KFC Radio - Rosebud Baker, Paul Virzi, and the Rubber Pussy Bucket Cup

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review. -Feits is fired up about Serena Williams daughter being named part owner of a sports team -KFC is fired up over Twizzlers -Feits felt like a comedian this past weekend -AITA Thursday including "puking on a baby", "My Boyfriend's Leaving Me to Become a Monk", and "Birthday Suit in the House" -Voicemails include "Control dreams or sleep", "living in the middle of nowhere", "fake noise at baseball games". (01:15:45)Rosebud Baker joins the show! She educates KFC and Feits on diva cups and shares a WILD experience she had with one. We discuss creating comedy content in quarantine, mental health, and much more. Check out more of Rosebud here: Podcast (Find Your Beach): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/find-your-beach/id1502800211 Twitter: https://twitter.com/rosebudbaker Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/rosebudbaker Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rosebudbaker/ (02:05:55)Paul Virzi joins the show. We discuss drinking sneakin up on ya, touring with Bill Burr, and getting in trouble with Yannis Pappas after the two bought guns on a whim. Check Out more of Paul Here: Podcast (The Virzi effect): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virzi-effect/id436571427 Twitter: https://twitter.com/PaulVirzi Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXPqPQdJZO7AoU0C3oED4PQ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/paulvirzi/ Check Out More of KFC Radio Twitter: https://twitter.com/KFCradio Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/KFCradio Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kfcradio/You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's just a rubber pussy bucket cup. And you... I don't know why they call it the Diva Cup. They should call it the rubber pussy... The rubber pussy bucket cup is such a better name. Let's go. Press play.

I was going to come in hot too, but let's go. You coming in hot? We're both coming in hot? Yep. Mine's probably much less hot than yours. Let's go. KSU Radio, double coming in hot. What do you got?

I just saw this tweet as we were walking in here. Do you hear about the new women's soccer team in LA? What? No. Okay. Film me in. New women's soccer team.

For the MLS or some shit? Or whatever. NWLS, whatever. Yeah. This is the headline. Actress Natalie Portman, tennis star Serena Williams, and her daughter,

Alexis Olympia Ohanian, however that's pronounced, are part of a majority woman-founded group that will own the newest soccer team in the United States. Right. Now, I was like, fuck, that's like, time must have flown by because Serena Williams' daughter is young. No, it's the same girl. She's two years old.

Oh, fuck off. Fuck off. She's a two-year-old. She's a majority owner. And here are, fuck off. Fuck off. She's a two-year-old. She's a majority owner. And here are the other names. Fuck off. These are the other women who bought the team. Let me know if you recognize any of them.

Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Chastain, Mia Hamm, Joy Fawcett, Abby Wambach. Like, monster names got buried for Serena Williams' two-year-old. What does that mean? You bought the team. You're a baby! You're a fucking baby! You don't own a team, you're a baby! Honestly, I want someone to explain to me, what does it mean that Serena Williams' daughter bought a team? It means that Serena Williams bought a team, right? Yeah, I mean, you probably could do some shit

where you put a trust, yeah, you put it in her name, but it's like... But Serena paid for it! She bought the team! That's all Serena Williams' money! Or, I guess not, because Serena Williams isn't the breadwinner in her family yeah she's the fucking she's the peasant right like uh homeboys where it's all uh alexis ohanian yeah right well i mean obviously it's some sort of you know uh figurehead ish type of thing oh yeah but i'm but i'm wondering if it's even if there are if it's even possible or if she's just saying that or is there something like in the paperwork that's

like i mean she's an owner she she posts on instagram about it the two-year-old to her 600 000 followers oh my god i'm gonna chop my own head off right now like what if it says something my point being is there paperwork that says like upon 18 turning 18 she can like make decisions for the fucking blah blah but like i would guess no because if i was a fucking other investor i'd be like let's see how the two-year-old plays out before this two-year-old sucks i'm trying to find excuse me i just had a spicy salad it's it's like i was, I thought I was the idiot. And then I started lashing out because, like, no, I wasn't the idiot. I was the fucking right one.

You're the idiot. You're so stupid. The world is the idiot. For explaining it like that. Also, by the way, I think this whole thing is, like, how many, did they just pick every female, like, superstar in the world, and they all, like, pony up, like, five bucks for that? I mean, how much can a fucking women's soccer team cost i i feel like dave could buy that shit like cash in

his pocket right now that's true there i would i there i'm like there were some numbers i can look at i can look let's see i wonder because like if uh if you take you know what i heard to be upwards of like a dozen of like superstar females who all make a decent amount of money. They all, they need to put up, you know, a fraction of their net worth to get to own this team. No, they really aren't numbers. The numbers are really more about viewers and stuff like that.

It's a 22% increase in attendance since last year. And I don't know, it's a big league, but like, I don't know how big a league it is, but I mean, I can't imagine. It's a big league. I don't know how big a league it is. I can't imagine it's a crazy amount of money. I would imagine they both put in a little chunk of change.

By the way, I'm surprised by this. How much do you think an MLS, like a male team, costs? It can't be that expensive. Will Ferrell owns one. So you don't have to have billionaire cash. No, but how much do you think? Since you're asking, that obviously skews me.

I'm going to guess $150,000. $300,000. $300,000? Yeah. This was from Forbes. The average MLS team is now $313 million, up 30% from last year. That means the MLS is doing some things. I think

there's got to be... The MLS is still kind of a joke. I would imagine the female league is still just barely getting off the ground. It can't have cost that much money. Like you said, that didn't even list all the names.

It was like a dozen members of the U.S. women's national team. Yeah. Also, are you girls going to play on the team? Because you're pretty fucking good. Like Abby Wambach and them? Yeah. Like I don't know. If I bought a soccer team and was a world-class – I mean the reigning World Cup champion,

I'd probably be like, hey, guys, I'll get out there. You want to sell jerseys? want to sell tickets like we're gonna make money just by being like a popularity thing right forget about the uh i mean that is um that's infuriating all around that's bothering me like crazy all around but i guess that's what is it beyonce who like every um everyone on tour with her as a female didn't she do that once she had like a girl's tour it was like every dancer every everything so this is just i'm sure this is just going to be like top to bottom women fine i get it no babies no babies okay no children and not even you know not even we're not even talking about teenagers talking about babies an absolute baby who i mean can she speak English yet?

I mean, knowing the Serena and Reddit dude, he probably speaks like four languages. Well, I just don't even know when do babies start talking. Around two. They start babbling a little bit. Okay. So the answer to the question is no. By two, they're cooking.

He can just turn three, but he's been talking for a while. Really? Yeah, two. He's babbling. he's babbling. She's babbling. Not enough to be at a fucking board meeting for your new sports franchise. You're a baby. What are you hot about?

Something very different. Yeah. Twizzlers. Twizzlers. Garbage candy. Terrible. An absolute garbage candy. And I know that I hate licorice.

I know. Black licorice has no reason to be in existence. That is absolute and utter trash. For sure. Black licorice is like Honestly, red licorice doesn't either. But black licorice is like eating like tar.

It tastes like the ground. It's disgusting. But I saw a bag of Twizzlers. I saw the bag of Twizzlers out there at the front desk. I thought, that's crazy to have that. It's almost like we like to spit in the face of people who come to the office. Especially now. You're going to put your paws in there and grab some rope.

And your fingers are all over it. It's not like you can grab a little candy with a wrapper. We're talking raw dog Twizzlers. That's trash. And also probably not conducive to a pandemic. But I looked at it. And I know I don't like these. But I remember doing the Twizzlers that's trash and also probably not conducive to a pandemic. But I looked at it and I know I don't like these, but I remember doing the Twizzler straw.

I remember eating them here and there. Probably got them at a movie once in a while. Never. I thought that maybe this would be, maybe I would take a bite and be like, huh, I haven't had one of these in a while. And I took a bite. And I wholeheartedly regretted it to the point that it makes me question why these are even in existence.

It makes no sense. Why does licorice exist? I think it's something we do at Barstool. I remember before the pandemic started, we would have bowls of candy out there. And it was pure marshmallows. Marshmallows? Whatever they're called. Marshmallows? No, called the marshmallows no like the

candy it's like a malabar oh malamars yeah malamars i don't think we had malamars out there it was like one of one of those type candies and then it was just like in the same bowl it's like a lifesaver mint yeah disgusting it was it was just bottom of the barrel garbage candy i feel like if you work at an office if you're the receptionist the office manager whatever you know it's your job to maybe put some candy on that counter and i feel like what people do is they buy garbage candy for that yeah it's like you go to like garbage candy bowl.com it's like hey do you work in an office do you need a bowl of garbage candy to put out for your uh for your visitors here you Here you go. The strawberries that are wrapped up in a strawberry wrapper,

those are strictly. Those are good, though. Yeah, because you get the little goo inside, too. I couldn't tell you because I've never eaten one because I have self-respect. Because I have standards and I have a job. No, it's like a hard candy with a soft inside. That's disgusting. And that has never, but you have never eaten that anywhere outside of

just at a desk, at an office, right? Like in Nana's house. Fine, same thing. You're either 100, and that goes for Werther's original butterscotch, caramel, I actually like caramels, but those things are either for ancient people or shitty candy in an office.

And I feel like that's like they have a- And it's so easy. We live above a, Well, not live. We work above a Dwayne Reed. He just drags candy out there. Just get like... I prefer Milky Way, but I know it's not popular. Get like Snickers.

Get Snickers little, you know, the little square ones. Real simple game. Get some Hershey Kisses. There's plenty of chocolate out there. You know what I said to Enrique? I looked at it. I said, oh, Twizzlers. Like, I haven't seen that in a while.

And he was like, yeah, dig in. And I was like, I did. And then I should have walked back there and I should have slapped him in the face with this. I should have whipped him in the face with this licorice and said, what are you doing? This is a bad look for Barstool Sports. I'm the guy who was making terrorist jokes

a couple weeks ago and this is a worse look for Barstool Sports by putting Twizzlers out here. Christ almighty. This is. This. This doesn't even. This shouldn't be in existence, let alone. How about this?

Twizzler is like the Cadillac of licorice. Oh, yeah. Red Vines. What about the. I was going to say Red Rolls. Red Vines. Never had a Red Vines. I mean, that's like.

You know what? I will defend Twizzler on Like the stuffed Twizzlers. What's inside of it? You can get like a sour stuffed Twizzler. Well, then, yeah. It's just like you're changing the candy. Yeah, yeah. It's a completely different candy.

But I can fuck with those. The red ropes, red vines, is like eating a shoelace. It's like eating dental floss. It's like we took dental floss, made it a little bit thicker, and you're going to chew on that now. Disgusting. All around. Fuck babies who own sports teams. Fuck Twizzlers. Fuck licorice. Especially black licorice,

but red licorice too. It can all fucking kick rocks. Today's show is brought to you by Owens Mixers. Primarily the barstool transfusion, but Owens Mixers has it all. They got the mint cucumber lime mix, which I'll put in just about any goddamn thing. I'll just drink that straight up. Yeah, right? I don't even need to mix it up. I'll drink the vodka straight, and then drink the mixer straight. It's like Charlie Kelly.

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Well, that's what we're doing artificially with the fucking building. It's so cold in here. Every day it feels like you're going to Epcot and ride the test dummy ride. I actually haven't, but I know that they're cold as shit. It's like you get freezing cold and you're moving through and it gets to be like 180 degrees and like negative 50 degrees in like two, I mean, you're in there a very short period of time, and it's not like, the room's not on fire,

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Oh, this should be good. We did the helicopter ride. Whatever you're about to say, comedians are going to be so offended by it. All right, so I did that helicopter ride the other day, and my first time kind of being around complete strangers. Yeah, which is weird to think of it's like you know you would be around a lot of people at a bar or we would do a live show or you'd go to an event or something you've seen people but they're only people you know yeah and there are people in the room but like they're in their own conversations kind of deal like like a bar i would sit at my

table all that stuff but this is my first time being like i guess having an audience if you will and so they say sit us down probably probably like seven to ten people in the room. And you're watching like a safety video. Like you watched before like, I don't know, some ride. Seatbelt. Yeah, that kind of emergency. That kind of shit. And because I'm such an asshole, I was like making fun of the video and just saying things and interrupting the safety lesson to like point out little fucking jokes I saw.

And when I tell you I was killing the room, it is an understatement. I had like they were like tourists. One of this was this spiders actually walk around in the jacket right now. It's big pink jacket. One was a little Asian girl in like a big purple jacket and then shorts. And I was – Well, because, yeah, you're going to have to get some weird – you're going to get the tourists doing the helicopter rides.

You're going to get some lacos. You're going to get an eclectic mix there. Yeah, and it was just like – And Johnny's just laying in the room. I'm crushing it, Kevin. The video was – and like it was almost like they knew I was coming and they wanted me. They're like, we got to let this kid get his jokes off because they're showing you how to empty your pockets into a bin to store things safely.

Yeah. All that. And the guy goes, guys, stand there. It's only a shot of his waist or let's say belly button to upper leg. This is a dick. And he's like, you know, you guys are reaching his pockets. It's like keys in the jar, phone in the jar, wallet in the jar. He puts a clementine in there.

And I was just like, who the hell walks around with a clementine? And people were like, ah! You're like, don't get me wrong. I wasn't really bringing any material, but I was just saying something. And it made me just miss the days of, like, being, like, that dickhead in high school. And, like, being that dickhead in middle school. And being that dickhead in elementary school. Basically getting a captivehead in middle school. And being that dickhead down in middle school. Basically getting a captive audience that can't run away and has to laugh at my jokes.

I could comment all the time on teachers. And people would be like, oh, got him. Got him. Dude, I wonder if the rest of that room might have gone home and been like, I was around people for the first time in months. And there was this guy. He slayed, dude dude he absolutely killed it I don't even remember what the other ones were but they were like

three or four in a five ten minute video I had like three or four solid outbursts of laughter where I was like looking around like man yo that's enough to put you on cloud nine right there dude I was I was hired leaving that room than I was in the helicopter I mean that that is

that's like a Costanza scene from Seinfeld. I'm surprised you went on the... I would have been like, I'm out. I'm going home. You know what? I'm not even going to go in the helicopter. I'll be back for the 3 o'clock ride, and I'm going to do that. The 4 p.m. same as the 3 p.m. Let's do the Clementine joke. Let's run it

back. I got to refine my material. I got to work up my timing a little bit. Oh, man. I wish I remembered the other things, because again, they weren't like genius jokes but they were bars low right now the bars on the floor right now yo if we maybe we should get back out there and do some of these fucking uh you know uh driving shows and and and weird uh you know standing on a truck because people are ready to laugh at anything laughing at clementine jokes i mean it was absurd it was it was definitely one of those like he's just pointing out what everyone is thinking because yeah who just has a clementine in their pocket well maybe that's uh maybe that was intended maybe they're like you know we're gonna get we're gonna make sure these

motherfuckers watch well we'll watch and we're gonna spend the next 30 to 45 seconds laughing at that hysterical guy in the room who pointed out the absurdity of having a clementine in your pocket he was pretty handsome, too. He was well-dressed. This guy was just a superstar. I don't think anyone's ever fucking – I would posit to you that less than 1% of the population has ever put a clementine in their pocket. It's not a very conducive – even if you needed to, wanted to, it's like a bulging thing. And you're going to squish it.

You're safer putting an apple in your pocket than a clementine. Because it's just sturdier? Yeah. It's harder to get it in there. Clementine's borderline more dangerous than a grape. No, no. Well, grapes are so small, they're hard to break them. Well, clementine has a skin?

I wish we had a clementine right here. I'd just try and break it. Yeah, it has a skin. I wish we had clementine right here. I'd just try and break it. Yeah, it has a skin. Yeah, you just squeeze it. Is that what it's called? A skin? You peel. You peel the skin.

You peel the skin? Yeah. I don't fucking know. I don't know either. Clearly I'm not a big fruit guy. I haven't had many clementines in my day. Clementines are fire. Yeah, no, I mean, I guess I've probably had more clementines than any other fruit.

Because I'm such an addicted personality that I'll sit there and eat 17 clementines. Well, there was a few things in life that I, you know, when you grow up, like, you mostly eat, like, what you only eat, but your parents get you, really, you know? And then when you're, like, you know, you start to get your own taste. But really, when I went to college was the first time I started to, like right i'm gonna go grocery shopping for my dorm or whatever and like i'm gonna buy what i want and clementines were like the thing that i was like i've never had one of these and i get them in like the bag or the box you know what i mean whoa jenga wow i don't think you could hear it on our mics, but yeah. Holy moly.

That was a big Jenga moment. And then it just cut off. It must have been like a hoot and holler. Anyway, I bought Clementines to me was like the first thing that I was like, I'm going to be a Clementine guy now. I got that. I had the weirdest things in my mind, like Febreze. Never had Febreze in my life until I got to college. I was like, I'm going to fucking get Febreze. I've never been a

Febreze guy myself. Never? Don't use it in my house. Didn't do it in college. Now, I mean, the classic thing, like when I smell Febreze, I just think of a shitty dorm room. When I smell Febreze, I smell shit covered by Febreze.

It's like, it's not a good smell. It's like when I smell fresh linens now, I think of someone just took a big shit, you know? Oh, okay. I think they're like actually a fresh bed. You mean like a Febreze bed? I'm saying Febreze room. Febreze room. It's like this is just like there's so much shit on the floor here.

Is that why you're trying to cover it up? But Clementine's, I tried to like make a fruit that I like. If I had to pick a fruit, what's your favorite fruit? I don't really care for fruit much. Me neither. I'm not a fruit duo here. If I had to, probably a strawberry. A watermelon for me.

Chocolate covered. Yeah. If I could get it done that way on a stick. What's the difference between a clementine and a tangerine? Don't know. Isn't there another one, too? I was going to say macadamia. It's not macadamia. Yeah, like a mandarin.

Yeah, mandarin, clementine, tangerine. You guys, you know, you got too many names. Get under the same fucking umbrella. Should we do a little Am I the Asshole? Let's fucking do it. Let's fucking am i the asshole today um nope i might have a couple uh liked we'll see am i the asshole today is brought to you by cuts clothing i just got uh another package of cuts sent to my house i got uh you know what i like about cuts the names of the colors. Like they had a shirt that was called, the color was Nine Iron.

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All right. I think I got one here. Hit me. Am I the asshole for throwing up in front of the kids when forced to babysit? Throw away because this is embarrassing AF. Hopefully nobody will, nobody breathe a word of it outside the, except for this post.

It's one of the top posts on. I don't, I don't understand the people like, we're like shit. That went viral. That's what you're trying to do. Isn't it? Right.

Well, I think you're really just trying to get your question answered, to be honest. Yeah. Well, then you shouldn't fucking track it once you get one answer deleted. Yeah, right. It's like enough people have weighed in. Now we're done. I, 18-year-old female, live in a rather small house with eight other members.

With eight other members. My parents, my younger sister, older sister, her husband, and three kids. Five female female four male two male babysitting my little niece and nephews and my sister and brother-in-law work is one of our common duties besides housework it is usually me and sometimes my younger sister it's not so bad once you're used to it last week i was feeling terrible nausea dry throat stuffy nose i took a day leave from my school and kept to my room however in the afternoon my mother woke me up from the nap and asked me to watch the kids while she got out to got out to buy something i told her

that i was feeling terrible but she insisted saying that i i should have been sleeping the whole morning and should have some should get up some pressure that she's not a good writer uh unwillingly i had to pick up my youngest nephew and try to encourage him to play toys while the other two play with themselves nearby my head was spinning but i had but i thought i had just gone i thought i'd just go back to bed when my mother comes back it was fine for a while until i accidentally let my nose too near his it was fine for a while it was fine for a while until i accidentally let my nose too near his head his head was terribly clean smell for a reason oh come on man like help me what despite his head. His head was terribly clean smell for a reason. Oh, come on, man. Help me out here. Despite... His head had this

terrible smell for some reason, despite looking very clean. Anyway, the smell triggered a gag reflex, and after a brief blackout, I threw up all over the toys. The older two started shrieking, and the youngest one, amused by the condensal, kicked the toys and spread the puke further. Oh, boy. Sorry to get it myself here.

I was gonna say. This one. Sorry to get it myself here. I was going to say. This one hits close to home. I was busy giving the youngest one a shower when my mom came home and my father, sister and brother-in-law all did too. Everyone saw what went on. The other two kids were throwing up themselves for some reason. Anyway. I'm picturing the

Family Guy episode where everyone's just puking on everything. Anyway, I don't really remember much details of the later parts besides passing the toddler to my sister, took a shower myself, went back to bed. Somebody other than me cleaned up the mess. My mother was convinced that I did this on purpose to spite her for babysitting. My sister and father were more horrified that I passed the germs and virus to kids by being sick. My younger sister blames me too because after that incident, all the babysitting jobs went to her instead. All I could use to defend myself was, hey, I never asked to babysit, which apparently was the wrong answer too because it means i don't like my niece and nephew this is kind of a bad one

i'm sorry for wasting everyone's time um edit thanks for the concerns this all happened last week and i'm fully recovered however after this incident the family has been more skeptical with me and handling the kids thus most of the jobs go to my sister also for info my sister was pretty upset at my mother too because she disagreed with the idea that i could pass the virus especially that virus but also on me because i don't i don't know i don't know i apologize i don't know that one's i you're not the asshole for getting sick i don't think um well it's tough right now to be thrown up on kids if there's ever been a time in human history you don't want to be puking on people, especially children. But you're like, I mean, that's not what the sickness is. Right.

I'm just saying. You know what I mean? When everyone's worried about germs and you're puking on kids, that's going to be, you know, hey, will you babysit my kids? I puked all over them. Not going to go over well. But if I, will I babysit your kids? Like, no, I'm sick. Babysit my kids.

Fine. I guess I will. Guess what? I got fucking sick by the kids. Yeah. Oh, I didn't realize. Okay. I thought this was more of like a gag reflex thing.

This is just, she's sick and it triggered it, but she's puking because she's sick. Yeah, she's taking the day off from bed. If she's taking the day off from school. You cannot ask someone to babysit your kids when they're like, I'm sick, I can't do it. And they're just like, no, you got to do it anyway. You got to do it. I mean, that's.

You know what you do. I mean, you should throw up on them on purpose. Right, that's what I'm saying. I told you this was going to happen what you do. I mean, you should throw up on them on purpose. Right. That's what I'm saying. I told you this was going to happen. If you did this on purpose, you wouldn't have been the asshole. Right. That is... And you know what?

You never have to babysit again. Yeah. This is a pretty huge win for you. I would preemptively do this. Next time someone asks me to babysit, I'd be like, sure. But here, your kid comes home covered in puke and like he's bleeding and drunk. Is it?

I don't fucking know. I don't even know. We were all just puking on each other. Told you I'm a bad babysitter. I don't know what to tell you, man. No, but you kind of are the asshole for puking on kids just in general, but you're not the asshole. If you were drunk, you're the asshole.

You're sick. I mean, I don't know. People who are sick get sick sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. What was it though? She smelled his head? She had his head had a terrible smell for some reason. Sounds like you just hate children.

The scent of children making you puke. I do think that's one of the stupid things that people insist is true. Like the... What, the baby smell good? Like the baby's head smells delicious or whatever it is. You know what it is? Babies usually smell like baby shampoo. It's like you give them a bath and they smell clean

because it's fucking Johnson & Johnson. It's not that baby itself smells good. Anyone who gets into smelling things are so weird to me. People who like smelling dogs' feet, they smell like Fritos. You ever seen that? People like that? My college roommate kept doing it. We got a dog and he just kept smelling

our dog's feet. It was so fucking weird. Yep. It's psychotic. It's psychotic. You take the paw, like the bottom of the paw. Yep. I can't believe you never heard of this. Never even.

Yeah. Never even encountered this. And like, I see, but basically crazy dog people do that with their dog's feet. And then crazy baby people do it with their baby's head. And I'm always just like, what the fuck is wrong with all of you? Just stop smelling. Like, those are both fairly intimate things like a baby's head and a dog's foot or just like i don't know but i but i really do believe that like i think that the baby smell is going to come from seriously soap and baby powder and that kind of shit baby wipes

the dog's paws they dogs piss on their own feet you ever see the dog do that oh yeah they lift their leg and there's a puddle that runs down the sidewalk and just runs all over their paws they're in dirt and shit and ground and you smell the bottom of their paw and it smells like fritos fritos they say yeah i believe that's what it is yeah i know i i never smelled it i don't like fritos couldn't even tell you what they smell like. Corn chips. That's not that good of a smell. No, it's not a smell worth seeking out.

And it's certainly not worth putting your nose to a dirty dog's feet. No, it's fucked up. It's fucked up stuff. I've never seen this. If you do this in front of me, I'm not letting that slide. I let everything slide. You smell a dog's bottom of a dog's paws in front of me. I'm calling you out as a fucking weirdo.

That is... I definitely do. I'm like, what do you do? Yeah. Bizarre behavior. This is a relationship one. 22-year-old female, 24-year-old boyfriend. My boyfriend has left me to become a monk.

Oh, boy. That's a tough one. I met my boyfriend over a year ago. He's funny, good-looking, kind, incredibly intelligent, love him very much. We never had any issues. He listens to me, understands my problems. And when he doesn't, he tries as hard as he can. We care for each other deeply.

He's always been a very spiritual type of guy and really interested in history, which is what his bachelor's degree was in. Catholicism and monasticism. I don't know if you say that, but yeah, always thought it was a curiosity touch of sentimentalism. A lot of big fucking words here. He would also talk about his dislike of the material world, a belief I would share,

but you know, to some extent, both of us are left wing. He would, but he would sometimes say things like to suffer is noble. And he would talk about how honorable and fulfilling he thought a monastic way of life must be because you're following in the footsteps of Christ. Again, I dismissed it. I thought of it as, I mean, come on, romanticization.

This is like thesaurus.com. And I just thought he was studying medieval history, whatever. Then about a month ago, he told me he was going to join a monastery and become a Franciscan. This came as a complete shock to me. I really don't know how to process this. I've been talking. I've been trying to understand it, trying to talk to him. I tried explaining how heartbroken I am.

He said it was more important to separate himself from material desire in the monastery. And she's saying should i be happy for him uh i love him but uh not really sure what i what my what advice i'm looking for here it's just that i don't know how to deal with this that is a shot to the ego why i disagree because i think people who like are do it they're just. They're just so crazy. So it's like – Yeah, it's not like her fault. But okay, this is like – this is what girls do. Guy can't get his dick hard.

It's me. It's like no. It's just my crazy brain. Guy wants to leave for the monastery. It must be me. No, it's his crazy brain. Yeah. But I would imagine that girl is sitting there thinking like

you could have a normal life with me where we have sex and we hang out and we go out to dinners and we spend money we eat food we buy nice gifts we could do all those things and you're just like i'd rather just live like in a fucking cave dude let's first of all this guy's the asshole because he says things like to suffer is noble or whatever What a brainwashed like, that's basically the cornerstone of every religion So, but I mean

how fucking stupid do you have to be to just sit around suffering your whole life and blaming yourself for your whole life and saying how shitty you are because of the salvation in the magical land after you die? Fuck off i don't think there's much suffering in a monk in a monastery i i i've you're a borderline monk by the way i i used to always joke in high school because there were monks all over campus i was like dude if things don't go right in my life

i'm coming back here and fucking living like a mom i mean let's think about like wait let's break it down i mean they just drink all day and smoke cigars all day and watch the games with the boys at night. It's a pretty fucking good time. That's what they do, but that's not what you think of when you think of monks. Right, but as someone who's lived it, I can tell you it's pretty good life. They're always drunk? They're always drunk? They drink all day.

I mean, some are sober. Some take vows seriously. And others are like, yeah, have a glass of They're always drunk? They drink a lot. I mean, some are sober. Some, you know, take their vows seriously. And others are like, yeah, have a glass of whiskey, walk around campus, smoke a cigar. I think those are just bad monks. Yeah. But you don't have to be a great monk. All right. But let's say we're talking.

Live for free. Just fucking wear dope dresses all the time. Comfy as hell. And then, like, I don't know, just really. You maybe got to teach a class. Okay. But what makes, like, you say that about monks. But know just really you maybe gotta teach a class okay but what makes like you say that about monks but if i told you go be a priest you'd be like nah a priest probably not and also like the same shit my thing priests are drunk and gambling and fucking you know they got all the other vices yeah i guess i guess they don't get to live on

like a nice campus like this like like this is like a beautiful campus we get to this like hang out by the water and shit like that got great amenities everywhere yeah yeah i don't want to live in some shitty room in the back of the church but like if i can get a dorm rectory bro the rectory sucks fuck the rectory the rectory is trash it's like here's a uh shitty dorm room for these grown-ass adults we're not gonna let you fuck we're not gonna let you have any money and we're gonna throw you in this like shitty closet of a fucking life oh terrible have i ever told you about the time my buddy went running through the rectory no all right so this is uh my friend chris and he was he was in middle school is it dead chris yeah and he was in middle school and uh was doing the um passion of the Christ play.

It was like Easter or whatever. Yeah. And he was a Roman soldier who was tasked with carrying Jesus down. And it was his buddy who was Jesus. And he kept fingering his buddy's ass. So like dead Jesus is coming down the aisle. And he keeps bouncing up and down. Eventually, Chris, as they get to the altar

puts his finger so far up his ass that he just jumps out of the thing and so the priest gets pissed and starts running after chris chris runs away into the rectory grabs one of the microphones from the priest's hide in the closet and i get the microphone just hanging and he just turns it on, and he's going, breaker, breaker, one, nine. And he's running around with multiple adults chasing him as he just screams. And he finally gets outside, and he starts going, this is God. You must repent your sins. He's, what, like 13 years old?

Yeah, his dad was like, worst Easter ever. See, if my kid ever does some silly dad, if Keegan's ever doing that, it's going to be tough for me to put my parenting hat on. That was the funniest shit I've ever fucking seen, man. By the way, I'm watching you drink this. What an illogical box. You're like turning it sideways. Look at

that. If you're watching on YouTube, Bites is drinking water out of a carton and you gotta turn your whole fucking... It's because we don't have any goddamn water in this office. I know. Twizzlers! Fucking Twizzlers! We don't have any goddamn water. But, okay,

let me go back to monks. Let's talk about if we're talking Dalai Lama like serious monk. You don't really like to fuck. So, vow of chastity, no big deal. Knock that out, no problem. I believe the whole thing about monks

not talking is a little bit overblown. It's like they talk when they're allowed to talk. Oh, they talk all the time. But when you do do the vow of silence, which is a thing in some monasteries, I think it's like outside of when you're doing a mass or whatever it is they do, which is the podcast. You don't talk outside your podcast. No, and also they talk outside the podcast, outside the mass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what I'm saying? That's like the idea behind it. It's like you don't have to fuck. You don't talk. All you do is talk during a podcast and then otherwise you're silent. You don't be around other people. You're like completely secluded.

And they I feel like monks are very like if I fucking you know if I die I die. Right. It's very like nihilistic. It feels like I believe in the afterlife. So like I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, you are a monk. I'm pretty close to a monk. You're a modern man monk.

Okay. Triple M over here. I'll wear that for sure. Yeah, you should start wearing robes. Good. That is a nice sweet spot I live in. I'm going to start wearing robes. You really could.

We all could, by the way. Especially, I think the whole world can right now. If you go back to the to life not dressing like you used to i think there's gonna be some people that do well if i come in just in like fucking like a blue robe with like a red sash on it like you know i love that you just went blue and red well i was like i think like you know oh oh like navy navy and red okay i was thinking like like royal blue and red like just some wild shit. Like a 1970s Phillies uniform? Why don't you do it? I guess it would be maroon.

I don't know. If you go robed, I'll go robe with you. I just don't want to go shopping for them that many robes. I like to wear pants sometimes and shirts sometimes. Don't be a pussy. I'm not going to commit to a full robe. I might pop in a robe one day, but I can't commit to full robe life. I don't even have a robe

at home. You wear robes and stuff. I't i wear clothes like right now i mean i wear i've been wearing barstool indoors and um i got like some just comfortable hoodies i just had like my sweatpants and sweatshirt rotation going i don't even know where my robe is what i have is i have those half robes they're just hoodie jackets that stop at my waist. I wear those all the fucking time. But I've been hesitant to bring it out in real life. And I think I just might do it. I'll support you. But you won't do it.

I don't know if I'll do it. I'm not a robe guy. I'm not even a robe home guy. I can be a robe road guy without being a robe home guy. Yeah, I'm just saying you can embrace the monk life. You can go full monk on them. You can dabble. Dabble in the monk world. Let's do one more.

Am I the asshole? We'll get into our voicemails. Let's see what we got. All right, we got one here. Am I the asshole for walking around my house naked? My girlfriend works mornings, so I have the house to myself. And what do I like to do? I like to walk around naked.

My girlfriend and I are the only two people who have the keys to the house, but she has a habit of lending her key out to friends. I don't have a problem with that. My only problem is that she doesn't tell me when she does it. So one morning I'm walking around naked and I hear somebody open the door and I think it's my girlfriend home early, but instead I see one of her friends and I ran to the bedroom to put some clothes on. We had a laugh about it, but my girlfriend got pissed when my friend told her and when her friend told her and joked that I had a nice ass. My girlfriend snapped at me later and told me to stop walking around naked,

and I told her that if she would tell me that she lent out the key to anybody else, I would put some clothes on before they come. We agreed. I kept walking around the house naked because it's my house, and I have the whole place to myself. Guess what happened door open one day and her friend same one came on in lol so yeah my girlfriend is pissed that it says that i'm the asshole but she would have but if she would have told me that she lent the key out again her friend wouldn't have seen me naked again so am i the asshole yep he's the asshole yep i think i think people who walk around their house naked are just fucking unnecessary dickheads

there's no I remember like hearing one time when I was young that it's good for your self confidence and self esteem to like embrace your body and walk around the house fuck that man it's disgusting walking around your house naked if you're ever going to have people over

if you're just some fucking loser who just lives in solitude fine walk around naked if I'm coming over and sitting on your couch I don't want your fucking asshole to be on the couch If you're ever going to have people over, if you're just some fucking loser who just lives in solitude, fine. Walk around naked. Forget the shit. If I'm coming over and sitting on your couch, I don't want your fucking asshole to be on the couch. That's my couch. Yeah, I know.

But, like, it just, I don't know. I'm not a big naked guy either. But you got to be, in order to be walking around naked, you got to be hot as fuck. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, I mean, you have to have, because even hot people are insecure with themselves, you know? Yeah. So for you to be, like, confident in your own naked body, you must be a fucking undeniable, like, 10. But here's my thing.

You ever just sit down naked? Disgusting. Like, just, like, see what you see? Like, oh, oh, oh, yeah. I mean, that's the definition of, you know, Seinfeld, good naked and bad naked. When you sit, I mean, when I stand up, I do not like my naked body. When I sit down and this shit bunches up, hangs forward and shadows and lights.

Even people who just hang around the house shirtless. Like, if you're not in a fraternity, you shouldn't be hanging out in shirtless. Yeah, I'm firmly clothes on. You don't have the looks for it. But this is not even, this is about this is jealousy. This girl's friend said

he has a nice ass and she doesn't like that another girl saw it. I don't think this has to do with like naked etiquette. I think this has to do with like competitive girl bullshit. But like that's how old did they have ages in it? I don't think it did. Because that's some fucking 20-year-old bullshit.

If my friend saw my girlfriend naked right now accidentally, I'd be like, yeah, I don't know. You came in the house, made a mistake, it's funny, whatever. To get actually jealous, like, how dare someone else see your naked body? Yeah, no, I'm with you. But girls get kind of competitive about that. They get jealous. I mean, I think guys are the ones who technically get the jealous ones. We murder over it.

Well, we just have the ability. Girls would murder. Girls would absolutely murder. Well, girls can murder. Yeah, but it's harder for them. It's harder. You've got to carry out a plot. Guys can just murder in the moment

moment of weakness crime of passion boom you're dead a girl has to like poison you or like wait till you're asleep and like you know it's got to be uh by the by you yes you're officially saying you're right it would be easier for me to murder somebody but like i just also think i think guys are historically the more crime of passion guys girls might silently not crime of passion but just like the anger over someone else seeing like how dare that someone saw your body or whatever like that's a guy thing but okay i think no no i think jealousy is both it It's both sexes. I think girls tend to be more. I don't know. I guess guys get jealous about girls.

I think girls get more competitive and jealous with other girls and shit like that. Maybe more insecurity than jealousy. Yeah. Okay. But I do believe that you're going to see more like girls will like plot and scheme and scam and like fuck with you. And guys will just like, you know, like, plot and scheme and scam and, like, fuck with you. And guys will just, like, you know, kill you. So the statistics are going to be skewed.

Girls are feeling it, too. They're just like, well, all right, I'm, you know, 5'2 and 110 pounds, so I have to, like, go home and, like, cyberstalk you and ruin your life digitally or something like that. You know what I mean? Whereas guys will just be like, you looked at my girl or you looked at this other guy. I'm going to stab you. You're fucking dead. So you say this guy unequivocally. He is the innocent one.

Or he's guilty. I think he's an asshole. So if it is, am I the asshole? Then yes, you are. But in this situation, you're right. But I just think someone who walks around the house naked is an asshole. This poll, I've never seen this in my entire life on Twitter. 12,000 people voted, too. So this is like a sizable vote they did uh they didn't do assholes so it's a little bit skewed they did innocent and guilty they voted that he was innocent what do you think

the numbers were i have never seen anything like this 991 98 2 wow 98 2 no he is like he's definitely innocent in the situation no doubt like his girlfriend he's definitely innocent in this situation No doubt I just think people who do that are assholes His girlfriend should let him know But I think That's a personality trait of someone who's an asshole

Alright so I mean final answer You're kind of a weirdo And an asshole if you walk around your apartment naked Because it's just like who the fuck do you think you are but if you just keep giving keys to random people who gets to walk into your apartment i mean maybe yeah maybe i'm not naked but it's also weird if i just have other people who are not my my girlfriend or roommate walking into my apartment right you're an asshole for doing that you're an asshole for for jeopardizing my safety yeah and my my privacy like maybe i'm not walking around naked,

but what if I was jerking off on the couch? You know? I had a moment the other day. I think I... Did I say this on the podcast? No, I said it on CCK. So I got a Roku, and I'm adding all these apps.

And I was like, I could put Pornhub on here. So I searched, and there's no Pornhub. Then I Googled it. I was like, there's got to be. And it's like, you have to go in. It's like a hidden in it's like a hidden it's like a hidden app yeah you know and so i downloaded it i put it on my roku watch the porn on my tv and then i was like i gotta delete this like if i'm

you know someone ever comes over and i'm like here you know but here's the roku remote and it's like netflix hulu amazon prime ph know, big fucking orange and black. The jerk off on the TV is too much too. I found it was pretty enjoyable. But it's like I just – it's not too much, but it's just like I'm used to how to scroll on phones and laptops. I imagine the scrolling experience is a whole new one. And Roku does this like –

Oh, yeah. It makes this noise and like and you know it didn't have my recommended and all these things it was um but you know it was popped up there on like a fucking 65 inch screen that's a plus buddy it's a fucking 300 inch screen the face you just made you made a face like a big dumb special ed kid and then and then sometimes oh boy when it clears the black and you can like there ends up being like a dark scene or something like that and you can just see your own face oh that's tough literally talking about take a look in the mirror, you know? Oh, my God almighty.

As you just did that, by the way, I think, you know, next Tuesday, we're going to do top five gifts of all time. Gifts? Yeah, because it made me think this is a spoiler alert for what one of my picks is going to be. The dude who's saluting, and it looks like he's jerking off because he's waving the flag. So fucking funny. So good.

I forgot about that one. I mean, that's just pure internet sanctity. All right. Voicemail time. Then we'll get into our interviews. Voicemails are brought to you by Manscaped. Are you prepared to unveil that summer bod? I am not. But not for manscaped reasons

but like it would be more disgusting if i didn't manscaped if i didn't manscape and that's where i would imagine most of us are at you know how about the fucking zach efron shit oh that was some bullshit calling zach and they had a picture of zach efron during baywatch which is when he admittedly was like i was on steroids because i got out of rehab and was like working out too much yeah when he was like i mean disgusting he's like and was still miserable right right and i still hated every second of it and then there was the after picture was him in a more recent movie or his tv show whatever uh and he's still chiseled. He just has some chest hair. And they said, look at Zac Efron's dad bod.

It was a tough, tough headline. I mean, if that's a dad bod, I am like a dead great-great-grandfather bod that's decomposed. Zac Efron's going to be a grandfather. He still won't have a dad bod. No. Zac Efron's never going to be a person with a dad bod. He could sire like 70 kids. People still use fucking dad bod. No. Zachary Frost is never going to be a person with a dad bod. Zach, he could sire like 70 kids.

People still use fucking dad bod. I know. Get out of here. That dad bod died with Jason Momoa when they were like, Jason Momoa's got a dad bod. That was so fucked up. No, he doesn't. God, you're going to start defending the honor of fucking jacked men. The dad bod is Leo.

That's like the, if you want to make like a, like I would still, I would like Leo's body too. But if you're going to talk about a celebrity who was kind of like, oh wow, he's a little bit, a little bit doughy. It's Leo. Right. Everyone else who has like muscles and abs and shit. You have any definition. You're not a dad.

You don't have a dad bod. Fuck off. But Efron had a little, little chest hair. They look great. It was like trimmed. That's what you can do with the landscape. The lawnmower comes with like the clipper. So you can shave it all the way down or you can, you know, I think there's three settings. So you can have it the man has the the lawnmower comes with like the clipper so you can shave it all the way down or you can uh you know i think there's three settings so you can have the different

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like feel good oh if you could give me that control when I fall asleep and when I wake up, I'd be a different person. OK, now I agree. And it's wild to me that one of like the major problems when, you know, whenever we talk about these things, like, why didn't they teach us this? And why didn't they tell us about that? Like letting letting people know that when you become an adult and it's, it's like an adult adult, I think you gotta be like 30 plus that sleeping is going to be hard. Like what? I did not. I was not prepared for that. I remember being like, who needs Ambien? Like, just close your eyes,

go to sleep and be good to go. And it's like sober sleep. Natural sleep is a thing of the past for your boy. And I just want my body to stop. Just stop my fucking wheels from spinning. Just go to sleep. Get some rest. And wake up in the morning. And I can't do it. And so then I take Benadryl. I smoke weed.

I do melatonin. Then I'm groggy. I'm doing edibles. The whole nine. And then you're a wreck in the morning. So yeah, to be able to be like, go to sleep right now. Wake up right now. You always feel good.

And I would do it at 10 p.m. Because I know I'm not doing anything anymore. I know I'm done for the day. But I know I'll also sit there for six more hours and watch tv yeah so i just be like asleep bam bam because i like last night i had it again where it's like it's basically a weekly occurrence for me now where i just don't go to bed that night and basically i pull an all-nighter i fall i'll take like oh that's crazy i'll take a lot of micro naps like there'll be a lot of times i'll fall asleep for 15 minutes and just wake up again like and then go but what i did last night because i'll tell you what would have been pretty nice to have that dream ability here

because last night i had a fucking dream that was fucking awesome and you're new to the dream world still it's only like a year or two old right buddy this one me and tommy brady went out on his yacht and it was he was it was at his house it was at it's not his real. It was at his house. It's not his real house. It was at this house that was built in the middle of Boston. It's this castle in the middle of Boston that Tom Brady owns, and it's on a river. He has a huge yacht that he keeps outside it. We went over.

We were just drinking, hanging out with Giselle, having a good time, and we went on a yacht ride. I thought this was so real. I had my phone in my hand to text my friend being like, hey, you'll never guess what just happened. And to tell him this story about me being on a yacht with Tom Brady. And then I realized like, you're on the couch, dude. But as we're like leaving the Boston Harbor and Tom's just kind of sitting there with a drink.

And I said, look, I know how you're going to answer this question because I know you're a modest guy. But do you ever just look around here and think, man, this is kind of the city that Tommy built? And he went, fuck, yeah, I do. And I said, oh, I love you. I mean, that's an entirely real dream. That's exactly what would happen. That was like, it was like, I was like, I was literally, I was like, wait, no, the office is still playing. That's the worst feeling.

Yeah. And that's why as valuable. It's still like that. That was so real in my playing. That's the worst feeling. And that's why, as valuable... It's still like that. That was so real in my head that really happened. So if you think about that, I think there's an incredible amount of everyday real tangible value to being able to say,

go to sleep, wake up, feel rested. If you could control your dreams and you know that, going to sleep becomes the best thing. Like, that means every night you go on a vacation. That means every night you go to heaven. That means because I'm assuming you can remember it and you can live it and it's more lucid and you can pick it happening. So every day I'd be like, I'm going home.

I'm going to bed and I'm going to hang out with Tom Brady. I'm going to fuck this girl. I'm going to go to the moon. I'm going to see aliens. But then we'd get into a Black Mirror danger zone. Definitely. Definitely. I would just try to sleep 24 hours a day and control my life and control my dreams.

Because you'd get too wrapped up in your dream world. I need to be Inception. I need to have a top. Yeah, but you'd start taking all that melatonin and that Benadryl and those edibles to sleep all day. Because you know you've created this whole new world for you i mean basically it's kind of like what happens with like chinese gamers who die at the desk yeah took so much red bull to stay up and right this simulated world and also the come down of like when you wake up and it's like back to the dick sucking factory for another nine hours like i can't wait till i get back to my dream world

where i have like a beautiful wife and a million dollars and all that. So every time you're in your waking life, you'd be depressed. Right. And then you'd be eating so much melatonin and sleeping so much that your new dream, it wouldn't be sex and money and shit. You'd be like, I just don't want to be groggy. I just don't want to be sleeping. The whole thing would flip around. But I think in the beginning, the mental health aspect, you never watch Star Trek, right? You're not a fucking loser like me.

But Star Trek. Yeah, bro. Star Trek is fire. I mean, I don't know why I asked that like surprisingly. Star Trek, The Next Generation, fire. Is that the one that's with Captain Picard? Picard. Jean-Luc Picard.

They got something called The Holodeck. Do you watch like the new ones too? No, no, no, no. I heard the new ones are pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I just kind of cashed out at... I like the movies, but...

Yeah, that's what I mean, the movies. Oh, yeah, yeah. Chris Pine and stuff like that. Yeah, those are fire. Those are great. Chris Pine's the fucking man. Most underrated Chris in Hollywood. Fuck you chicks in the office. I like Chris Evans too, but Chris Pine is that dude. They have a holodeck, and it's like... It kind of looks like the green screen room.

You walk in, and it's just like four walls, and you pick a hologram. You you just be like i want to be on a yacht in the 1700s and the computer makes it happen you just get to like live out a fucking dream fire see that doesn't sound great to me that just sounds like you're sitting in a green room but you're not i mean it turns into like you know it's like super advanced technology okay and then but then you can be like oh, it's like three o'clock. I got a meeting like holodeck off. And you just, you're just, you know, you're back in, in the green screen room.

All that shit. All that shit scares me. All that shit's too dangerous. Well, it's like taking hallucinogenic drugs in a way. I'm afraid to do that, but it's like, if you could control it, you know, but you play with you can control it. That means you can just do it forever too. Like, again, I'd fall in love with that world just be like fuck it yeah that happens that's

that's part of star trek for sure yeah uh but then it's like who cares as long as you can fucking do it all the time and just throw away all your responsibilities real life yeah yeah it is tough better to just make your own life decent you know next up what up ksc fights bc shout out nick so like i've lived in a bunch of big cities for most of my time in my life like boston salt lake and now i'm stuck in bump up louisiana um it's it's about 100 miles anything. What the fuck am I supposed to do here? What should I do? What do I do? Seems like there's nothing around.

Give me suggestions. Buddy, I don't know where you are. That's like a girlfriend, like getting lost and being like, I need, like, I can't find, like you need to, you need to help me find the place. I'm like, I don't know where you are. How can I help you? How about this one? I can't find any parking.

The parking is, the parking is one we've talked about extensively in this podcast. And it's still, but also I will always admit this. When I'm pulling up to someone's place, I want to call and ask, where do I park? I don't because I realize it's a ridiculous question. But like when I went to your house that day. Yeah, but no, no. I think that's different than being like, I'm coming to your place. Is there street parking?

Do you have a driveway? Is there a garage? Like, you know, the area area give me a heads up versus when i get there let's say i i you told me there's street parking and i get there and there is none it's all taken up and then being like well what do i do now i don't fucking know i'm not in the car to drive until you find a spot to fit your car yeah that drives that crazy that's true that's um but i don't know um i just can't believe i guess salt lake is probably a pretty big city but i can't you know lumping that in as like we're in the big city yeah yeah i thought you'd be like boston new york chicago like boston salt lake miss louisiana is yeah to me it's like if you've figured out uh how to have fun in those places

then you you probably had salt lake game. Salt Lake's fucking dope. Yeah? As soon as he started, he sounded like kind of a ski bum. So it seems like what he might have done right after college. Right. I mean, it's dope if you do that. I don't think it's very dope if you're not doing that. I have, like, my uncle moved out there. I've never been, but, like, my uncle loves it out there.

I had a few friends who lived out there for college, after college. Is it, like, Tahoe-esque? Is that Tahoe in Utah? Let me make that up. Tahoe, no. Tahoe is in California and Nevada. Nevada, yeah, yeah. But the, when I was at Tahoe, it was like,

we had a good time, but we were on the Nevada side. So that wasn't, I think the casino and stuff was on the California side. Well, that wouldn't make sense because it would be Nevada, wouldn't it? Wouldn't make sense. So maybe I was on the California side. I forget, but we weren't over by the casino

and stuff like that, but we went to bars and stuff. But I wouldn't call it. That's what I need. Yeah, I wouldn't call it like a burgeoning nightlife. I can't speak to this personally because I've never really lived in any like boondocks. But I think I would do, you know, the same thing we try to do every night. Pinky, go to a bar. You know what?

I think the good like tangible advice for this whether it's like i live in a city that i don't know i'm out of college and i'm you know i'm living on my own for the first time or i'm in like a lame city i think go to a bar and befriend the bartender yeah because telling people to just like make friends it's like i don't fucking know how to do that but the bartender is is here. He's going to be here every night. He's paid to kind of like interact with you. And if you can actually become friends with him, he's a local.

He might know some people. He'll introduce you to some people at the bar. And maybe all of a sudden you have a little friend group from that bar. Making friends with the only people in New York I've made friends with are bartenders. Right? Yeah.

And that's, so I was going to say, even if you don't make new friends, you just have friends who are bartenders. Right. Yeah. It's free drinks. It's great friends who are bartenders. Right. Yeah. Free drinks. It's great. It's all right.

We hang out. We have a blast. Or you know what? Even better. Like, become a bartender. I would. If I was him, I'd become like. If I.

For whatever reason, he has to. I'm going to guess he's in the military. I don't. I don't know why you would go. What could possibly send someone on this route? Bouncing around. Yeah. What could make you live in the sticks of louisiana when you're from boston it sounds like

and then kind of went to salt lake for a bit i don't know because then a ski bomb doesn't sound like a guy who joins the military like you're kind of you have concocted two completely fabricated storylines yeah yeah he's either a ski bum or he's like a fucking Green Beret. Well, he isn't a Green Beret, but that sounds like a place a fort is at. Like 100 miles from any city in the middle of Louisiana. Yeah, no, I hear you. But I mean, maybe he's just like a... Maybe there's like a branch to my office that's in this fucking...

Maybe he's none of those things. Definitely not. I'm just trying to put it together here man But the The only people who go from Boston to Salt Lake Are usually ski But then I don't know how you get to Louisiana

But I would go full redneck I kind of had like one Probably a three month stretch in Tallahassee Where I went redneck. Meaning what? Like the way you dress, the way you act, the places you go? The more just the people I hang out with. I went mudded.

What does that even mean? You just drive fucking trucks in the mud. That's cool. It's a good time. Doing donuts and shit. They have like a mud pit set up. Remember when Hank went gigging? Gigging, yeah. Gigging I wouldn't do. Gigging is just stabbing frogs with a pitchfork. and shit yeah like they have like a mud pit set up remember when hank went gigging gigging yeah

gigging i wouldn't do gigging is just stabbing frogs with a pitchfork the fact that that's considered and then he shot a deer later that trip yeah boy i wouldn't go that henry became a murderer on that trip i wouldn't go that full right neck i would go like i socially redneck yeah i would do the mudding and I don't know, I'd just like hang out in grass and watch stars. I guess I'd be a hippie really. Redneck hippie? I like that.

I think that's a nice sweet spot. Yeah, I'm a redneck hippie. Yeah, there you go, bud. Just fucking get a mullet but wear like, you know, get tattoos and shit and smoke some weed, but drink some natty. Yeah.

Just live that life. I think if I was forced to live in the woods, we've always talked about this. I'm a chameleon. I would fully embrace it. Well, this is where. This is what I do now. This is what I do. Oh, you can never fail with bartenders, too, though.

Just find your local watering hole. Belly up there you're good to go hey kfc vice uh nick slash bc whoever's there first time one time i guess um i'm calling because of kfc's tweet the other day from when the mets were playing a game i think against the Yankees, but it could be wrong. And the tweet said, I wonder if the fake noise technician just pushed the away team, just hit a ball to the fucking moon button. And fun fact, I am actually the quote unquote fake noise technician

for another MLB team this season, which is very funny and hard. So cut us some slack this season. Yeah. It got me thinking if you could have a button in life that just did something random, either like did an action or some, it said something or whatever,

what would it be? Like, for example, I just taught my mom how to mute someone on Facebook. And I always wish I had a mute button for people in real life that you could just see someone do a mute drop. Like, I don't want to hear it. First of all, I think the, so this, this was the other day I was watching the Mets Yankees.

Clint Frazier put a ball into like the fucking middle of the second deck, just bombed it. And you know, the, the fake crowd noise did like the, Ooh, like when the home team's like, Oh fuck, that was a moonshot. And so I'm thinking, like, do they just have, someone's got to be quick on the draw and be like, all right, there's the disappointed crowd noise there. And it worked, by the way. They did it right. Timing was good. Pitchers got to be like, come on.

Do you have to? Do you really have to? But I'd love to fucking find out more. Like, being that person, you just have a soundboard. Do you have a conductor? I would guess a soundboard. But it's a pretty cool job. It's a high-stress job.

Yeah. And, I mean, like the early going, you know, there's that, like, buzz. It's almost just like crickets, noises, kind of. And then, like, in the late innings, it's palpable. I mean, there's a whole, they took it all from MLB, the show. So they have like all the, I'm sure they have all like the labels on it, whatever. That's fascinating.

That's pretty cool. But like also like I would fuck it up. I told a story before when I was like pulled out of the crowd in Little League to like ref third base or ump third base. And there was like, did he tag up? I'm like, tag up? You guys think I was paying attention for a fucking tag up? I don't know. They're like, well, you gotta make a decision.

I'm like, I wasn't looking. I was like arguing with adult men. I wasn't looking. You might as well guess too. You pulled a kid out of the crowd in a Superman t-shirt to tell me to fucking ump third base and no, I wasn't watching for tag-ups. Who's even tagging up at this level?

Jesus Christ. It's like getting babysat by a girl who's a year older than you. I was slightly older than the children playing. There's no reason to be the umpire for the games either. That would happen to me. They'd be like, where's the button? I wasn't looking that time, dude. I don't know.

I took that playoff. You know what's going to happen? This is a three and a half hour game. I'm going to zone out sometime. Someone's going to push home team, home run. The crowd's going to be cheering at City for a Yankee home run. What the fuck just happened?

A button that could do anything, though. This is a loaded question. I wish I could have a button where I, like, you know, imagine if I could just push a button where you just get sucked off the planet Earth and there's no repercussions. But what about that? What about, let's just say twice a year. You ever see the movie The Forgotten with Julianne Moore?

It's like this weird sci-fi movie where people disappear, and then she knows it. She's like, where's my son? But everyone else is like, what are you talking about? You never had a son. But it's because they just got yoinked away. And there was this scene where this thing just pulls them off the planet. Twice a year, I'd like to be able to push a button,

and you just get. Oh, it's happening to someone else. Yeah. I thought it was happening to you. I was like, what are you getting back? No, like when you put a mail, you know those mail just get Oh, it's happening to someone else. Yeah. I thought it was happening to you. Like when you put a mail you know those mail tubes? Oh yeah. And you just get, I don't know where you go and there's no repercussions for me.

And then people know it too. So it's like, don't fuck with me or I'll send you to orbit. But then people would also know when I've used my two times Yeah, once you're there they're just going to beat me up and fuck with me, you know. So yeah, how about that? Erad my two times. Yeah, yeah. Once you're there, they're just going to beat me up and fuck with me, you know? So, yeah. How about that?

Eradicate two people from the planet Earth. You would get mass fucking ass kicked nonstop. People would just roll up to you in mass and just beat the shit out of you once you use your second. Oh, yeah. Definitely. That would be. Definitely. Especially if I'm holding it over your head.

Like, yeah, yeah. You're going to be a little bitch. I'm going to fucking send you. And then the day you find out that I'm out of buttons. Day in, day out, fucking soap party until New Year's Eve. But, I mean, I would have to keep my one in my back pocket. You know what I mean? You really just have to.

You always have to have one. Yeah, I'd pick one person. But then even then, like, what if you're getting group beat up? But I'd be like, it's one of you, motherfuckers. Yeah, but then once he's gone, it's none of you motherfuckers. Yeah, but would you start the fight with me? It might be you. It might be you.

If I had a big enough group, yeah. You think? You're willing to risk that? I guess probably not. Yeah, so it's just like everyone's got their guns ready to shoot I don't think you last five years with this power like I would get killed well I mean you could also shoot

I mean let's say there's some sort of protective shield around you right right give me a boner so much better that's another thing they don't tell you it's gonna be hard to get your dick harsh just like some nights i'm just like i don't feel like boner yeah i don't know if just sneaky get the conversation yeah it's like sometimes i just

want to jerk off too right i don't want to i don't want to fucking i don't want to build up when you're sitting there whapping it against your stomach trying to get you know i don't want to do that it's not that like you know i'm not going to sit here and say you hit 30 or whatever you get older and you have like full-blown ed but it's something i remember being like as a kid not a kid but like you know 20 something being like i will never not be able to get my dick actually like i am a goddamn pervert this thing is ready to go at all times and then you know you have a couple nights where it doesn't work and you're like well i did i wasn't told i thought you either have a functioning dick or you're like an old man and it's broken i didn't know i was just gonna be troublesome nights i think of my i think i am an

old man and it's broken and really not not in that sense i think just my penis itself is an old man and he just doesn't understand what's happening most of the time. I'll just be sitting here and I'll just go off. I'll be full hard. Middle of this podcast I'll just be like, I'm hard right now?

And then you go home and it's not hard. And you're like, Jesus, you just don't know what's going on, dude. I'll be sitting on the couch thinking about absolutely nothing and I'll roll over and and I'm like, what the fuck, man? Why are you hard right now? I wasn't even remotely horny, so I want to be able to control like a drawbridge. I want to be able to put it down sometimes. Just leave me alone, dude.

Not right now. Yeah, that's a great point. Go to bed. It's not a boner-inducing button. It's just a dick control button because putting it down is just as important as putting it up it happened like four times what do you think is going on with your body when you get hard and you're not when you have a random boner what do you think your body just got confused for a second or what i guess like is your brain

being like all right we got to send body we got to set blunt to like you know the feet and then it's just like oh we got our signals crossed and we said yeah like whoops wrong way like yeah this highway was close i think a new route and next thing i know is in the tip of your dick dude like yesterday was a legitimate problem like yesterday and then guess what then i started being like well fine you want to do i'll teach you a lesson and like i just fucking kept jerking off yesterday was a problem. How many times are we talking? You wouldn't believe me if I told you. I wouldn't.

Are you doing more than five? Double digits. No! Because it just kept going off. I didn't know what to do. Did you come double digit times? Yeah. To fruition every time?

Every time. You are... It might have been 14 to 16. Is it a herd afterwards? No, no, no. How long is each session? Some are just medical. How about when you're in your 12th, 13th?

Is it like you got to work it? No. It's always pretty easy. That's what I mean. It's really not about getting up. It's about telling you to get down. Down and away. Hey, man. Wow. Sometimes I'm drunk on a night up. It's about telling it to get down. Down boy. Hey, man.

Wow. Sometimes I'm drunk on a night where it's like, this is a hard time. Fourteen times. It's more like you got to get your act together, bud. I got to. You got to start acting like an adult. Right.

Grow up. Like fucking. Grow up. Grow down. Understand the surroundings. Grow down. Understand what's happening today. Today I'm doing a lazy day on the couch,

and you just fucking, like a dog yipping. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey yipping yeah hey hey hey lazy hey hey shut up dude part of my lazy plans is not furious uh aerobic exercise okay i had a kid call uh radio today and asked uh i'm in the middle of the 6 8 12 14 24 challenge you know here's where i'm at with each thing what should i do and i was like you gotta just start running more miles because you're not going to be able to jerk off that many times unless you're fucking He told me his PR

was 10 and I was like alright I mean if you say so I don't believe people but I believe you. Yeah buddy it might be it might have been 20 I just lost count I was in like a just like a cum drunk haze. Last voicemail moving on

fuck off a cum drunk haze. It was a punch drunk haze. It was just a fog of war. Cum drunk haze sounds like something that... Sounds like I've been drinking cum. I'm not shooting it. That sounds like something like Cytheria is in a cum drunk haze. And she's fucking.

You're a dirty porn star. Yeah. One more and we'll get into our interviews. Shit. You know what? No, we're not even going to do another fucking voicemail. I don't want Feidelberg talking about cum drunk anymore. So we're going to get right into our interviews.

We got two very funny comedians. We'll start off with Rosebud Baker, who is our first guest. At Barstool Sports. Back in the building. Live in the flesh. Thank God. Because it just feels so much better. To do it in person. And Rosebud had me fucking rolling.

Dying. Rosebud had me like head back. Cackling to the ceiling type laughing. Talking about her pussy. And her fucking diva cup. I mean it's a wild one. It was one of the better interviews in a while and i think that part of that is due to the fact that we're just in

person now but it's part of it's due to rosebud part of it let it fly brought to you by cross rope uh feidelberg is looking jack these days and it's obnoxious it's rude is really what it is leaving me in the dust as like the fucking doughy ugly one. But it's all because he committed to. I got lucky with a video this weekend. It was just like, yeah, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

It's like, yeah, Frana is a bad angle. You're fine. Fuck you. But it's all because you committed to cross rope early in the quarantine. Cross rope is the best way to mix up some aerobic exercise with jumping rope, with body weight work, and you're going to exercise your entire body while getting your heart pumping. And you're going to do it in a fun way where you're jumping rope. You feel like you're on the playground.

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And, uh, it's efficient. It's easy. It only takes a few minutes. It's fun. It's different. You can do it to get lean. You can do it to get strong. They've got the app that helps track your progress and tells you what's next for your workout, what you're doing, and where you're going. Right now, they have a 60-day risk-free guarantee when you go to CrossRpe.com slash KFC. You can get $40 off the Crossrope set plus free shipping

when you go to crossrope.com slash KFC. Get that new cardio and full-body home workout with the $40 discount plus free shipping when you go to crossrope.com slash KFC. We got Rosebud Baker here, our first guest live back in the flesh everyone agreed to it it's all good everything's fine this is consensual um uh so funny enough i had like i started following you on instagram and i saw a i don't remember at this point this was like months ago but i saw like a video you put up and it was a funny bit. And then I met him at the bar and he had just been in Chicago.

And he was like, oh, we saw the funniest comedian. And he starts like. Is that where I met you? Did I meet you there? No, we didn't meet. But I just saw you there. But he started to like describe the joke and the bit. And I was like, I just watched it on Instagram.

We realized we were talking about the same person. I reached out to you. That was months ago. So now it's finally happening. I was at the show where in Chicago, this is probably more of a regular scene for you. Yeah, where a girl went crazy in the back. Yes, that's what it was.

That was the clip. Yeah, that was so fun. I was sitting literally two seats away, and I was like, this is awful. I hope they don't think I'm with her. This sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, I love it when shit like that happens.

The polar opposite. Yeah. Like, I can't imagine. I feel like you want to shut down and die. When people make public scenes, I get very awkward. It doesn't bother me. And you're just relishing it. It's my favorite thing that could happen during a comedy show.

Well, especially when you're up on stage, like, nine nights a week, right? You guys do a million shows. And like, so this is going to be something different. Yeah, and also it's kind of like how I came up. Like it was like I did that club. I don't even know if, there's no way it survives the pandemic. If it does, it truly is a Ponzi scheme or something.

Like I don't know what the fuck's going on over there, but it's LOL Comedy Club. I will call them out by name. They like, they basically use these like new comics to do time and and it's great as a new comic because you like need the stage time but i would do like three or four shows a night there and every you know they're barking people in and telling them that kevin hart's going to be on stage and then like i walk out and they're getting charged eight dollars for tap water in a solo cup and i'm man and you know and then so you're going against that kind of audience where they're like you are criminals like they hate you from the second you get okay i don't care about

even good or bad comedian you're a bad person yeah exactly i mean i would have to i would do so badly there that i would go home and check the Yelp reviews for the site to assure myself it wasn't my fault. Like, it was that bad. So when people come to comedy shows, and I don't encourage the behavior, but when it happens naturally like that, where somebody just got so drunk and they're just having

a horrible week, and they fucking snap at me, I'm like, oh, let's do it. Let's fucking go. It's my favorite thing. I've been waiting for this for months. This hasn't happened in a while, babe. I'm gonna go. I cut my teeth on bitches like you. Like, let's go. I can do this.

I would be like, why are you yelling at me, man? Like, I know you're not mad at me. Stop taking it out on me. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing, though. It really, they aren't mad at you. And they're ruining your show. So you're already at a higher position than they are. You're a position of power.

Yeah. And she was babbling. She wasn't even speaking. She was like Joe Biden. I think it was her and her boyfriend got in a fight about something, and then they couldn't get the lid on that one. It kept going and going. Yeah, no. And also, I've been in relationships like that, so I kind of get it.

My heart goes out to you. I'm actually furious with you. Why? You posted two things on the internet which have just ruined me. Yesterday that video of those protesters, I think protesters or whatever, singing the lullaby.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen. What were they chanting? What were they singing? Yeah, they were singing hands up, please don't shoot me. It was like some Freddy Krueger, Nightmare on Elm Street. I was like, what are their kids going to think of this song? Terrifying.

My first thought was like, oh, these poor kids. If you had an abortion in 2020, you made the right choice because the lullabies they're singing to children these days, you just can't come back from that. You're done. That's it. I, I,

so Nick, our producer sent it in like our group text, like being like, Hey, Rosebud just posted this. And I went along with the bit where I'm like, Oh, this is so creepy.

I thought it was pretty good. You're like, all right. It's clever. It's, it's, it's a catchy tune. Like I could,

I could see myself like, hands up, please don't shoot. That's, that was what I was thinking. I could see myself like, hands up, please don't shoot me. That was what I was thinking. I was like, there's no way they're going to go home to their kids and not sing this version. Because it's too catchy. Okay, all right. So we're on the same page here.

That shit scared me. That was giving me nightmares that night. It was terrifying, but catchy. It could be both. And then the main thing, it was supposed to be last week when you're supposed to come in. Yeah. Sorry about that, by the way. The Diva Cup.

The Diva Cup, it's before and after for me. That was a seminal moment in my life where I didn't know about that. We've been going through some things here on the podcast where we're learning about the female anatomy, things that we didn't know. Yeah. And I said, I usually think I know what's going on. Diva cup. I didn't know what the fuck that was. Well, neither the fuck did I.

I got my diva cup stuck inside myself last week. And it was my first time using a diva cup stuck inside myself last week. And it was my first time using a diva cup. I never would have done this. And I was talking to my friend and I was like, how the fuck are you putting a bucket up your pussy every week? And then she was like, you got to try it. It's good for the environment. You got a weak stomach.

I was like, this is going to make you puke. Yeah. You might need to, like, take a lap. I was like, how are you doing this? Go to the box. You're going to need to get him a bucket or something. Get him a DevaCup. Sorry if that's triggering. He's going to puke into it.

Nick is literally getting a garbage can right now. Absolutely do it again. Because here's the deal. Right before he came in, Gavin,, Kevin warned me about this because he knows If I can make the barstool guys puke, I just want you guys to know that is my goal. Oh, well, it's going to happen. It's going to be pretty easy.

I have a... You know what a Diva Cup is, right? I was like, yeah, I actually do know. Somehow, by the grace of God, I happen to know what it is. But I don't know where the story's going to go. Okay, so I basically know what it is. I had no clue. But I don't know where the story is going to go. So I basically got it in there, and it was fine. Everything's fine.

And wait, let me just say, because there's plenty of guys I know who are going to be like me. It's like a rubber bucket cup thing, like you said. It's a rubber bucket cup. That you put in there to collect the blood rather than to absorb it up. It's just a rubber pussy bucket cup. I don't know why they call it a diva cup. They should's just a rubber pussy bucket cup. And you... I don't know why they call it the Diva Cup. They should call it the rubber pussy bucket cup. The rubber pussy bucket cup is such a better name.

He's like, yeah, my rubber pussy bucket cup is bothering me today. The RPPC. Yeah. So I get it up there, and it's fine. And I was using it all week, and I was like, so far, so good. I mean, it's gross. That also threw me for a loop. I mean, I watched instructional videos and everything.

Yeah. The reusing, and I get that's the point, but I thought it was just the thought of like cleaning that off and then just putting it away and putting it back in later is fucking nuts. That's what grossed me out. Because I was like, that's so fucking gross. I can't do that. But what it is is that you leave it in all day. So you don't have to, like, take it out and then, you know what I mean? It's not like a tampon where you're constantly making, like, maintenance trips.

So I was like, all right, I can get behind this. Also, I'm home all day. So what's going to happen? If there's a bloodbath, I'll figure it out. So I, but then but then dexter over here i fucking slept with it in and i don't know what my pussy does while i'm sleeping but apparently it clenches and i guess i sleep with a clenched pussy and that's something that i'm happy to know about myself um because, you know, it'll deter rapists.

Yeah, I was going to say, that sounds like an evolutionary thing. Right. I'm like, close for business, bro. We're sleeping in caves and we're like, we gotta fix this.

I guess I just, you know, I clench up and I'm like, anybody that tries to get in is going to be locked out. But anyone that's in there is also getting trapped in.

Yeah. Apparently, so I wake up the next morning and there's no like string to pull this fucking thing out. You just kind of have to fish hook yourself. It's like when you get a condom stuck up there. Yeah, exactly. Except like a condom, you know, it's long enough that you can kind of get. This thing traveled.

It like went up into me and it suctioned to the wrong part of me. Like, I don't know what part it suctioned onto, but it was like there's like a vasovagal reaction where like if you if it suctions on too hard, you can faint while you're trying to get it out. Holy shit. Being a girl is a fucking catastrophe. So it really was a nightmare. And I'm like, and I wake up, and this is the first thing that, this is also a day that I had slept walked for the first time. I sleep walked into the kitchen. I don't know how to say that in the right context. Yeah, stop, stop. But I walked into the kitchen.

Same thing as blow dry. Did you blow dry or did you blow dried it? Exactly. I don't know. But I did that, and I walked in the kitchen, and I said to my fiance, I thought you slept on the inside. And he was like, what? I was like, I thought you slept on the inside.

It was really important to me. He was like, I don't know what you're talking about. I wake up on the toilet. Like, I wake up. He said I walked into the bathroom, and I wake up on the toilet trying to get my diva cup out and I'm and I can't get it out and I just start screaming apparently he said I just

I just go like I was like and I was like I can't get my diva cup out and I was like I need you to get it out. And so he comes in. That's love.

Did he get up in there? He comes in. And apparently I was like standing with one foot up on the sink. Like I was at the fucking, I was like ready to go. Like I was like, get your headlamp. You know what I mean? And he fucking, he comes in and he's like, he's trying to get it out. First thing he does, push it further up.

Of course. And I'm like, oh! I'm just screeching and punching the wall behind me. Just like, get it out! And he's like, he just runs. He decided to just run out of the bathroom like he was like get me the fuck

out of here he's just gonna kill me like a 16 year old in World War 2 being like seeing a battle he's like fuck that guy

he's like forget it he's a turncoat he just like goes home and um and I uh so I facetimed

my friend Makala who was like on the toilet taking a shit hungover. Oh, God. And I FaceTimed, she's like, I can't talk to you right now. She's disgusting. What a duo. I'm disgusting. Holy Christ.

I was like, I can't get this fucking thing out. And she goes, she goes, just fucking, she's the one who told me to use it. She's like, just push. Just breathe and push. You gotta deliver this? You gotta birth your diva cup? I just had to lamaze my diva cup out of my pussy. I gave birth to my diva cup.

And that was the first five minutes of my day. I was like, where do I go from here? That actually makes me think of Frank Sinatra, though, where Frank Sinatra's like, I feel bad if people don't drink because when they wake up, it's the best they'll feel all day. Like, I feel bad if people don't get their divas cup stuck in them because, like, the day only goes up. Honestly, it was a great day. It can only get better for a year. It was a great day after that.

You could go outside and get hit by a car and it still was up for my first five minutes. That's kind of the beauty of, like, being a podcaster and being a comic is you're like, if the worst shit that happened to me that day, I'm like, that's going in the fucking books. That just made my job easier. Exactly. I don't have to struggle for shit to talk about. I have a perspective.

I know what the fuck happened and I can yell about it. That was it. That was all I needed. That is, that was a fucking tale. I can just about it. Like, that was it. That was all I needed. That is, that was a fucking. I can picture being your fiance being like, look, I don't know what she was just talking about there. I guess she needs help in the bathroom. And you're just knuckle deep trying to fish out a blood, a chum bucket.

I know. And also, by the way, when that comes out, like if he were to succeed. Yeah. Wouldn't it have been a, you have been a bad – like a murder scene? It's bad. It's not a good thing. When it happens, I don't know how, but like when you finally get it out, it just spills into the toilet immediately. So you're like – but part of me kind of wants to look at it. Part of me is just like, how much did I?

Because there's measurements on the cup in case you need to know. Why do you need to know that? I don't know. You want to know how much blood you lost. It's fun. There's like parts of it. I'm picturing like in Double Dare when they used to have those buckets with the line, you know, and you've got to fill it up.

It's like if it passes this line. It is exactly like that. It's just like Double Dare. I was thinking more Carrie. Yeah. It's just a massacre scene. Yeah. I wonder if the people that created

Diva Cup were watching Double Dare one day, thinking about how OCD that guy is, and going, you know what would really piss him off is just making a blood cup that is based off of his invention you know but it's it is gross um and i i can't say i'll be using it again that was yeah i'm gonna say divacup.com promo code kfc what a what a fucking endorsement

that was i know ladies if you want your day to be ruined potentially your life and your relationship to be ruined get a diva it was fucking wild i i'm so glad my fiance is like um luckily he was like raised by women and gay men so he's just not like grossed out by it or freaking out over it yeah he's kind of he's like a se Seattle hippie kid that grew up in the mountains and talking about like he knew when I met his his niece. She showed me positions that you can give birth in and she's four. So I was like, all right, well, this is a different kind of family. So this is what I'm getting into. Yeah, I mean, she's got her two moms and she's just like showing me how to do Lamaze on all fours.

Yeah. In case you ever get a Diva Cup stuck. Honestly, I thought about it. I was like, I could use. Yeah. The four year old showed me how to do this. Well, and then after the funniest bit, I think of that whole fiasco, at least on the Instagram clip, she's talking about how it got stuck in there.

And she's like, I guess I have like a small pussy. And he was like, well, you know. And she's like, what do you think about the size of my pussy? And he said something like it's – and he hesitated and he started. He was like, it's good. He said it's good. I just go, fuck you. I have a good-sized pussy.

That's not what I want to hear. Fuck you. I was like, that's the worst thing you can say. And also the pause. He stuttered, stammered. The pause and the stammer. I was just like, oh, fuck off. I was like, we're not getting married anymore.

I literally, when he. Good-sized pussy. Well, but you know what? Oh, my oh my god and then he goes you're no saint i was like oh this motherfucker but i'll tell you what that's something that like that pause and not getting the word you want everything like that's somewhere i've been oh absolutely i've never done it about pussy size but i I've definitely been like, I don't know what to say. That's why I've been on the receiving end of it. Where it's like, it's

perfect for me. Yeah. You just want to be like, just right. I know what that means, dude. I know. You just want to be like, okay, go fuck yourself. You just start trashing their genitals. Like, I immediately just started just crushing him for being uncircumcised.

And just be like, fuck you. You think I like sucking an uncircumcised dick? I get in there. I'm a fucking champ. You know what I mean? Me and my good-sized pussy. We do what we gotta do. I'm like, listen, I'm the best you can do.

All right? We're both in our 30s let's not lie to ourselves here we made some compromises this is the definition of settling it's fine whatever now is he a comic too he is he is yeah we have a podcast how does that work that's why i figured when he was explaining on the podcast i thought maybe it was just a pandemic type thing yeah no well it was i mean we started it in on the third day of quarantine and then we got engaged by the third episode oh really that was cute that was a yeah it was a nice little quarantine engagement where it wasn't a whole fucking production yeah it was nice it was fun i feel like couple comic couples are it's gotta be

it just seems like something I can't imagine working, but I feel like I know a handful of them now, so maybe it is a thing. But I feel like, you guys are all fucking crazy. Comics are fucking nuts. Are you, would you say you're meaner to each other, but like in a playful sense, than other couples? Yes.

Yeah. I think that's why it works, because it's like, it has like a. I would love to do that in front of my other friends. You know what I mean? Like, we're going to roast each other and make everyone uncomfortable because we're the comics. Yeah, and it happens anyway. We'll be at dinner with two friends that aren't comics, and there's moments when it just gets awkward.

They think we're fighting, but we're just how we talk. We are fighting. What we're saying is the truth, but we're laughing. We absolutely mean everything we're saying. Okay, he does seem like a lesbian, to be clear. But we're, but like, we, but we love each other, so it doesn't matter. You know what I mean? It's like, I wouldn't say that shit, and it wouldn't be funny to us if we didn't know that we loved each other.

So it works. And also, it's a special kind of crazy because we're both comics, but we're also two sober alcoholics, which is another level of insane where we move faster than lesbians do in terms of commitment. And we were dating for five months and we got married.

It works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now we're just like, we started a podcast. It's too much. commitment and like we were dating for like five months and we got married it works yeah yeah and now we're uh we're just like we started a podcast we're it's too much okay like and we'll both readily admit that but it feels like i don't know i don't know how it could work for me with somebody else like i i mean i've uh he's right i'm no saint I've fucking tried a lot of different things. She looks to the camera like... That was like a look away, like hope for not a follow-up. I'm going to stare over here and they won't say, go on.

No follow-up questions on that. He's great for me. It just works. When we started dating, I was like, oh, shit. This is the guy. Yeah. This is the guy. I found the one.

This is it. And I was disappointed. I wished for someone else. I thought it would have been someone else. Yeah. You know, I was hoping for like a hot black guy, but it's fine. Sorry, Andy. I'll take the uncircumcised lesbian, whatever.

Close enough. The uncircumcised lesbian, whatever. Close enough. The uncircumcised lesbian. Please no one call him that. I'm so scared now. He's going to fucking hate me. He's going to come on this podcast. I shouldn't have said that. That's like, you can say that, I can't say that.

He really, he will, he'll lose it. He'll be like, oh, fuck yourself. Now people are calling me the uncircumcised lesbian. When we were looking for, and it's funny because I'm one to talk, like I absolutely seem like I'm gay. Like when people meet me, like my voice,

everything about me is like a, like I just, like I say it in my act, but I'm like a seasoned lesbian. Like I just have this like hardware store voice and vibe. And so when we walked down the street together i was saying to him when we started dating i was like we just seem like two people that are denying our sexuality together until we die like you know what that might work

too though i'll tell you what that's love that's for centuries those kind of couples lasted yeah i'll be honest. I mean, and it works for them. They've got a secret to keep together. Commonality, yep. I'm like, maybe that's what makes it work for, like, political couples. They're almost like gay couples in, like, the 50s where they just, like, they had to keep it a secret. So, you know, that bonded them. And, you know, for senators and shit,

I'm like, yeah, if your husband fucks kids, I guess you'd... You're like, listen, I can stay in this and keep this under wraps and be rich for the rest of my life. Or, you know, I feel like I made it dark. No, I think we all knew what you were talking about. We're all like, yeah, it's definitely pedophiles. We're not talking about, like, fucking

hookers. Like, no one cares about that anymore. It's kids. Hookers are fucking kindergarten shit. That's angel behavior. That's like, we hope you're fucking hookers. Get it out on them and not on nobody else. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, I guess calling it kindergarten shit doesn't really work anymore, considering

they're doing kindergarten shit. The kindergarten shit's what's happening. We were saying earlier, what stage are you at with the pandemic? Do you still wash your hands? Yeah. You do? But she also is a female. I do still wash my hands

but I always wash my hands. Yeah. We didn't. No, we did. I did. I committed to flatten didn't. No, we did. No, we don't. I did. I committed to flatten the curve. We locked it down. Yeah.

And then it's just... It's such an extra thing for a guy to do after he goes to the bathroom. Yeah. Like, I just... I don't even touch anything. I don't touch anything. I'm not doing... I am a big hand sanitizer.

In fact, by the way, I don't know if you noticed when I came in the room, my hand was a little wet. I had washed it. I wash for guests. Yeah. But if I'm... What a hero. If fact, by the way, I don't know if you noticed when I came in the room, my hand was a little wet. I had washed it. I wash for guests. Yeah. What a hero. If I'm going to go back around. And you do deserve the Nobel Prize. I don't wash my hands as, like, it never really, the pandemic never really had an impact on that.

I always wash my hands. I probably washed them longer. I'm probably back to the amount that I washed them before. Yeah, that whole, you know, happy birthday the amount that I watched them before. Yeah, that whole happy birthday thing where they tell you to sing it, I mean, that feels like an eternity. When this started, it was almost my girlfriend's birthday, so I'd always sing happy birthday to her in my head, and now

it's all I do. It's driven me mad. It's just non-stop, every day. Well, it's a crazy person's song. It's like a song you kill yourself with. But I feel like one thing that did hit me the other day is i was like it's nuts to me that there was like a full month where women wouldn't touch their faces to put makeup on like we were like we were like watching tutorials about how to do your makeup

so that you wouldn't touch your face and how could you do that yeah like people were like like put it all in a shotgun yeah it was like, like doing it with a selfie stick or something. I was like, how the fuck? Why are you trying to keep your hands that far away from? We were all crazy for a while because we didn't know. Were you even, I mean, not much of a reason to put on the makeup. I wasn't putting on. Honestly, this is the last two days I've had meetings and like coming here were the only times I've put on makeup.

And I honestly looked in the mirror and was like, oh my God, you're so pretty. I'm not an ugly person anymore. Every time I look in the mirror the last two months, I'm like, that's my granddad. I look gross. It's weird. I feel like I'm not a woman anymore. I feel like every woman that is listening to me understands that you just become a man after a certain period of time alone.

Yeah. Is it great? Yeah. Did you like it? It's great. It's so relaxing. It's very liberating. Yeah.

Yeah. And, um, but there's parts of being a woman that are fun, you know, like you get to feel pretty and you get to feel like you're like powerful, which is, it's only fun because it's, uh, it's not real. And you're just like, oh, I'm powerful today. And men are like, okay, yeah, you're powerful. Stop talking, sit down. You're still taking less money.

We're not paying you. But it is like to feel like a woman is like a cool thing and you just forget it and you kind of miss it after a little while. It's like the only way I can compare it is like for guys. You know when you're in a relationship for a long time and then all of a sudden you're like, am I even hot anymore? Like do you just want a woman to hit on you? Yeah, still got it.

Yeah, that's what it feels like okay but it's just for ourselves that's what's crazy about girls though you're always doing shit for yourselves yeah it's always or for each other for other girls that's nuts to me yeah it's fun i mean i think we do it for men more than like we want to admit because it doesn't yeah like when it doesn't feel as good when we say that we do. Yeah, that's what I think. When it's like, oh, I'm not dressing up for the guys.

I'm dressing up for other girls. I'm like, hmm. Yeah. But like my girlfriend did that where like in quarantine, we probably like locked down. We didn't see each other for like two months

and she's like, I'm nervous. This is gonna be the first time you're ever seeing me without eyelashes. And I started like, I can't tell the difference. I don't know what you mean. If you hadn't mentioned anything to me, I'd never in a million years would have noticed started, I was like, I can't tell the difference. I don't know what you mean. If you hadn't mentioned

anything to me, I never in a million years would have noticed that. You're like, who's that baby gerbil? Yeah. She's like, my eyebrows aren't done.

I'm like, oh, we're done by the way. You're ugly. We got those eyelashes. We're breaking up. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Yeah, but you guys do worry about the stuff that I think we don't even. Yeah, I think, I don't know.

It's, I don't know if it's right to say that we worry about, I don't fucking know anymore. The thing is, is like the shit that I would have had a point of view on this when we were living in a society, but since all this shit happened, I don't know how the fuck I feel

about anything anymore. Like, I go on Twitter and there's so many opinions, and i can't i can't tell who's crazy anymore i really can't like aside from the people who are like really you know all lives matter i'm just like i don't know what to think about anything like i was looking through kanye's shit like last night and i was like yeah this is nuts but then i was looking at biden's speech and i was like you know at the at least at the end of kanye's uh he was like adidas and i don't have a deal gap and i don't have a deal and that ends today and i was like okay the man's got a platform

i know what his point is i know what his point is biden is talking about his leg hair standing up and somebody rubbing his legs and i was like i don't even know this is like a man's speech at his 102nd birthday party i don't know what the fuck this is yo he's just he's just riding it out too though yeah he's really not saying much i feel like he's just like uh i'm and that is smart yeah like it's like i'm not gonna win smart. Yeah. Like it's like I'm not going to win this election. He might lose it. And that's all I'm going for. That is what. Yeah.

And I think that's the smartest thing he can do, because I mean, I'm voting for Biden just because like I don't want to. I feel like if I don't, I'm voting for Trump. But I or Kanye or Kanye. Well, I mean, I do feel bad for Kanye. I do. But I, you know, when people were like, this is crazy, I was like, yeah, but have you seen this clip of Biden? You know what I mean? And it was like, just

by, as a comic, I'm looking at what's the fucking, where's the hole in the theory, you know? So, you know, but I'll vote for Biden, and it's like, I don't, I'm not going to love it. I think that when he speaks, it sounds like somebody's reading magnetic poetry from the fridge. You know, like you're just like, you're just picking words out of the air.

But the, there's, I watched the show New Girl, which I've watched a lot during the pandemic. But there's an old episode where they're talking about like how to get Jess, Zoe Deschanel is trying trying to get, like, a guy. And they're like, you got to just be there. Just always just be there. And then when you're the only option, you win. We call it Biden-ing. And I was like, that joke was from, like, seven years ago.

I was like, that's still playing today. That's fucking crazy. That still holds up. Especially in politics, it's half the battle. It's like, just be around. Don't get caught doing this. Don't get arrested doing that. Just be there, and eventually it'll default to you.

Yeah. I mean, it'll all go to shit. The least inspiring fucking thing I've ever heard, but it's the name of the game. That's the thing about politics. And I love this about politics, is that it the thing about politics. And I love this about politics is that it's all about, like, strategy. And there are so many different strategies based off of what the other players are doing. And it's really, I mean, if you compare it to Hollywood, it really is Hollywood. It's just, like, Hollywood is hot people and these are not.

Old people, yeah. Yeah, exactly. You ever wonder why everyone's so old in politics here? Like you look across like the world yeah like most politicians are like working age people we have all our like they're about to fucking like in france it's like how you pronounce it you got trudeau in canada i definitely know that's not how you pronounce it i don't know how you pronounce it you just call it it's it's definitely m-a-r-c-o-n i just don't know how you pronounce it. You just call it. It's definitely M-A-R-C-O-N. I just don't know how to pronounce it. I tried to put a French twang on it.

A French twang. Like he's from Louisiana. But like everyone's like working age, like 40, 50 years old. And they were like, yeah, I'll be 86. Worried about them dying. Yeah. I took the test. The cognitive test that they were talking about with Chris Wallace and Trump, and I thought it was a joke. I thought this must be a spoof test.

Yeah. It's just a test to see if you have Parkinson's. It's not like, are you smart? Can you be the president? It's literally, there's a picture of a lion, a picture of a rhino and a picture of a camel. And it says, what are these animals? Yeah. No, I saw those questions.

I was like, let me see this test. And I was like, oh God. Like that. Like that. Although there was one thing. It was like, uh, I'm going to repeat, I'm going to say five words to you and repeat them back to me. And you know, it was like face dairy velvet, you know, it was like face, dairy, velvet.

It was a few words. And I said it back. But the next part was in five minutes, say it again. And five minutes later, I was like, I can only remember like three of those. So maybe I have a little bit of dementia. That's a lot to remember. It kind of was.

Yeah, I was like, I mean, I got like four or five. I feel like that is a test that was invented before iPhones. Yeah, it's like this does not matter. feel like that is a test that was invented before iPhones. Yeah, it's like, this does not matter. Yeah, because nobody's got that attention span. Right, yeah. Five minutes is an eternity. Five minutes is way too long. So long.

Like, I can't remember if my fiance is like, hey, oh, he asked me today. He's like, where's Barstool? I go on Instagram to check our DM to see where the fucking address was. And it's like, I open Instagram and I'm like, Ooh, like I just see like Andrew Colin posting like a picture of his shirt off. And I'm just like this moron. And I just start going on a thing, you know, like you can't remember anything. It takes me like three tries, like picking up my phone to do something and

putting it back down and be like, wait, no, fuck. That's what I need up. And then on the third try, I'll get to what I wanted to do initially. I think that's a bad sign. I think we're all getting real dumb. Maybe not dumb, but not capable or not sharp. I don't know what it is. That's so funny.

He just picked two different words for dumb. You know, not dumb, but maybe stupid. I might go out there and say say maybe unintelligent i love it i love when that i was literally i i walked into the house this reminds me i walked into the house the other day and i saw andy and i was like hey how was therapy he goes it was good we talked about active listening and I was like oh nice what's that about and he was like what he just wasn't he was talking to me without listening to the questions like I was like this forget it we're done for the day uh you mentioned Kanye before um do you think you can be mentally ill like Kanye

but also just be an asshole yeah you can be two things at once yeah that's where I'm at I feel like I've been talking about him all week and when I saw him like melt down I was like this is just sad but then when I saw his twitter bullshit I was like you're being an asshole but then people are like well he's having an episode

and you can't say that I don't think he kind of can. I don't think those things about like him, you know, when he says all the shit that he's saying, I wouldn't go and go,

oh, you're an asshole for doing that during a manic episode. Yeah. Like I, I think a manic episode can make you act like an asshole.

Like that's, that is true. Right. But I also think he like thinks these things. So I think, you know, like maybe he's, I think he's tweeting it because he's having an episode. But does he really think it?

No, because here's the thing. I think there's a difference. Like, the only thing I can compare it to is like alcoholism. Right. Because that's like my experience. So when I was drunk, if somebody this is I'm putting this out there and it's not good. But if somebody like I remember one time I went up to my friend and I was like hey what time is it and he was like I don't know what

time it is but the way that he answered me like he was just there was something about anyway I punched him in the face and I was hammered I was blacked out I don't know why the fuck I did that it was I was an active alcoholic and alcoholism is as much a disease of the mind as it is of the body. So when I look back on those things, I don't say I wouldn't go, oh, I'm not at fault for that. Like a grown man is at fault for not taking his medicine. But also, if it's if his disease is making him not want to take his medicine. He's also not at fault. It's like that gray area where you just go, this is mental illness.

Like I can't necessarily, the only way to look at this is with compassion because the other option is to trash someone who deserves, who could deserve a second chance. You know what I mean? And could deserve some consideration. And like, I I'm when I read his tweets, I'm just like, Oh Jesus, this is not good. you know what I mean? And could deserve some consideration. And, like, I, when I read his tweets, I'm just like,

oh, Jesus, this is not good, you know what I mean? But. But the thing is, with him, it's been that way for a long time. It's been five plus years since, like, he was in a psychiatric ward. Yeah. So it's like, it's been a long journey where you're just like, maybe at some point we should take the Twitter away. Or, like, we've been talking about the british periods with the conservatorship conservatorship or

whatever it's like not advocating for that but like maybe the kardashian family isn't the best family to be with right now yeah right but whenever somebody is acting out of a place of like mental illness i think there's like a desire to reach for someone to blame, someone to put responsibility on. When in fact, it's just something that is still misunderstood and still not completely figured out. And nobody's okay with just being like, hey, we haven't figured this out yet. Like maybe nobody knows the answer. And maybe that's okay for now. Like maybe we should leave it up to doctors to figure this out.

You know, like... Well, we've seen how that goes around here. I don't know. This country, not a big fan of that. We don't like to leave things to the doctors. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to let the doctors and science get in the way of this. You guys, this is the fucking problem, all right, with podcasts, all right?

This is the fucking... Everybody's a fucking expert, you know what I mean? In America now, it's like everybody thinks they're such an independent thinker and they have the answers and nobody's okay with just being like, yeah, I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah, I don't know. Oh. I don't know. I thrive there.

And it's like- I don't know anything right here. You know? But like, that's- And that's great to admit that because there's people listening. And what's that? The pandemic, like when people do it about politics or the economy or whatever because you have some experience working a job or voting for

when we're talking about the spread of a fucking infectious disease yeah and anybody acted like they knew anything about it yeah it's like no you don't no you you don't. No, you fucking don't. Right. So just stop. And dude, when that shit about the pandemic came out, I was fully on board. When I first heard about this, before I knew it was like a conservative movement. And before I knew. I don't know if I know what this is. The pandemic. It was like a COVID truther. Like, like someone who's like, oh, this is all planned by the government.

And like now they're saying it was planned by the government to take Trump down. I just thought it was like actually planned by the government to keep us like in our homes and to keep us from like and to like further the generational wealth divide and like and fuck with our money, basically. And that was honestly just a reaction. When I look back on it, I'm like, that was a reaction to just feeling completely fucking powerless over this shit. Yeah, it's like, I'll go with this. At least there's a fucking answer here. Yeah, at least I can blame someone.

I can point my anger somewhere. When in fact, like, this is like, we're all just screaming in traffic for a year. That's what it feels like. And the only people that are being chill about it are dead. God, I can't wait to die. Right right just give me the sweet release of death it is terrible on this planet living forget it i'm like whatever i know it's there's been a lot of fucking heartbreak but we can honestly say that they are in a better place because because anywhere else anywhere here there could be no afterlife it could just be black dirt and it would be better than this.

No shit. No, it would be better than Twitter. Yeah, it's nuts. It's fucking crazy. Are you doing any shows virtually or otherwise? Is there anywhere you can get on stage at this point or what? You know, I've been doing shows for – so I've been doing Zoom shows since this thing started, kind of on the down low, like doing them for like um, so I've been doing zoom shows since this thing started kind of on the

down low, like doing them for, uh, like halfway houses and rehabs and stuff. Um, just to kind of like run my act. Cause it's not good. Like they're not,

I'm not doing well, you know, I'm like running the act to remember what my jokes sound like coming out of my mouth. Do you like, do you like stand for it? Do you have like a, like a mic thing or are you my jokes sound like coming out of my mouth. Do you like stand for it? Do you have like a mic thing or are you kind of just sitting in front of a computer? I got a green screen and I sit in front of the computer and I use my home equipment. But it's not like – it doesn't – it's so weird because you're like looking at a house.

They have one camera and it's just a bunch of dudes on a couch just like you know coming off heroin so you're like if i can get a laugh from these dudes this joke is the best joke ever yeah yeah um and then we started doing parking lot shows uh we started doing like outdoor shows but they're it's a fucking placebo like Like it feels it doesn't feel right. You know, it feels like even the audience is like it almost if you were to do an outdoor show before covid, everybody knows it's like it's a fun outdoor show. We're doing this because we can. Yeah. Not because we have to. And it's it's a little crazy.

Like, it's great to be getting back up and just kind of working out, like, shaking the dust off, but it still feels bad. Yeah. You don't feel like doing a podcast kind of, like, scratches that itch? You have to be doing some sort of comedy show?

It's like I need... Of course, like, podcasting is great. You do get some interaction with the fans and you get to talk to them. But like there's nothing like getting fucking hit by that laughter. Like there's that feeling is, I mean, it was my whole life. Like, and I feel a lot. I don't mean to sound depressing, but like my whole fucking life and i feel a lot this i don't mean to sound depressing but like come to the whole fucking life is just like i don't know who the fuck i am like for real i like have had a year

where i was just like holy shit if i don't if i'm not doing stand-up what am i doing oh see me like all your eggs in that basket and then when it was taken away it's like holy shit yeah because it's like it's not just the it's not just the act of getting up every night it's like the family that you have and the people that you're surrounded by and that like that back and forth and just the common language and um there's there's just a bond that I have with comics that I don't even have with my own family. And when it almost felt like we were in a cult and it was going well and then the government broke it up. And now everybody's just like, well, how do we live? Because this is how we live. Right, right.

So it's very weird. Yeah, but think about the alternative is, if you don't even have that. If you just have, like, a regular-ass job and that sucks and then everything else sucks. You don't even feel, you don't ever feel the highs of when it's good, you know? Yeah, I mean, I do recognize how blessed I am to miss something this much. Right, yeah. You know, like, it has kind of made me understand like the shit that i bitched about about going on the road and being lonely and all of that was like why the fuck did i complain like

i was i had the best fucking job right you know and you know what's funny too though is like you say that you're like so now i've like got this new perspective or whatever oh i'll be bitching by the second i get 100 as soon as it's back like you're on the road at some studio The fun part is the bitching. Yeah. The fun part of work is bitching about being at work. Yeah. I mean, it's just like

the fun part of being in the pandemic is bitching about the pandemic. Right, yeah. And when we're back at work, we're all going to be like, God, we had it so fucking easy. We're going to go back home

and sit on the couch. We're going to put makeup on and pants on. Yeah. We were living the dream back then. Yeah. I mean, were Were you guys psyched when this first happened?

When it first happened, yeah. When it first happened, we were big advocates. This is sick. This is awesome. And not like this is sick. We acknowledged that there was a pandemic happening. But for our little worlds, it was nice to be like... Because we've been doing this for 10 years and when... Before, when we were just a blog,

we never left the house because i lived in boston kevin lived here like there were like four other employees who all lived like in their own homes we didn't have an office so we just went back to what we used to do like back to the old days boys let's get this grind going yeah and then like matt lasted like two weeks and then we still had like a little bit of fun for like i was going strong for a while but i got like i got like two months i got no i know i think I did the full bid. I think I was like, look, they want three months. I'll hit you three months.

I can do that for you. Yeah. And then after three months, I was like, okay. I knew what I signed up for. I knew it was light at the end of the tunnel. None of you other fucking assholes listened. And now I'm stuck here still. You're pissed because you held up your end of the deal.

And everybody else fucking did. Month four was a rough month. Yeah. Month four was a rough month. Yeah. Month four was a tough one. Yeah. But it's gotten a little bit better since then, I think, because we're back in the office now. A couple days a week. Yeah.

You do need something to make, like, being on the couch at home, you need, like, light and dark. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like when it's just sitting on the couch the whole time, you start to take it for granted. Yeah. You come back to work, you commute, whatever. It's like, oh, I want to get the fuck back home. Yeah.

You need, like, the balance. Yeah. And I will say, like, the shit that I, I'm, like, noticing my humanity returning in ways that I didn't realize it left. Like, where I'll take my dogs for a walk and I'm, like, enjoying it, you know? Like, I'm like, okay, I can clean clean my house and just like do the dishes and actually be fulfilled by those activities in a weird way where it's like before I would just be like anything that isn't stand up related or like something that I want to do that I decided to do is bullshit to me and I'm not going to do it. I was so locked into work and workaholism and

that was just the way that I functioned that now I'm like, okay, I can live a little bit. Go on trips with my fiance and go hiking and shit and watch him play in a river, which I won't do but he's

into it i've gotten a bit of that with the phone i've gotten particularly good because i've i've again 10 years of like blogging where like you had to be on the internet 24 7 where like i just got so incredibly locked into my phone and then like during the pandemic i realized like i can just put this down for a little bit. It's okay. I don't need to be on it. And now I'm getting almost too good at it now. I'll just leave my phone in the other room for three hours. Who cares?

And it's nice. I can't wait to join you there one day, bro. It's nice to be there, but also now I'm starting to worry at the other end. Am I not on it enough again? And it's only been a few weeks of me working on not being on it. Yeah, yeah. It feels a little bit like there's, I don't know, for a while I was like, am I, like, a frontier person, you know?

Because we were in L.A., which is so spread out, and so, like, there was nothing to do but, like, cook and hike. And I was like. I fucking love hiking in LA. I do too. You like walking? I'm not anti-hiking. I just never hear anyone talk about it outside of LA. Everyone goes, LA, I'll be with you.

Do you live here or do you live in LA? I live here eight months out of the year, and then I usually go to LA for four. Do you have a place in both spots? No, I'll figure it out. I always just figure it out and then take four months worth of clothes. It's unmanageable. It's not. I don't recommend it.

I guarantee that's a fucking fiasco. Yeah, it is not good. Every time you're like, all right, time to leave for four months. Let me just pack my stick and bindle here and hit the fucking road. A hundred percent. I take my dog on a plane like a white woman and I just fucking just get on the plane and like go and i thought for sure when i left this january i was like okay i'll be out there for two months i'll be out there for pilot season um and or part of pilot season and i was there through may because we just we

were like quarantining and i i fucking moved apartments in jan, in February, in March, and then stayed from March through May in the same place and then moved back here. That is a lot. So you moved in and out of a place? Yeah. That's like in, out once, in, out twice, in, out three times. That's like eight times you moved? Yeah. That's insane.

Yeah. I mean, because I was just like, I don't know. You're like kind of always on the road anyway. That's like eight times you moved? Yeah. That's insane. Yeah, I mean, because I was just like, I don't know. You're like kind of always on the road anyway. So I can kind of just bring a bunch of belongings and figure the rest out. I'm kind of that way. I always say I live a life like one of the assassins in Jason Bourne. Yeah. I got a go bag.

Yeah, I'm going to start saying that. Because that sounds better than what it really is. Which is just like a homeless. If you've seen the movies, they're just sitting there waiting for the next thing to happen. And that's basically what I do when I go on the road, on a trip or wherever. I'm just like, I'm just going to sit in this room until someone tells me to go to another room. 100%. That is exactly what it's like.

You go to some, I can't the world tells me. A hundred percent. That is exactly what it's like. You just, you go to some, I can't tell you the towns I've been in. Like I can, I can tell you the clubs I've been at, but I can't remember like where they were or like I'll picture a town that I was in and I'll be like, oh yeah, that was Nebraska. And somebody's like,

no, that was Idaho. Or like that was fucking Huntsville. I said what I said. Yeah. I just have no idea. I'm a fucking shit man. They're all the same. They're all the same.

They're all the same. Well, I appreciate you coming through. Yeah, this was so fun. Thank you very much. Thank you guys. That was a blast. Thanks for enlightening me about the Diva Cup. We really ran the gamut on topics today. Yeah, we did it all. We touched them all.

Sorry I couldn't make you puke. I honestly, God, it was... It was close. Once I get it down, I'm good. But when I just hear something totally new... If you watch the instructional video... Yeah, that'd probably get me. That'd probably get me.

We should have brought that up. Well, we just learned last week that pussies clean themselves. Yeah. And that was a new thing for us. And then I learned about this goddamn pussy bucket cup and I was just like, oh, I don't know anything about vaginas! I hope plastic

pussy bucket cup is the name of this episode. I really hope. Oh, for sure. For sure. Thank you very much, Roseball. That was fun. I want to say thank you, Roseball, but also like, I mean, she's ruined my life with the Diva Cup. I'm just going to be thinking about a couple. As soon as I got it down, I was like, the Diva Cup is funny.

It's funny, but I'm just going to be thinking about it. I'm going to be looking at girls and be like, you got a pussy bucket inside you right now? A blood bucket? What's going on in there? The idea of people reusing them. I mean, Christ. That's a little much. It's like when parents do like diapers.

It's like we use like the felt diapers or whatever it is. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you. So shout out to Rosebud. Let's not talk to Paul Verzi. I've been on his show before. I did a video series of his that's out now called Dude. I called it first time I've ever, I think, hopefully called something correctly in the sports world.

But Paul's stand stand-up comic. He's from my town, or from my county, I should say, Westchester. Paul, a big Bill Burr guy and a real funny New York attitude. So let's talk to him, Paul Verzi. You got it. We got Paul Verzi on KFC Radio. I did his show a little while back, and a new episode of his web series, Dude, You Called It, is out,

where I'm looking better every day with that one paul i uh i told him how i was convinced that steve cohen was eventually going to own the mets and we did this like earlier in quarantine when it was still uncertain and now my boy is coming to the forefront as the main bidder and i think it's the first time maybe in my entire history that I predicted something right in sports. Dude, it's looking really good. As a matter of fact, we had a couple people on. We had Tom Green on. We had Bill Burr, yourself, Tim Dillon. And you look like the one that, when we revisit this, is going to be the winner here.

What was Tim's? I feel like Tim predicted the downfall of society. Gisle and Maxwell. Yeah. What did Tim say? winner here really what was tim's i feel like tim predicted like the downfall society is playing maxwell yeah what did tim say no tim said that he um he thinks you're not going to be able to enter any ball games or anything moving forward without getting your temperature taken oh that's pretty fair i expected more from tim to be honest i think that's i think that's pretty fucking obvious at this point um what do you think my boy looks hungover here? 4 p.m. we're working right now, and my man's still going through it.

He says he gets one or two hangovers per year, and this is the one for him. Dude, all right, I'm going to be honest with you. I just got over mine 45 minutes ago. We went to my mother-in-law's pool last night with the kids. And it was one of those things where she was like, you want to stay for steaks? And I'm like, yeah, because let me make you this drink I make. And she makes me this one. It was just in a pool, had the drink. I was like, I need another one of those. Then we go to the cellar and get two bottles of wine.

Dude, it was. Yeah. So it took me until about a good two, two o'clock, a little two 45 to be like back. If anyone, if anyone ever offers you like, this is this drink I make, that's 100% going to knock you on your ass for a long time. Like no,

no one's like, here's this drink I make and it's fucking pineapple juice. Like it's like, it's got six different rums in it you're talking about like your mother-in-law made it so she's wise she's a veteran of the game she's seen some shit she's cooking up something that doesn't taste bad at all

but will get you absolutely fucking hammered that's a dangerous one you gotta stay away from or you just gotta and also I think when you're drinking in a pool I think you get drunker in a pool when you're surrounded by a body of water it just goes through you faster well that was my next thing to say is that if you're in a pool, I think you get drunker in a pool. When you're surrounded by a body of water, it just goes through you faster. Well, that was my next thing to say is that if you're in a pool and it's 95 degrees and the pool is amazing and somebody gives you a good drink, chances are you're going at least one or two more. I swear to God, I do this thing where when I sip

my first drink, when I sip, sip number one on drink number one I know right after that sip I'm having another one Yeah I'm like yeah I'm having another one This is just delicious I feel like I know when Like within that first sip

I'll be like Yep we're blacking out tonight Like forget about my second drink I either know Like ah that kind of went down Like glass Or like you know I got some shit to worry about

But when I know Alright schedule's clear This drink was good I got the twinkle in my eye, I can sense that one coming. I feel like Saturday night around 6 o'clock when you don't have anything else to do on Sunday and there's either like UFC fights or like you know somebody's coming over, maybe smoke a cigar and have one or two,

you know Sunday's going to be a little, You know Sunday is going to be a little rough. I was going to say Monday. Let me tell you two a little secret. I don't have anything tomorrow but therapy. I am going to get drunk as soon as I finish this interview. Hair of the dog, baby. It never fails. It never fails it never fails dude yo so uh paul i had my uh uh birthday for my three-year-old and um i i don't know if i can even i don't know if i should say this but

coronavirus is the best thing that's ever happened at little kids birthday parties man it was fucking great we kept it tight just had a couple family members over i inflated a little fake pool i didn't have to worry about like his friends coming over and the parents that I don't really know. I didn't have to rent out a place for like two grand. He splashed around in the pool, had the time of his fucking life. I was like, I wish every birthday could be coronavirus, COVID-19 quarantine. This is great. Dude, I do a blowout 4th of July party that just, it happened a couple of years ago and then it just turned into this tradition. And normally it's like 50, 60 people, and it's a lot, man.

I'm barbecuing, finding out how everyone's doing. This year, we were only able to have a small gathering, but I still put on the fireworks show that's incredibly illegal, and everybody wants to see. And you know what? When you only got to entertain and make burgers and dogs for like a handful, and you still have the same great time, it's like it's the same thing. It's incredible. It was so much easier.

I saved so much money. And what do you think about this move? So I went out. I got a shit ton of presents. I wrapped them all up. Great rapper, by the way. Great present rapper. Kevin's a very good rapper.

It's my hidden talent. Nobody would realize it, but I can fucking rap. I'm i'm like martha stewart with that shit it's crazy wow well you always like that or i like ever since we were little kids like when we would get like a present for our dad or my mom or whatever i was always the one to wrap it even my sister when you were a kid yeah oh i didn't know i see the matrix with it bro i just i just get it kevin kevin raps presents so good that him and you're like, I hope no one ever opens that. So guess what? It looks very nice.

He didn't. Nobody opened those presents. So the one present I had that I couldn't wrap was a big bag of dinosaur toys. And it was like a clear plastic bag. So he went right for that, was playing with these dinosaurs all day, and had no interest in anything else. So I just fucking took all the presents back and I'm just going to give it to him during potty training.

Every time he pisses in the toilet, here's a gift. Is that okay? I thought you were going to return them. No, no, I'm not going to return them. But is it okay to buy and then he's not interested in anything else and I just stash the presents away for another time?

Yeah. Yeah, right? You can call me. Am I being a cheap asshole should i just buy another set of gifts too i think you're a good dad for thinking of it because you know a real piece of shit would just just do it yeah you know you thought about it for a second you were like wait a minute is this okay you know what and you actually so that makes you it makes it okay oh boy how the bar is so low the bar is think about so low you're spot on you're like all right you acknowledged it you're a good person though like a real cheap piece of

shit like oh great next year you know like you actually have to go is this cool like am i is this i am kind of shit but yeah no it's okay like and i think that and then the beauty of it is corona man i mean you know i just i couldn't give him all his gifts. COVID-19. I don't know what that means, but sure. Fuck it. Whatever, man. That checkout lady, she looked a little squirrely. I wasn't sure.

I had to save it for a few months. I can't go back. You tried to get back on stage, like right after you did get back on stage, right after we talked or right before we talked, I guess. Are you still back out there? Or was that kind of like, I feel like a lot of comedians tested the waters. A couple of people tested positive, things didn't go well. And some people shut it down. Are you still out there? Or was it just a one and done? No. So I went out to, when I went out to Arizona, you know, cause once I had, once me and my family

had the antibodies, I called my, my agent, I called, and William Morris was really good because they actually called hospitals out there. I got to give them credit. Like we they weren't sending me out there and I wasn't going out there until even though I had antibodies until we really asked questions. And I was there were like 50, 50 percent capacity. You're going to be completely separated. No meet and greets, blah, blah, blah, this and that. They called hospitals. Everything seemed. And then when I got out there, literally like the days I was out there, they started I was in the suburbs of Phoenix so it wasn't that bad but they started to there were

like rumblings of dude Phoenix it's going to be really bad so I did the shows the shows were amazing got back and then like two weeks later they shut it down and then last week I was at Governor's in Long Island to just do um I was in Levittown they just said do you want to do a patio show Saturday night two shows and I ended up doing that I was like Levittown. They just said, do you want to do a patio show Saturday night, two shows? And I ended up doing that. I was like 12 feet away from the front row of people and I did it. It sucks because my, I'm in a weird position.

We're ready for the next hour. So the next special, we're ready to go. It's just a matter of the date and doing it. I actually, I'll take that though because it's not like I just put something out and now I haven't worked any material. I'm ready. Right. Everybody that wants to be a part of this is like, it's better than I'll say this. And I'm proud of, I'll say this. So it's like, I'm ready to go. We're ready to put it out there. It's just a matter of when I can do it, but I want it to

stay sharp. Now, now it looks like I got to pick and choose where I'm going to go. And it's just like, is it going to be weeks? Cause I said this before, and this is not against any comedians, none of my peers. I'm not trying to talk shit about anybody. People got to make money, but I'm just not standing on the back of a fucking pickup truck, yelling at cars. I'm going to put on rubber gloves and stand on a picnic table and I'm not doing it. So I worked so hard and those are like such hell gigs when you're coming up. And now that like, so I'll, I will do things, but they need to be conducive to comedy and they need to be what comedy should be. Do you feel like when you have the antibodies, I feel like I would be like a goddamn superhero.

I feel like I'm in the Avengers. I'd be like walking around, like whatever, come at me, man. I'm good. I did until all of these doctors are telling us different things. You know, one doctor last three months. Another doctor is like, it could be like the flu shot where in a year, you know, you can get it again. And they just unfortunately just don't know. So that's the, but I do feel better that my body saw it and was like, oh, like if it comes back, it's like, oh, I remember you.

It's like you won the fight. You got in a scrap. You felt shitty, but whatever. Like you can handle yourself. You know what you're doing. Like if I, if COVID was a dude and I saw him at the end of the bar after the first

fight, I just be like, we know what happened the first time. I want to go back outside. I had, I had a buddy who, who, uh,

didn't have the antibodies. Well, he has the antibodies now, but he had COVID too, which is weird. I've only had one friend who had COVID. I know a fairly good amount of people. I know one person who had this incredibly infectious disease, but he likes telling everyone that he's invincible. He got in a literal fight about it with his dad where he was like, I'll go to the market.

I'm invincible. And his dad was like, shut the fuck up. Stop saying you're invincible. If you know him, it's even better. I get to see him saying that too. I'm invincible.

You pussies. I'll do it. I'll take it. I'm invincible. You know, we just don't like – that's the thing. We don't know. And what's scary is they're saying things with their heart. So, like, I'm asking my doctor, like, are me and my – because my wife, we all had it.

So it's like, are we going to be in five years? Is there going to be something that happens that's because of that? And they're saying they don't think so, but it's just kind of – it's just up in the air, man. It's like – You got to just be a clown to not be cautious. You know what I mean? It's like, sure, you have it, but don't be a fucking idiot. I mean the people doing meet and greets –

I mean I got to be honest. Again, I don't want to – I don't even have anybody specifically in mind. I don't know which comics have done them and who hasn't. But if you're a comic doing a meet and greet right now, not only are you an idiot, you're just a fucking asshole. It's the most conducive thing to spreading disease. You know what I mean? It's like let's get everybody together and make sure they all talk to you and touch you and get close enough that they can get it. You can spread a fucking disease.

It's insane to want to do that. It's just such a narcissistic, selfish thing to do. And it's like, look, man, when this thing goes away, you'll be able to do that all you want. But the more you're doing that, the longer we're not going to be able to do it. Right. Right. Yeah. You're ruining it for like the future.

So just shut it down now and wait till it's all fucking better. What else is cooking out there, man? You're up in the 9-1-4, right? You're still in Westchester. What's going on otherwise? Love it. No, nothing, man. You know, it's like without doing the stand-up when we're ready to go,

it's building the YouTube channel which is going great the dude i called it web series and just trying to you know got two kids so trying to stay busy with them um how old are you kids my kid my son is uh my son just turned 11 my daughter just turned 80 so you want them back to school right bro uh you know what i mean i know you don't if it's dangerous but you want them to get out of the fucking house right it's because with them it's just always what like we will we will go to a friend's house stay all day they're in the pool they're playing ps4 and then it's a great day and then as soon as we get home hey so tomorrow what are we doing and they're just like i mean we just did that like there's there could be not 10 minutes of them just having –

and I go, why don't you just sit down in your room and play by yourself? He just got an iPhone 11, and he's just like – so, yeah, I mean, I don't know if school is going to happen in September in Westchester. Yeah, I mean, the – if you can't entertain yourself now as a kid, I mean, could you imagine your kids back in the day? I don't even remember what I used to fucking do. I used to just climb a tree and then jump out of it and climb it again.

I don't know. Before you figure out you can watch porn and jump off. I used to read bottles of shampoo. Yeah, you just read shit. That's it. I would get random ingredients. I would just read. That's what I did to entertain myself as a child. That's some boring-ass shit.

How goddamn – that's going to be like my uphill school both ways kind of deal. I used to read shampoo bottles. While I was shitting, I used to read the ingredients of toothpaste. I'm reading Ajax bottles. And now you could read anything in the world. Like literally, you could see what's going on. That's the other thing. Me and Giannis, we got guns against our wives.

Oh, okay. This should go good. You two idiots with fucking firearms. Let's see how this plays out. It was kind of my fault. Like I said to Giannisis i go hey dude you want to go to dicks i gotta go get something he goes yeah no i want to get weights like you want to get like free weights or whatever because all the gyms everything wait wait wait you guys

and you're like ah fuck it no a nine millimeter you're gonna love this you're gonna love this one of my closest friends neighbor hilarious so we he we talk we hang all the time you know and we were quarantined together so i was like he's like i'm gonna go to i'll go to dicks too like i needed to get something for my son then he's like i want to get free weights i can't go to the gym so i just go let's go look in the hunting thing let's just go so the hunting thing was emptied out there was no rifles no shotguns but then that got me you know when you kind of have your mind on something. So then I called another dicks. We're like, yeah, that wasn't enough of a sign. Don't get guns, Paul. I'm going to now track down the

firearms. And my Oh, by the way, let me let me let me let me go back and say my wife does not want my wife wanted to have a discussion first. Because I bought a Lexus once without like, she just got a call from Geico. And she goes, buying a car and i was like yeah and that did not go well so now uh we go to this other dicks i called up so you guys got firearms in there said i'm looking for a rifle looking for shotgun uh janice and i both first-time gun owners if we do this we don't know what we're i can't believe janice is a first-time gun owner. I figure Giannis had a fucking, like, full-on, like, a whole assault room of just things to kill people with. Yeah. So the guy sees – I see this, like, camouflaged, like,.22 rifle.

And he goes, oh, that's a single shot. He goes, we got a semi-automatic 10-shot if you want. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. So let me look at that. So it's a.22. It's light. It's easy. So then I go, Giannisice hold this thing janice hold it he's like oh my god this is light easy you know it looks like a bb gun and we're like yeah we'll take two we'll take two how much does a gun like that run you by the way i don't know any you could tell me that's like

a thousand dollars a hundred i would know i have no idea the the tag on the gun was 219 dollars but once you got the the the case for it the ammo for it the cleaner for it you're talking like probably 350 okay that's still not i mean yeah so now we buy like uh this that we buy 1100 rounds for 60 bucks in a box at least 22 and and it was one of those dicks where you had to go down in the escalator. So I didn't have service. Oh, you couldn't call. I'm sorry, honey. Couldn't call you before I bought this incredibly dangerous thing. So the guy's like, you know, it's a small game gun.

You know, it's possums and squirrels. It's not going to kill anybody. And me and Giannis kind of felt like bitches because there were people online. So I'm like, no, but if we go up close, right? I could kill someone, though, right? I could kill someone though, right? I could kill him. If I put it in the guy's fucking mouth. I mean, if it's up to his temple, he's gone, right?

I mean, there was literally a woman online going, yeah, it's a nice gun. It's kind of like a target gun, but you know, it was literally a blonde woman saying that to us so uh yannis felt comfortable because it wasn't too powerful i felt comfortable but my wife we go upstairs they have to walk so when you buy a gun at dicks just so for your listeners when you buy a gun you have all you really have to have if it's a rifle or a shot because you have to have a valid license with the address on your license matching where you really live or the registration of your

car with the matching address that's it and after that obviously i can't buy a gun yeah i don't if you're a felon you know it's over so um they have to walk you out now so they have to walk you to the car with it and the bullets cannot be in the trunk with the like the bullets and the gun need to be in separate parts of the car, backseat trunk. So I'm paying for this thing. And my wife texts, where are you guys? I said, we're at Dick's. She says, get anything?

I said, we just bought rifles. She waited. And then I just saw the three dots. And then she goes, I hope you're kidding I look over at Giannis and I go dude I go you're gonna have to come in the house because she her and Giannis are friends you got to come in with me and I go and he looked at me and I go buddy I've known you for years I looked at him guys with the most sincerity I go you got I've never asked you for a favor I go you gotta come in the house with me.

And he just starts laughing. And then he's texting with his wife. And he goes, hold on. This isn't going great either. True story. My wife goes, you better be, you know, you better be kidding and be getting home with flowers or something. Long story short, we go home to our wives. They're not happy. I got two bouquets of flowers and the gun. I walk in with the gun

and the flowers. I give her the flowers. I call a family. Literally guns and roses. Literally guns and roses. I call a family meeting about how serious it was. And I got to be honest, she was only pissed. See, this is what happened don't i'm not trying to encourage your listeners but this is what happened i noticed something she was mad guys for probably two hours but then i realized something she liked it too she liked it there's a thing there okay and i'm not trying to be some macho primal shit though right yeah there's a thing where it's like i'm gonna protect my fucking family it's it's only and oh here. There's a thing where it's like, I'm going to protect my fucking family. It's, it's only, and, and, oh, here, oh, here's a part that I left out.

You're going to tell your family from possums. Yeah. If your, if your family's attacked by a swarm of quails. I told her online when she said, I hope you're kidding. I said it basically a BB gun. That's what I told her. And then she found out that it was not.

And we have a friend who's a cop who came over and Stacy goes Paul why don't you ask can a 22 and my buddy who's a cop he goes oh dude that'll kill that kills the most people that's not why I invited you over here man enjoy our drink I love that move of Bree and Yonason because that's like such

like a relatable moment when you're like, look, I know my girlfriend's mad at me. Will you just stay here for a little bit? You need cover. She's not going to yell at me if you're here. Right. So will you just stick around, please? She'll berate me.

She won't say anything to another woman's husband. You're just there. Literally get the gun out and provide some cover for me. That's why you're there, man. Did you have to do the same for him? i blacked out him what's that sorry go ahead no no so we went to we got tickets to the when i opened for burr at the garden the first time not this last time but the first time uh you know we got like we got perks so we go to ranger game we're sitting with like tom Hanks and we're drinking.

Dude, me, Bill, our buddy who owns Gotham Comedy Club, a bunch of people went out. And, I mean, we're throwing down vodka sodas, like half and halves of vodka and soda, dude. And by the end of the night, we go to a bar after the game. I mean, it was – and I got to come up to Westchester. I'm hanging out with them. And I go to Burr's apartment and Burr goes, Bursey, I can't, you got to sit down. You can't go. And I go, no, I got to, he goes, you got to sit down.

And I had to get my son on the bus at seven o'clock in the morning. He goes, dude, I'm not letting you drive. You're not driving. So he goes, just sit down, dude, two hours, knowing that I pass out. Dude, I passed out cold and I woke up. I looked at my phone. I'll never forget. It was 719 and my wife is crying. Say, I got to explain to your son. And I go, no, I did the right thing.

Anyway, brr, he jumped on a grenade for me. He called her and he goes, hey, he took a little mustard off the fastball. He goes, listen, he goes, it's he did that. Trust me, he was in no position so just kind of go easy on him so then i went but you need a friend like like if yannis or bill or my buddy bartnick or like there's a few people that if they call stace my wife and they're like stace trust me he did then she'll be she'll still be mad but it really eases the blow yeah yeah you need and those are like and you can't just be any friend too it's like if you have like you know your your 10th friend on the list call it's like i don't give

a fuck what steve has to say but if it's yannis or bill or something like that og guys then they get it it's like your top five that have been in your home eating dinner with your wife multiple yeah exactly you can't you know what it is it's not that she's any really less mad and maybe bill explains you know you would do the smart thing to drive or whatever really what it is? It's not that she's any really less mad. And maybe Bill explains, you know, the smart thing to drive or whatever. Really what it is is she now knows that Bill knows the situation and that if she's like a stark raving asshole to you, like everybody knows. You know what I'm saying? It almost like it makes her be like, well, now I can't be a total dick to him

because Bill knows. Yes, yes, because then they're gonna ask how i have that go right a hundred percent and it's like now now you've let someone into our business so now i gotta like mitigate it a little bit and also i'm gonna shoot you with the gun and you know whatever my my father did the same thing he told us the story uh like the same thing with you and alexis when my dad had a uh i think a toyota supra like an old like 80s like two two-door coupe and uh my brother was either born or she was about to pop him out and she was like you know we can't have this like sports car anymore you got to go uh go get like a family car so he takes the the the toyota super

down to like the dealership and he gets talked into a second one and he comes home with another sports car and my mom was, are you fucking kidding me? He was like, it was a great deal. He gave me this. He gave me that. She's like, what are we going to do with two two-door coupes, you asshole? I couldn't turn it down. You guys just did that with guns, basically.

What a world, man. Dude, my brother would buy a – my brother, my older brother, Christian, he's five years older than me. He can't say no. He can't say no to the point where somebody knocked on his door and sold him a $1,400 vacuum. He lived in a studio, and he was just like, oh, that guy's a nice guy. And then he started doing it. The fucking vacuum is no joke, though.

That could happen to you. If you lived in the era of door to door salesmen You would own knives and vacuums And fucking all sorts of shit I came to New York for a field trip once As a kid And I ran out of the money my parents had given me Buying shit

No buying just CDs from guys in Times Square Those guys are great They put it in your hand They squeeze your hand around it And they're're like, well, you bought it. Now you got to give it to me. You have no choice. This is the third time this happened today. No, you know what?

That really says something about the person you are. I believe people like that. So when I was like 20, 21, like 21 years old, when I dropped out of college to do stand-up, but I obviously needed income. So I was selling phone cable internet door-to-door in Queens and Manhattan for RCN. And I was literally 21 years old, making like 50 a year. And at 21, that's like, you know, it was like just knocking doors.

But people that were, you could tell, there's some people that just, no, like close the door. But then there were those people that like were just like, you know, like you. I'll listen to you. Suckers, go on. Dumb assholes. Yeah, we get it. People you're taking advantage of. You could tell, man.

And it was wild to do. It was wild to see how people would react, man. And I saw some, I can tell you this. I saw some really fucking wild shit knocking door to door in Queens. I went to one apartment, and I can't prove it, but it smelled like they were cooking or making drugs, and it was weird. It was like sterile and weird. One time, this woman was like walking to the door angry. And I'll never forget this, dude.

She's walking to the door angry, and she comes in, and I don't really see her, but she's dressed nice. She's got like jeans and a sweater and she gets there and back because i was just like because i'm normally you know i'm gonna fight for the sale we got more hbo's and and you saw things and i remember and you could see the anger in her probably obviously because of what she went through and i was just like wow like so i saw some things and it would it made me feel so bad for her and what she's going through but it kind of took the fight out of me. I'm not going to sell you this shitty cable package. You only have half a face. Dude, I saw wild stuff.

There were things going on in houses. One guy had like fucking reptiles in his house. The place that I moved into now when my landlord, who's like a family friend, when they left and he went up there to clean it it up and shit there was over 400 fish tanks i didn't know yeah like 400 aquariums that he was like you had to like you had to like walk through it like a maze because there was so many fucking fish tanks that's insane he was like what the fuck am i supposed to do with all you had to like they they just left it and just bounced and he was like i have to now get rid of 400 fish tanks that had like weird dead fish and shit people are weird man when you david sedaris has a story about uh when he was like coming up in new york kind of

kind of same kind of deal where he was to pay the bills he was a house cleaner and he just talked about all the different houses he was in and how weird everything was and like i guess, I guess it's kind of one of those things that people talk about. It's like, oh, yeah, you work in retail. You deal with a lot of people. People are fucking insane in every aspect of the world. I mean, they are. If you have any job where you're looking into other people's literal lives or, I mean, you will find the worst in humanity.

No doubt. We were talking about this a couple weeks ago. lives or, I mean, you will find the worst in humanity, no doubt. We were talking about this a couple weeks ago. Do you think that in general the world is a good place or a bad place? Or are people more, how do we phrase it? Like, for the most part, you're going to go about your business. You're going to wake up tomorrow, go to work, see your kids. You're not going to get murdered, probably.

You'll probably live your life and it'll be okay. So does that mean the world in general is an okay place? Or do you think that most people are assholes? And, you know, luckily in comedy, it's taken me not only across the United States, but over the, across the ocean, the world. And I think for the most part in my experience of doing what I do and entertaining and doing stand up from what I saw. I think most people are good, but the percentage that's not really, it's actually like, right. It's like, so, so it's a smaller percentage of people that are, are haters and that are evil and that want to see things just burn. But that small percentage is such a malignant cancer that it feels like more. And I think that that's the shit that we're seeing now in the world. I think for the most part, all different cultures right now, I think black, white, whatever, Asian, purple, I think everybody's watching the TV

and watching their phones going, wow, this is the world's a little fucked up. Yeah, yeah. I really do. I think that everybody's going, whoa, things are getting this is nuts. But what they're showing and as far as what people see is, oh, that's the world right there. When it's just basically a few cities and a few blocks and a few of these like militia cults pretty much. And we're thinking, but no, dude, I think when you sit and you talk to somebody and you could actually talk to them, I know this shit sounds corny and cliche, but I believe that if you sit with somebody and I have family members that are very conservative. And I've seen them interact, and sometimes you'll catch a glimpse of them kind of like nodding to each other and be like, oh, I get that. And you're like, yeah, it's just because people just don't talk.

They're only willing to extend that courtesy to like family members or friends. Everyone else is just like, you're a stranger? Fuck you. I'm going to shoot you with my gun from dicks, you know? You're never going to be at a barbecue playing beanbag toss with a guy that's completely different from you and right you're already coming from like-minded yeah yeah yeah yeah so i i think that but nobody's really talking and i and the divide dude i was talking to a couple comedians about the the way the country is so divided right now it's it makes you almost people are drawing a line in the sand or i think back in the day you could be on different sides and still have oh everything's okay yeah now you don't need to get back to

there was a time where it was like you don't talk about religion you don't talk about politics and then we started talking about all those things and now i think we need to go back to not talking about those things do you remember do you guys remember the movie sleepers yeah oh yeah no yeah sleepers are yeah it was it was brutal it was about the kids that were molested by the and then they found them and then it's brutal and but remember they were in a bar and something came up politically and another guy at the bar just goes hey hey we don't talk about that here yeah we it's not you know you could talk sports you could talk like we're not we're not doing that here. Yeah, it's not. You know, you could talk sports. You could talk like we're not doing that here. And it kind of was like I was thinking about that, Kev, where I'm like, yeah, it should be that again.

Right. Like social media, real life. Just we don't do it anymore. The world would be a much happier place. The world would be a happier place and we would definitely be. But to answer your question, I think for the most part, the brainwashing that's gone on and you know you have

CNN battling Fox News they're going back and forth so that just makes people but I think if you took that away for the most part deep down inside I would say people are good

once you get in the pool and you drink you know your mother-in-law's special cocktail everybody gets along you know what listen I'll hug anybody

once I have two or three of those. Amen, brother. I'm in a nice chilly pool at 95 degrees outside. I love it, dude. I appreciate the time. So we got the Verzi Effect is the podcast. Dude, I Called It is the YouTube series. Tickets, if anything, you know, ever materializes, God willing, Paul Verzi.

Coming up at the Funny Bone in Connecticut in September, Salt Lake City in October. Both of those right now are still on the YouTube channel we just launched. It's doing great. And the dude I called it right now with KFC, the episode's doing great. Your prediction of the Mets owner coming back into the picture is looking really good. God willing, dude. You said that weeks and weeks ago, and Tom Green predicted that he's going to find Bigfoot,

and he was serious. Yeah, he's a big-time truther. Him and Pedroia? Yeah, Dustin Pedroia. Pedroia's a big one. Yeah, like no fucking around. Dustin Pedroia. Pedroia thinks it's Bigfoot?

Oh, and he's like, how could it not be real? It's on a flag or something like that. We've seen a picture, dude. He's like, in Oregon, they have it on a flag, or it's like, how could it not be real? It's on a flag or something like that. We've seen a picture, dude. He's like, in Oregon, they have it on a flag or it's on their state. There's something about it where he's just like, it's 100% real. He gets mad if you question him on it. He's like, yeah, of course it's fucking real. That's great.

Well, dude, thank you. And yes, and I got so many other people on the Dude I Called It thing. And the special right now, man, it's doing great. There's a resurgence because of the pandemic. So I appreciate it, man. You got it, dude. We'll talk soon, all right? Thank you so much, Paul.

Have a good one. I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me I'll bring them to the life It's only life This is The soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life

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To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

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To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh Yeah, yeah, yeah