KFC Radio - Ryan Long, Alan Tudyk, and We're Gonna Cut That

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -Wallstreet Bets has nicknamed Dave Portnoy Paper Hands Bitch Boy after he sold all his meme stock -Would you risk switching penises at random with someone else in the world? -The dystonia cheerleader -Lil Uzi got a diamond implanted in his skull -AITA Thursday -Voicemails (01:36:00) Ryan Long joins the show. We talk about the success he had in Canada before moving to the states, playing with meme stocks, sketch comedy, and much more. (02:20:30) Alan Tudyk joins the show! We talk about his tenured career in sci-fi franchises, quitting stand up comedy after being threatened with violence, pirate school, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @RyanLongComedy @AlanTudyk Subscribe to the KFC Radio Youtube Channel for the full podcast: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Subscribe to the KFC Radio Clips Youtube Channel for the best clips: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCspldj_2KhBix7eVxe2H8xgYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. And, you know, yeah, listen, if you have, like, a happy life and a happy family, great. This podcast isn't for you. You're not listening. You haven't been for about seven years. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Here, Barstool Sports led by the man now known as Paper Hands. That Paper Hands bitch, Dave Portnoy. Couldn't even hold the line for like two days.

Why did he sell? Because he's a Paper Hands bitch. Some men have diamond hands, some have paper. Page views, paper page views is a soft little bitch i just learned all of these terms moments ago and they're all now my favorite words in the english language paper hands and diamond hands they you know wall street's got great memes and great like terms and great everything i think is ryan long on this episode yeah yeah i mean like objectively the wall street people are very funny. Oh, it's hilarious.

Even the hedge fund, man. I'm pro hedge fund, I think. I'm also diamond hands. Bro, people, people, people. You're not diamond hands. You got fat sausage hands. I'm dumb head. Like, I don't know.

I haven't tried, really. Oh, you're diamond hands because you'll just hold it forever. I just don't know how to show. You're not diamond hands like, I'll weather the storm. You're not diamond hands like I'll weather the storm. You're just like, let me know when the storm's killed me. Right, exactly. Oh, wow, how beautifully said. You're like diamond head to toe, just fucking indestructible in a weird way.

Except for also very destructive. Right, you are like a paradox. I'm like a Death Star. Like there's one little button that will just kill me instantly. The whole thing. Yeah. But the rest of it is pretty fortuitous. Pretty fortified.

Yeah. Yeah, man. I mean, Wall Street bets, what sucks for them. I said fortuitous. Well, you said fortified. Yeah. You were the right one. Yeah.

Well, hang on a second. You got to give me like a yeah obviously what that you got it right you have to get it wrong well this is that you would obviously be right when you said no this morning oh man that's bad i typed i texted kno for no and no know i said like no i said like no i was like we don't have to comma comma, no. K-N-O-W. So don't give me that look. Like, yeah, of course I was the right one. Anyway, paper hands, bitch.

No, no is bad. The only other time that really fucked me up when I thought I was getting really stupid was when I said Seinfeld and I wrote S-I-G-N. What? Yeah, this was like 2012 when I was blogging. And I think that was the first time I fell off. That was the first time I realized I was a dumb person. That was the first time people were like, you know, are you worried about like this job and you're not going to be commuting and going to an office and talking and interacting and learning and da-da-da-da. Like you're going to get dumb, you know?

And I was like, I don't know. Yeah, like you're not going to – Do you do a lot of learning in offices? That's what I was – I was kind of like, I don't think so. But then after just like 10,000 blogs in a i wrote seinfeld and i was like now i probably would have written that like at deloitte but the point was i was just getting you realized yeah i was like oh yikes and then hamilton the hamilton island fiasco was really bad too those are the three like dumbest moments of my life the hamilton island i also i get you get a lot of shit for that i'm like completely understand i mean it's pretty bad just like there would i would

know of an island like very close to america in the in the atlantic that was called hamilton if it exists there's no shot i mean i remember thinking like there are i'm gonna go on a vacation there islands down the eastern seaboard that i haven't heard of i don't think there are not in the caribbean yes but like where it is but also i think the eastern seaboard that I haven't heard of. I don't think there are. Caribbean, yes. But like where Bermuda is. Caribbean, yes, but also I think the eastern seaboard. Are there? I don't think there are many.

I bet there's an island off of. Like the Outer Banks type area. Like there's islands out there. Sure, don't know where that is. Heard of the Netflix show. I'll tell you what, geography is not our strong suit. Actually, can you Google that? Can you Google islands on the eastern seaboard of America?

John's so dumb we can't even Google this. I want to see how right – because I'm taking pride in the fact that I'm going to be right on this. Right. I'm going to be right about how wrong I am. I feel like if there was a place that you could vacation to, we would know more about them. Nope, I'm wrong. Jekyll Island? Never heard of it.

Yeah, Kevin. These aren't real places. Are they? Yeah, okay. Well, I mean, they are real. No, well, see, I'm wrong. Jekyll Island? Never heard of it. Yeah, Kevin, these aren't real places. Are they? Yeah, okay. I know Fire Island. Go to that Jekyll Island. Is that inhabited? Just look at stocks.

That joke will make sense in about an hour. Ryan Long's on the show today. It's very funny. That doesn't look like a real island. Jekyll Island, that looks like... That's like where they bury dead people and stuff. Oh, I was going to say it's in the UAE. New Georgia.

New Georgia. See, of course there are tons of islands. This is why I was always on you. I was like, there's plenty. It wouldn't be crazy if we'd all heard of Hamilton Island. Yeah, I mean, nobody knew that the fucking capital of Bermuda was fucking Hamilton until I did it. So everyone can fuck off. But yeah, no was a tough one.

I was like, I mean, I'm going to give you shit for it. But whatever. It happens. It happens. It happens to all of us. It's a dumb language, to be honest. It's a dumb language. Could you imagine learning this language?

English? Yeah. And then being like, you idiot. You said no instead of no. And they're like, why the fuck do you have two words like that? Well, that's why I get mad at fucking Europeans. Oh, I'm constantly mad at Europeans. All the time.

Yeah, you didn't know this about me? They're like, we speak four languages. They're all the same goddamn fucking language. Yeah, it's like a little bit of a different accent. It's a slight, like, oh, I speak Portuguese, Spanish, French. It's the same language. If you speak Spanish and Italian and Portuguese and Spanish, you speak one language. Right.

That's all one language. With one fucking language. One language. You goddamn asshole. French and German. You braggadocious bitches. Yeah. What's Portuguese for braggadocious?

You cunt. Make that a reel. Make that a reel right now. Back to paper hands portnoy oh yeah right paper hand that that paper hands bitch goes on a media tour like all week long it's a revolution hold the line amc gamestop nokia do, we're going to change the world, goes on with Chris Cuomo like eight hours before and was like, I want to be on the joke. It was actually a very funny interview.

Chris Cuomo was like, I think Dave flat out said, these are all terrible investments. And Chris Cuomo was like, so why are you doing it? And Dave goes, I want to do the memes and chris cuomo just goes turns his head like a dog okay i don't know about that one see but dave's 100 right oh yeah cuomo you just don't get the joke right dave's right but then he sold in the morning well dave's wrong there so dave was right in that moment but so here's the thing he lost 700k he got out cut his losses down 700k so on the one hand you can't be like he's one of the the billionaires playing us like he fucking lost money yeah on the other hand

dave losing 700k is like he'll do that on like the first half over of a fucking big 10 basketball game you know like i can't believe he would give up the material and the persona of being like the the leader of the revolution for 700k at the money he makes now but the on the third hand isn't it the most dave thing ever to be like oh yeah i don't care about this you know like oh uh oh you thought like i don't care what wall street what reddit says about me i mean oh i'm i'm a gambler i i gotta get back to gambling like um but he's also not a gambler. I got to get back to gambling. But he's also not a gambler anymore. Well, I guess that's my question.

How much? Yeah. That's been for about a year. Right. And in this world, it's kind of like, what have you done for me lately? You can't be like, oh, I used to blog. It's like, well, you haven't done that in 10 years. You're the pizza guy, and now you're the finance guy.

Dave tweets about finance far more and he's getting murdered every time he does so really like ratio to hell and back people like oh again kind of funny things this is the first time he's ever i think been on the wrong side with people who are funny and who get like usually he's always getting you know harassed by you know blue check marks and justice warriors all the cliches where it's like, okay, I don't care. You're not my people anyway, but these are like the funny wall street guys.

These are like the meme guys. These are, these are wall street bets. Like wall street bets put up on their, on their, on their Reddit page, like paper hands, bitch,

like fuck this guy. They're done with him. I was listening to, uh, uh, Tim Dillon had like the, like the most me, it was ridiculous. He was like, yes, I'm the, I'm the most meme. It was ridiculous.

He was like, yes, I'm the meme lord of Wall Street Bets. Like said it dead ass honest. He gets like the most Reddit karma. He's just got like fire memes. He puts up like really good gifs. Tim Dillon does? No, he had him on his show. Oh, I see.

And they were just like, he was just like, yeah, like we're all like, you know, like fuck that guy. Done with him. Interesting. Really? Interesting. I have the most fire memes. But they also were, it was actually, fuck that guy. Done with him. Interesting. Really? Interesting. I have the most fire. But they also were, it was actually a very interesting interview.

It's on his Patreon. Not his regular shit. But they were, he was liking it. Like, they hate that Elon Musk has co-signed it and that AOC is talking about it. And it's like when your band goes pop. They're like, this isn't fun anymore. Like, their Reddit, their page is up to, like, seven and a half million people now but it had like two million and so all these new people like they don't get it like he was like we used to crush everyone elon musk could

get it jeff bezos could get it we had no you know messiah we had no nothing except like just trash everybody and now it's like now netflix is making the movie and in the news. It's going to be terrible. Terrible. Like if they could stop that, like they should. He was like, yeah, Shia LaBeouf will play one of the guys on Wall Street. No, it's Noah Centino. Oh, that was actually true? Yeah. Oh, that's so even worse. I thought that's how bad that hiring is.

The dude said Shia LaBeouf and Tim said Noah Centino. I thought that was like a joke. I thought Tim was picking the worst person possible. Literally, that's the last person in Hollywood who should do that. That's terrible. I can't believe people still like him. He was entertaining. Actually, I hated the fucking one movie he did.

What was that called? To All the Girls I've Loved Before. Yeah, I never watched that one. I hated that. I hated that. He showed his cock then. Well, he got like leaked. Yeah, oh, right.

You're talking about making a girl squirt. Yeah, he had a hammer cock. Yeah, he did. So he's been doing it. He had a. Oh, right. You're talking about making a girl squirt. Yeah, he had a hammer cock. Yeah, he did. So he's been doing it. He had a nice piece, yeah. I would trade dicks with him in a heartbeat. How many people in the world do you think you would trade dicks with? Most.

Like if I had the Thanos snap. If you had a Thanos snap and you were going to get a new dick from a person in the population, it's going to be like a 50% sort of thing, like the Thanos snap. It could be you might get a new dick from a person in the population it's gonna be like a 50 sort of thing like the thanosnap like it could be you know you might get like a tiny asian guy you might get a hammer would you would you run that risk absolutely not you would just stay old average i am staying exactly where i am yeah and it's actually because exactly there's some guys in china who are like i i bet where you are it's's like, I bet I'm in the top five in physical fitness in the world. Because there are so many fat, grotesque people. I get what you're saying, but that's not true.

I bet I'm top five. Top 5%. Oh, no, I don't mean top five people. There are four people in this room in better shape than me. I mean top 5%. Not right now. Not right now. I don't know why you're wearing a baggy sweatshirt right now.

You should be topless for today's fucking – My outfit's fantastic. This was very carefully curated. Apparently. Apparently we were all – did everybody comment on John's outfit? Clearly he was looking for them. very carefully curated. Apparently. Apparently we were all, did everybody comment on John's outfit? Because clearly he was looking for him. Right.

Speaking of your body looking right, not only is it because you're hitting the gym, but you're still on that HelloFresh kick. I mean, I'm never going to be

off the HelloFresh kick. Yeah. It is. It's not a kick. It's a lifestyle. It's a 100% lifestyle. But it is funny. It's like,

it feels like something that you're like, oh, have you tried it? It's like, have I tried cooking dinner? It is. Yeah, we should all do this every single day forever. I love calling my mom, and I do it regularly. I think we talked about it actually when my dad discovered water.

I discovered cooking food. Right. And I was like, Mom, I have so much more money now. Oh, my God. I'm not spending $100 every night. A day on fucking delivery yep she's like yeah no i understand buying food and cooking is far cheaper if you cut out way better if you cut out ubers and and uber eats you'll have like double your money most of us like like the real i was thinking like maybe once a year you take a vacation and you drop like a big chunk of change but the rest of us. Like the real – I was thinking like maybe once a year you take a vacation and you drop like a big chunk of change. But the rest of us, the normal-ass people, your only expenses are like entertainment, which is really not happening right now, food, and travel.

So if you cut out – You should be saving a lot of money right now. Yeah, right. Just love a job. Call Biden. He owes you like two grand i think and when you get that money go sign up at hello fresh uh use the promo code 10 kfc so go to hellofresh.com slash 10 kfc and use the code 10 kfc biden will give you this handout i'll give you this hand this is the deals handout if you you actually think about it, I do spend about at least $50 every order, probably closer

to $100. I also ordered last night. I ordered last night, and I ordered from two places. The delivery guys bumped into each other. Really, really awkward. That's also great timing. Yeah, fantastic timing. But it is like 10 KFC is 10 free meals meals which is more like it's like a 500 to a

thousand dollar deal right it's incredibly this promo code no it's 20 free meals right because it's like double it's almost a two it's at least a thousand dollars maybe two thousand free dollars we're giving you right now it's crazy it is insane when you think about it this is a one thousand dollar promo code if you live in the city and you eat food. Do you eat food? Do you want to save $1,000 doing it? Go to HelloFresh.com slash 10KFC. Use the code 10KFC. It's America's number one meal kit.

It's easy to cook. Everything's prepackaged and pre-portioned. It comes with a recipe, a wild menu with tons of different choices with like exotic foods basic foods uh they switch it up all the time so you never get bored with it and you'll save all that money so go to hellofresh.com slash 10kfc and use code 10kfc for 10 free meals including free shipping you're probably right though like my thing with my dick is like like anything in life i'm never looking to be the best you know no so why would i like care like my dick i've never gotten a complaint about my dick that i know of that's why i face

which is all i care about right and if the girls afterwards are like that dick is small again like you can tell me that like my dick sucks about like the sex wasn't good fine but the actual dick i don't think anybody's ever said it's like too small or it's lame and i think if they are they're probably you know it's being spiteful i don't think it's yeah no one who wasn't mad at me right right i've never had someone who likes me be like if we're being honest it's pretty it's pretty late a really mean thing for a person who likes you so late so bad so bad imagine like the girl you were dating was like, huh? Yeah. It's below average. It's the best dick I ever bought.

It's not the biggest. It's certainly not the biggest. I do love you as a person. Oh, man. My relationship is over. So why would I risk something that I've literally never gotten a complaint on? You're wrong. I'm saying right.

Yeah. But first of all, I love this question. Second of all, how does this come up? Noah had a nice dick. That's it. And we're on to Thanos dicks. It's a great question. Forget the Wall Street shit.

Let's get back to KOC radio. I was actually very happy when it was like, oh wait, we need to change the topic about dicks. Yeah. Now I can contribute. Let's go. Oh man, I think... I think I would say, I would bet I am.

So maybe I'm not in the top 5% of physical fitness. But I would bet my physical fitness percentage and my dick percentage are right around the same. Interesting. Which is kind of like you are with your dick. You are what your record says. You are what your dick is. Because I bet you. I bet you if you have a horrible dick horrible i'm talking you probably have like bad self-esteem and you probably you just get fat i bet you everybody who's really

fat is a tiny dick did you know one time except for ron jeremy and that's why he's like the one i had i was looking at porn in like middle school You must be kidding me. And we were on girls.com with a Z. Oh, God. It looked like a website that was created in Grand Theft Auto Vice City. It was just absurd looking. And there was a fat guy fucking a woman's mouth. And I was looking at it with a friend. Me and a friend were sitting at my friend we're sitting yeah yeah yeah family

computer the best kind of porn viewing if you ask me it wasn't even like we weren't watching porn we're looking at pictures of naked people right which is a different thing definitely but it was like like watching porn wasn't a thing yet because modems were too slow so we're just looking at naked pictures of people and it was a fat guy fucking a girl's mouth. And I was like, holy shit, his dick is huge. And my friend, without skipping a beat, was like, well, yeah, that's what fat people have. And I was, honestly, to this day, I don't know if I know that's wrong. What, do you think their dicks get fat too? Makes sense.

I guess so. Logically, right? Where else would all the carbohydrates go? Well, what really makes sense... Imagine that, your body's like, we can't possibly put any more in the love handles. Think about it! Just put it in the dick, there's girls.com.

It's like, oh, it's not at all what the website used to look like. No, even worse? Oh, no, it was like a highlighter neon purple girls.com. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What year? Nick's got the archives. I would guess this is probably between 04 and 06, right? We were just in 06 there.

Girls, this is like Pink World when I used to go to PinkWorld.com, and it was just a pink background with blue hyperlinks we are despicable you know what do you do you know i we've just stopped the podcast you know what i did yeah do you know what i did the other day on fucking one minute man i dropped a dogfart.com reference john the video got four million views and i said dogfart.com i said the last time I saw a little blonde go up against a black guy like that it was on dogfart.com 4 million views

I think that one skip passes Gaz's fucking gatekeeper there I was like whoo we're letting it fly today dogfart.com good stuff amazing stuff just an absolutely deplorable URL just despicable Good stuff. Amazing stuff. Just an absolutely deplorable URL.

Just despicable. I still don't even understand it, to be honest. It's despicable. Darkfart.com has a 100-pound woman getting fucked by 12 men with 12-inch penises, and it's not the most offensive part of its website. Once you get past the name. Dogfart.com has women taking baths of cum. And the URL is more jarring.

Do you think that was just like, well, we let them know that they're going to get into some shit here. They're going to get into some shit. You know, you know, there's just a couple of guys who are like, yo, we're just going to have black guys fuck white girls. Definitely. And they were just like, we'll call it dog fart. There's no way it gets big. Can we talk about this? No way this blows up. It's just a bunch of black guys.

Nobody's going to like that. It's like sticking with barstool sports after we clearly don't talk about sports at all anymore. Yo, can we talk about the most racist thing in the goddamn world? That there are porn stars who have higher rates for fucking non-white people? Yep. That is insane. Insane. Or some just won't do it altogether.

Just like, nope, not going to do it all together. Just like, Nope, not going to do it. It would ruin my brand. If I fucked a black, I mean, that is, that's not even a joke.

That's just what, that's how it, that's fucking facts, man. I think they have like, they're really like pushing that away. Like they're as Pornhub has gotten more mainstream. Like you're not like allowed to do that and shit.

But I also, at the end of the day, I don't think you can make somebody fuck you. No, you don't want to fuck. So like they, some people have these rules. that's that's what we call rape um but i mean god damn that is some deeply rooted inherent racism you know what is also

funny is that you know black i asked kevin knowing the full answer hey excuse me have you heard of black yeah yeah yeah a white guy started it? Tushy Bra? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. See, that's the other thing, too, is like when they're like –

Black.com started by a white guy. It's like all things. There's a white man at the top, you know. There's a white millionaire cashing in. When they're like, you know, ruin my brand, I'm like, I don't think so. Like, I guess it depends on what you want, but I'm like, you'll get your views. You'll get your views. That's for certain.

There's always a point in time where you just want to see that. Anyway, my dick's fine. Top five. Top five percent. I have a top three percent dick. You know, who was it? Somebody recently. Five.

I think it was on Original Thoughts. Maybe 10. 7.5, 10. 12 and a half. Better than at least half the people. Definitely better than half. Definitely better than half. I mean, you got to think, again, like body types, you know.

There are a lot of fat, like a lot of people who are way fatter than you. There are people who have just. Who's that? There's a lot of people who are way fatter than you there are people who have just there's a lot of people way fatter than you yeah but like you said it like like it's like you know you're exceptionally fat but there are fatter people no no i'm saying there are so many levels to fat i guess so yeah you're on you know i mean you're in shape right now so we can't the fat jokes are not possible right now give me a week i'll be i'll be back but right now I can't do it in one week I'll call you fat again

but there's so many levels to fat there's also so many levels to bad dick where it's like you gotta realize you gotta start at like one inch there are people with the micro penises and then there are people with the two inches and the three inches and the four inches it's like a speck right

so like you know I guess technically it has to be an inch right because this is an inch is what i've learned your thumb like your thumb knuckle that's an inch see you know you say that and then like you're telling me that shaq's thumb knuckles the same as mine it's talking about big dicks now that guy i mean just logically good point everything has to be big right like no i actually think i'm thinking back to our conversation earlier about the carbohydrates our conversation i was thinking back to my idiotic point i made it to an hour ago yeah but like so everything on your body gets fatter yes why does your penis not

i think it's kind of like, you know, like your nose. Like a separation of church and state? Kind of. Like your nose stops growing except for yours. Your ears stop growing. You know, like there are certain things that just stop, and I think your dick's one of them. It might get a little fatter, though.

It seems unfair to make the dick. Because think about it. If you were fat and you had a fat dick, I probably wouldn't lose weight. Like girls are always going straight to my ass. I got the girth. Why can't it go straight to my cock wouldn't lose weight. I'm keeping this fucking girth. Yeah, for real. Give me a fucking jode. Let me run around with some girth because I ate some Krispy Kremes. I mean, there would be fat people everywhere.

Getting fat grew your dick. That's why. You know why? That's proof right there in the existence of God. There is a great architect because he was like,'m sure i'm sure he did that he invented anxiety he's a terrible architect fine but we'll talk about that shortly but like i'm sure like you know maybe adam and eve and it was like oh well he's getting so fucking fat because that dick just keeps getting bigger we can't have that like i'm gonna make your dick separate your dick

weight will be separate from the rest of your body weight because otherwise it'd be chaos just be fat people everywhere looking for big dicks i i don't see there's a question there's another hypothetical how much weight would you put on if like every 10 pounds gave you you know an inch of your dick no like more than 20 pounds give you an inch of dick. All of it. All of the weight. I would just keep putting on weight. Just because you want? See, I don't know. What's the point of a good dick if you're fat?

It's like the SATs. You can't even get into it. We're not even going to look at your resume if you don't get the right score. There are chicks who are not even looking at your dick if you're fat. I would eat so much fucking pizza. I guess unless you had a 12-incher. I wasn't allowed to wear shorts. It would be illegal for me to wear

like that fucking guy you know that guy he pops up in the daily mail like once a year yes he's always wearing the biker shorts i know the guy there are certain people in blog life this is something that not many people understand there are certain people in blog anyone else in this room know what we're talking about probably not nope nope nope we i that's where this is what i want to get on clubhouse i'd love to get on Not many people understand. There are certain people in blogging. Does anyone else in this room know what we're talking about? Probably not. Nope. Nope. Nope. That's where – this is why I want to get on Clubhouse. I'd love to get on Clubhouse and do like a blogger room and just talk about the things that explicitly only bloggers know.

There's the guy with the like oppressively big dick who can't like live a normal life. He goes viral once a year. Who always makes his public comments about being sad on how big his dick is in biker shorts like dude just wears the fucking cargo put on put on go to go put a kilt on dude there's that dude there is um sex island now goes uh viral every year where you can go for like you know a thousand dollars and you fuck like you fuck like two girls every night or whatever it's just that guy there every time that's it uh there's the dude who uh this is probably no more but there was like a good five-year run where this guy just kept getting arrested for fucking pool rafts yeah yes and it was like he was like a four or five time offender that people would just catch

he was breaking people's houses yes and fucking their rafts yeah he did he was not a one raft man. No, he was a raft polygamy. Polyamorous with the rafts. There's the girl maybe not the same girl, but there's always a girl who can't stop coming. They call it compulsive orgasm disorder and she says she just comes like a hundred times a second, a hundred times a minute.

Which reminds me of the girl who can only walk backwards. Backwards. Testonia cheerleader. Dystonia cheerleader. I swear to God. My favorite actual video ever on the internet is the leprechaun in Alabama. But my favorite story ever on the internet is the dystonia cheerleader.

That woman. If you don't know it. Where is she right now? And why haven't we hired her? I might hire her personally. Seriously. Let's go start like our own podcast network first podcast it's just only a cheerleader it's i know i don't want her to have any fame or fortune i just want her to be around yeah yeah you want to just be like our assistant i just want her i want her you have to walk backwards or you have to do no like the crazy herky jerky walk forwards and it and it's an incredibly offensive walk to be like,

I had a stroke and this is how I walk now. And we were all like, yeah, that makes sense. But honestly, such a commitment to the brand. Like she was headbanging. Her neck had to hurt. She had the chicken wings going. And that, mind you, there was one other thing. But Dystonia Cheerleader, there she is.

Look at her. Look at her go. And then wait, is that is that the walk it out remix when they walk walk it out had just walk it out had just popped and they put that over the meat wait do you know this can you put it up on the screen oh my god so this i think you know this i think it was like a vaccine that she said she got like she got some treatment and then she said a flu max and she said she can she started to flail around like crazy every time she walked forwards but if she started to walk backwards she was perfectly fine and inside edition did like a

real fucking thing on her it was unbelievable i'll see a lot of them going going back this is the like original anti-vaxxer like like jenny mccarthy saw this and was like fuck yeah this is my brand let's do it seeing this i am so mad at myself that i ever believed it for a single second so that was my point that this was the first thing i ever sniffed out on the internet i was like this is not fucking real and i and i think people kind of were giving me shit for it and then i was like i fucking told you so the slow motion and there's like a there's like an inside edition guy being like oh wow that's that's something that's that's so awful the flu shot is dangerous and then they caught her then they like they they they followed her to like the grocery store and she was just walking around with a fucking shopping cart

totally fine it was i mean it was completely and utterly now do me a favor search search this and and search uh walk it out remix when the beat with it is just so unbelievably funny she's she's my favorite i wonder if i can you see if my blog is still up on that nick i'm almost positive that was the first thing that i threw like a ps out and i was like by the way there's no fucking chance this is real it without a doubt, the funniest fucking thing in the world. You got a flu shot. She says that shot has destroyed her chances of happiness. We told you about her story last time. Now Les Trent is with this woman for a firsthand look at what her life has become.

Right. When she does that? When she does that When she does that one Look at that This is so offensive It's so good Lean in This is so offensive. It's so good. Lean in.

It's a... It is... It's honestly... Look, she's running. That was the other thing, too. She can run totally fine. Walk backwards and run. Yes. Walk it out now.

Walk it out now. Walk it out. Walk it out. Now walk it out. I'm going to rewind. Every day when, like, the fucking news was coming over, like, her husband would have to jack her up. Like, all right, baby. Get ready.

It's time to be mentally retarded. That, I would love to find out. Like what channel is that? Is that, that's not like an original, is it? No. It got uploaded when?

Maybe it is like, like I'd love to, I love to think that that was like, that's like, um, you know, that was like a 2009 like Quigs or Millmore. Yeah.

Like people were doing internet greatness from the fucking jump. When you see a meme video now, it's like, wow, that's so clever. It's like, yo, we were on this shit in 2009 making fun of the Dystonia cheerleader. It's like the game QWOP. Have you seen? What's that? QWOP. Or Q-W-O-P.

No, what is that? Is that old or new? This is old. QWOP? Do you know it, John? No. I get very upset when i don't know things oh yes okay i do know this it's just like a a website it's like it's impossible it's so hard

oh yeah it's like you almost like fall over right you have to try to run straight yes yes what does qwop stand for oh god i got it got it yep yep yep what about um what about um the fucking the ball game there's a you're in a 3d room in the uh what's it fucking called it's like something ball it's like taser ball or whatever it's fucking called no no no no no i don't know this one you're in like i know pump putt the mini pump pump was a big one now this one. You're in like... I know Pump-Pup. The mini Pump-Pup was a big one. No, this one you're in like... You're playing almost like tennis. You have a little box that you move, but it's in a 3D room,

so you can bounce it off the walls and shit, and then it hits off the back wall and comes back at you. Fuck. 3D tennis ball game. All these new fucking games That you pay for on your god damn Newfangled iPhones This was some shit that was like You know when you're rotting to death

At your desk and it's just Fuck Come on It looks kind of like this This is like a new version of it You never played that? I thought that would have triggered you Come on. It looks kind of like this. This is like a new version of it. You never played that? I thought that would have triggered you.

Wait, hang on. We have to stop. I will not be able to continue. Is it this? Yes! What's that called? Oh! I kind of get it.

Okay, that I think does trigger me. What's that called? What did you type in to find that? All game tennis 2000s. Yeah. Well done. I said 3 well done i said 3d i said 3d and and and it's something like yeah curveball very clever curveball because if you because you could hit it but if you hit it while you moved your mouse it like put spin on the ball so it started going all over the fucking place that image does for me it was the best it was it started going all over the fucking place. That image does.

It was the best. It was like the best of like the dumb. Well, I'll put it up there. I'd say maybe my favorite best of like the dumb free games. See, I actually never really played games. I did.

I did the pop pop. Yeah. If you didn't have like a soul crushing job, that was like, I did college. I just was too busy. Fucking fucking chicks and drinking beers beers fucking chicks and drinking beers i really didn't fucking beers and drinking chicks i fucked a shockingly low amount of yeah oh my god i had girlfriends in college like a fucking loser

if you are in a relationship in college kill yourself kill yourself that's why i'm suicidal now absolutely the reason i'm suicidal now absolutely the reason i'm suicidal with me the reason why i am like absolutely at this point i've decided i'm clinically depressed by the way oh you've made the decision yes i absolutely have or you know i think i'm like the uh i have like this like the jv depression but i i also you keep saying that i can tell you you're wrong No, no, no, no I'm telling you that doctors would be like, do you do this in the morning

and do you feel this at night and do you say this at night and I'd be like, yep, yep, yep, and they'd be like, well then that's technically depression Right, but I'm not really depressed No, but what I'm saying is you are Oh You just don't want to accept it I thought you were saying like, like no you don't even have the JV depression oh no no no no no I'm saying

you're full depressed Kevin as a person who talks to you regularly I'm telling you okay well then in that case the reason I'm depressed is because I've always been in god damn relationships that just do nothing but suck your soul should have just been fucking random for the last 20 years and I'd be been in goddamn relationships. They just do nothing but suck your soul.

I should have just been fucking random for the last 20 years and I'd be a happy guy. Shit. You know what it is? You've been saying that for a long time. And I just keep, don't do it. And you just keep being like, well, I don't really have depression. I've always silently been like,

well, that's not true. But the thing about depression is it's almost like alcoholism where it's like, you know, I think people are like, if you're not grabbing a bottle of whiskey out of your fucking bedside table in the morning, you're not an alcoholic. It's like if I'm not, you know, standing in front of a fucking train like Kirk Minahan, I'm not depressed. There's levels to this shit man that's why i remember my first time so the first time i went to therapy which was i don't know what year two years ago something like that and i didn't know how to do um how to like so my therapist is off uh book off brand network on network um I hope she's off the book. Hang on. Let me find the response here.

My therapist is Appaloose. But I had to ask Keith to help me. And I was like, I don't know how to file this insurance. Yeah, I don't know how to do that. You have to teach me that. I don't know how to do that. You don't do it? I just don't do it. They said to me, you know, you can file for reimbursement.

I was like, yeah, I know. Yeah, I could pay $15 per visit. I'll give you $2.50. I'll give you $2.50. Because I don't want to do paperwork. 100%. It's like my fucking expenses. But Keith was like, he's like, you need your diagnosis code here.

And I was like, I don't know what that is. He's like, here, go to your receipt, blah, blah, blah. And Keith just goes, ooh, you got three diagnoses. I was like, I don't know what any of them mean, but I got three of them. If you're going to do something, do it well. A job worth doing, as they say. What was I? I don't even know what I was saying.

Why was I? Whatever. We're on one today. We are. We are. Anyway're on one today. We are. Yeah. Anyway, fucking free games. Oh, no. I was going to finish my point about relationships crushing your soul.

Oh, yeah. Please. Everybody says things like, you know, you're going to die alone or like, don't you want to have kids or don't you... You know, they always throw around those words like fulfill and shit like that right see mine was my answers were yes and no they're like you want to die absolutely yeah well that's because you're depressed but but no preferably tomorrow no but i think that maybe you you're on to something because my point is like anything else in life like why are you planning for like the absolute end of

your life? You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. It's like, okay, fine. But in your good years, you're going to be – seriously. People – we all get married in our 30s. And, you know, yeah, listen. If you have like a happy life and a happy family, great.

This podcast isn't for you. You're not listening. You haven't been for about seven years. But, you know, for the people, the normal people, you get married in your 30s, you realize, well, this sucks. You have kids. They suck your soul and your money for, like, your 40s and 50s. And then, like, when you're in your 60s and 70s and, you know, hopefully 80s or whatever, you're like, yeah, all right, I have grandkids and, like, a legacy and shit. But, like, the middle prime of your life, yeah, I people care about that, like bloodlines and shit.

Regular people care about their legacy? I guess legacy is not the word, but I think if you keep having kids and your kids don't and there's nothing more, I think some people get bent out of shape. I think my parents. And this shit. They're like, okay. We've had enough. Maybe my siblings can have kids, but they're like, you should probably. We'll cut out your bit of DNA.

We'll remove you from the gene pool. But like, all for what? So like your 30s, 40s and 50s, you were like, I had the mortgage, I had the kids. You're 11. You know, it was like, you know, they had they were baking some

cakes and like a couple came out great and one collapsed. Yeah, they were just like, that was when we were both drunk. They were 22. Yeah, we were shit-faced. Obviously, that one got fucked up. Yeah, that one's broken. That one's defective. We drank during that pregnancy.

I was smoking cigs. I'll be honest. But why mortgage your 30s, 40s, and 50s? It's like a 401k. Yeah, retirement plan. What do I need a ton of money for when I'm 65? Right. I'd rather just spend it now.

But I do understand. Yeah. I mean, I do understand the idea of like. I'm arguing against children and 401ks in this episode, just to be clear. And you know what you're arguing for? Happiness. Yeah. Happiness.

I really believe, though, I feel like there's, the one thing that kind of stuck with me from college, I took a philosophy class and I kind of remember a couple – I don't remember the names and shit like that. But I know that there was one that was like their – the philosophy of their philosophy, if you will, is like just do whatever makes you happy like right now in this moment as long as you're not like directly harming someone. Like just live for right now and go. And we do the total fucking opposite. Whoa. You do the – Yeah, you do.

Yeah. Just do what makes me happy. I'm exceptionally selfish, you do. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Just do what makes me happy. I'm exceptionally selfish and I couldn't recommend it more. You know what? Again, moments ago I said I want to die tomorrow. But right now I'm in a pretty good mood. Bro, you know what I did yesterday? I was feeling like shit.

And my nanny sent like videos of the kids playing in the snow and they were just wearing like regular sweatpants and shit and they were like soaking wet and i was like fuck i definitely have never gotten them like real snow clothes so i'm like this is like the biggest storm we've had like ever other kids are sledding building snowmen and my kids were like soaking wet and had to go home so i'm like all right i'll go get you some fucking. At first I was like, let me order it. And I was like, well, it might not snow again. So I go out to get some, right? Go to Target.

They're like, no, we don't carry that here. What do you carry then, Target? What do you do? I was like, what do you do here, Target? So then I go to REI, and they uh, going out of business or some shit. They were like, we, so we have limited.

Yeah, definitely. Right. It was, it was a big fucking like room, like a huge piece of property. I was like, how do you guys even fucking survive? I used to go to REI.

I used to hang out at REI in the mall all the time. What? They had a rock climbing mall and it was, it was very small, but it was just like, so you could test out like their rock climbing shoes. And I'd just be like 12 years old and everyone would be, you know, girls.

And I'm hanging out in Spencers. You see the dildo? I'm going to hang on the rock climbing wall. See you guys later. To be honest, who's the bigger loser? I don't know. That's a coin flip. So REI is like, yeah, we don't have any kids clothes.

Right next door to that is Dick's. I walk into Dick's. I'm like, do you guys have kids snow clothes? And they're like, sold out, bro. I was like like i guess all the other parents are on top of this one i guess all the other parents saw like the top three storm in the world coming and prepared their children for it and then i had to go to like a full-blown it's called pedigree ski shop near like the westchester mall which is like westchester mall like very hoity-toity so i'm in like a full blown like aspen dumb and dumber type of ski shop buying my kids horrifically overpriced snow pants that they're gonna probably play in for one day this week and i'm like i mean by the time i'm

walking home my feet are soaked i'm soaked i'm like fucking i throw the fucking bag on the door i'm like here's your shit and and in the moment, I was like, I was actually like, I was thinking to myself, there is literally nothing else in the world that could have got me to like leave. I had to dig out my car. I had to, which by the way, I'm so proud of myself. I didn't dig out. I just drove back and forth until I got out. I hope that someone, I wish that like one of my neighbors could have filmed me because

I was just, I mean, it took me 65 tries. Back, forth, back, forth. I mean, I was totally snowed in. I didn't do any shoveling. Any at all? I had like two, I mean, like it was up to my, like over my tire, like up to my, like I opened my door, it like hit. I had to dig that part out to get into my car.

And then I just went back and forth, back and forth. And I fucking got out. I was, I've never been more stubborn and idiotic in my life. But it's better than – I'd rather do 65 of those than shovel. I don't think I agree with that. Really? Well, I mean – I mean, what's the – I had a podcast now.

I was just like – Rather than do manual labor? See, but I'm a – I need to be moving. Otherwise, I think – I guess technically you're moving. It was kind of fun. But it's like I will go a longer route if I don't hit stoplights. Okay. I'll go a 10-minute longer drive.

Then you wouldn't like – Yeah, yeah. Or like I don't ever take the subway to work because I feel like waiting for the subway. I'm like I could just walk. I hate that. I hate that. Yeah, I went down that. I did today.

I went down to the subway today and it said like six minutes and I was like, like, I could just walk. I hate that. I hate that. Yeah, I went down that. I did today. I went down to the subway today. And it said like six minutes. And I was like, well, that's going to be like halfway there. Right. I'll be pretty much there. I'll just walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I need to be in motion.

Okay. You're like a shark. Yeah. A really fat, out of shape shark. Next week, I'll say that. I'm a 5% dick. Seven. It's getting to MI the asshole.

It's brought to you by cuts clothing you want a better promo than for cuts clothing you ain't gonna find one better than john fidelberg right now holy shit first of all let's just be clear about something that was just bro i would

have fucked you you look great i hate it you look great sometimes i just can't fucking deny it i think at the start of this pandemic i said give me a week of doing You look great. I hate it. You look great. Sometimes I just can't fucking deny it. You look great. I think at the start of this pandemic, I said, give me a week of doing push-ups, and I looked like discernibly different. Yeah. I do.

Women must fucking hate. Girls can diet and work out for like three years, and they don't see a fucking pound difference. You're like, I jumped rope, and I ate some girl chicken. I had three salads and worked out four times. I mean, you looked fucking great. Your arms looked fucking huge. Cuts clothing is everybody can wear it because it's kind of like the stretchy, softer material.

I think it's got that micromodal shit that's hot in the streets right now. But if you do have a good body, it's like, forget about it. You look fucking awesome. So to all my in shape kc radio listeners this is the shit for you uh they've got it isn't there and i i didn't wear it and then i put it on right before that and like it is shockingly comfortable yeah they're i wore it for probably 48 hours straight i didn't leave my house yeah no well they and if you get see what i do is i have like a whole array of them so So I have like a blue one, a white one, a black one, a gray one, a brown one, a tan one.

And then I have some that are V-neck, some that are Henley with the buttons, some that are crew neck. And then the bottom, some of them are elongated if you want to be a little more stylish. Some that's scoop cut. Some that have a split hem. A couple of them have a logo. Most of them are logo lists. So once you get like a whole cuts wardrobe you never have to like worry again you don't need a t-shirt you really don't i mean you have like unless unless

you're like a i mean who's doing like graphic tees you know what i mean it's either like like stylish like young kids who are going to wear like loud clothes and shit and then like when you're a regular adult you're just wearing like a plain colored t-shirt this is the best one on the market three hundred dollars worth of ridiculous graphic tees just the other day. Case in point. How many is that? Two? No, no, no. It was on Wish.com. I bought a lot. One of them

says, you bring out the serial killer in me. Nick Tarani was over my apartment and we just bought tons of ridiculous shirts. You know what's going on you were hanging out outside of work a lot with nick tarani and that my friend you never go full tarani it's a dangerous game you're probably gonna be calling his mom next i gotta let's finish this

ad read and i'm gonna show you everything i just bought it is preposterous so whether you're you know in shape a little bit out of shape whether whether you are on the go, looking just for a comfortable shirt at home, whatever it is, you want a slick, stylish, sleek, classy shirt, go to cutsclothing.com slash clancy and get 15% off your first order. That's the only shirt worth wearing at cutsclothing.com slash clancy. I got a whole wardrobe of them, so you can take my word for it. Let me. You bring out the serial killer in me. I don't. Let me find them because they are like I have to tell you about them.

I was watching on Instagram a comedian I followed named Jeff Dye, and he was talking about how he was on a date, and the girl, he said, you know, what are you into? What are your hobbies? And she said, true crime. I'm just into true crime, which is, I think it's an old bit. I think at this point is pretty well, like, established that that is a thing. But he was like, that's a red flag.

Like, all you do is obsess over murderers. And she was like, no, no, no. Like, it's a thing. You know, there's podcasts, and there's shows and documentaries about it like there's a lot and he goes okay okay let's do a little let's do a little exercise here you ask me what i'm into and she does and i'm like i study all the rapists i love rape i love all you know no i just like the rapey stuff i just love all the rapey stuff you're telling me that's not a red flag and i was like pretty eye opening pretty fucking eye opening that we just let girls get away with the fact that they are

absolutely obsessively taken over it's by murder it's too much it's too much how about this he took it a step further i'll show you the bit he does it like so well he's like imagine if i knew all the names of the most prolific rapists the girls like oh Jeffrey Dahmer Ted Bundy oh no this guy he raped in California this guy he raped here you would be fucking locked up and we're just like yeah it's just girls

they drink wine and they do true crime wow we'll fuck anybody so the serial Killer was one. I bought a 6XL t-shirt, which is just a Grim Reaper giving the middle finger. What are you going to do with it? Wear it, probably. A 6XL?

Actually, I think Nick said he wants that one. I bought one that said, I'm a father, a grandfather, and a retired firefighter. Nothing scares me. I bought one that said, I asked God for a best friend, and he sent me a son. And it's an adult fist fist pounding with a baby's fist I love a sweatshirt with a lion on the front and the lion is

inside of a cross this one I can show you this one is shipped so it's on its way on the back the front has got a cross with a lion's face in it I can show you because this one is shipped so it's on its way. On the back the front has got a cross with a lion's face in it and on the back it says Jesus is my God, my King, my Savior,

my everything. It says a lot more. Oh wow, that's awesome though. That's not what I was expecting. That's awesome. That's awesome. That I would fucking rock for sure that's really cool what a pink varsity jacket with bugs buddy on the back you you with with like half of these you've either gotta you either gotta do you either

gotta like join q anon or become a rapper one or the other you either gotta shoot a rap video or storm the capital you you have no in between bro flame retardant hat we're definitely not on fire we're for sure lighting that on fire with it on your head we are going to set your head on by speaking of heads how about all right how about am i the asshole we'll lead off okay lil yachty or a little uzi a little uzi vert which one they're the same person no I know but in my head they're the same person which one is the

I'm a daddy grandma that is the most specific shirt ever there are three people who can wear that shirt which one is it

Lil Uzi Vert or Lil Yachty with the diamond see these fucking young kids don't even know what I'm talking about you guys gotta get up on your shit

the baby hand the baby hand is wildly inappropriate oh wait no See, these fucking young kids don't even know what I'm talking about. You guys got to get up on your shit. The baby hand is wildly inappropriate. Oh, wait, no. Actually, I did end up getting the pink one, and it's not Bugs Bunny. It's Snoopy on the varsity jacket. Dude, when- Sin City Raiders. I got that sweatshirt. Oh, sure.

This Snoopy shit used to be like- What? When Jay-Z used to push Ice clothes, like Snoopy was on it. It was like $400 sweaters. Really? That's why I said you got to be a rapper. There was a time where like Snoopy and all those characters were like hot. Lil Uzi, you said?

Lil Uzi. This is either the dumbest thing I've ever seen or the biggest flex. Maybe both. He has a $24 million diamond. He's been like financing it for years i think he finally paid it off he got it embedded into his forehead like fucking vision oh it's huge it's like a big pink diamond look at this it's like a big fucking chunk i mean that is literally the diamond from blood diamond yeah it's the pink one. Who got the pink one?

That's good. Remember when he's in jail? Is it you who has the pink one? I don't know where he had it. I don't know where he was hiding it in the movie, but he had it. Oh no, he buried it. He didn't have it on him. Look at that, dude. His head now worth $24 million.

You chop off Lil Uzi's head, you got a $24 million diamond. That is impossibly dangerous. I mean, it has got to be some off-book, crazy surgeon who did it, right? I mean, it's literally, it's fucking, it's the Vision Stone. What is Vision Stone called? Vision is the re- Mind Stone. That makes sense.

Pop that thing out and he just disappears or some shit. The most expensive part of that stone isn't the stone itself. Well, it's $24 million. But it's the security you're going to have to have for the rest of your life so someone doesn't behead you. But I guess it's no different than when they wear diamonds. I have not heard of a rapper wearing a $24 million thing. But also if someone wanted to steal. People do get murdered for chains.

It happens. They have to kill you. They can just fucking punch you in the face yeah your chain they have to kill you and perform surgery on you to get that and it's 24 million dollars so people will do it well i mean we won't even submit our fucking insurance claims if i if you were a rat if you were a uh a robber would you be like we can go snatch this chain we can go snatch 24 chains for a million dollars or we can go ahead this chain we can go snatch 24 chains for a million dollars or we can go behead this guy and steal the one diamond embedded in his forehead what are you doing beheading for sure maybe yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna do it once but i'd have to imagine a lot better than the only time i've ever fucking you don't catch a murder case for

you know snatching someone's chain you kill someone and behead a famous person you're fucked yeah but you have a 24 million you do that and you're at the airport before everyone knows he's dead well the other thing is how are you gonna move that diamond it's not like you have 24 million cash kevin diamond people the phrase blood diamond exists like i have a blood diamond it's attached to a head. You think, here's what I always wonder. How do you get so into the blood diamond game or the black market organs game that the minute that you run up on someone, like a very small scale of this

is when you have to return an engagement ring. The people at the fucking jewelers know that they've got you by the balls. You'll get like 5% of your money back. If I step up to an African blood diamond dealer, he's going to be like, I'll give you 25 bucks or I'm chopping off your arm while you're here. You know what I mean?

Like, I wouldn't even know how to even approach the right way to do that. They would sniff me out in a heartbeat that I'm phony. And they would just chop me with a machete and steal the diamonds. But you're going, you're thinking you go to the dangerous people. You don't go. You just call the CEO of Zales. Those motherfuckers, I'm still just thinking of Blood Diamond. Yeah.

And those motherfuckers, they buy anything. Yeah, that's true. And they bury it in a vault to keep fucking demand. I'm going to go to the K-Jewelers at the mall. I demand to speak to your supervisor. I have an opportunity that I think would interest you. Every kiss begins with K. Pull out a fucking diamond covered in little Uzi's, like, flesh. How much for this right here?

Bang it down on the table. Go to, like, a pawn shop. What's that show fucking on TV? Pawn Stars. Pawn Stars. How much for this? I got a guy. I'll call him.

He's an expert. I'll give you $75,000. I was thinking more like $24 million. Do you know whose head this came out of? You do because that you can still see you can still crazy though i mean that's so that's kind of you know either like the dumbest thing in the world he's gonna get beheaded or like the biggest flex ever where it's like at all times i'm worth 24 million i think it's the biggest flex ever yeah i think it's the biggest flex ever. Yeah. I think it's the biggest flex. I mean, until you're dead. You're the biggest flex until someone chops your head off.

Right. If that happens, it's kind of like saving money and having kids and shit. It's like, yeah, maybe at the end of my life, if I'm super miserable, I guess you were right. But for those 30 years in between, it was pretty fucking cool. Imagine you go bankrupt and you're like, don't worry, I got it. And you just rip it out of your head. See, that's another problem. Also, that's going to fall out.

I would imagine. I would imagine. How well could it be surgically attached? I mean, you know, people do like little studs, but that's like a rock. People do studs? Yeah, I've seen that shit. You haven't seen that? Oh, it's like.

They get like the little things in their back. The anchors. Yeah, I guess that's what it's called. Yeah. Yeah. Also, this might be fake. You know? Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. Who's going to fucking call him on this? You know what I mean? I'm going to get one. It's going to be fake. A diamond implanted in your head? Well, yeah, but it's going to be fake. You're going to ruin that moneymaker of yours? I'm just going to glue it.

That would be funny. If it was closer to Halloween, this would be a big Halloween costume. But, alas, we'll be dead before then. It's also, I mean, cultural appropriation. Let's call it what it is. What, the Indians? Yeah. Yeah.

Have you seen what's going on in India? Shout out to Rihanna. The largest human strike in history. I got a confession. We don't care, do you? Well, I just. Because that was my confession. I just don't care what's going on.

I started, like, I was like, well, this is all about. Didn't move the needle. And I got two paragraphs into a CNN article. You know what the problem is? You know what the problem is? No memes. They didn't have a cool Reddit page. If the farmers of India were dropping funny memes, there'd be a revolution.

It was the CNN article didn't get there fast enough. They just kept talking about how India banned internet in 14 out of 22 counties around New Delhi. And I was just like, I want to know about the farmers. Get to the fucking point. Or you got to tell me, like, you're not going to have bread because, like, it trickles down. Oh, I get my bread from Iowa. That's what I'm saying. You know, I mean, we got our homegrown shit.

Until you tell me how this affects me or get to some funny memes, I'm not listening. Really. You can boil down my interest in anything in the world as does it affect me negatively or does it make me laugh. What else? That's actually a really good point. Right? And I guess like a little bit of like does it make me laugh. And honestly, you can boil mine a little further, does it make me laugh.

I don't even really care if it affects me negatively. Like I want to know if it affects me negatively, but okay, whatever. I really want to know if it makes me laugh. I don't want to miss that. Alright, back to Am I the Asshole? We'll start with with this this is actually technically from reddit ships not am i the asshole but i think we might know who the asshole is going to be on this one the girlfriend should i break up with my boyfriend because he believes 9-11 is an inside job boyfriend of two years 29 came out during the lockdown that he is a full supporter of 9-11 conspiracies.

He admitted the only ones he believes in are Epstein. 9-11 is an inside job. Hillary Clinton may be being associated with his Epstein ring. And he's generally skeptical of the government. Finally, after an argument, I, 27 female, started yelling at him and told him that I can't trust his intelligence anymore because he believes these. Our relationship is basically over in my mind now. But I can't figure out if I'm overreacting or not. I need some consensus. Will I ruin my life staying with a man who believes in conspiracies?

Could be making a huge mistake. Like I said, this girlfriend is a fucking bitch. Open your eyes, Stephanie. I tend to agree with her. I'm with her. I couldn't be with someone who was full-blown conspiracies. But the ones she listed are pretty legit. Aren't conspiracies.

Well, 9-11 is, yes. But people using the Epstein, that's not a conspiracy theory. That's just a fact. Hillary Clinton is 100% tied to the Epstein race. Yeah. Bill and Hillary, no doubt. It's more Bill than Hillary, I feel like. I think Bill was the one fucking 12-year-old.

Right. Not Hillary, maybe. Allegedly. Yeah, we'll throw that one in there pretty hard. It looks like hard. Hard, allegedly. Hard, allegedly. Like a fucking boat horn.

But also factual. Yeah, yeah. Like a fucking boat horn. But also factual. Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, he also, he's a murderer. They've killed about a half a dozen people. Allegedly. You'd be surprised how many, like, people that I think are pretty smart are, like like something was funny with 9-11. Like not like crazy shit.

Jet fuel can't melt steel beams and shit. But like I've heard people that talk about it like, you know, obviously general consensus. Like there was something going on. I was kind of like, wait, what? Have you ever seen the it's like a weld who, it was on Reddit years and years ago. But it's him proving false the jet fuel can't melt steel beams. And he was just like, he has a steel beam and he just gets it hot. The same temperature that the jet fuel would have been? Yeah.

And then he just pushes it. He's like, it didn't melt. No one's arguing it melted. You're right. It didn't melt. It just's arguing it melted. You're right, it didn't melt. It just fell. Right, right, right. I was like, oh, yeah.

I love that. Like, jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. And someone else is back like, but it does knock them over. But, I mean, I was surprised to find out that that, I think, some people don't think of that as that crazy. I think it was Tim Dillon's producer was saying it, and then I started to's producer was saying it. And then I started to kind of like look into it.

And like a lot of people really believe that documentary loose change. Like that really persuades. But that's also why I don't really watch those things because it will persuade you. The person who made it is smarter than me. And they will trick me. Yes. Oh, yeah. Definitely right. Yeah. That's all documentaries. All documentaries just trick me yes oh yeah yeah definitely right yeah that's all

documentaries all documentaries just trick me but the way it almost sounded to me that's why i don't learn anything it almost felt like the way i i talk about serial where i'm like there was some fucked up things there like it's not like full-blown this guy's innocent but like some shit went on uh-huh that's what i'm talking about 9-11 i was like well wait a minute fuck that's how i think about one individual man's life not 20 years of united states fucking policy which is i think that's their point it's like that's why they wanted to happen and all that kind of shit but but yeah so so he does like epstein uh it was just 9-11 and then like he's generally skeptical of government like i mean i would say i would say the vast majority of people right now are like skeptical of the government all of i think all, I would say the vast majority of people right now are, like, skeptical of the government. I think all of those things are fair.

Yeah. Now, if it was, like, is he regularly beating that drum? Yeah. Is he talking about it all? Like, everywhere you go, you're at a cocktail party, and it's like, hey, not only was it an inside job. And I don't even care that— And also, like, you're fucking super late to the party. Yeah.

You know, like, people—we talked about this, like, 20 years ago, dude. 9-11, we forgot, bro. There are people at cocktail parties now going, what? 9-11. 9-11. 9-11. 9-11. 9-11. 9-11. 9-11. 9-11 like 20 years ago. 9-11, we forgot, bro. There are people at cocktail parties now going, what? 9-11? 9-11. 9-who? But the like – I wouldn't even be mad that like it was announcing people to people that he was not super intelligent. I would just be like, I'm just sick of hearing about this.

Yeah, just shut the fuck up. So that's totally different. But that's the thing. That question would then be like, can I break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't shut the fuck up about dumb things? Yes. Because what she's saying, like, am I going to ruin my life staying with a man who believes in conspiracies? I mean, again, you have to decide if this is like some QAnon shit where you're going to give up your friends and family to go chase down Q. Or it's like, I mean, I love conspiracies.

I talk about them all the time. It's almost like a hobby of mine. Could you not date me because of that you fucking cunt you fucking bitch and you know what you know what happened my boyfriend's passionate about things should i break up with him yeah right i got a hobby you know what i would do too if i was him you know he's doing he's just like fighting back like he probably was like hey did you ever hear about like the seven world trade and like how that kind of blew up and probably was like hey did you ever hear about like the seven world trade and like how that kind of blew up and she was like being a bitch about it so then he was like okay okay then you know what fuck you then this whole thing is fucking made up i'm not happy in this

relationship so i'm gonna ruin it for both of us that would be an awesome way to do like the preemptive breakup and and make them break up with you is become like a hardcore conspiracy person and just see how stupid and idiotic and fun you could get until the person was like i can't do this anymore it's probably jared told me uh i think this very scenario i think the rocket was fucking a chick who who like said that 9-11 i think she took it a step further and was like like 9-11 didn't happen or one of these crazy things and he was like i can't ever fuck you again and he was like he I can't ever fuck you again. And he said something like, this is a girl who I used to throw her head against the wall. It was like a chick that he would just like, just a slam pig.

And he was like, we can't ever do this again. Yeah, that's why she became a lesbian. Yeah. She's like, all right, this doesn't really seem to affect him very much. I'm just going to tell him I'm gay. Like the seven other women in his life who have become lesbians.'s the craziest stat in human history it cannot be a real stat it's like it's like there's no way it's like will chamberlain averaging like 55 points and 50 rebounds in a season times a million yeah it's it's all of wayne gretzky and tony gwynn's stats combined times a billion it just doesn't compute

that one man could turn seven girls gay. He must be a dog, dude. Or chicks are just like, I can't deal with this gender ever again. Like I always bust his balls about like the dick was so bad, but I think it's more just like personality. Yeah, your mind, your existence was so, just so disgusting to them that they were like, I'll never, I will never associate with anyone who has the same anatomy as this person ever again. She was like, I don't care about the stock pumpkin. Also, I'm gay. All right.

I got one. Am I? Speaking of gay. Where is it here? Okay. Am I the asshole for accusing my brother of being gay instead of studying all day? I don't even know what that means. I'm 14.

Okay. It's weird. Wait. Start over. Sorry. Am I the asshole for accusing my brother of being gay instead of studying all day seems like those things you could do simultaneously i don't think those are mutually exclusive but okay i'm 14 male and my brother is 22 male we've always had a great relationship he's he's the one i'm closest to all my life so far this is clearly right by a

fucking 14 year old yeah idiot um he started a phd doing maths at a top university last summer and i'm truly happy for him although that meant he would be away from home for six to seven months a year but he grew more distant from me ever since even when he was back home for holidays on most days he would stay in his room all the whole day and only come out for meals and to tuck me into bed at night. What is happening right now? This is two boys, right? Two boys, yeah. Not that it would make it even, probably make it worse if it was a sister, but what the

fuck? When he did play games or have prolonged chats with me, he was his old self. But those became more and more infrequent. When I asked him about it, he said he was too busy nowadays, but will spend Sundays with me, which he did. Recently, he decided to postpone his studies until summer because of lockdown. And one would think he would have more free time now, but apparently not.

And he continued saying that he was working, saying something like no one ever succeeds by doing the least amount of work. It didn't make sense, so I suspected he wasn't studying all day. I asked him if he was dating, and he said he was too busy to date. Anyways, one night after he thought I went to bed, I listened. I asked him if he was dating and he said he was too busy to date. Anyways, one night after he thought I went to bed, I listened. I saw him fucking a guy in the ass. I listened at his door and heard him talking on

the phone and it was obvious from the way he spoke that it wasn't just a friend. I've always suspected that he was gay since he never showed any interest in girls or the stock market. And figured he was I'm going to use that joke forever. or the stock market. I'm going to use that joke forever. And figured he always denied dating because he was ashamed of being gay.

I was angry that he lied to me. Well, yesterday I was arguing with my mom about grades. And when my brother chimed in and said, if you spent your time studying instead of arguing, maybe you would get better grades. And I said, you probably spend your time dating boys instead of studying. My mom was like, how dare you say that and sent me into my room. So I don't know how my brother reacted afterwards. I knew I shouldn't have talked back, but I didn't say anything too bad. And even when I did in my past, my brother never got angry at me.

Also, this time it is kind of his fault for lying to me and not caring about the stock market. But yesterday he ended up skipping dinner and didn't tuck me into bed at night. So I was, so I think he was really angry. Then today everything went back to normal and he watched a movie with me. So perhaps he felt bad about lying to me too. And he was not that angry anymore. I'm not sure on the asshole.

I, okay. Well, first of all, this kid wants to get fucked by his brother. That's a fact. You get tucked in and you apparently get wildly jealous if he's talking to other boys. You want to get fucked by your brother.

That 14-year-old boy wants to get fucked by his brother. I think I'm drinking Jackie's water. What do we got going here? I don't know. I just grabbed the water and I was like. Okay. That was like that one smelled like lipstick or something. Seriously, I was like, that's not.

That's not right. But anyway, the 14-year-old's gay. You're the asshole, dude. Definitely. You're a gay person. That's okay. Also, the other guy's gay, too. Well, you're not an asshole because you're gay.

But you are an asshole and also you're gay. It's like studying and calling yourself gay. The other brother's gay too, though. You wouldn't react that way. When he was like, okay, I got to tuck you in. I'll watch a movie with you. He is feeling guilty about it. The brother?

The older brother. Yes. So I think he's gay too. I think the kid nailed it and he was like, fuck, all right, I'll tuck you in. The tucking in is downright insanity. Insane. You're both the asshole here because you're a 22-year-old man who tucks your 14-year-old brother into bed at night.

You got to cut that behavior right fucking now. That's the weirdest shit I've ever heard. But what a comeback. Oh, yeah? Well, you should be studying, but you're spending your time talking to boys. You gay. I mean, this kid sucks.

This kid sucks for so many reasons other than the fact that he wants to fuck his brother. That's actually like last on the list, which is hard to fucking do. This is like, it reminds me of the time when Tyler Sagan and Jamie Benn

were talking about the Sedin brothers. And they were like, yeah, who knows what they do behind closed doors. And everyone was like, that's homophobic. And they're like, no, it's not. It's anti-incest. Yes. It's not homophobic. You're allowed to not want brothers to fuck each other.

Let's all take a hard line stance on that one. Let's hold the line on that at least throw a step on there no brother fucking he's talking if you say step sure i'll jerk off if you say step i'll come to it but if not i am morally opposed if not you know get out of here how about legislation against that dude i've been re-watchingep, and one of the funniest storylines is the fact that Jonah Ryan marries his sister. Yeah. And then his fucking – their parents get back together. He's like, you can't be together because now she's my sister.

Dude, Jonah Ryan is an all-time character. I mean – One of the greats. We've talked about it. Most underrated. Extensively in the sense that when he says the greatest line ever told, how am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clits, son, is the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.

It reminds me a lot of Kevin Bonner. Oh, they do look similar. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. But like the Uncle Jeff freaking out when he goes, this is an elementary school, for sure. Yeah. And like the Uncle Jeff freaking out when he goes, this is an elementary school, you animal. Did you see the Uncle Jeff clip I tweeted the other night?

No. When he's at Jonah's dad's funeral. And he goes, he comes up, he goes, Jonah, I'm so sorry. He goes, oh, oh, wow. Thanks, Uncle Jeff. That's really nice. He goes, so sorry you killed your father and I wasn't there to see it. And he starts dying laughing.

And he goes, I can't believe you gave him chicken pox. I always thought you were more of an AIDS guy. And then as Amy is escorting him out, he gives him his hotel key card. He goes, he's like, hotel key card. He's like, hotel key card. If you got a dick, I'll pay double. That's a great character, too. As far as bit characters go, Uncle Jeff is way up there. Uncle Jeff is, I would say he's my favorite character ever.

Every single time he's on screen, it's a wall. He's up there with some of the Sonny characters that are recurring. He is fucking hilarious, dude. If you got a screen, it's a wall. He's up there with some of the Sonny characters that are recurring, and he is fucking hilarious, dude. He got a dick off a double. Voicemails? All right, voicemails today are brought to you by the Books. It's time to get your flowers for Valentine's Day. It's February 4th.

You only got 10 days left, so get it in now so that you can schedule the exact delivery date, whether you're sending them to an office, probably not anymore, you're sending them to home, whatever it is. You still got to give Valentine's Day flowers for your wife, your girlfriend, your sister, your mother, your aunt, your grandmother, your boyfriend, your boss, your fucking favorite podcaster. Everybody wants goddamn flowers now. So go to the books on top of their beautiful bouquets.

They've also got chocolate and jewelry and candles, which is a nice touch because you can't just do flowers on Valentine's Day. It depends on where your relationship is, you know? So if you can get another little token in the same shot, you're done. It is entirely necessary. You must do flowers. Yeah, that's bare minimum. And then if it's a serious thing, maybe you got to get a real gift. If it's early, you can be like, and I got you like this little like locket or this little like bear or this little whatever.

And to do that all in one shot is just easy peasy lemon squeezy. And also maybe – actually, you know what? This is a good time to add in my life hack I've learned. Oh. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is great. This is great.

This is going to change your life. As good as it gets. Wait. Let me finish the ad because this is great. This is great. This is going to change your life. As good as it gets. Wait, let me finish the ad because this is great. This deserves its own thing. So they also have, you know, you can get your Valentine's Day roses, but they also have all these beautiful curated plants, bouquets, the whole nine, every type of flower. You've got to learn the flower, you know?

I mean, you don't have to. You can't just go roses. When you find out the flower that they like and you give them the flower, you're always going to get extra points. Yeah, you should get them. Like, here's lilies or here's tulips or here's whatever. It's like, oh, man. Or an orchid.

Orchid because you'll be orchidazical or whatever. Orchidacious. If someone tells you that you're orchidacious and you still have sex with them, you are the worst. Go to the books. Go to books.com. B-O-U-Q U Q S like bouquets, B O U Q S.com slash KFC and get 25% off your order,

which is nice because you know, the flowers get expensive this time of year that you make it all back with the discount. Do it now, get it out of the way. That way, you know, the delivery is going to be on time.

It's books.com slash KFC for 25% off your Valentine's Day flowers. Okay. Now, I actually have two questions here. Well, I have a question and a statement. One, Books was very nice, and they sent us free flowers that I brought home this week and got a great reception. They're beautiful flowers. They're unbelievable.

Do I have to get more flowers? Yeah. So this is always a problem with us that we do get the free flowers, and I think any girl in our life kind of knows that. Yeah. So it's like, here's a re-gift. I really considered taking them out of the box and being like, I just grabbed these. Oh, you brought the box home?

I did. And saw that it was like, why wasn't it out to the office? I was like, fuck. Yeah, see, I took it out, and I just walked there with a fucking glass vase of flowers. Oh, you're much smarter than me. But now I feel like I'm almost, like, extra sleazy. You were honest about it. You're like, here's a box I got to work, bitch.

I was like, look at these beautiful flowers. I wasn't hoping she wouldn't notice. Right, right. I didn't come in and say it. And I almost, I think I might have told on myself, but I also, I think I might have just let it ride. I've done both in my life. I've definitely done both. It's like, oh, also, I think I might just let it ride. I've done both in my life. I've definitely done both.

It's like, oh, it's Mother's Day. Flowers happen to come. Oh, it's Valentine's Day. Flowers happen to come. I think the safe play would be to get another bouquet from Books. It is the safe play. And what I'm going to do during that. And put your fucking own address on it, you dummy. Is the idea I learned over Christmas.

Now, I'm not the best gift giver. And I just. You don't say. The eternally selfish man. I'm not great at getting gifts. But what I've learned this past year is what you do. You get your gifts that you think they're like. You'll be wrong.

But what I do is I put in my pocket a drawing of a dog that I just threw. It's the same one. I've used it twice now. And I keep it in my top drawer. And you put a drawing of a dog in your pocket. And if – This is the nuclear option, by the way. Yeah.

This is like when your presents have bombed. Yeah. Right. yeah this is like when you're when your presence have yeah right when your presence don't even get a like oh okay when your presence get like a is this what is this for me what the fuck is this then you go with this option but and then you if they nuclear bomb then you take out and go and here's the big one and it's a dog that you're gonna get it's an iou for a puppy future and it is it's genius because and it makes me more confident when i give the gifts because i'm like well if she hates it yeah don't worry about it i got a bland i got something it's a living creature no one tell her about this do you know how like how badly how badly do you want to unless

you want a puppy yourself but if you're like I don't want to deal with responsibility and shit, do you know how bad you have to bomb your gifts to take on that responsibility? Like, do you know how badly you have to want to win the holiday and be like the hero to be like, I will take on a 15-year responsibility. I will take on something that will affect me every day for the next 15 years just because she didn't like the fucking sweater I got her. You are convincing me to stop doing this crap. People who get puppies are idiots. I'm just going to say it. Dogs,

they're great. I love them. Getting a dog is the craziest thing that all of society buys into. You just agree to live with an animal that is highly inconvenient for the next decade and a half it's crazy it is i actually get really annoyed too when i have like friends who have dogs like i go with pft sometimes and oh and r.i.p um yeah but you know what probably good but he's like i don't have to deal with this thing anymore. We'd be out and he'd be like, I don't know. We might have to cut that. Yeah, yeah. We'll cut that.

And I'll go out with, like, PFT and he'll be like, I got to go home and walk Leroy. And again, RIP Leroy. It's sad. He's gone now. But I'd be like, man, I'm having fun. That's the thing. This is inconvenient to me that you have to go out. You're doing your vacations.

You got to plan your weekends around. You have to have a dog sitter. They go to the vet. They throw up. They have seizures. They're this, they're this that that the food the worms that i mean having a dog is a fucking pain in the ass for as like crazy selfish as the world is it's wild that we like a vast majority of people are like yeah we'll do this that's kind of great i mean that's i guess the testament to how awesome the good side of dogs are where it's like they are cute

they struggle you you know see See, but I actually – I also – Duncan's a fucking crazy dog. So I never – I have not had that experience where you have like a chill dog who just is like a human in dog form where it's like he just like sits next to me and almost watches TV with me. If I had one of those, I guess that's pretty cool. See, those are my dogs. Yeah. And I think that's because of my personality. They learn that.

Yeah. Where it's like – Duncan was a motherfucker. My dog doesn't even cuddle with me. Yeah. I don't want to be. She's like, I don't want to be touched. Right.

You don't want to be touched. I'm going to sit at this end of the couch. You sit at that end of the couch. We'll be good. Right. And that's. But then also, same thing. Like, okay, that's cool.

But you have to, like, keep it alive. Pick up a shit and all these crazy things that you would just never do for, like, anything else. I kind of just run. I, depending on where he shits, I'm just like, that's fine. Basically, every time she shits, I just kind of look around. We're good. Didn't happen. Didn't happen.

Never happened. All right, voicemails. Voicemails. Oh, but wait, wait, sorry. Giving a dog as a gift is a colossally bad idea. It's my worst idea, but it's the path of least resistance. I won't be in trouble anymore. It's the path of least resistance.

I will be miserable for 15 years to not be in trouble for a night. Yeah, you will do that. It is true. And it wouldn't make me miserable. And that's why it's – I will take that as a responsibility. You'll be perfect for marriage. That's what's crazy.

We'll cut that. This episode's called We'll Cut That. Next up, or first up. What's up, guys? Viva, happy Groundhog's Day. Watching Kimmel. Ew, I know. Late night.

But anyways, he made a joke about getting a waffle truck outside his house for Groundhog's Day. So the thought came to mind, if you had to plan out your Groundhog's Day a la Bill Murray, how would you plan it out? What would your – That's a good question. If you could get a food truck outside your house. If you had to live one day for the rest of your life. That's a great question. Yeah.

I feel like you got to think though though, because you do something impulsive here and, like, you grow to hate it or you're like, oh, I didn't think about it. You know, it's like, all right, let's play out the waffle truck. Like, what if? Well, no, it's just it's just a day. I was thinking, like, you get fat, but it's like, no, you just start right over. Right, right. So I guess you can go as impulsive as you want because you get a clean slate after 24 hours. So then you got to think, think like what do we like doing just sitting on the couch but if it's going to be for the rest of time i want to have the option to not buy it on the couch dude i was

gonna say i you live it you do this i do it it's this is just your life. Yeah. Wake up. You know what? It's mine, too. Yours is just good. Mine's terrible. Jackie's like, whoa. Wake up. Jerk off. Take a shit. Take a shower. Watch TV for a bit.

Come to work. Do bullshit. Go home. Watch TV. Do bullshit. Go home. Watch TV. Watch TV.

Do bullshit. Like 7 o'clock. Drink some whiskey. Over and over and over. Oh, like, I home, watch TV, do bullshit. Like 7 o'clock, drink some whiskey. Over and over and over. Oh, like, I mean, I've been doing it. I've literally been doing it for a year now. Yeah. But it is probably something I do for...

It's really actually been... It's been pandemic life is where it's like... That's been Groundhog Day. I think it is for everyone. Yeah. It's just, that's what I do. But like when pandemic ends, you'll start going back out again, right? So would you want that to be part of your Groundhog Day?

Would you want a trip to the bar in there? Yeah. I guess you have to do these things. Let's say you have to do it, right? You have to do what? It's like every day I want the bar to be open and I can go in. I don't have to go in. But it's like you have to do these things, right?

Yes. Because that's what I mean. It's like, you can pick like, all right, I want to go on sex Island. It's like after, you know,

probably like four days, you'd be like, Oh, I'm done. I have to do this for eternity. I think, you know what I would do that I don't do, but if I,

if I knew I had to do for the rest of my life, I would add it in play hockey. See, I was going to say that to you. I was like, would you maybe want to like go hit the rink? I, which is something I never do. Right. But I, you like it, play hockey. See, I was going to say that to you. I was like, would you maybe want to go hit the rink? Which is something I never do. Right.

But you like it. You love when you're doing it, you're happy doing it. I'm far happier. Even the little bit we played for the Barcelona Pond Hockey Tournament, which is a year ago now. Yeah. You were like, this is awesome. I was like, I'm just in a much better mood.

But also, I remember you being like, I don't want to do this anymore. Yes, because I got it. So, that's what I mean. There is a clear difference. Here's the thing. You have to pick, for this exercise, you have to boil it down to the least common denominator here.

What is the only thing you can do for eternity? And that's sit on the couch and watch TV. I could play hockey for an hour a day for eternity. I don't think you could. I would. I think there would come a day where you'd be like, I just don't want to fucking gear up and all this shit.

Because guess what? You don't. You love it so much, you never play. But it is. I think that's the problem with growing up. You just stop doing these things. People are like, oh, I was so much happier when I was a kid. You were doing things you liked. And now you're just not doing those things anymore.

And that became very clear to me when we were playing. I'm telling you, once. Just skating a little bit. It doesn't even have to be hockey. It's that little piece of competitiveness that we think we've lost. You're just happier when you have it yeah you're happy like i'd be like i'd be like even like even like doing surviving barstool i'm not i'm not in it but like being in something like that where i'm like this is tense this is cool it's entertaining

right like i love this you don't get that you know i've said this a million times as soon as you get introduced to booze and pussy your life goes downhill because you get fixated on those two things and you forget about all the fun shit that you used to do. Nobody does anything fun when they're an adult. No. Ah, you know what I also might do? I might ski. Could not disagree more.

Skiing is another thing where it's like you versus something. Every day, dude. Also, that means you have to pick winter. Well, I would choose winter for sure. I mean, winter is way better than summer. Winter is so much better than summer, it insane well that's fine but you gotta pick fall or spring no if you if you if you pick anything other than a crisp fall i mean this man is a

he's a runaway train he is a runaway train of illogical obedience that is that is today sucks bro no Today is cold. Slush puddles everywhere. There's still like a little bit of snowfall that's just like peppering you in the fucking face. You can't drive anywhere. You're soaking wet. Everyone's bundled. Because today is a day – Where you would just go sit down and watch TV.

Today is a day where everyone's like me. Okay, well – So I would choose today because you're all in my boat. Okay, that's fair. This is how I feel. It could be July 4th. I feel like you feel today. That's a good enough point.

If you would pick a fucking Nor'easter every day because then we all just stay home and watch TV and there's no guilt, then I can get down with that. But you're not going to want to go fucking play hockey on a day like this every single fucking day. Of course I would. This is the day I want to play hockey. No. There's going to come a day very soon that you don't want to fucking get up and go out and do all this shit very soon because again you don't do this it's such a clear like you're wrong because you don't you have the option to do this thing you allegedly do i fucking call i go see my mom i buy her flowers.

You don't do those things any day. Anyway, you could do that right fucking now. You could make Groundhog Day your day. Talk my 14-year-old brother into bed. There are people who are like, I wake up every day at 4 a.m. I work out. I go to this. I do that.

I go for a run. I go to work. I play with my kids. It's like I just want to watch TV. It's the only thing I know that I could safely. We're talking eternity, dude. We're talking eternity dude we're talking eternity you know when I was like 7 you know what my first thing would do

if I could live a day over and over the first thing I would do is shoot myself in the head your day is just like 2 seconds long every day I wake up and commit suicide. I wouldn't make it the first thing I do. I would for sure make it the last thing I do.

Not make it the first. I would jump off a bridge every night. I would do it in bed. I would have in my side pocket of candy. I'd have a gun. And I'd fucking shoot myself in the eye. I would jump off a bridge every single night. Imagine jumping off a bridge not having to be afraid.

That'd be awesome. Although I think there'd be a moment of trepidation every time. It's like, what if this is the day that the cycle breaks? I was going to ask how long it would take you guys to start jumping off shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's in Palm Springs. Palm Springs, yeah. They just start doing crazy shit.

I don't fucking care anymore. Yeah, as soon as that doesn't work. I've tried a lot. Right. Right. I mean, I guess if you want to get literal about it, I would like to wake up. I'd like there to be some morning sex. I'd like there to be a bomb breakfast. I'd like to watch The Price is Right.

I would probably like to record a podcast or do some sort of radio. But that's it. And then starts the television. Finish up with a little more sex and suicide. See, you keep going with sex. Yeah, I think you say that like it's going to be in the minority. I would jerk off with a belt around my neck until I strangled to death. There's a choice.

There is a choice. You could do that. You could go david carradine every day for eternity i respect that opinion i absolutely respect that could you imagine on day like 20 million you're like i've never done it might as well try it one time it's got to be awesome i mean people die for it you know it's like it's the same thing there's no way it's that good i it can't be people literally sacrifice their lives for it john it's got to be awesome what do you say we try that tonight together sure i'll tuck me in

let's do one more voicemail and get into our interview with ryan long because it's funny and long and i mean he is a Ryan Long because it's funny and long. I mean, he is a funny motherfucker. It's brought to you by Miller Lite, the type of guy you want to sit down. You know what? I want to have an American-ass beer with that Canadian. I just want to make Ryan Long go full-blown America on everyone's ass and have a nice Miller Lite, which has great taste and less filling, better than every other beer out there.

You don't want to drink some fancy craft beer. You don't want to be that dickhead. You don't want to drink some fancy craft beer. You don't want to be that dickhead. You don't want to drink some watered-down garbage from the other names. You've got to go straight to the source in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where you know they brew that good, good. You can get it delivered right to your house now. You don't have to go out. You don't have to go to the bars.

It doesn't matter what your rules are, what city you live in. If you can go out, indoor dining, outdoor dining, no dining. You can get it delivered right to your door, so you don't have to worry about that obviously with the big day coming up they're doing it they're doing it big shout out to the girl who wrote down the ad now's the time to get your pen and paper out for the really really really long url so mill So Miller Lite is running this promo where during the Michelob Ultra ad for the Super Bowl, if you go to this website while Michelob Ultra is running their commercial, you can win free beer. Get your pen and paper out.

I'll give you a second. And then you can write it down. It's the only place in the world that you can get this URL. There's no other ways possible to get the URL. Certainly no other way than just listening to me right now and writing it down let's go www.this miller light marketing stunt will distract you from ultras big game ad dot com slash just type in this url when the michelob ultra commercial airs on the sacred sunday in february when everyone is watching football and we will give you free Miller Lite which not only has more taste than Michelob Ultra but also has only one more calorie and you will actually burn that calorie by typing this ridiculously long URL

but you will have to type it for real no cheating by copying and pasting which is why we are printing this URL in a good old-fashioned newspaper of the highest integrity and yes we are aware that there's bound to be some technology that exists that could transcribe a photo back into highlightable text in which case you could cheat and copy and paste this url but we are going to trust you because good relationships are built on trust so once again please type this url on february 7th because this is a stunt designed to make you miss our competitors and burn a calorie and get a free beer it's miller time uh also there are no apostrophes or anything like that i believe that was her question when she tweeted that

there's yeah obviously not because you know how urls work right yeah and and 7th february 7th is the number and th oh okay that's a big one yeah so celebrate responsibly get ready for dirt for during uh michael obolch's big ad and drink yourself a Milwaukee and drink yourself a Miller light brewing for the Miller. How can I get through the fucking ad? And then I can't do that. That's crazy. Celebrate responsibly for the Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee,

Wisconsin, 96 calories, 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. No purchase necessary. Must be 21 to participate. Last one. Let's go. What's up, boys? I got a quick question for you.

So me and my buddy at work the other day, we're talking about celebrities and, uh, all of you came up. So obviously we're all talking about, you know, how good looking she is. And then,

and, uh, his statement was, I would gurgle her bath water. I hate that. So we're all kind of, you know, just stop, just stop it. That not, I would gurgle her bath water. I hate that shit. We were all kind of shocked at first.

Just stop. Just stop it. That, not out of like feminism or anything. Out of just strictly like comedy. The I would drag my nuts through the broken glass just to sniff or fart. To hear you fart through a fucking. All of it. What is it?

To hear you fart through a walkie talkie or something like that. All of it. Everyone who says that thinks they're the most clever person. No, it's just a thing people said in 2012. It was a comment on Barstool Sports when we first fucking started. I mean, it is beyond – I'm shocked it's still happening. Like, shocked. I'm sure maybe the question was going to be like, who would you actually –

I mean, I would. If Halsey was like, if you do you know we'll go out i would yeah but the joke is just so fucking played out why did you say right away like oh she's the best halsey well i mean i agree but i'm learning there's a specific no everything just everything about her halsey halsey gave me a pregnancy fetish. We're cutting that. No, we are not. No, we are not. And you know what? You're not wrong. I've never seen like a person

with like, oh, she's glowing. Saw Halsey pregnant and I was like, what up? She is. And you know what's crazy? I think her voice is the sexiest part about her. And she's crazy sexy. It's not like she's an ugly girl with a great voice. But that voice is so distinct.

I love that girl. She's the best in the business. I could not love Halsey more. And in fact, I love Halsey so much that I would not do any of those things because she deserves much better than me. I would make sure her bath water is perfect with the bath bombs and the flowers and shit like that. I couldn't possibly gargle it because it's got chemicals in there that are great for your skin and your soon-to-be child. Boy, that got weird.

Halsey, come on our show. And also there's fucking I don't I just don't think there's anyone you said like oh I would definitely do that and I said I wouldn't

because it's disrespectful not disrespectful to her but she just deserves better I don't think there's anyone I would do anything weird for I just think in that moment that's not that bad well that

I mean I mean you know I'll gargle your fucking backwash water you know I'll do that now. I mean, you know, I'll gargle your fucking backwash water. I'll do that now just because you dared me. Let alone if Halsey was at the end of the rainbow. That's true. But some of the other shit's stupid.

I wouldn't drag my balls through broken glass for anyone. Nobody. Not for a single person. Not for a single thing. Top 7% penis here. We said balls, not penis. Well, the balls are a big part of it. How much money, though?

For what? For that. I would drag my balls through glass for money before I did it for a girl. I actually think it wouldn't even... I think my balls aren't heavy enough to really be affected by broken glass. I think there'd have to be some sharp glass. If I had to step through it, that would hurt. Right.

I think I could gently drag my balls, and it might feel good. I think I'd be turned on by this. Hopefully that's what gets me to Halsey, because I can be revved up, ready to go for her. If I dragged my balls through broken glass, I would definitely be hard by the end of it. If I dragged my balls through broken glass, I might cum, John. Show is over ryan long ryan long a very funny new comedian on the scene here in america uh is on the show let's talk to him what's up man yo look at this i got this uh badass thing, webcam setting pedal, and you can fucking look at this.

You can sort of like. Oh, shit. How many cooler shit do we do? What's going on? Dude, it was five bucks because it's one of those things. Like you always buy. Like I got all these free programs and all of them are fucking garbage. And then I like bought the bullet and bought one.

And it was like the best thing I ever bought. Because hold on one more. I'll show you this. Well worth it. Huh? Well worth it. And yeah, you can move it around.

You look way handsomer than us too. Yeah. Fuck. Let's go and see him at $5. This can be you. It was on audio, man. Shit.

Yo. So Ryan long joins us now, who, if i had to pick one name that i've been hearing you should have told me we are live by the way we're live yeah we're always live we're always live babe that let me brag about my my tech you let me brag about my tech for 10 minutes so i mean every comic that i listen, every comic that I hear talking about comics, Tim Dillon, Schwartz, Rogan, Schultz, I mean, everybody. Schwartz, I like that a lot. Ryan Long's next.

Ryan Long's next. So I'm always very careful of this to be like, you're the new guy because you might be like, motherfucker, I've been doing this for 20 years. Fuck you. But it feels like you've kind of reached some sort of tipping point with your career as far as. No, no, I actually am the new guy. You're really new? Okay. I wasn't sure. Yeah. Well, I think we talked about it, but they're like,

so I'm not new to the world, but I only moved to America like four months before the pandemic. So if you told anyone in toronto that you know you heard of this ryan longa obviously but in america everyone was kind of like yo this guy came out of nowhere because i legitimately did right i moved here four months before the pandemic like kind of got past it all the clubs like started kind of and then it was you know i've been in lockdown my entire time in america so everyone here is kind of finding out about me but i've been doing this stuff like i had some tv shows in canada and i made a bunch of series at cbc which is like a national broadcaster and

whatever how to how to hold career over there then moved here and kind of did the same thing and everyone's been very cool that's that's so perfectly american that like if you did like look who we discovered like no no no no man i was fucking popular in a different country like he's ours baby and by the way not like you know i was over like india he's like an hour away in fucking toronto you guys are kind of right though because it's like you know it's this attitude of americans are like oh if it's not america it doesn't matter but it's true unfortunately and everyone else thinks that too like in canada the only i was talking about this yesterday the only difference is we do have bands like before i was ever a comic i had like a pretty successful band

in canada when i was young and but we had like when you're growing up you'd see the like let's say uh foo fighters and then we'd see our canadian bands and when you're 10 you're just like oh that's a band and then when you grow up you see the guy from the other band like working as a barback you're like oh fuck yeah but it might was i being duped this whole because we would just have our mtv countdown and they would like squeeze 10 you know canadian bands on there so you'd be like oh my god it's like nirvana moist like these canadian bands you guys haven't heard of right but now yeah you kind of as you grow up you're oh, that guy was making 50 grand a year. So did you did you feel like what about Schitt's Creek was Canadian, right? No, this is the the kind of like twist that Canadians will do that's wrong because Schitt's Creek, Eugene Levy moved to America, became a big American celebrity, right?

Like he was, you know, on a million things. He was SCTV or whatever it was. Then he was the American, all this stuff, right? He big American celebrity, moved back to Canada to make a TV show with his son. So he essentially, you know, used his name and Catherine O'Hara. And his son was like a MTV VJ in Canada. So he basically went back and he's like, I'll make my son's property and I'll be like in it. And I'll, you know, be the executive producer. So no, they, it's like a Jim Carrey made,

you know, is Wayne's world, a Canadian, his movie is, is Austin powers a Canadian franchise like once. So right now, that's the same thing that's happening with me. Like probably right now, everyone's like, Oh, like Canadian. It was like, you guys can eat a dick because you had like you, it's the same thing that's happening with me. Like probably right now, everyone's like, Oh, like Canadian. It was like, you guys can eat a dick because you had like you, it's the opposite. You guys hold people back. And then,

so Jim Carrey, if he goes in, like decides to make a little program for Canadian television, like as a, you know, to be nice to help one of his friends in Canada, it's not like Canada's coming up. Why not do me a favor?

Just go all the way and just say, fuck Canada. That place can eat a dick.'m done i got i've got american flag boxes on i'm going full american canadian patriot i'm out there like they're taking their guns like i wasn't even allowed i'm all in how is the the band You definitely have a band look to you. The tats, the hair. I had more of a band look before. I was a wild kid when I was young. I would have to imagine

girls were fond of you. I'm gay. Well, you missed out, bro. I'm actually straight, but when I came here, I was like, this seems to be working for Tim Dillon. I'm going to but when I came here I was like this seems to be working for Tim Dillon like what if I and Dillon I'm gonna make Tim Dillon suck somebody's dick in front of me

because if all that happens I will tell you that I was in like this pretty famous band when I was like 20 and is the most famous like comedians getting pussy except for some of the black guys maybe like the most famous comics like girls like them as much as you know and openers openers openers at the friggin like you know

playing for three people in bands like there's some band that's 21 years old like playing for 14 people and they're better than doing better with ladies than like louis ck was i don't know louis was doing pretty good they weren't really into it But he was getting a lot of them I guess it's sort of like these TikTok stars Where you'll see some 21 year old guy That's some big TikTok star

And you're like, this guy's not famous You guys are like, we're actually popular I fought that for so long I was like, these are Chinese data farm numbers They're not real and then i started to see like they would walk outside and get fucking mobbed like they were the guys and i was like all right it's it's fucking real i mean yeah you're you're way richer

and way more successful than me in one twelfth of the time i know that's one of the problems with not doing stand-up because i've seen uh i've you know i kind of popped off on the internet and stuff and it does feel like it's not real until you go outside and people are like yo it's what's up can i take a picture and you're like what the hell is your i understand the real guy i i get that the comics want like you guys are so yeah so you said like instant gratification yeah but i promise you dude a room of like 250 people does not fucking matter when you're getting like hundreds of thousands of views on your instagram i promise you that that's the bs you all need that instant like you're so fucking funny yeah you have it what

comedians need to do is just they need to get addicted to likes like we do that's that's what gets me off i don't need a laugh i just need for dopamine to slip out or slip into my brain i don't really know how dopamine works for dopamine to do stuff what it's supposed to do i just need a couple of hearts and that's it i don't need to hear a laugh i don't need anything just some green retweets and a red heart yeah i i can't on instagram just come on over the dark side i prefer people to be arguing in the comments that's the only thing that does it for me i like to be quote tweeted angrily that's what i'm having fire but the with comedy the difference is it's it's kind of like the on internet the things that

do really well a lot of times have like a very specific point and they're kind of like you know scratching very specific itch where it's like stand up this is a lot of the times people that don't actually go in the clubs and do three shows a night and like actually work on comedy you you can see that the ones that just live on the internet because they just all they it's like you see this with people with politics right like they just put their jersey on and they're like i'm on this team and it's like comfortable and it's easier and you can actually get more likes by a whereas when a room full of people especially in you know new york or something there's all different people there it's like you actually need to be really funny you can actually get more likes by a, whereas when a room full of people, especially in, you know, New York or something, there's all different people there.

It's like, you actually need to be really funny. You can't just kind of say what people already think the whole time. No, a hundred percent. I mean, there, there, anybody who can, who can just work an entire room in the major cities is just undoubtedly fun. It's better. Yeah. Which is why I like, that's why stand up, you know, in every art form kind of goes through its peaks and valleys like stand up was kind of popping off for a little while and i think

everyone's kind of like enough with the stand up it's like another 49 netflix specials you're like i'm gonna take a break on stand up for a little bit but you know it'll come back and whatever but that that's like the big difference of where with stand up it's kind of like fighting or something like that where you know people you can make videos on the internet and everyone be like this guy sucks or whatever and you're like he's gonna be like fuck do i suck but in stand-up someone be like that's not funny and i'm like i'm killing right now so there is an objective component that allows you i think it kind of helps you to be more confident whereas even with like i do some pretty edgy videos and stuff like that and the other other, a lot of people are like, yo, how can you do that?

Like, how do you say that stuff or whatever? And I'm like, to me, it's not crazy because I'm like, I've been, you know, doing this bit or whatever for, uh, six months. And I'm like, this works every time. Like this isn't risky at all. It's like one of my go-tos almost, you know what I mean? So you kind of just find that thing where it's, you know, you know how to do this little thing. two's almost you know what i mean so you kind of just find that thing where it's you know you know how to do this little thing you're the skits are very funny which i feel are is a very tough thing

to do like ordinarily people like have you seen this skit i'm like i'm gonna fucking hate this totally sticks it to someone but you guys man i mean it seems natural it's like obviously like a scripted skit but it somehow feels natural and funny the PC called the one with Ian with finance is just yeah he's the best it's so fucking funny all of them though they're a hit I mean every time I see a Ryan Long skit come out I watch it so I usually hate those so it's a good

compliment yeah we're kind of bringing sketch comedy back a little bit because it was also a little bit of like a dead art form in a lot of ways but I mean it's the same thing that probably happened to you guys it's like the industry switched so much that it was bit of like a dead art form in a lot of ways but i mean it's the same thing that probably happened to you guys is like the industry switched so much that it was kind of like this whole counterculture kind of you know got started and that's another reason why america is you know better in canada it was like you know how people are crazier in portland and places like that like they're more nuts there's because there's no room for like this scent so the smaller like whereas

in new york there's a whole room for a counterculture like you mentioned like tim dillon schultz and all those guys is like they're making huge careers like outside of the industry you know and that's like one of the cool things here is the industry shifted where it was like guys like me you know you're like obnoxious fucking white dude or whatever you know the industry was like we don't want this and then the industry basically went to everyone and they're like this is what you like now and people are like like, I mean, no, it's not. But you can keep shoving it down our throat. Right. But there's enough, you know, you can kind of create your own thing.

And then once you're on the counterculture and once you're like free from, you know, all of that stuff, you can actually just really focus in on what you want to do, which actually just makes you so much better than these people that are, you know, I'll make sketches with these people. And that are like really in the industry. And they're like, well, I can't do this. And I can't do that. Well, it's like, I stay away from that. And I'm like, man, imagine, you know, you're fighting with your hand tied behind your back. Right. And it's like, just so you know, like when I go up, I'm not following any of those rules. So I'm going to demo you. You know what I mean? Right. You're fucked then. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit.

Feels like that. I mean, we have had an evolving set of rules to play by as we've gotten bigger and more official. Yeah. And it always feels like we kind of just stay right on the edge. But we definitely have softened and moved back. And I went on the Legion of Skanks podcast a couple weeks ago with Big J and them. And I was like,

holy fuck. This is what it's like to have no rule. After your 12th N word, you were like, maybe this isn't the move. The first 40 seconds, it was all rape and N words. And I was like,

what is going on? And like working at Barstool, we used to, we always kind of think we're like edgy and the ones like pushing the envelope. We're really not anymore. And when I heard that, I was like, oh, my fucking God, you guys are insane. How do you guys even have jobs? Well, Kevin texted me before he even got there.

Kevin texted me. He's like, I'm actually starting to get pretty nervous about this. And I was like, why? What's going on? He's like, I've been warned to not drink anything that I didn't bring myself because he's like, they're going to poison me. I was like, all right, maybe it is. It was the first time maybe certainly in my career, maybe in my whole goddamn life. I just pushed the microphone away and I was like, you guys go for the next few minutes.

Like, I'm always the one putting my foot in my mouth. I did it just last night. I'm always saying dumb shit. Those guys, I was like, okay, I'll join the bit when we're done with the N word. Yeah. I think some of that's the difference of like, you know, some people come from the like,

woke Brooklyn comedy scene and you see the way that they're, you know, all the things they can't say. Whereas, you know, if you come from certain comedy scenes, it's like you and your friends are like that. And the difference is, I think, with like that kind of edgy stuff, because, you know, that's the video I made with Ian a little bit.

A lot of times you'll have friends that are like, oh, you can't handle the edginess. And you're like, you know, pissing on ashes at a funeral. That's not edgy, dude. What are you doing? This is one that I'll say the other thing first, but those guys are hilarious. So it's like, you know, it's it's funnier than it is edgy. But I used to see this with comics a lot, even in the pandemic. Like there was a lot of comics we knew.

And I'm like guilty of this too, but they would do shows in parks like during the pandemic. And I was trying to not do any of that nonsense, but there were, and then you'd see them online complaining, be like, you know, these PC pussies at the park or whatever. And you're like, that was a lady like walking her dog. And you're like yelling frigging slurs at her. I don't know.

You're like, oh, sorry, I'm twisted. You can't handle me. And you go, I don't really know if that's what happened. You know, if you show up, it's like, it sounds like you just were bombing. And that's, that was a girl having a picnic with like her daughter. That was 100%. Yeah. People are, are you know it's like good to differentiate the two because a lot of times you know people are allowed to be mad like if you go to a show and it's like oh a christian audience let's say for example and then you you talk about like having sex you know like

a glory hole for 10 minutes and they're and it's bombing and you don't switch and then you do 40 minutes of that and they all leave being like that guy was offensive like there was no like foul play it happened there it's like they had a sensibility you didn't like it the difference is sometimes there's this version where people will come there in bad faith like they'll watch your things like they they already knew they were there to get mad and that person exists or even the opposite like you'll go to a comedy club kill everyone liked it and then they'll watch your things like they they already knew they were there to get mad and that person exists or even the opposite like you'll go to a comedy club kill everyone liked it and then they'll write an article being like this is problematic it's bad and you're like i i told a joke the audience laughed and you have want to add like a third realm so there is you know i'm not saying

there isn't like this war going on so to speak but it's not always that right you know right and as always i feel like you look around the room and the really funny guys are still killing, you know? Yeah. That's a big thing that. Be fucking funnier. And then. Yeah.

And when you kind of end up in this like edgy space, everyone wants you to be like the poster boy for that stuff too. Right. So people will be, you know, it's like, you can't say anything anymore. Like, oh, you can't say anything on stage. And I'm like, I do good. Like, do you think I'm just bombing every night like right no i'm like i'm do well okay so it's just but they want you to you know it's like oh you can't say anything and first of all because this is kind of like a

right and left thing always do right it's like i was watching this bill o'reilly uh clip because i watched uh insane clown posse videos and then next thing you know i'm like nine insane clown posse videos deep but the um bill o'reilly was interviewing the same clown posse and he was basically saying you know um do you think that don't you think that you have a responsibility to say things like these are bad uh things to say and they're hurting society and they're hurting people and you know this is harmful your words and it was like the exact same thing that like hollywood people are saying now and you go it just flipped but it's like the exact same thing that like hollywood people are saying now and you go it just flipped but it's like there's always going to be a level of people you know

church moms that are trying to tell you what to say and that's just the kind of part of the game so what did uh shaggy too dope and silent jay have to say to bill o'reilly violent jay was like pretty funny back in the day he was kind of like first of all it's not our job to like educate your kids stupid. You know, he said that, which is the first part of it. But the second part, he goes, people aren't as dumb as you think they are. You know, they show this video of this kid coming up and the kid's like 12 or whatever. Right.

And he comes up and he tries to buy, he gets a CD signed and then Violent J goes, all right, go home and smoke some weed. And he's like, you are telling a child to smoke marijuana you know it's like that right and he's like no this kid's not stupid like you know what i mean if you actually listen to our music like a lot of it is you know it's all about family like they have their lame ass man they've got their code like if you actually listen it's you know they get you in with like i'm gonna slit the throat and then like verse two is like but low key like it's all about family and friends and you're like ah but you know you talked about the skanks like they're you know all the nicest people and they're all about that kind of stuff too it's

like so their fans aren't stupid it's like it's it's people that don't listen to it or don't pay attention and everyone has their own code of conduct they're just like their moral code involves you're allowed to make edgy jokes to each other but they actually a lot of times And everyone has their own code of conduct. They're just like their moral code involves. You're allowed to make edgy jokes to each other, but they actually, a lot of times other people will be, you know, the people that are like,

Oh, you know, I'm so worried about all this and this. They're the assholes. I'm like all these, I know these guys that are like stand up for women. I'm like, you haven't called your mom in two years.

You know, we saw that all the time that started so long ago. We would find everybody who hated us online inevitably their dms would leak and they were all creeps they were always yeah harassing chicks and we were like uh well another one i mean literally john how many times that was the what it was all hockey twitter it was all i was oh i forget their fucking names now but there it was like there was like a three-month stretch where just every day someone would fall where it's like it was great another

for us we're just like another one another one happened it was so fucking good man have you have you been have you had like a a little foray with getting canceled on the internet yet since coming to America I mean I feel like it's just been non-stop that but because i have um because i make all my money independently there's not that much for them to cancel me from so it's more like if you you know if you do you know like when shane gillis went on snl that's when they got him like when kevin hart did the oscars like you know obviously he's fine but it's all it always happens when you try to you know enter their world of you know the industry it's like there's it's all, it always happens when you try to, you know, enter their world of, you know, the industry. It's like, there's, it's like, you know, they always talk about turf. Like it really is that they're like,

because it's like, you know, you created the industry. It's like, okay, but you don't own podcasting now you don't own, you know, stand up. You don't own really like the YouTube space. And by the way, they always have like, I say these people are kind of like Japan because they always have like an itch for world domination. They're like, we could probably censor podcasts, right're coming i was gonna say they're coming things don't go unregulated and like untaxed for very long so no exactly but they want it

the uh like i remember talking to shane gillis thinking like what you just said it's when you try to go into their world that like they get you and it's like so why even do that and i remember saying to shane like why do you even who even cares like why do you even want snl and he was like yeah yeah i wanted to work for snl i definitely it would have been a good thing for me so it sucks that you feel like you know i guess i could go out of my comfort zone but is it gonna like blow my whole shit up is it kind of sucks. Yeah. And I have both because like, I actually, what,

you know, came up in like punk bands and I've, I've been doing this for a long time. So I actually do have the, I'd rather be part of the counterculture. And I, I'd rather kind of, you know, I like the idea of not being beholden to those other things,

but then there's the other part of it is that I'm like a filmmaker. No, it's not even the money. Like, you know, I got some, it's not even that, you know what I mean?

It's more like, I, I want to make like a television show like again you know what i mean i want to be able to here's the example i'm making sketches and stuff like that i'd love to be able to do a sketch in a gymnasium with like 85 you know uh extras like i like i want to you know and again we're talking about like independently making a movie right now so there's lots of ways to you know still do stuff but i am like at the end of the day it's like a lot of people will say that to me it's like what do you need those people anymore whatever it's like if and if i was like a comedian or podcaster that would be true but i you know i would like to make movies and i would like to make tv shows so right and so i don't know

exactly where i'm sitting in that but that that's the truth but would i want to be like a cast member on snl like no i to me that's like would have been a better job when i was like in my 20s like i'm 35 right now i'm like i feel like that i wouldn't want to do that when i wake up and like go to where where's the nbc center whatever yeah yeah i got a i i subway up to midtown it didn't work uh you know writing on with a bunch of nerds for 100 grand a year like for what that's a fucking man dude fuck the man i'm not commuting to work yeah i don't want to do that and that's what i that's the one thing that's so cool about new york and versus you know where i'm from but like i when i moved like a lot of my friends here i'm sure you guys do well like a lot of my friends here have a lot of money so do you know what i

mean it's it's this whole thing where they used to be like you know the dream was you know what I mean? It's this old thing where they used to be like, you know, the dream was, you know, well, oh, you can pitch all these stuff and maybe you can get a show at Comedy Central. And, you know, the first year you'll make 200 grand a year. But if that works out, you know, you can make a ton of money and be Amy Schumer and you're doing all these pitches and you're those people involved. And it's like I have friends that are like, I have five million dollars. You know, like you better make this easy for me. Like, and I'm not saying i i'd have that but it's like don't don't have us in that crew yet dude the game's changed yeah you know what i mean like man quick i mean the comics andrew and tim and them like yeah like they went from like you know

working you know regular rooms to like oh i'm a millionaire now yeah and if you think of kevin hart when they canceled them so speak from the uh grammys i mean you know at that level and those small of things it's kind of all for show or whatever but who got hurt more kevin hart or the grammys they probably had like terrible viewership so it's that thing where it's and i actually thought that one worked out well because i think it was the oscars not the whatever it was but it like ended up being way more entertaining because a host really doesn't fucking matter like on a show like that it was like it ended up being i think it ended up being like one of the better reviewed uh oscar nights because it was like

all right there's not the fucking drag out ellen degeneres with a fucking orders pizza for everybody it's like just fucking do the award just show me who won best picture it's all i give a shit about i don't want to see like the most retweeted picture of all time or whatever they did with like bradley cooper all the other categories the oscar should have what like six categories total maybe like four the rest of that shit is for the birds who gives a fuck yeah and they should just tweet them yeah right you just be one but just don't waste our time with your accomplishments. Jesus Christ. All those awards are such a joke right now too. Cause it's, it's all that same thing where, um, I would, here's a perfect example. Like Canada is super, uh,

you know, trying to be the right, like woke or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, here's our, you know, here's the top comics for the year. And then, so they released all these articles and it'll be like the 10 top comics of the year. And I'll be like, the video I made yesterday has more views than all of them combined for the entire careers. And you go, it's like, people have eyes.

It's like, no, you guys have said, you've been hearing about me and stuff. It's like, imagine what it's like in Toronto comedy scene. Like, you know what I mean in that respect? So they go and they're like, here's the 10 comics. It's like, it's legitimately like them saying, here's the top like basketball player of the year. And you're like, oh, what I mean? In that respect. So they go and they're like, here's the 10 comics. It's like, it's, it's a legitimately like them saying here's the top like basketball player of the year. And you're like, Oh, who is it? LeBron? They're like, no, no, no.

He's it's actually a girl and she plays college. She hasn't made it. Like what are you talking about? You have eyes. It's madness. Yeah. That's like, uh, I mean, we've said it forever with, with the, uh, Emmys. It's like, if you like, if your award show has never even nominated It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I don't take you seriously. Yeah, I know. You know, period.

Like you have people, there are shows that have proven themselves out that never even get a nod. I know. And they used to be able to trick people too because here's a perfect example. Like everyone, if you ask girls, they would think girls is like this insanely popular show. Remember that show girls like it wasn't like the viewership was not that high

it's just won every award like actual viewership that was not that popular you know it was kind of like a cool hipster show or whatever if you you know if you're into that or whatever but like that was not a big hit by any means it's just but they they changed the context but now i think people it's like you can only lie to people so many times you know what i mean it's just but they they change the context but now i think people it's like you can only lie to people so many times you know what i mean it's like your friend that's like yo i got these honeys coming they're freaking dimes and after like the fifth set of fives you're like i don't think we listen to fucking dave about girls anymore they lost their vouch it's ridiculous i had a friend like that i had a friend who were like i i used to joke that he was like like he

had a medical need for pussy like he was just and he would there was one time we got in a fight because he would he would always point out girls like like it was in college and he'd be like yo look at this girl look at this hottie coming up look at this hottie coming up look at this hottie coming up and then we drive up and it would be a guy and i'd be like dude why don't you just wait until you see the person like why why do you so why is it so necessary for you to point out a woman to me wait to make sure it's a woman like just just it doesn't matter if you wait 15 more seconds to say that girl's hot it was the fucking craziest thing and it ended up being like all right we just thought we don't listen to damien

about girls anymore because most of the time they're men i used to have a joke where i say some guys are just into it they'll be like check out that girl i'm like the one in the mobility about girls anymore because most of the time they're men i used to have a joke where i say some guys are just into they'll be like check out that girl i'm like the one in the mobility scooter like just anyone if you ever go to the greenwich village the comedy scene there the like because there's all the like like sellers like a lot of cool hip black guys or whatever right which is it's always like you know a bunch of white nerds and then like a bunch of cool black guys that like, you know, like get girls instead. But those guys, you'll be standing with them and they'll be like, oh, what's up, man? How are you doing?

Like, what shows you? Oh, boy. Yo, what's up, girl? Hey, how you doing? Oh, okay. Are you good? Okay, whatever, whatever, whatever. So, yeah.

Anyways, I have a 10 o'clock spot at. They can't stop. Yeah. I've always felt that way. The amount of courage they always had i would i mean never never i'm like maybe i'll go talk to her later i'll do that after a couple drinks yeah go i was always so envious of that no rejection at all there was my one friend this guy anthony in toronto he's like hood black dude Like he went to jail and all that stuff.

Right. And he, I remember he was telling me some sad because he has a daughter and he was like, yeah, it's just honestly, they grow up like, and, and she's like, she was getting suspended or something. He was like telling me this story or like a couple of us and mid story, two girls walked into the strip club next door and he goes, yeah, no. And that's the thing about having a, yo, yo, what's up girl. Yo, go, go. And he goes, yo, one second door and he goes yeah i know and that's the thing what happened yo yo what's up girl yo go go and he goes yo one second and he goes nothing yo and he tries to pick up the girl gets her number comes back and he's like daughters man they're crazy

we always bring it up he stopped his daughter story but his daughter to go pick up two girls going into the strip club so you guys are doing music or what no i'm retired i mean that is crazy to even switch out of that scene at all you're nuts from what you know it's a young man's game a little bit too right but my trajectory was like in you know the 10 second version was i had this like pretty successful man when i was young and then i got like a tv show doing like jackass kind of style stuff so i had this I was doing this cable access show with the band and I was doing all these sketches on the internet and releasing all these funny DVDs with the band and then that TV show kind of became my whole thing and then during that I was doing stand-up and then I was just so much more focused on that and that's kind of like what became my life and then but also it's like waves right like we were

part of like this kind of punk movement that kind of came and went as well like my it's kind of like if you look at like let's say rap rock or something you know limb pick like limb biscuit like that was a moment where those bands were huge or whatever but and and they can still tour like they could still go and fill seats but like do you want to hear limb biscuits new song of course not so it's sort of to some degree it's over unless you start like if i wanted to if i would wanted to have like pivoted and made a career probably would have became a dj like that was like sort of the move at the time if you look at it i mean yeah dude it was the exact switch like think about forever it was like all these you know tattooed dudes and bands and stuff like that

and then the industry sort of switched over to hip hop. And then where did the tattooed band guys go? They all became DJ. Yo, that's a, that's a good, that's a healthy dose of self-awareness to just be like, guys, this is over and we're not going to be cool soon.

So I'm going to go do something else. I mean, I don't know. No, let's keep fucking doing it. Yeah. I don't think I said it that quick, but

we wrote that wave a little bit. It's easy. It's easy for me now to 15 years later to be like, I got out at the peak. I think, I think it was more like where GME is now is where I was getting off the truck. I think I was, I would think I was a little bit there for the downfall. Were you in on any of that nonsense? Yeah. I saw a port bit there for the downfall. Were you in on any of that nonsense? Yeah, I saw Portnoy just sold.

What a pussy. What a fucking, what a pussy. He was on CNN hours ago telling everyone I'm going to hold the line because I enjoy the memes. He's selling them to Portnoy because Chris Cuomo bullied him around the ring. Yeah. I saw him because he said he goes like, I'll sell over my dead body. I'm going to hang the losses up in my wall. How do you bail on the movement that quick for 700K?

That's fucking ashtray money to Portnoy now. What does he care? Yeah, that was interesting. Yeah, I got in a little bit early. He could have made 700 grand selling T-shirts that said go down with the ship if he just went down with the fucking ship. I think he would have had a better story, yeah. Peanuts. Peanuts, Portnoy. i couldn't believe it yeah that was i i thought that was funny too but um the whole i i think it was you that tweeted something that kind of reminded me

of something that i was thinking was like because the problem with the gamestop thing and why i didn't you know my buddy runs a site hard money and we were going to do like a collab video about it and i thought about it a lot and i couldn't i didn't really it's because it the the opinion that i kind of hold is on the side of the mob and i never really you know i really felt like pitchforky and i don't like i think it was you that tweeted that what's the guy's name that owns the basketball team uh baseball team uh steve cohen yeah yeah baseball team was it you that said like you know you guys are directing your anger at him and it wasn't his fault and so and i saw you get killed on that right like people were like you kill yourself you know what i mean like you never speak

you know and it's you know it kind of felt like the way people are with trump where it's orange man bad it just felt like started to feel like every take was just finance man bad and it's orange man bad. It just felt like, started to feel like every take was just finance man bad. And it's, even if I like kind of agree with them, it was, uh, like comedically, it's just, that wasn't funny to me. Like, you know, you're just like plowing on at that point. Yeah. That's what it felt like. So I never liked to do that. Like if I was doing standup right now, 100%, my take would be like, I'm part of the hedge fund. I'm pro.

That's funny. Right. Yeah. Just-hedge. Like, that's funnier, right? Just from a comedic standpoint, that's funnier. Right. I mean, there was a point where it was like, well, you're pumped that you found like this little loophole manipulation to make money. And then the hedge funds are going to do their thing to make their money. You can't be mad. Like, everybody's going to do what they do to make money.

Some people have an advantage. But they're not going to stop. And I also see even what they're saying that, you know, that they're like, Oh, well they're, you know, uh, there's collusion and all that stuff. And it was like, most of you were the same people that were like pro collusion of big tech. Like, what was it two weeks ago? It's like a level of like hypocrisy on these people.

And then on top of that, my friend, my friend, Danny, the guy that I do the videos with, he had like a really good point to me yesterday. Cause he's like a big trader and runs a stock site. And he was like, you know,

it may have started as like David versus Goliath, like, you know, the people versus hedge fund, but like, let's not kid ourselves. This is hedge fund versus hedge fund. Like,

you know, you, you think, who do you think is making like all the, like the real money on GME? It was like, yeah, they're fucking fun. Everybody, they don't care where it goes.

They're making money even fucking way. Right. They got us. Yeah. So, it's kind of like when the corporations appropriate the, like, you know, woke movements or whatever. It was the same thing if hedge funds were like, power to the people. They're bringing money on you. Yeah.

They love short squeezing each other absolutely the best part of that yeah was when they were like around twitter kind of like they had the pictures of occupy wall street of them taking like drinking champagne and taking pictures they're like remember how evil these people are and i was like that's objectively funny like objectively funny to toast champagne to people sleeping in a park boycotting stocks. I don't even know what they were doing. But, like, just dumping champagne out. It's fucking.

It actually, like, we mentioned Sonny earlier when Frank Reynolds likes to go around and throw fucking balloons of champagne at homeless people. And how you taste, how you like it tastes is a good life, you sack of shit. That is fucking funny, man. Right. Well, there's only two options, right? If you're if everyone's if everyone's like you're the worst person in the world, you know, and I felt this even a little like identity wise in the last four years comedically or whatever and it's like your options are one be like please please like me like no i'm one of the good ones you know or to be like yeah well whatever like go fuck yourself like yeah sure i'm the devil yeah right and and the people who do that are like they're they're on

easy street it's like okay you're canceling me like whatever and the people who do that are like, they're on easy street. It's like, okay, you're canceling me, like whatever. And the people who are like, please like me are the ones who are freaking out and issuing statements and apologies and deleting. Who cares? Even last night, this was wonderful. Last night I said some shit when there was baseball news. People were not happy. I call up John.

I was like, is this one like real bad or is this just like run-of-the-mill bad and he was like mute the conversation on twitter and it's over and i did that and it was just like yeah nobody cares it's just kevin called me i was like dude i don't even know what you're talking about i've been watching the bruins game you're like you know what i'm talking about it's the number one story that's so true dude we're so in it you think you're so freaking important when you're like getting yelled at like you think it is like it must be the focal point of the world you think i think we've like compared it's like you think it's a storm that's never gonna end yeah you can like talk to your dad and he doesn't even know what's happening he doesn't even know right what i know twitter is and he's like yeah like let alone us i remember when the comedy thing

was happening like let's say the louis ck thing i remember like being at like a family thing and being like you know obviously the thing that's happening with louis and they're like who yeah right they not only do they not know the thing They don't know who he is. And I go, the king of comedy? Right, right. Are you living under a rock? And they're like, oh, like the bald guy? And I go, yeah. And they're like, what about him?

I go, they're mad at him. The sooner you realize that, like, you're really not important, until you are, you know, Kevin Hart with like 150 million. Yes. Something like that. Until you're on that level, it doesn't matter. You really don't matter. It is, but it is still tough.

Like I, I, I, I'm better at nodding, letting it affect me. But the problem with, um, cause I would love to do that too, where you go, I'll just mute it and not look, but there is an element where there's real things that do like cancel you you know what I mean right like let's say you were doing that and people are getting mad and then they put it together a compilation of bad things you said and it started going viral like you kind of there are also like our legitimate threats don't give them any ideas brother do you see what I'm saying so it's like it's easy to be like oh just not let it's like okay but then easy to be like, oh, just not let it. It's like, okay, but then you might miss like, you know, a fight that you need to defend yourself on for eight hours too.

So it's kind of a world where it's hard to just turn it off because they are like legitimate threats sometimes. You're like, oh, you didn't realize that like Jon Stewart's been like going on a rant about how bad you are for like 10 hours. And you're like, phone's off, I'm baking. Like you might want to know but it is like if it comes to my doorstep then i deal with it until then i'm not bringing it in my house on purpose right you need a telegram that's it yes exactly i think i think a lot of it is like

it's like it's it's bullying and in the sense of bullying like when you're you know when you're younger and your parents are like like yeah if you fucking don't care then they will stop and like yeah no i don't i don't give a shit that you don't like that joke or that tweet i said and then like they can get yellow you for eight hours but if you fucking taking that for eight hours you're like look he doesn't seem to care about this at all so we'll move on to someone who we can mentally torture and truly affect that is possible yeah because they're trying to get a rise it does describe like the whole culture of just like the bullying overreaction i kind of used to say this before but it all described you know when like let's say someone came up and he was like uh like super homophobic like let's say you're with some dude that's gay and he comes up he's

like yo this f word well you know whatever i don't know what i could say in your show but i don't know if it's the legion is gay no he's saying this shit and he pushes them whatever and then you guys are like yo screw this we beat and then you like knock him out or something right and then everyone's like all right whatever and then if 10 more guys pile on and start like stomping this guy's teeth and like break his skull i you know you're like whoa like guys and everyone's like no never you know that's how it feels with these. Like they're, they have no nuance of, you know, what's the reaction that, you know, is reasonable for the, which is crazy.

I got it. I got it. I'm stupid. I should tell you I'm stupid. They lose their point. You know what I mean? It's kind of like, well, I would, I was going to be with you until we went this far with it. And now it's like, all right, well now you guys sound like a bunch of fucking assholes. You make it. Yeah. They make it difficult to be on their side. And I see that on both sides where people are like that.

You kind of agree with the morsel at first. And that, you know, it's like this girl's like, Oh, this guy, you know, like, was it creeped me at a bar? And then she was like, okay, so what I want you to do is, like, kidnap him. What the hell are you talking about? Yeah, right, right, right. Well, it's only a matter of time before you get canceled, Ryan. So make your money while you can.

This is the thing, though. They're like, oh, you guys can't be in the industry. We're going to, like, fire you from your jobs. And you're like, what jobs? I'm basically one level above unemployed as it is. So you can't really cancel that. Yeah, and you guys work for a failed GME trader. I work for a coward.

Who cares? I still have mine strictly because I don't know how to sell it. Come on, stop it. I don't know. To be fair, I haven't put in a ton of effort to figure it out, but I'm just like, ah, whatever. How did you buy it? Hold the line! Hold the line! I bought i bought it was honestly shockingly easy to buy like i felt like they should ask me some more

questions like just just a quick five questions to see what my financial like abilities are and it was just like oh you want all this fine here you can have it now and then it's all down to like four dollars or something like that like it's just it's all gone to like $4 or something like that. Like it's just, it's all gone. I don't know how to sell it. It's just, I'm going to have it forever. My brother. Who's like, uh,

he's like not into any of this stuff. He's like a gay dude, like super could not care less. You know what I mean? Gay guys hate the stock market. Yeah. He's like, how do I get a sparkle?

I just want to suck dick leave me alone but he's like yeah he's like a chick like they like to involve drag race you don't care what's going on with freaking hedge funds you know but he messaged me and he's like you hear about this game stop thing i'm gonna buy it and it's kind of like that old saying like when the shoe shine boy starts asking about stocks i literally said to my chick i go my brother just asked me about this it's going to crash in 10 seconds this is over but i still have like five grand and for me it was more just a habit to hedge against fomo you don't want to miss out it's like i'm paying a grand to be on the joke that's really yeah 100 i'm like i can gone by the way for like 500 bucks but we'll do five grand fuck it but i don't think you have to

know your amounts like i have a fairly high risk tolerance i think and i was like if i put 500 dollars in and it tripled i don't think i would have i still would have fomo yeah right five thousand was enough where i'd be like all right i got in on it yeah i love it but i'm up and now i'm back i don't know whatever it doesn't matter everything else is cooking so it doesn't matter punk rock money you've got no i'm not canadian comedy money dj money i think you dj'd a couple times i think you might have dj money too dude my my my gme i had the it is so funny because this is like how dumb we all are too but but I had a $5,000 probably I was up like to $15,000 or whatever it was. And the entire market was tanking. So I'm doing way more than 10 grand and I'm like, we're killing it.

I'm paying attention to this one stock with like everything else is like getting walloped. All right, man. So what, uh, Instagram is what Ryan long comedy. Yeah. Everything's at Ryan Long Comedy. Every Monday, I release a video at youtube.com slash Ryan Long Comedy. And my podcast, which is the first podcast just for boys, so girls aren't allowed to listen. And that is The Boys Cast with Ryan Long, all platforms and patreon.com slash The Boys Cast for extra episodes. Good shit, man. Thanks so much for the time.

Don't be a stranger. We'll talk soon. Buddy, thanks for having me on. You guys are the best, too. I appreciate it it i like what you guys are doing you're killing it thank you bro we catch you later peace guys all right big thank you to ryan long the maybe the biggest regret of my life is i got a text message that i needed to read right when he dropped the stock market joke and i and i caught back he was making a joke well right yes that's why it's really funny it's become a joke but i don't think he was joking a joke well right yes that's why it's really funny become a joke but i don't think he was joking he said it's so genuine just like you know he doesn't care about

these guys it's the realest shit ever that now will be a joke forever like that that's like the new like code word almost like you think that guy cares about the stock market yeah that guy over there the bar he cares about the star market uh but just a funny fucking dude all around who's absolutely killing it and also nick showed me a picture of him in the middle of the interview yeah that i didn't bring up because i thought it was just not him it is like punk days yeah yeah because he said he already has that like i was not surprised to find out that he did like the jackass type shit because he has that look. But Nick showed me this picture.

Holy – oh, so did you notice two things? That he was like, oh, yeah, I used to have, like, way more of a punk look. And I was like, that means something like that. You know, like, this is crazy. Because I see he's wearing a band now. I noticed the band. I thought it was a tattoo. And I was just like, that's not – like, I can see his arms. Right, right.

He did not do that. That's not I can see his arms Right he did not do that That's not his tattoo Never heard a dude Downplay his own Like success Prior success He's very like Open and cocky now

Which I like But the whole Yeah he's not in this band He's just this thing And I'm like I'm pretty sure You used to fucking Like kill it

You know Like you would not Also at a TV show Yeah yeah And by the end of it I was like Oh you're fucking Bam Margera

In fucking Canada dude And he looked just like him I was gonna say oh, you're fucking Bam Margera in fucking Canada, dude. And he looked just like him. I was going to say. I didn't because I thought he would find it insulting or something. Right. He looks just like Bam Margera. It's spot on. And probably had as much fucking money as him, too.

I was like, oh, okay. You had an entire first career. An entire first act. This is like, you know, crazy, man. So shout out to him. Go follow him, like he said, on all his platforms because he's about to be the next big thing and now we also got alan tudyk on the show mr sci-fi who's in every sci-fi show and he's in uh what do you do the voiceover for star wars does the voiceovers for star wars k2so i mean a laundry list of uh who's who type movies and TV shows from Alan Tudyk.

Hello, sir. How are we doing today? Hey, fantastic. Thank you. How are y'all? Good. Where are we right now with these flowers in the back? I am in Vancouver. Hollywood North, as they say. There you go. Yeah, see, you got a tree back there. I like the flower setup for such an orchidacious gentleman. It's kind of perfect. Hollywood North, as they say. There you go. Yeah, see, you got a tree back there.

I like the flower setup for such an orchidacious gentleman. It's kind of perfect. Orchidacious? I think that is an orchid, too. Thank you. It is an orchid. Oh, I nailed that! Hell yeah!

Hell yeah! I just dropped orchidacious and named a flower. I'm having a hell of a day. This is great, man. You coined a new word. It's going well. It's going well. So Vancouver, like he said, is kind of the Hollywood North. Is that what's going on right now?

Are you filming something and kind of on that little, I don't even know what to call it, this little town you guys are creating for Hollywood? It is. No. uh that little i don't even know what to call it this little like town you guys are creating for hollywood it is uh no i was shooting a resident alien here and my wife and i were up here for that and then when covid happened in march they shut down production all the productions in town and uh all of my fellow cast members traveled back to Los Angeles. And my wife and I were like, it's spring. Why go back to LA? And then they shut the border and we're like, why go back to LA? And then we fell in love with the city.

And then we asked ourselves, again, seriously though, why go back to LA? So we live here now. So just full-blown Canadian, huh? So you're trapped in a country that's taking COVID seriously, though, why go back to L.A.? We live here now. So just full-blown Canadian, huh? So you're trapped in a country that's taking COVID seriously, huh? That's tough. Yeah, more seriously, definitely. It's a great place. If you ever get a chance, come on up.

It's a blast. So you think you're staying there permanently? No, chill. Oh, yeah. come on up it's it's a it's a blast so you think you're staying there permanently oh yeah well my wife is canadian so i can i can get dual citizenship um definitely i i don't know i i guess i should go back to la at some point uh i will um but i haven't been there in a year that's wild wild. I don't, I feel like this time, uh, you know, so many people kind of made some bold decisions,

you know, to like get out of town or move or, you know, especially people getting out of LA there's exoduses from certain cities. But, uh, I, I think I'm kind of envious of the people who did it.

The people like yourself who just pulled the trigger and made a move like that. Yeah, it's lucky, you know, it's not a cheap city. It was lucky that we could, you know, do it. I, it does. You asked yourself the question, like, what's the, right. What's the point of it all? You know what it is? Life is so easy to just keep doing what you're doing.

You know what I mean? It's just like, well, I could move. I could do this, that I'm just going to know go to work come home go to work come home but uh it comes a time where it's like no i'm actually gonna do this shit it's like and why not why not make the move why not pull the trigger we were forced and we were all forced to stop and and uh take inventory take stock of what we got going on. And there's a park here called Stanley Park, which is, it's a temperate rainforest, which is great for orchids, by the way. Usually you get an orchid. If you get an orchid, they die and that's it. It's just a stick. And you kind of just throw it away.

But these things start re-bloom. They come back. It's, it's just a place that everything grows. The park is one third bigger than Central, and they just let it grow. And it's right out that door. So you're an outdoorsy guy, huh? You're stuck in here with us. Yeah. I'm going running later.

I'll get out there. Yeah. What's going on with the Canadian stock market up there? How's GameStop doing? Are you guys allowed to trade or what i saw something about that i don't understand stocks not much of that alan nobody does that's the game sir that's what we're learning right now is there such a thing as the canadian stock market or do I sound really dumb? I don't think there is.

I don't think so either. I think they just trade on the American stock market. You guys just trade maple syrup and shit. Yeah, there's kind of a lot of things. America's a huge influence on Canada, from what I can tell. And there's a lot of respect for america a lot of people grew up here like really looking up to america my wife who came to america she loves america and wanted to always wanted to come uh and be american um canada's badass i think this

might be a take stock moment for some people in canada who may might not be on the Canada's really got, it's obviously has its own thing, but I think it's a take stock moment for America. I think people, you know, we used to be a punchline, you know, we used to, you know, make fun of Canada. And then all of a sudden it was like, Oh, wait a minute. You guys are doing everything right. And we're doing everything wrong. Yeah.

I think as you were saying, like Canada used to look up to America. It's like athletes I used to look up to America. It's like athletes I used to look up to as a kid and then I kind of grew up and I was like, ah, he's actually a piece of shit. Never mind. That's America. I don't want to be anything like him when I grow up. That is exactly America. Nobody wants to be America when it grows up. Everybody wants to be America

when they're a kid and then they're like, wait a second. This place fucking sucks. Daddy's my hero. daddy's been drinking america's the uncle he always had fun with as a kid and then you grow up and you're like wait he was just drunk at christmas the entire time that's why he was playing with the children and toys um but we were doing some a little bit of uh a little bit of research on you here. And one of the stories that stuck out to me about you is that when you were younger, you wanted to be a stand-up comic of sorts or you wanted to entertain.

And then at a holiday inn in Jacksonville, Texas, you were threatened with violence and have never done it again. Yeah, that's right. Okay, I'm going to victim blame real quick. What did you do? I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. Man, my stuff was so not where I was. I was 18 years old.

I had done stand-up. I worked at Taco Bueno in Texas when I was 16 to 18. Loved that job. It's like better Taco Bell. Taco Bueno sounds like a made-up store in Friday Night Lights. Yeah, when you have to make up Taco Bell, but you can't use it because of rights. So we'll call it Taco Bueno. Yeah.

Really existed. It was actually really good at one point. Then they went a little too corporate there around 1989. Always. Always the way. You know, taco not so bueno um but i i did stand up at the christmas party and there was a hundred dollar reward or a hundred award um for whoever won the talent show and i won a hundred bucks and then i took that i took my act on the road when I went to college in East Texas and Jacksonville did it for a talent contest, the J.C.'s talent contest. And a manager at the Holiday Inn saw me who would manage the bar.

He was like, I need an act for my bar on Wednesday nights or whatever it was. And so he said, get two of your friends to put together stand up as well. And you do 30-minute sets apiece. 30 minutes. 30-minute sets. Not a hard five. 30. That's no joke.

People work years to craft a 30-minute set. That's no joke. Yeah. I had a 30-minute set. My first 30-minute set was really strong, and then it got watered down because it'd be like, two weeks 30 minute set my first 30 minutes that was really strong and then it sort of got watered down because it'd be like two weeks later i need another 30 minutes a new 30 minutes because it's the same people um and it was my third 30 minute set it wasn't as strong and there was a guy ray who i had met in the audience before and he was wasted he had these two girls on his

arm and he was we were cutting up he's funny and i girls on his arm and he was, we were cutting up. He's funny. And I was laughing and he was sitting right down in the, uh, in front of me. And I had this terrible bit, which is inappropriate. Now it was inappropriate then, but give us a vibe. Give us a, the framework here and outline of that bit. I'll give you the framework here, an outline of that bit. I'll give you the framework. I won't do it.

But I had a guitar. Oh, boy. And I had a thing. I was like, this song is a beautiful song. It was written by a soldier who was in Vietnam. And this song is the story of the woman he left behind. And she, and I'm like tuning the guitar, and she gives birth to their child while he has left. And so the child is not going to have a father.

And as she gives birth, she sings her love for the GI that is now gone. And then she dies in childbirth. Jesus Christ, man. And it goes something like this. And I played just the top top to get like that very quintessential Asian kind of sound. Like on a I don't know what that instrument is called. And then I'm just screaming in gibberish because I'm giving birth to a baby and screaming in some racist Vietnamese-esque language. And, you know, giving birth and yelling and dying.

It was so not the kind of comedy you would want to go find at a holiday inn i don't know where you do want to find that comedy oh come on it's time that was some good stuff in 1980 1990 1980, 1990. So, nobody laughed. Everybody was just disturbed by it. And, except for Ray, who was right there.

And I was like, Ray gets it. Come on, people. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, somebody's gotta figure out what Ray's drinking because Ray knows what he's talking's talking about. Right, Ray? Ray, you and me, buddy. And he did not like being part of the show. And he stood up with double middle fingers. And he's F-U-U-F mother effer. I'm going to kick your ass.

And he's just right there. There's no no actual stage it was just the dance floor at the holiday inn bar it was all on the same floor and i'm thinking this is when bouncers come and swoop him up and take him away and i realized there's no bouncers here it's a holiday and i was afraid for my life and And at 18, 19 years old. So I shifted. That was it. Yeah, it's okay. It's good now.

And very awkwardly changed into the rest of my material. Bailed on my new material. Went back to my old material. Got up as fast as I could. And he was still threatening me as I left, getting stuff and taking our equipment out. I had a whole nother song to do because I would do I would do comic music. I would do these songs to threaten someone breaking down their own set at the Holiday Inn is just really the lowest of the low. Like, let a guy let a guy get out of town.

I'm pretty sure everybody in there wanted Ray to kick my ass, too. That would have been a better show for them. It wasn't like anybody was on my side. They were mad at me not because it was inappropriate material and borderline racist. Inappropriate. It was because they didn't get it. They hated me for it.

They were mad that I thought they might get it. It was an insult. The script had been completely flipped. Now the crowd was like, Ray gets it. Kill him. Get him, Ray. Yeah. Oh, man.

The trials and tribulations of stand-up. I it's it's a grind out there man i i've yeah it would have been a different a different life man i did i got into uh after that school i moved to dallas for a couple years and i did uh improv i was in the improv troupe doing like sports theater sports type games and i enjoyed that much more what what what's uh what's sports improv what does that mean like how's that what does that look like oh it's like um uh it's where you go where you just have those games there you know like we're gonna do uh same scene. They all have different names. So we're going to do a scene. We're going to take a suggestion. We'll do a scene.

And then after that, we'll do it in three different styles. Give us a style. Shakespeare. Got it. I see. I see. So they're games. And they used to have a thing called theater sports where two teams,

and this was in Dallas, they were our rival. I don't think they knew that we were rivals. We considered them our rival i feel like that's how all high school rivalries work like our rivals in high school did not care about us one single bit no they're just like yeah no we don't vice versa we are on a different level here yeah so uh you know the stand-up career ends and it's born and dead in jacksonville texas and then you go on to do like, I mean, every goddamn movie I've ever seen and every cool and funny stand-up movie, sci-fi project and comedy project.

I mean, you've had quite the prolific career. I feel like you're one of those guys that's always like, oh, he popped up again. Like, oh, there he is again. So I feel like I think you made the right choice in the end. I think Ray might have pointed you in the right direction because it's been a good run. You know what?

I need to have a lot more appreciation for Ray. That's right. Thank you, Ray. Yeah. Wherever you are, you no-tooth son of a bitch. Did you go to Juilliard after the improv in Texas? Yeah, yeah. So I was in Dallas for two years yeah so i was i was in dallas for two years and i

i was doing a play and it was terrible i did the first rehearsal and it was it was awful uh it was like a it was a play about aids and jesus i had this big long you've been working with i know death during childbirth it wasn't a comedy but the the directors were like all right it's like a rap this whole monologue is like a rap and i remember so you were first on here is this people discussing oh yeah yes sir let it rip buddy because these are these are the lines of a play so these are not my words but the play was as i remember it she tastes my fuck i give her sex in lives in my lust i want and she's like push it like that like a rap and it was so bad and i did this rehearsal about an hour and a half and i went home and uh drank a bottle of wine yeah i mean

when i when i think of rap you're the first face that pops into my mind now you know yeah of course of course um my old days uh puppy rice that was me um and i drank a bottle of wine and said i need to get out of dallas i need to go to a real school in either new york or la and i asked somebody at one of the improv shows just some actor what's a good school and he said juilliard's a good school and so i hadn't i didn't know anything about it i may have heard of it, but I looked it up, called them, asked what I needed to do to audition, and then went up to New York and auditioned that year and got in. And so you didn't even, you hadn't even heard of it,

and you were like, the guy's like, yeah, one of the best schools. Like, basically, you were a guy who was like, hey, I want to do something in science. Like, do you know a good school? And they're like, Harvard. Yeah, MIT. I'll give it a shot. And then you just fucking got in but it was like that yeah but you

didn't graduate right which i feel like is a regular thing with juilliard students where like almost the more successful ones and maybe that's just like what i hear in like the books i've read like robin williams and adam sandler and stuff like that but like the exceptionally talented ones seem like they don't graduate a lot yeah it was it's known when you're going to school there there's like you know you know there's the running list of who didn't who who bolted in their third year right and how they're doing and even when i was there there were two actors who one left uh forget his name he worked for a little while and then i don't think he even acts anymore but anyway you watched him go and they started working and i just hated it there i was not

that we didn't do comedy that much uh it wasn't until my third year that we really did any comedy and i mean we had a comedy thing that i was looking forward to and nobody in my class wanted to do comedy they all want to do tragedies and shakespeare and you know that's great and all but i was i felt like i was dying and uh so i went i i did a workshop one summer and did a play called bunny bunny workshop this play about gilda radner and alan's why bell who was one of the original writers on saturday night live and it was about their relationship they became it was an almost romantic relationship, and then they became best friends. And it followed them throughout their life.

And I ended up playing everybody else in the play. Somebody played Alan Zweibel, somebody played Gilda Radner, and then I played 20-something roles around it. And that was sort of my strength. It goes back to the improv stuff. I'm doing a ton of multiple, a ton of characters. And I'd be a French white there

who shows up in these, got a hair and the, I'm trying to sell them the chair. I'm sorry, I have a hair in my mouth. And like doing just bits. And then I'd come on as this guy who's a cameraman at Chanel who lost his thumb in a lathe accident. That's where I lost his eye.

And it was just a really good showcase. And I had started doing that while I was at Juilliard. And when they did a workshop at the public theater, I was like, I'm out. I'm gone. When you first got into Juilliard, did you ever think that at some point in your life you'd be at Pirate Camp? Is that true? You went to Pirate Camp? Oh, I went to it. It was almost like a

yeah, it was like a Scarborough Fair more, but it's all Pirates. I lucked out. I lucked out with that because the guy who Richard Snell is the effects guy who was making my gold tooth for for Steve the pirate and he's questioning me about what is this role so you're a pirate why

are you a pirate I thought this was a dodgeball movie I was like yeah yeah it's a but he's this pirate and he are you making fun of pirates I'm like no no no he's this guy is representing man he loves being a pirate it's who he is and he's like cool because i'm a pirate and i don't like when people make fun of pirates he's got a ponytail and he's got jewels and he's got extra rings on you know what he's like we're actually i'm part of the rum runners that's my group my pirate crew and we've got a thing up in ohai coming up uh they make rum they make rum every year and they everybody would spice their own versions of the rum and this just sounds like an excuse to get together and get shit that sounds awesome yeah like i want to i want to go to pirate

camp yeah uh what's what are the rules you drink rum and you say that's that's that's it that's unbelievable yeah they wrestle they just get wasted and wrestle and they shoot off guns see they were like uh powder guns just no balls in them but you know i feel like growing up it was like uh when i was like a little boy it was like you know you want to be like a ninja or a cowboy or a pirate and maybe you sprinkle in like astronaut but it was always like those like the the four you know like professions if you will and i feel like i was always a pirate guy i like pirate pirates i mean they live the life when you grow up pirate yeah yeah and then we just kind of stop because you know it's kind of silly but you join up with the rum runners and you can enjoy it as an adult let's go

man they i i hope they're still together i bet i haven't even looked online i bet they're probably going strong now that the online presence is around. We shot that in 2003, 2004, 2004. So the internet wasn't what it is now. So when we've talked to people who are on sets with such – If I can just break in real quick. The latest thing, the Rum Runners did a virtual 5K. Hell yeah.

So they're out here getting their miles in and doing some running. Love it. I think I'd be out on that. They've made some changes. I don't think I'd want to go party with those guys now. That doesn't sound like fun. All right, boys, let's get a good night's sleep. My shin splints.

But on that set, we've talked to people who are in like, not really an ensemble cast, but just a cast with so many great comedic minds. They say that it's actually exhausting to be on set because everyone's always trying to one up each other. Was Dodgeball comparable to that? No, I don't think so. Good time?

It was pretty fun. It was – I remember like we – the director, Ross and Marshall Thurber. Ross and Thurber Marshall. I can never get – there's an order to it. But he wrote that script with his buddies at college. Like he just had the script and got it made. Finally, Ben Stiller, Red Hour wanted to make it. And. Oh, he was all about playing dodgeball full out. So we when we rehearsed, we rehearsed with all of these guys and all the other teams that were going to be we

were playing against and so we were just playing a ton of dodgeball for hours and hours we all threw out our arms like in three four days of doing this thing so for the entirety of the movie we were all just stunk of bengay and we're injured but it was But it was fun. I don't think there was too much. Did you get a lot of pirate stuff from fans afterwards? I could see. I feel like when Dodgeball came out, there might have been a lot of people just yelling R at you

and pirate stuff, right? Yeah, we all got. Ben Stiller bought us Vespas. Isn't that cool? After we got, after it like got number one at the box office, whatever. Yeah. Vespa showed up at my house. It said average Joe's on the side.

And I'd ride that around Venice, uh, beach and people would look at it, see average Joe's. And they'd look at me. So I had it repainted. Did you get sick of that? Was that like, all right, I get it. You don't have to do this every single time, guys.

Yeah, I got it repainted really fast. I'll get that every once in a while still, like I'll hear it in a crowd. It's cool. Well, you also have this sci-fi presence,

I feel like, both the channel and the genre. of course, with Resident Alien here. But I feel like you get in with the, let's say, quote-unquote nerds, and it can be good for business. Oh, yeah, nerds. The nerds kind of have inherited the world, though. I feel like they took over from Marvel and Star Wars and wars and every game of thrones even all that stuff really took over and it was like you can call us nerds if you want but we're running shit now so i feel like that's a good uh audience to be in with yeah it's not a thing that i don't think any nerd you know doesn't want to be called a nerd it's

it's it's a badge of honor right right um i mean look who the you know who's a nerd james gunn he made um uh the guardians of the galaxy one and two i mean he did suicide squad right that dude's a badass yeah uh joe manganello in his basement playing dungeons and dragons you know go tell him he's a dork to his face see what fucking happens to you yeah i don't know dork dork might actually get you smacked. Yeah, nerds more. Geek is on the, I don't know. There was like the geeks that used to bite the heads off chickens.

That's what a geek was. What? A carnival geek. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. A geek was somebody who they would bite the heads off of chickens, and that was the show. Okay, I'm out on geeks.

Oh, Ozzy Osbourne's a geek. Yeah, yes. Geeks. Jesus Christ. But yeah, so like resident alien is the show now. And I feel like,

uh, so what can we expect there? Some, some sci-fi alien stuff, but with a, you know, shot of humor in there. It is,

it is the doctor alien dramedy that the world needs right now. Correct. It's exactly what it is. That is. It's about an alien who crash lands on Earth. He was here to kill everyone, to destroy all humankind. But he crashes and doesn't get a chance to set off the bomb that he was bringing. And he takes on this identity of this man that he kind of kills.

Named it. He is a killer. So he kills a guy, not totally his fault, but yeah, he kills him, and takes on his identity, this guy named Harry Vanderspiegel. And it's in a small town in Colorado. And the sheriff comes out one day and says, hey, you're Harry Vanderspiegel. We know you live out here. You're a doctor, right? He's like, yes. And he says, well, we need you in town. There's been a murder. We need you to do an autopsy. He's like, use your own town doctor. And he goes, well, that's who was

murdered. So he gets pulled into this murder mystery and he becomes the town doctor and he's just trying to get by and not get caught while he's spending his off time looking for the device because he still has to destroy all of humanity now i saw i think i saw a video of you kind of in the makeup chair because you wear a lot of makeup oh yeah on this and it reminded me that recently pete davidson has decided to cover all his tattoos because it takes up too much time in the makeup chair to cover them for for roles have you considered maybe just permanently getting the alien face just become an alien easier for business yeah if covid lasts another year uh i'll just do do some way to make that work that into, because it is a mask.

It'll, I'll just have it affixed permanently to my head. Do you believe in aliens? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Elon Musk is an alien, man. I think he's a total alien. Look at him. He's not even trying to hide it.

No. He named his kid what? A-E-X-12, I believe. Like, you're throwing out numbers on a name. Exclamation mark. Right. Like, all this talk about getting to Mars, he's like, I just gotta get home. He probably crash-landed, didn't have, you know, some Marty McFly shit, like, we don't

have the power to get me back home, and I gotta hang out here until we figure it out. He's just trying to get back to his own neighborhood. Yeah. What you building elon a rocket why to go home his wife's name is grimes yeah they're like yeah they are the alien couple like they're not even you know they're not hiding it's like guys we're not yeah look at us we're fucking aliens how do you not know it it's crazy. I think Zuckerberg is not an alien, but he's a robot built by aliens. Have you seen how the side-by-side with Sonny from iRobot, you, and Zuckerberg, the same exact facial features.

It's insane. You guys. Really? It's crazy, Alan. It's crazy. That is rude. Not the best when you're like hey you know you look like zuckerberg you remember that time you were playing a robot you look like zuckerberg let's see if i can find it oh shoot uh i also read that you play

or played um magic the gathering kevin's a big Magic guy. I was, at least. Do you still dabble? No, no, no. I played it for a thing. I was taught it for a gaming thing and won accidentally, but I had help. Anyway, that's the true one and done.

I, that's some real deep nerd stuff because like I said, a lot of the other stuff made it to the mainstream and you can't really call it nerdy anymore. But if you're still down with magic, the gathering, man, there was this card,

the black Lotus Allen. I almost bought the black Lotus when I was in like fourth grade, I was going to spend like all my birthday money on it. It was gonna be a couple hundred dollars and I didn't pull the trigger and it's worth like 250 000 today some really yeah it's like huge i mean you know it would have to be perfect condition and i would have had to you know take it seriously i'm sure i would have like lost it along the way but i had no idea oh yeah you can make you can make big money on some of those rare cards for sure. I gave away so many cards. I was given all this stuff.

I did the game, and they gave me all these rare packages. Oh, you son of a bitch. You probably gave away, like, millions of dollars. I auctioned them off at a charity thing. Oh, at least it was good cards. There was one guy who, like, everybody was like, I don't know. Nobody really was interested in it and one guy was just like bidding on all of them and you know i know what those are it was mark

zuckerberg now he runs facebook that's unbelievable wow all right well uh we appreciate the time so resident alien is the uh the the show premiered last night on sci-Fi Network. So go get it. Like you said, it's the alien doctor dramedy the world needs today. So go enjoy it. And thanks so much for the time. We appreciate it. Thank you. Cheers, guys. Thank you.

Take care. I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life. It's only like this is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. To my life.

To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life Uh-huh To my life Yeah To my life Uh-huh Yeah Uh-huh Yeah Uh-huh Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah