KFC Radio - Scorsese's "The Audition" with DiCaprio, De Niro, and Pitt Cost $70 Mill and Made $0 Ft. Sam Jay

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

Timecodes: 01:24 Slop bucket 07:38 Turns out Will Ferrell movies are funny 09:31 Scorsese movies 15:03 The Audition cost $70 Mill and made $0 19:48 Fun Fact: left handed outfielders born in Donora, PA 46:05 Talk to Me is very good 59:22 https://twitter.com/FeitsBarstool/status/1705212849608438018 01:03:50 Video Voicemails 01:29:37 Chris D is killing it 01:32:29 Interview Preview: Sam Jay +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Stacker2 Energy: Buy Stacker2Chew Energy Gummies and B12 Energy Shots at Dollar General, where you can find all your favorite Stacker 2 products, or go to https://Stacker2.com. Pirate Water: Go to https://drinkpiratewater.com to find Pirate Water in a location near you or order on gopuff Gametime: Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). CBS: Buddy Games, new Thursdays at 9/8 Central on CBS and streaming on Paramount Plus Celebrity Mint: Follow @thecelebritymint or visit NY Comic Con Oct. 14 as they launch on eBay Live via the eBay app with Nature Boy Ric Flair & a chance to win $2,500. Hello Fresh: Go to https://HelloFresh.com/50kfc and use code 50kfc for 50% off plus 15% off the next 2 months!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. De Niro and DiCaprio? What? What? De Niro, DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and Scorsese? This movie never happened. No. This movie never occurred.

The audition. 2015. KFC Radio is presented by Stacker 2. Loud, aggressive, and straight out of the Attitude Era, Stacker 2 is the OG in the energy and supplement space. As the OG podcast at Barstool, I always appreciate OGs in any industry, and Stacker 2 were the first. First to market, they were the heavy hitters in the energy and vitamin supplement game.

And they're still doing the damn thing in 2023 with their stacker to chew gummies and their stacker to B12 energy shots. The chew gummies have more caffeine than other gummies while being small in size and price. They look like the little pink starburst. And I like that. Sacker chew, chew gummies and energy shots are designed to give you maximum

energy while still tasting amazing. The Stacker 2 B12 10,000% energy shot provides 10,000% of the recommended daily value of vitamin B12. Stacker 2 chew energy gummies are a bite-sized burst of delicious energy that help you take on whatever comes your way.

Bite back with this stack. Head over to stacker2.com or head over to Dollar General where you can find all your favorite Stacker 2 products, including the Energy Gummies and the B12 Shots. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's your boy KFC, your boy Feidelberg, back with another edition. Do we have an interview today or are we flying solo? Sam Jay.

Sam Jay on the show, one of our favorite comics. Sam's the fucking best best sam sam is a gangster for sure so she'll be at the back end of course we'll do our voicemails uh i got a good m.i. the asshole i'm sure john has something from his the deep dark depths of his brain or his stomach or his asshole or something i saw the slot bucket this weekend what did you think of it? I mean, it's not the most visually appealing, but I'm sure it tasted great. It's fine. Like everything else in the world. I mean, listen, your stomach's a Slot Bucket.

It makes all the food up in there anyway. What's the difference? It was, I had my friend Cam text me back, and she was like, so you have to warm people before you put something on a timeline. This is a particularly good version of the Slot Bucket. I was going to say, that looked like PG-13. I've seen you do some NC-17 shit. and fucking beef dude this is i've seen you get kinky bolognese box shit is crazy man um um the the speaking of the slot bucket this morning i got on the train and i'll be honest i've had the toots but it's whatever and yeah someone said to me like he's gonna be farting All day next to you tomorrow

And I was like Bro All day We do this show together We do the next show together We're gonna be on Rundown together probably I'm just gonna hear

And listen to your fart And smell your farts For the next six hours That's got nothing to do With that That's the dairy Bro I had I ordered $170 last night

Of food But it's I actually Yeah I actually Don't order That much food anymore i cook like most of my food something's happening with seamless like it's they are jack and it's quite right did you get like surf and turf i got three small pizzas those are probably like 21 each it did that that total up i got three small pizzas and an appetizer meatballs and that was 110 bucks and then i got insomnia cookies later in the night and that was 50 bucks

how many insomnia cookies six six cookies is 50 and two milks yeah that something is going on yeah are you sure you're not tipping like a fucking They only give you the little milks too Yeah So I can do those And also the vanilla flavored stuff That's not That's not milk you motherfuckers Yeah that's disgusting

Um Vanilla flavored almond milk It's just cause it's white Yeah No It's like vanilla flavored Comes in like the little fucking cartoons on it Like my child

No fuck you By the way one of them They accidentally gave me strawberry milk So that sucked Dude But whatever That is something I've had

I got a beef with strawberry milk so that sucked but whatever that is something i've had i've i got a beef with strawberry milk garbage who and why who created that who was like you know what's good milk and then somebody a fucking genius said let's throw some chocolate in there and change the game forever and then some other asshole said let's make it strawberry yeah you know you know what that was chocolate milk was a dude strawberry milk was a chick no doubt some dumb chick said we needed to be strawberry bro i don't know i think i i can picture the kids who drank strawberry milk in school all guys all pedophiles like you ever see a kid like they were pedophiles. Like, you ever see a kid? Like, they were pedophiles as children. Like, this kid's fucking disgusting. I don't know what your deep, dark secrets are, dude,

but, like, all the kids who drank strawberry milk are in jail. You know what it is? It's the marketing. Like, if you gave me a strawberry smoothie, I'd be like, that's good. But when you call it strawberry milk, I start to get grossed out. Nah, strawberry's one of those artificial flavors

that doesn't translate. I love strawberries. But, no, I love strawberries. grossed out. Strawberry is one of those artificial flavors that doesn't translate. I love strawberries. But I love strawberries. Strawberries and bananas are arguably two of my favorite fruits. I do not like the flavors of either of them. The only strawberry milk I like is with Lana Rhodes, if you know what I'm talking about, man. I'll never forget that, dude. I was in a tub full of milk with strawberries and rubber duckies doing weird things.

That's when I became a man. Porn takes you to an interesting place. But anyway, I was on a train today, and this woman came and sat down next to me and gave me, like, a look of, like, you fucking stink, you disgusting animal. You do. You are. The entire row across from me was a homeless man sleeping. And I was like, it's not me, dude.

It's crazy to get on this and assume it's me. Are we not going to talk about this as a huge red flag that there can be a pile of homeless human and someone looks at you and goes, it's that guy? Like, I was wearing exactly what I'm wearing right now. You know what you're giving? You're giving Slot Bucket. What the fuck? You're giving Slot Bucket. fuck? You're giving slot buckets.

It didn't possibly cross your mind that it could be that guy. Now, I'm going to be totally honest with you. He was you. You were for it. No, I wasn't. But he was a well-put-together homeless guy. There was a chance you were like, that guy's like, it was just a white tee, black sweatpants, and Jordans.

So it was like, that guy could just be like taking a nap. He's just going to be tired. But it's the fact that it was it was the full full bench the only people the only guys are yeah the only people who who are you you can be dead tired you can be drunk you can be crazy you don't take up a full row yeah unless you are like this is my home right you are in my there is nothing you can do to make me move yeah like like this is my home right you are in my there is nothing you can do to make me move yeah like like this is it guys leave me alone um yeah there there's just you know same thing like when you see a whenever you see a empty train car you're like oh i got lucky no

no yeah that is filled with piss and you will take one step on and one step off because it will smell like the bottom of a toilet but but there has to be some part of you going, maybe they thought I was homeless. I don't think so, man. I think I'm looking fine today. I would too. But also if someone mistook you for the homeless guy, the proof's in the pudding, John. Maybe she just didn't like me. I don't know.

But I was like, you can't give me a stink eye when we're sitting directly across the aisle from a homeless person. You just got that punchable face. People say that about me all the time. Really? That I have a hateable face and a punchable face. And it's really, when you think about it, just the meanest thing you can say. Just the general look of you and your altogether disposition forces me to think about violence and anger. Great, man.

Actually, that reminds me. I have been doing something this weekend. And... Oh, boy. I've been watching Will Ferrell movies. Let me tell you, that guy is funny.

Breaking news. Will Ferrell in the early 2000s. was a run i was i was watching anchorman 2 i think i only saw it once i was like this is pretty good but there's a scene where jack lime uh our boy james marston is like he's like it's your thumb by your face i just want to fucking punch and he's like trying to change it there's only so many faces i got um I watched Anchorman 2 twice this weekend. I watched Anchorman 1. I watched the other guys. I was just... That's crazy behavior.

I was dying, dude. Anchorman 2 twice? Yeah. Is weird. Bro, I watched Anchorman 2 twice and I watched Seven Psychopaths twice this weekend. Like you watched it on Saturday and Sunday or you watched them back to back Like no

Like in the morning I watched it And then I woke up And put it back on You watched it fully through Yeah And then put it back on And watched it fully through again

Yeah It wasn't like Oh I fell asleep in the middle Let me start in the middle again Uh no Seven Psychopaths No Both no

Seven Psychopaths I was like I'm getting tired So I stopped watching on the couch And went to bed And then But I finished it I ended up tired, so I stopped watching on the couch and went to bed. But I finished it. I ended up staying up.

So I finished it. You need betterhelp.com. Betterhelp.com slash KFC. Watching two of the same movies, particularly those movies, doing the morning and then morning, noon and night doubleheader is crazy. It is a little nuts. Owen texted me because I tweeted about seven cycle paths Saturday morning. And Owen texted me something else about it. And I was like, dude, it's so good.

I'm starting it again right now. He didn't reply. Because he's like, oh, I don't want to have to tell my friend he's depressed. It's funny, man. I actually tweeted it, and I don't think it's crazy. I think Colin Farrell and Martin McDonough are a better duo than than dicaprio and i actually went so far as to look up like obviously it's with personal preferences we're thinking about but like like the three highest rated dicaprio scorsese movies are departed wolf wall street uh aviator and i think it's weird. I think that The Departed and Wolf of Wall Street are like, the topics are just kind

of like generic. You know what I mean? I think that... I'm surprised those are the ones that won the Oscars and get all the acclaim. I think those two are... I don't think they won Oscars. Didn't he win for Wolf of Wall Street? Maybe he won for that.

Martin Scorsese only has one Oscar. Right. For what? The Departed. Right? No, I don't think so. I don't what? Was it a part? Was it a part? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I thought that's what it was.

Because I remember being like, you know, it's a mobster movie and it's a good one. I really like it. But it's like, out of all the shit these guys have done. That's what I was thinking with. I would give the rewatchability and like the comfort watch or whatever. The best director. Okay. rewatchability and like the comfort watch or whatever best director okay he was nominated for uh the irishman and wolf of wall street and hugo and the aviator and gangs in new york

17 nominations and one that's like to me you know i think that like gangs in new york yeah goodfellas uh i i don't know this movie, but Raging Bull is like, you know, they talk about that being like this amazing picture. He's actually, I started this morning. I didn't finish it. I don't know that one. I started this morning. I didn't finish it, but he's the cover story. He's like the expose in GQ this month that I started reading.

It's very good. I feel like, I think people regard The Departed as almost like a make-up call. Like, we got to give it to them before it's very good but i i feel like i think i think people regard the departed as almost like a make-up call like we got to give it to them before it's too late yeah yeah uh but that and then leo and then leo yeah leo yeah so i just and but people talk about wolf maybe they didn't win with wolf of wall street but they talk about that one it's like they did these you know period pieces and these these like covering like howard hughes Hughes and these mercurial, interesting, historical figures. And the mob movie and the Playboy spending money movie is like – I don't know. It seems weird to me that that's what people – maybe that's actually – that's what people like.

It's almost like that is the way it should be. I actually do – with those movies, I do with what Scorsese does with marvel where scorsese is like i think he said it's not cinema or something like that yes and which is true but it's also like you gotta stick up your ass when i watch the mcdonough farrell movies i'm like that was a movie that was that was a fucking movie like that had like that were like between Inbrews Banshees Banshees And Seven Psychopaths I'm like That's a fucking movie

And those three are They're good I don't have a problem with them They're very good But I'm not like Whoa That was like I could pick three others

I'm not like the writing was incredible The cinematography was incredible I'm like That was good I had fun And that was two hours I actually watched Wolf of Wall Street I think I saw

I know I saw it in theaters And I liked it But that was probably. I had fun, and that was two hours. I actually watched Wolf of Wall Street. I think I saw it. I know I saw it in theaters, and I liked it. But that was probably it. And then it came on Netflix recently. I watched it again. I liked it a lot. I liked it better. You know what the word is? It's like debt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Jordan Belfort is like, yeah, he's a fucking billionaire, drug addict, womanizer. It's almost, it's very Marvel movie-like. It's like, here's the pieces. You know what those should have been? There they are. When they had that. Which is good. I don't have a problem with that. It's just It's very Marvel movie like Yeah It's like here's You know what those Pieces There they are When they had that Which is good

I don't have a problem with that It's just like Right Well that's yeah I actually usually Am arguing the other way And when the Oscars Had that one category

For five minutes That was like Supposed to be like Just like most enjoyable Movie of the year Yeah yeah yeah It should win that But like best picture

Best director Best actor Should have been to All the other shit That they did And even like Banshee Is like I wouldn't even know

if I'd say it's deep it's just like well done the script is incredible the writing is so good like at the end of the day it's kind of just a story about

it's actually a service level it's just like a story about two guys there is like you could do like these two brothers fighting for no reason and the Irish Civil War

is happening but that is almost like there's so much going on in Wolf of Wall Street and The Departed. Bam, bam, bam. Double cross. Like that's what that movie relies upon. Whereas this movie relies upon like the acting or the dialogue and the gravity because it is just like a guy being like, why won't you hang out? So that's where I think it's like anybody can paint a masterpiece with like a whole bunch of fun,

wacky, wild shit going on. But you're depressed. Don't get me off track here. Can't watch two of the same movies in one day. It is. But yeah, like it's obviously it's a personally, I'm not going to argue, but like those three movies from Colin Farrell and Martin McDonagh are, I like, I would say the best one of them is In Bruges.

And I'd say the best is The Departed of those three for Scorsese. I like In Bruges better. I would say Banshees is two. I would say Wolf of Wall Street is two. I like Banshees better. I would say Seven Cycle Pass three, Aviator is three. I like Seven Cycle Pass better. What is – let's see.

Collaboration chart for these two. Gangs of New York, Aviator, Departed, Shutter Island, Wolf of Wall Street, The Audition. Okay, I forgot about Gangs of New York. So Gangs of New York I would say is one then. I still like In Bruges better, but like Gangs of New York and In Bruges can go toe-to-toe all day. They're two great movies. Shutter Island's a funny one that people love. People don't like Shutter Island.

I like Shutter Island. I think it's a little bit of a cult classic. Is it? Maybe that's not the right term. It's not cult. But people who like it really like it. Yeah, I like Shutter Island. Yeah, I mean, it's just a cool...

What's the audition? 2015. De Niro and DiCaprio? What? What? De Niro, DiCaprio... Brad Pitt and DiCaprio? What? De Niro, DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and Scorsese? This movie never happened.

No. This movie never occurred. The audition. 2015. Written by Terrence Winter, directed by Martin Scorsese, it stars Robert De Niro and Leonardo DiCaprio playing fictionalized versions of themselves who travel through Asia and compete against each other for a potential role in Scorsese's next film.

Brad Pitt also plays a fictionalized version of himself, makes a cameo appearance. This movie never happened. That never happened. That really couldn't have been the most interesting. Oh, wait. Okay, okay, okay. Running time, 16 minutes. This is like a short film.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I was about to be terrified. i was about to be terrified i was about to be like i have dementia if there if there was a movie with those four guys that i didn't know existed i would have i would shut this down right now and go to the doctor and be like doc something's wrong with my brain i can't ever play the dozen again can't play the dozen if i don't know about this movie they gotta stop okay a comedy short because was gonna say, I was about to say, this movie sounds like it sucks. So that's why it was trash. But okay, yeah.

But this is nuts, dude. The budget to make this was $70 million. What? That's just like, I mean, it couldn't have made a dime. Yeah, gross. $0. It made no money. It just says $0.

It's $70 million. Yo, you want to have fun for 16 minutes? The run is about $70 million. They made an episode of Out of Order for $70 million. That is awesome. Marty said to the fucking execs, like, hey, me and the fellas want to clown around this year. Give us 70 mil. Pabst was telling me that some YouTube comment was talking about how much we spend per episode.

And they think we spend $60,000 per episode on our board. Yo, that's the highest compliment anyone can make. Like a compliment? Like, yo, the budget must be like $60,000? Or like a hater being like... I think it was a hater, to be honest. But it was like... All the better.

It was... They work at some studio, and they were like breaking down what stuff costs. And they were like, it probably costs them like $40,000 to $60,000 to make these shows. If that isn't truly the greatest compliment of all time, that... Paz was, like, loving it. I mean... That dude...

I think total, we've spent $500. Yeah, for real. Like, in the seven months. I mean, yeah, listen, like, there's salaries involved. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know,

breakdown producer salaries by the hour or something. But, like, that is... Someone could look at your your your your second job you're you know you're like your passion project and be like that's a fifty thousand dollar production and it's zero per month per month dude how do you i mean how could you even be a big enough fan to watch and comment and know barstool and think that that's $50,000. Yeah, just cut $50,000, $60,000 a month. But I also, at the same time, don't blame them.

Because if I knew nothing, I mean, I don't know anything about budgets, but if you just showed me that and said, do you think this costs a lot of money or a little money? I would say it costs money. Yeah. Because it looks that fucking good. What are they?

We just have good cameras or something? I don't know. Paz is a student of the game now. Paz is always, like, watching, studying stuff. I know, man. Yo, that's the way to go. It really is. And, like, you got to combine it with a little bit of talent. He just has talent and an eye for it.

But, like, you can just bootstrap this shit and, like, teach yourself, watch YouTubes, read, you know, find, listen to podcasts about this shit and, like, just do it. And then when you have the talent, you go to, like, a high level. But you can go from zero to, like, proficient, and you can go from proficient to fucking baller. If you just do it, try. Just put in a little bit of effort. I would say, like, I love that we were, like, on the same page pretty much with editing when he first came in.

And then all of a sudden I was like, what the fuck? I don't know when that happened. I don't know when he took the fucking time to, but we're clearly not. Should I just practice? Should I start making the KFC radio episodes like a big full feature film? Everybody has their strengths. You're more on the mic and he's more behind the camera. I'm totally fine with it.

I'm happy for him. He's killing it. It's just so funny. Yeah, no, I would have said that too at some point. It's like Jackie and Pat. Pat and Jackie. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know if Jackie's ready to produce an episode of Out of Order.

I don't know about that. I also, this weekend, I have two things. One, I learned maybe the greatest fun fact of all time. Ooh. It was in Nate's Power Rankings last week. I've done no research on this, so after I say it, we'll check it out. Okay. Do you know that Ken Griffey Jr. is second all-time in hits for left-handed outfielders born in denor pennsylvania on november 21st

is it barry bond uh stan musial stan musial what the fuck i'm gonna look it up now i wanted to say it with full confidence uh that is a bizarre that's a crazy thing right that's that's the stuff that that makes me think there's you know i don't know time travel or glitches in the matrix and shit all right so he's got stan musuals 3630 career hits um born november 21st In Pennsylvania I'm pretty sure Yeah, Griffey doesn't have that many So I'm sure he's second to Musial in hits

It's more about whether it's birthday And his town What town is it? I thought he was from Cincinnati Maybe it's Ken Griffey Sr That would be No, it's Ken Griffiffin jr born november 21st denora pennsylvania wow that's great that is like there's something in the water in denora pennsylvania and some shit

wow that's like uh kb was talking about it recently the uh algonquin pennsylvania which is like a very small town that we're like five legendary football players are from. That kind of stuff, I guess sometimes it's like, you know, it's a program or something like that. Like, like I can understand where. But no, it spans generations. OK, like and the only reason I know. Is because the only reason I found out about it I can't tell you

I think there are like five I can only tell you two it is Darrell Revis and Ty Law are from there but I remember before the Falcon Super Bowl

what Super Bowl did Darrell Revis win? I think it was Falcon was it? no no no it was Seahawks before the Seahawks Super Bowl Fuck what's his name It was like a local Boston guy

And they were doing the pre-game talk And stuff like that And Ty Law was like That's my cousin dude whatever And later he was like So you guys are relatives what's that like Ty Law was like No we're guys are relatives, what's that like? And Tyler was like,

no, we're not. I'm just talking like my cuz. Like it's... It was a real like... You guys are actual brothers? That's great. We're the worst. We're so awkward as a people. But they are from the same hometown, too.

So I guess it's such a reason. That's funny. So you're related. No, we're not. We're still a cuz. You know what I mean? Game Time is the exclusive ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. Created by fans for fans, Game Time is the ticketing app that makes it easier than ever

to score last-minute deals on tickets to sports, concerts, and shows, and they guarantee the lowest price. I'm sure Arrowhead was a sellout, but could you imagine if there was tickets available? Just loan tickets here and there. Swifties would have paid $50K to get in that building just to catch a glimpse of taylor swift up in the booth i used it to go to radio city recently i saw ben schwartz uh ben schwartz and friends if you've seen middle-ditch and schwartz i saw the improv live show it was awesome it's really really sick

it's crazy to watch um but got you in the building i also never been to radio city that's my first time at radio city i think you know what i went to at Radio City? Avicii. Really? At Radio City. What? That was when I remember saying EDM has completely

jumped the show. Yeah. Because we all went and you have a seat. Yeah. It's like, you know, you're at a rave. You can't like rave

when you're at a seat, you know? So people still dress like assholes and people were still like fooling around in the aisle and stuff But it was fucking Avicii at Radio City

I was like this is nuts What are we doing here So whether it's music or sports Or comedy Any sort of live entertainment GameTime makes it all possible They have the best and biggest last minute price drops With their technology

They also get you in the building into seats That you never thought you could afford Also if you can find a better price They will match it with 110% of the also get you in the building into seats that you never thought you could afford. Also, if you can find a better price, they will match it with 110% of the price that you can find elsewhere. And they have flash deals. You put your notifications on. And the best thing, I think, is that it just takes two clicks and 10 seconds to buy tickets. And then you can just text the tickets to your friends.

You don't have to have them open an app or use a QR code or any of that stuff. It just gets passed along right to them. Skip the hassle and enjoy the moment. Go to GameTime.com or download the GameTime app. Enter your email and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. But the other thing that's been weighing on my mind, because I've talked about it with a lot of people this weekend,

is the Hasan Minhaj stuff. Hasan. Hasan. on my mind, because it's been, I've talked about it with a lot of people this weekend, is the Hasan Minhaj stuff. Hasan. Hasan. And I've been explaining it to people, and most people have the same response. I'm a crazy person. I'm, like, screaming it at people.

Did you know? Do you know he's lying? But I think it's almost, he's lucky that, you know, they were all successful, the specials, but, like, not overly widely seen. Yeah. So, like, I was talking to my aunt about it, and were all successful, the specials, but not overly widely seen. So I was talking to my aunt about it, and she was like, I was supposed to believe that his baby got anthrax? I was like, if you watch it, yes.

Because she just read it in the article. And I was like, yes, if you saw it, yes. It's not told as a joke. It's not a punchline. She was like, oh, I guess that is different. There it is. There it is. There it is. I think this is the most confused I've ever been about content in my life. I generally, I would say 99% hit rate what my response is going to be.

Yeah, yeah. Like, I know there's, forget about just like personal hate. Like, that aside. Whether people like me or hate me, whatever. The, like, response of agree or disagree i could give you like the percentage breakdown i bet you i would nail it every time and like i said i was afraid i was like this is shitty by hasan but like i don't want to ruin him not only did it not ruin it was just the total opposite i was like wait what did i like say something wrong did i upload the wrong video? What is going on here?

The fact that in this world, so politicized, shit like that. If you lie about racism and terrorism, that's like the LeBron James thing and the NASCAR thing. Those were huge. And this one is just, nope, nobody cares. Nobody cares. It is very weird. But in talking about it, when I like – I get – I was like not – I was anxious talking about it because I know everyone thinks I lie about stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've done some serious self-reflection this weekend, and I think I'm the fucking biggest truth teller of all time.

I – time i i like like i get awkward people talking about i'm like almost like thinking about what other people are thinking and i i was like where are things made up and i think i came up with three and i came up where in like your heart like where where are emotional truths okay in storytelling in my stories that i've told i love this and i think i have three One Is in The E. Cole-Wise story When I say my mom Didn't come in the ambulance With me I don't remember what she did

I know there was another time She didn't come in the ambulance With me I don't remember what she did That time It would stand to reason That she just doesn't come In ambulances

Because she didn't The other times She's not an ambulance girl I don't exactly remember What she did that time Two Was In the story When I uh the in vermont when i'm like

hitchhiking and all this stuff i talk about how when i'm on a payphone and a car pulls up and i'm like someone got killed here recently and i like freak out all that happened on my mind wasn't the person who got killed I wasn't like Oh no someone got killed I was like this car Is fucking weird What the fuck Later I was like

It's probably a good tidbit That a woman was just killed here Yeah yeah yeah That happened too In that moment Right In that moment I was just like

Why is this car here With the headlights on me Right I wasn't like A girl got killed here recently The Saint Michael Slayer Might be after me Yeah

That wasn't something That was actively on my mind But the fact It makes the story better Yeah And three If you find the Sadist for the Boys guy, I'll give him all the fucking money.

I've always said, if anyone fucking tracks down that guy, I'll give him every penny we made from Sadist for the Boys. Keep that same energy when we find them you are uh i guess it's it's it's like when um when we yell like do research and then we always say like no i don't expect people to do research you know and if you are just like a casual listener or come across an episode for the first time or a video or something, some of those fucking stories are wild. I can understand people being like, that's not true. I don't know.

And just leave it at that. But if you're like a real listener or even like a real hater and have like just watched the way you live and watched everything unfold, it's like act is stranger than fiction, man. I was like very intense talking about it last time because I know what everyone thinks. So I was like, I'm going to think of when I exaggerated or lied. But the fact that you can just pinpoint it is almost like proof positive. You know what I mean? If you ask me, what's your...

I couldn't even think of times. I don't think I have these stories or anything like that. And then when I fucking thought of the... I was like, those are fucking – I think – she didn't come in ambulances with me. I'm pretty sure she didn't that time either. I don't remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure she didn't come in the ambulance that time either. And again, those are like – those are not lies that like – It wasn't a lie.

It's just I don't remember what she did in the ambulance. She usually didn't come in the ambulance but even if that was that's not like a material lie that changed yeah you know what i mean i went to the hospital enough times that i remember she didn't come in ambulances i don't remember what she did that time most of the time she didn't come in the ambulance she's like i'll meet you there yeah i just don't want to ride in the back of this thing I remember when I was telling this story Years ago And uh It was like my sister's birthday And we were partying at Martha's Vineyard

And we had like Rented a We got like a dance floor In my parents backyard And we were doing karaoke And partying all night And like one of my parents' backyard, and we were doing karaoke and partying all night. And one of my sister's friends' husband was doing karaoke. Someone called the cops on us, but the cops took so long to get there that the party had ended.

And I forget what song he was singing, but when the cops showed up, it was just him in the backyard singing. It might have been Rocket Man or something like that, alone on the dance floor. And the cops were like, what the fuck is happening who called the cops what is going on right now and my sister was telling that story to another one of her friends on facetime and her friend's husband came in it was like that's not true you stole that story from kfc radio and she was like no that's my brother we're at the same party yeah and he's like wait that's not true. You stole that story from KFC Radio. And she was like, no, that's my brother. We were at the same party. And he's like, wait, that's true? That moment and the cop at our show was like the end of Big Fish.

You know? You see Big Fish? I don't think so. Oh, that's a great movie. It's about a father-son relationship. And I think it's Brian Cox. Or no, the other one who looks like him who acts and talks like him i always get the two mixed up anyway um he his whole life told

these like tall tales and his son is billy crudup and he's like it's just like i wish you would just like tell me the truth and like blah blah and then when he's dying um at his funeral like all of the characters from his life show up. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah. Realizing that it was true or at least told in truth or whatever. When those two stories happened,

I was like, it's all true. Also... The cop was crazy. It was like, my dad's the cop that woke you up. I was like,

oh shit, we got the Vermont, the Montpelier. It's up there somewhere. Yep, we kept that one because that's not only... That's evidence. Shout out to Montpelier PD.

Yeah, there you go. That... Well, also, I never doubted it ever, because I know people who do that type shit, you know, and it's like you can smell it on them right away. Yeah. Like, you're telling me this guy, who does nothing else for clout, actively works against his own clout, and like stardom and fame and attention and

all that other shit but this is where he decides to just be completely fake and phony like okay guys but yeah those i remember those moments i felt like vindicated yeah fucking cop is here i was i was walking the facetime one's even better because that's just like a you're a liar and then it's like it's like uh you schooled up kfc radio oh my god it's all real um but the uh yeah i was walking home um uh i went to bench sport saturday by the way a crazy thing to do if like to call out your friends your your wife's friend on FaceTime? Even if you were right, you're a fucking liar! Wow.

That's Feidelberg's story from KFC Radio. You know me. My name is Feidelberg. Yeah. Right. But the... That's a big story. I was taking the subway home, and I was thinking about it. And I was like, wait, I fucking never do this.

Fuck yes, dude. like, thinking about it. And I was like, wait, I fucking never do this. Fuck yes, dude. I, like, got excited about it. Because, again, I was, I don't know if you could tell, but I was like, yeah, like, pussyfooting success. I was like, I know what everyone thinks. I was pussyfooting around just because it's, like, I don't like to. I was pussyfooting around for both reasons. Yeah, like, we don't usually, I don't ever care to, like, specifically take someone down. Usually, like, if someone is going down, and those are the facts of the matter, we'll talk about it.

But I'm the only one fucking talking about it. So I feel like I'm at the center of it. And at the end of the day, it's just I don't think he or I are a big enough deal to be that big of news, I guess. I thought he was a bigger deal. I think he's all but got The Daily Show. I think if it was like already happening, maybe it would be bigger. Maybe when he does, it will come out. I don't know.

We'll see. I keep saying – I don't know if I've said it on – I don't know. Have we had an episode since that episode? I don't think so. Because – so, okay. If you didn't see it, like, Hasan was lying about a bunch of the stories in his special. And it's got to be one of the all-time pr spins whatever whatever pr company came up with that is truly worth their money because it fucking

works like we'll just put comedian embellishes as the headline we'll make it all about the rules of comedy rather than you know the the facts of the matter and everybody just went yeah that's duh and if they like called their shot if they they're like, listen, no one is going to watch this special, read the article. I'm just going to read the headline. You'll be fine. That's exactly fucking what happened. But if you are the host of The Daily Show and you make your bones by trying to trap people and roast people and catch them in compromising positions and press them because you're smarter and wittier than them in an interview, and they can always just fall back on anthrax lies and racism lies and terrorism lies,

it's going to be very hard for you to do that job in that manner. You can do your job and whatever, but if you're going to be the, like, Jon Stewart, like, eviscerates guy. I don't know if this show is so much that anymore. I've never seen a clip. Trevor Noah eviscerates. Yeah. I've seen him do, like, just opinionated opining that's passionate about, but, like, I haven't seen Trevor Noah eviscerate. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen him do like a, like just opinionated opining that's passionate about, but like, I haven't seen like Jon Stewart used to like catch motherfuckers and lies

and grill them and all that stuff. Um, if you do that, like, cause you know, anybody who's going on ready to do a little bit battle is going to do an ounce of research and be like, Oh,

this guy has no credibility. You know? So it depends on what the daily show, uh, what comedy central wants the daily show to be. They're on life support. So I think they just of research and be like, oh, this guy has no credibility. So it depends on what the Daily Show – what Comedy Central wants the Daily Show to be. They're on life support, so I think they just want it to be like you're a star with a bunch of fans. Like, okay, maybe you have a couple skeletons, but we need your fan base and we just need the attention. So you're on the morning show. You're a good-looking guy. You've got a huge fan base behind you.

Like, let's do it. But if you want it to be credible, I don't know. That's a tough one. That's a tough fan base behind you. Like, let's do it. But if you want it to be, like, credible, I don't know. That's a tough one. That's a tough one to give up. But if there's anything else we've learned, it also doesn't matter. He could come out and be like, this is all true. I lied. And it doesn't fucking matter.

Because that's just – when the internet – like, you have, like, the initial wave of opinion is just – it's like first impression. It's just – that's it. And like some people will learn the truth along the way and maybe switch over. But like I think once that reputation is made, it's pretty much over. Yeah. Unless it's like, I don't know, something fucking crazy. You need like physical DNA evidence in a case to overturn or something like that. Otherwise, people just already made up their minds.

So they got away with it, you son of a bitch. Hassan. I'm not doing Huston anymore. overturn or something like that. Otherwise, people just already made up their minds. So, they got away with it, you son of a bitch. Hasan. I'm not doing Hasan anymore. I don't know why I find it so hard to say Hasan. Because I go Hasan Minhaj, but it's still Minaj, right? So it's Hasan Minhaj. I say Minhaj. Yeah. His name's probably, you know, Frank Jones.

It's probably not even... Calling all campers on CBS. Summer isn't over. It's just the beginning at camp buddy games. We're about to all do a game show here at Barstool sports for a hundred grand at CBS buddy games. They're doing it for 200 grand where a bunch of guys and probably gals get together, reunite with old friends from high school and their childhood.

And then they compete with those people playing childhood games like Cornhole. I guess not childhood games like beer pong, but all those fun boys will be boys type games with a whole bunch of friends reunited. I guess Joshua does this with his real friends. Yes. His thing, and they brought it to CBS and turned it into an actual game show where they battle it out in an epic competition with giant beer pong, Cornhole, Mud Runs, and the like. CBS and turned it into an actual game show where they battle it out in an epic competition with giant beer pong, cornhole mud runs,

uh, and, and, and the like, the game will push them all to the limits with 200 K on the line. Only the best friends will make it to the end. So let the games begin. It's,

uh, it's already running now Thursdays on CBS and streaming on paramount plus, um, uh, I had, I have an M I the asshole. I also had something else. I can't remember what it was though. Um, to the M I asshole. Maybe itI. the Asshole. I also had something else. I can't remember what it was, though.

M.I. the Asshole. Maybe it'll come to my mind. This one made me want to crawl inside of myself and die. The headline has never been more misleading. M.I. the Asshole for saying hello to my 8th grade crush when I saw her at the grocery store. That sounds so fucking innocuous, right? You know it's about to get bad when they say I made a throwaway account. If you made a throwaway account for a grocery store encounter, you know it's not just a grocery store encounter.

When I was in eighth grade, we had to do square dancing. That's a weird thing, by the way. Did you do square dancing? No. No? Oh, wow. It's actually deeply rooted in racism. It was like a thing that they did back in segregation to like somehow it like, I don't know if it's just like a white people dance or whatever.

But if you look up gym class square dancing, it's all rooted in racism. Really? Yeah. But I never knew that as a kid, but I was like, why the fuck are we doing square dancing it's all rooted in in racism really fucked up yeah but i i never knew that as a kid but i was like why the fuck are we doing square dancing it was like do-si-do like with your partner do-si-do i definitely fucking insane insane insanity it was like we played mat ball and dodge ball and you know guard the pins and fucking run the mile and then there was i never ran the mile either i I didn't...

Oh, because, yeah, you're in that weird school, but still. But, no, I went to public school. If it was middle school, I went to public school. You never did the national and... Mm-mm. I must have been, like, sick that day or something. Oh, but you did, like, the school did the thing. I don't know.

I don't remember. I don't remember it. Did you do, like, sit-ups? No. Feet sit and reach? No, you didn't do that. I don't remember that. No.

We, we, it's, yeah, it was, it was, um, how many sit-ups can you do in a minute?

How, how far can you stretch? The mile, uh, shuttle run. It was like, suicide's kind of, you pick up erasers and drop them.

We had like field day. No, yeah, this was like, um, I think it was like a government thing. Cause you, you could win the presidential or the national fitness award. it was like if you're the top of the presidential if

you're the the yeah i was sponsored regular ass middle school i don't know how we would have not done it but i don't have no memory of it let me just look quickly square dancing gym class racism it's one of the weirdest things that like the surprisingly racist origins of square dancing henry ford that's right henry ford was behind it he was the racist motherfucker um he was the one who like enforced it for some reason like he had a yeah so 28 of 58 states have declared square dancing their official dance and this is a coordinated can campaign a dance spiracy if you will to make square dancing their official dance. And this is a coordinated campaign, a dance-piracy, if you will, to make square dancing the official dance of the United States in the hopes that doing so would, quote,

give square dancing and its related activities more visibility and have a positive effect on recruiting new dancers. And Henry Ford was scared of jazz. Henry Ford hated jazz. he hated the charleston he also hated jewish people and believe that jewish people invented jazz oh i thought it would be a black person yeah more than anything as a nefarious part to corrupt the masses and take over the world a theory that might come to surprise uh to the black people who did invent it so he was getting like a two for one. But yeah, wow. Oh, this is his quote. Many people have wondered whence came the waves upon waves of musical slush that invade decent homes and set the young people of this generation imitating the dribble of morons.

Popular music is a Jewish monopoly. Jazz is a jewish monopoly jazz is a jewish creation the mush the slush the sly suggestion the abandoned sensuousness of sliding notes are of which origin henry ford not only racist asshole lunatic could we clip that just like don't mention that just ford just just a clip of kevin just saying the sensuousness sliding of notes is a jewish creation the second time you said mush i was like it's something kevin would say crazy so so um but then this is some crazy shit though ford hired black workers and paid them the same as his white workers but he was very concerned that they along along with his other workers, would be morally corrupted by the evil forces of jazz.

Fucking crazy. It is crazy how that, like, that's insane. But it's also happening right now. Like, it's just not jazz. The music has changed. Where, like, there are people who think X music is corrupting me. And, like, it's why like, that'll just never stop.

That's crazy. No, it really is. People will listen to music young, that older people are like, that's corrupting the youth. And they'll be like, you guys are nuts.

And then they'll get older and they'll say, this movie is corrupting the youth. And that, that will just never, never, ever end. And it's like, you can't take a look back and be like, oh, wait, it's just happening again.

It's not even a real thing. I saw there's a screenshot going around of Fox News saying these are the dangerous words the youth is using now. And it was lists of words you should know your kids say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, yeah, when you were younger, you used words that your parents didn't understand either. We're just going to keep doing this forever? Dude, this, the latest is Doja Cat is, they think is a devil worshiper. Like, it's a real, like a real headline.

Is Doja Cat a Satanist? Because she has, like, some album artwork, I'm sure. And maybe some lyrics that are, like, you know, about selling your soul. Or the demon. Or the devil. Or whatever that is, like like just poetic fucking shit. And like some tweet went viral, some streamer. She sold 55,000 albums in her first week, which is like meh.

And they were like, sold your soul for 55,000. That's wild. And it's like, yeah, man, like that's the work of the devil. I've read these. I'm kind of in on it. What is this? Wait, what? It's something like

I oh you think she's a satanist no I think I don't actually but like I think that there was I just saw like a few tiktoks and it was very convincing

that it was like it was something about it was I mean I obviously know this is not real I was saying like the devil overtook her and like she sold her soul

to the devil but it was like all it was something about like losing a bunch of weight really fast and like she sold her soul to the devil but it was like all it was something about like losing a bunch of weight really fast and like there was physical stuff that was like but so this bitch has an eating disorder no no but um fuck i also think well this says like she's she leaned into it so i'm sure she her album was titled hell mouth and then she renamed it to scarlet and then people like oh look like she's trying to uh you know change it because she knows they're right

in the official video doja is featured alongside the grim reaper she appears in full black black body paint blackout pupils and horns oh she dressed like the devil doja then repeated the look with a few minor adjustments and a new single uh album art um she got a tattoo it was also like at a birthday party like last year or something it was like like mass grade themed and there was some kind i don't know she dressed up in a costume jackie no no no no but like at like she was not the same after. I don't know. I'm going to, I'll watch the TikToks again

and I'll get back to you. She put up a caption that said, you're all so bitch made you probably couldn't make it through an episode of Goosebumps, you fucking pussies. By the way,

I watched that new movie, Talk to Me. Oh! Dude, that's what, I texted, before we started recording, I got to text Che because last night I texted him,

I was like, what was that movie you were raving about? Talk to Me, so I watched Talk to Me last night was that movie you were raving about? Talk to me, so I watched Talk to Me last night too. Who was raving about? Stephen Che. Che.

I heard, I think somebody said that, oh wait, I think this was the clip, that he said that Joe Rogan said it's like the scariest movie of all time or something? I didn't, I didn't,

it was very good. It's awesome. It's like, there's gonna be Talk to me 10 This is gonna be Yeah The way that movie ended But it's an A24

A24 doesn't need to do that shit There's gonna be more of those The way that ended Yeah There's gonna be more of those Yeah Maybe not 10 But there's gonna be more of those

Like Wholly original in my mind I've never heard of like Anything like that I I don't often have to look away From the TV Like

I'm not saying it's one of those Like you're gonna puke and run out, but the one scene with the kid who really gets fucked up, I was watching it. The first time he gets fucked up or the second time? Both, really. With the table, I was like, oh, wow, that's fucked. Oh, it's still going.

I was like, tell me when it's done. I don't ever do that kind of shit. It's not that bad. I realized in watching Talk To Me That like in order to get Like the gross noise The squelching is always whatever But what makes you feel it more

Is the noise beforehand Where like there was the whooshing Yeah And like Yes And like that was more like visceral Like it is If you don't know the movie It's these kids And like, that was more like visceral. Like it is.

If you don't know the movie, it's these kids. What's fun about it is it kind of got back to like, it is a little bit like ghost stories around the campfire. Like there is this like completely ridiculous thing of these kids having a taxidermied hand. Basically, they said that there's an actual dead hand underneath it that it's been like covered up and plastered plastered ceramic and it's held like as you know it's like this and you can grip it and if you grip it and say the phrase come into me or something like that talk to me first and then let you right right right talk to me let me in that you you get uh you know uh taken over by a evil spirit. And, like, they have a rule.

You can only do it for 90 seconds. And, like, shit goes wrong. But it is. It's very cool. It's very fun. It's, like, it's for sure, like, the new, you know, new horror thing. I think it's going to be a big deal. But I wouldn't say, you know, like, scariest movie of all time there was actually parts that i

kind of almost like laughed at and like yeah i i wouldn't say it was like scary i guess like i don't really that stuff doesn't scare me like supernatural doesn't really scare me so much yeah the uh but good like it's like that hereditary like two of the best horror movies i've seen i wasn't like but But it's a really great movie. Yeah, totally. Totally. Okay, back to this. By the way, one more thing about since we're doing movies.

I don't know if I've said it on this show, but Bottoms is incredibly funny. What's Bottoms is incredibly funny. What's Bottoms? It's a movie with the chef. I forget her name. From The Bear. The main chef. Okay. And then, not the main chef because that's the dude from Shameless, but the other one. And I don't recognize the girl, but she kind of looks like Emmy Rossum.

Kind of looks like the girl from Two Broke Girls. But it's hysterical. And I don't want to talk about Barbie, but because something was brought up on this couch when we discussed Barbie, where it was a female-directed, female-written, female-led comedy. That is the one. Barbie is the third best of those of the summer. Between? One is Bottoms, two is Joyride, three is Barbie. Comedy. That is the one. Barbie's the third best of those of the summer. Between... One is Bottoms, two is Joyride, three is Barbie.

This is two... I guess I don't know. It's the third funniest of the summer. Two unpopular queer high school students start a fight club to have sex before graduation. That's fucking funny. It is. I laughed at the tagline. It's so goddamn funny.

Fucking fight club. That's hilarious. Yeah, it's directed by Emma Siegelman. I think she's the star, too. And from a screenplay she wrote with Rachel Sinet. I'm sure there are other girls in it. Okay, back to this. I'm like the asshole, which is a true horror story.

When I was in eighth grade, we were doing square dancing. I danced with this girl, Vanessa. I don't remember the dance, but we had to hold hands, and I fell head over heels in love with her she was really out of my league so i never had the courage to approach her but i used to have vivid fantasies about dating her marrying her and having a life with her she moved the first year of high school so i thought i'd never see her again i saw her at safeway yesterday she looked exactly the same and i had to say hello i asked her if she was vanessa she said yes i said she probably doesn't

remember me but we went to middle school together. And she said that she remembered dancing with me in PE. I was so stoked, I went into telling her how much I was in love with her, but too afraid to approach her, and she always seemed so sweet, and she was still so beautiful. That's right.

So far, a little weird. I wouldn't do it, but I don't think you're out of bounds. I said that my silly schoolboy had dreams of marrying her and having kids, and I even had the names picked out. I asked what she was doing now, and she's getting her master's in architecture, but it turns out the office she works out of is right down the street from my work. She said we had to go. She had to go, and I asked for her number, and she gave it to me and said maybe we could catch up with a group of friends sometimes i was so stoked and said goodbye about 10 minutes later i thought of the name i wanted to name our kids because it was based on a book we were reading in in ela so i facetimed her to tell her

jackie goes oh god she didn answer, and I got this text. Hi, I'm sorry, but this whole encounter was really intense for me. I wish you well, but please don't contact me again. My cousin said the text was as blunt as it could have been without using swear words. She said I was fine to say hello. I was weird when I told her about my daydreams, and I was a certified asshole when I tried to FaceTime her 10 minutes later, and she doesn't even have the words for what I'd be if I stopped by her office. I'd like to get a second opinion.

He wants to stop by the office? I think this guy is hideous. And has no charisma. Everything he did, there's a way to do it. There are people who can get away with that. You think you can get away with saying, here are the names I picked out for us? I think in the way, like, it all depends on how the interaction was going. Like, they're, like.

I mean, that interaction has to be, she says to you, oh, my God, I was so obsessed with you, too. I wanted to fuck you. If you're just, like, laughing, like, oh, that was crazy. Like, I know. Like, I was so obsessed with you, too. I wanted to fuck you. If you're just, like, laughing, like, oh, that was crazy. Like, I know. Like, it was such a weird, like, if you're laughing about, like, what you were like in fifth grade. I was such a fucking loser. I used to pick out our names. Yeah, yeah.

I could see that. Like, there's a way you can play it off as, like. Yeah. It depends on how she's acting and how you're acting. And then there's a world that works. Yes. It sounds like this guy's awkward and ugly and you know what that's not a reality you'll ever know but that that is really the question how good looking is he it's

the famous tom brady's snl skit it's just the way of the world good looking people can get away with it if a fucking super hot guy is like oh man i loved, I loved you, babe. Like, you know, I even thought about having kids with you. She'd be like, oh, wow, let's do it right now. Come inside me. But, I mean, the FaceTime? Like, I mean, FaceTime is great. And then still, I can understand. Truly, I mean this.

I can understand Jeffrey Dahmer more than this guy. Really? I can understand people who have like I'm not saying I condone that over this I'm just saying I can understand people who have like compulsions Of like I don't know He has like a power complex

And like needs to be in control Or you know I can get those things Even like pedophilia I can see where your brain goes that way I cannot see If a person is somewhat regular otherwise that they would think any of this is okay i don't do like one after another after another after another it is yeah yeah that's true like saying

hi fine even saying like oh my god i used to have a crush on you i would do that i used to like daydream about marrying you and even have kids with you. It's like, whoa, dude. And then be like, oh, and by the way, I used to name our kids. And then 10 minutes later, FaceTime to try to tell her the name. And then still be thinking I've got to physically stop by her office to tell her that. I can't get that. I do not get that.

I can picture some people in this office doing that. It's a problem. Yes. If you can picture a Barstool Sports employee doing it, don't do it. That is just bonkers crazy. It is. It's nuts, but it's also like there is... I guess people just get so overwhelmed and so... It just works with how you...

I can see it actually being good game. Jackie? I can envision it actually being, like, good game. Like, I can envision it. No. If you're both laughing about what dorks you were and what elusives you were. I mean, again, it has to be he has to be, like, super good looking. Yeah. And you have to be on the same energy. But even that, I still feel like.

It's so important that he's good looking. Yeah. It really, really is. You've got to be, like, the man. Like, I used to, like, hold him in the cabin and be like, I was, the man. Like, I used to, like, hold my cabinet in my hand. Like, I was such a loser. Like, I would spend, like, nights. And you're laughing about it.

Like, I would, like, I'll be writing in our notebook. Like, I mean, like, everyone did that. That's also, like, I would, if you were, like, I used to play M.A.S.H. and, like, write down our names of our kids. Not, like, I used to think of our baby's names. Yeah, yeah. Like, there is a way. There is a way. I get it it is how the the back and forth's going and how the energy is in the room yeah they're they're look it's like like fucking uh dr strange like i've done this

1400 times like it works three right but like it works million computations there are computations where it works this was not it though I mean obviously in all the comments I wouldn't say you're the asshole that's actually a better discussion like I don't I think this is asshole behavior in the sense of like this is another

dude rolling up on a chick making her uncomfortable and for that you are an asshole but it's like it was like rooted it's like a it was like rooted it's not like you're you know like i'm gonna fuck this chick yeah i'm so in love with this girl and like i just you know what i mean it's more like you are a uh socially uncalibrated asshole but you're not being like mean to this person if you're pushy and like this bitch won't even talk right then you're an ass right if you're just an extremely awkward person

i don't think you're an asshole you're weird but you're just an extremely awkward person, I don't think you're an asshole. You're weird, but you're, I mean, you could say like, this is like stalker behavior, I guess, you know,

but I think we throw around stalker a little too much. Yeah. Like, like, this is just like, you know, overly zealous and aggressive behavior. I mean,

listen, you start showing up at her office and shit. Like you probably are going down the road of literally what stalking is. But, and, you know, again, for that, girls can be like, that's asshole. But this is more just like, you're a fucking weirdo. Dude, speaking of stalker, I tweeted this on Friday, I think. I stalked myself on Friday. Like, I.

Search your name and stuff? No, fuck, fuck, no. Like, I knew my cleaning people were coming. So they sent me a text, and they were like, hey, we're almost there. And I was like, I was actually, I wasn't even home yet, so I, like, hurried home to change and get out of there before they got there. And I went to the gym. And I was at the gym for, like, an hour and a half.

I even went to a sauna after to kill a little more time, and then walked back to my apartment, and, I don't know, blinds were in there, then walked back to my apartment. And I don't know. Blinds were in there. So you can just see in. And I was like, oh, they're still in there. Adults or kids? This was. I didn't see any kids.

I didn't see any kids this time. Okay. But the wife was in the car. So maybe it was just that many. And he handled it solo. They just like sit. Yeah. There's always someone just sitting in the car.

But I. So I was just in my gym clothes. I don't bring my wallet to the gym or anything because I just bring my keys and my phone. And so I got back and they were still there. And I was like, well, I don't have anything to do. I'm sweaty. I don't have a wallet. I have nowhere to go.

I have nothing to do. So I talked to Nate for a little bit. I talked to my mom for a little bit. I talked to my dad for a little bit. And the whole time just like if that pirate thing is my apartment, I'm just standing on the sidewalk across the street. Like, leaning on a wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it looked like you were just stalking.

Full hour. And I was like, this is insane. For an hour, I've just been, like, I'm not even trying to hide it. Like, and no one's concerned that I'm standing here. There's a food truck right there. They're like, people do that. This is why I think you can get away with shit. I'm just standing across the street looking in the window of an apartment for an hour.

Yep. Basically just standing there. At one point, I went to a bodega and grabbed some tins. But 99% of the time, I was just standing, staring. No one said anything. I was like, that's a little uncomfortable. I'll tell you what makes me uncomfortable is that someone's probably actually done that to you in their life. Fucking A.

You said one more thing that reminded me of something. You mentioned Tom Brady. Did you see that Brady video? No. Bro. He is just the best. I tweeted it. I said, me getting ready for Barstool Survivor.

Because he did some speech or, you know, part of some panel or whatever this weekend. And I think he was asked about how to, like, what is his preparation or whatever. And he is so, like, I want you to just watch this. I don't really want to. I think you're going to be like, is this for the Patriots? Or for, like, him?

This is just him. That I can stomach. The dopest part of that is when he goes, now I know I was going to kill him physically. Like, that was fucking already done that I will physically beat you in this sports game. By the way, that game sucked. He would switch in that. He would see you in the moment.

Crazy. Sorry, what were you saying? That game sucked. That game sucked. Patriots stink. I disagree with that. I think the Patriots are. I think the Patriots stink. I disagree with that. I think the Patriots are – Patriots stink.

They were in a blowout, and then they took their fill out of the gas. I think – I think, what, Mack Jones threw for two? That game was a blowout? It was. It was a game was over. The game was over early. And then they took it to the playoffs. I mean, if Zach Wilson's not the worst quarterback in the history of football,

the Jets probably wouldn't have came. I don't know. I think the first half was like it should have ended. They missed two field goals. Nobody reached the red zone until six minutes in the fourth quarter. Yeah, but they also had two. You're right. Mack Jones looked really good.

Bro, you're playing on my level, brother. You're down in the dumps with me. I don't think so. You're not making it into the red zone? I think the Patriots are a pretty good team. I think the Patriots are a pretty good team. I think you guys are all crazy. I think Dan had them on his pretty good team. I think the Patriots are a pretty good team. You guys are all crazy. I think

Dan had him on his power rankings as sneaky frisky. I think the Patriots are a full frisky team. I think they're a sick defense. I think Mac Jones is putting it together. I think the Pats are full frisky. What makes you think Mac Jones is putting it together? He every game so far he's had either one bad ball

this game he didn't have a bad ball, but like a lot of the time, Mac Jones looked good the first half. The second half, things kind of fell apart. Yeah, he didn't make it into the red zone. Yeah, but he had, like, three 50-yard passes, three 40-yard passes, something like that. Like, it is, I think, against a great Jets defense in dogshit weather, he had, like, 200-yard passing and a touchdown.

Nothing ideal, but, like, I don't think that was a terrible game. Do you think they're better than the Dolphins? No. Again, the only game I've watched the Dolphins this year were the first Patriots where it was a one-score game. Dude, 70 is nuts. 70 is nuts. They had 35 at the half, and I was like, man, they could put up 70, but

that never happens. You end up putting up 49, whatever, you slow down. 70. Who did they play? The Broncos. Broncos suck putting up like 49, whatever. You slow down. 70. Who did they play? The Broncos. Broncos suck. But like last week, the Patriots had the ball with the chance to beat them. Yeah, well, they didn't. Voicemails.

Summer has come and gone. It's officially fall. That means it's officially football season. It's officially brunch season. It's officially – I feel like this is drinking weekends me too i i i don't know i maybe it's a shift in life but i think come the fall is when well you know what it is man i you know i know people like the summer to drink but i'm like

i'm drunk outside in the summer i'm hot and sweating i'm getting sunburned give me a crisp fall day and a bubbly fresh cold pirate water like fuck yeah dude even give me a rainy fall day and a bubbly, fresh, cold pirate water. Like, fuck yeah, dude. Even give me a rainy day. When I saw it was raining the other day in 60, I was like, I'm going to put on a hoodie and pop open a pirate water right now. I don't care that they're named Bahama Mama and Sex on the Beach, Miami Vice, Margarita. Yeah, these are all. State of mind. It is.

It really is. And the state of mind of pirate water is let's get fucked up. It's 10% alcohol by volume. So all you need is a couple of them. They're 16-ounce cans. They're only $2. You put up $5, $6, $7, $8, you're going to get the job done. So go to drinkpiratewater.com to find Pirate Water in a location near you.

Or you can order it on GoPuff. Also, follow and tag Pirate Water for your chance to be reposted. We are sending out Pirate Water and Pirate Water merch to anybody who calls in with the best voicemail. Also anybody who provides the best Pirate Water story or picture and tags and follows Pirate Water. So go on Instagram and follow at Pirate Water today. KFC fights Jackie the gang. I'm here to talk about a living situation I'm dealing with. So I rent.

I'm down in Charleston, South Carolina. In a town home, me and my girlfriend and our dog, we're annual renters, right? So we have until October 1st to tell them if we're going to renew for the full year. By October 31st, after that, we are month to month with a 30% increase. We have a new apartment ready to go for us January 1st, but we can't move in before that. So for these two months, these 60 days, would you rather pay close to $2,700 a month total? I think I already know the answer. $2,700 a month total or move in with your parents who live very close by, but you have to put your shit in storage.

But you could also offload a bunch of shit. So there's a lot of pros and cons here for us. Offload a bunch of shit in storage. I'm a huge fan of living with my parents, bro. Like, I think there was a generation that that was like, you are a loser. And then I think that, like, my generation. And then the older generation refused to die so none of us can get houses. So everyone. Yeah, like, it became, like, a necessity for a lot of people.

But even, like, any time. necessity for a lot of people. But even like any time. Why doesn't this generation have houses? Because you bought it for $4,000 and won't die. And you've kept it for 75 years. You're supposed to die. You really don't. Like when people say, you know, like you don't think about unintended consequences. Like the people being like, we're going to live to 150.

It's like, are we going to keep building houses? What are we going to do? We had a natural fucking process. I bet you people don't think about that. I'm sure that real estate agents never sat around being like, okay, well, everyone dies when they're 80. So, you know, and it's like, no, now it's 120. Well, what then what? And by the way, where's the fucking proof of this?

I hear about this all the time. Everyone's still dying at like 70, 80, and 90. I think 73 is still the average age for a man. I saw a podcast clip the other day of some dude, and I don't know. He's a fitness guy or a tech guy or whatever. He was like, I'm going to live to 140. I have a lot of money. I take 20 pills a day.

I sleep in a cryogenic chamber. I have a perfect diet. I've dedicated my life to this. I'm going to live to 140. So I think about things in terms of like, well, when I'm 100, I'll do this. And when I'm 110, I'll do that. Just talking about it like it is fact. I don't think we're there yet.

I think you can say like I will be healthy until like my – I'll live to like 100. I'll live – I'll be like functioning in my 80s. I can't say you're going'll live to like 100 i'll live i'll be like you know functioning in my 80s i can't say you're gonna live to 140 right now i mean that you'd be an insane outlier so why am i gonna listen anything you have to say when you talk you talk to me like a crazy person it was it was you were a little off on the pills he takes it's 111 pills a day but you saw that you know who is it and i i don't yeah i mean by the way 111 pills sounds like you're going to die soon. So many pills a day. I actually was thinking, it's not timely anymore, but by the time I saw it, it was two days after,

but I thought a funny sketch would be someone who spends, I think you guys spend $2 million a year. Yes, yes. Who spends $2 million a year just trying to die. He takes 111 pills a day, but it's like Xanax and all that. It's not working. But the – he sleeps with a jet pack on his penis. Okay, yes.

You're the one who made me see it. What the fuck does that mean? I was like – one of us don't know what a jet pack is. I'm so happy you brought this up because I wanted to – It's like a princess bride. I do not think you know that word that you're trying to use. I even Googled it. I was like, what's easy. Yeah, like either – it's like a princess bride. I do not think you know that word that you're trying to use. I even Googled it. I was like, what's a jetpack? It's like something you strap to your body and it makes you fly.

The Rocketeer. That's a jetpack. All right, so I'm right. It said that it controls the blood flow to his erections. Yeah, that's a cock ring, bro. You walk around with one of those chassis things. I got one of those too pal i don't expect to be living in the fucking 3000 just because i got a cock ring

that's great branding i got a i got a jet pack controls the flow to my erection yeah we got similar yeah that's fucking great fucking crap. I got it from CVS in that fucking box of lube. I know what you're talking about, man. That's ridiculous. A jetpack on my penis. Also, they called it a tiny jetpack and I was still like,

yeah, that's how I word it. It's a smaller jetpack. But I still really, truly don't get jet... I'm going to just Google jetpack penis and still, but I still really truly don't get jet. I'm going to just Google jetpack penis and see what we get down to. Jetpack penis. CEO trying to reverse aging sleep with jetpack to penis. Brian Johnson is his name.

Biotech CEO. He's a centimillionaire. That's a weird thing to say four million dollars in the last three years 111 pills a day 8 30 p.m every night wakes up at 6 a.m sleeping less than eight hours is an act of violence he says i have on average two hours and 12 minutes each night of erection of a certain quality to be 18 it would be three hours and 30 minutes. Nighttime erections, he says, are a biological age marker for your sexual function. While I am dead.

I was going to say I might be 18. Well, like, you're sleeping and you get hard? I wake up bricked up every morning. Okay, well that... That stands to reason I'm in it every morning. I get bricked up. It's very frustrating. I wish I could change it. I get bricked up every morning. Okay, well that... That stands to reason I'm in it every morning. I don't know. I get bricked up. It's very frustrating. I wish I could change it.

I get bricked up in the morning. I wake up and get hard. I think I'm just pervert. Biological marker for you. It makes me take a piss. Impossible. But wait.

Yeah, that's annoying. That's annoying. Bro, this guy is wacky. He has a tweet. Some results from last week's penis tests. Top 10% of 40-year-olds in urine flow. 25 milliliters per second. Age 34 in bladder emptying capacity.

Got to zero. 34 is age minimum. I'm getting my penis injected Fridayiday which is an arousing topic rejuvenating johnson's johnson's penis penis injection with alprostadol prolonged erection measuring penile artery uh l and r peak flow blood flow ejection volume max urination speed sperm motility penis plaque check penis plaque that's gross yeah i don't like that call it shmegma where i'm from oh bro this is a very funny thought of this guy trying to pee as fast as he can every day. Bro, I piss. I piss.

I piss that shit out. The erection tracker looks like little air pods with a turquoise strap like a purse worn by a penis. Concluding that paragraph in the video. I want to see a picture of this, Brian. Send me a picture. I know, I wanna see a whole video of it, dude. But this sounds like he's doing stuff to make his dick hard and then being like, look, my dick's hard, I'm young.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like PEDs. If I'm reading it right. Or is it just measuring? But if you strap a fucking jetpack on your dick and your dick gets hard and then you go, look how viral I am. It's like, well, no, you have a fucking machine getting your dick hard. Yeah, it is. But if it's just like your dick naturally gets hard and that thing is like sensing the blood flow.

The shot, injecting it seems a little weird. Also cheating. Also cheating. If you inject your dick and it gets hard, like no fucking kidding. I also, I don't know this if i venture to guess this guy or at least people who like him would be nobody likes this guy would be oh i'm sure there's a ton of people who are like this guy's a fucking savior yeah uh i would venture to guess and i'm just putting this on them that they're all anti-vaxxers yeah yeah for sure like i'm about putting that in my

body anyway give me all my cock real quick yo you know what i'm gonna do have you heard of trap talks no it's a little bit gay because it's it's for chicks who want to look a certain way but i'm not worried about the looks you get botox in here and it just like relaxes everything really girls want it for like a slimmer neckline so i don't want to have like a slim neckline but if you could tell me i could do an injection and just all of like the tension in my neck and shoulders that i've had for like 25 years would just like be killed you should try that i mean that's incredible i want to just do it all over my butt just inject me with Botox and let me just lay there. Turn me into a vegetable real quick.

Yeah, for real. You're going to turn into that kid from Talk To Me. Just slam me. How great does that sound if you could just go like. An injectable massage. Yeah. Pretty nice. It'd be good for you.

Yeah. Trap talks. If you are a, what are those called? Spa or whatever. Or dermatologist that does trap talks holler at your boy i might my my shoulders are already dainty to begin with i get if i can have ones that don't hurt on top of it let's do it um all right next voicemail oh um you know i think living with your parents is fine uh i i would the only thing making me hesitant Would be like the double move Yeah that sucks Like I would pay I'd pay like

Extra rent So I can only move once But like I I I know this is impossible But here's how I would In a perfect world

Do this Where it's like I can put all my shit in that apartment But for some reason I can't be in it yet Yeah yeah And I will pay the rent I'll pay whatever it costs $27 a. But for some reason, I can't be in it yet. Yeah, yeah. And I will pay the rent. I'll pay whatever it costs, $27 a month.

But I'll also go live with my parents. Your parents, yeah. I will also say this. If you're moving later in life and you can somehow do this, I trimmed down all of my earthly belongings into, like, one corner of a room. And I felt great. i have since already accumulated everything once again it's impossible with kids and shit but when i moved i threw out so much shit even stuff that was like clothes that i could or would wear but i was like i've

got too much of it trimmed down like everything threw away sneakers things that i collected and i just had it all into like little neat corner, a few boxes. And I felt fucking great. Dude, every time I've moved in the last decade. Every time I've moved since I was 25. If you can press the reset button, I think it actually really makes a difference. I moved in a car. Yeah.

Smart. Yeah, guys are a little bit different. Because I feel like you just don't acquire as much. But I don't know. I just find my sponsors. Yeah. Shit, I just accumulate. And then the kids, forget about it. But I don't know. I just find my sponsors and shit. I just accumulate.

And then the kids, it's like, forget about it. What I take from apartment to apartment is just clothes. Yeah, right. It's like what you can wear on your back, and that's fucking it. I don't bring my furniture. That's why it's easy for me to move in a car. But that's three times I've moved. You just leave your furniture?

Or you sell it or whatever? Yeah, I think I just throw it away. I don't move that often. So I got four years out of this couch that cost two grand or whatever it costs. Do it again. It's worth it. Every time I move, it's like I'm not moving.

I don't make lateral moves. Right. Like major upgrades or major change or whatever. I'm just moving to like, okay, I can afford a nicer place now, so I'm not going to take this shit. For sure. Next voicemail. What's up, everybody?

Question for you so i was just minding my own business as one does on a on a website that that rhymes with corn hub and there was a video on the main page that intrigued me i clicked on it and i was not expecting to see one of my best friends in the video just doing this despicable despicable things to a nice young lady I didn't know if I should watch or not I did watch of course you gotta watch very impressive but I guess the question would be would you watch that video like actually i know we all talk about it but i this happened to me i was staring directly in into my my friend's eyes as he did certain things and what do you do what do you do uh viva dude i getting your friend

on the front page of porno yo that's like i mean that's impressive is your friend on the front page of Pornhub. Yo, that's like – I mean that's impressive. Is your friend Johnny Sins? Yeah, that's Diesel. That's like your friend is probably a porn star. I guess that stuff nowadays is pretty like – But even like – I think if you're on the front page, you're probably like you have subscribers and shit like that. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I don't think one-offs are popping up on there. Right, right, right. So your friend at least has some sort of, like, anonymous couples porn page. Yeah, yeah. Because I don't think that's just, like, a, you know. That's crazy. I would not watch that.

I've said it. That's my guarantee. I would watch anybody fuck. I would watch any celebrity fuck. I would watch anybody. I would not watch. Except for my family. Like, I've never seen the Federal Offense videos. I've never anybody. I would not watch. Except for my family. Like, I've never seen the Federal Offense videos.

I've never seen. Yeah, you never sought those out? If I was presented with a video. If I ever sent you a video and I was like, yo, check this out. And it was me, but it was like some fucking hot chick and some crazy shit happened. Would you not watch it? I would not watch it. Really?

Even if I was like, I want you to watch it? Yeah. I think I'd be like, it's just like... I think I'm going to start sending you videos. I wouldn't want people to watch me fuck. Do unto others. The golden rule. Jesus Christ.

I'd be like, just move past it. I also think like... Curiosity killed the cat, man. i'd have to see i i would never go seek it out but if it like if it's on the front page john if you're on the front page brother i'm watching it is i i i'm not like don't ever watch me you can do what you want bro what what there's what's better than like watching porn with the boys i it's you want to laugh with the homies how fun would be like i made this porn and it went viral and like – I'd laugh about it.

I'd partake in the conversation. But you got to know what happens if you partake in the conversation. I don't think – When the homies are like, yo, that part with the leg and the foot and the toe. And you're like, yeah, man, yeah, totally. But you don't know. You're going to feel so left out. Yeah, I guess I would.

I think – I just – I'm just thinking through all my friends. I don't have a desire to see any of you guys fuck. What about a female friend? That's different. I don't know. I have a different relationship. What's that? Depends on how hot she is.

Like I – probably not either. Yeah. They're like – I would think no. But also, I mean, like again, if – okay, what if I became like a porn star? Like we said, on the front page. Yeah, no. Okay, like it's okay to watch it. No, I'm not talking like voyeur videos.

I think this is something I've learned in the not looking at anything is like I enjoy relationships one-on-one. I don't need to know the outside factors I like the relationship we have I don't need to know anything else that doesn't involve me that doesn't other people's opinions don't matter what you do with it doesn't matter but like can I confess

something I often feel weird that like I've never done anything with you and my kids but I'm like i think that's okay yeah like it's just like and it's not like i i'm like actively not doing it but i'm like john is like one of the most important people ever in my life and you know he's just never around my kids that's weird but i'm like no wait no fuck wait i remember when jackie i think jackie i was like you never met the kids no but i think that's okay right if it's not i will set it up

tomorrow no i like i think it's like i i? If it's not, I will set it up tomorrow. No. But I think it's like, I don't think you really, not like you don't, like I want to meet those kids, but it's like, we don't need to, and it's a whole production to do it. But there was a part of me that's like, fuck, am I like, you know, like doing it wrong?

I think you're doing it however you want to do it, and that's- But do you want to do it this way? I don't know. I'm perfectly comfortable if you're like, yo, you want to come hang out with the kids? I'm it this way? I don't know. I'm perfectly comfortable. If you're like, yo, you want to come hang out with the kids, I'm pretty sure I'll come hang out with the kids. Yeah, that's what I mean.

If you don't want me to, I'm good either way. I just feel like if I were to invite you up to the house and we were just sitting in the house and my kids were just doing what my kids do. I mean, bro, let me tell you, it sucks. It's not fun. I've had that before with friends. Most of my friends' kids I've met once or twice.

Like, I have kids who, like – I'm also in a weird spot because I have my kids for, like, you know, I don't have the most time with them. When we go away for, like, weekends, like, sometimes I'll bring your kids. But, like, I don't have any friends who, like, I extensively know their children. I guess, like, I have a godson, but, like, and, like, we FaceTime sometimes. But, like, he lives in D.C. It's okay. They're not watching.

You can say it. No, it just gets to a point where, like, okay, what do you want me to talk about? That's what I mean. Like, meeting kids is good to, like, meet the kids. And it's like, now what do we do while you just, like, bury your face in an iPad for five hours?

Dude, D, like, there's definitely been times where I'm playing with my mic, so I'm just going to use it to keep playing with the truck. That's what I'm trying to avoid. I don't want to put anybody in that spot, so we're just not going to do it. I'll do it. I'm so happy we're on the same page.

So happy, because there were times where I'm like, is this offending him? It's not just you. There's other people. I have other friends who have not met or barely met my kids. Probably the majority of my friends. Because I'm just like, you know. I also am not.

I don't like to go away for the weekend with my kids to a friend's house and have everything. Have a shitty weekend of awkwardness where it's like you got to play by their rules and do their things and their bedtime. And so when I do have my kids, I'm like, I just want to hang out with my kids. Fuck you guys. We actually – I actually have fun – I have one group of friends who have two kids. And like when we go, we all go – you know, like all my friends, we go away for a weekend in December. And so now it's been like three years where they bring the kids. And that actually is fun because I don't know.

They just bring the kids to the bar and stuff like that. Yeah, like that. It is. Yeah, there's definitely times and ways you can do it right but it's they and i think every parent is different i think they're very good where it's like like we're still at front adults yeah we happen to have kids but we're gonna keep doing what we do yeah like yeah it's not like it doesn't define like they'll come to the bar they might go home a little early maybe one of them will go home early um like two years older than me no no the kids oh no, the kids. Oh. The babies?

The kids are young. The kids are like sub-five. Okay. But like, it's also like we're going to like Martha's Vineyard, so it's like smaller bars. Right, right, right. The kids just run around. It very much feels like, I talk about when I went to England and went to the Liverpool game outside Anvil, where like the pub was like.

Yeah, it's like family events. Yeah, they're like, the kids have to leave at eight. Yeah, yeah, yeah kids have to leave at eight yeah the kids running around adults have the true adult time well i i want to know let me know if you are a parent who has very close people in your life who you have not introduced to your kids it's probably going to be a single dad thing because i'm sure like wives just always make sure that shit happens well that's actually an interesting thing i uh that we'll talk more about it oh we'll be very quick but the taylor swift uh i love that move meeting the parents right away just right off the rip right dude every single time i'm like let's like let's just look if you don't have a relationship with your parents that no but like people you have like these are people who are in my life right and if we're gonna be around each other a lot let's do it they're gonna

be around a lot so let's just do it right like i remember like i had an ex-girlfriend seven years ago and like we were i don't even know if we were like officially dating and this is the old office and she was like my dad's downstairs you want to come to lunch and i was like sure whatever well the first time i think i ever really went to get food with caitlin was with her parents really yeah yeah it was she was like, they're in the city together and I was going to go to lunch. Do you want to come? And I was like,

okay. It's like, it's like, it's like same thing with like meeting friends where it's like, I don't know, like,

I mean, you're going to meet my friends pretty quick. I'm friends with my parents. So why? Let's do this. And the longer you wait, the more it becomes a thing.

You're going to make it a thing. And now it's an awkward thing. If you just meet the people, it's just like you're meeting people. Right. All right. So let us know. How do you handle your the people, it's just like you're meeting people. Right. You're not making a deal. All right, so let us know how you handle your kids. Do you hide them like I had to hide mine?

Kickstart a fresh fall routine with HelloFresh. I'm throwing out the copy because this is officially me offering, petitioning, asking, whatever, that they add the Feidelberg slop bucket to the HelloFresh menu. Because honestly, I'll say this. Their menu is so extensive, I find it to be crippling. I'm like, do I go with like a fall flavor? Do I go with a summer fresh? Do I go with hearty? Do I go with sweet and savory?

Fit and wholesome. Fit and wholesome. Fit and wholesome. If somebody just said, you want slop bucket? And I said, what's that? It's everything put together. It's everything mixed in. And you get your protein. protein you get your carbs you get your grains you get your this taste you get that taste it's hot it's sweet it's i think i'd be like it takes and also

they already make the uh the recipe stuff easy by just putting out like ingredients and instructions you don't even need that anymore just throw throw them all out. Here's the instructions. Pour it in a bucket. Eat it for five days. It's going in the bucket tonight on top of everything. What's in there right now? Right now it's still a little leftover from yesterday, which is some hard-boiled eggs, which those I put in myself. Ground beef and broccoli.

Then last night was added. Eggs don't last for that long, do they? They last long enough. And then last night I put in some pasta and some ground pork. I also threw a slice of pizza in there, but that wasn't from HelloFresh. A whole slice? Yeah, it's a small, it's like a Neapolitana, whatever it's called. How do you pronounce that? Neapolitan.

Neapolitan. It's a Neapolitan style pizza, so they're small. I just said that. I have no idea. It's Neapolitan ice cream. I know that. Yeah, I think it's Neapolitan. I think it has an A on it.

Okay. By the way, when Margarita Pizza, that's after Queen Margaret, because she, the bread with tomato sauce is very popular in Italy. And she's like, I want some cheese on that bitch. And so – Shout out to her. Queen Margaret. A little fun fact for everybody. Fun fact.

But yeah, so that's what's in it right now. Tonight I'll probably whack it when I get home right now. And then I got a new week comes on Monday. Okay. So you begin with like whatever you don't finish tonight, which I highly doubt that there's stuff that John doesn't finish, but I,

they must. Yeah, no, I just think the scrap, it's because it's two meals. Yeah. So I, I actually usually,

I portion myself. I usually have one meal. John controls himself. You can throw it in a bucket like John, or you can eat separately when you can choose from 40 different

weekly recipes that suits your lifestyle from veggie to family friendly to fit and wholesome. Like I said, it comes with the pre-portioned ingredients and a recipe card, so all you've got to do is follow the instructions. No expertise required.

Go to HelloFresh.com slash 50KFC and use code 50KFC for 50% off your first box, and then going forward the next two months, you get 15% off when you go to HelloFresh.com slash 50KFC and then use code 50KFC to get 50% off plus 15% over the next two months. Let's get into our interview with Sam Jay. And before we get into that, what we're talking about, we're about to sit down with a comedian. Enormous shout out to our boy Chrissy D, who moved 11,000 tickets this past weekend, did one night at Radio City,

one night at the Garden, the Hulu Theater in the Garden. I don't know if that's ever been done. Dude, as I mentioned, or I'm about to mention, depending on when this is an episode, I went to Radio City for the first time, and he did Radio City,

then I met at Hulu Theater. I was inside Radio City. I was like, this is massive. And it's so cool, too. It's got an old feel to it, you know, with the marquee and everything. He went out Friday night. Our boy Mike Cannon opened for him, I think, 5,500 at Radio City. And he was like, you know, he's one of the most self-deprecating guys out there. If you ever listen to him talk about the wolves and the good wolf and the bad wolf and positive energy and all that shit, he really tries to keep it, like, very even keeled.

And he was like, I nailed it. And, like, I felt, like, such a connection to the audience. And then I said to him, now, you know, I didn't realize he was doing, like, a home and home. So he sold out Radio City so fast. And I guess they couldn't do two nights there. But he could do oh right right right right but what they were like you know the the the theater is open at the garden so do that and uh so he did one night there shuttles across town into the other theater the next night which is such a cool little wrinkle uh and i do believe that's a little bit of like an audition for the garden garden

and sold them out both of them crushed it as as he told me said like the audience was great uh and i just couldn't have happened to a better guy who like you know chris is just like very honest and open about like you know like the the struggles that you go through to try to balance your family and balance your industry, balance the internet, balance your mental health. And, uh, he is, I think he's just the funniest fucking guy in the world.

So, uh, could not happen to a better guy. And hopefully this means he'll be on the big stage. And I do think there's an extra something when it's a guy from New York, there's a lot of New York comics cause they all come here, but like Brooklyn boy born and raised on on radio city and then at the garden the theater but still to be like at the garden that night is so fucking nuts

um so shout out to him and uh hopefully this means bigger and better things you know it sucks it's like it's almost like the people you become most friends with like don't do the show you know yeah yeah i got like stefano and kaz and a couple guys so i'm like i talk to you and i don't do the show. I got DeStefano and Kaz and a couple guys who I'm like, I talk to you and I don't, and I'm always like, let's come on the show, and then we just don't do it because it's the same way I don't get together with my friends. But random strangers will hop on.

Anyway, big shout out to Chris and Cannon and all those guys who made it happen those two nights, and let's get into it with Sam J. now. What you sipping on? Oh, the Big Deal Brewery. What do you think? You like it? Good?

Are you a beer drinker? I am. Okay. You just had someone drinking a beer at noon on a Monday. So what's up with you? Do you like beer? I guess that, yeah. Forward if it's not.

Dude, I'm so happy to have you back. Last time you were here was one of The most fun times ever It was so fun Yeah no I mean You are We were just watching The trailer for the new special And I mean

I gotta I really think you're One of the funniest In the game right now I hope that it's I hope you are just Gonna fucking skyrocket Because everywhere

I've seen you Everywhere I've seen you I mean we've seen you We've seen you on stage Seen you on TV Actually Saw you at the 9-11 Yeah Yeah that's right The 9-11 Oh yeah that was fun I mean, we've seen you on stage, seen you on TV. Actually, saw you at the 9-11. Yeah, that's right.

The 9-11. Oh, yeah, that was fun. I mean, it's fucking hilarious every time. And I think that's pretty rare, though. Even people who I think are funny, sometimes you see a set or a special, it's like, ah, it wasn't their best. Every time I see you on your game. So whatever you're doing, girl. Keep it up.

That's so sweet. I think sometimes people forget to be funny, even if you're funny. You know what I mean? Like, go be funny every time. That's what we want. Yeah, that's the goal. Yeah, for sure. I feel like you're not preachy or any of that shit.

I try not to be. But you're also probably going to catch me on good days. There's definitely days when I'm at the cellar and people are like, this was the fucking worst thing I ever saw. I'm like, yeah, probably. It probably was.

But there's also that where you're like, yeah, nah. I mean, like, I don't go into work every day and be like,

I fucking killed it today. There are days where I'm like, yeah, nah, that wasn't my best. I was working on this like Jeffrey Dahmer bit and it was very dark

and I couldn't really figure it out. And I did it one night at the cellar, and I was torturing the people with it. It was not good, and I just stayed in it. What's the premise? The premise is so fucked up. The premise was that it was all his grandmother's fault. Did you watch the series? Oh, yeah.

Okay, so my premise was that she threw away his boyfriend. Like when he got the mannequin boyfriend, he was chilling because he got everything he wanted.

You know what I'm saying? He was able to take it out on her. it was like, it's non-responsive. It ain't never going to leave me. Like this is exactly what I'm looking for. And then she wouldn't

just let the nigga be weird. Like she threw away his little mannequin boyfriend and then after that he was wilding. You know what I'm saying?quin boyfriend. And then after that, he was wildin'. He was. He was wildin'. Because he killed somebody early.

And then he was like, I got to get my shit together. I can't be out here killing people. That ain't it. He had a moment. Yeah. So then he was like, let me fix myself with this little mannequin man. Then she threw his boo in the trash. That was his boo.

It was like, that's kind of fucked up. There ain't no real thing I see you do this I think you work this back into the act Fuck it Dude Fuck that audience Bro had she just let him

Just have his little mannequin boyfriend Then we'd be watching him on Strange Love You know like And he would just be like Hi my name's Jeffrey This is my mannequin boyfriend We've been together for 25 years Or whatever the fuck

For real There's this much difference Between a serial killer and a TLC. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. He would have been chilling. When I first watched that show, I was watching it. I was addicted to it. I loved it.

That was great. Blah, blah, blah. And I was on a train to D.C. So I'm watching the show on a train to D.C. And it was at dinner time. So I got to dinner. I was fucked up. So I was drunk the show on a train to DC. And I got like, it was at dinner time. So I got dinner. I was fucked up. So I was drunk.

And then like something happened. It was like, maybe it was with him and his dad. And like, there was like something emotional, like regular emotional. So I started kind of crying. Right.

And then I thought it was so funny that I was crying to the Dahmer show that I started laughing. And then like, you know, you fall into that. Like, now I'm laughing. I'm crying. I'm laughing.

And I was still eating. I was eating a stromboli. And so, like, you know, you fall into that. Like, now I'm laughing. I'm crying. I'm laughing. And I was still eating. I was eating a stromboli. And so I'm on the train eating this stromboli, laughing, crying, and watching fucking Dahmer. And the guy in the seat next to me got up and left. I was going to D.C. He got off at Newark.

He's like, fuck this, dude. This is crazy. I'm crying. I'm crying, too. This is crazy, bro. That guy's a murderer. White men are already scary just off of being white men. Throw all that in there. That's a lot. Who's worse, white men or white women?

That's hard. That's a hard one. I honestly think it's been a real rough go for white men. I think white women are having a bad time. Bad. The last, like, five years. They're down bad. Oh, they're down bad. Because, you know what?

For the longest time, they were still also women. So it's like, you know, there's sympathy there. Yeah, for the longest time. They overplayed that hand though, bro. They became so fucking annoying.

Yeah, to everybody. You had it good. You had it good. To everybody. Nobody liked them very much right now. I mean, I do feel for,

there's a typical look for white women that now means like you're a bitch. But there's – it's also just kind of what average white women look like. So there's probably some very pleasant white women out there who it's like I know my haircut looks like this, but I'm not awful. I'm not racist. I promise. I just saw this video, right? It's like a little black girl and they're like – clearly that's some type of children's museum. And it's like a fake Starbucks setup with these like giant, clearly at some type of children's museum and it's like a fake Starbucks set up

with these giant stuff like coffee things and the kids are like moving around and then this white girl comes and just snatches the little sandwich out the black girl's hand

and then the mother's like, don't you ever do that to her again and the white girl's like, mm. So then the black girl just starts knocking over all the shit

and the mother's like, yeah, you get that, Karen. You know what I'm saying? And she's just like a little girl. like, yeah, you get that, Karen. She's just like a little girl. Start up young. Start up young. You're going to be a bitch

when you're young? I'm going to fight back. White ladies were in trouble once Karen became a thing and they took genuine offense and they were like, don't call me Karen. They really were upset.

It's like the N word. You know what? It's not. It's absolutely not. It's fucking not.-word. You know what? It's not. It's fucking not. How about I heard that name like went way down. People stopped naming their kids Karen. If you were a regular ass person named Karen and that happened,

what do you do? You just gotta throw your hands up. I've never met a non-bitchy Karen. I guess that's the point, you know. I'll be honest. I don't know if I've ever met a Karen. I have an Aunt Karen who is fucking wonderful. Poor Aunt Karen. Shout out to Aunt Karen. I also had my buddy's girlfriend was named Katrina.

Well, I had a buddy's girlfriend named Samantha. Yeah, but I think Katrina. When you hear Katrina, you're not going to. It's not the same name, dude. What? It's not the same name, dude. What? It's not the same name. Katrina. No, I'm saying every time I hear Katrina, everyone thinks of the hurricane.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, yeah. That went over our heads. We were like, I know a bunch of Katrina's. I was like, that's not the same name as Karen. She was just – I just remember her being like – every time she introduced herself around that time, she was like, I'm – It's a little different, but whatever.

All right. We'll follow now. Yeah. HBO is the spot for the special, right? Yeah. Which I feel like is, it's like, I think the comedy world's gotten a little oversaturated a little bit, you know? And like specials are not really special anymore. Hot take.

Yeah. But I think HBO kind of is still like, they're tight with it. bit you know and like specials are not really special anymore hot take yeah but i think um hbo kind of is still like it's the tight the tight with it not just hand out specials to everybody yeah i remember when dan soda did his and i was like yeah like hbo special still means some shit chris rock and whatnot so i feel like having that uh is kind of like a you know yeah it still feels it it still feels like they're curating comedy over there and um i mean for me just as a stand-up it is like as cheesy as it sounds it truly is a dream come true yeah it was i always wanted to do an hbo special you know like that was the special i had in my

brain like as the like you know the highest level of specialing that you could do when you're watching something and it goes like yeah you know it's the real deal. What's your show that comes after that? That's like a thing that goes viral like once a year. Yeah, when you picture that thing, what TV show do you think of from HBO? That just like immediately pops in my head. What theme song starts right after?

Damn, The Wire. Wire. Yeah, Devil Down. But there's so many because HBO just got the shows too. I've been watching HBO since, I don't know, I was like 15. Real Sex on HBO. Real Sex. That was that shit.

Hooker's at the Point. Taxi Cab Confessions. You watched that one? Taxi Cab Confessions. I remember being at a hockey tournament once. I got home and turned on TV. It was just like in the hotel. It was just on.

And I was like, my TV's broken. I shouldn't be able to watch this yo real system dude real sex is wild there's a gay dude in the backseat of a cab saying he can fist up his ass

and he's like dude asshole comes back and I was like what the fuck call the front desk but I've always loved HBO for that

like their late night shit was always to me like the coolest shit but I remember tuning into real sex being like alright it's got sex in the name I know I'm gonna see some naked people but it was always to me like the coolest. But I remember tuning into Real Sex being like, all right, it's got sex in the name.

I know I'm going to see some naked people. But it was always like old men. No, it was not hot. I was like, fuck, this is not what I'm looking for. That's why it was called Real Sex. It was like, this is what it is. I need a show called Fake Sex. They were never hot.

No, ever, ever. Yeah, and then Taxi Cab Confessions was just, I was too young for that. These are just subjects I should not be hearing about at all but yeah you needed that

HBO in general I would ride that wave I would ride with HBO until the fucking wheels come off man they're always gonna be on top they're also just very supportive creatively

of like they give their creatives a lot of power to create and like if they fuck with you they trust you to like you know see your idea through

so I also appreciate that like even from pause to this it's never been like a lot of hands telling me how it has to be you know that's i mean the only thing you can really ask is that uh in the in the trailer that that bit about the spanx is unbelievable is that true that really happened yeah i just did it's kind of stupid because i really really didn't know how to open this. I'm bad at openings, I will say. I never really nailed down an opening. This is the second time I've done a special.

It's the second time I'm like, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to say at the top of this thing. Really? I know the hour, but I'm always just like, how is it going to actually start? And I think it's mostly because I feel like if I have a start, then it's very canned, and then the rest of it is going to feel canned. But you also don't want to just be like, hey, I'm here. Yeah, so I try to leave it loose, but I definitely was getting like, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to talk about,

and we're like, I don't know, two hours out of this taping. And then an hour before we taped, I had to pee, and then I peed, and it went all up my ass. And I had a wet butt. And I was like, well, clearly I have to talk about this because it's what's immediately on my brain. It's the only thing I'm thinking about. And I'm like, if I don't get it out the way, I'm going to be feeling like a weirdo. I don't think there would have been a person alive that would have been mad at you if you canceled.

If you walked out and just said, show's over. I got piss in my butt. I got pee in my butt. Pee in my butt. I don't know how they – One of the very few people in the world that peed your butt. I was like, yeah, this is special. I'm going to wear this face.

I'm going to have my fat contained. I'm going to be sexy. Didn't work. No. I pee my pants pretty regularly so I get what you're talking about it's not like look I want to be clear with the people here

it's not like I'm not peeing in my pants it's I pee and then something gets in my pants he puts it back in before he's done it's crazy I honestly know why it's childish it's because in my formative years, there was a good Charlotte song that was shake it once, that's fine.

Shake it twice, that's okay. Shake it three times, you're playing with yourself. That's the way to shake it. And that got in my head, and I was like, you don't get this. I was like, you can't be fucking jerking off in public all the time, dude. You got to put that thing away. And now I shake twice. And it's not ready.

Your parents have failed you. You got to make sure that it's drained out. Yes. Look, I should have learned my lesson 10,000 times by now, Sam. And I don't. But what I mean, I say all that to say. So then what are you doing? Like when you hook up with a chick and you got pissy pants?

I don't do too much hooking up. All right. As a guy who regularly pisses his pants. Girls see me and they're like, that dude probably got piss in his pants. Wait, is Jackie back there or Pat? Jackie's back there? Jackie, you thought that we wipe our dicks, right? Yeah, I thought that.

I mean, you probably should. You should, right? She said, like, I thought you took a little paper towel and just dabbed it. And I was like, that's so stupid. You know what? Why would we not wipe it? I have a theory that everybody's peeing incorrectly. Oh, okay.

Yeah, like, I think dudes were taught to pee wrong. Like, not, like, just shake it and don't wipe it. I don't think that's cool. Because there's probably still a little pee on the tip. Then you just get a little pee in there. That's kind of weird. I think that women can pee standing up if they just took more initiative. You know?

Do you think you need like a urinal made for women sort of thing? No. I pee standing up all the time. You can just do it.

No fucking way. In a toilet? Yeah. And it goes where you want it to go? Yeah, you gotta aim. See, the problem is that women,

we're taught to be afraid of our own pussy so we don't touch it and get in there and move stuff around and see what's up. So a lot of times, like I talked about in my first special, like you just peeing down their leg and shit because they're just plopping down which is the laziest way you just like plop down and just

let whatever happen yeah it's fucking sick just open the faucet just go it's nuts it's like what are you doing you're an adult if you just spread it a little bit, aim it a little bit, that bitch will go straight. It'll go very straight. Is that true? Absolutely. So you'll stand over a toilet, just spread it, and pee right in the toilet. And it doesn't get on anything. All the sense in the world.

No, but you got to. That's fucking amazing. I had to learn. I'll be honest. I don't think it makes sense. It's blowing my mind. I had to learn not to let go too early, right? I had to learn kind of like what you said.

I got to let it drain. I had to learn what you said, I got to let it drain. I had to learn some shit. It was a little bit of a trial and error process, but I got it pretty down. Is this easier than just sitting? I think it's way better.

Even if I'm squatting now, I still aim because it's just less mess and chaos. It's more fun too. I feel more in charge. I feel way more in charge. And no No

Piss gets on your hands Of course piss gets on your hands I'm rubbing my pussy While I pee Of course it gets Piss on your hands That's what I'm saying Like

Girls can't be afraid To get a little Piss on your hands That's why you Go wash your hands After a week Bro you are the best You can't be all

Dainty about it And just like You ask me stupid questions Of course I piss everywhere You know hands afterwards. Bro, you are the best. You can't be all dainty about it. You ask me stupid questions. Of course I piss everywhere. Little pee gets on there.

It's not enough to fucking turn you off. That is so fucking good. I was almost thinking the opposite. How about now? Good?

Yeah. Hey, wait. Robby, you have edibles? Can I have those? Let's go. This is my kind of guest. I love it. What are you working with?

All right. No, I got it. I got it. She can be standing up. She can be out the back. I'm a renaissance woman. How many milligrams are we taking right now? Let's see.

It says 100 total per pack, so I imagine they're like 10 a piece. That's fucked. They made that shit so complicated. You got to do the math for me. I'm about to take drugs. I don't want to do that. I don't know why this is with edibles, but they put the fucking total amount rather than the individual amount.

And sometimes they were the opposite. It's just like, why did you make CBD, too? It's like, I don't need the CBD. The fake is shit in the world. The fake is fucking thing in the world. When people like sold CBD work for me, I don't need it. Yeah. If it's if it's well, I was going to say you can buy illegally, but now you can buy all this shit.

But it's got to be like at a dispensary or whatever. If I can just buy it at the fucking CVS, it's Well I was gonna say You can buy it legally But now you can't buy all this shit But it's gotta be like At a dispensary or whatever If I can just buy it At the fucking You know CVS It's not real I don't know this brand But I'm gonna go on And say this brand

Fucking sucks Two milligrams a piece Bitch I gotta take Like 80 of these See but that So that But that's good for people Who don't fuck with it a lot

Because Because when you have Like when I get an edible That's like a full cookie or a brownie but I can only have like one bite of it, I want to eat the full fucking brownie. Yeah. So you got to make – like if you're going to make a good pastry for – it needs to be like a rookie version. I think five is the starting point. Yeah. But if I have a fucking 50 milligram brownie or whatever, it's like I can only have a little nibble of this shit. No, you have. You know what I want more of after this? The brownie. Yeah, so, but if I have a fucking, you know, 50 milligram brownie or whatever, it's like I can only have

a little nibble of this shit. No, you have. You know what I want more of after this? The brownie. Yeah, that's the brownie. Then I'm high

and I got a brownie in front of me. I don't think you should start with less than five, like, we're doing drugs. Yeah, right, there's a point.

Let's get to the fucking point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, where were we? Pissing on our hands Oh I was

I was thinking So I have a son And you know Trying to get him To pee right Is a fucking Fiasco And I was like

Why don't we just Tell these kids To fucking sit down too Dude I think The opposite way Tell everyone to stand up The boy is sitting down Well

See this is the thing You gotta think about like How helpless you are If you're peeing sitting down Like if you is the thing you got to think about like how helpless you are if you're peeing sitting down like if you got to pee in public and the only way you're not a pee is to squat right that's a good point you're mad fucking like helpless like you know what i mean it's like there is something to being able to be standing up for sure i mean when i hear that girls hover i'm like your quads must be burning i can't hold a fucking squat that long are you nuts really i think you could i mean i think you'd be surprised I'm like, your quads must be burning. I can't hold a fucking squat that long. Are you nuts? Really?

I think you could. I think you'd be surprised. I think it depends on how long I'm peeing. And I think if while I'm peeing, I'm thinking about that. Yeah, I think because you haven't been trained. That's the thing. I get it. It sounds like a lot. But if that's what you've been doing your whole life,

you're like, it's really not going to go down. How about the fucking people in Asia who just, there's a hole in the floor? Yeah. Well, I actually was at the Vatican recently. And they just like sit on it? I don't know what they do. It's just literally a hole, though.

I mean, I can understand pee. Like when you go to camp? Like a latrine? It's like pee. Even in bathrooms. Yeah. And I don't know about I don't know about Asia I know I was just

I went to the Vatican And in the bathrooms in the Vatican Like inside It's like It's tile everywhere And then you walk into the bathroom It's just like Oh I'm just in an open room

With little holes in the floor It's crazy And it's got So what's the doodle hole And what's the pee pee hole Like it's like Is there multiple holes One hole

One hole Oh there's one hole It's just kind of like a hole like that. It's just like flush to the ground. And so you're just like squatting and shit? I think because they do that squat where they go all the way down like this and they just Oh, that's crazy. They can really hold the squat.

That's wild. Those guys. You ever see like Chinese guys on their break? They smoke cigarettes and they just. Yeah. But they say that's the squatty potty. Yeah, I do have a squatty potty. You do? I absolutely i absolutely do yeah do you put it away or do you leave it out no i just stick it by the toilet what do you mean put it away like some people get embarrassed that's too

fucking much bro and i gotta go in cap and pull this guy no it's like made to like hug the base so i just push it back that's why i don't i don't have one for a lot of reasons. You got a lot of shame with you, baby. Yes, dude. You read me fast. You got to work that out. You have no idea. We are scratching the surface of the surface of the surface, dude. You are not even close. That was quick, huh? I'm flying a flag high today.

You got to work that out. Dude, whenever I walk into a friend's bathroom or whatever, and they got the squatty potty, I'm like, dude, just so you know, my greeting to your bathroom is the visual image of you squatting. Like in a cannonball position. Nigga, you're in my bathroom. That's what I do. Fair point. Fair point. Yeah, why weren't you thinking about that before?

Yeah, that's exactly what's going down in there. That's all I do in that room. That's what's going down. You know what my problem with the squatty potty is? Once you break the seal and do it that way, you can't go back. And I find myself in a fucking hotel bathroom flipping garbage cans over. Really? Sometimes I do that.

If it ain't coming out, I need the position. But it's the shit, bro. That shit is like a faucet. As soon as you throw them legs up, it's like, whoop. So it's not that I need it every time. It's when I do need it, I now know that there's a way to fix it.

So I just flip that shit over. I'm squatty pottying. I'm putting water up my butt with the bidet. I'm going crazy. Youing. I'm putting water up my butt with the bidet. You got the bidet? Yeah. I'm going crazy. The bidet is – You're doing well, huh? Yeah.

You are clean, girl. The bidet had a big resurgence. I mean, not – Not fucking. Now it's like I think kind of common. It used to be like either taboo or super fancy. And now it's like everybody's got that shit strapped onto their seat it's also just like uh americans we just mad dirty with it yeah you know

what i'm saying so like i think like back in the day it was like oh that's some fancy french shit why you want to be spraying water up your butt and it's like because i gotta get the shit out of there yeah no totally that that do you have uh like, the one that you can, like, apply to your toilet or it's built in? I have a Tushy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were the ones that, like – I've been traveling with it. Like, I've brought it to at least three apartments.

Wow. Oh, it's even, like, on a plane. Oh, okay. When you move. I'm going to undo this plane toilet and hook up a Tushy. I was about to say, girl, I'm with you. I would not be bringing the tushy everywhere. Apartment to apartment.

They were really the ones, though. Yeah, that made the bidet for the basic band. We advertised with them. They advertised with us once and then didn't renew. And I was like, are we not good enough to sell fucking butt spray devices? God damn. You don't even see Tushy ads anymore Yeah

I think it's sold itself It's just in It's almost like Kleenex And Band-Aid Yeah It's just like Go get one of those If you want that

I think also The porn website Tushy They were like We gotta We gotta decide Something here guys I didn't know

They got the same logo dude I think they should Just fucking unite It's probably room For everybody You need a clean butt to do porn. Absolutely.

I can't even imagine the, uh... If you're a porn star and you know what you're doing, I mean, you gotta fucking go hard in the paint on the bidet,

I feel like. Dude, I saw a clip of Adriana Chetik. You gotta clear that thing out. Big time. She charges people to teach them. You gotta have the pressure of a fire hose in that bidet. Yeah, I saw that too of Adriana Jetson. You got to clear that thing out. Big time. She charges people to teach her. You got to have the pressure of a fire hose. Yeah, I saw that too.

Yeah, she was charging women to teach them how to clear their ass out. I'm like, that's gangster, man. That's when you, oh, you think you're like the anal queen? Yeah, you think? I teach people how to do this. I teach people how to make sure their butthole ain't got nothing on it. I just feel like no matter what, though, I'd be like, did I get it all? Of course.

How are you going to know, you know? Of course. God matter what, though, I'd be like, did I get it all? Of course. How are you going to know? Of course. God bless him, though. So the special. The special. I was going to go with, so you recently got engaged. Yeah. Yeah, you talk about that as well on that trailer.

I hate to just reference the trailer, but when I see, you know, there's probably like three or four or five things on the trailer, and all of them were like, I want to see more of that. More of that. More of that. It's a very good trailer. But the, you know, being engaged and caring every day, I think, is like when people say, like, relationships are work, and it kind of becomes a fucking cliche cliche it's like think about it the same way when you go to work yeah and you go fuck i gotta go to work today that's what's marriage like fuck i'm married today and tomorrow and the next day it's a real thing it's not a fucking job yeah it is a fuck so are you still engaged you married now i'm still

engaged okay i think we just are like not pressed because we've been together so long. How long? We've been dating like off and on since I was like 24. So like 15, 16 years. So at this point, we're just kind of like, bruh. Yeah, we don't really. We'll get to it. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Which is honestly the way to be, to be honest. One day we're just going to wake up and go to a courthouse. Sign some papers. Sometimes we start looking at plans and then we're like, eh. Maybe we should just go get married today. And then we're like, eh, maybe we should just go get married today. And then we're like, eh, maybe we're too lazy to do that too.

And I think one day we're both just going to wake up and be like, you want to go? Which is ideal for me. Are you going to do a big party and shit? I'll do a party for sure. I just like parties. But I was going to say, party's not the right way. Are you going to do a wedding or a reception? Right now we're claiming that we're going to do the whole thing.

We're going to do the big wedding, the big party, but I don't know that we actually will. I think we're very set on doing a big reception. It's a party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have your friends and family come through and celebrate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get drunk.

I mean, shit got so out of control with just wedding culture, how much it costs and shit. It's bananas. It's so bad that once you say wedding, they're like $80,000 more. This is bullshit. Dude, I truly say they just add a zero to everything. Yeah, for the same shit.

Everybody will pay it because it's like it's your one big day. Yeah, it's one fucking day. We should all just start lying. Yes. It's just a part of it. No, what you really need is everybody, you need to like unionize and not pay those motherfuckers.

Because they will just drop the prices. They just charge what they can get away with. Because there's always some fucking bride or family who's like, whatever for my baby. Yeah. You know? Whatever for the big day. Yeah, I mean, if you can pay it, you can pay it. And they should have to give you some money back if you get divorced.

This wasn't special enough. Your part to blame. Give me back 10 grand. You are no different than Dahmer's grandma. You started that. That shit about Dahmer's grandma is so true.

That's why I think the sex doll game has really upped the ante in the last few years. Yeah, and just our minds being open sex-wise, where now someone just lives with a sex doll till they're dead. We're like, that's fine.

He ain't hurting nobody. Right, right. You know what I mean? He could have evolved into that. He could have evolved into that and just been weird. For sure, for sure. Just let people... But she wouldn't let the nigga be weird.

Let your kids be weird, but not too weird. Let them be weird. Just be like why like this your boyfriend like you really attached to this okay

you know what it's like having a teddy bear you know it's like it's weird he was also just better like he was like being nice to her he was pleasant

he was like doing shit around the house and he wasn't out in the streets fucking around no more cause he had like a boo at home he's like I gotta

get home to my man like I'm not even trying to be out here doing all this shit I got my man he's in bed I'm not gonna kill any more squirrels dead animals were good yeah you know we talk about from that that show a lot the scene and by we i mean me is the because i i i think

about a lot and i just oh yeah you think about this a lot i just count my lucky stars that it didn't happen to me but like when he's there's a flashback to him with his dad and they're they've gone fishing they're coming home with fish and they're cleaning the fish they're gunning oh and he got a heart and he's like he's just playing with the flesh and he's like he's you can see his brain go like this is gonna be a problem yeah like like this is this i feel a certain type of way right now and i think that moment right there has to be the worst fucking moment of all time. Dude, that, I mean. God damn, I wish I wasn't horny right now. For real.

Yeah, that's terrifying. Dude, there's even just regular shit. We need support for crazy niggas. Like, open dialogue about it and, like, places they could go. Like, oh, you get hard off a flesh. Like, call this number. You call these people. They'll walk you and talk you through this shit, bro.

I'm sure nobody wants that No But like that's There's those people Who try to do What do they call it Minor attracted persons Like don't call them pedophiles Call them minor attracted persons

Yeah Nah I'm like alright We can't do that far bro But just get a doll And fuck it at home okay Yeah We got

You don't need a name And all that shit Just fuck a doll We do gotta shame those niggas though We can't be on her Thank you right Cause some I do get the idea of like, yo, this is- Or at least we gotta be like, this is bad.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. We can't try to stop that. We can't be encouraging that shit. That's just like we did with Dom. We're like, hey, knock it off. We gotta be like, come on. That's not good.

You can't be doing that. I know it's not your fault, but still. Don't be doing it. It's like the dog. It's like, I know you didn't mean this shit on the carpet, but you did. So, like, you're a bad boy. You gotta be reprimanded. So, I think last time you came through, you were busted down, which was very funny.

Thank you. So good. Thank you. I know, obviously, you know, went through probably a lot with the tragic loss of Jay. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like that's got to be a tough thing to bounce back from.

Especially in the world of comedy, right? Yeah, it was very hard. I was super lost for a while. And I was in the middle of doing the special and I was kind of like, I don't want to do any of this shit anymore. And I really couldn't find it funny, but I really have to thank the comedy community and my friends. And I really couldn't find it funny, but I really have to thank the comedy community

and my friends. They just really showed up for me. They came out on the road with me. They just reminded me why I loved it. And we laughed together, and we were silly together. And they really helped me pull myself out of that dark space I was in for a little bit. So I'm so appreciative to every single person

who came on the road with Jason Kadova, Kevin Iso, man, you know, Leonard Utes, like Tawanda Gona, like everybody who just came and showed up and like knew I was fucking devastated and just stood tall and were strong friends for me at the time. That show was kind of my introduction to Jay and I met him when you came

through. And so I obviously do not have an extensive history with him at all, but I like, you could tell he's a very special person oh it was he was so cool so nice like it was one of those things where it's like you you don't want to make it about yourself but it was like even just having a conversation with him him be on the show it was like oh man yeah right like it always feels like like you know all any any situation is tragic when you're talking about that but it was like oh he oh, he was a good one. He was a very funny dude.

I mean, it just kind of goes to show the classic, like you never know what's going on behind closed doors. I would have never guessed it. You just never know what people are going through inside. You know what I'm saying? Right. Did you find – I feel like sometimes people lean into the comedy, but you're saying it was hard to –

It was hard. Yeah. It was hard for a while. I just didn't – nothing was funny. Yeah. It was hard for a while. Like, I just didn't... Nothing was funny. Yeah. You know, like, we worked very closely together

for a lot of years, so it was just like kind of losing your right arm. It was just like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Right. How is this even going to be fun again? You know?

But it got fun again. That's the beauty of comedy. Right. You stick through it and you get on the other side and it feels good to, like... Because we were kind of, like, going to through it and you get on the other side and it feels good to like because we were kind of like gonna tour together and work on the special together like we always do and so it also just felt very necessary for me to like see the process through i also feel

like maybe this sounds cliche too but i think you could genuinely say like he would want you to yeah go on tour like exactly because of me right because of me, right? Exactly. Like, keep going, do your thing. Exactly. Right, so. And what, so what else we got? Like, I mean, I feel like right now is just the, like the time for comedy and all this shit.

You got anything else in the works? Man, we really can't do anything because of the strikes, so. Oh, that's right. That's true. Like, as far as writing stuff or anything like that.

But what's exciting is I get to tour, you know, like, I've never gotten a tour off a special, you know, my last special came out in a pandemic. Right. So I didn't get to tour. I've never gotten to tour off a special. My last special came out in a pandemic. So I didn't get to immediately go on tour and kind of check the temperature of it and see how people felt about it. I was just kind of in a bubble, and so was everybody else.

I had to assume it was working out. You know what I mean? So it's going to be nice to just hit the road. Ticket sales, baby. Yeah, see what the ticket sales are doing and build a new hour. I love doing stand-ups, so I'm just excited to get back to it. How long did this hour take you? Like a year and a half.

That's pretty quick, though, I feel like. Yeah, yeah. So you can turn them around almost in a year. Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's – but I feel like in between hours, you're always kind of working on the next hour, kind of, you know? Right. So it's like – it's been three years since my last special. I haven't stopped getting up, you know?

But when I finally was like, I'm working on the hour, like it's been three years since my last special i haven't stopped getting up you know but when i finally was like i'm working on the hour it's probably like a year and a half of just grinding through material and finding it you know yeah probably i don't know so much of it just got like by six months in i had kind of moved on from a lot of it and it started to change and i feel like that's the process like it reveals itself to you yeah and you like decide what it is for the first time i i saw um shane gillis's specials out and hell yeah my boo so fucking good it's so funny incredible and we've had we've either seen him on stage or had him in to the point that we got to see that whole hour evolve. But it really is crazy how much, like, even as a fan, I was like, oh, I heard that joke the first time I saw him on stage.

And to still be doing that material, it's like you really have to, like, it's rehearsed, but it sounds natural. It's crazy how much. You got to do it until you hate it. Yeah, right. You got to be sick of some of that shit By the end of it And you gotta like Break up with it a little bit

And like So you don't Seem like you hate it The day you gotta go tape it It's such a weird little dance You have to have with it And promote it And all that shit

Yeah It's like I'm very much like I won't even lock down the order Until like A month Two months out Because I just don't want

To get bored So like To keep me just liking it I'll do it in different orders. I'd be like, is this even still funny? Because I thought it was funny in the beginning. I thought it was all not funny. I was like, this fucking sucks. All this shit is so fucking stupid.

But yeah, you got to remember that the first time that joke hit you, you were like, oh shit, that's fucking funny. And you got to trust the audience too. You're like, they still fucking like it. I'm being hypercritical because I'm tired of hearing it. There was a moment late in the tour where I was like, I just don't want to hear myself talk anymore.

I'm so tired of my fucking voice. I'd be on stage talking and in my brain I'm like, shut the fuck up. I always think about The waitresses And the hosts and shit Who hear that same shit Every night too They're probably like

Oh my god But I mean That's why the real greats You can't tell that at all You know it's like Every time it feels like It's the first time You're totally up there

Beating yourself I'm like who do you think you are It is crazy Why should these people Be listening to you Shut the fuck up You guys are crazy. Dumbass.

Yeah, that's just nuts. You mentioned the strike. Are you in the guild? Mm-hmm. Can you? This is a genuine question. How does Drew Barrymore do a show?

It's a daytime show. Well, she just announced yesterday it's coming back. How does that work? Because it's daytime. Oh, daytime's different. Yeah, daytime's different. So she can do her show.

Interesting. You were like, Drew Bracken was a bold bitch. I was reading her statement. Gangster. I don't give a fuck about you guys. I'll do my show. In her statement, she was very much like, we understand it's a tough time. And I was like, I don't think anyone told Drew she can't do this.

So wait, they break it up by time? Day and night? I don't really know, baby. But I know daytime by different rules. Yeah. And they get to do stuff

that nighttime can't do. Right, interesting. And then so you can't write for nothing. No, but like you can write obviously for yourself

but it can't be as scripted. Because that's writing but it's just like but like you could write obviously for yourself but it can't be a scripted yeah because that's you know writing but it's just like but could you do like a skit show why are you trying to find loopholes i'm always how long do you think it's gonna last i don I don't know, man I think everyone thought they knew And now I don't think anyone's confident in anything It's kind of like, it'll end when it ends, I guess I remember when we had Rosebud in Probably towards the beginning of summer

And she's like, I think it's going to be over The end of summer And she was like saying that I've always said like October But now I don't know October's here You know what I mean? I don't know, man

It's also crazy, like So do people, are they like talking every day? Or is it like we'll talk in two weeks? I don't know. I mean, October's here. You know what I mean? I don't know, man. It's also crazy, like, so do people, are they, like, talking every day, or is it like we'll talk in two weeks? We don't know. They don't really tell us. Like, they'll just, you know, they give you updates, like, this is where we're at, but like, the actual inner workings of how this negotiation is going, I don't think anybody really knows. Yeah.

All right, so when's the special out? September 23rd. September 23rd. All right, so coming up. So a couple weeks, it'll be on HBO. Yeah. And on Max, I'm right, so coming up. So a couple weeks to be on HBO and on Max. I'm going to show a stream and all that.

Hell yeah. I mean, everybody should absolutely go watch it. It is awesome. It is so, I mean, I haven't seen it yet,

so I don't know if it's awesome, but Sam is awesome. Yeah. I love every time you're in here, dude. It's so much fun. It's a blast. I have a lot of fun

with you guys and I'm super excited about it. For me, it really feels like growth and a maturation okay of me as a stand-up um so i really can't wait to share it with people it's called salute me or shoot me and it's gonna be out september 23rd love it thank you so much

absolutely thank you of course សូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បាាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.