Yeah. Even if I did, I don't know if I would talk about it. I don't know. Anonymity. Are you ever in, like, he's also left Fenway Park in a gorilla suit. Like, he just had, like, I mean, he was the mask. He was the mask GM.

Yeah. And he just walked out amongst the people to get to his car. I would assume a really cool job to have at a stadium is a mascot. Like, that's got to be really fun. No way, dude. What are you, nuts? Just hyping up the crowd and then, like, go home. Stamina comes into play again here.

It's a running theme in my life, Brian. I don't have the energy for that. When they're doing the t-shirt gun and shit, I would love that. I don't mean the dancing, but just the blasting people. All right, the t-shirt gun, fine. That's a fun five minutes. The rest of the time, you're taking pictures, and it's either fucking drunk dudes jokingly molesting you, or little kids fucking pulling at your dick.

There's nothing fun happening here. People just grabbing at things. People treating you. That's why I was actually thinking while you were explaining how everyone just referred to you as a giraffe i'd have like an identity crisis i'm a man my name's brian stop i've earned this that was that was one of the funniest things when i went back to do um to do dancer was because it's majority of the same crew that does singer that that they kept for. It's the same stage and everything. So a lot of people referred to me as giraffe when I first got there and I would

get in people's faces and be like, Oh, I'm a person. Not anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Stop calling me giraffe. Like, all right pull out my wrestling voice we're gonna play a little uh answer the internet here with you we got hypothetical questions from our show over the years oh boy and the deep dark corners of the internet some philosophical all the burning questions yeah all the important stuff here we'll start off start off easy would you rather be half your height or double your weight you asked me ridiculous questions like

this yeah this is what we do here this is what we do here um so you're talking what like how tall are you my weight are you like six feet probably double probably double my weight because it could be you didn't specify fat or muscle oh if you if you go half your height you're kind of stuck but i could be just written like yolk and be doubled my weight dude if you put on your weight now in muscle you'd be a freak you would be you'd be blaine johnson yeah you would have to be like the right and and again so what's bad about that yeah you're right you're a negative in that right um whereas if i was if i was emmanuel lewis i might not have the career um would you rather go 50 years in the future or 50 years in the past.

50 years in the past is what? 50 years in the past. I know, it's not that much anymore. It's crazy. 1970. Yeah, 15 years in the past because I've been there. 15 years in the future scares the crap out of me. Oh, first of all, it's 50. 5-0.

5-0, yeah, 5-0. 5-0. Yeah, so we're talking 1970 versus uh 2000 yeah i'd still go in the past because i was born in 73 so you just get to live life again yeah you just get doubled up yeah but i get to start life but i get to start life now at this point where i'm not like retarded and learning everything yeah right yeah all that all that knowledge so you do that rather than just go get to see what happens in uh in the future i i have no interest in finding what happens in the future i mean it keeps getting worse all i know is like you know

elon musk is talking about us living on mars i don't want to fucking live on mars that was a question for i don't want to live in tunnels like under red sand. If they make commercial travel to space possible, let's say it's, you know, not- I'm not going. No. I don't want to go. I don't think I would go either. I don't even like flying.

I'm not, I don't need the- I'm terrified of space, man. Have you seen the movie, like, Gravity? And that space terrifies me. That whole, like, weightless thing and silent. No, thanks. Yeah, the silence would be weird i agree that that i'm good i love it i love the movies i love to think about and talk about it i

don't need to go there oh see i think that's that's the beauty of the movies would you go space station oh yeah would you really oh for sure what would you do just for the i don't want to go on a mission for like a year and a half where my dna comes back changed but the like i'd go i'd go check it out that's kind of part of the trip I was gonna say you know we don't you don't get to change you gotta know like your DNA is going to be changed a little bit yeah well that's fine if anything it can only get better like it's really it's only going up but the I I don't know I just like to check it out just see what see what space is all about. I'm surprised.

Like Kevin makes sense because Kevin doesn't like to travel much. You seem to me like a traveled man. I totally but traveled on this planet. You know, it's like you. You've probably been everywhere on this planet. Why don't you check out another one? I know. You do it.

You tell me all about it, man. Unless you say like, what am I going to do? You're going to plan a fucking Brian Austin green flag on the moon. Okay. I wonder too, like, unless they really, unless Elon and company make it, you know, let's say somehow they make it really easy because I'm sure astronauts hear these things and they're like, oh yeah. Like it's just gotta be pissed.

Like it's, you're just hopping on a flight to fucking dallas you have to like break through the atmosphere and you know you're shaking and sweating and you know all that it's not easy to be an astronaut folks can you can you imagine like being an astronaut during that time when it was when it was super fucking risky to be doing it real like just to commercially be able to do it now right oh yeah where you know did you buy your tickets to the moon i did right right i got it for my son for christmas i almost died test that's all yeah right i just need a negative coven test and i'm on the flight to the moon um all right can you can you still go to your barber if he's very racist like the whole like he's the best barber in the world your hair looks super racist the whole time he's complaining about jewish people black people he's like we

gotta take our country back just the most vile america first shit you've ever heard but when you walk out the door awesome you look awesome. My hair looks awesome. Everyone's like, wow, you got a haircut? You look amazing, dude. Can you do it? You look awesome. Your DNA has changed. You don't have to agree with the guy. He can close your eyes.

Most of the time you're at the barber they're saying anyway yeah most of the time you're just trying to ignore them it's the same thing no you you can't go to that fucking barber you gotta let that you gotta let that dream go man that's your your hair won't just you have to face the fact your hair is not going to be as on point, but you can't. That's, I mean, those, that's how you change things fundamentally, you know, is like by not going to that fucking barber, like until that barber has no clients and goes out of business. And then that's one less waste.

Yeah. You're changing society. You're right. Saving the world one haircut at a time. Yeah, totally. Would you rather lose half your dick's length or half your dick's girth? I swear to God you asked me that dick question last time.

I don't know. We got a lot of dick questions, Brian. There's a lot of them, bro. I mean, you know, you know what I always heard, which I don't know if, I don't know if I should admit it, but I always heard it's not how deep you fish. It's how you wiggle the worm. Who's more bad-ass James Bond or Jason Bourne?

Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne? Yeah, that's the right answer. I think it depends on what you define as badass, though. Like, James Bond, I mean, Bourne will fuck you up in close quarters. Yeah, Jason Bourne, he'll just fucking, like, hand-to-hand murder you. No doubt, but I'm saying if I were to— James Bond, like, has all the cool tricks and the cool stuff and all that. That's what I mean.

Like, badass to me also can mean he're not, he'll, he walks in, he walks into the bar, he gets his martini, he's hitting on the girls. He looks smooth. He looks suave. He can control the room. But is he James Bond when he gets home by himself,

when he walks back into his house? Right. How fucking cool is he? He's Jason Bourne is always Jason Bourne, but he's not cool. He can just fucking murder. It's not cool. He can just fucking murder. It's not cool.

The question, but that is kind of cool. It depends on what your, what your definition of exactly. Right. Right. You can be, you know, you don't have to murder people to be badass. Jeez. Who would win in a fight? I do. Yeah.

I guess. All right. Who would win in a fight? 10, 10 year olds or 100 100 year olds i would just love to see that fight you know who wins we do i would interview that all day long me too right that's like a heartbeat yeah that that that was the fight that was that's kind of like the fight that i heard about of you had there were like 20 little people and like 10 lions yeah yeah yeah that's in here too

somewhere who doesn't want to see 10 10 year olds and 100 100 year olds i'm taking 100 by the way i think everyone always takes the 10 year olds and i'm taking 10 year olds and 100 100 year olds i'm taking 100 year olds by the way i think everyone always takes the 10 year olds and i'm taking 10 year olds or not yeah but but the the 100 year olds would be so easy to hurt i mean like a 10 year old could run at 10 100 year olds and just like tap them in the knee like just hit them in the knee and it's like oh my knee you know and then it's like okay there's 10 down all it takes you need like one like world war ii vet who's like a hundred and he's still like i'm gonna kill off all you little snappin necks and shit like that you know all right right that that that 100 year old happened to be Rambo. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Right.

Like, you know, tying off, hiding in mud walls and shit. One on his face. Right. For $100,000, would you spend two days carrying around a human-looking robot and you had to introduce it to everybody as your girlfriend? Woo! I just, I swear your girlfriend. I just, I swear,

I swear. I just read this story. Have you, have you seen the story of the dude that's going to marry? Yeah. His doll is sex doll. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah. We dove deep on that one yesterday. Yeah. You're going to be that guy for a hundred K just for two days. This is like, this is my girlfriend, Komiko, but you got to think for this guy

i mean you know like for the famous people it's like tmz and the celebrity outlets are all like brian austin green's got a new girlfriend it's a doll you know what i would i would because i would donate the hundred grand to charity oh smart that would that would be that would be my fucking way of still being awesome. That's not a great loophole. That's a great loophole. Don't be jealous of the loophole that I found. You're just upset that you didn't find it. Well, if I'm going to do it, I want to keep the money.

It's not that I didn't think about charity. It's just I don't want to give it to charity. I need the $100,000. I need the $100,000. I earned that $100,000. I'm keeping it. But there's no loss if all you're doing is carrying around and introducing a robot as your girlfriend. If people know you're donating the money, there's no loss.

I carry a Starbucks cup from Starbucks to my car, and I get nothing for it but a cup cup of coffee. Like I, you're not fucking losing anything. Last one here. Uh, would you date your dream girl? If for two days, every week she had to dress like a juggalo and you get to pick which two days, which matters. You get to pick which juggalo in fact sure sure you get to pick her makeup and her outfit can i can i be can i be out of town on those days working she could be yeah why not that's what i mean green over here yeah look at the loopholes that i'm finding see how i'm doing this i gotta i gotta tweet the other day you know how everyone's showing their their wrap-up of the year spotify all the spot Spotify music they listen to? And this one guy, he showed me his top five, and it

legitimately had Jugg ICP in there. People legitimately listen to the Insane Clown Posse and the Juggalo music. It's fucking insane. I think it's pretty good rap, is what people tell me. No, it's not, sir. Have you ever listened? Yeah. Oh, okay. I haven't, so I was gonna

really go to war for the Juggalo. I don't know if I ever have either. I mean, I can't say I've given their album a listen, but I've definitely heard some insane Clown Posse songs and I've been like, this sucks. This is terrible. But I guess if you're a Juggalo, man, that Juggalo life. I mean,

so you're in on the Juggalo, you just ditch her two days a week. Like, see ya, I just have to travel for work. Yeah. All right, man. Well, we appreciate the time. Dude, it's so good seeing you guys again. Yeah, dude.

Always a pleasure, man. You guys are fucking awesome. Hopefully we get through this soon and we can do this stuff in person again. See that beautiful mug? Yeah, I know. This whole Zoom thing is crazy, right? It sucks. I'm over it.

But the novelty is totally worn off right you can catch him on the mass dancer on fox and uh we'll see you soon for the next project all right man take care guys thanks guys catch you later peace man i've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life in you. It's only like this is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life.

To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life To my life To my life To my life Yeah Uh huh Yeah

Uh huh Yeah Yeah Yeah