KFC Radio - Sam Morril, Josh Potter, and The Great Pornhub Purge of 2020

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Subscribe, rate, and leave a review! -How did people survive in the past? -The God Damn Sweats -Dave's donating half a million to restaurants -Pornhub purged over 10 Million videos -Top 5 Sites you went to before pornhub -Voicemails (01:31:30) Sam Morril returns to the show. We discuss the making of his new special on youtube Up on the Roof, our favorite jokes from the special, surrounding yourself with funny people, and more. Catch his special here: https://youtu.be/M0qDTYmaT-Y (02:15:00) Josh Potter joins the show. He tells us about the Make Josh C*m movement that Tom Segura started, how he teamed up with YMH Productions, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @SamMorril @J_PotterYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I'm just gonna say this. Like... Are you recording? If we lived in olden times. Mm-hmm. Like, my girlfriend would be worthless.

This is the greatest show. This is the greatest show. We woke up now. And the sun didn't set much at all. What did it come through? I'm thinking of you. Okay. I'm going to clarify that, obviously. Like, she's just so incredibly blind. I put on her glasses for the first time ever yesterday. And I just couldn't see.

I couldn't do anything. My brother's just, like, legally blind. What would would happen to people what do they do with people they were just like you're i think you would just die i think i think if you were born with bad eyesight you tried to like you know scramble your way through life until like a fucking bear ate you one day because you didn't see it coming or something it's it like i don't know you leave a room they just put you in a in a room and like you just stay here until you die it's like it was just leave you on the side of a mountain until you're dead. And because I have, I wouldn't say great vision.

I actually don't. I'm probably 20-20. I was like. The only thing going for me is my vision. Right? I can't see things that are very far away, but I think that's pretty normal. It doesn't sound like you have great vision then, John. If something's very far away, I can't.

Define very far. Okay. We should do a vision test. Like I can read Pete Alonzo's jersey. What's far? I don't know. That doesn't impress me. I can read everything in this room. I'm talking like yards. Can you pull up on that TV?

Can we maybe do a vision test? We'll see if we can do the bottom row. But anyway, I've never even worn glasses. I put hers on. This is how you see? row but anyway i've never even like worn glasses yeah i put hers on and i've never had to see and you know what those motherfuckers go through people who have bad eyesight ugh i'd kill myself why should they go through man i mean yeah like like the the test they go i feel like they also

have to get that puff of of air into their eyeballs for tests for like glaucoma or something and they've got to do all sorts of tests they got've got to put the saline in. You've got to put your fingers in your eyeballs. It's all fucking production. The contacts is – anyone who wears contacts is crazy. Have you ever – I very rarely will put eye drops in. Never. If I put eye drops in, you should see me put eye drops in because, you know, these people are supposed to –

they hold it open, and you just drop it in, right? If I do it, I'm just like – I just give myself a facial with saline. And so some of it, just some of it hopefully gets in my eyeball. It's all like streaming down my cheeks and like none of it's actually even in my eyeballs. But yeah, I mean, if every day I had to sit there and pick up a little. I just wear glasses. I would not wear, I would not do that. I think at least maybe, I think sometimes you get headaches from your head, from your eyeglasses or something.

But I would. First of all, eyeglasses, casts, braces. They're cool. You know, when you don't have them and then you want them. So I would just rock eyeglasses all the time. Cast is also a thing I thought about. Like, if you broke your leg back in the day, you're fucking dead. They just let you.

Or I think, you know, your bone heals like totally crooked. And then you just like hobble around the rest of your life right and you make up things like well this is how it gets when it's cold out yeah i get a limp when it's cold this is for masturbation you know teach the kids never to do anything yeah that that's i mean back in the day and and all like very very relatively recently i think about these things man these things blow my mind i get a little high at night and i think of like like you know the famous like like the guys like da vinci i think would like steal bodies from the morgues and like take them apart and like learn their anatomy and shit really oh yeah oh i didn't know this and like that's how like doctors would like figure shit out you know they're like looking through the layers of the

fucking you know here's the skin looking through the layers of the fucking, you know, here's the skin, here's the muscle, here's the bones, whatever. To the point that you could like study it and learn it and know it. Now it's like one thing you go to medical school,

you read all the books, all that shit. But the first doctors who were like, all right, there's some sort of like growth in your body and I'm going to open it up and cut it out and save you. Like what? like a cancerous tumor yeah yeah or you know uh the first guy who was like we can you know attack like we can even

like lasik like some guy modern times like we're gonna get in there with a laser beam and we're gonna fucking like i don't know do whatever they do and you're gonna see again or you know the first guy was like any sense you, you tore a little ACL. We're going to go in there and stitch it up. You'll be able to run again. Like things like that that are just like, I can't do, I can't fix or do anything. I got a light bulb that goes out. I'm fucked.

And you guys can fix a body. If my light bulb goes out, I move house. That's what happens. Gone. Done. You know, if I clip my fingernails, I'm like, ah, clipped it too short. I'm done. I'm out of commission.

Amputate it. All right. How low can you go on that? On that? Yeah. Not very low. All right. Let's see.

I guess I won't look and then he'll do it. You go as low as you can and then I'll – Okay. I'll – right? Or should I leave the room alright so it's you gotta be the judge here and see how far you can go

alright let's start at 5 start at 5 P-E-C-F-D ok 6 E-D-F-C-Z-F no no? oh P at the end Okay. Six. E-D-F-C-Z-F. No. No?

No. Oh, P. P at the end. Okay. F-E-L-O-P-S. Nope. Z-D. Yeah. Now we're in a tough spot.

D. I'm pretty sure you're only like half the distance and it's double the size of what it normally is. What do you mean I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be printed out on like a computer piece of paper stuck to the wall and you're supposed to be like 15 feet away get out of town I'm supposed to be able to read all this

I think they say down to 8 anything ok well I can kind of get to 8 D E F I feel like you said get out of town. Does that mean you lost? No. P-0-T-D-C.

This literally hurts my head, by the way. No. You got one wrong in that last row. One wrong? Yeah. Okay, one wrong is pretty good. You got through the whole thing? I got to eight.

Eight is where you need to get to. Let's do nine, though, for fun. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Let me just see if I can. All right. So E-F-P-T-O-Z-L-P-E-D-P-E-C-F-D-E-D-F-C-Z-P-F-E-L.

Oh, wait. You're on line seven now, right? Right. Right. Yeah. F-E-L-O-P-Z-D. Yep. D-E-F-Z-O-T-Z-C?

F-G? How many did he get wrong? You got two wrong in that one. Yeah, two wrong. I got one. What is it? D-E-F-G. D-E-F. By the way, I'm a little bit further.

I knew that. I wasn't going to bring it up. It probably would make a difference. What I was saying to John, this is probably double the size it's normally supposed to be, and you guys are about half the distance you're normally supposed to be. I think it's like 15 feet. That's definitely not double the size. On a computer sheet of paper, it's also illuminated.

I don't think it's usually a computer sheet of paper. I think it's usually a big chart. I think that's actually smaller than usual. I don't know it's usually a computer sheet of paper. I think it's usually a big chart. I think that's actually smaller than usual. I don't know. I need glasses. I'm with you. Because I usually get to the end. Yeah, the end is...

Well, I also haven't done this in 20 years, but I usually get to the very bottom. I have been at a doctor where they're like, okay, that's the chart. You've done the chart. You finished it? Yeah. But, I mean, again, that was probably it.

I haven't done my test in so long. Yeah. So, I mean, I guess we're not fighter pilots anymore. No, unfortunately not. That is a weird thing that I, probably because I knew I had good eyesight, I would always be like, I got great vision i would like pride myself because it's like you can't really like you're very rarely gonna have to prove it and and if you did you usually like when people say they're blind they're like really blind like usually people couldn't read the alonzo on that you know i'm

like you're fucking you would die in the old days you're worthless you're worthless you are worthless you no one say i use that word please by the Yeah, but like back in the day, man, all that shit. Let's just say it is. What a blind person. Your girlfriend is blind, and she's like five feet tall and 90 pounds. She would be dead in the heartbeat. She would be killed immediately, if not by wild animals and the other tribe, but her own tribe.

They'd be like, I don't know, let's just eat this one. She can't lift heavy things. She can't farm the land. She just weighs us down. Kill the weakest link. Goodbye. Just get this bitch off. We'll all just eat her for dinner.

I was like, how do people like you operate at any point in history before Benjamin Franklin? It doesn't make sense to me how – And there's a lot of them. I feel like most people can't see. Right. It's more rare than not to have no eyesight. That's why we're so overpopulated. Because we can all see?

Because glasses weren't meant to. Yeah, everyone – there's no thinning of the herd. Yeah. If the world just existed as it used to, maybe that's what most of the people would die. Maybe that's what COVID is. Maybe COVID's like, we got to correct the course for the fucking eyesight.

Do you have glasses? No, I need them. You need them. I was going to say, that's the other thing, is that there are people who don't have them who are just like, well, I'm walking around,

like, I need them and I'm lazy. I would guess, obviously a very clear guess i would guess like 80 of the people have some kind of vision correction i would say it's probably more like well yeah i mean i guess whatever you like if you need some sort of anything you like glasses to read or right pop anything on because you could also have like kind of kind of bad vision and just like live through it but if you if you have issue, I bet it's like 50-50 where it's an issue I would need to fix,

like I have to address, or I can't read the book, or read the sign, or whatever. Imagine if just half the people weren't here anymore, or half the people couldn't go in public. Thanos snap, and all the blindos are gone.

Everybody was just looking out of the bottom with their glasses, their bifocals. You're fucking dead. My brother, he would not be able to drive. He would be legally not allowed to drive. He'd be not allowed to do a lot of things. He's lucky he can have a kid, because as we know,

blind people can't raise children. But, I mean, we don't have to get into that. But I still stand by that firmly. Two blind parents cannot raise a toddler, a little baby by themselves,

like a newborn where it's like, I don't know, it would crawl off the fucking end of the, off a balcony because nobody could see it. It's a fair point. It's just, it's a fair point. You know,

you can't see if your baby's like playing with a knife. You can't see if your baby's going to touch the fire. I don't know. You fucking blind people. It's all I've got. So I latched onto it. I don't think i have good hearing i think i have awful hearing yeah i regularly just say but like i know i know we we say we can't hear things in bars and shit like that right but like you know have you ever done like the headphones it's like uh again again 20 years ago right i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure I have a vision of them being like,

no, no, no, you raise your hand when the sound goes on. And I was like, I know. Did the sound go on? They were like, yeah, we've been doing it the whole time. And I was like, oh, fuck. But I'm pretty sure Clem got his ears professionally cleaned when they dig out fucking buried treasure in your ears. And he was like, I can hear things now.

He didn't realize how much. Really? He said it was like a change in his life where it was like, oh, oh, my God. I didn't realize I was walking around with like my fucking ears plugged the whole time because I need to get that. And that's probably what people do with their. See, I am. I think I, I get I am always digging my ears out but i feel like some of these sometimes these things in your brain every day and you do q-tips not not

every day but like yes so what you gotta get i get i have these fucking tools i have like a little fucking thing that you open up and it's got these like metal things because the q-tip does just kind of push it in yes this shit you can kind of get like behind and under no too gross see that too gross guess what's gross the inside of your fucking ears right i know for sure like every time i use it in there it's disgustingly dirty yeah they're so dirty i i hide them yeah you're embarrassed from my girl it's like wrapping up a tampon it's exactly what i do i get toilet paper when it gets that dark dark yeah i'm like this is like it looks like shit.

But I'm like, I did this yesterday. I know. You got wax years, bro. Some people just have it. Some people just, you know. It doesn't make any sense. I'm going to get you my fucking thing. One of them, one of them is like a spiral.

And so you like twist it and it just pulls it out. I'm going to kill myself with this. Oh, yeah, I do. Sometimes I touch my brain and I'm like, oh. I'm going to go too far. Sometimes I hit my brain and it like sends a zap touch my brain and I'm like, I'm gonna go too far. I hit my brain. It like sends a zap down this arm. I'm like, whoa, it's it's a sexual experience.

So I think I'm clean. But you know, if you're if you're one of these people that's got it like deep in your brain, who fucking knows? I have it very deep in my brain. For the record, it is we're starting this episode of four o'clock. So like we are going to be you know know rock and

fucking roll today it's brought to you by roman which is perfect because we're going to be talking about our dicks and porn and all that shit and if you want if you want your dick to be big and you want it to be big longer roman's got the speaking of speaking Speaking of this on topic with our whole conversation, think about for the 99.9999999999% of humanity. It's like if your dick doesn't work, you're shit out of luck. And if your dick comes too soon, you're shit out of luck. Yeah, that's true. And then along comes Roman, and if your hair falls out, you're shit out of luck. And then Roman's like, pow, pow, pow.

We got all three of those things for you. You're going to have a full head of hair which means people are gonna want your dick again which you're gonna be able to get harder and you're gonna be able to use it longer now I mean talk about a three step program to just getting people laid again that sounds like a Harry Potter magic spell yeah like these are things

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It's affordable. You open it up, you rub it on your dick. You go a little bit numb. You can fuck for longer, teach your dick how to last longer, and you don't have to worry about a prescription or your doctor or anything. So that to me is the easiest and best option. But they've got it all for you. So whether you want the the prescriptions or not prescriptions, all of it is clinically proven to work and be effective and be safe so that you'll last longer in bed.

Go to get Roman dot com slash KFC for your first month of swipes for just five bucks when you choose a monthly plan. That's get Roman dot com slash KFC for your first month of swipes for just five bucks when you choose a monthly plan. That's GetRoman dot com slash KFC. While we were talking about dicks, last week I asked the question about... Honestly, this could be three topics. What? Like, just whatever you're... Where I'm about to go? I don't know where you're about to go. Yeah, but you have three in mind?

Well, it's just like the things we discussed beforehand. Oh, right, right. I know, the fucking intro of the show. Yeah, this could be a bunch of things. Well, last week I asked Nick about, you know, would you film our porn? Right, right. And it just, you know, like it got me thinking like you'd have to change your whole way that you look at us and the whole way you view us and what nick looks at now when he's filming and we put out the goddamn jets this week

my cock is just out it's just fucking out and i didn't know that and i don't think nick knew that i don't know had no idea yeah like i don't i don't think nick knew that I don't know I don't think Nick is looking for that he's framing me and looking at lighting and probably my face and we're holding the t-shirt and all that and I don't think he's like alright let me check his dick

oh nope his cock's out we can't do that I'm just wearing like a pair thank god I was black if it was grey it would have looked like I was fucking trying to put on a show just dick out you know you can see we both had a dick out sunday in the chicks in the office picture dick out sunday might be a new a new thing like you guys want to have a dick out sunday hashtag dos let's go in the picture we took for like you know you can just see my dick on on on where can i find like the chick the chicks in the office account yeah on twitter or and maybe it's just i just maybe i i i had a few mentions of it but i mean well

that's the thing i got like a couple where it's like more in my own head probably oh yeah well the thing is you're wearing plaid and it gets like distorted like you can see the bump if you weren't wearing plaid you wouldn't be able to tell that but that almost looks like a photoshop where you see like somebody bent it you know what i mean yeah that's just a that's just a dick that's distorting some plaid yeah let me i mean my my my tweets my comments were not it was nothing you know i'm not saying that people were like wow but there was definitely like a few people being like anybody else looking at kfc's cock or what um yeah anyone Anyone else looking at KFC's junk in those sweatpants or is everyone else normal? What is KFC's pulling a Greg Norman on us?

Is that a dick reference? Oh, yeah. Greg Norman. It just happened. Yeah. He just had. That was another comment. Like he was just.

I had a feeling. I was like, that's probably not my dick. I mean, getting Greg Norman is pretty good because Greg Norman. Oh, okay. Okay. I like that. I wasn't sure, you know, if it's like a tiny because Greg Norman. Oh, okay. Okay. I like that. I wasn't sure, you know, if it's like a tiny dick. No.

Oh, yeah. I'll take that. You're comparing me to that? If you're comparing me to that, let's fucking go. That's a long piece. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to be reasonable here and say it does not look like that. But if you're even, you know, remotely comparing it to me uh i will i will certainly take that uh a couple girls

hey i'm liking the sweatpants uh you know nice cock bro i mean you know that was just my dick i got a couple dms being like nice like dm was just like okay your dick is out i was like fuck you're right it it is you can just see my penis. But I, you know, I mean, I don't, it's not why Nick gets paid. He's not thinking to do that. If he was filming our porn, he probably would. Yes, he would have to. So, I mean, maybe from now on. It would be an important piece of the porn.

Sundays. Yeah, the most. The most important piece. Sundays, you know, I'm going to come to the office for goddamn jets. I'm going to always be wearing sweatpants on a Sunday. And you're going to have to do a dick check. Nick's going to have to be like, put that thing away. Or I don't know. maybe we fluff it up.

Maybe that's the theme here. Goddamn jet sweats, let's go. Goddamn sweats. That's not a bad idea with like a crashing plane right across your junk. And I'll be in the background helicoptering it up. I mean, you know, it was one of those things. It's like, oh, no. It wasn't people being like, oh, look at your extremely tiny pecker.

It was just like, you know, I can see your dick. It's like, you know, 20-20 vision. Those people probably have bad vision. They can still see my dick. So, you know, without even contacts or anything, cock out. So you're welcome, folks. You're welcome. Yeah, I bet you got a lot of nice comments there, Maybe a couple of DMs, maybe a couple of ladies saying hi. I also, I'm in the Cameo world.

And that seems to kind of come in waves for whatever reason. Sometimes I'll just get a bunch. Did you know Kevin Malone? Brian Bumgarner? $1 million next year. $1 million. Yeah. I mean, I always kind of struggle with cameo because i'm like when i when i when i it's cameos like only fans for people who don't want to fuck

right that's true and the way you grow it is by putting it on your regular social media by saying go book me on cameo over here and i do that sparingly because it's you know it's like uh the the internet form of begging panhandling and anytime i do it i immediately get flooded with like comments people like oh child support's hitting you hard i'm like yes it is exactly that's not a joke that's just correct i need the money so um so i'm always kind of you know trying to figure out the balance between how do i promote it and should i promote it and uh you know i want to fly under the radar but i want to make money if i hear that like and i'm not obviously a a cult hero like

kevin malone brian bum gunner is but like if you mean to tell me that if you go balls to the wall and like put it out there you can make that kind of millions of dollars like then maybe maybe barstool ends up being my side gig let Let's go fucking cameo. Like, I know Biz does it, but Biz is Biz, you know? Biz is, like, basically a fucking celebrity and already comes from – and he just has the built-in – he said that he gets one set of, like, yo, I got a men's league game tonight, or we got a draft, or we got a championship game, or just, like, the hockey, busting balls in general, like, talk about your wrench, you know,

shit like that, where there's really no, nothing like a hook like that for me. But a million dollars is fucking I mean, good for him. A million dollars? And that's not counting his royalties on The Office. When you're very much

side gig from The Office is going to get you a million? Let me see what he charges brian i bet spot i bet spotify pay i mean because he has the office podcast which i'm sure he gets a bump i i bet brian bongarda makes over five million dollars a year from the office from from the you know yeah like that is so he charges 199.99 so i don't know if that was um how how long when you make a cameo how long do a video of a video do you do like i go in i give people i give people what they want i'll give them like two

three minutes dude okay so i've only ever bought one cameo and i bought it for my dad um i got john hannah uh who's that patriots offensive lineman like probably like the first great patriots player okay and uh he's the man he's legend and it was one of the best videos of all time like he has an eye patch and he goes on for eight minutes yeah well that i'm okay so that that's it that's that's extreme yeah it was that's really it was so extreme that i couldn't figure out how to send it to my dad yeah it's too long you can't text you can't text you an email i don't know how to get you this dad i gotta drop box you well like i it says things like um you know like just take 30 seconds and like get them get them their video like a little notification i'm like i don't want to do that you know what i mean like so i i'm like if you're gonna pay

that's the other thing too is like our whole thing is like where you have access to us you know what i mean but to do like a customized thing, whatever, throw me a few bucks. Uh, but so Brian Baumgartner charges $200. So, and then you got to do cameo gets their cut. Apple gets their cuts.

You kind of get like 50% taken off. Oh, I didn't know Apple got a cut. Apple was an app. So Apple gets their 30% of everything. So you're basically getting like 50%. I don't think I knew that. I don't think I knew how apps worked. Yeah, like ATI, 30%. I think it's 30%.

Really? Right off the top, yeah. Oh my. Apple must be really doing well. That's why, I mean, dude, think about Apple does not put any effort into the podcast. That's the biggest thing in the world, and they're just like,

yeah, we have a podcast app you know they don't make it better they don't do anything like spotify's come in with recommended and playlists and then apple's like whatever yeah listen to it don't listen to it we're gonna make thousand dollar headphones we don't care you know but so don't give a shit if he's doing a million i'd imagine it's not like after after the cut you know so it's probably a million dollars like gross but so that's uh 5 000 videos that's a lot of videos yeah so if you do you know 5 000 what's right 1 million divided by 200 it's 5 000 let's say divided by 365, you're doing 14 videos a day. Oh, that's not bad. It's not bad, but if you're doing

three, four minutes, it actually does add up when... No, no. What am I talking about? 13 videos in a day to get a million dollars? No, I'll do 130 in a day. I'll just bang them out but uh but anyway if you want to book me on cameo kfc barstool on cameo i'll make you like a little one minute man or i'll berate you or whatever i got like i did go off the rails on one uh this there was this

this group that booked one they had a male they had a husband and wives fantasy league and they were like the playoffs are set here's the winner's bracket here's the loser's bracket can you roast these people and i'm just i'm thinking and here i am projecting and coming in with my like toxic mind i'm like this is a disaster i'm like it's probably like a fun thing that these couples do you know and i'm thinking about like husbands and wives fighting and couples bickering and i'm like what you know suzy suzy and fucking steve are like you know breaking the rules with a waiver wire.

And all of a sudden they get cut out of game night and I'm like going on and on. I'm like, you think I'm like, do you guys swing at all? Is anybody fucking mixing it up at night? I was like, I gotta go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They just wanted like, hey, you're in the playoffs. Hey, you're not in the playoffs.

I mean, do you guys fuck each other? So I don't know. I try to go. I try to go hard, but maybe I'm a little too hard. But you'll get your money's worth. That's a promise. One guy actually did. He gave me three stars.

And so Cameo went. They bestowed it upon themselves to describe what that meant. It said, like, Steve gave you three stars. And it said, like, it was a fine Cameo. It was not the best. It was not the worst. I was like, all right, Steve. i was like all right well i was like okay steve don't give me the crack at it but give me a little more information to work with maybe i

didn't have much to paint it was a fine cameo it was not the best yeah it was not the worst like what is this fucking i'd rather be the worst it was the best of days it's the worst of days yeah i don't want to be the best fuck you but. But book me on Cameo, please. All right. We got Sam Morell on the show today. Unbelievable comedian who I said on radio. I think he is the best joke writer today. A lot. Yes. Like joke writer and deliverer, delivery man.

When it comes to just punch lines and setups and like the crafting of a joke. I think he is the best on the planet. So he's on the show today talking about his new special. And he has a joke and an analogy that i think is maybe the best like i've ever heard it well i mean i texted to you the moment i heard i was like kevin's gotta hear this as far as accuracy like the right the right analogy the metaphor the delivery and the punchline i think it's the best joke i've ever heard uh so we got that we have another interview josh and josh potter on the show, who is out of your mom's house camp, working with Segura and Christina P. and Bert Kreischer,

who we also learned Christina P. Push is the only other person in the world who showers like Final Burn. Christina, get at me. I mean, there are two of us alive. That put clothes on while soaking wet. It's almost weird. Like, it makes sense in our world. And actually, I guess it makes sense for both of our worlds.

Because your mom's house and KFC Radio are very similar in the sense of, like, we're just fucking weird. All cards on the table. Your mom's house is like a whole enterprise. But, you know, we do a lot of weird shit on both shows. So it makes sense that those would be the two people who the internet knows they're drying off policies. You know? It's like, we should not know that about anybody. We know it about you and Christina P.

Me and Christina. You guys put your clothes on while soaking wet? What the fuck? Soaking is harsh. I put it on moist. God. Almost worse. Like, I could see, like, you get out of the shower and you're in a rush and you just put it on and you're just like oh whatever I'm wet

but to be like I could continue to dry off but I'm not going to I'm just going to put it on like I'm a wet mop you know what the stupidest thing is too putting your clothes on while wet

is that now that I know people know I almost get dressed wetter yeah like I don't even you are the contrarian you really are it's like fuck you

I'm going to you're going to be in this you know what you're going to do you're going to be showering and clothes on one day it's not like I'm not even going to put the camera in my bathroom. But I'm just like. You got to stay true to yourself.

Yeah. I'm like, all right. Like, you know what? That might have been. I might have got myself a little too dry here. I'm going to jump back in the shower. Don't get dressed. You are a spectacular idiot.

You are as dumb as they get. It's going to be a fun one next week or this week. A couple days. No, tomorrow. Shit. Tomorrow. Right? Yeah.

Tomorrow. KC Radio presents a very barstool christmas live show tomorrow eight o'clock uh chris chris di stefano are you garbage coming through uh an appearance from nick and kb we'll have some videos from your favorite barstool personalities uh we'll be chopping it up at the casa de fights yeah this worthless girlfriend maybe in the background uh so come celebrate christmas with us because we're you know after that like next week we have a short week and then we're gone for the for the new year so we had a nice little break so get it in with us i can't fucking wait for break yeah i mean need it need it it's needed they're like like part of me since this quarantine

started like when they see you know they see like the unemployment numbers and people losing their jobs. And I'm sometimes just like, I am jealous of that. It actually took me a minute. If you can run back the tape, I just kind of stare at you for a second. Like, Oh,

I would just, the grass is always greener. You fucking unemployed idiots. It's fun. You should love the fact that you don't have any income. I just need a vacation. Well, honestly speaking. I was supposed to take a vacation nine months ago.

I know. You were ready to take it up. I've still paid for it. I just can't go. I mean, I've been planning on taking a trip for five years. The grass is always greener. If you think that having a job right now is a good thing. That's another.

You got free twelve hundred dollars from the government nine months ago. Like you're sitting pretty. I did do. Speaking of cameo, I did do one. This girl was like, I just got dumped, like actually like six years via text. I'm alone on Christmas for the first time in a long time and I was like that sounds great what are you complaining about

you got nothing to worry about you can do whatever you want but yeah the fact that actually let's we'll get into it it's brought to you by Viore Viore means mountain did you know that in what language John Italian no Russian Russian no it's Italian it's gotta be Italian Viore means mountain. Did you know that? In what language, John? Italian. No, Russian.

Russian? No, it's Italian. Oh, okay. I mean, it's got to be. It's got to fucking be Italian. Viore, V-U-O-R-I dot com. It means mountain, but to us, it means, it represents the view from the summit. The expansive clarity it can provide.

And the awe-inspiring experience it can bring. What do you think we're talking about here? Because we're talking about sweatpants. We're talking about sweatpants. I love that. I knew the answer. The fact that these people take their sweatpants and their sweatshirts that fucking serious. The view.

The summit. Of all clothes, sweatpants and sweatshirts should be the ones taken most seriously. Because that's also where fancy clothes, it's like you're wearing this for the look, and you're going to have to sacrifice. There should be no sacrifice with the sweats. Make them comfortable, but make them look good. Make them functional, but make them perfect them. And that's what people like you already have done. They get get to the top they've got to the summit and uh they got a new perspective on the performance apparel where you used to you know gym gear is like you put on gym clothes it's like all right

you're a fucking meathead like you're going to the gym you know not anymore now uh it has been a very nice change oh it's great man it's like you're not it's not like here's your tank top and your fucking like belichick cut off sweatshirt you know now it's like you got this this athleisure wear and it's loungewear it's going out clothes it's gym clothes it's everything you can use it for pretty much any activity from running errands to uh yoga and training to just hanging out on the couch versatile comfortable looks great and uh you can get it right now for 20% off when you go to Viori.com, V-U-O-R-I, V-U-O-R-I.com, slash KFC. Get 20% off your first purchase and enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders

over $75, also free returns. That's Viori.com, slash KFC. Discover the versatility of Viori clothing. How about the move from Portnoy 500k oh forgot about that that is because you said you know the government gave you a little 1200 stimulus check and that was nine months ago and like nothing else has happened and they're just shutting shit down again and i don't know it was 1218 whatever it was 12 yeah. And I don't know. It was 1218. Whatever it was. I think it was 12. Yeah. But like, I don't know the answer.

I've been somewhere in the middle this whole time. And, you know, I know people don't like that, but it's like, I always have been like, I don't want people to die, but I also understand you can't kill livelihoods. And I don't know what the answer is, but I do know. It's gone on long enough now

that you can't have only done one thing one time to help people out. Dude, I think every other country in the world has done way more multiple times. I think they get like $3,000 a month. It's crazy. And I don't get like how can they can't just be like you don't have to pay rent and the fucking landlords don't have to pay this bill and just like kick it off the chain until we just freeze it for a fucking month and like let some things you know get let the vaccine get out there i don't know but the fact that we just haven't done anything but and but a guy like fucking dave portnoy is doing more like i mean and you know what this is by the way this is the 2020 version of the purple starfish shorts

he got like bullied into this did he well not it, but a way richer dude was like, I'll put up 500K. Will you? And it's like, well, you have to. That's him getting to the register being like, these are $100. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. Fuck, I have to do it anyway. When you said shorts, I thought Purple Starfish jerseys.

No, no, no. The pitties. No, this is when Dave, the original Purple Starfish. But much like the Purple Starfish shorts, it is a mistake and something you're bullied into that will be very beneficial for you in the long run. Absolutely. It's the right move. Yeah. But in the moment, he's like, you know, too much pride to just be like, okay, I'm going to put down the $100 pair of shorts and just buy.

I think they're $200. Yeah, it was like a $200 pair of swimming trunks that he could have just put back, but he didn't want to look like – Bill Bickrium, I believe. Really? Yeah, that's some clean living, to quote our guys from R.U. Garbage. And so he gets bullied into buying it. He couldn't come out on Twitter and be like, all right, well, I'll do like $100,000 because I'm not as rich as you. By the way, how rich is that guy?

I mean Dave's like rich, rich now. There aren't many people who have more than him, right? At least net worth type shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Dave throws out half a mil. It's a lot. It's a lot of cash. I don't know.

What is that? What is it? How do people get this? I had bar owners hitting me up. I'm like, I don't fucking know, dude. This is now in a million dollar trust from rich guys. I can't fucking. I don't know., dude. Like this is now in like a million dollar trust from rich guys. I can't. Well,

I think that was Dave's stipulation was like, you handle it. Like exactly. My, my stipulation, whatever you do, I'll, I'll pay for it.

Right. You do. That's what I bring to the table. I can write the check. I can write the fucking, I can sign the name at the bottom. You got to do all the work. I think my dad's phrase,

and I don't know if it was original. It's original to me. Cause when I was told as a child, uh, was always, I buy, you fly. There you go. You're going to do it. You're going to pick it up.

You're going to get it. I'll pay for it. But you're doing everything that needs work. Which to me is an admirable, like there's value in both sides of it. Yeah. You know? If you're a do-it-yourself guy or the hands-on guy, fine, but also I make it happen. So, you know?

You want pizza for dinner? Fine. I'll pay for it. Go fucking pick it up. It's like the producer host thing you know what i mean right right like you're gonna have to do the grunt work but we do this and without you i i couldn't do it without me you couldn't do it like we both pull up our ends we both pull our weight in here uh but 500k from from portnoy who is just uh and i do i mean i mean this like i don't remember where i don't remember where you stood but like uh dave's gonna be the president dave's gonna run for president yes like i think

like things like this start to snowball you know what i realized you need to be to be the president nowadays at least like if like not the donald trump effect like holds any long-term uh effects you got to be like stupid enough to be the president. Because a rational person would be like, I can't be president. I had a tweet go viral, and I'm blessed enough to have a lot of money that I did donate, but I can't be president. But right now, Dave

got 50,000 retweets, and people are buzzing about a $500,000 donation, and he's like, I can do this. I can be the president. So you've got to be crazy, equally stupid and the ego. You're just not using the word psychopath. Yeah.

That's not my thought. It's actually one of my favorite lines from Mindhunter. When they first get... I forget the actress's name or the character's name, but they first start working with the woman in Mindhunter. And they say, like, oh, she's explaining, like,

how she understands the psychopathy of all presidents. And I think he asks, well, how do you get to become president? You're a psychopath. And she says, you don't get to become one if you're not. Yeah, you've got to have the right level of ego, the right level of disconnect from the rest of the world, feelings, all that shit. Because I think it's either like, if I was in the position,

I would be too rational to be like, I am not smart enough or capable enough. And then if you really are smart enough and capable enough, you're like, I'm going to go in the private sector and make billions. So why would I do that? So who the fuck becomes president? House of Cards. That's the line from House of Cards. What is it? Underwood says that people who work in the private sector choose money over power.

And it's like money will buy you. I forget exactly what his line is, but he's like money will buy you a McMansion. Power will buy you a stone mansion. Yeah. That will last forever. Right. Psychopath, though. That's fucking crazy.

I'll just take the regular ass mansion, dude. I don't need the one that was. Speaking of presidents, did you see the Sasha Obama picture? No. I don't know if it's Photoshopped or just a different girl or what, but there's a picture of what is supposed to be Sasha Obama floating around, which is like girl done grown up, if it is really her. It's her in a bathing suit, in a crop top,

but the main thing to me is the fella in the background that guy looks like he is ready to pounce and i i don't know her enough like but at this age she the the malia and sasha went through like you know we we saw them when they were like 11 and now we you know now they're like 20 and it's like it's a big difference um but like i saw a couple of tiktoks of her floating around i'm like i don't know it does look like her but that would be that would be wild that's something that like that we haven't seen yet really right like like a first daughter like the bush twin the bush girls the bush girls but like to be like i don't remember maybe that's just because i was too young but like i don't remember seeing them when they were young and then seeing them become...

I guess it is the Bush girls, but I think social media has blown up so much more. The Bush girls were on the front page or back page. They were in the post. They were like paparazzi type. They were like tabloids. I think this is like, I don't know, catch fucking Obama girls on like OnlyFans

or some shit at this rate, where it's like, you can't control that. You know what I mean? It's like you had... I have no idea what size. I think Malia, I would probably recognize because she's the older one, right? Yeah, yeah.

So I had no clue. When I first, somebody sent me that, and they were like, dude, and I was like, I don't know who that is. Right. And then I like pieced it together by like Googling it. So I don't know. When I first, somebody sent me that and they were like, dude, and I was like, I don't know who that is. Right. And then I like piece it together by like Googling it. So I don't know her face well enough,

but if like, if she's, if one of them is just like a wild child and it's all over social media now, not just like page six type shit. Like Malia did that. She smoked weed, right?

It definitely wasn't wild child, but like she's been seen smoking weed or cigarettes a couple times, like drinking. Which is like, of course, you know what I mean? She's a seen smoking weed or cigarettes a couple times, like drinking. Which is like, of course. You know what I mean? She's a Lollapalooza. Right, right.

But even if they're crazy and fucking and doing, it's like, yeah, they lived a weird-ass life. Also, but that's not even crazy. That's just what a 19-year-old does. Right, for sure. But if they were to go wild, they'd be like, yeah, they were kind of trapped in the White House for their formative years.

They might be a little bit wacky. They might be a little bit rebellious. Who fucking knows? We'll get into our top fives in a moment. But first, the big news of the day here at KC Radio. To be honest, we should have opened with this. Yeah, I know. This is our breaking news.

We've done four or five topics. I was like, hmm, not doing the Pornhub yet, huh? Yeah, I think i dropped the ball there because i feel like people are tuning in like well we have to hear about kc radio on the porn hub like this is this is our moment this is like i have politics for hard factor or the super bowl for fucking pmt or something like we've got to talk about porn hub so it's brought to you by harry's uh harry's is an honest company who's going to bring you honest products quality products at good prices that you're going to need every day of your life.

Every week of your life, you're going to be shaving. You're going to trim your beard. You're going to shave your face. You need the shaving cream. You need the razors. You need it all. So why don't you just get it delivered right to your door? Cut out the bullshit where you have to go shopping.

Cut out the extra price, the extra money you spend. Just do it all. Streamline the whole thing. Have it delivered right to your door for cheaper prices. Dude, this is so ridiculous. I can't even. Every time I do this ad read, I feel ridiculous. It's $3.

$3 for a set. If you charge me $3 for a set of anything. $3 is free. It's zero. And then when you sign up, it's zero it's it's a and then and then when you when you sign up it's two dollars per refill that's also for also free that's a dollar less than free i mean that's like i i have razors for free i just have razors i own the razors of the world and it's and and and they're very nice german engineer bro and it's only and

we know germans are gonna engineer the fuck out of that they're like it's like got a good weight to it they got the ergonomic handle the the trial set for three bucks comes with a five blade razor a weighted ergonomic handle which is like it's got weight to it so just just like shaves it right down and the foaming shave gel with aloe and then it comes with a travel cover too if you're on the go i mean for three dollars if you told me if you went to the store right now and said i need a cover for my razor they would say that's 3.99 right oh and you get all the other shit for basically free it's insane so go to harrys.com slash kfc that's h-a-r-r-y-s harrys.com slash kfc and get the travel set uh the trial set, excuse me,

today. And then when you sign up, you can get the blades coming at a regularly scheduled rate. However, however often you want for just $2 per refill. It's absolutely insane. Harry's dot com slash KFC, the great porn hub purge of 2020. When the historians write the book about the year of our lord 2020

coronavirus will be second number one will be the porn hub purge 10 million videos deleted from porn hub which didn't actually sound like a lot to me until I found out that there was only three million remaining. Yeah, that's a big 13 and a half number, I think. And now they're down to like two huge number. That's you know, you could tell me there's a billion porns and I would have believed you. Right.

Ten million got deleted. Now it's all in the name of exceptionally good stuff, like the most noble thing. Seriously, that point I was ever done because they probably take a hit on this like and and they're doing it to stop like unfortunately i guess do you remember when porn hub was limited i don't remember those days but relatively recently you used to get five videos per day and that was it um i feel like that was like like that lasted for like a week is that i thought it was the opposite i thought it was like it used to be that way and then it opened up i think they and i i have no recollection i do remember being told like too much porn for today i don't think i did so but i also was a huge guy for a while having very few times so it used to be a guy for a while yeah me too i don't know what the switch

happened i just remember everyone's do you know why you did it? Do I know why I switched? Yeah. No. I vividly and decidedly remember that just like everything on Pornhub front page was anal. Everything was like cut to the chase, you know. You just had to search for it. Pornhub was giving me what I wanted. But yeah, so like relative. I think it was like early 2000s. It was like five videos per day and

then you got cut off and then they opened it up to like the whole world and it's like open source or crowdsource or whatever you want to call it and because of that you know they got they were like the dominant brand in porn but also that means like anybody and everybody can upload to their servers or whatever you want to call it and a lot of fucking bad people were uploading a lot of bad videos and they're like people were just straight up being raped or girls who were kidnapped and sex slaves and torture and all this shit. That's like, I mean, how do you police that? Because, you know, there are weird videos where it's like, I don't know, that could

have been consensual, but I don't know. But it's up there. It's up there. You know, it's not like the start of a kink video where it's like you have to have the interview with them. Right. I know the password. I agree to it. They do the post interview where it's like they're a mess but they're like i loved it yeah you know if you don't have that professional video and it's just like

well i don't know that that girl could have enjoyed it or she could have been like actually you know so like horrible horrible shit and and and so porn hub i mean i guess maybe you can't tip your cap too much because they were the ones like doing it all these years. But they're addressing the issue. And and like now it's like you can only upload your porn. If you're like a certified verified member or whatever, you make a video, you put it up, but you can't put up other people's videos. So that is a great thing. It's honestly I'm coming around on this as a whole because I think what this means is that all PMVs are gone now.

That's good. That's great. Yeah. I hate those things. Because no one, no one on the planet was like, like a hard guitar riff. Like, oh, do you want to listen to music? No. No.

I want to watch a fucking butt gig. I want to hear the ball slap on her asshole. I want to hear the thwop. I want that watch a fucking butt gap. I want to hear the ball slap on her asshole. I want to hear the thwop. I want that thwop, okay? I want to hear the gaping, like, weird noises. I don't know. I want to hear you bubbling and gargling. If I was going to fucking, like, if I wanted to listen to music, I'd watch TRL.

I'm on Pornhub.com. I want to hear. Get the PMV out of here. Fuck a PMV. So, yeah, there's some silver linings. But also, you have to understand, John, for the most part, I believe, well, you're just a thumbnail hover these days. But for the most part, you're just a front page guy, right? Yes, very much so.

So you have to understand that, like, I would imagine 99% of the time when you're watching somebody's video, it's very rarely, like, from their page, you know? From their. Very, very rarely. You know? I'm trying to. I'm just, like, Googling. When I, you know, thankfully, Heather Brooke now has her own page. She came back.

She did her. I mean, which, by the way, total flop, you know? Like, way to drop the ball. Has she done another video? She does, like, chat video, chatter-based. I haven't even heard of anything. This is crazy. I'm like, I just, oh, wait, look it, we found one.

Found a porn music video? No, just one that like isn't uploaded by like a real person. It's uploaded by Horny Boy. I just Googled Adrian Chachik. And they're all like blue check marks. But that guy's not interesting. Maybe he's not not like deleted yet you know oh another one oh whoops i just opened the point maybe they're still in the process maybe uh it's still going but at least the theory behind it is that like you know if you want to watch the adrian czech video it's going to be from

adrian czech or vivid videos or whatever the fuck she works for jules jordan so but like uh you know if i wanted to watch heather brooke had she not come back and re-uploaded like she uploaded all her old videos to her own channel those are all from other people because she was like out of the game right you know so like like jenna james i don't know like classic people if you want to see that and then i i mean i had to pour one out i just went ahead and googled tory black college fuck fest classic and it says video has been flagged for verification in accordance with our trust and safety policy video has been disabled nine years ago 4.5 million videos uh million views and that was when tory

black was like an amateur and i remember being like who the fuck is this girl she's like the hottest girl i've ever seen and she's just banging that frat boy who was also a weapon. That guy could throw dick. And like, poof, things like that are just gone. This reminds me a lot this is the porn version of when Napster disappeared and Kazaa and all those and you used to have those awesome blends

and remixes. Like just early December, I think or late November, I think Wiz Khalifa put out the empire of the sun. Um, the thrill remix that, that was not available on streaming for like the last 10 years, but it was available on like,

uh, the download files on like hype floats and the streaming back in the day. Cause that was just like somebody blended it together. So if it wasn't an official song, you can't get it anymore. That's kind of like porn now, at least on Pornhub. I mean, X videos are probably still the wild West. You go to the other places, somebody blended it together so if it wasn't an official song you can't get it anymore that's kind of like porn now at least on pornhub i mean x videos are probably still the wild west you go to the other places but they're also gonna have to follow suits can make dominoes they can't be

like well we'll fucking we'll put up the torture videos you know so i mean this is the great videos is trending right now yeah i'm sure people are jumping over they're getting a bump like why this is like wcw and wwf in a way you know it's like we're going corporate like go to ecw you can still see razor blades in the fucking face but uh i mean this is probably as the dominoes start to fall or as things really shape up this is probably like the great regulation of pornography like where i feel like the internet and porn is like it used to be the wild west and now it's at least a lot less so, you know? It is, it is.

Which, again, for the greater good, awesome, but for the, you know, the real beaters of the game, you know? Because it is one of those things, like, can't you just get rid of the torture videos? So, like, this is what I... Can't you just get rid of the... Can't I watch professional porn stars still have sex? Can I woo you to a new job?

Me and Zah. Because Zah has more experience in the porn industry, literally, than any of us. So I was talking about on CCK. And we started up the Real Beaters Brotherhood, the RBB. Me, Zah. The Rocket. The Rocket says you can hang. I don't know i mean you know i need like 2018 yp me use uh trill withers you know the real beaters i just want a

porn website and we'll be like the verifiers you can upload your porn and we will watch it and it can be things like tory block at the at the fuck party or you know some of your classics and we'll just make sure that no one's getting like raped and murdered too i think and then so we will have but what if we what if we find one we say no no no yeah but like i wouldn't want to be a lot on your plate i wouldn't be like all right play the next one yeah right right that'd be tough that would be that's probably what once i overturn that call i'm like i need a vacation that's probably what happened to Pornhub. Once I overturned that call, I'm like, I need a vacation. That's probably what happened to Pornhub.

They probably used to do that, and they're like, I can't see anymore of this. Yeah. They're like, I just let it up. Just put it up. Looking at murder. Well, you know, maybe we'll have to, you know, hire other real beaters. You have to pass the test, and you'll know if you've got good taste. And then you can come to, you know, realbeaters.com, where we have the nicest array and collection.

Realbeaters.com. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Where it's like you're going to get some OG shit, some safe stuff, some really kinky shit. No fucking porn music videos. None of that shit. And none of the fake stuff. No porn music videos.

No porn music videos and no fake dicks and the fake cum. Fuck a porn music video. Well, sometimes. All right, I can do the fake stuff. No porn music videos. No porn music videos and no fake dicks and the fake cum. Fuck a porn music video. Well, like, sometimes. All right, I can do the fake cum. I hate the clown penis. The clown penis. Where it sticks out of the fucking side of the TV so you know that it... If you can make...

If you can have a fake dick that looks like it's, like, attached to your body, then let's go. I mean, I, like, I don't... I don't regularly look at those, but I just know, like... I know I've seen it before and gone, but you know what? Real beaters already exist. This is for sneakers. Fuck. Real beaters? We'll buy them. Yeah, we'll buy them out. Come on, look at that top banner.

They're trash. We can buy them out of garbage websites. Or you know what? We can still do the sneakers. Sneakers and porn. Realbeaters.com. Come for all your thoughts. Alright, so top five. In honor of the Porn porn hub purge today the great revolution the schism uh porn hub is the number one way to get your porn these days so we're

going to do the top five other ways for non-porn hub related to get your porn i'm gonna lead off yes i will go you know it's my favorite my good old fashioned box of porn in the woods the box of porn in the woods we've done this many times before you are either you either grow up a box of porn in the woods guy or it sounds completely foreign to you and you have no idea what's going on but most of us

in what is a weird sociological experiment where it's like oh you do that too oh I do that too and there was no communication of it it's like the little man jumping when you too? Oh, I do that too? And there was no communication of it. It's like the little man jumping when you're walking on the... You always say this. And maybe I'm the weird one. Because I just have never heard of this since I met you.

Are you talking about the wires? Or like the little man jumping? No, no, no. That I know. I don't know the box of porn in the woods. You're one of the guys who don't have the box of porn. But if you are a box of porn in the woods guy, it's like, what are you talking about? You didn't have the box of porn? Yeah.

Like, it's all or nothing. And the people who do have it, it's like, I don't know how you had it and how I had it. We're from different states, different times, different places. But, I mean, I feel bad for you. Because I feel like it was happening and you just didn't know it that probably means you're lame it probably means you didn't get like the end like you didn't get the invite no it's like we can't bring that little bitch boy john he's gonna you didn't even have pubes bro you didn't even have pubes they'd probably be like nah john i'll

fucking snitch and tell tell the people i know the exact guys who like like him and he had an older brother my buddy and he had an older brother who like let me in the club. And like we rode our bikes there. And I was like, wow. I mean, you know, it's terror. It's a box. It's in the elements. It's like magazines that are like old and fucking rotted and whatever, though.

Bro, when I was at hockey camp once, we shared a porn magazine. But you want to talk about old and rotted? There was a picture in this magazine where it was a girl with her legs spread wide open. Sounds good so far. And there was a target on her vagina. You couldn't see her vagina. There was just a target. Like for you to come? Yes.

And it was like, try to come here. And everyone tried to come on it. Did you? I did not, personally. But your friends did? But that page was like, you knew. That page was like stuck. I already remember this top five.

You stuck together. Because, obviously, again, everyone was coming on it. You're up. Rotten.com. Wow. Yeah. It's not even porn, but it's porn. Yeah.

I just refused to let an opportunity to reference Rotten.com pass me by. Yeah. And, again, I always talk about it. Two of the most horrifying things I've ever seen in my life were on Rotten.com. One was two construction workers who were in their helmets, which was odd. Two construction workers in their helmets, naked, with a literal chain tied to both their dicks, having a tug of war. And then the other one, which I can't possibly have been real, was Mother Teresa's autopsy. I think that's real.

It was just on that website. I feel like that is real. I don't know if that one's real, but I feel like that is out there. I feel like you can see that. But you could see anyone's autopsy on that website. Yeah.

It was just all... I would love to make it to Rotten.com one day. I'd love to be worthy of Rotten.com. Like die in such a gruesome manner or a controversial way or something like that. Oh, I wasn't thinking you were going to be dead for this. Oh, I'm going to be alive?

I'd rather make Rotten.com as dead. I was going to say, I'd rather make it as dead than alive, because alive, you know, I'd really stoop. Forget about cameo. Well, in the same vein, then, I'm going to go with E-Fucked. Oh! Double dick. I don't knowed oh the guy the double dick yeah

double dick i don't know which double dick i see the double oh really i don't know oh the double dick if i say double dick to you how do you picture the double dick uh top bottom yeah yeah i wonder i did too but i wonder if there's anybody out there who thought like the double dick would be side to side and they saw the top of the bottom and they're like whoa but i remember i just remember thinking like if you could uh, if you could DP a chick by yourself, that's pretty fucking pretty sick. Pretty fucking cool. I don't think it's even remotely real.

I think there is a guy with two dicks, but I think it's like more like Siamese twins where it's like split. This guy had a double decker, double decker, dicker, or he could just like put it in at the same time. Uh, and that one stuck with me.

I can picture the e fucked.com watermark and the double dicks. And yeah. Um, stuck with me. I can picture the efucked.com watermark and the double dicks and yeah. Milfhunter.com. Fuck. See, I was going to go with that. I let myself get persuaded for the sake of,

you know, segues and continuity rotten, efucked, but Milfhunter was going to be my number two. Was it really? Yes.

I love Milfhunter. Dude, Milfhunter, there was one to this day open the gate he did this windmill thing where he smacked a girl in the ass and he go open the gate pow open the gate pow and me and my friends in freshman year was running around going open the gate across the bar open the gate nobody even knows what it meant we're just talking about yeah that's the old guy down in florida who fucks these hoes man dude i saw the one of him in uh he picks up a girl at the market he does and i like we're like for some reason i vividly remember that being like

one of the best points i'm a big milf i one time in like 2009 or 10 i found him on facebook and i was facebook messaging with him and trying to like reel him in a little bit i didn't have a podcast at the time i didn't have like any way to do it but i was like i'm gonna try to like interview him like you could read the transcript or something but i remember thinking like this is gonna be like the biggest get ever like how far we've come and i'm talking to fucking brian cranston but there was a time where i was like his name was sean i was like sean the milf hunter i'm gonna get this guy. And by the way, as good as MILF Hunter 1 is,

MILF Hunter 2 and 3, like the other guys who came along, it's like Bob Barker and Drew Carey. If you're not the guy, you're not the guy. That should have just died. You could make another one called, you know, like MILF MILF fucking I was going to say

stalker, but that sounds pretty fucking dark. You know i was gonna say stalker that sounds pretty fucking dark you know the milf stalker um okay um um i will go with uh um there was a website called pinkworld.com that was it was the most bootleg website ever. Actually, Nick, can you pull it up and see if it still even exists and if it's the same format for me? It was just a pink page with blue hyperlinks. Yep, there it is! Yes!

Yes! What a piece of shit. What a garbage website. They treat that like Apple treats their podcast. Yeah, just like whatever, dude. And I don't know treats their podcast. Yeah. Just like whatever. Just leave it. And I don't know why. I think my buddy actually found this and we used to play a game almost called like pink

where it was like roulette because it was just like links. And it was like, sometimes it might be rotten. Sometimes it might be, you know, Jenna Jameson. Right. And so you would,

you would like put your mouse over like the, the, and then we're talking about old school mouse with like the little ball, you know, so you put your mouse like in the column and you would put your mouse over the... And we're talking about old school mouse with the little ball. So you put your mouse in the column, and you would just have to 1, 2, 3, scroll, and click. And it could be a guy getting his head chopped off, or it could be Jenna Jameson. And it was a fun fucking game.

That sounds... Yeah, you want to do that? Put your mouse there and just scroll and see what you come up with. I mean, it's everyday links, too. Like, they've been doing this. Someone's been uploading these links for, like, 30 years. This is like Sportsy Cyclopedia. Yeah.

Frank Fleming might run this page for all we know. All right. Not bad, Nick. Paige Owens gets skull-fucked and destroyed from Fapnap nato boy is his hand all the way inside her so that would see that would have been regarded as like a successful roulette you know give me one more yeah sure joe madison big breasts and leather pants you know that would have been regarded as like well at least i didn't see somebody die you know i can't like get off to that one but hey

i'll tell you what the pink world roulette i could i could see a lot of stories out there like having some fun with this one this is uh all right let's move on because i'm just gonna be like i'm bothered like let's let's Let's just watch porn. Okay. New podcast segment. We just watch porn. We have a precedent for that. We did it two weeks ago. It's true.

So this is my number three? Yeah. Freeones.com. That might even predate Pinkfrog. Freeones was... I think that's like everybody's first, right? Free Ones was without a doubt the first. It's where I learned of Heather Brook. It's where I found everything I know now.

But the weirdest thing that happened... So there was always like one clip of the day. They would have like a little section that was like the blank clip of the day. And it was like all like popular videos. It would be like the anal clip of the day, the ebony clip of the day, the was like all like popular videos like it would be like the anal clip of the day the ebony clip of the day the blah blah blah and in all regular things like the DP clip of the day the blowjob clip of the day

and then just randomly in there was the balloon play clip of the day and it was where I learned that like balloons are a real fetish and it was just girls like popping balloons on themselves I watched it I checked it out just to be like what's this all. And it was just girls, like, popping balloons on themselves. I watched it. I checked it out just to be like, what's this all about?

That creeps me out. And it was like, you know what? They also might have had the cast clip of the day in there. They were all very normal. Like, cast. Like, I broke an arm? Yeah. They were all, like, really normal, regular porn things.

And then it was balloons and casts, I believe. Which is. Balloons and casts? That's great. Just like right in the middle of, again, like... Okay, blowjob. Okay, anal. Okay, like just things you understand.

Things that are categories of porn. And then blowjob and cast. I am looking at my favorite here. See, this is one that's, like, gone now. I just tried to go to it. It doesn't exist. And if you search it on Pornhub, like, this is old school. I found an article about it from 2003.

Did you ever watch ComeOnDagny.com? No, I don't think so. Let me show you this, like, chick, if you even, like, recognize her. Do you know her? So this was the OG. This predates. She's attractive. I'd like to get to know her.

Well, you know what she is? She's like a real life wife. She's not as attractive in that picture. That first picture you showed me, yes. But see, it's almost very similar. It was exactly like Naughty Alley and I Deep Throat. And this dude, his name was Jeff. They might be the original couple that I knew.

You, by the way, really like him. I'm a couple guy. Yeah, I'm a couple guy. His dick was Not big What are you looking at Nick I'm trying to bring up Oh okay

And this dude Put Peter North to shame Oh really He was like He was like a machine gun And I remember just thinking And at that age I was probably like 15 or whatever. And I'm just like, oh, my dick doesn't do that.

I don't come like that at all. Yeah, that's exactly what it looked like. It was one of those good old, like, 18 to enter. You click enter. Come on, dad. Oh, my God. And then it would. Every way those words are spelled is trashy.

C-U-M-O-N-D-A-G-N-Y. Please, please work because it had the very old school classics. See, it's not going to work. Do you remember websites that were set up like this? It was like three. It was like square, square, square, and it would be like click. Free DVD. This, yes.

This, yes. DVD. This? Yes! This? Yes! And you, like, those three, you could click on those three, and those were like 50 second clips, like, each. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would buffer like a motherfucker. They're like, open in a quick time. Yes, yes. And then I think you had to pay to get, like, the full thing or whatever. But it was like, I just would just survive on, you know,

60 second, like, 30 second clips from this, like, pretty average, very mediocre married couple like i should have known i was like fucking 15 i was like why don't you just watch brianna versus jenna dude like the really really hot porn stars of the day and i was like give me the mediocre married couple oh fuck man um i'm gonna to go. I got to go. Limewire and Kazaa. Dude, I used to rip a lot of Tara Patrick.

I would download. The queen of that. I would download a lot of Tara Patrick on Kazaa and Limewire. There's one of her rubbing ice on her nipples and stuff. Absolutely there was. Absolutely there was. I think she was called something like the number one girl of the internet specifically like she had um she was like the queen of like internet porn not like movie uh like studio porn right it's like i dominate the internet um and i think she was like the first one to like really she was she was she was sexy as fuck. She was sexy. Yeah.

Where is she now? This segment is getting me horny. I just want to... I'm almost erect, folks. I'm excited for the podcast to end so I can go home. I'm going to throw it back one more time. I think more general with it, like a father or brother stash, like finding a stash in your house. I never had such a thing happen.

My dad has a – had. I think it's gone now. I don't even know if I should tell it. Whatever. He had like a 1940 classic car, like a 1940 Chevy that was in, like, our garage. We brought it everywhere we ever moved. It was his first car ever. He called it Pearl.

It was a black car. He bought it for 500 bucks back in, like, 1956 or whatever. It was a 1940 Chevy. And in the trunk was fucking old school porn. Really? It was like shout out Pops. Thanks for the porn, dude. Thanks for the porn, man.

What's old school porn? Probably, like, I mean, it was like Playboys from probably like the 60s and 70s. But like, I mean, like, how does it work? Like, it's not as good as the new porn, right? They're not doing the stuff we like to see. No, no. I mean, it was just like, I think girls just like posing as hapless, you know? Like maybe some hairy vaginas, you know?

I think both those things. I've always said, I think Farrah Fawcett is the missing link. I think Farrah Fawcett's when girls started getting hot. Farrah Fawcett is the missing link. I think Farrah Fawcett is when girls started getting hot. Farrah Fawcett. I was going to know the name. I don't know if I can picture her. She's like a hot blonde who was... Because you know how everyone back 40 years ago was just not that hot?

They're hot, but they're just not that sexy, if you will. Yeah. And I think Farrah Fawcett was the one who like just started to get like exotic sexy hot to me oh maybe you're not the one i'm looking at her here because like that's not my that's not my no but i think like there's some pictures here like yeah i mean she can she's a weapon you know she started to get like okay okay, girls are getting hot. But I want to know who was like the porn, who bridged the gap? Who was like, okay. I think it was Jada Jameson.

You think so? I feel like that's like later in the game, but maybe not. Because she used to be like, I only do girls and all that shit. Remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe it is her. But like the early porn stars, it was like, we're going to be naked on camera. And that was enough.

And then there was people who were like, you can put two dicks in my ass at once. Like, how do we get from point A to point B? You know what I mean? Like, somebody had to take the game and accelerate it like a motherfucker. I mean, I do think that was still Jenna, though. Yeah, it might have been. She did very little butt stuff. Very little.

And a lot of condoms. She was very hot though for her time. Like the, Quentin, it was like Pamela Anderson was doing porn.

You know what I mean? Like if you got to see her, fuck. That was, she was, she's a legend. Now she looks like a totem pole.

It's very sad what happened to her. Just, yeah. What's a totem pole? You know what a totem pole is? Yeah. Like the faces on totem poles.

Just like that. Just like... A lot of work. Yeah, just trying to hold on to it. That's unfortunate. Last one. Last one for me is going to be... I mean...

I mean, you got to get up to ID throw. You got to. You got to. I mean, like... It'd to IDthrow. You gotta. You gotta. Be crazy not to have her on the list. IDthrow.com. Heather Harmon. You know what is one that I wanted to give? Maybe it's my honorable mention, but maybe not because I don't know if it's like, it just feels not right

saying it, but the most ridiculous website I think I've ever typed into, go watch intentionally. Blacksonblondes.com. Have you ever watched that? I'll give you one guess what's happening. It's a little on the nose, but it was just like, you know, bleach blonde chicks just getting destroyed by black guys.

And I was just like, this feels inherently racist. We're just laying it out there with the name and everything. Do you know who Spring Thomas is? Spring Thomas. I do not. She's a blonde girl who would only fuck black guys and like, would like call them the N word. And I believe there is one film where she is wearing a Confederate flag,

Jesus Christ, either shirt or there's a Confederate flag hanging in the room. It is... She was, like, called in the N-word. It was really offensive stuff. Yeah, really. Well, there's... Annette Schwartz is another one.

She's a German chick. Yeah. Schwartz means black in German. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I did know that, unfortunately. And then she does the same thing. She drops some language that she shouldn't. Really?

Yeah. It's like, oh, man. See, like, Spring Thomas was at least, like, I was in, like, middle school watching. I Googled Spring Thomas Confederate. Back when white people considered the N-word. That was back when we were all doing it. Spring Thomas Confederate brings up pictures of, like, you know, like, generals from the Civil War. But is that – I'm assuming that's her?

That is definitely her. That's definitely her. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's kind of coming around because she looks like someone who would do that. She looks like a girl who would say those things. Yeah, like she went to Alabama. Exactly. Her daddy taught it to her.

All right, so let us know your favorite ways to get porn outside of Pornhub. And let's keep porn clean and let us know if you want to be a part of realbeaters.com. Voicemails, and then we'll get into it with Sam Morrell. Voicemails today are brought to you by Miller Lite. It's time to kick back with your boys and listen to your KFC radio friends. I feel like the people who listen to KFC radio, the people who hear voicemails, are almost like internet friends. I think so. I almost feel like in a weird way, if we weren't so socially awkward and social misfits,

I feel like we could do a get-together where people from voicemails hang out with each other almost. Like a porn convention almost. Where it's like, oh, I was the guy from 2012 who people from voicemails like hang out with each other almost like a weird like a porn convention almost. It's like, oh, I was the guy from like, you know, 2012 left that voicemail like, oh, I was in like spring of 2017. Everybody would get along. We're all good Internet friends at this point who I think I think a lot of times are better friends than your real friends. So get some Miller lights, kick back and enjoy it with us right now. We're about to talk to all of our listeners. We're about to share some stories.

We're about to talk to all of our listeners. We're about to share some stories. We're about to tell some tales. We're about to ask some questions, give some answers. And what better way to do that than with some ice cold Miller Lights? You can get them delivered right to your door right now when you go to MillerLight.com slash KFC. Just do me a favor, hit up that website. Let them know that you're looking at them.

Let them know that you're thinking about how to get it delivered right to your door so you can do a holiday party from home. You can celebrate Christmas from home. You don't have to go out. No longer able to go to the bars, indoor, outdoor dining, whatever the situation may be. You can still always get your Miller Lite.

Go to MillerLite.com slash KFC. Always celebrate responsibly from the Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Tis Miller time. Tis the season. MillerLite.com slash K Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Tis Miller time. Tis the season. MillerLite.com slash KFC. Hey, KFC. Hey, Fights.

I have a question for you guys. I'm excited to hear your answers. I saw Fights tweeting about folklore and the new short movie that Taylor Swift just put out. The other week, talking about how awesome it was, and my wife and I agreed, loved it. I thought what made it so great was how short it was, but she gave little stories, little background tidbits we'd never heard, confirmed a few things, talked about the process.

So I was wondering if you guys could choose one band or one other artist to have a similar film. You know, there have been band documentaries and things like that, but I thought this was very different. So I'm wondering if you could choose someone else to put out this kind of film get a little background see him play alive um kind of get in that moment so just yeah cheers to hear your thoughts what direction you would go thanks i haven't i haven't seen this so i'm imagining it's just you know like a full behind the scenes access of how she how the album comes to be and all that

shit no not so much actually um yes's like, I wouldn't say full behind the scenes. It's like, she's sitting there talking, probably like, let's say it's three to five minutes before every song. She kind of explains a bit of the song. But it's not a behind the scenes thing at all. Okay. And she performs.

And then she, yes, her, Adam, and Kind of reminds me of MTV Unplugged. Yes, very Unplugged. Which, by the way, an album I bought the other day. Linus Morissette Unplugged. Jay-Z Unplugged is maybe my favorite thing ever. So this would probably be my answer and just have Jay-Z do it with all the songs that have since come out. Because it's Jay-Z.

It's the roots playing all the music. And Jay-Z doing it. And back then, rap really hadn't done instruments. You know what I mean and Jay-Z like doing it. And back then it was like rap really hadn't done like instruments. You know what I mean? Lil Wayne started to do it. Other people like playing guitars, playing music other than the roots. So him doing it with the roots was like my two favorite things coming

together. So he already kind of did it a little bit, but I think Jay-Z would probably be my answer. He, I mean, he's just, Jay-Z's like LeBron where it's like, he doesn't get the respect,

you know? Yeah. It's like, he's just done it for, and he's had some, you know, he's the only rapper, one of the only rappers who's lived long enough to have some flops and to have some misses, so people, like, hold that against him kind of.

But, I mean, his hits and the way he doesn't really write music and it's all kind of freestyled and the commercial hits with the deep thinking hits and the old school, new school, underground, drug dealer, sellout, pop, Jay-Z, Beyonce. I mean, he's done it fucking all. It's insane. It's absolutely insane. So he'd probably be my choice.

Mine would be probably someone I don't even listen to that much, like at all, really. Mine would be someone like Ozzy. Really? I just want to see you. I just want to hear about your insanity. I guess, but I feel like if I don't have the connection to the music, I wouldn't care what happened, unless every story is awesome,

which I guess Ozzy would have one of those. Probably is, right? But to me... My answer would be, one, Taylor Swift, and two, someone like that, which is like... Well, I guess even in our brief conversation with Tommy Lee, it's like, give me more of that, dude. Give me every story of every tour, every song, every moment.

All the fucking ants you snorted just to get a little high. I want to try to get to a point where – All the piss you drank. Wouldn't it be great to – and I guess like Howard Stern kind of has this where it's like if you could ask the true questions that everybody really wants to know. You get to the point where you're respected enough where like you can do those interviews and ask those questions and you got to do it with guys like Tommy Lee who have the answers and are willing to give it. But it's like the,

the deep primal, like in, in a curiosity of people, it's like, yeah, I want to talk to Tommy about like, um, you know,

his career and like the shit that we did, we're able to talk to him about, but we also want to talk about the sex tape and his dick. If you sat down with George Clooney, certainly there's a lot of highbrow stuff that's very interesting to talk about. But also the deep,

like I said, primal in us all. How many people have you fucked, George Clooney? Imagine if you could get those answers and get people to really be like, yeah, no, when you go on this show, you give the real answers. That's because you have to be famous. But even that, like, I still – and I think Howard Stern would be the answer. That's where people do it the most, if at all.

But to really be able to, like, when you come on this show, you're only going to get – exclusively get asked inappropriate questions. What's the highest number of people at one time? What's the total number? What's the most you've ever drank? What's the hardest drug you've ever done have you ever killed a man have you you know what i mean like the dark like the questions that you know you have you ever killed the dirt that you really like share with your friends like get that from celebrities if you could get there uh because like those you know that's it's like oh this song you know i wrote that's, it's like, Oh, this song, you know,

I wrote when I was like on, on the tour bus, uh, like when I broke up with so-and-so it's like, all right, cool. But it's also better if it's like, so this was right after like Ozzy fucking like had a eight some and like,

you know, this guy OD'd on heroin in the back. And like, the stories would always be awesome from like a black Sabbath or something. Next up. KFC Bites, what's going on? Question for you. I've been dating my girlfriend for about six months now.

And it just so happens that both of our leases are up. Don't do it. May of 2021. No! And kind of sort of talked leases are up. Don't do it. May of 2021. No! And kind of sort of talked about moving in together. And at the very beginning, I agreed to it, and it sounded great. And as we get closer and closer to the date and things are getting serious about actually moving in.

I'm kind of getting cold feet and wondering if I made a mistake because once you move in together, there's really no going back. And the next step after that is marriage and all that. You're fucked, dude. I mean, first of all, somebody just tweeted me, I hope somebody saves

all 10 million of the videos from Pornhub and puts it on another website. That would be pretty funny. I saved all like 9 jillion terabytes I hope somebody saves all 10 million of the videos from Pornhub and puts it on another website. That would be pretty funny. I saved all like 9 jillion terabytes of this and you can just have the old school Pornhub. You remember I was just saying about Harry's that $2 and $3 is $0? If you've been dating for six months, you've been dating for zero months. Yes, correct. That is nothing in the grand scheme.

And I guess maybe when you're like 17, if you've been dating for six months, that's like a serious relationship. But if you haven't done like a cycle, you haven't gone through the seasons. You don't even know what that bitch is like in the winter. You don't even know what she's like during the 4th of July. You know, you, you have not gone through anything with her.

So a, that is like nothing. So don't ever, like, if you tell me like I had six month anniversary, like I'll chop your head off, uh, So don't ever – like if you tell me I had a six-month anniversary, I'll chop your head off. Moving in with someone out of lease and financial ease, if you will, is the worst idea in the world.

It is the worst idea in the world. It's the worst idea in the world that everyone has. And that – Like literally at least in Manhattan. And you know what? That like most people do. I say don't do this, and you're going to do it because when you're staring down the barrel of like, well, I could pay

$3,500 a month myself or I could pay $16 or something like that, you're just going to do it. But you should not do it. Honestly, I'm flipping the script. No, it's not a bad idea. No, it's a horrible idea it's so much money you saved

I came very close to doing this the only thing that stopped me from doing this was her her dumping me was the only thing which by the way I think we're going to do for one thing I learn next time yes

but anyway the that like. The cartoon of like the beer spilling down your teeth. The tears and the beer mixing together. Unbelievable. Yeah, I know it. And it does seem like a good idea. Even as you just lay out those numbers. It's a staggering amount of money.

It's a lot of money. But you cannot put, you know, it's a premium that you pay. And I understand when you're happy, too. You have to – it's almost like a JJO situation where it's like if you could transfer yourself into a fight. It's like right now we're good, and we're having sex, and it's fun, and we're not in a fight. So it sounds like a good idea. Answer that question in the middle of a fucking blowout. And if you can still honestly say it's a good idea, then okay.

But being like yeah no this is great it's like that's the reason why you shouldn't tell me about it when it's hard if you still want to live together then it's then maybe but to just be like i'll save some money and hey things are going well when you are trapped and miserable although you know what the real answer is too though it's like just do it and like and then like if things go wrong just like break up with her and like you know what i mean like yeah we put such a uh a pressure on like well i'll be locked into the lease and i don't want to like break up with her after we just moved in it's like well you can just like pull the plug on things you know what i mean if you have like you just have to have like

the balls to do it but if you're gonna if you're one of those people who's gonna like kind of follow the rules if you will where it's like all right well we just moved in so like i have to make it work or whatever you can find yourself in a very long lease. In a very long year. Like, imagine you get, you move in together to save $1,500 a month. Mm-hmm. And then you

just die with that person when you're 80 years old. That's it. All to save a couple of bucks. Again, it's a lot of money. It is a lot of money, but it's also like, it's not really when you're – the other thing too in the big picture, and I hate to do this, but it's true. It's like when you don't have – when you're not married, you don't have kids, you don't have a mortgage, you don't have bills.

You can afford to pay the extra money to live alone. And if you need to come up with extra cash, don't have $800 bills at the bar like three times a week you know what i mean like those those there's other ways to to find money than living together with someone way too soon now if it's like you've been dating like a year and a half and it's like when you just start to get like a little bit older and a little bit more serious then you can start having conversations but if you're like 23 or four and you've been dating for six months, like if you're 20,

anything you should not, I would, I would recommend not. I mean, I got a buddy who just, just recently like finally succumbed and moved in with his girl. But like they were, you know,

mid thirties and it was like, I have my apartment and you have your apartment. And he just like stuck to his guns and like hasn't proposed yet. And, and I used to kind of make fun of them and almost like not look down on them, but kind of be like, dude,

come on. Like, you know, she's like a good girl. You should just do this. And then, you know, I just did it.

And like, look what happened. I remember being like, yeah, like you stick to your fucking guns. If you, and I guess that's the other thing too, is if you really want to do this,

like go ahead. Yeah. But if you're like, if you're already like, you're calling a stupid podcast and asking about it, it sounds like you you really want to do this, like, go ahead. Yes. But if you're, like, if you're already, like. If you're calling a stupid podcast and asking about it, it sounds like you don't want to do it. If you're already, like, I think this is a bad idea, but maybe it's a good. Nope. No.

If you're, like, head over heels or you really think it's a good idea, then it's like Ron White says. You ever see that stand up of his? And he's, like, if you can stand on your own two feet, like, look me in the eyes and tell me to fuck off, then like I did my job. Right. You know, like don't go home with that girl. Like you're married or whatever. It's like,

fuck off. Okay. Done. So if you can, if you can stand on your own two feet, clearly tell me, I know I'm moving in with this girl after only six months and I'm doing it to save some money.

And I think it's a little bit early, but I want to save that money. Fuck you. Then. Okay. Deal. Go. But it's probably going to be a bad idea.

Last one. What do we got? Hey, what's up KFC? Bikes. Deal. Go. But it's probably going to be a bad idea. Last one. What do we got? Hey, what's up, KFC? Fight. Hit. Call him to see. Just broke up with my girlfriend of about four years. How long is it long enough to keep pictures up on the Instagram?

It was a pretty clean breakup. You know, just moved far apart from each other. What do you think? It's been about a month. Girls keep asking what my Instagram is. I keep on having to explain. When do I do it? Thanks. This might be

a new age thing. A new age question, but I feel like you leave them up. I was going to say, never take them down i i was gonna say never take them down like i i don't have a ton of pictures of exes but like there are there are definitely pictures on my instagram of like ex-girlfriends yeah i think my current girlfriend she definitely has pictures of her ex-boyfriend like yeah i think it's weird i think to delete it where it's like i do too it's like are you you don't like like you're deleting

your history it's like what happened that you feel the need to like eradicate this from here like it's just someone you really like it's almost like i feel like no one ever wants to do that and it's like you're being unnecessarily dramatic yes yeah well i remember i mean that was a time of your... Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. Very much reminds me of Evermore. It is. A lot of the songs on Taylor Swift's album are about, like, not about breakups, but just, like, the few that are about breakups are hopeful breakups, which is like, look, that was a time in my life. It's an experience that you had.

It didn't work out well, but, like, that's cool. Like, it's okay. One of my biggest regrets is when I was going through the divorce, things were getting messy and throwing shots at each other, and Instagram was a big fucking point of contention, and everything I did was wrong. And I think I tried. I think in the moment was like, you don't really want to do this,

but I felt like I had to basically. And I think I saved the pictures elsewhere, but I deleted all of them. And I totally regret it. All the pictures of... It was me and her, and it's one of my biggest regrets. Because it was like, now times are better, and it's like, oh, that sucks. But I didn't do that out of... That was a legal thing. That was messy, and I felt like I had to.

If I didn't... If it was just a breakup, I'd be like... I'm leaving those up. Right. Yeah. I guess it is a little... I don't, if it was just like a breakup, I'd be like, I'm leaving those up. Right. Like, yeah. I guess it is a little, I don't know, it's a little weird for the next person. It can be weird. I don't think it's weird at all.

It's weird for me to pretend that I've never been in a relationship before. If you were with another girl and she, you know, like head over heels, everything's perfect, and she was just like, it just really makes me uncomfortable. Like, can you delete them? Would you do it? I mean, I guess I would. Because, again, like i don't it just really makes me uncomfortable like can you delete them would you do it i mean i guess i would because again i also don't have many i yeah i would guess you have to scroll like by the end of my instagram and like there might be two or three pictures there well that's also that's another it's is there all such silly

things but i do think that's why it's like you probably should only post people who like the rules should almost be like what's your 10 minutes 10 months 10 years sort of thing yeah yeah it's like if in like 10 years you can look back and be like i'm happy that person's on my instagram then like good you posted that picture but if you're like one of these like really posting everybody i think you're overthinking it probably i think but i but i do think that social media sometimes can be i think you can use it kind of like whimsically or you can use it like more seriously it kind of depends on yeah like and that's what sucks is sometimes like i want to post a picture and other times it's like this is like who i am this is like my my resume if you

will where if like you are a serial dater and you like post pictures quickly i'm not that like i've had few girlfriends right so yeah anybody that you would have posted is kind of like was worth it yeah it was like someone i spent a lot of time if you're someone you like swing tree to tree and you go from like one relation to another they overlap and you're you know it's just like constantly people i could see it being weird yeah yeah yeah if you were i mean i don't know if maybe if your ex is just like what if you just date a fucking dime, just a fucking rocket. And the new girl or guy is like, man, like every time I look at your Instagram, this is you and like a supermodel.

Can you just like get rid of those? I don't know. I'd be like, all right, I get it. I get it. Guess what? I only date rockets. Yeah, that's all. That's all we fucking do, kid.

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How much did he pay you? I mean it was like I worked for a landscaping company. Got it, got it, got it. It wasn't like me. It was like my i mean it was like i i worked for a landscaping company got it got it got it it wasn't like me i was like my job when i was like 18 i like one summer in college or 19 whatever age i was well this can do it in uh 90 seconds or less and we'll provide you uh side by side quotes from over 100 providers for the best car insurance for you so you can save up to 670 bucks a year using the zebra.com. That's the zebra T H E Z E B R a.com slash KFC. And you can save on your car,

your home insurance, all bundled together today in less than 90 seconds. That's the zebra.com slash KFC. Sam, what's up, babe? You're punctual as shit. I think that was one on the dot.

Were you just sitting here? I was on the phone with my buddy, Joe Mackey. and then I was like, oh shit, I got to run. Straight on time. One o'clock on the dot. I do that every time we have to do a Zoom where we're not in the office. I just sit there waiting for it to click, because I don't want to be a loser who's in there before. I don't want to be awkward. It's way more awkward than an actual interview or an actual meeting.

It's weird, right? Because online is not like same as showing up to a party where you're just like, if you show up on the dot and you're like, you fucking lose it. Right. But like, but with online,

you're like, I'm, I'm, what else am I doing? Right. I was busy. No, you fucking weren't.

You weren't doing anything. Uh, watch the, I watched the new special last night. It is, uh, I i mean your jokes are always fucking you know incredible i think you're probably the best joke writer and teller in the game right now but the uh the production of it was so cool it was so unique i mean especially for you know obviously what's going on i've found that some people are like uh we've talked to every

comedian about like whether they want to do outdoors, whether they're willing to do drive-ins, are they willing to do the park, whatever. You made it look fucking awesome, you know, like rooftops with drones and everything. So I didn't even think of it as like, oh, he had to do it this way. It was like, this is a cool idea,

even if there was no pandemic. It was pretty fun. You know, well, the drones, what happened was I did a show in brooklyn originally this it's beginning of i just got back to new york city i show up at this gig and like everything is going wrong at the like every gig so we get i get to the gig and i'm like okay it's bleaker street where's the i'm texting i can't find the address he goes no bleaker in brooklyn and i was like all right that's well i'm like it's a pretty iconic manhattan street yeah

heads up so then i'm like all right give me 30 minutes so i show up 30 minutes he goes oh we're not on the roof anymore we're in a woman's backyard because uh because some teens like they threw a party and like every show is a turf war now all right but then i show up to the backyard the woman's like you can't come in i was like why not so she's being awful to me and then so i had to like i was like well i gotta use the bathroom she goes no so i just had to go back up to the roof and like pee in the corner then i go back downstairs and she's like all right fine he can go on i'm like i've got like a 50 bucks and a cab to get here for a free spot you know so then i i go on she's heckling

me the whole show and i was like bombing So I was kind of hoping for a disruption. You know, she heckles me. I started hammering her. And to the point, it's like it's turning the show around. She comes on stage and grabs the mic for me. And she goes, get the fuck out of here. And my mom saw the clip. I posted that clip.

My mom was like, she could have given you COVID. And I'm like, I mean, i was just happy to be on stage for and also people were like why didn't you fight her for the mic and i was like well what am i gonna like it's her backyard why don't you beat the shit out of her why don't you punch her in the face comedian literally destroys heckler no but she like was like get the fuck out of here and it was like the one time my camera wasn't rolling it only got like the last part so i was like man the ugliness of this pandemic is kind of beautiful for comedy like so that's why we kept shit going wrong in the special we're like the

mic's going out the uh so i ended up getting i had a guy josh fear young uh a young guy just following me around videotaped me and then i was, I think we need more people. So we got the guy, Matt Salicus, who ended up directing it. We got the guy, Dom, his friend, who just shows up with a drone camera. So I was like, this looks insane. He's getting drones flying around, getting neighbors shutting their windows because they

don't want to watch my special. So we kind of, I kind of told him, get the ugliness of this because every special, you see curtains and you see like everyone's done up and like they're in a suit and in a theater. And I'm like, we're on roofs and not wearing shoes. Not wearing shoes. Like it goes wrong every night, but it's kind of like, when are we going to experience this

again? Let's embrace it. Right. What I didn't get, how, how are you sending mass texts? Because I think at one point you're like, I can't blast 150 people right now. Are you just texting, like, friends? Or is that like an app you were using? It was an app.

It's called Community. And it's like, basically, you can give out a number that people text. And you can answer. It's just basically like DMs. But it gets their location. So it's kind of good for the road. It's just basically like DMs, but it gets their location. So it's kind of good for the road where you can just be like, hey, I'll be in this city. You can just blast a small group like you put in a zip code or something. Oh, OK.

That's pretty sick, actually. Dude, it was great because that's how I was doing the gigs. Like some nights I would be like, oh, I need a roof on Instagram. And people would be like, I got a roof and a friends and a mic and an amp. And you're all sick. But other nights you will be like, I have a roof. And I'd be like, all right, I'll get the people. be like, I got a roof and a friends and a mic and an amp and you're all sick. But other nights you will be like, I have a roof. And I'd be like, all right, I'll get the people. You know what I mean? Wow. I didn't realize it was like that.

So it was not like a permitted event or you rent out a space or it was just kind of like, you know, find a spot, pop some chairs up and like fucking go. That'd be like rent a roof. That'd be the saddest. That's what comedy is right now. There's a roof renting website. No, I booked it. I booked it myself.

All the, all the things, some of the gigs I had to be like, meet me at this roof. Sometimes we'd have to, there's a part where I say these aren't Hamilton tickets. You got to over invite. People will just bail.

They're not like going to just be like, oh yeah, I'm definitely going to the roof. So I had to start charging people because i was like that's the only way they'll definitely show up if i get money from them because they'll have some investment i can't just be like free roof and expect everyone to come so uh yeah that was a thing and every night there'd be a problem there would literally be like well i'd be fighting with my director he'd be like the sun is setting we have to start and i'd be dude, there's six people here.

I'm not taping a special. Was there any concern about that? Like, I feel like some of those jokes were fucking so good that if it was in the right setting or in a theater, it would be like raucous, you know? Was there any thought of like, oh man, I wish I had performed that in the right, the perfect setting?

Yeah. I had a lot of those jokes before the pandemic. So i know what they sound like with walls and a ceiling so when you're doing it when you're doing it outdoors on a roof and i mean some of the roofs are good some are not so when you're bombing on a roof i'm like i just do 40 minutes of jokes in 20 minutes like it just goes into nowhere right i mean there's a couple times you can always hear people laughing, but I'm like that, that place should be like falling on the floor because of that. That was brilliant. You know, it's tough. And also, you know, a lot of the roofs I would just bomb.

I mean, we did a lot of nights, some shows. I mean, I did one. So an ex-girlfriend of mine works in art gallery. She's we're still like, I mean, we're not like close, but we're friendly. And she saw me trying to get roofs and she's like, I'll throw a roof for you with all my art friends and i'm like in my head i'm like oh art people they'll laugh and then i get to the gig and they're like studying me like i'm a fucking painting or something they're like they're just like i don't understand you know and i'm just bombing for like i'm so angry i'm in chinatown just eating shit on top of on a roof

of a chinese restaurant, just bombing. And there were nights like that where I just had to like – I find that hard to believe, man. Like because I mean a couple – you even call it out a couple times where like you were like this joke just keeps getting sadder and sadder where you know that you're pushing the envelope. And I can see some people being like, well, I don't think that's funny. But I feel like you're such – like I said, such a good joke joke writer i find it hard to believe you're actually bombing oh no there was some there's footage there's some nights there's one there's one on this i mean we had to cut out entire nights because there's one in the seaport where it's like just people they were like my fans and they just weren't laughing for some reason i was just like they would laugh guys they would

laugh when i would like melt down that's why i was like oh so it takes you breaking my spirit to elicit laughter that's fun i was just gonna say bombing on a roof has got to be dangerous because like bombing has you on the edge anyway without literally i could end this i could get out of this situation real quick i'll never have to feel this ever again i mean you're gonna bomb you think i're going to bomb? You think I'm going to bomb? Fuck you. I'm putting this back on you. Imagine that. The crowd's like, well, we should have laughed. If I were to jump off a roof, I'd rather do it on like a showcase show where some comic's got to follow me. Where it's like, oh, fuck.

I guess I got to go back into material. That is the best where you just snap on a crowd. And then I was talking to a comic by that the other day. But sometimes you just lose it. And then you try to go back into material. And doesn't work at all you're just like fuck you i fucking hate all you i hope you get aids anyway dating's weird and uh it's pretty tough i think the roofs the roofs were a lot of a lot of riffing a lot of improvising because because you have to on a it's not a showroom. And some of them were just weird environments.

I mean, as you mentioned, the No Shoes show, the cops came to that show. We had to cut the cops out because they weren't, we just were like, the cops are here, but we didn't get any footage of the cops. So it felt pretty lame. Like, what is this, Jaws? We're like, there's a shark somewhere.

We swear, we swear they're over there uh but yet again i mean once again like up over 300 000 views on youtube i feel like you can pretty much rest assured like a samarill youtube special is gonna fucking crush each and i hope i hope people keep watching i do have the fear that in three months people are like yeah why am i gonna watch that like i lived it why it's like when when that nicholas cage 9-11 movie came out i'm like yeah i don't want to see that shit i was here but no you know what i mean like like i said it's uh you know let's say there was no pandemic and i just heard like there's a new a new comedy special where this guy does it on rooftops all over new york city i don't know i would think oh that's a creative uh like a different angle to do a

special i don't think it has to be you know pandemic related really that's a creative, like a different angle to do a special. I don't think it has to be, you know, pandemic related, really. That's a funny, yeah, it's funny. My agent actually said to me, he goes, you know, pandemic or not, I think it was like time someone did a rooftop special. And I was like, no one's doing a rooftop special. No, but if you told me it's a roof. Yeah, I mean, I'm grateful for his enthusiasm. He's a New Yorker, my agent. So it's like he's into the enthusiast he's like he's very enthusiastic about he's like

i mean that was kind of what started it like the views i saw what it looked like on the drone and i was like shit this could look like the opening of manhattan like yeah right like how great would manhattan be if it was just about new york and not woody Allen fucking a high schooler. You'd be like, holy shit, this is perfect. Drones, maybe it's different for younger kids or if you've grown up with that type of footage and watching those videos. You show me a drone shot, I'm instantly like, wow. Yeah, high tech. Wow, this is beautiful. This is going to win my cinematography awards.

I couldn't believe it. It feels like a bare bones project to the i mean i'm the whole budget like i'm it's me i'm like i'm paying for like meals all that and to the point that like i couldn't believe we had access to this type of equipment i mean when i say i'm the whole budget like we'd go out like night five i'd be like i think we got this special let's go out and get fucking hammered and have a great dinner let's find a great dinner spot we'd all go out we get wrecked and we'd kind of bond you know me ian fidance or phil hanley whoever was doing a warm

up that night we get the camera guys we get drunk and uh and then we'd be like shit we missed something it was like five or six more of those dinners like we just had to keep how long did it take uh in total probably like 10 shows because we only used four or five. Um, and there were just, there were like shots from other shows we use, but like, where would they be like, no, this is beautiful. You got to nail it. And I'm like, the crowd would give me nothing. I'd be like, they're like, no, we can Sweden it. I'm like, I, you can't Sweden it it's outdoors. Like it's, it sounds weird.

When you Sweden it, you just hear like one guy, like, ha ha. That was funny i think i think it was you who posted the video earlier on in quarantine i think you were at the new york comedy club and you were talking about how maybe last year i don't know if you were a diva but you were like i was pretty like strict with where i was going to do shows like i wanted low ceilings like now i'm like yeah i'll take a. Yeah. Real conversation I had with my reps where they were just like, well, what do you like? Last year, I'd be like, I want a nutritional option on the menu. I'm sick of eating wings every night.

I want a nutritional option. I want it. I want security. I want. And now I'm really like, yeah, I'll do a fucking East River amphitheater. Why not? You know, I literally it feels like such an adventure because I had this guy, Josh, follow me around with a camera because he just wanted to document all this. So we're walking around like the housing projects in the Lower East Side and it's late at night and these three kids just circle us on bikes and one of them yells, fuck you.

And I'm like, ah, and then they then they bike away and I turn around like, did you get that? Like it really it turns into this adventure. So then I do the show in the East River and you're like, well, this can't get any worse. Mid set, some drunkard just walks over and starts pissing 10 feet next to me. And I'm just like, this is like, I told him like, don't film.

This is like humiliating for this guy. Don't film this. There's so many things that have happened. There was another show I did in Jersey during the pandemic where outdoors, this great restaurant and a guy in like a buzz cut just runs over to me and i'm i'm expecting him to hit me like we posted this and my caption guy toby wrote uh drunk rushes the stage and like he didn't rush it and i'm like

he he came pretty hard at me and he yells like fuck you there's a there's an exit behind the behind the stage right i saw that that was so ridiculous i said i a there's an exit behind the behind the stage right i saw that that was so ridiculous i said i said there's no exit behind the stage door and he was like and i finally just go are you okay like i'm kind of like looking at him like is this dude all right and then he goes yeah there's a fucking exit or whatever he said and i was like all right and like those are the things that happen and you have to go back to material at a certain point right and it's like it does get a little complicated you know of all those are the things that happen, and you have to go back to material at a certain point. Right. And it's, like, it does get a little complicated, you know? Of all those situations, the scariest one is still the kids on the bike.

Oh, yeah. The kids like that will fuck you. The Manhattan, because I live, like, down on 14th, and it's, like, I don't know if that's part of their typical path. But I, like, weekly, there will be hundreds of kids who just go riding their bikes by my house, or by my apartment, like, popping wheelies, just riding wheelies the whole time. It is, it's the most scared I ever am in Manhattan.

I'm terrified every single time it happens. They're so good at wheelies. Those kids can do shit on bikes. I'm like, you guys should be on fucking X Games, man. You're unbelievable. They are terrifying. It's scary that they talk shit and they also have that level of discipline. So you know they could make it.

That's the problem. It's not just bikes in New York. You've got to deal with the kids on the scooters. It's like if they remade the Warriors, it would be the lamest looking gang ever. But they're great at organizing. They must use community. They just somehow get hundreds of them together

and just like, yeah, we're all riding today, boys. Are you a Manhattan guy? I am. Where did you grow up? I grew up Chelsea, then the Upper East Side. Okay, so you've got to be a weirdo too. I'm a weirdo for sure. Were you riding the subway when you were like nine?

I was pretty young on the subway. I was in the bronx and like i'm always i've always had jobs in manhattan or been in manhattan but living in manhattan where you know you don't have a backyard you're not riding your bike as much you're like always out on the fucking stoop maybe and you're riding the subway it's you know you you had no you had no shot you were gonna be weird no matter what sam if you grow up in manhattan you're weird period i i have there was a lot of weirdness also my mom's an artist so there was like that on top like i was i was with my girlfriend and she saw this picture of me when i was a baby like

literally this is my mom my mom there was a picture of me uh she had like one of her photographer friends take this do this photo shoot of me as a baby and my mom just puts me in a little jean jacket and it's like holding me up my dick is just out like it's like this weird artistic shot where she's just holding me in the air like i'm basically like simba and the lion king but like this artistic shot and i was like oh this i had no chance to not be like a weird kid no shot that's my mom but that's that's like how my mom saw me she's's like, look at him. Yeah.

I could just see it like in Lion King. You know, she holds it up and then there's just a crew of Jewish mothers like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I always think that's like a trope in movies where it's like, mom, don't show my baby pictures. And it's like, you you know like the dick's grown but that one i might be like mom put that fucking put the dick away the jean jack dick i get it out of here your mom has been like she went to a store to buy a baby like they planned out that shot where he was like he was like let's now let's try a leather jacket now let's get him on a bearskin rug just posing, you know?

Yeah, it definitely is. I mean, you think of the times, like I think of being like a sixth, seventh grade kid like in Manhattan and like you go into those bodegas and you're like, you're always pushing the envelope. I remember like trying to buy Playboys. Yeah. And like, and you see the bodega guy and they should be like, they should be like,

no, you're too young. But instead they're like, no, Playboy's bullshit. Try club or hustler. Good, good, yeah. No, I feel like when you're too young but instead they're like now playboy's bullshit try club or hustler good good yeah no i i feel like when you're a manhattan kid you know you're you're at the bodega you're smoking cigarettes or buying a 40 or buying a playboy all that way ahead of the curve way ahead of the time it's good you get it out of your system you're like you're like you're in like eighth grade you're like you're still doing menthols exactly yeah there there is a uh a sophistication to it where it's like you know in europe when they're like yeah i don't know about that no no not sophistication but the way people think that because because there's like some like

because this is a cultural epicenter of manhattan they think there's a sophistication but we were just getting drunk with 40s like a year earlier yeah that's really all it is but it it's like you could handle yourself a little bit more than the next time maybe not sophistication but i feel like dude i couldn't i couldn't handle myself that's a problem it's like a problem you can't handle yourself now i can't i mean that's a good point i mean the but the problem is you know my parents would lock the door because they knew i'd come home fucked up so my parents would lock the door and i would i would have to like ring the doorbell they would open the door and my would, I would have to like ring the doorbell.

They would open the door and my mom would be like, good night. So she could sniff me to see how fucked up I was. And she would be like, wow, you smell. And I'd be drunk. So maybe like they were blowing weed on me.

I didn't smoke it. They blew it on me. But like one time I remember I, I passed out against the door, like so drunk. I just passed out. I kept bringing the doorbell. My mom opened the door and I fell flat on my face and started vomiting. And, and my dad said,

what happened to you? And I was so drunk. I just said, I had brown liquid. I had beer and we, I said brown liquid. So my dad said, see his latest call. So they took out like a Nokia, one of those like old Nokia phones. Yeah. And my dad said, find his latest call. So he called one of my friends and he goes, what happened to Sam? And he goes, we had brown liquid for this. For some reason, he also said brown liquid. And my dad goes, he's had acid. Take him to the ER immediately. I was just drunk. Did you go? Did he take you? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. There was a doctor came in. He was like, your son is just drunk.

Sir, your son is shit faced. It'll be okay. Yeah, there was a doctor who came in. He was like, your son is just drunk. He's drunk. He's fine. Sir, your son is shit-faced. It'll be okay. How old were you for that? I was young. I was probably like 13 or 14. Yeah, that's what I mean. I'm probably like 15, actually, then. My first time I got arrested, I came down to New York to spend some time with my friend who lives there.

I went to high school, like a boarding school. So the kid was from New York. And we came down. We spent the night in manhattan and i got arrested at nyu with a 40 uh i think it was a cobra king cobra and i was like so i had i got a court summons to show up in like two weeks on a wednesday and i was like a sophomore in high school and i was like how the fuck am i gonna get from rhode island to manhattan for my court date on monday on. And I was like – How old were you?

I think I was a sophomore, so I was probably 15. And so I have this grand idea where I create this big concert that I can't miss. And I tell my mom, like, OAR is doing this huge show in Manhattan. I got to be there. She's like, well, that's pretty cool. So she's like, yeah, that's fine. Like, you can take the day off from school. And so I asked for a ride to the train station

at like 6 a.m. Wednesday morning. She gives me a ride. And the whole time I'm like, I'm going to get off. I'm just going to plead guilty. I'll have like a minor underage drinking or whatever. I'll plead guilty. I'll pay my fine and I'll just get the fuck back to school. And as we pull up to the train station,

my mom just looks over at me and goes, so what are you going to plead today? And then my uncle, who's a lawyer, opens the car door and is like, I'm coming with you. And I guess they'd sent like a summons home or something, as they obviously would. And I just thought the whole time that I was

getting away, like she had no idea. That's incredible. Saved it for weeks. The cops really, I mean, I had that too i remember uh i was i you have those friends who are like veteran drunks even when you're a kid and my friend dan he's actually a bartender at the cellar now but i grew up with dan and we used to go out drinking all the time he was like a friend i do 40s within the street we'd have fake ids all that shit and i remember dan was such a jaded new yorker he was a year older than me and uh we're walking down the street drinking beers and the cops stopped us and made us uh fill out the summons and dan just he's not even scared he just

keeps drinking the cop goes you can keep drinking now that we gave you a summons because it's you know you know in my you know you can't be in trouble with the same thing and dan goes yeah i know the rules and he just keeps drinking casually. Those were like my friends when they were just like, we get it opposite. We know what happens. This is my first fucking rodeo. That's absurd. When you're doing that at the age of like 14,

there's something wrong, you know? It's just not natural, man. Yeah. Yeah, I know the rules. I've read the NYPD handbook uh chapter six this is like my my fifth time you know i'm a felon yeah he's like he's like citing double jeopardy i'm like i think that's i don't think that's for summons on the street i think they could still but all right i had two cousins uh the the jewish side of my family two cousins they lived on the on central

park west they're big ritzy bougie family they had a house and uh in the jersey shore and they called it the country house like that's how they were so city that like jersey was like the deep country it's like they're just not normal when you come up around here man it's just a totally different experience but uh but i also feel like that's got to be like incredible for comedy no yeah i mean i was going to clubs when i was in high school i remember seeing bill burr at uh at the comic strip and just being blown away and uh seeing david teller carolines and pat noswald of carolines i mean it was pretty damn special to see all those guys and uh yeah i remember uh i mean it's crazy i saw bill burr at comic strip then like a couple years later

i was in college he came down to my college so i got to hang out with him a little bit and then like another eight years after that we were just on a conan episode together and now i just know the guy it's hilarious how how time flies like that but uh yeah just seeing that level of comedy when you're young is pretty it's pretty cool i mean i saw a tell just like it was like jedi level shit i mean just seeing him work a crowd uh you know yeah it's good yeah it's good i mean a lot of people come from other cities and like this guy's incredible but like they're incredible in topeka you know if you're in new york city you're like oh shit david tell is like the funniest guy in the world it's crazy i feel like there's also such a like brotherhood or whatever you want to call it, community,

family and comedy. But like once you once you get passed at a club or you like put out a special or you have some success, you're like in with these guys. Right. I feel like there's a level of respect that it's like you're all like you always recognize each other, not best friends or anything, but it's like you'll get respect from all these guys that you may have grown up watching because I feel like you've earned it at this point. Thank you, man. Yeah. I mean, the comics, a lot of the comics that I've always revered have always just they turn out to be very generous.

And I mean, once they shit on you, you feel good. You're like, oh, shit, they like me. It's funny. It's like I mean, like I remember one night I was at the cellar and I was smoking a cigar on the steps with Mike Vecchione. It was my birthday. I was like, I'm going to have a birthday cigar. And a tell comes out of nowhere and he taps me on the shoulder and he goes, hey, Sam, you had a good set, but it wasn't that good. Cigar on the stoop. Cigar on the stoop. Good.

So, like, whenever they shit on you. Yeah. Like, you know, it's pretty it's pretty. It's pretty cool when they shit on you, yeah, like, you know, it's pretty, it's pretty, it's pretty cool when they shit on you. Like, all right, I feel like that's how they show you they like you. It's like, it's like, it's like a kid in the, you know, it's like when you're like three and you push a girl off the seesaws and they're like, he likes you, you know? Yeah. If comics are being, I feel like if comics are nice to you, it's like, oh, yikes, you fucking stink, dude. You bomb. Nothing worse than a's like, oh, yikes. You fucking stink, dude. You bomb.

Nothing worse than a comic going, hey, buddy. Oh, my God. What did I do? Oh, yeah. Am I about to get me too'd? What happened? Is this something you always wanted to do? Like, all right.

So here's the question. Do you remember, like, your first big laugh where you went, like, okay, I'm funny? Not even necessarily, like, in a club. Like, it could be just, like, at a family where you went like okay i'm funny maybe not not even necessarily like in a club like it could be just like at a family party or something the playground whatever yeah yeah in high school i was always i was getting laughs uh just being a bad kid like it wasn't highbrow stuff it was like it was like a teacher would call me and i'd lift both of my heads behind my head and fart and everyone would laugh and it was like it wasn't like it wasn't like you know it wasn't like oh shit that's carlin-esque it was more like me just i don't

know man listen some kid puts his legs above his head and farts that's that's that's the peak comedy in my book holy shit i remember i remember uh yeah there's a few lines in like in high school that definitely like uh you know like i remember our high school was across the street from a hotel. So there would sometimes be people naked across and, and it would just be, it was like the obvious joke, but I'd be the only one willing to say it, you know, in the class. So like someone would be naked and I would like stand up and be like titties. And everyone was like sheer and they'd be like, get out, Sam. So it was like shit like that. And then over time I was trying to go for witty.

Like I was like a bad kid. And then it hit like 11th, 12th grade. And I started like going for the joke that like included the teacher. So then they started liking me. I was like, oh, let me try to a presentation on it. And I, and I tried to make it a standup routine and it killed. And that was horrible because I was like, well, clearly I'm ready. Let me start hitting the mics. And then it was like people with like fucking forties just being like this guy fucking sucks. So it was like, it was like that high, that low. And then I would do like shows where my friends would show up, bring her shows and I would kill again. So it was such a mercurial existence where I'm like, I don't know where I am yet, but I know that it's a drug. When you get that good high, you're like, I got to get back to that good high. Yeah, we talked about it relatively recently.

I suppose maybe if you're a singer or a band or whatever, you're on stage and you see everyone singing your songs or dancing along to your shit. But other than that, the feeling of having a crowd just like in stitches. I don't know if there's anything that like compares to that type of the confidence and swagger and like cockiness that you must get out of it where it's like, I just fucking owned this room, rooftop club, whatever it is, you know? Yeah, it's definitely it's definitely so i needed something because i felt like i i came from a family of you know my brother and sister were just straight up

overachievers both went to ivy league law schools i mean for me it was kind of like i gotta stand out some way because i i'm not getting attention uh you know in that way i wasn't getting like academic attention what would you have done i don't i don't know i started to stand up at like 18 so i don't really have a plan b i think uh yeah i think it was just like what and also you start out as a comic you don't understand how much work it takes like i realize now like man i have to work pretty hard just to be like an okay comic but when i was 18 i think a lot of it was like well i'll drink for free at this job like i wasn't thinking like health insurance wasn't an issue for me i was like oh whatever

fuck health insurance i can get a free screwdriver whenever i want this is worth it uh and my mom i think was like hip to that where she was like i think you just like that you can get drunk and i was like ah stop it mom you know it's hammered brown liquor brown water but uh you know yeah i think and then over time i mean i loved stand-up it wasn't like but then i realized like oh david tell drinks a lot but he works his fucking ass off like this guy works so hard and then i'd see other comics like who i respected and the ones I respected were clearly prolific. And I, and I heard Colin Quinn say, you have no shot in this business if you have a drinking problem. He's like, you have no, he's like, it's already enough against you.

You have no, no chance. Wow. I mean, is there any way, I feel like, you know, you guys do like six, seven nights a week week like 25 sets a week is there any is there any way do you have to do that like do you know of anybody who's made it who's like yeah i go up on uh thursdays and saturdays and like that's it i think some people but they've made it through some other avenue like they have a huge podcast or they're like on a tv show or something i think the ones who make it it's like like you're never going to be a jim gaffigan and up twice a week. Like those guys are just, they're addicts, they're fiends. And, and that's, and you feel it in their comedy. And there are people that keep, they're famous

enough to keep getting like deals from Netflix or Amazon or HBO, but they're not, they're not good specials. A lot of those people. So if it's someone who's putting out a lot of work and the quality is high, then yeah, I think you got to get up like a psycho. I think you have to crazy. Yeah. Uh, are you still dating Taylor? I am. Yeah. Yeah. So I feel like that also is, it kind of works where it's like, you got to find someone who understands that, or at least has an equal type of, uh, you know, gig or drive where it's like, this comes first and it takes, you know, six nights a week for me. So Taylor goes hard and it's, and she writes so much and she's like, it's cool to be with someone who I'm like, Oh shit, I got to up my game.

It's like, it's fun. It's fun to be in a relationship where she's kind of, she's not annoyingly on, but she's always thinking of like what could be a joke and that I love that. That's true. I feel like guys probably often we fall into a sense of security where we're like, look, I'm the funny one. Yeah, oh, absolutely.

I don't even have to try. This is easy. If she's funnier than I am. You got someone challenging you there right there. You got someone there for the belt. I got nothing though. If she's funnier than I am, what do I bring to the table here? What do I hear from my looks?

A lot of guys, yeah, you're right. I mean, I have a lot of female comic friends who are like, I can't date. It's so hard to date because they're instantly intimidated. Right. You know, by like, and't date it's so hard to date because they're instantly intimidated right you know by like and uh i get it like i'm sure guys like if you're a guy and you've gotten laid your whole life by your sense of humor and then you meet someone funnier than you you're like fuck what am i gonna do i literally have nothing to offer you yeah i literally and it's like of course there's a page like what is she with me for my fucking bone structure? I mean, clearly, clearly, like my humor is all I have.

So if they're better than that, you're like, fuck, what do I do? I look like a Play-Doh doll that got stepped on. If you're not laughing at my jokes, I have nothing for you. My face is not the dick. There's nothing here, man. How long were you out in L.A. for? Because you guys were doing. Oh, my God.

You did a lot of what a lot of people did where it's like, all right, we're going to do like this for the pandemic because it can't be that long. And then you were going to every day fucking an hour post. And then it's like, oh, wait a minute. This is a lot. This is a lot. Because I actually got nervous. I was like, oh, shit, they broke up because the. Well, we went on a break.

We went on a break for a minute. Yeah, we went on a break. I mean, look, the love was still there. But I mean, long distance in a pandemic, I think we were both going a little crazy. So, you know, I mean, that's kind of probably why I did a special. I didn't want to think about it. So, you know, no, we went on a little break and now we're back. But yeah, it's tough. It was tough for me to be in L. I mean, I'm not built for LA. I'm, I'm incompetent. Like I can't drive. I, uh, I'm not a good, I'm not a good outside of New York city person, New York. I'm like, like, it turns out, uh, knowing which train connects to the end is not a useful skill. It doesn't translate to LA. I mean, that's the other, it's also like,

I'm just worthless. I don't have life skills out there. This is what I mean, dude. It's because in this city, where you grew up when you were 13 years old, smoking Newports and drinking 40s, you know this place like the back of your hand. You can dominate this city, but you're weird. It does not work. Nobody else gets it.

She couldn't work a lighter the other day because Taylor had a very religious upbringing, so I grabbed it and I did it, and she's like, see, you do have value. I need someone who needs a lighter. You have skills. Oh, a classic caveman providing for his woman. I made her. Taylor doesn't really drink, you know.

But she'll have a drink if I'm having one sometimes. Like if I make it like a girly drink. So I was like, you know what? I'll make you. I made a mango chili margarita chili salt rim. Really good. It's good for someone who doesn't. This is how I wean someone in alcohol.

I'm like, let me wean you onto a drug with the good stuff here. But she takes a sip and she's like, oh, this is so good. I'm like, well, this is my skill. I can bartend. I can light a cigarette. And that's about it. Those are good skills, though. I know.

Maybe we're the fucked up ones, too. But I'm like, I'll take that. You're not far off from me. Right. That's about what I provide. I can also drive. Yeah. We got you there.

She let me drive once and she was like, this will never happen again. She has friends in LA who have gotten in like car crashes who are, who can drive. So I can't imagine how much she worries about me. Same with my mom. I literally, Taylor and my mom worry about me in a way I've never, I mean, my mom was a single mom for a few years. So it was really like me and her against the world. And I think Taylor has that same thing. Like, please be, I'm with Taylor and my mom calls me and say, oh, mom, I got to, I got to call you back.

We just ordered food and it's here. And she goes, and you have a system for getting the food that's COVID safe. I'm like, yeah, we figured it out, mom. This, I don't know if you, I don't know if you've read any, uh, seamless, any website, they, they leave it outside. We're good. We're good. I used to have a bit where she true story. I was on the phone with her and she saw, I saw a dead pigeon. I was like, it was dead bird. My mommy was like, don't touch it. And I was like, yeah, I've, I've figured out life without you around. I don't know. Dude, did you see?

We had a guy here who went out to the bodega on his way back to his apartment. A fucking lynched rat. Like tied up with like a cord or something, right? It was like a string of some sort. I'm going to put the picture up here. It's the most disturbing picture I've ever seen. Was it auto-rattling?

Autic asphyxiation or what happened? I think this was a kinky rat. The rat was just trying to get off. He's just ever so gently swaying in the breeze and it's just this rat who has been hanged and I'm like, yeah, you're not going to see this literally. Some guy runs out. literally no mini David Carradine no

oh my god what the fuck he said he almost walked into it like he was looking down at his phone like a rat against his face that's the rats in this city it's like it is a bigger problem than people talk about

like due to the point and they're not even scared of you like they'll run into your shoe like they're like you're in my way like it's one of those things where i had taylor in town and every time when you have a girlfriend who lives in california you're trying to show off new york to her you're like this is what you're missing yeah you and but new york is like a shitty roommate that won't behave like it's like she'll come i I'm like, everything is good. And then rats just run out or see a guy in the subway with his dick out. I'm like, dude, you promised.

Come on. Dude, there's the, I was just reading an article. I think it was in the post yesterday about a Chipotle. I want to say it's on the Upper east side that they had to close because the rats won't stop attacking the employees four employees have been bitten and it's just like we're not coming to work anymore man like you gotta get this fucking problem the rats that's so new york that we just bend to the rats they're like the rats won't allow this we're sorry yeah i think i used to live in're sorry. I used to live in a block with like, if you live in a block with a lot of restaurants, you're just going to have rats.

It's disgusting. Can you imagine, you know, like Chipotle getting like Chipotle corporate getting a call being like, we had to shut down the East side branch. Like why? Well, the rats, the rats, the rats overcame us. Like, oh, okay. I guess there goes that business. It's, it's such a, I mean, think about that job.

Like your job is to dispose of rats. Like you're a garbage man in the city. That's a shit. I know they pay. All right. But it's like, it's a shitty job, man. Exterminators. And you can't exterminate. No, exactly.

You can't do they're getting, but you see these, I think it was like South Africa or something. There's like giant rats now. And I'm like, oh, that's like they're talking about like murder hornets. I'm like, I'll fucking I'm OK with murder hornets. Just keep those fucking dog sized rats. That's that's a problem. Do my my my favorite joke of the new special. It's so fucking accurate. Wait, before we tell you, I want to to is it is it weird to ask you what yours is i feel like that's like almost asking a parent what their favorite kid is well i mean i like the

closer because it's like it took a while to kind of figure out and because it was like it was a wacky night uh and so i mean i i love having a story come together but then yeah for like straight up bits i love the joke about my biological father who was petting a cat the first time I met him. And he told me, you know, he goes, I rescued her and I nursed her back to health. And I go, huh, so you did have it in you. That was one of my favorites. That one hits home for you, I think. It's fun to turn something that was like, oh, that hurt for a second and now it's funny.

I think the butthole joke is pretty fun, too uh because i like i like a butthole joke that makes fun of homophobia and also throws in a broadway musical reference that was a real new york it's perfection i was i was watching it probably last week the special and i texted kevin in the middle i was like this is the joke sam just told and it is 10 out of 10. That one was so good. I was dying. The execution, the comparison, like, I mean, it's exactly how I feel about Broadway. It's like, wow, this is actually

awesome. I should have given it a shot a long time ago. Someone who loves a good show, and an occasional finger in the butt, I was like, it's perfect. It's so accurate. When you write that, like, do you remember the moment where you know like you were sitting in your apartment and that strikes you or whatever and you know you've got gold is it something like that yeah yeah yeah why you know it kept kind of coming where the first one was i think it was like oh the buttholes

like what people will say that a finger in the butt is gay so immediately i was like oh that's like in my head it's like it's a homophobic statement but so i thought that was kind of funny because i'm like oh maybe i'm a little gay i don't fucking know you know right maybe maybe we're all a little gay because like they say that the g-spot for men is in the butt so let's examine that with that then i started saying so i was like what's a good analogy and i was like oh yeah you get called gay too if you like broad, if you're a kid. But I like Broadway. I don't know what to tell you.

I like. And then so breaking down like the buttholes like a Broadway show, you know, gays talk about the most. But if you're a straight guy and you never go, you're missing out. There's layers to it that just every single step of the way is so fucking true. I mean, I remember I remember like, you you know seeing musicals as a kid and being like when you're really young you're like oh this is uncool but then i got a little older and i was like fuck man les mis is deep yeah great right but like hey uh you know my mom took me to see cats when i was a little kid like they were my mom always wanted me to see broadway that was

like her thing that this is important i've been from a very similar family but cats is the only one we walked out of. The only one we left at intermission. It's so weird. It was. It's weird. I did not care for Cats. But I was a little.

I mean, now they have musicals that are actually good for kids. That was just the only kids one at the time. Now they have Mean Girls. Oh, yeah. I mean, I didn't see that. I love the movie. Mean Girls was great. I saw that probably

yeah i mean certain musicals definitely like yeah i i love watching them we taylor and i taylor's obsessed with musicals so she she and i decided to watch uh the guys and dolls with brando and sinatra one of the funniest things you'll ever, I mean, Brando singing luck, be a lady like Brando beating out Sinatra for the lead character in a musical is fucking, they call you a lady. You're like, what? This is not good singing. But I love Brando. So it is hilarious. And then you see, you know, the whole, the whole premise of it is fucking ridiculous. Like if I win this game of dice,

you guys all have to go to a meeting with me for like to, to find Jesus. And they're like, what? No, fuck you. I mean, it's so dumb and great. And there's also shit that like obviously hasn't aged well, like Brando, trying to get this woman drunk. And, and she's like, well, I've never had alcohol before. And he's like, it's like a milkshake, isn't it? And she's like, yeah, another milkshake. He's just trying to get this woman's shit face.

You're like, oh, boy. I love old musicals, man. Singing in the Rain, they crack me up. They're just fun. See, I haven't seen many old ones. That's actually something I should probably delve into. Taylor made me watch it. I was like, I've seen it twice now.

I love it. It's incredible. It's like you said, if you're not doing it, you're missing out. Honey, put a finger on my ass and put on Singin' in the Rain. Let's go. Let's have ourselves a night. I can have everything. All right, man.

Well, the new special is out. I mean, it's crushing on YouTube again. It's unbelievable that you found a way to, you know, the fact that it's out there for free, but still doing so well and you're still succeeding is unbelievable. And then the one day when they come with the bag, I think you should just be like, fuck you. But like, yeah, I'll take it. I'll take it. But fuck you guys.

So, uh... Yeah, I'll sign it, but with a middle finger emoji. You're right. I gotta... Alright, thanks for the time, man. We really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. See you later, bud. You know, it's, uh... I think that the Sam Morrell joke will do more to normalize butt stuff for men than I think anything, because it's just so goddamn accurate and funny that it's like we have to talk about this joke. And then it's going to lead to all of us admitting that we do some weird stuff with our butts.

It's a moment in time. A moment in time that's going to have people be like, I ordinarily would keep this quiet. I'm a little bit shy about this. But that was so fucking funny. We got to talk about it. Yeah. Also, I love Hamilton.

Also, my favorite song is the Schuyler sisters singing Helpless. So put a finger in my ass. All right, Josh Potter. Maybe Josh Potter needs a finger in his ass. That could be it. Josh Potter can't come, and he'll tell you all about it. I would have to imagine he's explored that by now. Yeah.

I'd imagine he's had a fucking plunger up his ass. So Josh Potter is from the Your Mom's House crew, vouched for by Tom Segura, funny guy, big time stoolie. And he's one of the more, like, open dudes. Yeah. Just like he'll tell you about his eyeballs. He's one of the more open dudes. He'll tell you about his eyeballs. He'll tell you about him coming and tell you about whatever you want. He's like, yeah, man, this is me. I'd say he's comfortable to us. Yeah, very.

We say a little too much. Very often. He's the third chair of KFC Radio type of interviews. So here we go. Josh Potter, let's go. Hey, hey. I don't know what's going on with my video. Ew. There you go. What's up, bud? What's going on with my video yo there you go what's up bud what's going on man how you guys doing we're doing good dude let me uh i'm gonna get it so it's here i'll sit on the other side what's up

rocking the hoodie i see i appreciate that oh yeah dude gotta send baby shay and baby keeks that's my man thank you sir i appreciate it josh potter joins us now this is a guy i was just explaining you know we've been trying to make this happen for a long time now we were always going to kind of wait until you were in new york in person but uh now with all this shit going on fuck it let's do it yeah fucking covid man i'm it's ruined a lot this year but uh this being one of them for sure yeah no doubt i i think it's gotta be towards the bottom of your list though right oh man that fought bad i thought for a second i was like boy he's letting that one he's just letting that linger really fucking you on that sorry about that i don't know what the hell's going on with my uh that was on

me obviously i guess we can hear you i can't see video yeah i'm going with my screen now here uh start video that's much better before you looked like you were in a fucking like al-qaeda cave you looked like you were doing like a Al-Qaeda cave. You looked like you were doing a terrorist video. It was all dark. Now we're popping. Now I can see that beautiful face. Yeah, I don't know what the hell happened there. Sorry about that. Is the audio okay?

Yeah, no, we're all good now. So yeah, this dates back to, I'm pretty sure, maybe the first contact I ever had with you is I sent you a DM and I said, what's with this whole not coming thing? Which has got to be one of the weirder openers. That's a bizarre DM to send somebody. Big time. Now, to be fair, when you were posting all over the internet that you can't come,

and the mantra was make Josh come, it's a little bit more normal, but in a vacuum, yes. If that's a weird DM, I've certainly, that's the most common DM I get, probably out of all of the DMs. You're like an e-girl with people asking to buy your bathwater. It's just asking about your fucking ejaculation schedules. My mom texting me thanks, happy Thanksgiving was more rare than me getting what's up with this cum situation. So for the people who don't know, if you're, you know know if you're a fan of tom and bird you keep up with all that that circle you certainly know but for the people who don't know what is up with your

coming situation josh well i don't know if you guys are because i know you guys talk about these kinds of things like it's not a performance thing it's like i still stay hard or whatever and i can perform the act but then i'm just gone or something. I don't know what it is. I just never finish them. It's just like I was going to say, Feidelberg, you have something similar kind of. 100% Josh. I'm completely with you here. In fact, I don't think it's that weird.

I think it's like. No, you were saying, you were just saying the other day, if you're hard, you're coming. If I'm sober, if I'm sober, I probably will. If I'm drunk, I'll fake it probably every time. But this is not a drunk thing. No, it's not. And, you know, sometimes I just get high to, like, so I can deal with it easier.

Because when you're sober and you're having sex and that happens, it's, like, even more alarming for the woman, you know? Like, a lot of them, like, some of them, they're just like, what's wrong, you know, am I not pretty enough or whatever? You're just like, I guess not, I don't know what to tell you. Gentlemen and fellas, don't say that. Yeah, you're ugly, bitch. Women don't really get that, that, like, this sex isn't about you at all. At all. Like, when women who get, like, they're like, oh, I like it,

it's a compliment when a guy comes past. Nothing to do with you. And when I don't come at all, nothing like when women who get like they like oh i like it's a compliment when a guy comes fast nothing to do with you and when i don't come at all nothing to do with the hottest person i had sex with came just as fast as i always do it's nothing this is 100 a me activity you're a spectator here you are nothing you mean nothing sometimes i think it's gonna be even worse because i'm like i feel like i need to improve but uh i'm learning more with reps and things so uh but that's that's the one problem you just didn't uh monetize it but uh you commodify commodify not being able to come because boy oh boy uh when when women are presented with a chance to find out if they are up to the task or not that's for sure yeah that so i mean so so tom threw you like the ultimate alley-oop the best wingman i've ever seen in my

life being like if you're a girl you think you can do it like fuck this guy. I mean, and then then that happened, right? There was I mean, the red carpet was rolled out. You just fucked a bunch of chicks who were like, I'll make you come. Yeah, I mean, so people are always like, no fucking way. This guy is getting laid or whatever. I'm as shocked as you are. I mean, it is not something that I've ever expected. You know, I did radio back in Buffalo before I was a part of your mom's house and all this other stuff.

And so when you're on the radio, like you have like this local sort of fame going on and you can kind of maneuver that into some things. But other than I mean, I have not seen anything like this. And I doubt many have, to be quite honest with you, in terms of just like the DMs and the volume of it all and everything. It's been wild for sure. It's been a wild year. I mean, some of the. I mean, you guys get a little bit of the DM action, you know, the DM perils, the pitfalls. Sure.

Just the. Sure. You know. But I think there's something to the challenge aspect where you had almost the way he was just saying the sex is not about, you know, you. In this case, they're trying to prove it to themselves. I feel like that. Like, yeah, whoever this guy is, whatever Tom says. So I'm going to make it fucking come.

And there was some very attractive girls in there. And I don't want you to take this the wrong way. But I mean, there were some girls, you know, who are above your pay grade. All the girls are above my pay grade most of the time like that is not speaking out of turn that is my brand okay so uh yeah i mean i'm well aware and yeah no it's been uh remarkable as a matter of fact but it's more of like um it's just been it's been very weird like now through you know like you go through the fire and everything like that you start to figure out like what you want now it's like do i want a girlfriend maybe i kind of do now you know what i'm saying so like maybe

that's the like missing link yeah like maybe i have to be like in love to come your dick is basically excalibur and you gotta find your King Arthur right maybe that's it maybe you are just the most romantic fucking guy in the world and it's you know it's like what's that Disney movie where it's like

you gotta get a kiss from your one true love like you gotta fuck the pussy that you love Josh that's all the Disneyney movies and that's why i'm trying to pitch to disney you know like this is a good a good trope to go down you know true love's kiss can make me jizz now how many times have you come in this in this uh saga do you come are you coming uh there was there was breaking news a couple of weeks ago on the show um where i did in fact over covid come once into a mouth without the aid of myself

into a mouth is so much weird it's like it's like they say like there's a difference between pissing in a pool and pissing in the pool yes Like that's how it sounds like I'm coming into the mouth. And that was like the only one. So, I mean, this started a decent time ago. So we're talking, I don't know, like almost a couple of years or 18 months of like of you just banging all these girls and just not finishing. Right, right. I finished myself, you know, on to them. OK, what's the word, exteriorly, you know? Yeah.

From the outside in. But nothing, it's all about, the whole key is being inside and then, you know, expounding it inside of them. But not a vagina yet. We've only had a mouth. That's why I, some people say that counts, and I'm willing to agree with them you know if it needs more research you know for the vaccine you know for the vaccine though we have 95% efficacy

we need to keep going we need to keep experimenting those people who say it doesn't count in their mouth are the same girls who were like 15 being like sucking dick means I'm still a virgin yes yeah it doesn't count against my number yeah right you are my rule was always like you're either sucking or fucking like if a guy's like oh i hooked up with the girl it's like you made out with her dude like come on i think there's got to be some sucking or some fucking involved for sure

but once sucking becomes involved then then it's you know that yeah so what about some fingers? What about fingers? You don't throw fingers in that category? You need some dick action to be involved in. You know what? I don't know that I would. Well, all right. Let me.

It depends. I think the finger situation. Like, let's say, I don't know. You're in like a bathroom bar. You know, back when the world was a real place. And you're like hot and heavy. And you slide a finger in or something. I don't know if I would say.

But if you do the old push on the stomach and you're making them cum and squirt everywhere, then I think that probably counts twice. That counts more than the average sex, I think. Dude, one of my first times ever fingering a person was right before a hockey game. I was in high school. I was probably a sophomore, probably a sophomore. And I fingered a girl right before a game, and I was, like, in our dorm, and I, like, ran up to the rink.

It was, like, kind of late. Just got dressed real fast. Came in between periods after the first and took my gloves off, and I thought I'd gotten slashed in the fingers and was bleeding just because I had never looked at my hand as she was on her period. Oh, my God!

I was, like, looking for the cut like a fucking soldier in Afghanistan. I'm like, where's the wound? We got to cauterize it. It was no wound. At least you had an excuse. You know what I mean? Like, you're like, I was playing hockey.

I don't know what the shit is. Yeah. Holy shit. What a savage she is. I know. Like, give me a heads up, girl. What a savage you are. You were just running around with no footwear.

It was like a weird thing. Cause I had just transferred into the school. And then like one of the seniors on the team was like, you got a finger or a grill before the game tonight. And I was like, okay, he's like a captain. And I was like, I will, I will. So I was like trying to close the deal and then like got a little kiss, a little finger in action.

And then like ran up to the rink late. Like, I don't know. I just never looked down. It was nighttime. I just kind of just got dressed fast. And it was, I mean, it wasn't like soaked. I wouldn't't know it was soaked in blood but it was right it was a solid amount of blood there jesus what a weird hazing by the way they're like you have to finger a girl yeah or i was gonna get fucking paddled if i didn't yeah but it's like oh twist my arm yeah my arm to finger a girl right it's wild we've all had horror movie though

instances right i mean like i've had the like there was a girl that i fucked on fourth of july like in a park in the daytime like under a blanket and then all of a sudden i'm like walking home and i looked down and i thought i like spilled beer on me or something i don't know what but it was like dark obviously and it was blood she had her period and didn't tell me in the park you know we're having public sex yeah again savage behavior i'm all for it in certain i have what it looked like i have two i had the one where this is on the blackout tour back in the old days barstool and we were in the dc area might have been in maryland and i slept with a girl and she was gone when i woke up and it was like literally like godfather like i woke up like it's like

looking for like the horse head at the bottom of the bed it was fucking everywhere and like we'd gotten drunk the night before i said what the like, what the fuck happened? I was, again, looking for cuts on myself before I realized, oh, this is uterine wall. And then the next night, we were still in town, so I slept in the other bed. But I got drunk again and fell asleep on a candy bar, and it melted. So I had to leave notes on both sheets for the cleaning lady being like look this one is blood but it didn't kill anybody this one is just candy it's not poop i promise and then the other one was we were in high school and we were at a party we're actually in watch hill which is where taylor swift lives now and uh we were like college kids had come to this party is that they were actually

a college team played at our high school rink. And then some of the players like coached our JV team. And those kids came to the party. They were like sophomores in college came to our sophomore in high school party. And I went upstairs like looking for a bathroom or whatever it was I was doing. And I went into a room and it was pitch black. And I could just see two legs up and a head down in them and the kid turned around and went shut the door and he had his fucking wings on he looked like he was

that fucking buffalo wild wings without a towelette and it was like it looked like a horror movie because it was just enough light to see what it was but the lights were out in the room so it looked like like in a horror movie when he's like like like in fucking stranger things when the demogorgon kind of gets caught and turns around it's like walking dead when you find out he turned into a zombie because he looks up at you and you've been eating a face you know exactly exactly i mean all of this it's a special savage to do that all of it is savage behavior like fucking in a park when she doesn't tell you I mean there are girls who are

but the mouth I put on him cause you could taste blood you're having sex with it but also I mean how many girls are nervous to sometimes let guys go down on them just their regular pussy they're like you know I'm self conscious let alone when I'm pouring blood out I mean that is I mean you know, I'm self-conscious, let alone when I'm pouring blood out. I mean, that is I mean, you know, it's chunky and dark. You got to fucking pull the tampon out with his teeth like you're opening one of those fucking jars.

There are those dudes, though. There are. There are those dudes. I call them jaws, man. They smell like chum in the water and they're fucking yo let me tell you this much you willingly go down on a girl who's got her period you're a fucking sex addict and an animal you have fucking problems and you need to go or a vampire or yeah or you feed off blood i mean that is how how desperate could you be for some

pussy how into someone could you be that you're like yes i want to eat your the lining of your vagina i mean that is just i'm gonna say this thing dude i i don't even think vampires if you ask the vampire like the best blood to eat they'd be like i don't even fuck with vampires are like me on thanksgiving like no no dark meat for me thank you very much what am i a fucking peasant i'm a mysterious one i i've never uh i've never um i've either been like aware it was happening and it was like an agreed upon we understand like it's okay or i've caught like the tail end or the very beginning. I've never been full blown surprised by the catastrophe, but you know what?

I usually, I mean, definitely feels different. You can tell. Yeah. You think you're killing it. Yeah. When you're like,

Oh girl, you real wet. And then you turn the light on. You're like, Oh no, no, I have to shower. Yeah,

you do. You do have to shower. It's a whole fucking thing. God damn. Oh yeah. So it's a whole fucking thing god damn oh yeah so it's like a horror movie have you have you um have you even are you even trying to get to the bottom of this you just not even care anymore because you're just fucking who cares um i have tried to get to the bottom of it what dr drew had to you probably yeah what did dr drew say yeah i was like was i like molested or something and i don't know or something he's like no you know this he's like no there's nothing like that he's like this doesn't say molestation or anything

there's no trauma attached to this it's just that you might just need a connection with a person and i was like that sucks but that seems like you wouldn't be able to get hard. That's the life. I'd rather been molested. What's that? I feel like if it was something where you truly needed to connect, you just wouldn't even be, like, the sex wouldn't even happen. You wouldn't even get hard.

You'd be like, I'm not into this person. But to not be, and it feels good. Like, your dick's, like, enjoying it. Well, I'm still a man, you know? I be, and it feels good. Like your dicks, like enjoying it. I'm still a man, you know, I feel like, like tits and shit, you know, so. Have you considered maybe you're gay? I guess it's just something about living with my wife. What about if you become a guy? Listen, people that's out of the other, you know,

the first question is about the cum that I get in DMs. The second question is maybe you're gay. Yeah. And to think I haven't thought of that is ludicrous. I second question is maybe you're gay yeah and uh to think i haven't thought of that is ludicrous i mean like if i were gay i would just be gay if i were gay i'd own hollywood right now it would be like i'd love to be gay in this world i mean shit being gay looks the coolest you could be like what's up steve you want to you want to go suck each other's dicks okay let's go and then you do it. They just fuck everywhere. We're in the gym.

I'll blow you. We're at the party. I'll blow you. I'll fuck you. I'll fuck you on the street. It's like. I think I remember that being a big thing during the start of COVID in New York when they were closing gyms and like gay guys like, well, we're going to fuck each other.

How are we going to fuck? I mean. Wait, close a 24-hour fitness? They stopped travel too, so they couldn't go tap their foot in a fucking bathroom at an airport either you know i mean hell they're blowing each other in airports the grossest places in the world they just do whatever they really want and because they're all like yeah this is cool there's no there's no stigma there's no judgment and then you know as as burt and tom have been exploring they give each other the best gifts. I mean, I'm just like, I wish I was fucking gay.

The only thing holding me back from being gay is the dick. You know, the blowing of the dick and having to get fucked in the butt. I don't even know if it's the dick. I think it's the kiss in a five o'clock shadow. Yeah. What's that about? I want to feel that grizzle on me. Girls who like beers perplex me.

Like, why? What's to like about this? It's like pubes on your face. That's what I don't understand either. They get soft after a little while, but even that's weird if you were to kiss a soft beard. I don't know. It's not for me. Like I said, I wish it was that easy.

I wish the answer was that I was gay. I would fucking totally. I'd be like, all right, I'm out. I'd have a party. I'd tweet about it and get every celebrity to cheer me on yeah i feel like it's cover a fucking magazine yeah it's easier said than done and i'm sure you know it's more complicated than that especially if you have no i don't family issues or whatever but when i see people who are like struggling to come out i'm like what are you

doing what are you doing just fucking do it it's gonna be great i promise you i'm not discounting the i'm not discounting the plight of uh of being a gay man or anything like that i'm just saying from where i'm sitting it looks pretty dope right that's like it's like the the people who are you know they're i think they're few and far between now but the people who still think it's a choice and it's like really dude you're fucking choosing to be married to that bitch meredith yeah like yeah if you could make a choice that's the one you'd choose. It's not a fucking choice,

bro. God, you know how much we would kill it right now? Like, like forget about if I was gay all along. If I just right now came out as gay, be the biggest headline. Like after 10 years of like talking and blogging as a straight guy,

I'm just gay now. We'd be famous. Let's, let's get gay. And also considered brave. Yeah. i'd be a hero and and when you're gay you get to say things you don't get to say now oh you have such a free pass we have uh our blogger here pat and he always says he's like it's i'm so lucky i'm gay because i'd be canceled i've been canceled 50 times by now if i wasn't whatever he wants man we got we have uh uh

snooki from the jersey Shore her co-host his name's Joey he comes in here and he's like oh I want to suck everybody's cock in here I'll fuck all of you he's walking through an office a place of work I'll fuck you I'll suck your cock you got a nice ass what is going on and we're all like popping it like, yeah, thanks, Joe. Yay, Joey. We love it. It's crazy. That's why I don't – I wish like if I could go back in time and be a little voice for Aaron Hernandez. Like think about how different it could have been if he would have just come out and been gay.

He would have been – he'd be on the $20 bill right now. You know what I'm saying? And one more, Tom Brady would have at least two more superbowl oh tom would have loved it i mean everybody he catches a touchdown in the superbowl and then runs to the end of the end zone and makes out with a dude like how fucking iconic would that that would be iconic slapping tom on the ass like if a player that good came out as gay you you run the league you run sports you're you know it's the end-all be-all instead he murdered like 60 people yeah his closetedness drove him to murder people

to overcompensate when in actuality he could have been a folk here yeah yeah i think the angel played a part too the heavy drugs yeah but and i know you know especially you know certain uh backgrounds and cultures all that shit makes it tough. But to think that it was like, well, I could either just tell people, yeah, I'm going to murder everyone. I mean, that's a big kill everyone with even an idea. Right. Anybody who even maybe would joke about it. I'll murder them in very open to kill everyone who's heard of homosexuality. It's crazy.

Be gay, man. Be gay in 2020. Someone just makes a joke like, nice drink, your order in there, Nancy. And he's like, what'd you fucking say to me? And then they just get shot at an intersection. That is literally what happened. Yeah. Someone bumped into Aaron, spilled his Cosmo on him.

He saw it was a red stain he's like fuck they know what it is it's what samantha drinks uh so so you'll just continue you know fucking fucking people until maybe you come again uh i mean the one girl who who did uh whose mouth he did come into uh that must've been a fucking like celebration. And I'm, I'm, I'm assuming she's aware of the whole situation. So she was probably like,

fuck. Yeah, I did it. Oh yeah. She's, she knows she's a, she's a champ. She knows she's a,

she's a real top tier. She's yeah. She is. She's a unicorn. So is that the one though? Do you, I mean, you just go,

keep going back to that. Well, uh, I mean, maybe for like a time or two, that'll be fun, but it I mean, you just keep going back to that one? I mean, maybe for like a time or two, that'll be fun. But it's not a like forever situation. Let's just put it that way. That's a tough like in any scenario, it's tough to maybe have the talk about like, are we something? But if you're a girl and a guy who notoriously cannot come,

you finally make him come. And he's still like, well, you know, I'm still going to see other girls. Well, she's not, she's on the same page.

She doesn't necessarily want this to be a forever thing. Yeah. Yeah. She knows the deal. She knew what she signed up for. She even told me, she goes, if it happens to happen inside the vagina, I know there's a cvs around the

corner like there's no way this is happening so she's game for all of it love it uh what uh so how did you end up getting getting falling in with with tom and and your mom's house christina and like the whole the whole gang because i'll tell what, out of everybody in the podcasting world and the comic world, I mean, that is way up there at the top of the list of the, of the people you want to fall in with. It's, you know, it's royalty in the comedy world and the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, um, I mean, I had been working, I've been doing comedy since 2008 and just doing the road and stuff. And, uh, I just thought I was going to do fire halls and bullshit like that for the rest of my life. I was like, that's cool. Whatever. I was on the radio. So I was like, I thought that would just be my life forever. Making like rinky dink local content.

And then I worked with Tom one weekend at a club and just like, you know, I've had weekends where I worked with guys that we like hang out and have a great rapport and like we go to dinner and blah blah blah and nothing ever happens from it this was just completely normal and cordial of a weekend and all of a sudden tom started calling me and being like do you want to come do this weekend you want to come do this weekend and this is before he was like selling tickets and stuff and then i watched you know Netflix specials and his career skyrocket and then all of a sudden the shows got bigger and bigger and then um he just made a pitch to me he's like if you move to LA I'll give you the rest of my tour back in like 2017 he said that and I so I was like I'm not gonna say no to that so obviously I moved to LA and after that tour was done there there was nothing beyond that. Like set in stone.

I got had to get a job out here. I was just trying to get past that clubs and stuff. And then he told me at the end of 2018, he was starting a studio and asked me if I wanted to work there. I had no fucking idea what I would do there. And here we are. Now I've got a show on the channel and everything and it's bananas. And I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why he picked me to do those things.

I have zero idea. I mean, I hope it's because I'm funny or something, but it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. Who cares? Like what the fuck ever reason he has is good enough for me. You know?

Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. It's crazy. So just started up for, yeah. Brand new show on, on his own channel. Like it's weird starting a podcast, like with the opposite problem being like,

usually you start a podcast and you're getting going and you're trying to build an audience. This one, the audience is there. Now I have to like keep them there. Do you know what I'm saying? So another there's, there's pressure in that. There's a lot of pressure. Like, I mean, we, we did KC radio for years. Like it was was this is when it was just once a week and podcasts weren't that big of a thing probably for like 10 000 people at the most that i mean just plugging away and like i don't know i never had the enough like for foresight to be like all right and then we're gonna get it to 25 and then we're gonna get to like i was just kind of like i don't know we're gonna keep doing this and maybe something's gonna happen you know

but like but so i was always able to kind of fall back for two things one for like material if you will i'd be like we could say whatever the fuck we want because like no one's really listening and also it was like a a built-in excuse where you know it'd be like yeah well this is just like a thing on the side we're doing it's not like that important whatever but in your case it's like you got a name attached to it you've got their reputations attached to it you have an audience right away that's listening uh it's it's champagne problems but it's definitely a dynamic that you have to like be aware of yeah 100 and now i mean it is all that I have considering the fact that road dates are off the table. And so it's like I'm putting my all into it. And we're about 10 episodes deep on episodes now. And it's mostly a solo podcast. So I tip my cap to just, you know, have somebody to riff off of is usually, uh,

almost necessary for, I'd say like 99% of people out there. So I commend you for that. Yeah. I'm lucky. I have a, you know, we have like a staff that works there that I can,

you know, play to. So there's at least people around, uh, that you can play to and things like that. So that's cool. And I'm doing guests once a month, uh,

like special episodes with guests, uh, that are in studio. And, we just had Rob Eiler from the Sopranos on. I was going to say, you said AJ on, right? That's cool. And I'm doing guests once a month, like special episodes with guests that are in studio. And we just had Rob Eiler from The Sopranos on. I was going to say, you had AJ on, right? That's cool. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He's hilarious, dude. I mean, I know you guys had him on at some point too, right? Yeah, part of my team. He was through your halls at one point. Yeah. He's a big stoolie guy. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, he was so much fun to have on as a guest.

And it's weird. It's actually weirder doing it with a guest than it is doing it alone. I mean, I'm sure you guys know once, you know, you have your rapport productions or yeah, like you're an employee over there. So I feel like I was basically, I mean, Nadav and I were employees one and two. And I don't know why. I mean, Nadav is the guy who runs everything there. Like he is the guy who runs all the behind the scenes stuff and hires the other people and does all the technical stuff. And I don't really know why I was hired. Like I said, like i have no i was helping out whatever i could i was like putting together desks and like chairs and shit like getting packages from the mail and stuff you know um i mean basically and then tom would just ask me like

what do you think of this bit or whatever and that would be what i would get paid to do i guess you know so i mean i'm i would take a fucking bullet for both Tom and Christina hands down, you know, I'm loyal to a T. So I feel like, uh, uh, YMH is, is kind of like a, you know, doing like a barstool type thing where it's like, like a YMH productions. And that was going to be multiple shows, like a network, multiple employees, you know, the live show elements. Like it's a whole enterprise now that I feel like has unlimited potential with the amount of success they've already had, you know? Yeah, I'd say it's like a like more aiming for a boutique sort of version. I don't know that. No, I don't think it'll be like a media conglomerate, but just the idea.

Yeah, you can just be, you know, but just the idea of you can just be, you know, if you make it, you can just be, I'm a, I'm a comic and I have my own podcast and that's, we make a shit ton of money or it can be like, and now I want to bring you under the umbrella and we're going to produce

this and we're going to do that. And, and they seem to be taking it, you know, a step further. So somewhere in that middle ground, which I think is like, Oh yeah.

Such a sweet spot. You know, like Dave's got a fucking run, like a company, you know? you know and yeah yeah but also do you want to just be like i do my podcast on my shows and that's it if you want something a little bit more but don't want the stress and responsibility your mom's house is like right there doing it they're the blueprint you know and you know and you guys know i'm a fan of what you guys do over there so it's like i uh i look to that as like uh inspiration obviously when i'm when we're doing like things i don't know about that maybe the other guys look at look at the other groups i don't know about you know this over here

uh i know you also you you've been uh trying to get the the the gaming twitch streaming going um i saw you played oh yeah i have nothing else going on man i'm streaming hours upon hours like it helped it's helpful for like oh i mean i have no open mics i have no sets yeah so it's not like i'm running material on there or anything but it's an outlet to just talk thoughts out you know what i mean and it's not like i'm writing jokes from it or anything but it's given me an outlet and yeah there's like you know 80 people watching or something like that it's nothing huge but i think about it in terms of like if i went out to do a mic tonight or if i went to a bar show to go run a set yeah there would probably be 20 people right 30 so it's more than that

but you're missing the like you're seeing the chat and all of that but you're missing the interaction you know like the direct laughter that there's nothing that will ever replace that we had an email uh an internal email here the other day that was talking about like the written blog getting back to like making sure there's enough blogs and uh did you read this nate nate had a line that was like he sent it at like 11 p.m yeah it Friday. Yeah, it was a terrible time. It was a outrageous time to send a work email. But he had a line that was like, if you post it here, it's like being – it's like you're performing in front of like a small club. If you post it here, it's like you're performing in front of a theater. And if you post it on the blog, it's like you're getting an arena's worth of people. I think he was basically saying like the idea of, yeah, I know you want to be on video and i know you want to be out there but the blog still

has like zillions of fucking people watching but it is interesting to to when you see some of these streaming numbers that maybe are low comparatively to other youtube numbers or other vloggers or whatever but yeah if you were if you were doing jokes before 100 200 people even 500 people you know that would be a big a big night you know that'd be a big deal yeah and instead we kind of like poo-poo it on the internet but like there's there's a lot of value in even that number too yeah and it's uh it's helped me you know supplement that need of like having that outlet it's also helped supplement some of the income i've lost from gigs i've lost this year and uh that's been nice too and it's so funny like i started out i was doing

like major league baseball the show like i do just sports games and people fucking hate sports it's so weird like in our world uh there are people that just hate sports for whatever reason so they get pissed that i play only sports games but i started out with my career in major league baseball the show and then i mean i remember watching it you you are a good uh promoter in the sense that you're like you're like potter's the best fucking player in the league man like i'm the mvp i hit like seven home runs last night i was like watching i'm like following your career on on instagram like what the fuck am i doing what's going on here there's that and then like it's so funny because then i saw like i was doing that and then i started doing where like i bought the bills uh and i was gonna be the bills owner and because the bills are my favorite football team and then

i saw you know big cats doing dugs and i'm like motherfucking well that was like this yeah yeah and he's got like this team making videos and shit and i'm making i'm over here making videos on my phone like while i ride the bus and i'm like that had to be voiceovers and shit that for for the true gamers of the world the people who have been on twitch you know since twitch started putting blood sweat and tears into their franchises and their streams trying to get up to you know know, like I said, 500, 1,000 people. And then Dan just strolls in and overnight has, like, 250,000 people watching him. I mean, that must have been like, fucker. I don't even give a fuck about the gamer people. Or, like, I understand the numbers differential, too.

It was just so, like, discouraging, like, seeing, like, the video production Jimmy had. And he's got, like, magazine covers. I'm like, Josh, he found a I'm like, he found a human. He found a human to produce, to promote. That was his coach. I mean, it was the ultimate, the perfect store. It was one of those things where I go, I have to step up my fucking game here. This is like, this is the big leagues, but yeah, though the human, I mean, he's doing great too. I see him doing Christmas carols and shit.

Yeah. Yeah. He's a great guy too. He's really nice dude. You guys really find the people. I see him doing Christmas carols and shit. Yeah, he's a great guy, too. He's a really nice dude. You guys really find the people. I love how you do it. Alright, speaking of stepping up to the big leagues, it's time for Answer the Internet. You ready? Oh, I'm down. Fucking ready? Hell yeah. This is a very interesting

one for you, considering I don't even know what goes through your mind when you're fucking, because you're probably just sitting there going like, please come, please come, please come. Would you rather your girlfriend be able to read your thoughts during sex or all the time except during sex? During sex, 100 percent, because they're about her at that point. At least I can, you know, well, you know, you know, she'll catch a couple that are about her, whether good or bad. At least they'll be about her.

You think I mean, have you you've never closed your eyes and thought of an ex or another girl or another, you know, a fantasy girl. I don't do that necessarily. I don't really do that actually. Cause it's more about just like, I don't know. I never really did that, but I definitely could assure you that outside of sex, if they were to enter my mind, they would see some really negative things about them.

Real bad PR happening in those moments. They're like, they're not even like particularly angry things. It's just like, God, I wish you would stop moving in bed. I'm trying to fall. It's just like, oh, I'm sorry. Am I disturbing you? Like, no, I wish you couldn't hear my thoughts yeah they would hear so often like why are your clicky sounds on your keyboard on your phone like i would just be like what kind of imbecile puts the clicky sounds of their keyboard yeah that's all i can do a little thing do you understand how loud your nails are

like why don't you cut those because i can hear those click clacking away let it out john let it all out bud i had a girlfriend who used to like hum in the morning when she would be getting ready like like a disney princess almost and i liked it at first i'm like oh my god she's like a disney princess i pictured like animated birds flying around her but by like two weeks in i was like throwing things at her i'm like will you shut the fuck up i'm trying i don't wake up at 6 a.m yeah god i get up at 9 30 i have a big boy job okay i got that 9 30 and go record my podcast how about you let me get my fucking beauty sleep please um okay what movie most recently made you cry? What movie? You know what? I don't know what movie, but that fucking commercial they keep playing on Sunday Night Football

with the little stuffed animals strapped to the grill of the truck. I cry every fucking time that plays. You know what I'm talking about? So you got real depression, huh? Yeah. You know you're fucked up when you're crying in commercials. I had that happen once. It was an insurance commercial, and I was just like, oh, boy.

We got to call the therapist and move this appointment up real quick. I ordered a lot of Sad Boy merch during Black Friday. All right. We actually had Gary Goldman on Tuesday, and we were talking about the Great Depression. And he was like, yeah, no, it's always been a dream of mine to monetize my mental illness. And I was like, we're selling great sweatshirts over here gary killing bud come on down you know all right there is a four stall bathroom with a glory hole in each stall behind three of them is a super hot chick behind one of them is a dude are you putting your dick in the glory hole yeah i mean do you know it um here's the thing here's the thing do they reveal themselves

at the end of it yes once you finish you hear good enough bro i mean like you're putting it in and you know three to one i can tell right away if it's a hot girl to a dude i feel like you think is it is it a good a dude who's done this before yes let's say it's a gay guy yeah and i bet you gay guys then it would be then it would be tough then it would be tough you know then that would be tough but you know what you might get surprised you know you might go like that was one hell of a job then go oh it's the guy yeah why not just throw your i feel like uh uh the average gay guy probably sucks dick better than the average girl straight girl i know a couple of women who have gone to those like remember in that what i forget what film it was 40 year old virgin maybe i don't remember which one but andy blowjob party uh yeah those

are real women go to those well i've heard of them i think a lot probably have to because in my experience i don't think i've ever i'm sure i've had like a bad blowjob whatever but like just even in watching porn you can watch a porn and be like i mean she's just putting her mouth on it that's not even a blowjob so like and that's a profession but i feel like girls need to do that as like like you can you should be able to tell if a guy is lying to you being like, you're, that's the best blowjob I've ever had. It's like, put on some porn. Does it look like that? If it doesn't, then it's, then he's probably lying to you and it probably stinks.

You know, some, some women really just don't, they think they're good at it and they're not. And then some just aren't good at it. So like, I would imagine, like you said, with the gay guy thing, here's the, here's the worst case scenario. You put your dick in the gay guy thing here's the here's the worst case scenario you put your dick in the glory hole it's the guy he blows your brains out and then you go like huh that's interesting you know what i mean or you fucking i don't see it well i don't know maybe maybe that's in your head it's like maybe you're chasing the dragon for the rest of your life like man if i ever want if i ever want head like that again i gotta gotta go gay. I gotta call Carl. I get how you said some girls are good, some girls are bad.

I get if you can't deep throat or any of that shit. But also, I think it's objectively easy to give good head. I feel like I would suck a dick. It's a sign of intelligence. You know what I'm saying? Like, real

daffy girls, they're like, I'm gonna suck your dick. And then they're just like really bad at it. You know what I'm saying? But then like it's also a personality thing. It's just like, you can tell just like the empty two-dimensional girl that has really nothing there is gonna suck your dick bad. But the one

who's like fucking... There are dumb girls that are savages where you're like, holy shit. But you know what I'm saying? I just think it's something to be like, I want to try to blow this guy's dick really good. And I've seen porn. I know how to do it, so I'm going to do it. It's like they're attacking a job at work.

Just make it a mess. Just make it a fucking mess and whack it around and do all sorts of different shit to it. I think the problem is girls get so defensive about it. Every girl's like, no, I give great head. I think most guys are like, I fucking suck at sex. Yeah. I'm not going to get your hopes up. I fucking stink.

Maybe if we're texting, I'll say some things that probably aren't going to end up happening. But most of the time, if we're just talking, I'm like, look, this is, it's going to be fine. It's average. You're not going to call your friends and be like, I just saw God. You're not going to fucking run out of the room either.

It's going to be fucking. But I think most girls do get lied to at some point. Yeah. You guys are, you guys are both pretty tall though. So here's the thing. When you look at me, you have low expectations when it comes to sex. Like, you're just like, this is is gonna be weird or whatever i don't even know so i always come into it just like accepting those low expectations and then like

all i have to be is just satisfactory and it's like holy shit right but look at you you know what i mean one of my favorite stories ever is one of my so i i got two buddies i got a couple of buddies mostly two and one's pretty short and one's quite tall. It's probably like 5'8 and 6'4, something like that. And the 6'4 guy was talking to a girl in a bar one night, very pretty girl. And they're hitting off and they're going real well. And the short guy steps in between the two of them, looks her dead in the eye. He goes, look at me.

Look at him. Everything in his life has been handed to him. I'm going to fucking break your bed because I need to fucking earn it and he went home with her he was like all right i mean i gotta see what this is all about it's a good sell it's a good sell everything every girl just hands themselves to him i gotta work for it you gotta earn it that's that bagel boss energy right there um all right if you could fuck anyone he wanted but they die immediately after, who do you pick?

I pick Tommy Lahren. That's a great answer. I don't know if I want her to die, but that is a good one. I don't even care about her political career. I just know that people wouldn't be mad at me. You know what I'm saying?

Well, I don't know actually. Jay Cut wouldn't be mad at me yeah well i don't know actually i mean you know jay cutler might be mad at me right yeah isn't he fucking yeah well there was rumors about it yeah like the 2a people might get mad at you but there'd be a lot of other people like yeah you know but also the 2a people are the people you don't want to piss off yeah they, the ones with the guns. I don't know. I think they're sick of her, too, though. They'd be like, yeah, thanks. She was kind of bothering me anyway.

Good for you. They'd be like, they just want me about fucking her, too. But I feel bad. I don't want you to die, Tommy Lahren. I think you're hot. She is hot. She is very hot. You are probably really fun to hang out with, and I don't want you to die.

I feel bad saying I want anyone to die, but, you know, but you know that's what i just want to fuck her that bad would you rather have all music or all tv be in spanish oh well i'm gonna go blind someday probably so i'm gonna say tv what's up what's up with the eye situation what do you got there i got macular degeneration and uh it led to a bunch of detached retinas and then eventually i i lost my sight in my right eye altogether which blows but uh you know it's whatever yeah it's fine now so you you gotta rock those all the time yeah yeah yeah 24 7 no there's no like is it is it that um there's no contacts that even replicate that, or you just choose to wear the contacts? No, I mean, the contact thing would be weird, because I've got this

just weird eye. I mean, it's just like, cover it up, you know what I'm saying? Why don't you go with the eye patch? Somebody's brought that up to me, too, but it's like, you're in Starbucks with a fucking eye patch, you got little kids looking at you. I don't want to draw any more attention than I need to. The eye patch, I think, every time I see someone in an eye patch, and it's very I actually got little kids looking at you. I don't want to draw any more attention than I need to. You know what I mean?

The eyepatch, I think, every time I see someone in an eyepatch, and it's very rare, but there's a nice – what was the guy's name? Was it Mysterious? The guy who wrote the book The Game. Oh, the peacock guy? Yeah. Yeah. He would pop one on every now and then for fun.

There's a mystery. There's a certain – You have a story to go with it. There's a certain something to the eyepatch. You're like, all right, I might be scared. I might be turned on. I'm not sure. I'll figure it out. Yeah, but you see a guy like that at, like, right age, you're like, all right, relax.

You know what I'm saying? Or they just look sad. You're like, oh, my God, was he in a war? You know what I mean? But I'll tell you what. I mean, these questions are flying through their head. That's true. I think the eyepatch, if you're going to go eye patch,

you got to start rocking like three-piece suits. Because the eye patch and sweatpants is a little like, what's he have? That's what I mean. But the eye patch and like a three-piece suit, you're like, that is a. Classing it up. That dude's like in a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Right. There's something to that.

Now you're talking a whole lot of effort, though. It's just one of these things where it's like, I just want to go about life and just be as invisible as possible. That's the fucking as impossible as possible and i already have a hard time doing that yeah i already have a hard time doing that now i'm gonna put an eye patch on it this is one that maybe you kind of uh maybe you've experienced this have any of the girls that you've uh fucked through through make josh come then come on the show and talked about it? Yeah, because, yeah, this question here is, would you fuck a would you fuck a porn star if afterwards she held a press conference on your performance? So you've gone through this before.

I mean, I haven't I've done both the things separate from one another. So. What you fucked a porn star and then you've but and you've had a girl give you a press give the press conference yeah yeah yeah did she give a good review of you the girl yeah the girl on the air i mean it's available i don't remember what episode it was i think it's even a clip on the ymh clips channel but was she like hooking you up or was it an honest and on you know is she pumping you up i think it was she had no reason she had no reason to lie i mean like um yeah so i mean it wasn't like it wasn't it was like uh you know she could have very well tore me tore me apart if she wanted to i said like feel free i don't care you know

what i mean like no one's expecting no one's expecting a good report card here you know what i mean yeah the ultimate like keep the expectations low here you know yeah i i actually wouldn't mind any woman who i've slept with talking about it afterwards i really wouldn't at all in fact i would encourage it like i wouldn't mind if they went about i think the more they talk the more as long as it's not like a catastrophically bad review no you have a girl be like you know it was a good time and time. And it's like, that's enough. Yeah. I mean, there's, I've got some comic colleagues out there that got a few girls talking about them in a not so great way right now. Yeah.

You're right. You're right. I don't have to worry about that happening. And I know that. So that's kind of why I would prefer the right. Right. You know what I mean? It was a perfectly legal, consensual, enjoyable evening that, you know,

two adults loved. Yeah. Yeah. All right, man. Well uh we appreciate the time and uh so the new podcast is out under the ymh umbrella what's the name of that tell people where they can find it and where they can get you it's called uh yeah it's just called the josh potter show and it's out every tuesday uh morning on the ymh uh youtube channel just so click subscribe on that if you already subscribe to it you already get it and if not go subscribe and it'll come out every Tuesday and it's on uh iTunes and all that for all the audio people all the places you can listen to podcasts and if you could rate and review and

subscribe yeah man it's like the the day that we can figure out how to truly compel everyone to go rate review subscribe and just the get them to understand how much it fucking matters. It matters so goddamn much. Please just do it. I was one of them. I was one of these people who had no idea and now I'm in the world and I'm getting the education of how much it means to it. So hook your boy up.

Yeah, man. Anytime. Let's do it again soon. Have a good one. You too, buddy. Have a good one. You too, buddy. Have a great one. Later. I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life of you. It's only right. This is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. To my life. To my life The soundtrack to my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Uh-huh

Yeah Uh-huh Yeah, no, no Yeah Yeah